Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony gives the world a robotic dog Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 08:38:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In ten newsgroups (clari.world.asia.japan, clari.tw.electronics, clari.tw.computers.misc, clari.tw.top, clari.tw.new_media, clari.world, clari.world.asia+oceania, clari.tw, clari.biz.front_page, *and* clari.news.photos), because it was so important, "AFP / Kiriko Nishiyama" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > TOKYO, May 11 (AFP) - Sony Corp. Tuesday unveiled its first > litter of robotic dogs that can play, bark, talk and even develop > their own personalities, but cannot die. That's because when you buy them THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!!! I just hope they don't have a stupid name. > The gleaming metallic puppy-sized robot is named AIBO, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! > the Japanese word for partner. The first two letters of the name also > refer to "artificial intelligence." And the last three letters of the name refer to a lawsuit. > The AIBO acts much like a puppy, although it cannot move as fast > and does not urinate on lamp posts. To prevent constant urination, Aibo must be surrounded by lamp posts. If you don't have lots of lamp posts, Aibo will piddle all over your house, and in no time at all you'll be so terrified of Aibo's constant flood of robot urine that you'll develop Aibophobia. And then you'll develop it again. Backwards. (That was a callback to 1990. I would do a ten-year callback but I don't think the good people on alt.religion.kibology would get references to ACM:CB. I said the *good* people.) > It has 18 types of movement allowing it to play ball, crouch as > if urinating, and to move its head, body and all its legs in > coordination depending on its action or mood. WHEN IT IS HAPPY IT URINATES, WHEN IT IS SAD IT MOVES ITS BODY BUT NOT ITS HEAD OR ITS LEGS. AIBO IS PERFECT. AIBO IS PERFECT. > The dog likewise reacts to petting, stroking and punishment, > either by sulking or playing with a ball of its favourite colour. ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE FAVORITE COLORS! DANGER! DANGER! IT IS NOT A ROBOT! DESTROY! DESTROY! > They go on sale over the Internet for a hefty 250,000 yen (2,500 > dollars) each from June 1. Sony says it hopes to sell 3,000 in Japan > and 2,000 in the United States. Ha! And we all thought that Japanese executives thought Americans were stupid. Well, Sony just insinuated that American consumers are only 2/3 as dumb as Japanese consumers. > Among the myriad of commands and reactions already installed, > Sony's "staff debated whether to create something called a death > function," said general manager Tadashi Otsuki. MARTIN LANDAU: Helena, while Computer is off-line, I'll have to risk computing our trajectory with this manually-operated calculator. BARBARA BAIN: John, don't touch it -- COSINE COULD BE THE DEATH FUNCTION!!! MARTIN LANDAU: Yaaaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh! Grunt! Harrrrrrrrrghhh! Fnoor!!! BARBARA BAIN: John! Stop adjusting your shorts and do something! MARTIN LANDAU: Oh no! MY SHOES ARE UNTIED! UUNNNNNNTIIIIEEEEEEEEEED!!!!! GHARRRRRRRRRRR!!!! RRRROWWWWRRRRRR!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BARBARA BAIN: I see. > But Sony decided death was not required, instead allowing owners > to simply restart their pets with a fresh programme. I programmed my robotic dog to bite the guy who delivers the electronic mail. > "It is technically impossible to replace real animals with > robots," said Otsuki. "In a sense, it would be a profanity to God." And God has sensitive ears! > The dog comes with an array of sensors -- a colour > closed-circuit camera, heat sensors, infra-red range finder, touch > sensors, acceleration and speed sensors and a stereo microphone. > "The last 10 years of the 20th century were dominated by > personal computers and the Internet," said Sony vice president > Toshitada Doi, showing off the new pet, which stands 27 centimetres > (11 inches) tall. > "For the next 10 years until 2010, we are certain that robots > with independent movement will be the big thing," he added. And then for the next ten years, paper money that flies around the room constantly while biting people will be the one and only popular thing, and then for the next ten years it'll be inflatable water that boils at thirty-six degrees C and explodes at thirty-one degrees F, and during the next ten years the only thing anyone will be allowed to like will be individually wrapped pre-used diapers to save you the trouble. > Accepting most of its commands via a remote control, AIBO also > barks, talks and even sings in English or Japanese. It's hard to tell which, of course. > Owners can also train their dogs via a programme on a computer > screen. I showed my robotic dog some alt.religion.kibology articles and he said, "I wish I could die." But he couldn't, so I had the last laugh. > And future AIBO generations are being developed to respond to > their masters' verbal commands, and maybe even to play soccer, > according to Doi. Nothing is more fun than watching a $2,500 robotic dog playing soccer. Except maybe the idea that I could sell people robotic dogs for $2,500 even though this year's model can't even play soccer! IF IT CAN'T PLAY SOCCER THAN WHAT GOOD IS THIS ROBOTIC DOG? > For now, an AIBO owner can praise his dog by touching its head > for more than two seconds. One shove to the head is interpreted as > punishment and can immediately depress the artificial canine. And if you shove the dog for three seconds it means you're punishing him by praising him too much. > Expressions of joy or sorrow are helped by 18 joint motors in > the mouth, tail and head. That brings a smile to the joints in my mouth. > At the news conference demonstration, AIBO rose from a table > after being patted on the head. THE UNDEAD DOG FLEW AROUND THE ROOM!!! (Insert brief stock footage of Flaming Carrot chasing the flying dog-corpse as it ruins little Timmy's brithday party by sticking its icky paws in his birthday cake.) > It waved its front paw -- a greeting in AIBO language -- and > then stepped forward to catch a pink ball which the dog tracked with > a colour camera installed in its nose. Why couldn't they put the camera in its eyes? Because the smell organs are there, DUH-UH! > Sony says it will take orders from June 1 at the Internet > address http://www.world.sony.com/robot/ Okay, I'm going to go there now and mine it for funny sentences to point at: -> The pause button on AIBO's chest is used to stop AIBO in any emergencies, THANK YOU, GOOD MONSTER GAMERA! THAT TINY ROBOTIC DOG WOULD HAVE DESTROYED TOKYO IF YOU HADN'T PUSHED ITS PAUSE BUTTON! TRULY YOU ARE FRIEND TO ALL CHILDREN AND STOPPER OF ROBOT DOGS! -> This software is for creating and editing AIBO's operation data (motion -> data). With this, you are the master of AIBO's motions and can make -> original performances only your AIBO may know! Hundreds of Japanese men are at this very moment inventing perverse new forms of interactive erotic fiction beyond my capacity to imagine. -> Does AIBO bark? -> Yes, AIBO barks! But AIBO is multi-talented, and can sing little -> robotic melodies, as well as make lots of different kinds of -> sound effects. You'll have fun just listening to AIBO! Oh, joy, if there's one thing I like more than a melody, it's a robotic melody. You know, like DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE and DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA. And the only thing better than a robotic melody is a little robotic melody, like DEE-DEE-DEE or DA-DA-DA. And hey, it makes LOTS OF DIFFERENT KINDS of sound effects to. You'll wake up to your dog making fingernails-on-a-blackboard noises through its mouth- mounted stereo amplifier as it sits on your chest, and if that's not enough, you'll also enjoy the sound of your dog constantly making the sound of a crying baby on a Boeing 747 through its rectal speaker. Sound effects are fun! I won't even mention that Sony's site also includes a screen-saver depicting Aibo sky-diving, and the dreaded "Aibo Alert" sounds for your computer (WOW IT'S AMAZING THAT MY COMPUTER CAN SOUND JUST LIKE A ROBOT DOG!!!!) or the photo gallery, which includes such photos as "Fairly Tale" where Aibo is cavorting in a field of red poppies. Incidentally, Aibo looks just like the Imperial Walkers from "The Empire Strikes Back" only wearing sunglasses that make him look more evil. -- K. I will buy one when the price drops to $2.98. And when they add a Death Function. With a pushbutton for it. On the outside of the package. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Shatner/PAX-TV Phenomenology Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 08:57:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > Late Sunday night, I am flicking from channel to channel, looking for that > all-important program which will offer diversion and amusement without > requiring a particular commitment of intellectural and cognitive resources > (such as they are) on my part. I happen upon the local PAX-TV affiliate AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!! YOU HAVE JUST RE-ACTIVATED BRAIN CELLS THAT I WAS TRYING TO ERASE SO I COULD STORE A DIGIT OF A PHONE NUMBER IN THEM!!! Just for re-activating the brain cells that remember that PAX exists, I'm going to get my revenge on you by saying this: Jamiroquai. Ha! Ha! Now you're wasting brain cells by not forgetting that music video that amazed people so much because it had furniture that moved around by itself, something physically impossible to do in an ORDINARY music video! You're wasting even more brain cells by remembering that Jamiroquai never did anything else! And that Jamiroquai came and went about a million billion zillion times faster than the Macarena! Also, MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! "THE LAST PRECINCT"!!! CARROT TOP!!! MOOD RINGS!!! CHERRY CRACKER KOOL-AID!!! CHUCK McCANN!!! "WHIP INFLATION NOW"!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! I WIN!!!! > (aside: whenever I refer to that esteemed syndicated network, I find my > fingers invariably want to type out "PEZ"), You don't *type* out Pez, you bozo, you tilt your head back and spit them out. > and there is "Medical Center," one of the golden treasures of my late > childhood. Seeing the familiar white-coated personas of Chad Everett and > Paul (father of Tyne and Richard) Daly was bracing enough, but there was > more: The camera pulls back, and they are talking to Special Guest Star > William Shatner, as a talented but tormented doctor pushing a controversial > treatment for Hodgkin's disease. I think it's so great that he got a whole disease named after him after he got fired from "Mystery Science Theater 76". But I bet he's really jealous of that other guy who got all the other forms of lymphoma named after him, Dr. Nonhodgkins. > Needless to say, I had found my panacea. All the cultural paraphanelia of > the era -- the sideburns, the leisure suits, the cravats, the ugly rotary > phones -- Don't forget those phones shaped like upright bagels. And FlavoRadios. And Wyler Funny Face drink mixes. And "National Lampoon" magazine. And "The Cheap Show". And "AfterMASH". And the days before salad bars. > along with its usual network TV drama series motifs: the unnecessarily > tight close-ups, All images of William Shatner are, by definition, unnecessarily tight. > the brief reactive musical interludes (usually involving a bevy of brass > instruments and the odd wah-wah guitar effects), hospital patients who > manage to retain their healthy skin tone...and on top of it, William Shatner. (CAMERA PANS UP TO THE TOP OF AN ENORMOUS MOUNTAIN OF BADNESS. WILLIAM SHATNER IS SITTING ON TOP WAVING HIS COWBOY HAT IN THE AIR.) WILLIAM SHATNER: Yeeee-haw! Yeeeeee-hawwww!!! > What clinched it, of course, was that Shatner did in no way play off-type. > If I closed my eyes, I could've been listening to any "ST: TOS" episode, > except this one had more references to medical ethics and drug testing > than to Klingons and forward thrusters: "Joe! The hospitalboard'smeeting > next WEEK. You...HAVEtotellme. Are-you-in-my-corner... > orareyougoingtoSELLMEOUT?" Then came the horrible accident. He tested an experimental drug. On his hair. > (Also, I should mention that his character is married, but there's no scene > of the couple going into a long, probing kiss followed by a quick cut to a > shot of him putting his boots back on) In the unexpurgated "Star Trek" episodes on the Sci-Fi Channel, after he kisses her and it fades to black, when it fades back in we see him taking off her dress before putting his shirt back on. > *Sigh* Why couldn't William Shatner have guest-starred in _every_ "Medical > Center" episode? Because then he would have been too busy to play the insane astronaut on "The Six Million Dollar Man". > Sean ("And why did DeForest Kelley have to die?") Smith Because he was medically skilled enough to know that Shatner's Hodgkin's cure was a fraud, even though Shatner worked so hard to disguise the fact that it was just a ball of twigs with a duck tied to it. That's why Shatner killed him with one of those special phaser settings. The ones that leave no holes. -- K. Holes are incriminating. Just ask Burt Ward. HOLEY HOLES, BATMAN! I JUST RE-ACTIVATED SEAN SMITH'S BURT WARD CELLS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Shatner/PAX-TV Phenomenology Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 08:42:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! MACARENA!!! "THE LAST PRECINCT"!!! > > > CARROT TOP!!! MOOD RINGS!!! CHERRY CRACKER KOOL-AID!!! CHUCK McCANN!!! > > > "WHIP INFLATION NOW"!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! MAUREEN REAGAN!!! MAUREEN > > > REAGAN!!! > > > > "All batteries! On my mark -- ready, aim...FIRE!" > > > > ICKEY SHUFFLE! ICKEY SHUFFLE! "COP ROCK"!! YAKOV SMIRNOV!!MOON ROCK DUST!! > > BOONE'S FARM!!GEORGE KENNEDY!!!"NEW YORK IS A SUMMER PARADISE"!! > > AMY CARTER!!AMY CARTER!! > > BOBBY SHERMAN! "LOVE IS..."! THE "DAMNATION ALLEY" TRUCK! HAMILTON JORDAN! > MONCHICHI! UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE! LICK'M'ADE! JOSIE AND THE > PUSSYCATS IN OUTER SPACE!!! MR. BELVEDERE! MR. BELVEDERE!!!! They still make LIK-M-AID FUN DIP, but they can spell it better than you. You would know that it's more popular than ever if you made daily candy shopping runs like me^H^HArchimedes Plutonium. LIK-M-AID is in every convenience store, drugstore, toy store, grocery store, and chemical store between here and Kalamazoo. It's still every bit as good as ever -- Pixy Stix that you eat with a stick! Fifty percent sugar, fifty percent citric acid, with no chewing! And now it comes in more flavors, including blue. Anyway, I'm going to chute'n'ladder my way to the meme I want to throw into your party hat, as I clang along from your Bobby Sherman meme: Bobby Sherman --> Allen Sherman --> Shelly Berman "CONTAINER..." "...is a CLEAN." "BOX..." "...is a DIRTY." How long has it been since you last played THAT album on your LP? -- K. And let's not forget the episode of "The Twilight Zone" where everyone in the world turns into people in crappy-looking Shelly Berman masks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Shatner/PAX-TV Phenomenology Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 06:12:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm going to get my revenge on you by saying this: Jamiroquai. > > Ha! Ha! Now you're wasting brain cells by not forgetting that music > > video that amazed people so much because it had furniture that moved > > around by itself, something physically impossible to do in an ORDINARY > > music video! > > Great. Now I forgot where I live. AOL. You're an AOL person, you live on AOL. If you get lost, just turn left at the bunch of people crammed into the soggy cardboard box that says "WebTV", go past the intersection of Penn State and BITNET, and you're there. You know, because AOL has burdened the 50% or more of its users who are sane with the reputation generated by the other ones, I think the wisest thing for them to do would be to split their servers across several virtual domains with completely different names. That way at least some of the people out there would be too clueless to realize that, say, blezmo.com is an alias for aol.com. Then the really clueless people would stop making fun of AOL users for being clueless. I mean, heck, if Hallmark can pretend to be "Shoebox Greetings, a tiny little company" and AT&T can pretend to be "Lucky Dog Long Distance" with really expensive faux-amateurish commercials, AOL could pretend to be an Internet service provider that nobody dislikes. -- K. I think Mensa should start an ISP where you would have to have an IQ above 150 and it would cost $500 a month. Then they wouldn't have any clueless users and thus nobody would dislike them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The head bozo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 09:05:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com David Bromage (dbromage@fang.omni.com.au) wrote: > > At the Australian National University in Canberra, ITS has numerous > "functional" email addresses for certain positions within the university. > Most of these are for heads of departments, e.g. head.physics@anu.edu.au > or head.music@anu.edu.au. > > This is all well and good, until departments started to be merged. > Biochemistry and Molecular Biology is officially known as BaMBi. The > "head.bambi" sounds silly enough, but when Botany and Zoology were merged > the official acronym became BoZo. I'm sure it is a great honour to have > "head.bozo" as your email address. Still, it could be worse. They could have an address that sounds like brominated cheese. Or they could be the head of the Universal Political Monotheistic Yarnspinning Axolotl Sequencing System. -- K. I think I'd rather drink diborane than eat cheese. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Truck With Millions of Bees Crashes Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 05:24:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Michael Driscoll (fenris@ulf.edgemail.com) wrote: > > "Inflatable Space Bunny" (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > [Associated Press bee article] > > > > > > FALMOUTH, Maine (AP) -- A truck carrying millions of bees > > > overturned on a highway ramp Sunday, leaving its cargo buzzing > > > around the wreckage and closing down the roadway for nearly eight > > > hours. > > > > Any sufficiently silly item is indistinguishable from an Arthur C Clarke > > story. > > William Shatner IS > Jane Fonda AS > Isaac Asimov's Caliban IN > Arthur C Clarke's > > "THE APPROXIMATELY TWENTY MILLION BEES OF GOD" I'm confused. Did Gentry Lee ghostwrite for Ron Goulart, or did Jane Fonda get "Star Trek" cancelled because they didn't have enough pro wrestlers? And how exactly did Caliban from Asimov's "Twelfth Night" get into Ray Harryhausen's "Forbidden Planet"? MATT McIRVIN CAN EXPLAIN ALL THAT! IF HE'S A REAL MAN! -- K. He probably won't. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Web Sites To Visit Before Your Next Bombing Run Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 05:57:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Dear NATO, > > http://www.beograd.org.yu/information/index.html provides a handy list of > embassy addresses in the city of Belgrade. Clip and save! > > AMBASSADES ET CONSULATS > > ALBANIA, Kneza Miloûa St. 56, tel. 646-864, 09.00-11.00 Wow, the embassy's only open for two hours a day. Then they have to close so they can go over to the Necco factory outlet store, which is only open from 11:00 to 1:00 on Fridays and Saturdays, and buy cheap deformed candy. > AUSTRALIA, Cika Ljubina St. 13, tel. 624-655, 8.30-12.30. > AUSTRIA, Kneza Sime Markovica St. 2, tel. 635-955, 08.00-12.00. > BELGIUM, Proleterskih brigada St. 18, tel. 323-0016, 09.00-12.30. > BULGARIA, Bircaninova St. 26, tel. 646-222, 08.00-15.00 > CANADA, Kneza Miloûa St. 75, tel. 646-666, 641-399 Canada's so important that it has TWO of the only 999,999 possible phone numbers in Belgrade. (The reason there are only 999,999 available, and the reason Canada got stuck with 646-666, is that they declared that nobody could ever have 666-666 because they didn't want Sam Neill moving there.) > CHINA, Treûnjin cvet St. 3, tel. 311-1277 > CROATIA (consulat), Cakorska St. 1a, tel. 668-063 > CYPRUS, Diplomatska kolonija St. 9, tel. 663-725, 08.00-15.00 > CZECK REPUBLIC, Bulevar revolucije St. 22, tel. 323-0133, 09.00-11.00 (Mon > - Thu) > DENMARK, Neznanog junaka St. 9a, tel. 667-826, 10.00-12.00. NEZNANOG!!! NEZ-NA-NOG! NEZZZZZ-NAAAAAAA-NOGGGGGGGGGG!!!! It's at times like this that I wish that "Doctor Who" hadn't been cancelled, so that I could get out my fountain pen and write, "DEAR JOHN NATHAN-TURNER, YOU ARE COOLER THAN GENE RODDENBERRY, PLEASE MAKE NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE TAKE PLACE ON THE PLANET NEZNANOG," and he would because he was cooler than Gene Roddenberry because he had no pretentions about his show's quality. > EGYPT, Andre Nikolica St. 12, tel. 650-585, 09.00-15.00. > FINLAND, Bircaninova St. 29, tel. 646-322, 09.00-13.00. > FRANCE, Pariska St. 11, tel. 636-555, 8.30-12.30 > GERMANY, Kneza Miloûa St. 74-76, tel. 645-766 - consulate : Bircaninova > St. 19, tel. 642-479, 08.00-11.00 > GREAT BRITAIN, Generala Údanova St. 46, tel. 645-055, 8.30-11.00 > GREECE, Perside Milenkovic St. 9, tel. 651-072, 09.00-11.00 > HOLLAND, Simina St. 29, tel. 328-2332, 328-1147, 09.00-11.00 > HUNGARY, Ivana Milutinovica St. 75, tel. 444-0472, 09.00-11.00. > ITALY, Bircaninova St. 11, tel. 659-722, 8.30-10.30 > ISRAEL, Bulevar mira St. 47, tel. 367-2400, 09.00-12.00 > JAPAN, Vladimira Popovica St. 6, (Genex apt.), tel. 311-1434, 09.00-12.00 A whole building filled with Gen-X'ers. And the Japanese ambassador. In the middle of a WACKY WAR ZONE! A hilarious comic romp coming this fall to NBC! Jeff Jarvis called it "a comedy"! > MACEDONIA, Gospodar Jevremova St. 34, tel. 633-348, 10.00-12.00 > NORWAY, Kablarska St. 30, tel. 651-626, 10.00-12.00 > POLAND, Kneza Miloûa St. 38, tel. 644-866, 10.00-12.00 > ROMANIA, Kneza Miloûa St. 70, tel. 646-071, 08.00-15.00 > RUSSIAN FEDERATION, Deligradska St. 32, tel. 657-533, 09.00-12.00 > (entrance from Pasterova Street) PASTEROVA? NO, JUST UP TO HER KNEES! > SLOVAKIA, Bulevar umetnosti 18, tel. 311-1052, 08.00-11.00 except > Wednesdays > SPAIN, Moravska St. 5, tel. 459-366, 11.00-13.30 > SWEDEN, Pariska 7, tel. 626-422, 9.00-12.00 > SWITZERLAND, Bircaninova 27, tel. 646-843, 08.00-10.00 > TURKEY, Proleterskih brigada 1, tel. 3235-431, 09.00-11.30. > UKRAINE, Macvanska 6, tel. 434-254, 09.00-12.00 > USA, Kneza Miloûa St. 50, tel. 645-655, 08.00-11.00 D-4 Hey, those turkeys from Turkey stuck in an extra digit. And the Americans snuck in a coordinate from a game of "Battleship". THESE PEOPLE JUST AREN'T TAKING INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY SERIOUSLY ENOUGH! -- K. I wonder if NATO at least knows where the embassy on Kneza Miloûa is. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: possible connection between staphloccus (boils) and gasoline Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 13 May 1999 06:13:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I once got a boil while working around a gas station building. That's odd, I didn't know gas stations hired people to wash dishes. > And just yesterday someone told me that whilst working as a gas station > mechanic that he got boils. Before or after he shook hands with you? (MENTAL NOTE: IF THIS ANECDOTE IS TRUE IT MEANS THAT THERE IS ACTUALLY AT LEAST ONE PERSON OTHER THAN ARCHIE WHO WALKS UP TO RANDOM PEOPLE AND TELLS THEM HOW HE GOT HIS BOILS.) I will wager five dollars that this conversation happened in a library. > Apparently the prescence of gasoline in the environment is not > harmful to staphloccus (spelling). But, I wonder if gasoline somehow is > beneficial or conducive. Or perhaps gasoline prescence somehow weakens > the human defense against boils. > > Anyway, was wanting for a research into whether gasoline is connected > to an increase in boil infections Well, if you burn some gasoline, you can certainly boil yourself. And in this case, you should. -- K. P.S. In England they use petrol, which doesn't cause boils. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: TV Commercial Of The Day. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 04:56:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In the area around (not near, just around) Boston there is a chain of doughnut shops called "Honey Dew Donuts". It's like Dunkin' Donuts without the class. Anyway, they've started offering an imitation of Dunkin' Donuts "Coffee Coolatta", which is like Starbucks' "Frappucino" or 7-Eleven's "Cafe Cooler", only theirs has a sillier name. I can't remember exactly how it goes, but it's something like "Coolachino", 50% "Frappucino" and 50% "Coolatta" and their entire brilliant marketing campaign revolves around telling us that you can call these "chinos" to make them sound like pants. And just in case you think I'm fabricating the fake Frappucino with the pants tie-in, here's the last line of the commercial: "...AND IT TASTES BETTER THAN PANTS!" I swear I am not making this up at all. -- K. Although I think they may be lying about it tasting better than pants. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.starwars,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.starwars From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why do they have to be so mean to me? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 05:04:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.fan.starwars Okay, so I went to one of the special press screenings of "Star Wars Episode 1", and all the guys in sleeping bags on the streetcorner were mean to me! They were booing me and yelling things like "YOU DON'T DESERVE TO GET IN FOR FREE WHEN WE'VE BEEN CAMPING OUT HERE ON THE SIDEWALK FOR THREE WEEKS!" That hurt my feelings! I mean, I used to look up to "Star Wars" fans but not I realize that some of the people camped out on sidewalks might be bozos! It kind of put a damper on the whole evening, except for the part where I actually saw the COOLEST MOVIE EVER. The only thing I didn't like about it was the ending. I mean, why did George Lucas have to have Obi-Wan Kenobi kill Anakin Skywalker by shooting him in the back with that crossbow? Everyone knows a Jedi Knight would never shoot someone in the back with a crossbow! It was so unrealistic! But other than that it was absolutely the best of the four "Star Wars" movies that George Lucas directed! -- K. NOW PLEASE STOP BEING MEAN TO ME! I HOPE THE FANBOYS AREN'T THIS MEAN TO ME WHEN I GO SEE THE "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA" MOVIE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: 'Star Wars' Tickets Cause Frenzy Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 05:24:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "AP / MICHAEL FLEEMAN, AP Entertainment Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- The Force was kind to those who waited. > Advance tickets for the first ``Star Wars'' movie since 1983 > went on sale Wednesday amid a frenzied demand matched only by the > film's hype. And ``Star Wars: Episode I -- The Phantom Menace,'' a > prequel to the earlier George Lucas trilogy, ...in which, oddly, he only directed one of the three movies. GEORGE LUCAS DIRECTED LESS THAN HALF OF THE GEORGE LUCAS TRILOGY!!! Also, JAMES EARL JONES NEVER WORE A COSTUME!!! And, L. RON HUBBARD ISN'T REALLY STILL WRITING THOSE BOOKS THEY KEEP PUBLISHING!!! And, THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE ISN'T REAL, EVEN THOUGH IT FLIES ON TV!!! > doesn't even open until May 19. > That didn't stop fans across the country from putting up with > driving rain, long lines, busy signals and clogged Web sites to > become the first to buy tickets. I wanted to be the first to buy tickets and I knew it would be hard to get tickets for the opening night so I bought tickets for June 27th! There was no competition at all! Boy won't those other bozos on June 27th be sorry when they try to get a ticket and they're all gone because I already bought one! > After waiting a week in line -- and enduring the barbs of passing > hecklers -- But at least the hecklers didn't set up little tents and camp out for three weeks just to heckle the fanboys. That would have been stupid. > Johnny Shipman's faithfulness paid off: The 25-year-old > welder was the first to buy tickets at a theater in Augusta, Ga. > ``It was just intense,'' Shipman said. ``Cameras all in front of > me, news crews and everything. ... It was more than I expected.'' > Despite the film's early mixed reviews, I LIKED THE PART WHERE C3PO WAS NAKED!!! > tickets to the debut showings sold out within minutes and fans scrambled > to get seats for later dates. > ``I've been waiting 16 years for this,'' said Lee Dahlhauser, > who bought the first tickets sold in Ames, Iowa, after spending all > night in line in a driving rain covered with blankets and sheets of > plastic. Why did he choose to wait 16 years to be covered with wet blankets? Seems like he coulda done that at home in the bathtub. > Director-producer George Lucas initially barred advanced ticket > sales to prevent scalping, but relented under pressure from theater > owners. In a compromise, theaters restricted sales to a maximum of > 12 tickets per person. FORTUNATELY, MOST OF THE FAN BOYS AREN'T FAT ENOUGH TO NEED TWELVE SEATS EACH! > That didn't stop people from trying to resell tickets, at least > on the Internet. By late this morning, the eBay on-line auction > service had 117 listings for tickets, including a set of four being > offered in New Jersey that had received a bid of $60 or nearly > twice the face value. ...from someone who didn't realize they were PARKING tickets! Hyar hyar hyar! > At Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood, where the original > ``Star Wars'' premiered in 1977 -- and where fans have been camping > out for weeks -- the line stretched along Hollywood Boulevard, down > a side street and to the next block over. > ``It's important we see it on opening day at Mann's Chinese > Theatre,'' explained Susanna Modjallal, 30. And to think I was upset that Robbie Knievel's jump over the skinniest part of the Grand Canyon last month was delayed by rain. > ``If Lucas thought it was good enough to premiere here, it's good enough > for me.'' Yep, the director of "Howard The Duck" is the ultimate arbiter of what's good. > In Baltimore, the crowd outside the Senator Theater was three > blocks long; Pete Levin, 32nd in line, had camped out with his > sister and friend since 9 a.m. Tuesday. > ``I didn't want anyone to spoil it for me,'' Levin said of his > determination to get tickets to the very first showing. ``I want to > be surprised. I didn't want anyone to tell me the ending.'' I think there might be a big car race in it. OOH! OOH! SORRY! > Those who thought it would be a bit more sane buying tickets by > phone or over the Internet were in for a surprise. THE INTERNET. "STAR WARS" FEVER SEEMS SANE BY COMPARISON. > So many people called MovieFone for tickets that circuits were > jammed, even though the ticket service added lines. MovieFone's Web > site was also swamped. > ``The demand has been even greater than we expected,'' said > Christine Fakundiny, director of marketing for MovieFone. ``But > people are getting through and we are processing them. The advice > to the war weary is keeping trying.'' That sentence is in the queue and I am processing it. I hope to have located the grammatical error by the time the movie premieres. > Cody Hoffman, 13, of New York, said his mother had allowed him > to skip school and wait in line all day for tickets. He said his > mother ``knows how important it is to me.'' And his teachers? > ``For all I know my teacher is on line at some other theater,'' > he said. NOW THAT'S LOGIC! And see how Hitler isn't in line? That means being in line is good!!! AND HEY YOU PEOPLE WHO AREN'T IN LINE ARE WORSE THAN HITLER BECAUSE UNLIKE HITLER YOU *COULD* HAVE GOTTEN IN LINE BUT YOU DIDN'T!!! > Outside the Eastgate Theatre in Portland, Ore., Gabe Elliot > complained about people ahead of him who sang music from ``Star > Wars'' and recited quotes from the ``Monty Python and the Holy > Grail'' comedy film << INSERT DANCING BEARS HERE >> > while he stood in line. > Said Elliot: ``I'm surrounded by psychos.'' << LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT DANCING BEARS >> Also, I find it ironic that the people who are in the front half of the line are so geeky that they annoy the other fanboys. (THANKS TO THE INTERNET, I CAN BE THAT ANNOYING WITHOUT EVEN GETTING IN LINE!) -- K. I like "Star Wars", I really do. I just don't like anyone who likes it more than I do. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Solution for Kibo's Bleeding Heart Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 05:50:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Karen (sea_dance@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > What I STILL want to know from Kibo is WHERE ARE YOU ABLE TO PLANT ALL > THIS STUFF AROUND HERE???? I live in Kibo's neighborhood (although we > have never met) and I barely have room for my little bulb garden, let > alone all the lettuce and other things he says he has growing! I'm on the seventh floor, and I have a little balcony. I'm only growing small amounts of each thing, so there are several pots and small trays on the balcony, and I have an equal amount indoors (because some of these things can't take the spring weather. The lettuce likes it outdoors, the eggplants can't tolerate it.) Because I'm growing most of this stuff in tiny amounts of soil -- and because we don't get much good sunlight here -- I suspect some of these plants won't grow to full size or otherwise do anything entertaining. But the lettuce, bleeding heart, and peas are growing happily. (The okra is tall and spindly and a little wimpy-looking, and the eggplants are still under two inches tall. And the only bitter gourd sprout I've gotten is stunted and asymmetrical, obviously a sport.) I think the thing to do, in Boston, is to only buy things that'll grow well in relatively limited sunlight, 'cause you have to keep them indoors so much. And if you're working with seeds you've gotta really pamper them to get 'em to sprout -- soak them for at least 24 hours before planting (48 for big things like peas, probably about six weeks for bitter gourd) and water the living daylights out of them until they sprout. I've also got a Taco Bell-style heat lamp (well, without the artificial red color) shining on my indoor plants to give them enough light, since I've noticed that the indoor seedlings tend to get really tall and thin when there's not enough light (the plants seem to operate by getting taller when there's too little light, under the assumption that they're still underground, so you gotta give 'em light to make 'em get wider.) That is the sum total of what I've figured out about plants so far. That and the fact that some of them taste better than others. (I ate one of the lettuce leaves today, AND IT DIDN'T TASTE AS GOOD AS STORE-BOUGHT LETTUCE!) -- K. But on the other hand, it was guaranteed untouched by semi-human hands, unlike the stuff in the Prudential Star. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Solution for Kibo's Bleeding Heart Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 08:50:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Karen (sea_dance@hotmail.com) wrote: > > *Hangs her Ivanova costume back in the closet and thanks Kibo for the > gardening tips*. I'm fairly new to gardening so I always appreciate any > advice. Well, then, don't listen to me. All I know about plants I learned from killing them. Or eating them after someone else killed them. My goal this year is to work up to eating plants that I grew and killed myself. So far I've eaten one leaf of my own lettuce. > I'm pretty much sticking to flowers for now and trusting the > fate of my veggies to "Home Runs" grocery delivery service (A godsend > for those of us in Boston who don't drive and fear crowded > supermarkets). Hey, I don't have a car either, and I hate the crowds you see at the Prudential Star (or elsewhere) in the afternoon and evening, but I refuse to get food from anyone whose name ends in "RUNS". If you go to the market after the prime-time TV shows have started, it's much less crowded (especially if you go after 10pm.) If you're in my neighborhood, you could probably walk to the Fenway Star, the Jackson Square Stop & Shop (which I like better because they have more stuff) and of course there's the Calumet market, which is only open until 9 but it's NEVER crowded because it smells weird. But usually when I want to go to a big market without a long walk I just ride the Green Line to the Prudential Star or the Beacon Hill Stop & Shop. (Every once in a while I take the Blue Line to Maverick and walk to the Shaw's, or I go to the Market Basket near Porter or the Foodmaster near Davis, just for the variety. But I like to walk. And I like supermarkets. Especially the food part.) I just wish there was a real supermarket right in this neighborhood, but apparently this neighborhood is poor enough that it's assumed that the people here won't ever buy food. -- K. Also I know where every single 24-hour convenience store or supermarket in the Boston area is, so I hope that bill to extend the (T) hours of service passes. It's fun to shop at 3am. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I made pizza yesterday. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 05:57:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Two pizzas, actually. And they were better than any pizza I've ever had before. Why? Well, because I deviated slightly from my usual NO CHEESE recipe. These were topped with EXTRA NO CHEESE. These pizzas had negative amounts of cheese on them. And I made sure to use that really, really, really cheap canned spaghetti sauce (Hunt's) which is the only kind you can buy that has something analogous to meat bits in it and not even the microscopic amount of cheese that all the other spaghetti sauces add just so that they can list "ENZYME MODIFIED ROMANO CHEESE MADE FROM SHEEP'S MILK" between "LECITHIN (AN EMULSIFIER)" and "CARNAUBA WAX". Nope, no cheese at all. Plus I got those pre-toasted pizza shells rather than having to smoosh out some dough because I was afraid I'd be tempted to twirl it over my head and "I Love Lucy"-style hilarity would ensue. Then Desi Arnaz would threaten to hit me. -- K. And then I'd give birth to Desi Jr., which would probably ruin my enjoyment of this most wonderful pizza. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: if you wear clean shoes and your feet don't smell Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 06:19:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > Inflatable Space Bunny (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com.guacamole) wrote: > > > > > > our local store, the aisle that has canned cactus and all sorts > > > > Prickly Pears. > > People don't believe me, but these cans were labelled "Canned Cactus". > Sure, they might be Prickly Pears, but the can is clearly labelled "Canned > Cactus". So there. A-hem. "Nopalitos". I am more pedantic than YOU. Let me now demonstrate how to pronounce it properly. (Kibo digs around under his bed and eventually finds a scratched-up piece of clear plastic, one foot by three feet. It has a rainbow-hued discoloration on it. He bends it into a cylinder and puts a piece of tape on it to make it stay that way. Then he sticks his head into the cylinder and begins to slowly pirouette.) KIBO (Michael York voice): THERRRRE ARRRRRE NNNNNOOOOOOPAAAALLLIIIITOOOSSSSS. (Wild applause. Kibo bows six times. Somewhere, a computer explodes, starting with the vowels and ending with a big dome made of pantyhose mesh collapsing onto a matte painting of an Austin, Texas shopping mall. People begin to tug on Peter Ustinov's fake beard.) > > They grew and packaged them in Santa Clara Valley when there were still > > farms. When I was young there was prickly pear farm near where we lived. > > It was between the hill which now has the county communication tower (the > > hill now raped by 87), and where Capitol Expressway was seared into the > > tomato fields. > > Mom! Bunny's channelling John Steinbeck again! MOM, CHANGE THE CHANNELER! -- K. And now, my impression of Michael York on "seaQuest 2032": HI, I'M MICHAEL YORK, AND I NEED MONEY! LOOK, I'M STANDING BEHIND ROY SCHEIDER! KEEP LOOKING AT ROY SCHEIDER, NOT ME! I AM BARELY IN THIS SERIES, LA LA LA, I AM BARELY IN THIS SERIES, LA LA LA! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Most Unethical Experiment. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 06:43:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Now, here's an idea for you lonely women out there, and while it > won't be pretty, it'll sure fill up a boring afternoon. > > Put on your BEST, most STUNNING outfit. Put on your best make-up, too. > Wax your legs and put on that WonderBra(TM). Perfume, too. Make sure > no man in his right mind could resist you, Just out of curiosity, Nick, where have you been finding these incredibly lonely women who are stunningly beautiful > because you're heading to the Star Wars line! and willing to date nerdy sci-fi fanboys? > Your task is simple: Simply find out if any nurds would consider > abdicating their places in line in exchange for one night of sex. Wait, does she get my place in line after I sex her? I need to know. Also, do the other nerds have to watch? Do I get a signed certificate to prove I had sex? > And, of course, a week of their life back; I'm sure they've imagined > the things they could have been doing during their self-imposed > incarceration, none of which would have prevented them from ever > seeing the movie. Use ONLY these two arguments in convincing them > to leave their post. Do not use such arguments as "it's just a > movie" or "get a life"; they probably get told this all the time. > Just offer to do them if they will come to your hotel room, and > address their fear that the movie won't be worth seeing if they're > not the first to see it. Remind them that George Lucas has already seen the movie about fifty times, and each time he spends the whole two hours laughing maniacally about how he's seeing it before the nerds. > It would probably be wise to also add the conditions that they > shower and change clothes first. > > Don't ask them to give you their place in line. That would make > too much sense to them. I have a hunch the guy at the very front > of the line did something he isn't proud of to get that space. And > besides, you don't want to spend a week in his place. No, the > rest of the line must see him gathering his survival supplies and > abandoning his coveted position and his fellow Star Wars fans, > leaving them to think, for themselves, of what they are doing. > And, of course, they should leave immediately, meaning if he's > part of a shift rotation he will have to betray his friends. I > wonder what the consequences would be. > > I hope you're ready to follow through. This isn't a survey, > remember, this is an unethical psychological experiment. And don't > tell them your real name or let them know where you live. Don't > even bring your real wallet/purse, and use a cab all day so that > nobody can track your license plate number. Wear a wig, too, or > any other disguise you see fit, except for Groucho glasses. > Remember, guys don't like chyx with moustaches. AND FOR THE SAKE > OF GOD AND ALL MANKIND, BRING LOTS AND LOTS OF BIRTH CONTROL! > We don't want any more of these people! But then who would I be able to sell this rare factory-reject Beanie Baby to? > Ideally, start at the front, work your way back. Let us know how > far back you get before someone caves in. Now is not the time > to be selective. > > There are three possible outcomes: First, the guy at the front will > give in if his plutonium-controlled brain can even believe what > he's hearing. Or second, the fandom level gets lower as you go > further back, and soon it becomes low enough that you snare one. > The third possibility is, that anyone willing to sacrifice weeks > out of their life to spend two hours staring at the same screen > that normal people get to see with, at most, a sacrifice of a few > hours, have grown geek armor so thick that even CHYX can't penetrate it. You could call this fun new game CHYX QUEST! And there could be a promotional tie-in with AOL and breakfast cereal that tastes like cardboard! I wish I hadn't said that. Or eaten that, or played it. > I won't say this guarantees your success, but the truth is I lost > my virginity during Christmas of '97 to a single mom who was waiting > for the truck full of Tickle-Me Elmos to come in. I didn't tell > anybody because I knew nobody would believe I'd get up that early > in the morning. But I think I did a good job explaining to her > kid how Christmas was postponed for a day. My friend, the engineering > student, did even better, and he actually built his companion's > kid a homemade Tickle-Me Elmo out of an existing Elmo doll and, > well, something he found at her place. I hear the Scientologists have been working on a "Clear Me L. Ron" doll. You pull its string and it abandons all bodily hygeine until it dies. Also it has its billions of dollars stashed in a Swiss account that only it knows the password to just to stop you from inheriting it. > (Actually, I hope for humanity's sake that these rumors of people > camping out for Star Wars tickets are just an urban legend.) Unfortunately, it's sort of true. Like how two or three exceptionally disjointed people were mildly panicked by Orson Welles's disclaimer-laced radio show in 1938. There really are a few people camping out in front of theaters. However, then the TV news shows pictures of these people, they don't realize that the only people who care whether or not there is a line to be the first person to see "Star Wars". "YAY! WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HUGE LINE! THIS MEANS WE'RE GOING TO BE THE FIRST PERSON TO SEE 'STAR WARS'! ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!" Maybe all these people should move to the East coast so they could see it a few hours earlier. -- K. And you should see the line for the Raisinets counter. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Most Unethical Experiment. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 06:47:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I hope you're ready to follow through. This isn't a survey, > remember, this is an unethical psychological experiment. Also, I forgot to add something about how you're worse than B. F. Skinner, Stanley Milgram, Wilhelm Wundt, Phillip Zimbardo, and Archimedes Plutonium combined. Inside a Skinner box that gives you the special "XXX" shocks whenever you think about anything white, with grad students who beat you up if you try to leave or twirl your hair. -- K. Someday we MUST set up a date between Archimedes Plutonium and Twirling Boy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: fuh. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 06:49:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I just made some macaroni and cheese and it tastes horrible and stale. > I should have known better than to make it out of the box that was > already open in the cupboard and I didn't know for how long. Nick, Nick, Nick, you're supposed to cook the stuff that's IN the box, not the cardboard part. Unless you're eating Quaker Corn Bran, in which case it's immaterial. MMM-MMM! CEREAL MADE FROM GROUND-UP CORN COBS! TASTES LIKE OLD-FASHIONED TOILET PAPER, THE KIND THAT PREDATES SEARS MEETING ROEBUCK! -- K. Also, it tastes better if you leave off the cheese. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo's "Action Figures" page Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 08:30:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com [warning: includes long serious rant about my digital camera] Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > First of all, I have to say that if we can put a man on the moon -- and vice > versa -- then why _can't_ we invent a camera that takes decent close-ups of > dolls and action figures? It's called a 35mm SLR operated by someone who can work the manual focus. I think the problem with mine is that its infrared range-finder bounces off the clear plastic more than it does Bob Hope's tiny plastic head. I try to clean up the photos as much as I can before I scale 'em down for the Web, but that camera keeps surprising me about whether or not it held focus, and the amount of grain, and other things pop up in some photos that I can't see in the tiny screen on the back of it. F'rinstance, there's frequently motion blur from the fact that the shutter speed is slow (I'm shooting indoors without flash) and the camera is light enough that it shakes a lot while I'm trying to hold it steady (heavier cameras are steadier, but the consumer electronics industry always brags about how light they are...) which is especially a problem when you factor in that digital cameras tend to shoot about a third of a second AFTER you push the "fire!" button, because they have to take a sample image or two so they can do the auto-exposure, etc., calculations. So sometimes my close-up photos come out worse than I want. Okay, because you asked -- the details -- My (current) camera is a Kodak DC210, which has several firmware upgrades (you can download new ROM sets from Kodak's Web site to fix bugs, like the one that made the camera crash whenever I pushed the "tulip" button first), said upgrades having turned it into a DC210 PLUS, which means now I can put goofy frames around my pictures BEFORE THEY LEAVE THE CAMERA!!! Now there's a bozo feature. This camera cost $800 last year, and back then it was a good value -- there weren't any other cameras that did (actual, not interpolated) 1152x864 resolution and had a zoom lens at that price. (There were a few similar ones at a slightly higher price.) Now, the DC210 Plus sells for $500, and there are several other (better) cameras in the $500-$800 range. The DC210's strength is that it takes beautiful pictures of faces and landscapes. (Digital cameras all do great with making the colors vivid and the dynamic range good in any light condition, because the video system shoots a test image and then rescales the white point and black point to get a good range out of whatever light's available.) The DC210's images are quite sharp and there's no interpolated (phony) resolution involved, and at the highest-quality JPEG setting the pictures aren't artifacted as badly as in many of the cheaper cameras (the smallest cameras shoot low-rez images, scale them up to 640x480 or 800x600, then mash them down to the smallest JPEGs they can because RAM costs money. The DC210 uses memory relatively extravagantly, using about 230K for one high-rez image. Of course, the $3000 and $2,5000 digital camera -- yes, there are $25,000 ones -- shoot even larger, less compressed, images.) The DC210's notable features, last year, were that it had a zoom lens and a macro (close-up) mode (which is indicated by a button with a little tulip on it for some reason.) Unfortunately, the zoom lens isn't a real zoom lens -- you can "zoom" from wide-angle to not-wide-angle, that's all. I.e. you don't have actual telephoto-style close-ups, just the ability to zoom OUT from a normal angle. The macro mode is also not great -- it has an eight-inch focal distance, which is not what I need because either I want to be closer than that for very small things (and they get very fuzzy) or I need to be further away because the object is more than a few inches across (i.e. standing two feet back to photograph a doll's face yields fuzzy results because the camera can focus at eight inches, or at six feet to infinity, not at two feet.) The macro mode is also grainy, and the flash only has "on" and "off" intensity levels -- there's no "low" to keep the flash (right next to the lens) from washing out everything that close. (There's also no adjustment to choose "averaged" versus "center-weighted" light-metering, I don't know which it uses.) It's a relatively slow camera -- at the high-resolution, high-quality settings I use, it takes about 15 seconds to store each picture I take. This is normal for a camera of that ancient era (last year) but new ones have a "burst mode" where images are captured rapidly (two or three a second) to enough RAM to buffer a few of them before they have to be stored to the memory card (that's what takes time, as these Flash ROMs have to have the data "burned into" them, a technology that allows your pictures to stay in the ROM card even when the batteries die. This is important -- more on dead batteries in two paragraphs.) A minor design flaw is that the "fire!" button is right next to the "turn the camera off" button. The case is awkwardly shaped -- there are no ridgy gripping surfaces for this slippery little $800 piece of shiny plastic, and the screen covers most of the left side so I keep getting thumbprints on it, and I have to carefully hold it on the right so as not to cover the flash or sensors there. Some of the newer cameras (such as the Canon EOS series, and some of the newer Kodaks which are actually EOSes, and the Olympuses) are shaped more along the lines of "what's a good shape for them to grip and is either form-follows-function or at least analogous to a 35mm camera?" instead of the DC210's "how small and rounded can we make this little puck?" But the main design flaw is the batteries. Most digital cameras -- in fact, all the ones I know except for a few Kodaks -- take large rechargable lithium batteries like the ones in video camcorders. In fact, Kodak's low-end ($275) and high-end (made by Canon) cameras take them. The DC210 is unique in that it takes _AA_ batteries. I think that they were probably a last-minute design decision, because they didn't want to supply an expensive battery charger, and because they figured that since the camera eats batteries they should make it take cheap throwaway ones so I could carry spares. That's good logic, but the problem is... this must have been a last-minute decision, because the camera was engineered to run off seven and a half volts, and it only has room for _four_ AA's (six volts). It turns out that Kodak brand AA's (which were also sold as K-Mart AA's before K-Mart discontinued them) work beautifully in the camera, but no other brands (Eveready, Energizer, Rayovac, etc. -- I've tried 'em all) will run the camera before it shuts down with a flashing "DEAD BATTERY" icon within one to five minutes. Apparently Kodak's batteries supply just over the standard 1.5 volts, and if the camera gets down to the 6.0 volts you expect from normal batteries, it turns off. So, I can shoot a couple dozen pictures with four Kodak AA's, then I have to take out the batteries (which are still fresh by anyone else's standards) and give them to someone who owns a Walkman which won't care that the batteries have had the top tenth used. Still, buying large quantities of AA's turns out to be quite cheap, as I can get the Kodak ones for ten bucks for a block of 24 (K-Mart's were eight bucks for 32!) which works out to about two or three cents worth of consumables per photo. (Previously I was shooting 35mm and having the negatives scanned to PhotoCD, which cost over a dollar per shot, and it meant that I had to be very frugal with what I shot -- no photos of wacky action figures. Plus you have to wait a month for the Kodak lab to lose your PhotoCD when you send it to them to have more pictures added. I bought the digital camera immediately after they lost one of my PhotoCDs, after six or seven experiences where they took a month and a half to make scans after promising a one-week turnaround, or incorrectly returned a floppy disc instead of a CD, or returned the film unscanned, etc.) Anyhow, the DC210 is great as a camera for taking photos of people and trees and buildings, but not good for professional-level telephoto or macro work. I'm planning on buying a Sony Mavica FD-91, the top level of their consumer cameras (they also have professional cameras with manual focus, interchangeable lenses, manual aperture, manual shutter speed, etc., but those cost too much for me) which should do what I want. The FD-91 (and most other Sony Mavicas) can get amazingly sharp photos of things an INCH from the lens (while my DC210 takes grainy pictures of things eight inches away.) The FD-91 is also the only under-$1000 camera I know which has a 14x optical (non-fake) zoom lens. (All others have at most 2x or 3x, and usually those are partly digital [fake] zooms or lame things like the DC210's wide-angle-to-normal lens.) The FD-91's lens is the sort of one you'd see on a video camera (indeed, it is a video camera, of course.) You can twist it to do manual focus, which is very important for close-up work, and it's an SLR camera meaning that you can look into it to see how you're focusing (whereas with the DC210 you can look through the little hole in the top of the camera, which will sort of vaguely give you an idea how the shot is framed, or you can look at the video screen, which isn't good enough for focusing.) Because this Sony (which goes for about $800) has an incredible zoom lens and great macro capability, it's definitely the camera I want. Oh, it's got a nice burst mode too, and choice of center-weighted or averaged light metering. Sony's rechargable batteries apparently last much longer than most of the other lithium batteries, from the comments I've read from people with FD-91s. The only thing I'm not wild about is that this camera (like the other consumer Mavicas) uses floppy disks, not Flash ROM cards, as its storage medium. Sure, they're cheap, but I'd rather carry around a $100 32-megabyte card (the size of a postage stamp) than thirty floppies -- I'd have to keep swapping (each would hold only a handful of photos), I'd worry about accidentally recording over one, floppies sometimes don't read back right, and most importantly, I'm carrying around something with sensitive moving parts that are grinding away while I wave the camera about. Disk drives are the sort of thing that I think should be treated gingerly. The camera is also weirdly shaped (requiring a special case that costs $50) and I'd probably need a spare battery (which would cost $60), raising the cost of the camera above what I paid for the Kodak. I wish these things were cheaper, but with cameras you gotta pay through the nose if you want the real power toys. (You should see what some of the over-$1000 digital cameras can do these days.) > Still, a monumental job well done, K. Thanks, but you ain't seen nothin' yet. I've got several other galleries of toys being prepped (I put up those three in a hurry 'cause I wanted to have them up a day before the new "Star Wars" toys came out) as well as some galleries of scary pet toys with lips and of course a whole bunch of galleries of weird foreign food that tastes bad, including the famous stingray rinds. > With regard to the Thor-like, If-John-Tesh-Spilled-Chardonnay-On-His-Casio > action figure, maybe someone can answer a question: I used to read Thor as a > kid, and he was just this clean-shaven, long-haired guy, kind of like a > slightly less chiseled Scandinavian version of Fabio. When did Thor grow > his beard? To look less like No-Testosterone Thor after he got tired of kids teasing him after "Adventures In Babysitting" came out. > Was there any particular reason for him doing so? Was he trying to be like > all the other Norse warrior gods who had beards? What kind of message does > that send about trying not to succumb to peer pressure? It's a bad example for all the little Norse gods growing up today. > Also, when he changes back to Dr. Blake, does the beard just vanish? It does, for two years, then it comes back for one episode and Avon accidentally shoots him. Then the evil Federation guards, with the gas masks that don't touch their faces at any point, shoot the entire cast several hundred times, which doesn't hurt them unless the show gets cancelled, which it does, and then Avon writes a weirdly coherent fan-fic novel which is always seen on sale directly between Walter Koenig's "Buck Alice And The Actor-Robot" and a used tape of rubber bondage porn across the flea market from where Walter Koenig is angry that nobody's asking for his autograph because Dr. Smith is next to him. > What if Blake wanted to have a goatee, and let Thor keep the full beard -- > could they work something out? Well, Diana Prince had that system where when she twirled, her super-giant fashion eyeglasses and dainty little purse went into The Storage Dimension Of Limbo (aka The Backing Mega-Store) and then came back later. But I also note that her acting ability never came back from there, if indeed she ever had any. So this might be a bad idea, especially as it would involve Thor twirling around while wearing giant eyeglasses that look like doll eyeglasses scaled up. > I see the "CHips '99" Erik Estrada action figure still sports a vacant > smile, as did his predecessor from the late '70s/early '80s. Seeing that > brought back memories of the commercial they used to air for them, with > a very dramatic-sounding basso profundo singer Shirley Bassey? > offering suggestions for how kids could derive maximum pleasure from > their "CHips" action figures: > > "...you can pretend that Jon is serious > In this partnership > And Ponch is out to have some fun stunt-riding pose on motorcycle> > They're 'CHips'!" > > Besides the disgracefully awkward way the scriptwriters bailed out on this > set of verses(*), it raises some strong concerns about free will and > determinism, as well as acceptance of oppressive, unrealistic role > expectations. Can we allow for no kind of personal growth and development, > such that Ponch might be "serious" and Jon would be the one "out to have > some fun"? But no, their destinies are as sealed as their respective visages: > YOURS WILL BE A FRIVOLOUS, SUPERFICIAL EXISTENCE, PONCH!11!!!! > SO GET USED TO THAT SMILE!!!!11!! The two commercials that bothered me as a kid were: (A) The action figures for "Tron", an incomplete set of which was released about a year and a half after the movie. Oddly, they were the only toy I've ever seen pitched directly to the PARENTS in voice-over. "Now your kids can pretend they're inside the computer in the movie 'Tron'!" They only came in Tron, Flynn, and "Warrior". No Sark, Yori, or DuMont. No Big Glowing Vertical Master Control Salami With Eyes. And they were single-color plastic with no paint job. They didn't do anything -- Tron didn't even have the ability to put on his Diana Prince glasses to turn into Bruce Boxleitner, brilliant Fortran debugger. They just sat there looking like the injection-molded monochrome lumps they were. (B) For Matchbox cars, there was a commercial where Tom Poston ("Peepers" on "The Bob Newhart Show" and, at the time, "Mr. Bickley" on "Mork & Mindy") showed how they were small enough that you could put them in your pocket OR on top of your head. Why Tom Poston? Why on top of your head? From his facial expression, it was clear that they didn't pay him as much as they would have paid, say, Robert Vaughn. > (*)Actually, they seemed to have a tough time finding satisfactory ways to > rhyme with "CHips" -- > > "...rolling down the highway > Always taking trips..." > > etc. "hips" and "nipple clips" work, but they had to leave them out to keep kids from realizing that "CHiPs" was based on "The Village People". > Now, if there were only a "Dukes of Hazzard 2000" movie, then Kibo would have > _more_ action figures to take pictures of. I didn't take pictures of the Dukes "collectible" dolls (UNLIKE THE OTHER KIND YOU CAN'T KEEP!!!) or the hundreds of unloved Alice ("Brady Bunch") dolls surrounding them, because they just weren't deformed enough, and besides, Bob Hope's tiny soulless doll eyes were staring at my back from the masculine side of the aisle and I didn't want to use up all the film in my digital camera before I got to him. -- K. Someday I will have my own action figure. Its super power will be that it will have its own action figure. P.S. Tom Verre also has a Kodak DC210 with the ROMs upgraded to a DC210 Plus, but mine has firmware version 3.30 and his has 3.10 because I check Kodak's Web site more often than him, which makes me a better person. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Princess Diana coin is AN OUTRAGE!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 14 May 1999 08:56:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > I saw on TV that England is going to release a new > coin with a picture of Princess Diana on it. While > I applaud their idea to remember the Queen of Hearts > and to help people in the grieving process, I CAN'T > BELIEVE THE THOUGHTLESS AND EXPLOITATIVE WAY THEY > ARE DOING IT!!!1! > > The coin will have a picture of the Beautiful > Princess on it, and it will say "Princess Diana" > and "Five Pounds". Now I understand how society > is TOTALLY OBSESSED with wymmyn's WEIGHT, but > DO THEY HAVE TO PUT PRINCESS DIANA'S WEIGHT ON > THE COIN NOW THAT SHE IS A SKELETON? I MEAN WE > ALL *KNOW* THAT A SKELETON WEIGHS FIVE POUNDS! > WHY DO THEY PUT IT ON THE COIN??? It's not > like on the OTHER coins they put "Queen Elizabeth > the Second, One Hundred and Fifty Pounds" do they? I'd just like to take this opportunity to make the only Calista Flockhart joke I have ever, or will ever make. It turns out that she got her name because her heart has fuzz glued to it. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!! Notice I didn't say anything about her sub-human weight. It would be out of bounds for me to pick on her, especially as she couldn't possibly defend herself as she's a weird little stick with cheekbones on top. -- K. Also when they named Jupiter's moon after her they spelled it wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: V2g Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 06:04:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote: > > Friday Voyage to Gravolti. (-24) ?-6,-12,-18,-24,-40 > It seams clear enough that swarms (if thats the proper term) of > mag'ne`toto Droid's & newer el'ect'ro'mag'ne'toto' Droids > have been leaving reminants in this sector space. > Also some individual craters have been sighted. > But, the main bolt that holds the whole WORKs together (see line) > __ ds mm mm/ds _lyte e -6 #bolt !merg mg(-3) __ > has not been materalizing in any reconizable form > epecially for as long as a tenth of a second. You almost made sense for a whole tenth of a second there. Keep on trying. > I do not take the missing mentions as lytely as some may suggest > clearly work in the default domain remains to be thought up > much less defunded, once being more precisly UNdefigned. > My guess would be that its mag of some version? whether ii > or later modles i wouldn't have a clue. It would seam to me > though that a single electron {{ wait for one to visit in e-12 }} > and its attendant mag'?s? < be that singular or plural > > :;: if many mag______'s per electon THEN MAG's themselves may be > e-18 type stuff and i should be looking elsewhere for the bolt > that holds the works together HERE? I get the feeling that somewhere inside your head there's a tiny Quasimdo clutching his ears and moaning, "AAARRGGGHHH!!! THE CLANG ASSOCIATIONS!!!!" > REALLY, I have not a clue? unless it be Mili Grams herself, I know > she shows up over and over & over again in medical pill's in girls > purses. Perhaps I should be looking in that mass of confusion 4the > clue? Perhaps its from within the pharmicutical geology pile i > should pull the file? what did tribolites use for antacid & gas? > has anyone found a prescription for THAT? reminds me of the crater > questions though, and what exactly do subducting zones belch up, > in that trough of regurgation commonly called "Ring of Fire".... > woo hot stuff i `poise. maybe eletrons with two web address? hmm? > > ___LINE 30 see next post by someone else Please don't see my post. You wouldn't like it. It's insulting. -- K. Especially to people other than me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If Kibo was a Starship Captain Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 06:09:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > If Kibo was a Federation starship Captain (appropiately, dammit, with the > training!) I would think that everyone would be asking for transfers to his > ship. > > And when new officers come on board, their personal items are beamed to a > random spot on the ship and they have to find them before they get a room. And in the middle of the ship there's a White Castle. And a bridge you can carry around, and that lets you walk through walls. And there's an invisible Transmolecular Dot in a sealed room that you can take through the impenetrable force field, but only after overloading the central processor so that the force field flickers, and when you carry the Transmolecular Dot through the force field it spells out my initials vertically. And then after you find all your worldly possessions you have to kiss Lois Lane to get your powers back. NICK BENSEMA WILL EXPLAIN THIS WHEN MILK STOPS COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE. -- K. It has to happen someday. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If Kibo was a Starship Captain Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 07:52:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > NICK BENSEMA WILL EXPLAIN THIS WHEN MILK STOPS COMING OUT OF HIS NOSE. > > We're out of milk. > > Now I'm running around the house in a panic with my mouth full of cookies. Fine, I make a post chock-full of obscure Atari 2600 wackiness just for you, and you turn into a commercial for cow by-products. See if I ever ask you to explain anything which could allow you to wax philisophical about the Repeat Register or 6507 hardware bugs again. Also, you forgot to point out that the "Subject:" is supposed to be "If Kibo *were* a Starship Captain", which not only proves I'm More Pedantic Than You, it ruins my opportunity to say "No, you mean 'If Kibo *weren't* a Starship Captain'", you MEAN PERSON YOU!!! RRR!!! So now that you've made me crabby I will post something about the Atari 2600 just to annoy Matt McIrvin: -> Strawberry Shortcake Musical Match-Ups (Parker Brothers)-- -> This game is aimed at little girls, and it is enjoyable just to -> look at the game's graphics. There are six Strawberry Land characters, -> each with a different three-piece outfit. A smiling sun sails across -> the sky to indicate the time remaining. That's a 1983 magazine review of Matt's favorite game. I have never before heard anyone espouse the viewpoint that it's worth buying "Strawberry Shortcake" JUST TO LOOK AT THE AWESOME GRAPHICS. However, I note that the reviewer forgot to comment on the FULLY SYMPHONIC SOUNDTRACK. DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE BURP DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE BURP BURP DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE SQUAWK BURP DEE SQUAWK DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE BURP BURP BURP BURP BURP DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE DEE -- K. They laughed when I sat down at the kazoo, but oh when I began to play! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bob Hope is a theif Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 06:14:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In alt.online-service.webtv, "Ray" (Ondnet@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: Bob Hope is a theif I suppose it would be too much to ask that a WebTV post might be the first one ever to live up to its Subject: header. -- K. It must be true otherwise they wouldn't have to misspell it to avoid being sued. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Spies scorn newsgroups Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 08:02:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > From a long study of US eavesdropping: > > 58. Much other Internet traffic (whether foreign to the US or not) is of > trivial intelligence interest or can be handled in other ways. For > example, messages sent to "Usenet" discussion groups amounts to about 15 > Gigabytes (GB) of data per day; the rough equivalent of 10,000 books. > All this data is broadcast to anyone wanting (or willing) to have it. > Like other Internet users, intelligence agencies have open source access > to this data and store and analyse it. In the UK, the Defence Evaluation > and Research Agency maintains a 1 Terabyte database containing the > previous 90 days of Usenet messages.(35) A similar service, called "Deja > News", is available to users of the World Wide Web (WWW). Messages for > Usenet are readily distinguishable. It is pointless to collect them > clandestinely. I have nothing to say on the subject of monitoring all Usenet traffic to search for possibly encrypted keywords, or on the issues involved in maintaining a secret archive going back to 1991. I mean back to an arbitrary date. -- K. This message is readily distinguishable. But not from the others. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: B*b H*p* D**d P**l F*ll*ng *p Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 08:14:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > The Bob Hope Dead Pool is filling up so quickly that no dates are > available before September: > > September, 1999 > > 1 nomorebob > 2 Browneye > 3 Dennis the Heathen > 4 KneelWithBob > 5 Deathrider > 6 LABORLESS-BOB > 7 Is he still alive? > 8 DeadAsDoorKnob > 9 Woolf > 10 Vacant. > 11 marble kite > 12 MORTGAGE KING > 13 Vacant. > 14 Vacant. > 15 Train > 16 eternal dirt nap Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > What? no one has taken september 13? that would just be toooo perfect. But that's the date Martin Landau will die. Or at least snap and take down hundreds of "Space: 1999" fans with an Uzi. Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > What? no one has taken september 13? that would just be toooo perfect. > > So perfect, I claimed it. > > Under the name Nick "Jaffo" Bensema. Well, remember, I predicted Bob Hope's IMMINENT DEATH back in 1996. Note that I didn't say exactly when he'd die -- I just said "tomorrow" -- so as long as he dies on any day that comes after another day, I win. I just hope Hope doesn't invent a time machine and go back to Year 0 just so he can die on The Day That Didn't Come After Anything. oldness ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AI and Time Awareness Newsgroups: comp.ai.philosophy, alt.sci.time-travel, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 09:48:34 GMT In [comp.ai.philosophy,alt.sci.time-travel], Justking@concentric.com wrote: > > Valucard International wrote: > > > > May the best hallucination win. > > > > I want a God who takes responsibility for His mistakes. > > Funny you should mention that. S'ok, if He won't, I'll take the resoponsibility. It's all my fault. I'm the reason why your box of Girl Scout Cookies has more broken ones than your neighbor's. I'm the reason the Dewey Decimal system give all books about people the number 921. I'm the reason sex makes a mess. I'm the reason the entire cast of "Saturday Night Live" has been eating lead paint chips for years. I'm the reason people think car alarms are a good idea. I'm the reason Hanna-Barbera don't try to entertain children. I'm the reason my computer is cooler than your computer. I'm the reason the Earth is an oblate spheroid instead flat, just to make all maps wrong. I'm the reason caulfilower tastes like cauliflower. I'm the reason your roommate picks out all the red M&Ms. I'm the reason why Bob Hope isn't dead yet. -- K. Of course, if he dies tomorrow, I'm the reason Bob Hope got run over by Fred Flintstone's car. more oldness //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ANNOUNCEMENT, part IIII Date: Sun, 1 Dec 1996 09:39:35 GMT In article <57qgrb$3ht@bertrand.ccs.carleton.ca>, kmennie@chat.carleton.ca (K.M. Mennie) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, when I am elected President, to prove that I support democracy, I > > will give everyone a certificate that entitles them to be President at some > > future date. > > I'd like to place my dibs for the day Jimmy Stewart dies. People will be > too busy looking at clips from 'It's a Wonderful Life' on Headline News to > notice how much I'm embezzling. I just want the one day, you understand, > so it shouldn't be too hard to fit me in right away. Thanks, Kibo! I'd like to point out that (a) Paul Rand died a couple days ago. He designed corporate logos, such as the UPS brown shield, the many variations of "IBM" (solid, reversed, small, outline, thick outline, nine stripes, 11 stripes, etc.) and I believe he did the AT&T death star (in about a dozen forms). The UPS logo was one of his earliest works; later he came to regret making the type geometric and the knot freehand, but the company wouldn't let him revise it. (b) THAT BASTARD BOB HOPE STILL ISN'T DEAD!!!!!!! I repeat: I claim credit in advance for the impending death of Bob Hope. Fred Flintstone will run him over in his car, while on his way to see Dolores Hopediamondrock at the U.S.O.-rock show. -- K. THEN THE FUN ALMOST BEGINS! end oldness ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// And yes, I remembered the difference between Paul Rand and Saul Bass about a minutes after I posted that. Oops. Still, it was three years ago, so nobody will remember my mistake. I win! -- K. I'M STILL WAITING FOR THE FUN TO ALMOST BEGIN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.astro,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ALTERING THE SOLAR SYSTEM (EARTH, MOON, VENUS) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 15 May 1999 08:40:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In two serious science newsgroups and one wacko newsgroup, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > --------- THE END!!! Oh, wait, he put some stuff after that. > > ALTERING THE SOLAR SYSTEM > (EARTH, MOON, VENUS) That's odd, I thought there were some other planets in the Solar System. And that there was at least one Sun. > > Aexander Abian I swear on a stack of correctly-spelled Bibles that I did NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT retouch "Aexander"'s spelling of his name. There are few names as beautiful as "Aexander". In fact, the more letters you leave out, the more beautiful it becomes. Especially if you leave out all of them. Or more. > Everything, every event, every action that occurs on our Planet Earth, > be it of an animate or inanimate object, be it of an electron or of an > atom, be it of a virus or of a person, of a society or of any socio-political > organization, or be it any event connected to the climatic, meteorological > or geological and ecological, status of the Planet Earth , all, all these > are inextricably related to and are consequences of the COSMIC PARAMETERS > OF THE PLANET EARTH! What else could they be consequences of ? Of what > else ?! Video games. Video games cause all the ills of our society. AND THEY KEEP TAKING ALL MY QUARTERS!!! > By Cosmic parameters of the planet Earth I mean the orbit of the > planet Earth, the Tilt of its axis and its position and relationship > to the other celestial bodies, especially to the MOON, Venus and Mars. > > The present five billion year Cosmic parameters of the planet Earth > are responsible for subjecting the human species during the past tens of > millions of years to relentless miseries, inexorable global catastrophes > and unyielding ruthless climatic calamities and deadly diseases. > > There was not a single year, not a a single day in the history of human > species without storms and tempests of disasters and tornadoes of > immolations and holocausts. All these being caused by the Cosmic > parameters of the planet Earth. Wow. There are "tornadoes of immolations" ever day and I missed them. I must've been watching the wrong channel. What channel are you watching, on your television of how many dimensions? (If it's more than five I can't afford one.) > There was not a single year, not a single day when human species was > not tragicly victimized by deadly epidemics such as plagues, cancer and > AIDS or when humanity was not subject to famine, misery, despondency > and devastating floods, earthquakes and various other disasters. All > these being caused by the Cosmic parameters of the planet Earth. > > The perennial inexorable climatic disasters unleashed on the planet Earth > should, beyond any doubt, convince anyone that there is no way that > the traditional methods of combating the awesome celestial devastating > forces could diminish by an iota the resulting and ensuing calamities > and catastrophes which fatally plague the human race! The traditional > methods of fighting or trying to prevent the natural disasters are > tantamount to putting a bandaid on top of the crater of an active > volcano in order to stop the volcano from erupting! Five years ago, Dr. Abian's catchphrase was "EINSTEIN IS COVERED WITH 200 TONS OF COSMETIC LAVA!" and now we see the impending arrival of its successor... "YOU ARE COVERED WITH A 200-TON FLESH-TONE BAND-AID!!!!" > There is but one and only one way to radically save the humanity and > our planet Earth from unrelenting global catastrophes and disasters. > And that is to make radical changes in the Celestial parameters of > the planet Earth! Yes, to put the Earth in a saner orbit and make > some rearrangements in the planetary setup of our Solar System. The easiest way to put the Earth into a saner orbit would be to figure out how to get Archimedes Plutonium to emit a highly repulsive force that would keep the Earth as far away from him as possible. Of course, this would entail making him even more repulsive. And that would be hard to do, although I suppose he could start ranting about wanting to blow up the Moon. > The first and the foremost step for making radical alterations > of Cosmic order, is to CHANGE AND ALTER THE MINDSET OF HUMAN BEINGS. > We must get rid of our insane and slavish acceptance of indoctrinations > and deceiving propaganda of various scientific, social, political, > and religious organizations. These organizations have brainwashed > us and continue to brainwash us by asserting that the entire Celestial > setup (and especially our Solar System) is a "magnificent, miraculous > Celestial harmony" endowed with a supernatural profound wisdom. In > reality though, that "Celestial harmony" is wicked, peevish, pestiferous > and malignant. OHHH, THE MOON IS PEEVED! > There is no reason to believe or to take it for granted that the > existing setup of the entire Solar System or the existing Orbit and the > tilt of the planet Earth are the optimal ones as far as the ecology > of the Earth and quality of life on Earth are concerned. I refuse > to believe that there are no better alternatives than the existing ones. Yeah, what you just said, I refuse to believe it too. All of it. > Unfortunately, Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler, Newton and Einstein, > instead of raising the fist of defiance, they folded their arms and > bowed their heads and kneeled in an apocalyptic owe and servitude > glorifying the "Superbly majestic celestial setup" > It is time to reject these bigoted exaltation of the Cosmic corrupt > machinery and alter and reshuffle it rationally. To this end, the > following proposals should be very seriously considered and studied > by detailed computerized simulations as to their effects in improving > the existing dismally calamitous Cosmic setup. "reshuffle"? Does anyone get the idea that Dr. Abian is hoping to play 3-card monte with the Solar System? DR. ABIAN, IT'S RIGGED, IT'S ALWAYS RIGGED. YOU CAN'T WIN. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU LOOK UNDER THE MOON. > The Moon being the closest Celestial body to the planet Earth must > be the first candidate for altering the present Cosmic setup. > > > 1. TAMPER WITH THE MOON > > > The Moon being the only satellite of the planet Earth has many > detrimental effects. Its gravitational pull creates precession > of the rotational axis of the planet Earth causing all kinds > of geological and meteorological disasters and devastations on > the planet Earth. The oceanic tides also disturb and wobble > the planet Earth creating spasmodic seizures with undesirable > irregularities in the orbital movement of the planet Earth. > > Thus it is proposed: > > a) To jolt the Moon in order to jolt the Earth into a saner and > healthier (for human beings) orbit. > > b) To land the Moon on planet Earth (somewhere in the Pacific > Ocean) in order to augment the Earth's territory and eliminate > the abovementioned detrimental effects of the Moon. > > c) To bring one or several Moons of other planets (such as Mars > or Jupiter) and suppley the planet Earth with two or three > Moons in order to better balance Earth's movement and obtain > a more reliable overall stability. > > d) To blow up the Moon into 2 or 3 pieces or to eliminate it completely. Are you going to do these in order? If so, I will help you land the Moon on your house before we blow it up. And the Moon too. > All these proposed alterations must be carefully studied via computerized > simulations and their effects carefully examined. And all these prior to > taking or initiating the actual implementation of any of the above > suggested alterations. > > > 2. REORBITING VENUS INTO A BORN AGAIN EARTH > > With the natural rate of growth of human population, it is evident > that there will be a time when the resources and the territory of > our planet Earth will not be adequate to sustain the physical > existence of the mankind. To curtail and control the growth of human > population must be out of question. Human beings are the most > valuable and precious cosmic commodity. The genius of mankind, > via its science and technology, is capable to reorganize and > reshape the entire Cosmos for the benefit of mankind ! So not > only the growth of human population must be controlled, but on the > contrary the cosmic parameters of more and more planets should be > altered in order to acquire conditions suitable for maintaining > the human life as we know it. In other words, we must create "Born > again planets Earth". > > Regardless of all the perennial calamities and catastrophes which > relentlessly occur on our planet Earth, apparently the unique > Cosmic parameters of our planet Earth are such that they allowed > the emergence of the human species on it. > > Thus, to create Born again Planet Earths, we must look for > candidates among those planets which have characteristics > resembling those of our planet Earth. > > In this connection, Mars was and is mentioned very often by the > organizations involved in space technology. > I strongly question the suitability of Mars as a human habitat. > Mars is an extremely inhospitable planet incapable of providing humans > with an atmosphere which can sustain the air for breathing since its > gravity is 1/3 that of the Earth, its atmospheric pressure is > 3/500 that of the Earth and its atmosphere almost entirely > consists of CO2. Mars is a frozen planet imbued by the solar lethal > ultraviolet radiations and swept by global dust. Too far (142 million > miles) from the Sun and too far (50 million miles) from the Earth. It's a good thing those brainiac double-domes at NASA figured out a way to brake it so it would always stay the same distance from the Earth. > It is hopeless to create on Mars any human life sustaining conditions > which are offered in a natural way by our planet Earth. > > > On the other hand, I strongly recommend Venus as a viable and realistic > candidate for the second human habitat. Venus is almost an identical > twin of our planet Earth. Its mass, gravity and geology is almost > identical with those of the planet Earth. True, that because of its > being some 30 million miles closer to the Sun than the Earth is, and > because of the green house effect due to its extremely dense (90 > times heavier than that of the Earth's) atmosphere (almost > entirely consisting of CO2 and H2SO4) Venus is the hottest (900 F) > planet in the Solar system and is called the Hellish Planet. Thus, > at its present state, Venus is totally unsuitable for human habitation. > > But let us not forger that our Planet Earth was also a Hellish > Planet some time ago and as soon as it acquired its present orbit > it became suitable for creating and sustaining the human life. Thus, > it is obvious that by REORBITING VENUS and assigning to it an Earth > like (and hopefully much more improved) orbit, the gradual process > of generating the human life-sustaining ecology on Venus will evolve > automatically and we will be witnessing the process of creation of > a born again planet Earth. > There is no better alternative! REORBITING VENUS is the way, > it is the way of the future, there is no other way ! So. the whole > worldwide Space Technology must with unwavering determination direct > their efforts also on the REORBITING VENUS. Why just just get the Sun to orbit around the Earth like it used to? Then the Pope would give you the Nobel Prize! > In conclusion, it is high time that we examine the Celestial setup of > our Planet Earth, Moon and Venus rationally and not taking it for granted. > The human genius must not and will not tolerate for humans to be orbited > around the Sun like a horde of blind-folded speechless slaves in a > decadent corrupt orbit without imposing its own will in choosing the > Celestial parameters of (at least) the Earth, Moon and Venus. In fact, > it is high time to replace: > > The origin of species by means of natural selection, > or the preservation of favoured races in the struggle > for life. (C. Darwin, 1859) > by > > The future of species by means of rational alteration > of the Cosmos, or preservation of intelligent races in > the struggle for life (A. Abian 1992) > -- > ------------------------------------------------------------------------- > ABIAN TIME-MASS EQUIVALENCE FORMULA T = A m^2 in Abian units. > ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT TO STOP GLOBAL DISASTERS AND EPIDEMICS. > JOLT THE MOON TO JOLT THE EARTH INTO A SANER ORBIT.ALTER THE SOLAR SYSTEM. > REORBIT VENUS INTO A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT TO CREATE A BORN AGAIN EARTH(1990) > THERE WAS A BIG SUCK AND DILUTION OF PRIMEVAL MASS INTO THE VOID OF SPACE Make your signature file as small as Charles Darwin's, then we'll talk. -- K. If I had a signature, it would go right here: +--------------------------------------------+ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | +--------------------------------------------+ P.S. If you make your BIG SUCK signature as small as Darwin's, I'll give you a SIG BUCK. And I mean Darwin the talking dolphin on "seaQuest". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Subject Of The Day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 16 May 1999 06:31:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com I would just like to nominate the following as today's example of an article which didn't live up to my interpretation of the Subject: header -- > Subject: Hoseless Computer Info Needed ...it turned out it was about scuba equipment. Waah! I thought it was going to be some new kind of WebTV that didn't suck. -- K. WebTVs really should make scuba regulator noises just so everyone can hear them sucking. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alleged 'Highlander' Stalker Nabbed Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 18 May 1999 05:35:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press reported: > > COVENTRY, Conn. (AP) -- ``Highlander, The Series'' star Adrian > Paul is breathing easier now that police have arrested an alleged > stalker accused of telephoning him dozens of times a day and > calling him ``Bunny Nose.'' So, which is more embarassing... a) Being arrested as being a stalker, b) Being arrested as being a stalker who used the phrase "Bunny Nose" thirty times a day, c) Being arrested as being a stalker who was stalking someone who couldn't order Caller ID, or d) Being arrested as being a stalker who was stalking someone who isn't even a big enough star to have been in "Highlander II: The Quickening"? WATCH OUT, NEIL CONNERY! > Cheryl Roberts, 38, was arrested Friday morning at her > Connecticut home on a federal warrant from California. > Assistant U.S. Attorney Nora Dannehy said several of the many > telephone calls Paul received were threatening, and some of them weren't even from AT&T! > including one in which Roberts allegedly said she was a stalker and > knew how to use a gun. Guns are hard! > Roberts called Paul ``Bunny Nose,'' but then said ``I will hurt > you in ways you wish to God that you didn't have to be hurt,'' > according to authorities. "I will tie you down and make you watch 'Highlander II: The Quickening'. Followed by 'Highlander II: The Quickening: The Renegade Version'. Followed by 'Highlander: The Final Dimension'. Followed by the episode of 'Highlander: The Series' that was a spin-off pilot featuring Claudia Christian with the world's funniest attempt at a Scottish accent. And then... I will make you watch the Sci-Fi Channel while they show 15,000 consecutive ads for the unexpurgated home videos of the European versions of 'Highlander: The Series'. Especially the episode where Claudia Christian thinks she's Scottish. She really isn't, you know. I could tell." > A U.S. District Court judge in Hartford ordered Roberts to > undergo a psychiatric review to determine her competence to stand > trial in California. Court is hard! > Paul released a statement saying he was glad the case was in > authorities' hands. Hey, Paul, where was your big sword? -- K. It's a shame those "Highlander" stores run by Desmond Llewellyn went out of business. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.startrek.vs.starwars From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I was disappointed at the "Star Wars" premiere... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 06:48:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology So, I hopped on the train at near midnight today to see (and photograph) the crowd of local bozos rolling up their drool-encrusted sleeping bags to get into the theater at 12:01am to see "Star Wars: Episode Eye" DURING THE VERY FIRST MINUTE IT'S ALLOWED BY LAW, WOO-HOO! Anyway, I got to the theater and there were three people waiting outside. Three. A twosie and a onesie. They didn't have sleeping bags, and didn't seem particularly anxious to get in -- they weren't jumping up and down or anything, they didn't have sweat rivulets trickling down their arms or any sort of rivulet trickling down their legs, and none of them was wearing a Darth Maul mask. Could it be that the "Star Wars" phenom wasn't all it was cracked up to be? Then I noticed the theater marquee: 1 2 THE MATRIX THE MUMMY starring KEANU REEVES starring BRENDAN FRASER Amazing! I had stumbled upon a theater that wasn't showing "Star Wars: Episode Eye"! The three people who weren't milling around out front looked intelligent enough for me to assume that they hadn't been camping out for three weeks to see a movie that was NEVER COMING TO THIS THEATER. Or were they? After all, the alternatives were that they were seeing a movie based on a comic book, or a remake of a horror movie from the forties. These two possibilities were tinged with the same sense of bozosity which pervades films starring cultish-doctrine-spouting Muppets. (BY THE WAY, IN CASE YOU CAN'T TELL, I'M TALKING ABOUT YODA.) Of course, the only way to find out whether these people were Warsies or Matrixies or Mumsies would be to ask them. And that would mean human contact, and according to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle this would contaminate the experiment by introducing human contact into the nerds, and by making me have to go near them. Ick. So, I employed a clever ruse. I nonchalantly wandered into the theater, made a bee-line right for the popcorn counter (where the tiny popcorn machine was spitting out about a quart of fresh-popped popcorn while the staffer was emptying a fifty-gallon plastic bag of pre-popped corn into the big glass box) and kept out of the way for a moment. Then I took a deep breath, strode energetically from the theater, and as I passed the three people waiting outside, I yelled, "WOW, WAS THAT A GREAT MOVIE! I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT AT THE END JABBA THE HUTT TURNS OUT TO BE LUKE SKYWALKER'S GRANDFATHER!" Unfortunately, none of the three people burst into tears when I revealed the secret ending, so we must assume that they were too smart to be waiting to get into "Star Wars" where "Star Wars" wasn't. From this experiment, we can conclude: 1.) We have no proof that people are actually camping out to be the first to see "Star Wars: Episode Eye". (Assuming there actually is a movie by that title.) 2.) Most "Star Wars" fans, if any actually exist, are capable of figuring out where to go to see "Star Wars". 3.) I didn't figure it out. I submit this as proof that I'm not a mega-nerdicular "Star Wars" fanboy. 4.) "AT THEATERS EVERYWHERE" is a lie. 5.) On the way home I bought a bag of dried artificial "Raspcherries" which are made from equal parts raspberries, cherries, and marionberries. Apparently "marionberry" is a real type of berry. I did not know that. Thus I learned that the Washington, D.C. mayor doesn't have a girl's name, he has a fruit's name. 6.) Also, Jabba The Hutt is Luke's grandfather. -- K. I was further disappointed to learn that the original Kirk and Spock weren't in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fox Might Spin Off `Ally McBeal' Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 19 May 1999 07:02:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press reported: > > > NEW YORK (AP) -- ``Ally McBeal'' is expected to expand its > rollicking law practice into a half-hour version also airing in Fox > prime time this fall. > ``It looks like it's going to happen,'' said David E. Kelley, > creator of the original series, now finishing its second hit > season, and originator of the spinoff idea. Gosh, I hope he patented The Spinoff Idea so that nobody else can ever make a spinoff. It would be terrible if other TV shows could have spinoffs too. Imagine, they might even try making a spinoff of "Frasier". Imagine, Frasier on A DIFFERENT SHOW. It would be FREAKY!!! > Fox, which unveils its fall prime-time schedule Thursday, > declined to comment. > The new series would feature the same characters, cast and > theme: an unconventional Boston law firm as likely to break into > song in the unisex bathroom as to plead a case in a courtroom. > But, unique in TV annals, ``Ally'' Junior would consist of > unused and repeat footage shot for the hour-long series, as well as > brand-new scenes, all edited into individual half-hour stories. WOW!!! SIGN ME UP FOR A HEAPING HELPING OF THE FLOOR-SWEEPINGS SMILE TIME FILLER HALF-HOUR WHICH SEEMS LIKE TWO!!! > While the original series intermixes drama with zaniness, the > freestanding spinoff would have a distinctively comic bent, with > its stories set in the firm and after hours. No court scenes would > be included, Kelley said. > Fox is expected to leave the original ``Ally McBeal'' in its > current time slot Monday at 9 p.m. EDT, while ``Ally'' Lite may air > Tuesday at 8 p.m. EDT. If Calista Flockhart loses some weight to be "Ally Lite", the other actors will have to be careful not to touch her 'cause she'll be made of antimatter. > Kelley said he proposed the new ``Ally'' for the network lineup > a couple of weeks ago, after experimenting with re-editing ``Ally'' > episodes. > ``It occurred to me that, for syndication, they might play > better in a half-hour form,'' he said. (When buying shows to slot > before or after network prime-time fare, TV stations usually prefer > half-hours to hours.) > Kelley said he reasoned that, along with its instant familiarity > among current ``Ally'' fans and its lower cost, the new series > would boast a distinctly different style from traditional sitcoms, > which employ multi-camera photography and laugh tracks. > ``Call it what you want -- comedy, dramedy -- I think we can > demonstrate that a single-camera show can be very funny,'' Kelley > said. Yeah, it'll be the first time a one-camera sitcom has actually been entertaining, given that nobody ever watched "M*A*S*H" or the first season of "Happy Days" or that "NewsRadio" show that was on for three weeks way back in the 1950s. -- K. Incidentally, Desi Arnaz invented the three-camera sitcom format *and* the rerun, ruining television forever. P.S. "Burns & Allen" pioneered the TWO-camera format, which was the same setup we had in my high school. In fact, I think it was George Burn's old equipment.