From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Article #250,000 is coming up soon... Date: 28 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com alt.religion.kibology has now carried above 248,000 articles since its inception in 1991. Because a quarter of a million is a magic number (it's the EXACT distance to the moon, at least until Martin Landau blows it up on September 13, 1999) I plan to give the 250,000th article special recognition by saying "HEY! YOU JUST POSTED THE 250,000TH ARTICLE! AND I WANTED TO DO THAT! I HATE YOU!" So keep right on doing whatver you're doing, and I'll tell you in a week or two when we hit 250,000. -- K. #200,000 was by Jen. #1 was by me. Therefore, I win. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Huh? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 07:37:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor From the Canadian Board Of Tourism's Web site: > Weights and MeasuresÊ > Canada uses the metric system of weights and measures. > > * A litre of milk is equal to slightly less than a quart of milk > (1 litre = 1.057 quarts). Aside from the questionable grammar of saying something is "equal to... less than" something else, am I catching Bob Hope's senility, or does Canada actually use the Double Special Bizarro Backwards Metric System? I think I want to change all my dollars into liters of milk and then go to Canada, I'll be RICH!!! Or at least calcium-rich. -- K. Are those avoirdupois or Troy quarts? If they're from Troy, I'm not putting 'em in my mouth. Troy is like Schenectady only without the charm. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Modem escape sequences. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 05:37:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.dev.null I can't believe people have only just rediscovered the joy of saying +++ATH0 on the Internet after forgetting about this LARGE AND OBVIOUS MINOR SECURITY FLAW for a full ten years. Fortunately, it only affects CHEAP modems, so I can say it here. -- K. You people all use ADSL to be cool, right? I'm still using ATM, because I don't like TrueType. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Modem escape sequences. Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 21:19:57 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp "Dr. Aaron I. Allensworth, Yh.B.T." (doctoraaron@gci.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I can't believe people have only just rediscovered the joy of saying > > > > [super-secret code: see note below] > > Hey, CUT THAT OUT! > > NOTE BELOW: Okay, you got me; I tried sending this thing twice, and > each time it kept resetting my modem connection. This is either a very > funny trick or a really fukken freaky coincidence. You know, when I connect to the Internet, my modem goes "WHEE-OOO WEEDLE WEEDLE ***BONG!*** ***BONG!*** HISSSSSSSSEEEEEEEE" but I gather yours goes "CHEEP! CHEEP! CHEEP!" "E Teflon Piano" (rgriffiths@ubmail.ubalt.edu) wrote: > > It's a patent-protection device installed in your modem, like a V-chip > or the way DVD players only work on DVD disks from your hemisphere. > Issac Hayes owns the patent on plus plus plus ATH oh and if your > modem-maker didn't pay royalties, you don't get to use pluses. He'll just have to make plus signs out of ASCII art. Like this: | --+-- | See? I made my own plus sign. If you use it be sure to put my copyright notice on it: --> Imitation plus sign Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry. <-- The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I can't believe people have only just rediscovered the joy of saying > > > > +++ATH0 > > > > on the Internet after forgetting about this LARGE AND OBVIOUS MINOR > > SECURITY FLAW for a full ten years. > > > > Fortunately, it only affects CHEAP modems, so I can say it here. > > I wonder why it never affected mine. When I mudded on a 1200 baud modem > made in the 1930s, people would shout all those plus signs and others > would get hung up on but not me. Guess it was all that extree added > security of a Commodore 128. Yes. That's because in those days it wasn't a CHEAP modem like Aaron's. A Commodore 128 cost $128 but the 1200 baud modem cost $1200. The way REAL modems deal with this is they either (a) ignore "+++" strings sent from the wrong side of the modem or (b) ignore "+++" strings unless there is a delay before you type the rest of the command. In other words, (a) is supposed to keep your computer from exploding if I mail you "+++ATH0" and (b) is supposed to keep Aaron's computer from exploding if he replies to that message to let us know that (a) is protecting him. I think nobody worried about this the past few years because they were thinking, "Oh, everything's broken up into packets these days, and it's all compressed, and ROT-13's, sending someone a ping packet with "+++ATH0" in it couldn't possibly make the modem actually do "+++ATH0". And if it did, so what? Most people on the Internet use those futuristic phones that can never ever be made to hang up. Not even through a computer." -- K. Orange you glad I didn't say +++banana? And aren't you glad the word "banana" isn't spelled ay tee dee tee nine one one? ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My favorite international standards bodies. Date: 28 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology I was poking through some Web sites related to international standards (because I want to make alt.religion.kibology ISO 9000 certified) and came across these: ICC -- International Association for Cereal Science and Technology (I presume they're the ones that limit the amount of sugar in American cereals to 90% by weight.) OIE -- International Office of Epizootics (But what about the International Office of Epibozotics?) IIR -- International Institute of Refrigeration (It's really a front for Mr. Freeze's plan to chill the world.) Well, I was just thinking that if I can't afford to have alt.religion.kibology become ISO 9000 certified, I should just start my own silly international standards organization. Perhaps the International Bureau of Kibological Oversight (KIBO) or the Universal Congress on Proper Kibology (UPChK). (The acronyms can be made to work in French, a language which exists solely so that international organizations don't have to make their English names match their initials.) Whatever organization I form, it would standardize and certify things like what it means to be a Kibologist at Blue Level, etc. -- K. So, start paying your dues. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.stupidity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My trenchant observation about advertising: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 08:03:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology My ad-related comment for today is: DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH. Amazingly, the DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH isn't about something an advertisement did. I haven't even seen the advertisement in question. I have no opinion about it. The DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH is about TV Guide (which merits at least two DUHs alone, because, hey, it's TV Guide) and, more specifically, it's about TV Guide's "The 50 Greatest Commercials Of All Time" issue. Even more amazingly, the ad-related DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH isn't about "The 50 Greatest Commercials Of All Time". It's about Phil Mushnick's *sports* column, where he whines that people are allowed to play violent video games that he doesn't want to play, and more specifically, people are allowed to advertise the games that he doesn't play. Most specifically, he complains about... "an animated print ad" which he once saw. Uh... DUH? DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH? EARTH TO PHIL MUSHNICK: HANNA AND BARBERA DON'T ANIMATE IN MAGAZINE FORMAT. Never, ever trust a cultural critic who thinks cartoon characters run around on their own after being printed with four-color halftones. Also never trust a guy whose job it is to write about football and hockey and boxing who complains that some video games have some violence in them. -- K. PEOPLE LIKE THAT SHOULD BE TAKEN OUT AND KILLED! IN AN ANIMATED SNUFF POLAROID! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,talk.philosophy.misc,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 4JUL99 Reincarnation Experiental Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 01:36:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology [Warming: This article contains over 300 product placements for junk food.] In talk.religion.misc, talk.philosophy.misc, sci.physics, and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I look upon this trip or journey more as a Mission, not a vacation. I > suspect that I will not have time in future years to do such a journey. > And more important is that it will give future generations a template > for their religious mission or journey. Oh, you've already given us a template -- we can trace around your head to make perfect circles. > And I aim to talk more about senses and feeling rather than > science/facts/theory. And what better way than to talk about food. And what better way to talk about food than to talk about food in science.facts.theory. Oh, it's a shame that newsgroup doesn't exist so that Archie could talk about his fondness for blueberry waffles there and then discuss his "Plutonium Atom Totality" theory in the food newsgroups. > It is food that is one of my longest lasting memories not where I slept. Maybe you should try sleeping in food. I think maybe you'd enjoy rolling around in a pile of cooked spaghetti with chunky marinara sauce. If you like that idea, we can start a petition to get you on Nickelodeon's "Super Sloppy Double Dare". (As they say at the end of every episode, "Food used on 'Double Dare' is food that is no longer edible!" ...especially after Archie's rolled around in it.) > And although I have not yet departed Hanover New Hampshire, BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS!!! > I am going to report whilst still here. DANCING BEARS! DANCING BEARS! I AM BLINDED BY THE TEN MILLION GLOWING SPARKLING EXPLODING DANCING BEARS OF EXTREME OBVIOUSNESS!!! > Before I depart on the road of this Mission, I have to take care of > details here. That should take me up to the end of August. Alot of > computer stuff and also I have to square-away my material possessions. > The material possession sell off is nothing new to me for I have had a > similar experience in 1987 and then around 1975. In my 1987 experience > I reduced my material possession down to 4 large boxes and 1 bicycle. > Now, I would like to reduce my material possession down to 3 large > boxes and 1 car. Archie... has... a... car? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! > I am happy to report on this Independence day 1999 that my sell-off > is going better than expected. The worst two categories are books and > clothing. Oh, yeah, clothing's your worst category. > Books are not easy to sell and when sold it is lucky if you > get any decent price. Clothing has the handicap of size ...especially in your case... > and people usually do not care to buy second hand clothes. ...especially in your case. > But the new thing about this sell-off from 1987 or 1975 is that I am > using a new medium-- Internet and it is working well. However, if worse > comes to worse and I cannot get rid of what I want to get rid before > Sept, then I will just box all of it up and sell it after I return from > Europe. Another option is to donate or give away the books and > clothing. Perhaps an impoverished local dishwasher would be willing to accept such a donation, assuming there is such a thing as a small-size dishwasher willing to wear clothes with giant plutonium atoms drawn on them in magic marker. If so, this would prove that your cloning experiments were successful. Of course, this assumes that Dartmouth replaced you with another guy, and didn't just buy something made by General Electric. > And this sell-off may seem like a hassle or chore or work or anxiety > to get to a condition of less material objects, but one thing I can say > in favor of it, is that it is better to have something to be able to > sell and make some money from it rather than to have nothing to sell. GENIUS! GENIUS! AUGH! MY EYES! THE DANCING BEARS ARE IN MY EYES!!! > [...] > > Reincarnation has patterns. In 1987 I sold a Toyota, diesel pickup. > Will I buy another Toyota when I return from Europe? In 1987 upon > departing for the Caribbean I had 2 bicycles shipped. Will I depart the > USA after selling off all my bicycles or will I keep 1 or 2? Why not just store the extra cars and bicycles on that island you own? > Before I went to the Caribbean, I was resting in Fort Lauderdale and > decided to get some better glasses because of the glare and sun. And, > recently to make use of my Reimbursement Account I was going to have a > mold frozen off but changed my appointment and now it is too late. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired episode of "The Archies" #20: ARCHIE HAS HIS MOLD FROZEN OFF > [...] > But, let me talk about food. After I resigned, I lost some weight and > now I am happy to say that I am at the weight that I was whilst in High > School. Experience, too. > I believe the source of the problem was that in the past > several years with stress at work and free food, that the food was a > tension relief. Sort of like a cigarette habit. Yeah, Arch, you'll live a lot longer if you give up food. > So, now I am back to 57-58 kilograms steady. If you are in a work > environment that is stressful and you do not smoke and there is plenty > of food available, then you probably gain alot of weight. And if there is a big robot that keeps shoving birthday cakes into your open mouth, you will probably gain even more! Genius! > It is uncomfortably hot this summer in Hanover New Hampshire, and I > have developed a new habit. I buy a lemon and lime per day and make a > sweetened drink of them. Before I used to buy 2 or 3 oranges. But I > have not eaten oranges in a long time. And I am enjoying these Journey > root beer sodas. Journey John Barleycorn of extract of malted barley > and essence of wintergreen. Journey Great Northern of extract of > bourbon vanilla and star anise. Arch, we really don't need to hear about your star-shaped anise... Kurt Vonnegut does this better than you. > Journey Doctor Whatever of extract of cola nut and herb and spice blend. Dear Doctor Whatever, You are a real-er scientist than Archimedes Plutonium. Please do more episodes with Daleks. Your greatest fan, Kibo > Journey Desert Sage of extract of desert sage. And Journey Ancient Cola > of real extract of cola nut, Archie knows a real nut when he sees one. > Asian herbs and spice brew. My favorite is the Desert Sage and what I > do is put a bottle into the freezer for 1-2 hours just enough to get > slushy ice. And like a few days ago I had a cheeseburger with ample > pickles and tomato on a sourdough bread with this ice cold drink. The > taste was great. However, I could have improved on the cheeseburger > with a charcoal grilled. I love my meats carmelized over a charcoal > grill. But a charcoal grill takes time. And yesterday I had a Sarotti > marzipan bar that I gulped down in a few minutes. A long time since I > had one of them and it seems as though my body craves chocolate and > that I just cannot stay away from chocolate for any long periods of > time. Yesterday I had for supper 2 fish sandwiches with Bookbinder > brand tartar sauce and with 2 large glasses of fresh squeezed lemon > juice with raw sugar. These days for dessert I seem to crave Jello. At last, proof Archie is a wacko -- HE CRAVES JELL-O! Arch, I'll let you in on a secret: NOBODY craves Jell-O. That's why they have to wait until you're in the hospital with half your innards missing to trick you into eating it. > I get the white wine or mandarin orange flavor that asks you to mix in > carbonated fruit water with the jello. I like the result because the > Jello has a zesty bite to it. MMM, ZESTY GARLIC FLAVOR JELL-O! > And to the Jello I add the cream topping of Stonyfield whole milk yogurt. > With the remainder of the yogurt I eat it later with a can of pie cherry > filling. > > For mornings I like to eat, lately, 3 microwaved scrambled eggs for > which 2 have the yellows removed, with Fred Imus mild salsa and fresh > lime juice sweetened with raw sugar. Imus... Plutonium... Imus... nope... I just can't get the two of them jammed into the same part of my brain at the same time. I'd have to say that nobody with the last name 'Imus' is as unlikable as you. -- K. I like how occasionally Archie can withhold talking about his marzipan habit for a week at a time, and so he saves it up until he's forced to blurt out a week's worth of high-calorie logorrhea. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,talk.philosophy.misc,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 5JUL99 Reincarnation Experiental Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 07:06:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In 4 newsgroups, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Today was my 49th birthday. No big deal, and no fuss. HAPPY!!!! BIRTHDAY!!! ARCHIMEDES!!! Let me know if the package I mailed you doesn't arrive, ever. > In fact I spent the day doing laundry and the tediousness of ironing. Yeah, it's not fun like washing dishes or anything. > This summer has been unusually hot for New Hampshire ...but the rest of New England is chilly. > and this heat has reminded me that I should not relocate and make my > new home in hotter climes. REPENT YOUR SINS NOW!!! > Today I was thinking about where my new home may be. I was thinking of the > Western US where I spent a bulk of my life. I like the West of Arizona, > Utah, Colorado, Wyoming and Montana. But I thought of another new > homeplace. For some reason Halifax Nova Scotia comes to mind. It has > alot of advantages for it is between Europe and USA. It is cool year > round and it is a main transportation link. I just hope it doesn't have much Internet access. > By September I embark upon this Mission of visiting the major > scientists. And today I searched the web for information on travel. > Question: how well is the Euro dollar working, in that I will not need > to exchange every country I enter. Archie is smart to use Euro Dollars and not regular Euros. > And I looked at the price of a EuroRail Pass for 3 months, and it is > roughly $1500? Is that American or European dollars? > I suppose I have to get it here in the USA. Yes, and to get your Amtrak pass, you'll have to go to Geneva. > Question: does that include sleepers or couchettes? (mental image of tiny people inside Archie's brain) TINY ARCHIE #1: Gee, I can't figure out which trains have sleepers just by looking at this Amtrak schedule on the Web. TINY ARCHIE #2: Maybe you should call Amtrak and ask someone. TINY ARCHIE #1: Naah, let's just ask all the scientists and philosophers around the world on the Internet. I'm sure all scientists know more about Amtrak than an Amtrak employee would. TINY ARCHIE #2: You're right. Why, I bet even Michael Dukakis would know more about Amtrak than an Amtrak vice-president would. TINY ARCHIE #1: Quick, to the WebTV! (the two tiny Archies link arms and dance a happy jig.) > And I looked at the price of a Greyhound 30 day unlimited for roughly $400. Yeah, and it's unlimited so you could take it around the world. Go around the world by Greyhound. Don't forget to write. (I think Bonanza buses are better than Greyhound. Or for you, maybe you should ride Peter Pan.) > I tried to find a rough price for a ship from New York to Europe but > could not find any. Anyone know where to search for ship passage. Or is > ship travel no longer existent and that everyone is forced to airplane > between continents? Yes, Arch, everyone is forced to airplane between continents. Especially between North and South America, and between Europe and Asia. > Can someone help me as to what to look for ship travel, I get these holiday > cruise ships, but I just want to transit by ship not airplane. Arch, I admire your gumption in that, instead of asking a travel agent to find a ship for you, you're asking the entire Internet to ask a travel agent for you. Have you considered walking to your local mall? Or at least going down the hall to borrow your neighbor's Yellow Pages? > I saw some airplane fares for round trip from NY to London for about $400. For you, Arch, I would recommend the half-way trip. > But back to the present day chores. I have to straighten-out my > material possessions, and I reckon I have 1/2 of it done. The main > things now are the books and clothing. When I arrived at Hanover some > 10 years ago I had 1 bicycle and 4 large boxes of material possessions. > That was all of my worldly possessions. Those 4 boxes I had mailed > after I found a place to live. At this moment I have 2 bicycles and > about 8 large boxes. In those 10 years I accumulated. And now I have to > trim and pare that down to 4 or 5 large boxes. Easy. Get bigger boxes. DUH!!! > One thing I say to myself, though, it is better to have some objects > to sell and to gain money than to have just 4 boxes ready to go. > Because I can always just donate/give-away or even throw in the trash > to get me down to the desired 4 boxes. > > And the idea of a new vehicle when I return from Europe. A new > vehicle to take my 4 boxes and 2 bicycles. If past history is an clue > to what I will do, then I probably will end up with another Toyota pick > up truck. Only this time air conditioning is mandatory. (We see the inside of Archie's cavernous brain, lined with icicles.) TINY ARCHIE #1: Hey, I can't turn off this air conditioning! TINY ARCHIE #2: That's because it's MANDATORY air conditioning! TINY ARCHIE #1: Waah! It's December! (Snowflakes shaped like plutonium atoms fall inside Archie's brain.) > And today I was thinking of whether any of the great scientists > travelled much. I suppose Democritus, if we can believe any of his > writers, was a avid traveller. And Democritus was portrayed as the > jovial, laughing, good-natured scientist. And in the Atom Totality > theory, rebundled photons do not necessarily have to always be with one > person. Thus, I maybe a reincarnation of Archimedes for the past 10 > years of 1989-1999, but for this trip of 6 months I maybe the > reincarnation of Democritus's photons/neutrinos. Then why aren't you taller? And Greeker? > I maybe the good-natured jovial Democritus of Ancient Greeks now in > the year 2000 travelling around Europe and the new World. I suppose > most of the famous scientists were travellers, especially the Quantum > Mechanics physicists of Bohr, Pauli, Heisenberg, Fermi. However, the > early scientists of Maxwell, Faraday, Newton were not travellers. Yeah, Newton avoided travel like the plague! > So, in the past few weeks my mind has been on science but also on the > selling and paring down of materials and my mind has been on new plans > and transitions. I suspect that not until sometime next Spring of 2000 > will I be settled down somewhere and to devote my full attention back > to science. Science requires settled and restive environment. Not an > environment of on the go, where your mind thinks of sights and where to > go and what to do and where to eat and where to sleep. But the mind > also needs variety and a long travel such as this will put variety into > my mind. Remember, variety's the spice of the hole in your head. -- K. I can imagine Archie travelling across Europe, spoiling dozens of Mentos commercials... ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An unanswered question about toilet paper Date: 28 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com In alt.folklore.urban, Marc lePine (marcl@subutil.com) wrote: > > Is it harmful to blow your nose on toilet paper? Depends on what's coming out of your nose. -- K. And whether a Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue lollipop is involved. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archie casts stones Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 04:52:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Question unrelated to the above but who has got the free account of > archimedes_plutonium@yahoo.com? When I got my free Yahoo account > someone else stole my name. I had to settle for my name backwards. Yeah, and that makes your name look _silly_. > Is the person who has my name intent on misleading? I'm not sure if that's his purpose, but that guy who keeps posting as "Archimedes Plutonium" really does make you look like a boob. > I have no fear because no-one can imitate me. Sure they can. They just can't imitate you _temporarily_ because lobotomies ain't reversible. > In fact most readers of my posts can easily detect whether it is me > or a impostor/fake. HANDY CHECKLIST Question #1. Does the article make sense? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes", then the article in question is not certified 100% Geniune Plutonium. -- K. Also, regarding your imitators, Brother Theodore does a pretty good impression of you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 04:27:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Richard E. Nickle (rick@trystero.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I preferred the library of Super-8 film loop cartridges, though, because > > > I could watch those paramecia swimming around ENDLESSLY. > > > > And the harmonic frequency created by those paramecia caused the Tacoma > > Narrows bridge to collapse. > > This is why the British Army has stopped playing > that Colonel Bogey march for the little beggars. > Paramecia are no longer allowed to march in step > in the British Army. No sir. You know, after reading this thread, I think those people in rec.org.mensa were right -- the people in alt.religion.kibology *are* nerds. We should be more cool like the people in rec.org.mensa. Well, okay, Matt McIrvin can keep being a nerd, because someday we might need him to do math. Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre" (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > E Teflon Piano wrote: > > > > > > Perhaps all the Sumo-Butts could be enlisted by Big Science to find > > > out just how big a butt would have to grow before gravitational > > > collapse leaves nothing in this universe but a vague desire for some > > > curley fries. > > > > Calling Dr. McIrvin! > > Come quickly!! > > Don't worry. The Sumo-Butt would develop an event horizon and collapse in > upon itself, endangering only its immediate vicinity. > > The critical radius is R = 2GM/c^2 > > where M is the butt's mass, G is the gravitational constant, and > c is the speed of light. For a given butt density rho_butt, we > approximate the butt as a sphere: > > M / ((4/3) pi R^3) ~= M / (4 R^3) = rho_butt, > > and > > M = Rc^2/(2G) ~= 4 rho_butt R^3 > > R ~= sqrt(c^2/(8G rho_butt)) > > Assuming rho_butt to be the approximate density of water, 10^3 kg/m^3, > we have > > R ~= 4 x 10^11 m = 400,000,000 km ~= 250,000,000 miles > > which is, appropriately, about as large as the Asteroid Belt. You misspelled "Asteroid Butt", assuming that you're talking about the illegitimate son of Carl Sagan and Bill Murray. -- K. (I just sank to Charlie Rocket's level.) ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Date: 27 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.electromag and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Ryan Doherty (rdoherty@chat.carleton.ca) writes: > > > > You should post photos of your journey on your website or something.. > > It'll be interesting to see... > > I would like to, but I am afraid that I would not be equiped to > develop the pictures, scan them for a computer and post them. Maybe you should invent and patent the idea of a digital camera. I hear they're going to exist within twenty years. > I am going as light as possible. I think... naah, too easy. Besides, it would be mean of me to make fun of someone who's that giddy. > One idea is that perhaps I can send the pictures to someone > who can put them on the computer and then I can comment on them. Mail 'em to me. I'll put 'em on my computer. There's a nice flat spot near the back of it where they can stay out of the way. > I intend to consolidate all of this into one large documentary movie. You know, one of those movies you can make despite not being equipped to develop pictures. Hey, Arch, I hear there are one or two K-Marts where you can pay 'em to develop pictures for you. Maybe someday they'll also be able to scan your photos onto a PhotoCD for you. You should invent that and patent it too. > Come to think of it, no-one has done a religious-rite-visit to the > most famous contributors of human culture. Instead of Biblical > prophets, these people are the real contributors such as Edison, Tesla > (must see these sites), Bohr, Planck, Newton, etc etc. By the end of > the 20th century, religion began to be seen as a subset of physics, I think you're the only one who's been "seeing" that. (You're seeing the world through bozo-colored glasses.) > and that a real true religious experience had to involve science in a big > way. Nearly 100% of modern culture owes its debt to science. As I said > before, I can think of only one religion where a travel is a major > experience in that religion. I am thinking of Islam and the trip to > Mecca. The religious trip by future humanity is a historical trip to > the corridors of physics and science. FILLED WITH SOOTHING MENTHOLYPTUS VAPOR ACTION! (cue eerie whining noise made by white sine-waves that come out of cough drops) > And I have many guideposts along the way. For one, I had the travels > and trips by both Archimedes and Democritus of Ancient Greece. Thus, > when I go back to those places, I am expecting perhaps some > Reincarnational Experientals. I know that Archimedes visited Spain on a > military defense mission. I know that Democritus travelled most of his > life and was known as the "laughing philosopher". Whereas Archie Plutonium could someday accomplish his most important research as a permanent resident on the campus of The Laughing Academy. -- K. Mmm, quilted campus for comfort... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: new camera?? Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 02:47:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (Cool, now he's talking to himself from two different addresses.) In sci.physics.electromag and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > I would like to, but I am afraid that I would not be equiped to > > develop the pictures, scan them for a computer and post them. I am > > going as light as possible. One idea is that perhaps I can send the > > pictures to someone who can put them on the computer and then I can > > comment on them. I intend to consolidate all of this into one large > > documentary movie. > > The above makes me think of a new invention. But I suspect this idea > has already been explored and perhaps the equipment already exists. > There is no physics prohibiting it from existing. > > The idea is to build a camera that does not give you a photo picture > but instead it spits out a computer magnetic tape disc, such as our > floppy discs that we buy for a dollar. Thus when this fancy campera > takes a picture, the picture is already coded into a computer picture > and when you connect the camera to a telephone or computer the message > is the picture itself. Thus you bypass the picture photo developing > stage and you bypass the scanning stage > > I would guess that the above equipment already exists Dear Duh, Have you considered going to a store, or maybe looking in one of those twenty catalogs MacWarehouse mails out every week? Or on one of the many Web sites devoted to comparing the details of the hundred or so digital cameras that are available everywhere? If that's too hard for you, have you considered asking any of those people you see carrying digital cameras around? My new digital camera has a little problem, though. Whenever I attempt to take a photo of Archie it makes him look all stupid and stuff. -- K. The problem is the "and stuff". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 21:25:34 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Jim Batka (jim.batka@sdrc.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re Archimedes Plutonium's alleged ten-year-long vacation] > > > > I bet he's still living at Dartmouth in two weeks. > > > > Let's formalize it: If Archie is still anywhere near Dartmouth > > in two weeks, I will pay everyone on the Internet a million > > billion zillion dollars. > > James, > > On the off chance that he does move on... > > Will you be paying in American or Canadian dollars? WAAH! I LEFT OUT THE WORD "NOT" IN MY BET AND I MADE A BACKWARDS BET! I MADE A ***STUPID*** BET!!! It was supposed to be "If Archie is NOT still anywhere near Dartmouth in two weeks," but because of my little editing error I have just destroyed the economy of the entire known Universe. I figure for the next ten years he'll be posting from different corners of different Dartmouth buildings. (They must have told him to get out of Kiewit, as he's been posting most recently from Baker and Fairchild.) The last couple times he left the Internet forever he came back in a week or two when he thought up something important to say about candy. > Also can I get mine as a discounted lump sum payment? > > On second thought, the inflation associated with this might be a little > severe if everyone got a lump sum payment. Instead of money, would > you just send me the deed to Alaska? > > Thanks! Tell you what. I'll trade you Alaska for two buckets of candy and a special new spell-checker that will detect a missing "not". -- K. Also, I bet that I'll never pay up on any bets. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reincarnation Experiental Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 3 Jul 1999 05:35:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.edu, sci.physics, sci.bio.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > The first thought on my mind is to take a world-wide vacation. > > I deserve it after spending the past 10 years on working on the > > worlds best physics, biology, and engineering. > > About my upcoming vacation. > > I want to post a detailed diary of my travels on this vacation. It is > more like a religious trip for me. And I want to discuss more of the > Sentiment, not Science, feelings more than facts. I do not want this to > read like more science. But it is grounded on science since the spots > and locations that I intend to visit are the places where the world's > most famous scientists did their work. Wouldn't you feel out of place? > I want to reveal more of my private life on this trip. I want it to > be entertaining to the readers such as a movie, not a classroom > lecture. Or one of your Usenet articles. > And in the past few days I have had many flashbacks in my life, more > than before. DO DO YOU YOU FEEL FEEL BOXED BOXED IN IN AND AND SPACED SPACED OUT OUT???? > This is perhaps because I am going through a major transition, > a metamorphosis. ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM AWOKE TO DISCOVER HE HAD BEEN TRANSFORMED INTO A HIDEOUS INSECT! > I am leaving Dartmouth where I have been home for the past 10 years. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out -- I'd hate for you to get brain damage. > So, in a transition, past flashbacks seem to come more often. > And I have tried to monitor flashbacks in the past 10 years. DO DO DO YOU YOU YOU FEEL FEEL FEEL BOXED BOXED BOXED IN IN IN AND AND AND SPACED SPACED SPACED OUT OUT OUT??????? > It seems that flashbacks come more frequently the older we get. What do you mean "we", pink boy? > I do not remember many flashbacks in youth. Perhaps in youth we do > not have that many experiences to flashback towards. Only in older age > do we accumulate so many experiences that our flashback apparatuses in > our minds increase the flashbacks. How do you have room in your mind for a Flashback Apparatus? I thought most of the space in there was taken up by the magical giant plutonium atom that made you superintelligent, or something. Does this apparatus somehow co-exist in the same space with your brain, like the helicopter that comes out of Inspector Gadget's head? > Here let me digress a bit on a TV show I saw a long time ago. Perhaps > it was a movie segment. Memory is hazy. DOoOoOoOoOo YOUuUuUuUuUuUu FEELlLlLlLlLlLlLl BOXEDdDdDdDdDd INnNnNnNnNnNn ANDdDdDdDdDd SPACEDdDdDdDdDdDd OUTtTtTtTtTtTtTtTt????????? > This show depicted a futuristic unemployeed worker at home trying to > get a job via the TV. And so he goes out and pawns off some items. Which, ironically, included half the men from his chess set! > Whilst at the pawnshop the dealer tells him that he can sell his memories > and get quite alot of money. He turns the offer down, but as weeks drag > on and he still is unemployeed, he changes his mind and returns to the > pawndealer and agrees to selling-memories-for-cash. So he sits under this > machine that sucks out his memories. A television. > Some of you may have seen this show, and if you can tell me some > details I would appreciate it. > > Anyway the show ends with this man worse off than if he had never > sold his memories. It was "Ben Stiller's Bad Twist Ending Theater", only without the twist ending. > I am interested in flashbacks and memories, not only for this travel > trip of Reincarnation Experiences, but also for my psychology theory of > Brain Locus theory. But enough of that, this is a travelogue of > sentiment and feeling mostly with science in the background. Yes, now that you've fully explored your mental flashbacks and all that other stuff inside your mind, you should take a vacation somewhere out of your mind. > And in the past few days I have had many flashbacks to my youth while > driving through Texas with my father on vacation. Perhaps because in > the past 2 weeks it has been very hot and dry. One day my mouth was so > parched dry that I drank two liters of carbonated water in a sitting. I > do not know what it is about carbonation. I like to think of it as the > spice and pepper of water. Mm-mm! New Spicy-Hot Dr. Pepper! > Or perhaps the reverse, that spice and pepper is to food what carbonation > is to water. So which are Pop Rocks? > Carbonation is one of those beautiful details of life, that makes life > just that much like being in paradise. IN HEAVEN EVERYTHING IS CARBONATED! EVEN URINE! > When I think of the flashbacks to Arizona, I think of air conditioned > cars and I think of getting a hold of a liter of carbonated water and > guzzling it down such that the carbonation rips past my throat. ...and one bubble says to the other, "Let's be stinkers and slip out the back door!" > And many flashbacks to Florida circa 1987. And I remember that whilst in > Florida, near Ft. Lauderdale that before I airplaned out I bought a pair > of glasses that would protect my eyes from all of that ocean water glare > and beaches. OW OW OW I GOT A WHOLE BEACH IN MY EYE!!! > And just today, thursday 1July, I ordered another pair of Verilux > (spelling) polarized lenses. You have lenses that can spell? Wow. (Maybe you should use 'em.) > Over the ocean and in Europe I want to protect my eyes. Yeah, on transcontinental flights your eyes are always in peril of being poked out while you're asleep. (One wonders why Archie thinks airline travel requires eye protection. Does he occasionally miss and stick the movie headphones in his eye sockets?) > It seems that so much of our lives is a following of old paths, of > retracing old paths, and although many of the details are changed, in > large part we seem to favor retracing what we had done before, rather > than take a 180 degree turn and venture into a new and altogether > different path. Yeah, if you turn 180 degrees, you'll go somewhere you've NEVER been before. Well, okay, it'll be somewhere you already were. But at least you won't have been there while facing backwards. > The mind seems to be comforted by repeating old things. DO DO DO DO YOU YOU YOU YOU FEEL FEEL FEEL FEEL BOXED BOXED BOXED BOXED IN IN IN IN AND AND AND AND SPACED SPACED SPACED SPACED OUT OUT OUT OUT????? > And I want to talk alot about the food I eat on this travel tour. > Whenever I think back to my other travels what comes to mind first is > the food I ate or encountered, not where I slept or much of what I saw. > Excellent food seems to stay in the memory as long or longer than other > features of the trip. And lately in the past few days I have had a > craving for premium hamburger on a sourdough bread with lots of dill > pickle and good helping of cheese. There is no such thing as a "good" helping of cheese. Cheese is EVIL. > I love this Journey root beer of a Sage extract. And I put it in the > freezer until it becomes slushy. Thus when I eat this piping hot premium > hamburger with melted cheese and pickles I quaff a super cold Sagebrush > root beer. For dessert I have been eating white grape jello that I added > carbonated flavored water. So what you're saying is that you've managed to combine Buzzy's food with hospital food? > The Jello is a zesty tingly Jello, not like the common bland tasting > jellos. And I put a layer of cream on the Jello from Stonyfield > milk-cream yogurt. Another dessert is this yogurt with a can of pie > cherries > > More later... I think you should try eating a whole meal of just milk and cherries. -- K. And then I'd vote for you for President. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Date: 28 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > prophets, these people are the real contributors such as Edison, Tesla > > Hate to be the one to break it to you, but Tesla aren't touring anymore. > They broke up in '96. Damn! All the best rock bands have a half-life less than 1999 minus 1976. Is ELO still owned by General Electric? > > (must see these sites), Bohr, Planck, Newton, etc etc. By the end of > > the 20th century, religion began to be seen as a subset of physics, and > > Personally, I see religion as a subset of the union of applied > biochemistry and home economics. Waah! I tried unioning applied economics and home biochemistry and got a special Backwards Religion! In which God is a tiny little atom, and hamburgers eat people! > > that a real true religious experience had to involve science in a big > > way. Nearly 100% of modern culture owes its debt to science. As I said > > before, I can think of only one religion where a travel is a major > > experience in that religion. I am thinking of Islam and the trip to > > Mecca. The religious trip by future humanity is a historical trip to > > the corridors of physics and science. > > What you just described is called a field trip. Maybe we should load Archie on the little bus and send him to the Providence Children's Museum. They're about his speed. On Saturday I couldn't even find anything there interesting enough to be worth making fun of. No "PLEASE DO NOT CLIMB THE LOBSTER" signs, no discussions of what you might find if you explored the inside of your nose, not even a gift shop filled with industrial waste by-products. Just some tanks of tiny little neon tetras, and half a dodecahedron. Which you had to assemble yourself. > > And I have many guideposts along the way. For one, I had the travels > > and trips by both Archimedes and Democritus of Ancient Greece. Thus, > > when I go back to those places, I am expecting perhaps some > > Reincarnational Experientals. I know that Archimedes visited Spain on a > > military defense mission. I know that Democritus travelled most of his > > life and was known as the "laughing philosopher". > > When I was in third grade, my class visited the corridors of science and > there were dinosaurs there. It was cool. Wow, you must be old. They just had DEAD dinosaurs when I went to the Empire State Museum about five times a year between 1971 and 1980. Oh, yeah, and the Schenectady Museum is a million times more educational than the Providence Children's Museum even though the Schenectady Museum isn't a children's museum or science museum, just a regular museum. This is because the Schenectady Museum has a world-class planetarium, not to mention half a space shuttle. And they have a TV camera you can crawl through to pretend you're a boring educational show being broadcast to OTHER kids' living rooms. The Empire State Museum, on the other hand, shows the evolution of General Electric's refrigerators from the good old days to these modern times when they became ELO. -- K. ELO was unusually popular in Schenectady in the seventies. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Date: 28 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > > > Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] a real true religious experience had to involve science in a big > > > way. [...] The religious trip by future humanity is a historical trip to > > > the corridors of physics and science. > > > > What you just described is called a field trip. > > Apparently the school I went to spent its money on something *other* > than field trips. You must have been in a poor district. Outside Schenectady, our schools had enough money to be able to send us on multiple visits to the same museum every year. (I think they kept their costs down by having us only visit one museum five times a year.) I always watched the moldy baby mammoth's head get more and more hairless. Anyway, our schools (in Scotia, Burnt Hills, etc.) had enough money left over that we had a choice of ice-cream sandwiches, orange Push-Ups, or frozen orange juice in the original Swedish Tetra-Pak containers -- the ones which were actually tetrahedral and could therefore never be set down after opening because they were full of melting orange slush -- and you know those were expensive because the waxed cardboard came from Sweden. Oh, and the junior high school had this weird library system where everyone had a little TV screen with a rotary telephone dial beneath it so that we could dial which educational videotape we wanted to watch and then the librarian would then load the tape just like we had actually asked her. This way we didn't have to ask her. We just had to ask her which number to dial to make her load the tape, and then dialing the number told her we wanted her to load the tape. Brilliant! I preferred the library of Super-8 film loop cartridges, though, because I could watch those paramecia swimming around ENDLESSLY. > The only memorable trips that I can recall are > the ones where: the school system sent our bus to someone else's field > trip and consequently we went on a forced march to a park some 12 blocks > away and the one where we went to some old-timey school and were > supposed to dress like "settlers" for the trip. WRITER'S EMBELLISHMENT: "And then Mr. Kluge from shop class took us all to a gay bar and we were supposed to dress like 'women' for the trip." Paul, can we give that man a canned ham? "Hosie Cow" and the Secret Word Game are still funny, right? > They are both memorable only for their lameness. Oh. > Although the park trip was actually kind of fun -- I don't even remember > where we were supposed to be going but it probably would have been much > more boring. It's a Very Special Field Trip To Nowhere! I remember once at the Empire State Museum they made us go up all the escalators (up to the top of the six floors of offices) and then they made us turn around and go down all the escalators back to the museum. I never figured out if our teacher was just clueless, or whether he was trying to keep us from fidgeting by getting us really tired from having to ride all those stairs. > > When I was in third grade, my class visited the corridors of science and > > there were dinosaurs there. It was cool. > > Where? The corridors of science *I* visited had a few bones whose exhibit > was marked "plesiosaur?" as well as the partial skeltal reconstruction of > a "stegasaurus". They had quite a few things that *weren't* dinosaurs > like the really gross dozen yard tapeworm in a bottle. > > That still sends shivers down my spine. You have a dozen-yard-long tapeworm in your spine? Now that IS odd. You're supposed to have tapeworms in your gut (remember, you have over 400,000 miles of intestines) and your spine is only supposed to have The Tingler living in it. -- K. Do you feel Archimedes Plutonium touching your leg? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Article #250,000 is coming up soon... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 21:05:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) says: > > > > So keep right on doing whatever you're doing, and I'll tell you in a > > week or two when we hit 250,000. > > Which base? Base two. DO NOT MAKE ME AGAIN SPEW MY RANT ABOUT HOW NEGABINARY IS EVEN COOLER THAN REGULAR BINARY! I AM NOT A CRACKPOT! -- K. I shoulda said "base i". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Betty White Filths it up for ``Lake Placid'' Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 02:51:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor According to ClariNet, the Entertainment News Service (ENS) wrote: > > Subject: Betty White Filths it up for ``Lake Placid'' I've never seen an ENS article before, but I think I can safely predict that it won't live up to its subject line. -- K. Betty White and Tony Randall to star in "South Park" movie, imaginary film at 11. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Carmageddon is EVIL! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 05:10:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > (SUH-WOOSH! KONTEXT-AWAY BLASTS OFF LAYERS OF DIRT!) > Polygons can be cute and fluffy, too, you know! (KONTEXT-AWAY SWIRLS SMOOTHLY DOWN THE SLUICEWAY LEAVING BEHIND ONLY A SMILE!) Dear Terri, I don't care what you think about parrots, if their feathers are all fluffy, then they've got some sort of weird bird disease. Your parrot should have smooth shiny feathers. So please stop shooting your mouth off about parrots when you obviously are saying nothing intelligent about parrots! -- K. I keep wishing Froot Loops really tasted like the toucan they show on the box. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cops: Man Fathered Baby To Kill It Date: 28 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology The Associated Press electronically disseminated: > > FRANKLIN, Ind. (AP) -- A man who allegedly sought revenge against > his wife by plotting to father their child and then kill the baby > was ordered held without bond today on a murder charge. He'll have to stay in jail until he can diagram that whole sentence. > Ronald L. Shanabarger, wearing a brown flak jacket over a > zebra-stripe jail jumpsuit, Oh, how TACKY. Next thing you know they'll be letting murderers wear zebra- stripe velour shorts over a spandex Spider-Man costume with a glitter wig. > gave brief answers at today's hearing to questions about whether he > could afford an attorney. OOH! HE'S A BAD PERSON BECAUSE HE ANSWERS "YES" OR "NO" QUESTIONS "YES" OR "NO" AND DOESN'T RAMBLE IN COURT! > The judge ordered that a public defender be appointed and set a trial date > for Nov. 30. > Shanabarger told police he planned the crime to exact punishment > on his wife, Amy, who had refused to cut short a vacation to > comfort him after his father passed away. I think that, for once, someone needs to inexact punishment. "You have been found either guilty or not guilty. You'll have to stay in jail and/or a bowling alley for somewhere between one second and a billion years, unless I'm lying, and I have a 50% chance of coming from the island where everyone lies on alternate Tuesdays, and today's Tuesday but I won't tell you if it's an alternate Tuesday or a real one." > [...] > > According to prosecutors, Shanabarger said that on the evening > of June 19, he wrapped plastic wrap around his son's face, then > left the boy's nursery to get something to eat and brush his teeth. And don't forget to floss after every murder! -- K. My dentist says I should murder more often. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Germans claim new record with four-mile sausage Date: 27 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com In article (Qgermany-sausage-peopleVRbrH_9uR.RGcS_9uR@clari.net), (Dear Lee Bumgarner, your Message-ID is making more sense than usual.) "AFP" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Germans claim new record with four-mile sausage HUGE SAUSAGE! HUGE SAUSAGE! Sorry. > KUMHAUSEN, Germany, June 27 (AFP) - Germany conquered all FILL IN THE BLANK, CHARLES NELSON REILLY! > records Sunday for the biggest sausage and the longest loaf of > bread, churning out a 5.88 kilometre (four mile) banger designed be Wernher von Braun. > and 1.37 kilometre (three-quarters of a mile) long loaf. Which they made into a hot dog bun for a 1.36 kilometre-long dachshund. (Well, the song said "Get along little doggie...") > Master butcher Bernhard Ossner and his 14 assistants in this > Bavarian town claimed to have beaten the almost five-kilometre > record set by rivals in the former East German state of Thuringia at > Easter. > Several dozen pigs went into the 1.7 tonne sausage Several dozen roaches went into my Roach Motel but you don't hear me bragging. > as the team worked through the night in the hope of having their monster > wurst entered into the Guinness Book of Records. > Some 1,500 spectators will be able to snap up the sausage at a > cost of five German marks (2.55 euros, 2.65 dollars) a metre, with > proceeds going to a charity for Romanian children. > The meat was donated by pig farmers. > At Drachhausen, also in former East Germany, baker Werner von Braun > Raddatz and 12 colleagues used three tonnes of flour, plus 180 > kilograms (400 pounds) of yeast and salt, and 2,300 litres of water > to create their super-loaf. > Their achievement beats the record set in 1993 by an Austrian > baker with a 1.14 long loaf. Easily, as it was just 1.14 inches. > X-Note: This is a MIME encoded message. Decode it with "munpack" > X-Note: or any other MIME reading software. Mpack/munpack is available > X-Note: via anonymous FTP in ftp.andrew.cmu.edu:pub/mpack/ > ACategory: HUM Oh, damn, the message isn't complete, I only got the second part. I still need the ACategory: HO part. > [photo caption] > > DRACHHAUSEN, GERMANY, 27-JUN-1999: Three girls walk along a loaf of bread Eww! I hope they at least washed their feet before they jumped on it. > in the eastern German town of Drachhausen June 27 1999 as baker > Werner Raddatz from Saxony staked his claim for the world's longest > bread with 1,377.05 meters (4,544 feet). Raddatz and 12 aides used > some three tons of flour, over 180kg (396 lbs.) of yeast and salt and > 2,300 liters (598 gallons) of water. [Photo by AFP] Of course, there's no photo of the sausage. THERE'S NO PHOTO OF THE SAUSAGE! What I want to know is, I understand how they made the 5.88-kilometre sausage, except... where did they get the casing? What sort of pig has a 5.88-km rectum? -- K. God bless the AFP and the rest of France for bringing us all this classy gourmet cuisine news. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Germans claim new record with four-mile sausage Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 02:52:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > KUMHAUSEN, Germany, June 27 (AFP) - Germany conquered all > > records Sunday for the biggest sausage and the longest loaf of > > bread, churning out a 5.88 kilometre (four mile) banger > > and 1.37 kilometre (three-quarters of a mile) long loaf. > > ...have you ever noticed that giant sausages always come in packages of > 5.88 kilometres and giant buns always come in packages of 1.37 > kilometres? You always end up having to buy 14,700 packages of buns and > 3,425 packages of sausages! > > WHO WERE THE ADVERTISING GENIUSES THAT CAME UP WITH *THAT* ONE? I just want to know why nobody's tried to create the world's largest cocktail weenie. After all, Chef Boyardee and Franc O. American are competing to see who can make the world's smallest ravioli (Franco makes "Micro Ravioli" -- I am not making this up -- and Boyardee has "Sir Chomps-A-Lot".) I think the world's largest cocktail weenie would be something to see. > -dp. > MS Standup Comedian 2000: Plus Pack > George Carlin add-in module But you'd have to see the giant tiny weenie through a pair of binoculars looking into two microscopes. HA! HA! I RUINED YOUR JOKE BY GETTING STEVEN WRIGHT ALL OVER IT!!! -- K. My phone has no schwa. Then someone replaced it with an exact duplicate that was completely different. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Great idea. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 07:45:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [re Nick's digital watch] Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > [...] > > [...] > > [...] > > Without that third paragraph, I would have looked really stupid. TESTING YOUR THEORY NOW. FOR A COPY OF YOUR TEST RESULTS, PLEASE WRITE "AM I STUPID?" ON A 3x5" CARD, TAPE $50 TO IT, AND MAIL IT TO KIBO. IF YOU WOULD PREFER TO NEVER KNOW WHETHER YOU LOOK REALLY STUPID, PLEASE WRITE "I'M NOT STUPID!" ON A 3x5" CARD, TAPE $75 TO IT, AND MAIL IT TO KIBO. TWICE. THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING. > And the first time I leave the house without setting my watch, > I will feel really stupid. Probably more stupid than when someone > replies to my message, probably in E-mail, saying that everyone > already does this. Why would everyone send you E-mail telling you that everyone sends you E-mail? Am I using E-mail? I forget. I feel really stupid... ...BUT AT LEAST I AIN'T WEARING A DIGITAL WATCH THAT'S BLINKING "12:00"! -- K. I have one that blinks "12:01" and makes Martin Landau's body explode over and over and over. But only on February 2. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hell'd better have cable Date: 27 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc, "EricR" (ericr@yankthechain.com) wrote: > > Subject: Hell'd better have cable Hell, they have better than that -- they have Internet access. Of course, it's through a WebTV... -- K. ...and it's hooked up to a radio. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 21:21:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "c willgren" (cwillgren@earthlink.net) wrote: > > I was waiting outside of a bagel place and Mike Rosen, a reporter for > the local FOX affiliate, pulled up and went inside to get his own bagel! It would have been funnier if you had said "he got inside his own bagel." On WNDS-50 (Derry, NH, unaffiliated -- too cheap to even be UPN or The WB) Al Karprielian, the screaming weathernerd whose entire shtick consists of doing the weather AS JERRY LEWIS, is apparently on vacation (or maybe in an institution) because a couple days ago I turned on the TV and there was this other guy doing the weather, and he had clearly never been on TV before, and it was a shock to be expecting the guy who acts like Willie Whistle on angel dust and getting a guy who acts more like a normal human being who knows not of this thing called performance. -- K. It's like if Bucky Lewis were replaced by Marty Angstrom. Except that would be a huge improvement. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 04:45:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Bill Newcomb (nuke@best.com) wrote: > > Once someone told me (yes, I was too dense to figure it out) that many > if not most broadcast stations requested their call signs to be > abbreviations for something, I couldn't help automatically assigning > abbreviations to stations when I ran across calls signs. Hence, WRGB > has the somewhat 3133+ abbrev. "Red Green Blue", while WNDS is > "Netware Directory Services". Sometimes the "K" or "W" is used, > sometimes not. WLS in Chicago, for instance, is World's Largest Store, > cause it used to be run by Sears. Stop trying to trollerize me. Even though I am from Schenectady, I can resist the impulse to point out that I know that WRGB (General Electric's original station, the oldest network station in the USA) was founded long before anyone had figured out how to make colors, and "RGB" were just some guy's initials. WRGB was founded in 1939 (as was WNBT in New York City) and eventually moved from channel 4 to channel 6 (and later switched from NBC to CBS.) WRGB's original call sign was W2XB, and in March 1942 they changed their call sign to WRGB at the suggestion of GE bigwig Walter R. G. Baker, who was lucky enough to have been born with an extra initial. I won't point this out even though (a) I had an English course (and a broadcasting course) in high school taught by their movie critic (Dan DiNicola) and (b) at one of the colleges I attended, the building containing the electron microscope they'd never plugged in (a GE write-off) had been the original (tiny) site of WRGB before GE built a real TV station building and donated the little one to the little college. As far as "eleet" abbreviations go, GE has the world's most perfectly eleet ZIP code: The GE plant in Schenectady is "12345". I don't know which building "12345-6789" would be in, but I suspect that would be where they would produce "Sesame Street" if it were a WRGB production and not PBS. (Does Mr. Food still film his "show" at WRGB? I saw the seamy side of his half-a-kitchen once in their little studio with the wallpaper that looked like bars of yellow soap, or perhaps giant Pez.) So there. I cannot be trollerized. -- K. Also, by opening the envelope which contains this message, you agree to the terms and conditions of the license, to wit: You owe me a dollar. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 22:01:52 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Tim Serpas (wretch@io.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [...] WRGB (General Electric's original station, the oldest network > > > station in the USA) was founded long before anyone had figured out > > > how to make colors, and "RGB" were just some guy's initials. > > > > And that man's name was... Roy G. Biv. > > Also, WNDS is "The WINDS of New Hampshire." Kibo will now name > the Mad Magazine parody. Easy. "The BLECCH of Duh Hampster". Actually, that would be more of a "Cracked" title than a "Mad" title, because it's misspelled. Some days I lie awake at night worrying that someday "Mad" will do a page about Pez, but they won't be able to come up with a way to make the word "Pez" funny. Hey, is WRGB's radio counterpart still WGY? If so, I have no idea what WGY stands for. Matt McIrvin will now invent an acronym for WGY so that I can make it funny. -- K. I still say the station WWWW gets the most airtime out of its twelve-syllable call sign. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 02:37:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > When I was 10 years old, I attended NWPAC meetings hosted by Channel > 5's Roger Downey, who also called the PAUGS BBS and posted regularly. > > NWPAC was the Northwest Phoenix Atari Connection, for Atari 8-bit > computer users. > > I'm not very proud of it because when I was 10, I was the type of > kid who got deleted off all the local BBSes. Do tell me more, Nick S Bensema, Kibo asked, his finger hovering above the big red "DELETE NICK FOREVER" button. > For some reason, that had less significance to me than when I was on > Wallace & Ladmo, also on Channel 5, three years earlier. I got a > Ladmo Bag, but the only thing I could remember about it were Pixie > Stix and maybe some Tootsie Rolls, but I know there had to be other > stuff in there because it was a paper sack... I think Wallace should have been replaced by Dean Lenort, because what little kid wouldn't love to say "I GOT A BAG OF SLIGHTLY USED PIXY STIX FROM LENORT AND LADMO! MMM, LADMO-Y!" -- K. Why does the fact that it was made of *paper* prove there had to be other stuff in there? You're WEIRD. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 05:22:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > My formative news "personalities" experiences came mainly in the '60s and > '70s in the Albany, NY area. Kibo might even remember some of these > indivittals, or if he's lucky, he doesn't. Please don't tell me that they've become Tender Indivittals. I really don't want to have to feed Dan DiNicola to my cat. > *Liz Bishop, who started out as the weekend sports reporter at WRGB-TV > (Schenectady) and later became co-anchor, was reputed to have a thick > Brooklyn accent she was barely able to obscure because she allegedly was > taking elocution lessons at SUNY-Albany. Oh, yeah, memory traces are sparking all over my brain. Liz and Ernie Tetrault (who owned a boating-supply shop across town) were WRGB's anchors during my adolescence. > *Howard Tupper, also with 'RGB, could be a museum exhibit of what TV > weathermen were like before the industry demanded they be A) young, > cute and female or B) youngish, male, and equal parts scientist, hairstyle > model and carnival barker. > Howard Tupper was 50ish/60ish, wore a crew cut and glasses, and had the > presence of an 8th-grade science teacher. His shtick was, at some point > in his broadcast, to wave stiffly and say "Hi, small fry" to whatever > elementary school children he thought might actually be watching him. > Instead of having computer-generated graphics flash the forecast, > Howard had these series of little pseudo TV screens, which when he turned > them on would show the general condition for the day, the temperature range > and, best of all, the chance of precipitation -- always by 10s (10, 20, 30 > percent, etc.) Wow. I remember when he had little MAGNETS of suns and clouds and stuff that he'd stick on the map. I seem to recall he also hosted some Sunday-morning local game show where the game board looked like this: W R G B R G B G B B I remember nothing else about the show except that the object was to spell "WRGB" and the board was a triangle. > *The sports anchor for Albany's WTEN was "Rip" Rowan, whose head was once > described by a friend of mine as resembling an unwieldy pile of dough. > Rumor had it that the nickname "Rip" was not so much a tribute to his > athletic endeavors as it was a snide comment on his propensity for flatulence. We never watched the news on WTEN (now WCDC) when I was a kid. We were a General Electric household. We only trusted news that came directly from General Electric. > *Rowan's occasional replacement was former baseball player Dale Long, who > still holds the major league record for most consecutive games hitting home > runs (8). > He didn't just sit still before the camera, he was as rigid and immobile as a > statue. His attempts to say things like "Zurich, Switzerland" and "New York > Knicks" became the stuff of local legend. > I felt sympathy for Dale one weekend when the station was hosting a telethon > of some sort, and guest stars Ted Knight and Greg Morris (who starred on > "Mission: Impossible" with the future Mr. Barbara Bain, Martin Landau, and > the future Mrs. Kibo, Barbara Bain) kept interrupting the newscast and joking > around. When they barged in on Dale, he damn near looked stricken. And I suppose they kept making fun of how Ted Baxter/Knight was much less rigid than he was. > Boston, of course, has its share of distinctive news "personalities," like > Jack Hynes (namesake for the city's convention center), Please, SON of the namesake. And Boston has two other convention centers, neither of which has been under perpetual re-construction for the past five years. > who has the most intense, scariest eyes in the TV news profession and for a > while sported a beard which made him look like a mad hermit from northern > New Hampshire, or R.J. Sahl (son of Mort Sahl and I.P. Daly), who looks like > he wanted to be Ken Starr before Ken Starr _was_ Ken Starr. > > But that's another story... > > Sean ("Next week: The legend of Joe Shortsleeve") Smith I just want to know more about (a) Dan Berkery, WSBK-38's manager, who played "Willie Whistle", and once had a boa constrictor nest in his clown underwear while he was squeaking in blind panic, (b) Dana Hersey, WSBK-38's announcer, who was just like William Shatner only a bit wider, and (c) Frank Avruch, WCVB-5's sports guy, who used to be Boston's Bozo -- and was the guy who was actually told "RAM IT, CLOWN!" according to Larry Harmon, the head Bozo. Oh, and (d) Dawn Wells, who announces "Lottery Live", and (e) all those people at Harvard who made "Jabberwocky" for WCVB-5, like Carl Thoma and whoever had his hand up the Dirty Frank puppet. I miss "Ask The Manager" on 38. And all those times the local stations would pre-empt real television for candlepin bowling, the world's lamest sport. IT'S SO LAME, IT SHOULD BE IN THE "X GAMES"! -- K. I wish I had a street luge suit. And an ax. BRING ME THE AX!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 21:57:10 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Just yesterday I was telling Sam boring stories of one Dick Dysell, aka > Captain 20, of WDCA-20 in Washington, DC. This guy was the face and voice > of Channel 20 for something like 20 years. He started out hosting Star > Trek reruns in Enterprise crew uniform and Spock ears. Apparently he was > originally known as "Captain Spacey," though I don't remember that. He > still wore the Spock ears when I started watching Channel 20 (usually at > my friend John's house, because my parents believed in building taste by > example, and I was allowed to watch anything I wanted on somebody else's > TV, but I couldn't watch "Ultraman" on their TV while they were there, > because they hated "Ultraman." This is why I ended up spending my 20s > watching Kibo's entire video collection.) > > Captain 20 ended up working most or all of the puppets on a show variously > titled "Kid's Break" or "W.O.W. (World of Wonder)," which they showed to > kill a half hour before infomercials were invented. He was undoubtedly a > swell guy, but he wasn't that great a puppeteer, and the puppets had a > tendency to talk 180 degrees out of phase, with sound coming out only > while their mouths were closed. There was a "Word of the Day" segment in > Capt. 20 defined words such as "spoon" by reading long, polysyllabic > dictionary definitions. They showed educational film segments such as > promotional films for tourism in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and films about > Exxon's selfless efforts for humanity drilling for oil at Prudhoe Bay, > Alaska. Now that was entertainment. Puh-leeze. It was EDU-TAINMENT. Edutainment is like the movies TV Guide calls "comedy-drama"s -- a perfect blend of no education and no entertainment. Now, if you mixed edu-tainment with a comedy-drama -- let's say you stirred an "Oregon Train" CD-ROM in with a videotape of Donny Most's "Leo & Loree" -- you'd get edumedy-drainment, the most perfect form of lack of education, entertainment, comedy, or drama, ever. You know, like "Spice World". I saw "Barney's Great Adventure" on TV yesterday. Well, okay, I fast- forwarded through 95% of it. And I was still bored. NOW THAT MUST BE ONE EDUCATIONAL MOVIE!!! Also, I was upset that he never got to the basement of the Alamo. -- K. Dick Dysell sounds like he had a hairpiece. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 3 Jul 1999 04:16:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dick Dysell sounds like he had a hairpiece. > > DING! That's the loudest hairpiece I ever heard. -- K. Willie Whistle sounds like I expect Archimedes Plutonium does. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 21:52:16 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Richard E. Nickle (rick@trystero.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just want to know more about (a) Dan Berkery, WSBK-38's manager, who > > played "Willie Whistle", and once had a boa constrictor nest in his clown > > underwear while he was squeaking in blind panic, > > ASK THE MANAGER contained more Three Stooges > information than the entire content of the > Internet on any subject including Star Trek. > > I get the impression that they may have spiked > the coffee on ASK THE MANAGER. With MDMA. My favorite part about "Ask The Manager" was how they would always change the subject to how much they hated showing "Babylon 5" halfway through answering the viewer's question. But you're right, 90% of the questions were along the lines of, "THE THREE STOOGES ARE THE BEST! QUESTION MARK." The other 10% were evenly divided between "Can you show 'Knight Rider'?" ("No, that's on Channel 68 right now. Go watch Channel 68.") and "Why do you keep wiping your butt with the 'Babylon 5' tapes before you show them, now that your station is controlled by Paramount?" > > (b) Dana Hersey, WSBK-38's announcer, who was just like William Shatner > > only a bit wider, and > > Whoop! THERE IT IS! > Dana Hersey, another underappreciated > Boston talent. They oughta name a convention > center after him. Or at least one of those > solar powered coin operated restrooms. > > I can't remember the name of his show, but > I think it was something along the lines of > '8 OCLOCK MOVIE' or 'MOVIE AT 8 OCLOCK.' > > Sadly, the last movie I remember watching > that was hosted by Dana Hershey is "The > Deer Hunter." Which Dana Hershey seemed > to like showing a lot. His show was "The Movie Loft". They had about six movies. "The Deer Hunter", "Twilight Zone -- The Movie", "Star Trek -- The Motion Picture", "Superman -- The Movie", and "Santa Claus -- The Movie". I forget what the sixth one was, but I think it was something like "The Deer Hunter -- The Movie". > Is Dana Hershey still on? How is his wife Barbara? Dana's gone. They replaced him with a hip young "urban" voiceover. I.e. the station didn't want a white guy contaminating UPN's all-"urban" programming lineup. So, of course, Willie Whistle had to go too. He was unusually white, even for a clown. As far as TALENTED ACTRESS Barbara Hershey, last year she was in that awful TV-movie about the church that was built by the stupid architect who forgot to put in a staircase to the upper level, and nobody could figure out how to build one because there was no place to put it, but then she prayed and prayed and finally some guy built a staircase so she could climb up it and die. Her greatest claim to fame is that, in "Blade Runner", when Harrison Ford tells Sean Young that her memory of the baby spiders eating the polka-dotted momma spider is really a fake memory, do you know whose memory it was copied from? BARBARA HERSHEY'S!!!! I am not making this up. (That got into the script around the time that Dustin Hoffman was cast as the lead instead of that Harrison Ford nobody.) -- K. If only Dana Hersey had shown "Blade Runner", he could have made insightful comments like the ones above, providing they were printed in Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Local news anchors, weirdness of Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 02:31:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re Howard Tupper and other Schenectady TV personalities of the 60s and 70s] > > > > Wow. I remember when he had little MAGNETS of suns and clouds and stuff > > that he'd stick on the map. I seem to recall he also hosted some > > Sunday-morning local game show where the game board looked like this: > > > > W R G B > > > > R G B > > > > G B > > > > B > > Ah, that would be "Pick A Show," hosted by David Allen, a boyish-looking > entertainer of evidently modest fame. Actually, the game board consisted of > these little placards adorned with names of shows seen _ONLY_ on WRGB > (or NBC), and were arranged in rows of two, three, four and five. > Contestants (who all played by phone) had to find a letter under a placard > in each row until they spelled out the station name -- and you only had one > shot per row. Every time David Allen turned over a placard with a letter on > it, there was a brief excerpt of jazzy, big band-type music to celebrate your > good fortune. If you got all the letters, you'd win a couple a hundred > dollars; if you didn't get them all, your consolation prize was a copy of > David Allen's "Town and Country" record album. STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP MOCKING THE FACT THAT I DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DAVID ALLEN AND HOWARD TUPPER!!! NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT FREDDY FREIHOFER'S SHOW HAD A PRODUCT PLACEMENT IN IT SOMEWHERE! WHO THE HELL WANTS TO SQUIGGLE? > As I recall, _everyone_ always got the "W," which was hidden in the row of > two. Two V's? > Call it the beginning of the loss of innocence, perhaps, but I started to > think that the game might actually be rigged so as not to discourage watching WRGB's crappy shows? > contestants too much -- and to ensure that David Allen would be able to fob > off more of his record albums, which were probably stacked high in a > warehouse someplace in Delmar. Waah! I was on "Answers Please" and didn't get Tim Welch's album! > I also tried to imagine if listening to David Allen's interpretation of pop > songs of yesteryear was in fact a consolation for missing out on a hefty bit > of change. I am now imagining Dave Allen, the British talk-show host, switching places with the guy from Schenectady so that Benny Hill would be tricked into making fun of the wrong one. NOW IF ONLY I COULD FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK HOARD TUPPER INTO THIS! > > I just want to know more about (a) Dan Berkery, WSBK-38's manager, who > > played "Willie Whistle", and once had a boa constrictor nest in his clown > > underwear while he was squeaking in blind panic, > > You know, I'm increasingly wistful that I moved to Boston at the tail-end of > "Willie Whistle"'s career. At least I got to see him for a year or two when > he hosted an early-morning cartoon show (hey, I had to watch _something_ > while eating breakfast). The best part was when he would invite a kid to be > on camera with him, and the squirt would look alternately petrified and > befuddled, because he or she could hardly understand a word "Willie" was > saying through his squeak. For thos eof you who did not get WSBK-38 on cable when you were kids, the "Willie Whistle" show went like this: (FADE IN on WILLIE WHISTLE, who looks like Skip Stephenson in whiteface. He has apparently swallowed a small squeaker.) DANA HERSEY (offscreen, sounding like William Shatner doing an impression of Adam West): Hey there, Willie Whistle, what are you up to? WILLIE WHISTLE: WEET WEEEET WEEEEEEET WEET WEEEEET WEE-WEE-WEE-WEET WEEEEEEET! DANA HERSEY: What's that, Willie Whistle? You say the invisible mayor of Willie Whistleland is coming to visit you? > And I swear I remember reading a Boston Globe interview with "Willie" -- not > only did he do the interview in full costume and greasepaint to hide his > identity, according to the writer, he also spoke in his "whistle" voice. Oh... my... God. QUICK, ROBIN, TO THE ARCHIVES!!! > > (b) Dana Hersey, WSBK-38's announcer, who was just like William Shatner > > only a bit wider, > > > ...and equally capable of embarassing himself, like when 'SBK began producing > the "We Don't Knock" show, their version of edgy, in-your-face, urban TV > hijinks. It seemed to mainly consist of Dana visiting out-of-the-way places in > and around Boston and trying to act "loose" and "hip" with the natives. Oh, you mean like "DiNicola's World", only without the faux Andy Rooney segments. > It was about as effective as David Allen singing "Walk This Way." I wish *I* had a crappy TV station so that it would be socially acceptable for me to dress any way I wanted as long as I showed some lousy cartoons. -- K. And I'd have a puppet named Dirty Willie Whistle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 30 Jun 1999 05:04:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Oh. My. God. The hivemind has its bakelite knob turned to maximum > bandwidth and is rattling like an unbalanced dryer. Excuse me, but the Hivemind hasn't had bakelite knobs ever since they discovered chemical element 112, knobbium. I find it interesting that not only is bakelite the oldest form of plastic (and therefore the least appealing -- it's really hard and brittle and smells funny, and back then they only knew how to make it in a dirty-looking matte black) but they're still making it. Mainly for jewelry, for some reason. Why? You got me. I did a web search for "bakelite" and found lots of people trying to sell homemade jewelry items (which I imagine look something like the misshapen triangular blob on P. K. Dick's "The Man In The High Castle" that makes the Nazis win World War II if you look at it too long) and one or two corporations putting bakelite to its intended purpose, knobs for radios that must withstand the temperature of the surface of Mercury. -> LATEST! -> SUMITOMO BAKELITE AWARDED -> QS9000 & ISO9001 -> -> Sumitomo Bakelite Singapore is proud to announce that it has recently -> gained certification for the following: -> -> Ê QS9000 certification for Epoxy Molding Compound (EME) -> Ê ISO9001 certification for Die Attach Paste (CRM), and -> Ê ISO9001 certification for Liquid Encapsulant (CRP) -> Ê -> These certifications by SGS Yarsley International Certification -> Services serve to highlight Sumitomo Bakelite's long-term commitment to -> the production of high quality encapsulant products for industrial use. And I think I just nailed bakelite to the discussion of ISO 9000 over on the other side of alt.religion.kibology. "YOU GOT YOUR BAKELITE ENCAPSULANT IN MY TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT PARADIGM!!!" I also found a casino supply company that sold both wooden and bakelite roulette wheels, and a number of pages about antique telephones, because in antique times there were no other kinds of plastic to make telephones out of and they had to stop making them out of stone because the Flintstones era ended when cavemen killed off the last of the little dinosaurs that lived inside the phones and said "It's a living!" Fun fact: Bakelite was invented by a Belgian named Leo Beakeland, who also invented veloxes... also called photostats or ordinary Kodak photo print paper. In 1915, Kodak started making bakelite cameras, thus proving that Leo Beakeland had plans for world domination. Bakelite, in generic terms, is just plain old phenolic plastic with dirt mixed in. -> Phenolic is usually reinforced with a filler ( filler = inert material -> added to a polymer to improve its properties. Usually in powder or fibre -> from such as wood, pulp, cotton flock and talc ) So, bakelite is the plastic equivalent of Hamburger Helper. It's half plastic and half debris from the lumber mill you knocked down to build your stupid bakelite factory. -- K. New! From Kenner! The BakeLite! Actually cook half a cupcake (elapsed time: 19 hours) over a Lite Brite peg! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 1 Jul 1999 04:50:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > >Excuse me, but the Hivemind hasn't had bakelite knobs ever since they > >discovered chemical element 112, knobbium. > > And remember, kids - "knobbium" minus "kibo" equals "numb"! It worries me that people on the Internet think of these things. Before I can. > > but they're still making it. Mainly for jewelry, > > for some reason. Why? You got me. > > Because they can't stop the reaction in the Original Pyrex Beaker, > so they figure they might as well continue making money off of it. You know, in the Other Universe, the alphabet begins with "Z" and ends with "A", so instead of "Pyrex" and "Xerox" and "Zardoz" and "Kodak" they have cool trademarks like "Abacub" and "Babacca" and "Cardbarc". > > And I think I just nailed bakelite to the discussion of ISO 9000 over > > on the other side of alt.religion.kibology. > > You can't nail bakelite unless you nail it -really slooooowly-, > or unless you do it before it's quite gelled yet. Gel? Bakelite is a gel? Cool! That means I can put it in my hair to look really cool! (SOUND OF KIBO DIPPING HIS HEAD IN MOLTEN BAKELITE) > > "YOU GOT YOUR BAKELITE ENCAPSULANT IN MY TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT > > PARADIGM!!!" > > Two great buzzwords that buzz grates together! Total Quality Bees! Why have Kibologists decided that the word "bees" is funny? Oh, that's right, I said "bee" once. Carry on! (You have my blessings to believe that bees are funny, as long as you acknowledge that it's my fault that bees are funny.) > Dave "How many letters do we need to subtract from "Archimedesplutonium" > before ... well, before anything?" DeLaney I just want to know whether Volkswagen's new "Turbonium" element was cooked up by a German mad scientist named FahrvergnŸgen Turbonium who thinks that the whole Universe is shaped like a "V" and a "W" in a circle. -- K. Announcing new POP ROCKS WITH BEES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Date: Fri, 2 Jul 1999 22:07:27 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Announcing new POP ROCKS WITH BEES! > > Hey, Mikey! Stop trying to trollerize me! I know that that stuff about Mikey exploding after eating Pop Rocks with Cherry Coke and milk is just an Urban Legend because I know that he really died during the Vietnam War, and that's gotta be true because you can see the shadow of him being bayonetted by a North Vietnamese soldier in the middle of the Yellow Brick Road scene in "The Wizard of Oz", which they filmed during the war! Just once I'd like to hear someone earnestly explain what the deal is with why anyone is supposed to believe that they really were executing convicts on the set of "The Wizard of Oz". That's my favorite urban legend 'cause if you believe that one, it implies that after you commit mass murder you get to sit in on a big song-and-dance number before they fry you. Also, the legend varies between saying you can see the shadow of a guy in an electric chair or a shadow of a guy being hanged, but either way, it's just as perfectly plausible. Also, how come Mr. Wizard never did anything with Pop Rocks? I can think of a lot of places where he could put them. -- K. The hard part of manufacturing them is picking out all the Snap and Crackle rocks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 3 Jul 1999 04:36:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > < [a repost from 1997 about Matt's favorite toy record player] > > She had a Sesame Street record, one of the tracks on which was a story > about Ernie exploring the jungle with his "trusty rusty telescope." At the > end, a lion or tiger or something appears and says, in a growly voice, > "Ernie, you left your trusty rusty telescope in my jungle." The record > skipped on "in my jungle," so that playing this track would result in the > growly voice saying "in my jungle in my jungle in my jungle" infinity > times. My sister would leave this playing for hours. I thought for years > that she actually believed it to be part of the story, until she admitted > that she was just doing it to annoy me. So then you fired up your Tooterville Trolley and she ran away crying. AND THEN SHE BECAME PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD! Honestly, I don't see "in the jungle in the jungle in the jungle" being annoying. It's not exactly "mahna manha" or "GAS-LIGHT VIL-LAGE, YES-TER-DAY'S FUN TO-DAY, BO-DE-OH-BO, BO-DE-OH-BO, OH-BO". But the Tooterville Trolley, now that's the world's most annoying toy. It's a little Fisher-Price locomotive which circles the room playing those colored plastic faux 45rpm records that kids can't break because they don't actually contain music. But, the thing is... it's not a music box. It's not electronic. It... has... a... whistle. Imagine if Willie Whistle emitted powerful blasts of air through his tweeter. Every one of the three or so songs the Tooterville Trolley could play sounded like this (imagine this amplified to Flintstones steam-whistle volume:) TOOT TOOT TOOT! TOOT TOOT TOOT! TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT! TOOT TOOT TOOT! TOOT TOOT TOOT! TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT TOOT! I consider this one of the most dangerous toys ever made because if the house was on fire you wouldn't be able to hear the smoke alarm. Also, it's the toy that made me WANT TO KILL!!! -- K. Which one made you want to kill? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sat, 3 Jul 1999 04:24:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.pants.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fun fact: Bakelite was invented by a Belgian named Leo Beakeland, who also > > invented veloxes... > > Dr. Baekeland was working for the Loando Hard Rubber Company Please stop making fun of Peter Jurasik's hair. I mean, sure, they named the dinosaur era after him just because he had that big sailfin growing out of his hair, but that's no reason to imply that it was made of rubber, or was in any way hard. So how come there are Hard Rubber companies but not any that make Brittle, Easily Shattered Rubber? (Of course, they would make lots of money selling O-rings to NASA.) > and was actually trying to invent a synthetic rubber for use in telephone > switchboards "Hear that phone ringing, Little Billy? It does that through the magic of... RUBBER!" (sound of phone going "DING-A-BOI-OI-OING-NG!!!") > and electrical power distribution panels. He formed the > Boonton Rubber Company in 1906 to make this stuff, Now I *know* you're trying to confuse me, because I looked Dr. Beaekaeleand up on the Web and it said that Bakelite was made by The Bakelite Company and not something with a silly name like "Boonton". Also you forgot to mention that, due to his work on rubber switchboards, he is also the spiritual grandfather of Archimedes Plutonium's electric Velcro. > and the Boonton Molding Company still makes it to this day. (I was working > there when the Korean War broke out). If you think the stuff smells bad > when it is finished (it does), you should try breathing it for 8 hours > before it is cured! You should try smelling Archie Plutonium for eight hours before he is cured! > Bakelite was so much better than rubber for telephone work that they > tried using it for radio circuits too. The oldest continually > operating electronics company in the USA (RFL) started in 1922, and > dozens of companies grew up in the area to build equipment to test > bakelite and other electronics materials. The valley of the Rockaway > River should be called Vacuum-tube Valley, a forerunner of the Silicon > Valley out here. I think that Silicon Valley should model itself on Vacuum-Tube Valley: They should build a giant dome over all of California and pump the air out. And then every few weeks the USA should remove the whole state when it burns out and drive over to Radio Shack to stick it in the tube tester. -- K. When I was a kid I thought tube-tester machines were the ultimate in technology. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mini-European ARKPLE with paper prawn rolls Date: 27 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > [re something at the bottom of one of David's tortuously > > long and funny articles] > > > > It's a good thing Dag responded to this, because I'd never have seen it. > > HEY PACHECO, STOP TAKING 700 LINES TO GET TO THE JOKE ALREADY. > > EXPERIMENT CONTINUES KOMRADES STOP AVOCADO AVENGER ATTENTION SPAN UPPER > LIMIT IS LESS THAN 133 LINES STOP CONTINUE TO REDUCE SIZE OF POSTS UNTIL > AVENGER RESPONDS STOP MUST DETERMINE OPTIMAL LENGTH FOR POSTING OF > SECRET MESSAGES THAT AVENGER WILL IGNORE STOP MAKING SENSE STOP END > TRANSMISSION STOP CEASE STOP END END END STOP CTRL-Z STOP QUIT STOP > LOGOUT STOP STOP STOP STOP According to the curve I've evolved for my scorefile, articles gain points as they lengthen, but after they reach 125 lines the points stop accruing until they get long enough to be zapped for being overlength. In other words, the plateau in my scorefile is at (125..very large). Scores drop for articles which are very short or very long, but other than that they increase as the articles lengthen up to 125, then they stay at that high score as long as they're not enormous. In other words, an article of 125 lines is always incredibly interesting, but an article of 133 lines is no more interesting, so Stacia's wasting eight lines of her brain buffer by reading all the way to line 133 before she gives up. She should stop around 125 or so to be like me. > By the way, I apologize for my verborrheic posts: this newsreader does > it automatically. > > You should see the ones I delete. S'ok, I always undelete 'em. I'm using Norton Internet Doctor. It can undelete posts that were cancelled, have expired, or were never sent, remove mail messages that you accidentally sent to your boss, automatically fix E-mail addresses that paranoid people deliberately mangled, and it even checks for tab damage. Oh, and when it finds a 404 on someone else's Web site, it fixes it, and when it finds a site that says "UNDER CONSTRUCTION, COME BACK AFTER 1995" it finishes it. And then shoots someone. > > What I love about ARK is that if people don't always agree on the same > > thing, there's still respect for each other's opinions and there's love > > for each other, and certainly never any half-joking comments or hostility > > or anything. > > I disagree with your opinions, but I will defend to the death your right > to be smacked upside the head every time you express them. Hey! Hey! Hey! Be nice to Stacia, she's just a girl and therefore deserves special treatment! David, you're mean for not being sexist enough! > > Still, I'm not sure how to feel, knowing that when some of > > you guys get together, one of the first things on your mind is "HAW HAW > > THIS IS PISSING STACIA OFF!" Sure, the attention is nice, and it keeps > > you from talking about my stinky feet, but is it worth it? > > It's called a meme, and it's not something that's thought about a lot, > just inserted into convenient locations (IYKWIM)* at the appropriate and > previously agreed-upon times, following relatively strict but constantly > changing rules. And by the way, we weren't talking about it in the > restaurant, it's just something I thought of whilst composing the post. You THINK whilst composing your posts? Next you'll tell me you think whilst composting your poses. I don't know what that means, but as they always say, oncology decapitates progeny! > * for example Stop repeating yourself. You used an asterisk TWICE in the same post. The asterisk is only supposed to occur in one place and not be attached to anything. Don't you read ads in glossy magazines? > As to whether it is worth it or not, I can't answer that until the Stock > Exchange opens up on Monday. I'm trying to get a $25 million loan from > the banks, with all revenues from my future posts as collateral. And > since I haven't posted much this weekend (yet), it's only responses to > my previous posts that are artificially propping up the share prices. My stock (ticker symbol KIBO) goes up a dollar every time I call Archimedes Plutonium an idiot. By the way, he's an idiot. Yay! Now I can buy a can and a half of SpaghettiOs! > Every time Kibo responds to one of my posts, I get a pellet! And a > nasty electric shock! Enema! B. F. Skinner invented the motorized Pez dispenser. Film, and pellet, at 11. > ...MSFT +3/16... DIS -1/16... KIBO +7 hectares... Is a hectare bigger than a centon? Thanks in advance if you can tell me in advance of when I needed to know for my homework which was due fifteen years ago. -- K. I keep my heart wrapped in ticker tape. ----------------------------------------------------- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mini-European ARKPLE with paper prawn rolls Date: 27 Jun 1999 00:00:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > 1- I just remembered that I once suggested that Kibo should have a > > taste-determined scorefile, with a thin line of ketchup over the > > posts he likes, and a thin segment of string cheese over the > > people he hates. Not over their posts. And over Dag's posts, > > some *SERIOUS* noodles. > > Hey, I had FUN noodles. My "friends" had SERIOUS noodles. But are they "pasta noodles" or "noodle-style pasta"? I'm still trying to invent pasta that's not noodle-style. My latest attempt is a sphere of solid durum semolina flour eighteen feet across. With a tiny rock at the center. > > 1- Question for Kibo: let's say, for the sake of argument, that > > you were found guilty of political crimes and sentenced to thirty > > years hard labor in the Gulag archipelago durian mines. > > I mispronounced "durian mines" as "durian mimes" when I was talking > about that. I'm not sure I like the images that gives me. Well, at least they'd only PRETEND to smell bad. And you wouldn't be able to smell 'em anyway 'cause they'd be in that airtight glass box. > > [...] > > > > If you don't die of dreaded durian lung before that, as so many > > thousands have before you. I think it would be worse to get bagpipe lung, or worse, one bagpipe lung and one harmonica lung. Then everyone else would want to kill you all day. -- K. I almost forgot to put something here. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My favorite international standards bodies. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 20:39:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was poking through some Web sites related to international standards > > (because I want to make alt.religion.kibology ISO 9000 certified) > > Waaah! > > That means as a supplier to alt.religion.kibology I have to > get ISO 9000 certified also, and to do that I have to make > sure that everyone who has ever used touched same electrons > as me also get ISO 9000 certified and then they have to get > their electrons to get their protons ISO 9000 certified. > > And then I have to send $5 to each of the five names on the > list and add mine to the bottom. THIS REALLY WORKS! AND IS > NOT ILLEGAL! ESPECIALLY IF YOUR ARE A MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT! While looking through the ISO's Web site yesterday (their list of links prompted that article) I came to realize that the ISO is not actually a standards organization, just a scam. Their Web site doesn't actually have any standards posted on it. They want you to BUY 'em. (And even finding the list of subjects is difficult.) The only thing on their Web site is a lot of puffery about getting your company ISO 9000 certified: -> Our best advice to you is: scrap ISO 9000 and ISO 14000! Unless, that is, -> implementing these standards helps your organization to achieve better -> business results. And, going on user feedback, we believe it will... [LSD-inspired illustration of a bus driving through ISO 9000 land] -> -> The Magical Demystifying Tour of ISO 9000 and ISO 14000 -> -> To give you a handle on the ISO 9000 and ISO 14000 phenomena, we invite -> you on a grand tour. At the first stop, we shall tell you how they fit -> into "the big picture" of ISOÕs work. We shall be visiting "generic -> management system standards". If that phrase has seemed rather -> indigestible in the past, our explanation will enable you to take it at a -> single bite in future. -> The three-headed 'Ation' beast: certification, registration and -> accreditation -> Why should my organization implement ISO 9000? -> -> The existence of an organization without customers, or with dissatisfied -> customers, is in peril! ...plus some nicely racist cartoons showing those wacky wacky Japanese people with their thick glasses and buck teeth making their cheap shoddy cameras. > We must breed more management consultants from our existing > in order to spread more and better management to young thrusting > capitalists with soviet special forces touching their back > pockets. Then they can have a new stable banking system like > the Albanians! In bed! with Spiro Agnew! I tried to figure out what ISO 9000 really is, I did I did, but it seems to consist entirely of buzzwords. I think that ISO 9000 certifies that your company is packed to the gills with buzzwords. Anyway, the ISO seems to be pushing ISO 9000 (and its little brother, ISO 14000, which certifies that your company loves the environment) and to hell with all that stuff about electrical and hardware standards. Who needs to make their nuts and bolts fit together, or make shoes that conform to the ISO Mondopoint sizes, when they can be ISO 9000 certified, which gives them a little piece of paper proving that their company is perfect in every way? It's sort of like Mensa for conglomerates. -- K. a.r.k is sort of like Mensa for the smart. P.S. I think if ISO 9000 and ISO 14000 certification for a.r.k turns out to be hellishly expensive, we'll just certify compliance with ISO 9001 through ISO 13999. They all exist, right? They're not just skipping a thousand numbers at a time to be cool, are they? If so, I would lose all the respect I have for the ISO. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My favorite international standards bodies. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 20:45:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Proc" (proc@somewhere.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Whatever organization I form, it would standardize > > and certify things like what it means to be a Kibologist at Blue Level, etc. > > Would there be different coloured belts for the different levels? > Perhaps with a test inbetween them involving beating up Arnold from > Happy Days, or catching Martin Landau with a pair of chopsticks? I think a better test would be whether anyone on alt.religion.kibology could beat up Al from "Happy Days". I mean, Kibologists aren't usually Jackie Chan. Although I think Jackie Chan is a Kibologist. He just doesn't know it yet. Anyway, I wouldn't want to beat up Arnold 'cause he's a nice old guy. Although he *was* in that movie where Jerry Lewis ruined a perfectly good Kurt Vonnegut novel. Fun fact: In the pilot episode of "Happy Days" (not the "Love American Style" episode, the one where Potsie shows Richie how to unhook a bra in the bathroom), the drive-in is named "Arthur's". Also, when Fonzie comes into the bathroom as Potsie is leaving, you can see "T"s and "X"s all over the floor in electrical tape, for the actors to stand on. IT WAS ALL SCRIPTED!!! Also, that's the only episode where anyone bothers to ask Potsie why his nickname is "Potsie". Then for the next ten years nobody thought it was a weird name. AND THEN AFTER THE SHOW PREMIERED THOUSANDS OF MOTHERS NAMED THEIR BABIES "POTSIE"! "Happy Days" always struck me as weird because Richie and Potsie and Ralphie and Fonzie and Joanie and Howie hung out with Marion. What sort of a name is "Marion"? It doesn't even end in ONE vowel! -- K. I wonder why nobody ever named their babies "Fonzie". I think I'll change my name to "Fonzie". How does "Archimedes Fonzie" sound? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: nerd Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 02:59:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In eleven newsgroups, Uncle Al (uncleal0@hate.spam.net) wrote: > > [re the "Academias Neutronium" robot] > > Silly poop; it's a text generator. Doo-doo ex machina. > > It spoofs the mostly departed and wholly unlamented Archimedes Plutonium > (ejected from Dartmouth for being below their standards, which roughly > positions him lower than whale shit). Even Kibo derides that prolix > spamming mindless fool. Kibo who was here before all. Kibo who is > everywhere. Kibo who mostly never hated anybody despite abundance and > good cause. I hate people who flatter me. (Of course, I don't have to reject the flattery...) -- K. Besides, I thought whale poop floated. I think you mean Archie is lower than those manganese nodules that the glowing two-headed giant squid on "seaQuest" pooped out. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: nerd Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 04:19:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Uncle Al (uncleal0@hate.spam.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In eleven newsgroups, Uncle Al (uncleal0@hate.spam.net) wrote: > > > > > > [re Archimedes Plutonium] Even Kibo derides that prolix > > > spamming mindless fool. Kibo who was here before all. Kibo who is > > > everywhere. Kibo who mostly never hated anybody despite abundance and > > > good cause. > > > > I hate people who flatter me. > > > > (Of course, I don't have to reject the flattery...) > > Mole ruit sua. (Whatsamatta, you didn't like "Lair of the White > Worm?") Ain't seen it because TV Guide once misprinted the title as "Nair of the White Worm" and that was too scary a concept for me. * > Little people need a god, and a priesthood to show them how > much they must sacrifice to approach the throne. There was this one guy who kept sacrificing and sacrificing... I think his name was Zeno. He died halfway across the red carpet. > You are stuck with the job. YAY! > Merely avoid personally meeting anybody who believes in you and > you have it all set. Golly, I hope I can find time not to meet humans face-to-face what with my busy schedule of accessing the Internet 24 hours a day. > I'll send you 10% of the collection plate, but what about the money in it? > plus the occasional hot chick who thinks her body is carte blanche entry to > all that is powerful. You know - a blonde who beds a Hollywood writer. Hey! I just figured out your secret identity! You're Gharlane! > van Karmen dies and goes to heaven where, upon entry, he is given a chit > good for asking one question of God Him/Her/It/Themself. van Karman > queues up in the sloooly moving line. Time passes. Lots of time > passes. Finally van Karman stand before the throne of God, gets his > chit validated, clears his throat, and asks his question, > > "God, explain tubulence" > > Whoosh! van Karmem spends the rest of eternity roasting in Hell. > > That's a physics joke. Waah! I don't get it. My knowledge of physics must be entirely in the completely serious areas. Catch you later, radical toobulence dood! -- K. * fabrication (although I can't prove that it is one, because they COULD have spelled it that way and nobody could possibly check all TV Guides printed since the Big Bang.) --> I am having fun with alignment. <-- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reading a.r.k. with a touchpad Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Tue, 29 Jun 1999 20:53:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > Recently, the missus and I purchased a touchpad for the family room 'puter, > partly just for the helluva it, and also so we don't have to keep cleaning > dust, dirt and other gunk out of the mouse. Why not split the difference and use the mouse ON the touchpad? Then you wouldn't have to plug in the mouse, 'cause the touchpad would sense the thing rolling around on it, and because you're just using the mouse as the touchpad's stylus, you'd never need to clean the rollers. In fact, you could glue the ball in place, like that guy who thought that would keep his high school students from having mouse-ball fights. * * Allegedly a true story, but I put it in the same category with the "broken 4X cup-holder" friend-of-a-friend stories. However, in the days of five-inch disks, I *did* actually encounter someone who read "remove disk from sleeve" in the instruction book and then carefully peeled the black plastic stuff away from the brown circle. > It takes some getting used to, but it's not bad, especially browsing > through a.r.k. subject headers and authors: The implied sensation of > seemingly running one's finger over "Short Shameful Confession" or > "Nick S Bensema" could be described as, well, almost sensual. Try a Braille terminal sometime. (I wonder what ":-)" feels like... more to the point, what Braille letters are shaped the most like ":-)"?) > At this point, I'm going to stop this post, because an