Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Latex lips could make brass instruments easier to play
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1999 05:16:55 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
l'AFP (everyone's favorite French news agency) wrote:
>
> Subject: Latex lips could make brass instruments easier to play
CUT TO CHEVY CHASE ON THE PHONE.
CHEVY
(into phone)
No, honey, that's just an expression...
you don't really blow into it...
GILDA RADNER
(befuddled)
What's all this I hear about tuba ligations?
GRAHAM CHAPMAN
Right, stop this, it's a pastiche!
ERIC IDLE
(voiceover)
The BBC would like to apologize for not
being involved with this sketch.
> PARIS, Oct 6 (AFP) - A pair of rubbery artificial lips is
> helping to reveal why trombones and trumpets sound the way they do,
SCIENTIST
Why do trombones sound like that?
RUBBER LIPS
I don't know, but I can tell you this:
I know a dog with no nose.
SCIENTIST
No nose? Then in what olfactory capcity
does he detect ambient odors?
RUBBER LIPS
Very carefully! Also, Professor,
remember to dial 10-10-10-5-4-3-2-1-10-10-
10-10-10-10-10-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-10-10-10-10-
12-11-10-9-8-7-6-6-6-5-10-10-10-3-2-1-CONTACT-
10-10-10-10-10-10-10-schwa-10-10-10-10-10-
to get all long distance calls for under a buck.
(A TINY ASTERISK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN SAYS "...per minute.")
> and in the process may lead to instruments that are easier to play,
> New Scientist says in Thursday's edition.
> Scientists have long puzzled over the "embouchure" works --
(the factory where all the embouchery in the world is made by big machines)
> the positioning of the lips on a mouthpiece that can determine whether
> a brass instrument provides a blissful note, a ghastly squeal or no
> sound at all.
I thought that was what all those keys were for. You know, the
trumpet has three of them for just that reason: One makes blissful
notes, one makes ghastly squeals, and the other makes no sound
at all no matter how hard you blow! And on instruments with more
keys, those just squirt water in the musician's eye. Okay, it's
not water, it's spit. But magicians don't care. They like spit.
> Previous attempts to replicate the lips, using leather, have
> failed, mainly because they could not duplicate the embouchure,
> especially the buzzing of the lip, which oscillates as the air is
> forced through the mouthpiece.
Scientists have also proven it is impossible for bees to remain in tune.
> Now, however, French physicists Joel Gilbert at the University
> of Le Mans and Jean-Francois Petiot of the University of Nantes have
> created a pair of artificial lips made from two thin latex tubes,
> the British scientific weekly says.
Excuse me, Kim Basinger called, she wants her lips back.
> The tubes are filled with water to mimic the density and
> flexibility of the human lip, and as air is blown through them, it
> flows through a perforated plastic plate that simulates the effect
> of teeth.
Simulated teeth available at Spencer Gifts, skate key (sold separately)
required for winding them up. Blue spraypaint representing blueberry
stains that dematerialize after two seconds in Polident not included.
> The tension in the "lips" can also be adjusted to mimic
> different playing styles.
What scientists will do to get around the fact that none of
them can play a musical instrument.
Except for Einstein and that violin. But that was different
because he wasn't a scientist, he was a GENIUS.
> The gadget has been successfully tested at the University of
> Edinburgh, using trombones and ancient horns, New Scientist said.
Next week: A scientist discovers a Polaroid of his toothbrush
stuck in an artifical butt.
-- K.
U.S. Patent #4,904,256 is for a
"Magnetic Artificial Anus With
Sphincter Function". I am not
making this up. In the future,
all anuses will be magnetic!
WARNING: DO NOT PUT CREDIT CARDS NEAR YOUR ANUS!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: A Celebration of Ess Pee Ay Em
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sat, 9 Oct 1999 05:05:16 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
Today I cleaned out a few hundred messages from the "spam" department
of my mail filing system. Of the 50% or so that were not in
Chinese or Korean (.tw and .kr appear to generate massive amounts of
spam, almost as much as ibm.net) these are the highlights of the
spams that I could read.
> (This message was composed by the originators of a serious business
> opportunity!
This message was composed by the originator of a silly reply!
> We are seeking Motivated individuals for National expansion.
I don't know which country wants to expand, but I bet it's a creepy one
where nobody's allowed to eat vegetables.
> * Turn-key system with multiple support partners.
We pay you a dollar for every ten thousand times you turn the key!
And "multiple support partners" means they enroll you in AA.
> ( = MASTER PSYCHIC = READER 98% ACCURACY)
Oh, that's almost as good as any other OCR package.
> We are offering a new internet and small cap
> newsletter at no charge.
I'm sorry, Mini-BIFF, but my mail program can't display
newsletters that are entirely in small capitals.
> Order 100,000 or 200,000 African American Email Addresses ($150) and receive
> 4,000 African American Entreprenuers for FREE.
Are they dehydrated? I'd think the shipping weight would be pretty high
otherwise.
> I am Billy Ahn from PR team of Inchon International Airport
> Corporation. First of all, apologize the mail without your permission.
>
> We are now constructing Korea's new airport on a reclaimed tidal land
> off west coast. Inchon International Airport will be born as an ultra
> modern off-shore airport operating 24 hours a day, which will open
> after 6 months of overall readiness check-up following the completion
> of construction in June of 2000.
>
> We like to mail you further information of our airport such as
> facilities, construction progress, operation readiness etc.
>
> This mail is absolutely not for commercial purpose, but giving you
> up-dated information of our airport project.
We assure you we are spamming you about our Korean airport for
NO REASON WHATSOEVER. Have a nice day.
> Most web filters "ATTEMPT" to keep your loved ones off the dangerous sites.
Ours "SHIELDS" them by "PUTTING" quote "MARKS" around the "DANGEROUS" sites.
> Take a few minutes to read over all of the information
> enclosed, MAKE A COPY, then read it again.
Then make a copy of the copy, then make a copy of the copy of the copy,
and marvel at how "Gene Welch lost his life" changes to "Gen. Walsh lost
his wife"!
> In a fascinating virtual reality environment you can chat with other
> players, invite your friends, and make new ones.
>
> New technology allows you to receive Casino Treasure right in this e-mail,
> no need to go to a Web site and download.
Waah! My mail program must be defective, I can't find the diamond-studded
gold bars hidden inside this E-mail!
> DON'T MISS THE REWILDING FOREST REFORM RALLY!
His characterization of Dr. McCoy was the best.
> To activate your ZDNet e-centives organizer and start
> saving, just visit the link below:
I'm sorry, but your e-centives message fell in my e-toilet.
> *!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!* SPONSOR *!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*
> Kosher Supermarket Online Kosher Food
> Kosher food, wine, deli, grocery, vitamins, meat, poultry, candy, gift
> baskets and more. Online ordering, 24 hours, delivered overnight, to
> your home, office or hotel.
Except you can only order kosher meat from a Web browser that's never
been used to look at a cheese site.
>
I believe that, because I'm at url=(555)DUH LOOK AT ME I AM STUPID DOT COM
Also I love how they put stuff in HTML comments to ensure that nobody
can ever see it.
MAKE MONEY FAST!
>
>
It's like Word 98 except they used it back in 1909.
> Our product is the best way to take human growth hormone,Ê
> no inactive piles, excellent powder for greatest absorption.Ê
And who doesn't want to have active piles?
> I believe that you are in some way conected to ceramic tiles?
SEE THE INCREDIBLE TWO-HEADED HALF-MAN, HALF-TILE MONSTROSITY!!!
STEP RIGHT UP AND SEE THE INCREDIBLY STUPID SPAMS! NATURE'S
CRUELEST MISTAKES! SCIENCE CANNOT EXPLAIN THIS SPAM!
> (this is a first-come, first-serve system to receive your viewbar).
That was such a great movie, "Looking for Mr. Viewbar".
> Please use my referral ID number DDF-601, (because I get paid when you surf)
I'm tired of all those other scams where I get paid to surf. I want
one where someone else gets paid when I surf.
> Complete Turn Key Adult Website only $3500.00. You will not find an
> easier or more complete way to enter the lucrative online adult industry.
>
> We design it, program it, provide all the content,
In other words, they're selling you a copy of last month's _Playboy_
for three thousand five hundred dollars.
> VITAMIN BUZZ
I'm going to switch from No-Doz to Vitamin Buzz!
> Work For Companies Like:
> IBM, AT&T, Amtrack, Apple Computers,
> Blue Cross/Blue Shield, Citibank, Aetna, Allstate,
> American Express, Honeywell, Bell South, etc...
> Fortune 500 companies that offer work at home
> jobs.
I note that the only companies that offer work-at-home jobs have really
strict dress codes. I'd hate to have to wear pants while I'm home.
> Get The SOFTWARE They Want BANNED In All COUNTRIES!!!
Yes, help get software (that they want) banned in all countries NOW!
> YOU CAN EARN AN EASY $500-$800 A WEEK
> WITH
> NO SELLING!!!! (or even talking with anyone!)
WE PAY YOU TO HAVE YOUR JAW WIRED SHUT!!!
> "It Is The Most Powerful Anti-Obesity Drug Ever Discovered!"
> "It Is Like Metabolic Liposuction Vacuuming Off Excess Body Fat!"
> "It Is The Age Reversal Miracle of the 21st Century!
> "It Is The Ultimate Anti-Aging Therapy!
> "It Is Cosmetic Plastic Surgery In A Bottle!"
> "Maybe The Most Powerful Aphrodisiac Ever Discovered!"
It's a floor wax! It's a dessert topping! No, you're both wrong, it's Spam!
> Are you having problems getting to sleep or staying asleep
> constantly, periodically, day or night, caused by Exterior Light
> & or sound ? If YES, then You NEED The Total Light Out Shade
> the only roll down window shade system with the ability to
> benefit you in so many ways such as
>
> 100% Exterior Light Elimination (Beneficial for Day Sleepers)
> 80% Exterior Sound Reduction
> 100% Privacy Against Voyeurs
> 100% Privacy on a Cordless Phone
Does this "window shade system" involve wrapping myself in
aluminum foil?
> CALL TODAY TO ORDER THESE BOOKS - (800) 305-1458 [24hrs.]
>
> "HOW TO JUGGLE WOMEN WITHOUT GETTING KILLED OR GOING BROKE"
> "BROTHERS BEWARE: GAMES BLACK WOMEN PLAY"
HOW TO JUGGLE WOMEN LIVE ON STAGE!
AT THE APOLLO THEATRE!
[more on the construction of that airport]
>
> Dear Madam or Sir Ê Please refer to the attachedÊnewsÊinformation for
> Inchon International Air port in Korea. This news letter should be
> delivered to personel who are related to airport businessÊand are
> interested inÊour facilities/services.
Should be but wasn't. Your loss. Now someone in the Korean shipping
industry who wants to land a plane at an airport that doesn't exist
will never know about this nonexistent airport because I'm getting
their copy of the newsletter.
> This is today's LUSTLAND NEWSLETTER. You have received this email
> because you signed up for our news letter.
If they're going to lie, why not doing it right?
This is today's LUSTLAND NEWSLETTER. You are receiving this
newsletter because our tests show you have an I.Q. of 215.
> SITE OF THE DAY!!!
> Foot Fetish: http://www.footfetish.com/sys/click/6481
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE ONLY FOOT FETISHISTS FOR ONE DAY A YEAR!!!!!!
[Japanese spam]
>
> $B!!!!F|K\:EL2Bg3X9;(BURL
> $B!!!!!!(Bhttp://www.hypno-college.com/
>
> $B!!!!>\$7$$;qNA$44uK>$NJ}$O%a!<%k$GO"Mm2<$5$$!#(B
> $B!!!!!!Bg>k!!CR;R(B:info@hypno-college.com
Learning Japanese is the first step towards the harder task:
graduating from Hypno-College.
"I _think_ I graduated from Hypno-College."
> DO NOT REPLY TO THIS E-MAIL, AS IT IS NOT READ BY A HUMAN.
Hey! I didn't come here to be insulted!
> It doesn't have to be April fools day to send a virtual insult.
Insults are funny any day of the year now, you moron!
> Shocking Discovery Of Super Secret Site Has Internet World In A Stir!
Jimmy Hoffa's Burial Site Discovered When Corpse Was Found Stuffed
Inside Spam!
> I just had to send you this.
I just had to pee. On your mailbox.
> Yes, assisted living is a wonderful living option for
> seniors who need supervision, but don't need the
> services of a skilled nursing facility.
The best part is that assisted living shields seniors from spam.
> "I lost nine and half inches total, after my very first week of using
> the
> gels.
And he's talking about K-Y gel.
(I MEAN ON HIS WINKY! HAW HAW!)
> WE have been in the Telephone ON HOLD Music & Message business for
> over
> 9 years.
People calling to complain about our spam have now been on hold
for over 9 years.
> Can you use a good distributor in South America?
If I wanted a distributor I'd just go to Pep Boys and buy one.
> There are no reserves, so the closing price is YOUR price --
> no matter how low. We guarantee great deals on the following:
>
> 1 BUSCH VACUUM PUMP
> Model: RC0025, Pumping Speed: 567 liter/min
>
> 1 BAUSCH & LOMB MICROSCOPE
> Model: StereoZoom 4, Zoom Range: 0.7x to 3x
>
> 1 HOFFMAN INERT GAS OVEN
> Model: 600E/111, Max. Temperature: 290C
Now You're Cooking With Krypton!
> 1 FLUKE MULTIMETER
> Model: 8800A, Display: 5.5 digit
If it works, it's a Fluke!
> 1 BOONTON TRUE RMS METER
> Model: 93A-08, Bandwidth: 10 Hz to 20 MHz
Can tell the difference between true Richard M. Stallman and cheap
imposters at up to 100 paces. (Not like that's hard.)
> POLISHING
>
> LAPMASTER Open Frame Lapping Machine ($12,000)
> Model E 36
Are you tired of having to use housecats to drink those saucers
of milk that clutter your floor? Then get a lapping machine!
> ROSEMOUNT Torroidal Conductivity Probe
> Part No. 11276-10P 226
Mmm, electric donut...
> THIS MAY BE THE MOST SIGNIFICANT LETTER YOU RECEIVE
> THIS YEAR!!
Yes, because it might MAKE PIGS FLY OUT OF MY BUTT!
> FREE R-Rated humor every morning to start your day.
Yeah, you can't get that from tee-vee.
> If you do not wish to join this free list or if
> you don't have a sense of humor, please
> ignore this message.
No, no, you didn't tell it right. It's
"
...
?
,
-
-
,
!"
> THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT!
This is how marketing works. You have two items which are absolutely
identical, except one says "THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT!" and so everyone
buys that one. IF THEY'RE STUPID.
IT'S SO DIFFERENT THAT IT HAS TO TELL YOU SO BECAUSE OTHERWISE
YOU WOULD NEVER NOTICE IN A BILLION YEARS!
> Jay Stevens,
>
> CEO-Orgasm.com
Job titles are getting so weird.
> Guarddog Security has Awsome prices
> on Stealth blowguns, crossbows
> and pen knives. Check it out!
Protect your family with a powerful blowgun that can take
either regular peas or navy beans!
(We cut out the "e" for extra saveings!)
> ORDER BEFORE OCTOBER 1st AND RECEIVE A
> FREE THROWING STAR PACKAGE!
"Ding dong."
"Who's there?"
"Here's your box of knives."
"Thanks! Bye."
"Oh, I almost forgot your free throwing stars -- CATCH!"
> Buy one book and get the second book of equal or
> lesser value for FREE.
But what if I buy Jeff Foxworthy's Y2K book? There's no book
of lesser value!
[from a Russian mail-order bride shop]
>
> Hello,
>
> Thank You very much for your e-mail.
> Sure I are alyways happy to help,
HEY JOE YOU GOT GUM DOT COM?
> Programmer and amateur astronomer seeks to grow astronomy discussion group.
Try sprinkling water on Carl Sagan's grave.
(You probably don't need to add more fertilizer.)
Be sure to put a camouflage net over the site to keep the DEA from
spotting it.
> (Please note that this invitation is for you only. It is not transferable.)
Yeah, it would be horrible if I forwarded it to someone else who wanted
it. These are only allowed to be sent to people who don't want them.
> This message is intended for adult webmasters only.
Sorry, although I'm the webmaster here, I'm only four years old.
So, 404 on you, you big doody-head!
> This is a powerful database server that can handle the many requests.
At least six or seven. And after six or seven, throw it away and
buy a new one.
> Rest assured everything is working now and the system is around
> 50% fasted with this dedicated database machine.
Call me back when the hunger strike reaches three months.
> Do you need leads for your venture. Let us supply
> your business with fresh leads.
Sorry, I only use pens, not pencils.
> This is the place for your message
PLACE SPAM HERE. THEN PUT BEANS IN YOUR EARS.
> This is not spam.
That reminds me to add "This is not spam." to the top of my
spam-filter rules list.
> [You Definitely DO NOT Want To Lose This Email Message!!!]
Fine, I'll remember what part of the toilet I'm dropping it in.
> [DO NOT LOSE THIS EMAIL]
[TAKE IT FROM US! WE'RE LOSERS!]
> If you could take a magic pill that would solve all your
> money problems, would you take it?
It's the pill that makes you fart tens and twenties!
> Through Softnsoft World Network,
which shows reruns of HR Pufnstuf all day...
> How would you like to get a beanie for a dollar or check
> to
> see what your beanies are worth or sell the ones you don't
> want.
Cool! I can get money for selling all the Beanie Babies I don't
want? This means I can sell all the Beanie Babies in the world
even though I don't own any because I DON'T WANT THEM, YOU NITWIT!
> P.S if you wood like to remove from our list just hit the
> reply button
Why don't you make like a tree and leaf, and then go fall
in the woods, and let a bear shit on you?
[this was an actual personal note addressed to some guy that someone else
thinks lives at my site]
>
> Now that you put it that way, you can consider yourself uninvited.
Waah! Not only don't I know who this guy is, I don't even know
what he's not invited to!
> Our engineers are expert at advanced ASIC design, simulation and verification.
> We operate at the state-of-the-art for density (.18 micron) and speed, in CMOS
> and other processes. Some of our most recent projects have involved the
> architecture, design, simulation and verification of Terabit protocol processing
> chips (ATM and IP), Terabit routing chips and chips for Dense Wave Division
> Multiplexing (DWDM) applications. We use all of the most popular design tools,
> including VHDL, Verilog, Synopsys, Motive, etc. Our engineers have created full
> board-level simulation environments and advanced emulation environments.
You know, I hadn't thought about it, but I guess I could use a few
million dollars' worth of custom-designed integrated circuits.
I think I'll buy them from this spammer. <-- LOOK! SARCASM!
> You have won!
> Click link below for your free play of tricktrack
> http://tricktrack.com/tricktrack/
> This link will expire in 14 days.
Aww. And then I'll never again be able to win at tricktrack without
knowing what it is.
> Our main products including POLYRESIN ITEMS, CANDLES,
> PORCELAIN WARE, ACRYLIC ITEMS & MOUSE PADS.
I was going to order a million custom-printed mouse pads but I just
spent all my money on custom-designed integrated circuits.
And then I blew the profits playing tricktrack.
> That's right, I have 57 Million Fresh email
>
> addresses that I will sell for only $149. These are all
>
> fresh addresses that include almost every person
>
> on the Internet today, with no duplications.
That's right, there are only 58 million people on the Internet.
That's a whole PERCENT of the world's population.
This is one of those ads that claims that WebTV Networks is
*bigger* than the Internet, right?
> HURRICANE WARNING!!
>
> The Biggest Opportunity To
> BLOW THROUGH In The Last 10 Years Is Predicting LANDFALL!
And if you don't dry up and blow away, I predict some land falling on you.
> Because of your professional involvement with school technology,
> you have been selected to apply for a FREE trial issue of
> Education Technology Literature Review -- the nation's leading
> time-saving reference for busy school technology professionals.
Dear Don Saklad,
I'm sorry, but the elementary school library I operate has a firm
"NO COMPUTERS" policy because library computers attract weirdos.
> You either asked for information previously (in the past year)
> or your information was provided to us as someone interested in
> Manhattan (New York City) Apartment Rentals.
And sending me this offer shows that you're either very intelligent
or very stupid.
But I appreciate the way you respect my intelligence by telling me
that you mean the Manhattan in New York and not the one in Russia.
> Charlie was recently featured as the cover story on Entertainment
> Tonight! This
> clip shows the interview that Charlie had with the staff at ET and some
> footage of
> him pitching his next movie - The Misadventures of Charlie Chance, to
> the studios.
> The meetings show that Charlie clearly knows how to take control of any
> situation,
> and is truly the youngest producer in Hollywood!
I don't know, I can think of some movies made by two-year-olds.
(I mean, ever seen Jerry Lewis's "Smorgasbord"?)
> You and ten other lucky people won a bonus 50% off our professional web
> site design service and a free logo design, just go to www.mlplus.com and
> claim your prize, but do it fast on october the 20th this would be
> invalid.
You're only spamming eleven people in the whole world? Cool!
I'll just make sure to sign up on one of the dates where it's not
invalid, such as October 19th or October 21st.
> http://mlplus.com
> http://mlplus.com
> http://mlplus.com
> http://mlplus.com
> http://mlplus.com
Damn. It's going to take me an hour to visit all five sites to
see if they're different.
> IS YOUR J.O.B TAKING YOU
> WHERE YOU WANT TO GO?
DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE V.E.T TO GET N.E.U.T.E.R.E.D?
> Click On The Card Hands To Check us Out !
I am enjoying the interactive Internet discussion on your card board.
Just be sure you don't get it wet or your Web site will get all wrinkly.
> Get the skeletons, ghosts and goblins out of your pipeline today!
ZOINKS! QUICK, VELMA, GET THE SCOOBY-ROOTER!
-- K.
I would like to see the
Mystery Machine run over
a WebTV.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: A Celebration of Ess Pee Ay Em -- Part Eye Eye
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sat, 9 Oct 1999 05:11:00 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
Part II of my Celebration Of Spam. These are all the same type
of spam, a type which I assume the rest of you folks aren't
getting. (Except for you, William Gates.)
I get a few of these a month from some form which apparently says
"Click here to send mail to lots of celebrities you've never heard of,
and be sure not to do anything other than requesting autographed
photos", with plaintive pleas addressed to Mr. Generic Celebrity.
They always have really long lines with approximate the same
formatting, and mainly seem to be from kids. I'd love to know
where these are coming from so I can find out who else is on the
list of alleged celebrities who give out autographed photos
to people too cheap to send an actual self-addressed envelope.
I also want to know why people don't compose messages that say
anything other than "ME WANT AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO!"
> I am a soldier and I just have returned home from Bosnia. I was there
> for nine months involved in the peacekeeping mission there. I missed
> seeing you while I was gone and all the other things that make the
> United States so great. I was wondering if I could get an autograph
> picture of you.
>
> THANKS AND PEACE!!
> YOUR BIGGEST FAN
(I am glad my constant appearances on TV helped get him through
the Bosnian mission. I am very proud of my imaginary contribution
to world peace. Now send me my Nobel prize and I'll send the photo.)
> It's a pleasure to email you. I think you're great! And have been a
> fan of yours
> for some time now. I know you're busy, so I'll get to the point.
> I'm the owner
> of the T-shirt Shopper website at http://www.t-shirtshopper.com . A
> very large
> collection of T-shirt websites and soon to be T-shirts. I'm planning
> on starting
> an addition to the site that will contain autographed and famous
> celebrity t-shirts.
> Sort of a Celebrity T-shirt Museum. I was wondering if you would be
> kind enough
> to donate an autographed T-shirt for the museum. Or better yet a
> famous T-shirt
> or shirt you have worn. Please send one if you can. If you can't,
> could you
> send me an autographed picture.
And if I can't do that, what do I have to send you?
(Point of order: When sucking up to a "celebrity", do NOT
attempt to HAGGLE for autographs!)
> HI;
> =20
> I'M A HUGE FAN AND I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO.
> =20
> PLEASE MAIL AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO TO:
> =20
> L. HOOK
> POB 568
> DECATUR, IN 46733-0568
> =20
> THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR PROMPT REPLY AND AN AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO!
> =20
> -L. HOOK-
EVENTUALLY I WILL FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE THIS PROGRAM
BECAUSE I HAVE AN IQ.=20
[via a WebTV]
>
> I have a 9 yr old daughter who is living in a long term residential
> treatment facility due to her psychiatric needs. (She has been out of
> the home since Oct 98 and it is anticipated her needs will require 12-18
> more months.)
> On September 25th, she will be turning 10 years old. She has a
> collection of 22 autographs. I was thinking it would be neat if I could
> give her more autographs for her collection. If it is at all possible
> could you please mail me your autograph, so that I might give her an
> extraordinary birthday present.
Why is the little girl in a psychiatric hospital? It's because when
they asked what she wanted for her birthday she said "autographs
from strangers via E-mail!" and so they immediately realized
something was wrong with her.
> hi,im kevin mach. im a huge fan of yours. i was wondering if i can
> have your
> autograph.
HI kevin, I'LL HOOK YOU UP WITH L. HOOK ABOVE AND MAYBE THEY CAN
SWAP SOME CAPITAL LETTERS FOR SOME OF YOUR LOWERCASES AND THEN
YOU'LL BOTH KNOW HOW TO WORK THE SHIFT KEY.
> I am 16 years old and collect autographs. I wait for the mail everyday,
>
> and when it comes I check it right away hoping for autographs of my
> favorite people. I put them all in this nice book that I have. I want
> yours sooooo bad. Can you can send me one. Please.
I forgot to send you one. I'm sorry. That's just soooooo bad.
> Can you send me your 8 by 10 autograph picture of you or what you sign.
Sorry, I ran out of checks.
> im such a big fan of yours and i was just wondering if you would be
> able to
> send me your autograph? it would mean so much to me and i would
> cherish this
> always. i would really appreciate it and treasure it. thank you for
> your
> time.
Well, I was going to send you this big blue sapphire I found when
I was exploring the wreck of the _Titanic_ but what the hey,
I'll send you a scribble on a little piece of paper instead.
> Hi, I am a big fan, and was wondering if you could please send me an
> authentic, personally autographed photo. I would really appreciate it.
> Thanks for your time.
Please send me some more time and then I'll send you an authentic photo.
> Can you please send me an autograph. Steven
> Longo, 612 Titi Cir, Eglin AFB, FL 32542.
> thanks for your time.
[there's a "Titi Circle" on an Air Force base?]
> i have read a lot about you and your work and am very facinated by
> your words
> and ideas. your concepts are mind-blowing but well supported.
> i ws just
> wondering if you would be able to send me your autograph. it would
> really
> mean so much to me and i would really appreciate your taking the time.
> thank
> you so much.
Your argument is generic yet precise and your numerous appearances
in a medium of some sort are somewhat stimulating. You are my
favorite person or cartoon character.
> Hi, I am a huge fan.I was wondering if I could please have an authentic
> personally autographed photo. I would love that.
I note that a lot of these people are demanding "authentic personally
autographed" photos. I guess most celebrities just send out
artist's conceptions of their signatures to people who send them E-mail.
> We are a girl scout troop of 25 girls. WE are working on our
> collections badges and would appreciate your help. WOuld you please
> send us an autographed picture ( any size ) for our collection? Thanks.
> Teresa & Troop 182
I am enclosing one of a very small size. See if you can find it.
> Hi my name is mike, im 15. I am a very very big fan of your and i was
> wondering if i would be so lucky as to get an autographed picture or
> something. Thank you soooo much.
I also find it interesting that they seem to think I'm more likely
to reply if they point out that they're teenagers.
DEAR TOM SNYDER,
I KNOW YOU LIKE TEENAGERS BETTER THAN PEOPLE YOUR AGE. SEND ME PHOTO NOW.
> I am an autograph collector and I would love to add your autograph to my
> collection! If you have the time, can you please send me an autographed
> photo or something to that respect? Thanks alot!
Spams alot.
> I'm a big fan of yours
> I was wondering if you could
> send me a autograph of yourself to:
Damn! I have to write an autograph _of myself_!
I'm really getting tempted to start sending out phony autographed
pictures of other celebrities with captions like "I AM DEEPLY IN LOVE
WITH YOU. COME LIVE IN MY GUEST HOUSE. SIGNED, BOB HOPE."
> please send me an autographed photo or something. I would really appreciate
> it. i am a huge fan of yours.
Okay, so name one movie I've been in.
> Greetings ,
>
> i really hate to bother you but if it would not be to much trouble
> could you PLEASE send an autographed picture to the address
> below....i sure would appreciate it....as i have no money to buy one
> and this is the best hobby in the worls collecting the best people on
> the planets pic and autograph....thank you very much and if i have
> requested before...im sorry to be a bother ...my e-mail runs real slow
> on this old 286 computer......thank you and i think your a graet person
> for helping make mine and a few million other peoples day...
> your friend
What? You can't afford to buy *Kibo's* autograph? Then how did you
manage to buy something as awesomely expensive as a 286 computer?
> My name is Colin Keogh and I have been volunteered to head up a
> fundraising project at our local elementary school, Stenstrom
> Elementary. We have decided to have a celebrity auction to raise funds
> for needed projects throughout the school. We are asking for your help
> in our fundraiser. If you could send an autographed item, a piece of
> memorabilia or any item that we could auction at our fundraiser, we
> would be extremely grateful. I want to thank you in advance for your
> help and consideration.
I am sending my underwear. If you do not sell it, please wash it
and send it back. Unless you've been wearing it.
> Can I have your autograph? I would be very thankful if you sent it to me.
Whoops! I sent it to your arch-enemy instead. Sorry!
> Hey I am a very big fan of yours. I have followed your career for
> years.
> When is your next big apparance? Well anyway I will make this short
> because
> you probably have tons of mail. Can I have an autographed photo of
> you?? It
> would mean so much to me.
My next appearance... let's see... I'm going to the supermarket
in a few minutes. Maybe you'll see me there. What department
do you work in?
> Hi, my name is Allissa and I have chose you to
> do a biography presentation in my creative writing class at
> school. This
> biography has to be creative with pictures and your life story
> and stuff.
> I was wandering if you could please send me you autograph to include
> in the
> presentation.Please try to send it by the end of May, but if not
> possible please
> still send it and I will use it for later refrences.
Kibo's biography counts as creative writing. I like that.
> We are 6 university guys who are moving off campus next year and would
> love to have a picture of you hanging above our bar! Could you please
> send us an autographed picture made out to Razor, Dekki, Butchy, Ticker,
> ReeJay, and Bates! It would be greatly appreciated!
Tell you what, I'll forward your request to Andy Dick. I'm sure
Butchy would enjoy having his photo.
[good mail-merge on the next one. Yeah, Se–or, sure you know who I am.]
>
> Dear Kilbo,
>
> PLEASE help me with student motivation!!
>
> I wanted to write this letter to say that I am really big fans of you
> and your work. I was wondering if you would mind filling a small
> request.
>
> I am a Spanish teacher in a public elementary school located in rural
> Georgia. The news and media play a large role in my students' lives and
> you are one of their role models. I would like, if possible, an
> autographed picture of yourself with a special message from you on the
> importance of education. (For example, stay in school, study hard,
> etc.)
>
> I would like to dedicate a wall in my classroom to house celebrity
> autographed pictures with positive educational messages. In my area we
> have one of the highest drop out rates in the nation and I feel that a
> celebrity/rolemodel message may help to challenge this trend.
>
> Thank again for taking the time to read my request.
>
> Sincerely,
>
>
> Mike Wooden, (my students call me Se–or Wooden)
And you may call me Monsueir Klibo, you bozzo.
> - PS: Also my cousin collects autographs too and I'm sure he would love
> to have your autograph just as much as
> I would, but he doesn't have a computer so he can't email you.
AW, TOO FREAKIN' BAD!
-- K.
BY THE WAY, THE PARTS WITH
">" IN FRONT OF THEM ARE
THE ONES I DIDN'T WRITE.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.archaeology,sci.med,sci.psychology.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: movie: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY: Las Vegas & homeless solution
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 03:56:40 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
[stuff from Archimedes Plutonium's latest imaginary movie,
something about fear, loathing, and Plutonium in Las Vegas]
In sci.archaeology, sci.med, sci.psychology.misc, and talk.religion.misc,
Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> At 12:30 in Caesars Palace near the Trojan Horse I stopped to
> have a bite to eat and had a cherry danish. And wanted more
> gastronomic delights to go along with such splendid visuals that
> I went and got some premium ice cream in a different shop. Then
> walking around some more I came upon the Christian Dior and the
> Warner Bros area inside Caesars Palace and was taken aback by
> its beauty, actually some twinkle of tear came into my eyes
> and was reciting some of the poem "Carbon in me, carbon of
> plutonium, fill me with life anew" and now I could not judge
> which of these two splendors
> of architecture was the best, whether Gucci or Christian Dior
> replicas of Ancient Greek? The Christian Dior had gold
> corinthian and brownish sort of marble columns and a huge statue
> of Athena. I could spend a whole delightful day just inside
> Caesars Palace.
Heaven help us if he ever discovers a Structure store.
> [...]
>
> An answer for homeless people, is a tough social problem,
> however, I believe I have an answer. It is to declare homeless
> people as psychologically insane and in need of psychiatric
> treatment.
Yes, especially those people who spend all their time roaming around
the USA visiting casinos and using the computers in public libraries.
Sign 'em up for electroshock! (Surely they have enough wattage
in Las Vegas to spare about a quarter of it to shock Archie.)
> The state of homelessness is a failure of living
> within society and that these people are mentally insane. So,
> where to house these insane people? My answer is that the
> churches are plentiful and that they should house all the
> homeless people of the USA and have attendent psychiatrists
> treating these people just the same as if they were inside
> psychiatric wards. Alot more Americans should take the time out
> from their daily life and visit some of the city centers of
> the USA where many homeless people congregrate and to realize
> that this problem needs an answer. I have given my answer and
> believe it to be a good answer. Many of these homeless are
> alcoholics but all of them are in need of psychiatric treatment.
> On the one hand you feel sorry for these people, but on the
> other you are annoyed by their constant begging or their dirtying
> up the cities and streets that we would like to have clean.
> And bothered by their encroaching inconveniences such as the
> putting of coin operated bathrooms. And even in San Diego I ran
> across two, not just one, beggar in a wheelchair that was faking
> lameness, who jumped out of his wheelchair and walked around
> normally inside the restroom. Begging apparently gets more
> returns if one has a wheelchair in the begging business.
However, having a wheelchair makes it more likely that mad scientists
will follow you into the restroom to watch you.
> The USA has made great strides in solving smoking and nicotine
> problem. And just recently I heard President Clinton addressing
> the problem of the homeless people of the USA. I believe the
> answer to be to make homelessness an admission to psychiatric
> wards where the churches of the USA are the ward and where these
> people are taken care of.
Why not just give them all homes? Occam's Razor proves that that's
the easiest solution! Just buy them houses.
> The world no longer needs church buildings in praise or
> worship of God, for God is 231Pu and its bible is the best
> physics textbook available. Hence, studying physics in a
> university such as Berkeley is closer and nearer to God than is
> going to church on Sundays. And besides, church buildings are
> used a few times a week anyway and they are plentiful. So now
> is the time to start to house all of the homeless people inside
> church buildings. And to go to church or have the religious
> experience of worship praise of the Lord Almighty, one need only
> read some pages from these two websites.
>
> http://www.newphys.se/elektromagnum/physics/LudwigPlutonium/
> http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/index.html
Didn't you used to have an incredibly important Web site at
Dartmouth once upon a time?
Hey, I know, we could house all the crazy homeless people in the
space where your Web site used to be. (I figure a group of about
a dozen crazy people would substitute for one Archie just fine.)
-- K.
Wait'll Archie finds out
that Caesar's Palace
has its own flavor
of salad dressing.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Ethical reference desk activities
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 04:02:53 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Susan Behr MacDuffee (sbehr@pegasus.cc.ucf.edu) wrote:
>
>
> robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote:
> >
> > 5.) Could you tell me where the Librarian pr0n is?
> >
> > 6.) Could you tell me where the really good Librarian Pr0n is?
>
>
> What is prOn? or PrOn? Did you mean to type porn?
More importantly, why is it that when I type porn in the library,
they always drag me away from the typewriter before I get halfway
through writing the foreplay?
-- K.
Also, what's the Dewey Decimal Number
for "Panty Salesman's Privelege"?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Ethical reference desk activities
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 07:22:26 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > More importantly, why is it that when I type porn in the library,
> > they always drag me away from the typewriter before I get halfway
> > through writing the foreplay?
>
> Probably because that little "ding!" sound you make at the end of each
> line is disturbing the other patrons.
>
> LIBRARY PORN SHOULD NOT HAVE LITTLE DINGS!
Just for that, I'm going to let you know that the Super 88 Market
near Andrew Square sells "beef pizzle". In packages of a dozen.
(I assume they're not all from the same bull.)
-- K.
A quick Web search will reveal
that "pizzle" is a useful word
in New Zealand, Australia, and
sometimes Renaissance Festivals,
but in the civilized world
we say "wee-wee".
"Deer Pizzles are composed
primarily of protein with
traces of several minerals."
-- catalog of allegedly
healthy stuff on the Web
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY movie: Berkeley
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 04:09:35 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote:
>
> In sci.physics, soc.history.science, and talk.religion.misc
> Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote:
> >
> > (posting from Univ Calif. Berkeley)
> >
> > Berkeley is perhaps the only university in the world where one
> > does not need to say Univ of California as prefix.
>
> RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! IT'S A STAMPEDE OF DANCING BEARS!!!!1!
We have some sad news to report. Early this morning, Archimedes Plutonium
was nearly suffocated under an avalanche of a giant pile of 3x5" pieces
of paper with "UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT MIT" and "UNIVERSITY OF
CALIFORNIA AT TEXAS A&M" and "UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT MOSCOW"
written on them, mistakenly sent in by elderly people who thought they
were entering one of those deliberately easy contests that scam artists
print in _TV Guide_. To make matter worse, Mr. Plutonium survived.
-- K.
Doctors are testing him for
brain damage. So far they're up
to holding a pillow over his face
for five minutes.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Poll Outlines Millennium Woes
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 04:44:36 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.com) wrote:
>
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> >
> > Who was the LEAST important celebrity of the millennium?
>
>
> Carrot Top, the love-child of Lucille Ball and Pee Wee Herman.
I'm sorry, but Desi Arnaz Jr. is NO RELATION to Carrot Top. For one
thing, Desi Arnaz Jr. is a million times funnier.
Carrot Top is actually the offspring of Ralph Malph and Richie Cunningham.
NOW you KNOW the REST of THE sto RY!
-- K.
If Pope John Paul
and Paul Harvey
married the Beatles,
they'd be ELLA VADER!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Yesterday at Safeways
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Sun, 10 Oct 1999 04:56:40 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> Yesterday at the supermarket I'm standing in a line with four people in
> front of me. The old lady at the front of the line is rooting through
> an old leather purse for something or other, possibly some change, a
> frequent shopper card. The woman in front of me turns around and rolls
> her eyes, a half-smile on her lips. Unspoken, the look on her face is
> unmissable: old people. Whaddya gonna do?
Well, you gotta expect that all the people who are going to die soon
will be in the express lane. But they also like really slow easy-listening
music and sitting on the porch for hours sipping lemonade and
watching golf on TV and talking about the time they once went fishing,
so I guess you'd also expect them all to gravitate towards the
declerated non-express lanes.
I have just proven that there are old people in front of you everywhere.
Standing in line in every aisle. With their shopping cart's left
turn signal blinking forever.
> I have three items in my basket: a basil plant (I was going to make
> pesto), a paper bag filled with Portobello mushrooms (I was going to
> make a patŽ) and an eggplant (I was going to experiment on it sexually).
> The guy behind me kept staring at my basket, and I guess he must have
> figured me for a vegetarian. I'm not, I just already had the meat at
> home, conveniently formed into a human shape.
>
> For now.
I made a meat loaf shaped like Adam West as Batman once and DC Comics
prosecuted me for An Unlicensed Portrayal Of The "Batman" Character
In The Medium Of Well-Done. It ruined my dinner with Lee Meriwether!
> The guy behind me looks about 40. Tufts of hair already growing out of
> his ears. He looked like a hobbit. Fat. About 350-370 pounds. I
> glance into his basket: a pack of disposable blue plastic gloves
> (Medium), a box of Life cereal, a six-pack of beer. For a brief second
> my mind flashes onto a scene of this man sitting alone in front of the
> television, eating a bowl of cereal drenched in beer. Wearing the
> plastic gloves, he scoops the cereal up in his hands, brings it up to
> his face...
THEN HE SUDDENLY PULLS THE GOVER OVER HIS HEAD WITH THE BEER AND
CEREAL INSIDE, WHILE A GADGET BOLTED TO THE CEILING BEGINS SHRIEKING
AS THE HOWIE MANDEL ALARM GOES OFF!!!
> A shuffling noise from the front of the line. Impatience. I look over.
> The old lady is still searching through her purse, getting more and more
> frantic. Whatever she's looking for, it's obviously not in there: there
> aren't that many places to hide.
>
> From where I'm standing, I can see the dairy aisle. An old man wearing
> dirty yellow slippers is holding a young boy's hand and pointing in turn
> at every single one of the different types of milk. Two percent? He
> looks at the child. No, the child shakes his head. The man shuffles
> over a couple of steps, dragging the child with him. Skim? No, says
> the child. The old man shuffles over a couple of steps. Chocolate?
> No. The child is only wearing one sock, and seems uninterested in the
> plethora of selections offered up to him by the old man and his
> seemingly endless varieties of cow juice.
Yesterday at the Prudential Star I saw something with the most disgusting
name ever:
"GO-GURT".
The label actually says "GO-GURT Portable Yogurt". Unlike that regular
yogurt that you can only suck directly from the tap of a 55-gallon drum,
Go-Gurt is yogurt you can lift with only one hand!
It appears to be yogurt packaged in hot-dog-shaped plastic squeeze tubes.
AT LEAST, I HOPE THAT'S YOGURT!
> Suddenly there is a short, mechanical grunt: the vegetable and fruit
> sprinklers poke out through their metal foreskins, and begin spraying a
> fine mist over the peppers and tomatoes, as they do every 45 minutes.
> The fruit glisten, plump and waxy. They look airbrushed, and vaguely
> pornographic. A young woman in a white wedding dress picks up a kiwi
> fruit, sniffs it, stares at it for several seconds, and when she thinks
> no one is looking, she takes a bite and puts the fruit back down,
> underneath a crooked pile of oranges. A piece of the kiwi has escaped
> from her mouth and landed on the bodice of her white dress. The green
> juice quickly spreads, but she fails to notice. She makes a face and
> spits the kiwi into her hand, and walks out of my sight. But I can see
> her in the overhead convex mirror. She throws the kiwi morsel under the
> bakery display and wipes her hand on her dress.
>
> People in front of me are getting very impatient. The old lady has been
> unsuccessful so far, but continues her struggle. She pours the contents
> of her purse out onto the carrier belt, and a lipstick passes by the
> sensor just in time to prevent two coins from disappearing under the
> belt: they're too low to trigger the sensor. The cash register kid
> doesn't even notice. He's somewhere else, far away. Rock stars with
> platinum albums and no acne don't care about minimum wage.
>
> The old lady finally finds what she's looking for, and she holds it up,
> victorious. It glints and shines under the cheap fluorescent lighting.
> The woman in front of me strains to see what it is, trying to look like
> she's not interested in it. The old lady pinches some skin in her neck
> and plunges the shiny object into the flap. She begins a serrating
> motion, and the hole in her neck widens, as she starts cutting
> downwards. She cuts through neck tissue, sternocleidomastoid, shoulder
> bone. She keeps cutting down, down, through chest and hip and thigh,
> raising her arm to keep its shadow out of the way of the operation.
> Finally, she reaches her foot, and then stands up, transfers the shiny
> object to her other hand and begins again on the other side. Neck,
> shoulder, chest, hip, thigh, foot. Her skin hangs loosely, front and
> back flaps somehow otherwise unattached to the rest of her muscle
> structure. She reaches up to her neck, and with a smooth motion draws
> the shiny object across her neck. The front flap falls to the ground.
> She reaches behind her head. Ziiiip. The back flap falls. She grabs
> her own hair and pulls, the face stretching out and then coming cleanly
> off like a balaclava.
>
> It's not until this point that I notice that there has been no blood.
>
> And there she stands now. She is stunning. The most beautiful woman I
> have ever seen. Gorgeous, pouting lips on a face framed by flaming red
> hair. Green eyes that look back now at the people in the line. She
> apologizes for the delay, and we forgive her immediately, even though
> none of us has said a single word. She has legs to die for, a body that
> would have the Pope giving himself a thousand papercuts on his eyeballs.
> I love her instantly: we all do.
>
> I hear someone clapping. It is the fat man behind me. He has put down
> his basket with his plastic gloves and cereal and beer and is
> applauding. Others in the line join in, as does the boy behind the cash
> register. Grudgingly, I applaud as well, not wishing to be just another
> member of an audience: I want her to notice me. I want her to notice
> me. I want her to /love/ me. But she doesn't. She mock curtsies,
> smiles at us all, picks up her bag of groceries and walks out of the
> store.
>
> The woman in front of me turns around and rolls her eyes, a half-smile
> on her lips. Unspoken, the look on her face is unmissable: old people.
> Whaddya gonna do?
>
> The kid at the cash register says "next, please," and we all shuffle
> forward.
I thought this was a true story until you said that the cashier said "please".
-- K.
Also, they weren't
plastic Playtex gloves,
they were elastic latex
gloves. Please get
your facts right before
writing any more
erotic fiction.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: AAAACK!!!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 05:25:42 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
THE BARBIE COMPUTER IS ADVERTISING ITSELF ON MY TV!!!
Could be worse. A WebTV could be advertising itself while it shows
a picture-in-picture view of a commercial for the Barbie computer
and the Barbie Digital Camera home page at the same time.
I need to get one of those new TVs that doesn't have any pink dots
in the picture tube so I can't see any Barbie computer commercials.
-- K.
I still want to know why
they sell a Hot Wheel Computer
for boys (different sticker)
but there's no macho version
of the Barbie Digital Camera.
They could change the big pink
flower (around the tiny lens)
to a steering wheel...
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Dog To Star in Own T.V. Show
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 06:36:51 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
> LOS ANGELES (AP) -- A once unloved and unwanted dog went from
> rags to riches after being chosen to star in his own television
> series.
Poor Spot! He was also given his own TV series! Unfortunately, it
was the "Everyone Points At Spot And Laughs, Because He's Naked" show,
which airs 24 hours a day (sometimes more) via the hidden cameras in
the featureless walls of the tiny, doorless, windowless room in which
Spot is trapped with several people who are paid millions of dollars
to laugh at him! And one of them's Pauly Shore! And the others are
all Jerry Lewis! (Poor Spot! Rich Jerry Lewis!)
> Rowdy, an Australian shepherd-husky mix, was rescued from an
> animal shelter a few years ago and has appeared in a few
> commercials.
Poor Spot! He was in a public service announcement titled "Putting
A Pet To Sleep Isn't So Hard"! And Jerry Lewis played the executioner,
and got all the laughs!
> But he's getting his big break with Nickelodeon, starring in a
> television series called ``100 Deeds for Eddie McDowd,'' which
> premieres Saturday.
On new Nickelodeon For Dogs. The TV channel so awful, only dogs can see it.
> The producers chose Rowdy for the part of Eddie because of his
> personality and striking looks, including pale blue eyes. Rowdy was
> chosen from about 700 other canines.
...and 300 incisors and 1200 molars.
"HEY, STOP MOLING ME, YOU MOLARS!"
> Now the pooch travels with an entourage of trainers and is
> constantly pampered.
Poor Spot! He was irregularly pampered! B. F. Skinner conclusively
proved that being irregularly pampered was much more annoying than
simply not being pampered at all! (This is why he won the Nobel Prize
For Being Mean. And by winning the award, he made Phillip Zimbardo
and Stanley Milgram cry! Milgram tries to drown out the noise of
his own sobs by turning the volume of his stereo up all the way past
"DANGER" to "X X X", while Zimbardo just locked himself in his basement.)
> Just like human actors, stardom often results in a tremendous
> improvement of animals' lives, said Jim Moore, a spokesman for the
> American Humane Association, which monitors treatment of animals
> during productions.
He then proceeded to explain that the dog in "Something About Mary"
not only liked being dipped in plaster but sincerely enjoyed licking
Ben Stiller's yucky face.
-- K.
I AM NOT MENTIONING
JANEANE GAROFALO ANYWHERE
IN THIS ARTICLE, but
I would like to point
out that I know how
to spell her whole name.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Chinese woman beaten to death in police custody for Falungong beliefs
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 06:47:19 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
I would just like to point out that Kibology is better than Falun Gong
even though it's not illegal in China yet.
> BEIJING, Oct 11 (AFP) - A Chinese woman who refused to give up
> her involvement in the banned Falungong sect has been beaten to
> death while in police custody, according to a report posted on the
> group's Internet website.
...as if anyone would ever believe a news story reported on the Internet!
The Internet contains no news, only distortions and lies! You can
believe me because I have an I.Q. of 170 and I'm really really handsome!
> Zhao Jinhua, 42, died on October 7 at a police station in the
> town of Zhangxing in the northeastern Chinese province of Shandong.
China shouldn't have let Don Martin name all those places.
> A police spokesman in Zhangxing confirmed Zhao's death but
> declined to comment on the cause, which he said was under
> investigation.
Then he refused to comment on what he was eating under there,
saying, "Under where?"
> "It's not clear how she died," said the officer who identified
> himself only by his surname Zhang. "We didn't arrest her, We just
> brought her in for education."
Yeah, she was mouthing off to the cops. So they brought her in
for education so she'd stop being so smart.
> However, an Internet report filed by a Falungong investigator
> who travelled to the town recently said Zhao had been tortured to
> death.
Just once I'd like to read a happy uplifting story about someone
being tortured to life.
Especially if it involves cotton candy. Which causes pain.
That would be a happy fun kind of torture.
> "She was tortured at least with police electric clubs and rubber
> clubs and electrified with old-style rotary telephones," wrote the
> Chinese investigator, whose name was withheld for his own
> protection.
...lest they look his name up in the phone book so they could
torture him by telephone.
-- K.
Ever torture someone by telephone? YOU WILL!!!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: sci.edu,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: movie: RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY of AP; departing Berkeley then SLC
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Tue, 12 Oct 1999 07:51:12 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In sci.edu, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc,
Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> [...]
>
> Arrived in downtown Salt Lake City 17:45 on Sunday 10Oct.
> And the downtown city was almost empty of people.
That's because all Mormons have secret radio transmitters in their
heads that alert them to duck into shelters when The Archie Alarm goes off.
> It seems as though the entire downtown SLC at that hour had only
> about 50 people in all. Mostly young kids on skateboards. And the
> streets were so very clean as though someone washed them.
They were so clean, Archie could eat his own poop off them!
That reminds me, I haven't told everyone lately about Archie's genetic
predisposition to coprophagy, and the more disgusting habit of
putting coprophagy on the first page of his autobiography:
-> I could hear my mothers voice differently, a harsh tone now,
-> and I saw her arms flinging around and she was making a fuss
-> and later in my youth I asked her about this scene and she
-> confirmed to me that I had eaten my own poop.
->
-> ["Ludwig Plutonium, The Chosen One" (1994)]
(Chosen to eat his own poop. And to keep changing his name.
'Cause whatever name the King Of Science currently has is never
respectable enough.)
> And I could not see a single litter
...try the pet store?
> or trash or beer bottles and no homeless people with their trash.
NEWS FLASH! IN SALT LAKE CITY, ALL HOMELESS PEOPLE PICK UP AFTER
THEMSELVES IN A TIDY FASHION!
> And I said to myself gee, they ought to airplane the mayors
> of the big California cities to SLC and show them how clean
> a big city can really be.
Especially if it has no people in it after the Archie Alarm sounds.
(But you should see the mess they've been making in their
Archie-proof bunkers.)
> [...discussion of a newspaper headline he saw in a vending machine,
> proving the King of Science doesn't scrimp on being well-informed...]
>
> And then after reading this newspaper headlines I walked a
> short distance and was rewarded with the beautiful frontispiece
> of the ZCMI building. The ZCMI frontispiece built sometime in
> the 1800s and is registered with the National buildings is a
> very beautiful triple decker corinthian columns made out of
> brass?
At least they're better constructed than that sentence.
> I am guessing brass. And they have put those needles all
> over the frontispiece to keep the pigeons away.
It goes under sever trade names, the most common flavor being
"Bird Barrier" (as far as my experience with bird-deflecting
spikes goes.) I think the Mormons have lines their shelters
with Archie Barrier, which is like Bird Barrier only instead of
little wire spikes sticking up, it has little signs saying
"WE HAVE NO CANDY BARS" all over it.
> It is a beautiful Greek style architecture and worth the trip
> to SLC alone.
But I thought the reason you made the trip alone was that
I'm your only friend and, let's face it, you'd sooner get me
on a bus with Pauly Shore and Fran Drescher than with you.
> I suppose the reason that SLC is so clean, so safe and so
> friendly is because of its Mormon history. And walking through
> the Tabernacle area, it was soon that I was confronted by
> two Mormon ladies wishing me a fine and happy visit of the
> Tabernacle and SLC. Such happy and friendly people.
Ah, so you hadn't told them your theory at that point.
> I recommend that all cities of the USA, of their mayors
> to airplane them out to SLC and to see how fine of a large
> city can be made in the USA, where the streets and buildings
> are clean, are safe, not a sight of trash or litter or pigeons
> or homeless or beer and wine bottles etc etc. And where
> some people go out of their way to say hello and "hope you
> have a fine visit". Perhaps SLC is the only city of any size
> in the USA that we have such niceties.
Yeah, at no other tourist attraction in the world do they attempt
to make you feel welcome.
(Wait until Archie visits Disneyland. Of course, he might get in
free when they mistake him for a little person with a big Dopey head.)
> From SLC, Monday 11Oct I headed for Rapid City, but as I
> arrived at Cheyenne and found out the bus lay-over waiting
> time was too long I decided to get to Rapid City via Omaha.
> These Greyhound Ameripass are the best transportation bargain
> in all the world, for 1.5 months I can go anywhere anytime in
> continental USA.
...and then Greyhound takes YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL!
Or, in your case, your immoral soul.
> Now I must speak a little bit about my eating for I have many
> readers who are curious as to whether my pledge to eating just
> dried split peas, lentils and rice from packages to lose weight
> is going to plan. I must report that these peas and lentils are
> too plain tasting and that in the past 3 days I have had a binge
> on ice cream bars.
STOP THE PRESSES! ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM ALMOST WENT 72 HOURS WITHOUT
A SUGAR BINGE!
> Whether I was bored while waiting for buses
> or whether I was really hungry I do not know
Hot tip: If you were eating ice cream, you were probably hungry.
If you were doing a crossword puzzle, you were probably bored.
If you were eating your own poop, you're the King of Science.
(And if you're reading this article, you're definitely bored.)
> but I have eaten 3 bars at a time of haagen daz or ben & gerrys or nestle.
3 bars at a time? End-on or sideways?
> And I felt somewhat guilty with eating them in front of other passengers
> with their small kids and so went outside and ducked away
> so as not to get the little kids crying to their mothers wanting
> a ice cream bar also.
"MOMMY MOMMY WHY CAN'T I HAVE ONE IF THE CRAZY MAN HAS ONE MOMMY!!!"
> But I have been religious about eating oranges and fruits.
Oh. Well, I guess now you can get into Fruit Heaven.
> And for a week or two I have eaten too much McDonalds
I hope you at least spit out Ronald's chewy wig and some of the
roof shingles. Did you let the customers flee before you popped
the building in your mouth? Because it would be silly if you
ate McDonalds and didn't do that.
> with their Big Breakfast and fish sandwiches and lemonade and fruit pies.
Archie likes the McDonalds fishwich because fish is brain food,
and in his case, he only eats the perfectly rectangular fish.
> So it does not look good for my planned shaving off of 10 lbs to 120 lbs.
That must have been one heavy beard! I hope you didn't clog the
sink in the McDonalds restroom. (It would be a shame if someone
messed up one of their restrooms.)
> And then those special places like the Spaghetti Factory in San Diego
Spaghetti doesn't come from a factory, you nimnul! They grow it on
a farm at the west end of Okahoma!
> or that pizza in Berkeley that, what is living for, if one cannot
> enjoy oneselve with a nice splurge.
Have a nice splurge for your next slunch.
> And I managed to get a bag of oranges before leaving Berkeley
NEWS FLASH: ARCHIE MANAGES TO GET A BAG OF ORANGES BEFORE LEAVING BERKELEY!
> and wanted to get a pint of milk and some puffed wheat
> or rice but out of those cereal and I was almost tempted into
> getting cocoa puffs but in a split minute of trying to make up my
> mind -- buy it for it is something new but then do not buy it
> after reading that it has sugar, too much sugar so I denied myself
> of cocoa puffs and am the happier for doing it.
So let's see. If Archie were to stuff his face with Cocoa Puffs
he'd tell us how much he loves Cocoa Puffs. And when he doesn't
buy Cocoa Puffs he tells us how much he enjoys not buying Cocoa Puffs.
ARCHIE IS HEREBY AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING HAPPY REGARDLESS
OF THE EXISTENCE OF COCOA PUFFS!
(I think he likes Cocoa Puffs solely because it is the only cereal
with a photo of a smiling chimp on the box. Remember how they used
to have a _cartoon_ monkey? And before that, a cartoon elephant?
Now they have a scary smiling chimp photo. And when chimps smile,
it means you're about to need stitches...)
> Have you ever felt bad about eating too much? Well, I forget
> where exactly it was, I think it was in Nevada where I stopped
> at a McDonalds and got a large lemonade, a big Mac plus a fish
> sandwich plus that new dessert of a yogurt fruit with granola on
> top plus small fries.
Did you actually order a french fry sundae, or did they just make
it that way by "accident"?
> Well, I felt stuff and should not have gotten the big Mac.
ARCHIE FELT STUFF, FILM AT 11!
> And I felt the yogurt was not worth the $1.99 and one of
> those experimental items by McDonalds that will eventually flop.
Yeah, after another ten or twenty years.
Arch, have you been in a McDonalds since they stopped having
roller-skating waitresses?
> For I think that a hagen Daz or ben& gerry ice cream bar
> at $1.99 has more value for a dessert. It is dangerous going into
> a McDonalds when very hungry and I should put some of those lentils
> or split peas into my mouth before going to McDonalds
Yeah, you should put beans in ALL your orifices just before you walk in.
> so that I walk out with something reasonable such as a fish sandwich,
> small lemonade and cherry pie. I should never eat two sandwiches.
Not even White Castles?
Oh, I forgot, you don't know of those modern foods. Arch, there's
this new chain called "White Castle"... Their restaurants are white
and look like castles, GET IT?
> So, I think when I return and weigh myself, I will be lucky if
> I lose any weight but rather be the same old 130 lbs.
Actually, it'll be physically impossible for you to be the same old 130 lbs.,
because you'll be an older old 130 lbs.
-- K.
So you're trying to
duck below that cutoff
for "Mad Scientists
Eat Free If They Weigh
Less Than Twice Their I.Q."
at The Ground Round?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 06:02:10 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
In about twenty newsgroups (one at a time),
"horfield" (horfield@netgates.co.uk) wrote:
>
> Subject: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT
With a title like that you know know it will be IMPORTANT and will be
an ANNOUNCEMENT in the same way that NBC's "AMAZING STORIES" were
AMAZING and were STORIES.
> Hi!
>
> This is Conrado, the independent controversial physicist, speaker and
> writer, and with this message I would like to first express my gratitude
> for all the attention and support that you have all offered me, and then
> bring you some important news regarding my website.
>
> Even though I still entertain the hope that this may only be a temporary
> technical failure, it seems that you are going to have to stop for now
> any possible kind initiative to recommend my old website.....
>
> http://greenfield.fortunecity.com/hunters/206
Oh, darn, there go my weekend plans. I was going to travel all up and
down the Eastern seaboard handing out leaflets telling people to look
at your Web site, whatever it is. Or was.
> ......., as my ``free`` server, fortunecity.com, perhaps under the
> pressure of some-one quite furious by the internet popularity I am
> beginning to attain, has apparently decided to remove my pages.
Whereas, if you were really UNPOPULAR, they'd encourage you to
use their services for free!
(How much of the Internet is using antimatter logic these days?)
> That`s right, if this is confirmed, then all the work which I have so
> penuriously and humbly striven to do for months may be in vain, as all
> the thousands of persons who at last had heard of my website will now
> not be able to access it, and may even have their opinion of me
> discredited as a result.
HEY! THE OPINION I'VE NEVER HAD OF YOU HAS JUST BEEN DISCREDITED BEFORE
I EVER FORMED IT! YOU MEAN PEOPLE, AT LEAST LET ME FORM MY OWN OPINION
ABOUT MAD SCIENTISTS BEFORE YOU TELL ME THEY'RE CRAZY! OR AT LEAST
PUT THE SENTENCE "CAUTION: SPOILERS!" ABOVE THE PARAGRAPH WHERE YOU
TELL ME THEY'RE CRAZY!
> As further evidence that every single one of my steps is being followed,
...would it be more efficient to just follow the even-numbered steps?
I mean, it can be safely assumed that if they know where your right
foot's been, then your left foot must have been somewhere nearby
most of the time.
> the removal of my pages has just happened in the moment that hurts me
> (and my readers) the most, after I had posted at last my announcement in
> dozens of newsgroups all over the world and people (specially University
> students and scientists) were at last rushing in.
>
> I don`t even have tears to cry anymore. I don`t know what to do.
Try rubbing salt into your eyes.
> On one hand, I am proud, because this means that my scream through the
> internet has been so Earth-shaking that it has scared the living hell
> out of them.
Dear Dyan Cannon,
The Internet is not for primal scream therapy.
Now, in K-Mart, if you were to run around screaming, I don't think
anyone would notice. They might even put you in a commercial.
> I am a clear and present threat to their sick plans, and I
> congratulate myself for that. David Icke never has had his website <
> http://www.davidicke.com > removed, after years of provoking and
> talking.
HEAVENS! PEOPLE WHO CAN TALK SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO *ALSO* USE THE WEB!
PICK ONE OR THE OTHER, PEOPLE!
> I have been muzzled in only six months. David Icke, in fact,
> has only seen the censorship, defamation and opposition against him
> really step up, when he has begun to go public with essentially the same
> ``incredible`` assertions that I have been trying to phrase recently in
> a more sound and scientific way.
Try putting double backwards quote marks around all the ``nouns``,
that'll make you sound like a ``real`` scientist.
> I hadn`t even posted all my hot and exclusive Y2K stuff on my website yet.
Maybe in a couple years?
> I, and (in his own flaky peculiar way), David, have only been trying to
> suggest that some dinosaurs may have survived the Deep meteoric Impact
> 65 million years ago and could presently be, after having crawled their
> way to tool-making and intelligence, the secret rulers and Sentinels of
> mankind from their caves and bases underground,
(tuba music played underwater by dancing bears wafts through this article)
OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH...
> and could in fact, and from the emerging horrified accounts of all the
> witnesses, be currently playing out their visceral lust for power by
> technologically or genetically impersonating the physical appearance
> of humans and infiltrating positions of power in NASA,
DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH...
> government, industry and aristocracy, pretty much in the style of
> the film ``The Arrival``.
So you're saying they're doing it in a boring way with one of the
lesser Sheens in the lead and there will be a really giggle-worthy
sequel made for one of those cable channels you have to pay extra
for if you want to see it long enough to realize how bad it is.
> Further, I had made in my various web-pages that have been removed a
> quite convincing case for the possibility that bright illustrious
> scientists like Carl Sagan (whose last name spells as the name of the
> Eastern Reptilian gods the Nagas),
AND NAGAS SMOKED TOP!!!
Hey, did you know that if you change one letter in "SAGAN" you get
"SATAN"? And if you move one letter in "SATAN" you get "SANTA"?
Unless you change it to an "I" in which case you get "SATIN"?
THIS PROVES THAT SANTA, SATAN, CARL SAGAN, AND A FEMALE PRO WRESTLER
ARE ALL THE SAME WOMAN!
> knew about all this all along, and could in fact have been part and
> parcel of the Dragons of Eden`s 4-million-year-conspiracy to keep
> mankind in the dark.
Uh, yeah. Four million years ago, Leonardo daVinci would have invented
a WORKING helicopter if it hadn't been for all those pesky dinosaurs
running around his science lab all the time.
> Arthur C. Clarke certainly does not deny this possibility
He also doesn't deny the possibility that you are made of rancid
cottage cheese molded into roughly the shape of a person with
three garbanzo beans where your eyes and brain should be.
> in his short letters to me, and perhaps this is one of the ideas
> that he and other inspired provocative science-fiction writers have
> tried to insinuate for ages.
Um, didja ever notice that the word "science-fiction" contains
a part that says "fiction"?
> Is this the real reason, then, why the Space Odyssey has not taken
> off in real life yet, because flying to the solar system would free us
> from the stealthy oppressive yoke of dinosaurs who enjoy too much being
> our secret masters? In addition to David`s, I have my own witnesses that
> attest to the gory and Reptilian, and not extraterrestrial or even
> military, nature of the most high-level negative ``UFO`` abductors and
> Illuminati mind-controllers, and some of these witnesses are ready to
> testify in court if immunity could be insured.
Oh, like vaccination would work on Illuminati.
> Further, my website contained in most of its pages, and right next to
> the plush and mandatory black ADL banner < http://www.adl.org >, a very
> commendatory link to the Christian-Patriotic newspaper ``The Spotlight``
> < http://www.spotlight.org >, where I rejected the newspaper`s apparent
> occasional sympathy towards white-supremacists and Holocaust-deniers,
> but where I also praised this paper`s courage in airing the Global
> plutocrats` most recent stealthy maneuvers and other
> politically-incorrect news which the owned and controlled mainstream
> media is so prompt to hush up.. .., even though other investigative
> gutsy mainstream newspapers outside the United States, and specially in
> England, are recently refusing to continue toeing the line, in the light
> of the European Union and other International creations of the
> plutocrats`s sinking failure to meet their promises of prosperity, and
> are beginning to expose the machinations of these cabals too, specially
> in the wake of the very popularly-watched-and-protested-against last
> Global plutocrats` ``secret`` Bilderberg meeting in Scotland.
I'm lost. Which of the dinosaurs did you say were the anti-Semitic ones,
and which of the dinosaurs are the Jewish ones?
> Every-one who has read David`s web-pages and books, or my own web-pages
> (I haven`t had the time to start my own publisher yet!),
Will you grow him from a single cell?
> knows that David and I don`t seek to instigate violence or racial hatred,
...EXCEPT TOWARDS DINOSAURS!
> and that, in fact, we love just as passionately all human races, and even
> Reptilian or extraterrestrial races (in each of which there are, as with
> the human races, both benevolent and malevolently-tempted members!), and
> we only hope that the members of all these races could love themselves
> as much as we are trying to love them, for then all this brutality in
> silken gloves, and all this blood-thirst in friendly human red-uniform,
> would end immediately.
Oh, yeah, all those dinosaurs in red shirts get vaporized but the bad
guys never even singe Kirk's hair.
IT'S A GOOD THING THERE WERE NEVER ANY EPISODES OF "STAR TREK" WITH
LIZARD PEOPLE IN THEM! Except for Majel Barrett.
> In my own case, and as a scientist, I am not equating being Reptilian to
> being evil; I am merely pointing out the possibility of R-complex
> Reptilian genetic content as a possible indicator of one`s tendency to
> fall for the kinds of behavior that have typically been considered
> negative, such as aggression, territoriality, and lust for violence and
> power; and as a result I am only attempting to generalize to
> 4-dimensional space the kind of paradigm for the understanding of human
> violence that.. .. Carl Sagan.. .. ,
"Sir, we're receiving a distress signal!"
"Let's hear it."
"DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT (pause) CARL SAGAN DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT"
"It's the Butthead Astronomer Alert!"
> betraying the extent of what he really knew, once tried to project on
> 3-dimensional space in order for his word to fit through the muzzle of
> accepted academic ``science``.
I hate those words that won't fit in a 3-dimensional Universe.
(They've got lots of those in Finnish.)
> Further, I was trying to argue superficially in my web-pages, and then
> hopefully in more depth later with my books, that Einstein`s General
> Theory of Relativity, while doubtlessly having its meritorious range of
> application, has clearly been used throughout our century,.. .. via
> Einstein`s secret liaisons with the ruling aristocratic bloodlines of
> the Russells and the Baruchs (Rothschilds).. .. , with the primary
> purpose of obscuring our understanding of the Cosmos and blocking our
> science`s breakthrough to this 4-dimensional,
> generalized-quantum-mechanical paradigm, from which The Biggest Secrets
> of our time, which include not just this Reptilian take-over attempt but
> also free energy, survival after death and even manipulation of the
> human perception of time (soon to be implemented globally at the
> Millennial juncture), would be naturally and rationally illuminated,..
YAY! GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CRACKPOT THEORIES!
> .. without one`s having to resort anymore to any of the perhaps very
> valid but, to me, quite scientifically frustrating, Satanic
> conspiracy-theories that have been put forward by the other censored and
> slurred Christian-Patriot loudmouths who have recently begun to find out
> what`s going on.
>
> American Christian-Patriots, indeed, seem to understand this whole idea
> of the stealthy Reptilian take-over of the human-race quite naturally,
> as it appears to connect with their end-times theology of mankind`s
> being now at last about to expose the existence of, and then wage the
> Final Battle against, the ``demonic`` forces that have sought to enslave
> humanity ever since ``The Fall`` by ``Satanically`` taking possession of
> the bodies of the most powerful and greedy politicians and financiers.
But if the dinosaurs are so cool and so evil, doesn't this mean that
they're the most powerful and greedy people around? That means that
the dinosaurs are possessing themselves! Ha! I have destroyed your
whole theory using a variant of Socratic questioning in which I ask
only ``stupid`` questions!
> Well, if all this is just insane wild speculation, then you would expect
> that the real cabal of Bilderberg plutocrats who factually seek to steer
> the course of the global market for their own Titanic vested interests,
> and the shadowy international industrial-military spooks who apparently
> control what the public is allowed to know about ``UFOs``, would be
> delighted by David and I`s suddenly wanting to lose our own credibility
> so quickly and make fools of ourselves, and that therefore all the heat
> from Inquisitorial Global-Elite-arms like the ADL to pursue this
> witchcraft against us would immediately end. Quite the opposite, it has
> only been NOW when the persecution against us has really heated up, and
> just as I was recovering from the shock of realizing that all the
> web-pages I had worked for so long to document and announce had suddenly
> been removed, I quickly checked David`s site <
> http://www.davidicke.com/icke/articles/100899icke.html > and realized
> that he, too, had just been a victim of a major Inquisitorial attack,
> unprecedented in his long years of talking and provoking all over the
> world, when he apparently was stopped at the Canadian border by ADL`s
> henchmen seeking to impede his arranged venue,
Canada uses evil superintelligent NASA dinosaurs as border guards?
Last time I was there they just had an orange cone sitting on the grass
next to the road that went past where the border guards would have been.
I mean, being troubled by Canadian border guards is like being beaten
up by a fried egg. I thought they let just anyone wander into Canada.
Heck, even Archie Plutonium drove his purple pickup there for a few days
before he got tired of his new house after spending a whole weekend in it.
> seemingly with more hatred in their hearts than Hitler
You don't hate with your heart! You love with your heart!
You hate with your gall bladder!
> inflaming the masses against the Jews. The immigration police inspected
> David`s books and belongings at customs, made him stay up for hours at
> night, subjecting him to invasive questions and hassles whose rightfulness
> the Civil Liberties Union has been apparently called in to investigate,
> and found in the end, to their amazement, not a single printed word that
> could add to evidence of David`s being an ``anti-Semite`` as their computer
> screen warned.
Where can I get one of those new bigot-detection computers?
You know, the ones advertised in those commercials written by Ben Stiller?
"MAW, PAW DONE SHOT UP THUH AY-OH-HELL AGAYUN!"
> The officers were surprised apparently, and the Canadian government is
> seemingly angry,
Be careful! They're going to take you to Montreal and lock you in
the Biodome! With Pauly Shore!
> but they had to let David go and give his talk, though it appears that
> the ADL and related ``anti-hate`` organizations will continue to try
> blocking further Icke venues in other ways.
>
> So I am proud to know that I and Icke have struck something that hurts
> up there, but then, on the other hand, I am just paralyzed by a mixture
> of frustration and impotence beyond belief with this sudden removal of
> my webpages. The internet was really freedom of speech`s last hope.
This is the worst "Babylon 5" opening narration ever.
> I enclose a copy of the message I have just sent to fortunecity.com.
> Let`s hope..... let`s just hope..... At least I keep this time a back-up
> copy of all my web-pages! You can demand your right to free speech by
> writing to fortunecity.com··..
>
> support@fortunecity.com
>
> ·.and reclaiming access to my site. Who knows, one day this could happen
> to you.
Yeah! I demand my right to be anti-Semitic in two countries at once!
> I again thank wholeheartedly and appreciate all your kind support, and
> will strive to keep you posted as soon as developments may happen. I
> also enclose my preferred e-mail address, as well as a few back-up
> addresses (yes, hotmail.com has also terminated without notice some of
> my addresses in the past because apparently I hadn`t used them in a
> politically-correct way),
Heck, you can't even master the correct use of the apostrophe key.
> if you would like to contact me until my website is, in some place
> or another, restored
(Hopefully your Web site will be restored someplace other than the Internet.)
> (David Icke`s web-site < http://www.davidicke.com > should be linking
> to my site as soon as it`s operational again).. .. I also enclose a
> couple of surface addresses where you should be able to reach me soon,
I'm sorry, I have trouble reaching the surface these days. The dinosaurs
who run NASA have me locked in one of their underground subterranean caverns
under the ground beneath the surface.
> if, that is, the first episode of the ``V`` TV-series does not become true
> in real life soon
...in which case, Earth's only hope will be a bad actor with an enormous
crease running down the middle of his eighties hair, and then Ted Turner
will show "The Beastmaster" five times a day for the next ten years
until pro wrestling is invented.
> and ``inconvenient`` scientists like me suddenly become the first to
> mysteriously ``disappear`` all over the world.
>
> Keep up the good work, pass the word, thanks for everything, and watch
> your shadows!
>
> Conrado Salas Cano, B.S. in Physics with honors from Cal Tech, class of
> 98.
B.S. on the Internet, too.
> Preferred e-mail address: < the-star-child@mailexcite.com >
> Back-up e-mail addresses: < v_star_child@hotmail.com ><
> the_space_odyssey_2001@hotmail.com >< chris_boardman@hotmail.com >
> Faxes (not very reliable!): (America) 1-503-6568894, (Europe)
> 34-976-374312
> U.K. Address: 51 Carlyle Rd, Greenbank, Bristol, BS5 6HQ, Phone
> 44-(0)1179-393824
> U.S.: c/o Linda Johnson, 916 Linn Ave, Oregon City, OR 97045, Phone
> 1-503-6568894
Why aren't faxes reliable? Do big scary dinosaurs eat the big roll of paper
like little cats do with little rolls of toilet paper?
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> UNTIL MY WEBSITE IS DEFINITIVELY RESTORED, I WILL STRIVE TO POST THE
> MOST IMPORTANT UPDATES ON MY NEW PROVISIONAL ``EMERGENCY`` PAGE AT: <
> http://www.dreamwater.com/conrado2/update.html > , so can stay tuned
> there, and let`s hope that they don`t remove this one! You can help me
> by linking to this ``emergency`` page. As the very Carl Sagan warned, in
> one of his many inspired good moments, ``THE SUPPRESSION OF
> UNCOMFORTABLE IDEAS MAY BE COMMON IN RELIGION AND POLITICS, BUT IT IS
> NOT THE PATH TO KNOWLEDGE, AND IT HAS NO PLACE IN THE ENDEAVOR OF
> SCIENCE`` (Cosmos, 1980)
> ----------------------------------------------------------
Cosmo Kramer said that? Did he at least fall down or do something funny
afterwards?
> ---------------COPY OF MY MESSAGE TO FORTUNECITY.COM----------------
>
> Please, sir.
>
> I hope this is only a temporary technical failure, but I can neither
> find my web-page:
>
> http://greenfield.fortunecity.com/hunters/206
>
> nor of course make any updates on it.
>
> My log-in name is:
> starchildren
>
> Please, get back to me as soon as you may be able to fix the problem and
> restore proper service.
>
> This website is most important to me, and to the millions of children
> who go missing in the world every year and who otherwise would not have
> a voice, let alone compassion and dignity, and with all the people who
> are eagerly awaiting my updates I cannot afford to have my page
> unavailable for long.
>
> Please fix this problem as soon as you can, and inform me about whether
> there could be in the near future similar temporary disruptions so I
> could properly warn my thousands of webpage visitors.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Love,
>
> Conrado.
Dear Conelrado,
Maybe you should have thought of putting up some anti-intrusion measures
that would keep dinosaurs from looking at your Web page. Maybe like
one of those forms where you have to click a little button that says
"YES, I AM A HUMAN!" and then ask them a question that every human
would know the answer to, like, "Who killed O.J.'s wife?"
> P.S.: I hope, I HOPE, I hope, that this may not respond to any
> ``higher`` order to remove my ``inconvenient`` site. My inconvenient
> site, as you have been able to see for months, and as I could prove to
> you again with the back-up copy of my various pages, does not seek to
> disseminate racial hatred or slander, but even if it did, I kindly
> remind you that this country still enjoys Constitutionally-protected
> freedom of speech. Of course I hope that this remark will be out of
> place and that the problem may only be a temporary technical failure.
A remark be out of place? On the Internet? That'll be the day.
-- K.
Please post the addresses of more
Web pages that don't exist.
Here's one to start:
hptt\\:``com.com-diapers.phlegm\pez.com2000
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Interesting observation or observation-like comment.
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:23:47 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
My apartment has a pleasant floral smell at the moment because the
bitter gourd vine is feeling its oats.
This is an odd plant because it smells like roses if you leave it
alone, but if you touch it, it releases clouds of deadly bitter
gourd vapor that smells sort of like burning brussel sprouts.
If you pick off a leaf or break a tendril or something, the smell
comes out in waves so thick you can practically see them.
Even if you just handle it without breaking its skin, it still
stinks. But if you leave it alone it smells like roses.
-- K.
And it still won't make
any gourds. Just lots of
flowers that smell the
opposite of the way the
rest of the plant smells.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Y1D bug
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:42:15 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
Dan Collins (dcollins@macroent.com) wrote:
>
> Can you imagine if computers were invented back in like, 1901, and all the
> programmers would have been freaking out because 1910 was coming up and all
> their dates had been stored as single digits! Oh man, that would suck
> because Y1D just doesn't sound as good as Y2K. Timing is everything in show
> business and computer programming now.
I always liked how some checkbooks would say "197_" for the year because
people are so lazy that they only want to write one digit before they write
the "EXACTLY THREE HUNDRED FIFTY-EIGHT DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE CENTS" part.
Of course, this meant that those checks could only be passed in the
years 197, 1970 to 1979, and 19700 to 19799. (But not 197000, because
the blanks weren't long enough for that date no matter how many times
I tried to squeeze it in.)
After the mid-seventies they started making checkbooks that would last more
than a few years and said "19__", and then Y2K came and RUINED MY CHECKBOOK!
Soon, of course, checks will be made out of interactive Java-based
"smart ink" printed on electrical paper, so you'll just use your
fingertip to double-click on the little "19/20" popup and then type
in the remaining two digits with the keyboard that's implanted in
the back of your other hand, which is working the mouse that's in
the wearable computer in your underwear. Assuming your underwear
is still wearable that far in the future.
-- K.
IN THE FUTURE, UNDERWEAR
WILL COME IN A SQUEEZE TUBE!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Pet Peeve Diatribe #38
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:51:36 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> I hate how Marcel Marceau has tried to commercialize mime by "dumbing it
> down" for mass consumption.
If I didn't know you better, I'd think you were being silly!
> True mime has -- historically -- been a relatively high-brow intellectual
> pursuit,
AND WHY DO THEY CALL IT "PANTOMIME" WHEN THEY WEAR TIGHTS? TIGHTS AREN'T
PANTS! REAL MEN WEAR PANTS! AND WHAT'S WITH THAT AIRLINE FOOD?
> and it is ridiculous that the average layperson should be expected to
> understand the Noh theatre-like subtleties inherent in the medium.
I like Bunraku because it's like Punch & Judy without the violence.
Or a Sid & Marty Krofft show without the hallucinatory imagery.
> How can your typical Joe or Josephine, fresh off the bus from Duhville,
> be expected to watch a mime performance and be inherently capable of
> differentiating between the moments in which the artist is "avoiding noise"
> versus the times he is actively "creating silence"?
>
> "Walking against the wind" indeed! Does Marceau even recognize the
> historical origins of the "Walking against the wind" scenario, and how it
> originates in the Platonic ideal of an irresistible force?
>
> I realize (and lament) that gone are days of the great mimes, when La
> Fontaine, Chiraz and Grigio would sit on an empty stage and discuss the
> meaning of 'self' in a post-theocratic world. My God! The flurry of
> hands, the exaggerated moues, the skin-tight clothing that had resonance,
> had significance, not just as an article of clothing but as a personal
> *statement*...
What I hate is that the mimes these days have product-placement patches
for various consumer goods all over their leotards. Marcel Marceau has
a Catterpillar Tractor logo on his butt!
> But who would have thought that things would have degenerated to the point
> where a hack like Marceau can take this /very/ conversation and pretend it
> was somehow *just* about being trapped inside a box made of glass? True,
> the "glass box" theory was relevant as a metaphor about the illusion of
> free will, but to somehow surgically amputate this *minor* point of
> discussion and build an irrelevant scene around it, without even
> considering the philosophical context in which it was created... well,
> that's just irresponsible. Amateur mimes could be injured, perhaps even
> permanently crippled, if they attempt to "go down the moving escalator"
> without understanding the wider implications from the perspective of
> Cartesian rationalism.
>
> The mere suggestion that Marceau intends to create a mime "for the people"
> is an insult to anyone who has ever worn a black and white stripey shirt
> and facepaint. Personally, I vow to never again attend one of his
> laughably execrable "shows", and I suggest you all do the same.
But he got a box around his name in the opening credits of Jerry Lewis's
"Smorgasbord", and he was much funnier than Jerry Lewis, simply because
he never appeared in the movie at all. Of course, discovering fungus
growing on your pet is funnier than Jerry Lewis.
-- K.
The fungus has better
comic timing.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Serious Public Health Information!!
Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons
Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 08:00:26 GMT
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
"Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote:
>
> Since SO many of the men in this group have privately told me of
> their erectile dysfunction, I present important news that may help you
> with your often embarrassing plight.
>
> > BOSTON (Reuters) A ladies man
> > suffering from a lackluster libido may want
> > to lay off the licorice. Three Italian doctors
> > warn in a letter published in Thursday's
> > New England Journal of Medicine that
> > glycyrrhizic acid, the active ingredient in
> > licorice, suppressed sex hormone levels in
> > seven men in their 20s.
Which was all the more amazing because the sex doctors
only fed the licorice to one guy who was in his 40s!
Then they X-rayed him and it damaged his children,
who were away at college.
> > Extracts of licorice root are a widely used
> > flavoring agents found in breath
> > fresheners and candy.
Especially the kind of candy that tastes bad.
Also, enormous quantities of licorice are found in
all Stella D'Oro pastries, and Charlie Chaplin's shoe.
> > "The amounts of licorice given to these
> > men are eaten by many people," they
> > said. "Thus, men with decreased libido or
> > other sexual dysfunction ...should be
> > questioned about licorice ingestion."
>
> STEP AWAY FROM THE TWIZZLERS!!
Wasn't "THE TWIZZLERS" that unaired game-show pilot hosted
by David Letterman back when he had long hair?
-- K.
Fun fact: Not only did Chaplin eat
a shoe made of licorice, but Harpo
ate a telephone made of licorice
live on stage every night, except
the night that bastard Groucho replaced
it with a telephone made of dog doo.
I know it's true because I heard
it in a college class.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.game-shows
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Albert Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 04:09:38 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
I don't know why my literature keeps getting rejected by prestigious
literary journals like "TV Guide". Well, here's the latest masterpiece.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame
by James "Kibo" Parry
Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry
It was that time of day again.
Gene Rayburn made a clever entrance by walking onto the stage from the
left instead of the right this time. His three-foot-long, hair-thin
microphone was hard to see against his plaid jacket, but nobody was
looking at it anyway because they were are staring at the bony ridge
where his forehead should have evolved. He grinned into the camera as
he prepared to crank out another episode. With Nipsey Russell!
Brett Somers! Gary Burghoff! Charles Nelson Reilly! Richard Dawson!
And Fannie Flagg! Here on the star-studded, big-money "Match Game '74"!
Gene waved his microphone, fascinated by the shiny silver part. He
liked it better than the red lights across the room. Red lights
looked like fire and fire hurt! Fire burn Rayburn! "Rrr! Welcome to
Match Game '74! I'm your host, Gene Rayburn, and this is our panel of
wonderful celebrities!" (Brett Somers yelled "Kiss my grits!") "Now,
let's meet our new contestant..."
A large turntable slowly revolved, bringing a vacant-looking man with
wild hair into view. The show's dressers had placed him in a
salmon-pink jacket with enormous lapels to make him look hip. Gene
waved the microphone in his general direction. "...Albert Einstein!
Dr. Einstein, is this your first time here on 'Match Game'?"
"Gene, I think so."
"Ha ha ha! Very funny. But not as funny as our celebrity panelists!
And with that, let's get started." He pushed a hidden four-inch-wide
bright red button sticking out of the front of the gameboard, and
something akin to a powder-blue toaster slowly rose out of the desk,
with two slots marked 'A' and 'B'. "Dr. Einstein, 'A' or 'B'?"
"What's the question?"
"Do you want 'A' or 'B'?"
"'B', please."
Gene pulled a blue index card from the slot and read it aloud. "Dumb
Donald was SO dumb..." (the audience shouted "HOW DUMB WAS HE?" a few
seconds later.) "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet
was for BLANK!"
The studio audience laughed, then two bars of disco music played over
and over while the celebrities used really loud magic markers so that
you could hear them drawing some "W"s plus twice as many "E"s and a
few hyphens on blue index cards. They all put their cards into the
special slots where a sensor told a stagehand to flip the switch that
turned on the lights on the front of their desks indicating that their
cards were in the special slots.
Gene Rayburn leaned over Albert Einstein. "Dumb Donald was so dumb,
he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK. How do you fill in the
blank?"
Einstein thought for a moment and said, "...he didn't know the toilet
was for... EVERYONE." There were scattered boos from the audience,
largely masked by the laugh track.
Gene shook his head. "I don't know, Dr. Einstein, I think the
audience just might disagree with you. But I could be wrong, unlikely
as it may seem. Let's find out what our talented celebrity panel put
down for their answer."
Nipsey Russell said, "I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely
as / WEE-WEE!" and held up a blue card that said "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer
sounded.
Brett Somers said, "I had trouble with this one. First I thought
about 'DRINKING'. But then I said... WEE-WEE!'" A buzzer sounded.
Gary Burghoff held up a card that said "WEE-WEE!" and he said
"WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. It seemed to be getting louder. And
the studio lights were getting hotter. Einstein started to wonder if
he wasn't doing so well so far.
Charles Nelson Reilly puffed on his unlit pipe for a moment before
saying, "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded.
Richard Dawson scratched his mustache, which was dwarfed by his
enormous mutton-chop sideburns and Beatle haircut, and said, "Well,
I'm from England. Over there we're too polite to say 'WEE-WEE!' So,
I just said 'WEE!'" Half a buzzer sounded. Then the other half.
Fannie Flagg, wearing a sweater decorated with red sequins in the
shape of a lobster, held up a 'WEE-WEE!' card upside-down. A buzzer
sounded for a long time. The camera zoomed in on the big zero on the
front of Einstein's little stucco contestant desk as the celebrities
glowered down from their sextuple pulpit.
Gene Rayburn shook his head sadly. "I'm so sorry you're not doing
well, Dr. Einstein, in spite of your perfectly intelligent answer.
But perhaps you'll do better if you give a good answer to this next
question. 'A' or 'B'?"
Einstein thought about this problem again, eventually concluding that
the value of 'B' was greater than 'A'. Gene pulled another card out
of the 'B' slot and read it aloud. "Did you hear about the tse-tse
mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a keg of
beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK."
The audience laughed at the incredibly clever yet completely obvious
punchline as the disco music repeated like an ice-cream truck jingle
composed by Philip Glass, while the celebrities drew "W"s and "E"s on
new, different blue cards.
"Dr. Einstein, what is your answer to this -- Did you hear about the
tse-tse mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a
keg of beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK."
"Horsefly, Gene."
"Is that an answer?" He looked over at the judges who had lit up the
"YES, THAT IS AN ANSWER, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT" sign.
Of course, all six celebrities said "WEE-WEE" (except for Nipsey
Russell, who said "Float like a butterfly / Sting like a WEE-WEE!")
and Einstein again received six buzzers, one zero, and assorted boos
from the simulated audience.
Einstein picked "B" again, because "Match Game '74" contestants were
always required to pick "B". The third question was even worse,
especially as Gene Rayburn read it aloud in his atrocious Marlon
Brando impression. "The Godfather said, 'Usually when I rub out (that
means kill) a guy he "sleeps with the fishes". Today I killed the
Ty-D-Bol Man and now he's sleeping in the BLANK.'" Naturally Einstein
said "doghouse" and everyone else yelled "WEE-WEE!" (Nipsey Russell
said, "My country 'tis of thee / Sweet land of WEE-WEE!")
Einstein was now thoroughly humiliated by his inability to guess the
punchline of lame jokes where the punchline was always "WEE-WEE!" He
scratched his head and then it dawned on him. "Match Game '74"
contained "adult language", according to "TV Guide"! But what had
tripped him up was that he hadn't realized it also contained bathroom
humor suitable for toddlers everywhere! The correct answer was always
"WEE-WEE!" and from now on, Albert Einstein would keep saying
"WEE-WEE!"
Gene Rayburn pulled the fourth, and final question, out of slot "B".
"At that new restaurant, 'Dracula's Castle', they have quite a bar.
The Bloody Marys are made with real BLANK."
Einstein thought about this perplexing question for a while and
decided to go with his gut instinct. He jumped on top of the glittery
little desk and waved his arms while shouting "WEE-WEE! WEE-WEE!
WEEEEE-WEEEEEEE!!!!"
Everyone said "BLOOD!". Nipsey Russell's blue card said, "In fourteen
ninety-two / Columbus sailed the ocean BLOO-D." Einstein was shamed
and disgraced by finishing the entire game with a zero score, lower
than any of the toddlers playing along at home! The word "STUPID" was
flashed on the screen in front of Einstein's face as the members of
the canned studio audience turned to each other and loudly whispered,
"EINSTEIN IS A BOZO!" (Fortunately, the audio engineer's console had
a button for that.)
"YOU SHOULDN'TA SAID 'WEE-WEE!'" yelled Charles Nelson Reilly. Gary
Burghoff wadded up his blue card and threw it at Einstein, momentarily
forgetting to keep one hand under the desk at all times when he hurled
it with his bad hand. Fannie Flagg demonstrated her Southern
hospitality by waiting until the camera was not pointed at her to give
Einstein the finger.
Gene Rayburn began to say something about Einstein being a perfect
loser with a perfect score of perfectly nothing, but then he was
momentarily distracted because the judges were yelling something at
him. "What? Oh. Dr. Einstein, the judges inform me that you
actually won, because we forgot to have another contestant for you to
compete against. (sigh) I guess you WILL go on to the SuperMatch
bonus round, darn it to heck!"
Einstein jumped out of his seat as the turntable began to revolve
under him. He narrowly avoided being crushed as the "SuperMatch" game
board came out where his little desk had been. To make him pay
attention, Gene rapped him on the head with his lanky microphone. "We
polled 100 members of our studio audience, and the top three
hexadecimal values returned by it -- I mean, the top three answers
that they said -- are on the board. If you match the top answer,
you'll win $500. The second answer is worth $250, the third one $100,
and below that you're an idiot. You can ask three of these charming
celebrities for help. Here's what you're trying to match:
'WEE-BLANK'."
Einstein shaded his eyes from the hot studio lights with one hand and
pointed in the general direction of a celebrity with the other. "I'd
like Richard Dawson to help me, Gene."
Mr. Dawson idly scratched his fluffy mustache and said oh-so-casually,
"Well, as you know, I am from England. And over there we're very well
educated compared to you Yanks. We even have to memorize your
Declaration of Independence, even though it had no bearing on our
history. 'WEE-hold these truths to be self-evident.'"
Gene Rayburn smiled at his fellow game show host. "Okay, Dr.
Einstein, you have one perfectly good answer. You can task two more
celebrities for their suggestions."
"Um... Brett Somers? She's a celebrity, right?"
When the camera cut to her, she pulled her enormous sunglasses down
from her forehead to shield her eyes from the imaginary rays coming
out of the camera. "I resent that remark! I am a celebrity, just
like my husband, Jack Klugman! And after serious consideration, I've
come up with the most perfect answer possible... 'WEE-kend!'"
Gene put an arm around Einstein to suggest an easy rapport with even
the stupidest contestants. "You can choose one last celebrity."
"Ah... um... I'll take Gary Burghoff to block."
Gary Burghoff scrunched down in his seat to pretend he was short, and
sang in a high-pitched voice, "WEEEEEEE-represent the Lollipop Guild,
the Lollipop Guild..." The canned applause kicked in when he got to
the second "Lollipop Guild", because it wasn't funny until then.
The camera pulled back to reveal Gene holding Einstein by the
shoulders to keep him pointed at the panel of witty celebrities.
"Now, Dr. Einstein, you've got three great suggestions for
'WEE-BLANK': 'WEE hold these truths,' 'WEE-kend,' and 'WEE represent
the Lollipop Guild.' You can pick any of those three, or, if you
dare, choose an answer of your own."
Einstein thought about it. He wanted to say 'WEE-WEE' but he wasn't
sure if the rules allowed him to come up with his own answer using his
own brain and not that of Brett Somers. None of the other contestants
throughout the history of "Match Game '74" had ever done that. And
Gene Rayburn only said once per show that it was allowed. So Einstein
said, "WEE-kend!"
"ALL RIGHT!" yelled Gene Rayburn directly into Einstein's ear, "LET'S
SEE WHAT THE $100 ANSWER WAS!" A hidden stagehand (permanently sealed
into the gameboard) slid back the "$100" card to reveal "WEE REPRESENT
THE LOLLIPOP GUILD," except "LOLLIPOP" was spelled with only two L's.
And they were together. (This typographical error would have been
grounds for disallowing anything Einstein said that wasn't spelled
that way, just to make it easier to rig the game.)
"AND NOW LET'S SEE THE $250 ANSWER!" Another card was pulled back to
reveal "WEE HOLD THESE TRUTHS."
"AND NOW... WE'RE ABOUT TO REVEAL THE $500 ANSWER! THE TOP ANSWER!
WE'RE GOING TO REVEAL IT..." (The spotlight on Einstein turned a
sickly orange to make him look pale and emaciated) "...RIGHT AFTER
THESE COMMERCIALS!" (There were some commercials.) "AND THE $500
ANSWER... AT THE TOP OF THIS BOARD... BEHIND THAT SLIDING CUTOUT
THING... PRINTED IN ENGLISH... IS..."
"WEE-WEE!"
The spotlight on Einstein focused a narrow beam into the top of his
thinning hair to make him look balder. The celebrities stormed down
from their seats and began kicking Einstein and jabbing him with their
black Magic Markers. Gene Rayburn shoved the tip of his microphone
into Einstein's ear from across the room. The simulated audience
threw beer bottles (it was a modified tennis-ball machine.) Fannie
Flagg, JoAnn Pflug, and JoAnne Worley took off their clothes. Paul
Lynde ran onto the stage and kissed Charles Nelson Reilly as the set
burst into flames. And the announcer, Gene Wood, politely but firmly
informed Einstein that he had won a ten-year supply of Stupid-Roni,
the pasta dish for stupid people. Then "Match Game '74" was cancelled
forever.
Fortunately, Gene Rayburn got a job the next day, hosting "Match Game
'75". In fact, he kept hosting "Match Game" variants for the next
twenty years until Bill Gates sued for copyright infringement. Then
Mr. Rayburn went back to his cave.
THE END
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I apologize for forgetting to work Potsie into this story.
-- K.
Potsie was rejected
because he was actually
still popular in '74.