Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.geo.geology,sci.logic,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fermat's Last Theorem in 1993 and ill defined Finite Integers Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 05:31:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology My, Archie was a busy beaver today. In sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Some people remember when I first came to the Internet in August of > 1993. Yeah, but most have forgotten that you're still here. > [2,549 lines of blather deleted] And in sci.geo.geology, Archie wrote: > > I do not know when the next time I can devote so much concentration > upon > geology. Oh, yeah, you've been devoting all of your brainpower to geology. Which must explain the articles you've posted about marzipan, squirrels, dog poop, professional wrestling, and your laserdisc collection. > [1,322 lines of blather deleted] And to cap it all off, in sci.logic, Archie wrote: > > I do not know when the next time will be when I can cover all the > sciences > with the Internet. If you can't cover them with the Internet, maybe you could hire Dr. Abian to cover them with 200 tons of cosmetic lava. > [5,797 lines of blather deleted] You know, what I love most about Archie's articles is that you'd expect a 5,800-line article to begin with a bunch of tedious filler, but no, Archie, being the genius he is, always starts off with something worth responding to. -- K. You know, like that first paragraph in his autobiography. The poopy one. P.S. Actually, my theory's wrong. Archie just posted a 10,323-line article to sci.physics.particle which started with something boring, and even the little 2,971-line one in sci.physics.electromag was dull. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fermat's Last Theorem in 1993 and ill defined Finite Integers Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1999 00:02:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jeff Spencer (Jeffrey.C.Spencer.91@alum.dartmouth.org) wrote: > > "Johann Titanium" (Johann Titanium@JohannTitanium.com) wrote: > > > > Once again, Archimedes Plutonium demonstrates > > his mastery of the ASCII character set. > > There are many words in the English language, and Archie > uses some of them. And once again, I would like to apologize for teaching Archie to actually press the "zero" key on his Macintosh rather than pressing "option-shift-O" to make his magical Slashed Capital O's Of Science for his special science dates. Which, you recall, are just like Earth dates, only minus one thousand nine hundred and forty, plus slashes through the zeros. So, anyway, I can truthfully claim to have taught Archie everything he knows about numbers. Would someone please travel back in time so that they can tell me not to be so nice to Archie in 1993? -- K. Also, I apologize for not thinking of this earlier: 'Cause Archie is a professional "potwasher" (he refuses to admit he washes dishes, only pots) from now on we should call him "Potsie". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why "Sesame Street" is still the kOol3sT kids' show Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:18:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > For the first time since they stopped showing the chef falling down the > stairs (which made me cry), there is a portion of "Sesame Street" that > makes me want to look away or turn the channel as quickly as possible. Also, the idea that you like "Sesame Street" makes me want to not watch it. NOW STOP SUPPRESSING THE ELMONIUM ALUM TONALITY, HARVARD'S MCIRVIN!!! -- K. TIME HAS MUPPET CROTCH!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why "Sesame Street" is still the kOol3sT kids' show Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 06:39:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You missed the NOTHING BUT ELMO SCREAMING AT THE CAMERA portion of the > > show, right? > > Nope, seen it plenty times. It was only slightly less bearable than when Jamie > Lee Curtis guest-starred on a "Sesame Street" episode as Elmo's special > friend(tm), and in each segment she appeared Elmo would screech "Jamie Lee! > Jamie Lee!" until I almost started yearning for the days of Go-Bots. > > Of course, from what I understand, Elmo has his _own_ show now, so anyone > who enjoys hearing a high-pitched sandgravel voice speaking rudimentary > English can indulge their whim to the utmost. THEY SAY IT'S A SHOW WITHIN A SHOW! I SAY IT'S MORE LIKE A SHOW WITHOUT A SHOW! I meant to say that in a Gene Shalit voice, but it would be more fun if you pretended that Gene Shalit was really a puppet voiced by Jim Henson, and after delivering the lines he made a fist inside his face like Kermit did. Anyway, here's the secret behind those tedious fifteen-minute-long "Elmo's World" segments which close every episode of "Sesame Street"... very slowly... these days: "Sesame Street"'s original aim was to imitate the style of TV commercials, because they found that kids could memorize beer jingles before they could walk. The short segments allowed them to repeat segments without boring the adults too much. Everyone loved the fast pace. In the eighties, they took the concept further, modelling many of the newer segments on music videos (thank you for destroying American culture, MTV) with longer, but even faster-paced segments full of special effects, loud music, and jillions of quick edits. Then someone did a study of television's impact on hyperactive behavior in children. The assumption all along had been that only things that showed people karate-kicking each other in fast motion (e.g. "Power Rangers", "Benny Hill") would make kids hyperactive, but it turned out that anything with quick cuts made the kids jumpy, no matter what the content! So after twenty years of being BAD FOR CHILDREN, they changed the "Sesame Street" formula to slow it waaaaaay down. Now they have much more of the "live action" segments (the boring ones where Rosita does a jigsaw puzzle on the fake street, as opposed to the Muppet segments where Rosita might do something on the fake chest-high brick wall) and every episode includes fifteen minutes of Elmo talking to the camera about how much he wuvs you. Thankfully, they dropped the reggae version of the original theme song which had afflicted the show in the mid-nineties. Now they have a properly bouncy, non-designed-by-committee-of-old-white-guys-trying-to-be-hip one, although it still doesn't compare to the original. And why does Sesame Street have TWO Chrysler buildings next to Central Park? But at least they finally figured out how to let Caroll Spinney use BOTH of his hands inside the giant chicken suit. In MY day his right hand always hung limp and lifeless, and he didn't even have a ballpoint pen to hold like Bob Dole. Apparently Spinney's right-handed and had the hand inside the beak. I don't know what they use now but I think it's one of those rigs where he nods his head a little to make the mouth flap. And now, to give you folks further seventies flashbacks... I'VE SEEN EVERY EPISODE OF "THE ELECTRIC COMPANY"! I EVEN HAD THE MAGAZINE!!! Please, no jokes about Letterman getting his own show. But it's okay to make fun of the way Spider-Man always said "BWAMP BLEEEE GLORP" in tomorrow's episode, or anything about Jo Anne Worley. More people should make fun of Jo Anne Worley because she was on my TV a lot when I was a kid. -- K. I EVEN SAW THE EPISODE OF "THE MAGNIFICENT MARBLE MACHINE" WHERE JO ANNE WORLEY MADE FUN OF THE GUY WHO SPLIT HIS PANTS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why "Sesame Street" is still the kOol3sT kids' show Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 22:36:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [re "The Electric Company"] Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > > > For me, a little of Jo Anne Worley went a long way. Quite a long way. > > Hell, I remember her on "Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In," back when I was > > young enough to wish that they'd quit showing Goldie Hawn dancing in a > > bikini and have more of those NEAT fast-action film clips of the guy > > in the rain gear riding the little tricycle. Who was NEVER REVEALED TO BE ELVIS!!! Because the stupid Colonel wouldn't let him do the show. Elvis wanted to be the guy in the mackintosh but apparently the Colonel was no fan of classy comedy. > > It was a few years later when I came to realize that what I wanted to > > see was Goldie Hawn in a bikini riding the tricycle. Or maybe Maureen > > McCormick (riding the tricycle, that is -- not being ridden by Goldie Hawn). Unfortunately, you got Gary Owens in a bikini. Which had previously been worn by Ernie Kovacs. > > Anyway, on just about every "Laugh-In" episode, you could count on Jo Anne > > Worley to: > > *make some obtuse non-sequitorial remark about a "chicken joke." > > *let fly with her patented ultra-falsetto pseudo aria as she was about > > to begin a conversation > > *fondle any male guest star > > *poke fun at Goldie Hawn (e.g. "GOLLLLLLLLLDEEEEE! You are _adorable_, but > > you're DUMB, darling, DUMB!") Wait... are you saying that "Laugh-In" had formulaic or repetitious aspects, and was slapped together assembly-line-style and the actors didn't just make it all up live? Are you saying that all those 48,000 identical sketches with Ruth Buzzi and Arte Johnson on the park bench were filmed in one hour and then spliced into every episode? Are you saying that you're smarter than "Laugh-In", huh? Well, are you? NEXT YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT "THE ELECTRIC COMPANY" WAS A RIP-OFF OF "LAUGH-IN" JUST BECAUSE IT HAD EXACTLY THE SAME FORMULA AND EXACTLY THE SAME CAST AND EXACTLY THE SAME TARGET AUDIENCE! WELL I SAY THAT MEANS IT WASN'T A RIP-OFF, IT WAS JUST THE SAME SHOW WITH A DIFFERENT TITLE SO IT COULD BE ON TWO NETWORKS!!! > Tom has always said that if he ever got to meet Jo Anne Worley or Ruth > Buzzey in person, he'd break into tears of joy. But would he be disappointed to discuover that Ruth Buzzi doesn't actually have that deformed Klingon forehead that she always had in the park-bench sketches? -- K. And why was Arte Johnson turned on by her, anyway? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why "Sesame Street" is still the kOol3sT kids' show Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1999 00:29:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mike Zeares (mzeares@mindspring.com) wrote: > > "Leah Verre" (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [stuff about "Sesame Street" in the olden days] > > > > [general agreement with everything Kibo says] > > I was also very upset that the adults didn't believe Big Bird. Looking > back on it, the Snuffleuppagus was obviously a metaphor for child abuse. They changed it so that the grown-ups COULD see him once some child psychologist decided it would be healthier to encourage kids to have imaginary friends that other people CAN see. I have never figured out that logic. I would have just explained that Snuffy was make-believe: BIG BIRD Okay, Gordon, I admit it. I was only pretending! Snuffy's just my imaginary, made-up friend! There is no Mister Snuffleupaguss! (SNUFFY WINKS AND DISAPPEARS WITH A TINY POPPING NOISE.) BIG BIRD And, Gordon, I made you up too. (GORDON LOOKS SHOCKED AND ALSO DISAPPEARS WITH A TINY POPPING NOISE.) BIG BIRD And there are no letters of the alphabet after "J"! (THE "SESAME STREET" SIGN CHANGES TO " E A E EE ".) BIG BIRD Also, I made up television! (THE TV SCREEN FILLS WITH STATIC, FOREVER.) > Lots of things on "Sesame Street" upset me. I always felt sorry for the > guy who just wanted to paint a 3, but his work kept getting destroyed by > some random act of nature. This kind of cosmic irony was a little much > for a 5-year-old. The one that freaked me out was the one with the 47 yellow dots on a blue field: (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) (@) ...as they were counting them out with the "DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT, DOOT, DOOT!" music, the 48th one (representing Arizona) would always come out the wrong shape and color and would go "BLORCH!" They would show slightly different permutations of this segment six or seven times during some episodes, and around the fifth repetition I'd burst into tears of frustration. Of course, eventually they would get it right, and I assume the moral was supposed to be "Don't give up." but I think it really came out more like "Ha! Ha! You're powerless to stop this from getting screwed up over and over!" The other bit on "Sesame Street" that made me cry was when they showed all these kids blowing gum bubbles as this chorus of kids intoned very slowly, "BEEEEEE... BEEEEEEE ISSSS FORRRR BUBBLLLLE... BUBBLLLE BUBBLLLLE BUBBBBBLE..." and when the kids' bubbles popped and clung to their faces I'd start crying because I had apparently been exposed to "The Prisoner". Don't get me started on the parts of "The Electric Company" and "Beat The Clock" that bothered me. Did Roald Dahl write for all these shows? > I actually liked the "live action" segments more than all the > "commercials," except for some of the muppet stuff, and the > chef-falling-down-the-stairs bit, of course. It was like a soap opera > to me. Now, of course, I just want to see "Monsterpiece Theater" or > Kermit as the reporter (the Three Little Pigs is a classic) and stuff > like that. Know what I always loved the best? The card that said "MUPPET NEWS FLASH". I still think it's *SO* graphically intense, that little black card with the black thundercloud and wacky lettering. > > [re "J. P. Patches"] > > > > And the sekrit word for opening the basement door was the unforgettable > > "Zabba Zabba Zabba Zoo ... Secret Door .. Alakazoo!" And then the > > "Oogachucka" song would play .. but only the beginning part, and not the > > stupid pop song part. And then JP would feed the Furpl some Furpl Food, > > which was a big box of styrofoam pellets. Then the Furpl would grab a > > handful and stick them under his armpit and "chew". > > Wow. That's weirder than "The Bananna Splits." That "Zabba Zabba Zabba > Zoo" thing is really tickling my brane. I could swear I've heard it > before. Perhaps in a Zanna-Zarbera cartoon? > Where did this show air? Perhaps on television? -- K. PERHAPS DUH!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why "Sesame Street" is still the kOol3sT kids' show Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 22:27:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > > > You probably don't even remember when adults couldn't see the > > > Snuffaluppagus. > > > > Hey, I remember when they ADDED Snuffy. And that one year where they had > > a big Dalek-shaped robot that followed Big Bird around going "BOOP BOOP > > BOOP". > > Do you think they'd ever consider rerunning the old stuff? Like the fateful > meeting twixt the two huge mutant muppets? Hey! Herry wasn't a mutant! He was just slow. > Also, dos Big Bird still sit in a big nest with li'l Bird, and make funny > snoring noises that sound like he's choking? Little Bird is long gone. I think maybe Big Bird sat on him. > > > Or when Oscar was orange. > > > > Brown, kid, brown. > > Brown ... orange ..... The point was that HE WAS NOT GREEN, Mr. Fancypants. But orange is a shade of green. Didn't you ever own an Atari 800? Color #13 was "orange-hyphen-green" in the computer's official rule book. > > Now, Ernie, he's orange. Guy Smiley, WHO IS SECRETLY THE SAME MUPPET AS > > DON MUSIC, is mustard-colored, like Bert. And then there's that guy with > > the spherical blue head that plays all the parts nobody cares about. > > I always think of him as the music store customer. > "I want a "BWA BWA BA DA DA DUM .. BWA BWA BA DA DA DUM .. > BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BA DA DUM." And then Benny Hill hands him a roll of toilet paper. > > > Or when Luis ran a meth lab in his shop. > > > > Hey, hey, hey, no fair making stuff up. > > Oh, what .. is this a new ARK rule? Yes. I just made it up, and it immediately invalidated itself. So stop following the rule or the Universe could explode. And then I'd sue you for blowing up my favorite Universe! > Too bad. > > HEY EVERYBODY! Remember when Kibo had four extra arms and then Grimace came > along and stole them, and then someone else came and ripped them off of > Grimace to make milkshakes?!?! I still want to know what the deal with Grimace is. "Wow! I wanna eat at McDonalds because a big purple amorphous blob of grease eats there!" In the new commercials, he has a family, and his family members all look exactly like him except THEY WEAR CLOTHES!!! Anyway, he's presumably ripped off from one of Sid'n'Marty Krofft's lesser creations, but I still have no clue what he's supposed to be. Is he a glob of the carageenan that makes their milkshakes stand up under their own power? > > Basides, you also didn't mention when Mr. Hooper died -- DURING A MUSICAL > > DANCE NUMBER ABOUT THE LETTER "J"! -- or when Gordon went bald between > > episodes and became a completely different person. > > Whatever happened to Gordon-With-Hair? And why did they pull the old > switcharoo on us without saying anything? > And Mr. Hooper was a clone of my grandfather, so I was very very very very > sad when he passed on. Here's another one for you: I remember when Captain Kangaroo wore makeup to look OLDER. > Every time I turn on Sesame Street now (which admittedly, is not nearly > frequently enough), someone different is running the store. Do they > constantly change ownership? Is business that bad?? It's the only store in > Sesame Street!!! Perhaps it's all the blue hair people keep finding in > their soup that drives them away. Well, every town has one store or restaurant that changes owners every six months (in Boston it's on the corner of Washington and Columbus, next to the pornography store with the bright purple windows) and because Sesame Street has only one store, it has to go out of business twice a year. I think next it's scheduled to be an Au Bon Pain for a few weeks, and then become a Starbucks, before all the Starbucks in the world go out of business after "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" premieres. > > Or Little Bird. I remember Little Bird. I even remember that > > Mark-Jason Dominus remembers Little Bird. > > Yeah, that tiny chicken that Snuffy could have eaten in one bite. > In fact, I think he should go around sucking up muppets. Especially Elmo. And Slimey. So how come he's called Slimey if he's made out of fuzzy felt? He should be called Linty. And what IS that thing that Kermit wears around his neck? And why does Baby Kermie wear pants (on "Jim Henson's Muppet Babies") but Adult Kermie doesn't? Why is Bert the only Muppet who can move his eyebrow? Why have Oscar and Big Bird never been in the same place at the same time? Which one of them does Caroll Spinney REALLY talk like? > > You didn't even mention Bob McGrath or the guy who wrote all his > > songs, Bebe Rebozo. > > Did he write "Take a Bath, Take a Bath, Take a BATH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!"? No, but I'm told he wanted to do "One of these things is not like the others..." with only two things. Both of which were invisible. > > > I have one of those old Fischer Price reels with the chef/pie/stairs bit > > > on it. The only drag is that there isn't any sound, > > > > A CHEF FALLING DOWN STAIRS ISN'T FUNNY UNLESS YOU CAN HEAR THE CRIES > > OF PAIN! > > This is truer than you could imagine. Scientists haven't yet verified it, though. I understand MIT has applied for a government grant to push a bunch of chefs down stairs. Especially Au Bon Pain chefs. > > Also, you forgot to mention that the guy who kept VERRRRRY SLOWWWWWLY > > painting numbers on the glass inside your TV's picture tube was > > Mike Jittlov. > > That was MIKE?!? Wow. Mike looked like a BUM! Who knew? That was before Mike got a crew cut and joined the Army, rising to the rank of Drill Sargeant, where he invented the "This is my rifle, this is my gun..." chant. > My office mate has THAT reel, btw. > Together, we have a collection of all the bits that were burned into your > brane and caused serious damage. Like the Pinball animation. We have that > one too. > > BTW .. Mike, how come you never made a Fischer Price reel of WoSaT? I see a > need. I think we should buy Mike a PXL2000 camera. > > "Gonna... paint... me... a... two..." just doesn't compare to "WHO WANTS > > TO SQUIGGLE???" for hyperactivity-inducing value. AND WHY DIDN'T THEY > > HAVE "PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE" WHEN I WAS 5? > > Okay well dig this: JP Patches had a transvestite clown girlfriend, who had > multiple personalities. He was also The Bad Guy, "Boris S. Wort", he was > the Friendly Furpl who ate Farmer Fred's Fresh Furpl Fodder from Ferndale, > and he was Ketchikan the Animal Man, as well as all the other miscellenious > characters that are important to a local TV show with an obviously high > budget. So what you're saying is that this show was created by Bob & Ray after they both had concussions? > The Furpl was my favorite character because it was basically a > giant piece of brown shag fashioned into a loose-fitting bodysuit, with a > bigly eye in the center. He also started out with two big dopey antennae, > but after a couple of years one fell off, and the other just sort of ended > up dangling in front of his eye. He never spoke in words, only in > "Rrrrr!"'s and "Uuuh?"s. I love any costumed character where pieces fall off over the years. Like the big tears in Spectreman's leather suit's armpits, or the way Dirty Frank on "Jabberwocky" got dirtier. > (Just like me!) And he lived in JP's basement. And the sekrit word for > opening the basement door was the unforgettable "Zabba Zabba Zabba Zoo ... > Secret Door .. Alakazoo!" And then the "Oogachucka" song would play .. but > only the beginning part, and not the stupid pop song part. And then JP > would feed the Furpl some Furpl Food, which was a big box of styrofoam > pellets. Then the Furpl would grab a handful and stick them under his > armpit and "chew". Of course, now that they're made of biodegradable corn starch, the things are ACTUALLY edible, so that's not silly any more! > This, my friends, is why I am the person I am today. > Now you know ...... the REST of the story. > > So NOW who the hell wants to squiggle? HUNH?!? I'm talking to YOU! ANSWER > ME!!!! I KILL YOU! I still wonder why Freihofer's had products other than carrot cake if they were run by the giant disembodied head of a rabbit. -- K. His facial expression was terrifying. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why "Sesame Street" is still the kOol3sT kids' show Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1999 00:55:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still want to know what the deal with Grimace is. "Wow! I wanna eat > > at McDonalds because a big purple amorphous blob of grease eats there!" > > In the new commercials, he has a family, and his family members all look > > exactly like him except THEY WEAR CLOTHES!!! Anyway, he's presumably ripped > > off from one of Sid'n'Marty Krofft's lesser creations, but I still have > > no clue what he's supposed to be. Is he a glob of the carageenan that > > makes their milkshakes stand up under their own power? > > Actually, they were Krofft creations originally, but then McDonalds > didn't want to pay them or some such deal, and stole the designs. > But you, of all people, probably know the entire story and are simply > trolling me into believing you don't. You're not reading, even though you're trying to explain my own comments to me. I said Grimace is "presumably ripped off from one of Sid'n'Marty Kroff's lesser creations". McDonalds had the Kroffts pitch them ideas for McDonalds characters and then told them to take a hike. And then ripped off the designs they'd been shown. Basically, it's the same as the rule why you couldn't have a guy doing a Don Knotts voice in your "Spy Fox" game, even though you obviously have an INCREDIBLY TALENTED stable of voice impressionists there at Humongous. If McDonalds had wanted to do a Krofft-like "look" without hiring the Kroffts, they should have just done it without asking the Kroffts to pitch. The Kroffts sued and, after MANY years of litigation, McDonalds settled with them for an undisclosed sum, presumably on the order of a penny for every hamburger they ever sold. > > I understand MIT has applied for a government grant to push a bunch of > > chefs down stairs. Especially Au Bon Pain chefs. > > Au bon Pain does not have "chefs". They have very angry people who > punch fingerholes in all the croissants. Wow. Your Au Bon Pains have croissants that you CAN punch fingerholes in? Here they're made out of some sort of compressed wax-and-lint stuff, like those "campfire starter" sticks. Come to Boston and we'll go over to Cambridge so that you can eat at THE FIRST AU BON PAIN EVER!!! And it's RIGHT IN FRONT OF HARVARD YARD!!! SO YOU KNOW IT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE OVERPRICED!!! > [re "J. P. Patches"] > > The show had such a low budget that the box of Furple Fodder was a > big cardboard box with the word "Sony" crossed out, and the words > "Fresh Furple Fodder" written underneath it in black Sharpie. Now you're trying to trollerize me. Sony brand cardboard boxes are EXPENSIVE. They would have had one which said "Goldstar" or "Red & White". > Wait until I send you some JP Patches, brothuh. Okay. I'm gonna fill up one last "Jabberwocky" tape and then you'll get more "Jabberwocky" than you could possibly stand, all in one batch. I've been recording them in SP-mode onto 8-hour tapes for archival prior to making copies for you. Would you rather have a bunch of SP-mode tapes or have it all on one big EP-mode tape? -- K. So, does anyone have "Gospel Pirates & The Bible Pumper" or that scary show with Psalty, the talking blue clown bible? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: on the issue of Gay Manimals Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:22:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > From Tom Verre: > ---------------------------------------- > > Leah and I watched Bill Kurtis' excellent INVESTIGATIVE REPORTS series > on A&E > this week where they spent five days looking at the gun issue from > just about > every possible side. Some of what they showed was horrific (and I > don't mean > horribly terrific) and we were often left feeling like we had two > choices...Laugh or Cry. > Yesterday's show was on Kids And Guns and it was especially scary, so > Leah and > I were loaded for bear, ready to bust up at the slightest hint of > comedy. So Bill's talking to a father and son from the Ozarks or > somewhere > about their hunting GAME ANIMALS, only he pauses for just a half > second and it sounds like he's talking with Redneck & Son about > shooting GAY > MANIMALS. > "May dad brought me out here today to harvest my first GAY MANIMAL, > just like > his father did with him!" But they only ever had stock footage of Manimal turning into (a) a black panther and (b) a hawk. He could only turn into those two animals because they couldn't afford to buy any more stock footage to make him turn into, say, Michael Landon as a teenage werewolf. So the question is, which was the gay one -- the panther, the hawk, or Michael Landon? -- K. I'd rule out the hawk because it was the one without the big poofy mane. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Inspector Bitten" Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:34:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think that this concept of an "obvious bag" is a fad in the making. > > People would carry around an "obvious bag" everywhere, and the proper > > response to an obvious remark would be to say, "Ooh, let me put that in my > > 'obvious bag,'" whereupon one would make as if to pluck an invisible talk > > balloon out of the air. Whereas that remark would, in this utopian > > future society, itself be obvious, one would have to be very careful not > > to say anything obvious lest one never cease making obvious remarks. > > You'd also have to be careful when opening up the Obvious Bag, or else > the air would quickly fill with dancing bears. In new fruit flavors and > smells! I'd like to point out that the Legal-Law Desk of the Legal-Law-Lawyer Department of the Kibonium Nuisance Legal-Lawsuit Foundation is going to be lawsuiting the front door of Dr. McIrvin's house because (a) I am not a crackpot and (b) I invented "The Bozing Box" back in 1988 or 1989. I may still even have a PostScript file of it somewhere. Failing that, I could redraw it in about five minutes. It was, after all, just a bozing box. However, the dancing bears are a better meme than The Bozing Box because they do double duty as both (c) "I can't think of anything to say to make the above seem sillier than it is" and (d) "That's so obvious, it has to be given dancing bears." I originally inserted dancing bears into the Internet for (c) but they have since become more along the lines of (d), which makes sense because all organisms evolve in the direction of letters towards the end of the alphabet. Eventually the dancing bears will dance all the way to (z), at which point the Universe will explode from the amount of dancing. Also, talk balloons are NOT invisible! They have black lines around them! -- K. Except for the ones that have a line of dancing bears around them. P.S. Hmm, upon doing some further research, I seem to have first used the dancing bears in April 1994 to represent "I just said something so lame it requires a music sting played by an entire symphony orchestra in outer space with dancing bears", but because this would have come before (c) or even (a) this means that I have just discovered Negative Letters, PROVING I AM NOT A CRACKPOT! Although I'm not sure what would come before negative z. Maybe a really tiny baby bear? Played by a bee in a bear suit? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Inspector Bitten" Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:46:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just wrote: > > P.S. Hmm, upon doing some further research, I seem to have first used the > dancing bears in April 1994 to represent "I just said something so lame it > requires a music sting played by an entire symphony orchestra in outer > space with dancing bears", but because this would have come before (c) > or even (a) this means that I have just discovered Negative Letters, > PROVING I AM NOT A CRACKPOT! Although I'm not sure what would come before > negative z. Maybe a really tiny baby bear? Played by a bee in a bear suit? I would just like to say that I spent the entire day working hard and then I made the mistake of reading some of the 50,000 lines of text Archimedes Plutonium spammed the Internet with today and some of it rubbed off on me and thus I AM NOT A CRACKPOT, I AM JUST ACTING EXACTLY LIKE ONE. -> It is good that the world has Internet, for the world can see living -> math done from the pouring of the concrete foundation all the way up to -> where the beautiful pictures are hung on the wall and the microwave is -> warming up cheese burritos. -- Archimedes Plutonium, 1995 -> My last several posts to sci.physics.fusion was when I was sleepy. -> Around 4 pm I take a hot shower and it makes me groggy. -- Archimedes Plutonium, 1997 Also I'd like to point out that I'm really sleepy. Thus, if someone ever asks you if I'm a crackpot, be sure to tell them I'm just sleepy. And if you ever find me dead, tell your kids I'm just VERY sleepy. Then, use my body in a medical-school prank. -- K., right now ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: NEWS BULLETIN Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Summary: I'm actually just curious as to whether the line-eater still exists. Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:50:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'M HUNGRY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: NEWS BULLETIN Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:02:16 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > I'M HUNGRY!!! > > > > There's Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts in the vending machine!!! WAAH! I DON'T HAVE A VENDING MACHINE IN MY HOME!!!! I wish I were rich so I could have vending machines in my house. Anyway, the way I solved the hunger problem was with canned ravioli, the sole benefit of which is that they are one of the few foods that only needs to be raised about two degrees above room temperature before you can consider it cooked enough to eat and yank it out of the oven. The liabilities of canned ravioli are: (1) They're CANNED RAVIOLI. They taste BAD. (2) They come in cans sized just right so that when you're really hungry you can definitely eat more than one can's worth but less than two can's worth, so you cook two cans of them (minus the can part) and you eat one and half cans before getting bored and squishing the remaining ravioli open with your fork and just eating the good brown goo in the middle and not the squishy pasta part. (3) Canned ravioli are the product of years of research into designing a substance which is just solid enough to refuse to come out of the can no matter how hard you shake it, yet soft enough that they disintegrate if you try to use any sort of solid object to pry them out of the can or stir them. (4) They come in too many sizes. Chef Boyardee has regular, extra-large, small, and extra-small varieties now. The extra-small ones are like confetti, only all slimy and squishy and so small that you can't chew them, they just slide right down your throat in their bright orange sugary pond scum sauce. I envision the next stage of shrinking ravioli will be new Aerosol Ravioli. -- K. And then there's that whole "modified cheese" issue. Fortunately, I can't taste it because not only is there less than one microgram of "cheese" per can, but it's been "modified" into something harmless, like cardboard. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: NEWS BULLETIN Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 22:42:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [regarding ravioli] David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (4) They come in too many sizes. Chef Boyardee has regular, extra-large, > > small, and extra-small varieties now. The extra-small ones are like > > confetti, only all slimy and squishy and so small that you can't chew > > them, they just slide right down your throat in their bright orange sugary > > pond scum sauce. > > Mmmmm. Tang Marinara. Mmmmm. Now, see, if Al Molinaro had played the "oriental" guy on Happy Days instead of Pat Morita, his character could have been named "Tang Marinara". And then Pat Morita wouldn't have been on the show, so he could have gotten started with "Karate Kid" movies a couple years sooner, so now they'd be up to twelve of them instead of nine, and they could have started when Ralph Macchio was young enough to remain a kid through more than one of the movies. Also Ralph Malph should have been Ralph Macchio in those movies because that would have kept him from making "Leo & Loree", THE WORST MOVIE EVER TO STAR RALPH MALPH!!!! -- K. I think he played Leo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New meme Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:53:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: New meme > > Kibosmack. I JUST GOT TIRED OF MEMES! EVERYONE STOP USING MEMES NOW! BE SURE TO TELL THIS TO EVERYONE!!! -- K. ALSO DRAW A BLUE STAR AT THE TOP OF THIS TO MAKE IT FAX BETTER! IT'LL COME OUT CLEARER IF YOU COLOR THE EDGES OF THE SHEET OF PAPER WITH A GREEN MAGIC MARKER! I AM NOT POSTING IN ALL CApS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 07:56:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > My new, computer interfaced, fully programmable watch beeps every day at > 3:30, and displays the message "BLARM" for no apparant reason. If you think that's weird, when I reply to one of your messages, my newsreader program deletes the "Simon de Vet" part of your name because it thinks it can't possibly be a real name. It does the same thing with "Dag ]gren". This design flaw does not affect those of us who post under our real names, such as "James "Kibo" Parry". -- K. So, the solution is to get some business cards printed up so that you'll be a real person. And list your occupation as "Internet Legend" to get out of jury duty. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 21:15:38 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > > > > > My new, computer interfaced, fully programmable watch beeps every day at > > > 3:30, and displays the message "BLARM" for no apparant reason. > > > > If you think that's weird, when I reply to one of your messages, my > > newsreader program deletes the "Simon de Vet" part of your name because > > it thinks it can't possibly be a real name. > > I went down to the university computer centre today to get an account. > The software AUTOMATICALLY decides what's a first name, and what's a last > name, saving the user valuable brain cells. > > It now thinks that my full name is: Vet Simon Jethro De. Jethro? Jethro de Vet? You're half banjo and half wooden shoes? In college one of my professors was named DeWitt Henry (as far as I could figure out). On the schedules everything was printed last-name-first so I always had to remember that "Henry DeWitt" was backwards like all the other ones. (Mr. Henry was and is the founder and editor of "Ploughshares", a respected literary magazine.) Then in Emilia Dubicki's class we once had a discussion of funny names we had encountered and someone mentioned having once spoken to someone named Ath Ith. And around the office, Mr. Software T. Die was pre-approved for a major credit card. But he's not real so he doesn't count. Poor Mr. Die! -- K. Me, I just live on a street whose name gets misspelled whenever I order anything over the phone and carefully spell it out letter by letter. I don't understand by they always ask me to spell things like my name and address if they're just going to key in that my name is "James Darry". But at least they sometimes get the name right, unlike the address, which is UNSPELLABLE no matter how hard I try. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 01:24:18 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Edward A Lowther (eal34@ciao.cc.columbia.edu) wrote: > > [re Kibo's sighting of a guy who halts and bends over after every two paces] > > I too, have seen the mysteriously bent over people. > There is some mystical vibe we Kibologists [...] must give > off. Causes bowing and/or abdominal cramping to some. The first time I read that, it said "causes bowling". I think it would be great if everywhere I went people had to start bowling, or get abdominal cramping. THOSE WOULD BE THE ONLY CHOICES!!! So, if you were closer to a Jar Jar lollipop than to a bowling ball, you'd be in trouble. -- K. I need to be tested to see if I cause bowling in laboratory mice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 01:19:05 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Me, I just live on a street whose name gets misspelled whenever I order > > anything over the phone and carefully spell it out letter by letter. > > "Peee Aiye See Aiche Eee See See Oh." No, "Saint Ay Ell Pee Aitch Oh Enn Ess You Ess Street". It's completely symmetrical, provided you abbreviate "Saint" to "Street" and vice versa, and misspell "Alphonsus" as "Salfoflas". > > I don't understand by they always ask me to spell things > > like my name and address if they're just going to key in that > > my name is "James Darry". > > Also, although I remember spelling my last name very clearly, I still > got mail recently for a Mrs. Leah Parry. So you owe me 6 years of > alimoney, which you can pay in cans of microscopic raviolies and a > double order of no assifetida. It's spelled "asafetida" or "asafoetida", depending on whether you want your ravioli to be filled with iron or enemies. I hear that Chef Boyardee is bringing out a new canned ravioli in which the ravioli are so big that they're filled with Bob Hope. ALL of Bob Hope. Complete in every raviolo. Also, just once I'd like to see ravioli without the pinking-shear edges. -- K. They should make bluing shears. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 06:02:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > > > "Peee Aiye See Aiche Eee See See Oh." > > > > "Saint Ay Ell Pee Aitch Oh Enn Ess You Ess Street". > > I fukken hate when people spell out individual letters. BEE EE EE, EE EE, EE EE; EE EE, DOUBLE YOU AITCH WHY, EE EE; TEE EE EE, EE EE, EE EE; EE EE, EE EE; EE EE, EE EM; EE EE, EE EE! -- KAY AY WHY, AY WHY, DOUBLE YOU AITCH WHY. And I did it without any help from Douglas Hofstadter and/or that stupid computer that exploded when Patrick McGoohan typed "DOUBLE YOU AITCH WHY". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 01:12:21 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > And around the office, Mr. Software T. Die was pre-approved for a major > > credit card. But he's not real so he doesn't count. Poor Mr. Die! > > But you have to admit, the middle name "Tooland" is bitchin'. Yeah, but I think "_-_" is still the king of middle names. -_- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:38:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "pete" (filandr@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think "_-_" is still the king of middle names. > > My military ID had NMN, which stood for No Middle Name, > but whenever I had to present it, > I was always asked about my middle name, > so I just said > "Nimin, It's a Russian name". Dear Pete Filandererer, I bet you're glad you never had to go to war with Russians. Then you might have been captured and Gorbachev would be whipping you with a rubber hose in some basement, and by military law you'd have to tell him your name, rank, and serial number, and I bet he wouldn't buy your story. Also I'm glad this never happened to me because when Gorbie asked my serial number I'd yell "PRODUCT 19!!!" and have to go to Siberia until Hell froze over. You could also have said that "NMN" was short for "Nine Meter Nails", but that might lead to a conversation about music from video games. Hmm, I think they just released Quake II for my weird flavor of computer. I should go out and get it so I can find out if they replaced the crates of "NIN" with crates of "Spice Girls". At the supermarket the other day I saw that they had huge jars of "Spice World" brand minced garlic. I pointed at them and yelled, "THE SPICE GIRLS HAVE SOLD OUT!!!!" but I don't think anyone noticed because I forgot to do that until I was on the way home and I don't think they could tell where I was pointing from inside the subway train. Anyway, getting back to the subject of "NMN", police reports often use "FNU" and "LNU" for "first/last name unknown", which occasionally leads to an article on a shoddy wire service (Hello, AFP!) about a guy named Fnu Lnu. And then it accidentally sets off the grep that lets it get into Richard Stallman's clipping file. -- K. "NMN" is also cool because you can say it on a WebTV just by typing "|\||\/||\|!!!!1" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 08:01:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > > > My new, computer interfaced, fully programmable watch beeps every day at > > 3:30, and displays the message "BLARM" for no apparant reason. > > WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BLARM? A virtual tear is sliding down my cheek as I realize that this meme will be the only way people of future generations will remember Freddy Freihofer, AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT FOR PUTTING MY HELL IN HIS SQUIGGLE!!! -- K. And you can quote me on THAT. In fact, you SHOULD quote me on EVERYTHING! From now on, all printed matter should have a copyright notice, followed by a quote from Kibo. Which would, of course, have a copyright notice of its own. Followed by a really tiny quote from Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 20:54:49 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp "Roger Douglas Lite 98% fact free" (rdouglas@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And you can quote me on THAT. > > > > In fact, you SHOULD quote me on EVERYTHING! > > > > From now on, all printed matter should have a copyright notice, > > followed by a quote from Kibo. Which would, of course, have a > > copyright notice of its own. Followed by a really tiny quote from Kibo. > > Little bees have smaller bees > Upon their backs to bite 'em. > And Kibo's quotes have smaller quotes, > And so ad infinitum. Hey! You forgot to copyright that! Now it's MINE!!! Besides, I liked that poem better when it was about fleas because the idea of "smaller" fleas is funnier than bees of various sizes because bees actually do come in big and small. But the poem would have been even better if it had said Little fleas have giant fleas upon their backs to bite 'em. And giant fleas have huger fleas, So everything you know is wrong. THE END. I don't trust any poem that doesn't have "THE END." at the end to tell me when I can stop reading it. > In fact, you SHOULD quote me on EVERYTHING! > - Kibo. > : <----microdots containing infinite regression Not to mention all the tiny copies of the word "SEX" you hid in those hyphens just for Wilson Bryan Key, the man who proved conclusively that you really can use an infinite regression of Ritz crackers sitting on each other to make things infinitely better. -- K. But NOTHING tastes better sitting on anything in Ritz Camera. Ritz Camera is to photography what Radio Shack is to computer science. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 20:45:43 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > > > Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > > > > > > > My new, computer interfaced, fully programmable watch beeps every day > > > > at 3:30, and displays the message "BLARM" for no apparant reason. > > > > > > WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BLARM? > > > > A virtual tear is sliding down my cheek as I realize that this meme > > will be the only way people of future generations will remember > > Freddy Freihofer, AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT FOR PUTTING MY HELL IN HIS > > SQUIGGLE!!! > > Don't worry, Kibo. I'm the only one who managed to latch on to that > particular phrase. In fact, I'm going to charge everyone who uses it > besides me (and you, of course. and maybe that Freddy guy) a big fat > dollar bill. YAY! I CAN SAY "HELL" FOR FREE! HELL HELL HELL HELL, HELL HELL HELL, HELL HELL, HELL, HELL HELL HELL!!! OH BIG HELL!!! WHAT A HELL!!! STOP BEING SUCH A TOTAL HELL!!! WHO THE HELL WANTS TO HELL? > I saw it, and now it's mine mine mine. > My mime. > My meme. Did you ever stop to think about those people who are too poor to have any memes? Like all those people who stand around at the bus stop talking to themselves 24 hours a day without ever once using a meme? "Argleblah Gerald Ford yargh blarm snow machine gurble yarglar so-called Oriental people narfglarb pantoblarm buried my head under the staircase narf..." (Actually, the guy I'm alluding to there did have a meme -- it was a guy I saw riding the Green Line, ranting to himself at the top of his lungs... Something along the lines of "The so-called Oriental people and their snow machine cut off my head and buried my head under the staircase..." Now if that's not a meme, I don't know WHAT is!) I guess a bigger problem than raving lunatics without memes would be the raving lunatics who have exactly ONE meme. Like that guy in the Daniel Clewes comic strip who was sighted picking up the pay phone, yelling "FUCK YOU!", and hanging it up, over and over and over and over... So, anyway, speaking of dysfunctional people in public, swear words, and memes or the lack thereof, allow me to share with you two encounters I had yesterday: (1) I was walking to the Osco drugstore, which is in a converted supermarket along my route home from work -- it's in a supermarket-shaped building (i.e. big and square) with a small parking lot in front of it. As I started walking through the parking lot I noticed a guy standing in the center of the lot (pointed towards the front door), bent over ninety degrees at the waist. Just holding that pose. Like he was waiting for someone to spank him. After reamining motionless for thirty seconds, he walked towards the front door, and then... right in front of the door... he suddenly bent over and froze again. Thirty-second pause. Then, he pulled open the front door (this is in a poor neighborhood so the doors don't open themselves, you have to do WORK to go shopping) and stepped into the little space between the outer and inner doors. And bent over froze again. After thirty seconds, he opened the inner door and went through the turnstile (awesome security system at this drugstore, a TURNSTILE.) Well, okay, he went HALFWAY through it -- he froze and bent double while standing in the middle of the turnstile. He made his way through the store a couple feet at a time this way, heading for the food department at the back corner, and made a small purchase (I didn't see what it was) entirely with small change. So, unless this guy had some sort of entirely physical medical reason for having to bow for thirty seconds every thirty-five seconds ("I'm sorry, sir, but our research indicates that the Earth will explode if you don't look directly at its core 95% of the time, and your heart will explode if you ever exert yourself by trying to move while looking at the Earth") I would say that this guy's brain was just locking up. Perhaps this is a case of an underflow of his meme stack. It's a shame people don't have RS-232 ports so you could attach a terminal to his brain to see what's happening: brain% Go to drugstore. Taking step... Taking step... *** ERROR: BRAIN FAILURE Memory fault: segmentation violation at 0xFFC0FD47 Cortex dumped. No such lobe: "frontal" Recursion depth exceeded (brain needs more convolutions) brain: not a typewriter UART not found Insert system disk and trigger any motor neuron to reboot REBOOTING... REBOOTING... REBOOTING... Rebuilding desktop. Clock has not been set. PRESS F2 TO EDIT BIOS SETTINGS Ready. brain% Go to drugstore. Taking step... Taking step... *** ERROR: BRAIN FAILURE I mean, I'd had to have to reconstruct that guy's filesystem. It would be easier just to reformat him and install clean wetware. (2) The same day, I observed another local fellow who appeared to be a few bricks short of having at least two bricks. This guy is one that Matt McIrvin once mentioned spotting, so he appears to be one of those people who is always nuts, rather than one of those people who is only insane just long enough to stab their wife 44 times. This guy's chief occupation is to sit there, and whenever anyone walks buy, to make two quacking/belching noises, and then laugh "HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!" and how he just blew someone's mind by quacking and/or belching (it's kind of hard to tell which. The "HAW HAW!" part is pretty clear, though.) I wonder why people even bothered inventing WebTV when there are such simple forms of entertainment as spending all day laughing at people who made the mistake of being able to listen to belching. -- K. (2) is intriguing because it's hard to figure out of the guy is crazy, stupid, or just so deprived of normal social contact that he hasn't discovered higher forms of humor, like stepping in dog doo and then kicking people. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:26:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Actually, the guy I'm alluding to there did have a meme -- it was a guy > > I saw riding the Green Line, ranting to himself at the top of his lungs... > > Something along the lines of "The so-called Oriental people and their snow > > machine cut off my head and buried my head under the staircase..." Now if > > that's not a meme, I don't know WHAT is!) > > Is that the "Goddamn Dukakis" guy? Every time we see a crazy person in > town, we call them a "Goddman Dukakis" guy, even if it's a gurl. I like how: * I post a couple thousand articles every year. * Most are about really inconsequential stuff. * Therefore, I can't possibly remember writing anything six weeks later. * But because there are thousands and thousands of you good folks on alt.religion.kibology, at least one of you will remember each item. * Therefore, I no longer need to remember anything! SO, GOODBYE, FRONTAL LOBES! NOW I CAN GET A LOBOTOMY WITH IMPUNITY BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE LOVE ME! AND AS A RESULT I LOVE YOU TOO! I ALSO LOVE, UH, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT CRISPY STUFF? Anyway, Stacia, the guy who insisted that the "so-called Oriental people" had decapitated him with their secret snow machine was not the "blah blah blah GODDAMN DUKAKIS blah blah blah blah GODDAMN DUKAKIS" guy. The snow machine guy was on a Green Line train, and the GODDAMN DUKAKIS guy was on the #66 (psycho) bus, during the day when I was briefly in the same room with... THE ACTUAL GODDAMN DUKAKIS!!! As far as the "quack/burp, quack/burp, HAW HAW HAW!!!" guy goes, Matt McIrvin logged a sighting of him on the #350 bus (one of the ones LEAST likely to have psychos on it, unlike #66) and yesterday I saw him sitting around near the Brigham Circle station. -- K. I don't remember him being in any episodes of "Brigham Circle", thank god, but I do recall Mike Dukakis made an out-of-focus underexposed cameo where you only saw the back of his head as he used a nonexistent vending machine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speaking of watches.... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 23:56:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "pete" (filandr@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...ravings of two different maniacs who aren't Kibo...] > > > > had decapitated him with their secret snow machine was not the > > "blah blah blah GODDAMN DUKAKIS blah blah blah blah GODDAMN DUKAKIS" guy. > > The snow machine guy was on a Green Line train, > > I'm sorry, but the juxtapostition of "snow machine decapition" and > the word "Green", has triggered a memory. > > When I was a kid, a friend described a movie he had seen where > some guy went through a snowblower > "... and the snow was all covered in green!". > > We then had a brief discussion in which I learned he was color blind. Unless he was talking about that scene in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" where Chekov got fed up with Spock's constant nagging and pushed him into the Neutron Snowblower. Actualy, on "Star Trek" they'd probably have some cooler term than "Neutron Snowblower" for a machine designed to puree living beings. Like, maybe, "Polytron". > > Re: Speaking of watches.... > > [...] > > HOOKER > Ouch! Your ring is hurting me! > > JIMMY'S FRIEND > That's not my ring, that's my watch! > > Fortunatley, my professor laughed right away, so the rest of the class > did too. And then Hooker kissed Kirk and said, "Must've been your... lifelong ambition!" and they tried to kiss again but their hair collided, causing an anaphasic de-synchronization of the polymorphic phase flow inversion matrix of the primary warp core flux inhibtors which de-coupled the Heisenberg compensators which interfaced through the pattern buffer's biofilter, generating a resonsance pulse of spatially-inverted tetrions which sublimated through the Level Two containment field into the starboard tertiary EM conduit where it pushed Spock into a snowblower for singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Earth" on that album I am proud to own one copy of -- no fewer, and definitely no more! -- K. I HAVE SEEN EVERY EPISODE OF "T. J. HOOKER" BUT I MISSED A FEW OF "KNIGHT RIDER" 'CAUSE THE SHOW GOT STUPID AFTER THE FIRST FIVE YEARS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jokes Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Wed, 7 Jul 1999 08:07:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David K. Rosenfield (rosenfie@students.wics.edu) wrote: > > Question: > > In the diagram of the Only Joke on a.r.k. (see http://www.kibo.com/kiboarch/), > how come "Vikings" are not linked to "Spam?" Because I am mad at Monty Python because after I watched all their episodes I realized that there were one or two jokes I didn't get. > This is a disgrace to mankind, and I demand the removal of the Internet > until it is rectified. We can't. The Department of Defense has already started to pentafy the Internet. (Please stop thinking bad thoughts about our Government or they'll make you go sit in one of the two bottom left corners of the Internet. Thank you.) > Thank you. Hey, I just said that! Stop stealing my ideas! -- K. Also I liked how the first few episodes, the black and white ones, took place entirely at the flying circus before they started using Terry Gilliam cartoons instead of wingwalking for filler. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Re-activating brain cells that have been napping since the '70s. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 04:43:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to pause momentarily before I say... RODNEY ALLEN RIPPEY!!!! LIBBYLAND TV DINNERS!!!! And the "STACK" typeface from Letraset!!! -- K. Still looking for a GOOD digital version of Roger Excoffon's "Calypso", the typeface so cool that they pasted the sample of it into "The Encyclopedia Of Typefaces" UPSIDE DOWN. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,talk.philosophy.misc,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 7JUL99 Reincarnation Experiental Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 05:43:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc, talk.philosophy.misc, sci.physics, and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Hanover had a violent storm yesterday of 6July and it uprooted many > trees. I do not think anyone was injured, but there were trees down all > over the campus. Again, I ask the question of why large huge trees like > elms within the main campus when a landscape architectural design of > small trees such as ginnala maples makes more sense and is far > prettier. Oh, yeah, maples are ALWAYS smaller than elms. That's why people with elm farms always have the largest maple tree they can buy standing in the middle of the orchard, because when the elms sprout they immediately become taller than it. > I am making alot of progress in this transitional phase of leaving > Dartmouth. Unless you count actually leaving as one of the indicators of progress. > Already the "job" is out of my head almost entirely and I am > planning for new routines, new habits, new experiences. My job with > Dartmouth lasted for 10 years and that is the longest stretch of time > that I have ever put in one place. But it was the fastest ten years of > my life because it was the flowering of my science genius that time > sped by. I guess the saying is true that when you are having fun, time > speeds by. And TIME HAS INERTIA!!! therefore FUN HAS INERTIA!!! So be careful not to have too much fun or you'll have trouble stopping. > Yesterday I was looking into travel information and found out I > need an invitation into Russia in order to be allowed to see Moscow and > St. Petersburg. I hereby invite you into Russia. Adios, buckaroo! > And I verified my hunch. I had the hunch that ocean travel is outmoded > and that airplanes killed the ship travel industry except for pleasure > cruises. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't want to go on a PLEASURE cruise, now would you? Maybe if you offer Carnival Cruise Lines some extra money, Kathie Lee will dirty up the ship a bit and try really hard to make the experience unpleasant so you could get what you want. > I looked under the categories of "passenger freighter" and > "ferry". About the only place where these thrive now is on short > distances such as England to Europe, and for Med.Sea islands, or where > airplanes fly infrequently. This is a shame because I wanted to go to > Europe and return via ship. Have you considered mailing yourself? > Today I ate a tasty supper of eggs microwaved and I have a technique > that makes them puffy and better tasting than stove cooked. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired psychedelic rock band name #21: ARCHIE'S PUFFY EGGS > I like my 3 scrambled eggs with 2 of the yellows removed. Come right out and say it -- you like the whites and not the yellows because you're an EGG RACIST!!! > And I had some Journey Doctor Whatever to drink and some black refried > beans with Camenbert cheese and celery. The Doctor Whatever reminded me > of my life when I was perhaps 19 years old, ...travelling through the Universe in a blue phone booth... fighting terrifying monsters that couldn't climb stairs or speak multisyllable words without pausing... > out West on vacation with my Father and someplace where we had stopped > to eat dinner I ordered a "sasparillo". And it was the best cigar you ever had. > I do not recall whether it was Texas or Black Hills South Dakota. And > the rest of the dinner I am pretty sure was tenderloin steak medium > rare with baked potato and sour cream and roll with butter and salad > with thousand island and cup of soup. Anyway, the sasparillo flavor > tasted nearly identical to this Doctor Whatever. Wow! Next you'll tell me that sarsaparilla is NEARLY IDENTICAL TO ROOT BEER!!! > It is neat how long persisting memories are. I wonder whatever happened to that imaginary lawsuit Archimedes Plutonium filed against me. Strange how long persisting memories of things that didn't happen are. > And that what can fetch back a memory or experience that had happened > 30 years ago. In this case it was the flavor of a beverage. In other cases, > smells can revive old memories, or the shading/intensity of light can > fetch up an old memory wherein the shading/intensity of light are similar. > For example, just today as I was crossing the street with some glare > from cars gave me a flashback to Utah of more than 20 years ago. Maybe you should try staring at the sun glinting off a reflective silver bumper sticker shaped like a Jesus fish and then smear warm cocoa on your son's forehead. Then spend the rest of your life writing "Valis" over and over. Naah, forget it, you're definitely not in the same category as Phil Dick because you're not as well-adjusted. > Yesterday I was looking at real estate to buy and I am glad to see > that the Web carries so many listings. Back around 30 years ago, a > person wanting to buy out-of-town property had only 2 choices. To go to > the desired place and look around or to browse through a booklet > maintained by one of two national real estate agencies (if my memory is > good, United was the name of one of these agencies). But I am happy > that the Web exists for it will change the way we advertise, buy and > sell real estate. Gee, Arch, given that you couldn't afford Internet access without having to wash dishes, I don't think you'll find any houses in your price range. Even a set of Lincoln Logs costs over ten bucks these days. > Today I was looking into the purchase of a new Toyota pick up. And, I > think that I will buy it through the Web. Be sure to take it for a virtual test drive. > But I need to do all of these things in a natural order. Oh, there's no reason for you to change your usual habits. > I do not want to buy a pick-up and have it sitting around for months > whilst in Europe. So I have to figure out the logistics. Why not just park your pickup truck on that private island you own? This would be the perfect solution, provided they're either both real or both imaginary. Somehow I doubt only one would be real. > I am happy over my material possession sell-off. Today I have only 2 > bicycles remaining. I may keep those 2 or at least I will not lower the > price. And it is mostly books now that I need to pare down. Just be sure to keep your favorite dish towel from Dartmouth as a memento. (I hope you didn't just leave it in the kitchen. Then the guy who wrote "Who Got Einstein's Office?" will title the second volume "Who Got Plutonium's Dishrag?") > Here is a nice summary of the sell-off to date. And I should write about my > struggles or trying to keep balanced between owning and not owning > material possessions. I should write about the material possessions I > plan to carry with me to Europe-- just two backpacks, no luggage or > suitcases, such that when I land at an airport I never have to wait for > any luggage. Now, that is a fine balancing act of material possessions. > Most everyone else in the world goes on vacation to Europe or elsewhere > as slaves to their material possessions, and it is their luggage that > is really going on vacation attended to by their human slaves. > > The below is a summary of the sell-off to date, and the deadline is > 31Aug99 [200-line list of Archie's garage-sale items elided, as he's posted the same list about fifty times in the past month] Hey, Arch, I'll take your "cup o' spaghetti" recipe for fifty cents. You can mail me the fifty cents along with the recipe. -- K. I can't believe he got through a 440-line article without once saying "marzipan", "Phar Lap", or "searchenginebombing". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hot Dog Eating Champ Called Cheat Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 06:11:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Brian "JARAI" Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > Subject: Re: Hot Dog Eating Champ Called Cheat > Distribution: cl-1,cl-2,cl-3,cl-edu,cl-4,cl-corp,cl-be You know, Brian, that guy who knows how to clear out the "Distribution:" headers before making fun of clari.news.bizarre articles does this better than you. AND EXACTLY AS WELL AS ME. > In article (Ahot-dog-contestURV9j_9l6.X@clari.net), AP (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > > > NEW YORK (AP) -- A second-place finisher in an annual hot dog > > [snip] Instead of "[snip]" you should have said "THE END!" so I could say, "Wow! I would also enjoy finishing inside an annual hot dog!" because I've always wanted to say "Wow! I would also enjoy finishing inside an annual hot dog!" but due to your TOTAL LACK OF CONCERN FOR MY NEEDS now I'll never be able to say "Wow! I would also enjoy finishing inside an annual hot dog!" So you can BITE ME because I CAN'T FINISH INSIDE A HOT DOG. > I swear that even after reading this through the first time, I still > believed that the title read "Hot Dot Eating Chimp Called Cheat". Reading > the article the second time through, I was more disappointed than I'd ever > ever ever been disappointed before by an AP article. Even by the ones where he spends four hundred lines talking about how he used to be a horse? > THOSE AP BASTARDS STOLE THE CHIMP OUT OF MY USENET!!! I think that if Archie Plutonium really did steal a chimp, it would DEFINITELY give Ted Turner new source material for those allegedly true stories he keeps making into movies. Even if "those AP bastards" doesn't refer to Archie Plutonium, I know it would be perfect for Turner because it would, for the first time, combine chimps with bastards. -- K. I hope they just don't combine them genetically. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something exciting 10574 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 06:49:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor support@wrap-r-flex.com spamvertised: > > Into extreme sports? > Do you enjoy walking or running? > Carry a purse, bag, or briefcase? > > Check out our web page you may find what you're looking for. Hormone therapy for gay men having a midlife crisis and hot flashes? Sorry, I don't think I'm looking for that. Do you have any pictures of Juliet Landau in a transparent rubber Spider-Man suit stepping on gas pedals? Flat shoes only, please!!! -- K. You know, / [0-9]{3,8}$/ makes a great spam-detecting regexp. LET'S SEE A CAVEMAN PARSE THAT SENTENCE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Article #250,000 is coming up soon... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 07:15:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A week and a half ago, I wrote: > > alt.religion.kibology has now carried above 248,000 articles since its > inception in 1991. Because a quarter of a million is a magic number (it's > the EXACT distance to the moon, at least until Martin Landau blows it up > on September 13, 1999) I plan to give the 250,000th article special > recognition by saying "HEY! YOU JUST POSTED THE 250,000TH ARTICLE! > AND I WANTED TO DO THAT! I HATE YOU!" > > So keep right on doing whatver you're doing, and I'll tell you in a > week or two when we hit 250,000. > > -- K. > > #200,000 was by Jen. > #1 was by me. > Therefore, I win. And the winner is... DARLA! The charming newlywed has only been married three days and already I've given her a wedding gift without the customary ten-year waiting period on gifts I give. I have given her the gift of saying, GOOD JOB, DARLA! YOU DID IT! because she posted article #250,000! (As selected at random by the order in which they arrived at my locale, which is the bestest place to be on a.r.k.) Here's Darla's magical, special article: > From: "Darla" (darla4695@sprynet.com) > Subject: Re: ATTENTION! > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Tue, 6 Jul 1999 15:49:51 -0300 > Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:250000 > > Nick S Bensema wrote: > > > Congratulations. You don't live in a sitcom. Yet. > > Oh? Ever seen "Due South?" > > > I bought a prayer for you on that website where you can have a computer > > pray for you 24 hours a day. > > Oh. Umm, we're atheists. Is there someplace I can return it for a Clapper > Plus, or a toaster oven? Thanks! > > Darla > --- Our officiant wore robes. No pants! An Arkian ceremony. Anyway, Darla, my other wedding gift for you is that I paid a computer to pray AGAINST you 24 hours a day to cancel out Nick Bensema. -- K. Oh, and his prayer, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumb excuses I wish I'd thought of. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 8 Jul 1999 07:41:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor AFP (the wacky French news agency) reported these, as keyed in by a nice person in alt.tech-support.recovery: > The Best Of Insurance > Claim Excuses & Explanations > 7-5-99 > > > > PARIS (AFP) - "I sprained my wrist while putting sugar on the strawberries." Alexander Abian said that, because HIS STRAWBERRIES ARE COVERED WITH 200 TONS OF COSMETIC SUGAR!!! > "I am a little hard of hearing so you can understand why I didn't see the > cyclist." Just once I'd like to meet someone who is EASY of hearing. Note that this is different from "easy listening", which is hard to listen to. > Herewith a list of some of the best insurance claims compiled by the > Insurance Information and Statistics Center (CDIA) in Paris. And curiously they were all filed in English. > -- "I admit I went through the intersection without looking to see if anyone > was crossing, but I had gone through the same intersection less than an hour > before and no one was there." This person must have real trouble watching TV. > -- "I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive, > but beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is > likely to cause?" Hey, can I borrow your gun? > -- "You are telling me that according to the civil code I am responsible for > my children's action. If that's true, the people who wrote that must not > have, like me, nine children to watch over." You know, if he or she spent more time watching the first couple kids, they wouldn't have had time to manufacture the other seven. > -- "In place of the intersection they built a roundabout with priority for > those coming from the left. Now I didn't expect that change and I lost > control of my car." Around here they tore down all the roundabouts to build traffic circles which they then replaced with rotaries. When I start my own country, I need to come up with my own silly term for an intersection modelled on the picture of The Circle Of Willis in Gray's Anatomy. I'm thinking of calling them "whoopsie doodles" and there would be a law that any directions given to a tourist must include the phrase "then you need to go around the whoopsie doodle." Also, there would be only one whoopsie doodle in the country. And it would be underwater. > -- "While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. > So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. > That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a > bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today." And when the customs officials asked Oscar Wilde if he had anything to declare, he said, "Nothing but two rear-enders today." > -- "I rammed into a parked car and made sure not to tell the owner that I > was responsible. I hope you are satisfied with me and will award me > additional bonus points on my insurance." Be sure to buy the insurance with Ed McMahon's picture on the envelope to win DOUBLE BONUS POINTS! And when you've saved up 100 DOUBLE BONUS POINTS, you win A FREE TRIP TO HELL!!! > -- "I smashed into a glass door during an 'open house' at the company." And the funny part is that it's a company that makes stones. > -- "I had a work-related accident while dozing off under an apple tree." Wow, Sir Isaac Newton can get insurance at his age? > -- "You know my cab has been turned into a hearse and now I only transport > dead people. So since my passengers are not at risk, do you think it's > reasonable to make me pay an additional insurance bonus in case they are > involved in an accident?" Dead men don't wear yellow checkers. > -- "The accident happened while I was changing girls." I have a, uh, friend, who usually has an accident before even getting to first base with just ONE girl. > -- "While pushing back a dog on a leash, its owner bit me." Silly guy! Any engineering student knows YOU CAN'T PUSH ON A LEASH! But you can pull on a lull. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE FACT THAT I STOPPED TRYING AT THAT POINT. > -- "I read in my contract that you wouldn't reimburse me any repairs on my > car for damage caused by my driving drunk. I am willing to pay you what it > takes to get rid of that clause." Remind me to have my literary agent go over my next insurance contract. > -- "You informed me that there is no such thing as theft between spouses. > You obviously don't know my wife." QUICK! PUSH THE HIDDEN BUTTON THAT ACTIVATES THE HENNY YOUNGMAN ALARM AND FLOODS THE OFFICE WITH NERVE GAS!!! (I also have a button for Don Rickles and a whole keyboard for Bob Hope.) > -- "I am stunned that you refuse to pay for this accident on grounds that I > wasn't wearing my glasses. I swear the accident wasn't my fault. I simply > didn't see the bicyclist when I ran him over." This is the worst episode about Jan Brady ever. > -- "The cyclist kept zigzagging, going right and then left before I could > pin him down." Hey! I used to have the old-fashioned Spirograph where you had to pin it down before you could zigzag and go right and then left. Where's my huge insurance settlement? > -- "Since her accident, my wife is even worse than before. I hope you will > take that into account." THE HENNY YOUNGMAN GAS ISN'T WORKING! ACTIVATE NUCLEAR SELF-DESTRUCT!!! > -- "They determined that I had a 2.10 blood alcohol level and plan to > convict me. You'll admit that considering the six to eight litres of blood > in our bodies, that wasn't much." Someday I think there should be a guy who gets drunk driving charges dropped when he points out that the 2.10 percent alchohol in his blood was just METHYL alchohol and not dangerous grain alchohol. -- K. And then there would be no doubt about whether he saw the bicyclist. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Durian Girl is Gone Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1999 00:10:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannu@lart.com) wrote: > > Every day at my work, during lunch, there was a Vietnamese girl who > brough a durian in to eat. I knew by the stench what it was. A few > times she offered some to me, and of course I took it, because durian > has an oddly pleasing flavor. Anyways, Tuesday and today she wasn't > there. I asked one of her coworkers whether or not she was on > vacation. "No," the woman said. "She's gone." > > "Quit?" I asked. > > The woman just nodded, and then it was time for me to punch back in. > Sadly, though, because the durian girl was gone. Fun fact: Durians are the world's most expensive fruits. (Presumably per fruit, not per pound, as the things weigh several pounds.) In Boston, they usually go for about $15 a pop. Cigarettes would be a cheaper habit. Not to mention less stinky. So, just out of curiosity, what kind of work you do at this place where they allow random durians? I will assume that it isn't the clean room at an Intel chip factory, or the intensive care unit of the hospital. ("WAAH! YOU GOT YOUR DURIAN IN MY OXYGEN TENT!!!") -- K. Anyway, you know, you could have asked her where to buy durians, but it's too late. Now you'll never enjoy a durian again! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Know what I hate? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1999 00:34:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ...when you want to convert a bunch of money to foreign currency so you withdraw the maximum your ATM card will allow and pay three bucks to convert it all to some weird-colored foreign stuff with pictures of someone who looks a lot like Queen Elizabeth only about fifty years younger, and then you realize you're out of groceries but you turned all your money into Froot Loops-colored stuff with queens all over it and the ATM tells you you can't withdraw any more because you've already had enough for today, AND THE STUPID SUPERMARKETS IN THE INNER CITY WON'T TAKE FOREIGN MONEY EVEN IF IT'S FOR A COUNTRY THAT USES DOLLARS MUCH LIKE OURS!!!! Also, when did the serial numbers on Canadian bills change whether the "I" had serifs? I have some with serifs and some without and I need to know which way to make the "I"s in case I ever want to counterfeit Canadian money. -- K. It's not like that would be a crime 'cause Canadian money's not really worth much anyway. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Australian mall using Bing Crosby to scare away loitering teens Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Fri, 9 Jul 1999 00:44:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Everyone's favorite French news service, AFP, narrowcasted: > > Subject: Australian mall using Bing Crosby to scare away loitering teens I think Bob Hope would work better. Although I'm not sure he's any less dead than Bing is. > SYDNEY, July 8 (AFP) - An Australian mall has turned to Bing > Crosby to scare away loitering teenagers from its entrances, > according to a report Thursday. > The Warrawong Westfield mall in Wollongong, south of Sydney, has > begun playing Crosby's hit "My Heart is Taking Lessons" repeatedly > to keep its entrances teenager-free, The Daily Telegraph said. Oh, yeah, you don't want them going to the record store or video arcade or skateboard store or Taco Bell in the mall. > And the tactic appears to be working with teenagers telling the > newspaper the "old fogey" music had driven them from their favorite > spot outside the complex. As opposed to all that REALLY COOL music they normally play over Muzak! (Like the Christmas carols sung by fake Andrews Sisters that they play at the Prudential Star.) > "All the people from Warrawong High used to hang here after > school - now you don't see them," 14-year-old Matthew Wilson told > the daily. > The technique could also be used by other communities with the > southern Sydney suburb of Kogarah considering blaring Bing to clear > loitering teen-agers from public areas. > The community is also considering installing pink lighting which > clearly shows pimples on teenagers' faces to discourage loitering. But... pimples and faces (for the pink-skinned) differ only in the amount of pinkness. A pink light would just make it look like everyone had clear skin. They should use a blue or green light if they want the presence (or lack thereof) of pinkness to stand out like a sore thumb. Maybe someone should just explain to these pesky teens that it's not "cool" to be anywhere within fifty miles of a place with a name like "Kogarah, Australia"? I mean, if they realized this, they'd WANT to leave. (Wouldn't YOU want to leave Kogarah, Australia?) I SAY SHIP 'EM TO THE UNITED STATES! AND THEY'D LIKE THAT BECAUSE HERE IN THE UNITED STATES ALL PEOPLE ARE TOLERANT OF TEENAGERS AND EVERYONE ELSE!!! -- K. Except for Bob Hope. We're all baffled by the fact that Australians love Bob Hope. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Poutine!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 04:15:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I won't have time to tell you all about it for a day or two, but -- Poutine really tastes good, provided you get it without the cheese. Poutine is gravy poured over french fries and lumps of cheese. The cheese is the threatening part. AVOID CHEESE. CHEESE IS EVIL. There are five variants of French Fries in French Canada: * patatas frites * patatas frites avec sauce * patatas frites avec sauce italienne * poutine * poutine avec sauce italienne ...the second of which is the one you want if you're like me, and I know you are. Also, when you buy a ready-made pizza in a French-Canadian supermarket, it never ever has cheese on or near it. Hooray!!! And even if you want a deep-fried cartoon possum, don't order a "Pogo". It's not what you think. IT'S JUST BORING AMERICAN FOOD WITH A SILLY NAME!!! Later I'll tell you about how I visited one of the actual alien planets that the Battlestar Galactica went to. (Unfortunately they've rebuilt it after it burned.) -- K. I'm told poutine was invented by accident. I thought that was obvious... P.S. The secret ingredient in Quebec's favorite dessert (sugar pie) is sugar. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,talk.philosophy.misc,sci.physics,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 8JUL99 movie "Transition Period" Reincarnation Experiental Re: Archimedes Plutonium visiting the world great scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 04:51:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In four newsgroups, Archimedes Plutonium (Arc_Plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > [...] > > I want radio, and air conditioning. I want a camper shell. Color is > not too important but if I had my choice I prefer a light blue/purple. I'm glad to hear your genetic experiments on yourself have been going well. Remember not to squeeze your DNA too hard when you pick it up with tweezers. -- K. Whoops, I mis-typed "brain" as "DNA". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Rare bird roadkill sinks taxidermist Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Mon, 12 Jul 1999 05:22:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Hot off the wire as of last week: > > JACKSON, Mich., July 9 (UPI) -- A Michigan prosecutor says he will > seek a jail sentence for a taxidermist convicted of having rare and > protected birds stuffed in a Victoria's Secret shopping bag in his > freezer. Yes, but, gentle reader, what do YOU have in a Victoria's Secret shopping bag in your freezer? > [...] > In his testimony, Miller claimed he didn't know what was in the > Victoria's Secret bag his customer brought him. He said he put the bag > in his freezer without looking at the contents because he was busy > working on a deer mount. Must... not... respond... obviousness overload... obviousness overload... disengage "Beavis & Butthead" mode... do... not... respond... > The frozen birds, including a black-capped chickadee, a red-headed > woodpecker, and a Swainson's thrush, were shown to the jury by > prosecutors. And after the Swanson's thrush, they had to look at all the Birds Eye's in his freezer. AND THE MUMMIFIED CARCASS OF THE JOLLY GREEN GIANT!!! > They were found by the state conservation officer during a routine > inspection of Miller's shop in January. > The jury apparently didn't believe Miller and took only a few minutes > to convict him. > Miller has prior convictions for hunting illegal waterfowl and for > failing to tag taxidermy specimens. YOUR HONOR, IT WAS ALREADY STUFFED WHEN I SHOT IT!!! -- K. Why doesn't anyone stuff amebas?