Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: pre-party excursion #2, Friday evening (tomorrow) in Boston Date: Fri, 10 Sep 1999 01:51:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Well, Stefan Kapusniak and I have now seen the Museum of Science. They had a new exhibit where you can learn that bee dances and the Internet are the same thing. I have to work tomorrow until probably near 7, but Stefan and I are meeting again to do something. We might walk down Newbury Street visiting the bookstores and ice cream parlors, or we might go to Toys R Us to individually mock every one of their action figures in alphabetical order. Or we might do something else. (We'll wing it depending on how many people show up and what they want to do.) Yeah, I know it's not much notice... Time: 7 P.M., Friday evening (that is, in about 20 hours) Place: Meet in the middle platform of the lower level (Red Line) of Park Street station. (This is the very center of the subway system, ride any 'Inbound' train on the Red or Green lines to get there; if you're on Orange or Blue, go inbound and change trains to Red or Green.) Remember, we're meeting on the middle (of three) Red Line platforms. (It's got benches.) I'll probably be wearing a yellow shirt and black jacket. As usual, this will soon be posted on http://www.kibo.com/party with the information about Saturday's party-like event. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: notes from pre-party excursions #1 and #2 Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1999 02:17:31 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Hope to see you at tomorrow's party! These are the notes I typed up on what some of us who are already in Boston did to kill time beforehand: Thursday: Yesterday, Stefan Kapusniak and I spent an afternoon together. Here are the details of the day's events, to the best of my recollection: We met at Science Park station. He failed to recognize me even though I was sitting next to him reading messages titled "Orange Cone submission" on my portable computer. My evil plan to disguise myself by gradually losing my hair is working! As we were walking across the pedestrian bridge (over the traffic circle you have to cross to exit the station), I pointed out how much construction there was, stretching to the horizon in all directions, for the Big Dig and other efforts to demolish Boston. As we were standing on the bridge looking at the construction, a guy driving a scooper-loader-excavator machine -- which was carrying a big metal box hanging from its scoop -- crashed its arm into the bridge. After it lowered its arm (which was still dangling the metal box) and crossed under, we noticed that the metal box contained nothing but half a bottle of Coke. Walking past the police station, we spotted an emergency police telephone kiosk, only of course with dangling wires where the telephone should have been, with a third of a bottle of Orbitz sitting on top! The Orbitz had been the yellow-dotted kind, except that all the dots on top had turned white, and the dots in the middle were white on top, and the dots on the bottom were still yellow. So, apparently, sunlight bleaches Orbitz, and Orbitz dots can shade each other from the sun. I declined to taste the old Orbitz. At the Museum of Science, we got in for the low low price of only ten dollars each (the rates go up a notch right before every visit) and they demanded to know what ZIP code Stefan lived in. I think the clerk keyed in "ENGLAND" instead of whatever weird UK Postal Code Stefan actually lives in. He wanted to see the hydraulics exhibit ("Fluidica") first, being a proper nerd. Fortunately, the lightning show was about to happen at the Theater Of Electricity, so I steered him away from the exhibit of blue water dripping through pipes and toward the area where things would soon be going "BANG!" Unfortunately, the museum wasn't very crowded, so there were no toddlers running away screaming when the lighning bolts struck. Also, the machine's operator was smart enough not to shock himself with the twenty-foot-long sparks this time. Damn! I'm never there when the guy accidentally sticks one of his fingers between the bars! (This has allegedly happened.) We explored the world of visual illusions, featuring Amigas illustrating The Margaret Thatcher Effect, which illustrates that any human being looks less weird if their eyes are not upside down when the rest of their head is upside down, unless they are Maggie Thatcher, whose eyes are always upside down. I don't know what we learned from this except that the Museum of Science thinks that Thatcher is deformed. Progressing to the space exhibits, featuring the 1/5 scale Skylab being flown by the 1/8 scale astronaut, I was disappointed to find that the button that makes Carl Sagan talk to you has been removed, and replaced by a computer running a Web browser pointed at a page that tells you about the wonders of "SETI@Home" and lets you personally design a message (shaped like your choice of a circle, square, triangle, or stick figure) to be beamed into outer space. Unfortunately, all the options lead to a JavaScript error. Whoops! We progressed to "Mathematica", where the little railroad going around the Mšbius strip was broken (as usual), and the Klien bottle was AWOL. We could not find Alexander Abian on the timeline of the death dates of all the great mathematicians who ever lived. Next up, we came to an exhibit which exhorted us to vote on which of the three buttons we liked the best. It was an interactive exhibit where we investigated the world of which type of button was the most fun to press. The Museum apparently wants to know which buttons they should put on future broken interactive exhibits. Curiously, the three types of buttons we could vote for (small round ones, smightly larger round ones, and big squishy foam rubber ones) were all inferior to the "Vote" button, which was rectangular and had actual words printed on it. Around the corner was an exhibit where the "Start" button was the space bar of a keyboard with a picture of a round red button drawn on it. Stefan refused to lick the giant salt crystal, even though I assured him from experience that it didn't taste that bad. (Of all the food that rings like a bell, the giant salt crystal is the closest to being edible.) The museum's new "Messages" exhibit was covered with signs saying "SMELL THE MESSAGE!" and "GUESS THE HOBO SIGN!" Stefan was properly impressed that I knew how to read hobo language. After the Museum of Science's exhibit halls closed, about twenty minutes before we finished look at "Messages", a staff member guided us to the exit. We went to the gift shop and I bought some all-raspberry flavor astronaut ice cream loaf and a wristwatch that contains live Sea-Monkeys. (Actually it doesn't yet, I have to rehydrate them and then use the "Aqua-Leash" (eyedropper) to put one in the watch.) We took a Green Line train to Boylston station, the only remaining one of Boston's hundred-year-old subway stations to have not had a facelift this century (or been cleaned), and walked through Chinatown via the Combat Zone. We only saw one guy buying drugs in public. We followed Washington Street to the 88 Super Market, one of my two favorite Chinese grocery stores, to buy some snacks for the party. (Fake Dr. Pepper from Taiwan, etc.) Afterwards, we walked past one end of the Big Dig as we went to the other end of Chinatown for dinner. We only saw one person urinating in public, next to a cherry-picker whose raised basket contained nothing save for two orange cones. We had dinner at The People's Cafeteria, which was good (as always) and then I accompanied Stefan most of the way home. (He picked a hotel which is way, way, way off the path of the rapid-transit system.) So, in one day, Stefan got to see a traffic accident, a drug deal, and public urination. Now he can return to England a happy man. Friday: Today's second pre-party impromptu waste of time: We gathered in the middle of Park Street station -- me, Stefan, William Gates, Dean Lenort, Matt McIrvin and Samantha Wilkinson. A random local eccentric almost joined our group -- he fit right in -- but then he wandered away after we stopped listening to his comments about how nice a fellow Paul Tsongas was. We took the Red Line toward South Bay Center (near Andrew station.) When the train stopped for a few minutes at South Station (they announced it was one of those minor scheduling delays that have nothing to do with anyone being murdered or anything worrisome like that) the doors opened and we saw an orange cone standing on the platform a few feet away. Mr. Gates ran over and appropriated it, placing it in the middle of the train car. It went all the way to Andrew with us, before he disposed of the cone in Andrew station. It was raining -- VERY -- and there was no shuttle bus in sight, so we had to walk through the pouring rain to get to dinner. At the K CafŽ. You know, the sumptuous bistro in the front of K Mart. Everyone but me complained about how gross it was, and yet I notice they all cleaned their plates really fast. (Me, I was still eating my meatballs when they were done and grumbling about how bad the food had been.) We went into the Toys R Us, where they forced us to check our bags against my will, and they clearly thought we were a vicious gang, 'cause an employee tailed us through the store, unobtrusively rearranging random items six feet down whatever aisle we happened to be on at that particular minute. She told me to stop taking pictures after she spotted me snapping "California Nails Barbie". We left Toys R Us, and couldn't decide where to go next, so we gave up and went home. Nobody liked my idea of going to the Prudential Star Market to play "Spot The Crazy People." The torrential rain stopped the moment I got home. -- K. Also I ate a whole hot dog from K-Mart. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: notes from pre-party excursions #1 and #2 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 04:58:43 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Next up, we came to an exhibit which exhorted us to vote on which > > of the three buttons we liked the best. > > I've recently learned that, given three equal and completely meaningless > choices, most people will select #2, with #1 and #3 being about equal. I think that, given a sufficiently long list of choices, people will tend to choose ones towards the end. And some people make snap judgments and select one of the first items without reading the rest. (I need to write a program which randomly re-orders the items in my Web site's surveys to counteract any effects in which people pick the first thing they see, the middle thing, or one of the things near the end...) And, on the Web, a heck of a lot of people will (a) submit survey forms before they fill in any of the questions, or (b) double-click the "submit" button so that if your Web server happens to be some sort of really, really fast machine, it mails you the results twice. (Fortunately I have little scripts I wrote that weed out the duplicates, but this tends to suggest why you occasionally hear people complaining that some on-line store charged their credit card twice. It's because many people think that you're never allowed to click anything only once.) > > We had dinner at The People's Cafeteria, > > PLEASE tell me their decor is mostly big red stars and stylized > propaganda posters. Decoration? Dag, this place is so plebian it doesn't HAVE any decoration. Or many customers. (Frankly, I like restaurants which aren't crowded. You get better service and they're never out of the good stuff.) I also like the face that The People's Cafeteria puts a big bottle of Tuong Ot Sriracha on every table, it's my favorite hot sauce. It's the one with 50% more garlic than all the other hot pepper and garlic mixtures in the bottles with the green cap. (I've been dipping my chicken nuggets in it at home.) Kibo's favorite sauces, available at weird grocery stores everywhere: 1.) Tuong Ot Sriracha -- "Red Cock" brand. It's pretty hot and dark red. 2.) Ajvar. This is a Bulgarian paste made from (mild) red peppers (plus some oil and garlic) and it is _fluorescent_ reddish-orange. I can't show you what it looks like here because it's the only food I know that is outside the RGB gamut. I think they use it to dye those traffic cones. 3.) Horseradish sauce -- "Beano" brand. It's just mayonnaise with a bunch of horseradish in it. Mayonnaise is good. Mayonnaise that has vapors that burn the inside of your nose is better. 4.) Black Pepper Sauce -- "King's Soce" [sic] brand. This is a sort of sugary soy sauce with enormous amounts of cracked black pepper, I mean, not just enough pepper to make you say "Hey, this has pepper in it," but enough to make you say, "Gee, I guess black pepper is actually pretty spicy when you don't just sprinkle it on with a sissy little shaker." 5.) S&B brand golden curry sauce, the kind that comes as a greasy brick that you have to dissolve in 6 cups of water. Comes in "Mild", "Medium Hot", and "Hot" flavors. I like the two that aren't mild. > > So, in one day, Stefan got to see a traffic accident, a drug deal, > > and public urination. Now he can return to England a happy man. > > Finland has way too much public urination and not enough drug deals. > > There has recently been a lot of talk about passing some law against > public urination. Woo-hoo! I was going to go to Holland because those teenagers on Conan O'Brien's show keep telling me that in Holland drugs are legal, but instead I'm going to go to Finland while public urination is still legal! -- K. But does Finland allow private urination? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium: Random text generator Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1999 06:08:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor [regarding whether Archimedes Plutonium is real or an elaborate computer glitch] In sci.math, John R Ramsden (jr@redmink.demon.co.uk) wrote: > > The arch-Arch-baiter is James "Kibo" Parry, who sometimes posts > on this group. He mostly posts in a group called alt.kibology > or some similar name, definitely containing the string "kibo", > perhaps alt.religion.kibology. James seems to practically own > this "kibo" group, which last time I looked was fairly vigorous. > It was almost as if the other posters there were mostly Kibo > admirers or acolytes, but maybe that was my imagination. > > I suggest you try re-posting your original question, and add > sci.physics and this "*kibo*" group to the Newsgroups list. > > I have yet to establish what kibology is exactly. It's anything having to deal with me. Such as: a) worship of Kibo b) scorn of Kibo c) indifference to Kibo In other words, you're a Kibologist, whether you know it or not! -- K. And now you also know that you owe me twenty dollars for that important information. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: It's September 13, 1999. Happy Exploding Moon Day! Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 21:10:10 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp ...so, has the Moon exploded yet? I don't want to miss it. I'm indoors so I hope it's loud enough that I can run outside when I hear it starting to blow up. Is it going to blow up slow or fast? -- K. HOORAY FOR THE LATE ALEXANDER ABIAN! UNLESS THE MOON DOESN'T BLOW UP! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: It's September 13, 1999. Happy Exploding Moon Day! Date: Mon, 13 Sep 1999 23:08:38 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Kibo ... I don't know if anyone's dared to ask this question .. and I > know I'll probably get excommunicated from Kibology for asking this .. > but .... *whew* ... ok ... what happens .. if the moon ..... *shudder* > .......... > > > ......... > > > ......... > > doesn't explode? > > What do we do with all the boxes of Spam in the basement? > What about the cans of Vienna Sausages? > What about the packages of dehydrated donuts?? KEEP... EATING... VIENNA SAUSAGES... UNTIL... THE MOON... EXPLODES! It's a simple plan for your life, and you can read all about your new life in my number-one bestseller, "What If The Moon Doesn't Blow Up?" Available from pushcarts near shopping malls everywhere! WHAT IF THE MOON DOESN'T BLOW UP? Page 87. WHAT IF THE MOON DOES BLOW UP? Page 88. WHAT IF THE MOON THROWS UP? Duck and cover. IS THE MOON MADE OF GREEN CHEESE? Page 1,374. WHY IS THE SKY BLUE EXCEPT WHERE THE MOON COVERS? Page 72,815. WHY DOES LIST-BASED HUMOR NEVER HAVE A SATISFACTORY CLIMAX? Page infinity plus one. -- K. SOMEDAY ALL HUMANS WILL BE LIKE ZEE MOUSE EATING ZEE GREEN CHEESE IN ZEE MOON! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,talk.politics.misc From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 11Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 01:09:06 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.politics.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > NNTP-Posting-Host: kiewit-pub-bp-36.dartmouth.edu > X-Newsreader: InterNews 2.0.1@kiewit-pub-bp-36.dartmouth.edu[U] I'm glad to see your new palatial estate in Nova Scotia isn't keeping you away from the Macs in the Dartmouth libraries. > [...] > > I have no trouble with prioritizing and knowing the better of details > to general big picture. What I have the most problem with is "missing > something" for which I find out only years afterwards and which I > cannot correct. For example, I never married and feel I have not missed > anything yet but maybe sometime in the future I may have missed > something. Yep, maybe someday a woman will get to see you naked, and she'll definitely tell you which parts you're missing. > [...] > > I think we have to balance the details in our life with the > big-picture that we adopt. We cannot live in all details and we cannot > live in all dreams, because the two go to composing a life. And one > should endeavor to balance life's details with life's dreams. > > I almost got into trouble as of lately in not balancing details with > dreams. I started a foolish quest to shopping for a trailer whilst on > the Greyhound bus tour of the USA. What? Archimedes Plutonium did something foolish? Okay, who forged that article? I know the real Archimedes Plutonium would NEVER do anything foolish. > Sort of like a work-vacation. If I had continued I am sure that I > would have bought a trailer and then become president of the world. > hauled it up to my land and destroying my vacation in the meantime. A > conflict of details that would have ruined the dream vacation. So, > today I set aside my shopping of trailers until January of 2000. Golly, that only gives you four months to finish moving out of Dartmouth into that house you bought. > Pace ourselves in details of life. The big picture, the dream of my > life is that I am devoted to science, thus the details such as where I > live must reflect the priority-dream. And any decisions in life that > come up must ask the first question as to how to help further the dream > and decide accordingly. For me to decide to live in a trailer rather > than a house is a recognition that a house is a > time-consuming-detailer. What, the house wastes your time talking about what brands of cookies it likes? > Owning a house or building steals a good > fraction of a mind away, a fraction that could better be spent on my > dream of doing more science. Having a wife and family steals away an > enormous amount of a mind, such that the amount remaining to do science > or physics is a tiny amount. > > Today I bought a Newman's Own brand of cookies the espresso chocolate > chip, which last week I bought the orange chocolate chip. The espresso > was great and one of the best boxes of cookies I ever bought. I am glad to see your mind is still completely filled with important scientific matters. Except for the part that's filled with cookies. (That's the way Archie's brain crumbles.) > These are all details that goes into composing a life, but it is the > dreams that we mostly remember. ...AND WHEN I WOKE UP, MY PAUL NEWMAN COOKIES WERE GONE! > The dream I have now as regards to my home for the next ten years is > that I envision 3 homes. All Airstream trailers and in 3 locations, > Canada, Florida and South Dakota. Where I spend a season at each. Um, Arch, has anyone ever told you that you can MOVE an Airstream? > Trailers that are low maintenance, so that my dream of doing science is > helped and not of fixing up buildings. So, let me see whether in the > next few years whether such a pattern was my fate. I think your fate's pattern is probably more of a paisley. -- K. Or possibly a frieze of Zšllner lines. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 11Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 03:27:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.med, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Today is Saturday 11 Sept and I depart for (sound of thousands of Kibologists holding their breath while they continue reading the words which might say "The Alt.Religion.Kibology Party-Like Event") > this worldwide tour of the famous scientist upon 23 Sept, Cool! Are you going to start at his feet and climb him, or just buy a ticket on one of those little boats that goes around the bloodstream? > and already I am beginning to complicate it. It is one of my > characteristics or habit that I seem to fill things up. Is _that_ why the doctor told you only to come back after filling up the ten-gallon specimen bottle? > [...] > > The idea has entered my mind that on the USA tour of famous scientists > that I will also look for Real Estate to buy and to look at Airstream > trailers, visit the big Airstream dealerships. This could be a coffee-table book! _Airstream Trailers Of The Famous Scientists And Philosophers_ I can't wait to see that one where Plato was chained to the wall. > Now, I am just imagining myself with a Greyhound bus pass to relax > and enjoy myself for 1.5 months Via Greyhound, 1.5 months is about enough to get from Dartmouth to, oh, the state line. Maybe you should consider a faster mode of transport. Gee, maybe you should buy a purple Toyota pickup truck or something. > and then I ripp that enjoyment and leisure up Archimedes Plutonium-inspired death metal rock band name #37: ARCHIE THE RIPPPER! > with the purchase of land or a trailer and thus preempting the tour Your tour should be pre-empted for a rerun of that show about the little girl who was really a robot, but nobody ever noticed even though she spoke in a robot voice and could fly and always wore the same dress. > or cutting a wide swath right down the middle of the tour by having > to close a Real Estate deal or having to haul a Airstream half way > or full way across the USA. How fast could I haul an Airstream, say > from California to Halifax, and me being a novice in trailer hauling? Oh, I see, learning to haul a trailer is beyond the capabilities of the King of Science. > If such an event does occur during this 1.5 month tour, well, you can > just imagine what such would do to the tour of famous scientists sites. > > But my mind is having fun in the "shopping" for Real Estate and > trailers. My mind envisions that in the next 10 years I will end up > owning about 10 separate pieces of property, most of them farmlands, Me, I own 10 connected pieces of property! All of which I am standing on right at this minute! By the way, a few days ago you were only planning to buy three plots. Why the sudden increase? Are you really going to need to hide that many mistresses from your wife? > and that I will end up putting about 5 Airstream trailers on these > properties. Each? > It is safe to say that I am the best person to know what > Archimedes Plutonium will do in the next 10 years. It is safe to say that no sane person would claim to know what Archimedes Plutonium will do in the next 10 years. > And what turned out to be a "slight fascination" and "minor desire" > for my father to buy an Airstream and vacation and see the West > in an Airstream, but he never got the opportunity, has turned into > his son's obsession. This is the worst remake of "Moby Dick" ever! > Why would I ever have needed 4 bicycles when 1 is sufficient? Is this where the dancing bears come in? Or should I just say something mean? > Why would a single person such as myself, who will probably be travelling > for the rest of my life rather than be in one place for more than 4 months > (a single season) have need or use for say 5 Airstream trailers? Well, you could fill up one with dirty dishes, and then you'd have to move into another one... > Such is the will of God. GOD DEMANDS OLD TRAILERS WITH ROUNDED EDGES!!! > And truthfully, my mind at this moment is more excited about > buying Real Estate and trailer and the painting with Olympic stain my > Halifax cabin, than it is excited over crisscrossing the USA leisurely > and Europe travel. I have to admit, that when I think of California of > Berkeley and where plutonium was first identified what crosses my mind > is the Spaghetti Factory restaurants that I so much enjoyed in San > Diego. (Mental image: A conveyor belt carrying dozens of paper cups. Lucille Ball is frantically stuffing spaghetti into them as they pass through a microwave into Archimedes Plutonium's mouth.) > And I have to be honest that what comes to my mind about Germany > is not Gottingen and Quantum Physics but puff pastry cream horns, and > of Cambridge England the thoughts should be where Newton walked and > talked and where Quantum Physics and the Cavendish laboratories and > Rutherford, but to be honest what crosses my mind is the world's best > pizza and those fish and chips in downtown London. If you ever repost that paragraph, could you please put a box around it so that more people will see it before they make up their minds about your scientific background? > I do not know what it is with me that I can never relax but have to go > go go. Maybe you should switch to decaffeinated spaghetti. > My father was the same way, where a vacation usually ended up > working harder than with a job. But he had fun. So I guess the key > measure of a trip or tour is whether it is fun, regardless of what I > end up doing. I find it extremely fun to travel and see new sights and > sounds and eat new food, but I also find it extremely fun to shop for > real-estate and trailers and to even do something like Olympic stain > the cabin. I hear the Russians have never lost that event to a crazy guy. > My father died of a heart attack at around 64 or 65 years of age. When's your birthday? > I do not know if his go go attitude and inability to ever really > relax and "do nothing" had a role in heart attacks. I suspect it was > more genetics and that a go go lifestyle is actually better for the > heart than is a lethargic relaxed lifestyle. > But, let what comes, come... (Mental image: Archie opens the side of his aluminum Airstream trailer with a can opener, and it's filled with spinach. He eats some, making big plutonium atoms light up in the biceps of his hideously deformed arms. His pipe spins around and goes "TOOT! TOOT!" and he says, "But, let what comes, come, I yam what I yam, I'm Archie the Trailer Man!") -- K. My pipe goes "BEABLE! BEABLE!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,sci.bio.misc,sci.bio.technology,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: new movie MONSANTO ROUNDUP: HUMANITY THE EXTINCTOR; Humans as Mass Extinctors and proof that Darwin Evolution is fake Re: can biotechnology wipe out the tent-caterpillar Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 02:55:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc, sci.bio.misc, sci.bio.technology, and sci.math, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Uncle Al speaks for most of the science community, especially > chemistry and biology for the last decade of the 20th century. Uncle Al > is a symbol of them. Cool! Then he's the true King of Science! Archie, please hand over the crown, and on your way out Rusty Burrell has some abdication papers for you to sign. > I just came out of the movie-show, about 1/2 hour ago. > > I watched ELIZABETH, 1999 > > Elizabeth: I have rid England of her enemies. > > What do I do now? Am I to be made of stone? > > Must I be touched by nothing? > > Walsingham: Aye, Madam, to reign supreme. Oh, just skip ahead to the part where Martin Landau blows up the Moon. > All men need something greater than themselves to look up to and > worship. > > They must be able to touch the divine, here on Earth > > file under Transition Phase. Can I file you right in the middle of the Triple Point? (Although, if we go by the shape of your head, you're really more of a single sharp point.) -- K. Next week on "Elizabeth: 1999" -- the beheading of Barbara Bain goes awry when the axe bounces off her hair! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,sci.bio.misc,sci.bio.technology,sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: new movie MONSANTO ROUNDUP: HUMANITY THE EXTINCTOR; Humans as Mass Extinctors and proof that Darwin Evolution is fake Re: can biotechnology wipe out the tent-caterpillar Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 04:13:09 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Nicolas Bray (bray@soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU) wrote: > > > Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > > > Also, infinity is 100% perfect and 100% beautiful, > > > Not it's not. Infinity is bad. Can I get that on a bumper sticker? -- K. Preferably an infinitely large one? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.bio.technology,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: new movie MONSANTO ROUNDUP: HUMANITY THE EXTINCTOR; Humans as Mass Extinctors and proof that Darwin Evolution is fake Re: can biotechnology wipe out the tent-caterpillar Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 03:08:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt,sci,physics,plutonium In sci.bio.misc, sci.bio.technology, and sci.chem, David Lloyd-Jones (icomm5@netcom.ca) wrote: > > [in response to Uncle Al's comments on Archimedes Plutonium] > > The netiquette is you killfile the guy. Since this option is always open to > you there is no justification for your interfering with his right to > publish. > > Hunting him down the way you and Kibo do seems to me beyond unsporting. Wait a minute. "Hunting him down"? All I do is post to the Internet. You know, what you assert he has a right to do. Are you implying that only crazy people have a right to free speech? IF SO, I CLAIM THAT RIGHT! voop voop wubba beable beable beable doidy sil wox slunch <-- very free speech And if you're going to take option with me saying unkind things about him, I should point out that you're the one telling people to killfile people they don't want to read. Perhaps you should practice what you preach instead of ranting about me "hunting him down"? I mean, why do you want other people to edit their killfiles if you're not using your own? Why do you permit yourself to accuse people of "hunting him down" if you're against people saying unkind things? Glass houses, you know. -- K. Also, my glass house is more expensive than your glass house. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My annual bad-movie rant: the Disney version of "Mr. Magoo" Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 03:48:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor There has never been a good live-action movie based on a cartoon. Think how bad these movies were: "Boris & Natasha" (sat on shelf over a year before release) "Disney's George of the Jungle" "Disney's Dudley Do-Right" "Disney's Mr. Magoo" (Hey, what do the last three films have in common? And watch out for the forthcoming "Rocky & Bullwinkle", which is apparently being underwritten by executives who don't remember "Boris & Natasha".) I bring up this subject because I have just had the misfortune to watch "Mr. Magoo". Now, I never liked the original cartoons much. But at least they were cartoons. Disney's pathetic waste of time wasn't a cartoon. It was Leslie Nielsen with half his hair covered with a pink rubber bald cap. Think about this: In a cartoon, if Mr. Magoo accidentally stepped onto a snowboard, he would go downhill at a million miles an hour, then soar hundreds of feet in the air (passing over an airplane), zoom through the White House, come out wearing Mamie Eisenhower's underwear, and then knock over the Statue of Liberty, without spilling his tea. In a live-action movie, if Mr. Magoo accidentally stepped onto a snowboard, we'd see a close-up of Leslie Nielsen against a bluescreen, then we'd see a professional snowboarder (with the same wig) sliding downhill competently. And I did just see that. Oh dear, oh dear. (I don't know why this movie included a snowboarding scene and a bungee-jumping scene but not a jet-ski scene. That's only two of the three sports you're required to have to be perfectly cool.) Well, let's get down to the individual elements which guarantee that "Mr. Magoo" sucks: "MR. MAGOO"'S NINE DEGREES OF BADNESS 1.) The premise of this movie is that a nearly blind guy walks into things a lot. That is the only joke. And I use the term "joke" loosely. Hypothetically speaking, if Mr. Magoo kept falling down because he was just clumsy (not blind), that would still be not funny. If he keeps falling down because he's handicapped, well, that's unfunny with a twist of evil. There have been lots of other movies where, at certain points, the director dropped the script and said, "Aw, hell, let's just knock everything in the K-Mart over, one at a time!" ("Gremlins". "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." "Smorgasbord".) But even the least-inspired Jerry Lewis or Three Stooges vehicle didn't try to get by on sheer clumsiness. And, hey, when Jerry Lewis slips on a banana peel, it's because he's silly, not because he's nearly blind. Also, as the movie points out, Mr. Magoo would have functional vision if only he'd go to an eye doctor, which means that he's only acting handicapped due to choice. Imagine if the movie was about a guy who kept falling down stairs in his wheelchair because he was too stupid to realize that he could walk. (Think how film history would have been different if Dr. Strangelove kept falling down.) 2.) Okay, so Leslie Nielsen is the closest we can come to Jim Backus with a live actor. But, even if the real Jim Backus had been the one pretending to be riding that snowboard in front of the bluescreen, he still couldn't have been a tenth as amusing as a cartoon character with the voice of Jim Backus. 3.) The movie's other big action sequence involves Leslie Nielsen going over a waterfall in a raft. As they deftly intercut bluescreen close-ups of Leslie Nielsen (with blue fringes around his head) with long shots of a tiny model raft, I started singing the "Land of the Lost" theme song. I suspect many of you also have the same reaction to shots of crude models going over tiny fake waterfalls. (Apparently Disney no longer has the money to do special effects any better than Sid & Marty Krofft did in 1975.) 4.) Malcolm McDowell is in this movie. DANGER SIGN! DANGER SIGN! And he's in about, oh, two scenes. DANGER SIGN! DANGER SIGN! Malcolm McDowell is the world's cheapest bad-guy for hire (ever notice how many cheap films have him as the villain? I mean, he tends to appear in _video_games_ these days.) And when they can't even get him to be in much of the film, well... ever seen "Tank Girl"? 5.) As usual with all Disney comedies that are cranked out of their massive crap factory, the attempt at a storyline is this: Jewel thieves accidentally lose "The Star of Kuristan" (a rectangular block of red plastic two inches across) and Mr. Magoo doesn't realize he's carrying it around. (Given that it's supposed to be the world's largest ruby, you'd think they would have looked up what the world's largest ruby looked like. They do get a bit bigger than that.) And as if the words "jewel thieves" aren't enough to guarantee this movie will be tedious -- and that the clever twist ending will be that the good guys get the jewel back, surprise, surprise -- chew on this: When writers are spinning their wheels looking for something to fill up those ninety pages, they write in _two_ jewel thieves and pad out the script with "intrigue", which is Hollywood-speak for having the two jewel thieves argue with each other constantly and double-cross each other ad nauseum. This one has _three_ jewel thieves, plus an FBI agent and a CIA agent, who are all trying to steal the ruby from Mr. Magoo. While fighting with each other and trying to kill each other. (The FBI guy fights with the CIA guy. Also, one of the jewel thieves impersonates an FBI agent to further confuse the three-year-olds in this movie's target audience.) 6.) Just to remind us how much better cartoons are than live-action interpretations of cartoons, the movie opens and closes with actual "Mr. Magoo" cartoons, sandwiching the part where Leslie Nielsen walks around boring everyone. Maybe they should have just held up a big sign saying, "HEY, DID YOU COME TO SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY LIKED THOSE OLD CARTOONS? TOO BAD, SUCKER! THIS AIN'T YOUR FATHER'S MISTER MAGOO!" 7.) But wait! After the good guys get their chunk of red plastic back (YAWN) and they show a short "Mr. Magoo" cartoon to emphasize that Leslie Nielsen wasn't a cartoon, then... they... they... um... THEY SHOW A BIG TWO-PARAGRAPH APOLOGY FOR MAKING FUN OF BLIND PEOPLE! It's a heartfelt written plea exhorting us to not laugh at blind people as they accidentally step onto upside-down ironing boards that they think are snowboards. Well, okay, it doesn't exactly say that, but it _does_ tell us (in a screenful of tiny, hard-to-read red letters) that visually-impaired people are able to hold "a wide variety of jobs" (if I recall the wording) and that we should never discriminate against people with visual impairments. However, they forgot to say anything about the one-legged Latino villain or the midget dressed as a monkey. 8.) Did I mention the movie has a midget in a monkey suit? He's supposed to be scary and funny at the same time. I think. (I just kept thinking, "Gee, it must suck to be a little person in Hollywood. You only get work if you wear the monkey-fur suit or the leprechaun suit.") 9.) And, after they heroically reclaim the purloined plastic puck, and we see a cartoon starring the animated character who isn't Leslie Nielsen, and we see Disney's apology for the movie, what's the ultimate capper to the perfect evening? Why, bloopers from the making of the film, of course. This is their way of acknowledging that nothing funny happened when they were _trying_ to be funny, and that maybe these scenes of actors forgetting their lines will be funnier than watching them read from the lame script. And, just in case watching Leslie Nielsen with a blank look on his face isn't funny enough, then we see bloopers from the stunt scenes. HO HO HO! THE GUY WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO LAND ON THE BACK OF THE PLASTER DINOSAUR MISSED AND HIT THE FLOOR! (It would be better if he fell on his face and poked his eyes out, because then he'd be funny in _two_ ways. Three ways if he also lost a leg or was a midget dressed like a monkey.) To sum up, I don't think I found this movie to be a rollicking laugh-a-minute romantic action comedy musical gabfest. I found it to be a thing which had no effect other than to make the useful portion of my life ninety minutes shorter. I am now going to go down to Disney headquarters and demand the money back for everyone who saw it in a theater. (I don't know what I'm going to do with two hundred dollars, but it's the principle of the thing.) -- K. Plus there were probably some people who walked out when it was shown on airplanes, and did not land harmlessly on top of a blimp that said "UPA". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: General Stupidity Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 03:58:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > My favorite Bad Twist Ending from "Space: 1999" is the one where Roy > > Dotrice forces himself onto Christopher Lee's spaceship at gun-point > > [...] and gets into the hibernation chamber to nap during the centuries- > > long trip to Earth, but that sneaky Christopher Lee sets the naptime > > control for thirty minutes instead of a few centuries, and Roy Dotrice > > wakes up and [...] looks at his wristwatch and IT'S STILL SET TO LUNAR > > TIME!!!! so he screams and screams while hurling himself againt the > > shaky glass box he's trapped in. > > You left out half the bad twist, where Martin Landau explains that the > computer would have picked Roy Dotrice anyway! It's ironic! He would've > gotten to go and didn't even have to sell his watch fob to buy a phaser > gun to get onto the hibernation ship! Just like one of those O. Henry > James stories! Now, see, _my_ twist ending would have been just like the above, only I would have also added a comment at the end where Martin Landau says, "Gee, it's too bad Roy Dotrice didn't set his watch for the correct time zone before he woke up in Earth orbit. I guess some days minor characters just die in ironic ways." -- K. Then on "Star Trek" they'd all beam down and everyone would die except Redshirt Smith. Number of "Star Trek" fans: 172,405. Number of standup comedians who have observed that the redshirts always die: 172,406. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: General Stupidity Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 06:31:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Short Shameful Confession: > > I used to have a water-gun shaped like the hand-held U-shaped phasers > on Space:1999. They weren't phasers, they were _lasers_, because unlike "Star Trek", "Space: 1999" was _scientifically-accurate_. Only lasers can fit into staple-gun shapes, not phasers. Also, I would kill you to get your squirt gun if you still had it. That's how much I would love to be able to squirt people with an authentic "Space: 1999" squirt laser now that "Space: 1999" has come true as of yesterday. Fun fact: The _real_ "Space: 1999" lasers used by Martin Landau and Barbara Bain on the TV show were carved from wood! -- K. And that Dymo Labelmaker that Barry Morse had? It was made from a Dymo Labelmaker! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: General Stupidity Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 04:10:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > and so you'd have to make some terrible movie where Robin Curtis (best > > known as "the bad Saavik") puts on Terminator sunglasses and goes around > > blowing away babies with a machine gun. Hooray! She shot another baby! > > Oh, thank you, thank you, Kibo, for reminding me of the existence of > that movie. I had almost managed to blot it out of my consciousness. > > > Then again, Allen Funt made "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?", a movie > > which I always describe as "a sincere plea for more pedophilia." > > See above. Hey, Matt, have you watched that tape I loaned you of the movie from New Zealand where Christopher Lee sang about his drinking problem while high-kicking in leather bondage gear? Be sure nobody in your household misses the scene where Alan Arkin's toupee falls off during the action scene. (I forget whether that comes before or after the musical number where the lyrics consist of the American President shouting, with an Australian accent, "Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit! Bullshit!" for five minutes.) Matt, these are the other bad movies I _need_ to remind you of: "Tank Girl" "Supergirl" "Cool World" "Bugsy Malone" "The Alpha Incident" "Jumanji" "The Last Movie" "Million Dollar Duck" "Mr. Magoo" "Conquest of the Earth" "Light Blast" "Ring of the Muskateers" [sic] "Shrunken Heads" "The Fantastic Four" "Felix The Cat: The Movie" "Santa Claus: The Movie" "Event Horizon" "Myra Breckenridge" "Star Maidens" "No Dessert Dad 'Til You Mow The Lawn" ...if you've forgotten the plot details of any of those I can loan you my tapes. -- K. "Mr. Magoo" was less funny than the average Leni Riefenstahl film. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barking mad Colonel invents rocket car! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 04:24:14 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [on the genesis of "Star Trek"'s bogoscience] > > > > So they had "phasers" instead of lasers and "impulse engines" instead > > of "non-bogus engines" and "warp drive" instead of "magical fairy physics". > > As I like to explain to people who get their science fiction entirely in > "Star Trek" form, the phrase "warp drive" or "space-warp engine" was a > pretty common piece of science fiction gobbledygook dating from the > thirties or so. > > The justification was that, well, according to Einstein you could warp > space and stuff. Waah! I don't care if you warp my space, but stop warping my stuff! If you warp my stuff back and forth enough times eventually it won't stack up right, just like in "The Philadelphia Experiment", based on a true story by Arthur C. Clarke, which is required reading for all MIT freshmen! > Recently Alcibeurre has gotten a lot of press for publishing a physical > description of a "warp drive"; though, given that he basically started > with the effect he wanted and worked backwards to the rather implausible > type of matter configuration necessary to produce it, it more or less > amounts to saying "according to Einstein you can warp space and stuff" > (as I'm sure he would concur). Yeah, but YOU'RE the guy who once told me that if I could reduce the amount of gravity in the room, then time would slow down. What sort of nonsense is that? That means that where there's no gravity, there's no time, so there would never be any time in space, because there's no gravity in space because if you get that far from the Earth then the Moon will be between you ands the Sun, blocking all the gravity! So because there would be no time, the planets would stop moving, and fall into the Sun! Wait, to make them fall, I need to turn gravity back on. Can someone please turn on gravity long enough for me to blow up the Solar System? Thank you. > > At the moment, my favorite Real Science Moment comes when, aboard the > > U.S.S. Enterprise, which is powered by throwing chunks of antimatter > > at chunks of matter to change the geometry of space, they come across > > a spaceship which has "ion power", and Scotty starts drooling over how > > much cooler "ion power" is compared to the Enterprise's lame old > > exploding-antimatter-which-changes-the-shape-of-the-Universe propulsion. > > Of COURSE ion power is cooler. DARTH VADER uses ion power, which > automatically makes it cooler than anything the dumb old Enterprise would > use. No, the "TIE" ("Twin Ion Engine") fighters were _solar_-powered, as you'd know if you ever owned any toys. If they were really ion-powered, instead of pushing the little button to make the two solar panels go "sproing!", you'd push the button and some invisible, odorless, inert gas would come out. And that would be LESS fun than a regular "Star Wars" toy. > > Recently, NASA has launched a few spacecraft which are propelled by > > ion power. > > > > I think Deep Space Two is one of them. > > > > Why do they keep naming spaceships and space stations after stupid > > things, like TV shows and Internet personalities? > > I recently noticed that NASA is planning some missions referred to as > "Space Technology ", where is a number greater than two. I > think they finally realized that the TV show they were honoring is no > longer on the air, unless this is something else. I just saw a TV commercial reminding me that, although "Star Trek" began in 1966 and now it's 1999 -- THE EXACT SAME YEAR IF YOU USE COMPUTER ANIMATION TO MAKE THE LAST TWO DIGITS TURN UPSIDE DOWN LIKE THEY WOULD DO IN SPACE BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN SPACE IS UPSIDE DOWN, EXCEPT FOR ALL THE SHIPS ON "STAR TREK" WHICH ARE ALWAYS RIGHT-SIDE-UP UNLESS THEY LOSE POWER -- where was I? Oh yes: Although "Star Trek" began 33 years ago, IT'S FAR FROM OVER! So apparently after the last season of "Voyager" gets run into the ground (after the "Voyager" blows up another six or seven times, and they travel back in time to prevent every time, and of course they keep inventing new warp drives that almost get them home but misfire and turn them all into babies and so they have to never mention the magical technology again) "Star Trek" will live on in some new form, such as perhaps a show on the Home Shopping Network. Wait, they've already got that too. Hey, speaking of commercials and people turning into things, maybe you can explain this one to me: A boy holds up a piece of yellow candy and bites into it. His head turns into a lemon with his face. A girl holds up a piece of purple candy. When she bites it, her head becomes a giant grape. A chimp eats a piece of gold candy and his head becomes a pineapple. Then... A boy's head turns into a pink octopus. I don't know which brand of candy this is supposed to make me want to buy, but next time the commercial is on I'll write it down in case I ever want to know what kind of candy tastes like an octopus and will also make my head taste like an octopus. -- K. They should invent a doomsday weapon that makes commercials come true. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Barking mad Colonel invents rocket car! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 05:21:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Hey, speaking of commercials and people turning into things, maybe you > > can explain this one to me: > > > > [...] > > > > A chimp eats a piece of gold candy and his head becomes a pineapple. > > > > Then... A boy's head turns into a pink octopus. > > > Which candy can make a kid's head turn into a durian? I think it's the lack of candy that does that. > Actually I'm going to mail you some. MOMMY! MARK HILL JUST MAILED ME SOME DEFORMED CHILDREN'S HEADS! -- K. ONE HAD WARTS ON ITS DRUPELETS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: NASA's New 'Dark Matter' Drive (Was: Barking mad Colonel invents rocket car!) Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 22:21:17 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Of COURSE ion power is cooler. DARTH VADER uses ion power, which > > automatically makes it cooler than anything the dumb old Enterprise > > would use. > > NASA's got 'em all beat: > > http://www.newscientist.com/ns/19990918/newsstory6.html > > NASA is enlisting the aid of Advanced Fuel Research of Connecticut > in a new $600 000 project to turn astronaut waste into a power > source for spaceships... Mmm! It's the biosolid that's also a propellant! You forgot to quote the first, and silliest paragraph of that _New Scientist_ article: -> Engage dark matter! -> Charles Seife, Washington DC -> -> "I'M TRYING AS HARD AS I CAN, Captain," exclaims Scotty, the strain -> etching lines in his forehead. "I can't give you any more!" But unlike -> Star Trek's Enterprise, future spacecraft might use a less savoury energy -> supply than Scotty's beloved dilithium crystals: human waste. I always look for bathroom humor AND "Star Trek" jokes when choosing my science magazines. -> NASA is enlisting the aid of Advanced Fuel Research of Connecticut in a -> new $600 000 project to turn astronaut waste into a power source for -> spaceships. The process might also yield other useful chemicals that are in -> short supply aboard an interplanetary spacecraft or on an extraterrestrial -> base. The secret is pyrolysis: breaking down the waste by heating it in -> the absence of oxygen. Notice they didn't say they would be heating it in the absence of the astronauts. Pee-yew! -> Normally when you burn organic molecules such as those found in faeces -> or in plastic, they combine with oxygen in the air, producing carbon -> dioxide and water. But in pyrolysis, there is no oxygen to combine with, -> so the molecules break their bonds and rearrange themselves into smaller -> molecules. "Things start breaking down at about 350 ĄC, and what you -> start making includes a lot of liquids," says AFR scientist Mike Serio. -> "At 600 C or 650 C, you break down the liquids into gases. It does -> give you flexibility." Try new FLEXIBLE LIQUID POO! It's the nutriflexible biosolid humanure geoslime! -> You could burn these liquids or gases to release energy, or turn them -> into plastics or other organic materials, says Jim Markham, the company's -> chief executive officer. And you could turn them into the most beautiful art ever created, providing you're the world's greatest artist and people don't think it's gross and that everyone keeps their nostrils closed when looking at your burnt poo art. -> "[Pyrolysis] can produce heavier molecules such as benzene or toluene, -> and can be a source of raw materials to make plastics or rubber," At last! Diapers that make their own rubber pants! -> says John Fisher, a chemical engineer at NASA's Ames Research Center -> in California. And pyrolysis would also create ammonia for fertiliser. NASA has discovered how to make fertilizer from poo? GIVE THAT AGENCY THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR POO! -> Since the pyrolytic process works on many different organic compounds, -> it will consume many types of fuel. "You can use human waste as well -> as other waste, like scrap plastic bags," says Markham. And you don't -> have to worry about variations in the consistency and content of the -> waste material, the pyrolysis unit should be able to handle them all. -> "It's tailored to unpredictable mixtures," he says. "Ideally, you'd -> dial in the desired outcome and it would compensate." It would have a convenient matrix-style user interface: O U T P U T Fuel Fertilizer Rubber Goods I Chunky [] [] [] N Creamy [] [] [] P Squishy [] [] [] U Dog [] [] [] T I like how NASA is spending our tax dollars figuring out user interfaces that will make our poo easy to transmogrify. I hate those old-fashioned command-line-interface toilets! -> Though a Mars base is still a pipe dream, ...unlike making all consumer goods out of poo... -> there might be a use for the process back on Earth--just dump your -> plastic or other organic waste in a home pyrolysis unit Simply fish your poo out of the toilet and dump it into the pyrolyser. No fuss, no muss! Okay, that's a lie. It's some fuss and a lot of muss. -> and reap the energy. But in the meantime, Scotty will have to -> continue milking his dilithium crystals. At least the female ones. -> This latest idea follows in the wake of a Russian project, That reminds me, did the Russians ever launch that satellite that was supposed to create an artificial sun which held stationary over Moscow and rained down constant streams of fertilizer? (I am not making this up, I read it in Yuri Gagarin's book.) -> announced last year, which aims to use equally bizarre methods of -> recycling waste in order to maximise available power. The Russian -> plan, intended to be ready for their first crewed interplanetary mission, It's too bad they're not using poo to power unmanned missions. -> is to employ bacteria to break down the astronauts' used underwear while they're wearing it. -> to make additional methane, which could then be used to power the -> spacecraft (New Scientist, 12 December 1998, p 5). ALSO IN THE FUTURE ALL UNDERWEAR WILL BE MADE OF HYDRAZINE! IT WILL BE WORN ON THE OUTSIDE SO WE CAN CHECK! I AM NOT A CRACKPOT! -- K. I miss the Soviet Union. They were even sillier than regular Russia. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 3Sept99 Transition Phase; before tour-mission of famous scientists Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 04:41:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Serotonin" (serotonin1@hushmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > Today I repeated some actions I had taken in the 1987 cycle of South > > > Dakota. > > I don't know who you are, "Kibo", but I haven't laughed that hard in months! > Thank you for giving Archie's posts a reason to exist. Wait... Archie's writings exist? I thought I was just imagining them. Oh, poo. I better stop imagining so hard. > I know....Archie's posts are the lemons, but you've taken those lemons > and made.......... applesauce! And all the time I was just trying to rediscover the recipe for microwaved spaghetti in a paper cup. -- K. I am now imagining that I am only imagining Archie's rants, to see what happens if I imagine that I am no longer imagining them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cheese Blintzes Recalled Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 05:27:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The Associated Press has been associating with shady characters selling rancid cheese: > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- Government officials are warning the public > that cheese blintzes manufactured by a small New York company may > be contaminated with salmonella, which can cause serious infections > in certain people. > Ratner's Retail Foods decided to voluntarily recall frozen > cheese blintzes sold in 10 states after two New Yorkers became ill > with salmonella, the Food and Drug Administration and New York > officials said Friday. They're going to repackage them to say they have "mozzanella" cheese. > The blintzes -- cheese, blueberry-cheese and cherry-cheese -- The iBlintz. New, from Apple! The first computer that smells like cheese! > were sold in 13-ounce packages WHY DO POISONOUS BLINTZES COME IN PACKS OF THIRTEEN BUT HOT DOG BUNS COME IN PACKS OF SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX? AND WHAT ABOUT THAT AIRLINE FOOD? IT WOULD TASTE PRETTY GOOD RIGHT ABOUT NOW, HUH? WHAT'S UP WITH SATAN'S PITCHFORK? WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS, THAT OLD GUY IN THAT PAINTING? IS HE, LIKE, AMISH OR SOMETHING? AMISH PEOPLE ARE STUPID! I CAN SAFELY SAY THAT BECAUSE I DON'T SEE ANY HERE! -- Bad comedian in Hell > in stores in California, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Maryland, > Massachusetts, Minnesota, New Jersey, New York and Wisconsin. > Consumers who purchased the blintzes are urged to return them to > the store of purchase for a refund, the FDA said. Ha! Ha! I can see it now -- I tell the 7-Eleven that the Federal Government says they owe me two dollars. Then I have to crawl down the street to the hospital to have my broken legs looked at. > Symptoms of salmonella include diarrhea, fever, abdominal pain > and vomiting. But I get all those whenever I go near cheese anyhow. > Healthy people typically recover in a few days, Healthy people typically recover quickly from the illnesses they don't have. > but salmonella can cause serious, even life-threatening infections in > young children, the elderly and people with weak immune systems. The Blintz gives me power over those with weak immune systems. If salmonella married Darth Vader, it would be F. Scott Fitzgerald! I'm sorry, I just wrote the entire script for "Spaceballs Episode I: The Phantom Mentos" by accident. > The New York Department of Health said anyone who purchased > Ratner's cheese blintzes within the past six months may be at risk > of infection. To say nothing of those who have EATEN them! -- K. Can't spell Ratner's without Rat! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Massachusetts is confusing. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 05:38:23 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I looked up Massachusetts and Boston on one of those lists of wacky laws and I am quoting the four I'm worried about: Massachusetts -- It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath. Boston -- No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city. Boston -- An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday. Boston -- No one may take a bath without a prescription. So, let's see. I'm required to take a bath at bedtime, but first I have to get a prescription, and I have to move out of the city after the second night, unless it's Sunday, in which case I have to not go to bed because I'm not allowed to bathe. Basically, Boston residents are allowed to get enough sleep or smell good, but not both. And nobody's allowed to live in Boston for very long unless they stink. -- K. Also, you can't get a tattoo from anyone who knows how to do it correctly. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Classic arcade games you've never played Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 06:01:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I read through the list or old arcade video games that you can now play on your personal computer (thanks to a program called MAME) and noticed that some of these games have silly titles: '99 The Last War This classic game has a comeback every hundred years. 280 ZZZAP The enhanced, less-boring sequel to 280 ZZZ. 4D Warrior Armed with a sword the shape of a tesseract, you hack and slash your way through polytopes while drinking magical potions from your Klein bottle! Act Fancer That guy who plays Lt. Fancy on "Homicide" isn't trying any more... he should try to Act Fancer. Ajax The game with little blue dots that scrub away fingerprints. Off your fingers, I mean. American Horseshoes As opposed to all those other games of horseshoes popular throughout the entire civilized world. Appoooh This game simulates one of those digital talking diapers from Japan. "WINNA! WINNA! YOU MAKE APPOOOH!" Ark Area Can you escape from a fenced-in Usenet newsgroup full of weirdos? Arkanoid II: Revenge of Doh Homer Simpson takes Doh's name in vain one too many times. ASO: Armored Scrum Object "Waah! My sink is full of bubbles! I need new Scrubbing Scum, in this can conveniently labelled 'Scrum'!" Atomic Point The world's tiniest ultimate weapon, capable of completely destroying the zeroth dimension. Balloon Bomber Quick, drop the fluffy balloons on the evil ninjas! Birdie Try I Spock whacks the Horta with a golf club, and it writes "BIRDIE TRY I" on the cave floor. Blazer Object: Wear a sporty jacket that matches your golf slacks! Block Hole Disney's exciting science-fiction movie in which Amsterdam is saved by a little boy who blocks the hole. Boxing Bugs Oh, yeah, ants can PUNCH. Buck Rogers and the Planet of Zoom Followed by Flesh Gordon and the Planet of Va-Va-Va-Voom. Caveman Ninja I always preferred the other game, Ninja Caveman. Changes The game of hot flashes. Cheeky Mouse They never released the sequel: Kinky Gerbil. Chicken Shift This game suckfs. Concoto Cottong The game that answers the question, "What sound DOES it make when you toss a pogo stick into a room filled with mousetraps?" Cook Race A game created just for Howard Johnson's: The first player to get food from the kitchen to the customers loses. Cosmo Gang - The Video Hear rappers ask, "What nail polish should I wear to make my man better in bed?" Crude Buster Yet another game where you have to operate a petroleum cracking tower, separating hexanes from heptanes one by one. Dangerous Seed It's a kit you can take home to grow your own durian. Darwin 4078 "A WORLD WHERE DOLPHINS EVOLVED FROM ROY SCHEIDER?" Disco Number One Dance while urinating! Fighting Golf Help Bob Barker beat up Adam Sandler. (HOORAY!) Fitter The entire game consists of a simple puzzle: How DO you fit the quarter into the little slot? Frisky Tom The cat who chases Cheeky Mouse and/or Kinky Gerbil. Funky Bee How far does Funky Bee travel as it flies between Cheeky Mouse, Frisky Tom, and Kinky Gerbil? Funny Mouse Ah, so I assume they don't mean Mickey. Gardia It's almost as much fun as that other one, Giardia. Go Go Mr. Yamaguchi Can you get your daughter to skating practice on time? Goalie Ghost Oh, yeah, I want my soccer team to have a goalie made of air. Gondomania Now open in Boston's Gombat Zone! Gyrodine Based on David Letterman's "Whirling Bowl Of Chili". (That was almost twenty years ago, back when he actually did stuff.) Homo I swear I am not making that one up. Hopper Robo Not to be confused with Romper Hoom. Hyper Olympic At the Hyper Olympics, the challenge is to see who can hold still the longest. I'm Sorry ...for releasing this video game. Irritating Maze Most other randomly-generated mazes are pleasant fun. Jumping Islands Quick! Make the land hop over the water! Kamikaze Will it be "I'm sorry, you lose. You're dead." or "I'm sorry, you win. You're dead."? Kram The game that gives you only 24 hours to learn trigonometry before your final exam. In your underwear. Le Bagnard After France closes l'Ecole Polytechnique, the streets teem with bagnerds! LED Storm Watch out! It's raining blinking dots! Levers The first game to have all-pushbutton controls. Lot Lot Don't look back or you'll turn into salt salt. Macho Mouse Why do I get the feeling that somewhere all of these mouse games are lined up side by side singing "Y.M.C.A."? Mad Crasher Stop Bill Gates before he causes another Blue Screen Of Death! Magical Drop 3 It's good to the first sequel to the last drop. Unfortunately, two sequels was too many, so they should have dropped the cow. Marine Boy Aw, how cute, a baby with a semiautomatic rifle! Megatack "That's the second biggest pushpin I ever saw!" Mister Viking They call me MISTER Viking! Don't forget it or I'll smite you! Moonwalker Push the lever to make a giggling sisy with one glove dance backwards and... wait, that's the actual description of the game. Never mind. Mystic Marathon You're connected to your astral body by a silver cord 26 miles long... Nebulous Bee Run away from the completely insubstantial bumblebee! Neo Drift Out The sequel to a popular game where the object was to watch the monitor's colors slowly drift out of convergence due to the Earth's weak yet steady magnetic field. Night Stocker Can you get all the boxes of cereal to face outwards before the elderly people show up to buy groceries at 6:45 AM? Paddle Mania This game is SPANKTASTIC! Palamedes Sue Archimedes for palimony in this authentic re-creation of an exciting ancient Greek tabloid news story! Phelios The game based on the thrilling true life story of Mr. Rogers's tricycle-riding mailman, Mr. McPhelios. Phozon Phozons are particles that travel from big clown wigs to your eye. Wait, those are bozons. Piranha Can you hold perfectly still and refuse to do anything interesting whenever an alt.religion.kibology party enters the room? Pleasure Goal It's at the end of the Irritating Maze. Plotting Thrill to the excitement as the pen moves along both the X and Y axes to draw a scatter plot in the first video game from Hewlett-Packard! Pnickies A game for girls, based on the Freudian concept of pnickies envy. Pomping World They shouldn't have let Arnold Schwarzenegger title his own weightlifting game. Pop 'n Bounce First you pop the balloon, THEN you have to bounce it! Port Man Can you help Port Man remember which side of the boat is which? Power Surge The game that explodes when you plug it in. Prehistoric Isle in 1930 1930? Wow, that IS ancient. Relief Pitcher At the hospital they usually call it a "duck". Repulse The game's only input is an ugliness sensor. Rip Off Hey, this quarter slot's not connected to a game! Rodland Escape from the planet of obnoxious guys who can't pick a hair color! Satan of Saturn This was before the movie "Event Horizon" conclusively proved that Satan lives on Neptune. Scion Can you graft plant tissues to create exciting hybrid roses before the clock runs out? Scrambled Egg Can you unscramble the egg before time runs out? Sega Ninja Your mission: Infiltrate corporate headquarters and assassinate the CEO of Nintendo. Shackled The game where you stay chained to the wall the whole time. Shuuz I'm waiting for the sequel, Soqz. Sichuan II This time the food's even spicier! Slap Fight Watch as Emo Philips tries to beat up Pauly Shore! Smash TV One wonders why this machine always has a broken monitor. Snacks'n Jaxson A crunchy blend of little cheese crackers, pretzels, peanuts, and one sequined glove. Speak & Rescue Can you save the people who are trapped inside an inarticulate Texas Instruments toy? "NOW SPELL... BLFFRRR!!!" Speed Freak After level 12 it's hard to find anywhere else to stick the needle in. Springer Hide behind the old ladies in your audience as carefully-scripted spontaneous mayhem erupts between obnoxious jerks. Star Jacker I'M TAKING THIS RED GIANT TO CUBA!!! Sundance Can your little film festival make more money than Paul Newman's popcorn farm? Super Bond Mission: Develop an adhesive powerful enough to keep Roger Moore's toupee attached. Super Dodge Ball It's even MORE fun than playing dodge ball in gym class. Super Real Darwin The first robot dolphin to fool even Steven Spielberg. Surprise Attack It starts out like Pac-Man, but then the pink ghost throws a grenade in your lap. The Electric Yo-Yo Tom Wolfe's fascination with bright shiny spinning objects, now in convenient game form. The End This is the only game with a fixed amount of play time per quarter. Actually, you can play it for just as long even if you don't have a quarter. The Glob To win, you have to figure out: What IS this thing in your Campbell's Chunky Soup? The Real Ghostbusters This video game is actually a documentary, unlike that made-up "Ghostbusters" movie. The Simpsons Unfortunately, this game's graphics were so primitive that they had to make Bart's skin pink instead of fluorescent yellow. ThunderJaws Another Saturday-morning toy commercial from the makers of JabberCats. Time Tunnel No matter what you do, your clothes always turn back to a green turtleneck sweater at the end of every level. Toggle You win the even-numbered games, you lose the other ones. Trigon To win, you have to think of a new name for a shape with three sides. Trog Can you get Joan Crawford to be in your cheap caveman movie? Tropical Angel You're distributing a cheap soft drink to convenience stores, when suddenly your business is ruined by rumors that it contains PCP! Twin Bee The Popsicle that makes your mouth hurt. Two Crude ...and then you get banned from television. U.N. Squadron Your mission: Find a spot in Iraq where there isn't a crater... Undokai It's the opposite of dokai! Vapor Trail: Hyper Offence Formation P.U.! Someone's been eating garbanzos! Varth Also starring Skuke Lyewalker. Video Hustler Get your wheelchair up all those steps into the Supreme Court before Courtney Love overdoses. Vulcan Venture This new business represents a logical investment of your outstanding capital. Wardner "D'you mind if I mosey on outta this here jail, Wardner?" West Story A musical about the wonderful world of gangs, now one-third shorter. Wiping Captain's Log: Mr. Whipple has come aboard, and we are orbiting Uranus to wipe out Klingons... Wizard of Wor Sigmund Freud, Johnny Hart, and L. Frank Baum collaborated on a theory that the human mind is divided up into Id, Wor, and Oz. World Court Put Pac-Man on trial for his crimes against humanity. Wrestle War It's the United States Army versus some guys on steroids! Xexex The game that's also a copy machine. Yam Yam!? Popeye gives up on spinach and just eats sweet potatoes, shouting "I yam what I yam!" Zed Blade Help Zorro learn to write his name in British English. Zodiack Work magick in this game for womyn fortunetellers. Zzyzzyx The game that was holding the door when they were passing out names. -- K. And I can kick your butt at any of these games. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Metro' goof Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 06:50:11 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > You know, I have a theory that a heck of a lot of Hollywood films are made > simply for the purpose of laundering drug money. Hey, Matt, another film whose memory you need to preserve in your permanent brain cells -- "Brenda Starr". The one where Brooke Shields got to play dress-up with Tim Dalton. The one that was financed by BCCI and was instrumental in their collapse, causing the entire Savings & Loan crisis in the US several years ago. I can't think of too many other extremely bad movies that helped cause major economic crises... As far as movies financed by drug money go, well, "The Last Movie". You know, that one that won the "Special Unofficial Jury Prize" at the Cannes Film Festival, also known as "Ha! Ha! Zee stoopeed Americans, zey do not know that zis ees a booby prize and zey will be tricked into watching one of zee worst movies ev-air made!" -- K. It's just one of the many reasons to not like Dennis Hopper. But it's the best. P.S. Did you like my Pierre ScoochŽ impression? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gasoline Enema Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 07:23:02 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.torture and alt.sex.enemas, an anonymous Netcom customer wrote: > > My mother told me a long time ago that the Japanese soldiers > used to torture and kill their prisoners using gasoline enema > during the World War II. Wow, in your family, you got the BEST bedtime stories. > I'm not going to do this to anybody but would like to know what kind > of effects this would have on a human body. Also, would high-octane prevent knees from knocking? -- K. It's a shame Dr. Abian's not available for the experiment. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gasoline Enema Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 04:03:42 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > This morning while gassing up the Buick I was gazing stupidly at the pump > next to the one I was using. The handle was broken off and there was a > hasty sign taped to it, "OUT OF ORDER". > > Someone had scrawled below it, "tHe vaNDals toOK tHE HanDLe". t e va als to t an e H ND OK HE H DL Teva alsto tane HND OK HEHDL. Nope, it's not one of those Bacon cipherish things where the case of the letters has any significance of any sort. It appears to be wholly random, as chaos theory predicts. Either that or it was just written by some semi-literate bozo who didn't know the difference between a capital "O" and a lowercase "o" when he wrote "toOK". -- K. Maybe the vandals wrote it. You know, to be helpful. P.S. Today I was reading the ingredients on a Japanese imitation of Hamburger Helper (it was "Hamburg Helper" and appeared to be nothing but extender powder) and in the ingredients, they had spelled "hydrolyzed soybean protein" as "hydrolyzed sardine protein". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Is the moon still there? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 15 Sep 1999 07:37:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Beable "van" Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Is the moon still there? I'm afraid to look. Here is > a report of THE MOON EXPLODING from the front page of > a major Austrian newspaper "The Sydney Morning Herald" > yesterday. Please note that "The Sydney Morning Herald" > is a SERIOUS BROADSHEET and not TABLOID NONSENSE! > > TODAY, September 13, 1999, is the day that, according > to the 48-episode TV show Space: 1999 (made 1973-75) > the explosion of atomic waste dumps blasts the moon > out of its orbit. The 311 personnel of Moonbase Alpha > are hurled into space. The director was Gerry Anderson > and the cast included Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, Barry > Morse and Australian Nick Tate. Ooh, Gerry Anderson has been promoted from producer to director. I bet that'll teach that Charles Crichton guy to get all snooty about his success with "A Fish Called Wanda" and "Jurassic Park". Also, yesterday was only the day that SOME of the episodes claimed the Moon blew up. Continuity problems, you know. And for Australians to be proud of the Australian guy on "Space: 1999" is like black guys being proud of the black guy inside Jar Jar Binks. Nick Tate's character consisted of a guy in outback boots who went around reminding everyone he was from a planet called Australia: MARTIN LANDAU: (grimacing) Launch all Eagles! NICK TATE: Aye aye, and oy, mate! G'day, maye, oy'm frowm Awstroilya! Lookit me dingo boots! Put another shrimp on'e Barbie, mate! BARRY MORSE: Look at that, a whole galaxy is exploding ten feet away! BARBARA BAIN: (tonelessly) Oh no. MARTIN LANDAU: (contorting all his facial muscles) YAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!!!! NICK TATE: Oy'm still frowm Awstroilya! WIL WHEATON: Hurry up and get to the part where you get killed by being wrapped in selenium on "Star Trek: The Next Generation". -- K. Gotta go, the smell of my meat loaf is getting really loud. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Everything that will be on TV during the next year. (long) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 03:20:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Just in time for the debut of the *E*X*C*I*T*I*N*G* *N*E*W* *F*A*L*L* *T*E*E*V*E*E* *S*E*A*S*O*N* here in the United States, I have read all the way through the "Fall Preview" issue of _TV Guide_ and here are my impressions of all the bad shows I haven't seen yet, based on me reading their titles and sometimes their descriptions. ACTUAL BROADCAST NETWORKS EXCEPT FOR PBS AND SUPER-SUCKY PAX ------------------------------------------------------------ SATURDAY -------- Freaks and Geeks Oh, good, at last there's a show about handsome, charming nerds. (Everything else on Saturdays is filler or old stuff. Nobody watches TV on Saturday because they're all out partying down. Except for freaks and geeks.) _TV Guide_ calls it "achingly real." SUNDAY ------ Malcolm in the Middle Malcolm McDowell's followup to "Caligula" revolves around a raunchy threesome. _TV Guide_ calls this comedy "stylized". Hey, it's funny in a perfectly geometric way! Third Watch Little do the viewers realize this will turn out to be a closeup of three pocketwatches dangling from chains, and as the third one slowly swings back... and forth... and back... and forth... a perfectly stylized geometric peacock says "Must... see... TV... you... must... see... TV... use... only... General... Electric... light... bulbs..." _TV Guide_ says: "...the potential exists for plenty of nail-biting rescues." Keep watching, folks, someday maybe something _could_ happen! Snoops Snoop Doggy Dogg purchases a neighborhood bar, and hilarity ensues! _TV Guide_ says "Oops." Then continues for several sentences, spoiling what could have been the wittiest review they've ever printed. Jack & Jill A newsmagazine that competes with "Children's Digest: The Series", "Humpty Dumpty P.M.", and "Highlights For Children On TV". _TV Guide_ calls it "attractive trifle". MONDAY ------ Law & Order: Special Victims Unit Cops devoted to making victims feel _special_. "That's a _very_nice_ exit wound you have." Time of Your Life The only show where the characters are up-front about it: They're not wasting time in their lives. They're wasting yours. _TV Guide_ says it's "too cute." Ladies Man One of those shows which can't find the apostrophe key on its own keyboard, not unlike "Blakes7". Unless they really do mean that this man is also two women. Hey, that gives me a great idea for a new TV series! I could sell it to Glen Larson! _TV Guide_ says the guy is "frighteningly intense for such a standard sitcom." Yay! It's the unintentionally scary sitcom dad! The Parkers Action and thrills abound as ordinary people are asked to parallel park! _TV Guide_ says "there's always a risk they will outstay their welcome." What? A UPN show outstay its welcome? Grown Ups Due to a computer error, two five-year-olds are legally declared to be adults, and police follow them around all day to make sure they are never again allowed to think that Pixy Stix taste good and everyone makes fun of them when they watch "Sesame Street". _TV Guide_ says "Urkel was funnier." Although ex-Urkel is the alleged star of this show, I think that sentence could be applied to most of these shows. I mean, I've never seen the Urkel show, but compared to this stuff, I'm sure Urkel was hilarious. Safe Harbor It's about the point in the Pacific Ocean which is exactly opposite the Bermuda Triangle. It's so safe, there are a negative number of accidents every year! Ships keep coming out that were never even in there! _TV Guide_ says "all but one of the kids in the original pilot were replaced," although they don't say who or what replaced them. I'm hoping for a chimp and a robot. Family Law It's like "The People's Court" only at the end the loser is given a "time out". _TV Guide_ says it's "gauzy." TUESDAY ------- Once And Again It's like "Time And Again" on MSNBC, only different. _TV Guide_ says it's "too-arty." Shasta McNasty Everyone's least favorite cheap soda company teams up with McDonalds to bring you the Shasta McNasty, arch rival of Fanta Dairy Queen Stinky and RC KFC PU. (It's actually a show about white rappers. With one token black guy in the rap group. Genius! Know why it's about white rappers and not regular rappers? Because it would be tasteless and offensive to make fun of black culture, so they have to make fun of white rappers, because everyone hates white rappers. So nobody will be offended by this show about people nobody like. Plus there's a token black dude to make everything even _more_ okay.) _TV Guide_ says it uses "pop-up video techniques." And I wish the original Monkees would stop stealing that idea from MTV! You'd think the one with the hat invented MTV or something! The Strip If you think it's going to be about women taking their clothes off, well, you'll be surprised when you find out it's just about a Band-Aid Adhesive Strip. Whose shoe will it be stuck to the bottom of _this_ week? _TV Guide_ says it's "retro-chic" in its "megaviolence." Angel But he can never touch anyone because it would infringe Roma Downey's copyright. _TV Guide_ says it will attract a "cult following." That's reviewer-speak for "I don't like this but I know some people will like anything." The Mike O'Malley Show The title so bland I can't make fun of it. Next. _TV Guide_ says "why?" and, again, spoils the review by continuing. Judging Amy Every week, the same woman is put on trial for a crime she didn't commit! How many miscarriages of justice can be averted before she gets the chair in the season finale? _TV Guide_ says it's "perfectly pleasant." WEDNESDAY --------- Roswell So, the aliens are so smart that they can cross the galaxy in anti-gravity powered faster-than-light starships, and yet they bump into New Mexico? I can't wait to see an episode guest starring the Taos Hum. The script reads: "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM." For an hour. _TV Guide_ says "like 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'" and "like a really fun B-movie." (Like, you know, like "It's Like, You Know.") Work With Me A revival of the old series "Work & Mendy", starring Pauly Shore in the old Robin William role first created by Ray Walston. It's actually a sitcom starring Kevin Pollak, whose whole career has consisted of the fact that he can do a bad Shatner impression. Run away! Run away! _TV Guide_ here says, "There is barely enough material here for a sketch, let alone a long-running series." Wait, I thought we were talking about "Work With Me", not a long-running series. Get Real It's like, you know, it's like "It's Like, You Know," only not like so, you know, _fake_. _TV Guide_ says it's "overstimulation." The West Wing A man builds a house shaped like a chicken and tries to defend the extremities from Colonel Sanders. _TV Guide_ says it's "slick, solid, irresistible entertainment." Oh Grow Up The show that keeps telling you to watch "Grown Ups". _TV Guide_ calls it "slick yet almost suffocatingly sarcastic." Whew! "Almost"! THURSDAY -------- Action But will the other channels counter-program with "An Equal And Opposite Reaction"? (I hear this show stars that guy from "Saturday Night Live" who's like Norm MacDonald but different.) _TV Guide_ calls "Action" "a raw, bawdy riot," and says to "expect a cult and media-intensive following." (Translation: "It's not good, but people _and_ critics will love it!") Manchester Prep This show is based on a nonsense phrase from voice-training classes. In the first episode, Nancy hands the man the dandy candy because his name is Stanley and he comes from Manchester, New Hampshire, and she asks Stan, "Is that a Handy Andy in your pocket?" _TV Guide_ calls it "preposterous and poisonous." WWF Smackdown! A show with an exclamation! point! in its title! I can just see all these old guys sitting around the boardroom: "It's almost working... all we need to add is some more punctuation!" Other than that, I can't make fun of "WWF Smackdown!", because there is nothing silly about "professional" "wrestling". _TV Guide_ says, "Duck and cover." And doesn't ruin the review by continuing. Yay! Popular Based on the Ford Popular, England's least-favorite car in the early 1970s. Every week, a different English cheapskate tries to find a parking space small enough to fit the tiny car! (Airs back-to-back with "The Parkers.") _TV Guide_ calls it "uncool." Then Came You Oh, great, now they're letting Yoda pick the titles. _TV Guide_ says "Maybe you had to be there." Wasteland The world's vastest TV show. I sense dozens of TV critics running to their typewriters to misquote Newton Minow right now! (He did not say TV _was_ a vast wasteland, he said it _had the potential to become_ one. Also, Humphrey Bogart never once said "Judy, Judy, Judy" at an open-mike night at a comedy club.) _TV Guide_ says, "Waste of time is more like it... despite the plentiful eye candy." YAAAGH! THIS SHOW IS LIKE SHOVING PIXY STIX INTO MY EYES! IT BURNS, IT BURNS! Stark Raving Mad I won't stoop to making fun of this star vehicle which pairs Doogie Howser, M.D. with The Soup Nazi. It's just like "The Odd Couple" except it's got guys from two other shows in it. _TV Guide_ says "The horror, the horror." FRIDAY ------ Now And Again Not to be confused with "Time And Again" or "Once And Again." I find it ironic that so many shows insist on putting "again" in the title just so I can point out the irony of cancelling "...Again" after one season. _TV Guide_ calls the audience of this show "fickle." Mission Hill Oh, dear. Oh, dear. It's a fake "Seinfeld", about four hip young white people living in the big city, except... it's a cartoon. And it's set in Mission Hill. Folks, a show about four hip young white people living in the hip Mission Hill neighborhood is sort of like having the cast of "Friends" living in Cabrini Green. Oh, wait, it says here they don't live in the _real_ Mission Hill in Boston, they live in Mission Hill in "Cosmopolis". Whew. I worried that this was going to be one of those wacky cartoon shows that wasn't plausible. Also, Matt McIrvin insists I look like the red-haired, green-eyed fake Kramer for some reason. Maybe people with vision as bad as Matt's are the intended audience for these cartoon sitcoms. _TV Guide_ says "It's hard to know if we'd look at these characters twice if they weren't animated," presumably meaning that you need to look up from your book at least twice while watching this show. The Badland Every day, a lawman is hot on the trail of the evil land which is violating the laws of continental drift as it inches away from the rest of the United States at _two_ inches per year! _TV Guide_ says the star "is no Rick Schroder." Love & Money They'd have to give me both to make me bother thinking of something wacky to say about this one. _TV Guide_ says it's "hardly fresh." Harsh Realm Hoo-hah! It's an action-adventure-sci-fi spectacular about a bunch of space Marines trapped inside a virtual reality video game by an evil supervillain! With a "TV GUIDE FALL PREVIEW FAVORITE" logo plastered across the picture! This could be this year's "seaQuest DSV"! _TV Guide_ says, "It may be confusing, but at least it's not ordinary." Odd Man Out This is about a guy who got kicked out of the Odd Fellows for being too odd. If you know what I mean. _TV Guide_ claims it has "a leering tone." Is that better or worse than the Taos Hum? Cold Feet A game show which answers the question: Who would eat a plate of refrigerated pickled pig's feet for the least money? _TV Guide_ complains that there's an episode of "Dateline NBC" between "Providence" and "Cold Feet". (They should cancel the news, or at least hire a new head writer, dammit! News shows muss up my mind!) THE PAX NETWORK --------------- The Pax Network interrupts its home-shopping shows to bring you: Hope Island It's like "Gilligan's Island" only they're trapped with Bob Hope in this truly terrifying exercise in fear. _TV Guide_ says, "nice, if schmaltzy." Destination Stardom It's like "Star Search" only, instead of becoming a star, the winner of the talent contest gets seen on Pax. _TV Guide_ says, "'Star Search' gave us Rosie O'Donnell. Bring 'em on." I say, "'Star Search' gave us Rosie O'Donnell. Its work is done and now all talent shows can be eliminated because we don't need two Rosie O'Donnells." Chicken Soup For The Soul People's chests are cut open and scalding hot soup is poured in to relieve depression. Yours, not theirs. _TV Guide_ says it's "so-so." Twice In A Lifetime Not to be confused with "Once And Again", "Now And Again", or "Time And Again". _TV Guide_ says, "Touched by a clone." PRIME-TIME CABLE SERIES ----------------------- [I'm going to skip some of the dull ones in this section.] Real Soap (on BBC America) There's a BBC in America now? Does that mean they renamed PBS? _TV Guide_ says, "This British documentary looks at the daily dramas that occur at various locales around the United Kingdom, such as Heathrow Airport and a driving school." Why? "Ever wonder what really happens when your flight is delayed?" No... nor have I ever wanted to see a TV show about my flight being delayed. I guess it's like those cheap TV shows where people get trapped in the elevator, only the camera's just pointed at the outside of the elevator with a little clock at the bottom that says, "ELEVATOR HAS BEEN STUCK FOR 47 MINUTES. BORING, AIN'T IT?" Turn Ben Stein On (Comedy Central) Oh... joy... television's... most... thrillingly... exiting... personality... now... has... a... second... show... where... he... will... talk... to... people... in... his... thrillingly... exciting... voice... and... (sorry, I've got to stop this review, I ran out of dots) Ruby (Lifetime) Outrageous BBC talk-show host Ruby Wax ***GONG!!!*** I'm sorry, but Jamie Farr just gonged Ruby Wax's second attempt at an American talk show. Better luck with your third flop. Headlines & Legends With Matt Lauer (MSNBC) Matt Lauer has fifteen quarts of helium pumped into his head to make it grotesquely oversized like one of those "Headliners" baseball players from your local toy store. The New Ripley's Believe It Or Not (TBS) Ah, they're reviving it _again_. But my money's on it not being as interesting as the one with Jack Palance. Nobody but him could make a show interesting just by saying, "AND! On the way... TO WORK... THIS MORNING! I found... A NICKEL! AND! That nickel... was worth... FIVE!!! CENTS!!! BELIEVE it......... OR NOT!!!!!!" (Maybe they should give Jack Palance and Ben Stein a show together and see if they cancel each other out. No, better not, you might just get someone with twice the "..."s. And then they'd have to be on a show with Kevin Pollak and William Shatner.) PRIME-TIME SYNDICATED SERIES EVEN WORSE THAN "BAYWATCH" ------------------------------------------------------- Battle Dome It's like "American Gladiators" plus pro wrestling! Gosh, I hope it's not like the one that was STUPID. The Beastmaster Someone apparently noticed that Ted Turner likes watching the three "Beastmaster" movies over and over on his own private channel (what, you think he expects anyone else to watch TBS?) so now they're making a whole lot of episodes of it just to please him. Unfortunately, they couldn't get the original Marc Singer (I hear he's hospitalized with a brain injury from making the part in his hair too deep) and had to settle for an Australian guy. Well, at least he has the same shaved chest as all real barbarians did. The Dream Team Every week, O.J. gets acquitted of something else! Actually, it's a fake "Charlie's Angels" with Roger Moore (the Bond with the best hairpiece) as their boss. The title is, according to _TV Guide_, a reference to the gals being the "Dangerous Reconnaissance and Emergency Action Team." THE EXTRA "M" IS FOR EXTRA "DUH?" I would've called them the Dangerous Reconnaissance and Emergency Action Rescue Youths, but I'm not good at making up silly acronyms. Relic Hunter _TV Guide_'s synopsis: "Tia Carrere ('Wayne's World') plays Sydney Fox, the world's sexiest history professor, who freelances as a butt-kicking explorer in search of priceless artifacts." They go on to fail to recognize that it's based on a video game that they couldn't even get the licensing rights to. I mean, could "Relic Hunter" be more obviously a ripoff of "Tomb Raider"? Well, okay, Tia Carerre isn't quite as good an actress as that polygonal woman in the game. But other than that, _TV Guide_ should have been smart enough just to print in large red letters, "WARNING: LIVE-ACTION KNOCKOFF OF A VIDEO GAME!" Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World Adventurers get lost in the jungle and find dinosaurs... Hey, this is a total ripoff of the real "The Lost World", by Michael Crichton! He should sue that Conan Doyle guy for stealing his idea, and get his late-night talk show taken away too! Peter Benchley's Amazon Another world's sexiest history professor leads more adventurers as they get lost in more jungle with more dinosaurs, or something. Who cares? MADE-FOR-TV MOVIES ------------------ (I'm going to skip the 90% that are too tedious to think about.) Road Rage _TV Guide_: "Yasmine Bleeth takes to the road as a mom who cuts off a sociopath." All of him, or just part of him? Silk Hope _TV Guide_: "Farrah Fawcett ... fights to save the family farm from her goody-two-shoes sister." Who presumably has the advantage if she hasn't fried her brain on drugs. Avalon This sequel to "The Abyss" is described by _TV Guide_ as: "'Sea Hunt' starring Parker Stevenson ('Baywatch') as head of an underwater strike force battling a poison energy field that has zapped an entire Caribbean island." Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've found this year's "seaQuest". Even if _TV Guide_ can't tell "seaQuest" from "Sea Hunt". Dear _TV Guide_: If it has diamond smugglers, it's "Sea Hunt". If it has energy fields that you can't touch because they're poisonous, it's "seaQuest". Y2K Can Ken Olin change his computer's clock from 1999 to 2000 before the entire world explodes? Yawn 2 K. Keep your eyes on Ken Olin in case he's in any other dumb TV movies this year... (hint, hint) Chameleon II: Death Match Darn, it's a sequel to some other stupid TV-movie, not the one with the "Karmelion" invisible muscle car. H-E Double Hockey Sticks A helium atom and two hockey sticks band together to fight subatomic sports crimes. The Soul Collector The twist at the end is that, because he's punched holes in the lids of all the jars, the souls have leaked out. Hefner Unauthorized It's the same as his authorized biography, only sleazy. Evolution's Child And I quote: "Ken Olin dons hospital whites as a fertility expert who accidentally inseminates a woman with sperm taken from a frozen Bronze Age man." Okay, so there was that wacky sperm bank comedy movie with Ted Danson and Whoopi Goldberg, and then there was that even worse one where nobody told Corbin Bernsen that he was working in a sperrrrrrm baaaaank for the first hour, and now there's this COMPLETELY SERIOUS movie about a woman accidentally being inseminated by a caveman. And at the end, the screen says, "THIS HAS BEEN THE TRUE STORY OF THE BIRTH OF JOHN TESH!" Journey to the Center of the Earth Some explorers get lost in a jungle with dinosaurs and yadda yadda yadda. I think this was already on and I missed it. Which is too bad because there could never be another movie based on this public-domain novel. Storm "...a maverick meteorologist ('Beverly Hills, 90210's Luke Perry) stumbles onto a government plot (headed by Martin Sheen) to wipe out Mexico with a giant storm." Okay, let's say that you're making a movie where NASA's purpose is to destroy Mexico with a giant storm (which fortunately will blow away Mexico without hurting the United States.) Who would you cast as the "maverick meteorologist" who saves Mexico? Why, Luke Perry, of course. THERE'S NO NAME MORE TRUSTED IN MAVERICK METEOROLOGY! P.S. _TV Guide_'s description of this should have been, "WARNING: CONTAINS WEATHER MACHINE. MAY ALSO CONTAIN A MAGNET THAT ATTRACTS ALL THE GOLD IN THE WORLD, THE GREAT GAZOO, OR OTHER HANNA-BARBERA LEVEL IDIOCY." The Timeshifters Thrills! Excitement! Watch as ordinary people actually program their VCRs so that they can watch Jay Leno's show _during breakfast_! Don't Look Under The Bed Don't go in the house! If you do, don't go to sleep! And if you do, don't look under the bed! And if you do, absolutely, positively, do not watch this movie! In a Class of His Own _TV Guide_: "Forrest Gump goes to high school." Damn! I should have had a camera when I was in high school. There were at least ten kids in every class who made Forrest Gump look brainy. I coulda been a millionaire! Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost "Naah, we did witches at least once before." "How about ghosts?" "We did ghosts once or twice too." "I know! Let's have it be a witch's ghost!" "Can she have a weather machine?" Sirens The first TV-movie to consist of two hours of highly amplified "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Hostage Hotel They don't let you go until you pay for your room service. DAYTIME SYNDICATED SERIES ------------------------- [I won't even go into the horrors of the new daytime shows, such as Louie Anderson's techno-funked-up "Family Feud" without the fiddle music.] KIDS' SHOWS ----------- The Avengers That's odd, I don't remember Patrick Macnee having giant claws that could fire lasers. But I don't mind if they're going to drag all these superheroes into "The Avengers" as long as they leave out the weather machine. Beast Machines It's the n-teenth "Transformers" spinoff. This franchise is harder to kill than "Star Trek: Voyager"! Big Guy And Rusty The Boy Robot Okay, so the robot's rusty, but which of them has the moldy sneakers? (It's another "Gigantor" clone. Not unlike a certain movie that came and went a few weeks ago.) Blaster's Universe "Based on an educational CD-ROM series" ***GONG*** Detention Oh boy, a cartoon set in detention! Watching this should be almost as much fun as _actually_ staying after school! Dragon Tails "Two young siblings enter a universe filled with friendly, fire-breathing dragons." I'm just glad our universe isn't filled with anything. It would be awfully cramped. Also, unlike those kids, I have gender. Monster Rancher Fake "PokŽmon". It's a cartoon based on a video game that's just like the cartoon based on a different video game. NASCAR Racers I never thought I'd live to see this phrase in print: "...which can reach speeds of up to 400mph. Animated." WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANIMATE ANY FASTER!!! The New Tales From The Cryptkeeper Kids'll watch a spinoff of a spinoff of anything. Rescue Heroes A cartoon series based on those Fisher-Price toys that look like a motorcycle cop, a fireman, a construction worker, and other Village People... except that they have ENORMOUS SIZE 37 FEET! Just the ticket to make kids grow up to be gay foot fetishists. Roswell Conspiracies: Aliens, Myths, & Legends Okay, we've got two "Roswell"s and three "And Again"s on the air this year. I'd say that's a full house. Of crap. Roughnecks: Starship Trooper Chronicles First comes the bad movie. Then comes the cartoon series based on it. Next year: A live 3-D webcam mounted on the inside of Robert Heinlein's coffin so you can see him spin! Xyber 9 "A young man pursues his quest to save an apocalyptic world." Hey, is your quest running? Then you better go pursue it! Angela Anaconda "In this cutout-style animated series, an 8-year-old girl confronts her arch rival in elaborate fantasy sequences." You see, it's exactly the same as "South Park" only it's on The Fox Family Channel, so she'll go around saying "GOSH DARN IT! IT'S THE CHICKEN HUGGER!" and "CARTMAN, YOU'RE ONLY SLIGHTLY OVERWEIGHT, CHUM!" and "THEY MILDLY BOTHERED KENNY!" Courage the Cowardly Dog When I was a little kid and I saw "The Wizard of Oz," I wondered, "Why does courage come in a bottle?" WRITE YOUR OWN JOKE HERE. Jellabies "Six colorful, pliable creatures gambol in the land of Jelly in this 3-D animated series for preschoolers." Six? Six fake Teletubbies? Does that mean there will be _two_ obviously gay ones? (I also like how _TV Guide_ insists that all computer animation is "3-D". There have been regular, non-computer cartoons in 3-D [needing red & blue anaglyphic glasses, etc.] so I think that if someone made a computer-animated anaglyphic cartoon, then _TV Guide_ would start trumpeting it as being "4-D".) The Jersey The Bronx merges with New Jersey to get The Jersey. The Jersey's tough. The Jersey can beat up your neighborhood. And it will. Don't mess with The Jersey. The Kids From Room 402 Why are those kids there? They got sent to 402 when they tried to view a Web site that required payment. OKAY, SO THE BEST I COULD DO WAS TO MAKE A REFERENCE TO AN HTTP STATUS CODE THAT'S NEVER BEEN IMPLEMENTED. SO SUE ME. [See RFC 2068, "HTTP 1.1", section 10.4.3.] Little Bill _TV Guide_ alerts me that this is another cartoon show where Bill Cosby plays a little kid. Maybe Fat Albert will crush Little Bill. If we're lucky. Mega Babies Not to be confused with "Acromegalo Babies", which has been retitled "Rondo Hatton's Elephant Babies." Mike, Lu, & Og I'd like to buy a vowel, Pat. 100 Deeds For Eddie McDowd Not to be confused with "Donny Don't Does 100 Doots." 5 Club 7 In Miami Not to be confused with 7 Mary 3 in Los Angeles. OKAY, I MADE A LARRY WILCOX REFERENCE, SO SUE ME AGAIN. Weird-Ohs The wacky misadventures of those deformed little Froot Loops at the bottom of the bag. Oh, thank god, I'm done with the _TV Guide_ "Fall Preview" issue. This looks like an unusually bad TV season because I only want to try watching one or two of those 158 shows, not the usual three. -- K. Sometimes TV is so disinteresting that you wish there were more chimps in the world. I mean in the world on TV, not the real world. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Him vs Her at ATM Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 03:52:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.fashion, "Plummy43" (plummy43@aol.com) wrote: > > Just a little funny, I thought fit well in for this group>>>> Yes, Virginia, there is humor in alt.fashion. > You Can Bank On It! > > HIM: > 1. Pull up to ATM > 2. Insert card > 3. Enter PIN number and account > 4. Take cash, card and receipt > > HER: > 1. Pull up to ATM > 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror > 3. Shut off engine > 4. Put keys in purse > 5. Get out of car b/c stopped too far from machine > 6. Hunt for card in purse > 7. Insert card > 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it > 9. Enter PIN number > 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. > 11. Hit "cancel" > 12. Re-enter correct PIN number > 13. Check balance > 14. Look for envelope > 15. Look in purse for pen > 16. Make out deposit slip > 17. Endorse checks > 18. Make deposit > 19. Study instructions > 20. Make cash withdrawal > 21. Get in car > 22. Check makeup > 23. Look for keys > 24. Start car > 25. Check makeup > 26. Start pulling away > 27. STOP > 28. Back up to machine > 29. Get out of car > 30. Take card and receipt > 31. Get back in car > 32. Put card in wallet > 33. Put receipt in checkbook > 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook > 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook > 36. Check makeup > 37. Put car in gear, reverse > 38. Put car in drive > 39. Drive away from machine > 40. Travel 3 miles > 41. Release parking brake I think this proves that women are smarter than men because the woman remembered to drive home afterwards, while the man is still standing in front of the ATM. Plus she had money to deposit, unlike the man. However, men don't have to hit any buttons or anything to get cash. All this raises the question: What are the steps for a Kibologist to operate a bank machine? Please let me know as I've got to go to the bank if it ever stops raining. -- K. OH MY GOD! THE HURRICANE STARTED WHILE I WAS ON THE INTERNET! I SWEAR I DIDN'T DO IT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium in Slate? Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 22:01:21 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) tells us that "Slate" magazine (on the Web) wrote: > > > Not everything you read on the World Wide Web is true. Yeah, like "Slate" magazine. It's a lie! It's not even a magazine! It's a Web site! > > Not everything you read in the New York Times is true, either. That's why they don't print comics. Because they got sick of people complaining that the funny pages weren't always true. > > So when you read about scientific breakthroughs, how do you know > > what to believe? > > > > Partly, you trust your instincts: A theory that life evolved from clay is > > more inherently plausible than a theory that life evolved from Play-Doh. > > Partly, you consider the source: A Harvard professor is more credible than > > a Dartmouth dishwasher. Wait, when did Archie have a theory that life evolved from non-toxic toy dough wads? I thought he said that life was created by a giant plutonium atom named "God" just so that it could eventually create the Internet so that Archie could tell us that he finds puffed rice to be filling. Me, I believe life began *on* the Internet. -- K. Don't tell "Slate", but new archeological research shows that some layers of Internet content were deposited before the formation of the Web... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,sci.math,sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: In answer to a post of 1993, yet this is 1999 Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 22:21:28 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics, sci.math, and sci.chem, Archimedes Plutonium (archimedes_plutonium@my-deja.com) wrote: > > My comment to this post of 1993, is that I really do not care whether > crazy people have a hard time of distinguishing between normal people > and other crazy people. Or whether genius people have a hard time of > recognizing supergenius people. Or whether crazy people are disabled in > recognizing between normal people and crazy people. I say that IF CRAZY PEOPLE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY, IT WOULD BE REAL HARD TO TELL THEM FROM SANE PEOPLE! Except for the ones who have names like "Socrates Radium". Something like that's a dead giveaway. > But these I am sure would be interesting for psychologists to research > once they can define to some extent what crazy is. Arch? "DSM"? Library? Bookstore? Provided you can find someone who can explain to you how to go to the library and where to find the DSM and how to read a book, you can use the DSM to follow the handy diagnostic flowchart to determine how crazy you are. If you're lucky, they might also have the special kids' edition, which has lots of cartoons with easy-to-read captions such as "You must be at least THIS crazy to be on this drug!" > [...] > > The hardest class of people to recognize are the geniuses and > especially the supergenius class of people, and the reason for this is > because they are so far advanced over that of a normal mind. So far > advanced that their first judgement is to categorize these people as > crazy. Instead of the correct category, "supercrazy". > [...] > > I hope I archived that post. And I hope that someone else has saved > all of the posts that ad hominemed or attacked Archimedes Plutonium > from 1993 to present, for they are valuable to the science of > psychology. For none of the past geniuses had a documented record of > the reactions of normal people against geniuses I've been archiving _mine_! (Of course, this means I'm not normal, because a normal person would not archive writings about Archie Plutonium.) And I've been archiving your writings. I figure someday this archive will make a very nice coffee-table book, especially for people who don't own any regular coasters. -- K. P.S. Arch, when the coffee-table book's printed, I'll sell you a copy at a discount -- after all, you did make some minor contribution to its contents. I'll let you buy as many copies as you want for only half the regular price of $100,000.