Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sometimes entertainment-industry "news" is very scary indeed. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 02:30:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I've just been informed that William Daniels is running for president of the Screen Actors Guild. You know, that job Ronald Reagan held before he became a governor and then a real president. What's scary about this? If William Daniels becomes president of the Screen Actors Guild... and eventually becomes President of the United States... WE'LL ALL BE RULED BY THE GUY WHO WAS THE VOICE OF THE TALKING CAR ON "KNIGHT RIDER"! It'll be just like Orwell's "1984" except that instead of Big Brother's loud voice coming from the telescreen, we'll have to listen to a soft lisp as Big Brother reminds us to fasten our laser-powered seat belts as little flanges pop out of Florida and California so the country can enter Super Pursuit Mode. -- K. I bet his vice president would be Chuck Wagner from "Automan". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sometimes entertainment-industry "news" is very scary indeed. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 09:06:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Sager" (sager@Flashmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If William Daniels becomes president of the Screen Actors Guild... > > and eventually becomes President of the United States... > > > > It'll be just like Orwell's "1984" except that instead of Big Brother's > > loud voice coming from the telescreen, we'll have to listen to a soft > > lisp as Big Brother reminds us to fasten our laser-powered seat belts > > as little flanges pop out of Florida and California so the country > > can enter Super Pursuit Mode. > > My god!!!1!!! William Daniels played John Adams in both the film and early > Broadway version of 1776!!!1!!! We're doomed to suffer the reign of Debbie > Gibson as 1984 returns in a way that Orwell could never imagine!!1!!! It's even WORSE than you can IMAGINE until I TELL YOU RIGHT NOW! William Daniels wore clown makeup in the two-part episode of "Galactica 1980" in which our heroes from the Battlestar Galactica had to prevent the evil Cylons' plan to conquer the Earth -- which they intended to do just by KIDNAPPING WOLFMAN JACK!!! So not only was it a "Battlestar Galactica" episode, it was from that "Galactica 1980" mutant version that even the "Battlestar Galactica" fans insist was stupid, and it had Wolfman Jack *and* the voice of KITT from "Knight Rider", and KITT WAS WEARING SCARY CLOWN MAKEUP! And THAT is what the world of tomorrow would look like if the election were held today and William Daniels won. -- K. To say nothing of the fact that he was on "St. Elsewhere" with Howie Mandel AND Ed Begley Junior -- the latter also appearing as Ensign Greenbean on "Battlestar Galactica"! NOW MY CONSPIRACY DIAGRAM IS ALL CONNECTED TO ITSELF! YAHTZEE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 2Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 07:35:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Today I had a wonderful time. I awoke thinking about yesterdays laundry > work and that it takes less than a minute to iron T-shirts or polo > shirts, but that it takes a good 5 minutes to iron a white dress Hello, Arch, I am inserting line breaks where I please. Just wanted to let you know that. Now please tell me more about your white dress. > shirt > of polyester mix or permanent press. That oddly a permanent press when > it gets wrinkles takes more time and effort to remove the wrinkles. A > case of where the supposed good feature turns against you, and the > permanent press becomes a tough to remove wrinkles. So I decided > yesterday to never get any clothing that would take so much of my time > to iron and that is wrinkle prone. Have you considered just dipping your body in molten vinyl? On TV? > [...] > > So today, with that on my mind I decided that this transition phase > had not really given me the delightful time of re-assessing, or > consolidating my wardrobe. Meaning that I intended to throw out > clothing that I seldom wore and saw little future use. Oh, yeah, Arch, better just throw it out. You wouldn't want homeless guys dressing up in clothes that used to belong to the King of Science. After all, someone might confuse the homeless people with you, provided that there are any homeless people that crazy. > I had not > consolidated my clothing in the South Dakota cycle That's the problem: Your delicate undies are supposed to be washed on the GENTLE cycle, not the South Dakota cycle. > simply because I did > not have alot of clothing then. So today my first project was to assess > my wardrobe I hear Superman once had to assess his tights when they developed a hole in the butt and he had a spare "S" patch. (I'm sure that could be a pun if we all worked at it. I declare this to be the Internet's first Open Source pun -- all are welcome to contribute ways to improve this pun so that someday perhaps it will function.) > and put all of the tough-to-iron polyester mix into a pile > to throw out. I certainly got my use out of them for I had worn them > for 12 years. Most were a white dress shirt. But then I decided to not > throw out any, thinking that I could use them as work clothes around > the properties. But then anyone seeing me working will see A NAKED CRAZY GUY WHO THREW OUT ALL HIS CLOTHES! > all of these > wrinkles. ESPECIALLY ON YOUR BARE LEGS! > So I compromised and I threw out 75% of the pile and kept 25% > for work clothes. How do you throw out 25% of a pair of pants? Wouldn't the result be half a pant? > These are the throw-outs: Archimedes Plutonium-inspired cartoon rock band name #31: ARCHIE & THE THROW-OUTS > (a) two pairs of green > short-pants (b) 2 polyester mix T-shirts (c) 9 white dress shirts (d) 2 > permanent press shirts (e) 2 coats. What? You threw out your green little pants? What's a King of Science without lots of green gym shorts? > And the fun part of this episode is that since I got rid of alot of > clothes, I could buy a few shirts to replace what was thrown out. The more clothes you throw out, the more you can buy! That's what makes America great! > So I > stopped at the local Hanover sports stores to see if they had any > polar-fleece type shirts on a "clearance sale". I prefer the brand > names of North Face, Columbia, Lowe. And I ended up buying 3 new > polar-fleece types of shirts. Although I hate to be caught wearing one > of these shirts on a nice day like today where the temperatures got > into the 80 degree F. The thing I found bad about my old Patagonia > fleece shirt was that I would often get too hot in it. NOOOO! You got HOT while wearing your winter fuzzy fleece shirt when it was EIGHTY DEGREES? Arch, I think you've forgotten The Zeroth Law Of Thermodynamics: IT'S KIND OF STUPID TO DRESS WARM WHEN IT'S ALREADY TOO HOT. > So I made sure > that I got a full zipper Archimedes Plutonium's famous for having a full zipper and rusty pants. Wait, strike that, reverse it. THERE IS SO MUCH TIME, AND SO FEW "WILLY WONKA" REFERENCES TO MAKE! > and not the pullover type. Oh, those pullover zippers are murder. > And the laundary > instructions on these polar fleece garments are great. Wash, then shake > once or twice and then put it on, and no wrinkles. And after doing his laundary, Archie ate some goulash because he was hungary. > In the South Dakota cycle of 1986-1987, I did not consolidate my > clothes but in this cycle of 1999, I had a need to consolidate in that > too much of my clothes, the shirts especially take too much time in > laundary and in ironing. This problem is acute especially when I travel > to Europe in that the taking of clothing in baggage and wrinkles while > travelling. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't want people in Europe to laugh at you because you're wearing a WRINKLY fleece shirt in eighty-degree weather. Especially because they use Celsius over there, so you'd look super-bozotic wearing a fleece shirt at 80 degrees C. > And I should have realized also that from the start of this > transition phase in May that it would eventually encompass my wardrobe > and that I would re-assess and throw out clothing. > Life is way to short to be spending 5 minutes per white shirt that > can be worn only for one day. Have you considered washing them instead of throwing them out? Or doesn't the Dartmouth campus have clothes washers either? (I know they don't have any automatic dishwashers.) > And it is not that I will get away from > ironing altogether because there is no escape from cotton for comfort > in the summertime. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired futuristic disco sci-fi band name #32: THERE IS NO ESCAPE FROM COTTON > But any of my cotton garments such as polo shirt or > shorts , since they are 100% cotton they iron in a jiffy of less than 1 > minute. I would say that the white dress shirt of polyester mix is an > antique in modern life and that it should be discontinued. You are now the first person who has ever expressed a dislike for polyester. GIVE THAT MAN THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR LATENESS! > I have seen > some T-shirts GIVE THAT MAN THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR HAVING SEEN SOME T-SHIRTS! > that are designed to look like a dress shirt, yet all the > comforts and advantages of a 100% cotton T-shirt. Yeah, those Spencer Gifts shirts are 100% high-quality cotton, no cheap polyester or Indonesian burlap, not at Spencer Gifts, no sir. (Somehow it's refreshing to know that the King of Science likes to wear the Spencer Gifts label. Will we soon see him in an "I'M WITH STUPID" T-shirt? Worn inside out so the arrow points at himself?) > Then, around dinnertime today I was cutting the crab apples that I > had picked off the trees by the library. This experiental is a repeat > of the South Dakota cycle where my farmhouse had about 10 apple trees, > and in autumn I would microwave the apples and add sugar and put > inside a puff pastry and eat in the morning for breakfast. So here I am > repeating that yearly cycle of the fruits and harvest of nature, of > strawberries and asparagus in springtime, vegetables from the garden in > summer, and fruits and nuts in autumn. A natural rythm in sync with > Nature. It is about now when the fresh concord grapes come into > harvest. AND THE GRAPES ARE COMING IN TO HARVEST YOUUUUUUU!!! THE YEAR IS 1999. IN THIS DISTANT WORLD OF THE FUTURE, GRAPES EAT PEOPLE! WHO CAN SURVIVE THE WRATH OF THESE EXTREMELY PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS? ALLEGEDLY COMING SOON TO A THEATER THAT WENT OUT OF BUSINESS LAST WEEK! > [...] > > Now what I need to concentrate upon is to have my websites in order > before I start the tour on 23Sept. Those websites are now my last > remaining chores before I depart New Hampshire for good. September 23? You're leaving September 23? Do you swear on a stack of Bibles that you're leaving September 23? Are you sure you didn't make a typo and mean to say "September 32"? -- K. If only Archimedes Plutonium had written for "Space: 1999", just think how much more imaginative the science would have been. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: MY ORA-is it of god?? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 07:38:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In talk.religion.misc, "alfred hitchcock" (LilSqueeky@webtv.net) wrote: > > I RECENTLY ATTENDED AN ACU-PRESSURE THERAPIST AND SHE WORKED WONDERS ON > MY PAIN , YET WHEN SHE FINISHED THE TREATMENT SHE "CLOSED MY ORA " > BY TRACING MY BODY WITH HER HANDS-ON ALL FOUR CORNERS..im some what > familiar with white majik doctrine , is this the same as that . does > theraputic acu-puncture contain any spiritualism or majik.? She closed your okra? Well, I suppose you don't want your okra dripping okra juice all over the place. It might be a good idea to keep it in tightly-sealed Tupperware marked "WARNING: OKRA" from now on. > keep it real and keep it clean--------> > <------------michael shane-------------> I'll guess that the two lines are ACTUALLY the same length and that you're trying to trick me with your devious optical illusions, Mr. Hitchcock. Did I win? -- K. I am now imagining Alfred Hitchcock introducing an episode of his TV series by demonstrating the evil sponsor's new invention, the WebTV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 3Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 08:28:21 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc and sci.chem, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Today I repeated some actions I had taken in the 1987 cycle of South > Dakota. Oh no! Archie rode his cycle into the Oregon Mystery Vortex and now he's in a time loop and is going to start repeating himself! > I had come used to a rythm of eating foods in season and as the > year goes by, to expect certain foods harvested for that season. One of > the yearly expectations was the apple riping season of about now. IN THE LAWLESS WORLD OF THE FUTURE, VICIOUS GANGS OF FERAL APPLES TEAR PEOPLE LIMB FROM LIMB! BEWARE THE APPLE RIPPING! Archimedes Plutonium-inspired goth rock band name #33: APPLE JACK THE RIPPER > And in South Dakota what I did was make lots of apple sauce for the winter. Here are some math jokes just for Archimedes Plutonium: How do you divide seven apples among six people? You make applesauce! How do you use a barometer to trisect an angle? You make applesauce! What's the square root of negative infinity? You make applesauce! Why was six afraid of seven? You make applesauce! > I cannot do that now, perhaps next year. But what I can repeat is to > take apple slices and add sugar and microwave until mushy and then add > them to a puff pastry shell and eat them for breakfast. That is what I > did today for breakfast. And I still am wondering if microwaved sugar > makes a better dessert. I microwave the sliced apples until they are > about to be mushy, then I add several tablespoons of sugar and > microwave some more until it is very mushy. And then you stuff it into your head until it is very mushy. > Later I add the apples to a puff pastry and with green tea or other tea > have a excellent breakfast. Could someone in chemistry tell me if > microwaving sugar molecules adds more flavor to the sugar? Yes, but only if you microwave sugar molecules, and not just ordinary sugar crystals or sugar cubes. Of course, if microwaving sugar makes it taste better, maybe microwaving your taste buds would make EVERYTHING taste better. > And today I thought that the Neutron and Proton Gods, like in the > movie CLASH OF THE TITANS, were looking down upon Earth and one of the > major Neutron Gods commanded lesser Gods by saying "give Archimedes > Plutonium the best foods whilst in his Transition Phase". I loved that scene where Sir Laurence Olivier said to Harry Hamlin, "GIVE ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM THE BEST FOODS WHILST IN HIS TRANSITION PHASE!" Archimedes Plutonium is the final, greatest creation of Ray Harryhausen! > And the lesser gods dutifully obeying the Zeus Neutron God and like a Mercury > God making the things happen. For today I started off with four puff > pastry shells Yeah, Murcury got his start that way. With four puff pastry shells. Then he worked his way up to delivering flowers. > filled with sweetened-crab-apples along with green tea. > Then for lunch I had the finest scrambled eggs, with red-hot blue corn > tortilla chips and Fred Imus (name and spelling??) brand mild salsa, "Don Imus". You're welcome. > and a tossed salad with Marie's Thousand Island dressing (my favorite), > and fresh squeezed lemonade. For dinner I had a red potato microwaved > with butter, sour creme & chives, and pepper, and slices of dried > beef, and fresh picked green and wax beans and butter, Arch, I keep telling you, they're not wax beans if they have wicks and you picked them off a birthday cake. > and Journey's Desert Sage root beer, and desert of a cranberry strudel > and a bar of marzipan Sarotti chocolate and more green tea. Then you had to sell your authentic Native American dwelling because you almost drowned in your teepee. > Question, is there a difference in flavor between the red potatoes > and the white potatoes? So far I have been unable to detect any > difference in taste. Then you MUST be crazy, because all of us here on the Internet agree that they taste completely different. Isn't that right, everyone? > I do find the red potato comes out nicer from the microwave in that > it is thoroughly cooked through. Um, Arch, you do know that when you cook the big white taters, you can set the timer for slightly longer than for the little pink taters, right? > And I want to share my secret of making the finest scrambled eggs. I > like to use a paper cup to make. SWOOSH! SUPER NEW SCIENTIFICALLY-ENHANCED KONTEXT-AWAY SCRUBS AWAY CONTEXT! +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | "I like to use a paper cup to make." | | -- Archimedes Plutonium | | | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ > I use two eggs only I use one yellow > and throw away the other yellow. Thus my scrambled eggs appear whiter. I always thought your scrambled eggs were kind of grayish, and attached to the top of your spinal cord. But I'll take your word for it. > I then add a little water and then the secret to the best scrambled > eggs is to add about a tablespoon or more of powdered Carnation milk or > powdered cream if available. The powder vice the liquid cream takes up > much of the water moisture so the final product is not watery. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired Jan Hammer synthesizer band name #34: POWDER VICE > And the powder somehow helps the eggs fluff. Stir until uniform. I always wondered how the "scrambled eggs" got onto the admiral's uniform cap. > Now find a large plate to set the cup onto and a small plate to use as > a lid on the paper cup. The large plate is to protect the microwave glass > from the falling small plate when the eggs are done. Then microwave on high > for 1 minute and it should be about halfway cooked and take out and > stir vigorously and put back into the microwave to finish the cooking. > Set the microwave for another 1 minute on high. What will happen is > that the eggs will puff up so much that the eggs will knock the small > plate off of the cup. When this happens the eggs are done NO, REALLY? > and you must take them out immediately because now the eggs have puffed > way out of the cup. They will shrink a little but not much because of that > cream in the eggs. Add a tab of butter and a pinch of pepper. These eggs are > the best fluffy eggs in the world. If you are going to cook eggs my > style, be sure to have a plate underneath the cup or else the falling > small plate will break your microwave glass. Wouldn't it be easier, and less messy, to just microwave the eggs with the shells still on, and let them explode? (Tune in tomorrow for another episode of "A Professional Dishwasher Teaches You How To Cook In A Disposable Cup!") > And for fish, when I microwave cod, which often pops and explodes, Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno-movie incidental music band name #35a: ARCHIE'S EXPLODING COD PIECE > what I do is put the cod on one plate and take another plate and put it > upside down. You see, microwaves go right through porceloin. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno-movie incidental music band name #35b: ARCHIE'S EXPLODING PORK-A-LOIN > Thus the cod is between two plates and should it explode or pop, the > covering plate confines it all. All the BEST chefs know that the goal of cooking fish is to make it explode. > I must say that in my youth, my mind was never so much thinking about > foods and what I ate. I think my appetite for good foods increased at > the age of about 40 to 45. I cannot remember ever in my youth after I > was adopted of ever going to bed and thinking about what food I will > eat tomorrow. From age 16 to 40, I was never really concerned about > food. I never had that sort of appetite in my youth. I do remember that > I generally had a snack of cereals of puffed wheat or puffed rice > before bedtime to fill me up. Arch, if puffed rice can fill you up, you're REALLY underweight. (I mean, I've eaten puffed rice without milk as a snack sometimes too, but I find that I can eat about ten bowls without feeling full. The only foods with a higher percentage of air would be dehydrated snow or maybe a big bowl of Ivory flakes. I admit that I also like puffed rice for no reasons that I can understand, but puffed rice is nothing to write home about. That's what the Internet's for. If it's not worth writing home, write to everyone else.) > But never a appetite and thought for what > I was going to enjoy for lunch or dinner the next day. My answer to > that has been to watch what I eat and to run as exercise as much as > possible. > > Tomorrow I should write about, so I do not forget, I should write > about the For Sale list, and whether if I had it to do over again, that > is come to New Hampshire in 1988 and by 1991 start to buy and amass a > large library of about 100-200 books CDs VCRs. To buy 4 bicycles when a > person only needs 1. And to have bought what I had bought in the time > period of 1991 through 1998, only to see me sell most of it in 1999. A > reminder because I was thinking of this many times in the past 4 months > but did not commit any of those thoughts to writing. Oh, yeah, future generations will mourn the loss and will have to console themselves with the knowledge that you like puffed rice, and that I responded by saying I also liked puffed rice but it's nothing to write to the future about. -- K. Ever get the feeling Archie's whole goal in life is to put all his rants into a big time capsule marked "TO BE OPENED IN FIVE MINUTES, BY EVERYONE IN THE WORLD"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 3Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 04:26:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Inky 'the' McOid" (bodhisattva@mindless.com) wrote: > > Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > > > HOLY JINGOISM! JOSEPH MCCARTHY VERSION KONTEXT-AWAY CAN SPOT > CARD-CARRYING COMMUNISTS IN ANY GIVEN NEWSGROUP AT ANY GIVEN TIME! > > > The reds taste much better... > > COMMUNISTS *NEVER* TASTE BETTER, ORANGE JULIUS ROSENBERG! > KONTEXT-AWAY RETURNS TO THE LAND OF TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY! I would also pause to stuff Chris's comestibles into The Obvious Lunch Bag, because it's obvious that anything red tastes better than anything not red. Witness: GOOD! BAD! ----------------------- ------------------------- Red licorice -- Black licorice Cherry Pez -- Lemon Pez Red raspberries -- Black raspberries Red blackberries -- Black blackberries Red Maraschino cherries -- Green Maraschino cherries Red M&Ms -- Doot-brown M&Ms I have now proven my theory and it is unassailable by all your best arguments. Therefore, I deserve an edible red Nobel prize. Sincerely, Eudispensides Pezyum. -- K. My name isn't REALLY Eudispensides Pezyum. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,talk.religion.misc,sci.chem From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 3Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 04:20:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In talk.religion.misc and sci.chem, > > Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > tortilla chips and Fred Imus (name and spelling??) brand mild salsa, > > > > "Don Imus". You're welcome. > > Fred makes the hot sauce. His brother Don talks about it on the > radio and MSNBC. Woooooo, Archimedes Plutonium just trollerized Chris Franks! Okay, so I helped a little. > > > Question, is there a difference in flavor between the red potatoes > > > and the white potatoes? So far I have been unable to detect any > > > difference in taste. > > > > Then you MUST be crazy, because all of us here on the Internet agree > > that they taste completely different. Isn't that right, everyone? > > That certainly is right, especially if you cook them with the skins on, > for maximum vitamins and minerals. The reds taste much better... > mmmmm, potatoier! I just ate a whole bag of -- I am not making this up -- blue potato chips. Okay, they say they're blue chips, but they're really deep purple. Like the color of the inside of "blue"berries. They tasted pretty normal, but now my stomach hurts. I paid extra for them because they were a gross color. > > The only foods with a higher percentage of air would be dehydrated > > snow or maybe a big bowl of Ivory flakes. > > Is this the kind of food that dishwashers eat? Well, Archie has been known to foam at the mouth... > According to the calendar used in the U.S.A. and many other countries: > The 1st century began 1 January, 1 A.D. and ended on 31 December, 100. > The 2nd century began 1 January, 101, and ended on 31 December, 200. > The 20th century began 1 January 1901, and will end 31 December, 2000. > The 21st century will begin on 1 January, 2001. I like puffed rice and today I saw a cat. Now change the subject again. -- K. I actually don't like puffed rice very much, it's just that saying "I don't like puffed rice" would be UNINTERESTING. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 3Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 22:51:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just ate a whole bag of -- I am not making this up -- blue potato chips. > > Okay, they say they're blue chips, but they're really deep purple. > > Like the color of the inside of "blue"berries. > > > > They tasted pretty normal, but now my stomach hurts. > > Uh oh. > > I just called ahead to the hospital for you. > > You're welcome. I am happy to say that I suffered no aftereffects except for some massive gas. And, thank the lord, it wasn't blue. By the way, the other thing I bought at that market, the only other thing, was a big bag of dried blueberries. There should be markets that carry nothing but blue foods. -- K. WHY THE HELL ISN'T THERE BLUE PEZ? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 3Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 02:19:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [re Archimedes Plutonium's recipes for partially-melted sugar and exploding cod] Roman A Kresinski (kresinski@zdnetmail.com) wrote: > > (He puts his finger on my weakness every time. I can't help it. I'm > going to do it. It's the last time, I swear) > > Archie, microwaved sugar indeed makes an excellent dessert - especially > in sugar season (I'm sure you know that South Dakota has a fifth season > characterised by a certain food and, frankly, there'd be no point in > talking to you if you didn't). Here, some of my parents have a plum tree > which disgorges so much fruit - it's only a small tree, too - that the > locals have renamed the month Redcurrant as Plum. The local supermarket > burned down the same day for selling okra. Say it ain't so! Okra is the most wonderful vegetable there is, including the five-sided kind, the seven-sided kind, the smooth kind, the ridgy kind, and the super-giant Chinese not-actually-okra kind that can grow several feet long. This is a list of all the vegetables in the world, in descending order of total super awesomeness: 1. Okra. 2. Eggplant. 3. Celery. 4. Onions. 5. Big peas. 6. Little peas. 7. Everything else. 8. Asafetida. If the supermarket were to spontaneously combust for any reason, it should be for having too much asafetida. Even if it didn't have any. If you have no asafetida, you still have too much asafetida. > We on the Isles are holistic. We don't have Neutron Gods because we > know Archimedes also contained some protons. Remember the episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" where they run the Enterprise through a back-to-front "baryon sweep" to remove all the icky ol' baryons from it? I'm starting to wonder if Archie Pu has already removed all the baryons from his brain, leaving nothing but a thin plasma of electrons and other lame little particles. > We beware of Microwave Harpies, who are all mad. We know there's a > difference between the flavour of different sorts of potatoes just by > tasting them. Wait... your potatoes have flavor? > We know electrons. We are in touch with our local seasons, and by > Neutron your diet and - well, flakiness - speaks to me of deep, deep > trouble for you, my lad. You may soon become unable to post like you > used to. The simplest remedy is to come and live under a small stone > on the Faeroe Islands, which have only one season, for reasons of the > Simple Life and Wholesomeness. You will soon become used to the diet. > I know you know what I mean. I want to move to an island where there is nothing except No Asafetida. > Sorry that your Transition Phase has curtailed the Usenet film - I bet > you'd personally have played my character, as well as yourself, for added > authenticity - and I hope you indeed soon get another chance at coming to > NH in 1988 and buying fewer bikes. Even you admit that buying two bikes > per buttock and 50 VCR's per eye is a little eccentric. How many pairs of > automatic shirts do you own? Wow. Thanks for the scrambled egg tips. I > can, like most people, immediately see what a nuisance food can be to > fluffiness and colour, and water to driness. We all need more than one > yolk, even just for throwing. I'll read about the cod soon. Did you get > any feedback from alt.religion.misc? I think Archie should move to Cape Cod and microwave it until it explodes. > Archimedes Plutonium wrote again: > > > Today I > > [snip] > > > did not commit any of those thoughts to writing. Hey! You [snip]ped the boring part! You're no fun any more. -- K. Just once I'd like to post a message in Morse code represented by sequences of [snip] and [expletive deleted] and then nobody would be able to censor me any further. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Jumpin' Jupiter Effect! (5/5/2000 alignment) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 08:38:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.astro, Kurt Foster (kfoster@rmi.net) wrote: > > According to one picture of the situation on May 5, 2000, the planets > Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn will pretty well line up on ONE > side of Mr. Sun; and Earth will be in a line with all of them, over on the > OTHER side of Mr. Sun, sort of like this: > > / / / / / / \ \ \ \ \ \ > Sa Ju Ma ( V Me S ) ) E ) ) ) > \ \ \ \ \ \ / / / / / / Hey, when did angle brackets in HTML get so big? -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My next fQQlish purchase Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 08:47:49 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > The next step in making your phone service more annoying is just about to > hit us here, so I'll warn you as a public service. > > We're getting Area Code Overlays. > > See, we have to add new area codes around here about every 12 hours. So > the phone company has decided that it's too much hassle to actually > geographically split the areas up into smaller ones, because that would > involve actual work, and besides, in a few days the typical size of an > area code would be about four square feet. > > So next year, my area code (650) is getting another one (764). What does seven do with his trained four when a burglar breaks in? SEVEN SICS FOUR!!! HA HA HA HA! Math jokes are the funniest kind! If Lenny Bruce had lived, he'd be doing math jokes today! > OK, so no big deal, this area now has *two* area codes. So if I sign up for > a new phone line in my house (what an obsolete concept), my second line > might be in 764. OK, still no big deal. > > The annoyance here is that *all phone calls must be dialed with all > ten digits from now on* (actually, 11, since dialing the 1 will be > mandatory too). Even when I call other phone numbers in 650. We no > longer have the concept of 7 digit phone numbers. > > They must be doing this just to be irritating. I'm sure there's some > incredibly high quality technical reason for it, but I don't care. > > So be sure to complain to your phone company now, in advance, before they > try to sneak this one in on you. They're not doing it that way here. Here's how our area code overlays work: You're given a sheet of clear plastic with some lines on it, like: ## # ## # # # # # # # # ##### # and if you friend has one that says: #### # # ### # # # # # # ### then you can overlay then to get: ## # ###### # ## # #### # # # # # # # # # # #### ##### # ...and you can call that person from your half of the area code. But you cannot call anyone else unless their half of an area code when matched up with your half makes an actual area code and not just some random scribbles. This is also to help ensure that blind people stop enjoying telephones as much as sighted people do. That's a big problem for the evil phone company. BLIND PEOPLE SHOULD NOT HAVE IT SO EASY, GETTING AWAY WITH JUST USING THEIR MOUTH AND EARS! -- K. The phone company knows that most of them are just PRETENDING to be blind so they can boss us around! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GreaseShield Greasetrap Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 09:25:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.food.sushi, alt.food.taco-bell, alt.food.veg, and alt.food.veg.ted-altar, Terence Haughian (sales@greaseshield.freeserve.co.uk) tried to advertise: > > "We've no problems with the drains in the kitchen... > > ...but we have a bit of a problem with a bad smell in the toilets" > > This quote was given to us by the service manager of the first > hotel that we installed our GreaseShield unit into. WOW! SIGN ME UP FOR A HEAPING HELPING OF THE THING WHICH KEEPS GREASE OUT OF THE SINK WHILE MAKING MY TOILET REEK OF VILE ODORS! > To find out how > we cured his problem and many others visit our web site at > > www.greaseshield.freeserve.co.uk I really like the "Virtual Reality" section of the Web page where you can see the grease trap in 3-D. And go strolling through it. (Folks, I swear I am not making this up.) > or if you would prefer to talk to one of our staff email us with your > details to > > sales@greaseshield.freeserve.co.uk Not to be confused with GreaseServe FreeShield, which is a soft ice cream dispenser filled with axle grease AND a feminine maxi-pad all in one. -- K. Such copywriting. I can't wait to see the TV commercial these people produce. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Color-coded food Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 09:31:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Paul Guertin (pg@sff.net) wrote: > > I like it when food comes color-coded to tell you which parts > are edible and which parts are not. But... there's no such thing as inedible food. I think you have a non-food item stuck to the lollipop that you picked up from the sidewalk. > I don't like it when the brown part is labeled "Eat?". This is because chocolate is always sometimes edible, but vanilla is not always usually edible. -- K. What are you eating, and where can I get some? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hu-doo Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 09:40:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > From Harpers Magazine, November 1998, page 48: Oh, great, now I feel like I'm at the dentist's office. Thanks for bumming me out, Mister Guy With Magazines I Wouldn't Read Even If They Were Less Than A Year Old. > 'The true origin of "biosolid" can be traced back to a Name Change Task > Force created by the sewage industry to improve the image of its main > product, sludge. In 1990, the task force sponsored a contest to come up > with a more marketable name. Rejected candidates include "all growth," > "purenutri," "biolife," "bioslurp," "black gold," "geoslime," > "sca-doo," "the end product," "humanure," "hu-doo," "bioresidue," > "urban biomass," "powergro," "organite," and "nutricake." ' Here are the ones I would have submitted: "potsie" "durt" ("DURT IS TURD SPELLED BACKWARDS! INCORRECTLY!") "dot-compost" "better than sludge" "doidybang" "dingleburgers" "Hershey's bear hugs" "spasta" "mello smello" and... "poutine" -- K. P.S. Also, I would t and without using m in a zeppelin und Public Library. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hu-doo Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 09:53:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > Rejected candidates [for happier names for sewage] include "all growth," > "purenutri," "biolife," "bioslurp," "black gold," "geoslime," > "sca-doo," "the end product," "humanure," "hu-doo," "bioresidue," > "urban biomass," "powergro," "organite," and "nutricake." ' I already posted some, but I keep thinking of more: putria reverse Twinkies shlurry The Unflop Crapple moo-out antifood rooti-doot syrup de dollop derfudge goobie enviro-poo Cream of Crap duriend -- K. "It's not objectionable, it's objection-ABLE!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hu-doo Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 10:04:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > Rejected candidates [for happier names for sewage] include "all growth," > "purenutri," "biolife," "bioslurp," "black gold," "geoslime," > "sca-doo," "the end product," "humanure," "hu-doo," "bioresidue," > "urban biomass," "powergro," "organite," and "nutricake." ' HELP! I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF MORE MARKETABLE NAMES FOR SEWAGE! plopsie daisies Mr. Sewage colonade dayspoiler asterisk-outage (just for Vonnegut fans) applop slatherousness googleyuk Count Crapula dinglestuff I Can't Believe It's Not Sewage -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hu-doo Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 10:17:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > Rejected candidates [for happier names for sewage] include [...] HELP, I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT SEWAGE NAMES THAT SHOULD BE TEST-MARKETED! don't-dont did-did pisselle Everything Brown shitroma detri-trust renewage turboturdo fertiTRUTHzer personure funilizer man-zoni runner-down solidew Captain Shitner -- K. I should be in marketing. I should be in marketing at a company that makes nothing but nicely-packaged sewage. And I will give an imaginary dollar to the first person who gets the "man-zoni" reference. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hu-doo Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 10:28:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > Rejected candidates [for names for sewage...] MY BRAIN JUST WON'T STOP HELPING IMPROVE THE WORD "SEWAGE"! poodling pism dunglop poo-poo-poo Smucker's power puh choo-choo trainage MOMMY, I DID IT ALL BY MYSELF!(tm) doidelivery USDA Grade Z cash-EWWW nuts gunky doo free-seez unmentionable shit THE END! If I think of any more I will destroy them without posting them, in order to keep such weaponry out of the marketing arsenal of the sewage factories. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hu-doo Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 03:49:19 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry ( kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > MY BRAIN JUST WON'T STOP HELPING IMPROVE THE WORD "SEWAGE"! > > > > [snip list] > > I can't believe you didn't think of "McSewage". I would like to say I thought of it but didn't post it because it was too disgusting, but that would be a lie. These are the ones I didn't post because they are so gross that I will never post them: gyuk The World's Worst Taffy durheyness poopito hummmus septickle polyploptic gel septac-toe bennyhill remanufactured food The Uncleaner stinkle poolong tea effluenza contaminatural flushery felgerkarb orsonout human hockey P.E.E.Y.E.W. tetritus (video-game tie-in) fertigeyser New Chunky Style Water poopsicle intestinal fortitude intestinal fortiturd triarrhea Pigs Love It! special soup organicrap tud nonradioactive waste poocumber This is what galoshes are for. sewage cheese Fully Undigested Chewed Kernels slawage Pampers, Schmampers! crement hoopy-doo scooby-doo X-Creme!!!! Alka-Sewer fudge factorization whattle & daub YUMmentionable I Like Poo! Number 2000 Wow, That Looks Like It Tasted Good Last Week! colonicicles swirldown goodflop diaperoxide Toilet's Be Friends Meat By-Products rectumission fudjesus The Remainder Enough of That Would Spoil Any Wedding! unlinkable sausage Hey, There Go My Car Keys! If I think of any others I don't want to mention, I'll let you know what they are so that you can remind me not to mention them. After all, it may only be unmentionable until it's renamed "asafetida". -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hu-doo Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 03:45:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (on the topic of consumer-friendly names for sewage) Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > You left out "Archie's Pu". And I also left out: nutri-loaf bowloney rebarf turdles flotspam Beef Two ...but I don't hear you complaining about that. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I wish there was a consumer product with this name. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 4 Sep 1999 09:59:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | | | | | | | "HAMBURGER HITLER." | | | | | | | | | +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ -- K. I had to put a box around it because nobody likes handfuls of loose Hamburger Hitler. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo's new look Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 03:54:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Exactly which king's heart is ground up in ever batch of > > Garanimals corduroy? > > It's very hard to explain Garanimals to today's youth. "Imagine all Nike clothes come only in Crips colors and all Adidas clothes come only in Bloods colors. So, depending on whether you're a Crip or a Blood, just shop in the right half of Sears and all your clothes will go together just like a prominent fashion designer's running your gang." -- K. Also, iBook owners are required by law to shop at the Gap, and people on the original "Star Trek" are required to shop in the Bauhaus. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: French turkeys invade McDonald's in hormone protest Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 04:21:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor l'Agence France-Presse wrote: > > Subject: French turkeys invade McDonald's in hormone protest WATCH OUT! ANGRY TURKEYS WITH HOT FLASHES! > PARIS, Sept 4 (AFP) - Dozens of angry French farmers released > live chickens, turkeys, geese and ducks in a McDonald's restaurant > in a southern French town Saturday in protest at what they called > "the American hormone beef diktat." ALL HAIL EVIL DIKTATOR RONALD MkDONALD! "Do you want diktatoes with that?" > In the northern seaside resort of Deauville, where a Festival of > American Film is in full swing, farmers stole the thunder of James > Bond star Pierce Brosnan, filling the town with an entire farmful of > livestock from all over Normandy. > Their beef: a US surcharge on French products because Europe > refuses to import hormone-treated beef. > "Hormone Beef Go Home," one placard read. > While Brosnan was in the casino holding a press conference to > present his new movie "Thomas Crown," Casinos have the BEST beef. Ever seen one of those forty-eight-ounce steaks they serve for two dollars? Those forty-eight ounce steaks have at LEAST six ounces of meat! > Farmers' Confederation spokesman Francois Dufour was busy outside > haranguing the beach crowd on the alleged evils of the World Trade > Organisation (WTO) and then went on and on about what bozos Vince McMahon and Ted Turner are. > trade liberalisation. > To the sound of cattle lowing, sheep bleating, ducks quacking > and geese honking, Dufour inveighed against "the multinationals who > are transforming farming into industrial agriculture." > At Salon de Provence in southern France, some 50 men and women > let loose barnyard fowl at a MacDonalds then distributed apples to > customers. This "Free PCs" thing is getting out of hand if you can get iMacs at McDonalds. Even at a McDonalds that can't spell its own name. > They also expressed solidarity with Jose Bove, charismatic head > of the Farmers' Confederation now in custody for smashing up a > McDonalds restaurant under construction. > At the southeast town of Saint-Etienne-les-Remiremont about 50 > farmers set up shop offering an alternative menu of Munster cheese, > fruit and smoked pork. smoked pork, also called "smork" for short. Dear Saint-Etienne-hyphen-Rouette, Please explain why Quebecois smoked meat sandwiches are better than American "loose meat" sandwiches. > The US sanctions, with WTO backing, are an attempt to force the > European Union to back down on an import ban on American > hormone-treated beef. > The EU argues that the ban is necessary because preliminary > research shows the hormones are potentially cancer-causing, a claim > rejected in the United States. > French Roquefort cheese, Dijon mustard, foie gras, French and > Italian truffles, German and Danish pork and Italian tomatoes have > all been included in the US sanctions. Oh, yeah, now the average American will buy a hundred pounds of DOMESTIC truffles every year! > The US is seeking talks with European officials in a bid to find > a rapid solution to the trade row, the US embassy in Paris said > Wednesday. > The embassy statement said "it was only as a last resort that > the United States imposed customs restrictions on a series of > European products." They really wanted to just impose them on Antactican products, but those mean people over there in that country named Europe forced them to put a steep tax on foie gras and truffles, which is the only reason that foie gras and truffles cost more than marshmallows. > Farmers' leader Bove was arrested on August 19 after > demonstrators smashed up a construction site for a new McDonald's > restaurant in Millau, southeast France. > In Millau a solidarity committee supporting Bove decided to > stand bail of 16,000 euros (17,000 US dollars) for his release from > custody. Bove had originally refused to pay bail and decided to stay > in prison. ...until the prison food service was replaced with McDonalds. -- K. Quotes which may be of some use now: "MMM, BEEFY!" "I FRY MINE IN BUTTER!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Last day? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 04:42:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > I just realized that there isn't much funny about my moving experience > yet. Except that we found a dead bee in my apartment, which apparently > hadn't yet been cleaned as much as I'd like to have thought. The bee > becomes less funny both after the music-related puns my mother and > my friend exchanged, but after a small shard of glass was found. You could have saved all that trouble with new "Dead Bee Unfunnier In A Can"! This eezee-to-use aerosol spray contains no chlorofluorocarbons (once it evaporates) and can make any dead bee up to 50% less funny than a regular dead bee. Scientific tests prove it -- DEAD BEES ARE SIGNIFICANTLY LESS HILARIOUS AFTER JUST ONE CAN-FUL! Not for use near people. Do not come within five hundred feet of can while spraying. Well, the length of your arms if your OWN problem, Mr. Smarty Pants With Short Arms! Send money now! > We also moved a small futon in my room. A small futon with a really > thin mattress, hard to sleep on. Probably even more difficult to do > other things on IYKWIM. Even if it takes up way less space, but my > room is large enough to support a real bed and a computer desk. There > is a real bed in the other room that I'll try to get. It's a little > worn on the side because my brother used it as his main chair as > well. And maybe he used it for other things, If You Know What I Mean. I'd suggest keeping it in a plastic bag while you sit on it. HEY, NICK BENSEMA, SIT ON IT! Maybe you could keep it inside that inflatable South Park chair. Also note that, unlike you ''cool'' people, I don't abbreviate "If You Know What I Mean" because "W" takes three times as long to say as "What". Test it for yourself -- get a stopwatch and yell "HEY!" at people and time how long it takes them to say "What?" and how long you have to keep pestering them before they say "W!" and then you'll have your two data points. The only two data points you'll ever need. NEW DATA POINTS IN A DRUM! ORDER NOW! > I also got suckered into a mobile phone. with AirTouch. Which > means if I get a cable modem, I don't need a home phone. But it > also means I'm on a weird calling plan, I'm more or less committed > for a year, and it doesn't have a lot of the perks my parents said > it would have. My dad picked it out for me this morning. Well, > the decision is made now and they're paying for a great deal of it > so I can't complain....BUT I MUST! This means that now when you call the ladies, you can say, "Hey, guess where I'm calling you from!" and they'll be really surprised when you say "From home -- in my NEW APARTMENT!" (If they ask whether your parents also moved into the new apartment with you, hang up. There are plenty of other female numbers you can call in your local phone book.) > And apparently there is Internet access at the library. Whether > I can telnet there, I don't know because that's something I let my > parents check too. You also need to have your parents check whether the library has comfortable chairs designed for scientists in front of the public computers, so that you'll know whether you'll have to bring your futon while you're telling us about the Universe being a talking plutonium atom. > So basically I still haven't been alone at my new place just yet. > And yet most of my stuff is over there, though my VCR, monitor, > and computer is still here. I'm hardly making any decisions on my > own, and I'm still having to be extra-quiet as I type this at my > parents' house because someone is asleep. I feel all disjointed > and disconnected, and I don't know where i'll be sleeping tonight. I know where you'll be sleeping tonight -- SOMEWHERE IN THE BOTTOM HALF OF A ROOM, UNLESS IT HAS BUNK BEDS. Did I win? You can send my prize to my work address, unless I won, in which case send the cash equivalent. > I always assumed that moving out would be smoother than this, that > decisions would be easier, or at least that my decisions would be > final some of the time. Actually, my sovereignty wasn't in question > to the point that I took it for granted; mostly I thought about > playing music at a reasonable volume and playing Quake with really > low pings and, of course, bringing girls home without any external > factors to account for. You wouldn't say that about external factors if you had A LARGE SCARY SCAR ACROSS YOUR FACE, Mr. Internal Factors Guy. > See? NOTHING FUNNY. And I left out a lot of stuff which was even > less funny. Oh, come on, there's NOTHING less funny than having a big scary scar across your face. SHAPED LIKE A SWASTIKA! No, wait, that was Morton Downey Junior, not you. And the arresting officers accidentally wiped the scar off his face so he went into the bathroom to re-draw it but then one of the spokes was going the wrong way. (Whatever happened to that nitwit after he tried to pretend that vicious invisible hooligans doodled on him? I remember he did a public service announcement about how he had lung cancer -- I think the moral was something like "DON'T BE MORTON DOWNEY JUNIOR, OR YOU'LL GET LUNG CANCER" -- but otherwise, since then, even Ronald Reagan has been seen in public more often.) > AND YET I MUST POST BECAUSE I CAN'T FIND ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF. From now on, I will express myself only through rearranging the planets of the Solar System to spell out giant Braille letters. Expect my first sentence to be completed sometime after we solve the Year 9999 Problem. > I'm blaming US West. Their shoddy phone lines and long waiting list > are the reason I'm getting a cell phone and a cable modem; these two > things will be the most likely reason in the near future that I'll > shout "WHAT THE HELL?" while reading a bill. Someday linguists will award "What the hell?" honorary sentence status and then it'll be okay to say it around librarians. There are LOTS of words I wish you could say around librarians. -- K. Except the ones at the George Carlin Memorial Library. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Last day? Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 23:47:38 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com B. Chas Parisher (bang@netcom.com) wrote: > > Short Shameful Confession: To get around my university's "no telnet > from the library" policy, I used a backdoor to access the main modem > switchboard and remotely dialed out to my favorite ISP or back to the > university's dialup service. > > It was sick. It was slow. It wasn't 8-bit clean. But dagnabbitall > it worked. Slightly less short shameful confession: Today I ordered (a) a combination Internet router/proxy server/firewall box and (b) a three-port print-server so that I can put all my gadgets on the Ethernet (thanks to M. Otis Beard sending me that gigantic Intel hub) and then they can all print to up to three printers at the same time while sharing Internet access through the firewall that will keep the rest of you people away from my sensitive private parts of the network. HA! I JUST TROLLERIZED SOMEONE INTO REACHING WHAT THEY THINK IS A CAN OF KONTEXT-AWAY, WHICH IS REALLY A WACKY NOVELTY ITEM THAT WILL SQUIRT THEM IN THE EYE! So, anyway, my bedroom could someday look like this: Up to three printers \ | / \ | / <--Upside-down Atari logo for fun currently 56k ||| analog modem, print server proposed wireless zone eventually maybe DSL | (probably not going to exist) | | | V | V +---------------------------+ <-(modem)--(router)--| giant 10/100 Ethernet Hub |--(AirPort) . . . (laptop) +---------------------------+ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | <--hypothetical cables | | | | | | | | | | | | | of many colors (chair) Up to a dozen or so computers if I go insane and decide I need ten more | \ (lava lamp) (deadly | <--SCSI cable \__________ halogen | \ lamp) (CD-R)---(scanner)---(bitter gourd plant climbing on wires) \ video cable --> \ (bed) (television, (Weight-Saving Device) VCR, etc.) Now, I don't have three printers, or a dozen computers, but I feel it's important to leave room for future expansion because, well, if I had a dozen computers and three printers, I'd need a place to put them. Plus the cheapest print server that can do what I want comes with two extra ports. (The router is in there because I wanted to have two computers on the same Internet connection at the same time, even if it's just a wimpy little 56k connection. Plus it means I don't need to use the abominable little modem built into my laptop.) -- K. There's a house down the street that has a bitter gourd vine in the front yard. My vines are much, much bigger, but theirs has an actual bitter gourd fruit on it. I'm glad mine doesn't. Have you ever tasted one of those? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Last day? Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 00:19:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I just wrote: > > Today I ordered (a) a combination Internet router/proxy server/firewall box > and (b) a three-port print-server so that I can put all my gadgets on > the Ethernet [...] I forgot to mention: The print server I ordered (which is severely backordered, according to "Data Comm Warehouse" which has exactly the same phone number as "Micro Warehouse" and "Mac Warehouse" for some SECRET reason) has the following SQQPER-KQQL features: 1.) It's compatible with OS/2 1.3, OS/2 Warp, OS/2 Warp Connect, Lantastic, NetWare Bindery, BULL (including BOS), VMS, MVS, VM, VSE, SNMP-MIB II, AAPR, RTMP, ZIP (no relation), PROS, IGMP, TBCP, RIP, LIP, and about a zillion other operating systems and protocols that haven't been within ten miles of my computer, ever. But it's nice to know that if I ever install a VMS mainframe in my home I can still print to my cheap printer. 2.) It can print barcodes in a device-independent way with a simple command! Just great for those situations where you want to print a barcode when you don't know what brand of printer you own! 3.) You can program it to replace certain strings with certain other strings for all print jobs. This means I could program it to change the words "Bob Hope" to "Mr. Peanut", and nobody would ever be able to use my printer to mention Bob Hope again! 4.) Not only can it be configured via my Web browser, or a Java applet, or a FTP connection, or the Chooser, or telnet, but it can also be configured via "reverse telnet"! Apparently this means that you push words into your screen and then the keyboard rearranges to spell out messages. Or something. Nobody seems to know what "reverse telnet" is, but this gadget can do it just in case someday someone figures out what to do with it. 5.) It's shaped like the front half of the talking car from "Knight Rider", except that it doesn't have a roving red light, a sissy voice, or David Hasselhoff. Also it has a Mean Time Between Failure of 20 years, whereas "Knight Rider" failed many times. Especially in the writing department. 6.) It's not made of translucent bile-green plastic like all other small peripherals are now, just in case you want your office print server to match a two-year-old iMac. I was going to order a Hewlett-Packard print server, but this one's slightly cheaper and it does a lot more stuff. And besides, HP doesn't give out a gigantic technical manual that tells me about "packet burst architecture featuring a zero-copy network DMA structure" and other fun phrases that would sound even funnier if LeVar Burton said them on "Star Trek". -- K. "Captain, we're experiencing a high rate of packet collisions!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A Perfect Evening. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 5 Sep 1999 06:06:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm drinking a fake Dr Pepper made by HunWinLuck Corporation (Taiwan) while watching "Hercules In New York" starring Arnold Strong (who sounds oddly like Speed Racer slowed down) and the apartment smells like flowers because my bitter gourd plant is blooming happily. It's a perfect evening here in Wackyville. -- K. The bitter gourd plant smells great until you touch it. Then it releases deadly toxins into the air. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: a.r.k PARTY-LIKE EVENT (Sept. 11) important info! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 04:17:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A reminder: If you want to come to the Party-Like Event I'm hosting on the 11th, please send mail (kibo@world.std.com will work for this) as to when you'll arrive in Boston, where you'll be staying (if you know), etc., because if you're going to show up a day early or stay all weekend or something it would be nice to get some groups together and visit some silly museums or something. For the party proper, it would be best if you showed up at any time from 4:00PM to 9:00PM on Saturday the 11th. (After 9, we might go out to dinner or something...) See the URL below for full directions and a photo of the building showing how to find the front door. http://www.kibo.com/party Any other directions or stuff I think of will be posted there, so memorize that URL in case you need to look at it from your wireless WebTV while you're on the road. -- K. All are welcome, especially if they bring strange snack foods to share, small gifts for Kibo, or photos of stupid orange cones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: a.r.k PARTY-LIKE EVENT (Sept. 11) important info! (REPOST) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 05:36:46 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor A reminder: If you want to come to the Party-Like Event I'm hosting on the 11th, please send mail (kibo@world.std.com will work for this) as to when you'll arrive in Boston, where you'll be staying (if you know), etc., because if you're going to show up a day early or stay all weekend or something it would be nice to get some groups together and visit some silly museums or something. For the party proper, it would be best if you showed up at any time from 4:00PM to 9:00PM on Saturday the 11th. (After 9, we might go out to dinner or something...) See the URL below for full directions and a photo of the building showing how to find the front door. http://www.kibo.com/party Any other directions or stuff I think of will be posted there, so memorize that URL in case you need to look at it from your wireless WebTV while you're on the road. -- K. All are welcome, especially if they bring strange snack foods to share, small gifts for Kibo, or photos of stupid orange cones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Some folks are cruisin' for a lawsuitin'! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 05:52:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (1) Today, CNN Headline News told me breathlessly that there was now a Web page with a gallery of photos of those orange traffic cones, you know, those everyday objects that nobody except the guy who made the page ever really looked at. And they showed the page. AND IT WASN'T MINE! Now I'm going to stop automatically trusting everything I hear on CNN Headline News. (Well, okay, so they did once report that George Bush died while he was in office. But this is IMPORTANT.) (2) In September 1997, at the annual Alt.Religion.Kibology Party-Like Event -- the one held to commemorate Laser Designs going out of business (HOORAY!) -- there was much discussion of alt.religion.kibology's favorite television show, "Brigham Circle". Of course, nobody outside a.r.k has ever seen "Brigham Circle", because it's only been broadcast on secret TV channels that only Kibologists can see. (Unfortunately, I once leaked an episode guide summarizing all seventy-seven episodes, and I forgot to encrypt it to keep the prying eyes of the unwashed masses off it.) When we were first developing the show, I asked those present to suggest titles for it. Someone pointed out that, if it was to be taken seriously as a sitcom, and trendy to boot, it had to be named after a place. Several people tossed out names but I outshouted them all with "BRIGHAM CIRCLE!" because, after all, it's a nicely Puritanical-sounding name (people everywhere love to watch New Englanders on TV because stiff white people are wacky!) and because it's the name of the closest trolley stop to where I live. The Brigham Circle stop is in the Mission Hill neighborhood. Yesterday I was informed that The WB network (assuming you can call "The WB" a "network"; after all, their official slogan is "Dubba Dubba Dubba!" so you know they're not really trying) is about to unveil a new show titled "Mission Hill". And, my source reports, there is a character on it who looks somewhat like me. And he's named "Jim". This is a clear case of intellectual property theft. I shouldn't have to go around with my head wrapped in aluminum foil to keep evil television satellites from stealing my ideas! I plan to file THE BIGGEST LAWSUIT EVER FILED ON THE INTERNET. I'm sure The WB will point out that "Brigham Circle" was intended as a live-action show, while "Mission Hill" is animated. A cartoon. WELL, I SAY, BECAUSE "BRIGHAM CIRCLE" IS AN IMAGINARY TV SHOW, THAT'S THE SAME THING AS THEIR LITTLE PRETEND CARTOON SHOW!!! -- K. And, hey, network execs, ENOUGH WITH THE CARTOON SHOWS ABOUT THE COLORED FOLKS BEING PERFECTLY HAPPY ENJOYING THEIR PERFECT LIVES IN THE COMPLETELY SANITIZED GHETTO! STOP TELLING US EVERYTHING'S OKAY! IT'S NOT OKAY, DAMMIT! LOOK AROUND! THERE'S A LOT OF STEALING GOING ON IN MISSION HILL! ESPECIALLY OF MY IDEAS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Some folks are cruisin' for a lawsuitin'! ...part 2 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 06:09:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Okay, a third incident of Kibological Plagiarism has popped up this weekend: (3) Remmeber how, two days ago, I reported that I got kicked out of the local Mafia-run video arcade because I took a photo? (I only risked death because it was a photo of something I'd written about a few times, and needed it for the archives.) Well, today, a TV commercial for "c|net" has premiered -- I know it wasn't on before today because I've seen it at least four times today, which means that they're saturation-bombing the airwaves with it and so I would have seen it yesterday if they had had it ready less than 48 hours after I gave them the idea. The plot of the commercial: A handsome young man is showing off his fancy digital camera to his Mafioso uncle, and takes a picture of him. Mafia stooges immediately kill the guy who took the photo. Moral: Get advice on digital cameras from c|net because your uncle wants to murder you for stealing his soul. Anyway, this plot is a clear ripoff of the plot of my daily life, except they didn't actually kill me. In my lawsuit I am going to demand that they change the commercial to end with a voice-over explaining that I did not get killed. -- K. Also, I'm going to force them to spell their name in a normal manner. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.chem,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 5Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 07:09:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.med, sci.chem, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I do not know if ever, anyone kept a record as to the world's > healthiest person. Perhaps someone that never got sick, never had a > cold, never had any childhood diseases such as mumps, measles, perhaps > a staph infection. Someone who never had to go to the hospital or to > any doctor. > > As hard as it is to believe, I would be a candidate for the world's > healthiest person. ...if mental illness didn't count. > But I suppose the medical community would say that longevity played > a role in health. Not really -- once you're dead, it doesn't matter whether you stay healthy. > That people who reach 100 years of age even though 25 years was spent > in the hospital is a sign of healthiness. As a result, stay out of hospitals! Never, ever visit sick friends in the hospital! > Anyway, I feel like commenting on my health. I feel like commenting on your mental health too. > When I pray, I usually thank the Almighty for my health and that I was > so very much blessed with perhaps one of the finest healthiest bodies > ever given to a human. The LORD: "ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, EVEN I AM NOT ABLE TO MAKE YOU SMART OR HANDSOME OR RICH OR SANE, BUT AT LEAST I CAN MAKE YOU NOT CATCH TOO MANY COLDS." Archie: "Wow! That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me!" > I hope that this is not bragging and that shortly soon after this > writing that my health begins to deteriorate. Why would you hope that your health will deteriorate? That's *our* job! > I am 49 years old and in all of my life recall having had to go to > the doctor on only two or three occasions. To get a cast put on my > broken ankle and to get a staph penacillin and a skin virus solution. > Other than those three times, I have never needed to go the medical > profession. I did have the childhood diseases of mumps and measles and > a few boils. I think you still have a pretty big one. With a face on it. (Stacia, for that, you can put me in The Obvious Bag for five minutes.) > But what is noteworthy of my health is that I rarely ever get sick. > During the winter I often go without catching a cold. And my attendence > at schools, or Navy, or jobs is almost perfect attendence. > I am also well coordinated and that prevents accidents that send > people to hospitals. And you stay in the Dartmouth library all day using their Macs, which prevents dangerous exposure to sunlight, wind, or other people. > If everyone was similar to me regards to health, then the medical, > hospital and doctor, and drug industry would almost not exist. ..and you'd be considered NORMAL! > My body has high metabolism and very low blood pressure and that > perhaps has attributed to my well health. And in youth I could run a 10 > K in under 30 minutes. At age 50, I probably will be able to outrun > most college students in a 10K. Okay, go ahead. Start running those 10K miles. Preferably in a straight line. I'll clock how fast you get to 10,000. > Do I have any advice on health? Yes, I do not add salt to any of my > foods, in fact I never buy salt. Foods have so much salt in them > already that there is never any need to add salt. And I stay away from > salty foods. I rarely ever get headaches and the reason I believe is > because my body is seldom over-salt-supplied. I remember the last time > I felt a headache coming on but never blossomed was when I mistakenly > got a package of popcorn that was salted and ate the whole bag. Well, DUH! Most of us know that you're supposed to eat the POPCORN, not the BAG! > The last time I really had a headache, the type where I have to lay down > and sleep to get it to go away was in youth at the age of about 18 or > 19, and thinking about it now I suspect what caused the headache was > the eating of so much potato chips that was salted. We used to have a > large tin can for potato chips and the late 1960s was not low-sodium > food conscious. Overdose of salt causes headaches, in my opinion. Just out of curiosity, which type of headache do you get? The type that feels like there's a giant plutonium atom rattling around inside your brain, or the type that feels your brain is trying to open a five-gallon bucket of maple syrup? > [...] > I also do not eat foods, or touch my eyes, ears face when around keyboards > and door handles. Why stop there? Your health would be perfect if only you'd stop eating foods, ever. Try that for a few months and see if it works. > I thoroughly wash my hands before touching other parts of my body > that can spread viruses. I think you're safe -- it's not like you're at risk of ever having sex with another person. > [...] > > Another advice is the saying of: take care of your body when you are > young and it will take care of you when you are old. I suppose that > means not smoking and not drinking alcohol. I have never fallen for > either nicotine or alcohol. From January, 1999: In sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: -> -> Subject: research on wine drinking and better hearts -> -> For my autobio mostly. Although my diet now includes a-lot of grapes, -> recently I have been into the purchase of wines. Not because I believe -> that wine alcohol will make me live longer, but mostly because I like -> the taste of a good wine with certain foods. Arch, you should stop drinking so much. It's giving you blackouts. [Returning to the present, Archie immediately follows the discussion of how much he hates alchohol with a brilliant segue into the world of fashion:] > > I was wondering if there is a cotton shirt similar to the polar > fleece shirt that never wrinkles? Could a cotton fleece shirt be made > similar to polar fleece that is wrinkle-proof? I doubt it. But it sure > would be nice to have a cotton shirt that is wrinkle proof. Almost > impossible to beat cotton for hot weather. Try dipping your clothes in shellac. That'll stop them from wrinkling. Of course, they're a little hard to put on after they've been varnished, so you should put them on and then hop into the vat of shellac. Then, for good measure, have yourself laminated. > Today I was thinking of what clothes to take on the US tour. And there > are three factors that are important to me. Weight, comfort, looks. So > in the assemblage of my baggage I want to find the best solution. I > have decided that weight is the most important factor, for I cannot be > comfortable carrying heavy baggage around. Ideally I would not carry > any bags. But since I am touring for 1.5 months I need to take some > materials. Since weight is the number one issue, I have decided to take > no more than 2 rucksacks. At first I was going to take one rucksack and > my briefcase, but my briefcase, a zero-halliburton looks rich and would > tend to attract stealer attention. So, 2 rucksacks is what I will take > on the US tour. Since weight is number one factor, I will take only 2 > sets of clothing, one that I am wearing and the other in a rucksack. I > will take a few cotton items for comfort and the rest nylon. Especially > the nylon socks. For footwear I will take my converted boots that I use > to run in. Converted because I cut holes into the leather for air > conditioning. They have vibram soles. I intend to do alot of running. Archie, I hate to disappoint you, but when you get to England, there won't be dozens of women chasing you around in their underwear, unless your name is Benny Hill. > Get off the bus and run, run, run. SEE ARCHIE RUN RUN, ARCHIE, RUN! SEE ARCHIE GET OFF THE BUS GET OFF, ARCHIE, GET OFF! > I cannot remember exactly at what age I adopted the face-cloth method > of washing my body. To quote Duke Nukem: "Your face... your ass... what's the difference?" > Typically a Thoreau type of response. I don't know, I think Thoreau may have had a pond to bathe in. DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THOREAU WAS EVER NEAR A POND? > Anyway if someone were to visit me at home, ...a purely hypothetical question, of course... > in the bathroom there would only be a face cloth, No toilet? What, do you live in a house designed by Mike Brady? > because when I shower or bathe I am not hampered with a > towel. I use a face clothe to clean and then I wring it out and use it > to dry. And, wherever I go, I carry a face cloth in a plastic bag in > my rucksack. For shaving I will carry an electric Braun and Norelco. I > thought of taking the bic razors with shaving creme but I disdain ever > getting nicks and cuts, so will take the electric. I will take a can > opener since I often buy canned fruits. Take a bread knife and 2 spoons > in case I lose one. I am now imagining Archie travelling around the world, losing spoons in every country. Well, okay, in every country that allows him to have something as sharp as a spoon. > Take my polarized glasses and my Varilux. Take my goretex North Face shell > in case I run into heavy rain or cold weather. Varilux. Goretex. Archimedes Plutonium likes anything which ends with "x". Unless it starts with "se". > If I do, I just put on every clothes item. Including a rubber nun's habit, a giant cheese-shaped hat, and a T-shirt that says "Golden Gloves Champion, 1923"? If not, then you're lying about putting on EVERY clothes item there is. > Much of the clothes is nylon such that if need be, I can wash it in > a sink and dry it off whilst running. You must get a lot of exercise, running around carrying a sink full of wet clothes. > Especially the socks since I am going to be running alot, I > want to wash those as often as possible under a sink and put them right > back on to wear while wet. I often wet my socks in the summertime WHOOOOOOSH! NEW SUPER-ADVANCED FORMULA KONTEXT-AWAY HIGHLIGHTS THE GOOD PART! +----------------------------------------------------+ | | | "I often wet my socks" -- Archimedes Plutonium | | | +----------------------------------------------------+ > as air conditioning. Right now, everyone around you is thanking their lucky stars that only your feet are hot, not your pants. > I prefer to take only nylon and polar-fleece because > they "look" better with no wrinkles but Philadelphia and Washington DC > and south are hot in Sept. Thus, I will take 2 cotton shirts and one > cotton shorts. Since weight is the number one factor it is comfort > itself, for I cannot be comfortable by hauling around alot of weight > and trying to run with it. Comfort is the second factor and cotton is > more comfortable in hot weather than nylon or polar fleece. But cotton > wrinkles. That is a compromise. Most decisions in life are compromises, > and I suspect the biggest compromising decision is marrying. But in > marrying there is supposed to be the "feeling of falling in love" which > overrides the list of priorities and rationalizing. And in this tour, > there is an analogy to the "feeling of falling in love" in that the > mission of this tour is to have experiences and build up memories of > living life and seeing the sites of famous scientists. And so I am > going to encounter some discomfort and some wrinkles on this tour. But > it is the Experientals that I will gain. So, what you're saying, is that you wet your socks so as not to accidentally get married because getting married would be irrational? -- K. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired Dadaist rock band name #36: ARCHIE WETS HIS SOCKS ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 5Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 20:54:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > In sci.med, sci.chem, and talk.religion.misc, > > Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > Other than those three times, I have never needed to go the medical > > > profession. I did have the childhood diseases of mumps and measles and > > > a few boils. > > > > I think you still have a pretty big one. With a face on it. > > > > (Stacia, for that, you can put me in The Obvious Bag for five minutes.) > > What if there were an obvious bag that big?!!??! Someday mad scientists will create an obvious bag so big it could contain the entire Universe! > I always thought the obvious bag was a cranium-sized burlap container, > perfect for putting over your head in public. Also, I thought it had > "OBVIOUS" stamped on it in Stencil Font #27. Which one is #27? The Ludlow one? ATF? Linotype? We should test this. Let's put Archie's head in a burlap bag and then shove it into a Linotype machine to see if the letters stick. > > [...] > > > > [to Archie:] > > Then, for good measure, have yourself laminated. > > I am the MISTRESS OF LAMINATION at work, and I have to tell you, I don't > think Archie's head would fit into the machine. Without being steamrol- > lered first. In Archie's case, I think you meant to say his head should be folderol- lered. But in any case, we agree, a hyphen needs to be shoved into the middle. Preferably in through his nose. > And then it would be too messy. I am, however, very willing > to chip in and provide a few rolls of clear Contact Paper, because > Laminated Archie -- in my mind -- looks like an extra from the X-Files. THIS IS THE WORST EPISODE OF "3-2-1 CONTACT" EVER! I mean, it's not half as cool as that one where they put a porthole in the side of a cow so you could watch the meat going around inside. -- K. How about we just push Archie into a big piece of heat-shrink tubing and then drop it into a Bessemer furnace? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 5Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 20:45:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > WHOOOOOOSH! NEW SUPER-ADVANCED FORMULA KONTEXT-AWAY HIGHLIGHTS THE GOOD > > PART! > > > > +----------------------------------------------------+ > > | | > > | "I often wet my socks" -- Archimedes Plutonium | > > | | > > +----------------------------------------------------+ > > > psst, Kibo. You forgot to turn off the Kontext-Away. That's okay. This is New Super-Advanced Formula Kontext-Away, which can put itself back in its own protective container, even when wet! Now you'll never forget to turn off Kontext-Away again, now that there's New Super-Advanced Formula Kontext-Away! It turns itself off! It turns itself on! It eats your dinner! It watched TV for you! It has existed since the beginning of time! It can make itself invisible whenever it wants! Which is all the time! It fits in a breadbox of any size! It has no annoying odor and no pleasant taste! It is safe for use on sentences uttered by even the smallest children and/or pets! It contains no aerosol chlorofluorocarbons, just Pez! And this Pez... this Pez... is... the Pez... that will... someday... RULE THE EARTH! NOW how much will you pay? -- K. A zillion timesed by infinity plus a trillion? A thousand timesed by infinity? NO! YOU ONLY PAY A HUNNERD TIMESED BY INFINITY!!! AND YOU GET FREE STICKERS!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Secrets of Bedwetting Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 07:30:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.psychology.misc, Kyle Glasgow (kyle@aum-web.com) advertised: > > The following article and many more are located at the Infinity Institute > website > www.infinityinst.com IT'S AN INFINITY OF BEDWETTING! (And on the second day, God created the Yellow Sea.) > Infinity Institute provides a great deal of information on hypnosis and > holistic living, classes, special workshops and product reviews. > > Be sure to visit the on-line store, I hate to think about the bedwetting store. > the referal directory Find your soulmate! Your bedsheet stains are scientifically matched to other people's! > and the collection of hypnosis articles. "And when I snap my fingers, you will be a bedwetter!" "This is the WORST birthday party ever!" > Also - The annual Hypnosis and Holistic Living Conference is just around the > corner! Go straight, young man! > For more information visit > www.infinityinst.com/new_conference.html > > > Secrets of Success with Bedwetting Oh, good. It's always so nice when someone tells us to visit their Web site to read their inspirational story and then posts the entire inspirational story because they know we want to read about bedwetting twice. (What, you would rather read two DIFFERENT stories about nocturnal enuresis?) > No More Bedwetting Wet bed again! How many mornings have you reached for a glass of juice and instead put your hand in a bowl of warm water in > your child's bedroom hoping for a dry bed. Just this once. And instead, the Bedwetting Police came and put you in rustproof handcuffs! They haul you off to a mental institution and tightly wrap you in canvas sheets, but first, the > sheets are soaked. You expected this at 3 or 4 or 5 years old, but not at 7 bottles of urine on the wall, 7 bottles of urine... take one down, > or 8 or 12 or 13, or even older. And how embarrassing for your child after he takes your wet sheets to Show'n'Tell, and kids have been pointing & laughing > all this time. Sleep-overs and camping trips are a nightmare! THE END! Wait, there's more: > You've tried everything-not drinking after 6:00 pm, taking your child and replacing him with Folger's Crystals, or replacing Folger's Crystals with Steve Buscemi's ashes (sorry, I just saw "The Big Lebowski"), moving her bed in > to the bathroom before she went to sleep, before you went to sleep, even duct tape. Lots of duct tape. Then you think you hear Santa's reindeer > sometimes when you've awakened in the middle of the night. But to no avail. BEDWETTING AVAIL. IN 49 STATES. SORRY, TENNESSEE!! (Cut to Don Adams as a badly-animated penguin visiting Mr. Whoopee's lab to ask for help with his bedwetting problem.) > The wetness seems to come just when you leave. Maybe you've even gotten away with voiding where prohibited. Regarding John Travola, you get > angry thinking that he must be able to control this bed-wetting. It's just so confusing trying to remember whether or not you own a waterbed. You think > too much! THE END! No, wait, it keeps going: > Fortunately, excellent help is available. Guided and interactive tours of your own bladder are posted on our Web site. This unerotic > imagery has been especially successful in overcoming and controlling hapless populations under Communist regimes, where the State controls the means of production, distribution, consumption, and especially > bed-wetting. Children find their own unique solutions by learning to deeply inhale and hold their breath all night, then apply the same technique to their bladders. Turn up the Pink Floyd music, stare at the blacklight, > relax, turn inward, and listen to what their body truly needs. When Communists wait in line for six hours to wet the bed, us Capitalists have set up independent bedwetting businesses, which are franchised and > incorporated into a holistic approach, using imagery tools of deep breathing from a helium balloon, to do an impression of Donald Duck and get halitosis > (the balloon breath), symptom dialogue (talking to body parts), visiting the giant toilet we call the > "healing pool", and connecting to inner wisdom (listening to the wizard or scarecrow or Judy Garland. Judy Garland is an important part of bedwetter culture, along with Toto, her perky yet > wise animal friend) have been invaluable. Additionally, affirmations, denials, and press releases by Bill Gates from his custom-designed water-proof mansion have yielded no clues as to how long he can hold it in, even with > behavioral charting, and monitoring stress have proved extremely useful. ...to the FBI as they compile files of known bedwetters and other Commies. > With this program, children have been able to create their own "dry" beds! THE END! Oh, there's another paragraph: > Bright, sensitive, and highly motivated Margaret* is a typical fake name used in case studies so as not to embarass Bill Gates. Whoops! > example. She was almost 10 years old when I met her and had been wetting the bed since Jerry Seinfeld stopped dating her. They had been to > bed almost nightly for as long as she could remember. Her parents had done quite a number on her. Which was why Jerry liked her. He was into > everything they could think of, and were even considering the new nasal ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING TO STOP IT HERE BECAUSE THE IDEA OF JERRY SEINFELD'S NASAL PEDOPHILIAC SEX PRACTICES IS TOO SICKENING TO EVEN THINK ABOUT. When this started it was a very nice story about Bill "Margaret" Gates wetting the bed constantly, but now it's just GROSS. -- K. I deleted the last two pages of the wee-wee story. I hope nobody minds. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: General Stupidity Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 21:15:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > Local TV channel KTMJ, a Fox affiliate, recently had a news item about a > coin that was worth beaucoup bux, perhaps even the most rare coin around. > Now, I collected coins in my sordid youth, and I didn't think an American > silver dollar from 1804 was so rare. Turns out there's only 15 or so in > existence, so the fact that here in town someone had found one of these is > a very big deal. But... if there are only fifteen... let us assume each coin is worth a million dollars. Thus, these coins are worth fifteen million dollars. There are more than fifteen hundred million pennies in the world. Ergo, pennies are worth more than those old coins! (They're all old and stuff. Probably rancid.) > But there is a lot of history involving the coin, namely, no 1804 coins > were minted in 1804; they were all made circa 1835 for "proof sets". And all those ones that say "1804 B.C."? Encyclopedia Brown says that the didn't know it was "B.C." back then, so the coin has to be a typographical error from 1804 A.D.! Remember, those dumb people living in B.C. weren't smart enough to know they were living in B.C., just like the way the dinosaurs didn't really know their own names! I mean, can you imagine a lizard saying "Stegosaurus" as mellifluously as Stephen Jay Gould can? "Pteranodon"! "Velociraptor"! This proves I am smarter than a dinosaur and at least as smart as Stephen Jay Gould! > Not that you'd know any of this after watching the KTMJ news. As I am typing this, *my* television news is telling me that Allen Funt just died. The top story was that there was an assassination attempt on a world leader. Now, at 5:01pm, a whole minute into the newscast, they're into the Z-level news talking about the history of "Candid Camera". Which was originally titled "Candid Microphone" on radio ("Ha! Ha! If only you could see the facial expression of this guy!") and has not yet made the leap to "Candid Web Page". > When the anchorperson said the coin was from 1834, the camera had zoomed > in on the "1804", so everyone in the world thought the anchorguy was a > dolt. *Then* Mr Anchorguy tells us the coin is 150 years old, meaning he > thinks we're living in either 1954 or 1984, depending on which date he > thinks is the true date of the coin. Are you sure you weren't accidentally watching that "Space: 1999" movie which takes place in the year 2100, which is at the beginning of the 21st century, several months after they've left Earth orbit on September 9, 1999 or September 13, 1999, with numerous generations coming into existence during those several months? Although I don't think that show had the budget to show a close-up of a coin, rare or otherwise. Even one new pence would have burst their little budget wide open. My favorite Bad Twist Ending from "Space: 1999" is the one where Roy Dotrice forces himself onto Christopher Lee's spaceship at gun-point (this is the one where Christopher Lee has a big plus sign painted on his face and an Edgar Winter wig, not the other one with Christopher Lee) and gets into the hibernation chamber to nap during the centuries-long trip to Earth, but that sneaky Christopher Lee sets the naptime control for thirty minutes instead of a few centuries, and Roy Dotrice wakes up and starts shouting "HELLO, EARTH!" into his commlock, and everyone on Moonbase Alpha hears him ten miles away and tries to suppress a snicker, and then Roy Dotrice looks at his wristwatch and IT'S STILL SET TO LUNAR TIME!!!! so he screams and screams while hurling himself againt the shaky glass box he's trapped in. They couldn't even afford a REAL invisible box like even the cheapest mime owns! > At any rate, someone who hasn't collected coins would be shouting, "DUH! > DUH DUH!" at the screen, and anyone who has collected coins would be > shouting, "DOIDY DUH! DOUBLE DUH!" at the screen. How hard can it be for > the news to get news items right? For the purpose of this question, CNN > is defined as "entertainment and not news". It's so entertaining whenever I hear that TV's beloved Allen Funt has died. Why does entertainment news always consist of famous people dying? Why don't they ever tell us that some baby was just born who will grow up to be a movie star? Because they can't, that's why, because that baby has an equally good chance of GROWING UP TO BE HITLER! This is why time travel can never be invented, because it would always lead to the question of, "What would you do if that baby you forgot to kill grew to to be Hitler?" and so you'd have to make some terrible movie where Robin Curtis (best known as "the bad Saavik") puts on Terminator sunglasses and goes around blowing away babies with a machine gun. Hooray! She shot another baby! Somday someone should give the Band brothers a psychiatric exam. I mean, how many people are there in the world who would pay to see a movie in which the hero's job is to shoot babies with a machine gun for two hours? Then again, Allen Funt made "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?", a movie which I always describe as "a sincere plea for more pedophilia." So maybe it's good that he's dead so that I can't accidentally give him any ideas. ("I know! We'll secretly film Robin Curtis as she shoots NAKED babies!") "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" opened with the audience being informed "None of the people wearing clothes were aware they were being filmed." but Allen Funt keeps showing up with his clothes on! Was he really that stupid that he made the entire movie by accident? In any case, "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" is a tiresome collection of identical wacky pranks (most of which the "victims" are obviously aware of and are just playing along) involving some guy being told to wait in a waiting room while a naked lady walks in. The movie ends with about five minutes of a little girl toddling around, naked, while Allen Funt's voiceover tells us how much fun it is to look at the naked human body in all its glory. You never would have guessed that Allen Funt was a pervert just from the fact that he liked filming people with hidden cameras. -- K. I will not repeat that joke about his last name, I will not... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I am mad Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 21:48:25 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > August of 1999 came and went without so much as ONE Terminator showing > > up and blowing people away! > > I am disappointed at the lack of evility and world-ending apocalypses > (apocalae?) that's occured in 1999. How do you know that the pocky-lips didn't occur and you just didn't notice? I mean, if the world were destroyed, it would be kind of hard to tell by looking out my window at the rubble they've been building for the past year. We missed some fun dates, like that day in 1997 when HAL 9000 was born, or October 1997, when Bill Mumy took off in the Jupiter II. And then there was that "1984" year when every one of us who was in high school had to read that tedious Orwell novel three times in the same semester and it kept the events of "1984" from coming to pass because we realized how boring "1984" would be. We also missed "1984 1/2", which was changed from a year to a country ("Brazil") before Terry Gilliam finished it. Well, look at it this way -- we still have these events to look forward to: 1999 -- Everyone has to listen to that bad song. September 9, 1999 -- Moon catches on fire. Also, CNN insists some computers will break. September 13, 1999 -- Moon blows out of orbit. December 31, 1999 -- CNN insists many computers will break. 2000 -- Lots of bad sci-fi movies take place. 2001 -- Monkey throws bone at space shuttle, large LSD swirls come out of a big black halvah bar. Also, the solid black sky is filled with orange clouds and little UFOs that go "ping!" at the end of "Time Pilot". 2010 -- Peter Hyams makes an inferior sequel starring that guy from "SeaQuest". 2032 -- Michael York attacks the "SeaQuest" with his deadly "subduction laser" fired from "Macronesia". 2037ish -- Many computers will break but nobody cares because that's years away, dude! 2061 -- Arthur C. Clarke's brain falls apart. 2069 -- Lots of bad sci-fi porno movies take place. 2076 -- Isaac Asimov's short story "Tricentennial" comes tragically true. In the ensuing riot, The Bicentennial Man is killed prematurely. 2084 -- Robotrons take over the world, destroying humanity, except for Mommy, Daddy, and Mikey. 2090's -- We land on the Moon in this decade, according to "Forbidden Planet". At an unspecified time over a hundred years later, Leslie Nielsen gives Gene Roddenberry the idea for William Shatner. 2100 -- Aliens that look like shower curtains try to blow up the Moon, which drives Martin Landau insane. 2134 -- My old ATM password comes true. 23rd century -- The dot in Michael York's hand turns red. William Shatner is given a position of responsibility. 2262 -- "Babylon 5" gets cancelled. 24th century -- Bald men are finally accepted as sexy because, for the first time, Starfleet Command awards a captaincy to someone who doesn't have poofy hair. 2374 -- A world where APES evolved from MEN? 2417 -- Gil Gerard gets thawed out. Then he gets fat. 2525 -- Everyone has to listen to that bad song. 2995 -- There will be TV commercial where some guy keeps yelling "I'll paint any car in twenty-nine ninety-five!" 3000 -- "The Terror From The Year 3000" collides with "Futurama". 3001 -- Arthur C. Clarke starts getting really confused about his own backstory. 9999 -- All eight-thousand-year-old computers will break. 802,701 -- H. G. Wells predicts that humans will have evolved into dumb kangaroos. Of course the book would have been ruined if he had nailed this year as 802,700 or 820,702. All those dates are from memory, so don't blame me if one or two of them don't come true! Also, I forget which year Arthur C. Clarke predicted we'd have two-way communication with brainy dolphins. I think that was supposed to be in the 1970s, with "abandonment of physical instrumentality" scheduled a few decades later. I better set my watch. -- K. Introducing the iMac. It's why 2001 won't be like "2001". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Tribute: Allen funt, dead in 1999 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 22:17:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As always when a beloved celebrity has passed away, I have grepped my alt.religion.kibology archives for every mention of Allen Funt. Turns out he was seldom mentioned, except by accident. Here are all the references to "Allen Funt" in interesting contexts: --- RERUNS BECAUSE ALLEN FUNT IS DEAD ALLEN FUNT IS DEAD ALLEN FUNT IS DEAD --- Lucille Ball fell into a vat of bugs. Larry and Balki were standing on a window ledge trying to shoot the President because Balki mailed the wrong envelope. Bob Saget laughed at a guy who took a wrecking ball in the crotch. Murphy Brown bit her secretary. Allen Funt wouldn't go away, and Vanna White was wearing a sequined glob of Lycra. It was too much, too fast, too stupid! Spot screamed and tried to pull his head out of the picture tube, but there was no use. -- Kibo, August 1992 (the reason I ddn't want to use screen, is that I want to be able to use the pc to handle redraws and windowing and to beable to use funtion and alt keys for control) -- Gene E. Scoggins, February 1994 The aircraft, contrary to many stories, was not found to be radio- active. Also, there was not unusual magnetic phenomena about the aircraft. That is, no parts were mysteriously magnetized, contrary to some writ- ers. The aircraft had funtioned perfectly and had experinced not mal- functions of any kind. -- John_-_Winston, March 1994 I recieved a request from my Earth friend who talks to the people from our funture here on Earth. -- same guy, same month, different day For centuries, men have not listened to the wisdom of woman, so we have created a dysfuntional society. -- Doctress Neutopia, July 1994 I'm inclined to think that "funthing" would be appropriate, but adding durian would make them recoil from a near miss better... -- David G Haren, December 1994 [on "The Longest Thread Ever"] Alan Funt will take a picture of it. And then he'll turn on the movie camera and say: "WE THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY... " but the thread will END before he can finish his sentence. Fanny Flagg will then pass out refreshments in alt.folklore.computers. -- Tjames Madison, February 1995 [Archie Plutonium had complained that Kibo put too many jokes in his writings, and Kibo had just seen Allen Funt's movie] And don't tell me these jokes are too strong. They are the most perfectly superweak jokes imaginable. I know because I just watched a movie directed by Allen Funt! P.S. There is no big whirring movie camera hidden behind the big black rectangular hole in the middle of the Encyclopedia Britannica sitting on the shelf across from you in the cafeteria. -- Kibo, March 1997 How did Allen Funt manage to film "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" because the opening titles said "Nobody who was wearing clothes was aware they were being filmed." and he was wearing clothes! Did Allen Funt ever get nude? If he had, would civilization have collapsed? -- Kibo, March 1997 [the cast of "SeaQuest 2047"] Jim Varney, Vanna White, George O'Hanlon Sr., Charlton Heston, Michael York, Roddy MacDowall, Barbara Bain, Jack Palance, Melanie Shatner, Marcy Lafferty, David Birney, Stephen Hawking, Franklin Welker, Daws Butler, Casey Kasem, James Shigeta, R. Lee Ermey, C.C.H. Pounder, Tom Hanks (before "Gump"), Harvey Fierstein, Jolie Gabor, James Darren, Adrian Zmed, Denny Terio, Robert Townsend, Arnold Stang, Divine, David L. Lander, narration by James Earl Jones (they paid him $99), Cheech, Doug Llewellyn, Sean Connery, Neil Connery, Rondo Hatton, John Wilkes Booth, the guy who was Jabba The Hutt's stand-in in the original "Star Wars" footage, Bill Cosby, Peter Graves, Jack Noseworthy, Rip Taylor (back when he was REALLY FUNNY), Lawrence Harvey, Ringo Starr, Kevin Bacon's seventh cousin, Dom DeLuise, Peter DeLuise, Michael DeLuise, David DeLuise, Winky DeLuise, John Houseman, Harlan Ellison, Tiffany Brissette, Soleil Moon Frye, Taylor Negron, John Wayne, Shirley Eaton, Shirley Bassey, Gert Frobe, Hugh "Lumpy" Brannum, Judy Carne, JoAnne Worley, Leslie Uggams, JoAnn Pflug, Chris Farley's mom, Annette Funicello, Pat Paulsen, Peter Sellers, Joan van Arc, Allen Funt, Archimedes Plutonium Pac-Man, Carrot Top, Mr. Potato Head, Big Bird, Homer Simpson, and the creepy talking diaper from that commercial. -- Kibo, July 1997 I tried using a large camera to take pictures of youths, but there was a weight problem, that is, not the usual weight problem, but I was using a 200 inch mirror to focus light from the object into the speshul glass photographic plates. First of all, it took about 15 minutes to focus, which takes a little out of the whole spontaneity/candide shots, but hey, who am I, Voltaire Funt? -- Louis Nick III, August 1997 [re Mike Jittlov] Then ask Allen Funt to explain why he made a nudie film. Then by that time Mike will probably be home from his shopping trip to Trader Joe's and he can explain about the incredibly rare worthless comic book he has where Spider-Man meets Allen Funt. -- Kibo, July 1998 Those "...if anyone touches you where your bathing suit covers" public-service ads are all part of Allen Funt's campaign to get kids to think they will be safe from pedophiles if they take off their bathing suits. -- Kibo, August 1998 [Lee Bumgarner wondered what it would be like to be naked in public] Lee, please go watch Allen Funt's pedofilmiac masterpiece, "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" until I tell you to stop. -- Kibo, August 1998 I've been so drunk before that my inner reptile/motory funtion was the only thing awake. -- Timothy Sutter, September 1998 It was Daniel Boone who killed a black bar when he was only three, not Hitler. I learned that on the new game show, "Like You Don't Know Hitler!" With Allen Funt. In Bed. -- Bill Jones, September 1998 Also send me some pictures of Ronald McDonald and Allen Funt wearing high heels. I promise I won't use them for science. -- same guy, same month, different day [concerning a wire-service photo with the filename "cnt50216.jpg"] I will not make the obvious joke about the filename. I will not make the obvious joke about the filename. I will not make the obvious joke about the filename. Besides, it would be disrespectful to the great Allen Funt. He knew Spider-Man personally. -- Kibo, March 1999 [re Archimedes Plutonium's complaint that his lawsuit was thrown out of court] I think you should try out for the Mills Lane show first. I like him the best. Judge Judy is slightly less rude to the people in her court, and Joe Brown is considerably less rude, they're not worth watching. I mean, who wants to watch a courtroom drama where the judge DOESN'T yell at people? Hey, maybe that's why they threw your lawsuit out of court. They were secretly taping you for ALLEN FUNT'S CANDID COURTROOM! -- Kibo, April 1999 I've always wanted to put a big cardboard box in the middle of the shopping mall, and when people opened it flames would come out, and then a cop would start beating them with a nightstick yelling "YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL FOR OPENING FIRE!" and then they'd get put in jail, and then a few days later Allen Funt would come and explain the joke and they'd have a good laugh, because otherwise he wouldn't let them out. -- Kibo, April 1999 Trudel noted that Ladran had recently lost a significant amount of money on Internet "day-trading", and may have intended to recover some of his losses by selling his own kidneys. Proof of this theory was presented in the form of a web page on eBay, the popular Internet auction site, supposedly placed by Ladran, in which a person with the username "kid4you" offers for auction a "full, funtional[sic] kidney", with a minimum starting bid of $30,000. The auction page has since been removed by eBay officials, who have refused to comment further on the case. -- David Pacheco, August 30, 1999: LESS THAN A WEEK BEFORE THE DEATH OF ALLEN FUNT! David Pacheco was the last one to mention Allen Funt on alt.religion.kibology, unless you're only counting actual, deliberate mentions, in which case Kibo was the one who killed Allen Funt. Here are some more articles about Allen Funt: --- MORE RERUNS BECAUSE ALLEN FUNT IS STILL DEAD ALLEN FUNT IS STILL DEAD --- From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo in space! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 1 May 1999 04:08:21 GMT Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@2cowherd.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > 'The Japanese Experiment Module (JEM) has been renamed "Kibo", > > > a Japanese word for "hope", the space agency said. The name > > So, Mr. "Kibo". Now that we know your _real_ name, your little plot > would appear to be unmasked. It seems you just couldn't resist leaving > just one little clue, so you could watch and laugh as everyone > dismissed it as a simple coincidence no different from any of the > others that we encounter in daily life except for the particularly > long camera hold and the dramatic music and the little blinking sign > going DING DING DING DING THIS IS A CLUE BEEP BEEP BEEP YOU MORON. You > knew that making a newsgroup try to kill you is the only key to true > immortality. And your plan has been fiendishly successful. But I have > just one question: how did you do it? And would you mind speaking into > this flower arrangement? Hey! You're not the real Barbara Bain, Lynda Day George, or Peter Graves in drag! I refuse to talk into your hidden microphone until I see my lawyer or Allen Funt! WHO MUST BE WEARING CLOTHES!!! -- K. (I would sing the theme song from "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" now, but I forgot how it goes except for the chorus of "Do you say... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII?") From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Network Revives Game Show Kitsch Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 06:25:14 GMT The Associated Press has just discovered the two-year-old (in both senses) Game Show Network: > > DALLAS (AP) -- Would you like to bid on this lovely Broyhill > dinette set, or pass? Do you want to buy a vowel or spin the wheel? > Where is the strangest place you and your wife have made whoopee? That'd be in the Urban Legends FAQ, Bob. > And please remember, your answers must be in the form of a > question. Why? > If these phrases stir fond memories, then come on down! You > might be a fan of the Game Show Network. If not, we have some > lovely parting gifts for you. A pabulous, pantastic selection of lovely parting gifts from Allen Punt! This has been A Benny Hill Moment. (Kibo runs away as several fashion models in their underwear chase him to the horizon.) > [...] > The network's following is cultlike. If I were a Scientologist I'd resent being compared to a game show fan. > Why? The memories it evokes, spokesman Darris Gringeri said. > Think about it: When did you the last see polyester-clad celebs like > Nipsey Russell, Fannie Flagg or Charles Nelson Reilly? Conan O'Brien's show? Of course, they usually show up on alt.religion.kibology a few days before Conan calls them... > ``Kids get a kick out of looking at the hair. For the younger > viewers, they tune in as a fun curiosity,'' Gringeri said. ``Older > viewers watch for the nostalgia.'' At last, scientific proof that KIDS LIKE TO LOOK AT HAIR. (flash forward to the year 3978. The Earth is ruled by a highly-evolved race of beings with gigantic bald heads.) Zondrox-7: Let us now screen the ancient entertainment tapes. Vadrizox-4: Yes, let us screen the entertainment tapes. (Random beeping noises for thirty seconds, followed by the whirring of videotape.) Zondrox-7: Look, they have hair! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Vadrizox-4: Hair funny! HA HA HA HA HA! Snort! Gack! Zondrox-7: HA HA HA HA!!! Can't--HA HA HA--breathe! Choking! HA HA HA HA! (Their heads explode from laughing too hard. Don Pardo is lowered into view by a left-handed skyhook.) Don Pardo: Tonight's story was fiction. It did not happen. But it COULD happen! Someday this story COULD BE YOURS!!! Keep watching... THE SKIES!!! With your NEW TELESCOPE!!! And TURTLE WAX!!! > ``The thing about game shows is they've only been aired once, > and never again, so really in a way it's fresh programming,'' he > said. ``If you look at sitcoms or dramas like 'Hill Street Blues,' > you immediately start to see them in syndication and cable.'' I... see. So "The Price Is Right" is as good as "Hill Street Blues". Also, I vividly recall seeing the one where Bob Barker had to dub in a voice-over about how his hair had suddenly turned black not because he started dyeing it again but because they had gone into reruns. And I also saw the one where all three contestants spun "70c" at least twice. I think I only saw the episode of "The Magnificent Marble Machine" where the guy split his pants once, though. But for some things once is too much. > Network representatives are visiting eight cities in search of > guest hosts for their original game shows. Last month, about 200 > wannabe Pat Sajaks and Bob Eubankses showed up at an audition at a > Dallas mall. The open call drew housewives and aspiring actors, > students and ministers. I wonder if I'd make a good game show host... KIBO: "Aww, Fred, Fred, you didn't win, that's just too bad, you bozo! Now step over to the Spanking Machine and take your lumps like the little girl you are!" > Finalists will travel to Los Angeles in October for screen > tests, and the winner will receive $10,000 and spend a week giving > away fabulous prizes and cash. > The network, Gringeri said, is seeking ``the game show host of > the '90s.'' > ``That means someone who doesn't take on the personality of the > stereotypical game show host, the 'Hi, there. How ya doing?' with > the tacky voice, loud jacket and -- in some cases -- toupee. We're > looking for a younger, fresher approach.'' Yeah, in the olden days, I'm sure Goodson & Todman rejected a lot of people for having real hair. > [...] > Julie Palmer, a petite Meg Ryan look-alike, wore a Tommy > Hilfiger T-shirt, jeans and sneakers. > ``Two years ago I had a dream I was on 'The Price is Right' and > Bob Barker and I ran off together,'' the 35-year-old flight > attendant said. ``I thought it was a sign.'' Well, I once dreamed I was on "Candid Camera" while I had a high fever, but you don't see me going around pretending to be Allen Funt. (Like it's possible to pretend to be Allen Funt without actually being Allen Funt -- KIDS, NEVER PRETEND TO BE ALLEN FUNT! YOUR BRAIN WILL GET STUCK LIKE THAT!!!) > Dallas' winner, Tetia Stroud, is thrilled. Tetia Stroud's name looks like Dean Lenort married a Vulcan. > The network also airs episodes of game shows featuring > celebrities before they were famous. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve > Martin, Sally Field and Farrah Fawcett all looked for love on ``The > Dating Game.'' Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds appeared twice as > bachelors -- and lost twice. And Kirstie Alley won $10,000 on > ``Password Plus.'' Yeah, but she lost on "Match Game", the easiest show in the world, where the correct answer was ALWAYS "wee-wee". I am sad to say I only have a tape of one of Kirstie's two game-show appearances. I would be sadder if I had both. > Besides capitalizing on kitsch of the past, the network offers > original programming, including interactive. On ``Super Decades,'' > viewers call and answer questions about television, music and > politics through the decades. ``Trivia Track'' pits viewers against > each other in a computer-generated horse race. Do they have to wear the pony-fetish outfits? Do they do they do they? > ``A lot of this stuff isn't very compelling once you get over > the groovy clothes and once you get over the thrill of being > transported back 20, 25 years.'' Yeah, watching game shows is the only way to relive the 1970s other than a real time machine. It's too bad all the serious TV shows from the 1970s have never been repeated. > -=-=- > AP NEWS > The Associated Press News Service > Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press > All Rights Reserved > > The information contained in the AP News report may not be published, > broadcast or redistributed without the prior written authority of > The Associated Press. > -=-=- > C O P Y R I G H T * R E M I N D E R > > This article is Copyright 1998 by The Associated Press. > All articles in the clari.* news hierarchy are Copyrighted and licensed > to ClariNet Communications Corp. for distribution. Except for articles > in the biz.clarinet newsgroups, only paid subscribers may access > these articles. Any unauthorized access, reproduction or transmission > is strictly prohibited. > We offer a reward to the person who first provides us with > information that helps stop those who distribute or receive our news > feeds without authorization. Please send reports to reward@clari.net. > [Use info@clari.net for sales or other inquiries.] > > Details on the use of ClariNet material and other info can be found in > the user documentation section of <> . So copyright multiplied by reminder is much less than your Web page? Please stop using math here in the "Price Is Right" newsgroup. -- K. I'm sorry, you've GONE OVER! To the DARK SIDE! From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: LIST: Living persons who are 80 or older Newsgroups: alt.obituaries, alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 5 Aug 1998 04:27:58 GMT In alt.obituaries, David Carson (davo@neosoft.com) wrote: > > The following living people are all at least 80 years old: Wow! I hope that's all of them! There are too many old people as it is. > [...] > Victor Borge - pianist and comedian > [...] > Julia Child - "The French Chef" > Arthur C. Clarke - author > [...] > Ralph Edwards - game show host & creator > [...] > Allen Funt - "Candid Camera" host > [...] > Lew Grade - TV executive > [...] > Bob Hope - actor and comedian > [...] > Chuck Jones - Warner Bros. animator > Bob Kane - creator of Batman > [...] > Al Lewis - actor; Grandpa Munster > Art Linkletter - TV host and pitchman > Desmond Llewelyn - actor; James Bond's "Q" > [...] > Gene Rayburn - "Match Game" host > Ronald Reagan - President > Oral Roberts - preacher > [...] > Ray Walston - actor; "My Favorite Martian" You know, if all these people were to die on the same day, that year I would only post one super-colossal article to alt.religion.kibology. Unfortunately, that'll never happen because Bob Hope just won't die. And even if it could happen, we'd never hear about the death of Lord Lew Grade (who cancelled "Space: 1999" in the middle of my favorite episode) because the media would be going on and on about this Ronald Reagan guy even though he was just a politician, not a movie star like the others. > DISCLAIMER: This list is not comprehensive, nor is it intended to be. Oh, dammit. Next you're going to tell me it won't still be accurate in twenty years! -- K. Also, I think Oral Roberts lied about his age just to get on this list. P.S. David, I loved all those "Star Trek" movies you directed. ------------------- END RERUNS CAUSED BY ALLEN FUNT'S DEATH ------------------- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ethnic Mismatch Comedy # 646 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 22:32:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I'm not making this up. There is a new sitcom coming out where there is a > middle-class shmoe handyman who is going out with the daughter of a rich > snobby white guy. Naturally, wackiness ensues. What's unusual about that? Oh, wait, you mean the sitcom where THE SCHMOE IS BLACK. If he's black, you should have said so. Because if you don't say someone's black, it makes them white! Now, there's the premise for a new sitcom: An employment agency gets a guy a job at a bank, but they forget to tell the bank that the guy is black! And when he gets there, all these bank guys yell "AAAAAIIIEEE!!! HE IS A BLACK PERSON!" and jump out windows into giant vats of paint that construction workers have set up for no reason. I mean, it's not all that different from that movie where nobody told Corbin Bernsen he was working at a SPERM bank for the first six weeks, and that movie was really tremendously hilarious, right? Okay, so I'm wrong once in a while. BUT UNLESS I ADMIT I'M WRONG, YOU HAVE TO ASSUME I'M WHITE! I MEAN RIGHT! > I just want to know, what kind of reality-blocking bubble do the tv show > people live in? Are newspapers banned? Is normal TV blocked off? Are books > not allowed? In most TV shows, they have to pretend that there are no other TV shows, because that would lead to the characters having dangerous thoughts about the nature of external reality. I think this is why, to this day, whenever anyone on TV or in a movie turns on a television set, the only thing that's on is a black and white clip of cowboys shooting Indians, because there aren't any of those TV shows any more, and so it's acceptable to show Indians getting gunned down instead of anything that might disturb people. Of course, every once in a while they have to do the sitcom episode where they dream they meet the surviving cast of "Gilligan's Island" or the one where they appear on "Jeopardy!" due to a computer error. Every time they do this, the nature of reality cracks. Science-fiction films and TV are particularly confused as to the nature of reality because the characters have to pretend "These giant space bugs are completely real! But there's never been any science fiction and nobody's ever even thunk up giant bugs before!" because the characters can't say, "Hey, that's a cool gun! It's just like the ones they had on 'Star Trek'!" unless the writers are those pompous types that think that what they're writing is the only time good science fiction has ever written so it's much better than all that sci-fi drek, which is usually the sign you're watching something really inane, like "The Postman". -- K. I think to promote racial equality we should give awards to the best black people that say they are honorary white people, and make the best white people honorary black people, and then all your role models will be people of both hues. And we can safely ignore all the Latinos and Asian- Americans because they don't count because there aren't any on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If I had a holodeck... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 22:36:18 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor cwillgren@earthlink.net wrote: > WHOOSH! SUPREME DELUXE KONTEXT-AWAY 2000 EFFERVESCES CONTEXT DOWN THE DRAIN! > A time machine wouldn't let you have hot sex with the Quaker Oats guy, SIZZLE! KONTEXT-AWAY IMPLODES BACK INTO ITS ORIGINAL PACKING CONTAINER FOR SAFE DISPOSAL OF ALL CONTEXT BY-PRODUCTS! -- K. Great, now I have the mental image of Wilford Brimley making hot sex from boiling water and cereal. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If I had a holodeck... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 22:48:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor On the subject of using technology to simulate famous historical personae for sexual purposes, cwillgren@earthlink.net wrote: > > But the computer system would only have history to work from so you'd just > end up talking to an AI version of the Bible when you talk to Jesus. > > And the back of an oatmeal container when you talk to the Quaker Oats guy. > > ME: "When did you live?" > QOG: "I lived in copyright 1999." Kibo: So, what is the world like in your time? Idealized Quaker: It's cylindrical. And filled with flattened oats. You have to rip the paper off the top of the Universe to get the oats out. Kibo: Do you eat the oats? Idealized Quaker: Heavens no! I can't leave this little TV-screen shape that goes around my head. Also I don't have arms. Kibo: If you've spend your whole life inside a fake TV screen on a cardboard can, how did you learn modern English? Idealized Quaker: I didn't. The holodeck is simulating you talking to a can of oats. You see, you asked the holodeck if you could talk to me. But the holodeck had never seen a can of oats, and even if it had it couldn't make one talk, so it just sent some pulses of electrons into your brain to make you THINK you had a working holodeck. You're really just sitting naked in a beanbag chair and don't even own a holodeck. Kibo: Oh. Holodeck, end program! Idealized Quaker: Also, when you used your imaginary holodeck to create your imaginary holodeck, you told it to create a perfect simulation of a talking can of oats, and a perfect simulation of a can of oats doesn't have an off switch because cans of oats only occur in supermarkets, not holodecks. I'm afraid you can never leave. Kibo: Computer! End program! Emergency override alpha one! Code seven zed infinity! Activate oatmeal destruct! Idealized Quaker: In fact, there's not even such a thing as oatmeal. You just made it all up. Look, I'll give you a glimpse of what's REALLY outside... (Kibo looks into the end of the oatmeal box. Inside he sees a bunch of yellow circles with smiling faces bouncing off each other as they float through a formless void. Some of them are saying "YADDA, YADDA, YADDA," some are saying "BEABLE, BEABLE, BEABLE," and some are saying "DOIDY, DOIDY, DOIDY." None are Quakers or are eating oatmeal or in a holodeck.) Kibo: Wow, that sucks! I think I'll stay here talking to my imaginary oatmeal. -- K. And that was the worst episode of "The Prisoner" ever. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If I had a holodeck... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 05:51:38 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > "proc@somewhere.com" wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Great, now I have the mental image of Wilford Brimley making > > > hot sex from boiling water and cereal. > > > > Before you mentioned this, I hadn't put it together that he meant ol' > > Wilford. For some reason I just assumed he meant the Quaker guy on the > > front of the Quaker Oats package. > > I think Wilford Brimley makes the image about a bajillion times worse. > > > See? Kibo can always make ANYTHING a bajillion times worse. > > Behold the amazing power of Kibo! That reminds me, I have to buy some durians for Saturday's party. -- K. No more asafetida's permitted at work. But I don't think a durian has been in that building yet... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barking mad Colonel invents rocket car! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 6 Sep 1999 23:04:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I saw this story on the BBC's 9 o'clock news, and the full story can be > found here (and you can view the original news footage): > > http://news.bbc.co.uk/hi/english/world/middle_east/newsid_440000/440161. > stm > > (sorry, you'll have to fix the link yourself.) I would just like to digress and point out that when HTML files (.html) are stored on primitive Earth computers which can only store dot-three filename extensions, .html becomes .htm, but when SHTML files (the extra "S" is for "Server-Side Includes") are stored as dot-threes, .shtml becomes .stm instead of .sht because nobody likes saying "shit". I once saw a prototype of one of those pathetic little things that was supposed to make an Atari 2600 into a real computer (basically, it was an entire computer that sat on top of a 2600) where they didn't have room on the sub-Chiclet-size "SHIFT" key to print "SHIFT" so instead they printed "SHT". > Say, doesn't that car look oddly familiar? Hey, wait a minute. Has > ANYONE ever seen Colonel Gaddafi and David Hasselhoff in the SAME > PLACE, at the SAME TIME? What I immediately noticed is that the hood ornament is clearly a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Federation arrowhead-on-an-ellipse. > From the above link: > > > > Gaddafi invents 'rocket car' > > [...] > > Dukhali Al-Meghareff, chairman of the Libyan Arab Domestic > > Investment company which produced the prototype, billed it > > as revolutionary in automotive history. Never before has a nutty dictator invented a car! Except for Hitler. And Henry Ford. And Sun Myung Moon's Panda car. Okay, maybe all wacko control-freaks refuse to drive anything they didn't personally design. So I think we should make it illegal for anyone to ever again invent a new car, because then there will be no more dictators ever. > Here is what Mr Meghareff has to say about the car at a press > conference: > > > "The leader spent so many hours of his valuable time thinking > > of an effective solution. It is the safest car produced > > anywhere," Mr Meghareff said. > > > > "The invention of the safest car in the world is proof that > > the Libyan revolution is built on the happiness of man." > > You REALLY need to hear this to get the full effect (go to the above > link and listen for yourself). This is what I think Mr Meghareff > really wanted to say: > > "Ok, you and I know it's a really stupid car. But the Colonel > is a fruit cake, and he'd shoot me if I told him. So let's > just pretend that we all like the car and everybody's happy." > > > He added that the provocative name of the car was meant to > > highlight that while others made rockets to kill, Libya > > designed them for humane and peaceful purposes. > > DUH! DUH! DUH! DUH! DUH! Is that the sound of dancing bears I hear? Oh. It's not really rocket-powered? Sigh. I wanted one. My favorite sound bite from the audio version of the interview is where the reporter said "...it apparently has an electronic defense system." This car will make highways much safer by allowing you to vaporize all the other cars with your magical death lazer! -- K. It's only spelled "lazer" when talking about the type of lasers they only have in Bad Sci-Fi Land. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barking mad Colonel invents rocket car! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 02:01:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [NERD ARTICLE INVOLVING HOMEMADE COMPUTERS AND SPACESHIP PROPULSION SYSTEMS] Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I would just like to digress and point out that when HTML files > > (.html) are stored on primitive Earth computers which can only store > > dot-three filename extensions, .html becomes .htm, but when SHTML > > files (the extra "S" is for "Server-Side Includes") are stored as dot- > > threes, .shtml becomes .stm instead of .sht because nobody likes > > saying "shit". > > But EVERYONE likes to say "hitm"! Early HTML-editing programs tended to attempt to come up with cute names based on the letters in "HTML" -- examples included HoTMetaL and HotTaMaLe. Of course, those are both among the world's worst attempts at fitting a phrase to someone else's acronym. And "hot metal", in the graphic arts, means a Linotype machine (because it sprayed molten metal into the mold for each line you wanted to set) and to me that's just about as far as you can get from anything that will help you do pretty-looking graphic design. What I've always wondered is why "Hypertext Markup Language" isn't abrreviated "HTMUL" or "HML" depending on whether you not you count the second half of each compound word. Apparently "Text" is a word but "Up" isn't. > > I once saw a prototype of one of those pathetic little things that was > > supposed to make an Atari 2600 into a real computer (basically, it was > > an entire computer that sat on top of a 2600) where they didn't have > > room on the sub-Chiclet-size "SHIFT" key to print "SHIFT" so instead > > they printed "SHT". > > I just invented something similar to make a WebTV into a real > computer. No, DON'T laugh! I SAID DON'T LAUGH!!! Just take a > regular "magic" marker, and a "regular" WebTV, then write "SHIT" on it > (the WebTV not the marker) in BIG FAT letters. Then throw it out the > window. ON FIRE! THE END! It would actually be possible to make a fairly nice computer out of a WebTV, just by throwing some new software onto it (over the phone line.) The WebTV Plus has a moderate-sized hard disk drive, and it obviously can display graphics, and it has a reasonably useful central processor chip (pretty wimpy by desktop computer standards, but most desktop computers are much faster than they need to be to look at the Web, write spreadsheets, or allow you to type bad pornographic fiction.) The WebTV is essentially what you would get if you took a computer made about four or five years ago, took away the operating system shell, and made the thing boot directly into a Web browser -- so that you could run only that one program. Ever. But suppose the good folks at WebTV Inc. wrote a tiny little operating-system shell so that when you turned on the box it asked you, "Do you want to (a) use the Web browser to surf? or (b) use the word processor to type? or (c) use the spreadsheet to do some calculations?" Obviously they'd have to write a word-processor program and a spreadsheet program, but both are much less complex than the average graphical Web browser. The main problems would be that (a) the programs would have to fit into the WebTV's reprogrammable ROMs -- because it runs its programs from the ROM, and not the hard disk -- and (b) Microsoft owns WebTV and so they probably don't want you turning it into a real computer, because they sell the operating system that you have to buy (for $90 or more, depending on the version) with 90% of the desktop computers sold today. The WebTV, despite its marketing as "it's NOT a computer!" is really just a computer that's been crippled in such a way as to prevent you from ever breaking it, which they did by removing the operating system so that there's nothing you can ever change or configure or disable. Imagine that it's a computer with a Web browser in ROM. Of course, it still sucks because it connects to your TV set and so it has to display everything in TRULY ENORMOUS BLURRY FLICKERY HELVETICA LETTERS, and it's a royal pain to type in a message using the little TV-style remote control (the optional $80 keyboard is barely better with its toy-sized keys) and I think this is why most messages from WebTV users tend to look like this: DEAR YOU,,, I LIKE MIT- TENS. THE EN ...they think that everyone else has a twenty-column-wide screen like they do, and it's so laborious to type in the message that their attention span wanes by the end of the first sentence. (Note how I didn't start making fun of WebTV users until after that very long paragraph above.) The sole advantage the WebTV had was price ($99 for the "Classic" super- wimpy unit, $199 for "Plus" which could actually do stuff) until recently; now the computer vendors are pushing those allegedly "free" computers, where they take a shoddy North Korean $399 computer and give you a $400 rebate if you sign up for 36 months of bad Internet access at $30 per month. That's right, it costs about $1000 to get a $400 computer for free. (Some of these deals are even cheesier -- for instance, there are NetZero and FreePC, which give you the computer on the condition that you use them a certain number of hours per month while they display advertisements in half of the screen, the difference between the two services being the number and size of the ads. I've actually heard people discussing the relative merits of NetZero vs. FreePC.) > [re: Colonel Gaddafi's rocket car] > > > What I immediately noticed is that the hood ornament is clearly a > > "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Federation arrowhead-on-an-ellipse. > > And when you press it, it goes "bliddly-bleep"! And Mr Worf > says: "Hey! Don't do that! Grrrr!", and then starts singing in > Klingon. Badly. And every time I try to honk the horn, Patrick Stewart yells "THANK YOU, MISTER DATA!!!" and the dashboard awards me 10,000,000 points. And if I ram my car into the Borg ship three times, Worf says "SUPER JACKPOT!" and Troi whines, "I AM SENSING A LIT EXTRA BALL!" but that never happens because the car's top right flipper is ALWAYS broken no matter which arcade you go to, even ones not run by the Mafia. > > Never before has a nutty dictator invented a car! Except for Hitler. > > "To the Hitler-mobile!" THEY SAVED HITLER'S WIENERMOBILE! > > And Henry Ford. And Sun Myung Moon's Panda car. Okay, maybe all > > wacko control-freaks refuse to drive anything they didn't personally > > design. > > In that case you better add Sir Clive Sinclair to your list! (I mean > to your list of dictators, not your list of consumer friendly sewage > names.) > > (You'd think he would have learned when he invented C5, but oh no, he > had to go and invent the "Zike"! Duh!) Is he the guy who also invented the computer which came with 1K of RAM and cost extra if you bought it in assembled form? Now, that Sinclair computer wouldn't have seemed so pathetic five or six years earlier, when it would be competing against these "kit" computers with tiny amounts of RAM and hexadecimal keypads, but they were marketing it as an ultra-cheap alternative to things like the Commodore 64, which only had sixty-four times as much RAM for just over twice the price. So the Commodore 64, like most computers of its era, could hold about forty pages of text, and the Sinclair could hold part of a page. It was the WebTV of its day. > > So I think we should make it illegal for anyone to ever again invent > > a new car, because then there will be no more dictators ever. > > Yeah! I mean an evil dictator would NEVER do ANYTHING illegal! I just regret that in the past ten years, not one super-cheap fifties-style sci-fi movie has been made (I mean ones where the budget is under $1000) so that we can again hear the phrase, "We are a very advanced civilization. We have DECLARED WAR ILLEGAL!") > > My favorite sound bite from the audio version of the interview is > > where the reporter said "...it apparently has an electronic defense > > system." This car will make highways much safer by allowing you > > to vaporize all the other cars with your magical death lazer! > > > > It's only spelled "lazer" when talking about the type of lasers > > they only have in Bad Sci-Fi Land. > > > > But it's spelled "phaser" in Really Bad Sci-Fi Land. I remember, in "The Making of Star Trek", reading the list of other names that Gene Roddenberry and the people who actually wrote the show considered, including "BEE gun" (Beam of Electrical Energy) and my personal favorite, "CLEB gun" (which I think was Coherent Light- Emission Beam or other scrambling of words used to describe lasers.) Gene didn't want to just say "LASER" because they had been invented several years earlier, and were thus no longer cool or useful (and besides, it was an acronym, so the actors would have to speak in all caps, just like when Lloyd Bridges would put on his S.C.U.B.A. tanks.) So they had "phasers" instead of lasers and "impulse engines" instead of "non-bogus engines" and "warp drive" instead of "magical fairy physics". At the moment, my favorite Real Science Moment comes when, aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise, which is powered by throwing chunks of antimatter at chunks of matter to change the geometry of space, they come across a spaceship which has "ion power", and Scotty starts drooling over how much cooler "ion power" is compared to the Enterprise's lame old exploding-antimatter-which-changes-the-shape-of-the-Universe propulsion. Recently, NASA has launched a few spacecraft which are propelled by ion power. I think Deep Space Two is one of them. Why do they keep naming spaceships and space stations after stupid things, like TV shows and Internet personalities? -- K. And home come they never named any spaceships after the Eagle from "Space: 1999"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barking mad Colonel invents rocket car! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 04:14:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [discussion of WebTV ergonomics] > > > > [...] and I think this is why most messages from WebTV users tend > > to look like this: > > > > DEAR YOU,,, > > I LIKE MIT- > > TENS. THE > > EN > > DEAR WBTV OWNR,,, > U R A PQQY HED. END Oh, great. Now I'm going to go around shouting "PQQY! PQQY!" for the rest of the week, and I don't even know how to pronounce a double Q! I can't just say it as if it's a double O because people have to be able to tell the double Q from the double O because double Qs are more *s*p*e*c*i*a*l*! Maybe I'll just have to yell the O's with my tongue hanging out. (CUE A NURSE TO QUOTE FROM THAT XEROXED LIST OF WACKY ONE-LETTER NAMES FOR VEGETATIVE PATIENTS, HOSPITALS ARE FUNNY PLACES, HAR HAR) > > [re the Timex/Sinclair $99 computer] > > > > It was the WebTV of its day. > > Except you couldn't connect it to the Web. But you could connect it to a TV. And, unlike the WebTV, you could get the SAME picture no matter whether it was attached to a color or a black and white TV! WebTV gives you LESS COLOR and a black and white TV than it does on a color TV! But the Timex/Sinclair was just as usable with a crummy old B&W as it was with a crummy new TV! > -- > Simon Clark I keep confusing you with the concept of a weird genetic cross between Simon Fraser and Brian Clark, and so you'd write a newsreader program which would be named YMAT-NewsWatcher, and it would have two slightly different versions of every feature, and then there would be a big football game between Simon Fraser University (in Nova Scotia) and Brian Clark University (in Nova Schenectady). And everyone would mistakenly refer to your two universities as "Simon Frasier" and "Brian Clarik". And only the left side of your body would allow people to post pornographic pictures to Usenet. -- K. Maybe only the left sides of the pictures, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bull-doidy of the week! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 00:43:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I'm continue to observe that there is still bull-krunk in the world today: "The only sports show that gives you more than the scores is 'RealSports'." -- commercial on HBO (you know, that all-movie channel that's mostly sports and commercials for sports) And some slightly older examples of bull-sil that I've been sitting on: [on evil computer hackers] "The irony is that these guys have become a menace and nobody has recognized it." -- John C. Dvorak, "The Hacker Ethic", _PC Magazine_ 8/99 [I'm glad that finally ONE person in the world has realized that evil computer hackers are evil! Maybe now they'll show up in a movie.] [and then there's this article in the same issue of the same magazine:] "The Web's Hip-Hop Future" -- title of article by Jake Kirchner [as if that's not bull-silly enough, take a gander at the thesis sentence:] "The Internet is barely out of the infant stage, and it already has a mature feel to it." [he then goes on to discuss how the Internet doesn't have any kids on it. Choice quote:] "Today's Web culture is made up of large, established communities.... Although they're many and varied, these communities share one trait: They're overwhelmingly adult-oriented." [At the end of the article, he predicts that in the future there will be some teenagers on the Internet.] "They don't think of it as a cool place to hang out, which explains why the Web is thankfully free of the hip-hop sensibility that marks much of America today." -- K. OH NO! THERE IS HIP-HOP IN THE WORLD NOW! GET MY GUN! KEEP THOSE NEE-GERS OFF MY INTERNET!!! YOUR SKIN MUST BE AT LEAST AS WHITE AS TO USE THIS NETWORK! (Short shameful confession: I knew that "#FFF0CC" would make a nice ivory-beige without having to look it up because I am a math prodigy who can convert racism directly to hexadecimal.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.econ,talk.politics.theory,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Commoditilize Real Estate; Natl.Sales tax to replace Income tax Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 02:32:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.econ and talk.politics.theory, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Now consider if there existed a huge national/international > > company of Real Estate, [...] > > So, when looking out across the USA, every home is a Airstream > trailer. Okay. Let's imagine that for some reason the Universe got stuck in 1958 and then the Airstream corporation gained a total monopoly on all real estate everywhere in the world (through a computer error) and all people forgot the difference between trailers and real estate. > Now, let us try to imagine what this future uniformity of > homes would entail for the better. Well, it would mean that time is going backwards, and along with Airstreams, hula hoops and poodle skirts will be the height of fashion, and kinescopes and vacuum tubes will be the pinnacle of technology. Also, you'd only be about eight years old. (As if that would make a difference.) > One betterment would be that property taxes would be tend to be uniform > throughout the USA except for the lot that the Airstream rests upon. Especially because the laws of physics would be changed to prevent people from altering or improving their Airstreams in any way, to prevent Airstreams from falling apart with age, and to prevent any Airstream from ever being older or newer than any others. > Another betterment would be a "quality expectation". We know the quality > of Airstreams and so all of us in our Airstream homes would know the quality. It would be just like living inside a tiny little trailer for the rest of your life, only it would have rounded corners to lower wind resistance as it sits on the lot where Archimedes Plutonium mandated its placement. > Another betterment would be the uniformity in plumbing electricity OW! THE TOILET KEEPS SHOCKING ME! > and other home improvements. Manufactures need to only make their home > improvement items fit an Airstream. As if there would be any big business like that once you replaced their offices with an Airstream. They wouldn't be able to have more than two employees because they'd never be able to get past each other in the hallway. > Probably the best improvement of a commoditized home would be that the > economics of it would drive the price to the "lowest price for a > quality home" Yes, because all Airstreams would be in exactly the same location. Archie, are you a big duh? > To drive it to lowest price yet quality would have several large > companies competing to make these commodity homes. Such as in the > auto industry where many huge companies compete and thus delivering > the highest quality at the cheapest price to consumers. That's right! The cars with the cheapest prices are the highest quality! Every time a Mercedes plows into a Kia, it's always the Kia that survives! > Homes are a consumption item Dear Archimedes Plutonium: Please post more of your recipes after you finish eating your house. > Given time, consumer items that are the cheapest yet high quality > will take the market share. Given time, commoditized-homes-Real-Estate > will gradually grow to take more and more of the market share. We > already are experiencing the trend towards > commoditized-home-Real-Estate in the modular homes and buildings that > are manufactured elsewhere and trucked onto the building site. As > modular home building increases, they can offer homes at a cheaper > price yet more quality than regular homebuilding and thus grab more > market share. And just think, once all buildings everywhere have been replaced by Airstreams, Archie would have to buy a second Airstream that he could use to tow his home to Dartmouth from Halifax once a week so that he could post to the Internet from the computers located in Dartmouth's science library, which would be in the back half of an Airstream. -- K. Arch, have you ever considered that just maybe you're a bozo? MAYBE. I don't want to say you're definitely a bozo -- that would be rude because it wouldn't leave open the possibility that you're an idiot instead of a bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.geo.geology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: S4b Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 02:38:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, "MSGeo" asked why Manley Hubbell wasn't allowed on the Penn State campus. Quoted in full, I believe Manley's response makes it perfectly clear: > From: Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) > Subject: S4b > Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology > Date: 06 Sep 99 10:23:01 GMT > > Monday Search4_S... & Black Bird's B ? > 40 scale > S4 .... > From: MSGeo (nospam@illlok.net) > Date: Thu, 02 Sep 1999 14:32:26 GMT > sage-Id: <7qm1pp$ost@library1.airnews.net> > >... as a "THREE Ring CIRCUS" here in Portland, Oregon; USA; N.A. > >?? > How come you can't set foot on the University, Manley? > ------------------------------------------------------ > well? I won't attempt to reply to the questions directly > but will do the best I can to direct the questions > to a source from which the replies requested would come from! !! > ============================================================= > remember, my version, of these times, would be quite different. > My now standard responce to the Hindo, questioning, along the > same lines { they really get lots & LOTS of laughs from that } > ARE > 1: I was at Eniwetok, "April", of `58 > 2: "WAS" Politically Active at PSU ten years later (1968) > 3: Hill(RY) { i call her that } @ "PSU" 31 years later 99 > :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::bb > end of Hindo version going on with preamble anyway > Well, she, [Hill(RY)], took the Mayors(V.K.) Chief(of Police) East > I thin "Maryland"'s a word? wherever Moose(PC) went to there? > NOT FAR FROM DC? U C > ???????????????? > ok1: PSU? {is not PencilVainA State U, which arth "PSU" 2U} > Linkname: Thesis Preparation in Word > URL: http://www.geol.pdx.edu/ComputerLab/ThesisPrep.html > Linkname: menu > URL: http://www.cpso.pdx.edu/ > ----------------------------------- well? I tried to find a path2 > "Deb" > under CSSO > after .pdx.ed > but i could not even find CSSO so Nodeb or Debra or however Rusel > spells "HER" name IF interested Call PSU Voice > I DID FIND > cpso > but i don't thin thats a valid clue, as i thin its a different .org > and you want the double $ for sure "SS" > OR ? try watching the 60 minutes, "super special" 2hr documentry > later this upcomming dcade. > ____Line 44 Notice this message was posted several hours ago > on a Local no web(net) affailliation whatever, as a preservative. > > > 3:27 A.M.PST NOW MY BRAINS HURT. -- K. The best part is that it's obvious that he spent about three hours pushing those pieces of words around to make the pretty pattern, and the fact that he spent so much time preparing it makes it impossible to understand. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Dancing Bears of Bull are working overtime this weekend... Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 03:02:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [warning: nerdy article about computer security] From Microsoft's web site: > Microsoft Security Bulletin > > There is no "Back Door" in Windows > > Originally Posted: September 03, 1999 > > Summary > > A report alleges that Microsoft "may have installed a 'back door' for the > National Security Agency... making it orders of magnitude easier for the > US government to access their computers". This allegation is false. > > What's the allegation? > > The report alleges that a cryptographic key that ships as part of the > CryptoAPI architecture is labeled "NSA key" and constitutes a "back door" > that could be used by government agencies to start or stop system security > services on user's computers. > > Is the allegation true? > > No. Microsoft does not leave "back doors" in our products. DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS DANCING BEARS "http://www.server.com/filename.asp" "http://www.server.com/filename.asp." One of these things is not like the other. One of these things is a back door in a specific version of Microsoft's IIS web server, which shows you the source code of the particular ASP script in question -- this security hole could only have been inserted deliberately. In other words, something has to go out of its way to see if you've typed an extra dot and then serve you the source code of the script you're pointing at. I'd say that could only be a deliberate security hole, also known as a "back door". > [...] > > Why the backup key labeled "NSA key"? > > This is simply an unfortunate name. The NSA performs the technical review > for all US cryptographic export requests. The keys in question are the > ones that allow us to ensure compliance with the NSA's technical review. > Therefore, they came to known within Microsoft as "the NSA keys", and this > name was included in the symbol information for one of the keys. However, > Microsoft holds these keys and does not share them with anyone, including > the NSA. Remember, kids, it's a BACKUP key, not a BACK DOOR key, and it's only an "unfortunate" coincidence that it's named after the agency that required them to put it in. The last sentence is the good one: "Yes, it's a back door key, but Microsoft didn't give it to NSA, Microsoft owns the only copy of the back door key to your computer." -- K. Of course, it could turn out that this report is just paranoia and that Microsoft didn't put in any back doors in the Windows cryptography, just like it's possible that Bill Gates isn't sleazy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: What's with all the Dancing Bears of Bullkrunk this weekend? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 7 Sep 1999 03:42:59 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This is a technical support document from Apple's Web site. > TITLE > > Multiple Scan 15 Display: Interference Causes Skewing > > TOPIC > > > I have a Multiple Scan 15 Display and the top of the video image is > skewed. As the is rotated around in a circle, the problem gets worse or > better. This problem occurs even when the monitor is not sitting on the > computer or close to the computer. Try deleting random words from your sentences until the is gone or at least the incomprehensible. > DISCUSSION > > The symptoms described appear to be a classic case of external > interference. Nothing could possibly be wrong with any video monitors made by Apple. > Your guess that it is most likely due to the earth's magnetic field > is most likely correct. So stop reading the tech support database if you're just going to make your own diagnoses anyway, Doctor Einstein! > In any event, it seems as though something external to the display > is causing the problem. Try the following: > > 1. Move the display/CPU to a different building Dear customer, We're sorry your $400 Apple display sucks. Try buying a new house. If that doesn't fix the problem, at least you won't worry about how much the monitor cost you. > and see if the problem persists. My guess is that it will then work > satisfactorily --indicating a problem in the environment you have it now. Welcome to the Technical Guessing Database. > 2. If there are metal objects in the area (ie. large metal cabinets, > desks, or other fixtures), use a hand held degaussing coil to demagnetize > these items. They can be the source of the problem. Be sure to run the degaussing coil over all metal objects, such as your external hard drives. > Finally, if the problem is the earth's magnetic field there is not much > you can do to correct the situation unless you move the monitor elsewhere, > or swivel it on its axis to a point that minimizes the distortion. All > monitors can adversely be affected by stray magnetic fields. Move the monitor farther away from the Earth. Try Mars, or Jupiter -- moving two planets away should do the trick. Have a nice day. -- K. I still like that the public accepts that these things are called "displays" and "monitors" when they're really just FANCY TEE-VEES THAT DON'T GET TEE-VEE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: spidercam Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 04:42:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Being that I was home sick yesterday, and being that I spent the day > scrunched in the couchal-unit, and being that my feet were encased in > slippers that were fuzzy, and being that the snot did pour forth from > the holes in the middle of my face, Leah, YOU'RE DISGUSTING! STOP BEING SICK, DAMMIT! > I did partake of some televisual enjoyments. > > One of these was the mid-afternoon news. The obligatory weather > report included a shot of the live camera pointed at the downtown > Seattle area. When they cut to this shot, a spider was walking across > the lens, so it appeared, of course, to be landing on the city. Was the spider on the outside or the inside of the camera lens? Because if he was on the inside, it would have been funnier. But you can't change it just for the Internet because it really happened. > How disappointed was I that the weatherguy didn't do any of the > following: > > 1. He didn't turn around and exclaim "AAAAAAAGH!!! HOLY CRAP!" Then he would have been immediately replaced by a test pattern showing cockroaches crawling up the NTSC color bars. > 2. He didn't say "light showers with some sunbreaks and a chance of > spider." You know, if a weatherman squishes a spider, it makes it rain. This is why we should kill all weathermen, so that there will never again be any rain. By the way, for the few bozos left in the world who really do still believe that squishing a spider makes it rain, exactly what is the proposed means of interaction between the spider's vital signs and the moisture content and electropotentials of cumulonimbus clouds? I'd ask Bernard Vonnegut but he's dead now, as Kurt Vonnegut is going to inform us over and over and over for the remainder of his literary career. > 3. He didn't say "And I, for one, welcome our new arachnid overlords..." "New"? You mean you didn't know? > No. Passing up any chance of reacting in any way, he completely > IGNORED the spider. He pretended there wasn't a big black fuzzy thing > crawling across the city of Seattle, and then cut to the boring > weather map. > > I think this town takes itself WAY too seriously. Someone should squish your town. > PS: This month's Smithsonian magazine has an article on durians. I gotta run right out and buy it, unless the durians aren't on the cover, in which case I can probably just rip the pages right out of the library's copy. Hey, it's not like it's a magazine store where they're trying to sell the thing -- the library already paid for their copy so I'm not causing anyone any loss if I destroy it! Also I gotta steal all the "STOP" signs from everywhere in the world except in front of my driveway, because I'm a good citizen and so I want to leave one. > PPS: The sign on the sub shop down the street says "The new BREAD > ZEPPELIN is HERE!" > So they make them out of BREAD now! Kibo, you need to stay current on > these matters. "New"? You mean they didn't know? My Bread Zeppelin has been here since 1976. It's got thick ochre, tan, taupe, and beige racing stripes which have rounded ninety-degree bends as they go from the geometric cloud into the geometric daisy. Hey, I can't help it if all the guys who designed these Bread Zeppelins in the seventies were stoned off these low-quality '70s drugs that made them hallucinate only in earth tones. Also, it tastes kind of stale. -- K. And there's a spider crawling across each of the portholes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: NY Cop Found in Subway, Not Sure Why Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 04:53:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Associated Press just disseminated: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- An off-duty police officer insists he doesn't > know how he ended up deep inside a subway tunnel, covered with > soot, with one ankle broken and evidence he had fired 15 shots. Typo. They wrote "fired" when they meant "drank". > Service on three subway lines in lower Manhattan was interrupted > for nearly four hours on Labor Day after David Mercado shot out a > train signal to get someone to rescue him. Oh, yeah, it's impossible to just walk to the next subway station when you're between two of those Manhattan stations that are, like, hundreds of miles apart. Of course, that's assuming that his broken ankle didn't happen before he walked halfway into the tunnel. > The misadventures of Officer Mercado, I can't believe they're still making "Dukes of Hazzard" sequels! And just to make them even worse, they're setting them in New York City! > 34, began after he finished a shift at Police Headquarters with Leslie Neilsen and Rex Kramer as Abraham Lincoln! > late Sunday and went out with two fellow officers. Police declined > to say whether alcohol was consumed. DEE YADDA DADDA DADDA, DEE YADDA DADDA DADDA, BRRRRRING ONNNNN THEEEEEE DAAAANCING OOOOOBVIOUS BEARS OF ALCOHOL! > He told investigators he boarded a northbound train near Canal > Street around 4:30 a.m. Monday, but doesn't remember anything else > until he awoke in the subway tunnel with his ankle apparently > broken in two places. Fortunately, both were in Manhattan. > After that, Mercado said, he spent more than three hours in the > tunnel, yelling and covering a train signal with his shirt in > futile efforts to attract someone to rescue him. Couldn't he just push the big red "RAT" button on the wall which summons the exterminators and janitors to clean and sanitize the entire subway system whenever anyone sees a rat? Oh, wait, I forgot, this is New York City, not a magical fantasyland that doesn't smell like pee. > He was finally found about 8 a.m. after he attracted the > attention of a subway motorman by shooting out the signal. It's too bad police don't have radios or anything. > Police said 15 empty shell casings were found in the area, and > believe Mercado had emptied his service pistol. So, how badly not drunk was this guy who needed to fire 15 times at a five-inch diameter light bulb at point-blank range? > Mercado, a six-year veteran, was suspended from duty pending an > investigation, said Officer Kevin Tyrell. ...who then went out and got drunk while riding on top of one of the World Trade Center's elevators, and tried to jump across to the other car. In the other tower. -- K. That reminds me, I need to go to New York while the weather's still good, to photograph stupid stuff. I could use some help finding the stupid stuff... are any of you folks in New York City? Or haven't they hooked up the Internet there yet? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A random, almost imperceptible thought Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 06:02:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [random thoughts, as if there's another kind] > > A couple of days ago someone advised me to submit my writings to a > magazine or periodical. The problem was that the only magazine I could > think of that would be somehow even vaguely appropriate is "Psychology > Review". Also known as "Psychology Yesterday". > Abandon Bob Hope all ye who enter here. Dispatch, this is Chopper One, we have an abandoned Bob Hope by the 101 interchange, please advise. ("Please advise." is police talk for "Can we fire the machine gun yet?") > I hope I don't die, because then [...] > I'll never see the day when Kibo finally gives it > up and gets all Shatner on our asses. "JESUS! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU > PEOPLE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I EXPECTED THIS NEWSGROUP TO LAST > MAYBE SIX, NINE MONTHS TOPS! I'M SICK OF TRYING TO BE FUNNY ALL THE > TIME! WHAT AM I, SOME SORT OF PERFORMANCE MONKEY FOR YOU NEEDY, LOW- > SELF-ESTEEM-DRIVEN BASTARDS? GET THE HELL OFF USENET! THE SUN IS > SHINING OUT THERE! *GET* A FREAKIN' *LIFE*!!" Have I told everyone here lately that I LOVE YOU ALL? I'm asking just because I LOVE YOU ALL! and I'd give all of you a big hug if some of you were less icky. > And then we'll be shell-shocked for a while, and then incomprehension > will be quickly followed by anger, followed by denial, followed by > acceptance, followed by Sleepy, Sneezy, Queasy, Dancer, Prancer, Blitzen > and Noriega. After a few short months everything will fall right back > into place again, and everything will be back to normal, because Kibo > cannot escape his destiny. We will welcome him back with soft murmurs > of approval, and place him back into his pre-ordained track, and allow > him to continue to believe that it's a 'groove', not a 'rut'. I am now in complete control of your puny lives! People! All reading the Internet! Dance! Dance as I pull the string! Dance the dance that one is created to dance! Whoops, gotta go, they need me on Moonbase Alpha. Can I finish this pop-culture reference in the morning? > And across the KiboLand, the chanting will continue as if nothing had > ever interrupted it. As it was, as it shall be, forever and ever. > ATOM! > > And then it turns out that we're all LOBSTERS! Freaky, huh? The first time I read that, my brain saw "we're all LOSERS!" and I thought, "Hey! That's funny! Or it would be if he'd remembered that Kibo is the one here who isn't a loser in all caps!" But I love you all, whether you're losers or not! > And you people all thought that we were just monkeys with car keys! You folks are just monkeys with a license to drive the Internet. > According to the "This Was Your Life!" Chick tract, whispering is a sin. COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. PLEASE PRETEND I WHISPERED THAT SO I CAN BE "COOL"! IF THAT DOESN'T WORK AT LEAST I'LL GO TO HEAVEN FOR NOT WHISPERING! ALONG WITH ALL THOSE CRAZY PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND BRIGHAM CIRCLE SHOUTING OBSENITIES AT THEMSELVES ALL DAY! HEAVEN WILL BE WONDERFUL! EXCEPT FOR ALL THE PSYCHOTIC CREEPS! > That's all I have. Sorry. But I'll be dead soon, so you'll treasure > these words as if they were some shiny, yellow, golden material made > from gold-ish rock-like stuff. Remember, as my parting words: > > (a) All syllogisms have three parts > (b) Therefore, this one isn't. IS... TWO! HAR HAR HAR HAR!!! EXCUSE ME, I GOTTA GO PRACTICE NOT WHISPERING!!!!!!!!! !! K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: pre-party excursion Thursday afternoon (tomorrow) in Boston Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 8 Sep 1999 21:52:52 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor updated information at http://www.kibo.com/party says: At 1:00 PM Thursday (the 9th) Stefan Kapusniak and Kibo are meeting at Science Park Station (towards the northern end of the Green Line -- take any green train that says "LECHMERE" on the front -- that would be an "E" train, and don't panic if it has a weird red slash through the "E" logo. That doesn't mean anything.) If you want to join us, show up at 1:00! Look for us hanging around somewhere in the dinky little station. (Sending mail or calling Kibo to let us know you'll be there would be nice, if possible.) I think the two (or more) of us are going to laugh at all the exhibits in the science museum, then maybe go over to Chinatown 'cause I still need to buy a few more snack items for the party, and then we'll eat somewhere. Show up at 1 and we'll figure something out. Drop a note to kibo@world.std.com or if you can (party@kibo.com) if you want me to expect you tomorrow. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: pre-party excursion #2, Friday evening (tomorrow) in Boston Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1999 01:51:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Well, Stefan Kapusniak and I have now seen the Museum of Science. They had a new exhibit where you can learn that bee dances and the Internet are the same thing. I have to work tomorrow until probably near 7, but Stefan and I are meeting again to do something. We might walk down Newbury Street visiting the bookstores and ice cream parlors, or we might go to Toys R Us to individually mock every one of their action figures in alphabetical order. Or we might do something else. (We'll wing it depending on how many people show up and what they want to do.) Yeah, I know it's not much notice... Time: 7 P.M., Friday evening (that is, in about 20 hours) Place: Meet in the middle platform of the lower level (Red Line) of Park Street station. (This is the very center of the subway system, ride any 'Inbound' train on the Red or Green lines to get there; if you're on Orange or Blue, go inbound and change trains to Red or Green.) Remember, we're meeting on the middle (of three) Red Line platforms. (It's got benches.) I'll probably be wearing a yellow shirt and black jacket. As usual, this will soon be posted on http://www.kibo.com/party with the information about Saturday's party-like event. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: notes from pre-party excursions #1 and #2 Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1999 02:17:31 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Hope to see you at tomorrow's party! These are the notes I typed up on what some of us who are already in Boston did to kill time beforehand: Thursday: Yesterday, Stefan Kapusniak and I spent an afternoon together. Here are the details of the day's events, to the best of my recollection: We met at Science Park station. He failed to recognize me even though I was sitting next to him reading messages titled "Orange Cone submission" on my portable computer. My evil plan to disguise myself by gradually losing my hair is working! As we were walking across the pedestrian bridge (over the traffic circle you have to cross to exit the station), I pointed out how much construction there was, stretching to the horizon in all directions, for the Big Dig and other efforts to demolish Boston. As we were standing on the bridge looking at the construction, a guy driving a scooper-loader-excavator machine -- which was carrying a big metal box hanging from its scoop -- crashed its arm into the bridge. After it lowered its arm (which was still dangling the metal box) and crossed under, we noticed that the metal box contained nothing but half a bottle of Coke. Walking past the police station, we spotted an emergency police telephone kiosk, only of course with dangling wires where the telephone should have been, with a third of a bottle of Orbitz sitting on top! The Orbitz had been the yellow-dotted kind, except that all the dots on top had turned white, and the dots in the middle were white on top, and the dots on the bottom were still yellow. So, apparently, sunlight bleaches Orbitz, and Orbitz dots can shade each other from the sun. I declined to taste the old Orbitz. At the Museum of Science, we got in for the low low price of only ten dollars each (the rates go up a notch right before every visit) and they demanded to know what ZIP code Stefan lived in. I think the clerk keyed in "ENGLAND" instead of whatever weird UK Postal Code Stefan actually lives in. He wanted to see the hydraulics exhibit ("Fluidica") first, being a proper nerd. Fortunately, the lightning show was about to happen at the Theater Of Electricity, so I steered him away from the exhibit of blue water dripping through pipes and toward the area where things would soon be going "BANG!" Unfortunately, the museum wasn't very crowded, so there were no toddlers running away screaming when the lighning bolts struck. Also, the machine's operator was smart enough not to shock himself with the twenty-foot-long sparks this time. Damn! I'm never there when the guy accidentally sticks one of his fingers between the bars! (This has allegedly happened.) We explored the world of visual illusions, featuring Amigas illustrating The Margaret Thatcher Effect, which illustrates that any human being looks less weird if their eyes are not upside down when the rest of their head is upside down, unless they are Maggie Thatcher, whose eyes are always upside down. I don't know what we learned from this except that the Museum of Science thinks that Thatcher is deformed. Progressing to the space exhibits, featuring the 1/5 scale Skylab being flown by the 1/8 scale astronaut, I was disappointed to find that the button that makes Carl Sagan talk to you has been removed, and replaced by a computer running a Web browser pointed at a page that tells you about the wonders of "SETI@Home" and lets you personally design a message (shaped like your choice of a circle, square, triangle, or stick figure) to be beamed into outer space. Unfortunately, all the options lead to a JavaScript error. Whoops! We progressed to "Mathematica", where the little railroad going around the Mšbius strip was broken (as usual), and the Klien bottle was AWOL. We could not find Alexander Abian on the timeline of the death dates of all the great mathematicians who ever lived. Next up, we came to an exhibit which exhorted us to vote on which of the three buttons we liked the best. It was an interactive exhibit where we investigated the world of which type of button was the most fun to press. The Museum apparently wants to know which buttons they should put on future broken interactive exhibits. Curiously, the three types of buttons we could vote for (small round ones, smightly larger round ones, and big squishy foam rubber ones) were all inferior to the "Vote" button, which was rectangular and had actual words printed on it. Around the corner was an exhibit where the "Start" button was the space bar of a keyboard with a picture of a round red button drawn on it. Stefan refused to lick the giant salt crystal, even though I assured him from experience that it didn't taste that bad. (Of all the food that rings like a bell, the giant salt crystal is the closest to being edible.) The museum's new "Messages" exhibit was covered with signs saying "SMELL THE MESSAGE!" and "GUESS THE HOBO SIGN!" Stefan was properly impressed that I knew how to read hobo language. After the Museum of Science's exhibit halls closed, about twenty minutes before we finished look at "Messages", a staff member guided us to the exit. We went to the gift shop and I bought some all-raspberry flavor astronaut ice cream loaf and a wristwatch that contains live Sea-Monkeys. (Actually it doesn't yet, I have to rehydrate them and then use the "Aqua-Leash" (eyedropper) to put one in the watch.) We took a Green Line train to Boylston station, the only remaining one of Boston's hundred-year-old subway stations to have not had a facelift this century (or been cleaned), and walked through Chinatown via the Combat Zone. We only saw one guy buying drugs in public. We followed Washington Street to the 88 Super Market, one of my two favorite Chinese grocery stores, to buy some snacks for the party. (Fake Dr. Pepper from Taiwan, etc.) Afterwards, we walked past one end of the Big Dig as we went to the other end of Chinatown for dinner. We only saw one person urinating in public, next to a cherry-picker whose raised basket contained nothing save for two orange cones. We had dinner at The People's Cafeteria, which was good (as always) and then I accompanied Stefan most of the way home. (He picked a hotel which is way, way, way off the path of the rapid-transit system.) So, in one day, Stefan got to see a traffic accident, a drug deal, and public urination. Now he can return to England a happy man. Friday: Today's second pre-party impromptu waste of time: We gathered in the middle of Park Street station -- me, Stefan, William Gates, Dean Lenort, Matt McIrvin and Samantha Wilkinson. A random local eccentric almost joined our group -- he fit right in -- but then he wandered away after we stopped listening to his comments about how nice a fellow Paul Tsongas was. We took the Red Line toward South Bay Center (near Andrew station.) When the train stopped for a few minutes at South Station (they announced it was one of those minor scheduling delays that have nothing to do with anyone being murdered or anything worrisome like that) the doors opened and we saw an orange cone standing on the platform a few feet away. Mr. Gates ran over and appropriated it, placing it in the middle of the train car. It went all the way to Andrew with us, before he disposed of the cone in Andrew station. It was raining -- VERY -- and there was no shuttle bus in sight, so we had to walk through the pouring rain to get to dinner. At the K CafŽ. You know, the sumptuous bistro in the front of K Mart. Everyone but me complained about how gross it was, and yet I notice they all cleaned their plates really fast. (Me, I was still eating my meatballs when they were done and grumbling about how bad the food had been.) We went into the Toys R Us, where they forced us to check our bags against my will, and they clearly thought we were a vicious gang, 'cause an employee tailed us through the store, unobtrusively rearranging random items six feet down whatever aisle we happened to be on at that particular minute. She told me to stop taking pictures after she spotted me snapping "California Nails Barbie". We left Toys R Us, and couldn't decide where to go next, so we gave up and went home. Nobody liked my idea of going to the Prudential Star Market to play "Spot The Crazy People." The torrential rain stopped the moment I got home. -- K. Also I ate a whole hot dog from K-Mart. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Candid Camera' Creator Dies at 84 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 04:29:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > PEBBLE BEACH, Calif. (AP) -- Allen Funt's comical handiwork > always popped up where it was least expected: in a talking mailbox, > a trick coffee cup or a bowling ball that would roll back without > finger holes. ...whether you were in a bowling alley or not! I've often been surprised in the pivacy of my own home by marauding gangs of Allen Funt's unholey bowling balls. > Only after viewers enjoyed a hearty laugh would Funt's popular > catch phrase release his unwitting foil from befuddled wonder. > ``Smile!'' they'd be told. ``You're on 'Candid Camera!' '' And then they'd reply, "Not yet I ain't!" and flash The Finger. > Funt died Sunday at his Pebble Beach home of complications from > the 1993 stroke that forced him into retirement, the show reported > in a statement. He was 84. And still is! > ``Candid Camera,'' which Funt created, produced and directed, > aired off and on from 1948 to 1990 and was considered a forerunner > to other reality-based television shows. You know, like the news. > ``People toss around the word pioneer all the time, but Allen > Funt was really one of those rare people,'' said Michael Naidus, a > spokesman for CBS-TV. ``He created what has become an entire > programming genre.'' You know, the genre of "Candid Camera" knockoffs. NO OTHER SHOW HAS EVER SPAWNED IMITATION SHOWS! > The network continues to air ``Candid Camera'' on Friday > evenings, with Funt's son Peter and Suzanne Somers as hosts. We've secretly replaced Suzanne Somers's ThighMaster with a durian dipped in Krazy Glue. Let's watch! > In earlier years, Funt himself appeared in many ``Candid > Camera'' gags, along with such regulars as Dorothy Collins in the > 1960s and comedian and author Fannie Flagg (``Fried Green > Tomatoes'') in the 1970s. JoAnn Pflug does not exist. There has never been any such person as JoAnn Pflug. Eurasia is always at war with Allen Funt. > A young Woody Allen appeared in some early shows. But was he ever on "Candid Camera"? > The TV program was born of Funt's ``Candid Microphone,'' a radio > show the New York native originated after his Army service in World > War II. He was working as artist for an ad agency, but looking for > a different job. As opposed to all those other people out there looking for EXACTLY THE SAME JOB as the one they're in now! > ``I learned the power of radio watching Eleanor Roosevelt do her > show,'' he recalled in a 1987 interview with The Associated Press. "We had a radio you had to listen to with your eyes." > ``I used to go up to Hyde Park and hold her papers. I was just a > messenger, but it planted the bug of radio in me. Which led to his autobiographical artsy-fartsy movie, "Wax: Or, The Discovery Of 'Candid Camera' Among The Bees." > ``I got my hands on an old wire recorder that was the forerunner > of tape recorders,'' Funt said. ``That's how it began. In those > days, we had to lug around these enormous recorders and camera > equipment and find a place to conceal them.'' Whereas, in later episodes of "Candid Camera", instead of a bulky old wire recorder, they only had to conceal an entire TV studio behind the bookcase. It was ALWAYS a bookcase! Be suspicious of any room with a bookcase! DON'T GO IN THE LIBRARY! (Don Saklad might be filming you!) > The show had its television premiere, still called ``Candid > Microphone,'' on ABC in 1948. Alternative titles included "Candid Zoetrope", "Candid Symphony Orchestra Made Out Of Crumpled Tinfoil", and "Candid William Shatner's Hair", but they were eventually rejected in favor of the more descrptive "Duh Duh Duh Duh This Is A Stupid Title Duh Duh Duh Duh," which was later shortened to "Candid Microphone: The TV Show." > It bounced to different networks in its early years, eventually getting > picked up by CBS in 1960 for a seven-year run. And they didn't even know it! Allen Funt just hid it in one of their offices! > In 1960-61, it was the seventh-best rated show in the nation. Of course, there were only seven TV shows on the air back then. > A syndicated version ran from 1974-78. In the 1989-90 season, > CBS aired a number of ``Candid Camera'' specials featuring Allen > and Peter Funt as co-hosts. Could that have been the year of the writers' strike? > Funt was born in New York City and went on to earn a bachelor's > degree in fine arts from Cornell University. That was the sentence which marks where the newspapers are supposed to cut off the tail of the wire-service article with hedge clippers so that only those of us with direct access to the newsfeed can read the filler at the end. Candy comes in both soft and hard types. About half of all people are men. > Through the years, Funt said he was never caught in a > hidden-camera trick. At least... never caught in one so lame he NOTICED it! I think someone needs to run right out and do a Freedom Of Information Act request to find the National Security Agency's secret films of Allen Funt. > ``It's awfully hard to catch someone who does this for a > living,'' he said. ``Nobody ever really turned the tables on me.'' What? Nobody wanted there to be more Allen Funt on TV? > After his stroke, Funt remained an inspiration to his family, > Peter Funt said. ...he silently reminded them, "Don't have a stroke!" > ``He endured many hospitalizations and treatments, yet did so > with good spirit and a ferocious will to live,'' he said in a > statement Monday. Funeral services will involve his body being poked through a way-too-small hole in a green screen with a rainbow-colored film reel superimposed on it. (The shots of him squeezing his lemon-shaped head through the movie screen always scared me as a kid. And as a teenager. And in my nightmares still.) > Funt is survived by his five children. Seven, if you count the two hidden behind the bookcase. -- K. I normally try not to be mean to beloved dead TV personalities, except for the ones who liked to film little naked girls. And didn't pay me enough money to cover it up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The 9/9/99 Problem Has Just Struck! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 04:37:30 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor CNN keeps assuring me that there will be a bunch of exploding computers today, prefiguring the enormous bunch of exploding computers on January 1st. It's really too bad that when they tested all the computers in the world for Y2K-readiness they set the clocks ahead to 11:59 P.M. 12/31/99 and skipped 9/9/99, THE SECOND DEADLIEST DATE THERE IS!!! You see, any computer which uses "9999" to represent the end of input will, um, do something, when it encounters a file with September 9, 1999 stored in it, provided that the programmers were so stupid as to tell the computer to confuse three data fields with one four-digit field, and that the computer was designed in a country that had only nine months in the year, because, hey, it's 09/09/99 where I live, here in NONSTUPIDLAND! DEAR CNN, WHEN WILL YOU MOVE YOUR HEADQUARTERS TO NONSTUPIDLAND? I would also like to add that I have tested all my computers today by turning them upside down to see if they suffer from The 6666 Problem, and not once did one and a third Satans appear in the 256-sided pentagram I drew with AutoCAD! Anyway, if you are reading this, we are safe, I am safe, the 9/9/99 problem has not caused all the nuclear missiles hidden under my bed to detonate. -- K. My next task: To worry about economic deflation so severe that the price of all consumer goods becomes less than $1, ruining "The Price Is Right" forever! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: McDonald's claims it's part-French Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 04:53:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The United Press disseminated: > > Subject: McDonald's claims it's part-French The fries are, anyway. You know, "pommes de terre frites", which means "apples of the scorched Earth." > PARIS, Sept. 7 (UPI) -- U.S. fast-food chain McDonald's has mounted an > advertising counter-attack aimed at persuading French farmers and the > public that it greatly helps the French economy. Why would you have to persuade anyone that the public helps the economy? > McDonald's aired over radio and television today and published in > many French newspapers for the second day in a row considerable > advertising claiming it was ``Born in the USA, Made in France.'' And then there was a picture of Bruce Springsteen dancing the can-can. > For the past several weeks, small farmers have singled out McDonald's > as the symbol of so-called American influence and control over France's > eating habits. Yeah, it's those mean Americans that tricked the French people into eating all those snails and frogs and runny cheese. > And already, the fight -- rooted partly in resentment of a U.S. trade > ban on certain French products -- has produced a French hero, Jose Bove, > a French sheep farmer jailed two weeks ago. > He led a raid that demolished a McDonald's site at Millau in southern > France. I can understand how you could demolish a McDonalds. But how could you demolish its SITE? Did they just leave an infinitely deep hole where the Earth's surface used to be? > On Monday, a spokesman for McDonald's in Paris -- which has 750 > outlets in France -- fought back saying the chain provided a strong share > of business for 45,000 French meat producers. Wasn't Gene Roddenberry a "French meat producer"? No, wait, that was "French tongue producer". > At issue is resentment over U.S. trade sanctions imposed because of > European rejection of hormone-fed beef, and because of the overwhelming > market predominance of McDonalds and Coca-Cola. Yeah! French people like Burger King and Dr. Pepper! > McDonald's France Chairman Denis Hennequin says today he is ``a > little fed up with being the symbol.'' "Zut alors! I am being forced to be Ronald McDonald against my will!" > He said: ``Of course McDonald's is an American brand and it > corresponds to a quest for Americaness by its customers. But behind the > symbol there is a French business.'' Watch "Quest For Americaness", a television program chock full of neologisness! > And in advertising today, McDonald's notes its 30,000 employees and > 80 percent of its products were French. They need five products if they want to have four-fifths of them be french. They have hamburgers and fries and... what are the secret three other things McDonalds pretends to sell? > On Monday, McDonald's chefs in Agen sought to persuade consumers of > its loyalty to France by substituting locally produced foods, especially > those the United States has banned. Like Sparkling Rat Poison, Plutonium Rings, and Burning Flag On A Stick. > The menu included duck breast and foie gras pate for beef in its > hamburgers and instead of using processed cheese, the outlets in the > region used Roquefort cheese and plums. Mmm, plumburgers! Note that they didn't have to add any snails to the McDonalds "beef" mixture. > VILLENEUVE-LES-MAGUELONNE, FRANCE, 7-SEP-1999: Jose Bove (R), a > French anti-US farming leader arrested for taking part in an attack > on a McDonald's restaurant, sits with his wife Alice (C) and daughter > Helene (2nd L) He's a Republican! She's copyrighted! And their daughter's the end of "HELL"! Together, they're a wacky sitcom family! They're all lovable losers! Because everyone on every sitcom is a loser and everyone loves losers! > along with regional products by supporters after > leaving September 7 1999 the Villeneuve-les-Maguelonne jail, near the > southern French city of Montpellier. Bove's stand had triggered fears > of continuing trouble in the French countryside, where his arrest has > caused daily demonstrations. [Photo by Christophe Simon, copyright > 1999 by AFP and ClariNet] Wait, this was a UPI article when it started. Did UPI get bought by AFP halfway through the article? I hope so. The AFP has much more interesting news, because the UPI tries not to put the stupid stuff on the wires. -- K. So, in my computer, which one IS the wire the news goes through? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Uh... duh? Date: Thu, 9 Sep 1999 16:16:03 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com This morning, CNN Headline News (your source for incorrect, misleading, and just plain dumb news) told me about a survey of American pet owners. It reported that "79% of pet owners sleep with their pets." As if that's not bozotic enough, in the previous sentence they told us it was a survey of "people who own cats, dogs, birds, fish, and hamsters." Where are all these people who sleep with their goldfish and hamsters? -- K. I didn't know there were that many people who owned a cat, a dog, a bird, a goldfish, and a hamster.