Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 06:02:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In about twenty newsgroups (one at a time), "horfield" (horfield@netgates.co.uk) wrote: > > Subject: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT With a title like that you know know it will be IMPORTANT and will be an ANNOUNCEMENT in the same way that NBC's "AMAZING STORIES" were AMAZING and were STORIES. > Hi! > > This is Conrado, the independent controversial physicist, speaker and > writer, and with this message I would like to first express my gratitude > for all the attention and support that you have all offered me, and then > bring you some important news regarding my website. > > Even though I still entertain the hope that this may only be a temporary > technical failure, it seems that you are going to have to stop for now > any possible kind initiative to recommend my old website..... > > http://greenfield.fortunecity.com/hunters/206 Oh, darn, there go my weekend plans. I was going to travel all up and down the Eastern seaboard handing out leaflets telling people to look at your Web site, whatever it is. Or was. > ......., as my ``free`` server, fortunecity.com, perhaps under the > pressure of some-one quite furious by the internet popularity I am > beginning to attain, has apparently decided to remove my pages. Whereas, if you were really UNPOPULAR, they'd encourage you to use their services for free! (How much of the Internet is using antimatter logic these days?) > That`s right, if this is confirmed, then all the work which I have so > penuriously and humbly striven to do for months may be in vain, as all > the thousands of persons who at last had heard of my website will now > not be able to access it, and may even have their opinion of me > discredited as a result. HEY! THE OPINION I'VE NEVER HAD OF YOU HAS JUST BEEN DISCREDITED BEFORE I EVER FORMED IT! YOU MEAN PEOPLE, AT LEAST LET ME FORM MY OWN OPINION ABOUT MAD SCIENTISTS BEFORE YOU TELL ME THEY'RE CRAZY! OR AT LEAST PUT THE SENTENCE "CAUTION: SPOILERS!" ABOVE THE PARAGRAPH WHERE YOU TELL ME THEY'RE CRAZY! > As further evidence that every single one of my steps is being followed, ...would it be more efficient to just follow the even-numbered steps? I mean, it can be safely assumed that if they know where your right foot's been, then your left foot must have been somewhere nearby most of the time. > the removal of my pages has just happened in the moment that hurts me > (and my readers) the most, after I had posted at last my announcement in > dozens of newsgroups all over the world and people (specially University > students and scientists) were at last rushing in. > > I don`t even have tears to cry anymore. I don`t know what to do. Try rubbing salt into your eyes. > On one hand, I am proud, because this means that my scream through the > internet has been so Earth-shaking that it has scared the living hell > out of them. Dear Dyan Cannon, The Internet is not for primal scream therapy. Now, in K-Mart, if you were to run around screaming, I don't think anyone would notice. They might even put you in a commercial. > I am a clear and present threat to their sick plans, and I > congratulate myself for that. David Icke never has had his website < > http://www.davidicke.com > removed, after years of provoking and > talking. HEAVENS! PEOPLE WHO CAN TALK SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO *ALSO* USE THE WEB! PICK ONE OR THE OTHER, PEOPLE! > I have been muzzled in only six months. David Icke, in fact, > has only seen the censorship, defamation and opposition against him > really step up, when he has begun to go public with essentially the same > ``incredible`` assertions that I have been trying to phrase recently in > a more sound and scientific way. Try putting double backwards quote marks around all the ``nouns``, that'll make you sound like a ``real`` scientist. > I hadn`t even posted all my hot and exclusive Y2K stuff on my website yet. Maybe in a couple years? > I, and (in his own flaky peculiar way), David, have only been trying to > suggest that some dinosaurs may have survived the Deep meteoric Impact > 65 million years ago and could presently be, after having crawled their > way to tool-making and intelligence, the secret rulers and Sentinels of > mankind from their caves and bases underground, (tuba music played underwater by dancing bears wafts through this article) OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH... > and could in fact, and from the emerging horrified accounts of all the > witnesses, be currently playing out their visceral lust for power by > technologically or genetically impersonating the physical appearance > of humans and infiltrating positions of power in NASA, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH... > government, industry and aristocracy, pretty much in the style of > the film ``The Arrival``. So you're saying they're doing it in a boring way with one of the lesser Sheens in the lead and there will be a really giggle-worthy sequel made for one of those cable channels you have to pay extra for if you want to see it long enough to realize how bad it is. > Further, I had made in my various web-pages that have been removed a > quite convincing case for the possibility that bright illustrious > scientists like Carl Sagan (whose last name spells as the name of the > Eastern Reptilian gods the Nagas), AND NAGAS SMOKED TOP!!! Hey, did you know that if you change one letter in "SAGAN" you get "SATAN"? And if you move one letter in "SATAN" you get "SANTA"? Unless you change it to an "I" in which case you get "SATIN"? THIS PROVES THAT SANTA, SATAN, CARL SAGAN, AND A FEMALE PRO WRESTLER ARE ALL THE SAME WOMAN! > knew about all this all along, and could in fact have been part and > parcel of the Dragons of Eden`s 4-million-year-conspiracy to keep > mankind in the dark. Uh, yeah. Four million years ago, Leonardo daVinci would have invented a WORKING helicopter if it hadn't been for all those pesky dinosaurs running around his science lab all the time. > Arthur C. Clarke certainly does not deny this possibility He also doesn't deny the possibility that you are made of rancid cottage cheese molded into roughly the shape of a person with three garbanzo beans where your eyes and brain should be. > in his short letters to me, and perhaps this is one of the ideas > that he and other inspired provocative science-fiction writers have > tried to insinuate for ages. Um, didja ever notice that the word "science-fiction" contains a part that says "fiction"? > Is this the real reason, then, why the Space Odyssey has not taken > off in real life yet, because flying to the solar system would free us > from the stealthy oppressive yoke of dinosaurs who enjoy too much being > our secret masters? In addition to David`s, I have my own witnesses that > attest to the gory and Reptilian, and not extraterrestrial or even > military, nature of the most high-level negative ``UFO`` abductors and > Illuminati mind-controllers, and some of these witnesses are ready to > testify in court if immunity could be insured. Oh, like vaccination would work on Illuminati. > Further, my website contained in most of its pages, and right next to > the plush and mandatory black ADL banner < http://www.adl.org >, a very > commendatory link to the Christian-Patriotic newspaper ``The Spotlight`` > < http://www.spotlight.org >, where I rejected the newspaper`s apparent > occasional sympathy towards white-supremacists and Holocaust-deniers, > but where I also praised this paper`s courage in airing the Global > plutocrats` most recent stealthy maneuvers and other > politically-incorrect news which the owned and controlled mainstream > media is so prompt to hush up.. .., even though other investigative > gutsy mainstream newspapers outside the United States, and specially in > England, are recently refusing to continue toeing the line, in the light > of the European Union and other International creations of the > plutocrats`s sinking failure to meet their promises of prosperity, and > are beginning to expose the machinations of these cabals too, specially > in the wake of the very popularly-watched-and-protested-against last > Global plutocrats` ``secret`` Bilderberg meeting in Scotland. I'm lost. Which of the dinosaurs did you say were the anti-Semitic ones, and which of the dinosaurs are the Jewish ones? > Every-one who has read David`s web-pages and books, or my own web-pages > (I haven`t had the time to start my own publisher yet!), Will you grow him from a single cell? > knows that David and I don`t seek to instigate violence or racial hatred, ...EXCEPT TOWARDS DINOSAURS! > and that, in fact, we love just as passionately all human races, and even > Reptilian or extraterrestrial races (in each of which there are, as with > the human races, both benevolent and malevolently-tempted members!), and > we only hope that the members of all these races could love themselves > as much as we are trying to love them, for then all this brutality in > silken gloves, and all this blood-thirst in friendly human red-uniform, > would end immediately. Oh, yeah, all those dinosaurs in red shirts get vaporized but the bad guys never even singe Kirk's hair. IT'S A GOOD THING THERE WERE NEVER ANY EPISODES OF "STAR TREK" WITH LIZARD PEOPLE IN THEM! Except for Majel Barrett. > In my own case, and as a scientist, I am not equating being Reptilian to > being evil; I am merely pointing out the possibility of R-complex > Reptilian genetic content as a possible indicator of one`s tendency to > fall for the kinds of behavior that have typically been considered > negative, such as aggression, territoriality, and lust for violence and > power; and as a result I am only attempting to generalize to > 4-dimensional space the kind of paradigm for the understanding of human > violence that.. .. Carl Sagan.. .. , "Sir, we're receiving a distress signal!" "Let's hear it." "DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT (pause) CARL SAGAN DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT" "It's the Butthead Astronomer Alert!" > betraying the extent of what he really knew, once tried to project on > 3-dimensional space in order for his word to fit through the muzzle of > accepted academic ``science``. I hate those words that won't fit in a 3-dimensional Universe. (They've got lots of those in Finnish.) > Further, I was trying to argue superficially in my web-pages, and then > hopefully in more depth later with my books, that Einstein`s General > Theory of Relativity, while doubtlessly having its meritorious range of > application, has clearly been used throughout our century,.. .. via > Einstein`s secret liaisons with the ruling aristocratic bloodlines of > the Russells and the Baruchs (Rothschilds).. .. , with the primary > purpose of obscuring our understanding of the Cosmos and blocking our > science`s breakthrough to this 4-dimensional, > generalized-quantum-mechanical paradigm, from which The Biggest Secrets > of our time, which include not just this Reptilian take-over attempt but > also free energy, survival after death and even manipulation of the > human perception of time (soon to be implemented globally at the > Millennial juncture), would be naturally and rationally illuminated,.. YAY! GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CRACKPOT THEORIES! > .. without one`s having to resort anymore to any of the perhaps very > valid but, to me, quite scientifically frustrating, Satanic > conspiracy-theories that have been put forward by the other censored and > slurred Christian-Patriot loudmouths who have recently begun to find out > what`s going on. > > American Christian-Patriots, indeed, seem to understand this whole idea > of the stealthy Reptilian take-over of the human-race quite naturally, > as it appears to connect with their end-times theology of mankind`s > being now at last about to expose the existence of, and then wage the > Final Battle against, the ``demonic`` forces that have sought to enslave > humanity ever since ``The Fall`` by ``Satanically`` taking possession of > the bodies of the most powerful and greedy politicians and financiers. But if the dinosaurs are so cool and so evil, doesn't this mean that they're the most powerful and greedy people around? That means that the dinosaurs are possessing themselves! Ha! I have destroyed your whole theory using a variant of Socratic questioning in which I ask only ``stupid`` questions! > Well, if all this is just insane wild speculation, then you would expect > that the real cabal of Bilderberg plutocrats who factually seek to steer > the course of the global market for their own Titanic vested interests, > and the shadowy international industrial-military spooks who apparently > control what the public is allowed to know about ``UFOs``, would be > delighted by David and I`s suddenly wanting to lose our own credibility > so quickly and make fools of ourselves, and that therefore all the heat > from Inquisitorial Global-Elite-arms like the ADL to pursue this > witchcraft against us would immediately end. Quite the opposite, it has > only been NOW when the persecution against us has really heated up, and > just as I was recovering from the shock of realizing that all the > web-pages I had worked for so long to document and announce had suddenly > been removed, I quickly checked David`s site < > http://www.davidicke.com/icke/articles/100899icke.html > and realized > that he, too, had just been a victim of a major Inquisitorial attack, > unprecedented in his long years of talking and provoking all over the > world, when he apparently was stopped at the Canadian border by ADL`s > henchmen seeking to impede his arranged venue, Canada uses evil superintelligent NASA dinosaurs as border guards? Last time I was there they just had an orange cone sitting on the grass next to the road that went past where the border guards would have been. I mean, being troubled by Canadian border guards is like being beaten up by a fried egg. I thought they let just anyone wander into Canada. Heck, even Archie Plutonium drove his purple pickup there for a few days before he got tired of his new house after spending a whole weekend in it. > seemingly with more hatred in their hearts than Hitler You don't hate with your heart! You love with your heart! You hate with your gall bladder! > inflaming the masses against the Jews. The immigration police inspected > David`s books and belongings at customs, made him stay up for hours at > night, subjecting him to invasive questions and hassles whose rightfulness > the Civil Liberties Union has been apparently called in to investigate, > and found in the end, to their amazement, not a single printed word that > could add to evidence of David`s being an ``anti-Semite`` as their computer > screen warned. Where can I get one of those new bigot-detection computers? You know, the ones advertised in those commercials written by Ben Stiller? "MAW, PAW DONE SHOT UP THUH AY-OH-HELL AGAYUN!" > The officers were surprised apparently, and the Canadian government is > seemingly angry, Be careful! They're going to take you to Montreal and lock you in the Biodome! With Pauly Shore! > but they had to let David go and give his talk, though it appears that > the ADL and related ``anti-hate`` organizations will continue to try > blocking further Icke venues in other ways. > > So I am proud to know that I and Icke have struck something that hurts > up there, but then, on the other hand, I am just paralyzed by a mixture > of frustration and impotence beyond belief with this sudden removal of > my webpages. The internet was really freedom of speech`s last hope. This is the worst "Babylon 5" opening narration ever. > I enclose a copy of the message I have just sent to fortunecity.com. > Let`s hope..... let`s just hope..... At least I keep this time a back-up > copy of all my web-pages! You can demand your right to free speech by > writing to fortunecity.com··.. > > support@fortunecity.com > > ·.and reclaiming access to my site. Who knows, one day this could happen > to you. Yeah! I demand my right to be anti-Semitic in two countries at once! > I again thank wholeheartedly and appreciate all your kind support, and > will strive to keep you posted as soon as developments may happen. I > also enclose my preferred e-mail address, as well as a few back-up > addresses (yes, hotmail.com has also terminated without notice some of > my addresses in the past because apparently I hadn`t used them in a > politically-correct way), Heck, you can't even master the correct use of the apostrophe key. > if you would like to contact me until my website is, in some place > or another, restored (Hopefully your Web site will be restored someplace other than the Internet.) > (David Icke`s web-site < http://www.davidicke.com > should be linking > to my site as soon as it`s operational again).. .. I also enclose a > couple of surface addresses where you should be able to reach me soon, I'm sorry, I have trouble reaching the surface these days. The dinosaurs who run NASA have me locked in one of their underground subterranean caverns under the ground beneath the surface. > if, that is, the first episode of the ``V`` TV-series does not become true > in real life soon ...in which case, Earth's only hope will be a bad actor with an enormous crease running down the middle of his eighties hair, and then Ted Turner will show "The Beastmaster" five times a day for the next ten years until pro wrestling is invented. > and ``inconvenient`` scientists like me suddenly become the first to > mysteriously ``disappear`` all over the world. > > Keep up the good work, pass the word, thanks for everything, and watch > your shadows! > > Conrado Salas Cano, B.S. in Physics with honors from Cal Tech, class of > 98. B.S. on the Internet, too. > Preferred e-mail address: < the-star-child@mailexcite.com > > Back-up e-mail addresses: < v_star_child@hotmail.com >< > the_space_odyssey_2001@hotmail.com >< chris_boardman@hotmail.com > > Faxes (not very reliable!): (America) 1-503-6568894, (Europe) > 34-976-374312 > U.K. Address: 51 Carlyle Rd, Greenbank, Bristol, BS5 6HQ, Phone > 44-(0)1179-393824 > U.S.: c/o Linda Johnson, 916 Linn Ave, Oregon City, OR 97045, Phone > 1-503-6568894 Why aren't faxes reliable? Do big scary dinosaurs eat the big roll of paper like little cats do with little rolls of toilet paper? > ----------------------------------------------------------- > UNTIL MY WEBSITE IS DEFINITIVELY RESTORED, I WILL STRIVE TO POST THE > MOST IMPORTANT UPDATES ON MY NEW PROVISIONAL ``EMERGENCY`` PAGE AT: < > http://www.dreamwater.com/conrado2/update.html > , so can stay tuned > there, and let`s hope that they don`t remove this one! You can help me > by linking to this ``emergency`` page. As the very Carl Sagan warned, in > one of his many inspired good moments, ``THE SUPPRESSION OF > UNCOMFORTABLE IDEAS MAY BE COMMON IN RELIGION AND POLITICS, BUT IT IS > NOT THE PATH TO KNOWLEDGE, AND IT HAS NO PLACE IN THE ENDEAVOR OF > SCIENCE`` (Cosmos, 1980) > ---------------------------------------------------------- Cosmo Kramer said that? Did he at least fall down or do something funny afterwards? > ---------------COPY OF MY MESSAGE TO FORTUNECITY.COM---------------- > > Please, sir. > > I hope this is only a temporary technical failure, but I can neither > find my web-page: > > http://greenfield.fortunecity.com/hunters/206 > > nor of course make any updates on it. > > My log-in name is: > starchildren > > Please, get back to me as soon as you may be able to fix the problem and > restore proper service. > > This website is most important to me, and to the millions of children > who go missing in the world every year and who otherwise would not have > a voice, let alone compassion and dignity, and with all the people who > are eagerly awaiting my updates I cannot afford to have my page > unavailable for long. > > Please fix this problem as soon as you can, and inform me about whether > there could be in the near future similar temporary disruptions so I > could properly warn my thousands of webpage visitors. > > Thank you. > > Love, > > Conrado. Dear Conelrado, Maybe you should have thought of putting up some anti-intrusion measures that would keep dinosaurs from looking at your Web page. Maybe like one of those forms where you have to click a little button that says "YES, I AM A HUMAN!" and then ask them a question that every human would know the answer to, like, "Who killed O.J.'s wife?" > P.S.: I hope, I HOPE, I hope, that this may not respond to any > ``higher`` order to remove my ``inconvenient`` site. My inconvenient > site, as you have been able to see for months, and as I could prove to > you again with the back-up copy of my various pages, does not seek to > disseminate racial hatred or slander, but even if it did, I kindly > remind you that this country still enjoys Constitutionally-protected > freedom of speech. Of course I hope that this remark will be out of > place and that the problem may only be a temporary technical failure. A remark be out of place? On the Internet? That'll be the day. -- K. Please post the addresses of more Web pages that don't exist. Here's one to start: hptt\\:``com.com-diapers.phlegm\pez.com2000 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 00:53:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "AFFA MU", who doesn't even have E-mail, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That "Conrado" guy who thinks evil dinosaurs are controlling mankind said: > > > > > > and as a result I am only attempting to generalize to 4-dimensional > > > space the kind of paradigm for the understanding of human violence > > > that.. .. Carl Sagan.. .. , > > > > "Sir, we're receiving a distress signal!" > > > > "Let's hear it." > > > > "DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT (pause) CARL SAGAN DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT" > > This has been a test of the Emergency Butthead Astronomer System. Had > there been a real butthead astronomer sighting you would not be > hearing this recording. Instead you would recieve instructions on how > to open your radio or television to reveal the dry, leafy Butthead > Astronomer Bait and a lifetime supply of Knight Rider 2000 reruns. Now > back to our regularly interrupted programming. Hey! I just opened my television set and all that was inside was Beavis Astronomer Bait and fifty thousand volts of PAIN! It hurt worse than the pain in Billy Bob Thornton's jaw after an entire day of putting 50,000 pounds of muscle tension on it to keep it from laughing at how stupid "Armageddon" was! -- K. DIS EES HOW WE FEEX THEENGS IN ROOSHA! I WEEL CROSH YOU... LIKE BUG! (Sorry, I apologize for dragging Joe Haldeman into here again. That's what he gets for crashing our party in 1997.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 06:29:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Hey! I just opened my television set and all that was inside was > > Beavis Astronomer Bait and fifty thousand volts of PAIN! > > Somewhere, Robin Williams is witnessing. Oh wow like witnessing like that movie with Harrison Ford let's raise the barn so we can stop using electricity now oh wow aren't these pants shiny hey David your E-mail address sounds like that robot from that show, "DBDBDBDBDBD They useta call this one the bump" oh the pain, the pain of it all, Beavis and Butthead are on my TV, the only show I hate more than Mork & Mindy and I have SEEN the LIGHT as I WITNESS, FAH-RAYENDS, as YE do so shall I WITNESS the GLORIOUS WITNESSING of the ASCENT of FIFTY THOUSAND VOLTS OF PAIN from my TV into my MIND! No, wait, that was the cocaine going up my nose, not TV. -- Robin Williams's improv routine, performed from October 14 through November 29 (after that, he'll change a word here and there) > > It hurt worse than the pain in Billy Bob Thornton's jaw after an entire > > day of putting 50,000 pounds of muscle tension on it to keep it from > > laughing at how stupid "Armageddon" was! > > But it was a -dry- hurt! Unlike the one in "Alien" who had all that ketchup all around the hole in the mannequin's body attached to his neck after the alien popped out. I forget, was he John Hurt, William Hurt, or Phil Hurtman? > > -- K. > > DIS EES HOW WE FEEX THEENGS IN ROOSHA! > > I WEEL CROSH YOU... LIKE BUG! > > (Sorry, I apologize for dragging Joe Haldeman into here again. > > That's what he gets for crashing our party in 1997.) > > Dave "Tell me Joe Haldeman doesn't wear high heels. _Please_." DeLaney Okay, let me draw you the diagram so that I can show you that high heels are at the opposite end from Joe Haldeman: * Joe Haldeman, famous science fiction writer, did some script doctoring on the Band Brothers' masterpiece of filmic wackiness, "Robot Jox" (originally titled "RoboJox" but the "RoboCop" people threatened to sue.) The movie featured an evil "Russian" whose big line, delivered in a bad accent funnier than Walter Koenig crossed with Paul Frees, "I WEEL KROSH YIEW, LAIEK BUGH!" * During the September 1997 Alt.Religion.Kibology Party-Like Event, held at my lame job the day before they went out of business, we got kicked out of the going-under-store for being TOO LOUD! While we were milling about on the sidewalk, Joe Haldeman walked RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR PARTY without even stopping to say "Hi!" * Joe Haldeman is not the guy on the Internet who sells videos of himself wearing lace panties while using his high-heeled shoes to crush white mice that were taped to the floor, nor is he the guy who tries to trick women into videotaping extreme close-ups of their feet pressing flat shoes against gas pedals, nor is he the guy who can only be sexually aroused by the smell of burning penny-loafers. However, I think all three of those guys have rented "Robot Jox". -- K. "WAAH! THERE AREN'T ANY ROBOT JOCKSTRAPS IN IT! MY FETISH IS *RUINED*!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 00:45:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, yeah, all those dinosaurs in red shirts get vaporized but the bad > > guys never even singe Kirk's hair. > > > > IT'S A GOOD THING THERE WERE NEVER ANY EPISODES OF "STAR TREK" WITH > > LIZARD PEOPLE IN THEM! Except for Majel Barrett. > > Please, dahling, sour grapes are out of season! > > - Your pal, > Jane Badler as the Joan Collins-Like Temptress > Whom The Writers Would Occasionally Remember Was > Really A Nazi Lizard From Outer Space > > Now wait right there while I kick Mark Singer into the swimming pool! Your theory about how the writers of "V: The Series" would constantly forget the premise (that Jane Badler was really a lizard who wanted to eat people and would die if she breathed our air, which she did a lot because they kept forgetting, and whose eyes magically changed appearance whenever she put on her "Mission: Impossible '88" style stick-on rubber mask) is very, um, I forgot what I was going to say. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, "Mission: Impossible '88". Who was that woman who couldn't act on that one? You know, the woman who couldn't act and wasn't Barbara Bain? And why am I ever trying to watch this week's special "all-comedy" episode of "Star Trek: Voyager" which isn't even as funny as the average "Doctor Who" rerun despite that this episode consists of The Doctor fighting sissified Sontarans? (I just know that that one-eyed chick from "Futurama" is going to toss a Bowie knife into someone's probic vent from twenty feet away...) But back to the topic at hand. What was with Marc Singer's hair? Was it just a way to remind the writers that he wasn't a lizard because he had big poofy hair shaped like a Sunbeam butter-flavored split-top loaf? Why don't lizards ever have bread-shaped hair? I forget. I guess that's why I'll never be a TV writer. I'm too smart to remember anything about lizard hair! -- K. And why exactly do they have to hand scalpels to the holographic doctor? And why can't he make a toupee? Nobody else on "Star Trek" was ever bald. Except that captain. What was his name again? Now I remember, CAPTAIN KIRK IS BALD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 05:28:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dear Dyan Cannon, > > > > The Internet is not for primal scream therapy. > > > The Internet is for primal "duh" therapy. It's time for me to repeat that story I like to tell every five years. In high school (circa 1984) they had a super-hefty terminal (a 132-column Decwriter with green-bar paper) in the "guidance" office. There was an account at the State University of New York at Albany that you could dial into to play games (we're talking "Hangman" etc.) for free, and I knew about this, so I would wander down there towards the end of lunch hour and kill time playing the lame-o early-eighties computer games. My favorite was a variant of the ubiquitous "Star Trek" games (you remember, the ones where the galaxy was an 8x8 grid of smaller 8x8 grids and you had to navigate by typing in r and theta where a circle had exactly 8 degrees) which was written in Fortran and had a few bugs that made the game fun. For instance, it didn't do bounds checking, so that if you tried to go past the edge of the galaxy you wound up in this region filled with solid "-1"s. But the real reason I liked it was that someone, in a fit of unbridled creativity, had changed the Klingons ("<*>") to Cylons ("<*>") and so on... yes, it was a "Star Trek" game named "Battlestar Galactica"! So, anyway, I killed time at the end of lunch playing "Battlestar Galactica" on the teletype for a few weeks, until one of the secretaries from office marched over and switched it off in mid-skritch, saying shrilly, "THE GUIDANCE COMPUTER IS NOT FOR COMPUTERY STUFF!" So this is why I would like to add: The Internet is not for computery stuff! But primal "duh" therapy, yeah, we got dat. We got duh! -- K. "...robots with nuclear bombs shaped like the word "DUH" where their mouths should be, so that when they talk it makes enormous 'DUH'-shaped shockwaves that go 'BANG!DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'" -- Kibo, March 1999 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:00:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In high school (circa 1984) they had [...] > > lame-o early-eighties computer games. > > > > My favorite was a variant of the ubiquitous "Star Trek" games (you > > remember, the ones where the galaxy was an 8x8 grid of smaller 8x8 > > grids and you had to navigate by typing in r and theta where a circle > > had exactly 8 degrees) which was written in Fortran and [...] > > someone, in a fit of unbridled creativity, > > had changed the Klingons ("<*>") to Cylons ("<*>") and so on... > > yes, it was a "Star Trek" game named "Battlestar Galactica"! > > I have both of those games! > > $ trek > > 10 Klingons > 2 starbases at 6,6, 3,2 > It takes 400 units to kill a Klingon > > ... and ... > > $ battlestar > > You are the Great wizard chris. > > This is a luxurious stateroom. > The floor is carpeted with a soft animal fur and the great wooden furniture > is inlaid with strips of platinum and gold. Electronic equipment built > into the walls and ceiling is flashing wildly. No, I was talking about $ battlestar 10 Cylons 2 Battlestarbases at 6,6, 3,2 It takes 400 unitrons to kill a Cylon The game I was talking about was 'trek' with two or three words changed to make it a hundred times cooler. I wasn't talking about the *stupid* adventure game. Games with words in them are stupid. It's so stupid to have to *read stuff* when you'd rather just use your imagination!!! That's why radio is better than either books or TV. -- K. It's a good thing *real* computers don't come with any stupid games, just awesome ones like 'bcd' and 'ppt'. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Interesting observation or observation-like comment. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:23:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor My apartment has a pleasant floral smell at the moment because the bitter gourd vine is feeling its oats. This is an odd plant because it smells like roses if you leave it alone, but if you touch it, it releases clouds of deadly bitter gourd vapor that smells sort of like burning brussel sprouts. If you pick off a leaf or break a tendril or something, the smell comes out in waves so thick you can practically see them. Even if you just handle it without breaking its skin, it still stinks. But if you leave it alone it smells like roses. -- K. And it still won't make any gourds. Just lots of flowers that smell the opposite of the way the rest of the plant smells. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y1D bug Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:42:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dan Collins (dcollins@macroent.com) wrote: > > Can you imagine if computers were invented back in like, 1901, and all the > programmers would have been freaking out because 1910 was coming up and all > their dates had been stored as single digits! Oh man, that would suck > because Y1D just doesn't sound as good as Y2K. Timing is everything in show > business and computer programming now. I always liked how some checkbooks would say "197_" for the year because people are so lazy that they only want to write one digit before they write the "EXACTLY THREE HUNDRED FIFTY-EIGHT DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE CENTS" part. Of course, this meant that those checks could only be passed in the years 197, 1970 to 1979, and 19700 to 19799. (But not 197000, because the blanks weren't long enough for that date no matter how many times I tried to squeeze it in.) After the mid-seventies they started making checkbooks that would last more than a few years and said "19__", and then Y2K came and RUINED MY CHECKBOOK! Soon, of course, checks will be made out of interactive Java-based "smart ink" printed on electrical paper, so you'll just use your fingertip to double-click on the little "19/20" popup and then type in the remaining two digits with the keyboard that's implanted in the back of your other hand, which is working the mouse that's in the wearable computer in your underwear. Assuming your underwear is still wearable that far in the future. -- K. IN THE FUTURE, UNDERWEAR WILL COME IN A SQUEEZE TUBE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y1D bug Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 03:03:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > IN THE FUTURE, UNDERWEAR WILL COME IN A SQUEEZE TUBE! > > So will we have to put it on with rollers or brushes? You're making an assumption. I never said anything about people in the future _wearing_ underwear, which is packaged exactly the same way as Don Knott's peanut butter in "The Reluctant Astronaut". A movie which, incidentally, was just like Disney's "The Rocket Man" (a movie in which Harlan Williams plays the moron who goes to Mars and Jim Belushi plays the NASA scientist who was secretly responsible for the Apollo 13 disaster) which should not be confused with the other movie named "The Rocket Man" which was by all reports a very amusing film for kids of all ages but all prints of it were burned and then buried and then burned again because they discovered that LENNY BRUCE WROTE IT! Because kids couldn't be allowed to watch anything G-rated written by a known SUBVERSIVE COMEDIAN! Does anyone else worry about those days before they were born when Groucho Marx's game show was considered too risque' for kids? I wish I had been a kid back then because there would have been so much more stuff that people wouldn't have wanted me to watch. They thought comic books were the root of all evil, too, before they realized they were wrong and it was proven to be video games. -- K. Incidentally, I just flamed one of my favorite authors because he spammed me about his biography of Carl Sagan. TAKE THAT, WILLIAM POUNDSTONE, IF INDEED THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pet Peeve Diatribe #38 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:51:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > I hate how Marcel Marceau has tried to commercialize mime by "dumbing it > down" for mass consumption. If I didn't know you better, I'd think you were being silly! > True mime has -- historically -- been a relatively high-brow intellectual > pursuit, AND WHY DO THEY CALL IT "PANTOMIME" WHEN THEY WEAR TIGHTS? TIGHTS AREN'T PANTS! REAL MEN WEAR PANTS! AND WHAT'S WITH THAT AIRLINE FOOD? > and it is ridiculous that the average layperson should be expected to > understand the Noh theatre-like subtleties inherent in the medium. I like Bunraku because it's like Punch & Judy without the violence. Or a Sid & Marty Krofft show without the hallucinatory imagery. > How can your typical Joe or Josephine, fresh off the bus from Duhville, > be expected to watch a mime performance and be inherently capable of > differentiating between the moments in which the artist is "avoiding noise" > versus the times he is actively "creating silence"? > > "Walking against the wind" indeed! Does Marceau even recognize the > historical origins of the "Walking against the wind" scenario, and how it > originates in the Platonic ideal of an irresistible force? > > I realize (and lament) that gone are days of the great mimes, when La > Fontaine, Chiraz and Grigio would sit on an empty stage and discuss the > meaning of 'self' in a post-theocratic world. My God! The flurry of > hands, the exaggerated moues, the skin-tight clothing that had resonance, > had significance, not just as an article of clothing but as a personal > *statement*... What I hate is that the mimes these days have product-placement patches for various consumer goods all over their leotards. Marcel Marceau has a Catterpillar Tractor logo on his butt! > But who would have thought that things would have degenerated to the point > where a hack like Marceau can take this /very/ conversation and pretend it > was somehow *just* about being trapped inside a box made of glass? True, > the "glass box" theory was relevant as a metaphor about the illusion of > free will, but to somehow surgically amputate this *minor* point of > discussion and build an irrelevant scene around it, without even > considering the philosophical context in which it was created... well, > that's just irresponsible. Amateur mimes could be injured, perhaps even > permanently crippled, if they attempt to "go down the moving escalator" > without understanding the wider implications from the perspective of > Cartesian rationalism. > > The mere suggestion that Marceau intends to create a mime "for the people" > is an insult to anyone who has ever worn a black and white stripey shirt > and facepaint. Personally, I vow to never again attend one of his > laughably execrable "shows", and I suggest you all do the same. But he got a box around his name in the opening credits of Jerry Lewis's "Smorgasbord", and he was much funnier than Jerry Lewis, simply because he never appeared in the movie at all. Of course, discovering fungus growing on your pet is funnier than Jerry Lewis. -- K. The fungus has better comic timing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pet Peeve Diatribe #38 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 02:33:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Marcus Evenstar (evenstar@aa.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What I hate is that the mimes these days have product-placement patches > > for various consumer goods all over their leotards. Marcel Marceau has > > a Catterpillar Tractor logo on his butt! > > Actually, it's not a logo so much as an imprint. We're both wrong. It's carved in, and it's actually a symbol indicating which Mason sculpted his butt. I found this out from one of the other people here in the Masonic Temple I founded in my living room. So, who's bringing the girls? -- K. I think I have _two_ copies of Koch's "Das Zeichenbuch" but it's okay because I don't have any of "Mayor". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Serious Public Health Information!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 08:00:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Since SO many of the men in this group have privately told me of > their erectile dysfunction, I present important news that may help you > with your often embarrassing plight. > > > BOSTON (Reuters) A ladies man > > suffering from a lackluster libido may want > > to lay off the licorice. Three Italian doctors > > warn in a letter published in Thursday's > > New England Journal of Medicine that > > glycyrrhizic acid, the active ingredient in > > licorice, suppressed sex hormone levels in > > seven men in their 20s. Which was all the more amazing because the sex doctors only fed the licorice to one guy who was in his 40s! Then they X-rayed him and it damaged his children, who were away at college. > > Extracts of licorice root are a widely used > > flavoring agents found in breath > > fresheners and candy. Especially the kind of candy that tastes bad. Also, enormous quantities of licorice are found in all Stella D'Oro pastries, and Charlie Chaplin's shoe. > > "The amounts of licorice given to these > > men are eaten by many people," they > > said. "Thus, men with decreased libido or > > other sexual dysfunction ...should be > > questioned about licorice ingestion." > > STEP AWAY FROM THE TWIZZLERS!! Wasn't "THE TWIZZLERS" that unaired game-show pilot hosted by David Letterman back when he had long hair? -- K. Fun fact: Not only did Chaplin eat a shoe made of licorice, but Harpo ate a telephone made of licorice live on stage every night, except the night that bastard Groucho replaced it with a telephone made of dog doo. I know it's true because I heard it in a college class. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.game-shows From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Albert Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 04:09:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I don't know why my literature keeps getting rejected by prestigious literary journals like "TV Guide". Well, here's the latest masterpiece. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry It was that time of day again. Gene Rayburn made a clever entrance by walking onto the stage from the left instead of the right this time. His three-foot-long, hair-thin microphone was hard to see against his plaid jacket, but nobody was looking at it anyway because they were are staring at the bony ridge where his forehead should have evolved. He grinned into the camera as he prepared to crank out another episode. With Nipsey Russell! Brett Somers! Gary Burghoff! Charles Nelson Reilly! Richard Dawson! And Fannie Flagg! Here on the star-studded, big-money "Match Game '74"! Gene waved his microphone, fascinated by the shiny silver part. He liked it better than the red lights across the room. Red lights looked like fire and fire hurt! Fire burn Rayburn! "Rrr! Welcome to Match Game '74! I'm your host, Gene Rayburn, and this is our panel of wonderful celebrities!" (Brett Somers yelled "Kiss my grits!") "Now, let's meet our new contestant..." A large turntable slowly revolved, bringing a vacant-looking man with wild hair into view. The show's dressers had placed him in a salmon-pink jacket with enormous lapels to make him look hip. Gene waved the microphone in his general direction. "...Albert Einstein! Dr. Einstein, is this your first time here on 'Match Game'?" "Gene, I think so." "Ha ha ha! Very funny. But not as funny as our celebrity panelists! And with that, let's get started." He pushed a hidden four-inch-wide bright red button sticking out of the front of the gameboard, and something akin to a powder-blue toaster slowly rose out of the desk, with two slots marked 'A' and 'B'. "Dr. Einstein, 'A' or 'B'?" "What's the question?" "Do you want 'A' or 'B'?" "'B', please." Gene pulled a blue index card from the slot and read it aloud. "Dumb Donald was SO dumb..." (the audience shouted "HOW DUMB WAS HE?" a few seconds later.) "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK!" The studio audience laughed, then two bars of disco music played over and over while the celebrities used really loud magic markers so that you could hear them drawing some "W"s plus twice as many "E"s and a few hyphens on blue index cards. They all put their cards into the special slots where a sensor told a stagehand to flip the switch that turned on the lights on the front of their desks indicating that their cards were in the special slots. Gene Rayburn leaned over Albert Einstein. "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK. How do you fill in the blank?" Einstein thought for a moment and said, "...he didn't know the toilet was for... EVERYONE." There were scattered boos from the audience, largely masked by the laugh track. Gene shook his head. "I don't know, Dr. Einstein, I think the audience just might disagree with you. But I could be wrong, unlikely as it may seem. Let's find out what our talented celebrity panel put down for their answer." Nipsey Russell said, "I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely as / WEE-WEE!" and held up a blue card that said "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. Brett Somers said, "I had trouble with this one. First I thought about 'DRINKING'. But then I said... WEE-WEE!'" A buzzer sounded. Gary Burghoff held up a card that said "WEE-WEE!" and he said "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. It seemed to be getting louder. And the studio lights were getting hotter. Einstein started to wonder if he wasn't doing so well so far. Charles Nelson Reilly puffed on his unlit pipe for a moment before saying, "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. Richard Dawson scratched his mustache, which was dwarfed by his enormous mutton-chop sideburns and Beatle haircut, and said, "Well, I'm from England. Over there we're too polite to say 'WEE-WEE!' So, I just said 'WEE!'" Half a buzzer sounded. Then the other half. Fannie Flagg, wearing a sweater decorated with red sequins in the shape of a lobster, held up a 'WEE-WEE!' card upside-down. A buzzer sounded for a long time. The camera zoomed in on the big zero on the front of Einstein's little stucco contestant desk as the celebrities glowered down from their sextuple pulpit. Gene Rayburn shook his head sadly. "I'm so sorry you're not doing well, Dr. Einstein, in spite of your perfectly intelligent answer. But perhaps you'll do better if you give a good answer to this next question. 'A' or 'B'?" Einstein thought about this problem again, eventually concluding that the value of 'B' was greater than 'A'. Gene pulled another card out of the 'B' slot and read it aloud. "Did you hear about the tse-tse mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a keg of beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK." The audience laughed at the incredibly clever yet completely obvious punchline as the disco music repeated like an ice-cream truck jingle composed by Philip Glass, while the celebrities drew "W"s and "E"s on new, different blue cards. "Dr. Einstein, what is your answer to this -- Did you hear about the tse-tse mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a keg of beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK." "Horsefly, Gene." "Is that an answer?" He looked over at the judges who had lit up the "YES, THAT IS AN ANSWER, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT" sign. Of course, all six celebrities said "WEE-WEE" (except for Nipsey Russell, who said "Float like a butterfly / Sting like a WEE-WEE!") and Einstein again received six buzzers, one zero, and assorted boos from the simulated audience. Einstein picked "B" again, because "Match Game '74" contestants were always required to pick "B". The third question was even worse, especially as Gene Rayburn read it aloud in his atrocious Marlon Brando impression. "The Godfather said, 'Usually when I rub out (that means kill) a guy he "sleeps with the fishes". Today I killed the Ty-D-Bol Man and now he's sleeping in the BLANK.'" Naturally Einstein said "doghouse" and everyone else yelled "WEE-WEE!" (Nipsey Russell said, "My country 'tis of thee / Sweet land of WEE-WEE!") Einstein was now thoroughly humiliated by his inability to guess the punchline of lame jokes where the punchline was always "WEE-WEE!" He scratched his head and then it dawned on him. "Match Game '74" contained "adult language", according to "TV Guide"! But what had tripped him up was that he hadn't realized it also contained bathroom humor suitable for toddlers everywhere! The correct answer was always "WEE-WEE!" and from now on, Albert Einstein would keep saying "WEE-WEE!" Gene Rayburn pulled the fourth, and final question, out of slot "B". "At that new restaurant, 'Dracula's Castle', they have quite a bar. The Bloody Marys are made with real BLANK." Einstein thought about this perplexing question for a while and decided to go with his gut instinct. He jumped on top of the glittery little desk and waved his arms while shouting "WEE-WEE! WEE-WEE! WEEEEE-WEEEEEEE!!!!" Everyone said "BLOOD!". Nipsey Russell's blue card said, "In fourteen ninety-two / Columbus sailed the ocean BLOO-D." Einstein was shamed and disgraced by finishing the entire game with a zero score, lower than any of the toddlers playing along at home! The word "STUPID" was flashed on the screen in front of Einstein's face as the members of the canned studio audience turned to each other and loudly whispered, "EINSTEIN IS A BOZO!" (Fortunately, the audio engineer's console had a button for that.) "YOU SHOULDN'TA SAID 'WEE-WEE!'" yelled Charles Nelson Reilly. Gary Burghoff wadded up his blue card and threw it at Einstein, momentarily forgetting to keep one hand under the desk at all times when he hurled it with his bad hand. Fannie Flagg demonstrated her Southern hospitality by waiting until the camera was not pointed at her to give Einstein the finger. Gene Rayburn began to say something about Einstein being a perfect loser with a perfect score of perfectly nothing, but then he was momentarily distracted because the judges were yelling something at him. "What? Oh. Dr. Einstein, the judges inform me that you actually won, because we forgot to have another contestant for you to compete against. (sigh) I guess you WILL go on to the SuperMatch bonus round, darn it to heck!" Einstein jumped out of his seat as the turntable began to revolve under him. He narrowly avoided being crushed as the "SuperMatch" game board came out where his little desk had been. To make him pay attention, Gene rapped him on the head with his lanky microphone. "We polled 100 members of our studio audience, and the top three hexadecimal values returned by it -- I mean, the top three answers that they said -- are on the board. If you match the top answer, you'll win $500. The second answer is worth $250, the third one $100, and below that you're an idiot. You can ask three of these charming celebrities for help. Here's what you're trying to match: 'WEE-BLANK'." Einstein shaded his eyes from the hot studio lights with one hand and pointed in the general direction of a celebrity with the other. "I'd like Richard Dawson to help me, Gene." Mr. Dawson idly scratched his fluffy mustache and said oh-so-casually, "Well, as you know, I am from England. And over there we're very well educated compared to you Yanks. We even have to memorize your Declaration of Independence, even though it had no bearing on our history. 'WEE-hold these truths to be self-evident.'" Gene Rayburn smiled at his fellow game show host. "Okay, Dr. Einstein, you have one perfectly good answer. You can task two more celebrities for their suggestions." "Um... Brett Somers? She's a celebrity, right?" When the camera cut to her, she pulled her enormous sunglasses down from her forehead to shield her eyes from the imaginary rays coming out of the camera. "I resent that remark! I am a celebrity, just like my husband, Jack Klugman! And after serious consideration, I've come up with the most perfect answer possible... 'WEE-kend!'" Gene put an arm around Einstein to suggest an easy rapport with even the stupidest contestants. "You can choose one last celebrity." "Ah... um... I'll take Gary Burghoff to block." Gary Burghoff scrunched down in his seat to pretend he was short, and sang in a high-pitched voice, "WEEEEEEE-represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild..." The canned applause kicked in when he got to the second "Lollipop Guild", because it wasn't funny until then. The camera pulled back to reveal Gene holding Einstein by the shoulders to keep him pointed at the panel of witty celebrities. "Now, Dr. Einstein, you've got three great suggestions for 'WEE-BLANK': 'WEE hold these truths,' 'WEE-kend,' and 'WEE represent the Lollipop Guild.' You can pick any of those three, or, if you dare, choose an answer of your own." Einstein thought about it. He wanted to say 'WEE-WEE' but he wasn't sure if the rules allowed him to come up with his own answer using his own brain and not that of Brett Somers. None of the other contestants throughout the history of "Match Game '74" had ever done that. And Gene Rayburn only said once per show that it was allowed. So Einstein said, "WEE-kend!" "ALL RIGHT!" yelled Gene Rayburn directly into Einstein's ear, "LET'S SEE WHAT THE $100 ANSWER WAS!" A hidden stagehand (permanently sealed into the gameboard) slid back the "$100" card to reveal "WEE REPRESENT THE LOLLIPOP GUILD," except "LOLLIPOP" was spelled with only two L's. And they were together. (This typographical error would have been grounds for disallowing anything Einstein said that wasn't spelled that way, just to make it easier to rig the game.) "AND NOW LET'S SEE THE $250 ANSWER!" Another card was pulled back to reveal "WEE HOLD THESE TRUTHS." "AND NOW... WE'RE ABOUT TO REVEAL THE $500 ANSWER! THE TOP ANSWER! WE'RE GOING TO REVEAL IT..." (The spotlight on Einstein turned a sickly orange to make him look pale and emaciated) "...RIGHT AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS!" (There were some commercials.) "AND THE $500 ANSWER... AT THE TOP OF THIS BOARD... BEHIND THAT SLIDING CUTOUT THING... PRINTED IN ENGLISH... IS..." "WEE-WEE!" The spotlight on Einstein focused a narrow beam into the top of his thinning hair to make him look balder. The celebrities stormed down from their seats and began kicking Einstein and jabbing him with their black Magic Markers. Gene Rayburn shoved the tip of his microphone into Einstein's ear from across the room. The simulated audience threw beer bottles (it was a modified tennis-ball machine.) Fannie Flagg, JoAnn Pflug, and JoAnne Worley took off their clothes. Paul Lynde ran onto the stage and kissed Charles Nelson Reilly as the set burst into flames. And the announcer, Gene Wood, politely but firmly informed Einstein that he had won a ten-year supply of Stupid-Roni, the pasta dish for stupid people. Then "Match Game '74" was cancelled forever. Fortunately, Gene Rayburn got a job the next day, hosting "Match Game '75". In fact, he kept hosting "Match Game" variants for the next twenty years until Bill Gates sued for copyright infringement. Then Mr. Rayburn went back to his cave. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I apologize for forgetting to work Potsie into this story. -- K. Potsie was rejected because he was actually still popular in '74. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.game-shows From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Albert Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 02:29:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Richard Hudson (rhudson765@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame > > by James "Kibo" Parry > > Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry > > > > > > > > And how many epsidoes of Match Game 74 did you actually watch before posting > this story. Watch? I had to sit between Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers for a whole week and you want me to have WATCHED the show after I got home exhausted from listening to Mr. Reilly yelling "WEE-WEE! TINKLE! BAZOOMS!"? Besides, I'll have you know that my story can't be inaccurate because it's copyrighted. Therefore everything else must be wrong. > Richard Hudson Sorry, I said "Richard Burton". But you could still win if you match all five remaining panelists... -- K. P.S. Please don't bring up the time I was on "Magnificent Marble Machine". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Library Porn Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 04:56:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, Merletron@webtv.net wrote: > > I like this Idea of library porn for those that can't afford a computer > at home for what should be private activity. You're just pretending you have a WebTV so that we'll think you can't afford a computer and will tell you where the free porn section of the library is, right? Well, it won't work! I'll never tell you where the free porn section of the library is! But I will drop a hint: It's at the opposite end of the library from wherever Don Saklad happens to be at the moment. > When I can't get to the skating rink...I can just bring my skates to the > library, and zip along over the slick floors near the computers! > > That should be fun. Rollerskates are not allowed at the library! But the sign don't say nothin' 'bout skateboards. So bring your K-RAD SK8B0RD and pop a 720 off the top of the photocopier, dude! (I keep trying that but it doesn't usually work because I don't have a skateboard.) > And I'll probably meet some REAL NICE people there, too. > > Yuck. The library people would be nicer to you if you cheered up those gloomy-Gus types. Try putting whoopie cushions on all the library chairs and then watch the librarians try to SHUSH AWAY THE FUN! -- K. And why doesn't the library have more vending machines that sell those special Cheetos where the orange grease sticks to your fingers only until you pick up a rare book? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stop posting already! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 07:48:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI", dagren@abo.fi wrote: > > Subject: Stop posting already! > > I'm trying to go home! I'm sorry if we're making you stay in the public library while other people want to use the computer. I believe Don Plutonium and Archie Saklad are next in line. Have you considered having the Internet forwarded to your home? They can press it onto CD-ROMs and send it to you via UPS. That way you can play the Internet without a computer if you have a Sony Discman! By the way, I'm sorry Akio Sony died. He was one of those rare people who deserved to be rich. -- K. Of course, he was Japanese, so it didn't matter -- when you're born in Japan they automatically give you your own electronics manufacturing concern as you leave the hospital. Unless you're a girl, in which case you just get super powers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.mcdonalds,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: imon bites the dust..................Where's the "beef"? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 07:55:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.neck In alt.food.mcdonalds and alt.religion.kibology, "D.S.R" (s315@ne.infi.net) wrote: > > "imon Clark" (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > "D.S.R." (s315@ne.infi.net) wrote: > > > > > > No, you take a few deep breaths, since your the one shouting here. > > > > I AM SHOUTiNG, YOU SAY??? HUH??? I THOUGHT I WAS ***TYPiNG*** ThIS!!!! > > DO YOU THInK I AM RICH EnOUGH TO OWN SOmE SORT OF FUTURISTIC SPEECH- > > AcTIVATED COmPUTOR??? > > No, I just thought you were smart enough to know that using the Capital > letters is considered shouting, guess your so smart. i just wanted to let you know that i am smarter than you so now you can please stop shouting at the first start of every sentence and putting those black dots that don't sound like anything at the end sinceerley you're pal KIBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THE END ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Canada bans female names for cows! a.r.k. to follow suit? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 02:49:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > According to an item in the 10/13 Boston Globe, Canadian officials have > forbidden an agricultural research center and museum (i.e., a farm that > charges admission) "Smell the manure for a dollar!" There was one of those outside Schenectady. It had a SOLAR-POWERED GREENHOUSE. Before they put in the solar greenhouse, we had a field trip there when I was in first or second grade. I remember one kid fell into the cow flop, but I don't remember if they just abandoned him there or allowed him to ride back on the bus with us. I assume that because I don't remember the whole bus smelling like poo that the kid was simply left behind to become property of the farm. In fact, I don't even remember who the kid was, which opens up the possibility that he wasn't even a member of the class but just an anonymous stunt poo-diver midget hired to entertain us at taxpayer expense before they came up with the idea of spending the money on solarizing their glass house. > to give female names to its cows, apparently after a visitor to the > facility was offended upon discovering that one of its bovine residents > shared her Christian name. From now on, no Christian names are allowed for cows! Only Jewish, Muslim, Satanist, and Scientologist cow names! I bet Christians wouldn't object to any of those! > Henceforth, only gender-vague monikers like "Buttercup" So you're saying that the Gilbert & Sullivan character was gender-neutral? What a relief! All along I'd assumed Adam West was gay because he sang "They call me Buttercup, sweet little Buttercup" on "Batman" but now I realize that singing Gilbert & Sullivan while wearing purple tights and a cape isn't gay as long as Buttercup isn't a girl. > or "Clover" will be allowed, rather than "Elsie" or "Tammy." What about "Chris" and "Terry" and "Pat" and "Leslie" and "Marion"? (I dare you to tell me whether Leslie Nielsen is a man or woman without looking it up!) > In fact, the center may also ban the use of male names for certain animals, You mean like "rooster" and "bull"? > like Tom Turkey or Wilbur the Pig. SERDAR ARGIC WILL NOT REST UNTIL TURKEYS ARE CLEANSED OF ARMENIAN NAMES! > Since more and more people are clambering onto the 'Net, female > alt.religion.kibologists should consider following a similar policy. > Imagine, after all, the great trauma a neophyte newsgroup browser named > "Leah" or "Samantha" might suffer when they find out they have the same > name as a regular ARKer. So we call them "Lee" and "Sam". Except then someone would still be traumatized to have the same name as Lee Bumgarner. > I'm sure that legally adopting a nongender-specific, evocative appellation > like "Flowerboot" or "Potatobucket" would be a small sacrifice to make. Fine. You can be Zeptoquaternium Daffodil-27 Plutonium. I've got to go visit Pat Morita in his giant flying fortune cookie. OH NO! I DRAGGED JERRY LEWIS INTO A KURT VONNEGUT REFERENCE! LITERATURE IS RUINED FOREVER! > Of course, those of us on ARK who possess Y chromosomes Y chromosomes? ...because we love Bio-Domes. AUGH! I DRAGGED PAULY SHORE INTO THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB! NOW ANETTE FUNICELLO IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE AN MTV VEEJAY TO RESTORE NATURE'S COSMIC BALANCE! > are more than willing to do our part -- some, like "Froggy" and "Hi There" > already have, in fact. I'm confident that Matt, for example, would be > perfectly happy being known as "Muddyboot," Matt already has three perfectly good nicknames in alt.religion.kibology: "Matt Muon", "Longshot", and "Thick". > or that Dave could make do with "Puddingcloth." > > But let me state emphatically that I will not, under any circumstances, > consent to "Doidyhead." I say we name Sean Smith "Non-consensual Doidyhead." And then put his name on a computer prototype without his permission and wait to see if he sues us when Steve Jobs refuses to sell him any pot. > Sean ("And my younger daughter already has dibs on 'Spunky'") Smith What do we call Spot? -- Ki "James Parry" Bo ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY of AP; Iowa State Univ Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 04:15:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I wish Dr. Alexander Abian were still here with us for I would > like to meet him today. Yeah, it's too bad you can't revive dead people through biotechnology or anything. Well, there used to be this guy who kept talking about how he was going to do that, but I think he turned out to be a nut. Last I heard, he was heading towards Iowa while eating candy. > I suspect this will not be my first and last visit to Iowa State. Iowa State students and faculty were saddened by the death of Dr. Alexander Abian, especially after they heard that Archie was moving in to occupy his old room. > And wandering around on the campus I delighted in the Campanile > and the fountain nearby of running water close to the Memorial > Union building. (Mental image of Archie taking off his shoes and cavorting in the fountain while shouting "WHEE! I'M THE KING OF SCIENCE!" but then a giant iceberg crashes into it and everyone dies.) > Something about the sound of running water that is so delightful. Arch, I've asked you before, stop following people into the restroom! > I ate lunch at the Commons in the Memorial Union > building and the set-up of dining is excellent. I had a 1,000 > Island salad and egg sandwich and fruit and coconut cream pie. > I think other > universities ought to visit Iowa State Memorial Union to see > how to own and operate an excellent dining facility. Many of the other universities only have 999 Island salad! Of course, all the time Archie was eating his Thousand Island dressing he was ranting about how the Thousand Islands were really a peninsula. > Food of vast variety and food that is top notch and low prices. Many of > the students are workers in the dining facility. So how much better-paid are they than the crazy dishwashers they had at Dartmouth? > Not only does Memorial Union have an excellent dining facility but it also > houses a post office and bookstore and hotel. I wish I had known > it had a hotel for I would have liked to have had a stay at the > Iowa State Univ. hotel. I asked and the price was $50 per night. Oh, it's one of those "You Pay Your I.Q." hotels operated by Ground Round. (WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF GROUND ROUND WAS A DIVISION OF A HOTEL CHAIN?) > And the Memorial Union building is a fancy building and has many > nice things for students. And then out one door is the fountain > with running water and the Campanile tower in view. Archie likes to watch running water. Just like Gumby. > Iowa State Univ is a fine and excellent university and I would > recommend it especially those in the sciences. I visited the physics > building and they had a display of a Dr. Atanosoff (spelling) > and Dr. Berry, > who in a sense, invented the modern day digital computer. As, yes, the golden age of computing, when the digital computer had been invented but they hadn't yet decided that Dartmouth's dishwashers should have access. > Iowa State is a very smart and progressive school and to top it off, it > is in a clean, cool and cold environment. Not the over populated > smog and blight and hot heat campuses of the California schools. > And what is more, the cost of going to school at Iowa State is > considerably less than those California schools. Iowa State is one > of the best kept secrets of a quality education. Actually, I think > there are many state universities where one can get a quality > education better than the bragged about schools such as the Calif > schools or the Ivy league schools which charge exorbitant tuition > and whose surrounding environment is awful to horrible. > > And I would like to recommend to Iowa State something. I notice > that this school has a large emphasis on science. Their physics > department is huge and excellent. But compared to you, an Old Farmer's Almanack is huge and excellent when it comes to physics. > I would like to recommend for Iowa State future to more and more > become a Iowa Institute of Science and Technology. To make Iowa State > a midwestern school like Caltech or MIT. Um, Arch, it doesn't stand for "Midwestern Institute of Technology." (First he says it's in California, now he thinks it's in the Midwest. Arch, settle down and pick a single place to imagine MIT's in. Maybe you should put it in Cambridge, because there aren't any other big schools there now that you've declared that Harvard is in Boston.) > I suppose the Univ of Chicago and Northwestern serve as the > Caltech & MIT for the Midwest. I say the Midwest needs a third > such school and that Iowa State would be the natural first choice pick. > To gradually turn Iowa State into a midwestern Caltech or MIT type > of school. Whatever you do, don't turn it into another Dartmouth! Hey, whatever happened to your plans to buy Dartmouth and rename it "Plutonium College" and/or "Plutonium University"? And how come you stopped loving Dartmouth around the time they fired you? I mean, the King of Science should be big enough not to hold a grudge when he gets fired from his low-paying menial job! (You never hear REAL scientists complaining about their low wages.) > To increase its science departments and to sacrifice its all > other departments for science. > > The California science schools of Stanford, Caltech and Berkeley > are hindered by they poor, lousy and crummy environments of > air pollution, crime, overpopulation, blight and hot heat. And > the eastern Ivy league schools have much of the same problems that > the California schools are hobbled with. > > Thus, a Iowa State University to become Iowa Institute of > Technology & Science makes alot of sense. Dear Alexander Plutonium, WHOOPS! Jumped the gun. I can't call you that until you announce you're changing your name. How many days do we have left until you merge your genetic structure with Alexander Abian's? -- K. And then he'll come to Boston and become Alexander Sakladium, and then he'll go to Cleveland and become Alexander Sakladiwodaium, and then he'll go to wherever the heck Manley Hubbell is and become... no, wait Archie can't become Manley. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY of AP; Iowa State Univ Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 06:19:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Archie likes to watch running water. Just like Gumby. > > Archie and Gumby are a lot alike, aren't they? They both leave big green > greasy spots on books. Yes, but Gumby always goes into classic literature and tales of thrilling adventure. Archie goes into Greyhound bus schedules and comes out in Iowa. If only he had a talking dog to go with his big round shiny head. GOLIATH: "Archie... don't throw rocks into that pond. Woof." ARCHIE: (helium voice) "Whyever not, Goliath?" GOLIATH: "God says... it bothers the fish." ARCHIE: "Oh... then I'll go home and cook a hot dog in a paper cup." GOLIATH: "Archie! Don't... say... that... word!" (I've always assumed he talks just like Davey, who talked and moved and acted just like Gumby except without the superpowers.) I mean, back in 1993, I got Archie (nee Ludwig) to compose a "Plutonium Hymn" to the tune of the "Davey & Goliath" theme ("A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.") Imagine how much better he'd be at impersonating Davey (and/or Goliath) now that he's had six years more practice. I mean, back then, he hadn't even figured out what his first name was. --- rerun by someone who should not be confused with me, namely, Archie --- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology From: Ludwig Plutonium (Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) Subject: Re: France's Plutonium in Japan Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH Date: Sat, 23 Oct 1993 20:59:57 GMT James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > Dear Ludwig-- > That was very nice. Do you have one to the music for "A Mighty > Fortress Is Our God"? I have been trying to learn to play it on my harp > and would like new words. Thank you. Here goes James-- please request that it be sung by the congregation just before the sermon. Love Ludwig PHYSICAL LAW IS TO OUR MAKER A migthty theory is our physics Atoms to quarks never failing Physical Laws are always inexorable and prevailing For still there are our ancient foes, witchcraft, mysticism, horoscopes and religion to work us woe Physics universal and precise. But religion is around and armed with superstition and science fiction But science is better than its equal Physics builds on experiment and evidence But religion is a losing, having fanatics on their side. The man who was a morphine doctor to the Essene revolt against the Romans. Josephus the historian deemed nonimportant for he never mentions him. Dost ask who made him important. Paul it is he. Science fiction is its name. Walk-on-water, magic cure, part the Red Sea is its game. For many centuries to century the same dogma, and it must lose the battle. And through this world with religious fanatics filled. Who would threaten to rack and torture us as Galileo, or burn us as the beautiful Hypatia. We will not fear for the ATOM hath willed its truth to triumph through science. Religion and sentiment of darkness grim, We tremble not for religion, its Rack, its carnage, in the name of, for science fiction is doomed and physical law is prevailing. That idea above all earthly powers is the ATOMIC Fact Little thanks to religious science fiction The spirit and the photon soul are ours Through 231Pu who with us sideth. Let goods and kindred go. This mortal life also; our body, which our photon souls rebundled by the Protons will. PU's truth abideth still. It's atomic space, energy, and time are forever. ATOM ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.engr,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY: constructing a brick building Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 05:52:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu and sci.engr, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Question: can you construct a brick building without pouring > any concrete foundation? Can you order concrete block and brick > and cement and sand and then use block for the floor and > foundation and then brick for the walls? All without any poured > cement? So I take it you're never going to want to play marbles on the floor? And you're only going to live in the shack for a week so that you don't have to see the floor settle and sinkholes open under it the first time it rains? > Last night on the trip to Ames Iowa from Vermillion SD, my mind > was toying with the idea of constructing a small building by > myself consisting of block and brick and cement but no concrete. Archimedes Plutonium discovers Legos. Film at 11. > And to arrange the brick, two different colors of brick > in the walls such that I can get a Greek doric column facade. They come in fire-engine red, medium blue, primary yellow, white, black, and sometimes other colors if you buy one of the pirate or outer-space sets. Sorry, no Ancient Greek Legos. I guess you'll have to have a pirate-themed house. > A building without any poured concrete but all block and brick > and cement grouting > because I can undo it if I make mistakes or want to change it. Oh, yeah, a regular building built by Archimedes Plutonium would be impossible for anyone to tear down. So, Arch, after you build your own "small building" to protect yourself from the Big Bad Wolf, what sort of computer are you going to build so that you can get Internet access without going to the Iowa State library? And are you going to make the computer out of nothing but chips with no boards? (Architectural purity is important.) -- K. Maybe Mattel's Barbie Computer and Hot Wheels Computer should be joined by The Archie Computer. It could have orange plaid on top and be flanked by two stereo speakers named Betty and Veronica. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lumberman Sex Change Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 06:32:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Alex Suter (asuter@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Not what you think. > > http://www.lumbermansexchange.com/ I would be surprised if it would be what I think. Because what I think all day is a whirling maelstrom of Chinese food ingredients, dancing bears, sitcoms that were cancelled after one episode, elastric truds, and the list of all flavors that 7-Eleven Slurpees aren't available in. All criss-crossing and colliding and exploding and dancing all day, all night, ALL NUDE! So, if your Lumberman Sexchange site actually has that on it, well... it won't matter because that stuff is ALREADY living in my brain. -- K. Iheard astreamof frightening manslaughter comingoutof therapist asheheard BennyHill make apun aboutthe lumbermansexchange. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY: Las Vegas & homeless solution Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 06:55:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (Kibo crushes an empty can of Kontext-Away against his forehead and tosses it into a nearby wastebasket. He reaches for a packet of NEW KURT-VONNEGUT-INSPIRED DECONTEXTIFIED SYMPHONIC EMBARASSMENT and tears it open.) Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > [...] (An enormous symphony orchestra, comprised of hundreds of musicians, is playing the "1812 Overture" at an ever-increasing volume. the camera, mounted in the nose of a Saturn-V rocket, blasts off, revealing a wider angle on the hundreds of thousands of people sitting quietly in the audientce. Suddenly the camera plunges downwards just as the music stops, zooming in on an elderly dowager shouting into the ear of her companion:) > I like the chocolate flavored eggplant ones. (BOOM! The camera and nuclear bomb in the nose of the Saturn-V explode, destroying this special one-time-use packet of NEW KURT-VONNEGUT-INSPIRED DECONTEXTIFIED SYMPHONIC EMBARASSMENT. Kibo says, "Eh..." and drops the empty packet on the floor, then pencils "KONTEXT-AWAY" on his shopping list.) -- K. That was EXPENSIVE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.inventors From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hefty Kewl New Invention: The Fridge Magnet! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 07:00:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Before you flame me: yeah, yeah, I know, fridge magnets have been around > since the mid eighties. But not ones like THIS! > > First came Magnetic Letters, then Magnetic Words, but now there is... > > ************************ > * Magnetic Handwriting * > ************************ > > Yes that's right, I said HANDWRITING! > > What's that? You don't believe this is possible? Well it IS NOW! > > Simply cover your refrigerator with the supplied iron filings and write > away! It's as easy as that! > > And remember: I thought of it first. Also, I call dibs. NOT FOR STEALING!!! Sorry, I already invented something a billion times cooler: Magnetic food. Just stick it to the outside of your refrigerator and you can watch it spoil! -- K. Also I invented hamburgers with built-in refrigerators inside them so that you can store them by simply turning them inside out. (This works best on White Castles.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimpanzee in Custody Dispute Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 04:57:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Linda Deutsch wrote for the Associated Press: > > Subject: Chimpanzee in Custody Dispute (KIBO, DENNIS MILLER, and JON STEWART are lunging for the last doughnut when KIBO sees something out of the corner of his eye. He turns away and grabs a newspaper which is sliding past on an electrified wire at high velocity. MILLER and STEWART knock themselves unconscious when their heads collide. KIBO takes the doughnut and eats it as he reads the newspaper.) KIBO Mmm, sprinkles... mmm, chimpanzee... > WEST COVINA, Calif. (AP) -- He's been described as ``a good > citizen'' and ``a political prisoner.'' Hey! Lyndon LaRouche is not a chimpanzee! > Moe the chimpanzee, He's the leader of The Three Chimpanzee Stooges. Man, I would love to see them do some Three Stooges movies with an all-chimp cast. Except I don't know if chimps would be smart enough to throw pies. They'd probably just think the pies were for EATING because CHIMPS ARE STUPID! > the subject of an emotional custody dispute, is having his day in court > and it's creating a local sensation. JUDGE Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? MOE THE CHIMP (blows a very wet raspberry and kisses the judge) LAWYER I move for a mistrial! The monkey wasn't supposed to lick your face until I threw this banana cream pie at you! JUDGE Order in the court! I find you in contempt! LARRY THE HOMICIDAL POTTED BEGONIA Oh, a wise guy, eh? CURLY THE INANIMATE MOLECULE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH FROM WHERE WE COULD SEE HIM Nyuk nyuk nyuk! GROUCHO When I throw a pie, people say it's funny! HARPO (makes funny noises and falls down) > An army of lawyers is fighting over whether Moe, who has bitten > a couple of people, At the same time? > should remain in quarantine or be allowed to return to his surrogate > parents, St. James and LaDonna Davis. > The Davises rescued him from the wilds of Africa 30 years ago > when his mother was killed by poachers. > ``I want our family back together,'' a weeping St. James Davis > told reporters outside the local courthouse on Thursday. Just think, if the chimp is listed as next of kin, someday that chimp could own their house! AND THEN HE'D RENT ROOMS OUT BUT WOULD DISCRIMINATE AGAINST HUMANS! > Picketers -- mostly neighbors who have lived on the same street > as Moe for years -- marched with signs saying, ``Bring Moe Home,'' > ``West Covina Loves Moe'' and ``Moe is a political prisoner.'' Of course, most of those signs were left over from the making of the movie, "The Three Stooges Get Exiled To Siberia". > ``He causes a lot less problems than the kids in the > neighborhood,'' said Susan Stewart, calling Moe ``a good citizen.'' I'm sure he votes. I mean, Jesse Ventura got elected. > Officials had tried to evict Moe from West Covina in the 1960s > but a judge let him stay, saying the chimp ``doesn't have the > traits of a wild animal and was somewhat better behaved than some > people.'' Yeah! Chimps are better than those high-falutin' types who look down their noses at chimps! OOH WHAT A BURN! I JUST ZINGED THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE ON BEHALF OF A CHIMP NAMED AFTER A STOOGE! > Moe went on to become a local celebrity, appearing at ribbon > cuttings, helping sell cookies for the Girl Scouts, He was good at that because monkeys like picking lice off things. (I meant the cookies, not the scouts, you sickos.) > even appearing in a movie or two. Good thing he's a good citizen or he could have been blacklisted. > His troubles began in August 1998 when a worker fixing something > in Moe's cage accidentally caused an electrical shock to the chimp. > Moe panicked, escaped and ran through the neighborhood. Yeah, it's vitally important to have the electrical outlets _inside_ the chimp cage in good working order in case the chimp needs to plug in his WebTV. > Animal control officers tried to calm him, neighbors said, but > police roared up with flashing lights and sirens and Moe became > more agitated. He bit a police officer and an animal control > worker. Then he climed to the top of the Empire State Building and grabbed a biplane as his fur moved around randomly from moment to moment. > Last month, a community relations officer asked to visit Moe. > Sheryl Ortiz was told not to go too close, according to the > Davises, but she stuck her finger into Moe's cage. At first he > sucked on the finger, then he bit off the tip. Please don't make me choose which of those options I'd like least. > They explained that because he likes red licorice, he thought he > was biting into a piece of the candy when he saw her red nail > polish. CALL THE KANDY KOPS AND THE PASTRY POLICE, SOYLENT RED IS MADE FROM LADY FINGERS!!! > Moe has been taken to the Wildlife Way Station to be > quarantined. > Municipal Court Judge Carol Williams Elswick postponed all > action until Nov. 19, expressing hope that the parties will reach > an out-of-court settlement. Hopefully very FAR out of her court. Ever seen the mess chimps make in court? I mean, pies aren't the worst stuff they throw in real life. -- K. Here's a line I'll write into any Pauly Shore movies I'm forced to produce: "LOOK OUT, THE CHIMP HAS A NUCLEAR WEAPON!" Then Pauly would die in a nuclear explosion that lasts for two hours and has a laugh track. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Death dreams Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 05:36:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.dreams.lucid, Andrew Martin (martiam@es.co.nz) wrote: > > Hi > > Recently I have been finding myself having particularly real feeling dreams > which invlove me dying. I always wake up jsut before the dream me would > have died. I occcasionally do reality checks here and there, but I never > know if whats happening is a dream or not and I don't check regularly > enough, therefore I think I'm dying all the time. Kinda weird. > > Anyone know what this might mean or any suggestions as to how I could tel it > was a dream if I knew I was going to be dead within 3 seconds or less? I think this just might be one of those problems that science cannot solve. I hate science. If it wasn't for science, I'd be able to enjoy those dreams where I die! But I can't because I just wake up and feel unhappy that I almost died but then it turned out to be a TRICK. They should invent a way to remove the part of your brain that makes you able to dream. Also the part that lets you fall asleep so you'll never fall asleep in a courtroom. -- K. YOU haven't been on any jury trials involving Ten-Layer Hex-Bus Module Boards. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: And now for this important commercial message X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:10:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > My that's a tasty looking post you have there. > > Yes, I'm just about ready to eat it. [Grabs catsup bottle and prepares to > pour.] > > Wait a second! What are you about to put on that post? > > Some ketchup. Why? > > Why not use this instead? [Pulls out bottle of A-1 steak sauce.] > > A-1 on a post? > > Yes! For what is a post; chopped ham? No. It's chopped steak! > > [The A-1 is poured on the post.] > > Mmm... You're right! A-1 really _does_ enhance the flavor of a post. > > [A-1. Think of it the next time you're about to have a post.] FIRST KID: "You got your nose in my peanut butter!" SECOND KID: "You got your peanut butter up my nose!" ...only the didn't say "nose". Then they show one of those commercials for the little tubes of "M&M's Minis" that show how, when you open the tube, deadly candy shoots out at supersonic speed and goes right up your nose. Only it's not the nose, it's the other word. Then the doctor checks you over and sticks his proctoscope up your nose or the other word and inside he sees the fat guy from "Far Out Space Nuts" saying, "Hi, Guy!" and he starts rubbing solid deodorant on his forearm to show you how easy the rectangular stick it is to apply to flat, hairless, non-sweaty areas that aren't armpits. Because even the people who manufacture deodorant think armpits are gross. Then Jonathan Pryce does a car commercial and goes back to his job at The Ministry of Torture. NOW can I get my "Knight Rider 2000" reruns? I'm tired of just getting commercials and electric shocks when I open up my TV. -- K. A going-out-of-business sale on "Investment-Quality Living-Room Furniture" is on my TV right now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Maine Gets Taste of Y2K Glitch X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:30:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Sharp wrote for the Associated Press: > > PORTLAND, Maine (AP) -- State government got its first Y2K > surprise months early when owners of 2000 model cars and trucks > received titles identifying their new vehicles as ``horseless > carriages.'' > Despite millions of dollars spent to ensure state computers are > ready for the year 2000, computers in the secretary of state's > office got confused over the 2000 model year designation. > As a result, some new vehicle owners or lien holders got titles > to ``horseless carriages'' instead of cars or trucks in April. Yeah, the computer made up that wacky phrase ALL BY ITSELF because of the Y2K bug, which causes computers to print wacky phrases in April. Especially around the first of the month. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!! And they only noticed this April Fool's prank in OCTOBER? DUH DUH DUH DUDDILY DUH DUH DOUBLE DUHHHHHHH!!!!!!! > The case demonstrates the problems that can occur when computers > misread the year 2000 as the year 1900, which is what happened in > the secretary of state's office. "Sir, the Y2K bug put that whoopie cushion on your chair!" "Oh my god! Call the National Guard!" > [...] > > ``The major systems that effect health and safety are in pretty > good shape,'' King spokesman Dennis Bailey said. ``We're pretty > sure if there is a problem, it will be this kind and not something > serious.'' Oh, sure, they always say practical jokes AREN'T SERIOUS until SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE when they sit on a whoopie cushion! I think we need to take this opportunity to define a new scale of intelligence as measured in gullibility units detected as a by-product of April Fool's Day and Y2K: EXTREME STUPIDITY believes April Fool's Day pranks are caused by Y2K believes earthquakes are caused by Y2K believes COBOL is the solution to the Y2K problem NORMAL STUPIDITY believes the Y2K problem will make kitchen faucets not work falls for practical jokes falls only for Kibo's practical jokes NOT STUPID Kibo And speaking of stupidity, I'm watching the second episode of "Star Trek: Voyager" tonight which has exactly the same plot as the other one (don't they all?) They just realized that aliens are making random things happen to them for no reason because they looked into a microsocope and Neelix's DNA, which looks like a bunch of marshmallows on a stick, has little barcodes on the atoms, so it must be FAKE! (I'm hoping they'll do an episode where the USS Voyager is destroyed by the Y2K Bug. Because I'm sure that they could go through a time warp and their computer would explode if they travelled back to 2000. This show's intelligence would go way up if they added Jane Badler or at least a talking dolphin.) -- K. DARWIN SCARED! COMPUTER PLAY WACKY PRANK IN APRIL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Maine Gets Taste of Y2K Glitch X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:40:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Several minutes ago, I wrote: > > And speaking of stupidity, I'm watching the second episode of > "Star Trek: Voyager" tonight which has exactly the same plot as the > other one (don't they all?) They just realized that aliens are making > random things happen to them for no reason because they looked into > a microsocope and Neelix's DNA, which looks like a bunch of marshmallows > on a stick, has little barcodes on the atoms, so it must be FAKE! They've just adjust the sticker on the alien robot boob-woman's forehead to let her see the invisible stuff that they're not supposed to see, and she can tell that there are aliens (who are represented by guys wearing brown coats, because aliens on "Star Trek" always wear brown so that even the stupidest viewers can remember that the red/yellow/blue uniforms are the good guys) and it turns out that all the crew members except the magical ghost doctor and the corset-wearing high-heeled robot sexpot are walking around wearing INVISIBLE NIGHT BRACES! -- K. "...or on-line at 'sharperimage.com'! That's ONE WORD, 'sharperimage.com'!" -- ad for a forty-dollar "Magic 8-Ball" knockoff on my TV right now. Is Saturday Stupid Night in TV-land for a reson? TV's usually so much brainier! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.video.divx,rec.games.video.sony From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PS2 to use DIVX instead of DVD Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 09:03:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.video.divx > > Richard S. Holmes wrote: > > > > > > Likewise Divx is better than DVD in terms of its features. For > > > example, I have been told that if you watch the Divx version of > > > "Elizabeth", and you turn up the Transparency to maximum, you can see > > > RIGHT THROUGH GWYNETH PALTROW'S CLOTHES. > Jeremy E. Cook (jecook@spam.die.ionet.net) wrote: > > > > Apparently you have been mis-informed. Divix's only major diference > > to DVD was that you had to pay for the movies you watched. "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > Yes, but we're not talking about DIV-IX, we're talking about DIV-X. > > DIV-X (also known as Division 10) had several advantages over DIV-IX > (Division 9). In addition to the Transparency control mentioned above, > Div-X had several WebTV-like features utilizing the telephone built into > the Div-X unit. For example, if you watch a wide-screen Div-X movie on a > standard-aspect-ratio TV, instead of black bars at the top and bottom you > get banner ads for pronographic web sites. I saw a beta version of the new version, DIV-XI, at an adult porn industry trade show in Las Vegas. The cool new hot features of DIV-XI is that if you have a widescreen TV and you're watching some lame old non-widescreen porn movie, instead of "reverse letterboxing" it (filling the left and right sides of the screen with vertical black things) it digitally analyzes the whole image to draw in the missing parts at the sides. It's really wicked cool. Now when you're watching "Rosemary's Baby" and Ruth Gordon is on the phone, instead of just seeing half her face, you can see the other part too! And at the end, the baby isn't offscreen any more! Even though I was only allowed to watch DIV-XI a little while, I noticed all sorts of things you can't see on a normal TV that only shows the parts of the picture they actually broadcast. Like, being able to see all the stuff at the sides that the filmmakers were trying to hide let me see stagehands picking their noses, and once, I caught Woody Allen standing off-camera trying to distract Mia Farrow during one of her big scenes. And if DIV-XI can make a Roman Polanski movie this much fun, just think what it'll do to REAL porn once you bring it home! I'm signing up for DIV-XI as soon as Microsoft makes it available in my area! -- K. Of course, there's this even better competing pornography format called DCLXVI... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.video.divx From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PS2 to use DIVX instead of DVD Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 03:45:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm signing up for DIV-XI as soon as Microsoft makes it available > > in my area! > > > > Of course, there's this even better competing pornography > > format called DCLXVI... > > Yeah, but I heard you have to get a bar-code tatooed on your > head or hand. Bummer. But DCLXVI only requires a tattoo on your head or hand. Regular DIV-XI, when Microsoft makes it available in your area, requires you to get a tattoo IN YOUR AREA. (Just ask Joel Hodgson or Mike Nelson what that involves.) -- K. And the worst part is that it's illegal to get tattoos in my area, because I live in Massachusetts. You know, that state founded by Puritans in order to abolish religious persecution and disallow tattoos. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY; Univ of Chicago Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 10:15:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Crerar Library Univ of Chicago) > > Explored the campus this day of Friday 15OCT. Had lunch of > some chinese food of > noodles with mushrooms and tofu and a spicy (too spicy for me) > Stewart's ginger ale, Observation: Ginger ale is too spicy for the King of Science. Hypothesis: Perhaps he gets a hangover from 7-Up. Experiment: Measure whether the ginger ale bubbles burn his tongue. > then some ice cream and apple turnover in > the Hutchinson Commons building. It's like "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" except instead of doing drugs up and down the Strip, it's all about eating candy and ice cream while using computers in college libraries. But other than that this is the same thing. > The Hutchinson building has a tower with many gargoyle figures. Heavens! The Obvious Bag is about to burst! I think I better go toss it in the river before something too obvious pops out. > This is the first campus that I see alot of gargoyles on buildings ...yeah, usually Archie only sees them in mirrors. *BANG* There goes the Obvious Bag! I guess it just couldn't hold it in. > and the buildings, many of them are made out of a tan limestone. A tan limestone is like a green brownstone only the other way around. > I guess limestone is easy to carve with, but I would guess that > wood buildings would also be conducive for carving out gargoyles. Oh, yeah, you gotta carve the whole building from a single block of stone. Especially if you want to make it air-tight and leave out any doors or windows to keep Archie out. > And across the street from the Hutchinson Tower with its > gargoyles is the beautiful Unitarian church spire made out of > this tan limestone. The spire is beautiful because I believe > the dimensions of the spire itself follows the golden-mean-ratio. > Too many spires are oddball dimensions. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired psychedelic rock band name #41: TOO MANY SPIRES Archimedes Plutonium-inspired psychedelic rock band name #42: THE ODDBALL DIMENSIONS Hey, Arch, how tall are you? That should be the unit for measuring oddball dimensions. > And down the street from Hutchinson Tower are two more towers > of the Seminary tower and the Rockefeller chapel tower. So within > a block of each other there are 3 towers and 1 spire for a > beautiful view. Yeah, I'm sure it's much more beautiful than it would be if they hadn't built a university campus all over the meadow. > And across the street from these towers is the Univ of Chicago > quadrangle. Here I can see some general and consistent > architectural design as exemplified in the psychology building > and the business building and the history building. Observation: Archie didn't go near the science building. > And I can see where a school in a later period of time should > get away from the original design. But is this getting away > from the original college campus architectural design with > modern design in need of some new theme for which many > of the newer buildings abide with that new theme? Or are > all new buildings hodge podge and each new building different > from all the rest. In the future all college buildings will be required to be exactly the same! And they will all have a special chair reserved in case the King of Science visits! And it will be made from solid gold! With a solid gold whoopee cushion on it! And there will be a soft-serve ice cream dispenser too! > Let me examine that question with the Univ of Chicago. > Next to the Crerar library is a life-science building which has > fluted brick work, a massive fluted brickwork which the best way > for me to describe it is that one builds a square building > and then puts the square inside a "stonehenge type brickwork". Yep, just like the bricks they used when they built Stonehenge. > And nearby also we see this fluted pattern again with the geology > building only this time with a mix of brick and limestone. Do the > flutes serve any functional use or are they an extravaganza > for mere sight? Archie goes to the symphony just to look at the flutes. > And come to think of it, the life-science building of Univ > of Chicago looks like an enlarged image of a computer chip, and > a shame the building did not house the electrical engineers > because the looks of this building reminds one of an enlarged > semiconductor. ...whereas Archie's head reminds many of an enlarged semibutt. > I believe in a coherent, consistent architecture that unifies > the campus. But I also concede that a college must sometime > change its style of architecture. But in the changed portion > most buildings should resemble or have the change resembling the > new style. And I do not think the U of Chicago is going to > build numerous stonehenge fluted buildings. Let's see. Stonehenge was made from gluing together some bricks and flutes. And computer-chip-shaped buildings should only be used to house computer engineers. And in the future all college buildings must be identical. So, this means that all colleges will be required to cover their campus with copies of Stonehenge made from bricks and flutes, and inside will be hundreds of clones of John Cage throwing bricks at musical instruments. And then when John Cage publishes those compositions, Archimedes will write his own plutonium-oriented lyrics. "Violin Falling Down Stairs While I Hit Some Flutes With A Brick" will become "Plutonium Falling Down Stairs While Archimedes Plutonium Hits Some Plutonium With A Brick Of Plutonium". > Before leaving the Univ of Chicago, I want to add that my > father and I visited this campus circa 1971. A visit designed > to see the bookstore and buy a book. ARCHIE DESIGNED HIS VISIT... TO THE BOOKSTORE... TO BUY... A BOOK? GENIUS!!!! > And I rather embarrassed my father *BOOM*! The Obvious Bag goes up in a nuclear explosion as trillions of dancing bears pop out carrying green and purple banners which say "'I rather embarassed my father' -- Archimedes Plutonium" and God makes confetti fall from the sky. > because I wore a respirator for the air pollution for much of the > time here in Chicago in 1971. > My anti-air-pollution campaign has significantly toned down > since the 1970s and can even say that Chicago has nowhere > the problem that LA has. Because Chicago gets enough wind ...Obvious Bag yadda yadda... boom. > and rain to sort of flush out the poisonous bad air frequently. > But that Chicago still has too much air pollution for me to > want to live here permanently. Nobody lives anywhere permanently. Until after they're dead. Life is short but death is forever. With that in mind, I'd be quite happy if you went to Chicago permanently. -- K. Or you could go to wherever W.C. Fields is, and they'd have to change his tombstone to say "I'd rather have HIM be in Philadelphia." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.accelerators,sci.physics.electromag,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie AP's SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY; Fermi pile at Univ Chicago Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 10:23:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for everyone's favorite game show, "IS ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM SMARTER THAN A SQUIRREL?" On the left, Archimedes Plutonium. On the right, an ordinary verminous squirrel. Tonight we'll see which will be the first to figure out whether this indoor palm tree in Chicago is real or fake! Ready... set... go! Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I stopped into the 311 S. Wacker skyscraper and tried to > make out whether the palm trees were real or plastic fakes and > wonder how long a squirrel would require to find out if a tree > were real or a plastic fake. Bzzzt! Archie has stopped trying to figure it out and is cheating by watching the squirrel actually figuring it out! It took the squirrel 1.1 seconds and Archimedes Plutonium has been disqualified for trying to cheat off a squirrel! THE SQUIRREL WINS! -- K. When it comes to Archie, squirrels always win! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Story (newish): I'M WITH STUPID Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 10:37:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I wrote this two and a third years ago and never did anything with it except submit it to some syndicate that didn't like it, unless I didn't even bother submitting it, I don't remember. //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// I'M WITH STUPID by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry It was strapping tape, hundreds of yards of it, the kind with the dozen parallel fiberglass threads that made it stronger than steel. And Albert Einstein had accidentally wrapped his entire body in it! His dog, Spot, tugged on one end with his teeth. "Professor, how the heck did you get this much tape on your body? And you'd better be wearing something underneath!" Spot ran in circles around the great scientist, ripping foot after foot off Einstein's legs. Einstein took a while to answer. "I was, um, doing this experiment... a real physics experiment, not something sleazy... on something that had no involvement with any sort of tape. Then this flock of ducks came in and wrapped me in duck tape." He seemed satisfied with this pathetic lie, but Spot shook his head sadly. Even he, a mere puppy, knew the difference between strapping tape, duct tape, and duck tape. "Arf! Arf!" yapped Spot as he tore the last bits of tape from Einstein's hair, what was left of it. The tape fell to the floor, revealing that he was clad only in his "I'M WITH STUPID" t-shirt and Scooby-Doo Underoos. Spot knew the signs well: Einstein was having another one of his episodes, and was about to run through the streets raving like a madman. "One," said Spot to himself. It always happened on four. "Two..." "Three..." Einstein started twirling around, flapping his arms. "Look at me! I'm Olive Oyl!" He ran out the door and tumbled down the stairs of his apartment building, shouting "Ohhhh, Popeye, HELLLLLLLP!" Spot trotted down the stairs, trailing tape from one of his paws. "Professor, you've got to remember to take your meds. This is almost as embarrassing as the time you invited Stephen Hawking and Benny Hill to the same party. Hey, what's the blue stuff?" Einstein was sitting in a circular puddle of bright blue fluid, radiating out from him uniformly, like gravity waves. Einstein looked at the puddle. It was fizzing. "Oh dear. I seem to have sprung a coolant leak. Error. Error. Errkzkzkzzzzz--" His head exploded. Vacuum tubes, relays, and differential integrator cams flew everywhere. Einstein was a robot, and not even a very good one! "HUH?" screamed Spot. This latest turn of events was too much for his tiny little brain to assimilate. Sure, he was a puppy who lived with Albert Einstein in the present day and Einstein was a raving lunatic. That was perfectly plausible. But for Einstein to be an android, that's the sort of thing that could just never happen! Spot put his paws over his eyes and wished that it would all go away. When he uncovered his eyes, Einstein was gone, as was the blue puddle! Spot ran up the stairs to Einstein's apartment, burst in the door, and-- --the dignified Nobel laureate was writing an equation on his blackboard, an equation so complex that it needed all six colors of chalk. "So sorry to trick you like that, little Spot," he said without looking up from his work, "but NASA said it was important that the robot Einstein be thoroughly tested before we sent it to Mars. If the robot could fool a confused little puppy, it could undoubtedly fool any strange and primitive alien life forms." Spot happily licked Einstein's shoe. "Oh, Professor, I'm so glad you're not really a robot with an exploding head." Einstein tried to shoo Spot from his shoe, and turned away from the blackboard. Spot screamed. Einstein was wearing an "I'M WITH A ROBOT" t-shirt, and the arrow was pointing at... Spot! "No! No! No!" wailed the puppy, running in circles in terror, caroming of random pieces of furniture in Einstein's living-room lab. He wasn't a robot! He was a real live puppy! Einstein frowned. "Looks like you're malfunctioning, Spot. I'd better reset your central processor." He lunged for Spot, who dived under the waterbed. Einstein grabbed a broom and began to poke the handle at him. "Come out, little puppy! I only want to help you! You're obviously suffering from a virus you got from your Web browser!" Spot began to cry blue tears. "I'm not a robot I'm not I'm not waaaaaaaaaah!" Sparks shot from his ears, blowing a hole in the underside of the waterbed. H2O deluged him, shorting out every circuit in his body. Spot lost consciousness as his head exploded. In a typically cinematic gesture, Einstein swept everything off his workbench, sending his incomplete SeaQuest model crashing to the floor. He gingerly placed Spot's charred and fragmented body on the workbench and began the process of rebuilding the robotic puppy. After several hours of delicate microsurgery, Spot was almost operational, except that his head wasn't yet reattached. "Arf!" yapped the head. Einstein patted it and Spot's leg rotated. Einstein made a mental note to fix that. "Well, Spot, we've tried programming you to think that I'm a robot... that I'm not a robot... that you're a robot... and that you're not a robot. There's only one stage left." The head looked up at him. "What's left, Professor?" "Spot, from now on, you're going to think you're me." He glued a little fright wig and mustache on the dog's head and then snapped it into place. "Energy equals mass times the square of the speed of light!" shouted Spot. "Hey, who are you?" "I'm your creator, Albert Einstein." "You can't be, I'm Albert Einstein!" "Are not!" "Am too! YAP! YAP! YAP!" Spot tried to bite Einstein, who hid under the drained waterbed. Spot grabbed the broom and poked the professor. "Ow! Stop it! Okay, I admit it, you're Albert Einstein. I guess I'm a stupid puppy named Spot." "That's better," said Spot, "I'm glad you realize that I'm Albert Einstein. Hey, wait a minute! I've got a mustache! I never had one before. What would people say if Albert Einstein suddenly had a mustache?" Spot ran into the bathroom and smeared shaving cream all over his face, but when he picked up the razor it slipped out of his paw and landed in the toilet. "Waah! My razor! Now I'll have to go give my lecture on high-energy particle physics with a STUPID MUSTACHE!" Spot ran out the door in tears, which disappeared into the globs of shaving cream on his face. In the lobby of the apartment building, he met respected psychiatrist Dr. Joyce Brothers. "Eek. A mad dog," she said emotionlessly when she saw the menthol foam-covered puppy. Spot smiled, making shaving cream drip on her shoes. "I'm not a dog. I'm the greatest scientist who ever lived, Albert Einstein." He wagged his tail to show her that he was a good Einstein, yes he wuzzy-wuzzy. She sprayed him with Mace. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THAT HURTS MY EYES WORSE THAN THE SHAVING CREAM!" While Spot cried and cried (that's the most complex coping strategy he knew: to cry AND cry) Dr. Joyce ran off to the airport to visit several TV talk shows, telling everyone in the world that Albert Einstein was rabid. His Nobel Prize was rescinded. His picture was taken off the one-dollar bill. (If you don't believe me, check your wallet, he's not there.) Einstein's career was ruined! But at least it was now proven that the robot Spot could deal with any situation, including an irate Dr. Joyce Brothers. After reprogramming Spot to think he was himself again, Einstein launched him towards Mars in a rocket just his size. It had room for Spot, his doggie bed, his doggie dish, and his doggie bag, which contained all the food he would need for the six-month voyage. Of course, moments after launch, he had eaten it all. "Hello, Mission Control, oooooo, I don't feel so good," whined Spot. He had eaten all the jars of Fishlets and all the packets of Sixlets and they were sedimenting in his stomach. His stomach was so bloated that the electrodes attached to it (for medical monitoring) popped off. He stuck them back on, a little bit lower and off-center. "Spot, this is Capcom at Houston. According to our medical readouts, your appendix is swollen to the size of a stomach, and it's filled with Fishlets and Sixlets. I'm afraid you're going to have to take out your own appendix." Spot was scared. He'd never won a game of Operation in his life. He hoped that NASA had provided him with better surgical instruments than the sheet-metal tweezers that came with Operation. Groaning with indigestion, he opened the emergency supplies locker and discovered-- --a Band-Aid and a pair of toenail clippers. And a monkey wrench. And a wing nut. He dumped them out of the locker to get a good look at the thing in the back. It seemed to be a robot of some kind, resembling a shorter version of Robert Picardo. It was wearing a t-shirt that said "I'M THE OBLIGATORY STAR TREK REFERENCE TO GUARANTEE THAT TREKKIES WILL LIKE THIS STORY SO THAT I'LL SELL A MILLION COPIES." "Hello, Spot," said the robo-doc, "it's time to take out your appendix." The robot held up its arm, which ended with a big revolving drill bit. Spot screamed. This wasn't completely realistic in every way like Star Trek! The robo-doc chased him up and down the trapezoidal corridors of the spaceship until Spot found a pistol and shot the robo-doc with it. The robot was neutralized and now appeared to be covered with tiny pom-poms. Spot looked at the gun. It was labeled: DEEDLIE RAY, MARK TWELVE. "Wow!" he yapped. "This explains everything! Now I know how they get the little balls onto the curtains in suburban living rooms!" He fired the ray gun at the console, which developed fringes ending in the fuzzy little balls. "Cool!" Spot deedlied everything in the ship, making it look very posh. Avocado green, harvest gold, and burnt orange tassels were everywhere, all ending in deedlie balls! This was the most luxurious spaceship interior ever! He forgot about the pains in his stomach, even though ground control kept radioing him that his appendix was rumbling. The console was beeping. Spot was ecstatic. "Time to land! Oh joy! Time flies when you've got a deedlie gun!" He strapped himself into the special doggie bed which had cost taxpayers over ten billion dollars, and the rocket landed on the eerie red planet. Spot put on his transparent spherical helmet with the zigzag antenna sticking up, and his extra-heavy boots to keep from floating away (because everyone knows there's no gravity on other planets.) He opened the door, tripped, and fell down the ramp. "Wow! I'm the first dog on Mars! I'd better think of something inspirational to say in commemoration of this momentous event! Uh... duh?" Spot thought and thought, but couldn't think of anything to say while he watched the glorious rainbow-colored sunset behind the two moons over this beautiful landscape, untouched by human hands. Spot traipsed across it, leaving dirty paw prints everywhere. Maybe if he looked behind that nearby mountain range, he'd see something which would inspire him to say something immortal. Bounding across Mars in his heavy boots, Spot met a little green guy with three eyes. "Bzmxifznix gzylfxipzibzim?" said the Martian. "HA HA! YOU'RE FUNNY!" shouted Spot, rolling in the sand laughing. The Martian, insulted, left. The radio in Spot's helmet told him that he needed to return to the ship before his oxygen ran out. He trotted back to the ship and blasted off. High above Mars, he looked out the porthole and saw hundreds of Martians stretching something large and white and 50% cotton across the face of Mars. It was the largest t-shirt in the Universe, and it said "I'M WITH STUPID," with the arrow pointing to the Earth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I'm rich, I tell ya! RICH!!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 03:59:45 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I got an E-mail this morning. It's too personalized to be a spam, but > since it's probably selling something I'll post it anyway... > > From: "Heshmukh Mirpuri" > To: "Simon Clark" (clarksj@my-deja.com) > Subject: Re: Hefty Kewl New Invention: The Fridge Magnet! > Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 14:30:27 +0800 > > > > We would like to introduce our company as manufacturers and exporters > > of "AS SEEN ON TV" products in Hongkong. > > > > HSM INTERNATIONAL specializes in the field of designing, manufacturing and > > exporting "As Seen On TV" products. They can only design products which have already been seen on TV? > > We continue to develop innovative products to satisfy our customers. > > > > We have products like household, giftware, exercisers, personal care, etc. > > i.e Handy Rack, Closet Genie, Bird Clock, Hook Wizard, Corner Chic Shelf, > > BuckWheat Pillow, Magnetic Window Cleaner, Magic Apple Peeler, Onion > > Blossom, Magnetic Insoles, Bun & Thigh Sculptor, Ab Sculptor and many > > more.. The Banana Hanger, the "Star Trek" Transporter Pen And Pencil Holder, Blu-Blockers, Rich Chocolate Ovaltine, and THE ONE BEE GEES ALBUM YOU _HAVE_ TO OWN! > > With our 25 years experienced mold maker, engineering team & skilful > > manpower, we are capable of handling OEM projects efficiently. Our mold > > maker is very quick and can complete projects 2 times faster than other > > mold makers in HongKong and China. Besides time, his first injection > > shot are the product. Must... resist... lure... of... the... Obvious Bag... must... not... allude... to... "Dr. Pepper" joke... heard... in... seventh... grade... > > If you have a new product or a specific design that needs to be developed, > > the same can be exclusive for you at your target price. > > > > For more information or catalogues, please do not hestitate to fax or > > email us. (Hestitation is when you run around a lawless post-apocalyptic wasteland with a rifle shooting at talking apes who want to pass stricter gun laws. I mean, stricter gun lawlessnesses.) > > Best regards, > > HSM International > > > > Heshmukh Mirpuri > > MARKETING MANAGER > > > > ----- Original Message ----- > > > From: Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) > > > Subject: Hefty Kewl New Invention: The Fridge Magnet! > > > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.inventors > > > Sent: Thursday, October 14, 1999 7:53 PM > > > > > > [...] > > > > > > First came Magnetic Letters, then Magnetic Words, but now there is... > > > > > > ************************ > > > * Magnetic Handwriting * > > > ************************ > > > > > > [...] > > > > > > And remember: I thought of it first. Also, I call dibs. NOT FOR > > > STEALING!!! > > Well at least SOMEBODY liked my idea! I liked your idea. Once I found it amid all those asterisks. Someone should do something to make it easy to pick the asterisks out of these articles! Someone should invent a magnet that attracts only asterisks! -- K. H*Y*M*A*N K*A*P*L*A*N INVENTED IT, IT'S CALLED A W*E*B*T*V*!*!*! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.fetish.fashion From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: High Technology Used To Terrorize People Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 04:17:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sex.fetish.fashion, "Ultra21753" (ultra21753@aol.com) wrote: > > High Technology Used To Terrorize People Around the world, thousands of people are simultaneously shouting "Hey! I came to alt.sex.fetish.fashion for erotic rubber bondage, not WEIRD STUFF!" > Hello, > > I'm writing this message to try to bring awareness to a very serious problem > that is occurring where I live, Camden County, New Jersey (USA.) I have been > targeted by some kind of harassment group. This group uses the most high tech > equipment to terrorize its victim. I was told that the group is funded by real > estate companies and/or a government agency called HUD (Housing and Urban > Development). The group targets unwelcome neighbors in a community. It would > seem that neighbors with criminal records, criminal behavior, mental disorders, > or nonconforming attitudes could be targeted by this group. Your race and > sexual orientation could also be a factor. MIND CONTROL RAYS ARE TARGETING PEOPLE WHO LIKE LEATHER! I MEAN REALLY LIKE LEATHER! BECAUSE SPACE ALIENS DON'T LIKE LEATHER! (Space aliens only have fetishes for radioactive halogens.) > Some of the equipment that this group is in possession of is sensitive > listening equipment, through wall imaging technology, and non-lethal sonic > weapons. In a community that has an unwelcome neighbor, this group will move > into the closest house possible to the unwelcome neighbor. This high tech > equipment is operated in side of a house next to or across the street. Nothing > out of the ordinary will be noticed by the victim. The group performs illegal > surveillance of the victim by using listening equipment and this new through > wall imaging technology. The listening equipment is the type that picks up > conversation inside a house just by pointing the device at a house. The through > wall imaging system displays images of people inside a house by also pointing > the device at a house. After the surveillance period is over, the group will > use its high tech weapons to attack and/or terrorize its victim. These weapons > can also be used to create symptoms of physical and/or mental disorders. GET ME 500 CC's THORAZINE, STAT, GUMMIKRANKENSHWESTER! > Non-lethal sonic weapons are weapons that fire a very powerful focused sonic > (sound) wave. This is not the type of sound you hear but the type you would > feel in an explosion, a shock wave. The sonic wave this weapon produces will > pass straight through the walls of a house without causing any damage to it. If > the sonic wave strikes a human, they could feel a severe jolt as the wave > passes through their body. These sonic waves are called sonic bullets. The > Discovery Channel did a special called "Shoot not to Kill," which demonstrated > their use. These weapons are targeted with this new type of imaging system that > can see through walls of a house. The victim can be identified and targeted > even in a house with more that one person in it. It is important to remember > that these weapons are fried from inside of the house next door or across the > street. No one will run up to the victim's house and fire these weapons. The > weapon is out of sight and no visual sighting of it is possible. > > The group plays on the victims fears. They use the information collected from > the surveillance stage to decide how best to use their high tech weapons > against its victim. They use a sound projection device called "Acoustic > Heterodyne," which can project audible messages and other types of sounds at > its victim. A victim could be tricked into believing their living in a haunted > house, for example. If the victim is unaware of what is happening they could be > driven insane or pushed over the edge. A child with a mental disorder could be > driven into an institution from this. > > Please read the information on the web page and its links, that I listed below. > I am selling nothing. This could happen to you. This group is able to get away > with its activities because not many Americans know of this technology and/or > don't believe that a group would go to all the trouble to carry out this type > of harassment. Please remember these people are extremist. Please feel free to > post this information in any other forum. Just think, while you're talking about secret mind-control rays here on the thigh-high welly boot newsgroup, someone is posting an elaborate description of a teddy covered with D-rings over on alt.mindcontrol.rays. -- K. The PVC-coated nun fastened alligator clips to the D-rings of my leather cumberbund and latex bumberchute, then switched on the mind-control laser cannon disguised as an ordinary household spanking machine... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.edu,sci.physics,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY; ugliness of Case Western Reserve Univ. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 05:25:35 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, sci.edu, sci.physics, and soc.history, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Many know that I am touring both the USA and Europe to visit the sites of > the famous science achievements. Many more know that you are touring the USA to eat ice-cream. > Because the Michelson experiment occurred at Case in Cleveland Ohio, > required me to visit that campus. Maybe you should visit the site where grammar was invented. You might learn something. (Also, I apologize for putting line breaks in the 200-column lines in your article. I will assume I didn't ruin your brilliant prose.) > And I do not remember whether I had seen this famous experiment on display > in the physics building when I visited the campus circa 1968 with my father, > which would be about 31 years > ago from 1999. 1999 minus 1968 is _about_ 31! GENIUS! > My father and I visited Case Western around 1968 because they required a > personal interview for admission. Um, Arch, that was the mental asylum next door. > And it ended up that I would attend Univ of Cincinnati ...and then went on to Dartmouth to do graduate research in dishwashing. > and the visit to Case ended up as only a sightseeing tour. > And I do not remember if I strolled through the physics building or > someplace on campus and saw a display of the Michelson Experiment. My mind > says yes. Do you often disagree with your mind? Do you often lose arguments to it? > In that I remember a sunny day of 1968 and a building of a glass sort of > wall and just inside there was a display of the Michelson interferometer. > Perhaps my memory is playing tricks on me and that I saw this > display not in person but on a documentary film. Perhaps The > Mechanical Universe series. > > Anyway, there I was on the CWRU campus of Saturday morning > 16Oct99, from around 0800 until 1330 when the police executed > a police action against me. Archimedes Plutonium wins the opposite of the Nobel Peace Prize for declaring that HE WAS THE ENTIRE KOREAN WAR! > I was wandering around the campus trying to remember as much as I could > of 31 years gone by. If I cannot remember well enough of a day or two spent > at CWRU 31 years ago, then there is little hope of remembering well of > anything of my previous reincarnated life as Archimedes of ancient Greek > or Democritus of ancient Greek of over 2,000 years ago. So, I was using CWRU > as a sort of test of memory. Yes, because Democritus used to hang out at CWRU all the time. I read it in Erik Von DŠniken's masterpiece, TOGA PARTIES OF THE GODS! > When I was at CWRU 31 years ago, I never had it in mind to "try to remember" > anything much of the campus and so this return visit to CWRU would make an > interesting test of memory and especially for reincarnation purposes. > > So, I quickly found the statue moment to the Michelson experiment and > then was trying to locate the physics building/s wherein a display of the > Michelson equipment. The campus on that saturday was nearly all closed and > locked and only a few people could be seen. However, I did notice alot of > police driving by very often in my walking around the campus. Those high-tech new police cars are hooked into both the Global Positioning System and the Plutonium Alarm so that when an alert citizen spots Archie Plutonium, a flashing red "DANGER: BOZO AT 2 O'CLOCK" lights up on their dashboard. Of course, they haven't yet gotten the latest upgrade which corrects it to "DANGER: BOZO 24 HOURS A DAY." > I asked a few persons questions such as where the Western Reserve > buildings were before the merger. And where was the undergraduate > admission building. > > I then took a stroll down to Severance Hall again and found a severed head! > library down there and made some posts and then returned up through the > north side of campus back to the quadrangle when a CWRU policeman wearing > badge 031 in a van stopped me and started to ask questions. I told him what > I was doing-- GENIUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GENIUS!!! > taking notes, on a science tour, looking for Michelson experiment and > trying to remember the campus. He asked where I was from and I said > New Hampshire travelling on bus around the US touring the sites of > famous science. Of course, when you claimed to live in New Hampshire, the policeman checked the Internet on his van's WebTV and saw all those dozens of articles where you insisted you had moved from Dartmouth to that "house" you bought in Canada because Dartmouth didn't fire you, you just wanted to move to Canada for three days and then park your brand-new purple Toyota pickup truck there while travelling across the USA by Greyhound bus, and that you like ice cream. Police are trained to be suspicious of any liars who like ice cream. > All of which seemed to glide off of this CWRU officers head. Nothing I > said seemed to register with him. But it seemed as though the only thing > on his mind was to "interrogate me, to stop and detain". And then he > became really police-tactic and insisted that I show him an ID of myself. > > I told him that he had no probable cause of asking for my ID. THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, THE PURPOSE OF AN ID IS THAT YOU MUST NEVER SHOW IT TO ANYONE, EVER! GENIUS! > That someone looking at the buildings on campus and taking notes > of a statue is not any sort of behaviour to "stop the person and to insist > for an ID". Hey, Arch, you should take a digital camera (you remember digital cameras, right? You said you invented them.) and go over to Toys R Us and take a bunch of photos and tell us what happens. Also try the book department at Micro Center, that educational toy store at the South Shore Mall, and especially that Mafia-run video arcade on Washington Street. > That the police, the real police of the USA cannot stop people and waste > their time unless there is probable cause of wrongdoing. And just walking > around on campus and taking notes of a statue is not probable cause of > any wrongdoing. And here are Archie's notes: +---------------------------------------------------------+ | | | WOW | | | | THIS IS A | | | | | | STATUE | | | | | | | | IT IS BIG | | | | | | | | LOOK MOM I AM WRITING ON A | | | | | | NOTEPAD!!!!!!!!!!!! | | | | | | | | | | THE ENB | +---------------------------------------------------------+ > This CWRU police with badge 031 then demanded I show him ID. And you had an ID also ending in "-031" and he yelled, "YAHTZEE!" I find it ironic that you're repeatedly pointing out that you were staring at his badge number, but how DARE he ask to see your expired ID! So how come Dartmouth didn't confiscate your Official Dishwasher Of Dartmouth College card when you left because you weren't fired? Or did you show him one of your many other equally valid IDs? Does your ID by any chance say "ATOM INSPECTOR"? If not, does it at least say "COPYRIGHT SPENCER GIFTS"? > I responded by saying that I need his name in return because I will post > his name to the world wide web internet as a CWRU cop who is taking a > police-action when none is required. I told him that if I were to litter > the campus or to sleep on the campus or to piss on a building or disturb > the peace that he had rights to stop me and to require ID. But I thought you were the King of Science and were therefore allowed to piss on buildings all day because you're better than us. I mean, every king has to piss on SOMETHING the serfs can't! Otherwise, what's the point of being king? > That he needed some probable cause to stop me. I refused to show him any ID He needed probable cause, so you refused to show your ID... GENIUS! DOUBLE GENIUS WITH NUCLEAR SPRINKLES!!! > and told him that I was going to go to the physics building to see if it > was open and to look for a Michelson display, and if the building was > locked that I would thence depart the campus and never return. > > I walked to the physics building and it was nearby. It was closed and > I was heading to exit the campus when this CWRU police badge 031 driving > backwards All by itself? > screeched to a halt in his van, jumped out and told me that unless I > showed him some ID that he would arrest me on the spot and take me off > to jail. As he was telling me this, his supervisor of the CWRU police > arrived (his badge was 110 for none of these CWRU police would tell me > their names). Yeah, and if they did, they'd just give out a funny made-up name like "Jack Sprat" or "Ben Dover" or "Archimedes Plutonium". Hey, Arch, have you ever thought of adopting a middle initial to be classy? You'd sound so much more ritzy as "Archimedes Q. Plutonium The Firstest". > And I was then surrounded by 4, yes 4 CWRU policepersons. One in a van, > one male on foot and a female police CWRU on foot and a male CWRU > police on bicycle. > > There I was, surrounded by 4 CWRU police persons, all because I was > walking around campus and making notes of the Michelson experiment statue. What were you eating at the time? It wasn't one of those ILLEGAL flavors of ice cream, was it? > I do not believe that walking around any campus of the US looking at > their buildings and taking notes of their statues is any sort of probable > cause for stopping and detaining a person and to require any ID. > > This reminded of the MIT incident circa 1992?, and I had a flashback > of the MIT incident, and I said to myself. At MIT, the police crowded > around me but there I was shouting at the top of my voice I know, I was in the Boston Public Library then and I heard a librarian tapping the "QUIET PLEASE" sign with her pen because she thought Don Saklad was hanging around but it was just your voice coming from a couple miles away. > and disturbing the peace on the MIT campus, and so the MIT police had an > obligation to stop me. But the MIT police never asked for ID, Well, Arch, I think any rentacop can tell you're no MIT student. > they simply said that I had to get off of the MIT steps and go across > the street which was not MIT property. > > HERE, the CWRU police insisted on ID saying that CWRU was private property. You should have showed them the deed to your private island. > I was clocking the time and this entire police action started 1300 and > ended 1320. TWenty minutes of my life wasted by what I felt , I ONCE AGAIN APOLOGIZE FOR INSERTING LINE BREAKS INTO ARCHIE'S HUMONGOUSLY LONG LINES, ESPEICALLY THE ONE I JUST INSERTED AFTER "TWenty minutes of my life wasted by what I felt ," -- Archimedes Plutonium > police who did not know their jobs well enough. > > The badge number of the supervisor was 110 and the badge of the officer > who originally stopped me was 031 but the supervisor said his badge was > really 131. Since all of them refused to give me their names I do not > know whether I can believe much of what they did say. Yeah, policemen are so much less trustworthy than people who own invisible private islands and homes in Canada that they only live in for three days and make millions playing the stock market while washing dishes for a living so they can get college Internet access because they can't afford to pay $10 per month to get an Internet account. > So, there I was surrounded by 4 CWRU police persons that want my ID > or else arrest me. I really hope the punchline is going to be "...and then I remembered: I lost my ID card in the La Brea tar pits last week." But I know that that can't be the punchline because (a) I don't think you could be posting this from a WebTV in your jail cell because they probably don't allow Internet access on your first day of jail, and (b) Mark-Jason Dominus was the one who thunk up the "I hope you lose your ID card in the La Brea tar pits" meme several years ago, and you, Archie, are no Mark-Jason Dominus. You're not even Mark, Jason, OR Dominus! YOU'RE JUST A DRIFTER WHO FOUND A SACK OF MAIL! No, wait, that's Kevin Costner as "The Postman". Be that as it may, you're still not bright enough to come up with a sentence about losing your ID card in the La Brea tar pits. Heck, you're not even bright enough to be able to lose your ID card in the La Brea tar pits. > And so, I am thinking to myself, that after telling 031 all about CWRU > and the Michelson experiment and that 110 telling me about "private property" > but he not knowing or understanding of "probable cause" and that you cannot > stop people whether on private property or not unless you have probable cause. I... see. So there's no such thing as tresspassing? Do you mind if I use your bathroom? For the next several years? > That something more important than private property is that USA citizens > are private individuals and take precedence over private property. AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF CLUELESSNESS! DANCING OVER THE HORIZON, SPARKLING AND GLOWING! WAIT, WHAT'S THIS? THEY'RE NOT COMING ANY CLOSER! THE DANCING BEARS OF CLUELESSNESS HAVE STOPPED BECAUSE THEY CAN'T CROSS THE STREET BECAUSE IT'S NOT PRIVATE PROPERTY!!! > That you do not have "public statues" such as the Fermi statue on the > private property of Univ of Chicago and then demand ID by the UC police, > likewise you do not have public statues of Michelson at CWRU and then > "stop and demand" ID of private citizens wishing to see the statue. Did you tell them you were protected by the Statue Of Limitations? > So, the realization in my mind now was -- here goes -- these policeman, > what will they ever think when I show them ID of a name Archimedes Plutonium. Suddenly it dawns on Archie that his name might look silly on an ID card. AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF SLIGHTLY LESS CLUELESSNESS!!! > These 4 police who probably never believed a word of what I had told them. > And who seemed bent on only some kind of Marshal-police-tactics. Of course, if Archie ran the police, it would be more along the lines of "Marshall, Will, and Holly" police tactics. (Cue banjo music and stock footage of flickery dinosaurs chasing a one-inch-long rubber raft down a blue waterfall that comes out of a faucet. Cut to the "Sid & Marty Krofft" logo making funny beeping noises.) > They did not want to hear anything that makes my prescence at CWRU > legitimate, all they wanted was to go through some of their Police Drills > on me. Oh, so they were Dental Police. > So, I pull out my USA passport. Badge 031 cannot read my name. And asks > for me to tell him my name. I say to him, you have never heard of Archimedes? > I say "You cannot pronounce Archimedes?" Then badge 110 being curious looks > at the passport. He must have been new. Most police see HUNDREDS of passports that say "Archimedes Plutonium" every day. > Then badge 031 says "this is not a good ID do you have some real ID"? > My response was that a US passport is good for everyone else in the United > States and most foreign countries but not good for the Case Western Police. But, Arch, your passport was issued by the government. That means it's public property and private property always takes precedence over private property because, oh, I can't follow your logic any more, let's just say that your passport's no good because you like ice cream. > I then said that Case Western is the most police gestapo campus that > I have ever encountered and I asked whether the campus has had alot of > crime and violence in the past to render the CWRU campus such a police > tactic state campus. Well, you don't see any crazy dishwashers urinating on buildings, do you? > Badge 110 then repeated that since CWRU was private property that they > could stop anyone anytime and ask for ID and that because I was " so > uncooperative" that I was being stopped. > > I then said that I was uncooperative because GENIUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GENIUS! "HEY! I AM RESISTING ARREST FOR A PRETTY GOOD REASON!" > the police had stopped me without probable cause, I find that... highly improbable. (Cue Leonard Nimoy singing "Highly... Improbable" before he goes back to his day job on "Mission: Improbable".) > and that they had no right to have stopped me in the first place because > I had no behaviour to warrant being stopped. YEAH! YOU WEREN'T LOITERING, YOU WEREN'T DOING ANYTHING AT ALL! > Then the station where badge 031 had sent my name came back with a blank. A... BLANK? Archimedes Plutonium was arrested by Charles Nelson Reilly! > So badge 031 assumed that my passport was phony and that the name was an > alias, and said to badge 110 that my passport was a phony. So then they > asked for my social security number and I gave it to them. And badge 031 > said well, that is an Ohio social security number not New Hampshire, isn't it. > Accusing me of being a liar. What could I say, for I thought to myself that > once policemen get into their police-tactic mood, it is useless to reason > with them. Fortunately, Archie never uses reason as a tactic. Did you try offering them some of your ice cream? > It took a long time for their station to reply back and their reply was that > I was Ludwig Hansen. So, I take it your last three legal changes-of-name accidentally got lost on the way to the government just like all those patents you were granted that the government doesn't know about? > I then showed them my drivers licence of New Hampshire. Archie is allowed to drive the whole state of New Hampshire around on tiny little wheels which pop out of the bedrock. > They phoned it into their station but another five minutes elapsed and > still no Archimedes Plutonium exists. HOORAY! > Then badge 031 asked for a valid drivers licence and I told him that this > licence was valid, here, look at the date of expiration which is 2000. But, Arch, that's the date of expiration of EVERYTHING. You know, all those computers will explode. No, wait, computers exploding is a stupid idea. Let's go back to talking about your perfectly sane idea about the Universe being a giant plutonium atom which will explode when it realizes you've discovered element 190. > Finally, these 4 CWRU police with the instructions by badge 110 filled out > a "Trespassing Slip" and wanted me to sign it. I refused and said I was > exiting the campus. They told me that should I ever step foot on campus > again that I would be arrested. You should go back to complain about that. > I departed CWRU. And I believe the physics or science or someone on the > CWRU campus on purpose set a trap for me. Yeah! They did that whole Michelson-Morley experiment just to trick mad scientists into wandering around looking at statues JUST BECAUSE they wanted to... um... because you like ice cream? > That the physics department of CWRU, of whom the chair of the physics > department I have had posted critical remarks about in the past on the > Internet, and that this is his way of getting even with me, by having the > CWRU police file a trespassing charge on Archimedes Plutonium. I believe the > chair of the CWRU physics begins with the letter "K". I ACCEPT THE POSITION WHOLEHEARTEDLY! -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.physics,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY; ugliness of Case Western Reserve U. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 05:32:39 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.chem, sci.physics, and sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Perhaps Uncle Al and Kibo were correct after all, that when the 4 police > of Case Western Reserve were doing their police action against > Archimedes Plutonium, that I should have simply told the police that I was > the "King of Science" and then they would have courtesied, bowed their heads > and given me a tour of the campus. And the head of the physics department > of CWRU invited me to dinner at his home. Perhaps they were right after all. To which kindly ol' Uncle Al (UncleAl0@hate.spam.net) responded: > > Why is this shithead still alive? Now, Uncle Al, in some countries, you could be beheaded for mocking the King of Science. You know, countries like Bozoland and Crackpotitonia. It would behoove us to show the proper respect to the King of Science. I suggest that next time you think before you speak so that you will remember the proper form of speaking of His Royal Majesty, the King of Science, is "Why is this royal shithead still alive?" -- K. Now please stop contaminating these dirty-language newsgroups with all that sciencey stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.psychology.misc,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY tour; make another circuit? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 05:38:31 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.psychology.misc, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) posted the following one-line article (in which I have added necessary line breaks): > > I had such a bad time at Case Western Reserve Univ that I think it a shame > to end the tour on that note. How about the final chord from The Beatles' "A Day In The Life"? Although I think you're more of an Eleanor Rigby type. > And since I have only used 1/2 of my time, I am thinking of making > another circuit. "Another" circuit? Arch, you couldn't make a circuit if you were standing in the bathtub holding two wires coming out of an electrical socket. > Perhaps see those things, not necessarily of science, but just to see and > experience those things which I missed before. Such as Richmond Va. and > Vancouver and Portland and Seattle and Rapid City and the Appalachian Mtn. > and many more. No point in ending a tour on a bad and sour note. Yeah, you should just keep going until Yoko breaks you up. > So, I have a few days to contemplate on this. STAND BACK, EVERYONE! ARCHIE'S PLUTONIUM-POWERED BRAIN IS A-COGITATIN'! -- K. Actually, Archie, even if your brain WERE plutonium, there wouldn't be enough to blow your ears off. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY tour; make another circuit? Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 21:11:50 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > And since I have only used 1/2 of my time, I am thinking of making > > > another circuit. > > > > "Another" circuit? > > > > Arch, you couldn't make a circuit if you were standing in the bathtub > > holding two wires coming out of an electrical socket. > > Thank you so much for that wonderful mental image. Because that mental image is proving so popular, I've patented it. Now nobody else can trick Archimedes Plutonium into electrocuting himself unless they pay me royalties for using Patent #6,666,666, "Method And Apparatus For Suicide Of Mad Scientist." Note that I also hold two patents which reference that one -- #6,666,667, "Method And Apparatus For Suicide Of Mad Scientist While Naked With Pantyhose Over His Head," and #6,666,668, "Method And Apparatus For Suicide Of Mad Scientist Involving Crashing The Moon Into Him While He's Naked." > Archie must have gone through Kansas, shedding his ATOM-TOTALITY meme > like an Ebola-carrying monkey. From last week's Boston Globe piece on > Kansas "intellectuals" and evolution: > > Some nights [Bonnie Smith] said, the sky seems so big > and remote that she thinks, "Maybe this is a 'Star Trek' > type thing, maybe we are just a point on a tiny atom > inside some other thing." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > So, Kansas rejects evolution and embraces the ATOM! Praise Pu! Oh, like Archie would be able to shed Ebola if he had it. He'd be selfish and keep it all to himself. He'd probably just stay home and stand in a bathtub full of Ebola while sticking handfuls of forks into a toaster. But I agree with you. Kansas has now not only seen the light that pi is legally required to be no greater than 3.0, but also that "Star Trek" is real and we're living inside an atom, just like in all those episodes of "Star Trek" where William Shatner went running around yelling, "I... AM... TRAPPED IN A GIANT... ATOM!!! THE ATOM!!!" -- K. What are those OTHER nights when Bonnie Smith thinks the sky seems small and two feet away? And which happens more often? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SPOILERS! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 06:08:32 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > FIGHT CLUB SPOILERS! > > > > You're really going to regret reading this if you haven't yet seen Fight Club. Your'e really going to regret seeing "Fight Club" if you've read this: Today, Roger Ebert's review of that movie called it -- and I quote: "...a quasi-Fascist vomitorium." (Remember when Siskel used to be the pretentious one?) While we're on a subject which allowed me to use a sentence containing the word "today", let me tell you what else I did today: 1.) I discovered that the Super 88 Super Market now has -- next to the "beef pizzle" -- packages of "cock testicles". I didn't even know roosters had 'em. I mean, I thought chickens reproduced asexually -- how's the rooster supposed to get anything through the shell of the egg? 2.) While taking one of my computers apart for no reason (well, okay, the reason was "so I could put it back together") I discovered that Home Depot magnetized my #0 Phillips screwdriver without telling me. So I demagnetized it by making it glow over my gas stove, quickly banging it on the rim of the sink while vertical, and then plunging it into cold water. I think it diminished the magnetism to about one-third strength, but I don't care, because I had fun because it was the first time I've ever seen a glowing screwdriver. -- K. Of course, the words "glowing" and "screwdriver" in the same sentence would lead to a Boris Yeltsin joke if I were Jay Leno. Fortunately, I'm more of a Benny Hill. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.game-shows,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Match Game 99 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 07:31:00 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.tv.game-shows, Ken Van Hoosier (vlankky@cs.com) wrote: > > ezmail@vertonet.com wrote: > > > > I herd that Goodson/Todman and Pearson TV is not renewing the New Match > > Game. Does any one have any truth to this matter?? > > We talked about this months ago. They only taped the show in 1998. Then never > made any episodes in 1999. It will never be returning! "Match Game: 1999" will never be returning? NEVER? I'll have you know that, for the rest of 1999, whenever I have six wacky celebrities in my apartment, I'll get the video camera out of the closet and make another episode of "Match Game: 1999". If you're really good, you can come and be in the studio audience, but reserve your seats now because the space in the bleachers in my living room is somewhat limited. I just wish Charles Nelson Reilly would stop ringing my doorbell at 3 A.M.; I've hold him a hundred times, I'll call him if anyone needs him. -- K. The best part about "Match Game: 1999" is always the part where, at the end, Martin Landau makes a big speech about man's inhumanity to man as the Moon sails off into the sunset. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Two reasons my prayers have been answered. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 07:51:55 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor 1.) Today I saw the single greatest interview ever, MTV's "Kennedy" attempting to interview Martin Landau at the Oscars, except that not only did she not know who he was, but she had never heard of "Mission: Impossible", so she started swearing, then he walked away, only to come back to tell her off. YAY! MARTY LANDAU WENT OUT OF HIS WAY TO SOCK IT TO A NITWIT! 2.) Today I discovered that someone read my mind and has been manufacturing packets of fried chicken skin pieces. They're like pork rinds except that chicken rinds don't come in a packet filled with fart gas, just chicken gas. So overall it was a pretty good day. Plus, at the end of the TV-movie "Timeshifters", this futuristic woman glowered into the camera and personally told me to PREPARE TO WITNESS THE GREATEST DISASTER EVER! and then they showed the trailer for that "Batman" movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the bald silver guy. This has alerted me to a great marketing strategy: No matter how bad your movie is, always end it with someone turning to the camera and saying, "WOW, THAT MOVIE THAT COMES AFTER THIS REALLY STINKS! BYE!" and then force the audience to stay in the theater for another movie to make yours look good. -- K. Wow, Matt McIrvin's followup to this really stinks. Bye! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.sugar-cereals From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: They're still working on ruining Froot Loops! Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 21:25:49 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Unlike Life Savers, which has declared that its pineapple flavor is not Y2K-compliant and will be destroyed in two months, Kellogg's Froot Loops cereal is embracing the new millennium with sugar-coated arms. At K-Mart yesterday I bought a big box of "Froot Loops 2000". (K-Mart is where you find all the best cereals, like Cap'n Crunch's "Oops! All Berries!" and the factory-reject version of that one, "Hooray! No Berries!" Not to mention "Quaker Corn Bran", which is made entirely from recycled cardboard boxes left over from making the other cereals.) "Froot Loops 2000" is like regular Froot Loops only it has three tiny bluish-green marshmallow squiggles somewhere in the box to represent 2's. So when you dump it into your bowl, you get OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO2OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO2OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO2OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO only with more broken pieces, plus some other unidentiable dried-out-and- then-stalened marshmallow blobs shaped like nothing in particular so I can't represent them on this computer which doesn't have any weird symbols on its keyboard. Except for &. And @. And %. And Q. Okay, so all symbols are weird in an abstract sense. But I don't have any that are weird enough to be Froot Loops mystery marshmallows. I certainly don't have any that taste like steamed Styrofoam. This new special limited edition of "Froot Loops 2000" will presumably only be available for a limited time, until the year 2999. Unless it sells well enough that they have to make a second batch. So, anyway, someday you'll be really old and will be ranting to your grandkids about what Froot Loops were like before The Dawn Of The Third Millennium Of Mankind: "When I was your age, Froot Loops only came in two colors -- they were in black and white! And they were all made of real fruit! Some of them still had peels on them! They had trees with ring-shaped fruit in it in those days. (It's the worms that made the holes!) And they were flavored with real sarsaparilla, horehound, and camphor. And what's with all these marshmallows these days? In my day, they didn't need to add sugar to Froot Loops to make it taste good! Back then, Froot Loops were covered with salt and castor oil, and we liked them! Of course, now I'm too old to want to eat anything that kids might enjoy, so I'm going to keep ranting about how awful Froot Loops are to make sure that you kids can't enjoy them either!" -- K. "Hey, why are my heart pills floating in the toilet?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: General things that bother me Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 22:07:03 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "R#v PtR" (Bertelsmanniac@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > I like Florence King's "Misanthrope's Corner" in the National Review [...] > > She's charmingly pathological, almost like a Lovecraft character. > > So would this be one of the Antarctic starfish-men, or the > indescribable Horrors that Should Not Be that they bred in the > bowels of the earth, or... or... Agh! The black pit! The > crawling chaos! The writhing horror! The color from out > of space! *The windowless solid of five dimensions*!!! > South Station Under! Washington Under! Park Street Under! > Mass Eye and Ear Infirmary! KendallCentralHARVARD!!!! HIKE! Dear A. J. Deutsch, You got the stations in the wrong order. The Boylston shuttle goes from Copley Under through the tunnel under the Charles to Kendall Square, and then it hits a node and the only way anyone noticed that all the Harvard professors went into a time warp is that someone points out that all the wristwatches on the train are three days behind all the newspapers on the train. And that the train's been changing from green to red as it goes through the tunnel under the river. Just for that I'm going to ask Jordan to kick you off the cast of that crossover episode of "Park Street Under" and "Mission Hill". -- K. Matt McIrvin is REQUIRED to explain that. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Saklad and Jack Benny Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 22:09:54 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp [I'm cross-posting this to soc.libraries.talk to warn Don Saklad that Ted Frank is trying to make fun of him behind his back, instead of being polite enough to make fun of him in soc.libraries.talk. And then I had to cancel it and repost it because I left out an important sentence about enemas.] Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I'm surprised Don Saklad has had nothing to say about the collection of > ribald Jack Benny letters being held at the Boston Public Library, but I > thought for sure Kibo would. I thought that everyone knew that he played dress-up (in an actual dress) at special secret parties thrown by Ed Wood, director of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "Glen or Glenda". At least, everyone cultured enough to have read more than one biography of Ed Wood's sordid later years. (I am not making this up -- Jack Benny really did wear lacy undies for Ed Wood, although he didn't appear in Ed's transvestite movies. Usually that was just Ed who played the female lead, although sometimes Ed put an actual girl in there too if he'd just met one who had an angora sweater he could only borrow if she got an acting role.) Unlike Ed Wood, Jack Benny wasn't a prominent enough Hollywood mover-and-shaker to come out of the closet as a raging drag queen. And from his act, nobody was able to tell that Jack Benny just might be gay. Of course, in the 1970s, Charles Nelson Reilly developed his entire career around doing an exact imitation of all of Jack Benny's mannerisms, so I don't know why nobody ever caught on that Benny may have been That Way given that he acted exactly like Charles Nelson Reilly. I don't think Mr. Reilly is a transvestite, although he was seen wearing a green rubber bondage hood on "Lidsville". Anyway, Ted, I went out and fetched that newspaper article you wanted me to read aloud: -> Jack Benny's letters heavy with enemas and sex Please let me never hear the phrase "heavy with enemas" again. -> By Sam Allis, The Boston Globe Staff -> -> Jack Benny wrote raunchy letters. Who knew? -> -> The man whose deadpan remains the nonpareil of stand-up comedy loved -> to write gamy missives marbled with locker-room humor and four-letter -> no-nos. His fifth-grade bathroom humor comes as a shock to those -> accustomed to his droll, civilized presence on radio and television. In the world of TV, having a black butler who acts like Stepin Fetchit and is only ever referred to by his character name makes you MORE civilized. ("Rochester" was really Eddie Anderson. He had a better role in one of Jack Benny's best movies, "The Meanest Man In The World", which I highly recommend. That and that one H.G. Wells wrote where Jack Benny gets godlike powers over time and space and destroys the world.) -> To testify that the letters are awfully funny is as meaningless as it -> is to say that a woman is beautiful sight unseen. Yeah! You should always assume that women are ugly! Or, in the case at hand, you should always assume they might have Adam's apples. -> But this is a family newspaper and not the appropriate place to plumb -> Benny's riffs on enemas and sex. Psychiatrically speaking, There's a card in the Children's Apperception Test where this androgynous deer is giving another androgynous deer a bath and in the background there's a picture of an enema riff and if you know what it is you go to jail for being a pervert at such an early age. Also there's another card that shows a gorilla wearing a house dress and if you say "Hey! Jack Benny is wearing a gorilla suit!" you get a SPECIAL lollipop that pregnant women aren't allowed to handle. -> Suffice it to say that to read his letters is to shatter the sepulchral -> silence of the rare books and manuscripts room of the Boston Public Library. I wouldn't call it silent. It's filled with shouts of "HEY! WHERE ARE THE SECRET FINANCIAL REPORTS? I'M DON SAKLAD!" and "LA LA LA I'M DON SAKLAD!" and "HE'S DON SAKLAD! GET HIM!" -> Not to worry. Roberta Zonghi, keeper of the collections, and her staff -> are used to people wiping the tears from their faces as they read -> Benny's account of his visit to the Mayo Clinic ...he was hoping they'd spoon some Miracle Whip into his panties. -> or his thoughts on an African chief who spent four years blowing a coin -> through a clay pipe. (LOUD SOUND OF CLOCK TICKING AS KIBO CONSIDERS SEVERAL POSSIBLE RESPONSES BUT THEM SHOVES THEM ALL INTO THE OBVIOUS BAG. SEVEN YEARS LATER, THEY WILL SQUEEZE OUT THROUGH A SMALL HOLE IN ITS BOTTOM.) -> Benny's letters arrived at the BPL last year, when Zonghi purchased -> more than 100 of them written to Frank Remley, his old friend and -> admirer, for $39,000. The acquisition was designed to augment its -> Fred Allen collection as well as leaven the BPL's august treasure -> trove. Benny and Allen knew each other as fellow radio luminaries. -> Allen, one of radio's most brilliant humorists, was born in -> Cambridge, the son of a onetime bookbinder at the BPL, and grandson of that other radio star, George Burns, who was the great-great grandson of Bob Hope. -> and was a runner at the institution while a youngster. Jack Benny used to be a runner there too, at least whenever they had a special event that involved drag racing. -> Benny penned scads of letters longhand from his home in Beverly Hills -> and hotels from London to Sydney. The hotel stationery includes -> marvelous telephone exchanges like Balzac 3530 HEH HEH HE, THE PHONE COMPANY SAID "BALZAC"! -> for the Georges V in Paris and ELdorado 5 2800 for the Sherry Netherlands -> in New York. I see, so what the reporter finds most interesting about Jack Benny's enema letters is that he had the class to stay at hotels that had words in their phone numbers back when all other phone numbers also... uh... had words in their numbers back then? BACK THEN, ALL FAKE TV PHONE NUMBERS STARTED WITH "KLondike 5", NOT "555"! THAT'S WHY THEY HAD TO PUT "K" AND "L" ON THE "5" BUTTON ON MODERN PHONES, TO MAKE THE FAKE TV NUMBERS KEEP WORKING RIGHT! -> He usually pegged his thoughts to the ''Ripley's Believe It Or Not'' -> staple that ran daily in hundreds of newspapers. Soon I'm going to start a magazine that has a whole lot of extra staples in it, instead of the usual three, just so I can sell millions of copies to transvestite radio personalities in the 1950s. And the best part is that I won't have to write any content for the magazine because all the corners will be stapled shut so nobody can check. -> He would tear off the Ripley's item and include it with his musings -> on the subject of the day. WHAT A LAME-O, GETTING ALL HIS COMEDY MATERIAL FROM STUFF HE GRABS OFF THE WIRE SERVICE FOR FREE EVERY DAY! Hey, wait a minute... -> One could do worse than to spend an hour reading Benny's missives. -> They make us like him all the more. We'd love to go to a ball game -> with the guy because we now know that he could be scatologically -> funny, too. Let me guess, he kept holding up a blue index card and yelling "WEE-WEE!"? -> Besides, his stuff is free and a far better deal than another -> inane $8 Hollywood offering. Was it "Titanic" or "The Blair Witch Project" that cost $8? I'm inclined to say "Titanic" because it had all those special effects at half the normal frame rate with weird blue outlines around Leonardo diCaprio's hair which had been cut out with safety scissors before being pasted in front of the bright purple, black, and/or light blue sky in successive scenes. -> My own favorite involves Emperor Vitellius, who, according to -> Ripley's, ate 1,200 oysters in one meal. My lips are sealed. Well, then, you'll never break his record. -> Again, this is a family newspaper. That's why Jack Benny never wore his dress on TV, because people in the 1950s didn't find that funny, they found it horribly offensive. No, wait, Milton Berle became massive overrated just for walking around in a dress not doing anything. Well, at least the world outgrew that by the 1970s. No, wait, Flip Wilson did the same thing. Okay, but at least the guys in actually-funny cutting-edge comedy shows like "Monty Python's Flying Circus" and "The Kids In The Hall" and "Benny Hill" never wore dresses. -- K. P.S. BY THE WAY DID YOU KNOW THAT JACK BENNY WAS A TRANSVESTITE? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,soc.history,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Revisit Ithaca Cornell; AP's SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY movie Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1999 03:59:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu, soc.history, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Princeton Univ) > > On my trip so far, one place sticks out as my favorite > and Cornell has become that. Yesterday I posted to Internet > from Cornell but also was able to use a iMac to get to > Fetch ftp program and BBEdit in combination. > I am at Princeton at the moment posting and am able to also > get an iMac plus Fetch plus BBEdit. So, what color is your iMac, and what flavor ice cream did you drip on it? Pink and pink, right? > But earlier in the day upon arrival at Princeton and going > to the library, I was not allowed entrance unless I bought a > 20 dollar pass. It looked gloomy as far as posting out, You made the right decision in choosing between saving your twenty dollars and telling the rest of the Universe about your most incredibly important scientific theory ever. > and then I found Fine Hall. And also, I was looking for a grocery > store for some oranges and walked to the main shops and asked > around and found that there does not exist any grocery store > near the campus of Princeton. Damn! They mistakenly set The Eradicator on "grocery stores" and not "mad scientists"! > I am finding out that many Universities, not just Princeton, do not > have a grocery store near the campus, for the reason I suspect to > guoge the students into paying on-campus prices for food. And force them to pay through the nose for guoda hceese. > This shopping area had perhaps 50,000 pizza shops but not a > single grocery store They didn't have a SINGLE pizza shop either, you just said they had fifty thousand, you bozo! > where I can buy an orange for 30 cents instead of > paying 75 cents for an orange on campus. This is a problem > not confined to Princeton, but Cornell also has a problem > of having to walk over a mile for a grocery store like > Albertsons. Arch... they have this new invention... it's called a car... and/or bicycle... and/or shuttle bus... and or fraternity brother with a wicked cool van... > Utah State does not have that problem. And all > Universities should have a full sized grocery store nearby > the campus because college students, since not employed > would be most interested in getting food value for their > money. And it is unfair to force students to pay $2 > for an ice cream that costs 75 cents in a full sized > grocery store and have to walk more than a mile to get > that value. Yet these campuses have 50,000 pizza joints > on every street. Yeah, and they never have any pizza because IT'S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM TO BUY ANY TOMATO SAUCE BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY SUPERMARKETS WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE! > After collating my website and posting from Cornell I > departed for NYC again with Atlantic City and Princeton in > mind. I have decided that since I have used up only 1/2 of > my Ameripass that I am going to make another circuit of the > USA and see places I have never seen before. must... resist... impulse... to... say... "shower"... > My science tour of the USA is over with for the most part, > and this second circuit is for curiousity and enjoyment. Say hi to the security guards at CWRU for me. Tell them you're just wandering around their campus for your personal enjoyment. This time they won't consider you dangerous if you just show them you aren't wearing anything under your trenchcoat. > Arriving in NYC it was raining for the first time of > my tour starting 23rd Sept. I have been travelling with > great weather. And I boarded the bus from NYC to Atlantic > City AC and arrived there early morning and walked the > wood boardwalk on 18Oct. Arch, you know you can't REALLY buy Mediterranean Avenue for two dollars, right? > I was curious to compare to Las Vegas LV. In my opinion AC > is another Reno and both are about 50 years behind LV. LV has made their > attraction that of "fantasy" with gambling and shows as > side attractions. And in the day when states have state > lotteries such as Megabucks, STATES SHOULD ONLY HAVE FEDERAL LOTTERIES, AND VICE VERSA! > it seems as though slot machine gambling and table gambling > are cruder and dinosaurish gambling. That's why the brontosaurus went extinct! It wasn't any good at playing the slots! > The ease of getting a Megabucks ticket from a corner gas station ...and then complaining about how you had to walk a whole mile to the gas station. > and the possibility of winning 10 to 50 million beats > travelling to gambling cities to gamble. Thus, LV and AC > and Reno need more to attract, and that is what LV offers-- > entertainment and fantasy. A trip to LV now is similar > to going to DisneyWorld in Orlando Florida. Except instead of meeting midgets running around with giant mouse heads there's only one mental midget running around with a giant head. And he's eating ice cream while running away from the security guards trying to keep him from using their iMacs for free. > So, I was not impressed by AC and found the only > fantasy was the Taj Mahil fantasy of some Middle East > domes, but no replica of the Taj Mahil itself. "Taj Mahil"? Did you realize this while buying your Megabucks ticket at your local Mobal gas station? > So I guess it is up to LV to build a casino on the strip > to replicate the real Taj Mahil. And the fantasy of a film > front wrecked with a wrecking ball. Why not just cut out the middleman and wreck the real Taj Mahal? > And it is interesting how LV is handicapped with having > no ocean beach front yet LV is in my opinion 50 years > ahead of AC. I suppose LV can build a fake replica of > an ocean front and in their replica they will not be > hindered by the constant movement of the beach sands that > AC is plagued and annoyed with the movement of the beach > sands and the constant need to replace the sands. That is > an interesting subject to study is the movement of beach > sands. Yes, why don't you study it from below? > And I was intrigued this morning with the boardwalk of > AC in that I have plenty of wood on my property in Canada Arch, stop reading Penthouse when you're supposed to be doing yardwork! > and perhaps if I bought a bench saw could build myself > a wood driveway. Try building one all the way to the supermarket so it will be easier on your feet when you walk there for groceries because you keep forgetting about that car you supposedly have. > But the trouble with that is the time taken, taken from > the King of Science. For I have far better things to do. THE KING OF SCIENCE'S TIME IS TAKEN UP 24 HOURS A DAY WITH TELLING EVERYONE HE IS THE KING OF SCIENCE! ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE GUY WHO IS TOO IMPORTANT TO EVER DO ANYTHING! Geez, even Mickey Mouse does more stuff than you. I'm not sure if he gets as much wood on his property, though. > Enough of Atlantic City and by noon was on the train, > a New Jersey train to Princeton. I have found out that New > Jersey seems to have isolated itself in transportation in > that any transport inside of New Jersey has to be with a NJ line. Yeah, whereas in California you can go from Los Angeles to San Francisco without ever leaving Maine. > Greyhound has no inside New Jersey links. I do not know > if I like that set-up or not. That to get to Princeton, it > seems as though I was dropped off at the NJ border and have to > connect with "only NJ transport". I do not know if this is > good or bad for consider if every state public transport were > set-up in the fashion that NJ is set-up, then everytime > a traveller reaches a new state, he/she would be dumped off > at the border and have to connect solely with the new state's > transportation system. But I sort of like travelling by train > for at least some of the USA tour. And I caught the train from > Philadelphia to Trenton and then to Princeton Junction and > finally to Princeton. A total of $8.75 to get from Philly to > Princeton Univ. And twice now on this tour I have had to catch > a taxi. I had to catch a taxi from Niagra Falls back to Buffalo. > My comment on taxis is that the Greyhound bus can take you > across 3 or 4 states for the price of a taxi ride of 30 miles. Taking a taxi long distance costs more than riding a bus? GENIUS!!! > I wanted to stop in Philly at that chocolate ice cream > place, but in the travelling mode, I seem to be constantly > on the go go go. Well, that's what happens if you eat lots of ice cream and then sit in a bus jiggling up and down for six hours. > And whilst on the train through New Jersey the eerie thought > came to me of what the founding fathers of the USA and > of the Revolutionary War, such as George Washington, > whether in their minds they ever envisioned a future US > of 200 years ahead whether people would be travelling by > train across the fields in which they fought the > Revolutionary War. Yeah, I remember reading about how General Washington called a time-out in the middle of the Battle of Trenton while he thought about what it would be like if mad scientists could travel around eating ice cream on horseless buses, and then they went back to having their unimportant little war about something other than ice cream. > I do not think many of us spend enough time envisioning > the future ...especially the part after Archie's death... > and what future people will be doing with the land that > we are so accustomed with now. I'll tell you one thing. Nobody's ever going to get wood on your land. > Not enough people take pause in thinking of the future ahead > and try to envision what those futurites will be doing. Futurite? Arch, you're more of a Vegemite. -- K. Now please stop flaunting your wood. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Obsession Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1999 05:01:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > > Today's Boston Globe has an item ...is it my imagination, or is the Boston Globe the only newspaper any Kibologists read? That and "Mondo 2000". HEY I BET IN TWO YEARS, "MONDO 2000" WILL SEEM LAME! > about a Nashua, NH man who shot and killed the object of his > obsession and then himself. In that order? > What makes this newsworthy enough for Page 1 (below the fold) > is that for seven years, Liam Youens told everybody about his > obsession with Amy Boyer. Including the internet. He didn't tell ME! I have kept obsessive diaries detailing the actions of every stalker on the Internet, and have been collecting night-vision photos of them sleeping in their beds, and I've been stealing their garbage and being really careful to put it back somewhere in their yard the next day. And I can't find any evidence that Liam Youens told me. Searching for "Youens" and "Boyer" in the alt.religion.kibology archives turned up this: ! Anyway, my own personal collection of books consists mostly ! of history of math type of books. I find more technical books ! to boring to read, much less own. Eves book is one of the best ! history books on math that I have seen. Boyer's book is another. ! ! -- Ludwig Plutonium in alt.religion.kibology, August 1994 And one post by a Mr. Boyer who accidentally coined the meme "...you donut rat!" : The people responsible for terminating Martin Leisses account and getting : him investigated by the police and SS (Secret Service) are rats who have : violated basic rules of human decency, one of which is, you donet rat on : someone to the secret police. : -- Daniel C. Boyer, July 1994 / "donet rat." I predict this phrase will become the next "beable" / of the net. / -- P. Fritz Cronheim, July 1994 < I resent this sort of unbiased slander. You have sullied my name in < public, and I demand an enemic retration! < < -- "berzerk@xmission.com" (Roger Bryner), July 1994 ) let's see, would an enemic retration be somrthing that you donet rat ) to a beable? ) -- P. Fritz Cronheim, July 1994 [back to Karlo Takki talking about the crazed stalker's Web sites...] > > Still up: > http://www.geocities.com/WallStreet/Floor/8625/ > > 404'd: > http://www.tripod.com/amyboyer I like how he loved his high school sweetheart^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hstalkee so much that not only did he name his Web sites after her, he named his E-mail address after her! From the first page: -> If your server causes the pictures to be out of alignment, -> or if you have any questions please e-mail me at amyboyer@prodigy.net Yeah. How the hell could my Web server make YOUR pictures be out of alignment? They're on YOUR server, you dweeb! That's right, I called you a dweeb. What're you gonna do, kill me? HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BE A GOOD STALKER IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO OPERATE A WEB SERVER? (I also like that his site has pictures of all of her friends, and a page titled "MINOR PEOPLE" which is marked "UNDER CONSTRUCTION". I wonder when the late Mr. Youens will finish his Minor People's Page.) > If you really want background, "Liam Youens" is a rather unique > search string. He's also signed the guestbooks at a site > dedicated to serial killers and mass murderers and also a > "Trolls 'n' Tunnels" site. Killer nrrrrrd! I just want to meet a killer dweeb who becomes obsessed with the movie "Mazes & Monsters" and starts pretending he's Tom Hanks and has to develop three extremely stupid friends who don't notice the signs and then he goes insane at the top of the World Trade Center and then wins back-to-back Oscars. For something else, of course. > On a Bumgarneresque note, the internet angle gives this story > a faux-millenial frisson that simple stalking and murder can't > achieve. He also posted (on his Web site) a short story written by an aquaintance in school, and it's all about how he's going to grow up to be a psycho: -> Gramme was not a member of youth group when I was there, -> but he was a friend of Bethannie's. I knew him from writing class, -> though I had never spoken to him. I'm sure he talked about me, -> but he never wrote about me until the February incident occured. -> When I had read the story ironically only he and his friend were -> there; his friend wrote some less creative things earlier; -> I pretended not to notice. -> Young Willem always wanted to belong. Unfortunately, he never -> really did, though. Willem was a rather quiet child, a trait -> born from his extremely low self-esteem. He was withdrawn, -> unwilling to approach others, instead he stood and watched the -> others, hoping one of them would approach him. His extreme lack -> of self-confidence paved the path for his loney, desperate -> childhood. -> -> Willem was always an outsider looking in, wishing to join in the -> fun other youngsters shared, yet not wanting to be seen, -> reproachful of large crowds for fear of being humiliatedd. -> -> He remembered one particularly regretful moment in his dull, -> uneventful childhood that he wishes he could do over again. It -> was the summer of his eleventh year, at a sword fighting -> tournament in which almost all the village boys participated. -> Now of course they did not use real swords, and Willem was -> thankful because he probably would have stumbled and speared -> himself with it, but wooden blades, flat like a paddle with a -> blunted tip. Willem was reclused from the crowd, standing alone -> away from the small crowd of gatherers that cheered on their -> champions to victory. Willem was alone, like a daisy sprouting -> up from a field of grass. No wait a minute, it was actually more -> like an acorn that had fallen off it's tree, helplessly cut off -> from the other. -> -> Willem had watched with excitement, his mind forgetting about -> the competition and drifting away like smoke into another one of -> his daydreams. These daydreams were one of they ways Willem kept -> his sanity in his loney life. Willem pictured himself as the -> Queen's Champion, awarrior who stood above the others, his -> followers. But the happy fantasy turned sour, as the Queen and -> all the followers had the faces of the villagers of his town. -> How can I be a Champion? I can't even muster the courage to talk -> to them? Willem was at rock-bottom now. He knew that wherever he -> went, there would be people just like the ones surrounding him -> now, that he would have to communicate with. He knew they would -> look at him and laugh at his lanky appearance the way he was -> sure everyone else did. -> -> Under Construction 2/3rds more to copy I'd love to know how the story turned out. Did Liam/Willem/Liwem/Mawim/Limon grow up to be The Queen's Champion or did he just go nuts and shoot himself? NOW WE'LL NEVER KNOW! Note that Liam's site keeps talking about "the February Incident" and "the current situation" but the page for "The Situation" is still "Under Construction". Pardon my "quotes". His Web site also has some poems, which must have been A Sad Cry For Help because they sure ain't poetry: -> untitled no 1 -> -> Where I am noone will see me -> People only can when they are far -> Curled up in myself is where I belong -> The pain leaves me empty waiting to die -> -> [continues about suicide, followed by two more poems about suicide] I think that either his school psychiatrist didn't see that, or else they just said, "Well, maybe he'll just grow up to be MTV's 'Daria'." His guestbook contained these as the final two entries: -> Nice page. Very informative. Keep it up. -> Liam Youens shot and killed Amy Boyer on Friday, 18 Oct. 99, -> outside her workplace before turning the gun on himself. WOW, I BET NOW THAT FIRST PERSON FEELS STUPID ABOUT THEIR COMMENT! -- K. Maybe someone should write a program to automatically scan the Web looking for sites that drop heavy hints of being written by future serial killers, and then send those people some gifts to keep them busy so they won't go nuts. Like, a "Doom" game. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I R USING INTERNET???/? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1999 00:26:20 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > From a spam I just received: > > > > Are you an Internet user? > > > BRING ON THE DANCING BEARS OF DUH!!! I hope you wrote back, "I resent your accusation that I am a user! I have never used illegal drugs in my life! These kids today!" ...because a certain local Internet service provider likes to refer to their users as "customers" and not "users" because apparently some people freak out when you call them a "user". Mainly older folks. Especially if they did lots of drugs in the '60s while in their 60s. Either that, or should should have mailed back a sackful of dancing bears who hadn't been fed in six weeks and were wearing REALLY tight dance belts. Now here's my "DUH?" of the day: Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup keeps telling me (via my television) that it is "the first interactive snack!" Duh? Duh duh? Doy? They go on to explain that you're supposed to use your hands to eat soup now, and they show that your kids will stop playing violent video games if you let them use their hands to shove noodles into their mouths! Just once I'd like to meet someone who simulatenously believes all the stupdities promulgated in TV commercials. "Yes, Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup is interactive, and is the only food you can eat with your hands. Now pardon me while I eat my potato chips by sticking this pickle fork into them. Whoops! I broke another one." -- K. It's still not as dumb as IHOP'S "AND TANGY BLUEBERRY TOPPING IN THE MIDDLE!" though. (Dumb phrase spotted by someone else way back when.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: home for the King of Science; AP's science tour of the USA Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1999 01:13:17 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.history.science, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Well, today I had the thought that I now possess three homes in > a triangle distanced by thousands of kilometers apart. So I > solved my problem of having a home, I have three of them now, > but with solving one problem another problem arises. And my > current problem is that I now must live in those 3 homes. > A single person with 3 homes. That is a insight into my > character, that when I have a problem, I often go overboard on it. Arch, that *is* your problem. > Or if I like something I go too idealistic and not pragmatic. > For example the 4 bicycles, and now the 3 homes. > I do not know whether when I come back from Europe that I can > stay put in one place for more than a year. Probably not. > > And I think that Uncle Al and Kibo were correct when they said > that I need no identification card. When did I say that? When did he say that? I can't speak for the beloved Uncle Al, but all I recall saying about your ID card was that I thought you weren't even smart enough to lose it, let alone carry it. > No drivers licence or passport or even a visa. That I am the King of Science, > and just say King of Science (not flashingly or arrogantly) Oh, yeah, say "I am the King of Science!" without being arrogant. Then act like Jerry Lewis without being silly and obnoxious. > when stopped by the police or other authorities. My picture is on my > website for colloboration. I... see. So if I put up a Web page that says "I AM PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD!" it takes effect once I put a photo on it? Cool! Now I can stop all this campaigning and just put my photo on the Web to gain the ultimate power of life and death over everyone! I had no idea you could do anything that interesting with the Web! > And the King of Science needs no fingerprints, I recommend rubbing your fingers with a cheese-grater for a week. > for it was said of Newton by one of the Bernoulli greats that the lion > can be discerned by his claw-mark or words to that effect. Yes, especially because Newton went around ripping people to shreds with his sharpened toenails. SIR ISAAC NEWTON WAS JACK THE RIPPER! > Yes, I should have heeded Uncle Al and Kibo's advice when I was > surrounded by 4 Case Western Reserve police persons wanting my > ID, and just have said, "police officers, I am the King of Science" > and all would have ended well at Case. Seriously, I don't recall ever giving you advice on what to do in Cleveland, except for some blanket advice (applicable anywhere) to eat less ice cream while you act like a bozo, or to stop acting like a bozo while eating ice cream. > Perhaps I should test Uncle Al and Kibo's advice in Europe and > at the border crossing just say I am the King of Science. Sure, then you can file another imaginary lawsuit against me, or have another imaginary fistfight against me, when my imaginary advice turns out to be bad. -- K. Maybe you should flatter the guard by telling him HE is the King of Science! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Technical Errors In "The Flintstones". Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1999 02:31:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I have watched two episodes of "The Flintstones" and would like to point out the following anachronisms: 1. When Barney's TV set broke, Fred suggested he check "the tubes". Everyone knows a TV set only has one big tube in it! 2. At the end of the episode, Fred put out two empty bottles for the milkman. Why didn't he just go to the supermarket? 3. And furthermore, milk doesn't come in bottles! It comes in cartons and plastic jugs! What a double super blooper! Dear Hanna-Barbera, please correct these anachronisms immediately or I will be forced to stop watching your reruns. Thank you. -- K. Also, the animation isn't the best.