Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.sugar-cereals From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: They're still working on ruining Froot Loops! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 25 Oct 1999 23:04:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > > > Richard S. Holmes (rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu) wrote: > > > > > > > > I've been away a while, so someone will have to tell me: What happened > > > > to Terri's 11-barrel shotgun? > > > > > > I'm terribly sorry; Harlan buried all my ammo somewhere in the backyard. > > > Something about making a bunny mine field. > > > > Harlan's got the right idea. Mimes are bad enough, but bunny mimes are > > just downright silly. They're always eating invisible carrots, getting > > trapped inside invisible boxes, and hopping against the wind. Also, I > > understand they doot like crazy. > > Amazing the NASA safety films we were required to watch for a hour > had no mention of avoiding bunny mimes, although they did warn us > to stay away from speeding forklifts. For those of you just joining us, Harlan Ellison's a dog. Also, Robert Lindsay works at NASA, except for the two capital letters of his name that work at nasa, and nobody likes mimes. Mr. Lowercase Lindsay, just out of curiosity, why does NASA still insist on covering up those old Beta videocassettes that show the crew of Apollo 13 shouting "HOUSTON! WE'RE SURROUNDED BY KILLER FORKLIFTS, BUNNY MIMES, AND HARLAN ELLISON'S CRAZY DOOTS!"? I will stop sending in pledge money to PBS, which operates NASA, until you explain to me WHY NO VIDEOTAPES EXIST OF ASTRONAUTS FIGHTING FORKLIFTS IN OUTER SPACE! -- K. It doesn't count if they're just fighting forklifts in their pajamas. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.fan.tom-servo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Officer Don vs Newman User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:16:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Captain Infinity (Infinity@world.com) wrote: > > In alt.tv.3rd-rock, Bradley Whitmarsh wrote: > > > > Captain Infinity (Cool name, BTW) > > Thanks. TAKE *THAT*, SIMON CLARK, YOU BIG MEANIE! Hey, look, Cap'n, someone likes your name, Cap'n! Cap'n Cap'n Cap'n! > > wrote: > > > WINNER: OFFICER DON > > > > Cool post! I enjoyed that. Although, I noticed that it was > > cross-posted to several other newsgroups. Does anyone know what > > kibology or Tom Servo are? :-) Inspiring minds want to know. :-) > > Kibology is what you get inside your skull when you mix silly putty with > the white paste from third grade art class, and then snort it up your > nose, where it dances happily with your cerebellum and makes the world > appear all sparkly like the dust from Mike Jittlov's fingertips. Except for the Toys R Us Barbie aisle. It just makes the Barbie aisle look even pinker. I mean it makes it look pinker in a WORSE way. > Tom Servo is a little bit like that, except there's a few boogers up your > nose which turns the mix bilious grellow, making it sting like honeybees > that have had too much tequila.<--this is not a bad thing, just different. > > HTH! HAND! > > ** > Captain Infinity I am trying to figure out where the other end of your two-asterisk footnote is. But I can't find the other end. I think your two asterisks aren't really doing much of anything. Hey, I know what they are. They're a picture of Barry Shein without his glasses, right? -- K. I would assume asterisks are held together with Torx screws. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Last HallowE'en' of the Century! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:16:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Darla (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > > > ...and it's the end of civilization as we know it. > > > > From CNN: > > > > "...And, little boys take note, Monster Mouth Candy Tongues will > > gross out the whole neighborhood. This crossover toy/candy is a > > toothy plastic monster mouth with a retractable tongue-shaped > > lollipop. It's 'a toy they can play with after the candy's gone,' > > says Pratt at The Candy Warehouse." > > > > Say. Didn't Jar Jar start this?! Well, those candies had been around for a few years before the Jar Jar one showed up six months ago. You may recall I may have written one or two short articles on the subject, especially that twenty-seventh one which spent 600 lines describing in graphical detail what they did to the bottom half of me in the hospital afterwards. (I was going to describe in REGULAR detail, but I figured I should describe it in graphical detail so you could see what the words were shaped like. I think they had serifs.) > It's good to see that CNN is still doing the cutting-edge > hard-hitting news stories of vital interest to world > affairs. I wonder what CRAP BBC World News is showing? No, the Jar Jar Monster Mouth Candy Tongue Pop *prevents* crap. For several days. Of course, not even Krakatoa could hold it in longer than that. I think it might be safe to try to use that bathroom again now, maybe I'll take down the barricade tape. > Probably some STUPID WAR somewhere that America is NOT > EVEN INVOLVED IN, or some STUPID PEOPLE somewhere in > some STUPID COUNTRY that DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HALLOWEEN! Because The Halloween Grinch stole it! And remember, Hallmark made up Valentine's Day but the Jar Jar Monster Mouth Candy Tongue people made up Halloween. Or maybe it was made up by a cabal of gastroenterologists. > Oh yeah. And just in case that Millenium Loony Chris > Franks is reading this and shouting about the last > Halloween of the Century, I would like to point out > that it is also The Last Halloween Of The Millenium! Yeah, but so are all the others. Such as 964 to 1963. -- K. The train has now been sitting in Albany for about 90 minutes and this laptop computer is way too hot where it touches my special area! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.warlord From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Oh thank god... User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:16:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In rec.sport.pro-wrestling and alt.religion.kibology, Tehawk (tehawk@att.net) wrote: > > "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > [stuff] > > Shows where your mind was at, but why was this crossposted to > alt.religion.kibology? What is kibology? > > Tehawk ©1999 > RSPWECW Softcore Champion > The Franchise of RSPW > ICQ #4610826 > > Community Leader and Founder of Starbase 7 > Located at The Globe > > http://members.theglobe.com/tehawk/ > http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Station/4693/ > http://www.fortunecity.com/tattooine/lucas/209/index.html > http://members.xoom.com/Tehawk > > Heaven Doesn't Want Me And Hell's Afraid I'll Take Over. I just realized my 1000-line .signature doesn't have a single URL in it because I wrote it before anyone knew what the Web was except for a few people living in Switzerland and even they had to access it through these primitive mechanical computers that had little spoons and lemon zesters you could unfold from the disk drive slots. So, for the first time since 1992, I suddenly feel the need to revise my super-huge Big Ugly Sexy .Signature to show these young whippersnappers a thing or two about how to write a proper huge .sig. -- K. Also I need to throw in a few non-ASCII characters like "©" or those ones that make your terminal switch into the font used only for printing Pac-Man mazes. P.S. I know, I forgot to answer the question "What is Kibology?" In 1991. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shooting themselves in the foot User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:16:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > I received my membership card in the mail today from "The Pennsylvania > Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals" I found something > slightly inappropriate printed on the back. Here`s what it says: > > Extract from Society`s Charter > ====================== > Laws of Pennsylvania > > TO POLICE OFFICERS > Sec. 4- The police force of the City of Philadelphia, as well as of all > other places in the State of Pennsylvania where police organizations > exist, shall as occasion may require, assist the Society, its members or > agents, in the enforcement of all laws which are now or may hereafter be > enacted for the protection of dumb animals. > --------------------------------- > > Dumb Animals? I know my dog isn`t going to cure cancer or anything, but > they don`t have to call him dumb! Dear Mr. Family, I like how several people have now pointed out to you that you must be a bozo because EVERYONE knows that "dumb" means "mute" but nobody but me is WRITING THEIR CONGRESSMAN BECAUSE I KNOW THAT TALKING ANIMALS NEED JUST AS MUCH PROTECTION AS THE REGULAR KIND THAT CAN'T FINK ON YOU TO THE FBI! Whoops, I said "FBI" on the Internet. Is that illegal? I hope it isn't because my cat says it all the time. -- K. "The cafŽ seating area is not for permanent seating." -- Amtrak telling me I shouldn't order cable television service and I may eventually have to get off the train. Especially if it ever arrives somewhere. The Lake Shore Limited is a DUMB train, despite the fact that it just told me not to use the cafŽ car permanently. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shooting themselves in the foot Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 23:50:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > So did anyone else notice that today's (10/27/99) Ziggy comic strip had > Ziggy's parrot listening to a cell phone where the party on the other end > of the line was saying: "BEEBLE! BEEBLE!" You see, the joke is that if a parrot had a mobile phone, he would only talk to people who can't spell. > This is certainly a significant development warranting further attention. The fact that I was able to find a "joke" when describing a "Ziggy" is in and of itself a frightening development. I suppose the next sign of the apocalypse will be when I can find where the joke is supposed to be in "Fred Basset". My idea of the canonical "Fred Basset": 1.) Fred Basset is walking to the right past a fire hydrant. 2.) Fred Basset is still walking to the right past the fire hydrant. 3.) Fred Basset is still walking to the right past the fire hydrant. 4.) Fred Basset says "I hate Mondays." Of course, "Ziggy" is a one-panel strip and so brevity is the soul of wit: 1.) Ziggy says to the reader, "I wish I could die." You gotta wonder why humor can be divided up into "Funny Ha-Ha" (sitcoms), "Funny Strange" (alt.religion.kibology), and "Funny Sad" ("Ziggy"). -- K. Then little Billy runs around in a noose-shaped pattern and Ziggy hangs himself with the dashed line that came out of little Billy's butt. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I R USING INTERNET???/? User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:16:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Mr. Hole" (holefamily1@webtv.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup [...] > > NO! Don`t consume "Cambell`s Chicken Noodle Soup" the stuff`s loaded > with sodium. You`ll doom yourself to an eternity of torment unknown > since Sisyphus` time. I swear that the first time I read this it said "...you'll doom yourself to an eternity of syphilis" and I was going to write back that that was just the kind with the spiral noodles, but I can't make fun of the way some STUPID microbes are shaped because it doesn't really say that, so I'll just make fun of the way all your apostrophes are falling over to the left, but I'll be too kind to reach into The Obvious Bag for something about your first initial. -- K. Print out this article which describes how to identify syphilis bacteria and sneak it into your next microbiology exam if you enjoy spirocheats. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I R USING INTERNET???/? User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:16:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > > > Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > > > > > Southwestern Bell is offering an "Email Without Computers" > > > toy. It's sort of like my Tandy laptop (which weighs about 20 > > > pounds and has a 10" old, old, old LCD screen), but smaller and > > > presumably lighter. > > > > But is it Tandier? Tandy Tomputers... endorsed by Allen Tunt! SORRY! SORRY! PUT THAT BACK IN THE "NATIONAL LAMPOON CIRCA 1983" BAG, TIE IT UP, AND SPANK IT! > > Also, does anyone know if pine has been ported to GameBoy Color yet? > > And if it has, does it have pikachu colored smileys? Not colored, but FLAVORED. On this train trip, I'm fighting (and losing) to amuse myself by reading alt.religion.kibology on my uncomfortably warm laptop, which is sitting on my uncomfortably warm lap top. I'm struggling with a newsreader program I don't really like -- it can let me wade through the past week's articles offline (unlike my usual choices of newsreaders) and has a few other nice features, but it likes to open windows at random widths that might be more or less than 80 columns depending on whether the last thing anyone said was a vowel or a consonant, or something like that. It has one of those "tree-style" displays of the article's genealogy at the top (much like trn does) showing me that I AM HERE, and LOWERCASE ROBERT LINDSAY WAS IN THE PAST, and CHRIS COSTELLO WAS BACK IN CAVEMAN DAYS. I spent a few minutes trying to figure out how to make the little round dot which is me (my computer is so smart that from its point of view I'm just a dot) move up and down the branches of the tree. In trn I use the arrow keys and it goes up, down, left, and right if I press the up, down, left, and right keys (in that order.) But here the left and right keys move it left and right and the up and down keys didn't do anything. Then I realized it wanted me to take my little pointy arrow and clicky on the little dotty. So, this is what you get if you try to make trn's little tree into a Mac program, because everyone knows Macs don't have keyboards. I think your question about turning pine into a GameBoy Color cartridge has been answered. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm done and now I've got to go post this article by clicking on the little flying envelope icon at the top. Wait, that changes it to "never send this article". Okay, then I'll try clicking the "Options..." button. It must be powerful because it has three dots which means it asks you questions when you click on it unlike a plain "Options" button would. Nope, "Options..." just asks me where my tabs were supposed to be and how many columns of your article it should let me quote before the lines get mangled (nobody ever says anything important in those eight columns on the right, right?) So, the "Post" command must be hidden in this thing at the left that says "Followup (public)" next to a little Cylon Base Star icon. But wait, that can't do anything when I click it because it doesn't say "..." as every Macintosh program is REQUIRED BY LAW to say after anything that you can do stuff with. And all it lets me do is change this from an alt.religion.kibology article to unsolicited E-mail. So I guess I can never post this article because they forgot to put in a "Post" button. I'll just have to close this window and throw this article away. Oh, closing the window tells it I want to keep it. I'll never understand easy-to-use software. -- K. (I gotta put Linux on one of the spare partitions, I could be doing this with real trn...) Why is the train honking its horn constantly, especially as there is only one track between New York and Boston? Are they telling the other trains to get out of our way by derailing? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Need review!! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:16:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Heidel's Rule of Internet metalaws: > All commonly accepted laws of Usenet logic are rendered humorless by > self-reference. > -- dheidel@u.washington.edu Kibo's Law of Humorlessness: This isn't funny. -- kibo@world.std.com > [...] > > All we need is a new Lee Bumgarner! Isn't that supposed to happen after the angels open the seventh vial and the four horsemen (Pokemon, WebTV, Y2K, and Bob Hope) rain death, destruction, and general deleteriousness on the Earth? -- K. I have the only seat on the train that doesn't have a window so I can't see 250 miles of dead trees whizzing past in a very slow blur. I demand a partial refund, my ticket didn't say "OCCLUDED UNINTERESTING VIEW." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Need review!! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "ZnU" (znu@znu.dhs.org) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > Kibo, > > Please post your review of the revealing, truthful and fabulously > > gospel-ridden movie "The Omega Code". > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > Of course, IWPTA "The Orange Cone". [THX logo that goes "drip, drip" for five minutes] a movie by James "Kibo" Parry [the camera zooms into the dot on the "i" and then it explodes. The camera, that is.] THE ORANGE CONE EPISODE ONE -- THE INCREDIBLY AWESOME MENACE [an army of evil Nazis carrying flags with the word "NAZI" printed on them in block letters, instead of swastikas, is marching towards the American/Canadian border from the north as they prepare to invade the United States.] NAZIS: We are the Nazis, la-la-la, we are the Nazis... HITLER (bad French accent): Zees eez zee bordair, no? NAZI GUY: Oui! HITLER: Zen wee weel cross zee bordair, yes? NAZI GUY: Oui! HITLER: Mon dieu! Mira mira mira! It ees an or-onj cone! NAZI GUY: Sacre blow! [They turn and run away. Roll closing credits.] -- K. I wanted to add an opening sequence where an animated map showed the progress of the invaders, but I couldn't afford to hire Jim Fisk to draw the squiggle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mr. Blackwell sez... User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > [SWOOSH! Super New NASA Brand Left-Handed-Skyhook-Propelled Kontext-Away swoops down and scalps Dean's article, spits out the seeds, and leaves only the nougaty goodness at the center!] > I almost lost something myself tonight. Urp! Maybe you wouldn't still be a virgin if you'd stop burping after not having sex. [WOMP WOMP! NASA Kontext-Away is launched towards Mars, meaning that we will never hear from it again!] -- K. Actually, some NASA employees do get to have sex. Or at least they did back when we had Skylab. NOW WE KNOW THE REAL REASON THEY'RE BUILDING A NEW SPACE STATION! ONE ROLL IN THE FLOATING HAY ISN'T ENOUGH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: proof that you are all vegetarians User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Clement Cherlin (ccherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > "Mr Knowitall" (mrknowitall@geocities.com) wrote: > > > > You are what you eat? If you break it down to basic elements, yes. > > Mmm... decompressed monoblock. I think Taco Bell uses JPEG to compress their Animal 57s instead of a lossless format like PGP or IKEA. -- K. Which elements aren't basic? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Masons and Zionists are at it again! (and Jean Micheal Jarre is User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re a highway sign] "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@news.abo.fi) wrote: > [ZOWIE! Super Kontext-Away crushes context until it turns into a professionally-cut diamond, then hands it to its platonic friend Lois Lane!] > A friend of mine saw one of those signs once when was visiting the US. [KA-POK! New And Improved Duper Deluxe Pro Junior Kontext-Away returns to its plastic tray and stores itself neatly in your silverware drawer, after accidentally destroying your silverware!] Dear Dag, Please stop trying to pretend you're friends with Archimedes Plutonium. While it is true that he recently told us he saw a bridge, he has not yet announced that he has seen any signs while travelling around the United States. It would be more beleivible if you'd wait for him to notice one of the "NO BOZOS ALOUD" signs before you try to become his new best friend now that me'n'him no longer like each other much. Also, "when was" is two words which don't stick together, so please learn to speak better American like "me'n'him" and "beleivible". -- K. Also, how do I say in Finnish, "How do I say in Finnish?" P.S. I introduce mistakes into certain articles solely so we can have a higher degree of heteroskedasticity because alt.religion.kibology already has too much of the GAY kind of skedasticity. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Masons and Zionists are at it again! (and Jean Micheal Jarre is in on it!) User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re weird conspiracies about Masons building Jewish pyramids in Egypt, or something] Sean Curtin (masscurt@berkshire.net) wrote: > > Reverend Sean O'Hara (oharava@rcn.com) wrote: > > > > Well, the other day, I was going to the grocery > > store when I noticed a sign for the programme, identifying the street > > next to my house as being adopted by "The Order of Molay". > ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > > IWPTA "The Oil of Olay". One's a spicy chocolate sauce. The other's a placebo! Together, they're a wacky crime-fighting age-defying Mexican taste treat! I know what the real ingredients of molŽ are (chile pepper, bread crumbs, oil, more chile pepper, Hershey's syrup) but I wonder what Oil of Olay really is. I bet it's really JUST SOME SORT OF OIL! -- K. My money's on it being goat ghee. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adult bookstores are... User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > ADULT BOOKSTORES ARE FILLED WITH INVISIBLE POSION GAS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Dude, I don't care how many new ad campaigns you think up for your Blockbuster store, I'm still not going there until you apologize for not carrying Terry Gilliam movies except for the bad ones. David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > ADULT BOOKSTORES ARE FILLED WITH INVISIBLE POSION GAS! > > Yeah! It makes you pos! And then ionizes you! So you stand there, > sparking Vogueishly! This is the word Tom Swift porno novel ever. -- K. ...he said frigidly, as he took off his clothes aboard Tom Swift's flying refrigerator. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re ancient computer games and secret military space shuttles, which are really the same thing] "Eddie Hi There! Lowther" (eal34@columbia.edu) wrote: > > The only problem is the below sector-map, which I > cannot plot out because I put a pop-tart in a disk-drive. Oopsie! > > SECTOR 0-0-1 || Mps:03 || Gld:73 || Inc: Off || Shlds=45%,Phz=50%,Ph=8 > ...***.*..........X > ............... ... > ........*..(*)..... > ..(*)............ . > ................. . > .*.................. > ......[(1)]......... > .................... > ..........ERTH......... > ..........ERTH......... > ....SUN..........MOO... > > (Of course, this is from memeory, someone else has the ACTUAL > printout on a blackboard. This reminds me, I need to post the results of the "Think Like Manley Hubbell" contest. Unfortunately, I don't have them with me right now. I do have all the entries from the "Send Kibo An Orange Cone Photo He Likes" contest in this portable computer, except my batteries are pretty low right now, and as you may be able to tell from the other 100 article I've written today on this train I'm not up to writing anything entertaining. -- K. I did find a dollar earlier, though. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chris Hillman Boy Genius! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [thanks to Simon Clark for finding this quotable quote] In sci.physics, Aleksandr Timofeev (twa@alpha.dnttm.rssi.ru) wrote: > > The mathematicians nothing understand in a physics. PAW, YAKOV SMIRNOFF DONE GOT INTO THE PLUTONIUM AY-GAIN! -- K. Russia has E-mail addresses with three dots in them now? They must've gotten themselves a second computer! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: All New! All Animals! All The Time! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Darla (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > > > Reilly's new and expanded site, now with More Dogz and some Catz too! > > And don't forget the rotating deceased HAMSTER!!! Excuse me, I think you put an extra "a" in the middle of that sentence. Maybe you can sell it off with that extra "b" you'll have when you hold your next garbage sale. > PS I'M STILL DISSING W.C. HANDY!!! <--- ME STILL DISSING W.C. HANDY!!! > > PPS HANDY W.C. HAW HAW!!! A KOMEDY SCETKH WRITTEN BY W.C. HANDY OLD GUY WITH BIG HAT AND RED NOSE (driving a car in front of a rear-projected image) Ah yes! The very thang! CAT PUPPET Meow! OLD GUY Toonces! Here, take the wheel while I take a li'l nip! CAT PUPPET Meow! OLD GUY Toonces! Look out! YAAAAAAAAAAGHBURP! NARRATOR So you see, wood shop prepares today's modern boys for tomorrow's world of today! -- K. I think that last line may have pushed this past the McIrvin Limit of today. It's the McIrvin Limit of Tomorrow! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Here we go again... User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > http://www.seattletimes.com/news/lifestyles/html98/diet_19991020.html Excuse me, you misspelled http:////www.seattleletimeseattle/news/non-news/life/styles/html98/non-html/not-1998/diet_19991020_this_date_is_Y20000000_compliant/html37Celsius/date_19991020_this_diet_is_Y2K_compliant_if_you_confuse_calories_with_celsius_and_celery_with_cesium.html/html /.html.//.html.gif > "The story of dieting in America reflects something about our national > character. Inside every sucker is an optimist, a person who believes in > redemption. Maybe eating nothing but tropical fruit for five days will > start you on the road to bikini-land! We believe in reinvention and self- > determination. All it takes is willpower. Right? " > > I hate this sort of 'journalism'. You think you hate it? I'm sitting in a train that's sitting in Albany and it's going to be sitting in Albany for another hour and they're not even going to give me a lousy TV dinner on this trip and there's no glossy Amtrak magazine or Amtrak Lake Shore Extremely Limited route guide and all I have here to read is YOU PEOPLE! But I wouldn't trade you people for anything. I love it when you hate anything that isn't me. Unless I'm doing that sort of journalism right now. Which I think I might be doing because I have time to kill. It's the hip new diet that's hot in all the heppest of the hopping social circles! Out with the old, in with the black pepper cheesecake diet! But could this ever possibly work? It seems like it doesn't, and all the evidence agrees, but it still works anyway! Or so the "conventional" "wisdom" goes. Which is hardly even "conventional" or "wisdom", if you pardon my "French". But that doesn't matter to Mr. and Mrs. America! We're dumb and we love diets, especially ones that taste so good they can't be good for us! But is it possible to be too healthy? Many magazine writers would agree! We'll tell you what they agreed on, right after this! Whoops, sorry, I turned into the Ten O'Clock News at the end there. You know, that hour-long newscast which contains less news than the half-hour newscast which follows it on a different channel which has actual money. HEY SOME TV CHANNELS HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY! SOMEONE SHOULD DO A NEWS STORY ABOUT THAT! I SENSE A "TV GUIDE" REPORTER RACING TOWARDS HIS IBM SELECTRIC! -- K. "Selectric" is one of those silly made-up words like Amtrak's new "Acela" service. "Acela"'s a goofy made-up name and Amtrak's never had one of those before. P.S. While I was typing the above, someone whacked my computer with her roller skates. And they were that weird new kind where the wheels are in pairs at the front and back, not in a row. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Here we go again... User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > I hate this sort of 'journalism'. > > At least she actually read some of those quack diet books and described > them before getting into the really serious editorial thumb-sucking. That's the cool new diet! You don't get many calories but you do get to experience the taste of meat! Unless your thumb has nail polish all over it. In which case it's more like hard candy. > But, yeah, it's annoying. No, I said it was more like hard candy. Pay attention! > Of course, some of my posts to Usenet strongly resemble these superficial > deep-think pieces in newspapers, but at least I don't get paid for it and > nobody thinks I'm some sort of authority. I think you are the New Jersey Turnpike Authority. > OR DO THEY???? I get a lot of e-mail from people who think that I'm an > academic expert on the writings of Stanislaw Lem, because I put up a > fan-boy web page about him. I occasionally hear from working physicists > who think that I actually know something about general relativity beyond > the introductory graduate course I took (in which I once got an A for an > incorrect proof of a theorem I had misunderstood), because I blabber about > black holes a lot in the sci.physics hierarchy. > > I am terrified by my cultural resonance! I am deeply chastened and have > decided to quit Usenet forever, again! > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello again! Boy, that forever was even longer than the other one! Dear Matt McIrvin, That was the best self-parody you've ever written... ...as Lee Bumgarner. THERE WAS WHITESPACE ABOVE! -- K. AND AN ESPRESSO BAR BELOW! I think it's the one Davy Crockett killed in that tree. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Here we go again... User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:17:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I am terrified by my cultural resonance! I am deeply chastened and have > > decided to quit Usenet forever, again! > > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural > resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural > resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > cultural resonance! c u l t u r a l r e s o n a n c e! c u > l t u r a l r e s o n a n c e ! c u l t u > r a l r e s o n a n c e ! c u > l t u r a l r e s o n a n c > e ! ccuullttuurraall rreessoonnaannccee!! > cccuuullltttuuurrraaalll rrreeesssooonnnaaannnccceee!!!! > ccccuuuuullllttttuuuuurrrraaaallll rrrreeeessssoooonnnncccceeee!!!! > > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > > cultur** reson*nce* ecc lturaa** res*n**ea! clle !!ecnanoser **rutlu* > > !ecnanoser larutluc !ecnanoser larutluc !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance! > !ecnanoser larutluc !ecnanoser larutluc !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! cultural resonance! cultural resonance!!ecnanoser > larutlucultural resonance!ecnanoser larutlultural resonancnanoser > larutltural resonoser larural reser lal rr c > cc > culttluc > culturaarutluc > cultural rr larutluc > cultural resooser larutluc > cultural resonannanoser larutluc > cultural resonance!!ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance!!ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance!!ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance!!ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance!!ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance! !ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonance!!ecnanoser larutluc > cultural resonannanoser larutluc > cultural resooser larutluc > cultural rr larutluc > culturaarutluc > culttluc > cc > * > * > ' > ' > . > > . > > > > . > > > > > Chomsky. Dear Chomsky, Please stop mailing Philip Glass scores to Helen Keller. Did your pal Tennessee put you up to this, or was it Mr. Whoopee? HA! I WENT FROM HELEN KELLER TO DON ADAMS BY WAY OF YOUR WACKY ZIGZAG! -- K. Why don't comedians do Helen Keller jokes any more? Did they suddenly become not tasteless? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Semantics STILL sux! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:18:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Actually if I had a roommate, I would enforce proper pronunciation > of Kibo at all times, with probably greater seriousness than payment > of their half of the rent. > > THAT is why I don't have a roommate. And THAT is why I'm going to stop making fun of your inflatable chair behind your back now, Nick. Which one did you have again, the South Park one or the Blue's Clues one? > I have met two female Kibologists, and neither of them seemed to have > any desire to pronounce Kibo the way he does. I pronounce the three of you married. IT'S A WACKY SITCOM WHEN THE Y2K BUG CAUSES A GUY GETS MARRIED TO TWO WOMEN WHO CAN'T PRONOUNCE CERTAIN WORDS! WATCH "ME, HER, HER TOO, PLUS A CHIMP WITH GRANDPA" TONIGHT ON FOX! > Furthermore, I have talked to Kibo on the phone but, having never said > his name aloud before, I was afraid to use it EVEN THOUGH I KNEW EXATLY > HOW IT WAS PRONOUNCED. It was because I had NEVER SAID IT BEFORE. ...and THAT is why you don't have a roommate. > But you and Stacia in your little dysfunctional household you have there, > you can call him Gobo the Lord of Kobol for all I care. Ah, yes, Kobol, the ancient computer language used for all the computer displays in "Battlestar Galactica" (equipment courtesy Tektronix, whose old logo wasn't nearly as coos as the old Plessy-Ferguson logo.) I do not speak Kobol, for I am of Cylon heritage, but I wrote the following BASIC program today, and it already passed the Turing test: 10 REM THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL 20 FOR X = 1 TO 100000000000 STEP 0.0000000001 30 INPUT A$ 40 PRINT "SO WHAT?" 50 INPUT A$ 60 PRINT "NOBODY CARES!" 70 NEXT X I was going to translate it into Perl, but then I'd have to buy it braces. -- K. I just tried to go outside to investigate the rumors of a derailment that didn't happen. Can you tell this train is boring? (We've been sitting in Albany with no power for about 45 minutes so far while they try to figure out how to click the train cars together to make them stick.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.beable,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Handy Hint User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:18:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Are you always getting flat tyres and not noticing > until it's too late? Well that problem is a THING > OF THE PAST! Our scientists at Beable Labs have > THE SOLUTION! > > Always fill your tyres with deadly poisonous nerve gas. > That way, if you get a puncture or a leak, you will > quickly be able to tell because of all the dead people > lying around your leaky tyre! > > I hope that helps! > > cheers > beable van polasm > President > Beable Industries > Remember: Beable Industries! For ALL your Nerve Gas Needs! Not ALL of them. For instance, you don't have that soft and cushy kind made from sponge rubber. You know... Nerf Gas. OH NO! I JUST OPENED THE OBVIOUS BAG AND IT WAS FILLED WITH NERVE GAS! THE GAS MADE OF NERVES! It looks sort of like a spiderweb with glowing dots walking around on it. Or is that the Internet? I forget. I just wish this train would start moving again so I could go to the bathroom without flushing the toilet on all those tourists standing around watching the two trains not docking. -- K. DO NOT OPEN NERVE GAS CANISTER WHEN TRAIN IS STANDING AT THE STATION. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Handy Hint Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 01:59:53 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "The MIGHTY TWIGGLES", of no fixed E-mail address, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > Remember: Beable Industries! For ALL your Nerve Gas Needs! > > > > Not ALL of them. For instance, you don't have that > > soft and cushy kind made from sponge rubber. > > You know... Nerf Gas. > > i just found out that tehre is IMITATION NERF. > like HYDROX NERF or something. > > http://www.poof-toys.com/ Yeah, I've encountered Poof toys before. I even have a nice photo of a particularly poofy "Poof" propaganda sign which I need to post on my Web site if I ever have time to update it. Some of those fake Nerf balls are faker than others. I've seen some that were kind of egg-shaped, and some that had the skin left on. (Real Nerf balls don't have skin except for the footballs and soccer balls.) There's a market for these no-brand foam balls because a real Nerf ball (one that's not shaped like any sort of sports ball, just a ball of foam) sells for SEVERAL DOLLARS for reasons I can't understand. The fakes sell for under a dollar even though they aren't necessarily as good. The standard skin-less Nerf ball has always puzzled me in terms of its manufacture. Somehow they peel the skin off after molding. If so, why is it so smooth? It's more as if it were lathed from a larger block of foam. But how does one cut sponge rubber? My current theory is that the foam was originally filled with ice and then they whittled it down and thawed it. Unless they use lasers, which I doubt they do because they were making these a few decades ago when strong lasers were uncommon in the toy business. I first asked this question on the Internet around 1991 or so and I'm still waiting for one of you people to get a job at Nerf Inc. to tell me their secret recipe. "I've been working on a new question: what happens when you barbecue a firm foam football ? I'm particularly interested in discovering the variation across brands, e.g. I have a Poof brand football, not a genuine Nerf ball." -- Lewis Stiller (May 1994) "...alt.sex.stories, the newsgroup that's slightly smarter than Nerf" -- Kibo (June 1993) > and they come with SMARTIES. > > u.s.a smarties that is, not the canadian chocolate kind. Smarties -- the American version -- are one of those candies that's available from many el-cheapo candy vendors (Sather's, Osco, Store 24, 7-Eleven, etc.) like Mary Janes and other brand name candies which nobody buys directly. In other words, you can get actual licensed Smarties brand candy in a bag that says "7-Eleven Smarties" on it. They're tiny (a roll of them weighs SEVEN GRAMS, or a quarter of an ounce) and have essentially no ingredients other than sugar, so they're probably the cheapest things they can give away -- I would estimate that the three rolls of Smarties tucked into the toy gun barrels (yes, that's how Poof packages them) cost them less than 5 cents, because I bought a bag of 32 rolls for a dollar and I'm sure they're getting them cheaper than I am (eliminating the middleman.) I was able to buy a bag of actual Smarties brand Smarties (which I've been saving in case Etienne Rouette comes to visit); I find it highly bozotic that Smarties are made in Canada despite the fact that in Canada, "Smarties" are a completely different candy (fake M&Ms.) Sugar Smarties come from "Ce De Candy Inc." in Ontario. (Note that the individual rolls just say "Smarties" so that 7-Eleven can repackage them. But the Ce De ones appear to be the one the others are reselling.) The package says "assorted flavors" but I think it's more like "assorted no flavor". Especially the white ones. I mean, I can barely tell the _colors_ apart, and if they won't spring for enough food coloring, they sure as heck won't buy any strawbana extract. -- K. Nerf is Fern spelled sideways! Hey, Matt Welsh, do you still have that roly-poly cat named Nerf because cats can't understand two-syllable words like "Tiddles"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Decent webcams User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:18:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "R#PtR" (peter_willard@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Etienne Rouette (erouette@infonet.ca) wrote: > > > > Dag ]gren FYSI a Žcrit: > > > > > > Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Click the link in my .sig, and look near the top of > > > > the page. > > > > > > YM Use your "mouse" to "click" on the "link" in my ".sig". > > > > > > Oh hell. Here comes another really annoying meme. > > > > It's annoying because you have to use the shift key a lot > > to write this: > > "mouse" to "click" on the "link" in my ".sig". > > > > Unless you start cutting and pasting, but that would be > > "cheating". > > Use your "mouse" to "click" on the "link" and don't "cheat" with > "keyboard" "shortcuts" when you "browse" the "internet" About ten minutes ago, I was just thinking that almost nobody has a .signature on alt.religion.kibology any more (except for Stacia and all the NASA people.) My early-1990s Huge Enormous Freakin' Long Evil .Sig (which broke Mike Jittlov's last three computers) has worked quite well to destroy all the brain cells the human race could ever use to think up new .sigs, so they're dying out (the .sigs, not the human race.) But now... HERE COMES A MEME. Hey! I like that meme -- "HERE COMES A MEME!" Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go dress up like a judge and yell "HERE COMES SAMMY DAVIS, JUNIOR!" and then the late Lucille Ball will have to dress up as Angela Lansbury and yell "HERE COMES A MAME!" and then I'll read through the list of 1,000 video games on Angela Lansbury's resume and write wacky riffs on each of their names and it'll get posted on The Official Mame Home Page and then I'll start getting bizarro mail from people who were born after Ronald Reagan's first term. You know, like this: -> Subject: This site sucks..... -> -> It is like some of your reviews of MAME games. Ê ASO,'99:last -> war..?? Ê ÊYou don't need the publicity so you ain't getting it -> !!! Ê goodbye Dave (continued below) Ê P.S. Try paying for -> theseÊgames and trying to beat hi-scores. My personal challenge -> to you is to get over 1,000,000 on 99: last war.Ê It is -> possible. just try it and then say it is useless. I have other -> challenges for you but you won't be up to them.. You only play -> the games for free and have had no practice during the 80's/90's.. -> You have no sense of value with these games asÊyou nowÊplay them -> for free. Please see my meaning and e-mail me. I will try to set -> you an easy challenge if you at least read what I say here. -> Agreed ?? Ê Ê Take care and good luck, Dave ...only without any line breaks. Damn, now I'm going to have to go to a different 14-year-old for all my publicity needs! -- K. I love it when I get a message which boils down to "I ARE FLAMING YOU. WUV!" ^ | P.S. HERE COMES A MEME! ---------------------------/ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quote of the day X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:23:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Think you're missing something? You're not, if you have me around!" Who said that? (A) Trend Forecaster Barbie(tm) (B) Computer-generated Bullwinkle talking to live-action Robert DeNiro (C) A talking roll of toilet paper that addressed me as "Conscientious Consumer" The correct answer is... (C). I made up (A) and (B). Obviously there is no such doll as Trend Forecaster Barbie, because who would be stupid enough to buy that? And I mean, it's ridiculous to think that anyone would believe that they would ruin "Rock & Bullwinkle" by putting Robert DeNiro in it without even computer-generating him. But (C) just went past on my TV. It was a roll of toilet paper with a female voice, and it read me its manifesto as it unrolled throughout a very large (and linear) home all by itself. (It's the toilet paper that's as smart as a toddler because it can unroll itself all over your floor!) -- K. I mean, come on, the idea that someone would do a COMPUTER-ANIMATED Bullwinkle is silly. Because there are no computers powerful enough to display a talking moose! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: What good is it... X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:41:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com What good is it if your offline newsreader lets you make a whole bunch of replies and then pretends you made them all simultaneously just to confuse everyone? ______________________________________________ \ | v James "Kibo" Parry Re: Officer Don vs Newman 10/26/99 8:16 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Last HallowE'en' of the Century! 10/26/99 8:16 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Oh thank god... 10/26/99 8:16 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Shooting themselves in the foot 10/26/99 8:16 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: I R USING INTERNET???/? 10/26/99 8:16 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: I R USING INTERNET???/? 10/26/99 8:16 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Need review!! 10/26/99 8:16 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Need review!! 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Mr. Blackwell sez... 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: proof that you are all vegetarians 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: The Masons and Zionists are at it 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: The Masons and Zionists are at it 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Adult bookstores are... 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: IMPORTANT ANNOUCEMENT 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Chris Hillman Boy Genius! 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: All New! All Animals! All The Time! 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Here we go again... 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Here we go again... 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Here we go again... 10/26/99 8:17 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Semantics STILL sux! 10/26/99 8:18 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Handy Hint 10/26/99 8:18 PM James "Kibo" Parry Re: Decent webcams 10/26/99 8:18 PM DON'T BE FOOLED! I can't really write quite that fast! Not without using lots of dirty words, anyway. So, I apologize if now you can't tell which articles were posted before which other articles because all dates were rounded off, then truncated, then thrown away and replaced with "8:16 to 8:18 PM". I mean, there was a STORY ARC in the articles I wrote on the train! (The order shown above is the order they're SUPPOSED to go in. My computer sent them out in the correct order, and so my news server received them in the correct order, but by the time they get to you they'll be in random order and it'll just look like I was travelling back and forth in time, and trust me, Amtrak trains do NOT make up lost time.) So, in truth, I posted those between 11:45 AM and 3:45 PM even though it's lying. -- K. And people wonder why I let it put in that header that says "Hey! Kibo hasn't registered this program he'll hopefully never use again!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Politics of Cheese X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 00:54:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [a tale from a six-dollar buffet] Michael "Jaffo" Duff (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > Okay, so I'm at this Mexican buffet... > > I get my plate and as I'm standing up from the table, I notice an apologetic > little card under the glass. It says, "Due to excessive waste of cheese, this > item has been removed from our buffet." Well, how did you see the card if they removed it from your buffet? Oh, you mean they removed the thing that DIDN'T HAVE CHEESE from the buffet! That's just wrong. Everything should be covered with heaping globs of NO CHEESE. Cheese is evil. Cheese is bad. Cheese is just plain wrong. VOTE FOR KIBO IN 2000 BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE CHEESE AND NEITHER DO YOU. -- K. I'm wondering what this item was that caused people to put lots of cheese on it, unlike any other items in cheap pseudo-Mexicali food. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Technical Errors In "The Flintstones". X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 01:00:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > > > I'm more curious as to where those glowing green things go after Homer > > Simpson throws them in the sewer grate. > > Down in a chute so they'll be ready for next week. Plutonium is EXPENSIVE! robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The moral is clear: WebTV is for people who think game shows are too hard. > > The correlary: Game shows are for people who think WebTV is too hard. The double super anti-contrapositive corrolary: Plutonium is for people who think electric dishwashers are too expensive, and WebTV should be thrown in the sewer grate. Hey, Lowercase Robert, I think Archie's having trouble finding enough public library computers to post about microwaved eggs from. Do you think you could let him use some of the computers there at NASA? I'm sure he wouldn't hurt anything, especially if you put him at the safest console of all, the range safety officer's console. -- K. Better yet, kick Laika out and put him in a sputnik. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Names that are worse than everything. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 01:27:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "BURLAX: THE WEARABLE LAXATIVE!" > > Works on contact with skin and pets. > > Please write a story about Spot and a doggy door made of Burlax. I won't write a story, but I will write a Very Special Moment from "The Special Show": MATT McIRVIN Hey, look everyone, it's our very special neighbor, Twirling Pup! SPOT Arf! Arf! In the olden days, they would steal from barrels by removing the staves, arrrrrf! MATT McIRVIN Twirling Pup, why are you going through your little doggy door over and over so that it scrapes all the skin off your face? SPOT Arrrrrf burlax doors! MATT McIRVIN Burlax doors! New, from the maker of Deluxe Hamster In A Cup! Are you tired of THIS? (A MAN PUTS A QUARTER INTO AN OVERSIZED GUMBALL MACHINE FILLED WITH HAMSTERS. A STYROFOAM CUP DROPS INTO A SLOT AND THEN A HAMSTER FALLS INTO IT. THE GUY PICKS UP THE CUP AND MAKES A DIGUSTED FACE. SUPERIMPOSE A LARGE RED BUZZING "X" ON HIS HEAD TO INDICATE HE DID SOMETHING DUMB.) MATT McIRVIN ...because NOW you can have THIS! (A MAN WITH TWO SEPARATE EYEBROWS, UNLIKE THE OTHER GUY, PUTS A QUARTER INTO A COOLER-LOOKING GUMBALL MACHINE FILLED WITH HAMSTERS. IT DISPENSES A CUP, DROPS A HAMSTER INTO IT, AND THEN SPRAYS THE CUP FULL OF WHIPPED CREAM AND A ROBOTIC ARM GENTLY PLACES A CHERRY ON TOP. MUFFLED HAMSTER SQUEALS CAN BE HEARD FROM UNDER THE WHIPPED CREAM. THE GUY PICKS UP THE CUP AND SMILES. SUPERIMPOSE A LARGE GREEN CHECK MARK THAT GOES "DING!" ON HIS HEAD TO MAKE HIM LOOK SMART.) SPOT I would buy that! MATT McIRVIN That's right, you would! SPOT But I've had enough of this burlax door. Arrrrf... can I get a REGULAR burlap door? MATT McIRVIN No, Spot, because then you'll never grow up to be President... of Burlax Door Land. SPOT Arf! Arf! Yippee! Burlax doors! Burlax doors! MATT McIRVIN (sipping from a cup) And try tasty new Hamster In A Cup. It's hamsteriffic! (FADE TO FLUORESCENT MAGENTA.) > > To launder Burlax, it must be washed in melted butter. > > Could you clarify that? Ghee, no. -- K. CNN Headline News is telling me that burning the end of a candle which is a foot away from the other end of the candle which is jammed into my ear canal will magically make ear wax go away but the mean ol' government says that "ear candles" DON'T WORK! Because of this we must impeach Clinton! And we must do it by sticking a giant candle into the East Wing of the White House until the candle makes him vanish! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: probable cause and the CWRU police; AP's Science Odyssey Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 02:45:56 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.usenet.kooks Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > In misc.legal, sci.edu and sci.physics, > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > The clothing I am wearing on this trip does not give any probable > > cause for the police to stop me. It just so happened that the > > CWRU campus is one of the most "police-action" campuses in the USA. > > Perhaps they have a crime wave in Ohio or Cleveland in particular > > that they are so police-state-oriented. But in all of the campuses > > I have visited in the USA on this tour, none is so police hostile > > as was CWRU. > > > > And none of my clothes is "probable cause", even my most > > advertising item of a orange bib overall with all the chemical > > elements written on it in black magic markers permanent ink. > > Recently Archie also wrote: > > > I tend to wear coats as capes whenever I get too hot. And I also cut > > holes in shoes to make them more breathable. And yes I tend to write > > some equations on my clothes once in a while to cover over the brand > > name such as The North Face. > > So if you ever see a bald guy wearing orange bib overalls with the elements > and/or equations written on it, wearing a cape (sorry, I mean coat WORN AS > A CAPE!), with the toes cut off of his oversized clown shoes, and riding > three bicycles (AT ONCE!) -- you know you've just seen the King of > Science! Or an escaped mental patient who used to be a clown. Or BOTH! Now, Simon, you can't PROVE that he used to be a clown back when he escaped from that mental institution! Besides, I think it's more likely that they just let him go because they mistook him for a visiting clown who had come to cheer up the insane children. Or else maybe they just kicked him out because he was driving them crazy. -- K. "Nurse! Get me 500 metric tonnes Thorazine, stat!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: probable cause and the CWRU police; AP's Science Odyssey Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 03:28:48 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.usenet.kooks In misc.legal, sci.edu, and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > The clothing I am wearing on this trip does not give any probable > cause for the police to stop me. I'd think you'd want them to yell "STOP!" before they start shooting at the deranged tresspasser in the homemade cape. > It just so happened that the CWRU campus is one of the most > "police-action" campuses in the USA. > > Perhaps they have a crime wave in Ohio or Cleveland in particular > that they are so police-state-oriented. But in all of the campuses > I have visited in the USA on this tour, none is so police hostile > as was CWRU. I can see that you haven't yet found Kent State. Be sure to bring some flowers for the nice guardsmen. > And none of my clothes is "probable cause", even my most > advertising item of a orange bib overall with all the chemical > elements written on it in black magic markers permanent ink. Archie, I've told you before, don't doodle on your good Oshkosh B'Gosh toddlerwear! Those are your SUNDAY clothes! Now go put on the snowpants, they're your play clothes. The ones with the hole in the butt where the dog bit you. > In the early 1990s when I was shouting at the top of my voice on > the MIT campus, the police quickly came to tell me to go across > the street on the sidewalk or face arrest for disturbance of the > peace. There I was causing disturbance, but at CWRU I was merely > sightseeing. And worse, CWRU now has a permanent filed paper that > should I ever step foot on their campus again, that I am liable > for arrest of trespassing on private property. I was going to say that you missed a "k" there but then I realized you couldn't possibly be trying to spell "I am likable". > The CWRU police over-stepped their duties and actions. The CWRU > police need a lecture course on "probable cause". Yeah! Go give 'em one, King-O! > The CWRU police seem to believe that "private property" is more > important and extends beyond that of "private citizen". Unless > CWRU had a fence around it and signs saying no-one without a CWRU > ID is allowed on campus, was the CWRU police acting like a real > police force ought to act. > > And that the CWRU police now have a permanent filed > Trespassing paper on > Archimedes Plutonium, for which they illegally wrote up. Well, at least they didn't file one against your real name, Wiggy. > If the King of Science cannot visit a campus, then the King of > Science asks all prospective students of Case Western Reserve > University to stay away from CWRU, to attend another school > that places more emphasis on science than that of some police > tactics. Maybe you should go to the LAPD Academy. I bet they have a great quantum physics seminar and doughnuts too. > I believe the head of the physics department at Case, Dr. Lawrence > Krauss had the CWRU police primed such that when I came on > campus to scout me out and to write-up a "trespassing ticket" > on Archimedes Plutonium. Dr. Krauss knew I was coming for the > Michelson Experiment. And all the more reason to take the > Michelson Experiment out of Ohio and place it into the Smithsonian > so that others do not have to tolerate the police-action-state > that is the CWRU campus. I... see. So, they should pretend the experiment was never performed in Cleveland to keep mad scientists from tresspassing on their property because you don't want to get arrested for tresspassing on their property? You know, you might be able to learn more if you actually read about the experiment in a book instead of just trying to stand on the spot where they wrote the papers that you won't read. If you really like that kind of stuff I can show you a lot of buildings that used to be White Castles. > This is rather dangerous to me because should other schools > follow the Krauss-CWRU-tactic of having the campus police stop > me with no probable cause and issue a trespassing warrant > that soon I will be without access to University campuses. Hamburger University's a real university, right? Damn! I was hoping you'd be able to hook up with Jeffery D. Hunt. -- K. And when you get to Hamb. U., you could ask everyone, "HAVE YOU SEEN MIKE HUNT?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 03:00:06 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.torture, "SandDollar" (sanddollar@aol.com) > > Subject: Alcohol in the urethra > > Can anyone tell me the long term effects of having isopropyl (rubbing) alcohol > inserted into the urethra? > > I am planning to this to myself, perhaps nightly. > > Thank you for any relevant information. I think for that question to be answered, someone else would have to have done this. And I suspect that either nobody's ever done this or else all the people who did died when their urethras exploded. Also, I'd think that people should think about the longterm effects BEFORE scheduling time to do this every night. I HAVE DECIDED TO BASH MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL FIFTY THOUSAND TIMES! PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF THIS IS ANY WORSE THAN NOT DOING IT AT ALL! -- K. I still find it odd that alt.torture has so many AOL people in it. Sometime I have to find the groups with the highest and lowest incidence of AOL and WebTV people. I think alt.torture would come out on top for AOL, because anyone who likes AOL would like torture. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.physics,sci.physics.electromag,soc.history.science,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 1999 physics Nobel for more scaffolding; AP's Science-Religion-Odyssey Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 03:43:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.chem, sci.physics, sci.physics.electromag, and soc.history.science, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Trouble with the Nobel Prize is that it is almost impossible for > the "little people of science" to recognize the best science. I can see it now -- somewhere in The Other Universe, Archimedes is winning a fistful of Nobel Prizes. He is holding them aloft over his head like Martin Landau with his first Oscar, but instead of saying "TAKE THAT, BARBARA BAIN!" he's saying "I APOLOGIZE TO ALL THE LITTLE PEOPLE I STEPPED ON WITH MY BIG CLOWN SHOES AS I CLIMED TO THE TOP OF THE SCIENTIFIC WORLD HERE IN THE OTHER UNIVERSE!" Of course, they'd have to take all those Nobel Prizes away from you and give them to me for discovering the Universe where you're taken seriously, because that obviously is more difficult than any sort of regular science stuff. And in my acceptance speech, I promise to thank all the little people. In fact, Arch, I will graciously acknowledge just how little you truly are. -- K. -> I felt inadequate and inferior. I was also shorter than the average -> height of boys of my age. In school, I was always in the short height -> category. People have referred to me many times in my life as "shorty." -- "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One", pages 60-61 (1993) -> With my guitar I tried to play the melodies of The Rolling Stones -> songs. Some of my favorite songs were: Street Fighting Man, Not Fade -> Away, The Last Time, 19th Nervous Breakdown ,Get off of my Cloud, Tell -> Me , Lady Jane , Ruby Tuesday , Sympathy for the Devil. My favorite -> Bob Dylan was It Ain't Me, Babe , perhaps it was the psychological -> feeling in me that I already had the babe, and I could reject her, -> before she could reject me on account of my short height. -- ibid, page 110 -> And it seemed that whenever I spyed a girl that I wanted to date -> that she would not accept my advances, probably because I am short. -- ibid, page 210 -> I am short and I shave my head every day. -- Ludwig Plutonium, February 1994 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shaw's recalls cans of beans Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 04:03:44 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Hey, ClariNet appears to have suddenly switched back from AP to UPI without telling me. This is what, the ninth time they've done that? > EAST BRIDGEWATER, Mass., Oct. 22 (UPI) -- Shaw's Supermarkets Inc. > said Friday it is recalling its 14.5 ounce cans of Shaw's tender Blue > Lake French style green beans because the product was reported to > contain a foreign object. ...an American style green bean! > Shaw, which operates 124 stores throughout the six New England > states, said the product poses no health threat. Then he went back to his crazy plan for reforming English spelling. > The company said it is recalling French style beans with the lot > number 1307G 89161. Also they were recalling all other canned green beans ever made by any manufacturer because it was discovered that canned green beans taste like wet paper towels soaked in floor polish, while frozen green beans taste like green beans. Soon they better get to work on canned mixed vegetables -- where the canned green beans and canned carrots and canned lima beans have all become indistinguishable by color, shape, or taste. > The supermarket chain noted there will be an additional four digits > that follow this lot number but the recall applies to all cans with the > same first 10 digits. They are only recalling those digits. Please mail in half your label. > Shaw said customers are encouraged to return the product to any > Shaw's Supermarket location for a full refund. I ALREADY ATE MINE. I WANT AN EMPTY REFUND!!! -- K. By the way, Shaw's owns Star, and the others are all Food Lion, and this weekend I was taking undercover photos in a Food Lion ("Hannaford's") and nobody even bothered to break my legs! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony releases new litter of robot dogs Date: Wed, 27 Oct 1999 04:13:35 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com That wacky little French news agency told me: > TOKYO, Oct 26 (AFP) - Sony Corp. announced Tuesday the birth of > a new breed of 10,000 special-edition robot dogs in response to mass > demand from Europe, Japan and the United States. > The electronics giant was stunned when it sold all 3,000 of its > new robot dogs in just 20 minutes when they went on sale in Japan > over the Internet in June. > Another 2,000 were snapped up in the United States. > Sony had intended to sell just 5,000 of the mechanical pets and > monitor customers' reactions as it sought to establish a new market > for robotic entertainment. > "Ever since the completion of order taking, however, Sony has > been flooded with requests to purchase AIBO robots," the company > said in a written statement. I have no comment except to say that about 500 other people will claim to be the first to repost this press release to alt.religion.kibology over the next six months. > The gleaming metallic puppy-sized robot is named AIBO, the > Japanese word for partner, What's Japanese for "Panburger Partner"? I've seen Japanese imitations of Hamburger Helper but not a Japanese imitation of the American imitations of Hamburger Helper, and frankle, Panburger Partner is EVERY BIT AS GOOD as real Hamburger Helper, so the Japanese will have a hard time improving it. Unless they figure out a way to miniaturize the "lasagna"-lets another two orders of magnitude. > and each sells for a hefty 250,000 yen, or 2,500 dollars in the > United States. > Orders for the pet came "not only from customers in Japan and > the US but also from Europe, where the limited edition model was not > available," Sony said. > In response to demand, it decided to launch a new AIBO model, > ERS-111, a breed with slightly different ears, STOP THE PRESSES! THE TWO-THOUSAND-DOLLAR DOG DOLL NOW HAS *SLIGHTLY* DIFFERENT EXPENSIVE EARS! > a shorter tail, with a Crunky bar under it! > new software and colour versions -- grey-silver and metallic black. You know, "dark gray" and "dark gray". > The dog comes with an array of sensors -- a colour > closed-circuit camera, heat sensors, infra-red range finder, touch > sensors, acceleration and speed sensors and a stereo microphone. I need to throw out my current dog doll because it's only monophonic. > Accepting most of its commands via a remote control, AIBO also > barks, talks and even sings in English or Japanese. Owners can also > train their dogs via a programme on a computer screen. Can we kill it over and over, like a Tamagotchi? > Orders will be taken via the Internet and by telephone from > November 1-8, That's a strange name. Is he an eccentric billionaire ordering these under a fake name? > the company said, with the pets going on a first-come, > first-served basis and a maximum of one for each customer. ...and a minimum of one for each non-customer. YOU WILL BUY THE NOISY DOG DOLL THAT SINGS JAPANESE SONGS! ENJOY THE SONY CORPORATION'S LOYALTY OATH SONG AS IT COMES OUT OF ONE END OF A DOG! THEN HAVE A CRUNKY BAR! -- K. Crunky is just like Hershey's Crackel only it's misspelled. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Body Jewelry and Glow Sticks Date: Thu, 28 Oct 1999 06:22:40 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.art.bodypainting, Jim Carrillo (jimc@locitos.com) wrote: > > [...] SHA-BANG! ULTRA-DELUXE KONTEXT-AWAY 2000 WITH DOUBLE SUPER FOAMING ACTION ACCIDENTALLY DESTROYS 99% OF ALL QUOTED MATTER ON CONTACT! > It all started with a glow stick and a tongue ring; how we got there is a > long story in itself. SHA-BOOM! KONTEXT-AWAY CRUMPLES ITSELF UP INTO A BALL AND TOSSES ITSELF INTO THE WASTEBASKET UNDER SOMEONE ELSE'S DESK! I'm going around asking people "What does safe sex involve?" and when someone says "a glow stick and a tongue ring" I'll know that I've uncovered Fakir Musafar's secret identity. Glow sticks are one of those safety devices that can only be purchased on Halloween. I think all safety devices should only be applicable one day a year. "Damn! I have to do some arc-welding without dark goggles because it's not Groundhog Day!" > [...] > > Our goal is to raise funding for inventory that will allow us to explode > nationally. Sorry, I gave all my money to Bob Hope on the off chance it will help him to explode in all fifty states. -- K. Someday I'll have to try using Kontext-Away on an article which is ALL context. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TrOLl oF ThE LiViNG dEaD Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 19:50:12 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "M. Otis Beard" (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > My Fellow Bozos, > > I am happy to report that rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. > > Before you all rise up as one and kill me for real, let me extend my > deepest apologies and most heartfelt thanks to those of you who have been > feeling genuine grief over my death. I set you up, it's true, and that was > incredibly cruel of me, but before you tar me and feather me and run me out > of ark on a rail, think about this: joy is relative. You can't be truly > happy if you've never been sad, and it was my intention throughout this > little escapade to purge you and toughen you up with cathartic anger and, > in the end, bring you joy. You thought you had irretrievably lost something; I'd just like to point out that I had no idea M. Otis was even supposed to be gone, and so now that he's back, I don't care. Especially as the reason I haven't been around much for the past week and a half is that I've been dealing with an actual death in the family. Therefore, I WIN! > [...150-line rationalization of how awesome Motis's prank that I never > noticed was...] > > P.S. -- Obviously, all this bears a great deal of further discussion. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT I TROLLED ALL OF YOU IDIOTS INTO THINKING I WAS THREE HUNDRED FEET TALL AND PURPLE AND THUS YOU MUST NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT EVERYONE BUT ME. ALSO GIVE ME SOME CANDY. M. Otis, the lameness of the trolling is directly proportional to the size of the rant where you claim how cool it was. -- K. And, Andy Kaufman did this better than you. At least HE didn't wimp out after a few days of being dead. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TrOLl oF ThE LiViNG dEaD Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 20:53:23 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > > > Before I even laid plans for Death Troll '99, I had clear and healthy > > indications that many people DON'T care, and it upset me very much. > > To make matters worse, since I started playing dead, I've had a huge > > number of indications that many of the people here who DO care about > > each other don't feel comfortable reaching out to other kibologists > > for help no matter how bad they need it. A lot of them never realized > > before just how much they do care about each other, and I consider it a > > great success that they have now come to that realization. I guess > > sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind. > > OH YAY FOR MOTIS! > Oh thank you for showing us how insensitive we all are! OH THANK YOU, > you brilliant man, for showing us the error of our ways. > How can we ever repay such a selfless act of courage? I think we should all kill ourselves one at a time in front of M. Otis to make him the BEST PERSON EVER. You see, that was Hitler's plan -- by being the last person to die in World War II, he would get all the accumulated happiness and smarts from being around lots of people who died who weren't him! Unfortunately, his plan failed when, after his suicide, a Russian soldier tripped and fell on his bayonet and died, making Hitler the second-to-last person to die, and thus shortly after his death, Hitler became dumber! > She [Darla] is right, Otis. > You're too caught up in your self-rightous accomjplishment to realise > how right she is. Woo! M. Otis made Leah mad by not dying! Leah, now you know how I feel about Bob Hope. -- K. Dean Lenort and Robert Lindsay will now explain what NASA hopes to accomJPLish during the next decade. They named a space probe after Carl Sagan. Will Bob Hope get his own planet? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TrOLl oF ThE LiViNG dEaD Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 20:59:10 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > "Darla" (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > > > M. Otis Beard. > > > > As far as I know, no one but you felt the need to re-create a.r.k . > > Certainly no reasonable and mature person, had they felt such a need, would > > have either appointed you to effect such a change, nor chosen such a > > selfishly manipulative, shallow and cruel way to do it. > > > > There was no need to bring to the surface a sense of "community" here. There > > were already clear and healthy indications that many people here care about > > one another. What you did to those people is unconscionable--- and that you > > choose to crow about it, to beat your chest and praise yourself for your > > altruism in bringing a newsgroup to some supposed higher level, is more than > > sufficient proof that you aren't worthy of the honest emotion your little > > stunt elicited. > > > > I find it difficult to believe that someone with such delusions of grandeur, > > combined with such a juvenile sense of life and love and the fragility of > > peoples' hearts can possibly be prepared to be a father. How will you > > handle your child's need to feel secure and able to express emotion? Say > > that the puppy died? Report that Mommy was killed in a car accident? Sit > > back and become a fly-on-the-wall as your child grieves--- and then jump up > > laughing, waving the puppy or dragging Mommy out of the closet shouting "I > > trolled you!! Daddy made you really *think* didn't he?!" > > > > I have been wrong about people before, I was *dead* wrong about you, and I > > need a considerable vacation from ark and from the inevitable follow-ups to > > this pathetic show of yours. > > > > I am out of here. > > > > Darla > > Darla, > You said everything I wanted to say only without any profanity. Leah, that's the nicest thing I've ever heard anyone say here on the fucking Internet. > Don't go away too long. > I haven't given up on ARK .. just Motis. > So please come back. Tell you what, let's drop Darla a note when M. Otis dies. -- K. For those playing along at home: Step 1. M. Otis is just a guy. Step 2. M. Otis tells us he's dead. Step 3. M. Otis tells us he's not dead. Step 4. M. Otis tells us we should be grateful he only faked his own death. Step 5. M. Otis is just a guy but now a number of people hate him. Step 6. Kibo posts this summary to try to explain this to the vast multitudes who really don't give a flying fig whether M. Otis is dead or alive and whether he's lying about being dead or lying about being alive. SHOW US SOME PROOF YOU'RE NOT DEAD, M. OTIS, OR GO BACK TO BEING DEAD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TrOLl oF ThE LiViNG dEaD Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 20:11:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > Some of you people are just too fucking dramatic, and you have this weird > idea that some things are too sacred to joke about. Let me tell you > something: you're going to die. All of you. Me too. Everyone you know is > going to die, and so are all their kyewt cuddly pets. Hahahaha! That's funny, M. Otis. You should be a sitcom! > It doesn't make you noble when you do it, and it's pretty lame to cozy up > to the corpse like it was your best friend when you didn't even bother to > really get to know the person when they were alive. I see, so what you're saying is that you faked your own death just so that you could complain that nobody on a.r.k wanted to be your friend until you allegedly pulled that really awesome publicity stunt that I somehow missed seeing any mention of until you started bragging about how great it was? Yeah, your rant was the wackiest rant about not having friends ever, Lee. I mean, M. Otis. > Writing long eulogies to strangers just because you had some > superficial contact with them is what's sick, not making fun of death. Okay, I promise that when you actually DO die I won't ever mention you ever again. -- K. I THINK YOU OWE US AN APOLOGY FOR YOUR APOLOGY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TrOLl oF ThE LiViNG dEaD Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 20:45:38 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Bo G" (Erasmus@myremarq.com) wrote: > > > > In a speech last Spring, Vonnegut said "And don't try to make yourself an > > extended family out of ghosts on the > > internet. Get yourself a Harley, and join Hell's Angels instead." > > I might agree with this, except that I met Kibo and Scott and finally > Samantha this way, and they are anything but ghosts as far as I am > concerned. In the case of Samantha the word "extended" doesn't even > apply. ...and when she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE! Also, Hershey's has announced that there's a shortage of Twizzlers for Halloween because of a bug in the computer that controls their distribution. AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN MENTION THE BUGS THAT LIVE IN THE TWIZZLERS! Where was I before the TV interrupted me with a news story about candy I don't eat? Oh, yeah, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s advice on death. Given that his ten most recent books consist of (1) Him complaining about his mother's suicide (2) Him complaining about his sister's death (3) Him complaining about his brother who had the nerve to die before Kurt stopped being jealous of him (4) Him complaining about how many of his friends have died of old age (5) Him complaining about how many people he never met died in the firebombing of Dresden ...he's the last person whose advice I'm going to take about how to deal with death gracefully, and about the fallaciousness of extended families (YOU'RE ALL IN EXTENDED FAMILIES EXCEPT FOR KURT VONNEGUT AND ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE HE HANGS OUT WITH JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T KNOW MOST OF THEM ALL THAT WELL!) In fact, the only things in his recent books other than the above are (6) Him complaining about how his son went temporarily insane just to annoy him, and his son wrote a good book about it instead of just complaining over and over how mean he was to go insane against his father's will (7) Rants about how people who use computers are socially inferior to those like him who can't figure them out (...which, to me, is equivalent to saying "I have better social skils than you do because I never bothered buying a blender!") If you don't believe me, try to read "Timequake", his latest (last?) book, which is a book-length apology for the fact that the book you're reading stinks to high heaven. It's the ultimate development of his lterary style where he's afraid to approach any ideas that might be interesting -- remember how, back when he was worth reading, he would always _describe_ his best story ideas and assign them to the work of his fictional stand-in, Kilgore Trout? gripe gripe gripe Kilgore Trout once wrote a book with this entertaining premise: (one-sentence summary of a funnier book than this, that Kurt is afraid to write because it might be silly) gripe gripe gripe gripe gripe Well, in "Timequake", he spends the whole book loudly denying that he could possibly have made the book interesting: LA LA LA LA LA I AM NOT TRYING LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD I WISH I WERE DEAD LA LA LA LA LA I AM NOT TRYING LA LA LA LA LA LA HERE'S A XEROX OF MY OLD LETTERHEAD LA LA LA LA (I forget what page that quote is from. Yes, there is a page filled with a Xerox of a blank letterhead.) Really, I dare you to read that book without wondering how it got published. (I think he was ashamed of his first draft and was under a contractual obligation to turn in something, so he wrote the book-length an apology for not turning in a book.) I lost count of the number of passages where he complains he can't write any more or where he wishes he were dead. I only read "Timequake" by accident because I was looking for the passage where Carl Sagan talked about how much he loved smoking marijuana, and I realized all too late that that was probably in one of Sagan's book, and not Kurt Vonnegut's stinker. Kurt Vonnegut Jr., the Bob Hope of the literary world. Except that Bob Hope was never actually very funny and has never TRIED not to be funny. It's more like if Graham Chapman gradually turned into his character of The Colonel. "There used to be a sketch here about a dead parrot, but I took it out so that I can spend fifteen minutes telling you that I don't want you to see it." So from now on, I'm only going to post in Kurt Vonnegut's style. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go post a bunch of laundry lists of my dead friends punctuated with one-sentence summaries of all the interesting stuff I could have posted instead, just to let you know that I won't give my public the satisfaction of FORCING ME TO ENTERTAIN THEM! -- K. Kilgore Trout should write a book where he develops all his story ideas to full length and then dismisses Vonnegut's writings as not worth reading. Earth was a planet that had a shortage of Twizzlers. Twizzlers were an Earth candy that looked like this: ----------------------------------- | / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / | ----------------------------------- Sometimes kids would put them in their noses. At the time there was no law against it, because nobody liked Twizzlers. However, Earth people could go to jail if they put the American flag up their nose. This was puzzling to most of them because most of them didn't even live in America. "America" was short of "The United States of America" which was short for "Arizona, Montana, Mississippi, Alaska, Wyoming, ..." where the three dots meant that there were more states than anyone could remember. The American flag looked like this: *************---------------------- ************* / / / / / / / / / / | *************---------------------- *************---------------------- ************* / / / / / / / / / / | *************---------------------- ----------------------------------- | / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / | ----------------------------------- ----------------------------------- | / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / | ----------------------------------- It was a rectangle. So were all the others except Nepal, according to the Encyclopedia Britannica. The Britannica, which is published in America, has no listing for Twizzlers. What does it know? There was no law against putting the Britannica up your nose either. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TrOLl oF ThE LiViNG dEaD Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 20:15:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > NONE OF YOU ARE REAL! EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE YOU ARE FAKE AND I > > SHOULDN'T MISS ANY OF YOU AT ALL EVER AND EVER AMEN! BEABLE!!! > > > After I'm gone I want you all to throw a party and enjoy yourselves. Really. When you find me dead, I want you to use my body for wacky practical jokes. -- K. In 1988 or so, that was printed on little blue cards which were given to all the REAL Kibologists. This demonstrates that Kibo is always at least ten years ahead of everyone else in terms of topical references, and that those of you who weren't in the cult by 1988 aren't allowed to die. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Do you REALLY want to know? Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 21:05:58 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > > > The point is that I care. > > > And I cared long before Motis pulled his stupid stunt. > > > > > > How incredibly ironic that you wouldn't be having this conversation if I > > *hadn't* pulled my "stupid stunt" isn't it? > > > How arrogant you are. Ha ha ha! M. Otis TRICKED Leah into insulting him just by acting like a jerk! -- K. How ironic that you wouldn't be having this conversation about my oatmeal-and- balloon-animal fetish if I hadn't said I had an oatmeal-and-balloon-animal fetish! HOW IRONIC IT IS THAT THERE'S NO IRONY IN MOST THINGS THAT PEOPLE SAY ARE IRONIC! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Do you REALLY want to know? Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 21:14:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > > > Hopefully M. Otis Beard will apologize and we can get on > > being pointless and silly. That's what we're really here for, > > isn't it? > > It's what I'm here for, dammit. Hey! That had a point! Go back and take all the meaning out, you big potzrebie! Also, in the future, waffles should be spherical and filled with maple vapor! > That, and talking about cute dogs. I think cats are cuter, especially as they're smarter -- cats know how to fling their poo across the room. I want to get a cat and a monkey so I can watch them throw poo at each other. And I'll never have to clean up after them because no poo will stay on the floor more than a few seconds at a time. I'll just have to stay low as ever-increasing quantities of poo go back and forth. Then, eventually, I'll just move to a clean house. > --Terrori <== geddit? it's almost Halloween HAW! HAW! I don't get it. Here are some more frightening nicknames for Terri: Scari Scari Lewis And Lambchop Scari Lewis, Writer Of Don Saklad's Favorite "Star Trek" Episode Terri The Ripper Terri The Impaler Terri The Prop Comedian Terridactyl Territickyl AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!! I'M SORRY SAID SOMETHING SO SCARY!!!!!! -- K. Maybe someday Terri Tickle will get together with Accelerator Boy and Mouse Crusher and Burning Loafer Guy and start their very own little civilization on some island where they can all be normal relative to each other. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My Granny: 50's Era Practicing Kibologist Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 21:25:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Well, I've been going over the family archives and discovered that _my_ > granny was Before Her Time. > > She was practicing Kibology when Kibology wasn't Kool. > > In addition to once attempting to beat out flames with a newspaper, in > her lifetime she: > > ð Crumbled up aspirin in the Turtle's food whenever said > turtle appeared especially sluggish. I'm glad you specified that she did that in her lifetime. I was worried you were about to say that she had a time machine and was doing it in the year 3004. > ð Ditto for the goldfish. She crumbled up goldfish for the turtle? Eww! > ð Used a bandage on a parakeet (he got aspirin too). I bet she was confusing aspirin with Alka-Seltzer. > ð Attempted to catch a snake with a potholder. She had brought it > to share with her preschool class. It got loose in the house, > and was never seen again. ...and how the snake got a potholder, we'll never know! > ð Washed out a ready-made pie crust in the dishwater because > she wanted to change the filling. The first time I read that, it said she washed a ready-filled pie crust in the dishwasher, which I think is even funnier. Just think of all those blueberries being scrubbed away by oscillating streams of Jet-Dri. I can tell your grandmother really liked pets, but not necessarily the people who ate her pies. Unless she was just laying a booby trap for Yogi Bear. "THAT'S THE LAST TIME THAT GEOMETRICAL BEAR WILL SLIDE ACROSS THE SCREEN TOWARDS MY BRIGHT YELLOW PIE!!!" > HA! Let's see if your grannies can top that. And if they can, I got some > great-granny stories to. DON'T MAKE ME USE THEM. I'll tell you about my father's Good Conduct Medal sometime. -- K. STAND BACK! THE PARAKEET'S GOT ASPIRIN TOO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Title Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 21:38:58 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Andrew Jeanes (ajeanes@tracer.consecol.org) wrote: > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > I seem to recall the same sentiments being bandied about the LAST time > > someone trolled the newsgroup about a Kibologist being dead... I believe > > the recipient of that particular death sentence was Andrew Jeanes, who > > is still with us today. Hi Andrew! You're my bestest friend because I > > read one of your posts once! > > HI DAVID!!!!!11 I am glad to see you've stopped puking. I still have > your hair, though. Shall I mail it to you? > > I haven't forgotten about my own death being announced here by Kia lo, > these long days past. I think at the time I felt worst for Etienne > Rouette, who wrote such a lovely obituary. Oh, it's okay, he can re-use it the next time someone dies. Besides, I worried about Etienne for two days when he vanished from the Internet for a while and his mailbox filled up to the top. So I never wrote his obituary but I thought about it during a couple of TV commercials. So he's actually ahead of us because I've got the start of one on file for him. Of course, he has a way to go to catch up to Bob Hope, whose obituary was mistakenly issued by the wire services TWICE last year. > Anyway, that was all Kia Mennie's fault, but nobody got all mad at her > for saying I was dead. Interesting point: If M. Otis #1 said that M. Otis #2 was dead (assuming they were both conspiring in the stunt), would people have gotten more cross with #1 or #2? Besides, nobody takes Kia seriously. I mean, she's named after a WEENIE CAR. Also, I hear tell that "Kia" is actually a BOY'S NAME. > Still and all, Kia is now getting sued by Ted Frank while Otis, > presumably, is not. I suppose there's some kind of karmic balance at > work there. Yeah, but we're all getting sued by Archimedes Plutonium. At least, I think we are. I only have his word that the invisible sheriff delivered the double extra secret invisible lawsuit to me after his imaginary fistfight with me while we were in different states. But I know the lawsuit is real because he told us what fonts it was printed in, and his long list of defendants included NASA, and I know that nobody would lie about suing NASA because telling a lie about NASA is a Federal crime! > I don't feel like posting anything else on the topic of Otis' > non-death. I am interested to find out how many people Otis emailed > before his public resurrection, and why we all then sat on the news. > Maybe I'm not *that* interested. I'm working on my 100-page manifesto to tell everyone how not interested I am. [...while Andrew was working in a candy factory with Lucille Ball...] > > BTW, Otis, you quoted me out of context, which is fine. That's okay, I put in some fake context above that nobody will be able to tell from the real thing. -- K. Am I still the only one who thinks Desi was funny and Lucy wasn't? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Title Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 05:56:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > > > David Pacheco wrote in message ... > > > > > > I like the fact that there's > > > a book in the Bible called "Amos" > > > > Unfortunately, the book of Andy was edited out. > > Don't you hate it when you make a wonderfully subtle joke, and then have > some bonehead come back and cleverly let you in on just how wonderfully > subtle it is? I don't get it. What does this have to do with M. Otis trying to fool people into thinking he had slashed his wrists so that he could yell at them for having the nerve to cry against his will? Oh, wait, you called him a "bonehead". Never mind. Except I still don't get the part about "Amos" and "Andy". -- K. 'Cause I don't understand black humor. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Librarians today unlike stereotype" Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 22:22:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In soc.libraries.talk, myared@erols.com wrote: > > posted without permission from > http://www.washtimes.com/culture/culture1.html 10/29/99 > "Profile of today's librarian skews politically, socially liberal > > By Julia Duin > THE WASHINGTON TIMES > > Libraries used to be quiet, musty temples to the god of reading, ...until Don Saklad showed up yelling, "WHERE ARE THE SECRET BOOKS?" every five minutes. > whose rites were listed in card catalogues overseen by the local book deity; > actually, the stereotypical bespectacled head librarian with a pencil > through her bunned hair. Now the stereotype has changed in that MEN are allowed to work at libraries. (Although, nobody's told the authors of the MMPI.) I think it would be funny if the stereotype still held because then we'd have guys walking around with beehive hairdos and pink eyeglasses on a chain. > Today, they are Grand Central Stations of culture, I agree that the Boston Public Library smells funny, but I can't find the Nathan's hot dog stand. > stocked with computers capable of downloading the entire filth and fancy > of the Internet, I'M TIRED OF THOSE OLD-TYME LIBRARIES WHOSE COMPUTERS COULD ONLY HOLD HALF OF ALL THE FILTH OF THE INTERNET! Also, I can't find the fancy of the Internet. Is it behind the hot dog stand with the secret books that Don Saklad can't see? > and targeted for such by radio talk-show hostess Laura Schlessinger. > What she may not realize is how librarians are a changing breed, > often politically liberal and apt to invite speakers such as Gloria > Steinem, Cornell West, Marian Wright Edelman, Deborah Prothrow-Stith > and Patricia Schroeder to their semiannual conferences of the American > Library Association. Retired Army Gen. Colin Powell keynoted the > convention in June. > They are less than straitlaced in the sexuality department, as > evidenced in columnist Will Manley's librarian sex survey "The Manley Library Sex Survey". I would never have made up that meme in a million years. It's high time to revise the MMPI. (On the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, the question "I think I would like the world of a librarian" counts towards being gay if a guy says 'true'. I assume it counts towards being lesbian if a woman says 'false' because we all know that all women want to be librarians, just like all gay people.) > in American Libraries, the house organ must... reach... into... Obvious Bag... can't... resist... must... fight... obvious... urge... Help me, Spock! > of the 58,000-member American Library Association. > Dubbed the "Kinsey of Libraryland, I wonder what position Don Saklad holds in Libraryland. > Mr. Manley's 1993 survey revealed that 91 percent of his 2,797 respondents > had read "The Joy of Sex," I assume they mean that 91 percent CLAIMED to have read it, unless he actually asked them a hard question about where the G-spot is. I'm sure just as many claim to not watch TV except for PBS and The Learning Channel. > 82 percent believed Anita Hill told the truth, 78 percent of the > female librarians polled said they had been sexually harassed by a > patron and 61 percent had rented an X-rated video. Yes, but which one did they all rent? I suppose I could figure out which one by going to Blockbuster and looking for the dog-eared one. Also, if this is true, why do libraries not lend X-rated videos? CENSORSHIP! CENSORSHIP! CENSORSHIP! BURN DOWN THE LIBRARIES THAT DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PORN! HOW DARE THEY CARRY ALL THE FILTH OF THE INTERNET WITHOUT LETTING ME TAKE PORN HOME? > Forty percent felt that Playboy magazine should be in the public > library, 22 percent thought there should be condom dispensers in > library restrooms I will wager the percentage of libraries who actually put condoms in the library restrooms is a little lower than 22 percent. Personally, I think it's a bad idea because it would encourage MORE people to have hot sex on top of the public Xerox machine. > and just 6 percent believe AIDS is a punishment from God. There's nothing > to the rumor that a librarian has posed for Penthouse, reports Louisiana > librarian Stacey Hathaway-Bell in the August 1998 issue of American Libraries. I'm glad librarians are doing such important work as reading all the back issues of "Penthouse". Besides, it wasn't "Penthouse", it was "Players". > But the Manley survey reported 24 percent of the librarians would pose > nude in Playboy or Playgirl for $1 million. I see, so they're 76% more prudish than normal people who don't already have a million dollars. How many librarians would pose nude for $1,000,000 if it were donated to buying copies of "Playboy" for the library? > "The story is repeated with relish in the profession because it > defies the bun-wearing old-maid view of librarians that our society for > some reason embraces," she writes. "Too bad it's probably not true." That could be fixed. > The typical librarian, according to the ALA, is over 45 years old > (66 percent), is female (73 percent) and white (91 percent). Instead of > fighting for the right to shelve J.D. Salinger's "Catcher in the Rye," > she tries to stock copies of Madonna's book "Sex." Oh, yeah, that's a good one for the library because it never gets stolen or has pages ripped out and it's real cheap to replace. > She is also tolerant toward homosexuality, reports Mark Herring, > the dean of library services at Winthrop University in Rock Hill, S.C. > Mr. Herring, who has spent 20 years in the business, first got the > hint of this trend when, in 1981, the independent magazine Library > Journal ran an almost full page of ads for homosexual bars in > conjunction with an upcoming ALA conference in San Francisco. > "Why in the world would a professional association be doing this?" > he asks. "When the American Bar Association meets in San Francisco, do > they publish locations of all the gay bars for their members?" Yes, if they're the American Gay Bar Association. > In Library Journal's June 1999 issue touting the ALA's recent New > Orleans conference, a nightlife survey touted the lesbian bar Rubyfruit > Jungle ...isn't that the name of the default iBook desktop pattern? > and other hotspots for homosexuals. > "It's the new cause celebre," Mr. Herring says. "When you talk to > individual librarians, you find people who are squeamish about this. > The bespectacled, dour-faced librarian has been replaced by something > out of Playboy -- or that is the perception they'd like to convey. > Actually, there's still a lot more of the former kind of that librarian > around." > The ALA was the first professional organization to have a > homosexual caucus, according to the book "Reclaiming the American > Library Past" by Susan Hildenbrand. The association has an annual "Gay, > Lesbian and Bisexual Book Awards" contest and Library Journal > prominently listed "Lesbian and Gay Book Month" for June in its May 15 > issue. > "You think to yourself: Who is buying this except individual > gays?" Mr. Herring said. "I can't think of very many public libraries > that would buy this stuff." Yeah, they're all too busy buying those art books about Robert Mapplethorpe to have time to buy any GAY books. > Public libraries have been under fire this year for opposing > Internet filters, which the ALA deems impediments to free speech. For > instance, when the Loudoun County, Va., library system tried to impose > filters on its computers, articles in American Libraries called the > policy "rigid" and "draconian." I feel that Internet filters are really and with a tire iron, and a their legs. > The association got broadsided this year for this stance by Miss > Schlessinger, who termed the ALA as having "done something evil." She > was particularly miffed at the ALA Web site (www.ala.org), which sports > a "teen hoopla" page for teen-agers. Yeah! Hoopla is EVIL! Teenage hoopla is EVILER! Tee-hee, I said the non-word "eviler" in a library context. THAT'S THE EVILEST THING I'VE EVER DONE! > One of the links is to the "Go Ask Alice" Web site maintained by > Columbia University, which has a long list of explicit questions and > answers on sex, sexual experimentation and sex toys. Judging by the > questions posed by self-identified virgins, "Self-identified virgins" might be lying. Internet users should have their virginity certified by an independent agency. It wouldn't be that hard: I think I would like the work of a librarian. ( true / false ) I enjoy watching "Star Trek". ( true / false ) There, I have revised the MMPI from a 600-question general-purpose psychodiagnostic tool to a two-question probe which determined whether you are a gay librarian, a gay library patron, a virgin, or a gay virgin. Librarians should hand out little cards with that little two-by-two matrix on it like the Libertarians do, because, hey, "Librarian" and "Libertarian" are spelled so close to each other that we could just combine the two so as to free up a word in the dictionary for something new. Because we keep inventing stuff but the dictionary's full. > many of the users are obviously young. > The ALA says "Teen Hoopla" is for ages 12-18. NINETEEN-YEAR-OLDS ARE NOT TEENAGERS IN THE BIZARRE WORLD OF LIBRARIANS! > The same site also has a spirituality link to sites on Buddhism, the > Foursquare Gospel Church, Scientology, Teen Missions, Christianity Online > and Young Life, a Christian group. OH NO! BUDDHISM IS EVEN MORE SATANIC THAN SCIENTOLOGY! KIDS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO READ ABOUT RELIGION! BAN THE BIBLE! > The ALA released a statement in May defending "Alice" as "factual" > and "straightforward," adding that "if young people are not interested > or not ready for certain material, they won't read it." > "The reports have been highly exaggerated," says ALA spokeswoman > Linda Wallace. "[Looking up porn sites] is not what young children do > naturally." At least not ones under the age of three. > Mr. Herring suggests the ALA ignores the strength of teen-age > libido. He then suggested that the restrooms should dispense junior-size condoms. > "I wouldn't want any 12-year-old of mine looking at it," he says. > ALA policy is to ask parents to let their children explore > libraries' contents without any restrictions. It sponsors a Banned > Books Week every year, with displays such as the banned-book table at > the Arlington Central Library in Northern Virginia. About 20 books were > lined up below a poster of Mark Twain behind bars, ...BEHIND GAY BARS!!! > as his "Huckleberry Finn" has been deemed too racist or sexist by various > groups. To say nothing about the fact that it's obviously gay because that bar was named "Rubyfruit" and he's named "Huckleberry". If you don't believe me, look at Huckleberry Hound, who is PASTEL BLUE, and PASTEL is the color of gay pride! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go try to figure out which of the Teletubbies are gay because clearly SOME but not ALL of them are. > In its monthly "Censorship Watch" column, the January 1998 issue > of American Libraries included a disapproving note on efforts to ban > "Daddy's Wedding," a sequel to the homosexual-friendly "Daddy's > Roommate" in Allen County, Ind. The magazine was unhappy that Indiana > state Sen. Dick Worman was trying to get it off the shelves. Maybe Senator Dick Worman will do like Pee-wee Herman and try to get it off in court. > The battle continued this spring. Chester High School in Chester, > S.C., has been fighting a parent who has gathered 1,000 signatures to > remove the novel "Beginner's Love" by Norma Klein from its stacks. The > book has been accused of having objectionable language and graphic sex. What is this world coming to? There's never before been a book with a dirty word in it! Next thing you know, respected authors like Kurt Vonnegut Jr. will be drawing pictures of underpants in their books to save us the trouble! > The state attorney general has informed the Chester County School Board > the book can be removed without violating the First Amendment. > "Because of the taciturnity associated with librarians and > libraries, not much attention has been given to this," Mr. Herring > says. "And now they're into this insanity like no Internet filtering. > If you have a young child and you send them to the public library, > there's nothing to prevent them from hopping on line and looking at > everything under the sun." Except for the fact that there is a waiting line nine hours long to use the broken slow computers sharing the bandwidth of one modem. -- K. Eagerly awaiting Don Saklad's answer on the secret hot dogs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why don't the Dutch ever close the curtains? Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 22:27:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In soc.history, soc.history.medieval, soc.history.moderated, soc.history.science, and soc.history.what-if, Malle Pietje (mallepietje01@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Why do most of the Dutch never close their curtains and why have Dutch > houses have such large windows? TO KEEP THEIR PANTS UP! AND THESE "DUTCH DOORS", WHAT'S UP WITH THEM? AND "DUTCH OVENS"! AND HEY, WHAT ABOUT THOSE WOODEN SHOES? AND AMISH PEOPLE? I BET THE AMISH PEOPLE HAVE NEVER EVEN TASTED AIRLINE FOOD! THANK YOU, YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE! > Has it something to do with the Reformation? I mean that in the 16th and > 17th century the Dutch didn't close their curtains because they wanted to > show the outside world that they had nothing to hide and didn't commit > sinful acts? > > I, myself a Dutchman, am very curious what the origin is of this tradition. I want to know why they bother buying curtains in the first place. -- K. Actually, the Dutch just never close their curtains so that they'll never again be fooled by The Wizard of Oz. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.edu,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Georgia Tech; Portals to God; AP's SCIENCE RELIGION ODYSSEY Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 22:39:53 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.edu, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Georgia Tech) > > I was informed at the library entrance that I have only 30 > minutes on GT computers and so I may be kicked off this > computer before finishing the post. Golly, it's too bad the King of Science can't figure out how to tell us that he likes marzipan in less than 30 minutes. > I decided not to "have an adventure" by going out to Laredo > Texas and guzzle down 2 liters of Poland Spring Water to > have a lasting experience of desert dry hot and thirst and > quenching my thirst with the very best water quencher in the > world (in my opinion) of Poland Spring Water with its > carbonation. SYNTAX ERROR: Somewhere between "I decided" and "its carbonation", impossible to determine location due to complexity of sentence-like block of blather Also, if Archie thinks Poland Spring water is carbonated, I hate to think what he'd think of 7-Up, which is ACTUALLY carbonated. "YIIIEEE! I PULLED THE TAB AND THE CAN ALMOST EXPLODED! AND IT'S GOT SOLID GLOBS OF BUBBLES WHICH ARE TRYING TO GO UP MY NOSE AND FIND MY BRAIN!" > I decided against because my Europe tour is approaching The Archie strategy: Just wait for Europe to come to you! > and I do not want to get too far away from Halifax. > And also, it is no longer summer in Laredo Texas for the full > effect. Archie discovers a previously unknown effect, at least to him: Summer are hot. Also, tap water are fizzy. Fire burn! > And also, I know the South least well of all the regions > of the USA, I don't know, I'd say it's a tie with Everywhere Else. > and this time provides me with more experience of > the US South. > > I arrived in Atlanta and took the train subway out to Georgia > Tech but was delayed for more than 20 minutes because the > presidential motorcade on the Expressway. Speaking of which, there was a Presidential debate at Dartmouth college a few days ago. I notice they were just waiting for you to leave so they could hold it. (Helps them reduce security costs -- this way they just had to watch the tops of the buildings and not also patrol the local candy stores.) > I remarked to a > passenger near me that this was a "legacy of JFK" and that if > the president wanted to, he could really throw a snafu in any > city by just driving around it for the day. Why, the president > could put NYC at a standstill just with his driving around. Yeah! The President shouldn't be allowed to drive his own car! > Finally got to the Georgia Tech campus around 4:30pm and I would > guess that GT is the campus of the US that is the closest to a > major Expressway, for the campus is adjacent to I-75. > > I have relaxed myself in the past 3 days with almost sleeping > in a motel room for about 2 days. I hope they didn't charge you much if you were just sleeping in the parking lot. > I feel really good now, not > that anything was wrong but that I just wanted peace and quiet > and alot of sleep. I had no computer access and read some more > of the book I brung with me of FOUR PRAGMATISTS by Scheffler. > And I watched a little news on the TV. And I did some swimming in > in the Ocean. While you're on your tour of trying to swim in all the oceans for science, be sure to visit Yellowstone Park and take a dip in Old Faithful. > I am going to start a thread of writing which I hope or believe > will become some of my most beautiful writing, (not writing but > thoughts), Oh, so they won't be as coherent as the literature you normally scrawl. > my most beautiful thoughts ever computer-penned by > me. I would compare this thread to the Handel WaterMusic and > Messiah thoughts of Archimedes Plutonium. I roughly have a > name for this thread in mind but may change it for a better one > if I should come across a better name. But for the moment I > will call it Portals or Windows to the Lord Almighty. > > Yes, Portals/Windows to The Lord Almighty. Handel's Messiah brings > a sort of emotional collapse or surrender and like other elevating > religious works of art they bring a elation or a twinkle of a > tear emotion in one's eyes. I believe and hope that my series > of thoughts on Portals/Windows to the Lord Almighty yields the > same emotional force in readers as does Handel's Messiah. Yeah, reading your stuff is like being punched in the gut after eating a lot of marzipan. -- K. There should also be earthipan and uranusipan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,sci.physics.electromag,sci.physics.particle,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Golden Mean number 1.618.... Is it unique to 5f6 of plutonium? Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 23:08:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.math, sci.physics.electromag, and sci.physics.particle, Phil Carmody (carmody@cpd.ntc.nokia.com) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > Quite simple. Look at the last electrons of each of the chemical > > elements and try to get phi, the golden mean number uniquely. If the > > universe is a Plutonium Atom Totality then phi is unique to only the > > chemical element plutonium. > > Somebody's been eating too many red couloured smarties... Phil, do you mean American Smarties (which are little pastel-colored disks of 100% sugar with no flavor) or Canadian Smarties, which are little chocolates with a hard shell (like American M&Ms)? I feel it is vitally important to find out what kind of candy Archie Plutonium has been eating, because he never tells us. -- K. I doubt he really likes Smarties. He's probably been eating Dummies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Halloweenie costumes Date: Sat, 30 Oct 1999 23:30:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > I was looking at the new Star Wars Episode Wan costumes at the store > last night. And I was thinking "wow. Cheap, yet decent!" I won't ask what you thought when you got to the WebTV display in the K-Mart. > I think this because I'm immediately sent back in time to my 4th grade > class and remembering when Craig Beaumont came dressed up as Darth Vader. > Star Wars had come out the previous year, so the classroom was filled > with tiny little Princesses, Wookies, Jawas, and lots of Lukes and > Hans. All of them were wielding those plastic lightsabres that, after > being smacked one or two times, were scarred with a permanent bend in > the middle. But all of their costumes were home-made, with real > fabric. How do you make a plastic light-saber from fabric? Oh, right, seventies, polyester. Never mind. > So Craig comes in wearing his Darth Vader costume. Firstly, it had > one of those old paper masks. The kind with the eyeholes that bored > into your eye cavity and left red bloody rings after a day of wear. > The body of the costume was a plastic poncho that was bright yellow > and had a drawing of Vader's body on the front. Only the poncho only > went down to Craig's knees. So the artist drew the entire body of > Vader onto the poncho, and this made Craig look like he was wearing a > bib with some superdeformed Darth Vader body on the front of it. > And on the back, just in case you still weren't sure who he was, was > big lettering explaining it for you: > STAR WARS: DARTH VADER, DARK LORD OF THE SITH! > So it wasn't so much a costume, per se, as it was a kind of Lucasfilm > kind of walking billboard thing with a painful torture headpiece. > I think I offered to make Craig a costume the following year. I would have just worn a T-shirt with "THIS IS A DARTH VADER COSTUME" written on it in magic marker. -- K. Or "DARTH VADER SWITCHED YOUR COSTUME WITH MINE." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Halloweenie costumes Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 04:27:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I recently wrote: > > I would have just worn a T-shirt with "THIS IS A DARTH VADER COSTUME" > written on it in magic marker. > > Or "DARTH VADER SWITCHED YOUR COSTUME WITH MINE." Okay, let me put it to the Peanut Gallery: --> What's the worst Halloween costume you've ever actually seen? and --> What's the worst Halloween costume you can imagine? Here are my answers, at least until I think of better ones: 1. On the bus today there was a guy whose costume consisted of the fact that he had a little doll's hand sticking out one of his sleeves, said sleeve somewhat concealing his real hand. The doll's hand was very dirty, implying he had just found it in the street. 2. In fifth grade, my friend Fred told me he planned to make himself an ameba costume -- he was going to put a sheet over himself and glue lots of junk to it. (The two of us made robot costumes instead. I think that may have been the last time I went trick-or-treating.) It's a shame Fred didn't make his costume so that all the neighbors could say, "What are you, a ghost covered in garbage?" Although I'll probably be able to imagine a worse costume if I think hard enough. -- K. Next Halloween I want to be an abstract representation of the concept of synergy, and green. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Halloweenie costumes Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 05:47:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Two days ago (October 29), Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > So Craig comes in wearing his Darth Vader costume. Firstly, it had > one of those old paper masks. The kind with the eyeholes that bored > into your eye cavity and left red bloody rings after a day of wear. > The body of the costume was a plastic poncho that was bright yellow > and had a drawing of Vader's body on the front. Only the poncho only > went down to Craig's knees. So the artist drew the entire body of > Vader onto the poncho, and this made Craig look like he was wearing a > bib with some superdeformed Darth Vader body on the front of it. Dear Leah Verre -- Please stop ripping off scenes from "The Simpsons" Halloween specials two days before they broadcast them with your secret ability to steal the brainwaves of "Simpsons" producers with your electronium hat that harnesses the awesome power of sunspots to generate cognitive radiation. Because you did not post "SPOILERS <--THIS IS A SPOILER WARNING!" above your account, you ruined the scene where Bart complains to Milhouse about how the real Radioactive Man doesn't wear a plastic bib with a little picture of himself on it, thus destroying the whole episode for me. Although I decided I still liked it anyway because there was an extended "Space: 1999" reference that probably six or seven other people in the country caught. ("Operation Exodus" was Martin Landau's secret plan to evacuate the Moon, which was put into effect -- and then cancelled -- about twenty times, before "Space: 1999" was cancelled. No word on whether Lord Grade had a cool code-name for cancelling "Space: 1999".) So, Leah, in return for your spoiling "The Simpsons" Halloween special for me, I'm going to spoil the current issue of "The National Enquirer" for you: "VANNA'S MARRIAGE EXPLODES!" "AL GORE'S DIET IS MAKING HIM STUPID!" -- K. I'm glad they finally discovered a new way to make fun of Al Gore. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Halloweenie costumes Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 00:47:01 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Speaking of weenie costumes, Do you mean Boston-style or ones sliced the normal way? > I bought Harlan $3 devil outfit consisting of horns and cape. > Hey, it was THREE DOLLARS. > > He won't wear the horns though, and the stapler isn't working. So I > guess he'll just be a superhero this year. > > So what's a good superhero name? > > --Terrori Here is my list of my favorite superheroes. You may purchase the rights to any of these for $3.50. Jellyfish Man Guy who can settle McDonalds vs Burger King arguments The Incredible Factoid Helium Boy Guy who can fold anything in thirds exactly on the first try The Bob Hope Biographer Refrigerator Closer Woman Guy who can dress Barbie dolls really fast Trend Forecaster Barbie The Human Wedgie Power Mecium Guy who remembers whether Potsie was on Happy Days or Murphy Brown The Radioactive Lentil Mr. Thixotropic Sitcom Canceller Male Girl Fallout Shelter Finder Underwater Urinator Mighty Moronic Bozo Nosers Super Alex Trebek, host of Super Jeopardy Right-Justified Man Guy who is unaffected by painkillers Soft Fluffy Man Guy who can install carpet Inedible Man These are all comic books I am planning to publish. They're called "comic books" because it's funny when Superman punches a guy in the face. -- K. POW! HA HA HA HA! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: from a real suicide victim Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 00:10:28 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > If I ever am reported dead of autoerotic asphyxiation, I hope you > all don't think it's real. Okay, let's make this multiple choice: Joe Bay, please sort these into descending order of preferernce: 1) Autoerotic asphyxia involving pantyhose 2) Drowning in a toilet 3) Dying of constipation 4) Falling into a volcano filled with That's Not Lava!(tm) 5) Suffocating by being wrapped in selenium 6) Opening a bottle of bleach to release a genie who is made of chlorine gas so you die when you inhale him while thinking about your wishes 7) Being run over by Fred Flintstone's car 8) Being beaten to death by Wally Cox 9) Swallowing a live goldfish which survives in your stomach and gets so fat that your whole body explodes 10) Posing nude for Playgirl and dying of embarassment I would just like to point out that some of those are actual celebrity deaths (one was a member of Parliament, if that counts, and one was the cover story for an even more embarassing death) but I made up #4. You can't buy That's Not Lava!(tm), I've tried. I also tried making my own by melting down lots of fluorescent red Crayolas and stirring in lots of melted cheez, but I don't think it worked because I couldn't get it hot enough to eat its way to the core of the Earth where I wanted to keep it until I needed it. When you're done sorting that list into order, and you've picked your favorite, please return the other nine to the pile in case someone else wants them. -- K. I want to die in an earthquake at a Lego theme park. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ZOIKS! signing-off for a while Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 00:18:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Dan Collins (dcollins@macroent.com) wrote: > KAZOOZOOFLUP! Genetically Enhanced Kontext-Away (Now Flushable And Won't Hurt Other People's Pipes!) blasts away offending context and blueberry stains! > I found Frankenberry. HE-OR-SHE-OR-IT-BANG! Kontext-Away shrivels up into a disposable glob that can fit into any mailbox and is difficult to lose due to its extreme odor! Dan, I think that if you had said that twenty years ago it would have been THE coolest bumper sticker to have. But I think "I FOUND IT!" has gone the way of "BABY ON BOARD" only sooner, and not even adding Frankenberry to it can bring it back. Anyway, once I invent a time machine for the sake of Frankenberry-inspired bumper sticker parodies, I'll travel back to the seventies and start selling "I FOUND FRANKENBERRY!" bumper stickers through the back of "National Lampoon" magazine and I'll split the profits with you once I deduct your share of the time machine. Also, BooBerry is better because it has special powers which are evident only in the human intestine. -- K. Sort of like the opposite of Quaker Tweed Bran. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I just realised Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 00:24:12 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > M. Otis Beard managed to OFFEND a large part of alt.religion.kibology. > > That is quite an achievement. What would I have to do to top that? Make out with Bea Arthur on your TV when you're trying to watch the Super Bowl? Secretly replace Windows and Mac OS with Atari TOS? Cancel "Star Trek" again? Develop a bomb that destroys all food except for Hamdingers? Make a live-action "Bullwinkle" movie featuring Robert DeNiro? Smell like cheese? -- K. I should go get some of those cheeseless White Castles before they stop making them and I am forced to buy Hamdingers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: All Dentists Should Have These!!!!!! Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 00:35:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Echo" (brian@bridgetounderstanding.com) wrote: > > Flavored exam gloves!!! The taste of mint! Cherry! Lemon-Lime? They should taste like bacon and be CRUNCHY! > Who knows how to make gloves? Companies with names like "Playtex" and "Rubbermaid". Such names would include "Rubberotica", "Gummikrankenschwester", and "Bondage Butler". I love saying "Playtex". "WHEE! THESE DISH GLOVES ARE FOR PLAYING!" And "Rubbermaid". "OWNING THIS PLASTIC DISH RACK IS JUST LIKE BEING SERVICED BY A NUBILE YOUNG FRENCH MAID IN A STRETCHY GROPE SUIT!" Someday I'd like to find out which one adopted their name first, because the presence of two fetishistic names for brands of dishwashing supplies suggests that perhaps one thought of something clever and then the other one said "We better jump onto the kinky dishwashing bandwagon!" > We'll be rich! Yeah, 'cause gloves are the most expensive thing in the dentist's office! -- K. If you go to a dentist who doesn't wear gloves, fillings cost three bucks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What I Want for Christmas Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 01:07:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > Exploding paper. Specifically, printer paper that will > explode with that green dye that banks give to stupid > robbers. So I can find out who keeps taking my printouts. > > Dammit. Why not print out a coupon which says "MAIL THIS, AND WIN A FREE PROJECTION TV! FILL IN YOUR NAME AND PHONE NUMBER: ________" Wait for the mail to arrive. Then, when you know where they live, go over there and spray 'em with the green dye. (I saw vials of the green dye spray in the 99c store, so you can permanently disfigure him for under a dollar.) -- K. They also had lots of those new Y2K-compliant Tootsie Roll banks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Remember When? Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 01:15:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Remember when: > > Drugstores used to sell comic books? Remember when drugstores used to sell crack before they made it illegal? > Knight Rider was on? Yes, but I don't remember any TV shows after that. Except "Knight Rider 2000", "Automan", "Viper", and that Barbie aerobics video. > Transformers were cool? Back when they were filled with PCB contaminated with dioxins? > Baseball cards was a kid's hobby? Which kid? > You could spend hours in a fantasy world and no one called you nuts? Especially back in the Middle Ages! You could walk around pretending to be in the Middle Ages all day and nobody would even notice! > You woke up at 7, got ready for school then realized it was 7 PM? I'm sure it is _somewhere_. > G.I.Joe was on the air? YO JOE! That's nothing. I remember the "Sad Sack" TV series from the early 1940s, in which the punchline was always "...and Spam tastes FUBAR!" Which was ironic given that at the time all television programs were sponsored by Spam. That was, of course, before all broadcasting ceased due to the war, and then when they resumed afterwards people thought television was a "new" thing. > You could open up a window and not be faced with a screen? Remember when you could look at your screen and it didn't have Windows? > You locked yourself in the downstairs bathroom? (Wait, that was me). Remember when you locked Lots42 in the downstairs bathroom? > You could fit in those McDonald land play sets? Wait... I can't? Who says? I'll bet you a dollar I can still go through all the tubes unless some kid threw up in there. Which they do a lot at McDonalds. -- K. Why do little kids vomit all the time? Are they related to cats? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Is it just me? Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 01:36:21 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com [re the M. Otis-versus-many-people-who-admitted-to-crying-and-are-now- mad-at-him-for-not-being-dead flamewar] "R#PtR" (peter_willard@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Michael "Jaffo" Duff (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > > > Or am I waaaaay too curious about what Kibo is going to say > > about this? > > Why should he say anything? It's not his fault. I hope he just > ignores this event and makes more fun of a certain king of > sciences -- and maybe tells us about his last journey to a > grocery, packy, or supermarket. What's a packy? Is it like Pocky? > > If there's a way to make this funny, he'll find it. But I > > can't predict how. > > It's pretty funny just how it is. Who was the person who complained, about a week ago, that a.r.k didn't have enough posts in it? WELL I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW! -- K. I won't take sides in this matter because people are mad at M. Otis for tricking them into crying just to give him attention, so if I took sides and said what I think of the whole matter I would probably make M. Otis cry, and then two or three people would be mad at me the way hundreds of people are mad at Otis. That said, I also feel that the people on the other side are going a little overboard (it takes two sides to get a flamewar to last more than a day) so I reserve the right to mock both sides until everyone just throws up their hands and agrees that M. Otis did something stupid to get attention, which he is now getting, so I'm going to play the Godwin card and invoke this thread's self-destruct meme: M. OTIS, YOU'RE A HUNDRED TIMES WORSE THAN HITLER, AND UNLIKE HIM, YOU'RE NOT EVEN DEAD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lost Prophets Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 02:35:58 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com [more fallout from the "M. Otis fakes his death for fun" thread] Andrew Jeanes (ajeanes@tracer.consecol.org) wrote: > > A number of years ago I wrote a not-since-updated web page entitled > the "Lost Prophets of Kibology". At the time I'd been reading the > group for a little over three years, and I'd noticed an interesting > phenomenon that didn't seem to apply in any of the other newsgroups I > frequented: > > People came back. They left, stopped posting for whatever reason, and > then weeks or months or years later they came back. [...] > Regardless, I have taken great assurance that if there was ever someone > on this group whose words mattered to me, I'd only to wait around long > enough and more of those words would come. > > [...] > > People maybe forget that while there is no shortage of goofing on this > group, there's plenty of real anger, pain, sadness and joy too. Maybe > Kibo would prefer it if this were just a joke newsgroup and nothing > more. I've only met him once and he's a hard guy to gauge on things > like that, so I don't know. Y'could ask. I am happy to see serious discussions on alt.religion.kibology. I am happy to see wacky discussions on alt.religion.kibology. I just don't like endless two-person tete-a-tete flamewars that people don't realize are totally uninteresting to anyone except the two people flaming each other, nor do I like the boneheads who simply try to see how big a flamewar they can start by cross-posting flamebait to a whole lot of easily-inflamed newsgroups. But nobody's really in charge here. And even if someone were, the nature of alt.religion.kibology is such that if "rules" were posted, some of us would be MORE likely to behave in the contrary manner because they don't like rules, or because they could do something interesting by bending the rules, or because the mocking authority is a necessary right that must be exercised to stay healthily satirical. Basically, some people seem to have internalized The Rules as "post anything you want" and others are using "people should only be allowed to post stuff which is funny." And I don't feel you can be funny without also having the foundation to actually introduce serious topics, or to spawn a serious discussion sparked by some off-the-cuff wacky remark. Basically, humor without any serious component can't ever rise to a serious intellectual level, so you're left with chimps throwing pies and are never terribly surprised. Or offended. The rule I use for my articles is "Will this article be interesting to at least a large fraction of the thousands of people reading this newsgroup?" It might be because I think it will be entertaining, it might be because I think it will be interesting, it might be that it might provoke a reaction that will be interesting to all. But I try to avoid anything which will be relevant to only one or two people (that's what E-mail is for) or anything with no worthwhile content (which is why occasionally I will tack something wacky onto a serious article or vice versa, so that I'll have something with broader appeal, and a long enough length that nobody says "What? I opened A WHOLE WINDOW just to see A LOUSY PUN?") Basically, the people I auto-select to read first are those who always post stuff which is either intellectually stimulating or wackily entertaining. The people I don't read very much are those who are essentially run up to the edge of a hole, yell something into it, and run away -- those who are more interesting in talking than in being worth listening to. (It may surprise people, but the primary reason I post so much to alt.religion.kibology is that I like to read the followups. That was why I always used to search for my name when I was roaming around all of Usenet before there was alt.religion.kibology -- I'd drop into random groups and try to find something silly to say and then I wanted to be able to find all the responses later.) So, what it boils down to is, (a) I don't think you can have humorous discussion without having the ability to discuss serious issues within the same community, and (b) I don't think you can have humorous discussion without having the ability to have a discussion. I.e. this sort of discourse has, as a fundamental underpinning, the fact that all topics are "fair game" (as are all moods, all styles, etc., whatever the medium will actually carry) and that those people whose writings are the most worthwhile tend to also be receptive to two-way discussion. What "what it all boils down to is" boils down to is, "You're allowed!" It's just that there are some things that I feel are more fun to read (and to participate in) than others. (OF COURSE! DUH! And of course your own judgments will be different from mine.) The only times I tend to speak out like this are when people are agitating over what is or is not "on-topic" for alt.religion.kibology (just out of curiosity, what IS the topic of alt.religion.kibology?) or when the group starts to fill up with something which I estimate most people would like to go away. (No, we're not near that point, but there have been cases in the past -- such as the massive alt.religion.kibology vs. rec.org.mensa flamewar -- where I've spoken up and asked people to stop drowning out the content with the white noise.) DAMMIT, I WANTED TO GO TO THE MARKET AN HOUR AGO AND YOU TRICKED ME INTO WRITING A LONG SERIOUS FOLLOWUP, MISTER JEANES! YOU'RE THE MEANEST GUY WHO EVER LIVED! I HOPE YOU FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH SO THAT EVERYONE WILL BE REALLY MAD AT YOU! > Anyway, it doesn't matter because there's > no shortage of other regulars who've chosen to make this group a > community whether it ought to be or not. alt.religion.kibology has always been a community. It would only cease being a community if people were posting without reading, or vice versa. There are many people who read without posting -- and that's fine (especially as the group wouldn't work if all the thousands of people posted constantly!) but the basic principle is that people _react_ to other people (and occasionally _provoke_ other people.) Because it's not simply a wall for tacking up stories you wrote, or a place to get the latest press releases, it's a place which naturally has an ever-fluctuating group dynamic: a.r.k is really a sort of club. It meets constantly, it's highly informal, and people show up or don't show up as suits them. But of course some people show up regularly or frequently, and may have better things to do at times. I think anything which encourages participation encourages repeat visits ("I want to see what she said in regards to what I said regarding what she said") and thus you have a community as people come to know one another and de facto "celebrities" emerge. Me, I got the Special Seat. I'm the guy the newsgroup was named after. Other than that, I have no special powers and my opinions are no more valid than anyone else's. But people should continue treating me as if they were. ESPECIALLY THOSE OF YOU WHO FORGOT TO SEND BIRTHDAY PRESENTS! (I'm "prominent" enough in alt.religion.kibology that I always have to watch what I say. For instance, I haven't said why I was out of town last week because I worry that it could seriously warp the group for a while, and would bring me attention of a kind I wouldn't enjoy right now, so I'm working on letting it filter out a little at a time. I do try to hide nothing from "my" newsgroup, though, because -- this sounds really egotistical -- I like reading my own stuff five years later [I can't remember the stuff I wrote last MONTH, so all this stuff surprises me when I read it much later] and I consider my archive of my own postings to contain my journal -- among many other things -- so, like Archie, when something important happens I like to document it for my own future benefit. Admit it, how many of you folks read things you wrote years ago and say, "I wonder who posted this under my name? I sure don't remember it! Wow, the guy who wrote this writes exactly the kind of stuff I want to read!") > I'm not even a frequent > enough poster to consider myself a regular, yet I still get the odd > email from rone or Leah or whoever, and somehow feel like I'm part of > the ARK, despite the low production. Everyone who posts even once is part of alt.religion.kibology if you say something that people will remember. Heck, even the people who only _read_ the newsgroup are participants in my opinion -- even though you don't know their names, you can assume there are thousands of people similar to the ones you DO see, so I write with the mindset of "I'm writing for many people along the lines of Andrew Jeanes" rather than "I'm writing a note just for Andrew Jeanes, which I could do via E-mail." (Actually, I'm not sure who my imaginary reader is when I write -- me in the future? Matt McIrvin? The reporters digging into my past when I commit mass murder in 2007? People who like seeing the word "nougat" inserted into sentences for no reason?) > [...] > > All of which is to say that I don't think Motis could have or would > have come to the ARK for help, even if there was help here to be given > (and don't think I doubt for a minute that a half dozen people would > have been on the road or in the air within hours of his cry for help > if he gave one). I don't know M. Otis well enough to make even a vague guess whether I think he would tell thousands of people his innermost thoughts. Some people tell a.r.k everything. Some people have an a.r.k "persona" which is wholly disjoint from their "real life". Some of us are very open to a.r.k but still reserve certain things for ourselves. We have to be very careful of trying to guess how a person will behave with regard to a.r.k, which is as difficult a task as guessing how the group will behave when someone says something. We also have to worry about what will happen if we worry about this too much. NOUGAT!!! -- K. BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE NOUGAT ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lost Prophets Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 02:46:01 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > [212-line rant about what's good and bad about alt.religion.kibology] I just wanted to add that this is what's called, on certain other newsgroups, a "core dump". (That's originally a UNIX term referring to when your program blows up, it saves everything it's thinking to a file for later dissection, and so it seems a very nice term for "I just needed to unload some stuff I was thinking about which had emotions attached.") We now return you to our regularly scheduled wackies, except for me, because I need to go to the market RIGHT NOW! -- K. MUST BUY FOOD! One type of food is... NOUGAT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The newsgroup needs this. Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 02:38:39 GMT Priority: Super-Nuclear-Ultimate-Awesome Top-Level Duper-Tuple Priority Organization: www.kibo.com I just want to say... I LOVE YOU ALL! Even the ones of you who haven't been constantly sending me presents for no reason. -- K. And will someone tell me where I put those Jabberwocky tapes I'm supposed to mail Leah? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.pets.dogs.behavior From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dog Behavioral Study Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 04:14:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > OK, here is a little something for your files. > > Just brought home a doggy bag from the Mexican rester aunt, and here are > the items in order of preference, according to Subject X (this being a > blind study, Subject X must remain anonymous): > > 1. The chicken from the gordita > 2. The dollop of sour cream > 3. The ground beef with chips and tomato (eat around the tomato) > 4. The refried beans (eat around the tomato) > 5. The quacamole (half) > > Leftovers: 2 slices of tomato, 4 tablespoons (approx) quacamole. > > I hope this data will be useful to you. > > Regards, > > --Terri and Subject X Let's see, what "Mexican" "restaurant" serves gorditas? TERRI, YOU SICKO, STOP BEING CRUEL TO YOUR POOR WIDDLE PUPPY! TACO BELL "FOOD" IS BARELY FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION, LET ALONE HARLAN'S SENSITIVE STOMACH! STOP PERFORMING YOUR PERVERTED EXPERIMENTS ON YOUR DOG IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE! -- K. But it would be okay to perform someone ELSE'S perverted experiments on someone ELSE'S dog in the name of ANYTHING BUT SCIENCE. P.S. I'm glad you tried the new duck taco with the "quacamole". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What are you sitting on? Date: Sun, 31 Oct 1999 04:55:01 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Samantha Wilkinson (sammie@world.std.com) wrote: > > Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > > > Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > What are you sitting on? I have this high backed grey chair with > > > three wheels and the abillity to spin. Does it only spin when you pull the brake handle? If so, it's a Big Wheel plastic tricycle, the deluxe version with dangerous spin-out action. > > > If your chair doesn't spin you need to seriously reaxmine your life. > > > > I'm sitting on a Sit 'n Spin. I WIN! > > Matt and I were at my parents' house this weekend going through old > family photographs. At some point someone dredged up the series of > photos of four-year-old Sam sitting on a Sit n' Spin -- completely > naked. I am only posting this followup so that I can quote all that without using an "X-No-Archive:" header. > In retrospect, some of the pictures could be interpreted the > wrong way if someone were so minded, especially the ones of me sitting > on the top of the Sit n' Spin rather than on the actual seat. Yes, but were you spinning? I like the fact that your parents must've said, "Look! She's sitting on the Sit'N'Spin the wrong way! Naked! Get the camera!" > Of course, this is an improvement over the picture of me which typified > the awkward adolescent nerd stage AYYYY, NERD, SIT ON IT AND ROTATE! WHOA! (In elementary school we always said "Sit on it... and rotate!" and I have no idea where it came from. "Sit'n'spin" is a lot better.) > or the Halloween picture for which I had to carefully explain to > people that I was dressed as an old lady, and no, those weren't > black eyes, they were *wrinkles*. I hear those wrinkles get better if you put a raw steak on them. -- K. Did you also have one of those Ruth Buzzi hair nets that made little kids think you were a Klingon? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: At last I have found my moral compass! Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 05:50:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com At last I have found my moral compass! Now I realize that Eskimos are always good and penguins are always evil. -- K. Now I can blow up the world without feeling guilty 'cause I'm perfectly satisfied that I have a moral compass. Also I demand to be given a position of power now because nobody but politicans uses the bozotic phrase "moral compass", therefore I must have been elected. Give me one of those burgundy leather chairs NOW! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fictional Mayor of Boston gets his pants stolen Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 06:15:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I vote 'The Destroyer', a star of a series of action books as the > Kibological action hero. Imagine a guy with the toned down abillities > of a good guy from 'Matrix', I assume you don't mean the recent movie based on a comic book but are instead referencing the much cooler "Doctor Who" thing that looked like a title card from "Boris Karloff's Thriller" seen while five hundred pigeons were sitting on your government-taxed telly aerial. Oh, and it needs a ripply picture of a woman with a fake Australian accent floating in front of it, and an "All Creatures Great & Small" character running around with green Rice Krispies glued all over his face. Now THAT'S sci-fi! I mean the part about the Rice Krispies being green. They were SPACE RICE KRISPIES! Green means SPACE. > the political beliefs of Rush Limbaugh and the psychosis of the Unabomber. "UNABOMer", dammit, "UNABOMer". There's no "B" in "bomb" because the FBI's awesome computer only accepts six-letter filenames. I think they plan to upgrade it sometime around 2005, around the time they make it Y2K-compliant. > I bought one of these 'Destroyer' books just for the heck of it. A bad > guy manages to get his personal army into Hollywood. By any chance, was this book written by Bent Corydon and L. Ron Hubbard Junior? > Anywho, in the beginning of the story, Our Hero hypnotizes the mayor of > Boston and literally drags him into the middle of a fair celebrating > the drug underground. You know, one of those highly-publicized underground events. > The hero is mad because this legal fair has had all the druggies crawl > out of the woodwork. ...and under his skin and then turn into spiders made of purple fire. > He drags the mayor around the fair and lectures him. Our Hero also kills > a dealer with a gun when the dealer threatens Our Hero. Then the mayor is > left behind, still dazed and confused and a bunch of punks steal his pants. I once saw a great photo from just after World War II where the Russians had captured Hitler's pants and were burning Hitler's pants so that no neo-Nazis would be able to wear Hitler's evil pants. I think the same thing should be done to Mayor Menino's pants to stop punks from rallying around his pants as they plot to spent the Boston Public Library's secret slush fund on a solid brass toilet-shaped information kiosk that refuses to give Don Saklad any useful information because it's a city information kiosk and therefore contains no useful information for anyone else, either. -- K. At least he didn't let his son party with dad's re-election campaign fund's credit card unlike a certain former mayor whose name was alphabetically between RAX FLYNM and RAZ FLYNO.