Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: subject line of the day Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 22 Jun 1999 02:10:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.binaries.pictures.bodyart, "Michael" (michael@taxrice.com) wrote: > > Subject: 1999 Celebartion of Bdoy Art HOMER: Bart! Get in here! You're going to be late for your own celebartion! BART: Don't have a cow, man! HOMER: B'doy! I'm sorry, that was the best I could do on such short notice. I've only been reading and re-reading that subject line for the past half hour. -- K. CE-LE-BART, GOOD TIMES, COME ON! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 05:17:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Although you folks may have already seen this on the front page of the New York (com)Post, I'm behind on my pop-culture news, so I'll pretend this wire-services article just arrived: > > EL SEGUNDO, Calif. (AP) -- Mattel Inc. is changing the packaging > of its Tarzan action figure after some people said the doll's > movements were sexually suggestive. > Raising the right arm of the 12-inch-high ``Rad Repeatin' > Tarzan'' switches on a recording of his jungle yell. For the next 24 hours, I want everyone to call me "Rad Repeatin' Kibo". Then after that you can go back to "Unquestioned Leader Kibo". > The problem is that the spring-loaded arm can be pumped rapidly > up and down from Tarzan's chest to below his loin cloth, a motion > that some people call suggestive. IT'S SUGGESTIVE OF HAVING A PENIS THAT GOES ALL THE WAY TO YOUR CHEST!!! THAT'S SICK, DUDE!!! BUT COOL!!! > Although nobody has complained to the company, Tarzan's > performance has been noted in messages on some Internet chat rooms > since the doll reached stores about three weeks ago. Dear Mattel, Please don't listen to those morons in the other chat rooms. The nicer morons here in alt.religion.kibology want you to leave Tarzan just the way he is. We all love Tarzan and we promise to buy ten Tarzan dolls each if you just pay us some money. Equivalent to more than ten Tarzan dolls. We're not in this for a profit, so it doesn't have to be much more than ten, just MORE. Sincerely, Everyone on alt.religion.kibology. P.S. We all love Unquestioned Leader Kibo. > ``That right arm is the topic of controversy,'' Mattel > spokeswoman Sara Rosales acknowledged Saturday. ``I think this is > where adults look at things through a different set of eyes. Kids > have a much more innocent concept.'' > The $19.95 doll, a tie-in to Walt Disney Co.'s new animated film > ``Tarzan,'' is shipped in an open-front package That's an area I don't want to go into. > so kids can try out the toy Ditto. > before they buy. Ditto. And speaking of buying sex, the Salem Evening News kiosk (in Salem) has a sign on the side which says "TOOT FOR SERVICE". Wow, now they have ads for crack whores! (CUT TO STOCK FOOTAGE OF POPEYE'S SPECIAL LITTLE PIPE GOING "TOOT TOOT!") > No changes will be made to the doll itself. Kids will be allowed to play with the toy but only while blindfolded. > However, Mattel's retail service group is making sure the arm > will be secured in the package so it cannot drop below Tarzan's > waist while the toy is still in the store, Ms. Rosales said. A sticker will inform the kids that, because he's virtuous, Tarzan should only do THAT after he's married. -- K. Notice I made a crack pipe reference without any Marion Barry references. I never mention Marion Barry's name. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 21:59:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Proc (proc@something.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For the next 24 hours, I want everyone to call me "Rad Repeatin' Kibo". > > > > Then after that you can go back to "Unquestioned Leader Kibo". > > It should be "Heroic Unquestioned Leader Kibo" > So that the acronym can be HULK. > Then you can wear purple pants and run rampant through > the unwashed masses yelling "KIBO WILL SMASH!" > On the downside, you'd have to get bombarded with gamma rays, > but I think total sterility is a fair tradeoff for being able to > wear purple pants. I just like the fact that the Hulk, in his first issue, had GRAY skin. But then they saw him in printed form and realized "Hey! We're using four-color printing! Next issue we could make him a color that doesn't suck!" because the people who draw comic books can't see colors before they're printed because they don't have, like, colored pens and crayons and stuff. (James Thurber stole all their crayons. Then he used them to draw "Harold And The Purple Crayon." And then Harold drew the Hulk some pants. And ate some Mentos.) -- K. "Here's your ice cream, Kibo!" "RRRRRR!" It's the Incredible Kibo Instant Obscure Pop-Culture Reference! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 05:28:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joe Crawford (joe@artlung.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Here's your ice cream, Kibo!" > > > > "RRRRRR!" > > > > It's the Incredible Kibo Instant Obscure Pop-Culture Reference! > > (deliberates with College Bowl teammates) > Hmmmmmmmmmmm... > > Could it be a Letterman reference? > > Judges? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! The TRUTH about that APPARENT NON-SEQUITUR which really has DEEP SIGNIFICANCE: You see, back around 1979-1981 or thereabouts, there was this TV show starring this big green deaf guy, Lou Ferrigno, who could turn into the guy from "The Courtship of Eddie's Father" whenever he didn't get angry. (I always liked how whenever David "Not Bruce" Banner got mad, first he'd develop white contact lenses that covered most, but not all, of his irises, and then we'd see stock footage of one of the eight atoms in a molecule of DNA blinking on and off from the little light bulb we all have inside every one of our atoms, or at least the atoms that give us super powers.) One of the toys derived from this show -- if you haven't remembered the title yet I'll start humming the sad, somber, sappy one-handed piano tune that opened it every week -- was "The Incredible Hulk Instant Muscles". This was a green vinyl vest YOU could put on (under your torn child-size T-shirt) and then inflate so that you could bulk up in a flash, just by draping smelly green plastic pouches over your shoulders. The ads always showed the kid actually bending an ordinary garden hose, and then the other kid said, "HERE'S YOUR ICE CREAM, STEVE!" and the kid with the muscles crushed the ice cream cone and said, "RRRRR!!!!" And that is how pop-culture references are manufactured. -- K. AND THE ICE CREAM CONE... FEATURED IN THAT AD... WAS MADE BY A COMMERCIAL FEATURED IN MATT McIRVIN'S MOST TREASURED CHILDHOOD MEMORY TRACE... AND ITS NAME IS... THEEEEEE SNOOOOoOOOoOoOoooOOOPY SNOWWWWW COOOONE MAAAAAACHIIIIIIINE! PAAAAAAAAAAGE TWO! I'M JAMES BURKE, SITTING IN FOR RICH HALL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 20:03:37 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > This was a green vinyl vest YOU could put on (under your torn child-size > > T-shirt) and then inflate so that you could bulk up in a flash, just by > > draping smelly green plastic pouches over your shoulders. The ads always > > showed the kid actually bending an ordinary garden hose, and then the > > other kid said, "HERE'S YOUR ICE CREAM, STEVE!" and the kid with the muscles > > crushed the ice cream cone and said, "RRRRR!!!!" > > I am not ashamed to admit that I, a gurl, wanted this bulking-up vest thing. ^^^^ Please stop making fun of AppleEvents. The correct term is "singular of CHYX". Anyway, Stacia, I can understand why you wanted an inflatable chest to make the boys lust after you. But why GREEN? > > MATT McIRVIN'S MOST TREASURED CHILDHOOD MEMORY TRACE... AND ITS NAME IS... > > THEEEEEE SNOOOOoOOOoOoOoooOOOPY SNOWWWWW COOOONE MAAAAAACHIIIIIIINE! > > Kibo is really mean for bringing up, in one post, two things I wanted > most in my childhood. And I bought the last of the original Snoopy Snow Cone Machines a couple years ago. I tried to use it once. The stupid little revolving tinfoil grater has so much trouble shaving the ice cubes that by the time you've gotten a teaspoonful of shavings, they've all melted! > Things I wanted and got were: a Star Bird, Is that another name for an ethnic Sneech? > 6 different Barbies, a Blip (still works!), GEE, I'M SURE GLAD THE ELECTRONICS IN YOUR BLIP DIDN'T DIE. And now, my impression of Blip: (crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank) BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (one-second pause) KLIK BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (one-second pause) KLIK BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (one-second pause) KLIK BZZZZzzz...z...z... (crank crank crank crank crank) For those of you who didn't grow up in the seventies, "Blip" was the first handheld thing to pretend to be a video game (in this case, "Pong".) However, microprocessors hadn't yet been released to the public ("Pong" had discrete components such as transistors, no central processor) so "Blip" was entirely mechanical -- you could play it without the battery. It was wind-up. (It did take a battery, which just made the red LED on a stick -- representing the ball -- glow continuously, but you really didn't need the battery.) At each side of the board there were three buttons, and the ball could only ever go (VERY SLOWLY) towards one of the three spots on each side. If you didn't press button 1, 2, or 3 by the time the ball came firmly to rest there, it would stop and you'd have to turn up the knob which allowed you to keep track of your opponent's score. It required two humans with very slow reflexes and infinite tolerance for tedium. I think I got mine at the same time as Gnip Gnop, which was like Blip only faster and it balls that glowed in the dark. But it was easier to break. > and a Lite Brite. (CALLBACK TO A FEW YEARS AGO, ONE OF MY FIRST ARTICLES ON THE SUBJECT OF THE WEBTV) Lite Brite, makin' spreadsheets with li-i-ite! > Blip is really, really cool, and you can prove it to people by showing > them the box with the Digital RoboFont that spells "BLip". Dear Bee Lip, Stop buzzing at me. Go wind down. The "BLip" logo was presumably designed by the same guy who did those Danvers police cars that have square letters saying "PoLice". Spot took a tick bath! Po' Lice! > I will now sit back and wait for Kibo to bring up the recall of 87 > million kids' light sabers that heat to a dangerous level even when turned > off. I think it is more important to note that the same batch of government-mandated toy hazards, or recalls thereof, included every dive stick ever made. What's a dive stick, you ask? It's a hollow plastic tube (capped at the ends, with a Taiwanese pebble inside to make it slowly sink). You throw 'em into the pool and then it's supposed to be fun to take them out again. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A GAME FOR DOGS, ONLY FOR PEOPLE! Anyway, the stupid government is no fun at all because they're recalling all 19 million dive sticks ever made just because six people were -- and I quote -- "rectally impaled". And now I'm going to make Stacia cry by reminding her of the time they took away her lawn darts, and then I'm going to make Jeremy Reimer cry by explaining that the reason his Battlestar Galactica Cylon Warship's missiles didn't actually fire was that they used to and the government took them away too, because several kids were killed by Cylon missiles. -- K. I'm just sad because I never had any toys that the government took away! I was, however, the only person in the audience who identified with Harold Ramis's claim (in "Ghostbusters II") that "I had PART of a Slinky... but I straightened it." I ruined at least three Slinkies. For you kids out there, in MY day the things were made of spring steel, and Tinkertoys were WOOD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 21:55:52 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was, however, the only person in the audience who identified with > > Harold Ramis's claim (in "Ghostbusters II") that "I had PART of a Slinky... > > but I straightened it." I ruined at least three Slinkies. For you kids > > out there, in MY day the things were made of spring steel, > > Every time I got a Slinky, and played with it, it would somehow become > deformed. The steel ones, anyway. More recent plastic models seem to > be more durable; Because they don't stretch. Or bend. Or compress. Or walk. Or make a slinkety sound. Plastic Slinkies SUCK. There are only about 20 coils in one, compared to about 100 in a real metal one. They hardly stretch. And they don't go "ZING! ZING! ZING!" when you stretch them to six feet long and shake 'em to make standing waves. > we had this one orange and pink one with some life insurance company's > logo on the side that lasted months and months. They must be a good insurance company, they gave you a plastic Slinky. Someday I will own my own steel mill so that I can extrude a metal Slinky large enough that I will rule the world! I will ride my giant Slinky as it stomps on buildings! -- K. Also I promise to stop going to stores that sell the plastic ones and using a marker to cross the "t"s that used to be "l"s. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Butter? Parkay? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 05:42:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In a conversation the other day, I was trying to describe Fabio's > > aerosol butter, and instead of "aerosol butter", I said "inflatable butter". > > > > I like that concept better, especially if Fabio's not involved. > > Because of the mild hilarity that squirt butter has added to my life, I > had to respond. But, IHNJH. I would just like to interrupt this discussion to point out that that conversation -- which was "the other day" on the other day -- I was actually talking to myself in PRACTICE for a real conversation I was scheduled to have later that evening. With a person. Okay, it wasn't with a person. I was just rehearsing for the above article. Which was about how I was rehearsing for that article. Did I mention yet that today I got kicked out of a pet store for taking photos of their frog to make fun of on my Web site? I HAD TO PHOTOGRAPH IT! IT SAID IT WAS A "PAC-MAN" BRAND FROG! > I will, however, relate a SSC: on that MUD I talk about waaaaay too > often, there is an item called an "inflatable sheep." Every time I read > your quote about "do Kibologists dream of inflatable sheep?" I think about > the mud. > And yes, I read your quote often. At night. On fire. THE CLOWN! Every time I see a single article containing "IHNJH", "SSC", and "MUD" I wish there were an Internet acronym which stood for "BURNING CLOWNS SMELL FUNNY!" I think that acronym would be "PEZFLOTILLA". With a tilde on the double "L". > > This conversation was prompted by the "Professional carpet cleaning by > > Fabio" sign in the laundry room. > > Find a new place to live, and quick, before you need to get your carpets > cleaned. You have been warned. But I don't have carpets. Although there is some sort of fuzz growing on the floor. Especially around the still, and by the naturally-occurring pool of warm yogurt. -- K. WHAT COLOR IS THE SUN IN YOUR LITTLE APARTMENT? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mmmm ... cheesey. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 05:47:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Person 1: Hey, I never realised until very recently that you have had > no experience with cheese! > Person 2: I've had experiences which come very close to cheese. > Person 1: Yeah, but you've never actually had cheese. > Person 2: No. > Person 1: Wow. Have people been keeping it from you or something?? > Person 2: No, it's not as if I haven't had ample opportunity. > Person 1: Really?? Then WHY haven't you tried it?!? > Person 2: ... because it goes much deeper than that. > Person 1: Are you kidding me? It's CHEESE! EVERYONE loves CHEESE!!! > Person 2: Well mainly I'm just not into that one-night cheese thing. > I want to make sure It's available. I have rules about eating foods > that have to cross state lines. > Person 1: But you can get lots of cheese here!! > Person 2: Not the cheese I want. > Person 1: Carpe Cheese, my friend. > Person 2: Sheesh. Does your conscience EVER bother you? > Person 1: Nope. Cheese? > Person 2: NO! > Person 1: Come on! > Person 2: JESUS, NO! > Person 1: I HAVE GOOD CHEESE!!! > Person 2: I'm not hearing you! LA LA LA LA HMMM LA LA! > Person 1: C'mon ... one little nibble. > Person 2: No. Can we go get Chinese food now, please? Person K: Hey, you two bozos, don't fight over something as silly as whether or not you like cheese! Let's just agree to disagree because I'm right and you're wrong! Person 1: We're sorry, Person K. Person 2: Yeah, I'm "we're sorry" too, Person K! Person 1: Dearest Person K, please tell us how to feel about cheese. Person K: I'm sorry, I can't tell you how to feel about cheese because every atom of my being is currently occupied with a much more important matter. Person 1: Gosh! What atoms you must have! Person 2: Pray tell, what important matter are your atoms abuzz with? Person K: Hating cheese! (THERE IS A WACKY MUSIC STING, AND THEN AN ORANGE ASTEROID WITH THE WORD "CHEEZ" WRITTEN ON THE SIDE DESTROYS THE WORLD. GIANT TINY "RITZ BITS" CRACKERS SUBJUGATE HUMANITY WHILE WILSON BRYAN KEY YELLS "I TOLD YOU SO!" with a tiny word "SEX" written inside each letter "O". CURTAIN.) -- K. And the curtain is spelled with three "Y"s. WHOA, DON'T GO THERE, KIBO! (LAUGH TRACK) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: STOP PRESS! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 05:57:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > [ZOOP! ZOOP! KAZOOTIE! NEW IMPROVED KONTEXT-AWAY WITH NON-ONAMATOPOETIC NONSENSE WORDS ZOWIES AWAY ALL PESKY CONTEXT!] > DONNER PARTY ACCIDENTALLY OVERCHARGED FOR SIDE DISHES [KAZANGO! KONTEXT-AWAY RETREATS TO ITS RESEALABLE POUCH WHILE KIBO MOMENTARILY LEAVES THE ROOM TO STIR HIS HAMBURGER HELPER!] I just want to say that I would like to own a restaurant where the side dishes would all be really gloppy stuff, like mashed yams and squashed squash and NASA polenta, and all the tables would be solid cubes of wood, and the side dishes would be stuck to the sides of the tables, food-side-inwards. And the pineapple upside-down cake would be served inside a big pentagram chalked on the floor that made both gravity and time go backwards, making the cake really fun to eat. I mean, really fun to un-eat. While falling off the floor. WITH BLUEBERRY TOPPING IN THE MIDDLE! Ack! Where did that come from? Hey, someone used Kontext-Away on smjames's "with blueberry topping in the middle" quote! It removed all the context from HIS article and put it in MINE! Stop tossing your context over the fence into my yard, or I'll call the Internet Police! -- K. Call the Internet Police! Only $3.99 a minute after the first minute! NO WEIRDOS WITHOUT MAJOR CREDIT CARD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: You know, THIS is why it's worth paying for "four-star" news... Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 22:28:49 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp This week's batch of clari.news.bizarre articles: > Couple scams free penile implant (UPI) YAY! A NEWS STORY WITH "PENILE" IN THE TITLE! (oh, don't be so infantile.) YOU GOT YOUR PENILE IN MY INFANTILE! > Corpse Found on NYC Subway (AP) I'm sure the person who lost the corpse there was relieved. AND THE MEDICAL SCHOOL HONORS BANQUET PRANK WAS SAVED!!! > Corpse Rides Subway For Hours (AP) And sets a new record for visiting every subway station in the shortest time, thus spoiling NYC's favorite sport. (And their second favorite, touching the train while it's moving, because who would want to touch a train that had a corpse touching it?) > Help! Missing penis, or cock and bull...? (AFP) Didja look on the subway? > Man arrested after allegedly whomping girlfriend with tuna (AFP) CUT IT OUT, JIM HENSON! AND STOP EATING COOKIES IN OUR BED! > Old trick saves man's life (UPI) This is a great article about a man NOT getting hit by a train. It's great, I tell ya, great, to read an article about something NOT HAPPENING! > Noisy mobile chat leads to hair burning (AFP) Oh, that OmniPoint parrot's learned how to shout "FIRE!" in a crowded theater. > Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action (AP) In the great tradition of Associated Press "wink wink, nudge nudge" journalism. WHEN WILL THE AP COME UP TO THE HIGH QUALITY STANDARDS OF AFP? > Bull shot after charging down NYC street (UPI) Financial news bores me! > Chinese restaurants don't cook with rats or mice (AFP) Damn. Another story about something interesting that DIDN'T HAPPEN! Did I mention already that I got kicked out of the pet store yesterday for taking pictures of the Pac-Man style frog? While I was there to buy NATURAL MOUSE FLAVOR to review for my Web site? Mmm, tastes mousey! (No, I haven't tasted it yet.) > Cops Shoot Runaway Bull on NY Street (AP) It was fleeing from a Chinese restaurant kitchen after the mice scared it. Hey, at Lafayette Place mall, they used to have FREE-RANGE rats in the food court (upstairs). When I was at that mall, I always ate at the Taco Bell, because I'd rather eat pure Animal 57 than anything that ever had fur or legs. > Polish pensioner bitten to death by dogs (AFP) From AFP, more news you NEED to know! Getting back to the best news item this week: > TOKYO, June 19 (AFP) - A noisy conversation on a mobile phone > was too much for a Japanese man who decided to set fire to the hair > of the girl who was using the phone next to him, police said > Saturday. And that man... was... named... ARCHIMASU PRUTONIUM! > The 18-year-old student was sitting on a bench in Odawara, > southwest of Tokyo, late Friday, with her back to the man when he > pulled out a cigarette lighter and set fire to her pony tail, they > said. Remember the guy who used to post to Usenet about how much erotic he found the smell of burning loafers? I bet there are a few people who can only be aroused by the smell of burning hair. AND THEY ALL LIVE IN JAPAN! YOUR SHARE OF THE WORLD'S PERVERSION JAPAN 87% UNITED STATES 12% OTHER 1% CANADA 0% > The man, 46, told police he was "unnerved by her noisy voice." > The woman did not notice her hair was burning until she smelled > something and a passerby shouted to her, a police spokesman said. This is soon to become a Sesame Street segment titled "Having your hair burnt off doesn't hurt." > Although about 10 centimetres (four inches) of her pony tail > were burnt off the woman was otherwise unharmed, he said. Unfortunately, now her Spice Girls Bicycle Helmet With Super Ponytail Compatibility now just looks like A BIKE HELMET WITH A HOLE IN IT!!! -- K. Spice Girls. Bicycle helmet. I would have never guessed they'd know about PREVENTING brain damage. At Toys R Us, the stickers on the helmets say "SPICE GIRLS HEL". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ginger Spice dismissed as "dubious icon" by Philippine church Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 22:42:33 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp France's third most reliable news agency, AFP, wire-serviced: > > MANILA, June 16 (AFP) - Spice Girl turned UN goodwill ambassador > Geri Halliwell was dismissed as a "dubious icon" by a senior church > leader here Wednesday at the end of a brief visit that stoked > controversy over birth control. Damn! I bought one of those special IBM Selectric typewriters with a single key for "the", and a single key for "and", and a single key for "Spice Girl turned UN goodwill ambassador Geri Halliwell was dismissed as a "dubious icon" by a senior church leader here Wednesday at the end of a brief visit that stoked controversy over birth control.", but the darn AFP used the sentence before I could! > Roman Catholic Archbishop Oscar Cruz warned his flock to "be > continuously wary of shallow gimmicks such as dubious icons being > used -- presumably for the right fees and incentives -- to spread > dubious pronouncements." I think Mac OS 8.6 now supports dubious icons. They're somewhere between 27- and 38-bit, when they don't just disappear forever. > Halliwell, now fronting for the UN Population Fund, riled the > church during a three-day tour of the capital Manila in which she > touted condoms and safe sex and urged Filipino women to take control > of their bodies. I saw an ad for birth control pills on TV last night for the first time. It emphasized that they are reasonably effective at preventing pregancy AND THEY ALSO REDUCE ACNE!!! "Wow! Now I can have all the sex I want even though I'm a teenager with really gross acne!" > Cruz, the president of the Catholic Bishops Conference of the > Philippines, said in a statement he felt sad: "Eastern countries > like the Philippines allow themselves to be instrumentalized for > such manipulative Western ventures like population control by all > and any means." > Roman Catholicism -- a religion which has its roots in the West > and opposes artificial contraceptives -- counts the Philippines as > its primary bastion in Asia. > Nearly nine out of 10 Filipinos are nominal Catholics, though > birth control has been gaining adherents amid government warnings > that the 2.3 percent birth rate was economically untenable. > Earlier Wednesday another Filipino bishop suggested that > Halliwell, the former Ginger Spice, would be better off lecturing > Posh Spice and Scarey Spice on the evils of pre-nuptial > pregnancies. > The two members of the all-girl British pop group fell pregnant > before marriage. > "Before she starts proselytizing, would she please advise the > other members of her group," Bishop Teodoro Bacani said of > Halliwell. But... she's... not... in... the... Spice Girls... any... more. WHY DON'CHA KEEP UP ON YOUR ROCK MUSIC NEWS, BISHOP? By the way, I've decided that because I like rock'n'roll music (as in the "Happy Days" theme song) but not all that heavy-metal rock music they have nowadays (like the Spice Girls) I therefore would really like roll music. Would someone please invent roll music? Try not to let it have a beat or anything. Also they got those skinheads today, it's getting so you can't even go to the store, the President should make those skinheads get haircuts, my feet hurt, what's bacon? > Children born out of wedlock are frowned upon in the > Philippines. IT'S THE KIDS' FAULT THEY WERE BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK! BAD KIDS! > Bacani, interviewed on radio station DZBB, gloated over the fact > that Scarey Spice (Melanie Gulzar) and Posh Spice (Victoria Adams) > had "gotten themselves pregnant before she (Ginger Spice) came > here". GINGER SPICE GOT THEM PREGNANT!!! > He castigated the goodwill ambassador, a former game show host > in Turkey who posed topless in her youth Damn! Now I can't use the "former game show host in Turkey who posed topless in her youth" key either! > and was famous for a succession of revealing outfits during her time > with the Spice Girls, for her gall in preaching to Filipino Catholics. > Posh Spice plans to marry the father of her baby boy, English > football star David Beckham of Manchester United, next month. Her baby is a football star already? Wow. And I thought British football was supposed to NOT be a sissy baby game like American football. > Scarey Spice has since married Jimmy Gulzar, the father of her baby girl. And now he's known as Jimmy Scarey, the obnoxious comic actor best known for his "talking butt" routine and also writes children's books about talking worms who get made into candy canes! QUICK, BEN STILLER, KILL JIMMY SCAREY'S CAREER! > Halliwell was scheduled to leave the Philippines for London late > Wednesday, said a local publicist, who added Ginger Spice had "no > comment" on the church criticism. > Women's groups here however rose to her defense. I ALSO DEFEND HER RIGHT TO HAVE NO COMMENT! > "Contrary to some ideas, advocacy for the issues of sex > education, contraceptive use and safe sex does not promote abortion > nor lead to the eradication of our values," said Patricia Sarenas, a > member of the House of Representatives. > Sarenas, who belongs to a pro-women political party called > Abanse! Pinay, said Halliwell's new pursuit "makes individuals more > responsible and informed on their choices of sexual practices and > reproduction." > She castigated the Manila government for its inadequate support > for the promotion of women's rights, saying this has led to more > cases of battered women and exploited children. > Halliwell -- who quit the five-piece Spice Girls last year for a > solo career -- began her tour on Monday, her first official trip > after being appointed by the UN last October. > On Monday, she visited a clinic in Manila that promotes > artificial birth control methods, saying : "Everybody deserves to > have control of their life and that means having control of your > fertility." Especially if it's a remote control. Don't let the man get his hands on it or your Fallopian tubes will have to watch the NBA Playoffs. -- K. I like how they're "Playoffs" and not "games", because, see, they combine playing with offness. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.comics.sluggy-freelance,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: [OFF TOPIC] elder gods and Kibo two (was Re: A sluggy song) Date: Wed, 23 Jun 1999 23:13:04 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In alt.comics.sluggy-freelance, Damani Walton (damani@world.std.com) wrote: > > Christopher Lyons (clyons@radiks.net) writes: > > > > Tim Chew (twchew@raspberry.mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > Right, that's enough of that. There will be no summoning of the old > > > ones while I'm around. > > > > How about summoning Kibo? > > I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read that. I work with > Kibo. We had a good laugh here at the office over that one. Now all > that remains to be seen is whether Kibo will notice that his name was > mentioned in a random thread in a random newsgroup. He's done it > before. It would have been more impressive if you had summoned me WITHOUT mentioning my name. -- K. Some people can summon me without even posting. It's called CASH. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Suffering for my hormones Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 04:41:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Qui Gon" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > So, two days ago, I talked with a cute CHYK. Seems she now works at the Boston > Market [1] which is next to the Burger King I normally eat lunch at. > > [1] They serve maccaroni and cheese, chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and > stuff like that really, really fast. No they don't. They don't serve chicken. They never served chicken. AGREE WITH ME THAT THEY NEVER SERVED CHICKEN OR THEY'LL KILL YOU! THERE IS NO CHICKEN ALLOWED WITHIN FIVE HUNDRED MILES OF THEIR NAME! This is why they changed their name from "Boston Chicken" to "Boston Market". You know, "Kentucky Fried Chicken" became "KFC", and "Boston Chicken" became "BM". -- K. In record time, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Now comes the hard part. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 04:59:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fight the power, Nick. Spend New Year's Eve alone in a basement reading > > comic books. Unplug your clocks. You'll feel much better on 1 January > > and the young ladies do not have to know. > > Actually, that may be fun in itself. Getting to sleep right through > the whole [bleeeep] thing. I've thought long and deep and wide about the whole "Where do you want to go on Y2Kday?" issue, and I've decided that I will try to roam through as much of the city as I can with my digital camera and a fistful of batteries to gather as many photographs as possible for later blackmail purposes. Plus I figure the wimmin will be wearing even more bodypaint and less clothes than at Burning Man and therefore maybe I'll get to see some flesh, proving I use Photoshop to scrape off the layers of fender-detailing paint sprayed on tender, tender young skin. Other alternatives included posting to the Internet all night ("CIVILIZATION STILL HASN'T COLLPASED! MORE IN THIRTY SECONDS AT 10:47!") but I figure there will already be plenty of bozos doing that. (Along with the usual flock of "HEY WE'RE HAVING A MINOR EARTHQUAKE HERE RIGHT NOW!" and "I JUST HEARD DeFOREST KELLEY DIED!") I also thought about going to that party at Hef's, but I read the invitation closely and it wasn't *the* Hef, it was just Hef Combo, who had the leading "C" in his name stolen by Linus Pauling. -- K. Hef Combo and his pal, Mister Ood, got back at Linus Pauling by stealing his blue blankie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Now comes the hard part. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 05:49:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable "van" Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've thought long and deep and wide about the whole "Where do you > > want to go on Y2Kday?" issue, and I've decided that I will try to > > roam through as much of the city as I can with my digital camera > > and a fistful of batteries to gather as many photographs as possible > > for later blackmail purposes. > > Ahem. Excuse me Mr HULK d00d, but are you sure you've > thought long and deep and wide about this? Are you SURE > that your digital camera isn't going to EXPLODE when the > Year Two Thousand Virus infects it? IT MAY BE INFECTED > ALREADY!!!1! My Kodak DC210 Sort-Of-Plus, which I sold yesterday, was good until 2037 (like most things that aren't running Microsoft Anything.) My new Sony Mavica FD-91 goes up to 2079. I don't play to live that long, although I have made contingency plans to blow up the Universe if people give me a shot of immortality serum against my will. My VCR also appears to go up to 2037. My computer only goes up to 2019 (Apple likes to claim that Macs go up to "19,999" because Apple apparently figures they've got four digits plus a hidden secret extra "1", but the marketing people don't seem to understand the concept of the number of seconds in a 32-bit number.) However, the archives of my recent posts in the "Raw Data" section of my Web site (www.kibo.com) are very specifically given filenames like "99-06-23.txt" just to ensure that if the Y2K bug is real I'll get a piece of the fun when your computer explodes when you look at my site. > Please plan ahead and: > > 1. do NOT carry the digital camera near sensitive regions > of your anatomy (such as your Gentiles) because the > explosion could rip them off, and then where would > you be? It's okay, my gennies will be protected by what Sony calls a "semi-hard" case. This camera has a peculiar case shaped like a spiral-sliced ham, only without the spiral. The top and bottom are molded leatherette, and the sides are spandex-covered neoprene (i.e. wetsuit material.) In other words, the hard part covers the handgrips, and the spandex part covers the lens. The form- fitting ham-shaped case also has no pocket for a spare battery or the charger (fortunately batteries last a LONG time in this camera) and has a bizarre non-functional little padded flap in the bottom which seems to serve no purpose. And most importantly, the two attachment points for the shoulder strap are at diametrically opposite points connected by a line which runs directly through the camera's center of gravity. Need I mention that it's only held shut by a little piece of Velcro which tends to come undone when the case pirouettes around said center of gravity? > 1. carry an ANALOG camera to take pictures of your > digital camera exploding at exactly midnight. Before I got rid of my previous digital camera, I used the two of them to take pictures of each other. For my reference files. I don't own an analog still camera any more. I used to have an analog camera which was a cheap Taiwanese knockoff, but because it was an analog copy it was all blurry and so I got fuzzy gook all over my fingers. > 1. also take pictures of yourself crying when you > realise that you just lost hundreds of pron-o-graphic > pitchers of CHYX with bodypaint on when your digital > camera exploded. But my digital camera stores pictures on ultra-fast, ultra-high-capacity, ultra-reliable 1.44 megabyte floppy diskettes. Floppy disks last FOREVER, none of them has EVER failed under mysterious circumstances. (This is why exactly the same media is used in Zip disks, only with the data stored at 100x the data density to make them 100x more perfectly reliable.) > 1. And what's the deal with "digital cameras" anyway? > Is it a camera you wear on your finger? It sounds > like one of Maxwell Smart's secret gadgets! Every time Jan Ors yells "AUGH! TAKE OUT THAT MINOX!" in "Star Wars: Rebel Assault II", I reach for my spy camera and then I remember that I don't have it any more because I never worked for the CIA, never ever ever. -- K. I think there should be another spy camera called an Idil, and if you put your Minox in the same pocket as your Idil you'd wake up with hair on your private photos. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Now comes the hard part. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 05:02:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > KA-SPROING! KA-SPROING! KONTEXT-AWAY WITH SCRUBBING DISJOINTEDNESS SPRINGS INTO ACTION! > Wow, I was watching the Cartoon Planet marathon, too. But I've had sex > since then, KAPOKKITA-KAPOKKITA-KAPOKKITA-PEW-PEW-PEW! KONTEXT-AWAY VANISHES INTO THE SWIRLING MISTS OF WHEVER THINGS GO WHEN THEY'RE MOMENTARILY NOT NEEDED! I would just like to say that, every past New Year's Eve for the past ten years, I've had sex *while* watching the Cartoon Planet marathon. AND I DON'T EVEN OWN A TV!!! -- K. All lies, except for the part about Kontext-Away. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jaffo's Journal 990618 -- Reunion Fever Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 05:09:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Alex Suter (asuter@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > KA-ZING! KONTEXT-AWAY BLASTS THROUGH THE CLUTTER OF REALITY! > It's not the bugs so much as the doots.... KA-GNIZ! KONTEXT-AWAY REVERSES THE FLOW OF TIME AND TURNS INTO A BABY! Oh, great. So you're saying that I can stop worrying about civilization being destroyed by The Year 2000 Bug, because we need to worry about The Year 2000 Doot. Pardon me while I go erase my BIOS and fill it with Spackle. -- K. I still want to know whether Al Gore or Al Eisen invented the Year 2000 Bug. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jaffo's Journal 990618 -- Reunion Fever Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 05:18:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dammit, I was just trying to change the address used for my FTP program's anonymous password and the stupid FTP tool propogated it to Internet Config which propagated it to my Usenet newsreader which posted an article under the stupid nonexistant name I hate it I hate it I hate it!!! > James "Kibo" Parry (thisisnotmyrealnamelalalala@world.std.com) wrote: So now I'm mad at this software so I won't give it the satisfaction of reading my article about how the cop asked me to put random pedestrians under surveillance today BECAUSE I'M MAD AT MY COMPUTER SO I WON'T POST IT! -- K. Ever notice that 30 seconds into any conversation with a policeman, he'll ask where you live, and depending on your answer, the conversation could take a turn for the worse? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Landlord: The Mini-Series Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 05:35:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Here are some snippets of a note I found taped to my door today, > apparently placed there by my landlord. Please to note that the font was > 42-point Times New Roman on the header and 24-point Unknown Similar to > Times New Roman font in the body, Times Roman? Life? Concorde? Concorde Nova? Dutch 801? TmsRmn? TYME.DMF? Futura Black? > with lots of bold sprinkled throughout: > > ------- Clip 'n' Save --------------------------------------------------- > > THE GREAT PET EXPERIMENT IS IN GREAT JEPORDY! > > [Puppies are] expressly forbidden by your lease agreement. > > I WOULD SUGGEST THAT ANYONE THAT HAS ARBITRARELY BROUGHT PUPPIES INTO THE > COMPLEX MAKE ARRANGEMENTS TO REMOVE THEM IMEDIATELY OR FACE EVICTION. > > I CAN NOT ALLOW THIS PROBLEM WITH PETS TO CONTINEU OR THE EXCALATE. > > IF MY HAND IS FORCED, I WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO EVICT ALL DOGS FROM THE > COMPLEX. > > Indiscriminate barking not allowed. Neighbors take president. Any and > all damage charged to the tenant. YOU MIGHT WANT TO ASK YOURSELF. IS MY > DOG WORTH IT. So first there's a reference to Communism when your pets are compared to The Great Experiment, and then it says "TAKE PRESIDENT". I suggest you forward this to the CIA. Oh, wait, you don't have to do that, because I just said "CIA". They'll see it now. Hi, CIA! My favorite Communist-related misspelling today was CNN's airing of close-ups of those just-released letters Lee Harvey Oswald wrote to the Kremlin. His request for Soviet citizenship was addressed to "THE SURPREM SOVIET". So now we know that the ringleader of the vast conspiracy was crazy, Communist, AND semi-literate. -- K. And yesterday there was that sign saying that Belvidere street is now "COSED". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Landlord: The Mini-Series Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 08:30:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > [garbled rant tacked up by Stacia's landlord] > > > > So first there's a reference to Communism when your pets are compared > > to The Great Experiment, and then it says "TAKE PRESIDENT". I suggest > > you forward this to the CIA. Oh, wait, you don't have to do that, > > because I just said "CIA". They'll see it now. Hi, CIA! > > Holy shit. So, every time I post, the CIA reads it, because my very own > name contains the letters "C," "I," and "A", in that order? Yes, because you're VERY VERY SPEciaL. ciaO! > > My favorite Communist-related misspelling today was CNN's airing of > > close-ups of those just-released letters Lee Harvey Oswald wrote to the > > Kremlin. His request for Soviet citizenship was addressed to "THE > > SURPREM SOVIET". So now we know that the ringleader of the vast > > conspiracy was crazy, Communist, AND semi-literate. > > But that bullet thing he did, that was pretty cool. Bet Tiger Woods > couldn't do that with a golf ball. Yeah, but I hear that Ultra|United Games will soon be coming out with a game where you'll actually be able to control the Magic Bullet as it travels through John Horton Conway's shoulder (disrupting every group of four or more cells), orbits JFK's head twice, stops to read a J. G. Ballard story, pops a Mentos, and then slams into Bob Hope at five hundred times the speed of light while dispensing candy. It'll even have a mode where you can play as Scott Bakula as Lee Harvey Oswald, Bill Murray's brother as Jack Ruby, or even a Harvey The Rabbit vs Oswald Rabbit death-match mode. And those cute li'l rapscallions from "South Park" will show up when you least expect it! Many, many times! AVAILABLE SOON FOR THE SONY GAS STATION! > > And yesterday there was that sign saying that Belvidere street > > is now "COSED". > > Local commercials are the worst at spelling. Fox Business Systems has > an ad that states, "WHERE DO PEOPLE GO TO UPGRADE THERE COMPUTER". Bobby > T's lets you know that they've got "KARAKOEE" at their club. Heritage > Ridge "Appartments" is not only in "Manhatten" but is missing a few digits > of their phone number. I hope that they at least left in those important punctuation marks. I just can't dial a phone number if I don't know whether it has parentheses, hyphens, periods, or slashes between the machine-readable parts. I read them aloud when I tell people to call me! And I spell out all the numbers too! "DIAL PARENTHESIS ENN EYE ENN EE CLOSE PARENTHESIS TO GET OUT!" -- K. And to keep salesmen with auto-dialers from calling me, I changed my phone number to something with three plus signs in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Landlord: The Mini-Series Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 05:38:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Our commode isn't actually attached to the floor. blah blah blah blah CEILING blah blah blah blah UMBRELLA blah blah blah THE END! This has been the world's shortest article to require an apology. I'M SORRY. -- K. And at work today, I screwed up by sending out an apology for something I didn't even do! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.math,soc.history.science,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: documentary movie: Race of Fakes-- Prusiner in biology and Wiles in mathematics Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 24 Jun 1999 08:54:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh.duh In sci.med, sci.math, soc.history.science, and sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > I expect someone sincere about science to post with a full name. There > are and were many posters who get a fake name and then use that account > just to stalk and harass my posts. Yeah, like that moron who keeps posting ads for his used spandex ski suit with your E-mail address on them. You ought to track him down and sue him. Of course, it might be kind of hard, as he keeps trying to change the "real name" he's posting under, but the difficulty should be mitigated by the fact that he can't figure out how to operate his newsreader program. I mean, that guy must be a real loser -- I'm sure he's no smarter than you, Dr. Plutonium. By the way, Archie, given that you're King Of Science and you seem to be obsessed with the idea that you're the only one on the Internet who is posting under his full name, why is it that you haven't adopted a middle name? I mean, all the well-bred scientists have them. If you don't have a middle name yet, I suggest something that would be appropriate to place in front of Plutonium, such as Lead. > And you expect a mature conversation? I think it is time for you to > eject your brain and install a new one. ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM-INSPIRED ACID ROCK BAND NAME #17: Archie's Ejectable Brain > Or, better yet add 20 years on to your present immaturity So, Arch, in Plutonium Arithmetic, what's the dot product of immaturity and bozosity? And should I write it with brackets or curly braces around you? -- K. (A red light labelled "EJECT BRAIN NOW" begins flashing. A siren goes off. The camera zooms in and out rapidly while Japanese go-go dancers do the frug.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ars Grata Ars Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 06:53:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Rebecca Hunt (huntr@wam.umd.edu) wrote: > > Ooo! Another person who took creative writing has been let loose on the > world! In a similar vein, here is another sample of writing from > Baltimore. [the context: a pedestrian bridge collapsed over the Baltimore > Beltway during rush hour] > > "It is a crowded, concrete Internet where thousands of people share the > same road without knowing each other." > > Sigh. I prefer to think of the Internet as an analogy to a cream-pie throwing contest where instead of throwing the pies we're smearing them on the walls to spell out naughty words, and then driving is an analogy to the Internet being like a cable with data flowing through it only with cream pies. -- K. And then Walt Disney shoves you into a room filled with 5000 mousetraps loaded with cream pies that taste BAD. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Do they have insurance for being bozotic? Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 20:32:54 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > I just got a new credit card, and when I activated it, the recording > told me that I had a FREE thirty-day trial for credit card insurance. > > WOW! This insurance is really SUPER! I think I'll call them up and > tell them to give me some more! Why, during this thirty-day trial, > nobody has tried to steal my card even ONCE! > > Amazing. I feel cheated. I did buy the Bozosity Insurance and ever since then I haven't been bozotic. Of course, the terms of the policy require that I wear a necktie at all times. And it must be of normal dimensions and not have polka dots or a motor in it. Waah! -- K. On the planet Tralfamadore, everyone wears clown costumes all the time, and they go to the circus and laugh at people wearing gray suits! And then a trout driving a truck visits Morgan Fairchild aboard the Spaceship Surprise! Matt McIrvin will explain that. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Waah! My lettuce! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 00:55:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just yanked seven huge lettuce leaves off my two largest leaf-lettuce plants, and they're REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY BITTER! Ew! I hope this doesn't also happen when my bitter gourds come to maturity. -- K. Also, my okra plants now have teeny little okra pods! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Killer bees seen Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 00:59:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The United Press just telexed: > > JACKSONVILLE, Fla., June 25 (UPI) -- More killer bees have been found > at Jacksonville's Blount Island terminal. > The new swarm was discovered last week in a shipment of earthmoving > equipment arriving from Brazil. Meanwhile, a shipment of bee-moving equipment was found to contain dirt! > The Africanized bees are more aggressive than domestic honey bees and > can interbreed with them. Leading to mosquitoes in tiny white robes burning tiny six-legged crosses on their lawns. > Some killer bees were found in traps at the port in April, but the > recently arrived bees were unrelated to them. I'm glad to know that now the Mormons are keeping genealogical information for all the bees in the world. Of course, it's a shame the bees weren't all cousins of the ones in the other swarm 'cause then they wouldn't be allowed to interbreed. > The new bees have been destroyed. I hope we don't get any of those here on the Internet. DESTROY THE NEW BEES!!! -- K. We should fill the Internet with smoke until the newbies go to sleep. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Another commercial that just isn't going to work on me, ever... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 26 Jun 1999 01:03:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm supposed to eat "Oreo-Os" cereal because they make white dust come out of cows' nipples and cows hate that. Heck, I wouldn't eat Oreo-Os if they made white dust come out of Bob Hope's nipples! -- K. Whether he hated it or not! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 06:34:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.edu, sci.physics, and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > Hey, spiffy-cool new E-mail address! It's a shame you had to sign your own name next to it instead of someone else's, though. > My Internet posts cease sometime after 30 days starting 7JUL99, Really? Promise? > because > I am no longer an employee of Dartmouth College as of 7July99. I > officially You wrap lines the way I imagine that William Shatner would if he were here. And if he were an ex-dishwasher. (I think Mr. Shatner is still a dishwasher.) > resigned from Dartmouth on 24JUN giving them my 2-week notice, asking > them to please waive working those last two weeks. If they don't let you, just don't show up. What could they do, fire you? Hey, that would be better, because you might get severance pay! I think you should go for broke these last two weeks and try to get fired. Maybe you should act crazy or something. > I am having alot of trouble with Dartmouth..... > > And, I suspect that I have outgrown Dartmouth.... "When Archie sits around Dartmouth, he SITS AROUND Dartmouth!" > At this moment, 26JUN, I am extremely happy. I have released myself > to a newer freedom for the next ten years. > > The first thought on my mind is to take a world-wide vacation. > I deserve it after spending the past 10 years on working on the > worlds best physics, biology, and engineering. I plan to see most > of Europe where the great scientists of the past lived. I feel that > my next ten years will be more busier than these past ten and that > another vacation opportunity will not have such an open window. I would > like to post my travels on the Internet of this vacation of mine. Daily > or weekly of my experiences while seeing the land and people of the > great past scientists. I have heard that all of the countries are open > and safe except for perhaps Russia. I hope Russia is safe to travel in > because I would dread missing the home place of such greats as Euler > and Mendeleev. Perhaps someone can indicate to me whether Russia is > safe to travel in? Yes, Archie, Russia is particularly safe for you if you follow this simple advice: Wear a T-shirt that says (in Russian), "Hi, my name is Archimedes Plutonium, King of Science and Logic, you better not mess with me because I'm from the United States and I'll have NATO bomb your borscht-loving butts back to the Stone Age, YEEE-HAW!" and that'll ensure that they never, ever beat you up in the streets. > Today I signed up for a Yahoo account. That may suffice but I would > like to have another account. I'm sorry, but having a free E-mail account disqualifies you from consideration for any future Nobel Prizes. (YAY! I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO KEEP HIM FROM GETTING ONE!) > My second thoughts is that after this vacation of many months that > I will resume my work in these areas: > > (1) superconductivity > (2) Fusion Barrier Law > (3) carbon-fibre-human-skeletal-system > (4) human cloning > (5) starting the church-of-god-is-an-atom I think you should call the last one either "Scienceology" or "Christian Scientism" so that people would mistake your silly new religion with one of those relatively established, respectable ones. > I will work on all of those above. In the past ten years, it has > been all theory. The next ten years should be hands-on, experiment > and actual doing. > > I am deciding on what three newsgroups to keep my travel log of the > homesites of the world scientists. I would think that > sci.edu,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc will do. I suppose I will have > difficulty in accessing a free computer in many locations outside the > USA. Within USA many libraries have a computer. Ask Don Saklad for a list. > And my itinerary has already begun. I will need to go to Philadelphia > to see the "ghost of Ben Franklin" and since I am so close will either > do it before I depart Hanover or earlier. I think the terminology of > "ghost of ____" is a good terminology. I would like to stop at Univ > Chicago for the Millikan measurement of electric charge, but may forgo > that until after Europe and stop by Chicago on the way to the Pacific > Coast where one could call that rim the nuclear physics and > nucleosynthesis region and the first identification of plutonium. > Europe of course is the homesite of Quantum Mechanics with its many > "ghosts of QM". > New England is rather barren of science notables. HOORAY! So long, Archie, we'll miss you! > J. Gibbs from Yale > comes to mind but is not that big in the overall view. However, Harvard > is notable for one outstanding scientist, only the world knows him more > as a philosopher. But I will always think of him as Han Solo. * > That is a shame for his philosophy is the first great > scientific-philosophy. That is living a life based upon the methods of > science. He is of course Charles Sanders Peirce, and I should see > Dewey's and William James's ghosts. These are of course the > Pragmatists. > So, soon I will embark upon the travel/vacation of seeing the > "ghosts of science". ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM-INSPIRED SEATTLE GRUNGE ROCK BAND NAME #18: Archie Sees The Pragmatic Ghosts Of Science > I would like to share with the world community my > experiences and sensations as I visit these places. Oh, joy. We'll get to learn what kinds of candy you buy at every single 7-Eleven throughout northern Europe. (Soon, Archie will turn up in a Mentos commercial...) > Not so much factual data Yeah, completely different from your usual output. > but more of the sentiment, mystical, and religious value. I > remember a good book back at Utah State Univ in the late 1970s titled > Sciene and Sentiment in the USA or words to that effect. You know, one of those synonyms for "Sciene". Like "Resarch" or "Knawlej". > The theme of this vacation is science, but my reporting will be mostly my > religious feelings and thoughts, sentimental and perhaps even mystical. YAY! NEW IMPROVED WORD SALAD, NOW WITH SENTIMENTALITY! > One of the world religions has a tour as a major part of that > religion. The tour to Mecca. Archie visits Mecca, becomes a Muslim, becomes the next Cat Stevens, film at 11. > In a sense I have called this tour my vacation, but in another sense > I should look upon this tour as my religious right and duty to God > to pay homage to the world's scientist for God is science itself. HYMNS ARE THE PERIODIC TABLE OF RELIGION! > The words of science is God's very best words and prayers. And the > knowledge of science is the knowledge of God itself. > > So, I hope that on my tour to see the "ghosts of science" that > computer access is available along the way. And to report to the world > for future what I felt, saw and dreamed upon this journey. Arch, have you considered that maybe, just maybe, you'll wish you kept that high-paying dishwasher job to have enough income to afford a ten-year-long tour of the civilized world? -- K. * (Yes, Harrison Ford has a Master's from Harvard. Hey, Archie, maybe it works in reverse -- if you snuck into the cast of "Star Wars: Episode II", maybe then someone would give you a degree.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 06:41:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium [I know I just responded to this article, but I forgot to add my sincerest well-wishes for a trip to everywhere except New England, and I thought of something else mean to say.] Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > My Internet posts cease sometime after 30 days starting 7JUL99, > because > I am no longer an employee of Dartmouth College as of 7July99. > > [...] > The first thought on my mind is to take a world-wide vacation. > [...] > New England is rather barren of science notables. Yeah, all they had was that crazy Plutonium guy, and I hear he's leaving. > [...] > > So, I hope that on my tour to see the "ghosts of science" that > computer access is available along the way. And to report to the world > for future what I felt, saw and dreamed upon this journey. And I would like to re-iterate my wishes, AS SINCERELY AS I AM CAPABLE, that you have a happy, healthy, enjoyable, and safe ten-year vacation, you super-genius King of Science you. -- K. I bet he's still living at Dartmouth in two weeks. Let's formalize it: If Archie is still anywhere near Dartmouth in two weeks, I will pay everyone on the Internet a million billion zillion dollars. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,soc.history,sci.physics,dartmouth.talk.kiewit,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: HOW TO UP THE CHANCES OF WINNING A NOBEL Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 06:56:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.edu, soc.history, sci.physics, sci.systems, and dartmouth.talk.kiewit, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Subject: HOW TO UP THE CHANCES OF WINNING A NOBEL Wow, these Bingo prizes are really getting big. > [...] > > I am a nonconformist and can tell you what it is. To give an > example, most people here at Dartmouth will complain about the clothes > I wear. For example I wear alot of goretex clothes. Whereas we non-conformists just complain about the people inside 'em. > The reason I do that is because when it rains, I never worry about > getting wet and I never worry about antique things such as umbrellas, > carrying umbrellas around. And I wear a goretex shell Archimedes Plutonium-Inspired Death Metal Rock Band Name #19: Archie's Gore Texshell > sometimes buttoned only at the neck ...and the policeman yells, "PUT SOME PANTS ON, DAMMIT!" > so that it looks as though I have a cape on, but that is only because I > am too hot otherwise and it is too bulky to put in my backpack. Also it's a lot less crazy to have a PRETEND cape than to walk around in a REAL cape. So next time the nice men in white coats accost you, point out that it's not REALLY a cape, it's just a Gore-Tex windbreaker with plutonium atoms drawn on it in magic marker. > So, logically and reasonably, umbrellas should seldom if ever be seen on a > campus such as Dartmouth. But umbrellas are okay for those schools where students don't wear Gore-Tex at all times. You know, like beekeeping school. > So, the professors of Dartmouth would look at me and laugh. I think the solution's simple. Study under a blind professor. Also don't be crazy. > And I would look at all the professors of Dartmouth, who > none of which wears a goretex shell or parka simply because they "must > conform to all the other professors at Dartmouth" and wear their gray > suits and carry around umbrellas. The clothes I wear, I am ready for > any type of weather, but the clothes they wear is to conform one to the > other. Hey, Arch, I don't carry an umbrella *or* wear Gore-Tex 'cause I'm even less afraid of the rain than you. You can therefore mail me your King Of Science trophy for my mantel. Which is *not* made of Gore-Tex. (Gore-Tex doesn't make good mantels. At least not over actual fireplaces.) > Tesla is a fine example of nonconformity and also, why was Edison > and Tesla denied the Nobel? Maybe because of their lousy grammar? > Those two are two of the biggest Nobel mistakes. Perhaps it was because > Tesla and Edison were such nonconformists not only in science but in > their personal lives that their nonconformity prevented the Nobel Committee > from rightfully honoring their great achievements. Yes, it's clear! Edison and Tesla were denied the Nobel because they wore too much Gore-Tex! I curse Edison for having invented Gore-Tex! -- K. Remember back when that Jerry Seinfeld guy was on TV, and how he got a whole show out of the concept "SAYING 'GORE-TEX' A LOT IS FUNNY!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,sci.physics.fusion,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: proving soft landing Mercury onto Earth Re: how close are we to getting breakeven? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 27 Jun 1999 07:13:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium (You know, Archie's and Alexander Abian's mad games of three-cushion billiards with the planets of the Solar System are so silly they make Velikovsky look completely realistic, like "Space: 1999".) In sci.astro, sci.physics.fusion, and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Newtonian Mechanics are reversible, perhaps one of the few beauties of > NM. And Newton's universal law of gravitation is reversible. Take a > helicopter at rest and then fly it off somewhere. But it takes so long to get anywhere while flying a helicopter which is at rest. > We can reverse the Newtonian Mechanics in that helicopter and fly it from > off somewhere to soft land at the desired spot. We can soft land it as soft > as you want or hard-soft (a little quickier landing with a few bumps. Well, sure, YOU can land it with a few bumps, but what about the rest of us whose heads don't have weird bumps? > But anyway, if a soft landing of Mercury upon Earth were impossible > in theory and practice as Tutt said, and declared in several posts last > year and as the gawkers all screamed and shouted that a soft landing is > impossible. But they all admitted it was a really, really, really smart idea. > Well, if impossible then Newtonian Mechanics and his universal law > of gravitation are *not reversible* but they are reversible. That is > about the simpliest proof that soft landing of Mercury upon Earth is > possible both in theory and in practice. Fine, go practice landing planets on each other. Come back when you've soft-landed ten planets in a row and we'll let you try with some of ours. > And also, I must mention that looking through the literature and the > search engines, that I am the first in human history to suggest, > promote, prove and envision a soft landing of planets and asteroids and > other astro bodies upon Earth and other astro bodies. ...and then Nolan Bushnell changed Archimedes's name to "Asteroids Plutonium" and made another million dollars. * > I believe this good turn was given to me because everyone of the 20th > century had their attention diverted to dinosaurs killed by asteroids. Arch, it was so selfish of you to kill all those dinosaurs just so you could distract people for an entire century to steal that pie from my windowsill. > And once those minds had been so polluted with one extreme, those minds > could not shift 180 degrees into the opposite direction of wanting and > figuring out beneficial collisions. Of actually thinking and computing > soft landings. > > Moon would be easier than Mercury because the Roche limit will break > it up and then we can harvest the bits and pieces. The Moon fragments > would probably be handy for building Oceanic Dams and perhaps as a > shield and perhaps as a spacestation. So big kids play with Lego, and little kids play with the bigger blocks in Lego Duplo, and very little kids play with the huge rounded blocks in Lego Primo, so presumably really, really, really infantile neonates would want to build things out of enormous rounded chunks... -- K. * Originally the point of "Asteroids" -- which was then known as "Planet Grab" -- was to land on all the space rocks to claim 'em. P.S. My theory is better. It says: WE MUST SOFT-LAND THE EARTH ON THE MOON!