Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 04:02:24 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor J. Porter Clark (porter.clark@msfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > WAAH! I'D RATHER BE A FAKE SPACE SHUTTLE THAN JUST A MODULE! > > Sorry, all out. Yeah, I know, I can tell NASA already has more shuttles than they need because when the Enterprise landed in the water they just left it there and built that swimming pool around it. > > I bet it turns out to be the bathroom module. > > No. There is a toilet which is in the Waste Management and Hygiene > Compartment (heh), currently residing in the as-yet-unnamed Node 3. > (Wanna call it the Spot module? I'll see if I can pull a few more > strings. 8-) Sure. Then we could take Spot on a visit to the Spot Module and see if he's big enough to sit on the seat without getting sucked out. Gee, I hope not. > There was a time when this compartment was right next to the galley. > Ugh. This is a cue for Lee Cole to tell the story about the B-1 bomber's "pilot eject" and "toilet flush" switches being adjacent. > > Dare I sue the Japanese Space Agency? Do you think they have any money? > > Not any more. Fine, then I'll just have to find some other space agency from which to extort money. The Russians have lots, right? I mean, they're just sitting on all those space station modules down there, so obviously they're not so desperate for cash that they had to lauch 'em or anything. > > I note that further down the article says that their > > spaceplanes will be named after the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. > > Now I'm MAD!!! > > No, the Multi-Purpose Logistics Modules (MPLMs) are named after Ninja > Turtles, sort of. Well, okay, they skipped one of them. Whoops, sorry, I was thinking "multi-purpose logistics modules" aka "cargo modules" aka "crates" but for some reason I typed "spaceplanes". I guess I've got HOPE-X on the brain. Anyway, those wacky Italians can name their cargo modules whatever they want, because, after all, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles represent the high point of human culture, immediately followed by the Smurfs. And Yogi Bear. And there's already a rock on Mars named Yogi (presumably after John Winston's dog) so Yogi Bear can't get anything named after him because people would get confused (especially what with Yogi Berra deserving a Moon crater and all) so I don't blame them for going with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But I do want to emphasize that some space agency, any space agency, needs to name something "Voyager 6" just so that we can see if it really will go into a black hole and make William Shatner's hair get all puffy. > I'm still holding out for the Gamera module. You know, friend to all > the children, full of meat, etc. Yeah! And it would be a big step up in quality from those movies that NASA participates in the production of ("Capricorn One", "SpaceCamp", and "Rocket Man".) I would love to, someday, be in a roomful of NASA people forced to watch "Rocket Man". It would be like "Mystery Science Theater 3000" only they'd be a lot meaner than the robots ever were. I mean, in "Rocket Man", Harland Williams has to be aboard the space shuttle that's going to Mars because he wrote the computer software and only he can debug it while it's in flight and the chimp that NASA always takes along bogarts Harland's hyper-sleep pod so Harland spends the intervening months smearing space food (from space food tubes) on the ceiling in the form of Michaelangelo's Sistine mural. Not only is this a gross misrepresentation of NASA's planned Mars missions (NASA's chimps would be better-trained and would NOT take Harland Williams's cryo-sleep pod, they'd just bite him constantly, because chimps are smart enough to know that Harland Williams SHOULD be bitten by monkeys for the rest of his life) but it also explains why the Italians didn't name a cargo module "Michaelangelo", because "Rocket Man" ruined fine art forever. Is it my imagination, or does NASA never read the script before they let people film at their facilities? I mean, "Capricorn One" was a movie about NASA trying to _murder_ its own astronauts. I fully expect to see NASA underwriting the cost of other movies about Why We Should Abolish NASA Forever, under the assumption that whoever makes these decisions is as self-destructive as Sam Neill, the actor who played Satan in three of the four movies I've seen him in. Also they "borrowed" the title of a kids' movie written by _Lenny Bruce_ for "Rocket Man", which ensures that Disney will keep Lenny Bruce's film locked in a vault which is on fire and I'll never get to see it, which saddens me, because I like Lenny Bruce more than I like Harland Williams. Then again, I like durians better than I like Harland Williams. Anyway, J. Porter Clark, I owe you many thanks (about 135, in fact) for helping convince other NASA staffers to vote in that Japanese Web poll. (It's too bad NASA only has 135 employees. Not counting all those trained space chimps.) If you can pull a few more strings to get a "Spot" somewhere on the International Space Station, I promise to make myself available for the ribbon-cutting ceremony if you can't get Tom Hanks to pose with the giant space scissors. -- K. Also, I think it would be cool if NASA switched back from the "meatball" to the "worm" just to make it more confusing, and so that fewer people would notice next time they showed the wrong one in a movie like "Apollo 13". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 05:28:43 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > J. Porter Clark (porter.clark@msfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > > > I was supposed to go over there a few weeks ago, and one of the things > > I was supposed to do was to make some measurements inside the Russian > > Service Module. But the trip was postponed, and the SM has left for > > Baikonur. I hope they don't send me to Baikonur! > > Maybe they'll postpone your trip until the day of the launch, and you'll > go inside and get hungry, and push "launch" instead of "lunch" and get > trapped in outer space with Chuck McCann. You know, once Sid & Marty Krofft finish making "Land Of The Lost: The Movie" (a real project, or so they imagine) and Gerry and not Sylvia Anderson finishes making "Space: 1999: 2000" (a real project, or so he thinks he imagines) I think they should team up to produce an endless series of sequels to "Far Out Space Nuts." MARTIN LANDAU: Helena, push the launch button. BARBARA BAIN: Okay. (She pushes the "paunch" button and Martin Landau's stomach swells up.) MARTIN LANDAU: I said launch, not paunch! BARBARA BAIN: Oh. BARRY MORSE: Look, a meteorite is falling upwards from that stalactite on the side of the Moon that never gets any sunlight! We're all going to die! BARBARA BAIN: I see. ...then in the next movie... MARTIN LANDAU: Helena, push the launch button. BARBARA BAIN: Done. (She pushes the "lynch" button and a noose drops from the ceiling around Martin Landau's neck.) MARTIN LANDAU: I said lunch, not--GACKKKK!!!! BARBARA BAIN: Yes. CATHERINE SCHELL: Look, a space asteroid is following our orbit from the outermost galaxy in this solar system! We're all going to die! BARBARA BAIN: Hmm. > > In case anybody--such as a NASA manager who doesn't know what a smiley > > is-- SPACENEWS SPACE HEADLINES FOR SPACE MONDAY, SPACE MARCH 3, SPACE 1999 NASA TO LAUNCH PROBE TO DISCOVER SMILEYS Hey, waitaminnit. I already did that in April 1998: http://www.kibo.com/marsrock/ ...just don't show any NASA managers the line about Stephen Hawking. I mean, he'd never do anything as tasteless as making fun of himself. > > thinks that I had anything to do with it, I was just as surprised > > as anyone when I saw the announcement and actually spent a little while > > making sure it wasn't a hoax. In fact, I am certain that if I had > > suggested the name, the top brass would do everything in its power > > *not* to name it that. (After they tried to figure out what it was an > >acronym for.) > > I apologize for causing all this by sympathetic magic. I think I was the > one who noticed that some (cancelled?) Japanese spaceplane project was > named HOPE-X (I think it was some sort of English acronym) and, realizing > that "kibo" meant "hope" in Japanese, started making jokes about KIBO-X. > They *had* to go and do it for real. Once again, the esteemed Dr. McIrvin tries to take credit for my discovery, just as he did for my "TIME HAS INERTIA" formula ("TIME = INERTIA"). I do believe I was the one who informed Matt that NASDA was designing a "HOPE-X", and a look at his mail archives will reveal me sending him the URL. As he already owes everyone on the Internet $1000, I shall now sue him and demand that all those thousands of dollars be given directly to me instead of to you, to punish him. From my outgoing mail for October 1997: -> From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) -> To: mmcirvin -> Subject: Kibo-X -> Date: Sun, 12 Oct 1997 03:51:20 -0500 -> -> the name is official HOPE-X for the Japanese spaceplane. It's an -> acronym in English. -> -> frodm NASDA's laundch schedulde: -> 2000: HOPE-X (H-II Orbiting Plane -X) -> -> I just posted links with pictures of it, etc., to a.r.k and dk.chat. You will note that this message has been archived for so long that the bits have started to degrade, which introduced spelling errors that obviously weren't there before, as I must obviously spell-check my E-mail at least as much as I spell-check these public writings. Also, posting this private message was a violation of Internet Law and now I have to go to Internet Jail, providing that there are no bigger criminals around to be arrested instead (Internet Jail has only one cell) such as people who owe $1000 to everyone on the Internet. -- K. An ameba also only has one cell, and so does Mike Jittlov! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 05:11:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor J. Porter Clark (porter.clark@msfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > J. Porter Clark (porter.clark@msfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > > > > > WAAH! I'D RATHER BE A FAKE SPACE SHUTTLE THAN JUST A MODULE! > > > > > > Sorry, all out. > > > > Yeah, I know, I can tell NASA already has more shuttles than they need > > because when the Enterprise landed in the water they just left it there > > and built that swimming pool around it. > > Is that where it went? I wonder who signed for it? Oh, great security system. NASA makes you _sign_ for a space shuttle before you can take it home. Maybe it would be better if NASA at least required you to leave a $50 security deposit? > The folks at our antenna range had--maybe still have--a scale model of > the Shuttle for doing antenna pattern measurements. There was some > measurement that required that they bury (in the ground, fire ants and > all) the thing halfway. Don't ask me why. I don't know which end or > side was buried, either. They were tempted to take a picture of it to > sell to the Weekly World News or equivalent with the suggested captions > "Ancient Astronauts' Shuttle Found" or "Secret Shuttle Crash." Better yet, wait until winter and set it up on Lake Michigan next to the top half of the Statue of Liberty and then send E-mail to everyone in the world except John Glenn telling them to dress up in ape suits. Have Rod Serling write the first draft of the message and then throw away all his work and write something different. > > Fine, then I'll just have to find some other space agency from which > > to extort money. The Russians have lots, right? I mean, they're just > > sitting on all those space station modules down there, so obviously > > they're not so desperate for cash that they had to lauch 'em or anything. > > I was supposed to go over there a few weeks ago, and one of the things > I was supposed to do was to make some measurements inside the Russian > Service Module. But the trip was postponed, and the SM has left for > Baikonur. I hope they don't send me to Baikonur! Hey, that's where that guy on "Perfect Strangers" was from, right? The one who was just like Latka but slightly different? And married to Desi Arnaz? And it was sort of like "Automan Loves Chachi"? Anyway, I think that would be the best episode of "Perfect Strangers" ever, if they accidentally got launched into space on a Russian space shuttle and every time Larry said "Buran", Balki thought he was saying "burpin'" and there would be a chimp wearing roller skates in zero gravity, hanging onto Larry's arm with his teeth. It would be even better than that episode of "Mission: Impossible '88" where NASA got taken over by terrorists right after Jane Badler accidentally got launched on the Space Shuttle but fortunately she had her little "IMF Communicator" so that Peter Graves could talk to her from the ground without any of ther terrorists in the NASA control room catching on. I did not make up anything in that sentence. I swear I have this on tape, and I am probably the only one. > I think it is a good thing that the Italians honor their artists rather > than their politicians. So, who would you rather have on the dollar > bill: Nixon or Elvis? Wait, I can't have both? I mean, we've had Nixon postage stamps, Elvis postage stamps, and now Ayn Rand postage stamps, not to mention that nice "Collective Bargaining" stamp from the '70s that subliminally advertised MasterCard, so I think it's only a matter of time before they run out of cool things to put on stamps and have to stoop to people less huggable than Ayn Rand or things more abstract than a Venn diagram of the concept of Collective Bargaining. > > But I do want to emphasize that some space agency, any space agency, needs > > to name something "Voyager 6" just so that we can see if it really will > > go into a black hole and make William Shatner's hair get all puffy. > > Stands to reason. (I suppose that would make Bill S. puffy all over.) Well, I think in "Chekov's Enterprise", Walter Koenig says that the hot lights made William Shatner's hair get curly, somewhere around the part where he talks about how in the future they will wear jock straps because they don't make underwear lines like BVDs. So apparently either heat or tidal forces cause William Shatner's hair to swell up. The big question is, how much ice would you have to pack into William Shatner to enable him to survive a trip through a black hole? If Jesco von Puttkamer is still at NASA, you could ask him. (Also ask him why the magnetometer boom on Voyager Six was about the length of a pool cue.) > [Rant about NASA-participated movies deleted] > > I never saw _Rocket Man_, but I saw _Space Camp_. I saw > _Capricorn One_ when it came out, and I remember thinking that it was > pretty good at the time, but I was still in college then. You would be very, very, very embarassed that NASA participated in "Rocket Man". After all, the moral of "SpaceCamp" is "NASA is incompetent" but the moral of "Rocket Man" is "NASA is incompetent IN A WACKY WAY!!!" The moral of "Capricorn One" is "NASA wants to kill its astronauts to save money," and I'm sure I'll think of other movies NASA wishes they hadn't participated in if you give me a few moments. Oh, yeah, the moral of "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" is "NASA shouldn't send out any more space probes because they might become superintelligent and try to kill everyone." Oh, and why were the evil people trying to cover E.T.'s house in Saran Wrap wearing space suits with Apollo mission patches? And do NASA's Voyager missions always involve space probes that slide into gas giants sideways so that the little door can open so that the robot arm can hand out the gold videodisc while broadcasting a recording of Kurt Valdheim like in "StarMan"? Now, NASA wasn't involved in the production of "StarMan" or "Mission: Impossible '88" but you gotta admit those were just stupid in ways that didn't make people want to picket NASA. Unless NASA really did get taken over by terrorists from a nonexistent Middle Eastern country where all the signs are in English with slightly different spellings. > > Anyway, J. Porter Clark, I owe you many thanks (about 135, in fact) for > > helping convince other NASA staffers to vote in that Japanese Web poll. > > In case anybody--such as a NASA manager who doesn't know what a smiley > is--thinks that I had anything to do with it, I was just as surprised > as anyone when I saw the announcement and actually spent a little while > making sure it wasn't a hoax. In fact, I am certain that if I had > suggested the name, the top brass would do everything in its power > *not* to name it that. (After they tried to figure out what it was an > acronym for.) I will pay you a dollar if you will tell the top brass that the next module should be named "Bob Hope". Speaking of top brass, is NASA run by a four-star or five-star general? (You do still deny the existence of the secret Space Marine base at Vandenburg that was depicted in "Moonraker", right?) > > (It's too bad NASA only has 135 employees. Not counting all those > > trained space chimps.) > > Uh, downsizing, you know. I have had a few contractors who were > probably not nearly as smart as a chimp. Contractors would have a better image if they were called "expanders". THINK ABOUT IT, WON'T YOU? > > If you can pull a few more strings to get a "Spot" somewhere on the > > International Space Station, I promise to make myself available for the > > ribbon-cutting ceremony if you can't get Tom Hanks to pose with the > > giant space scissors. > > Sounds like a deal to me, but my giant space scissors are at > Calibration. Oh, we could just use one of those laser rifles you guys have. -- K. Hey, CNN just told me that salvage divers just found the shuttle Enterprise! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 04:08:21 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > 'The Japanese Experiment Module (JEM) has been renamed "Kibo", > > > a Japanese word for "hope", the space agency said. The name > > So, Mr. "Kibo". Now that we know your _real_ name, your little plot > would appear to be unmasked. It seems you just couldn't resist leaving > just one little clue, so you could watch and laugh as everyone > dismissed it as a simple coincidence no different from any of the > others that we encounter in daily life except for the particularly > long camera hold and the dramatic music and the little blinking sign > going DING DING DING DING THIS IS A CLUE BEEP BEEP BEEP YOU MORON. You > knew that making a newsgroup try to kill you is the only key to true > immortality. And your plan has been fiendishly successful. But I have > just one question: how did you do it? And would you mind speaking into > this flower arrangement? Hey! You're not the real Barbara Bain, Lynda Day George, or Peter Graves in drag! I refuse to talk into your hidden microphone until I see my lawyer or Allen Funt! WHO MUST BE WEARING CLOTHES!!! -- K. (I would sing the theme song from "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" now, but I forgot how it goes except for the chorus of "Do you say... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?") ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 08:27:22 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) says: > > > > except for the particularly long camera hold and the dramatic music > > and the little blinking sign going DING DING DING DING THIS IS A CLUE > > BEEP BEEP BEEP YOU MORON. > > You misspelled "the dancing bears with the tubas and glitter smelling > like chocolate and garlic followed by exploding rainbows of ice cream". The only problem with having the dancing bears invade your mental universe whenever someone says something really obvious is that "AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS" would deserve its own set of dancing bears, which would deserve more dancing bears, and you'd be so swamped with glowing dancing exploding space bears that they'd become the opposite of very special, which would just ruin life in this Universe which is only tolerable because only 10% of the Universe is made of dancing bears. > > And would you mind speaking into this flower arrangement? > > Dave "Ooooo. _Co_lors!" DeLaney I was going to try to work in that joke the kid in third grade kept telling about the big brass toilet, but you used the word "tuba" near the words "glitter" and "ice cream", and I can't top ice cream with glitter. -- K. Also, how would you know if the spastic hallucinogenic bears invaded an episode of "Help! It's The Hair Bear Bunch"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.misc,sci.chem,rec.bicycles.marketplace,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TREK 7600 Re: Concordia, Canada FLEA MARKET, for sale books, VCRs, CDs, more Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 05:32:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Josh Hesse (00093182@bigred.unl.edu) wrote: > > "Concordia" (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > [...Archie's list of garage sale items, which he's been posting > > repeatedly under other people's names...] > > > > Descente USA Olympic ski suit of early 1990s, black with red liner, > > has USA logo on back. Bought it from a Vermont Olympic candidate. > > Have altered it to my taste. > > Uh... Um... How? > > Wait, forget it, I don't want to know. > > -Josh "Sorry I even asked." I think Archie's writings from February 1998 contain vital clues as to where the hole in Archie's rubberized spandex suit is, and the smash hit pop-culture meme that emerged from it: /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ re-run /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New patent: Human and pet STRAIGHTJACKET: empty our prisons Newsgroups: alt.torture, alt.sex.bondage, alt.religion.kibology, alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 05:06:52 GMT In sci.engr and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Yesterday, Sunday, Dartmouth experienced something strange with its > Network that discouraged me from posting to Usenet. The lines were down > or something but I could not see my posts anywhere. Mental note: Cut Dartmouth phone lines again. > Today is a national holiday of presidents day. And today while in bed > in my sleeping bag I thought of this new invention. The straight-jacket > has not been improved upon much. But if it were it could offer a > solution to the prison systems of the world via letting the prisoner > back into the general public. Prisoners in the USA cost on average > $100,000 a year to maintain. So this is a huge problem. My solution is to make them all college students, as it only costs about $20,000 a year at good colleges and $1000 a year at community colleges. This could also empty out our mental institutions as we could hire the insane and have them wash dishes or something. But only the prisoners would be forced to eat food that had been touched by the crazy people. > I propose to construct a tough plastic shell, some tough plastic all > weather shell, that allows the occupant enough freedom to be functional > but not enough to allow full freedom that citizens get. It allows them to dance, play basketball, and have a full, active social life, but prohibits choice of religion! > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free unless you > cut off the feet, then this straight-jacket will hold the individual. Ah, but there's a flaw in your reasoning: Prisoners would just cut off their feet. And it costs over $100,000 just to re-attach ONE foot! > And if the prisoner does not have own family to take care of him/her > drop them off on an island, tropical island and go make a living. > > A similar device would be very good for pet retainers, given more > degrees of freedom. And possibly when modified, even a babysitter > playpen for a toddler. > > New Straight-Jacket, I reserve the 1 full year from today 16 February > 1998 to patent the NEW STRAIGHTJACKET WITH VARIABLE DEGREES OF FREEDOM. Archie, I believe someone's already patented (a) the body cast, (b) the erotic mummification process, and (c) the spanking machine. Just remember, any true scientist always test his invention on himself first. -- K. followups to alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New patent: Human and pet STRAIGHTJACKET: empty our prisons Newsgroups: alt.torture, alt.sex.bondage, alt.religion.kibology, alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 07:01:23 GMT In sci.engr and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I propose to construct a tough plastic shell, some tough plastic all > weather shell, that allows the occupant enough freedom to be functional > but not enough to allow full freedom that citizens get. > [...] > If you construct a tough plastic shell with the butt area cut out to > poop, but the leg ankles such that it is hard to get free [...] Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > You can't have this patent b/c I already invented the pet form of this > without the poop-hole for my hamster, whom I despise. I tried to diagram that sentence, but couldn't because you didn't leave a diagram-hole. Now shut yer Usenet hole! > -Teg > > I'm beginning to forget what his natural color is! Why, did Walter Winchell accuse him and his husband Desi of being Communists? (OBSCURE FIFTIES TOPICAL HUMOR, QUE SE DICE "HENNA RINSE") -- K. All the tell-tale signs are there: one of his kids married the evil Kibok from "Star Trek 5" and the other one kept his mouth open throughout every episode of "Autohamster". -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) Subject: Jackie Chan Kibology Movie Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 20 Mar 1998 15:33:28 GMT OK, so Best Beloved rents "Operation Condor" last night. So why didn't anyone tell me Jackie Chan was a practicing Kibologist? I began to suspect the movie was about Kibology during the pre-title sequence. Our Hero is caught stealing giant, radioactive green Pez by a bunch of people who weren't wearing any pants. Then he makes his escape in Archimedes Plutonium's globular strait jacket! Complete with poop hole! I kid you not! So, I girded my loins (IFYKWIM) and prepared to treat the movie as an opportunity for religous enlightenment, but I'm afraid much of it went over my head. I recognized that the man who sends Our Hero on his quest represented Kibo, because he had a beard, and really seemed to care (though not very much). And I think the hotel proprietor was supposed to be Joe Bay, and the two wacky Arab guys were Jaffo and Rone, but where was Spot? I suppose I could watch the movie again and try to figure it out, but I'd much rather have one of you do my homework for me. THADVANCENKS --Terri -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I should have trademarked it. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 26 Jun 1998 05:50:03 GMT Stephen Will Tanner (dumple@execpc.com) wrote: > > Thomas R Scudder (tomscud@umich.edu) > > > > I notice that not only did they not credit you for the name, they also > > didn't credit Herr Pu for his design work on the "full-body > > SJTARCAKIEGTH T". Mit poop-hole. I would just like to say that when that paragraph can be understood by your average man-in-the-street we will know my exegesis is complete. > You misspelled "SMTIRCAHIAGEHLT". And MIT is not the poop-hole that > it may appear at first, second, and thirty-fourth glance. You mispronounced "purple", "dirty", and "phenomenon". > Which is more hypocritical? > (A) A vegetarian eating a "Meatless Burger" > (B) A pacifist playing Doom > (C) Monks reading pornography > (D) A vegetarian making a custom Doom level with monk pornography (E) Titling it "Chex Quest" and bundling it with a free AOL disk in cereal boxes and then handing one to a monk who says, "DAMMIT!" which breaks his vow of silence so he gets another fifty years tacked on. > Today I read a biography of Judy Garland and decided maybe I was gay, > but then looked at some Japanese girls in swimsuits and decided I > probably wasn't. Were the swimsuits leather, and were the girls plastic? If so, stop reading SMH, SMHICAELTRAIGHT. Were the girls' panties being worn on the head of a cartoon cat? If so, stop playing Panty Cat. > I think I should start writing sequiturs before I alienate everyone. And now, "ALIEN V: THE NON-SEQUITUR!" Charles Dutton: They call me 86 'cause I like "Get Smart". Sigourney Weaver: Yes, but this is a spatula! Charles Dutton: That means you must be a ripe cucumber! Sigourney Weaver: Pickle me! It's our only chance! Bishop II: Wait, listen to this -- (Orchestral music plays, interrupted by the sound of pages being turned at high volume.) Barbara Bain: Watch out for those killer soap suds! THE END! Bishop II: Wait, you can't say "THE END!", you're not in is movie! Barbara Bain: Yes, I am, you're not! THE END! OF "THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND" -- K. Directed by Captain Kirk, not William Shatner! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) Subject: Re: strength of a tube after holes drilled into Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: 11 Aug 1998 18:54:37 -0700 Archimedes Plutonium wrote: > > This is a bit of science research I need for theoretical science more > than practicality. I'm glad you're not lowering yourself to mere engineering these days. > The question sprung from my bicycle. It has water bottle cages with 2 > holes drilled into the frame. One hole sprung a leak. The other sprung stupid questions! > My opinion of water bottle cages on bicycle frames is that it was a > fad that should never have started. To compromise the strength of the > bicycle just for some pitiful faddish water bottle cage. Water is best > carried in the back. In a large hump. Please research how difficult it would be to clone human camel humps onto bald neuter people so I can patent it. > But fads on bicycles is not my issue here. My issue is to know about > the strength of a tube that is without holes compared to one with > holes. I need to know this also for the carbon fiber human skeleton. The strength is greatly decreased. For your carbon fiber rigid straightjacket, you can't have the "excreta hole", which is really a bad thing. Eww. For the carbon fiber skull, you need a hole in that like you need a hole in your head. However, using a wiffle ball as a skull should work well while not allowing any vital organs to be exposed to, say, beverages. Regards, Joe Bay -- Quis investigator privatus negrus est, qui secusmachina omnibus pullibus est? Hastile! Quis immittet se in periculum, ut suum filius excipere? Hastile! Dixunt Hastilem maaalus mater -- Conticesce! Eloquor modo Hastilis. Potis defodere est. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.toys.action-figures,rec.arts.sf.starwars.collecting From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Some new toy photos are now on my Web site Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 08:01:57 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology [BLATANT SELF-PROMOTION] If you drop in on my Web site right now, you'll have to opportunity to see me taking advantage of the impending release of the new "Star Wars" toys (tonight at midnight, the line forms in the expensive part of "Toys R Us") to talk about "Star Wars" toys on my site. You can also find out which prominent religious cult makes celebrities dip their heads in silver paint, and learn the secret identity of Apollo 12 astronaut Alan Bean. Also featured is an extreme close-up of Tiny Bob Hope! See 'em all in the photo gallery section of my annoying Web site: http://www.kibo.com/photos -- K. Sometime soon the site's going to get that major enema I keep promising to give it, but for now enjoy all the pretty pictures. Even the ones of Tiny Bob Hope. At 1/6 size, he's only 15.5 scale years old. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I meet my enemy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 08:45:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > "Beautiful markings," he says. And he is right, they are. My dog > > is the successful result of over two hundred years of selective > > breeding designed to produce a long-haired alsatian whose coat's > > colour distribution matches exactly, down to the texture, any one of > > seventeen of Jackson Pollock's most famous works, depending on the > > length of the haircut given to the dog. From the unabashed hedonism > > of "Number 1, 1950" (No. 2 clippers) to the oblique terseness of > > "Untitled, 1952" (short back and sides), this dog is a work of art > > that would bring honour to the collection of any self-respecting art > > museum. > > I think I'm just going to quit posting now. I will never write > anything approaching this paragraph. I had a difficult time just > *quoting* it. > > NO, NO, DON'T BOTHER PLEADING! YOU WILL NEVER GET ME TO RECONSIDER!! > NEVER! Okay, everyone, you heard him -- the next time Matt posts, he owes everyone on the Internet $1,000. And then he has to watch "Rocket Man" six times. -- K. I've only seen it twice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I meet my enemy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 03:03:11 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com ) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I think I'm just going to quit posting now. I will never write > > > anything approaching this paragraph. I had a difficult time just > > > *quoting* it. > > > > > > NO, NO, DON'T BOTHER PLEADING! YOU WILL NEVER GET ME TO RECONSIDER!! > > > NEVER! > > > > Okay, everyone, you heard him -- the next time Matt posts, he owes everyone > > on the Internet $1,000. And then he has to watch "Rocket Man" six times. > > My sabbatical from the Internet was a breath of fresh air-- I recommend > that everyone here do this. You'll experience things, stretch your toes, > find your soul and your center again. Oh, sure, there were times during > those exciting 13 minutes of Netlessness during which I felt withdrawal > pains-- loneliness for my virtual community, pangs of hunger for even the > basest a.r.k content. But, you know what? I re-evaluated my priorities, > and when after much soul-searching I decided to come back, it was as a > wiser, more adult human being. But all that will be cancelled out once you finish watching "Rocket Man" six times, which will make you into a dumber, more infantile semi-human fan of Disney's matinees below the level of "The Shook-Up Shopping Cart". M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You'll experience things, stretch your toes, find your soul and your > > center again. > > WAAAAAH! MY SOUL AND MY CENTER ARE ON USENET! My sole tastes like ammonia because I got it at "The Ground Round" and Stephen Hawking has hypthesized that there may be an enormous black hole at my center. Or possibly a creamy Shapely center. -- K. MMM! WITH WHIPPLE TOPPING! AND HOYLE ON CARDS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I'd just like to point out... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 09:01:47 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ...that, last night, I saw a TV show that was 47 years old and you could tell because Leslie Nielsen had giant sideburns. -- K. Hey, I forgot to eat any candy today. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I'd just like to point out... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 02:58:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > "Chris McGonnell" (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > ...that, last night, I saw a TV show that was 47 years old and you could > > > tell because Leslie Nielsen had giant sideburns. > > > > Was it "Bracken's World?" > > Leslie Nielsen was, in his younger days, da bomb. He went through the > Huge Sideburns Phase in the 70s, No, I'm talking about the early '50s. As in blurry, grainy, underexposed, flickey kinescopes of "live" image-orthicon broadcasts. And I mean HUGE sideburns, not fashionable 70s 'ones. This was the "Tales Of Tomorrow" half-hour live-TV version of "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea", in which he played the Kirk Douglas role. I think he did that before the "Tales Of Tomorrow" episode where he had an APPOINTMENT... ON MARS. The one where his cap pistol wouldn't fire, so he strangled the bad guy. I like "Tales Of Tomorrow" because no other show had as cool a title sequence as a long, slow, loving close-up of a glove with a spring glued to the back of it pulling a lever that wasn't connected to anything. > when he starred in such TV classics as "Columbo", where he played the > lawyer, doctor, victim *and* murderer, all in the same episode! The endings of "Columbo" always surprise me. They should make it more obvious who the murderer is. Also they should bring back that spinoff show where Kate Hepburn was "Mrs. Columbo". I watched "Desk Set" last night and kept having to restrain myself so I wouldn't shout things about primary warp-core phase-inhibitor plasmatroid coils at Kate Kepburn and her hair and her voice and her personality. > The sideburns had been reduced from Leah-like muttonchops [1] > to Rock Hudson-like divots by the time he was in "Airplane!" I just like the fact that William Shatner's "Star Trek" character is obviously modelled on Leslie Nielsen's character in "Forbidden Plant", right down to Kirk's/Pike's prudery in the earliest episodes (when Kirk can't bring himself to say "fanny" to Charlie X, Pike's uneasiness about being in a cage with two beautiful women, etc.) The only think I can't figure out about "Forbidden Planet" is, who's the equivalent of Earl Holliman on "Star Trek"? > [1] Hey, she's the one who said she had 'em! She meant for dinner, you sideburn-assumer. > Usenet means never having to say you're sorry. Because Kibo can always say you're sorry for you. LEAH, STACIA IS SORRY. -- K. Being Kibo means never having not to say you're sorry. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I'd just like to point out... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:21:09 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Marshburn (marshbur@cs.unc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like "Tales Of Tomorrow" because no other show had as cool a title > > sequence as a long, slow, loving close-up of a glove with a spring > > glued to the back of it pulling a lever that wasn't connected to anything. > > I can think of no greater physical entity. What about Tarzan pulling a level that's not connected to anything? With a spring popping out of his forehead? (And then there would follow a half-hour version of "Dune" starring Leslie Nielsen filmed entirely on one tiny cardboard set with one camera, no edits, and frequent mentions of Kreisler watchbands during every scene.) -- K. Fun fact: The first TV commercial was for Bulova watches. AND LOOK WHERE BULOVA IS TODAY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Not Just Kids Buying Star Wars Toys Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 01:47:11 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "AP / MICHAEL FLEEMAN, AP Entertainment Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- In a galaxy located somewhere between reason > and insanity, 30-year-old construction worker Gil Juarez was > spending $100 for a one-way ticket back to childhood. I UNDERSTAND, MY CHILDHOOD WAS ALSO OVER THERE IN THE GALAXY OF INSANITY. Except I didn't have any "Star Wars" toys. Just Tinkertoys. And I never even saw the movie Tinkertoys were based on. > ``You can buy whatever you want right now,'' Juarez observed of > the benefits of adulthood, as he shopped for ``Star Wars'' action > figures, models and children's underwear at a Toys R Us and then he bought some more toys down the street at The Underwear Store. > in Los Feliz, just outside downtown Los Angeles. ``It used to be you had > to ask your parents. Now it's just your wife saying, 'No, no, no.' > And since I have the money, I say, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah.''' > ``Star Wars'' fans, collectors, shop-a-holics and others just > feeling frisky from the Force invaded toy stores Monday just after > the stroke of midnight. The mission for these Storm Troopers armed > with Visa cards was to become the first in the solar system to buy > merchandise from the upcoming ``Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom > Menace,'' which doesn't reach theaters until May 19. > It was a trip to the dark side, literally: Lines started forming > Sunday evening in places like Lawrenceville, N.J., and Brookfield, > Ill. THIS REPORTER HAS PROVEN THAT "STAR WARS" IS EVIL BECAUSE PEOPLE IN NEW JERSEY LIKE IT!!! > And when the Earth's single sun rose, another wave returned to > reap the most popular bounty, including 12-inch Darth Maul villains > and Jar Jar Binks space creatures, or a Jabba the Hutt that barfs > green play gel (``Not a food item,'' the box warns.) Well, DUH, that's why he's vomiting. > Fans had been waiting for months to activate the little Darth > Maul's light saber swinging action, or to repeatedly press the > saddlebag of the nimble steed-like kaadu for realistic running > action, or to just cover their bodies in ``Star Wars'' lotion. I've been waiting months to cover their bodies with a bulldozer. OOH! OOH! I JUST WENT TO THE DARK SIDE! IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF GEORGE LUCAS AND EVERYONE IN NEW JERSEY! > But the emperor forbade it. > George Lucas, the director, creator and owner of all things > ``Star Wars,'' The man who personally wrote all three films all by himself, without reference to any existing films, and who played all the characters and made all the model spaceships and operated every projector in every theater in the world, > secured strict licensing deals that prevented toy > maker Hasbro from releasing virtually any information about its > Chinese-made products GEORGE LUCAS PERSONALLY MADE "STAR WARS" ALL BY HIMSELF, AND ALSO, HE IS THE COUNTRY OF CHINA, SO THERE. > until the determined hour (though the Internet rebels had pictures > of the stuff posted on their unofficial Web sites for months.) Although I didn't announce it until last night. > Then, just after midnight, ``Man, did it go!'' said Mark > Breller, the sales floor manager at the Lawrenceville, N.J., Toys R Us. > The scene was ... well, let him describe it. > ``One of the managers brought a video camera in to tape it, I was at the local Toys R Us last night around 11 P.M. with my digital still camera, but there wasn't a line. In fact, there were more people in Home Depot buying cinder blocks than waiting to buy exciting action figures. Maybe Toys R Us should start selling cinder blocks. > and there were all these people with their shopping carts, and as soon > as the doors opened, they started running,'' he said. IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT HUGE RUSH TO BUY WINDOWS 98! THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN! > ``People were grabbing the action figures off the shelves as fast as > they could, I always try to grab much slower than I can. > filling entire shopping carts with them. One guy bought 100 of the > battle droids. He said he was going to set up a battle scene.'' > At a Wal-Mart in Tulsa, Okla., one collector went so far as to > offer store employees $1,000 for a Star Wars promotional sign. You know, when that kid in Minnesota killed himself when "Battlestar Galacitca" got cancelled (the first time), just imagine what would happen right now if George Lucas changed his mind and cancelled the movie. NO! NO! IT'S NOT MY FAULT! THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE MADE ME SAY THAT BECAUSE GEORGE LUCAS IS CHINA PLUS NEW JERSEY!!! > At the Boise Toys R Us, shoppers purchased the equivalent of a 40-foot > semi-truck of movie toys. Of course, the 40-foot semi-truck would be more fun than the "Star Wars" action figures. Especially if it was semi-truck, semi-robot. > ``It's pure madness,'' said Erik Henriksen, a 19-year-old > college student. ``There was so much pure desire for this stuff we > were terrified.'' > And who were these people, acting like this was the second > coming of Tickle Me Elmo? Also at Toys R Us this weekend, I noticed that Tamagotchis had moved to the "Clearance" rack for $2.99. IN MY DAY TAMGOTCHIS COST $35 AND LOWERING THE PRICE BY A FACTOR OF 12 DOESN'T MAKE ME LOVE THEM ANY MORE THAN I EVER DID! > Some, to be sure, were collectors, acquiring Jar Jars for a > rainy day, diversifying a college fund that may be a little heavy > on Beanie Babies. > ``They want to get it off the shelf at the retail price,'' > explained Ron Reusch, owner of The Toy in Milwaukee, Milwaukee sucks. It's only got one toy in it. Minnesota's better because it has all those "Battlestar Galactica" toys that are owned by the state now that the only guy who liked "Battlestar Galactica" killed himself. DARK FORCE! IT'S GEORGE LUCAS'S FAULT I SAID THAT!!! I CALL DARK FORCE ON THAT! > on speculators buying in bulk to resell at higher prices on the Internet. > The least expensive toy available Monday was the Star Wars Spin > Pop at $5.99. Mmm, a six-dollar lollipop... that requires batteries. And emits deadly vibrations that cause tongue cancer. It would be a bargain at TWICE the stupidity! > Not even 24 hours after the merchandise launch, some fans were > already trying to sell their new buys on the Internet. Amazon.com > listed more than 15 new ``Star Wars'' items in its auction area on > Monday. > Among the offerings was a set of 21 action figures and the > related computer gear that makes them talk, with the bidding > beginning at $350. > But mostly the buyers were just folks, albeit slightly more in > love with ``Star Wars'' than most. FACE IT, ADMIT THAT YOU COULD SNAP AND BECOME ONE OF THESE PEOPLE JUST LIKE _THAT_. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS A BOZO EXCEPT FOR ME. SINCERELY, THE ASSOCIATED PRESS. A DIVISION OF GEORGE LUCAS. > Supplies of most goods seemed to be holding up Monday despite > the demand, but Louis Lecca wasn't taking any chances. > Lecca, 26, a music producer from Los Angeles, waited four hours > in line before Los Feliz Toys R Us opened. He cooked up a plan to > make sure he got what he wanted. > Instead of rushing for the ``Star Wars'' section like everybody > else, he went a few aisles over and shouted, ``They're opening new > boxes in the back!'' > As the mob went to the back, where there were no new boxes, he > had his pick. But then I yelled, "HEY, YOUR SHOES ARE ON!" and while everyone was confused, the movie opened and THEY MISSED IT! > ``After a while it does start to get ridiculous,'' he said. ``I > won't buy everything, but all of those people who say it's childish > to spend so much money on these, I say just go see the movie, and > you'll understand.'' I think that he's a bozo because "Howard The Duck" is the best movie ever made and if he will see it five hundred times he will be forced to agree. ALSO I UNDERSTAND ALL ABOUT "STAR WARS: EPISODE 1" BECAUSE I PLAN TO SEE IT ONCE IT PREMIERES. > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. > -=-=- > C O P Y R I G H T * R E M I N D E R > > This article is Copyright 1999 by The Associated Press. > All articles in the clari.* news hierarchy are Copyrighted and licensed > to ClariNet Communications Corp. for distribution. Except for articles > in the biz.clarinet newsgroups, only paid subscribers may access > these articles. Any unauthorized access, reproduction or transmission > is strictly prohibited. > We offer a reward to the person who first provides us with > information that helps stop those who distribute or receive our news > feeds without authorization. Please send reports to reward@clari.net. > [Use info@clari.net for sales or other inquiries.] GEORGE LUCAS REPOSTED YOUR ARTICLE. PLEASE SEND ME THE REWARD IN ANY FORM OTHER THAN "STAR WARS" ACTION FIGURES. -- K. P.S. Richard "Apollo" Hatch recently issued this press release about himself: -> Where others have come and gone, Richard Hatch has been the driving force -> behind keeping the legend of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA alive for twenty years -> through his support of loyal fans, guest speaking and 3 successful novels -> based on the series. In the past two years, there has been a tremendous -> push towards creating a contemporary film using modern film technology and -> high tech effects. Towards this end, Hatch is currently producing a -> promotional trailer to help further sufficient collateral, plus backed the -> project personally, to insure a quality demo that would do justice to the -> property. Maybe he'll also help create a "Battlestar Galactica" toy craze by personally buying all the "Galactica" toys in the world one minute after midnight. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Star Wars: May the Toys Be With You Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 02:02:19 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "AP / RACHEL BECK, AP Business Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- After months of waiting and anticipation, > anxious ``Star Wars'' fans braved the dead of night ASSOCIATED PRESS CONFIRMS "STAR WARS" FANS ARE SCARED OF THE DARK! > to get first dibs I CALL LAST DIBS!!! > on the most-hyped line of movie-themed merchandise in history. > The extensive line of toys and other products-- for the still > unreleased ``Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace'' -- went on > sale early today on a studio-imposed schedule. Fortunately, the studio forgot the line on the schedule which says when I'm required to buy 'em. > Avid fans around the nation lined up hours in advance. AND THE LESS AVID ONES LINED UP FOR HOURS *AFTER* THEY BOUGHT THE TOYS!! > ``I left my wife and baby across town at a hotel,'' said Paul > Rockswold, 29, an Evangelical Lutheran pastor who drove 2 1/2 hours > from rural Creston, Neb., to be first in line at an Omaha Toys R Us. I will pay $5 to anyone who can supply me with a videotape of his sermon, "Why I Abandoned My Baby For A Tiny Darth Maul Doll", which he delivered while waving a light-saber with a cross on the end. > Many fans could barely contain themselves once the doors opened > right after midnight Sunday, dashing to the ``Star Wars'' displays > and scooping up armfuls of toys and other goods. Can't we have unbiased reporting for once? That should be ...and scooping up armfuls of toys and other mediocres. > ``I'm a ``Star Wars'' maniac,'' said Millie Gonzalez, as she was > leaving a Toys R Us store in Yonkers, N.Y., with two shopping carts > filled with merchandise. ``I was first on line and I bought two of > everything.'' > Fans had been waiting for months to get a glimpse of the vast > array of goodies -- from action figures to wigs to body lotion to > snack food -- tied to the movie, which opens May 19. COOL! AN EDIBLE WIG DIPPED IN BODY LOTION! AND IT MAKES CONSTANT LIGHT-SABER NOISES! AND IT'S TIED TO THE MOVIE BY A LARGE STRING WHICH GOES TWO WEEKS INTO THE FUTURE! AND THE STORE WAS NICE ENOUGH TO HAVE A GUY STANDING BY THE ENTRANCE TO HOLD ONTO MY WALLET WHILE I WAS IN THE STORE! > But LucasFilm Ltd. had signed strict licensing deals that > prevented manufacturers from releasing virtually any information > about their products ahead of 12:01 a.m. on May 3. Ever notice how clocks in George Lucas movies are always set to 12:01, the time Abraham Lincoln was shot? And it was also the time when Martin Landau's whole body exploded, and Bill Murray had to watch over and over! > Anticipating huge demand, Toys R Us stores around the country > decided to open their doors just after midnight today for an > all-night selling marathon. Some FAO Schwarz and K-B Toys stores > were also open after midnight. K-B does brisk business on the Internet because whenever anyone wants to make a face at another Internet user and they happen to look just like Mr. Yuk with buck teeth it subliminally advertises K-B. By the way, my local Toys R Us has receipts that say "Toys R Us" at both the top and bottom and the "R" is backwards ONLY AT ONE END!!! I would have to say that Toys R Us has finally found a way to make it more incorrect than just always having it be backwards. > Wal-Mart and Kmart called in extra staff for their 24-hour > stores to handle the post-midnight crowds. Many stores limited the > number of items a customer could buy to prevent immediate > sell-outs. > Even the virtual stores were ready for middle-of-the-night > surfers with an itch to buy. Internet merchants Amazon.com and > eToys also opened their ``Star Wars'' stores after midnight. WOW! NOW THE INTERNET STAYS OPEN AFTER DARK!!! > ``I personally haven't ever seen anything like this,'' said > Ratana Oleczak, store manager at a Toys R Us in Milwaukee. ``I've > heard of things that are hot before, like people standing in line > for Furbies and for the Tickle Me Elmo and things like that, but as > far as this caliber, no.'' > At the FAO Schwartz store in Boston, store employees cheered and > waved laser wands as shoppers rushed in. After first signing a waiver so that they couldn't sue when the emloyees accidentally burned their eyeballs out with their reckless lasering. > The original ``Star Wars'' theme song blared in the background. IN THE BIZARRO WORLD, THE BACKGROUND IS ALWAYS THE LOUDEST PART!!! > Some fans waited as much as six hours at stores in West Virginia > while the Toys R Us in Lawrence Township, N.J., anticipated being > open all night long with a steady stream of customers. The Toys R > Us in Cary, N.C., served breakfast to children who shopped before > heading to school. > In Columbus, Ohio, Matt Brown and friend Jeff Haggard worked as > a team to quickly find all of the action figures, dolls and space > ships they wanted at the local Toys R Us store. In the same store, > Greg Lawhun stood in awe over the huge -- and aggressive -- crowd. > ``We didn't expect this,'' Lawhun said. ``It's like Cabbage > Patch mania. ONLY STUPID!!! > It's like a feeding frenzy.'' ONLY LESS NUTRITIOUS!!! > Eric Roper of Boise, anticipating a long night, had relatives > bring him snacks and coffee while he waited. Roper estimates he > already has sunk about $2,500 into 300 Star Wars action figures he > displays in his house, and was primed to spend more. > The big seller of the night was the line of 12-inch dolls, which > include characters such as villain Darth Maul and space creature > Jar Jar Binks. I can't wait for the guy who keeps posting his review of the Chasey Lain doll to tackle the thorny problem of the twelve-inch Darth Maul. > > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE NOW IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT!!! I WIN!!! -- K. I like the "Star Wars" Legos the best because you could use them to build all the other toys. And because Darth Vader is shaped like Billy Barty. And if you take his mask off, he's got a yellow smiley face. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Last Wishes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 05:33:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Samantha Wilkinson (sammie@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just like how, suddenly, everyone has realized that the only time bagpipe > > music is appropriate is that all public funerals must have Scotsmen playing > > "Amazing Grace", because (a) that's the only song anyone ever plays on > > bagpipes, > > Um, Kibo, while I defer to your superior knowledge on many other > subjects, I feel I should point out that, in fact, the one song that all > bagpipers are required to learn is "Scotland the Brave." That's nae song, thot's a DRINKIN' SONG. "Amazin' Grace", thot's a regularrr song. Also, Scotty on "Star Trek" nevarrrr played "Scotland t' Brave". Even back when James Doohan played Scotty as a pirate. I FORGET WHEN THAT WAS BUT IT WAS A MONTH WITH AN AHRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! > In college, the drum major for the marching band (marching is a bit of a > misnomer here, although we were able to walk in time *unlike some other > bands*) my senior year played the bagpipes. He used to pride himself on > being a Korean Jew decked out in full Scottish regalia. He managed to > get pretty good at playing them, especially considering he didn't pick > it up until college. Hey kids! Did you pick up the bagpipe in college? If so, we're offering a free trial of a new medication to remove bagpipes. > That last paragraph was added to give this post actual content so that > it didn't look like I just followed up to point out that Kibo was > *wrong*. I mean, I didn't want to make him feel like a BIG LOOZER > DOODY-HEAD or anything just because he made a significant factual error. > Nope, a.r.k. is all about acceptance, even of cretinous bozos. It's okay, Sam, I'd still accept you even if you weren't a cretinous bozo from the Earth's cretinous era. -- K. I, myself, am from the Computer Era. Which is why I save 1c on Wheatables! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another Victory for Kontext-Away! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 4 May 1999 05:40:11 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dr. Aaron I. Allensworth, Yh.B.T." (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > I was out taking pictures for eventual scanning and posting to my webpage, > and I came across one that I just can NOT hold in much longer. Aherm... > > Posted on a storefront sign: > > MOTHER'S DAY IS MAY 9 > BUY PROM LEIS HERE At one of the local malls, a store has a big poster telling me to buy Tae Bo tapes for Mother's Day. I'm just miffed that they spelled my name wrong. > Gee, won't Mom be so proud when she sees the fine "merchandise" you bought > from Guido? Such a sweet girl, and such a reasonable price! And the best part is that the leis come packed in a can that looks like a peanut can but nobody will ever realize it isn't even though peanuts ain't come in little tin cans like that since about 1936. They really oughta make Pringles cans with huge spring-loaded eye-gougers in them. And they could make another versions that could shoot a bar of black soap into your mouth while pushing you down onto a Whoopie cushion. -- K. What is this analog activity "scanning" of which you speak? Is it from the days of keeping your peanuts in a can? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Results Of Mustard Article. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:07:04 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology WARNING: DURING THIS POST, I WILL BECOME BORING. (DON'T WORRY, IT WILL WEAR OFF IN A FEW YEARS.) John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Now to utter something. > Hey Kibo: > Please send me you opinion as to how many people are reading your > group called alt.religion.kibology also alt.alien visitors and > alt.conspiracy. I really want to know. > John Winston. Now to attempt to say something. Dear John_-_: I wish I knew, too. But it's so kind of you to refer to the people on alt.religion.kibology as "people". I think most of them are actually robots and/or random surges of electrons in the upper ionosphere.* As far as I know (someone will hopefully correct me in the unlikely event I am ever wrong) the last time anyone attempted to estimate Usenet statistics was around 1994, and even then it was a subject of controversy because it was based on an estimate of the number of people "on Usenet" which would be all over the place depending on who you asked. In other words, they studied a few thousand Usenet users to see what percentages of them read each group, but then they had to multiply that by some made-up "population of the Internet" number, and different people had waaaaaayyy different estimates of that factor. I think the number (as reported in news.lists) for alt.religion.kibology was fluctuating around 80,000 estimated readers in 1994; if we assume that the number of people is correlated to the number of postings per day, the group's volume is more or less the same as it was in 1994 (150-200 articles per day.) Of course, that's another big assumption. Basically, nobody ever knew the numbers back then, and we absolutely don't know now. More rambling about what those numbers mean and in what ways they may be inaccurate: The numbers from 1994, assuming the "arbitron" users sampled represented a good cross-section of the Usenet population (about which I have my doubts, because at every site several groups are much more popular than they are elsewhere based on the habits of that particular clique, and I don't know now many sites "arbitron" monitored) we can at least determine the _relative_ popularity of newsgroups, for instance, "alt.religion.kibology has the same number of readers as alt.fan.howard-stern". (That was a 1994 estimate, although I wouldn't be surprised if Howard Stern's inched up or dropped since then. Or if I have.) Alt.religion.kibology went from 0 to about 80,000 (estimated) within its first three years, and during the last year those stats were kept it fluctuated above and below 80,000; I suspect it was a plateau and the fluctuations may be artifacts from the estimation methods. Note that although it's very hard to scale the 1994 number to 1999 (since 1994, the number of people on the Internet has gone up by an order of magnitude, as has the number of newsgroups on Usenet) I am inclined to believe it's still more likely to be around 80,000 than to be wildly higher or lower, because the number of articles per day in the newsgroup has remained more or less the same (150-200/day) and the number I write has remained the same since even before the newsgroup was founded (20-60/week). One thing I can give you semi-accurate numbers for: The hit-count on my Web site. I say "semi-accurate" because Web "hits" are always somewhat bogus to tally (be skeptical of any news report where they say "Web site xyz.com got over five hundred billion visitors yesterday", because they don't seem to understand that "hits" measures "visitors multiplied by the number of little icons on your menu page") but because I have access to the server logs as well as some others my site generates, I can say that about 500 *different* people visit www.kibo.com every week (which amounts to 30,000 hits per week, or 1,560,000 per year.) Each person accounts for about 60 hits (in my site's case, not in general) meaning that they look at several pages (each page having several icons) before they get disgusted and leave. 500 people per week doesn't seem like a lot, but when you convert that into "1,560,000 hits per year" that sounds like a big deal. And it is very good traffic for a Web site that doesn't sell anything, doesn't advertise on other Web sites, and doesn't have anything about Beanie Babies. Hmm, that gives me an idea. As one of the people who maintains the Web services on world.std.com, I've seen the hit statistics for various other sites hosted by that ISP (including its own site) and a few get more hits, most get fewer (World's own site gets fewer than my personal site does!) For your reference, here are some articles from my archives about the "arbitron" statistics for alt.religion.kibology during 1992 to 1994. (alt.religion.kibology was founded in 1991 and it grew rapidly, as the tiny readership in the first post from 1992 indicates.) I'm sorry, but I don't have archives of statistics other than these fragments -- if someone has complete copies of news.lists statistics from anywhere in the 1991 to 1994 period, I'd be interested in studying them. (I could make a real purty graph.) ================================== RE-RUNS ==================================== [in this article, a.r.k was three months old, and had 9100 estimated readers] From: James 'Kibo' Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Kibology Cheaper Than Sex--proof from news.lists! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 2 Feb 1992 02:42:17 GMT [] From Brian Reid's latest news.lists Usenet readership summary. Notice that reading alt.sex costs you $0.04 per reader per month but alt.religion.kibology costs you $0.03. This is the full set of data from the USENET readership report for Jan 92. Explanations of the figures are in a companion posting. +-- Estimated total number of people who read the group, worldwide. | +-- Actual number of readers in sampled population | | +-- Propagation: how many sites receive this group at all | | | +-- Recent traffic (messages per month) | | | | +-- Recent traffic (kilobytes per month) | | | | | +-- Crossposting percentage | | | | | | +-- Cost ratio: $US/month/rdr | | | | | | | +-- Share: % of newsrders | | | | | | | | who read this group. V V V V V V V V 1 250000 5272 70% 1756 6300.0 28% 0.04 13.0% alt.sex 2 220000 4597 85% 814 1629.4 17% 0.01 11.4% misc.jobs.offered 3 190000 3932 83% 82 159.2 0% 0.00 9.7% rec.humor.funny 4 170000 3551 82% 2067 3472.9 10% 0.04 8.8% rec.humor [...] 988 9300 197 14% 248 567.2 3% 0.02 0.5% aus.general 989 9300 196 50% 39 82.8 11% 0.01 0.5% alt.education.disabled 990 9300 196 5% 22 37.4 19% 0.00 0.5% ucb.general 991 9200 195 45% 1 1.2 100% 0.00 0.5% alt.desert-shield 992 9200 194 47% 73 121.3 1% 0.01 0.5% alt.fan.pern 993 9100 193 42% 43 69.4 37% 0.01 0.5% biz.sco.opendesktop *994 9100 192 39% 187 292.3 42% 0.03 0.5% alt.religion.kibology 995 9100 192 39% 75 123.2 16% 0.01 0.5% alt.missing-kids 996 9100 192 5% 55 84.3 10% 0.00 0.5% sfnet.atk.ms-dos 997 9000 191 47% 2 73.6 0% 0.01 0.5% alt.comp.acad-freedom.news [...] 1650 95 2 1% 4 3.8 50% 0.00 0.0% uiuc.announce 1651 95 2 0% 13 173.1 0% 0.03 0.0% ar.info-ada 1652 95 2 0% 5 5.4 0% 0.00 0.0% tamu.phil.240 1653 47 1 1% 4 6.9 25% 0.00 0.0% uiuc.sys.next 1654 47 1 0% 20 37.6 0% 0.01 0.0% nyu.listserv.cwis-l ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [this article lists the most popular groups when a.r.k was eight months old] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: How To Be Really Obnoxious. Don't try this at home! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.cascade, news.admin Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 7 Jul 1992 05:52:09 GMT [] I was recently wondering how many groups you'd need to cross-post to, for getting over a million people to read your deathless prose (in the Usenet sense of "read", of course, since there's no way to ascertain how many of them read only the first few lines.) We'll assume that the statistics from news.lists, below, are an accurate reflection of reality--that the people they claim are reading articles really are reading them (and not just seeing their subject lines on a menu) and that the total readership of the net was accurately guessed. Here's an excerpt from Brian Reid's Usenet Readership Report for June '92. The numbers for the 12 most popular groups are the estimated readership and the percent of people who read the group. 1 280000 12.2% misc.jobs.offered 2 250000 10.5% misc.forsale 3 220000 9.4% alt.sex 4 220000 9.2% rec.humor.funny 5 180000 7.7% news.answers 6 170000 7.3% rec.humor 7 160000 6.9% misc.forsale.computes 8 160000 6.9% news.groups 9 160000 6.7% news.announce.newgros 10 150000 6.4% rec.arts.erotica 11 150000 6.3% misc.jobs.misc 12 140000 6.0% comp.graphics Estimated total readership of the net, according to these figures: 2,300,000. (280,000*12.2%) Now, assuming that there is zero correlation between the readership of these twelve groups (which makes calculation possible, although it is unrealistic, because most of the misc.jobs.misc readers also read misc.jobs.offered), and that we can post to any group we want (not true, since some of these are moderated): We can calculate the number of readers we would get from a massive crosspost by subtracting each of those percentages from 100%, multiplying them all together, and subtracting that from 100%. A cross-post to the Top 6 would have 1,000,000 readers (45% rating.) A cross-post to the Top 12 would have 1,450,000 (63.1%!) Now, in reality, these figures would be lower, because of the overlap between similar groups, and because you'd have to omit things like rec.humor.funny (unless you're forging the post.) Without data on how the groups' readership correlates we can't figure out how much to correct for that, of course. To show how influential that factor is, if you multiply the percentages for the top six groups--to get the number of readers who read ALL six--you get 1.4 estimated readers! I'm sure a lot of people, especially admins, read all the popular groups. It should still be possible to post something to enough groups that at least a million people will be exposing themselves to it. I refuse to try on the grounds that it would be obnoxious. However, I predict that soon some weenie cascader will. Don't we live in exciting times? -- K. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [here, a.r.k was nearly a year old] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Relative popularity of our candidates on Usenet Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.politics.kibo, alt.politics.bush, alt.politics.clinton, alt.politics.perot Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1992 06:25:43 GMT [] According to the September Usenet Readership Report, which Brian Reid has posted to news.lists, the following groups stack up in this order: alt.politics.clinton is the most-read alt.religion.kibology alt.politics.bush alt.politics.perot alt.politics.marrou is the least-read (The newsgroups alt.politics.kibo and alt.politics.libertarian are not listed in the statistics for some reason. See news.lists for all the figures.) Now, obviously, what these stats show is that: (A) Kibo is more popular than the President. Yay. (B) When Clinton drops out of the race, Kibo will win. (C) There is a conspiracy to keep alt.politics.kibo from being listed with the other statistics. I bet that Perot weenie is behind it. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Mike Jittlov discovers statistics when a.r.k is two and a half years old and has 87,000 estimated readers] From: Mike Jittlov (jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu) Subject: Who are you, Green Person? Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.dave-barry, alt.fan.douglas-adams, alt.tv.mst3k Followups-To: alt.fan.mike-jittlov Summary: It's a mystery Keywords: Jittlov,wizard SubSubject: And what are you doing in this newsgroup? Date: 16 May 1994 20:13:37 GMT From the Gumby Email Avalanche: >How did you find out that 56,000 people subscribe to your news >group? We didn't even know you existed until you crossposted in It constantly amazes me that so _many_ people don't realize how famous I am. Though I must admit, even _I_ was unaware of my own ripple of renown, until NetGod *Kibo* alerted me to "news.lists" -- and I ploughed through a posting even longer than one my own, to learn The Awesome Truth (see below)! (BTW we're a bit higher now ;) From: Brian Reid (reid@decwrl.DEC.COM) Newsgroups: news.lists Subject: USENET Readership report for Apr 94 Date: 3 May 1994 12:06:00 -0700 Organization: DEC Network Systems Laboratory Lines: 3203 Summary: data for all groups Keywords: arbitron, statistics, full +-- Estimated total number of people who read the group, worldwide. | +-- Actual number of readers in sampled population | | +-- Propagation: how many sites receive this group at all | | | +-- Recent traffic (messages per month) | | | | +-- Recent traffic (kilobytes per month) | | | | | +-- Crossposting percentage | | | | | | +-- Cost ratio: $US/month/rdr | | | | | | | +-- Share: % of newsrders | | | | | | | | who read this group. V V V V V V V V 87000 645 60% 5346 3911.7 59% 0.04 1.5% alt.religion.kibology 71000 527 58% 1168 1662.3 9% 0.02 1.2% alt.fan.douglas-adams 69000 512 60% 879 1689.4 1% 0.02 1.2% alt.fan.dave_barry 67000 491 58% 321 613.0 8% 0.01 1.1% alt.fan.mike-jittlov <-* 65000 482 60% 979 1213.5 10% 0.01 1.1% alt.fan.howard-stern 61000 453 52% 3199 5558.3 39% 0.06 1.0% alt.rush-limbaugh 61000 451 49% 1733 2360.1 1% 0.03 1.0% alt.tv.melrose-place 60000 446 41% 453 5933.6 1% 0.05 1.0% alt.sex.fetish.feet 60000 443 60% 372 529.1 24% 0.01 1.0% alt.tv.tiny-toon 58000 430 57% 808 718.8 59% 0.01 1.0% alt.society.civil-liberty 55000 409 62% 671 1224.2 0% 0.02 0.9% alt.recovery 55000 405 55% 4198 8916.8 3% 0.12 0.9% alt.tv.mst3k Actually, it IS rather incredible that "my" newsgroup even exists, let alone makes it this high on the scale. Its namesake has no daily TV show, has no press agent or manager, has written no books, has no visible Life and and doesn't charge $100 for his autograph. Kinda makes you wonder about UseNet subscriber priorities. (Kinda makes ME wonder...if I had a dollar for every subscription...) ___________________________________________ __ ._`.*.'_._ ____ ____ Mike Jittlov - Wizard, etc . . + * .o o.* `.`. +. . Hollywood, California, USA ' * . ' ' |\^/| `. * . * ` jittlov@gumby.cs.caltech.edu (: May All Your \$/ Good Dreams . + <& alt.fan.mike-jittlov> and Fine Wishes /_\ Come True:) .`. ================================================ _/ \_ ============::::. Coming soon to a.f.m-j: "SAVE THE WIZARD MOVIE!!" Postcard Campaign! "Friends don't let friends access the InterNet" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [A few months later, a.r.k has moved down to 43,000 readers -- consequences of the massive flamewar with rec.org.mensa, or due to changing estimates of the Internet's size? I have no idea.] From: Eric Walker (modemac@netcom.com) Subject: USENET Readership Newsgroups: alt.slack, alt.religion.kibology, alt.discordia Date: Fri, 22 Jul 1994 21:24:58 GMT From: Brian Reid (reid@decwrl.DEC.COM) Newsgroups: news.lists Subject: USENET Readership report for Jun 94 Date: 14 Jul 1994 08:34:47 -0700 This is the full set of data from the USENET readership report for Jun 94. Explanations of the figures are in a companion posting. +-- Estimated total number of people who read the group, worldwide. | +-- Actual number of readers in sampled population | | +-- Propagation: how many sites receive this group at all | | | +-- Recent traffic (messages per month) | | | | +-- Recent traffic (megabytes per month) | | | | | +-- Crossposting percentage | | | | | | +-- Cost ratio: $US/month/rdr | | | | | | | +-- Share: % of newsrders | | | | | | | | who read this group. V V V V V V V V 414 57000 722 60% 831 1.1 36% 0.02 1.5% alt.slack 654 43000 566 58% 3008 2.2 57% 0.04 1.1% alt.religion.kibology 1531 15000 229 49% 1016 2.4 13% 0.11 0.5% alt.discordia / \ | | + -- Of the 3121 newsgroups monitored by this report, the ranking of the newsgroup - i.e. alt.slack was ranked #414. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- [no stats in this article from the beginning of a.r.k's third year, but it is the first time I publicly bemoaned the cessation of the stat-keeping. Incidentally, I think 1994 was the year it became Eternal September and thus it would be a good date to select to represent the year the "real world" discovered the Internet. Incidentally, the "Wired" issue with me as the centerfold -- towards the end of "Wired"'s first year -- came out around the time this article was written.] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The year the Net Broke Newsgroups: alt.online-service.prodigy, alt.culture.usenet, misc.misc, alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 10 Dec 1994 07:01:47 GMT In several groups, article <3c30sf$c97@doc.jmu.edu>, lee s. bumgarner (LSBUMGAR@vax1.acs.jmu.edu) wrote: > I've heard that recently Howard Stern has become aware of the Net. This happens "recently"? He's been talking about his CompuServe account for years. > just as Kibo gets himself on the front page of a Boston newspaper. Stern's > recent comments to me sybolize how far the Net has developed past being the > pleasent little secret of Netheads. If Stern starts to wade in full force, ie > recording non-FCC regulated InternetRadio versions of his show, posting a lot > to alt.fan.howard-stern, then popularization of the Net will be even more fully > at hand. > > Kibo is becoming the Net's answer to Stern. Stern will probably be bemused by > how much more popular He who greps is on Usenet than The King of All Media is. alt.religion.kibology and alt.fan.howard-stern had roughly the same number of readers about two years ago, but one of them's been steadily moving upwards since then. Guess which. (Someone should pull out the archive of news.lists stats and draw nice bar graphs of which groups have been growing the fastest. Heck, someone should volunteer to *compile* current stats, since nobody seems to be posting them to news.lists any more, which is a shame, because they're the only real information we've ever had about how many people care about which newsgroup.) We also should come up with a scientific method of determining whose ego is the biggest. Of course, my mere existence may also mandate the invention of some new numbers to measure it with. (The mere fact that I can joke about having the biggest ego in the world proves that I'm actually quite humble, despite the fact that I HAVE THE BIGGEST EGO IN THE WORLD.) > While Stern is often goes for bathroom humor, Kibo is more apt to just cynicly > make fun of everything, including Kibology itself. Kibology is just the kind Kibology isn't even worth making fun of. I prefer to make fun of bathroom humor. I hate it when creepy guys use words like "DOODIE" in an article cross-posted to alt.online-service.prodigy, which is a FAMILY newsgroup! > of thing that middle aged newspeople would get enough of a chuckle out of to > end a broadcast with. The day I hear "Kibo" on headline news is the day I know Well, I'm glad *someone* gets a chuckle out of it, though I'm kind of puzzled by this reaction. By all rights, newscasters should do stories about "It's more popular than anything worthwhile on the Information Superhighway. Will Kibology sneak into your home over the phone and molest your pets while you sleep? KIBOLOGY, CULT OF POINTLESSNESS, next on DONAHUE!" I recently gave a reporter from Channel 5 (WCVB, "Chronicle") some choice soundbites, so we will get to see (in about a month) whether they go with the "Look how cool this funny 'Kibo' guy is and how everyone loves him" (I hate that) or the "Kibo warns of imminent death of the net, film at 11" angle. Personally, I'd just like to know what's 'funny' about alt.religion.kibology. I find it about as funny as, oh, alt.sex. > the average joe-sixpack is interested in the Net. > > It is interesting how infecious Kibology has become. While Stern's followers > are apt to make rude,crude, sociably unacceptable comments on call in shows, > Kibologist normally do nothing worse than troll for newbies or crosspost in > weird ways. Or slap "Kibo Inside!" stickers on other people's Pentiums, or plant stories in the media, or hold parties where they watch bad movies made by insane people, or offer Kibo large quantities of money for doing product placements. ONE OF THESE IS WISHFUL THINKING, UNLESS IT'S THIS ONE. > [...] > Another aspect of the popularization of the Net is how the newsmedia is > beginning to absorb it into their world view. More than one article recently > has stated that the Intel's current PR problems would not be so bad if > newspeople weren't reading Usenet grepping for stories ideas. This too will > probably get Kibo well know beyond the Net. Hey, I had nothing to do with breaking the Pentium chip. My specialty is breaking input devices. Speaking of which, it's about time for this keyboard to mysteriously fail. (The mouse already had its turn last week.) > Lastly, let's address the online services. Prodogy will early next year > introduce a new version code-named "P2" according to the Wall Street Journal, Hey, enough with the bathroom humor! "Pee number two" indeed. We must band together to w*pe out infantile drivel! > Please Note. > this essay is not to be taken to terribly serious. Just some thoughts on the > current situation. I'll take it terribly serious[ly] (note pointless grammar nitpick just to show I'm more pedantic than you are) if I want to, thank you, because I take everything too seriously. It's one of my trademarks. This means I can sue anyone else who does the same. The Net: Making It Easier To Sue Everyone. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Incidentally, the keeper of the statistics, Brian Reid, was the chief instigator of AlterNet, which was an alternative distribution channel for Usenet articles created in opposition to somewhat linear existing structure of the "backbone cabal". Lee Bumgarner has written a FAQ detailing some of that period in Usenet's history. -- K. I AM SO BORING BORING BORING * The first asterisk is where I became boring. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fun frog facts Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:10:44 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In the Christian Science Monitor, Ruth Walker wrote: > > When they swallow, some toads and frogs sink their eyeballs back > down into their heads to help push the food down their throats. Wouldn't it be easier for them just to use a ramrod? -- K. Or wrap some raw hamburger around a heartworm pill. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What Color Is The Sun Today? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:30:04 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > > > John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > > > > > The solar proton flux, measured in PUI, rose to about 2,500 PUI in the > > > late 1980s. The scientific community was very concerned about this > > > much energy reaching Earth. > > > > > > On Oct. 13 it measured 42,000 PUI! > > > > PUI! > > > > Solar proton flux is measured in PUI! > > And some day PUI will be too cheap too meter. That's because you would have to meter them with Alexander Abian's Cosmic Mass-Meter, which measures the mass of the Universe... with a giant bathroom scale. This would need to be at least as big as the Universe, so you would have to clear everything out of the west side of the Universe and fill it with half of the Cosmic Bathroom Scale, and take half a reading, then tear it down, move all the Universe's stuff into the west half, and construct the other half of the scale in the east half. Then you could simply add the two numbers together using Plutonium Arithmetic. Except that the resulting number would be too large for any brain to contain and your head would explode. This would, by default, make PUI too cheap (and messy) to meter, no matter how much a PUI is worth on the open PUI market. > Yes, I'll use a meme without knowing the origins or meaning because, hey, > it's a meme. Memes have origins or meaning now? Well, at least the best ones STILL don't have either. > Oh, and the followup I meant to use on that article - "This is a pencil!" How do I say "I have a red pencilbox" in English? -- K. And in clean underwear? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo Hobby Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:32:44 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Adam James Fitzpatrick (afitzpat@mail.usyd.edu.au) wrote: > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > I heard Kibo likes sticking his head into empty industrial size peanut > > butter containers and singing rock songs from the 80's. That's odd, I don't recall starting that rumor on my "Do What I Say!" page. Then it must be a real rumor and therefore true. > Preposterous! Especially the "empty" part! > I'm sure Kibo has better taste than to sing rock songs from > the 1980s, when he could be singing songs from the Space: 1999 soundtrack. Heck, I'm singing songs from the "Space: 1999" _laugh_ track. -- K. HA HA HA LOOKIT MARTIN LANDAU'S EYEBROWS NOT MOVING!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Family Circus" upset me! Wah! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:42:10 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > I've seen a poster recently promoting a forthcoming march against poverty and > hunger, illustrated with a picture of "Family Circus"'s own Dolly and Billy > stomping their feet on the ground, where written in big letters (sorry, Kibo, > can't ID the font off-hand) is the word "H U N G E R." Billy looks out in the > direction of the reader and says "Help us stamp out hunger!" Hey, a postcard of that arrived here today, too. I noticed that one of the small, imperceptible objects at the bottom of the picture -- possibly a can of expired yams -- said "WITH LOVE" in tiny Bil Keane letters. This immediately led me to yell, "I'M NOT STAMPING ON HIM, I'M LOVING HIM WITH MY FOOD! DO I HAVETA HAVE ANOTHER M&M? CAN I HAVE MOUNDS?" but it turned out not to be embarrassing because I was at home and nobody heard me, I am so glad nobody found out. > I certainly support the cause, and understand the appeal of using famous > Kute Kids to promote this event. But Dolly and Billy's aggressive posture > and behavior troubles me, especially Dolly, who doesn't even acknowledge > our (the readers') presence, and with her eyebrows slanting intently, > seems ready to land her size 5s directly on the Giant "H"! I would put a scan of this picture in the Best Of A.R.K 1999 Phase II book (to be published in January 2004) except I think the postcard already got thrown out because I assumed that the picture was too stupid to make fun of on alt.religion.kibology. BOY, DO I FEEL LIKE A SCHMO. I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON, I WILL NEVER THINK ABOUT DONATING FOOD AGAIN. > Do you think Bil Keane maybe has a lot of bad feelings inside he's not > sharing except through his art? That's Gary Larson. Also I'm sure the person who draws "Sally Forth" would do the same if they could draw. Have you heard they're trying to make a "Sally Forth" prime-time cartoon series? TV would be less stupid if they'd just let Little Billy program the network for a week. > Sean ("Did I mention Billy and Dolly also are naked? Good. They're not") Smith She's called Dolly because she's going to grow up to get implants and because THE NEXT ITEM IN THE STACK OF MAIL WAS A CATALOG OF DOLLY PARTON WIGS! (I checked a bunch of boxes at "Internet Catalog Mart" to receive free catalogs, and apparently they decided I need to buy some wigs. Hey, just because I'm going to go bald someday doesn't mean I gotta look like a GIRL!!!) -- K. The Internet Catalog Mart was also responsible for bringing me The Sausage Maker's catalog, until he died. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: THE LAST GADGET FOR THE END OF THE MILLENNIUM !!!!!!!!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:51:36 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.taco-bell, R.Coletti (c_c4@hotmail.com) attempted to advertise: > > Subject: THE LAST GADGET FOR THE END OF THE MILLENNIUM !!!!!!!!!! Oh, good, I was waiting for them to invent something so that we could stop with all this 1999 crap. So what is it, a calendar accelerator? A "9" eraser? A new form of Roman numerals that mistakenly represents all numbers between 1900 and 1999 as 2000? > A cappuccino used to be something really special, it's not anymore. Oh. And I was honestly expecting this to be the first ever Usenet article that lived up to the promise of its subject line. But it's just about silly cappucino. The kind made by those monks who got their name because they dress up like monkeys. THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THEM MONK-EYS! > If you want to make it something special in 0,5 sec. come and visit > our site. > > Suprise your customers with creativity in less than a second. I'm sorry, but I just farted on your advertisement. For half a second. -- K. Ten times. Within five seconds. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I spilled my mountain dew Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 5 May 1999 08:56:51 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A WebTVer responds to another one bragging about how he deliberately spilled his Mountain Dew. This WebTV-emitted rant is worth framing. In alt.food.taco-bell, "the chillie cheese burito man" (SPOTSTER@webtv.net) wrote: > > you losser that really hurts why dont you next time throw some napkins > all over the floor. i got some news for you hey thats apart of their > job to clean up after little kids like you . guess what they get paid > to clean up ,you do not grt paid to mess (stupid) by the way you just > helped them get a check by geting a md to drink. also your the one that > looks goofy as hell cause you cant hold to a drink spilling it in front > of god and everbody. DUMB dumb DUMB whos laughing now mindless > wonder. i know i am ha ha ha ha you are stuipd i got six words for > you get a job and SUCK IT. This is where Paul Lynde yells "OH WHAT A ZINGER! I'M THE SECRET SQUARE!" and then God spills his Dr Pepper over Paul Lynde's head. I will spare you the agony of his HTML signature that plays music, you wouldn't want to see it anyway because it's all soggy because I spilled Clamato all over it. -- K. My favorite WebTV tag: ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Top Ten things I love about csma Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 06:37:50 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [a completely serious discussion of whether the Amiga is still a serious competitor to Atari's dominance of the high-end computer market] The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) writes: > > > > Thingfishhhh (Thingfishhhh@yahoo.net) wrote: > > > > > > "The Amiga isn't dead, it just smells funny" > > > > I used to think the Amiga was alive, but I'm beginning to think they've > > just put sunglasses on it and propped it up on a chair. I personally concluded, years ago, that the people who made "Weekend At Bernie's" should be forgiven, because they obviously made it solely so they could make "Weekend At Bernie's II", the *idea* of which is far funnier than either film could possibly be. ("LOOK! IT'S ANOTHER FILM WHERE THE PREMISE IS THAT HE'S *STILL* DEAD!") I admire the craven chutzpah of the film studio that spent a few million dollars on CONCEPTUAL ART! This is why nobody saw "Weekend At Bernie's II". Not because it was a lame teen comedy that even teens though was like way lame. But because it was a pretentious concept piece that only played art-house theaters. And that only dead people would go see. > Also, that new Amiga thing they're coming out with is apparently just > like an iMac, except grey, and with the word "Amiga" stencilled on the > side in crayon. "Like an iMac without the pretty colors"? Next you'll tell me it's also like a WebTV only without the TV. -- K. I'd rather have a WebTV without the Web, unless Fox is showing "Weekend At Bernie's: The Series". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Top Ten things I love about csma Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 06:55:36 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Also, that new Amiga thing they're coming out with is apparently just > > like an iMac, except grey, and with the word "Amiga" stencilled on the > > side in crayon. > > The iMiga! (SUDDENLY THE NAMES "AMIGA" -- WHICH STARTED OUT AS AN ACCESSORY MAKER FOR THE ATARI 2600 -- AND "IMAGIC" -- WHICH WAS A GAME COMPANY FOR THE ATARI 2600 -- COLLIDE, DESTROYING THE FUN OF THE ATARI 2600 FOREVER, THUS ATARI COMPUTERS NEVER COME INTO BEING, WHICH WOULD LEAD AMIGA TO DOMINATE THE PERSONAL COMPUTING MARKET FOREVER EXCEPT THAT THEY DON'T EXIST EITHER BECAUSE THEY BLEW UP.) This scene, kids, is an accurate re-creation of how Windows came to be dominant in the world today. I JUST HOPE BeOS, THE SECOND MOST POPULAR OPERATING SYSTEM, HURRIES UP AND MAKES BILL GATES GO BROKE!!! > It doesn't have a floppy drive! Yes, and to make it more pathetic, it doesn't even NOT have PCI slots! > It doesn't have a hard drive, but you can stick one to it > with velcro. It supports USB -- the Universal Sidecar Bus. The Velcro is also used as the sound-effects generator. GAMES SOUND RIPPIN' GOOD! > It comes with a built-in AM radio and an earphone! I can't wait until they change standards and go to that new BM radio. Then CM and C++M. > It comes in 16.7 million different colors-- and it also > comes in 16.7 million more colors, half as bright as the > first 16.7 million. And you can choose any color you want provided it's got either the same R and G components as the one the previous guy bought, or the same R and B components, or the same B and G components. And smells like sliced ham and/or spiced ham. > Free genlock to the first 100 customers who know what a > genlock is. It's the thing Martin Landau had to fire at the door from across the room to make the door open. DU-UH! LEARN ABOUT THE PRESENT STATE OF COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY BY WATCHING EERILY PRESCIENT SCI-FI TV FROM THE SEVENTIES, DUDE! HOW DID GERRY ANDERSON GET THE YEAR RIGHT? HOW DID HE KNOW IT REALLY WOULD BE 1999 NOW? THE iMAC -- IT'S WHY 1999 WON'T BE LIKE SPACE:1999! -- K. I also liked how this year Apple actually tried to make a sequel to that commercial, with Douglas Rain talking about last year's Y2K disaster, but they mixed the surround sound weirdly so it came out with HAL 9000 saying, "Mummm ummm mum muh ummm ummm muhhh!" And it got slower and slower at the end and then Heywood Floyd turned into that guy from "seaQuest". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.jeremy-reimer From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Help me start a NEW CULT for fun and profit! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 07:44:30 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Jeremy Reimer (jreimeris@home.com) wrote: > > I'm trying to prioritize my life, so that I only waste massive amounts of > time on certain things that waste massive amounts of time instead of wasting > massive amounts of time on other things that also waste massive amounts of > time (like typing massive amounts of time five times in one sentence!) > > Now, we all know the story of Kibo, and How Kibology Came To Be. We read it > to our dear children every night. What a wonderful world it is, where a > typographic designer with a goatee and a grep utility can be featured in > Wired Magazine! > > Because of this, and because of Kibo's Vast Success(tm), I've decided it > would be neat to duplicate his efforts and his achievements for no apparent > reason or purpose. However, I realize that it will take a lot of time and > energy, and may not ever actually work. But damn it could be fun to try! > > THEREFORE, aNd ERGO.. > > What do I need? > > 1. A cool name. Kibo could not be Kibo without the letters K I B and O, in > that order. So I think I need a new name, that I can insert into my real > name, like this: Jeremy "Newname" Reimer. And so that I can sign my posts > with a -- X. (Where X is the letter that starts my New Name(tm). So let's > start the nominations! How about 'Jeremy "Name/2" Reimer'? It's got kind of a nice ring to it. Failing that, change your name to "Jeremy_-_Reimer" and then, because your middle name is "-", you could sign your posts "-- -." > 2. A new newsgroup. Why, you ask, should I clamor for ANOTHER wasted > newsgroup when I already have alt.fan.jeremy-reimer?? Well, for starters, > how far would Kibology have gotten if all we had to post in was > alt.fan.james-parry? Nowhere, that's where. Also, this new newsgroup could > use my New Name from #1 (above), as in, alt.religion.newnameology. Please > don't take this literally, I don't want to come to Usenet tomorrow and see > "alt.religion.newnameology" along with the other 40 bogus new groups of the > day. alt.religion.almost-as-good-as-kibology.but-not-really.so-there I see a great need. (I call dibs on you saying "I TOO SEE THE GREAT NEED!" so that I can yell "I THREE THE GREAT NEED!" and you'll be tricked into "I EIGHT THE GREAT NEED!") > 3. Followers. Ye few, ye merry bande of men... Some followers would be > nice. I don't need that many, and they don't have to follow all that much. > Just post, really, is all that I would want. > > It does sound like a lot to ask, when you put it like that. BUT WAIT! I've > already got some of the things I need! > > 1. Web space. I've filled up my web site with lots of crap, and I still have > about 3 megs left. Plenty of room for "Newnameology", I think. I could even > register a domain http://www.newname.com (again, not literally, I need the > actual _name_ first!) You could combine item #3, "just post", with item #1, "a .com" to get the dot-com-post you deserve. AND REMEMBER, SUN PUTS THE OMP IN COMPOST!!! > 2. Search utility tools. Okay, it's not grep, but Dejanews is fine. I'll > gladly search Dejanews for my New Name if that's at all required (or even > relevant, as Kibo stopped doing this in about 1993!) Really? Maybe I just stopped replying because YOU'RE A LOSER. Not that I'm intimating that you're a loser. I'm just saying that I stopped replying that you're a loser. I'm not saying that you're a loser *independent* of me not replying to you. > 3. A real religion! (See my web site) The Church of Scooby Doo is the > official Religion of Newnameology already. It's got a God, a Messiah, a > Bible, and heretics. Soon there will be splinter groups and holy wars. It's > inevitable! I don't know, I think anyone who plinters away from alt.religion.kibology is already too marginalized to splinter farther. It would be like slicing Archimedes Plutonium's brain in half down the middle and asking which half now has the most personality. And me, I'm the guy holding the hard-boiled egg slicer. > 4. Enemies. While usually I try to be lighthearted and goofy, or even > rational, most people only remember the Guns and Canadians thread and > crossposting horror story, or some half-joking post about facial hair. With > these two things alone, I have made all the enemies I could ever need or > want. And what's a new religion without enemies? Me, I try to be serious and goofy. > So come on, join the fun as You Too could be part of the latest copycat craze > to hit the Internet! All it needs is a catchy name, and I'm quite willing to > take it from there. > > Ideas? No, they aren't. HA HA I STOLE PAT PROFT'S ONLY JOKE!!! SO MUCH FOR LESLIE NIELSEN APPEARING IN A "STAR WARS: EPISODE 1" PARODY NEXT SUMMER!!! -- K. And it would be called "Airplane Wars!" and would feature William Shatner in a role written for Martin Landau. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: if you wear clean shoes and your feet don't smell Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 07:51:54 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > I know it's spring again because I hear the beepy, electronic strains of > "Turkey in the Straw" wafting through the air again from a source that > remains undeterminable. That's because God is everywhere, and He loves his handheld electronic square-dancing game. > I've tried to locate the source of the beepy, electronic "Turkey in > the Straw" in the past, but in vain. I once even heard it when I was > at GTCC. AND THEN SOME TRANSFER RNA BOUND TO YOU AND GOT ITS URALINE IN YOUR CYTOSINE! "G…DEL, ESCHER, BACH" WAS RUINED! > My mom claims it's an ice cream truck, but it starts too early in the > spring and ceases too late in the fall to be an ice cream truck like > those I've ever known. Yeah, maybe it's one of the many other kinds of trucks that drive around in non-winter seasons with beepy electronic Klaxons blaring the first four bars of "Turkey In The Straw" over and over. Do you have a Shriners hospital nearby? Maybe it's a little clown ambulance. > And the thing that drives me nuts is that it doesn't even play the entire > melody, just the antecedent phrase looped over and over again. The one that's worse is "The Entertainer". One of the local invisible ice-cream trucks that follows me around here plays the "DEEDLE-DEE-DEE, DEE DEE DEEDLE-DEE-DEE" part over and over without ever getting to the "DEET DEET" at the end. This is, perhaps, the most likely to cause endless repetition in your brain of any arrangement of any tune, even taking into account the Muppets' rendition of "Mahna Mahna" and the two bars of "Baby Elephant Walk" from the game "New Rally X". -- K. DEEDLE-DEE-DEE, DEE DEE DEEDLE-DEE-DEE, DEE DEE DEEDLE-DEE-DEE, DEE DEE DEEDLE-DEE-DEE, DEE DEE DEEDLE-DEE-DEE, HA HA NOW YOU'VE GOT IT IN YOUR BRAIN TOO!!! AND THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE IT STOP IS TO BUY A CHOCO TACO!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I want your support 8296 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 08:00:48 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor bzuuym@hotmail.com, who forgot to supply a Real Name, spammed: > > Hello Everybody! Goodbye, Nobody! (SOUND OF A "/ [0-9]{3,8}$/j" REGEXP BEING DRAGGED FROM "alt.binaries.*" TO "*") > I saw somebody posted a message few days ago. REALLY? OH MY GOD I PREDICT THE IMMINENT DEATH OF THE INTERNET A DAY EARLY!!!! -- K. /^\*[^A-OQ-Z][^A-KM-Z][^A-NP-Z][^A-MO-Z][^A-JL-Z]\*$/ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Fun Fact. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 08:05:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor At this very moment, this computer is displaying a little status window that tells me at the bottom that the computer is turned off. -- K. Apple really should make iMacs filled with Orbitz. I'd pay to watch one of those swirl around. But I'd probably drink it all the first day. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fun Fact. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 23:54:21 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At this very moment, this computer is displaying a little status window > > that tells me at the bottom that the computer is turned off. > > What? Oh my God, man -- drop to the floor and cover your head! You should > _never_ post to USENET, and especially not ARK, when your computer is turned > off! It'll start sparking and spitting smoke, and you'll have to shout > "Damage control party to the bridge!" Then nobody will come and you'll be > so embarrassed you won't be able to show your face in a Christy's Market > every again! First off, there are no more Christy's outlets, although all the "fresh" sandwiches they sell at the 7-Elevens still have "Christy's" price tags. (I made the mistake of buying a can of apple juice at a local 7-Eleven and by the time I got home it had turned into STINKY CIDER!!!) Secondly, a more cogent piece of advice to be gleaned from my experience is "NEVER BY ANY INTEL-PENTIUM-BASED PRODUCTS MADE BY APPLE, AND VICE VERSA!" > > Apple really should make iMacs filled with Orbitz. I'd pay > > to watch one of those swirl around. But I'd probably > > drink it all the first day. > > Give a man a computer filled with Orbitz, and he can drink for a day. > Give a man a magic faucet and he can drink until next Tuesday, at least! Someday I will have the money to have a stick-on forehead faucet custom-made so that I will be the life of the party. How it will be different from the ordinary LAME kind is that, when you pull it off your forehead, it will leave a big red blob of blood, and spring-loaded spikes will pop out of the back of it. And little pieces of plastic brain should be stuck to them, too. Then I'd shout, "OKAY, WHO ELSE WANTS TO WEAR THIS FUNNY FUNNY FAUCET? I THINK YOU'LL AGREE THAT WITH THIS STUCK TO YOUR FOREHEAD YOU'LL FEEL FUNNY!" -- K. And then a banner saying "BANG!" would pop out of my ear. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.politics.theory,sci.physics,sci.chem,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium seeks a new account Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 08:18:31 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.politics.theory, sci.physics, sci.chem, and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Subject: Archimedes Plutonium seeks a new account There's no accounting for taste. But there are LOTS of accounts for demented mad scientists! Right over there on WebTV! I humbly INSIST that you run right over to Sears and get yourself a WebTV. (Don't be suckered into paying extra bucks for the WebTV Plus just because it's better, you should just get the WebTV Classic. Because it's Classic, and therefore better than anything that's not classic.) > http://www.dartmouth.edu/~atom/ > > Archimedes Plutonium Archimedes Plutonium PLEASE STOP SEARCH-ENGINE-BOMBING THE POOR HELPLESS ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM! > I seek an organization such as a science organization, or > science research organization, preferably with one of my > friends listed below, say Karl Heuer, or Bob Bruner with > Berkeley, or Tony Pelletier of Scripps or Nick Bennett of > Cambridge. Or one of the edu > of University of Cincinnati or Utah State University where > I was an alumnus. So, basically, you're asking us to ask your four friends listed above? Geez, just 'cause you're King Of Science And Logic doesn't mean we have to send your E-mail for you. > For the purpose of housing my homepage and for Internet log-on access > to post my science thoughts. Just be sure not to home your housepage by mistake. > Need to be able to log-on anywhere in the world. A WebTV is very small and you could take it with you quite easily when you jet away to your private island somewhere between the English peninsula and that school in Australia where you were a math teacher. > Willing to negotiate. I'll give you a home page for only $10,000. > The location of the > Science and Engineering work of Archimedes Plutonium > > The location of > my autobiography and stock market history > > --- begin old website (to be revamped and moved) --- > Hi! My name is Archimedes Plutonium. That is my legal name after > several name changes. My hereditary bloodlines go back to the math > genius Friedrich Engel of Leipzig (who worked with Sophus Lie) on > my mother's side Johanna Engel and to the math genius Johannes > Weidmann (Widman) also of Leipzig on my father's mother side > Babette Weidmann. And none of this is as important as the > recognition that I am the reincarnation of rebundled photons/ > neutrinos soul of Archimedes 1st, the ancient Greek king of > engineering, physics, and math. So, if the soul is made of photons, when you eat Wint-O-Green Life Savers in the dark, are the sparks signs that the candy has a soul? I say so, because this opens up the possibility that candy has more of a soul than you do. > I am Archimedes of old and that is the reason for my first name. > The reason for my last name will become obvious to you if you > read about the Atom Totality theory. ATOM ATO SURPRISE!!!! THE END. -- K. P.S. Really, Archie, WebTV is ready and waiting for you. You'd have to learn how to make your signature bigger, though. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.politics.theory,sci.physics,sci.chem,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium seeks a new account Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Thu, 6 May 1999 23:45:44 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology David Bromage (dbromage@fang.omni.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In talk.politics.theory, sci.physics, sci.chem, and sci.math, > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > > > Subject: Archimedes Plutonium seeks a new account > > > There's no accounting for taste. But there are LOTS of accounts for > > demented mad scientists! Right over there on WebTV! > > Don't you mean > > > WWW WWW WWW bb TTTTTTTTT VVV VVV > WWW WWW WWW bb TTTTTTTTT VVV VVV > WWW WWW WWW eeeee bb TTT VVV VVV > WWW WWW WWW ee ee bb TTT VVV VVV > WWW WWW WWW ee ee bbbbbb TTT VVV VVV > WWW WWW WWW eeeeeee bb bb TTT VVV VVV > WWW WWW WWW ee bb bb TTT VVV VVV > WWWWW WWWWW ee ee bb bb TTT VVVVVV > WWW WWW eeeee bbbbb TTT VVVV > > ? Close, but no cigar. Make it blurry, and flickery, and hum "Macarena" through a kazoo while staring at it, then you'll have captured the full WebTV experience. Oh, and the letters should be bigger. > > > http://www.dartmouth.edu/~atom/ > > > > > > Archimedes Plutonium Archimedes Plutonium > > > PLEASE STOP SEARCH-ENGINE-BOMBING THE POOR HELPLESS ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM! > > Why? He never stopped. Also, he's never said he stopped beating his wife. > > > I seek an organization such as a science organization, or > > > science research organization, preferably with one of my > > > friends listed below, say Karl Heuer, or Bob Bruner with > > > Berkeley, or Tony Pelletier of Scripps or Nick Bennett of > > > Cambridge. Or one of the edu > > > of University of Cincinnati or Utah State University where > > > I was an alumnus. > > > > So, basically, you're asking us to ask your four friends listed above? > > I think he's asking us to ask them if they really know him. I find the idea that people could have contact with Archimedes Plutonium and yet not _know_ him interesting. It's not like it's easy to forget a guy named "Archimedes Plutonium" wearing a shirt that has "Archimedes Plutonium" written on it who goes around posting articles that start with "Archimedes Plutonium Archimedes Plutonium". I mean, are these people somehow mistaking him for Clint Howard whacked out on tranya? (And pleeeeease say you didn't mean "really know him" in the Biblical sense.) > > Geez, just 'cause you're King Of Science And Logic doesn't mean we have > > to send your E-mail for you. > > Maybe he's (finally) lost email access himself? You mean Dartmouth can > finally remove the complaints filter? I doubt it. He's just afraid 'cause they threatened to fire him after he repeatedly complained that his three-cents-an-hour pay raise is too small. And I agree, three cents an hour is too small, even for him. He deserves a fourth cent. And a 10% discount at the campus Pizza Hut Express. > > > For the purpose of housing my homepage and for Internet log-on access > > > to post my science thoughts. > > > Just be sure not to home your housepage by mistake. > > Or any of the numerous paorides thereof. IT'S MEAN OF YOU PEOPLE TO BE ALWAYS PARODYING ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM! YOU SHOULD DO A SATIRE, A LAMPOON, OR A PASTICHE INSTEAD ONCE IN A WHILE! > > > Need to be able to log-on anywhere in the world. > > > > A WebTV is very small and you could take it with you quite easily when you > > jet away to your private island somewhere > > Preferably one without any form of communications whatsoever. Okay, let's file a petition to get Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary private island moved to the center of a soundproof, airproof, electromagnetically shielded sphere at the center of Jupiter. With a "DANGER -- ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM INSIDE" sticker on it. > > between the English peninsula and > > that school in Australia where you were a math teacher. > > It was called Monash University. Hmm. But he said he taught high school. Are you implicating that Monash is similar to Schenectady County Community College and thus is a remedial high school mistakenly labelled "university"? (Actually, a close reading of his biography, "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", since retitled "Archimedes Plutonium: The Special One", indicates that he was _living_ in a Monash University dorm while teaching at Nurwood Heights High School.) -> I was teaching math at Burwood Heights High School, East Burwood, a -> suburb of Melbourne, Victoria. My first term started 9th of Sept 0034. -> It was difficult because it was at the end of Australia's school year -> with the Australian summer coming up in December. And the pupils were -> undisciplined since they only had substitute teachers prior to me. In -> addition to being a new teacher, my first term in teaching was -> compounded for the worse by the fact that I had taken over a class -> where the original teacher had departed and I entered a class which was -> unruly and hard to shape-up. And just think, by now that entire class of Australian high school students has entered the job market. And maybe, just maybe, some o