Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Illegal Pygmy Monkey to Travel from Peninsula to Texas
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 06:32:56 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
The "Bay City News Service", whatever that is, wrote:
>
> Subject: Illegal Pygmy Monkey to Travel from Peninsula to Texas
I hear they just changed the motto on Texas license plates:
TEXAS. MONKEYS ARE LEGAL HERE.
> Peninsula Humane Society workers say a young pygmy marmoset that
> should never have been ordered from the Internet
Monkeys should be ordering from the Internet, not vice versa!
> will soon be headed to a Texas refuge for care with other monkeys.
As soon as they can figure out how to get the monkey off the peninsula,
which is impossible because a peninsula is the same thing as an island
according to Archimpedes Plutonium, the world's foremost expert on
monkeys and peninsulas.
> Spokesman Scott Delucchi said today the roughly 5-inch creature is
> illegal to possess in California, as are all primates except in places
> like zoos and research facilities, but is very cute.
THAT MAKES IT EVEN MORE ILLEGAL!
> ``It almost looks like something out of the movie Gremlins,'' he
> said, ``small body, little round head.''
But enough about Archimedes Plutonium. Let's talk about a more intelligent
subject, like that monkey.
> Nicknamed ``Chichica,'' the marmoset is now about 2 months old and
> probably is native to Peru or Brazil. It has a tail about as long as
> its body, ringed like a raccoon's tail.
I want a tail ringed like a "Jetsons" space raccoon's tail.
> Naive shoppers sometimes get carried away with the novelty of
> exotic animals, the humane society representative explained, and make
> an impulse purchase of iguanas, birds, turtles, or even alligators
> without realizing all the care that is needed.
Yeah, some of those are almost as much work as dogs! I mean, turtles
bark all night and leave big piles of doody all over the place and have
to be taken out for walks constantly and they keep trying to run away and...
Okay, turtles are no problem at all. You just have to put a wading pool
in your living room and let some flies in through the holes in the screen
door once in a while. But dogs, dogs are trouble. Not like cats.
Cats only poo where they're supposed to. Cats never bite. So get a
cat or an alligator unless you like things that bite.
> ``Two or three weeks later they realize this isn't what they
> thought,'' he said.
> Delucchi said workers at his agency receive several such pets
> dropped off every week. Many, particularly iguanas, are adopted by
> staff at the San Mateo-based humane society, where conditions can be
> created to mimic their natural warm-weather habitat.
Iguanas are native to smog-filed regions inhabited by hippies and nerds.
> In the case of Chichica, an out-of-state home was found where she
> can be looked after by a surrogate primate mother. She may be headed
> there as soon as Monday, at a cost of $300 to $500.
If she cannot pay, she will go to debtor's prison.
> Anyone who would like to contribute to the cost can call (650) 340-
> 7022 for more information.
Where can I call to get less information?
-- K.
CALL ME NOW OR I'LL TELL
YOU ABOUT THAT JAR JAR BINKS
LOLLIPOP AGAIN!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Illegal Pygmy Monkey to Travel from Peninsula to Texas
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 08:31:43 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
Richard S. Holmes (rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > [re a wire-service article on why monkeys make bad pets]
> >
> > Yeah, some of those are almost as much work as dogs! I mean, turtles
> > bark all night and leave big piles of doody all over the place and have
> > to be taken out for walks constantly and they keep trying to run away and...
> > Okay, turtles are no problem at all.
>
> How LITTLE YOU KNOW, Kibo "James" Parry! On your next visit to scenic
> Newport News, Virginia, be sure to stop by the Virginia Living Turtle Museum,
> a science museum with exhibits on biological diversity, evolution, and
> adaptation, all of which feature mainly turtles. Oh, and a couple horseshoe
> crabs and some starfish. ("SEA STARS! THEY'RE NOT FISH!!! THEY'RE SEA
> STARS!!!") I mean sea stars.
I see mean stars.
> On one occasion my wife and I were visiting the museum and as we were
> descending the staircase to the lower level, we met a turtle coming
> up. The turtle being only about 8" long, and being a turtle
> ferchrissake, it was having a little trouble with the stairs; it had
> gotten up to about the second stair and was struggling gamely to get
> to the third. I stayed and kept an eye on the little guy while
> Heather went and informed the head of the museum SWAT team of the
> jailbreak in progress. "Thank God!" they told her, "we've been
> looking for him for THREE DAYS!" Then they came and picked him up and
> put him back in his pond. THE END.
Three... days?
Tune in to Fox for "World's Slowest Police Chases!" Which is, of course,
padded out with footage from a single episode of a random sadistic Japanese
game show because whenever anyone's TV special runs short, they say,
"Hey, get a Japanese game show out of the vault."
Just once I'd like to see a "World's Weirdest TV" special that features
footage from MORE THAN ONE episode of one of those game shows. I mean,
sure, it's weird, but it can't be the world's weirdest unless they watched
every episode of the show, in which case they should have a broader
assortment of clips.
_Time_ magazine informs me that the hot new sadistic game show in France
(which is like Japan, only scarier) is "Fort Boyard", and _Time_ says it
features people "being harassed by semi-supernatural figures in latex
costumes."
Does wearing latex make you more or less supernatural? Please let me
know because I have a hot date.
> > > In the case of Chichica, an out-of-state home was found where she
> > > can be looked after by a surrogate primate mother
>
> named Martha Stewart. MONKEY LEARNS TO MAKE TABLE CENTERPIECES OUT OF
> PEANUT SHELLS AND MONKEY TURDS -- FILM AT 11.
I just like how whenever Martha Stewart is showing us how to glue
sparkles onto gold-painted elbow macaroni, she always tells us to
"MAKE IT SO!" Then her house explodes but she travels back in time
to make it not explode but that creates a bio-genetic poly-phasic
inter-tronic virus that turns her into a chicken but LeVar Burton
pushes the right button on the Transporter that makes her body come
back from wherever the Transporter stores you in case of accident
but then the ship goes too fast which makes her turn into a ghost
and then the Borg try to conquer the Universe by acting really really
stupid and completely ignoring everyone who beams onto their ship
and strolls over to their destruct button.
-- K.
BY THE WAY, I THINK SOME "STAR TREK"
EPISODES ARE STUPIDER THAN OTHERS.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Where to get?
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1999 07:40:32 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
[re lunch boxes]
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Once I made the mistake of mentioning to Kibo that in the fourth grade I
> had a metal lunchbox covered not with pictures of KISS or Transporter
> Eagles, but with facts about the metric system. For some reason he found
> this funny!
Not just "funny ha-ha" or "funny strange" but "funny I'M BETTER THAN YOU"!
> Oh, yeah, really funny, Kibo! It's know-nothings like him who crashed
> the Mars Climate Orbiter! A thousand integrated circuits consigned
> to a fiery death, and all he can think about is how the UN won't let
> him say "inchworm" or "milestone" or "shipyard" or "football"!
Actually, all I can think about his how those poor astronauts aboard the
Mars Climate Orbiter are stranded on Mars with no cars, no phones, not
a single modern luxury, just like Enrico Crusoe.
> And believe me, I KNOW about the destruction of integrated circuits. They
> made me take a lab course!
Integrated circuits made you take a lab course? You're a wimp because you
let yourself get pushed around by five volts DC. Us REAL MEAN will stand
up to alternating current, even three-phase power. Why, once I even
touched Martin Caidin's Ford Tri-Motor airplane when he wasn't in it,
and I felt nary a shock from the three-phase current that would have been
flowing through it had he been actually flying it and not busy trying to
track down all the people who made "The Six Million Dollar Man" stupid.
I mean, why didn't all of his guts come shooting out of his bellybutton
when he held a car over his head? And how did they get him back to Earth
after he crashed the Mars Climate Orbiter while trying to keep that mad
scientist from changing the Moon's orbit?
-- K.
I'm not making up that last part -- there really
was an episode where an Alexander Abian-like
mad scientist was trying to re-orbit the Moon,
so Steve Austin had to make his famous solo
trip to the Moon and squeeze the nuclear bomb
really hard so that it pushed the Moon into a
normal orbit and not the mad scientist's choice
of orbit. I think that was the two-parter where
he went to Mars in the first half, and for some
reason the planet Mars was twice as wide as
it was tall. Now you know why Martin Caidin
doesn't write books any more. He's afraid
they'll make them into TV shows.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Woman pleads no contest to animal cruelty in mouse crushing videos
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1999 08:56:15 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In clari.news.crime.misc, clari.living.animals, clari.news.crime, clari.news.crime.general, clari.living, and clari.living.misc,
"AFP" (C-afp@clari.net) wire-serviced:
>
> POMONA, California, Nov 9 (AFP) - A woman involved in making
> "crush videos" -- in which small animals are stepped on and killed
> -- pleaded no contest Monday to three felony charges of animal cruelty.
> A Pomona judge suspended a three-year prison term but ordered
> Diane Aileen Chaffin, 35, to spend a year in jail or the equivalent
> in community service.
Or the equivalent "Twilight Zone" ironic punishment, which is to be
stepped on by The Stiletto Heel Of God.
(Whaddaya think made Meteor Crater in Arizona? Lots of people think
it might have been a meteor! But to them, I say: Have YOU looked
from the crushed mouse-killer at the bottom of the crater?)
> Chaffin and Gary Lynn Thomason, 48, were charged last August
> after authorities confiscated videos showing Chaffin stomping mice
> to death while wearing a variety of footgear.
Now I know why the local Salvation Army sells a box of ten different
shoes (some lefts, some rights) marked "VARIETY PACK" with a little sticker
which says "PERFECT FOR CRUSHING MICE IN YOUR SICK LITTLE VIDEOS."
Salvation Army thinks of everything in order to get rid of the mismatched shoes.
> In "The Tails of Charlies Ankles," which was played at her
> preliminary hearing, Chaffin is heard ordering blind baby mice and
> rodents whose tails were taped to the floor to beg for their lives
> while she crushes them.
It's talking to mice that's the real crime here.
I heard Robert Reed talking to a mouse on "The Brady Bunch" once
but I don't recall him going to jail for that. (He had other problems.)
> The video allegedly was made by Thomason in a home in this
> community east of Los Angeles.
> Deputy District Attorney Manuel Garcia said investigators had
> seized another "crush video" from Thomasons home in which a woman
> squashes live shellfish with her feet.
OH NO! SHE CRUSHED THE OYSTER INSTEAD OF JUST SMASHING IT WITH HER
OYSTER MALLET AND EATING IT! SUCH BARBARISM!
But I'm still happy that I saw that educational news story in
clari.news.crime.general, because women ordering mice to beg for
mercy is the most specific kind of crime ever seen in .crime.general.
Meanwhile, in talk.religion.misc, "Dead End" (dead.end2@virgin.net) wrote:
>
> Subject: I'm going to kill in the name of "God"
>
> I'm sorry if that heading alarms you, but it is completely true. I have
> devoted the past 3 years of a miserable 30-year existence into trying to
> find out what the hell (and I've been there) this "God" wants from me. All
> my life, my family and I have had more than our share of tragedies, chronic
> illnesses, handicaps, bereavements, not to mention financial and domestic
> crises. We've looked around at other people's lives and analysed our own
> lives, and have been made bitter by the endless suffering we seem to have
> been given, whilst others waltz through life carefree. We've been told we're
> being "tested", but for how many decades? Sooner or later there comes a day
> when you just snap and say enough is enough. I can't remember the last time
> one of us had a day when we went to bed with no problems. We haven't been
> bad. We've not been greedy. We've not been selfish. We've even done charity
> work in the past, in spite of our own problems, but nothing ever gives us a
> break. Well I am going to do something about it. It's got to the stage where
> life is just an absolute farce. No explanations, no reasons, no rewards, and
> seemingly no punishments either. In fact, no logic and sense to any actions
> we do. I demand proof of this theory from our faceless "God". Tomorrow I am
> going to buy a mouse from a local pet shop, and, keeping it the carrier box,
> put it in my microwave. It should be an instant death. Cruel? Yes. Insane?
> Not for me - I know exactly my motives and why I have to go thru with this.
Excuse me, but I thought today we were going to hear about someone who
was going to kill in the name of God, not someone who was going to kill
in the name of being a fourteen-year-old loser who's too much of a sissy
to take the mouse out of its cardboard box, which would involve touching
a living thing, before he cooks it.
> I have never done anything like this before. It will be the hardest thing I
> have ever done, vastly against my nature, but nothing else can make my
> point, i.e: that people are walking this earth who have led evil lives,
> taken others' lives, and still have happier existences than I. Before you
> say "they will get their punishment later", I don't buy that anymore. Before
> you say that I will be punished later too, I don't buy that either. I used
> to a few years ago, but no more. I want to prove to the world (and "God")
> that it won't make a blind bit of difference if I take that mouse's life,
> and moreover, that doing either good or bad is completely immaterial to our
> fate in this life. As I said earlier, a farce. In fact, part of me does not
> even think it is a crime, when I recall biblical stories about people
> sacrificing animals, etc. If "God" wants the mouse to live, he can do
> something about it, eg : strike me down dead, make the pet shop be closed,
> make something wonderful happen to me and my family before then, so I say
> "sorry for even thinking of such a deed" (hang on, now that *is* being
> stupid to hope for that), whatever. If anyone reading this wants to save
> that mouse's life, then *you* can try and stop it too - by saying a prayer
> that something will stop me. Why was I laughing to myself when I typed that?
> If you only knew the number of wasted prayers that have been said in my
> house. Don't waste your time! Of course, if you *do* believe in prayer, then
> go ahead, but I tell you nothing will happen to stop me - so then you can
> chastise yourselves for not praying hard enough and contributing to its
> death. Well everyone, that is what is going to happen tomorrow, and if you
> think for one minute you are entitled to tell me I'm out of order, then just
> remember you know *nothing* of the life I've had.
Sure we do. We *know* you *like* to put *asterisks* around all the
*important* words in your *life*, and we know that you can't afford
any pets bigger than a mouse, and we know that you're unable to see
the irony in complaining that someone might waste three seconds saying
a prayer for some fourteen-year-old nitwit who just spent twenty minutes
typing in a rant about how people who waste three seconds are losers.
But go ahead, tell us about the life you've had. I'm sure the fact that
you have no friends makes it okay to pretend to sacrifice mice on the
Internet.
I mean, heck, if the Internet hadn't been invented, you would have to
ACTUALLY sacrifice a mouse so that you could take it to school and say,
"LOOK! I DOOD THIS!"
This is why the Internet is the greatest invention ever. Because it
allows fourteen-year-olds to pretend to sacrifice mice.
By the way, I apologize for posting this reply in a different place
than where you posted, but that's okay, because if you see it anyway
it'll prove that God made you find it. And then he'll step on you
with his stiletto heel.
-- K.
You're not going to make any money
selling mouse-crushing videos
unless you play down the religious
angle. And the pathetic loser angle.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Woman pleads no contest to animal cruelty in mouse crushing videos
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 07:30:13 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes:
> >
> > Meanwhile, in talk.religion.misc, "Dead End" (dead.end2@virgin.net) wrote:
> > >
> > > (hang on, now that *is* being [ ... ]
> > > that mouse's life, then *you* can try and stop it too [ ... ]
> > > house. Don't waste your time! Of course, if you *do* believe [ ... ]
> > > remember you know *nothing* of the life [ ... ]
> >
> > Sure we do. We *know* you *like* to put *asterisks* around all the
> > *important* words in your *life*
>
> What's it called when you're about to confess something that everyone
> already knows anyways? Stupidity?
Baring the dancing bears of your soul.
> Short, shameful stupidity: I am guilty of often putting asterisks
> around words I wish to emphasize. I've seen ALL CAPS, *asterisks*, ::the
> double colon maneuver::, and _the underlines which have no meaning_, and I
> don't know which is accepted Elite Usenet Emphasis.
They all have their purpose. I use them all, except the ::double colons::
which are just plain stupid. But starz are kewl.
Each kind of symbol represents a different vocal effect, giving you
a whole range of Shatnerian nonverbal communication:
CAPS mean an increase in volume. "E... Plebnista... We... the PEOPLE!"
_underscores_ indicate a stage whisper used for emphasis:
"I think Mr. Sulu might be _that way_."
*asterisks* indicate massive emphasis without changing the volume,
usually conveyed through a short pause or clipped diction:
"Mr. Chekov... your *agonizer*."
And of course the old fashioned double hyphen indicates a long
Shatnerian pause which works well with the others:
"*_MIRA_* -- *_MANEE_*!!! *_SPOCK_*!!!"
Other forms of visual emphasis seen on Usenet: Some people do /this/
for italics, although I prefer _this_ (typewriter-style.) You occasionally
see people doing \it(TeX) or HTML (eww) or other more
<> styles of @---> emphasis <---@. Not to mention the
traditional exclamation points!!!! and "misused" "quote" "marks" and,
for the WebTV people, curly ellipses,,,
I feel that, although all of these means of speech emphasis on Usenet
are exciting and fun, we could survive without them.
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ |
| | | |
| | "WE COULD SURVIVE WITHOUT THEM." -- JAMES *KIBO* PARRY | |
| | | |
| +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ |
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------+
-- K.
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > I enjoy quoting myself. -- Kibo
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Found art
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 07:35:31 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> On the 'news' ticker tape, the following juxtapositions:
>
> WOMAN GETS DIVORCE FROM DIRTY HUSBAND
> POLICE SEEK OWNERS OF LOST UNDERGARMENTS
>
> AND THE WORLD'S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS...
> MAN TRAPPED IN ELEVATOR 40 HOURS
They call it tape because it sticks random people together to make
better headlines.
They call it ticker tape because sometimes it's the only thing that
keeps your heart from exploding if you wrap it tightly enough.
-- K.
I was going to say that ticker tape had
five convenient rows of ticks glued to
it like Necco candy buttons on adding-machine
tape, but that would just be stupid.
I mean, who likes candy buttons?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.slack
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: HOLY MAN WARNS OF MOON VIRUS
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 08:19:04 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In sci.astro, alt.atheism, alt.christnet, and alt.religion.eckankar,
"Sharon" (sharon2000@myremarq.com) wrote:
>
> HOLY MAN WARNS OF MOON VIRUS
Oh no! A bad Eddie Murphy movie has collided with "Space: 1999"!
> World nations trying to land astronauts on the moon are sternly warned of a
> wide disaster which could wipe out much of the human race in 1986, according
> to Sri Paul Twitchell, spiritual leader of ECKANKAR,
and Jerry Mahoney's puppeteer.
> The Ancient Science of Soul Travel, a world-wide movement with more than
> 150,000 followers.
Yeah, well, Kibology has more than 270,000,000,000 followers, and over
318,296,000,000,000,000,000 getoutofthewayers!
> In an interview here, Paul Twitchell said "The Moon Plague, which is some
> sort of virus, will have the same disastrous results as the Black Plague
> which almost decimated the population of the European countries in the Dark
> Ages.
You know, it'll be just like the Black Plague except it'll be a virus.
And it'll be from the Moon. And it'll be in the future. And it won't
actually happen. But other than that, yeah, it'll be just like the
Black Plague.
> "Approximately a quarter of the human race will be carried off by the Moon
> Plague
It's the plague so hefty that it has its own gravitational field!
> before the scientists can find an antidote to halt it. Perhaps 100
> million people will be affected by it.
So, let's see... a quarter of the human race will be killed by it,
affecting a total of 100 million people... um... do you think that
someday the Eckankarites will discover there's another hemisphere now?
> "The only areas not to be touched by it will likely be New Zealand, Ireland,
> Iceland, parts of Australia, Mexico, and the lower part of South America,
> Alaska, Scotland, Tibet, Northern Canada, Scandinavian countries and the
> desert areas of the United States, Central Asia, and North Africa."
Ah. It'll affect everything but the peninsulas.
> The Moon Plague, as Paul Twitchell calls it, will be some sort of virus never
> before found in the annals of human history.
EW! AN ANNAL VIRUS!
> It will be brought back by those who return from duties on the moon.
WE MUST CANCEL THE APOLLO PROGRAM NOW!!!
> These persons returning will be carriers of the virus. It will wipe out
> millions in Asia, Africa, Russia, and parts of the Far East, where the
> population is heaviest and strike the European countries. Except for the
> large cities in the United States, most of the population will not be
> affected.
>
> Paul Twitchell, who has been 85% right in his predictions,
Paul Twitchell is not not an idiot.
Hey! Six of those seven words were true! And 6/7 = 85.71%!
I'M POINT SEVEN ONE PERCENT LESS BOGUS THAN PAUL TWITCHELL!!!
> warns that the space agencies should look into the atmospheric conditions
> of the moon and other planets which could be dangerous to the human body,
> before they are opened for extensive explorations.
Do not open the Moon! Put barricade tape around it! And, for god's sake,
SEVEAL orange cones!
> Tokyo, Japan, Times; July 10, 1969, Reprinted from Paul Twitchell's "Mystic
> World" article of July-Aug-Sept 1969, in the ECKANKAR book "Difficulties of
> Becoming the Living ECK Master" No publication date; copyright 1980 by
> ECKANKAR.
Wasn't "Eck Masters" that Nickelodeon show where kids got to throw
balloons filled with green slime at their little sisters while
going down slides into wading pools filled with peanut butter?
> ----------------
>
> From the Shariyat-Ki-Sugmad,
If you write that in Arabic it's exactly the same shape as the dashed line
that comes out of Little Billy's butt as he runs away from the crazy man.
> Book II...the "Holy Scriptures" of ECKANKAR....
OH, I WAS CONFUSING IT WITH THE _OTHER_ SHARIYAT-KI-SUGMAN, THE HOLY
SCRIPTURES OF DUH!
> "The Mahanta, the Living ECK Master, is not one who merely gives precitions
> of the fugute,
I once had sushi and they didn't clean the fugute fish right and it
gave me horrible precitions.
> but he is the ECK prophet. There is a vast difference in the two.
There are many degrees of eckiness.
> Those who give predictions are merely the readers of the psychic files
> from the lower planes; generally those of the astral world. But the Mahanta,
> the Living ECK Master, gives divine utterance from the SUGMAD. He is the
> channel for the voice of the SUGMAD, and in this case nothing comes from the
> mind, but directly from the heart of the Almighty.
New God With Talking Heart!
> Phophecy (sic) is of a highly specialized nature and few, if any, can become
> one who can read the ECK-VIDYA records. It is usually the Mahanta, the
> Living Eck Master, who is the prophet of the followers of ECKANKAR.
It's amazing what a complicated organizational structure this religion
has given that it can't possibly have more than four members.
I mean, they'd lose in a rumble with the "seaQuest DSV" fan club.
> This is of central importance because it purports to show that no one can
> establish himself as a prophet without proper background, the certification
> of the SUGMAD. The answer is that anyone who proposes to act as a prophet
> without the highest initiation in ECKANKAR is apt to believe that he might
> be. But this is self deception on his part and because of this he will make
> many statements from out of the mind which are considered to be truth. He is
> only one who can predict with a reasonable amount of accuracy which is only
> from the psychic worlds. So many times his prediction will not hold true,
> nor will it show any accuracy after a certain degree of time.
REMEMBER, NEVER BELIEVE ANY PREDICTIONS MADE BY THE SECOND BEST PERSON
IN OUR CULT! MOST OF THE LEADERS OF OUR CULT ARE JUST AS DUMB AS YOU!
> Only the prophet knows and hears the voice of the SUGMAD. He alone can give
> the truth; the prophet is the Mahanta, the Living ECK Master. He awakens the
> faith and spirit in every individual with whom he comes in contact whether it
> is in the flesh or the Atma Sarup. He speaks with the pure essence of the
> ECK. This is the ultimate purity and unity, the all-embracing wholeness,
> the quintessence of truth." pp. 34-36
>
> "The teachings of ECK are the pure doctrine in this world. There are no
> others which can reach the same level as ECK." SKS II, pg. 14
My eck once backed up above the level of the bowl and I had to
buy a new bathroom.
> The current Mahanta, the Living ECK, Master, is "Sri" Harold Klemp. The new
> "spiritual center" of the universe is the Temple of ECK in Chanhassen, MN.
> It would have been built in Arizona, but according to Klemp:
>
> "I'm moving it for several reasons. In the past there have been a number
> of psychic forces hovering around the site. We've also had to consider the
> political situation in South America which is going to push people north
> into overpopulated Mexico, then into the southwestern United States."
> Klemp, "Be the Hu" -- for initiates of the 2nd circle & above only.
Just for alt.religion.kibology, HERE COMES A MEME!
"BE THE HU IN A BALLOON!"
> If you're interested in learning more about ECKANKAR, the "Religion of the
> Light and Sound of God" you can call 1-800-LOVEGOD for a FREE book.
>
> Although ECKANKAR requests a "donation" of $130 per year for membership,
Yay! A free book for only the cost of ten regular books!
> High Initiates and Official ECKANKAR Clergyman at the newsgroup
> alt.religion.eckankar have stated that this is a SUGGESTED DONATION ONLY and
> that there is NO REQUIREMENT to pay for the members-only discourses.....after
> two years of membership, you may request the second initiation in ECKANKAR.
At which you find out why it's also called SPANKANKAR.
> The first initiation comes in the "dream state" and you may or may not
> remember...but that doesn't matter.
You will be billed for it anyway even if you don't remember leaving your
house that day.
> High Initiates and Clergyman of ECKANKAR certainly wouldn't lie. They're
> God-Realized. Really. Ask them. They'll tell you so.
We should ask them whether they would lie?
Geez, that logic is so dumb it wouldn't even fool a "Star Trek" villain.
The episode would end halfway through with William Shatner shouting
"THIS IS TOO STUPID!" and Leonard Nimoy would join the cast of
"Mission: Impossible" in such a hurry that he'd forget to take off his ears.
> And, of course, as a legitimate religion and non-profit organization,
> ECKANKAR certainly wouldn't deny anyone the freedom to connect with God
> (which they call SUGMAD) over a little thing like money. The IRS wouldn't
> be too happy about that, either.
Exactly what WOULD make the IRS happy, anyway?
I mean, isn't the popular characterization of them to be humorless,
unsmiling, joyless creeps? You know, like school bus drivers?
>
>
>
> Hugs!!
>
> Sharon
> Totally De-Initiated Former ECKANKAR member
> http://members.delphi.com/sharon2000
>
>
> " . . . each of those who are ECKists must come to the realization that they
> each, belong to the chosen race of the superior being. All others are
> aliens, that is those who have not yet voluntarily taken up the path of ECK.
> These aliens, as we speak of them, are, in a way, heathens or pagans who have
> not yet found truth. They are the agents of the Kal, and the enemy of those
> who are the followers of ECK." Paul Twitchell, Illuminated Way Letters, pg.
> 268
And the followers of Kal have to eat only Kal Kan, the pet food made
by white supremacists for their pets.
>
>
>
>
>
> Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
> Before you buy.
DON'T BUY INTO ANY RELIGION WITH A STUPID NAME WITHOUT USING THE INTERNET!
Wait, the Internet *is* a stupid religion. Never mind.
-- K.
I recall Rev. Ivan Stang once called
Eckankar "The Stupidest Cult(tm)",
and I will defer to his expertise...
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Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Mushroom Label Needed!
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1999 08:27:28 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In sci.psychology.misc, "MN MAGIC" (mnmagic@aol.com) wrote:
>
> HI,
>
> I am working on a presentation dealing with advertising and marketing. I Am in
> Search of a copy (or original) of a label from a mushroom can in which the
> mushroom pieces in the picture spell out S-E-X.
I thought they all did that.
> If you know where I can find one please e-mail me.
Tell you what. I'll send you a secret message hidden in some pretzels
I just ate.
> Thank you
> Shawn
> The whole world's a stage and I forgot my lines!
That's okay, I'll sell you cue cards for a dollar.
-- K.
What Shakespeare meant was that
the world was a microscope stage.
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Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Maryland public libraries censoring
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 07:18:38 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In soc.libraries.talk, M. Baker (mmbaker@my-deja.com) wrote:
>
> Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote:
> >
> > How would Maryland public libraries users, public libraries personnel,
> > public libraries novice personnel, public libraries recruits, spouses,
> > family, friends and public libraries unions collective bargaining
> > labor relations advocates get access to legitimately public Maryland
> > public libraries long range planning reports and related
> > information?...
> >
> > More clarity is needed regarding freedom of information, open
> > government and open public meeting sunshine intellectual freedom
> > principles for Maryland public libraries.
>
> Don, are you now randomly targeting libraries in other areas to
> complain about?
Random? I'm sure he's doing them in some kind of order. He should have
successfully completed his plan to annoy all the librarians in the world
around 2043, at which point he'll start working on annoying the librarians
on other planets (particularly that mean old Mr. Atoz and Mira Romaine
on Memory Alpha) and then when he's visited all the libraries throughout
the Universe he'll start travelling in time so he can visit the Great
Library Of Alexandria. (I mean, if both Carl Sagan and Roy Scheider
could do it, Don Saklad can do it.)
-- K.
There's no truth to the rumor that the
Library of Alexandria burned down because
Carl Sagan dropped his joint. However,
I do believe that Roy Scheider's talking
dolphin kicked over a kerosene lamp.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: It's Official
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 07:27:42 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
"revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote:
>
> Yay! I have OFFICIALLY been diagnosed as:
>
> Bipolar II (hypomanic-depressive)
HEY EVERYONE, REVJACK IS BI!!!! STAY AWAY FROM HIM OR HE MIGHT
TURN YOU GAY TOO!!! HE'S A TOTALLY BI HYPOSEXUAL DEVIASSIVE!!!
> Y-OCDS 25/31 "Severe"
Only 25 out of 31? Pfui! I got a perfect 800 on the MMPI
and I also have a perfect I.Q.!
> I'd love to stay and chat but I need to go clean the
> doorknobs again DON'T FUCKING TOUCH THEM hey I think I
> figured out a way to make a pollution-free internal
> combustion engine BZORT gaahh what's the use
>
> Least I'm not CRAZY. Wuh.
Take this simple test:
1.) Do you wear a homemade cape over a shirt with atoms drawn on it?
2.) Are you searching for a place to insert a Cosmic Massmeter?
3.) Do you believe a K-Mart in Cleveland is electronically raping you?
4.) Can you understand anything Manley Hubbell says?
5.) Are you still enjoying new episodes of NBC's "seaQuest DSV"?
If you answered "yes" to one or two questions, you're crazy enough to
be on the Internet.
If you answered "yes" to three or four questions, you're crazy enough to
be famous.
If you answered "yes" to five to eight questions, you're crazy and a
big show-off.
-- K.
And if you read this whole article,
you're a BOZO!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Bookstore evil
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 07:38:42 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
"Lots42" (lots42@aol.com) wrote:
>
FING FANG FOOM! DUPER KONTEXT-AWAY OF TOMORROW BLASTS CONTEXT INTO
THE NEGATIVE ZONE!
> Imagine putting comics in any rack and how they would rest against part
> of it, being well supported. The parts of the rack I'm talking about are
> small so instead of the comics being well supported, they drape OVER
> the rack and become all bended and stuff.
JERRY SEINFELD: Waah! This hurts! Stop cranking this thing!
SHIRTLESS MAN IN HOOD: Heh heh heh. Keep makin' me laugh, comedy boy!
JANEANE GAROFALO: Stop stretching my arms, you big bully!
SHIRTLESS MAN IN HOOD: Heh heh heh. That's the sound of the world's
tiniest violing laughing its butt off!
CARROT TOP: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
SHIRTLESS MAN IN HOOD: HAW HAW HAW HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!
JOAN RIVERS: Ack! Ack! Ack! It's like the constant pain
from my facial skin being stretched so tight
only it's all over my whole body!
SHIRTLESS MAN IN HOOD: If you ask nicely I'll also stretch your career
another twenty years past its prime. Heh heh!
YAKOV SMIRNOFF: (cursing in fake Russian)
SHIRTLESS MAN IN HOOD: Yeah, well, let's see you do standup now that
your legs have popped out of their sockets! Haw haw!
LENNY BRUCE: Hey, I kind of like this!
SHIRTLESS MAN IN HOOD: Aw, damn.
> Which is kinda okay. I mean if one of my comics gets bent, big deal. I just
> don't want them pre-bent.
Pre-bent Caroline Leifer had never before seen a hand puppet vomit oatmeal.
SWOOSH! KONEXT-AWAY FLIES OVER THE McIRVIN LIMIT AND RETURNS TO THE
DIMENSION OF TERROR FROM WHICH IT CAME!
-- K.
I was also going to try to work in
Bob Hope, but I think he'd just
shatter if you tried to stretch him.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: The Earth Is HOLLOW !
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1999 07:59:50 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In sci.geo.geology -- an oddly mad-scientist-infested newsgroup given
that it's about rocks -- some guy calling himself "GOD" (god@god.god)
replied to an article by Robert McElwaine:
>
> The earth is not hollow. It in fact grows and gets larger in cyclic phases.
> A new growth phase will soon be upon us. With luck, the evil american empire
> will be completely destroyed.
Or maybe it'll just get a lot bigger.
And then, in a separate article, "GOD" added:
> If you worship peace on earth you must do one thing. You must consume your
> waking moments with wishing for the entire destruction of the American and
> British empires. You must think this thought the first thing when you awake,
> think it all day long and make it your last thought when you go to sleep.
God speaks English pretty good for a Commie!
> If enough people think this way, the collective conscious power will make it
> happen.
> Amen.
You misspelled "Atom." Hope this helps, Archie.
-- K.
If I were you I'd start by destroying
England because that would be easiest
because it's just a peninsula.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: rec.arts.bodyart,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Kibo
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 07:23:39 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In rec.arts.bodyart, Chris Cook (ccook@bdgp.lbl.gov) wrote:
>
> I remember when I first started reading Usenet off of an overloaded
> Waffle BBS in the late '80s (Back when the net was a smaller place)
> they, you know 'them', would say that James 'Kibo' Perry filtered all
> the newsgroups searching for his name. I wonder if he still does.
It depends. I hear he always misses it if you spell his last name wrong.
-- K.
Handy mnemonic for remembering
the spelling: 'a' is for 'a bozo'.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: I wish...
Date: Sat, 13 Nov 1999 07:45:59 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
...I wish it were still the 1950s so that it would still seem clever to
do radio comedy acts consisting of calling an imaginary horse race:
"...AND UNDERWEAR IS RIDING UP IN THE REAR!"
But I suspect that living in the 1950s would be problematic because
I wouldn't be able to make my head turn into a cartoon wolf's whenever
my secretary enters the office, and I bet I'd hate the taste of Blatz beer
because its name sounds too much like "Plotz" plus "Barf".
-- K.
Hey, Fonzie, let's you and me
and Richie go beat up Plotzie!