Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 06:02:10 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In about twenty newsgroups (one at a time), "horfield" (horfield@netgates.co.uk) wrote: > > Subject: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT With a title like that you know know it will be IMPORTANT and will be an ANNOUNCEMENT in the same way that NBC's "AMAZING STORIES" were AMAZING and were STORIES. > Hi! > > This is Conrado, the independent controversial physicist, speaker and > writer, and with this message I would like to first express my gratitude > for all the attention and support that you have all offered me, and then > bring you some important news regarding my website. > > Even though I still entertain the hope that this may only be a temporary > technical failure, it seems that you are going to have to stop for now > any possible kind initiative to recommend my old website..... > > http://greenfield.fortunecity.com/hunters/206 Oh, darn, there go my weekend plans. I was going to travel all up and down the Eastern seaboard handing out leaflets telling people to look at your Web site, whatever it is. Or was. > ......., as my ``free`` server, fortunecity.com, perhaps under the > pressure of some-one quite furious by the internet popularity I am > beginning to attain, has apparently decided to remove my pages. Whereas, if you were really UNPOPULAR, they'd encourage you to use their services for free! (How much of the Internet is using antimatter logic these days?) > That`s right, if this is confirmed, then all the work which I have so > penuriously and humbly striven to do for months may be in vain, as all > the thousands of persons who at last had heard of my website will now > not be able to access it, and may even have their opinion of me > discredited as a result. HEY! THE OPINION I'VE NEVER HAD OF YOU HAS JUST BEEN DISCREDITED BEFORE I EVER FORMED IT! YOU MEAN PEOPLE, AT LEAST LET ME FORM MY OWN OPINION ABOUT MAD SCIENTISTS BEFORE YOU TELL ME THEY'RE CRAZY! OR AT LEAST PUT THE SENTENCE "CAUTION: SPOILERS!" ABOVE THE PARAGRAPH WHERE YOU TELL ME THEY'RE CRAZY! > As further evidence that every single one of my steps is being followed, ...would it be more efficient to just follow the even-numbered steps? I mean, it can be safely assumed that if they know where your right foot's been, then your left foot must have been somewhere nearby most of the time. > the removal of my pages has just happened in the moment that hurts me > (and my readers) the most, after I had posted at last my announcement in > dozens of newsgroups all over the world and people (specially University > students and scientists) were at last rushing in. > > I don`t even have tears to cry anymore. I don`t know what to do. Try rubbing salt into your eyes. > On one hand, I am proud, because this means that my scream through the > internet has been so Earth-shaking that it has scared the living hell > out of them. Dear Dyan Cannon, The Internet is not for primal scream therapy. Now, in K-Mart, if you were to run around screaming, I don't think anyone would notice. They might even put you in a commercial. > I am a clear and present threat to their sick plans, and I > congratulate myself for that. David Icke never has had his website < > http://www.davidicke.com > removed, after years of provoking and > talking. HEAVENS! PEOPLE WHO CAN TALK SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO *ALSO* USE THE WEB! PICK ONE OR THE OTHER, PEOPLE! > I have been muzzled in only six months. David Icke, in fact, > has only seen the censorship, defamation and opposition against him > really step up, when he has begun to go public with essentially the same > ``incredible`` assertions that I have been trying to phrase recently in > a more sound and scientific way. Try putting double backwards quote marks around all the ``nouns``, that'll make you sound like a ``real`` scientist. > I hadn`t even posted all my hot and exclusive Y2K stuff on my website yet. Maybe in a couple years? > I, and (in his own flaky peculiar way), David, have only been trying to > suggest that some dinosaurs may have survived the Deep meteoric Impact > 65 million years ago and could presently be, after having crawled their > way to tool-making and intelligence, the secret rulers and Sentinels of > mankind from their caves and bases underground, (tuba music played underwater by dancing bears wafts through this article) OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH, OOM-PAH-PAH... > and could in fact, and from the emerging horrified accounts of all the > witnesses, be currently playing out their visceral lust for power by > technologically or genetically impersonating the physical appearance > of humans and infiltrating positions of power in NASA, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH, DOO-DUH-DUH... > government, industry and aristocracy, pretty much in the style of > the film ``The Arrival``. So you're saying they're doing it in a boring way with one of the lesser Sheens in the lead and there will be a really giggle-worthy sequel made for one of those cable channels you have to pay extra for if you want to see it long enough to realize how bad it is. > Further, I had made in my various web-pages that have been removed a > quite convincing case for the possibility that bright illustrious > scientists like Carl Sagan (whose last name spells as the name of the > Eastern Reptilian gods the Nagas), AND NAGAS SMOKED TOP!!! Hey, did you know that if you change one letter in "SAGAN" you get "SATAN"? And if you move one letter in "SATAN" you get "SANTA"? Unless you change it to an "I" in which case you get "SATIN"? THIS PROVES THAT SANTA, SATAN, CARL SAGAN, AND A FEMALE PRO WRESTLER ARE ALL THE SAME WOMAN! > knew about all this all along, and could in fact have been part and > parcel of the Dragons of Eden`s 4-million-year-conspiracy to keep > mankind in the dark. Uh, yeah. Four million years ago, Leonardo daVinci would have invented a WORKING helicopter if it hadn't been for all those pesky dinosaurs running around his science lab all the time. > Arthur C. Clarke certainly does not deny this possibility He also doesn't deny the possibility that you are made of rancid cottage cheese molded into roughly the shape of a person with three garbanzo beans where your eyes and brain should be. > in his short letters to me, and perhaps this is one of the ideas > that he and other inspired provocative science-fiction writers have > tried to insinuate for ages. Um, didja ever notice that the word "science-fiction" contains a part that says "fiction"? > Is this the real reason, then, why the Space Odyssey has not taken > off in real life yet, because flying to the solar system would free us > from the stealthy oppressive yoke of dinosaurs who enjoy too much being > our secret masters? In addition to David`s, I have my own witnesses that > attest to the gory and Reptilian, and not extraterrestrial or even > military, nature of the most high-level negative ``UFO`` abductors and > Illuminati mind-controllers, and some of these witnesses are ready to > testify in court if immunity could be insured. Oh, like vaccination would work on Illuminati. > Further, my website contained in most of its pages, and right next to > the plush and mandatory black ADL banner < http://www.adl.org >, a very > commendatory link to the Christian-Patriotic newspaper ``The Spotlight`` > < http://www.spotlight.org >, where I rejected the newspaper`s apparent > occasional sympathy towards white-supremacists and Holocaust-deniers, > but where I also praised this paper`s courage in airing the Global > plutocrats` most recent stealthy maneuvers and other > politically-incorrect news which the owned and controlled mainstream > media is so prompt to hush up.. .., even though other investigative > gutsy mainstream newspapers outside the United States, and specially in > England, are recently refusing to continue toeing the line, in the light > of the European Union and other International creations of the > plutocrats`s sinking failure to meet their promises of prosperity, and > are beginning to expose the machinations of these cabals too, specially > in the wake of the very popularly-watched-and-protested-against last > Global plutocrats` ``secret`` Bilderberg meeting in Scotland. I'm lost. Which of the dinosaurs did you say were the anti-Semitic ones, and which of the dinosaurs are the Jewish ones? > Every-one who has read David`s web-pages and books, or my own web-pages > (I haven`t had the time to start my own publisher yet!), Will you grow him from a single cell? > knows that David and I don`t seek to instigate violence or racial hatred, ...EXCEPT TOWARDS DINOSAURS! > and that, in fact, we love just as passionately all human races, and even > Reptilian or extraterrestrial races (in each of which there are, as with > the human races, both benevolent and malevolently-tempted members!), and > we only hope that the members of all these races could love themselves > as much as we are trying to love them, for then all this brutality in > silken gloves, and all this blood-thirst in friendly human red-uniform, > would end immediately. Oh, yeah, all those dinosaurs in red shirts get vaporized but the bad guys never even singe Kirk's hair. IT'S A GOOD THING THERE WERE NEVER ANY EPISODES OF "STAR TREK" WITH LIZARD PEOPLE IN THEM! Except for Majel Barrett. > In my own case, and as a scientist, I am not equating being Reptilian to > being evil; I am merely pointing out the possibility of R-complex > Reptilian genetic content as a possible indicator of one`s tendency to > fall for the kinds of behavior that have typically been considered > negative, such as aggression, territoriality, and lust for violence and > power; and as a result I am only attempting to generalize to > 4-dimensional space the kind of paradigm for the understanding of human > violence that.. .. Carl Sagan.. .. , "Sir, we're receiving a distress signal!" "Let's hear it." "DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT (pause) CARL SAGAN DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT" "It's the Butthead Astronomer Alert!" > betraying the extent of what he really knew, once tried to project on > 3-dimensional space in order for his word to fit through the muzzle of > accepted academic ``science``. I hate those words that won't fit in a 3-dimensional Universe. (They've got lots of those in Finnish.) > Further, I was trying to argue superficially in my web-pages, and then > hopefully in more depth later with my books, that Einstein`s General > Theory of Relativity, while doubtlessly having its meritorious range of > application, has clearly been used throughout our century,.. .. via > Einstein`s secret liaisons with the ruling aristocratic bloodlines of > the Russells and the Baruchs (Rothschilds).. .. , with the primary > purpose of obscuring our understanding of the Cosmos and blocking our > science`s breakthrough to this 4-dimensional, > generalized-quantum-mechanical paradigm, from which The Biggest Secrets > of our time, which include not just this Reptilian take-over attempt but > also free energy, survival after death and even manipulation of the > human perception of time (soon to be implemented globally at the > Millennial juncture), would be naturally and rationally illuminated,.. YAY! GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CRACKPOT THEORIES! > .. without one`s having to resort anymore to any of the perhaps very > valid but, to me, quite scientifically frustrating, Satanic > conspiracy-theories that have been put forward by the other censored and > slurred Christian-Patriot loudmouths who have recently begun to find out > what`s going on. > > American Christian-Patriots, indeed, seem to understand this whole idea > of the stealthy Reptilian take-over of the human-race quite naturally, > as it appears to connect with their end-times theology of mankind`s > being now at last about to expose the existence of, and then wage the > Final Battle against, the ``demonic`` forces that have sought to enslave > humanity ever since ``The Fall`` by ``Satanically`` taking possession of > the bodies of the most powerful and greedy politicians and financiers. But if the dinosaurs are so cool and so evil, doesn't this mean that they're the most powerful and greedy people around? That means that the dinosaurs are possessing themselves! Ha! I have destroyed your whole theory using a variant of Socratic questioning in which I ask only ``stupid`` questions! > Well, if all this is just insane wild speculation, then you would expect > that the real cabal of Bilderberg plutocrats who factually seek to steer > the course of the global market for their own Titanic vested interests, > and the shadowy international industrial-military spooks who apparently > control what the public is allowed to know about ``UFOs``, would be > delighted by David and I`s suddenly wanting to lose our own credibility > so quickly and make fools of ourselves, and that therefore all the heat > from Inquisitorial Global-Elite-arms like the ADL to pursue this > witchcraft against us would immediately end. Quite the opposite, it has > only been NOW when the persecution against us has really heated up, and > just as I was recovering from the shock of realizing that all the > web-pages I had worked for so long to document and announce had suddenly > been removed, I quickly checked David`s site < > http://www.davidicke.com/icke/articles/100899icke.html > and realized > that he, too, had just been a victim of a major Inquisitorial attack, > unprecedented in his long years of talking and provoking all over the > world, when he apparently was stopped at the Canadian border by ADL`s > henchmen seeking to impede his arranged venue, Canada uses evil superintelligent NASA dinosaurs as border guards? Last time I was there they just had an orange cone sitting on the grass next to the road that went past where the border guards would have been. I mean, being troubled by Canadian border guards is like being beaten up by a fried egg. I thought they let just anyone wander into Canada. Heck, even Archie Plutonium drove his purple pickup there for a few days before he got tired of his new house after spending a whole weekend in it. > seemingly with more hatred in their hearts than Hitler You don't hate with your heart! You love with your heart! You hate with your gall bladder! > inflaming the masses against the Jews. The immigration police inspected > David`s books and belongings at customs, made him stay up for hours at > night, subjecting him to invasive questions and hassles whose rightfulness > the Civil Liberties Union has been apparently called in to investigate, > and found in the end, to their amazement, not a single printed word that > could add to evidence of David`s being an ``anti-Semite`` as their computer > screen warned. Where can I get one of those new bigot-detection computers? You know, the ones advertised in those commercials written by Ben Stiller? "MAW, PAW DONE SHOT UP THUH AY-OH-HELL AGAYUN!" > The officers were surprised apparently, and the Canadian government is > seemingly angry, Be careful! They're going to take you to Montreal and lock you in the Biodome! With Pauly Shore! > but they had to let David go and give his talk, though it appears that > the ADL and related ``anti-hate`` organizations will continue to try > blocking further Icke venues in other ways. > > So I am proud to know that I and Icke have struck something that hurts > up there, but then, on the other hand, I am just paralyzed by a mixture > of frustration and impotence beyond belief with this sudden removal of > my webpages. The internet was really freedom of speech`s last hope. This is the worst "Babylon 5" opening narration ever. > I enclose a copy of the message I have just sent to fortunecity.com. > Let`s hope..... let`s just hope..... At least I keep this time a back-up > copy of all my web-pages! You can demand your right to free speech by > writing to fortunecity.com··.. > > support@fortunecity.com > > ·.and reclaiming access to my site. Who knows, one day this could happen > to you. Yeah! I demand my right to be anti-Semitic in two countries at once! > I again thank wholeheartedly and appreciate all your kind support, and > will strive to keep you posted as soon as developments may happen. I > also enclose my preferred e-mail address, as well as a few back-up > addresses (yes, hotmail.com has also terminated without notice some of > my addresses in the past because apparently I hadn`t used them in a > politically-correct way), Heck, you can't even master the correct use of the apostrophe key. > if you would like to contact me until my website is, in some place > or another, restored (Hopefully your Web site will be restored someplace other than the Internet.) > (David Icke`s web-site < http://www.davidicke.com > should be linking > to my site as soon as it`s operational again).. .. I also enclose a > couple of surface addresses where you should be able to reach me soon, I'm sorry, I have trouble reaching the surface these days. The dinosaurs who run NASA have me locked in one of their underground subterranean caverns under the ground beneath the surface. > if, that is, the first episode of the ``V`` TV-series does not become true > in real life soon ...in which case, Earth's only hope will be a bad actor with an enormous crease running down the middle of his eighties hair, and then Ted Turner will show "The Beastmaster" five times a day for the next ten years until pro wrestling is invented. > and ``inconvenient`` scientists like me suddenly become the first to > mysteriously ``disappear`` all over the world. > > Keep up the good work, pass the word, thanks for everything, and watch > your shadows! > > Conrado Salas Cano, B.S. in Physics with honors from Cal Tech, class of > 98. B.S. on the Internet, too. > Preferred e-mail address: < the-star-child@mailexcite.com > > Back-up e-mail addresses: < v_star_child@hotmail.com >< > the_space_odyssey_2001@hotmail.com >< chris_boardman@hotmail.com > > Faxes (not very reliable!): (America) 1-503-6568894, (Europe) > 34-976-374312 > U.K. Address: 51 Carlyle Rd, Greenbank, Bristol, BS5 6HQ, Phone > 44-(0)1179-393824 > U.S.: c/o Linda Johnson, 916 Linn Ave, Oregon City, OR 97045, Phone > 1-503-6568894 Why aren't faxes reliable? Do big scary dinosaurs eat the big roll of paper like little cats do with little rolls of toilet paper? > ----------------------------------------------------------- > UNTIL MY WEBSITE IS DEFINITIVELY RESTORED, I WILL STRIVE TO POST THE > MOST IMPORTANT UPDATES ON MY NEW PROVISIONAL ``EMERGENCY`` PAGE AT: < > http://www.dreamwater.com/conrado2/update.html > , so can stay tuned > there, and let`s hope that they don`t remove this one! You can help me > by linking to this ``emergency`` page. As the very Carl Sagan warned, in > one of his many inspired good moments, ``THE SUPPRESSION OF > UNCOMFORTABLE IDEAS MAY BE COMMON IN RELIGION AND POLITICS, BUT IT IS > NOT THE PATH TO KNOWLEDGE, AND IT HAS NO PLACE IN THE ENDEAVOR OF > SCIENCE`` (Cosmos, 1980) > ---------------------------------------------------------- Cosmo Kramer said that? Did he at least fall down or do something funny afterwards? > ---------------COPY OF MY MESSAGE TO FORTUNECITY.COM---------------- > > Please, sir. > > I hope this is only a temporary technical failure, but I can neither > find my web-page: > > http://greenfield.fortunecity.com/hunters/206 > > nor of course make any updates on it. > > My log-in name is: > starchildren > > Please, get back to me as soon as you may be able to fix the problem and > restore proper service. > > This website is most important to me, and to the millions of children > who go missing in the world every year and who otherwise would not have > a voice, let alone compassion and dignity, and with all the people who > are eagerly awaiting my updates I cannot afford to have my page > unavailable for long. > > Please fix this problem as soon as you can, and inform me about whether > there could be in the near future similar temporary disruptions so I > could properly warn my thousands of webpage visitors. > > Thank you. > > Love, > > Conrado. Dear Conelrado, Maybe you should have thought of putting up some anti-intrusion measures that would keep dinosaurs from looking at your Web page. Maybe like one of those forms where you have to click a little button that says "YES, I AM A HUMAN!" and then ask them a question that every human would know the answer to, like, "Who killed O.J.'s wife?" > P.S.: I hope, I HOPE, I hope, that this may not respond to any > ``higher`` order to remove my ``inconvenient`` site. My inconvenient > site, as you have been able to see for months, and as I could prove to > you again with the back-up copy of my various pages, does not seek to > disseminate racial hatred or slander, but even if it did, I kindly > remind you that this country still enjoys Constitutionally-protected > freedom of speech. Of course I hope that this remark will be out of > place and that the problem may only be a temporary technical failure. A remark be out of place? On the Internet? That'll be the day. -- K. Please post the addresses of more Web pages that don't exist. Here's one to start: hptt\\:``com.com-diapers.phlegm\pez.com2000 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 00:53:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "AFFA MU", who doesn't even have E-mail, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That "Conrado" guy who thinks evil dinosaurs are controlling mankind said: > > > > > > and as a result I am only attempting to generalize to 4-dimensional > > > space the kind of paradigm for the understanding of human violence > > > that.. .. Carl Sagan.. .. , > > > > "Sir, we're receiving a distress signal!" > > > > "Let's hear it." > > > > "DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT (pause) CARL SAGAN DOT DOT (pause) DOT DOT" > > This has been a test of the Emergency Butthead Astronomer System. Had > there been a real butthead astronomer sighting you would not be > hearing this recording. Instead you would recieve instructions on how > to open your radio or television to reveal the dry, leafy Butthead > Astronomer Bait and a lifetime supply of Knight Rider 2000 reruns. Now > back to our regularly interrupted programming. Hey! I just opened my television set and all that was inside was Beavis Astronomer Bait and fifty thousand volts of PAIN! It hurt worse than the pain in Billy Bob Thornton's jaw after an entire day of putting 50,000 pounds of muscle tension on it to keep it from laughing at how stupid "Armageddon" was! -- K. DIS EES HOW WE FEEX THEENGS IN ROOSHA! I WEEL CROSH YOU... LIKE BUG! (Sorry, I apologize for dragging Joe Haldeman into here again. That's what he gets for crashing our party in 1997.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 06:29:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Hey! I just opened my television set and all that was inside was > > Beavis Astronomer Bait and fifty thousand volts of PAIN! > > Somewhere, Robin Williams is witnessing. Oh wow like witnessing like that movie with Harrison Ford let's raise the barn so we can stop using electricity now oh wow aren't these pants shiny hey David your E-mail address sounds like that robot from that show, "DBDBDBDBDBD They useta call this one the bump" oh the pain, the pain of it all, Beavis and Butthead are on my TV, the only show I hate more than Mork & Mindy and I have SEEN the LIGHT as I WITNESS, FAH-RAYENDS, as YE do so shall I WITNESS the GLORIOUS WITNESSING of the ASCENT of FIFTY THOUSAND VOLTS OF PAIN from my TV into my MIND! No, wait, that was the cocaine going up my nose, not TV. -- Robin Williams's improv routine, performed from October 14 through November 29 (after that, he'll change a word here and there) > > It hurt worse than the pain in Billy Bob Thornton's jaw after an entire > > day of putting 50,000 pounds of muscle tension on it to keep it from > > laughing at how stupid "Armageddon" was! > > But it was a -dry- hurt! Unlike the one in "Alien" who had all that ketchup all around the hole in the mannequin's body attached to his neck after the alien popped out. I forget, was he John Hurt, William Hurt, or Phil Hurtman? > > -- K. > > DIS EES HOW WE FEEX THEENGS IN ROOSHA! > > I WEEL CROSH YOU... LIKE BUG! > > (Sorry, I apologize for dragging Joe Haldeman into here again. > > That's what he gets for crashing our party in 1997.) > > Dave "Tell me Joe Haldeman doesn't wear high heels. _Please_." DeLaney Okay, let me draw you the diagram so that I can show you that high heels are at the opposite end from Joe Haldeman: * Joe Haldeman, famous science fiction writer, did some script doctoring on the Band Brothers' masterpiece of filmic wackiness, "Robot Jox" (originally titled "RoboJox" but the "RoboCop" people threatened to sue.) The movie featured an evil "Russian" whose big line, delivered in a bad accent funnier than Walter Koenig crossed with Paul Frees, "I WEEL KROSH YIEW, LAIEK BUGH!" * During the September 1997 Alt.Religion.Kibology Party-Like Event, held at my lame job the day before they went out of business, we got kicked out of the going-under-store for being TOO LOUD! While we were milling about on the sidewalk, Joe Haldeman walked RIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF OUR PARTY without even stopping to say "Hi!" * Joe Haldeman is not the guy on the Internet who sells videos of himself wearing lace panties while using his high-heeled shoes to crush white mice that were taped to the floor, nor is he the guy who tries to trick women into videotaping extreme close-ups of their feet pressing flat shoes against gas pedals, nor is he the guy who can only be sexually aroused by the smell of burning penny-loafers. However, I think all three of those guys have rented "Robot Jox". -- K. "WAAH! THERE AREN'T ANY ROBOT JOCKSTRAPS IN IT! MY FETISH IS *RUINED*!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 00:45:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, yeah, all those dinosaurs in red shirts get vaporized but the bad > > guys never even singe Kirk's hair. > > > > IT'S A GOOD THING THERE WERE NEVER ANY EPISODES OF "STAR TREK" WITH > > LIZARD PEOPLE IN THEM! Except for Majel Barrett. > > Please, dahling, sour grapes are out of season! > > - Your pal, > Jane Badler as the Joan Collins-Like Temptress > Whom The Writers Would Occasionally Remember Was > Really A Nazi Lizard From Outer Space > > Now wait right there while I kick Mark Singer into the swimming pool! Your theory about how the writers of "V: The Series" would constantly forget the premise (that Jane Badler was really a lizard who wanted to eat people and would die if she breathed our air, which she did a lot because they kept forgetting, and whose eyes magically changed appearance whenever she put on her "Mission: Impossible '88" style stick-on rubber mask) is very, um, I forgot what I was going to say. What were we talking about? Oh, yeah, "Mission: Impossible '88". Who was that woman who couldn't act on that one? You know, the woman who couldn't act and wasn't Barbara Bain? And why am I ever trying to watch this week's special "all-comedy" episode of "Star Trek: Voyager" which isn't even as funny as the average "Doctor Who" rerun despite that this episode consists of The Doctor fighting sissified Sontarans? (I just know that that one-eyed chick from "Futurama" is going to toss a Bowie knife into someone's probic vent from twenty feet away...) But back to the topic at hand. What was with Marc Singer's hair? Was it just a way to remind the writers that he wasn't a lizard because he had big poofy hair shaped like a Sunbeam butter-flavored split-top loaf? Why don't lizards ever have bread-shaped hair? I forget. I guess that's why I'll never be a TV writer. I'm too smart to remember anything about lizard hair! -- K. And why exactly do they have to hand scalpels to the holographic doctor? And why can't he make a toupee? Nobody else on "Star Trek" was ever bald. Except that captain. What was his name again? Now I remember, CAPTAIN KIRK IS BALD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 05:28:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dear Dyan Cannon, > > > > The Internet is not for primal scream therapy. > > > The Internet is for primal "duh" therapy. It's time for me to repeat that story I like to tell every five years. In high school (circa 1984) they had a super-hefty terminal (a 132-column Decwriter with green-bar paper) in the "guidance" office. There was an account at the State University of New York at Albany that you could dial into to play games (we're talking "Hangman" etc.) for free, and I knew about this, so I would wander down there towards the end of lunch hour and kill time playing the lame-o early-eighties computer games. My favorite was a variant of the ubiquitous "Star Trek" games (you remember, the ones where the galaxy was an 8x8 grid of smaller 8x8 grids and you had to navigate by typing in r and theta where a circle had exactly 8 degrees) which was written in Fortran and had a few bugs that made the game fun. For instance, it didn't do bounds checking, so that if you tried to go past the edge of the galaxy you wound up in this region filled with solid "-1"s. But the real reason I liked it was that someone, in a fit of unbridled creativity, had changed the Klingons ("<*>") to Cylons ("<*>") and so on... yes, it was a "Star Trek" game named "Battlestar Galactica"! So, anyway, I killed time at the end of lunch playing "Battlestar Galactica" on the teletype for a few weeks, until one of the secretaries from office marched over and switched it off in mid-skritch, saying shrilly, "THE GUIDANCE COMPUTER IS NOT FOR COMPUTERY STUFF!" So this is why I would like to add: The Internet is not for computery stuff! But primal "duh" therapy, yeah, we got dat. We got duh! -- K. "...robots with nuclear bombs shaped like the word "DUH" where their mouths should be, so that when they talk it makes enormous 'DUH'-shaped shockwaves that go 'BANG!DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!'" -- Kibo, March 1999 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:00:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In high school (circa 1984) they had [...] > > lame-o early-eighties computer games. > > > > My favorite was a variant of the ubiquitous "Star Trek" games (you > > remember, the ones where the galaxy was an 8x8 grid of smaller 8x8 > > grids and you had to navigate by typing in r and theta where a circle > > had exactly 8 degrees) which was written in Fortran and [...] > > someone, in a fit of unbridled creativity, > > had changed the Klingons ("<*>") to Cylons ("<*>") and so on... > > yes, it was a "Star Trek" game named "Battlestar Galactica"! > > I have both of those games! > > $ trek > > 10 Klingons > 2 starbases at 6,6, 3,2 > It takes 400 units to kill a Klingon > > ... and ... > > $ battlestar > > You are the Great wizard chris. > > This is a luxurious stateroom. > The floor is carpeted with a soft animal fur and the great wooden furniture > is inlaid with strips of platinum and gold. Electronic equipment built > into the walls and ceiling is flashing wildly. No, I was talking about $ battlestar 10 Cylons 2 Battlestarbases at 6,6, 3,2 It takes 400 unitrons to kill a Cylon The game I was talking about was 'trek' with two or three words changed to make it a hundred times cooler. I wasn't talking about the *stupid* adventure game. Games with words in them are stupid. It's so stupid to have to *read stuff* when you'd rather just use your imagination!!! That's why radio is better than either books or TV. -- K. It's a good thing *real* computers don't come with any stupid games, just awesome ones like 'bcd' and 'ppt'. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Interesting observation or observation-like comment. Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:23:47 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor My apartment has a pleasant floral smell at the moment because the bitter gourd vine is feeling its oats. This is an odd plant because it smells like roses if you leave it alone, but if you touch it, it releases clouds of deadly bitter gourd vapor that smells sort of like burning brussel sprouts. If you pick off a leaf or break a tendril or something, the smell comes out in waves so thick you can practically see them. Even if you just handle it without breaking its skin, it still stinks. But if you leave it alone it smells like roses. -- K. And it still won't make any gourds. Just lots of flowers that smell the opposite of the way the rest of the plant smells. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y1D bug Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:42:15 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Dan Collins (dcollins@macroent.com) wrote: > > Can you imagine if computers were invented back in like, 1901, and all the > programmers would have been freaking out because 1910 was coming up and all > their dates had been stored as single digits! Oh man, that would suck > because Y1D just doesn't sound as good as Y2K. Timing is everything in show > business and computer programming now. I always liked how some checkbooks would say "197_" for the year because people are so lazy that they only want to write one digit before they write the "EXACTLY THREE HUNDRED FIFTY-EIGHT DOLLARS AND NINETY-NINE CENTS" part. Of course, this meant that those checks could only be passed in the years 197, 1970 to 1979, and 19700 to 19799. (But not 197000, because the blanks weren't long enough for that date no matter how many times I tried to squeeze it in.) After the mid-seventies they started making checkbooks that would last more than a few years and said "19__", and then Y2K came and RUINED MY CHECKBOOK! Soon, of course, checks will be made out of interactive Java-based "smart ink" printed on electrical paper, so you'll just use your fingertip to double-click on the little "19/20" popup and then type in the remaining two digits with the keyboard that's implanted in the back of your other hand, which is working the mouse that's in the wearable computer in your underwear. Assuming your underwear is still wearable that far in the future. -- K. IN THE FUTURE, UNDERWEAR WILL COME IN A SQUEEZE TUBE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y1D bug Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 03:03:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > IN THE FUTURE, UNDERWEAR WILL COME IN A SQUEEZE TUBE! > > So will we have to put it on with rollers or brushes? You're making an assumption. I never said anything about people in the future _wearing_ underwear, which is packaged exactly the same way as Don Knott's peanut butter in "The Reluctant Astronaut". A movie which, incidentally, was just like Disney's "The Rocket Man" (a movie in which Harlan Williams plays the moron who goes to Mars and Jim Belushi plays the NASA scientist who was secretly responsible for the Apollo 13 disaster) which should not be confused with the other movie named "The Rocket Man" which was by all reports a very amusing film for kids of all ages but all prints of it were burned and then buried and then burned again because they discovered that LENNY BRUCE WROTE IT! Because kids couldn't be allowed to watch anything G-rated written by a known SUBVERSIVE COMEDIAN! Does anyone else worry about those days before they were born when Groucho Marx's game show was considered too risque' for kids? I wish I had been a kid back then because there would have been so much more stuff that people wouldn't have wanted me to watch. They thought comic books were the root of all evil, too, before they realized they were wrong and it was proven to be video games. -- K. Incidentally, I just flamed one of my favorite authors because he spammed me about his biography of Carl Sagan. TAKE THAT, WILLIAM POUNDSTONE, IF INDEED THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pet Peeve Diatribe #38 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 07:51:36 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > I hate how Marcel Marceau has tried to commercialize mime by "dumbing it > down" for mass consumption. If I didn't know you better, I'd think you were being silly! > True mime has -- historically -- been a relatively high-brow intellectual > pursuit, AND WHY DO THEY CALL IT "PANTOMIME" WHEN THEY WEAR TIGHTS? TIGHTS AREN'T PANTS! REAL MEN WEAR PANTS! AND WHAT'S WITH THAT AIRLINE FOOD? > and it is ridiculous that the average layperson should be expected to > understand the Noh theatre-like subtleties inherent in the medium. I like Bunraku because it's like Punch & Judy without the violence. Or a Sid & Marty Krofft show without the hallucinatory imagery. > How can your typical Joe or Josephine, fresh off the bus from Duhville, > be expected to watch a mime performance and be inherently capable of > differentiating between the moments in which the artist is "avoiding noise" > versus the times he is actively "creating silence"? > > "Walking against the wind" indeed! Does Marceau even recognize the > historical origins of the "Walking against the wind" scenario, and how it > originates in the Platonic ideal of an irresistible force? > > I realize (and lament) that gone are days of the great mimes, when La > Fontaine, Chiraz and Grigio would sit on an empty stage and discuss the > meaning of 'self' in a post-theocratic world. My God! The flurry of > hands, the exaggerated moues, the skin-tight clothing that had resonance, > had significance, not just as an article of clothing but as a personal > *statement*... What I hate is that the mimes these days have product-placement patches for various consumer goods all over their leotards. Marcel Marceau has a Catterpillar Tractor logo on his butt! > But who would have thought that things would have degenerated to the point > where a hack like Marceau can take this /very/ conversation and pretend it > was somehow *just* about being trapped inside a box made of glass? True, > the "glass box" theory was relevant as a metaphor about the illusion of > free will, but to somehow surgically amputate this *minor* point of > discussion and build an irrelevant scene around it, without even > considering the philosophical context in which it was created... well, > that's just irresponsible. Amateur mimes could be injured, perhaps even > permanently crippled, if they attempt to "go down the moving escalator" > without understanding the wider implications from the perspective of > Cartesian rationalism. > > The mere suggestion that Marceau intends to create a mime "for the people" > is an insult to anyone who has ever worn a black and white stripey shirt > and facepaint. Personally, I vow to never again attend one of his > laughably execrable "shows", and I suggest you all do the same. But he got a box around his name in the opening credits of Jerry Lewis's "Smorgasbord", and he was much funnier than Jerry Lewis, simply because he never appeared in the movie at all. Of course, discovering fungus growing on your pet is funnier than Jerry Lewis. -- K. The fungus has better comic timing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pet Peeve Diatribe #38 Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 02:33:08 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Marcus Evenstar (evenstar@aa.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What I hate is that the mimes these days have product-placement patches > > for various consumer goods all over their leotards. Marcel Marceau has > > a Catterpillar Tractor logo on his butt! > > Actually, it's not a logo so much as an imprint. We're both wrong. It's carved in, and it's actually a symbol indicating which Mason sculpted his butt. I found this out from one of the other people here in the Masonic Temple I founded in my living room. So, who's bringing the girls? -- K. I think I have _two_ copies of Koch's "Das Zeichenbuch" but it's okay because I don't have any of "Mayor". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Serious Public Health Information!! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Wed, 13 Oct 1999 08:00:26 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > Since SO many of the men in this group have privately told me of > their erectile dysfunction, I present important news that may help you > with your often embarrassing plight. > > > BOSTON (Reuters) A ladies man > > suffering from a lackluster libido may want > > to lay off the licorice. Three Italian doctors > > warn in a letter published in Thursday's > > New England Journal of Medicine that > > glycyrrhizic acid, the active ingredient in > > licorice, suppressed sex hormone levels in > > seven men in their 20s. Which was all the more amazing because the sex doctors only fed the licorice to one guy who was in his 40s! Then they X-rayed him and it damaged his children, who were away at college. > > Extracts of licorice root are a widely used > > flavoring agents found in breath > > fresheners and candy. Especially the kind of candy that tastes bad. Also, enormous quantities of licorice are found in all Stella D'Oro pastries, and Charlie Chaplin's shoe. > > "The amounts of licorice given to these > > men are eaten by many people," they > > said. "Thus, men with decreased libido or > > other sexual dysfunction ...should be > > questioned about licorice ingestion." > > STEP AWAY FROM THE TWIZZLERS!! Wasn't "THE TWIZZLERS" that unaired game-show pilot hosted by David Letterman back when he had long hair? -- K. Fun fact: Not only did Chaplin eat a shoe made of licorice, but Harpo ate a telephone made of licorice live on stage every night, except the night that bastard Groucho replaced it with a telephone made of dog doo. I know it's true because I heard it in a college class. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.game-shows From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Albert Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 04:09:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology I don't know why my literature keeps getting rejected by prestigious literary journals like "TV Guide". Well, here's the latest masterpiece. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry It was that time of day again. Gene Rayburn made a clever entrance by walking onto the stage from the left instead of the right this time. His three-foot-long, hair-thin microphone was hard to see against his plaid jacket, but nobody was looking at it anyway because they were are staring at the bony ridge where his forehead should have evolved. He grinned into the camera as he prepared to crank out another episode. With Nipsey Russell! Brett Somers! Gary Burghoff! Charles Nelson Reilly! Richard Dawson! And Fannie Flagg! Here on the star-studded, big-money "Match Game '74"! Gene waved his microphone, fascinated by the shiny silver part. He liked it better than the red lights across the room. Red lights looked like fire and fire hurt! Fire burn Rayburn! "Rrr! Welcome to Match Game '74! I'm your host, Gene Rayburn, and this is our panel of wonderful celebrities!" (Brett Somers yelled "Kiss my grits!") "Now, let's meet our new contestant..." A large turntable slowly revolved, bringing a vacant-looking man with wild hair into view. The show's dressers had placed him in a salmon-pink jacket with enormous lapels to make him look hip. Gene waved the microphone in his general direction. "...Albert Einstein! Dr. Einstein, is this your first time here on 'Match Game'?" "Gene, I think so." "Ha ha ha! Very funny. But not as funny as our celebrity panelists! And with that, let's get started." He pushed a hidden four-inch-wide bright red button sticking out of the front of the gameboard, and something akin to a powder-blue toaster slowly rose out of the desk, with two slots marked 'A' and 'B'. "Dr. Einstein, 'A' or 'B'?" "What's the question?" "Do you want 'A' or 'B'?" "'B', please." Gene pulled a blue index card from the slot and read it aloud. "Dumb Donald was SO dumb..." (the audience shouted "HOW DUMB WAS HE?" a few seconds later.) "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK!" The studio audience laughed, then two bars of disco music played over and over while the celebrities used really loud magic markers so that you could hear them drawing some "W"s plus twice as many "E"s and a few hyphens on blue index cards. They all put their cards into the special slots where a sensor told a stagehand to flip the switch that turned on the lights on the front of their desks indicating that their cards were in the special slots. Gene Rayburn leaned over Albert Einstein. "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK. How do you fill in the blank?" Einstein thought for a moment and said, "...he didn't know the toilet was for... EVERYONE." There were scattered boos from the audience, largely masked by the laugh track. Gene shook his head. "I don't know, Dr. Einstein, I think the audience just might disagree with you. But I could be wrong, unlikely as it may seem. Let's find out what our talented celebrity panel put down for their answer." Nipsey Russell said, "I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely as / WEE-WEE!" and held up a blue card that said "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. Brett Somers said, "I had trouble with this one. First I thought about 'DRINKING'. But then I said... WEE-WEE!'" A buzzer sounded. Gary Burghoff held up a card that said "WEE-WEE!" and he said "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. It seemed to be getting louder. And the studio lights were getting hotter. Einstein started to wonder if he wasn't doing so well so far. Charles Nelson Reilly puffed on his unlit pipe for a moment before saying, "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. Richard Dawson scratched his mustache, which was dwarfed by his enormous mutton-chop sideburns and Beatle haircut, and said, "Well, I'm from England. Over there we're too polite to say 'WEE-WEE!' So, I just said 'WEE!'" Half a buzzer sounded. Then the other half. Fannie Flagg, wearing a sweater decorated with red sequins in the shape of a lobster, held up a 'WEE-WEE!' card upside-down. A buzzer sounded for a long time. The camera zoomed in on the big zero on the front of Einstein's little stucco contestant desk as the celebrities glowered down from their sextuple pulpit. Gene Rayburn shook his head sadly. "I'm so sorry you're not doing well, Dr. Einstein, in spite of your perfectly intelligent answer. But perhaps you'll do better if you give a good answer to this next question. 'A' or 'B'?" Einstein thought about this problem again, eventually concluding that the value of 'B' was greater than 'A'. Gene pulled another card out of the 'B' slot and read it aloud. "Did you hear about the tse-tse mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a keg of beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK." The audience laughed at the incredibly clever yet completely obvious punchline as the disco music repeated like an ice-cream truck jingle composed by Philip Glass, while the celebrities drew "W"s and "E"s on new, different blue cards. "Dr. Einstein, what is your answer to this -- Did you hear about the tse-tse mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a keg of beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK." "Horsefly, Gene." "Is that an answer?" He looked over at the judges who had lit up the "YES, THAT IS AN ANSWER, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT" sign. Of course, all six celebrities said "WEE-WEE" (except for Nipsey Russell, who said "Float like a butterfly / Sting like a WEE-WEE!") and Einstein again received six buzzers, one zero, and assorted boos from the simulated audience. Einstein picked "B" again, because "Match Game '74" contestants were always required to pick "B". The third question was even worse, especially as Gene Rayburn read it aloud in his atrocious Marlon Brando impression. "The Godfather said, 'Usually when I rub out (that means kill) a guy he "sleeps with the fishes". Today I killed the Ty-D-Bol Man and now he's sleeping in the BLANK.'" Naturally Einstein said "doghouse" and everyone else yelled "WEE-WEE!" (Nipsey Russell said, "My country 'tis of thee / Sweet land of WEE-WEE!") Einstein was now thoroughly humiliated by his inability to guess the punchline of lame jokes where the punchline was always "WEE-WEE!" He scratched his head and then it dawned on him. "Match Game '74" contained "adult language", according to "TV Guide"! But what had tripped him up was that he hadn't realized it also contained bathroom humor suitable for toddlers everywhere! The correct answer was always "WEE-WEE!" and from now on, Albert Einstein would keep saying "WEE-WEE!" Gene Rayburn pulled the fourth, and final question, out of slot "B". "At that new restaurant, 'Dracula's Castle', they have quite a bar. The Bloody Marys are made with real BLANK." Einstein thought about this perplexing question for a while and decided to go with his gut instinct. He jumped on top of the glittery little desk and waved his arms while shouting "WEE-WEE! WEE-WEE! WEEEEE-WEEEEEEE!!!!" Everyone said "BLOOD!". Nipsey Russell's blue card said, "In fourteen ninety-two / Columbus sailed the ocean BLOO-D." Einstein was shamed and disgraced by finishing the entire game with a zero score, lower than any of the toddlers playing along at home! The word "STUPID" was flashed on the screen in front of Einstein's face as the members of the canned studio audience turned to each other and loudly whispered, "EINSTEIN IS A BOZO!" (Fortunately, the audio engineer's console had a button for that.) "YOU SHOULDN'TA SAID 'WEE-WEE!'" yelled Charles Nelson Reilly. Gary Burghoff wadded up his blue card and threw it at Einstein, momentarily forgetting to keep one hand under the desk at all times when he hurled it with his bad hand. Fannie Flagg demonstrated her Southern hospitality by waiting until the camera was not pointed at her to give Einstein the finger. Gene Rayburn began to say something about Einstein being a perfect loser with a perfect score of perfectly nothing, but then he was momentarily distracted because the judges were yelling something at him. "What? Oh. Dr. Einstein, the judges inform me that you actually won, because we forgot to have another contestant for you to compete against. (sigh) I guess you WILL go on to the SuperMatch bonus round, darn it to heck!" Einstein jumped out of his seat as the turntable began to revolve under him. He narrowly avoided being crushed as the "SuperMatch" game board came out where his little desk had been. To make him pay attention, Gene rapped him on the head with his lanky microphone. "We polled 100 members of our studio audience, and the top three hexadecimal values returned by it -- I mean, the top three answers that they said -- are on the board. If you match the top answer, you'll win $500. The second answer is worth $250, the third one $100, and below that you're an idiot. You can ask three of these charming celebrities for help. Here's what you're trying to match: 'WEE-BLANK'." Einstein shaded his eyes from the hot studio lights with one hand and pointed in the general direction of a celebrity with the other. "I'd like Richard Dawson to help me, Gene." Mr. Dawson idly scratched his fluffy mustache and said oh-so-casually, "Well, as you know, I am from England. And over there we're very well educated compared to you Yanks. We even have to memorize your Declaration of Independence, even though it had no bearing on our history. 'WEE-hold these truths to be self-evident.'" Gene Rayburn smiled at his fellow game show host. "Okay, Dr. Einstein, you have one perfectly good answer. You can task two more celebrities for their suggestions." "Um... Brett Somers? She's a celebrity, right?" When the camera cut to her, she pulled her enormous sunglasses down from her forehead to shield her eyes from the imaginary rays coming out of the camera. "I resent that remark! I am a celebrity, just like my husband, Jack Klugman! And after serious consideration, I've come up with the most perfect answer possible... 'WEE-kend!'" Gene put an arm around Einstein to suggest an easy rapport with even the stupidest contestants. "You can choose one last celebrity." "Ah... um... I'll take Gary Burghoff to block." Gary Burghoff scrunched down in his seat to pretend he was short, and sang in a high-pitched voice, "WEEEEEEE-represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild..." The canned applause kicked in when he got to the second "Lollipop Guild", because it wasn't funny until then. The camera pulled back to reveal Gene holding Einstein by the shoulders to keep him pointed at the panel of witty celebrities. "Now, Dr. Einstein, you've got three great suggestions for 'WEE-BLANK': 'WEE hold these truths,' 'WEE-kend,' and 'WEE represent the Lollipop Guild.' You can pick any of those three, or, if you dare, choose an answer of your own." Einstein thought about it. He wanted to say 'WEE-WEE' but he wasn't sure if the rules allowed him to come up with his own answer using his own brain and not that of Brett Somers. None of the other contestants throughout the history of "Match Game '74" had ever done that. And Gene Rayburn only said once per show that it was allowed. So Einstein said, "WEE-kend!" "ALL RIGHT!" yelled Gene Rayburn directly into Einstein's ear, "LET'S SEE WHAT THE $100 ANSWER WAS!" A hidden stagehand (permanently sealed into the gameboard) slid back the "$100" card to reveal "WEE REPRESENT THE LOLLIPOP GUILD," except "LOLLIPOP" was spelled with only two L's. And they were together. (This typographical error would have been grounds for disallowing anything Einstein said that wasn't spelled that way, just to make it easier to rig the game.) "AND NOW LET'S SEE THE $250 ANSWER!" Another card was pulled back to reveal "WEE HOLD THESE TRUTHS." "AND NOW... WE'RE ABOUT TO REVEAL THE $500 ANSWER! THE TOP ANSWER! WE'RE GOING TO REVEAL IT..." (The spotlight on Einstein turned a sickly orange to make him look pale and emaciated) "...RIGHT AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS!" (There were some commercials.) "AND THE $500 ANSWER... AT THE TOP OF THIS BOARD... BEHIND THAT SLIDING CUTOUT THING... PRINTED IN ENGLISH... IS..." "WEE-WEE!" The spotlight on Einstein focused a narrow beam into the top of his thinning hair to make him look balder. The celebrities stormed down from their seats and began kicking Einstein and jabbing him with their black Magic Markers. Gene Rayburn shoved the tip of his microphone into Einstein's ear from across the room. The simulated audience threw beer bottles (it was a modified tennis-ball machine.) Fannie Flagg, JoAnn Pflug, and JoAnne Worley took off their clothes. Paul Lynde ran onto the stage and kissed Charles Nelson Reilly as the set burst into flames. And the announcer, Gene Wood, politely but firmly informed Einstein that he had won a ten-year supply of Stupid-Roni, the pasta dish for stupid people. Then "Match Game '74" was cancelled forever. Fortunately, Gene Rayburn got a job the next day, hosting "Match Game '75". In fact, he kept hosting "Match Game" variants for the next twenty years until Bill Gates sued for copyright infringement. Then Mr. Rayburn went back to his cave. THE END ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I apologize for forgetting to work Potsie into this story. -- K. Potsie was rejected because he was actually still popular in '74. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.game-shows From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Albert Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 02:29:44 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Richard Hudson (rhudson765@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame > > by James "Kibo" Parry > > Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry > > > > > > > > And how many epsidoes of Match Game 74 did you actually watch before posting > this story. Watch? I had to sit between Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers for a whole week and you want me to have WATCHED the show after I got home exhausted from listening to Mr. Reilly yelling "WEE-WEE! TINKLE! BAZOOMS!"? Besides, I'll have you know that my story can't be inaccurate because it's copyrighted. Therefore everything else must be wrong. > Richard Hudson Sorry, I said "Richard Burton". But you could still win if you match all five remaining panelists... -- K. P.S. Please don't bring up the time I was on "Magnificent Marble Machine". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Library Porn Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 04:56:54 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.religion.kibology, Merletron@webtv.net wrote: > > I like this Idea of library porn for those that can't afford a computer > at home for what should be private activity. You're just pretending you have a WebTV so that we'll think you can't afford a computer and will tell you where the free porn section of the library is, right? Well, it won't work! I'll never tell you where the free porn section of the library is! But I will drop a hint: It's at the opposite end of the library from wherever Don Saklad happens to be at the moment. > When I can't get to the skating rink...I can just bring my skates to the > library, and zip along over the slick floors near the computers! > > That should be fun. Rollerskates are not allowed at the library! But the sign don't say nothin' 'bout skateboards. So bring your K-RAD SK8B0RD and pop a 720 off the top of the photocopier, dude! (I keep trying that but it doesn't usually work because I don't have a skateboard.) > And I'll probably meet some REAL NICE people there, too. > > Yuck. The library people would be nicer to you if you cheered up those gloomy-Gus types. Try putting whoopie cushions on all the library chairs and then watch the librarians try to SHUSH AWAY THE FUN! -- K. And why doesn't the library have more vending machines that sell those special Cheetos where the orange grease sticks to your fingers only until you pick up a rare book? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stop posting already! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 07:48:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI", dagren@abo.fi wrote: > > Subject: Stop posting already! > > I'm trying to go home! I'm sorry if we're making you stay in the public library while other people want to use the computer. I believe Don Plutonium and Archie Saklad are next in line. Have you considered having the Internet forwarded to your home? They can press it onto CD-ROMs and send it to you via UPS. That way you can play the Internet without a computer if you have a Sony Discman! By the way, I'm sorry Akio Sony died. He was one of those rare people who deserved to be rich. -- K. Of course, he was Japanese, so it didn't matter -- when you're born in Japan they automatically give you your own electronics manufacturing concern as you leave the hospital. Unless you're a girl, in which case you just get super powers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.food.mcdonalds,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: imon bites the dust..................Where's the "beef"? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 07:55:04 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.neck In alt.food.mcdonalds and alt.religion.kibology, "D.S.R" (s315@ne.infi.net) wrote: > > "imon Clark" (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > "D.S.R." (s315@ne.infi.net) wrote: > > > > > > No, you take a few deep breaths, since your the one shouting here. > > > > I AM SHOUTiNG, YOU SAY??? HUH??? I THOUGHT I WAS ***TYPiNG*** ThIS!!!! > > DO YOU THInK I AM RICH EnOUGH TO OWN SOmE SORT OF FUTURISTIC SPEECH- > > AcTIVATED COmPUTOR??? > > No, I just thought you were smart enough to know that using the Capital > letters is considered shouting, guess your so smart. i just wanted to let you know that i am smarter than you so now you can please stop shouting at the first start of every sentence and putting those black dots that don't sound like anything at the end sinceerley you're pal KIBO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THE END ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Canada bans female names for cows! a.r.k. to follow suit? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 02:49:58 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > According to an item in the 10/13 Boston Globe, Canadian officials have > forbidden an agricultural research center and museum (i.e., a farm that > charges admission) "Smell the manure for a dollar!" There was one of those outside Schenectady. It had a SOLAR-POWERED GREENHOUSE. Before they put in the solar greenhouse, we had a field trip there when I was in first or second grade. I remember one kid fell into the cow flop, but I don't remember if they just abandoned him there or allowed him to ride back on the bus with us. I assume that because I don't remember the whole bus smelling like poo that the kid was simply left behind to become property of the farm. In fact, I don't even remember who the kid was, which opens up the possibility that he wasn't even a member of the class but just an anonymous stunt poo-diver midget hired to entertain us at taxpayer expense before they came up with the idea of spending the money on solarizing their glass house. > to give female names to its cows, apparently after a visitor to the > facility was offended upon discovering that one of its bovine residents > shared her Christian name. From now on, no Christian names are allowed for cows! Only Jewish, Muslim, Satanist, and Scientologist cow names! I bet Christians wouldn't object to any of those! > Henceforth, only gender-vague monikers like "Buttercup" So you're saying that the Gilbert & Sullivan character was gender-neutral? What a relief! All along I'd assumed Adam West was gay because he sang "They call me Buttercup, sweet little Buttercup" on "Batman" but now I realize that singing Gilbert & Sullivan while wearing purple tights and a cape isn't gay as long as Buttercup isn't a girl. > or "Clover" will be allowed, rather than "Elsie" or "Tammy." What about "Chris" and "Terry" and "Pat" and "Leslie" and "Marion"? (I dare you to tell me whether Leslie Nielsen is a man or woman without looking it up!) > In fact, the center may also ban the use of male names for certain animals, You mean like "rooster" and "bull"? > like Tom Turkey or Wilbur the Pig. SERDAR ARGIC WILL NOT REST UNTIL TURKEYS ARE CLEANSED OF ARMENIAN NAMES! > Since more and more people are clambering onto the 'Net, female > alt.religion.kibologists should consider following a similar policy. > Imagine, after all, the great trauma a neophyte newsgroup browser named > "Leah" or "Samantha" might suffer when they find out they have the same > name as a regular ARKer. So we call them "Lee" and "Sam". Except then someone would still be traumatized to have the same name as Lee Bumgarner. > I'm sure that legally adopting a nongender-specific, evocative appellation > like "Flowerboot" or "Potatobucket" would be a small sacrifice to make. Fine. You can be Zeptoquaternium Daffodil-27 Plutonium. I've got to go visit Pat Morita in his giant flying fortune cookie. OH NO! I DRAGGED JERRY LEWIS INTO A KURT VONNEGUT REFERENCE! LITERATURE IS RUINED FOREVER! > Of course, those of us on ARK who possess Y chromosomes Y chromosomes? ...because we love Bio-Domes. AUGH! I DRAGGED PAULY SHORE INTO THE MICKEY MOUSE CLUB! NOW ANETTE FUNICELLO IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE AN MTV VEEJAY TO RESTORE NATURE'S COSMIC BALANCE! > are more than willing to do our part -- some, like "Froggy" and "Hi There" > already have, in fact. I'm confident that Matt, for example, would be > perfectly happy being known as "Muddyboot," Matt already has three perfectly good nicknames in alt.religion.kibology: "Matt Muon", "Longshot", and "Thick". > or that Dave could make do with "Puddingcloth." > > But let me state emphatically that I will not, under any circumstances, > consent to "Doidyhead." I say we name Sean Smith "Non-consensual Doidyhead." And then put his name on a computer prototype without his permission and wait to see if he sues us when Steve Jobs refuses to sell him any pot. > Sean ("And my younger daughter already has dibs on 'Spunky'") Smith What do we call Spot? -- Ki "James Parry" Bo ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY of AP; Iowa State Univ Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 04:15:37 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I wish Dr. Alexander Abian were still here with us for I would > like to meet him today. Yeah, it's too bad you can't revive dead people through biotechnology or anything. Well, there used to be this guy who kept talking about how he was going to do that, but I think he turned out to be a nut. Last I heard, he was heading towards Iowa while eating candy. > I suspect this will not be my first and last visit to Iowa State. Iowa State students and faculty were saddened by the death of Dr. Alexander Abian, especially after they heard that Archie was moving in to occupy his old room. > And wandering around on the campus I delighted in the Campanile > and the fountain nearby of running water close to the Memorial > Union building. (Mental image of Archie taking off his shoes and cavorting in the fountain while shouting "WHEE! I'M THE KING OF SCIENCE!" but then a giant iceberg crashes into it and everyone dies.) > Something about the sound of running water that is so delightful. Arch, I've asked you before, stop following people into the restroom! > I ate lunch at the Commons in the Memorial Union > building and the set-up of dining is excellent. I had a 1,000 > Island salad and egg sandwich and fruit and coconut cream pie. > I think other > universities ought to visit Iowa State Memorial Union to see > how to own and operate an excellent dining facility. Many of the other universities only have 999 Island salad! Of course, all the time Archie was eating his Thousand Island dressing he was ranting about how the Thousand Islands were really a peninsula. > Food of vast variety and food that is top notch and low prices. Many of > the students are workers in the dining facility. So how much better-paid are they than the crazy dishwashers they had at Dartmouth? > Not only does Memorial Union have an excellent dining facility but it also > houses a post office and bookstore and hotel. I wish I had known > it had a hotel for I would have liked to have had a stay at the > Iowa State Univ. hotel. I asked and the price was $50 per night. Oh, it's one of those "You Pay Your I.Q." hotels operated by Ground Round. (WOULDN'T IT BE FUNNY IF GROUND ROUND WAS A DIVISION OF A HOTEL CHAIN?) > And the Memorial Union building is a fancy building and has many > nice things for students. And then out one door is the fountain > with running water and the Campanile tower in view. Archie likes to watch running water. Just like Gumby. > Iowa State Univ is a fine and excellent university and I would > recommend it especially those in the sciences. I visited the physics > building and they had a display of a Dr. Atanosoff (spelling) > and Dr. Berry, > who in a sense, invented the modern day digital computer. As, yes, the golden age of computing, when the digital computer had been invented but they hadn't yet decided that Dartmouth's dishwashers should have access. > Iowa State is a very smart and progressive school and to top it off, it > is in a clean, cool and cold environment. Not the over populated > smog and blight and hot heat campuses of the California schools. > And what is more, the cost of going to school at Iowa State is > considerably less than those California schools. Iowa State is one > of the best kept secrets of a quality education. Actually, I think > there are many state universities where one can get a quality > education better than the bragged about schools such as the Calif > schools or the Ivy league schools which charge exorbitant tuition > and whose surrounding environment is awful to horrible. > > And I would like to recommend to Iowa State something. I notice > that this school has a large emphasis on science. Their physics > department is huge and excellent. But compared to you, an Old Farmer's Almanack is huge and excellent when it comes to physics. > I would like to recommend for Iowa State future to more and more > become a Iowa Institute of Science and Technology. To make Iowa State > a midwestern school like Caltech or MIT. Um, Arch, it doesn't stand for "Midwestern Institute of Technology." (First he says it's in California, now he thinks it's in the Midwest. Arch, settle down and pick a single place to imagine MIT's in. Maybe you should put it in Cambridge, because there aren't any other big schools there now that you've declared that Harvard is in Boston.) > I suppose the Univ of Chicago and Northwestern serve as the > Caltech & MIT for the Midwest. I say the Midwest needs a third > such school and that Iowa State would be the natural first choice pick. > To gradually turn Iowa State into a midwestern Caltech or MIT type > of school. Whatever you do, don't turn it into another Dartmouth! Hey, whatever happened to your plans to buy Dartmouth and rename it "Plutonium College" and/or "Plutonium University"? And how come you stopped loving Dartmouth around the time they fired you? I mean, the King of Science should be big enough not to hold a grudge when he gets fired from his low-paying menial job! (You never hear REAL scientists complaining about their low wages.) > To increase its science departments and to sacrifice its all > other departments for science. > > The California science schools of Stanford, Caltech and Berkeley > are hindered by they poor, lousy and crummy environments of > air pollution, crime, overpopulation, blight and hot heat. And > the eastern Ivy league schools have much of the same problems that > the California schools are hobbled with. > > Thus, a Iowa State University to become Iowa Institute of > Technology & Science makes alot of sense. Dear Alexander Plutonium, WHOOPS! Jumped the gun. I can't call you that until you announce you're changing your name. How many days do we have left until you merge your genetic structure with Alexander Abian's? -- K. And then he'll come to Boston and become Alexander Sakladium, and then he'll go to Cleveland and become Alexander Sakladiwodaium, and then he'll go to wherever the heck Manley Hubbell is and become... no, wait Archie can't become Manley. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY of AP; Iowa State Univ Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 06:19:24 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Archie likes to watch running water. Just like Gumby. > > Archie and Gumby are a lot alike, aren't they? They both leave big green > greasy spots on books. Yes, but Gumby always goes into classic literature and tales of thrilling adventure. Archie goes into Greyhound bus schedules and comes out in Iowa. If only he had a talking dog to go with his big round shiny head. GOLIATH: "Archie... don't throw rocks into that pond. Woof." ARCHIE: (helium voice) "Whyever not, Goliath?" GOLIATH: "God says... it bothers the fish." ARCHIE: "Oh... then I'll go home and cook a hot dog in a paper cup." GOLIATH: "Archie! Don't... say... that... word!" (I've always assumed he talks just like Davey, who talked and moved and acted just like Gumby except without the superpowers.) I mean, back in 1993, I got Archie (nee Ludwig) to compose a "Plutonium Hymn" to the tune of the "Davey & Goliath" theme ("A Mighty Fortress Is Our God.") Imagine how much better he'd be at impersonating Davey (and/or Goliath) now that he's had six years more practice. I mean, back then, he hadn't even figured out what his first name was. --- rerun by someone who should not be confused with me, namely, Archie --- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology From: Ludwig Plutonium (Ludwig.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) Subject: Re: France's Plutonium in Japan Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH Date: Sat, 23 Oct 1993 20:59:57 GMT James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > Dear Ludwig-- > That was very nice. Do you have one to the music for "A Mighty > Fortress Is Our God"? I have been trying to learn to play it on my harp > and would like new words. Thank you. Here goes James-- please request that it be sung by the congregation just before the sermon. Love Ludwig PHYSICAL LAW IS TO OUR MAKER A migthty theory is our physics Atoms to quarks never failing Physical Laws are always inexorable and prevailing For still there are our ancient foes, witchcraft, mysticism, horoscopes and religion to work us woe Physics universal and precise. But religion is around and armed with superstition and science fiction But science is better than its equal Physics builds on experiment and evidence But religion is a losing, having fanatics on their side. The man who was a morphine doctor to the Essene revolt against the Romans. Josephus the historian deemed nonimportant for he never mentions him. Dost ask who made him important. Paul it is he. Science fiction is its name. Walk-on-water, magic cure, part the Red Sea is its game. For many centuries to century the same dogma, and it must lose the battle. And through this world with religious fanatics filled. Who would threaten to rack and torture us as Galileo, or burn us as the beautiful Hypatia. We will not fear for the ATOM hath willed its truth to triumph through science. Religion and sentiment of darkness grim, We tremble not for religion, its Rack, its carnage, in the name of, for science fiction is doomed and physical law is prevailing. That idea above all earthly powers is the ATOMIC Fact Little thanks to religious science fiction The spirit and the photon soul are ours Through 231Pu who with us sideth. Let goods and kindred go. This mortal life also; our body, which our photon souls rebundled by the Protons will. PU's truth abideth still. It's atomic space, energy, and time are forever. ATOM ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.engr,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY: constructing a brick building Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 05:52:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu and sci.engr, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Question: can you construct a brick building without pouring > any concrete foundation? Can you order concrete block and brick > and cement and sand and then use block for the floor and > foundation and then brick for the walls? All without any poured > cement? So I take it you're never going to want to play marbles on the floor? And you're only going to live in the shack for a week so that you don't have to see the floor settle and sinkholes open under it the first time it rains? > Last night on the trip to Ames Iowa from Vermillion SD, my mind > was toying with the idea of constructing a small building by > myself consisting of block and brick and cement but no concrete. Archimedes Plutonium discovers Legos. Film at 11. > And to arrange the brick, two different colors of brick > in the walls such that I can get a Greek doric column facade. They come in fire-engine red, medium blue, primary yellow, white, black, and sometimes other colors if you buy one of the pirate or outer-space sets. Sorry, no Ancient Greek Legos. I guess you'll have to have a pirate-themed house. > A building without any poured concrete but all block and brick > and cement grouting > because I can undo it if I make mistakes or want to change it. Oh, yeah, a regular building built by Archimedes Plutonium would be impossible for anyone to tear down. So, Arch, after you build your own "small building" to protect yourself from the Big Bad Wolf, what sort of computer are you going to build so that you can get Internet access without going to the Iowa State library? And are you going to make the computer out of nothing but chips with no boards? (Architectural purity is important.) -- K. Maybe Mattel's Barbie Computer and Hot Wheels Computer should be joined by The Archie Computer. It could have orange plaid on top and be flanked by two stereo speakers named Betty and Veronica. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lumberman Sex Change Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 06:32:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Alex Suter (asuter@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Not what you think. > > http://www.lumbermansexchange.com/ I would be surprised if it would be what I think. Because what I think all day is a whirling maelstrom of Chinese food ingredients, dancing bears, sitcoms that were cancelled after one episode, elastric truds, and the list of all flavors that 7-Eleven Slurpees aren't available in. All criss-crossing and colliding and exploding and dancing all day, all night, ALL NUDE! So, if your Lumberman Sexchange site actually has that on it, well... it won't matter because that stuff is ALREADY living in my brain. -- K. Iheard astreamof frightening manslaughter comingoutof therapist asheheard BennyHill make apun aboutthe lumbermansexchange. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY: Las Vegas & homeless solution Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 06:55:29 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor (Kibo crushes an empty can of Kontext-Away against his forehead and tosses it into a nearby wastebasket. He reaches for a packet of NEW KURT-VONNEGUT-INSPIRED DECONTEXTIFIED SYMPHONIC EMBARASSMENT and tears it open.) Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > [...] (An enormous symphony orchestra, comprised of hundreds of musicians, is playing the "1812 Overture" at an ever-increasing volume. the camera, mounted in the nose of a Saturn-V rocket, blasts off, revealing a wider angle on the hundreds of thousands of people sitting quietly in the audientce. Suddenly the camera plunges downwards just as the music stops, zooming in on an elderly dowager shouting into the ear of her companion:) > I like the chocolate flavored eggplant ones. (BOOM! The camera and nuclear bomb in the nose of the Saturn-V explode, destroying this special one-time-use packet of NEW KURT-VONNEGUT-INSPIRED DECONTEXTIFIED SYMPHONIC EMBARASSMENT. Kibo says, "Eh..." and drops the empty packet on the floor, then pencils "KONTEXT-AWAY" on his shopping list.) -- K. That was EXPENSIVE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.inventors From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hefty Kewl New Invention: The Fridge Magnet! Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Fri, 15 Oct 1999 07:00:22 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Before you flame me: yeah, yeah, I know, fridge magnets have been around > since the mid eighties. But not ones like THIS! > > First came Magnetic Letters, then Magnetic Words, but now there is... > > ************************ > * Magnetic Handwriting * > ************************ > > Yes that's right, I said HANDWRITING! > > What's that? You don't believe this is possible? Well it IS NOW! > > Simply cover your refrigerator with the supplied iron filings and write > away! It's as easy as that! > > And remember: I thought of it first. Also, I call dibs. NOT FOR STEALING!!! Sorry, I already invented something a billion times cooler: Magnetic food. Just stick it to the outside of your refrigerator and you can watch it spoil! -- K. Also I invented hamburgers with built-in refrigerators inside them so that you can store them by simply turning them inside out. (This works best on White Castles.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimpanzee in Custody Dispute Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 04:57:57 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Linda Deutsch wrote for the Associated Press: > > Subject: Chimpanzee in Custody Dispute (KIBO, DENNIS MILLER, and JON STEWART are lunging for the last doughnut when KIBO sees something out of the corner of his eye. He turns away and grabs a newspaper which is sliding past on an electrified wire at high velocity. MILLER and STEWART knock themselves unconscious when their heads collide. KIBO takes the doughnut and eats it as he reads the newspaper.) KIBO Mmm, sprinkles... mmm, chimpanzee... > WEST COVINA, Calif. (AP) -- He's been described as ``a good > citizen'' and ``a political prisoner.'' Hey! Lyndon LaRouche is not a chimpanzee! > Moe the chimpanzee, He's the leader of The Three Chimpanzee Stooges. Man, I would love to see them do some Three Stooges movies with an all-chimp cast. Except I don't know if chimps would be smart enough to throw pies. They'd probably just think the pies were for EATING because CHIMPS ARE STUPID! > the subject of an emotional custody dispute, is having his day in court > and it's creating a local sensation. JUDGE Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? MOE THE CHIMP (blows a very wet raspberry and kisses the judge) LAWYER I move for a mistrial! The monkey wasn't supposed to lick your face until I threw this banana cream pie at you! JUDGE Order in the court! I find you in contempt! LARRY THE HOMICIDAL POTTED BEGONIA Oh, a wise guy, eh? CURLY THE INANIMATE MOLECULE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE EARTH FROM WHERE WE COULD SEE HIM Nyuk nyuk nyuk! GROUCHO When I throw a pie, people say it's funny! HARPO (makes funny noises and falls down) > An army of lawyers is fighting over whether Moe, who has bitten > a couple of people, At the same time? > should remain in quarantine or be allowed to return to his surrogate > parents, St. James and LaDonna Davis. > The Davises rescued him from the wilds of Africa 30 years ago > when his mother was killed by poachers. > ``I want our family back together,'' a weeping St. James Davis > told reporters outside the local courthouse on Thursday. Just think, if the chimp is listed as next of kin, someday that chimp could own their house! AND THEN HE'D RENT ROOMS OUT BUT WOULD DISCRIMINATE AGAINST HUMANS! > Picketers -- mostly neighbors who have lived on the same street > as Moe for years -- marched with signs saying, ``Bring Moe Home,'' > ``West Covina Loves Moe'' and ``Moe is a political prisoner.'' Of course, most of those signs were left over from the making of the movie, "The Three Stooges Get Exiled To Siberia". > ``He causes a lot less problems than the kids in the > neighborhood,'' said Susan Stewart, calling Moe ``a good citizen.'' I'm sure he votes. I mean, Jesse Ventura got elected. > Officials had tried to evict Moe from West Covina in the 1960s > but a judge let him stay, saying the chimp ``doesn't have the > traits of a wild animal and was somewhat better behaved than some > people.'' Yeah! Chimps are better than those high-falutin' types who look down their noses at chimps! OOH WHAT A BURN! I JUST ZINGED THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE ON BEHALF OF A CHIMP NAMED AFTER A STOOGE! > Moe went on to become a local celebrity, appearing at ribbon > cuttings, helping sell cookies for the Girl Scouts, He was good at that because monkeys like picking lice off things. (I meant the cookies, not the scouts, you sickos.) > even appearing in a movie or two. Good thing he's a good citizen or he could have been blacklisted. > His troubles began in August 1998 when a worker fixing something > in Moe's cage accidentally caused an electrical shock to the chimp. > Moe panicked, escaped and ran through the neighborhood. Yeah, it's vitally important to have the electrical outlets _inside_ the chimp cage in good working order in case the chimp needs to plug in his WebTV. > Animal control officers tried to calm him, neighbors said, but > police roared up with flashing lights and sirens and Moe became > more agitated. He bit a police officer and an animal control > worker. Then he climed to the top of the Empire State Building and grabbed a biplane as his fur moved around randomly from moment to moment. > Last month, a community relations officer asked to visit Moe. > Sheryl Ortiz was told not to go too close, according to the > Davises, but she stuck her finger into Moe's cage. At first he > sucked on the finger, then he bit off the tip. Please don't make me choose which of those options I'd like least. > They explained that because he likes red licorice, he thought he > was biting into a piece of the candy when he saw her red nail > polish. CALL THE KANDY KOPS AND THE PASTRY POLICE, SOYLENT RED IS MADE FROM LADY FINGERS!!! > Moe has been taken to the Wildlife Way Station to be > quarantined. > Municipal Court Judge Carol Williams Elswick postponed all > action until Nov. 19, expressing hope that the parties will reach > an out-of-court settlement. Hopefully very FAR out of her court. Ever seen the mess chimps make in court? I mean, pies aren't the worst stuff they throw in real life. -- K. Here's a line I'll write into any Pauly Shore movies I'm forced to produce: "LOOK OUT, THE CHIMP HAS A NUCLEAR WEAPON!" Then Pauly would die in a nuclear explosion that lasts for two hours and has a laugh track. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Death dreams Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sat, 16 Oct 1999 05:36:40 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.dreams.lucid, Andrew Martin (martiam@es.co.nz) wrote: > > Hi > > Recently I have been finding myself having particularly real feeling dreams > which invlove me dying. I always wake up jsut before the dream me would > have died. I occcasionally do reality checks here and there, but I never > know if whats happening is a dream or not and I don't check regularly > enough, therefore I think I'm dying all the time. Kinda weird. > > Anyone know what this might mean or any suggestions as to how I could tel it > was a dream if I knew I was going to be dead within 3 seconds or less? I think this just might be one of those problems that science cannot solve. I hate science. If it wasn't for science, I'd be able to enjoy those dreams where I die! But I can't because I just wake up and feel unhappy that I almost died but then it turned out to be a TRICK. They should invent a way to remove the part of your brain that makes you able to dream. Also the part that lets you fall asleep so you'll never fall asleep in a courtroom. -- K. YOU haven't been on any jury trials involving Ten-Layer Hex-Bus Module Boards. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: And now for this important commercial message X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:10:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > My that's a tasty looking post you have there. > > Yes, I'm just about ready to eat it. [Grabs catsup bottle and prepares to > pour.] > > Wait a second! What are you about to put on that post? > > Some ketchup. Why? > > Why not use this instead? [Pulls out bottle of A-1 steak sauce.] > > A-1 on a post? > > Yes! For what is a post; chopped ham? No. It's chopped steak! > > [The A-1 is poured on the post.] > > Mmm... You're right! A-1 really _does_ enhance the flavor of a post. > > [A-1. Think of it the next time you're about to have a post.] FIRST KID: "You got your nose in my peanut butter!" SECOND KID: "You got your peanut butter up my nose!" ...only the didn't say "nose". Then they show one of those commercials for the little tubes of "M&M's Minis" that show how, when you open the tube, deadly candy shoots out at supersonic speed and goes right up your nose. Only it's not the nose, it's the other word. Then the doctor checks you over and sticks his proctoscope up your nose or the other word and inside he sees the fat guy from "Far Out Space Nuts" saying, "Hi, Guy!" and he starts rubbing solid deodorant on his forearm to show you how easy the rectangular stick it is to apply to flat, hairless, non-sweaty areas that aren't armpits. Because even the people who manufacture deodorant think armpits are gross. Then Jonathan Pryce does a car commercial and goes back to his job at The Ministry of Torture. NOW can I get my "Knight Rider 2000" reruns? I'm tired of just getting commercials and electric shocks when I open up my TV. -- K. A going-out-of-business sale on "Investment-Quality Living-Room Furniture" is on my TV right now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Maine Gets Taste of Y2K Glitch X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:30:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Sharp wrote for the Associated Press: > > PORTLAND, Maine (AP) -- State government got its first Y2K > surprise months early when owners of 2000 model cars and trucks > received titles identifying their new vehicles as ``horseless > carriages.'' > Despite millions of dollars spent to ensure state computers are > ready for the year 2000, computers in the secretary of state's > office got confused over the 2000 model year designation. > As a result, some new vehicle owners or lien holders got titles > to ``horseless carriages'' instead of cars or trucks in April. Yeah, the computer made up that wacky phrase ALL BY ITSELF because of the Y2K bug, which causes computers to print wacky phrases in April. Especially around the first of the month. DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!! And they only noticed this April Fool's prank in OCTOBER? DUH DUH DUH DUDDILY DUH DUH DOUBLE DUHHHHHHH!!!!!!! > The case demonstrates the problems that can occur when computers > misread the year 2000 as the year 1900, which is what happened in > the secretary of state's office. "Sir, the Y2K bug put that whoopie cushion on your chair!" "Oh my god! Call the National Guard!" > [...] > > ``The major systems that effect health and safety are in pretty > good shape,'' King spokesman Dennis Bailey said. ``We're pretty > sure if there is a problem, it will be this kind and not something > serious.'' Oh, sure, they always say practical jokes AREN'T SERIOUS until SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE when they sit on a whoopie cushion! I think we need to take this opportunity to define a new scale of intelligence as measured in gullibility units detected as a by-product of April Fool's Day and Y2K: EXTREME STUPIDITY believes April Fool's Day pranks are caused by Y2K believes earthquakes are caused by Y2K believes COBOL is the solution to the Y2K problem NORMAL STUPIDITY believes the Y2K problem will make kitchen faucets not work falls for practical jokes falls only for Kibo's practical jokes NOT STUPID Kibo And speaking of stupidity, I'm watching the second episode of "Star Trek: Voyager" tonight which has exactly the same plot as the other one (don't they all?) They just realized that aliens are making random things happen to them for no reason because they looked into a microsocope and Neelix's DNA, which looks like a bunch of marshmallows on a stick, has little barcodes on the atoms, so it must be FAKE! (I'm hoping they'll do an episode where the USS Voyager is destroyed by the Y2K Bug. Because I'm sure that they could go through a time warp and their computer would explode if they travelled back to 2000. This show's intelligence would go way up if they added Jane Badler or at least a talking dolphin.) -- K. DARWIN SCARED! COMPUTER PLAY WACKY PRANK IN APRIL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Maine Gets Taste of Y2K Glitch X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 01:40:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Several minutes ago, I wrote: > > And speaking of stupidity, I'm watching the second episode of > "Star Trek: Voyager" tonight which has exactly the same plot as the > other one (don't they all?) They just realized that aliens are making > random things happen to them for no reason because they looked into > a microsocope and Neelix's DNA, which looks like a bunch of marshmallows > on a stick, has little barcodes on the atoms, so it must be FAKE! They've just adjust the sticker on the alien robot boob-woman's forehead to let her see the invisible stuff that they're not supposed to see, and she can tell that there are aliens (who are represented by guys wearing brown coats, because aliens on "Star Trek" always wear brown so that even the stupidest viewers can remember that the red/yellow/blue uniforms are the good guys) and it turns out that all the crew members except the magical ghost doctor and the corset-wearing high-heeled robot sexpot are walking around wearing INVISIBLE NIGHT BRACES! -- K. "...or on-line at 'sharperimage.com'! That's ONE WORD, 'sharperimage.com'!" -- ad for a forty-dollar "Magic 8-Ball" knockoff on my TV right now. Is Saturday Stupid Night in TV-land for a reson? TV's usually so much brainier! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.video.divx,rec.games.video.sony From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PS2 to use DIVX instead of DVD Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 09:03:16 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology,alt.video.divx > > Richard S. Holmes wrote: > > > > > > Likewise Divx is better than DVD in terms of its features. For > > > example, I have been told that if you watch the Divx version of > > > "Elizabeth", and you turn up the Transparency to maximum, you can see > > > RIGHT THROUGH GWYNETH PALTROW'S CLOTHES. > Jeremy E. Cook (jecook@spam.die.ionet.net) wrote: > > > > Apparently you have been mis-informed. Divix's only major diference > > to DVD was that you had to pay for the movies you watched. "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > Yes, but we're not talking about DIV-IX, we're talking about DIV-X. > > DIV-X (also known as Division 10) had several advantages over DIV-IX > (Division 9). In addition to the Transparency control mentioned above, > Div-X had several WebTV-like features utilizing the telephone built into > the Div-X unit. For example, if you watch a wide-screen Div-X movie on a > standard-aspect-ratio TV, instead of black bars at the top and bottom you > get banner ads for pronographic web sites. I saw a beta version of the new version, DIV-XI, at an adult porn industry trade show in Las Vegas. The cool new hot features of DIV-XI is that if you have a widescreen TV and you're watching some lame old non-widescreen porn movie, instead of "reverse letterboxing" it (filling the left and right sides of the screen with vertical black things) it digitally analyzes the whole image to draw in the missing parts at the sides. It's really wicked cool. Now when you're watching "Rosemary's Baby" and Ruth Gordon is on the phone, instead of just seeing half her face, you can see the other part too! And at the end, the baby isn't offscreen any more! Even though I was only allowed to watch DIV-XI a little while, I noticed all sorts of things you can't see on a normal TV that only shows the parts of the picture they actually broadcast. Like, being able to see all the stuff at the sides that the filmmakers were trying to hide let me see stagehands picking their noses, and once, I caught Woody Allen standing off-camera trying to distract Mia Farrow during one of her big scenes. And if DIV-XI can make a Roman Polanski movie this much fun, just think what it'll do to REAL porn once you bring it home! I'm signing up for DIV-XI as soon as Microsoft makes it available in my area! -- K. Of course, there's this even better competing pornography format called DCLXVI... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.video.divx From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PS2 to use DIVX instead of DVD Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1999 03:45:28 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm signing up for DIV-XI as soon as Microsoft makes it available > > in my area! > > > > Of course, there's this even better competing pornography > > format called DCLXVI... > > Yeah, but I heard you have to get a bar-code tatooed on your > head or hand. Bummer. But DCLXVI only requires a tattoo on your head or hand. Regular DIV-XI, when Microsoft makes it available in your area, requires you to get a tattoo IN YOUR AREA. (Just ask Joel Hodgson or Mike Nelson what that involves.) -- K. And the worst part is that it's illegal to get tattoos in my area, because I live in Massachusetts. You know, that state founded by Puritans in order to abolish religious persecution and disallow tattoos. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AP's RELIGION-SCIENCE-ODYSSEY; Univ of Chicago Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 10:15:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.edu, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Crerar Library Univ of Chicago) > > Explored the campus this day of Friday 15OCT. Had lunch of > some chinese food of > noodles with mushrooms and tofu and a spicy (too spicy for me) > Stewart's ginger ale, Observation: Ginger ale is too spicy for the King of Science. Hypothesis: Perhaps he gets a hangover from 7-Up. Experiment: Measure whether the ginger ale bubbles burn his tongue. > then some ice cream and apple turnover in > the Hutchinson Commons building. It's like "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" except instead of doing drugs up and down the Strip, it's all about eating candy and ice cream while using computers in college libraries. But other than that this is the same thing. > The Hutchinson building has a tower with many gargoyle figures. Heavens! The Obvious Bag is about to burst! I think I better go toss it in the river before something too obvious pops out. > This is the first campus that I see alot of gargoyles on buildings ...yeah, usually Archie only sees them in mirrors. *BANG* There goes the Obvious Bag! I guess it just couldn't hold it in. > and the buildings, many of them are made out of a tan limestone. A tan limestone is like a green brownstone only the other way around. > I guess limestone is easy to carve with, but I would guess that > wood buildings would also be conducive for carving out gargoyles. Oh, yeah, you gotta carve the whole building from a single block of stone. Especially if you want to make it air-tight and leave out any doors or windows to keep Archie out. > And across the street from the Hutchinson Tower with its > gargoyles is the beautiful Unitarian church spire made out of > this tan limestone. The spire is beautiful because I believe > the dimensions of the spire itself follows the golden-mean-ratio. > Too many spires are oddball dimensions. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired psychedelic rock band name #41: TOO MANY SPIRES Archimedes Plutonium-inspired psychedelic rock band name #42: THE ODDBALL DIMENSIONS Hey, Arch, how tall are you? That should be the unit for measuring oddball dimensions. > And down the street from Hutchinson Tower are two more towers > of the Seminary tower and the Rockefeller chapel tower. So within > a block of each other there are 3 towers and 1 spire for a > beautiful view. Yeah, I'm sure it's much more beautiful than it would be if they hadn't built a university campus all over the meadow. > And across the street from these towers is the Univ of Chicago > quadrangle. Here I can see some general and consistent > architectural design as exemplified in the psychology building > and the business building and the history building. Observation: Archie didn't go near the science building. > And I can see where a school in a later period of time should > get away from the original design. But is this getting away > from the original college campus architectural design with > modern design in need of some new theme for which many > of the newer buildings abide with that new theme? Or are > all new buildings hodge podge and each new building different > from all the rest. In the future all college buildings will be required to be exactly the same! And they will all have a special chair reserved in case the King of Science visits! And it will be made from solid gold! With a solid gold whoopee cushion on it! And there will be a soft-serve ice cream dispenser too! > Let me examine that question with the Univ of Chicago. > Next to the Crerar library is a life-science building which has > fluted brick work, a massive fluted brickwork which the best way > for me to describe it is that one builds a square building > and then puts the square inside a "stonehenge type brickwork". Yep, just like the bricks they used when they built Stonehenge. > And nearby also we see this fluted pattern again with the geology > building only this time with a mix of brick and limestone. Do the > flutes serve any functional use or are they an extravaganza > for mere sight? Archie goes to the symphony just to look at the flutes. > And come to think of it, the life-science building of Univ > of Chicago looks like an enlarged image of a computer chip, and > a shame the building did not house the electrical engineers > because the looks of this building reminds one of an enlarged > semiconductor. ...whereas Archie's head reminds many of an enlarged semibutt. > I believe in a coherent, consistent architecture that unifies > the campus. But I also concede that a college must sometime > change its style of architecture. But in the changed portion > most buildings should resemble or have the change resembling the > new style. And I do not think the U of Chicago is going to > build numerous stonehenge fluted buildings. Let's see. Stonehenge was made from gluing together some bricks and flutes. And computer-chip-shaped buildings should only be used to house computer engineers. And in the future all college buildings must be identical. So, this means that all colleges will be required to cover their campus with copies of Stonehenge made from bricks and flutes, and inside will be hundreds of clones of John Cage throwing bricks at musical instruments. And then when John Cage publishes those compositions, Archimedes will write his own plutonium-oriented lyrics. "Violin Falling Down Stairs While I Hit Some Flutes With A Brick" will become "Plutonium Falling Down Stairs While Archimedes Plutonium Hits Some Plutonium With A Brick Of Plutonium". > Before leaving the Univ of Chicago, I want to add that my > father and I visited this campus circa 1971. A visit designed > to see the bookstore and buy a book. ARCHIE DESIGNED HIS VISIT... TO THE BOOKSTORE... TO BUY... A BOOK? GENIUS!!!! > And I rather embarrassed my father *BOOM*! The Obvious Bag goes up in a nuclear explosion as trillions of dancing bears pop out carrying green and purple banners which say "'I rather embarassed my father' -- Archimedes Plutonium" and God makes confetti fall from the sky. > because I wore a respirator for the air pollution for much of the > time here in Chicago in 1971. > My anti-air-pollution campaign has significantly toned down > since the 1970s and can even say that Chicago has nowhere > the problem that LA has. Because Chicago gets enough wind ...Obvious Bag yadda yadda... boom. > and rain to sort of flush out the poisonous bad air frequently. > But that Chicago still has too much air pollution for me to > want to live here permanently. Nobody lives anywhere permanently. Until after they're dead. Life is short but death is forever. With that in mind, I'd be quite happy if you went to Chicago permanently. -- K. Or you could go to wherever W.C. Fields is, and they'd have to change his tombstone to say "I'd rather have HIM be in Philadelphia." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.accelerators,sci.physics.electromag,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: movie AP's SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY; Fermi pile at Univ Chicago Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 10:23:01 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for everyone's favorite game show, "IS ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM SMARTER THAN A SQUIRREL?" On the left, Archimedes Plutonium. On the right, an ordinary verminous squirrel. Tonight we'll see which will be the first to figure out whether this indoor palm tree in Chicago is real or fake! Ready... set... go! Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I stopped into the 311 S. Wacker skyscraper and tried to > make out whether the palm trees were real or plastic fakes and > wonder how long a squirrel would require to find out if a tree > were real or a plastic fake. Bzzzt! Archie has stopped trying to figure it out and is cheating by watching the squirrel actually figuring it out! It took the squirrel 1.1 seconds and Archimedes Plutonium has been disqualified for trying to cheat off a squirrel! THE SQUIRREL WINS! -- K. When it comes to Archie, squirrels always win! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Story (newish): I'M WITH STUPID Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3196 centons, 99 microns, 0.04 bozons Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1999 10:37:50 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I wrote this two and a third years ago and never did anything with it except submit it to some syndicate that didn't like it, unless I didn't even bother submitting it, I don't remember. //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// I'M WITH STUPID by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 1997 James "Kibo" Parry It was strapping tape, hundreds of yards of it, the kind with the dozen parallel fiberglass threads that made it stronger than steel. And Albert Einstein had accidentally wrapped his entire body in it! His dog, Spot, tugged on one end with his teeth. "Professor, how the heck did you get this much tape on your body? And you'd better be wearing something underneath!" Spot ran in circles around the great scientist, ripping foot after foot off Einstein's legs. Einstein took a while to answer. "I was, um, doing this experiment... a real physics experiment, not something sleazy... on something that had no involvement with any sort of tape. Then this flock of ducks came in and wrapped me in duck tape." He seemed satisfied with this pathetic lie, but Spot shook his head sadly. Even he, a mere puppy, knew the difference between strapping tape, duct tape, and duck tape. "Arf! Arf!" yapped Spot as he tore the last bits of tape from Einstein's hair, what was left of it. The tape fell to the floor, revealing that he was clad only in his "I'M WITH STUPID" t-shirt and Scooby-Doo Underoos. Spot knew the signs well: Einstein was having another one of his episodes, and was about to run through the streets raving like a madman. "One," said Spot to himself. It always happened on four. "Two..." "Three..." Einstein started twirling around, flapping his arms. "Look at me! I'm Olive Oyl!" He ran out the door and tumbled down the stairs of his apartment building, shouting "Ohhhh, Popeye, HELLLLLLLP!" Spot trotted down the stairs, trailing tape from one of his paws. "Professor, you've got to remember to take your meds. This is almost as embarrassing as the time you invited Stephen Hawking and Benny Hill to the same party. Hey, what's the blue stuff?" Einstein was sitting in a circular puddle of bright blue fluid, radiating out from him uniformly, like gravity waves. Einstein looked at the puddle. It was fizzing. "Oh dear. I seem to have sprung a coolant leak. Error. Error. Errkzkzkzzzzz--" His head exploded. Vacuum tubes, relays, and differential integrator cams flew everywhere. Einstein was a robot, and not even a very good one! "HUH?" screamed Spot. This latest turn of events was too much for his tiny little brain to assimilate. Sure, he was a puppy who lived with Albert Einstein in the present day and Einstein was a raving lunatic. That was perfectly plausible. But for Einstein to be an android, that's the sort of thing that could just never happen! Spot put his paws over his eyes and wished that it would all go away. When he uncovered his eyes, Einstein was gone, as was the blue puddle! Spot ran up the stairs to Einstein's apartment, burst in the door, and-- --the dignified Nobel laureate was writing an equation on his blackboard, an equation so complex that it needed all six colors of chalk. "So sorry to trick you like that, little Spot," he said without looking up from his work, "but NASA said it was important that the robot Einstein be thoroughly tested before we sent it to Mars. If the robot could fool a confused little puppy, it could undoubtedly fool any strange and primitive alien life forms." Spot happily licked Einstein's shoe. "Oh, Professor, I'm so glad you're not really a robot with an exploding head." Einstein tried to shoo Spot from his shoe, and turned away from the blackboard. Spot screamed. Einstein was wearing an "I'M WITH A ROBOT" t-shirt, and the arrow was pointing at... Spot! "No! No! No!" wailed the puppy, running in circles in terror, caroming of random pieces of furniture in Einstein's living-room lab. He wasn't a robot! He was a real live puppy! Einstein frowned. "Looks like you're malfunctioning, Spot. I'd better reset your central processor." He lunged for Spot, who dived under the waterbed. Einstein grabbed a broom and began to poke the handle at him. "Come out, little puppy! I only want to help you! You're obviously suffering from a virus you got from your Web browser!" Spot began to cry blue tears. "I'm not a robot I'm not I'm not waaaaaaaaaah!" Sparks shot from his ears, blowing a hole in the underside of the waterbed. H2O deluged him, shorting out every circuit in his body. Spot lost consciousness as his head exploded. In a typically cinematic gesture, Einstein swept everything off his workbench, sending his incomplete SeaQuest model crashing to the floor. He gingerly placed Spot's charred and fragmented body on the workbench and began the process of rebuilding the robotic puppy. After several hours of delicate microsurgery, Spot was almost operational, except that his head wasn't yet reattached. "Arf!" yapped the head. Einstein patted it and Spot's leg rotated. Einstein made a mental note to fix that. "Well, Spot, we've tried programming you to think that I'm a robot... that I'm not a robot... that you're a robot... and that you're not a robot. There's only one stage left." The head looked up at him. "What's left, Professor?" "Spot, from now on, you're going to think you're me." He glued a little fright wig and mustache on the dog's head and then snapped it into place. "Energy equals mass times the square of the speed of light!" shouted Spot. "Hey, who are you?" "I'm your creator, Albert Einstein." "You can't be, I'm Albert Einstein!" "Are not!" "Am too! YAP! YAP! YAP!" Spot tried to bite Einstein, who hid under the drained waterbed. Spot grabbed the broom and poked the professor. "Ow! Stop it! Okay, I admit it, you're Albert Einstein. I guess I'm a stupid puppy named Spot." "That's better," said Spot, "I'm glad you realize that I'm Albert Einstein. Hey, wait a minute! I've got a mustache! I never had one before. What would people say if Albert Einstein suddenly had a mustache?" Spot ran into the bathroom and smeared shaving cream all over his face, but when he picked up the razor it slipped out of his paw and landed in the toilet. "Waah! My razor! Now I'll have to go give my lecture on high-energy particle physics with a STUPID MUSTACHE!" Spot ran out the door in tears, which disappeared into the globs of shaving cream on his face. In the lobby of the apartment building, he met respected psychiatrist Dr. Joyce Brothers. "Eek. A mad dog," she said emotionlessly when she saw the menthol foam-covered puppy. Spot smiled, making shaving cream drip on her shoes. "I'm not a dog. I'm the greatest scientist who ever lived, Albert Einstein." He wagged his tail to show her that he was a good Einstein, yes he wuzzy-wuzzy. She sprayed him with Mace. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! THAT HURTS MY EYES WORSE THAN THE SHAVING CREAM!" While Spot cried and cried (that's the most complex coping strategy he knew: to cry AND cry) Dr. Joyce ran off to the airport to visit several TV talk shows, telling everyone in the world that Albert Einstein was rabid. His Nobel Prize was rescinded. His picture was taken off the one-dollar bill. (If you don't believe me, check your wallet, he's not there.) Einstein's career was ruined! But at least it was now proven that the robot Spot could deal with any situation, including an irate Dr. Joyce Brothers. After reprogramming Spot to think he was himself again, Einstein launched him towards Mars in a rocket just his size. It had room for Spot, his doggie bed, his doggie dish, and his doggie bag, which contained all the food he would need for the six-month voyage. Of course, moments after launch, he had eaten it all. "Hello, Mission Control, oooooo, I don't feel so good," whined Spot. He had eaten all the jars of Fishlets and all the packets of Sixlets and they were sedimenting in his stomach. His stomach was so bloated that the electrodes attached to it (for medical monitoring) popped off. He stuck them back on, a little bit lower and off-center. "Spot, this is Capcom at Houston. According to our medi