Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RAMBLE! RAMBLE! RAMBLE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 13 Jun 1999 06:32:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > The worst part of living with your parents is realizing that you have > a porno tape that's unaccounted for. You should hire an accountant to watch your pornography collection for you. Then you could completely ignore your pornography while it accrues in value! Why, someday that tape of "A Party At Kitty And Stud's" might be worth something when that guy in it becomes a good actor! > [...re "Mini-Me" in "Austin Powers II"] > > I'm a bit sensitive to humor involving dwarves though. I went to > a high school that had at least three of them. The smallest of > them was a substitute teacher. Man, was he ever tiny. Someone > had to help him operate the VCR. Oh, so you're calling him a STUPID midget. THAT'S MUCH MORE INSULTING THAN CALLING HIM A BRAINY MIDGET, YOU INSENSITIVE INTELLIGENT BIG PERSON!!! > There was one girl who was about four foot eight or so, probably too tall > to legally qualify but short enough that you'd notice. I had a crush on her and she yelled "Hey! You're sitting on me!" and I apologized. > in the eighth grade. As a result, I was afraid of her throughout > high school. And we never said more than a few words to each other > through the whole time. The third one I remember was a freshman when > I was a junior, and she was in my theater arts class, and I forget her > name, but she was a pretty good actress. You went to school with Rhea Perlman? Wow, you're old for a tall person. > The eighth grade was weird. I guess I first adolesced at about > 2:00 PM on February 13, 1992. I looked at this chyk behind be in > math class and suddenly "WHOA!" Later that year, I discovered my > resillience to the effects of infatuation, as I noticed a few months > later, first, that she wore way too much make-up, and second, that > she was probably the fourth most unshapely woman in the class. And there were only three women in the class! > I didn't talk to her much either. (You know, I'm starting to think everyone here talked to the girls in Nick's high school class more than he did...) Nick, have you considered making up some stories about what a stud you are to impress us? This *is* the Internet, after all! > Getting back to dwarves, though, aside from Mini-Me's attention, > a trend at school is wondering what it would be like to hire extra > midgets to do stuff for you. Or, in the case of the three little people in school, hiring Jeff Goldblum, Conan O'Brien, and/or John Kenneth Galbraith to clean their bathrooms. > [...] > > I also like pornography. I agree, except for the word "also". > And I don't like when it goes missing. Due to the Law Of Conservation Of Pornography, it's okay, because it means that somewhere else in the Universe, some guy with three eyes just got Surprise Pornography in the mail. I hope the pink skin doesn't gross him out. > Especially since my mother told me while she was in Seattle, she > would go through my room and clean it out. Now the question is, > have I simply misplaced my "Girls Who Love Girls Vol. 11" tape that > is mislabeled "Oral Action #3" to fool anyone who may find it? Or > has it already been confiscated? And what has been done with it? > The rest of my porn is in the filing cabinet where hopefully it > will be inaccessible. Ah, a filing cabinet, sign of a Serious Porn Collector. You know, you could just label the videotapes "SOUTH PARK MARATHON" and then your parents would NEVER try to watch 'em. -- K. Getting back to short people, I think that 7-Eleven stores are engaged in a conspiracy to make people shorter, because every time I measure myself against the inconspicuous "HOW TALL IS THE CROOK?" scale by the exit, I'm about three inches shorter than I used to be. The one near Children's Hospital claims I'm five-ten, when I'm normally just over six-one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RAMBLE! RAMBLE! RAMBLE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 15 Jun 1999 06:42:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable "van" Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > > > I didn't talk to her much either. > > > > (You know, I'm starting to think everyone here talked to the girls > > in Nick's high school class more than he did...) Nick, have you > > considered making up some stories about what a stud you are to > > impress us? This *is* the Internet, after all! > > Oh yeah, like people would make up stories on > the internet! I don't believe that at all, Kibo. > As I was saying to Cindy Crawford last night in > bed, "Cindy, you know that Kate Moss is a much > better lay than you, and I'm going to dump you > for Milla Jovovic, because she is making up > stories that she has slept with me, and posting > them on the internet. And I don't think that's > right!". And Cindy said "WWWAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!", > which I think proves that she also thinks it's > wrong to make up stories and post them on the > internet. I'm sorry, I posted without thinking, because I was busy playing my Atari 2600 Tempest cartridge with my left hand while playing my Atari 1450XLD Tempest cartridge with my right hand while my lovely girlfriend and soon-to-be-wife, Juliet Landau, watched from the back seat of our full-size Lego Galaxy Explorer spacecraft, smiling at me with her spherical yellow head. Wait, stop! Back up the fantasy! Tape over that last part! -- K. I'm going to Salem tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RAMBLE! RAMBLE! RAMBLE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 05:47:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Getting back to short people, I think that 7-Eleven stores are engaged > > in a conspiracy to make people shorter, because every time I measure > > myself against the inconspicuous "HOW TALL IS THE CROOK?" scale by > > the exit, I'm about three inches shorter than I used to be. The one > > near Children's Hospital claims I'm five-ten, when I'm normally just > > over six-one. > > This means that you only have twenty-four more visits to the 7-Eleven > before you entirely disappear -- twenty or so if you exclude the ones > where you'd be too small to reach anything except the cans of cat food > they keep on the bottom shelf. Waah! Soon I'll no longer be able to reach the secret little plastic box lying on top of the Slurpee machine with the display cards with the ads for ever possible flavor of Slurpee that ever existed or could ever exist! I will never again be able to riffle through that little box to learn that there are both Pineapple and Pi–a Colada Slurpees! Also, now they have Slurpee gum. But it only seems to come in Blue Flavor. -- K. Twizzlers now come in "Wild Berry" (maroon) and "Red Razz" (dark red). Wow, the inventiveness of the candy syndicates... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Chinese "ghost-town" to disappear for good in 2003 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 13 Jun 1999 06:57:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ClariNet just wireserviced this at me: > > FENGDU, China, June 12 (AFP) - Fengdu, dubbed "the ghost town" > because it controls the gates of hell in Chinese tradition, will > disappear for good in 2003 when it is destroyed by the advance of > the massive Three Gorges dam project. I was going to say something about China flooding hell, and then Satan wd complain that he always feels dry again an hour later, but that wouldn't be interesting, so instead I'll mention that my local hardware store has boxes that say TOILET SPUD WASHER in big letters. HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU? He: "Honey, can you cook me some potatoes?" She: "Sorry, dear, I don't have time -- I have to go to the bathroom!" STOP! WITH NEW TOILET SPUD WASHER YOU CAN RELIEVE YOURSELF AND CLEAN YOUR POTAOES AT THE SAME TIME! TOILET SPUD WASHER'S GENTLE SWIRLING ACTION WILL MAKE YOUR POTATOES SPARKLING CLEAN AS THEY WHIZ AROUND! He: "Honey, these french fries are TOILETASTIC!" She: "...thanks to new TOILET SPUD WASHER!" Both: (laughing at the funny funny non-joke) "HA HA HA HA!" (She winks, and her eye goes "DING!") TOILET SPUD WASHER! AS USED IN THE RESTROOMS OF FINE RESTAURANTS! AVAILABLE AT A HARDWARE STORE NEAR YOU! NOT FOR USE WITH MASHED POTATOES! > The town of 60,000 residents is on the banks of the Yangtze > river and will be swallowed by the reservoir formed by the dam, > which is to be completed in 2009. > But Fengdu will be blown up six years earlier and a new > settlement developed high on the opposite bank of the river, a move > to ensure no-one remains in "the ghost town." I think this is the most touching final episode of "Little House on the Prairie" ever. "Waah! We wanna stay here in our crappy little house in downtown Hell even though the evil Chinese government wants to blow it up! So we'll blow it up before they can so that it'll be a happy ending!" (Then the camera pulls back and we see that an autistic little boy is staring into a snow globe containing a tiny Chinese town, and potatoes swirling around.) > "The destruction of the buildings will also guarantee security > for navigation of the river and for fishermen," said Xu Bendong, > director of the resettlement bureau in the neighbouring town of > Fuling. > A dike has always protected the "royal palace of hell," Insert David Letterman joke here: +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | | +---------------------------------------------------------------------+ > as well as a multitude of Buddhist and Taoist temples constructed on the > heights of the town since the seventh century. > The legend associated with the town goes back more than 2,000 > years, when the names of two residents, Yin and Wang, were confused > with "Yinwang," the Chinese name for "king of hell," and they became > celebrities in Fengdu. "Yay! Each of the two of us is half of the king of Hell!" (--or--) POWER OF YIN! POWER OF WANG! COMBINE TO FORM SUPER KING OF HELL BATTLE-ROBOT! > With their frightening creatures busy roasting the damned, the > restored sights of Fengdu became the premier tourist attraction in > the Three Gorges. > Despite the rising waters, the town intends to safeguard its > principal source of revenue. > On the opposite bank, cranes are contructing the new town where > Fengdu residents will live. > "My future apartment will cost 35,000 yuan (3,700 dollars)," > said a souvenir seller at the entrance to the "palace of hell." > "The state doesn't take responsibility for this sum." > Those who don't have the means to pay the difference in the > price of resettlement with state compensation must be content with > "inevitably smaller homes than those they have to leave," the trader > added. > The Three Gorges dam, which will be the biggest hyrdo-electric > plant in the world, will create a 632 square kilometre (253 square > mile) reservoir, forcing the resettlement of 1.2 million people. Could be worse. I hear they're considering plans to put a parking lot where Purgatory used to be. And people whose names start with "Z" will be assigned parking spaces somewhere past where the unbaptized babies go, about 15,000 miles from the elevator. > FENGDU, CHINA, 10-JUN-1999: Tourists walk down the many steps June 10 > 1999 leading up the Ghost Temple in Yangtze River city of Fengdu, > Sichuan, also know as the "Ghost City," where legend has it a huge > judicial organization of the Nether World resides to punish evilness. I just hope they're Y2K compliant. I'd hate for some subway spitters to slip through the cracks, you know? > The city, which is home to many ancient buildings and temples, will > be submerged after the completion of the Three Gorges Project. Plans > are under way to move the entire town to another location on another > river. In the foreground is a statue of the "God of of Heavens." Why don't they just build a dome over the city? Then it could be like "Jabberjaw" and they could call it "Aqua-Fengdu" and they could have giant talking sharks that play rock'n'roll and scare people. -- K. Speaking of TV shows that start with "Jabber", on "Jabberwocky" this morning they taught Dirty Frank (the filthy disgusting homeless hand puppet) that toys aren't real... and then they told him that because he's a puppet, HE'S JUST A TOY! Actual people are so cruel! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Typo of the day Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Mon, 14 Jun 1999 07:15:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ClariNet just wireserviced this headline at me: > > Subject: Pavarotti wenchants Lebanon Please, please, please, never, ever, ever, EVER give us a mental image of Pavorotti as a wench again. -- K. Not even if he bleaches his hair. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quote of the Day! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 06:57:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "There is nothing funny about a giant bee!" -- Leonard Nimoy (in "The Harryhausen Chronicles") (Someday I would like to be animated by Ray Harryhausen.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Coke Soft Drinks Banned in Belgium Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 07:56:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Associated Press just beamed this into my home: > > BRUSSELS, Belgium (AP) -- Just as they're starting to recover > from a food contamination scare over meat, butter and eggs, > Europeans are being buffeted by fears of another product they > thought they could trust -- Coca-Cola. OH NO, THIS COCA-COLA HAS CHEMICALS IN IT! > Following the hospitalization of dozens of Belgians, Coke > admitted Tuesday that it had problems at two of its plants -- one > involving pesticide on the outside of cans, the other substandard > carbonation gas. OH NO, THESE BUBBLES ARE THE WRONG KIND OF "NATURAL GAS"! QUICK, POUR BEANO ON THEM! OPEN THE WINDOW! LIGHT A MATCH! WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT! > While the world's largest soft drink maker contended that the > products are still safe, the scare which prompted Belgium to ban > all Coke soft drinks Monday spread to its neighbors Tuesday. > Luxembourg said it was withdrawing all Coca-Cola drinks from its > stores. OH NO, COCA-COLA'S ANNUAL REVENUES ARE GOING TO DROP BY FIVE DOLLARS! AND THE CAST OF "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE MOTION PICTURE" WON'T BE AFFECTED BECAUSE I'M SURE THEIR CRAFT SERVICES TABLE ONLY HAS GENERIC COLA BECAUSE ROGER CORMAN ONCE FIRED A GUY FOR SERVING COKE BRAND COKE AND THIS MOVIE IS PROBABLY EVEN CHINTZIER THAN ROGER CORMAN AND FRED MERTZ COMBINED! WHY AM I SHOUTING? > Coke's Dutch arm recalled all its products originating from > Belgium and ordered its distributors in the Netherlands to stop any > imports of Coca-Cola products from Belgian suppliers. "Coke's Dutch arm" could lead to a wacky wacky pun on "Dutch treat" (which is NO TREAT AT ALL!) or "Dutch uncle" (NOT AN UNCLE!) or "Dutch oven" (like an oven that DOESN'T GET HOT!) or Ronald "Dutch" Reagan (NEVER REALLY WAS PRESIDENT!) except that I don't know what a "Dutch arm" would actually be, except not an arm. HA HA VENUS DeMILO HAS DUTCH ARMS!!! > France banned the sale of cans Coca-Cola, Diet Coke, Sprite and > Fanta brands, saying the company's explanations of the > contamination haven't been sufficient. DAMMIT, COKE, SWITCH TO CONTAMINATING YOUR SODA WITH STUFF THAT CAN BE EXPLAINED MORE QUICKLY! "It's dirt. Just dirt." "Okay, thank you!" > Coke's admission follows a dioxin scare that spread across > Europe in recent weeks. Most nations including the United States > banned sales of chicken, pork, beef, eggs and meat products from > Belgium after revelations the cancer-causing chemical had entered > the food chain through animal feed. > While Belgium began restocking shelves Friday with foods from > farms the government deemed safe, bans on Belgian foods remain in > effect in a number of other countries. > Now comes the Coke scare. > Philippe Lenfant, general manager of Coca-Cola Belgium, said > separate errors occurred at two Coca-Cola plants, one in Dunkirk, > France, just across the Belgian border and the other in the > northern Belgian city of Antwerp. And when Dunkirk Coke and Antwerp Coke are mixed together, it creates the same thing you get if you mix Pop Rocks and Clorox! A MASSIVE, NOXIOUS CLOUD OF *SOLID* CHLORINE! IT LOOKS LIKE FROZEN PEA SOUP! WITH NO ARMS! > At the Antwerp plant, Lenfant said gas used to carbonate drinks > about two weeks ago was ``of bad quality.'' Looks like Willy Wonka forgot to wipe Jack Albertson's saliva off the bottom of that fan after Mr. Albertson came down and left to do that episode of "Insight" where his grandson turns into an oscilloscope on a hand truck because computers are as good as people unless you read the Bible. > Coca Cola said that only the taste was affected and that all of > the products involved have been recalled. Remember, kids, only taste was affected. And rat poison has no taste! DON'T DRINK ANYTHING THAT HAS NO TASTE!!! > In Dunkirk, a pesticide used to treat some wooden crates in > which the cans are placed leaked onto the underside of the cans. > People who drank from these cans probably fell ill after inhaling > the substance, Lenfant said. Especially if they drank from the secret other pull tab in the can's bottom. > He insisted the pesticide had not leaked into drinks, but had > been absorbed by an anticorrosive lacquer painted on the bottom of > the cans. This special anticorrosive lacquer keeps the Coke from dissolving your hands when you hold the can. > Coca-Cola said ``independent analysis'' had determined the > pesticide was safe, but said it was taking steps to eliminate the odor. NEW! COKE THAT WE LEFT SITTING IN OUR WAREHOUSE FOR A YEAR UNTIL IT STOPPED SMELLING LIKE A COMPACT DISC IN A MICROWAVE! NOW WITH LESS RETCHING! > The Atlanta, Ga.-based company said both problems were confined > products sold in Belgium. As was the word "to". BELGIUM REFUSES TO EXPORT ANY MORE OF THE WORD "TO" TO THE UNITED STATES, POSSIBLY CAUSING A MILD DISRUPTION IN COMMUNICATIONS, PRIMARILY AFFECTING THIS SENTENCE. > Lenfant refused to say how many cans and bottles were affected. > Despite the publicity nightmare, corporate crisis consultant > Alfred Geduldig said it was unlikely Coke will experience any > long-lasting effects from the scandal. Unless people talk about it on the Internet. I mean, that thing about the guy finding a live Rat King in a can of Coke blew over because they didn't have the Internet back when it happened to this guy I know a few years ago. Plus the oil companies paid him to cover it up because he also invented a car that runs on Coke. AND HIS NAME WAS... ANDY DICK! (Sorry. I should've taken the left turn at the Wonkawash machine.) > ``They are going to show themselves to be very consumer > oriented,'' he predicted. ``No one manages their global image more > than Coke,'' said Geduldig, of the New York-based firm Geduldig and > Ferguson Inc. > Coca-Cola's name recognition in this case worked against them, > Geduldig added. If a similar incident happened to a small company > that was selling a soft drink, it probably would not get into the > papers and the bureaucracy probably wouldn't ban the product. > ``The fact that the Coca-Cola brand is so famous makes it a news > story,'' he said. ``On the other hand, that's balanced out by the > fact that Coca-Cola implies purity and quality and customer > satisfaction.'' > On Monday, Belgium Health Minister Luc Van den Bossche banned > all sales of Coke and other Coca-Cola brands such as Fanta, Sprite, > Aquarius, Bonaqua or Minute Maid fruit juices. Hey you forgot "O.K." soda! He mister newspaperman come back here and talk about "O.K."! Won't someone please talk about "O.K."? Please? I still drink lots of "O.K." soda which I can buy at any supermarket anywhere! And they haven't cancelled the original "Battlestar Galactica" series now that they're making a movie, have they? > The move came after a total of almost 50 people were > hospitalized suffering from nausea after drinking Coke products. > Eight remained in the hospital Tuesday. One who drank Coke while licking a Jar Jar Binks lollipop was given emergency surgery, and then placed under psychiatric observation. > On June 10, 31 school children fell ill after drinking Coke, > forcing the company to recall 2.5 million bottles. I can't wait until someone in Japan figures out a way to combine toxic Coke with flickering lights to make The CokŽmon Power Hour Flickering Nausea Show. > At least one person hospitalized showed symptoms of hemolysis, > an excessive destruction of red blood cells that causes anemia and > vomiting. MMM! THIS COKE TASTES EXCESSIVE DESTRUCTIONY! HEAR THAT FIZZING NOISE? IT'S YOUR RED BLOOD CELLS EXPLODING! (It's like being touched on the shoulder by Lee Meriwether, which kills you unless you're George Takei. If you're the late DeForest Kelley you can avoid this horrible fate only by sexually harassing the alien woman with no belly button.) > ``We respect the minister's decision,'' Lenfant said. But he > stressed the company had withdrawn the contaminated products and > was confident sales could soon return to normal. > Lenfant met with Van den Bossche Tuesday and said he felt he had > convinced the minister the damage was contained. NOW CONTAINS 51% MORE DAMAGE! > ``I am more optimistic tonight than I was this morning,'' > Lenfant told reporters. Then he had his lunch, a peanut butter sandwich and a Pepsi. > [photo caption] > MOUSCRON, BELGIUM, 15-JUN-1999: Coca-Cola employees remove bottles of > Coca-Cola from a supermarket in Moscron June 15 1999. Belgium decided > to withdraw Coca-Cola company products from store shelves after 42 > schoolgirls who drank their beverages became ill. Oh, it's one of those poisons that only hurts GIRLS. You know, like silicone or that stuff that causes Toxic Shock Syndrome. -- K. And anything involving green leafy vegetables. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Another article that didn't live up to its subject line Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 16 Jun 1999 07:59:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A wire-service news story: > Subject: Sick pope appears at window Now, see, I was expecting something like "And then I looked up and this guy in a funny hat was talking about 'South Park' and David Lynch movies," said the bank teller. But no, it's just about how the Pope can't be really sick because he was able to look out a window. -- K. What was that Kent Brockman said about his high-top sneakers? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another article that didn't live up to its subject line Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 04:19:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "david lynch" (dflync01@louisville.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "And then I looked up and this guy in a funny hat was talking about > > 'South Park' and David Lynch movies," said the bank teller. > > What's so sick about David Lynch movies? I mean, the guy posed for an ad for Technics stereo systems. That is like so square. You know, the SAME sound coming out of TWO speakers! -- K. Plus I hear now that George Lucas is going to stop putting Jar Jar Binks in movies, David Lynch has purchased all rights to the character to make a film all about Jar Jar, some crack, an invisible whore, and the California Raisins covered in Grey Poupon. Starring Sammy Hagar, Van Halen, Doctress Neutopia, with Kurt Vonnegut Jr. as Jar Jar. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Battlestar Galactica: The Movie Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 04:26:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor AND NOW, BECAUSE "TOP TEN" LISTS ARE THE HIGHEST FORM OF HUMOR, KIBO PRESENTS: THE TOP TEN REASONS YOU *MUST* SEE "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE MOVIE" 10. You'll learn whether they bring back Robert Reed's character from the third "Battlestar Galactica" "movie", "Conquest Of The Earth". 9. You must see the movie because Richard Hatch loves you deeply. 8. Maybe Patrick Stewart will portray Dr. Zee again. 7. Discover whether they've gone high-tech and replaced the chimp in the robot dog suit with a robot in chimp suit inside a robot dog suit. 6. Count the number of times the characters offhandedly mention that in space the year 1979 is immediately followed by the year 1981 and thus there never was a "Galactica 1980". 5. Find out if the movie rips off the theme music from "Airplane II". 4. Maybe Glen Larson will have a cameo so that you can find out what he looks like and ascertain whether he's Gary Larson's long-lost less-talented twin brother. 3. It's an educational film that will teach you what alien planets will be like if any are ever discovered within Luxembourg. 2. You'll learn fun new wacky space swear words like "frack", "felgerkarb", and "Luxembourg". AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON YOU MUST SEE "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA: THE MOVIE": 1. You will witness the screen debut of the most annoying character ever, "Bar Bar Jinks". (ROLL STOCK FOOTAGE OF PAUL AND THE BAND FLYING DOWN THE LAUNCH TUBES, AGAIN) -- K. I was going to make a joke about the third volume of Dirk Benedict's autobiography, but I didn't have room for it. I mean in my apartment. I needed the space for my Britannica. (COMING SOON: BATTLESTAR BRITANNICA!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Inna Gadda da Pan Flute Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 04:29:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Also, the local Applebee's funeatery/bardrinkery has a special on Aztec > Chicken Salad which caused the local League of Avocado Freedom to grab the > cardboard and a flashlight in an attempt to summon me, but there is in > fact no avocadoes in the salad. Or chocolate. In fact, it's nothing but > lettuce, chicken, cheese, tortilla chip strips, and the still-beating > heart of a Pizza Hut shift manager. Waah! My Applebee's sucks, the heart was dead when I got it. Also, you said the words "tortilla chip strips" without an asterisk attached to "* BY THE WAY THESE WORDS ARE TEASING US ALL WITH THEIR STUPIDITY", like how KFC's chicken pot pie has "whole chunks of chicken", and bubble gum now comes in "artificially flavored original flavor". So please stick an asterisk to something stupid the next time you mention Applebee's. -- K. AT APPLEBEES, ALL OF OUR APPLES HAVE BEES IN THEM, AND ALMOST NO WORMS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: King of Terror 2 Return May 17, 2000 A.D. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 04:35:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > WHOOSH! GALE-FORCE WINDS BURST FROM YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AS TEN MILLION CUBIC MILES OF AEROSOL KONTEXT-AWAY BLASTS ANNOYING CONTEXT BACK TO THE STONE AGE! > I would also like to add that in '98, I chased after the media in Jon > Benet's underwear. ZING! KA-ZOWIE! THE KONTEXT-AWAY VAPOR DISSIPATES IN A COLOSSAL EXPLOSION OF CERTIFIED CONTEXTLESSNESS! (Somewhere, a chimp rings a tiny bell, and there is polite applause from all manner of inanimate objects.) -- K. Then Monica Lewinsky lights a cigar and says, "How the media got into your underwear, I'll never know. Also, inside of a dog, it's too dark to light a good five-cent cigar, and if I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the Kontext-Away!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: George Lucas is worse than Hitler! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 04:47:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable "van" Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > So David Brin is this guy who wrote the novel > "The Postman", later a BLOCKBUSTER MOTION > PICTURE HIT!!11! starring some guy whose name > I forgot. That Italian guy who won an Oscar after his death. You know, Ezio Greggio. The Italian Bob Hope! Only deader. > Anyway. It turns out that he likes "Star Trek" > a lot more than "Star Wars", and that he > believes that "Episode Eye" is a TERRIBLE > movie because it encourages people to > worship a mass murderer, ie Darth Vader. > He likens this to worshipping Hitler. Okay, so maybe Darth Vader is Hitler and Peter Cushing is obviously a Nazi general because he only ever played Nazis in movies, except when he was Doctor Who, and in "Star Wars" he's even wearing what looks vaguely like a Nazi uniform only with seventies office-phone buttons on his chest, and maybe, just maybe, the fact that the bad guys are called "stormtroopers" has something to do with the fact that the Nazis called their soldiers "stormtroopers", and all this proves that the bad guys in "Star Wars" are obviously Nazis, but at the end of the movie, the good guys hold a victory rally which looks exactly like a scene from Riefenstahl's "Triumph Of The Will", which means that in "Star Wars" THE GOOD NAZIS ARE FIGHTING THE EVIL NAZIS! NOW I DON'T KNOW WHO TO ROOT FOR! I still say George Lucas should have gone with his first impulse and called the movie "Triumph Of The Force", or possibly "Blitz Gordon". > Read this article, which is food for thought: > http://www.salonmagazine.com/ent/movies/feature/1999/06/15/brin_main/ > > and this one is the same old stuff about > "Star Wars is SILLY!" > http://www.salonmagazine.com/ent/movies/feature/1999/06/15/brin_side/ > > What do you think? Is George Lucas worse than Hitler? I'm sorry, I can't think, because you told me to read those long URLs and now I'm busy reading. Maybe to get an intelligent answer you should ask someone who never reads anything what they think. -- K. Also, I never got why David Brin always wore that white suit that was too big. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bill Gates Goes Broke, Blames Star Wras Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 05:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Qui Gon" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: Bill Gates Goes Broke, Blames Star Wras I DREAMED I WENT TO OUTER SPACE IN MY MAIDENFORM BAR!!! (Typing is hard!) > Recently it was revelaed that Gates was a severet Star Wars fan. What part of him was severed by "Star Wars", and was it with a lightsaber? > A former high-level accountat revelead Gates attempted to purchase one of > every Phantom Menace item that exsists. AND TWO OF EVERY ITEM THAT DOESN'T! > He went broke in one day. He now lives in a cardboard box in Montana. Of course, Montana was the only state large enough to contain Gates's 15,000-room cardboard box. It's so big he can pee in a different corner of the box every day for the rest of his life. I'm looking forward to Ted "I OWN ALL OF MONTANA EXCEPT THE CARDBOARD BOX" Turner's TV-movie "Pirates of Silicon Valley" this weekend, because Anthony Michael Hall plays Bill Gates, and for the rest of his life people are going to point at Bill Gates and snicker, "HAW HAW! YOU LOOK LIKE ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL!" Know what this means? Joe Piscopo, Mary Gross, and Charlie Rocket will soon get big movies where they play the second, third, and fourth richest people in the world. WHICH MEANS THAT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO BECOME A GIRL! -- K. I searched for "Charlie Rocket" in AltaVista and found 17 Web pages. One of them was www.charlierocket.com. Three of them were things I wrote. WAAH! CHARLIE ROCKET IS STILL MORE FAMOUS THAN ME, AND NOW IT'S PARTLY MY FAULT! (He apparently designs children's clothes now. I'll have to be sure to tell Bill Murray.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.bio.technology,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Prion heredity vs. arthritis heredity Re: Prion is the sickle cell disease of proteins; iron to copper/zinc Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 06:41:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.med, sci.bio.technology, and sci.chem, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > tannert@my-deja.com wrote: > > > > One thing I feel I must mention. Chickens who become vitamin E deficient > > get a disease known as 'crazy chick disease'. > > Interesting. Do chickens get prion disease? I think the real question is... ...how did Archimedes Plutonium get a chicken disease? -- K. (Cue Jo Anne Worley...) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Butter? Parkay? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 19 Jun 1999 02:43:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In a conversation the other day, I was trying to describe Fabio's aerosol butter, and instead of "aerosol butter", I said "inflatable butter". I like that concept better, especially if Fabio's not involved. -- K. This conversation was prompted by the "Professional carpet cleaning by Fabio" sign in the laundry room. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mark Hamill stars in supermarket commercial Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 19 Jun 1999 03:30:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Inky the Cat (inky@anti-social.com) wrote: > > So I was watching some mind-numbing television and > during the commercial break, I look up to see the > radiating visage of Mark Hamill, while the rest of > the country is swimming in a deluge of Star Wars hype, > doing an advertisement for Marsh Supermarkets (a > chain centering around Indianapolis). This was part > of the dialogue: > > "Marsh's cakes are so moist, I don't know whether > to serve them with a fork or a spoon... > > The camera pulled back to show him musing over this > difficult choice, rubbing his chin: > > "hm, fork or spoon, fork or spoon..." > > suddenly a voice-over advises him to > "USE THE FORKS, LUKE," YAY! NOW MARSH'S CAKES ARE RUNNIER THAN CAMPBELL'S CHUNKY SOUP! THE SOUP YOU EAT WITH A FORK BECAUSE IT EATS LIKE A MEAL! I MEAN LIKE A MEAL WOULD EAT IF A MEAL COULD EAT! YOU! ("Of course this cake's soggy, I found it in the Marsh.") Now if only Bob Hope would say something that funny in those K-Mart ads: ROSIE O'DONNELL: Hey, look, it's Penny Marshall! PENNY MARSHALL: Hey, look, it's Bob Hope! BOB HOPE (with fork embedded in forehead): Spoon, gas, eraser... yarn? Bees! No more bees! (begins to cry, then dissolves) ROSIE O'DONNELL: Thank you, Bob Hope! But getting back to the world of ACTUAL ads with dumb slogans spouted by dumb people... In the current TV Guide there's an ad for Crystal Light. You know Crystal Light: It's the "healthy" drink made from aspartame, citric acid, dye, and artificial flavors. The ad shows a big pile of real raspberries, despite the fact that nary a drupelet has been sighted within a hundred miles of the factory. A woman is gushing, "I love the raspberriness of it," obviously unaware that the stuff doesn't even have actual sugar in it, let alone raspberries. Then, the dippy homemaker burbles, "WHEN I LEARNED THAT EVERY LUSCIOUS GLASS ALSO COUNTS AS A GLASS OF WATER, I WAS SO HAPPY!" Then the accidentally killed herself while using her toaster in her bathtub with her clothes on, and a plastic bag over her head, while swallowing lots of those little packets that say DO NOT EAT. SHE'S STUPID! Well, okay, she WAS smart enough to figure out that a glass of chemicals that you add your own water to HAS WATER IN IT!!! AND IT'S EVERY BIT AS NUTRITIOUS AS PLAIN WATER!!! ...but I still think she's a duh. -- K. Also, every glass of water counts as a negative glass of dirt! P.S. Please use the word "drupelet" in conversation, because I like to hear words I know. Other words you people should say more often: "iatrogenic", "tesselated", "dianoetic", "tmesis", and "Kibo". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jar Jar, fake and real at the same time! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 19 Jun 1999 03:34:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Qui Gon" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > [KA-ZOOSH! Kontext-Away whisks off the layers of meaning, diving under the skin of the conceptual onion to reveal...] > Is it just me or is the underwear section of K-Mart a swirling, > invisible mass of evil? [KA-ZONGA! Kontext-Away returns itself to its protective plastic case!] Also, what do you mean, INVISIBLE? Do you have some sort of rare vision defect which prevents you only from seeing underwear? If so, I hope it's contagious, because I watch a lot of HBO. -- K. I also hope it's not retroactive because William Shatner once performed in his underwear in a stage play.