From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Follow-up: Mind Control Gang in Cleveland Date: 06 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: sci.engr,alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com In alt.activism.community, alt.journalism, alt.news-media, alt.conspiracy.spy, and sci.engr, Carol Paliwoda (capaliwoda@netzero.net) wrote: > > VICIOUS THUGS NEAR SOUTHGATE SHOPPING CENTER > June 5, 1999 > > I went shopping yesterday at the Super K-mart store > across from Southgate shopping center in Maple Heights, > Ohio. Hmm. The last time I saw one of these missives (a few hours ago) I tried to make it silly by sticking in references to K-Mart. But this one is already filled with references to K-Mart. My head hurts. HOW DID I KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO GO TO K-MART? STOP BROADCASTING YOUR THOUGHTS ABOUT K-MART INTO MY BRAIN! MY BRAIN ONLY WANTS TO THINK ABOUT WAL-MART! > I have been reporting victimization by a crime > ring operating in Maple Heights, Ohio, which uses mind > control (in such groups as alt.mindcontrol and > alt.conspiracy). They use mind control in alt.*? Hmm, yet another reason to support Archie Plutonium's "make alt.* disjoint from sci.*" campaign, whatever that may actually mean. > It was a Friday night. I was shopping > past midnight (The store is open 24 hours). "Just not in a row." -- Steven Wright > I could not finish up grocery shopping because thugs attacked > me in the head and digestive tract with the mind control > beam weapon, inducing both vomiting and defecation. Hmm... let me get this straight: 1.) You buy your groceries at K-Mart. 2.) You got sick. Nope, there is no other reason you could have become sick after buying a month-old quart of warm milk and a carton of paleolithic malted milk balls at K-Mart. It *must* be deadly mind control lasers. > I did some aimless driving in neighboring Bedford futilely > trying to evade the signal before collapsing at home > (after several vomiting sessions). They probably just followed the squiggly trail of vomit across your neighborhood. (THIS IS THE WORST "FAMILY CIRCUS" CARTOON EVER!) > These are some of the awful ways torture is enable with > such weapons. The attackers made me sicker than a dog. So, did you eat the same thing dogs eat right after they barf? > That geographical area is heavily black. DING DING DING and we have the point where it becomes pointless to read further! > Sometimes communicants refer to gang membership and some > sort of Mafia-type organization. Seriously, the first time I read that, my brain saw "some sort of Mensa-type organization". Now, it would be a lot easier to imagine Mensa going around torturing bozos (isn't that what Mensa is for?) than to imagine that Mafia had nothing better to do than to trick you into shopping at K-Mart until you puked. > Last night one of them was > communicating verbally about some kind of weird > daughter who had been screwed up. ("She wasn't that > normal but we loved her" was the gist.) They seemed > to have a vendetta. Such people must be disarmed. Then she started talking about buying underwear at a K-Mart in Seattle, and having to watch Wapner. UH-OH! UH-OH! HOT WATER BURN BABY!!!! -- K. Definitely 553 malted milk balls stuck together in the carton, yeah, definitely 553. From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bridging factor in history of science Re: letter to Archimedes Plutonium, 20MAY99 Date: 06 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com (By the way, Dag, please stop using that silly Amiga newsreader program which not only mangles "References:" headers, but also mangles "Subject:" headers. Otherwise I'll tell Bill Clinton that Finland is trying to bring peace to Yugoslavia and then he'll bomb Finland to stop that.) "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, does Finnish TV show any dumb commercials for American cheese? > > No, but Finnish TV shows commericals for the EU parlamentiary > elections, aimed at the hip youth of the 90's. My guess is, it's > directed by the same people who do Mentos commercials. So, are you going to vote for the guy who got into the movie for free by being the only guy in Europe to put on his baseball cap backwards, or are you going to vote for the guy who rolled around in the wet cement on the sidewalk to give his suit perfect pinstripes? Me, I'm going to vote for the woman who has the VW Beetle with the four burly Swedes in the trunk to carry her car around for her. > Also, there's a commerical about a guy getting out of his car, > running off into the wilderness while stripping completely naked, > then running naked through the forrest until he comes to a house > where some guy is barbecueing sausages, and he stops behind some > trees. > > I think the idea is: "This sausage will make insane naked people > stalk you." That reminds me. I still haven't eaten my can of blood pudding soup. The soup that's made by taking liquid blood and putting it inside a solid sausage which is then cut up and put in liquid soup. Could be worse. They could put it in liquid soap. -- K. Doesn't the Johnson Smith catalog sell soap that makes your face bloody? I only have the Archie McPhee kind which just makes your face LOOK bloody. From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: M. Otis Beard... in ACTION! Date: 06 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now, both publications are in the same format (little booklets of the > > same size, and the Sentinel even rotates through different solid-colored > > covers like the Digest did before they had color printing) and both > > are available in about 573 different languages. However, the Christian > > Science Sentinel is *FREE* from that rack outside their Free Bible Exhibit > > (where you can follow a blinking light bulb across a map of the Middle East > > to see where Jesus went) > > Kibology has something similar in all of its bookstores and Reading > Rooms: a huge map of the world with one tiny burned-out LED in Boston, > right above where the sun-faded letters read "Bea on Hi l". > > And every time you open the map, it plays "Roll out the Barrel" from a > teeny tinny speaker hidden under Cambridge. > > The REAL Cambridge, not the one on the map. Oh, rats! He's on to my evil plan. Well, at least he hasn't figured out that I've used my powers of cryptogeological bozosity to re-engineer the "Taos Hum" to hum Benny Hill's theme song. It's part of a grand social experiment to make all the Taosian women run around really fast in lingerie. > [...] > > > Yes, but at least YOU didn't have paradoxical diarrhea. > > That's when the gastroenterologist poops on everyone who doesn't poop on > themselves. Oh dear, the Russell Paradox rears its ugly head, and I already made fun of Sir Bertrand once today. And making fun of Russell twice in one day would be too erudite for alt.religion.kibology, so now I have to talk about poop instead, because The Russell Paradox forces those who want to not talk about poop to talk about poop. (At this point, Kibo's pipe goes "TOOT TOOT!") STACIA, THIS IS YOUR CUE TO YELL "DOOT DOOT!" TO HELP RAISE THE LEVEL OF DISCOURSE IN THIS DISCUSSION OF SYMBOLIC LOGIC. > A closely-related syndrome is Zeno's paradoxical diarrhea, which > occurs when you postulate that your poop isn't really moving: movement > is all in your mind. EWWWW! KIBO HAS POOP ON HIS MIND! If I were to try to make a pun about Joseph Heller's "Catch Number Two" it would be a feeble attempt at a great pun, or a great attempt at a feeble fun, and I am too feeble to attempt such a great attempt at a feeble pun. So, instead, I will mention a TV commercial that set me to wondering: "CHANGE IS BAD. HERSHEY'S. UNCHANGED SINCE 1899." Does anyone else think this is a prelude to: "CHANGE IS BAD. HERSHEY'S. NOW COSTS EXACTLY TWENTY DOLLARS." ? > Never mind all that, though: I just had two dreams that I need > interpreted. > > - NEW FROM MATTEL! "Baby Mayan Sun God!" Every time you want to play > with it, it demands that you sacrifice one of your other toys. BRING ME > THE STILL-BEATING HEART OF TICKLE-ME ELMO! That's not a dream, it's a sad cry for someone to fish your "South Park" spec script from the slush pile at the bottom of Comedy Central. > - I met William Shatner at a beach party. He was wearing a white Elvis- > style jumpsuit with "Hi! I'm William Shatner!" sewn into the breast > pocket in gold thread, just in case you were a complete idiot or > invulnerable to external stimuli. He smoked Marlboro Reds... like a > FIEND. > > By that I do not mean "he smoked as if he were a minion of Satan or some > sort of infernal imp," I mean he smoked a LOT. That's kind of a disappointing dream. I mean, if he had sprouted horns and poked out Ernest Bornine's eyes and then Ernest Borgnine ran around screaming like a girl, and then it started to rain and Howard Duff, Kelly Preston, and Ivan Stang turned to puddles of goo, now that would have been a great dream. Especially if the robots from "Mystery Science 3000" popped up between your eyes and frontal lobe to help you watch it. -- K. THIS IS NOT A REFERENCE TO HIS ESPERANTO FILM, WHICH IS A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN THE ONE I MEAN! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.startrek.vs.starwars From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Spock to die!?! Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 01:51:41 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In article , "utzoo!decvax!cca!Fasnacht.PA@sri-unix" wrote: > Subject: Re: Spock to die!?! > Newsgroups: net.movies > Date: Mon May 10 09:08:17 1982 > > I heard that not Spock, but KIRK dies! They said on TV that at the end of the > movie, Spock hints at the fact that Kirk may not be dead forever. (I think I > heard it right) Yes, I agree. Please forgive the lateness of this reply. -- Whoops, I accidentally typed a "t" for an "m". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Spock to die!?! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 04:22:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "Dr. Weird Beard" (weird_beard@prodigy.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > "utzoo!decvax!cca!Fasnacht.PA@sri-unix" wrote: > > > > > > > > Subject: Re: Spock to die!?! > > > > Newsgroups: net.movies > > > > Date: Mon May 10 09:08:17 1982 > > > > > > > > I heard that not Spock, but KIRK dies! They said on TV that at the > > > > end of the movie, Spock hints at the fact that Kirk may not be dead > > > > forever. (I think I heard it right) > > > > Both have died. Spock has resurrected. We'll have to see about Kirk. PS. > > Look at the date on this message. It's obviously referring to ST2. > > The dancing bears have gone fractal! Streamers everywhere! Bears > as far as the eye can see! Millions of fractal dancing bears > forming Lissajous conga lines on the train track around Moebius > figures, proving that dancing bears only have one surface! > Billions of dancing bears dancing the Macarena and the Lambada, in > Riemannian n-dimensional space mapped over the surface of a torus > flying to the MOOOOOOOOOOON!! I just like the fact that reposting a seven-year-old piece of trollery can still trollerize people... HOW CAN I WORK THE WORDS "SEVEN YEAR OLD" INTO THE REST OF THIS SENTENCE? SAYING THE OBVIOUS IS HARD!!! I'm wondering where he thinks I came across the article that I faithfully reproduced the "Mon May 10 09:08:17 1982" datestamp on. I mean, it has a pre-Internet E-mail address on it. Does he see a lot of seven-year-old articles floating around on Prodigy? HEY I FOUND OUT THE SECRET OF PRODIGY! ALL THEIR E-MAIL REPEATS EVERY SEVEN YEARS! THEY'RE SELLING PEOPLE RERUNS! -- K. The dancing bears need their own TV show. Except Ted Turner would screw it up by adding pro wrestlers to every episode. (Yes, that was an actual 1982 net.movies post.) From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Kooks In Collision! (was: PLUTONIUM INTEGERS) Date: 06 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Followup-To: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.physics,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology In sci.math, sci.physics, alt.sci.physics.new-theories, and sci.physics.relativity, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > Subject: PLUTONIUM INTEGERS Ma! Now Archie's done gone posted under Abian's name! No, wait, it really is Alexander Abian. Weird. Abian seems to have endorsed Plutonium's wacky math -- perhaps this means Archimedes Plutonium will adopt Dr. Abian's wacky astronomy. Naah, the distinguished Mr. Plutonium would never adopt a wacky idea like blowing up the Moon. > [...snipped: a finite amount of blather about infinite strings of digits...] > > But since, as will be remarked later > that arithmetically the beginningless sequence such as > > ..........000000000000001999 will play the role of the integer 1999 With Martin Landau playing the role of Captain Kirk, and Barbara Bain playing the role of Nurse Chapel! Only without the stunning acting ability of Gene Roddenberry's wife! > and motivated by Archimedes Plutonium's earlier introduction of the > present idea we will refer to any beginningless sequence of digits as a > > PLUTONIUM INTEGER And adding or subtracting or multiplying or dividing them will be a PLUTONIUM OPERATION, or a PuOP for short. PuOP! PuOP! PuOP! I WILL PAY ALL THE LEGITIMATE SCIENTISTS IN THE WORLD A DOLLAR EACH IF THEY UNANIMOUSLY VOTE TO PETITION THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND TO PUT "PuOP" INTO THE ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA. (Just don't tell her that Archie Plutonium has declared that her country is a peninsula. The big question is, a peninsula of WHAT? Ireland? Europe? McDonaldland?) > The major significance of Plutonium integers lie in the fact that in > Plutonium arithmetic (2) and (5) will not have the same value > and thus, for the first time there will be continuum many infinite > integers (none being an ordinal number) > > PLUTONIUM ARITHMETIC > > To develop the arithmetic of Plutonium integers the very first > step is to define the addition and multiplication of two > Plutonium integer. PuOP! PuOP! PuOP! > For the sake of brevity I will let "ap" stand for "Archimedes Plutonium" No, in Plutonium Arithmentic you have to call him ".........apapapapapapapap". Please fix your horrendous mistake, otherwise we will never be able to perform PuOPs on Archimedes Plutonium. > So in order to define addition of two ap-integers one has to define > the process of how to determine the precise digit at any decimal point > of the sum of the given two ap-integers based on their represent- > ations: Hey, how do the "ap-integers" correspond to those numbers made up five years ago by LUDWIG plutonium? Would those be lp-integers, which would be made obsolete by cd-integers? Would lp-integers not freeze-frame as well as sp-integers and ep-integers in my VCR? > The following example will show the process > > The sum > > (6) .........6984410098 + ......7209876554 > > is defined as follows: add segmentwise based on the ordinary arithmetic > > 8 + 4 = 12 > 98 + 54 = 152 > 098 + 554 = 652 > 0098 + 6554 = 6652 > 10098 + 76554 = 86652 (7) > 410098 + 876554 = 1286652 > 4410098 + 9876554 = 14286652 > 84410098 + 09876554 = 94286652 > .........+ ........ = ........ > > Now, the sum of two ap-integers appearing in (6) is UNAMBIGUOUSLY and > UNIQUELY DEFINED AS an ap-number as follows: > > start with the digit in the first decimal place of the first sum in > the column (7), i.e., 2, then to the left of 2 insert the 2-nd digit > of the second sum appearing in (7), i.e, 5 then to the left of 5 insert > the 3-rd digit of the third sum appearing in (7), i.e., 6, then to the > left of 6 insert the 4-th digit in the forth sum appearing in (7), and > follow the procedure (called DIAGONAL process) to obtain the Plutonium > integer > .....94286652 Wow! You have just invented ORDINARY ADDITION!!! Perhaps you should get out your yellow highlighter (you know, the one that says "Crayola") and draw a circle around the diagonal numbers on your screen so you can look at them more closely. Notice how the first seven numbers in the diagonal are always exactly the same as the seven digits in the seventh row? Provided you lick that fatal flaw about ignoring the carried '1', your method could one day become every bit as good as ordinary addition! > Thus (6) is answered as follows > > (7) ........6984410098 + ......7209876554 = .....94286652 > > The above shows that addition of Plutonium integers is WELL defined > and the corresponding sum is a Plutonium integer. No it doesn't. You added a number with EIGHT dots to a number with SIX dots and got a number with FIVE dots. The number on the right should have had THIRTEEN dots, you bozo! > The process beautifully works for the sum of "ordinary finite > integers" > > Let us find the sum of, say, 67 + 34 > > First Plutoniumize 67 and 34 as: > > ....00000067 and ....00000034 > > Now apply the above procedure > > 7 + 4 = 11 > 67 + 34 = 101 > 067 + 034 = 0101 > 0067 + 0034 = 00101 > ........ + .... = .... > Applying the above diagonal process we obtain > > (8) OOOOOO101 > now,deplutoniumize (8), we obtain 101 and thus as expected in the > usual arithmetic > > (9) 67 + 34 = 101 > > I am too tired and exhausted. Maybe you should buy a calculator. If you already have one, I recommend you go over to the Big Kids department and invest in one that has a plus key that really works. Also, what's the PuOP sum of tired and exhausted? Let's calculate it correctly: d + d = dd ed + ed = eded red + ted = redted ired + sted = iredsted tired + usted = tiredusted (throw away the "exha" part by accident, then to keep things symmetrical also accidentally discard the same number of letters, "tire", from the result) tired + exhausted = dusted "I don't want to sound biblical but it is THE MATTER TO DUST." (Alexander Abian, February 1997) > Multiplication in Plutonium arithmetic an be similarly defined based on > ordinary multiplication of the final finite segments. > > Then Plutonium REAL Numbers can be defined I can't wait for the Imaginary Plutonium Numbers. > as a picture with a decimal point with two infinite sequences of digits > one expanding to the left and the other to the right of the decimal point. What about above and below? What about numbers with two decimal points? What about numbers arranged to make pictures of kitties? > In conclusion PLUTONIUM INTEGERS have well defined arithmetic and > may found some interesting applications. Their pure intellectual > significance is less than their Pure Chewing Satisfaction! > the fact that there are continuum many Plutonium integers > and as stated for example (2) and (5) represent two distinct > Plutonium integers neither being equal to "omega". > > I am exhausted and tired and I leave to Archimedes Plutonium and others > to develop Plutonium integers and real numbers and their arithmetic and > analysis. HOORAY! HE SAID "OTHERS"! I CLAIM ALL THE EVEN PLUTONIUM NUMBERS! ARCHIE CAN HAVE ALL THE ODD ONES! ESPECIALLY THE VERY ODD ONES! > There could be some typos and minor oversights. Yes, you SHOULD have oversight. > Alexander Abian > > -- > ------------------------------------------------------------------------- > ABIAN TIME-MASS EQUIVALENCE FORMULA T = A m^2 in Abian units. > ALTER EARTH'S ORBIT AND TILT TO STOP GLOBAL DISASTERS AND EPIDEMICS. > JOLT THE MOON TO JOLT THE EARTH INTO A SANER ORBIT.ALTER THE SOLAR SYSTEM. > REORBIT VENUS INTO A NEAR EARTH-LIKE ORBIT TO CREATE A BORN AGAIN EARTH(1990) > THERE WAS A BIG SUCK AND DILUTION OF PRIMEVAL MASS INTO THE VOID OF SPACE How can I trust your theories to be accurate when you can't even make your signature symmetrical? -- K. Also, I think there might be something vaguely silly about the term "Big Suck", but I am not sure. Please diagram a Big Suck so that I may ascertain whether or not it is a silly term. P.S. PuOP! PuOP! PuOP! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.theory,sci.math,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Parry on Harvard's Ehrenreich, Feldman, Fisher, Franklin Re: Kooks In Collision Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 02:09:03 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh In sci.psychology.theory, sci.math, sci.physics, posting under someone else's name, Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu wrote: > > In article (kibo-0606990329170001@ppp0b002.std.com) > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > Sender: Matthew J McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) > Approved: sci.physics.research (mmcirvin@world.std.com) > > = Physics Harvard University > = Faculty of the Department of Physics > = Henry Ehrenreich, Clowes Professor of Science > = Gary J. Feldman, Frank B. Baird, Jr. Professor of Science > = Daniel S. Fisher, Professor of Physics and Professor of Applied > Physics > = Melissa Franklin, Professor of Physics > = > = Ma! Now they done gone posted under Ehrenreich's name! That's odd, it didn't say that when I posted it. But I don't mind because you were clever enough to leave in the "(kibo-0606990329170001@ppp0b002.std.com)" Message-ID so that anyone can click on it to see what I actually said. (To save them the trouble, I'll just summarize it below:) +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Archimedes Plutonium is a pinhead who can't even misquote people properly. | +----------------------------------------------------------------------------+ (CLIP & SAVE FOR FUTURE REFERENCE) And you seem to be very confused about which headers do what. Maybe you should try fabricating headers only after someone explains to you that the "From:" and "Sender:" are normally the same person? > [...] After 2 months, MIT says enough of a stalker. But after 6 years, > Parry with his Harvard connections is allowed to continue to stalk. Who is this "Parry" guy at Harvard who's stalking you? And how can he be stalking you from all the way over there in Boston, where you said Harvard was? Tell you what, since I live in Boston, I'll run over to Harvard and give him your message, the next time Harvard moves its campus from Cambridge to Boston. > If ad hominem and stalking are forbidden [...] WOOOOOOO!!!! I USED AN AD HOMINEM!!!!!! IN PUBLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT, MAYBE I'LL USE SARCASM!!! OR MAYBE I WON'T! BECAUSE I WOULD *NEVER* USE SARCASM! 'S'ok, I can prove in a court of law that you're a pinhead. Your honor, I'd like to enter this balloon as evidence... now, Mr. Plutonium -- if that IS your real name -- please touch the balloon to the top of your head... -- K. Of course, that demonstration could go horribly wrong if his head explodes and not the balloon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.theory,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SCTV & Canadian College Bowl Dating Game; uvic versus SUNY Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 03:33:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.chem and sci.psychology.theory, Roman A Kresinski (r.a.kresinski@staffs.ac.uk) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > [re the sagacious Uncle Al] > > > > Everyone at Univ of Victoria will have heard of me, more than they will > > have heard of Uncle Al. > > Yes, mention a name like Anideos Magnus, or Synchisios Skepticus, or just > Bozo and *everybody* will know who you're talking about. And just think, they used to laugh at Bozo! -- K. I wish I used to be as funny as Bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.cond-matter,sci.math,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ironies imply God's existence Re: PLUTONIUM INTEGERS Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 02:19:08 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.cond-matter, sci.math, sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > > > If you can do that, the beauty of your construction would then be to > > visualize all of the P-ADIC NUMBERS at once. The mind can picture Reals > > at once and geometrically, and that is perhaps the greatest beauty of > > the Reals, to be able to picture them geometrically, but with the > > p-adics, no-one can picture them geometrically. Karl Heuer, about 5 > > years ago said the p-adics are more like a tree. But I find that > > unsatisfactory. The best I can come up with so far as to picturing the > > P-ADICS is that of nested balls, or balls inside of balls. Smaller > > balls inside of bigger balls. But that is only a hunch and perhaps > > wrong. Yeah, maybe you've got it backwards. Try putting the bigger balls on the inside of the smaller balls. It should be easy if they let you have Nerf balls in there, although I don't know, maybe even those are sharper than you're allowed to play with. > > [...] > > > > Let me give the name INFINITE INTEGERS to all of these construction > > schemes. Thus, p-adics are Infinite Integers, and so are Plutonium > > Integers. > > > > Question, do the p-adics have the greatest mathematical content of > > any Infinite Integers? Question, if the Infinite Integers include Plutonium Integers and all other construction schemes, does that mean they include Lego Integers? Boron Integers? Duct-Tape Integers? Zinc Integers? Incorrect Integers? > Irony and the occurrence of ironies is perhaps the very best > indication of a God, a superintelligence far above the intelligence of > humanity. Do you mean dramatic irony or comedic irony? I think the existence of dramatic irony just proves that God skipped head to the last page of the book to see who the murderer was. The presence of comedic irony proves that God is A WACKY CHIMP! > I remember reading philosophy articles by philosophers and > logicians giving their arguments for the existence of a God, none of > which are convincing. However, the existence of ironies and > coincidences are too common and too frequent. A case in point is this > thread. WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN, COINCIDENTCES ARE TOO COMMON AND TOO FREQUENT! BAN ALL COINCIDENCES FOREVER! > Karl Heuer back in 1993-4 suggested that the p-adics are > geometrically described as a "tree". I never liked that description. > And although I have not proved it, I intuit that the p-adics are > geometrically nested sphere surfaces or ellipses. P-adics are > Riemannian geometry in other words. Ah, so you also have the hierarchical filesystem of your Mac set up as a series of ellipsoids rather than as a tree. So, Arch, on your map of the world that shows England as a peninsula, did you represent the countries as nested ellipsoids or as spirals? > Well, the irony occurred last night shortly after I typed in the > above reply to Abian. The irony I had after writing the conic section > system You misspelled "comic section system". Hope this helps. I know you didn't mean "conic section system" because I think someone else already invented parabolas. I think it was back in the seventies because they didn't have parabolas when Chuck Jones was drawing those Road Runner cartoons. > asking Abian for a reference, is that I wrote that p-adics are > nested balls. > > Would it not be ironic, very ironic that when this entire subject or > subjects are settled in the future, say a couple centuries in the > future. That the p-adics when described geometrically are not nested > balls but rather are conic section systems!!! > > In other words, God, 231Pu, brought Abian to post that, and for me to > reply as such in order for God to bring together the idea that the > p-adics are geometrically the conic sections And God sent me here because you need a hug. *HUG* ON BEHALF OF GOD, I LUV U! -- K. Eww, now there's slime all over my arms. Tell God to hug Archie himself next time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kooks In Collision! (was: PLUTONIUM INTEGERS) Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 02:24:19 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp John R Ramsden (jr@redmink.demon.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In sci.math, sci.physics, alt.sci.physics.new-theories, and > > sci.physics.relativity, Alexander Abian (abian@iastate.edu) wrote: > > > > > > Subject: PLUTONIUM INTEGERS > > After all of Kibo's brilliant () commentaries on AP's > contributions to science, I can't believe he'd forget the elementary > rule that brevity is the soul of wit. Wait... why are you mistaking all my important and serious contributions to the world of mathematics for wit? THIS IS SCIENCE, NOT WIT! I DEMAND YOU GIVE ME THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR NOT BEING WITTY! > So with his new-found expertise in Abian-Plutonium arithmetic, and the > detailed analysis posted on sci.math, it can only be a matter of time > before he publishes the definitive volume on the subject.. I don't think the merits of the theories of Abian and Plutonium combined would fill a volume. Maybe a surface or an edge. -- K. I would've said "a point" but I think it would be hard to fit "WE MUST BLOW UP" THE MOON" and "THE UNIVERSE IS A GIANT PLUTONIUM ATOM" into a single bit. I'd need at least two bits to represent "WRONG, WRONG". From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sorry...Beacon Hill Boston Date: 06 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Karlo Takki (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > M -- Mattapan > > If this were "Zippy the Pinhead", I'd be tempted to exclaim: > > "ASHMONT-MATTAPAN HIGH SPEED LINE!" > "ASHMONT-MATTAPAN HIGH SPEED LINE!" > "ASHMONT-MATTAPAN HIGH SPEED LINE!" > > (Which is also haunted because it travels through an Indian > Burial Ground.) For those not in the know, The south half of Boston's Red Line (on the MBTA's subway) splits into "A" (Ashmont) and "B" (Braintree) branches. YES, THERE IS A SUBURB NAMED AFTER A TREE WITH HUMAN BRAINS ALL OVER IT. Anyway, when the line ends at Ashmont, you can board an extension of the Red Line which goes from Ashmont to Mattapan, which is called "The Ashmont-Mattapan High Speed Trolley Line", except that it's real slow because it's actually made from the thirty-year-old Green Line cars. It's the only place where you can see subway cars painted standard MBTA green, even though it's on the Red Line, because most of the newest Green Line cars (the Kinki ones -- yes, Kinki) are painted "Atlanta Mint" because although the MBTA can afford to have trolley cars custom-designed (you really have to) they couldn't afford an extra $20 to have them mix up the right color of paint for the Green Line and so they just bought surplus from ATLANTA, fer chrissakes. The current Green Line trains (the mint-flavored ones) are made by Kinki (aka Kinkisharyo), the previous ones (which mainly run on the branches I don't live on) were made by Boeing, and the really ancient Green Line cars on the Red Line's "high speed" portion I don't know about. The brand new ones which are so new that they don't exist yet are being made by Breda to have special lower floors so that if you're in a wheelchair you can get off the train without falling on your face. I saw a bus the other week whose destination sign was lit up "NIVERSIDE". That's where Peter Pan lives in an abandoned Green Line train that hit a Peter Pan bus. > But this isn't "Zippy the Pinhead". It's "Family Circus" and > Archimedes Plutonium is Dead Grampa. > > > MOMMY, WHY DOES YOUR NOSE ALWAYS BLEED WHEN I'M HAPPY? > > "That's not Mommy's nose, dear." I think I would do a good job writing "The Family Circus". My jokes would be just as lame as Bil Keane's, but nerdier and therefore more erudite. Witness one I thunk up: (Daddy and Mommy and Billy and Dolly are in the car. Billy points out the window at an "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" sign.) BILLY: "Look, Daddy, a Web site!" (CUE LAUGH TRACK AND DEAD GRANDPARENTS) -- K. Also, Karlo, I've noticed that Logan Airport's security is more lax on weekends. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sorry...Beacon Hill Boston Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 02:30:56 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Bill Newcomb (nuke@best.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re Boston light rail lines] > > > > X -- Instruction Car (sometimes followed by the Data Cdr*) > > And if you do something illegal, they will spoil defun and put you in > a cell with cons. > > > * OH NO I MADE A LISP JOKE THAT PEOPLE WILL THINK IS A STAR TREK JOKE! > > LIEK IN THE MATRICKS WHEN THE KID SEZ THERE IS NO SPOOON ITS FUNNY CUZ > ITS A UENICHS SYSTEM AND THAY ONLY HAVE FORKS!!!1 HAR HAR!!!! Or like how in "Sneakers" when they're hacking into the super-cool government computer that runs the world they do it with an Atari 830 acoustic modem capable of going up to 300 baud when everyone else on the block is real quiet! And then that kid from "E.T." goes into the video game store that's selling Atari 5200 "Tempest" cartridges just to trick Nick Bensema into watching the lame Dabney Coleman movie to see what 5200 "Tempest" would look like if it had actually existed! And then Jeff Minter makes "Tempest" Y2K-compliant! -- K. Here's a bad standup comedian doing an impression of Cagney: JU-DY, JU-DY, JU-DY, JU-DY, JU-DY, JU-DY! And here's a bad standup comedian doing an impression of LISP: (((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sorry...Beacon Hill Boston Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 02:43:31 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > X -- Instruction Car (sometimes followed by the Data Cdr*) > > welcome data WINDOWS 98 cdr* comp > > > * OH NO I MADE A LISP JOKE THAT PEOPLE WILL THINK IS A STAR TREK JOKE! > > No no no. I thought it was a keyboard peculiarities joke. [Guess I don't > count as "people" any more...] Sorry, Dave. To make it up to you, at the September 1999 Alt.Religion.Kibology Quasi-Party Event, I will bring the actual "WELCOME DATACOMP" keyboard and plug it into a Mac so that people can actually experience the thrill of waiting for it not to do anything interesting. I've had it for over a year now and it still hasn't done its trick. (Maybe I should hook it up to something.) Last time I tried it, it DID tend to spit out some "^P"s every few hours, but no "welcome datacomp"s. Speaking of which, "welcome datacomp" is still showing up in interesting places on the Web: > In The West > > In the West, water flows uphill > Leaping across the Tehachapi Mountains > To fill the mouth of the City of Angels. > In the West, the streams serve us > Captured and prisoned, in tunnels, > in siphons and aqueducts > Bleeding into our irrigated lands. > welcome datacomp > In the West, once the rivers' voices > Coaxed the salmon, surging thick > against the current > Lured the antelope and bison herds > to their banks. > Now there is silence. ...in many cases it's hard to tell whether the wacky keyboard inserted it, or whether they were actually using it to be hip ("welcome datacomp" is the cool new catchphrase for the nineties!) but either way, I like it. Plus it rhymes with "lands". -- K. Coming soon from Sanrio: HELLO DATACOMP! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Am I being stalked by a Kibologist? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 04:35:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Martin Crisp (Spam.Bucket@tesseract.com.au) wrote: > I think your E-mail address might be a trademark infringement of the Colonel's "Bucket'O'Spam". > Yesterday I received a pseudo-spam advertising toilet to toilet/bidet > conversions. > Cute. How rude of them. I hope you wrote them a nice letter explaining to them that you have a bucket, not a toilet! > Today I enter the washroom at work and on the back of each of the stall > doors in 18pt, bold Times New Roman is a sign: > > "IF YOU ARE GOING TO SPLATTER THE TOILET BOWL, CLEAN IT > UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 > > DON'T LEAVE IT FOR THE CLEANERS _/OR/_ YOUR FELLOW WORKERS" Yay! It's nice to be told it's okay to splatter under limited circumstances. "Maybe if we comply with the sign for a while, they'll give us more freedom, and they'll let us splatter under more circumstances!" Also, they didn't mention all the non-toilet-bowl objects in the room that COULD be splattered. > a) I always clean the bowl before I splatter it > b) But mother always told me to share Why don't you just flush it? Or do you Aussies say "bowl" where we say "seat"? If so, what do you call what we call the bowl? And what do you call candle-pin bowling? And why does anyone like candle-pin bowling? > Just thought you should make the next sign more accurate. I'm sure the management will print out your suggestion and pass it on to the proper authorities, via the pipeline. Unless they use that new flush- proof paper. Remeber the dark red non-Xeroxable paper used for corporate paranoia in the 1980s? (The original release of the "SimCity" game, circa 1988, had a page of passwords printed on it.) And you know that Tyvek tear-proof paper that you can't rip up no matter how much you hate it? Well, they've just developed flush-proof paper. It can't be flushed, it can't be thrown into a wastebasket, and it can't even be thrown out the window. In fact, you can't even leave it on someone else's desk. The secret? Every page of blank paper is individually packaged at the center of a five-gallon tub of Krazy Glue. KRAZY GLUE, THE SOLUTION TO ALL LIFE'S PROBLEMS! > Have Fun > Martin > -- > (Spam.Bucket@tesseract.com.au) is a valid address I would think that spam would fall out of a tesseract, as blocks of Spam are only three-dimensional. You'd have blocks of Spam landing in the middle of the Joshua Tree National Forest. And then Robert Heinlein would make a "Gargantua" reference, and I would make a Heinlein reference, unless he wrote that story under his pen name, "Anson McPotsie". -- K. Gharlane will now correct me: It should be Anson MacPotsie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Am I being stalked by a Kibologist? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 04:43:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Martin Crisp (Spam.Bucket@tesseract.com.au) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > [offer of a new, improved sign with even more ugly typography] > > > > And I'll laminate it so the ink doesn't run when you splatter > > all over the bathroom. > > That would be wise, I'm planning a *really* hot curry soon. All I can say is, be sure to wear clothes that cover your belly button. > (I'm in sysadmin, I've got to be horrible to my lusers somehow) Hey! Are you paying them to stalk-accusation-bomb me because of your connections to Harvard, NASA, AOL, and The University Of Champagne At Urbana? It's beccause of people like you that Pythagoras never proved the Theory of Relativity before that bozo Einstein stole all the credit and my slippers too! > Is it a bad sign if your left arm goes numb and you get nosebleeds while > eating spicy food? Just asking, fortunately the nosebleed thing has only > happened once, luckily missing the chili con carne I was eating at the > time, or I wouldn't noticed and would have become an auto-vampire. That's easy to prevent. You should stop putting hot chili up your nose. -- K. And start putting it up other people's. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: ACK! TV! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 04:44:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Hey, Channel 4 just told me that there's a clock counting down to the year 2000 *EXCLUSIVELY* on that channel. How dumb are we this millennium? And will we get a whole millennium dumber next year? ACK! ACK! JAY LENO IS HOLDING UP A PHOTO OF THE JAR JAR BINKS MONSTER MOUTH TONGUE CANDY! -- K. From now on, I'm only buying Monster Mouth Tongue Candy that's NOT shaped like Jar Jar Binks! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Comic Book Writer Paul Newman Dies Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 05:37:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > COLUMBIA, Md. (AP) -- Paul S. Newman, who was so prolific a > comic-book writer that he got listed in the Guinness Book of World > Records, has died. He was 75. > The cause of Newman's death May 30 was a heart attack, according > to Newman's son, Peter. > Newman wrote scripts for Superman, Mighty Mouse, The Lone Ranger > and Jungle Jim comic books, among others. Oh no! What's going to happen to his popcorn empire? Did he ever do anything else besides drawing comic books and making popcorn? > Newman was born in Manhattan in 1924 and enrolled at Dartmouth > College. He served in World War II. He hoped to be a playwright, > but he found he could make a living writing stories for comic books. You gotta admit it's better than washing dishes. -- K. To combine the best of both worlds, there should be a comic book about Super Dishwasher. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Team Kibo now exists at SETI@home Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 07:04:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ackthp@my-deja.com, who forgot to give a name, wrote: > > Karlo Takki (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > > > Hint: setting the display to blank after x minutes speeds up > > the process 200-300%. > > No! That makes EnergyStar monitors go yellow. After going yellow 10000 > times, they go blue, releasing the stored-up energy in an explosion. > Unused NT/95 machines show bouncing login prompts to protect us against > the Luddites of the EPA. Last week I discovered that my Kodak digital camera has a screensaver. If left in "Review" ("look at photos") mode for more than a couple minutes, it starts bouncing a tiny version of one of my photos around the screen in typical Pointless Windows Screensaver Fashion. Now, when in "Capture" ("take pictures") mode, if left unattended, the camera turns itself off, as the instructions say it should. The screen saver in "Review" mode is not only pointless (why not just turn off the camera? Or what if I wanted to look at a photo for a while?) but came as a complete, horrifying, surprise. Fortunately my Sony camera arrived the same night and now I don't have to put up with that sort of thing -- Sony doesn't know the meaning of the word "screensaver". Or "human interface". Also, the Sony camera makes the old (circa-1984) Macintosh "DONG!" noise when I switch it on, and it writes bad HTML. Points in the Kodak's favor: It has red-eye reduction, which I never use anyway, and the human interface is nicer -- you have a few seconds of grace after shooting each picture so that you can delete it before it's saved, and you can enlarge and scroll around the pictures as you're reviewing them. Also it's real small. Points in the Sony's favor: It's real big (less shaky), it goes faster (still no burst mode though), and the reason I bought it, a whopping by 14x optical zoom lens (which can also hold focus on objects which are TOUCHING the lens. I bought it after I saw a photo of ants walking on the lens of some guy's Sony.) In other words, I bought a new camera because Sean Smith complained that I was having trouble keeping the face of Tiny Plastic Erik Estrada in focus. I think the Kodak's picture quality was technically better -- the images were slightly higher-rez (1152 across versus 1024), the JPEG compression was significantly less "artifacty", and it doesn't over-sharpen as much -- but because the Sony has a big zoom lens and can do extreme close-ups, I can get photos of things at a larger size than the Kodak camera, even though the Kodak's images are better-looking as a whole. The Kodak is best suited for "regular" photography (people, pets, trees, mountains) while the Sony is great for the sorts of things I do (signs with funny lettering photographed from a moving bus, faces of creepy action figures, sushi-shaped lollipops, and someday maybe ants walking on the lens.) The Kodak is better for clandestine use in some ways (it's tiny and it takes Compact Flash media, i.e. a card the size of a poker chip holds over a hundred high-rez images) so now I have to get used to carrying around the big Sony (which is about the size of a Land camera and takes floppy disck. LOTS of floppy discs -- about eight photos will fill up a disk, ONE photo if in uncompressed mode to eliminate all artifacting.) But the Kodak is relatively noisy (the zoom lens goes 'rrrr') so I don't know which will actually attract less attention from passersby who look at me and giggle, "LOOK, THAT BOZO IS TAKING PHOTOS OF A BUMPER STICKER!" or "HEY, WHAT THE F ARE YOU DOING TO MY CAR?" (The Sony also has a pivoting screen so that instead of holding the camera in front of my face, I can hold it at waist level or in my lap while looking down at the screen, which attracts a lot less attention. This sort of thing is important to me because I take a lot of photos in places that disallow photography, such as Toys R Us.) Oh, the Sony does movies (.mpg) and audio as well, but who cares? If I wanted to do that, I'd carry around a real video camera, not something that uses floppy disks. And the Kodak has one feature I don't think Sony considered offerring: It can put a goofy frame around your photo BEFORE your photo leaves the camera, in case you're not smart enough to figure out how to use Photoshop. That way you can pretend you're at the broken Photo Sticker booth at Toys R Us. (The camera isn't as typographically egregious as the booth with the mutant German font, though -- but it does display everything in Dom Casual.) So, now I've got two good cameras, but the Sony's much better for what I want to do (the Kodak might be better for a normal human) so now I just gotta find a buyer for a used Kodak DC210 Plus. The problem is, I carry my Sony with my everywhere I go (as I did with the Kodak) so the moment I'm trying to sell the Kodak to someone, they'll see the big Sony and decide they want one of those instead. -- K. Hey Leah, you wanna buy a DC210 Plus to match Tom's? I'll throw in ten pounds of batteries. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PARIS--DESTROYED Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 07:12:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I'd just like to mention that in an upcoming Fantastic Four comic, Paris will > be destroyed. Cool! Does the comic book at least have a bigger budget than Roger Corman's "Fantastic Four" movie did? That sure sucked. Of course, it didn't have Patrick Stewart in it like the "X-Men" movie will, but that's no excuse -- I'm sure the "X-Men" movie will find a way to suck in spite of Patrick Stewart, if not because of Patrick Stewart. Also, the comic book has to show a panel where Jackie Cooper is sitting at home watching himself starring in "Superman II" on HBO 3 at 4 for a fifth time, and he's just gotten to the scene where he's laying out the "PARIS DESTROYED" headline on the front page when the real Jackie Cooper's old-tyme cathedral radio turns itself on and says, "WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS GENERIC DANCE BEAT TO INFORM YOU THAT PARIS JUST BLEW UP, FOR REAL! ALSO EVERYONE WHO WAS IN THE 'OUR GANG' SHORTS IS TO BE EXECUTED BECAUSE ALL FORMER CHILD STARS ARE DANGEROUS! THAT IS ALL!" and then when he looks back at the TV screen, Ronny Cox, Patrick Stewart, and Nicholas Cage are starring in "People Who Shouldn't Be In Movies Based On Comic Books: The Movie". -- K. Then Sam J. Jones changes his torn T-shirt again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Guide evil Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 8 Jun 1999 07:16:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > According to TV Guide, a pullout mini-poster that names characters in the > Star Wars movies is a must have. > > I certainly agree. Without that poster I wouldn't know the names to ANY of > the characters. I just like that it's a "mini-poster", i.e. it's smaller than a regular sheet of notebook paper. AND THE CARDBOARD BOX THE POSTERS WERE SHIPPED IN? IT TRANSFORMS INTO YOUR NEW MINI-PALACE! -- K. My bed's a four-sheet mini-poster. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Guide evil Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 04:15:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > According to TV Guide, a pullout mini-poster that names characters in the > > > Star Wars movies is a must have. > > > > I just like that it's a "mini-poster", i.e. it's smaller than a regular > > sheet of notebook paper. > > I'm beginning to think it's not such a bad thing that kids at my old > high school no longer have any lockers. HEY! HEY HEY HEY! KNOW WHAT KIND OF DISGUSTING CANDY KIDS ACTUALLY LIKED IN GRANDPA'S DAY BACK WHEN THEY HAD LOCKERS? LOCKERICE!!!! > On the other hand, yeah it does suck that there are no lockers there. > > Or is it worse that there are still lockers on TV, even though > no schools have lockers anymore? > > Perhaps the abhorrent thing is that I've caught enough glimpses of > teen TV to know that hallway sets come with giant full-length > lockers that one could theoretically stuff a freshman into, when > in real high school we got four rows of lockers and a few sorry > bastards had to get down on their knees and open the locker on the > bottom row. > > No. It's ultimately barbaric that students of Cortez High School > are growing up without knowing how to work a combination lock. And they're also being deprived of the fun of dipping the girls' pigtails in the inkwells, having to stay after class to clap the erasers for six hours to clean them, or being made to wear a "DUNCE" cap while holding fifteen pounds of phrenology textbooks on their outstretched arms for six hours. I think there should be a move where a guy gets shoved into a locker and he gets revenge by pushing the jock into a swimming pool at a society party so that the butler can see it and yell "HOLY SHIT!" and then the tennis-ball machine goes haywire and shoots him in the crotch and a burning fruit cart knocks over a hay wagon while the rapist is sticking his hand in through the car window and the woman is BRAINY enough to push in the cigarette lighter and stick around for a minute so she can burn his hand. Unless, of course, you tell me that cars don't usually have working cigarette lighters any more, in which case I'm gonna dunk you in a pool filled with ink. -- K. Or a mixture of alum and camphor. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Parry on Harvard's Bershadsky and Coleman Re: Bridging factor in history of science Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 03:39:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu, "Dr. Et Al" (dr_et_al@yahoo.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I would have chosen Perdue because of the "P" in >their pool. > > Not only do we have "P" in our pool, we have "U" in between "R" "P"... > very not "E"; of you. Not you, you big silly. I meant the school where the boneless chickens go to marinate in tasty, tasty flavor. Mmm, chicken so good you could eat it raw. -- K. Of course, Tyson is taking on Perdue with their clever new slogan, "WE'RE MAKING IT EASIER TO PICK UP THE PIECES". At Tyson, our chicken goes right to your table from our factory floor! Be sure to brush the lint off. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Volate a New York City!!!!!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 9 Jun 1999 04:30:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.america.online (an all-spam newsgroup), "News" (mail@newyorkcity.com) advertised: > > Subject: Volate a New York City!!!!!!! I would love to violate New York City. What exactly would that involve? Walking from one end of Manhattan to the other WITHOUT giving anyone the finger? > Se la vostra passione la Grande Mela, non potete non visitare questo sito, > il primo sito italiano interamente dedicato a New York City.... > Cosa state aspettando? L'indirizzo questo http://fly.to/NewYorkCity, e > sarete subito catapultati prprio sulle braccia della Statua della Libert!!! > Il sito ricco di foto, informazioni utili quali alberghi, locali, bar, > pub, ristoranti, mezzi di locomozione, e poi avrete la possibilit di > iscrivervi al Club degli Amici di New York per essere sempre aggiornati di > tutte le novit!!!! > Ma cosa ci fate ancora qui? > Volate con me a New York City...... http://fly.to/NewYorkCity > Per informazioni scrivete a: mail@newyorkcity.com > V I A S P E T T O ! ! ! ! ! > ! B U 0 N G 1 0 R N 0 , B 1 F F F 1 S S S1M0!!!!!!!! -- K. P.S. So much spam could be wiped out if we just nuked Tonga. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jar Jar must NOT die! (Yet) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 04:08:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mike Jittlov (jittlov@1stnetusa.com) wrote: > > No-No-NO!! Jar Jar must NOT die!! > > Not yet, anyway. > > Don't mess with George's story-telling, people! He has it > all planned out! Look, if you think Jar Jar Binks got on > *your* nerves -- in just a few hours -- then imagine how > he's going to affect young Darth Vader, who has to endure > Jar Jar's antics for the next few *decades* of his story! > > I mean.. Did you see *any* Gungans in Star Wars 4, 5, or 6? > Well, GUESS WHY!! > > *SPOILER ALERT!* *SPOILER ALERT!* *SPOILER ALERT!* > (So don't read below this line!) > > Major Plot Point: through a series of humorous but tragic > accidents in Star Wars 2 and 3, that lovable amphibian will > progressively and inadvertantly cost Vader his epidermis and > most of his favorite organs, I don't know, I just can't imagine anyone being entertained by the idea of someone getting massive diarrhea from a lollipop, even Darth Vader. > before Jar Jar Binks himself is spectacularly obliterated in a manner > guaranteeing action figure and computer gaming immortality. It's called "retconning". It's sort of like if, after "Happy Days", they went back and made a first season and put in this "Chuck Cunningham" who came out so badly that then they decided to never again acknowledge that there WAS a first season. Plus, I think they should replace Jar Jar with Potsie. Potsie is a lot less pathetic. -- K. DEAR POTSIE, PLEASE BE MY FRIEND. [five minutes later] DEAR POTSIE, PLEASE IGNORE PREVIOUS LETTER. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jar Jar must NOT die! (Yet) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 05:46:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Plus, I think they should replace Jar Jar with Potsie. > > Potsie is a lot less pathetic. > > Richie and the Fonz were based on Ron Howard and Paul LeMat's characters > in Lucas's American Graffiti, who also inspired Luke and Han in Star Wars. > > So Han Solo IS the Fonz. No, no, no. Richie Cunningham was based on Ron Howard's character in "Love, American Style: Love And The Happy Day", in which THERE WAS NO FONZ. THERE WAS NO FONZ!!!!!!! But Anson Williams was in "Love And The Happy Day", and I don't recall a Potsie in "American Graffiti". Or "THX-1138". But I could be wrong. Donald Pleasence was sort of Potsie-ish. I mean, he hit on Robert Duvall! Also, Harrison Ford has a master's degree from Harvard, while Fonzie went to Emerson (and later to a real college) and I know because I had Fonzie's old dorm room. I WAS A NERD BEFORE THAT! THANK YOU, FONZIE! -- K. Other famous Emersonians: Jay Leno Vin diBona (producer, "American's Funniest...") Norman Lear Richard Dysart Steven Wright (dropped out) Spaulding Gray Mike Bent (Boy Scientist) NOTE THAT NONE OF THE WOMEN WHO WENT TO EMERSON BECAME FAMOUS! This is because they didn't do well in school because, hey, they didn't have time to study with Fonzie around. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Great. Now I care about fonts. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 04:52:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor HEY, TEG, I'M STILL MORE PEDANTIC THAN YOU. Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > So, I never used to care about fonts. In high school and college > I just used Courier all the time. Courier is NOT a font. Courier is THE LACK OF A FONT. Like Braille or Morse code. Courier is used when you want to communicate a message without it even looking boring. Courier is invisible, even when it's eight feet high and blinking on and off. Courier is the font that looks like it's made of neutrinos. > But then I started reading Kibology. Now, four years later, > I've been exposed to enough of Kibo violently ranting about fonts > that it seems to have rubbed off on me. > > I didn't realize this until last night, when my gf and I were > trying to agree on a font for our wedding invitations. I was > prepared to go with one of those traditional pussy-script fonts, > although I would've preferred Copperplate Bold, or even CAC > Sexon Bold. I did not, however, expect to get Parisian as a > serious suggestion. > > After some negotiating ("You've gotta be FUCKING JOKING, right? > Parisian??!???" "You sound like I just suggested that we kill and > eat a child.") we settled on Caslin Openface, bold italic. It > looks OK. You misspelled "Caslon Openface", and it's not actually a Caslon, it's a Cochin (it's an American imitation of Moreau-Le-Jeune, based on the lettering in one Cochin's engravings -- so was Goudy Openface.) They just called it "Caslon" to make it sell better because everything had to be named "Caslon" in those days to make it sell better. I.e. "Caslon Antique" (ATF) was originally called "Fifteenth Century" (Barnhart Brothers & Spindler). "Caslon Graphique" was originally called "WHAT THE BLEEDING CAPITAL F IS THAT ABOMINATION?". Also, Caslon Openface doesn't have a bold or an italic, and certainly not a bold italic. I seriously question your sanity if you're trying to produce a synthetic bold (smeared) version of an _open face_ font. Maybe you should just go with Futura Black. It's the font where nobody will be able to tell if you try to make it bolder, and so nobody would make fun of your taste in typography if you used Futura Black on your wedding invitations. (Consider Linotype Cochin -- the Matthew Carter version, available in four styles from Adobe and six styles from Bitstream [Engravers Oldstyle 205] -- if you want a text face to match Caslon Openface, and it has a REAL boldface and a REAL italic with lots of girlie curlies for your invites. You know it's hip 'cause Rolling Stone used to use it.) > Anyway, point #1: No longer can I think of Kibology as just some > silly internet-thing that doesn't affect me. Now, thanks to > Kibology, I talk about fonts with the same emphasis and seriousness > as AIDS treatments. > > Point #2: Parisian SUCKS, right? NO ONE would EVER use Parisian > for ANYTHING, EVER, right? Ok, maybe if Hitler were to write a > letter to an Israeli newspaper, he'd use Parisian just for extra > irritant value, but otherwise NEVER would this font be used, right? What's wrong with Parisian? Morris Benton was really good at those Art Deco fonts, and the good versions of Parisian (such as the Bitstream one) would make nice elegant wedding-invitation fonts. It's a very tuxedoy font, although I think I prefer Bernhard Fashion for that sort of look. (A look which I never need because I don't do wedding invitations, but I don't think you could go wrong with Parisian on one of them, if used sparingly. Don't set the driving directions in it.) Beware of the Adobe version -- they rounded the corners off a little too much (the Bitstream one has sharper corners than I recall the metal type having, which is fine by me, but the Adobe one is all blurry. Properly digitized, it would look sort of between the two. I haven't examined the Agfa version.) And, especially avoid the Intertype version if you're using a fake Linotype slug-caster in your basement. Other great Art Deco elegancies by Morris Benton include Chic (also extra- light), Broadway (heavy), Novel Gothic (very heavy), and more. He also did Art Noveau (Hobo, Souvenir), sans-serifs (News Gothic, Franklin Gothic, Alternate Gothic), romans (ATF Garamond, Bodoni, Baskerville, Bulmer, Cloister, Clearface, a dozen Century styles, a zillion Caslons, and most of the styles of Cheltenham and Goudy Old Style), script faces (Typo Script etc.) and blackletters (Wedding Text etc.). HEY, MAYBE WEDDING TEXT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR INVITATION. IT'S GOT "WEDDING" IN ITS NAME. YOU KNOW, IF COOPER BLACK IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR COOPER TIRES, THEN WEDDING TEXT IS RIGHT FOR YOU. He drew Cloister Open Face (which you can get from Bitstream), which I think looks better than Caslon Open Face (it's not as mechanical, and it doesn't have the weird lowercase "a" and "e".) You could match it very nicely to any other Venetian, such as Centaur or Adobe Jenson MM. -- K. I think the only guy to have drawn more typefaces than Morris Benton is Ed Benguiat -- Goudy and Zapf have each done about 100, M. Benton did 200, and Benguiat is over 600. (He drew most of them on film, which makes it easier in some ways.) Morris Benton's father, Linn Boyd Benton, invented two machines which made commercial type design a profession which involved no painful carving, but then 90 years later computers came along and ruined it all. Also, I don't know what font Morris Benton used on his wedding invitations, but I'll wager Goudy didn't attend. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Great. Now I care about fonts. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 06:28:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > It's a very tuxedoy font, although I think I prefer Bernhard Fashion > > > for that sort of look. (A look which I never need because I don't do > > > wedding invitations, but I don't think you could go wrong with > > > Parisian on one of them, if used sparingly. Don't set the driving > > > directions in it.) > > > > Sooooo...What you're saying is that you didn't send out any invites > > when you Ms. Bain tied the knot? Just some kind of elopement, was that > > it? So now she has no sort of momento of your time together. > > Well, I hate to make everyone jealous, but Kibo and Mrs Kibo did indeed > send out invitations. I guess I was one of the few lucky enough to get > one. What Kibo meant here was the he doesn't do the invitations himself. > Rather, in a remarkably clever idea, he took a box of old Winnie the Pooh > valentines and sent them to a local first grade class, along with some > orange and green glitter (the colors of their wedding) and some crayons, > and had the children decorate invitations for them. It was unendingly > cute, even when one boy insisted on "storing" the invitations he'd made > down the front of his pants. But we all know Kibo and his tough love; > two hours and one well-intentioned threat of sending the kid "back to > heaven" later, the invitations were saved. > My invitation had Piglet's head covered in mayonaisse with a Ben > Franklin "pipe-cleaner" bee stuck on top. I just want to know if, in another fifty years, they'll redesign American currency again to make Ben Franklin even bigger and angrier. I figure that around 2150 A.D. -- when Judge Dredd takes over -- the bank notes will just have an extreme close-up of Ben Franklin's glowing red eyes, with enormous black eyebrows above them like Tom had in Chuck Jones's "Tom & Jerry" cartoons. Now, getting back to kids gluing crap to other crap -- Today at the supermarket my eyes were struck by a pretty red starburst on the upper-left corner of a box of Barilla "pasta twists" (aka rotini, aka helices.) It said: NEW SHAPE! Somewhere, little kids are jumping up and down, yelling "YAY, NOW THE TWISTS AREN'T FLAT ANY MORE!" And then down the road at the airport the subway map said "America's Oldest Subway System Is Now One Of The Best." It's their way of apologizing for not being one of the best back when they were the only one. Plus I found a lamp shaped like Sylvester Stallone in drag. Discount stores are great if you like bad stuff where little kids SHOULD glue pasta twists all over it, so that you wouldn't have to look at it. -- K. Also, Stacia, I'd like to apologize to Leah for confusing you with her for a tenth of a second earlier today. And it's not your fault that someone took down that picture of Lucille Ball in South Station just to annoy her. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: O WebTV, how I hate you! Let me count the ways... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 05:04:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > I own a Gateway Destination. You know, one of those big-screen PCs on > which you can watch TV. Every time someone comes into my house and I'm > playing solitaire on it they point and ask "is that a WebTV?" I'm > running out of places to hide the bodies. It's not because your computer can display TV... ...they think you must be a WebTV user because only a WebTV user would invite friends over and then play solitaire, you big silly. -- K. Also, nobody ever makes this mistake about my computer with video input, because it has a "PowerPC" logo on the front, so they know it's hefty because it's RISC, unlike the WebTV which is wimpy because it's RISC. (So, which would you rather have, an SGI MIPS R4640 processor or an SGI MIPS R4400 processor? Think fast because that's the difference between a WebTV and world.std.com.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Interactive Frank Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 05:06:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > They're going to build a statue to Frank Sinatra. > In Times Square. > On a traffic island. > Larger than life. > > And it's going to be interactive.... To pigeons? -- K. Maybe they mean they'll give me a remote control so that I can walk Frank around New York City and have him crush people. "ZAP HIM WITH YOUR LEG-BREAKER RAY, FRANKIE!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ways to startle parsley Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 05:21:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Christian Science Monitor newswired: > > Subject: Ways to startle parsley Tell it that a family of cilantro is moving into its neighborhood. > KAREN NORRIS SCHNEIDER -STAFF > Did Ogden Nash truly think ``Parsley/ Is gharsley?'' I suspect he > just liked the awful rhyme. The man was a verbal plotter, but > definitely not a horticultural one. > As for our plotters, if there is a herb that counts for anything, > it is probably parsley. Yeah, but bleeding hearts vote more often. > On the whole, though, thoroughly edible plants seem more valued > than mere flavoring plants. There are occasional exceptions. Odd > clumps of chives. A mound or two of golden oregano. Mint colonizing > neglected corners.... I'VE WARNED YOU PEOPLE BEFORE, AND I'M GOING TO WARN YOU ALL AGAIN: DO NOT LET CHIVES, THYME, MINT OR ESPECIALLY LILIES OF THE VALLEY WITHIN TEN MILES OF YOUR GARDEN OR YOU WILL HAVE TO CALL IN AN AIRSTRIKE AGAINST YOUR HOUSE TO GET YOUR GARDEN BACK. I'd like to grow chives if they weren't so easy to grow. My cactus seedlings ain't giving me those sorts of problems. I figure it'll be about ten years before they try to escape from the little pot. > Monty likes to cultivate basil. Then Marilyn Vos Savant tells him that there is no basil behind the middle door. What is the probability anyone cares whether the basil is behind either of the other doors? > Bob O'Neill grows borage (or at least he has it in his plot, where it grows > itself). The Macleods have a good thyme. I give a home to rosemary and sage, > marjoram and mint - and parsley. But last year's crop is running to seed, > and this year's sowing is a disastrous scattering of four spidery plants > with dim career prospects. Ha! If I were growing chives, I would see to it that they went to an Ivy League college and became lawyers! > The serious vegetable plotters, like Billy Fullerton, want all > their ground for serious vegetables. But even he grows parsley. > I discovered this yesterday when I stopped by his immaculate plot > for a few moments of sincere awe and a question. He is growing exactly > 20 curly-leaf parsley plants, and precisely 12 flat-leaf parsley > plants. In laser-straight rows, they are spaced a punctilious foot apart. I wish *I* had punctilious feet. But unfortunately since I ate brunch at Willy Wonka's place I have punctididdliuncious feet. Could be worse. Julie Andrews has puncticallifragillisticexplodiocious feet. And she has to listen to Dick Van Dyke's Cockney accent. > My question happened to be about parsley germination. Sown > annually, parsley has a longstanding reputation for being > obstetrically obstinate, for ``not wanting to come out of the oven.'' > Even professionals complain about it. But I suspected Billy would > find it no problem, and I was right. > ``Simple,'' he said. All the same, his methodology contained a > surprise. > He sows the seed in a trench. He boils water in a kettle in his > shed. He pours it on the seeds. > ``On the seeds?'' > ``Right on them.'' > I knew that boiling water has folklorically been linked to parsley > germination. Beth Chatto, one of England's most eminent gardeners, in > a letter to another of that lofty ilk, Christopher Lloyd, (in the > fascinating book ``Dear Friend and Gardener,'' Frances Lincoln, 1998) > confesses: ``Whether it be an old wives' tale or not, I always pour a > kettle of boiling water along the drills before I sow parsley.'' The > crucial phrase, surely, is ``along the drills'' - onto the earth, not > the seed. Scorched earth is one thing. Scorched seeds another. > However, I have now encountered the following, in ``Folklore and > Customs of Rural England,'' by Margaret Baker (Rowman & Littlefield, > 1974). It is her concluding sentence in a section on superstitions > attached to parsley. She has just mentioned a version of the country > saying that ``parsley goes to the devil three times before it comes up > once.'' > She writes: ``Boiling water (perhaps offensive to the Evil One) > poured on the seed in the ground, produces germination in three > instead of six weeks.'' She is actually quoting from a friend's > letter. > NEITHER gardener claims this technique is tried or true. Billy > Fullerton, whose pragmatic 1999 theory is that the treatment ``softens > the seed,'' boasts even greater success: His startled parsley > germinates ``in two weeks.'' More power to his green elbow, I say. If > my second sowing is as bad as my first, I may try the hot-shock > technique myself. Well, gee, you're supposed to soak the seeds before planting them. I would expect that when rehydrating anything it rehydrates faster in hot water. Even General Electric tells me to water my plants with hot water, not rain water, in the handy two-page business-card-size "FREE BOOK" which was included with my heat lamp. AND GENERAL ELECTRIC KNOWS PLANTS! (Look at Schenectady. The General Electric plant used to cover it even better than chives would have. Although I think Schenectady would have been more fun with chives.) > At least Billy isn't emulating one complicated herbalist of unknown > period. Quoted in Eleanor Sinclair Rohde's classic ``A Garden of > Herbs'' (first published in the 1920s, still available in paperback), > that resourceful gardener said: ``Steep'' the parsley ``seedes ... in > vinegar and strew the bed with ashes of bean-water with the best aqua > vitae, and then cover the beds with a piece of woollen cloth, and the > plants will begin to appear within an hour.'' > Aw, come on! > A weekly series about a municipal garden in Glasgow, Scotland. The best thing about growing your own parsley is that you can make all-natural Lipton Cup-A-Soup. Just use a cup of salt, half a cup of powdered parsley, and add a tanker truck of water. Oh, yeah, and some of those noodles the size of punctuation marks that swell up and dissolve. -- K. My peas are busily producing three, count 'em, three pods! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Deformed dragonflies found in Minn. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 05:28:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The United Press (UPI) wireserviced: > > Subject: Deformed dragonflies found in Minn. RUN FOR THE HILLS! THEY'RE EVEN DEADLIER THAN REGULAR DRAGONFLIES! Next you're gonna tell me that they've discovered an evil species of mayfly that can live for twenty-FIVE hours! > MINNEAPOLIS, June 9 (UPI) -- Researchers say they don't know what > caused deformities found in dozens of dragonflies in northern Minnesota Wow, DOZENS of dragonflies out of the billion or so in the state. > but they don't think it is related to what caused the deformities found > in frogs elsewhere in the state. I think it might be, if the dragonflies and frogs were near a TV set showing Ted Baxter wearing plaid and Mary Tyler Moore wearing pants. > The insects were found along the Rainy and Upper Mississippi rivers > and suffered from misshapen mouth parts, abdomens and antennae. Some > were also missing legs. > The study was conducted by the Minnesota Department of Natural > Resources. Samples were collected at 90 sites on 23 water bodies between > May and September of last year. The researchers examined the skins > dragonflies shed as they change from being bugs that live in water to > flying insects. Scientists are worried that about a dozen dragonflies were slightly deformed after they killed ten million of them to look for the deformed ones. And now, the final sentence of this thrilling article: > The deformed skins all came from samples near Minnesota's iron mines. WAAH! MY SKIN IS DEFORMED BUT NOT THE REST OF ME! NOW I'VE GOT MY LEGS STUCK IN MY ARM-HOLES! -- K. Dragonflies are my favorite insects, because they look like helicopters except not evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.bodyart From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: pubic hair pattern Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 06:40:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, "Reinhard ZICKLER" (zickler@plus.at) wrote: > > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. Oh, goody. That means there's so much more of it to love. > --------------189F3EEC78BE > Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit > > Dear recipient, > > We are urgently seeking for photographs of different pubic hair pattern > in males and females as described in the attached drawing. > The photographs must frame the body region from the upper thigh up to > the umbilicus. Hey, Adam and Eve did not have umbilici. So they must not have had any public hair worth photographing. Then why did they need those leaves when they posed for all those photos in the Middle Ages? > The disperse pattern will probably only be foud in males. And generally ones over the age of 5. > We will appreciate any response (e-mail or snail-mail)and are also > willing to pay for this pictures. You owe me $10,000. > Please note, that we need the permission to publish this material. Make that $20,000. > Thank you in advance, > > Reinhard Zickler > > **************************************** > Gesellschaft fr Physische Anthropologie > Messerschmidtgasse 31 > A - 1180 Wien > Tel.: *43/1/470 71 16 > Fax : *43/1/479 61 63 > **************************************** > Mag. Reinhard Zickler > -Vorstand- > > --------------189F3EEC78BE > Content-Type: image/jpeg; name="disperse.jpg" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: base64 > Content-Disposition: inline; filename="disperse.jpg" ...attached was a sketch of the four known shapes of pubic hair: horizontal (not connected to the belly button), sagittal (lightly connected to the belly button), accuminate (really connected to the belly button), and disperse (all over the chest). Hey, you left out Muppet Crotch. And that was followed by: > begin 644 Happy99.exe Oh, goody goody goody, they unknowingly allowed a virus to attach itself to their perfectly worthwhile request for Polaroids of my pubic hair. -- K. Fortunately, the virus didn't give me Muppet Crotch. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More Blockbuster evil Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 06:50:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > What the hell? Do you have a big map with little stick pins with names > > of Kibologists, indicating where they live? Maybe this was just to prove > > that I'm a bozo for not caring enough to know where 20-odd people from > > Usenet call home... although I should have remembered Jaffo and Dag. > > Personally, I think I'm lucky enough to know where I live, let alone where > > anyone else does. > > Yes, I have a big map with pushpins that light up every time a > kibologist posts something new. > > "QUICK! TO THE USENET-O-TRON!" I just have a huge cardboard cutout of Anson Williams's head which lights up whenever Potsie is in my building. It's powered by Potsietronic radiation, a side effect of my recent discovery of The Potsie Force. You'll see. -- K. Soon I'll tell you all about The Potsie Force and then I will rule the world! By telling you stuff! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WAAH! MY NEWSREADER ATE MY HEADERS! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 06:59:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Maelstrom (maelstrom-ark@sga.nu) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > Was this a good-_looking_ guy, as all Actors In Commercials are > > > required to be by law here in the USA so that people will feel inferior > > > to them? Or has Finland broken The Last Advertising Taboo and actually > > > showed an -average- looking person in a commercial?" DeLaney > > > > Huh? Maybe it's different on the east coast, but over here, all the guys > > in commercials have "big fat idiot" written all over them > > Nick I hate to be the one to break this to you but the crayon only shows up > on your *own* screen. Nick, David just meant that the people on TV aren't fat or idiotic enough for him to feel superior to them. Also I think that I need to invent a way that when you draw a mustache on someone with The Kibological Crayon, everyone else sees it, because The Kibological Crayon will actually draw a mustache on the actress FOR REAL!!! I have a prototype up and running, but I've only tested it twice: I drew some random scribbles on William Shatner's bald head, and I flipped it over and used the eraser on Barbara Bain's facial expression. SO THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE ON TV, WATCH OUT FOR THE CRAYON OF KIBO COMING OUT OF THE LENS OF THE TV CAMERA INTO YOUR FACE! -- K. The Kibological Crayon only comes in three colors: black, purple, and Aerosol Cheez. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Liam Neeson Defense (for post: Liam Neeson) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 07:12:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > > > my cousin and his wife (who, I think, found > > each other on-line) named their first-born son "Zachary Allen" > > after their favorite B5 character. I haven't talked to them > > personally about this, but I hear that part of the motivation > > for this was that they felt that the Zac character on B5 didn't > > get enough recognition/airtime/fandom. > > > > So, hearing this, who among you will name their first-born > > "Jar Jar"? > > I think I'm going to name YOUR first-born son "Jar Jar". I just wanted to say that the first time I read this, I wacky-parsed it as "...didn't get enough femdom". So, Ted, THANK YOU SO BLOODY MUCH for giving me the mental image of Catwoman spanking "Taxi"'s Jeff Conaway. In his makeup as Danny DeVito. While Danny DeVito was in makeup as The Penguin. And The Penguin was in makeup as John Travolta's friend in "Grease". SO THANK YOU SO DARN MUCH FOR MAKING ME IMAGINE THAT, YOU MEANIE! Anyway, Leah, I think "Jar Jar" should be his first name and he should also have a middle name. I think it should be "Jar Jar" too. And then he should marry Major Major Major Major from "Catch-22" who would be multiplied by Billy Pilgrim from "Slaughterhouse-5" plus "Ice-9" and then they'd adopt Jamie Lee Curtis and Jane Curtin, who would marry each other and give birth to a baby WITH TEN Y CHROMOSOMES, AND A Z!!!! Tom Verre will now explain the urban legend. -- K. ALSO THE KURT VONNEGUT REFERENCE MEANS NOTHING. AND SO IT GOES. POO-TOO-WEET? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Anyone else ever notice... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 10 Jun 1999 07:18:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ...that when CNN Headline News shows that two-minute-long commercial for the collection of "classic" bagpipe music after 3 a.m., they crank the volume waaaaaaay up? I want to punch Ted Turner in the face SO hard. -- K. ALSO HE SHOULD STOP TURNING TEDS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Kibological Quote Of The Day. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 06:54:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor If you live in a community that has ethnic people somewhere in it, your local supermarket probably has stacks of 'zines masquerading as community newsletters in it, i.e. "______'s Pan-Asian Community News", "_______'s Swedish Gazette", "________'s Totally Gay Stuff", etc. (You'd know this if you people on the Internet weren't whiter than Luke Skywalker's underwear.) Well, today I rode the Blue Line far enough from Boston to get to a community which actually had ethnic people in it! After shopping for no-ingredients- listed Mexican candy at the local Shaw's market, and marvelling at the sticky plastic millipedes inside a vending machine at the exit -- said vending machine said "STICKY RODENTS" -- I found stacks of several community newspapers. The most interesting was the local Moroccan newspaper, "Boston's Leader", which is the only multi-page document I've ever seen laid out entirely in Aldus Type Twister. Every page of it looks like a combination of a word-search puzzle and a telepathic conversation from "The Demolished Man" only swirled around in the fourth dimension like the adjectives in the Oompa-Loompas' songs. Most of these community newspapers look pretty boring (some are even done on typewriters) but you gotta admit, the Moroccans know how to stir up a typographic fiesta. Anyway, allow me to quote from page 3 of 12, "Movies' Reviews", carefully transcribed: > Usualy the hot weekends grab good numbers to Hollywood's world. Meanwhile, > we agree that it's also dependable on the nature and the measure that a > movie shows. There are some can't put it down suspense films that accrued > a lot of spectacles' desire such as the "Entrapment" which has a big value > in the world of suspense. A movie that make a person quaking from the first > scene to the end. The story tells about thieves who plan to steal thieves. > > Besides, imagination and science fiction movie keep still taking big parts. > As it was mentioned in the previous issue, Matrix, the world apart and the > insatiable struggle between humanity and the future that already did more > than $30 millions in April grabbed $8.7 millions during the last weekend. > Mindful lovers to that kid of movies expect meeting with a second part > in the future. > > Moreover, comedy was the third on the list this weekend. Life starred by > Eddy Murphy and martin Lawrence got $6.5 millions. The movie is based on > a true store of two New Yorkers who were mistakably sentenced to life after > being accused a murder. The roundhouse prohibited to them what a human > being felt as freedom out. It's full of suspense and to be seen. > > [photo of Jake Lloyd from "Star Wars: Episode I"] > If we get back to the future we'll meet on the way with a terrific episode > that's attacking especially teens. Star Trek, which also pleased adult, > was played by a 10 years old called JAKE LLOYD. He just came to end his > fourth grade. A courageous skillful kid who no doubt is Hollywood's sci-fi > movies future. So, there you have it, folks. The ultimate resolution to the "Star Trek" vs. "Star Wars" flamewar: It turns out that THEY'RE THE SAME MOVIE!!! JAKE LLOYD IS THE STAR OF STAR TREK! JAR JAR BINKS IS WILLIAM SHATNER! Also I think I should use the word "mistakably" more often when talking about things other people do. "You're operating that WebTV very mistakably." It's a good way of expressing "I suspect you're about to make several hundred mistakes." So, next time you're in East Boston, get your movie news in "Boston's Leader", and watch out for the rodents with a thousand gummi legs. -- K. That same supermarket also has a loaf of each kind of Specialty Bread on display inside a glass case, and apparently one of the kinds of Specialty Bread is the green hairy kind. The other Kibological item in their bakery is "Moron Cookies". I think the brightly- colored sprinkles are made from lead paint. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gc & E2 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 07:12:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote: > > Thursday the Greater Crater & Erge2erg 24 ? 0 Cr ? erg > ------------------------------------------------------------------- > Bran crater, Callisto's surface. > a young, single-ring crater that provides > a good view of Callisto's crust. And healthy fiber in your diet! You'll feel a meteoric impact in your colon when you try new Bran Craters! The cereal that looks like it's already in a bowl but it isn't! "Mmm, crispy craters! Thanks, Mom!" > [...] > > I notice the propagation delay, within the Si.G Echo space has > become rather short(quick) especially for Crater topics. hmm? > ... Abyway I agree that there are delays, and my guess will > continue to be, that "CLAM" tides .... > ( delayed about 7 days from NEW or FULL moon phase ) > { perhaps 14, 21, or even 28 days } > Need billions of buck to determine IF SO? > BUT, anyway2 SO I really have difficulty comprehending the > non delay associated with the Volcanic responce to Mercury's > Conjunction, which happens the very "EXACT" day? > ?/?/? > I'll repeat, I agree, there are delays, why? when? or "WHERE" > I do not have a single substantial CLUE. Just "clam" tides, > and those could be a centriputal, or centrifical effected?/? > > > ____line 48 of 45 12:44 A.M. PST Hang on, Bob Barker is about to start the RANGE FINDER moving up this article! Remember, you can press the button to stop it any time to make a .signature quote, but once we've stopped it IT CANNOT BE STARTED AGAIN FOR TWENTY-FOUR HOURS! bling bling bleeng bleep line 48: > ____line 48 of 45 12:44 A.M. PST bling bling bleeng bleep line 47: > bling bling bleeng bleep line 46: > bling bling bleeng bleep line 45: > and those could be a centriputal, or centrifical effected?/? bling bling bleeng bleep (audience begins shouting "STOP! YOU'LL GO OVER!") line 44: > I do not have a single substantial CLUE. Just "clam" tides, (Kibo slams down on the button hard with both hands. Sirens go off.) $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+$$$ $$$| WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER |$$$ $$$| +-------------------------------------------------------------------+ |$$$ $$$| | I do not have a single substantial CLUE. Just "clam" tides, | |$$$ $$$| +-------------------------------------------------------------------+ |$$$ $$$| WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER WINNER |$$$ $$$+-----------------------------------------------------------------------+$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ -- K. This has been a Mark Goodson / Bill Todman production! Stay tuned for "Super Password" on most of these CBS stations. From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: DEAN LENORT KILLED MEL TORME! Date: 06 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Before Mel's death today, Mel had only been mentioned in alt.religion.kibology six times (although there are a few gaps in my archive, why would he have been mentioned in any of the gaps?) Excerpts from all six articles mentioning The Late Velvet Fog: .............................................................................. > Mel Torme: (Singer on TV) While walking his dog in 1963 in New York City, > the singer caught sight of a glowing red object at approximately 5,000 feet. > He watched the UFO for five minutes before it disappeared. -- "Celebrity Sightings.", John_-_Winston, January 1994 .............................................................................. > You're thinking of Mel Torme, of the Meltones fame. He later did some > cameo roles in "Night Court". Of course we all know that Torme was > just his stage name. He appeared in the credits as Mel Kameron aka Kobain. -- "Re: kirk cameron suicide?!?", Howard Cheng, April 1994 .............................................................................. > From: Greg Fishbone (fishbone@astro.ocis.temple.edu) > Subject: Re: Hey! Do my homework for me! Thanks! > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.poems > Organization: Temple University, Academic Computer Services > Date: 28 Nov 1994 23:53:30 GMT > > Eddie Saxe (saxe@cs.unc.edu) wrote: > > > > "lmerkel on BIX" (lmerkel@BIX.com) wrote: > > > > > > Who are the people in the human neighborhood who wrote > > > these lines? > > > > > > 4. "In Zanadooby dooby doo did Koobly Boobly Can-do a > > > stately plea" > > > > Coleridge. Personally, I blame the opium. > > Sounds more like Mel Torme. .............................................................................. > From: Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@worldnet.att.net) > Subject: Re: The Educational "Wizard of Hollywood" > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Organization: Not when I can help it > Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 03:09:10 GMT > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My subconscious is a whirling sea of glowing lutefisk. > > Isn't this what Harvey Korman said in that Mel Torme classic - "The > Producers"? > > "Excuse me while I whip this out." .............................................................................. > "This is not Mel Torme." -- "Re: A lost G.I.Joe figure", B. Chas Parisher, September 1998 .............................................................................. > [The disembodied head of Mel Torme appears floating in the foreground.] > > MEL Congratulations Dr. McIrvin, scooby dooby doo bop! By > successfully assembling an Intestinator you have shown that you > are a great enough scientist to join us in our work, skippidy > dip dong dang! -- Dean Lenort, May 29, 1999 -- EXACTLY ONE WEEK BEFORE MEL'S DEATH! .............................................................................. Now, you'll notice that there were a few months or years between mentions, and John_-_Winston was the first to mention him... but Dean Lenort put the final nail in the coffin by making fun of Mel Torme exactly seven days before he died. This is puzzling because Kibo is usually the one who mentions celebrities right before they die. Also, deadly Dean defiled dear Mel in a post IN THE DISCUSSION OF THE EVILNESS OF JAR JAR BINKS. So I think that Mel may have been setting up his WebTV, saying to himself, "I wonder what this 'Internet' thing is all about shoobeedoowop?" and he plugged it in and the first thing he saw was Dean Lenort saying that MEL TORME WAS JUST LIKE JAR JAR BINKS, and even as nice a guy as Mel Torme would have agreed that Jar Jar Binks is evil. -- K. What will they call The Velvet Fog after he's been dead a while? SMEL TORME! Sorry. I would work Matt Fishman into this, because not only did he kill Jim Henson, he also once killed Mel Torme for a spec "Night Court" script, but Matt's not here right now so I won't drop his name behind his back. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pickled Mel (Was: Re: ....a quick course in Schwann-baiting) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 11 Jun 1999 07:41:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "David O'Callaghan / FortyTwo" (david@fortytwo.8m.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > Can I retroactively mention Mel Torme here, so we can be blamed for his > > > death, as well? I like Mel, but I have to tell you, I think with his > > > death we can see definite strides in the right direction. The Hivemind > > > weaponry is advancing by large degrees. Soon, we'll hit B*b H*pe! > > > > WHy, we'll never hit him, if you bleep out his name! > > > > Or at least if you're going to bleep out his name, you have to use the > > officially sanctioned punctuation bleepage, B-b H-pe. > > Those -s are making bleeping noises at me. Now I understand why ":-)" has a nose shaped like a toothpick. It's to make a beepy clown nose. You couldn't use ":o)" because that's a clown whose nose shouts "OH!" but ":-)" is a beepy-nose clown, and everyone knows that in our culture, beepy noses, giant plastic shoes, and polka-dotted pants are the pinnacle of humor. > And why isn't Beeeb Heeepe dead yet? Bee Bee Heep is currently rehearsing his lines for "Star Wars Episode II: The Circle Of Brigham". George Lucas put him in after all the fanboys wailed and cried about how Jar Jar Binks ruined the first movie for them FOREVER so Lucas had to bend to pressure and replace him with someone else, but now Lucas is angry at the fanboys so he hired a team of experts to come up with someone even more annoying that Jar Jar Binks. Enter Bee Bee Heep. (And once you've entered Bee Bee Heep, you will see that THERE IS NO EXIT FROM INSIDE BEE BEE HEEP! Even if there were, it would be too dark to read the sign.) -- K. All of Bee Bee Heep's dialogue would consist of old "Saturday Night Live" catchphrases delivered by Tom Carvel in a helium atmosphere. And his head would be rectangular and wider than it is tall, to ensure that it completely fills every frame of film. And halfway through the movie he'd say, "Time to vote! Do you want me to live or die? Push one of the two buttons under your seats!" and of course there wouldn't be any, and he'd laugh at you for the remaining hour. Then he'd follow you home. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars,alt.sex.fetish.startrek,alt.religion.kibology,alt.obituaries From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Stop trying to kill DeForest Kelley, you sickos! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 02:11:27 GMT Reply-To: la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sex.fetish.startrek It was really, really, really sick of you people to plant that phony rumor about DeForest Kelley being dead in the news today! I am tired of you Internet denizens trying to convince everyone he's dead when he's obviously not! You people should be ashamed of yourselves! Suppose Mr. Kelley tuned into the Internet on his WebTV and was so outraged by your sick rumors about him being dead that he died! You'd like that, wouldn't you! WELL YOU PEOPLE DON'T DESERVE TO WATCH STAR TREK!!! -- K. Besides, joking about DeForest Kelley's death is particularly sick in light of Shatner's death last week. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I meet my enemy... again. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 03:27:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) quoted himself: > > > my recent ingestion of two tabs of chromium picolinate > > washed down with juice from months-past-its-freshness-date canned lychee > > fruit, > > I just wanted to follow up to my own post to point out that this should > have read "rancid cream of lychee soup," but it was late at night and > the phrase got trapped under in my brain under the lyrics of a Bay City > Rollers song. I just want to follow up to your article before you do, and to point out that, today, I was at Stop 'n' Shop #1 (THE HARVARD ST. STORE IS NUMBER 1! YEE-HAW! I'VE ALSO BEEN IN #2, WHICH IS AT THE DEDHAM MALL!) looking for fresh meat. All the steaks and ground chuck had stickers on them guaranteeing freshness until "Jun 12 00" or "Jun 15 01". Not only is their meat not Y2K-compliant, but it's ninety-something years rancid, at least until it becomes fresh again next year. -- K. Also, why did the Shaw's in Maverick Square make me pay for all those tabloids I took through the TABLOID FREE line? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DeForrest Kelley is DEAD!!!1! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 03:42:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > On June 5th, barely 6 days ago, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Please don't make fun of DeForrest Kelley so soon after his death. > > Quit it, Kibo. You're freaking me out. > > -dp. > Say "Jay Leno" for me. Fine. I'll just travel back in time and will have done that a few times: On June 8th, three days ago, I wrote: -> JAY LENO IS HOLDING UP A PHOTO OF THE JAR JAR BINKS MONSTER MOUTH -> TONGUE CANDY! And on June 10th, JUST LAST NIGHT, I wrote: -> Other famous Emersonians: Jay Leno [...] But I don't really want to kill him because they might replace him with Craig Kilborn or someone even worse. Besides, I like it when he goes out on the street and asks morons simple questions. Like the time he asked what century we landed on the Moon and the people were guessing things like "The eighteenth". My favorite was when he asked what a "light-year" was and got a number of wacky responses, the two LEAST INCORRECT of which were "The distance light can travel in two thousand minutes" and "The time it takes light to go from the Sun to the Earth, I think it's about eight years." Also, Jay Leno once got fired from his job as Doritos spokesman and was replaced by Chevy Chase, who did that commercial about how Chevy was being fired from the Doritos commercials because he sucked. Also tonight was the "Larry Sanders" rerun where Doc Severinson and Tommy Newsom were talking about how glad they were that they weren't in Leno's band. Is it just me, or does Leno's current bandleader (the third or fourth in the series of Non-Threatening Black Guys Hand-Picked By Middle-Aged White Execs) sound really, really, really desperate when he's pretending to laugh so hard at each of Leno's jokes? I mean, those are SWEAT LAUGHS. -- K. There are four kinds of jokes: "laughers", "clappers", "bafflers", and the kind that makes your bandleader pretend to be the only one who likes them. P.S. In this article, I mentioned Craig Kilborn. Please, nobody else mention him until the magic takes effect. From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Time Trilogy of E=MC^2, M=E/C^2 and C^2=E/M Date: 06 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Followup-To: sci.physics Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics, "Oonh" (light@origin.uchicago.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > > What about E+1=MC^2+1? And E^2=MC^4? And E/MC^2=1? And E > E^2=M^2 C^4 Whoops! I, um, meant to do that. In order to be accepted as one of the gang here in madsci.physics. I mean, they wouldn't let me into the Harvard Club -- WITH THE FLIMSY EXCUSE THAT I NEVER EVEN APPLIED TO HARVARD -- so I was just trying to fit in with Archie, Alex, Hannu, Star1, and the rest of the funsters here. Besides, the Koran says to slip a mistake into every rug to keep it from being symmetrical, because only Allah can make a rug or an equation perfectly symmetrical. And if I were to have accidentally made something symmetrical, that would have destroyed a respected religion -- the same religion whose culture gave us algebra -- and thus algebra would cease to exist, and therefore I wouldn't have been able to use it to destroy algebra, and the Universe would get scrambled by the ensuing logical contradiction and hamburgers would start eating people! > Now you owe me a chocolate galaxy because your algebra sucks. Besides, it's not algebra, because algebra doesn't have "^" characters in it. You're confusing algebra and BASIC! You owe me a black hole filled with pork rinds! Mmm, gravitationally delicious... > > That must have taken HUNDREDS of pages! > > 1+1=2 took 362 in Alfred North Whitehead's Principia Mathematica > (not to be confused with Archimedes Plutonium's Principia Bozotica) Yeah, but Bertrand Russell did it faster. Of course, he had help from his wife, Helena, but few people know that because most of the records of that era were lost when the Moon was blown up by Alexander Abian back in 1999. -- K. Hey, don't bite that galaxy, you might accidentally bite off the Orion spur and make it symmetrical... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Time Trilogy of E=MC^2, M=E/C^2 and C^2=E/M Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 03:47:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I am sorry to hear of the passing of "Star Trek"'s DeForest Kelley, but I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for creating another data point for those of you studying the mysterious and awesome powers of Kibo. Six days ago, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > In sci.physics, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > > > B o n e s o f T i m e > > Please don't make fun of DeForrest Kelley so soon after his death. I would like to apologize, once again, for the evil Celebrity-Zapping rays which come out of the Internet whenever I mention a famous person, and then these rays home in on whoever I just mentioned and zap 'em. I did not mean to kill DeForest Kelly. I mean, I didn't even spell his name right. That PROVES it was unintentional. Besides, it's partly STAR1SHIP's fault for letting me follow up to his post. -- K. P.S. Bob Hope Bob Hope Bob Hope ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Time Trilogy of E=MC^2, M=E/C^2 and C^2=E/M Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 05:53:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I am sorry to hear of the passing of "Star Trek"'s DeForest Kelley, > > but I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for creating > > another data point for those of you studying the mysterious and awesome > > powers of Kibo. > > This was actually the first death in a long time where I didn't > immediately start thinking of what it was you'd done to kill the person. I'm sure you'll avoid making that error in the future. REMEMBER, SOME DAY YOU COULD BE A CELEBRITY!!! > I'm sorry DeForest Kelley is gone. Sometimes it feels like everyone I > knew from TV shows as a kid is gone now -- Fred Rogers, aka "Misterogers", is still alive. Slim Goodbody is still alive, even though his internal organs are still on the outside. Cindy Brady is still alive. Ed McMahon is still alive. Jimmy Carter is still alive. William Shatner is still alive, unless you count his hair. There's still a "Nancy" comic strip of sorts. Kermit is still alive, even though Jim Henson isn't holding him up any more. > and TV pretty much babysat me, until I was at least 23. The only problem with using TV as a parental substitute is that it can't spank. But I hear Japanese scientists are making tremendous strides in that area. Soon you'll no longer have to buy a separate spanking machine if your new Sony TV has the new SpankTastic option! > If I'd only grown up with Bob Hope specials... but you can't go back > in time, I guess. Sure you can, but only about three times a season, and then Kirk and Spock and Picard and Data and Janeway have to immediately forget that they can do it whenever they want to, except once in a while when they remember like in "Assignment: Earth" and "Yesteryear" and on "Doctor Who". A better model would be "The Time Tunnel", where although they travelled in time every single week, they never once remembered "HEY! WE HAVE A TIME TUNNEL!" when wondering what to do about the alien bomb that was counting down in their control room while Halley's Comet was about to destroy the Earth because they were looking at it with The Time Tunnel. > > P.S. Bob Hope Bob Hope Bob Hope > > Indeed. Mickey Rooney is still alive. Anson Williams is still alive. Ted Kennedy is still alive. My okra plants are still alive. -- K. In Hindi, okra is "bindhi". What other vegetables rhyme with the names of their languages? I propose we start spelling "spinach" as "spinglish". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apollo 13 on DVD Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 05:04:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Tom Kraemer (tkraemer@world.std.com) wrote: > > When I put the Apollo 13 DVD into my Mac, it appears on the desktop as > "APOLLO69". When it plays, it's not a porno movie, which is good since > it's about three guys all alone (there is one scene where Forrest Gump > hugs the punk rock guy from Terminator, but it's over real quick). And Edd Harris doesn't spend half of the film whipping himself, unlike George Romero's "Knightriders". I ONLY RENTED IT BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT HAD A TALKING CAR!!! Then they launched Edd Harris into space and some aborigines knew that Apollo 13 was in trouble and sent some sparks from their campfire up to save him, and then he pulled the "NEVER PULL THIS LEVER" lever which made his capsule sink but it was okay because he couldn't sue because he was killed in the sequel. > "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." > --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 He was just cranky because he was getting sick of sponging acid off Sherlock Holmes's lap. -- K. P.S. If you don't believe me that Edd Harris starred in a movie called "Knightriders", go rent it, but I warn you, IT'S AS BORING AS WATCHING A KEVIN COSTNER MOVIE ON AN AMTRAK TRAIN! But it might make a good double feature with "Mazes & Monsters" while you're playing "Dungeons & Dragons" while high from ergot poisoning. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y2K Civil Defense Test Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 12 Jun 1999 05:12:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > I heard on the radio today that a local bank is replacing a number of > $20 bills with Folg^H^H^H^H$50 bills in certain of their ATM machines. > They have even announced the location of these machines. This promotion > is supposedly because they wuv us. And because the government now allows them to add a $2 "user fee" for every button you press. Including the eight in your password. And the ones on your shirt. > If anyone would like a preview of what the Y2K run on banks will look > like just before midnight 1/1/00, this is your opportunity. I need to start planning where I'm going to go on 12/31/99 to photograph wacky drunk people and/or panicky paranoid people. I think I'm going to need to draw a dotted Y2K line winding across a map of Downtown Boston depending on which parts of town I think will have visible bozosity by 11:30, versus the parts that will only go nutzoid around 11:59. > I wonder if the marketing folks at this bank are using this as a stress > test on their ATM machines? Lets say they swap 15 bills. That's only a > $450 investment ($20 + $50 - $20 x 15 = roughly $450), much cheaper than > hiring some hack Y2K consultant. But then again, maybe they don't have > a clue and really are being nice. Maybe they just want you to get your filthy money the hell out of their bank! -- K. No, wait, that's Fleet. THE BANK THAT HATES YOU.(tm) (BTW, Fleet's ATMs actually