Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium seeks a new account Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 7 May 1999 06:41:49 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Bromage (dbromage@fang.omni.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > David Bromage (dbromage@fang.omni.com.au) wrote: > > > > > > Don't you mean > > > > > > > > > [snip big webTV] > > > > Close, but no cigar. Oh, if only WebTV could be smoked. And smelled as good as a cigar. > > Make it blurry, and flickery, and hum "Macarena" > > through a kazoo while staring at it, then you'll have captured the > > full WebTV experience. > > I'm sure some people enjoy that sort of thing. Those on acid trips, for > example. That's why the instructions say that when setting up your WebTV, you must lick the special Mickey Mouse temporary tattoos that come with it. And then stick them on your eyeball. And then stare at the sun for six hours. (Once I stared at the sun for fifty-nine straight hours, but this doesn't count because I was in outer space.) > > Oh, and the letters should be bigger. > > I'll reset my screen to 132 columns and try again. I keep thinking that Usenet would be more fun if the user interface were Tetris. Not only would all postings be limited to about ten columns, but whenever you got a line fully-justified it would go "GLOINK!!!" and vanish. And then a tiny Archimedes Plutonium would dance arround in a Cossack hat and a safety pin would yank him off the side of the screen. > > > I think he's asking us to ask them if they really know him. > > > I find the idea that people could have contact with Archimedes Plutonium > > and yet not _know_ him interesting. > > I shall ponder this for a whole 3 microseconds before dismissing it as not > worth my time. At my next job, I'm going to demand to be paid a penny a millisecond. I said *a* millisecond, not *all* milliseconds -- the pay rate doubles each successive millisecond. I figure then I'll just have to work there about 3 seconds and the world's economy will collapse, just as Harry Stephen Keeler proved would happen if John Jones put a dollar in the bank and waited a few thousand years and everyone else in the world forgot that banks existed and never deposited more than a dollar. I AM THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS READ HARRY STEPHEN KEELER'S SCIENCE FICTION AND HIS MURDER MYSTERIES! BOW DOWN BEFORE MY ENCYCLOPEDIC KNOWLEDGE OF HARRY STEPHEN KEELER, WHO WAS LIKE ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM AND ISAAC ASIMOV ROLLED INTO ONE! > > (And pleeeeease say you didn't mean "really know him" in the Biblical > > sense.) > > That did occur to me as an afterthought. I had to take an antacid. Mmm, formic! > > > Maybe he's (finally) lost email access himself? You mean Dartmouth can > > > finally remove the complaints filter? > > > I doubt it. He's just afraid 'cause they threatened to fire him after he > > repeatedly complained that his three-cents-an-hour pay raise is too small. > > And I agree, three cents an hour is too small, even for him. He deserves > > a fourth cent. And a 10% discount at the campus Pizza Hut Express. > > Plus one free anchovie per month. Archie deserves better than that, too. He should get a free durian. Every day. And whenever there's a day where he doesn't finish his durian ration, starting the next day his rations are PERMANENTLY DOUBLED!!! > > > > Just be sure not to home your housepage by mistake. > > > > > > Or any of the numerous paorides thereof. > > > IT'S MEAN OF YOU PEOPLE TO BE ALWAYS PARODYING ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM! > > YOU SHOULD DO A SATIRE, A LAMPOON, OR A PASTICHE INSTEAD ONCE IN A WHILE! > > We've already done dramatic irony. (SYD FIELD ENTERS FROM STAGE LEFT. HE SETS A DOZEN STICKS OF DYNAMITE UNDERNEATH A CHAIR. THEN HE SETS A WHOOPIE CUSHION ON IT. HE PLACES AN iMAC ON A TABLE IN FRONT OF THE CHAIR AND SETS UP A SIGN SAYING "THIS MACHINE GIVES OUT GERMAN CHOCOLATE CANDY WHENEVER YOU POST TO THE INTERNET." HE EXITS. THE CURTAIN GOES DOWN FOR AN HOUR. THERE IS A MUFFLED EXPLOSION.) Ha! Ha! I have mentioned Syd Field, Isaac Asimov, and Harry Stephen Keeler in the same article! All I need to do to complete the tying-together of all the world's culture is to mention that "Robot Monster" and "Citizen Kane" used the same stock footage from Hal Roach's "One Million Years B.C."! > > Okay, let's file a petition to get Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary private > > island moved to the center of a soundproof, airproof, electromagnetically > > shielded sphere at the center of Jupiter. With a "DANGER -- ARCHIMEDES > > PLUTONIUM INSIDE" sticker on it. > > Upon which you'll receive a "look and feel" lawsuit from Intel. Naah, I'm pretty sure I can demonstrate that "look and feel" is public domain because the "Jabberwocky" theme song contains the lyrics "looking and feeling, shrinking and peeling, smelling cheese with your hearing". (DAVID BROMAGE, YOUR NAME SOUNDS LIKE CHEESE!) > > > > between the English peninsula and > > > > that school in Australia where you were a math teacher. > > > > > > It was called Monash University. > > > Hmm. But he said he taught high school. Are you implicating that > > Monash is similar to Schenectady County Community College > > and thus is a remedial high school mistakenly labelled "university"? > > When I attended Monash as an undergraduate in the early 90s, the legendary > Ludwig stories were still around. I understood he was also a tutor there > at some stage, although that could have been just in the dorm. Wow. This means that now I have verified that _two_ of the facts in Archie's autobiography are true: (1) he actually went to Australia, and (2) he ate his own poop. I wonder if the parts about him being revived 3000 years in the future to save the Earth from alien invaders with his chess-playing skill are also true. > > I would be more impressed if Archie's "work" was the _only_ stuff > > Nature wouldn't print. But they also don't print five-dimensional > > interactive holographic smellograms, and I'd like to think that > > his work isn't as important as five-dimensional interactive holographic > > smellograms. > > The editor of Nature informs me that the only five-dimensional interactive > holographic smellograms he ever received was of Archie's underwear. Also, Archie's underwear is topologically equivalent to a torus with eight holes. And five stains. And a sticker that says "PRESS". > > > I doubt that an .edu account is likely. Educational instutions generally > > > restrict such accounts to employees, and mostly (Dartmouth excepted) > > > employees who actually do something useful. > > > But Archie *does* do something useful, although I suppose that even if > > he gets those dishes perfectly clean I still wouldn't be willing to eat > > off them, so I suppose we'll have to file this in the gray area between > > "not useful" and "technically useful but repulsive". > > So.... somewhere between blue jello and luminous condoms? Yes, Archie's job is as the human equivalent of a condom made of blue jello. > -> [this stuff was written by Ludwig Plutonium in 1993] > -> > -> I am a lurker of this newsgroup usually. But I have a serious > -> question to ask, for I notice a few posters of alt.religion.kibology, > -> notably Mr. Bulhak is from Australia. > > Some of you will remember Mr Andrew "Sodium Carbonate" Bulhak, the most > evil person on the net. He also ran the Great Monash Save The VT220 > Terminal Campaign. He's not the most evil, he was only the winner of an opinion poll about who was most evil. The most evil person on the Internet would be a tie among the 5,000,000,000 people who didn't vote for me, plus Bob Hope no matter which way he voted. > -> 1974-1976. I am looking for reliable information on Pharlap the > -> racehorse. Do not laugh but I am convinced I was Pharlap in one of my > -> past lives. I believe I had two hearts, > > I can assure you all that Phar Lap only had one heart. It's in a bottle of > formaldehyde here in Canberra. And I thought Hormel chili only came in cans. > -> I think the Melbourne racetrack has a museum. > > "The" racetrack? he lived there and can't remember more than one? > There's Flemington, Moonee Valley, Caulfield and Sandown. Which one did he > have in mind? He has a one-racetrack mind. > -> I believe there is a museum there in > -> Melbourne which can provide reliable information. > > The Museum of Victoria has Phar Lap's body (just the skin, really) and his > heart is in Canberra. Must have been a terrible explosion. OUR MUSEUM LOOKS LIKE PHAR LAP BLEW UP!!!! -- K. And here's another choice quote from the 1993-era "Ludwig Pu, The Chosen One": -> Pharlap, I now realize by 0052 that I was you in your life. A fraction -> of my life waves were your rebundled waves. I now know that in one of -> my previous lives before Ludwig Plutonium, that I was Pharlap. I went -> to Melbourne, Australia to teach in 0034-0036, but I could have found -> my first teaching job many other places in the USA. No, the Protons had -> cast the die, I must do my first teaching job in Melbourne Australia in -> order that I would see where I had run in my previous life when I was -> Pharlap. The ATOM's interconnections are subtle and very difficult to -> fit together but once one sees an interconnection in life, what appears -> as a coincidence, a random event, it is not so. These coincidences are -> a direct staring into the eyes of the Protons. And again, when I was in -> the Navy in 0045, the -> 283 -> Protons again made me see where I had run in Mexico near San Diego. -> That was the main reason that I could never have been stationed on the -> East coast, because I had run the Agua Caliente, and the Protons were -> going to make me see, where I had run before in my life. Where I had -> run in my life as Pharlap. -> 0052 -> Dear Pharlap, -> Some of your waves are in me now. Before I die, I will make sure -> you are brought back to life in the future, along with me. I will -> collect every piece of you (of me) before I die. All of your hair, all -> of your artifacts, our hair, our artifacts. And via biotechnology, -> Pharlap, I will bring you back to life. And you (me) was made a -> gelding, an ominous sign, another sign that perhaps I am staring in the -> eyes of the Protons. That in my present life, perhaps Protons have seen -> fit, to also, that I, like you, Pharlap, must biologically not -> reproduce. That I must heed the sign of the Protons and not have any -> offspring. The die was already cast, perhaps I will go to my test-tube -> grave never to reproduce. ATOM, if that is its will, thy will be done, -> on Earth, as it is in the Nucleus. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Branestorm Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 7 May 1999 06:55:33 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Until we see some porn involving toaster pastries, we're not thanking > *anybody*. Okay, here's what I have so far: I would star Bert and Ernie. Bert would be upset that Ernie was eating Pop Tarts in their bed, getting crumbs all over. And at one point, Cookie Monster would grab Ernie's steaming hot Pop Tart and shove it in his mouth, but in typical Cookie Monster fashion he'd just crush it in his felt mouth and bits of it would fall out both sides, and Ernie would say "THAT'S THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES!" and Bert's one eyebrow would go wayyyy up as an offscreen tromboner played "WOMP, WOMP, WA, WA..." and then the porn music resumed. -- K. I hear the second "Star Wars" prequel will be named "THE OFFSCREEN TROMBONER". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Star Wars Intelligence Scale. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 7 May 1999 08:23:11 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Where do YOU rank on the intelligence scale of "Star Wars" characters? Starting with the most intelligent beings: * Yoda. (So smart, he's hard to understand.) * Obi-Wan Kenobi. (Smart enough to be smug about his impending death 'cause he knew he'd come back in an improved glowing form.) * Darth Vader. (Evil genius, and you gotta admit, he's stylin'!) * Lando Calrissian. (Hey, you're obviously real sharp if you get put in charge of a floating city despite the fact that everyone else in the galaxy has pink skin.) * C-3PO. (Talks with a British accent.) * R2-D2. (Thinks making whoopie-cushion noises is funny.) * The average "Star Wars" stormtrooper. * The average "Dark Forces" stormtrooper. (They walk slowly towards your gun, while carefully avoiding passing behind obstacles that might provide cover. They prefer to shoot at you when other bad guys are standing in front of them.) * The average "Yoda Stories" stormtrooper. (They mill about aimlessly, wear short pants, and more more spastically than Tetris blocks.) * That stormtrooper who hits his head on the door. * Leia's hairstylist. * The chimp inside the "Daggit" suit. * Anyone who spends 24 hours a day for three weeks so they can see the movie two hours sooner than the guys in the next batch. -- K. You know, this is one of those cases where I might actually be interested in going to see the film if that act wouldn't lump me in with a bunch of drooling fanboys. So I'm gonna go see the "Battlestar Galactica" movie instead. I HOPE I'M THE FIRST ONE IN LINE FOR THAT ONE! AND IT WOULD BE EVEN COOLER IF I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN LINE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumb injury of the day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 7 May 1999 08:36:34 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I scalded my bellybutton today while cooking curry topless. Will someone please top that, so that the above sentence won't embarass me? -- K. It was REALLY HOT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb injury of the day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 07:56:57 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Crystal Cotrone (ayla@taz.toon.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I scalded my bellybutton today while cooking curry topless. > > Oooh... I can beat that one. > > I was making a cake for Easter. I'd taken a shower while it baked, > subsequently, when the time came to remove the cake from the oven, I > donned my trusty Tigger bath towel and attempted to perform this trivial > task. What ended up happening went something along the lines of: > > 1) Test cake's "doneness" with a toothpick. > 2) Bend down and remove cake, resume upright position, lose towel > 3) Attempt to catch towel in the same motion as putting the cake > somewhere, knock 99 toothpicks onto the floor with the cake pan. > 4) Step on a pointy toothpick wedged into the towel, jump around on one > foot, directly into a cat's water dish, and then burn my hand on the > cake pan. > > Cake's done, I'm naked with a burnt hand, one wet foot, and one puncture > wound on the other foot. *AND* the cat's mad at you. (Unless she's already acquired a taste for human flesh. "Mmmm... foot-flavored water!") So I'd say that, yes, you win... but only provisionally, pending a full description of whether the cake hit the floor right-side up or the way it invariably lands. Also, the embarrassing part of that story is that while you were naked, Dustin Hoffman stood there counting the 99 toothpicks. -- K. Was the towel from K-Mart? In Seattle? Was Dustin wearing your underwear? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: It finally happened. All proper nouns have been used up. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Fri, 7 May 1999 08:52:09 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stop'n'Shop's fake Hawaiian Punch comes in five flavors: red, orange, green, blue, and purple. You know, the same as the iMac. But because they're a food product, they can't legally call the pink one "strawberry", whereas it's perfectly legal for Apple to claim their computers are made out of 100% natural fruit with no electronic components. So, because Stop'n'Shop couldn't claim their five flavors of colored water with chemicals were fruit juices, they had to make up wacky names for them. But apparently Kool-Aid and Hi-C and Juicy Juice and Hawaiian Punch and Wyler's Funny Face and so on have bogarted all possible names that aren't stupid. Stop'n'Shop's five colors are named: STEGASAURUS ORANGE But I thought the only kids who knew the names of all the dinosaurs were also smart enough to refuse to drink anything named by a moron who couldn't look up the correct spelling of "Stegosaurus". (Also, Price Chopper sells frozen "Stego Slices", which apparently is pizza shaped exactly like a stegosaurus who is a featureless rectangle. LEGGO MY STEGO!) GRAPE-A-DON Then Don King went running down the street, shouting "GRAPE! GRAPE!" and the policeman said, "Don't you mean RAPE?" and he said, "No, there was a bunch of them!" BERRY DACTYL This one's kind of obvious; Shaw's also has a Berry Dactyl drink, although they use a different naming scheme. (For instance, Shaw's has a "Lizardy Citrus Cooler" which tastes truly lizardy.) SABER BLUE TIGER You see, it's a tiger whose blueness is pointy. It's, yeah, like oh so, you know, wow trippy. TASTE THE RAINBOW. EXPAND YOUR MIND. SNIFF THE UNSCENTED MAGIC MUSHROOM. PEED SKILLS! COOLY SAURUS Oh, fine, Wyler's gets in trouble for its Funny Face Chinese Cherry drink, but Stop'n'Shop can still get away with ethnic slurs against all Asian-American dinosaurs who wear hats that are shaped as differently from Abraham Lincoln's as possible. I won't tell you how any of those taste, because I didn't buy any. I did, however, buy a can of blood sausage soup. It's soup with sausage in it. And the sausage has blood in it. It's a clever way to embed a liquid inside a solid inside a different, less disgusting liquid. -- K. Hunt's Snack Pack really should have a Blood Pudding flavor. MADE WITH 100% SKIM BLOOD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It finally happened. All proper nouns have been used up. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 09:07:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > GRAPE-A-DON > > I don't get it. Is it supposed to be a pun on "Mastodon"? Do they > pronounce "grape" with the same "a" sound as "mast"? What country are > they from? The one where the dinosaurs live. The purple squishy dinosaurs that cause cavities when you eat them. And scoot around inside your microwave if you puncture their skin first. This article looks like the Patty Duke Show. -- K. -- Patty. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It finally happened. All proper nouns have been used up. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 09:05:15 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > out of 100% natural fruit with no electronic components. So, because > > Stop'n'Shop couldn't claim their five flavors of colored water with > > chemicals were fruit juices, they had to make up wacky names for them. > > > > STEGASAURUS [sic] ORANGE > > Well, unless it's really made with stegosaurus juice, then they > can't call it "Stegosaurus Orange". Like "creme donuts". Or worse > yet, "kreme". Fortunately for them orange is a color. Someday the food industry will catch on to the "ORANGES ARE ORANGE AND SO ARE MANY SULFUR AND MERCURY COMPOUNDS SO WE CAN SAY TANG IS 100% ORANGE!!!" concept and start inventing new names for foods so that they can stop putting food in the ingredients in the food. "Hey, this says this is a garlic bagel but it tastes like Styrofoam!" "Didn't you hear? Garlic is now a color, and Styrofoam is very garlic!" > > BERRY DACTYL > > Geez, I could come up with better names than these drunk. Observe: > > BERRY BERRY (with added thiamine) Kix already comes in "BERRY BERRY KIX", which causes me to giggle whenever I don't buy it. Although I will admit it's better than Stop & Shop's fake Trix with the Gelatinous Blue Underwear Bird who is still having a "NAME THE STOP & SHOP PARROT" contest even though all entries have to be submitted by 1996. > GANG GRAPE The favorite cereal of Kling Gons who live in Long Guy Land. YOU'LL DIE OF GLOTTAL SHOCK!!! > CITRUS CRAZE I'd prefer something along the lines of "CITRUSSIAN ROULETTE". It would have orangey bits, lemony bits, limey bits, and DEADLY BITS!!! > MOUNTAINBERRY MANIA CHUCK BERRY! FREE BATHROOM-CAM HIDDEN INSIDE!!! Except he'd sue them, so they'd have to call it something different, like UPCHUCK BERRY! HELLO, I ARE DICK DeBARTOLO! > PSTRAWBERRY PSYCHOSIS With psarkly psrinkles! > ORANGEY OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER Next you'll tell me that Schented Play-Doh's EXPLORANGE doesn't make you a better explorer when you eat it. > -Joe > PS: ANAPHLACTIC SHOCK So take two PROLAPSEDREC TUMS. -- K. You're just jealous that I have a can of blood sausage soup that someday I might eat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: International Tragedy In The News! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 07:21:07 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Well, it finally happened. Today in Yugoslavia, NATO dropped their usual planeloads of bombs. One mistook one building for another and blew up the Chinese embassy, another went off course and destroyed a hospital, a third landed in the middle of a marketplace, and of course NATO knocked out all electrical power to everyone in the country. But fortunately none of those activities hurt any civilian targets. Except... One cruise-missile went slightly, just slightly, off course and crossed into Luxembourg, where they were filming "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie". Several members of the cast and crew were blown to bits, but fortunately Richard Hatch survived. Script rewrites are being frantically undertaken to add a scene to explain why Apollo will have a steel I-beam protruding from his forehead for half of the movie. "It hasn't affected his performance at all," said the director. -- K. And the best part is that Richard Gere was visiting the set of the movie when it blew up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: International Tragedy In The News! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 05:16:45 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Today in Yugoslavia, NATO dropped their usual planeloads of bombs. One > > > mistook one building for another and blew up the Chinese embassy, another > > > went off course and destroyed a hospital, a third landed in the middle > > > of a marketplace, and of course NATO knocked out all electrical power > > > to everyone in the country. But fortunately none of those activities > > > hurt any civilian targets. Except... > > > > The opening of one of the news shows around here included the > > brilliant line "Civilians in Yugoslavia killed by bombs: could > > NATO be at fault?". > > And the AP wire article will end with "Bombs are things that explode." Explosions are bad. NOW STAY TUNED FROM THIS SPECIAL REPORT FROM DRIBLICK'S FURNITURE STORE WHICH IS HAVING ITS MOST AWESOME HASSOCK EXPLOSION EVER! DRIBLICK'S FURNITURE! OUR PRICES ARE SO LOW YOU'LL THINK YOU WERE BOMBED BY NATO! -- K. Fortunately, today the President apologized to the Chinese citizens that were killed, and promised not to kill those same people again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: International Tragedy In The News! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sun, 9 May 1999 04:35:25 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Script rewrites are being frantically undertaken to add a scene to explain > > why Apollo will have a steel I-beam protruding from his forehead for half > > of the movie. "It hasn't affected his performance at all," said the > > director. > > That should be an easy one to write. Everyone knows that all spaceships > everywhere in every galaxy, even spaceships of joint Minbari/Vorlon > manufacture, have large, heavy I-beams loosely attached to the ceiling of > each room, so that they can come loose and crush people when the spaceship > gets hit by enemy fire and starts shaking around and sparks come out of > the control panels and set fires. Most of your better ships are equipped > with artificial gravity expressly for this purpose. But what about the handfuls of plaster dust, Matt? What about the hoses that emit high-pressure dry ice fog? And what about the soap bubbles and laughing gas that come out of the flying roulette wheel in "Casino Royale"? UNTIL SCIENCE CAN EXPLAIN CASINO ROYALE TO ME, IT ISN'T ANY GOOD. -- K. Syntactical ambiguity, your friend. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.tv-nation,alt.tv.game-shows.price-is-right From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A fantasy of mine. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 07:38:55 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology BOB BARKER: So, where are you from, Michael? MICHAEL MOORE: I'm from Flint, Michigan. BOB BARKER: Are you excited to be here on "The Price Is Right", Michael? MICHAEL MOORE: Gosh, yes. I never thought I'd be on a TV program this popular. BOB BARKER: And do you know why you're here, Michael? MICHAEL MOORE: Frankly, I have no idea. BOB BARKER: You're here to play the RANGE FINDER game! Doesn't that make you happy, Michael? MICHAEL MOORE: Absolutely nothing would make me happier. BOB BARKER: And, tell him what he could win, Rod Roddy! ROD RODDY: Bob, Michael is playing to win... A NEW CAR! It's a brand-new Model Year 2000 Buick Opel in exotic pooptone brown! With power steering and California emission! Another fine product of General Motors! MICHAEL MOORE: Wow, and I never thought I'd drive a GM car again. BOB BARKER: Now, Michael, this is the RANGE FINDER game. (A TEAMSTER pushes the Range Finder apparatus onto the set and leaves it between MICHAEL and BOB.) BOB BARKER: Michael, this is the RANGE FINDER. When I say 'Go', the plastic RANGE FINDER will climb slowly up this scale from one dollar to twenty thousand dollars. And then that red plastic doohickey, you see it right there, THAT red plastic doohickey, is within seventy-five dollars of the price of the car, you've got to press that button, THAT red plastic button right over there, to STOP it. You've got to STOP IT, Michael! But, Michael, BEWARE! BEWARE! Don't GO OVER and absolutely DON'T STOP THE RANGE FINDER TOO SOON BECAUSE ONCE YOU STOP THE RANGE FINDER WE CAN'T START IT FOR TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! MICHAEL MOORE: Oh. But don't you tape five shows every day? BOB BARKER: Yes, but those five shows every day are twenty-four hours apart. IT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO START THE RANGE FINDER AGAIN WITHIN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS, BY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND OF GOD! MICHAEL MOORE: Okay, I'll buy that. BOB BARKER: Ready, Michael? Okay... on your mark... get set... GO! (A four-note tune begins playing over and over as the Range Finder's slider slowly creeps up from the bottom, activated by a Teamster flipping a knife-switch behind the gameboard. MICHAEL immediately slams the red button, stopping the Range Finder at two dollars.) BOB BARKER: Oh, Michael! Ohhhhh, Michael! I think you stopped the RANGE FINDER tooooo sooooon! Audience, did he stop the RANGE FINDER toooooooo soooooooooooon? AUDIENCE: BOO! YOU'RE A MORON! BOO! MICHAEL MOORE: Yes, but you see, Bob, I could just restart it. BOB BARKER: No! The RANGE FINDER cannot be restarted! It is inviolable and immune to such tampering! MICHAEL MOORE: Then you won't mind if I just reach around here and flip this switch because, if you're right, nothing will happen. BOB BARKER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (MICHAEL throws the switch.) (STOCK FOOTAGE: NUCLEAR EXPLOSION) -- K. A rough draft of this ended with a little girl pulling off daisy petals, saying "four... three... two... one..." while the Range Finder music played. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: For those of you meeting me tomorrow... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 07:51:02 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor For those of you meeting me tomorrow... PLEASE DO NOT LAUGH AT MY HAIRSTYLE, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. -- K. Step 1: Take off glasses so you can cut your hair. Step 2: Run electric clippers with the 3/4" plastic blade guard over your head. Step 3: Finish, and take the plastic blade guard off to clean the clippers. Set clippers down and start tidying up. Step 4: Notice a tuft of hair sticking up and reach for the clippers to fix it. Step 5: Tell the Internet about your mistake. Give them fair warning that you will kill anyone who laughs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Serious question. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 07:52:24 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor People who work on dental patients are called dentists, so why can't I call people who work on mental patients be mentists? -- K. GET MENTOS FROM YOUR MENTIST, THEN GO SEE YOUR DENTIST. MENTOS: THE CAVITYMAKER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SEE MY GIANT PECAN LOG ROLLS on Stuckeys.Com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 08:24:26 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.taco-bell etc., "JasonHodge" (jasonhodge@aol.com) spamvertised: > > Subject: SEE MY GIANT PECAN LOG ROLLS on Stuckeys.Com For once, I am glad a post *didn't* live up to its "Subject:" line. -- K. It's the opposite of a Nut Goody. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Minds And Keys. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 08:55:42 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor One of the residents down the hall has locked themselves in for the night with their keys hanging from the lock on the outside of their door. I am now trying to construct a computer simulation that will predict how many minutes she'll frantically search for her keys before her brains explode. "THEY MUST BE IN HERE, I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I HAD TO HAVE HAD THEM TO UNLOCK THE FRONT DOOR WHEN I CAME HOME!" I will call this duration "time P", because they keys have a pink tag. (Because she's female, and women have to be surrounded with color-coded pink things so that if they ever forget they're female they can just check their keys.) Once we know the length of time P, this will allow us to model other real-world situations involving cards that say "please see other side" on both sides, and the installation of internal CD-ROM drives. -- K. Also, today there was a drunk woman in the elevator who thought I was doing a LOT of LSD because I was coming up from the basement with a large jar of GRANULAR WHITE POWDER as well as a detergent scoop, my laundry-machine smart card, and a clear trash bag filled with warm clothes. She was so drunk that she was spilling her beer all over, FROM A CAN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My favorite condiment... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 09:23:00 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor My favorite condiment... ...is currently... ajvar. I just like saying "ajvar" because it's not an acronym. It's from Bulgaria. Know how the big box of 16384 Crayolas includes several that are in the "red-hyphen-orange" to "orange-hyphen-red" range? Well, if red is north and orange is west, ajvar is the Crayola to your north-north-north-north-west. Only fluorescent. And edible. And spreadable. And Bulgarian. It goes GREAT on chicken strips, unless they're from Trader Joe's. Nothing can save Trader Joe's Movie Theater Butter Flavored Chicken Nuggets. -- K. Not even Batman WITH super powers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dude: BACON PIZZA! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 09:34:24 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "NightGaunt J Smith" (ngaunt@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > The cafeteria today had BACON PIZZA among the usual Friday dinner selection. This is where I do my impression of Frank Welker morphing into a green octahedron that shouts "YESYESYESYES!!!" while, in the distance, Bruce Boxleitner fumbles and drops his magic Frisbee. > I don't mean pizza with crumbled bacon as a topping, but pizza with > crumbled bacon as the ONLY topping (OT cheese and tomato sarce,) and really > really dense. Okay, I don't know whether you're talking about Scientological cheese that's Clear and has reached Operating Thetan stage, or cheese tunneling through AppleTalk via Open Transport's Streams interface, but you're talking about cheese, AND YOUR CHEESE JUST RUINED MY IMAGINARY BACON!!! GET YOUR CHEESE OUT OF MY MIND TO ALLOW ME TO ENJOY MY PRETEND BACON PIZZA!!! Then we'll work on doing something about the tomato sauce, but I can live with it for now. But cheese is the deal-breaker. GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK! > Like the cook was leaving a layer of bacon on everything in hopes of > finding footprints of little bacon trolls. Please stop making fun of Archimedes Plutonium's kitchen behavior. > I had to wipe the grease off my skin an hour after eating the stuff. Yeah, well, yo momma's so greasy that when she walks past an aviary they call in Greenpeace to wipe off the birds! > I think this pretty much makes all other discussion on this group pointless. BACON MAKES POINTLESSNESS. > Too bad they didn't have TOAST PIZZA. TOAST POINTS TRUMP BACON'S POINTLESSNESSMAKING. > I'd eat that right up. Mmmm. Well, if you like Bacon Pizza and toast, wait'll you hear what I have in the refrigerator: 1. Refrigerated precooked pizza crusts. Aka Big Circular Toast. 2. "Pizza-style" Canadian Bacon. These are little pink things the size of quarters, only sliced thinner. They're apparently "chunked & formed". WHO KNEW THAT HORMEL HAD A WAY TO CHUNK & FORM HAM? Anyway, for a few days I've been planning to put those together with some artificially-beef-flavored spaghetti sauce and NO CHEESE DAMMIT to make the perfect pizza. I was also planning on putting on some alcaparado and some ajvar 'cause I've got them in the fridge too, but first I have to eat the rest of the curry I made last night with the eggplant and the garbanzos. I JUST SAID AJVAR AND GARBANZOS IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH! SCHENECTADY! NOUGAT! GONDOLA! WALLA WALLA! LARD! -- K. I'll eat any food that sounds wacky. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dog Grooming Hell Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 09:49:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "c willgren" (cwillgren@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Dog Grooming Hell. Is that possible? It is now.> > > [...] > > Now, my mom is going to pick up Teddy (IF SHE'S EVEN THERE) and SHE > MIGHT BE TOTALLY SHAVED. Well, as long as Teddy's okay, it doesn't matter if your mom's bald. > [...] > > -- > c willgren > > "WebTV makes EVEN MORE SENSE when you're ALONE AT HOME > WITHOUT A DATE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!" - c willgren AND YOUR LIFE IS VERY SHORT BUT STILL REAL SLOW AND FULL OF BEEPING NOISES! -- K. So why doesn't my WebTV work when it's hooked up to my radio? After all, TV is just radio with pictures! WebTV is just radio with dirty pictures! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's totally TASTIC! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 09:56:16 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Brack!" (guruzoo@hotmail.com) wrote: > > http://www.ixl.com.au/tastic.html > > Looks like someone's marketing department owes Kibo all the world's candy. Okay, let's send my Virtual Lawyers there and see what they find: [from the aforementioned Web page] -> -> There is an IXL Tastic to suit your bathroom. Oh, great. They want me to have a robot a generation more primitive than 2XL in my bathroom, AND I DON'T LIKE HAVING ROBOTS WATCH ME GO TO THE BATHROOM! This is because I'm not Conan O'Brien in the OTHER UNIVERSE where robots watch him go to the bathroom on The Robot Who's Not Conan O'Brien Show. By the way, Conan keeps going on about how in Ireland all the meals have 50% Guinness stirred into them, and it really does give beef stew an extra zip. -- K. I refuse to get a Tastic for my bathroom. I'm sticking with my existing Tarded. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: How to be a Sexist Bastard(tm) ...part one. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 10:04:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > Inflatable Space Bunny (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > > > Mammals rule! Pisceans drool! > > > > I think we all know who the bigot is here. > > > > Some of my best friends are fish, and I'll have you know most of them do > > not drool. The one we have at the office definitely doesn't drool. He's so vicious that he doesn't have TIME to salivate before he bites your finger off. > > And even if they did, it would be a little hard to tell, don't you think? > > Unless they drank Gatorade, then their drool would be fluorescent green > and/or orange. Not to mention what would happens to the water in the tank if they ate lots of BooBerry and grape Kool-Aid. And you thought that was algae. -- K. Inventor of a Whoopee Cushion for fish ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.discordia,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Science & religion Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Sat, 8 May 1999 10:08:51 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.discordia and alt.religion.kibology, "Arbane the Terrible" (arbane@soho.ios.com) wrote: > > What does this have to do with alt.discordia? YAY! I SEE THE DANCING NEON BEARS COMING OVER THE HORIZON! -- K. Will someone please write lyrics for the bears' song for me? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Truck With Millions of Bees Crashes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 05:12:08 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In clari.local.maine and clari.news.animals, in article (Abee-truck-crashURDAH_9y9@clari.net), "AP" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > Dear Ap, Bees ain't animals. However, if a bee truck crashed into me I _would_ yell "URDAH!" > FALMOUTH, Maine (AP) -- A truck carrying millions of bees > overturned on a highway ramp Sunday, leaving its cargo buzzing > around the wreckage and closing down the roadway for nearly eight > hours. The only exit from the ramp was an escalator, which broke and the bees were stuck on it for eight hours. Fun factoid: Yesterday when I was in the subway there was an escalator which caught fire. Clouds of black smoke were coming out from between the steps where the evil green light normally peeks out. Unfortunately, it was too inoperative for me to ride it, otherwise I would now be writing a bestseller titled IT WAS ON FIRE AS I HELD ITS HANDRAIL. With about six words on each page. None of which would be as long as "handrail". > ``There was one big swarm of bees over the truck, like a big > black cloud,'' said Falmouth Patrolman Edward Roberge. Meanwhile, on the other coast, a tiny black cloud of one bee two feet across went unnoticed. Until the bee knocked over the Space Needle. > State police said the flatbed tractor trailer turned over on its > side around 10 a.m. while heading north along a connection between > the Maine Turnpike and Interstate 295 in this southern Maine town. > Equipment was brought to the site around mid-day to lift the truck > upright. > The truck was carrying between 400 and 450 hives, each home to > between 40,000 and 45,000 bees, according to Falmouth Fire Chief > James Robertson. He estimated there were about 20 million bees on > the truck. Provided that "between 400 and 450" means "exactly 450" and "between 40,000 and 45,000" means "no fewer than 45,000". > About five firefighters were stung, one as many as five times, > but none were seriously hurt, Robertson said. OH NO!!! ABOUT FIVE FIREFIGHTERS WERE HURT, ONE AS MANY AS FIVE TIMES -- THAT'S ABOUT 30 BEE STINGS!!! > Firefighters received tips from beekeepers who heard about the > crash. They sprayed the dumped hives with water to calm the bees as > they loaded the hives onto another truck in the late afternoon. > ``The bees think it's raining and they won't leave the hives,'' > Roberston said. HA HA HA THE DUMB BEES THINK IT'S RAINING JUST BECAUSE HUGE AMOUNTS OF WATER ARE FALLING ON THEM!!! I like how the firefighters didn't know what to do with the bees while they were standing there with their fire hoses until they talked to someone who suggested turning on their hoses. GENIUS!!! > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. > I have taken every letter of this article and stapled it to a different bee and I have now released the bees and if they just happen to swarm in exactly the form of this article you can't sue me so NYAH and BZZZZZZ! -- K. WHY was the truck carrying 40 beezillion bees, anyhow? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Truck With Millions of Bees Crashes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 05:24:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Michael Driscoll (fenris@ulf.edgemail.com) wrote: > > "Inflatable Space Bunny" (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > [Associated Press bee article] > > > > > > FALMOUTH, Maine (AP) -- A truck carrying millions of bees > > > overturned on a highway ramp Sunday, leaving its cargo buzzing > > > around the wreckage and closing down the roadway for nearly eight > > > hours. > > > > Any sufficiently silly item is indistinguishable from an Arthur C Clarke > > story. > > William Shatner IS > Jane Fonda AS > Isaac Asimov's Caliban IN > Arthur C Clarke's > > "THE APPROXIMATELY TWENTY MILLION BEES OF GOD" I'm confused. Did Gentry Lee ghostwrite for Ron Goulart, or did Jane Fonda get "Star Trek" cancelled because they didn't have enough pro wrestlers? And how exactly did Caliban from Asimov's "Twelfth Night" get into Ray Harryhausen's "Forbidden Planet"? MATT McIRVIN CAN EXPLAIN ALL THAT! IF HE'S A REAL MAN! -- K. He probably won't. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,sci.astro,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Date of Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation and date of blackbody Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 10:09:42 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.history.science, sci.astro, and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I would guess strongly, that the reason no-one from 1964 until > Nov1990 realized that blackbody radiation implied that the cosmos was > one huge atom, is because everyone of the physicists felt and thought > that the Big Bang theory could completely accomodate the radiation, > whether it was blackbody or not blackbody. AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS! AND THEY'RE PLAYING TUBAS THIS TIME! OOM-PAH-PAH OOM-PAH-PAH OOM-PAH-PAH OOM-PAH-PAH OOM-PAH-PAH! AND THEY'RE MARCHING IN PERFECT FORMATION IN THE SHAPE OF A PLUTONIUM ATOM! IN THREE DIMENSIONS! OOM-Pu-Pu OOM-Pu-Pu OOM-Pu-Pu OOM-Pu-Pu OOM-Pu-Pu OOM-Pu-Pu! > [...] > But, what is amazing about the history of physics from 1964 until the > end of 1990, is that non of these so called smart physicists stepped > back. And said to themselves, or asked themselves a very important and > beautiful question. Asked themselves, "is not blackbody radiation a > characteristic of an atom, and is the cosmos itself an atom?" But, Archie, plutonium atoms aren't black. Carbon atoms are black. Either the Universe is a giant carbon atom -- which makes you WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG -- or else you've SECRETLY DYED THE UNIVERSE BLACK!!! I commend you for the honest effort you put into dyeing the Universe black just to make the glowing dancing bears in your theories more obvious to us laypeople. > I am happy the the Lord Almighty did not have any wise physicists > from 1964 until the end of 1990, and saved the Atom Totality for me to > discover. AND THE BEARS HAVE WINGS AND STREAMS OF TINY TUBAS ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR EYES AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT! OOM-PAH-PAH OOM-PAH-PAH OOM-PAH-PAH OOM-PAH-PAH (except that now you can't hear it because the bears are dancing past at the speed of light as the Universe collapses on itself while simultaneously exploding and filling with refried bean dip.) > See, you really can never reconcile a blackbody radiation with a > non-entity of a Big Bang. For blackbody radiation to exist anywhere > means the source is atomic. And since the entire cosmos is blackbody > means the entire cosmos is one huge atom. > > Actually the Big Bang theory is not all wet. If it were, it would have been more of a sploosh than a bang. > It can be saved completely. The Big Bang theory is the Alpha particle > decay or Beta particle decay within a Atom Totality. Our present universe > of Plutonium Atom Totality was begot from a big bang alpha particle decay > of the previous atom totality which was a Uranium Atom Totality. (Everything gets all ripply as we see Archie's flashback: Somewhere in the previous universe, a nutty guy named Euclid Uranium is telling everyone that someday there will be a guy named Archimedes Plutonium, and nobody believes poor old Euclid.) > Atom Totality theory subsumes all of the Big Bang theory and makes > the Big Bang merely an alpha or beta particle decay inside the atom > totality. But the atom totality theory is rich with structure and > entities and histories and substance, whereas the big bang theory is > barren, empty. The big bang theory relies on nothingness, void, > infinite pressures and infinite energies and violations of all physical > laws. > > Prove, via Schrodinger Eq. that the 5f6 of plutonium yields the > numerical temperature of 2.71 kelvin. That the 5f6 cavity yields 2.71 > kelvin best of all electron cavities. > > Then, prove that the missing mass of the observable universe which is > the 5f6, fits the nucleus of 231Pu the best So, Archie, have you named all of those 231 stars we can see in the night sky with our powerful telescopes? > I thank the Lord Almighty (231Pu) that it did not make any wise human > physicists between 1964 and 1990. And I thank the Lord Almighty (23Skidoo) that He made the glowing dancing bears to protect us from Archimedes Plutonium. (SUDDENLY THE GLOWING SPACE BEARS SWOOP DOWN, FLAPPING THEIR WINGS OF FIRE, AND THEY CARRY ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM OFF TO A PLANET MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF CANDY... IN THE OTHER UNIVERSE, WHERE CANDY MAKES A BAD TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH IF YOU JUST TOUCH IT. THEN SOME MORE STUFF EXPLODES UNTIL GOD GETS BORED AND GOES HOME.) -- K. Hey, I'm getting bored. I should go home. But wait! I can't stop now! There's more! NOW HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY FOR THIS GIANT PLUTONIUM ATOM BIGGER THAN WEMBLEY STADIUM AND JAMES DOOHAN COMBINED? In a subsequent article, Archimedes Plutonium replied to himself: Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) writes: > > > > I cannot think of any other observations by astronomy that would > > imply the Atom Totality theory as quickly and easily as the blackbody > > CMBR. > > Except of course, my own path to the discovery, that the Night Sky of > stars and galaxies, those white dots are the white dots of the electron > cloud of an atom. This is why whenever you see electricity it's all white and stuff. Because electrons are glossy white. However, although this theory explains why electricity is easily visible in movies, it doesn't explain why it resembles caterpillars that crawl all over you for about a minute after you receive a shock. It also doesn't explain why in the future on "Star Trek" they never invented fuses to keep the killer electricity from popping out of all the control panels and chairs whenever the ship tilts on a curve. YOUR THEORY IS TOO LAME TO EVEN EXPLAIN FICTION! > My path is the actual path that humanity came to the Atom Totality theory. Please let the path have been through a big patch of poison ivy. Please please please. > [...] > > Since my first appearance on Internet, I have rarely talked about my > social history discovery of the Atom Totality theory and it is nice > that I begin to talk about it. Also, I never talk about how I keep calling you a pinhead. By the way, you're a pinhead. (It's okay for me to say that as long as I don't talk about the fact that I just said it.) > Here is my writing on my discovery and perhaps I should revise my writings. > Perhaps I should devote more time in 1999 to my websites than to Internet. Um, Archie, just out of curiosity, are you using the Web by carrier pigeon or telepathy? I figure you must be a whole lot smarter than me because you figured out how to use the Web without using the Internet, but I can't understand how this could be true, because your glowing fire bears from the eight dimension ate all the carrier pigeons, and I doubt you could be using the Web by telepathy because you're more the telepathetic type. > [...] > > On the discovery day I saw the dots as white stars but > later > as I would refine the theory, Let me guess, you realized that the Church was wrong and stars have five spiky points and not four? > I would realize that the electron dots > represented galaxies, one dot representing one galaxy and to refine a > galaxy dot you can pick out star dots within a galaxy dot. I... see. So the galaxy is a dot. And dots are hollow. And some dots are smaller than other dots. But most dots are still bigger than a planet because dots are smaller than atoms and the Universe is smaller than the big scary space atom. Just please try not to pick too many more star dots out of your galaxy dot or it'll never heal. -- K. CIRCLE CIRCLE DOT DOT NOW YOU'VE GOT THE ARCHIE SHOT BURMA SHAVE ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.theory,soc.history.science,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Newton's limbic system and other famous scientists Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Tue, 11 May 1999 10:27:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I am mostly concerned with Newton's limbic system at this time of my > life. Arch, your sexual fetishes are highly inappropriate for these newsgroups. Scientists hang out here. Please take your perversions to places where people are interested in sex. > I understand the limbic system is composed of the hypothalamus, and > the hippocampus where short term memory is vital, and of course the > brain stem that operates breathing and heart. That's odd, I seem to recall some other organ being involved in breathing. Its name is on the tip of my trachea... oh, yeah, "lungs". > I understand the limbic system is the most primitive part of the brain > and that the rest to the brain is like newer growth. Arch, that's just fungus. Maybe you should try leaving the house and studying a normal brain. One that does not have plutonium atoms drawn all over its forehead in magic marker. > And what I am wondering is that the human emotions of anger hatred > spite revenge rage fear originate in this limbic system. And that these > emotions would be negative for a scientist such as Newton. In that > their great discoveries or progress in science requires this beast of > the limbic system to be sleeping or dormant, at least that is what I > would think. That someone full of hatred could not do great physics for > his mind would be so cluttered up with these negative thinking that > science and physics thoughts would not flourish. Then how do you explain Mr. Rogers? By your logic he should be the GREATEST SCIENTIST WHO EVER LIVED but no, he's ON TV!!!! The presence of Mr. Rogers on my TV disproves your theory. And several others too. > However, I find out that the limbic system is the area for short term > memory and no scientist could really make progress without a healthy > short term memory for that is concentration. If there is one major > component in making progress in science or physics is concentration. I think science is more like Battleship than Concentration. "Pu-239." "You sank my p orbital!" > So, can someone comment on the above. It is a conflicting viewpoint, > of whether a scientist needs a dormant limbic system to concentrate > upon science. Or whether the limbic system must be fully active in > science in order to achieve great progress. Perhaps the limbic system > must be totally active and active in the science at hand. But if the > limbic system is active on "other humans" and not science, while trying > to achieve progress in science, then the limbic system is negative. And, in poets, the iambic system is dominant. > I had heard that Newton hated many people, including his own mother > and dreamed of burning her. Can someone comment on Newton's psychology I don't know, but I'm just glad you're a better scientist than Newton because you _never_ said you hated anyone or anything. [court-martial drama on the high seas: from "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", 1993] -> -> As a messenger to tell Montgomery that Morrell was bungling the -> General Courts Martial. Montgomery said "Get out of here or I will -> throw you out." I departed but saw Montgomery go hurrying out of his -> stateroom down through the Decks of the ship looking for Morrell. I -> could see that I had really upset the CO. It was this image of seeing -> how angry Montgomery was at me for what? For having really done nothing -> bad or wrong on my part. I realized from this scene that both the CO -> and XO had blacklisted me a long time ago. They wanted me out. And from -> that moment on I no longer cared for anything of this CO and XO. I -> wanted off the ship. Logic, reasoning, not even good plans could work -> against their hatred of me. That the longer I stayed on this ship the -> only thing I would learn well is how to hate. How to really hate other -> people. A consuming hatred. I wanted off of the ship with an honorable -> service. I only had what? Two years or less to go? I am tough Ludwig, I -> can hold out. Now it is just a marking of the calendar. I have lost all -> enthusiasm for the Navy. I will no longer try. What good is trying I -> will only be verbally attacked by Morrell or falsely reprimanded by -> Montgomery. Instead I will join the other junior officers and say bad -> things about the XO and CO. I will join in and encourage the enlisted -> to talk bad about Morrell and Montgomery behind their backs. About a -> week after the CO incident where he said he would throw me out of his -> stateroom. My visits to Morrell seemed to go better. No more verbal -> abuse, no more anger. Why was Morrell acting like a normal officer? [public Internet post, 1994] -> -> And, Kibo, just the other day I was sitting at a computer station -> when along comes a pretty blonde who sits next to me. It did not stay a -> pretty sight for long because shortly she started to twirl her hair, -> and play with it. And I was doing some physics and math. And I get -> upset over this behavior, just as I hate gum chewers popping bubbles or - > with their mouths open chewing like an animal. ["The Chosen One", 1993] -> -> I hate when I change my mind flippantly, especially on important things. -- K. "important things"? In Archie's brain? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony gives the world a robotic dog Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 08:38:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In ten newsgroups (clari.world.asia.japan, clari.tw.electronics, clari.tw.computers.misc, clari.tw.top, clari.tw.new_media, clari.world, clari.world.asia+oceania, clari.tw, clari.biz.front_page, *and* clari.news.photos), because it was so important, "AFP / Kiriko Nishiyama" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > TOKYO, May 11 (AFP) - Sony Corp. Tuesday unveiled its first > litter of robotic dogs that can play, bark, talk and even develop > their own personalities, but cannot die. That's because when you buy them THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!!! I just hope they don't have a stupid name. > The gleaming metallic puppy-sized robot is named AIBO, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! > the Japanese word for partner. The first two letters of the name also > refer to "artificial intelligence." And the last three letters of the name refer to a lawsuit. > The AIBO acts much like a puppy, although it cannot move as fast > and does not urinate on lamp posts. To prevent constant urination, Aibo must be surrounded by lamp posts. If you don't have lots of lamp posts, Aibo will piddle all over your house, and in no time at all you'll be so terrified of Aibo's constant flood of robot urine that you'll develop Aibophobia. And then you'll develop it again. Backwards. (That was a callback to 1990. I would do a ten-year callback but I don't think the good people on alt.religion.kibology would get references to ACM:CB. I said the *good* people.) > It has 18 types of movement allowing it to play ball, crouch as > if urinating, and to move its head, body and all its legs in > coordination depending on its action or mood. WHEN IT IS HAPPY IT URINATES, WHEN IT IS SAD IT MOVES ITS BODY BUT NOT ITS HEAD OR ITS LEGS. AIBO IS PERFECT. AIBO IS PERFECT. > The dog likewise reacts to petting, stroking and punishment, > either by sulking or playing with a ball of its favourite colour. ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE FAVORITE COLORS! DANGER! DANGER! IT IS NOT A ROBOT! DESTROY! DESTROY! > They go on sale over the Internet for a hefty 250,000 yen (2,500 > dollars) each from June 1. Sony says it hopes to sell 3,000 in Japan > and 2,000 in the United States. Ha! And we all thought that Japanese executives thought Americans were stupid. Well, Sony just insinuated that American consumers are only 2/3 as dumb as Japanese consumers. > Among the myriad of commands and reactions already installed, > Sony's "staff debated whether to create something called a death > function," said general manager Tadashi Otsuki. MARTIN LANDAU: Helena, while Computer is off-line, I'll have to risk computing our trajectory with this manually-operated calculator. BARBARA BAIN: John, don't touch it -- COSINE COULD BE THE DEATH FUNCTION!!! MARTIN LANDAU: Yaaaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh! Grunt! Harrrrrrrrrghhh! Fnoor!!! BARBARA BAIN: John! Stop adjusting your shorts and do something! MARTIN LANDAU: Oh no! MY SHOES ARE UNTIED! UUNNNNNNTIIIIEEEEEEEEEED!!!!! GHARRRRRRRRRRR!!!! RRRROWWWWRRRRRR!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BARBARA BAIN: I see. > But Sony decided death was not required, instead allowing owners > to simply restart their pets with a fresh programme. I programmed my robotic dog to bite the guy who delivers the electronic mail. > "It is technically impossible to replace real animals with > robots," said Otsuki. "In a sense, it would be a profanity to God." And God has sensitive ears! > The dog comes with an array of sensors -- a colour > closed-circuit camera, heat sensors, infra-red range finder, touch > sensors, acceleration and speed sensors and a stereo microphone. > "The last 10 years of the 20th century were dominated by > personal computers and the Internet," said Sony vice president > Toshitada Doi, showing off the new pet, which stands 27 centimetres > (11 inches) tall. > "For the next 10 years until 2010, we are certain that robots > with independent movement will be the big thing," he added. And then for the next ten years, paper money that flies around the room constantly while biting people will be the one and only popular thing, and then for the next ten years it'll be inflatable water that boils at thirty-six degrees C and explodes at thirty-one degrees F, and during the next ten years the only thing anyone will be allowed to like will be individually wrapped pre-used diapers to save you the trouble. > Accepting most of its commands via a remote control, AIBO also > barks, talks and even sings in English or Japanese. It's hard to tell which, of course. > Owners can also train their dogs via a programme on a computer > screen. I showed my robotic dog some alt.religion.kibology articles and he said, "I wish I could die." But he couldn't, so I had the last laugh. > And future AIBO generations are being developed to respond to > their masters' verbal commands, and maybe even to play soccer, > according to Doi. Nothing is more fun than watching a $2,500 robotic dog playing soccer. Except maybe the idea that I could sell people robotic dogs for $2,500 even though this year's model can't even play soccer! IF IT CAN'T PLAY SOCCER THAN WHAT GOOD IS THIS ROBOTIC DOG? > For now, an AIBO owner can praise his dog by touching its head > for more than two seconds. One shove to the head is interpreted as > punishment and can immediately depress the artificial canine. And if you shove the dog for three seconds it means you're punishing him by praising him too much. > Expressions of joy or sorrow are helped by 18 joint motors in > the mouth, tail and head. That brings a smile to the joints in my mouth. > At the news conference demonstration, AIBO rose from a table > after being patted on the head. THE UNDEAD DOG FLEW AROUND THE ROOM!!! (Insert brief stock footage of Flaming Carrot chasing the flying dog-corpse as it ruins little Timmy's brithday party by sticking its icky paws in his birthday cake.) > It waved its front paw -- a greeting in AIBO language -- and > then stepped forward to catch a pink ball which the dog tracked with > a colour camera installed in its nose. Why couldn't they put the camera in its eyes? Because the smell organs are there, DUH-UH! > Sony says it will take orders from June 1 at the Internet > address http://www.world.sony.com/robot/ Okay, I'm going to go there now and mine it for funny sentences to point at: -> The pause button on AIBO's chest is used to stop AIBO in any emergencies, THANK YOU, GOOD MONSTER GAMERA! THAT TINY ROBOTIC DOG WOULD HAVE DESTROYED TOKYO IF YOU HADN'T PUSHED ITS PAUSE BUTTON! TRULY YOU ARE FRIEND TO ALL CHILDREN AND STOPPER OF ROBOT DOGS! -> This software is for creating and editing AIBO's operation data (motion -> data). With this, you are the master of AIBO's motions and can make -> original performances only your AIBO may know! Hundreds of Japanese men are at this very moment inventing perverse new forms of interactive erotic fiction beyond my capacity to imagine. -> Does AIBO bark? -> Yes, AIBO barks! But AIBO is multi-talented, and can sing little -> robotic melodies, as well as make lots of different kinds of -> sound effects. You'll have fun just listening to AIBO! Oh, joy, if there's one thing I like more than a melody, it's a robotic melody. You know, like DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE and DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA. And the only thing better than a robotic melody is a little robotic melody, like DEE-DEE-DEE or DA-DA-DA. And hey, it makes LOTS OF DIFFERENT KINDS of sound effects to. You'll wake up to your dog making fingernails-on-a-blackboard noises through its mouth- mounted stereo amplifier as it sits on your chest, and if that's not enough, you'll also enjoy the sound of your dog constantly making the sound of a crying baby on a Boeing 747 through its rectal speaker. Sound effects are fun! I won't even mention that Sony's site also includes a screen-saver depicting Aibo sky-diving, and the dreaded "Aibo Alert" sounds for your computer (WOW IT'S AMAZING THAT MY COMPUTER CAN SOUND JUST LIKE A ROBOT DOG!!!!) or the photo gallery, which includes such photos as "Fairly Tale" where Aibo is cavorting in a field of red poppies. Incidentally, Aibo looks just like the Imperial Walkers from "The Empire Strikes Back" only wearing sunglasses that make him look more evil. -- K. I will buy one when the price drops to $2.98. And when they add a Death Function. With a pushbutton for it. On the outside of the package. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Shatner/PAX-TV Phenomenology Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 08:57:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > Late Sunday night, I am flicking from channel to channel, looking for that > all-important program which will offer diversion and amusement without > requiring a particular commitment of intellectural and cognitive resources > (such as they are) on my part. I happen upon the local PAX-TV affiliate AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!! YOU HAVE JUST RE-ACTIVATED BRAIN CELLS THAT I WAS TRYING TO ERASE SO I COULD STORE A DIGIT OF A PHONE NUMBER IN THEM!!! Just for re-activating the brain cells that remember that PAX exists, I'm going to get my revenge on you by saying this: Jamiroquai. Ha! Ha! Now you're wasting brain cells by not forgetting that music video that amazed people so much because it had furniture that moved around by itself, something physically impossible to do in an ORDINARY music video! You're wasting even more brain cells by remembering that Jamiroquai never did anything else! And that Jamiroquai came and went about a million billion zillion times faster than the Macarena! Also, MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! "THE LAST PRECINCT"!!! CARROT TOP!!! MOOD RINGS!!! CHERRY CRACKER KOOL-AID!!! CHUCK McCANN!!! "WHIP INFLATION NOW"!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! I WIN!!!! > (aside: whenever I refer to that esteemed syndicated network, I find my > fingers invariably want to type out "PEZ"), You don't *type* out Pez, you bozo, you tilt your head back and spit them out. > and there is "Medical Center," one of the golden treasures of my late > childhood. Seeing the familiar white-coated personas of Chad Everett and > Paul (father of Tyne and Richard) Daly was bracing enough, but there was > more: The camera pulls back, and they are talking to Special Guest Star > William Shatner, as a talented but tormented doctor pushing a controversial > treatment for Hodgkin's disease. I think it's so great that he got a whole disease named after him after he got fired from "Mystery Science Theater 76". But I bet he's really jealous of that other guy who got all the other forms of lymphoma named after him, Dr. Nonhodgkins. > Needless to say, I had found my panacea. All the cultural paraphanelia of > the era -- the sideburns, the leisure suits, the cravats, the ugly rotary > phones -- Don't forget those phones shaped like upright bagels. And FlavoRadios. And Wyler Funny Face drink mixes. And "National Lampoon" magazine. And "The Cheap Show". And "AfterMASH". And the days before salad bars. > along with its usual network TV drama series motifs: the unnecessarily > tight close-ups, All images of William Shatner are, by definition, unnecessarily tight. > the brief reactive musical interludes (usually involving a bevy of brass > instruments and the odd wah-wah guitar effects), hospital patients who > manage to retain their healthy skin tone...and on top of it, William Shatner. (CAMERA PANS UP TO THE TOP OF AN ENORMOUS MOUNTAIN OF BADNESS. WILLIAM SHATNER IS SITTING ON TOP WAVING HIS COWBOY HAT IN THE AIR.) WILLIAM SHATNER: Yeeee-haw! Yeeeeee-hawwww!!! > What clinched it, of course, was that Shatner did in no way play off-type. > If I closed my eyes, I could've been listening to any "ST: TOS" episode, > except this one had more references to medical ethics and drug testing > than to Klingons and forward thrusters: "Joe! The hospitalboard'smeeting > next WEEK. You...HAVEtotellme. Are-you-in-my-corner... > orareyougoingtoSELLMEOUT?" Then came the horrible accident. He tested an experimental drug. On his hair. > (Also, I should mention that his character is married, but there's no scene > of the couple going into a long, probing kiss followed by a quick cut to a > shot of him putting his boots back on) In the unexpurgated "Star Trek" episodes on the Sci-Fi Channel, after he kisses her and it fades to black, when it fades back in we see him taking off her dress before putting his shirt back on. > *Sigh* Why couldn't William Shatner have guest-starred in _every_ "Medical > Center" episode? Because then he would have been too busy to play the insane astronaut on "The Six Million Dollar Man". > Sean ("And why did DeForest Kelley have to die?") Smith Because he was medically skilled enough to know that Shatner's Hodgkin's cure was a fraud, even though Shatner worked so hard to disguise the fact that it was just a ball of twigs with a duck tied to it. That's why Shatner killed him with one of those special phaser settings. The ones that leave no holes. -- K. Holes are incriminating. Just ask Burt Ward. HOLEY HOLES, BATMAN! I JUST RE-ACTIVATED SEAN SMITH'S BURT WARD CELLS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The head bozo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 09:05:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com David Bromage (dbromage@fang.omni.com.au) wrote: > > At the Australian National University in Canberra, ITS has numerous > "functional" email addresses for certain positions within the university. > Most of these are for heads of departments, e.g. head.physics@anu.edu.au > or head.music@anu.edu.au. > > This is all well and good, until departments started to be merged. > Biochemistry and Molecular Biology is officially known as BaMBi. The > "head.bambi" sounds silly enough, but when Botany and Zoology were merged > the official acronym became BoZo. I'm sure it is a great honour to have > "head.bozo" as your email address. Still, it could be worse. They could have an address that sounds like brominated cheese. Or they could be the head of the Universal Political Monotheistic Yarnspinning Axolotl Sequencing System. -- K. I think I'd rather drink diborane than eat cheese. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-winston From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A Letter From Adama. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 05:46:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "John F. Winston" (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: A Letter From Adama. May 8, 1999. > > Here is some information that was received from Adama, who is a man > who lives inside of Mt. Shasta. Some people say he is over 600 years > old but appears to be only about 20. THAT'S A HUNNERD'N FORTY FOR YOU'N ME!!! Sorry, I can't resist making jokes about Lorne Greene. Especially after he grew a beard between seasons of "Battlestar Galactica". I wonder who's going to play him in "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie"? I think they should see if they can get Sir Alec Guinness. > If I should ever go into a cafe with him I'm going to tell the waiter, > "I'll take whatever he having." Plus a cup of the verb of the day! > [...] > > Message from Adama, the High Priest of Telos > By Aurelia Louise Jones > > As Earth Beings, We are One Big Family > Greetings, my dear brothers and sisters of earth's surface! For > those who do not yet know me by name, I Am Adama, the High > Priest of Telos, the subterranean city under Mt. Shasta, where one > and a half million of us, Lemurians, are residing. It is my great > pleasure to communicate with you at this time to remind you of our > love for all of you and to give you a little update on our emergence > plan. I was going to say something about MIT's department of R.E.M.E.R.G.E.N.C.E. but I think they changed the name back to "sewer engineering" or whatever it was originally. Scott Ramming will explain what the heck all those letters in the acronym stood for. Then maybe someone else can help me think of a segue from "emergence" to "R.E.M.E.R.G.E.N.C.E." (suddenly a psychic communication from the late Jack Webb suggests that I write an episode of "R.E.M.E.R.G.E.N.C.Y!" starring Richard Hatch as Randolph Mantooth, just to keep Richard Hatch busy so he can't complete his life's work, the "Battlestar Galactica" movie.) > We in Telos are noticing with much delight the rapid changes that > are occurring within the spiritual grids of our planet. We are also > perceiving the amazing awakening that is taking place within the > consciousness of humanity. > > Dear ones, as much as you may not yet see the full picture of this > wondrous progress from where you stand, we in Telos I was going to say something about gold dust, but I think working a "Doctor Who" reference in so close to two "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" references could make this article seem a little nerdy. > have the necessary technology to be able to not only see this progress > but to make daily graphs of it on our amino acid computers. We can > chart the progress made by mankind day by day in any area of your > surface. Just don't make fun of the area of the surface of my area. OH DEAR, A "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000" REFERENCE. I THINK I MAY INDEED BE A NERD. I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING INHERENTLY NERDY. > Each day we notice more people awakening to their divine purposes > and mission. The very fact that there are so many of humanity that > are now awakening to a better understanding of their Divine Nature, > we also know this awakening is no longer reversible and your victory > assured. It is only a question of how many earth years it will take to > reach critical mass. Dear ones, we can honestly tell you that it is > happening even faster than ever expected by the spiritual hierarchy. > > We in Telos and all your brothers and sisters of the "Earth Within", Great, first I waste all this time Healing The Child Within, and now I'm supposed to develop a whole planet somewhere inside me? Uh-uh. It would probably involve eating a few trillion of those little packets that say "SILICA GEL -- DO NOT EAT". > which is a very vast empire of many civilizations, are watching this > expansion of consciousness with great joy and anticipation. We are > supporting you with our Love and our Light. We are almost like > children who are counting the number of days before Christmas; > the "Christmas" of our "Uniting" in Love and Brotherhood as one > big earth family. And then nobody will ever be able to get married again because once we're all one big family we'd only be able to have deformed kids with confetti where their chromosomes should be. > We are watching with delight and wonder the > awakening taking place each day and we know that the uniting of > our two civilizations is finally coming very close after so many > years and centuries of physical separation. When the time of our > emergence to the surface comes, it will be a time of love and great > rejoicing for the many, particularly for those who are consciously > aware of our presence within the earth and have such a yearning in > their hearts to greet us in their homes and finally talk to us face to > face. The wonders of our "Great Encounter" will be even greater > than the magic that Christmas holds for so many of you. Know > that we long to be with you physically as much as you long to be > with us. Because we are family, it is a mutual desire. We are also > watching the Lightworkers, *Why* would you want to watch General Electric employees? > who have embodied at this time to accomplish this wondrous mission, > leading the way of this grand awakening. > > You are like brave warriors of Light and we are holding you so > preciously in our hearts. It is with gratitude and profound love > that we salute and honor you. > > The time of our emergence is no longer in a far away distant future. > It is almost at hand, dear ones. We are no longer looking at decades > but just a few short years at the most. Unfortunately we cannot give > you dates as we are not the ones who are deciding the exact time or > date of our emergence. Gosh, I hope you don't miss the "Star Wars: Episode I" premiere. BUT AT LEAST I'M SURE YOU'RE NOT WORRIED ABOUT MISSING THE "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE MOTION PICTURE" PREMIERE. > We will come when the spiritual awakening has reached critical mass, > not sooner. Shortly we will be granted permission to, once again, > start mixing with a limited number of surface people. This exchange > will begin to open the pathways for our eventual emergence to the > surface, joining both civilizations as One Big Family of the Children > of the Mother. > > We are beings of love, we live a path of love and we want you to > know that we have much love for all of you. When we come, we > will be able to teach you a way of life that will help you establish > very quickly the foundations for a permanent golden age of > enlightenment, love, peace, beauty and prosperity for all on this > planet. We will assist you to usher in this golden age that you have > been longing for so very long. Just prepare by loving each other > more, by seeing each other more like brothers and sisters. Let me be your Big Brother. OH NO! I MADE A REFERENCE TO THE SLOGAN OF GEORGE ORWELL'S PREP SCHOOL! I MUST BE ALMOST AS BIG A NERD AS RICHARD HATCH! > In your mind and heart, begin to be receptive to allow us to become > your guides and mentors and I can make you the promise that you > shall never regret it. > > For the last 12,000 years that we have been living undergroud, we > have established this kind of foundation based on the consciousness > of love and true Brotherhood in the subterranean cities, and in Telos. > Over these thousands of years, we have been refining more and more > the structures of our societies in resonance with Divine Principles in > every aspects of our lives. Beloved ones, we have witnessed your > pains and struggles long enough. Then please stop staring at me. From below. > It is with much gladness and expectation that we are waiting to come > out and show you the way to manifest this reality in your world, so > that never again, will there ever be any more suffering on this planet > for humanity and for any of the other kingdoms evolving here. It will > not take 12,000 years to accomplish this with our help. We already > know how. The melting of our energies through the magic of "Love" New "Love" Brand Emotion. IT'S BRIMMING WITH LOVE-STYLE GOODNESS! (contains no love) > can and will bring these wonderful changes for you. Be willing to open > your hearts to us and trust that we are not only your friends, but your > brothers and sisters of long ago. At soul level, we all know each other > very well. We were all family at one time on the continent of Lemuria > and it has not changed. Well, then, if you evolved from lemurs, how come there are still lemurs? > We send you much love from Telos. Love is in great abundance here. > We have no problem generating it and it allows us to live in great > opulence. We hold you dearly in our hearts. Until we meet, keep > practicing the art of true love which starts with loving yourself. > Our preparations are now 90% completed for the great day of our > emergence. May you all love each other and all of creations as > precious jewels and expressions of the Love of the Father. > Adama > > John Winston. johnfwin@mlode.com You know, Mr. Winston, if Sir Alec Guinness doesn't want the part, I think you would be PERFECT for Lorne Greene's replacement. -- K. Gotta go, I promised the movie's producers I'd help them find new ways for the Cylons to act inept. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Web Sites To Visit Before Your Next Bombing Run Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 05:57:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Dear NATO, > > http://www.beograd.org.yu/information/index.html provides a handy list of > embassy addresses in the city of Belgrade. Clip and save! > > AMBASSADES ET CONSULATS > > ALBANIA, Kneza Miloûa St. 56, tel. 646-864, 09.00-11.00 Wow, the embassy's only open for two hours a day. Then they have to close so they can go over to the Necco factory outlet store, which is only open from 11:00 to 1:00 on Fridays and Saturdays, and buy cheap deformed candy. > AUSTRALIA, Cika Ljubina St. 13, tel. 624-655, 8.30-12.30. > AUSTRIA, Kneza Sime Markovica St. 2, tel. 635-955, 08.00-12.00. > BELGIUM, Proleterskih brigada St. 18, tel. 323-0016, 09.00-12.30. > BULGARIA, Bircaninova St. 26, tel. 646-222, 08.00-15.00 > CANADA, Kneza Miloûa St. 75, tel. 646-666, 641-399 Canada's so important that it has TWO of the only 999,999 possible phone numbers in Belgrade. (The reason there are only 999,999 available, and the reason Canada got stuck with 646-666, is that they declared that nobody could ever have 666-666 because they didn't want Sam Neill moving there.) > CHINA, Treûnjin cvet St. 3, tel. 311-1277 > CROATIA (consulat), Cakorska St. 1a, tel. 668-063 > CYPRUS, Diplomatska kolonija St. 9, tel. 663-725, 08.00-15.00 > CZECK REPUBLIC, Bulevar revolucije St. 22, tel. 323-0133, 09.00-11.00 (Mon > - Thu) > DENMARK, Neznanog junaka St. 9a, tel. 667-826, 10.00-12.00. NEZNANOG!!! NEZ-NA-NOG! NEZZZZZ-NAAAAAAA-NOGGGGGGGGGG!!!! It's at times like this that I wish that "Doctor Who" hadn't been cancelled, so that I could get out my fountain pen and write, "DEAR JOHN NATHAN-TURNER, YOU ARE COOLER THAN GENE RODDENBERRY, PLEASE MAKE NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE TAKE PLACE ON THE PLANET NEZNANOG," and he would because he was cooler than Gene Roddenberry because he had no pretentions about his show's quality. > EGYPT, Andre Nikolica St. 12, tel. 650-585, 09.00-15.00. > FINLAND, Bircaninova St. 29, tel. 646-322, 09.00-13.00. > FRANCE, Pariska St. 11, tel. 636-555, 8.30-12.30 > GERMANY, Kneza Miloûa St. 74-76, tel. 645-766 - consulate : Bircaninova > St. 19, tel. 642-479, 08.00-11.00 > GREAT BRITAIN, Generala Údanova St. 46, tel. 645-055, 8.30-11.00 > GREECE, Perside Milenkovic St. 9, tel. 651-072, 09.00-11.00 > HOLLAND, Simina St. 29, tel. 328-2332, 328-1147, 09.00-11.00 > HUNGARY, Ivana Milutinovica St. 75, tel. 444-0472, 09.00-11.00. > ITALY, Bircaninova St. 11, tel. 659-722, 8.30-10.30 > ISRAEL, Bulevar mira St. 47, tel. 367-2400, 09.00-12.00 > JAPAN, Vladimira Popovica St. 6, (Genex apt.), tel. 311-1434, 09.00-12.00 A whole building filled with Gen-X'ers. And the Japanese ambassador. In the middle of a WACKY WAR ZONE! A hilarious comic romp coming this fall to NBC! Jeff Jarvis called it "a comedy"! > MACEDONIA, Gospodar Jevremova St. 34, tel. 633-348, 10.00-12.00 > NORWAY, Kablarska St. 30, tel. 651-626, 10.00-12.00 > POLAND, Kneza Miloûa St. 38, tel. 644-866, 10.00-12.00 > ROMANIA, Kneza Miloûa St. 70, tel. 646-071, 08.00-15.00 > RUSSIAN FEDERATION, Deligradska St. 32, tel. 657-533, 09.00-12.00 > (entrance from Pasterova Street) PASTEROVA? NO, JUST UP TO HER KNEES! > SLOVAKIA, Bulevar umetnosti 18, tel. 311-1052, 08.00-11.00 except > Wednesdays > SPAIN, Moravska St. 5, tel. 459-366, 11.00-13.30 > SWEDEN, Pariska 7, tel. 626-422, 9.00-12.00 > SWITZERLAND, Bircaninova 27, tel. 646-843, 08.00-10.00 > TURKEY, Proleterskih brigada 1, tel. 3235-431, 09.00-11.30. > UKRAINE, Macvanska 6, tel. 434-254, 09.00-12.00 > USA, Kneza Miloûa St. 50, tel. 645-655, 08.00-11.00 D-4 Hey, those turkeys from Turkey stuck in an extra digit. And the Americans snuck in a coordinate from a game of "Battleship". THESE PEOPLE JUST AREN'T TAKING INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY SERIOUSLY ENOUGH! -- K. I wonder if NATO at least knows where the embassy on Kneza Miloûa is. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: possible connection between staphloccus (boils) and gasoline Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 06:13:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I once got a boil while working around a gas station building. That's odd, I didn't know gas stations hired people to wash dishes. > And just yesterday someone told me that whilst working as a gas station > mechanic that he got boils. Before or after he shook hands with you? (MENTAL NOTE: IF THIS ANECDOTE IS TRUE IT MEANS THAT THERE IS ACTUALLY AT LEAST ONE PERSON OTHER THAN ARCHIE WHO WALKS UP TO RANDOM PEOPLE AND TELLS THEM HOW HE GOT HIS BOILS.) I will wager five dollars that this conversation happened in a library. > Apparently the prescence of gasoline in the environment is not > harmful to staphloccus (spelling). But, I wonder if gasoline somehow is > beneficial or conducive. Or perhaps gasoline prescence somehow weakens > the human defense against boils. > > Anyway, was wanting for a research into whether gasoline is connected > to an increase in boil infections Well, if you burn some gasoline, you can certainly boil yourself. And in this case, you should. -- K. P.S. In England they use petrol, which doesn't cause boils. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: TV Commercial Of The Day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 04:56:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In the area around (not near, just around) Boston there is a chain of doughnut shops called "Honey Dew Donuts". It's like Dunkin' Donuts without the class. Anyway, they've started offering an imitation of Dunkin' Donuts "Coffee Coolatta", which is like Starbucks' "Frappucino" or 7-Eleven's "Cafe Cooler", only theirs has a sillier name. I can't remember exactly how it goes, but it's something like "Coolachino", 50% "Frappucino" and 50% "Coolatta" and their entire brilliant marketing campaign revolves around telling us that you can call these "chinos" to make them sound like pants. And just in case you think I'm fabricating the fake Frappucino with the pants tie-in, here's the last line of the commercial: "...AND IT TASTES BETTER THAN PANTS!" I swear I am not making this up at all. -- K. Although I think they may be lying about it tasting better than pants. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.starwars From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why do they have to be so mean to me? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 05:04:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.fan.starwars Okay, so I went to one of the special press screenings of "Star Wars Episode 1", and all the guys in sleeping bags on the streetcorner were mean to me! They were booing me and yelling things like "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GET IN FOR FREE WHEN WE'VE BEEN CAMPING OUT HERE ON THE SIDEWALK FOR THREE WEEKS!" That hurt my feelings! I mean, I used to look up to "Star Wars" fans but not I realize that some of the people camped out on sidewalks might be bozos! It kind of put a damper on the whole evening, except for the part where I actually saw the COOLEST MOVIE EVER. The only thing I didn't like about it was the ending. I mean, why did George Lucas have to have Obi-Wan Kenobi kill Anakin Skywalker by shooting him in the back with that crossbow? Everyone knows a Jedi Knight would never shoot someone in the back with a crossbow! It was so unrealistic! But other than that it was absolutely the best of the four "Star Wars" movies that George Lucas directed! -- K. NOW PLEASE STOP BEING MEAN TO ME! I HOPE THE FANBOYS AREN'T THIS MEAN TO ME WHEN I GO SEE THE "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA" MOVIE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: 'Star Wars' Tickets Cause Frenzy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 05:24:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "AP / MICHAEL FLEEMAN, AP Entertainment Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- The Force was kind to those who waited. > Advance tickets for the first ``Star Wars'' movie since 1983 > went on sale Wednesday amid a frenzied demand matched only by the > film's hype. And ``Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace,'' a > prequel to the earlier George Lucas trilogy, ...in which, oddly, he only directed one of the three movies. GEORGE LUCAS DIRECTED LESS THAN HALF OF THE GEORGE LUCAS TRILOGY!!! Also, JAMES EARL JONES NEVER WORE A COSTUME!!! And, L. RON HUBBARD ISN'T REALLY STILL WRITING THOSE BOOKS THEY KEEP PUBLISHING!!! And, THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE ISN'T REAL, EVEN THOUGH IT FLIES ON TV!!! > doesn't even open until May 19. > That didn't stop fans across the country from putting up with > driving rain, long lines, busy signals and clogged Web sites to > become the first to buy tickets. I wanted to be the first to buy tickets and I knew it would be hard to get tickets for the opening night so I bought tickets for June 27th! There was no competition at all! Boy won't those other bozos on June 27th be sorry when they try to get a ticket and they're all gone because I already bought one! > After waiting a week in line -- and enduring the barbs of passing > hecklers -- But at least the hecklers didn't set up little tents and camp out for three weeks just to heckle the fanboys. That would have been stupid. > Johnny Shipman's faithfulness paid off: The 25-year-old > welder was the first to buy tickets at a theater in Augusta, Ga. > ``It was just intense,'' Shipman said. ``Cameras all in front of > me, news crews and everything. ... It was more than I expected.'' > Despite the film's early mixed reviews, I LIKED THE PART WHERE C3PO WAS NAKED!!! > tickets to the debut showings sold out within minutes and fans scrambled > to get seats for later dates. > ``I've been waiting 16 years for this,'' said Lee Dahlhauser, > who bought the first tickets sold in Ames, Iowa, after spending all > night in line in a driving rain covered with blankets and sheets of > plastic. Why did he choose to wait 16 years to be covered with wet blankets? Seems like he coulda done that at home in the bathtub. > Director-producer George Lucas initially barred advanced ticket > sales to prevent scalping, but relented under pressure from theater > owners. In a compromise, theaters restricted sales to a maximum of > 12 tickets per person. FORTUNATELY, MOST OF THE FAN BOYS AREN'T FAT ENOUGH TO NEED TWELVE SEATS EACH! > That didn't stop people from trying to resell tickets, at least > on the Internet. By late this morning, the eBay on-line auction > service had 117 listings for tickets, including a set of four being > offered in New Jersey that had received a bid of $60 or nearly > twice the face value. ...from someone who didn't realize they were PARKING tickets! Hyar hyar hyar! > At Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, where the original > ``Star Wars'' premiered in 1977 -- and where fans have been camping > out for weeks -- the line stretched along Hollywood Boulevard, down > a side street and to the next block over. > ``It's important we see it on opening day at Mann's Chinese > Theatre,'' explained Susanna Modjallal, 30. And to think I was upset that Robbie Knievel's jump over the skinniest part of the Grand Canyon last month was delayed by rain. > ``If Lucas thought it was good enough to premiere here, it's good enough > for me.'' Yep, the director of "Howard The Duck" is the ultimate arbiter of what's good. > In Baltimore, the crowd outside the Senator Theater was three > blocks long; Pete Levin, 32nd in line, had camped out with his > sister and friend since 9 a.m. Tuesday. > ``I didn't want anyone to spoil it for me,'' Levin said of his > determination to get tickets to the very first showing. ``I want to > be surprised. I didn't want anyone to tell me the ending.'' I think there might be a big car race in it. OOH! OOH! SORRY! > Those who thought it would be a bit more sane buying tickets by > phone or over the Internet were in for a surprise. THE INTERNET. "STAR WARS" FEVER SEEMS SANE BY COMPARISON. > So many people called MovieFone for tickets that circuits were > jammed, even though the ticket service added lines. MovieFone's Web > site was also swamped. > ``The demand has been even greater than we expected,'' said > Christine Fakundiny, director of marketing for MovieFone. ``But > people are getting through and we are processing them. The advice > to the war weary is keeping trying.'' That sentence is in the queue and I am processing it. I hope to have located the grammatical error by the time the movie premieres. > Cody Hoffman, 13, of New York, said his mother had allowed him > to skip school and wait in line all day for tickets. He said his > mother ``knows how important it is to me.'' And his teachers? > ``For all I know my teacher is on line at some other theater,'' > he said. NOW THAT'S LOGIC! And see how Hitler isn't in line? That means being in line is good!!! AND HEY YOU PEOPLE WHO AREN'T IN LINE ARE WORSE THAN HITLER BECAUSE UNLIKE HITLER YOU *COULD* HAVE GOTTEN IN LINE BUT YOU DIDN'T!!! > Outside the Eastgate Theatre in Portland, Ore., Gabe Elliot > complained about people ahead of him who sang music from ``Star > Wars'' and recited quotes from the ``Monty Python and the Holy > Grail'' comedy film << INSERT DANCING BEARS HERE >> > while he stood in line. > Said Elliot: ``I'm surrounded by psychos.'' << LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT DANCING BEARS >> Also, I find it ironic that the people who are in the front half of the line are so geeky that they annoy the other fanboys. (THANKS TO THE INTERNET, I CAN BE THAT ANNOYING WITHOUT EVEN GETTING IN LINE!) -- K. I like "Star Wars", I really do. I just don't like anyone who likes it more than I do.