Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: R*: Tr*v*l*a sh**ts f*lm b*s*d on b**k by S*i*nt*l*gy f**nd*r Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 02:57:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [funny stuff which I [Leah], once again, snipped in favor of one sentence] > > > > BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT! > > > YAAAAAAAY! > We have anothah WINNAH! > BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF > BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING > BEARS OF BULLSHIT!BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF BULLSHIT! > > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > DANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHITDANCINGBEARSOFBULLSHIT > > > So NOW who the hell wants to Squiggle???? You know, I don't like to swear, especially here on this family Internet. But there is no more appropriate word than "bullshit" from things which are bullshitty. Here, take this example: [Time magazine's "Technology" section, August 2, 1999] > > Jobs' Golden Apple > > With the new iBook onstage and Toy Story 2 in the wings, Steve Jobs has > plenty to smile about > > by Michael Krantz > > It's a classic tale, told and retold through the ages: the hero reaches > for greatness but fails, finds wisdom and maturity in scarred exile, > then comes home to save his dying kingdom in Act III. Watching Steve Jobs > hold his gorgeous new iBook triumphantly aloft before his assembled legions > at last week's MacWorld convention in New York City, it was easy to > imagine Apple Computer's interim-CEO-for-life perched somewhere in the > pantheon between Odysseus and Simba the Lion King. If that's not bullshit, I don't know what is. I have never before heard godlike qualities ascribed to someone just because they decided "consumer-oriented" computers should look like purses. FROM NOW ON, ALL TV SETS WILL HAVE PINK DAISIES STICKING OUT OF THEM! I GUESS THAT MAKES ME YOUR SUPREME OVERLORD! -- K. Somewhere, Xiamara Roberts is regretting writing that coffee mug. WHOOSH! TEN MILES PAST THE McIRVIN OBSCURITY LIMIT! NOT EVEN DAVID PACHECO CAN RETRIEVE THAT REFERENCE FROM BEYOND THE VEILED HORIZON OF INFINITE OBSCURANTISM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Confidential. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:01:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Samantha Wilkinson (sammie@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Confidential to Samantha Wilkinson: I think I left my shirt in the > > back of your car tonight. Don't worry about it, but if you sell squares > > of it to tourists I want at least 50%. > > So, yesterday I notice our little cat, Niobe, plop herself down on the > laundry pile and start wriggling around. I think she wants to be petted, > so I stoop down only to realize that she is enthusiastically rubbing her > entire body against something in a manner which under normal > circumstances involves large amounts of catnip. So, what is this object > that elicits such an estatic response in our cat? You guessed it, Kibo's > shirt. > > I started to think that maybe Essence of Kibo was a highly powerful cat > attractor, but our other cat seemed uninterested in his shirt. So either > our little cat is hopelessly weird (which fits with the rest of the > evidence to date) or she really, really, really likes Kibo. This is an "inclusive or", right? > P.S. The circumstances under which I obtained Kibo's shirt are far less > interesting than what the reader is thinking. Oh, like I'd sleep with you if you were HALF as leggy as my current wife, television's Drusilla-tastic Juliet Landau. -- K. Also I need to buy more of that catnip-flavored Old Spice antiperspirant. Of course, there's one flavor that cats like more than that: Old Mice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:16:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor dphayes@my-deja.com, who forgot to bring a Real Name, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The PowerBook G3 has a PC Card (aka PCMCIA) slot, into which I could > > add a cellular modem in case I ever want to post "Hey! This McDonalds > > in Nova Scotia has a weird hand dryer!" and have it hit the Internet > > before I leave, thus scooping Archimedes Plutonium. > > > In the interest of public health, please scoop Archimedes Plutonium. Mmm, two scoops of crackpot enhance the soapy taste of Kellogg's Dishwasher Flakes! "Look, Mom, I cleaned the bowl just by eating it! And I can see my face!" "That's a bunny painted on the bottom, Junior." "Oh boy! Someday when I grow up, I want to be a bunny, or maybe just a dishwasher!" > (or curb your dog) Waah! I scooped Archimedes Plutonium and now I can't curb my dog! Spot's gonna poo all over because thirty minutes ago I used up the "inclusive or" meme in a different article! THERE IS A GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF "INCLUSIVE OR"S! FROM NOW ON PLEASE ONLY USE "XOR" WHEN MAKING DECISIONS THAT MIGHT AFFECT YOUR LIFE! NOP HEAVY MACHINERY! NAND TAKE INTERNALLY! NAND! NAND! NOP! EIEIO! DILUTE! -- K. NOP is the most important instruction in your computer, because without it you wouldn't be able to remove the copy-protection from your pirated warez. I hear that to prevent piracy, Intel is discontinuing NOPs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 04:19:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > THERE IS A GLOBAL SHORTAGE OF "INCLUSIVE OR"S! FROM NOW ON PLEASE > > ONLY USE "XOR" WHEN MAKING DECISIONS THAT MIGHT AFFECT YOUR LIFE! > > NOP HEAVY MACHINERY! NAND TAKE INTERNALLY! NAND! NAND! NOP! > > EIEIO! DILUTE! > > > > -- K. > > > > NOP is the most important instruction in your computer, > > because without it you wouldn't be able to remove the > > copy-protection from your pirated warez. I hear that > > to prevent piracy, Intel is discontinuing NOPs. > > Stop trolling - everybody knows it's PowerPCs that don't have a NOP. Well, duh, that's because it's RISC, which means that all instructions have to be the same length, and so you can't have NOPs because on a normal processor NOPs take zero time to execute and thus are zero length. > They suggest you use "ori 0,0,0" instead, twisting this thread > into a nasty Moebius strip of made out of pure plutonium. > > Or did I just get run over Kibo's train of thought? No, because it was actually a Motorola 68k-series joke, not an Apple/IBM/Motorola PowerPC joke. See the "EIEIO" above? For those of you who don't know the rudiments of assembly language (and the rudiments of languages are my specialty -- I never bother learning anything beyond the rudiments) here's the diagram: When they added a pipeline* to the 68k series (chips like the 68040 have a pipeline, the 68000 didn't) they had to add an instruction that would enforce linear execution of instructions, in case you were doing some weird register-twiddling that had to complete before the next instruction started. But they figured the new instruction had to be something that wouldn't make old 68000s crash, namely, it had to be something which turned into a NOP** on 68000s. In other words, they made NOP _do_something_ on a 68040. The NOP was renamed "Execute In Exact Instruction Order" if I remember my stupid computer acronyms. So basically I was referring to the fact that Motorola decided that they needed to make the "don't do anything" instruction start doing things. * pipelining is when your computer is doing the last third of instruction A at the same time as the middle of instruction B and the beginning of instruction C. Most computers do this. Pentiums have two pipelines (sort of -- one's kind of crippled). ** NOP = "no operation", the computer code that just wastes space and doesn't make the computer do anything. To remove a feature from a program someone else wrote -- as in taking out the part of Pac-Man that makes you die when you run out of lives -- you find that part of the program and change it to NOP NOP NOP NOP NOP. I've probably got that wrong somewhere but I'm sure someone who is much nerdier than I am will correct me. > ARK needs to construct a Markov chain of all it's memes. Yeah, I should update that one I constructed two years ago. ftp://ftp.std.com/pub/alt.religion.kibology/diagram_joke.pdf But what I was thinking about this morning is that there are probably many novice Kibologists who feel excluded from my wacky rants because the lack the experience with cultural obscurantism I have honed since birth. In other words, we need My First Big Fat Dictionary Of Kibological Cultural Literacy so that when I mention Ensign Greenbean, or Starr Wirth, or Manly Bannister, or Helga Zepp-LaRouche, or Linn Boyd Benton, or Hanna-Maria Poropudas, they'll know that I'm not just making up silly names. NOT THAT "MANLY BANNISTER" ISN'T A SILLY NAME, OF COURSE. -- K. I still need to write that series of science-fiction novels about the adventures of an elderly President shooting down Russian satellites while finding true love, under my pen name, Brass Bannister. Oh god, I think I just pulled my McIrvin Limit muscle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 02:52:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Poot Rootbeer" wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've probably got that wrong somewhere but I'm sure someone who is > > much nerdier than I am will correct me. > > The part you got wrong is that 68000-class processors don't have EIEIO, and > PowerPC's do, according to my Motorola Programmer's Manuals. But I trust > Kibo more than books, so I'll just make a few corrections in the texts. Oh, whatever. It's not like it matters, because EIEIO doesn't do anything. Unless it shouldn't. In which case it does. But where nobody can see it. Besides, I had the Motorola 6502C "User's Manual" consisting of the piece of yellow cardboard with a list of most of the opcodes, most of which were documented correctly. So I'm still sore at learning assembly language programming on a machine whose 6502 development environment crashed and burned if you ever used the Y register (you could use the OTHER register, of the TWO registers, all you wanted) and the only documentation on how assembly language worked was this card that Motorola allowed Atari to give away. Still, it could have been worse. Atari could have written their own card. These were the people whose DOS 2.0 manual told me it was pronounced like the Spanish number 2, and to this day I have to fight the urge to incorrectly correct the pronunciation of every MS-DOS user in the world. -- K. So how come nobody ever pronounced it "do's"? Then you could call MS-DOS "messy do's" and everyone would make fun of Bill Gates for having a bad hairstyle. I wish you could do that. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 19:20:22 GMT Organization: HappyNet Headquarters I recently wrote: > > "Poot Rootbeer" wrote: > > > > The part you got wrong is that 68000-class processors don't have EIEIO, > > and PowerPC's do, according to my Motorola Programmer's Manuals. But > > I trust Kibo more than books, so I'll just make a few corrections in > > the texts. > > Oh, whatever. It's not like it matters, because EIEIO doesn't do anything. > Unless it shouldn't. In which case it does. But where nobody can see it. Just to raise the nerdity quotient of the newsgroup, I am going to follow up to my own posting, and quote from a book I got really, really, really cheap in the remainder bin at Microbe Center: [re the 68040 emulator on PowerPC Macs] Finally, the emulator gets a chance to use the must fun PowerPC instruction: EIEO. As described in Chapter 5, EIEIO (enforce in-order execution of I/O) makes sure that write operations to memory are performed in the order that the software being executed specifies. With many RISC architectures, the processor could deliberately reorder writes to memory [as opposed to those that do it accidentally?] to improve performance. In instances where writing to memory controls I/O devices, such reordering can cause big problems. The Power Macs' emulator interprets the 68k NOP instruction (no operation) and executes an EIEIO. On pipelined versions of the 68040, a NOP has the same effect as EIEIO anyway. So we're both right. I HATE THAT!!! Of course, this book also says my computer's supposed to be able to run Windows NT and Solaris. Hey, do I have to upgrade from a LaserWriter II to a LaserWriter II NT to use Windows NT? -- K. So how come Congress is all worried about that silly Y2K bug that won't bother anyone, but they never did anything about the 46-day thingie in Win95? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:55:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I tried to send a friend of mine a deja.com site for Kibo's "review > of the iBook", as it were... and since I used the punchline as the > search parameter, I didn't want to send him the URL as-is because > it would spoil itself. > > Then I noticed, after I had sent it, that it had kept the search > on file and there was an ad that said: "BUY world's gayest computer > at Brands For Less" You might want to settle for The World's Second Gayest Computer, which is a dollar cheaper. And only half of it is turquoise. (The part nearest the purse handle.) I think this is a clever new marketing strategy of Apple's: The old method of marketing to guys with ponytails wasn't as profitable as just marketing their computers to the gay community, because less than 10% of men have ponytails. Have you noticed that Miller Lite has decided to be the official beer of gayness? In many of the gay bars I have been walking right past, there's been a big neon "Miller Lite" sign with a gay-pride rainbow coming out. (In more ways than one.) And CNN Headline news, in order to keep me informed of important events, showed me a Miller Lite ad that they were only printing in gay men's magazines and not, say, showing on CNN Headline News. CNN Headline News. It's the place where people get free advertising just by developing ads that can't be shown in normal places. "Hey, you can't show this ad for 'Kondoms For Kidz' here on CNN! Hey, that's a news story! Now we'll show it for free while we talk about how no legitimate network would show this commercial!" Anyway, it's intriguing that Miller has given up on marketing Lite Beer to straight people. Because, of course, gay people and straight people are biologically unable to drink the same kinds of beer. > I looked for the "More Headers" button but it was GONE! Damn! > I tried clicking the thread and going to the message through > there but that only made the URL longer, even though it got > rid of the punchline in the URL. > > http://x37.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=506854931&search=thread&CONTEXT=933456373.784924721&HIT_CONTEXT=933456373.784924721&HIT_NUM=7&hitnum=0 You know, you could just do http://x37.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=506854931 ...unless you want to let us all see your context. And what a lovely context it is. I didn't know anyone read alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.armpits! Or, of course, you could just go to the easy-to-remember http://www.kibo.com/rawdata ...where all of my recent posts are available in convenient enormous chunks. (The article in question should appear in a few hours, as I update it weekly and today's the day the new batch gets posted.) -- K. Someday you'll be allowed to use my replacement for DejaNews, but I've got other things I want to finish first... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.online-service.webtv From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: screen savers Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:22:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "The Hurdy Gurdy Man" (bryan@tep12.ucsd.edu) wrote: > > In alt.online-service.webtv, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's this new service which transmits "push media" channels that > > will fill the entire desktop area of your screen with random stuff > > while you're idle. > > Is it _the_ Kibo? Like the real, genuine, Kibo of Internet lore? Well, > if so, it's an honor to be paid a visit by you. MAW! SOMEONE'S DONE BEEN EDUCATIN' THE ALT.ONLINE-SERVICE.WEBTV PEOPLES A-GAIN! > As a coincidence, you were used as an example at WebTV for how the security > people might keep an eye on the newsgroups to watch for posts of WebTV > service security exploits. WebTV Makes An Example Of Kibo. Film At 11. Hmm, "film", idea... WebMovie. It would be just like an ordinary movie theater except you could click on things on the screen while the movie is playing. And there would be this big red Telestrator-style crayon where you could scribble all over Jar Jar Binks whenever he shows up. > Sort of an "Evil Kibo." Probably would have called the monitoring program > "Kai Bo," but that was before Tai Bo came out so the name wouldn't have > seemed so tacky. So the "Tai Bo" guy, Jar Jar Binks, Joseph Hazelwood, and Bob Hope are trapped in an elevator together. I think it would go something like this... (SOUND OF BRAIN CELLS DYING) > For those WebTV users who don't know the lore of Kibo (as well as stories > of folks like Sergar Argic) I highly suggest you do a web search on > "internet folklore" (as well as on "Kibo" and "Sergar Argic"). There's > some great stories to be found about Usenet use, misuse, and downright > abuse. Kibo is something of a legend, and a celebrity. > > And be careful when and where you post the word "turkey." Oh, I don't think the smart people need to worry about it. As long as you have an SAT score over 1500, you can say "turkey". -- K. So, I can say it TWO AND A HALF TIMES!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Random bloviation Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:33:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > > Not that it matters, but... > > [...] > > o What happened to Bob Oedekirk? Bob Eucker? Bob Dipthong? "Thumb Wars", diet drink infomericals, and I dewn't knaueio. > o Who would win in a fight between William Shatner's toupee and > John Saxon's toupee (as seen in "Enter The Drag Queen")? John Saxon's, because he was the start of *TWO* of Gene Roddenberry's TV series, "Project: Earth" and "Genesis II". > o "Hope is the thing without feathers". Let's pluck Bob Hope. Oh, like he still has any feathers at his age. > o I spent $1100 playing Warbirds over the last year. I am Death > Incarnate in a B-17. However, my hopes of leveraging these > skills into a gig piloting UAVs over Kosovo didn't pan out. Dear Darth Carnate In A B-17, Is a UAV an ultraviolet variant of a BVD? How about an ultraviolent BVD? UNDEROOS! THE UNDERWEAR THAT'S FUN TO WEAR! NOW DIE! > o I made a healthy multiple of the above sum developing VR worlds > for buyitonline.com using NTT's Interspace system (which imports > directly from 3DStudio and uses X-Lisp as a scripting language). > My Moonbase Alpha world is coming soon. Be sure to make it look like it's made out of cardboard. > o Speaking of Miss Bain, I found a source for Space:1999 (and other) > datasets; I'm thinking of hosting a Kibological Animation Contest. > Watch this space for further developments. Here's my entry: (1) Bob Hope and Groucho Marx are sitting on a couch in outer space. (2) Bob Hope says "I love my nose!" (3) Groucho says, "I love my cigar too but I set fire to it once in a while." (4) Lucille Ball sets fire to her nose. But the audience gasps in horror because at this point she's eighty years old. (5) Bob Hope and Groucho Marx, on their flying space couch, collide with Abraham Lincoln's fling space Barcalounger. (6) Captain Kirk and Abraham Lincoln beat up Bob Hope while Groucho Marx makes out with Lucille Ball in the movie "Room Service." (7) As he's being pummelled, Bob Hope wails, "BOY, DID I GET A WRONG NUMBER!" (8) Moonbase Alpha explodes for some reason. THE END. -- K. Okay, the reason it explodes is that nobody likes it. THE END. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Two Times Three Signs Of The Apocalypse. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 03:50:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Which trio of strange consumer products is the TRUE portent of the end of civilization as we know it? --- UNNATURAL SEAFOOD AT THE SUPERMARKET --- (a) As you probably know, last year, at a market in Chinatown, I bought some fried stingray rinds. (b) Gorton's "fish tenders" exist. They're like fish sticks. Only smaller. BUT THEY'RE BETTER BECAUSE THEY'RE "TENDERS"!!! Mmm, McNuggets of the sea. (c) Shrimp rings. I am not making this up. They look like onion rings. But they're made from shrimp. DO YOU THINK MAYBE IT'S GROUND UP? --- COMPUTER STORES NEED TO SELL YOU A JOYSTICK --- (a) Micro Center is selling a "professional joystick". (b) Today, in a catalog, I saw a "vertical mouse". Which, unsurprisingly, looked like a joystick. (c) A few weeks ago, at Best Buy, I noticed something a little odd about the display of joysticks... one of the ones in the middle was a little taller and less goofy-looking than the others, and was a nice shade of transparent blue with a bright yellow trigger. I walked over for a closer look and it was a bottle of Windex. I know one of those triads is going to destroy the world, but I'm not sure which one. I'm inclined to say it's the computer joystick ones, because, hey, it's Y2K already. -- K. I'LL SURE BE GLAD WHEN Y2K IS OVER ON JANUARY 2 AND THE COMPUTERS STOP CRASHING!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two Times Three Signs Of The Apocalypse. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:17:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Brack!" (guruzoo@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (a) As you probably know, last year, at a market in Chinatown, > > I bought some fried stingray rinds. > > Dont diss the stingray rinds. They're stingalicious! Oh, that's what you said about Allen Smithee's "Dune". > > (c) Shrimp rings. I am not making this up. They look like onion rings. > > But they're made from shrimp. DO YOU THINK MAYBE IT'S GROUND UP? > > I once lived in a hospital. And I'm not talking about I got run over > by a freight train so had to stay for a month or so, freight train month or so passenger train week or two model train treated and released NBC's "Atomic Train" treated for severe boredom NBC's "Supertrain" THE HOSPITAL DENIES ALL KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR EXISTENCE, YOU COULD NOT EXIST BECAUSE THERE NEVER WAS SUCH A SHOW AS NBC'S "SUPERTRAIN", THE TV SHOW THAT WAS TEN MILLION TIMES WORSE AN IDEA THAN ANYTHING ELSE EVER ON TV, INCLUDING "LANCELOT LINK, SECRET CHIMP" (After hearing about 50 times that "Supertrain" was the dumbest thing ever, I figure if I ever see an episode I'll be disappointed that it's not Worse Than Hitler.) > we lived there for a few years in a disused building they converted into > el cheapo student housing. The cafeteria had squid rings. Made of ground > squid. Squid is one of the few foods, like onions, that naturally turn > into rings. Whereas poor Spot naturally turns into stringray rinds. Every five minutes. "Waah!" cried Spot as he went to pieces. Besides, onions don't turn into rings. They turn into blossoms. And potatoes turn into curly fries. Don't YOU have any Ronco products in your home? > but someone somewhere is feeding them into a grinder and excreting them > into rings. "Oh no! Spot excreted into my ring! My wedding is ruined!" I'm sorry, but it's YOUR fault for using the word "excreting" on the Internet. -- K. STAND BY FOR ACTION! bum buppa bum buppa bum buppa bum STINGRAY... STINGRAY! bum buppa bum buppa bum buppa bum STINGRAY... STINGRAY! IIIIIIT DIIIIVES BEEEENEATH THE WAAAAAVES, FEARLESS AND FREE... STINGRAY... STINGRAY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: pain scales Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 04:00:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, "GORAN ©ILJEG" (GORAN.SILJEG@ZG.TEL.HR) wrote: > > I'm looking for all knowing methods for pain mesurement. > Goran, Croatia It's nice how the Internet helps bring people around the world together. -- K. "Does this recipe ask for level or heaping tablespoons of pain?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.astro,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Goodbye, my friend Alexander Abian, I miss you Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 31 Jul 1999 05:36:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology It saddens me to learn of the death of Alexander Abian from Archie Plutonium. Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > --- quoting newspaper --- > > ISU professor Abian dies > at 76 > By Rebecca Anderson > Staff Writer > AMES-- Iowa State University math > professor Alexander Abian didn‰t > receive extensive media attention > for developing the ‹set theory.Š Oh, yeah, all those nineteenth-century people like Georg Cantor and Bertrand Russell hogged all the credit by the time Zermelo wrote down his axioms in 1908. (Don't you wish science reporters would occasionally look up something and discover it had been invented before "Seinfeld"?) > He wasn‰t interviewed by newspapers > and television shows across the > world for his teaching methods. > He wasn‰t sought out for being the > distinguished academic that he > was. > > Instead, he became famous for > his theory that blowing up the > moon would solve the Earth‰s > problems. He thought removing > the moon from the solar system > would change the tilt of the earth, > which would solve problems such > as cancer, AIDS, overpopulation > and famine. > > Few people listened, and fewer > signed on to the theory, Hmm, I guess I was wrong when I said that science journalism in newspapers was never accurate. > but Prof. Abian remained optimistic, > accepting the fact that his theory > may not have been proven in his > lifetime. That life ended Saturday > at Mary Greeley Medical Center, > where Mr. Abian died of a heart > ailment. He was 76. > > ‹My dad was always one to > question something,Š said his son, > Andrew. ‹He did not take for > granted that (Earth) was the best > celestial object.Š > > Andrew Abian called his father a > radical Ö a word several physicists > and astronomers used to describe > his theory about destroying the > moon. He received enormous > media attention and gave > interviews to publications like > People, The Wall Street Journal > and Omni. > > Jim Peake, an assistant professor > of math at Iowa State and > associate chairman of the > department, said Mr. Abian gave > several interviews with television > stations across the ocean. > > He never tired from the media > attention because he felt people > were listening. They may not have > believed in his theory, he thought, > but they could have accepted > there was more to life than what > was in front of them. > > ‹He used it to promote the ideas of > challenging the acceptance of this > set-up we have,Š Andrew said. > > Mr. Abian was an Iranian Ö he was > born in Tabriz on New Year‰s Day > of 1923 Öwho moved to the United > States in 1952. He received an > undergraduate degree in Iran, a > master‰s degree at the University > of Chicago and a Ph.D. at the > University of Cincinnati. He taught > in Tennessee, New York and > Ohio before coming to Iowa State > in 1967. Exactly one hundred years after Cantor published his first paper in 1867! Of course, that's not an important date because Cantor didn't invent set theory until 1874. > It was in Ames where he > became distinguished in his > profession. He published three > books on mathematics, wrote > more than 240 papers and had > three theorems named after him. Not to mention the following immortal play (July 1998): --> A PLAY IN ONE ACT AND TWO LINES --> (by Alexander Abian) --> --> The curtain rises --> --> On the stage two (separate) armchairs. A is sitting on one and B --> on the other --> --> A: Darling, I have never betrayed you ! --> --> B: How could you have ? I have never trusted you! --> --> --> The curtain comes down --> --> The end > He was most widely known for his > work on set theory, which made > him famous in the academic world > in the 1970s. > > Most of his colleagues ignored > his, as they call it, eccentric moon > work from the latter portion of his > career. Today they remember him > for his dedication to his first calling > Ö mathematics. > > ‹He was a very dedicated teacher,Š > Peake said. ‹He enjoyed taking > famous results and doing them in > different ways so people could > understand them.Š > > Even after his retirement in 1993, > Abian would stop in the math > department in Carver Hall every > day just to talk with former > colleagues, Peake said. > > He taught for almost 30 years at > Iowa State. It was his work as a > teacher that made him most > famous to his colleagues. > > ‹He would sit with his students for > hours and continue to sit with > them until they got it right,Š said his > daughter, Lisa Magner. > > Mr. Abian has become somewhat > of a legend at Iowa State and the > rest of the world as the man who > wanted to blow up the moon, > Andrew said. Oh, like they hadn't heard of Martin Landau. > But to his family and > friends he was a normal man who > liked Beethoven, Picasso and > chocolate eclairs. > > Funeral services will be held > Thursday at 10 a.m. at Stevens > Memorial Chapel in Ames. Burial > will follow in Ames Municipal > Cemetery. > > --- end quote --- > > Abian was blessed to the Fields of Elysium. He was my friend. I have > a prayer for him. > > Carbon in him > Carbon of Plutonium > Fill him with life anew > That he my love > What thou dost love > And do what it superdetermines him to do > > Plutonium in him > Atom Plutonium > Thus shall he never die > But live with thee > Part in thy Proton divinity > Part in thy Electron infinity > Atom I had felt sad that Dr. Abian died, but now I feel ill. -- K. Also, I want to know what great scientist DOESN'T like chocolate eclairs. I should point out that I have Dr. Abian's permission (in writing) to reproduce his Usenet posts in book format, although I am uncertain there is enough interest to merit publication. (Alas, I don't have a copy of his treatise on how humanity evolved from "self-impregnating hermaphrodites.") Here are some of the most inspirational quotes I've collected from Dr. Abian. "I gave and give you NON-ANSWERS because that makes me feel secure and I act according to my (A3). Period." -- Alexander Abian, December 1992 "THE COSMOS IS ETERNALLY GOVERNED BY (A3) - NO WAY OUT" -- ibid "TIME HAS INERTIA ON JUDGMENT DAY I WILL PUT THE ENTIRE CREATION ON TRIAL." -- Alexander Abian, January 1993 "HERE is an example of highly unintuitive, highly nonstandard, highly profound, highly ABSTRACT example of MEASURE and INTEGRATION THEORY which reveals the naked essence of MEASURE and INTEGRATION theory without covering it with 200 tons of cosmetic lava." -- Alexander Abian, June 1993 "The present setup must be changed. The genius of mankind will not tolerate for the humans to be orbited around the Sun as a horde of blind-folded speechless slaves in a decadent pestiferous orbit which is continually infested with deadly viruses such as the virus of AIDS !!!" -- Alexander Abian, July 1993 "I am the first and the only person who singlehandedly has defined TIME AS MASS and proclaimed (**) THE EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS (a Nobel Prize deserving breakthrough !). Can you deny that ? Can you ?!" -- Alexander Abian, August 1993 "I asked him did the comic book stated also that T and M are in Abian's ? He hesitated and said 'I don't remember, maybe ' I said 'would you please identify yourself ' but he did hang up on me." -- Alexander Abian, August 1993 "Your sexually being aroused perhaps is partly due to VENUS." -- Alexander Abian, August 1993 "In other words an eigenvector of a square matrix is a vector which is loved and caressed by M, and not molested or mutilated by M. (I have to be short, since at the moment I don't have much time)" -- Alexander Abian, date unknown, probably 1993 " CAN'T YOU NOT READ TIME HAS INERTIA ! CAN'T YOU IGNORE IT ! CAN'T YOU 'N'- KEY IT. YOU SEE YOU P[PROVOKED ME BY POSTING IN TIME HAS INERTIA , HOW DARE YOU TO MOTHER SUPERIOR ME AND SAY DON'T POST IN SCI.PHYSICS'S TIME HAS INERTIA SUBJECT WHEN YOU ARE POSTING YOURSELF IN TIME HAS INERTIA AND THEN YOU ARE MOTHER SUPERIORING ME. I AM EXHAUSTED. I WILL NOT ANSWER ANYMORE TO ANY MOTHER SUPERIOR OF THE USENET. IT IS JUST DISGUSTINGLY EXHAUSTING AND A WASTE OF MY VERY VALUABLE TIME. NO MORE ANSWERS FROM ME TO THE MOTHER SUPERIORS OF THE USNET." -- Alexander Abian, September 1993 "TRUTH IS A YET UNDISCLOSED LIE." -- Alexander Abian, December 1993 "At a slightest shade of sarcasm on your part, you will not hear from me." -- Alexander Abian, January 1994 "I LOVE TO IMPOSE MY IDEAS UPON THE OTHERS. IT INFLATES MY EGO AND MAKES ME FEEL SECURE !!" -- Alexander Abian, January 1994 "At least one hundred times I have proclaimed that I have no evidence no proof no nothing to give to you or to anyone else except telling you that my theories are based on my imagination. They inflate my ego and make me feel secure. I have made no secret of it." -- Alexander Abian, January 1994 "There will be people who may respond to my imaginations and may be provoked to materialize them ! " -- Alexander Abian, February 1994 "I wish I have been at Edison's Laboratoty and I wish I motivated Edison with my reasoning. All I had to do is to pose the following problem to Edison : FIND A HIGHLY UNSTABLE (PARANOID) SUBSTANCE WHICH UPON PROVOCATION WOULD EXPLODE LIKE STALIN OR GENGHIS KHAN !." -- Alexander Abian, July 1994 "In this connection, I think a moral and decent thing to do - for people who read my postings - is to contribute to the newsnet fund some $ per postings of mine that they read." -- Alexander Abian, August 1994 "I AM PROMISING NOW TO CHOOSE MY SUBJECT LINE AS I PLEASE" -- Alexander Abian, September 1994 "...could you be any crackpottier?" -- Nick Bensema, January 1996 "I am not , but you could be a crackpottier yourself" -- Alexander Abian "So, of course Alteration of Great Scores, Paintings and Writings of the Classical Giants must be a must." -- Alexander Abian, January 1996 " I consider that principle also a prepubescent euphoria and an inane need to have a fanatic-religious idealistic point of reference and a point of departure . It is a sheer bovine ecstasy. Thus, THE PRINCIPLE OF CONSTANCY OF SPEED OF LIGHT IN ANY INERTIAL FRAME MUST ALSO BE SHREDDED AND RECYCLED INTO TOILET PAPER." -- Alexander Abian, August 1996 "I don't want to sound biblical but it is THE MATTER TO DUST." -- Alexander Abian, February 1997 "THE BIG SUCK AND THE REACTION TO IT are some two examples and instances of the insatiable craving to gain a feeling of security. The Void of Space Sucks th intruding mass not to have a concentrated invader in its territory." -- Alexander Abian, December 1998 "If you post any more questions to me I will reply to you, as usual with a NON-ANSWER . " -- Alexander Abian, December 1992 "I can give you a very rigorous proof but you may fall asleep while reading it." -- Alexander Abian, July 1998 So long, Dr. Abian. Sorry you couldn't be around to witness the events of September 13, 1999. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Goodbye, my friend Alexander Abian, I miss you Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 04:23:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So long, Dr. Abian. Sorry you couldn't be around to witness the > > events of September 13, 1999. > > No that's just UNFAIR. This is worse than Kubrick not being alive in 2001. Yeah, but I bet Kubrick wouldn't have enjoyed it. Any more than George Orwell would have liked being propped up at Steve Jobs's press conference. But at least Martin Landau is still alive to be tricked into going to that big "Space: 1999" convention in Los Angeles this September! I will give anything, you hear me, ANYTHING, if some L.A.-area Kibologist can present me with nice clear videotapes of the facial expressions of Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, Barry Morse, Catherine Schell, et al as they are honored by thousands of drooling fanboys for their participation in that seventies show which marked the low point in several careers. -- K. So if you can't come to the September '99 Boston A.R.K Lunar Blowout, the L.A. con for "Space: 1999" (named "Breakaway") is the same week, on September 13. I'm sure it will be almost as much fun, although I don't think Barbara Bain would be good at "Shatner or Twirling Boy?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today On Your TV In The USA. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:06:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor It must be a ratings week -- there's an unusually Kibological assortment of television tonight. I'm going to mention some of the more interesting-ish prime-time programs tonight. For those of you in the USA, please plan your entire evening around my comments. For those of you outside the USA, please don't snicker too hard about how we have 50,000 channels of this crud. (Any channels I mention are the ones listed in the Boston edition of TV Guide.) The first thing tonight I wanted to record starts at 6:00 (just over an hour from now), the six-and-a-half hour marathon of every episode of "The Ben Stiller Show" on FX. (Starring Janeane Garofalo [yay], Bob Odenkirk [yay], Andy Dick [yay], Ben Stiller [yay], and one cameo by David Cross [yay].) I already have tapes of the episodes that originally aired on my Fox station -- that would be about 2/3 of 'em -- and Comedy Central once showed a marathon of all 13 episodes -- but I'm hoping that FX won't trim them as much as I assume Comedy Central (Comedy Central trims about 5% extra out of everything for commercials, and they also screw up the audio.) Let's skip over the other 6:00 programs and proceed to 7:00. At 7:00, there is a very typical lame TV show: "World's Funniest!" (Not to be confused with "America's Funniest Home Videos" and "America's Funniest People" which became "America's Funniest", or with "World's Funniest Bloopers".) If any of these is actually the funniest anything, I'm really glad I'm not funny. This particular episode of "World's Funniest" includes this description in TV Guide: Celebrating mothers, who are seen slipping in a baby pool; getting hit in the head by a baby carriage. YAY! WOMEN GETTING HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH BABY CARRIAGES IS A FUNNY!!!! Amid the many other programs I'll avoid at 7:00 is this gem: (QVC) Star Wars Collection: Episode I: The Phantom Menace -- Shopping I'll take two colons and one dash to block, Bob. NOW YOU CAN BUY OVERPRICED STAR WARS TOYS THROUGH YOUR TV AT ONLY 50% MORE THAN IT WOULD COST YOU TO GO TO THE MALL!!! Skipping ahead to 8:00... the heart of every day in the TV universe. Here's everything that's on at 8:00: (2) Nature -- Documentary Exploring "Life at the Edge of the Sea" along the Pacific coast of British Columbia, where colorful undersea creatures live in the pounding surf. (Repeat) I'm confused. Do these Canadian critters live "undersea" or "in the pounding surf"? The surf's on TOP of the sea, guys. (4)(12) Touched By An Angel After a stand-up comic's father dies, the angels help her face up to a devastating incident from her childhood involving her deeply depressed mother -- whom she believes is dead. (Repeat) Ah, a wonderful exuberant, life-affirming drama in which we learn it's okay for your father to die because when he dies you learn that mom's alive. Then, in the next episode, mom dies, which brings dad back to life. (7)(10) You Asked For It -- Variety Debut: A man threads a snake through his nose and out his mouth. Who asked for that? Well, somebody did, [yeah, right] or it wouldn't be featured in this compilation of viewer-requested segments on unusual people, places and things. [...] In addition to the snake flosser, the premiere is slated to include a girl who cries tears of glass; the inventor of a suit that can withstand a bear attack; the "world's fastest parallel parker"; martial artists with high thresholds of pain; and sky divers who relax in an airborne living room. Oh, joy. They've slapped the title of Art Baker's 1950s TV series onto NBC's latest effort to clone "That's Incredible", featuring people injuring themselves doing stupid stunts, and life-affirming stories of people barely overcoming their hideous deformities. It's another damn freak show. Just like Fox's "Guiness World Records Primetime", which is 90% old footage from Fox's "Guiness World Records". The notable feature of this NBC attempt at a PG-rated "Mondo Cane": It's hosted by Phil Morris (son of Barney from "Mission: Impossible"), who is best known for playing O.J. Simpson's lawyer Johnnie Cochran on "Seinfeld" and in coffee commercials. This promises to be something that makes me want to kill my TV when they give airtime to that girl in South America who claims to be crying shards of glass, which, if memory serves, was thoroughly debunked a couple times already. PAGING JAMES RANDI, PAGING JAMES RANDI... Also, I think most suits would withstand bear attack -- usually the bears just eat the people and leave the suit behind. Incidentally, in what sense is this "Variety"? Where's the singing? Where's the dancing? Where's the comedy? Okay, the guy putting snakes up his nose might count as comedy for some of you people, but I like to draw a distinction between "Variety" and "Carny Geeks". (11) World Class Trains -- Travel A tour of southern Africa aboard the Rovos Rail line includes stops at the city of Pretoria, South Africa's Kruger National Park in the Transvaal region and the wine regions. I smell a BBC program. (It's on PBS, it must have been made in England.) (25)(64) Simpsons It's a rerun of the episode where Homer builds a backyard barbecue grill. If memory serves, he finds Lucille Ball's wedding ring in the middle of it. (38) (Movie: ***, 1991) Soapdish -- Comedy Oh, joy, a movie with Whoopi Goldberg in a wacky role. I'm tired of seeing her in all those serious roles. (44) America's Scenic Rail Journeys A trip on the restored passenger cars of the Sierra Madre Express as it travels through Mexico's Copper Canyon, which includes 88 tunnels and 38 bridges. "...all of which I will show you now." I smell a BBC program. (It's on PBS, it must have been made in England.) PBS: YOUR SOURCE FOR EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMS FOR PRE-SCHOOLERS AND LOTS OF SHOWS FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO LOOK OUT THE WINDOW OF TRAINS THEY'RE NOT ON. (50) (Movie: ****, 1981) Raiders of the Lost Ark -- Adventure Hmm, I wonder if this has ever been on TV before? (56) Sister, Sister -- Comedy Jordan (Deon Richmond) becomes a regular co-host on Tamera's radio talk show, boosting ratings -- and Tamera's blood pressure. Victor: Richard Lawson. (Repeat) (Richard Lawson, host of "Lamily Lewd".) In the fifties, sitcoms stars always entered sweepstakes to come up with jingles for Kellogg's "Pep" flakes. In the nineties, they all host radio call-in shows. It's TWO, TWO, TWO shows in one! It's like listening to a radio show while watching TV! You can SEE someone wearing huge headphones and talking into a microphone! And the people who call in are stupid! That's what makes it funny! (A&E) Biography Profiling pro wrestler Bret Hart. Fifty thousand scientists, explorers, generals, executives, and mass murderers in the world, and they gotta pick a pro wrestler to profile. Not even a real wrestler, a PRO wrestler. Also, TV Guide didn't tell me what type of program "Biography" is. I'll fix it: (A&E) Biography -- Pro Wrestling (I should warn those of you outside the USA that now we're into the cable channels and things are just going to get lamer.) (AMC) (Movie, ***, 1967) The Flim-Flam Man -- Comedy Genial farce, with [...] I got as far as "genial farce" before I skipped ahead. (BET) Changed Lives -- Religion Would YOU trust a religious program on a channel whose very name encourages GAMBLING??? (BRV) Inside the Actors Studio Robert De Niro talks about his films. Actually, the host talks about how much he likes Robert De Niro, the greatest actor who ever lived, with the guest squeezing in a word edgewise every now and then. (The episode where whats-his-name sucked up to Martin Landau, the greatest actor who ever lived, was truly precious. As was "Mr. Show's" parody of this show, which sorely needed to be parodied. Unlike "The View", which does need to be parodied, BUT NOT AS MUCH AS PEOPLE ARE PARODYING IT! ENOGH ABOUT "THE VIEW" ALREADY!) (CNB) Ushuala -- Magazine I have no idea what this is, since there's no description other than "Magazine" after a word with lots of vowels. How come there are no paper periodicals which claim to be television? (CNN) CNN & Time -- Current Events I stand corrected. "Time" is printed on paper, therefore the TV version of "Time" CAN'T be a "magazine", it has to be "current events" because it thinks it's better than those "magazine"s because it's actually a magazine. (COM) Saturday Night Oh, joy, an episode of "Saturday Night Live" from two years ago. It's not live. It's not even Saturday. And even if it was, it's from one of The Bad Years (1980 - 1999). Comedy Central only has rights to reruns of The Bad Years; they advertise them as "Saturday Night Live: The Next Generation". I think this is an allusion to the way Patrick Stewart's acting isn't a tenth as funny as William Shatner's. (CRT) (Movie, made-for-TV, 1986) Blood & Orchids -- Drama Passion and prejudice fuel the investigation into the rape of a woman in 1937 Hawaii. Kris Kristofferson, Jane Alexander. a> It's a made-for TV movie. (Actually a mini-series, because it's three and a half hours long.) b> It's a period piece made in the 1980s. c> Starring Kris Kristofferson. d> Being rerun on Court TV, the all-O.J. network. SO, IS THIS WORTH WATCHING??? (CSP) Booknotes Hey, the Congressional channel's doing book reports. Find out what your Senators are reading. And whether it has "Lewinski" in the title. (Actually, this show is probably considerably more boring than that. For those of you who don't get C-SPAN: They set up a camera on a tripod in the middle of the Senate and leave it on 24 hours a day. So you can watch senators making impassioned speeches about canola oil subsidies. Sometimes when C-SPAN is feeling charitable they have someone operating the camera so that they can swing it around to show that the guy is making a speech in AN EMPTY ROOM, but usually they just leave the camera sitting there while the senators pretend to be addressing their fellow members, WHO HAVE NO OBJECTIONS WHATSOEVER TO THIS BRILLIANT RHETORIC.) (DIS) Darkwing Duck You know, it's that Disney cartoon that has people foiling jewel thieves, only they're not people, they're animals. Someday someone needs to send Disney Inc. a telegram, "ENOUGH WITH THE JEWEL THIEVES! ENOUGH WITH THE FUNNY ANIMALS! TRY DRAWING PEOPLE FOR A CHANGE! TRY HAVING THEM DO SOMETHING NOT INVOLVING JEWEL THIEVES! WATCH SOME HANNA-BARBERA CARTOONS SO YOU CAN LEARN SOME NEW PLOTS! LIKE PEOPLE SMUGGLING COUNTERFEIT MONEY IN A HAUNTED HOUSE!" (DSC) Shipwreck! The 1956 collision between the cruise-ships Andrea Doria and Stockholm. Never trust anything with an Exclamation Point! in the title. (You can imagine the Discovery Channel executives sitting around saying, "Hmm, I don't think shipwrecks are exciting." "How about if we add an exclamation point?" "NOW they're exciting!") (E!) Hot Young Hollywood Never trust a channel with an E!xclamation P!oint in its letter. ("E!" is 24 hours a day of "entertainment news". Plus a camera pointed at Howard Stern while he does his radio show.) (ESN) Baseball New York Yankees at Boston. (Live) It's just the Yankees playing the Red Sox. I'm boycotting until they learn to spell "Socks". And "Yanquis". (ES2) Drag Racing The final round of the NHRA Northwest Nationals in Seattle. They always hold drag-racing tournaments in coastal cities, but they're never smart enough to point the dragstrip into the ocean to make it fun. (FAM) (Movie, made-for-TV, 1988) Earthquake in New York Greg Evigan plays a [...] Sorry, I can't read past the words "Greg Evigan". (FNC) O'Reilly Factor Another mystery program with no description. I'm guessing this starrs Gary Burghoff as a crime-fighting supercop who crushes drug kingpins in a lawless world of the future by using his wits, his lazer sword, and the Radar O'Reilly Factor. (IN THE FUTURE LOTS OF PEOPLE WILL BE NAMED "RADAR"! AT LEAST THE ONES WITH THE ANTENNAE!) (FS) Motorcycle Racing AMA Supersport action in Brainerd, Minn. Taped earlier today. And then the cast of "Family Matters" moved to Brainerd and Urkel drew a while line down the middle of the town to separate it into Brain and Nerd but then he couldn't decide which half to live in. A Very Special Episode. (Just to the south of me is the town of "Braintree", which conjures up a lovely mental image. And then that makes you think of "toiletries".) (H&G) Before and After No description. "Before I was an H, now I'm a G!" (HIS) Tales of the Gun "Guns of the Bizarre" looks at one-of-a-kind guns made for self-defense. "Guns of the Bizarre" is the SECOND most Kibological title of the evening. Stay tuned. (LIF) (Movie, made-for-TV, 1995) The Unspoken Truth -- Drama Chronicling the fact-based ordeal of a trusting wife (Lea Thompson) whose abusive husband entangles her in a murder. I forget, is Lea Thompson the same person as Tea Leoni, or are they different, like Lee Horsley and Tom Selleck? (MAX) (Movie, **) Gremlins -- Thriller Zach Galligan, Hoyt Axton This is the canonical "What do we do now? Oh, let's just go to the K-Mart and knock everything over one at a time" movie. (MSN) Charles Grodin -- Interview They don't say he's interviewing. It doesn't matter, people just tune in to see if he's forgotten to take his medication again. (MTV) Beavis and Butthead's Most Dangerous Episodes -- Comedy Remember, "Beavis & Butthead" is a comedy, "Daria" is a cartoon, and "The Simpsons" isn't categorized in TV Guide's weird little universe. (By the way, "Daria" is one of my favorites. Especially the parts where she makes cynical, sarcastic comments about all the crap that's on TV. And all you have to do to watch it is watch MTV until "Road Rules" ends fifteen minutes late.) (NIK) Animorphs -- Fantasy Rachel has an accident while in "hawk morph". It's like "Manimal" only for kids. It's "Kidimal". (SCI) Dark Skies -- Drama Is this the one based on the true story of Nostradamus predicting the alien invasion where you could only kill them by poking their eyes out, or the one where Ray Walston is the sheriff fighting the nth-dimensional creatures invading Scotland? And why doesn't the Sci-Fi Channel show anything good any more, like "Space: 1999"? (SHO) (Movie, made-for-TV) Restless Spirits -- Fantasy Marsha Mason. All I know about this one is that it's in the same category as "Animorphs" and they misspelled "Marilyn Manson". (TBS) (Movie, ****, 1996) Fargo -- Crime Drama The Coen Brothers' sly drama about a policewoman (Frances McDormand) who is trying to determine how several murders and a kidnapping are linked. Don't let the fact that TV Guide called it a "sly drama" fool you, this is the best movie within a mile of 8:00. Also don't ask me to draw lines between "Drama", "Crime Drama", "Action", and "Adventure". (But I'd be more than happy to draw lines between "Comedy", "Comedy-Drama", and "Drama" because one of those three guarantees it's bad.) I like "Fargo" a lot, although when I saw it I felt cheated because Frances McDormand's character is nine months pregnant through the whole movie and SHE NEVER GIVES BIRTH IN A STUCK ELEVATOR!!! NOT EVEN ONCE!!! (TCM) (Movie, ***, 1964) The Pink Panther -- Comedy Blake Edwards' romp about jewel thieves in high society. Peter Sellers. [Shown in letter-box format.] Actually it's a "Comedy-Crime Drama". This isn't a bad movie, although after seeing a few of these you start wondering if watching Peter Sellers doing a wacky accent and falling down just might not be the best use of his wonderful talents. Also note that TV Guide writes "The Coen Brothers'" with the apostrophe at the end to indicate there are two of them, just like the two people named Blake Edward. (TLC) The Operation A hair-transplant. "And which hair would you like transplanted today, sir?" "Let's start with the one in the middle. After three or four more, I can comb it over." "Wonderful, sir!" I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING A JOKE ABOUT COMB-OVERS BUT IT WILL KEEP ME FROM HAVING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT AIRLINE PEANUTS LATER. (TNN) In-Fisherman -- Al Lindner I don't know what "In-Fisherman" is (an actual fishing trip inside a fisherman?) but I do know that it's in that "Al Lindner" category. So it can't be a comedy or a drama. It could still be good, as long as it's not labelled "Comedy-Lindner-Drama". (TNT) (Movie, ***, 1987) Moonstruck [...] Cher [...] Sorry, I could only read the middle word of that one before tearing that page out of TV Guide accidentally while trying to tear out one of the twelve stiff cardboard "Official Star Trek Musical Dinner Plates Of The Proud Native Americans" inserts. (USA) GvsE -- Comedy-Drama Chandler's buried in a coffin filling with water. Yeah, sounds like a comedy hyphen drama all right. I just hope it's Chandler from "Friends". NEXT WEEK, ROSS HAS HIS FACE PECKED OFF BY BIRDS!!! IT'S A COMEDY-DRAMA! THAT'S LIKE A COMEDY WITH 50% LESS COMEDY!!! (VH1) 100 Greatest Women of Rock and Roll -- Profile The countdown concludes. See, it has to be a "Profile" because it can't be a "Biography" because it doesn't have any pro wrestling. Anyway, those are all the shows that TV Guide lists for 8:00 tonight (about 1/3 of the channels I get -- I have one of those bizarro two-axis cable feeds where the channels have X,Y coordinates ranging from "1,A" to "55,B".) But, of course, "The Ben Stiller Show" marathon is on from 6:00 (starting RIGHT NOW!) to 12:30, so it conflicts with all the wonderful stuff above, as well as with most anything else I might want to videotape later tonight: (10:00 highlights) (38) Wild Things -- Wildlife Mountain gorillas in Uganda; a piranha feeding frenzy. Also: wildlife of the African plains; baby penguins. Aww, the penguins are so cute... hey, wait, are those piranha supposed to be eating them? Mommy! (I think I may watch that one because I have seen piranha feeding frenzies up close, but only with one piranha at a time, and they're plenty scary even in ones. I'd like to see some nice footage of a school of a hundred piranhas skeletonizing a cow in 0.8 seconds.) (HIS) Banking with Hitler See, I told you that "Guns of the Bizarre" was the second most Kibological title of the evening. (MTV) Scared Straight! '99 The show where they take Bad Kids and send them to Moonbase Alpha. Alas, the Ben Stiller marathon means I'll have to miss "Mystery Science Theater 3000" tonight (11:00 - 1:00), which is showing "Squirm", the movie in which giant millipedes that people think are worms come out of shower nozzles very, very, very slowly. I suspect Mike and the 'bots will mention at least once that these alleged worms have lots of large obvious legs. And move really slowly. And can be bought at local pet stores. Anyway, I'll catch the rerun. (The FINAL episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" is next week, by the way. I'm still praying they're going to do "Star Trek V", which the Sci-Fi channel does own broadcast rights to.) Also, at 9:00 there's a rerun of the episode of Michael Moore's show where a court order prohibits him from coming within 100 feet of Conan O'Brien. Now go watch TV. -- K. If you don't watch your TV, it might be watching you! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today On Your TV In The USA. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 04:06:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "ras2" (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "E!"] > > > > Never trust a channel with an E!xclamation P!oint in its letter. > > E! is something I sometimes watch (mostly while I look at the computer > monitor. Like this: > > Monitor--> [_] [_] <--TV (slightly angled IRL, but not in ASCII). > ^ / > .-------> |/ <-- Out-of-the-corner-of-my-right-eye View > | Me--> 0 > Main > Viewing > Direction) while I wait for Star Trek which usually begins around > 02.45 (in the night, AM or PM) and from ca. 00.30 most of all my > other five channels have stopped broadcasting, so there's not much > of a choice. HEY! Stop stealing the layout of my apartment and my viewing habits! Also, your drawing's wrong, my TV is a lot further back than my computer: [_] <-- cheap TV / / / / [_] / <-- less-cheap monitor | / <-- Spider-Man web fluid coming out of me (_) <-- me (I'm bigger than you) I was going to put in more lines going down to a tree of circles and squares and fill in the names of some imaginary children, but then I remember that circles are girls so I couldn't do that because I'm round in this picture. So I'll just pretend it's a Venn diagram because everyone's a circle in a Venn diagram: _ _ (_()_) / \ \ Woody Allen \ things without feathers \ MasterCard fees I WILL PAY A DOLLAR TO ANYONE WHO DRAWS A BETTER ASCII VENN DIAGRAM AND THEN SUPPRESSES IT TO MAKE ME LOOK GOOD. > Most days I can usually watch M*A*S*H reruns (thus > swerving to avoid Oprah on the channel where ST will be shown later > in the night), but some days I am forced to watch E!. Then, after > successful viewing of ST, I have to be quick and turn the TV off > before I'm attacked by Judge Judy. TV is Hell. There are only three channels which actually Show Stuff all night on my cable lineup: 1.) CNN Headline News. The same fifteen minutes of "news" over and over. All the stories are in this format: "Today in California, former President Reagan was And now in your CNN Headline Weather, there's Time for CNN Headline Sports! The San Jose Sharks played COMMERCIAL COMMERCIAL COMMERCIAL Today in California, former President Reagan..." 2.) Nick At Nite. Sitcom reruns from the seventies all night. Unfortunately, during the summer they've switched to showing six hours (actually three hours shown twice) of a different sitcom every night, and I will change channels to avoid having to sit through six hours of "WKRP In Cincinnati". But when they show "Happy Days" or "The Dick van Dyke Show" or "I Love Lucy" I'll leave it on. THE BASTARDS TOOK OFF "THE BOB NEWHART SHOW"! AND "LANCELOT LINK, SECRET CHIMP"! 3.) The Cartoon Network. Old Hanna-Barbera cartoons, and occasionally something else (rarely, something good, like "ReBoot".) The problem is that at 3am you get the lamest of the lame, like an hour of "Huckleberry Hound" or "The Hillybilly Bears" which make me throw things at the TV. I think it was Nick Bensema who described the Night Of Hell when Cartoon Network decided to show all ten of the cartoons where Popeye's three identical nephews keep him awake playing trombones. But this brings me to my new theory: In the seventies, TV shows begat spinoff shows. In the late nineties, TV networks are begetting spinoff networks. CNN -> CNN Headline News, CNN International, CNN/fn, CNN/SI Nick At Nite --> TV Land Cartoon Network --> Boomerang (They just announced Boomerang, which will be all OLD Hanna-Barbera cartoons, i.e. 24 hours of Huckleberry Hound's witty "OH MAH DARLING, OH MAH DARLING, OH MAH DARLING, OH MAH DARLING, OH MAH DARLING" catchphrase.) The one I find the weirdest: NBC -> CNBC but NBC + Microsoft -> MSNBC STICK THAT IN YOUR VENN DIAGRAM AND POKE IT!!! > > (Just to the south of me is the town of "Braintree", which conjures > > up a lovely mental image. > > Speaking of local geographical whatnots: Yesterday I was surfing > innocently on this here Internet thing and happened by your very > own KIBO DOT COM, only to be sucked into the scarily useful links > page where I was knocked down and carried away to that MapBlast.com > where I was then forced to spend most of the night making maps of > Boston and of the only address I know in the US, in nearby Newton. > That was fun (but the resulting phone bill will probably make me > homeless and it'll be all your fault). > > Also, I liked your photos of the Newtonian magazine racks. Someday those links will all be replaced by my new Links Thing and there will be a lot more photos, which are currently sitting here in a big pile on my computer. I mean "on" as in "inside". "Monica Lewinsky flips her SUV, and the dark side of the garment industry." -- just heard on CNN Headline news -- K. If Louis Nick actually said the thing Nick Bensema said about Popeye's nephews, we'll know they're really the same person. As Popeye's nephews. Wait, I found it, it was Stephen Will Tanner who said it. Well, he and L. Nick and Nick B. are now nephews. I AM LEGALLY EMPOWERED TO NEPHEWTIZE ANYONE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today On Your TV In The USA. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 3 Aug 1999 04:27:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If Louis Nick actually said the thing Nick Bensema said about Popeye's > > nephews, we'll know they're really the same person. > > > > As Popeye's nephews. > > > > Wait, I found it, it was Stephen Will Tanner who said it. > > Well, he and L. Nick and Nick B. are now nephews. > > Well I'm pretty sure I mentioned the identical nephews. I think I > remember there being four of them, one of them being named Poopeye. Yes, you may have MENTIONED them, but Stephen Will Tanner USED them, to draw Douglas Hofstadter's "use-mention" line down the middle of the room between the Ralph Malph Of Mention and the Potsie Of Use. Here's the incinerating evidence. It took six VERY soft tacos and a grape Nehi to even find this post. -- K. ////////// rerun ////// rerun ////// rerun ////// rerun ////// rerun ////////// From: Stephen Tanner (tanner@aros.net) Subject: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Organization: ArosNet Inc. Date: Fri, 27 Jun 1997 08:59:59 GMT On Thu, 26 Jun 1997 16:28:59 -0500, Jaffo (jaffo@onramp.net) wrote: > > I feel a lot of love in this newsgroup right now. > > GROUP HUG! We should do trust falls as well. Catch meeeeeee e e e e e e e e e e e e e [continued in followup] > Sometimes, Kibo does not know his own strength. I'm sure it frightens him > sometimes. Especially when Matt says "That trick NEVER works!" and Kibo reaches into the Cub Scout hat and a roaring Davey Jones head comes out and gets hit in the face with tofu, followed by a larger chunk of tofu. Then the Cartoon Network shows all ten of the Popeye-tries- to-sleep-while-his-nephews-play-music cartoons, followed by all twenty of the alternative-Little-Red-Riding-Hood Tex Avery cartoons, and all fifty of the Two Stupid Dogs episodes about spit. And then it's time for... SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE GHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST! Space Ghost: Our first guest is Dr. Karl Sieger, founder of the Gravitational Engineering Institute in 2053. Zorak: What? Moltar: [sings along with the Flintstones] Let the sun...shine...in... Space Ghost: The famous Gravitational Engineer! Inventor of the Woxwox Drive! Zorak: That hasn't happened yet. [Monitor lowers. Thirtysomething woman in a yellow blouse looks out] Zorak: Nice one, Tad. Space Ghost: Wait! If we're too early, then...Karl must be just a twinkle in his mother's eye! [Camera zooms waaaaaaay in on woman's eyeball. Cheap computer-generated twinkle sparkles in the corner] High voice: Hello! Space! Ghost! Moltar: [singing along] So open up your heart and let the sun...shine...in... ----------- IT TOOK SIX SOFT TACOS AND A GRAPE CRUSH TO FUND EVEN THIS POST. Remember, posts like these are transmitted to computers around the world at a cost of only hundreds of thousands of dollars. Please help us...to help you! It is the underwear of the underwriters which lets us provide you with your favorite threads week after week! We need your support, and your support bras! Staple those used panties to a postcard, and send them to 1234 Stephanie, Las Vegas, NV. Or call us, and one of our operators will take the call--possibly one of the incurably photogenic ones you can see behind me! Maybe even the girl who gazes, tirelessly and forever, off the pages of every MacWarehouse ad ever in print? Maybe so. >:I *dare* you to say "pants". You folks won't do it. You don't have the guts. >:YOU'RE TOO CHICKEN TO SAY PANTS TO KIBO! Ha! I just powered up my characters and finished Final Fantasy VII. I could take a bullet right now. And then I went over to my friend's house, and played Twisted Metal 2, and blew up his cousins. After playing the game, I mean. And now I will get it all OUT OF MY SYSTEM with one mighty yawping cheese-and-tofu-flavored primal scream, after which I will pants no more forever: PPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [stock footage of Death star exploding] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [montage of sobbing women from Bergman films] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNN [Tibetan monks set fire to themselves. The Dow drops 50 points in heavy trading. Five hundred video tapes, left in the back seats of Volvos, warp and twist in the sunlight.] NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN [In a thousand elementary schools, chalk squeaks on the blackboard. Ted Turner releases the colorized version of Clerks with a new happier ending. Seinfeld is pre-empted for a special news report--nine months later, the birth rate soars.] NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS [A secretary in Des Moines flubs the punch line of a joke. Overprotective aunts mourn the lost art of conversation. Ceanu Reeves comes dangerously close to displaying an emotion.] SSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [A factory in Detroit pumps poison gas into new tennis balls. A gen-xer makes a bungee jump on a cord which is a little bungier than it should be, and shows his buddies what he's made of...literally. A janitor falls asleep inside a particle accelerator, and soon his component molecules are taking separate vacations] !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [Somewhere, a Tamagotchi cries out...and dies] Ok, I'm done. Now someone post something about current events. This is where I get all my news. You think I'm kidding. It's you guys or Letterman. And he spends too much time schmoozing with guests and turning a can into a van. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today On Your TV In The USA. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 06:11:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Kurt" (doombu@mindless.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think it was Nick Bensema who described the Night Of Hell when Cartoon > > Network decided to show all ten of the cartoons where Popeye's three > > identical nephews keep him awake playing trombones. > > At what point did Popeye suddenly lose a nephew? > > I was watching Cartoon Network the other night, and in the space of two > Popeye cartoons, he went from four nephews to three. Did Pupeye (I think it > was Pupeye, rather than being Pipeye, Peepeye or Poopeye*) get done in by > his brothers because they feared his rising popularity would split them up? > > That question would have kept me awake all night wondering if I hadn't > fallen asleep. > > Kurt > * I'll bet that poor bastard changed his name the minute he turned 18. I don't know about Popeye's three point five nephews (did they predate Mickey's three identical nephews? How about Daisy's? Goofy's?) but I can tell you why Bluto became Brutus when the Popeye cartoons became even lamer. It's because the guy who paid Terrytoons to produce 'em was this Larry Harmon guy who had a TV show where he appeared on camera between crummy filler cartoons, and his character name sounded vaguely like "Bluto"... He also produced actual "Bozo" cartoons, which were just like the lame Popeye cartoons except Bozo fought bad guys in the Wild West and didn't eat much spinach. Anyway, if you come across a Popeye-vs.-Brutus cartoon, it was made for the "Bozo" show. It always bugged me that when they showed a "Bozo" cartoon on a local "Bozo" show, the cartoon Bozo had a different voice (Larry Harmon's wacky cowboy voice) than the local host. The hosts never seem to have tried to do the cowboy diction. (Bozo is a cowboy -- take a close look as his powder-blue clown suit. It's slightly cowboy-styled. I suspect it was the inspiration for the powder-blue shirt worn by Julia Sweeney's "Pat".) -- K. Notice I didn't say "'Saturday Night Live''s 'Pat" because Julia Sweeney did "Pat" before she was on "SNL". And after, if you've seen her vanity bomb movie that sat on the shelf a while. (Still, it was considerably better than "Coneheads" and I'm sure "Hans & Franz Go Hollywood" would have been even worse if they had released it.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A GIANT FLAMING POLL Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:22:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > What is the oddest thing(s) that have happened to you while you were in a > moving car? > > 1) I was young. I was playing with a Transformer. It was a Decepticon called > 'Thundercracker'. (This was back when toys were toys, not fragile plastic > shells). I grew tired of the toy and tossed it behind me. Only, the back > window was open a little bit (a device was used to push it open a few inches) > and Thundercracker slipped right through. I wonder whatever happened to it. I think it fell out. DO I WIN? Wait, let me change my answer -- I think it fell out and you started to cry and your parents said, "If you're going to lose them, we're not going to let you have any more Transformers!" and took all your toys away and played them with in the part of the house where you weren't allowed to go. DO I WIN? If not, I'm gonna keep changing my answer until I win, or until you cry. -- K. The power of the Internet is to make other people cry. Or to at least let you pretend you did. HA HA! CAN'T STOP ME FROM PRETENDING! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A GIANT FLAMING POLL Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:38:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > What is the oddest thing(s) that have happened to you while you were in a > > moving car? > > I was driving down PCH a couple of summers ago, a lovely sun-glazed > afternoon, and I had the windows open and the music blaring. As I > was passing through Big Sur, there were a bunch of people fly-fishing > off a bridge, and damned if I didn't get a fishhook right in the > eyeball. I swerved and slammed into the railings, crushing the legs > of two of the fly-fishers, but just missing the bastard who had rendered > me non-depth-perceptive for life. Your career as the guy who cut up "Flintstones" cels to make Viewmaster discs was RUINED! So they had to hire someone else to stack up the things in the wrong order. (What percentage of Viewmaster discs had things in the wrong depth-sort order? I think about 20% had at least one depth error... not counting the ones that had actual photographs, like the one of "The Omega Glory", the only "Star Trek" episode to have been filmed in 3-D. How many of you will admit to having seen "The Omega Glory" in your Viewmasters?) > Enraged and with adrenalin surging through my veins, I jumped out of the > smashed car, ignoring both the blaring horn and my two broken ribs, and > ran over to the bastard, who I could just barely make out through a film > of blood. I grabbed him by the lapels of his L.L. Bean jacket, yelled > incoherently into his terrified face, and then threw him over the > bridge. Fortunately, Ted Kennedy dove into the water and saved him. Sorry, just trying to maintain the realism. > As he plummeted down onto the rocks below, screaming "Aaas... youuuu... > wiiiiiiish!", I came to the realization that the man I had thrown over a > bridge was none other than Wesley, the love of my life. Wait, he wasn't in "The Omega Glory". You're confusing Wesley Crusher with that guy who secretly replaced his crew with Folger's crystals. It's an easy mistake to make, because you were thinking "Crusher" and confused the guy who turned his crew to white crystals with that guy who turned people into cuboctahedra and then crushed them into piles of white crystals. (NOTE THAT UNLIKE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE", I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CUBE AND A CUBOCTAHEDRON. THIS IS WHY I DON'T LIKE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" ANY MORE, BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW THEIR SEMI-REGULAR POLYHEDRA. I BET THEY COULDN'T EVEN TELL A SNUB CUBE FROM ITS ENANTIOMORPH.) > Without thought, I threw myself after him, and by holding my arms close to my > body and tilting myself appropriately, I managed to catch up with him as > we fell. We wrestled for the single parachute for brief seconds, the > ground looming dangerously above our heads when we were upside down, > until I finally managed to wrench it away from him, hurriedly put it on, > snap the safety locks into place and pull the release cord. I laughed > maniacally as my lover screamed once more, and he managed to fire off a > couple of wild shots from his wrist-triggered poison dart gun before his > brains jacksonpollocked onto the hard, unyielding reality of Nature's > canvas. My parachute lowered me gently down onto the sandy beach, and I > rushed to remove it before anyone saw me. I heard the soft "thud-thud" > behind me as the two people Wesley had hit up on the bridge with his > dart gun finally landed, but I had no time for them: the deployment of > the car's airbag had already notified Hertz by satellite that an > accident had occurred, and the GPS implanted in my brain by the friendly > folk at the agency pinpointed my location exactly. As opposed to pinpointing your location inexactly. Which, of course, is what the civilian version of GPS does. There's a GPS Pharmacy in Chinatown. I think they sell meds with little radio transmitters hidden in them. I'm guessing that's how the exploding aspirin got implanted inside James Coburn's nose in that perfectly serious spy movie. > The new rental car drove up quickly, tires crunching on the gravel. The > valet jumped out and tossed the keys at me with a wink and a grin, and > disappeared before my eyes in a bad special effect. He re-appeared > right next to me a brief nano-second later, looked around in confusion > for a moment before getting his bearings, and then shrugged his > shoulders in an "oh well!" expression, and started trudging down the > beach. I jumped into the car, allowing the artificial intelligence to > mold the seat around my body in ergonomic comfort as I plugged the > neural net connection into the back of my head. Slashing through the > endless maze of menus and pull-down options I managed to select a > destination before slumping into unconsciousness, the car's nano-robots > already whirring around my body, slicing away clothing and repairing the > internal damage before I bled to death. Why does it have to be before? I think it would be a better story if you died, because nano-robots can fix anything. Plus then you could tell us what it's like to die and then you could come back and turn to white crystals so you could tell us whether dying in a car is better than being a pile of moth crystals. > As the car drove off under AI control and the world around me went > black, I remember thinking to myself, "Someone seems to have left a > Transformer toy wedged in the window. How extraordinarily odd!". Then > the darkness took over, and I didn't wake up until the car was turning > in to the entrance of the castle fortress of the mad Professor Von > Vonvon, 17 hours later. Oh, dear old Professor Ludzig Ludxig Ludwig Ludvig Von Vonvon. That reminds me, someone should tell Monthy Python that they weren't funny, because they used lots of funny names, and Roger Ebert says funny names are never funny. Hey, on today's episode, Roger Ebert's replacement Siskel was Joyce Kulhawik, Channel 7's local "critic", who loves, loves, loves 95% of what she sees (and detests the other 5%.) After Ebert's reviews three of hers started "ROGER, I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE!" and one started "ROGER, I COULDN'T DISAGREE WITH YOU MORE!" (Re that last one, she didn't like the movie about Siamese twins because she didn't learn enough about Siamese twins from it.) > Climbing out of the car in the bespoke suit tailored by the nano-robs, I > took a second to look around and take in the breathtaking mountain view > while the car folded itself up securely. I picked up the cigarette- > case-sized box that now lay at my feet, put it in my breastcoat pocket > and checked my holster for my Baretta. I started walking towards the > imposing main doors that swung mysteriously open as I approached. Then > I remembered: I had forgotten to take the wine out of the car. I swore > as I hurriedly pulled the cigarette case out of the jacket, Chateau > Pope-du-Merde '74 spilling lurid red all over the silk. Oh well... at > least I had remembered to take out the tuna hot dish. > > And then, this one day, I died. Imagine that! Too late, already did. -- K. I just make it up as I go along, because planning your death in advance would count as "premeditation". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A GIANT FLAMING POLL Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 00:58:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How many of you will admit to having seen "The Omega Glory" > > in your Viewmasters?) > > I cannot admit to this because it did not happen. However, the MASH > episode with the guy who was crazier than Klinger and who got a Section 8 > was one of my favorite Viewmaster selections. Wow! A M*A*S*H episode for V*I*E*W*M*A*S*T*E*R! Just think, they've probably made 3-D versions of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" and "Knight Rider" and "Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp"... I need to buy a Viewmaster. > Also, I had Viewmaster things of almost every place we visited on the > One Family Vacation From Hell that we ever took -- places like the Royal > Gorge, Mesa Verde, and Garden of the Gods. That was may favorite "Battlestar Galactica" episode ever, although I still don't understand why the Cylon Base Star had Skylab inside it. > I also had a Garfield one, where the booklet that went with it was > funnier than the Viewmaster disks were. NOTHING is funnier than seven sentence fragments presented in bad 3-D! -- K. It's like a haiku for your mind. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An idea whose time has come Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 1 Aug 1999 22:59:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > The interwocky has it's Dancing Baby with it's nearly infinite variations. > I'm sure you're all aware of the Dancing Baby web pages that list > literally hundreds of variations of our original little CGI pal. There's > the gymnast, the one that's drunk and pissing, etc. Yes sirree Bob, good > clean fun that's appropriate for the entire family. > > But what we need is someone to start putting together the Dancing Bear > CGI. An initial simple Dancing Bear wearing a tutu and doing a few simple > twirls is all that's needed and then the creative frenzy can begin! A few > ideas of what I one day hope to see include: > > - The Dancing Bear of Bullshit > - The Congaing Dancing Bear > - The Fractal Dancing Bear > - TEN MILLION GLOWING SPARKLING EXPLODING DANCING BEARS OF EXTREME > OBVIOUSNESS > > So could someone who actually knows how to do this stuff please get > started right away? Try to have something ready by next Thursday as > that's when my homework is due. Slap this one together, but be sure to make it crash and burn if anyone requests dancing hamsters. -- K. Things I never need to see again: * More Blockbuster commercials with the creepy computer-generated dancing baby * More journalists referring to "The computer-animated dancing baby from 'Ally McBeal'" * Ally McBeal * "The Hamster Dance" * Any film starring a Dom DeLuise as the voice of a talking skateboard ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Space:1999 - Space Brain (script) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 00:24:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > > In my search for interesting 3d debris, I ran across the > definitive Space:1999 site. Stills, scripts, everything. Wait... they had scripts? Hmm, lemme poke around the site a little and find my favorite parts... The end of "Black Sun": > 134.INT. CORRIDOR > > Crowded corridor, with returned Eagle crew at centre of laughter and glee. > We see Fujita with the oriental Main Mission girl & Tanya. David is > greeting Osgood, then goes to hug Robinson, watched by Smitty. Koenig is > with the others, stood in the Travel unit door. > > MAN: "What could have been more special than this?" > > KOENIG: "You must have followed us into the black sun." > > ALAN: "We went in the opposite direction." > > VICTOR: "Ah, you must have followed us." > > HELENA (serious note): "We didn't." > > PAUL: "We went right through it. It was fantastic." > > KOENIG: "But how? If you didn't follow us through, how did you find Alpha > again? A million light years?" > > VICTOR: "Mmm. Right across the Universe." > > ALAN: "I'm an astronaut, Professor. Not a philosopher." > > HELENA: "Something..brought us home." > > KOENIG: "Yes. Home." > > Koenig leads Helena off, & the others follow away. Last is Victor, who > taps his cigar to the camera knowingly before following. > > FREEZE FRAME Hmm, I didn't expect that the little bits of business like Barry Morse waving his cigar at the camera in relief that the episode's over would have been "blocked" so exactly in the script. (In the episode he actually blows smoke at the camera and winks, if I recall correctly.) From the last (completed) episode, "The Dorcons": > EXT. SPACE (SFX) > > Ship. > > INT. COMMAND CENTRE > > Close on Maya. > > MAYA: "Dorcons." ((turns away, highly distressed)) "Dorcons..." > > HELENA: "Maya, what is it?" > > MAYA (whimpering): "Dorcons.." > > HELENA: "What is it?" > > MAYA: "It's a Dorcon spaceship.." > > TONY: "Maya, take it easy." > > MAYA: "It's after me...it's after me.." > > KOENIG: "Alan. Scan that ship. Find out what you can." > > ALAN: "Check." > > MAYA: "..It's after me...that light...it was a Dorcon probe.." > > HELENA: "Maya, just take it easy now." > > MAYA: "You don't understand!" ((cries)) "...None of you...it's a Dorcon > spaceship.." ((holds Tony)) > > KOENIG: "Easy, Maya. Easy. What are Dorcons?" This episode consists mainly of people saying "DORKONS!!!" over and over. Also note the detailed scene that consists of the word "Ship." I think the "p" was a typo. Don't confuse the episode name "The Dorcons" with the episode named "Dorzak": > SAHALA: "We didn't know of it's existence until the arrival of one named > Dorzak. He came in a spaceship with other Psychons, begging for refuge > stating his own planet was about to be destroyed." > > ALAN: "Yes, Maya knew that some of her people left Psychon before it blew > up. But she never knew if they ever made it to another star system." > > SAHALA: "Technologically, they were very advanced and we welcomed them on > Norvah. But in time we realised the Psychons were a virus that would > destroy our society." From "The Lambda Factor", which I would call the canonical "Space: 1999" episode (bad special effect appears and makes goofy things happen, then it goes away on its own): > MAYA: "Commander?" > > KOENIG: "Yeah?" > > MAYA: "I think I may have found our problem." > > -Big Screen (SFX): a spiral (sc 13) The actual space thingie is considerably less impressive than "(SFX): a spiral" would lead you to believe. It's a cardboard disk with a spiral painted on it, and there's a sparkler behind it so that sparks are dripping downwards. (I gotta finish my "Space: 1999" episode guide sometime, along the lines of what I did for "The Time Tunnel". I have notes for about half of it, but I'm missing a few episodes from my tapes.) > MAYA (patiently): "No, but I assume we'll get more malfunctions as we get > closer." > > -Big Screen (SFX): spiral. > 18.INT. COMMAND CENTRE > > -Big Screen (SFX): spiral. > > MAYA (VO): "The electrical pulse is getting stronger." > KOENIG: "No. Thanks Pete." ((cuts link & sits tiredly)) "If that thing " > > -Big Screen (SFX): spiral. > > KOENIG (VO): " might be affecting our sensors, and might be affecting the > instruments in the Eagles" > KOENIG: "Some unknown force kills Sally. Instruments go haywire. Eagles > malfunction, an atomic engine starts by itself and won't stop. And all of > this has happened since " > > -Big Screen (SFX): spiral. > > KOENIG (VO): " the appearance of that thing out there." > 31.EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX) > > Spiral is large beyond hills over Alpha. > > KOENIG (VO): "Lambda waves." > KOENIG: "No!" ((covers face)) > > EXT. MOONBASE ALPHA (SFX) > > Spiral superimposed over base. > KOENIG: "Still no change?" > > MAYA: "Nothing. That thing is still " > > -Big Screen (SFX): spiral (sc 43) > > MAYA (VO): " covering the base and there's no way of knowing if we're > going to get out of it or not." > > -Command Centre (sc 44) > > MAYA: "Commander." > > -Big Screen (SFX): spiral explodes. (sc 45) > KOENIG: "I don't hate you, Carolyn. Helena doesn't hate you. Sahn doesn't > hate you. Tony doesn't hate you." > > CAROLYN: "Hate me! I hate you!" ((spot explosions, desk blown about)) > > -Big Screen (SFX): spiral explodes. Thrilling, huh? Now here's a bit of "Journey to Where": > ALAN: "Enough?" ((sound of thunder over)) > > HELENA: "Now the fungus." > > Alan gives Koenig fungus; he rubs it in his hands & adds it to the > grinding rock. > > KOENIG: "How's that?" It's the scene where ALAN GIVES KOENIG FUNGUS. If you ever meet Martin Landau, ask him about the time Alan gave him fungus. And the infamous "All That Glitters" (which is always listed as "All That Glisters", but maybe the script couldn't decide whether gold glittered or glistened): > INT. EAGLE PASSENGER SECTION > > Helena notices the rock glowing green. She takes her comlock. > > HELENA: "John." > > KOENIG (VO): "Yes, Helena." > > HELENA: "The rock changed colour." > > EXT. PLANET SURFACE > > HELENA (VO): "It's green." > > KOENIG: "Helena. Get out of there." > > INT. EAGLE PASSENGER SECTION > > KOENIG (VO): "That could be the death colour." WATCH OUT FOR THE DEATH COLOUR, BARBARA BAIN!!! > KOENIG: "Maya! Get out of there!" > > MAYA: "I can't! It's pulling me towards it! But you can break it's grip! > It's using most of it's power to fuse me! Break away now! Break away now!" > > They drop to the floor. The rock changes from blue to red. > > ALAN: "The rock's turned red!" > > MAYA: "Red is death! Red is death!" I love the exciting writing in this episode about the killer rock. (ROCK TURNS FROM BLUE TO RED.) BARBARA BAIN: Look at the rock, which is changing color! MARTIN LANDAU: The rock is changing color! BARBARA BAIN: It was blue! Now it's turning from blue to red! MARTIN LANDAU: Look at it! (THE ROCK RISES INTO THE AIR.) BARBARA BAIN: The rock is rising into the air! MARTIN LANDAU: I can see a string holding it up! BARBARA BAIN: You can see a string holding it up! MARTIN LANDAU: Look at me looking at the string! And now here's the very first scene of the first episode: > 1. EXT. MOON (SFX) > > East hemisphere of Moon, sun beyond. > > Titles over: 'THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON > SEPT 9th 1999' Yes, it said "September 9, 1999" on the screen in big letters during that episode, though every other episode flashed "SEPTEMBER 13, 1999" in huge letters during the title sequence. This is good because the annual a.r.k party is probably going to be within a day of 9/9/99 because 9/13/99 is in the middle of the week. Plus all the computers in the world will crash if they use "9999" to indicate "PLEASE CRASH NOW" and store only two digits for the year and only one digit for the month and for some reason read all three fields as a single number but only this month. Later in the episode: > INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION > > Close on Collins as his right eye twitches irritatingly. No comment. > INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION > > -Eagle viewport (SFX): NW horizon of Moon as brilliant flare grows over it. > -Alan shields his eyes. Always shield your eyes when the northwest quadrant of the Moon explodes. But it's okay to look if the southeast quadrant is exploding. Oddly, when I saw the episode, I didn't really get the sense that they knew which part of the gray beach ball with onion rings glued to it was the southwest quadrant. > INT. MAIN MISSION > > Staff thrown about. > > GIRL: "Nooo!" > > PAUL: "Seal off all sections-" > > GIRL: "Noo!" Remember, three o's indicate more excitement than two o's, so always use the three o's the SECOND time the girl in the script screams if you want to learn to write good. From "The Guardian Of Piri": > 48.EXT. PLANET SURFACE > > Koenig walks round a sphere and places his organitron by it. There is no > reaction. He waves his hand in front of it: a crackle. He takes his > comlock. > > KOENIG: "Helena." Then Martin Landau points his organitron at Barbara Bain to see if she crackles. I wish they'd said "organitron" aloud in the episode. And Woody Allen had written it. > 116.EXT. PLANET SURFACE > > Helena and Victor lie on either side of the stem of a sphere. Words paint such a purty picher. My personal favorite dialogue is from "Black Sun": > VICTOR: "Um. Now, as you know, these eight anti gravity towers stabilise > our gravity here inside Alpha. Now, we're going to use them to create an > entirely new force field effect. By linking and cross linking the anti > gravity screens in each of the towers, the force field.. will look.. > something like this." ((Places frosted glass over model.)) > HELENA (holding up glass cover): "It's ingenious." > > VICTOR (Takes glass): "It's insane." ((puts it back over model)) > 44B.INT. MAIN MISSION > > -Big Screen (SFX)/ Main Mission: base & force field shown on screen. > Murmur of awe and delight ripples through staff. > > SANDRA: "It is beautiful. Like fish scales." > > DAVID: "It will cut through fish scales." > VICTOR (cautiously, VO): "I can hear your thoughts." > > KOENIG (VO): "Yes... " > > VICTOR (VO): "It's very beautiful." > > KOENIG (VO): "I can see the theory behind your force field." > > VICTOR (VO): "It's very obvious." IT'S DRAMATIC! IT'S BAD! > INT. EAGLE PILOT SECTION > > Alan fades out of existence; the head rest of his chair is left. > VICTOR (VO): "Are you...God?" > > VOICE (VO): "It was good to have known you." > RYAN: "Sir, all it has is a lot of gravity." These scripts are obviously trasncriptions of the completed episodes, not actual shooting scripts, as they match the broadcast episodes exactly (down to Victor waving his cigar around and description sof the really lame special effects): > VICTOR (surprise): "I don't feel cold." > > KOENIG: "I don't feel anything." > > VICTOR: "Of course, it's -possible -that we don't exist." > > KOENIG (course whisper as silver strands fill screen): "I exist... I > exist... I exist... " I'd like to see the scripts from BEFORE the filmed the episode, to see what the writer intended for the awesome thing represented by the double-exposure of the tinsel curtain in the final version. Another great special effect, from "Another Place, Another Time": > EXT. SPACE (SFX) > > The Moon glows and forms a double image. > 8.EXT. SPACE (SFX) > > Double image of Moon splits. > 10.EXT. SPACE (SFX) > > Double image of Moon splits. But even amid those special effects there's room from brilliant dialogue: > -Big Screen (SFX): planet > > COMPUTER: "Third Planet Distance From The Sun Ninety Three Million Miles" > > -Main Mission: Koenig & others listen > > COMPUTER: "Diameter Seven Thousand, Nine Hundred and Twenty Six Miles. > Axial Rotation Twenty Three Hours and Fifty Six Minutes. Third Planet Is > The Third Planet Of Our Solar System" > > -Big Screen (SFX): planet > > COMPUTER: "Planet's Name Is Earth." I think Douglas Adams made a note of that speech. > Helena enters, carrying a thermographic plate. Koenig takes it. > > KOENIG: "Regina? I thought her condition was a mental one." > > HELENA: "I thought so too." > > KOENIG: "Victor?" > > VICTOR (holds it up): "Two brains." You have to realize that Helena is holding up a fake X-ray of a head with two brains inside it to fully appreciate that special moment. > EARTH HELENA: "Is here with you, isn't he? Don't be frightened. My time > here is finished." > > ALPHA HELENA (stands): "No! We could help each other." > > EARTH HELENA: "It's my own decision." > > ALPHA HELENA: "You mustn't die." > > EARTH HELENA: "It's not death. It's..returning..to you, to myself, and > through you finding all those I love. Including John. Goodbye." ((leaves)) I apologize if pasting in these pieces of the episode makes it seem disjointed, but there's nothing I can do -- the scene where the girl develops a second brain doesn't exactly connect with any of the adjacent scenes anyway. Apparently everyone gets an evil twin except the girl who died in the Other Universe so she goes insane because she has to have two brains because she doesn't have an evil twin. I think. More brain damage -- "Breakaway": > VICTOR: "So far their brain activity's normal." > > HELENA: "So far." > HELENA: "It's not a virus. What they have is an unusual form of brain > damage. Their condition is critical." > KOENIG (stands & walks to post): "There was another death this morning. > At the Nuclear Disposal Area. Doctor Russell talks about a kind of brain > damage. Caused by what she thinks is radiation." > HELENA: "Magnetic energy causing brain damage?" And "Black Sun" again: > KOENIG (walking after, VO): "Every star is just a cell, in the brain of > the Universe." ((Sc 129)) > > VOICE (VO): "That is a lovely way to understand it." "Ring Around The Moon": > BOB: "We've actually seen it, Commander. At the base of the brain, in the > cerebellum." > > HELENA: "Yes. A ball of orange light. Very weak. Pulsating. And then it > died out. There was very little brain tissue left to examine. Most of it > had..melted." "Alpha Child": > BOB: "His brain activity looks no more, no less than you'd expect of a > five year old." [She's talking about the scriptwriter.] "Death's Other Dominion": > TANNER: "Oh, yes, wonderful. Science in the belly and salad on the brain." "War Games": > MALE ALIEN: "The tactile world around you now is a brain." "The Troubled Spirit", one of several episodes about space ghosts: > VICTOR: "Yes, but Paul- We all know that human beings use no more than > about eighteen per cent of their actual brain potential. Now what happens > in that other eighty two per cent is anybody's guess." But, as Karlo pointed out, "Space Brain" (the killer soap-suds episode) is the bestest of them all: > POV: Space Brain Sequence (sc 74): blurred images, > of hieroglyphics, various lights & colours superimposed over > Koenig. We see the space brain. > VICTOR: "Those brain patterns are fantastic for a man who's totally > anaesthetised." > EXT. SPACE (SFX) > > Space brain spews antibodies. And more space brains in "Dragon's Domain": > CELLINI: "I'm waiting to go out there too. Opening now." > > -Main Module (sc 44) The door opens. The forms of the spinner & space > brain emerge. The girls scream. > > DARWIN: "Close it, Tony!" DARWIN SCARED! SPACE BRAIN SUDSY! "The Metamorph": > HELENA: "They're all behaving in the same way. It must be some sort of > brain damage." "The Taybor": > 71.INT. TAYBOR'S GRAND SALON > > TAYBOR: "Call it a preorientation. Before you get to the brain boggling > parts." ((laughs)) "Brian The Brain", one of the silliest-looking robots ever: > BRIAN: "I'm on the talking seeing head, the Brain. The rest of me is that > old computer on the Swift." > TONY: "Oh, come on, Maya. Well, give it a chance, it's doing a check for > us. We don't know where we're heading yet. You know what your problem is? > You brain works like a computer so you're jealous of that other computer." > MAYA: "The Brain had the same computer as ours. When it got in here it > somehow gave the command 'eradicate'." Good thing it didn't have the same computer as the Daleks. > FRASER (on screen): "What is the Brain, some crazy hijacking slot machine?" > > BRIAN: "Who's a fruit machine, you plastic pin brain, you!" > MICHAEL: "Brain." > > BRIAN: "Waargh!" ((spot explosions on him)) Poor Spot! > HELENA: "Another lie from Brian the Brain." > TONY: "Hey, Maya. Now that our computer has the Brain's memory, you'd > better not transform yourself into a yellow wheeled trolley. Or this > console will get up and chase you." ((Maya laughs)) And now "Bringers of Wonder", the episode with the space aliens made from shower curtains and plastic tubing (like Kosh, only bad): > HELENA: "He's got a severe concussion." ((sees Maya looking at complex)) > "It's a feedback complex, Maya. It takes brain impulses, modifies them, > feeds them back into the brain." > > BEN: "It's like a brain massage, electronic." > HELENA: "At the moment he is linked to an Ellendorf quadrographic brain > complex." > > DIANA: "How very wise of you, darling." "The Seance Spectre", another space ghost episode: > HELENA: "One thing about oxygen deprivation. We can tell fast if there's > been any brain damage." "Dorzak": > HELENA: "Yes. The Crotons developed the device > to jam psycho waves before they entered the brain." "Devil's Planet", the episode with the whip-wielding women in spandex: > ELIZIA: "Have you tapped his brain for medical knowledge? Does he know how > to produce immunity to the nerve bacteria on the home planet? Why didn't > he die? > > INTERROGATOR: "I don't know yet. I can't tell how much he knows. His brain > resists certain questions. He has a strong will." > > ELIZIA: "Weaken it." > > INTERROGATOR: "His brain composition differs from ours in certain areas." And now a bit from the "Space: 1999" episode "The Immunity Syndrome", not to be confused with the "Star Trek" episode "The Immunity Syndrome": > ED: "I've given him a shot to stop him sinking any further, but, ah, > without proper medical facilities there could be brain damage." > ED: "I examined Lustig. It was the laser beam that killed him. But I've > found evidence of brain cell expansion. The kind of pressure that can > first drive a man mad..then kill him." ((beat)) And finally, I hope you've spotted the pattern as we come to the final episode, "The Dorcons": > MAYA: "Mm. When it found me it changed intensity. It almost tore > my brain apart." > KOENIG: "Yeah. There's no sign of brain damage." > > HELENA: "None that registers." > HELENA: "They want your brain stem?" > EXT. SPACE (SFX) > > Dorcon ship, with space brain shape superimposed over. > > INT. COMMAND CENTRE > > They watch. > > EXT. SPACE (SFX) > > Ship & space brain shape. It explodes. So you see, it turns out that every episode of "Space: 1999" was about either (a) a space ghost causing brain damage, (b) a space brain causing ghost damage, or (c) a TV series caused by brain damage. -- K. RRR! NEED FEWER BRAINS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Space:1999 - Space Brain (script) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 03:43:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > ["Space: 1999" pastiche] > > > > (ROCK TURNS FROM BLUE TO RED.) > > > > BARBARA BAIN: Look at the rock, which is changing color! > > > > MARTIN LANDAU: The rock is changing color! > > > > BARBARA BAIN: It was blue! Now it's turning from blue to red! > > > > MARTIN LANDAU: Look at it! > > > > (THE ROCK RISES INTO THE AIR.) > > > > BARBARA BAIN: The rock is rising into the air! > > > > MARTIN LANDAU: I can see a string holding it up! > > > > BARBARA BAIN: You can see a string holding it up! > > > > MARTIN LANDAU: Look at me looking at the string! > > It's not really very fair of you to write a better script for "Space: > 1999" than they did, because you have the advantage of 20/20 hindsight, > and you live in the futuristic year of 1999. You're just mean! Yes, but I don't live on the Moon, so I'm obviously unqualified to write for "Space: 1999". AND IT'S NOT MY FAULT I CAN'T GO TO THE MOON! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF COMPLAINING THAT I'M NOT ON THE MOON, YOU BIG MEANIE!!! Also, I'm confused -- here it is 1999 and I can't seem to find that party that Prince said we were going to have. Where's the party? And why didn't anyone send me any presents? > > [quoting from the episode] "Death's Other Dominion": > > > > > > TANNER: "Oh, yes, wonderful. Science in the belly and salad on the brain." > > "Space: 1999" is genius! They predicted Archimedes Plutonium before > Nostradamus did! I think it's a Shakespeare reference, because Brian Blessed was in that episode, and because I don't understand it. Either that, or: Stephen Will Tanner eats science and shoves salad up his nose. -- K. I've got bootleg tapes of "Nostradamus & Andy". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WoSaT versions? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 00:41:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [discussion in alt.fan.mike-jittlov re "The Wizard of Speed & Time"] "John Hudgens (Fenn)" (f-shysa@usit.net) wrote: > > "DFREG" (dfreg@aol.com) wrote: > > > > I've heard this also. I've got both, but haven't yet done a side by side > > comparison to see what the differences are. I have notice some sort of > > video jitter, or stutter, in one scene on my laser. I think it's due to a > > bad transfer rather than the disc being bad. It's the lab scene right > > after the producer's party. Every shot with the lab dude, but not those > > with Mike's hand sticking thru the window. Does anyone else with a laser > > have this problem? > > That stutter is (IIRC) from Mike having to use a work print to > finish those scenes, as that was part of the negative that was "lost" by > the processing house and mixed up with Universal's "The Wizard" with > Fred Savage... it's on both the LD and the SGE versions of the tape > (which are identical)... can't speak for the Starmaker version, tho... Yeah, that's the case. I always figured it was intentional the the film quality gets wacky for just that one scene in the film-to-video transfer lab, but Mike said it was unintentional. He once mentioned that he slapped together the scratchy version of that scene in David L. Hewitt's home -- Mr. Hewitt being the director of such classics as "The Lucifer Complex", "The Wizard of Mars" (aka "Horrors of the Red Planet) and "Journey To The Center Of Time". All of which I've seen a few times for their sheer schlock value, being somewhat jumbled collections of stock footage, bad special effects, and cameos by Forrest Ackerman. ("Journey To The Center Of Time", incidentally, is a remake of "The Time Travellers", which I believe was a major inspiration for Irwin Allen's "The Time Tunnel", not to be confused with Irwin Allen's remake of "The Time Tunnel" called "Time Travellers". Bizarre, huh?) Just think, the guy who made "Journey To The Center Of Time" helped with "The Wizard Of Speed And Time". It's like finding out that "Citizen Kane" and "Robot Monster" both contain stock footage from the same film.* Anyway, the one scratchy scene in "The Wizard of Speed & Time" is on every print or transfer, unless someone finds the original footage under Fred Savage's bed. But in my opinion that one scene SHOULD be scratchy. -- K. *"One Million Years B.C." (1940) Yes, "Citizen Kane" has a pterodactyl if you look REALLY close. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fast speeds Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 2 Aug 1999 04:57:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > I remember using 1200 baud, just a scant two years ago. For mudding, > > though, so it doesn't count. I have a hefty kewl 9600 baud modem now, > > which is actually not so bad for lynx and nn and telnet, but which sux > > donkey doots when I'm editing in any sort of buffer. Yeah, well, I remember reading Usenet on a General Electric TermiNet band printer which was louder than the average chainsaw, in exactly the same way. It worked like this: All the letters of the alpbabet were on this big loop of spring steel, in a funny order, like so: q a z 9 w s x e d c r f v t g b y h n u j m i k , o 6 l . p ; / 1 4 7 0 2 5 8 3 ...and it was spinning around at several hundred RPM past these 132 "striker" levers like in a piano. And they would all fire at slightly different times to produce the line as rapidly as possible, depending on the phase of the orbit of the desired letters. For instance, if someone posted "AAAAAAAAAAAA" to talk.bizarre, the thing would go "SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEET" as all the strikers fired in sequence, and if someone posted "qaz9wsxedcrf" or whatever the order was, all the strikers would fire simultaneously and it would go "SKRUNCH!!!" And my ribbon wore out so I had to read Usenet by listening to the sounds it made and figuring out what letters it sounded like. So there. Oh, yeah, also I had one of those old 3.1 baud modems. And the alphabet was represented with only 3 bits per letter. With lossy compression. > But, Stacia! Why are you using all this old hardware, when you can > EASILY get a FREE PC from your local MicroCompCenterUSAWorld? It's > so simple to get one, the FREE PC is a respectable low-end 1999 model, > and they don't want much from you... > > ...just your IMMORTAL SOUL! I have just secured my place in Not Hell (I doubt I could get into Heaven, but now I know I'm not going to Hell, so I guess I'm going to Not Hell, which is like purgatory only not bad) by removing the Pentium from my computer. That's right, I opened up my computer, pulled out the Pentium, and put it away in that box with the picture of Dave Cross giggling like an idiot at how happy he is that he has a Pentium. (Every once in a while someone at a computer company is thinking, "Our target audience consists of screaming nerds! So let's put a picture of a screaming nerd, seen through a fisheye lens, on the box! They'll love it! Make his pocket protector bigger! Put thicker optically flat glass in his prop eyeglasses!" It took a while to get it out, as I had to remove all the little cables that leeched analog audio off my SCSI CD-ROM drive into the Soundblaster 16, etc., but I eventually got the Pentium and its little octopus-like motherboard out of my computer. So now I have no Pentium, no Soundblaster, no Game Port, no SVGA video adapter, and definitely no analog anything anywhere inside my computer. And I'm happy, because I figured having that extra CPU in there just slowed my computer down, because I never used it, but having two CPUs of different types made the thing not warmstart properly once in a while, so I wasted valuable seconds rebooting an extra time every few days. Also the stupid Pentium only came with 16-bit Windows drivers, so Windows 95 would run but no Windows 95 programs would run. So all I could do under Windows 95 was to drag icons around, but if I tried to actually run a program, boom. Besides, I have too many operating systems installed. If I can just get it down to one or two flavors of UNIX plus one of Mac OS I'll be happy. So, my Pentium's gone. The world's worst CPU -- the Apple-vended Pentium. I have simultaneously cleansed my immortal soul of much contamination from Intel, Microsoft, *and* Apple. Now if I could only get rid of the rest, I'd be happy. Do they still make Atari 800s? I think that's the only computer I ever loved unconditionally. > ...and a promise that your heirs will buy their > Internet service for all eternity! It's value added > 'cause they have a special Web page JUST FOR YOU! > > > (Boston area residents will want to imagine the above narrated by the > devil guy from the Walcott Appliances ad. Wacky music plays as this > guy dressed as the devil talks in front of stock footage of flames. > "Believe it or not, I know a lot about kitchens. I spend a lot of time > there. You know the saying... [waves hand] heat?" The ad ends with the > words "DON'T MENTION THE DEVIL!" in the corner of the > screen.) AUGH! MATT! DON'T POST HTML THAT BLINKS! YOU'RE WORSE THAN HITLER, SATAN, BILL GATES, STEVE JOBS, AND BOB HOPE COMBINED!!! > Sam and Kibo and I went to Micro Center last weekend so that Kibo could > buy his iBook, and they didn't have any, Well, DUH, 'cause like I said they're not going to ship until they ask the FCC to approve them around September 31. It's not like I would have actually bought one of the things after taking a good look at how the thing has a tiny screen surrounded by a huge expanse of translucent flame orange plastic. I was really hoping they'd have a few portables I could play with so I could see how they ranged in weights and keyboard sizes, but I went over to Circuit City later where there weren't as many bozos running around (even the bozos don't like Circuit City, I guess) and I could fondle the laptops to my heart's content unmolested by even the slightest hint of salespeople. (I concluded they all have exactly the same case size and weight, except for the few little ones like the Sony Vaio 505 which are half-size and don't have either CD-ROM or floppy drives. The Sony 505 is a cute little bastard. And it's RECTANGULAR! Why doesn't anyone else make computers with NORMAL CORNERS like that?) > so Kibo just picked up a copy of some magazine "Game Developer" I'm in the middle of their series on game AIs, I need to go get the current issue 'cause I don't like reading magazines for free off the Web because it's no fun unless you can rip out all those postcards and throw them at the wastebasket. > and we went to the checkout line to buy it. Only the checkout line didn't > move for about thirty minutes, because every line was full of people > hauling their FREE PCs in bright purple boxes, and the checkout people felt > compelled to sterilize the needle every time they drew blood for the > contract. So Kibo had to abandon the magazine. I didn't HAVE to. If I were a complete moron. Of course, then I would have had one of those Systemax PClets instead of Game Developer magazine. I think those PCs are normally about $500 (plus monitor), or you can get one for free by signing up for Compuserve for three years at $30/month. In other words, you can get one for free for only about $580 above retail. One thing I noticed while shopping for computers this week is that every time you buy a computer, you get a choice of $100 of *or* something which used to cost over $100 and you're not supposed to know doesn't. Like a three-color inkjet printer (approximate retail value: $90) or 64 megs of memory (approximate retail value: $80). I finally settled on the catalog that had $100 cash back plus a $25 gift certificate and a $60 carrying case, since I needed a carrying case anyway, and nobody else had that much in total discounts. (Prices are essentially fixed, so they're forbidden to sell the computers cheaper than the manufacturer sells them directly, but they can get around this with "cash back". You know, like cars. Only the salespeople aren't usually as well-adjusted as car salesmen.) Hey, Matt, remember the guy at Lechmere who only knew the sentence, "THAT'S A TURTY-NINE DOT MONITA!" > Also there was no air conditioning. You know the saying... heat? And the place was filled with computers with giant heat sinks spraying infrared radiation into the air, and hot sweaty nerds, and it was near a Trader Joe's. All sorts of unpleasantries. What I like about Microbe Center, as I've said before, is that (a) the salespeople are so clueless that they're lots of fun to play with, and (b) they let you return anything, no matter how illegal (used computer software) or how stupid (used write-once discs.) I'm st