Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Research on SETI and dreams
Date: Mon, 15 Nov 1999 07:09:03 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In alt.dreams.toltec, "carolyn groth" (collegeofdreams@ozemail.com.au) wrote:
>
> This message was originally posted with the WRONG date so if you missed
> it please read !!!
Oh no! I already read this message next month! Now I have to
reconfigure my whole time machine just for this article!
> If you have had a dream of extra terrestrials or of non earthly
> places or phenomena then our research team would like
> to hear about your dream, AND its effect on you. You can email us
> at research@collegeofdreams.com.au or visit our website
> www.collegeofdreams.com.au
Eww. Now grad students are giving anal probes.
-- K.
This sentence was originally
posted by the WRONG person
so if you're reading it now, don't!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: I love misdirected mail
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 04:09:20 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
This file showed up in my E-mail, completely unsolicited:
> ************************************************************************
> NOTICE - This message contains privileged and confidential information
> intended only for the use of the addressee named above. If you are not
> the intended recipient of this message, you are hereby notified that
> you must not disseminate, copy or take any action in reliance on it.
> If you have received this message in error, please notify Discovery Health,
> immediately.
>
> Any views expressed in this message are those of the individual sender,
> except where the sender specifically states them to be the view of the
> Discovery Health Ltd.
> ************************************************************************
DEAR RANDOM PERSON,
HI, I ARE SENDING YOU SOME PRIVATE E-MAIL, BUT FIRST I AM ADDRESSING IT
TO SOMEONE ELSE.
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING, IF YOU ARE READING THIS MESSAGE,
PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS MESSAGE.
THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE HAVE AIDS:
JOHN SMITH
JON DOE
MAGIC JOHNSON
CALISTA FLOCKHART
I. P. FREELY
BOB HOPE
BOB HOPE'S GOLDFISH
SSH!
THE END.
-- K.
The really funny part is that
it was attached to pornography
that someone at Discovery Health
was trying to E-mail to a list
of all their friends. Of course,
if they can't figure out what their
friends' E-mail addresses are,
it's a cinch that they can't
figure out how not to keep
"THIS IS AN OFFICIAL DISCOVERY
HEALTH" document off their porn.
And the most bozotic porn ad
I received in today's pile'o'spam:
> Specially for You, we have
> extracted an unique collection
> of top class Croatian private
> amateur porno movies, which is,
> you must agree a very rare
> and exotic product.
>
> [...]
>
> And not to mention that there
> is no any Croatian porno movies
> at Internet at all!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Have some happy happy happy spam!
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 04:51:42 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Some highlights of E-mail spams that recently made it through Layer 1 of
my spam filters but not Layer 2.
> Have you ever worried or wondered what a child can access on the Internet?
Yeah, like, do the kids ever get stupid spams?
> I have emailed you because after I reviewed your site I have found the design
> outstanding. My name is Lisa and I am the webmaser of See OneSex.com I
> have went to your site myself and reviewed it for a link that I would like to > place
> in my search engine to your site
Given that they sent this to a made-up E-mail address at my domain, I doubt
they could even FIND my site with both hands and a flashlight. I'm also
a little worried about the radiation from this "webmaser".
> Do you or someone you know have a Family Reunion coming up? Kuppler Graphics > would like to
> provide you with some great looking T Shirts for your Reunion.
There is a fine line between a family reunion and a religious cult.
It's whether they're all wearing the same shirt.
> Sewing Discounters of America is an authorized sewing machine dealer
> in the South Florida area.
Sew freakin' what?
> UNSOLD ORDERS OF SEW & SERGE SEWING MACHINES!
I think Citra and Mountain Dew make better sewing machines than Surge.
> We're searching for only 10 elite individuals with the work thic
> necessary to generate a cash-flow for themselves of $2,000 - 5,000
> per week,
"We're searching for people who are so thic they will fall for this scam."
> WHAT THE OTHERS SAY IS TRUE!
>
> Parts are available at "The TV HUT" or any electronics store.
I would hope so. I mean, most electronic stores sell SOME sort of parts.
> Thank
> You
>
>
>
>
> ?|
> |?
This Othello game's off to a slow start.
> Hi Julia!
Hi, Einstein!
> From: BigSecrets@aol.com
> To: undisclosed-recipients:;
> Subject: New Carl Sagan biography
> Date: Thu, 14 Oct 1999 14:09:28 EDT
>
> [Unable to display image]Now in stores!
> "Carl Sagan: A Life in the Cosmos" is the story of a great American dreamera
> nerdy kid from Brooklyn obsessed with the idea of life on other worlds. Sagan
> grew up to become the most visible proponent of exobiology, the would-be
> study of alien life. To the public, the subject had an appeal scarcely
> equaled by any other scientific issue. That appeal, combined with Sagan's
> personal charisma, made him the best-known scientist of the media age.
AUGH! NOT ONLY HAS WILLIAM POUNDSTONE TURNED INTO A SPAMMER, BUT HE
CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO PASTE IMAGES INTO HIS E-MAIL! (Thank God!)
I used to respect Mr. Poundstone (author of the "Big Secrets" books and
a few volumes on mathematics, and generally a person interested in the
writing about the same esoterica I'm interested in reading about) but
now I'm starting to wonder if his sister Paula is the brainy one.
(Yes, it's him. See his Web page at http://users.aol.com/bigsecrets .)
> You can invite your friends to your Virtual Reality 3D Home.
I'd like to invite you to kiss my virtual ass.
> Hi
>
> I am in RI and I am looking for a Volvo transmission and/or a
> whole Volvo 4cyl.
>
> The transmission is for a 1981 6cyl Volvo sedan. Looking for
> other parts too.
>
> If you have, pls email me
Let me get this straight -- he knows how to rebuild a Volvo
transmission, but he can't figure out that there are better ways
to find 20-year-old junked cars in Rhode Island than by spamming
the entire world?
Fortunately, I do have a 1981 Volvo transmission here, but
I can't figure out how to E-mail it like he wants.
> Thank you for your Posting and feel
> free to post again. In addition to Free For All Links,
> Classifieds and Search Engine Listings, here is something
> else we can offer you:
>
> WORK AT HOME OPPORTUNITIES
I like the spams that start with non-sequiturs that the spammers
seem to think we'll believe are an excuse to spam us.
You know, like
"Dear Kirstie: I enjoyed my date with you last night.
Buy wholesale cow manure at low prices!"
> I am sending you this mail to ask for your help.
> I am sick of having to pay for my connection to the net,
> and would be grateful of any money you could send me to help
> with the cost. If you wish to help me, please contact me at :-
>
> dwleeper@cari.net
I'm supposed to contact you at half a smiley? What?
You know, maybe you wouldn't have to pay so much for Internet
access if you weren't sending out spam to to 10,000,000 people.
And what sort of bozo can buy a computer and can't afford
$10 per month for Internet access?
> That's right! You can now charge Star Wars merchandise to your
> phone by using eCharge!
That's better than charging it to _me_ because I have one of those
new phones that pays its own bills from income it makes at its
night job as a payphone. (Okay, so I'm pimpin' my phone. But it
brings in the quarters.)
> Sandstorm Productions is the only authorized eCharge reseller
> of Star War merchandise approved by AT&T.
Do they also have wireless Internet access approved by George Lucas?
I'm getting tired of having to pay Gene Roddenberry when I use
my cell phone.
> Hello!
> What is your age/sex/location please?
>
> Cya,
>
> Gus
I am trying to divide age by sex and location but I don't
know if sexual division is left- or right-associative.
Also, I know how to convert my location to numeric coordinates
but I don't know what the number is for "STUDLY".
> FINALLY THE MOST SUCCESSFUL DIRECT MAIL
> PROGRAM IN THE USA FOR THE LAST 3 YEARS IS
> EXPLODING GLOBALLY THANKS TO THE POWER OF
> THE INTERNET AND YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE
> ONE OF THE FIRST TO BENEFIT !!
I AM PLEASED YOU ARE EXPLODING !!!!!
> I DON'T REGRET THIS OPPORTUNITY...I TOOK IT AS A 'SIGN'!!
THIS SPAM HAS STIGMATA OOZING WITH CYBER-BLOOD!
Now we have some mail addressed to nonexistent people at kibo.com:
> Well, I dropped Paul off so I could have the car. I stopped
> by Walmart and Toys R Us. Here is what I found...
>
> There are two brands: Mega Bloks and Legos.
> Personally I would choose Legos since it's a more common name
> and I would trust it more. Besides, the toys are basically
> the same price.
>
> Legos has a container of 70 pieces for $10.
> Legos has a container of 140 pieces for $20.
> The age on these is 11/2 - 5 years.
>
> Mega Blok has a container of 90 pieces for $10. The age is 2-5
> and they are "Mini Mega Bloks."
> Mega Blok has a container of 700 pieces for $10. The age is 3-8
> and they are "Micro Mega Blok."
>
> I would be willing to buy whatever you want if you want something.
I really gotta stop ignoring these misdirected personal messages.
I coulda had free Legos!
> Please be advised that the password to Landmark Graphics Corporation's
> ftp site will change effective 9:00am CDT Monday, July 26, 1999
>
> The new ftp username/password combination is as follows:
> [...working password to corporate FTP server was here...]
COOL! You went out of your way to put really high security on
your Web site and FTP server and then mailed out passwords to
random bystanders!
Too bad they weren't a games company.
> Hi it's Brent From CAMP BETHEL. Robbie told me your
> e-mail adress.Whats happing,nothing much here.
> Remeber when the power went out at camp.Everone scared
> me that night even you did.
That Robbie's so smart.
P.S. LOOKOUT, THERE'S A SPIDER ON YOU!!!
> Hello Dan, you have joined our register a while ago but you haven't
> become a member yet.
>
> Did you know that we are the worlds largest information website for
> personal trainers.
Yes. Did you know that Dan is dead? I killed him. WITH MY BARE HANDS!
> All articles contain either photos, diagrams or
> charts and we are about to start using digital video articles. Last months
> article releases included :
>
> Fear the squat no more (Paul Chek) United states
> Oriental Diagnosis (Monica Linford) London
> Training the Upper back (Douglas Brooks) United States
> Traithlon preperation (Sheldon Persaud) Canada
> Conditioning golfers(Paul Chek) United States
> Preconception Health Care(Janette Roberts) Australia
> Deep water running (Kerri Parkinson) Australia
> Cafeine (Glenn Cardwell) Australia
Oh, it's too bad Dan won't get to see these thrilling video articles
about caffeinated underwater squats in Australia.
> send me please information about licence for use in cristal and
> promotional products
>
> best regards
> jorge lobato
Sorry, I am in some way connected to ceramic tiles, not crystal.
-- K.
You should see the stuff
which DOESN'T get through
the Level 1 filters.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Have some more happy happy happy spam!
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 04:56:38 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
More highlights of recently-received unsolicited bulk E-mail, also known
as spam. Note that the pattern these days is that spam always starts with
a paragraph of baloney claiming it's perfectly legal, or a slightly different
outright lie where they claim I personally requested that they spam me.
(Sometimes they even pretend it's a reply to a message I supposedly sent.)
Well, they can't fool me! I am smarter than my E-mail!
> This is a responsible email being sent by Enginefinder.com
Yeah! It's RESPONSIBLE... FOR MORE DEATHS THAN HITLER!!!
> if (navigator.appName == 'Microsoft Internet Explorer' && event.button==2)
>
> {
>
> alert(msg); // Delete this line to disable but not alert user
>
> return false;
>
> }
Sure, there's NO WAY the user will notice that comment if you
delete the stuff that's just to the left of it.
> Please kindly find your inquired information as follows :
That's odd, I don't recall inquiring about a list of prices
of hundreds of used and/or stolen modems, and even if I did,
I probably would have checked the box marked "English" and not "Yoda".
> Hi! JusticeAid is proud to announce it's web site [...URL...]
> to the world which reveals the scandals that Professor J. A.
> Young, Pro-Vice Chancellor of the University of Sydney,
> Australia, conspired with Vancouver police to commit break and
> enter (into his adversary's residence in Vancouver, Canada) ,
> theft. This documentary report is being distributed to six billion
> of population
All of whom personally requested it. In alphabetical order.
Just think, we can get this spammer kicked off the net if only
a TENTH of the recipients complain!
Of course, I suspect he didn't actually mai to six billion
people. I received about 20 copies of it, so there are probably
19 people somewhere wondering, "Hey! Where's MY spam?"
> NOTE: You have received this email because you have either
> sent us your offer or requested information from us in the
> past thereby adding yourself on our in-house mailing list.
> We do not sell our list to anyone.
Yeah, sure, and neither did the people who sold their list to you.
One wonders who this "zafiwubuya@kibo.com" person is who gets more spam
than any of the other nonexistent people at kibo.com.
> You have tried other Work From Home Bussinesses, but they did not
> work for you?
I tried feeding my six cats nothing but spam, but it caused six
different fussinesses.
> You are receiving this email because you have recently downloaded a
> demonstration version of OtsJuke DJ from the OtsJuke web site.
Not me. I wasn't even the guy who downloaded all those vowels
from your trademark.
> With every breeze, you'll enjoy these charming birdhouse windchimes.
> Approximately 6" long, crafted of wood with metal chimes, each one
> of these windchimes is hand painted and highly detailed.
>
> You'll love them all. Assorted designs, let us choose one for you.
At last, a shopping concept for those of us who are tired of having
any control over what we buy! Sure, choose which one I want to buy!
And how many! And at what price!
> GRABNOW would like to apologize with you, because of an error you have
> recived an e-mail promoting our web site. This will never happen again.
But... I didn't get the spam they're apologizing for.
I DEMAND AN APOLOGY FOR THIS UNWARRANTED APOLOGY!
> To: "Daily Devotional From LivePrayer" (dailydevotional@list.flanet.com)
>
> You or a loving friend have added you to this list.
It's so nice of the filthy lying spammers to pretend I have friends.
> HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATES
>
> EVERYBODY LOVES THEM
Then everyone must keep adding them to the "Daily Devotional" mailing list.
> But you may not know that there is only one oral delivery system
> that has
> been proven to effectively transfer HGH across the oral mucosa
> into your
> bloodstream.
This is the same oral delivery system that makes M&Ms Minis come
flying up out of the little tube, up your nose, and into your brain.
> Hit button to hear no more. Sometimes reply dies before we get to it.
Aww, poor dead spam.
SOMEONE PULLED THE PLUG ON THE SPAMINAL 57'S LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM!
> ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS OVER THE INTERNET
> Regardless of Your Credit Rating!
JUST ASK PEOPLE TO MAIL THEIR CREDIT CARDS TO YOU!!!
IT WILL WORK BECAUSE SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE EVEN STUPIDER THAN YOU!
> Dear Colleague,
>
> Because of your professional standing in the school technology
> field,
Waah! I'm standing in the school field because the coach wouldn't
let me wear my street shoes in the gym!
> Regular Joes Earning $50,000 per month by the 6th month!
Joe was rich AND pregnant!
> The Free Booklet is a booklet of where and how to get great free stuff.
Especially free E-mail messages about free booklets.
> Hi, My name is Christie. I am a Southern Californian girl who is into
> dancing, partying and hanging out at the beach. As an amateur model and
> aspiring adult movie actress, I need your help to gain my internet
> popularity and to get me an adult movie deal. If you help me, you will
> be rewarded with Free Smoking Pictures of me taking my clothes off by
> the beach.
Smoking Pictures! The porn that makes you cough!
> TALKING PERSONALS & PHONE CHAT WORKS!
>
> STRAIGHT, BI-, KINKY, CURIOUS, FRIENDS...
How about one for those of us who AREN'T curious about sex?
> A free version of SPACE GASS for Windows can now be downloaded from [URL]
Poor Spot! He took a sip of the Milky Way and now he had SPACE GASS!
-- K.
And it keeps rolling in...
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Have yet more happy happy happy spam!
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 05:48:09 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
I have now finished cleaning the spam out of my mailboxes for the week.
In order that I might get rid of it -- here, you take some of it:
> UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS
>
> Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,
> and the admiration of all.
BOW BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY "HAMBURGER UNIVERSITY OF THE AIRWAVES"
E-MAIL DIPLOMA, FOOLISH PEONS!!!
> If you are in Pasadena and would like a coupon for some of your favorite
> shops and restaurants,
Damn! I should have gone to Pasadena to read my E-mail!
> This is a one time mailing, however, if you wish to be removed anyway,
I got three of those.
> This is a 1 time mailing
And seven of those.
YAHTZEE!!!
> \par \tab Doing it right involves many factors. Some painters
> may paint over alligatoring and rotting surfaces. "Without proper
> preparation the job will only last about a year," states Ed. ELF
> makes recommendations such as burning and stripping,
At last I got some spam which actually IS erotic! Burning,
stripping, AND alligatoring!
> 2) Those 16 people mail out 200 letters, (3200 letters) and ONLY
> 256 people
> send you $1.00
>
> 3) Those 256 people mail out 200 letters, (51,200 letters) and
> ONLY 4, 096
> people send you $1.00
>
> [...]
>
> 5) Those 69,536 people mail out 200 letters (13,107,200 letters)
> and ONLY
> 1,048,576 people send you $1.00. At the Next level your
> name-drops off the list.
So you see, to a computer, "64K" _really_ means 69,936 idiots.
I mean bytes.
GET RICH WITHOUT BEING ABLE TO MULTIPLY BY 2!
> You could win up to $50,000 in cash instantly!!!!
> just play the game in this email and reply back which animal is the
> odd one out of the pack and you could be rich!!!
Them deformed animals sure got lots of money to give away!
> Recipe for today - widely known as
> "Grandmothers Own"
>
>
>
> Creamy Coleslaw:
>
>
>
> 1 bag (450g 6 portions) of pre-shredded coleslaw mix or
> medium green
When Grandma wasn't designing her steam-powered Web site, she
was running to the grocery store to buy pre-shredded coleslaw
mix to make her homemade prefabricated cole slaw.
> Small Town Entrepreneur Discovers Amazing, New Way to Earn Money at
> Home!
>
> FREE REPORT Reveals....
>
> How You can Earn $2,240/Wk...$8,960/Mo... Sending Fax-Ads to Business
> Offices in Your Area.. From your Home Fax Machine!
>
> DOESN'T INVOLVE SENDING UNSOLICITED FAXES WHATSOEVER!!!
Meanwhile, thousands of people are having this faxed to them
except the last line says, "DOESN'T INVOLVE SENDING ANY E-MAIL SPAM!"
> Please do not respond to this e mail, e mails will not be read!
Especially not the hyphens!
> YOU Drive!
Damn! I should have asked Gardner if I could borrow the Traskmobile!
> IGallery is the exclusively online distributor of the
> Houston 500 World's Biggest Gang Bang video feed.
So, that would be 500 people chasing each other around the bed
until someone waves a checkered flag?
They go on to warn me:
> It's destined to become this year's Pamela Lee-Tommy Lee feed
IT'LL BE BIGGER THAN POKEMON AND ALMOST AS SEXY!
> Theoretically speaking a human body reserves enough energy to
> build a sort of shield inside everybody of us and harmonize our
> IE systems for health enhancement and disease prevention.
> The IE is gathered, circulated and stored in the body.
Eventually, the Internet Explorer is excreted.
> It is not a apam. You got this e-mail because you are a member
> of Vendor search.
It are not a apam, it are a piece of ahit.
> ONE NATION CLASS LOT UNDER NATURAL LAW NERVE INSIGHT WITH MATTER
> AUTOGENOUS ATTRIBUTES OUT RIVALRY ILL-FOUNDED CITY In Memory File
> At Stability Healing Input Of Dynamics Collective Composure
> RESOURCES RESOLVING ISSUE: DEBT FUSS AMID FUNCTIONALISM? JURIST,
> READ, STUDY AND ANSWER; THE KINGDOM PARTS QUEST...
> {....}.<- - - Accept (EKISTICS GOVERNANCE AS 1999) Reject- - ->.{....}
Yay! I got mail from Spamley Hubbell!
Let's read more:
> Datum Technocratic Fellowship Seeks Ocean Design Unity
> PROTOPLASM PROFESSIONALIZED CONDUCT, THE PRACTICE
> OF PEACE, ETERNITY AND ALLEGIANCE WITH STABILITY AMID
> CITIZENS DAILY AGENDA CAN ONLY BEFIT THE TRUTH WHERE
> THE SITE OF MALE AND FEMALE PRIORITY IS GRACE, HONOR
> AND OBEDIENCE IN MATTER WITH LIFE UNDERSTOOD YOKE. I
> CAN STAY HOME CONTEXT AS LONG AS LAWYERS, DOCTORS
> AND EMPLOYERS SHOP INVENTORY DECISION TO PURGE THE
> WORLD DECEIVE NOT THE TAXONOMY BY WHICH THE WORLD
> CAN BE TRUE WITHIN ITSELF AS RELATED TO THE INDIVIDUAL,
> THE FULFILLMENT AND THE THOUGHTS WITH COHESION IN DO.
It's amazing that, with enough effort, a human being can
try really hard to make their speech patterns appear to
be completely random. Sandbox nougat blender midwifery,
ASDADF MOXIE BLUEPRINTED BAGEL OR CRINKLY THE!!!!
> [continues for a few hundred lines]
>
> SPEAKING TO THE WORLD TOP EXECUTIVES SUBJECTIVE AUTHORITY
> REGARDING THE ESSENCE OF ENGINEERING AND I ASSOCIATIVE WE,
> PLEASE, REVIEW CLASS ATTACHED FILE, [TKOBZ-BANKING.WPD] AND
> [MY-SPACE-AD.WPD] WEBSITE LINKS TO MUNICIPALISM WORKFORCE,
> SEND ME YOUR SERIOUS BUSINESS REPLY. I AM IN NEED OF A TRUE
> DECISION IN FLOW CONCERNING COPE DEVELOPED TRADE HOOKUP.
Okay, I will review your declasse' attached file,
tKibo's-Banking.Wiped. GEE, I WONDER IF IT WILL MAKE MORE
SENSE THAN THIS?
> [from the attached TKOBZ-BANKING.WPD file:]
>
> TIDE SCIENTISM RESEARCHING COPE BASIS DUE RESOLVE BANK IN A JOB THING OF
> POLEMICS ORGANIZED COMMONWEALTH
> X __________________________________________________________________
> ______________________________________________________________
> > _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _(THINKDUMO)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ? T I C K H M O N A
> D U E M U Z Y ! _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _(THINKDUMO)_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
> ________________________________________________________________________
> ________________________________________________________ SYSTEM CONTINENTAL
> SEARCH TO LOCATE THE WORLD, THE SHOP AND THE DOOR WITHIN SCHOOLS PROMOTING
> SERENITY
Oh. It seems to have become garbled in transit. Ladybug mayonnaise
elastic delta dinosaur wafflicious eater fraying spandex or evil
immolating vector hubris.
-- K.
And this note came in addressed to
webmaster@a.non-beef-related.Web.site:
> please send a copy of beef stew
> receipt i heard on the air on
> 11/8/99 thank you
WAAH! I LOST THE RECEIPT FOR MY BEEF
STEW AND NOW I CAN'T CLAIM IT FROM MY
SMART REFRIGERATOR!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Have some happy happy happy spam!
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 22:09:26 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
> >
> > David Pacheco will now bring up all the times I have said something
> > stupid on ARK.
>
> SHAN'T! SHAN'T! SHAN'T!
Stacia will now tell us about all the times I haven't said anything
stupid on a.r.k. She'll read that list to you between two TV commercials.
> Instead, I'll tell you what I saw today as I was coming home from work:
> I saw a man pouring a giant plastic jugful of milk into the radiator of
> his Volvo station wagon, which was stopped in the middle of traffic in
> the Hammersmith roundabout. Other than that, he looked completely
> normal.
Was it non-fat milk or the kind that tastes good? This is important
for me because I don't want to read about icky non-fat milk.
Me, lately I've been drinking that new "Vanilla Egg Nog" that they're
selling, which is milk plus cream plus sugar plus vanilla without
any of that disgusting fluorescent orange artificial bubble-gum flavor
that has been used in traditional egg nog for centuries.
Re recent discussion about how English people say "roundabout"
and Americans say "traffic circle" and New Englanders say "rotary",
I would also like to throw my two cents into the hat that's been
thrown into the ring and mention that any place in New England with
"Circle" in its name is an ordinary intersection, not a rotary,
and any place with "Square" in its name is an alley.
-- K.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: soc.history.science,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: AP`s SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY; European tour
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 06:00:53 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In soc.history.science, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc,
Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Dear World, I am on the European leg of my tour to visit the site
> of the World`s famous science.
Gosh, you're sure getting lots of mileage out of that Greyhound bus
pass that they claimed wasn't valid.
> I am sorry to report that Europe is very much closed as far as access
> to Internet.
This is why there is not one person on the Internet outside of the
United States.
> Not even Cambridge in England, for not only did they ask me to leave
> the library but also asked me to "get off of their grass lawn" in the
> courtyard where Sir Isaac Newton measured the speed of sound.
So how fast did the phrase "OI, GET OFF THE BLEEDIN' LAWN!"
travel through the air towards your very special head?
> So I have alot of notes that I suppose when I get back to the USA
> will need to spend time in posting those notes about Europe.
> At this moment I am at Zurich ETH library looking for the sites
> of Balmer & Rydberg of spectral line fame for which was the
> validating medium to accept the Quantum theory as truth and the
> Bernoulli family of math geniuses. I do not know if Zurich is the
> site for them or whether Bern or some other place in Switzerland.
> And I am having trouble with this computer format at the moment.
World's Longest Moment, 1993 To Present.
> But I want to say that the person to chose for the Millenium,
> even though Quantum Mechanics replaced Newtonian Mechanics is
> Sir Isaac Newton since he systematized physics. The one person
> who changed the world the most in the last millenium wss Newton.
> I will be the man of the millenium in the next millenium celebration.
Are you still jealous that _Time_ made Hitler the 1938 "Man Of The Year"?
> Atom
Egoyan.
-- K.
Or, in Archie's case,
Atom Egocentrist.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: soc.history.science,talk.philosophy.misc,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: AP`s SCIENCE-RELIGION-ODYSSEY; European tour
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 06:46:48 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In soc.history.science, talk.philosophy.misc, and talk.religion.misc,
"Don" (spiers@tesco.net) wrote:
>
> I can see that Archimedes Plutonium learned very little about Europe,
> science and manners before he went on his tour.
It's okay for him to have bad manners. He's just the King of Science,
not the King of Manners!
Actually, I don't think Manners would have a King. Manners would have a Queen.
Of course, Archie would be disqualified from being either King or Queen
of Manners because he spent most of his life in the United States.
On the East Coast, even. (If he had grown up in California or the
Pacific Northwest, perhaps he could be saved, but out here in the East
we're beyond redemption.)
> The University is a academic institution and not a historic theme park.
Yes, but Archie has been planning to buy Dartmouth College and rename it
Plutonium University. I'm sure that Plutonium University will be more
of a theme park than any European university will ever be.
> It costs a lot in time, effort and money to maintain. That is why colleges
> don't like visitors to walk over certain of the lawns. Foot-pavements are
> provided for people to walk on. Perhaps A P is unfamiliar with the concept.
I'm just surprised he didn't bring all three of his bicycles that he keeps
telling us he owns. Just think, he could make three different kinds of
tire tracks on every part of the lawn.
Of course, because Archie likes to file imaginary "legal-law lawsuits",
if he discovers the purpose of lawns he'll undoubtedly start ranting
about "legaln-lawn lawnsuitsn"...
> If visitors treat the place with a little respect they are always welcome.
> Hospitality should not be abused. I wonder why he was asked to leave the
> library: lighting up in the loos perhaps?
I can't imagine Archie would smoke. Except for those toy cigarettes made
of chocolate. I imagine he's leaving a trail of candy wrappers across
Europe at the moment. Maybe he got sticky chocolate fingerprints all
over the library books?
Alternatively, maybe they just threw him out because they confused him
with Don Saklad.
> Perhaps, if he cares to be a bit more open-minded he will learn what
> life in the real world is about.
Why would Archie want to learn about the real world? His is a lot bigger
and more colorful. And everything in it is made of candy.
> For all of Johann, Jakob and Daniel Bernoulli try Basel not Zurich.
Hopefully while travelling across Switzerland, Archie will get confused
as to whether the official language is German, French, Italian, or Romansch,
and he'll be so distracted by this problem that he won't watch where he's
going and he'll trip and fall on one of those giant motorized Swiss Army
Knives that I assume are in shop windows everywhere in Switzerland (because
we have plenty of them in the United States.)
> I am obviously one of the countless millions who obviously am not on the
> internet.
At least not on the same one as Archie. Your Internet is made of wires
and fiber-optic cables. His is made of licorice.
-- K.
I can't wait until he gets to Italy
and tries to walk across the street
in Venice.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Happiness...
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 06:08:48 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
[on being able to buy your way into the "gifted" class at the
high school where she teaches]
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> The teacher in the room next to us was in Gifted class, but her parents
> had paid bug bux for the Montesori [1] school
>
> [...]
>
> [1] I have no idea how to spell this.
That's 'cause you ain't gifted because you were holding the door when
God was passing out the Bug Bux.
And now, for a bad science fiction moment:
BUG...
BUX...
IN THE...
25TH...
CENTURY!!!!!
I'm not actually going to write a piece of fiction to go with that title,
except to say that if I were, it would have to involve Twiki telling
Bug Bux, "BIDI-BIDI-BIDI, THAT WOULD BE IN THE BUTT, BUG!"
-- K.
Then Bug would ask Twiki what that
funny futuristic bathroom fixture
was, and he'd reply,
"BIDET-BIDET-BIDET!"
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Happiness...
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 10:42:33 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote:
>
> Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote:
> >
> > The school districts have to come up with new terms every year to
> > more precisely define exactly how and what kind of retarded your
> > child is.
> >
> > I remember hearing "Educably Trainable" and other such things.
>
>
> There's a whole range of labels:
>
> Profoundly Mentally Handicapped = vegetable; lies in bed; fed through a tube
> ("Profound")
>
>
> Severely Mentally Handicapped = able to walk around; probably can't
> ("Severe") eat/bathe/eliminate wthout assistance
>
>
> Trainable Mentally Handicapped = can be taught to go in the bathroom to
> ("TMH") masturbate
>
>
> Educable Mentally Handicapped = Can learn to read/do arithmetic at early
> ("EMH") elemntary school level to prepare for a
> career bagging groceries or as a departmental
> supervisor in any government agency
>
> Dull Normal = able to function intellectually at junior high school level;
> ("Jerk") gets involved in long discussions about when Saturday Night
> Live was funny; i.e. typical Usenet poster
>
> There's ANOTHER scale for screwed-upness:
>
> Severely Emotionally Disturbed = everything from childhood schizophrenia to
> ("SED") "Adjustment Reaction of Childhood/Adolescense"
> which is itself subdivided into "Passive" and
> "Oppositional", the equivalent of adult
> "Borderline Personality" which basically means
> "mean as a snake", i.e., M Otis Beard.
>
> Emotionally Handicapped = "Nick is so bright and so creative but we think he
> ("EH") needs to be in a setting where he can work on his
> classroom skills" and where the regular ed teacher
> won't murder him for being such a jerk.
>
> Most school districts are funded on a formula based on something called an
> "FTE" which means "full time equivalency". The above Exceptional Student
> Education ("ESE") labels are FTE MULTIPLIERS. Schools get GET MORE BUX for
> ESE students based on the idea that an EMH kid takes 1.625 (or whatever, I
> just made that number up) more moola to handle than a "normal" kid. The
> more severe the kid is on whichever scale (usually you can't be both), the
> bigger the multiplier.
>
> "Gifted" programs are also lumped into ESE. Kibo was probably only
> Severely Gifted in grade school whereas Matt McIrvin was Profoundly Gifted.
I always like how they have to keep re-euphemizing these labels that become
stigmatized when they're used. For instance, "challenged" and "mentally
handicapped" because a previous euphemism, "retarded", had become a slur.
(The modifiers like "educably" date back at least to the early days
of "retarded".)
And what was "retarded" a euphemism for?
Believe it or not, the original technical terms:
"idiot"
"moron"
"imbecile"
I forget what I.Q. ranges they were defined as (they applied to people
with low I.Q.s, they did not differentiate between developmental disabilities
and other impairments such as physical brain injuries in those days.)
From the Web:
> According to Stedman's Medical Dictionary.
> An IDIOT is a person without understanding or ordinary mental capacity,
> one who does not advance beyond the mental age of three years;
> distinguished from an imbecile, who is capable of some mental and physical
> education.
> An IMBECILE is one who is congenitally weak-minded yet not incapable of
> education; a mental defective not advancing beyond the mental age of seven
> years.
> A MORON is a feeble-minded person of higher grade than am imbecile, one
> who does not advance beyond the mental age of 12 years.
And another, more formalized, discussion of this obsolete terminology:
> The professional organization in the United States most responsible
> for defining mental retardation is the American Association on
> Mental Retardation (AAMR). Its origins date back to 1876, when six
> men, all superintendents of institutions for feeble-minded people
> joined together to form the Association of Medical Officers of
> American Institutions for Idiotic and Feeble-Minded Persons. James
> Trent (1994) reports that the formation of the group was, in part,
> an attempt to dodge the arrogance of the lunatic-alienist's
> organization, The Association of Medical Officers of American
> Institutions for the Insane (presently, the American Psychological
> Society), "who insisted that only lunatic-asylum superintendents
> could enjoy membership" (p. 67).
>
> The Association of Medical Officers begat the Association for the
> Study of the Feeble-Minded in 1906; 1933 brought another change in
> name, The American Association on Mental Deficiency (AAMD)
> (Scheerenberger, 1983). Through the 1940's the term mental
> deficiency would come to replace, at least in the scientific
> literature, outdated terminology such as idiot, imbecile,
> feeble-minded, and moron (Scheerenberger, 1983).
>
> In 1959, the AAMD proposed and adopted the term "mental retardation"
> with the accompanying definition:
>
> Mental retardation refers to subaverage general intellectual
> functioning which originates in the developmental period and is
> associated with impairment in adaptive behavior (Scheerenberger,
> 1983, p. 218).
>
> The "developmental period" lasted until the approximate age of
> sixteen years. The new definition included five levels of mental
> retardation: Borderline, Mild, Moderate, Severe, and Profound.
> Although this definition reflects concurrent deficits in
> Intelligence Quotient (IQ) and adaptive behavior, valid assessment
> tools to measure adaptive behavior were largely unavailable to
> practitioners at that time (Scheerenberger, 1983), and, as we shall
> see, in the present day as well.
>
> The problem of just what constitutes subaverage general intellectual
> functioning has plagued the AAMD (renamed The American Association
> on Mental Retardation in 1987) for the past half century. The 1959
> definition marked "subaverage" performance on intelligence tests as
> one standard deviation below that of the population mean of a
> person's age peers (Blatt, 1977/1994). In 1973, "subaverage" became
> "significantly subaverage" and was redefined to include only people
> who scored two or more standard deviations below the mean.
You can find the rest of that essay, with footnotes and links, at
http://www.staff.uiuc.edu/~linneman/diss/definitions.html
I think the basic problem with any of these terms is that the range
of "below average" people, no matter how you define it, is going to
cover a pretty broad spectrum of people, because people are the
most inherently unique things you can think of. So if you lump the
people who lie there and drool all day in with people who are a little
less bright than average (but can carry on a conversation, earn a
living, etc.) this term is going to be highly offensive to the guy
who's just a little below average (but in no way "damaged") because
it implies that he's somehow similar to the drooling vegetable.
And then there's the whole matter of what "I.Q." is. Are I.Q. tests
trustworthy? And does someone's I.Q. number really matter, except to
show it off around Mensa?
Anyway, what it boils down to is that not everyone who's an idiot is
retarded (they could have just had a head injury) and not everyone who
is retarded is an idiot (they might be brighter than that) but the
terms are both offensive for the same reason: They are calling a
spectrum of people "stupid" and some of those people really aren't
stupid. If nobody told you you had an I.Q. of 90 or 80, you could
still have friends and a job. But the moment you start putting labels
on people (whether "I.Q. 80" or "retarded" or "idiot") you're going
to make them feel bad.
People are different from one another, so we have to be able to talk about it.
And you can't do like Diana Moon Glampers in Vonnegut's "Harrison Bergeron"
and force them all to be equal. (That story is one of the greatest works
of satire ever written.) So the strategem these days it to cook up
drier and drier labels that won't turn into slurs through their application
to people that others look down their noses at. In other words, any word
you apply to someone really stupid will become an insult (or any word you
apply to an oppressed minority) so they manufacture terms that are
harder to shout at them from a passing car.
"developmentally challenged" makes a lousy slur because it has too
many syllables. It doesn't compare to "moron".
"African-American" isn't something Archie Bunker could yell at anyone
as rapidly as "coon". "Alternative lifestyle" doesn't roll off a bigot's
tongue like "fag".
Basically, there are two things that could happen now:
1.) New terms could keep replacing old terms for everything that's
potentially offensive until it takes fifty-eight syllables to
say "moron", or
2.) Bigots will be easy to spot because they'll have developed
the ability to speak faster than nice people.
-- K.
Of course, the bigots could rename
themselves as "prejudicially-inclined
xenophobes" and then we'd have to
stop discriminating against bigots.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Happiness...
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 23:19:06 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
[re special classes for "gifted" children]
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> Jesus Macaroni Christ, was everyone on ARK in Gifted? That would
> explain a lot of the social ... er, inadequacies we possess. That
> statement excludes anyone who is currently reading this post.
IT WEREN'T NO _GIFT_, I WORKED REALLY HARD TO CHEAT ON THAT APTIDOOT TEST!!!
In any case, I am proud to say that not only was I in "accelerated"
math and reading classes, I was also in "special" gym. (That's gym
for kids who still can't master the art of throwing Nerf balls underhanded.)
So, I was both "accelerated" AND "special". I WAS SPECIALLY ACCELERATED!!!
For extra credit, please take this simple test to determine how smart
you are about words that do or no not mean you're smart. PLEASE FILL
IN THE OVALS COMPLOETELY BUT DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF THE
OVALS ANYWHERE. NOW WRITE YOUR NAME ON THIS TEST BUT DO NOT WRITE
OUTSIDE ANY OF THE TINY OVALS.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Accelerated.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Retarded.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Gifted.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Special.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Very Special.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Intelligent.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Wack.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Bad.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Good.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Evil.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Weird.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Slow.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Wise.
It is (good)(bad) to be... a Wise Guy.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Ken Wahl of TV's "Wise Guy".
It is (good)(bad) to be... Stupid.
It is (good)(bad) to be... a Brain.
It is (good)(bad) to be... a Brainiac.
It is (good)(bad) to be... a Rocket Scientist.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Square.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Potsie.
It is (good)(bad) to be... Einstein.
It is (good)(bad) to be... The King of Science.
-- K.
I am THE EINSTEIN OF SCIENCE!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Ways You Can Tell Someone Else Has Been Using Your Computer.
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 06:14:59 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
1. The monitor is tilted downwards because most people seem to think
that you see with your feet.
2. They tossed your mousepad in the corner because people other than
you would much rather use your mouse directly on your sticky desk.
I'M TIRED OF THIS LIST, YOU CAN FINISH IT FOR ME.
-- K.
My new monitor is too big
to fit on my desk. I either
need a new desk, or else
I need to figure out if this
monitor will still work if
I saw the extra part of the
screen off.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Ways You Can Tell Someone Else Has Been Using Your Computer.
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 07:58:41 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
KA-PEENG! KA-PEENG! NEW SONAR-POWERED KONTEXT-AWAY TORPEDOES CONTEXT!
> [...]
>
> 5. You are Archimedes Plutonium, and you are in a public library.
KITTONG! KITTONG! KONTEXT-AWAY MARK VII RETURNS TO JACK WEBB'S BASEMENT!
Dear David,
I appreciate your gift of turning me into Archimedes Plutonium and
teleporting me to the Boston Public Library. However, I feel that this
is the worst episode of "Bewitched" ever. It's even worse than the one
where Darrin and Paul Lynde fell under that spell that made them act
gay for one week. Please zap me back to being Kibo and avoiding public
libraries, or better yet, blink me into being Fonzie so that I'll be
able to go around alternating between being afraid of public libraries
and telling everyone in the world they should have as many library
cards as possible. But please do not use your arbitrary god-like powers
over time and space to make me "sit on it!"
-- K.
While we're on the subject of gayness,
the Boston Public Library, and god-like
powers, I'd like to mention again that I
love the concept of that H. G. Wells movie
where Jack Benny destroyed the whole world
just because he COULD. I shudder to think
what would happen if other celebrities
got that power. Especially Charles Grodin.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: D.C. area kibologists?
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 07:17:46 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote:
>
> Richard S. Holmes (rsholmes@rodan.syr.edu) wrote:
> >
> > The one time I was with a group of morris dancers that got hassled by
> > a cop was the time we were in New Hampshire and decided to perform in
> > the middle of a traffic circle.
> >
> > He told us to leave. We asked him if there was somewhere else we
> > could dance. He said "Not in this town."
>
> Dancing isn't allowed in Puritan towns, because it reminds people of
> mangling ancient jokes.
On CNN Headline News -- excuse me, CNN Headline "News" -- a couple
days ago some people were protesting the opening of a strip club --
excuse me, "exotic dance club" -- and were holding up clever signs.
The cleverest said:
D A N C I N G
B R E A D S
D R U G S
A N D
P R O S T I T U T I O N
It took me a while to figure out what they wanted that to mean.
Then I decided I didn't care what they wanted it to mean and
started fantasizing about a peanut butter sandwich.
> So, some friends went to a beach in a state-park in Florida.
> They found an isolated spot with noone around and went skinny-dipping
> and sun-bathing.
> Then this cop drives up in this dune-buggy thingie and starts
> yelling at them.
> The group decides to send the d00d with the foreign accent over
> to talk with the cop. He asks, "Vas der some kind of problem,
> officer?"
> The cop replied, "I don't know what they do where you come from,
> but here in the State of Florida, you must keep your clothes on
> at all times!"
THE STATE OF FLORIDA IS NOT FOR COMPUTERY STUFF!!!
-- K.
Callbacks are inherently funny.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Gore Grilled on Microsoft Ruling
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 08:41:16 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
The Associated Press tells us:
>
> REDMOND, Wash. (AP) -- Vice President Al Gore faced tough
> questioning Monday from Microsoft Corp. managers, many of whom
> recalled the Justice Department's celebration after a federal judge
> declared the computer software company a monopoly.
>
> [...]
>
> During the appearance, Gore made jokes that only the
> computer-savvy would understand [...]
You know, somewhere in The Other Universe, the wire-service articles
contain ONLY the interesting parts. But unfortunately, we're stuck
here in The Boring Universe where they always avoid telling us what
we want to know.
-- K.
The big question is, did
Al Gore get his own jokes?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Gore Grilled on Microsoft Ruling
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 22:17:57 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Last night I mentioned this news event:
>
> REDMOND, Wash. (AP) -- Vice President Al Gore faced tough
> questioning Monday from Microsoft Corp. managers,
I saw footage of this meeting on the news this morning. They showed Al Gore
walking out onto a stage in front of a huge sign that said
WELCOME TO MICROSOFT AL GORE
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
-- K.
Those "Gore 2000" buttons you've
been seeing are nothing compared
to the "Gore 2000 Service Pack 2"
updates you'll need.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: STORY (new): SPOT'S UNDERWEAR PROBLEM
User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered)
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Supersedes: (kibo-1611991700520001@192.168.1.201)
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 23:04:56 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
A little story about a little puppy in little underpants.
Please proofread this for me and circle the stupid parts.
SPOT'S UNDERWEAR PROBLEM
by James "Kibo" Parry
Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry
Spot was wearing underpants! Spot was running around the room in
circles, yapping happily, as he showed off his new underwear.
They were genuine Underoos(R) brand briefs, with a picture of Fonzie
from "Happy Days" on the crotch.
Spot's crotch said, "AYYY!"
And his butt said, "SIT ON IT!"
"I don't get it," muttered Albert Einstein, famous scientist and owner
of one very dumb puppy, "but I'm glad the underwear fits you."
"Wow, thank you for finding these in the back of you closet, Professor!
Yap yap yap!" Spot was now pressing his butt against the window to show
off his underwear to passersby.
Einstein turned back to the big machine he was working on. "Silly
puppy, stop yapping about my laboratory! I am building a time machine
and time machines are best built without the help of puppies!"
"Yay! You said I am helping you! That means I can do _this_ --"
Spot reached into the machine and grabbed a handful of loose wires and
pulled them out to neaten up the machine.
"YOU STUPID PUPPY, STOP THAT, AND ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PUSH THE BIG RED BUTTON!"
Spot looked around for the big red button, but he didn't see it, so he
looked some more, and after several minutes he found it and pushed it.
Einstein was livid. "DAMN YOU, SPOT! YOU'VE TURNED ON MY TIME MACHINE
BEFORE EVEN I COULD! THAT MEANS YOU'RE NOW LEGALLY CONSIDERED THE
INVENTOR! JUST FOR THAT, I'M TAKING AWAY YOUR SQUEAKY CHEW TOYS!"
"I don't care, I don't care, I'm wearing underwear," sang little Spot as
the machine began to glow.
A computer voice came from the time machine's console. "WARNING...
WARNING... TIME MACHINE ACTIVATED! ACTIVATED!" The glow turned red,
then green, then to a color with no name.
Spot didn't notice that the waistband of his underwear was snagged on
the machine's orthogonality inverter. There was a sound effect that
would put Don Martin to shame, something with ten each of five
different vowels and no consonants, and Spot looked into the heart of
the machine just in time to see the waistband of his underwear receding
through time to an infinitely distant point before the creation of the
Universe and/or underpants.
"WARNING... WARNING... TIME WEDGIE! TIME WEDGIE!"
"Waah!" cried Spot, "I not only invented the time machine, I invented
the time wedgie! I don't want a time wedgie!" But it was too late!
The waistband of Spot's underwear was now stretched from here to
eternity. Spot looked through the machine's time portal at the most
distant part of it, where his waistband passed the point where the Big
Bang was about to happen. Suddenly, there was a tiny flicker of light.
Spot was seeing the creation of the Universe from so far away that it
wasn't a big deal! Except to the waistband of his underwear. It was
hurled forward through time towards Spot.
"WARNING... WARNING... RAPID CONTRACTION OF ELASTIC! ELASTIC!"
Spot tried to run away before the flying, time-travelling waistband
could snap against his butt with the force of forty billion atomic
bombs, but he was held in place by his own underwear, which was not only
snagged on the time machine but was rapidly crossing all time zones.
Einstein, standing as far away as possible within the room, shouted an
idea. "Spot! Take off your underwear!"
"I can't! I spilled a whole bottle of spirit gum down the front of it
this morning! And I did it by accident, too!"
The waistband of Spot's Underoos was now approaching at 99.99999% of the
speed of light. (Due to relativity, this made Spot's underwear look
shorter and wider, and so people throughout the Universe looked up at
their night skies at the flying underwear that must have belonged to
someone with a REALLY WIDE BUTT.) Spot screamed and tried to chew off
his own pelvis as approaching shockwaves heralded the impending return
of his waistband to the 20th century.
Then nothing happened. Absolutely nothing.
Einstein stopped watching Spot's butt and looked over at the time
machine's console. "Why, Spot! It says here that the waistband of your
underwear ended up somewhere in the 1950s!"
Spot wiped the sweat from his forehead. "Whew! That was a close one!
Well, thanks for your help when I invented the time machine, Professor
Einstein! I'm going to the mall!" He tried to trot away but discovered
his legs were dangling in the air because his underwear was still
stretched through the time portal.
"Spot! You'll have to take off your underwear to go to the mall!"
"But... I thought they had that sign that said I had to wear underwear!"
"No, Spot, you'll have to take off your underwear because it's still
caught on something somewhere in the 1950s!"
Spot burst into tears. "Waah! I knew that pouring that quart of spirit
gum into my underwear, and three tubes of Krazy Glue, might turn out to
be a bad idea!"
"Here's an idea, Spot. Jump into the time machine and let the elastic
pull you to wherever the rest of your underwear is snagged. And then,
when the two parts of your underwear are re-united, everything will be
fine."
"Wow! Sounds easy! All I gotta do is follow my underwear!" He was
about to hurl himself butt-first into the time portal but Einstein
stopped him.
"Silly puppy, wait! Before you go, I have to teach you about the
dangers of time travel! You must be careful not to change history by
interacting with anything or anyone in the past! Don't do anything!
Don't touch anything! Don't look at anything! Above all, don't exert
any miniscule gravitational forces on nearby atoms! You could be like
that butterfly in South America that started that earthquake in Japan!"
"Me be a butterfly? Haw, haw, that's funny, Einstein! I'll tell
everyone in the 1950s you said hi, and I'll bring you back lots of
souvenirs! Bye!" With that, Spot hopped into the time portal and
passed into the whirling maelstrom of eternity, a shifting maze of past
and future ages, and some sparkles too.
Spot was travelling down an infinitely long, infinitely wide, infinitely
sparkly time tunnel. To each side he could see the only other people
who had ever travelled in time: The guy from "A Connecticut Yankee In
King Arthur's Court", the guy from "Slaughterhouse-Five", ten copies of
every captain from "Star Trek", and famous soap-maker Dr. Bronner. But
they were all blurred and distorted as they whooshed past because Spot
was moving at over a trillion times the speed of light. It made his
eyes water!
Up ahead, he could see the 1950s approaching. He could tell because he
passed through a layer of spinning newspapers that said "EVERYONE LOVES
JOE McCARTHY" and "GAME SHOWS ARE RIGGED". And the 1950s were the only
decade where game shows were rigged, so Spot knew he was on target!
Spot's underwear emitted shockwaves in ever-expanding hyperspheres as he
passed the speed of light to the infinity power plus one. The amount of
cosmic force concentrated in Spot's underpants was nothing short of
incredible.
And then it went away and a roller-skating waitress crashed into Spot.
"Clumsy dog! Don't you know that dogs are not allowed here in Arnold's
diner? They make Ralph Malph sneeze!"
"But I'm a friend of Fonzie's! Look!" Spot showed the waitress his
crotch. She looked at the picture of Fonzie saying "AYYY!" and left him
alone (which is usually what women did after seeing Spot's crotch.)
Thankfully, the trip through time had not completely obscured the
picture of Fonzie as it made scorch marks all over Spot's underwear.
Looking around the diner, Spot couldn't see Fonzie anywhere. But it was
gratifying to confirm what he had always known, that "Happy Days" was a
completely accurate depiction of the 1950s. Spot wondered if this was
the episode where Mork From Ork came on and did all the jokes about
Jimmy Carter, or the episode where the mad scientist made Fonzie turn
gay, or the episode where Fonzie proved that classical music is always
better than rock'n'roll. Or could this be one of the _early_
episodes that didn't suck? Spot knew he had to find out in order to
find Fonzie, and he also had to be careful not to interact with anyone
or anything. He shoved a roller-skating waitress out of his way as he
went to see Fonzie about his underwear.
He found Fonzie sitting at his desk in the men's room, wearing his plaid
scarf and listening to classical music as he adopted an orphan while
performing Shakespeare. Horrors! It was one of the late, sappy
episodes after Fonzie had become a simpering square! And after Ron
Howard had gone bald and left the show! But perhaps Fonzie could help
Spot anyway.
"Hey, Fonzie, look! You're on my underwear!" Spot showed Fonzie his
underwear, which showed Fonzie saying "AYYY!" Fonzie looked through his
reading glasses at Spot's Underoos, and he saw that, indeed, a cartoon
of a twenty-year-old Henry Winkler was saying "AYYY!" And more
importantly, the little Fonzie picture was wearing tiny underwear with a
picture of a stupid puppy on the crotch!
"Whoa! Those are some groovy underwear, li'l puppy! Whip inflation
now! Boop-boop-a-doop! So, what can I do for you?"
"Well, you see, this underwear made me travel through time, and now that
I've found the other end of my waistband, I'm stranded here in the
perfectly authentic 1950s and I can't change anything but I need your
help building a time machine to send me back to the present day but
remember you can't change anything while you stop dating girls for six
months to learn about Einstein's theory of General Relativity."
"Ayyy... Relativity sounds cool!" Fonzie threw open the bathroom door
and yelled, "HEY EVERYBODY, I FOUND SOMETHING EVEN COOLER THAN
SHAKESPEARE AND MANTOVANI! FROM NOW ON, "HAPPY DAYS" IS GOING TO BE ALL
ABOUT RELATIVITY!"
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
With Fonzie's help, Spot was able to return to the present. And he
hadn't changed anything, except to make everyone in the Fifties think
that theoretical physics was cooler than everything else. So, obviously
he didn't expect the world of the present to be any different.
"AYYY!" yelled Einstein as he rode his motorcycle into the laboratory.
He was wearing a leather jacket and his hair was full of axle grease,
but he was still wearing mismatched socks.
Spot screamed and ran out in the street, where he was run over by Niels
Bohr's Harley. An ambulance took him to the hospital, where doctors
refused to operate on him because he wasn't wearing clean underwear.
Spot died of dirty underwear.
THE END
-- K.
The moral of this story is:
a) Classical music is better than rock'n'roll
b) Don't change history
c) Always wear clean underwear
d) Never wear underwear
e) "Happy Days" kept getting lamer
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: LASERGROWERS is accepting new members.
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 23:30:07 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
In alt.lasers, sci.optics, sci.physics, and sci.physics.plasma,
"Cass" (cassegrainian@galaxycorp.com) wrote:
>
> The original LASERGROWERS email discussion list is accepting new members.
Because of the constant contraction of the Universe, I no longer have
space for my spaghetti farm, but because I own the air rights above
my infinitely narrow farm, all I have to do is find something to grow
which has no width and goes straight up forever and I'll be a millionaire!
Hey... I could grow LASERS for profit! MY GAMBLING ADDICTION IS SAVED!
-- K.
Several planes flying over Boston
were mysteriously vaporized today.
Also, the Moon appears to have been
pushed out of orbit by light pressure.
Suspects include Ming The Merciless,
General Electric, and Kibo.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: A
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Tue, 16 Nov 1999 23:54:05 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com)
posted his daily dispatch:
>
> Tuesday A Alvord A & The Top Ten feeT 40 ? 6 Ob ? J
> Tuesday A Alvord A & The Top Ten feeT 40 ? 6 Ob ? J
> LOOK? I'll guess that by the time this gets to Post the very fast
> FIRST parts from 59,60 will be at least 1/2 way?/ Counting from the November 12 TV report\ 5pm / & the November 13, 1999 f$ off its peg \15th/<800 km/s @?ergs/
> -NOV'99--week ---21----GW?--19-flue?--16--\/--13-----
> Earth posit days 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 ? 1 0
> ( :? ) : HARD ^ gama My Gama Math
> My G Math ( : ) : CME 8 min
> ( :electrons: ? g 186,000 Mi/Sec
> 60 S/min ( : ) : g *60 Sec/Min
> *60 m/hr (protons) : g 11,160,000 Mi/Min
> *24 h/dy mps ( ): : g *8 Min
> 86400 S/dy ? ( ) : : g 88 million miles ?
> 172800 s/2d 520 hard cme ? ( ) : maybe its 9 min
> 345600 4d 260 _O____:__
> 600000 s=7d 150 ?=: 240Km/s / _____ \
> 690200 8d 130 / / ___ \ \ 99-11-13&12
> Solar Flare Eruption_____.___________-/__/_/ \_\___\-___??___.
> Km ?= 0 2 4 8 16 20km
> Ts ? = 0 .05 ???
> ETA (Gama 8") {Electrons 2-7day} [Gravity Wave 7d.]
> extended Math 93 million miles / 345600 = 260 miles/sec
> ? as i recall this tail? theres a ? magnetic lined worm hole ?
> ? that will carry very high speed VERY HIGH ENERGY electrons 2Earth
> ? B4 Two many days? I do not recall this tail well but theres a
> ? proper name already assigned. "C" something as i recall them
> ? with a web site for some one elses dilusions about THAT
There was more, but I won't quote it because it makes my whole body hurt
to think about other people trying to read this stuff.
My only suggestion is that while you're trying to read Manley Hubbell's
writings -- well, doodlings, really -- you should sing the "Match Game '75"
theme song over and over at the top of your voice to maintain your sanity.
I still wonder how many hours he spends on each of these finely-crafted
explosions in the type foundry. You get the feeling that he's trying
SO hard to jam in as MANY levels of meaning into each one that all
possibility of any sort of useful communication is destroyed, unless
you just conclude that he's not lucid because he's nuts. PERSONALLY
I WILL NOT TAKE A STAND ON THE ISSUE OF WHETHER HE IS SO SUPERINTELLIGENT
THAT WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND HIM OR WHETHER HE'S JUST AN INSANE BOZO,
BECAUSE THIS IS THE INTERNET WHERE YOU ARE FREE TO MAKE UP YOUR OWN
MIND ABOUT WHETHER INTERNET KOOKS ARE NUTS OR GENIUSES.
-- K.
Later tonight I'll post the outcome
of the Manley Hubbell-related contest
from September's alt.religion.kibology party.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Can YOU find Manley Hubbell in this stack of random squiggles?
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 00:03:39 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Attached are seven articles that Manley Hubbell posted to sci.geo.geology.
They are all quoted in full.
Except, some of the seven are fakes.
Can you spot the fake Manley Hubbells?
Hint: The fakes were brilliantly fabricated by Leah Verre and Louis Nick.
(I couldn't possibly master the art of writing like Manley Hubbell.)
And now, without further ado, after the special "^L" character which
is supposed to make your computer ask you to press the space bar but
will just make you think these articles have become garbled in transit,
I present... SEVEN REAL AND/OR FAKE MANLEY HUBBELL ARTICLES!
-- K.
Article #1: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Tuesday The Top Ten feeT & A Alvord A 6 ? 40 J ?Ob
4 Me TT, written in the Anthro pages, NOT in Geo as i guess it's to
up close & personal. My favorit ref Archeology of Oregon C.M. Aikens
--------------------------------------------------------------------
p227-8 Rogue, Coquille Marial, Applegate (Phases)
p144 Windust, Cascade, Tucannon (phases)
p190 Looney, Enola, Dolph, Quad, Calapooyna, Senecal, Champoeg,
Winkle, Ingram, Horseshoe [Units] (Balster & Parsons 1968)
================================================================
depending on the page number of course the Top Twenty Five to
50 feet have as many names as there are pages/ probably more
as each page contains several arangements of letter strings
::::::::::::::::::: i'm sticking to AaA for now though ::::
Well Mg? I've finish my starting script for 2kEposodic
in the first cut I gave it 400yr active 1600yr "QUIET"
400/2000 = 20% "A" bell shape 400yr curve in 20ea 20yr segments
/ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ \
each 20 yr uplift averge 9 feet at the coast {?:= 1'/2yr}
4.5 feet inland valleys {1'/4yr}
2 feet in the cascade range (Mt St. Helens, Hood, Raineer)
1 FOOT at the Alvord ( ever 20 year {for 400 year} ) = 20 feet?
======================20'/400yr of 2000 yr cycle?===============
recreation from first attempt at cross corelation of ?
`MAJOR' EPOSODIC "UPLIFTs" in the Pacific Northwest
| beach
| terris | Valley Plains alvord DATE
| sands Twalitin Valley | Vancouver Lake elev ????
| sea 120 Jackson bottom | sea0 tide flats 4000 2000
| 150 200' north plains | 80? 4020 000
| 350 :::::::::::::::::? | 160' 4040 -2K
| | 240' fourth plains 4080 -4-6?
? ///////////////////?////////////////////////////////
750 300' Mill plains
=============================================================
it seams very certain to me that these features
seperate as they are, each document the same
Eposodic Events (EE). Even thoght the dates
given may be "OFF" by several orders
still it remains my 1st guess of when
in cronological order 2kEE took place
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::TT::::::::::::::::::::
Really theres not much doubt that here for the most part
"The Top Ten Feet" are Clay, in fact the top 25 feet.
And that that clay had bio origins seams clear to me.
but its not at all clear that it was the same groups
of FunGi that put the product in place. though i `poise
that whomever was in charge did the deed at aproximatly
the same rate of deposition, for most of the deposit.
Because ? Assumption 1 said the rate of deposit
aproaches some Average value And that that value
does not add up the the amount already in deposit
Something sure seams {{ um how should I say it }}
to be missing? "MISSING" well thats my guess
so there must be mini eposodics that take out much
that does get lain down by the "FunGi" doono
but i'm looking for the "CLAY" new numbers from Mg's
posts. I can say that much with some confidence.
:: :: this was a reposting of the 810 post :: :: from ::: down
_____ine 60 3:41 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System
Article #2: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Monday Search4_S... & Black Bird's B ? > 40 scale
SUN 26LE55 990820 URA 14AQ21 (==< incomming from Uranus ?
| :** : **: | ==
| *:"Leo" SUN Pisces :*cassio| http:
| 12== [E] ==24 | //www
| *:Virgo : Aquarius :* | .planets
| :** : **: | .org
==================================or m31?===========================
Assume for .1 sec, that intelligance, was being sent from afar
Lemme say from M31 (Andromeda) beyond a million light years away
Such that contemporanious communication, useing electro/magnetic
waves or light would be inpracticle. Thus Gravity Wave Modulation
might be considered, unhampered by the speed limit inposed onlight.
So the question arises, with me, Why are earthlings so bound
up in the fundy allo trap as to be unable to provide even one
functional "WEB" site, of conteperanious Gravity wave data, here
on earth, much less on several points within the Solar System?/?
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
To me, in as much as the actual detector has been documented
decades ago, still fundy's poor usless allocations into some
mindless, just spend it, scheme, of Lazer light reflection's
Boo, BOo, BOO. I say its wrong, wrong, WRONG.!. to continue
with the current mind set. Give some ten year old kid the chance
and we would have the information available on the web in less
time than it takes Cassini to reach orbit. Who's responcible
really. I hope she has Ps in her Pants.
Yeah, so whats my excuse? Good question, I've fought with
the simple input of audio into MY DOS for a long time. right
now its the transition from Audio to 5V that gets me down.
Whatever, the curse, at least i'm NOT on the Laser Light show
scenario, and can tell you that YES indeedee the Suns getting
active enought to produce output and 8645-7(7/24) 8674-5(8/20)
were sparkling examples, where ever you can find that data.
Disclamer? No I cannot 4sure say it was 47 74 as i've no
know way to establish numbers to X-ray DATA but its close
4 sure, and a better 1st approximation than I see comming from
elsewhere.
SUNs SPOT (ver 1 2 3)
???????????????????????????
so are we now getting the expected ..._ ..._ ..._ ._ . ~.~
about a month/dit dah about Christmass, on the 10.4 Year GW carrier?
______ LINE 50 in editor 5:01 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System
Article #3: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Thursday Erge2erg & Greater Craters 0 ? 24 erg ?Cr
99-08-31
3804 Mon 30 Manley Hubbell S4
3805 A J Manley Hubbell your Web site ?
3932 All cmhall@umich.edu Re: The geology of
99-09-01
4363 All ajohnson@t-online.de Pyrite or =?iso-8859-1?Q?
4365 All mcdonald@ukonline.co Re: your Web site? - Ma
4377 All ajohnson@t-online.de Re: your Web site? - Ma
4398 All ajohnson@t-online.de Re: your Web site? - Ma
5330 All pyats@wt.net Re: Pyrite or not#
5570 All singtech@telestream. Re: Whose c
sequential LIST here no deletions or additions {line lengths cut4}
------------------------------------------------------------------
theres a lot of truth to the ERGE2, but instead i'll try Narration.
First i'll reLOOK at the Pyrite, at the lower right. A Scale would be
of assistance if included on the margin beside this specimine sample.
====================================================================
I spend considerable time, at a computer store, run by an older hindo
gentelman. And considering, the fact that i'm not allowed to set foot
in the university, i consider it a high privledge. People of all
nationalities come there, many not even speaking english. I refer
to it as a "THREE Ring CIRCUS" here in Portland, Oregon; USA; N.A.
?????
ANYWAY last week an older, German speaking gentlman came in, asking to
buy a German keyboard for his computer. after a few minutes one was
sold to him and he left. The next day, he returned saying the the
german keyboard did NOT work, and got his money back. I did offer
one comment about "code pages" & the Hindo translation of my comment
was :" country.sys ":. I felt sad when the gentleman left, but to
me watching the excange [ of monies ] from afar, there was not time
to follow the story line to a logical conclusion. NOR could I put
a copy of code pages into the discussion QUICKLY enough. Sorry sir.
anyway2: Some of the discussion between the two was directed to the
Y key which {i'm just guessing} was located next to the X
key on the keyboard under discussion. such that Y X not Z X would
be ajacent keys (Lower "LEFT") row of keys {other end from < > ?}
::::::::::::::::::::::::::: G C :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I do have a ZX81 (british) computer that I saved just as some might
save other items. ON that keyboard [ 10 by 4 = 40 keys ] the lower
copy clear cont
left keys are [SHIFT] [Z :] [X ;] [C ?] . . . . . [Space]
ln exp at
-------------------------------------------------------------------
---------- 99-08-12
accident while crater-hunting in Australia, became the first human to
---------- 99-08-11
interested in dune fields isolated within large impact craters
---------- 99-08-10
cratered surface ever observed. Previous encounters by the G
---------- 99-08-09
old craters one of the circles I swing on the globe does center the
the rime remnet of that inpact crater. Never mind this argument th
Why don't you tell us the names of the rifting zone and the impact
and sealed locations. There is no need to invoke an extraterrestria
_____LINE 57 12:22 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System
Article #4: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Wednesday cALENDER aND nATURAL dISASTER -12- Hps>_log(m)
|Subject: Re: Reunion question
|Date: 08/02/99******************************************
|
|The Piton de la Fournaise is basaltic shield volcano on
|Reunion Island in the western Indian Ocean.
|The volcanic island of Reunion is about 700 km (434 miles)
east of Madagascar.
|It is one of the most
active volcanoes on Earth, with more than
|100 eruptions in the last 300 years.
|It was built on Piton des Neiges, an older extinct
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Last month there was an Earth qauke in Turkey. Not to say that
the connection between the calendar [any calendar of 12 months,
American] will reflect for long the patter of disasters by nature.
I have connected all naturel Disasters to small - order fourier
Patterns in a 12 - month calendar. **It is hard enough** to record
in the Calendar toll and other Data, and I am searching at this
time for a source. on the Internet. But it is NOT a prospect.
???? Because The Internet was invented without regarding the
Principle of completion!!
I HAVE this data from UH Social Science ( LIKE ANOTHER SCIENCE )
Table shows months initials and by death toll of natural disasters.
(Starting 1984)
* * * * * * * *
** * * * * * ** * * * * * * * ** * * * *
* ** * *** ***** **** ** *** * * * * * *** *
MAMJJASONDJFMAMJJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJFMAMJJASONDJF
( INCREASE IN GROUPS shown UPWARDS / highest set of deaths TOP )
Without repetition, I say that the series is generated as irrat-
ional pattern of humps /\\/\//\///\\/\/\///\\\//\\//\\\/\
which form asorted minipatterns within a large framework. With a
distributed node-list in cyberspace can generate a solution to
forier (4EA) just as atoms will generate solutions to Boyle's gas
law - in calculation by mechanical means og interaction.
Resonent features of the Earth's crust and mantle can predict
with this solution the same way???
================================/\..? .../|\===================
Here is the next data set with ANNUAL Data but it has first Mean
values
/=-=-=-=-=-=-=\
( column is Years - data from peaks )
01 7615----------11036+11326 -->
02 900---1265+1338
03 959--1344+1418
04 1419-----2808+2865
05 3103--4359+4658
06 1153-----1645+|
07 1095-----1524+|
08 4648--------6254+6620
09 3862-----------5400+|
10 2960--------4680+|
And NO UPPER LIMIT in 4 of 5 last years??? Because this momen-
tary stability of natural causes is an interruption ( data -
sensitive ) in the Pattern of Prediction. PoP@
I have seen that if a pattern is apparent ( of any Scale) to a
person then Nature changes Pattern of Effect PoE@ <=========
for single data set but whole data is constant
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Assumption 1: Collection of the data is conected directly to a
natural episodic events DIRECTLY :: "METHOD" and collector of
the data is consistent. And there is no where natural effects
are controled.
_____INE 74 1:04 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System
Article #5: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Saturday Voyage to Gravolti. (-24) ?-6,-12,-18,-24,-40
__d3__ clock 3: Planets orbits the Sun // Planets Spin on axis
YEAR ?/:/? day
*********[ PREPOSED TABLE of metaPHYSICAL UNITS ]*********
^1.? ^2 VELO |-------erg0---^3-----| ? ^4 ?
TIME LENGTH CITY FORCE {fudge}[e6] WORK POWER MASS
{--default--} &Acc {factor} energy {default}
us ?-16 _raff e-30 #construkt !plank fg(-15)
ms ?-9 _felt e-24 #gravolti !graft ag(-12)
ms ?-4 _rif e-18 #parton !part pg(-9)
cs mm _sta 1.6 e-12 eVolt !surge ug(-6)
ds mm mm/ds _lyte e -6 #bolt !merg mg(-3)
s cm cm/s dyne 1 e 0 erg ! gram(UNIT)
SEC METER M/S NEWTON 10 e 6 Joule WATT kg( 3)
?hr M _warm 3.6 e 12 kWhr !cty Mg( 6)
?11hr kM KM/Hr _blite 4.2 e 18 kTonn !boom Gg( 9)
?day ?+4 _shake e 24 #Rh.ictar !rattle (12)
?14 3/4d?+9 _wiew e 30 #Tp.actor !wtcht (15)
?yr ?+16 _sheen e 36 #Sf.un !flue2 (18)
??Myr ?+25 _puff e 42 #O___blartor !wowe (21)
{ _ preposed words for units of force for each scale level}
{ # preposed words for units of energy for each scale level}
{ ! preposed words for units of power for each scale level}
--------------------------------------------------------------
it should be pointed out once again that one of the prime
ideas of my voyage to smaller & smaller units of energy
{ MOVING UPWARDS IN THE above table = downwards in e levels }
will be an assumption about the concept of Time dialation
or constriction. Such that as MASS, POWER, ENERGY, FORCE,
ACCELERATION/VELOCITY, & DISTANCE. become smaller & smaller
the interval of the time units itself becomes effected.
At this level ( erg*E-6 ) in most instances, the default
time unit interval ds (DecaSecond) {.1 sec} amounts to
1/10 the default unit of time of the next higher(LOWER)
LEVEL erg*e0, and very little interval streching, compression
takes noticable place, and few if any additional or
removed DS's are added or deleted to keep the miligram
comprehensible.
In the above the "STEP" used as a standard was applied to
the Energy column's and 1,000,000 times was the Step chosen.
within the metaphysical Tables of course other columns other
than the central (energy) column could be focused upon, for
example the default unit of mass could be used. at these
default demension currenty thought by me to be the decasecond
and mm would supposedly be the milligram. Alass the table
itself, clearlys not engraver upon go;d tablets, or even
in concrete. As soon as the big step into another realm
of deminsion's would be taken ( see below )
__d4__ clock 2: electrons orbit proton // electrons spin
***[ PREPOSED TABLE of quantmPHYSICAL UNITS ]********
ns Angstrom
of course things really start to distort, so much so that
even the structure of the TABLE itself goes " missing "
AND I would add in my scheme of things 5 seperate and
distinct ?" CLOCKs "? or dimensions exist beginning with
__d1__ clock 5: thru__d3__ clock 3: to__d5__ clock 1:
with D3.clock3 defigning the current table
----WELL ENUOGH BS and moving on twards gravolti (erg*E-24)
the moon orbits earth ( in a varying time period ) with
some average interval, perhaps between 29 and 30, and may
become 30 exactly at some unknown time in the fyture (maybeNOT2
____LINE 60 7:42 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System
Article #6: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
`HUB'pub#JD=2451425.SFR for Lunar phaze prior to 09-03-1999
<--------- O25 -- Lull+ --- Trigger -><- CA WEEKLY -summery->
09-03-1999 O= 5 LUL+= 13 T= 6 Ca Q# = 47.3 BIG1 3.1
08-27-1999 O= 0 LUL+= 6 T= -1
08-13-1999 O= 5 LUL+= 21 T= 14
^----^ 25daySF ^ LULL@1st.1/4 ^ ^ CaWkQ# SUM &BIG1 ^
980829 SF plot shift L13, 702=0, 990722 R?
990220 gain= SF/4, 990702 SF/5, 990722 SF/7
JUNE99 REALIGNMENT of the columns: 1Dt 2## 3Sf 4Ca 5L: 6Eq
<- -> SF site = gopher://solar.sec.noaa.gov/00/latest/DSD
(. .) http://quake.wr.usgs.gov/QUAKES/WEEKREPS/weekly.html
[ ] EQ site = http://www.iris.washington.edu/SPYDER/
spyderdata/data1998/catalog1999.2
28 # 8651?- 198 4 FM 04:25 - 1 5.9 5
29 # 202 ? ' :
30 # 206 14 | ' :
31 # 201 10 | 8 :
01 # 86xx. 216 7 . | 6 6 =33
02 # 213 1 . 5
03 # 211 11 8 1
04 # 200 0 6 LQ 10:27 '
05 # 177 7
06 # 170 11
07 # 153 12
08 # 138 19 |
09# 138 4 |
10# 127 2
11# 128 8 NM 04:08
12 123 4 1 5.9
13 127 0
14 128 2 | 1 6.4
15 131 11 |
16 131 6 |
17 141 24 1 7.8
18 131 11 FQ 18:47
19 # NUM 135 X-RAY 2 < Lull?
20 # 8673-4? > 152 <20.5M4 7 \ >>>>> 3 17.7
21 # 161 13
22 # 173 11 | 2 12.8
23 # 188 5 |
24 # 202 11 |
25 # 208 15
26 # 222 2 FM 16:48 ?> 5 27
27 # 223 9
28 # 8681?> 248 4 | 3 17.1
29 # 218 2 | 1 6
30 # 198 4 |
31 # 183 11
01 # 163 11
September 3, 1999 Notes for the 1st time in a long long while
the 25daySF 4cast# seams to have resyncronized reasonably well?
cooralations between ?>'s are very IFFY at best if exists at ALL
It would however seam that the anomoulas 5 forA 27 total of 826
would suggest a GW in the inner solar system @ EARTH on that day?
POSSIBLY????? a SLOW(2day) inbound which became 8681 trigger@SUN
of course here cross cooralations of Gravity Wave Data
for other planets in this solar system could indicate some
direction, IF only the data DID already EXIST somewhere. OR ??
a fast outbound from 8673-4 { 6 days vs current guess of 9 DAYS }
BUT MOST CERTAINLY [ 2me ] Anomoulas & their4 of ISS.GW origin!
Ca weekly SUM & big one {recently missing} has returned! yeahhhh..
_________ LINE 62 2:33 A.M. PST from The "INNER" Solar System
Article #7: ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Tuesday Voyage Lunar (?) 6.5 B. Ovius
12 ? 41 19.
I Leo = ? 1.43 Libra * = sun - Assume
I Realignment (?) = moon - Given
================== Or . ? ===================
as It was originally reported in (alph. 1 4.) I have reLOOKed delphi!
Lemme assume innar = solar.
Thus i have determind @<<<<<< =>>>>>>@intelligance to be
)))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((
))))))))))))))))post alligned but dependant on
order 2kEE (??) to be disposed. given it is @@@@@@@@@@@@@
a trademark utilization, the first three layers (reposted JUNE99
)))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((
)))))))))))))))) REALIGNMENT
of the columns: [ IIIIII ]1Dt 2## 3Sf 4Ca 5L: 6Eq). But what is my
intention? Ah! To much as the actual distorter has been set
& *)))))))))))))) **& <--------- 1./65
aside, it is in fact a given assumption! (?p) Look thus:
September 96 notes review internal thoughts with histogram.
it is this plan that is responcible for loose soils.
?
@@@<<<<<<<<<<< )))))((())I
@ >>>>>>>>>@@@
I would add to this assumption three distinct (curious!) places or *
intromolicules * in this direction:
__6(?)__ assume 5: thru__17__ given 4: to__17__ reveal = 1:
~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ %&* ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
!!! %%% with 6/5 defigning the current address.
SO: Possibility??????? Read ! :&&&&&&&&&&&&
*********************************************============================*
***************************************************
@)2)@0))
so as MOON reorbits earth ( in confines ) with come average
histogrammatical interval, perhaps between 14 **^^**>>>! and .000000 6,
and may fyture
cause ASSUME!!! again, see the pattern imerges. !
Why don't you tell us why becaus b4 it was a GIVEN!!!!!!
finished thought prosess and wiating for Ovius and eposodics.
I can say that much with some confidence.
~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~~.~ ..._ ..._ ..._ ._ .
?
______ LINE 600 in editor 5:01 A.M.PST from The "INNER" Solar System
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Sleepy in Seattle
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 03:23:32 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote:
>
> Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote:
> >
> > If any of you visit the Market, though, be sure and visit the tiny
> > donut stand. Krispy Kreme has nothing on these little sugar rings,
> > delightfully pooted out of the donut sphincter machine right before
> > your very eyes.
>
> Dear Leah,
>
> I'm not entirely certain my brain was reading for the concept of "donut
> sphincter machine". And it's stuck in there FOREVER.
>
> Thanx bunches,
>
> --Terri
Dear Terri,
Were you reading before you were ready, or ready before you were reading?
What WERE you ready to read? Please list all the concepts that you want
to read, then list all the ones you want NOT to read, and then we'll stick
to posting stuff in that vast gray area of things which will surprise you
but not frighten you.
Also, you would not believe how many items along these lines have
been patented. Here's one:
US4904256: Magnetic artificial anus having sphincter function
Inventor(s): Yamaguchi; Takashi , Hamamatsu, Japan
Applicant(s): Meito Sangyo Kabushiki Kaisha, Aichi, Japan
Issued/Filed Dates: Feb.27,1990 / Oct.20,1987
Abstract: A magnetic artificial anus assembly comprising a
combination of an annular bag structure formed of a
bio-affinitive flexible material and filled with a
magnetic fluid and a plug structure having a magnet
member. It has a sphinter function similar to the
natural anus.
If "annular bag structure formed of a bio-affinitive flexible material"
doesn't describe a sticky jelly donut, I don't know what does!
Here are the gory details:
I claim:
1. An implantable magnetic artificial anus having sphincter
functions comprising:
* a flexible annular hollow bag formed of a bioaffinitive
flexible film having a film thickness of 0.1 to 0.5 mm and filled
with a magnetic fluid; and
* a plug member having in combination a cylindrical body
defining upper and lower ends, and an umbrella shaped cap integral
with the upper end thereof, said cylindrical body having permanent
magnet disposed therein and said body having a hollow ventilation
chamber extending from the upper to the lower end, said
ventilation chamber having gas permeating filters disposed at each
end thereof and said chamber being filled with gas permeating
material, whereby said annular bag is disposed about the periphery
of a natural or artificial colon and the cylindrical body of the
plug member is inserted into the colon directly adjacent the
annular bag such that the permanent magnet in the cylindrical body
causing the flexible bag to constrict about said colon in a
natural sphincter manner thereby securing the plug member within
the colon.
I like they specify that it will be closed by a _gas permeable_
filter to let it air out. Magnetic Artifical Anus With Natural Offensive
Action! This could only have been invented in Japan, where they like
all forms of invisible stinky stuff.
Also note that they lay claim to artifical sphincter donuts with
rubber walls between 0.1 through 0.5 mm inclusive, meaning that they
plan to market a few different artificial ani: Flimsy, Regular,
and Extra-Tough. I can just see Tom Bosley standing there stretching
one while talking about how the two-ply Glad anus beats a Hefty anus.
It would be great if the Patent Office had refused to accept patents
with dirty words like "anus" in them so that then nobody would ever
have invented anything naughty. AND THEN I COULD INVENT IT ALL!
-- K.
I found that patent while collecting material
for something special I'm working on.
Don't worry, "something special" is *not*
a physical object of any sort.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Annoying words lusers say...
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Approved: By Bob Hope
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 06:43:47 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
In alt.tech-support.recovery, Mark D. McKean (qpanda@iwaynet.net) wrote:
>
> I've been "helping" an e-friend with some computer stuff over the last
> few months (she's a Windows person by choice , but she has to
> use a Mac at work (yeah, I know, it sounds backwards, she works in a
> graphics shop))...she keeps asking me questions about how to do
> such-and-such with "Adobe". *Each and every time*, I have to ask
> her if we're talking about PageMaker, Photoshop, or Illustrator. (At
> least she doesn't use InDesign, Premiere, and FrameMaker as well...)
That came up for me a *lot* when I worked at a place which shall be
referred to as Loser Designs, where a certain category of people referenced
by said name would come and pay $6/hour to use Macintosh Classics to
drag paragraphs around in PageMaker and commit various other
desktop-publishing atrocities.
My job was that when they needed high-quality output, they'd drop off
a disk, fill out a form, and I'd run off some 2540-dot-per-inch film
on the PostScript imagesetter, so that fortunately I didn't have to
interface with the totally clueless customorons. However, as there was
practically no work to do -- our limited capabilities (equipment-wise)
meant that over the years we had gradually informed our entire imagesetting
clientele "Sorry, we can't do that, you'll have to take all your business
to our competitors from now on" -- so I had plenty of free time to hang
around downstairs in the losers' mosh pit, aka the "self-service computer
rental" area where people were paying to use old Macs.
Keep in mind that these were people who were paying to use a computer
because they didn't have a computer of their own but they just HAD to
use one to update their resume. (And keep in mind these were not
only non-computer owners, they were Mac-oriented non-computer owners.)
Typically these people would carry around all the documents they
had ever worked on on a single floppy disk (very often an 800k disk
with a complete set of obsolete Macintosh system software on it.)
So, anyway, I would hang around the "self-service computer rental" area
watching the bozos requiring help with their self-service tasks.
When they walked in, they were always asked which application they wanted
to use ("application" being the Mac way of saying "program" just to make
it even more confusing to the clueless) and if they didn't say "Oh...
I need to fill out an application?" they would invariably say either
"Adobe" or "Microsoft".
I learned early on that they never, ever, ever learned the names of
any programs. And even when quizzed they wouldn't know. If you said
slowly, "Do you mean Adobe PAGEMAKER... or Adobe ILLUSTRATOR... or
Adobe PHOTOSHOP..." they would jump in with "YEAH!" at the first
pause, meaning that they would agree with whatever the first thing
you said was.
So I would always start the list with something obscure.
"Do you mean Adobe STREAMLINE... (pause to allow bozo to answer)"
(Other good ones were Adobe Font Foundry, Adobe Font Folio With Free
Hard Disk Drive, Adobe TrapWise, and Adobe ScreenReady.)
This is to say nothing of the problem opened up by the whole can of
worms, "What kind of computer do you need, Mac or Windows?"
BUT THEM MACS GOT WINDOWS ALL OVER THEM THERE SCREENS TOO THESE DAYS!!!
Anyway, that was a fun job while it lasted. The pay wasn't great in an
absolute sense, but it was a LOT to get paid for not doing anything at all.
(It was okay when the job started and our equipment was reasonably
up-to-date, but then there was a stressful period where the job consisted
of simply informing a few customers a day that they were going to miss
their press deadline because of us, and then after that it was a
wonderfully relaxing customer-free environment.) There were still some
"self-serve" customers at that point, so I got to witness many priceless
tech-support moments firsthand which I would have otherwise believed to
be only urban legends. You know, the woman who thought the instruction
manual said "remove disk from protective sleeve and insert" because it
meant she should rip her five-inch floppy open, and that guy who demanded
to know why the red type wasn't printing from Microsoft word:
Manager (slowly and carefully): This is a BLACK AND WHITE printer,
it prints ONLY BLACK AND WHITE.
Bozo: But the black and white look okay,
it's the RED that's the problem!
Me: (Suddenly becomes very interested in
looking in drawers in case I lose
constrol over my facial expression)
-- K.
This is the last time I'll tell
that story this millennium.
If you're good, though, I'll tell
you what we did for the going-out-
of-business party.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Poetry to try and offload emotional garbage
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 06:54:56 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@nospam.unity.unity.edu) wrote:
>
> Written late at night by a loser
>
>
> What am I supposed to do,
> There's nowhere to go.
> Nothing for it but to do it.
> Why keep up the fight
> When there are few allies
> And half a world of foes?
Shiro --
*Please* don't kill yourself, because then everyone will start flaming
each other just in case it was only an unfunny practical joke.
Buck up. There are a lot of things to live for:
* Kitties
* Pickles
* Lava lamps
* "I Love Lucy" is still on TV
* Batteries in remote controls last for years now
* Most fingerpaints don't irritate sensitive areas
* There are dozens of kinds of kosher hot dogs
* Sometimes a tooth will stop hurting BECAUSE it finally broke
* Everyone else realizes that The Millennium is a bozotic thing to
be excited about
* Many cities are now getting new public buses that don't pollute as much
* America allows you to enjoy or loathe cheese as you desire
* Micro Center lets you return software after you've copied it
* Asterisks are pretty
* Scissors make a pretty noise
* Shurikens are pretty and make a pretty noise and everyone likes ninjas
and you too can be a ninja, full- or part-time
* Some candy still has real chocolate in it
* A half-eaten bag of pretzels will stay fresh for a whole year
* "The Price Is Right" helps kids learn to count, and gamble too
* Bill Gates isn't on TV very much
* Men don't have to wear hats, but they can
* Raspberry-flavored Tums
* Internet pornography
-- K.
The last one's the only
important one.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: What should I do on New Year's Eve?
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 07:30:32 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Okay, I'm not expecting buildings to explode or the power failure to go off
or anything. But I do expect that on the eve of the faux millennium
(12/31/2000 as opposed to 12/31/2001) there will be major transit disruptions
(because no taxi drivers or subway motormen will want to work) and there
will be ebullient celebrations that could easily get out of hand (i.e. riots
in Times Square.)
I want to go out and observe (and document) the bozosity that goes down
on 12/31/99, and I don't know where to go...
Staying home and watching several news channels to watch the hysterical
countdowns to nonexistent disasters in a different time zone every hour
is a possibility if I can't think of anything else. But going to a party
doesn't interest me ("Woo! I'm standing in a room with some people, just
like I could be doing any day of the year that didn't have interesting
riots happening in the streets!") and I'd really rather go out in public
somewhere to see what happens (if anything.)
I don't want to go too far, because it'll be impossible to get a taxi or
subway to come home (I mean, I can't even get a taxi on any day that there's
a prom, and I'm not even black!) but I'm capable of walking home from
anywhere in the Boston/Cambridge area if I have to (I figure I'd be out
walking around for a few hours anyway, so building in a walk home is no
big deal -- especially since there will probably be drunken bozos to
observe everywhere.)
Candidate locations to be at midnight or therebaouts include:
* the Quincy Marketplace area (Faneiueieuil Hall, pronounced "Fanl Hall")
which is allegedly the closest Boston has to Time Square (it's a large
open area, it's filled with tourists at all times, and you can see the
big neon clock on the Customs House)
* the Back Bay, which is where the Yuppies go to party. Plus it has
Tower Records for the college kids, and the Boston Public Library
for Don Saklad.
* Harvard Square, which is where the college kids who don't know any
better go.
* a quick stop at a supermarket, just to tell the one sullen clerk
on duty that I'm not partying with any friends either. That should
cheer him up.
* a swing by the airport to see the deadness and/or panic at alternating
airlines
* Chinatown, to see if someone gets their holidays confused and sets off
firecrackers under a dancing dragon (plus there will be some total
losers going to strip clubs on New Year's Eve)
* Other
I'm currently leaning towards walking around the Back Bay, but I'd
appreciate any suggestions for what to do to see the maximum bozosity
in Boston on Y2K Night.
-- K.
I considered going to the
real Times Square, but I
don't think I'm up to trying
to deal with Amtrak's service
becoming even spottier when
they all take the night off
and/or get extra-blotto.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: What should I do on New Year's Eve?
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 05:29:19 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote:
>
> If there's no Y2K mayhem in Boston, I'll be disappointed.
> When I'm disappointed I tend to create mayhem.
At the mall today I saw a guy who looked just like Bill Gates.
Wait, that's not the important part. At the mall today I saw yet
another Y2K survival manual in the bookstore. It was full of the usual
information about how to survive when your toilet stops flushing
at midnight. (Damn computerized toilets!) It also told me that I
should unplug all my electrical appliances at 11 P.M. and plug them
back in at 2 A.M. because they could be destroyed by power surges.
So let's see. There will be no electricity anywhere and nothing
will work, except in your kitchen where your refrigerator will have
TOO MUCH ELECTRICTY. Also everything everywhere will not work
except all nuclear missiles will launch all by themselves.
But the best part of the book was a chapter on the topic of
"Medical Emergencies". The first point in the bulleted list of
things to know about medical emergencies:
* Avoid medical emergencies.
I'LL JUST TELL MYSELF NOT TO BLEED FOR A YEAR! YAY! THE WORLD IS SAVED!
-- K.
Is anyone else starting to
think Asimov's "Nightfall"
is less silly and more eerie?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: What should I do on New Year's Eve?
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 07:45:23 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Michael Shields (shields@msrl.com) wrote:
>
> Jered J Floyd (jered@mit.edu) wrote:
> >
> > If you think that the toilets that stop flushing due to Y2K are bad
> > news, watch out for those elevators! MIT, in its infinite wisdom,
> > has decided that just in case there isn't an actual Y2K problem on
> > campus, they're going to *create* one!
>
> Cornell is going to break most of their network in case they get
> broken by Y2K. http://www.cit.cornell.edu/y2k/y2kdown.html
From the Web site in question:
-> "The most widely used and most mission-critical services will be down
-> for just three hours to minimize the impact on the campus," said Mohrmann.
-> Those three hours are needed to shut down and then restart the systems,
-> and to allow the clock to strike midnight across neighboring time zones
-> in case Y2K problems elsewhere have local effects.
Oh no! There could be multiple nuclear wars, one every hour!
Until midnight has passed through all of the three time zones in the world!
-- K.
Don't forget to unplug your TV
during Y2K so that you won't
be bothered by the Emergency
Broadcast System coming on.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: What should I do on New Year's Eve?
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 04:11:06 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Culturally Sensitive Ed (rohmon@ksu.edu) wrote:
>
> My landlord mentioned to me [...] his concerns about Y2K.
>
> [...]
>
> Then he goes on to say that "they" (whoever they are) have a New
> World Order drawn up or whatever and they've just been waiting for some
> sort of catastrophe like Y2K so they can, assumedly, take advantage of the
> ensuing chaos and institute this New World Order [...]
>
> he's not making eye contact with me at this point so I just stare at the
> computer screen trying to find a black ten to put my red nine on [...]
>
> THEN, he rambles on to say that, in The Bible, Y2K is known as "666" [...]
Well, three sixes beat two kings. The question is, what does the
Dead Man's Hand mean when it shows up in the Bible during that
poker game among the Twelve Apostles?
I think it would be great if your computer solitaire game had an AA888
problem instead of a 2 K or 3 6's problem.
Besides, neo-Nazis use "88" to mean "Heil Hitler!" ("88" = "HH")
so "AA888" means Fonzie saying, "AAAAAAY! HEIL HITLER ONE AND A HALF TIMES!"
> On the same vein, I heard a radio commercial the other day that had
> this inane little song that went something like this: "Y2K! It'll be
> O.K.! With love, trust and understanding, yay!..." [...]
> brought to you by the United Methodist Church.
AAAAAAY TWO KAY! HAVE A HAPPY DOT TWO KAY!
So how is the Methodist approach to computer problems better than the
Catholic or Hindu ones? Are Methodists more methodical?
> In short, Kibo, you should seriously consider getting dressed up real
> nice, armed with a tape recorder, digital camera and a trusty laptop
(hmm, I gotta buy a tape recorder, unless I just break the lens of
my video camera)
> and sneak yourself into a church service on new year's eve. The religious
> types seem to be goin' f[...]in' NUTS over this whole thing and I bet
> there'd be plenty of interestin' goin's on inside your nearest United
> Methodist Church.
But... that would involve being in a CHURCH.
-- K.
IF I WANTED TO PLAY BINGO,
I'D GO TO LAS VEGAS!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: What should I do on New Year's Eve?
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 03:09:52 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.pants.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > I think it would be great if your computer solitaire game had an AA888
> > problem instead of a 2 K or 3 6's problem.
>
> The "Dead Man's Hand" was AA88, fifth card unspecified. This is why
> it is called "aces and eights". AA888 would be "eights full".
See, that's why the guy got shot while he was holding it -- he cheated by
sneaking in an extra eight!
-- K.
I always thought "AA888" was
"full house, eights over aces."
But it's not like I know how to
gamble or anything.
(I can't figure out WHY I keep
winning...)
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: What should I do on New Year's Eve?
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 09:53:21 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
"Red Dog" (reddog@bluemoon.net) wrote:
>
> Try the emergency waiting room of the closest Hospital. that way you can sit
> comfy while all the insanity comes to you. A tad morbid for my tastes, but
> chatting with the late shift Nurses and Interns will expose you to the worst
> the world hads to offer.
Hmm, that is actually a highly interesting idea. I'd probably want to
ask them in advance for permission to hang around as a journalist, though,
'cause I bet if I just hung around the Emergency Department for three
hours taking photos of patients they might do bad things to me.
I've seen what they do to people in "Seclusion" at Mass General's
Emergency Department.
On the other hand, if I were hanging around just _outside_ the hospital,
that might be unimpeachable... and in addition to Mass General over on
Beacon Hill, there are about twelve hospitals within three blocks of
where I live. (I live on the opposite side of Brigham Circle from
Harvard Medical School, Children's Hospital, Brigham & Women's Hospital,
The Dana-Farber Cancer Institute, etc.)
Whoops, I said "cancer". Sorry. I'll try to cancel out the word "cancer":
HITLER!!!!
And just for Woody Allen...
CASTRATION!!!
-- K.
I'll give him a gift certificate
for one at any of these hospitals.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: What should I do on New Year's Eve?
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 08:03:05 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> I would suggest, for maximum bozocity with very little substance
> (although plenty of substances), check out a nearby college, especially
> the Greek row. Often, these Greek houses have large, open front windows
> and you can zoom your lens right in there, IYKWIM. In about 10 years you
> can sell the footage to a bunch of impressionable grade schoolers on the
> selling point that this was "the moment of their conception."
Hey, that's an idea -- there must be LOTS of ways to profit from the
forthcoming baby boom! HOW DO I BUY STOCK IN THE TELETUBBIES?
I think the Teletubbies would be a good investment because you never
hear anything bad about the three of them that aren't transvestites.
> Also, hang around goofy bars in your area. Boston might not have any
> bars goofy enough, but the parking lot of a bar is always extremely
> interesting, especially if the bar is near a police station or Northbound
> interstate.
There are places north of Boston now?
Brrrrrr!
> I guess just cutting to the chase and hanging out in the police station
> wouldn't be feasable, would it?
It was pretty funny last time we did that, where the cop insulted
Matt McIrvin by calling him "Einstein".
-- K.
He also guessed that Matt went to
either MIT or Harvard because he
couldn't drive very well, because
everyone knows Harvard students can't
drive anything that doesn't have oars.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Bludgeons & Bastards (was: Re: I wish...)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 08:57:50 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> I wish it were still the 1900s so I could go to Braunau am Inn, Austria-
> Hungary and kill the young Adolf Hitler, and then TAKE HIS PLACE! All I
> would need is a good history book with me, so I knew what to do at every
> step. I wouldn't change history, just the names, so that the Godwin
> Rule would be invoked every time someone mentions "Pacheco" in a thread
> on Usenet. And I would change the name from "Nazi Party" to "Potzie
> Party" so that Fonzie would have to beat up Nazis, and Bob Crane would
> get bludgeoned to death by Ron Howard. AYYYYY, SIT ON IT
> OBERGRUPPENFHRER!
>
> I wish it were still the 30s so I could watch Jesus' crucifixion.
>
> [...]
>
> -dp.
> Can one get "lightly" bludgeoned,
> or is it pretty much the case
> that if you get bludgeoned, it's
> always "to death"?
Some quotes featuring "bludgeon" from the alt.religion.kibology archives:
We're sitting in the living room and listening to the Smiths. Morrisey
goes, "Sweetness, I was only joking/When I said by rights you/Should be
bludgeoned in the head."
"Do you think he's being ironic?" asked one.
"Ironic about which part? Calling the girl 'sweetness' or about the
bludgeoning?" said two.
"The 'sweetness' part," said one. "I bet that he doesn't really
like her."
"I think that he's being ironic about the bludgeoning part. I'll
bet that he's never really bludgeoned anybody."
"Would that be irony or sarcasm?" asked three.
"It would be irony if he actually did it and then called her
'sweetness'," said one.
"I meant 'sarcasm' when I said 'irony'," said two.
And then Morrisey sang "And now I know how Joan of Arc felt/When the
flames rose to her Roman nose/And her walkman started to melt."
-- AjD, June 1992
I was working at the store and i had been working for hours. Because i had
no one to relieve me. and i was the only one in the store. An irate customer
came up to me and mumbled something to me. then i said to him i cant
here you and i bludgeoned him to deth with a two by fore.
-- Mike Dahmus, November 1993
It's funny in just the way that death by bludgeon isn't.
-- Orion Wilson, March 1994
[The turning point in the undeclared border war between
alt.religion.kibology and rec.org.mensa:]
I guess there's something you've misunderstood. Membership in Mensa
has nothing to do with the charter of this newsgroup. There's not a
fucking thing you or any of your Kibo info-pervert friends can do to
stop me and others from causing you to stop posting to r.o.m. I am
supported in this by members and non-members alike. What we have in
common is that we (not you) are the regular users of this newsgroup,
and we will not allow yourselves to be bludgeoned.
-- Mark Line, April 1994
[Said quote became the most popular .signature quote in alt.religion.kibology
for the rest of the year, even begetting mutant offspring:]
> From: Rich 'mcmxciibo' Holmes (rsholmes@gamera.syr.EDU)
> Subject: Re: the nerve! (was Re: E-mail threats from rec.org.mensa)
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
> Organization: Syracuse University
> Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 14:20:48 GMT
>
> John William Chambless (chambles@whale.st.usm.edu) wrote:
> >
> > --
> > * Billy Chambless University of Southern Mississippi
> > * "We will not allow yourselves to be pummeled." -- Mark Line
> > * "People who quote .signatures are idiots." -- James Parry
>
> You misspelled "bludgeoned".
>
> --
> - Rich "mcmxciibo" Holmes
>
> Of course, it's perpetual April for a.r.k readers, isn't it?
> - not Paul Tomblin
> From: John William Chambless (chambles@whale.st.usm.edu)
> Subject: Re: the nerve! (was Re: E-mail threats from rec.org.mensa)
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
> Organization: The Greys
> Date: 27 Apr 1994 09:54:26 -0500
>
> Rich 'mcmxciibo' Holmes (rsholmes@gamera.syr.EDU) wrote:
> >
> > You misspelled "bludgeoned".
>
> Whoa! Thanks, Dude!
>
> Correction follows:
>
> "People who quote .signatures are bludgeoned!" --James "Tiberius" Parry
> From: 5150 (rone@netcom.com)
> Subject: Welcome to alt.religion.kibology!
> Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
> Organization: BillBill
> Date: Sat, 21 May 1994 19:32:12 GMT
>
> Here's your horn, your nose, and your clown shoes.
>
> Here's what you can expect after a certain time period:
>
> 3 months: a copy of Kibo's .sig, unformatted
> an "IWT. IL. IHAND." bumper sticker
>
> 6 months: a bludgeon autographed by Mark Line
> a Kibo number
>
> 9 months: a post virus(tm)
> email flames (cc: postmaster)
>
> 1 year: a copy of the FAQ
> some of Kibo's best articles
>
> 2 years: jock itch
> an ulcer
>
> Remember, You're Allowed to Be Allowed.
>
> 5150
> and so is gooley
> --
> The day i tried to win
> I wallowed in the blood and mud with all the other pigs
> And i learned that i was a liar
> Just like you
KAN I GIT A MARK LIN3 BLUDG30NED BY AUT0GRAPH, 1NST3D?/????//???
-- lanthanum, May 1994
Remember, we will not allow you to be bludgeoned, even if you ask nicely.
-- Rob Furr, May 1994
[in a contest to pick a slogan for Usenet:]
"USENET: We will not allow yourselves to be bludgeoned"
-- brian w hart, June 1994
Darn, I wish I could identify needs for moral support and then
satisfy them like that, instead of impatiently wielding large
bludgeons THAT EXPLAIN THE ENTIRE WORLD IN ONE SENTENCE...
-- Stefan Kapusniak, November 1997
Don't make me bludgeon you with my penis.
-- Alex Suter, March 1998
it's good that you didn't mention this to the Taco Bell employees.
Taco Bell has been paranoid about the possibility of Microsoft
suing them for developing an artificial animal which, by imitating
the "look and feel" of food items, is clearly infringing upon the
Microsoft trademark of the phrase "look and feel". the Taco Bell
manager would have been forced to bludgeon you upon the noggin
and lower you into the Animal 57 vat -- filming it all, of course,
for an updated version of "House of Wax".
-- the Ur-Beatle, November 1998
Someday I will marry My Pal Foot-Foot, and we'll have all kinds of amazing
adventures, and then we will sail away to a magickal island full of nobody,
and we'll live happily ever after on breadfruit and bottled notes. This
will be called 'beautiful' or will be charted in a fungicidal on your shower
floor for five Halloweens in a row. The brakes still don't work, and
eventually we all get bludgeoned to death with our own false hopes.
-- M. Otis Beard, March 1999
But getting back to the subject of the late sitcom star Bob Crane
and his skull's appointment with a folded-up camera tripod:
[rerun from 1998 during the period shortly after Mike Zeares first
volunteered to be known as a bastard:]
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Emergency! Plus
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Organization: Stately Kibo Manor
My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1998 02:09:11 GMT
Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 9301 centons, 68 microns, .01 abians
Pope Emperor FrogMaN (uncle_toade@hotmail.com) wrote:
>
> Mike Zeares (mzeares1@airmail.net) wrote in his evil way:
> >
> > [re Kevin Tighe] I have a warm spot in my heart
> > for "Emergency!" It was one of the first non-PBS show I was ever
> > allowed to watch, along with "Hogan's Heroes" and "Star Trek."
Yeah, having "Hogan's Heroes" be the first show you're ever exposed
to sure would cause you to grow up to be a potent force for evil,
Evil Mike Zeares.
Also, it was produced by Bing Crosby and starred that guy who got
bludgeoned to death with his own video camera during his porno
sex tape games while Richard Dawson played video games and John
Carpenter did something completely innocent that just happened to
get what looked like Bob Crane's cerebellum smeared all over the
inside of his car. So I would have to say that "Hogan's Heroes"
is a nucleus of evil, like that annoying vacuum cleaner with
the midget inside on "Teletubbies".
> Yaayy! You have cleared up a great mystery in my head. The shows I was
> allowed to watch, besides PBS also, were: Emergency!, Six Million
> Dollar Man, Batman, and Star Trek. My parents wouldn't let me watch
> CHiPs because Ponch would frighten them -- they are not racist, but they
> thought that his "free-swingin' ways" would give me and my sisters a bad
> impression.
Whereas The Six Million Dollar Man and his orange-polyester-leisure-suited
Kirk-ish woman-of-the-week-izing hedonist bionic lifestyle were doubtless
a much more evil influence on you. To say nothing of Batman living with
his aunt and that boy the butler called "Master Dick" even when Adam West
wasn't breaking his leg jumping onto the bed while wearing his Batman suit.
> Yet they let us watch Star Trek. My littlest sister -- who
> was born in 1975 -- would always cry whenever Spock came on. It was
> pretty funny.
You are an evil, evil person. I sense it went something like this:
MIKE: Hey, look, Deidre, I got you a swell birthday gift!
(Enter LEONARD NIMOY wearing enormous glowing ears, singing
"Happy Birthday".)
DEIDRE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (runs out of the room in tears)
(DISSOLVE TO:)
SECOND-GRADE TEACHER: And now, class, we have a special visitor,
thanks to Deidre's big mean brother.
(Enter LEONARD NIMOY wearing enormous sparking ears,
singing "Desiderata".)
DEIDRE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (runs out of the room in tears)
(DISSOLVE TO:)
PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we intend to prove that the defendant,
Deidre Zeares, in tears from her fears, skipped half a day of
school.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Objection! I would like to call a character
meta-witness. Will Mike Zeares please take the stand...
MIKE ZEARES: Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would
like to call the charater witness.
(The courtroom doors burst open and LEONARD NIMOY enters
with giant exploding ears while dancing the Can-Can and
singing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Earth.")
DEIDRE: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (runs out of the room in tears)
JUDGE: Bailiff, stop that woman!
(Bailiff RUSTY BURRELL hurls himself at her in an elegant flying tackle.
DISSOLVE TO:)
(DEIDRE is strapped into an electric chair.)
WARDEN: Hold everything! I just got a phone call from the governor!
(he holds the phone to Deidre's ear. Faintly, we hear LEONARD
NIMOY singing the "Mission: Impossible" theme. CUT TO MIKE ZEARES
sitting at the electric chair's control panel, using a Ping-Pong
paddle to whack the big red button. He laughs.)
This is why I will not stand for Mike Zeares and will see to it that
"Star Trek" gets taken off TV forever to ensure that his little sister
can never go to the electric chair again.
> We were allowed to watch other TV shows also, but I can't
> remember what they are. I'm the oldest, and I still make fun of my
> sister because of the Spock trauma. My baby sister is in medical school
> now. She just started last week.
Yes, but I hear that Kevin Tighe bursts into tears whenever he's
watching "Battlestar Galactica" and Colonel Tighe comes on the screen
and Col. Tighe is a better actor than Kev. Tighe.
-- K.
Good thing you didn't let her watch
"Land of the Lost". Matt McIrvin's
baby sister still cries whenever she
sees a dinosaur with a hinge at the
back of its mouth in real life.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Things I'm looking forward to seeing on TV this week.
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 09:09:47 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
1.)
"Nascar: The Movie" appears to capture the silly "Speed Racer" spirit quite
unintentionally with its mix of bad French animation and computer animation
showing the Nascar drivers going through a Hot Wheels raceway with lots
of loops.
Sort of "The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest" meets "Bots Master".
2.)
This weekend, NBC's "Y2K: The Movie" features the word "MILLENIUM"
on-screen in large letters during one scene.
I normally trust TV movies to be the authority on spelling for our nation.
3.)
This week, on "Star Trek: Voyager", they _Voyager_ encounters NASA's
lost "Mars Orbiter" in the Delta Quadrant.
NASA JUST COOKED UP THAT IMPLAUSIBLE COCKAMAMIE STORY ABOUT THE METRIC
SYSTEM DESTROYING IT TO FOOL US! IT REALLY WENT INTO A BLACK HOLE AND
CAME OUT ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE GALAXY, JUST LIKE AMELIA EARHART ON
"STAR TREK" VOYAGER" AND NASA'S PRIMITIVE "VOYAGER 6" IN "STAR TREK:
THE MOTION PICTURE!"
1. + 2. + 3. = 6.)
So you see, there are three, count 'em, three wonderfully bad bits of
bozosity on TV this week. Unfortunately, I won't be able to see the
"Voyager" episode because BRAINY Channel 38 (the one that's usually
unsure about whether they should transmit BOTH stereo channels or just
the left one) has to show a hockey game that extends into the first
half of "Voyager"'s time slot, which means they have to start it
half an hour late, which means they have to show an old episode there
instead, and it has to be the second half of a two-hour episode,
the first half of which is being shown on... the following day.
-- K.
They should just make
some half-hour "Star Trek"
episodes. They could be
just as trite in half
the time, like Headline News.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Faye Dunaway breaks the bank!
User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered)
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Supersedes: (kibo-1711990520200001@192.168.1.200)
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 10:26:45 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote:
>
> Michael "Jaffo" Duff (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote:
> >
> > John Kennedy destroyed lives and toppled governments with the casual flair
> > of a Bond villain.
>
> Also, remember, John Kennedy MADE James Bond popular (are you surprised?),
> so without him there would BE no Bond villains, in the movies at least.
Mentioning that you love or hate Bond has always been kind of a political
thing. I think when Kennedy said he liked Bond that it was the same
as Bill Clinton claiming his favorite TV show was "American Gladiators"
and Dan Quayle claiming his favorite movie was "Ferris Bueller's Day Off".
(Note that Lyndon Johnson said he hated James Bond novels. And I'm not
making up the fact that Quayle claimed to like "Ferris Bueller".)
Bond was actually already a matter of much debate at the time, sort of
the equivalent of Doom or Marilyn Manson. Lots of quasi-intellectuals
were running around ranting about how much they hated that page of a
Bond book they once almost read, because someone told them it glorified
sex with women and violence against women. (The truth is, people should hate
the books because they're REALLY BADLY WRITTEN! Ever notice that the authors
they hire to continue the series are chosen for their ineptness at writing
English, to make the style match Fleming's? The "story" in the most recent
_TV Guide_ is a good example of this turgidity.)
I think the thing that _really_ made Bond popular was that the movies
were popular. The books are dreadful compared to the movies. In general,
the movies only vaguely follow the plot of the books and usually add all
the action scenes. (A good example of this is "Moonraker". In the book,
Bond doesn't go into outer space. And generally speaking, in the books,
he simply shoots the bad guy and leaves.)
If it weren't for the entertaining movies, the Bond books would have just
been trashy series novels ignored by 99.9% of the world except for teenage
boys and lonely men who didn't realize they weren't reading real books
(i.e. a cultural phenomenon comparable to "Knight Rider". Remember
"Knight Rider"? It used to be on TV.)
The population at large has a number of blank spots in its memory
where people have chosen to be selective about what they know about Bond.
The crappiness of the books is all but forgotten, along with the
fact that George Lazenby ever existed. I will bet there are Bond fans
who actively pretend that there were no Roger Moore films (the way
the "Battlestar: Galactica" fans insist that "Galactica: 1980" wasn't
REAL the way "Battlestar: Galactica" was.) But nobody seems to recall
that "Casino Royale" (the movie) had about as much to do with "Casino
Royale" (the Ian Fleming novel) as most other Bond films did with their
novels (in some cases, more.) Nobody but me seems to be aware that the
lowest point in the quality of Bond films was not George Lazenby or
Tim Dalton or "Casino Royale" but the one where Roger Moore spent the
whole movie shootin' those black people who were shuckin' an' jiving'
an' using de voodoo on him (and his hairpiece.) And certainly nobody's
heard of the other movie of "Casino Royale", the black and white one
made for American TV (starring Barry Nelson.)
Actually, no, there was one lower point: The "James Bond Jr." cartoon
series, with that woman with a fake Russian accent even worse than
Walter Koenigs. You know, the one who kept saying "Chames Bond Chunyer!"
Anyway, I like James Bond movies in general. I just wanted to point
out that the James Bond franchise now has this reputation for always
having been massively popular, and owing much of that to Kennedy,
when the truth is that it was already well-known long before Kennedy
plugged it (the Barry Nelson movie was aired in 1954, and there was
also a series of radio dramatizations in the 1950s) and that I think
much of the Bond franchise's reputation is due in part to a collective
forgetfulness about its pulpish origins and many missteps.
(My favorite Bond films: "Goldfinger", which was the first Bond film
to have EVERYTHING back when the formula was fresh, parts of the
"Casino Royale" with Woody Allen, and most of "Diamonds Are Forever",
the latter two being the two wackiest Bond films, and "You Only Live
Twice", the Bond film with the biggest set you've ever seen blowing up.)
> In retrospect, given Kennedy's bizarre post-mortem aura of sainthood, it's
> funny that the best thing that Kennedy ever did, his one act that actually
> saved the world from total destruction-- that deal he cut with Khrushchev
> over the missiles in Turkey-- was so embarrassing to both sides that it
> was kept secret for decades.
Yeah, it so good that ALL the stuff Kennedy thought was embarrassing is now
public and there are NO embarassing Kennedy secrets still covered up.
BY THE WAY IN CASE YOU COULDN'T TELL THIS LINE ABOUT HOW I'M BEING
SARCASTIC WAS STOLEN FROM "THE SIMPSONS"!
-- K.
I need to learn to write like
Ian Fleming. Then I can get
a job writing the "Animorphs"
or "Babysitters Club" books.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Faye Dunaway breaks the bank!
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 08:16:07 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes:
> >
> > [The] lowest point in the quality of Bond films was not George Lazenby or
> > Tim Dalton or "Casino Royale" but the one where Roger Moore spent the
> > whole movie shootin' those black people who were shuckin' an' jiving'
> > an' using de voodoo on him (and his hairpiece.)
>
> Ah, "Live and Let Die". I never understood why Wings did the theme song
> to a movie about voodoo and all sorts of mystical African things. But I
> do believe that "Live and Let Die" contains the relatively infamous scene
> where they edited film of a duck turning its head to make it seem as
> though it was doing a double take; most of us cover our heads in burlap
> and skulk away in embarassment, but quite a few people think that is the
> height of intellectual wit.
I do believe you are thinking of the chase through the Venice canals in
"Moonraker" or "A View To A Kill" or one of the other six films where
Roger Moore and his hairpiece turned into a stuntman riding a boat
through the Venice canals.
That was before the budget ran out and Roger Moore just strolled around
Flint, Michigan filming "Mike And Me".
Incidentally, I'm tired of seeing articles that claim that the late
John Barry wrote the "James Bond" theme music. Every one of the Bond
films Barry scored clearly says in the credits, "THE JAMES BOND THEME
BY MONTY NORMAN." (Barry was able to do great things with it, though.
Still, his theme for "The Black Hole" is my favorite Barry theme.)
I think the Bond films owe much of their success to their music,
and to those incredible miniature things blowing up that nobody else
could build like the late Derek Meddings. Now that both John Barry
and Derek Meddings are dead, there's no reason to expect and Bond
films to ever be cool again.
Incidentally, the John Barry who scored all those British films is
NOT the same John Barry who was the production designer for all those
British films, nor is James Bond the same James Bond as the guy who
wrote that coffee-table book about parrots that Ian Fleming liked
so much shortly before he stole the name off its cover.
> > And certainly nobody's
> > heard of the other movie of "Casino Royale", the black and white one
> > made for American TV (starring Barry Nelson.)
>
> With Peter Lorre as Blofeld or whatever the bad guy was.
Peter Lorre as le Chifre. The one played by Orson Welles in the
other "Casino Royale", the one that fell through the crack from
The Other Universe.
> Dammit, I've *seen* the Kinoscope [1] of the show! I loved the strange
> white shadows around the people, just like in the old "Avengers" where
> Pussy Galore was the female agent and Patrick MacNee looked the exact
> same age he does now.
That's not necessarily an artifact of the kinescope per se (before VCRs,
people could only preserve TV shows by pointing home movie cameras at
TV sets, and that was a kinescope) but was usually an artifact of the
camera's "image orthicon" picture tube. Bright things (such as candles)
would have dark haloes, and vice versa. (Makes ancient "Dr. Who" episodes
slightly more surreal.) The image orthicon tube was referred to as an
"Emmy" for short, hence the name of the award. (Later camera tubes
had other fun made-up names like "vidicon" and "saticon" before they
invented cameras that didn't have a big vacuum tube pointed at the actors.)
> MacNee was also in a Bond movie with Roger Moore, so I win!
Patrick Macnee was the guy who SUGGESTED that they cast Sean Connery as Bond,
you big silly.
> > Actually, no, there was one lower point: The "James Bond Jr." cartoon
> > series, with that woman with a fake Russian accent even worse than
> > Walter Koenigs. You know, the one who kept saying "Chames Bond Chunyer!"
>
> I surrender. Kibo, you foiled me again.
I feep fantasizing about Linka, the badly-accented Russian teenage girl
from "Captain Planet" meeting up with whatever the Russian woman on
"James Bond Junior" was and then Walter Koenig moves in with them and
they re-enact entire "Three's Company" except with the v's changed to w's
and wice wersa... Vord-for-vord vith the funny accent.
And, of course, Koenig's veird pronounciation of all the wovels.
-- K.
Then at the end of the episode,
he'd turn to the kinescope and vawe.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Faye Dunaway breaks the bank!
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 03:22:32 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Incidentally, the John Barry who scored all those British films is
> > NOT the same John Barry who was the production designer for all those
> > British films, nor is James Bond the same James Bond as the guy who
> > wrote that coffee-table book about parrots that Ian Fleming liked
> > so much shortly before he stole the name off its cover.
>
> But Ian Fleming _is_ the same Ian Fleming who wrote Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
And Dick Van Dyke's accent in "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" was just as chitty
as his accent in "Mary Poppins".
"Ouey, moitz, ay'em fluhyin' arounnin' Choity Choity Bong Bong!"
"Owee drawrz wont oay loiks anni loiks wont oaeiouy drewrd!"
Just imagine if that had been his full-time accent:
"Strewth, 'ats not o wolnawt an' mouy woif'z wayrin' ponts!"
"Dear Corawl Bornoit, oy'm hoir t' reploice Loil Wogg'ner!"
"Foil mae, oy'm eh dawr! Oy'm hawt! Loirn notta boirn!"
And yes, in "Chitty etc. Bang etc.", Sally Ann Howes played
"Truly Scrumptious" just in case you're wondering whether it
really was the same perverted Ian Fleming.
-- K.
"I'm Blowfeld, take that, Oddjob!
Now I'm Oddjob, take that, Blowfeld!
Now I'm Oddfeld, take that, ..."
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Results of our BSB poll
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 10:40:20 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
For no apparent reason, in alt.fan.mike-jittlov, annaliza914@yahoo.com wrote:
>
> Thanks to everyone who voted in our poll. Here are the results from our
> Favorite Backstreet Boys poll:
>
> Nick: 30% (62 votes)
> Brian: 22% (45 votes)
> AJ: 20% (42 votes)
> Kevin: 16% (33 votes)
> Howie: 12% (25 votes)
>
> Thanks again to all of you who voted!!! Feel free to stop by and recommend
> a new poll topic.
How about something even more important, like, how should Howie,
The World's Least Popular Backstreet Boy, be punished for being
such a bad Backstreet Boy?
-- K.
Also, no TRUE Backstreet Boys fan
would claim to have JUST ONE FAVORITE!
I know this poll's not accurate because
the numbers only add up to 100%!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Results of our BSB poll
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 07:53:16 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote:
>
> Azrael (Azrael@fcc.net) wrote:
> >
> > It is my learned opinion that all the five-boy bands, like the
> > Backstreet Boys, Nsync, 5ive, and 98 Degrees should be placed in a maze,
> > along with hidden semi-automatic weapons, and five remaining boys should
> > form their own group, named the Surviviors. This should be on Pay-Per-View.
>
> FWIW my daughter, who clearly is in or near the target demographic (age 8)
> is not impressed with '5ive'. She says they sound like her computer, which
> is a Imac. I'm not sure this means they are all gay or not. If someone
> will buy her a iBook (AKA 'worlds gayest computer') and she STILL says
> they sound like her computer, we'll know for sure and be able to get
> on 'Entertainment Tonight'.
Oh, great, now someone from NASA is talking to someone from the FCC.
I just know this is going to lead up to ME GETTING A TAX AUDIT UNDER
MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES! You people know I'm onto you because I made
the mistake of admitting that I knew that Nixon worked for Pepsi around
the same time that Joan Crawford was running it. Well NASA may have
unlimited powers to detain and interrogate citizens according to the
Constitution but you can't legally touch me because I've declared my
bathtub to be International Waters (because I mixed in some General Foods
International Coffee) and as long as I stay in my bathtub I'll be okay
and perfectly sane to boot!
Besides, Azrael, we should put all the five-pretty-boys-who-don't-play-
their-own-instruments-and-half-of-them-are-named-Wahlberg groups into
a really SMALL maze with nuclear weapons lying around, and then we wouldn't
have to worry about what to give the survivors.
And, lowercase robert, you should ask your daughter about Dr. Theophilus
on "Buck Rogers", C-3PO in "Star Wars", and especially HAL-9000 in
"2001". If she thinks the iBook sounds gayer than they do, I'll buy
her one of them. And by "them" I mean one of the Backstreet Boys.
Then, while you're on the subject of transgendered computers, compare
and contrast Majel Barrett as the computer on "Star Trek".
-- K.
Majel Barrett = world's butchest computer?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Short shameful confession (with bonus slur!)
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 11:05:54 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
No matter how many times I practice it, I will never be able to
pronounce "asthma".
-- K.
Is it okay if I just say "azma"
from now on? It's not like it
matters, 'cause only nerds get
asthma, THE DISEASE THAT TURNS
REGULAR KIDS INTO NERDS!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Dear Ann Landers
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Wed, 17 Nov 1999 11:39:45 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
In alt.folklore.urban, Alan J Rosenthal (flaps@dgp.toronto.edu) wrote:
>
[WHOOSH! goes New Improved Kontext-Away]
>
> Dear Ann Landers. You ran this lame sappy poem on September 32, 1984 and
> even though it doesn't rhyme right, I cut it out and put it on my wall and
> I've read it every five minutes since then. I carry it wherever I go and
> it's getting a bit tattered. They don't permit us photocopiers here in the
> mental hospital so I'm enclosing it in the mail. Could you please reprint
> it so that I have a fresh copy to cut out? Note that this is my only copy
> and if you don't print it I'll be desolate and stop taking my medication.
> Love, Napoleon.
If you think the letters she prints are bozotic, you should see the ones
she DOESN'T print. Trust me, I've seen a few of the ones she didn't
print. I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE NEVER WRITES BACK TO ME! ALL I DID WAS
ACCIDENTALLY CALL HER "DEAR ABBY" ONCE! AND "HUGE PLASTICIZED HELMET
HAIR" SIX TIMES!
But seriously, it would be great to see the BOTTOM 1% of her slush pile.
I've read slush piles for various publications devoted to fiction
(such as a high-falutin' literary magazine, and a science-fiction magazine)
and found some real lulus of doozies of shining gems of unpolished turds,
but I dream of one day seeing what the mailbag delivered to Ann Landers
or Dear Abby or Andy Rooney or _TV Guide_ REALLY contains. I figure that
the bottom 1% of _TV Guide_'s mailbag is written entirely in different
colors of Crayola, with capitals and lowercase mixed together randomly and
hyphens between all the words plus six exclamation points after every noun.
I suspect all the letters are about the dangers of cloning dinosaurs plus
a few demands that they put "Knight Rider" back on the air 24 hours a day
and keep making new episodes with the entire original cast, including
the one who's dead.
And I still think that the "Dear Dotti" column in _Weekly World News_
is a masterpiece of wit. Even though the fact that she fabricates
obviously stupid letters from readers indicates that even the _Weekly
World News_ isn't actually getting any letters THAT stupid. (An
alternative theory: Of course they get letters from drooling nitwits,
but the author of "Dear Dotti" doesn't even bother opening the mailbag.
I mean, some of those letters might be sticky with bozo germs.)
-- K.
Love Napoleon, Hate Bob Hope.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Dear Ann Landers
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 08:37:55 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
"K. D." (flowrchild@prodigy.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > And I still think that the "Dear Dotti" column in _Weekly World News_
> > is a masterpiece of wit.
>
> I agree -- Dear Dotti is great fun! Did you ever wonder where she gets the
> pictures that go with the letters?
I answered that question in a spec sitcom script I once wrote for an
incredibly lame ABC show, "Perfect Strangers". (I think it was rejected
because the plot was that I contrived a reason for Balki to have to
lie to Larry and then apologize at the end of the episode and promise
he'd never lie again, unlike the other way around, which was what they
did every week.) "Perfect Strangers" was that forgettable show about
the hot-tempered guy who moved in with the cheap knockoff of Latka from
"Taxi", and every week they re-enacted a plot from "I Love Lucy" and
learned exactly the same important moral lesson about lying.
This is highly embarassing to reveal, but yes, I did once write a
REJECTED episode of an incredibly lame sitcom. (Hey, it helped me
get my degree.)
My episode's premise was that Balki had been hired by
"The World Investigator" to pose for photographs as a Martian
named "Sylbozir", and he wasn't allowed to tell Larry.
Larry first became suspicious when stupid people started
gathering around Balki in the supermarket:
THIRD SHOPPER
(TO ANOTHER SHOPPER)
See, Fred, I told you they couldn't print it
if it weren't true! That's him all right!
FIRST SHOPPER
(PLEADING WITH BALKI)
Mister Martian, will you please take me for a
ride in your flying saucer?
Eventually the tabloid published an article which claimed
Sylbozir had an image of Dick Clark in his chest hair that would
cure baldness of all who touched it... so dozens of bald men
(including Larry's boss, Mr. Wainwright) broke down the door
to Larry and Balki's apartment to find him. And now, for
the first time on the Internet, I present the conclusion
of this lost (and twisted) episode of "Perfect Strangers":
(THE MEN START SEARCHING FOR BALKI, WHO
TRIES HIS BEST TO BE INVISIBLE BEHIND THE
COUCH. HE DODGES AS BEST HE CAN, FROM ONE
PIECE OF FURNITURE TO ANOTHER, BUT BECAUSE
THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE, ONE SPOTS HIM QUICKLY.)
THIRD MAN
Here he is!
FIRST MAN
Let us see the enchanted image of Dick Clark!
(THEY START TEARING AT BALKI'S SHIRT.
LARRY JUMPS UP ONTO THE BOOKCASE TO SHOUT.)
LARRY
Stop! (THE MEN LISTEN) Do you realize
what you're doing? You've invaded our
privacy, scared us, threatened us, and now
you're tearing his clothes off! You're
behaving like animals! Is having hair
really so important to you?
MEN
(ALL TOGETHER)
Yeah!
(THEY IMMEDIATELY RESUME TEARING AT BALKI'S CLOTHES.)
BALKI
I feel like the Beatles!
(AFTER A BRIEF STRUGGLE, THE SHIRT COMES
OFF. HIS CHEST IS BARE. THE MEN GASP AND
STARE NUMBLY AT IT, NOT BELIEVING THEIR
EYES. THEY ARE DAZED FOR A FEW SECONDS.
THEN, A MAN STEPS FORWARD AND FEELS
BALKI'S CHEST AS IF TOO SEE IF IT'S TRUE.)
SECOND MAN
His chest is blank!
FIRST MAN
We have been tricked!
MR. WAINWRIGHT
See? I told you so!
FIRST MAN
He not been gifted with the image of Dick
Clark, he is a fraud! Let us stone him
to death!
LARRY
Wait! He's not a fraud!
FIRST MAN
Then where is the image of Dick Clark?
LARRY
He had it, he just, um, shaved this
morning.
FIRST MAN
(SHOCKED)
He shaved the sacred face away?
Stone him! Stone him!
BALKI
Wait! Wait! You're all overlooking one
small but useful fact! The Investigator
didn't print this because there wasn't
room, but the face only appears on my
chest after a meditation session! (AS IF
SPEAKING TO CHILDREN) If you all close
your eyes and think about hair, the image
will return, and I will tell you when it
is back!
(THE MEN ALL CLOSE THEIR EYES AND
CONCENTRATE. BALKI GESTURES TO LARRY TO
GET A WRITING INSTRUMENT. HE PRODUCES A
PENCIL AND TRIES TO DRAW ON BALKI'S CHEST,
BUT ALL IT DOES IS MAKE BALKI WINCE IN
PAIN. BALKI HAS AN IDEA AND WHISPERS IT
TO LARRY, WHO FETCHES A JAR OF FUDGE
TOPPING. LARRY QUICKLY FINGERPAINTS A
FUDGE FACE ON BALKI'S CHEST.)
BALKI
Hallelujah and hello Mr. Clark!
(THE MEN OPEN THEIR EYES AND GAZE AT THIS
MIRACLE WITH GREAT AWE. BACKGROUND MUSIC:
HARPS AND A CHORUS. A SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON
BALKI. BALKI IS SPEAKING LIKE A TV EVANGELIST.)
BALKI
As ye look upon my chest, ye shall be
cured of baldness!
FIRST MAN
(DEEPLY MOVED)
Gosh, I can feel my scalp itching already!
LARRY
Why, in just a few short weeks you'll have
a marvelous head of hair! (SOFTLY ADDED:)
I hope for all our sakes. (NORMAL VOLUME)
This is a great moment in the history of hair.
There was the usual denouement for the next couple of pages,
where they hugged (yes, they always hugged, and usually they
did "The Dance Of Joy" as well) and one of them promised to
never lie again. (But like I said, I made it the OTHER one for once.)
Then Balki went out drinking with Elvis. (Mike Bent suggested that ending.)
I wish they had filmed it so that I could settle my bet
about whether Clint Howard appear in it.
This would have been the second most bizarre episode of
"Perfect Strangers" ever, right behind the one about the
pastries that exploded whenever anyone stopped alliterating.
-- K.
The series was like
"Laverne & Shirley"
only STUPID.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Some updates on www.kibo.com
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 11:57:59 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
http://www.kibo.com/
now features some (but not all) of its redesign (now 50% Y2K-compliant!)
and a few little content updates. More to come over the next few days.
I like that some of the text changes randomly from visit to visit now;
eventually the site is going to be much more dynamic like that, as well
as sprouting some really nifty interactive things I'm working on.
(The goal is to make the site so that it will have something different
every time you go there without me having to ever add anything again. Yay!
And some really useful interactive stuff is in the works, too, but it
may be a while before I finish coding.) Incidentally, I still have a
no-Javascript, no-Java, no-frames, no-CSS policy on my personal site --
CGIs and XSSIs are wonderful things that let you not break other people's
browsers while writing things that run really fast. (I'm not sure
whether I'll wind up putting up an imagemap or not. They seem to work
well with everything, but I think I prefer not having them. I am definitely
an HTML reactionary because I believe that both Netscape Navigator and
Microsoft Internet Explorer tend to catch fire whenever you use them
too hard. The WebTV, too.)
If anything's broken at the moment, please send a note to webmaster@kibo.com
and my imaginary staff will take care of it. (Yes, I know many of the
links to other sites are obsolete, and no, I won't be tweaking those
soon because there's something else scheduled to replace them someday.)
-- K.
http://www.kibo.com/
now with BLUE Time Tunnel
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Some updates on www.kibo.com
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 05:18:18 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
DANGER! RANT AHEAD!
Sergey Bukhman (sergeyb@netropolis.net) wrote:
>
> James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> >
> > http://www.kibo.com/
>
>
> You broke it!
>
> Netscape only shows me a blank screen! U BROKE UR SITE!!!!
>
> WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!H!111
I checked it in Netscape Communicator 4.5 (PPC) and...
DAMN NETSCAPE! DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN! BAD BROWSER!
First it makes me put extra table cells around everything so as not
to render type with weird fringes on machines using PostScript fonts,
a bug they introduced years ago when they first retro-fitted table
support on top of old Mosaic code. (The bug was in multiple versions
of Netscape, indicating they didn't want to fix it even though it
had certainly been reported a few times. I sure reported it.)
Then it decides my page is blank because I forgot to close one
table row. It didn't just display the page anyway (which is what
I expect Netscape to do -- I always tell people not to test their
sites only with Netscape Navigator because it's generally more lenient
about bad HTML than other browsers, and so isn't good for pinpointing
problems) and it didn't display the half of the page before my mistake,
it simply displayed a solid black screen.
Anyway, I patched together a working file and now my Netscape Communicator 4.5
is displaying my front page correctly. (It still can't do JavaScript
rollovers correctly, and it won't let me use my Java virtual machine
of choice, but that's okay because my site isn't supposed to use any
of those things that break Netscape or Internet Explorer.)
I really hate the fact that both Netscape Navigator (Communicator)
and Microsoft Internet Explorer are houses of cards built on someone
else's code base (they are both actually "enhanced" versions of Mosaic.)
And thus both of them are buggy (because they tacked things onto a
different browser rather than writing their own rendering engines to
do things like entities and tables properly) and both of them have
bugs in the same areas (such as the way entities interact with tables.)
Allegedly the 5.0 versions of both browsers have rewritten cores,
but my gut feeling is that these browser are just getting bigger and
flakier with each successive revision. And they both support all
these weird proprietary flaky technologies so that they can trick people
into designing sites that are incompatible with the other browser.
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I hate WebTVs because they
make your brain shrivel up. And they connect to flickery, blurry TV sets.
But I admire the Web browser in the WebTV in that it actually tries
really hard to follow the HTML specifications, and they wrote it themselves
rather than grabbing chunks of an old browser and changing the icons.
It has a surprisingly good user interface for such a wimpy device, too.
There are lots of other "alternative" browsers out there (Opera, iCab,
Lynx, HotJava, late versions of Mosaic, the DreamCast game system, to
name just a few) but Netscape and Microsoft still have about 90% of
the market share. I think this is because they've convinced everyone
they MUST have JavaScript (which is a proprietary, non-standard invention
of Netscape) or VBScript (ditto, Microsoft). The other browsers generally
don't do JavaScript or at least don't do it in exactly the same way
as Netscape (even Internet Explorer and Netscape aren't completely
cross-compatible. So what chance is there that Brand X could be
cross-compatible with BOTH of them?)
So I'm sick of Web browsers that don't want to play nicely with others,
and I'm sick of stupid Webmasters who make pages that say "THIS PAGE
REQUIRES YOU TO INSTALL __________ ON YOUR COMPUTER BECAUSE I'M TOO
LAZY TO FOLLOW THE HTML STANDARD TO MAKE A PAGE YOU CAN SEE WITH
YOUR BROWSER. IT LOOKS FINE ON MY COMPUTER, AND MY COMPUTER IS PERFECT."
And I must apologize for briefly breaking the front page of www.kibo.com
in such a way that it failed to work in one of the two major browsers.
I assure you, it was an accident. (It DOES have a little HTML that
changes depending on which browser it senses, but it's not supposed to
just go black if you use Netscape. The problem's at Netscape's end,
anyway, because the page serves it a bunch of text, and then Netscape
doesn't display any of it. It's fixed now, in any case.)
Incidentally, if you're curious, the only browser-dependent stuff
on the front page is supposed to be stuff like this:
Entrance to Kibo's site
Entrance to Kibo's weird thingie
...which makes most browsers see "Entrance to Kibo's weird thingie"
at the top, but site-crawling robots (i.e. search engines) index the
page as "Entrance to Kibo's site". The "if" statement means
"If the browser identifies itself as anything with the word 'Mozilla'",
and practically all graphical browsers claim to be "Mozilla" (the
successor to Mosaic). WebTV even claims to be both Mozilla AND Internet
Explorer. The browsers do this to try to fool sites into thinking
the browsers are cross-compatible (which they wouldn't have to do
if they really WERE compatible, i.e. if it didn't matter what brand
of browser you had. Basically, we have a bunch of incompatible browsers
which all claim to be the same program in order to make them look
more similar.)
I wish Netscape's programmers would be taken out and shot.
Internet Explorer's marginally better (at least they fix bugs reported
by their users) but both browsers are flaky, proprietary, and tend
to mess up your whole computer system when you install them. (Remember
when a program was a thing that stayed in a folder where it didn't
touch your other stuff?) Alas, you can't survive with just the Brand X
browsers because you may need that JavaScript once in a while (badly-
designed sites rely on JavaScript for navigation, which makes them
inaccessible if you turn off JavaScript or have a weird browser)
and if you design sites you have to keep all the popular browsers
installed to check your designs (if you're not a bozo) so I tend to
do most of my surfing with Internet Explorer. Then I switch to
Netscape Navigator/Communicator when I have to. I like to test my
own pages with wimpy things like the WebTV and lynx because I figure
if it works correctly on those, it should work on arbitrary non-wimpy
browsers. (I'm also a big believe in syntax-checkers -- the one in
BBEdit is quite nice, and there are two others I often use -- but
syntax-checking www.kibo.com is next to impossible because so much of
the stuff, including the most important markup, is dynamically generated.)
Anyway, Sergey, thanks for finding out that YOUR browser broke when
it saw MY wonderful page. I always appreciate these tips, 'cause I never
have time to test every revision of every page with all ten of the
DAMN BROWSERS I have installed here.
-- K.
Someday I gotta make a more
lynx-friendly version of the site.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: dumb psychologists
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 04:36:12 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote:
>
> [quoting some Web site]
>
> . A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
> carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
> weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax,
> leaving her mentally retarded.
Yeah, but she was REALLY SMART before then. When she was spending all
day torturing the guy just to see whether he would snap.
Incidentally, that allegedly true story appears word-for-word on no
fewer than 143 Web sites (according to an Altavista search), as part
of an unattributed collection of "true stories" people have been
mailing to each other for the past few years. They all smell extremely
fabricated:
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Searching on "Khay Rahnajet" and other uncommon words in these
stories turned up nothing but more copies of this list of fabricated
stories of bozos hurting themselves, i.e. this Iraqi terrorist never
made an actual newspaper but went straight to some "Joke Of The Day"
E-mail list. None of these incidents has been reported by any
news services as far as I can tell. They're just jokes that have
an Important Moral Lesson: OTHER PEOPLE ARE DUMBER THAN YOU.
Some days you feel like Ann Landers is writing the Web.
-- K.
Or worse, Jay Leno.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: An interesting question.
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 09:33:17 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
What do you think the dream job for Kibo would be?
-- K.
Please let me know before I
have to choose one or the other.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.tv.tv-nation,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Looking for CBS special presentation "swirl logo" from the 70's on VHS
Date: Fri, 19 Nov 1999 11:04:27 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In alt.tv.tv-nation, KEIDOC (keidoc@aol.com) wrote:
>
> Does anyone remeber the old CBS special presentation "swirl logo" that
> preceded their specials like Rudolph and the Grinch back in the late 70's
> and early 80's?
Oh, God, yes! It was designed by Herb Lubalin's design studio (they did
all of CBS's graphic art) and those swirling multiple-exposed
ITC Avant Garde Gothic letters (one of Lubalin's typeface designs)
are burned into my brain along with that weird little fanfare.
I must have seen it twenty times a year when I was a kid.
> I am dying to find a copy on VHS! Will pay!
I don't have it, but I hope you find it, because whatever project you
attach it to will immediately become a bazillion times cooler.
It would be easy enough to fake (five or six transparent copies of the
word "SPECIAL" in different colors all rotating into a diagonal position
slightly out-of-sync, then the camera zooms in through the hole in the "C",
if memory serves) but I think it would have to be accompanied by that
creepy musical fluorish. If you get your copy of it, whatever you're
using it in is going to make many people run around screaming "You just
lit up parts of my brain that haven't been used in 25 years!"
For proper effect you also need a Dolly Madison Zingers logo,
the one of the geometric girl's head that looked like a Jesus fish
turned sideways.
-- K.
I tried to represent that
swirling "SPECIAL" logo
in ASCII several years ago
but I couldn't quite make it go.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Manley Hubbell's latest exploded view of a Tinkertoy set
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 03:40:09 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote:
>
> Monday Black Bird's B & Search4_S... 40 < !? off scale
> YES59&60? SSAG seams active OK? -6 -3VU with filtered SSAG {f$}
> off its peg for the first time in a long long while? I recall one
> other f$ offthe peg in this Solar Cycle 23? Lemme search4 something
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> solar cycles (10.4years) in yr's => {not aligned exact}
> <7..|..8..|..9..|.2000|..1..|..2..|..3..|..4..|..5..|..6..|>
> - Cycle 21 began June `76 Cycle 22 began Sept `86
> 180 \ -^\ * Cycle 23 should start about ? `97
> 160 \ / \ and should peek ?=120+80
> 140 / ~~~~~~~~~ \ about year (2000)
> 120 / \ to 2004
> 100 */ ...... \
> 80 */ * . . \ /\
> 60 / * .* / . |
> 40 /* . / . \
> 20 / . . MEAN of CYCLE 8-20 \ .
> Rz(Smoothed Sunspot) ref Radio Electronics Dec 1988 pg 38
> By this time (98-4-26) 140 numbers have been reported for cy23
> ==============================================================
> way the Clicks Hisses & whistles can be heard and understanding wh
> the TV screen from the SUN can be more easily seen & understood...
> i appologize for not being able to explain this in a more inlighti
> ??? your Dr. may give you a "Flue" shot 5/11/98 ??? /
>
> ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
> So?/? Well? I wish2 follow up on the Gravity Wave thoughts While
> still fresh inn my mind. Mostly its just 3 spheres inside one another.
> I'll jus try to focus on the 14&3/4 Gravity Wave Primary [GWP]!
> ----------------------------------------------------------------
> & start by just depicting it as a [O] very reduced scale depiction?
> Note! at that scale it appears to me to be elongated in the verticle
> direction, and so thats the way i'll attempt my further depiction.
> WITH THE SUN & MOON ABOVE THE EARTH { two days B4 LULL@1st.1/4 }
> ===========================\________/============================
> ^ SUN ^
>
> _
> Prior one / ' ` \
> Gravity Wave=====> ' `
> 14&3/4 Day
> PRIMARY ? ?
>
>
>
>
>
> _
> '(_)` Moon
> Gravity Wave=====> ' `
> 14&3/4 Day ` /~\ '
> PRIMARY `| |' EARTH
> \_/
> ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
>
> 1st place to look
>
> next place to look
>
> final place to look
> _____ 3:49 A.M.PST _____Line 61 ?/?
YES, I AGREE NINE HUNDRED PERCENT.
Also, out of the seven articles in the "Spot The Fake Manley Hubbell" quiz,
#4 and #7 were the only fake ones. The one that said "I hope she Ps in her
pants" was real.
-- K.
I wonder who she is.
I hope she Ps in a pod.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: It's The Mutant Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 03:50:37 GMT
Organization: www.kibo.com
In rec.food.cooking, rec.gardens.edible, sci.bio.botany, and sci.bio.misc,
Matthew Montchalin (mmontcha@OregonVOS.net) wrote:
>
> Can anybody suggest how I might go about making ginger pumpkin soup?
>
> Also, what sorts of pumpkins are available that have the most meat?
> That is, it is okay to have seeds in it, but which breeds weigh the
> most, and are the most solid?
>
> Also, is it possible to hybridize watermelons with pumpkins? Has
> anybody already done so? What company provides seeds for pumpkin/
> watermelon hybrids?
My word, Archimedes Plutonium's changed his pseudonym.
-- K.
How about ginger pumpkin cheese
soup? Then I'd have three reasons
not to eat it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Y2K TV Movie Prompts Fears of Panic
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 07:33:59 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
"AP / LYNN ELBER, AP Television Writer" (C-ap@clari.net) wrote:
>
> LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Some of the people who have been working to
> get the nation's computers ready for the millennium are worried
> that Sunday's TV movie that depicts New Year's Eve as a Y2K
> nightmare will undermine their efforts and alarm the public.
Hey! It's just a TV-movie! They can't possibly alarm anyone because
they're always incredibly boring, because once they've tricked you into
tuning in, their work is done! (No repeat ticket sales.) I mean,
liverwort moves faster than most TV-movies. For people to be alarmed
by a TV-movie would suggest they could also be alarmed by the rapid
growth of stalactites.
Of course, LAST week's big NBC sweeps-week TV-movie, "Leprechauns",
was the alarming exception to that rule. It featured Whoopi Goldberg
pretending to be a midget. It was alarming enough that many people
were probably rendered permanently blind, insane, and/or fans of
Tim Conway golf videos.
> Industry leaders, who have spent billions fixing Y2K computer
> bugs, are urging NBC and its affiliates to ensure that viewers
> understand ``Y2K'' is a fantasy thriller and not a likely scenario.
It's not hard science fiction which offers a frighteningly plausible
look into the all-too-real world of tomorrow like "Jurassic Park".
> In the movie, which stars Ken Olin as a systems analyst, a chunk
> of the East Coast is hit by power outages, medical equipment
> malfunctions and a nuclear power plant threatens to melt down when
> computers misread 2000 as 1900.
To make this plot work, Ken spends the first hour and forty-five minutes
of the movie trying to figure out how (and why) to add calendar circuits
to things like heart defibrillators that couldn't possibly care what
year you're having a heart attack. Then he spends the last fifteen
minutes saying, "Wait, I'm acting like an idiot. I must take the calendars
back out! But first, I will take off my shirt!"
> ``We're concerned that if you take the film together with some
> of the other messages of alarm ricocheting around popular culture
> that people may get a wrong message,'' said Jim Owen, spokesman for
> the Washington-based Edison Electric Institute, which represents
> companies that deliver about three-quarters of the nation's
> electricity.
Yeah, if they pull "Y2K: THE MOVIE" off the air, there will be NO
misleading fearmongering about Y2K anywhere on your local TV dial.
> NBC plans to air a disclaimer before the movie reminding viewers
> that it is a work of fiction.
You know, like "YOU'RE WATCHING TV."
> ``We are confident the TV viewers are fully capable of
> distinguishing between news programming and entertainment
> programming,'' NBC spokeswoman Rebecca Marks said.
Unfortunately, TV executives aren't. (Witness that NBC couldn't decide
whether "TV Nation" was news or comedy, so they put it in the _drama_
department.)
> The Edison Institute has asked network affiliates to reconsider
> airing the movie or to add further disclaimers. A letter from M.
> William Brier, the institute's vice president for communication,
> also suggested stations consider broadcasting a news report on
> local Y2K preparedness efforts.
Oh, yeah, the local news on Channel 7 is the lone voice of reason about Y2K.
BY THE WAY I WAS BEING *JUST* *A* *TINY* *BIT* SARCASTIC! AND NOW I AM
PICKING MY NOSE AND SHOUTING "DUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Tonight Channel 7 just broke the horrifying story that 90% OF AMERICAN
MONEY IS COVERED WITH COCAINE! I thought this particular ridiculous
pointless manufactured phobia had already played out in the 1980s,
but maybe they ran out of things to make elderly people scared about.
Generic Elderly Stereotype says,
"I GET ALL MY NEWS FROM READER'S DIGEST, ANN LANDERS, AND REGIS PHILBIN!"
> ``We understand the need for creative, exciting programming,''
> Brier wrote.
"We have to fully understand it to support our daily efforts to avoid
making any of that stuff."
> ``But we also believe the importance of social responsibility at critical
> moments like the one we're about to enter.''
Translation: "We should try to eliminate the silly hysteria at this
critical moment when THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE!!!"
> The Y2K computer bug is a result of programming shortcuts that
> used two digits to denote the year. Experts have warned that
> systems could fail if computers are not fixed to properly read
> 2000.
Yeah! Look what happened to Mayan civilization! They were wiped out
by the time they reached the end of the Long Count!
(Woo, I made a reference to base-20 numbers. Mayans counted on their toes.)
> At least one NBC station will go beyond the network advisory --
> WHDH in Boston will broadcast additional cautions throughout the
> movie, said spokeswoman Ro Dooley. Asked about the electric
> institute's request for Y2K news stories, Ms. Dooley said: ``We'll
> probably do something after the film because it makes sense.''
Yeah, certainly nothing will make sense until the film ends.
> Other officials have expressed concern about the film. The
> National Governors' Association asked for an advance look and the
> American Bankers Association asked NBC whether it depicted any runs
> on banks. The network said it didn't.
> ``I don't think there's any reason for them to worry. The public
> knows this is entertainment,'' ``Y2K'' executive producer David
> Israel said.
His partners, David Trilateral Commission and David Book Of Revelation,
also denied they were covering up anything that would worry paranoid bozos.
> ``The people who are going to panic, who think the apocalypse is
> going to occur, are well into this already. They've been stocking
> goods, getting wood-burning furnaces, building domestic caves in
> Montana for an awful long time,'' he said.
Yeah, and until someone invents a wood-burning TV, we don't have to
worry about those nuts watching NBC! Just the regular nuts.
> Joe Pawelczyk, spokesman for the New York Clearing House
> Association, which settles electronic transactions for 950 banks,
> said he thinks most people believe the country is ready for Y2K.
Unfortunately, a Y2K glitch struck slightly early when it randomized
all the letters in his name during an intersection of the county birth
records with a Scrabble program.
> ``From the perspective of the major corporations and banks in
> the country, we have turned over just about every rock more than
> once to see if there's a Y2K problem under it,'' he said. ``I'm not
> too concerned about the movie.''
BUT CAN YOU ASSURE US NONE OF THE ROCKS WILL EXPLODE? WHAT ABOUT THE GRAVEL?
AND KIDNEY STONES?
-- K.
AND HARD ROCK CAFE BRAND VEGGIE BURGERS?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Y2K TV Movie Prompts Fears of Panic
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 07:48:46 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
I just wrote:
>
> liverwort moves faster than most TV-movies.
I'd like to add that liverwort has always been one of my favorite
primitive plants, although I have never tasted a liverwort-on-liverwurst
sandwich. But liverwort is a great plant because it looks like green
puddles of plastic vomit but it's really a living thing. More or less.
(Liverwort isn't quite as highly evolved as, say, crabgrass.)
-- K.
Why is there crabgrass but
there aren't any grasscrabs?
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: chi.media,alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: There's one in every group
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 04:25:08 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
In chi.media, Sherman Kaplan (shermank@enteract.com) wrote or quoted,
I don't know which:
>
> > BBB Enterprises is proud to unveil its' latest game, "Find the Usenet
> > *Loon!"
> >
> > Tired of the same old crap on television night after night? Play "Find
> > the Usenet *Loon!" tonight! It's #fun! It's exciting! And best of all it's
> > virtually *FREE!
> >
> > Here's how you play;
> >
> > Go to the news group section of your ISP and choose one of the many
> > many news groups available to download. It can be something you have
> > a passing interest in, something you are an expert in, even something you
> > know absolutely nothing about.
> >
> > Download the group. Read the current postings keeping track of how
> > many posts you read before spotting the resident Loon. Person who
> > correctly identifies the resident Loon on the group in the fewest postings
> > wins!
OOH OOH OHH MISTER KOTTER I'M RAISING MY HAND MISTER KOTTER OOH OOH OOH
PICK ME PICK ME PICK MEEEEE!!!!
> > This game can be played solo or in a group.
And the name of that group is... alt.religion.kibology.
> > Challenge your friends!
> >
> > No knowledge of the topic being discussed is necessary. Remember, the
> > Loon you're seeking doesn't know anything about it either!
> >
> > Helpful tips for beginners:
> >
> > 1. Reading and comprehension above the third grade level. This will put
> > you head and shoulders above the average Usenet Loon.
> >
> > 2. Beginners should be prepared to find astonishing leaps of logic,
> > irrational statements, ad homien attacks, strawman arguments, racial,
> > sexual, religious and political slurs coupled with complete paranoia.
And "ad homien" attack consists of any reference to the "In Living Color"
character, Homien The Clown.
> > 3. After spotting the Loon, advanced players usually give the Loon a
> > whack with their Loon *mallets. Really advanced players have a Loon
> > *Klaxon to warn of transient Loons flocking to their group. Loon Klaxons
> > emit a loud "Whoop!Whoop! Whoop!" upon Loon detection.
This is the worst chapter of Kurt Vonnegut's "Galapagos" ever!
Also, "Loon *mallet" is just a misspelling of "L*A*R*T".
> > 4. All news groups have at least one resident Loon. Many news groups
> > have an entire flock, especially in the alt. listings.
> >
> > 5. The Loon will always be right.
> >
> > 6. No self respecting Loon will ever admit to being wrong under any
> > circumstances.
> >
> > 7. Loons become quite testy when confronted with measly annoyances
> > like logic, scientific facts or actual test results.
> >
> > * Loon mallet and Loon Klaxon sold separately. Batteries not included.
> >
> > #Find the Usenet Loon can provide many hours of safe, harmless fun. It
> > should be noted that in extreme instances Loon hunting can be addictive
> > and BBB Enterprises assumes no liability for lost productivity at work,
> > late nights giggling at the computer and/or other side effects.
What if your loon spends all night giggling at the computer? In a public
library? While eating candy?
-- K.
Not eating candy.
I have a frozen fish
made from tofu that
the package said was
a chicken in the oven.
And the fish had a BIG RED
SWASTIKA on the package!
It's the attack of the
Vegenazis who substitute
fish-shaped tofu for
the chicken-shaped tofu
described on the label!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: Kibological Obituaries
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 05:44:58 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> David C. Pacheco, aged 30, died yesterday of a natural gas explosion in
> his transverse colon.
BEFORE --> ..
DURING --> . *BOOM* .
AFTER ---> . .
> He is survived by thousands of beautiful women with whom he had meaningful,
> deeply spiritual relationships and mind-blowing Tantric sex that sometimes
> lasted days at a time.
Hold it right there, Mr. Trantric Pants.
"SOMETIMES"?
Sounds like YOU have a problem maintaining an erection more than a week!
And that's just sad.
> He is also survived by a short Albanian man named Ivo Andri, who sometimes
> sent fawning postcards but who otherwise had no contact with him.
>
> Pacheco, a martyr in the Kibological religion, first achieved notoriety
> in the last years of the previous millennium, exposing the hypocrisy and
> greed inherent in the upper reaches of Kibology. In a turning point of
> the Kibological Reformation movement, he nailed 95 copies of his one
> single thesis to the door of the Boston Public Library. This thesis
> espoused the use of giant robots and zeppelins with loudspeakers to
> confuse the masses and cause chaos, and condemned both Kibo and Matt
> McIrvin for continuing to perform the Kibological liturgies in Latin:
...while accompanied by performing elephants in my pajamas!
> Pacheco felt that this alienated common, stupid people, separating them
> from the Church so that there was no one left to make fun of.
>
> Pacheco was immediately excommunicated by Pope Kibo, causing a schism in
> the church which was exacerbated when Pacheco elected a Pope of his own
> in Avignon. Pope Placibo I, elected and named by Pacheco himself, was a
> white tube sock worn on Pacheco's left hand, which he would animate
> while pronouncing on religious matters in a squeaky voice. Pope Placibo
> I was defeated in hand-to-hand tag-team combat by Bishop Joe M. Bay and
> Cardinal Rouette, and his severed cotton head was placed on display as a
> warning to other wayward footwear apparel with illusions of apostasy.
>
> Pacheco's body can be viewed at the Schadenfreude Chapel in Upper
> Poking, Dorset.
And your letters are kept at the Boston Public Library sandwiched
between the pages of Jack Benny's.
> In accordance with his last wishes, his coffin will be
> shot 1500 feet through the air from a circus cannon, landing in a pile
> of dirty mattresses soaked in gasoline, which will then be set on fire.
> The whole burnt pile will then be encased in concrete, and surrounded
> with barbed wire and warnings in seventeen languages.
Don't forget there has to be a big red triangle around it, visible from
space, because all space aliens know that the red triangle means either
"DANGER: RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL ENTOMBED HERE" or "WIDE LOAD".
> -dp.
> If I fake my enjoyment of
> someone else's misfortunes,
> is that schadenfraud?
No, but if you find your exploded colon and become pals with your colon,
it would be your Sigmoid Freund.
-- K.
I apologize if that pun
exploded in your colon.
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: Re: I know some of you people have cats
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 06:09:17 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote:
>
> http://www.bitboost.com/pawsense/index.html
>
> "PawSense is a software utility that helps protect your computer from
> cats. It detects and blocks most cat typing, and also trains your cat to
> stay off the computer keyboard."
>
> I just REALLY like saying "WARNING! CAT-LIKE TYPING DETECTED!"
Not only do they claim it displays that in a big scary gray rectangle on
the screen, they claim it also makes a special sound that scares cats.
They let you download it to hear it.
IT'S JUST SOMEONE ALTERNATELY SUCKING AND BLOWING ON A HARMONICA!
^
point where Kontext-Away
will doubt make an appearance.
In any case, I think that all they're saying is that "Cats are annoyed
by exactly the same thing you are. Here, listen to me sucking on a
harmonica for a while."
> NOEVMBER 20, 19999
>
>
> DEER MR. GROSE%RY STOR ONER:
>
> HELLO!1! THIS IS DAVID PACH CO RITING THIS LETER. MY CAT SEEM
> S TOO HAV RUN OUT OF THOS DEL$ISHUS TUNA-FL AVORD TREETS. (PLEES SNED 4
> CRATES TO
>
> MY ]HOUS IMMM EDETLY ASA7P BY UPS. MAKE THAT 6 CRATES+. 12 JUST TO BEE
> SHUR. HA! HA! HA1! JUTS LEEV ' THE B*OX BY THE D6OR.
> +-------------------------------------------+
> PLEES BIL L ME
> LAT ER. WARNING! CAT-LIKE TYPING DETECTED!
>
> To protect your credit rating,
> PawSense is diverting keyboard input
>
>
> Enter password to return to application
>
>
> Password: __FUK U DAVE!1!____
>
>
> +-------------------------------------------+
Weren't you also supposed to make a joke about your cat eating your
computer's mouse?
> -dp.
> But I still have NetWatch
> installed so that he doesn't
> visit all the kitty porn
> sites.
Okay, I'm not going to try to top that awesome pun. But I will go to
their site and look for fun sentences to quote:
-> Q: My cat is so mellow that no sound ever annoys him/her. Will your
-> software work?
->
-> A: Make sure that your speakers are aimed directly at your keyboard,
Oh, yeah, because most computer speakers emit tightly collimated beams
of sound that cannot ever bounce of any objects and is impossible to
hear unless it is pointed at your feet while you are walking on the keyboard.
Also, if your cat is sufficiently mellow, try reciting the entire
Monty Python "Confuse-A-Cat" routine over and over until the cat gets
disgusted and leaves to live with someone who's not unbearable.
-> Q: My cat is deaf. Can you help me?
->
-> A: PawSense detects the paws of even deaf cats.
REALLY?
-> Even if a cat is deaf, PawSense blocks cat typing once detected.
REALLY?
-> This makes it harder for the cat to mess up your programs, data files,
-> and operating system. However, PawSense does not include a miracle cure
-> for deafness.
In fact, it causes deafness. Have you tried listening to that harmonica
sound yet? Go to the "Sounds That Annoy Cats" page:
http://www.bitboost.com/pawsense/example-of-sounds-that-annoy-cats.html
(Warning: It's very loud.) Then download the .WAV file, set your sound
player program to "LOOP FOREVER AND EVER" mode, crank up the speakers,
and leave it on all day while you're at work. Then you'll have a deaf
cat and PawSense will be guaranteed to work perfectly!
-> PawSense also includes a screensaver mode, which features
-> extra-sensitive cat detection,
Sorry, PawSense only works on deaf cats, not gay cats.
-- K.
Hey, here's an idea: Why not just check the
box in your computer's control panel that says
"LOCK SCREEN AFTER ___ MINUTES OF INACTIVITY"?
OOPS, I JUST ACCIDENTALLY PUT PAWSENSE OUT OF
BUSINESS FOREVER! SORRY!
-----------------------------------------------------
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Subject: HERE COMES A MEME!
X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium
Date: Sun, 21 Nov 1999 06:29:33 GMT
Organization: http://www.kibo.com
In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote:
>
> Thursday The Ion's Path & Erge2erg 24 ? 0 Cr ? erg
> Well? continuing along with the 59,60 Solar Flare (November 12-13)
> ==================================================================
> Lookie? i've no idea about actual numbers? I JUST GUESS?/?
> My guess now {99-11-17 9:12 A.M. PST} will be the ?"EVENT"?
> in question will not even register on the GEOS 8-9
> numbers i've posted? ok lemme TRY to find those ?????/?
> :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
> 1] their velocities in excess of 500? probably
> 2] above 2000 microVolts/meter
> 3] 31 meters short wave to VHF TV.
> 4] GOES-8 Proton Fluence GOES-8 Electron Fluence
> ] --- Protons/cm2-day-sr --- -- Electrons/cm2-day-sr --
> ] Date >1 MeV >10 MeV >100 MeV >0.6 MeV >2 MeV
> ] 10 25 8.3e+05 1.2e+04 2.8e+03 2.6e+10 3.5e+08
> 5] 844,800 per cm^2 29,500,000,000 electrons /cm^2
> 6] so my 1st guess was more than 4 coulomb's
> 7] 8759 N10E45 288 0920, 8760 N14E09 324 0310
> 8] E_r=V/(r*ln{r2/r1}) Where V>oltage r1 central wire r2 cylinder
> 9] In Germany, a man named Chris Peate has
> his [20]GSOC Satellite Visibility Page
WARNING: CAT-LIKE TYPING DETECTED
-- K.
You can buy me
for only $19.99.