Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 02:52:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Poot Rootbeer" wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've probably got that wrong somewhere but I'm sure someone who is > > much nerdier than I am will correct me. > > The part you got wrong is that 68000-class processors don't have EIEIO, and > PowerPC's do, according to my Motorola Programmer's Manuals. But I trust > Kibo more than books, so I'll just make a few corrections in the texts. Oh, whatever. It's not like it matters, because EIEIO doesn't do anything. Unless it shouldn't. In which case it does. But where nobody can see it. Besides, I had the Motorola 6502C "User's Manual" consisting of the piece of yellow cardboard with a list of most of the opcodes, most of which were documented correctly. So I'm still sore at learning assembly language programming on a machine whose 6502 development environment crashed and burned if you ever used the Y register (you could use the OTHER register, of the TWO registers, all you wanted) and the only documentation on how assembly language worked was this card that Motorola allowed Atari to give away. Still, it could have been worse. Atari could have written their own card. These were the people whose DOS 2.0 manual told me it was pronounced like the Spanish number 2, and to this day I have to fight the urge to incorrectly correct the pronunciation of every MS-DOS user in the world. -- K. So how come nobody ever pronounced it "do's"? Then you could call MS-DOS "messy do's" and everyone would make fun of Bill Gates for having a bad hairstyle. I wish you could do that. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb dream #1394. Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 19:20:22 GMT Organization: HappyNet Headquarters I recently wrote: > > "Poot Rootbeer" wrote: > > > > The part you got wrong is that 68000-class processors don't have EIEIO, > > and PowerPC's do, according to my Motorola Programmer's Manuals. But > > I trust Kibo more than books, so I'll just make a few corrections in > > the texts. > > Oh, whatever. It's not like it matters, because EIEIO doesn't do anything. > Unless it shouldn't. In which case it does. But where nobody can see it. Just to raise the nerdity quotient of the newsgroup, I am going to follow up to my own posting, and quote from a book I got really, really, really cheap in the remainder bin at Microbe Center: [re the 68040 emulator on PowerPC Macs] Finally, the emulator gets a chance to use the must fun PowerPC instruction: EIEO. As described in Chapter 5, EIEIO (enforce in-order execution of I/O) makes sure that write operations to memory are performed in the order that the software being executed specifies. With many RISC architectures, the processor could deliberately reorder writes to memory [as opposed to those that do it accidentally?] to improve performance. In instances where writing to memory controls I/O devices, such reordering can cause big problems. The Power Macs' emulator interprets the 68k NOP instruction (no operation) and executes an EIEIO. On pipelined versions of the 68040, a NOP has the same effect as EIEIO anyway. So we're both right. I HATE THAT!!! Of course, this book also says my computer's supposed to be able to run Windows NT and Solaris. Hey, do I have to upgrade from a LaserWriter II to a LaserWriter II NT to use Windows NT? -- K. So how come Congress is all worried about that silly Y2K bug that won't bother anyone, but they never did anything about the 46-day thingie in Win95? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's Gayest Computer Redux Date: Wed, 4 Aug 1999 19:38:10 GMT Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of course I wasn't being pejorative. I was being superlative. As in > > "That computer is so completely, incredibly gay, Bill Gates couldn't > > in a million years come up with something as sissy as that, that computer > > is the ultimate pinnacle of human accomplishment in the department of > > swishitude." So, you see, I ain't no homophobe. I have nothing against > > gay people. I just don't like gay _computers_. But I accept that many > > people worked really hard for a long time to make the iBook just the > > very gayest computer it could be. It's a wonderful achievement in the > > field of gay computing. > > I think we have a new challenger. > > http://www.barbiepc.com > > The site isn't yet up, but the press release states: > > ! The Barbie PC comes in silver with pink and purple flowers. It features > ! 20 entertainment and educational software titles, including the Barbie > ! Riding Club CD-ROM, Barbie Cool Looks Fashion Designer CD-ROM and > ! Compton's Encyclopedia. > ! > ! The package also includes the popular Barbie digital camera, a Barbie > ! mouse and a CD holder. > > The press release blames a Canadian manufacturer, Patriot Computing, > for this, providing yet another reason to invade. > > Obviously, Kibo's dream about the world's gayest computer had nothing to > do with the iBook, and he bought the wrong computer! Christmas was > ruined! I thought the dream was telling me not to buy an iBook, so I didn't. But if I had known the dream was actually telling me not to buy a Barbie PC, I could have saved a lot of money and just bought the G. I. Joe PC! (Do they still make the Evel Knievel PC?) > > If this "gay computers" trend catches on, they'll also have to have > > super-macho computers for Real Men, like ridgy chrome things with > > big Harley logos and laser sights. > > See . Though that's kinda gay, too, what with > being blue and gold. Old wisdom: "Never program a computer you can lift." -- Barry Shein Modern wisdom: "I'd rather have an actual toy than a computer shaped like a toy." -- Kibo > Not that there's anything wrong with that, > especially when it comes with a steering wheel. > > (The last straight line provided for your convenience.) Hmm, in the photo, the Barbie PC is shown with the Barbie digital camera, but the Hot Wheels PC doesn't have a camera or steering wheel or anything. It just looks like a cheap little PC with flames painted on the side and no wheels. So I think any intelligent consumer would have to go for the Barbie computer instead, 'cause, hey, free camera. > Now, if it was a *Matchbox* PC... Now that they have those Lego robots you can control with your PC, I'm still waiting for them to bring out a Lego PC. What? You want a built-to-order computer? No problem, here are all the bricks and some instructions. -- K. The rest of the instructions cost an extra $500. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fry's and Porn Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 05:11:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Samantha Wilkinson (sammie@world.std.com) wrote: > > Gee, I thought everyone had the college experience where someone > would declare that the school should start requiring pictures with > admissions applications in order to weed out all of the ugly women that > infest the campus. ^^^^^^^^^^ You misspelled "ugly dishwashers who think the Universe is a giant atom of plutonium at the center of their brain." Hope this helps. > Note that I only saw men doing this thing. As far as > I can tell, every college had people complaining about the lack of > attractive women and believing that they were all going to some other > school. In the meantime, I would be looking around me and trying to > figure out what the hell they were talking about. And then, due to a computer mix-up, you were assigned a dorm room with twin hunky male models AND the prudish basketball coach! And the Dean couldn't kick you off the campus because your father donated a billion dollars! And then you adopted a cute little black kid when the show started to become stale when you graduated after the first twelve seasons! > Some men grow out of this. Some men go to their grave believing they have > a God-given right to date only women that look like models. But that's beside the point. Colleges have the right to enforce their rule that only fashion models are qualified to take advanced calculus courses. At MIT, in one of the dorms (Ashdown), I noticed they had posted little snapshots of all the students there. (They all looked like something "E!" would refer to as "...the last known photo of...") Except that about 25% of them did not have photos. They had round yellow smiley faces where their photos should be. Now, these smileys came in three sizes. So, at MIT, the pecking order is this: * cute students with enormous round yellow heads * cute students with round yellow heads * cute students with tiny round yellow heads * geeky-looking students I think the lesson to be learned is: If you want to get into MIT, eat nothing but carotene for a month, and lose the eyebrows and the nose. -- K. After all, Judge Mills Lane looks fine without eyebrows, and he's on TV! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Where have you gone, David Hasselhoff? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 5 Aug 1999 05:26:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Christian Science Monitor wrote: > > Subject: Where have you gone, David Hasselhoff? Need I point out that it couldn't possibly live up to the Subject: header? I mean, I didn't hear anything on the TV about David Hasselhoff falling into a black hole, so I'm not getting my hopes up. > Len Hughes, a California lifeguard recruiter, decided this season > would be different. For months, he and San Clemente Beach officials > saturated local radio waves, newspaper ads, and supermarket fliers > with an urgent plea: ``Lifeguards Wanted.'' > But only 42 applicants ended up turning out - a historic low. Of > those, fewer than half passed the first interview. Worst of all, five > had to be rescued in their first swim trial. Unfortunately, nobody was there to rescue them, and they all drowned. The five will be appearing on David Hasselhoff's new "Zombie Baywatch". > ``I've never seen anything like it,'' Mr. Hughes says. ``The worse > news is that everyone I've talked to nationwide is having the same > problem.'' Then he realized that his fly was down. And so was everyone else's!!! > From Maine to Florida, San Diego to Washington State, lifeguard > chairs at pools, lakes, and ocean beaches are missing the > Fabio-physiqued water hunks of yesteryear more than any time in > decades. With a water-tight job market, the high-school-to-30 age > group that usually fills the bill is making more money at other > things. And as the dog days of August approach, when only dogs are allowed in the water, > even the few lifeguards that remain are beginning to dwindle as some > steal away for vacations or return to college early. > ``There are so many more activities competing for the attention of > young people, that spending a summer working for a low wage as a > lifeguard has dropped way down the list,'' says Chris Brewster, > lifeguard chief for the San Diego Lifeguard Service. ``They can make > so much more money elsewhere without the hundreds of hours of formal > training it takes to be a lifeguard that they are skipping the option, > to the detriment of the rest of us.'' OH NO MY LIFE IS BEING DETRIMENTED BY THE LACK OF FAKE DAVID HASSELHOFFS!!! > Besides the soaring economy and tight job market, observers say, > several longer-term factors contribute to the shortage. > Smaller applicant pool Yes, even little Scooby-Doo inflatable pools need lifeguards. Would YOU be a lifeguard for a Scooby Snack? > After years of cutbacks and shifts in leisure-and-sport pursuits at > the community level, the once-large pool of trained teenagers rising > through the ranks of local swim clubs has evaporated. And because of a > soaring economy, the superathletes who used lifeguarding to keep in > shape in the off season now have more money and backing to keep them > in training for the events they excel at, like football or gymnastics. > At the same time, standards for certification have been lowered, as > private companies have rushed to fill the need for lifeguards, but > with qualifying requirements that have driven down the national norm. > At swimming venues around the country, the resulting shortage is > characterized as anywhere from a minor inconvenience to a crisis. > Recreation officials are having to increase pay, hire > less-than-desirable talent, close sections of beach, or just do > without. Ah, we found David Hasselhoff. The guy who has less than the desirable talent. > In Connecticut, miles of public beach along Long Island Sound are > not currently protected by lifeguards. Huntington Beach, Calif., made > famous in songs such as ``Surf City,'' is 10 short. The first time I read that, it said "Smurf City" in my brain, and I don't like having Smurf City in my brain. HELP ME, GARGAMEL!!! > ``I'd call it a national crisis,'' says Rich Connell, beach > supervisor at Del Ray Beach, Fla. Last year, eight applicants applied > for more than a dozen openings there. None could pass. This year, > three showed up and again, none passed. This is why your college has a swim test requirement for undergraduates. To ensure you have marketable job skills. You could be a life guard, or a guy who dives for pennies in Micronesia, or a guy who catches snakes in the sewer... > [...] > > He adds that New York City has tried to fill its breach by hiring > actors from TV's ``Baywatch'' to extol the work of lifeguards in > public-service announcements. But similar appeals here have only led > to applications by wannabees who try but can't swim. SCIENTISTS HAVE PROVEN THAT IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR WANNA BEES TO SWIM!!! > ``I compare this to putting on a play while you are still doing the > casting, and rehearsing while the curtain goes up,'' Hughes says. And filming it and titling it "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". -- K. I think Shatner would make a good David Hasselhoff. And vice versa. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.physics.accelerators,sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jupiter's red spot, algae sea??; Re: revised Miller experiment of 1953 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1999 05:33:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.bio.misc, sci.physics.accelerators, and sci.astro, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) replied to himself: > > [...] > > However, since I am the King of Science I must state a far-fetched > explanation that may also cause Jupiter's red spot. Yes, I suppose you must. Also, because I am the King of Pez, you must now put Pez in your ears. By the way, how does is the Great Red Spot caused by the fact that your proposal is far-fetched? > It is not a Occam's Razor explanation but rather a far fetched one. I don't believe that. > Consider that if energetic stopped photons have DNA internal parts > that can come to life, then Also, if nuclear invisible rabbits made of marshmallows are eating my secret other brain, then _____________________________ Q.E.D!!!!!!!!!!! (That logic works just as well no matter what you put in the blank. THIS MEANS CHARLES NELSON REILLY IS AS GOOD A PHYSICIST AS YOU!) > consider that all of the photons that hit > upon Jupiter, that some of these photons become reddish Jupiter algae. I'm sorry, Archie, but all real scientists know that all the algae on Jupiter is fluorescent brown with gamma-ray-colored polka dots. Just ask Hanna-Maria Poropudas. > And the best place for these algae to live is in a large conglomeration > near Jupiters equator. IF YOU LIVED IN THIS LARGE CONGLOMERATION, YOU'D BE HOME BY NOW! > And consider that Mars rocks were observed to contain some forms of > life. Perhaps all of the planets and asteroids have been bombarded with > enough energetic photons to harbor traces if not actual living samples > of stopped photon life. > > My first bet is that Jupiter's Red Spot is a sunken meteor. But it is > possible that the Jupiter Red Spot is a collection of life such as a > algal sea. It's also possible that someday you might say something intelligent. -- K. My money's on the invisible marshmallow space rabbits taking you away before that happens. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.physics.accelerators,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: revised Miller experiment of 1953 Re: newly created life (AIDS virus?) disproves Darwin Evolution Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1999 05:45:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.bio.misc, sci.physics.accelerators, and sci.chem, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > How I came upon this idea that a photon has perfect DNA wrapped up > inside of itself? Well, one good feature of the Internet is that it is > my personal science diary And good feature of your personal science diary is that we can print it out as many times as we need to, to fill up the toilet-paper holder. > and I can go back in time and see how my thoughts developed. Yeah, you USED to be so dumb. > And at this moment in time I do _not remember_ how > I came upon that idea that photons have perfect DNA as internal parts. I think a magical photon filled with Science Ideas hit you in the head. And it weighed about fifty pounds. > I suspect that I came upon that idea years ago because I noticed that > the photon or Light Wave is a transverse wave of magnetic field and > electric field and then, by analogy, looking at a model of DNA of its > spiral staircase, one can easily transfer that geometric image to the > transverse wave of a Light Wave. Thus, in my mind was born the theory > that Photons = perfect DNA. Not just the ordinary DNA found in humans > or other species but DNA that is perfect. Perfect means it has the > potential to become human DNA should it come to rest, That can't be true, Arch. You spend a lot of time sitting in the same spot in the computer lab and you haven't turned human yet. > and perfect in that it has the potential to become DNA far better > than human DNA. > > But the intent of this post today is not to talk about my history of > discovering the idea that Photon = perfect DNA, but rather, the intent > of this post is to talk about *gaps* in science, wherein filling those > gaps will lead to a great science theory. THE THEORY OF GAPOLOGY!!! > Talking about gaps in physics or talking about physics in the Gap. Like, you know, fer sure! > connected to biology leads to my theory that Photons = perfect DNA. But > before I talk about the gap between physics and biology, let me talk > about other gaps in science to make this gap easier to understand. > > [...] > > And the Atom Totality theory is the logical culmination of all of > Quantum Mechanics. For if QM is on the large scale as proved by Bell > Inequality implies that the universe itself is an atom. No, see, it's the Bell INEQUALITY. It proves that the Universe *can't* be an atom. > But I wanted to discuss mostly the feature of *gaps* in science. And > when a gap in science occurrs, the solution for the gap is often a > revolutionary change in the science. The Atom Totality theory is > certainly revolutionary. That explains that new quarter I saw, showing you standing up in a rowboat. > [...] > > Enough discussion about gaps in science. Oh, good, he's not going to talk about gaps in science any more as he continues: > The gap in bridging biology > with physics was not how I personally discovered the theory Photons = > perfect DNA internal parts. But rather, after I discovered this theory, > I realized that a gap existed between physics and biology and that this > theory would eliminate that gap. Thus, gaps, once we realize they exist > in a science, the resolution of that gap is usually some new > revolutionary idea. And that the gap resolution is a supporting > evidence for the new theory, and usually the gap does not help one to > discover the new theory that resolves the gap. The gap between QM and > NM was around for most of Bohr's life and it did not help him in > finding a resolution. > > Recognition of a gap in a science can occur before the new theory that > resolves the gap is discovered. Or the recognition of the gap can occur > after a new theory that resolves the gap is discovered. And you should receive a Nobel Prize for BEING THAT GAP!!! > No-one in the biology community recognized or realized that there was > a huge gap between pre-life and Darwin Evolution theory. My discovery > of Photon = perfect DNA was before I discovered the gap between > pre-life and Darwin Evolution. And this gap is now helping me and the > biology community to confirm the new theory that Photons = perfect DNA > as internal parts. It would be better if you had said "internal pants". Because someone really should make those atoms wear underwear. -- K. Also, they should make YOU wear underwear. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Toothpaste ingredients Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1999 05:49:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.chem, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Precisely what are the whitening ingredients among the ingredients > indicated on toothpaste packaging labelling that are the whitening > agents for Colgate, Ultrabrite, Crest, etc. whitening brands? A mixture of Marshmallow Fluff and vichysoisse. -- K. Hmm, that sounds good. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave-foley,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: foley's hair Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 03:36:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fan.dave-foley, "THYME1411" (thyme1411@aol.com) wrote: > > dave's hair looks alright with the new hair cut.but i don't like the beard. > i'm not being mean he just like doesn't look good. I think it's understandable that he changed his look, now that he doesn't want to be known only as the one gay guy in the cast of "The Kids In The Hall". -- K. (not that there's anything wrong with that.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave-foley,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: foley's hair Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 04:11:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fan.dave-foley, "chicky" (knfitzpa@sophia.smith.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [usual meme about Dave Foley being the only gay guy on "Kids In The Hall"] > > you guys, we have now been visited by greatness. if this post be real, it > means that kibo has come into our presence and decided we were worthy of > speaking to. *bows down to the god* Speaking? I was typing. I know not of this speaking of which you speak. > http://www.kibology.com will tell you a teeny-tiny bit about who he is. > alt.religion.kibology (the other group this was cross-posted to) will give > you an example of the freaks and weirdos who frequent his little cave. I like http://www.kibo.com better, myself. Of course, the content there is at LEAST as stale as on the other one, if not more so. > (and is a group that those of us who need something better to do with our > time than wait the 20 seconds for a new post on alt.tv.newsradio or > alt.tv.kith or here. ) Well, you gotta have SOMETHING to do now that "Mystery Science Theater 3000" got cancelled because Dave Nelson didn't want to wear a dress any more. > don't say i didn't warn you, though. YOU DIDN'T WARN ME, THOUGH. WHO'S ON FIFTH BASE? THOUGH! (Everyone on the Internet chases Kibo to the horizon in fast-motion.) > ~katie (who's actually quite impressed) > > ---------------------------------------------------------------- > the curves of your lips rewrite history - curt wylde, "velvet goldmine" > > just because we're canadian does *not* mean we are spies!!!!!! - dave > nelson, "newsradio" > > come inside chicky's world -- http://sophia.smith.edu/~knfitzpa/ Must... not... drag... "The Unknown Comic"... into... this... -- K. I appreciate the irony of the fact that he became much less famous when he revealed his real name. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.blair-witch,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Witch Is Real Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 03:47:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.postmodern,alt.cheap.college.film.project.that.fools.suckers In alt.fan.blair-witch, Chris Ronan (chrisronan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Reality is no longer objective, nor is it subjective. Reality is digital. > Jean Baudrillard, postmodern philosopher, proclaimed the Death of the Real > in the Orders of Simulacra. By this he meant our simulations--the products > of digital mass media--are more real than their prototypes. Think about it. > When we think of the Persian Gulf War, we think of CNN, Apparently WE have cable. > the images fed to us via live video--unless of course you were there, > but this only puts you in a minority whose perception of this reality > is marginal. Or unless you've ever read a newspaper, or don't have cable, or both. > The Blair Witch Project is a brilliant artifact of postmodern culture. The > myth of the Blair Witch is real. The story of the three college students > lost in the woods is real. The movie has made it so. So is "Star Trek: The Next Generation" a hundred times as real, because Picard yelled "MAKE IT SO!" a hundred times? MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT? Ha! I just said "MAKES YOU THINK", therefore it made you think! Now MAKE ME A SANDWICH!!! > Our culture has embraced this simulation and has thus fleshed out its > reality. The movie blurs the lines between the real and the artificial > to an extent never seen in film before. Oh, come on. It's just an ordinary snuff film like all those ones you can buy in New York City. > The more you deny the authenticity of the Blair Witch myth, the more you add > to the discourse that makes it real. We create maps of reality and then > mistake the map itself for the real. This is a cultural reality. We will > never forget the Blair Wich, Heather, Josh, and Mike. We will continue to > talk about them until the day we die. Must we? I've got other things I want to do in the meantime. You can do my part of the talkin' for me. > They are real. God Bless them and may they rest in peace. ALSO GOD BLESS BATMAN AND DR. STRANGELOVE AND POTSIE AND POPEYE AND FLASH GORDON AND TONY THE TIGER AND JERRY SEINFELD AND ALL THE OTHER FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! > Euclid10@hotmail.com Having a different return address at each end of a rant is a very postmodern thing to do these days. -- K. ALSO I FORGOT TO GOD BLESS PAC-MAN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.blair-witch,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Witch Is Real Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 04:19:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fan.blair-witch, "Penny Dreadful" (penny@dreadful.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ALSO GOD BLESS BATMAN AND DR. STRANGELOVE > > A lovely couple. The first time I read that, my brain saw "A lonely couple," and now I'm left wondering what sort of sitcom it would be if Adam West moved in with Dr. Edward Teller. DR. STRANGELOVE Batman, tonight I made your favorite, crepes suzette, in my new atomic-blast-powered oven. BATMAN Yes, Dr. Strangelove, the hydrogen bomb can be a powerful tool for peace, but we must remember to never use it indiscriminately. (THE DOORBELL RINGS. ROBIN BOUNDS ACROSS THE ROOM AND OPENS THE DOOR.) ROBIN Holy ex-husbands, it's Robert Oppenheimer! ROBERT OPPENHEIMER And look, I brought a chimp! (SCRATCHY STOCK FOOTAGE OF A CHIMP PUSHING BUTTONS.) DR. STRANGELOVE No! Chimp, stop pushing my buttons! You could destroy the world! BATMAN You should have thought of that before you installed the buttons without a chimp-safety-proofing lock. (THE WORLD EXPLODES, AS USUAL.) ROBIN Holy nuclear winter! BATMAN Quick, Robin, put on a scarf. DR. STRANGELOVE (with soot smeared on his face, except around the eyes) Well, it looks like it's back to the drawing board for me! (HE CROSSES TO A SMOLDERING BLACKBOARD AND CROSSES THE WORD "CHIMP" OUT OF AN EQUATION. EVERYONE LAUGHS. FREEZE-FRAME.) -- K. P.S. This was a documentary. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: ARKPLE 9/12/99 pre-announcement -- important semi-information! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 04:18:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > OK then. I want to go to Boston for the ARKPLE in September. > > I'm not Bill Gates, so I need to know when to be in Boston well > in advance, so I can purchase an advance ticket and save.money.fast. > > Think we could get some details on this soon, or am I going to have > to hold my own pretend ARKPLE and NOT INVITE ANY OF YOU? And it'll > be better than your ARKPLE because there will be Atari there, and > none of you get to play it. I'll go out on a limb and pick a date now: The evening of Saptember 12 (Saturday). For those of us who have the whole weekend to kill, we can do some stuff on Friday night, Saturday afternoon, and/or Sunday (like a trip to laugh at the Museum of Science's broken exhibits, or a trip to Toys R Us to break all the Star Wars toys, or a visit to the Prudential Star Market to look for insane people other than us) depending on how many people are available when. For now, let's say the party-like event starts around dinnertime on Saturday the 12th (under the assumption that the Moon might blow up at 12:01am, we don't want to wait until the 13th.) So festivities would probably start sometime around 5 or 6 or 7 PM, drift in whenever. It'll be in Brookline (the west end of the Boston subway-reachable area) as usual. Very specific directions will be posted. All are welcome. Except for Bob Hope. If they bring presents. Which aren't Bob Hope. (Along the lines of last year, small stupid gifts for Kibo are encouraged, and Kibo will throw smaller stupider gifts at you in return. I'm bribing you people to pretend you're my friends. Etienne doesn't have to bring a gift because I forgot to unwrap the one he gave me last year.) I'll post further details soon. Also, there's a new, different contest everyone can enter this year. I'll post the rules in a day or two so that you people know what to do or not do. (It might be one of those "not do" contests! Oh, the anticipation!) -- K. I thunk the new contest up while in Salem shooting videos of the Orange Hat Witch. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ARKPLE 9/11/99 pre-announcement -- slightly less incorrect Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 05:21:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'll go out on a limb and pick a date now: > > The evening of Saptember 12 (Saturday). Let's say September 11 (Saturday) because September 12 isn't really a Saturday after all. IT'S MY COMPUTER'S FAULT FOR THINKING IT'S 1956 BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN DEAD LITHIUM CLOCK BATTERIES WERE INVENTED!!! Other stuff can still take place on Friday and Sunday for those of you who are hanging around Boston. Details to follow. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Travel Plans Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 04:24:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > Okay, I've bitten the bullet... > > I shall arrive in Boston on Tuesday 7th September > (it says here) and Depart Wednesday 16th September, > mainly since thats what the airlines make me do > if I want to stay long enough to recover from my > turning into a shuffling zombie due to about fourteen > hours worth of travelling from Edinburgh into the > wrong timezone, but don't want to pay twelve billion > dollars for executive megabozo class travel. Holy sil, that's a long time to stay in Boston. That's long enough to see ALMOST ALL the stupid things tourists are supposed to see! That's long enough to see Boston's Children's Museum 25 times, or Providence's Children's Museum 500 times. (I need to see Troy NY's Junior Museum -- which is apprently now in The Winslow Building, if you can call that a building, on the RPI campus. Just because I am expecting it to be the one children's museum less exciting than Providence's.) > I have hotel accomodation. Which hotel? Be sure to avoid the North End. You'd feel like you wasted your trip if you were surrounded by ordinary Irish people. Well, okay, there are a few Italian-American folks there these days, but I think even they have picked up the Irish accent. > So, this is the cue for all you currently in the Boston > area to make sure you stay well clear of the State of > Massachusetts during the above time period in order > to stoke my paranoia. You know, I was thinking about spending two weeks in Edinburgh... -- K. The only problem is every time I try to buy a ticket they laugh at how I don't say "edin - boro". And what's with the word "Glaswegian"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: my yearly typography rant (was: Re: Streaming Video and iBook Review) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 04:46:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [re desktop user-interface re-colorization, etc.] > > There's something about this degree of customizability that drives people > to do bizarre, marginally usable one-joke things with it. I guess it's a > lot like font design; designing a good text font is extremely hard, but > designing an outrageous gross-looking display font is relatively easy, so > guess which kind you get in cheap font CDs. I think it's also due to the fact that almost anyone can tell the difference between Braggadocio and Biffo Script, but there are few people who can tell the difference between good fonts. One thing you notice is that people don't use fonts that are vaguely similar to the fonts they get for free with their computer, so all amateur typography these days is in either the "standard" fonts (Helvetica, Arial, Times, Palatino, etc.) or ones that look completely different (the weird icky things) and you don't catch many people using, say, Caslons or Baskervilles or Univers or Akzidenz, because all transitional romans look alike to them (i.e. they have Times, so they don't buy Caslon or Baskerville; they have Arial or Helvetica, so they don't go get Univers or Akzidenz.) You can see a very abrupt change in typographic tastes with the indroduction of laser printers and PostScript (Apple Laserwriter: 1985.) Helvetica and Times were popular before then, but you saw a ton of the traditional text fonts such as Caslon and Baskerville, which have effectively been driven out of style by the fact that Times looks vaguely similar, even if it's not as good as design as most Caslons or Baskervilles. Every once in a while a new design will pop up which is wildly popular because it looks different from everything else while still being useful, versatile, and at least competently designed. (Lithos and Tekton were Adobe's two monster hits in the late 80's to early 90's.) The one new traditionally-styled text face that seems to have become very popular in the post-Laserwriter era is Adobe Garamond, which is a pretty nice- looking design (although derivative of fonts by people other than Garamond, for instance, the digits were cribbed from the digits Morris Benton invented for ATF Garamond, and the italic is a Granjon face, 'cause Claude Garamond never drew an italic that people liked.) Other than Lithos and Tekton and Adobe Garamond, all the other most-commonly-seen types these days are from the pre-desktop era, or are allegedly trendy weird-looking things that get used heavily for a year or two and then disappear forever (display typefaces have always been ephemeral.) Anyway, Matt, the typefounders realized around the late 1800s that display typefaces were the things to sell, and if you look at the 1850 to 1900 era, you'll see that the type catalogs of the day were bloated with every scribbly little abomination they could cook up, while text typefaces were neglected and became increasingly poorly- designed. It was around 1920 to 1940 that companies like ATF and Monotype started rediscovering centuries-old designs (the Baskervilles and Garamonds and Jensons and so on) and reissuing them. And then in 1985, desktop publishing came along and warped the typographical family tree (and killed certain subtleties outright -- for years nobody had small capitals or oldstyle digits, and the computer programs still can't set the typefaces with spacing as good as a typographer working with hand-set type did.) Even now, there are still people printing things in the Chicago font. AUGH!!! In "bold italic underline outline shadow" style. AUGH!!!! With only the 12pt bitmap installed. AUGH!!!!!!!! -- K. Someone should make a portable typewriter that prints in Chicago for those people who want to pretend they have a computer. You know, the WebTV owners. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Smelly flowers and vines that grow into your laser printer. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 05:00:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Next spring, will someone please remind me not to plant any seeds for _vine_ plants indoors? And if I do, to purchase some sort of really huge trellis for them to climb on, and to move everything else at least fifty feet away from them? I can't move my plants -- any of them -- because the stinky gourd vines have grabbed all of 'em. I can't move my computer stuff, either. The only solution would be to clip all the tendrils, and then I'd have a lot of vines on the floor. (The printer's data cable is their primary means of support -- the wooden stakes that originally held up the gourd vines are now bent almost horizontally from the weight of these vines.) I don't understand how something growing in such a small amount of dirt can make so much foliage. I mean, these plants are growing in the bottom halves of plastic gallon bottles, with about two quarts of dirt. At the moment, the stinky bitter gourd vines (two of them) have a total of about ten little yellow flowers that smell bad. I'm not sure what the total length of the vines would be, uncurled, as there's just this big tangle of green, with dozens of tendrils and branches. This stuff is growing far better than anything else I've ever tried to grow, even though it's indoors. In Boston. From potentially antique Taiwanese seeds, where only two of the 12 germinated, one a month late, the other two months late. The zucchini is dying. I had to overwater it because if I didn't soak it every 12 hours, it shrivelled up and dried out in this heat. So basically I had a choice between killing it slow or fast. Oh, to keep it from tipping over in the wind, at the bottom of the pot there's a can of roasted eggplant for ballast. (It's from Trader Joe's. Purchased in a moment of weakness.) The baby cacti are still growing, but still really tiny. One of them has cute little spikes on top of it. And not much else. v \X/ (_) <-- imagine this shrunk to 1/3 size Mystery Plant #1 is about four and a half feet tall now, but it doesn't branch, and all the leaves below the top foot have fallen off, so it looks like this: /---+ / +---\ | \ /----+ / +----\ <-- these are the leaves that flatten out in | \ the morning and hang down in the evening. | | | | | | | | | | | | | +-------+ | | <-- dirt purchased at the supermarket \_______/ The bleeding heart still hasn't bloomed. I think I need to put it in the freezer for a few weeks to make it think it's spring. The eggplant leaves are about the size of saucers, and the okra leaves are continuing to shrink. -- K. Thus endeth the weekly plant report. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Short shameful confession. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 07:38:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Short shameful confession: My laptop computer's screen is larger than my desktop computer's. -- K. Why have the people who make carrying cases not noticed that portable computers are now bigger than they used to be? I mean, it's not like it's hard to figure out, "HEY! THIS WON'T FIT INTO THIS!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WHAT'S THE SIGNIFICANCE? I... DON'T... KNOW!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 04:32:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor My brainy computer is still insisting that every day is August 27, 1956. Okay, fess up. What's the significance of that date, and which of you folks snuck into my house and rigged my computer to convince me that I Like Ike? Oh, wait, this help file says that that's the date that the clock resets to when the lithium battery dies. (It's the birthdate of the designer of the clock controller chip.) But that's not supposed to happen yet because the batteries last for five years and I've only had this computer for three. UNLESS I REALLY BOUGHT IT IN 1956! MY BRAIN HURTS! -- K. I wish MY brain had a lithium battery. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 03:49:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd like to declare that a new gallery on my Web site is open, and that it's the basis for a contest which will last from now until the September 11th Party-Like Event. Here's the info -- an introductory rant followed by the contest rules: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// (please see the Web version of this at http://www.kibo.com/photos/cones because it has dozens of pictures and links and stuff. This is just the text extracted from the Web site. Go to the Web site now to see the pictures, and after the pictures, you'll see the contest announcement. If you keep reading you will have to go to the Web version and read it all again to see the pictures.) Kibo's Virtual Reality Tour Orange Cones: Introductory Rant It all began innocently enough. I bought a digital camera in order to populate my Web site with silly pictures of local stuff, and allegedly entertaining captions. ("Hey, look at this stupid thing. Ain't it stupid?") Because digital cameras don't consume any expensive supplies - no film, no developing, no processing, no expensive "pay Ritz Camera to have the lab lose the PhotoCD I've been appending to for months" fees, just the minor cost of recharging batteries once in a while - I have not been hesitant to snap photos of anything even vaguely semi-interesting. While I was investigating a local Chinese supermarket, I was looking at the hundred-pound drums of MSG, and the ten-gallon buckets of soy sauce ("Hey, do you think it's high-quality?") when I noticed an interesting "ped in danger" icon on the soy sauce buckets: [pic] Caution: Do not allow kids to drink soy sauce directly from the bucket! Now, I love peds, and I know you do too. You've seen 'em everywhere. And once you start looking for funny ped signs to photograph, you spot even more of 'em. When peds first flooded the world about twenty years ago they were typically seen walking around, sitting down, etc. These days, they've been showing up in situations of dire peril: a ped is the modern way of indicating "Warning! You could be crushed -- JUST LIKE THIS!" So, I've been shooting pictures of warning icons showing unusual peds. [pic] [pic] [pic] Danger: Stabbers! ~ Danger: Head basher! ~ Danger: Crotch electrocution! Now, one of the most frequently-seen versions of the ped-in-danger shows up on those little yellow plastic tents they put in the middle of perfectly dry floors to indicate they were once wet: [pic] "Produce Wet Floor"? Hmm, I better start thinking about Niagara Falls... I started trying to collect a complete set of them. Here are a few from my archives: [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] You don't know just how common these are. Apparently every public space washes its floor every night, and they have to put one of these up for 24 hours after the floor's been wet, so at your local shopping mall or supermarket there's guaranteed to be at least one of these things sitting there making you walk around it. 75% of them are the Rubbermaid variety, or a generic clone thereof: [pic] ...but even the ones where someone else drew a different ped convey the same meaning: "Warning: You might fall on your butt to the left!" Some days you just can't pee without hitting one: [pic] How surprising - a wet floor in a restroom! While I was collecting these, for the first week or two I grew cognizant of their ubiquity. (Yay! Two SAT words in one sentence!) But that was about all I could do with 'em -- I had snapped photos of the local varieties, and they didn't move around much from day to day or appear in compromising positions. Fortunately, my interest in the subject was saved when I noticed the yellow tent things were frequently accompanied by another insidious invader of our public spaces: [pic] ...the seemingly-harmless orange "traffic cone". Also sometimes called a "witch's hat". Usually they're fluorescent orange, although they also come in red, pink, yellow, and white. These have been around for a few decades, are cheap to make, and most importantly, in recent days they have been proliferating like bacteria in a McDonalds restroom. Orange cones are the typographical dingbat of public spaces. Every public space has at least one (usually at least four) of them strewn around at random. I think the intent of the things was originally for highway construction crews to say "Hey! Don't go past here! And if you happen to run over this orange thing, it'll be cheap to replace!" Of course, people had lots of fun running over the flimsy soft plastic cheap cone things. So construction crews would put up real barricades. And then put the wimpy little orange cones in front of the real barricades. In highway construction contexts, orange cones have largely been replaced by orange barrels, which are bigger and presumably more intimidating to cars. (Also they usually have flashing lights clipped to them, and sometimes barricade tape strung between them.) The barrels aren't seen outside road work -- but for some reason the orange cones have become a consumer item. I mean, there's not a strip mall parking lot that doesn't have cones. (Where do they get the orange cones and yellow "wet floor" tents? Beats me. There must be some sort of industrial-janitorial catalog which sells them.) From the construction sites, orange cones spread to parking lots. To the corridors of the mall. To the men's restroom at the mall. Orange cones are cheap, and serve no particular purpose, so they're suitable for deployment everywhere. Private citizens have been putting them up in front of their suburban homes in feeble attempts to keep other people from parking. (I think people have been swiping them from the supermarket parking lot, like milk crates.) You can't walk down a city street without seeing a cone or two. Soon they'll be in your home. Orange cones don't denote anything in particular in and of themselves, and they're usually not deployed in ways that give you much of a hint why they're there -- usually they're just sitting in corners in small groups. (Often the closest I can come to figuring out their intent is "Hey! There's an orange cone on this traffic island!") Orange cones are like the paprika on food-service mashed potatoes: You get tasteless potatoes with orange dots. These "safety" cones are designed to be highly visible, but because of their ubiquity and meaninglessness, we've been ignoring them. And while we've been ignoring them they've been taking over the world. I don't know the "cone density" of rural area, or countries outside North America, but there are certainly enough of 'em in urban and suburban areas here to give me a few new photographs every time I go out hunting for Things To Shoot. (I had originally started by photographing signs with bad typography, and now I'm doing orange cones. Such is their insidious power that they're taking over my camera.) On the next few pages, you'll see my collection of yellow tents and orange cones. And I think you'll be amazed. Or bored. Or both. Then, go out and look for cones. [...] Conetest! Shoot an orange cone and win! THE AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1999 ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY ORANGE CONE PHOTO CONTEST Whoever sends in the most interesting photo of one or more orange cones or similar items (in a "found" scene, not a posed scene) wins! I chose this contest because I figure everyone has access to a camera of some sort and certainly everyone has access to orange cones. Basically, carry around your cheap little camera, snap a photo of an orange thing just sitting there, and send it to Kibo, for the amusement of all. It doesn't have to be a photo of an orange cone, or group of orange cones -- their close relatives are just as good. These include the yellow "caution: wet floor" tentlets, orange barrels, construction barricades, etc. (But it should be known that orange cones tend to be the ones that appear in the strangest places.) Rule #1 of 1: No tampering! The photo must show the orange cones (or whatever) "in situ" -- that is, as you found them. You can't rearrange them. Trust me, this is what makes the hunt for photos worthwhile. (Hey, if I liked posed photos, I could just stay home and use Photoshop to paste orange cones into a picture of Neil Armstrong stepping onto the Moon...) Submissions: You can bring (printed) photos to the alt.religion.kibology Party-Like Event on September 11, 1999 in Boston, or you E-mail them to orangecones@kibo.com (any reasonable size/format is okay, the bigger the better), or if all else fails you can even mail 'em to Kibo's work address: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon Street Brookline, MA 02446 Judging: By Kibo. The photo he enjoys the most wins. Judging will be at the alt.religion.kibology Party-Like Event on September 11, 1999 (Boston). Prize: Some non-worthwhile stuff, like some candy and a few minutes of minor fame on the Internet. There will be at least one prize. There may even be runners-up or a booby prize if the situation merits it. Deadline: Whenever Kibo declares the winner sometime during the evening of the 11th. Legal annoyance: Kibo might make a Web gallery out of photos people send in. Indicate how you want to be credited, or if you don't want your photo shown to anyone, ever. Don't send in any photos you're not the copyright-owner of (i.e. don't send any torn out of "Newsweek", 'cause they're litigious. Plus it would be more fun for you to get off your butt, go around the block, and find a cone.) ...once again, the E-mail address for submitting your entries is orangecones@kibo.com by September 11. (Results will be posted on www.kibo.com.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Bladerunner'. What is going on? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 04:54:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > You guys really need to read the short story "The Machine Stops". Ah, by E. M. Forrester, the guy who had the red hair with the gray stripe down one side of the mustache. > Now, that one really *was* kind of prescient, and most of a century ahead > of its time. Also, today, people keep writing it over and over. As Jay > O'Connell taught Kibo and me, a science fiction magazine's "slushpile" of > unsolicited manuscripts is about 30% "The Most Dangerous Game," RELEASE THE A-3 DEER! > about 20% "The Machine Stops," and about 10% what Jay calls "The Lobster > Story," in which the vaguely described protagonists turn out to be > LOBSTERS!!! (or ALIENS!!! or something). THE LOBSTER STORY BY PIERRE BOO-LAY I watched my son the astronaut wake up, then I watched him eat breakfast, and then I watched him eat dinner, then I watched him go to bed, and by the way... HE IS A LOBSTER JUST LIKE ME!!!! It should be noted that The Lobster Story is closely related to The Tomato Surprise, which involves a twist ending that happens for no reason. But The Tomato Surprise can involve more kinds of twists than The Lobster Story, which always has the same plot twist. > The remaining 40% is Star Trek and X-Files fanfic, whether the authors > know it or not. So how would you classify that one about the narrator clutching the brass railing for 40 pages? If you think that's bad, Matt, you haven't read the slush piles for high-falutin' literary magazines. (You get sick of stories about women raping mentally retarded men and/or white eggplants after a while.) -- K. RELEASE THE A-3 DEER! SHRED THE A-4 PAPER!