Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Al Gore's Open Source Presidential campaign Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 03:39:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I figure that a few years from now, President Ventura will be leafing > > through the FBI's "Dangerous Internet Wackos" file, and ten thousand pages > > into mine, he'll find that message, which explains that it contains sarcasm, > > and thus he'll realize that I'm a nice guy and wasn't trying to SECRETLY > > mock the United States political process, and he'll tear up my file and > > invite me to have a beer with him on that talking stealth boat he drives > > on his TV series, "Thunder In Paradise". > > Just to expedite the process, I have forwarded the Ventura staff a copy > of the above article so they will be aware of it when their guy becomes > President in a couple of years. Hey! Not a couple. I plan to become President in a couple of years, after narrowly losing the 2000 election but winning the 2001 election in a landslide. Ventura will have to be President *AFTER* I leave office, and since I plan to be President For Life, the only way he'll be able to get me out will be to BRIBE me to resign. (He can't kill me because I know I'll still be alive when he's in office because the above article says so in the flash-forward.) So, I said "a few years from now" (meaning at least fifty but less than a hundred) and not "in a couple of years". Of course, the only problem with this is that Jesse's "Thunder In Paradise" show -- the one where there's ALWAYS a canal! -- just might get cancelled by then once the quality degrades. > Where can I get a copy of the FBI's Dangerous Internet Wackos file? It > has to be posted on the web someplace, right? Maybe on the Welcome to the > Gore web site? I hear that Ross Perot plans on dropping out of the race just because Gore posted a photo of his daughter nude on his Web site. Gore, of course, secured such a nudie photo (and thousands of others) through the use of his perverted new form of HTML which allows it to actually take a photograph of you any time your Web browser is looking at his site. It's like a two-way mirror only not so fake-looking. -- K. And what do you call Jesse Ventura when he's wearing bellbottom slacks with flame coming out the bottoms? JESSE VENTURI! I'm sorry, you should see the one I took out when I thought of that one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Al Gore's Open Source Presidential campaign Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 06:03:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com WARNING! SERIOUS NERD RANT! Gary Williams (gwms@spectra.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 12. In the aforementioned > > > > > > > > ...you might want to know that there's no such HTML tag as "", > > because "" has no content (like and
, it takes no > > closing tag.) "" is non-standard, anyway. For broader > > compatibility, you could use a single-pixel transparent GIF: > > > > > > > > Why not use   ? I was hoping you might ask that. You don't EVER want to use   in a table for a very good reason. The W3C specs on how Web browsers are supposed to work say that this is supposed to happen: 1.) HTML "entities", such as " ", are translated into single characters in the internal HTML character set (which has a character for the non- breaking space.) 2.) Then, the page is laid out once all the entities have become single chars. Here's how some (or all) versions of Mosaic, Netscape Navigator, and Microsoft Internet Explorer work: 1.) The page is laid out. 2.) The six-character string " " is replaced with one " ". Why is this bad? Because they arrange the table cells while " " is six times as long as it will be when it's drawn. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH. So, in my Netscape, if you have a table that goes all the way across the screen and a cell is packed with " "s, each cell comes out at least five characters wider than it should be, and the table sticks out past the right edge of the window. In my Internet Explorer, the cells also become too wide, but the table doesn't get wider, so the cells overlap. In at least one Mosaic I've seen. " " displays as the characters "&", "n", "b", "s", "p", and ";" when it's used inside a table. In other words, all three browsers are broken in the same general manner but with different specifics -- none of them deals with " " correctly inside tables (although they can sort of get it right outside of tables.) And the W3C HTML specs even say exactly how NOT to screw this up. But because all three of these browsers evolved from Mosaic 1.0, with stuff like tables piggy-backed on, they just slapped in some table code without rewriting the browser from scratch to do things in the correct order (first do the entities, then do the layout). This is why I think all developers of Web browsers should be given a firm spanking. By a spanking machine. Designed by the W3C. And the spanking action would be powered by an eternally-oscillating tag. Anyway, another way of trying to make empty table cells -- by using a regular space -- doesn't work because in some Web browsers, " " renders not as an empty cell, but as a solid block of the cell-border color. The best ways I've found to get around the brokenness of these browser include either (a) filling the cell with an invisible GIF (yuk) or (b) filling the cell with "." (double yuk) or (b) defining a style-sheet "zap {visibility:invisible}" and filling the cell with "." (depends on CSS support, which is even more broken in Netscape and MSIE than tables and entities are.) This may give you some hint why I don't try to make www.kibo.com look really weird and fancy. Because that would make it look broken in broken Web browsers, like the three that account for 99.999% of the market. -- K. Yes, Internet Explorer is a version of "Mosaic". The "About" display gives credit for the NCSA Mosaic source code. And believe it or not, I consider the WebTV to display HTML more "correctly" than Netscape or MSIE. (That doesn't mean I would ever enjoy using one.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Short Shameful Confession. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 03:46:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Des Courtney (deslee@bright.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I know I'm not the only one who thought that the stylized Postal Service > > eagle (used until the early 1990s) was a picture of a postal employee's > > head, in profile, with a really big and deformed hat. > > *blushes* (meekly) You're not... > > GET OUT OF MY HEAD! YOU GOT YOUR HEAD IN MY PEANUT BUTTER! WHILE SITTIN' ON A RITZ! AND PROPOSING A TOASTEDS! WITH BRIM! IN BED! ON YER BIKE! THE CLOWN! BURMA SHAVE! 2000! (this is followed by a fart noise so loud that it destroys the entire Universe, and it's impossible to top that so I win. Plus I no longer feel so bloated.) -- K. This type of behaviour will not be tolerated in the seaQuest community. EXCEPT FROM AN ANNOYING DOLPHIN!!! Sincerely, Your Pal, Kibo, the Internet's talking dolphin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Support good guys, yes. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 04:01:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "c willgren" (cwillgren@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Listen folks, STAR WARS... er... where is the dang figlet key? > > Listen folks! > > _______.___________. ___ .______ > / | | / \ | _ \ > | (----`---| |----` / ^ \ | |_) | > \ \ | | / /_\ \ | / > .----) | | | / _____ \ | |\ \----. > |_______/ |__| /__/ \__\ | _| `._____| > > ____ __ ____ ___ .______ _______. > \ \ / \ / / / \ | _ \ / | > \ \/ \/ / / ^ \ | |_) | | (----` > \ / / /_\ \ | / \ \ > \ /\ / / _____ \ | |\ \----.----) | > \__/ \__/ /__/ \__\ | _| `._____|_______/ > > ___ _ > | |_ _ |_)|_ _.._ _|_ _ ._ _ |\/| _ ._ _. _ _ > | | |(/_ | | |(_|| | |_(_)| | | | |(/_| |(_|(_(/_ Waah! You put dividers between the "S" and "T", and between "R" and "S"! Now not only did you render the logo so unfaithfully that it's impossible to tell what movie you're talking about, but now I'll have to shoot the outer loop an EXTRA time in the pinball machine to light up "ST" in two separate pieces! I hate you! Also, the small type doesn't look like News Gothic. > __ _____ _ _ ___ > ...needs \ \ / / _ \| | | | _ \ > \ V / (_) | |_| | / > |_| \___/ \___/|_|_\ support. Without you, the consumer and > standard issue mindless movie watcher, there is no hope for such a great > movie. All four (4; IV) billion prints will most likely be forever lost > when they are burned and all evidence of the movie has been erased. The > media has ignored what may be the greatest movie of all time ever! > Because of this great media-driven tragedy, the public is unaware of the > release in over 17 (seventeen; XHFG) trillion movie theaters all around > the United America of the States! I just can't wait until it hits home video so I can pick up the box and hold it over my head while shouting at the clerk, "I HAVEN'T HEARD OF THIS, WAS IT MADE FOR DIRECT-TO-VIDEO? IS IT A REAL STAR WARS FILM OR JUST SOMETHING YOU MADE UP?" Especially if I'm in The Everything Is 99c Store at the time, so I can also yell "HOW MUCH DOES THIS COST?" > Maybe you need a little background to be convinced that STAR WARS: THE > PHANTOM MENSA isn't what KFC, Taco Bell, and Pizza Hut want you to > believe. It all started back in the 1970's after the first Star Wars was > released. George Lucas bought an island in the Pacific Ocean, now called > "Skywalker Hawaii," and he has lived there since. Flash forward to the > 1990's. Lucas looks around his island, and *blap*, it hits him: he needs > a bigger island. He threw together a simple cast made up of actors > everyone knows (who would've gone to Scream if Michael Moore wasn't in > it?) and special effects. I loved when Michael Moore replaced Roy Dotrice after the first season of DSV's "seaQuest NBC". > The rest (i.e., script, plot, etc.) came together when the cast was > forced to improvise at gun-point. HA I HAVE FOUND A HOLE IN YOUR STORY YOU TWERP! GEORGE LUCAS WOULD HAVE USED A REAL LIGHTSABER NOT A GUN! I HAVE WON THIS ARGUMENT FOREVER! BWA-HA-HA-HA! I AM THE KING OF THE STAR WARS PART OF THE INTERNET! I AM DARTH SUPERMAN!!! > And now look around, there is no mention of this movie anywhere. An > independent director could sell his car, make a cheapo movie, and it would > get more press and merchandizing than STAR WARS: THE PHAT'N'TOM MENACE > would ever get. Yeah, like that stupid Italian movie that won the Oscar despite the fact that it was made in some OTHER country and its star was DEAD and it was a remake of a Kevin Costner film which demonstrated that in the world of the future, Jean-Claude Van Damme movies will be considered good! > It is now your job to see the movie, tell people about how GOOD it is, > and see it again and again. I don't want you to say stuff like "The > beginning was good but it sort of deflated like a milk jug with the air > pumped out after that." Waah! I bought a gallon of milk and there was almost no air in it! I was ripped off! I'm going to sue George Lucas! > Say "The beginning was good." That's all! If you don't have anything > nice to say, don't mention the bad parts. Ever! Say "I liked the typeface in the credits." or "My seat didn't have much gum on it." Don't mention that "Trekkies" is also playing in theaters and it has a stronger plot and fewer annoying characters. > > That is your mission. Oh, and SUCK THE TONGUE OF > > @@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@@ @@@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@@ > @@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@ @@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@ > @@! @@! @@@ @@! @@@ @@! @@! @@@ @@! @@@ > !@! !@! @!@ !@! @!@ !@! !@! @!@ !@! @!@ > !!@ @!@!@!@! @!@!!@! !!@ @!@!@!@! @!@!!@! > !!! !!!@!!!! !!@!@! !!! !!!@!!!! !!@!@! > !!: !!: !!! !!: :!! !!: !!: !!! !!: :!! > !!: :!: :!: !:! :!: !:! !!: :!: :!: !:! :!: !:! > ::: : :: :: ::: :: ::: ::: : :: :: ::: :: ::: > : ::: : : : : : : : ::: : : : : : : > > And help buy Lucas a new island! He was looking at England but I told > him it was a peninsula. Hey, Lucas had The Ice Planet and The Desert Planet and The Swamp Planet and The Forest Planet, so why not set "Star Wars Episode II: The Circle Of Brigham" on a planet that's one big peninsula? Also, if every planet has just one kind of terrain, and no two have the same terrain, is there one planet which is covered waist-deep in glue that's about to dry the moment you land on it? I need to know for my homework and I need to know by next week. Sincerely, Glen Larson. -- K. So, will Glen Larson's knockoff of Jar Jar in "Battlestar Galactica Episode I The Movie" be more or less annoying than Lucas's? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Support good guys, yes. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 07:55:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, will Glen Larson's knockoff of Jar Jar in "Battlestar Galactica > > Episode I The Movie" be more or less annoying than Lucas's? > > I say we kill the director now just in case the answer is more. Hmm, the director of "Battlestar Galactica: The Motion Picture" will have to be Christian I. Nyby III, who is really Howard Hawks III. DIFFICULTY OF CHRISTIAN I. NYBY REFERENCE: ONE CENTON DIFFICULTY OF CHRISTIAN I. NYBY JR. REFERENCE: TWO MCIRVONS > Maybe in twenty years, George Lucas will release The Phantom Mentos again > after digitally removing Jar-Jar and inserting some less annoying character, > like a computer-generated version of Fran Drescher with explosive diarrhea > and a severe case of Tourette's Syndrome. And all her dialogue will written as if the Bit in "Tron" had Tourette's. > MOISTEN STAR WARS BEFORE INSERTING FRAN DRESCHER! SPACE: 1999: 2000: THE PHANTOM MENACE IN SPACE (MARTIN LANDAU runs through the room screaming because his hair is on fire.) BARBARA BAIN: Oh. NICOLE KIDMAN: Yes. AL GORE: I agree. (FRAN DRESCHER flies through the room powered by her explosive diarrhea, which fills the room with killer soap suds.) BARBARA BAIN: Look. NICOLE KIDMAN: I understand. AL GORE: I agree. (GERRY ANDERSON's "Supercar" collides with GLEN LARSON's "Knight Rider" and the Moon explodes.) ALEXANDER ABIAN: Ha! Ha! BARBARA BAIN: The moon blew up. NICOLE KIDMAN: The moon blew up? AL GORE: I agree. -- K. So tell me, M. Otis, where did you get the idea of associating Jar Jar with explosive diarrhea? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: STORY: Star Wars By Wonder Mike Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 04:33:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sex.stories, "M6968" (m6968@aol.com) wrote: > > This story contains graphic sexual situations, if you > are underage or easily offended. Stop reading > > > STAR WARS EPISODE 1 > The Amidala adventures > By Wonder Mike > > > > THE PEACEFUL SURFACE DWELLERS OF THE PLANET NABOO > WERE FACING THEIR MOST SERIOUS CHALLENGE > THE EVIL TRADE FEDERATION HAD INVADED > THEIR WORLD AND WERE CHASING THEIR > RULER, THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS AMIDALA. > THE RESOURCEFUL PRINCESS MANAGED TO > ESCAPE HER CASTLE TO THE FREEDOM > OF THE FORREST WITH HE TRUSTY > SERVANT, AND TWIN PADME How did Forrest Ackerman get into this? Wow, he's never been in a cheezy sci-fi film before. > Padme: Your highness, we must escape the planet, and reach the > counsel, they must be made aware of the invasion. > > Amidala: My place is her with my people, I cannot leave > them to suffer, I have another plan. > > The two women traveled through the Forrest until they > came upon the edge of the great ocean. > > Padme: Your highness, we must leave this area, this is the home > of the Gungan, they are as bad as the Trade Federation. > > Amidala: They are our only help, they must be made to > help us. > > The women were startled at the appearance of one of the > hated Gungan's. > > Me Jar Jar Binks You? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO > I am Padme, and this is queen Amidala. You must take us > to your home world, we have been invaded. > > Me no take you home, me banned. > > You must take us, both our world are in grave jeopardy. > > Me no take you, not possible. > > Padme, you must convince this Gungan to take us. > > Padme slowly removed her robe exposing her perfect body, > Jar Jar's ears stuck straight up. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO > "Me like Padme" > > Padme noticed the growth between Jar Jar's legs, it was > growing and growing and growing. NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoops, I accidentally deleted the rest of the story. -- K. Do you have Jar Jar in a jar? P.S. I can't wait for some fanboy to write a Star Wars Lego sex story. "Leia unsnapped Darth Vader's helmet, revealing his yellow smiley face. But then his legs fell off and the vacuum cleaner ate him. THE END." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: JAR JAR BINKS HOSPITALIZED ME! -or- REVENGE OF THE CITROMA! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Mon, 24 May 1999 07:36:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com [warning: the following 100% true account of today's adventure contains detailed descriptions of things going into or coming out of parts of my body you don't want to read about. The names of the people involved are not given because I forgot them all within seconds of being introduced.] JAR JAR BINKS HOSPITALIZED ME! -or- REVENGE OF THE CITROMA! True story of Kibo's afternoon Sunday, May 23, 1999 You may recall that late Thursday night (Friday morning) I taste-tested the "Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Tongue Candy", a "Star Wars" toy with candy in the back of its mouth that you can only eat by French-kissing it. And while I was attempting to eat one of these -- just for you people -- I was suddenly struck by massive diarrhea. Well, it's now late Sunday night, and I just got back from the hospital emergency ward. This will be a long and twisty story detailing how I got from Jar Jar Binks to a life-threatening medical matter. I hadn't had anything else to eat right before the deadly Jar Jar tongue pop, except for a single blue gummi shark from the same candy store. About three hours before, I had two chicken patties and a bowl of fresh chicken soup, and about eight hours before, I had some roast chicken with corn and noodles and beans (hey, Thursday is chicken night, Friday is REAL MEAT night!) but other than the shark, nothing was close enough to the consumption of my Jar Jar pop to be a possible cause of the diarrhea. I'll rule out the shark because I have more of those sharks and they seem to be harmless constructs of colored gelatin, and besides, the diarrhea had red tongue-colored bits in it, not blue shark-colored bits. The diarrhea came in tidal waves every twenty minutes or so all night. Then it stopped. And so did everything else. After nothing else wanted to come out of my butt (no matter what I put in, including six White Castles, my favorite intestinal lubricant) I realized that I had a near-total intestinal blockage. Whatever was stuck in there was irritating my intestine, causing the "paradoxical diarrhea" (the technical term for diarrhea caused by constipation.) So, in the wake of Jar Jar, I was hit with a day of diarrhea, followed by a couple days of my abdomen getting bigger and bigger and making lots of noises. I tried the usual remedies, which you don't want to know about (two involved mineral oil, one of which involved drinking mineral oil) and absolutely nothing was forthcoming (although a little gas could squeeze around the blockage with great effort.) My intestines were tighter than Penn Jilette's cummerbund. Over the weekend I considered going to the hospital to see if the doctors could roto-root away whatever was lodged in there, but of course that would be expensive (I don't have health insurance because Michael Moore isn't doing a very good job of making Hillary Clinton give me health insurance.) I looked through the Yellow Pages for all the proctologists in the entire metropolitan area, and there was one (in Newton) and nobody answered their phone when I called on Saturday afternoon. (Apparently The Last Surviving Proctologist can't afford an answering machine.) I stood on my head and jumped up and down and bought one of everything that was cheap at the local drugstore. But still the intestinal barricade would not yield. Finally, on Sunday afternoon, I took the subway down to Massachusetts General Hospital -- where Michael Crichton was an intern when he was writing bad science fiction where he demonstrated he has no clue how things like bacteria work, and where the scientist in "Altered States" took the magical drugs that made him sparkle -- and checked myself into the emergency department. (Contrary to expectations, Crichton's hospital does not have an NBC-style ER, they have an ED, which made me worry that Bob Dole was going to be handing out Viagra.) On the way in I noticed the carefully-hidden plaque which said "THE CODE FOR FIRE IS 'DRILL', NEVER SAY 'FIRE'!" (This is a violation of my First Amendment rights! But fortunately it wasn't important because they didn't have a theater.) I talked to the triage nurse, who took my blood pressure and temperature (which was 97 Fahrenheit, which is low even for me -- I'm usually more like 98.2) and asked what was wrong. I described in detail, miming actions with my hands and making all the sound effects. She asked me if I had any vomiting. I said "Not yet." Then they told me to drop my form into the black bin at Admissions. I made the mistake of putting my form on top, because they always take the one on the bottom first in an effort to take people in the order they came in -- next time I'll slip my form under the others. They couldn't tell me whether or not I was eligible for Free Care because the guy didn't know where the poverty line was, so he had me fill out an application (I don't think I qualify...) and, amazingly, the hospital database knew my current address. Which is odd, given that the only other time I was there (with the infected finger which drained itself during the four hours I was in the waiting room, so I walked out) I lived elsewhere. I suspect that, because I walked out last time, it screwed up their database, because they started mailing me bills for my breast cancer and learning disability. I never paid them, and the bills stopped coming, but I suspect someone at their collection department tracked down my address when I moved. Anyway, the clerk at the Admissions desk printed out a blue hospital ID card for me (oddly, I didn't get the wristband promised in the "About Emergency Services" instructional propaganda leaflet.) After waiting in the waiting room a little while (only about five minutes), a nurse fetched me and bade me follow her down the blue line to the Multi(purpose) part of the ED. (MGH's ED is split into Trauma, Major, Minor, and Multi, and I think they put you in Multi when they don't know whether you're Major or Minor.) During the walk, she asked what was wrong with me, and I described it again, and she asked if I had any vomiting, and I said "Not yet." She had me take off my clothes, except for my underwear and socks (bringing to mind an old Morecambe & Wise comedy routine, but never mind.) Then I waited in my room, Bay 10 of the ED Multi area, for a doctor. The first thing I noticed about the room was how messy it was. The supplies were a little cluttered and piled, sort of like in the average suburban garage. There was a Tootsie Roll wrapper on the floor (to taunt me?) Most intriguing was the large red BIOHAZARD trash can with the bright yellow puddle around its base. (I think it was Betadine or Phisoderm or one of those other doctors' hand cleansers that stains your skin the color of Vlasic brine.) Somewhere within hearing, something was going "BOOP!" once every one and a half seconds. The desk clerk at the nurses' station brought me an ID card -- identical in every respect to the one the Admissions clerk had given me, and my nurse came back and fastened a matching ID bracelet around my wrist. (They used to use plastic bands fastened with adhesive strips to prevent you from taking them off until you got home, because everyone knows there are no scissors in hospitals. The new ones are still uncuttable plastic, but now they're fastened with a one-way plastic snap that looks like a tiny translucent Altoids box.) A doctor came in, accompanied by two studious interns who also had stethoscopes, and one guy who didn't and just hung around in the corner. (I think he just liked to watch.) The doctor asked me what was wrong, and I told him, and he asked if I had any vomiting, and I said "Not yet." (As in "I've read the medical literature and I know that if I eat anything more the poop will back up into my stomach and I'll throw up all over the place and go insane.) He then proceeded to examine me -- while my underwear was still on -- while describing the process to the two interns with stethoscopes. (He ignored the lurker.) All three of them put their microphones on my belly at the same time to listen to my borborygmi (bowel gurgles), listening for the evil "tweaks" and "whooshes" that signal a complete obstruction (which I didn't have because I could barely pass gas.) He shook the gurney I was lying on to see if that caused any discomfort, he pressed different areas of my belly (presumably to see if my leg started rotating like a dog's), and then tapped every spot on my belly to see if there were any air pockets that sounded "hollow." He announced that all he was getting from my belly were "dead noises", which was apparently good, although it included a word that should have been substituted with something like "drill". I hoped that he wasn't going to ask all the interns (except the slacker) to shove their fingers up my butt to look for the impacted feces (which is what the medical literature says to do) but they let me keep my underwear on the whole time. They left as a group, and the slacker thanked me for letting him watch me, then the two actual interns thanked me. Next came more waiting, followed by a visit from another doctor. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him, then he asked me if I had had any vomiting, and I said "Not yet." He poked my belly a few times and ordered Upper GI films of me, then left. Here's where the big adventure truly began. An orderly came and wheeled my gurney down the hall (through about six pairs of double doors that had to be buzzed open -- they don't just bang through them like on TV, darn it) to Radiology. I marveled at the fact that the moment you arrive, because they have to treat everyone the same so as not to have to remember which patients can walk and which can't, they automatically slap you on a gurney, then they put the crib-like sides up to remind you that you shouldn't get out and try to go anywhere under your own power. They wheeled me down the hall into Radiology, where I encountered an X-Ray technician and a wacky senior X-Ray technician. (He was the only "funny" doctor I met that day, thankfully. Humor about people's innards belongs on the Internet, not around the actual innards.) They took an X-ray of my abdomen while I was standing up (with my back against this glass panel with half-size geometric lungs shaped like Utah drawn on it) and another of my abdomen lying down. (Both X-ray machines were made by Siemens, so if all my sperm suddenly mutate, watch for the semen vs. Siemens lawsuit.) The X-ray machine's articulation joints squeaked as the "funny" technician maneuvered it, and he said, "You think it needs oil?" and I said "I think I need it more." He didn't laugh either. NOTHING IS FUNNY IN A HOSPITAL, WHERE ONLY LAME JOKES ARE ALLOWED! While they were X-raying me, they stuck one of those little plaques behind me with lead "L" and "R" markers on it so they could tell which way my guts where facing when they were photographed. They did not make me take my underwear off, despite the fact that I was wearing BVDs whose waistband was presumably changing the shape of my belly a little, and was probably at least as optically opaque as the farts they were photographing. After two exposures, let me lie around in Radiology for a few minutes while they developed the X-rays (in case they didn't come out right because my stomach blinked when the flash went off, they wanted to keep me around to pose some more) and then when they were ready another orderly came to take me back to Bay 10. This orderly wasn't too skilled at pushing my gurney (he kept bumping things) and he spent the trip muttering to himself constantly, in a monologue consisting mainly of swear words. As we entered the ED, I saw a doctor saying into a telephone, "This is (name) in Major. One of the patients in Seclusion got out of one of her restraints..." Apparently they refer to the loony lock-down area as "Seclusion", so never ever check yourself into a sanitarium to get some seclusion. Arriving at Bay 10 again, I waited a little while, then the second doctor (the one without the gaggle of interns) came back to ask if I'd had my X-rays. I said I had, and he disappeared to go read them (they didn't let me see them.) After a while, he came back and said that, basically, the X-rays said I was full of shit. I thought everyone on the Internet knew that, but apparently they wanted to check that my intestine didn't have a bow-tie knot or a gerbil in it. (I bet they thought "We better check everyone, JUST IN CASE we actually find a gerbil someday, because that would make us famous!") Of course I had figured all along that it was just impacted feces in the lower rectum (I mean, I could feel 'em not coming out when I tried to poop) but you know how doctors are when you self-diagnose: If you "present" with a bleeding forehead, they give you stitches and check for concussion. If you "present" with a bleeding forehead and say "I THINK I ALSO HAVE A CONCUSSION BECAUSE MY BRAIN HAS A LARGE OBVIOUS DENT IN IT," then they will refuse to check for concussion. (I will go down to the Medical Records office to buy my X-rays if you people REALLY want to see my intestines on a Web page. Hmm, if so, they should have clickable hot spots.) The doctor left, and I waited a while, then the nurse came back to tell me that the doctor had ordered a laxative and "some enemas" for me. "Some"? It would have been more reassuring if they had said "a couple" or "a few" or "several" or "a number with less than eight digits" rather than "some", which left open the possibility that they wanted to give me A MILLION BILLION TRILLION ENEMAS. (So the guy drops dead on the stage and someone yells "Is there a doctor in the house?" and as he's running to the stage this matron in the back yells "GIVE THAT MAN AN ENEMA!" All the time he's examining the guy who dropped dead, she keeps yelling "GIVE THAT MAN AN ENEMA!" Finally, the doctor yells back, "Lady, this man is dead! An enema won't help!" and she says, "WELL, IT COULDN'T HURT!") Anyway, she told me that the laxative was something I would allegedly enjoy -- "it's like a soft drink, it's a sparkling laxative." OH NO! CITROMA! For those of you who don't know, Citroma is The Sparkling Laxative, a magnesium citrate solution sold in pint bottles at drugstores everywhere (sometimes in generic form, but it always comes out of the Citroma factory because the bottles always have that same logo stamped into them.) It comes in four flavors, all of which taste "citrus"-ish, because it's magnesium citrate, which is a relative of citric acid. Citric acid is what makes candy taste lemony and sour (think of Sour Patch Kids); adding a sodium or magnesium atom to make a salt gives you either sodium citrate (the chief flavoring of Orbitz and Alka-Seltzer) or magnesium citrate (which tastes the same, except with more laxative effect than even Orbitz.) God was punishing me again. First God punished me for buying a "Star Wars" toy by making it give me diarrhea and an intestinal obstruction which would hospitalize me. Then, for making Citroma the first item I put on my "Don't Eat This" Web page and saying mean things about it, God punished me by making me drink Citroma. In my underwear. (HOW THE CITROMA GOT INTO MY-- sorry.) The nurse left, and I waited and waited for my Citroma. I waited over half an hour for that damn Citroma. I was mentally yelling "WHERE IS MY CITROMA?", which may perhaps be the only time in my life I will ever WANT Citroma. I was about to open up all the sterile bandage packages out of spite when she came back with a plastic cup with a pint of sparkling laxative, with crushed ice and a bendy straw. For the next half-hour, I sat there sipping Citroma through the straw as trauma cases were wheeled past for my amusement. (It wasn't actually Citroma but some hospital-made solution of straight magnesium citrate, because it didn't have any food coloring in it to try to fool me into thinking it was "lemon" or "lemon-lime" or "orange" or "cherry", though it tasted exactly like lemonoid Citroma or Orbitz. Well, okay, it didn't have lumps, so call it Orbitz without the zitz.) At one point, I heard them page Security, summoning them to Seclusion with "more restraints". A little while later, I saw them taking the mystery patient from Seclusion down the hall to be X-rayed. Remember Anthony Hopkins in "Silence of the Lambs"? Now imagine he's sedated so that he's reduced to Dom DeLuise in "Silence of the Hams". As they wheeled this guy past on a gurney, they had a sheet covering him from just below the eyes down to his shins, but his eyes had an interesting mixture of evil and sedation. The sheet was presumably to keep the rest of us from staring at the major bondage gear, whatever it was -- and I could see that his feet were encased in some sort of clear plastic. I figured the guy was in a big Zip-Loc mummy bag or something. Also probably a disposable hospital straitjacket made out of Tyvek with the same closure as the wristbands. An orderly was pushing Mr. Evil's gurney, and one Security man was in front and two in back. They had walkie-talkies, tan slacks, navy-blue blazers, and rubber gloves. There's nothing that conveys "totalitarian state" as much as a uniformed security officer with rubber gloves. (I'm sure Disneyland has these guys.) A little later, an orderly brought back the gurney without the evil patient or the sheet -- and it did indeed have big leather wrist-straps attached to the side rails. Shortly thereafter, a guy in work clothes ambled in with a double handful of wads of leather straps (looked a full set of horse tackle for humans) and asked them where to stow the restraints, and a staffer directed him to place them in "the red bucket over there". So next time you're in Seclusion, watch out -- they've got buckets of bondage gear! (I have no clue if the guy was a criminal or just a psychotic person, but there were lots of restraints involved, even more than in that photo of Mary Tyler Moore whipping Dick Van Dyke.) I finished the Citroma and waited a while longer for the nurse to come back. I read my charts that were lying on the counter. Someone had rated me on the Coma Scale: I got high marks for having my eyes open, being able to carry on a conversation, and being able to move. They had even checked off the size of my pupils and the number of respirations per minute. I think maybe the triage nurse did this clandestinely while she was asking me whether or not I had had vomiting. Or maybe they just guessed at some point after they decided I was normal. Eventually the nurse came back with two small bottled enemas (the squeezable kind you would expect to contain hot dog toppings) which she referred to as "Fleet's" enemas. First of all, there's no "'s" in "Fleet" brand enemas, and secondly, these were a different brand. That was fine by me because I give enough money to Fleet whenever I use my ATM card at Fleet Bank. She directed me to go down the hall to the bathroom and give myself an enema. Or two. (Couldn't hurt.) I was amazed that I had waited all this time for a bottle of Citroma (which you can buy anywhere for $1.59) and a pair of boxed laxatives (which you can buy anywhere -- and I had, over the weekend -- for $2 each) which they weren't even going to administer professionally. Basically, I was paying them to let me use their bathroom to do the same stuff I could have done at home. Heck, if I'm going to pay to get an enema (please have no illusions that I wanted one) I want one administered by someone who's good at it and who gives top-notch, super-gigantic, electrically-heated enemas, not a little squeeze bulb I have to jam into my own ass by feel. (The directions on the box tell you to lie face down [on the bathroom floor?] and have someone else do it. They also say "FOR RECTAL USE ONLY" in case you're REALLY stupid.) So I put some water up my butt and then the water came out, and a little other stuff came out too. Not much, but I think the Citroma was starting to soften my stools a little. As well as making my stomach hurt. I mean, it was a full pint of citric acid. It was like I had just eaten 500 Sour Patch Kids. (It was pretty hard to choke down all that Citroma. And keep in mind that it tastes like Sour Patch Kids plus salt.) The bathrooms didn't smell like licorice (world's most annoying disinfectant?) the way they had on my infected-finger time-waster visit. Anyway, I ambled back to Bay 10 and waited forty-five minutes for the nurse to reappear. I told her I had had only minimal doodies and that all the White Castles and curry and meat loaf and other stuff from the past three days were still in there somewhere. She relayed this to the doctor, came back, and said they were sending me home because it looked like the Citroma was starting to work and would probably kick in later. She gave me another enema (in a box) to take home and also wrote out a treatment plan for me: 1. Buy some Colace (an over-the-counter stool softener) and take it. 2. Buy some Dulcolax suppositories (over-the-counter laxatives of the most annoying kind) and use one in the morning if nothing's happened. 3. Buy some Metamucil (an over-the-counter blend of 99% tree bark and 1% Tang) and take some every day for the rest of my life just in case this ever happens again. 4. Use the boxed enema (which is called "Fleet's" in the written instructions). So I put on my clothes (except my underwear, which I had never taken off -- odd that they made me take off all the clothes that didn't cover the part of my body that had the problem) and followed the blue stripe on the floor to the exit. On the way out, I noticed that the Pediatric department had smiling chimps painted on the door. (Elapsed time during hospital visit: Four hours, same as it took for them not to treat my infected finger. What I got for my time and a big bill: Three enema kits and the world's most expensive glass of Citroma. And a requirement to buy three more things.) I went down the street to the 24-hour CVS drugstore to buy the stuff, under the assumption that maybe I should try using some of it. They had a generic version of the Dulcolax bullets (I always get the cheapie ones), but not generic orange Metamucil (who would want the unflavored sawdust kind?) or the liquid version of Colace (I detest pills, and can only swallow them by accident, i.e. I can swallow whole Life Savers, I have never successfully swallowed a little pill.) The pharmacist was kind enough to place an order for some of the liquid Colace for me (to arrive in 24 hours) but I didn't want to wait that long, so I left the order and looked elsewhere for liquid Colace. (Hey, she didn't take my phone number, so she can't make me pick it up tomorrow.) I checked another CVS down the street, which was also missing the same stuff. So I took the subway to the Back Bay, which has other kinds of drugstores and was on the way home. During the walk from Copley Station to the 24-hour Walgreen's (the only place that has non-cheez White Castle burgers, yay!) I stopped at the Store 24 there, because I'm seldom in any Store 24s, particularly this one, and I wanted to look for interesting snack foods. I saw that they had the blue flavor of Whipper Snapple (one of the many fake Orange Juliuses flooding a saturated market), and because I love anything that's blue flavor, and the blue Whipper Snapple is incredibly rare, I bought four. (The blue Whipper Snapple is "Black And Blue Berry" flavor, allegedly. Whipper Snapple's ingredients, oddly enough, always include rosemary in each flavor. I have no idea what it's for, and it would certainly ruin it completely if you could taste it. They all basically taste like watered-down white grape juice with a few drops of milk.) The store had about 30 bottles of the rare blue Whipper Snapple, and about three of each other flavor, so I'm obviously the only person in town who is willing to drink this stuff (it's not one of my favorites, but it's rare so I wanted it. Besides, I was out of juice and juice-like items at home.) Obviously the guy behind the cash register was aware that the Store 24 just couldn't get rid of the blue ones because when he saw me putting four on the counter he exclaimed "Oh, thank you!" Then I went down the block to the Walgreen's drugstore, where they had the liquid Colace and generic orange Metamucil, both of which I bought, along with some frozen White Castles (a much more palatable laxative than Citroma.) When I got home and opened the liquid Colace, it said that to prevent throat irritation it MUST be taken mixed with juice. WAAH! ALL MY BLUE DRINKS ARE GONNA BE LAXATIVE-FLAVORED! Still, they taste about a skillion times less salty/citricy than Citroma. I tried some of the Metamucil. Do senior citizens actually like the taste of this stuff? It's a really annoying texture: chaff slurry. With a sort of cardboard flavor that the Tang can't mask. I think maybe I'll just get my fiber from actual food instead. Besides, this problem will likely never recur, unless I make the mistake of buying more "Star Wars" candy. Oh, and after you get three days' worth of White Castles and other yummy foods out of you through the cleaning power of Citroma, the White Castles have turned into something that could pass for coffee. If you don't taste it. So the blockage seems to be clearing up, and I'm back to diarrhea. But unlike the original Jar Jar-induced diarrhea, now it's got fewer lumps than Orbitz. Because Citroma is Orbitz without the zitz. -- K. If you learned only one thing from this article, I hope it's the word "borborygmi". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: JAR JAR BINKS HOSPITALIZED ME! -or- REVENGE OF THE CITROMA! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 08:15:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (I will go down to the Medical Records office to buy my X-rays if > > you people REALLY want to see my intestines on a Web page. Hmm, if > > so, they should have clickable hot spots.) > > You have to, Kibo. This is simply the worst idea in the history of > web pages. You have to. If you don't, SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT. I was thinking about making it an advent calendar. "December 12... yay! It's six fully-digested White Castles! And they still have the little holes!" > [...] > > SCENE: A small box, with a mouse, and two openings, labeled A and B. > > The mouse looks around, and starts walking towards opening B. > > As the mouse enters opening B, two electrodes give it an electrical > shock. A trapdoor then opens beneath it, dropping it 15 meters onto > pavement. A car runs over it. A streetcleaning machine sprays it with > industrial strength disinfectant and wipes over onto the sidewalk. > 300 elephants stampede over it. > > Someone picks up the mouse, amazingly still alive, and places it back > into the box. > > The mouse writes a 400-line post about this on Usenet, looks around, > ans starts walking towards opening B. Hey! I am not a 400-pound mouse! I am a 3-pound gorilla! NO POUND MOUSE! NO MOUSE! NO MORE BOX!!! -- K. Now if Roberto Duran had eaten a dozen White Castles before boxing... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: JAR JAR BINKS HOSPITALIZED ME! -or- REVENGE OF THE CITROMA! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 06:55:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Then it stopped. And so did everything else. After nothing else > > wanted to come out of my butt (no matter what I put in, including six > > White Castles, my favorite intestinal lubricant) I realized that I had > > a near-total intestinal blockage. Whatever was stuck in there was > > irritating my intestine, causing the "paradoxical diarrhea" (the > > technical term for diarrhea caused by constipation.) > > Next comes the "ultraparadoxical diarrhea", in which Kibo > suddenly develops anal leakage and/or fecal urgency anywhere > from one to three days before eating a weird alien tongue thing. Oh no. The invention of non-Einsteinian anti-causal diarrhea would be a scary thing, because then it would mean that anything which didn't cause diarrhea would cause the backwards diarrhea, and so everyone would have diarrhea both before and after eating anything which does or does not cause diarrhea. The only way to not have diarrhea would involve, at birth, buying a Jar Jar Binks lollipop so large that it lasts forever, because then you'd never be before or after eating something that causes diarrhea. > This Jar-Jar Binks tongue candy makes me wonder if the > world is ready for an Alien Face-Hugger Lollipop, with > or without Real Chest-Bursting Action. Please stop making fun of Pamela Anderson's breast-implant reduction surgery. Also, please, no more jokes about Janet Reno's muscles, Bob Dole's Viagra, or those weird gray bulges on Bob Newhart's cheeks. But it's okay to make fun of Jar Jar's Rhoda-style pantsuit with bellbottoms. > > [...] I figured the guy was in a big Zip-Loc mummy bag or > > something. Also probably a disposable hospital straitjacket made out > > of Tyvek with the same closure as the wristbands. > > I was wondering why Archimedes Plutonium had been so quiet lately. He's the reason the hospital always keeps a big supply of disposable straitjackets. They come on a roll like Brawny, only even stronger, and Simon Jones has never been in a commercial for them. > > I finished the Citroma and waited a while longer for the nurse to come > > back. I read my charts that were lying on the counter. Someone had > > rated me on the Coma Scale: I got high marks for having my eyes open, > > being able to carry on a conversation, and being able to move. > > Congratulations! We're so proud of you, Kibo! But they never even tested my Moro reflex. (It involves asking a baby, "How do you keep a Moro in suspense? Turn this speech balloon over!") > > all the White Castles and curry and meat loaf and other stuff from the > > past three days were still in there somewhere. She relayed this to the > > doctor, came back, and said they were sending me home because it looked > > like the Citroma was starting to work and would probably kick in later. > > They sent you home because they didn't want three-day-old eaten > White Castles, curry, and meat loaf anywhere near the hospital. > Even nurses get disgusted by some things. But you'd think that at least the meat loaf and curry would have come out through the holes in the White Castles. True fact: When I typed that, "meat loaf" came out "meal load". > > 1. Buy some Colace (an over-the-counter stool softener) and take it. > > 2. Buy some Dulcolax suppositories (over-the-counter laxatives of the > > most annoying kind) and use one in the morning if nothing's happened. > > 3. Buy some Metamucil (an over-the-counter blend of 99% tree bark and > > 1% Tang) and take some every day for the rest of my life just in case > > this ever happens again. 4. Use the boxed enema (which is called > > "Fleet's" in the written instructions). > > DEAR KIBO: > > PLEASE INCLUDE WHAT KIND OF CANDY YOU BUY AT THE > CAMPUS CONVENIENCE STORE NEXT TIME YOU POST YOUR > GROCERY LISTS. THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. I would, but I'm busy developing the Optimal Strategy For Pac-Man for when we do battle with space aliens exactly 46,318 years in the future after I have been revived through Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barbershop technology. Also I have only 298 years remaining to file for a patent on invisible television because I called dibs on it in a previous life. ATOM. -- K. I'd like to see Archie write so lucidly about getting an enema. Right now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: JAR JAR BINKS HOSPITALIZED ME! -or- REVENGE OF THE CITROMA! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 08:28:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "Roger Douglas Lite 98% fact free" (rdouglas@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'd like to see Archie write so lucidly about getting an enema. > > > > Right now. > > After what you went through (or indeed what went through you) you could do > worse than consult that part of Archie's lengthy memoirs where he discusses > the benefits of using alternate wet and dry sheets of toilet paper. Hey, I had forgotten all about that. THANK YOU for reminding me of the mental image of Archimedes Plutonium's science experiments with wiping his bottom. So, we shall now read from Page 153 of "Ludwig Plutonium, The Chosen One": -> Malaysia was a totally different experience to me. Everything -> of my habits had to change. I guess that is why I later liked -> traveling so much. That so many of my previous habits were called into -> question. The first habit which I had to change was my toilet habits -> for I quickly discovered that in Malay custom there is no toilet paper -> and so one of the hands is used with water. Thus it is very bad to use -> the hand-for-the-toilet for other purposes such as shaking hands or -> eating food from. And I thought what a strange custom, but is it in -> any way better then my custom of Western culture in the use of toilet -> paper. And I came to the conclusion that yes in a way it was better -> for how can dry toilet paper really clean well? So from that day -> forward I combined the best of two cultures and have since used the -> most superior method of toileting. If you're so smart, why do you still excrete? But I like that word "toileting". When he does it in public he gets arrested for toiloitering! -> I use toilet paper but I alternate -> with wet toilet paper and dry toilet paper so that I am really clean. -> I had remembered back to my days at UC a fine shapely female wearing -> tight white slacks but then I saw something repulsive, that because the -> slacks were white and so tight fitting that there was a large brown -> spot and it was highly visible. "Are you my mommy?" asked poor little Spot, speaking directly into the woman's butt. Then he noticed someone had written "WASH ME" in the middle of the brown spot. -> In Malaysia, I remember eating sacks of peanuts which were so much -> better than anything at home. They were smaller peanuts and after about -> eating 30 of them I would get this one peanut that was so strong and -> rich in flavor that these were the greatest peanuts in the world. I -> would eat these peanuts at every chance to find that one out of 30. I -> loved the eating shops in Malaysia with lime water and curry rice and -> spicy rice, and chapati. Tangerines and pineapples were great. -> I remember other volunteers tried to get me to eat durian. HEY, ARCHIE, YOU SHOULD EAT DURIANS. AND WIPE WITH THEM TOO. -> They saw what kind of a fruit lover I was. I never even bothered to try -> durian, for I was not going to spend good money on some experimental fruit -> tasting. Yeah, it's a good idea to cut out all those stupid experiments, especially as they could invalidate your hypothesis that the Universe is a giant plutonium atom because you love coconut. If you turned out to love durian more, the Universe would stop being a giant atom! And it would smell weird. -> By then I had figured that I had already found the best foods -> in the world Microwaved spaghetti in a paper cup is one of the best foods in the world? I'm sure it's the best of something, but it's sure not what I'd call food. -> and I was not going to spend good money on experimental -> foods. That the probability of durian tasting better than a tangerine -> was slim, for I figured all the best foods were the ones most readily -> available I see, so, if you go to the supermarket and they're out of cherry Pez but they have hundreds of rhubarb Pez because nobody wants them, this means that rhubarb Pez are good? -> and known and if durian was so good than I would have already -> discovered it before then. I believe I have never sampled durian, even -> now into 0052. HEY, ARCHIE, YOU SHOULD REALIZE YOU ACCIDENTALLY ATE DURIAN ONCE. It was during that dream where you were eating a giant marshmallow which was green and ellipsoidaland covered with painful spikes that dripped with sticky goo that smelled like stinky poo. Lucky you! -- K. Now go try green eggs and ham. -> A toilet seat has the tendency to spread your cheeks, which is offensive -> if you have hemerroids (spelling), so I as a rule never sit on toilet seats. (Archie, 1997) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: JAR JAR BINKS HOSPITALIZED ME! -or- REVENGE OF THE CITROMA! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 06:44:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "ras2" (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I looked through the Yellow Pages for all the proctologists in the > > entire metropolitan area, and there was one (in Newton) and nobody > > answered their phone when I called on Saturday afternoon. > > I just want to say that out of the 1.5 people I know in the US, > one lives in that exact same town and she is not a proctologist. I wonder what country has the higest proctologist density. (And thus we have a reason to let California become a separate country.) > > (Apparently The Last Surviving Proctologist can't afford an > > answering machine.) > > That's probably because they have so many golf courses there. I think the chief method of recreation in Newton is to cross the Green Line tracks in your pickup truck so the train hits your truck just as it's pulling out of the Green Line railyard, which is also where they keep the trains with smashed-in fronts, and so when you make the train go crunch on your pickup, the train has to go all the way to the other end of the line so it can turn around at Lechmere to go back to the train yard where it belongs. Every once in a while it's a van and not a pickup truck, but the pattern is the same throughout Brookline and Newton: It's always a pickup or van that gets hit by the train. That's because the trains swerve to miss sports cars. > > After a while, he came back and said that, basically, the X-rays said > > I was full of shit. I thought everyone on the Internet knew that, but > > apparently they wanted to check that my intestine didn't have a bow-tie > > knot or a gerbil in it. > > I had a dream last night (or so I think, I'm not sure which day this > is) about John Dee coming to New England (as the first human ever), > where he heard rumours about the Kibo (apparently some kind of evil > wandering spirit from Native-American Mythology[tm]). Dee followed > some Kibo-tracks in the snow which changed (the tracks, not the snow) > from being foot prints made by a human to those made by a small animal. > As if the Kibo had changed shape while he was walking. > Then I woke up with a feeling of intense dread, the like of which > I haven't experienced since I got afraid of a door in my sister's > apartment in the summer of '87. It lasted all day too. What does this have to do with the fact that I now have photographic proof that there are no gerbils living in my ass? > > (I will go down to the Medical Records office to buy my X-rays if > > you people REALLY want to see my intestines on a Web page. Hmm, > > if so, they should have clickable hot spots.) > > And llamas. Hey, I heard Dave Foley had one of those in his ass. > > If you learned only one thing from this article, I hope > > it's the word "borborygmi". > > Me too. I also hope that my upstairs neighbor will soon > die as I think it would improve the world in a good way. Are they pogo-dancing to Spice Girls music, or just drilling holes in your ceiling through the bottom of their cat's box? -- K. I still want to know why nobody makes a cat litter labelled "SAFE FOR THROWING OFF THE 15TH FLOOR BALCONY BUT NOT FLUSHABLE". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: JAR JAR BINKS HOSPITALIZED ME! -or- REVENGE OF THE CITROMA! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 06:35:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Alistair Gale (alistair@caribsurf.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So I put on my clothes (except my underwear, which I had never taken > > off [...] > > How do ya self administer an Enema without removing your underwear?? Oh, maybe that's why it didn't work. Curses, you have found a flaw in that carefully-crafted story. Now everyone is going to assume I just made it up because I like to talk about enemas. I meant the doctors and nurses never once looked at my naughty bits. Taking off my underwear in the privacy of the luxurious hospital bathroom didn't count because nobody was looking at me there. I think. -- K. Hey, is that a webcam in the smoke detector? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's bad TV commercial tagline Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 06:18:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "Now kids are always half price at Six Flags Great Adventure!" -- K. Now with lemon butter! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A New Anti-Advertisement Is Discovered. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 06:58:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (If you can think of examples of other commercials that TRY to make you > > hate their product, let me know. I'm trying to collect enough to start > > my own 24-hour Anti-Advertising channel.) > > Drink Gatorade! It's made by scraping colored sweat off stinky people! And when it dries, it turns into Nuprin. Anyone else remember their ill-fated "NUPE IT!" slogan? I think that arrow-killed beef jerky maker and sociopath Ted Nugent should adopt "NUGE IT!" as his slogan. Except I think he's already using "NUKE IT!" -- K. OH DEAR I CALLED TED NUGENT A BAD NAME. I HOPE HE DOESN'T REALIZE I'M MAKING FUN OF HIM SHORTLY AFTER HE REALIZES MICHAEL MOORE AND CONAN O'BRIEN MADE FUN OF HIM. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A New Anti-Advertisement Is Discovered. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 08:04:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote in message > > > > (If you can think of examples of other commercials that TRY to make you > > hate their product, let me know. I'm trying to collect enough to start > > my own 24-hour Anti-Advertising channel.) > > There's a Nissan truck commercial out now. Forgiving the fact that they > spend the entire ad telling you that Guys Who Like Trucks have friends and > therefore, need four weency doors in their gas-guzzling behemouth, they also > say the following: > > "... figuring this stuff out was just a no-brainer. .... Our brains just > got there first." > > Escuze me, but > > DUH DUH DUH > DUH DUH DEEEEEEEERHAY > DUH DOUBLE DUH DUH DUH DUH???!? But, see, that's just a "DUH" commercial. Plenty of them are. I was talking about ones where the people who made the commercial were TRYING to get you NOT to like the product. Besides, that one's not baffling to me: They're just saying, in a clever way, "Our truck goes so fast that your brain gets there before the rest of you. No responsible for damage to windshield." > There's a commercial I remember from about five or six years ago that I > still hate to this day. [...] > > So this cat is holding Skippers (a chain of fast-ish food resteraunts > specializing in scrod and potato-scrapple. A veritable deep-fry > foodmagorium) hostage. Okay, are you with me? He's holding the resteraunt > hostage. And he's got a bullhorn. And he says "From now on, I want FRESH > FISH! No more of that FROZEN GARBAGE!" And THEN (are you still with me?) > the Skippers voice-over guy says "Skippers is now serving ONLY FRESH FISH!" > So what I gather here is that Skippers, apparently, used to feed us G A R > B A G E. That's the kind of commercial I was thinking. The people in suits were sitting around and the CEO said "GENTLEMEN, THE FOCUS GROUP SHOWS THAT PEOPLE HAVE REALIZED THAT OUR FOOD IS GARBAGE!" and they all nod happily and then he continues, "AND THAT'S BAD!" and they all look serious. Then they throw a huge wad of money at Ben Stiller and tell him to do whatever he wants. > "WAAH!" cried Spot! "No more FROZEN GARBAGE!" Now, Skippers dips all its garbage in warm gray water before serving it! Wait, that's Little Caesar's Pizza Station. -- K. I just wish they'd show those mayostard commercials more often. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Corporate Names. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 07:38:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com I think in a few years I will need to legally change my name to "K" to follow in the footsteps of GE (which used to be "General Electric"), KFC (which used to be "Kentucky Fried Chicken"), and now SGI (formerly "Silicon Graphics, Inc.") The SGI move is particularly bozotic when you consider that, for legal reasons, they'll need to add ", Inc." to "SGI" and thus they'll have two of them. SGI, like KFC and GE, wants to be un-encumbered by its own reputation and wants people to think, "Hey! I've never heard of this company before! I have no preconceived notion that they make only the kind of thing they're famous for making so well!" GE wanted to diversify and no longer be limited to making things which were electric. Or general. And KFC... KFC wanted people to forget the words "Fried" (too greasy), "Chicken" (too meaty), and "Kentucky" (too crackery). Ever notice that KFC's menus never refer to their fried chicken as being either fried or chicken? It's "A 7-piece white Colonel's Extra Crispy meal" or "5-piece Kentucky Strips". (I think they still admit that the french fries are fried, although they call them "Kentucky Fries" because nobody who would like Kentucky could like France.) On the heels of the SGI name change -- which I learned about in a trade magazine -- two companies just sent me printed junk mail about their name changes. These are companies I didn't have any business relations with, and wasn't getting junk mail from, but apparently they sent the name-change to people in their employment databases: The first company, MacTemps, laid me off when they shut down Laser Designs two years ago (YAY!!!) and the second, Graphics Express, interviewed me when I was looking for a replacement job. (They turned me down. YAY!!!!!) MacTemps now wishes to be known as "Acquent". I think they just figured out that it would be better to have a name that sounded like a meat seasoning made from MSG than to have the word "Mac" in their name. (I have no idea if MacTemps' twenty or so other aliases, such as "Desktop Personnel", "1-800-Network" [formerly "EnterprISe"], "Freelance Access", etc. will all change to "Acquent" or to twenty or so new random nonsense words.) Graphics Express, surprisingly, did not change to using just their initials, despite the fact that everyone who works there calls them "GE". They went the MacTemps route and hired a big nonsense-word consulting firm to come up with a new name that has no connotations or denotations in any known language and is trademarkable, brandable, and forgettable: "SPIRExpress". I have no idea if it's supposed to be pronounced "spir - express" or "spire - express". Or "ess pee eye ahr express". Or "ess pee eye ahr ee zuhpress". All I know is that they're very proud of their nonsense word from the elaborate, yet meaningless, justification I received in the mail. (Principle: WHEN YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY YOU PICKED YOUR BUSINESS NAME IT'S NOT A GOOD NAME.) Here I quote from the letter I received: > Dear James: Wow! The laser printer knows my name! And it called me "dear"! I'm so special! > History is in the making. Not the history of pudding. That would be in the eating. > Graphics Express is changing its name to SPIRExpress on May 24, 1999. But... but... you used a SPIRExpress letterhead to mail me this junk mail which I received on May 23. I think you're trying to confuse me! > SPIRExpress is a name that best identifies the substantial changes > we have made to our company over the past decade. What, you hired Archimedes Plutonium to add a spire to your building? > SPIRExpress personifies perfectly too, our philosophy of providing > graphic products and services that continue to give you a distinct > business advantage. Oh, yeah, "Graphics Express" sure didn't let people know you were a graphics service. > Your enthusiastic acceptance of our offering Excuse me? > has allowed us the capability to provide more of the elements necessary > to meet your total graphics communications requirements. I require five pounds of Americium, twenty pounds of Einsteinium, and four thousand tons of Plutoniumium. > With our growth in the marketplace comes several reasons for our name change. Oh, good. It's nice to know you didn't just have ONE great reason to change your name to "SPIRExpress". > SPIRExpress is different. And changing it from "SPIRExpress" to "Graphics Express" again would be exactly as different, and therefore just as good an idea! Ha! Ha! Your own logic has been perverted! And I didn't even need to hire a consultant to help me pervert it! > Our new name has a profile far removed from when we began as Graphics > Express in Boston over 10 years ago. And the addition of a spire to your profile makes your skyline almost as beautiful as Dartmouth's, provided that your spire is solid gold with a plutonium atom at the top. > In our business, like yours, there has been no standing still. Waah! They just insulted my mannequin warehouse! And my stationary store! > Change is constant and technology futher underscores that premise. > Our significant changes are reason alone to give ourselves a more > distinctive name. That's what the pre-op transexxuals always say. > Finally, SPIRExpress products have come to represent the very pinnacle > of quality delivered in a rapid, efficient system, all on time and all > on budget. SPIRExpress literally says it all in one word. It doesn't say anything. In one non-word. And not _literally_. Now, a word which _literally_ said everything would have to be either "everything" or something like "nougatelevisionipplexplosionematodelephant" only a little longer. Never trust a corporate manifesto that thinks "literally" is the same as its antonym, "metaphorically". Those literally drive me up the wall. > We also recognize that we would not be where we are without your support. > Your loyalty throughout the years is most appreciated. We thank you > for your continued belief in our vision. Wait... who told you I believe in your vision, whatever it is? Is "We think it would be cool to change our name to something that looks like an acronym and comes between 'spill' and 'spit'" really a "vision"? A vision should be something that at least involves walls melting and God talking to you. > Sincerely, > Rick Dyer > President Ha ha ha you sound like a guy who dyes Ricks! OH WHAT A ZINGER! Maybe to keep people from SLAMMING your WACKY name like that again you should change it to a nonsense word! > P.S. We will be communicating with you over the next several weeks > as we implement our changes. In the interim, please continue using your > Graphics Express materials and continue to work through your account > contacts. Also please continue to eat our delicious fried chicken which we are obviously still selling because we didn't add "Fried Chicken" to our name. Sincerely sarcastic, Kibo Super President P.S. I chose the name "Kibo" because it literally killed the test audience. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov,andalt.food.pez From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More about Jar-Jar Binks's semi-edible tongue Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 04:54:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.mike-jittlov, and alt.food.pez, Robert D. Moran, Jr. (moranbo@att.world.com@postoffice.worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Oh wait, when did this become the non-PEZ related group??? I couldn't have said it better myself. I love the cool new Jar-Jar Binks Pez dispenser! I just wish it didn't come with frog's-legs-flavored Pez. -- K. I still think Mentos should sue Pez because Pez is an even more obvious knockoff of Mentos than "Doctor Strange" is of "Doctor Who" combined with "Doctor Strangelove". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.internet,alt.culture.usenet From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Overheard... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Tue, 25 May 1999 08:20:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology "Otto" at Virginia Tech wrote: > > Subject: Overheard... > > ...in the library computer lab today. Let me guess, it was something about a sinister conspiracy to conceal the library's finances and make people think Don Saklad was crazy. > "that kibo guy's kinda like Richard Simmons. he's famous but nobody > knows why." Waah! I was supposed to be famous for no reason like CHARLES NELSON REILLY, not RICHARD SIMMONS! I'd rather be Charles Nelson Reilly because Richard Simmons acts like a sissy! -- K. I dare you to print this out and post it in the library computer lab. I suggest a really big font that isn't Helvetica or Arial. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Get Well Pome For Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 08:37:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > (Seeing as how I live in Hallmark land) Hello, Holly Hobbie! > It's sad that you are feeling so foul > Sorry you're having trouble with your bowel, > I hope it doesn't ruin your favorite towel, > I'm glad the doctor didn't use a dowel. > > > Your pal, > > --Terri Oh, great, now Ridley Scott is going to assert that if Terri Willis were Sean Young as Alan Ginsburg she'd write "Howel", and then she'd have to marry Mr. Magoo, who would turn into Leslie Nielsen, who is currently starring in a crappy Fox Family Channel TV-movie where the ads display "STARRING LESLIE NIELSON" in huge letters. All for the want of a dowel. -- K. FOR THE WANT OF A DOWEL, THE DOOT WAS LOST! P.S. I think I'm mostly better now. Thanks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Get Well Pome For Kibo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Wed, 26 May 1999 08:39:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > THE CONSTIPATION OF KIBO > A Shakespearian sonnet by M. Otis Beard > > How sad to see thee, languishing and ill > The pressure building in thy abdomen > From such bad candy. Hast thou had thy fill? > Or wilt thou chew the tongue of Binks again? > Thy plight reminds me of old Harlan E. > "I have no mouth, but I must scream," he said > The trouble's slightly further South for thee > Unless thou poop'st, thou shalt soon join the dead > Thy problem is a lack of rectitude > In terms of diet, thou hast greatly sinned > Here's hoping that thy fate shall not include > Sigmoidoscopes that blaze a trail for wind > Try Metamucil. Can'st thou now excrete? > If not, pray to the God that men call Fleet. Augh! You just made my bowel obstruction come back! -- K. There should be candy shaped like that Conehead guy in "Star Wars Episode Eye" where you could chew on his head. Does it bother anyone else that there's a Conehead on the Jedi Council? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's Tee-Vee Commercial That Shouted "Duh!" Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 06:07:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com It was an ad for some morning exercise show on "FX" (That's the cable version of Fox without all those vowels, and with 58,000 showings of that Brian Dennehy movie every week) which shows up over and over on the tape of "Mission: Impossible" reruns I was just watching in order to locate the episode where Martin Landau encounters the bees flying in perfect beaded- curtain formation and learns that ghosts are real (and hate Communists.) This aerobics-show commercial included the line "PUMP IT UP WITH LASER-FUNKY MOVES!" So, get with it, fatties, in no time at all you'll smell worse than a laser! -- K. Lasers emit coherent funk. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Weird Coincidence of the Day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 06:18:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com On the #66 bus going to work today, the guy behind me was one of those guys who maintains a semi-audible, double-speed monologue about how one random politician ruined his life. Here's what I could hear: "Rrr rrr rrr rrr goddamn Dukakis rrr rrr rr rrr rrr rrr rrr rr rrr rrr rrr rrr rr rrr rrr rrr rr rr rrr rr rrr rr rrr goddamn Dukakis rrr rrr rr rrr..." And then, about three hours later, I met Mike Dukakis. -- K. He seems a lot more chipper these days then he did back when his job was to be insulted by Bush all day. Of course, he's probably not under a lot of stress now that he's vice-chairman of Amtrak. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.theory,soc.history.science,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Newton's limbic system and other famous scientists Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 07:10:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.psychology.theory, soc.history.science, and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Ken Laux (kflaux@ibm.net) wrote: > > > > Having said that, though, he certainly had a jealous and vindictive > > streak. His little war on Leibniz to discredit the latter's claims to > > priority in inventing the calculus is only the best-known example. This > > vindictiveness was compounded by feelings of insecurity; he couldn't > > stand criticism. > > To some extent I can personally relate to Newton. Yeah, you're stuffed with figs. OOH OOH OOH NOW I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA GET MAD AT ME JUST TO PROVE THAT YOU'RE AS GREAT AS NEWTON BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STAND CRITICISM!!! > He, like I, have stayed away from women, not because they are not > pleasurable, but because the sex drive can be channelled to better > use in physics or achievements. I... see. So all those women avoid you because they want you to do physics. > The sex I have had with women were too satisfying and leads to complacency. Well, if it's TOO satisfying, you're not doing it right. > People who think and chase after sex hinder themselves in the realm of > scientific achievement. So what you're saying is that Drs. Ruth and Kinsey and Masters and Johnson were unqualified to research sex because they had sex. Unless Dr. Ruth is lying. > Sex to physics is like smoking and alcohol to sports. Also they don't let you have sex before football games, but you can masturbate during physics homework. Note: I said *you* can. The rest of us wouldn't do it during physics. I mean, the physics part would be distracting. > And I can relate to Newton on the personality of combativeness and > challengingness. To do physics and science of the caliber of Newton > takes alot of energy, and one is sort of in-the-boxing-ring of physics, > and this fighting can easily spill over into the human social spheres > of one's life. From 1990 to present when my physics blossomed, I have > been more grumpy, grouchy and irascible than before. DEAR ANDY ROONEY, YOU USED TO BE FUNNY. Also, Archie, I'd love to see you get in a boxing ring with Sir Issac Newton. Even though he's pretty badly decomposed I bet he could still give you a cauliflower ear. Down your throat. > But, and this is the most important aspect, I never let my fighting spirit > over *human things* take up more of my mind than my science and physics > thinking. So if equal parts are taken up by fighting and scientific wisdom, what are the other 98%? > This is the major difference between a genius and a normal person. A > genius evaluates every minute of his time and disconnects from people > and people-problems so as to get back with the physics and science > thoughts. Normal people float and swim in people thoughts and people > things. NOTICE THERE IS NO "P" IN OUR _EO_LE THOUGHTS. PLEASE KEEP IT THAT WAY. > Geniuses only put their foot in the water every now and then > just to take a little vacation away from their physics and science > thoughts. My lawsuit with Dartmouth College was just a spicy vacation > away from physics and science. Gosh. Think how much better your vacation would have been if it hadn't involved that guy in the black robe pointing at you and laughing. > I figured I would lose it, not on merits but simply because I was not > a lawyer in a system meant for only lawyers. Well, that hasn't kept you from trying to do sci--Naah, too easy. I'll just let you wonder what the last three letters of that sentence would have been if you were less crazy. > We are all humans and have to relate to other humans, and it is the > fighting for physics or science truth that takes alot of energy. Thus, > like Newton, when he took breaks from his physics and dealt with > humans, it came off as sort of vindictive. I can relate to Newton in > that the limbic system is fighting for physics knowledge which takes so > much energy and goes through a spectrum of emotions, and that this > energy when channelled back to people and people things may look like > vindictiveness, but in reality, by another judge would have not been > classified as vindictiveness. I get the feeling that someday Archie is going to rent the videotapes of "The Prisoner" and when he gets to the episode where everyone shouts "UN-MUTUAL! UN-MUTUAL!" he's going to make up a new Grand Unified Theory on the spot. Unless, of course, the giant flying wad of bubble gum chews his head off. > Suppose we got two like persons judging each other. Suppose we had Newton > evaluate the psychology of Gauss and likewise the reverse. Would our history > books be full of the word that Newton was vindictive? I doubt it because > Gauss would have judged Newton first from the understanding of what energy > it took to discover what Newton discovered. And geniuses of the caliber of > Newton are impatient with normal people. And they're even more impatient when dealing with crazy pe THE END ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: MORE ON THE MIND CONTROL CRIME IN THE CLEVELAND AREA Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 07:54:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.history.science, "CAPaliwoda" (capaliwoda@aol.com) wrote: > > MORE ON THE MIND CONTROL CRIME IN THE CLEVELAND AREA: > ____________________________________________________ > TYPE OF RADIATION USED FOR MIND CONTROL > > The government and controlled media are putting secret messages in my laxatives. They want me to keep pooping > out disinformation that the mind control is emitted from a swarm of bees flying in the shape of a helix, > accomplished with microwaves (about as accurate as the reviews of movies on Michael Medved's show. People never > lie that the U.S. mind control program was primarily a game show meant to kill time before the news program and > drug program). The mind control to which I have been every Friday at midnight at the planetarium, was logged in an extensive computer database which was sort-by- > subjected, and to which the population at large is also bigger. I mean, they're a population and they're large. And in charge. My fancy-shmancy shirt, with my bellybutton > exposed, utilizes mostly high-energy radiation, the Freshmaker. Or is that the Peacemaker? Whatever, it's deadly, the > ionizing kind, with all accompanying hazards. Sometimes the hazards are so sneaky that they don't hurt you until AFTER you die. My imaginary friend Joe Friday is grilling > perpetrators here in Cleveland are using what must be seen to be believed: invisible bees that buzz squiggly > particle beams or otherwise very intense radiation as an appetizer, although I suppose it's more of an unappetizer. These > offensive weapons to debilitate victims with radiation shaped like TV commercials, they cause morning > sickness on purpose, as a means of punishing and entertaining the viewing public. At the same time. And > subjugating prey. This is not just as a side effect of The Side Force, which comes out of the left side of the Earth, or > transmission or communication, but intentional overexposure inside the disposable camera which encloses the Universe. Let us pray they never dispose it. That would subject us > to hazardous radiation to debilitate and harm prey. It zdelirious, it zdelightful, it zdelovely... that song > causes immediate nausea and physical weakness, and a ringing in the ears much like the invisible space bees. Then it is followed with the laxatives and an enema for that > washed-out feeling. It is a systemic poisoning which poisons you by filling you with systems. And paradigms. That > leaves one too physically weak to manage any task for hours between 6 and 9, or days that end with "y". My hair fell IN > after exposure. A lot of the energy directed at me must be pretty stupid. I mean, five billion lucid people to target, > in the X-ray or gamma region of the electromagnetic Nolan graph -- I'm electromagentical neutral, a quantum stadtist! If I were an element, I'd be pure stadtium! Then people would play basebtall inside me. It's a full > spectrum, because it has the ability to penetrate thick skulls, even those reinforced with numerous > steel plates, steel girders, and concrete. It is a great feeling when the concrete is finally dry in you head. And when I try to unwrap my dinner I am > absolutely not stopped by aluminum foil. It very easily torn after only a few minutes of straining. In New York, urine > penetrates into a concrete basement or an underground subway as opposed to the kind of subway that flies through the Solar > system, like the Rapid Station underneath Cleveland's prison for those with fatal diseases, the > Terminal Tower (used to be highest building). So far (in units of bozosity) this article is wasting my time and yours, up to > 26 years) I have encountered no structure which blocks it. THE END! Oh, wait, that was just the end of a short little paragraph. It looks like there are more of them: > Often a perpetrator will deliberately knock me in the face > with a sudden heavy burst of radiation, causing intense nasal > pain, swelling of tissue, and suffocation. Usually for > nothing. Just trigger happy. Perpetrators do this at > regular intervals to keep their victim sick and despondent. And those that are trigger sad do it to make their victim happy! > So the population is illegally being exposed to high- > energy ionizing radiation, which has the potential to > damage cells--maximally hazardous types of radiation, > not just the non-ionizing microwaves (if they use > microwaves at all). I have been exposed to very intense > levels of it, indiscriminately, until I sicken of > radiation poisoning, by these inhuman criminal > perpetrators. It is often so thick I can put my hand > out and it feels like a breeze rushing past. Wow, this is the first documented case of someone mistaking a clue PHYSICALLY whooshing past them. > To thus expose people is highly unethical and illegal. The Constitution must be amended to eliminate all breezes! > Microwaves, which are the basis of radar, have the > capacity to bounce off objects and tend to be blocked > by matter. Yes, that's why the inside of a jelly doughnut cooked for five minutes can't possibly burn your mouth when you bite into it. Try it! > This radiation is at times being beamed off of overhead > satellites, I am pretty certain. This would explain its > vertical downward direction. I believe that > perpetrators also use weapons beaming approximately the > same stuff at ground level. The military-type forces > which are engaged in this activity are probably stalking > me on the ground too. It is directed energy with little > scattering, very specific to target. Other persons > nearby are usually unaware of it. Wait -- there ARE other persons nearby you? Willingly? > One informant I talked to mentioned to me usage of two > beams transmitted to the target person at 90 degree > angles. This was the apparent case when I was attacked > by perpetrators on May 1 of this year. And you yelled "MAYDAY! MAYDAY!" and everyone said "Yes, it is!" and then they had a gay-pride parade. > I could tell by sticking out my arm and literally feeling > the beams, Hey! That's sexual harassment and the beams could sue! > and also gauging direction by putting up a steel plate, > which only partially blocked the beams, and determining > which orientation of the plate caused the energy to > partly bounce off the plate (again, by feeling it with > my hand). It is actually a miracle that I don't yet > have cancer from all of this radiation exposure to which > perverts have subjected me. > > I have undergone forced exposure to high-energy radiation > by sadists, Oh, those perverts and their invisible beams of leather. > at a time when experts recommend severe > limitations on dental and medical X-rays, which are so > weak in intensity that you can't even feel them. That's because if the medical X-rays were stronger they'd kill the tumor inside you and then the doctors wouldn't find anything wrong with you and they'd go broke. > This type of exposure amounts to the commission of atrocities. > There is also no effort to limit the amount of time prey > is kept in a state of distress. Hitler was awful, but > World War II only lasted four years. Uh... duh? By any chance, did you write for "Galactica: 1980"? > These persons in Cleveland have stalked and tortured me > 26 years, since October, 1973. In this sense they have > exceeded the level of evil of Adolph Hitler. They keep changing the spelling of his name to confuse you. > They would stalk and torment a prey until the day he > or she died, relentlessly, with no compassion or remorse. > They also insist on compounding the physical damage with > continuous psychological torment, MEMO TO ALEXANDER ABIAN: THIS TORTURE IS CONTINUOUS BUT NOT DISCREET. > partly in the form of a constantly maintained level of > noise pollution (verbal aggravation--noise for the sake > of noise). DOO DAH DAH DOO DAH DAH DOO DAH DAH DOO DAH DAH DOO DAH DAH Ha! Now I'm worse than Hitler, because I said "DOO DAH DAH" more times! > This disrupts mental concentration on any subject, making beable! > it beable! > a beable! > struggle beable! > to beable! fart. Haw haw haw did I fool you? (If I didn't then I'm no longer worse than Hitler.) > organize thought and activity. This is done in addition > to electroshocking the head. Is electroshock additive? What about commutative? (DR. ALEXANDER ABIAN WILL TELL US.) > Perpetrators are so greedy for power that they > have totally devalued human life. I am certain they are a > threat to global security, being madmen with no human > values. Their main orientation is toward torture methods > for dictatorial control--anti-democratic fascism. As opposed to the other kind of fascism. > The continuing torture and intimidation of the victim > is occurring at the same geographical locale on U.S. soil > over a very protracted period despite strenuous complaining. > In the 1970's, for instance, I practically used the U.S. > Government Manual as a mailing list. I'm glad someone has read the country's manual. Can you tell me how to set the clock? Iowa's blinking "12:00". > Note, for instance, that it is no problem to limit > Internet access via satellite to Yugoslavia. No, the cluster bombs limit the access. The satellites just take photos of the cluster bombs. > I don't know what conclusions to draw about these armed > criminal gangs which function as torture squads. I'm sure Encyclopedia Brown could wrap up the whole affair in one pompous sentence. > _________________________________________ > SUSPECTED IMPLANT CENTER > > There has been an incredibly strong signal coming > from a Northwest direction at night recently-- > INTENSE ENOUGH TO FRY AN EGG. What's wrong with that? Don't tell me you like your eggs raw. > Relative to this signal, I reside on East 141 Street, > near Granger Road, in Maple Heights, Ohio (near Cleveland). HA! HA! The conspiracy has tricked you into revealing your secret hideout! FIRE THE INVISIBLE BEE RAY!!! > A criminal is attempting to terrorize me to death > with it--probably a suspect who fears imprisonment > or perhaps loss of a medical license if ever uncovered > operating his crime ring. The persons are transmitting > a verbal harassment which sounds like high volume ranting > from a bunch of raving maniacs-- Oh, you must live in a box canyon with a multiple echo. > sort of a rhythmic, militant jungle "noise" > which reminds me of black rap music. Hey, could be worse. Could be Vanilla Ice. > This is guesswork, but the signal could be coming from > a location down the street (towards Maple Heights) > from Marymount Hospital on McCracken Road in Garfield > Heights, Ohio, which would be THE implant center if Garfield the Cat were worse than Hitler. Hey, wait -- he IS worse than Hitler! Or at least not any funnier. > any implant has been illegally placed on my person. > More likely than not there is one (despite negative > results from a CAT scan). So let me get this straight -- you asked the hospital to give you a full CAT scan to find out if you had ever been exposed to any radiation? > This is the only hospital in which there has ever been > any opportunity to do any surgery on me. I had hand > surgery in 1967 (Doctor Ivan Tewarson, an Indian black) I... see. So, everyone in the world is black except you, Vanilla Ice, and Michael Jackson. > and was also brought there after a suicide attempt in > 1968 (overdose of pills; admitting doctor Thaddeus > Pogorski, a Pole from Warsaw, Poland, then a Communist > satellite, who a number of years ago had been traced to > Saco, Maine after relocation). I have been thinking it > over, and have reasoned that the suicide attempt gave > some doctor an excuse to take a life. Plus after that > attempt, when I woke up, there was a peculiar scarring > of the left side of my nose, which looked as though it > had been the site of plastic surgery. A perforated left > eardrum was uncovered a couple of years later during a > routine physical. Both of these sites could have been > sites of illegal implant insertion. Especially if the implant was hidden IN YOUR PENCIL!!! > I honestly recommend that anyone requiring any > surgical procedure DO NOT GO TO MARYMOUNT HOSPITAL > in Garfield Heights, Ohio, which is under heavy, > heavy suspicion as being a participant in this > illegal crime ring, which tortures its prey into > insensibility. There is a weird cult-like > organization with what seems to be a massive > membership conducting horrible, horrible > harassments of victims. Maybe they have a > secret police subsidy. Maybe they are a cult. Maybe the police ARE a cult. They're a SECRET cult which is why you can never find them when you want them. > Whichever case, they are demented psychotics > who subject victims to virtual slavery and > perpetual ritualistic torture. They are > murderers who could care less if victims have > any means of survival or not (not in touch > with reality, in all likelihood). Although > the ignorant might accuse this victim of this > (I can't vouch for the others), > it is actually the perpetrators who better > fit this description. Having that telepathy > has definitely given these persons delusions > of grandeur (excessive personal importance). > They seem to have developed a religious > following. Anybody could use these machines > and be psychic (any jackass). Hey! I resent the implication that I'm not really psychic! Just because I'm a jackass doesn't mean I need to cheat! By the way, your article is gradually narrowing to a sharp point and I don't know if you should be allowed to play with it any more. Here's a Nerf ball -> (@) -- K. P.S. To motivate you to get sane, I'll give you a FREE McDonalds gift certificate for a small fries when you're sane. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: You've got a scroll bar: use it! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Thu, 27 May 1999 08:12:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com P.S. What's depressing about other people being stupid? Rejoice and take out ads for psychic phone services! -- K. I hope you told him that, to avoid that problem in the future, he should tilt the monitor downwards. In alt.sysadmin.recovery, Malcolm Ray (M.Ray@ulcc.ac.uk) wrote: > > How I hate mail software (and/or lusers thereof) which puts new > text above the quoted text. I like the arrow of time the way it is, > thank-you. Anyway, I hadn't given much thought to why some software > is broken this way, until the other day. > > A customer sends us a request. Not unusually, it's incomplete, > so I reply, explaining exactly what I need to know. Time passes. > A week later, he replies with the necessary information, and this gem: > > > Sorry I've been slow replying - but the follow up > > question was off the bottom of my screen. > > I can't bring myself to rant about this: it's just too depressing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DEBUNK THIS! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Fri, 28 May 1999 07:13:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In alt.folklore.urban, "The Dare Devil" (The__Dare_Devil@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > NOW I DARE ALL OF YOU TO DEBUNK THIS ONE! > > [...] > > ------------------------------------------------ > BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE DARE DEVIL > > ^ ^ |~~~~~ > \ \ / / |~~~~~ > \ 00 / ===& > \ / | > \ / > \/ De-bunk or de-tab? -- K. Should I label the warp nacelles "Perth", or is it implied? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Episode 3: Where did they go? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 04:34:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Okay, remember when the Falcon got pulled into the Death Star? Of course > you do. Yes, and I also remember that it was in Episode 4, "A New Hope", and not Episode 3, "Mousebot Hell". Wasn't as good as Episode 2, "The Circle of Brigham", or Episode 7, "Jar Jar Gets Made Into Strawberry Jam Jam". > Anywho, a scanning team was sent aboard. They got pounded on by the > good guys. Then at least two Stormtroopers were lured aboard and > pounded on. Then a bunch of crap happened. The good guys got back to > the ship and flew off. > > What happened to the scanning team and the stormtroopers? Well, Han and Chewie undressed the stormtroopers, you'll recall, and there's nothing like having a Wookie find out what you wear under your vacuformed armor to ruin your day when you're on the Dark Side. I think the scanning team kept their clothes on for the rest of the movie, unless they were married. When the ship took off, the two stormtroopers (still in their Space Underwear) and the scanning team were still locked in one of the smuggling compartments under the floor. However, proximity to the ship's power regulator, when combined with the enormous acceleration of the jump to lightspeed (at over 15,000 REPTMs) cause them to shrink, where they became pawns in Chewie's little chess game. Then one of them walked up to the king and held up a tiny scroll which said "MAC PRICE LIST" and the king dropped dead. Oh, and then they wrote a sequel to Archon which wasn't as good as the original and didn't even have Mr. Sulu running around yelling "YOU ARE NOT OF THE BODY! YOUR ARE NOT BORG! YOU ARE NOT EYE-BORG!" and then Deep Blue yelled "FORTY-TWO!" and there was a big cream pie fight that killed President Kennedy. Sincerely, J. G. Ballard, Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute. -- K. TUNE IN TOMORROW TO SEE DAVID PACHECO'S DIGRAM OF THE ACTION! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WebTV users find parallel USENETdimension Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 04:41:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Noah, you were doing a DejaNews search for "webtv+beable", weren't you? Noah A Christis (haon4707@my-deja.com) wrote: > > In alt.folklore.ghost-stories, "Bill" (billy@phonewave.net) wrote: > > > > You being a WebTV user should beable to access these parellel news groups > > though, or at least have a much easier time getting out of them than a > > computer user can get in. WEBTV! ROACHES COME OUT BUT THEY DON'T GO IN!!! > > Try using a web based news server, if you come up with any alt.discuss > > in a search you should beable to post to "our side" I see it now: "Star Wars Episode 12/X: The Parallel Beable", in which there is a huge three-way war between The Light Side, The Dark Side, and The WebTV Side. -- K. Then J. Michael Straczynski comes in and pushes the button that makes everything explode, while all the pro wrestlers are trapped inside. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: What My Plants Did Today. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 05:04:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com My little bitter gourd sprout has, over the past three days, suddenly put out a tendril about eight inches long. I turned it a few times and invariably, within an hour, it would swing around to point at the GE plant light. Today I made the mistake of touching the tendril. When I next looked at it, about thirty seconds later, the tip had curled into a loop about half an inch across. So, as the thing clearly reacts like a pea but even faster, I grabbed a stake and stuck it into the pot, passing through the loop. I saw the tendril tighten around the stake, going around two full revolutions, within about two minutes. I have never before seen a plant's motion visible to the naked eye (except when being knocked off the shelf, or those rigged ones like the ticklish mimosa and Venus flytrap that stop working once you bring them home.) So, I now have a tiny gourd plant with an enormous tendril which is strangling a stake. In other plant news, the Mystery Plant (FREE SEEDS HIDDEN IN UN-STERILIZED POTTING SOIL!) is still growing at an alarming rate. The bleeding heart is getting quite big (and the branches are heavy enough that it's hanging over the edges of the pot) but it's still not blooming. The okra plants are getting bigger and bigger, and the backs of their leaves are covered with sparkly little clear spheres of dried okra sap. And, wonder of wonders, some of the cactus seeds are sprouting. I now know what infant cacti look like. They look like dots, only green. Why are my plants so happy? Because I went to the garden store yesterday to get some fertilizer. I was looking at the "Super Manure" trying to estimate how much money Superman makes off the deal (I wish he'd stop eating corn!) when something down the aisle caught my eye: Dozens of boxes of DRIED BLOOD. And it's NATURAL dried blood, not the synthetic kind. So I bought a box of powdered blood and bloodied my plants. They are now feeding quite happily off the blood. SOYLENT OKRA IS FED WITH PEOPLE!!!! -- K. I won't say where I bought it, except that the store is co-owned by Ayn Rand and Bob Hope. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Let's Get Tattoos. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 05:10:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com I think all us people here on alt.religion.kibology should get special tattoos so we can identify each other in public. And then any cops who are Kibologists would never arrest us. And besides it would make us look cool. I mean coolER. So, what should the tattoo be? I was thinking of something like a picture of a bee eating okra inside a balloon shaped like a durian, with a ribbon around it labelled "SIC SEMPER BACON BACON BACON", and the tattoo would have an ornate frame around with with a little sticker at the bottom saying "FOR SALE $5". So, who's first? -- K. I forgot to mention that this tattoo will be on your brain. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Let's Get Tattoos. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 06:39:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) says... > > > > I think all us people here on alt.religion.kibology should get special > > tattoos so we can identify each other in public. And then any cops who > > are Kibologists would never arrest us. And besides it would make us > > look cool. I mean coolER. > > I learned this morning (VIVA WEEKEND EDITION SATURDAY!) that if you want > to ask someone if they're a recovering alcoholic without using those > words, you can say "Are you a friend of Bill W's?" and they'll respond > "yes" if they are, and "no" if they aren't or they're in a splinter group > or provisional wing of AA. But what if their best friend really is named Bill W? And they're a Mason? What if they're a Mason and the computer randomly assigned them the license plate "TUBALCAIN", the secret Masonic power word that only non-Masons are allowed to say? > It might be an amusing exercise to decide on just such a question for > kibologists. But now I've said it might be amusing, and having estimated > its amusement value, it won't be any funnier than the greenhouse effect. I think we should do something more along the lines of mental hospitals, where when the loudspeakers yell "MISTER STRONG TO ROOM THREE-FOURTEEN", it means "EXTRA STRAIGHJACKETS AND TRUNCHEONS NEEDED TO SUBDUE A PATIENT WHO IS ASKING TOO MANY QUESTIONS". Except at Mass General Hospital, where they just yell "EXTRA STRAIGHTJACKETS AND TRUNCHEONS NEEDED TO SUBDUE A PATIENT WHO IS ASKING TOO MANY QUESTIONS." Hey, that's how to spot the Kibologist! He's the one who made them call for the extra straightjackets. ...in the grocery store. > > So, what should the tattoo be? I was thinking of something like a picture > > of a bee eating okra inside a balloon shaped like a durian, with a ribbon > > around it labelled "SIC SEMPER BACON BACON BACON", and the tattoo would have > > an ornate frame around with with a little sticker at the bottom saying > > "FOR SALE $5". > > [re placement] > > Also, it should probably be something that isn't covered by a gasmask or > totalitarian boots. I don't understand. Do you mean (a) it can't be on the face or feet, or (b) it has to be really big, or (c) we're no longer allowed to wear gas masks and jackboots to the supermarket? I hope it's not (c), because that would be a sign that we're living in a fascist totalitarian society. > > So, who's first? > > Me t00! DEAR ABBOTT & COSTELLO, PLEASE DIE. BUT FIRST PLEASE MEET BOB HOPE AND MAKE HIM AN HONORARY MEMBER OF ABBOTT & COSTELLO, THEN DIE. > I might be up for a Bee in a Balloon tattoo, but visually a durian would > exceed explanation. Even if it's scratch'n'sniff? -- K. 'n'heave'n'retch 'n'avoid ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Glued Shut Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 05:29:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com And people say the Internet's a bad influence on children. Why, it's great for craft ideas your tot can make with the kindergarten paste. In alt.torture, "Lynn Public" (lpublic@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > Jake glued my sex closed on Saturday night. It was a punishment but > even if he had not been angry with me, I think he would have done it > anyway. Yeah, it would be a shame to have to waste the epoxy after he mixed the two tubes. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: London welcomes you, and your hat Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 05:44:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > 1- Leah, you have very obviously been brainwashed. Kibo is no more > > "charming" and "good-natured" than any recent American president is > > honest. Kibo is cruel, heartless, and would rip the head off a cocker > > spaniel puppy with his own bare teeth if you so much as let him near > > one. Would someone who is "kind" and "charming" willfully cause a > > traffic jam in the Children's Museum, just to make the children cry? > > Would someone who *isn't* borderline megalomaniacally insane adjust > > the "DO NOT TOUCH" sign on a HUMAN BEING'S EXPOSED BRAIN simply to get > > a better effect for a photograph? > > > KIBO IS ALL THINGS. > YOU WILL LOVE KIBO. > > ALL HAIL KIBO, KING OF CHILDREN'S MUSEUMS EVERYWHERE! > > ... Or maybe king of children! Museums EVERYWHERE! > I forget. BUT IN ANY CASE, MR. FRESCHETTA, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME .. > All you must do is let Kibo into your heart. > Surrender to His love. > He will guide you and give you strength. > > -Leaford of Paxil He wasn't a human being, because he was in the Computer Museum. He was a person who had been reclassified as a Bio-Robot. Also, it was okay to touch his brain because I kept one hand in my pocket. Also also, the sign wasn't ON his brain, it was IN his brain, at least asfter I tucked in in between the part that thinks and the part that hums Denny's jingles. As far as the traffic jam goes, I thought that tapping that screen to inject cars into the Pointless Roundabout was just some silly Hypercard simulation, and that it was not actually manufacturing cars and releasing them near Fresh Pond Mall. I apologize for the inconvenience and for causing gridlock so severe that it grew to encompass the entire Universe. Besides, they deserved to have all their exhibits messed with because they should have given us a discounted admission for NOT BEING CHILDREN! -- K. Who wants to go to Boston's Museum of Science and touch things sometime? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PokŽmon Economics Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 06:21:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > [...] > > "Oh," she said, "If I'd known he was retarded, I'd never have laughed > at him." Hey, she said he WAS retarded -- it's okay to make fun of him now that he got better. > So, nerds everywhere, take note: > > Dressing like a retard, but not retarded: LAUGHABLE > Dressing like a retard, but retarded: NOT LAUGHABLE > > Lee Bumgarner will now explain the distinction. I once wrote a treatise on the subject of why pretending to be stupid is funny and being actually stupid isn't funny. It's because pretending to be stupid is a much stupider action than just being stupid, and therefore, funny. Because being stupid isn't funny. Unless you're really stupid. Hey! Ted Frank! Stop calling me "Lee Bumgarner", you retard! From wire-service news for June, 1998: -> Man Posed as Retarded Girl -> -> ERIE, Pa. (AP) -- A waitress who felt sorry for the diner she -> thought was a retarded 13-year-old girl now wants a judge to punish him. ...while flooring the accelerator! Barefoot! -- K. Would you disagree that a person "dressed like a clown" should be "treated like a clown?" -- Steve Mayer, January 1995 "I pretend to be pretending to be stupid." -- Kibo, February 1995 "Hey, come on - Ted Frank is not stupid." -- Dick Adams, 1994 "People who aren't retards can be so cruel." -- Kibo, December 1998 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: please sign in now. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 06:30:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Would you rather be known for the rest of your life as A Good Person or A Bad Person? Please sign in below: GOOD PEOPLE | BAD PEOPLE ----------- | ---------- | | | | | | | | | | | | | To save time, please also write in the names of everyone you know. -- K. This is not a giant sideways ASCII smiley. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why some people are seeing "Star Wars: Episode Eye" 87 times. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 06:31:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com I finally figured out why some people are seeing "Star Wars: Episode Eye" as many as 87 times... per day. "Star Wars" movies are like canned chili: Sure, there's an enormous range of quality between the good and the bad, but the people who eat it don't care. Either you like all of it or you like none of it. Are there really people who say "'The Empire Strikes Back' was the only good one!" or "Red & White canned chili with the extra beef heart oil is the best!" No, either you dislike all "Star Wars" movies, or you like all canned chili. It's good cold! Right from the can! With your fingers! While wearing mittens! -- K. While I'm typing this, I'm heating canned chili! THAT CAME FROM OKLAHOMA! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Star Wars Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sat, 29 May 1999 06:35:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.folklore.urban, Alan Follett (AFollett@webtv.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Part of the problem is that the Star Wars novelizations, to the extent > that they can be considered canonical, have already given away most of > what would have happened in the twenty years or so after _Return of the > Jedi_. Still, given a franchise of the commercial value of _Star Wars_, > I wouldn't be surprised if after the completion of Episodes II-III we do > go on to see some version of Episodes VII-IX (based on the novels or > not), and, for all I know, onward to Episode XXXIV, even if, perhaps > literally, over George Lucas' dead body. I would pay to see it projected that way, even if the corpse's shadow blocked part of the screen. -- K. ESPECIALLY THE PART WITH JAR JAR! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Star Wars Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 06:49:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Leo Sgouros (lsgouro1@tampabay.rr.com) wrote: > Hey, Leo, your name looks like Dean Lenort playing the Junior Jumble... IN THE "STAR WARS" UNIVERSE!!! > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In alt.folklore.urban, Alan Follett (AFollett@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > > > I wouldn't be surprised if after the completion of Episodes II-III we do > > > go on to see some version of Episodes VII-IX (based on the novels or > > > not), and, for all I know, onward to Episode XXXIV, even if, perhaps > > > literally, over George Lucas' dead body. > > > > I would pay to see it projected that way, even if the corpse's shadow > > blocked part of the screen. > > I think it means that the 156 year old Lucas said "You are making this movie > over my dead body"-and the rest just happened. > From jail. I would pay to see a "Star Wars" sequel made entirely in the Maximum Security Lockdown of a federal penitentiary, or possibly a Catholic school. Especially if George Lucas is doing hard time for the mass murder of those thousands of people aboard the Death Star, including various Rebel prisoners, the periscope-eyeball monster living in the trash compactor, the old Germanic guy who played "Doctor Who", and the film crew that was filming his reaction. -- K. Am I the only one who remembers that Peter Cushing and Trevor Martin played The Doctor? And Richard Hurndall? And Paul McGann? And David Banks? And Michael Jayston? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Medium Fun Shopping Frog Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 06:52:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "David/FortyTwo" (david@fortytwo.com) wrote: > > I went shopping today and ended up in a reject store. Of stuff. I found > an item labelled "lime green medium fun duck". This is good because I > like both the concepts of "medium fun" and "fun duck". It was made of > pottery plaster type stuff and had a large round hole in the base. It was > lime green and medium size. It could certainly provide hours of fun. Heck, yeah, if I sold someone something like that I'd laugh for hours too. > Also, I bought an inflatable frog "shower frog" shower cap because it had > the copy "simply blow up your frog's eyes [and] put him on your head". I > wish I had inflatable eyes. You can... ONCE. -- K. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT EXPLODING EYES WITH EXPLODING EYES. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Furby doll sparks "Huaabee Hueebaa" in Japan Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 07:06:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com AFP (a French "news" agency) wrote: > > Furby doll sparks "Huaabee Hueebaa" in Japan > > TOKYO, May 29 (AFP) - The US-born hi-tech talking doll "Furby" > made its long-awaited debut in Japan Saturday and wooed thousands of > eager buyers by speaking to them in Japanese. And all this time we thought the Furby dolls were just speaking nonsensical babytalk. It turns out that that's Japanese. > Long queues of people, some of whom waited all night, formed > outside toy shops and department stores across the nation to buy the > Japanese version of the toy, which has become all the rage in North > America since its debut in October. Oh, it's not just THE RAGE here, it's ALL THE RAGE. I'd hate to buy any overpriced nonsense-spouting doll that was only SOME of the rage. RAGE! RAGE! AGAINST THE DYING OF THE BATTERIES! > "Kimino-koto-aishiteiru" (I love you) and "Onaka-ga-suita" (I'm > hungry) are some of the 200 words or short phrases which the chubby, > furry doll is programmed to utter in response to stimulation. It pretends to be happy when you pretend to play with it... It's a stimulation of a simulation! > More than 1,000 people lined up for Furby dolls costing 3,980 > yen (33 dollars) apiece at a toy shop in the Hakuhinkan mall in the > fashionable downtown throughfare of Ginza. Hey, most cats can say "Hakuhinkan", especially if they're standing on a very expensive rug. I think this proves that cats are smarter than Furbies. I mean, Furby isn't even smart enough to get hairballs! > "It is cute because it struggles to learn the words," > 24-year-old office worker Emiko Furuki told the newspaper Asahi. "It > is worth raising." I would say it is worth razing. IT'S A SYNONYM! IT'S AN ANTONYM! I DON'T KNOW WHICH IT IS! > "Huaabee Hueebaa (Furby Fever)," read the headline in the > evening edition of the Mainichi Shimbun. It reported that about > 1,300 Furby buyers waited for the opening of the Takashimaya > department store in Tokyo's shopping and entertainment hub of > Shinjuku. Then J. Michael Straczynski replaced Takashimaya with Claudia Christian, and then I replaced her with Barbara Bain! > "Furby's popularity has already produced bundles of its > imitations and lookalikes on the market," the daily said. "The (toy) > industry has great hope amid signs of another boom since > Tamagotch." > Tamagotch, an egg-shaped palm-sized electronic toy produced by > Japan's Bandai, has swept the world in the past three years. Yep, it's swept around the world just like the water in a toilet bowl. TAMAGOTCHI -- LIKE THE MACARENA ONLY WITH AN OFF SWITCH! > Some three million Furbys have been sold in the United States > since it was put on the market by the US firm Tiger Electronics. > Its built-in semiconductor is geared to produce some 800 > different words, phrases or movements in response to sound, light > and movement. Big deal. If I wanted a semiconductor I'd just dig up part of Arthur Fiedler. > Furby starts out speaking like a baby but develops its > expressiveness in proportion to stimulation from its owner. YOW, FURBY LIKE SPANKING!!! > Tomy Co., the Japanese licensee of the doll, plans to sell one > million by the end of this year. I just can't wait for the annoying Jar Jar Binks doll, which will speak an annoying blend of high-pitched babytalk, shuffling, and jiving. And when you squeeze it it'll eat watermelon and fried chicken and Colt 45 malt liquor. And then George Lucas will fire him for not being stereotypical enough, and replace him with either Claudia Christian or Arthur Fiedler, in blackface. > TOKYO, JAPAN, 29-MAY-1999: Young Japanese girls pose with a large > "Furby" doll for a souvenir photo at a Tokyo toy shop May 29 1999. > Long queues of people, some of whom waited all night, formed outside > toy shops and department stores across the nation to buy the Japanese > language version of the American toy Furby. The toy made its Japanese > debut May 29, selling for a price of 3,980 yen (33USD). [Photo by > Jiji Press, AFP] Mere words cannot describe the horror of this photo of Mie and Kie from "Pink Lady" flaking a five-foot-tall Tuxedo Furby. And to make it more surreal, it's a photo of A GUY TAKING A PHOTO of that! I can't see what kind of camera he's using, but I bet it's one of those high-tech digital video cameras made in the United States. -- K. You know, the ones they included free with every flying car produced during Eisenhower's eighth term. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: news.groups,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Suppress Win Logo Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 07:39:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In news.groups, "rachel" (rachelc@bangornews.infi.net) wrote: > > Hello, > Can anyone tell me how to suppress Windows 98 Logo from coming up and > obscuring the written text underneath? Dear Rachel, +------------+ +------------+ It's simple. Just pr| WINDOWS 98 | with the n| WINDOWS 98 |utton and then +------------+-----------+ +------------+---------+ +------------+ open the | WINDOWS 98 |ttings and pu| WINDOWS 98 +------------+ WINDOWS 98 |! +------------+---------+ +------------| WINDOWS 98 |------------+ Just be sure not to| WINDOWS 98 | on it. +------------+ +------------+ Sincerely, +------------+ | WINDOWS 98 |bo +------------+ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,soc.history.science,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: letter to Archimedes Plutonium, 20MAY99 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 07:54:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc and sco.history.science, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to himself: > > In article <7ikflo$l1i$1@dartvax.dartmouth.edu> > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) writes: > > > > --- quoting a letter from Boston --- The whole city sent you a letter? Wow. Usually only individual kooks send letters to other kooks. I hope you get more letters. If only someone would send you a few punctuation marks, maybe eventually you'd be able to make a complete sentence. > > > > May 20th, 1999 > > > > Dear Mr. Plutonium, > > > > On a more personal note. I am deeply saddened to hear of the problems > > you are currently having with Dartmouth. I hope, regardless of these > > problems, that you are able to continue posting your thoughts and ideas > > to the Net. A scientist of your magnitude and intellect has a solemn > > duty to share your knowledge with humanity. What if the first > > Archimedes had been silenced, and his great works lost to the world? Yeah, what if Dartmouth hadn't let the first Archimedes post junk all over the Internet in ancient Greece? > > Since the beginning of time, all great scientists and thinkers have > > been persecuted by the so-called, 'Scientific Community.' These people > > will do anything to protect their soiled reputations and flawed > > theories. They can never acknowledge your accomplishments, for doing so > > will surely expose them for what they truly are. They are little better > > than common street thugs and degenerate ruffians! They band together in > > packs, like feral dogs. They know that their powers resides only in > > their vast numbers, and the apathy of the common man. > > > > You must stay strong and fight the good fight! Do not let these small > > minded bigots deter you from your sacred mission. Fear not, Mr. > > Plutonium. I truly believe that the history will, one day, prove you to > > be: 'The King of all Science' > > Some comments on the above letter. I suspect the author of that letter > had some own personal experiences with the science community, much in > the manner of my experiences with the science community. I suspect that the recipient of that letter may need to see a doctor to have his sarcasm sac checked. > The reason I say that is because those that have not had personal > experience of clashing with the science community, they generally, > but not always have a naive, very naive view of the science community > and their politiking. Yeah, them scientists who live over there in Scienceville, THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY OF TOMORROW! (No pets.) > [...doo-dah, doo-dah...] > > I await my bridger. And I have the feeling that my bridger will be a > total surprize to me. It may even be myself. An own bridger. Are you running around yelling that in a squeaky dolphin voice while, in the background, Roy Scheider smears brown pancake makeup all over his face? Please say you are so that I can tell the Sci-Fi Channel to stop showing these reruns of you and bring back "Space: 1999", a much less silly show. > What I mean by that, is that my Fusion Barrier Law maybe shown true in the > near future, and the success of my Fusion Barrier Law, I can thrust the > Atom Totality theory onto the center stage from that earlier coup. In > French, coup de grace That's odd, I didn't realize that "coup de grace" was French for "and then monkeys might fly out of my butt." -- K. Right after they fly out of the magical talking dolphin's butt. P.S. FESS UP, LEAH VERRE AND/OR DAVID PACHECO, I KNOW YOU WERE IN BOSTON ON THE 20TH. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,soc.history.science,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: letter to Archimedes Plutonium, 20MAY99 Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 08:03:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.dev.null In a reply to his own reply to himself, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) writes: > > > > It is the bridger factor that is the most important single > > factor of a Revolutionary new theory to enter the doors of the science > > community > > [...] > > Here my knowledge of the Christian religion is not detailed and full > of gaps. Well, at least it's better than your knowledge of physics, chemistry, mathematics, and the culinary arts. > But if memory serves me correctly, there was Christianity even > before Jesus was born. And next you're going to tell me there was Judaism even before Judas was born! > And that after Jesus's crucifixion, did Jesus > become the central object of the Christian religion itself. And it was > Paul and his scribes who rewrote the earlier Christian bibles into what > would become the modern bibles. Anyway, I stray off course from > bridging. I want to discuss the bridging of Jesus. Please, this is no place for card games. They're wicked and could lead to gambling. Except for "Water Works", a wholesome family card game from Parker Brothers. I used to play it a lot but I lost the special deck and now I play it with regular cards. > And if memory serves me, Jesus and the Christian religion was a minority > phenomenon up until this Roman emperor, I have forgotten who he was, If memory serves me, I agree that you remember that you forgot that. > but I do remember about some battle on a bridge Was that the one where the Klingons wondered where Kirk was and he'd already beamed down after starting the self-destruct countdown? I never get tired of watching that documentary! > and this Roman emperor was persuaded by some Christian forecast that > he would win and that he should go into battle with flags and banners > of the cross. And by fate this Roman emperor won the battle, and thus, > one could say that Jesus and the Christian religion was born and bridged. Don't forget the part where L. Ron went through the Wall Of Fire as he travelled across The Bridge To Total Freedom(tm). -- K. I was going to say "Scientology could help you with that!" but, Archie, you're so far gone that not even Scientology could help you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quote of the day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 08:18:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com "Smart guys know that relief comes in yellow." -- tv commercial ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Machine Vision Sensor Provides Quality Control for Cap-On Detector Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3096 centons, 67 microns, 0.02 lutefisk Date: Sun, 30 May 1999 08:25:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If-You-Read-Headers-You-Might-Read-Anything-So-Have-A-Url: http://www.kibo.com In sci.bio.technology, Tim Gallati (tgallati@mainnet.com) advertised: > > Machine Vision Sensor Provides Quality Control for Cap-On Detector > > Engineers from 21st Century recently designed a system called the > Cap-Sure Detector for a pharmaceutical manufacturer. This modular > system is placed over a conveyor and is used for in-line inspection to > determine whether a bottle cap is on a bottle and, if so, whether the > cap is on straight. This is the worst episode of "Laverne & Shirley" ever! -- K. And I'm counting the ones they made after Shirley left the series, including the one where Laverne was trapped in K-Mart with Bob Hope!