Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: All The Dirt That's Fit To Cram Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:05:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article , "AP / E.N. SMITH, Associated Press Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Habit of Dirt-Eating Is Studied > > ATLANTA (AP) -- As a nurse, Rena Bronson knows eating dirt can > cause anemia, constipation and serious liver and kidney damage. But > that doesn't seem to matter when her body starts yearning for those > crumbly white chunks of clay. This is my favorite TV commercial of the year. "...and kidney damage. But that doesn't matter when your body starts yearning for those crumbly, crunchewy chunks of clay!" > Her 10-year, $1.48-a-bag kaolin habit has left the 51-year-old > woman lethargic, isolated and chronically constipated. However, now she has the ability to go into any book, with her pals Pokey, Prickle, and Goo. (Poor Spot! He moved in with Gumby. "WAAH! My copy of 'Panty Salesman's Privelege' has grease stains all over it!") > ``I don't have much of a social life anymore,'' she said. ``It's > more important I get home to get my fix.'' Thanks to the Internet, Mrs. Bronson could now have a happy social life chatting with other dirt-eaters. Of course, she'd have to set her computer to a pica font. > Dirt eating, or geophagy, is now called Social Studies. > goes back thousands of years. The ancient Greeks ate clay to fight > a variety of ailments. About 2,000 years later, the practice continues, > especially among poor folks in rural middle Georgia -- where most of > the world's kaolin comes from. Yeah, the rest of us civilized folks NEVER consume flavored clay to jam up our guts, the active ingredient in Kaopectate is the artificial green mint flavor, not the kaolin, yep yep yep. > Women, pregnant women in particular, say the white clay settles > their stomachs. Ms. Bronson says the taste is hard to describe. BECAUSE THERE ISN'T ONE!!! "It's like a mud pie made from communion wafers that were left in the rain." > ``Do you know how the ground smells when it's real dry and along > comes a little sprinkle of rain -- that fresh smell? If you could > taste a smell, that's how I would describe it.'' And all dirt tastes exactly the same, yep yep yep. > Most people expect it to be gritty, but it's creamy smooth. Unless, of course, it's mixed with gravel, in which case it has the texture of Grape-Nuts. > ``Technically, I'd rather eat dirt than food,'' she said. WITH KIBOLOGY, YOU'LL LEARN TO PREFER TO EAT THE INEDIBLE!!! > ``If I could eat dirt for breakfast, dirt for lunch, dirt for dinner and a > little iced tea I'd be fine.'' Unfortunately, it's not possible to eat dirt for lunch. But it makes a great breakfast and dinner. AND WITH DIRT THERE IS NO BRUNCH!!! > The problem is, no matter what name you call it -- dirt, clay, or > chalk -- kaolin simply isn't supposed to be eaten. The fine white > mineral is used in papermaking, paint products, ceramics, > fiberglass and stomach-soothing medicines. Remember, kids, chalk is exactly the same as dirt. So it's okay to smear dirt all over the blackboard at school. > Georgia produces about 8 million tons of kaolin a year -- or half > the world's supply -- I wonder how we could solve this problem of Georgia having a monopoly on the world's supply of dirt. > making it easy for Ms. Bronson and an untold number of others to find. > ``Some people just go out and dig in their yard. But I've seen > it at convenience stores, stores in black neighborhoods, gas > stations,'' she said. OH MY GOD! BLACK PEOPLE HAVE ACCESS TO DIRT NOW! BAR THE WINDOWS!!! IT'S THE END OF WHITE CIVILIZATION!!! > ``Even though it says right on the package that it's a novelty > item `not for human consumption,' sometimes you'll find it with the > vegetables at the grocery store.'' Dirt, the wacky fun novelty item. "Honey, here's your birthday present." "Hey, this is just a clod of dirt!" "Yeah, clods for clods! HYUK HYUK HYUK!" "Oh, honey, you're so witty. I love you." THIS IS WHAT OSCAR WILDE WOULD HAVE WRITTEN IF HE HAD LIKED EATING DIRT. > The Sweet Auburn farmer's market in downtown Atlanta, for > example, piles its Ziplock packages of white dirt in a basket next > to the peanuts. * WOOP WOOP WOOP * CALLBACK ALERT * New Reclosable Dirt! Also bar-coded for use with your Intelligent Bin! > People who eat kaolin are not addicted and are not suffering > from a psychiatric disorder, according to R. Kevin Grigsby, or so we thought as we couldn't tell what he was saying with a mouthful of dirt. > a social worker and professor of psychiatry and health behavior at > the Medical College of Georgia. > But, he said, little is known about this particular form of pica > -- the term used to describe the persistent eating of nonfood items. I.e. swallowing your gum, chewing the wax wrapped around the little cheeses, eating a Spanish peanut with the brown paper wrapper still on it, or drinking Orbitz without picking out the dots. > ``There are many types of pica -- eating burned matches, ice and, > in this case, earth,'' said Grigsby, the primary author of a recent > study on kaolin eating in central Georgia. ICE SHOULD HAVE A WARNING LABEL!!! ICE CREAM TOO! WARNING: ICE CREAM CONTAINS ICE, SO EATING IT MAKES YOU LEGALLY INSANE!!! > Grigsby said he and his colleagues discovered they were delving > into uncharted territory with the study, featured in the February > issue of the Southern Medical Journal. > ``No one has really studied kaolin-specific pica,'' New Kaolin-Specific Pica! Now Reclosable! Eat It Persistently! > he said. ``What we discovered was people were very reluctant to talk > about chalk eating.'' And I, for one, am glad this is being talked about in real newspapers here on the Internet where any bozo can reply to it. > Ms. Bronson was no exception. > ``It's embarrassing for me. It's embarrassing for my family. But > if it can help someone, I'm willing to put up with that > embarrassment,'' she said. IF ENOUGH PEOPLE ATE DIRT 24 HOURS A DAY THERE WOULD NEVER BE ANY WARS OR ANYTHING ELSE!!! > Ms. Bronson, the oldest of 13 children, remembers seeing her > mother eat kaolin while she was pregnant. > ``Mama would give us 15 cents and say, `Go up to so-and-so's > house and get me some chalk,'' she said. ``Naturally, as a child > you're going to taste it.'' When I was a kid I had one of those Really Idiot-Proof Harmless Boring Chemistry Sets For Very Young Children, the kind that couldn't possibly kill you if you ate all of it in one sitting. The three chemicals (only one of which was included) were salt, sugar, and powdered chalk. They were labelled with a big red smiley face (because sugar tastes good), a big red frowney face (because salt tastes bad), and a big red poker face (because nobody would ever bother eating chalk because it has no taste.) It took me about five minutes to work through all the experiments and prove that unlike chalk, salt tastes bad. (I think the actual point of the set was to prove that some things dissolve in water and some don't. It really did provide only about five minutes of ''fun'' and I thought it was for BABIES.) > She made it through two pregnancies without giving white dirt a > second thought. It wasn't until years later that she found herself > pinching a piece here and there. Eventually, she started buying > bags of her own. > ``All of the sudden, I'd say within a year, it was like -- `I > want that.''' > Now, she said she goes through about three bags a week. That doesn't mean much until you realize that fifty-pound kitty litter bags are also clay. > Grigsby's study found that dirt eating was most common among > black women in rural areas who were introduced to it by a relative. THAT'S WHY ALL THOSE MARKETS IN THE BLACK AREAS ARE FILLED WITH ZIP-LOC BAGS OF CHALK! AND WHY YOU SEE GUYS ON THE STREETCORNER SELLING LITTLE BAGGIES OF WHITE CHALK POWDER! IT'S A CONSPIRACY TO DILUTE THE PRECIOUS BOILDY FLUIDS OF THE WHITE RACE SO THE BLACK PEOPLE CAN YELL "HEY HONKIE, YOU SO CHALKY!" WITHOUT EXAGGERATING! > The study stressed that physicians need to be made aware of the > behavior and said additional research was needed to determine the > scope of the problem and the extent of its health repercussions. I like how the first part of any public-health study is to determine whether the problem is more likely to affect white people or black people so they can decide how to design the poster that will cure the problem forever. The poster will consist of one or the other of these: (on a public bus) Hey, bro! Snoop Doggy Dog says hang cool by not eating dirt! Word! (in the public library) Dear Esteemed Citizens, Dick van Dyke would like to remind you not to eat dirt. Just say no to dirt! ...so you see, public-health problems always affect one community more than the other, which is why posters are always stupid. Of course, maybe if they had someone other than middle-aged white males designing the posters to appear to young black women, the posters might be less pathetic. Until they're actually put up in the bus, because anything stuck to the inside of a bus is automatically pathetic. > ``I haven't reached the point yet where I sit down and tell > myself I am not going to do this anymore,'' Ms. Bronson said. > ``Once I do, then I feel reasonably sure I just won't do it.'' Dear News Media, I dare you to follow me around all day as I am reasonably sure I won't eat dirt. Your pal, Gary Hart. P.S. I am not black. > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. Also the dirt contained in this scoop may not be eaten without permission of AP. -- K. I mean Archimedes Plutonium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: All The Dirt That's Fit To Cram Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 06:30:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Hey. New IMPROVED Kaopectate contains ATTAFULGITE, a scientificially > IMPROVED variety of dirt! Also, I forgot to mention that "ATTAFULGITE" is the genetic code that produces a Teletubby. -- K. AND THEY'RE BORN FILLED WITH TUBBY CUSTARD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: All The Dirt That's Fit To Cram Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 06:28:54 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Yeah, the rest of us civilized folks NEVER consume flavored clay to > > jam up our guts, the active ingredient in Kaopectate is the artificial > > green mint flavor, not the kaolin, yep yep yep. > > Hey. New IMPROVED Kaopectate contains ATTAFULGITE, a scientificially > IMPROVED variety of dirt! NOW DIRTIER!!!! > Also, as all residents of Arlington, MA know because I like to scream it > as I run down Massachusetts Avenue, I quite like the taste of Kaopectate, > and I'd probably be a dirt-eater under slightly different circumstances. Okay, here's the table of Kibological food preferences so far: Kibo: okra, eggplant, bacon, cherry Pez, and those sorts of fake onion rings made out of styrofoam and no onions Ranjit Bhatnagar: asafetida Matt McIrvin: fake dirt Archimedes Plutonium: poop Nobody: 7-Eleven's "El Taco" Please fill in the rest of the list and connect the dots so that we can prove where we all fit on the chimpanzee-to-robot scale. > But since this has not happened, I MOCK THE DIRT-EATERS! I am the sneaky > monkey and I DO NOT CARE if YOU FEEL BAD! WAAH! MATT FELL OFF THE END OF THE CHIMPANZEE-TO-ROBOT SCALE! AND HE LANDED IN MY PEANUT BUTTER! WHICH WAS SITTIN' ON A RITZ! AND THEN HE PROPOSED A TOASTEDS! YOU RUINED MY SNACK AND SO THE TEACHER'S GONNA TAKE YOURS AWAY! -- K. In second grade or thereabouts, I recall some kid blamed me for when his hardboiled egg rolled off his desk, so the teacher took away my snack, and oddly enough, she didn't give it to the other kid! WHATEVER DO YOU SUPPOSE SHE DID WITH IT? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Bite The Weenie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:18:41 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article , "AP" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Bite Taken Out of Hot-Dog Artist Please let it be the guy who plays the flatulent hot dog on Conan's show. Please please please. > SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- If you smear yourself with pureed hot dogs > and invite a bunch of pooches over for a sniff, you have to expect > some problems. Ladies and gentlemen, We have, for the first time, witnessed a wire-service article containing a sentence even better than the "Subject:" line. And, in the process, we have learned something: Smearing blenderized Beanee Weenees all over your body just might be stupid. Also, are pureed hot dogs different from potted meat food product? > That's a lesson performance artist Zhang Huan learned the hard > way when a dog taking part in one of his pieces took a bite out of > his butt. Poor Spot! He thought he was biting a hot dog bun but it was a hot dog butt! And when he woke up, the annoying performance artist was gone! > Zhang doffed his clothes and lay face-down on a cypress branch. > An assistant spread hot dog puree all over him and sprinkled him > with flour. Then eight dogs were brought in, one by one. Yeah, it would have been STUPID if they had brought them in in pairs. > The moment of truth arrived when marketing consultant Lee McCoy, > who was dog-sitting for Dan Stern, brought Stern's Akita, Hercules, > in for a taste. So Dr. McCoy, Daniel Stern, and Disney's Hercules are sitting on a park bench when this guy starts smearing pureed hot dogs on his butt. I think it would go something like this... DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!!!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've been a great audience! > ``I'm pretty embarrassed,'' said McCoy. ``I was afraid Hercules > might pee on the tree, but he bit him in the (behind) instead. Wait > until Dan finds out I didn't take his dog to the beach.'' (Kevin Arnold stares at the camera blankly. Voice-over:) "I thought he had taken my dog to the beach. I guess I still had a lot to learn about life on this, the most important day of a perfectly ordinary week of my incredibly important life." (Cut to Dogbert biting Dilbert.) > Zhang's performance Saturday, part of an exhibition at the Asian > Art Museum called ``Inside Out: New Chinese Art,'' was entitled > ``Dream of the Dragon.'' > Zhang, who lost a drop of blood but only flinched after Hercules > mistook his keister for kibble, said his aim was to ``explore the > physical and psychological effects of human violence in modern > society.'' I am refreshed that, for once, we were able to get through an entire wire-service article about a Chinese guy and dogs and food without them mentioning the obvious ethnic slur about people who eat dogs. OOH! OOH! I HINTED AT IT! BUT I ONLY HINTED ABOUT *THEM* SAYING IT, NOT ME, SO YOU SHOULD BE MAD AT *THEM*! > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. I love the way the speed of the Internet lets me receive these wire-service articles the moment they are published last year. Well, at least it doesn't say "1998 B.C." like some cheap toys I saw in K-Mart. -- K. Dear Associated Press, You are covered with 200 tons of pureed hot dogs. Your pal, Alexander Abian. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Well, maybe it was wrinkly! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:24:24 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article , "AFP" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: British soldier charged with ironing a hamster to death > > BULFORD CAMP, England, April 19 (AFP) - A British soldier will > appear before an army court next week charged with killing a hamster > by ironing it, an army spokesman said on Monday. Regulations say he was only supposed to have spit-shined it. > Lance Corporal Nigel Horsley of the 29th Regiment of the Royal > Logistic Corps, which is based in South Cerney, Gloucestershire, in > southwestern England, will appear before a court composed of > high-ranking officers at the Bulford Camp in nearby Wiltshire. I like how all British news stories are 50% place names. England has too many places in it, and every one of them is inside another one and nearby two others. Now, in the United States, our country is so big that nothing is near anything. Just ask anyone from Schenectady. > An army spokesman said: "The exact charge has not yet been > specified, but is likely to be along the lines of cruelty to > animals." Just out of curiosity, how did the Royal Army become so sissified that the soldiers are now training combat hamsters? -- K. "IT'S A HAMSTER'S LIFE IN THE ROYAL ARMY!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Couple fined for sex on supermarket's dairy display Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:30:17 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor KAZOWIE! NEW IMPROVED KONTEXT-AWAY IN ALL CAPS DOES THE MAGIC YOU LOVE! Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > So is that a stick of butter in your pocket, or are you just making > > croissants in your underwear? > > Please, God, not chocolate croissants. And also, please, God, kill the nurse if she gives me another M&M. Amen. SWOOSH-A-ZOWIE! NEW CALLBACK-O-MATIC PUTS ON ITS HAT AND LEAVES AFTER A JOB WELL DONE! THEN MR. FILLER BEGINS JUMPING UP AND DOWN! IN CAPITALS! > --Terri > > -- > -- > Chocolate is for BABIES AND AZTECS. Now, garlic, that's a GROWN-UP > FLAVOR. -- Kibo I call this signature, with four pairs, for my Signature Poker hand! -- K. "Signature Poker" would be the result of an unholy cross of Chuck Barris's "People Poker" and that other show, "Card Sharks", hosted by that bozo who now has his own newsgroup. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: i like food Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:43:16 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think the video game based on the concept of the black and white > > too-wide photos of the members of the band "Journey" really sucked, > > but the arcade version and the Atari 2600 version were actually > > completely different games, but even though they had nothing in common, > > they both sucked exactly as much. > > I know. I OWN THE 2600 CARTRIDGE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK. I'm pretty sure > there are two songs on it played in off-key 2600ish. The second one > is "Don't Stop Believing". What is the first one? I think the first one was R.E.M.'s "Superman", before they cashed in and sold it to IBM for a dump truck full of money. Also, you're confused, "Don't Stop Believing" was in "Tron", along with Journey's haunting "Nineties Theme". Wendy Carlos nearly exploded his^H^H^Hher brain by composing that closing theme, which Matt McIrvin has described as "an infinite amount of music packed into a finite time" by applying Zeno's paradox, and then Disney went and clipped off the part where it accelerated to infinite tempo and spliced in "Don't Stop Believing" to get fewer people to walk out on the movie in case time ever went backwards and the allegedly cool song was now at the beginning of the movie. Because this song was in the movie of "Tron", and there was a "Tron" video game, they couldn't possibly have used the song in a competing arcade game, especially given how completely and totally different the arcade versions of "Tron" and "Journey" were. I mean, "Tron" consisted of four lame sub-games pasted together by Bally/Midway, while "Journey" had FIVE lame sub-games pasted together by Bally/Midway, and had completely different ROMs used with the same hardware in the same cabinet with a different sticker on it. > And both games suck exactly as much as Michael Jackson's "Moonwalker" > which I have never played. You misspelled "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles With Different Graphics". You know, "Moonwalker" is to "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" as "Prince at age 13 and more insane" is to "Michael Jackson". Also, today there are dozens of big scary black posters saying "TEENAGE ATARI RIOT" (with a date in May) all over Boston. Nobody knows what this means except you, Mr. Bensema. Please tell us about your scheduled riot so that I may show up wearing my jacket with all 500 Activision patches on it, including the one I got for solving Cubicolor in five seconds on a black and white TV. -- K. It's like Q*Bert without the Q*Bert. P.S. I like how this thread is still titled "I like food." even though Nick couldn't possibly like food because he likes video games so much that there's no room for food in his life. Except for the little fruits in Pac-Man. Mmm, tiny durian. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: i like food Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 05:45:33 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > > Also, today there are dozens of big scary black posters saying > > "TEENAGE ATARI RIOT" (with a date in May) all over Boston. > > Nobody knows what this means except you, Mr. Bensema. > > It's just another industrial band (called "Atari Teenage Riot") who > probably just wanted to cash in on the familiar name, as a hook. > I bet they don't even know who Pac-Man is. Was, son, was. Mr. Man took his own life last year after a tragic bout with dot addiction. > > P.S. I like how this thread is still titled "I like food." even though > > Nick couldn't possibly like food because he likes video games so much > > that there's no room for food in his life. Except for the little fruits > > in Pac-Man. Mmm, tiny durian. > > So durians look like the 400-point dealies in Galaxian? No, the Boss Galaxian came either before or after the durian, not during. Nothing and nobody comes during a durian. -- K. I HEREBY RENEW THE DIBS I CALLED ON "WILLY WONKA" LAST MONTH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: i like food Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 05:43:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, today there are dozens of big scary black posters saying > > "TEENAGE ATARI RIOT" (with a date in May) all over Boston. > > Waah! Kibo misspelled "Atari Teenage Riot", one of my latest favourite bands. Whatever. Please tell 'em that next time they put up posters in the subway, (a) they might want to explain where to go to buy what they're selling, (b) they might want to mention what sort of product or service they're selling, and (c) you know, the rationale of "Hey, if they missed seeing this poster, maybe putting up another one foot to the left" really isn't too bright. also (d) Atari(R) is a registered trademark of people whose best-known song was the Atari 2600 Pac-Man theme, "BLEE DEE BLEE BLURT!" > > Nobody knows what this means except you, Mr. Bensema. > > Serious explanation: They play chaotic noisy techno-ish punk music. Great > stuff. > > DESTROY TWO THOUSAND YEARS OF CULTURE! You would like that in Finland, wouldn't you. HERE IN THE USA WE HAVE THE THINGS THAT GWAR IS A CLEVER PARODY OF, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN FINLAND? -- K. Out of touch with the stupid culture of today ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: i like food Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 06:19:56 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -- K. > > > > Out of touch with the > > stupid culture of today > > Kibo, I don't know what sort of identity crisis you are having, but let me > assure you: You are as stupid as you ever were, HONEST! Waah! Mommy, tell Terri to stop insulting me by insinuating that I've never been stupid! I was sure stupid up to the point where I learned how to spell "space rocket" in kindergarten so you can't hold being smart all my life against me any more! -- K. Take your sense of anti-anti-intellectualism out of rec.org.mensa! P.S. Formatting was a bad invention. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: i like food Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 07:08:58 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS GEOMETRY. Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > > > You [Stacia] claim that you could have been the next Segovia-ita AND > > that you are small in stature. I know for a fact that classical guitars, > > with their wide necks and all, are extremely difficult to play for those > > with small fingies. Therefore, I have deduced that either you have hands > > that are too large in proportion to the rest of your body > > > > |||| |||| > > ||||/ \|||| <------ big hand > > |__| O |__| > > \---+---/ > > / \ <------- stacia With those arms of proportions that even Popeye would consider deformed, just lifting her cereal spoon to her mouth every morning is going to build up her muscles to the point where she has EQUILATERAL TRAPEZIUMS!!! > > OR you were forced to play a kiddie guitar. Probably a pink plastic > > one with My Little Pony stickers on it! HA! And a crank in the side. > I saw such a kiddie guitar at a thrift store once. That such cheap > plastic was expected to hold up to the tension of those strings, > or any string tight enough to play a note, is an incredible display > of bad design. Not that any toy manufacturers ever care whether > their products break. This guitar had two strings remaining and > was about half the size of a real guitar, and the neck was bent > way the hell up. Ha! I can top that. I once saw a toy guitar where the neck was LITERALLY bent all the way to Hell, and every time I tried to finger it, Satan bit me! -- K. Also, why are each of Stacia's hands shaped like that impossible widget that Scott Kim stole from Escher who stole it from Roger Penrose who stole it from Steve Allen? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A Visit to Seattle's Trader Joes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 06:52:42 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Bozos always seem to have energy to spare. This is because bozosity > > violates the Second Law Of Thermodynamics, and bozosity will someday > > be harnessed to power the Sun! > > Someday, bozosity will be too cheap to meter! GUY IN OVERALLS: I'm here to read your bozo meter. ME: Okay. (GUY IN OVERALLS opens a small hatch, and eight cream pies hit him in the face.) ME: What's the reading? GUY IN OVERALS: Eight! Cream! Pies! (He falls down the stairs.) ME: I guess I should pave over those stairs so that doesn't happen again. I better go to Home Depot right away. (CUT TO Home Depot, where the owner is being chased through the store in fast-motion by a dozen women in string bikinis while wacky music plays.) -- K. Incidentally, today at Home Depot I was in the toilet trouble aisle and I found "Master Plunger: The Master Of _ALL_ Plungers" and "Double Agent With Nuggets". These James Bond movies are getting so lame! I mean, it used to be that Sean Connery found his girlfriend covered in gold paint. Now, Pierce Brosnan just finds her jammed into a toilet. Then, Bruce Boxleitner throws his glowing nuggets at the Master Plunger, and then Babylon 5 explodes because it got cancelled. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: CHAPTER 7: THE LOST ART OF CONVERSATION Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 07:00:39 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > "Eww!" she says, "This tastes like one of those Lego waffles!" > > We, her fellow diners, try not to betray our joy at this exceedingly > choice straight-line. "Lots of roughage in those Lego waffles, you > know." "Yeah, I like the new adventure set waffles, got those little > guys with the shiny hair." "Lego is really a million breakfast foods > in one!" > > "Shut up!" she says. "I meant EGGO waffles, you -" > > "Yeah, but when the Lego waffle gets down into your stomach, what if > the digesty-motion assembles it all into a big castle? That could > hurt mega-big-time, plus--" > > "Shut UP!" she says, "Can we just go back to what we were talking > about?" What I like that they have new Star Wars Lego waffles, which are just like the inside of the Death Star in the original Ernie Fosselius film. -- K. Also, Kelloggg's calls them Egggos because they reason they now say "PLUS CALCIUM!" is that they're made entirely from eggshells, just like Orange Julius. Dip one in Tang and you'll get a real Orange Julius! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Why Zelda64 is a terrible game Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 07:03:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I can play the Super Mario Bros. theme on my guitar. You know, if this weren't the Internet, I would say that that sentence had probably never been said before. But I'm sure that at least half the people on the Internet are, right now, playing the Super Mario Bros. theme, or the Atari 2600 Pac-Man theme, on their guitars, zithers, or contra bassoons. > We should get together and jam. Naah, let's be stinkers and go out the back way! -- K. THAT SUPERMAN SURE HATES STRAIGHT LINES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Why Zelda64 is a terrible game Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 09:01:25 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > I can play the Super Mario Bros. theme on my guitar. > > I can play the theme music from the Italian version of "Spazio:1999" on > my kidneys by rubbing a small magnet over my skin. The magnet moves a > tiny piezoelectric mechanism that I had implanted next to my kidney in > 1992, which acts as the kick-pedal to my giant taut-skinned kidney drum. This, incidentally, is how all the music for "Spazio: 1999" was orchestrated by Ennio Morricone, only instead of using David's kidney he used a cat's. While the cat was falling down the stairs onto a pile of corpses of clones of the late John Cage stuffed with high explosives, tubas, and stock footage from "Un Chien Andalou". -- K. This is why I don't like music, because it's cruel to the corpses of clones of the corpses of musicians. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: More fun at the grocery store Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 07:49:05 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > At the grocery last weekend, a couple of older ladies were walking > around with a cart, going very slowly. They were walking side by side > so you couldn't get around them, but in the fruit and veggie aisle, we > managed to squeeze past them; the roomie's desire for bananas hampered > us a bit, though, and we ran into the old ladies again in the egg > department. Later, when we were staring at the brownie mixes, the > ladies strolled by again, this time with a huge display thing attached > to their cart, making loud scraping noises. The display was a long > metal pole with clips attached to it, and packets of "Banana Frost > (tm)" hooked into the clips. This Banana Frost is found next to the > bananas, a marvel of clever marketing, and at first it seemed as though > the ladies apparently snagged it while weaving recklessly through the > banana aisle, and it latched onto the corner of their cart. > > We weren't sure if it was intentional or not. Not only was the display > large and easily noticable, but the scraping the bottom of the display > made when the cart moved was loud. After great thought, we determined > that they must have wanted 45 packets of "Banana Frost", even though they > bought no bananas, and simply hooked the whole contraption to their cart > in an effort to speed up the shopping process. > > By the time we got to the cat food aisle, we noticed the ladies had > discreetly dumped the Banana Frost display, disproving our theory that the > whole incident was intentional. Clearly, they'd accidentally slain the > poor Banana Frost display and were carrying it around the store like > inadvertent road kill. Waah! I liked your story until the disappointingly anticlimactic ending. Please go back and make the old ladies keep the Banana Frost display rack forever so that I can laugh at them and feel superior because smug little Kibo would never ever accidentally push an enormous rack of banana crap around the supermarket while on drugs. > Also, I discovered a drink called "Beefamato", which contains beef > broth; its sister drink is called "Clamato". Nothing more about this > needs to be said, because those two drinks are so damn weird, nothing I > could say about them would do it justice. Waah squared! I've been looking for Beefamato here for YEARS but nobody on my coast sells it. I think I would LOVE Beefamato, but then again, I've never had it. SO I AM MAD AT YOU BECAUSE YOU CAN HAVE BEEFAMATO AS OFTEN AS YOU WANT! YOU ARE VIOLATING MY CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT TO HAVE BEEFAMATO AS OFTEN AS YOU!!! -- K. Orange Frost, by the way, is just one of the eight fake "Orange Julius in your very own home" products introduced this year. It's basically powdered milk that, when added to orange juice, makes it into vanilliny orange juice that gives you fructose gas AND lactose gas. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: More fun at the grocery store Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 06:43:54 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [re a sad tale of old ladies who almost accidentally shoplifted a whole bunch of Banana Frost packets including the display rack] The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Waah! Kibo's adding spaces to my stories! He's telling me my > > punctuation isn't good enough for him! They weren't spaces, they were Banana Frost. > > I forgot to mention that when they returned the Banana > > Frost they also apparently picked up some bananas! EWW. Please do not mention old ladies picking up bananas in this family newsgroup which only likes to think about sex without people of sexy ages, you know, twelve to nineteen. > > Hey, if you ask nicely, when I send you another Dr Pepper clone, I'll > > send you Beefamato instead of lard. People will think I'm joking, but > > yes, I spent money to send lard to Kibo. Michael Driscoll (fenris@ulf.edgemail.com) wrote: > > This reminds me, did anyone get Kibo the Barney tape where they would > superimposed his head over one of the characters'? WAAAAAAH! I JUST REMEMBERED!!!! NO!!!!! NOW I'M ENRAGED! WAAAAAAAAAH!!!! > Did this remind anyone else of the "interactive dramas" from the movie > version of _Fahrenheit 451_? > > TV: I don't know. Perhaps we should ask JANET . > TV: What do you think, JANET . > Janet: I think that's a great idea. > TV: I agree, JANET . Her name was "Linda". You ruined the joke! -- K. Also, I don't think they specified it was a DRAMA. It might have been one of the wacky segments on "The White Clown Show". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Unreturned Cucumbers Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 08:25:11 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tech-support.recovery, "Aftermath" (aftermath@cros.net) wrote: > > Luser calls me the other day and says she is having problems with her email: > > [...] > > Aftermath: You got my test message, but you cant get your email? > > Luser: YES! > > Aftermath: Ma'am, if you got my test message, you are getting your email. > What makes you think you cant get any of your mail? > > Luser: it says that i have unreturned cucumbers! > > Aftermath: You have WHAT? Maybe you shoulda told'er to push the "return" key while holding a cucumber to her monitor. Unless, of course, she said she already tried that. > Luser: It says that i have unreturned cucumbers! And it says it is from Beth > M!!! IM NOT BETH M!!!!!!!!!! > > 10 minutes later after i got her to realize that there was a difference > between TO and FROM [...] I know this story. Doesn't it end with her telling you, "But I can't, there's already two rutabagas and a jackfruit there now!"? If not, then this is THE WORST PLAYBOY PARTY JOKE EVER. -- K. Please cancel my subscription in advance. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: New Scientific Result Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 20 Apr 1999 08:37:34 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For Jorn Barger: I have determined that the Ideal Document Size is large enough to contain one of the words "burping" and "exploded" but not both. You can mail the Nobel Prize to my E-mailbox. -- K. P.S. burping ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Pray For My Bleeding Heart. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 06:16:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I started this thread because Mike Jittlov said I should tell you people to send magical flower rays to my bleeding heart: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: >>>> >>>> However, the bleeding heart bulb I planted hasn't sprouted in the past >>>> three weeks. So, please tell me how I can make my bleeding heart happy. >>>> Other than by taking away Charlton Heston's guns and letting women wear >>>> pants any time they want. Sandy Gertzfield (sgertzfield@earthlink.net) wrote: >>> >>> Bleeding heart is a perennial and either it is dead or it will come up >>> next spring. Maybe you could use Charlton Heston as fertilizer. Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: >> >> No, I already did that. And he kept trying to shoot me from the >> grave. Did you guys know that Charlton Heston is buried in the same >> cemetary that Bob Hope and Karen Carpenter are? Gharlane of Eddore (gharlane@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu) wrote: > > Who are Bob Hope and Karen Carpenter? Were, son, were. Bob Hope was a little before your time. He died about 92 years ago when the plane he was flying in, piloted by the guy who wrote "The Little Prince", crashed into the Titanic. IT WAS THE BEST EPISODE OF "THE TIME TUNNEL" EVER! Anyway, here's today's update on the plant situation here at my home: * The lettuce is still really tiny, but I now have about 5000 microscopic heads of lettuce that look like colons. (The TYPOGRAPHICAL kind, you perverts.) * The eggplants are sprouting! They look like little green tweezers. * The six or seven okra plants are getting taller and taller but they all still only have their two leaves (apiece, silly.) They're very tall and thin and wobbly, not unlike the antenna of the one non-gay Teletubby. * The dill seeds are germinating about three weeks early. Is it my imagination, or do they just make up random things for the packets? ("Soak seeds for two days, then put them in the fridge for nine hours, then they will sprout in either one day or six weeks, depending on the number of letters in your middle name. Seedlings look like this:" followed by a little doodle of something with five leaves, all of different geometrical shapes -- one's a pentagon, one's a tesseract, etc.) * One of the Chinese bitter gourd seeds is starting to sprout. It looks icky already. * The cheap potting soil came with FREE MYSTERY PLANTS that are popping up! GEE, I HOPE THEY'RE SPECIAL RARE PLANTS AND NOT JUST WEEDS. But * The bleeding heart is still refusing to sprout. I think I'm going to try using a cattle prod on that recalcitrant little bulb. So, please keep concentrating on sending your mental energy into my bleding heart to make it pop up, especially if it will take time away from your doing the same for Bob Hope. -- K. I just hope I can grow enough okra in this pot to make enough slime for one meal. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Dumb News Of The Day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 05:05:26 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [news story 1] > > BEIJING, April 20 (AFP) - A Chinese woman died of shock when she > clapped eyes on her grand-daughter with dyed red hair, a regional > daily seen here Tuesday said. OW! I CLAPPED MY EYES! [news story 2] > > ``It's been garbage since he was 2-years-old -- you have no idea > what it's like having a child who has a passion for trash,'' said > Kevin's mother, Marsha Inciyaki. I will pay Mrs. Inciyaki FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS to legally change her son's name to "Dirty Frank" and sing the "Jabberwocky" theme song just for Leah Verre. [news story 3] > > Subject: Judge: Release Sonny Bono's DNA Yes, release it! It's dangerous to keep it penned up! Sonny Bono's DNA could escape from its test tube and go on A MURDEROUS RAMPAGE! [news story 4] > > Subject: DiCaprio Safe After Boat Capsizes OH POOH! And the most important news story of the day... among the few Americans killed so far during the Kosovo/Yugoslavia war-let, yesterday the guy who created "Schoolhouse Rock" was killed. I am not making this up. His car went off the road in Albania while he and his wife were on their way to the war. I feel I should not attempt to make light of this terrible tragedy because it's already funny, because, hey, SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK. -- K. And I didn't even mention the death of Se–or Wences at 103. He is survived by his grandfather, Bob Hope. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: tinky winky Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 05:54:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Gary Williams (gwms@spectra.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Is it okay that I actually laughed when I saw that commercial where > > Jerry Seinfeld throws a bunch of boxes of over-the-counter hemorrhoid > > medications onto the counter at the drugstore and yells,"YAHTZEE!!!!"? > > I'm sorry, I have many unhappy childhood memories of trying to entertain > > myself by playing Yahtzee. IT'S JUST LIKE POKER ONLY WITHOUT ALL THAT > > BETTING AND BLUFFING AND HARD STUFF!!! > > I'm starting to wonder about Seinfeld's commercials about drug stores. > The one I see the most right now has him buying a huge amount of > embarrassing stuff, and then he goes to some homeless-looking people > and hands a lot of it out -- Throws it, son, throws it. He doesn't actually touch the people covered with scabies, and for good reason. Also notice that they aren't allowed to go into the drugstore to get it themselves, because those people are banned from drugstores because THEY HAVE DRUG PROBLEMS!!! But I didn't find that commercial demeaning or offensive because it has an all-male cast, and we men know how to take a joke. Now, if he had pinched a woman's fanny, then that would be offensive. But not to us men. So again it wouldn't matter. UNLESS SHE PINCHED BACK!!! But they'd never show that in a million years because it might give women ideas. > is it only ok to do nice things if you embarrass the folks you > are giving to? Gary, I fixed the funny line-wrapping of your article, you might want to check the settings of your newsreader program, YOU DING-A-LING!!! You're right, it felt better to do you a favor while insulting you than to just do you a favor. > I've always thought YAHTZEE!!! was kinda like draw craps, actually. That would be blackjack, or as Gil Gerard called it in the 25th century, "Ten'n'Eleven", which only he could win at because 25th-century people are too stupid to add up ten'n'eleven unlike brainy Gil Gerard. I WONDER WHY HE'S NOT ON TV ANY MORE NOW THAT HE WEIGHS 400 POUNDS? Also, would the third season have become even more like "Battlestar Galactica" or even more like "Space: 1999"? > -- Gary > ---- > Sorry to be so slow, but my monitor went --@PAH_FLASH!!!@- last > Thursday, > so I've been offnet. At least the new one doesn't roll down > continuously. > You know, I noticed that after I worked with the slow roll for an hour > of so (it stopped after about 3 hours), when I looked away the room > seemed > to be rolling upwards... AND THEN YOUR FRUIT ROLL-UPS WERE GONE!!! -- K. And you were in high school in a nudist camp, AND ONLY YOU WERE WEARING CLOTHES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: YES! YES! Sign me up for a heaping bowl of that!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 22 Apr 1999 06:01:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor They're LETTERBOXING the new video release of the long-unseen "Incubus", starring William Shatner overacting in black and white widescreen ESPERANTO!!! YAYYYYYY!!!! I think this may be the first time I have ever actually been informed or entertained by "The Daily Show". Well, okay, I was only actually informed or entertained by the clips of William Shatner. The rest of the show was just filler around the Shatner. Between the video release of "Incubus" and the impending "Battlestar Galactica: The Motion Picture", this is going to be the greatest summer ever in the history of entertainment. THE HUMAN ADVENTURE CONTINUES! IN ESPERANTO! Unfortunately, the bastards subtitled it. -- K. They should subtitle "Battlestar Galactica: The Major Motion Picture Experience" as well, so that when Starbuck says "Oh, frack!" the caption will say, "Hoopy-doo!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Eternal Four Year Old Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 06:35:56 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > [...] Try having a six-year-old girl insist on kissing you -- > and ultimately kissing you -- on the same spot on your calf that, > an hour previous, was covered in drippy poo. > > You know, the only reason I mention these things is because ark is > generally less angsty and more self-congratulatory than it was when I > first came here. Hey. I just came to this realization about four-year-olds, Kibology, and poopy legs: alt.religion.kibology is the newsgroup that kisses the spot on your leg that you poo through. alt.religion.kibology pooed on your leg. alt.religion.kibology is the group most likely to be visited by people who can't pick a "real name" and go with it. alt.religion.kibology is the group most likely to be visited by people whose parents never picked a "real name". alt.religion.kibology only kisses you on the places with poo. alt.religion.kibology is the four-year-old kid kicking the back of your seat as you drive the Information Superhighway. alt.religion.kibology is the only place where drippy poo is better. -- K. Ever take the scene from "Star Trek II" where Kirk yells "KHAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!" and dub it so that Shatner is screaming "POOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Stop Listening to Brian Eno! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 07:14:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > > > I'm just naming albums that I have in my collection. I call mine Arthur. > > HEY! BRIAN BACKWARDS IS "NAIRB" WHICH MEANS THAT IF YOU RUB ONE OF HIS > > ALBUMS ON YOUR BODY, IT ACTS AS A GREAT HAIR REMOVER! IT REMOVES ONLY GREAT HAIR! THAT'S WHY TED DANSON NOW WEARS A WIG! > > WATCH OUT BIKINI LINE! ERROL MORRIS'S "THE WHIN RED BIKINI LINE"! NOW IN THEATERS! STARRING STEVEN HAWKING AND MARCEL MARCEAU IN THE FIRST ALL-MIME ACTION MOVIE! Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > Careful! Nair-B only removes yellow and black hair. BEWARE > OF THE BALD BEE. Scientists say: if bees were bald, it would be impossible for them NOT to fly. -- K. And then Ramona spilled Nair-B all over Beezus. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Banjo-Kazooie Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 07:30:00 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > Also, I like watching really cutesy Japanese cartoons, where the > swimming-pool eyes have twinkles, and the twinkles have more twinkles, > and the pastel bubbles are full of smaller pastel bubbles...and you > must ENTER THE FRACTAL DIMENSION OF CUTENESS! Of course, depending on what's causing the bubbles, it could also be the FRACTAL DIMENSION OF FARTS! Fortunately, you could only smell one layer of it if you didn't have three nostrils so you could smell four dimensions. -- K. And as I've pointed out before, sliced lotus root has no calories just because it's a fractal, unless you sprinkle it with Cantor dust. Mmm, dusty. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I left my pants at work Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 07:39:45 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > "I left my pants at work." > > Boy, I never thought I'd get the chance to truthfully say that. So, given that you work at Blockbuster, did you take them off because they were giving one one of their daily urine tests? I mean the full-body urine tests that they give all the Blockbuster employees. While blindfolded. Or is that the Masons? > Here's what happened. > There was a power outage. The phones went out. I decided that it was not a > good idea to hang around a place with (A) no lights except two flashlights > and (B) no way to call 911. So I went across the street to work (a video > store). I hope you told them that you were just showing up to laugh at them for having to be on duty while there was no power to illuminate the TVs they have bolted to the ceiling showing the trailer for "Meet The Deedles" over and over and over and over and over. Hey, wait, there's something wrong with my logic. OH, YEAH, I FORGOT FOR A MILLISECOND HOW MUCH ALL THE MOVIES THEY WATCH IN THE VIDEO STORE SUCK. Why is it that the overhead monitors only show (a) crappy movies and (b) crappy trailers for even crappier movies? I mean, do all Blockbuster employees REALLY enjoy watching "Titanic" fifteen times a day? By the way, one of my VCRs recently developed the habit of omitting every fourth frame from all recordings (must be a bad head, and the thing is talented enough not to interpolate a frame of garbage but simply find the next frame immediately) so all movies come out at 3/4 of the length they should be. As a result, I have determined that if I were to record "Titanic" on this machine, then put the tape in my other VCR and record it again on the bad VCR, and repeat that a dozen times, it would only be .75^12 the length it is now, and I might be able to watch it while only being bored for less than three hours. > To prepare, I put on a pair of pants over my shorts. I got there, they let me > in and they asked me to help out. I skivvied off my pants and left them by the > front counter. I helped out. The power came back on. I decided to hop on down > the grocery store for power outage stuff. > > I came back to the store to use the bathroom. As I left, the manager called > me and tossed me my pants. Which were now WARM! > I wonder how many people saw my pants laying on the floor and wondered about > them. Do Blockbuster customers really wonder about anything? I mean, they're just there to watch the trailer for "Meet The Deedles" on someone else's TV. -- K. Remember, Blockbuster is 50% owned by Disney and 50% by Viacom, so when they give you a urine test, they gotta have someone split it into two vials to mail it to TWO repositories for future blackmail potential. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: By the way -- Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 23 Apr 1999 07:41:44 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor RIGHT NOW I WOULD KILL FOR A GLASS OF CHOCOLATE MILK! -- K. WITH NO ICE OR BUGS IN IT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Concern at offal-eating Australian cult which wears pink underwear Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 25 Apr 1999 08:31:39 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A French "news" agency recently wire-serviced: > > Subject: Concern at offal-eating Australian cult which wears pink underwear Gee, I wonder if the content of this one will live up to the subject line. I WILL PAY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO THE FIRST PERSON WHO WRITES AN ARTICLE WHICH IS AS GOOD AS THAT SUBJECT LINE. > SYDNEY, April 23 (AFP) - A bizarre cult which orders its > followers to only wear pink or white underwear *** SYNTACTICAL AMBIGUITY DETECTED on line 2 Do you mean 1.) Wear nothing but underwear (which is pink) or 2.) Wear normal clothing with the proviso that underwear must be pink? Also, *** POSSIBLE GAYNESS DETECTED on line 2 > and eat lambs brains and ox tongue unlike normal Aussies who eat ox brains and lamb tongue. > is denying Australian children a normal upbringing, a Liberal senator > has claimed. > The group which calls itself the Vibrational Individuation Program BOINGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! *** UNAVOIDABLE WACKY NOISE generated on line 6 > is "an insidious social contagion," said Grant Chapman. *** INSIDIOUS CONTAGION DETECTED on line 7 > "For the individuals concerned who have been unfortunate enough > to have fallen prey in their search for the longing, I've fallen prey and I can't get up! *** LAUGH TRACK UNABLE TO PROCEED AFTER ABOVE LINE *** HORSE BEATEN TO DEATH in year 1988 > life becomes one of depravation and total dependancy," he said in > parliament late Thursday. While wearing only normal WHITE panties. And a bra. > "They can only be described as the working of a cult." > Offal always features as one of the required foods Try new improved Easy Offal! Now endorsed by the Australian Vibrational Individuation Program! BOINNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!! > and followers are indoctrinated into believing that if they do not abide by > individual food programs, WARNING! AVOID INDIVIDUAL FOOD PROGRAMS! AVOID INDIVIDUALITY AT ALL COSTS! BEING AN INDIVIDUAL COULD LEAD TO CULTISHNESS! > disease would enter their body, he said. > "Children born into the cult are fed the most bizarre food Orbitz? > from birth and reports have come to my attention of undernourished, > underweight babies." Who vibrate. > He said children were prevented from having birthday parties or > going to friend's houses in case the host parents' "feed the child > something normal." All food shall be divided into three categories: normal, natural, and cotton candy. (Thus, Orbitz is a form of cotton candy.) -- K. New marketing slogan: "Orbitz: It's like cotton candy... with diarrhea." That would appeal to cotton candy lovers AND offal lovers! P.S. Without "W", waffles would be offal AND offal would be misspelled!