Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Concern at offal-eating Australian cult which wears pink underwear Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 25 Apr 1999 08:31:39 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A French "news" agency recently wire-serviced: > > Subject: Concern at offal-eating Australian cult which wears pink underwear Gee, I wonder if the content of this one will live up to the subject line. I WILL PAY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS TO THE FIRST PERSON WHO WRITES AN ARTICLE WHICH IS AS GOOD AS THAT SUBJECT LINE. > SYDNEY, April 23 (AFP) - A bizarre cult which orders its > followers to only wear pink or white underwear *** SYNTACTICAL AMBIGUITY DETECTED on line 2 Do you mean 1.) Wear nothing but underwear (which is pink) or 2.) Wear normal clothing with the proviso that underwear must be pink? Also, *** POSSIBLE GAYNESS DETECTED on line 2 > and eat lambs brains and ox tongue unlike normal Aussies who eat ox brains and lamb tongue. > is denying Australian children a normal upbringing, a Liberal senator > has claimed. > The group which calls itself the Vibrational Individuation Program BOINGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!! *** UNAVOIDABLE WACKY NOISE generated on line 6 > is "an insidious social contagion," said Grant Chapman. *** INSIDIOUS CONTAGION DETECTED on line 7 > "For the individuals concerned who have been unfortunate enough > to have fallen prey in their search for the longing, I've fallen prey and I can't get up! *** LAUGH TRACK UNABLE TO PROCEED AFTER ABOVE LINE *** HORSE BEATEN TO DEATH in year 1988 > life becomes one of depravation and total dependancy," he said in > parliament late Thursday. While wearing only normal WHITE panties. And a bra. > "They can only be described as the working of a cult." > Offal always features as one of the required foods Try new improved Easy Offal! Now endorsed by the Australian Vibrational Individuation Program! BOINNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!! > and followers are indoctrinated into believing that if they do not abide by > individual food programs, WARNING! AVOID INDIVIDUAL FOOD PROGRAMS! AVOID INDIVIDUALITY AT ALL COSTS! BEING AN INDIVIDUAL COULD LEAD TO CULTISHNESS! > disease would enter their body, he said. > "Children born into the cult are fed the most bizarre food Orbitz? > from birth and reports have come to my attention of undernourished, > underweight babies." Who vibrate. > He said children were prevented from having birthday parties or > going to friend's houses in case the host parents' "feed the child > something normal." All food shall be divided into three categories: normal, natural, and cotton candy. (Thus, Orbitz is a form of cotton candy.) -- K. New marketing slogan: "Orbitz: It's like cotton candy... with diarrhea." That would appeal to cotton candy lovers AND offal lovers! P.S. Without "W", waffles would be offal AND offal would be misspelled! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: By the way -- Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Mon, 26 Apr 1999 07:44:19 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > RIGHT NOW I WOULD KILL FOR A GLASS OF CHOCOLATE MILK! > > > > WITH NO ICE OR BUGS IN IT! > > WHAT ABOUT WITH GIANT FLOATING BOB HOPE HEADS??? Right after I posted that I decided that I would be equally happy to have a cold V-8. In fact, I wanted them equally badly so I would have settled for the average of the two: 50% chocolate milk and 50% V-8. Then I realized that thirst was driving me insane and drank some water instead. -- K. Sometime I'll tell you about the giant Toaster Strudel I almost saw. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Unsettling Development In Nyack. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 04:27:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In the wake of the latest school shooting -- 51 people tragically wounded by shotgun blasts of rock salt and powdered SweetTarts -- in Nyack, New York, unsettling evidence has come to light. A search of the lockers of the three shooters, the so-called "Burlap Bastards", has turned up these three notes: "I'm going to shoot lots of people because I like to watch Bob Hope movies. He are cool," said the first. "Bob Hope rocks! I never play any video games because watching Bob Hope on television and reading about him in the newspapers is so much cool! Bob Hope is super-awesum!" said the second note. The third note, which said simply, "I like fuzzey puppeys. & Bob Hope too. I are a fresh man," was written on a slice of baloney. In mustard. And the capital I's were dotten with little hearts of pickle relish. School administrators everywhere have sprung into swift action -- locking up all the "troublesome" students, the kind who spend long hours amusing themselves quietly rather than in healthy social activities such as dodgeball, and of course the obvious correct course of action was taken when Bob Hope was arrested for 51 counts of badly-attempted murder and all prints of all his movies were burned. The three Burlap Bastards were released on their own recognizance now that Bob Hope is in jail. And, in conjunction with our newly-amended Constitution, this news service will no longer be able to mention the name of a certain formerly great entertainer who was responsible for this awful awfulness. Therefore, we will not be reporting on the trial of B-- H---, and you should simply assume that he is guilty and is now being punished for his crimes against humanity. Sincerely, A BAD SATIRIST ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Wizardly Dreams Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 04:31:52 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fan.mike-jittlov, Raima Velocis (gvv@atl.hp.com) wrote: > > I had a copy [of "The Wizard of Speed & Time"] on VHS, but wore it out. Hey! That's the idea I was looking for for my marketing campaign to sell all these copies of "The Postman"! "THE POSTMAN -- THE MOVIE YOU CAN'T WEAR OUT!" By the way, I'd like to thank Mike and the other nice folks in alt.fan.mike-jittlov for transmitting Jittlovian Green Power rays into my potted bleeding heart bulb. It finally sprouted -- looks like it'll be a late bloomer. Mike also says that I should grow green beans in front of my TV because the deadly radiation that comes out of them will make my TV mutate wildly, or I might have that backwards. -- K. So why can't science discover a new form of radiation that only destroys Kevin Costner movies? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: i like food Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 04:45:12 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS GEOMETRY. Warning: That article STILL contains geometry! > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > > > David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > > > > > > > You [Stacia] claim that you could have been the next Segovia-ita AND > > > > that you are small in stature. I know for a fact that classical > > > > guitars, with their wide necks and all, are extremely difficult to > > > > play for those with small fingies. Therefore, I have deduced that > > > > either you have hands that are too large in proportion to the rest > > > > of your body > > > > > > > > |||| |||| > > > > ||||/ \|||| <------ big hand > > > > |__| O |__| > > > > \---+---/ > > > > / \ <------- stacia > > Holy god. How did I ever miss this post? Because you were holding your huge deformed hands in front of your face. And then Homer Simpson bumped into you and spilled a pail of glowing green water on you and then Bart said "Eat my shorts!" to the special guest star, Dr. Joyce Brothers's brother. > Anyhow, yes, I have small hands, which made guitarring difficult. But > my teacher also had small hands (and he was a guy, so you know what *that* > means!!!1!) and I learned ways to get around that problem. By shaving down your guitar pick to a nub? You know, you can pick your friends and your can pick your picks but you can't shove picks up your friend's nose. Unless you push really hard. > Also, please stop drawing pornographic ascii art of me. Thanks you. I have a theory, and it is this: Either all ASCII art is pornographic or no ASCII art is pornographic, but it is impossible to tell which because it's just a bunch of hyphens and stuff. > > With those arms of proportions that even Popeye would consider deformed, > > just lifting her cereal spoon to her mouth every morning is going to > > build up her muscles to the point where she has EQUILATERAL TRAPEZIUMS!!! > > Oh no! Kibo said math words! Stacia's brane was RUINED! Then, Stacia realized that because her brain had two hemispheres, it added up to a perfect sphere, and thus her spinal cord could not go in or out of it because it was an unbroken but wrinkly ball, and she dropped dead due to lack of faith in her bodily topology. > > > > OR you were forced to play a kiddie guitar. Probably a pink plastic > > > > one with My Little Pony stickers on it! HA! > > > > And a crank in the side. > > I had one of those, bought from a store in Springfield, Missouri, called > Crazy Cecil's. God, I loved that place. I still have poker chips with a > price tag that reads "Crazy Cecil's", just to prove it existed. Krazy Jack's in Lynn is better because they not only still have original Captain Power Halloween "loot bags" (sized just right to hold nearly two ounces of candy, or half a popcorn ball) but weeeeeird breakfast cereals from Moscow with weeeeeeeeeeeird Russian knockoffs of NutraSweet that would probably make your brain mutate from a perfect sphere to a perfectly scalene trapezoid. DICK CLARK HOSTS "TRAPEZOID TRAP", COMING UP NEXT ON THIS CBS STATION! > But because I'm being a little serious, I did have a kiddie guitar when > I started playing at the age of 8, which is really late for most kids who > are going to be musicians or Olympic gymnasts. But my kiddie guitar was > wooden, not cheapo plastique. (Ka-boom.) Mmm, Semtexy! > > > I saw such a kiddie guitar at a thrift store once. That such cheap > > > plastic was expected to hold up to the tension of those strings, > > > or any string tight enough to play a note, is an incredible display > > > of bad design. Not that any toy manufacturers ever care whether > > > their products break. This guitar had two strings remaining and > > > was about half the size of a real guitar, and the neck was bent > > > way the hell up. > > > > Ha! I can top that. I once saw a toy guitar where the neck was LITERALLY > > bent all the way to Hell, and every time I tried to finger it, Satan bit me! > > Is it odd that I just now noticed you guys are really weird? What, just because we are obsessed with playing a role-playing game based on "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters"? I CALL DIBS ON PLAYING TOM HANKS GOING INSANE!!! > > Also, why are each of Stacia's hands shaped like that impossible > > widget that Scott Kim stole from Escher who stole it from Roger > > Penrose who stole it from Steve Allen? > > My hands actually looked like those funky spoons that you grab spaghetti > out of the pot with, probably called a Pasta Skoop [dibs] or something, at > least to me. A Doidy Spoon. > Was David trying to call me Stacia Spoonhands? I'M HURT! Ow! My feelings! People with spoonhands don't HAVE feelings. > The sun, she explode. I think that's a weird catchphrase from somewhere, but I don't get it because I AM TOO WEIRD!!! -- K. I'M AT NINTH LEVEL SO I CAN MAKE MY OWN SCENARIOS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological stuff I read today. [Sorta Re: Panic!] Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 04:52:59 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dr. Aaron I. Allensworth, Yh.B.T." (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > As I mentioned, but nobody read the post, I was experiencing a bit of a > problem getting my term prject done. All of my writing utensils were > non-functional. AND SOME SCRIBBLER WALKED OFF WITH YOUR RECTAL THERMOMETER!!! (from Bennett Cerf's "Playboy Party Jokes For Morons In The Bizarro World.") > So I go out to my local discount store and buy some typewriter ribbons. > On el back of los carton, I saw a truly terrifying vision: > > ""Smith-Corona" and the letter "H" are trademarks of the Smith-Corona > Corporation..." > > [If you wanna verify this, look for goofy-lookin' ribbons in a blue and > yellow carton. Read it and weep.] I don't approve of them stealing Kibology's Giant H logo. They should be forced, at lawyer-point, to go back to their old logo: A picture of a glowing aura of luminous plasma coming from the head of "Lost In Space"'s Dr. Smith. > I also saw in, of course, the supermarket, a bag of spicy-licious curly > fries. The bag was quite prominently labed, "TASTY QQQ'S" BYE TASTEY QQQ"S !!!! THEIR NUQULAR !!!!111 -- BABALY0N V"S CLAUDIA BIFFTIAN -- K. I should stop making fun of my ex-wife's enormous speech impediment, but that's okay because that's not why they fired her. It was because she refused to wear Dave Foley's old dresses. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I left my pants at work Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 05:08:16 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ALL THE MOVIES THEY WATCH IN THE VIDEO STORE SUCK. Why is it that the > > overhead monitors only show (a) crappy movies and (b) crappy trailers > > for even crappier movies? I mean, do all Blockbuster employees REALLY > > enjoy watching "Titanic" fifteen times a day? > > The Blockbuster guys have it dead easy. At the local outlet of the > national chain of Mars Music stores (which individual store now has a > little trademark-suit sign on the fron door declaiming any connection with > the Maryland-wide Mars grocery stores, like anybody could become confused > bewteen celery and a cymbal) the imates have to watch the "director's cut" > of Cher's new video with enhanced bass and 30 seconds of additional leadin > flashing lights through a Woodstock-grade, zero-tolerance, > sound-enforcement domination system. Cher's lipo-enhanced mug is about the > size of a Rover, but shot with a lens covered with enough vaseline to > {insert gross anatomical joke here.} The continual exposure to Granny > Cher's actinic glare has taken its toll on these poor souls. They have > become simple in a way described by Philip Dick in _A Scanner Darkly._ > They are entrusted with a cash regster on which there is only one working > button. There is no method for the cashier to actually enter a price other > than by swiping a bar code. This resulted in your humble correspondant > being unnecessarily exposed to the Cher Video while the cashier tried to > figure out how to ring up an item on which there was no bar code. We > escaped with a slight limp and a tendency to flinch at the sight of > butter. Cher is the Substance D of music videos. Could be worse. A lightning strike could cause her an Alanis Morrissette to switch places and then Cher would have too many double letters in her name and would be singing in the middle of New York City while covered only by a computer-generated blur effect that look not unlike a quantity of Vaseline large enough to cause even more severe gastrointestinal effects than six bowls of BooBerry. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > E Teflon Piano (etp@The-Institute.org) writes: > > > > bewteen celery and a cymbal) the imates have to watch the "director's cut" > > iMate? Is that the new Mac version of RealDoll? (Cut to an all-plastic RealCher doll singing "She Comes In Colors" while Matt McIrvin covers his ears because an iMac across the room keeps making a sound halfway between a trumpet and celery.) Waah! I can't work Phil Dick into this! I must be a loser! (I don't know what color iMac Phil Dick would have used, but it would definitely have had silver-plated nipples.) Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > My friend was listening to a creepy guy from the UofU CS department > ramble on about love dolls. Mr. Scary suddenly turned to my friend > and said, "HOW DO YOU CLEAN A LOVE DOLLLLL?" Then he turned to > someone else and demanded, "HOW DO YOU CLEAN A LOVE DOLLLLLL?" He > cornered some passing strangers, crying out "HOW DO YOU CLEAN THE LOVE > DOLLLL?" I think that I should take a love doll to the dry cleaner and film the hilarity that would undoubtedly ensue. Then I'd be funnier than Michael Moore and Tom Green combined! Unfortunately, if you combined Michael Moore with Tom Green, you'd get someone a lot less funny than Michael Moore. This article has a river running exclusively through Michael Moore's name, which makes it Typographically Defective in a very special way. Waah! This last line ruined my typographical defect! > I just realized that "a creepy guy from the UofU CS department" > doesn't narrow things down all that much. I went by the lab once; > everyone was working on their image-search algorithm. Most of them > were trying to search a jpg of a woman in a bikini for the breastular > region. A guy in the front row was browbeating his neighbor: "I only > need THREE LOOPS, so I captured her breasts the fastest!" Then why did they add the green and blue and purple ones to Froot Loops? Well? I mean, now you can't LEGITIMATELY call them "Boob Loops" any more. Also, some evil person, probably in Switzerland, has genetically-engineered Swiss Chard to come in fluorescent magenta, orange, and yellow -- the same three colors in original Boob Loops. I am scared because this is a vegetable which looks artificially colored but isn't. And the packet my fluorescent chard seeds came in says it has "a mild chard flavor". I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE BUT I KNOW THAT IF YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF CHARD, BUT NOT VERY MUCH, YOU'LL LIKE NEW MAGENTA CHARD!!! > In defense of these people, I must note that they "only read > Victoria's Secret catalogs for the articles". I only read it for the little cartoons by Sergio Aragones in the cleavage. -- K. This post contains a secret Mad Magazine Fold-In. Please fold your computer screen until you find the funny part. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A Peek Inside Kibo's Brain. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 05:45:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I was walking home from the #66 bus stop the other day, and I went past where they dug up the gas station and had just poured the concrete for the foundation of some new shop. It was raining. The right hemisphere of my brain says "Hey! Look! A Toaster Strudel!" Left Hemisphere: "That's too big to be a Toaster Strudel." Right Hemisphere: "Wow! A super-giant Toaster Strudel!" Left Hemisphere: "Look, it's gray. It's just a rectangular area of newly- poured concrete with a white irrigation hose zigzagging across it to keep it moist so that it will dry more slowly, especially as it's raining, and will thus be stronger. So it's NOT A TOASTER STRUDEL!" Right Hemisphere: "I don't care, it looks like a Toaster Strudel, so it will taste like one. Me want eat it!" Left Hemisphere: "No, you can't. Besides, that plastic chicken-wire fence might be electrified. And have herpes." Right Hemisphere: "WAAH! ME WANT TOASTER STRUDEL!" Left Hemisphere: "Well, why didn't you say you were desperate for one when we were walking past the grocery store?" Right Hemisphere: "I didn't realize I had to have one until you told me I couldn't!" Stomach: "WILL YOU TWO BOTH SHUT UP? THE THINGS MAKE ME HURT!" Feet: "Don't worry, it's too late, the big gray thing's receding over the horizon now." Right Hemisphere: "WAAH!" Left Hemisphere: "YAY!" Stomach: (gurgles incoherently) -- K. This has been a true story, except for the story part. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.particle,sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The H-M's Particle Model Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:09:36 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology [the latest in the continuing saga of a wacky Finn whose little daughter's crayon scribbles define the structure of the Universe] Hannu Poropudas (haporopu@koillismaa.fi) wrote: > > The H-M's Particle Model > > I have figured out (now from my memory) that at least following particles > exist > in H-M's drawings (please check from the drawings and writings > that if I remembered these right): > > - photon (bunch of colour electricity wrong neutrinos in expansing > side of the Universe), > - photon (bunch of colour electricity right neutrino couples > (bigger and small neutrino in one couple) in contracting side of > the Universe), (H-M's drawings), > - six "water drop form" colour electricity Higgs particles > (Z0, W+, W-, H0, H+, H-) and at least Z0, W+, W- are composite > particles, (H-M's drawings), > - eight colour electricity gluons (six of them are essential), > - eight colour electricity magnetic monopoles (magnetic monopole is > half colour electricity wrong neutrino and half colour electricity > right neutrino, magnetic monopoles communicate with each others > with colour electricity "messages"), (H-M's drawings), > - four colour electricity wrong neutrino species, H-M drew > these in two ways: one was colour electricity circle and second > was colour electricity signal periphery plus colour electricity > spot in center, (H-M's drawings), Poor Spot! > - four colour electricity right neutrino species and corresponding > four small colour electricity right neutrino species (these small > neutrinos exist due to contraction of the Universe), > (H-M's drawings), > - four colour electricity lepton species (electron, myon, tauon, > and 4.th lepton (unnamed)), (they have form of circulating > (signal) colour electricity sphere, on the sphere there is one > colour electricity suction spot (like "tornado" or "hurricane"), > except 4.th which has several suction spots on its colour > electricity sphere surface, suction spot acts like a black hole > and its center is center of the lepton), (H-M's drawings), So that's what those brown dots of Bob Hope's scalp are. They're colour electricty suction spots. Careful! Don't touch Bob Hope's head! > - four colour electricity quark species (only four quark species > exist in H-M's drawings, as 8-sided colour electricity crystals > and also as colour electricity signal peripheries with violet > colour electricity spot in their center), (H-M's drawings). You know, the only thing I don't understand about this theory is, why didn't you buy little Hanna-Maria a BIG box of Crayolas so that you could discover cornflower, ochre, yellow-green, indigo, and "flesh" colored particles? > Other particles in the model: > > - proton consists of five colour electricity quarks (proton's mass > changes one of these to black colour electricity colour), > (H-M's drawings), > - neutron consists of five colour electricity quarks (neutron's mass > changes one of these to black colour in one "day" and in second > "day" this quark has colour electricity colour which belongs to > other four colours), (H-M's drawings). Yes, but what does black electricity TASTE like? > - space-potato particle (small colour electricity right neutrinos > are as couples in the "mirror" where are also colour signal > cones (form of "hourglass"), they transform positive mass to > negative mass (right neutrinos for example by def.) and vice > versa, (H-M's drawings). NEW IMPROVED SPACE POTATO, NOW IN ONE PARTICLE! > > Please take a look for more accurately H-M's drawings (*.GIF or > *.JPEG) and my explanations (Readme.*, readable with DOS's EDIT > command) about them in the: > > http://www.nic.funet.fi/pub/doc/misc/HannuPoropudas From said Web page: -> Hanna-Maria-1.gif Wed Aug 11 16:32:41 1993 632,205 K -> -> Hanna-Maria-2.gif Wed Aug 11 16:32:42 1993 573,61 K -> -> Hanna-Maria-drawing-1.gif Wed Aug 11 16:32:43 1993 115,67 K -> -> Hanna-Maria-drawing-10.gif Thu Oct 27 16:30:01 1994 698,148 K Hannu, I like the fact that your K's are as large as most people's bytes. And much more flexible in their use of commas. Your Web page is over 1,0,0,0,0,0 times cooler than mine! > or > > http://www.funet.fi/pub/doc/misc/HannuPoropudas That's one of the cutest "404" pages I've ever seen. It's gotta widdle gopher! > Readme.SEE, 233kB, 3-Nov-96, > Readme.MID, 252kB, 6-Nov-96, > Readme.all, 236kb, 26-Oct-94. > > (+ my articles after last mentioned date in news groups: > sci.physics, sci.astro, sci.physics.particle etc., which are > not collected summaries as above.) Just out of curiosity, given that Hanna-Maria made her doodles for you many years ago, and you once said her 5th birthday was April 28, 1992, shouldn't she be old enough right now to be making neater doodles with a real pen? Doodles where you discover new colors of neutrinos between "PLEASE HELP ME!" and "MY DADDY IS A WACKO!"? I mean, her twelfth birthday would be tomorrow. Assuming you didn't just MAKE HER UP after doing those doodles yourself. Of course, that still wouldn't be as sad as you sitting there studying sixteen pages of random crayon scribbles for SEVEN YEARS. I mean, I'd rather sit through "The Postman" again than stare at scribbles for seven years. > Best Regards, > > Hannu Poropudas, > Vesaisentie 9E, > 90900 Kiiminki. > Finland. I don't know why, but for some reason my newsreader program just won't un-ROT13 that. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fractal Chaff Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:12:55 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics, Helmut Wabnig (hwabnig@netway.at) wrote: > > [...] > > Fractal chaff would look nice, something to collect. I can imagine that instead of saying "COLLECT ALL SIX!" the box would say "COLLECT ALL TWO POINT FIVE DIMENSIONS!" and it would contain an infinite amount of chaff in a finite space. Except most of it would fall out between the atoms in the bottom of the box. -- K. Everything should be available in fractal form. FRACTAL PAC-MAN! FRACTAL HIGHWAYS! FRACTAL PEZ! JIM HENSON'S FRACTAL MUPPETS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Los Tres Investigadores Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:17:32 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ackthp@my-dejanews.com, who forgot to pick a Real Name, wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The answer I remember most vividly was "Because Encyclopedia Brown knew > > that electric clocks don't tick!" > > "Because squirrels never crawl face-down down a tree!" That was what clued > me in that our house was under animatronic communist surveillance, so in my > case the series completely fulfilled its didactic purpose. IT'S BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKING FUN OF HIM THAT ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN AND HIS TRENCHCOATED CHUMS SHOT UP THAT SCHOOL!!! YOUR SICK!!!!!!!! -- K. I JUST WON THIS AREGUEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Los Tres Investigadores Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 09:57:43 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Alex Suter (asuter@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com): > > > > The answer I remember most vividly was "Because Encyclopedia Brown knew > > that electric clocks don't tick!" Reading that has caused me to take > > conscious note of every ticking electric clock that I've encountered in my > > life, including the wristwatch I am now wearing. > > I picture a giant roll of white butcher paper with the title > Matt McIrvin followed by thousands upon thousands of tick marks. And as it slowly moves past your eyes, light beams shine through thousands of tiny rectangular holes, and wherever Matt assaulted it with a paper punch the extra holes cause you to hallinate that ducks are flying through your brain, and then it goes faster and faster until it rips and your brain bursts into flame and then everything and everyone except Rod Serling ceases to exist. And then the camera slowly pans to screen right to reveal Kibo is turning the crank. While giggling. And drinking blue Kool-Aid. WHICH NO LONGER EXISTS!!! > On a much smaller piece of paper nearby is the title > Encyclopedia Brown with a big fat zero. That's not a zero. That's just the part of the butcher paper that was used to indivudually-wrap a greasy onion ring. Before Richard Feynman installed it in the Space Shuttle. > Matt McIrvin wins. Fatality. Flawless victory. But I know that Matt McIrvin cannot have killed Encyclopedia Brown because I know that fictional characters never die unless they're evil, and Encyclopedia brown can't be evil because his name was in the title of the book. Q.E.D., now give me my diploma because I have Life Experience from reading Encyclopedia Brown books all day except when I'm watching TV. COMING THIS SUMMER: ROY SCHEIDER IN "ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN: THE MOTION PICTURE"! -- K. Just once I'd like to see him get into a battle of wits with Angela Lansbury, Alex Trebek, Ben Stein, and Bob Hope. In a locked room. Which is soundproof. And water-tight. And is underwater. On the Sun. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I like airplanes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:29:36 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > I went to the eye doctor today for a checkup. During the "assistant eye > doctor" phase of the exam, the nice lady swung around a table that held a > piece of medical equipment. It was one of those things that you put you chin > in the little cup and your forehead against the bar. As I was about to place > my head in the appropriate position (_not_ IYKWIM, you wierdos), I noticed > out of the corner of my eye that the device was an ARK-2000. It's like ARK's Club 91 but it's 1909 better. > What in the world is this device? Is it approved by leader Kibo? Does it > have to be approved by leader Kibo????? I immediately tried to leap out of > the room. Unfortunately, the automatic wrist and ankle restraints had > activated and I was trapped. Oh no! David J. Crowe has wigged out after watching too many reruns of the original "Eerie, Indiana"! Now when he snaps and starts shooting, the media will forget all about how video games obviously made those two kids in Colorado into suicidal, psychopathic Hitler worshippers! And CNN will have nothing to talk about all day because nobody else remembers "Eerie, Indiana"! > The assistant eye doctor told me to relax and look at the picture in the > machine. I tried not to do it, but got a quick glimpse of the picture. IT > WAS A LITTLE AIRPLANE! I like airplanes. The little airplane made me feel > at ease. It looked like the little airplane was getting ready to take off to > fly around the pretty countryside. Did I mention that I like airplanes? > > After that, I got to go home. I'm very happy now. I like airplanes. I'm > going to have jello for lunch. What's my name again? YOUR NAME IS NOW BOB HOPE PLEASE PROCEED TO YOUR LOCAL K-MART TO DO A COMMERCIAL WHICH WE WILL KEEP AIRING LONG AFTER THE WHOLE CHAIN HAS BEEN RENAMED "BIG K-MART" YOU WILL ADVERTISE K-MART FOREVER YOU ARE NOW FORBIDDEN TO DIE HAVE A HAPPY-DOT-COM -- K. Ha! Betcha thought I had forgotten about "Have a happy-dot-com!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I like airplanes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 08:03:27 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I don't get it, but I'm going to pretend I do so I can make this followup. Inflatable Pinata (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh no! David J. Crowe has wigged out after watching too many reruns of > > the original "Eerie, Indiana"! Now when he snaps and starts shooting, > > the media will forget all about how video games obviously made those two > > kids in Colorado into suicidal, psychopathic Hitler worshippers! And CNN > > will have nothing to talk about all day because nobody else remembers > > "Eerie, Indiana"! > > > ### > ### > ### > ######### ######### > ######### ######### > ### > ### > ### Please stop trying to test my pregancy over the Internet. Also, even fewer people remember the NEW "Eerie, Indiana", with the two other kids who watched stock footage of the two original kids on their TV. It was a trick worthy of the late Irwin Allen. (I didn't cry when he died because I knew that someday he will reappear between the giant parentheses of The Time Tunnel, in the form of ghostly stock footage that goes "BOINGGG!") -- K. Irwin Allen only had two facial expressions, "BOINGGG!" and "SWINK!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I missed a cQQl episode... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:33:51 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stephen Will Tanner (swt@xmission.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > I found out, first of all, that the Japanese lyrics to "If you're happy > > and you know it clap your hands" are copyrighted. > > Time to time to HAPPY NOW! > Time to time to CLAP OUR HANDS! > Hey mister dandy! Hey mister joy! > Time to time to HAPPY NOW! > Time to time to CLAP OUR HANDS! > We are love song all night! > We're the no brand heroes! > Go go go! Rocket punch! In-de-struc-ti-boy! In a perfect world, the Mentos jingle would be in Japanese. Also it would be sung by that kid who looks like Andy Dick as a boy, who ends the commercial by shouting "MMM, BEEFY!" and eating the camera lens. And it would be produced by Gerry & Sylvia Krofft. -- K. And directed by Dr. Bronner. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Condom sense (was: Damn) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:40:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Culturally Sensitive Ed (rohmon@ksu.edu) wrote: > > > > Personally, (especially after trying aforementioned inferior brands) > > I've been rather impressed with "LifeStyles." I know the name sounds a > > bit cheesey but THESE PEOPLE MAKE A GOOD CONDOM. > > Would you recommend them enough that we should make them the official > condom of ARK? Sorry, the official condom of alt.religion.kibology is still the world's largest condom in Colombia with the mines running through it for no reason. -- K. //// RE-RUN-A-DEEDLE /// RE-RUN-A-DEE /// RE-RUN-A-DEEDLE /// RE-RUN-A-DEE //// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: [Lg01&02] Largest condom in the world on display in Colombia Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.heather-locklear Date: Tue, 29 Dec 1998 01:42:00 GMT I would just like to point out that in the only two ClariNet (AP newswire) newsgroups I am subscribed to, each one carried exactly one new article today, and these were the two and only two new articles: Subject: [Lg01&02] Largest condom in the world on display in Colombia Subject: Heather Locklear Likes To Stay Home DIAGRAM YOUR OWN JOKE. ALSO, GIVE ME BACK MY CONDOM!!! -- K. "[Lg01&02]" means there were two photos attached. Why would anyone need two photos of the same condom? Oh... my... god... one of the photos shows SCARY MIMES RUNNING THROUGH THE WORLD'S LARGEST CONDOM!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Damn Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:47:12 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > I remember wishing in high school that we had a few more of those > tough gym teachers that people kept whining about, Dear Matt, Please restrict your personal ads to soc.personals. Also, you forgot to include lots of abbreviations to make it harder for people to tell you're a pervert. Thank you in advance. > because the ones we had were affable clods who let severe beatings As opposed to the kind of beating you laugh about five minutes later. > and general "Lord of the Flies" behavior go on twenty feet away > from where they were standing. My crazy elementary school gym teacher who > made everyone perform in her gymnastics exhibitions would have been an > improvement. The *best* teachers I had tended to lay down the law with > terrifying conviction. Dear Matt, Please stop implicating that Archimedes Plutonium would be a good teacher just because he would put girls who chew gum into full-body straightjackets and force them to raise his clones. Thank you in advanced calculus. -- K. WHY IS IT WE'RE GETTING ALL SERIOUS JUST 'CAUSE LOTS OF TEENAGERS ARE SHOOTING EACH OTHER FOR NO REASON? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Damn Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:51:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > The sad thing is it is these cities which will be least damaged by > a nuclear attack. And their school system won't get any better as > a result. Dear Soviet Union, Please re-target your nuclear weapons on more cities to make out school system awesome. Also please don't have broken up several years ago because I liked Pink Floyd's "The Wall" and I cried when Gorbachev tore it down just because Reagan told him to. Your Pal, The United States And Teenagers. -- K. Maybe teenagers should have their own country. And the national anthem would be a video game! I don't mean music from a video game, I mean it would be a video game! And unlike America, you wouldn't be required to vote!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bargain Bins Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:55:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Pope Emperor FrogMaN" (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > Can someone please explain to me why, whenever there is a bargain bin, > there are *always* rolls of duct tape in them? Sure. Because it's an Intelligent Bin and they tried to throw out a roll of duct tape nobody wanted. > Is there an unwritten law that states that whenever someone decides > to have a bargain bin, they automatically have to throw a few rolls > of duct tape? There used to be, but the Supreme Court declared it unconstitutional, so they wrote it down so they could throw it out, but they threw it in the Intelligent Bin, so now the Constitution has 16,384 amendments that say you have to have duct tape in your store whether you LIKE IT OR NOT! -- K. For greater efficiency and maximum enjoyment, consumption is being standardized: Change "store" to "pants". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Commercial wackyparsing Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 06:59:18 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I just saw a Teddy Grahams commercial that whipped by a bunch of flavors > and I thought one of them was "salmon". > > Then again I guess it was cinnamon. I liked how on last night's all-new totally-new not-a-rerun classic "Simpsons", when Police Chief Wiggum was talking to the town's rats, he addressed three of them as "Lefty", "Rizzo", and... "Cinnamon". It was cute of them to name a rat after Barbara Bain. Or vice versa. Also, I've had salmon-flavored hard candy (courtesy Leah Verre -- and I really need to post updates to my food-oriented Web pages.) I'm giving the salmon- flavored candy a thumbs down because IT DIDN'T TASTE BAD! I COULDN'T TASTE THE SALMON! WHO WOULD GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO PUT SALMON CANDY IN THEIR MOUTH UNLESS THEY DIDN'T LIKE THE TASTE OF SUGAR? It tasted like plain old butterscotch, it really did. -- K. ...plain OLD butterscoth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quote of the day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 07:09:24 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This sentence just fell out of my television's speakers: "DO YOU HAVE THAT DISEASE TO PLEASE? NEXT OPRAH!" It's like THE THRILLA IN MANILA with MAGILLA GORILLA plus DIARRHEA IN KOREA plus OPRAH IN SOMETHING STUPID THAT RHYMES WITH OPRAH! (I hate it when people have names which are so weird that it's impossible to make fun of their names.) -- Durhey Q. Dipsticko ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 07:37:53 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Justin Baugh (baughj@rpi.edu) wrote: > > http://www.spaceviews.com/1999/04/25b.html > > The Japanese decide to rename their Space Station module to "KIBO". But... but... they were already going to name their fake Space Shuttle "Kibo-X"! WAAH! I'D RATHER BE A FAKE SPACE SHUTTLE THAN JUST A MODULE! I bet it turns out to be the bathroom module. > p.s. here's the nifty Kibo logo: > > http://www.spaceviews.com/1999/04/images/jemlogo.jpg It must have been damaged in transit, because it looks like a paper airplane about to burn up in the Japanese sun. > excerpt from article: > > 'The Japanese Experiment Module (JEM) has been renamed "Kibo", > a Japanese word for "hope", the space agency said. The name > was chose from over 20,000 nominated as part of a public competition. > > 'JEM is a precious laboratory for space research and experiments > which shares the common 'hope' for the future of humanity,' the agency > said in a press release announcing the new name." Dare I sue the Japanese Space Agency? Do you think they have any money? -- K. I note that further down the article says that their spaceplanes will be named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Now I'm MAD!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 04:08:21 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > 'The Japanese Experiment Module (JEM) has been renamed "Kibo", > > > a Japanese word for "hope", the space agency said. The name > > So, Mr. "Kibo". Now that we know your _real_ name, your little plot > would appear to be unmasked. It seems you just couldn't resist leaving > just one little clue, so you could watch and laugh as everyone > dismissed it as a simple coincidence no different from any of the > others that we encounter in daily life except for the particularly > long camera hold and the dramatic music and the little blinking sign > going DING DING DING DING THIS IS A CLUE BEEP BEEP BEEP YOU MORON. You > knew that making a newsgroup try to kill you is the only key to true > immortality. And your plan has been fiendishly successful. But I have > just one question: how did you do it? And would you mind speaking into > this flower arrangement? Hey! You're not the real Barbara Bain, Lynda Day George, or Peter Graves in drag! I refuse to talk into your hidden microphone until I see my lawyer or Allen Funt! WHO MUST BE WEARING CLOTHES!!! -- K. (I would sing the theme song from "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" now, but I forgot how it goes except for the chorus of "Do you say... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?") ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 04:02:24 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor J. Porter Clark (porter.clark@msfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > WAAH! I'D RATHER BE A FAKE SPACE SHUTTLE THAN JUST A MODULE! > > Sorry, all out. Yeah, I know, I can tell NASA already has more shuttles than they need because when the Enterprise landed in the water they just left it there and built that swimming pool around it. > > I bet it turns out to be the bathroom module. > > No. There is a toilet which is in the Waste Management and Hygiene > Compartment (heh), currently residing in the as-yet-unnamed Node 3. > (Wanna call it the Spot module? I'll see if I can pull a few more > strings. 8-) Sure. Then we could take Spot on a visit to the Spot Module and see if he's big enough to sit on the seat without getting sucked out. Gee, I hope not. > There was a time when this compartment was right next to the galley. > Ugh. This is a cue for Lee Cole to tell the story about the B-1 bomber's "pilot eject" and "toilet flush" switches being adjacent. > > Dare I sue the Japanese Space Agency? Do you think they have any money? > > Not any more. Fine, then I'll just have to find some other space agency from which to extort money. The Russians have lots, right? I mean, they're just sitting on all those space station modules down there, so obviously they're not so desperate for cash that they had to lauch 'em or anything. > > I note that further down the article says that their > > spaceplanes will be named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. > > Now I'm MAD!!! > > No, the Multi-Purpose Logistics Modules (MPLMs) are named after Ninja > Turtles, sort of. Well, okay, they skipped one of them. Whoops, sorry, I was thinking "multi-purpose logistics modules" aka "cargo modules" aka "crates" but for some reason I typed "spaceplanes". I guess I've got HOPE-X on the brain. Anyway, those wacky Italians can name their cargo modules whatever they want, because, after all, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles represent the high point of human culture, immediately followed by the Smurfs. And Yogi Bear. And there's already a rock on Mars named Yogi (presumably after John Winston's dog) so Yogi Bear can't get anything named after him because people would get confused (especially what with Yogi Berra deserving a Moon crater and all) so I don't blame them for going with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But I do want to emphasize that some space agency, any space agency, needs to name something "Voyager 6" just so that we can see if it really will go into a black hole and make William Shatner's hair get all puffy. > I'm still holding out for the Gamera module. You know, friend to all > the children, full of meat, etc. Yeah! And it would be a big step up in quality from those movies that NASA participates in the production of ("Capricorn One", "SpaceCamp", and "Rocket Man".) I would love to, someday, be in a roomful of NASA people forced to watch "Rocket Man". It would be like "Mystery Science Theater 3000" only they'd be a lot meaner than the robots ever were. I mean, in "Rocket Man", Harland Williams has to be aboard the space shuttle that's going to Mars because he wrote the computer software and only he can debug it while it's in flight and the chimp that NASA always takes along bogarts Harland's hyper-sleep pod so Harland spends the intervening months smearing space food (from space food tubes) on the ceiling in the form of Michaelangelo's Sistine mural. Not only is this a gross misrepresentation of NASA's planned Mars missions (NASA's chimps would be better-trained and would NOT take Harland Williams's cryo-sleep pod, they'd just bite him constantly, because chimps are smart enough to know that Harland Williams SHOULD be bitten by monkeys for the rest of his life) but it also explains why the Italians didn't name a cargo module "Michaelangelo", because "Rocket Man" ruined fine art forever. Is it my imagination, or does NASA never read the script before they let people film at their facilities? I mean, "Capricorn One" was a movie about NASA trying to _murder_ its own astronauts. I fully expect to see NASA underwriting the cost of other movies about Why We Should Abolish NASA Forever, under the assumption that whoever makes these decisions is as self-destructive as Sam Neill, the actor who played Satan in three of the four movies I've seen him in. Also they "borrowed" the title of a kids' movie written by _Lenny Bruce_ for "Rocket Man", which ensures that Disney will keep Lenny Bruce's film locked in a vault which is on fire and I'll never get to see it, which saddens me, because I like Lenny Bruce more than I like Harland Williams. Then again, I like durians better than I like Harland Williams. Anyway, J. Porter Clark, I owe you many thanks (about 135, in fact) for helping convince other NASA staffers to vote in that Japanese Web poll. (It's too bad NASA only has 135 employees. Not counting all those trained space chimps.) If you can pull a few more strings to get a "Spot" somewhere on the International Space Station, I promise to make myself available for the ribbon-cutting ceremony if you can't get Tom Hanks to pose with the giant space scissors. -- K. Also, I think it would be cool if NASA switched back from the "meatball" to the "worm" just to make it more confusing, and so that fewer people would notice next time they showed the wrong one in a movie like "Apollo 13". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Xenical Approved for US Use Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 07:47:59 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Darla (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > From the fun folks at Hoffman-LaRoche, here are the side effects of > the latest weapon in the War on Obesity: > > "Gastrointestinal symptoms are the most commonly observed side > effects associated with the use of Xenical and are primarily a > manifestation of its mechanism of action. These effects are generally > mild and transient and may include oily spotting, flatulence with > discharge, fecal urgency, fatty or oily stool, oily evacuation, > increased defecation and fecal incontinence. Maintaining the > recommended dietary regimen -- containing up to 30 percent of > calories from fat -- may minimize the occurrence of these events." I like how they managed to dig up about ten phrases synonymous with "massive diarrhea" except GROSS. Apparently Olestra-brand "anal leakage" is no longer on THE CUTTING EDGE OF RUNNY STOOLS! > > Events? EVENTS?!? A 49er game is an "event." A Huey Lewis concert > is an "event." Blowing tracks into your underwear during a date is > NOT an "event." It is a DISASTER. It didn't say WHEN it causes it. It might not be during dates. DON'T BE SUCH A CHICK! > Ohgod. > > Darla > --- horrified. Spring resolution: stay fat. I agree. You should get OFF that "50% Olestra, 50% Xenical" diet that Richard Simmons keeps promoting. If that's not bad enough, at the local doll store (I DIDN'T GO IN, I JUST HAD TO STAND IN FRONT OF IT WHILE WAITING FOR THE BUS) the display case in the front window had a series of little statues of ELDERLY FAT PEOPLE DOING AEROBICS... SCULPTED BY RICHARD SIMMONS. So don't excercise, especially if you're old or fat, because you'll look like one of those dopey and overpriced porcelain paperweights. DARLA, PLEASE STAY FAT! BECAUSE THAT WAY THERE'S MORE OF YOU TO WUV AND LESS CHANCE RICHARD SIMMONS WILL SELL YOU A DEAL-A-MEAL SYSTEM TO INCREASE THE GIRTH OF HIS WALLET! Also, Darla, I apologize for calling you fat just 'cause you said you were. -- K. I wish *I* were fat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Xenical Approved for US Use Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 09:30:30 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I like how they managed to dig up about ten phrases synonymous with > > "massive diarrhea" except GROSS. Apparently Olestra-brand "anal leakage" > > is no longer on THE CUTTING EDGE OF RUNNY STOOLS! > > Procter&Gamble copyrighted that one, but "fecal urgency" is still > in the public domain. As anyone who rides the subway would know, because the subway is also part of the public domain. Ewwwwww. Also, there's a Chinese grocery store that I'm never going back to because it smells like a mixture of fecal urgency, fecal emergency, and fecal insurgency. Also the back end of it is all glass and there's a Chinese restaurant behind the glass (you can't get to it without going outside and around the block) so that while you're shopping in the smelly market, all these people are staring at you through the glass and giggling at the guy in the glassed-in stinky place. It's sort of like being in an aquarium where the water is both gaseous and gassy. > > If that's not bad enough, at the local doll store (I DIDN'T GO IN, I JUST > > HAD TO STAND IN FRONT OF IT WHILE WAITING FOR THE BUS) the display case > > in the front window had a series of little statues of ELDERLY FAT PEOPLE > > DOING AEROBICS... SCULPTED BY RICHARD SIMMONS. > > I think Richard Simmons should be sculpted by elderly fat people with > Parkinson's. Using shrimp forks. I just want to know why a local junk store has a big poster in the window suggesting I get mom a Tae Bo videotape for Mother's Day, and yet nobody ever tells you to buy lots of Ki Bo tapes for Kibo Day. Which, incidentally, is whatever day you are reading this. And 320 days around it. -- K. It's the holiday so long and tiring that you get a paid vacation FROM your paid vacation! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Announcing new SciQuest.com Marketplace Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 07:57:57 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.materials, Joe Bumgarner, Jr. (askjoe@sciquest.com) advertised: > > Announcing the new SciQuest,com, Marketplace http://sciquest.com. AUGH! SOMEONE PLEASE TELL LEE BUMGARNER TO STOP MISSPELLING THE NAME OF THE GREATEST SCI-FI SHOW EVER TO FEATURE A TELEPATHIC DOLPHIN!!! > Over 100,000 products from more than 100 suppliers can now be purchased > with one search, one order, one payment, and one customer care contact. > Register now and receive a free SciQuest.com coffee mug. With your choice of textures: leatherette Roy Scheider or squeaky dolphin. > Regards, > > ____________________________________________________________________ > > Joe Bumgarner, Jr. http://sciquest.com > Site Director AskJoe@SciQuest.com > Phone: 919-732-5813 Toll Free: 888-NETREACH > Fax: 919-281-2199 > "SciQuest.com - The Internet Source for Scientific Products" > ____________________________________________________________________ You can't fool me, Lee Bumgarner! Steve Spielberg was the director of every episode of "seaQuest", not you! -- K. Life would become boring if NBC ever cancelled "seaQuest" for a fourth time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Results Of Mustard Article. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 08:05:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Results Of Mustard Article. April 23, 1999. > > So far people have helped me research the story about using the > plant mustard to neutralize radioactivity by giving me the proper > spelling of the word Chernobyl. I've also been told that there have > been some experiments to try to use plants in the neutalizing of > radioactivity. I also was inform that John Boy used to be on the > TV show called "The Waltons" rather than the TV show "Little House > On The Prairie". Thanks for you help. Dear John, Don't ever change. You just go on spelling your mustard however you want. It's a free country. I gotta go put a quarter in the meter. -- K. And pay my cable TV bill. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: eXistenZ Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 08:12:26 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Darla (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > > > Nota Bene Nick Bensema: This is not a good date movie. > > I guess it all depends on the date. Although it's probably bad form > to take a date to a movie with a name that sounds like an Amiga > warez group. Other movies Nick should not take his dates to: SUPER-ELEET WAREZ DOODZ 2000 SUPPER-3L33T WAR3Z D00DZ 20Oo0 MR; BIFF G0EZ 2 WASHiNG-10 HACKERS HARDWARE WARS MY LITTLE PONY: THE VIRTUAL REALITY MOVIE ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM'S "SCREEN" & "BE-HIV" KEVIN COSTNER'S "THE POSTMAN" <-- really, she'd NEVER give you sex then -- K. Then Cowboy X gets all agitated and the townspeople yell "X IS TENSE! X IS TENSE!" because they're not very smart. Yippee! X! X! X! THANK YOU MASK MAN! NO WHAMMIES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Last Wishes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 08:21:11 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > From an article in the Sunday Oregonian about the high school slayings in > Colorado: > > "The choreographed funeral, complete with a montage of family pictures > from Scott's earlier childhood and happy times, featured a continuous tape > loop of Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On," the 'Titanic' theme song. A > female mime and a youth group also performed." > > Celine Dion loop tape? Female mime? Look, if I ever get shot and my > funeral is like this one, will somebody please shoot me again? Advance in > thanks. I just like how, suddenly, everyone has realized that the only time bagpipe music is appropriate is that all public funerals must have Scotsmen playing "Amazing Grace", because (a) that's the only song anyone ever plays on bagpipes, and (b) bagpipe music is perfect for funerals because nobody has EVER liked the kind of music they play at funerals. How did the tradition of playing organ music at quarter speed for funerals start? Was there a brown-out-style voltage sag at the factory where they were recording roller rink tapes? Did some influential rich person in 1934 have a will that said, "I leave ten billion dollars to The Government, but only if they play the boring music I love at my funeral and all subsequent funerals"? Is there nobody who feels that rap music is appropriate? Especially Vanilla Ice. I mean, think about the bagpipes. Vanilla Ice is far more annoying. And same with his music. But hiring him would be a lot chaper than getting a Scots piper. -- K. Remember, the deeper the seriousness of the tragedy, the more our pop culture has to piss on it. (I can't wait to see the companion to the shareware TWA Flight 800 Macintosh Icon Collection that guy must be working on right now...) And I'm not pissing on the tragedy, I'm pissing on the people who are pissing on it. I'm only pissing to raise the level of discourse! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: How I Know I'm All Grown Up Now, And Why I'm Sad. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 27 Apr 1999 08:25:22 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A few days ago I saw a three-pack of Twinkies (NOW INCLUDES ONE FREE!) in a convenience store where I was making an emergency snack purchase at 3am. Not only did it have ONE FREE! but it appeared to be the last known package of what I considered the original flavor, that is, the second flavor, after they dropped the banana-slime filling (eww) during World War II and replaced it with the unflavored white grease we all loved in our childhood. Well, they dropped the banana filling back then but they recently scraped it off the floor, and I hate artificial banana, and I remembered loving Twinkies with the plain white slime, so I bought this last remaining three-pack of Original Tasteless Twinkies. When I got home I was barely able to force myself to finish the first one. They taste exactly like I remember, except now THIS IS BAD!!! I threw out the other two. So now I'm upset that I'm too old to enjoy eating things that taste bad. -- K. Maybe durian filling would be an improvement. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Swords into Plowshares (ATTENTION, LLEAH VVERRE AND NNICK BBENSEMA) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 09:44:55 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > E Teflon Piano (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > > > Can you find all the hiding places? Don't forget the box of > > corn flakes hidden in the cellar! > > Hey, Lleah! E said "cornflakes" in a family newsgrope! Now if he did it in a snowstorm, that would prove that he's insane, and that his dad has an asterisk tattooed on his butt in crayon. > HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! One 'ha' would be sufficient, Mr. LaForge. Now, if you will excuse me, I gotta go make Riker evolve backwards into a caveman again so that Mr. Data can point to him and say "Captain, I do not believe he can understand you, his brain is approximately 50% smaller." and then Dr. Crusher pushes the magic button that makes the rest of his brain grow back and we all share a good, but short, laugh. HA, THE END!!! AND NEXT WEEK ON "STAR TREK: VOYAGER", WILL THE CREW MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE TWICE? WATCH THIS CLASSIC EPISODE WHERE EVERYONE GETS LOST IN THE ONE CHEAP LITTLE CORRIDOR SET! IT'S THE OPENER OF "VOYAGER'S" NINTH SEASON SINCE IT PREMIERED THREE YEARS AGO! WATCH "STAR TREK: VOYAGER" BECAUSE, HEY, LOOK AT THAT OTHER CRAP ON UPN! YOU DON'T WANNA WATCH ANY OF THAT, DO YOU? WATCH "STAR TREK: VOYAGER"! FAILURE TO LIKE "STAR TREK" IS PUNISHABLE BY LAW AND ALSO PUNISHABLE BY A BIG GUY HOLDING A STRING FILE! -- K. I like the episode where Picard got trapped in the elevator and had to sing "Frere Jacques" 500 times to keep it from falling because the artificial gravity failed when the ship collided with a cosmic string file. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Swords into Plowshares (ATTENTION, LLEAH VVERRE AND NNICK BBENSEMA) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 02:21:50 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (You can tell these attributions apart by looking at the ten slightly- different shapes of ">"s in this article.) M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > One 'ha' would be sufficient, Mr. LaForge. Now, if you will excuse me, Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > This is another thing that uniquely identifies a Kibo post. Wouldn't it be easier just to look at the headers, Crewman Bensema? > Watch as he uses this simple line to hijack the entire thread into a > completely unrelated post making fun of Star Trek. I have done no such thing. Now go stand in the corner on the Transporter pad while I push random buttons to see what happens. > If this were me, I would be a sentence. The End. > I would feel obligated to draw out the transition a little while, > starting with Otis' HA HA HA and make some crack about laugh tracks, > and use how unfunny Suddenly Susan is to segue into a five or six > paragraph rant about his I'd like to spell out the U.S. Constitution > on Kathy Griffin's clitoris. You misspelled "U.S.S. Constitution". PLEASE RESIGN FROM THE OFFICIAL STAR TREK FAN CLUB IMMEDIATELY. We expect your resignation on our desk in shimmery holographic form that makes buzzing noises when you touch it, and emits fifty billion volts of un-circuit-breaker-protected electricity from all surfaces whenever the ship tilts back and forth because it's going too fast. > Kibo, on the other hand, has no qualms that he uses everyone else's > threads to exhibit the surplus material that just wasn't side-splitting > enough to make it into an original post. Sort of like how the writers > for NBC work on five or six different shows, they save all their really > good crowd-pleasing jokes for Friends, they put all their subtler stuff > into Friends, they put all their immature predictable stuff into Just > Shoot Me and dump the rest of the crap into Suddenly Susan. I'd like to dump the U.S.S. Constitution onto Suddenly Susan. Except it might fall into one of Judd Nelson's nostrils and vanish forever. M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > If this were me, I would feel obligated to draw out the transition a > > little while, > > That's because you're not a big COMEDY BULLY like Kibo, who spends all his > free time at the beach kicking sand in Joe Piscopo's face and laughing. Also I like to go to Jeff Marder performances and heckle him by shouting out segues between his jokes. > But don't let it bother you, *little man* -- All you have to do is join > Goldbergsteinbrenner's Gym and work out for a few months, and you too will > be a bull-necked welterweight wit with a punchline that'll knock 'em dead > every time! Start slow, though. . . you don't want to strain the tendons > attached to your humerus. Use the Take My Wife, Please machine for fifteen > minutes every other day until you can deliver the punchline without wincing > and grunting, and don't slack on the comedy aerobics. Then you can move up > to free weights and clown pants. In not time at all, Nick will be up to carrying around a sixty-pound load in his clown pants. > > [...] they put all their subtler stuff into Friends, they put all their > > immature predictable stuff into Just Shoot Me and dump the rest of > > the crap into Suddenly Susan. > > And anything that's too stoopid to use on Suddenly Susan becomes the ten > o'clock news. That's why they say no news is good news! That's right, the stuff they show at ten o'clock sure ain't news. Just look at what the lead story is tonight: The Associated Press wrote: > > Subject: Hasselhoff Has Ideas for 'Baywatch' There are ideas on Baywatch? > David Hasselhoff said he already has five episodes in mind as > the syndicated adventure show moves production from California to > the Aloha State. David Hasselhoff has a mind? And it's big enough to hold five episodes of Baywatch? > Hawaii offered the show a $3 million incentive package plus free > airfare, hotel and car rentals. The private sector also chipped in > to outbid Australia. I'm just glad he came up with those five ideas somewhere in his head so that we all know he has a legitamite reason for going to Hawaii and it isn't just because they're giving him millions of dollars, a free hotel suite, free gourmet food, free first-class air travel, and all the cars he can drive. I BET THAT GUY WHO JUST PAID $100,000,000 TO GO ON THE MIR SPACE STATION IS FEELING PRETTY STUPID NOW THAT HE FOUND OUT HE WON'T GET FREE CAR RENTALS WHILE HE'S THERE! DAVID HASSELHOFF MUST BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE HAIRDRESSER! -- K. I think they should move "Baywatch" to outer space like they did with "Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers". After all, Baywatch might seem like it made sense if the show took place ON THE PLANET OF NO LOGIC!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ways To Tell You're Watching Soft Porn Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 28 Apr 1999 09:48:54 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING IS A SOFT PORN SKIN FLICK Um, Lots, hate to ruin your erudite comedy concept, but if you can't tell whether or not it's porn, you're too young to be allowed to go channel-surfing because someday you might actually find some porn. I figure that if "you can't tell if this is porn" porn becomes popular, TV Guide will have to make up a category for it, like "Comedy Hyphen Drama" for "we're not sure if this was intended to be funny or not, but it sure ain't." -- K. Please don't tell me you think "Leo & Loree" is a softcore porn film. It would make me barf and I just ate macaroni salad. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ways To Tell You're Watching Soft Porn Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 29 Apr 1999 02:26:16 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF WHAT YOU'RE WATCHING IS A SOFT PORN SKIN FLICK > > > > > > Um, Lots, hate to ruin your erudite comedy concept, but if you can't tell > > > whether or not it's porn, you're too young to be allowed to go channel- > > > surfing because someday you might actually find some porn. > > > > Grumble, grumble, grumble. > > Ya gotta have the clothes on before you can take them off and jump into bed. Yes, which is why it's impossible to have sex in a nudist camp. > > My list is a way to tell if the people standing around with clothes on are > > going to rip 'em off and hop into the sack. > > Ha! > > Toolatetoolatetoolate! Toooooooooo late! > > You are now stuck with it! > > Just as David Pacheco is stuck with the "not funny anymore" meme, you are > hereby stuck with "doesn't know porn when he sees it" meme. > > Hahahahahahahahahaha <== me laughing at you > > > Your pal, > > --Terri Terri, you're MEAN. I wasn't saying that Lots doesn't know porn when he sees it. I was merely saying HE'S NEVER SEEN ANYTHING EVEN REMOTELY PORNOGRAPHIC. And if that's a crime, well, I don't care because I'd be a million miles from being guilty. So, Terri, please stop making fun of Lots just because he hasn't yet figured out how to operate his pornograph. -- K. Thomas Edison invented that joke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Can 100 Million Chinese Be Wrong? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 04:14:38 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > If you hate the Chinese and are too smart to learn something from > a tabloid magazine then you might had better not read the following > information. Hmm. And I always assumed that because I never managed to learn anything from the _Enquirer_, I must be stupid. Now you're saying that I'm smart because I can't learn anything from the _Enquirer_. NOW I'M ALL MIXED UP! Also, I don't know why anyone would hate Chinese people. After all, their country gave us spaghetti, weird kinds of checkers, and fire drills. -- K. Also, if anyone other than the Chinese had invented Yu Hsiang Eggplant, it would have be really bad. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.misc,sci.chem,rec.bicycles.marketplace,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TREK 7600 Re: Concordia, Canada FLEA MARKET, for sale books, VCRs, CDs, more Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 05:32:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Josh Hesse (00093182@bigred.unl.edu) wrote: > > "Concordia" (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > [...Archie's list of garage sale items, which he's been posting > > repeatedly under other people's names...] > > > > Descente USA Olympic ski suit of early 1990s, black with red liner, > > has USA logo on back. Bought it from a Vermont Olympic candidate. > > Have altered it to my taste. > > Uh... Um... How? > > Wait, forget it, I don't want to know. > > -Josh "Sorry I even asked." I think Archie's writings from February 1998 contain vital clues as to where the hole in Archie's rubberized spandex suit is, and the smash hit pop-culture meme that emerged from it: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ re-run /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New patent: Human and pet STRAIGHTJACKET: empty our prisons Newsgroups: alt.torture, alt.sex.bondage, alt.religion.kibology, alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 05:06:52 GMT In sci.engr and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Yesterday, Sunday, Dartmouth experienced something strange with its > Network that discouraged me from posting to Usenet. The lines were down > or something but I could not see my posts anywhere. Mental note: Cut Dartmouth phone lines again. > Today is a national holiday of presidents day. And today while in bed > in my sleeping bag I thought of this new invention. The straight-jacket > has not been improved upon much. But if it were it could offer a > solution to the prison systems of the world via letting the prisoner > back into the general public. Prisoners in the USA cost on average > $100,000 a year to maintain. So this is a huge problem. My solution is to make them all college students, as it only costs about $20,000 a year at good colleges and $1000 a year at community colleges. This could also empty out our mental institutions as we could hire the insane and have them wash dishes or something. But only the prisoners would be forced to eat food that had been touched by the crazy people. > I propose to construct a tough plastic shell, some tough plastic all > weather shell, that allows the occupant enough freedom to be functional > but not enough to allow full freedom that citizens get. It allows them to dance, play basketball, and have a full, active social life, but prohibits choice of religion! > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free unless you > cut off the feet, then this straight-jacket will hold the individual. Ah, but there's a flaw in your reasoning: Prisoners would just cut off their feet. And it costs over $100,000 just to re-attach ONE foot! > And if the prisoner does not have own family to take care of him/her > drop them off on an island, tropical island and go make a living. > > A similar device would be very good for pet retainers, given more > degrees of freedom. And possibly when modified, even a babysitter > playpen for a toddler. > > New Straight-Jacket, I reserve the 1 full year from today 16 February > 1998 to patent the NEW STRAIGHTJACKET WITH VARIABLE DEGREES OF FREEDOM. Archie, I believe someone's already patented (a) the body cast, (b) the erotic mummification process, and (c) the spanking machine. Just remember, any true scientist always test his invention on himself first. -- K. followups to alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New patent: Human and pet STRAIGHTJACKET: empty our prisons Newsgroups: alt.torture, alt.sex.bondage, alt.religion.kibology, alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 07:01:23 GMT In sci.engr and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I propose to construct a tough plastic shell, some tough plastic all > weather shell, that allows the occupant enough freedom to be functional > but not enough to allow full freedom that citizens get. > [...] > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free [...] Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > You can't have this patent b/c I already invented the pet form of this > without the poop-hole for my hamster, whom I despise. I tried to diagram that sentence, but couldn't because you didn't leave a diagram-hole. Now shut yer Usenet hole! > -Teg > > I'm beginning to forget what his natural color is! Why, did Walter Winchell accuse him and his husband Desi of being Communists? (OBSCURE FIFTIES TOPICAL HUMOR, QUE SE DICE "HENNA RINSE") -- K. All the tell-tale signs are there: one of his kids married the evil Kibok from "Star Trek 5" and the other one kept his mouth open throughout every episode of "Autohamster". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) Subject: Jackie Chan Kibology Movie Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1998 15:33:28 GMT OK, so Best Beloved rents "Operation Condor" last night. So why didn't anyone tell me Jackie Chan was a practicing Kibologist? I began to suspect the movie was about Kibology during the pre-title sequence. Our Hero is caught stealing giant, radioactive green Pez by a bunch of people who weren't wearing any pants. Then he makes his escape in Archimedes Plutonium's globular strait jacket! Complete with poop hole! I kid you not! So, I girded my loins (IFYKWIM) and prepared to treat the movie as an opportunity for religous enlightenment, but I'm afraid much of it went over my head. I recognized that the man who sends Our Hero on his quest represented Kibo, because he had a beard, and really seemed to care (though not very much). And I think the hotel proprietor was supposed to be Joe Bay, and the two wacky Arab guys were Jaffo and Rone, but where was Spot? I suppose I could watch the movie again and try to figure it out, but I'd much rather have one of you do my homework for me. THADVANCENKS --Terri -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I should have trademarked it. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998 05:50:03 GMT Stephen Will Tanner (dumple@execpc.com) wrote: > > Thomas R Scudder (tomscud@umich.edu) > > > > I notice that not only did they not credit you for the name, they also > > didn't credit Herr Pu for his design work on the "full-body > > SJTARCAKIEGTH T". Mit poop-hole. I would just like to say that when that paragraph can be understood by your average man-in-the-street we will know my exegesis is complete. > You misspelled "SMTIRCAHIAGEHLT". And MIT is not the poop-hole that > it may appear at first, second, and thirty-fourth glance. You mispronounced "purple", "dirty", and "phenomenon". > Which is more hypocritical? > (A) A vegetarian eating a "Meatless Burger" > (B) A pacifist playing Doom > (C) Monks reading pornography > (D) A vegetarian making a custom Doom level with monk pornography (E) Titling it "Chex Quest" and bundling it with a free AOL disk in cereal boxes and then handing one to a monk who says, "DAMMIT!" which breaks his vow of silence so he gets another fifty years tacked on. > Today I read a biography of Judy Garland and decided maybe I was gay, > but then looked at some Japanese girls in swimsuits and decided I > probably wasn't. Were the swimsuits leather, and were the girls plastic? If so, stop reading SMH, SMHICAELTRAIGHT. Were the girls' panties being worn on the head of a cartoon cat? If so, stop playing Panty Cat. > I think I should start writing sequiturs before I alienate everyone. And now, "ALIEN V: THE NON-SEQUITUR!" Charles Dutton: They call me 86 'cause I like "Get Smart". Sigourney Weaver: Yes, but this is a spatula! Charles Dutton: That means you must be a ripe cucumber! Sigourney Weaver: Pickle me! It's our only chance! Bishop II: Wait, listen to this -- (Orchestral music plays, interrupted by the sound of pages being turned at high volume.) Barbara Bain: Watch out for those killer soap suds! THE END! Bishop II: Wait, you can't say "THE END!", you're not in is movie! Barbara Bain: Yes, I am, you're not! THE END! OF "THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" -- K. Directed by Captain Kirk, not William Shatner! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) Subject: Re: strength of a tube after holes drilled into Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: 11 Aug 1998 18:54:37 -0700 Archimedes Plutonium wrote: > > This is a bit of science research I need for theoretical science more > than practicality. I'm glad you're not lowering yourself to mere engineering these days. > The question sprung from my bicycle. It has water bottle cages with 2 > holes drilled into the frame. One hole sprung a leak. The other sprung stupid questions! > My opinion of water bottle cages on bicycle frames is that it was a > fad that should never have started. To compromise the strength of the > bicycle just for some pitiful faddish water bottle cage. Water is best > carried in the back. In a large hump. Please research how difficult it would be to clone human camel humps onto bald neuter people so I can patent it. > But fads on bicycles is not my issue here. My issue is to know about > the strength of a tube that is without holes compared to one with > holes. I need to know this also for the carbon fiber human skeleton. The strength is greatly decreased. For your carbon fiber rigid straightjacket, you can't have the "excreta hole", which is really a bad thing. Eww. For the carbon fiber skull, you need a hole in that like you need a hole in your head. However, using a wiffle ball as a skull should work well while not allowing any vital organs to be exposed to, say, beverages. Regards, Joe Bay -- Quis investigator privatus negrus est, qui secusmachina omnibus pullibus est? Hastile! Quis immittet se in periculum, ut suum filius excipere? Hastile! Dixunt Hastilem maaalus mater -- Conticesce! Eloquor modo Hastilis. Potis defodere est. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.toys.action-figures,rec.arts.sf.starwars.collecting From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Some new toy photos are now on my Web site Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 08:01:57 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology [BLATANT SELF-PROMOTION] If you drop in on my Web site right now, you'll have to opportunity to see me taking advantage of the impending release of the new "Star Wars" toys (tonight at midnight, the line forms in the expensive part of "Toys R Us") to talk about "Star Wars" toys on my site. You can also find out which prominent religious cult makes celebrities dip their heads in silver paint, and learn the secret identity of Apollo 12 astronaut Alan Bean. Also featured is an extreme close-up of Tiny Bob Hope! See 'em all in the photo gallery section of my annoying Web site: http://www.kibo.com/photos -- K. Sometime soon the site's going to get that major enema I keep promising to give it, but for now enjoy all the pretty pictures. Even the ones of Tiny Bob Hope. At 1/6 size, he's only 15.5 scale years old.