Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: HUBBLE CAPTURES A GRAND VIEW OF THE BIRTH OF "HEFTY" STARS (STScI-PR99-33) Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 03:57:07 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In local.opo, local.tute, local.classifieds, sci.astro, and sci.astro.amateur, "HST News Release" (hst-news@stsci.edu) wrote: > > EMBARGOED UNTIL: 1:00 a.m. (EDT) September 29, 1999 Oh no! I am violating an embargo! This could lead to a missile crisis and possibly a nuclear war within the scientific community! (Hey, if they didn't want me to read it until tomorrow, they shouldn't have posted it to local.opo, whatever that is.) ((Hmm, what sort of bozotic system administrator names their local newsgroups "local.*"? "Are we supposed to be getting 'local' here?" "I don't know. Are we local to where we are?" "No, it says here in fine print that only the Hubble Space Telescope is ever local." "But it's way up there in orbit! This means that whenever a TV commercial tells me to see a local dealer, I'll have to go into outer space!")) > CONTACT: Donna Weaver > Space Telescope Science Institute, Baltimore, MD > (Phone: 410-338-4493) > > Nolan Walborn > Space Telescope Science Institute, Baltimore, MD > (Phone: 410-338-4915) > > PRESS RELEASE NO.: STScI-PR99-33 > > > HUBBLE CAPTURES A GRAND VIEW OF THE BIRTH OF "HEFTY" STARS ORDINARY stars are WIMPY! WIMPY! WIMPY! But the Hubble Space Telescope is so powerful that it can see stars that are HEFTY! HEFTY! HEFTY! You know, like Orson Welles, Roseanne, Shelly Winters, William Conrad, Penn Jilette, and Gil Gerard during those years he didn't get any work. > Images taken in infrared and visible light by NASA's Hubble Space > Telescope recount a vivid story of the turbulent birthing process > of massive stars. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing mild turbulence as we pass through a star's birth canal..." This is why I will never travel into outer space on Pan Am no matter how many product placements Stanley Kubrick did. > The pictures show that powerful radiation and high-speed material > unleashed by "hefty" adult stars residing in the hub of the > 30 Doradus Nebula are triggering a new burst of star birth in > the surrounding suburbs. Like their adult relatives, the fledgling > stars are creating all sorts of havoc in their environment. WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN!!! > Nascent stars embedded in columns of gas and dust, for example, > are blowing away the tops of their nurseries, like a volcano blasting a nursery. THAT'S SICK! YOU GET YOUR BABIES OUT OF THIS IMAGINARY VOLCANO! STOP USING METAPHORS -- THIS IS SCIENCE! SCIENCE ONLY ACKNOWLEDGES THE EXISTENCE OF SIMILES! > material into the sky. Jets of material streaming from another developing > star are slamming into surrounding dust and gas in opposite > directions, causing it to glow in moving patterns. Eventually scientists hope to discover something which is not moving. Then they will put some orange cones around it with signs saying "WARNING: THIS AREA IS AT ABSOLUTE REST IN ALL FRAMES OF REFERENCE" and all those posters of Einstein sticking out his tongue in college dorms everywhere will start to cry. > The stellar action is happening relatively nearby, 170,000 light-years > from Earth in the Large Magellanic Cloud, a satellite galaxy of the > Milky Way. This backyard nursery is a great laboratory for studying the > details of the birth and development of "hefty" stars and multiple-star > systems. Preliminary findings indicate that some of the hefty stars may have been abusing steroids. Joe Piscopo has been sent to the Space Telescope Science Institute to assist with their research, and because they wanted to re-enact that "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode (written during the writers' strike) where Mr. Data uses the holodeck to meet history's greatest comedian, Joe Piscopo. Who has NEVER used steroids. His neck is just that wide from all that strenuous joke-telling. > "This region is larger and contains more massive stars than any similar > object in our galaxy," says astronomer Nolan R. Walborn of the Space > Telescope Science Institute in Baltimore, Md. "In fact, it is the > largest such nebula in the entire Local Group of galaxies. We're able > to clearly see objects in the Large Magellanic Cloud because their > light is not blocked by interstellar dust, which impedes our study of > objects in the Milky Way. WRITE YOUR GALACTIC CONGRESSMAN! > Furthermore, it is near enough that individual stars and gaseous structures like Joe Piscopo OOH! SORRY! PUT THAT ONE BACK IN THE OBVIOUS BAG! > within it can be studied in detail with large telescopes. Eventually scientists will build a telescope bigger than the Universe, and then they won't have any place to put it, so they'll have to blow up the Universe to make room, and then they won't have anything to look at. And creatures in other dimensions will laugh at us. > "Thus, 30 Doradus provides a model for interpreting even larger > starbursts in distant galaxies, for which detailed resolution is not > possible. The Hubble images of 30 Doradus reveal characteristics of > massive star birth never before seen so clearly, Couldn't they just have rented that Barbra Streisand movie at Blockbuster? It's on the shelf right next to that other important work of astrophysics, "Star 80", the film where at the end Mariel Hemingway's breasts collapsed into black holes from the gravity of their massive silicone cores. > and some of them not at all." > > The creator of these powerful cosmic forces is R136, a > two-million-year-old central cluster of massive stars. These "heavy" > stars have temperatures 10 times that of the Sun Scientists studying these stars through huge telescopes have announced, "WE'RE BLIND! OUR EYES ARE ON FIRE! YAAAAAAAGH!" > and masses up to 100 times greater. With 50% less saturated fat! > Such stars emit prodigious amounts of energy through > ultraviolet radiation and high-speed gas. They shed bubbles of material > at speeds of thousands of miles per second, which collide with > surrounding dense clouds composed predominantly of cold, molecular > hydrogen. Some of the clouds collapse, igniting a spate of > second-generation stars. Most of these new stars are less than a > million years old. Except for Bob H--whoops, my Obvious Bag just self-destructed, sacrificing itself to save the entire Universe from another Bob Hope reference! "CAPTAIN, WE KINNA TAKE ANY MORE O' THESE BOB HOPE REFERENCES!" > Astronomers have not determined how many fledgling stars reside in 30 > Doradus, but they estimate the number to be in the thousands, which is > a significant fraction of the original generation of stars. All of > these stars are packed into a 600-light-year-wide nebula. With a tiny sticker saying "Some settling may have occurred during expansion of Universe." > Ultraviolet light emitted by the hot stars that make up R136 energizes > the clouds of gas, illuminating the surrounding region and showing off > the tempestuous activity. The images of this region, taken with the > Wide Field and Planetary Camera 2 (WFPC2) and the Near Infrared Camera > and Multi-Object Spectrometer (NICMOS), Not to mention the Candid Camera With Allen Funt (CCWAF), the Cheap Pink Plastic Barbie Digital Camera (CPPBDC), and the Chubby Checker Bathroom Perversion Camera (CCBPC). > show immense clouds of dust, several in the form of pillars 5 to 10 > light-years tall, But there's no "up" or "down" in space. So these might not be 5 to 10 light-years _tall_, they might be going downwards so they're 5 to 10 light-years _short_! > giant incubators where young stars and multiple star systems are forming. > Resembling the towers of the Eagle Nebula, these columns of dust are > oriented toward the luminous central star cluster, suggesting that the > cluster's powerful emissions are creating these stellar nurseries. > > Radiation emitted by some of the fledgling stars has begun to erode > their natal dust columns; their emergence from these columns can be > seen in the visible-light images. But others are still completely > immersed in their stellar incubators. These newborn stars can be > discerned only in the infrared images, and many of them have never > before been seen. We did not before have proof that these stars do, indeed, look like dots. Just like the other ten quintillion. > Astronomers have inferred that many of these new stars, based on > their total brightnesses, also have very large masses. > > Other new stars are shooting twin jets of material into the surrounding > clouds of dust and gas, causing them to glow. These jets suggest that > the stars have rotating disks of material surrounding them. The disks > shape and aim the jets. Scientists plan to send a clone of Marilyn Monroe to stand over these stars. COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU: THE SEVEN-TRILLION-LIGHT-YEAR ITCH! "I'm not in it!" -- Joe Piscopo "And Bob Hope's not in it either!" -- Roger Ebert "I like Marilyn Monroe, even in clone form." -- A Scientist > "The observation of bipolar outflows from massive doses of lithium in Joe Piscopo's diet > star formation suggests that accretion disks are essential in forming > 'heavy' stars, just as they have been established to be a crucial factor > in creating low-mass stars in our solar neighborhood," Dr. Walborn explains. Oh, great. Now we're going to have to watch stock footage of Carl Sagan trying to sing "A LOW-MASS STAR IS AN OBSERVABLE OBJECT IN YOUR SOLAR NEIGHBORHOOD" to some sock puppets covered with shag carpeting. -- K. There were a few hundred more lines of text in the press release, but in five minutes it'll be September 29 here, so I stopped writing to be sure I could post this on September 28. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Killing Bugs for Fun Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 04:21:03 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Meg Winberg (mwinberg@uclink4.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > > > When I was in kindergarten there was a kid who was sent to > > psychiatric counseling because he was found pulling the wings > > off flies. Somehow this lesson has stayed with me: if you are > > going to torture bugs for fun, don't get caught. More recently > > this has mophed into, if you insist on torturing bugs, try to > > get a grant for it. Thus are entomologists born. Unless the teacher yells "Cease and desist with your entomological mophery! There is no mophing allowed here in this family-oriented kindergarten!" > HEY THAT REMINDS ME! So, the drosophila melanogasters you > guys have in the lab, a lot of them have scalloped or scute > or no or whatever wings and are thus unable to fly, right? > So shouldn't they be called "walks" or something? Who cares? They won't come when you call them. > > (Needless to say, I got the job.) > > Also, what is the deal with foreign cab drivers? And why does Dr. Pepper come in a Pepsi truck? -- K. "Mommy, mommy, why do you keep saying I don't have any wings?" "Shut up or I'll pull your legs off too!" HA HA HA HA! I'm gonna send that in to "Dynamite" magazine! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Things That Have Happened At Work Recently Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 04:29:51 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > (So those who don't know don't melt their brane, I work in a video store). HEY EVERYBODY ON THE WHOLE INTERNET, LOTS42 WORKS AS A CLERK IN A VIDEO STORE! There, that should ensure that nobody accidentally dates you or anything. -- K. (Cue Raul Julia screaming "TRRRRRRIPLESPACE!!!!") ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Things That Have Happened At Work Recently Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 07:21:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) yelled: > > > > HEY EVERYBODY ON THE WHOLE INTERNET, LOTS42 WORKS AS A CLERK IN > > A VIDEO STORE! > > > > There, that should ensure that nobody accidentally dates you or anything. > > > Yeah, like _you're_ gettin' action baggin' groceries at the A&P, O Net God. Hey! The fact that I work in a crappy supermarket has nothing to do with the fact that women can't stand me! I think it's just that they're ashamed to be near me because I would compare them to the unattainable beauty of my wife, television's striking Juliet Landau. Either that or they just hate hearing me talk about my imaginary job at the imaginary A&P with my real wife, television's va-va-va-voom-vacious Juliet Landau. -- K. I actually did work in a supermarket briefly, around 1987 or so. It was considerably lamer than an A&P. However, it contributed greatly to my knowledge of organized crime. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: What is wrong with the people living inside my TV? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 29 Sep 1999 05:27:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor The little people inside my TV are trying to convince me that I should start taking massive doses of Rogaine BEFORE I start losing my hair... JUST IN CASE. Ladies and gentlemen, we have just entered a new era of medical science where drugs with weird side effects should now be self-administered ON SPEC. HOLY COW, I BETTER START TAKING DIGITALIS IN CASE I'M ABOUT TO DEVELOP A BAD HEART! AND I BETTER DRINK LOTS OF LAXATIVES JUST IN CASE I'M ABOUT TO BE CONSTIPATED! AND I BETTER GET A LOBOTOMY BEFORE I GO INSANE! -- K. Also, please tell the Rogaine people it's too late. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Japan's Aum cult to contract activity Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 04:14:27 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor l'AFP just disseminated via the ClariNet wire service: > > Subject: Japan's Aum cult to contract activity They're hiring contract workers now? I guess they just wanted to be different from all those other cults that hire temps. ("When doomsday is nigh, call CultTemps!") > TOKYO, Sept 29 (AFP) - Japan's Aum Supreme Truth cult said > Wednesday it would cut back its activities after the government > threatened to clamp down on the doomsday sect. Clamp. Now that's a word with ZING. Today's words with zing: CLAMP, CULT, SOCKS, ALLIGATORISH, HERMITAGE, LAWNDART, GIMP, POTSIEBUTT, NUCULAR, NOUGAT, NASTURTIUM, NASDAQ, PANTSLESS, POTSIELESS, PANTSLESSPOTSIELESS. > "We will stop missionary work, a street campaign, seminars and > leaflet distribution," Tatsuko Muraoka, acting representative of the > cult, told a news conference at its facility in Tokyo. > "From now on, we will not buy large real estate and will not > hold a meeting or festival of followers," Muraoka said, adding the > cult would temporarily stop using the name, "Aum Supreme Truth." > But the cult will continue other activities. > "Our current believers will continue living together," she > said. > Aum Supreme Truth cult members shocked the world when they > spread Nazi-invented Sarin gas in Tokyo's subway in March 1995, > killing 12 people and injuring thousands. ETHICAL PEOPLE WOULD NEVER USE ANYTHING INVENTED BY NAZIS!!! Except for Volkswagen Beetles. Them's cute cars. And they used to advertise that they float in water because their construction is so precise that they're airtight, and -- HEY, MY CAR IS FILLING WITH SARIN GAS! HELP! > Hiroshi Araki, the cult's chief spokesman, told the conference > the sect would start considering whether it would admit its members > launched the gas attack on Tokyo's subways. "I SAID 'LUNCH', NOT 'LAUNCH'!" It's the darkest Sid'N'Marty Krofft show EVER! Starring the "Hi, Guy!" guy as the evil cult leader, Gilligan as his Little Buddy, and with a special guest appearance by John Carradine as a man wearing a Hefty bag instead of a normal costume. It's cheapotastically evil! > Cult guru Shoko Asahara and dozens of his followers are being > tried on charges ranging from fraud to murder related to the 1995 > gas attack, the murders of an anti-Aum lawyer and his family, and > other acts. What about that guy who just juggles balls inside a big triangle? Or Howie Mandel putting his head inside a rubber glove again? I mean, if they murdered some of those acts, nobody would cry. (Even in Japan, where people actually watch "variety" shows. Why is it that they're called "variety" programs when they don't contain any varieties of entertainment?) > But fears have mounted the cult is regaining influence by > boosting its financial base with computer sales. "MOMMY, WHY DOES MY BARBIE COMPUTER SMELL LIKE NERVE GAS?" -- K. OH NO, THE PINK SCREEN OF DEATH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's Culinary Experiment. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 06:50:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Okay, so I bought some ground beef today -- because I could -- and when I got home I threw it in the refrigerator and ate some White Castles, because White Castles are better than anything with actual beef in it, and then later tonight I came back to my ground beef and looked through my piles of food components to see what I could do with it. (I like to refer to food as having "components" and computers as having "ingredients" just to confuse people who are overly context-sensitive.) I decided that the time was right to try one of the two kinds of caldereta (Phillipine stew) mix that had been sitting in the corner for a while. Unfortunately, I didn't have any olives or peas (and it was too late in the day to go out and get some gandules) so I decided to use a can of Chinese baby corn instead of olives and peas. I had a box of dried hash browns to use for the potatoes in the caldereta, and a couple of red bell peppers in the fridge served as the green bell pepper. (Why do recipes insist on having special colors of peppers? Red bell peppers and yellow and green and purple and black all taste the same. This pepper racism must stop!) While I was slicing the pepper, the knife gave my knuckle a knick. After checking that I wasn't bleeding into the stew, I finished assembling the ingredients, set the pot to simmering, and then went over to the bathroom to put Bactine on my hand. It was then that I discovered that what I am cooking right now smells exactly like Bactine. It's not a bad smell, it's just oddly... reassuring. Bactine triggers primal memories in space-age humans: My caldereta smells like Mommy's making my boo-boo all right. I'm looking forward to eating this. It'll probably turn out good. And even if it doesn't, I've got more White Castles in the freezer. -- K. Somewhere, there is someone who has a fetish for having sex atop a big squishy mound of White Castles. Please give me her phone number. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's Culinary Experiment. Summary: This should amuse Bill Gates. Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 07:59:58 GMT Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Somewhere, there is someone who has > > a fetish for having sex atop a big > > squishy mound of White Castles. > > Please give me her phone number. > > > kibo, your signatures have been getting more and more alarming lately. > > or am i the only person who's noticed this? I fail to understand your concerns over the nature of my signature. A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT !!!111 ^ L .SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90 11:27:59 PM AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST TIME!! (WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!) AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE NIGHT!! AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!! AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <--- WOW!!!! AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT 2!!! AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW LINE!!!! NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!! AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S DONE!!!! AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!! AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE BEDTIME HUH !!!! AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME REALLY!!!!! AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS !!!! AND 9/8/94 3:57AM FOR ONE LAST TYPO COPYRIGHT (C) COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!! THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE REPORDUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL PROFIT. AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE 13TH !!! & 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO DE MAY-O !!!! I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO MATHEW WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!! AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!! I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ^L THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. ___ /(()\ \__\| THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET. ___ +-----+ /(()\ | VAX | \__\|===+_____+ ^L ____ / \__ |\ / @ \ \ \_______| \ .:|> "Dogs aren't ALLOWED? WAAAAAAH!" \ ##| | \__/ | ####\__/ \ -- Spot / / ## \| / /__________\ \ "On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!" L_JJ \__JJ -- Jerry Garcia S C R A T C H A N D S N I F F to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not schenectady. kibo@prodigy.ibm.COM _________________________________________________ kibo@world.COM@uunet.COM / Kibology / Anything I say is my opinion, kibo@world.BITNET@bitnet.COM is better! / and is the opposite of Xibo's. __________________________/_____________/_____________________________________ "All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan / Bozos use anything but emacs! __________________________________________/___________________________________ Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be... ________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.) _________ I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi mom!_ _____________________________/ Life is silly but should be taken seriously. Some days you / Klods * / TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really. just can't get / for /__________________________________________________ rid of a bomb. / klods / Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 298R ______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________ * Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh???? _____________________________________________________________________________ You're reading my .signature file. / COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!! ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown _____________________________________________________________________________ M E N S A M E M B E R # 1 6 3 0 9 Look for the white pin _____________________________________________________________________________ I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all. My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida! Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career! _____________________________________________________________________________ If it doesn't say PURINA, / / Bart Simpson and Charlie bury it in the yard! / BYTE ME! / Brown are both GIRLS! ________________________/_____________________/______________________________ THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO WITHOUT MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF. _____________________________________________________________________________D || _______________________________________________________________________ ||I || || || ||S || ||------> I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!! <------|| ||C ++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L || ||------> BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!! <------|| ||A || ||------> ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!! <------|| ||I || ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M ||_________________________________________________________________________||E _____________________________________________________________________________R "BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown / QUAIL SUCKS __________________________________________________________/__________________ / Orwell was an optimist. / "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka ________________________/____________________________________________________ Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW! _____________________________________________________________________________ All generalizations stink. / Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! / Ollie for prez ___________________________/_______________________________/_________________ DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! / What's fahefergnugen? / QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! ! _______________________/__________________________/__________________________ "The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman _____________________________________________________________________________ If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. ________________________________________________ ____________________________/ "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years" I hope you're enjoying / I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13, reading this posting... / send presents! The day before Bastille Day! _________________________/___________________________________________________ If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it? _____________________________________________________________________________ Hi Tale@Rpi.Edu! / You are here X / What's Peewee Herman's favorite _________________/___________________/ baseball team? THE EXPOS! Garrison Keillor is my hero / (rec.humor.funny) ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK _____________________________________________________________________________ "SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _____________________________________________________________________________ There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........? _____________________________________________________________________________ Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott. Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all! _____________________________________________________________________________ "I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE / This space intentionally left blank. (THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) / __________________________________/__________________________________________ Elvis lives. / "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON / Hug me _____________/_____________________________________________________/_________ Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction. _____________________________________________________________________________ |\ My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap --- \ ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago ___ / to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow! __|/_________________________________________________________________________ | "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our | | hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead!| |___________________________________________________________________________| Can I have a cookie? / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the _____________________/ National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA). I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF /________________________________________________________ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records" for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of postcards at the below address: Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA) Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week! THIS IS NOT A SCAM! This service is FREE! Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART [murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"] | ^ | ^ This is fun to read even if you haven't v v v | seen the series. I like my chart, and [David [That FBI guy] ["J.R."] I've never seen the show! Lynch] ^ ^ / | | v [donuts] [Bobby in [the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"] = the shower] ^ ^ [sex] | | | /->[Monty Python's Flying Circles] v [bag [lumber- /->[Ted Bundy] ladies] jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy] ^ | ^ \->[Children] | v | [the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet] evil twin] | v And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor. [alt.tv.twin.peeks] ^ ^ | ^ / | v | [Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts] [drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs] | \______________________________________/ ^ v | [Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic [the log lady] ^ lights] (here too!) | [walk with fire me]---> ^ ^ [Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee] | | | [Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos] ["Bob"] [Dilbert]-->[Dogbert] | | \ v v >[neckties]->[sexual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron Howard] _____________________________________________________________________________ My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is / VOTE NIXON / The SubGenius "The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard! / IN 1992 / must wear slacks! _________________________________________/______________/____________________ Best Skeleton Joke Ever: "What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-) _____________________________________________________________________________ I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me! _____________________________________________________________________________ "The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan / I'm a lumberjack... _____________________________________________________/_______________________ I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop! _____________________________________________________________________________ MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD! I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ AMIGA ONLY! \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ ___ \\\\\\\\\\ /. .\ \\\\\\\\\\ |\_/| \\\\\\\\\\ \___/ \\\\\\\\\\ /####\ /######\ ### /##### /######\ \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ////////###### ## ## ## ### ## ### ######## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// ## ## ## ## ## ### \##### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// \\\\\\\\\\ //////// /##### ### ### #####\ ### ### \\\\\\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## GRAFIX \\\\\\\//////// ## ### ## ## ######\ ## ## \\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## WIZARD \\\//////// \##### \#######/ ## ## \#####/ _____________________________________________________________________________ _______________ | __ _ ____ / \ |\/\/\/| r | |\\ | | \ / ,__\ AIR SUPPLY | "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a | ||\\ | |_/ \ | _ _ | | man!" / | ' | d | || \\ | | \ \\ | | |\ |\ | \ / \_______________/ | \___/ i | ||__\\ \ \\ | | |/ |/ | | | | c d | ||___\\ \ \\ \_/ | | |__ | a u | || \\ \\__// | | | as seen on BART l d | \__/ FOX! SIMPSON e | THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!! _____________________________________|_______________________________________ ^L ^L # # #### # # # ##### ###### # # # ,, # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### # #\__/# # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # #### #### # # ###### ## # # #### # # ###### #### ## # # # # # oo # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # ##### # # ## ###### # # #\__/# # ## # # # # ## # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # ###### ###### #### # # ###### #### ## HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS! ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the length of this .signature's physical size. I cant think of anything more to add! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] ***** ___ ___ _________ * / \ / \ | _______ | * | V | | | * * | | HELP ME NAME MY * \ / | |_____| | APPLE SE/30 WITH * \ / | === | 40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE * \ / |_________| ***** v ||||||||| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |\ ---*-- | \ TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL LAWYER!!! -""" \__| \ / : Qld : TAS \ / :........ \ ' SA : AA :.......*| x = Schenectady NY USA \ : * :NSW / \* :/""""""\`..x */ ----' VIC\ *`./ """" \"""/ NT\*/ Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!) +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | S T O P C A S T I N G P O R O S I T Y | +____________________________________________________________________________+ Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs? ============================================================================= I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag! Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though, I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal. _____________________________________________________________________________ Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." ___________________/_________________________________________________________ "We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around." -- Tom Brokaw _____________________________________________________________________________ "OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT / "Married With Children" is the best GET A LIFE / TV show ever! Ted is the greatest! _____________________________________/_______________________________________ Fly KLM! / Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating? __________/____ Really!______________________________________________________ Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6) _____________________________________________________________________________ Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! / NO FATE ________________________________________________________/ I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost / KNOW FUTURE went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/ _____________________________________________________/ NO DOGS ALLOWED "NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD / "The Stevemeisterooski!" / ________________________/__________________________/_________POOR SPOT______ "If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be EDUCATIONAL, like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and EXTRAORDINARILY ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE... with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE, DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child **************************(.signature continued)******************************* HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK *************************************************************************** * * * * * * * * * * ** W*T T*W*T T*WT ** * W*T*F M*T* *F * F M* *F M * * T* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * M * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * ** * M S*S SS S*S S*S * * * * * S * * ^Labor Day ^Sep 14 ^Sep 28 * * * * * * * * 240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000*************************************************** WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!! ******************************************************************************* MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high- mindedness out. There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken. "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. You are here ------> * But you're not all there. Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. A clairvoyant is a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary. In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol _______________________________________________________________________________ THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE! PHILLY EX 2 IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!! .--------------. .---' o . `---. .-' . O . . `-. .-' @@@@@@ . `-. .'@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ . `. .'@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ `. /@@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ O \ / @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@ @@ . \ /@ o @@@@@@@@@@@ . @@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@ \ /@@@ . @@@@@@ o @ @@@@@.@@.@@@@ o @@@@ \ /@@@@@ @ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@ \ |@@@@@ O `.-./ . . @@@@\__/@@@@@ @@@ | / @@@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ . \ Full Moon + |@ @@@@ . @ @ ` @ @@ . @@@@@@ | 0 5:15:36 | @@ o @@ . @@@@@@ | Last Quarter - | . @ @ @ o @@ o @@@@@@. | 7 3:55:27 \ @ @ @ .-. @@@@ @@@ / | @ @ @ `-' . @@@@ . . | \ . o @ @@@@ . @@ . . / \ @@@ @@@@@@ . o / \ @@@@@ @@\@@ / O . / \ o @@@ \ \ / __ . . .--. / \ . . \.-.--- `--' / `. `-' . .' `. o / | ` O . .' `-. / | o .-' `-. . . .-' `---. . .---' `--------------' I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^L ____|||||/// / |||||//// TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11 / __ || //// | L| : === "Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER | | __ : ___ =|= (a personal friend) | (_) :/__) | |/ | \| <--- THE TERMINATOR | .\ | \ \ \ : / I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES | HHH--- | THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11 \____:___/ "THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP "HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!" -- DILBERT "THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER" ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;:::::::::::::: My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ STAR TREK RULEZ!!! ________^_______ ============= - - - - - - - - - \______ _____/\ / / - - - - - - - Write-in to Paramount V \ \_____/__/_ - - - - WHOOSH! - - - to keep them from killing Spock )|US ENTERPRISE/ - - - - - - - in their next movie!!!! |____________/ - - - - - - - - - - TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES 10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 9) "Dammit Jim!" 8) "Spit it out, man!" 7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!" 6) "Where's the beef?" 5) "They're BORN pregnant!" 4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed." ** send mail if you want the rest ** Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner. The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good. SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP! ------------------------------------=----------------------------------------- I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it. -----------------------------------=---------------------------------------------- There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being an alien, a government agent, a sexual pervert, or the camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ I watch Nick at Nite all day! Xibo watches stupid soap operas! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by William S. Burroughs. See--->?) / \/\/. \. Burroughs / I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2, 5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each. I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each! /\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\ _________ / \ | | \__\ /__/ --| |-- -| |- /| |\ /////\\\\\\ NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!! | _ \ / UU __ ==/ \ /\__o | *|__\__/ /_ \_ "boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** My ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** name ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** is ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** short ***** *************** ***** *************** ***** 'cause ***** **************** ***** **************** ***** it's ***** ***************** ***** ***************** ***** only ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ****** ***** four ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** letters! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!! V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex: Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf, vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua, Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba? -- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff" TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)" _____________________________________________________________________________ R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW! ^L O (.|.) ).( TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD! WOO WOO!!!! HUBBA HUBBA! YOW! ( | ) \|/ ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. _____________________________________________________________________________ "100% gist-free!" -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature. Compliment... or CONSPIRACY? ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy, Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo. ____________________ / \ / \ ^______________/ __ __ \______________^ \ | / \ / \ | / \ | | o | | o | | / \ | \__/__ \__/ | / \ | / \ | / \ | \__/ | / BO- \____| __________ |____/ -ZO | / ________ \ | \ | / ______ \ | / \ |/_/ \_\| / \____________________/ | | \ | / \----+-----/ | | | /\ / \ / \ _____________/ \____________ (clown shoes) ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature. Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay? _____________________________________________________________________________ THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLY- POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY, ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM, PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET, GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************************************** * NEW drawing! * * of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow! * * * * ___ * * /\/ / ====@==== ///////// --------- * / _/ ``________// * * / / `------' ------------- * / / * * __===__ / / * */ \/----+---------------------------------------\______ * *| | XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!! \______________* *| | /~~~~~~~~ * *\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \_ * * \ \ NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!! * * \ \ * * \/\_\ * * ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!* ****************************************************************************** aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes. kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo. kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF! / I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! / HI MARK! ____________________________/____________________________________/___________ If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak! But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour! Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny because it doesn't make any sense!!! JAY LENO ROCKS!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"! Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"? RM, DELETE(1,C) AIX Commands Reference RM, DELETE(1,C) PURPOSE Removes files or directories. SYNTAX one of +--------+ +------------+ | rm |---| +----+ |--- file ---| | delete | +---| -f |---+ ^ | +--------+ ^ | -i | | +--------+ | | -r | | | | -- | | | | -s | | | +----+ | +--------+ ____________________________________________________ \o clip and save _______ /O <--those are scissors .------------ .--' o . . `-- .-' . O . . ` .-'@ @@@@@@@ . @@@@@ /@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for it ./ o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ at the Boston Science Museum! /@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@. @@@@@@@ O /@@@@ . @@@@@@@o @@@@@@@@@@ @ |@@@@@ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@ o @@ /@@@@@ O `.-./ . @@@@@@@@@@@@ @ Full Moon + | @@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@ @@@@ 2 17:08:58 |@ @@@ ` o . @@ . @@@@@@ Last Quarter - | @@ @ .-. @@@ @@@@@@ 4 16:02:05 \ . @ @@@ `-' . @@@@ @@@@ | @@ @@@@@ . @@ . \ @@@@ @\@@ / . O . o \ o @@ \ \ / . . `\ . .\.-.___ . . .- \ `-' `- `-. o / | o O . `-. / . . . `--. . .-- `------------ If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!! @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ .....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley..... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -------\__/ | * / |_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME! AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY! ^L 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!! ^L ^L ^L ^D ^D ^D . exit stop bye ^C ^Z !sh !ed /exit quit q /quit ~x help help stop !help logout $signoff write sysop "how do i stop this ???" psot post ^P^O^S^T this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be #350. THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY .SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the edn P.S.: ---------- From mathew@mantis.co.uk Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991 To: James 'Kibo' Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration From: Industrial Poet (mathew@mantis.co.uk) Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK. Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature: "It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame. The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small." - Mark-Jason Dominus (mjd@central.cis.upenn.edu) mathew ---------- -- -- From stev0@sti.com Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992 Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT From: Steve Berlin (stev0@sti.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: your .sig Hi there. Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord, but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies, can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No! But I digress. Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers. I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents. Suggestions for index: 1) Append it to the end of the .sig 2) Include it as a seperate file 3) Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy or (my favorite): append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and watch Ren and Stimpy. - Stev0 13, Rot - 610-623 Address - 55-58 Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533 Child, Dying - 155-174 Copyright - 86-88 Credits - 19,20 Dedication - 781-783 Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790 Drawings, ASCII: Bozo - 644-670 Brain - 28-37 Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556 Check, Amiga - 223-243 Dog - 40-48 Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695 Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253 Sword - 692-709 Terminator - 478-489 unknown (command flow?) 736-744 unknown (computer?) 293-300 End, The - 775-780, 831 Favorites: Author - 77-81 Font - 144-146 Heavy Metal Band - 245-253 Movie - 137-138 Movie - 478-489 Painters - 641-643 Quotes - 388-440 Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511 SF Short Story - 207-208 Skeleton Joke - 210 Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638 Font, BUA - 257-273 Font, Biggest UA - 559-609 GIF, R-Rated - 626-635 History - 2-16 Line 350 - 828 Manuals, MTS - 535-537 Map, Australia - 308-320 Map, Massachusetts - 785-788 Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771 Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362 Peeks, Twin - 176-205 Phobias - 712-716 Posts Made, Number of - 364-386 Quitting Attempts - 794-825 Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348, 490-497, 514-525, 723-734 Scissors - 745-746 Score, Tetris - 220 Smilies - 303-305 Space, Blank - 280-291 Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674 ==== GEEK CODE: +++ ++ - ++++ - --- --- - + - +++ -- ++++ -- + --- + +++++ +++ - ++ nil nil nil Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth! --------- In article (13bvonINN6il@darkstar.UCSC.EDU) carolo@cse.ucsc.edu signed: >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Carol Osterbrock * Life is too short for 4 line .sigs >carolo@cse.ucsc.edu * -- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should have >============================================================================== ---------- UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature so I did. Join the LPF! RMS is cool. SEE BATMAN 2 !!!! -- I HAVE A BLACK BELT ! IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS -- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Tonight's Quadruple Feature! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 30 Sep 1999 07:15:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen! The doors are now locked, and the emergency exits are guarded by death robots! The bathrooms have been sealed and pumped full of cement! Sit back, relax, and be forced to enjoy the show! Prepare to be on the edge of your seat for the next six hours! First up is "Baby's Day Out"! Watch as a baby crawls through incredibly dangerous places high above the big city, oblivious to his potential imminent demise! It's funny because the baby doesn't KNOW he could fall off that ledge! Oh, yeah, and there are jewel thieves or something in it too, because it's just like "Home Alone", except because the kid's a baby he can't hit the bad guys over the head with heavy objects, so they have to beat themselves up. That just makes it funnier! Be glad that at last you are seeing this comedic masterpiece which ended the career of the legendary John Hughes! Next, we segue into "Baby Geniuses"! Aimed at a distinctly older mindset than "Baby's Day Out", "Baby Geniuses" is an action-adventure-romantic-comedy with an all-toddler cast! And as if that isn't enough, they all have scary computer-animated talking lips just like that pig in "Babe"! You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll wonder why the talking toddlers look less realistic than the talking pig! You'll be amazed at the way the toddlers turn into marionettes for the dancing scenes where invisible hands are yanking the toddlers' arms and legs around spastically! (It's not child abuse if they smile, and those computerized lips just keep on smilin'!) But wait! There's more! The supporting cast of grownups -- with their own lips -- includes Dom DeLuise, Nichelle Nichols, and Kim Cattral! See toddlers with fake lips and invisible hands holding them up act circles around Kim Cattral! Oh, baby! I mean, oh, toddler! After "Baby's Day Out" and "Baby Geniuses", it's perfectly logical that "Bugsy Malone" should come next! Not to be confused with that OTHER movie named "Bugsy", "Bugsy Malone" is a mob picture with exciting musical numbers -- and an all pre-pubescent cast headed by young Scott Baio and little Jodie Foster! Directed by the great Allan Parker (best known for the all-enema comedy "The Road To Wellville") it's an all-singing, all-dancing musical festival punctuated by kids shooting each other! And driving little thirties-style cars powered by foot pedals! (Take that, "Flintstones"! These cars got PEDALS!) See the kids rubbing each other out with "splurge guns", which are big Tommy guns that shoot wads of white goo that hardens into cement! (From an idea by Sigmund Freud!) Watch little Jodie Foster and see if you can spot the scene that drove John Hinkley insane! And for the perfect capper on a perfect evening, from "Bugsy Malone" we go to the all-grownup mob movie, "Mad Dog Time"! Do you like scenes where a mobster behind a desk talks to another mobster, and then one of them shoots another? Well, this movie has twenty of them! They figured out what ONE scene would be the perfect essence of mob movies, and then they filmed it twenty times! Every single scene in the movie is exactly like this: MOBSTER #1 You don't got the balls to shoot me! MOBSTER #2 I do got the balls! MOBSTER #1 You don't got no balls! MOBSTER #2 Do too got balls! MOBSTER #1 No balls! MOBSTER #2 Balls! MOBSTER #1 No no no no no! MOBSTER #2 Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! MOBSTER #1 NoNoNoNoNoNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! MOBSTER #2 BallsBallsBallsBalBalBalBaBaBaBBBBBB!!!!!! (THE CAMERA BEGINS CUTTING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THEM FIFTY TIMES A SECOND, WHICH IS ESPECIALLY IMPRESSIVE WHEN YOU REALIZE FILM DOESN'T HAVE THAT MANY FRAMES PER SECOND. ONE OF THE MOBSTERS SHOOTS THE OTHER, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHICH. REPEAT.) But that awesome cinematic technique isn't why this movie is in our special film festival, oh no! And I mean OH NO! This isn't just a mob movie! And it isn't even just an incredibly repetitious mob movie! It's a mob movie that takes place in OUTER SPACE! It's a mob movie with "Space: 1999" stock footage pasted in FOR NO REASON! There has never before been a movie like "Mad Dog Time"! God may never permit the existence of such a movie again! This is why all right-thinking citizens are just now successfully completing viewing this incredible film festival! It is your patriotic duty to sit through these four movies because this is AMERICA, DAMMIT, and in America we have the right to watch movies that are so bad they would be suppressed in any evil country, so it is incumbent upon us to watch them to exercise our Constitutional freedoms, because if we do not exercise our freedoms they will shrivel up and blow away, and then we won't be allowed to watch these movies ever again! This is why the doors are not only locked, but all the movies have been spliced together into an endless loop! Hang on to the edge of your seat and ladies and gentlemen, I give you... "Baby's Day Out"! Again! -- K. This is why I would not be a good Blockbuster employee. "Hey, I tried to rent 'Titanic' but when I got home, I found that someone had taped 'Invasion From The Inner Earth' over it!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY; from Cornell to FSU Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 06:52:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Carl Sagan has a role in the Atom Totality theory. [...] > Sagan was close to the idea of a Atom Totality theory, but > failed to make the hurdle. And it was Sagan's book of COSMOS > that helped, that facilitated my mind into jumping that hurdle. Ladies and gentlemen, at last I believe we have discovered why Archimedes Plutonium has always insisted that he was not a 'dishwasher' but a 'pot-washer'. > And as I so often mentioned in many of my posts, that the Atom > Totality theory was discovered by me in Nov 1990 and not before, > because if it had been discovered before, then that discoverer > would have attempted to figure out or to say what chemical element > the universe was. And that would be bad. > In Nov 1990, I discovered the Atom Totality theory > and upon the basis of several facts, I concluded the universe was > one big atom of plutonium. > So, I owe some debt to Carl Sagan for giving us such an excellent > book on astronomy but also for facilitating my mind into the > discovery of the Atom Totality theory. > > I reach the bus station in Ithaca. ALL HAIL ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, KING OF THE NON-SEQUITUR! (cue Carl Sagan:) "As we pass beyond the shores of the cosmic ocean our imaginary spaceship of thought enters the realm of the great Bus Station Of Ithaca in the constellation of Cayuga, which, untold aeons ago, was the birthplace of a human writer named Rod Serling..." (swish-pan over to Rod Serling:) "Portrait of one Doctor Carl Sagan. Scientist. And an enjoyer of the heady pleasures of... mari-joo-ania. A man who will discover that if you dance with the devil's weed you'll live in... The Plutonium Atom Totality Zone. We'll return to this sordid tale of the evils of mari-joo-ania after this word from Chesterfield cigarettes." (there is an explosion and Jack Webb steps out of the smoke cloud:) "Chesterfields. Buy'em. They're not made by Commies. Like 'reefer'. Also called 'zombie weed'. Kids smoke it. They say it makes 'em 'high'. Listen up, smoke that and you'll get so high you'd never come down. So smoke Chesterfields. Now here's Carl." (Carl Sagan:) "These vast swirls of smoke surrounding my head offer us a simple way to visualize the curved nature of space-time. Imagine what could have happened if Leonardo da Vinci had access to such high-quality pot. In just a few short millennia, humankid could be exploring the stars in their perfectl dodecahedral-shaped starships powered by the release of nature's most fundamental force, the breaking of myriads of chemical bonds as a match touches a joint." (Graham Chapman:) "All right, stop that! It started out as a pleasant riff on the concept of the non-sequitur by way of some lame celebrity caricatures. But we've gotten away from the subject at hand: Science. And science has nothing to do with smokables, illegal or not. Right, now, upon the command, you are to stop these celebrity pastiches and-- (screen goes black and we hear Terry Gilliam making kissing noises for a while.) > Now, I had it in mind to go to Philadelphia to see the site of > Ben Franklin who we can say is the "first" US (I hate the term > American because there are two continents) scientist. I can > reasonably say that Ben Franklin is the first noteworthy > US scientist. In fact, much of my USA Mission tour and European > tour follows the framework of the history as seen in THE > MECHANICAL UNIVERSE series. So Philadelphia is a major stop > for this tour mission. And I had no idea whatsoever, nor any > desire to go to New York City. But, I was forced to go to NYC > to get to Philadelphia from Ithaca. Superdeterminism is wonderful! Plutonium Barbie: "Superdeterminism is HARD!" > It is a good thing that I was forced to carry those two books > on pragmatism because as you read below, the reasons for > having to carry those books and to see NYC then Philadelphia > will become clear. I think Congress should pass a law that Archimedes Plutonium be forced to carry MANY science books. In his mouth. And for purposes of this discussion, the entire Encyclopedia Britannica will count as a science book. As will any books that taste really bad. > From Ithaca New York, depart at 3:20 pm arrive in NYC at 8:30pm > Then catch a NYC bus to Philly. > > I had by this time become Greyhound bus-itized. Archimedes-Plutonium inspired surrealist techno-rave band name #39: BECOME BUS-ITIZED! > Meaning I found a way to sleep on buses. Hopefully in he same way Snoopy sleeps on his doghouse. > This is of a great advantage in taking this tour by Greyhound is > that once you become accustomed to sleeping on buses, then the > transportation becomes one big sleep. Especially for the people reading about it. > If I had travelled by car, then the travel time could never > equal sleep time. How do you know? You haven't done the experiment. (And you call yourself a scientist!) Run right out and drive across the country while asleep, then get back to us. > Another advantage of Greyhound over airplane is that the bus usually > takes you into the very heart of the city whereas airports dump you > off about 30 or 40 miles from the city. > > So I slept most of the way to NYC, and when I awoke I was near > NYC. It was odd seeing a high school football game far below > the expressway, and that at one stretch of the expressway, looking > down was scary, and scary to know that the vehicles were so high > in the air. Psychedelic reggae band name #40: ARCHIE SEES HIS FIRST BRIDGE > Then saw the Empire State building at night. And thought to > myself, I bet NYC is prettier at night than in daytime. I was > originally going to only step outside the bus station at Port > Authority to look at whatever tall buildings I could see and > then board the next bus to Philly, but as I got outside and > saw the Chrysler bldg at night and talking with a gentleman > about the Empire State Bldg, found out that it's a bad idea for people to talk to strangers in mid-town Manhattan while staring up at the skyscrapers and wearing a homemade cape, even if they're as smart as the King of Science. > I could go up that building and see the entire NYC at night. And you could get the whole building for free by buying one little bridge! > So I had a choice, go on to Philly or see more of NYC. I decided > to see more. SEYMOUR, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! (cue Leslie Nielsen) > And it cost $6.00 to view NYC from the top of Empire State Building. Hooray to Archimedes Plutonium for being the first scientist to discover how much it costs to pay admission to a major tourist attraction! > There was a gold-dome-shape building that caught my eye, and I > have found the experience that whenever you ask others whose > building that is, they usually do not know. Someone said it was > the MetroLife building. Then of course there was the Chrysler > building and that is my favorite. Looking out I could see the > Statue of Liberty and how small it was compared to the tall > buildings. And the wind was so fierce up there that I had to put > on my goretex North Face coat. And several people going up > and coming down recognized me, There are lots of crazy people roaming around New York City, and they all know each other. > for there is a large crowd of people who go up the Empire State Building. AND THEY NEVER COME DOWN! > And when I got back to the bus station I gorged-out on pizza > and spaghetti, I'm surprised they let you use their microwave to make your cup'o'spaghetti recipe. Do you have a special recipe for New York Style cup'o'ghetti? (How about Manhattan Style cup'o'ghetti? That would have tomatoes in it.) > I was not in the mood for the bland green peas > lentils. And then in the hallway at Port Authority bus station > I saw a beautiful wall painting done by a artist named Billich. > I am supposing it is Billich because it is hard to read some > signatures. It is a huge painting collage of tall buildings, > bridges and landmarks of NYC. And the thing that stuck out the > most was St. Paul's cathedral. So I had to venture out again > into the streets looking for St. Paul's. I asked several people > and they said they never heard of it, even a police officer > was unsure of its location and told me to dial some number-- > 411?? or something. I think that was "5150" that he was yelling into his radio. > I did not get a chance to see St. Paul, and departed for > Philadelphia. I'm just glad you're getting to see so many public library computer clusters. In no time at all you'll be a bigger expert than Don Saklad. -- K. Maybe you should visit him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: Religion-Science-Odyssey; AP's mission to see the sites of world famous science Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 07:09:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.med, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (from Tallahassee Fl, at FSU library) Thurs, 30Sep99. > > Wow, I hobble into the library and there are more computers > than students. I love this convenience. Arch! You're hobbling! Please tell us you didn't hurt your foot tripping over a clue. > I am sorry that I have not been able to post much in the > past week. This is partly due to the fact of computer > inaccessibility, but mostly due to the fact that I have combined > some personal business as well as the tour-Mission. I believe > the good Lord favors business more than pleasure-seeking or > pleasure feeling, anyway. And to be honest about my feelings, > I find more pleasure, more excitement in business dealings than > I do in pleasure dealings such as seeing Philadelphia for the > first time in my life or the eating of great ice cream in a > Dutch Marketplace Shopping complex in Philadelphia. Whereas the rest of us feel no less pleasure in your business dealings than we do in the fact that you like ice cream. (Arch, what flavor ice cream cone was your latest research?) > The clothing I brung with me on this 1.5 month tour of USA was > a marvellous selection, where even the mosquito netting suit was > used at least 3 times. Um, Arch, that wasn't mosquito netting -- those cops in New York were trying to use a butterfly net on you. > The mosquitos in Florida are huge compared to NH. They must block out the Sun for hours at a time! Maybe you could make Texas into a flyswatter to crush the New Hampshire-sized mosquitoes. Just be sure to get the permission of all the people who live in the states you crush. > But huger yet are the spiders! To me, garden spiders, > those yellow and black bodied ones that web between grasses and > plants, well, in Florida they have tree spiders that web between > trees and are about twice the size of the garden spider. I sure > would hate to get one of these tree spiders in my face at night > walking through the woods here. I have the opposite feeling: I would hate it if you didn't get one in your face. > Anyway, because of personal business, I have done alot of walking > not running because of the heat, and although the clothing I brung > is great, the footwear I brung was a mistake. I brung a pair of > expensive leather boots that I modified by cutting holes into > them for air conditioning. That reminds me, you never explained what you meant when you said you "modified" your spandex downhill skiing suit. Please tell me you didn't air condition your you-know. > My habit is to buy expensive boots such as Raichle and then cut holes > into the leather for more breathing and air. And when people look down > on my footwear and see holes in them, they come to believe I am a pauper > not worth mugging or hassling. Yeah, it fools them into thinking you don't own that private island in the Carribean and an enormous stock portfolio. > So, I am in the library of FSU at the moment, in a "hobbling > state". I thought you said you were in Florida. > I stayed at a hotel last night, The Prince Murat, trying > to cut open some of the water blisters. I have 6 spots on my > left foot and 4 on my right. And are they exactly the same shape as the holes in your boots, by any chance? > If I had taken running shoes like my nike or adidas, I would now > not have this trouble. So, in all future reference from now on, > if I must be on my feet for a long time, take running-shoes. > This I will do when I go to Europe. > > As far as my weight and eating, I have lost some weight but not > enough. The oranges are great, but the lentils and peas out of > bags, although nourishing somehow are not mind-satisfying. And so > near Jacksonville, I could not resist a binge of McDonalds and > had 2 fish sandwiches, fries, cola, and apple pie. When you put > yourself on these bland diets, trouble is that it catches up > with you on some big binge. And now I recall I had another binge > way back in New York City eating pizza and spaghetti. I'm surprised you would eat McDonalds fishwiches given that they don't cook them the way you like your cod. The ones at McDonalds don't explode. > [...more stuff about science omitted...] > > This post is getting too long as is. Too late, I already fixed it. > And will make the next post where I left off at Cornell. > I have to cover the distance and time between Cornell and FSU. Didn't Christo do that with Saran Wrap? > http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/index.html > http://www.newphys.se/elektromagnum/physics/LudwigPlutonium/ By the way, Archie, why do you keep putting stuff about candy and so on in that Swedish Web site's "/physics/" section? Maybe you should check whether they also have a "/candy/" section that any nut can use. -- K. Mmm, candy with any nut. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What is kibology? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 08:05:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lotus Books" (lotusbooks@home.com) wrote: > > I came to this newgroup to try to figure out what the heck it is... but it > didnt really say anywhere. Whoops! The Post-It note stuck to the front of alt.religion.kibology fell off AGAIN. Would someone please bend over and pick it up for me? (I'd do it myself but I'm too tall to bend over.) > Could someone please describe what it is? Gosh, I hope so. -- K. We should change the name of alt.religion.kibology to something self-descriptive, although I don't think the Internet supports newsgroups with 10,000-word names. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The naan bread of DOOM!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 08:27:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Today I bought a pack of two "Spicy Masala Naan Breads" as opposed to Spicy Masala Naan Drinks or Spicy Masala Naan Extrasolar Planets or Spicy Masala Naan Abstract Concepts Of Unimpeachability. Naan's my favorite kind of Indian bread because sometimes when you get fresh naan it looks like a big white football, but then if you stick your fork in it it collapses to a little flat thing, unless there's something about the size of a puppy inside. > to eat with a curry I also bought. Everything seems perfectly innocent > so far, but events were about to take a sinister twist! > > I wasn't sure whether to eat them today or save them for the weekend. I > looked on the packet and it says "best on day of purchase", and below that > it says "best before DEC 99" on a rather old and tatty looking stick-on > label. Not sure which one to believe I decided to eat them tonight. Why not just hide it behind a radiator in the store (so nobody else will buy it) and then buy it in December, 1999? That way it will be PERFECT! Unless it's rancid. > Whilst the curry was cooking (and after struggling to open the nuclear- > blast-proof packaging), I put one naan bread in the oven -- saving the > other for later. (Waits five minutes.) It smelt delicious and I couldn't > wait to eat it, and not wanting to make an extra plate dirty I tore off a > couple of paper towels (DING! DING! DING! HIGHLY FLAMMABLE MATERIAL ALERT!) > to put it on. I reached into the oven (DING! DING! DING! HOT OVENS CAN > MAKE THINGS BURN ALERT!) to remove the naan bread, but it was too hot to > touch with bare hands (DING! DING! DING! HOT FOOD CAN BURN YOUR HANDS > ALERT!), so I used the paper towels. Now here's where the fun begins... Someday I need to get my own TV network so that I can air shows like my masterpiece, "And Then The Fun Begins", in which every episode will be summarized thusly: Fred and Freda sit around darning old socks for three hours, AND THEN THE FUN BEGINS. (Running time: Three hours and one minute.) "And Then The Fun Begins" would air between "Hilarity Ensues" and "TV's Funniest Censored Bloopers," the latter consisting of a black screen that goes "BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP" for an hour. > I grabbed hold of the naan bread, and pulled the it from the oven along > with the now blazing paper towels. I started waving the naan bread and > paper towels around frantically, BALKI: Oh dear cousin, that was not water you have poured on the fire, it was my Myposian 300-proof brandy. LARRY: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!! MYYYYYYYY NAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! (LARRY GRABS THE BURNING NAAN AND WAVES IT AROUND SPASTICALLY.) BALKI: My cousin, I had no idea you knew how to perform The Burning Naan Bread Dance Of Joy! (JUST THEN, A ROBOT ENTERS, HOLDING UP A SIGN SAYING "IT'S JUST LIKE 'I LOVE LUCY' ONLY RICKY RICARDO IS MARRIED TO LATKA GRAVIS." THEN THE ROBOT EXPLODES, DESTROYING THE ENTIRE SITCOM.) I bet that in fifty years I will be the only one to remember most of the sitcoms I've ever seen. Heck, I'm already they only guy who remembers NBC's "seaQuest 2032". Was that a sitcom? > but that only seemed to make them burn more quickly, as did blowing > on them. Just as I went to hurl the naan bread and towels into a > sink full of water, ...FROM THE CUYAHOGA RIVER! *BOOM* > I thought I'd try to rescue the naan bread. So I grabbed hold of > the naan bread with one hand and plunged the other hand, towels and all, > into the water. The fire is out and the day is saved! Yay! Then the smoke alarm went off, causing the laser defense system to lock all the doors with time locks set to open in the year 6000, and your apartment slowly started filling with nerve gas from the bottom to the top and you and Balki had to play "Don't Touch The Floor" until you realized that the only way you could break the nuclear-bulletproof window to escape was to throw your priceless naan through it. Then the two of you hugged as the apartment burned down. And next week the apartment hadn't burned down. > Hey, what's that strange burning sensation? So I throw the hot naan > bread onto the curry and ran my poor burnt fingers under the tap. > But I'd just run a sink full of hot water, so the water in the pipe > was still hot! Yow! > > I then ate my curry and naan bread! Yum! This sounds like one of Archie Plutonium's recipes. "Stuff raw spaghetti into the cod's mouth, then put it in an empty Kleenex box and microwave it for eight hours or until the second time it explodes. Wait for Cherenkov radiation to subside, then eat it with a homemade plastic fork cut from the side of a five-gallon plastic bucket left at your home by a careless pro wrestler who liked maple syrup." > THE END! > > PS This was almost as much fun as the time I electrocuted myself. Was that before or after you died? > But that's another story... IT'S NOT A STORY, IT'S TRUE! Someday I'd like to start a newspaper staffed entirely by the bottom half of the population of any liberal-arts college creative writing workshop. So that all stories would be reported thusly: EDITOR: "This story would be more interesting if you included all six of Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How." REPORTER: "BUT I CAN'T CHANGE IT, IT REALLY HAPPENED!!!" (Half the reporters would be that gal who can't make anything interesting because it really happened, and the other half would be that guy who thinks a description of a setting is the same as a story. Oh, and somewhere there would be that one guy who has written the first 2,000 pages of a Tolkein knockoff, longhand.) -- K. Merle Kessler is on my TV. I gotta go.