Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Halloweenie costumes Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 05:47:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Two days ago (October 29), Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > So Craig comes in wearing his Darth Vader costume. Firstly, it had > one of those old paper masks. The kind with the eyeholes that bored > into your eye cavity and left red bloody rings after a day of wear. > The body of the costume was a plastic poncho that was bright yellow > and had a drawing of Vader's body on the front. Only the poncho only > went down to Craig's knees. So the artist drew the entire body of > Vader onto the poncho, and this made Craig look like he was wearing a > bib with some superdeformed Darth Vader body on the front of it. Dear Leah Verre -- Please stop ripping off scenes from "The Simpsons" Halloween specials two days before they broadcast them with your secret ability to steal the brainwaves of "Simpsons" producers with your electronium hat that harnesses the awesome power of sunspots to generate cognitive radiation. Because you did not post "SPOILERS <--THIS IS A SPOILER WARNING!" above your account, you ruined the scene where Bart complains to Milhouse about how the real Radioactive Man doesn't wear a plastic bib with a little picture of himself on it, thus destroying the whole episode for me. Although I decided I still liked it anyway because there was an extended "Space: 1999" reference that probably six or seven other people in the country caught. ("Operation Exodus" was Martin Landau's secret plan to evacuate the Moon, which was put into effect -- and then cancelled -- about twenty times, before "Space: 1999" was cancelled. No word on whether Lord Grade had a cool code-name for cancelling "Space: 1999".) So, Leah, in return for your spoiling "The Simpsons" Halloween special for me, I'm going to spoil the current issue of "The National Enquirer" for you: "VANNA'S MARRIAGE EXPLODES!" "AL GORE'S DIET IS MAKING HIM STUPID!" -- K. I'm glad they finally discovered a new way to make fun of Al Gore. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: At last I have found my moral compass! Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 05:50:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com At last I have found my moral compass! Now I realize that Eskimos are always good and penguins are always evil. -- K. Now I can blow up the world without feeling guilty 'cause I'm perfectly satisfied that I have a moral compass. Also I demand to be given a position of power now because nobody but politicans uses the bozotic phrase "moral compass", therefore I must have been elected. Give me one of those burgundy leather chairs NOW! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: At last I have found my moral compass! Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 05:31:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Bill Morganthaler (billmorg78@hotmail.com) wrote: > FOOM! KONTEXT-AWAY DOES SOMETHING! > [...] > > MY Usenet posts are INTERESTING. > > [...] FOOP! KONTEXT-AWAY STOPS DOING ANYTHING! Oh yeah? Well, at least *I* don't go around inventing machines that squirt molten metal into the open palms of typographers in the nineteenth century! -- K. And what kind of name is "Ottmar" anyway? Sounds like a factory- reject Canadian province where everyone was required to speak an odd mixture of German and "etaoin shrdlu". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Title Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 05:56:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > > > David Pacheco wrote in message ... > > > > > > I like the fact that there's > > > a book in the Bible called "Amos" > > > > Unfortunately, the book of Andy was edited out. > > Don't you hate it when you make a wonderfully subtle joke, and then have > some bonehead come back and cleverly let you in on just how wonderfully > subtle it is? I don't get it. What does this have to do with M. Otis trying to fool people into thinking he had slashed his wrists so that he could yell at them for having the nerve to cry against his will? Oh, wait, you called him a "bonehead". Never mind. Except I still don't get the part about "Amos" and "Andy". -- K. 'Cause I don't understand black humor. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Title Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 05:03:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Clancy Dalebout (fleegix@shell2.aracnet.com) wrote: > > > > Who's Otis? > > The inventor of the automatic elevator brake, a safety device which made > elevators safe and practical until all knowledge of it was lost to > civilization in the year 2324 (stardate 1326.5), whereupon elevators once > again became the third most dangerous transportation mode in the universe, > after the beam transporter, and any spaceship containing a holodeck. > > At this point the automatic elevator brake was replaced by a huge, > candy-like "stop" button that could be used to hold up the elevator if you > wanted to have a long argument over your desire to explore your Borg > ethnicity, or kill somebody. But "Star Trek: The Next Generation" took place around 2317, before then! And because elevators on "TNG" were always malfunctioning, your argument is silly! Also, they had four-digit stardates by then. 1326.5 would have been somewhere during the early first season of the original series, back when Kirk was the only one to wear a wig and Scotty the only one to wear a back brace and Chekov was still a friend of Harlan Ellison's! So please try to get your facts straight from now on when talking about exploring my Borg ethnicity. -- K. There are spaceships that DON'T contain holodecks? Isn't that a violation of Space OSHA regs? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fictional Mayor of Boston gets his pants stolen Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1999 06:15:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I vote 'The Destroyer', a star of a series of action books as the > Kibological action hero. Imagine a guy with the toned down abillities > of a good guy from 'Matrix', I assume you don't mean the recent movie based on a comic book but are instead referencing the much cooler "Doctor Who" thing that looked like a title card from "Boris Karloff's Thriller" seen while five hundred pigeons were sitting on your government-taxed telly aerial. Oh, and it needs a ripply picture of a woman with a fake Australian accent floating in front of it, and an "All Creatures Great & Small" character running around with green Rice Krispies glued all over his face. Now THAT'S sci-fi! I mean the part about the Rice Krispies being green. They were SPACE RICE KRISPIES! Green means SPACE. > the political beliefs of Rush Limbaugh and the psychosis of the Unabomber. "UNABOMer", dammit, "UNABOMer". There's no "B" in "bomb" because the FBI's awesome computer only accepts six-letter filenames. I think they plan to upgrade it sometime around 2005, around the time they make it Y2K-compliant. > I bought one of these 'Destroyer' books just for the heck of it. A bad > guy manages to get his personal army into Hollywood. By any chance, was this book written by Bent Corydon and L. Ron Hubbard Junior? > Anywho, in the beginning of the story, Our Hero hypnotizes the mayor of > Boston and literally drags him into the middle of a fair celebrating > the drug underground. You know, one of those highly-publicized underground events. > The hero is mad because this legal fair has had all the druggies crawl > out of the woodwork. ...and under his skin and then turn into spiders made of purple fire. > He drags the mayor around the fair and lectures him. Our Hero also kills > a dealer with a gun when the dealer threatens Our Hero. Then the mayor is > left behind, still dazed and confused and a bunch of punks steal his pants. I once saw a great photo from just after World War II where the Russians had captured Hitler's pants and were burning Hitler's pants so that no neo-Nazis would be able to wear Hitler's evil pants. I think the same thing should be done to Mayor Menino's pants to stop punks from rallying around his pants as they plot to spent the Boston Public Library's secret slush fund on a solid brass toilet-shaped information kiosk that refuses to give Don Saklad any useful information because it's a city information kiosk and therefore contains no useful information for anyone else, either. -- K. At least he didn't let his son party with dad's re-election campaign fund's credit card unlike a certain former mayor whose name was alphabetically between RAX FLYNM and RAZ FLYNO. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boston's T: Portal to God Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 01:37:49 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > "RobRPM2222" (robrpm2222@aol.com) wrote: > > > > [...] SWISH! Deluxe-tastical newly-FDA-approved Kree-Mee Lite Kontext-Away drips all over nasty old context and dissolves it with its powerful digestive noesis! > > Maybe we can convince him [Archimedes Plutonium] to try stealing > > the T without using a secured harness! POCKY! Kontext-Away falls off a ladder, breaks its hip, and returns to its special packaging that protects it from itself! > What you're proposing is just SICK! > The Massachusetts Transit Authority would be really ticked off, and > they'd probably fine you even DOUBLE if you ripped them off without > wearing a secured harness. Is anyone else having visions of the long list of things that Archimedes Plutonium's harness should be secured to? I'm thinking of things like a crossbeam at the center of the Hindenburg, the surface of a steamroller's roller, and a black hole. All at the same time. OH NO! NOW NEWSWEEK MAGAZINE WILL SEE THIS AND ANNOUNCE THAT A RELIABLE SOURCE ON THE INTERNET DISCOVERED THAT THE HINDENBURG WAS DESTROYED BY A BLACK HOLE JUST LIKE THAT AIRPLANE THAT CRASHED! YOU KNOW, THE ONE ON THE EAST COAST! > However, if you do decide to steal the T, make sure you start with the > red line. How about the half of the Blue Line west of Gummint Center? You know, the half that only has one stop on it, which is only open during the commercial breaks in the "Today" show on even-numbered days that don't end in "Y"? I don't think anyone would mind if Archie stole it. However, a better first step for him might be on the Red Line's third rail. -- K. The one subway line NOBODY would want to see: Archie's Bikini Line. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boston's T: Portal to God Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 05:23:33 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com [re which of Boston's T lines Archimedes Plutonium should steal] David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > How about the half of the Blue Line west of Gummint Center? You know, > > the half that only has one stop on it, which is only open during the > > commercial breaks in the "Today" show on even-numbered days that don't > > end in "Y"? > > ObTieIn: "Dammit, can't Archie only steal the Ts that are in the -sarcastic- > half of Boston?" > > Dave "Oh no - I can't think of anything to -put- here!" DeLaney Fine, I'll help you. True story: The makers of the database program FileMaker Pro (who are now a company called FileMaker Inc., who are completely different from their previous company Claris Inc., which was not Apple Computer operating under a different name in order to trick Windows people into buying Apple software, except that it was) have just released an update to the FileMaker Pro Web Companion, which apparently is some sort of web companion. This update fixes a problem with password-protected databases. It turns out that when the secret password was stored, if your password had a "T" in it you could never get your data out again, because FileMaker couldn't tell the difference between the letter "T" and the return key, because, hey, they're only six inches apart on the keyboard. So if your password was "nougatastic", it would save the file with the password "nouga" and you'd never be able to get into your own file again unless you also removed the half of your brain that remembers "T" and any letters anywhere after it. So, you see, FileMaker apparently had a really stupid employee who went around stealing "T"s, so I think we've found where Archie has been getting his money. I doubt they pay as much as his former job washing dishes, though, because Apple "spun off" FileMaker because it was less profitable than the rest of Apple. So presumably they have an annual income of less than a dollar around there. -- K. I mean, Apple can't even afford to put floppy disk drives or fans in their computers any more. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Where to get? Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 01:44:15 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Where can I get a bootleg copy of the operating system that Adam West used on the Batcomputer? I need to know because I saw a riddle on a Dixie Cup. -- K. I tried just putting a sign that said "BATCOMPUTER" on top of my computer but that didn't make it much smarter. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Singing sunflower Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 02:16:01 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > So sometime early this morning (ie, before about 12 AM), the transformer > for the strip of halogen lights in our appartment suddenly decides not to > be stuck to the ceiling anymore, and falls down to hang from its wires. > This causes the nearby fire alarm to also fall down from the ceiling, > onto the top of a big closet, in which I've hidden the singing sunflower I > got from Terri. The sunflower begins singing happily. Darn it! My sunflowers are always surly and drunk when they sing! > My reaction is to wake up about halfway because of the loud noise and the > following happy "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine", and immediately > go back to sleep and forget the whole thing. That's nothing. Did you know there's a new Barbie cell phone? The Barbie "Talk With Me" Smart Phone. Available in four fashion colors (pink, magenta, purple, and silver with pink buttons.) The key feature on the back of the package -- BARBIE CALLS YOU! Barbie randomly calls you and leaves you voice mail messages if you're not available. Aaaaaiiiieeee! Barbie is stalking me! Hmm, I've got three messages. Today she demands that I go to the movies with Skipper, and then go to the movies with Midge, and then go dancing. Damn, I shouldn't have played them back. Now it's legally binding and I *have* to go to the movies with Skipper and then Midge, whoever they are. (I bet Midge is a louse.) But maybe I can get out of it on a technicality: I haven't taken it out of its package because I'm going to return it to Toys R Us now that I've gotten lovely studio-quality close-up photos of the package, especially the part that says BARBIE CALLS YOU! Barbie randomly calls you and leaves you voice mail messages if you're not available. You can also page Barbie and force her to call you immediately -- Barbie returns all her calls within seconds. Barbie will not leave you alone. She talks a lot like a hyperactive MegaHAL. Here, I'll page her three times so you can hear her Shatneriffic delivery of three very different messages -- "Yeah! We go out! With Ken! Tonight!" "I know! I love to! Listen to music! With Ken! On Friday!" "Hi! It's Barbie! We watch videos! With Ken!" Sometimes Barbie appears to be a little distracted, like Farrah. I just dialed the Hanover Inn and got: "Theresa! We go out! On Sa!" PERSONAL TO TERRI WILLIS: BARBIE HAS THE HOTS FOR YOU AND EITHER WANTS TO GO OUT WITH YOU ON SATURDAY, OR WANTS TO GO OUT ON SALE. The Barbie "Talk With Me" Smart phone has "an incredible alpha numeric display", which looks a lot like Greg Alt's .signature. -> P.S. Here's a real nifty font for use in .sigs: -> -> A D /- |\ F F /- H | T K | n n n| n P n R C T | | \ / |n| X \ / 7 -> / \ D L, |/ L | LT || | J |\ L |V| |V U | U, |\ / | U V V V / \ Y L -> -> | | n | o o | | | -> OL D C O| E T O| |A | | K | AA |A () D O| |^ S T UL \/ VV >< V 7_ -> J J | V / -> -> /-7 ^ 7 > /| C / 7 o O -> |/J L L > -+ J O / O / -- Greg Alt (February 1996) It also works just like a real cell phone -- you can punch in any number and hit "SEND" to dial Barbie, except that a tenth of the time it just says "NO SRVC" and refuses to operate. I'm not sure what the range of this antenna is or where the closest point of presence of Barbie's secret cellular network is. Are those the things they've been installing on top of all the street lights? The "*" button doesn't do anything, but the "#" shows up as "X" when I'm dialing. I've tried dialing "XXX" and "XXX-XXXX" but so far I haven't found the secret phone number that makes Barbie say naughty things! To Ken! At the! Mall! But I know that there has to be some sort of "Easter Egg" hidden in this toy somewhere if I can just guess the right number to dial. I've tried SEX-WRLD but all I get is some weird modem noise. -- K. Not sure if I'm willing to buy and return a "Trend Forecaster Barbie" just to get a photo of her. I mean, some central computer somewhere would have to record that I bought a Barbie. I'd rather be caught buying a WebTV. By the way, have you noticed that the box the WebTV comes in has several bar-codes on it, the bottommost one marked "FOR CONSUMER ONLY"? Now consumers must not only keep all their mattress tags on file forever, but also buy a barcode reader to find out the serial number of their easy-to-use WebTV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: you suck. Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 02:39:45 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: ooh.what.a.burn.dot.com M. Otis Beard (barbus@uswest.net) wrote: > > Mike Zeares (mzeares@texas.net) wrote: > > > > The only person who for sure was in on it was Otis. The worst you > > could say is that those of us who got emails from him didn't immediately > > come clean. > > And there were 25 of you. And only five people really got it. And Kibo > wasn't one of them, but a previously unheard-from lurker was. Gee, M. Otis, I'm sorry if I inconvenienced you by being busy with other important matters so that I wasn't able to check mail or play along with your attempt to upset everyone, but like I may have hinted once or twice before, I was travelling because I was dealing with an actual, non-fake, non-designed-solely-to-jerk-people-around death in the family. Someone I actually cared about, in part because they were too smart to pull any stunts that were designed to make everyone hate them. But even if such circumstances hadn't intervened, there's no way I would have wanted to be involved with your infantile scheme to wring tears from third parties for your amusement. I won't pretend to understand why you chose to fake your death in such a way as to fool people into worrying that there was something they might have done to prevent your suicide. However, I do know why you're now complaining that I didn't play along. Because you're an asshole. Now pucker up and prepare to kiss the bottom of my killfile. *PLONK* -- K. OH, TOO BAD, HE LANDED ON THE SPIKES DIPPED IN DURIAN JUICE. WHAT A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD DURIAN JUICE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Conan O'Brien Talks to Magazine Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 05:11:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm not sure who the guests would be, as the above list includes all > > the people worth watching ever. I guess they'd just interview each other, > > except for Michael O'Donoghue, who would just throw things at them. > > The guests would be Pauly Shore, Bob Hope, Carrot Top, Jay Leno, Gilbert > Gottfried, Gallagher, Fran Drescher, the entire cast of SNL from 1983 > onwards, Anthony Michael Hall, the guy who writes the jokes for all the > Hollywood awards shows, Bil Keane, the person who does 'Ziggy', and > Leslie Nielsen. It's a good thing Gilbert Gottfried and Anthony Michael Hall were never on "Saturday Night Live" in the early 1980s. Besides, surely Mr. Hall has redeemed himself by being in the remake of Roger Corman's "Bucket of Blood" and then playing Bill Gates as a total loser who never bathes in "Pirates of Silicon Valley". > The goal of the show is to make them all cry, wet their pants and leave > show business forever. Can't we just shoot them? And wait a minute, I don't want Leslie Nielsen to quit show business! I just want him to go back to the part of his career when he was really funny, like in "Forbidden Planet" and "Appointment on Mars"! > > Let's shove Jack Benny in there too, but only if he's > > written by Ernst Lubitsch. > > I want Shelley Berman to be in there somewhere, too. Tell you what, we can just splice in stock footage from that episode of "The Twilight Zone" where everyone in the world turns into Shelly Berman ("The Mind And The Matter"). Or rather, they all turn into people with oversized Shelly Barman paper-machŽ heads with the eyebrows drawn on in magic marker. I seem to recall that there were a lot of incredibly mismatched match-cuts between Berman and Berman, too. SHELLY BERMAN #1 Match-cut... SHELLY BERMAN #2 is a clean! SHELLY BERMAN #1 Splice... SHELLY BERMAN #2 is a dirty! GEORGE CARLIN Hey, stop stealing my material before I even think of it! > When Kibo gets his own talk show, I want to be his show's Ed McMahon. All right, you've called dibs on it, so it's legally binding. Everyone take note, David Pacheco has just signed a verbal contract to appear on the TV show I don't have yet. Now you people have to give me a show! I SAID IT WAS LEGALLY BINDING, SO YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO GIVE ME A SHOW OR DO JAIL TIME! But, David, do you think you can become wooden enough fast enough? I mean, you're sycophantic and drunken and all that, but can you speak wholeheartedly about the miraculous wonders of Soylent Alpo without moving your face? EMOTIONAL EXPRESSIVENESS SCALE -10 0 1 3 10 500 Ed McMahon Spock Nicole Kidman Adam West Normal Richard Simmons And then you'll have to do all those commercials for fifty-year life insurance policies for eighty-year-old people, too. -- K. Maybe instead you should be my Vince McMahon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.engr,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: leaving Atlanta; new skyscraper-buildings; AP's science tour of USA Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 03:52:27 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.engr, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Subject: leaving Atlanta; new skyscraper-buildings; AP's science tour of USA > > (posting from Cornell) That's just outside Georgia, right? > [...] > > Perhaps a theme for Atlanta > to adopt for its skyscraper building code is to have a theme > of "futurism". That all skyscrapers of Atlanta in the future have some > futuristic flair to them. Yeah, then it would be unique 'cause I'm sure there will be no other places that have futuristic buildings in the future. > [...] > > With carbon fiber skyscrapers, could we not build > a gigantic skyscrapers in the shapes of each of the letters of > the alphabet? To build curves in skyscrapers as well as straight > line segments. And don't forget that some letters have holes. Your office will be in the center of the A-hole. > And if possible then some city of the USA, perhaps Los Angeles > or San Diego make their skyscraper building code such that only > alphabet looking skyscrapers can be erected. Yeah, this would be futuristic because Los Angeles doesn't have any giant letters sticking out of it yet. Well, except for the ones that say "H O L L Y W O O D". But I'm sure nobody but me has ever heard of those. [the following was on a 500-character line before I cleaned it up:] > > Some will call such a futuristic city of alphabet skyscrapers as the > alphabet soup city and the children of many parents will cajole their > parents into taking them on vacation through the alphabet soup skyline city. > For me, the most interesting of these skyscrapers will be the P and U > buildings and I hope they are near each other so that from a distance > I can see PU on the skyline horizon. Or, if you want to see PU, you could just invent a mirror that reflects smells. I HEREBY CALL DIBS ON PATENTING "THE STINKY MIRROR" AND GIVE MYSELF UNTIL JULY 2057 TO INVENT IT. -- K. I think a beef soup skyline city would look better. Smell better, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.psychology.misc,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ohio, and police encounters of the 2nd kind; AP's science odyssey Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 04:23:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology [apologies for breaking up Archie's beautiful 400-character lines so as not to go off the right-hand edge of your screen and poke your neighbor in the eye] In sci.edu, sci.psychology.misc, and soc.history, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Gate 5, 7pm for Cincinnati. A week or two ago I said I would circle the > USA again after having the bad experience in Cleveland's Case Western Univ > of security-police harassement. Hey, Arch, if you get stopped by the police again on your second circuit, you should go for a third. Maybe you should keep trying until you get stopped in all 50 states. > In this second circle I managed to only circle around the USA > South and come back to Ohio. The reason I want to come to Cincinnati is > because I am an alumnus of UC 1968-72. Well, I'll be, for once your autobiography corroborates something you said: From "Ludwig Plutonium: The Chosen One" (1993), page 19: -> Willis you knew I had it rough as a math major in my junior year at -> University of Cincinnati. My junior year at UC was my hardest academic -> year in my life. I took "Advanced Calculus" and got a "D" in it. But it was an Advanced "D". > But I sadly > report that again I encounter security-police harassement only > this time it was from the Greyhound personnel. > I am going to leave out many of the details over this second Ohio bad > experience but just to summarize. I have an Ameripass with Greyhound that > entitles me to ride any Greyhound bus for 45 days anytime. Trouble with > the pass is that it is about 3 to 5 slips of paper two of which are my > original sales slip and the credit card charge slip. Of these 5 slips of > papers that goes to composing the Ameripass, 3 of the slips have the words > on it and I quote: > "Not Good For Travel" on the Voucher slips, and on the 4th > slip, the pink sales slip it has printed "Not Good For Transportation". Yay! That means you can use them for anything else that's not prohibited! Archimedes Plutonium, I humbly suggest to you that these pink slips would taste like pink cotton candy of you ate them! AND THEY DON'T SAY "Not Good For Consumption" ANYWHERE I CAN SEE FROM HERE! > On my use of this Ameripass (those 5 slips of paper) in these > past 40 days of travel or thereabouts, I would say that I had been hassled > about 10 times out of about 100 encounters by 10 busdrivers who could only > see > those words of "Not Good For Travel" and to use that as an excuse to not > admit me on the bus. Yeah, it's such a lame excuse, not letting you on just because you keep showing them papers that say "NOT GOOD FOR TRAVEL". GENIUS! > But as it so happened in all of those encounters by > wary busdrivers, once the sales-ticket-lady inside informed the obstinate > busdriver that the Ameripass package I was holding was valid. And so as > these > 40 some days evolved I began to have some sympathy for the busdrivers who > questioned the Ameripass because they saw those words and blamed 50% of > this hassling of me with my Ameripass on the Greyhound company itself for > not including some words like this: > > Not Good For Travel Unless Accompanied By Original Sales Slip > Or not educating enough the busdrivers as to what the Ameripass > looks like or consists of for the Ameripass can look different depending > on where the customer buys the Ameripass. That's a lot of text for them to add if it all has to be in the same big red letters that say "NOT GOOD FOR TRAVEL." Might I suggest a shorter version? "NOT GOOD FOR TRAVEL EXCEPT FOR THE KING OF SCIENCE." > So I was blaming half of this hassling on Greyhound company itself and > the other half on the obstinate busdrivers. Yeah! Those bus drivers are such total lowlifes! I mean, having to drive a bus for a living is almost as lame as RIDING a bus! > However, my luck was to cease upon arrival at Cincinnati Ohio > around midnight of Sunday the 31Oct99. I had a wary and confused bus > driver who said "great costume! Charlie Brown after a lobotomy, right?" > my Ameripass was no good, and that I would > need to see the ticket-sales lady. My luck broke down completely here > because the ticket-sales lady in Cincinnati Ohio of 1:55am Sunday 31Oct > was also "uneducated" ( I used that term many times that night). ^ | You misspelled "was". Hope this helps. > Uneducated in the Ameripass. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired pink rock band name #43: UNEDUCATED IN THE AMERIPASS ...which can be hyphenated after the "P". > This lady agreed with the busdriver that my Ameripass was no good and that > I would need to purchase a ticket to go to Columbus of 1:55am that night. > And here is where the security-police entered the fray Ooh, a Plutonium Fray. Golly, I hope you didn't beat up too many people. > with telling me that without a valid ticket and my refusal to buy a > Columbus ticket that I was to remove myself from the Greyhound premisses. > So, what was 9 hassles earlier in my trip where the sales lady would > straighten out the busdriver had completely broken down. And the security > guard agreeing with this lady that my Ameripass was invalid and the security > charging me with trespassing. So, I asked the security to please let me > make some telephone calls to Greyhound and I was sure they would return > the call to the Cincinnati station and clear up the matter. Call > Cincinnati sales clerk to inform her that my Ameripass was indeed valid. > > I was aggravated, I was angry, and I believe I even momentarily > raised my voice WOOOOOOO!!! ARCHIE MAY HAVE MOMENTARILY RAISED HIS VOICE! STOP THE PRESSES, CANCEL THAT HEADLINE ABOUT WORLD WAR III, ARCHIE MAY HAVE MOMENTARILY RAISED HIS VOICE! > because I could not get this salesperson to "reason". My > points of reason were these: > (1) the original sales slip says from dates Sept 23 to Nov 8 and > so why would all the busdrivers accept this Ameripass but not > Cincinnati. Do they think I forged some pink sales slip with > forged dates? Depends. What color are the legitimate ones? > (2) the original credit card slip is signed and imprinted, and > again do they think I forged that? Yeah, the King of Science is incapable of figuring out how to commit fraud! Wait... you HAVE a credit card? I mean, I've heard of them giving credit cards to dogs, but how did YOU get one? > (3) why have all the busdrivers of about 99 of them accepted, > yet now Cincinnati was refusing to accept. > > I could not reason with this salesperson and her security backup. I get > angered when people fail to reason or fail to apply logic. So I called > Greyhound 1-800-231-2222 and got no relief but another number for thier > Ameripass 1-800-454-7277. Trouble with this was that only Monday through > Friday hours. > > So, what I proceeded to do was to buy a new Ameripass from this > sales-clerk, in order to educate her as to recognize a valid Ameripass. I > would have her go through the paperwork and just before I was to pay her, > to not pay her. We went through a cash purchase of a new Ameripass and all > the information she requested I pointed to the Ameripass in my hand. Then > after she was finished and wanted the dollars I refused. Then I said I > wanted a credit card Ameripass. She again typed in all the information off > of my Ameripass and before submitting the actual credit card, I refused. > She still did not realize that my Ameripass was good and valid. > > So, I called the Cincinnati police to come to the Greyhound station. And > after reading the vouchers again I went back with new information for it > says on the Voucher slips: > 4. Agent must use "AI" alternative payment type to exchange voucher for > travel ticket. Woo! AI! A payment method which is smarter than you! Well, then again, lottery "scratcher" tickets are smarter than you. And creamed lentils are smarter than you. But artificially-intelligent Greyhoud tickets... yeah, they would be PLENTY smarter than you. > I got the sales lady to type in the numbers for the ticket, and > presto, a valid ticket emerged meaning that my Ameripass was good and > valid. The sales lady realizing that my Ameripass was > good then proceeded to blame me for no telling her that those slips were > "original slips". I told her she had an "attitude problem" and that I had > been trying to reason with her all this time. Maybe you should try reasoning with your BRAIN. And now, innocent bystanders, witness my favorite paragraph to come out of Archimedes Plutonium's trip so far: > At this point, since I knew the police was coming I waited for the > Cincinnati Police and they arrived, three of them, in their > crisp clean white shirts. And the matter was finally straightened out. I > insisted that a police report be made out, I insisted because I > _suspected_ that some of these people who looked at my Ameripass knew it > was good all along but rather than allow me passage saw it as an > opportunity to "hassle a person". Whether the hassling was because I am > Archimedes Plutonium, the > author of the Atom Totality or because of some other reason is > merely a suspicion and conjecture on my part. The ease of typing > in that 8 digit number proving my Ameripass was good makes me suspicious. EVIL PEOPLE HAVE LEARNED TO BE GOOD AT TYPING NUMBERS JUST TO ANNOY ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM! Just out of curiosity, Arch, how many hours does it take you to type an 8-digit number? > But now I was free to depart on any Greyhound bus out of Cincinnati. > > I believe the whole entire incident and the 9 other hassles previously > would have all been avoided if Greyhound had not put down "NOT GOOD FOR > TRAVEL" on their Ameripasses. AND HERE COME THE DANCING BEARS OF INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS GENIUS! You're right, Arch. Greyhound wouldn't have to hassle you about your invalid pass if only it didn't say "THIS IS NOT A VALID PASS, VOID VOID VOID, MR. BUS DRIVER PLEASE DO NOT HONOR THIS FAKE PASS" all over it. They should make them look just like the regular passes. > Those four words are an easy excuse to deny > a Ameripass traveller of passage and those words make it highly prone for > Ameripass travelers to be hassled on their journey, wasting the time of > the traveller and busdriver and ticket staff. > > IF Greyhound needs the words Not Good For Travel, then make it clearer by > saying "NOT GOOD FOR TRAVEL UNLESS ORIGINAL PAYMENT SLIPS ATTACHED" > > Take a moment and look on the dollar bills of the USA. A passage reads: > > This Note Is Legal Tender For All Debts, Public And Private > > Suppose the USA govt followed the pattern of Greyhound bus and put on > every bill these words. > > This Note Is Not Good For Any Debts, Public And Private > > Do you think that some persons would be unduly hassled when exchanging US > bills for payments with the words "NOT GOOD" I don't know, why don't you draw some of your own money and try it? > This is the 2nd Ohio bad experience and will post tonight about my history > theory of patterns and tie in these two experiences. I think your tie is on too tight. -- K. (And I think you're wearing it as a headband.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,soc.history,talk.politics.theory,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: USA tour drawing to an end; AP's Science Odyssey movie Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 04:38:44 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.edu, soc.history, and talk.politics.theory, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Cornell) > > [...] > > Many of the research buildings in California have boxes that control > the temperature inside Brilliant observation, Arch! Here's your vocabulary word for the day: According to someone who wrote it on the heater in my apartment's bathroom some decades ago, the word you're looking for is "TERMOSTAT". With a squiggly arrow pointing towards a knob that makes damp towels hot. > but also boxes that filter out the dirty California air So, the buildings are filled with vacuum? > and make it less poisonous to breathe. My lasting > memory of Berkeley upon departing it several weeks ago was to > see the Lawrence Berkeley labs, those whitish looking large > buildings nestled atop those huge cliffs just above the main > campus of Berkeley and to see that ugly orange-gray layer of > smog all around the entire California valley where Berkeley rests. That was one of the subconscious reasons I wanted to exit > California and go straight north to Vancouver, not because I > wanted to see cherry trees in Vancouver but because I wanted to > clear out my lungs of the California smog I had breathed in the last week or so. That the reason California is so dirty is > because Vancouver and Washington state and Oregon were getting the cleansing frequent rain that should be going to California > but rather was making the Northwest Pacific that much more cleaner. And even Chicago, the huge behemoth city that it is, is > cleaner than any California large city because Chicago gets that > fierce wind almost daily that ejects the smog or disperses it. > > The USA tour is drawing to a rapid close, and I decided to spend > the last weeks in the South US because that is the region I know > less about. Outside of the natural sciences. > So today I want to post the remainder of my > travelogue for I am heading home to Canada from Cornell to > prepare for my Europe tour. I need to add to the science thread > of Fusion Barrier Law and to the Portals/Windows of God thread. > And I am happy to say that with my recent return to Ohio that you are round at both ends and REALLY high in the middle -- you should try wearing pants that don't come up to your armpits. > I have a political-social thread that is quite interesting with > conjecture and thought-provoking. > > And I ask a silly question to Uncle Al and Kibo, for their > newsgroups are ideal for such a question. I abandoned the trip to Laredo > due to time and ensuing winter. But the question is this: If the Baseball > hat had been invented at the same time that the cowboy western hat, would > the cowboys-of-yore opted for a baseball hat and that whenever we see Wyatt > Earp, Doc Holliday, or Billy the Kid and all the other westerns, would we > see them in a baseball cap rather than the cowboy western hat. I think you'd see Westerns in a homemade cape and orange overalls with plutonium atoms drawn on them in magic marker, but I'm cheating because I've seen the photos of you on that Web page you used to have at Dartmouth back when you still had a job. > Uncle Al tells me that newsgroups such as alt.kibology with their level > of intelligence is perfect for debating such questions. Dear Imaginary Version Of Uncle Al That Archie Thinks He's Talking To, Could you please tell me where I may find "alt.kibology"? I've never heard of that newsgroup from anyone who knows what they're talking about. I do know of one named "alt.religion.kibology" that's really bozotic -- I mean, there was this nut named Ludwig Plutonium who use to post all his "Plutonium Hymns" there from 1993 until he realized they weren't laughing WITH him a few years later. > And another note: The statue of Dirac at the FSU campus is fine. > But I request that in the future when statues or pictures are done of the > famous scientists is not to do them when they are > near death, but to do them of a young age or age in which they > achieved their most noteworthy science. I was 40 years old when I discovered > the Atom Totality theory and so please, no renderings of me older than 40 > years. Okay, we'll keep treating you as a three-year-old. > Another note: It is a good trend that the USA superpowerdom > capital city of Washington has mostly Smithsonian museums for its main strip. > This is a trend that should continue. To the > point in the future where the capital city is like a vast > Las Vegas strip of Smithsonian Museum buildings and these > buildings housing the history of every science from physics to > chemistry to biology to astronomy etc. And that every famous > experiment such as the Franklin experiments and the Michelson experiment > and the Millikan experiments be housed in this > Science Strip. Just think, there would be hundreds of buildings you could get kicked out of all in one day! > With time, this science strip will become the > single most sought for vacation or tour trip by many people of > the world. The Smithsonian housed well the Fermi fission pile, but now the > Smithsonian must begin to make plans for its future > as the gigantic Las Vegas style Science Strip of the world. Roll the dice and WIN Archie Bunker's chair! > For as hard as it is to believe that a future day will come where more > people will know who Faraday, Maxwell, Tesla, Bohr were than they know > who Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln were. Yeah, it's not like Jefferson ever invented anything. (Hey, Arch, regarding his best-known invention, let's just say that you could SIT ON IT! In fact, you could SIT AND SPIN!) > And that the USA superpowerdom will be the first superpowerdom that > starts the celebration and fame of the scientists. The > English superpowerdom came close to celebrating the fame of its > scientists, but leave it for the USA superpowerdom to start the > monuments and museums of science in a big way. > > Allow me to post the remainder of my travelogue today... You're allowed. -- K. Allow me to be just half the bozo Archie is. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 24'th Update on Fly Longevity Experiments Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 04:46:35 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.misc, bionet.drosophila, bionet.molbio.ageing, Doug Skrecky (oberon@vcn.bc.ca) wrote: > > The 23'rd update of my fly longevity experiments was on August 1998. I > had discontinued these experiments after run #11 was completed, but have > reconsidered and am now back in business. > [...] > Grape, both red and white grapefruit, and pineapple look modestly > beneficial, but all flies were dead on a day 25 census. > > RUN #11 Total # Percent Survival on Day > Supplement of Flies 6 10 14 21 > _______________________________________ > cntl 1 (16) 81% 38% 13% 0% > cntl 2 (25) 92 56 40 0 > apple (28) 96 61 18 0 > blackcurrent - 0! - - - > cranberry (25) 80 52 28 0 > grape (35) 89 71 46 0 > grapefruit, red (42) 90 81 48 7 > grapefruit, white (37) 95 81 49 3 > orange (34) 82 65 32 0 > pineapple (26) 81 69 35 4 > tomato (23) 74 39 26 0 There you have it -- iMacs kill flies dead! Especially that new Tomato iMac with the squishy insides that seem like they haven't quite jelled properly. > RUN #12 Total # Percent Survival on Day > Supplement of Flies 10 26 28 31 35 39 44 48 52 56 60 65 > _______________________________________________________________________ > cntl 1 (17) 76% 0% - - - - - - - - - - > cntl 2 (18) 78 0 - - - - - - - - - - > apricot (10) 70 60 60 60 60 30 0 - - - - - > black cherry (15) 80 80 73 73 60 53 47 40 40 20 20 7 > guava (13) 92 69 69 62 62 46 15 0 - - - - > lichi (12) 67 67 67 67 67 50 33 25 17 0 - - > mango ( 8) 63 50 50 50 25 13 0 - - - - - > papaya (18) 67 44 44 28 17 6 0 - - - - - > passion fruit (16) 81 75 75 75 75 69 56 50 44 31 31 0 > peach (16) 69 63 63 63 50 38 19 13 6 0 - - > pear (17) 71 53 47 47 41 24 18 0 - - - - > youngberry (15) 60 33 33 33 33 20 13 13 7 0 - - durian (15) 100 124 193 281 345 398 475 602 688 771 932 1405 -- K. Finding new ways to slam my least favorite fruit with SCIENCE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lost Prophets Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 05:06:32 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Actually, I'm not sure who my imaginary reader is when I write -- > > me in the future? Matt McIrvin? The reporters digging into my past > > when I commit mass murder in 2007? People who like seeing the word > > "nougat" inserted into sentences for no reason?) > > Note to self: Skip the ought seven ARKPLE. Don't worry, you'll be dead long before then. -- K. I forget whether you get it in the nuclear war I cause in 2004 or one of the two Bob Hope causes in 2003, but in any case, at the 2007 a.r.k Party-Like Event we're going to have 100% attendance. Of the population of the Earth. All six of us. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The ergative verb serves furtively to disturb Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 05:50:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "The Boy of Tomorrow" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > I have returned! Yay! > I have not been reading ark for the last two and some-odd months,-- I > couldn't imagine a more dumb span of time in which not to read ark, as I > completely missed the least suckingest September post contest *and* the > Sept. 13 festivities. Nonetheless, I have returned. Who am I, you ask? > Gentle newbie, it is I, Robert Caponi, aka Tagutcow, aka Brechtze Meerhor, > the guy who had a six-year-old girl insist and eventually suceed in > kissing him on the same area of his leg that, just half an hour prior, had > been covered in runny poo. Yours or theirs? Please repost the story of this momentous event because I think I've managed to forget it at last. > Granted, I was never much of a Kibological > heavyweight, but with stories like that, it's easy to see how I chisled > out my niche in the periphery of Kibological Kulchur. I have returned, I > have come to reclaim what I can only hope to be my eternal dots-and-lines > posture in the Kibological firmament. > > I have returned, and I come bearing itemisation! > > On my vacation from ark, I... > > 1) cut myself off from the world; stopped reading the newspaper, stopped > reading Newsweek. Well, as long as you were still reading The National Enquirer so you could keep up with real news like "AL GORE'S DIET IS MAKING HIM STUPID." > 2) became a member of a rap group. Rap is SO twentieth-century. It's non-Y2K-compliant. You need to get with the hip new teens of today and embrace the new musical style, Music On A Stick! It involves sticks dipped in red frosting and then into a big vat of little musical notes made of candy and they make sounds as you lick them off. Oh, yeah, and when you hear it on a CD, candy comes out of your CD player. Except that CDs are also so 1900s. > 3) further left the matter of my computer's dead PRAM battery unattended to. Happy 1954. Have you at least upgraded to Mac OS 8.6 so that it can stay 1954 until 19999 instead of 2019? > 4) caught my tongue when I was about to tell a room full of > forty-something men George Orwell's saw about men of the age of fifty > looking like they deserve to look. To be hip, you should tell them George Orwell's musical saw, which was covered with candy that you can lick off until your tongue is in little pieces on the floor. > 5) relaxed with said men to the sounds of Skinny Puppy and S'Apex. The names are vaguely familiar to me from history class... > 6) was cornered, at my computer users group's picnic, by a dork who was > chewing my ear off about how he thinks computers *should* work, including > operating-system level support for complex numbers. That's a dumb idea because it really needs hardware support for quaternions to be able to do anything useful. Also, they should not only bring back hardware keyboard buffers, but they should work like the one on the Linotype where the keys go down a chute as you type them and you can't type them again until a robotic arm sticks them back into the blank spaces on your keyboard. There should be a hardware backspace function, too, which involves time travel. > 7) was taken so far off my game by said dork that I almost mistakenly > referred to complex numbers as "complicated numbers." One Is The Least Complicated Number. > 8) read John Barth's _The Floating Opera_, realized that everything I > could ever hope to achieve on ark has been done before and better. Next read "Inside John Barth" which is like "Being John Malkovich" only older, therefore less hip, which makes it hipper. Especially if you read it while your computer thinks it's 1954, unless it really is 1954, in which case you're hip just because you had a computer before IBM did. > 9) got my Morpheus; was asleep on Friday and home alone when I should have > gotten it, had to wait till Monday for UPS to try again. Basically, my > Morpheus came, but I was asleep when it happened,-- there's textbook irony > in there somewhere, I just don't know where. What kind of name for a textbook is "Morpheus"? > 10) tried to share my gift with the world, was met with outrage (and, by > accident, I double clicked on rec.music.classical.contemporary on my way > to rec.music.makers.synth, and saw Ed Lowther's insightful analysis of my > work, discussion of which took a bizarre turn into discussion of the > relative size of my Haases,-- I knew I was inviting disaster with that > photo of me. BTW, Ed, I didn't wanna hafta be the one to tell you this, > but that webtver I was taunting later called you Edward Scissorbrains.) I'm sure it was entirely by accident, given that I've never before seen a WebTV person type a thirteen-letter word. > 11) befriended, at a group therapy session, a similarly obsessive-compulsive > woman whose house is within spitting distance of my house. And you always have to spit at it three times and then walk all the way around it three times before knocking on the door. > 12) lended experiential proof of my hypothesis that,- if you make note of > a URL, sit on it for a year or two, and attempt to locate it after that > year or two is up,- if the content the URL points to no longer exists, it > probably wasn't worth checking out in the first place. There are Web pages that are worth checking out? Also, after you check them out, what is the fine if you return them to the library a day late? > 13) had a serious, ernest discussion with my therapist about what I > percieved to be my nascent doody fixation;-- I later thought that to be a > perfectly disarming name for my rap group. "Nascent Gas" would be a great one along those lines. "It's a great thing to not have gas." -- Suzanne Somers in _Time_ (She was commenting on her new diet, which is a lot like the one that is making Al Gore stupid, but I think she's been on it much longer.) > 14) had a hole in my heart that could only be filled by rack rails; rack > rails were not to be found at Radio Shack, nor were they to be found at > Sears, but, inexplicably, just being in the presence of consumer > electronics partially healed my longing. In the world of the future, everything will be rack-mounted. Especially beach balls and carpet. > 15) had found again with _Budakhan Mindphone_ the religion I had gained > with _Drum 'n' Bass Conspiracy_ and had lost with _This is Jungle Sky > 6:Funk_. Music is alien to me. I am a scientist. > 16) closed the door on the most distressingly rapid twelve months of my life. I tried that too, but they were still in the future at the time, so it didn't work, and the Time Police gave me a hefty fine. > 17) got myself this hefty-kewl neo-pre-post-modern .sig file: > > -- > "The worlds in which different socities live are distinct worlds, > not the same world with different labels attached." -- Edward Sapir And he was the worst security officer on the Enterprise ever! Except for Kirkegaard. -- K. Raise your hand if you need Matt McIrvin to explain it. Personally, I'd love to see him try to explain my hand. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sunday morning TeeVee Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 06:21:48 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Simon Clark (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Today, for some reason, I accidentally watched a crappy American > religious kids TeeVee show. This is basically what happened... > > The main plot: > > Some kids receive a time machine from the future which they > use to bring people from the Bible back to the present. Yeah, 'cause time machines aren't contrary to the laws of God the way a talking dog would be. "Davey, you can't build a real time machine, because your fingers aren't jointed. Woof." > In this weeks episode: > > One of the kids witnesses another kid break a drill bit, > and is worried that someone might think that it was him, > and then his father might get fired or something. So being > an intelligent kid (like ALL good religious American kids!) > he decides NOT to spend a few dollars buying a new drill bit, > but instead to use the time machine to bring some prophet from > the Bible back to the present so he can ask him what will > happen in the future. I'm not kidding! <-- ME NOT KIDDING!!! He should have just tattled on the other kid. After all, as the Bible says, "Blessed are the tattle-tales for they shall enrich The Banana Section." (WHOOSH! Right past the McIrvin Limit!) > So anyway, they use the time machine and the prophet appears, > along with a LION!!! Then the lion escapes from the basement > window which it couldn't POSSIBLY reach, and the kids go off > after it. Meanwhile the prophet wanders off, then some people > catch the lion and the kids go looking for the prophet. The lion, of course, is ground up and sold at Food Lion. > So, the prophet is wandering around the neighbourhood (with > UNhilarious consequences!), He left a dotted STRAIGHT line! > and he hangs around a playground talking to children (there's > NOTHING suspicious about that WHATSOEVER!), and then he beats a > dog with a baseball bat -- but it's OK because it isn't a REAL dog! He was a hot dog! "Davey! Don't... say... that! Woof!" I've always wondered why in the "Davey & Goliath" world, any noun containing "dog" (except for the trivial case of three-letter words containing "dog") was considered blasphemy. I think it's because Goliath was obviously God, because "Dog" spelled backwards is "Santa". > And then someone alerts the police: "Be advised he is dressed > as a prophet. Over!". Then the kids -- who have just been cautioned > by a policeman for putting up posters with a picture of the prophet > on it -- overhear this on the policeman's radio. So they ride > off on their bikes and the screen freezes and it says > "To be continued...". And then the Dead Sea Scrolls ended and nobody ever found out what would have happened in the second part of The Book Of Alfalfa. > I can't WAIT until NEXT WEEK!!! I can't even wait until last week. -- K. (Your Armageddon will be yesterday.) YAY! I MADE A PHILIP K. DICK REFERENCE AND DIDN'T EVEN MOCK THE FACT THAT HIS EPIPHANY CAME FROM STARING AT THE SUN'S REFLECTION ON A SILVER JESUS FISH UNTIL HE BURNED PINK SPOTS INTO HIS EYES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sunday morning TeeVee Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 04:53:50 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > He should have just tattled on the other kid. After all, as the > > Bible says, "Blessed are the tattle-tales for they shall enrich > > The Banana Section." > > > > (WHOOSH! Right past the McIrvin Limit!) > > Well, some doctor just told my dad to eat more bananas to keep his > heartbeat regular, and I know this works because I read in Chaikin's book > about the Apollo program that NASA doctors worried about arhhrhytrhmia > during one of the missions made the guys on the next one drink gigantic > amounts of potassium-doped Tang that made them fart uncontrollably inside > the tiny sealed spaceship. > > So I eat bananas too because it's a lot like living with Chris Elliot. > > Now Kibo has to connect the dots. I didn't realize Samantha had gas that bad. She should try the Suzanne Somers diet. Al Gore says it works. And now, to connect your doots... Matt McIrvin tends to get confused between Jesse "The Body" Ventura and Jim Belushi just because when Jesse "The Body" Ventura starred in "Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe" he looked exactly like big-name actor Jim Belushi who also starred in "Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe." Which is frequently listed in _TV Guide_ as "Abatas, Guardian of the Universe". So you can see why Matt gets confused. The only way he can remember the difference between the two is that Jesse Ventura was revealed to have caused the explosion that killed the Apollo 13 astronauts in Lenny Bruce's "Disney's The Rocket Man", starring Harlan Ellison as the guy who spent the whole movie farting in a space suit. It went something like this: FADE IN. HARLAN ELLISON Look at me, I am farting in my spacesuit! Fart fart fart fart! JIM BELUSHI I blew up Apollo 13! HARLAN ELLISON Fart fart fart fart! CHRIS ELLIOT Bananas. THE END. ...only it actually goes on for ninety minutes, and I think it might be in smellovision. So, you see, Andrew Chaikin's book, in which he reveals that the Pentagon mudered Gus "Buzz" Grisson because he tried to thwart Cosmonaut Yuri Kasparov's plan to launch a satellite which would perpetually rain fertilizer on Moscow, was made into "Apollo 13", starring Jim Belushi, Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Harlan Ellison, and Richard Nixon as the guy who keeps yelling "HOUSTON, WE'RE SURROUNDED BY PINBALLS!" Also he was the guy who got sick in zero gravity and kept coughing up Klingon blood. Now, what this has to do with "Tattletales", the game show in which YOU COULD SIT IN THE BANANA SECTION!, I don't know. Except that I think maybe John Belushi and Jim Belushi were on it once before they were divorced. Also, when I was a kid, I had twenty of those Science Books For Lads which taught how to cut a banana with Mommy's needle and thread before peeling it, which I never did because (a) I don't like bananas, (b) I don't play with Mommy's sewing kit, and (c) I ONLY LIKE REAL SCIENCE, NOT SEWING BANANAS! And if you disagree with me, AYYYYYY, SIT IN THE BANANA SECTION, NERD! -- K. P.S. Seriously, as Disney movies go, "Rocket Man" is sort of stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Short Shameful Confession #943. Date: Tue, 2 Nov 1999 06:36:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Keywords: Warning: This thread will get wide. Often for dinner I will cook two of the same TV dinner at the same time, but I always eat them in series, but never in parallel. -- K. "...and best of all, it's actually legal." -- Bob Newhart in my favorite TV commercial of the year ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sorry, I just destroyed the world. My bad. Date: Wed, 3 Nov 1999 23:39:22 GMT Reply-To: kibo@world.std.com Organization: HappyNet Headquarters I was writing a PERFECTLY GOOD program to spam^H^H^H^Hquery a bunch of Web sites at the same time when the computer told me: Argument "CHLD" isn't numeric in entersub during global destruction. So, my apologies about the global thermonuclear war. Hey, it wasn't my fault, the computer did it all by itself. -- K. I am having fun with fork(). ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimp Research Lab Investigated Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 04:37:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > Subject: Chimp Research Lab Investigated > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- The Food and Drug Administration is > investigating procedures at a research laboratory in New Mexico > that has been cited by the government for allegedly mistreating its > chimpanzees. No, no, no, no. When will the reporters learn to make up a story that actually matches the headline they've been assigned? Subject: Chimp Research Lab Investigated WASHINGTON (DC) -- Investigators were suprised when they opened the door and Professor Chim-Chim threw a mushed-up banana at them because he was angry that they had distracted him during his attempt to discover The Grand Unified Theory That People Evolved From Monkeys And Are Therefore Inferior. Professor Chim-Chim's assistant, Puddles, refused to comment, as she was busy enjoying riding her tricycle around the lab as she observed the progress of her quantum genetics experiment displayed in Yerkish on the screen of her superchimputer. Chim-Chim and Puddles are recipients of twelve National Science Foundation grants and are sometimes willing to wear diapers. -- K. (If there was any justice in the world, right now your computer screen would flash "CHIMPIES!" in psychedelic letters and then we'd see chimps running around in cowboy costumes in fast motion.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimp Research Lab Investigated Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 05:33:08 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > mutter mutter POTATO CHIMPS mutter mutter CHIMP SCAMPI > mutter mutter mutter butter butter butter CHIMPOTLE SALSA butter butter butter SPANIACHIMPAKOPITA butter butter butter BITTER MELON ICE CREAM MOCHIMP butter butter butter butter CHEVY CHIMPALA butter butter butter CHIMPACTED WISDOM TOOTH butter butter butter VLAD THE CHIMPALER butter butter butter butter ARCHIMPEDES PLUTONIUM -- K. Will someone PLEASE butter Archimedes Plutonium? P.S. I call legal dibs on the character "Vlad the Chimpaler" and reserve all future story, TV, film, and T-shirt rights. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: November 1, 1999 Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 05:44:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > I'm afraid I have some bad news for you all. Last night, on Halloween, > > Joe Bay was eating his candy and unknowingly consumed a Bit-o-Honey in > > his eagerness. > > My mother once explained to me that I should not scoff at such candies as > Bit-o-Honeys and Mary Janes, for they are both extremely cheap and so > structurally sound that they can be sucked on for an entire day, providing > your lowest-cost candy experience if you are a kid living in a poor > neighborhood in Davenport, Iowa in the scary apocalypsey economic- > turmoiley gap between the end of World War II and the beginning of the > Post-War Boom. > > BIT-O-HONEY SAVED THE TRUMAN PRESIDENCY! Actually, there's a different reason for their existence. Ever looked closely at the "PLAY 'TIL YOU WIN!" claw machine at the K-Mart? I think if you were to, it... would... go... something... like... this: /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ BEN STILLER I gotta get some candy... I need candy... Rats, the claw won't close! CLAW MACHINE Try, again! Play, til, you, win! BEN STILLER Hey, I got something! I got something! It's small... and beige... with sharp corners... DEVIL (played by Andy Dick) Ha-ha-ha-ha! You thought you could WIN! But the machine is entirely filled with Bit-O-Honey! BEN STILLER Nooooooooooooo!!! DEVIL And Mary Jane! BEN STILLER Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! DEVIL And Sixlets! BEN STILLER OH CANDY WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME? CANDYYYYY!!!!! DEVIL Ha-ha-ha-ha! You are in Hell, where candy tastes BAD! BEN STILLER Noooooooooooooo!!! BOB ODENKIRK (voiceover) Join us next week for another episode of Tales From The Cheap Side! Here's a preview: JANEANE GAROFALO Hey, are you the only other person left alive after that nuclear war? My name is... Eve. ADAM SANDLER (played by Andy Dick) I'm Adam and I'm chillin'! Hee-hee-hee! BOD ODENKIRK (voiceover) Tales From The Cheap Side has been brought to you by Mary Jane candy! Mary Jane, the candy that sounds like it tastes like hemp! -- K. And by Go Wax, the car wax that's also a laxative! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.religion.misc,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: new movie: THE CURSE OF DARTMOUTH COLLEGE Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 06:07:11 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In talk.religion.misc and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Dartmouth in science is vacuous and insignificant. Yeah, but they have a nice sanitary kitchen these days. > The Dartmouth Curse actually started a long time ago in that > Dartmouth never had a Nobel Prize. They've never won the Super Bowl either. > There will be many more misfortunes, mishaps and tragedies > in science at Dartmouth. And guys who cry when the girls won't go out with them just because they have dishpan hands and are wearing a homemade cape. > Dartmouth systematically harassed and persecuted Archimedes Plutonium > to get > him to quit and leave Dartmouth. That's right, Arch, you didn't get fired, you quit. I'm prepared to believe that until I hear otherwise. Now on to the next sentence: > It finally came to an end in early 1999 when Dartmouth College fired AP. WHAT? DARTMOUTH FIRED YOU? I AM SHOCKED AND TOTALLY SURPRISED AND AM NOT BEING SARCASTIC AT ALL! > But I am happy because if I were to remain at > Dartmouth, I would just rot. I'd hate to see you then. You'd be a rotting meathead. > Dartmouth science professors instead of helping AP, mocked and persecuted AP. I didn't realize you ever saw any of them in your kitchen. > Dartmouth laughed at AP for 10 years, THE WORLD LAUGHED AT BOB HOPE FOR OVER 90 YEARS! AND YOU, SIR, ARE NO BOB HOPE! > now the world will begin to start to laugh and hear bad news about > Dartmouth College science and math. You're announcing that you're going back? > I have outgrown Dartmouth, and the hand of God is going > to put me somewhere else. Maybe someday the hand of God will also clue you in about having outgrown those high-water pants. > The first thought on my mind after being fired from Dartmouth College Wait... you were FIRED? [now Archie quotes his favorite piece of fan mail from the huge pile he's received] > --- quoting a letter from Boston --- > > May 20th, 1999 > > Dear Mr. Plutonium, > > On a more personal note. I am deeply saddened to hear of the problems > you are currently having with Dartmouth. I hope, regardless of these > problems, that you are able to continue posting your thoughts and ideas > to the Net. A scientist of your magnitude and intellect has a solemn > duty to share your knowledge with humanity. What if the first > Archimedes had been silenced, and his great works lost to the world? > > Since the beginning of time, all great scientists and thinkers have > been persecuted by the so-called, 'Scientific Community.' These people > will do anything to protect their soiled reputations and flawed > theories. They can never acknowledge your accomplishments, for doing so > will surely expose them for what they truly are. They are little better > than common street thugs and degenerate ruffians! They band together in > packs, like feral dogs. They know that their powers resides only in > their vast numbers, and the apathy of the common man. > > You must stay strong and fight the good fight! Do not let these small > minded bigots deter you from your sacred mission. Fear not, Mr. > Plutonium. I truly believe that the history will, one day, prove you to > be: 'The King of all Science' Gee, Arch, by any chance, had this letter been typed on typewriter that didn't have a smiley key? -- K. Boston, eh? Gee, what a coincidence, that was mailed from Boston on May 20th, the day I was out of town all day. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,sci.physics,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Windows into God Almighty Lord; end of USA science tour 1999 Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 06:12:42 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I end this tour of the USA for I departed Pittsburgh > for Ithaca once more and now am on my way home to > Canada. Soon I begin the European tour but expect to > not have computers easily available to post and tell > you of Europe. That's odd, I could have sworn I just heard the world's tiniest violin yelling "AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" ARCH, YOU MADE THE WRONG KIND OF SARCASM COME OUT OF MY IMAGINARY VIOLIN! > I want to return in the future and talk more about > Nucleosynthesis as the most important activity, and an > activity set apart from all other activities. And that > Nucleosynthesis is the activity of God Almighty itself. It takes place in his intestine and occasionally God craps out a gold egg. -- K. You know, Arch, even in the 14th century, all the other alchemists would have thought you were a bozo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: What's with all the socks? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1999 20:19:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I recently went to K-Mart to buy some underwear. (No, I didn't go there with that ultra-cool Tom Cruise guy, but yes, I did eat some of their unsanitary spaghetti while I was there.) In addition to underwear, I bought socks. K-Mart carries 48,007 kinds of socks. 20,000 of them are Hanes, 20,000 are Fruit Of The Loom, 8,000 of them are either K-Mart brand or other brands whose packaging looks exactly like K-Mart's, and 7 of them are trendy. Needless to say, I don't like trendy socks. Because I wear boots, I wanted really heavy socks. After finding where the ones that weren't tube socks were hidden, I was confronted with way too many levels of sockness. Lightweight. Mediumweight. Athletic. Heavy. Utility. Work. Yes, there are "Utility" grade socks now. Apparently they are lighter than "Work" and heavier than "Heavy". I think. Because I avoid eating "utility grade" meat wherever I can (having once been forced to eat in a college dormitory) I also chose to avoid the utility grade socks, and besides, the "work"-styled socks felt the thickest. I wound up buying Fruit Of The Loom brand socks and Hanes brand underwear. Now, here's where I get suspicious: Did you know that Hanes is a division of Sara Lee? That's right, they make PASTRY and UNDERWEAR. Collusion! Collusion! WE WILL MAKE YOU STUFF YOUR FACE WITH FATTENING FOODS SO THAT YOU NEED NEW UNDERWEAR AND WILL BE WILLING TO SETTLE FOR REALLY WEAK ELASTIC IN OUR CHEAP UNDERWEAR!!! And if Sara Lee's/Hanes's "corporate synergy" of manufacturing fruitcake and underwear seems like a mere coincidence, let's look at their competition: Back in the 1970s when "Fruit Of The Loom" first had those stupid commercials in which actors dressed as a wide assortment of fruit (green grapes, purple grapes, grape leaves, and an apple which was the token non-grape) jumped out of men's underwear and went "BOINGGGG!" for some reason, the... original... green... grape... was... ...RICHARD SIMMONS! So, there you have it. One underwear company is owned by pastry, and the other used to hang around with Richard Simmons. MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT? Also, why the hell do tube socks exist? They're uncomfortable, because your foot has an ankle in it where the sock doesn't. They wear out really fast because the ankle is sticking out of this random non-reinforced place. They fall down even easier than regular socks. Hypothesis for their existence include: (1) Maybe they're cheaper to make because they're symmetrical. But they sell for the same price as real socks. So even though they may make a higher profit on tube socks, there's still no reason to buy them. (2) Maybe we're supposed to think "Hey! When the bottom of the sock gets dirty, you can just wear the sock upside-down to put the grass stains on the top of your foot where everyone can see them while you're not walking on them!" That's just plain bozotic. (3) Maybe some people are just too stupid to be able to figure out which part of the sock their heel goes into in the first place? I find it hard to believe people are too dumb to be able to operate socks. After all, even that guy in "Rain Man" could operate his K-Mart underwear. If you have any ideas why tube socks fill up so many racks at K-Mart, please post your theory. -- K. I think all the Muppets should be changed from regular to tube socks to show how lame they are. And how lame the socks are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What's with all the socks? Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 05:26:53 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, why the hell do tube socks exist? > > I can't believe you're being this insensitive to those of us with tube feet. That's odd, I didn't know you were an echinoderm. Tell you what, Jorn. We'll give you the test to check: Get an oyster fisherman to chop you up into bits and throw you back in the ocean, then we'll see if all five of your arms grow back. If we cut you just right you might turn into one of those weird six-armed Jewish starfish. Why do starfish have their feet attached to their arms, anyway? Do they have hands attached to their feet? Fingers between their toes? In any case, having tube feet is not the primary reason I am indifferent to the plight of the lowly starfish. When they stup jumping out of the tide pools and trying to rip off my face, THEN I'll give them some sympathy. Incidentally, I will give five cents to the person who can draw the most regular five-pointed star on a grid of black and white pixels of any size between 2x2 and 12x12. If you think that's hard, I once had to draw a screen font to match Zapf Dingbats for a computer which had pixels twice as tall as they were wide. So, you folks have a much simpler task: See if you can draw something with 72-degree rotational symmetry on a nice easy SQUARE grid. I'm waiting... -- K. If Anson Williams were an echinoderm, he'd be a costarfish. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.food.veg From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Animal-57-related patent X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 04:46:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.religion.kibology, Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > [from "The New Scientist"] > > CULTURED MEAT | Reluctant vegetarians may soon be eating steak > again, if three Dutch inventors--Willem Van Eelen, Willem Van > Kooten and Wiete Westerhof--have their way. The team has cooked up > a method to mass produce meat without causing suffering to > animals, through industrial-scale cell cultures (WO 99/31222/3). > Small samples of cells are taken from an animal and cultivated in > nutrients on a spongy matrix of collagen. The process is said to > work with cells from cows, sheep, chickens and even shellfish such > as oysters, crabs and shrimps. The inventors say their experiments > show that "enormous quantities of cells can be obtained in a very > short time". I like that the author of the article thinks vegetarians will suddenly start eating meat now that scientists have found a way to make it grosser. Also, why do they claim it's "steak" if it's just a big semi-liquid pile of individual cells? THAT'S NOT STEAK, IT'S SLURRY! (Coming soon to a supermarket near you: Slurky! It's like turkey and it's like steak and it's like slurry! Don't slurp the slurky!) Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > Excuse me, would you pass me a cube of beef, a wedge of > chicken and a shapeless blob of oyster? Remember how, back in caveman times, Fred Flintstone would take the same bite of his giant drumstick over and over? Well, in the future, billions of people will be able to take different bites of the same cow over and over. The entire world will be inhabited by one cow, who will be distributed evenly across all continents in racks of gleaming green petri dishes that extend to the horizon. The distributed collective of undifferentiated cells of cow will be approximately ten kazillion times as massive as an ordinary cow, and almost half as intelligent. Wait, that was a description of the Internet community, not a cow. But, if I could be serious for a minute, I'd like to talk about "Star Trek". On "Star Trek" all their food comes out of "the replicator", which is a machine that can turn an empty plate into a plate covered with food simply by making a humming noise and some sparkles. Irrespective of the physics involved (why do they turn down the lights when they need to conserve power if they have so much energy lying around that they make matter out of it all day?) there are three ways the replicator could work: 1.) It could have a database which describes the composition of foods algorithmically, in the sense that it would know that an orange is x% sugar, y% citric acid, and z% ethane (for ripening) and then synthesize the appropriate number of each molecule and assemble them in a semi-random fractal pattern, to create something with perhaps a little more texture than a compressed block of pureŽd orange, but still randomly assembled, resulting in an appearance sort of like a granola bar where some of the aggregated bits tend towards peelish-ness and some tend towards seedish-ness and a few even tend to be zesty. Thus, it would randomly form something where the chemistry of every cubic millimeter was a representative specimen of some part of an orange, and it would synthesize millions of these and stick them together. I feel this technique would make unacceptable oranges, but it would work well for candy bars and especially Spam. 2.) Alternatively, the replicator could simply be "the transporter" connected to a twentieth-century VCR, where first Starfleet Materiel Supply Command Headquarters beams up an orange (as in "Tron") and records all the information about its exact structure. (Presumably they have a few hundred supercomputers devoted to storing all the segments of the orange.) This recording is then played back to beam down an exact replica of the orange whenever they need that orange again. Again, this would work well for homogenous items like candy bars and spam, but I feel it would lead to unhappiness for meats -- know how, when you're eating a meat, you will sometimes come across a bit of sinew, or one of those blood vessels that looks like a tiny piece of elbow macaroni, or an area of the animal where the muscle texture appears to have been wadded up in no particular direction? In real life, you'd eat around those whenever you found such a defect (which all real animals have at least one of somewhere.) If you replicated that particular chicken breast, then in the future every time you ate chicken you'd have to be on the lookout for The Blood Vessel In Quadrant Four, and every meal would be ruined because you'd know that that blood vessel would always show up. So, the Federation would have to digitze several hundred chicken breasts and randomly cycle through them to keep you guessing, and that eliminates the usefulness of replicating them if they can only make 100 chicken breasts from 100 other chicken breasts. 3.) I feel the most likely theory of operation of the replicator is that a small robotic arm drops a puck of compressed soybean fibers onto the plate, and then the ship's environmental systems release a puff of a powerful hallucinogen into the air to fool people into thinking they're actually eating food when they're really just eating soybeans. And just to throw them off the trail every once in a while the computer would spray drugs that made them think their soybeans patties were actually soybean patties, so if anyone ever became suspicious about the strange pink clouds coming out of the air vents, they'd never think that they might be used to disguise soybean patties as other soybean patties and would trust their food. Mmm, soylent imaginary... -- K. Also, if you were on the original "Star Trek", you'd have to eat little cubes of orange and green kitchen sponges all the time because that's what they ate on that show, at least until they discovered quadro-triticale. So how come they never thought of eating the tribbles? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fame, ain't it a bitch Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 05:56:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Leeb" (nurd@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I always use to hate it when someone would pop back after a few > months and act as though anyone _cared_ they were back. Hey, you sound a lot like Lee Bumgarner! I wonder what ever happened to him. > After spending a good five years of my life trying to become a Usenet > celebrity, I now want to slink into the shadows of lurkdom. It just > got to the point where I would say "boo" and some member of The Brain > would go: > > "Well BOO YOU LEEB, YOU LOUSY GUI LOVIN PEICE OF..." NEW FROM MICROSOFT! BOO U LEEB WITH A NEW GEE U EYE! NOW WITHOUT ANNOYING RULE ABOUT EYE BEFORE E EXCEPT AFTER SEE! > But at the behest of the Usenet Cabal, I've decided go once more into > the breach. (Why do I feel like a Usenet Nixon, attempting to reclaim > my good name?) Oh, great, now Richard Nixon's posting to Usenet, and in The Other Universe, Lee Bumgarner's posting to The Wired Nation! > Anyway, just for the record, I'd like to say that I'm a team player, > nothing I say on Usenet should in ANY FRINKIN WAY be construed as > either an actual representation of my personal life or serious and I > love all god's chillins. I'd just like to say that if Nixon had gotten that idea for "The Wired Nation" off the ground, now people would be making fun of him for claiming to have created the Internet instead of Al Gore. > I still think Usenet II was a dumb idea. > I still think Usenet and the Web will eventually meld into one. > I still think we {may} eventually have to pay per-packet for Net use. Yes, and the packets will turn into extra bandwidth when dipped in hot water. > I'll try to be fun'ni as much as possible. I'm just not feeling very > in tune with my fun'ni side right now, though. So everyone else say > things that make me want to shoot milk out my nose. > > Please. First shoot some milk into your nose and let us know when you're ready. -- K. Incidentally, what Al Gore actually said was that he was head of THE AGENCY which created the Internet, but he didn't mention whether he was in charge of said agency before or after it created the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Every so often. Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 05:59:37 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I just ate some store-bought chicken gumbo and it tastes exactly > like the sort of bland vegetable soup I never liked when I was a teenager. > Nothing at all like that rad gumbo I had at that Cajun restaurant me and > my family can't afford to go to anymore. Dipping bread into it doesn't > help because it's not the same with Rainbo sandwich bread; it just gets > soggy and gross. > > You can't taste the okra at all. I can. I'm tasting it from here. I'm tastin' okra all day and all night, even while I sleep. I LIVE FOR THE TASTE OF OKRA! I don't actually eat it, I just taste it. IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE THING! -- K. People never simply have principles, they have principles "of the thing". What thing is this? I would really like to know on general principles. And on completely specific principles which will never be applicable to any other situations ever again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.writing,alt.religion.kibology,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: writing while drunk Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1999 07:39:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.writing, alt.religion.kibology, alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner, "Leeb" (nurd@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I've been thinking a lot about how Usenet has helped my writing. I > didn't know it at the time, but pounding away at Usenet posts allowed > me to developing my "voice." I feel sicking. -- K. I wish to reference my earlier comments about heteroskedasticity to explain why *I* don't proofread what I write. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Group to research firefighting foam Date: Sat, 6 Nov 1999 03:28:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com UPI wire-serviced: > > Subject: Group to research firefighting foam > > JACKSONVILLE, Fla., Nov. 5 (UPI) -- A settlement between the State of > Florida and Jacksonville-based Bird Emergency Aid & Kare Sanctuary will > result in the first-ever study of whether fire fighting foam harms > waterfowl. Nope. That article was supposed to say Subject: Group to research firefighting foam IN A GERMAN DISCO FILLED WITH SOAP SUDS, Nov. 5 (UPI) -- etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. Everyone knows that Germans like riot foam mixed in with their disco music. Of course, if you don't like the idea of lots of Germans fondling the soapy bodies of other Germans in a carbonated mosh pit, the article could also have said Subject: Group to research firefighting foam JACKSONVILLE, Fla., Nov. 5 (UPI) -- Some guys tried to put a fire out by throwing Nerf balls at it. It didn't work. They will try again when their skin grows back. The end. Why can't the people who write the news write what we want to see? Why can't I get a job making up the news for CNN? -- K. Today, President Dukakis shot and killed Carrot Top in a foam-filled German discotheque! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Funny? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 07:39:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Aaron A. (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > I can't decide if this is funny or not funny. It seems to have some > funny elements, but I'm unsure if it can be considered funny as a whole. > Please render your expert judgement. > > +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ > > There is a woman who comes in to where I work from time to time. I > don't know her, but she certainly seems to know us. And every time > she's there, she offers all the tellers beef jerky. Beef jerky -- not funny. Turkey jerky -- funny (two "k" sounds.) > It would appear that she has a never-ending supply of the aforementioned > jerky, as she has at least one new and one revisiting flavour > every time I see her. Today it was Teriyaki and Honey Glazed. Honey Glazed -- not funny. Teriyaki -- funny ("k" sound.) Turkiyaki -- really funny (two "k" sounds.) > Honey Glazed makes an appearance every other week or so. Unlike Turkiyaki Turkey Jerky, which is INVISIBLE! > +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ > > So is this anecdote funny or not funny? And would it help if I added "I > am not making this up?" I am not funny. <-- I am making this up. -- K. I just threw out some perfectly good chicken nuggets that were terrible. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Spiderman with theme of sexual abuse X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 07:54:55 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [sci.psychology.psychotherapy, sci.psychology.personality, sci.psychology.misc] Barbara C. Johnson (barbaracjohnson@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Subject: Spiderman with theme of sexual abuse > > Where can I purchase or otherwise obtain a copy of Spiderman, a > specialized version of the comic book with the central theme of sexual > abuse? I don't know, but if there's one place in the world where you'll be able to find people who collect pornographic "Spiderman" comic books, it will probably be on the Internet. In fact, it'll probably be all of the Internet. > It was read by a therapist to a three-year-old child and is > believed to have caused the child to focus on his penis and indulge in > what has been described as inappropriate masturbatory behavior. Where can I get a copy of the Internet? I know a guy who once read the Internet and then accidentally focused on his penis and his eyes STAYED that way. And then he started collecting perverted "Spiderman" comic books. And he had to hold them in front of his penis to read them 'cause his eyes were stuck. Then lawyers started describing his masturbatory behavior in public, causing the public to focus on his penis. This is why I am bringing a class action lawsuit against the manufacturer of the Internet. > I'm also interested in getting copies of good-touch/bad-touch coloring > books used by therapists of children suspeced of being sexually abused. MOMMY! THE MAILMAN'S COLORING ME WHERE MY BATHING SUIT COVERS!!! > Thanking you in advance for your anticipated responses, GLEEP YUBBA BLORNG BLORNG DEE-YADDA-YADDA DINDLE WOXWOX YINKY SPLUNCH!!! I betcha didn't anticipate that response! Now give me $20. > Barbara C. Johnson > Attorney at Law, Andover, Massachusetts > False Allegations: http://falseallegations.com > Forever Fascinating: http://falseallegations.com/scstore/indexstr.htm > Participating Attorney: > http://www.lawguru.com/cgi/bbs2/user/browse.shtml > Expert: http://www.ExpertCentral.com Would YOU trust an annorney who collects perverted "Spiderman" comics? -- K. "I am looking for the issue of 'Spiderman' that the people who are into total spandex enclosure enjoy." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,talk.politics.theory,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Movie: AP's Science Religion Odyssey; about to embark for Europe X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 7 Nov 1999 08:26:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.edu, talk.politics.theory, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Dartmouth-Halifax) But I thought you got fired by Dartmouth. Or was that just the real Dartmouth and not their imaginary branch campus in your shack in Halifax? I sure hope your imaginary friends in your shack pay you better than the real Dartmouth did. > A few more comments on Bowdoin College for I spent a delightful > late Autumn day there. I like how Bowdoin has an entire end of Boston's Blue Line devoted to it. > And several of the buildings of Bowdoin College are neat, like the twin > spired one and the art building. And I liked the Polar Bear statue. Do you mean "liked" liked or "LIKED" like? Did you touch it where its fig leaf covered? Did anyone point at you and yell, "STATUARY RAPE!"? If so, then I could make a lame pun. Of course, you'd appreciate it even more than normal people because you kept talking about the "statue of limitations" affecting your lawsuit. (Was this bear the statue that defeated you in a court of law?) > Bowdoin has the only student union that I know of that is > housed in the gym building, so that you can take the comfort of > relaxing in a sofa in one room and then go lift weights in another room. Whereas, Dartmouth-Halifax has everything in one room! > This reminds me to some extent of FSU whose swimming pool is adjacent to > the student union for a quick swim before eating. Yes, Arch, PLEASE drink three really cold milkshakes and then go swimming. > But here in Maine with drastically colder climate the practical solution of > housing the entire student union inside the gym is a nice Maine Yankee in > King Arthur's court solution of making the student union more comfortable > to students. That's right, I had forgotten all about the chapter in the book where Mark Twain complained about how the library chairs were too hard and it imepeded his ability to win the Nobel Prize while eating candy. > And I should have stopped and looked more carefully at that waterfall dam > (hydro-electric generator?) by the bridge as I departed Bowdoin. I promise > myself to do so the next time. And it makes me think about those roads or > Expressways that follow water for a considerable distance and how nice of > a view and scenery is flowing water as one drives. I take it you have to make frequent rest stops to urgent relief? > And come to think of it the trip to Halifax from Houlton Maine through > Fredericton and Moncton follows alot of water. In my driving, whenever I > go over dams, I have the irresistable compulsion to want to look > at the water below, but my sense of caution and danger to > driving usually prevents me from looking down. And I have this game I play > when driving near water, whether over bridges or alongside rivers or other > water bodies is to try to "figure out in a split second glance of the eye > upon that water body which way the water is moving". Yeah, is the creek going UP or DOWN the side of the mountain? > It was extremely difficult for me to tell looking at one side, mind you, > one side of Bowdoin College dam and waterfall for it was a complex water > motion. But I have this game that I play with myself, DING DING DING! Here comes the parade of Dancing Bears Which Announce That Hundreds Of People Are Updating Their .Signatures! +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | "I play with myself" -- Archimedes Plutonium, November 1999 | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ > as to be able to recognize in a water-wave-form, in a split second > recognize which way that singular wave of water is moving. It is not an > easy game for I have not yet recognized any patterns. You know, Arch, you might want to clip'n'save this: * Rivers usually go downhill until they get near the ocean. Downhill is the direction your feet are when they're not in your mouth. * Near the ocean, look in the newspaper for a tide table. Tides usually occur at predictable times unless you're a bozo. > But let me tell you of another "fluid motion pattern" that I think I maybe > onto something. Please do not tell the petrol-oil companies. HEY, OIL COMPANIES! I GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU! ARCHIE IS A NITWIT! THAT IS ALL! If there's anything specific I should not tell them, please let me know. > But I suspect that the flow of gasoline at self serve pumps is not an > accurate measure when the pump is variable -pumped. What I mean by variable > pumping is that I quickly let the gasoline pump and then stop, quick spurts, > not a steady flow. I suspect that alot of gasoline goes by "for free" into > my gasoline tank by the quick spurting flow of the pump because > the excess flow is not registered by the pricing and volume monitors. > Now I could be totally wrong on this but so far, BUT THEN THE UNIVERSE WOULD EXPLODE DUE TO THE HAPPENING OF SUCH AN INCREDIBLY IMPOSSIBLE EVENT!!!! > in my experimenting, I have found that some fill-ups have seemed to be > greater due to this pumping technique. Plutonium-Inspired Porno Movie Music Band Name #44: ARCHIE'S PUMPING TECHNIQUE > And perhaps it is only certain types of pumps, not every pump has this > "unregistering overflow". If this is true, then this posting will probably > notify someone and corrective measures taken. So, then, if pumps aren't giving everyone free gasoline tomorrow, this will prove your theory was right, eh? > Perhaps I should not have told my secret, if true, and should have taken > advantage of oil-petrol companies. > But, the King of Science takes advantage of everyone in the world, except those who take advantage of themselves. > and I delight more in telling of shortcomings in the social system rather > than to keep-on-taking-advantage over the social system for that enhances > my bragging. I don't know, I think finding someone who wanted to listen to you would be the best enhancement for your bragging. > Lastly, I want to say that twice now I have observed some beautiful sunsets > over the Nova Scotia sky, IN CANADA, THE SUN SETS DIRECTLY OVERHEAD! > especially the one of Friday night 5NOV99. Did anyone else see that sunset. No, Archie. You were the only one who was outside on Friday night. > It is hard to describe but to say that part of the sky on the righthand > side was blue with white cloud streaks, but 3/4 of the > sky mostly in the middle and to the lefthand side was a blazing red only > it was rotating or had what appeared to be rotary motion of this flaming red baby's head watching the Teletubbies > with gray and the Sun looked as if it was being caught up in this rotary > motion. One of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen and since this > is the second in Nova Scotia I am wondering if Nova Scotia has some favoring > characteristics that their sunsets are so brilliant. Why do I keep thinking of Dr. Theophilus from "Buck Rogers"? > I have also noticed that the sky is full of stars which indicates to me > that the air pollution is low, unlike California where you seldom see > the night sky stars. > > And I am home again in Canada, my second home and am in the > process of making this second home comfortable. My first home is > South Dakota where I shall make myself extremely comfortable and > begin to incorporate the various businesses of the Plutonium Atom Foundation. I didn't know there was more than one kind of dishwashing. > The concept of "comfort" for me in the August years of my life (A month in your life feels like years to us.) > is very important for me. Not only in material comforts-- microwave, > washing machine, freezer, garage etc, but also in mental comfort-- --a soft squishy brainpan-- > can take a bus to university rather than fight traffic and parking. Have you considered getting a job in their kitchen so you can just live in one of their dorms? Maybe they'd even let you use their computers. > Mental and material comforts is an important concept that I will have to > work out in the next years such that I am as happy as possible. > > I leave for Europe soon DING DING DING! Here come The Dancing Bears Of Joy! > and do not know if I can post to the Internet once over there. No, they don't have the Internet in Europe. It doesn't go across water. > It is one nice thing about Microsoft that they have contributed not only > for email of Hotmail but also they have enriched schools and libraries of > the USA to have computers. Yes, they enriched schools by selling them stuff. Arch, you do realize that Microsoft doesn't make computers, right? > AS the US Justice department weighs and considers judgement on Microsoft, > they should also consider that Microsoft has been a leader in making the > USA in the 1990s such a strong nation and that the economic boom of the USA > in the 1990s was in large part due to companies such as Microsoft. > So why hobble or put blindfolds on a winner. To hobble Microsoft may > hobble the USA boom economy. It doesn't matter, they're going to get sued back to the Stone Age after everyone discovers that Microsoft's Y2K fix only delays it a day so that Windows will halt and catch fire on January 2nd. Arch, as your friend, I should warn you that this will cause global calamities, so you should spend some time on a continent that doesn't have any computers until the Y2K crisis is over at the end of the 21st century. -- K. I hear Antarctica's nice if you like it cold.