Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Unicode
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1999 23:37:12 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians
Organization: welcome datacomp
I have decided to convert alt.religion.kibology from ASCII to Unicode.
Unicode is the modern version of SUPER ESPERANTO!!! to allow all of us
to understand each other with greater ease than if we didn't use lots
of weird symbols.
From now on, all words you say should contain at least two or three
of the funny symbols from the Unicode character set in order to ensure
Unicode compliance. Here are your best bets for general use, with their
hexadecimal character numbers to make them easier to find on your new
65,536-key keyboard, as excerpted from the Unicode standard:
0255 : LATIN SMALL LETTER C WITH CURL
0256 : LATIN SMALL LETTER D WITH TAIL
0257 : LATIN SMALL LETTER D WITH HOOK
0258 : LATIN SMALL LETTER REVERSED E
0259 : LATIN SMALL LETTER SCHWA
025A : LATIN SMALL LETTER SCHWA WITH HOOK
025B : LATIN SMALL LETTER OPEN E
025C : LATIN SMALL LETTER REVERSED OPEN E
025D : LATIN SMALL LETTER REVERSED OPEN E WITH HOOK
025E : LATIN SMALL LETTER CLOSED REVERSED OPEN E
025F : LATIN SMALL LETTER DOTLESS J WITH STROKE
0260 : LATIN SMALL LETTER G WITH HOOK
0261 : LATIN SMALL LETTER SCRIPT G
0262 : LATIN LETTER SMALL CAPITAL G
0263 : LATIN SMALL LETTER GAMMA
0264 : LATIN SMALL LETTER RAMS HORN
0265 : LATIN SMALL LETTER TURNED H
0266 : LATIN SMALL LETTER H WITH HOOK
0267 : LATIN SMALL LETTER HENG WITH HOOK
0268 : LATIN SMALL LETTER I WITH STROKE
0269 : LATIN SMALL LETTER IOTA
026A : LATIN LETTER SMALL CAPITAL I
026B : LATIN SMALL LETTER L WITH MIDDLE TILDE
026C : LATIN SMALL LETTER L WITH BELT
026D : LATIN SMALL LETTER L WITH RETROFLEX HOOK
026E : LATIN SMALL LETTER LEZH
026F : LATIN SMALL LETTER TURNED M
0270 : LATIN SMALL LETTER TURNED M WITH LONG LEG
0271 : LATIN SMALL LETTER M WITH HOOK
0272 : LATIN SMALL LETTER N WITH LEFT HOOK
0273 : LATIN SMALL LETTER N WITH RETROFLEX HOOK
0274 : LATIN LETTER SMALL CAPITAL N
0275 : LATIN SMALL LETTER BARRED O
0276 : LATIN LETTER SMALL CAPITAL OE
0277 : LATIN SMALL LETTER CLOSED OMEGA
0278 : LATIN SMALL LETTER PHI
0279 : LATIN SMALL LETTER TURNED R
027A : LATIN SMALL LETTER TURNED R WITH LONG LEG
027B : LATIN SMALL LETTER TURNED R WITH HOOK
027C : LATIN SMALL LETTER R WITH LONG LEG
027D : LATIN SMALL LETTER R WITH TAIL
027E : LATIN SMALL LETTER R WITH FISHHOOK
027F : LATIN SMALL LETTER REVERSED R WITH FISHHOOK
0280 : LATIN LETTER SMALL CAPITAL R
0281 : LATIN LETTER SMALL CAPITAL INVERTED R
0282 : LATIN SMALL LETTER S WITH HOOK
0283 : LATIN SMALL LETTER ESH
0284 : LATIN SMALL LETTER DOTLESS J WITH STROKE AND HOOK
0285 : LATIN SMALL LETTER SQUAT REVERSED ESH
0286 : LATIN SMALL LETTER ESH WITH CURL
0287 : LATIN SMALL LETTER TURNED T
0288 : LATIN SMALL LETTER T WITH RETROFLEX HOOK
0454 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER UKRAINIAN IE
0455 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER DZE
0456 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER BYELORUSSIAN-UKRAINIAN I
0457 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER YI
0458 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER JE
0459 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER LJE
045A : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER NJE
045B : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER TSHE
045C : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER KJE
045E : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER SHORT U
045F : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER DZHE
0460 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER OMEGA
0461 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER OMEGA
0462 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER YAT
0463 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER YAT
0464 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER IOTIFIED E
0465 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER IOTIFIED E
0466 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER LITTLE YUS
0467 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER LITTLE YUS
0468 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER IOTIFIED LITTLE YUS
0469 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER IOTIFIED LITTLE YUS
0482 : CYRILLIC THOUSANDS SIGN
0483 : COMBINING CYRILLIC TITLO
0484 : COMBINING CYRILLIC PALATALIZATION
0485 : COMBINING CYRILLIC DASIA PNEUMATA
0486 : COMBINING CYRILLIC PSILI PNEUMATA
0490 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER GHE WITH UPTURN
0491 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER GHE WITH UPTURN
0492 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER GHE WITH STROKE
0493 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER GHE WITH STROKE
0494 : CYRILLIC CAPITAL LETTER GHE WITH MIDDLE HOOK
0495 : CYRILLIC SMALL LETTER GHE WITH MIDDLE HOOK
06D7 : ARABIC SMALL HIGH LIGATURE QAF WITH LAM WITH ALEF MAKSURA
06EC : ARABIC ROUNDED HIGH STOP WITH FILLED CENTRE
0F36 : TIBETAN MARK CARET -DZUD RTAGS BZHI MIG CAN
201F : DOUBLE HIGH-REVERSED-9 QUOTATION MARK
206D : ACTIVATE ARABIC FORM SHAPING
206E : NATIONAL DIGIT SHAPES
206F : NOMINAL DIGIT SHAPES
2105 : CARE OF
2106 : CADA UNA
2107 : EULER CONSTANT
2108 : SCRUPLE
2279 : NEITHER GREATER-THAN NOR LESS-THAN
2369 : APL FUNCTIONAL SYMBOL GREATER-THAN DIAERESIS
2532 : BOX DRAWINGS LEFT LIGHT AND RIGHT DOWN HEAVY
2638 : WHEEL OF DHARMA
2639 : WHITE FROWNING FACE
3010 : LEFT BLACK LENTICULAR BRACKET
3012 : POSTAL MARK
3191 : IDEOGRAPHIC ANNOTATION REVERSE MARK
33FE : IDEOGRAPHIC TELEGRAPH SYMBOL FOR DAY THIRTY-ONE
FE3A : PRESENTATION FORM FOR VERTICAL RIGHT TORTOISE SHELL BRACKET
So, anyway, in order to ensure Unicode compliance, please inject
a couple of Presentation Forms For Vertical Right Tortoise Shell Brackets
into your conversation to make what you're saying absolutely clear,
unless you're actually talking about tortoise shells, in which case
insert the Arabic Rounded High Stop With Filled Centre. Mmm, filled centre...
-- K.
Oh, and I forgot to mention, all food
products will now be in metric...
in hexadecimal.
I'm also still working on getting
alt.religion.kibology ISO-666 certified.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Unicode
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 04:13:07 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Mike Sauve (msauve@altavista.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I have decided to convert alt.religion.kibology from ASCII to Unicode.
> >
> > 0255 : LATIN SMALL LETTER C WITH CURL
> > 0256 : LATIN SMALL LETTER D WITH TAIL
> > 0257 : LATIN SMALL LETTER D WITH HOOK
>
>
> I've been looking for the Unicode encoding for a LATIN SMALL LETTER D
> WITH PREHENSILE TAIL. Can you help?
Oh no! The weird mutant letters banned from "Sesame Street" have gone on
a killing spree! It's Dr. Seuss's "On Beyond Zebra: The Movie"!
The world's first educational splatter film.
-- K.
Of course, ALL snuff films are educational:
You learn that you will die if you appear
in a snuff film.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.battlestar-galactica
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: USE OF SATELLITES FOR MIND CONTROL
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1999 23:47:25 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians
Organization: welcome datacomp
Jim Heckman (jheckman@my-deja.com) wrote:
>
> (1) Are you sure Ronald McDonald's nativity wasn't in a "manger", not a
> "major"?
I have no idea how I typed "major" for "manger". I definitely wanted to
type "manger". All I can think of is that an "I Dream Of Jeannie" TV-movie
featuring an elderly Barbara Eden was on my TV and that may have accounted
for it.
> (2) You really should define "poutine" for all the poor, deprived
> non-quˇbˇcois out there...
Nobody can define poutine. If anyone ever figures out what's in it,
it changes to something else. And if you understand THAT, then
YOUR BRAIN EXPLODES!!!
-- K.
So, for your own good,
DON'T THINK ABOUT POUTINE!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.battlestar-galactica
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: USE OF SATELLITES FOR MIND CONTROL
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 03:21:47 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote:
>
> LSEMGAASLHITZHEECSRTIAMTEEOFULTYLTAHWEGBOLVAECRKNFMLEANGT
Tim Wallace (twallace@eaze.net) wrote:
>
> Before I try to figure it out is this a code or just random,
Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote:
>
> Look at every other letter.
Tim Wallace (twallace@eaze.net) wrote:
>
> ok, fine, did not want to know what it was just if it was.
> But thanks
I'm just waiting to be told which of the letters is the one I'm not
supposed to be looking at.
It would be refreshing to know that there is some letter I don't need
to bother looking at for the rest of my life.
-- K.
If it's "e", I hop it would sav a lot of tim.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: DOOD AM I LUCKY!
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1999 23:54:54 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians
Organization: welcome datacomp
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Of course, this is the part where I mourn the passing of so many funky
> little independent bookstores in Cambridge at the expense of these big
> chains, and put in another plug for McIntyre and Moore's used books, only
> I don't know if they're still open. They used to be between Harvard and
> Central Square, and they had a mind-boggling collection of used scientific
> books.
>
> That was where I found a nearly untouched copy of Misner, Thorne and
> Wheeler's _Gravitation_ for something like $25. I do not usually get so
> excited about bargains, but there are bargains and there are BARGAINS.
> MTW is a phone-book-sized textbook about the general theory of relativity,
> and all those pages contain content rather than the usual padding that you
> see in giant books about HTML. It has its oddities and faults, but is one
> of the great frequently-cited classics of physics; it usually runs for
> maybe $75-$90 new, and used copies of it are pretty hard to find.
Ha! I bought my copy for $24, from this nice little man in a homemade cape.
It's in mint condition -- it has "PLUTONIUM" written on the bottom
edge, but it's clear that it's never been opened.
Also, don't you get a copy of it for free whenever you join the Scientific
American Book Club during the 1980s? Of course, if you can travel in time,
you probably don't care about some silly baby book about gravity. GRAVITY
IS BORING! IT ALWAYS GOES DOWN! Now, snow, that's more fun. Sometimes
it goes down, sometimes it goes diagonally, and sometimes it goes UP YOUR NOSE!
-- K.
Or is that 7-Up?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A Journey...
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:07:04 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians
Organization: welcome datacomp
Samantha Wilkinson (sammie@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Nightshifter (dinks@ckt.net) wrote:
> >
> > "Redneck isp..." I gasped in frustration. So off I went, searching
> > hard for whatever I could find about Kibo. Soon finding a delightful web
> > page authored by this unknown "God" I was intrigued at the humor and
> > tact.
>
> I feel I should let the new guy know that as far as Kibo's concerned,
> tact is when he wades through thousands of posts by A. Plutonium just to
> find the one that quotes an article of yours from 1994 and then shares
> it only with your fiance rather than embarrasing you in front of the
> whole world. Or so I've heard.
Ah, so either the copy I sent to Bob Hope never arrived, or he doesn't
care enough about you to tell you.
Besides, I don't see what's so embarassing about having told
alt.religion.kibology that not washing your long hair is better than
not twirling your short hair.
-- K.
Archie could twirl a crew cut.
From across the room.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[from a 10,000-line glob of stuff that Archie Plutonium recently reposted]
From: Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu)
Subject: Re: Question for Mr. Plutonium re coiffure
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Organization: part of the 5f6 of PU
Date: 4 Dec 1994 02:02:44 GMT
James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Dear Archimedes --
>
> I know that you shave your head every day. Well, normally I shave
> my head about once every two weeks--not to take off _all_ the hair, you
> understand, but just to make it short and frizzy like I got used to when I
> was a SEAL. Problem is, yesterday I had a horrible accident and I
> mistakenly removed more hair on one side than on the other. Whatever
> can I do, short of removing the rest?
>
> Yrs,
> Kibo
>
> P.S. You could cut styrofoam with my widow's peak.
> P.P.S. Do you know Ed Siegel?
True I shave my head every day. This I started to do in Spring of
1990, because it is pragmatic. Since I shave my face every day, and
since I have a bald spot, I just decided to shave the whole head,
excepting eyelashes of course. This has become a sort of local trend
here at Dartmouth. One local barber when told to cut it close asks "you
want a Plutonium haircut?" They use that as a rough gauge.
It takes a little getting use to, but when you see the hair come
back and remember the disappoints, you like to stay with the all-shaved
look. It is like the difference of MacWrite and Word. Once you do the
all-shave and like it, there is no going back.
I use an electric Braun shaver. It is the most practical and
pragmatic solution to hair. Of course, all of those people who lead a
shallow life and look at skin deep, and want sex and more sex, well
then, the all-shaved look is not for them. Only the geniuses and
supergeniuses realize that hair is close to meaningless for one's
lifetime. I wear hats yearround. Hats are better than hair. Hair takes
too much of ones time in life to maintain. I know some women who
probably when added up will have spent 5 years out of a 50 year life
just on their hair alone.
And, Kibo, just the other day I was sitting at a computer station
when along comes a pretty blonde who sits next to me. It did not stay a
pretty sight for long because shortly she started to twirl her hair,
and play with it. And I was doing some physics and math. And I get
upset over this behavior, just as I hate gum chewers popping bubbles or
with their mouths open chewing like an animal. So I was about to ask
this blonde, no longer pretty to my eyes. That I was holding up my
coat. And I was going to ask her, very kindly of course. You must set
the standard Kibo, around young people. Ask her if she would not mind
holding the other end of my coat as a curtain between me and her
playing with her hair? Holding one end of my coat and asking her.
"Hi, would you please mind holding this end of the coat."
I did not do this, but I just wonder how fast she would have caught-on
to what I was really saying.
-------------------------------------------------------------
From: Samantha L. Wilkinson (sammie@coos.dartmouth.edu)
Subject: Re: Question for Mr. Plutonium re coiffure
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.plutonium
Date: 4 Dec 1994 11:37:23 GMT
Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote:
>
> I use an electric Braun shaver. It is the most practical and
> pragmatic solution to hair. Of course, all of those people who lead a
> shallow life and look at skin deep, and want sex and more sex, well
> then, the all-shaved look is not for them. Only the geniuses and
> supergeniuses realize that hair is close to meaningless for one's
> lifetime. I wear hats yearround. Hats are better than hair. Hair takes
> too much of ones time in life to maintain. I know some women who
> probably when added up will have spent 5 years out of a 50 year life
> just on their hair alone.
Hmmmm, I've actually found the opposite to be true. I used to have
short hair and found it was much harder to maintain -- I had to blowdry
it, style it, etc. Now that its longer I can just put it up and I bet
I spend less time on my hair than you do on yours. Plus it's much cooler
in the winter when your hair freezes up. Ah, the simple pleasures of
life. Maybe Kibo should consider *growing* out his hair?
> And, Kibo, just the other day I was sitting at a computer station
> when along comes a pretty blonde who sits next to me. It did not stay a
> pretty sight for long because shortly she started to twirl her hair,
> and play with it. And I was doing some physics and math. And I get
> upset over this behavior, just as I hate gum chewers popping bubbles or
> with their mouths open chewing like an animal. So I was about to ask
> this blonde, no longer pretty to my eyes. That I was holding up my
> coat. And I was going to ask her, very kindly of course. You must set
> the standard Kibo, around young people. Ask her if she would not mind
> holding the other end of my coat as a curtain between me and her
> playing with her hair? Holding one end of my coat and asking her.
> "Hi, would you please mind holding this end of the coat."
> I did not do this, but I just wonder how fast she would have caught-on
> to what I was really saying.
I find it interesting that you get so upset over someone fooling with
her hair. You're certainly no less distracting when you sit in the
middle of a public cluster using a computer and *laughing*, but you
don't see me making a big show of sticking pez in my ears and glaring
at you, hoping you'll get the hint. It's one of the things we
unfortunately have to deal with when using a public cluster. Although
I think it helped me that I went to a high school which used the "open
concept", ie, the classrooms didn't have walls, just dividers. It was
actually a great system since if the class you were in was really
boring, you could just listen in to what was going on next door.
One of my favorite signs in one of the public clusters in our computer
center reads "Quiet conversation should be maintained at all times." I
always feel terribly guilty when working there because sometimes I just
*have* to get my work done and I don't have time to talk. I live in
constant fear that someone official will kick me off in favor of a
student who will follow all the cluster rules!
Samantha, who confesses that the real reason she likes her hair longer
is that when she wears it in a ponytail it sways back and forth when
she walks
--
Samantha Wilkinson sammie@coos.dartmouth.edu
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Poutine!!!
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:12:33 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians
Organization: welcome datacomp
Francesco Benvenuto (fbenv@iol.it) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Etienne Rouette (etienne.rouette@sympatico.ca) wrote:
> > >
> > > Fransesco Benvenuto will now explain "poutine avec sauce italienne".
>
> My name is not funny unless misspelled by a native English speaker:
> you are not funny, Etienne P. Rouette.
But native English speakers, at least those of us who speak American English,
ain't bright enough to be able to misspell stuff!!! They don't teach how
to misspell things in our lousy schools! They just teach about sex and
drugs and stuff!
> I am still puzzled by an unknown substance I encountered twenty
> years ago in the U.S., mysteriously named "Italian Dressing" and
> which USAians apparently poured generously on their salads (they
> had other mixtures as well but at least they had the decency not
> to call those "Italian").
>
> In Italy we have specially trained humans who can mix salt, vinegar
> and olive oil in the correct proportions.
Ah, but can they make Lite Italian and Creamy Italian and Lite Creamy Italian?
What about Zesty Italian?
> As to which particular sauce would have the doubtful honor to
> be doomed "Italian" I am at a complete loss; since no American
> would be so stupid as to call "Italian" any tomato-based sauce.
>
> > consisting of a crust and a packet of tomato sauce. Excuse me,
> > AVEC SAUCE ITALIENNE.
>
> *Boggle*
>
> A "packet" of tomato sauce?
>
> And you are supposed to use peeled tomatoes on pizza (if you use
> tomatoes at all, which you almost always do) not sauce.
But tomatoes are icky. They've got guts and skins and stuff.
The only thing to do with them is to put them in a blender until the
guts disappear. Or just buy V-8. V-8 on Wonder Bread makes really
good pizza as long as you use Cheez Whiz and not some FAKE cheese.
-- K.
Not that I'd know what Cheez Whiz
tastes like. I assume it's like
cheese plus whiz.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Gary Coleman Arrested Over Fines
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 00:19:03 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians
Organization: welcome datacomp
> LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Former ``Diff'rent Strokes'' star Gary
> Coleman was arrested for failing to pay $400 in fines for punching
> an autograph seeker.
> [...]
> Coleman was booked into the city jail, where he spent several
> hours before posting $26,000 bail, McInerny said.
A peek inside the mind of the financial genius that is Gary Coleman.
-- K.
Just think, for $26,000, he
could have punched 65 people!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Fun Fact
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 03:47:17 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Apple's current PowerBook weigh 5.9 pounds, or less if you install the
special "weight-saving module".
?
-- K. ?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Fun Fact
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 06:09:29 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
A few days ago, I wrote:
>
> Apple's current PowerBook weigh 5.9 pounds, or less if you install the
> special "weight-saving module".
>
> ?
Another fun fact about Apple's nameless "bronze keyboard" PowerBook:
The Apple logo on the outside of the lid lights up when the computer
is turned on.
When the lid is open, the Apple logo is upside down.
You open the lid to turn it on.
?
-- K.
This proves that Paul is dead.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Fun Fact
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:48:33 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Fun fact #3 about Apple's portable computers:
On Apple's new iBook, both "shift" keys are "left shift", unless you hold
down "fn", in which case they're both "right shift".
This is gonna make it hard to play pinball.
Fun fact #4:
The security system to keep you from removing memory cards from someone
else's iBook consists of the fact that you're not supposed to know that
you can unscrew the "num lock" light, which unlocks the whole keyboard
so you can look under it.
Fun fact #5:
I HEAR THAT AT LEAST ONE APPLE EMPLOYEE ONCE SMOKED POT! WOO-HOO!!!!
-- K.
And then he got fired for
not sharing it with Steve Jobs!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: HOLY CANOLI ..
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 03:55:28 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote:
>
> I've had the map of Kibonia on my desktop for a few weeks, and just
> this morning I noticed the provence of "Blarm".
> I have never seen that before.
>
> Am I going to come in tomorrow and find another town with the name of
> "Squiggle"?
>
> It's like some horror movie.
> KIBO GET OUT OF MY MIND AND OFF MY DESKTOP!
Leah, if you look really closely at that map, you'll notice there's a city
named for the date Bob Hope's gonna die.
-- K.
It's in that province
that has 366 cities.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Did Kibo Kill JFK Jr?
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 04:13:35 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"Sager" (Nuke-The-Whales@USA.Net) wrote:
>
> You know... I think Kibo may have accidentally killed John John. Does
> anyone notice how odd it is that Kibo mentioned the Kennedys in this week's
> "Do What I Say Club?" Did Kibo's carelessness cause the death of the son of
> the late president?
Hmm, I wrote those rumors at least a year ago. Let me look at my Web
site to see what that one (for last week) was...
Very Special Rumor #28
Most of the people who write to Ann Landers
are actually Kibo!
-->
--> Very Special Rumor #29
--> Kibo used to be a member of the Kennedy family,
--> until they disowned him for not drinking enough!
Very Special Rumor #30
Kibo invented the colon, the hyphen, and
the right parenthesis!
Yep, it's true. Not only did I just mention the Kennedy family -- in an
entirely automated way, while I was too ill with the flu to read Usenet --
but I guarantee you that the Kennedys deny I'm one of them, and I don't drink,
so it MUST be true.
Other than that, nobody mentioned JFK Jr. by name on alt.religion.kibology
within the past year. However, a year and a half ago, one of the other
Kennedys was killed by an EVIL TREE! (At about the same time as Sonny Bono.)
And here's what happened. Note that not one of these folks picks up on the
LARGE GLOWING FLASHING ASSERTION THAT THE CURRENT PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES IS GERRY FORD.
(BY THE WAY, HE'S NOT. CHEVY CHASE IS.)
As Ted Frank may have pointed out, people who like to brag about their
SAT scores are more easily hoodwinked than people who got low scores.
Of course, the least gullible are those of us who got high scores
and DON'T brag about it...
-- K.
My SAT score was so
high that I got a free game!
///////////// reruns //////////////////////////////////////////////////////
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Tragic, gory death
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.fan.u2,alt.music.u2,
alt.music.dead-kennedys
Followup-To: alt.music.u2
Date: 1998/01/07
Geez, first MTV's Kennedy, then U2's Bono die while skiing.
All because of badly-placed trees.
I think we should start a petition to have the President make trees illegal!
Write to:
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, GERALD R. FORD
THE WHITE HOUSE
1400 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE
WASHINGTON, D.C.
And by an amazing coincidence, 1400 is also my SAT score, which is the maximum!
-- K.
Was U2 named
after the submarine
or the uranium?
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
From: nic (nicbarna@ihug.co.nz)
Subject: Re: Tragic, gory death
Newsgroups: alt.music.u2
Organization: The Internet Group Ltd
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 1998 07:01:15 GMT
On Wed, 7 Jan 1998 05:48:11 GMT, kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo"
Parry) wrote:
>
> Geez, first MTV's Kennedy, then U2's Bono die while skiing.
> All because of badly-placed trees.
>
> I think we should start a petition to have the President make trees illegal!
>
> Write to:
>
> THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, GERALD R. FORD
> THE WHITE HOUSE
> 1400 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE
> WASHINGTON, D.C.
>
> And by an amazing coincidence, 1400 is also my SAT score, which is the
> maximum!
If that really is your SAT score then please explain your lack of
intelligence in the above post.
"Come on God,answer me.After years I'm asking you why,
why are the innocent dead & the guilty alive?Where is
justice?Where is punishment?Or have you already answered?
Have you already said to the world?Here is justice,here
is punishment.Here.In me."
The Punisher.
Nic DFL
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
From: Lou Palou (koroviev@sirius.com)
Subject: Re: Tragic, gory death
Newsgroups: alt.music.u2
Organization: The Sugar Lounge
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 1998 06:48:19 GMT
On Wed, 7 Jan 1998 05:48:11 GMT, kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo"
Parry) wrote:
>
> Was U2 named
> after the submarine
> or the uranium?
Back when they were young lassies in Dublin, performing under the name
of Sonny and the Chastity Pigs, they were having a bad gig at the
Moose & Mussels one night when one of the locals cried out "You suck!"
Bono, being the consommate improvisor, parried with "You too!". This
phrase haunted him for months until the epiphany which brought us the
letter "U" and the numeral "2" we've all come to loathe.
This is not a true story. Don't sue me.
--
Lou
uptime 9:01:44
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
From: Jyphy (Jyphy@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Tragic, gory death
Newsgroups: alt.music.u2
Organization: Internet Services Provider Network
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 1998 21:31:49 -0800
James "Kibo" Parry wrote:
>
> Geez, first MTV's Kennedy, then U2's Bono die while skiing.
> All because of badly-placed trees.
>
> I think we should start a petition to have the President make trees illegal!
>
> Write to:
>
> THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, GERALD R. FORD
> THE WHITE HOUSE
> 1400 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE
> WASHINGTON, D.C.
>
> And by an amazing coincidence, 1400 is also my SAT score, which is the
> maximum!
>
> -- K.
> Was U2 named
> after the submarine
> or the uranium?
don't even joke about bono dying. that would be the day I die. Not
really...it'd suck shit though. I thought 1600 was max.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
From: The Mad Bastard Twitch (twitch@mindspring.com)
Subject: Re: Tragic, gory death
Newsgroups: alt.music.u2
Organization: The Ragged Edge of Linear Thought
Date: Wed, 07 Jan 1998 22:38:00 GMT
>
> And by an amazing coincidence, 1400 is also my SAT score, which is the
> maximum!
>
Congratulations, I only scored a measly 1440 myself. (650m, 790v) :)
The maximum, BTW, is 1600 (800 per section).
> -- K.
> Was U2 named
> after the submarine
> or the uranium?
(Who cares? They suck anyway!)
Twitch
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
From: Thomas Chaumont (chaum@mygale.org)
Subject: Re: Tragic, gory death
Newsgroups: alt.music.u2, alt.religion.kibology
Organization: ImagiNET
Date: Thu, 08 Jan 1998 12:49:28 +0000
Ted Frank wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> > Was U2 named
> > after the submarine
> > or the uranium?
>
> Silly Kibo. The symbol for uranium is "Hg".
>
> --
> You're just a drifter who found a bag of mail.
> http://www.radix,net/~moe
Bloody bugger yourself.
Hg is for mercury.
Open your mouth when you're damn sure to be right.
(I should post this everyday...)
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
From: "Rufus T. Firefly" (rufus_t_firefly2@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Tragic, gory death
Newsgroups: alt.music.u2
Organization: Erol's Internet Services
Date: Sat, 10 Jan 1998 12:29:05 -0500
*sarcastic*
umm, yeah, you're cool.
it was an ACTUAL kennedy, dipshit.
this is what happens when you watch mtv
be warned.
-rufus
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Which is better?
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 04:34:31 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Keywords: olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra olestra
I was going to post:
TYPE 1: hard lumps like nuts
TYPE 2: lumpy sausage
TYPE 3: sausage with cracked surface
TYPE 4: sausage with smooth surface
TYPE 5: soft blobs with well-defined margins
TYPE 6: fluffy with ragged edges
TYPE 7: watery, no solid pieces
But then I found:
TYPE 1: seperate hard lumps like nuts, hard to pass
TYPE 2: sausage like but lumpy
TYPE 3: like a sausage but with cracks on its surface
TYPE 4: like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft
TYPE 5: soft blobs with clear cut edges (pressed easily)
TYPE 6: fluffy pieces with ragged edges
TYPE 7: watery, no solid pieces, ENTIRELY LIQUID
So which of the two versions of the Bristol Stool Form Scale is the official
one endorsed by poopologists everywhere? (I've transcribed the misspellings
faithfully, although I can't show that in the second one, Type 4's description
is purple for no reason.)
Also, which of the 14 types is the most like a spicy Cajun andouille sausage?
And why do doctors think about this stuff?
-- K.
ONLY THOSE OF US WHO ARE NOT
DOCTORS SHOULD THINK ABOUT POO-POO!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Soda studies.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 04:55:57 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! IT'S SPARKLING NEW KONTEXT-AWAY! WHOOSH!
> [...]
>
> I urinated in public once.
KABOOM! KABOOM! KABOMB! KONTEXT-AWAY BOMBS CONTEXT BACK TO THE STONE AGE!
> [...]
>
> In fact, I'll probably be able to pee off the top of a building before
> I feel comfortable sharing one giant urinal with two other guys.
I particularly like your new title sequence where the "Gilligan's Island"
theme plays as you and the Skipper and Gilligan are in a boat while the
bad weather makes the picture turn upside down.
And speaking of "Gilligan's Island"...
Yesterday The Fox Family Channel showed "The Harlem Globetrotters On
Gilligan's Island". All of it. It's my favorite movie of the small
subset of movies that have LOUD LAUGH TRACKS.
Anyway, I was wrong in my earlier assertion that Barbara Bain's elaborate
asymmetric 1960s hairdo has never changed. In "That Harlem Globetrotters
On Gilligan's Island" she has a weird genetic hybrid of 50% Barbara Bain Hair
and 50% Farrah Hair.
MOM! MY FARRAH FAWCETT FASHION HEAD GOT ALL TEASY-WEASY!!!
-- K.
Of course, the Barbara Bain
Fashion Head would have hair
you could never re-style,
and of course her facial
expression would be more plastic
than the Farrah Fashion Head's.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Mass. Eye & Ear Emergency Room
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 05:01:44 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Richard E. Nickle (rick@trystero.com) wrote:
>
> I would just like to say that last night
> I had to go to the Emergency Room at Mass Eye
> & Ear which is right next to Mass General Hospital.
And Buzzy's and the abandoned prison which they don't use any more
because it's cruel to keep prisoners near Buzzy's.
> I went because I developed 'swimmer's ear' swimming
> in the cold Atlantic Ocean in New Jersey, which
> should be the cleanest ocean in the world because
> it doesn't have Los Angeles attached to it, just
> New York, London, Bayonne and Rio de Janeiro.
>
> Oh, and Boston.
>
> I went to the MGH emergency room first, but they
> redirected me to Mass Eye & Ear because I had
> an ear problem. I wondered if I could get in
> with just an ear problem because it wasn't
> 'Mass Eye or Ear', but they took me anyway.
>
> So, anyway, although I didn't eat Jar-Jar Binks
> Gungan Tongue of Love, I *did* see SW:TPM just
> prior to developing this painful condition.
>
> The admitting nurse who triaged me said, "So,
> you went swimming in the ocean and now you have
> swimmer's ear? We are getting a whole lot of
> those today, must be pollution in the water."
> And I said, "But I wasn't swimming here, I was
> down in New Jersey off the Chesapeake Bay", and
> she said, "They are the same ocean, aren't they?"
IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME PLACE! SO NEVER PEE IN ANY TOILETS THAT MIGHT
BE CONNECTED TO THE OCEAN WHICH CONNECTS TO YOUR KITCHEN FAUCET!!!
> I didn't even have to wait long, although I took
> a book, another Tristan Jones book of salty stories.
> There was a cute girl there escorting a mentally
> disabled guy who had an eye problem. I was hoping
> that my book technique would get her attention,
> but she was more interested in my cell phone.
Maybe you would get more chicks if you started beeping and vibrating.
> We talked for awhile (and stuff), and I found out
> her name (and stuff), but I was too chickenshit to ask
> for her phone number because every guy in the place
> was watching (she was the only CHYX in the waiting
> room) and I didn't want to get turned down in front
> of them.
>
> So, in the end, they checked my ear out and sucked
> a whole lot of gross stuff out,
"EWW! WHAT'S THIS THING THAT LOOKS LIKE A BRAIN?"
"WHO CARES, THROW IT AWAY BEFORE HE WAKES UP!"
> but it still hurts and I have to pour antibiotics
> and steroids into for the next week.
And then you'll have an ear that can lift weights, and
you'll think everyone's talking with an Austrian accent.
> The End.
I will not mention that Schwarzenegger has a tiny penis.
-- K.
OH WHAT A LITTLE GIVEAWAY!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: JFK Death Rays: An In-Depth Report
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 05:10:36 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> It's official: we killed JFK. It's not entirely sure if we killed
> JFK's son, though, since we never mentioned him specifically. Kibo gave a
> good effort (replying to a post of mine) and mojoob's touching story of a
> man and his JFK Pez dispenser contained more death rays than Archie's
> microwaved spag-in-a-cup. I followed up to that post, meaning that I was
> peripherally involved in the JFK death rays. It's my first near-kill.
> I'm very proud.
> The following are offered for your perusal, and because I wanna be FIRST
> FIRST FIRST.
>
> REPORT REPOST REPURT REMEME REPOST REPOST
>
> [context elided]
>
> [Kibo wrote:]
>
> > Yeah, but I hear that Ultra|United Games will soon be coming out with
> > a game where you'll actually be able to control the Magic Bullet as it
> > travels through John Horton Conway's shoulder (disrupting every group
> > of four or more cells), orbits JFK's head twice, stops to read a J. G.
> > Ballard story, pops a Mentos, and then slams into Bob Hope at five
> > hundred times the speed of light while dispensing candy.
> >
> > It'll even have a mode where you can play as Scott Bakula as Lee
> > Harvey Oswald, Bill Murray's brother as Jack Ruby, or even a Harvey
> > The Rabbit vs Oswald Rabbit death-match mode. And those cute li'l
> > rapscallions from "South Park" will show up when you least expect it!
> > Many, many times!
> >
> > AVAILABLE SOON FOR THE SONY GAS STATION!
David Pacheco and Etienne Rouette will explain alternating words of that
while Lee Meriwether grabs John Horton Conway's shoulder with one hand
and George Takei's shoulder with the other. And then Neil Armstrong misses
Bill Murray's face completely and lands on George Takei's, thus ruining
Charlie Rocket's funniest joke forever!
Also, I'd like to point out that today is the thirtieth anniversary of
Neil Armstrong stomping all over the Moon, and I'd like to point out that
the first words spoken by him the surface of the Moon (outside the LEM)
were NOT "That's one small step for [a] man..." I mean, how the heck
do you think that TV camera got set up pointing back at the capsule?
If memory serves, his first words after coming down the ladder the FIRST
time were "It's some kind of dry crumbly stuff, I can kick it around."
-- K.
Which would make a good segue
to the Bristol Stool Form Scale
if I already hadn't used it today.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: holy yikes!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 05:21:47 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote:
>
> Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote:
> >
> > We saw "The Blair Witch Project" last night.
>
> We saw "Eyes Wide Shut" instead.
Like "The Blair Witch Project", was it a completely totally absolutely
true story? About Tom Cruise's incredible sexual prowess and great
personality, and Nicole Kidman's awesome talent?
> Also, someone should tell whoever composed the score that the piano has 87
> other keys, give or take.
Could be worse. The entire soundtrack could have consisted of three hours of:
[loud inhalation.]
KA---PONGGG!!!!
[loud exhalation.]
KA---PONGGG!!!!
[loud inhalation.]
KA---PONGGG!!!!
[loud exhalation.]
KA---PONGGG!!!!
[loud inhalation.]
KA---PONGGG!!!!
[loud exhalation.]
KA---PONGGG!!!!
[Quick shot of two wadded-up dirty sponges being tossed past the camera under
the influence of gravity from the bottom of the frame.]
> But I was pleased that there was Kubrick's trademark "long walk down a
> long sterile hallway" shot in the film.
I'm just sad that he never got to do a movie about bowling because I know
he would have loved to do a long static close-up of a 7-10 split.
With people saying "EEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEEEeeeee..." in the background.
> The applause ratio for Tom Cruise : Nicole Kidman : Stanley Kubrick in the
> opening extra bold Futura credits was approximately 1:4:9.
How obvious! And to think that that was just in the first three dimensions!
Then, as Ted Frank fell asleep, Scientology invaded his brain like fog
moving through a forest on evil cat feet. As one Ted Frank died, another
became immoral. He turned his attention to the pitiful inflatable planet
below and with the merest fraction of his intellect he turned William
Sylvester into Roy Scheider. Then Peter Hyams came in and messed up which
parts of the ship were supposed to have gravity, completely ruining the movie!
-- K.
"The official Stanley Kubrick chess set, designed and produced by Mr.
Kubrick himself. All the squares would be glowing white plastic, except for
four shiny black ones arranged in a perfect asymmetric balance. The pieces
would squeak when you moved them. There would be a light bulb in front of
the most interesting square. Your opponent, wearing a brown tie, would hold
very still. The board would be really long and narrow and you'd have to
look at it through a fisheye lens. For three hours." -- Kibo, April 1997
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Bad movie notes: "The Avengers: The Motion Picture"
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 03:30:36 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Now that "Secret Agent Man" is being remade as a ''wacky'' TV series,
and Jim Carrey wants to play Don Adams in a "Get Smart" movie (not to
be confused with the other two "Get Smart" movies which were released
under a total of three titles), Hollywood's plan to ruin every secret agent
you liked in the sixties is succeeding. (Whether or not you count
"The Teletubbies" as a ripoff of "The Prisoner".)
Anyway, I just sat through "The Avengers: The Major Motion Picture Experience",
starring Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Uma Thurman's evil twin, Sean Connery
wearing a giant teddy bear costume, and the invisible guy represented
by a file folder dangling from a string.
Here are some notes I just typed up on "The Avengers". They're not pretty.
They're kind of fragmentary and disjointed and you can tell I wasn't
really trying... HEY, WAIT, I'VE BEEN INFECTED BY THE BAD MOVIE! Augh!
----- begin sloppy notes -----
I just saw "The Avengers"... and now I know why nobody liked it.
Is this one of those ones where the budget ran out when they had only filmed
half of it? Or was it just a really, really, really, really botched effort?
The plot was in little bits and pieces (what there was of it), the special
effects were pretty bad (some really atrocious matte paintings, etc.),
most of the actors weren't enjoying themselves (Fiona Shaw being the
exception), the insipid music made me unhappy that I can't find my
Laurie Johnson CD, and around the fifth brolly-vs-cane fight I started
getting really bored.
Oh, and the scene with the mechanical wasps is about 100 decibels above
human tolerance, and the people who made the movie obviously understood
NOTHING about the style of "The Avengers", which was quite clearly spelled
out in the original series bible -- note that the two key rules of visual
style were [a] don't use establishing shots and [b] don't show the characters
walking from point A to point B. The movie violates those rules so badly
that not only do they actually show a few matte paintings representing
locations that DON'T HAVE SCENES ATTACHED TO THEM, but they SCROLL LITTLE
BEEPITY-BEEP OCR CAPTIONS ACROSS THE SCREEN whenever a character shows up
because they couldn't figure out how to write a script to explain that
John Steed is a secret agent, etc., etc.
Anyway, the thing as a whole was a bad idea, but so are most movies based
on good TV shows (or on bad ones), but this one was also really botched
in just about every possible way. The fact that scenes appeared to be
missing in a number of places suggests that perhaps [a] they released
an unfinished film ("Tank Girl", "Alien 3", "Super Mario Bros.") or [b] the
studio tried to save it by editing out large parts of it ("Star Trek 5") or
just plain [c] someone needs to read a book on how to write a screenplay
where the different scenes connect to each other. (PAGING SYD FIELD...)
But all in all, the fact that they didn't quite know whether "The Avengers"
should be a straight drama, a romance, a deadpan bit of camp, or a wacky
wacky bit of silliness, is probably the biggest problem with the movie.
(STEED AND PEEL ALMOST KISS AT ONE POINT! AND SEAN CONNERY IS SEEN WEARING
A GIANT TEDDY BEAR SUIT! HE FOUND SOMETHING DOPIER TO WEAR THAN HIS
"ZARDOZ" COSTUME!) But even if they had found the right attitude to
approach their source material, and even if the script had been well-written,
and even if the actors had been motivated to try, the fact that it's a
movie about a weather machine (which self-destructs if you pull a wire out)
would be an insurmountable obstacle to making this movie work. Essentially,
they didn't have a good story idea, then they wrote a bad script from it,
then they made a bad movie out of it.
I'd have to rank this slightly below "Zardoz" and slightly above
"Highlander II". YOUR HAVE BEEN WARNED, "THE AVENGERS" WAS AS BAD AS
EVERYONE TOLD YOU.
Now if only someone could dig up some kinescopes of "Crime Doctor"...
Anyway, if you're tempted to watch "The Avengers: The Motion Picture",
do yourself a favor and rent "Casino Royale", which is exactly the same
movie, with exactly the same defects (including the all-important contempt
for its source material) except that most of the actors were enjoying
themselves.
Or, of course, see the second "Get Smart" movie, the one with the weather
machine. (Which, incidentally, was amazingly faithful to the look and
attitude of the show, perhaps as an apology for the first "Get Smart"
movie, a.k.a "The Nude Bomb".)
Better yet, just don't watch any movie made after 1990. They're all
just ruined TV shows. REMEMBER WHEN TV SHOWS USED TO BE BASED ON MOVIES?
-- K.
I like Sean Connery enough that I'm praying
he can become seriously injured to stop him
from making more mistakes like "Zardoz",
"Highlander II", and "The Avengers".
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: It's the Moon's 30th birthday.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 03:46:16 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
...and only a few months to the day it blows up on September 13, 1999!
Anyway, today (July 20) is the 30th anniversary of when Armstrong walked
around on the Moon a while, then went back into the capsule so they could
turn on the TV camera so he could be the first man on the Moon.
And after thirty years, Buzz Aldrin is STILL sore they didn't let him
be the one!
From what I understand, the conversation in the capsule went something
like this. Imagine Michael Collins is sitting between Neil Armstrong
and Buzz Aldrin:
BUZZ
Neil, I still say I should be the first.
NEIL
Buzz, we've gone over this a million times.
MIKE
Hey, guys, I'm trying to sleep...
BUZZ
By all rights it should be alphabetical order. "Aldrin"
comes before "Armstrong" by nearly half a letter.
NEIL
Buzz, I'm the guy NASA designated as mission commander.
Also I outrank you.
BUZZ
But I have a cool nickname.
NEIL
Oh, what are you gonna do, blink me to death with
your little red LED?
MIKE
Guys, I really need to get some sleep...
BUZZ
Well, Neil, you might be the mission commander, but I'm
the lunar module pilot. So if I can't be the first
man on the moon, I'm gonna land this baby on its side.
You're awfully close to that window, eh?
NEIL
Buzz, it's non-negotiable, NASA told us about fifty
times that I was going out first. Even if some weird
space brain fever made me suddenly want you to go first,
we couldn't change the mission plan now or President
Nixon would have us all court-martialed.
MIKE
Hey! Neil! Buzz! Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!
BUZZ
Neil... I still say I should go first.
NEIL
No!
BUZZ
Since we can't decide, let's ask Mike to decide which
of the two of us should be the first man on the Moon.
NEIL
Mike agrees with me.
BUZZ
Oh, no he won't. Mike agrees with me.
NEIL
No. With me.
BUZZ
Me, me, me!
MIKE
(waving his arms)
Hello? Neil? Buzz? I'm right here...
NEIL
Shut up, Mike, this is important astronaut stuff.
You just sit there and practice watching us for when
the two of us walk on the Moon tomorrow.
(MIKE quietly reaches under their acceleration couches and takes
out a laser gun. NEIL and BUZZ don't notice. FADE OUT.)
-- K.
Starring Tom Hanks as Neil,
Tim Allen as Buzz, and
Jon Voight as Mike.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: It's the Moon's 30th birthday.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 06:00:16 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > BUZZ
> > Neil, I still say I should be the first.
> >
> > NEIL
> > Buzz, we've gone over this a million times.
>
> My favorite detail of this particular issue, from Chaikin's book:
> As it turned out, Buzz *couldn't* physically have been the first
> one out of the LM, because
>
> (1) on the first landing they weren't allowed to completely take their
> spacesuits off inside the LM,
> (2) there wasn't enough room in there for two suited astronauts to
> switch places, and
> (3) the door was in the way.
Yeah, but besides Armstrong sitting with his head an inch from the
egress hatch, and outranking Buzz, and having been designated mission
commander, and having been specifically scripted as being the first
guy out, are there any IMPORTANT reasons why Buzz couldn't have gone
first just because he wanted to? I mean, it was mean of Armstrong not
to lett Buzz cut in front of him. Buzz was more important because he
was on "Monty Python's Flying Circus".
-- K.
Not even going to mention that
Alan Bean was the gay guy on
"The Kids In The Hall".
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: It's the Moon's 30th birthday.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 05:55:39 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > ...and only a few months to the day it blows up on September 13, 1999!
>
> Which reminds me: What, if any, Boston-area Kibological event is being
> contemplated for that hysteric day? A Martin Landau-Barbara Bain film
> festival? Come-As-Your-Favorite-7-11-Food-Item?
Something like that, although I haven't nailed down the details of the
A.R.K Eighth Annual Party-Like Eventoid Thingie. I'm not even sure
what date(s) you should pencil in for the Boston bash, I'd have to look
at a calendar and see what weekends are within a week of the 13th, and
that would be WORK. Plus it's scary to look at 13ths on calendars.
Further updates as events mandate.
-- K.
I'm thinking we should all go to the
Museum of Science and yell "WHERE'S
PAULY SHORE?" to amuse Etienne Rouette.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: They never live up to the subject lines.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 04:05:21 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Christian Science Monitor just wire-serviced:
>
> Subject: Fatten redworms on vacuum cleaner dust and last night's pizza boxes
But what do I do with TODAY'S pizza boxes? And how big a grinder do I need
to use to make vacuum cleaner dust? Should I unplug it before I grind it?
More to the point, aren't there lots of other, probably more nutritious,
things that I could use to make worms fat, if some mysterious neurological
fistula made me want to fatten worms?
-- K.
How fat can a worm be before
it ceases being worm-shaped?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: BOB HOPE DEAD! FINALLY!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 04:19:34 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> ...is probably the current leader in that whole "Article that doesn't
> live up to its Subject: line" contest.
I cannot be trollerized, you fool, because I know that nobody would call
Bob Hope's death _final_, because we all know that he will rise from the
grave, zombie-like (only older and more revered) and not go back to his
hole in the ground until he personally apologizes to everyone in the world
for discovering Phyllis Diller.
Also he needs to explain the intended purpose of the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS"
sign in the movie "Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!"
Then, and only then, can he return to his eternal slumber, to be awakened
only in times of national crisis caused by pigs with wings.
-- K.
I have nothing against Phyllis
Diller, but you gotta admit, Bob
shoulda left her where he found her.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: BOB HOPE DEAD! FINALLY!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 06:04:12 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Michael "Jaffo" Duff (jaffo2@earthlink.net) wrote:
>
> I was listening to some old broadcasts of Jack Benny the other day, and
> dammit, he was FUNNY.
He was funnier after he went to TV because then you could see that he
was uncomfortable wearing men's clothing. And that Eddie "Rochester"
Anderson was black. On the radio you just had to use your imagination.
Now, "Amos & Andy", that was a radio show where you could tell they
were actually black!
-- K.
DIAGRAM: SEE, IN THE RADIO VERSION OF "AMOS & ANDY"
THEY WERE PLAYED BY TWO WHITE JERKS. ALSO JACK BENNY
WAS A TRANNY WHO PLAYED DRESS-UP WITH ED WOOD.
AND THEN HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO CHARLES NELSON REILLY.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A Night of Shame
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Wed, 21 Jul 1999 04:23:06 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote:
>
> I've just read half this thread at one gulp, so to speak ... and am sort of
> Sad that I can't contribute that much, mainly because I haven't -owned- a
> TV for a long long time...
I just read half your article before replying to it.
-- K.
P.S. GET A TV, YOU LOSER!!!
YOU'RE MISSING JAY LENO
MAKING FUN OF STUPID PEOPLE!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A library question
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Thu, 22 Jul 1999 06:16:46 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote:
>
> Why is that the kid's section at my local library smells like an overturned
> dumspter?
I wish I could have mis-read "library" as "pornography store" so that I
could say something about your perversion. But I didn't, so I'll just
have to give a perfectly serious response to your question:
ASK DON SAKLAD!!!!
-- K.
Also, you misspelled "dumpster",
but that's okay, Len Cella
mispronounces it.
HEY! THAT REMINDS ME!
LAST YEAR I FORGOT TO POST
THIS!
|
|
+--------------------------------+
|
v
THE LEN CELLA EXPERIENCE!
And now... at extreme cost to my psyche... I have transcribed and
annotated the first quarter of "More Moron Movies", a VHS tape I
purchased during a moment of duress. The tape unwrapped and inserted
easily. Other than the distributor's logo, there was no title sequence.
Len Cella is a middle-aged Philadelphia native who makes wacky comedy
videos in his home, entirely unaided. Every video features a cast of
one or fewer, with his camera sitting on a tripod pointing at him.
(Therefore no camera moves or special effects.) Costumes are minimal
(he has a few shirts, a wig, etc.) as are props (things like the bent
piece of pipe or bowling pins show up repeatedly.)
Each sketch (generally about 20 seconds long) is introduced by a shot of
some carefully-spaced plastic letters (white Helvetica) on a tabletop.
Every edit (when a title appears or disappears) is accompanied by a loud
"pop", and the soundtrack mostly consists of the whirr of an old
camcorder (with Cella speaking in some of the sketches, but many are
silent except for this whirr. There is no music. Once in a while,
sound effects are provided by a tape recorder.) Each segments thus
consists of a "pop", some white letters, a "pop", Len against a blank
wall being wacky for a few seconds, then a cut to black for two seconds.
Picture quality is comparable to that of anything else shot on VHS
and then duplicated a few times.
Mr. Cella's acting is curiously unemotional. He makes funny faces, but
his vocal delivery is... well... deadpan.
These videos were made in the early eighties, and some of the better
ones aired (with dubbed-in wacky music and Ed McMahon reading the titles
aloud) on "TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes", where they were called "Len
Cella's Silly Cinemas".
You gotta admire his persistence and resourcefulness in making so
many comedy shorts despite a lack of... um, everything.
And now, a blow-by-blow transcript of the first fifteen minutes of
"More Moron Movies". I didn't do the other forty-five minutes, because,
well, I decided I'd rather have a snack than watch TV.
THE PATENT OFFICE
(Len Cella sits down in front of a blank yellow wall, holding a zigzag
assembly of half-inch copper pipes in front of his face.)
(Cut to Len Cella in a hat, without his glasses, sitting down in front
of the same wall, holding the same prop in front of his face.)
(They look at each other. Len Cella looks sad.)
BOB THE MAGICIAN
(Len Cella, with a drawn-on mustache, is in front of a black wall
holding a fedora.)
LEN CELLA
Don't think I can't do this trick
just 'cause I'm turnin' the light out.
(He flips a switch he is holding. We only faintly see his outline as he
puts something in the hat, accompanied by sounds of the microphone being
knocked about. He turns the light on and pulls a small toy rabbit out
of the fedora.)
LEN CELLA
(voiceover on tape)
Way to go Bob.
THE MORNING AFTER
(Len, against a blue wall with a closet, tries to put up a yellow
jacket but puts it on upside down. He passes it under his legs
and now it fits. He exits, into the closet. We are unsure if
the closet represents the exit or a closet.)
THE CRUEL DOCTOR
(Len, against a blank wall which may have been intended to be white,
is wearing a surgeon's cap.)
LEN CELLA
I got this little needle... (holds up a nail)
and I've got the Exterminator. (holds up a
tube with a huge bent wire sticking out of it.)
Guess which one you're gettin'.
(Cut to Len, without the doctor's cap, in extreme closeup against a
white stucco wall. He is grimacing in fear and/or disgust.)
LEN CELLA
The little one?
(Cut back to Len as the doctor.)
LEN CELLA
(shakes his head histrionically for several seconds)
Wrong!
(There is a pause, then he throws the nail away. It goes "clank" as it
hits the wall.)
POOR MAN'S ORANGE SQUEEZER
(Len pulls out a desk drawer and puts some oranges behind it.
He slams the drawer a few times. He opens a lower drawer and
takes out a half-full glass of what appears to be Tang or other
transparent orange fluid.)
SMALL CLAIMS COURT
(Len against a blank black wall.)
LEN CELLA
Your honor, I was playing ball with this lady's
dog, and, uh, the ball went out the winda, and the
ball went pssssssh (gestures) ten floors.
HEALTH TIP
(Hands are turning the pages of a cut-up Sunday newspaper comic section
roughly the size of a comic book.)
LEN CELLA (voice-over)
Surgeons who advertise in comic books are
probably not quality physicians.
(In the back of the book is a page of yellow paper with "BIFF'S CHEAP
HEART SURGERY" written on it in black crayon.)
MISTER FAILURE
(Len is wearing a bow tie, against a black wall, holding a baton. A
microphone stand, with no microphone, is in front of him for no reason.)
LEN CELLA
They call me Mister Failure. You name it,
I can't do it.
(He slowly turns the baton over a few times, then tosses it into the
air, moans, and ducks out of frame. It knocks over the microphone
stand.)
BROCCOLI ABUSE
(Len puts a piece of broccoli under the rocker of his rocking chair and
rocks on it.)
SELF HYPNOSIS
(Extreme closeup of Len Cella's face, against black, lit by a candle in
front of it.)
LEN CELLA
If I concentrate hard enough the flame will not burn my hand.
The flame will not burn, the flame will not burn...
(He moves his hand to within three inches above and left
of the flame.) Ow! The hell with this, I'm goin' back to yoga.
HOW TO SAVE PAPER
(A shaky hand-held camera shows up a roll of toilet paper with "HERS"
written on the first sheet and "HIS" written on the second sheet. Mr.
Cella's bathroom appears to have lavender or blue walls, and white or
green trim.)
THE MEAN PILOT
(Len is against a blank blue wall, wearing a headset and holding a
microphone.)
LEN CELLA
This is your captain speaking, we're cruisin' at
six hundred miles an hour at an altitude of...
(pause) three... inches.
(He smiles and we hear a tape recording of a woman screaming three
times, which continues into the black after this sketch.)
THE BACKWARDS BULLET
(A bullet slides uncertainly backwards against black. A taxidermied
alligator's head appears from the other side of the screen. The bullet
turns around and backs out.)
TONIGHT SHOW AUDITIONS
(Len Cella is against a black wall.)
LEN CELLA
My first bird call is the mad crow.
(shouting while making a funny face) CAW!
(Cut to Len Cella wearing a wrinkly "bald wig", smoking a cigar.)
LEN CELLA
Next.
PYTHONS ON TRIAL
(A blurry shot of two slug-like constructs of green modelling clay. The
camera pulls back to reveal that one has the shape of a toy car embedded
in the middle.)
LEN CELLA (voice-over)
Okay, which one of you guys ate the Buick?
THE WRAPPER
(A large sheet of white paper is sitting on a table, with a small packet
of orange cheez crackers on it. Hands reach in from the top of the
frame and pick it up, with the microphone capturing enormously amplified
cellophane rustling. Len cannot get the packet open. He sets it down
and then whacks it with a rusty old axe, then slowly sets the axe down
on the paper. He picks up the packet and it is still not open.)
CAVEMAN LEARNS HOW TO LIE
(Len Cella, against black, is shirtless and wearing a piece of fur on
his head. And his glasses.)
LEN CELLA
Whaddaya think of my paintin', Gronk?
(He holds up a piece of slate with a cartoon face drawn on it,
completely blocking our view of his own face. Cut to Len Cella, against
black, in the same costume as the first caveman.)
LEN CELLA
(nods his head for a bit) Very good! (Stifles a laugh)
TV STEALING CONTEST
(We see Len Cella's porch, with white tape stretched between two stakes.
Len, in shorts, is crouching ten feet away. There is a sound of a cap
pistol. Len jogs up the porch steps and down again carrying a small TV,
and runs through the tape.)
HOW TO SPOT PHONY JEWELRY
(Extreme close-up of Len Cella's neck, with jelly beans on a string
around it.)
LEN CELLA
They're fake if they taste like jelly beans.
(He bites off the ends of several of the jelly beans and chews. We hear
the sound of him chewing in extreme closeup.)
EINSTEIN MAKES BAT FOR HIGH PITCHES
(In his yard again, Len Cella is in front of a picket fence, wearing a
white paper mustache. He is holding a Z-shaped piece of plywood that
vaguely suggests a crooked, two-dimensional bat. With his other hand,
he tosses a tennis ball into the air and gently hits it with the cutout
bat. It goes "bonk".)
FIRST YOGURT SALES MEETING
(Extreme close-up of Len against a blue wall. He holds a dripping
spoonful of yogurt in front of his nose.)
LEN CELLA
Can we really ask people to put this in their mouth?
ANOTHER USE FOR BAD PRESIDENTS
(A handheld camera shows a "5 MPH" sign on a pole. It tilts down to
reveal a straw hat, a blue jacket, and white trousers lying in the road.
I think it's supposed to be a guy as a speed bump. Unless he's
suggesting that bad presidents should take off all their clothes and
drop them in the road and run around naked.)
SESAME STREET
(We see the white Helvetica letters again, this time spelling out the
word "SPRUNION" on Len's gray carpet.)
LEN CELLA (voice-over)
The word for today is "sprunion". A sprunion
is a toe that wears out a sock.
(Tilt up to reveal Len's foot wearing an old blue sock with his big toe
sticking out of a hole. The ankle is also nearly transparent.)
THE DUMB PAPER HANGER
(Len waves a brush in front of three strips of wallpaper which are
hanging in front of his wall, unattached except at the top. He backs
out of the frame. There is an edit, during which the paper moves
slightly. Then he enters, wearing the bald wig, through a door behind
the paper, walking between the dangling strips.)
HOW TO AGGRAVATE
(Len, in extreme closeup, against the blue wall.)
LEN CELLA
If you're really serious about aggravating people,
chew on ice cubes while you're talking to them.
(He chews on ice cubes.)
A BETTER BOWLING BALL
(Two bowling pins are standing on the floor. A dumbbell-like construct
of two six-inch-wide toy bowling balls connected by a stick rolls into
frame and knocks them over.)
POOR MAN'S DIVORCE COURT
(Len, wearing black as a judge, is against a black wall.)
LEN CELLA
(holding up a TV, looking through where the picture tube should be)
The TV goes to... (sets it down and picks up a flashlight)
The lamp goes to... (sets it down and picks up a green paper fan)
The air conditioner goes to... (sets it down and picks up a green
garden hose) and the dishwasher goes to...
WORLD'S WORST CLOTHES
(We see a corner of Len's home, with blue walls and a door to the
street.)
LEN CELLA (voice-over)
The only clean clothes you have to wear to the laundromat.
(Len walks into frame carrying his laundry in a green basket,
wearing a small hat, a shredded shirt and striped boxer shorts.
He exits via the door.)
THE MEAN PILOT
(Len, with a bow tie, against the blue wall, wearing a headset and
holding a microphone.)
LEN CELLA
This is your captain speaking. In case you're wondering,
I was last in my class in flight school. Heh-heh.
(We hear the tape recording of the woman screaming again. She screams
three and a half times before the edit cuts her off.)
OATMEAL INSTEAD OF BUMPERS
(A green toy car has oatmeal piled on the hood. A hand holds it from
behind as a yellow toy truck bumps into it. It goes "bonk".)
CHEAP NOSES
(Len Cella, extreme-closeup, blue wall.)
LEN CELLA
The cheapest nose I've got goes for five bucks.
(He squishes some pink Play-Doh onto his face.)
If you insist on having nostrils, ten bucks.
(He pokes two indentations into it.)
THE BAD GIFT DRAWER
(A bottom dresser drawer is open, containing four bowling pins, a
bowling ball, and the previously seen undersized double bowling ball.
He drops in a picture, consisting of black crayon scribbles, and steps
on it, then kicks the drawer to close it. It doesn't close because two
of the bowling pins are standing up.)
HONEST ART CRITIC AT THE LOUVRE
(Len Cella is in front of a gray wall, on which is hanging a framed
crayon drawing of a hill and the sun, signed "Picasso" in two-inch-high
letters. He takes it off the wall.)
LEN CELLA
If you or I painted this painting it'd be in the dumper
where it belongs. (Throws it on the floor.)
SIAMESE TRIPLETS AT THE EMPLOYMENT AGENCY
(Len Cella enters with two cardboard cutouts of drawings of Len Cella
heads attached to the sides of his head. They each have a small
circular hole cut in the middle of their mouth.)
LEN CELLA
(brightly) Hi, is Ken, Ben, and Len!
(Cut to Len Cella, against a blue wall, smoking a cigar.)
LEN CELLA
Whaddaya wanna be, a hat rack?
(Cut to the triplets. The one in the middle looks sad. They turn around
and exit. We see that the backs of the cardboard heads have hair drawn
on them, with the peculiar hole spectacularly visible in the back.)
NEATEST MAN IN THE WORLD
(We see Len's hands arranging pieces of cooked spaghetti in parallel
lines on his plate.)
THE GAY ATHLETE
(Len is drying his hair with a towel in front of a blank green wall.)
LEN CELLA
We useta pat each other on the can after every good play.
Now we pat each other even on the bad plays!
GETTING BACK AT ANSWERING MACHINES
(Len Cella, in front of the blue wall with a window, is holding a phone
to his ear.)
LEN CELLA (voice-over, speaking into a can)
I'm sorry, I'm not in, leave your name and number
and I'll return your call.
(He holds up his tape recorder and presses the "play" button -- which
for some reason goes "bonk".)
LEN CELLA (voice-over, on tape)
I'm sorry, but I don't talk to machines.
SUPERMAN AT THE PSYCHIATRIST
(Len Cella is lying on his back wearing a blue undershirt.)
LEN CELLA
I think I'm over the hill, Doc. The kids used to think
I'm a hero now they shake this finger at me. (Taps
his middle finger with his other hand)
HOW TO STOP A MUGGER
(Len Cella, wearing a hat, sneaks around the corner of his house. Cut
to Len Cella, wearing a ridiculously ill-fitting wig, who sees him and
holds up a cutout of a big-nosed cartoon face in front of his own. Cut
to the mugger rolling on the ground laughing.)
BAD TRANSPLANT
(Len Cella is against a solid white or green wall, wearing a cardboard
cutout of an elephant trunk.)
LEN CELLA
They didn't have any noses left so they
gave me an elephant's trunk.
WORLD'S WORST GUN
(Extreme close-up of Len's hands against black. He uses a rubber band
to launch a bullet.)
SESAME STREET
(Len is wearing a pork-pie hat and two large cardboard ears. He is
holding a sign saying "UGLY" over his mouth.)
LEN CELLA
The word for today is "ugly". Ugly is when your
ears stick out further than the brim of your hat.
SENTIMENTAL VALUE
(We see a crooked, sloppily-built chair made out of brown and tan
cardboard held together with small bits of tape.)
LEN CELLA (voice-over)
I don't care if your father made it, it's gotta go!
(He reaches into frame and pulls off the top piece of the chair, and the
chair disintegrates silently.)
THE PATENT OFFICE
(Extreme close-up of Len.)
LEN CELLA
It's very nice, but what does it do?
(Cut to Len Cella, against a solid brown wall, holding the previously
seen zigzag pipe in front of his face.)
LEN CELLA
Do?
(He looks sad and exits.)
INSTEAD OF PICTURE HANGERS
(Len is holding a photo against a blank blue wall. He props up a board
against the front of the photo and exits.)
ANOTHER BAD INVENTION
(Len holds up a stick with a cardboard cutout of a spider attached to it.)
LEN CELLA
A spider swatter.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A library question
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 02:41:24 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > HOW TO SAVE PAPER
> >
> > (A shaky hand-held camera shows up a roll of toilet paper with "HERS"
> > written on the first sheet and "HIS" written on the second sheet. Mr.
> > Cella's bathroom appears to have lavender or blue walls, and white or
> > green trim.)
>
> Now this *might* be funny if it showed two rolls hanging side by side, with
> "HIS" above the one where the paper wraps over the top, and "HERS" above the
> one where the paper wraps under the bottom.
Hey, I didn't write that, you weenie! Len Cella wrote it!
STOP TRYING TO GIVE ME CREDIT FOR LEN CELLA'S WORKS OF GENIUS!!!
Besides, it would be funnier if there was just one roll of one-ply tissue
and each sheet said "HIS" on the front and "HERS" on the back.
> Somebody please draw this cartoon for me. In ASCII.
> Purple ASCII with white or green trim. Thanks.
Also in the background there should be a spire ten thousand feet tall
made out of transparent gold, and all the college students in the world
should be burying their professors up to their necks in fire ants while
playing volleyball, and eating handfuls of radioactive plutonium because
in the future people will be powered by radioactive plutonium. I have
until I die to patent this idea, and all others. ATOM. WITH GREEN TRIM.
-- K.
Has anyone else noticed that
Archie hasn't surfaced in five days?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A library question
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:56:17 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Has anyone else noticed that Archie hasn't surfaced in five days?
>
> No, we don't obsessively stalk Archimedes Plutonium like you do.
Hey! I haven't done that in five whole days!
Besides, he just resurfaced. Claims to have been on a business trip.
I suspect there was a dishwashing emergency in another state.
-- K.
He says he'll post some important
new research "in Aug or Sept."
so I take it he's not planning
to wander away from Dartmouth
any time soon. Unless there's
another dishwashing emergency.
PEOPLE, DIRTY UP SOME DISHES NOW!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A library question
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 03:16:25 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > ASK DON SAKLAD!!!!
>
> Hey! I wrote that 20 hours later! But not in CAPS.
Yeah, well, UNNECESSARY EMPHASIS TRUMPS LATENES!!!!
> > THE LEN CELLA EXPERIENCE!
>
> I'll see your LEN CELLA and raise you a POPS MORETTI.
>
> (Al Green * Wesley Willis) + more brain damage = POPS MORETTI
(Tom Green * Al Karprielian) modulo Marty Angstrom = Lloyd Lindsay Young.
I WIN!!!!!!!!!
-- K.
Don't get me started on the
cross product of Darth Vader
and F. Scott Fitzgerald.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Conversation with a spider
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 03:29:14 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> When I lived in a basement in the middle of Cambridge, my front door was a
> sliding back door half a flight of steps down from ground level. Assorted
> urban wildlife frolicked in the well around this door, including opossums,
which are the Irish kind of possums,
> raccoons and skunks. On occasion a large spider would build a web about
> four feet across that made it impossible to get down the stairs without
> touching it. I would be sad when this happened, because I don't like to
> destroy a really well-made spiderweb, and these were usually impressive.
> But it was kind of cool to break one or two of the anchoring strands and
> watch the whole thing crumple into a wad of slack silk, with a furious
> spider scurrying around on it.
And then this scorpion that went "DOODLE-DOODLE-DOODLE-DOODLE" flew
threw the sky and a whole row of mushrooms turned purple and Kitt's
ultraphonic analyzer detected that thing that was either a network
of tunnels or a formaldehyde molecule, depending on the episode.
> I stayed away from the skunks and raccoons, though.
>
> Inside the apartment I got fast-moving black beetles about three inches
> long, and crawly crawly centipedes,
That was when your only computer was an Atari, right?
> and a couple of strange incursions of cute little frogs,
IT'S THE WACKY RAPTURE! PREPARE FOR THE SERIOUS OF STRANGE INCURSIONS
OF CUTE LITTLE CRITTERS!
> and one truly horrifying infestation of mosquitoes.
> But I was roach-free, dammit, and I was proud of that.
Yeah, but NOW you've got cats. Wouldn't roaches have been cleaner?
-- K.
Cats eat roaches, but roaches eat
crumbs off the floor. So cats
PREVENT your apartment from being
cleaned by the humblest critters
which God in his infinite wisdom
put upon the Earth to annoy the
late H. G. Wells. <-- Matt can
explain that, unless he's too busy
trying to clean up the sand
dunes in front of the litterbox.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Conversation with a spider
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 03:12:28 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
PeterW (markedfordeletion@my-deja.com) wrote:
>
> David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
> >
> > Nick Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote:
> > >
> > > I wish a.r.k had command line switches.
> >
> > Yours doesn't?
> >
> > > man ark
> >
> > INETD(8) HAPPYNET System Manager's Manual INETD(8)
>
> There needs to be a brilliancy prize for posts like this one.
There is, and I recall he won one last year. I could go check 'cause
all the prizes are still sitting here 'cause I can't bear to part with 'em.
(HEY, MAELSTROM, I STILL HAVE THOSE PONY-GIRL MAGAZINES YOU WANTED...)
Sometime I need to ask you folks to send me your current address, but I'm
too tired to ask right now.
David's best article won him the coveted OTHERWISE UNCLASSIFIABLE SURREALITY
AND/OR COMMENTARY ON REAL LIFE prize. He also got more articles into the
final running than anyone else. However, after a close inspection of his
article revealed that the timestamp said "Mon, 31 Aug 1998 12:58:08 GMT",
he was disqualified for posting his article two minutes before the
contest began. Now I need to mail him his prize so I can make him return it.
The grand prize winner was Pope Emperor Frogman, and the special BQQBY PRIZE
was awarded to someone named "3sek4252@mydejanews.com".
As far as selecting the month during which articles will be eligible for
the Kibo Brilliancy Prize for 1999, I haven't decided, but I think it
might be August because that way we could have dramatic readings of
said articles, in funny voices, at the September 1999 alt.religion.kibology
Party-Like Event And Imaginary Cream Pie Fight.
-- K.
We need to figure out another
loophole to keep me from having
to award David another prize.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Star Wars' Darth Maul charges for autograph: press
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 03:48:47 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In article (Qbritain-starwars-peopleURj73_9lN.X@clari.net), AFP (C-afp@clari.net) wrote:
>
> Subject: Star Wars' Darth Maul charges for autograph: press
I'm pressing and double-clicking and holding down the foot pedal but
nothing's happening.
Besides, a more Pulitzer-worthy headline would have been
Subject: Teletubbies' Darth Maul charges for autograph
> LONDON, July 23 (AFP) - As the new Star Wars film rakes in the
> millions at the box-office, the actor playing baddie Darth Maul is
> making a personal mint by charging for autographs, Britain's Sun
> tabloid said Friday.
And here I thought an Altoid was a personal mint.
> Actor Ray Park asked children 15 pounds (23 dollars) per
> autograph on a recent promotional tour for the film, "Episode One:
> The Phantom Menace", The Sun reported.
Wait, I'm confused. "The Phantom Menace" is the sub-title, and
"Episode One" is the title? Does that mean that the sequel is going
to be "Episode One: Part II"? Whatever happened to the good old
days when "Star Wars" movies were called "Star Wars" and didn't have
sub-sub-titles? And why didn't "seaQuest DSV" ever have super-sub titles?
> Glasgow-born Park, 24, landed his first acting job in the role
> of arch-baddie Darth Maul after previously working as a stuntman,
> the paper said.
> According to the paper, the actor has netted at least 15,000
> pounds with the alleged scam.
YOU SEE IT'S A SCAM BECAUSE HE'S NOT REALLY DARTH MAUL HE JUST PLAYED HIM
IN A MOVIE!!!
ALSO IT'S A RIP-OFF BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WEAR HIS MAKEUP ALL DAY EVERY DAY
IN CASE HIS FANS SEE HIM! HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE FAN COMMUNITY!
HE OWES US A LIFE IN MAKEUP!!!
-- K.
ALSO GARY COLEMAN MAKES
YOU PAY HIM TO NOT GIVE
YOU AN AUTOGRAPH!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Star Wars' Darth Maul charges for autograph: press
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999 05:41:46 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Beable "van" Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > AFP (C-afp@clari.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > Subject: Star Wars' Darth Maul charges for autograph: press
> >
> > A more Pulitzer-worthy headline would have been
> >
> > Subject: Teletubbies' Darth Maul charges for autograph
>
> Which Telletubby is he? The big pink poofy one I bet.
EWOKS... TELETUBBIES... THINK ABOUT IT... WON'T YOU?
Not to change the segue, I mean subject, but...
EWOKS SIGHTED AT THE PORT BOW!
CAPTAIN BRIDGER, FIRE NEW IMPROVED KONTEXT-AWAY WITH SCRUBBING BEABLES!
VUH-WOOSH!
> [...]
>
> warning: seaQuest may cause fanfic.
>
> [...]
WHIZ! KONTEXT-AWAY FOLDS ITSELF UP INTO A PAPER AIRPLANE MADE OF ENERGY
AND FLIES OUT THE WINDOW, LEAVING NOTHING BUT THE MEME!
Mr. Polasm, I dare you to name one TV show that DOESN'T cause fanfic
in nerdy laboratory mice.
(I admit it, I've written "TV Nation" fanfic, "Lancelot Link: Secret Chimp"
fanfic, "Car 54: Where Are You?: The Movie" fanfic, and most shameful of all,
I WROTE TEN ENTIRE SEASONS OF "HAPPY DAYS" AFTER I HEARD IT WAS CANCELLED!
LAST WEEK!)
Anyhow, a more appropriate warning label for NBC's "seaQuest DSV"
would have been:
WARNING: "seaQuest DSV" fanfic may exceed quality of actual show.
It's just that bad. This warning makes us lawsuit-proof.
Sincerely, Steven Spielberg's spin paramedics.
-- K.
(FONZIE GETS A CALL FROM
RICHIE ON HIS CELLULAR PHONE.)
"Jeepers, Fonzie, should I get
a toupee? Or should I wait
until after my fiftieth birthday
next Wednesday?"
"Eh... sit on et cetera. Yawn.
Where's my fucking Metamucil?"
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Bid to spare royal family from burger odours: press
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 04:07:21 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In article (Qbritain-royal-burgersURafw_9lN@clari.net), l'AFP wrote:
>
> Subject: Bid to spare royal family from burger odours: press
I'd like a Double Deluxe Odour Burger, Ronald.
> LONDON, July 23 (AFP) - The British parliament is to be asked
> Friday to shield the royal family's nostrils from odours of frying
> burgers and onions wafting from street vendors near Buckingham
> Palace, The Times reported.
Yeah, the Queen Mum only likes fried dough and tacos. She makes a hell
of a mess when she eats a taco.
> After consultation with wrinkled-nosed palace officials, a
> member of parliament is tabling a draft law to firm up penalties for
> fast-food traders in the Royal Parks in London, said the paper.
The burgermeisters should complain at they have to smell the watercress
sandwiches and truffle patˇ wafting out of the big spooky palace.
> But to the frustration of the royal family, the attempt may
> scuppered by the opposition Conservatives, in protest at the way
> draft laws are crammed through the legislative session.
"may scuppered by" my favorite British expression that no verb.
And, hey, speaking of hamburgers and mystery meats...
*** COUNTDOWN COMMENCING AT S MINUS TEN ***
*** SEGUE IN TEN ***
*** SEGUE IN NINE ***
*** SEGUE IN EIGHT ***
*** SEGUE IN SEVEN ***
*** SEGUE IN SIX ***
*** ALL INDICATORS GREEN, WE ARE GO FOR TRANS-ROYAL-BURGER ORBITAL SEGUE ***
*** SEGUE IN THREE ***
*** WE HAVE CLEARED THE PALACE, LOOKING GOOD FOR MYSTERY MEAT RENDEZVOUS ***
*** SEGUE IN ONE ***
And, hey, speaking of hamburgers and mystery meats... today I was at
my favorite Korean grocery store.
*** WE HAVE SEGUE ***
Korean grocery store. Slightly different from the Japanese and Chinese
and Vietnamese grocery stores in that they have over 45,000 kinds of
kim chee and one of their freezer cases isn't even plugged in because
it's filled with sale items. Most of which are dried noodles.
Anyway, I bought a bunch of my old favorites there (they have a wide
selection of Japanese curry mixes at lower prices than the Japanese markets)
and found a couple of interesting new items WHICH ARE RELATED TO THE
SEGUE AT HAND.
#1:
A box of hamburger curry. "ROYAL HAMBURG CURRY" said the box,
showing a picture of some yellow curry sauce (with the usual carrots and
potatoes) on a plate, partly covering a hamburger patty and some rice.
There was no English on the package (some importer forgot to stick on
an incorrect list of ingredients in English) so this was a puzzler,
especially keeping in mind that the "serving suggestion" photos on
Asian food are usually even more ridiculously elaborate than American ones.
Would the box contain a foil packet with curry sauce with vegetables?
(Such are not uncommon -- and I like 'em.) Would the box contain powered
soy protein to be mixed with ground beef to make extended patties?
(In Japan such is sold as "Hamburger Helper", no relation to actual
Hamburger Helper which consists of noodles.) Or would the box contain
something more bizarre?
One thing's for sure, I wasn't expecting the picture to be accurate.
I bought one and took it home and opened it. Inside was a foil pouch,
which I ripped open. Some chunky yellow curry sauce came out... followed
by a hamburger patty.
Yes, a perfectly good precooked unrefrigerated hamburger, with chunky
potato-carrot curry sauce.
It wasn't bad, although the quality of the meat was pretty lame, akin
to Canadian canned meatballs -- the meat was simultaneously squishy and
fluffy, like in the insides of very, very, very cheap Vienna sausages:
like pink sponge rubber. The curry sauce was very good, although it
was way too mild.
But, anyway, now I can say I've had a hamburger that came in a packet.
#2:
In the canned-meat aisle, a can caught my eye:
BEEF DOGANI
I know I'm going to get complaints about this, but if *I* were importing
grocery items from Korea, I would not use the word "DOG" on the can,
and I would definitely not use the plural of "ANUS".
Anyway, I have a can of beef and dog ani, but I haven't opened it yet.
What year should I do that?
-- K.
I think the beef dogani soup
is actually made from cow kneecaps,
according to the label. But what
do they do with the cow's elbows?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Notes on the vitality of my plants.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Fri, 23 Jul 1999 04:23:23 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
My okra aren't doing well. The tiny pods they were getting shrank and
disappeared. I think the leaves are getting smaller, too.
My bitter gourd vines are enormous and have taken over most of the room.
One of the flower buds has just opened into a small yellow flower that
looks like a buttercup. I think if I untangled the two vines each would
be around twenty feet long, not counting all the extra branches and tendrils.
(There's enough biomass in the things that the stakes holding 'em up are
bending. There are tendrils everywhere... every day I have to pull them
out of my laser printer before they go inside. No, I can't move the plants
or the laser printer. Not without pruning all the tendrils that climbed
up the power cord while I was away for three days, and the laser printer's
power cord is where the vine's producing flowers.)
The cucumber plants are pretty small but already getting little gold flowers.
The zucchini is just going nuts! They seem to do quite well in pots.
(It's not a vine and there's nothing danging, the fruits stick up from it.)
It gets very big orange flowers. Unfortunately, some flowers are male,
and some are female, and they open at different times, and I've only got
one plant so I don't think I'm going to get any properly-pollinated fruit.
Eggplant leaves are big.
The bleeding heart just won't bloom.
The Fruit Loops-colored chard are small but you can tell that some are
red and sore orange and some are yellow.
The two Mystery Plants are getting quite big. One of them's four feet tall --
the one with the leaves that go up and down twice a day. The other one gets
these leaves where the new leaves grow stuck to the front of existing leaves
and I keep peeling them apart.
Oh, and I think my fennel seeds were really just dill seeds in disguise.
The plants look identical and the "fennel" aren't making any bulbs.
-- K.
Haven't planted the passionfruit
or lobster claw yet.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Notes on the vitality of my plants.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 02:52:36 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > My okra aren't doing well. The tiny pods they were getting shrank and
> > disappeared. I think the leaves are getting smaller, too.
>
> Kibo, watch out! Your okra are going BACKWARDS IN TIME!!!!11!
No, they aren't. They're going forwards. YOU'RE going backwards!
-- K.
Author of the soon-to-be-erased bestseller
"How I Invented My Own Swabble From Common
Household Objects" and discoverer of the
Kibart Phase.
##
m ## s
VER c 7734 u BUM
e ## n
##
.esahP trabiK
eht fo rerevocsid dna "stcejbO dlohesuoH
nommoC morF elbbawS nwO yM detnevnI I woH"
rellestseb desare-eb-ot-noos eht fo rohtuA
.K --
!sdrawkcab gniog ER'UOY .sdrawrof gniog er'yehT .t'nera yeht ,oN
!11!!!!EMIT NI SDRAWKCAB gniog era arko ruoY !tuo hctaw ,obiK <
<
.oot ,rellams gnitteg era sevael eht kniht I .deraeppasid < <
dna knarhs gnitteg erew yeht sdop ynit ehT .llew gniod t'nera arko yM < <
< <
:etorw )moc.dts.dlrow@obik( yrraP "obiK" semaJ <
<
:etorw )ten.dnuos@silliwt( silliW irreT
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: "The Bible is not a Science Text Bood!"
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 03:25:35 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In sci.philosophy.meta, Tim Schneider (vantil@interx.net) wrote:
>
> Subject: "The Bible is not a Science Text Bood!"
THAT'D BE IN THE BOOD, BUCK!!! THEY USETA CALL THIS ONE DA BOOD!!!
BOODY-BOODY-BOODY-BOODY-BOODY-BOODY!!!
-- K.
If only someone in the science
newsgroups would say "beable" again...
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Vegetarian congress hit by food poisoning
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 03:32:02 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Everyone's favorite wacky French news service just informed me:
>
> Subject: Vegetarian congress hit by food poisoning
Have you ever been HIT by FOOD POISONING? (splat!)
> WIDNAU, Switzerland, July 23 (AFP) - Vegetarians attending a
> congress in southeastern Switzerland went down with food poisoning
> after eating raw beans, local police said.
> At least 23 people at the seventh European vegetarians' congress
> at Widnau were taken to hospital suffering from vomiting and
> diarrhoea after the lunch break.
Meanwhile, at the International Diarrhea Convention, tragedy struck when
nobody became ill!
> Some 220 people from 30 countries are taking part in the
> week-long congress which began Monday.
Yes, but I want to know about that TV commercial for artificial soy-based
chicken nuggets where the housewife says to the sports fans, "HEY GUYS,
DO YOU KNOW THOSE BUFFALO WINGS ARE MEAT-FREE?" and none of them notices!
BECAUSE SPORTS FANS ARE TOO STUPID TO REALIZE THAT CHICKEN WINGS ARE
SUPPOSED TO HAVE BONES AND SKIN!!!!
Also, you can't see a food product if it's "vegetarian", you have to
call it "meat-free".
-- K.
I'm better than you because
I don't eat meat OR vegetables,
only candy!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Today's Important Proclamation.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1999 03:37:11 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Okay, Archimedes Plutonium is clearly Potsie, because he was employed as
a "potwasher", and I am _obviously_ Fonzie. So which of you is Chachi?
Who's Ralph Malph? And which two of you will volunteer to be the two
versions of Chuck Cunningham before he was erased from history forever?
-- K.
WHEN I SNAP MY FINGERS, I WANT
PINKY TUSCADERO, LEATHER TUSCADERO,
AND WHIPPED CREAM TUSCADERO!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Today's Important Proclamation.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 04:20:30 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Okay, Archimedes Plutonium is clearly Potsie, because he was employed as
> > a "potwasher", and I am _obviously_ Fonzie. So which of you is Chachi?
> > Who's Ralph Malph? And which two of you will volunteer to be the two
> > versions of Chuck Cunningham before he was erased from history forever?
>
> *Sigh* when I was in seventh grade, people called me Ralph Malph
> because they said I kind of looked like him. Then they started
> calling me Jabba the Hutt because The Empire Strikes Back came in the
> theatres, and they thought it would be funnier. Then we made a girl,
> Jeanine, cry because we chucked spitballs at her every day. Then the
> kid who called me Jabba, Scott, got expelled because he went up to
> this girl and pulled down her tank top in front of the whole
> cafeteria.
>
> I think he's in prison now. He looked more like Ralph Malph than me.
Lesson: Look less like Ralph Malph so you won't go to prison.
Also, on today's episode of "Jabberwocky" ("Jabberwocky on Speed"),
Dirty Frank wanted everything to go faster, so Tucker showed him a
wacky Jabberwocky production, a modernized version of Aesop's
"The Tortoise and the Hare" called "The Turtle and the Rabbit", in which
the turtle went really slow, and the rabbit ran all the way to the
finish line, and didn't stop for anything, but the turtle stopped for
a while and chatted with this beautiful princess, and the rabbit won,
but the turtle married the princess and lived happily ever after and
the rabbit wondered what he won, and children everywhere just learned
that IT'S ALWAYS BAD TO WIN!!!
P.S. Pinky Tuscadero's going to jail right this minute. Maybe they'll
put her in the same cell with your friend who might be Ralph Malph
if you squint really hard and you're Pinky Tuscadero.
-- K.
So how come Oscar Mayer
doesn't sell Dirty Franks?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Confidential.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 02:56:47 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Confidential to Samantha Wilkinson: I think I left my shirt in the
back of your car tonight. Don't worry about it, but if you sell squares
of it to tourists I want at least 50%.
-- K.
If not double that.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Important News Flash! --> Re: JFK's Dog Said To Be in Mass.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:02:44 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Associated Press just associated:
>
> Subject: JFK's Dog Said To Be in Mass.
Mass Said To Be In Latin.
> [...]
> The Daily News first reported on Thursday that the dog was alive
> and living in Massachusetts with the couple's relatives.
Alive AND living? I doubt that. Unless it's one of those new Double Dogs
that lives two lives at the same time! He's 14 times as old as a human being!
(Except for Bob Hope.)
> It was not immediately known if the Kennedys' cat was also in
> Massachusetts.
The cat's lawyer is expected to make a statement to the press.
-- K.
And the cat's lawyer is...
A DIFFERENT CAT!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Short Shameful Confession.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:35:50 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Today when I was talking about Michael Moore's latest TV show I accidentally
called him "Roger Moore".
-- K.
That would be a show where a
toupee makes fun of General Motors.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: V2g
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 04:00:12 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote,
and I am quoting in full:
>
> Saturday Voyage to Gravolti. (-24) ?-6,-12,-18,-24,-40
> it would appear i'm disoriented in fog or mist
> ___Line 3 7:00 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System
I think you'd be disoriented even if I took one of those signs from the
mall, the ones that say "--> X <-- YOU ARE HERE!", and laid it on the
ground, and stood you right on top of the big "X", and handed you a sign
which said "I AM HERE!"
-- K.
Also I like Chef Boyardee's
new Overstuffed Gravolti.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Can U Top This? (was: Conversation with a spider)
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 04:15:06 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Waah! I've only caused death and destruction vicariously! When will I
> ever experience a murderous rampage first hand?! It's not fair.
You should go to The Government and start shooting until they tell you
that you can go on a murderous rampage.
If that doesn't work, just try wandering into an AOL chat room and invite
everyone there to come to your house for a Quake party, where they dress
as their favorite character from Quake, and gun 'em all down.
OF COURSE VIOLENCE IS WRONG! SO AFTER YOU DO IT BE SURE TO APOLOGIZE!
-- K.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MESSAGE!
CAN I KILL YOU NOW?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Now THAT'S great programming!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 05:30:07 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I just made the mistake of trying out the public beta release of version
6.0 of a respected anti-virus program.
As expected, it wanted to de-install my copy of the old version.
It moved the folder containing version 4.5 to the Trash.
It moved the preferences and data files from version 4.5 to the Trash.
And then it moved my entire System Folder to the Trash.
Thankfully the careless program wasn't smart enough to FLUSH the Trash can,
so I was able to recover after a few minutes of wondering why my computer
had become inoperable. Hopefully it hasn't done anything destructive other
than trying to delete all my files.
Is there a handy term for the beta release of a utility which accidentally
possesses great destructive powers? Or those of us who are brave/stupid
enough to attempt to run such programs?
And should I file a bug report, or should I just burn down their corporate
headquarters?
-- K.
It would be okay to
burn down their building
because they could
just undelete it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,talk.philosophy.misc,sci.optics.fiber,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: 24JUL99 Thank-You Microsoft, movie "Transition Period" Reincarnation Experiental
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 05:52:20 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In talk.religion.misc, talk.philosophy.misc, and sci.optics.fiber,
Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> I have had a sentimental feeling for Microsoft-Hotmail-Bill.Gates for
> some time now but have not posted it until now.
I'm sorry, Arch, but that crazy "Rose" woman already insists she's
secretly married to Bill Gates, who is stealing throughts from her
brain from thousands of miles away.
Hmm, you should sue that nut for impersonating you.
(Rose is an obscure old-time Internet kook. Sorry, I can't find any
Web pages about her these days. Whatever became of the kooks of yore?)
> And although I have mostly talked against Microsoft in its monopoly court
> battles, I wish to express some positive sentiments and thanks for Microsoft.
THANK YOU, MICROSOFT, FOR NOT MAKING YOUR PRODUCTS TALK ENDLESSLY
ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE MARZIPAN!
> It is the fact that Microsoft owns Hotmail.com which has a free
> access email account. Since I am departing Dartmouth,
"Where do you want Archie to go today?"
> and my living style is not conducive towards telephone etc etc,
Oh, come on, you don't sound THAT ugly.
> this Hotmail.com account is an important window unto the world
> and the science and physics I need to broadcast. Already, this account of
>
> arc_plutonium@hotmail.com
>
> is proving to be important. So I thank Microsoft-Hotmail-Bill.Gates for
> providing this account.
Oh, I get it. You put a DOT in his name because he's into COMPUTERS!
That's what makes it FUNNY DOT FUNNY DOT COM!!!!
> Perhaps, for consideration, in that Microsoft is so rich and well endowed,
(the exact opposite of Archie in both areas)
> that to show goodwill towards all of humanity, that Microsoft can afford
> to give to the general public free email accounts as a sign of GoodWill
> and as a political benevolence.
Yeah, and to get an E-mail account, they don't even make you take a
$7-and-hour job washing dishes.
> That how can Microsoft-Bill.Gates be all that bad, when they give for
> free accounts to important people such as the King of
> Physics-and-all-of-the-sciences.
But why did he give YOU one?
> Surely, Microsoft cannot be as bad as the Justice Dept makes out,
> considering the mitigating factors of the GoodWill and Benevolence
> offered to the world and the King of Physics with a free email account.
> I no longer need to write "no phone" on documents but will write my
> email address.
And where it says "IQ" you can write your shoe size!
(Although I'm not sure how anyone could tell.)
> So, thanks to Bill, the world will continue to be blessed with an
> open conduit window of the thoughts, theories, ideas and work from the
> King of Science
Oh, yeah, another reason to love Bill Gates.
-- K.
As if we didn't already
love him for his charisma.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Hi There!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 05:55:22 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Edward A Lowther (eal34@sawasdee.cc.columbia.edu) wrote:
>
> I was surfing around this great internet of ours,
I'd just like to snip away 99% of your article so that I can point out
that the first time I read that phrase, it said you were "surfing around
this great Internet of odors."
-- K.
With new SmellScape Inhaler 5.1!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: WARNING! RESTRICTED STOMACH LINING AHEAD!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 20:34:14 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> I've been searching through my medical encyclopedias to try and predict
> the next fad in dietary restrictions. In recent years we have seen the
> rich, hip and happening all go through their lactose-intolerant periods,
> and now the fashionable are all yapping about their nut allergies.
I think the next big thing must be an allargy to things that DON'T
contain peanuts. So all food will be required to be available in
both peanut-laced and peanut-free versions, produced in separate
hemispheres. WARNING: WESTERN HEMISPHERE MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS.
ESPECIALLY AROUND CALIFORNIA.
Failing that, exploting cheezophobia could make you rich.
-- K.
I am currently refusing to eat
anything that's not covered
with hot pepper.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: WARNING! RESTRICTED STOMACH LINING AHEAD!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999 05:25:58 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"Poot Rootbeer" (mbp8@cornell.edu) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Failing that, exploting cheezophobia could make you rich.
>
> I wish *I* had exploding cheezophobia.
Well, now you can! Exploding Cheezophobia is available in cans,
from the makers of Poutine Sauce That Rips Your Face Off and
Habanero-Flavored Room Foggers!
-- K.
Kibo never makes
an uninteresting typo.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: WARNING! RESTRICTED STOMACH LINING AHEAD!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999 06:16:41 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> It's a meme, and all memes are funny.
Correction: All memes are funny EXCEPT THIS ONE!
But I guess that means yours is funny 'cause I didn't say it.
Waah!
> [...]
>
> Last night -- and this is entirely the fault of "The Powerpuff Girls"
> episode with a very scary Satan-esque character, wearing thigh-high
> leather high heeled boots and lots of lace -- I had some dream about Satan
> where I apparently promised to sleep with him if he'd do something or
> other. AND NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO! So
> this is a bit distressing, since I'm thinking that I might have sold my
> soul when I really didn't intend to, and maybe because I asked for
> something stupid like a hot fudge sundae.
Maybe you just asked him to sleep with you.
-- K.
And then you wished for
a million wishes and then
you shouted "I WISH THAT
NONE OF MY WISHES ARE
GRANTED EXCEPT THIS ONE"
a million times.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: The Selfish Meme
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons
Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 20:40:14 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> I would like to introduce the word "memeplex" to ARK. Discuss.
Waah! Your stupid memeplex doesn't put enough artificial butter on
the artificial popcorn! And the artificial popcorn tastes like styrofoam!
And you were mean in calling the cops just because I snuck in after
my mom drove me all the way to the back of the theater! And Sensurround
causes permanent memetic damage! And before the feature meme there was a
trailer for a meme I'd already seen! I WANT YOU TO REFUND THE PART OF
MY MONEY THAT WENT TOWARDS BUYING THOSE EXPENSIVE TRAILERS!!!
Also, when you showed "The Avengers", the middle third of every action
scene was missing. PLEASE SHOW ME "THE AVENGERS" AGAIN AND I HOPE IT
DOESN'T SUCK THIS TIME!!!
-- K.
Still, the screens are bigger
than at the googolplex.