Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Confidential. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 02:56:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Confidential to Samantha Wilkinson: I think I left my shirt in the back of your car tonight. Don't worry about it, but if you sell squares of it to tourists I want at least 50%. -- K. If not double that. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Confidential. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:01:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Samantha Wilkinson (sammie@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Confidential to Samantha Wilkinson: I think I left my shirt in the > > back of your car tonight. Don't worry about it, but if you sell squares > > of it to tourists I want at least 50%. > > So, yesterday I notice our little cat, Niobe, plop herself down on the > laundry pile and start wriggling around. I think she wants to be petted, > so I stoop down only to realize that she is enthusiastically rubbing her > entire body against something in a manner which under normal > circumstances involves large amounts of catnip. So, what is this object > that elicits such an estatic response in our cat? You guessed it, Kibo's > shirt. > > I started to think that maybe Essence of Kibo was a highly powerful cat > attractor, but our other cat seemed uninterested in his shirt. So either > our little cat is hopelessly weird (which fits with the rest of the > evidence to date) or she really, really, really likes Kibo. This is an "inclusive or", right? > P.S. The circumstances under which I obtained Kibo's shirt are far less > interesting than what the reader is thinking. Oh, like I'd sleep with you if you were HALF as leggy as my current wife, television's Drusilla-tastic Juliet Landau. -- K. Also I need to buy more of that catnip-flavored Old Spice antiperspirant. Of course, there's one flavor that cats like more than that: Old Mice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Important News Flash! --> Re: JFK's Dog Said To Be in Mass. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:02:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Associated Press just associated: > > Subject: JFK's Dog Said To Be in Mass. Mass Said To Be In Latin. > [...] > The Daily News first reported on Thursday that the dog was alive > and living in Massachusetts with the couple's relatives. Alive AND living? I doubt that. Unless it's one of those new Double Dogs that lives two lives at the same time! He's 14 times as old as a human being! (Except for Bob Hope.) > It was not immediately known if the Kennedys' cat was also in > Massachusetts. The cat's lawyer is expected to make a statement to the press. -- K. And the cat's lawyer is... A DIFFERENT CAT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Short Shameful Confession. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:35:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Today when I was talking about Michael Moore's latest TV show I accidentally called him "Roger Moore". -- K. That would be a show where a toupee makes fun of General Motors. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fun Fact Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:48:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Fun fact #3 about Apple's portable computers: On Apple's new iBook, both "shift" keys are "left shift", unless you hold down "fn", in which case they're both "right shift". This is gonna make it hard to play pinball. Fun fact #4: The security system to keep you from removing memory cards from someone else's iBook consists of the fact that you're not supposed to know that you can unscrew the "num lock" light, which unlocks the whole keyboard so you can look under it. Fun fact #5: I HEAR THAT AT LEAST ONE APPLE EMPLOYEE ONCE SMOKED POT! WOO-HOO!!!! -- K. And then he got fired for not sharing it with Steve Jobs! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A library question Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 03:56:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Has anyone else noticed that Archie hasn't surfaced in five days? > > No, we don't obsessively stalk Archimedes Plutonium like you do. Hey! I haven't done that in five whole days! Besides, he just resurfaced. Claims to have been on a business trip. I suspect there was a dishwashing emergency in another state. -- K. He says he'll post some important new research "in Aug or Sept." so I take it he's not planning to wander away from Dartmouth any time soon. Unless there's another dishwashing emergency. PEOPLE, DIRTY UP SOME DISHES NOW! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: V2g Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 04:00:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote, and I am quoting in full: > > Saturday Voyage to Gravolti. (-24) ?-6,-12,-18,-24,-40 > it would appear i'm disoriented in fog or mist > ___Line 3 7:00 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System I think you'd be disoriented even if I took one of those signs from the mall, the ones that say "--> X <-- YOU ARE HERE!", and laid it on the ground, and stood you right on top of the big "X", and handed you a sign which said "I AM HERE!" -- K. Also I like Chef Boyardee's new Overstuffed Gravolti. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Can U Top This? (was: Conversation with a spider) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 04:15:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Waah! I've only caused death and destruction vicariously! When will I > ever experience a murderous rampage first hand?! It's not fair. You should go to The Government and start shooting until they tell you that you can go on a murderous rampage. If that doesn't work, just try wandering into an AOL chat room and invite everyone there to come to your house for a Quake party, where they dress as their favorite character from Quake, and gun 'em all down. OF COURSE VIOLENCE IS WRONG! SO AFTER YOU DO IT BE SURE TO APOLOGIZE! -- K. I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS MESSAGE! CAN I KILL YOU NOW? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's Important Proclamation. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 04:20:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okay, Archimedes Plutonium is clearly Potsie, because he was employed as > > a "potwasher", and I am _obviously_ Fonzie. So which of you is Chachi? > > Who's Ralph Malph? And which two of you will volunteer to be the two > > versions of Chuck Cunningham before he was erased from history forever? > > *Sigh* when I was in seventh grade, people called me Ralph Malph > because they said I kind of looked like him. Then they started > calling me Jabba the Hutt because The Empire Strikes Back came in the > theatres, and they thought it would be funnier. Then we made a girl, > Jeanine, cry because we chucked spitballs at her every day. Then the > kid who called me Jabba, Scott, got expelled because he went up to > this girl and pulled down her tank top in front of the whole > cafeteria. > > I think he's in prison now. He looked more like Ralph Malph than me. Lesson: Look less like Ralph Malph so you won't go to prison. Also, on today's episode of "Jabberwocky" ("Jabberwocky on Speed"), Dirty Frank wanted everything to go faster, so Tucker showed him a wacky Jabberwocky production, a modernized version of Aesop's "The Tortoise and the Hare" called "The Turtle and the Rabbit", in which the turtle went really slow, and the rabbit ran all the way to the finish line, and didn't stop for anything, but the turtle stopped for a while and chatted with this beautiful princess, and the rabbit won, but the turtle married the princess and lived happily ever after and the rabbit wondered what he won, and children everywhere just learned that IT'S ALWAYS BAD TO WIN!!! P.S. Pinky Tuscadero's going to jail right this minute. Maybe they'll put her in the same cell with your friend who might be Ralph Malph if you squint really hard and you're Pinky Tuscadero. -- K. So how come Oscar Mayer doesn't sell Dirty Franks? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Now THAT'S great programming! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 05:30:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I just made the mistake of trying out the public beta release of version 6.0 of a respected anti-virus program. As expected, it wanted to de-install my copy of the old version. It moved the folder containing version 4.5 to the Trash. It moved the preferences and data files from version 4.5 to the Trash. And then it moved my entire System Folder to the Trash. Thankfully the careless program wasn't smart enough to FLUSH the Trash can, so I was able to recover after a few minutes of wondering why my computer had become inoperable. Hopefully it hasn't done anything destructive other than trying to delete all my files. Is there a handy term for the beta release of a utility which accidentally possesses great destructive powers? Or those of us who are brave/stupid enough to attempt to run such programs? And should I file a bug report, or should I just burn down their corporate headquarters? -- K. It would be okay to burn down their building because they could just undelete it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,talk.philosophy.misc,sci.optics.fiber,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 24JUL99 Thank-You Microsoft, movie "Transition Period" Reincarnation Experiental Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 05:52:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc, talk.philosophy.misc, and sci.optics.fiber, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I have had a sentimental feeling for Microsoft-Hotmail-Bill.Gates for > some time now but have not posted it until now. I'm sorry, Arch, but that crazy "Rose" woman already insists she's secretly married to Bill Gates, who is stealing throughts from her brain from thousands of miles away. Hmm, you should sue that nut for impersonating you. (Rose is an obscure old-time Internet kook. Sorry, I can't find any Web pages about her these days. Whatever became of the kooks of yore?) > And although I have mostly talked against Microsoft in its monopoly court > battles, I wish to express some positive sentiments and thanks for Microsoft. THANK YOU, MICROSOFT, FOR NOT MAKING YOUR PRODUCTS TALK ENDLESSLY ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY LOVE MARZIPAN! > It is the fact that Microsoft owns Hotmail.com which has a free > access email account. Since I am departing Dartmouth, "Where do you want Archie to go today?" > and my living style is not conducive towards telephone etc etc, Oh, come on, you don't sound THAT ugly. > this Hotmail.com account is an important window unto the world > and the science and physics I need to broadcast. Already, this account of > > arc_plutonium@hotmail.com > > is proving to be important. So I thank Microsoft-Hotmail-Bill.Gates for > providing this account. Oh, I get it. You put a DOT in his name because he's into COMPUTERS! That's what makes it FUNNY DOT FUNNY DOT COM!!!! > Perhaps, for consideration, in that Microsoft is so rich and well endowed, (the exact opposite of Archie in both areas) > that to show goodwill towards all of humanity, that Microsoft can afford > to give to the general public free email accounts as a sign of GoodWill > and as a political benevolence. Yeah, and to get an E-mail account, they don't even make you take a $7-and-hour job washing dishes. > That how can Microsoft-Bill.Gates be all that bad, when they give for > free accounts to important people such as the King of > Physics-and-all-of-the-sciences. But why did he give YOU one? > Surely, Microsoft cannot be as bad as the Justice Dept makes out, > considering the mitigating factors of the GoodWill and Benevolence > offered to the world and the King of Physics with a free email account. > I no longer need to write "no phone" on documents but will write my > email address. And where it says "IQ" you can write your shoe size! (Although I'm not sure how anyone could tell.) > So, thanks to Bill, the world will continue to be blessed with an > open conduit window of the thoughts, theories, ideas and work from the > King of Science Oh, yeah, another reason to love Bill Gates. -- K. As if we didn't already love him for his charisma. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hi There! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 05:55:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Edward A Lowther (eal34@sawasdee.cc.columbia.edu) wrote: > > I was surfing around this great internet of ours, I'd just like to snip away 99% of your article so that I can point out that the first time I read that phrase, it said you were "surfing around this great Internet of odors." -- K. With new SmellScape Inhaler 5.1! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WARNING! RESTRICTED STOMACH LINING AHEAD! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 20:34:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > I've been searching through my medical encyclopedias to try and predict > the next fad in dietary restrictions. In recent years we have seen the > rich, hip and happening all go through their lactose-intolerant periods, > and now the fashionable are all yapping about their nut allergies. I think the next big thing must be an allargy to things that DON'T contain peanuts. So all food will be required to be available in both peanut-laced and peanut-free versions, produced in separate hemispheres. WARNING: WESTERN HEMISPHERE MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS. ESPECIALLY AROUND CALIFORNIA. Failing that, exploting cheezophobia could make you rich. -- K. I am currently refusing to eat anything that's not covered with hot pepper. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WARNING! RESTRICTED STOMACH LINING AHEAD! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999 05:25:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Poot Rootbeer" (mbp8@cornell.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Failing that, exploting cheezophobia could make you rich. > > I wish *I* had exploding cheezophobia. Well, now you can! Exploding Cheezophobia is available in cans, from the makers of Poutine Sauce That Rips Your Face Off and Habanero-Flavored Room Foggers! -- K. Kibo never makes an uninteresting typo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WARNING! RESTRICTED STOMACH LINING AHEAD! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1999 06:16:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > It's a meme, and all memes are funny. Correction: All memes are funny EXCEPT THIS ONE! But I guess that means yours is funny 'cause I didn't say it. Waah! > [...] > > Last night -- and this is entirely the fault of "The Powerpuff Girls" > episode with a very scary Satan-esque character, wearing thigh-high > leather high heeled boots and lots of lace -- I had some dream about Satan > where I apparently promised to sleep with him if he'd do something or > other. AND NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO! So > this is a bit distressing, since I'm thinking that I might have sold my > soul when I really didn't intend to, and maybe because I asked for > something stupid like a hot fudge sundae. Maybe you just asked him to sleep with you. -- K. And then you wished for a million wishes and then you shouted "I WISH THAT NONE OF MY WISHES ARE GRANTED EXCEPT THIS ONE" a million times. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Selfish Meme Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 25 Jul 1999 20:40:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > I would like to introduce the word "memeplex" to ARK. Discuss. Waah! Your stupid memeplex doesn't put enough artificial butter on the artificial popcorn! And the artificial popcorn tastes like styrofoam! And you were mean in calling the cops just because I snuck in after my mom drove me all the way to the back of the theater! And Sensurround causes permanent memetic damage! And before the feature meme there was a trailer for a meme I'd already seen! I WANT YOU TO REFUND THE PART OF MY MONEY THAT WENT TOWARDS BUYING THOSE EXPENSIVE TRAILERS!!! Also, when you showed "The Avengers", the middle third of every action scene was missing. PLEASE SHOW ME "THE AVENGERS" AGAIN AND I HOPE IT DOESN'T SUCK THIS TIME!!! -- K. Still, the screens are bigger than at the googolplex. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Selfish Meme Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1999 03:12:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.pants.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Still, the screens are bigger than at the googolplex. > > But a googolplex is more than all the atoms in the known Universe! So? You don't have to know an atom to pay $8 to stare at one for 95 minutes. In fact, there are lots of atoms we don't know. Like turbonium, uniblennium, citrushaddockium, unobtainium, plutoniumiumium, furbium, and umweltium. -- K. SCIENTISTS KEEP TRYING TO COVER UP THE FACT THAT ALL ATOMS END WITH "-IUM"! ALSO, NOBODY KNOWS HOW THE ATOMS KNOW THEIR NAMES!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Selfish Meme Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 05:59:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > SCIENTISTS KEEP TRYING TO COVER UP THE FACT THAT ALL > > ATOMS END WITH "-IUM"! > > The most plentiful ones on Earth are hydrogen and oxygen, along with > carbon, nitrogen, and silicon. Where did you get your -ium theory > from, the late Dr. Abian? Those aren't atoms. They're WORDS. -- K. I CAN WIN ANY ARGUMENT WITH MY MASTERFULNESS AT AVOIDING LOGIC!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Soda studies. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1999 03:24:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > Jonathan Norburg (jnorburg@visi.com) wrote: > > > > M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Yesterday The Fox Family Channel showed "The Harlem Globetrotters On > > > > Gilligan's Island". All of it. It's my favorite movie of the small > > > > subset of movies that have LOUD LAUGH TRACKS. > > > > > > Maybe we could get Ted Turner to add them to old movies that were made > > > before the laugh track was invented. > > > > Perhaps "M" should be redone with a laugh track. Not to mention adding one > > to "Metropolis" or "Double Indemnity". > > > Mere child's play. I say we add a laughtrack to 'Triumph of the Will'. Didn't George Lucas already do that? No, wait, he added John Williams music and an exciting circle-wipe to the credits with James Earl Jone's name in tiny print at the very bottom, just below the Second Best Boy. So, Barbus The Beardarian, your idea hasn't been done yet, therefore there is nothing wrong with it. Funds are, at this very moment, being diverted from the "Battlestar Galactica: The Motion Picture" and "Resident Evil: The Movie Of The Video Game" budgets to finance this important anti-restoration of "Triumph of the Will", which will be released under the "hip" new title, "Will's Triumph". Starring Wil Wheaton, with Mark Hamill, Malcolm McDowell, and featuring John Rhys-Davis as Brian Blessed. "Will's Triumph" will also be released in special "Interactive 4-D Smellotronic Virtual Wackiness" format, where YOU will be able to vote EVERY FIVE SECONDS on whether the movie continues or stops. (Ssh, don't tell anyone, but they're planning to film only one ending -- the one where the movie never stops! It's all a scam they're pulling just to force you to be entertained.) A laugh track is to a movie what horseradish sauce is to scrambled eggs: Nobody likes it but people should still be required to try it. -- K. My favorite brand of horseradish sauce: "Beano's". I am not making this up. I also saw an empty two- gallon pail of Ba-Tampte horseradish in the Prudential subway station once, and a 3/4-full gallon jug of discount mild salsa on the platform of Symphony. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: THIS MESSAGE IS NOT APPROVED BY BOB HOPE Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1999 03:37:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I was in the bad movie store today, looking through the bins of bad movies on VHS. You know, the kind that are so bad that they cost less than the average blank tape. The kind that are so bad that they just fill a big wire bin with then, ball-pit style, presumably dumped there by a dump truck. The kind that are so cheap that they don't have anti-shoplifting metal strips stuck to 'em -- they have pro-shoplifting stickers. The kind that are advertised in ways designed to force you to take home even more of the undesirable product than you wanted, as in "1 for $2.98, 10 for $2.99". In this particular bin, the tapes were all $2.99. Even the two-tape sets were only $2.99. (Of course, in this context, a two-tape set always means each tape has only 15 minutes of a black-and-white kinescope of a "Dragnet" episode made before Harry Morgan was born.) Most of these tapes have titles like "KELLOGG'S presents GREAT FOOTBALL BLOOPERS PLUS THE SPACE SHUTTLE BLOWING UP!", pieced together from things they videotaped off Fox, or obtained by pointing a video camera at a TV showing one of their competitor's tapes. Anyway, I love the possibility of finding an unusually bad movie in the $2.99 bin, so I looked through 'em all. (As much as I could without actually trying to watch any of them.) One was a sixty-minute compilation of "Bob Hope's Funniest Moments". The back of the box said, at the very bottom, in tiny print, NOT APPROVED BY BOB HOPE ...but, hey! None of the other tapes said that! So I bought some of the many other tapes that Bob Hope doesn't disapprove of. (I should point out that not ONE of the librarians-in-bondage tapes said "NOT APPROVED BY BOB HOPE".) -- K. Bob Hope's stern warning left me with only 49,000 other videos to choose from, AND NONE OF THEM STARRED BOB HOPE! YAY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 26JUL99 movie Reincarnation Experiental: AP mission to visit scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1999 06:38:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.history.science and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I am truly amazed at how smoothly this transition phase has gone for > me. I believe this smoothness is due to my organizational skills and > desire for order. Do you desire fries with your order? > Thus I first started the Transition phase Watch out for that Triple Point! You might wet your pants in three different ways. And then everyone would point and snicker, "HAW HAW, ARCHIE SUBLIMATED HIS PANTS!" (My apologies for introducing scientific concepts into this article about Archie's research.) > by selling my accumulated materialism of the past 10 years to reduce weight > and space. Wouldn't selling your stuff INCREASE the amount of space you have? > That meant getting rid of CDs, VCRs, books, bicycles and other > items. Then I needed mobility and that was accomplished by buying a > Toyota pickup. Then I needed a home-base and that was accomplished last > week. > > So, last Friday I purchased the round trip ticket for Europe, I'm sure you didn't need to spend extra to get a round-trip ticket. You could've gone one way and Europe would have taken up a collection to send you back. > and today I purchased a Eurail-Pass. Tomorrow I purchase a Greyhound > Ameripass. I plan to crisscross both the US/Canada and Europe. Don't forget your VIA rail pass. I don't think Amtrak has too many stations in Canada. > [...] > > Travel notes that I jotted down at rest stops or while I ate dinners > whilst traveling through Canada 19Jul-23Jul. > > Monday 19July: was dancing in the rain in Hanover after putting up one > of my bicycles and getting my bags for a trip up north to Canada. HOORAY! ARCHIE DANCED AND WHEN HE TOLD US ABOUT IT HE USED THE PHRASE "IN THE RAIN" AND NOT "IN MY UNDERWEAR" AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING! > Around 12 noon departed. Expected to return on Saturday. Drove north on > I-91. It was raining and I was playing around with the new radio > hunting for a religious station, not for the sermons but for the music > and usually their news is better than most other stations. > I was in a great mood, not much anxiety in the hunting and searching > for a new home but rather expecting success. And the first flashback on > this trip was that of Utah going north from Moab to Logan, only here it > is Vermont with a sea of green trees, unlike Utah with desert and > rocks. And another flashback upon seeing the new growth on the pine > trees made me think of the tamarisk in upper peninsula Michigan Arch, you're confused, it's _England_ that's a peninsula. Also I think there's more than one tamarind in Michigan. > circa 1988. Then the radio started to play French music and I enjoyed that > and thought how wonderful it is to have variety in the world and > diversity. And then you ate at a McDonalds. > [...] > > Too much diversity is bad, but there probably exists a band > wherein diversity is a optimum benefit for biology species and for > sociology culture-- benefit to progress. I would say that diversity can't be all bad, because then it wouldn't be diverse. Diversity would have to be good, bad, wacky, polka-dotted, unimpeachable, and crunch-tastic all at the same time. > My driving habits have changed dramatically from that of my youth. Oh, I don't know, I think you drive as well as you did when you were three. > I used to remember passing trucks and cars in the 1970s cruising at 70 > mph. Now I seldom go beyond 60mph and it seems that everyone passes me. > I do not care. I occasionally look in the rear view mirror and see a > large line in back of me. I do not care. ARCHIE DISCOVERS HE HAS SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH OTHER PEOPLE, FILM AT 11. IF YOU CARE. WHICH YOU DON'T. > And a trick I picked up from my bicycle days is that gear changing on > hills is necessary GENIUS!!! > and that inclines are hard on engines. DOUBLE GENIUS!!! > So, if it is a one lane road and a long hill ahead, and a long line > in back of me, I do not care, I will go up the hill shifting down > through the gears. And if that long line in back of me does not like it > that I am going 30 mph at the steep hill, well, I am not going to ruin > my new Toyota over them. I do not care what their schedule is. I want my > Toyota to make it to 200,000 miles on the original engine. I want you to make 200,000 miles too, provided it's in a straight line. Drop me a postcard from Taurus Littrow. Be sure to say hi to Martin Landau! > I landed at Univ. Sherbrooke at about 4:30 pm and wanted to get to a > bank to exchange US to Canadian, but was too late. But no matter > because the gas stations accept Visa credit card and they automatically > compute the exchange rates. Credit cards have made modern life so much > better. > Univ. Sherbrooke rests on a hill overlooking a valley north into > Quebec. And I wonder where the word Quebec comes from for it is one of > the few geographical places that starts with "Q". Other than Quincy and Queens and Qatar and Queensboro and the Qantas terminal. > Getting out of the Toyota at Sherbrooke I flashbacked to Utah State in a dryer ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM TRAVELS AROUND THE WORLD IN A CLOTHES DRYER, FILM AT 11:30. > climate on a hill overlooking a valley of which north is Idaho. And the smell > of fresh cut grass at Sherbrooke, reminded me of the fresh cut smell of > alfalfa in Utah. > I tried to get onto a computer to post the above but was unable to. > Did learn a few French words, Ferme. Yeah, but I don't know how often you're going to need to say "The computers are for actual students only, you wacko!" in French. Still, if you pick up enough French then you can go enjoy movies like "Elvis Gratton II". > Tues, 20July: > > Found trouble sometimes shifting gears in Toyota. The gears are so > close together, like yesterday in a crowded situation I shifted from > 5th to 2nd. And that was just in the polls for "rounded-headedest mad scientist of all time." > I was wondering of some way to engineer the shifting better. Maybe someday they'll be able to make it automatic! > Say, some indicator, some electronic indicator that visually > displays where the stick shift is at any moment in time. It would look like a ball on a stick! GENIUS!!! > Thus as I move the stick shift from 5th it would display 4th and I would > not have made the mistake of 2nd. Perhaps my real solution is to get an > automatic the next time. That I sense the technology of automatic > transmission has been so well perfected in the past 20 years that the > automatic provides a longer lifespan for a vehicle than the accumulated > mistakes of shifting errors. > > Turned off the radio for I needed to concentrate. Saw a postcard > picture of the Frontenic Chateau (sp?) in Quebec City. Beautiful > architecture. And I am guessing that Quebec looks to France for > architecture styles. I am at the Bas St-Laurent for lunch and no > biting insects! You should've gone to MontrŽal's Insectarium. You could bite all the insects you want. The gift shop even sells candy with bugs in it. You like candy, right? > I found out that the waters were salt up until around > Quebec City is it fresh water. > > I admire the French Canadians for trying to keep their cultural > identities, but being surrounded by English speakers and with the > computer Internet making English even more pronounced. I think the best > solution for French Canada is to separate and make their own country > and split-off from English Canada. Wow! What a novel idea! > By national independence is the cultural erosion checked. I think 249,999,999 people in the United States should declare their independence from a ten-foot-wide zone around wherever Archimedes Plutonium happens to be right now, to prevent him from eroding our culture. > [...] > > From my trip east from Quebec several science ideas come to mind. One, > the sociobiological concept of "desire". Do you desire fries with your desire? I've got some canned poutine sauce here if you so desire. > It seems to me that desire is rooted in the human behavior originating > from two actions, one of eating and one of sex. Not a necessity such as > breathing oxygen. Oh, yeah, you can go years without eating if you have enough oxygen. > Even though eating is a necessity it is another component of eating > that I refer to-- that of eating preferences or special foods Like candy with bugs in it? With poutine sauce? > that perhaps is difficult to obtain. And of course sex is not a necessity > for individuals. Unless they're your parents. > Now, here is the concept or theory brewing in my mind as > to "desire". Is the quest for knowledge or understanding or wisdom a > secondary human action rooted from the more basic actions of food and > sex desire? That is, suppose we could list all alien planets with > advanced life. Would all of them have a sex origin similar to the sex > origins of humanity? Oh, I can't wait to see the imaginary movie Archie bases on this. > That is, can there be an advanced intelligent life > that never experienced a past history of sexuality similar to that of > humanity experienced. In effect this is saying that the desire to do > physics had its origins in the desire to do sex. PAGING KURT VONNEGUT, COME IN KURT VONNEGUT... MR. VONNEGUT, YOU ARE WANTED ON THE CHRONO-SYNCLASTIC INFUNDIBULUM... > Concepts of achievement of progress of knowledge have their roots in the > desire for sex. Oh, yeah, Marie Curie only discovered radium because it made her IRRESISTIBLE TO MEN!!!! > A good analogy would be that of all the desires, the two desires > of good food and sex are atoms or atomistic compared to all other > desires which could be seen as molecular desires. > > The idea occurred to me that since the major ideas of humanity > required "re-discovery" the Atomic theory of Democritus rediscovered by > John Dalton 2,000 years later. The heliocentric theory of Aristarchus > rediscovered by Copernicus took about 2,000 years. Since history is > superdeterministic and patterned and cyclical in major features, then > the Atom Totality theory discovered by me in 1990 will take a huge > block of time to be "re-discovered" by someone in the future. So, everyone, let's all do our part in this cosmic plan: FORGET ARCHIE'S BRILLIANT DISCOVERY NOW!!! Otherwise we'll have to wait longer for people to start rediscovering it. > Saw several pretty silver cladded church spires heading south for > Edmundston, New Brunswick. > > In Truro saw a flip switch blow dryer, so much better than the noisy > banging type. Gee. When I went to Canada last month, I only took photos of the MOST INTERESTING stuff. Like that burned-out geodesic dome they visited in an episode of "Battlestar Galactica". > Near Halifax, saw an entrance onto the expressway that instead of > being parallel angled was a cloverleaf circle around. I was heading > from west to east wanting to go north and expected to make a left turn > onto the onramp, yet was surprised to see a right turn and a cloverleaf > onramp. Was wondering the logic behind that because it took alot more > land. I would have thought that parallel angled onramps to expressways > are the ideal optimum. Why would anyone build a cloverleaf onramp when > a parallel angled onramp can be built. I suppose the geography at some > locations would make a cloverleaf more appropriate. Especially in Ireland. -- K. "ideal optimum"? As opposed to a crappy optimum? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Important Battlestar Galactica news reported elsewhere Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1999 07:06:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This was reported in alt.battlestar-galactica. > ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY > July 30, 1999 > > DOUBLE TAKES > > by Rob Brunner > > As sci-fi showdowns go, Darth Maul vs. Qui-Gon Jinn has got nothing on > this battle(star) royal. > Turns out there are not one but two Battlestar Galactica features > currently in the works. Actor Richard Hatch, who played Apollo on the > short-lived cult TV series (1978-79), is working on a film about a new > Galactica generation. Hatch has a script and he says he's already lined > up investors as well as most of the original cast, including Dirk > Benedict, who played dashing space cowboy Starbuck. > "I've never [directed and produced a movie] before," says Hatch. "It > scares me. But I got tired of waiting for someone else to do it. It's > been a quest." > However, series creator Glen Larson has his own project in the works, a > film supposedly based on a Galactica character named Commander Cain. > (Larson did not return calls.) > So which Battlestar will prevail? As far as anyone can tell, Universal > owns the rights to the original series, though Larson may own the rights > to some characters. ("We've had several meetings with Universal and > every time we've gotten different information," says Hatch.) > All a studio spokesperson will say is "Universal has no plans to make > the movie." Still, Hatch is optimistic enough that he went ahead and > prepared a trailer for his film. > "We recently showed it to about 500 fans," Hatch says. "We got a > standing ovation for five minutes. People had tears in their eyes." > Don't cry for me, Commander Adama. > > --Rob Brunner I think they should release both films so that the fans can claim that neither one is a ripoff of "Star Wars" because each of the two "Galactica" movies is clearly a ripoff of the other. And that way they can include that new "Bar Bar Jinks" character without getting sued or making anyone mad. EVERYONE WILL LOVE BAR BAR JINKS!!! -- K. Fun fact: Commander Cain was played by the great Lloyd Bridges, and if he were still alive today, and lost in outer space, HIS LUNGS WOULD BE ACHING FOR AIR!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 05:05:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor So, I've been pressed for time lately, leaving me with little time to post stuff to Usenet and no time to write really wacky stuff like that episode of "The Special Show" about the meeting between Potsie and Batman. But I figure that if I had a portable computer, I could type while waiting for the bus, or on the bus, or in the subway, or in the bathroom. Even in the bathroom on the subway. For the past week, the question I've been wrestling with is, which laptop to buy? I've narrowed it down to laptops that can run Mac OS on top of UNIX ("Mac OS X") because I like UNIX and I have a bunch of Mac software I've already paid for. So this means I can't buy some of those cool tiny little Win98 laptops that that three-pound Sony 505 ($2000), I'll have to get one of Apple's full-size little computers. Apple currently makes one "professional-class" laptop, the PowerBook G3 series, not to be confused with the PowerBook G3 series (note the subtle difference in names) or the PowerBook G3 Series series. (The first one made had the black keyboard, then the next one had the gray keyboard, and the new one has a "mocha" or "bronze" keyboard depending on which PR person you ask.) The bronze PowerBook G3 series machines start at $2500. The other choice from Apple is their newly-introduced "iBook", a "consumer" notebook computer. All the marketing information about it emphasizes how cool it is to have one in your dorm room and how it will fit in your backpack! It costs $1600. The two machines weigh the same and have similar horsepower. Now, they both have their pros and cons: * The iBook is $900 cheaper. * The PowerBook G3 has a bigger screen with more pixels. * The iBook starts up faster. * The iBook is $900 cheaper. * The PowerBook G3's CD-ROM drive can be removed and replaced with the special "weight-saving module" filled with helium. * The iBook is coated with rubber to make you less likely to smash it while carrying it in your backpack on your way to your dorm. * The PowerBook G3 has two RAM slots instead of one, and comes with an adequate amount of it. * The iBook is $900 cheaper. * The PowerBook G3 has a SCSI port (I have lots of SCSI devices...) * The PowerBook G3 has a PC Card (aka PCMCIA) slot, into which I could add a cellular modem in case I ever want to post "Hey! This McDonalds in Nova Scotia has a weird hand dryer!" and have it hit the Internet before I leave, thus scooping Archimedes Plutonium. * The iBook is $900 cheaper. The iBook has a "wireless" option ($400 for the transmitter and receiver) which lets you use the Internet within 150 feet of your home. Everyone considers this to be a big deal for some reason, which puzzles me, especially as the same option can be added to any kind of laptop that has a PC Card slot, namely, everything that's not an iBook. (The iBook is perhaps the world's least expandable laptop. It's basically a portable iMac.) So, anyway, I could live with the silly iBook, but for more money I could get a lot more stuff. But I'd then be more worried about losing it, breaking it, or having it stolen. The question was, should I pay more for a machine which would simultaneously make me happier, poorer, and more worried? Then, last night, the answer came to me in a dream. In the dream, for some reason, the house next to where I grew up turned into an ice-cream parlor. There was a big sign on the front advertising their new special, which was a "cake cone" (those yellow Styrofoam ones) containing two scoops of fluorescent pink ice cream, with a square of yellow sponge cake between the two. The name of this alleged dairy delight? "WORLD'S GAYEST COMPUTER". Yes, it was printed on the poster in large letters in the dream. Don't ask me why the ice cream cone was named "WORLD'S GAYEST COMPUTER". I woke up in a cold sweat, realizing that I almost bought a computer with rounded corners, a carrying handle, and orange or teal swirls on the outside. THE iBOOK IS A SISSY COMPUTER THAT LOOKS LIKE A PURSE!!! IF I WERE TO BUY AN iBOOK I'D NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE, THE VOLUPTUOUS AND TALENTED JULIET LANDAU, EVER AGAIN!!! So I think I'm going to buy the more expensive computer, the black rectangular one that doesn't scream "WORLD'S GAYEST COMPUTER". The iBook comes in two colors, both of which would get me beat up if I carried the thing through this neighborhood by its little purse handle. The PowerBook is basic black, except for the bronze keyboard, AND I SAY IT'S BRONZE, NOT MOCHA, DAMMIT!!! -- K. HEY I AIN'T NO HOMOPHOBE, I'M JUST VERY NOT GAY!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:55:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I tried to send a friend of mine a deja.com site for Kibo's "review > of the iBook", as it were... and since I used the punchline as the > search parameter, I didn't want to send him the URL as-is because > it would spoil itself. > > Then I noticed, after I had sent it, that it had kept the search > on file and there was an ad that said: "BUY world's gayest computer > at Brands For Less" You might want to settle for The World's Second Gayest Computer, which is a dollar cheaper. And only half of it is turquoise. (The part nearest the purse handle.) I think this is a clever new marketing strategy of Apple's: The old method of marketing to guys with ponytails wasn't as profitable as just marketing their computers to the gay community, because less than 10% of men have ponytails. Have you noticed that Miller Lite has decided to be the official beer of gayness? In many of the gay bars I have been walking right past, there's been a big neon "Miller Lite" sign with a gay-pride rainbow coming out. (In more ways than one.) And CNN Headline news, in order to keep me informed of important events, showed me a Miller Lite ad that they were only printing in gay men's magazines and not, say, showing on CNN Headline News. CNN Headline News. It's the place where people get free advertising just by developing ads that can't be shown in normal places. "Hey, you can't show this ad for 'Kondoms For Kidz' here on CNN! Hey, that's a news story! Now we'll show it for free while we talk about how no legitimate network would show this commercial!" Anyway, it's intriguing that Miller has given up on marketing Lite Beer to straight people. Because, of course, gay people and straight people are biologically unable to drink the same kinds of beer. > I looked for the "More Headers" button but it was GONE! Damn! > I tried clicking the thread and going to the message through > there but that only made the URL longer, even though it got > rid of the punchline in the URL. > > http://x37.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=506854931&search=thread&CONTEXT=933456373.784924721&HIT_CONTEXT=933456373.784924721&HIT_NUM=7&hitnum=0 You know, you could just do http://x37.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=506854931 ...unless you want to let us all see your context. And what a lovely context it is. I didn't know anyone read alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.armpits! Or, of course, you could just go to the easy-to-remember http://www.kibo.com/rawdata ...where all of my recent posts are available in convenient enormous chunks. (The article in question should appear in a few hours, as I update it weekly and today's the day the new batch gets posted.) -- K. Someday you'll be allowed to use my replacement for DejaNews, but I've got other things I want to finish first... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:16:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor dphayes@my-deja.com, who forgot to bring a Real Name, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The PowerBook G3 has a PC Card (aka PCMCIA) slot, into which I could > > add a cellular modem in case I ever want to post "Hey! This McDonalds > > in Nova Scotia has a weird hand dryer!" and have it hit the Internet > > before I leave, thus scooping Archimedes Plutonium. > > > In the interest of public health, please scoop Archimedes Plutonium. Mmm, two scoops of crackpot enhance the soapy taste of Kellogg's Dishwasher Flakes! "Look, Mom, I cleaned the bowl just by eating it! And I can see my face!" "That's a bunny painted on the bottom, Junior." "Oh boy! Someday when I grow up, I want to be a bunny, or maybe just a dishwasher!" > (or curb your dog) Waah! I scooped Archimedes Plutonium and now I can't curb my dog! Spot's gonna poo all over because thirty minutes ago I used up the "inclusive or" meme in a different article! THERE IS A GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF "INCLUSIVE OR"S! FROM NOW ON PLEASE ONLY USE "XOR" WHEN MAKING DECISIONS THAT MIGHT AFFECT YOUR LIFE! NOP HEAVY MACHINERY! NAND TAKE INTERNALLY! NAND! NAND! NOP! EIEIO! DILUTE! -- K. NOP is the most important instruction in your computer, because without it you wouldn't be able to remove the copy-protection from your pirated warez. I hear that to prevent piracy, Intel is discontinuing NOPs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.online-service.webtv,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: screen savers Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 06:22:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.online-service.webtv, "c scaggs" (cartman2134@webtv.net) wrote: > > --WebTV-Mail-10497-971 > Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > can anybody help me figure out how to get a screen saver for webtv pease > respond asap needhelp. There's this new service which transmits "push media" channels that will fill the entire desktop area of your screen with random stuff while you're idle. And to tap into it, all you have to do is push one of the buttons on your TV's remote control until you see a little "NBC", "CBS", or "ABC" logo in the bottom right of your screen. You can then leave your WebTV on that channel to keep from wearing out the electrons in your WebTV. > > > --WebTV-Mail-10497-971 > Content-Description: signature > Content-Disposition: Inline > Content-Type: Text/HTML; Charset=US-ASCII > Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit > > src="http://www.geocities.com/Baja/Dunes/4563/change.ram"> > > > "http://members.tripod.com/gifs123/page24/kenny58.gif"> > > > "http://members.tripod.com/gifs123/page24/kenny56.gif"> > > > "http://members.tripod.com/gifs123/page21/sptopbar.gif"> > > > "http://members.tripod.com/gifs123/mid3/halloween.mid"> > > > --WebTV-Mail-10497-971-- Hey, you forgot to close two of the five 's in the middle of your HTML. Hope this helps. -- K. WARNING: Do not tune your WebTV to The WB unless you have one of those new WBTVs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.online-service.webtv From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: screen savers Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:22:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "The Hurdy Gurdy Man" (bryan@tep12.ucsd.edu) wrote: > > In alt.online-service.webtv, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's this new service which transmits "push media" channels that > > will fill the entire desktop area of your screen with random stuff > > while you're idle. > > Is it _the_ Kibo? Like the real, genuine, Kibo of Internet lore? Well, > if so, it's an honor to be paid a visit by you. MAW! SOMEONE'S DONE BEEN EDUCATIN' THE ALT.ONLINE-SERVICE.WEBTV PEOPLES A-GAIN! > As a coincidence, you were used as an example at WebTV for how the security > people might keep an eye on the newsgroups to watch for posts of WebTV > service security exploits. WebTV Makes An Example Of Kibo. Film At 11. Hmm, "film", idea... WebMovie. It would be just like an ordinary movie theater except you could click on things on the screen while the movie is playing. And there would be this big red Telestrator-style crayon where you could scribble all over Jar Jar Binks whenever he shows up. > Sort of an "Evil Kibo." Probably would have called the monitoring program > "Kai Bo," but that was before Tai Bo came out so the name wouldn't have > seemed so tacky. So the "Tai Bo" guy, Jar Jar Binks, Joseph Hazelwood, and Bob Hope are trapped in an elevator together. I think it would go something like this... (SOUND OF BRAIN CELLS DYING) > For those WebTV users who don't know the lore of Kibo (as well as stories > of folks like Sergar Argic) I highly suggest you do a web search on > "internet folklore" (as well as on "Kibo" and "Sergar Argic"). There's > some great stories to be found about Usenet use, misuse, and downright > abuse. Kibo is something of a legend, and a celebrity. > > And be careful when and where you post the word "turkey." Oh, I don't think the smart people need to worry about it. As long as you have an SAT score over 1500, you can say "turkey". -- K. So, I can say it TWO AND A HALF TIMES!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Tr*v*lta shoots film based on book by Sci*nt*l*gy founder Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 07:07:23 GMT Reply-To: la.la.la.la@la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la.la Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.dev.null AFP (that wacky little French news agency) reported: > > Subject: Travolta shoots film based on book by Scientology founder > > MONTREAL, July 29 (AFP) - American actor John Travolta is in > Quebec filming "Battlefield Earth," which is based on a book by > Church of Scientology founder Ron Hubbard. Cool, are they going to use the Biosphere to represent the ruins of an advanced civilization again? If so, they better hurry up before Richard Hatch films his unlicensed "Battlestar Galactica" film there. > Himself a Scientologist, Travolta described the novel as "a > great book of science-fiction" and told reporters here Wednesday > that he has wanted to adapt it to the big screen since he read it in > 1984. And then read George Orwell's "1984" while on the planet Badnovelbylronhubbard! > Travolta, who plays a lead role and co-produces the film with > Jonathan Krane, said "Battlefield Earth" has nothing to do with > Scientology. > "It is personal, it is different," he said. BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT! > In the movie, which takes place 800 years from now, Oh, good, I won't be alive to go see it then. > Travolta stars as chief of security of an extraterrestial species > named the "Psyclos" whose reign of terror on earth is challenged > by human survivors. > "It is different from 'Star Wars,' YAY!!! THAT MEANS IT'S THE SAME AS "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA" AND THEY'RE GONNA USE THE BIOSPHERE AGAIN!!! > it is much more based in reality, DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > with some passages of surealism," he said, referring to the > Hollywood blockbuster that took US movie theaters by storm in May. I love the way they assume that anyone who will willing read a newspaper article about Scientology must be so clueless that they need to have it explained to them THAT THERE WAS A STAR WARS MOVIE THIS YEAR. -- K. I can't wait until Ezio Greggio, Elvis Gratton, Roberto Benigni, and Pee-wee Herman star in a Kibology movie. DIRECTED BY RICHARD HATCH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: R*: Tr*v*l*a sh**ts f*lm b*s*d on b**k by S*i*nt*l*gy f**nd*r Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 02:57:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [funny stuff which I [Leah], once again, snipped in favor of one sentence] > > > > BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT! > > > YAAAAAAAY! > We have anothah WINNAH! > BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF > BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING > BEARS OF BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT! > > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > > > So NOW who the hell wants to Squiggle???? You know, I don't like to swear, especially here on this family Internet. But there is no more appropriate word than "bullshit" from things which are bullshitty. Here, take this example: [Time magazine's "Technology" section, August 2, 1999] > > Jobs' Golden Apple > > With the new iBook onstage and Toy Story 2 in the wings, Steve Jobs has > plenty to smile about > > by Michael Krantz > > It's a classic tale, told and retold through the ages: the hero reaches > for greatness but fails, finds wisdom and maturity in scarred exile, > then comes home to save his dying kingdom in Act III. Watching Steve Jobs > hold his gorgeous new iBook triumphantly aloft before his assembled legions > at last week's MacWorld convention in New York City, it was easy to > imagine Apple Computer's interim-CEO-for-life perched somewhere in the > pantheon between Odysseus and Simba the Lion King. If that's not bullshit, I don't know what is. I have never before heard godlike qualities ascribed to someone just because they decided "consumer-oriented" computers should look like purses. FROM NOW ON, ALL TV SETS WILL HAVE PINK DAISIES STICKING OUT OF THEM! I GUESS THAT MAKES ME YOUR SUPREME OVERLORD! -- K. Somewhere, Xiamara Roberts is regretting writing that coffee mug. WHOOSH! TEN MILES PAST THE McIRVIN OBSCURITY LIMIT! NOT EVEN DAVID PACHECO CAN RETRIEVE THAT REFERENCE FROM BEYOND THE VEILED HORIZON OF INFINITE OBSCURANTISM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.org.mensa From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Money well spent Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1999 07:34:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Ok, this isn't a funny post, but I just saw my old SAT scores, and while > > I got an astounding score on the ACTs, I think I was in the 44th > > percentile on one section of the SATs. It's been 10 years, and I'm still > > not laughing. Woe is me, with the 1210 SAT Score of Banality. > > 1210? I think mine was in the 1200s, too, and everyone thinks I'm > a genius. Oh, how long I have fooled them. Mine was 1780, which, if I remember correctly, put me in the 120th percentile. -- K. That means I got into the Masons! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Random bloviation Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:33:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > > Not that it matters, but... > > [...] > > o What happened to Bob Oedekirk? Bob Eucker? Bob Dipthong? "Thumb Wars", diet drink infomericals, and I dewn't knaueio. > o Who would win in a fight between William Shatner's toupee and > John Saxon's toupee (as seen in "Enter The Drag Queen")? John Saxon's, because he was the start of *TWO* of Gene Roddenberry's TV series, "Project: Earth" and "Genesis II". > o "Hope is the thing without feathers". Let's pluck Bob Hope. Oh, like he still has any feathers at his age. > o I spent $1100 playing Warbirds over the last year. I am Death > Incarnate in a B-17. However, my hopes of leveraging these > skills into a gig piloting UAVs over Kosovo didn't pan out. Dear Darth Carnate In A B-17, Is a UAV an ultraviolet variant of a BVD? How about an ultraviolent BVD? UNDEROOS! THE UNDERWEAR THAT'S FUN TO WEAR! NOW DIE! > o I made a healthy multiple of the above sum developing VR worlds > for buyitonline.com using NTT's Interspace system (which imports > directly from 3DStudio and uses X-Lisp as a scripting language). > My Moonbase Alpha world is coming soon. Be sure to make it look like it's made out of cardboard. > o Speaking of Miss Bain, I found a source for Space:1999 (and other) > datasets; I'm thinking of hosting a Kibological Animation Contest. > Watch this space for further developments. Here's my entry: (1) Bob Hope and Groucho Marx are sitting on a couch in outer space. (2) Bob Hope says "I love my nose!" (3) Groucho says, "I love my cigar too but I set fire to it once in a while." (4) Lucille Ball sets fire to her nose. But the audience gasps in horror because at this point she's eighty years old. (5) Bob Hope and Groucho Marx, on their flying space couch, collide with Abraham Lincoln's fling space Barcalounger. (6) Captain Kirk and Abraham Lincoln beat up Bob Hope while Groucho Marx makes out with Lucille Ball in the movie "Room Service." (7) As he's being pummelled, Bob Hope wails, "BOY, DID I GET A WRONG NUMBER!" (8) Moonbase Alpha explodes for some reason. THE END. -- K. Okay, the reason it explodes is that nobody likes it. THE END. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Two Times Three Signs Of The Apocalypse. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:50:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Which trio of strange consumer products is the TRUE portent of the end of civilization as we know it? --- UNNATURAL SEAFOOD AT THE SUPERMARKET --- (a) As you probably know, last year, at a market in Chinatown, I bought some fried stingray rinds. (b) Gorton's "fish tenders" exist. They're like fish sticks. Only smaller. BUT THEY'RE BETTER BECAUSE THEY'RE "TENDERS"!!! Mmm, McNuggets of the sea. (c) Shrimp rings. I am not making this up. They look like onion rings. But they're made from shrimp. DO YOU THINK MAYBE IT'S GROUND UP? --- COMPUTER STORES NEED TO SELL YOU A JOYSTICK --- (a) Micro Center is selling a "professional joystick". (b) Today, in a catalog, I saw a "vertical mouse". Which, unsurprisingly, looked like a joystick. (c) A few weeks ago, at Best Buy, I noticed something a little odd about the display of joysticks... one of the ones in the middle was a little taller and less goofy-looking than the others, and was a nice shade of transparent blue with a bright yellow trigger. I walked over for a closer look and it was a bottle of Windex. I know one of those triads is going to destroy the world, but I'm not sure which one. I'm inclined to say it's the computer joystick ones, because, hey, it's Y2K already. -- K. I'LL SURE BE GLAD WHEN Y2K IS OVER ON JANUARY 2 AND THE COMPUTERS STOP CRASHING!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two Times Three Signs Of The Apocalypse. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:17:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Brack!" (guruzoo@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (a) As you probably know, last year, at a market in Chinatown, > > I bought some fried stingray rinds. > > Dont diss the stingray rinds. They're stingalicious! Oh, that's what you said about Allen Smithee's "Dune". > > (c) Shrimp rings. I am not making this up. They look like onion rings. > > But they're made from shrimp. DO YOU THINK MAYBE IT'S GROUND UP? > > I once lived in a hospital. And I'm not talking about I got run over > by a freight train so had to stay for a month or so, freight train month or so passenger train week or two model train treated and released NBC's "Atomic Train" treated for severe boredom NBC's "Supertrain" THE HOSPITAL DENIES ALL KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR EXISTENCE, YOU COULD NOT EXIST BECAUSE THERE NEVER WAS SUCH A SHOW AS NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN", THE TV SHOW THAT WAS TEN MILLION TIMES WORSE AN IDEA THAN ANYTHING ELSE EVER ON TV, INCLUDING "LANCELOT LINK, SECRET CHIMP" (After hearing about 50 times that "Supertrain" was the dumbest thing ever, I figure if I ever see an episode I'll be disappointed that it's not Worse Than Hitler.) > we lived there for a few years in a disused building they converted into > el cheapo student housing. The cafeteria had squid rings. Made of ground > squid. Squid is one of the few foods, like onions, that naturally turn > into rings. Whereas poor Spot naturally turns into stringray rinds. Every five minutes. "Waah!" cried Spot as he went to pieces. Besides, onions don't turn into rings. They turn into blossoms. And potatoes turn into curly fries. Don't YOU have any Ronco products in your home? > but someone somewhere is feeding them into a grinder and excreting them > into rings. "Oh no! Spot excreted into my ring! My wedding is ruined!" I'm sorry, but it's YOUR fault for using the word "excreting" on the Internet. -- K. STAND BY FOR ACTION! bum buppa bum buppa bum buppa bum STINGRAY... STINGRAY! bum buppa bum buppa bum buppa bum STINGRAY... STINGRAY! IIIIIIT DIIIIVES BEEEENEATH THE WAAAAAVES, FEARLESS AND FREE... STINGRAY... STINGRAY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: pain scales Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 04:00:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, "GORAN ©ILJEG" (GORAN.SILJEG@ZG.TEL.HR) wrote: > > I'm looking for all knowing methods for pain mesurement. > Goran, Croatia It's nice how the Internet helps bring people around the world together. -- K. "Does this recipe ask for level or heaping tablespoons of pain?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.astro,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Goodbye, my friend Alexander Abian, I miss you Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 05:36:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology It saddens me to learn of the death of Alexander Abian from Archie Plutonium. Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > --- quoting newspaper --- > > ISU professor Abian dies > at 76 > By Rebecca Anderson > Staff Writer > AMES-- Iowa State University math > professor Alexander Abian didn‰t > receive extensive media attention > for developing the ‹set theory.Š Oh, yeah, all those nineteenth-century people like Georg Cantor and Bertrand Russell hogged all the credit by the time Zermelo wrote down his axioms in 1908. (Don't you wish science reporters would occasionally look up something and discover it had been invented before "Seinfeld"?) > He wasn‰t interviewed by newspapers > and television shows across the > world for his teaching methods. > He wasn‰t sought out for being the > distinguished academic that he > was. > > Instead, he became famous for > his theory that blowing up the > moon would solve the Earth‰s > problems. He thought removing > the moon from the solar system > would change the tilt of the earth, > which would solve problems such > as cancer, AIDS, overpopulation > and famine. > > Few people listened, and fewer > signed on to the theory, Hmm, I guess I was wrong when I said that science journalism in newspapers was never accurate. > but Prof. Abian remained optimistic, > accepting the fact that his theory > may not have been proven in his > lifetime. That life ended Saturday > at Mary Greeley Medical Center, > where Mr. Abian died of a heart > ailment. He was 76. > > ‹My dad was always one to > question something,Š said his son, > Andrew. ‹He did not take for > granted that (Earth) was the best > celestial object.Š > > Andrew Abian called his father a > radical Ö a word several physicists > and astronomers used to describe > his theory about destroying the > moon. He received enormous > media attention and gave > interviews to publications like > People, The Wall Street Journal > and Omni. > > Jim Peake, an assistant professor > of math at Iowa State and > associate chairman of the > department, said Mr. Abian gave > several interviews with television > stations across the ocean. > > He never tired from the media > attention because he felt people > were listening. They may not have > believed in his theory, he thought, > but they could have accepted > there was more to life than what > was in front of them. > > ‹He used it to promote the ideas of > challenging the acceptance of this > set-up we have,Š Andrew said. > > Mr. Abian was an Iranian Ö he was > born in Tabriz on New Year‰s Day > of 1923 Öwho moved to the United > States in 1952. He received an > undergraduate degree in Iran, a > master‰s degree at the University > of Chicago and a Ph.D. at the > University of Cincinnati. He taught > in Tennessee, New York and > Ohio before coming to Iowa State > in 1967. Exactly one hundred years after Cantor published his first paper in 1867! Of course, that's not an important date because Cantor didn't invent set theory until 1874. > It was in Ames where he > became distinguished in his > profession. He published three > books on mathematics, wrote > more than 240 papers and had > three theorems named after him. Not to mention the following immortal play (July 1998): --> A PLAY IN ONE ACT AND TWO LINES --> (by Alexander Abian) --> --> The curtain rises --> --> On the stage two (separate) armchairs. A is sitting on one and B --> on the other --> --> A: Darling, I have never betrayed you ! --> --> B: How could you have ? I have never trusted you! --> --> --> The curtain comes down --> --> The end > He was most widely known for his > work on set theory, which made > him famous in the academic world > in the 1970s. > > Most of his colleagues ignored > his, as they call it, eccentric moon > work from the latter portion of his > career. Today they remember him > for his dedication to his first calling > Ö mathematics. > > ‹He was a very dedicated teacher,Š > Peake said. ‹He enjoyed taking > famous results and doing them in > different ways so people could > understand them.Š > > Even after his retirement in 1993, > Abian would stop in the math > department in Carver Hall every > day just to talk with former > colleagues, Peake said. > > He taught for almost 30 years at > Iowa State. It was his work as a > teacher that made him most > famous to his colleagues. > > ‹He would sit with his students for > hours and continue to sit with > them until they got it right,Š said his > daughter, Lisa Magner. > > Mr. Abian has become somewhat > of a legend at Iowa State and the > rest of the world as the man who > wanted to blow up the moon, > Andrew said. Oh, like they hadn't heard of Martin Landau. > But to his family and > friends he was a normal man who > liked Beethoven, Picasso and > chocolate eclairs. > > Funeral services will be held > Thursday at 10 a.m. at Stevens > Memorial Chapel in Ames. Burial > will follow in Ames Municipal > Cemetery. > > --- end quote --- > > Abian was blessed to the Fields of Elysium. He was my friend. I have > a prayer for him. > > Carbon in him > Carbon of Plutonium > Fill him with life anew > That he my love > What thou dost love > And do what it superdetermines him to do > > Plutonium in him > Atom Plutonium > Thus shall he never die > But live with thee > Part in thy Proton divinity > Part in thy Electron infinity > Atom I had felt sad that Dr. Abian died, but now I feel ill. -- K. Also, I want to know what great scientist DOESN'T like chocolate eclairs. I should point out that I have Dr. Abian's permission (in writing) to reproduce his Usenet posts in book format, although I am uncertain there is enough interest to merit publication. (Alas, I don't have a copy of his treatise on how humanity evolved from "self-impregnating hermaphrodites.") Here are some of the most inspirational quotes I've collected from Dr. Abian. "I gave and give you NON-ANSWERS because that makes me feel secure and I act according to my (A3). Period." -- Alexander Abian, December 1992 "THE COSMOS IS ETERNALLY GOVERNED BY (A3) - NO WAY OUT" -- ibid "TIME HAS INERTIA ON JUDGMENT DAY I WILL PUT THE ENTIRE CREATION ON TRIAL." -- Alexander Abian, January 1993 "HERE is an example of highly unintuitive, highly nonstandard, highly profound, highly ABSTRACT example of MEASURE and INTEGRATION THEORY which reveals the naked essence of MEASURE and INTEGRATION theory without covering it with 200 tons of cosmetic lava." -- Alexander Abian, June 1993 "The present setup must be changed. The genius of mankind will not tolerate for the humans to be orbited around the Sun as a horde of blind-folded speechless slaves in a decadent pestiferous orbit which is continually infested with deadly viruses such as the virus of AIDS !!!" -- Alexander Abian, July 1993 "I am the first and the only person who singlehandedly has defined TIME AS MASS and proclaimed (**) THE EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS (a Nobel Prize deserving breakthrough !). Can you deny that ? Can you ?!" -- Alexander Abian, August 1993 "I asked him did the comic book stated also that T and M are in Abian's ? He hesitated and said 'I don't remember, maybe ' I said 'would you please identify yourself ' but he did hang up on me." -- Alexander Abian, August 1993 "Your sexually being aroused perhaps is partly due to VENUS." -- Alexander Abian, August 1993 "In other words an eigenvector of a square matrix is a vector which is loved and caressed by M, and not molested or mutilated by M. (I have to be short, since at the moment I don't have much time)" -- Alexander Abian, date unknown, probably 1993 " CAN'T YOU NOT READ TIME HAS INERTIA ! CAN'T YOU IGNORE IT ! CAN'T YOU 'N'- KEY IT. YOU SEE YOU P[PROVOKED ME BY POSTING IN TIME HAS INERTIA , HOW DARE YOU TO MOTHER SUPERIOR ME AND SAY DON'T POST IN SCI.PHYSICS'S TIME HAS INERTIA SUBJECT WHEN YOU ARE POSTING YOURSELF IN TIME HAS INERTIA AND THEN YOU ARE MOTHER SUPERIORING ME. I AM EXHAUSTED. I WILL NOT ANSWER ANYMORE TO ANY MOTHER SUPERIOR OF THE USENET. IT IS JUST DISGUSTINGLY EXHAUSTING AND A WASTE OF MY VERY VALUABLE TIME. NO MORE ANSWERS FROM ME TO THE MOTHER SUPERIORS OF THE USNET." -- Alexander Abian, September 1993 "TRUTH IS A YET UNDISCLOSED LIE." -- Alexander Abian, December 1993 "At a slightest shade of sarcasm on your part, you will not hear from me." -- Alexander Abian, January 1994 "I LOVE TO IMPOSE MY IDEAS UPON THE OTHERS. IT INFLATES MY EGO AND MAKES ME FEEL SECURE !!" -- Alexander Abian, January 1994 "At least one hundred times I have proclaimed that I have no evidence no proof no nothing to give to you or to anyone else except telling you that my theories are based on my imagination. They inflate my ego and make me feel secure. I have made no secret of it." -- Alexander Abian, January 1994 "There will be people who may respond to my imaginations and may be provoked to materialize them ! " -- Alexander Abian, February 1994 "I wish I have been at Edison's Laboratoty and I wish I motivated Edison with my reasoning. All I had to do is to pose the following problem to Edison : FIND A HIGHLY UNSTABLE (PARANOID) SUBSTANCE WHICH UPON PROVOCATION WOULD EXPLODE LIKE STALIN OR GENGHIS KHAN !." -- Alexander Abian, July 1994 "In this connection, I think a moral and decent thing to do - for people who read my postings - is to contribute to the newsnet fund some $ per postings of mine that they read." -- Alexander Abian, August 1994 "I AM PROMISING NOW TO CHOOSE MY SUBJECT LINE AS I PLEASE" -- Alexander Abian, September 1994 "...could you be any crackpottier?" -- Nick Bensema, January 1996 "I am not , but you could be a crackpottier yourself" -- Alexander Abian "So, of course Alteration of Great Scores, Paintings and Writings of the Classical Giants must be a must." -- Alexander Abian, January 1996 " I consider that principle also a prepubescent euphoria and an inane need to have a fanatic-religious idealistic point of reference and a point of departure . It is a sheer bovine ecstasy. Thus, THE PRINCIPLE OF CONSTANCY OF SPEED OF LIGHT IN ANY INERTIAL FRAME MUST ALSO BE SHREDDED AND RECYCLED INTO TOILET PAPER." -- Alexander Abian, August 1996 "I don't want to sound biblical but it is THE MATTER TO DUST." -- Alexander Abian, February 1997 "THE BIG SUCK AND THE REACTION TO IT are some two examples and instances of the insatiable craving to gain a feeling of security. The Void of Space Sucks th intruding mass not to have a concentrated invader in its territory." -- Alexander Abian, December 1998 "If you post any more questions to me I will reply to you, as usual with a NON-ANSWER . " -- Alexander Abian, December 1992 "I can give you a very rigorous proof but you may fall asleep while reading it." -- Alexander Abian, July 1998 So long, Dr. Abian. Sorry you couldn't be around to witness the events of September 13, 1999. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today On Your TV In The USA. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:06:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor It must be a ratings week -- there's an unusually Kibological assortment of television tonight. I'm going to mention some of the more interesting-ish prime-time programs tonight. For those of you in the USA, please plan your entire evening around my comments. For those of you outside the USA, please don't snicker too hard about how we have 50,000 channels of this crud. (Any channels I mention are the ones listed in the Boston edition of TV Guide.) The first thing tonight I wanted to record starts at 6:00 (just over an hour from now), the six-and-a-half hour marathon of every episode of "The Ben Stiller Show" on FX. (Starring Janeane Garofalo [yay], Bob Odenkirk [yay], Andy Dick [yay], Ben Stiller [yay], and one cameo by David Cross [yay].) I already have tapes of the episodes that originally aired on my Fox station -- that would be about 2/3 of 'em -- and Comedy Central once showed a marathon of all 13 episodes -- but I'm hoping that FX won't trim them as much as I assume Comedy Central (Comedy Central trims about 5% extra out of everything for commercials, and they also screw up the audio.) Let's skip over the other 6:00 programs and proceed to 7:00. At 7:00, there is a very typical lame TV show: "World's Funniest!" (Not to be confused with "America's Funniest Home Videos" and "America's Funniest People" which became "America's Funniest", or with "World's Funniest Bloopers".) If any of these is actually the funniest anything, I'm really glad I'm not funny. This particular episode of "World's Funniest" includes this description in TV Guide: Celebrating mothers, who are seen slipping in a baby pool; getting hit in the head by a baby carriage. YAY! WOMEN GETTING HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH BABY CARRIAGES IS A FUNNY!!!! Amid the many other programs I'll avoid at 7:00 is this gem: (QVC) Star Wars Collection: Episode I: The Phantom Menace -- Shopping I'll take two colons and one dash to block, Bob. NOW YOU CAN BUY OVERPRICED STAR WARS TOYS THROUGH YOUR TV AT ONLY 50% MORE THAN IT WOULD COST YOU TO GO TO THE MALL!!! Skipping ahead to 8:00... the heart of every day in the TV universe. Here's everything that's on at 8:00: (2) Nature -- Documentary Exploring "Life at the Edge of the Sea" along the Pacific coast of British Columbia, where colorful undersea creatures live in the pounding surf. (Repeat) I'm confused. Do these Canadian critters live "undersea" or "in the pounding surf"? The surf's on TOP of the sea, guys. (4)(12) Touched By An Angel After a stand-up comic's father dies, the angels help her face up to a devastating incident from her childhood involving her deeply depressed mother -- whom she believes is dead. (Repeat) Ah, a wonderful exuberant, life-affirming drama in which we learn it's okay for your father to die because when he dies you learn that mom's alive. Then, in the next episode, mom dies, which brings dad back to life. (7)(10) You Asked For It -- Variety Debut: A man threads a snake through his nose and out his mouth. Who asked for that? Well, somebody did, [yeah, right] or it wouldn't be featured in this compilation of viewer-requested segments on unusual people, places and things. [...] In addition to the snake flosser, the premiere is slated to include a girl who cries tears of glass; the inventor of a suit that can withstand a bear attack; the "world's fastest parallel parker"; martial artists with high thresholds of pain; and sky divers who relax in an airborne living room. Oh, joy. They've slapped the title of Art Baker's 1950s TV series onto NBC's latest effort to clone "That's Incredible", featuring people injuring themselves doing stupid stunts, and life-affirming stories of people barely overcoming their hideous deformities. It's another damn freak show. Just like Fox's "Guiness World Records Primetime", which is 90% old footage from Fox's "Guiness World Records". The notable feature of this NBC attempt at a PG-rated "Mondo Cane": It's hosted by Phil Morris (son of Barney from "Mission: Impossible"), who is best known for playing O.J. Simpson's lawyer Johnnie Cochran on "Seinfeld" and in coffee commercials. This promises to be something that makes me want to kill my TV when they give airtime to that girl in South America who claims to be crying shards of glass, which, if memory serves, was thoroughly debunked a couple times already. PAGING JAMES RANDI, PAGING JAMES RANDI... Also, I think most suits would withstand bear attack -- usually the bears just eat the people and leave the suit behind. Incidentally, in what sense is this "Variety"? Where's the singing? Where's the dancing? Where's the comedy? Okay, the guy putting snakes up his nose might count as comedy for some of you people, but I like to draw a distinction between "Variety" and "Carny Geeks". (11) World Class Trains -- Travel A tour of southern Africa aboard the Rovos Rail line includes stops at the city of Pretoria, South Africa's Kruger National Park in the Transvaal region and the wine regions. I smell a BBC program. (It's on PBS, it must have been made in England.) (25)(64) Simpsons It's a rerun of the episode where Homer builds a backyard barbecue grill. If memory serves, he finds Lucille Ball's wedding ring in the middle of it. (38) (Movie: ***, 1991) Soapdish -- Comedy Oh, joy, a movie with Whoopi Goldberg in a wacky role. I'm tired of seeing her in all those serious roles. (44) America's Scenic Rail Journeys A trip on the restored passenger cars of the Sierra Madre Express as it travels through Mexico's Copper Canyon, which includes 88 tunnels and 38 bridges. "...all of which I will show you now." I smell a BBC program. (It's on PBS, it must have been made in England.) PBS: YOUR SOURCE FOR EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMS FOR PRE-SCHOOLERS AND LOTS OF SHOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW OF TRAINS THEY'RE NOT ON. (50) (Movie: ****, 1981) Raiders of the Lost Ark -- Adventure Hmm, I wonder if this has ever been on TV before? (56) Sister, Sister -- Comedy Jordan (Deon Richmond) becomes a regular co-host on Tamera's radio talk show, boosting ratings -- and Tamera's blood pressure. Victor: Richard Lawson. (Repeat) (Richard Lawson, host of "Lamily Lewd".) In the fifties, sitcoms stars always entered sweepstakes to come up with jingles for Kellogg's "Pep" flakes. In the nineties, they all host radio call-in shows. It's TWO, TWO, TWO shows in one! It's like listening to a radio show while watching TV! You can SEE someone wearing huge headphones and talking into a microphone! And the people who call in are stupid! That's what makes it funny! (A&E) Biography Profiling pro wrestler Bret Hart. Fifty thousand scientists, explorers, generals, executives, and mass murderers in the world, and they gotta pick a pro wrestler to profile. Not even a real wrestler, a PRO wrestler. Also, TV Guide didn't tell me what type of program "Biography" is. I'll fix it: (A&E) Biography -- Pro Wrestling (I should warn those of you outside the USA that now we're into the cable channels and things are just going to get lamer.) (AMC) (Movie, ***, 1967) The Flim-Flam Man -- Comedy Genial farce, with [...] I got as far as "genial farce" before I skipped ahead. (BET) Changed Lives -- Religion Would YOU trust a religious program on a channel whose very name encourages GAMBLING??? (BRV) Inside the Actors Studio Robert De Niro talks about his films. Actually, the host talks about how much he likes Robert De Niro, the greatest actor who ever lived, with the guest squeezing in a word edgewise every now and then. (The episode where whats-his-name sucked up to Martin Landau, the greatest actor who ever lived, was truly precious. As was "Mr. Show's" parody of this show, which sorely needed to be parodied. Unlike "The View", which does need to be parodied, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS PEOPLE ARE PARODYING IT! ENOGH ABOUT "THE VIEW" ALREADY!) (CNB) Ushuala -- Magazine I have no idea what this is, since there's no description other than "Magazine" after a word with lots of vowels. How come there are no paper periodicals which claim to be television? (CNN) CNN & Time -- Current Events I stand corrected. "Time" is printed on paper, therefore the TV version of "Time" CAN'T be a "magazine", it has to be "current events" because it thinks it's better than those "magazine"s because it's actually a magazine. (COM) Saturday Night Oh, joy, an episode of "Saturday Night Live" from two years ago. It's not live. It's not even Saturday. And even if it was, it's from one of The Bad Years (1980 - 1999). Comedy Central only has rights to reruns of The Bad Years; they advertise them as "Saturday Night Live: The Next Generation". I think this is an allusion to the way Patrick Stewart's acting isn't a tenth as funny as William Shatner's. (CRT) (Movie, made-for-TV, 1986) Blood & Orchids -- Drama Passion and prejudice fuel the investigation into the rape of a woman in 1937 Hawaii. Kris Kristofferson, Jane Alexander. a> It's a made-for TV movie. (Actually a mini-series, because it's three and a half hours long.) b> It's a period piece made in the 1980s. c> Starring Kris Kristofferson. d> Being rerun on Court TV, the all-O.J. network. SO, IS THIS WORTH WATCHING??? (CSP) Booknotes Hey, the Congressional channel's doing book reports. Find out what your Senators are reading. And whether it has "Lewinski" in the title. (Actually, this show is probably considerably more boring than that. For those of you who don't get C-SPAN: They set up a camera on a tripod in the middle of the Senate and leave it on 24 hours a day. So you can watch senators making impassioned speeches about canola oil subsidies. Sometimes when C-SPAN is feeling charitable they have someone operating the camera so that they can swing it around to show that the guy is making a speech in AN EMPTY ROOM, but usually they just leave the camera sitting there while the senators pretend to be addressing their fellow members, WHO HAVE NO OBJECTIONS WHATSOEVER TO THIS BRILLIANT RHETORIC.) (DIS) Darkwing Duck You know, it's that Disney cartoon that has people foiling jewel thieves, only they're not people, they're animals. Someday someone needs to send Disney Inc. a telegram, "ENOUGH WITH THE JEWEL THIEVES! ENOUGH WITH THE FUNNY ANIMALS! TRY DRAWING PEOPLE FOR A CHANGE! TRY HAVING THEM DO SOMETHING NOT INVOLVING JEWEL THIEVES! WATCH SOME HANNA-BARBERA CARTOONS SO YOU CAN LEARN SOME NEW PLOTS! LIKE PEOPLE SMUGGLING COUNTERFEIT MONEY IN A HAUNTED HOUSE!" (DSC) Shipwreck! The 1956 collision between the cruise-ships Andrea Doria and Stockholm. Never trust anything with an Exclamation Point! in the title. (You can imagine the Discovery Channel executives sitting around saying, "Hmm, I don't think shipwrecks are exciting." "How about if we add an exclamation point?" "NOW they're exciting!") (E!) Hot Young Hollywood Never trust a channel with an E!xclamation P!oint in its letter. ("E!" is 24 hours a day of "entertainment news". Plus a camera pointed at Howard Stern while he does his radio show.) (ESN) Baseball New York Yankees at Boston. (Live) It's just the Yankees playing the Red Sox. I'm boycotting until they learn to spell "Socks". And "Yanquis". (ES2) Drag Racing The final round of the NHRA Northwest Nationals in Seattle. They always hold drag-racing tournaments in coastal cities, but they're never smart enough to point the dragstrip into the ocean to make it fun. (FAM) (Movie, made-for-TV, 1988) Earthquake in New York Greg Evigan plays a [...] Sorry, I can't read past the words "Greg Evigan". (FNC) O'Reilly Factor Another mystery program with no description. I'm guessing this starrs Gary Burghoff as a crime-fighting supercop who crushes drug kingpins in a lawless world of the future by using his wits, his lazer sword, and the Radar O'Reilly Factor. (IN THE FUTURE LOTS OF PEOPLE WILL BE NAMED "RADAR"! AT LEAST THE ONES WITH THE ANTENNAE!) (FS) Motorcycle Racing AMA Supersport action in Brainerd, Minn. Taped earlier today. And then the cast of "Family Matters" moved to Brainerd and Urkel drew a while line down the middle of the town to separate it into Brain and Nerd but then he couldn't decide which half to live in. A Very Special Episode. (Just to the south of me is the town of "Braintree", which conjures up a lovely mental image. And then that makes you think of "toiletries".) (H&G) Before and After No description. "Before I was an H, now I'm a G!" (HIS) Tales of the Gun "Guns of the Bizarre" looks at one-of-a-kind guns made for self-defense. "Guns of the Bizarre" is the SECOND most Kibological title of the evening. Stay tuned. (LIF) (Movie, made-for-TV, 1995) The Unspoken Truth -- Drama Chronicling the fact-based ordeal of a trusting wife (Lea Thompson) whose abusive husband entangles her in a murder. I forget, is Lea Thompson the same person as Tea Leoni, or are they different, like Lee Horsley and Tom Selleck? (MAX) (Movie, **) Gremlins -- Thriller Zach Galligan, Hoyt Axton This is the canonical "What do we do now? Oh, let's just go to the K-Mart and knock everything over one at a time" movie. (MSN) Charles Grodin -- Interview They don't say he's interviewing. It doesn't matter, people just tune in to see if he's forgotten to take his medication again. (MTV) Beavis and Butthead's Most Dangerous Episodes -- Comedy Remember, "Beavis & Butthead" is a comedy, "Daria" is a cartoon, and "The Simpsons" isn't categorized in TV Guide's weird little universe. (By the way, "Daria" is one of my favorites. Especially the parts where she makes cynical, sarcastic comments about all the crap that's on TV. And all you have to do to watch it is watch MTV until "Road Rules" ends fifteen minutes late.) (NIK) Animorphs -- Fantasy Rachel has an accident while in "hawk morph". It's like "Manimal" only for kids. It's "Kidimal". (SCI) Dark Skies -- Drama Is this the one based on the true story of Nostradamus predicting the alien invasion where you could only kill them by poking their eyes out, or the one where Ray Walston is the sheriff fighting the nth-dimensional creatures invading Scotland? And why doesn't the Sci-Fi Channel show anything good any more, like "Space: 1999"? (SHO) (Movie, made-for-TV) Restless Spirits -- Fantasy Marsha Mason. All I know about this one is that it's in the same category as "Animorphs" and they misspelled "Marilyn Manson". (TBS) (Movie, ****, 1996) Fargo -- Crime Drama The Coen Brothers' sly drama about a policewoman (Frances McDormand) who is trying to determine how several murders and a kidnapping are linked. Don't let the fact that TV Guide called it a "sly drama" fool you, this is the best movie within a mile of 8:00. Also don't ask me to draw lines between "Drama", "Crime Drama", "Action", and "Adventure". (But I'd be more than happy to draw lines between "Comedy", "Comedy-Drama", and "Drama" because one of those three guarantees it's bad.) I like "Fargo" a lot, although when I saw it I felt cheated because Frances McDormand's character is nine months pregnant through the whole movie and SHE NEVER GIVES BIRTH IN A STUCK ELEVATOR!!! NOT EVEN ONCE!!! (TCM) (Movie, ***, 1964) The Pink Panther -- Comedy Blake Edwards' romp about jewel thieves in high society. Peter Sellers. [Shown in letter-box format.] Actually it's a "Comedy-Crime Drama". This isn't a bad movie, although after seeing a few of these you start wondering if watching Peter Sellers doing a wacky accent and falling down just might not be the best use of his wonderful talents. Also note that TV Guide writes "The Coen Brothers'" with the apostrophe at the end to indicate there are two of them, just like the two people named Blake Edward. (TLC) The Operation A hair-transplant. "And which hair would you like transplanted today, sir?" "Let's start with the one in the middle. After three or four more, I can comb it over." "Wonderful, sir!" I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING A JOKE ABOUT COMB-OVERS BUT IT WILL KEEP ME FROM HAVING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT AIRLINE PEANUTS LATER. (TNN) In-Fisherman -- Al Lindner I don't know what "In-Fisherman" is (an actual fishing trip inside a fisherman?) but I do know that it's in that "Al Lindner" category. So it can't be a comedy or a drama. It could still be good, as long as it's not labelled "Comedy-Lindner-Drama". (TNT) (Movie, ***, 1987) Moonstruck [...] Cher [...] Sorry, I could only read the middle word of that one before tearing that page out of TV Guide accidentally while trying to tear out one of the twelve stiff cardboard "Official Star Trek Musical Dinner Plates Of The Proud Native Americans" inserts. (USA) GvsE -- Comedy-Drama Chandler's buried in a coffin filling with water. Yeah, sounds like a comedy hyphen drama all right. I just hope it's Chandler from "Friends". NEXT WEEK, ROSS HAS HIS FACE PECKED OFF BY BIRDS!!! IT'S A COMEDY-DRAMA! THAT'S LIKE A COMEDY WITH 50% LESS COMEDY!!! (VH1) 100 Greatest Women of Rock and Roll -- Profile The countdown concludes. See, it has to be a "Profile" because it can't be a "Biography" because it doesn't have any pro wrestling. Anyway, those are all the shows that TV Guide lists for 8:00 tonight (about 1/3 of the channels I get -- I have one of those bizarro two-axis cable feeds where the channels have X,Y coordinates ranging from "1,A" to "55,B".) But, of course, "The Ben Stiller Show" marathon is on from 6:00 (starting RIGHT NOW!) to 12:30, so it conflicts with all the wonderful stuff above, as well as with most anything else I might want to videotape later tonight: (10:00 highlights) (38) Wild Things -- Wildlife Mountain gorillas in Uganda; a piranha feeding frenzy. Also: wildlife of the African plains; baby penguins. Aww, the penguins are so cute... hey, wait, are those piranha supposed to be eating them? Mommy! (I think I may watch that one because I have seen piranha feeding frenzies up close, but only with one piranha at a time, and they're plenty scary even in ones. I'd like to see some nice footage of a school of a hundred piranhas skeletonizing a cow in 0.8 seconds.) (HIS) Banking with Hitler See, I told you that "Guns of the Bizarre" was the second most Kibological title of the evening. (MTV) Scared Straight! '99 The show where they take Bad Kids and send them to Moonbase Alpha. Alas, the Ben Stiller marathon means I'll have to miss "Mystery Science Theater 3000" tonight (11:00 - 1:00), which is showing "Squirm", the movie in which giant millipedes that people think are worms come out of shower nozzles very, very, very slowly. I suspect Mike and the 'bots will mention at least once that these alleged worms have lots of large obvious legs. And move really slowly. And can be bought at local pet stores. Anyway, I'll catch the rerun. (The FINAL episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is next week, by the way. I'm still praying they're going to do "Star Trek V", which the Sci-Fi channel does own broadcast rights to.) Also, at 9:00 there's a rerun of the episode of Michael Moore's show where a court order prohibits him from coming within 100 feet of Conan O'Brien. Now go watch TV. -- K. If you don't watch your TV, it might be watching you! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A GIANT FLAMING POLL Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:22:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > What is the oddest thing(s) that have happened to you while you were in a > moving car? > > 1) I was young. I was playing with a Transformer. It was a Decepticon called > 'Thundercracker'. (This was back when toys were toys, not fragile plastic > shells). I grew tired of the toy and tossed it behind me. Only, the back > window was open a little bit (a device was used to push it open a few inches) > and Thundercracker slipped right through. I wonder whatever happened to it. I think it fell out. DO I WIN? Wait, let me change my answer -- I think it fell out and you started to cry and your parents said, "If you're going to lose them, we're not going to let you have any more Transformers!" and took all your toys away and played them with in the part of the house where you weren't allowed to go. DO I WIN? If not, I'm gonna keep changing my answer until I win, or until you cry. -- K. The power of the Internet is to make other people cry. Or to at least let you pretend you did. HA HA! CAN'T STOP ME FROM PRETENDING! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A GIANT FLAMING POLL Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:38:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > What is the oddest thing(s) that have happened to you while you were in a > > moving car? > > I was driving down PCH a couple of summers ago, a lovely sun-glazed > afternoon, and I had the windows open and the music blaring. As I > was passing through Big Sur, there were a bunch of people fly-fishing > off a bridge, and damned if I didn't get a fishhook right in the > eyeball. I swerved and slammed into the railings, crushing the legs > of two of the fly-fishers, but just missing the bastard who had rendered > me non-depth-perceptive for life. Your career as the guy who cut up "Flintstones" cels to make Viewmaster discs was RUINED! So they had to hire someone else to stack up the things in the wrong order. (What percentage of Viewmaster discs had things in the wrong depth-sort order? I think about 20% had at least one depth error... not counting the ones that had actual photographs, like the one of "The Omega Glory", the only "Star Trek" episode to have been filmed in 3-D. How many of you will admit to having seen "The Omega Glory" in your Viewmasters?) > Enraged and with adrenalin surging through my veins, I jumped out of the > smashed car, ignoring both the blaring horn and my two broken ribs, and > ran over to the bastard, who I could just barely make out through a film > of blood. I grabbed him by the lapels of his L.L. Bean jacket, yelled > incoherently into his terrified face, and then threw him over the > bridge. Fortunately, Ted Kennedy dove into the water and saved him. Sorry, just trying to maintain the realism. > As he plummeted down onto the rocks below, screaming "Aaas... youuuu... > wiiiiiiish!", I came to the realization that the man I had thrown over a > bridge was none other than Wesley, the love of my life. Wait, he wasn't in "The Omega Glory". You're confusing Wesley Crusher with that guy who secretly replaced his crew with Folger's crystals. It's an easy mistake to make, because you were thinking "Crusher" and confused the guy who turned his crew to white crystals with that guy who turned people into cuboctahedra and then crushed them into piles of white crystals. (NOTE THAT UNLIKE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE", I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CUBE AND A CUBOCTAHEDRON. THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" ANY MORE, BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW THEIR SEMI-REGULAR POLYHEDRA. I BET THEY COULDN'T EVEN TELL A SNUB CUBE FROM ITS ENANTIOMORPH.) > Without thought, I threw myself after him, and by holding my arms close to my > body and tilting myself appropriately, I managed to catch up with him as > we fell. We wrestled for the single parachute for brief seconds, the > ground looming dangerously above our heads when we were upside down, > until I finally managed to wrench it away from him, hurriedly put it on, > snap the safety locks into place and pull the release cord. I laughed > maniacally as my lover screamed once more, and he managed to fire off a > couple of wild shots from his wrist-triggered poison dart gun before his > brains jacksonpollocked onto the hard, unyielding reality of Nature's > canvas. My parachute lowered me gently down onto the sandy beach, and I > rushed to remove it before anyone saw me. I heard the soft "thud-thud" > behind me as the two people Wesley had hit up on the bridge with his > dart gun finally landed, but I had no time for them: the deployment of > the car's airbag had already notified Hertz by satellite that an > accident had occurred, and the GPS implanted in my brain by the friendly > folk at the agency pinpointed my location exactly. As opposed to pinpointing your location inexactly. Which, of course, is what the civilian version of GPS does. There's a GPS Pharmacy in Chinatown. I think they sell meds with little radio transmitters hidden in them. I'm guessing that's how the exploding aspirin got implanted inside James Coburn's nose in that perfectly serious spy movie. > The new rental car drove up quickly, tires crunching on the gravel. The > valet jumped out and tossed the keys at me with a wink and a grin, and > disappeared before my eyes in a bad special effect. He re-appeared > right next to me a brief nano-second later, looked around in confusion > for a moment before getting his bearings, and then shrugged his > shoulders in an "oh well!" expression, and started trudging down the > beach. I jumped into the car, allowing the artificial intelligence to > mold the seat around my body in ergonomic comfort as I plugged the > neural net connection into the back of my head. Slashing through the > endless maze of menus and pull-down options I managed to select a > destination before slumping into unconsciousness, the car's nano-robots > already whirring around my body, slicing away clothing and repairing the > internal damage before I bled to death. Why does it have to be before? I think it would be a better story if you died, because nano-robots can fix anything. Plus then you could tell us what it's like to die and then you could come back and turn to white crystals so you could tell us whether dying in a car is better than being a pile of moth crystals. > As the car drove off under AI control and the world around me went > black, I remember thinking to myself, "Someone seems to have left a > Transformer toy wedged in the window. How extraordinarily odd!". Then > the darkness took over, and I didn't wake up until the car was turning > in to the entrance of the castle fortress of the mad Professor Von > Vonvon, 17 hours later. Oh, dear old Professor Ludzig Ludxig Ludwig Ludvig Von Vonvon. That reminds me, someone should tell Monthy Python that they weren't funny, because they used lots of funny names, and Roger Ebert says funny names are never funny. Hey, on today's episode, Roger Ebert's replacement Siskel was Joyce Kulhawik, Channel 7's local "critic", who loves, loves, loves 95% of what she sees (and detests the other 5%.) After Ebert's reviews three of hers started "ROGER, I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE!" and one started "ROGER, I COULDN'T DISAGREE WITH YOU MORE!" (Re that last one, she didn't like the movie about Siamese twins because she didn't learn enough about Siamese twins from it.) > Climbing out of the car in the bespoke suit tailored by the nano-robs, I > took a second to look around and take in the breathtaking mountain view > while the car folded itself up securely. I picked up the cigarette- > case-sized box that now lay at my feet, put it in my breastcoat pocket > and checked my holster for my Baretta. I started walking towards the > imposing main doors that swung mysteriously open as I approached. Then > I remembered: I had forgotten to take the wine out of the car. I swore > as I hurriedly pulled the cigarette case out of the jacket, Chateau > Pope-du-Merde '74 spilling lurid red all over the silk. Oh well... at > least I had remembered to take out the tuna hot dish. > > And then, this one day, I died. Imagine that! Too late, already did. -- K. I just make it up as I go along, because planning your death in advance would count as "premeditation". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An idea whose time has come Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:59:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The interwocky has it's Dancing Baby with it's nearly infinite variations. > I'm sure you're all aware of the Dancing Baby web pages that list > literally hundreds of variations of our original little CGI pal. There's > the gymnast, the one that's drunk and pissing, etc. Yes sirree Bob, good > clean fun that's appropriate for the entire family. > > But what we need is someone to start putting together the Dancing Bear > CGI. An initial simple Dancing Bear wearing a tutu and doing a few simple > twirls is all that's needed and then the creative frenzy can begin! A few > ideas of what I one day hope to see include: > > - The Dancing Bear of Bullshit > - The Congaing Dancing Bear > - The Fractal Dancing Bear > - TEN MILLION GLOWING SPARKLING EXPLODING DANCING BEARS OF EXTREME > OBVIOUSNESS > > So could someone who actually knows how to do this stuff please get > started right away? Try to have something ready by next Thursday as > that's when my homework is due. Slap this one together, but be sure to make it crash and burn if anyone requests dancing hamsters. -- K. Things I never need to see again: * More Blockbuster commercials with the creepy computer-generated dancing baby * More journalists referring to "The computer-animated dancing baby from 'Ally McBeal'" * Ally McBeal * "The Hamster Dance" * Any film starring a Dom DeLuise as the voice of a talking skateboard