Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Short shameful confession. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1999 07:38:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Short shameful confession: My laptop computer's screen is larger than my desktop computer's. -- K. Why have the people who make carrying cases not noticed that portable computers are now bigger than they used to be? I mean, it's not like it's hard to figure out, "HEY! THIS WON'T FIT INTO THIS!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WHAT'S THE SIGNIFICANCE? I... DON'T... KNOW!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 04:32:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor My brainy computer is still insisting that every day is August 27, 1956. Okay, fess up. What's the significance of that date, and which of you folks snuck into my house and rigged my computer to convince me that I Like Ike? Oh, wait, this help file says that that's the date that the clock resets to when the lithium battery dies. (It's the birthdate of the designer of the clock controller chip.) But that's not supposed to happen yet because the batteries last for five years and I've only had this computer for three. UNLESS I REALLY BOUGHT IT IN 1956! MY BRAIN HURTS! -- K. I wish MY brain had a lithium battery. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ARKPLE 9/11/99 pre-announcement -- slightly less incorrect Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 10 Aug 1999 05:21:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'll go out on a limb and pick a date now: > > The evening of Saptember 12 (Saturday). Let's say September 11 (Saturday) because September 12 isn't really a Saturday after all. IT'S MY COMPUTER'S FAULT FOR THINKING IT'S 1956 BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN DEAD LITHIUM CLOCK BATTERIES WERE INVENTED!!! Other stuff can still take place on Friday and Sunday for those of you who are hanging around Boston. Details to follow. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 03:49:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd like to declare that a new gallery on my Web site is open, and that it's the basis for a contest which will last from now until the September 11th Party-Like Event. Here's the info -- an introductory rant followed by the contest rules: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// (please see the Web version of this at http://www.kibo.com/photos/cones because it has dozens of pictures and links and stuff. This is just the text extracted from the Web site. Go to the Web site now to see the pictures, and after the pictures, you'll see the contest announcement. If you keep reading you will have to go to the Web version and read it all again to see the pictures.) Kibo's Virtual Reality Tour Orange Cones: Introductory Rant It all began innocently enough. I bought a digital camera in order to populate my Web site with silly pictures of local stuff, and allegedly entertaining captions. ("Hey, look at this stupid thing. Ain't it stupid?") Because digital cameras don't consume any expensive supplies - no film, no developing, no processing, no expensive "pay Ritz Camera to have the lab lose the PhotoCD I've been appending to for months" fees, just the minor cost of recharging batteries once in a while - I have not been hesitant to snap photos of anything even vaguely semi-interesting. While I was investigating a local Chinese supermarket, I was looking at the hundred-pound drums of MSG, and the ten-gallon buckets of soy sauce ("Hey, do you think it's high-quality?") when I noticed an interesting "ped in danger" icon on the soy sauce buckets: [pic] Caution: Do not allow kids to drink soy sauce directly from the bucket! Now, I love peds, and I know you do too. You've seen 'em everywhere. And once you start looking for funny ped signs to photograph, you spot even more of 'em. When peds first flooded the world about twenty years ago they were typically seen walking around, sitting down, etc. These days, they've been showing up in situations of dire peril: a ped is the modern way of indicating "Warning! You could be crushed -- JUST LIKE THIS!" So, I've been shooting pictures of warning icons showing unusual peds. [pic] [pic] [pic] Danger: Stabbers! ~ Danger: Head basher! ~ Danger: Crotch electrocution! Now, one of the most frequently-seen versions of the ped-in-danger shows up on those little yellow plastic tents they put in the middle of perfectly dry floors to indicate they were once wet: [pic] "Produce Wet Floor"? Hmm, I better start thinking about Niagara Falls... I started trying to collect a complete set of them. Here are a few from my archives: [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] [pic] You don't know just how common these are. Apparently every public space washes its floor every night, and they have to put one of these up for 24 hours after the floor's been wet, so at your local shopping mall or supermarket there's guaranteed to be at least one of these things sitting there making you walk around it. 75% of them are the Rubbermaid variety, or a generic clone thereof: [pic] ...but even the ones where someone else drew a different ped convey the same meaning: "Warning: You might fall on your butt to the left!" Some days you just can't pee without hitting one: [pic] How surprising - a wet floor in a restroom! While I was collecting these, for the first week or two I grew cognizant of their ubiquity. (Yay! Two SAT words in one sentence!) But that was about all I could do with 'em -- I had snapped photos of the local varieties, and they didn't move around much from day to day or appear in compromising positions. Fortunately, my interest in the subject was saved when I noticed the yellow tent things were frequently accompanied by another insidious invader of our public spaces: [pic] ...the seemingly-harmless orange "traffic cone". Also sometimes called a "witch's hat". Usually they're fluorescent orange, although they also come in red, pink, yellow, and white. These have been around for a few decades, are cheap to make, and most importantly, in recent days they have been proliferating like bacteria in a McDonalds restroom. Orange cones are the typographical dingbat of public spaces. Every public space has at least one (usually at least four) of them strewn around at random. I think the intent of the things was originally for highway construction crews to say "Hey! Don't go past here! And if you happen to run over this orange thing, it'll be cheap to replace!" Of course, people had lots of fun running over the flimsy soft plastic cheap cone things. So construction crews would put up real barricades. And then put the wimpy little orange cones in front of the real barricades. In highway construction contexts, orange cones have largely been replaced by orange barrels, which are bigger and presumably more intimidating to cars. (Also they usually have flashing lights clipped to them, and sometimes barricade tape strung between them.) The barrels aren't seen outside road work -- but for some reason the orange cones have become a consumer item. I mean, there's not a strip mall parking lot that doesn't have cones. (Where do they get the orange cones and yellow "wet floor" tents? Beats me. There must be some sort of industrial-janitorial catalog which sells them.) From the construction sites, orange cones spread to parking lots. To the corridors of the mall. To the men's restroom at the mall. Orange cones are cheap, and serve no particular purpose, so they're suitable for deployment everywhere. Private citizens have been putting them up in front of their suburban homes in feeble attempts to keep other people from parking. (I think people have been swiping them from the supermarket parking lot, like milk crates.) You can't walk down a city street without seeing a cone or two. Soon they'll be in your home. Orange cones don't denote anything in particular in and of themselves, and they're usually not deployed in ways that give you much of a hint why they're there -- usually they're just sitting in corners in small groups. (Often the closest I can come to figuring out their intent is "Hey! There's an orange cone on this traffic island!") Orange cones are like the paprika on food-service mashed potatoes: You get tasteless potatoes with orange dots. These "safety" cones are designed to be highly visible, but because of their ubiquity and meaninglessness, we've been ignoring them. And while we've been ignoring them they've been taking over the world. I don't know the "cone density" of rural area, or countries outside North America, but there are certainly enough of 'em in urban and suburban areas here to give me a few new photographs every time I go out hunting for Things To Shoot. (I had originally started by photographing signs with bad typography, and now I'm doing orange cones. Such is their insidious power that they're taking over my camera.) On the next few pages, you'll see my collection of yellow tents and orange cones. And I think you'll be amazed. Or bored. Or both. Then, go out and look for cones. [...] Conetest! Shoot an orange cone and win! THE AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 1999 ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY ORANGE CONE PHOTO CONTEST Whoever sends in the most interesting photo of one or more orange cones or similar items (in a "found" scene, not a posed scene) wins! I chose this contest because I figure everyone has access to a camera of some sort and certainly everyone has access to orange cones. Basically, carry around your cheap little camera, snap a photo of an orange thing just sitting there, and send it to Kibo, for the amusement of all. It doesn't have to be a photo of an orange cone, or group of orange cones -- their close relatives are just as good. These include the yellow "caution: wet floor" tentlets, orange barrels, construction barricades, etc. (But it should be known that orange cones tend to be the ones that appear in the strangest places.) Rule #1 of 1: No tampering! The photo must show the orange cones (or whatever) "in situ" -- that is, as you found them. You can't rearrange them. Trust me, this is what makes the hunt for photos worthwhile. (Hey, if I liked posed photos, I could just stay home and use Photoshop to paste orange cones into a picture of Neil Armstrong stepping onto the Moon...) Submissions: You can bring (printed) photos to the alt.religion.kibology Party-Like Event on September 11, 1999 in Boston, or you E-mail them to orangecones@kibo.com (any reasonable size/format is okay, the bigger the better), or if all else fails you can even mail 'em to Kibo's work address: James "Kibo" Parry Software Tool & Die 1330 Beacon Street Brookline, MA 02446 Judging: By Kibo. The photo he enjoys the most wins. Judging will be at the alt.religion.kibology Party-Like Event on September 11, 1999 (Boston). Prize: Some non-worthwhile stuff, like some candy and a few minutes of minor fame on the Internet. There will be at least one prize. There may even be runners-up or a booby prize if the situation merits it. Deadline: Whenever Kibo declares the winner sometime during the evening of the 11th. Legal annoyance: Kibo might make a Web gallery out of photos people send in. Indicate how you want to be credited, or if you don't want your photo shown to anyone, ever. Don't send in any photos you're not the copyright-owner of (i.e. don't send any torn out of "Newsweek", 'cause they're litigious. Plus it would be more fun for you to get off your butt, go around the block, and find a cone.) ...once again, the E-mail address for submitting your entries is orangecones@kibo.com by September 11. (Results will be posted on www.kibo.com.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 00:49:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't know the "cone density" of rural area, or countries outside > > North America, but there are certainly enough of 'em in urban and > > suburban areas here to give me a few new photographs every time I > > go out hunting for Things To Shoot. > > Hmm. Interesting. I think I'll do some research on the cone density > of rural and urban Finland. I'll get back to you. There is an "urban" Finland now? > > It doesn't have to be a photo of an orange cone, or group of orange > > cones -- their close relatives are just as good. > > How about peds? I know quite a few good signs offhand that I could > enter into the competition. Or is that too easy? I like peds. I mean I *really* like peds. Especially Cherry Peds, but you can only get them in Canada and you have to throw away the Asterix Peds dispenser. -- K. Anyway, some Finnish peds would make a nice addition to my ped collection, so of course they're eligible. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 14 Aug 1999 04:17:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There is an "urban" Finland now? > > Well, here's a preliminary report on cones in Finland: > > There aren't any. Not a single one. > > Well, except a couple of those rod-and-base ones. > > What we have instead, is concrete blocks. Painted in red and yellow. > No wimpy cones here - no Finnish driver would pay any attention > whatsoever. Wait... Finland has CARS? > These big blocks of concrete are often used for holding up temporary > and not-so-temporary road signs, but are also used to define parking > spaces and the like. I took a full roll of photos of them tonight, > and I might go get some more. Expect a web page and lots of pictures. So how come Finnish Web pages never have little red and yellow concrete blocks all over them marked "THIS PAGE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION, IT WILL BE UPDATED TOMORROW, JANUARY 1, 1995"? (I'm glad the incidence of "Under Construction" signs on Web pages is dwindling, I think maybe people caught on that they were short for "HEY! I'M NOT GOING TO FINISH MY WEB PAGE!") > I even got in trouble with the police over all this. Well, almost. Cool! Was it the size of your camera? I never got kicked out of stores before I got the big gun. -- K. Or the big camera. "DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE, DOUBLE YOUR GUN!" -- Firesign Theater ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 05:32:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > > > > > What we have instead, is concrete blocks. Painted in red and > > > yellow. No wimpy cones here - no Finnish driver would pay any > > > attention whatsoever. > > > > Wait... Finland has CARS? > > Not really. We have big cardboard boxes. You put them over your head > and run and make engine noises with your mouth. Waah! When I was four, I lived in Finland and didn't realize it! > > > I even got in trouble with the police over all this. Well, > > > almost. > > > > Cool! Was it the size of your camera? I never got kicked out of > > stores before I got the big gun. > > It was more the fact that they didn't like me using my camera from a > moving car, with the flash. > > They told me to only walk around on the sidewalk taking pictures of > women. You big silly, don't use the flash when taking photos of things that are uninteresting enough to normal people that they think you must be evil. It would be fun to do some controlled experiments and find out what model of camera, and what brand of camera, would be most likely to get you kicked out of the average Petco store. Of course, after determining which Petco store is the average one, they'd probably get pretty suspicious after I sent in the first ten people with cameras, so first we'd have to build a hundred identical average Petco stores. Maybe it would be better to do this experiment at a chain where all the stores are already identical, like Pep Boys. Except I don't know if Pep Boys would bother to kick you out for taking photos of wacky spark plugs. Better experiment: Find out how to get kicked out of Pep Boys. "Hey, are those the Ritz Brothers on the sign?" (My technique for moving-car photos: Switch to manual focus and set the focus close to infinity, then lock the shutter speed at something like 1/180 to 1/500 second depending on how sunny it is. Then pray. Do NOT try this with a Kodak DC210's 1/2-second shutter speed.) -- K. (All your photos would come out looking like you leaned out one of the windows of the USS Enterprise as it was going through the wormhole in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", the only "Star Trek" scene to have been used as stock footage on a TV sitcom.*) * The final shot of the episode of "Mork & Mindy", after they accidentally wrote Jonathan Winters out of the story arc. Just out of curiosity, why are wormholes generated by the same technology as Atari Tempest? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 07:19:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > (please see the Web version of this at http://www.kibo.com/photos/cones > > Not unless there is an ascii version of the pictures. THANKS FOR BEING > KIND TO LYNX USERS, KIBO, IF THAT *IS* YOUR REAL NAME! Hey, I put "ALT" text in for all of them. And besides, you can just save 'em to disk and run ascgif on them. After first fixing ascgif so that it's not limited to grayscale GIFs created before 1989. Stacia, have you considered the advantages in upgrading to a WebTV? > > Rule #1 of 1: No tampering! The photo must show the orange > > cones (or whatever) "in situ" -- that is, as you found them. > > So as long as it's Orange Cone Orange [dibs] color, it's a legal entry? It doesn't have to be orange. Or a cone. Because orange cones are not always orange and are not always cones, as you would know if you had bothered to look at my Web site from your local cybercafe. There are no rules on what can be submitted, but if it's definitely nothing even remotely like an orange cone sort of thing I'll just use it to scoop the durian dip at the party. So it's a potential winner as long as it's one of those sorts of things like an orange cone or pink cone or orange barrel or yellow tentlet or green hover-wedgie, but I am predisposed to the classical cones as opposed to those newfangled barrels. And the barrels and tentlets don't seem to lend themselves to interesting situations as much as the cones. The cones, you can just walk around the city and see all sorts of weirdness with them. That's why the "no tampering" rule is in there -- it's so easy to find a slightly amusing group of cones you can slap a wacky caption on. (If we were able to tamper with the natural evolution of the cones, we could just as well make 'em interesting with Photoshop, and that would ruin my galleries forever.) It's also a (somewhat) fun challenge to see if you can get the best picture possible (angle, lighting, framing, etc.) of such a very still life. (I will admit that the photos on my Web site have been cropped and sometimes brightened, but they haven't been retouched as far as zit-removal-type technologies go. Basically, I like "found wackies".) > This makes me wish I had a camera. And a graphical web browser. And a > cone. That reminds me, traffic cones are also called "dunce caps". -- K. Next you'll complain that the camera you don't have doesn't take pictures that look better than us ugly people you're pointing it at. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 07:04:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Rev'd PtR" (peter_willard@hotmail.com) wrote: > > ARRGGHH!!! Now I HAVE to get a digital camera!!!1111 I wasn't > going to until I SAVED enough but NOW Mastercard! Now! > > Heh, are those $100 Agfa cameras any good? Where "good" is > defined by "as good as a *disposable* 35mm" from the drugstore. > With a name like "Agfa" it's got to be good! None of the digitals under $1000 have the resolution of 35mm. However, the colors are often brighter, and unless you're going to blow up things to make prints or posters or something, you can get a nice 1024x768 camera for about $400 these days. Avoid the very cheapest ones (like the $99 Barbie camera) but all the $300-$400-$500-$600 cameras can take nice screen-resolution pictures. They all have pretty good image quality, but some are better than others (especially in terms of how heavily they mash up the JPEGs. For instance, my Kodak hardly artifacted them at all, but my Sony oversharpens and overcompresses everything.) If you want one that truly competes with 35mm, then you're looking at a $3000+ camera. (There's a nice $25000 digital studio camera designed to compete with large-format cameras...) -- K. I decided to post this rather than privately mailing it, so that it will go into the archives, and then ten years from now people will read about how we used to pay OVER TEN DOLLARS for a camera with LESS THAN A BILLION 2-D PIXELS and laugh, and I didn't even mention how our primitive cameras can't see read other people's minds. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 08:39:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Rev'd PtR" (peter_willard@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Avoid the very cheapest [digital cameras] (like the $99 Barbie camera) > > Immediately after reading this, the call is made: > "HELLO, COMPU-MEGA-BARN??? 'AVE YEE THE 99$U.S. BARBIE CAMERA??? > In pink? Could you set aside two? One for my daughter...(audible > gulp)...and one for---FOR MEEEEEEEE." They only come in pink. They can buffer a total of six pictures, and there's no removable storage, so once you've taken six photos you've gotta dock it with your computer. Also, I think the resolution is something like 320x240. But remember, you get one for free when you buy that Barbie personal computer. Or was it vice versa? -- K. You could always paint it black and claim it's a Darth Vader camera. And the flower-shaped lens could be his new five-winged Imperial TIE Fighter. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Bladerunner'. What is going on? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 04:54:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > You guys really need to read the short story "The Machine Stops". Ah, by E. M. Forrester, the guy who had the red hair with the gray stripe down one side of the mustache. > Now, that one really *was* kind of prescient, and most of a century ahead > of its time. Also, today, people keep writing it over and over. As Jay > O'Connell taught Kibo and me, a science fiction magazine's "slushpile" of > unsolicited manuscripts is about 30% "The Most Dangerous Game," RELEASE THE A-3 DEER! > about 20% "The Machine Stops," and about 10% what Jay calls "The Lobster > Story," in which the vaguely described protagonists turn out to be > LOBSTERS!!! (or ALIENS!!! or something). THE LOBSTER STORY BY PIERRE BOO-LAY I watched my son the astronaut wake up, then I watched him eat breakfast, and then I watched him eat dinner, then I watched him go to bed, and by the way... HE IS A LOBSTER JUST LIKE ME!!!! It should be noted that The Lobster Story is closely related to The Tomato Surprise, which involves a twist ending that happens for no reason. But The Tomato Surprise can involve more kinds of twists than The Lobster Story, which always has the same plot twist. > The remaining 40% is Star Trek and X-Files fanfic, whether the authors > know it or not. So how would you classify that one about the narrator clutching the brass railing for 40 pages? If you think that's bad, Matt, you haven't read the slush piles for high-falutin' literary magazines. (You get sick of stories about women raping mentally retarded men and/or white eggplants after a while.) -- K. RELEASE THE A-3 DEER! SHRED THE A-4 PAPER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Just how dumb are people? (REPOST) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 06:18:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [I posted this on August 6, but it appears to not have propagated.] As is frequently the case, today I noticed a consumer product which said "DO NOT TAKE INTERNALLY" on the label. What was it, you ask? Wart remover? Cologne? Zit cream? Nair? Nope. Carpenter's wood glue. I would like to know if there are any people in the world who think that when they get sick, they need to drink wood glue because their stomach isn't properly nailed to its support truss. -- K. NOTE THAT IT WAS CARPENTER'S WOOD GLUE, NOT DOCTOR'S WOOD GLUE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Just how dumb are people? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 06:28:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [I have stuff I want to add to what I said last week, which is what made me discover that the article I had posted never got out. So now I'm following up to my repost of my own article. Yay!] James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > As is frequently the case, today I noticed a consumer product which said > "DO NOT TAKE INTERNALLY" on the label. > > Carpenter's wood glue. Since then I've also seen: "Do not ingest." on a carton of paintballs. "YAY! IT'S AMMUNITION WITH PERMANENT DYE IN IT THAT REQUIRES TURPENTINE TO REMOVE FROM SKIN! I THINK I'LL EAT SOME!" My guess is that there's some lawyer going around suing every product labelled "Non-toxic" unless it says "This floor wax is non-toxic, but if you eat it, you DESERVE to die!" And my favorite: My toothpaste says to call the Poison Control Center "if you accidentally swallow more than is used for brushing." I... see. So if you eat the whole tube of toothpaste on purpose, it's okay, but it's life-threating if you ACCIDENTALLY get the whole tube out through that little nozzle, into your mouth, and down your throat. I think that when you call the Poison Control Center, you should not just be told that you're a nitwit, you should be required to put all the toothpaste back into the tube before they help you. -- K. My current favorite sign of America's slide into consumertastic stupidity: The commercial where the football fans don't realize they're eating vegetarian artificial Buffalo wings. Uh, guys? CHICKEN WINGS NORMALLY HAVE BONES!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Where have you gone, David Hasselhoff? (REPOST) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 06:19:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [I posted this August 6, but it appears not to have propagated, so here it is again, with a typo fixed] Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Then he realized that his fly was down. > > > > And so was everyone else's!!! > > It was that sudden sound of three billion gentlemen > simultaneously adjusting their dress that brought > about the end of the world. AND HOW THREE BILLION PEOPLE GOT INTO JACK BENNY'S DRESS, I'LL NEVER KNOW! SAY THE SECRET WOID AND HEAR ME TELL THE ONE ABOUT THE CIGAR ON TV, BECAUSE OUTSIDE OF TV, IT'S TOO DARK TO READ! WHY A DUCK? BECAUSE THE WHEELS FELL OFF! GOOD NIGHT, LADIES AND GERMS -- *BANG* (The last sound you heard was someone putting Alan Alda out of our misery, ending the long national nightmare we called The Korean War With A Laugh Track.) > Every living creature heard that awful noise and > unable to stand its hideous implications turned > upon each other filled with hunger for the > slaughter. > > Today only we, the female undead, remain upon this > dark and blasted earth. And then everyone in China jumped up and down at the same time causing THE EARTH TO FALL OFF ITS AXIS INTO THE SUN!!! Don't worry, Stefan. That bullet will never reach Alan Alda. The Communists aren't about to drestory the world. If we act now. WE MUST STAPLE THE EARTH TO ITS AXIS AND WRAP DUCT TAPE AROUND IT! -- K. I almost threw in a Mr. Spock reference, but the proximity to the Jack Webb reference and the Alan Alda reference and the Grouncho Marx reference might mutate it into the ultimate overly-obvious pop-culture reference... ...AND HIS NAME IS BOB HOPE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Where have you gone, David Hasselhoff? (REPOST) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 03:40:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (The last sound you heard was someone putting Alan Alda out of our > > misery, ending the long national nightmare we called The Korean War > > With A Laugh Track.) > > I heartily endorse this service and/or product. I would still like to know what the writers of "The Simpsons" were inspired by when they wrote that line. My guess has always been that they were thinking of television's beloved Art Linkletter, 'cause when I was a kid I had this old edition of "The Game Of Life" from the mid-sixties, which had his mug shot on the box captioned "I HEARTILY ENDORSE THIS GAME." The only more half-hearted endorsement photo I've ever seen was an ad for the Radio Shack Color Computer showing Isaac Asimov smiling while a joystick was sitting on top of his hand. The screen showed a phony "Asteroids" game. Dr. Asimov looked rigidly jovial and clearly did not want to be in actualy physical contact with the joystick. ISAAC ASIMOV, THE VANNA WHITE OF RADIO SHACK! Of course, now that he's passed on, they have James "Scotty" Doohan rigidly posing for endorsement photos. Your local Radio Shack now has a poster showing Napoleon, Scotty, and Genghis Khan using their fine products. Scotty is grinning wickedly and saying, "Now THAT'S what I call POWER!" as he prepared to crush the world under his jackboots. I wish I could do that. I've got all these jackboots and no worlds to crush. > > And then everyone in China jumped up and down at the same time causing > > THE EARTH TO FALL OFF ITS AXIS INTO THE SUN!!! > > I heartily endorse this service and/or product. I just want to know how the North Pole's axi is connected to the South Pole's axi. Are the axis connected by a Universal Joint, or just a Planetary Joint? > > ...AND HIS NAME IS BOB HOPE! > > I ... no, no, I can't _do_ it! YOU CAN"T MAKE MEEEEE!!! > > Dave "payola only goes so far" DeLaney Didja see "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central today? They interviewed a wacko whose theory was that Bob Hope was a nine-foot-tall alien invader because he had a pointy nose and pointy ears and he was British and the Brits were still mad at Americans over the Boston Tea Party. (Yes, Bob Hope was born in England, and came to the United States as a toddler. Of course, we got revenge by having both Pee-wee Herman and Mel Gibson born in Peekskill, New York before we exported the less versatile of the two to a former English colony.) -- K. I think Australia should annex England and turn it into a penal colony. And build a ThunderDome over it. TWO COUNTRIES ENTER! ONE COUNTRY LEAVES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Technical support quote of the day... (REPOST) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 06:20:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [I posted this August 6th, but it apparently didn't escape from here, so I'm posting it again...] From a well-known computer maker's online knowledge base: > In some cases, an unusual odor may be detected when a product has been > turned on and allowed to warm up to operating temperature. Translation: Joe dropped part of his cheese sandwich while the computers were whizzing past on the assembly line. > Typically, the odor is detected when the product is new, Translation: You'd have to be pretty freakin' stupid to only notice it after you've had the smelly computer for six months. > similar to odors generated from new carpeting or a new car. In most cases > the odor will dissipate over a short period of time. Translation: In most, BUT NOT ALL cases, the odor will dissipate over a short period of time. Relative to the age of the universe. > If the odor persists, we recommend that you place the unit in a > well-ventilated room Translation: PUT THE THING SOMEWHERE WHERE YOU WON'T SMELL IT, YOU BOZO! > and allow the unit to operate over an extended period of time (possibly > 24-72 hours) or until the odor dissipates. If the odor persists, contact > your local Service Provider for an evaluation. "Hi, this is tech support, how many I help you?" "My new computer smells like THIS--" (holds computer up to phone) > This article is not tied to any specific product, nor is it in reaction to > any specific issue. Translation: We'd like you to believe we wrote this article by accident and not in response to a complaint that our computers smell like cheese. Also, not many of our computers smell like cheese. > This article is meant only to serve as general information. Translation: The Psychic Friends Network is for entertainment purposes only. $3.99 per minute. Tech support is provided by The Psychic Friends Network. -- K. That's what they get for naming this year's models "Blueberry", "Grape", "Tangerine", and "Rotting Flesh". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: It's 8:53 A.M., August 27, 1956. (REPOST) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 06:22:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [I posted this August 6th, but it didn't get broadcast for some reason, so now I'm posting it again for completeness even though you've already seen a subsequent article on this topic.] So I started up my computer today and it told me, "Your clock is not set to the correct time." Turns out that during the night it had magically changed to 1956. Of course, the computer knew it couldn't possibly be 1956, despite the fact that it obviously was 1956 in the clock's world. And, my new computer arrived today, also with its clock wrong. They had set the date and time correctly at the factory, except they had confused "A.M." and "P.M." So one computer was off by about 43 years, and the other by exactly 12 hours. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? I think we have a chrono-synclastic infundibulum, or possibly a chronovore, on the loose. -- K. Maybe the bright boys who set the clock to "A.M." instead of "P.M." were setting up the computer at exactly midnight. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.computers From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: proof that the text-only era is over, and the html era is here Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 06:59:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor ATTENTION LEE BUMGARNER! USENET TO SHUT DOWN! THE WEB WAS INVENTED IN CLEVELAND! IT MUST BE TRUE, A WEBTV USER THINKS HE READ IT IN A NEWSPAPER! > From: TVFAN@webtv.net > Newsgroups: alt.online-service.webtv > Subject: proof that the text-only era is over, and the html era is here > Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1999 13:05:17 -0400 (EDT) > Organization: WebTV Subscriber > > here is proof that the text-only era is over, and the html-era is here. > > It was in the newspaper here yesterday. The very first website that > created the world wide web [ the Cleveland Freenet ] is going out of > business on October 1, 1999, because of the Y2K bug. The system would > have self-destructed after December 31, since it can't recognize the > year 2000.So the owners decided to get out on October 1'st, 1999 . They > said the way it's programmed, that it's too much trouble to try and > reprogram itor it to continue existing. > > The paper went on to say that they said that although students were > assigned assignments on it, and that it was the first website, that it's > time is passed, because it's a text-only site, and that it can't offer > the flashy graphics and stuff that most modern html-based websites do. > > The Cleveland Freenet which created the World Wide Web and Usenet is > going out of business on October 1'st 1999. They said that it's time is > passed since it's a text-only site and not a html-site like most > websites today. They said that the text-onl era is over, that today is > the html-era. > > That is, the Cleveland Freenet is going out of business. The creators > of Usenet and the World Wide Web admit that the text-only era is over. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A not so Freudian slip? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 07:40:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > So TNT is showing "Pirates of Silicon Valley" right now but the digital > cable little window thingamabob that comes up on the screen lists the > movie title as "D.O.A.". > > Coincidence or EVIL CONSPIRACY?!? > > What are you trying to tell me Ted? Anyone else here (other than Chris Franks) old enough to remember when Nickelodeon showed old G- and PG-rated movies at night? (This would be after they added commercials, but before they went to showing old sitcoms all night.) I recall that the two movies they showed over and over and over and over were "Who Done It?", which was a black-and-white star vehicle for Benny Hill, and the original "D.O.A." (with Edmond O'Brien, I think.) So perhaps Mr. Turner is not trying to declare Bill Gates (sysop of MSNBC) and Steve Jobs (competing with Ted Turner for the Used-To-Be-A-Hippie-But- Now-A-Rich-Bastard award) dead, but he is hinting that TNT and TBS are about to acquire the rights to "D.O.A." and "Who Done It?", which they will put into rotation with the 12 showings of "The Beastmaster" and "Twilight Zone: The Movie" every week. Of course, that means there will be less space on the schedule for "professional" wrestling, so Ted will just have to force Congress to stop limiting the broadcast day to 24 hours. -- K. J. Michael Straczynski needs to start his own channel. The No Pro Wrestlers Or Idiots Named Ted Channel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AARGH! BUMBLEBEE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 07:42:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I wish nobody remembered my almost-bee story (it was a wasp) so I could > retell it. Especially the part where I had to hold a square "Handi Wipe" > to my buttock(s) to keep the swelling down. Yes, you HAD to hold a SQUARE wipe to your butt... Stacia admits she has WEIRD BUTT GEOMETRY!!! From now on, let's all call Stacia "square-butt". -- K. I only buy those butt wipes that are shaped like NORMAL butts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AARGH! BUMBLEBEE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 07:47:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > So I'm at a family reunion a few years ago where I was seeing relatives > that I hadn't seen in a few coons' ages. At one point I was talking with > a cousin, her fiancee, and a couple of other people. The conversation > went something like this: > > Cousin: Are you living up in the Cities now? > > Me: No, I live in Texas. > > Cousin: Oh really? Where do you live in Texas? > > Me: Houston. > > Cousin: So what do you do there? > > Me: I work at NASA. > > Cousin's fiancee: So, are you like a janitor or something? Query-formatted request for additional information: Describe external attributes of your hair's geometry, chromaticity, and/or albedo. In other words, do you have a NASA haircut or a normal person's haircut? There are three kinds of haircuts: * The cool-looking crew cut. All astronauts have them, except for that one who's a woman. * The dorky-looking crew cut. All NASA flight controllers have them, except for Clint Howard, who makes up for it in other ways. * Normal people who don't have crew cuts and are thus limited to less-cool non-NASA jobs such as pornography or underwater demolition. -- K. Actually, they should find a way to combine underwater demolition with space-walking to get the world's coolest job. Dean, can you talk the NASA execs into letting me stick a limpet mine onto Mir? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yeltsin names Poutine as Prime Minister Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 08:11:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor J Costello (costello@user2.teleport.com) wrote: > > I heard on the radio that Yeltsin had named a new Prime Minister named > Poutine. I am so glad that I didn't post my joke about Yeltsin choosing Poutine as his successor last night. Mine was something like "HA HA HE'S NAMED POUTINE! WHAT A DUMB NAME FOR ANYONE TO HAVE, EVEN IN RUSSIA!" > [Scene: Yeltsin's bedroom in the Kremlin. Vodka bottles cover the floor.] > > [SFX: Zombie-like moaning.] > > Yelstin: Wha? Wha? Where am I? > > Aide: The Krelim, Mr. President. > > Yeltsin: I see. Fire my cabinet. > > Aide: All of them? > > Yeltsin: No, just the Prime Minister. > > Aide: Who will be the new Prime Minister? > > Yeltsin: [Holds up a plate of Poutine.] This! And then he replaced the entire army with a million marching Pogos, and replaced vodka with spruce beer, he spilled artificial purple ketchup over all the potato chips, he removed all the flavor from the pies, and he invaded China to force them to make all their egg rolls shaped like pillows and not cylinders. Oh, yeah, and he added McPizza to all the McDonaldses, and decreed, "LET THERE BE CHERRY PEZ!" except you could only get them if you bought an "Asterix The Movie" Pez dispenser with the head of Roberto Benigni. -- K. I say Yeltsin should have appointed Elvis Gratton as his successor. P.S. Also, what's with all those radio shows in England hosted by women dressed as robots? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Signage. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 08:18:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Real Name" (doctoraaron@gci.net) wrote: > > As I entered the men's locker room at my health club yesterday, I saw a > rather intriguing sign. Written on a dry-erase board in blue lettering was > the following: > > ATTENTION > Security will be conducting > an excercise in the men's > locker room today. > 8 August, 1999 Hmm. Today I was at the drug store (I WAS NOT BUYING DRUGS, I JUST WANTED SOME BRIGHT BLUE SODA POP) and I saw this sign: One Hour Is Closed But Over-Night Is Still Open I didn't look at it too hard because it was taped to the front of one of those picture frames that still had the dummy picture of the generic people inside it because they didn't want to damage the dummy picture when they took it out, because they were obviously going to see the thing after One Hour Was Open Or Over-Night Was No Longer Open. > I shall assume that it was one of the security folk who wrote this sign, > because the thought that the health club employees can not properly spell > "exercise" makes me shudder. Worse. They misspelled "exorcism". But anyway, I did a little investigating and > found the following propaganda^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hadvertisement. > > --------8<-----IMPORTANT MEMO!!------8<--------- NEW MEMOS! THE CEREAL MADE FROM MEMES! Truth be told, is there such a thing as an "important memo"? That's like having an unimportant Conelrad alert. > YOUR Anchorage Fitness Club is Y2K-Prepared!! > > Here at the Anchorage Fitness Club, we know how concerned you all are about > the instantaneous decay of civilization that will crush us all when the New > Millenium comes. When the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Day, there > could be nuclear war; there could be anarchy; there could be looting. > > But more frightening that all of those things together is the knowledge that > there is one more terrible yet undeniable fact: there could be panty raids. > > The management of the Anchorage Fitness Club is getting ready for the Y2K > panty-raiders, by assembling a special task force to deal with these > nefarious villains. This task force, to be known as the Primary > Anti-Nabbing Trained Interception and Extermination Squad (PANTIES), have > been undergoing extensive training over the last few months, and will > continue to do so until New Year's Eve, when their critical mission - > defending your lingerie from sticky-fingered fiends - will launch into > action. > > The Anchorage Fitness Club's PANTIES have been given the latest in > cutting-edge technology, to the tune of over four million of _your_ > membership dollars, plus generous donations from local industry leaders, to > ensure that anybody who dares to make a run at your underthings will instead > find himself face to face with our PANTIES. > > So sleep tight, valued client of the Anchorage Fitness Club. You can rest > assured that your posessions are safe for the new Millenium. Our PANTIES > are all that you need to feel safe. > > -------8<-----END IMPORTANT MEMO----8<---------- Why not just stop wearing underwear? Then you'd be safe. And you could get in all the car accidents you wanted without the doctor calling up your mom to tell her you were wearing dirty underwear when you died. -- K. I'm going to put in my will that I must be wearing dirty underwear on the outside in my coffin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PCU angry computer nerds Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 08:26:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "the Lots42 meme" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Well before I knew much about computers, I saw the movie PCU. > It's about a young man who pre-visits a college he wants to go to and then he, > the young man, gets into a lot of trouble. > > In one instance, he stumbles across a wire plugged into the wall. It detaches. > A whole lab of computer people realize the man just destroyed valuable work > they had done. > > Hello? UPS? Backups? (ooh, I know terminology!) > The geeks then literally chased the guy. I can't wait to see all the teen sex comedies about the Y2K thing. "So you see, by activating the neutrinos in the cocaine with this laser..." (POWER FAILURE) "Oh no! Emperor Gregory's stupid calendar just destroyed the cure for cancer! Let's chase him around in fast motion!" > While I was writing this, I flashed on an old episode of 'Growing Pains'. > > The daugher of the house ( a major hottie) got a job working with computers. > Her task? Formatting. She had to take documents other people wrote and make > them line up so they look all neat and keen. Whereas some of us STILL have to do that sort of thing when we post replies to AOL users who have mangled E-mail addresses, MISTER DOT COM DOT COM. > Apparently they didn't have HTML or nuttin' back then, when dinosaurs ruled > the earth. The "TAB" key was still top secret, controlled by Tab Hunter and a cabal of other people who were on "The Flintstones". If, of course, you can call cartoon characters people. Really, Hanna-Barbera reduced people to their most basic chemical constituents: a thick black line that seldom moved, and a sloppy glob of pinkish-gray applied with a trowel. -- K. When I was a kid I always liked when they got into the car because then they started bouncing up and down mechanically and that was more animation than in all the other scenes combined. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SSC #45 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 08:32:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Fortunately I taped it. > > You can't really call it a "snuff" movie though, 'cause he falls out of > frame right before he croaks. Someday I am going to make a nine-hour movie which just consists of a guy shoving sawdust up his nose and release it under the title "Snuff". Oh, yeah, and at one point Andy Warhol and the President would be at a party on the Moon while the Earth blows up in the background. Incidentally, I like how the kids who got killed in "The Blair Witch Project" are doing all the talk shows now to promote this true story where they all died. -- K. DON'T go in the woods! DON'T open the door! DON'T return underwear to the store after you've tried it on! DON'T see the movie! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Calculate Your Life Expectancy! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 11 Aug 1999 08:59:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Michael "Jaffo" Duff (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > http://www.msnbc.com/modules/quizzes/lifex.asp > > Jaffo will live to be 67.65 years old. So I answered all the questions the wrong way, and just changed the age: BOB HOPE'S AGE NOW AGE BOB HOPE WILL DIE AT 20 36.83 30 37.83 40 39.83 50 40.83 60 50.5 70 65.7 80 74.8 90 82.8 100 92.8 110 102.8 120 112.8 130 82.8 140 82.8 The crossover point seems to be at about 39. So I'm hoping he's just about 39 right now. Is Bob Hope 39 yet? Interestingly, if I select "90 and over" and enter a number above 130 when it asks me to be specific, it assumes I mean 90. But if I key in "39" there, it also assumes I mean 90! So we get: 30 37.83 31 82.8 32 82.8 33 82.8 34 82.8 35 82.8 36 82.8 37 82.8 38 82.8 39 82.8 40 39.83 I think someone needs to graph these results so we can find out if connecting the dots makes a kitty or a turtle. -- K. If I answer the questions the right way, it says that a 120-year-old guy will live to be 129.8. EVERYONE LIVES TO BE SOMETHING POINT EIGHT! P.S. If I answer truthfully for me, it says I'm going to live to be 76, but changing from "no fruits or vegetables, ever" to "five fruits or vegetables a day" has a negligible effect, but telling it I eat lots of spaghetti sauce adds over a year to my life. So I think this is bogus because everyone knows that the vegetables should count at least as much as tomato sauce because ketchup IS a vegetable. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Weird sights today. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 05:32:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor On the way to and from the office today, I had these four interesting encounters, two of which were with crazy people, one with a car, and one with some bad cookies: 1. Trader Joe's is now selling "Fortune-Style Cookies" which are poker-chip shaped discs of yellow particle board. They're like fortune cookies only without that annoying fortune part. IF YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF FORTUNE COOKIES BUT DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF FORTUNE COOKIES IN GENERAL, YOU MAY ALREADY BE SHOPPING AT TRADER JOE'S! 2. Parked directly in front of the door to my place of employment was a tiny little car, like a (non-new) VW Beetle only considerably smaller. It turned out to be a "Subaru Deluxe". I would hazard a guess that it was about the size of a Citroen 2CV or slightly larger than a Messerschmidt Tiger. So, what I'd like to do is get a Messerschmidt Tiger, a Subaru Deluxe, and an old Beetle, then cut the Deluxe open and reassemble it with the Tiger inside, then cut the Beetle open and put it on the outside. ...and inside the Tiger would be a tiny version of Mikail Gorbachev! 3. While waiting for the #66 bus (going to work) I encountered a nice old lady who was not actually clinically crazy, just one of those abnormally garrulous oldsters whose entire stream of consciousness is verbalized and directed towards the closest person (if any) at a high volume. Quotable quote: "THERE'S NO RAINBOW! THERE'S NO RAINBOW! IT'S RAINING BUT THERE'S NO RAINBOW!" When we got on the bus, she sat right in front of me, and it was then that I noticed that her blouse was inside out. 4. While waiting for the Green Line (leaving work to go to Micro Center to buy half an AA battery) I saw one of Coolidge Corner's native wackos. This guy hangs around on the sidewalk and keeps ducking into a dark corner (by the S.S. Pierce building) whenever people are around, as if he's about to mug them. However, he doesn't actually interact with other people (except to hide from them) and merely repeats this script all day: A. Take two quick steps away from hiding place while gasping. B. Take a third step in the form of stamping the ground really hard. C. Quickly return to hiding place (two steps) while making hissing noises. The sound effects are synchronized with the steps so the dance goes like this: (hide) GASP! GASP! STOMP! sss! sss! (hide) GASP! GASP! STOMP! sss! sss! (hide) I don't think I'm going to invite this fellow to the party next month. -- K. Also, if you wear your clothes inside-out on the day of the party, someone might notice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird sights today. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 13 Aug 1999 03:30:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 4. While waiting for the Green Line (leaving work to go to Micro Center > > to buy half an AA battery) > > Psst! > Hey kid! > Wanna buy an "A"? The "Psst, wanna buy an AN?" sketch on Sesame Street was always one of my very most favorite things in the whole world when I was little. ("The man with the plan, in the tan van...") In Sesame Street's later years, they tried to recapture their former glory with sketches like the one about the TRout driving a TRuck on the planet TR, but they never quite got the style. Remember the music that accompanied the sleazy guy fencing the "AN"? Although still nothing compares to the electric thrill of just seeing the black card with the thunderbolt saying "MUPPET NEWS FLASH!" Real life should be interrupted by Muppet News Flashes. ALL the time. Anyway, yeah, my computer (the one that thought it was 1956) takes little batteries whose "form factor" (that's the computer-industry obfuscation for the word "size") is called "1/2 AA". It's a weird little purple 3.6 volt battery made by either Nesco or Tadiran, depending on which part of the package you read. (Don't you love products where they're unsure what their own trademark is?) "Tad-Iran" is a very strange name when you realize it's an Israeli company... THERE'S A TAD OF IRAN IN EVERY BATTERY! NOW 50% HALAL AND 50% KOSHER! -- K. I put in the new battery and instead of saying "1956", now my computer says "HA, HA, I JUST COST YOU EIGHT BUCKS!" Yay, it's accurate! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Tales from the Eclipse, Part Gemblety-Nerf Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 12 Aug 1999 05:36:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Today there was an eclipse. > > [...] > > I heard the following conversation behind me: > > PERSON 1: Yeh, we've been here since about 10:00. > > PERSON 2: How come? The interesting bit of the eclipse doesn't happen > until 11:19, according to the news. > > PERSON 1: Well, just in case the eclipse happened early. "The Sun went back to daylight savings time again without telling us!" It's just too bad you weren't on the other side of the Earth when the eclipse happened, because then you would have been able to see the other side of the Sun, which has different craters we never see. -- K. Also, Sunbase Alpha is there. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's word of the day. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 15 Aug 1999 06:38:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Today at one of my favorite Indian grocery stores, I saw a box of textured vegetable protein blobs which was emblazoned with these words inside a little starburst: Softer Squeezier Juicier So, ladies and gentlemen, I suggest we all endeavor to employ the wonderful word "squeezier" wherever possible. IT'S THE SQUEEZIEST! -- K. They should also make the soy blobs in black pepper flavor so they could be sneezier. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.logic,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: unify symmetry with math operators and logical quantifiers Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 02:06:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.logic & sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (reporting from Halifax, Nova Scotia, 99/8/16) ...and everywhere, members of the International Scientific Conspiracy To Suppress The Brilliant Ideas Of Archimedes Plutonium stick another little pin in their maps. In Nova Scotia, for the first time ever, the Plutonium Alarm sounds, and for once it is not a drill! Somewhere, deep underground, a big electric sign begins flashing, "NOVA... SCOTIA... HAS... BEEN... CONTAMINATED... CONTAMINATED..." > Sometime back, perhaps 1 week or 2 weeks ago, the idea > of an inverse inverse limit was raised. It was a typo > error. But I am going to run with it as perhaps the key > into a Unification of mathematical symmetry group theory > tying together or linking or connecting mathematical operators > and also logical quantifiers. Yes, do run with it. Run right past Halifax and keep on going. Write us when you get to Iceland. Oh, and by the way, Archie, I am about to blow your mind: IMAGINE IF THERE WERE AN INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE DOUBLE INVERSE INVERSE MEGA-INVERSE LIMIT WITH SPRINKLES AND A SPARKLING DROP OF RETSYN! (I apologize for shaking up your notion of reality by saying the word "INVERSE" several times. Sorry, but that's the way science works.) > I have only a rudimentary outline of such a unification > at present time. NO, REALLY? > However, it may not work. NO, REALLY? > But I shall explore it. You couldn't explore an inverse inverse limit with both hands and an inverse inverse mapping. > [...] > > If the above is all true, then progress will be made so > as to eventually see differentiation of mathematics or > negation of logic as nothing more than some rotation of > symmetry. That would be a vast unification indeed. It is > amazing what a little typo error can generate. So your conspiracy theory has something to do with Elvis's birth certificate? > I am in Halifax, Nova Scotia posting the above. I intend > to make Halifax my summer home and Florida my winter home. Wow. I didn't know it was possible to find *two* homes for sale that were both shaped like giant atoms. > Recently the UN report on "best place to live" ranked Canada > for the third year in a row as the world's best place to live. > And of Canada, I believe that Halifax is the best place. > Others have said that Vancouver is the best, however I find > it too wet. And besides, Halifax is closer to Europe where > our heritage and culture flowed from. The buildings, the > architecture, the harbor and the climate and clean environment > are beautiful here in Halifax. And it is a city that does > not dwarf oneself, unlike New York or Boston or the California > cities. I have made Halifax my summer home for I do not like > heat. I function best in a cool climate. The sooner you start walking the sooner you can be in Iceland. > This transition period is going smoothly for me, however, > my science and physics thoughts are less. But perhaps after > I settle into my new routine, the storms and floods of > physics and science thoughts will return to me. > Hopefully they will. PHYSICS IS LIKE A STORM RAGING INSIDE YOU. -- K. If only he would cure it by drinking some Pepto Bismol then he could change his name to Archimedes Bismuth. Of course, he'll never be Archie Lithium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ford opens hydrogen fueling station Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 02:58:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The United Press informs me: > > DEARBORN, Mich., Aug. 16 (UPI) -- A Ford Motor Co. research facility > has opened North America's first liquid and gaseous hydrogen station But I thought we already had Blimpie's. > to supply fuel cell vehicles. "I'm sorry, gasoline, but you're an evil chemical, so we're going to put you in a fuel cell in fuel jail!" > The opening in Dearborn and a related Ford announcement today about > progress in hydrogen research are the latest indicators that automakers > are forging ahead with plans to market smog-free fuel cell vehicles > within a few years. Yep, no smog. Just invisible hydrogen flames spewing forth from cars which explode when the sunlight hits them. > Last month the oil giant Royal Dutch Shell and a battery company with > ties to General Motors Corp. announced plans to develop fueling stations > that sell a powdered hydrogen product for use in fuel cell cars and > trucks. New Powdered Hydrogen Product. All the unpleasantness of powdered cheese food, but none of the cheese! "Wow! It's just as disgusting as shaker mozzarella dust, but I can eat it!" -- Kibo > DaimlerChrysler AG and other automakers are working on similar fuel > cell projects. They're suppressing my invention, a pill which, when added to any fuel cell, converts it to gasoline! > Fuel cells convert hydrogen to electricity for powering electric > motors in vehicles. Automakers, oil companies and other firms are > working on a variety of systems. Why do I have a mental image of Gallagher driving around in the world's largest lemon with eletrodes stuck in it? > Like his counterparts at rival auto companies, Ford Vice President > Bill Powers says his firm ``intends to be the leader in the production > of fuel cell vehicles.'' And then another Ford Vice President, Ned Crashers, said the cars would go really fast! > Ford and the oil company Mobil announced today progress in developing > a ``reformer'' that can create hydrogen from gasoline on board a > vehicle. Reforming systems would allow fuel-cell vehicles to run on > gasoline, using existing filling stations. Why not just bubble hydrogen gas through gasoline? Then you could have both kinds of power in one place! And you could toss a lemon in, too! In fourth grade, I made a lemon battery. It sat on the shelf in the classroom until it turned into something that looked like a lime with long hair. > At the same time Ford is studying fuel-cell vehicles that operate > solely on gaseous or liquid hydrogen. The refueling station at the > company's North American Research and Engineering campus will allow > researchers to tests vehicles including the Ford P2000 HFC sedan. "HFC" stands for "Hydrogen Fried Chicken". > And Ford says it is studying the use of hydrogen in powering internal > combustion engines which now operate on gasoline or diesel fuel. It's just too bad everyone used up all the solar energy back in the '70s. > Ford says it's spending $1.5 million for the refueling station and a > five-year fuel from Air Products, the world's largest supplier of > hydrogen and a contractor for NASA's space shuttle program. But what about powdered air products? -- K. Mmm, a marshmallow with air sprinkles!