Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 16 Aug 1999 05:32:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > > > > > What we have instead, is concrete blocks. Painted in red and > > > yellow. No wimpy cones here - no Finnish driver would pay any > > > attention whatsoever. > > > > Wait... Finland has CARS? > > Not really. We have big cardboard boxes. You put them over your head > and run and make engine noises with your mouth. Waah! When I was four, I lived in Finland and didn't realize it! > > > I even got in trouble with the police over all this. Well, > > > almost. > > > > Cool! Was it the size of your camera? I never got kicked out of > > stores before I got the big gun. > > It was more the fact that they didn't like me using my camera from a > moving car, with the flash. > > They told me to only walk around on the sidewalk taking pictures of > women. You big silly, don't use the flash when taking photos of things that are uninteresting enough to normal people that they think you must be evil. It would be fun to do some controlled experiments and find out what model of camera, and what brand of camera, would be most likely to get you kicked out of the average Petco store. Of course, after determining which Petco store is the average one, they'd probably get pretty suspicious after I sent in the first ten people with cameras, so first we'd have to build a hundred identical average Petco stores. Maybe it would be better to do this experiment at a chain where all the stores are already identical, like Pep Boys. Except I don't know if Pep Boys would bother to kick you out for taking photos of wacky spark plugs. Better experiment: Find out how to get kicked out of Pep Boys. "Hey, are those the Ritz Brothers on the sign?" (My technique for moving-car photos: Switch to manual focus and set the focus close to infinity, then lock the shutter speed at something like 1/180 to 1/500 second depending on how sunny it is. Then pray. Do NOT try this with a Kodak DC210's 1/2-second shutter speed.) -- K. (All your photos would come out looking like you leaned out one of the windows of the USS Enterprise as it was going through the wormhole in "Star Trek: The Motion Picture", the only "Star Trek" scene to have been used as stock footage on a TV sitcom.*) * The final shot of the episode of "Mork & Mindy", after they accidentally wrote Jonathan Winters out of the story arc. Just out of curiosity, why are wormholes generated by the same technology as Atari Tempest? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.religion.kibology CONETEST for August/September 1999! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 06:09:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > You big silly, don't use the flash when taking photos of things that > > are uninteresting enough to normal people that they think you must be evil. > > I hate to interject, but I'd just like to point out that those > disposable cameras with the flash on them -- the ones with a button to > push when you want to use the flash -- can't be used without the flash. Stacia, I hate to interrupt, but I think something's wrong with your keyboard. It seems to have added three extra words to the end of that perfect sentence. > Ever. (You'd think that these disposable cameras wouldn't have bothered > to install a button to turn on the flash if the flash couldn't actually be > turned off.) So while I was out on I-70, taking a picture of a lovely > barrel, a car drove by as I snapped the shot, and I flashed them. > In retaliation, they yelled, "W000000!!!1!" > After I caught up with them down the road, I discovered it was a car > full of girls, drinking either bottles of ICB root beer, or Bud Light. In general, what happens is that pushing the button charges the flash so that it will fire the next dozen or so times you use the camera. To make it not flash afterwards, you need to either wait six months before using the camera again, or shoot a dozen photos and throw them away. Me, I'm waiting for them to make a disposable digital camera.* > > Maybe it would be better to do this experiment at a chain where all > > the stores are already identical, like Pep Boys. Except I don't know > > if Pep Boys would bother to kick you out for taking photos of wacky > > spark plugs. Better experiment: Find out how to get kicked out of > > Pep Boys. > > It's waaaaay too easy to get kicked out of Western Auto nowadays. Their > new line of stores, called Auto Parts or something, has a sign in it that > tells you they will shoot you dead if you take flash photography in their > store. I'm not sure why pictures of Gumout and Pennzoil are so highly > sought after. I've been in a number of stores with large "NO PHOTOS" signs, such as Toys R Us (which always has gigantic blue ones with a crossed-out camera) and not once have I been kicked out. Which is good, because Toys R Us is my favorite place to take photos of George Burns dolls and kids putting their lips on playground equipment. I was kicked out of a cheap imitation toy store which DIDN'T have a sign, and then there was the time I was kicked out of Fao Schwarz, but that last one doesn't count because I didn't have a camera, I was just memorizing what the kids looked like. Oh, and I should point out that every pornography store has a "NO CAMERAS OR RECORDING DEVICES ALLOWED IN STORE" sign, but you can waltz right in with a camera. I still don't know whether they're worried that you're going to secretly photograph the patrons so that you can prosecute or blackmail them, or just take blurry photos of the covers of dirty magazines in order to fill up your lame porno Web site. I should point out that lame porno Web sites never have a "NO CAMERAS" icon, so you can take pictures of Web sites and then start your own pornography store. I am a business genius! -- K. Of course, I am too much of a genius to like pornography. * From the makers of WebTV! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.logic,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: unify symmetry with math operators and logical quantifiers Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 02:06:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.logic & sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (reporting from Halifax, Nova Scotia, 99/8/16) ...and everywhere, members of the International Scientific Conspiracy To Suppress The Brilliant Ideas Of Archimedes Plutonium stick another little pin in their maps. In Nova Scotia, for the first time ever, the Plutonium Alarm sounds, and for once it is not a drill! Somewhere, deep underground, a big electric sign begins flashing, "NOVA... SCOTIA... HAS... BEEN... CONTAMINATED... CONTAMINATED..." > Sometime back, perhaps 1 week or 2 weeks ago, the idea > of an inverse inverse limit was raised. It was a typo > error. But I am going to run with it as perhaps the key > into a Unification of mathematical symmetry group theory > tying together or linking or connecting mathematical operators > and also logical quantifiers. Yes, do run with it. Run right past Halifax and keep on going. Write us when you get to Iceland. Oh, and by the way, Archie, I am about to blow your mind: IMAGINE IF THERE WERE AN INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE INVERSE DOUBLE INVERSE INVERSE MEGA-INVERSE LIMIT WITH SPRINKLES AND A SPARKLING DROP OF RETSYN! (I apologize for shaking up your notion of reality by saying the word "INVERSE" several times. Sorry, but that's the way science works.) > I have only a rudimentary outline of such a unification > at present time. NO, REALLY? > However, it may not work. NO, REALLY? > But I shall explore it. You couldn't explore an inverse inverse limit with both hands and an inverse inverse mapping. > [...] > > If the above is all true, then progress will be made so > as to eventually see differentiation of mathematics or > negation of logic as nothing more than some rotation of > symmetry. That would be a vast unification indeed. It is > amazing what a little typo error can generate. So your conspiracy theory has something to do with Elvis's birth certificate? > I am in Halifax, Nova Scotia posting the above. I intend > to make Halifax my summer home and Florida my winter home. Wow. I didn't know it was possible to find *two* homes for sale that were both shaped like giant atoms. > Recently the UN report on "best place to live" ranked Canada > for the third year in a row as the world's best place to live. > And of Canada, I believe that Halifax is the best place. > Others have said that Vancouver is the best, however I find > it too wet. And besides, Halifax is closer to Europe where > our heritage and culture flowed from. The buildings, the > architecture, the harbor and the climate and clean environment > are beautiful here in Halifax. And it is a city that does > not dwarf oneself, unlike New York or Boston or the California > cities. I have made Halifax my summer home for I do not like > heat. I function best in a cool climate. The sooner you start walking the sooner you can be in Iceland. > This transition period is going smoothly for me, however, > my science and physics thoughts are less. But perhaps after > I settle into my new routine, the storms and floods of > physics and science thoughts will return to me. > Hopefully they will. PHYSICS IS LIKE A STORM RAGING INSIDE YOU. -- K. If only he would cure it by drinking some Pepto Bismol then he could change his name to Archimedes Bismuth. Of course, he'll never be Archie Lithium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archie's In My Backyard?!?!? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 06:01:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > "Darla" (darla4695@sprynet.com) writes: > > > > Ohmigod ohmigod--- somebody HELP me! I never heard the Plutonium Alarm, > > and now Archie is here, and I am unprepared! The bookcases are not bolted > > to the walls, I don't have enough clean water and towels--- and my animals > > are restlessly stalking the floors of our house and growling nervously at > > the windows. Well, Reilly is, anyway. The cats don't growl much. > > This is *exactly* what happens every time there's a tornado in town, > except, the cats can't be pried off their fat furry butts and have to be > carried into the bathroom. Wacky sitcom chaos ensues as I grab one cat, > toss them in the tub, throw a mattress over them, and go try to find the > other cat. When I open the door, the first cat runs out, so I toss the > second cat into the tub, etc etc, until I decide they can just GO to the > OTHER FREAKIN' SIDE OF THE RAINBOW ALREADY. I just imagine what's going through your cats' minds: "Hey, she's trying to put us in the bathtub. She must be about to drown us!" "No, silly, see, she's putting that mattress on top of the tub because she wants to crush us while sleeping on her waterbed in the tub." "Wait, I have an idea. Maybe her puny human brain thinks we want to be protected from the twister." "But I'd rather take my chances outside than be trapped at the bottom of a pile of rubble in a bathtub under a mattress. Especially since the water pipes would probably break and I'd get all wet and there would be this smelly wet used mattress suffocating me." "Eww! You're right, I'd rather just go outside and fly around. Tell you what, I'll claw at her face while you run past her. Next tornado, it's your turn to bite her while I go out to play." You see, cats are smarter than we realize. They don't claw at their owners because they have tiny cat brains. They claw at us because they know better than to let us have our way. Also, have you considered turning the bathtub upside down and putting the cats under it? -- K. And filling it with Jell-O in case there's an earthquake? Or moving to the Moon so there will never be any earthquakes? Or just getting indestructible cats? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archie's In My Backyard?!?!? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 04:45:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Darla" (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In Nova Scotia, for the first time ever, the Plutonium Alarm sounds, > > and for once it is not a drill! > > > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > I am in Halifax, Nova Scotia ...I intend > > > to make Halifax my summer home...Halifax is closer to Europe where > > > our heritage and culture flowed from. The buildings, the > > > architecture, the harbor and the climate and clean environment > > > are beautiful here in Halifax. ... I have made Halifax my summer home > > > for I do not like heat. I function best in a cool climate. > > Ohmigod ohmigod--- somebody HELP me! I never heard the Plutonium Alarm, and > now Archie is here, and I am unprepared! The bookcases are not bolted to > the walls, I don't have enough clean water and towels--- and my animals are > restlessly stalking the floors of our house and growling nervously at the > windows. Well, Reilly is, anyway. The cats don't growl much. You should post signs on all your windows saying "PREMISES PROTECTED BY VICIOUS ATTACK CATS" to keep the bad people away, and "PREMISES PROTECTED BY ROVING GANGS OF THE SCIENTIFIC ORTHODOXY DETERMINED TO SUPPRESS BRILLIANT THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE BEING A GIANT PLUTONIUM ATOM" to keep the worse people away. Also, keep your TV set tuned to the Plutonium Alarm Network (PAN) from now on instead of just watching "Canadian Gladiators" all day. > Small wonder Archie likes it here--- not only is it cool, which keeps his > Small Brane from spoiling, but there are EIGHT colleges and universities in > this small province. Which one will he pick? Why is he HERE? What can I > dooooo? > > Aaaiieeeeeee! > > Darla > --- frantic Darla! Calm down. Eat two red candies! In two minutes, eat four more! Help is on the way! Blessings of the status quo! Blessings of the massless! Simply use your home's naturally-occurring Fusion Barrier Lawsuit Field to shield the entire peninsula of Nova Scotia from the incursions made by crazed potwashers, wacko dishwashers, nutty panwashers, psycho flatwarewashers, and perfectly sane spherewarewashers. If worst comes to worst, simply soft-land the Moon once or more in your home's back yard and dismantle it with an ordinary household bulldozer, using the material to turn Nova Scotia into Supernova Scotia. Then eat some more candy. -- K. NO MATTER HOW MUCH CANDY YOU'VE BEEN EATING, YOU SHOULD EAT MORE! THE UNIVERSE HAS SUPERDETERMINED THAT ONLY YOU LIKE CANDY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ford opens hydrogen fueling station Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 02:58:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The United Press informs me: > > DEARBORN, Mich., Aug. 16 (UPI) -- A Ford Motor Co. research facility > has opened North America's first liquid and gaseous hydrogen station But I thought we already had Blimpie's. > to supply fuel cell vehicles. "I'm sorry, gasoline, but you're an evil chemical, so we're going to put you in a fuel cell in fuel jail!" > The opening in Dearborn and a related Ford announcement today about > progress in hydrogen research are the latest indicators that automakers > are forging ahead with plans to market smog-free fuel cell vehicles > within a few years. Yep, no smog. Just invisible hydrogen flames spewing forth from cars which explode when the sunlight hits them. > Last month the oil giant Royal Dutch Shell and a battery company with > ties to General Motors Corp. announced plans to develop fueling stations > that sell a powdered hydrogen product for use in fuel cell cars and > trucks. New Powdered Hydrogen Product. All the unpleasantness of powdered cheese food, but none of the cheese! "Wow! It's just as disgusting as shaker mozzarella dust, but I can eat it!" -- Kibo > DaimlerChrysler AG and other automakers are working on similar fuel > cell projects. They're suppressing my invention, a pill which, when added to any fuel cell, converts it to gasoline! > Fuel cells convert hydrogen to electricity for powering electric > motors in vehicles. Automakers, oil companies and other firms are > working on a variety of systems. Why do I have a mental image of Gallagher driving around in the world's largest lemon with eletrodes stuck in it? > Like his counterparts at rival auto companies, Ford Vice President > Bill Powers says his firm ``intends to be the leader in the production > of fuel cell vehicles.'' And then another Ford Vice President, Ned Crashers, said the cars would go really fast! > Ford and the oil company Mobil announced today progress in developing > a ``reformer'' that can create hydrogen from gasoline on board a > vehicle. Reforming systems would allow fuel-cell vehicles to run on > gasoline, using existing filling stations. Why not just bubble hydrogen gas through gasoline? Then you could have both kinds of power in one place! And you could toss a lemon in, too! In fourth grade, I made a lemon battery. It sat on the shelf in the classroom until it turned into something that looked like a lime with long hair. > At the same time Ford is studying fuel-cell vehicles that operate > solely on gaseous or liquid hydrogen. The refueling station at the > company's North American Research and Engineering campus will allow > researchers to tests vehicles including the Ford P2000 HFC sedan. "HFC" stands for "Hydrogen Fried Chicken". > And Ford says it is studying the use of hydrogen in powering internal > combustion engines which now operate on gasoline or diesel fuel. It's just too bad everyone used up all the solar energy back in the '70s. > Ford says it's spending $1.5 million for the refueling station and a > five-year fuel from Air Products, the world's largest supplier of > hydrogen and a contractor for NASA's space shuttle program. But what about powdered air products? -- K. Mmm, a marshmallow with air sprinkles! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Death Dot! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 17 Aug 1999 04:39:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Don't look at it! I said don't look at it! |DANGER/DANGER/DANGER/DANGER| |///////////////////////////| | | | | | | Don't look at THIS --------------------> | . | | | | | | | |///////////////////////////| |DANGER/DANGER/DANGER/DANGER| Don't look at it, because it could be THE DEATH DOT! -- K. Thank you for not looking, even though it probably isn't The Death Dot. P.S. The dot after the "-- K" is the REAL Death Dot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Death Dot! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 04:35:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > I LAUGH at your puny Death Dot. DON'T LAUGH AT STRANGE DOTS! It might make them mad. Or at least stranger. AND STRANGE DOTS ARE CREEPY! If you keep laughing at random dots, they might become so strange that they turn into paisley! MOCK THE DEATH DOT AT YOUR OWN RISK! Although I wouldn't mind if you did so at Bob Hope's risk too. -- K. And you know that doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot doot deet doot doot deet BLORCH!!! array of dots on Sesame Street? ONE OF THOSE COULD BE THE DEATH DOT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My delete finger hurts. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 04:54:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor So I was annoyed that my new computer's little keyboard (being a tiny little thirteen-inch wide laptop) didn't include a "delete to right" key, so I hacked the operating system to make the useless extra "enter" key (just to the right of the space bar) into "delete to right". The only problem is, I put my "delete to right" key in the part of the keyboard that gets hot enough to fry an egg whenever the computer is plugged in. So, although the manufacturer has dispensed with "keyboard hints" in this model -- those silly little zits on the "d" and "k" keys that supposedly help you find the "home row", and are on different keys on every keyboard, or are missing from this one -- I can still find the keys in the dark by using my sensitive fingertips to search for the key that's emitting high-intensity infrared radiation that could melt any G. I. Joe action figure who was careless enough to try to delete anything to his right. -- K. I still can't do anything about both "shift" keys being "left-shift" except when "fn" is down, turning them both into "right-shift". Kind of ruins all Windows pinball games. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My delete finger hurts. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 04:44:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > > > Does anyone know where I can buy electrician's tape in bulk? > > No. But I *do* know where you can get some used safety equipment. > > http://www.brenco-inc.com/used6.htm Ah. My psychic intuition tells me you only found that page because it says "Rubber Goods" on it. I clicked the "Used Rubber Goods" link and got this: -> To see how to care for Rubber Gloves, Sleeves, and Blankets -> Click Here Rubber blankets? Wouldn't they be hot? -> To see how to car for Rubber Protective Equipment. -> Click Here Also find out how to firetruck your rubber blankets and zeppelin your pez. The page on caring for rubber blankets includes a sentence which I like: -> It is difficult to inspect blankets properly by looking at a flat surface. Especially if the blankets aren't near it. > JOHNNY CONSUMER; So, this Used Safety Equipment is completely safe? > > BRENCO SALESMAN: Absolutely! 100%! We snagged them from accident > sites ourselves, so you can be guaranteed that this is Quality Used > Safety Equipment! > > JC: Uhh....why is there an arm sticking out of that jaws of life? > > BS: Err...we grabbed it from a fireman as he was using it! That's > how you know that this is quality equipment! > > JC: What's that brow-- HEY! THAT'S BLOOD ALL OVER THAT HARDHAT! AND > A CHUNK OF HAIR! YOU GUYS ARE SICK!!! SICK!!! > > BS: We got that from a wonderful construction worker who...errr... > donated it to us! > > JC: HEY! PART OF HIS SCALP IS STILL IN IT! WHAT TH-- > > BS: That's a really nice First Aid kit you have there... > > JC: WHAT? HUH? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HWAGGKKK-- > > #NO CARRIER Dear Pope Emperor FrogMaN, That is the best scene I've ever read written by someone wearing a used Aquala stuffed with wadded-up rubber blankets in the middle of a swimming pool filled with a mixture of 50% lithium grease and 50% oatmeal. Please post more erotic pictures of women flooring the fire engine's gas pedal while wearing neoprene hazmat suits with the Lab Safety Supply Brand Tyvek Economy Hood and ferrets stuffed into the legs. -- K. Mercury spill kits sound like fun until you realize that you have to supply your own mercury. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Jar Jar Binks and Apple's iBook: Who's The Big Sissy? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 05:05:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A while ago I observed that Jar Jar Binks dresses like Valerie Harper as Rhoda (except for the bandana), with bell-bottom hip-huggers and a bolero vest. A suede bolero vest. A computer-generated suede bolero vest. Then, a month or so ago, God spoke to me in the form of an ice cream cone in a dream to tell me to tell you that Apple's new iBook was The World's Gayest Computer (hey, the ice cream cone said it, not me.) Now here's where Bad Pop Culture collides with Other Bad Pop Culture. I am getting really sick of those Gap commercials and Old Navy commercials, every five minutes, telling me that all the utterly hip trendy people everywhere in the world MUST START WEARING VESTS OVER THEIR T-SHIRTS TOMORROW. Both Gap and Old Navy have decided to start a vest craze at the same time, and so they're having a war to see who can pre-sell the most vests, resulting in a typical half-hour of American TV being like this: (5 minutes of content) Gap vest commercial Old Navy vest commercial Gap vest commercial Old Navy vest commercial (5 minutes of content) Old Navy vest commercial Gap vest commercial Old Navy vest commercial Bagpipe music CD commercial Gap vest commercial (5 minutes of content) So here are two observations on the vest pseudo-phenomenon (or whatever else you call a pop culture craze that's supposed to happen and isn't happening:) 1. Someone pointed out that all the clothing in the Gap commercial (the one whose half a sentence is "Everybody in vests.") is in bright denim blue and fluorescent orange. Which are the same two colors as Apple's iBook. Some Mac fans on the Web, presumably the ones with the longest ponytails, are now assuming that Apple and Gap are secretly colluding to sell ENORMOUS NUMBERS OF VESTS TO ALL THOSE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO BUY iBOOKS! BECAUSE YOU GOTTA HAVE A VEST THAT MATCHES YOUR PURSE-SHAPED COMPUTER! But my observation is better: 2. This whole vest thing was OBVIOUSLY inspired by Jar Jar Binks. -- K. My Jar Jar Binks action figure (NOT A DOLL) has a little rubber vest which is removable, provided you pull his arms off. Which I would do if I wasn't saving him to melt in the oven once I borrow a tripod for the time- lapse pictures. DIE, VEST ALIEN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jar Jar Binks and Apple's iBook: Who's The Big Sissy? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 04:51:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "mik" (knot.koroviev@sirius.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I am getting really sick of those Gap commercials and Old Navy > > commercials, every five minutes, telling me that all the utterly > > hip trendy people everywhere in the world MUST START WEARING VESTS > > OVER THEIR T-SHIRTS TOMORROW. > > I get nauseous when I find myself suddenly fashionable because of the > vest I've been wearing every day for the last three years. I think a controlled experiment is in order. Switch to something else, like wearing giant Mickey Mouse gloves, for the next three years, and see if it starts a new trend. > My only redemption is that the front of my vest is infused with six kinds > of secret sauce and theirs aren't. > > Can you guess what they are? > > Hint: I have no trouble with vampires. Isn't holy water kind of runny to be a secret sauce? It's not terribly secret, either. I've seen the Pope getting it out of the kitchen faucet. > > This whole vest thing was OBVIOUSLY inspired by Jar Jar Binks. > > I've come the the sad realization that I may have inspired JJB. So... does that mean that the cheap knockoff of Jar-Jar in "Battlestar Galactica: The Motion Picture" will be inspired by a cheap knockoff of you? -- K. ...and the cheap knockoff of you buys vests at The Gap. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Periodic Table Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 05:13:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > I'd ask Ranjit to do a Periodic Table of Cute Dogs, except that I know > > that he will in no way BE OBJECTIVE. > > > Tk Ha > Ts Be Sn Sp Br Bd > > That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Please > find the proper spot for your dog. Poor Spot! Spot couldn't find the proper spot for Spot because he wasn't on the table, because he wasn't a cute dog or famous scientist, he was just a spotwasher! "STOP!" yelled SPOT as he washed the TOPS of his POTS, "Don't POST that table, POTSie!" Then a seedy-looking man peered around the corner and said, "PSOT! Wanna buy an 'an'?" and everything turned into Sesame Street, so Spot got distracted when he got lost on the way to seven. The end. > Key: > Tk - Tikko > Ha - Harlan > Ts - Tetsuo > Be - Bear > Sn - Sunshine > Sp - Spice > Br - Barley > Bd - Booger Dog Oh, great. Now Archimedes Spot is going to have to name the next 150 elements so that he can then discover them, and they'll all have names like Alponium and Liverbaconium and Kibblesbitzium. -- K. Ranjit, can you do a Periodic Table of Kibologists? It should be circular and have me at the center. Also be sure to give me lots of electrons. I think I have several electrons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Periodic Table Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 07:59:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > I'd ask Ranjit to do a Periodic Table of Cute Dogs, except that I know > > > that he will in no way BE OBJECTIVE. > > > > Tk Ha > > Ts Be Sn Sp Br Bd > > > > That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Please > > find the proper spot for your dog. > > Waaah! Spot cried, because he was so far from cute that he fell off the > edge of the table! He got stuck in the scroll bar, and then Kibo scrolled > to see more of the post, and Spot went off the edge of the screen! Spot > cried some more, because now he knew how it felt to be Lee S. Bumgarner's > Message-ID, and it _hurt_! Almost as much as when it fell on him and killed > him! And then Spot realized that this meant he was already dead before the > story started, which was a new record even for him! And that he was now all > two-dimensional and stuff, squoooshed under the edge of a tab on a Microsoft > window! "Waaaah!", cried Spot, "Why didn't I learn Linux while I was still > _alive_! Those atheists were right - I _didn't_ go to heaven!" Wasn't there supposed to be something about him having a WebTV, too? > [...] > > PS: I wrote this post _before_ I hit "space" and found that Kibo had > already wrote it, QUICK, CADET ZOWIE, LET US HIT SPACE! *WHOOSH* > [...] > > And that's why, your Honor, I had to defenestrate it. You post was indefenestratible. -- K. Even by a gummikrankenshwester. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Periodic Table Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 21:48:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > I've decided to make a Periodic Table of the Joke Periodic > Tables of Things That Aren't Elements. For example: > > Ds - Periodic Table of the Desserts > Vg - Periodic Table of the Vegetables > Ft - Periodic Table of the Fruits > So - Periodic Table of the Soups > Ny - That Periodic Table Joke That Was In The New Yorker > Recently But I Can't Remember The Details > > Do any of you have any experience with Joke Periodic Tables > of Things That Aren't Elements, or know anyone who does? I think Archie has already discovered everything that isn't an element. This is a great boon for science because now if scientists discover anything new, they'll know it HAS to be an element if it's not on Archie's list of "Citrushaddockium" and "Plutoniumium". (He used to spell those "Citrushaddock%m" and "Plutonium%m", I never understood what the "%" was supposed to be or why it wasn't "Pluton%m%m".) I'd just like to point out that I'm only following up to your posting because if I didn't, maybe you'd have to follow up to your own posting, and then you'd become another Archimedes Plutonium, so you'd have to change your name to something weird, like Asafetida Potato Racket. Plus I was tricked into reading your posting twice because I'm using a silly newsreader program where the diagram of the thread has CURVES in it instead of corners for the branches so I accidentally went 'round the bend and found you. -- K. I think this program will re-wrap these lines NO MATTER WHAT. So don't blame me if I do anything stupid with it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AARGH! BUMBLEBEE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 06:14:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > E Teflon Piano wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > * Normal people who don't have crew cuts and are thus limited to > > > less-cool non-NASA jobs such as pornography or underwater demolition. > > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > Wackyparsed, under the context, as underware demolition. REally. > > Was it in this group I read about the Russians developing a bacteria to > eat the underwear of the Mir cosmonauts? I think you're confusing the Russians with Bart Simpson, or possibly Chevy Chase as Mr. Spock. Now, Chevy Chase as Bart Simpson, that would be comedy! -- K. Not good comedy, but you can't deny that everyone on Earth would say, "Yeah, that must be comedy, I'm sure SOMEONE ELSE would find it funny." You know, the way everyone is convinced that EVERYONE ELSE believes the Weekly World News is true. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird sights today. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 06:19:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > 1. Trader Joe's is now selling "Fortune-Style Cookies" which are > > poker-chip shaped discs of yellow particle board. > > I asked a Chinese girl last week if they had fortune cookies in > China, and she said "Yes, but in China they're not really cookies, > and there's no fortune inside." This is the part of the episode where Mr. Spock makes the robot's brain explode, right? For what it's worth (very little, even in Trader Joe's) modern fortune cookies (the mechanically folded kind) were invented in San Francisco. They start out as circles and a cute little machine folds them along both axes at the same time. No word on whether it's true that Stephen King has been paid twenty million dollars to write an upcoming fortune. (Chop Suey was also invented in San Francisco. I don't know about Crab Rangoon, but it must be from the United States. I mean, surimi with cream cheese? Blecch, two kinds of deep-fried white library paste.) -- K. And in China, they keep worrying that everyone in the United States could jump up and down at the same time and NOBODY IN CHINA WOULD NOTICE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird sights today. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 07:08:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Bruce Tomlin (btomlin@texas.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Anyway, yeah, my computer (the one that thought it was 1956) takes > > little batteries whose "form factor" (that's the computer-industry > > obfuscation for the word "size") is called "1/2 AA". > > Well, at least it didn't make your monitor stop working. Yes, with some > models of macs and some particular monitors, you will get NO VIDEO when > the battery goes out! Mac weenies tend to get all snotty about how all Windows computers will OBVIOUSLY explode on January First, Two Thousand, when most of 'em don't realize that older Macs go black-screen when the clock battery expires -- and although Apple claims the clock batteries last five to seven years, they tend to go belly-up after two to four. Modern Macs don't black-screen when the batteries died, but the ones made a few years ago are pretending to die RIGHT NOW to trick people into buying new Macs (instead of an eight-dollar battery) because they think their computer's motherboard has been fried. (Worse, in some of the earliest Macs, the battery is soldered onto the motherboard!) So, basically, until recently, many Macs would appear to self-destruct after about three years, whether it was the year 2000 or not. Computers break down like this: Windows -- Tends to mysteriously stop working between sessions. Then you spend a day re-installing Windows. After that, the computer sort of works, but the applications act weird, so you never again will use your computer to its full potential, which keeps the hardware from wearing out. Macs -- The hardware breaks early, to keep you from finding out that the system software is just as flaky as Windows. UNIX -- Almost never crashes, but when it does, it trashes your entire filesystem. Amiga -- Little elves make it crash at least once a day. Atari ST -- It's hard to determine why the computer broke because it breaks faster than the human eye can follow. Also the case falls apart if you mistakenly put any pressure on the keyboard, and it catches fire if you confuse drive "C:" with drive "c:" (the only part of the whole file-system that was case-sensitive was the cartridge port) and the computer erases all your files if you mistakenly try to move one of the big icons that say "DRAG ME WITH THE MOUSE!" even though the only thing that can do is destroy your disk. WebTV -- Can't break. At least, we think it can't, because we can't imagine what the difference between a normal WebTV and a non-functional WebTV would be. Pac-Man -- Breaks after I reach level 255. So, am I the only one who's not worried about the effects of the year 2000 on DOS/Windows PCs because the worst case would be that the computer wouldn't know what year it is and all the files would be timestamped "1980" and this would be exactly like it was around 1986, when the computers didn't HAVE lithium batteries and they asked you to enter the time every day when you turned the computer on, and nobody ever bothered doing this? -- K. Rule #2: The faster your computer runs, the slower it boots. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Swimmer Escapes Rape by Dolphin Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 06:49:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In article (Qnorway-dolphin-rapeURNer_9aH@clari.net), "AFP" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Swimmer Escapes Rape by Dolphin > > OSLO, Aug 17 (AFP) - A dolphin tried to rape a 28-year-old > Norwegian swimmer who had been gambolling with it DING DING DING! The inclusion of the word "gamboling" pushed this article across the line which demarcates those wire-service articles which are as interesting as their headlines! Unfortunately, they misspelled it ("gambol" has one "l", and the final consonant is not doubled when you add a suffix which begins with a vowel to the end of a word with more than one syllable, as everyone would be forced to learn if Noam Chomsky taught second grade -- although I still think he spells his name funny) and thus due to the misspelling I'm going to take away a few points. > off the south coast of Norway, the newspaper Verdens Gang DING DING DING! "Verdens Gang"! > reported Tuesday. > The animal, which had been circling around the swimmer, suddenly > stuck its penis between his leg and his bathing costume DING DING DING! "bathing costume"! (It's so hard to swim in this clown suit!) > before the man managed to free himself and escape back aboard > his nearby boat. > "At first I thought it was pushing me with its flipper but > dolphins don't have flippers beneath their bellies," the > unidentified swimmer explained. What, they're afaid of being sued if they print the name of the butt-head astronomer involved? > Another swimmer who witnessed the scene from the boat told the > newspaper he had to ward off similar advances from the dolphin a few > minutes earlier. > "He tried his luck with me but I was protected by my waterproof > suit," that swimmer said. What a wire service. First they misspel "gamboling" and now they misspell "rubber training pants". -- K. (Yes, Carl Sagan was also the victim of attempted rape by a gay dolphin. It's in his book "The Cosmic Connection".) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: This is the advertising idea that will make me millions. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 07:18:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm going to sell ads on stickers that go on the sides of digital cameras. My favorite part of the conversation proved by the use of such a camera in public is the way it begins -- "Is that a DIGITAL camera?" the guy asks, pointing to where it says DIGITAL CAMERA square computery letters on the front. The second question is usually either "Can you see PICTURES on that SCREEN?" or "How much does that cost? I want one. By the way, what does 'digital' mean?" Anyway, I figure that since these things are Guy Magnets, if there were a little sticker on the side of my camera that said "BUY FIRESTONE TIRES," sales of Firestone tires would go up by at least three people a week. -- K. And I've been waving my brand new laptop computer around everywhere and nobody has asked me about it. Hey, did I mention I have a brand new laptop computer? My camera saves pictures to floppy disks and my computer doesn't have a floppy drive. Waah! (It has SCSI, which is better because there's too much lame comedy about the phrase "floppy disk", but the word "SCSI" isn't silly at all.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This is the advertising idea that will make me millions. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 04:26:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "ras2" (removethis@gmx.net) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > One of my mostest favorite things -- or maybe it's one of my leastest > > favorite things -- is when I go to a restaurant and hear people talking > > about the 'net or Usenet or something. > > When I talk about Usenet, the response I get is usually "wuh?", > so I explain about servers and posts and newsreaders and killfiles > and NNTP and spam and cmsgs and after an hour or two of that, the > response I get is usually "oh, it's a chatroom!". I usually just say "It's a non-real-time, decentralized distributed conferencing system with hierarchical topics and multithreaded discussions, plus it's full of erotic naked pictures that come in faster than you can look at them." > Then I take a large brick and pound the person in the head with > it a few times (except that I was in a neo-natal ward (as a visitor, > mind you) the last time it happened, Thought-provoking question: How would YOU explain to a baby what we're doing right now? (I almost phrased that "How would YOU explain what we're doing to a baby right now?" but I figure some of you people are leaving babies alone.) > so I didn't do it because it would have disturbed the baby. THE INTERNET MAY DISTURB BABIES INTERACTIVE 3-D FILM AT ELEVEN > And when we got outside, the person got away before I could find a > suitable brick. It was a bad day). Please tell us about the unsuitable bricks. Were you near the wreckage of one of those old buildings made from Nerf? > > Nowadays everybody's workplace has e-mail, web browsers, and other > > quasi-Internetty things. > > And everybody is a web-designer. Then how come there are still Web sites that haven't been designed? I keep keying random www.nouns.com into my Web browser because I've already seen all the sites that are linked from other sites, and I keep finding these ones that say OUR WEB SITE IS COMING SOON, LAST REVISED JANUARY 1997, YOU ARE VISITOR # [00000000000000001]" so I think there must be a guy somewhere goofing off. > > The sight of a unix shell would give them brane > > tremors, but a nice plastic Netscape and Microsoft Word makes them feel > > all secure. > > I've been trying to come up with a joke involving secure shell > here, but I can't get it to work, so I don't think I'll reply > to that sentence. ssh! Sleeping baby! > > At one time, this post had a point, but it's lost forever now, and I > > give up. > > A point in hand is better than ten on the roof. And they should be made out of transparent white gold and play German lieder music all the time to encourage the college's students to design chairs that make it easier to do science, and we should dismantle the Moon to get materials for making Science Chairs, and I am eating Gummy SweetTarts because I am trying to figure out which of the three they are at the moment because that is the purpose of intelligent life, to synthesize the most gummy, sweetest, tartest candy, at which point the Universe will be replaced with Folger's Crystals. -- K. I think these Gummy SweetTarts have been vulcanized. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This is the advertising idea that will make me millions. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 04:14:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > One of my mostest favorite things -- or maybe it's one of my leastest > favorite things -- is when I go to a restaurant and hear people talking > about the 'net or Usenet or something. It used to be very rare, and you > could bet that everyone at the table you were eavesdropping on would be > male, 21-29 years old, white, and pasty. They'd also make fun of one > dinner guest's computer ("HAW HAW YOU HAVE A PENTIUM AND IT MAKES QUAKE > RUN .0000003 PARSECS SLOW!!") "600 megahertz... is that faster than 300 megahertz?" "Yeah, it's at least twice as fast. 300 megahertz is really slow." "How many kilobytes are in a megahertz?" "I don't know, but you can get some extra megahertz for free by joining AOL." [this conversation was fabricated, but you know that somewhere someone probably just had it.] > Nowadays everybody's workplace has e-mail, web browsers, and other > quasi-Internetty things. The sight of a unix shell would give them brane > tremors, but a nice plastic Netscape and Microsoft Word makes them feel > all secure. And they say stupid stuff. "Jen forwarded that joke about > the green golfball to me Thursday and it was several hundred lines long, > with a lot of gibberish and e-mail addresses at the beginning." "Oh, > that's just the computer code people put in e-mail before they send it." > At one time, this post had a point, but it's lost forever now, and I > give up. I think we were talking about how random people must talk to me about my digital camera before you came and tried to talk to me about something else. Oddly, using my laptop computer at the bus stop has only led to the computer equivalent of "IS THAT A DIGITAL CAMERA?" once, and it was today. Were you him? Anyhow, Stacia, if you like dumb conversations between people who wish to know stuff about computers and people who don't know anything about computers, just go to your local computer store and listen to the salespeople who work on commission. My favorite from this week: (salesman showing a guy the cheap inkjet printers) "This one's the only one that's REALLY photo-quality." I assume it was one of the ones that was "1200 dots per inch resolution quality" which means "600 dots per inch resolution". The word "quality" means "bad". It works like this: BUTTER COOKIES are probably good QUALITY BUTTER COOKIES are probably not good BUTTER QUALITY COOKIES are definitely not good HIGH QUALITY BUTTER FLAVOR COOKIES are highly not good HY-KWALITY BUTTER STYLE COOKIES are not even not good -- K. SHELLY BERMAN is an inspiration SHELLY WINTERS dry, ain't much ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Purity Test Stuff Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 08:35:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Michael "Jaffo" Duff (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > http://test.thespark.com/puritytest/ > > Jaffo is 66% pure. > > Last year, I think my score would have been 10 points higher. Last year, you would have only been about 12 years late in discovering the Purity Test. The first application of the Internet was for people to ask "WHERE CAN I GET THE X,000-QUESTION PURITY TEST?" where X is a number between 1 and 5 depending on the year. It was the Green Golfball Joke or Nude Counselor Troi Pictures of its day. I saw my first copy around '86 or '87. There is no truth to the rumors that Kibologists with clipboards accost pedestrians and offer them a Free Purity Test. We just accost them. -- K. -> I think the Net is like a vast sea of swiss cheese slices floating in -> crankcase oil. Here and there, little organisms are surfing on the -> swiss cheese, but occasionally one will dive off and frantically swim to -> reach a VT220 before drowning. However, occasionally a flame-breathing -> dragon will attack one of the little organisms, and if the dragon -> mentions the 15,000 question Purity Test and the flame touches the sea -> of crankcase oil, the whole thing turns into a fiery inferno of doom! -- Kibo, May 1993 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Purity Test Stuff Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 04:33:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Last year, you would have only been about 12 years late in discovering > > the Purity Test. The first application of the Internet was for people > > to ask "WHERE CAN I GET THE X,000-QUESTION PURITY TEST?" where X is > > a number between 1 and 5 depending on the year. > > > > I saw my first copy around '86 or '87. > > I'm ahead of Kibo! I'm ahead of Kibo! > I saw my first copy in 1981, in Oklahoma, printed on real greenbar > printer paper! Needless to say, you got the job at NASA. That must have been back when The One And Only Official Purity Test only had 5 questions. When I encountered it, in '86/'87, there were 100-question and 500-questions floating around (I think). It was ACM.:PURITY in case anyone has a 9-track dump tape of RPI's MTS lying around in their basement. You'd need to convert it to ASCII 'cause this was after they added lowercase but before they put the alphabet in sequential order. > -> I think the Net is like a vast sea of swiss cheese slices floating in > -> crankcase oil. Here and there, little organisms are surfing on the > -> swiss cheese, but occasionally one will dive off and frantically swim to > -> reach a VT220 before drowning. However, occasionally a flame-breathing > -> dragon will attack one of the little organisms, and if the dragon > -> mentions the 15,000 question Purity Test and the flame touches the sea > -> of crankcase oil, the whole thing turns into a fiery inferno of doom! > > -- Kibo, May 1993 > > And when the clouds of firery doom lift, there amidest the ruins of > mankind's hopes, lies a single perfectly formed Mentos. > > In the shape of a giant H. > > In bed. > > With a spider. > > And a Atheist. > > With a gun. What? You've forgotten about the fake nude picture of Sheryl Crow? By the way, who was Sheryl Crow? -- K. I could end the whole Internet right now by just telling you people to say "BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE" a lot, but that would be wrong. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Earthquake Preparedness Kit Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 04:53:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > B Chas Parisher (bang@netcom.com) wrote: > > > > > > Um. Not to be picky or anything, but why are you storing earthquake > > > preparedness kits in the -basement-? After the big one comes, won't > > > all of your emergency stuff be under tons of rubble? > > > > This is EXACTLY why I've been saying for years that everyone should > > keep a Zeppelin tethered to their house. You can store all your stuff, > > and no crummy earthquake would ever touch it. > > > > Of course, in Missouri we have to keep our Zeppelins in the basement, > > on account of all the tornados. > > I hear they have zeppelins now that will fit inside your average > iPurse!! The new Fold-A-Zeppelin will inflate automatically at the > first sign of rubble! > And come on .. who hasn't dreamed of being inside a zeppelin that is > inside a tornado? Be honest, now! I've dreamed of having a zeppelin with a tornado inside it, and going around in the tornado would be a tiny boat with the Ty-D-Bol man in it, and sitting on his shoulder would be a tiny parror with an eyepatch, and on the parrot's head would be standing the Jolly Green Giant, only not his normal size, TWICE NORMAL SIZE! Also, the zeppelin would give me candy because it would be a pezzelin. -- K. And Cherry Pez wouldn't be imaginary. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Earthquake Preparedness Kit Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 00:23:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Proc" (procstar@home.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > I hear they have zeppelins now that will fit inside your average > > iPurse!! The new Fold-A-Zeppelin will inflate automatically at the > > first sign of rubble! > > ITYM "iZeppelin" > Mine is peach coloured. With a delicious hydrogen centre. I don't think she meant "iZeppelin". She's talking about one that can inflate. That's a _feature_. An iZeppelin wouldn't have any annoying features to confuse you. It would arrive pre-assembled, pre-inflated, and it wouldn't have an engine cover that you could open. In fact, when it ran out of hydrogen, you'd just have to throw it out and buy a new one. The iZeppelin would have no controls, to keep you from being able to crash it. In fact, the only thing you could do with the iZeppelin would be to choose which fruit color you wanted (peach, blue raspberry, coconut, juniper berry, or durian) and then only before you signed the lease to pay Microsoft $39 per month for three years to get your *F*R*E*E* iZeppelin. Also, the iZeppelin would be all rounded, like a blimp. You want one with corners. Corners mean powerful. 1994: +----+ | | | | | | | | +--------------+ | | | | | | | | +----+ +--------------+ POWERFUL WACKY FUN COMPUTER COMPUTER FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY 1999: __ +----+ /__\ <-- carrying handle | | / \ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | +----+ \____/ POWERFUL WACKY FUN COMPUTER COMPUTER FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY If this trend continues, in the year 2005 the powerful computers will be shaped like the Great Stellated Dodecahedron, while the wacky fun computers for the whole post-nuclear family will be spherical. Sort of like if you put an iMac in a rock tumbler for about a month. Although all computers are now the same size and weight, they leave the carrying handles off the ones that are supposed to be Corporate Enterprise Mission Critical Prime Directive Compliant Super-Servers because handles say "FUN! THIS COMPUTER IS DESIGNED FOR THROWING!" and we can't have that in a corporate environment. Because I think everyone agrees it would be fun if you could throw your computer at your boss. Anyway, now that the iZeppelin and Fold-A-Zeppelin have served as a means of pointing out (for the 3856th time) that all computers are basically the same except for the thick layer of marketing on the outside, now we can get back to the real issue: If you can make anything you need out of hemp, why do we need Linux? -- K. If Apple ever wants to be respected again, they should start putting eject buttons on the computers that don't have floppy drives, because eject buttons signify power, and nobody needs a floppy drive. I mean, PC vendors made lots of computers with "turbo" buttons that weren't hooked up, so surely Apple could put a few useless buttons on the iMac just so that people would have something to play with while waiting for the fire department to come put out the invisible hydrogen flame. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Earthquake Preparedness Kit Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 04:03:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If Apple ever wants to be respected again, they should start putting > > eject buttons on the computers that don't have floppy drives, because > > eject buttons signify power, and nobody needs a floppy drive. I mean, > > PC vendors made lots of computers with "turbo" buttons that weren't hooked > > up, so surely Apple could put a few useless buttons on the iMac just > > so that people would have something to play with [...] > > I assume you mean an eject button, for the general self-catapultage at > the first sign of danger, and not a dumb ol' disk ejector. It would be a button which ejects the computer. And then the blank space on your desk would start flashing "PLEASE INSERT ANOTHER COMPUTER". Of course, for this to work, you'd need one of those superintelligent desks that can tell you how to use your computer. You couldn't just use the desk, because even if the desk had an I.Q. of 300, it would still be JUST A DESK, NOT A COMPUTER, and thus would not be as frightening as a real computer. It would be SEVERAL TIMES SMARTER than a regular desk! > I think it would be really fun to throw a bunch of iMacs off the top > of the Hancock tower. I don't have any dislike for the machines or > anything. I just think it would be a good time. "Never program a computer you can lift." -- Barry Shein "Never buy a computer without comparison-shopping to see which one shatters the prettiest." -- Kibo I think that for completeness we should get one of the translucent bile green iMacs and throw it off the translucent bile green Hancock Tower, then throw one of the translucent pink iMacs off any pink building in Little Cuba, and then throw a translucent purple iMac off that ugly purple house with orange shutters that every neighborhood has. There's some obscure zoning law that requires one and only one house in your neighborhood to be painted with the two worst-selling colors of paint from Sears. -- K. I still want to know why, if black is the super-cool power color for computers and stereos and cars and suits, why nobody has a shiny black house. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Earthquake Preparedness Kit Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 03:37:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I still want to know why, if black is the super-cool power color > > for computers and stereos and cars and suits, why nobody has a > > shiny black house. > > Aiieee! You're making me relate an Urban Legend! > Mom and dad once told me that, in Germany, some guy was steamin' mad > at the local ordinances which demanded everyone have a nicely-painted > house, so he used Deep Dark Dank Gloss Hell-Black, and made everyone > steamin' mad again. The enb! But in Germany everything's glossy black, especially the underwear. Which is why you never see the electrical linemen in Germany wearing gloves, because they're protected from electrocution by their glossy black underwear, and then they sell it on that Web page that Pope Emperor Frogman made us look at yesterday. -- K. I'm getting *this* close to being able to work the word "gummikrankenschwester" into this conversation but I'd prefer to wait until the Pope is around. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Kibological question of the day. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 04:55:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Yesterday on the train two young women were discussing movies. Woman #2 said, "I don't go to movies... I don't like movies. I wish I did, but I don't." QUESTION: What is there that you don't like but you would like to like? -- K. IS THERE ANYONE ELSE HERE WHO WISHES THEY WERE ABLE TO APPRECIATE THE SUBTLE BEAUTY OF RAP MUSIC EVEN THOUGH THEY HATE IT? WHAT ABOUT CHEESE? AND WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH AIRLINE PEANUTS? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological question of the day. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 06:56:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Bob Flaminio (bob@flaminio.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > QUESTION: > > > > What is there that you don't like but you would like to like? > > I have a follow-up question: > > What is there that you *do* like but you would like to *not* like? Does it count that I used to like "Star Trek" _way_ too much and now I wish I cared then as little about it as I do now? > For me, it's > > * Raw hamburger meat Not to be confused with raw hamburger leaves. Hmm, I should buy some of those "beef leaves" from Yoshinoya for the alt.religion.kibology party. I figure they must be nice and poisonous because they make my tongue tingle. > * The shows on Fox that show cars crashing into other cars I prefer the ones that have cars crashing into themselves. > * Magic: The Gathering Just keep reminding yourself "It's 'Dungeons & Dragons' in convenient 'Go Fish' form! It's a card game that requires you to buy REFILLS!" > * The "fish roundabout" at the Steinhart Aquarium in San Francisco > > and of course... > > * Usenet "fish roundabout"! Wow. Here in Boston, the New England Aquarium only has a fish rotary. Today over dinner I was talking to Matt and Sam, and Matt was apologizing to use for the fact that he ordered shrimp, because he assumed that because neither Sam nor I like fish very much that we were in danger of vomiting from having to actually look at a few stupid shrimp. I pointed out to him that I like certain kinds of fish, namely the ones that go into fish sticks and fish cakes and other grinders, but he said he didn't like those kinds of dish because they didn't have much flavor. So I assume Matt doesn't like potatoes or bread or rice or noodles or Pixy Sticks. Anyhow, I listed the kinds of fish I like: flounder (aka sole), cod, scrod, but not haddock. He then proceeded to make fun of me for liking cod and scrod but not haddock, claiming that "scrod" is just a made-up word meaning "it might be cod or it might be haddock depending on which is cheaper." I still assume I have the correct personal preference because I got lucky and every time I had scrod I think it was made from cod. But the idea of this made-up "scrod" fish being "cod and/or haddock, depending on market value" bothers me. For instance, if I were making TV dinners, and I wanted to substitute pork for the beef in the Salisbury Pucks, could I say they were made from "bork", a magical substance that is either beef or pork, depending on which is cheaper, which is always pork? What it all boils down to is that I don't like broiled swordfish because it tastes like fish (and smells vile) but I like fish cakes because they taste just like the mashed potatoes they're made from. Matt only likes the kind of fish that has lots of fishy flavor, so I'll wager he likes canned cat food. And that green poo inside lobsters. -- K. Also he's the guy who bought a new computer because the eight-dollar battery in his old one died. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological question of the day. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 21:22:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Darla (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What is there that you don't like but you would like to like? > > Coffee. Grape Nuts. Organized religion. Oh, I wish I wanted to like organized religion. But I wouldn't like to like to like organized religion. I wish I didn't want to not have said that. -- K. How could you not like grape nuts? I mean, after seeing Mr. Rogers make them from grapes and Brazil nuts... and then he made peanut butter so he could make a sand witch... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: sometimes the subjects are the whole thing. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 05:51:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor There are some groups I read just because the Subject: headers are a breath of fresh air. rec.food.veg is one of them. Today: Subject: vermiculture question Subject: can't give up chicken Subject: 'reduced cruelty' rice Subject: Suing crazy food products mfgrs. for "natural flavors" Subject: frozen shredded cheese? Subject: factory farming By Robert F.Kennedy Jr. Subject: Need Help With Tofu Subject: Leather*Recycle*Vegs Subject: freezing bananas? Subject: WHAT IN THE WORLD IS A ZEP????? -- K. I suspect the entire content of "vermiculture question" was, "WHY?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: my yearly typography rant Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 21:18:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Rev'd PtR" (peter_willard@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Francesco Benvenuto (fbenv@iol.it) wrote: > > > > "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > > > > > "AFFA MU" wrote: > > > > > > > > But who notices this stuff anyway? I just look at the > > > > words. Not the letters. You people are weird. > > > > > > Print out a page full of text in Copperplate Gothic Bold, > > > 11pt, and then read it. > > > > > > If your eyes don't hurt, THEN you can try to say that you > > > don't notice fonts. > > > > Reading should be hard because hard things are more rewarding. > > IF IT WAS HARD TO WRITE, IT SHOULD BE HARD TO READ!!!! This explains why people keep buying those novels cranked out by Stephen King. "Whoops, my socks just fell down, and while pulling them up, I accidentally wrote a sequel to 'Gerald's Game'!" I note that big mass-market novels by people like Stephen King are occasionally available with your choice of two different cover colors (the same cover, just with a red background or a black background.) A publisher once told me that every time someone tries that, the two covers sell sequally well. Well, DUH, of course they do, because they ship crates containing 50% red ones and 50% black ones to the bookstore, and they only do this with Stephen King and other authors whose books are guaranteed to sell out no matter how bad they are (e.g. Crichton.) I think what they should do is, instead of doing this with just popular books, they should also do it with unpopular books, so that we can see if the purple version of Dan Quayle's book outsells the lime green one. And then, they should give you not just a choice of two colors, but they should give you a choice of two typefaces: Would you rather read Dan Quayle's words in English Monotype Bembo, or in Calypso? -- K. It's a shame they never made Calypso in ten-point size. Also, someone should design a lowercase for it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Tags Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 21:28:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > "bruce.heidi" (bruce.heidi@mail.tele.dk) wrote: > > > > Why is it illegal to tear off tags from mattresses and pillows? > > Yeah, and why do mattresses come in boxes of 20 while mattress pads > only come in boxes of 36? And stewardesses who have cats always give you the tiny little pillow filled with peanuts, but stewardesses who own black dogs drive like this and now I'm going to show you some WACKY PROPS! (Here I hold up a television set and take a bite out of it.) LOOK!!! A TV DINNER!!! And now, here's the part where I have an accomplice pretend to heckle me so I can shoot him with my cap gun. Will someone please heckle me? (sound of crickets) Hello? Anyone want to heckle me? WAAH! STOP NOT HECKLING ME!!! -- K. I left out the part where I sing the pornographic version of the "Gilligan's Island" song. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Tags Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 21:54:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "bruce.heidi" (bruce.heidi@mail.tele.dk) wrote: > > Why is it illegal to tear off tags from mattresses and pillows? It's not always illegal -- if you remove a tag, no jury in the world would convict you. Unless, of course, it was one of those WebTV tags. -- K. That would be the worst episode of Judge Wapner's show ever. (I've always wanted to sit in on a court case where they try to explain something like assembly-language computer programming to a jury of retired normal people.) ((Except I was already on a jury for one about the stolen Dectape prototype and the defective HexBus module boards, and it darn near ruined my life for a month, but at least I learned the right and wrong ways to bribe people.)) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Would we know? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 22:04:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "David/FortyTwo" (david@fortytwo.com) wrote: > > In alt.sci.time-travel, Kevin Alderman (Kevanna@webtv.net) wrote: > > > > Time travel or "recording missions" are to be discontinued (by > > resolution), May 14th, 2109. The Special Envoy Group was disbanded in > > early 2108; efforts have cumulatively suggested that human chronology is > > a constant as is our ability to observe it. I am a volunteer "plant" > > (and the brunt of academia jokes: "which came first, the plant or the > > seed?"). I will be retrieved on January 31st 2000. I have been allowed > > wide parameters; this has been one of my longest and most enjoyable > > recordings thus far. > > True knowledge has benefited from the HDC program. I am grateful to > > have been a part of it. > > Why are time travellers from the twenty-second century using WebTV(tm)s? Well, the Year 2100 problem destroyed all computers... and as we all know (according to the commercials) the WebTV *IS* *NOT* *A* *COMPUTER*! Unfortunately, by 2109, the WebTV will be a giant evil robot that will step on people and laugh. The only substance strong enough to withstand the crushing force of its giant neutronium-encased waffle-stomper feet is ten meters of solid diamond. So you'll only be able to leave the house after growing a 20-meter-wide diamond crystal around your body, every time you want to go to McDonalds. But you probably won't want to, because in the future, McDonalds and WebTV will be the same company. Except at McDonalds the giant evil robots will have sesame seeds stuck to them. -- K. A WebTV'er, "the brunt of academia jokes"? Well, I suppose if academicians COULD joke, they'd make fun of WebTV users' bad-sci-fi fantasies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Problem As I See It... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 23:40:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > is that most people are really, really annoying. And the rest of us aren't annoying enough! -- K. And the only ones at just the right level of annoyingness to be fun to be around are roller-skating chimps on TV! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Near Death Experience Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 19 Aug 1999 23:51:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Several exciting things happened to me today. First, I travelled at > death-defying speeds to Topeka, where I purchased pants. You purchased PANTS? That does it, you're out of the clique! Nobody here on alt.religion.kibology wears pants! Oh, wait, you're a girl. Then it's okay. WE LIKE GIRLS! Now can I touch your legs? > They're decidedly non-Kibological, but I find that the Manhattan School > District doesn't appreciate my particular religion. HOW THE MANHATTAN SCHOOL DISTRICT GOT CONTROL OF YOUR PANTS, I'LL NEVER KNOW! > However, saying that I am not only religious, but also devout, has it's > benefits. > Being devout is what caused my second near-death incident. I'd > purchased a disposable camera to take pictures of cones with, and on the > way to Topeka, saw a lovely site with several orange-and-white barrels. > Stopping there on the way back, I found an excellent specimen that I knew > Leader Kibo would be proud of. So I pulled over on the side of the road > and got out, snapped the pic, and went back. My car locked its door > COMPLETELY OF ITS OWN ACCORD Oh, so it's a Honda. > and so I stood, on the shoulder of I-70, fumlbing with keys as > crazy people drove past me at 80 MPH. If they were sane they would have stopped and offered to help you take disposable photos of the orange plastic things. THIS IS PROOF THAT THE WORLD IS INSANE AND FILLE WITH ORANGE THINGS! > I was very nearly killed. There were no survivors, except for everybody > involved. Well, if by chance someday you DO get killed, please write something about it so that we can find out what it's like. Especially if you get killed by jumping off the Empire State Building, because we might want to do that too. -- K. A clique is only a good clique to be in if the answer to "If they jumped off the Empire State Building..." is "Hell, yeah!" It's a good thing they built the Empire State Building because before then there was nothing that kids could hurt themselves jumping off and so no kids ever learned lessons about how they shouldn't jump off the things which couldn't hurt them anyway. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Quake2 Soilder vs. Doom zombie Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 00:00:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Who is cooler? Quake 2 soldiers or Doom zombies? Regular Quake has Death Knights which are a million times cooler than anything else in any game, ever, except maybe some of the Skaarj in Unreal, and Bob's hair on "ReBoot". When I grow up, I want to be a Death Knight. And I want the #9 gun from Dark Forces (the one that makes everything everywhere near you burst into blue flame instantaneously) and that gun from Unreal which shoots glowing green globs of nuclear waste at things, where it sticks to them and then explodes after you run away. And you can read by its healthy glow. Also, I want to find the polygon that, when stepped on, makes California fall into the ocean, like in Duke Nukem 3D. Quake 2 just has lame soldiers in motorcycle helmets, with a rectangular gun where their right hand should be. HO-(lame)-HUM. -- K. And Doom, well, DOOM IS MOOD SPELLED BACKWARDS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Quake2 Soilder vs. Doom zombie Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 04:59:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "Quake"] > > > > When I grow up, I want to be a Death Knight. > > I can see it now: > ~~Wavy lines~~ > > Other Death Knight: ::leans head into Kibo's room:: Come on Kibo, we've got to > destroy some invading marines! > Kibo: What's the use? They're just going to find those power boosts we keep > losing and frag us. Besides, I'm posting a reply to a Usenet message about > kitty-kats. > ODK: Kittys? They're tasty. > Kibo: Sure are. > ODK: >dies from missile< No, no, no. You're obviously unfamiliar with anything in Quake that shows up after Level 1. Let me write an ACCURATE PORTRAYAL of "The Odd Death Knight Couple": Other Death Knight: RARR!!! Kibo: (heavy breathing) Other Death Knight: RARR!!! AHRRRR!!! Kibo: URR!!! (shoots fireballs leaving V-shaped particle-system trails in five different directions, making a large pentagram of flaming death around him) Other Death Knight: (runs directly into path of fireballs, then decides to hold perfectly still while breathing heavily until a fireball hits him) WUH!!! (dies) Kibo: RARR!!! (stands there breathing heavily) The "artificial intelligence" in these games ain't all it's cracked up to be. Like, in Quake II, the big innovation is that while the monsters are standing in front of you while you're shooting at them, they'll CROUCH, so that you have to aim the gun downwards slightly because now they run directly in front of you and curl up into a ball and stay there until you decide to stop shooting at them, or they die, whichever comes first. At least the Skaarj in Unreal do a nice Shatner-style shoulder-roll to either side when you try to missile 'em. -- K. And then there are the spaceships in Descent (it's like Quake only with spaceships flying around indoors) which back up until you can't see them, because if you can't see them, then they can't see you! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Collector pays $88,000 for big Japanese bug Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 00:50:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > TOKYO, Aug 19 (AFP) - Stag beetle mania in Japan has crawled to > new heights, experts said Thursday, after one avid collector paid 10 > million yen (88,000 dollars) for a big bug. Wow! That must be one heck of a bug, it's four hundred times as expensive as Windows 2000! > The collector, a Japanese corporate chief whose name was kept > secret, paid the money because the male giant stag beetle was > unusually long -- 80 millimeters (3.2 inches) to be exact. Or 6.8 inches after being squished by a human of average weight, plus 1.3 inches for each 50 pounds above 200 pounds, plus 2.1 inches for each rung of the ladder the guy jumped off of. (I don't weigh a lot so I always carry a stepladder with me in case I see a bug I want to crush.) > "He is what we call a beetle maniac," said a clerk at the Tokyo > shop that sold it, New! On Fox! From Saban! Hyper-Intensive Robotic Lego Beetlemaniacs! IT'S LIKE BEETLEJUICE PLUS ANIMANIACS PLUS BEETLEBORGS PLUS OTHER CRAP!!! > adding the buyer had waited two years for the prize insect -- > which he now intended to kill. EXPENSIVE BUG, YOU GO SQUISH NOW!!! > "The beetle will be killed as the customer only bought it to > make a specimen," the clerk at the "Waku-Waku Land" or "Thrill Land" > pet shop told AFP. Today's Japanese vocabulary lesson: "waku" = "thr" "waku" = "ill" "land" = "land" So be careful not to drink the American water or you'll get waku and wakuow up in wakuinois. > Beetles have been kept for centuries in Japan. BUT ONLY IF YOU KEEP THE SCREEN DOOR CLOSED!!! > They are now so popular that some are sold in vending machines Oh, that happens in New York City too. Buy a can of Coke, get a free roach. > and large department stores, most for the equivalent of only a few > dollars, as easy-to-maintain pets. EASY TO MAINTAIN, AND EASY TO KILL! > Sky-high prices only emerged in the height of the bubble economy EASY TO POP! > of the 1980s, experts say, but have gradually fallen since those > heady days. The 88,000-dollar beetle, however, is an exception. > "An 80 millimeter, purely native stag beetle, is truly a dream > for collectors," said Tadaharu Matsumura, a beetle breeder at the > private Mutsumi Insect Kingdom. It's so much better than those government-run Insect Kingdoms. > "To outsiders it may look crazy to pay such a price for a beetle > but it is no surprise to me. Even if the price seems outrageous, the > value is incalculable if many people want it." The value is also incalculable if NOBODY offers any money for it, you bozo! > Size is what counts. > "In this case, it happened to be sold for 10 million yen. If an > 81-millimeter beetle comes out next time, it might possibly fetch 20 > million yen (176,000 dollars)," Matsumura said. Yeah, it's too bad he couldn't just keep the beetle in a shoe box for a week until it was a millimeter longer. It's not like they're EASY TO MAINTAIN! > "There is no doubt that this breeder had to have incredible > knowledge of breeding stag beetles. Because he didn't like sex with people. > You can only breed an 80-millimeter beetle when various conditions meet, > such as temperature and food." GIANT BEETLES SIGHTED AT INTERSECTION OF TEMPERATURE AND FOOD > The Japanese giant stag beetle, or kuwagata in Japanese and > dorcus hopei in Latin, Not to be confused with the rare porkus forkus dorkus glorkus, which is a pot-bellied pig with a teflon coating for easy cleaning. > normally grows to about 50 millimeters (two inches), experts say. > Special breeding and a good fungal diet a... good... fungal... diet... ERROR... ERROR... MY HEAD MUST EXPLODE... > are required to improve on that. > The market price for a 70-millimeter stag beetle was > 300,000-to-400,000 yen (2,600-to-3,500 dollars) about eight years > ago. "But it plunged last year after breeders found a quick, easy > way to breed big beetles," the expert said. And the the world's economy was destroyed because General Electric found a way to make synthetic bugs under high pressure, and bugs became too cheap to meter! > "You can fatten beetles in a short period by feeding mushroom > fungus placed on a breeding mat. If you drop a larva in the bottle, > it will grow into a fat stag beetle without any care needed," he > said. And then you have a beetle in a bottle, which is like a bee in a balloon except Dr. Seuss stole it from me before I could post this. > Now a 70-millimeter beetle sells for just 12,000 yen (107 > dollars), with the price roughly doubling for each extra millimeter > (0.04 inches) above that length. This is why a Volkswagen now sells for approximately two googleplexes. > The habitat for stag beetles is diminishing in Japan, however. > "A number of beetles can be still found in some places but the > area is getting smaller as trees are being cut down for > development," said a researcher at Japan's National Science Museum. > "The same goes for stag beetles," he added. STAG BEETLES ARE BEING CUT DOWN FOR DEVELOPMENT!!! > Other countries such as Britain, Germany and Switzerland have > moved to protect their diminishing stag beetle populations from a > lucrative international trade in the bugs. > The insects are traded heavily on the internet, except they make your computer explode on January 1, 2000. > where enthusiasts can visit sites showing prices, a few seconds of > moving stag beetle video, AND THE COST DOUBLES FOR EACH ADDITIONAL SECOND!!! > or even join a beetle discussion group. > "Spending my bonus for stag beetles, aggravating my wife, I am > becoming a stag beetle fool," one unidentified Japanese collector > wrote on his Internet home page. That's what he gets for buying a woman who isn't a giant bug. > TOKYO, JAPAN, 16-JUL-1999: (FILES): This July 16 1999 file photo > shows a pair of stag beetles -- a 77 mm-male (L) and a 51 mm-female > (R) -- displayed at a Tokyo insect shop. An avid beetle collector in > Japan paid 10 million yen (88,000 dollars) for an 80 millimetre (3.2 > inch) long beetle August 19 1999. According to a clerk at the Waku > Waku Land pet shop, the buyer waited two years to purchase the bug > which he now intends to kill. Oh, sure, he'll accidentally overfeed it and then he'll say "I *MEANT* to kill it." so as not to lose face among his peer group of rich Japanese men who like to kill expensive things. -- K. I'm over 80 millimeters long. I'll let him step on me for only NINE million dollars. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Collector pays $88,000 for big Japanese bug Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 00:59:33 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'd just like to add a new thought to this breaking news story: > TOKYO, Aug 19 (AFP) - Stag beetle mania in Japan has crawled to > new heights, experts said Thursday, after one avid collector paid 10 > million yen (88,000 dollars) for a big bug. > [...] > "He is what we call a beetle maniac," said a clerk at the Tokyo shop > that sold it, adding the buyer had waited two years for the prize insect -- > which he now intended to kill. > "The beetle will be killed as the customer only bought it to > make a specimen," the clerk at the "Waku-Waku Land" or "Thrill Land" > pet shop told AFP. I just found a pet store selling those rare wrinkly puppies. They're so unusual that I'm going to have to buy one and kill it. After all, the more interesting a pet is, the more important it is to not suffer it to live more than an hour after you bring it home. I mean, who would be impressed if I had a LIVE pet? -- K. Also, how does "STORE THAT SELLS OVERPRICED BUGS" equal "THRILL LAND"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bob Hope offered me a job Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 05:09:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@unity.unity.edu) wrote: > > I'm moving up in the world! As the topic says, today Bob Hope offered me > a job as a janitor/maintenence person at (nationally ranked environemntal > college) for $6.20 an hour. Cool! Maybe you could work your way up to potwasher and then King Of Science! > As I prefer not to clean the puke of drunken college students, LAWYER: Can you describe the person you saw? WITNESS: I don't know... um... they had a face. LAWYER (sarcastic): Oh, like that narrows it down. JUDGE: I will not tolerate sarcasm in this courtroom! LAWYER: Sorry, your honor. Will the witness please try to remember... WITNESS: Oh, now I remember! They said they preferred not to clean up the puke of drunken college students! JUDGE (sarcastic): Oh, like that narrows it down. [WE WILL RETURN TO "GENERIC COURTROOM DRAMA" AFTER THESE GENERIC COMMERCIALS.] SPOKESPERSON: Buy this! It's good! Don't buy the other one! It's bad! PENNY MARSHALL: Hey, look, Rosie, it's Bob Hope! ROSIE O'DONNELL: Wow, Bob Hope is here in K-Mart! In person! BOB HOPE (on videotape): Guh... luh... fnuh... clean up puke... > I'll be foregoing this job (and disappointing Bob Hope) and instead > getting a job as a doorstop from midnight to 6 AM on weekends for > (internationally known paper company) Weekly World News? > which will pay me very nearly the same amount for half the hours. > So sorry, Bob Hope. See you around, maybe... I gather that you took the job of doorstop at the paper factory because the job as paperweight at the door factor was taken. -- K. I hope you don't have to be within five miles of the paper-making progress itself. It smells like puke plus Bob Hope, only worse. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bob Hope offered me a job Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 04:38:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@unity.unity.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I gather that you took the job of doorstop at the paper factory > > because the job as paperweight at the door factor was taken. > > > > I hope you don't have to be within five miles of the > > paper-making progress itself. It smells like puke plus > > Bob Hope, only worse. > > But that's the brilliant part - this particular paper mill has been > closed for something like 2 years, and I went out there today - it's not > stinky any more... so basically I end up getting paid to sit there and > make sure hoodlums don't jump over the fence or something and steal paper > machines weighing in excess of 4 tons. And I'll be making enough money to > get an iPurse or something so I can tap the phone line and dial into my > ISP so I can look at kinky furniture pr0n on the job - cuz it's midnight > to 6 AM. Tadaaa! Oh boy. So instead of: Lots42: "I had the dumbest customer at Blockbuster today..." ...we'll get: Shiro: "It's now 3:45 A.M. There still haven't been any burglars. More in five minutes." (Wasn't this an episode of "The Simpsons"? "First, it started to fall over... THEN IT FELL OVER!") -- K. Besides, you can look at porn all day at ANY job! Except if you're a bus driver. Then you just have to talk about it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: THAINT PETER, YOU THAVAGE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 20 Aug 1999 05:14:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > They have a gay monastary. > > I'm not making this up. > > http://home.earthlink.net/~rackley/pages/startingamonastery.html Okay, a little while ago, you posted about that page of used rubber goods, and now you're visiting a gay monastery. And from your name I can infer that you're wearing both a wetsuit and a Pope hat. Why do I get the feeling that jokes about your sex life are about to become a major theme of alt.religion.kibology for the next few months? -- K. Not that I'd belittle your sexual preferences, no matter how abnormal they are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: THAINT PETER, YOU THAVAGE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 06:43:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Pope Emperor FrogMaN" (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > Edward A Lowther (eal34@aloha.cc.columbia.edu) wrote: > > > > Dude, they're not Papists. > > > > If you'd READ the SITE, you'd see that they're BUDDISTS! > > I did read the site. Gay Buddhists aren't funny. Gay Papists are. > There is a heck of a lot of comedy in gay monks. However, there is no > comedy in Gay Buddhist monks. Unless they called themselves "Lance" > or "Rocco." Then there would be comedy. Lots. I really mean it. Let's draw straws to see who has to ask them exactly what their vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience are. I mean, exactly how does the vow of chastity differ from that of regular monks? And how do you tell if a monk is gay? DON'T ANSWER THAT. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. -- K. I am really glad I didn't post the photos of myself in the monk's robe on the train tracks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ABC's `Millionaire' Quiz Show Goofs Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 04:51:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "AP / SUE PRICE WILSON" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote: > > *Association Press Writer > RALEIGH, N.C. (AP) -- A graduate student got the $64,000 question > right, but a game show called it wrong. Then they got the name of the Associated Press wrong. > Now ABC's new quiz show is making up for its prime-time goof by > giving David Honea another shot at becoming a millionaire. > Honea, a 31-year-old doctoral student in computer engineering > from Raleigh, had won $32,000 on the new show, ``Who Wants to Be a > Millionaire.'' But his bid for $1 million, taped Wednesday and > broadcast Thursday night, ended with a question asking which of the > five Great Lakes is the second largest in area after Lake Superior. > A correct answer would have given him $64,000 and put him only > four questions away from the big prize. Honea said Lake Huron. The > show said Lake Michigan. > Honea accepted the results from show host Regis Philbin, but > decided later to voice his doubts. ``A couple of other contestants > said, `You've got to talk to them because you were right,''' Honea > said Friday. > After several hours of fact-checking, WORLD'S SLOWEST ENCYCLOPEDIA PAGE-TURNING!!! > the show's executive producer, Michael Davies, returned with the news: > Honea was correct and the show was wrong. You gotta wonder how the question got written in the first place. I mean, usually they look in the encyclopedia BEFORE asking it. Anyone else remember the days when they always said "Answers to the questions have been verified by Encyclopaedia Britannica!" before it became illegal to own an encyclopedia in the United States? > ``He said, `You don't have to worry. I can tell you right now > you've won $64,000 and you are going to get a chance to win from > here,''' Honea said. > ``I felt awful,'' Davies told The New York Times. He said the > confusion stemmed from the fact that Lake Michigan is > second-largest in volume but Lake Huron is second-largest in > surface area. Oh, yeah, whenever you ask anyone which lake is the largest they immediately think of the VOLUME. And it's not like the question specified which they meant: > [...] ended with a question asking which of the > five Great Lakes is the second largest in area after Lake Superior. I think it would have been funnier if the right answer had been Lake Superior. > ``Every game show makes mistakes,'' he said. That's why they should never have the death penalty for GOING OVER on The Price Is Right! > [...] > The show was intended to evoke the old quiz shows that > enthralled the nation in the 1950s until some were found to be > rigged. BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF OBVIOUSNESS!!!! MAULING REGIS PHILBIN!!! -- K. ...in The Other Universe, gambling games of skill are overseen by REGIS FIZZBIN! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ABC's `Millionaire' Quiz Show Goofs Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 06:39:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Darla" (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > [re "The Price is Right"] > > Plinko! I really really want to climb that little ladder in the back and > drop Plinko! chips down that board. I *know* I can win the fifty grand--- > I do! You have to start dropping Plinko! chips in the second row from the > left to be certain of getting into the ten thousand dollar slot five times > in a row. It's simple and fun. Plinko! If it's actually fair (which on "The Price Is Right" is a doubtful assumption) the optimal strategy is to release them all directly above the spot with the value you're shooting for (it's a Galton board.) Of course, you could work out the exact dollar amount expected from each position by drawing a Pascal triangle... unless the board is so narrow that a chip released above the $10,000 has a chance of hitting the sides. But you could still do the math easily enough. 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 2 1 1 2 1 1 3 3 1 very 1 3 3 1 1 4 6 4 1 or, with narrow walls: 5 6 5 1 5 10 10 5 1 ^ 1 11 11 1 1 6 15 20 15 6 1 13 22 13 etc. etc. So on the left, there's a 20/64 chance of hitting the slot directly below you, 15/64 for each slot next to it, and so on. On the right, with the really narrow board, there's a 22/48 chance of the middle. You'd have to multiply by the dollar amounts to make sure that the chances of hitting a $0 don't cancel out the good chance that it goes straight down. In other words, because the two $0 spots are on either side of the $10000 spot, your chances of hitting $0 are also greatest when hitting $10000 is greatest, but I doubt you'd do better dropping it above the low-value spaces to minimize the possibility of hitting $0. Because I don't know the size and layout of the board offhand, I can't calculate the expected returns. But I think we can assume that the optimal strategy is to pretend the puck will drop straight down on average. If I did that right, which I think I did. If I didn't, you people will never let me hear the end of it. So let me say in advance, IF I GOT ANY OF THIS STUFF WRONG, THEN I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU, LALALALALALALALALALA!!! Most of the games on "The Price is Right" have odds that are easy to calculate (assuming, of course, that the players guess randomly as to the multiple-choice prices!) although the one I always worry about is the "Ten Chances" game. It goes like this: You're given three different digits, two of which are in the price of the blender. You write down two-digit numbers until you get it right. Then you go on to: You're given four digits, and write down three-digit prices until you guess the price of the washer-dryer. Then: You're given five digits, and write down four-digit prices to win the trip. But the game ends after your tenth guess. Now, if we assume that the contestant is guessing randomly, there are 6 ways of choosing 2 of three numbers (in a particular order), so there is 1/6 chance of guessing the blender. Or an average of 3.5 tries ((1+6)/2) before they get it. For choosing 3 of 4 digits, the odds are 1/24, or an average of 12.5 guesses. And for the 4 of 5 digits, it's 1/60, averaging 30.5 guesses. So the average expected number of guesses is 46.5, which is a heck of a lot more than 10! But even the dumbest contestant wouldn't try random permutations -- if the price of the blender had to be made from "0, 1, 4" nobody is going to guess "01" or "04", and only stupid ones will guess "10" or "14". But I don't have an idea of any way of computing the actual odds of winning, except by just keeping statistics of how many people have won or lost over the years. This is, of course, a more complex case of the "Safe Cracker" game, where you're given the three digits in the price of a three-digit item, and you just pick one of the six combinations (usually being able to rule out two or four of them, if a low digit appears.) Picking three of three is actually the same task as picking two of three to win the blender, because once you've picked two the remaining digit picks itself, whether you ignore it or not. "Safe Cracker" has minimum odds of 1/6 (assuming dumb contestants) and maximum of 1/1 (assuming they know the price), because there's no element of chance. You can make similar predictions about some of the other games that mix skill and chance: In "Three Strikes", a bag contains three red "X"s and five (different) digits which make the price of a car. You pull one out at random, and if it's a digit, you name which of the five positions it's supposed to be in, and if you're right, it lights up, and if you're wrong, it goes back into the bag. If you pull out all three "X"s, you lose. This game is almost never won, and was almost impossible even when cars had 4-digit prices. Assuming the contestants psychically know the 5-digit price, to win they'd have to choose a strike last, meaning they have only a 3/8 chance at best. But of course nobody's going to know the price down to the last dollar (especially as the cars have varying accessories) so let's assume the contestants are guessing randomly. I'll let you do the math on this one, and if your answer isn't much less than 1 you're doing it wrong. "Secret X" has odds of 1/3 if the contestant is dumb, 2/3 if they're smart. "Bump" has odds of 1/2 if the contestant is dumb, 1 if they're smart. "Race Game" has odds of 1/24 if they're dumb, 1 if they're smart, and I would still like to know whether the people who made the "Race Game" props were smart enough not to include a big neon "3" inside that thing. -- K. Oh, and the odds for "Range Finder" can't be calculated because it's clearly not random because humans are hiding the secret price, and they're NEVER mean enough to put it at the very end of the range, dammit! Besides, controlled experiments on "Range Finder" are difficult because once you hit the red button, they can't start the Range Finder again for 24 hours, not counting that they tape 120 hours of shows in one day. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ABEMARF RECENT POSTS IN ALT.MINDCONTROL (8-20-99) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 21 Aug 1999 06:01:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.civil-liberty, alt.current-events, alt.current-events.usa, sci.physics, and alt.sci.physics, Carol Paliwoda (capaliwoda@netzero.net) wrote: > > ABEMARF RECENT POSTS IN ALT.MINDCONTROL (8-20-99) > > > Many of the Abemarf posts in the alt.mindcontrol newsgroup are very > good and provide in depth analysis of the social aspects of mind > control, as well as lots of interesting historical information. > I am currently an actual mind control victim who has blown the > whistle on somebody's mind control operations in the Cleveland, > Ohio, area. I prefer (and am probably forced by the impairment the > mind control creates, whether I like it or not) simpler and more > direct means of expression. And I like cherry Pez, but you don't hear me blaming that on brain damage. (That would make me NOT like cherry Pez.) > I would like to simplify and put in a nutshell DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS This has been today's dancing bear break. We now return you to the article which contained the phrase "put in a nutshell". > what actually happens. People who blow the whistle on these > mind controllers (and I don't know whether my particular > ones are NSA or not, having no direct contact with the cowardly > perpetrators) are severely tortured, to put it simply and directly. > There are all those psychological factors Abemarf talks about, but > I find that ultimately in my case the old adage about sticks and > stones applies. Words and psychological factors can't really > inflict that much damage on a strong, independent person. That's good, you CRAZY IDIOT. > It is the physical torture that gets you. I have just gone through > about 100 consecutive days of hell in which the perps have nuked my > house every night between 10 P.M. and 6 A.M. (scarcely skipping a night) > with the most painful radiation attack I have ever felt. I don't like those eight-hour blocks of "The Jeffersons" on Nick At Nite either, but I just change the channel. > The radiation fills the house Then how do you fit inside? > and the yard and continues down the street. Fortunately, radiation needs to get permission from its mommy to cross it. > I can't believe the neighbors are not detecting anything. > Maybe they are. Because of the paranoia the attacks have caused, > we are not really on very good terms and there is an absence of > communication here. The assailants do like to generate paranoia WITH THEIR DEADLY PARANOIA RAYS!!! > to alienate you from people in your environment, if you are a target. > The punishment is so horrible that emotional outbursts from time to > time are hard to control (the inducement of hysteria due to > extreme pain). The radiation could have an overhead source, They have one of those in every Motel 6 bathroom. > but, face it, some of the perpetrators could be concealed within the > local houses, disguised as regular citizens but possessing a hidden > agenda. The radiation is so intense that it could be damaging > internal organs. So keep all your organs on the outside! > I was bedridden from it the first two days of this week and had > horrible chest pains. I had muscle and joint pains representing > seared tissue. It's a good thing you typed all those words to describe the pain in your hands. > At the end of the week I am making a partial recovery. I don't know > whether these are microwaves or higher energy (like an X-ray), > but they penetrate the heaviest steel and concrete. Are you sure you've tried them all? I mean, they keep coming up with new kinds of steel concrete that are heavier. Home Depot now sells ten-pound bags of concrete mix that weigh over two hundred pounds. > They cause swelling of tissue, asphyxiation, something like bronchial > asthma with fluid in the lungs, and a very painful burning sensation. DIARRHEA IS LIKE PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIA RAGING INSIDE YOU. > They make you gasp for air as a poison gas would. I had to leave the > house several nights and sleep in my van in parking lots some miles away, > the pain was so awful I couldn't stand it. It's a good thing the radiation can only penetrate concrete and steel and not vans. And that is why the radioactive ghosts never got Shaggy and Scooby! > This is kept up relentlessly by the perpetrators, night after night. They have plenty of time all night because other, even more evil, perpetrators are zapping THEM with stay-up-all-night Jeffersons-rerun rays! > Sleep deprivation results in perpetual fatigue. There is body weakness > and heart and joint pain like arthritis the mornings after. Your > head hurts and is dizzy like somebody clobbered you with a blunt > object. Perps claim your brain will damage. Yeah, your brain could damage lots of stuff if you threw it really hard. > Something like a limited nuclear war is being waged against people See, it's a LIMITED nuclear war because IT INVOLVES NO NUCLEAR WEAPONS AND NO WAR! > who know too much by amoral de facto death squads, who rely on long-term > wait-outs to destroy their prey. ENOUGH OF THAT WAITING COULD DESTROY ANYONE! > Amoral, because I have no inherent guilt. The wrongdoing, the invasion > of privacy into my home, the assaults, are entirely their fault. > I must have looked like an easy mark. Perhaps a technology similar > to that which goes into the neutron bomb is involved. The Neutron Bomb! Technology goes in! Technology doesn't come out! > This type of severe persecution of any opposition is undoubtedly the > reason there continues to be a total information blackout in all public news > media outlets about the mind control technology which has evolved. Actually, the television news is FULL of information about this subject. I suspect that someone is just erasing your memories of having seen it. > There is telepathic transfer--transfer of mental and emotional > states, of voice effects. It is pretty total mind and body > control--very dangerous to have in unrestrained hands like these. > Attacking a victim with a mob of energized, shrieking, noisy > freaks is another torture which is hard to take. You should stop watching "The Tom Green Show" drunk, then you'd realize you were seeing multiple. There's only one Tom Green. THANK GOD!!! > This type of unrelenting persecution, which the perps engage in like > fanatics against isolated victims, must have caused a lot of suicides. > It can really run a victim into the ground, detach him/her from normal > living. Relocation is smart and must be done before survival > resources are depleted, but it sure isn't easy under heavy assault. > > > It would be a good idea if social activists could run something > like an underground railway--a relocation service for victims to > some nuclear-free zone. ALL ABOARD THE IMAGINARY TRAIN, DEPARTING WACKYLAND, NEXT STOP ARKHAM ASYLUM! > Perpetrators of these nightmares are very efficiently wiping out any > dissenters wanting to put a brake on a very ugly rise to power of certain > controlling cliques--an ugly amoral technocracy. When the Moon hits your eye like an evil death ray, that's amoral... > As far as my personally ever willingly surrendering to any of these > pressures, I have a message similar to that sent by the Allies to > Hitler's forces during the Battle of the Bulge (in which my father > was a proud participant): NUTS! MISTER SPOCK, SET YOUR EVIL BACKWARDS PHASER ON "NUTS"! -- K. P.S. Confidential to Carol Paliwoda: Your problems are caused by eating food from contaminated dishes. I urge you to seek the help of a professional dishwasher. Check the Hanover Inn at Dartmouth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Sillier Side of Sears Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 03:25:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I live near Kenmore Square. (Which is near Fenway Park.) You may recognize the name "Kenmore" as the brand name on the appliances which are in over 50% of American homes, and in every Sears -- it's the Sears house brand. It's so named because Sears had a big factory in Kenmore Square. Said building is now gutted, awaiting to become a lame mall containing about three stores, one of which is a chain which went out of business before the mall could open. I regret that I'll never know the truth of a local legend Scott Ramming told me: If you returned a broken Craftsman (Sears) tool under the Sears Lifetime Guarantee, they'd take it back to the Kenmore building and toss it onto this mountain of broken Craftsman tools in the courtyard. Anyway, this brings me to my point about Sears/Kenmore. Not a point, so much as a complaint about a consumertastic bozosity: Today in the hallway I saw a box from a small Kenmore refrigerator. The large-type sales pitch on the box said: EURO-STYLE ROUND DOOR What, the door has thirteen stars around it? -- K. and they don't like it in England? (Well, of course England is reluctant to switch to the Euro -- it's not like they ever changed currencies within my lifetime.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Sillier Side of Sears Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 05:57:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris Masto (chris+usenet@netmonger.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The large-type sales pitch on the box said: > > > > EURO-STYLE ROUND DOOR > > I am reminded of a product I see every time I go to the supermarket, > though I keep forgetting to bring a camera in order to take a picture > that I may share its wackiness. > > The box says: > > +---------------------------+ > | /--------\ | > || European | New York | > || Style | | > | \--------/ | > | | > | * TEXAS TOAST | > | | > +---------------------------+ > > Except it's not done in bad ASCII art. > > It's funny even if it did make sense to buy frozen toast. Yes, and even if I already took a picture of it a while ago and haven't put it up yet (the wacky food section of my Web site is nearing the big update, in between work on my CGIs -- today my biggest CGI hit 3000 lines! Yay! Of course, 3000 lines of computer code is no big deal if you're programing in some wimpy language like C++ or assembly, but I'm using Perl, so you know that any ordinary program can fit in one line of Perl, therefore my program must be 3000 times cooler. But I think I'm starting to digress. Back to the New York Brand European Style Texas Garlic Toast which I've already called dibs on:) /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Catch Phrase Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 12 Apr 1998 08:22:03 GMT "Jaffo" (jaffo@connect.net) wrote: > > "HE TORE INTO EVERY PEICE OF SOFT TISSUE I HAVE!" > > Jaffo Well, now that you bring up the subject of toilet paper related catchphrases... I dunno, I'm kinda partial to the one I've been working with all day today. I've been walking around in my Be, Inc. T-shirt and a "Hi, My Name Is Jean-Louis Gassee" nametag shouting "WE DON'T SHIT ON OUR DEVELOPERS!" but so far nobody believes I'm Jean-Louis Gassee. But maybe that's just because I haven't left my bedroom all day. Also, let's not forget Ridley Scott's favorite, "YES, GUV'NOR, MY ASS!" And what about "TUBBY TUSTARD! TUBBY TUSTARD! TUBBY TUSTARD!" ? Today I ate a box of European Style New York Brand Texas Garlic Toast, which was made in Columbus, Ohio. I had to eat it before Apple Inc. could shit on it. But here, let me hijack the thread before I ruin it. It has come to my attention lately that I can turn anything into bathroom humor. ("I'LL TURN ANY TYPO INTO TOILET HUMOR!" -- Kibo, Jan. 12, 1997) For instane: Peeps --> poops Popeye --> has nephew named Poopeye thirty-two --> turdy-poo Orbitz --> Orbitzlestra L. Ron Hubbard --> P-meter I mean, it only takes a quarter of a second to do the obvious ones, like Paula Poundstone, synergy, or a jungle gym. It still takes under one second to do the hardest ones I've found, such as Frank Welker's eyeglasses and a pound of neutrinos. So please suggest topics for discussion that cannot possibly be made into pee-pee or poo-poo references, and then I will use those to elevate the level of discussion. -- K. P.S. Peeps! Peeps! Peeps! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// [this next thread meanders a while around the bathroom before stumbling back onto the subject of Texas-flavored Toast Food:] From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 23:16:28 GMT Matthew J McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Also Cat #1 is using the kitty bed we got for Cat #2, actually the New > Number Two because the other Number Two died of a pre-existing > condition. Fortunately this one has not died yet but does like to > fling cat litter great distances while apparently trying to tunnel to > the center of the earth before peeing. > Of course we find this "endearing" because of the evil Cute Rays that > this particular cat emits, even though it is looks nothing like the > orange tabbies used in all cat food commercials in the post-Morris era, I've noticed there are no black cats in commercials, even on BET. Also they'd all have to be dubbed with James Earl Jones saying "MEOW." because he's the only black actor allowed to do commercials. For those of you in other countries, American TV commercials are like this: VOICEOVER: Introducing new Splurge lemon-line drink! Here are some people cooler than you! They drink it! (Cut to a rap group, composed of three white people with a black guy behind them. They hold up their hands and make "peace" signs.) WHITE GUY #1: It's so RAD! WHITE GUY #2: It speaks to MY generation! WHITE GUY #3: AWESOME! BLACK GUY (James Earl Jones): KICK IT! VOICEOVER: Splurge! Kick it in the Splurge and get free Splurgewear! > but is the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. Of course, > there are limits to the effects of Cute Rays, which in Sam's case all seem > to have to do with damage to furniture. Anyway she is still > hundreds of miles from here, so it is cat party time. You know, if you had said "Cat Potty Time" then you could have tied together "Potty's Album" and "It's Potty Time" (with your friend, Mr. Penders) or you could have said "Cat Panty Time" and tied "Panty Cat" to the famous "Cat Soup" sketch on "Hee Haw", but nooooooooo, you had to MAKE SENSE. Anyway, I think you should feed the cat nothing but soap suds, like that Chinese grocery store on Essex Street that doesn't give the cat a water dish but keeps mopping the floor. Though it would be better if you exchanged the cat for a wild gorilla or elephant or Frankenstein monster or Dracula before feeding it the soap, so that it could run around the wild party scene at the end of your sixties Peter Sellers comedy spewing soap bubbles all over because bedlam is always funny if Peter Sellers is stoned. -- K. And then he died because James Randi performed psychic surgery on him. /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 03:53:55 GMT djcrowe@my-dejanews.com, one of those Deja News people with no real name, wrote: > > All at once, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You know, if you had said "Cat Potty Time" then you could have tied together > > "Potty's Album" and "It's Potty Time" (with your friend, Mr. Penders) > > Great. Now I can't get the song "She is a Sooper-dooper Pooper" > out of my head. You have a pooper in your head? Hmm. Maybe Archimpedes Plutonium should revise his patent for his full-body plaster straightjacket. > I personally know all the words to the songs on this video. Ha! I *ONLY* know all the words to the songs on this video. "Hold on there, sport, what's the RUSH? Sounds like you forgot to FLUSH!" > For a two month period of time it was my youngster's favorite. > Due to my mutated old-timey gene (on chromosome 57), I was too stoopid > and lazy to get up and turn the damn TV off while the tape ran continuously. Wait, you were watching it on a tape? Mr. Penders didn't just come over? Damn! I hate it when I get special treatment from people like Mr. Penders, bathroom gnome! > I recently read that the US guv-ment was friendly to some of Hitler's > "scientists" after the II war. "It's Potty Time" was one of the first > projects they worked on. Unfortunately for them, the delivery mechanism > (VHS) was not readily available until the '80s. > > Now everyone sing: > > "Wipe, wipe, wipe yourself > always front to back > merily, merily, merily, merily > now you've got the knack. > > I'M SERIOUS!!! I KNOW ALL THE WORDS!!!! KEEP BACK!!!! > I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM!!!! Okay, if you're the world's greatest expert on "It's Potty Time"(R), please explain these problems I have understanding it: (1) Why is Mr. Penders the same guy as that really scary clown who wears a bandana on his head instead of a NORMAL rainbow wig? (2) When the kid whose birthday it is has to go potty, why does everyone else at the party freeze for about ten minutes? (3) Why are all the kids wearing the same underwear? (4) Why does the kid lather with soap for about twenty minutes, including lathering his elbows, and then he rinses for a tenth of a second? (5) What's with that one girl in the "Moon Bounce" thing with a simian supraorbital cranial ridge and the one giant eyebrow, like Chaka on "Land of the Lost"? (6) Could the daddy of the super-duper pooper actually be Urkel? (7) How come nobody ever gave me a Super-Dooper Pooper award? What am I doing wrong? > - DAve C. > > > -----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==----- > http://www.dejanews.com/rg_mkgrp.xp Create Your Own Free Member Forum You know, someday DejaNews (aka Deja News, depending on which of their Web pages you read) is going to decide to give all their users a twelve-line .sig with an ASCII picture of the USS Enterprise battling NBC's seaQuest DSV, causing the same sort of chaos that would have happened if Heywood Floyd had told the little girl on the visiphone, "Oh, by the way, we found a big space alien halvah bar on the Moon, but you can only tell your ten best friends." And then the rest of "2001" was about the little girl with bulging forehead and giant eyebrow evolving into a Super-Duper Pooper. -- K. I'm never the one who turns the topic of discussion to the toilet. I am, however, the only one who can flush the discussion. /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 6 Aug 1998 04:16:55 GMT David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > > > Okay, if you're the world's greatest expert on "It's Potty Time"(R), > > please explain these problems I have understanding it: > > Triple Secret Friggin Ha! Made you research the stupid thing all afternoon!!! Quad Ripple Ha! I watched it all NIGHT! > > (1) Why is Mr. Penders the same guy as that really scary clown who > > wears a bandana on his head instead of a NORMAL rainbow wig? > > Clowns are not only scary, but evil as well. Especially the clown that > roamed around my hometown many years ago. Name was "Pockets the Clown." > Had all of these pockets sewn on his clownsuit. Kids were supposed to > "reach into" the "pockets" and pull out a "prize". Good thing his name wasn't "Mr. Cuisinart". THANK YOU! THANK YOU! > Anyway, clowns are evil and affect your brane-wave patterns into thinkin' > things. Things like making themselves look just like Mr. Pincers. I like the idea of Mr. Pincers following little kids into the bathroom and shouting "HEY! YOU FORGOT TO FLUSH! THAT MEANS I GET TO PINCH YOU WHERE YOUR BATHING SUIT COVERS!" Those "...if anyone touches you where your bathing suit covers" public-service ads are all part of Allen Funt's campaign to get kids to think they will be safe from pedophiles if they take off their bathing suits. And then he'll pinch them with his giant claws. > > (2) When the kid whose birthday it is has to go potty, why > > does everyone else at the party freeze for about ten minutes? > > Gort knows why. But he ain't talkin'. GORT, KLAATU BARADA NIKTO DUPER POOPER! > > (3) Why are all the kids wearing the same underwear? > > Hmmm. I always assumed they were wearing the same BRAND of underwear. > Now that you mention it, they're wearing the same PAIR of underwear. You > got me on that one. It's not even a pair. They're all wearing the same underPANT. -- K. WHY DO UNDERPANTS COME IN PACKS OF SIX BUT GIANT PINCERS COME IN PACKS OF EIGHT? /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 08:54:50 GMT Roger Douglas (rdouglas@magna.com.au) wrote: > > Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) said: > > > > I guess we weren't really talking about the Weather Channel, though > > were we? I was just trying to illustrate that most pop-culture > > references go right over my head, and I've learned to live with that > > so well that it really upsets my sense of Order of the Universe when I > > have a glimmer of a clue of what it is you folks are discussing. So > > cut it out, OK? > > Right! So now you have an inkling what it feels like to be an Englishman > reading ARK in Austria! > > The constant sense of complete alienation, like that guy in > "Return From the Stars". Hey! Stanislaw Lem is *not* from Australia! So you can't possibly understand his works even if you've seen all those "Omni" covers he painted with bald women with metal lips sucking on tubes of oil paint! The first time I typed that it came out "oil pant" but oil pants would be annoying because it would be hard to get them dirty playing in the mud. > The strange feeling of deja vu when you catch an episode of some rerun US > sitcom on TV and suddenly half-understand something someone posted three > years ago. > > The sense of absolute weirdness when Kibo mentions Barry Humphries. FOR THOSE OF YOU READING THIS IN PARTS OF THE WORLD WHERE YOU DON'T WATCH STUPID TV SHOWS FROM ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO: Barry Humphries was a mega-star in Australia for about six months as "Dame Edna". He hosted a couple of "specials" (or the opposite thereof) in the United States and was then quickly consigned to the counter-clockwise flush of the toilet of history, because here in the Northern Hemisphere history always swirls counter-clockwise whereas in Australia it swirls ANTI-clockwise. > The total mind-blowing dislocation of reality when you find Ben and Jerry's > ice cream on a ferry between Belfast and Stranraer. Or when you find Emac's & Bolio's ice cream installed on your hard drive. > I had the New York Chocolate Fudge Nut Special, or whatever the hell it's > called. Not European Style New York Brand Texas Garlic Toast from Ohio? > Did you know Barry Humphries is really a WOMAN? It's true. He is just a > character played by Dame Edna Everage! And if you slept with him you'd be below PUN FAILED AT 0000:00F3 -- NON-MASKABLE INTERRUPT, SYSTEM HALTED Anyway, Roger, or as I pronounce it, Rod-Ger, or as I'd pronounce that, Rodg-Dger, the reason I'm making this post is to cheer you up. CHEER UP, ROGDER. Okay, I lied. The only reason I'm making this worthless post is so that in twenty years you'll see it in some old archive with tannin-stained pages and dog-eared corners on all the icons, and every single proper noun in it will be incomprehensible unless you've wasted your entire life filling your NON-VOLATILE brain cells with stuff about Stanislaw Lem dressing up in a pink wig and mincing around pretending to be a talented celebrity and/or woman instead of relegating it to your FLUSHABLE brain cells so that useful information, like the fact that "2" is always green and "3" is always red, can go in the good part of your brain. -- K. "2" IS ALWAYS GREEN. If you don't believe me, you're colorblind. /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// 1998 /// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 09:51:13 GMT I just wrote: > > Okay, I lied. The only reason I'm making this worthless post is so that > in twenty years you'll see it in some old archive with tannin-stained > pages and dog-eared corners on all the icons, and every single proper > noun in it will be incomprehensible unless you've wasted your entire life > [...] Okay, I lied again. I'm going to explain the stuff I mentioned earlier in this discussion about Muppet Crotch Recovery just so that when you see the above post in twenty years you'll realize you didn't need to spend twenty years keeping garbage out of your brain and could have stuffed your head with "seaQuest" until it popped. Your head, not the "seaQuest". But that would be good too. > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > Subject: Re: alt.recovery.disease.muppet-crotch > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology > Date: Sun, 2 Aug 1998 23:16:28 GMT > X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8316 centons, 67 microns, .01 abians Those are things called headers. Headers were a way of communicating metadata back in the 20th century. Metadata was what came after data but before nondata, the official language of all 21st-century game shows. "Alex, I'll take Yak Blarging for purple spiral dollars." "The answer is: This inside-out walnut-flavored zeppelin defenestrated a poppy-seed larblax glarpnod." "What is Muppet Crotch?" "You bleez!" (The contestant begins jumping up and down and squealing or crying, depending on whether bleezing is better than losing or worse than winning that day. On days when bleezing is worse than losing, the contestant is put in a soundproof isolation chamber with a nuclear bomb.) > Matthew J McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also Cat #1 is using the kitty bed we got for Cat #2, actually the New > > Number Two because the other Number Two died of a pre-existing > > condition. Fortunately this one has not died yet but does like to > > fling cat litter great distances while apparently trying to tunnel to > > the center of the earth before peeing. > > > Of course we find this "endearing" because of the evil Cute Rays that > > this particular cat emits, even though it is looks nothing like the > > orange tabbies used in all cat food commercials in the post-Morris era, Matt was some guy who lived back in the 20th century. He's dead now. However, in an ironic twist, the original Cat Number Two is no longer dead. > I've noticed there are no black cats in commercials, even on BET. BET was a TV channel with fewer honkies on it than The WB. Honkies were clowns who went around honking their little pink noses. The WB was a TV channel of sorts. Eventually it was reduced to half a channel, with an aquarium shown in the bottom half of the screen. Every day the water level went up a little until everyone drowned. > Also they'd all have to be dubbed with James Earl Jones saying "MEOW." > because he's the only black actor allowed to do commercials. James Earl Jones was the only African-American actor that honkies liked, because he scared them, but they were scared of all black people, but they knew James Earl Jones was really only pretending to scare them so he's okay, not like that creepy Bill Cosby guy! Mr. Jones, a recipient of twelve Oscars (all for "Star Wars XIII: Darth's Back"), died in office and his duties were assumed by Vice-President Jerry Springer. > For those of you in other countries, American TV commercials are like this: Commercials were what they had before those darts with the synthetic memory cells on the tip that the robots roaming the street would throw into your brain. This was because in the 20th century it was considered impolite to leave your brain exposed on top. > VOICEOVER: Introducing new Splurge lemon-line drink! Here are some > people cooler than you! They drink it! > > (Cut to a rap group, composed of three white people with a black guy > behind them. They hold up their hands and make "peace" signs.) Rap was the form of music after disco and before farta. > WHITE GUY #1: It's so RAD! > > WHITE GUY #2: It speaks to MY generation! > > WHITE GUY #3: AWESOME! > > BLACK GUY (James Earl Jones): KICK IT! This was much like our modern expression, "Twenty-Four Skiddoo!" > VOICEOVER: Splurge! Kick it in the Splurge and get free Splurgewear! > > > but is the color of television, tuned to a dead channel. Of course, > > there are limits to the effects of Cute Rays, which in Sam's case all seem > > to have to do with damage to furniture. Anyway she is still > > hundreds of miles from here, so it is cat party time. The "color of television tuned to a dead channel" is a reference to one of those old-tymey writers like D. H. Lawrence or Bret Easton Ellis, you know, those square clods whose works are utterly irrelevant in our modern society. > You know, if you had said "Cat Potty Time" then you could have tied together > "Potty's Album" and "It's Potty Time" (with your friend, Mr. Penders) > or you could have said "Cat Panty Time" and tied "Panty Cat" to the > famous "Cat Soup" sketch on "Hee Haw", but nooooooooo, you had to MAKE SENSE. Well, here's the straight dope extracted from the gold-plated slices of Kibo's brain in the Smithsonian Insta-Tuna. "It's Potty Time" was a video (those were like radio, only they could be recorded) in which a Duke University grad student dressed up as "Mr. Penders", got really small, and followed little kids into the bathroom while singing about the fun of ALWAYS flushing. "Potty's Album" was some book a friend's roommate had, containing photos of a kitten. (He was from Korea, where apparently literary standards are even lower than they were in the United States, which was the name of the country before it changed its named to States Plus. Photos were like livos only you couldn't kill them by slamming the book really hard.) "Panty Cat" was some bizarre video game from Japan. Japan was a country that was destroyed when they lost control of a video game -- video games were a popular form of entertainment which combined realistic depictions of extreme violence with a complete lack of physics, logic, or desaturated colors. > Anyway, I think you should feed the cat nothing but soap suds, like > that Chinese grocery store on Essex Street that doesn't give the cat > a water dish but keeps mopping the floor. Cheng Kwong was a store which once sold Kibo a pair of frozen frogs that were stuck together. This was before Kibo discovered much bigger, and less odiferous, Chinese supermarkets to the south, such as The 88 Super Market and Ming's, which had an Aisle Of Jerks. Jerks were people like President Springer. > Though it would be better if you exchanged the cat for a wild gorilla > or elephant or Frankenstein monster or Dracula before feeding it the soap, > so that it could run around the wild party scene at the end of your > sixties Peter Sellers comedy spewing soap bubbles all over because > bedlam is always funny if Peter Sellers is stoned. This was a reference to Peter Sellers's film "The Party" (elephant) and Peter Sellers's "The Magic Christian" (Dracula) and Peter Sellers's film "Casino Royale" (Frankenstein) and a pastiche of sixties comedy films that Saturday Night Live once did (the gorilla). These films always ended with five dozen people in one swank hotel room running around in circles while soap suds sprayed all over them, much like at the 2040 Presidential Assassination Games. > > -- K. > > And then he died because > James Randi performed > psychic surgery on him. James "The Amazing" Randi used to appear on Johnny Carson's show while performing psychic surgery (sticking his hands into other people's business and pulling out their liver and showing it to them) to demonstrate how real psychic surgery was. Peter Sellers died because he went to some Caribbean island for cheap fake psychic surgery instead of going to Randi. Mr. Randi lived to be 150, although for the last thirty years of his life he was only kept alive as a disembodied foot. P.S. "Muppet Crotch" was the disease that wiped out everyone who didn't cry when the Year 2000 Problem destroyed their TV sets. The cure was found to involve leaving your brain exposed to the air at the top, and re-electing Jerry Springer. -- K. I'M LOOKING DOWN ON YOU FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE AND BOY DO YOU PEOPLE SMELL. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Nerd stuff. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 03:44:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here are the technical differrences between the "k56flex", "X2", and "v.90" protocols for 56-kilobit-per-second modems: k56flex: * Connects by going "EeeeeeeeeeeRRRRRRrrrEEErrr" and then goes real slow. X2: * Connects by going "EeeeeeeeeeeRRRRRReeeRRRrrrCRUNCH". v.90: * Connects by going "EeeeeeeeeeeRRRRRReee***SPROING!***SPROING!***doodle" and then mysteriously hangs up the phone whenever it senses that you're about to get to the good part of something. So, in my case at least, X2 works the best, but I really like the wacky noises that v.90 makes. Is there a way I can have my modem still actually do X2, but sound like v.90? -- K. Also can they please add four extra buttons to the front of the computer that make it yell four insults when pressed? And can they make the Connect Four pieces actually talk? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shocking! Sagan was a pothead! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 04:12:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "leemerkel" (merkel@splusnet.com) wrote: > > Biographer: Sagan Smoked Marijuana > > By SCOTT ANDREWS Associated Press Writer > > SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - The late astronomer and author Carl Sagan was a > secret but avid marijuana smoker, crediting it with inspiring essays and > scientific insight, according to Sagan's biographer. > > Using the pseudonym ``Mr. X'', It's a fitting pseudonym, given that he was the guy who discovered that Planet X that they're always worrying about! > Sagan wrote about his pot smoking in an essay published in the 1971 book > ``Reconsidering Marijuana.'' The book's editor, Lester Grinspoon, recently > disclosed the secret to Sagan's biographer, Keay Davidson. Mr. Grinspoon is just trying to cover up the fact that the article was ACTUALLY written by George W. Bush! Grinspoon... Greenspan... THINK ABOUT IT, WON'T YOU? > Davidson, a writer for the San Francisco Examiner, revealed the marijuana > use in an article published in the newspaper's magazine Sunday. > ``Carl Sagan: A Life'' is due out in October. I can't wait to read the chapter where Apple sued him for copying the name of one of their computers. > ``I find that today a single joint is enough to get me high ... in one > movie theater recently I found I could get high just by inhaling the > cannabis smoke which permeated the theater,'' wrote Sagan, who authored > popular science books such as ``Cosmos,'' ``Contact,'' and > ``The Dragons of Eden.'' Of course, "recently" here means "several years before George Lucas thunk up 'Star Wars'." Around the time when you could do a poll where you asked "Did you vote for Nixon?" and fewer than 90% would say "Heck no!" Let's put it another way: This was so not "recently" that THERE WERE STILL PEOPLE LANDING ON THE MOON BACK THEN! Of course, maybe we wouldn't have landed a man on the Moon if Carl Sagan hadn't been stoned. I mean, we only went there because he got the munchies for green cheese nachos. > In the essay, Sagan said marijuana inspired some of his intellectual work. Like that essay where he said he liked to smoke marijuana. > ``I can remember one occasion, taking a shower with my wife while high, > in which I had an idea on the origins and invalidities of racism in > terms of gaussian distribution curves,'' wrote the former Cornell University > professor. > ``I wrote the curves in soap on the shower wall, and went to write the > idea down. Is it really good to write an essay that boils down to "I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT IF RACISM IS BAD WHILE I WAS SOBER"? > Sagan also wrote that pot enhanced his experience of food, particularly > potatoes, music and sex. > > [Lee Merkel omments:] > > Apparently he got so high he considered music and sex as food. > Well, sex, OK. But can you eat chords? I like Swiss chord because it comes in Trix colors. Also, I like how potatoes are the kind of food which is most enhanced by illegal drugs. Well, okay, I'm guessing a super-psychedelic potato still isn't half as good as a big plate of bacon. -- K. They should make potatoes illegal because they encourage famous butt-head astronomers to use drugs! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.books.carl-sagan From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shocking! Sagan was a pothead! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 07:34:53 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology "Proc" (proc@somewhere.com) wrote: > > "leemerkel" (merkel@splusnet.com) quoted a wire-service article: > > > > Sagan also wrote that pot enhanced his experience of food, particularly > > potatoes, music and sex. > > "I have this craving to eat *billions* and *billions* of doritos!" And as I dip my arms into this bountiful vat of cosmic Doritos and hurl them into the air with wild abandon, imagine the surprise of Zeno of Elea should these flying triangles of nutrition form themselves into nature's most perfect shape, the dodecahedron, a shape found everywhere from the tiniest plankton of our Earthly oceans to the forefronts of the minds of the Pythagoreans, of whom it was said that they would kill those who learned the mystic secrets of the dodecahedron, untold countless centuries before R. Buckminster Fuller unlocked the dodecahedron's celestial rhythms for all to enjoy as we continue our voyage towards the Butt-Head Nebula. -- K. I could do this all day. AND I'M NOT EVEN STONED! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Decorations spruce up teachers' image Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 06:00:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > UPI Science News > BOSTON, Aug. 21 (UPI) -- Teachers who drape their office doors with > decorations are more likely to be perceived by their students as happier > and more caring than those academics who keep their doorways bare. Even if they decorate their door with cards that say "KILL ALL STUDENTS" with black lace around the edges and a little picture of Mia Farrow holding a knife? > A study released today at the American Psychological Association > annual meeting in Boston says college students who were shown pictures > of various professors' office doors felt the occupants of the decorated > offices had more favorable traits than the teachers whose doorways were > bare. I get the feeling the sole reason the American Psychological Association did this report was that some bigwig shrink got reprimanded by his institute for having a messy door, so he wrote that monograph, entitled "Hey, Messy Doors Are Good For The Nation's Mental Health, So Give Me A Raise." > In the research, by R. Steven Schiavo, professor of psychology at > Wellesley College in Massachusetts, asked 60 college professors whether > they were thinking about the students comfort when they decorated their > office doors. This is veering towards colliding with Dartmouth's important research into whether the people who design library chairs take the needs of the butts of scientists into account. > He then shot photos of 30 doors that had been decorated with zero to > 20 items, with an average of about five, and showed them to 13 students > who did not know the teachers. Students were then asked to give their > impressions of the teachers. Curiously, most of the teachers only said "THIS is CNN!" or "Beam me up, Scotty!" or "Play it again, Sam!" or "Ju-dy, Ju-dy, Ju-dy!" > Those with the most items on their doors were viewed as keeping their > students more in mind when they decorated their offices, even though in > reality the students were right only 20 percent of the time. In general, or in regard to that question? I wouldn't be surprised if Wellesley students averaged 20 percent on the average yes-or-no question. After all, it's a college co-founded by Orson Welles and Willy Ley. It couldn't compete with that one co-founded by Woody Allen and Wernher von Braun. WOODY ALLEN AND WERNHER VON BRAUN ARE WACKY MISMATCHED ROOMMATES, REQUIRED BY COURT ORDER TO BE FRESHMEN AT THEIR OWN UNIVERSITY! HILARITY ENSUES WHEN THEY MEET THEIR ADVISOR, PROFESSOR CHIMP-A-BOO! > There was also a halo effect, in which the students viewed teachers > with more items on their doors as having many favorable traits, like a > good sense of humor, more patience in listening to student problems, > more concern and a sense that they like their disciplines and > institutions. The halo effect also causes exploding planets to have two-dimensional rings of giant flames expanding out from them diagonally. > Students had particularly positive impressions of teachers who had > cartoons and newspaper clippings on their doors, says Schiavo. > Boston College graduate student Matthew Jans was impressed by the > study and said today he has been building a file of cartoons, > specifically for the purpose of posting them on his door when he starts > teaching. I WILL NOW START CLIPPING CARTOONS IN ORDER TO TRICK MY STUDENTS INTO THINKING I CARE. > He says the most unusual -- and daring -- office door decoration he > ever saw was a set of evaluations, the best and worst the teacher had > ever gotten. That wouldn't be so daring if the teacher were REALLY GOOD. "Oh no! One guy only gave me a 9 out of 10!" > Psychologist Michael Waldo, another scientist at the meeting, says > that environment is an important and overlooked part of relationships > between students and teachers or psychologists and patients. He > conducted a study of the impact office neatness has on counseling. Waldo > showed students tapes of sessions, one in a neat office, another in a > cluttered messy version of the same office. Students rated the sessions > in the neat offices as being more effective. Even in the case of the guy whose job it is to teach How To Make Your Office Messy? > Waldo, who estimates that the vast majority of psychologists have > messy offices, says, ``We've got to clean our offices up.'' Next year, the American Psychological Association tackles another cutting-edge issue: Should the waiting room have really old magazines with half the pages ripped out, or a big dish of free candy? -- K. I realize I could be construed as representing psychOLOGists as the same as psychIATRists, but psychologists aren't as funny. Plus they can only give you drugs if you're a rat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another day, another man hiding from meteor in cave Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 07:19:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) found this: > > Another day, another man hiding from meteor in cave > > Tuesday, August 17, 1999 > By Mike Lafferty > Dispatch Staff Reporter > > CALDWELL, Ohio -- As odd behavior goes, Noble County Sheriff > Landon T. Smith said finding a Kennedy Space Center computer programmer > in a cave awaiting the destruction of Earth by a meteor last week was > within local norms. Oh, yeah, those double-dome Einstein Q. Brainiac rocket scientists know that you can escape THE DESTRUCTION OF THE EARTH by going into the Earth. It's not like he worked for anyone who had a way to go to the Moon or anything. > The encounter with Lloyd L. Albright, who fled Florida for the rural > county 80 miles southeast of Columbus, didn't surprise Smith. He has seen > plenty of unusual cases during his career. I suppose Caldwell could be one of those Bozo Magnets like La Jolla, California, or Waco, Texas. (Those are the biggest four I know.) > In the latest case, residents near Wolf Run Lake reported seeing an > unfamiliar car parked in the area north of Caldwell off I-77. That's what he gets for not driving the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, which is the world's most familiar car. Nobody would think twice about seeing the giant weiner parked in the middle of the woods. > "This vehicle was completely loaded down with stuff. There was room for > only one person. There were 16 guns -- rifles, shotguns, handguns of all > makes -- and ammunition to go with all of them,'' Smith said. He also > found camping equipment and a large quantity of dried food, including 200 > pounds of wheat. Oh, _dried_ wheat, as opposed to the green kind. > A NASA identification card found on the car's front seat belonged to > Albright, a 47-year-old computer programmer from Satellite Beach, Fla. > The space agency confirmed Albright's employment but said he worked at the > center as the employee of a NASA contractor. Hmm, I didn't realize that the United States Postal Service counted as a contractor just 'cause they made deliveries. > After hearing about the car and fearing Albright might have injured > himself, Smith led deputies through trampled grass along a road and into > heavy woods. Someday I'd like to find a grove of balsa so I could be in light woods. > A rope tied to a tree led down the embankment, and another rope led down > an even steeper embankment. > > Albright was at the end of the second rope -- in a cave that went into the > rock about 20 feet. Oh, yeah, if the Earth is smashed to bits, you need to tie yourself to a big tree so you don't fall upwards into the Sun. > "He was lying there trying to cook an egg over a fire, but he wasn't > having much luck,'' Smith said. This is a violation of standard news-reporting style: He forgot to say "HE WAS LITERALLY AT THE END OF HIS ROPE!" or at lease "THE GUY WAS LITERALLY LOSING HIS MARBLES!" > That's when Albright told Smith a giant meteor was to strike the earth at > 4 p.m. last Wednesday. Despite Albright's credentials, Smith didn't > believe him. > > "He very sincerely thought there was a meteor that was going to come and > hit the Atlantic Ocean and cause a tidal wave 200 feet high,'' Smith said. > "He was trying to hide from this meteor. It was going to go up the coast, > take Florida for sure and there would be water all over Georgia. The peach > trees were going to be covered up.'' But fortunately Morgan Freeman would survive, because remember, there's always the little meteor that knocks over some cool buildings but then Sean Connery and/or Bruce Willis blow up the big meteor despite the fact that Martin Landau is unwilling to cooperate with the Soviets in order to save the world, because, let's face it, the moment Martin Landau realizes he's in a bad movie he just wants to kill everyone. Usually with a giant pile of Supremium and some atomic-powered robot basketball players. > The man took vacation for his trip and picked Ohio because he had visited > once before. He determined it would be high enough above sea level to > avoid becoming beach- front property. It's good to see that Lex Luthor was kind enough to send out press releases. Incidentally, speaking of cartoonish supervillainy, in Canada yesterday they arrested a guy whose idea was to buy up lots of stock in the local power company and then somehow blow up all the other power companies in the world on January 1, 2000 so that everyone would think that sticks of dynamite appeared inside all the power plants but one because of Y2K. I am not making this up. I would love to know how incredibly unworkable the particular details of this nitwit's Hanna-Barbaric plan were. > He wanted his family to come along, Smith said, but they didn't want to > leave Florida. He also said he had been under marital stress, Smith said. Of course, after the meteor destroyed Georgia, the United States would be put under MARITAL LAW! > Albright was sleeping on a cot, drinking water that dripped through the > cave roof, and keeping food cold in a pool of water. Oh, yeah, you can't bring your own water into most caves. They have that rule. It's like taking a can of Coke that doesn't cost three dollars onto an airplane. > Smith arrested Albright under a charge of disorderly conduct. > > "He was a danger to himself,'' the sheriff said, adding that he didn't > file the paperwork. He just left it on his desk because he knew he'd need it again real soon. > A night in the new county jail and a meal gave Albright a new perspective > on the future, Smith said. He released Albright, escorted him to nearby > I-77 and pointed him toward Florida. DEAR NASA NUT: TO GO TO FLORIDA, JUST GO TO THE MOON, THEN GO STRAIGHT DOWN. > "He was real apologetic,'' Smith said. > > "He was real sorry for causing all this trouble.'' I'M SORRY I MADE THE GIANT METEOR HIT THE EARTH JUST SO I COULD GO SPELUNKING! > Albright, back at the space center where he works on space shuttle data > processing, said he is thankful for Smith. > > "Sheriff Smith did me a favor getting me out of there,'' he said > yesterday, adding that he would like to visit Ohio again with his family. Won't he look stupid when the world really is destroyed next week! > Albright said the meteor strike, from fragments of Comet Lee, could occur > any time within nine years. > > According to NASA's official Web page, the closest Comet Lee will come to > earth is 77 million miles by the end of September. Well, that's only a quarter of the distance to the Moon, if you calculate it wrong. -- K. Hmm, the Sun is only 93 million miles away... THE SUN IS FALLING!!! THE SUN IS FALLING!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bozotic week in Boston! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 07:52:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > Only months from Y2K, and things are just purring along here in the > City on the Hill: > > *The big media event this week involved the director of a major state agency, Massport, which runs all the possible ways into or out of the city (airport, tunnels, bridges, and someday teleporters.) They have a great logo which looks like a plane crashing into a bridge which is going to collapse on a boat. > who resigned in disgrace after the local tabloid snapped photos of him > enjoying a mid-day taxpayer-funded harbor cruise and getting blue-blind > paralytic with assorted cronies and hangers-on, male and female. One of the > latter, having spotted the newspaper photog on the dock, decided to lift > her top and show him what she was made of. This is where Mr. Spock would make a joke about silicon-based life forms if Mr. Spock was really witty. > Reporters later identified her as a screen double and stunt actress > with the enigmatic name of Gidget Churchill -- presumably, no > relation to Randolph, Winston or Clementine. "Madam, when I sober up, you'll still look just like Winston Churchill in a string bikini." EWW! I'm sorry. Stop thinking about Winston Churchill in a string bikini. > It got better: the agency director's wife went on the radio and blamed the > whole thing on a former lobbyist who'd been along on the cruise and is > supposedly notorious for arranging, and participating in, such affairs -- > she referred to him as "borderline white trash," That's "white recyclable". > apparently in deference to his Harvard education. Well, yeah, I mean, Harrison Ford went there. And he's just an actor. > Turning to the subject of the female passengers, the missus declared > she had bigger breasts than our girl Gidget. She was just quoting Frank Perdue. > Then, today, a columnist from the tabloid said that along with the paper's > photog, there was _another_, apparently heretofore unidentified shutterbug > awaiting the arrival of the jovial crew. Now, in keeping with the "second > cameraman" theory, a search has begun for evidence of a grassy knoll in the > area. It would be hard to find one in Boston Harbor. It's all green and lumpy. > *Star Red Sox pitcher Pedro Martinez, When did Star Market buy the Red Sox? Well, it could be worse, Loblaw's could have bought them, and then they'd be the President's Choice Generic Baseball Team La Choix Du President Joie De Baseball Generique" or something. > who'd been sulking over the manager's refusal to let him make his previous > scheduled start because he had arrived late, pulled a Hyde-and-Jekyll > before the game last night. He began screaming in the locker room about > his mistreatment and the continuous presence of the local media hordes, > to whom he referred as "clowns." Sports reporter Frank Avruch angrily denied ever having been a Bozo. > After the game, he was smiling and relaxed, acting as if he hadn't been > practically frothing at the mouth.Or so the media hordes would have us > believe, anyway. Yeah, but how can you trust the media? They like hanging out in locker rooms. Remember a few years ago, when the guys in the Patriots locker room flashed that female reporter who was under the mistaken impression that there were no genitals in locker rooms, and Victor Kiam said all those choice quotes? I think eventually he made it up to her by sending her a box of leg razors. > *Finally, our favorite local missing criminal-on-the-run, "Whitey" Bulger -- > brother of the former Mass. Senate President, and a one-time lottery winner > to boot -- made the FBI's 10-Most-Wanted List! Yeaaaaa! Yesterday they announced that the Ten Most Wanted would be featured in "Dick Tracy" strips (I think they mean in place of "Crimestoppers Textbook", not as actual hideously deformed villains) which is especially bozotic when you realize that the list now has, at the top, Usama Bin-Ladin, the "terrorist mastermind" living in Afghanistan. So, let's see, some Afghani living next door to the bomb factory is reading Dick Tracy, and doesn't realize that his neighbor is Usama Bin-Ladin until he sees this doodle of him in Dick Tracy's clip-and-save panel, and then turns him in to the nearest FBI branch office in Afghanistan... > Sport. Politics. Revenge. Partial nudity. We got it all, bay-bee! You forgot to mention that the Silver Line is going to open soon. It's better than Crosstown Transit (which were buses with an extra stripe on them to make you think they're subway trains) because it has an actual color of its own, so it must REALLY be a subway, and plus all the buses have accordion joints in the middle so that when they get into a traffic accident the amount of gore will be minimized because all the people will be compressed into a little block. -- K. Oh, and the Big Dig still isn't quite finished. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What I'd like to see in a Batman story Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 08:01:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I'd like to see Batman enter a candy store and get socked in the fact > by a bag of jelly beans. KIBOLOGY. IT WILL SMACK YOUR FACT OUT OF YOUR HEAD. -- K. What do you call something that's almost a factoid? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Science Facts from the Disney Channel Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 22 Aug 1999 08:35:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [re a movie in which Matthew Broderick played physicist Richard Feynman] "robert lindsay" (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Having been just forced to watch 'Genius' on the Disney Channel not once > but twice, I have vital facts to upload to the Hivemind about science. > > * The best use for science is to impress chyx. Matt McIrvin will now explain > why he is not dating Julia Roberts. Well, he's with that gal who looks kind of like the daughter on "Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home", only smaller and with fluorescent yellow hair styled like Marc Singer's. Of course I only know what I see on his Web page. She should buy him a camera. > * Particle accelerators need beakers of blue and yellow liquid lying around > for no apparent reason. Well, see, Matthew Broderick has to mix them together to make the green shampoo which magically turns into a solid ball of easily-handled plutonium for that nuclear bomb he makes to show John Lithgow who's boss and... wait, wrong Matthew Broderick movie about The Triumph Of Science. Um, he needs the liquids to lubricate the folding helicopter that comes out of the hole in is brain where they removed... no, that's wrong. That's just plain wrong. Making fun of a celebrity just because he can afford brain surgery and I can't is wrong. I APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING FUN OF MATTHEW BRODERICK ACTUALLY HAVING A HELICOPTER IN HIS HEAD. > * Particle accelerators also have bright red lasers running through them. That's just to help them can aim it at the bad guys. > * Particle accelerators are run by 1 scentist and a grad student assistant. Why would they need a perfumier? I didn't think you could smell neutrinos. They go right up your nose and out the top of your head, even if you're not Matthew Broderick. Although I think you can smell radioactive Pu. > * The officiating at College Hockey Game is roughly the level of pro > wrestling. > > * Hockey players will not notice bright orange disks attatached to their > skates when they put them on. You're saying that the central gimmick of this science movie is that he cheats at the hockey game by stealing several of "THE WHEEL_____ Cart Control System"'s locking orange wheel discs from the local supermarket and sticking them to the enemy team's skates so that when they cross the blue line, their skates stop working? Next you'll tell me why science can't explain why the sign at Shaw's has an underline twice as wide as the words in "THE WHEEL_______" and because they made the underline so wide they had to leave extra space for it before finishing the sentence. Scientists are great that way. They can always tell you all the reasons why they don't know the stuff they don't know. > * Scientific breakthroughs come from reading comic books and listening to > house music. That was Carl Sagan's problem! He smoked dope in the shower and forgot to work a comic book into the equation. Imagine how many MORE planets in our Solar System he could have discovered! > * If your particle accelerator runs wild, and large cracks apprear in the ice > rink above you, the game will be postphoned. Have you ever played hocked from a phone booth? YOU WILL. > However, if rival players suddenly start dancing with each other > and floating 20 feet above the ice, no one will notice and the game > will go on. I resent the implication that Disney's "The Absent-Minded Professor" was based on Richard Feynman, because Fred MacMurray would have solved that problem with Humphrey Bogart's missing strawberries a lot faster if he were Feynman. Also, Buck Henry's character on "Murphy Brown" was based on Richard Feynman, and he didn't look anything like Fred MacMurray, so people should stop claiming to be Richard Feynman unless they've been on "Murphy Brown". > * Apparently acne has been wiped out since I was in 8th grade. Sticking your head in the particle accelerator will do that. (And the laser beam's for shaving.) > Family Ties is now on which will gently guide me back to reality. Oh, yeah, Michael J. Fox is so much more realistic than Matthew Broderick. It's not like they BOTH had small portions of their brain removed last year or anything. Besides, I think Broderick tends to do more movies which are 100% completely fact-based, like that one where Hannibal Lechter as Dr. Kellogg gave Matthew Broderick a seven-gallon yogurt enema for no reason except that some idiot thought we wanted to see someone get a seven-gallon enema. And then a smart person cast Matthew Broderick. -- K. I used to like him, I really did, but then I saw that movie where the moral was that teaching chimps to fight World War III instead of people is wrong and we should write our congressman to ban the chimp army. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why it does not eat with me? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 23 Aug 1999 05:20:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In news.groups, "bobnik" (bobnik@freemail.it) wrote: > > This is a multi-part message in MIME format. > > ------=_NextPart_000_009C_01BEECC8.7B6E67C0 > Content-Type: text/plain; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable Didn't "Deep Throat" used to post with "Content-Transfer-Encoding: not-for-attribution"? > > > =20 > Why it does not eat with me? > =20 > Just does not interest You an easy and comfortable job with Internet?=20 > For information you write to me.=20 > =20 > bobnik@freemail.it > =20 > Ciao Bob TRY KIBOLOGY! THE ONLY RELIGION THAT WILL EAT WITH YOU! Whoops, I made a type. Please change "with" to "against" and then delete it. > ------=_NextPart_000_009C_01BEECC8.7B6E67C0 > Content-Type: text/html; > charset="iso-8859-1" > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > > > http-equiv=3DContent-Type> > > > >
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face=3DArial> size=3D3>Why it does not eat with me?
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Just does not interest You an easy = > and=20 > comfortable job with Internet?
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For information you write to me.=20 >
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href=3D"mailto:bobnik@freemail.it">bobnik@freemail.it
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Ciao=20 > Bob
> > ------=_NextPart_000_009C_01BEECC8.7B6E67C0-- > > > -- > Posted from mta03-acc.tin.it [212.216.176.34] > via Mailgate.ORG Server - http://www.mailgate.org Ooh, and we got our choice of reading it in Helvetica OR Arial, the two most beautiful typefaces ever. <-- SARCASM IN SANS-SERIF CAPITALS -- K. (That's 2520 in Roman numerals!)