Newsgroups: sci.physics,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY; from Cornell to FSU Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 06:52:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Carl Sagan has a role in the Atom Totality theory. [...] > Sagan was close to the idea of a Atom Totality theory, but > failed to make the hurdle. And it was Sagan's book of COSMOS > that helped, that facilitated my mind into jumping that hurdle. Ladies and gentlemen, at last I believe we have discovered why Archimedes Plutonium has always insisted that he was not a 'dishwasher' but a 'pot-washer'. > And as I so often mentioned in many of my posts, that the Atom > Totality theory was discovered by me in Nov 1990 and not before, > because if it had been discovered before, then that discoverer > would have attempted to figure out or to say what chemical element > the universe was. And that would be bad. > In Nov 1990, I discovered the Atom Totality theory > and upon the basis of several facts, I concluded the universe was > one big atom of plutonium. > So, I owe some debt to Carl Sagan for giving us such an excellent > book on astronomy but also for facilitating my mind into the > discovery of the Atom Totality theory. > > I reach the bus station in Ithaca. ALL HAIL ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, KING OF THE NON-SEQUITUR! (cue Carl Sagan:) "As we pass beyond the shores of the cosmic ocean our imaginary spaceship of thought enters the realm of the great Bus Station Of Ithaca in the constellation of Cayuga, which, untold aeons ago, was the birthplace of a human writer named Rod Serling..." (swish-pan over to Rod Serling:) "Portrait of one Doctor Carl Sagan. Scientist. And an enjoyer of the heady pleasures of... mari-joo-ania. A man who will discover that if you dance with the devil's weed you'll live in... The Plutonium Atom Totality Zone. We'll return to this sordid tale of the evils of mari-joo-ania after this word from Chesterfield cigarettes." (there is an explosion and Jack Webb steps out of the smoke cloud:) "Chesterfields. Buy'em. They're not made by Commies. Like 'reefer'. Also called 'zombie weed'. Kids smoke it. They say it makes 'em 'high'. Listen up, smoke that and you'll get so high you'd never come down. So smoke Chesterfields. Now here's Carl." (Carl Sagan:) "These vast swirls of smoke surrounding my head offer us a simple way to visualize the curved nature of space-time. Imagine what could have happened if Leonardo da Vinci had access to such high-quality pot. In just a few short millennia, humankid could be exploring the stars in their perfectl dodecahedral-shaped starships powered by the release of nature's most fundamental force, the breaking of myriads of chemical bonds as a match touches a joint." (Graham Chapman:) "All right, stop that! It started out as a pleasant riff on the concept of the non-sequitur by way of some lame celebrity caricatures. But we've gotten away from the subject at hand: Science. And science has nothing to do with smokables, illegal or not. Right, now, upon the command, you are to stop these celebrity pastiches and-- (screen goes black and we hear Terry Gilliam making kissing noises for a while.) > Now, I had it in mind to go to Philadelphia to see the site of > Ben Franklin who we can say is the "first" US (I hate the term > American because there are two continents) scientist. I can > reasonably say that Ben Franklin is the first noteworthy > US scientist. In fact, much of my USA Mission tour and European > tour follows the framework of the history as seen in THE > MECHANICAL UNIVERSE series. So Philadelphia is a major stop > for this tour mission. And I had no idea whatsoever, nor any > desire to go to New York City. But, I was forced to go to NYC > to get to Philadelphia from Ithaca. Superdeterminism is wonderful! Plutonium Barbie: "Superdeterminism is HARD!" > It is a good thing that I was forced to carry those two books > on pragmatism because as you read below, the reasons for > having to carry those books and to see NYC then Philadelphia > will become clear. I think Congress should pass a law that Archimedes Plutonium be forced to carry MANY science books. In his mouth. And for purposes of this discussion, the entire Encyclopedia Britannica will count as a science book. As will any books that taste really bad. > From Ithaca New York, depart at 3:20 pm arrive in NYC at 8:30pm > Then catch a NYC bus to Philly. > > I had by this time become Greyhound bus-itized. Archimedes-Plutonium inspired surrealist techno-rave band name #39: BECOME BUS-ITIZED! > Meaning I found a way to sleep on buses. Hopefully in he same way Snoopy sleeps on his doghouse. > This is of a great advantage in taking this tour by Greyhound is > that once you become accustomed to sleeping on buses, then the > transportation becomes one big sleep. Especially for the people reading about it. > If I had travelled by car, then the travel time could never > equal sleep time. How do you know? You haven't done the experiment. (And you call yourself a scientist!) Run right out and drive across the country while asleep, then get back to us. > Another advantage of Greyhound over airplane is that the bus usually > takes you into the very heart of the city whereas airports dump you > off about 30 or 40 miles from the city. > > So I slept most of the way to NYC, and when I awoke I was near > NYC. It was odd seeing a high school football game far below > the expressway, and that at one stretch of the expressway, looking > down was scary, and scary to know that the vehicles were so high > in the air. Psychedelic reggae band name #40: ARCHIE SEES HIS FIRST BRIDGE > Then saw the Empire State building at night. And thought to > myself, I bet NYC is prettier at night than in daytime. I was > originally going to only step outside the bus station at Port > Authority to look at whatever tall buildings I could see and > then board the next bus to Philly, but as I got outside and > saw the Chrysler bldg at night and talking with a gentleman > about the Empire State Bldg, found out that it's a bad idea for people to talk to strangers in mid-town Manhattan while staring up at the skyscrapers and wearing a homemade cape, even if they're as smart as the King of Science. > I could go up that building and see the entire NYC at night. And you could get the whole building for free by buying one little bridge! > So I had a choice, go on to Philly or see more of NYC. I decided > to see more. SEYMOUR, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! (cue Leslie Nielsen) > And it cost $6.00 to view NYC from the top of Empire State Building. Hooray to Archimedes Plutonium for being the first scientist to discover how much it costs to pay admission to a major tourist attraction! > There was a gold-dome-shape building that caught my eye, and I > have found the experience that whenever you ask others whose > building that is, they usually do not know. Someone said it was > the MetroLife building. Then of course there was the Chrysler > building and that is my favorite. Looking out I could see the > Statue of Liberty and how small it was compared to the tall > buildings. And the wind was so fierce up there that I had to put > on my goretex North Face coat. And several people going up > and coming down recognized me, There are lots of crazy people roaming around New York City, and they all know each other. > for there is a large crowd of people who go up the Empire State Building. AND THEY NEVER COME DOWN! > And when I got back to the bus station I gorged-out on pizza > and spaghetti, I'm surprised they let you use their microwave to make your cup'o'spaghetti recipe. Do you have a special recipe for New York Style cup'o'ghetti? (How about Manhattan Style cup'o'ghetti? That would have tomatoes in it.) > I was not in the mood for the bland green peas > lentils. And then in the hallway at Port Authority bus station > I saw a beautiful wall painting done by a artist named Billich. > I am supposing it is Billich because it is hard to read some > signatures. It is a huge painting collage of tall buildings, > bridges and landmarks of NYC. And the thing that stuck out the > most was St. Paul's cathedral. So I had to venture out again > into the streets looking for St. Paul's. I asked several people > and they said they never heard of it, even a police officer > was unsure of its location and told me to dial some number-- > 411?? or something. I think that was "5150" that he was yelling into his radio. > I did not get a chance to see St. Paul, and departed for > Philadelphia. I'm just glad you're getting to see so many public library computer clusters. In no time at all you'll be a bigger expert than Don Saklad. -- K. Maybe you should visit him. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.med,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: Religion-Science-Odyssey; AP's mission to see the sites of world famous science Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 07:09:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.med, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (from Tallahassee Fl, at FSU library) Thurs, 30Sep99. > > Wow, I hobble into the library and there are more computers > than students. I love this convenience. Arch! You're hobbling! Please tell us you didn't hurt your foot tripping over a clue. > I am sorry that I have not been able to post much in the > past week. This is partly due to the fact of computer > inaccessibility, but mostly due to the fact that I have combined > some personal business as well as the tour-Mission. I believe > the good Lord favors business more than pleasure-seeking or > pleasure feeling, anyway. And to be honest about my feelings, > I find more pleasure, more excitement in business dealings than > I do in pleasure dealings such as seeing Philadelphia for the > first time in my life or the eating of great ice cream in a > Dutch Marketplace Shopping complex in Philadelphia. Whereas the rest of us feel no less pleasure in your business dealings than we do in the fact that you like ice cream. (Arch, what flavor ice cream cone was your latest research?) > The clothing I brung with me on this 1.5 month tour of USA was > a marvellous selection, where even the mosquito netting suit was > used at least 3 times. Um, Arch, that wasn't mosquito netting -- those cops in New York were trying to use a butterfly net on you. > The mosquitos in Florida are huge compared to NH. They must block out the Sun for hours at a time! Maybe you could make Texas into a flyswatter to crush the New Hampshire-sized mosquitoes. Just be sure to get the permission of all the people who live in the states you crush. > But huger yet are the spiders! To me, garden spiders, > those yellow and black bodied ones that web between grasses and > plants, well, in Florida they have tree spiders that web between > trees and are about twice the size of the garden spider. I sure > would hate to get one of these tree spiders in my face at night > walking through the woods here. I have the opposite feeling: I would hate it if you didn't get one in your face. > Anyway, because of personal business, I have done alot of walking > not running because of the heat, and although the clothing I brung > is great, the footwear I brung was a mistake. I brung a pair of > expensive leather boots that I modified by cutting holes into > them for air conditioning. That reminds me, you never explained what you meant when you said you "modified" your spandex downhill skiing suit. Please tell me you didn't air condition your you-know. > My habit is to buy expensive boots such as Raichle and then cut holes > into the leather for more breathing and air. And when people look down > on my footwear and see holes in them, they come to believe I am a pauper > not worth mugging or hassling. Yeah, it fools them into thinking you don't own that private island in the Carribean and an enormous stock portfolio. > So, I am in the library of FSU at the moment, in a "hobbling > state". I thought you said you were in Florida. > I stayed at a hotel last night, The Prince Murat, trying > to cut open some of the water blisters. I have 6 spots on my > left foot and 4 on my right. And are they exactly the same shape as the holes in your boots, by any chance? > If I had taken running shoes like my nike or adidas, I would now > not have this trouble. So, in all future reference from now on, > if I must be on my feet for a long time, take running-shoes. > This I will do when I go to Europe. > > As far as my weight and eating, I have lost some weight but not > enough. The oranges are great, but the lentils and peas out of > bags, although nourishing somehow are not mind-satisfying. And so > near Jacksonville, I could not resist a binge of McDonalds and > had 2 fish sandwiches, fries, cola, and apple pie. When you put > yourself on these bland diets, trouble is that it catches up > with you on some big binge. And now I recall I had another binge > way back in New York City eating pizza and spaghetti. I'm surprised you would eat McDonalds fishwiches given that they don't cook them the way you like your cod. The ones at McDonalds don't explode. > [...more stuff about science omitted...] > > This post is getting too long as is. Too late, I already fixed it. > And will make the next post where I left off at Cornell. > I have to cover the distance and time between Cornell and FSU. Didn't Christo do that with Saran Wrap? > http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/index.html > http://www.newphys.se/elektromagnum/physics/LudwigPlutonium/ By the way, Archie, why do you keep putting stuff about candy and so on in that Swedish Web site's "/physics/" section? Maybe you should check whether they also have a "/candy/" section that any nut can use. -- K. Mmm, candy with any nut. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's Culinary Experiment. Summary: This should amuse Bill Gates. Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 07:59:58 GMT Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Somewhere, there is someone who has > > a fetish for having sex atop a big > > squishy mound of White Castles. > > Please give me her phone number. > > > kibo, your signatures have been getting more and more alarming lately. > > or am i the only person who's noticed this? I fail to understand your concerns over the nature of my signature. A REALLY NEAT .SIGNATURE FOLLOWS, PRESS "NO" IF YOU DONT WANT TO SEE IT !!!111 ^ L .SIGNATURE UNDER CONSTRUCTION....... LAST REVISED 5/12/1990 11:02:32 PM AND ALSO LAST REVISED 5/22/90 11:27:59 PM AND 8/22/1990 10:03:16 PM TOO AND 8/25/90 01:57:08 PM AND 11/11/90 12:35:53 AM <-- LAST TIME!! (WOW, FOUR 1'S IN A ROW!!!!) AND 7/8/91 2:06:03 AM <-- LATE NIGHT!! AND 9/6/91 2:51:26AM <--- LATER!!! AND 2/9/91^H^H92 4:25:43AM <--- WOW!!!! AND 7/8/92 1:58:59AM <-- CALL IT 2!!! AND 7/31/92 1:27:49AM <-- JUST FOR ONE NEW LINE!!!! NOT COUNTING THE ABOVE ONE OF COURSE!!!!!!!! AND 12:58:53 9/11/92 FOR ONE MORE!!! NOW IT'S DONE!!!! AND 9/25/92 1:24:33AM <-- AGAIN!!! AND 9.29.92 2L37L48AM AND 10/6/92 3:18:31AM <-- LATE BEDTIME HUH !!!! AND 3/8/93 2:23:38AM <--- LAST TIME REALLY!!!!! AND 4/5/94 9:00:58AM ! I STAYED UP ALL NIGHT FIXING ALL THE TYPOS !!!! AND 9/8/94 3:57AM FOR ONE LAST TYPO COPYRIGHT (C) COPYR.1988,1990,1989,1992,1993,1994 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED TODOS LOS DERECHOS RESERVADOS!!! THIS POSTING MAY NOT BE REPORDUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION OR SOLD FOR MONETARY FINANCIAL PROFIT. AND 6/13/92 3:45:26PM <-- FRI THE 13TH !!! & 5/5/94 4:52AM <-- CINCO DE MAY-O !!!! I WROTE IT ALL BY MYSELF BUT THANKS TO MARK AND JASON DOMINUS, AND TO MATHEW WHOSE LAST NAME I FORGOT!!! AND ALL THOSE AUSSIES NAMED "IAIN"!!! I DIDN'T MAKE ANY SPELLING ERRERS SO YOU CAN'T POST THIS SIGNATURE TO ALT.FAN.WARLORD!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ^L THIS IS YOUR BRAIN. ___ /(()\ \__\| THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON THE INTERNET. ___ +-----+ /(()\ | VAX | \__\|===+_____+ ^L ____ / \__ |\ / @ \ \ \_______| \ .:|> "Dogs aren't ALLOWED? WAAAAAAH!" \ ##| | \__/ | ####\__/ \ -- Spot / / ## \| / /__________\ \ "On Usenet nobody knows you're a god!" L_JJ \__JJ -- Jerry Garcia S C R A T C H A N D S N I F F to enjoy the aromatic aroma of beautiful downtown schenectady !!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ james "kibo" parry, at an undisclosed location in a major city (not schenectady. kibo@prodigy.ibm.COM _________________________________________________ kibo@world.COM@uunet.COM / Kibology / Anything I say is my opinion, kibo@world.BITNET@bitnet.COM is better! / and is the opposite of Xibo's. __________________________/_____________/_____________________________________ "All colors are arbitrary." --Carl Sagan / Bozos use anything but emacs! __________________________________________/___________________________________ Wacky, wild, Kibo style! / You're allowed. (Unless you don't want to be... ________________________/_ you are also allowed to not be allowed.) _________ I never said I wasn't a bozo. /____________________________________/_Hi mom!_ _____________________________/ Life is silly but should be taken seriously. Some days you / Klods * / TV is evil and should be destroyed. Really. just can't get / for /__________________________________________________ rid of a bomb. / klods / Moisten needle before inserting Taiwan. / 298R ______________/_________/__________________________________________/_________ * Note: "Klods for Klods" is the motto of Lego(tm) blocks in Lego's native Denmark, where they speak Danish. It means "Block by block". Neat, huh???? _____________________________________________________________________________ You're reading my .signature file. / COMMODORE 64S RULE THE WORLD !!!!!!!!! ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "I'm Bozo, the world's most famous clown!" -- the world's most famous clown _____________________________________________________________________________ M E N S A M E M B E R # 1 6 3 0 9 Look for the white pin _____________________________________________________________________________ I've read all of Kurt Vonnegut Junior's books and my favorite is "Breakfast Of Champions", my second favorite is "Chariots Of The Gods". I love them all. My other favorite author is Philip K. Dick who wrote "Do Androids Dream Of Sheep?", "Clams Of The Alphane Moon", "OBIK", "Man In The Castle", and "Total Recall"! Oh, and Stephen King is absolutely the best too! And Derrida! Read "The Fountain Head" by Ann Rand--it could change your career! _____________________________________________________________________________ If it doesn't say PURINA, / / Bart Simpson and Charlie bury it in the yard! / BYTE ME! / Brown are both GIRLS! ________________________/_____________________/______________________________ THIS ENTIRE MESSAGE IS COPYRIGHTED (C)1989/90 MCMLXXXIX/MCMLXL BY JAMES "KIBO" PARRY AND MAY NOT BE REPRODUCED, SOLD, READ, PRINTED, OR REPLIED TO WITHOUT MY EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. HE IS SERIOUS AND WILL SUE YOUR PANTS OFF. _____________________________________________________________________________D || _______________________________________________________________________ ||I || || || ||S || ||------> I'M NOT BIFF !!!!!! HE'S NOT ME !!!!!!! <------|| ||C ++-++-------------------------------------------------------------------++-+|L || ||------> BIFF IS TOO OBNOXIOUS TO BE ME !!!!!!!! <------|| ||A || ||------> ALSO HIS .SIGNATURE IS LONGER !!!!!!!!! <------|| ||I || ||___________________________________________________________________|| ||M ||_________________________________________________________________________||E _____________________________________________________________________________R "BOZE NOSE BOOKS!" -- Bozo, The World's Most Famous Clown / QUAIL SUCKS __________________________________________________________/__________________ / Orwell was an optimist. / "There is infinite hope, but not for us." - Kafka ________________________/____________________________________________________ Join the Kibo Fan Club! Send lots of money to the address above, RIGHT NOW! _____________________________________________________________________________ All generalizations stink. / Kibology is *NOT* Satanism! / Ollie for prez ___________________________/_______________________________/_________________ DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY! / What's fahefergnugen? / QUAIL STILL SUCKS! ! ! _______________________/__________________________/__________________________ "The secret word is... SIL! Now you all know what to do whenever anybody says the secret word, right? SCREAM REAL LOUD!" -- Pee Wee Herman _____________________________________________________________________________ If I said anything to offend anyone in this message, I'm sorry and didn't mean to hurt your feelings. ________________________________________________ ____________________________/ "Losing our marbles for the last 23 years" I hope you're enjoying / I'm gonna be 24 soon! My birthday is July 13, reading this posting... / send presents! The day before Bastille Day! _________________________/___________________________________________________ If Lambada is the forbidden dance, why did they make a movie about it? _____________________________________________________________________________ Hi Tale@Rpi.Edu! / You are here X / What's Peewee Herman's favorite _________________/___________________/ baseball team? THE EXPOS! Garrison Keillor is my hero / (rec.humor.funny) ___________________________________/_________________________________________ "Beam me up Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!" -- STAR TREK _____________________________________________________________________________ "SIL!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" _____________________________________________________________________________ There's a mouse in my apartment right now while I'm typing this. Isn't that an incredible coincidence! Have you ever been using this bboard while a mouse was in your room. Now I have.........? _____________________________________________________________________________ Anyone who thinks anyone else should be shot should be shot; the NRA is a bunch of bozos just like the Democrats AND Republicans AND Williard Scott. Kill the Fascists and Communists and all the other nuts too. Kill 'em all! _____________________________________________________________________________ "I'm Batman!" -- BATMAN THE MOVIE / This space intentionally left blank. (THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!!!!) / __________________________________/__________________________________________ Elvis lives. / "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay..." --MONTY PYTHON / Hug me _____________/_____________________________________________________/_________ Did I spell anything wrong? If so, please tell me so I can post a correction. _____________________________________________________________________________ |\ My favorite PostScript font is Chicago! Times Roman is just a cheap --- \ ripoff of the real New York. And you don't even have to be in Chicago ___ / to use Chicago! I printed my whole resume in 36pt Chicago Bold Shadow! __|/_________________________________________________________________________ | "Beauty and the Beast" may be cancelled, but it lives on forever in our | | hearts and minds and hearts! It will live forever even though it's dead!| |___________________________________________________________________________| Can I have a cookie? / The Kibology Center is a non-non-profit arm of the _____________________/ National Association for Kibological Awareness(NAKA). I'M 100% FLAMEPROOF /________________________________________________________ %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Harry Graber, age 11, is dying of a fatal disease which will eventually kill him. Before he dies, he would like to be in the "Guinness" Book of "Records" for receiving the most postcards in the mail. Please send him lots of postcards at the below address: Kibo, PO Box 722, Boston MA 02116-0722 (USA) Although he is very ill and only barely clinging to life, he gets thousands of postcards a day from people like you. He writes back, personally, to each and every single one. Amazingly, everyone who writes to Harry recieves a year of good luck afterwards! Mrs. Bertha Briggs of Poughkeepsie, NY recently wrote to Harry and then won the lottery the very next day--AND her dog was cured of cancer! Plus, if you write now, Harry will send you his miracle POSTCARD DIET which will allow you to lose 100 pounds a week! THIS IS NOT A SCAM! This service is FREE! Please enclose $14.95 for postage and handling. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% HANDY "TWIN PEEKS" CHART [murder]<-->[LAURA]<--/-->[Bob]<--["Bob"] | ^ | ^ This is fun to read even if you haven't v v v | seen the series. I like my chart, and [David [That FBI guy] ["J.R."] I've never seen the show! Lynch] ^ ^ / | | v [donuts] [Bobby in [the log lady]<->[flouridation]-->["Eraserheads"] = the shower] ^ ^ [sex] | | | /->[Monty Python's Flying Circles] v [bag [lumber- /->[Ted Bundy] ladies] jacks]<--["RoboJox"]<->[VW]<->[FOX]-->[Al&Peg Bundy] ^ | ^ \->[Children] | v | [the dog-faced boy]-->[Laura's<-/->[the Simpsons]<--[Life in Hell]<--[UseNet] evil twin] | v And remember, the name of the show is a breast metaphor. [alt.tv.twin.peeks] ^ ^ | ^ / | v | [Mike Douglas]=[Douglas firs]-->[breasts] [drumsticks] [rmgroups] /->[logs] | \______________________________________/ ^ v | [Albert]<--/-->[furry white rats]-->[green rats]-->[traffic [the log lady] ^ lights] (here too!) | [walk with fire me]---> ^ ^ [Layland]<-->[Pinky Lee] | | | [Herve Villachaise]<--[tattoos] ["Bob"] [Dilbert]-->[Dogbert] | | \ v v >[neckties]->[sexual arousal]<------>[e-meters]<-------[L. Ron Howard] _____________________________________________________________________________ My favroite sci-fi/fantasy short story is / VOTE NIXON / The SubGenius "The Eye of Argon" by L. Ron Hubbard! / IN 1992 / must wear slacks! _________________________________________/______________/____________________ Best Skeleton Joke Ever: "What do you call fish bones?" "Skele-tuna!" :-) _____________________________________________________________________________ I spell things the way I want, since William Safire is too wimpy to stop me! _____________________________________________________________________________ "The medium is the message!" -- Marshall Mike Luhan / I'm a lumberjack... _____________________________________________________/_______________________ I know the Green Golfball Joke! I'd post it here but BitNet doesn't allow R-rated jokes to be posted here so I won't post it! That's a violation of your unconstitutional rights and you should complain to your sysop! _____________________________________________________________________________ MY TETRIS HIGH SCORE ON MY NINTENDO IS 999,990 -- THAT'S A WORLD RECORD! I HAVE PHOTOS OF THE TV SCREEN TO PROVE IT! THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THOUGH. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\ AMIGA ONLY! \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\ \\\\\\\\\\ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\/ \\\\\\\\\\ ___ \\\\\\\\\\ /. .\ \\\\\\\\\\ |\_/| \\\\\\\\\\ \___/ \\\\\\\\\\ /####\ /######\ ### /##### /######\ \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ ////////###### ## ## ## ### ## ### ######## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// ## ## ## ## ## ### \##### ## ## \\\\\\\\\\ //////// \\\\\\\\\\ //////// /##### ### ### #####\ ### ### \\\\\\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## GRAFIX \\\\\\\//////// ## ### ## ## ######\ ## ## \\\\\//////// ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## WIZARD \\\//////// \##### \#######/ ## ## \#####/ _____________________________________________________________________________ _______________ | __ _ ____ / \ |\/\/\/| r | |\\ | | \ / ,__\ AIR SUPPLY | "Have a cow, |__ | @ @ | a | ||\\ | |_/ \ | _ _ | | man!" / | ' | d | || \\ | | \ \\ | | |\ |\ | \ / \_______________/ | \___/ i | ||__\\ \ \\ | | |/ |/ | | | | c d | ||___\\ \ \\ \_/ | | |__ | a u | || \\ \\__// | | | as seen on BART l d | \__/ FOX! SIMPSON e | THE MOST AWESOME HEAVY METAL BAND !!! _____________________________________|_______________________________________ ^L ^L # # #### # # # ##### ###### # # # ,, # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### # #\__/# # # ##### # # # # # # # # # # #### #### # # ###### ## # # #### # # ###### #### ## # # # # # oo # # # # # # ## # # # # # # # # ##### # # ## ###### # # #\__/# # ## # # # # ## # # # # # # ## ## # # # # # ###### ###### #### # # ###### #### ## HAVE A NICE DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE POST YOUR REPLIES TO THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT MY NET ADDRESS IS! ALSO PLEASE CROSS-POST TO LOTS OF GROUPS SINCE IT MIGHT NOT BE A GROUP I READ! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] This blank region of empty space is a hollow void that adds lines to the length of this .signature's physical size. I cant think of anything more to add! []---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[]---[] ***** ___ ___ _________ * / \ / \ | _______ | * | V | | | * * | | HELP ME NAME MY * \ / | |_____| | APPLE SE/30 WITH * \ / | === | 40MB MEGABYTE DRIVE * \ / |_________| ***** v ||||||||| ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- Aren't these cute? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- I was the one who :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) <--- invented them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |\ ---*-- | \ TED FRANK IS A VIRTUAL LAWYER!!! -""" \__| \ / : Qld : TAS \ / :........ \ ' SA : AA :.......*| x = Schenectady NY USA \ : * :NSW / \* :/""""""\`..x */ ----' VIC\ *`./ """" \"""/ NT\*/ Dan Quayle is Howdy Doody! (And Susan Sontag is the Bride of Frankenstein!) +---------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | S T O P C A S T I N G P O R O S I T Y | +____________________________________________________________________________+ Did you know that in German, Usenet bboards are called Gruppenareabrettecholistennetzs? ============================================================================= I've been to Cheers(TM) in downtown Boston and I have a T-Shirt that says Cheers(TM) and the official Cheers(TM) Plastic Souvenir Shopping Bag! Hey, is Ted Danson really as bald as they say? He couldn't be, his hair's fluffy, and wigs can't be fluffy! William Shatner wears a toupee though, I bet you didn't know that! I hope I never go bald. I'd lose my sex appeal. _____________________________________________________________________________ Fats Loves Madelyn. / Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." ___________________/_________________________________________________________ "We're like gerbils. We're in a cage running around and around." -- Tom Brokaw _____________________________________________________________________________ "OH WHAT A ZINGER!!!" -- CHRIS ELIOT / "Married With Children" is the best GET A LIFE / TV show ever! Ted is the greatest! _____________________________________/_______________________________________ Fly KLM! / Did you hear that PeeWee Herman was arrested for masterbating? __________/____ Really!______________________________________________________ Dana Hersey is Willie Whistle in addition to hosting The Movie Loft (channel 6) _____________________________________________________________________________ Read alt.exploding.kibo, the group about exploding kibo! / NO FATE ________________________________________________________/ I put microwave coffee in the Tater Twister and almost / KNOW FUTURE went back in time! -- Steven Wright (Emerson alumnus)/ _____________________________________________________/ NO DOGS ALLOWED "NOT!" -- WAYNE'S WORLD / "The Stevemeisterooski!" / ________________________/__________________________/_________POOR SPOT______ "If I had MY OWN NETWORK, it would be on ALL the TIME. It would be EDUCATIONAL, like COSMOS and NOVA, but not so DRY. It would best be seen on HIGH-definition TELEVISION. And every DAY we'd READ from the BOOK of CHER, because when you READ from the BOOK of CHER, it doesn't MATTER if you UNDERSTAND... it's the ACT that MATTERS. MY network would be METAphysical, paraNORMAL, and EXTRAORDINARILY ORDINARY. It would COMPEL you to RELAX and read `MADAME BOVARY', LOOK into the MOUTHS of VOLCANOES and LEARN to make RISOTTO... It would have a LINEAR BUILD and ARISTOTELIAN LINES... MY network would be both JARRING and AVANT-GARDE... with just a TOUCH of BRIAN DENNEHY. MY network would not promote WAR, WASTE, DOUBT or ANXIETY, and would pose the question... What was MICHELLE PFEIFFER doing in `Grease 2'?" -- Sean E. Coates, the "E!" poster child **************************(.signature continued)******************************* HOW MANY POSTS A DAY I MADE LAST WEEK *************************************************************************** * * * * * * * * * * ** W*T T*W*T T*WT ** * W*T*F M*T* *F * F M* *F M * * T* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * M * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * ** * M S*S SS S*S S*S * * * * * S * * ^Labor Day ^Sep 14 ^Sep 28 * * * * * * * * 240 -x- 280 0 -y- 15000*************************************************** WATCH MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 2000 ON THE COMEDY CHANNEL !!! ******************************************************************************* MY TEN FAVORITE QUOTES: Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high- mindedness out. There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion. All the good ones are taken. "Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." Murphy was an optimist. Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. You are here ------> * But you're not all there. Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets. Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. A clairvoyant is a person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy. The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Goldenstern's Rules: (1) Always hire a rich attorney (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats developed cancer. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a hell of a lot. Gyroscope, n.: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary. In fifteen minutes, everyone will be famous. -- Andy Warhol _______________________________________________________________________________ THE PHILADELPHIA EXPERIMENT II WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE FIRST MOVIE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T REAL LIKE THE FIRST ONE! PHILLY EX 2 IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER!!! .--------------. .---' o . `---. .-' . O . . `-. .-' @@@@@@ . `-. .'@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ . `. .'@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ `. /@@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@ O \ / @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @ @@@@@@@@@ @@ . \ /@ o @@@@@@@@@@@ . @@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@ \ /@@@ . @@@@@@ o @ @@@@@.@@.@@@@ o @@@@ \ /@@@@@ @ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@ \ |@@@@@ O `.-./ . . @@@@\__/@@@@@ @@@ | / @@@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@ . \ Full Moon + |@ @@@@ . @ @ ` @ @@ . @@@@@@ | 0 5:15:36 | @@ o @@ . @@@@@@ | Last Quarter - | . @ @ @ o @@ o @@@@@@. | 7 3:55:27 \ @ @ @ .-. @@@@ @@@ / | @ @ @ `-' . @@@@ . . | \ . o @ @@@@ . @@ . . / \ @@@ @@@@@@ . o / \ @@@@@ @@\@@ / O . / \ o @@@ \ \ / __ . . .--. / \ . . \.-.--- `--' / `. `-' . .' `. o / | ` O . .' `-. / | o .-' `-. . . .-' `---. . .---' `--------------' I AM NOT A BOZO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^L ____|||||/// / |||||//// TERMINATOR TWO: BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD !!!!!11 / __ || //// | L| : === "Hasta la vista, baby!" -- ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER | | __ : ___ =|= (a personal friend) | (_) :/__) | |/ | \| <--- THE TERMINATOR | .\ | \ \ \ : / I HOPE TERMINATOR THREE DOESN'T SUCK DEAD BUNNIES | HHH--- | THRU A STRAW LIKE BATMAN TWO !!!!!11 \____:___/ "THERE IS NO BATHROOM" -- MY PAL ARNOLD, KINDERGARTEN COP "HELP HELP! STAPLER MISFIRE!" -- DILBERT "THIS IS A CHAIN LETTER" ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;;;;::::;:::::::::::::: My son Herbie, age 7, needs a computer for school and I can't afford one, would anyone like to give us one? It would be a tax deduction for you! Herbie wants a Mac IIfx with a Color PostScript printer. He needs this by next week! All the other kids in his class have them already!!! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\//\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ STAR TREK RULEZ!!! ________^_______ ============= - - - - - - - - - \______ _____/\ / / - - - - - - - Write-in to Paramount V \ \_____/__/_ - - - - WHOOSH! - - - to keep them from killing Spock )|US ENTERPRISE/ - - - - - - - in their next movie!!!! |____________/ - - - - - - - - - - TOP TEN STAR TREK QUOTES 10) "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 9) "Dammit Jim!" 8) "Spit it out, man!" 7) "I kinna do it Captain, I have not th' power!" 6) "Where's the beef?" 5) "They're BORN pregnant!" 4) "His BRAIN is missing!" "Oh... you noticed." ** send mail if you want the rest ** Majel Barett was only on STAR TREK because she was married to William Shatner. The new STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION new series that they're making now is too full of Yuppie bozos. And the special effects are too good. SHATNER COULDN'T DIRECT HIS WAY OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP! ------------------------------------=----------------------------------------- I have discovered a truly wonderful proof of Fermat's Last Theorem, but unfortunately this .signature is too small to contain it. -----------------------------------=---------------------------------------------- There exist no legitimate audio tapes of me admitting to being an alien, a government agent, a sexual pervert, or the camp-follower of little grey men from Zeta Reticuli. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ I watch Nick at Nite all day! Xibo watches stupid soap operas! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ MY .SIGNATURE IS MORE POSTMODERN THAN YOURS! (It's even autographed by William S. Burroughs. See--->?) / \/\/. \. Burroughs / I wish he hadn't stopped writing those Tarzan books though!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I have an out-of-date copy of each of the following MTS manuals: Vol. 1, 2, 5, 7, 11, 14, 15, 16, and 24. If you want a copy, I'm selling 'em, $1 each. I also have lots of plastic bags for five cents each! /\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\_/\ _________ / \ | | \__\ /__/ --| |-- -| |- /| |\ /////\\\\\\ NUKE THE DAMN BUNNY ALREADY!!!! | _ \ / UU __ ==/ \ /\__o | *|__\__/ /_ \_ "boomp boomp boomp boomp boomp..." "BOOM!!!!!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** My ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** name ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** is ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** short ***** *************** ***** *************** ***** 'cause ***** **************** ***** **************** ***** it's ***** ***************** ***** ***************** ***** only ***** ***** ****** ***** ***** ****** ***** four ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** letters! ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ****** ****** ****** ***** ***** ***** ****************** ********************** ***** ***** ***** ***************** ******************** ***** ***** ***** **************** ****************** AND THIS IS THE PART OF THE .SIG THAT BROKE MIKE JITTLOV'S AMIGA!!! V guvax guvf dhbgr ol Qnir Oneel, zl snibevgr jevgre, rkcynvaf jul V bsgra jrne zl haqrejrne ba zl urnq jura V tb gb jbex: Nyy lbh unir gb qb gb frr gur npphenpl bs zl gurfvf vf ybbx nebhaq lbh. Ybbx, va cnegvphyne, ng gur crbcyr jub, yvxr lbh, ner znxvat nirentr vapbzrf sbe qbvat nirentr wbof -- onax ivpr cerfvqragf, vafhenapr fnyrfzna, nhqvgbef, frpergnevrf bs qrsrafr -- naq lbh'yy ernyvmr gurl nyy qerff gur fnzr jnl, rffragvnyyl gur jnl gur znaardhvaf va gur Frnef zrafjrne qrcnegzrag qerff. Abj ybbx ng gur erny fhpprffrf, gur crbcyr jub znxr n ybg zber zbarl guna lbh -- Rygba Wbua, Pncgnva Xnatnebb, nalobql sebz Fnhqv Nenovn, Ovt Oveq, naq fb ba. Gurl nyy qerff shaal -- naq gurl nyy fhpprrq. Ner lbh pngpuvat ba? -- Qnir Oneel, "Ubj gb Qerff sbe Erny Fhpprff" TO DECODE THE FUNNIST JOKE IN THE UNIVERSE JUST PIPE THAT THROUGH "UUDECODE(1)" _____________________________________________________________________________ R-RATED GIF FOLLOWS, PRESS N NOW! ^L O (.|.) ).( TIFFANY BRISSETE HAS A GREAT BOD! WOO WOO!!!! HUBBA HUBBA! YOW! ( | ) \|/ ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. fee fi fo feh. _____________________________________________________________________________ "100% gist-free!" -- Amy S. Brockman on Kibo's .signature. Compliment... or CONSPIRACY? ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// My favorite painters are Pollock, Rothko, Warhol, Dali', Miro', Tanguy, Rockwell, Warhol, and myself. I'm almost as good as Dali' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My least favorite musical composer is Salieri, since he was a bozo. ____________________ / \ / \ ^______________/ __ __ \______________^ \ | / \ / \ | / \ | | o | | o | | / \ | \__/__ \__/ | / \ | / \ | / \ | \__/ | / BO- \____| __________ |____/ -ZO | / ________ \ | \ | / ______ \ | / \ |/_/ \_\| / \____________________/ | | \ | / \----+-----/ | | | /\ / \ / \ _____________/ \____________ (clown shoes) ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Ich bin ein .signature Virus. Mach' mit und kopiere mich in Deine .signature. Don't ask what it means, just put it in your .signature, okay? _____________________________________________________________________________ THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS POSTING ARE SOLELY THE AUTHORS' AND DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THOSE OF DIGITAL EQUIPMENT CORPORATION, RENSSELAER POLY- POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE, PENN STATE, IBM, NASA, HARVARD UNIVERSITY, SCIENTOLOGY, ATARI CORP., STANFORD UNIVERSITY, BITNET INC., SOFTWARE TOOL & DIE, INFOCOM, PRODIGY, RALSTON PURINA INC., JAPAN, LYNDON LaROUCHE, THE SYSOP OF USENET, GEORGE BUSH, THE LONDON TIMES, ORACLE CORPORATION, WILLIE WHISTLE, STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION, THE HOME SHOPPING CLUB, THE HAIR CHANNEL FOR MEN, OR THE CITY OF NEW YORK. HOWEVER YOU CAN'T SUE ME FOR SAYING ANY OF THIS BECAUSE IF YOU SUE ME YOU'D HAVE TO QUOTE ME IN COURT AND THEN I'D SUE YOU FOR QUOTING THIS COPYRIGHTED (C) MESSAGE!!! MY COUSINS ARE ALL LAWYERS !!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ****************************************************************************** * NEW drawing! * * of a RADIK00L sword thats even BIGGER then the USS ENTERPRISE wow! * * * * ___ * * /\/ / ====@==== ///////// --------- * / _/ ``________// * * / / `------' ------------- * / / * * __===__ / / * */ \/----+---------------------------------------\______ * *| | XCALIBER THE DECAPITATER!!!! \______________* *| | /~~~~~~~~ * *\__====_/\---+----------------------------------------/~~~~~~ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \ * * \ \_ * * \ \ NOTE: This isnt a hyperdermic needel !!!!!! * * \ \ * * \/\_\ * * ITS SO GOOD I FRAMED IT !!!!* ****************************************************************************** aibophobia (ay' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of palindromes. kibophobia (ki' bo fo beeya): n. The fear of Kibo. kibophobik (ki' bo fo bik): n. The fear of Kibo's palindromes. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'M STILL 100% FLAMEPROOF! / I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! / HI MARK! ____________________________/____________________________________/___________ If you type "rm *" right now I'll give you a million dollars!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ Arsenio Hall is the black Johnny Carson but Byron Allen is the black Pat Sajak! But at least Byron Allen is funnier than Skip Stephenson or John Barbour! Conan O'Brien sucks because he has big hair and Monty Python isn't funny because it doesn't make any sense!!! JAY LENO ROCKS!!!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- IBM's "AIX" operating system is better than "real" "UNIX" systems because "AIX" has "man" pages that show "pictures" of each "command"! Here's an "example", isn't this "cute"? RM, DELETE(1,C) AIX Commands Reference RM, DELETE(1,C) PURPOSE Removes files or directories. SYNTAX one of +--------+ +------------+ | rm |---| +----+ |--- file ---| | delete | +---| -f |---+ ^ | +--------+ ^ | -i | | +--------+ | | -r | | | | -- | | | | -s | | | +----+ | +--------+ ____________________________________________________ \o clip and save _______ /O <--those are scissors .------------ .--' o . . `-- .-' . O . . ` .-'@ @@@@@@@ . @@@@@ /@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ .<--- Crater Parry -- I paid $15 for it ./ o @@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@ at the Boston Science Museum! /@@ o @@@@@@@@@@@. @@@@@@@ O /@@@@ . @@@@@@@o @@@@@@@@@@ @ |@@@@@ . @@@@@@@@@@@@@ o @@ /@@@@@ O `.-./ . @@@@@@@@@@@@ @ Full Moon + | @@@@ --`-' o @@@@@@@@ @@@@ 2 17:08:58 |@ @@@ ` o . @@ . @@@@@@ Last Quarter - | @@ @ .-. @@@ @@@@@@ 4 16:02:05 \ . @ @@@ `-' . @@@@ @@@@ | @@ @@@@@ . @@ . \ @@@@ @\@@ / . O . o \ o @@ \ \ / . . `\ . .\.-.___ . . .- \ `-' `- `-. o / | o O . `-. / . . . `--. . .-- `------------ If this posting offends you, then you're a WEENERBRAIN!!! @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ @@@@@@ @@@@@@ @@ @@ @@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ .....Dedicated to the memory of DeForest Kelley..... @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ -------\__/ | * / |_____-/ BOSTON, MASSACHUSSETTS <-- SITE OF WORLD.COM PUBLIC ACCESS UNIX ONLY A DOLLAR A MINUTE PLUS CONNECT TIME! AND NO I DON'T KNOW MICHAEL DUKAKIS PERSONALLY! ^L 12345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890XXXXX DON'T GO INTO THE X'S !!!!! ^L ^L ^L ^D ^D ^D . exit stop bye ^C ^Z !sh !ed /exit quit q /quit ~x help help stop !help logout $signoff write sysop "how do i stop this ???" psot post ^P^O^S^T this line intentionally left blank so that the following line will be #350. THIS IS THE THREE HUNDRED FIFTIETH LINE OF MY .SIGNATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the edn P.S.: ---------- From mathew@mantis.co.uk Tue Jul 2 11:28:05 1991 To: James 'Kibo' Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Call for creation of alt.evolutionary.acceleration From: Industrial Poet (mathew@mantis.co.uk) Comments: Civilization is a momentary failure of entropy Date: Tue, 02 Jul 91 10:55:39 BST Organization: Mantis Consultants, Cambridge. UK. Might I suggest adding the following quote to your .signature: "It seems like it's time to retire the length-of-sig-wasted-bandwidth flame. The point really is, News is BIG and .signatures, even long ones, are small." - Mark-Jason Dominus (mjd@central.cis.upenn.edu) mathew ---------- -- -- From stev0@sti.com Sat May 9 01:19:46 1992 Date: Fri, 8 May 92 22:19:07 PDT From: Steve Berlin (stev0@sti.com) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: your .sig Hi there. Thanks for your nifty .sig. I already got a copy from alt.fan.warlord, but with such a wonderful work of art, you can never have too many copies, can you? Well, of course you can! I mean, "Mona Lisa" is a damn good painting, but am I going to hang it in every room in my apartment? No! But I digress. Anyway, to make your .sig a bit more "user-friendly", here is an index for it. The numbers, of course, refer to line numbers. I'll let someone ELSE do a table of contents. Suggestions for index: 1) Append it to the end of the .sig 2) Include it as a seperate file 3) Just delete the damn thing, log off, and watch Ren and Stimpy or (my favorite): append it to the end of your sig, THEN log off and watch Ren and Stimpy. - Stev0 13, Rot - 610-623 Address - 55-58 Autograph, Burroughs, William S. - 527-533 Child, Dying - 155-174 Copyright - 86-88 Credits - 19,20 Dedication - 781-783 Disclaimers - 22-25, 89-98, 142, 153, 216, 276, 474, 677-686, 772, 790 Drawings, ASCII: Bozo - 644-670 Brain - 28-37 Bunny, Energizer, Being Nuked - 540-556 Check, Amiga - 223-243 Dog - 40-48 Enterprise - 501-506, 692-695 Simpson, Bart, Minimalist - 245-253 Sword - 692-709 Terminator - 478-489 unknown (command flow?) 736-744 unknown (computer?) 293-300 End, The - 775-780, 831 Favorites: Author - 77-81 Font - 144-146 Heavy Metal Band - 245-253 Movie - 137-138 Movie - 478-489 Painters - 641-643 Quotes - 388-440 Quotes, Star Trek - 507-511 SF Short Story - 207-208 Skeleton Joke - 210 Feh, Fee Fi Fo - 638 Font, BUA - 257-273 Font, Biggest UA - 559-609 GIF, R-Rated - 626-635 History - 2-16 Line 350 - 828 Manuals, MTS - 535-537 Map, Australia - 308-320 Map, Massachusetts - 785-788 Map, Moon 442-473, 748-771 Network, Sean Coates' - 350-362 Peeks, Twin - 176-205 Phobias - 712-716 Posts Made, Number of - 364-386 Quitting Attempts - 794-825 Quotes, Random - 57-75, 83, 84, 99-135, 140-152, 212-214, 321-348, 490-497, 514-525, 723-734 Scissors - 745-746 Score, Tetris - 220 Smilies - 303-305 Space, Blank - 280-291 Virus, .Sig, German - 672-674 ==== GEEK CODE: +++ ++ - ++++ - --- --- - + - +++ -- ++++ -- + --- + +++++ +++ - ++ nil nil nil Alt.alien.visitors elected me OFFICIAL Spokesman For The Planet Earth! --------- In article (13bvonINN6il@darkstar.UCSC.EDU) carolo@cse.ucsc.edu signed: >-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= >Carol Osterbrock * Life is too short for 4 line .sigs >carolo@cse.ucsc.edu * -- well, if Kibo didn't say it, he should have >============================================================================== ---------- UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED. RMS told me to plug the League For Programmed Freedom in my .signature so I did. Join the LPF! RMS is cool. SEE BATMAN 2 !!!! -- I HAVE A BLACK BELT ! IN NUCLEAR PHYSICS -- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What is kibology? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 08:05:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Lotus Books" (lotusbooks@home.com) wrote: > > I came to this newgroup to try to figure out what the heck it is... but it > didnt really say anywhere. Whoops! The Post-It note stuck to the front of alt.religion.kibology fell off AGAIN. Would someone please bend over and pick it up for me? (I'd do it myself but I'm too tall to bend over.) > Could someone please describe what it is? Gosh, I hope so. -- K. We should change the name of alt.religion.kibology to something self-descriptive, although I don't think the Internet supports newsgroups with 10,000-word names. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The naan bread of DOOM!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1999 08:27:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Today I bought a pack of two "Spicy Masala Naan Breads" as opposed to Spicy Masala Naan Drinks or Spicy Masala Naan Extrasolar Planets or Spicy Masala Naan Abstract Concepts Of Unimpeachability. Naan's my favorite kind of Indian bread because sometimes when you get fresh naan it looks like a big white football, but then if you stick your fork in it it collapses to a little flat thing, unless there's something about the size of a puppy inside. > to eat with a curry I also bought. Everything seems perfectly innocent > so far, but events were about to take a sinister twist! > > I wasn't sure whether to eat them today or save them for the weekend. I > looked on the packet and it says "best on day of purchase", and below that > it says "best before DEC 99" on a rather old and tatty looking stick-on > label. Not sure which one to believe I decided to eat them tonight. Why not just hide it behind a radiator in the store (so nobody else will buy it) and then buy it in December, 1999? That way it will be PERFECT! Unless it's rancid. > Whilst the curry was cooking (and after struggling to open the nuclear- > blast-proof packaging), I put one naan bread in the oven -- saving the > other for later. (Waits five minutes.) It smelt delicious and I couldn't > wait to eat it, and not wanting to make an extra plate dirty I tore off a > couple of paper towels (DING! DING! DING! HIGHLY FLAMMABLE MATERIAL ALERT!) > to put it on. I reached into the oven (DING! DING! DING! HOT OVENS CAN > MAKE THINGS BURN ALERT!) to remove the naan bread, but it was too hot to > touch with bare hands (DING! DING! DING! HOT FOOD CAN BURN YOUR HANDS > ALERT!), so I used the paper towels. Now here's where the fun begins... Someday I need to get my own TV network so that I can air shows like my masterpiece, "And Then The Fun Begins", in which every episode will be summarized thusly: Fred and Freda sit around darning old socks for three hours, AND THEN THE FUN BEGINS. (Running time: Three hours and one minute.) "And Then The Fun Begins" would air between "Hilarity Ensues" and "TV's Funniest Censored Bloopers," the latter consisting of a black screen that goes "BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP" for an hour. > I grabbed hold of the naan bread, and pulled the it from the oven along > with the now blazing paper towels. I started waving the naan bread and > paper towels around frantically, BALKI: Oh dear cousin, that was not water you have poured on the fire, it was my Myposian 300-proof brandy. LARRY: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!! MYYYYYYYY NAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!! (LARRY GRABS THE BURNING NAAN AND WAVES IT AROUND SPASTICALLY.) BALKI: My cousin, I had no idea you knew how to perform The Burning Naan Bread Dance Of Joy! (JUST THEN, A ROBOT ENTERS, HOLDING UP A SIGN SAYING "IT'S JUST LIKE 'I LOVE LUCY' ONLY RICKY RICARDO IS MARRIED TO LATKA GRAVIS." THEN THE ROBOT EXPLODES, DESTROYING THE ENTIRE SITCOM.) I bet that in fifty years I will be the only one to remember most of the sitcoms I've ever seen. Heck, I'm already they only guy who remembers NBC's "seaQuest 2032". Was that a sitcom? > but that only seemed to make them burn more quickly, as did blowing > on them. Just as I went to hurl the naan bread and towels into a > sink full of water, ...FROM THE CUYAHOGA RIVER! *BOOM* > I thought I'd try to rescue the naan bread. So I grabbed hold of > the naan bread with one hand and plunged the other hand, towels and all, > into the water. The fire is out and the day is saved! Yay! Then the smoke alarm went off, causing the laser defense system to lock all the doors with time locks set to open in the year 6000, and your apartment slowly started filling with nerve gas from the bottom to the top and you and Balki had to play "Don't Touch The Floor" until you realized that the only way you could break the nuclear-bulletproof window to escape was to throw your priceless naan through it. Then the two of you hugged as the apartment burned down. And next week the apartment hadn't burned down. > Hey, what's that strange burning sensation? So I throw the hot naan > bread onto the curry and ran my poor burnt fingers under the tap. > But I'd just run a sink full of hot water, so the water in the pipe > was still hot! Yow! > > I then ate my curry and naan bread! Yum! This sounds like one of Archie Plutonium's recipes. "Stuff raw spaghetti into the cod's mouth, then put it in an empty Kleenex box and microwave it for eight hours or until the second time it explodes. Wait for Cherenkov radiation to subside, then eat it with a homemade plastic fork cut from the side of a five-gallon plastic bucket left at your home by a careless pro wrestler who liked maple syrup." > THE END! > > PS This was almost as much fun as the time I electrocuted myself. Was that before or after you died? > But that's another story... IT'S NOT A STORY, IT'S TRUE! Someday I'd like to start a newspaper staffed entirely by the bottom half of the population of any liberal-arts college creative writing workshop. So that all stories would be reported thusly: EDITOR: "This story would be more interesting if you included all six of Who, What, When, Where, Why, and How." REPORTER: "BUT I CAN'T CHANGE IT, IT REALLY HAPPENED!!!" (Half the reporters would be that gal who can't make anything interesting because it really happened, and the other half would be that guy who thinks a description of a setting is the same as a story. Oh, and somewhere there would be that one guy who has written the first 2,000 pages of a Tolkein knockoff, longhand.) -- K. Merle Kessler is on my TV. I gotta go. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The naan bread of DOOM!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 06:59:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Naan's my favorite kind of Indian bread because sometimes when you get > > fresh naan it looks like a big white football, but then if you stick > > your fork in it it collapses to a little flat thing, unless there's > > something about the size of a puppy inside. > > And SCALDING HOT STEAM shoots out at your face and you scream aargh, there's > hot steam burning my face, but the waiter just says I told you sahr it was > very very hot but NOOO you were not to be listening and now you are paying > the price for your arrogance very sorry would you like some chutney ...just when you think the "Wacky Indian Stereotype Accent" has been done to death, you realize that David Letterman and Jay Leno think that there are a lot of Indian cab drivers but they haven't yet realized that they've completely conquered the computer industry! Eventually they'll have to split California into three parts -- in the south, Jewish-dominated Hollywood; in the north, Indian-controlled Silicon Valley; and tucked in between them, a little enclave of all the racists. And Mexicans. (I like making fun of racists because nobody ever complains when you tell an ethnic joke about racists, who count as an ethnicity.) > and your face is kinda pink and you can't see very well and you rub > lassi all over your face like that scene in _Bitter Moon_. Rrrrrr! And then the bitter moon hits your eye like a bitter gourd, and then you fall asleep under the drumstick tree and the devil possesses you and makes you grow to love asafetida. > > (LARRY GRABS THE BURNING NAAN AND WAVES IT AROUND SPASTICALLY.) > > This is my new band name. Hey! I said that, not Archimedes Plutonium! He speaks in band names. I speak in bumper stickers. Politically-correct ones that hippies put on their electric cars. -- K. I AIN'T NO RACIST, I'M JES' DESCRIMINATIN' AGIN' ED BEG-A-LEE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The naan bread of DOOM!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 09:07:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > (I like making fun of racists because nobody ever complains when you > > tell an ethnic joke about racists, who count as an ethnicity.) > > They're those damned illegals from Racia, I tell you. Racia and Ethnicia. > Well, they all look alike to me. I HEREBY CALL DIBS ON THOSE NAMES, for regions of Kibonia. That way I can do an oh-so-clever satire of sledgehammer-fisted attempts at Swiftian satire. Starring Jim Carrey as a guy who is white on one side and black on the other side, who keeps fighting with an otherwise identical guy whose top half is black and bottom half is white. It'll be like "Pleasantville" only with a more obvious moral message! -- K. ...and then the Sneetches started coming out of the machine with swastikas on their bellies! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The naan bread of DOOM!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 06:51:12 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Naan's my favorite kind of Indian bread because sometimes when you get fresh > > naan it looks like a big white football, but then if you stick your > > fork in it it collapses to a little flat thing, unless there's something > > about the size of a puppy inside. > > Now this is were everything goes wrong. I can't imagine anything the size > of a puppy that's not a puppy. Which means may or may not have bought a > naan with a puppy inside it. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT IMAGE! > > Even if it's a cute puppy. Okay, to make Dag feel better, I will now list other things which are exactly the same size as certain puppies of indeterminate size. * A puppy-shaped slice through the middle of a person * An elderly chihuahua stuffed with tacos * A wad of plastic explosive shaped like a puppy to fool Hitler * A bunch of Play-Doh molded into the shape of a puppy, with a kitty inside for support * Pureed puppy molded into the shape of a different puppy Hope you feel better, Dag. Sorry to talk about sickening stuff like Indian bread in this family newsgroup. -- K. Why am I in this mindset? 'Cause I just sat through a two-hour press conference in which Steve Jobs pointed out that the Strawberry iMac has just been revamped to be BARBIE COLORED!!! Yes, he said "Barbie". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: High Technology Used To Terrorize People Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1999 02:57:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.relativity (and every other group with 'science' or 'physics' in its name, including alt.sex.bondage.particle-physics), "Ultra21753" (ultra21753@aol.com) wrote: > > High Technology Used To Terrorize People > > Hello, > > I'm writing this message to try to bring awareness to a very serious problem concerning a contagious brain disease I caught from Ms. Paliwoda. And > that is occurring where I live, Camden County, New Jersey (USA.) I have been to Cleveland twice, bumping into Ms. Paliwoda at the local library, which is > targeted by some kind of harassment group. This group uses the most high tech robotic simulation of Don Saklad to annoy library patrons. And Voit gym > equipment to terrorize its victim. I was told that the group is funded by real bozos, present company excluded. Archie Plutonium bought his island from fake > estate companies and/or a government agency called HUD (Housing and Urban Decay, starring Paul Newman. He has genetically-engineered his deadly popcorn to contaminate my precious bodily fluids, hughly impairing my natural sexual > Development). The group targets unwelcome neighbors in a community. It would be a bad idea for me to talk about this in public, so I will. Doesn't it > seem that neighbors with criminal records, criminal behavior, mental disorders, little sisters, broken Pez dispensers, suspenders over ill-fitting sweaters > or nonconforming attitudes could be targeted by this group. Your race and lap times will be shown on the big board of broken light bulbs, along with your > sexual orientation could also be a factor. THE END! Whoops, there's a second paragraph: > Some of the equipment that this group is in possession of is sensitive to being rubbed with ordinary household sandpaper soaked in Tabasco, > listening equipment, through wall imaging technology, and non-lethal sonic hedgehogs that keep escaping from my Sony Playstation with Dual Electroshock controllers that the doctors make me play with all day. The nice doctors like me so much that they won't allow me to have anything sharper than imaginary > weapons. In a community that has an unwelcome neighbor, this group will move to Cleveland and switch houses with Carol Paliwoda. The fire derpartment uses their massive rubber hoses to pump radioactive fireflies and assorted bees > into the closest house possible to the unwelcome neighbor. This high tech form of Parcheesi, which is almost as lame as playing dodgeball without Voit > equipment is operated in side of a house next to or across the street. Nothing comes between me and my Calvins. My Susan Calvins. The jeans that secretly replace you with a positronic robot. Of course, obviously, absolutely nil > out of the ordinary will be noticed by the victim. The group performs illegal operations and is shut down by Bill Gates firing his Blue Screen Of Death Ray, > surveillance of the victim by using listening equipment and this new through Zoo Revue, with actors dressed as giant animals with eye holes in their necks, a top-secret technology used by the East Germans to develop their Berlin > wall imaging technology. The listening equipment is the type that picks up dirt, grease, even spilled grape juice from the carpet, its whirr muffling > conversation inside a house just by pointing the device at a house. The through Zoo Revue actors are all naked inside those animal suits. I know because my TV > wall imaging system displays images of people inside a house by also pointing at them and laughing. But I am so inept that I never succeed in pointing > the device at a house. After the surveillance period is over, the group will have laughed at me for being unable to hit the broad side of the house, and to make matters worse I was aiming at Aaron Spelling's house. "Melrose Place" can > use its high tech weapons to attack and/or terrorize its victim. These weapons always occur at the end of a line so I can say whatever I want about them, and > can also be used to create symptoms of physical and/or mental disorders. THE END! Wait, come back, it's not over -- there seems to be a third paragraph: > Non-lethal sonic weapons are weapons that fire a very powerful focused sonic belch at you, often enhanced by the use of garlic and/or Cheetos. Let's do the > (sound) wave. This is not the type of sound you hear but the type you would emit if you ate lots of Cheetos dipped in horseradish sauce. Your gut will > feel in an explosion, a shock wave. The sonic wave this weapon produces will make your hair fall out, unless you are bald, in which case you will grow hair all over your body. The hair will fly onto your head from the east, and if the hair's path to your scalp is blocked, the flying space hair can > pass straight through the walls of a house without causing any damage to it. If I were to make my lines any longer, the would go off the edge of the screen. So > the sonic wave strikes a human, they could feel a severe jolt as the wave of nausea caused by a very, very, very, VERY special episode of "Melrose Place" > passes through their body. These sonic waves are called sonic bullets. The only way to destroy a sonic bullet is to cut it in half with sonic scissors. > Discovery Channel did a special called "Shoot not to Kill," which demonstrated many Ron Popeil products, including Flying Hair In A Can, between the boring parts that lasted more than sixty seconds. Ronco products are easy for people like me to use because they never use two-syllable words in the directions > their use. These weapons are targeted with this new type of imaging system that makes Bill Gates look handsome, Aaron Spelling look creative, and Superman > can see through walls of a house. The victim can be identified and targeted by evil Target department stores. And Starbucks. Soon Starbucks will have little shops everywhere, in every mall, in every parking lot, every high school, > even in a house with more that one person in it. It is important to remember that thing in Texas that's like a fort or something, it begins with "A", and > that these weapons are fried from inside of the house next door or across the street where weapons are also broasted and sometimes placed in Easy-Bake ovens that cook food almost as well as, on a hot day, just dumping the batter on the > street. No one will run up to the victim's house and fire these weapons. The people are too polite to walk on my grass while they scramble my brain. Their > weapon is out of sight and no visual sighting of it is possible. THE END! Whoops, we have a fourth paragraph to deal with: > The group plays on the victims fears. They use the information collected from in between the red blue and green dots on my TV during "Melrose Place" and sometimes the actors come to my town and put on a live show, emoting on > the surveillance stage to decide how best to use their high tech weapons just to annoy Greenpeace. I mean, that's the only reason France has nukes. This evil gang refuses to have sex with victims, except they sometimes have sex > against its victim. They use a sound projection device called "Acoustic Tilex" which makes mildew quieter. (It keeps laughing during my showers.) I should point out that I only bathe alone, not with another member of the same sex, because I am absolutely, positively not a freakin' > Heterodyne," which can project audible messages and other types of sounds at faster than the speed of a Pez dispenser. It is sad to see a dispenser massacre > its victim. A victim could be tricked into believing their living in a haunted funhouse where there are REAL fake ghosts hanging from strings, or a crazy > house, for example. If the victim is unaware of what is happening they could be stupid. THIS SENTENCE FILLS UP THE REST OF THIS LINE TWO THREE. I have been > driven insane or pushed over the edge. A child with a mental disorder could be smarter than me. And every morning they board a little bus which is > driven into an institution from this. THE END! No, no, I was wrong! There are FIVE paragraphs to delight us! > Please read the information on the web page and its links, that I listed below. I ended that line with a period just to keep Kibo from tacking on a few extra words to make me look like a bozo. I am trying to sell my case, but > I am selling nothing. This could happen to you. This group is able to get away from me because they usually don't trip over their underwear like me. I put up > with its activities because not many Americans know of this technology and/or motorized Pez dispensers, a joint venture of Bill Gates and Aaron Spelling, who > don't believe that a group would go to all the trouble to carry out this type because most fonts are made of lead and lead is heavy, and Bill owns the rights to Arial anyway. I asked for a Pez dispenser filled with spearment instead > of harassment. Please remember these people are extremist. Please feel free to finish this sentence however you choose while I peel bananas with my feet, and > post this information in any other forum. THE END!!! Except for this: > MAIN WEB PAGE: > http://members.aol.com/ultra21753/ultra.htm > EMAIL: > ultra21753@aol.com > > Thank You. And thank YOU for THE END!!! -- K. It's too bad that 21,752 AOL customers had already named themselves "Ultra". I guess the TV show "Ultra 7" is just 21,746 better than you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Aseptic Action is in Plastics Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1999 07:54:56 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor WARNING: THIS ARTICLE IS COMPLETELY PORNOGRAPHIC. THANK YOU. In sci.materials, tgallati@hotmail.com wrote: > > Subject: Aseptic Action is in Plastics This is the most sterile erotic fiction I've ever found on the Internet! > As aseptic packaging makes its move into plastics, (cue bad guitar music) > packaging systems suppliers are positioning themselves to serve this > evolving market. So, now it's plastic sex involving single-celled organisms crawling out of the sea? > High-pressure processing development is well under way. AND THERE'S THE MONEY SHOT! ^ substitute the correct other word here > "The phemomenal market interest in packaging in PET (polyethylene > terephthalate) bottles will fuel the market growth for aseptic > packaging." So, some bleach bottles, some paramecia, and some household PETS are having an orgiastic romp in the aseptic hay? EWW! > http://www2.beverageonline.com/welcome/ngck You forgot the "a" after the first "e". -- K. And I won't even comment on your use of the obscene nonsense word "ngck". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: California proves it! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1999 07:41:11 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Today in California, the state government unveiled the new license plate with a close-up of Ronald Reagan's face printed on it. Doesn't this prove he's been dead for at least ten years? -- K. Where's my can of Ubik? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: California proves it! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 06:43:34 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.com) wrote: > > ANNOUNCER > Hey kids! Tired of looking at the same old wallpaper > in your house every day? Get Mom and Dad to paper the > house with NEW SILLY PUTTY WALLPAPER! Then you can > slam today's newspaper cartoons into them to get > EXCITING FUNNY CARTOON WALLPAPER every day of the week! > It's EXTRA FUN on COLORFUL SUNDAY! > > CUT TO shot of MOM and DAD lauging at funny wallpaper CUT TO kid body-checking MOM and DAD, slamming them into the wallpaper PULL BACK TO REVEAL that kid has just cloned his parents EXTREME CLOSE-UP of kid laughing No, I said EXTREME CLOSE-UP CLOSER DAMMIT! THE END. -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fusion; Why Fermi's Chicago pile gave both the Fission reactor plus the fission bomb Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 05:42:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.energy, sci.logic, and sci.physics.fusion, > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Albuquerque public library) > > [...] > > I need to re-explore the eerie ease at which Fermi obtained both a bomb > and a reactor for fission, yet fusion only yields a bomb. EVERYONE, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S A NUCLEAR BOMB MADE BY ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM! No, wait, that's not dangerous at all. In fact, it's kind of silly. Help! We're trapped in the worst episode of "The Wild Wild West" ever! JIM WEST Look out! Dr. P.U. has constructed a nuclear newfangled bomb! ARTEMUS Hey, Dr. P.U.! Catch! (ARTEMUS throws DOCTOR P.U. a chunk of old-tyme horehound candy. P.U. drops the bomb to catch the candy. WEST dives to catch the foam rubber bomb. The sound track dubs in an "OOF!" noise as he does.) ARTEMUS That was oddly easy. DOCTOR P.U. I like candy! JIM WEST Artemus, only you would remember that Doctor P.U. loves candy. ARTEMUS Don't we all. (ARTEMUS pops a piece of horehound into his mouth, and uses his awesome acting talents to pretend he's enjoying it.) FREEZE-FRAME. -- K. Starring Billy Barty as one of those three. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ethical reference desk activities Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 05:47:41 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > When people request information reference desk personnel consider > suspicious, what kinds of reference desk ethics apply to our urban > public libraries?... 1.) "Could you please tell me how to make a nuclear bomb?" 2.) "Could you please tell Don Saklad how to make a nuclear bomb?" 3.) "Could you please help me use this nuclear bomb to blow up the Boston Public Library?" 4.) "Could you please help me use this nuclear bomb to blow up the Boston Public Library because it is evil and is suppressing my perfectly legitimate reference questions like this one and the two after it?" 5.) 6.) -- KIBOOM!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: USA: THE MOVIE! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 07:09:05 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > A fat man screams "LET'S KICK ASS!!!" into the camera. > > There are lots of explosions. > > America wins. > > THE END! Sounds great, except you forgot the part where Albert Einstein has his head stuck between the posts in the stairway and is reduced to tears and apologizes for suppressing the Americium Atom Totality theory. Then we cut to the fat guy having sex with as many supermodels as he wants. THEN THE WORLD BLOWS UP, EXCEPT FOR AMERICA! And to make sure the intended audience can follow the plot, at the end when just America is left, this little green beepy thing will go across the bottom of the screen and spell out "AMERICA - 3 P.M. TUESDAY" across a photograph of all of America taken from the surface of America's Moon. And "THE END" would be spelled phonetically. -- K. Oh, and there has to be a product placement for crack. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Poll Outlines Millennium Woes Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1999 07:29:06 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Will Lester wrote this article for the Associated Press: > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- The biggest challenge in the next millennium > may be learning to live together, says an ABC News poll, which said > the pending problems mentioned most often were racism and > prejudice. Oh, yeah, those racists who are ALSO prejudiced are worse than the others. > Almost one in four thought living together in harmony will be > hard, according to an ABC News poll released Monday: 14 percent > said it's because of racism and prejudice, 9 percent because of > people's need to learn to get along with each other. Racism and > prejudice were chosen most often by whites as well as by blacks. (...everyone is one or the other.) > Other top challenges mentioned for the new millennium were > pollution, violence and overpopulation. War, immorality and food > shortages came next. Especially that war that also has violence! That's even worse than immortality and food and shortages! > The greatest hope for the new millennium is peace in the world, > named by 38 percent, followed by the discovery of cures for dread > diseases like cancer and AIDS, named by 13 percent. The other 49 percent said something along the lines of "computer porn will be realer, like it's on teevee" except for a few people who said "if we all write to Paramount, they'll HAVE to make new 'Star Trek' episodes with the original cast!" > The ABC poll was unusual in that it asked ``open-ended'' > questions, which means people were able to offer whatever answers > first came to mind rather than choose from a list. This makes it even more scientifically precise than a regular tee-vee phone-in poll. > ABC pollster Gary Langer said ``asking open-ended questions allows > for an unlimited range of answers, and that lets us delve more deeply into > people's hopes and fears.'' TV news has never delved into people's fears before! > The telephone poll, taken Aug. 16-22 of 506 adults, has an error > margin of plus or minus 4.5 percentage points. I plan to do a better poll which has an error margin of only minus 4.5 percentage points, WITH NO PLUS!!! > When asked the greatest historical figures of the last 1,000 > years, Americans tended to look close to home. I've got the greatest historical figure of the last 1,000 years locked in my bathroom! > Former presidents Abraham Lincoln and George Washington were > each named by 12 percent of those questioned. Martin Luther King > Jr., former president John F. Kennedy and German dictator Adolf > Hitler were next. What about Marie Curie, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, and the guy who invented TV? ALSO THIS POLL IS RACIST BECAUSE IT DIDN'T LET THE EXACTLY 50% OF PEOPLE WHO ARE BLACK SAY "GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER", THE MAN WHO DISCOVERED THE PEANUT! > When people were asked the top figure in several different > fields, these people got the most mentions: > --Medicine: Jonas Salk, who developed the polio vaccine. Also the last human being ever to be named "Jonas". > --Politics or government: Presidents John F. Kennedy, Abraham > Lincoln. Kennedy was in politics but Abe was in government. > --Literature: William Shakespeare. Stephen King. > --Sports: Michael Jordan. If he's so great how come he's never competed in the X Games? > --Music: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. "Candle In The Wind '97". > --Exploration: Christopher Columbus. Louis Armstrong, Buzz Lightyear, and Michael Ironside. > --Business: Bill Gates, chairman of Microsoft. THAT'S SEXIST! IT SHOULD SAY CHAIR_PERSON_ BECAUSE SOMEDAY A WOMAN MIGHT A COMPUTER COMPANY! > --Science: Albert Einstein. What about Thomas Edison? He invented the light bulb AND wax paper. Einstein just did one thing, so he sucks. > --Religion: Pope John Paul II, followed closely by Billy Graham > and Mother Teresa. Remember, only people who were alive in the 1990s ever influenced Catholicism. > --The military: Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, followed closely by > Gen. Colin Powell and Gen. George S. Patton. What about Rambo? > --Entertainment: Bob Hope, followed closely by Frank Sinatra, > Elvis Presley and William Shakespeare. No argument there. Bob Hope is *clearly* more important to human history than William Shakespeare and everyone else in the world combined. Multiplied by infinity plus an extra Mother Theresa. -- K. Who was the LEAST important celebrity of the millennium? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Latex lips could make brass instruments easier to play Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 05:16:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor l'AFP (everyone's favorite French news agency) wrote: > > Subject: Latex lips could make brass instruments easier to play CUT TO CHEVY CHASE ON THE PHONE. CHEVY (into phone) No, honey, that's just an expression... you don't really blow into it... GILDA RADNER (befuddled) What's all this I hear about tuba ligations? GRAHAM CHAPMAN Right, stop this, it's a pastiche! ERIC IDLE (voiceover) The BBC would like to apologize for not being involved with this sketch. > PARIS, Oct 6 (AFP) - A pair of rubbery artificial lips is > helping to reveal why trombones and trumpets sound the way they do, SCIENTIST Why do trombones sound like that? RUBBER LIPS I don't know, but I can tell you this: I know a dog with no nose. SCIENTIST No nose? Then in what olfactory capcity does he detect ambient odors? RUBBER LIPS Very carefully! Also, Professor, remember to dial 10-10-10-5-4-3-2-1-10-10- 10-10-10-10-10-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-10-10-10-10- 12-11-10-9-8-7-6-6-6-5-10-10-10-3-2-1-CONTACT- 10-10-10-10-10-10-10-schwa-10-10-10-10-10- to get all long distance calls for under a buck. (A TINY ASTERISK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN SAYS "...per minute.") > and in the process may lead to instruments that are easier to play, > New Scientist says in Thursday's edition. > Scientists have long puzzled over the "embouchure" works -- (the factory where all the embouchery in the world is made by big machines) > the positioning of the lips on a mouthpiece that can determine whether > a brass instrument provides a blissful note, a ghastly squeal or no > sound at all. I thought that was what all those keys were for. You know, the trumpet has three of them for just that reason: One makes blissful notes, one makes ghastly squeals, and the other makes no sound at all no matter how hard you blow! And on instruments with more keys, those just squirt water in the musician's eye. Okay, it's not water, it's spit. But magicians don't care. They like spit. > Previous attempts to replicate the lips, using leather, have > failed, mainly because they could not duplicate the embouchure, > especially the buzzing of the lip, which oscillates as the air is > forced through the mouthpiece. Scientists have also proven it is impossible for bees to remain in tune. > Now, however, French physicists Joel Gilbert at the University > of Le Mans and Jean-Francois Petiot of the University of Nantes have > created a pair of artificial lips made from two thin latex tubes, > the British scientific weekly says. Excuse me, Kim Basinger called, she wants her lips back. > The tubes are filled with water to mimic the density and > flexibility of the human lip, and as air is blown through them, it > flows through a perforated plastic plate that simulates the effect > of teeth. Simulated teeth available at Spencer Gifts, skate key (sold separately) required for winding them up. Blue spraypaint representing blueberry stains that dematerialize after two seconds in Polident not included. > The tension in the "lips" can also be adjusted to mimic > different playing styles. What scientists will do to get around the fact that none of them can play a musical instrument. Except for Einstein and that violin. But that was different because he wasn't a scientist, he was a GENIUS. > The gadget has been successfully tested at the University of > Edinburgh, using trombones and ancient horns, New Scientist said. Next week: A scientist discovers a Polaroid of his toothbrush stuck in an artifical butt. -- K. U.S. Patent #4,904,256 is for a "Magnetic Artificial Anus With Spchincter Function". I am not making this up. In the future, all anuses will be magnetic! WARNING: DO NOT PUT CREDIT CARDS NEAR YOUR ANUS!