Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Crowds, prices, Y2K bug threat dampen millennium party ardour Date: Thu, 2 Dec 1999 07:27:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com For the AFP wire service, Louis Nevin wrote: > > PARIS, Dec 1 (AFP) - Millennium Fever, widely expected to mount > as the end of the year looms, has so far failed to make a great > impact and event organisers are frantically scaling down their > ambitions amid fears of a fiasco. OH NO! THE Y2K BUG HAS DESTROYED THE POSSIBILITY OF ANYTHING EXCITING HAPPENING IN Y2K! > Surveys and opinion polls in several countries reveal a distinct > lack of public enthusiasm for extravagant festivities as the way to > herald the new millennium, with large majorities declaring that they > will stay at home and celebrate among friends. Actually, I think the large majority of people who take time to participate in wire-service opinion polls will spend Y2K day at home PRETENDING they have friends. > High prices, fear of crowds and concern at possible travel > disruption caused by the "millennium bug" are among the most > frequently cited reasons for preferring a low-key approach. And confusion about where to stand to get the best view of The Millennium Bug flying through the sky once every 76 years. > A poll in the US weekly Time magazine found that 72 percent of > Americans have as yet made no plans to party on December 31, and > only one person in five said they would be celebrating on a larger > scale than in a normal year. Well, I shall certainly be partying down. LOOK! I CAN DO SARCASM WITHOUT NEEDING TO MAKE A SMILEY! > In Canada, only 37 percent said they had anything special lined > up. In Britain, more than 50 percent will be staying at home. In > both the Netherlands and Poland, three-quarters of those questioned > said they would be celebrating with family or friends. The Dutch will celebrate by smoking _tobacco_ for a change. > As a result, various events planned around the world are being > cancelled or scaled down. > In Washington, organizers of the New Year's Eve event on the > Mall, the esplanade which stretches between the Lincoln Memorial and > Capitol Hill, are now planning for only 100,000 people, compared > with projections of 600,000 only two months ago. Why, at this rate, the prediction will be down to 5 people only two years from now! > A "Los Angeles Millennium Show" will now not take place, nor > will several events that had been scheduled in Canadian cities. But no events _ever_ occur in Canada. Unless you count moose walking through the towns. > In India, lavish festivities scheduled to take place at the > Khajuraho temples, in Madhya Pradesh state, have been cancelled. I was going to say "But what about the lavash festivities in The Land Of Flat Bread?" but I decided not to because it was a really feeble pun-like effort, which was too bad because I would have liked to have said that because nobody would get it because who the hell else knows the word "lavash"? > In Britain, where six billion pounds (10 billion euros, dollars) > have been invested in millennium-related events, the Tourist Office > now says it expects "lots of people" to gather in the streets of > London on December 31 rather than the three million it had touted > earlier. The Millennium Dome is expected to earn back its cost sometime between 3000 and 4000 AD. > Offers of Millennium Eve specials by London's swish hotels, the > Ritz, Savoy and Dorchester, costing between 3,000 and 8,000 pounds, > have had a take-up rate of between 60 and 70 percent. Enough about the swish hotels -- what about the whoosh hotels and the zowie hotels? > "There was massive enthusiasm for millennium celebrations at the > start of the year, but it seems to have fallen away," a spokesman > for the Ritz said. THAT'S THE WAY THE RITZ CRUMBLES! Excuse me now while I re-enact some of the famous vaudeville routines of the Ritz Brothers. [Kibo goes into the next room and does some stuff for a while.] There, now I'm back. > Pricing has been part of the problem from the beginning. THE Y2K BUG IS OVERPRICED!!! > In France, seven out of 10 restaurants have raised their prices > for the traditonal New Year's Eve blow-out, with an average hike of > 73 percent compared with 1998. In Paris prices are up 110 percent, > compared with 56 percent in the provinces. > Now the industry is reporting a sudden loss of appetite among > the French public. Mental image: Hordes of French people running around whining, "Eww! Everything BUT snails is gross!" > In the United States, the National Restaurant Association says > its members are so far only half-booked for the closing night of the > year. And the National Bakery Association is complaining about being half-baked. > Tour operators too are reconsidering their pricing policy, in > Europe as in the United States. Oh no! Y2K could bring a premature end to Archimedes Plutonium's tour of places that aren't near where I live! > Faced with the low take-up of their exorbitantly priced > end-of-year offers of visits to such as exotic locations as > Rovaniemi, Father Christmas' supposed lair in Lapland, northern > Finland, or cruise-liner excursions in the Antarctic, they are > suddenly cutting back prices by as much as 50 percent. Golly, the sudden price drop makes me even MORE likely to visit the extreme northern end of Finland. <-- THIS WAS SO SARCASTIC I ALMOST USED A SMILEY! PLEASE STOP ME BEFORE I SMILEY AGAIN! > Those who would rather sit out the event this time round, or > spend it quietly at home, will be able to celebrate the millennium > in style a year later in Cuba. The only part of the world to not be destoryed in Y2K, due to the fact that Cuba doesn't have any computers or electricity or cars made after the birth of William Frawley. > President Fidel Castro, accurate to a fault, Yep, that's his biggest fault. He's just too honest to be a good Communist dictator. His second biggest fault is that he couldn't get onto an American baseball team because he wasn't as good as Joe Shlabotnik. > has informed his fellow citizens that no special festivities have > been planned this year since the third millennium does not commence > until January 1, 2001. I wonder whether the people in Israel consider The Third Millennium to start in 2000 or 2001. -- K. Shouldn't Lorne Greene be making his big speech about peace with the Cylons about now? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Crowds, prices, Y2K bug threat dampen millennium party ardour X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 02:08:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > For the AFP wire service, Louis Nevin wrote: > > > > > > PARIS, Dec 1 (AFP) - Millennium Fever, widely expected to mount > > > as the end of the year looms, has so far failed to make a great > > > impact and event organisers are frantically scaling down their > > > ambitions amid fears of a fiasco. > > > > OH NO! THE Y2K BUG HAS DESTROYED THE POSSIBILITY OF ANYTHING EXCITING > > HAPPENING IN Y2K! > > Yeah, and now historians in the 28th century are going to have to MAKE UP > stories about how we got all excited and scared and crazy about the year > 2000, just so they can laugh at us in their stupid powdered wigs and > promote their stupid Age of Reason, and in the year 2977 they will be > uncritically quoted in the People's Almanac right next to the story about > the QWERTY conspiracy. I get the feeling that somewhere up there, Orson Welles is laughing his ass off. At least until William Randolph Hearst points at him and yells, "HEY, LOOK, IT'S THAT GUY WHO PLAYED UNICRON IN 'TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE'!" -- K. I hear that all computers have QWERTY keyboards because it stands for Quick Wits Easily Read This, Port Out, Starboard For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge Won't Go Redundant Array Of Interactive Disks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Posting from Germany;Darmstadt & CERN; AP's Science Odyssey Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 06:07:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In soc.history, soc.history.science, talk.politics.theory, & talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > I would say that Germany is the Japan of Europe, or perhaps > Japan is the Germany of Asia. GENIUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GENIUS!!! -- K. Also, Japan is the largest peninsula in Europe. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Posting from Germany;Darmstadt & CERN; AP's Science Odyssey Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 03:47:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > > > [directed at Kibo] > > > > Also I notice that on your artists conception of the > > solar system you don't have another celestial body in > > the same orbit as Urth but on the opposite side of > > the sun, with electricity that goes the wrong way > > thus causing men in wheelchairs to kill themselves with > > mirrors. > > > > Sir, have you no respect for SCIENCE? > > THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS. > WE KNOW THAT YOU CAN HEAR US, EARTHMEN. > WE ARE ANGRY AT YOU FOR DROPPING BROKEN STUFF ON OUR PLANET. > WE COULD DESTROY YOU IN A MOMENT BY SNAPPING OUR FINGERS > BUT INSTEAD CHOOSE TO FIGHT YOU IN A DRAWN-OUT SERIES OF > ATTEMPTS AT INDUSTRIAL SABOTAGE DIRECTED AT ALL FACILITIES > BEARING A VAGUE RESEMBLANCE TO WASHINGTON DULLES AIRPORT. > WE DO THIS FOR THE KICKS. > WE LIKE YOUR THEME SONG THOUGH. Dammit, now I'm going to have a medley of both versions of that theme song running through my head. And you're reminding me that I miss Derek Meddings, and that one of the minor crewpeople on "Captain Scarlet" was named "Plugg Shutt". And that on "Terrahawks" there was a puppet that looked like my ex-wife and some evil robots that looked like the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists' Doomsday Clock before those mean atomic scientists changed it to make the doomsday clock not look scary. Just for that I'm going to write all my articles in Microgramma Bold Extended No. 2 until Matt stops talking about how life on "Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons" was so much more fun than life in our ordinary world where nothing explodes except for peace conferences in Seattle. -- K. CUE GHARLANE TO TELL HIS STORY ABOUT HERBERT LOM'S DETACHABLE EYE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Blood Pressure in unrestrained rat Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 06:25:49 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.bio.ethology, "JanCzek" (janczek@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: Blood Pressure in unrestrained rat This is my favorite Subject: header of the month. I know that Al Haig was Deep Throat, but who was Unrestrained Rat? > MEASURING BLOOD PRESSURE OF THE UNRESTRAINED, UNHEATED RAT NO NEED TO HEAT RAT! READY TO EAT! NOW WITH FUDGE BROWNIE! (serving suggestion) > We have been able to overcome two basic drawbacks of non-invasive BP (M,S,D, > HR) measurements (NIBP) in laboratory rat, which are: > A.Heating animal above room temperature to increase circulation in the rat's > tail, and B. squishing all of the rat except the tip of its tail in a hydraulic vice to increase circulation in the rat's exploding tail. > B.Placing rat in the restrainer during measurement. > In our system measurements are performed in 20 degree C. room temperature > and rat is not restrained in the animal holder. I'd like to see the people sitting around Carolina Biological Supply thinking of these things. "How about an Animal Holder?" "Can we make it a clip-on?" "Yes!" "I know, let's sell an Animal Holder in a choice of colors to match our Rat Dispenser!" "Wow! This'll sell even better than the new Long-Range Polytron With Laser Targeting Sight!" > These two factors eliminate basic BP measurement errors, common in other > systems, which are due to the stress inflicted on animal during measurement. > We have been able to measure non-invasively BP of unrestrained and unheated > rat using Columbus Instruments, "Respiromax" NIBP Computer. Method involves > two small cuffs, one for tail occlusion I think I had that after I ate all those dried strawberries and then drank a glass of water. The experience completely ruined my enjoyment of the Jar Jar Binks Tongue-Shaped Lollipop later that evening. > and second used as a microphone to sense blood pulsation. Thin air tubes > lead from the "Respiromax" NIBP Computer via swivel to the tail cuffs > placed on the rat's tail. Then, the D-rings on the leather parachute harness are attached to the telescoping universal joint on the Venus Butterfly sling, and the Violet Wand is connected to the TENS unit so that -- whoops, excuse me, I thought this was a different newsgroup. Sorry. Let's go back to talking about something wholesome like rat bondage. > Specially designed filter minimizes artifacts from animal movements, but > unfortunately, the reliable BP measurements are still only possible during > the short periods when animal is resting. When making single BP test on > multiple animals it takes usually 2-3 min to obtain reliable first > measurement on each new animal. Measurements are automatic under computer > control. HOORAY! SOMEDAY ALL RATS WILL BE UNDER COMPUTER CONTROL!!! > User has a choice to use restrainer for prolonged BP monitoring without > close supervision. IT FITS OVER HER MOUTH!!! > Let me know if you like more information about this system. Yes, and also, I would like more information about a system for giving hemorrhoids to amebas. -- K. Also, I think someone out there still needs help quenching autofluorescence in nudibranch brain. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: materials expanded by LASER Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 06:52:21 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.materials, Hideyuki Kanematsu (i45280a@cc.nagoya-u.ac.jp) wrote: > > Hello All!! > I am looking for some materials expanded by absorbing LASER beams. I sense an episode of "Science Fiction Theatre" coming on. (TRUMPET FANFARE. PAN ACROSS A SCIENTIFIC LABORATORY WHICH IS FILLED WITH SALAD BOWLS, SALAD TONGS, SALAD DRESSING SHAKERS, AND OTHER SALAD EQUIPMENT. THE SCENE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN FILMED IN BLACK AND WHITE AND LIGHTLY COLORIZED ALTHOUGH THIS IS JUST BECAUSE IT WAS FILMED IN COLOR VERY BADLY. A DAPPER GENTLEMAN WITH AN IMMOBILE FACE ENTERS.) TRUMAN BRADLEY Good evening. I am your host, Truman Bradley. If you'll follow me to my workbench, I'll show you something incredibly fascinating. (HE TAKES ONE VERY SMALL STEP TO THE LEFT, AS HIS WORKBENCH IS NEXT TO HIM ON THE TINY SET. HE CAREFULLY LIFTS A PLASTIC SALAD BOWL OUT OF THE WAY AND STANDS A TOY ROBOT ON THE WORKBENCH. THE ROBOT FALLS OVER AND TRUMAN STANDS IT UP AGAIN.) TRUMAN BRADLEY For decades, Man had dreamed of conquering robots. The most obvious means to render robots harmless is through an innovative new technique suggested by eminent phrenologist Doctor Wilson Bryan Key, inventor of the space microscope. Doctor Key has observed that it is possible for objects to become so big that we cannot see them, so that they become, in his words, "superliminal". But how can we make robots bigger so that they become harmless? Scientists at Bell Labs have invented a form of light that can make things bigger. It is called a Ell Ay Ess Ee Ahr, or "laser" for short. "Laser" stands for "Light Emission Through Amplified Stimulation of Radiation." Let's observe our laboratory laser in action as we aim it at my mechanical friend here. (TRUMAN PICKS UP A DINER-STYLE SQUEEZABLE KETCHUP BOTTLE WITH THE WORD "LASER" DRAWN ON THE SIDE. HE POINTS IT AT THE ROBOT AND SQUEEZES IT. A WHITE STRING SHOOTS OUT JUST FAST ENOUGH THAT IT IS STILL OBVIOUSLY JUST A STRING. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE ROBOT, MAKING BOTH THE ROBOT AND THE WORKBENCH BIGGER, AND BLURRIER.) TRUMAN BRADLEY You see, this laser has caused the robot to expand. If this had been a more powerful laser, this robot would have expanded to the point where we could no longer show it on this program. However, it is one thing to perform this real demonstration on a simulated robot in my laboratory. Nobody has as yet used a laser to make an actual, living robot grow to enormous size because only some materials expand when hit with laser rays, and nobody knows what real robots are made out of. One man's quest to determine what robots are made of is the focus of tonight's story. A story so chillingly real that it COULD happen... TOMORROW. (TRUMPET FANFARE. TITLE CARD: "THE GROWTH LIGHT".) DeFORREST KELLEY Perhaps if I add an aluminum circuit to this chromatic oscillator... WOMAN Honey, do you want some coffee? DeFORREST KELLEY Darn it, wife, I told you never to interrupt a scientist at work on Mankind's greatest problem! WOMAN Yes, dear. I'll come back after you've saved us from the robots. DeFORREST KELLEY I would get much better radio-frequency transmission if I straightened out this coil... the Blyden Effect... (THE FORTY-SEVEN-YEAR-OLD KINESCOPE FILM BREAKS. EVERYTHING GOES BLACK FOR TWENTY MINUTES.) TRUMAN BRADLEY That was an exciting story, now wasn't it? Exciting and... POTENTIALLY TRUE! TOMORROW! (TRUMAN PICKS UP THE AUGUST 1952 ISSUE OF "SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN" AND HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE, TO PRETEND HE IS READING IT AS HE CONTINUES SIGNING OFF.) TRUMAN BRADLEY Won't you join me next time for another exciting adventure from the worlds of fiction and... (echo effect) SCIENCE? Good night. ANNOUNCER (voice-over) The scientist was played be DeForrest Kelley. The woman played herself. (CUT TO CARD READING "A LEMPEL TELEVISION PRODUCTION". TRUMPET FANFARE. FADE OUT.) -- K. I could watch this all night. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Genetic Food Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 07:12:01 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In rec.food.veg, "Hampster Surfboards" (MrHampster@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: Genetic Food I would certainly never eat any food that had anything genetic in it! As a result my diet is restricted to healthy foods such as Pop Rocks, Pixy Stix, Lik-M-Aid, and Candy Bubbles! > Im interested in articles on this. I have just started looking into > Genetically Altered and Manufactured foods, cheese, grains, soy,breads > etc... Dear Hamster Using A WebTV, You are quite right to look into cheese. Cheese is icky and should be investigated. In fact, the government should spend its entire national budget on the problem of figuring out what the deal is with cheese. If you are just beginning to look into cheese, I suggest first looking into Swiss, because it's got holes that make that easy. > I heard the tale end of a newd story saying that even garbage > animals(Racoons etc) will not eat these altered foods and they are bad news. WebTVs let you get nude stories? Cool! Maybe I'll have to buy a WebTV. In fact, I really do seriously want to get myself a WebTV. Whoops, wait a minute, I forgot to switch my brain on this morning -- *CLICK* Eww! WebTV! WebTV bad! Everything else in the universe good! Except cheese! CHEESE IS LIKE WEBTV! > I have aarticle on my site below under health. Please e-mail > with any info--especially lists of GM food and/or ways of finding out > the ones that are made this way. GM food consists entirely of live rabbits as Pets Or Meat. > What a drag, we think we are eating healthy and these rich bastards are > poisining us. Yeah! Let's all use our Microsoft WebTVs to protest about all these rich bastards who let us give them our money! > Thanks Tinker > > > > http://community.webtv.net/MrHampster/SurfTalk SHORT SHAMEFUL CONFESSION: I bought a WebTV Plus for my mother last month. However, it was easy to call "1-800-GO-WEBTV" to cancel service (and demand my money back from Sears the same day) after we confirmed that, yes, they do suck to high heaven. But I will say good things about "1-800-GO-WEBTV" -- on the main menu, one of the items is "Press 3 to cancel your WebTV service." So, I apologize for having briefly tainted my credit card with the purchase of a WebTV. -- K. Someday there really WILL be a little WebTV just for hamsters. It'll clip onto the bottom of the water bottle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: No Curry for Kibo Date: Fri, 3 Dec 1999 07:28:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Company Tries to Patent Curry > > Updated 7:44 AM ET November 29, 1999 > > LONDON (Reuters) - A Japanese company has stunned devotees of Indian > food by applying for a patent on curry, according to a British Sunday > newspaper. > > The House Foods Corporation is trying to take out a patent on the dish > cooked every day by hundreds of millions of people on the Indian > subcontinent and which has become a favorite in restaurants throughout > Britain, India's former colonial ruler. I'd just like to say that if anyone is allowed to patent curry, it should be either S&B or House, my two favorite brands of lard-based curry-in-a-box mix. S&B is a bit better, in my opinion, but House also makes many fine curry-related products. If there's a way we could get it so that S&B and House jointly owned the patent on curry and nobody else were allowed to ever make curry, I'd be very happy. In related Japanese convenience food product news, today I'm eating a can of City, because the can said "CITY HAS SALAD TASTE." and they're right, I can't tell the difference between eating salad and licking a city. MMM, TASTES LIKE THE BOTTOM HALF OF TIMES SQUARE! > "Not content with taking over world markets for cars and camcorders, > entrepreneurs in the Land of the Rising Sun have developed a taste for > tikka masala," The Independent on Sunday reported. > > In application no 06090838 to the Japanese Patent Office, House Foods > lists two Japanese, Hirayama Makoto and Ohashi Sachiyo, as "inventors" > of curry, and gives a basic recipe for a curry that would not impress > connoisseurs, it said. BAD CURRY RECIPE: * Yellow dye * Canned gravy Add lots of yellow dye to canned gravy. Add a sign saying "REALLY INCREDIBLY FREAKING HOT CURRY!!!!!" and sell it to bozos. For better effect, also mix in some peanut butter, cheese, and applesauce. (Some of S&B's and House's curry variants are a little icky with the cheese. They also have some interesting non-curry-flavored lard bricks, such as S&B's one for making blueberry-and-lard-flavored beef stew.) > The newspaper said that under World Trade Organization rules the men > would, if their application succeeded, be able to claim royalties on > all curry and curry products entering Japan. > > The Indian government views the application as "a matter of concern", > the Independent said. > ------------------- > YAY! Insane patents for everybody!! > I'm going to put a patent on bees. > MY PATENT! NOT FOR STEALING! DO NOT STEAL! > > Will I also have to provide a recipe? BEE RECIPE: * Yellow * Black Fold yellow into black to make layers. Makes 100 bees. Bees do not actually fly. -- K. MMM, CURRIED BEES WITHOUT CHEESE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: R.I.P., Gene Rayburn, dead at 81. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 02:02:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Match Game" host Gene Rayburn passed away today. He was 81. His final words were, "This giant bony ridge in my forehead hurts worse that time I touched fire. Fire hot! Rrr! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm about to BLANK." -- K. PAGING CHARLES NELSON REILLY, CHARLES NELSON REILLY REPORT TO THE INTERNET PLEASE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Quick Question X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 02:15:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I ask my fellow Kibologists, what term could Netscape and Internet > > Explorer switch to that would make people MORE paranoid than the words > > "magic cookie"? My vote is for "fluffy bunny". "This Web site wishes > > to put a fluffy bunny on your computer." "HELL NO! WITH A NAME LIKE > > 'FLUFFY BUNNY', IT'S GOT TO BE INCREDIBLY EVIL! AND EVEN IF IT ISN'T > > IT'LL SMELL REALLY BAD!" > > Logical Deposit > > Hyper-Doot Increment > Secret Whammy Stopper (I still do my impression of "TV Scrabble" at parties.) > Happy Item Hippy Hatler > Free Bonus Free Tax > Hex New Hexlets! We take the finest binary octets, break them into bite-size logical deposits, and fill them with the world's worst substitute for imitation artificial fake chocolate! (For those of you who haven't been little kids in the past 30 years, "Sixlets" candy contain the WORST fake chocolate on the market today.) -- K. I have an entire bag of just GRAY M&Ms. Really. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ways You Can Tell Someone Else Has Been Using Your Computer. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 02:22:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > I was just realizing that you should be able to just pick up the phone > and say "Kibo" and he'll answer. That, or whenever you're on the phone > and you mention Kibo's name, he should break into the conversation, > possibly by say DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY in unison with the caller and call > recip. > > That's why his name is so unusual. And I bet he gets a lot of calls from > Japan, unless they don't make it through his filter. > > The Kibo phenomenon should not be limited to a single medium. Obviously, > Kibo has the web-page aspect covered, and grepping USENET these days is > only slightly harder than failing to grep it by inaction. > > Kibo can be like the Thunderbirds, where you just tune to a dead channel > and call for Kibo, and he's suddenly there. > > Or you could televise a picture of a gas mask on your Cable Access show, > and suddenly Kibo's on your show. Better yet, just force everyone to talk about nothing but Kibo. Then wherever I go people will think they're special because they obvious are completely controlling my choice of where to go. SUCKERS! THEY TRICKED ME INTO FEELING IMPORTANT JUST BY SPENDING EVERY WAKING MOMENT TALKING ABOUT ME!!! -- K. And now you know the REST of the story. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ways You Can Tell Someone Else Has Been Using Your Computer. Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 04:05:03 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Better yet, just force everyone to talk about nothing but Kibo. > > They should teach Kibology in science classes in elementary > schools. They should force everyone to talk about nothing but Kibo while in elementary school, and everyone would have to be in elementary school at all times. Also, mentioning Einstein's Theory Of Relativity would be forbidden because it's just a theory. Also, pi would be redefined to have a higher last digit because I want more circumference on my pizza. And the punishment for not talking about Kibo in class would be TO DRINK ARONIA JUICE UNTIL YOU CAN EXPLAIN WHAT THE HELL ARONIA JUICE IS! -- K. (drinking aronia juice, for the first and last time) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: INCREDIBLY QUICK LITTLE QUESTION!!! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 02:35:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sian Massey (massey@altricm.demon.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Why bees?" > > > BECAUSE WASPS. > > I should really leave the above statement to speak for itself, but I can't. > I need to tell the story. > > When I was about five, my mother stopped after school to speak to my teacher. > I was wearing a sleeveless dress, and while I waited for her I leant back > against a radiator and spread my arms out along the top. This is going to turn into another one of those stories about rats taped to the floor being stepped on with high heels that recently floored an accelerator pedal while your other foot is wearing a burning loafer, right? > A wasp was behind the radiator and stung me. My mother and the teacher > put vinegar on the sting. So much vinegar, it took two people to lift! > Since then I have been afraid of wasps, and also of bees because they > remind me of wasps and they sting too. > > But it hasn't stopped there. I am also afraid of yellow and black stripes, > the smell of vinegar, and buzzing noises. This affects me in unpredictable > ways, for instance I can't watch the Grand Prix on television because of the > buzzing, whiny noise the cars make, and I hate vinegar on fish and chips. > If I worked really hard at it, I could probably blame every problem I have > ever had on being stung by a wasp at the age of five. I should count myself > lucky that I'm not scared of radiators. Hey, Sian! Run right out and rent the film "Eraserhead"! It's got this great scene in it that... um... doesn't involve a radiator in any way! And the film isn't weird or disturbing or anything! And David Lynch is a genius! > Somewhere, there lives a wasp who is completely traumatised by the time > he got trapped behind a radiator by a five-year-old girl, and had to > sting his way out. And hey, you need to rent "A Bug's Life" too, just for the closeups of Dan Aykroyd's character! Dan Aykroyd is not scary in any way! Also he is completely sane and not a twit who thinks "Ghostbusters" was a documentary! -- K. Ted Turner's channels are now telling me that there was never any such person as George Lazeby between the other two people who played James Bond. P.S. Why was your mother coming to school to talk to your teacher? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What's going on at protests? (My life's story, first draft) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 03:07:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Yeah, and I used to get very, very sad when people talked about > how I would look back one day and realize that my teenage years > were the best years of my life. > > Well, actually, they weren't. PRIEST (to YOUNG MAN): Remember, these are the BEST years of your life. (CAMERA PULLS BACK TO REVEAL HE'S STRAPPED INTO AN ELECTRIC CHAIR. CAMERA PULLS FURTHER BACK TO REVEAL A SIGN ON THE ROOF WHICH SAYS "JUVENILE DEATH HOUSE". CUT TO BENNY HILL RUNNING AROUND IN HIS UNDERWEAR.) -- K. I WISH LAUGH-IN WERE IN ITS 28th SEASON RIGHT NOW SO I COULD WRITE FOR THAT HIT SHOW BEFORE IT BECOMES FORMULAIC! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.tv,alt.obituaries From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hazel Frederick Dead at 91 X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 03:11:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > MILWAUKEE, WI (AP) - Hazel Frederick, best known as the elderly > grandmother almost ran over by a shopping cart in the opening title > sequence of "Laverne & Shirley," died Tuesday at the age of 91. Oh no! Not Hazel Frederick! NOT HAZEL FREDERICK!!! > Ms. Frederick was buying groceries near her Milwaukee home when a camera > crew caught her as she was unwittingly almost a victim of the escapades of > Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall. Her facial expression of shock was > broadcast for a second and a half every Tuesday night on ABC for seven > years, until the top-rated show was relocated to Los Angeles and the > credits were changed. Don't forget the first couple episodes of the second season where they electronically blacked her out because she was holding out for more money and they didn't have time to reshoot that expensive title sequence. -- K. I just don't understand how such a good show as "Happy Days" became a spinoff of such a lame show as "Laverne & Shirley". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What I Ate on Tuesday. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 03:19:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Darla" (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Fish Crisps = Canadian for "fish sticks." Only smaller and shaped weird. Yeah, unlike regular American fish sticks, which are shaped exactly like fish. I've seen scrod swimming around Boston Harbor and they really do have ninety-degree corners on all six sides. Also inside they're filled with something resembling white library paste but without the pleasant wintergreen flavor. > Like little obelisks. AAAUGH! AUGH! YOU JUST MADE ME THINK OF A MOVIE THAT FEATURED ROBERTO BENIGNI! WHEN I WAS IN MONTREAL THERE WERE 48,000 POSTERS IN THE S.T.C.U.M. FOR "ASTERISK: LE MOVIE" WITH ROBERTO BENIGNI AS DETRITUS AND "ELVIS GRATTON DEUX" WITH SOME MORE OBNOXIOUS GUY! BECAUSE OF THIS EXPERIENCE I AM NEVER GOING TO CANADA AGAIN BECAUSE CANADA IS FILLED WITH BAD MOVIES! Unless they fooled me by secretly switching Canada with Mexico, but I don't think they did because I didn't see a single poster for "Santo Vs. The Aztec Mountie". -- K. Also I don't see how they could keep that secret because Mexico wouldn't fit right in the hole where Canada used to be before Rhea Perlman blew it up in that Roger Moore movie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: CS Ed revealed!!11! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 03:31:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote: > > Actually I just figured it out driving to work this morning. Kibo > doesn't have a CAR. He WALKS places and takes public transportation. He > SEES and INTERACTS with a lot more VERBS and NOUNS at CLOSE RANGE than > people who are sitting in cars do. He has more time to THINK ABOUT STUFF > and make surreptitious notes than people driving cars on boring highways. Also my brain goes much faster than that of a hu-- EXCUSE ME, I AM LATE FOR AN IMPORTANT MEETING ELSEWHERE AT SOME OTHER PLACE WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY NO HIGHER THAN THE SURFACE OF THIS PLANET. -- K. Please don't ask me about Mozart. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An Ethical Dilemma Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 03:55:21 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY! HERE COMES A MEME! I ALMOST USED A SMILEY AS I SPRAYED MATT McIRVIN WITH KONTEXT-AWAY WHILE NOT LIKING BOB HOPE! > [...] > > THE TINGLER IS LOOSE ON THE NEWSGROUP! > > [...] BEABLE BEABLE BEABLE! I'M MARRIED TO JULIET LANDAU AND THERE IS A PERSON NAMED CHARLES NELSON REILLY! JACK BENNY WAS A TRANSVESTITE! KONTEXT-AWAY INVOKES GODWIN'S LAW AND IS DECLARED HARMFUL WHILE FLOORING THE ACCELERATOR PEDAL, FILM AT 11! I would just like to say that if someone had split a hundred million dollars between William Castle and Vincent Price, the two of them could have made a movie SO good that from that point on nobody would ever feel the need to make any more movies ever again. -- K. I miss Vincent Price. You know, his art collection was so big it wouldn't even fit on Bob Hope's real estate collection! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Modern Problems. Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 05:42:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Several years ago, I think in 1991 or 1992, I told alt.religion.kibology that I had exactly the same fleshtone as Michael Jackson, because he was on the cover of _TV Guide_ and I held it up next to the mirror to do an accurate scientific comparison. Well, this week, _TV Guide_ has put Michael Jackson on the cover again -- this time with drawn-on beard stubble, a really asymmetric cleft chin, and less of a nose than Barbara Bain minus Joan Rivers -- and I did the comparison again. Now my skin is _darker_ than Michael Jackson's. I'M BLACK! QUICK, SOMEONE BUY ME A BOOK ON HOW TO STOP BEING NOT COOL NOW THAT I'VE TURNED BLACK! HELP ME, LeVAR BURTON! As if this turn of events weren't worrisome enough, today I saw a Web page that consisted of a guy's resume (in all capitals with most of the nouns spelled wrong. On a pink background.) The scary part: At the bottom... he included clickable links to his three favorite Web sites... one of which... was... porno. YOU GOTTA ADMIRE THE CHUTZPAH IT TAKES TO BE THAT STUPID! -- K. Now that I'm black, can I sleep with Madonna? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: STORY (repost): Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame Date: Sat, 4 Dec 1999 07:40:16 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I posted this two months ago, and I'm reposting it now because Gene Rayburn has just passed away. This is my tribute to the man who made a career out of ending every dirty joke with the word "BLANK". /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Einstein's 30 Minutes of Unmatched Fame by James "Kibo" Parry Copyright (C) 1999 James "Kibo" Parry It was that time of day again. Gene Rayburn made a clever entrance by walking onto the stage from the left instead of the right this time. His three-foot-long, hair-thin microphone was hard to see against his plaid jacket, but nobody was looking at it anyway because they were are staring at the bony ridge where his forehead should have evolved. He grinned into the camera as he prepared to crank out another episode. With Nipsey Russell! Brett Somers! Gary Burghoff! Charles Nelson Reilly! Richard Dawson! And Fannie Flagg! Here on the star-studded, big-money "Match Game '74"! Gene waved his microphone, fascinated by the shiny silver part. He liked it better than the red lights across the room. Red lights looked like fire and fire hurt! Fire burn Rayburn! "Rrr! Welcome to Match Game '74! I'm your host, Gene Rayburn, and this is our panel of wonderful celebrities!" (Brett Somers yelled "Kiss my grits!") "Now, let's meet our new contestant..." A large turntable slowly revolved, bringing a vacant-looking man with wild hair into view. The show's dressers had placed him in a salmon-pink jacket with enormous lapels to make him look hip. Gene waved the microphone in his general direction. "...Albert Einstein! Dr. Einstein, is this your first time here on 'Match Game'?" "Gene, I think so." "Ha ha ha! Very funny. But not as funny as our celebrity panelists! And with that, let's get started." He pushed a hidden four-inch-wide bright red button sticking out of the front of the gameboard, and something akin to a powder-blue toaster slowly rose out of the desk, with two slots marked 'A' and 'B'. "Dr. Einstein, 'A' or 'B'?" "What's the question?" "Do you want 'A' or 'B'?" "'B', please." Gene pulled a blue index card from the slot and read it aloud. "Dumb Donald was SO dumb..." (the audience shouted "HOW DUMB WAS HE?" a few seconds later.) "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK!" The studio audience laughed, then two bars of disco music played over and over while the celebrities used really loud magic markers so that you could hear them drawing some "W"s plus twice as many "E"s and a few hyphens on blue index cards. They all put their cards into the special slots where a sensor told a stagehand to flip the switch that turned on the lights on the front of their desks indicating that their cards were in the special slots. Gene Rayburn leaned over Albert Einstein. "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK. How do you fill in the blank?" Einstein thought for a moment and said, "...he didn't know the toilet was for... EVERYONE." There were scattered boos from the audience, largely masked by the laugh track. Gene shook his head. "I don't know, Dr. Einstein, I think the audience just might disagree with you. But I could be wrong, unlikely as it may seem. Let's find out what our talented celebrity panel put down for their answer." Nipsey Russell said, "I think that I shall never see / A poem lovely as / WEE-WEE!" and held up a blue card that said "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. Brett Somers said, "I had trouble with this one. First I thought about 'DRINKING'. But then I said... WEE-WEE!'" A buzzer sounded. Gary Burghoff held up a card that said "WEE-WEE!" and he said "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. It seemed to be getting louder. And the studio lights were getting hotter. Einstein started to wonder if he wasn't doing so well so far. Charles Nelson Reilly puffed on his unlit pipe for a moment before saying, "WEE-WEE!" A buzzer sounded. Richard Dawson scratched his mustache, which was dwarfed by his enormous mutton-chop sideburns and Beatle haircut, and said, "Well, I'm from England. Over there we're too polite to say 'WEE-WEE!' So, I just said 'WEE!'" Half a buzzer sounded. Then the other half. Fannie Flagg, wearing a sweater decorated with red sequins in the shape of a lobster, held up a 'WEE-WEE!' card upside-down. A buzzer sounded for a long time. The camera zoomed in on the big zero on the front of Einstein's little stucco contestant desk as the celebrities glowered down from their sextuple pulpit. Gene Rayburn shook his head sadly. "I'm so sorry you're not doing well, Dr. Einstein, in spite of your perfectly intelligent answer. But perhaps you'll do better if you give a good answer to this next question. 'A' or 'B'?" Einstein thought about this problem again, eventually concluding that the value of 'B' was greater than 'A'. Gene pulled another card out of the 'B' slot and read it aloud. "Did you hear about the tse-tse mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a keg of beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK." The audience laughed at the incredibly clever yet completely obvious punchline as the disco music repeated like an ice-cream truck jingle composed by Philip Glass, while the celebrities drew "W"s and "E"s on new, different blue cards. "Dr. Einstein, what is your answer to this -- Did you hear about the tse-tse mosquito? Well, he used to be a tse-tse. Then he sucked on a keg of beer and changed from a tse-tse to a BLANK." "Horsefly, Gene." "Is that an answer?" He looked over at the judges who had lit up the "YES, THAT IS AN ANSWER, EVEN IF IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT" sign. Of course, all six celebrities said "WEE-WEE" (except for Nipsey Russell, who said "Float like a butterfly / Sting like a WEE-WEE!") and Einstein again received six buzzers, one zero, and assorted boos from the simulated audience. Einstein picked "B" again, because "Match Game '74" contestants were always required to pick "B". The third question was even worse, especially as Gene Rayburn read it aloud in his atrocious Marlon Brando impression. "The Godfather said, 'Usually when I rub out (that means kill) a guy he "sleeps with the fishes". Today I killed the Ty-D-Bol Man and now he's sleeping in the BLANK.'" Naturally Einstein said "doghouse" and everyone else yelled "WEE-WEE!" (Nipsey Russell said, "My country 'tis of thee / Sweet land of WEE-WEE!") Einstein was now thoroughly humiliated by his inability to guess the punchline of lame jokes where the punchline was always "WEE-WEE!" He scratched his head and then it dawned on him. "Match Game '74" contained "adult language", according to "TV Guide"! But what had tripped him up was that he hadn't realized it also contained bathroom humor suitable for toddlers everywhere! The correct answer was always "WEE-WEE!" and from now on, Albert Einstein would keep saying "WEE-WEE!" Gene Rayburn pulled the fourth, and final question, out of slot "B". "At that new restaurant, 'Dracula's Castle', they have quite a bar. The Bloody Marys are made with real BLANK." Einstein thought about this perplexing question for a while and decided to go with his gut instinct. He jumped on top of the glittery little desk and waved his arms while shouting "WEE-WEE! WEE-WEE! WEEEEE-WEEEEEEE!!!!" Everyone said "BLOOD!". Nipsey Russell's blue card said, "In fourteen ninety-two / Columbus sailed the ocean BLOO-D." Einstein was shamed and disgraced by finishing the entire game with a zero score, lower than any of the toddlers playing along at home! The word "STUPID" was flashed on the screen in front of Einstein's face as the members of the canned studio audience turned to each other and loudly whispered, "EINSTEIN IS A BOZO!" (Fortunately, the audio engineer's console had a button for that.) "YOU SHOULDN'TA SAID 'WEE-WEE!'" yelled Charles Nelson Reilly. Gary Burghoff wadded up his blue card and threw it at Einstein, momentarily forgetting to keep one hand under the desk at all times when he hurled it with his bad hand. Fannie Flagg demonstrated her Southern hospitality by waiting until the camera was not pointed at her to give Einstein the finger. Gene Rayburn began to say something about Einstein being a perfect loser with a perfect score of perfectly nothing, but then he was momentarily distracted because the judges were yelling something at him. "What? Oh. Dr. Einstein, the judges inform me that you actually won, because we forgot to have another contestant for you to compete against. (sigh) I guess you WILL go on to the SuperMatch bonus round, darn it to heck!" Einstein jumped out of his seat as the turntable began to revolve under him. He narrowly avoided being crushed as the "SuperMatch" game board came out where his little desk had been. To make him pay attention, Gene rapped him on the head with his lanky microphone. "We polled 100 members of our studio audience, and the top three hexadecimal values returned by it -- I mean, the top three answers that they said -- are on the board. If you match the top answer, you'll win $500. The second answer is worth $250, the third one $100, and below that you're an idiot. You can ask three of these charming celebrities for help. Here's what you're trying to match: 'WEE-BLANK'." Einstein shaded his eyes from the hot studio lights with one hand and pointed in the general direction of a celebrity with the other. "I'd like Richard Dawson to help me, Gene." Mr. Dawson idly scratched his fluffy mustache and said oh-so-casually, "Well, as you know, I am from England. And over there we're very well educated compared to you Yanks. We even have to memorize your Declaration of Independence, even though it had no bearing on our history. 'WEE-hold these truths to be self-evident.'" Gene Rayburn smiled at his fellow game show host. "Okay, Dr. Einstein, you have one perfectly good answer. You can task two more celebrities for their suggestions." "Um... Brett Somers? She's a celebrity, right?" When the camera cut to her, she pulled her enormous sunglasses down from her forehead to shield her eyes from the imaginary rays coming out of the camera. "I resent that remark! I am a celebrity, just like my husband, Jack Klugman! And after serious consideration, I've come up with the most perfect answer possible... 'WEE-kend!'" Gene put an arm around Einstein to suggest an easy rapport with even the stupidest contestants. "You can choose one last celebrity." "Ah... um... I'll take Gary Burghoff to block." Gary Burghoff scrunched down in his seat to pretend he was short, and sang in a high-pitched voice, "WEEEEEEE-represent the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild..." The canned applause kicked in when he got to the second "Lollipop Guild", because it wasn't funny until then. The camera pulled back to reveal Gene holding Einstein by the shoulders to keep him pointed at the panel of witty celebrities. "Now, Dr. Einstein, you've got three great suggestions for 'WEE-BLANK': 'WEE hold these truths,' 'WEE-kend,' and 'WEE represent the Lollipop Guild.' You can pick any of those three, or, if you dare, choose an answer of your own." Einstein thought about it. He wanted to say 'WEE-WEE' but he wasn't sure if the rules allowed him to come up with his own answer using his own brain and not that of Brett Somers. None of the other contestants throughout the history of "Match Game '74" had ever done that. And Gene Rayburn only said once per show that it was allowed. So Einstein said, "WEE-kend!" "ALL RIGHT!" yelled Gene Rayburn directly into Einstein's ear, "LET'S SEE WHAT THE $100 ANSWER WAS!" A hidden stagehand (permanently sealed into the gameboard) slid back the "$100" card to reveal "WEE REPRESENT THE LOLLIPOP GUILD," except "LOLLIPOP" was spelled with only two L's. And they were together. (This typographical error would have been grounds for disallowing anything Einstein said that wasn't spelled that way, just to make it easier to rig the game.) "AND NOW LET'S SEE THE $250 ANSWER!" Another card was pulled back to reveal "WEE HOLD THESE TRUTHS." "AND NOW... WE'RE ABOUT TO REVEAL THE $500 ANSWER! THE TOP ANSWER! WE'RE GOING TO REVEAL IT..." (The spotlight on Einstein turned a sickly orange to make him look pale and emaciated) "...RIGHT AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS!" (There were some commercials.) "AND THE $500 ANSWER... AT THE TOP OF THIS BOARD... BEHIND THAT SLIDING CUTOUT THING... PRINTED IN ENGLISH... IS..." "WEE-WEE!" The spotlight on Einstein focused a narrow beam into the top of his thinning hair to make him look balder. The celebrities stormed down from their seats and began kicking Einstein and jabbing him with their black Magic Markers. Gene Rayburn shoved the tip of his microphone into Einstein's ear from across the room. The simulated audience threw beer bottles (it was a modified tennis-ball machine.) Fannie Flagg, JoAnn Pflug, and JoAnne Worley took off their clothes. Paul Lynde ran onto the stage and kissed Charles Nelson Reilly as the set burst into flames. And the announcer, Gene Wood, politely but firmly informed Einstein that he had won a ten-year supply of Stupid-Roni, the pasta dish for stupid people. Then "Match Game '74" was cancelled forever. Fortunately, Gene Rayburn got a job the next day, hosting "Match Game '75". In fact, he kept hosting "Match Game" variants for the next twenty years until Bill Gates sued for copyright infringement. Then Mr. Rayburn went back to his cave. THE END ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Church Offers 'Drive-Thru' Christmas Date: Mon, 6 Dec 1999 05:31:53 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > Subject: Church Offers 'Drive-Thru' Christmas Also, alt.religion.kibology is now offering 'Drive-Through' April Fool's Day. Every day. In your home. > LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- In a nation of fast food restaurants, > cash machines and even drive-through liquor stores, the city's > First Church of the Nazarene is finding people like their religion > quick and convenient as well. > This week, the church is closing its parking lot to set up a > drive-through Nativity scene for those who want to experience the > ``true meaning of Christmas,'' but don't want to leave their cars. After all, Jesus never got out of a car to go to church! IF GOD HAD MEANT FOR PEOPLE TO GET OUT OF CARS HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US CARS! > ``I suppose some people will feel it is tacky, and I suppose > intellectually it is,'' said Carla Johnson, professor of > communications at St. Mary's College in Notre Dame, Ind. ``But from > the standpoint of they have a message that they want to get to as > many people as they can ... it's a really good idea.'' > The church expects about 10,000 people to take the 15-minute > drive, said Jane Krutz, a member of the church's board of > directors. > Since the church started the tradition 12 years ago, the > five-day exhibit has grown to about 140 costumed characters and a > stable-full of animals, from donkeys to hens. Woo-woo. A drive-through chicken coup. I have a sense they're going to be selling those little cardboard tree-shaped air fresheners at inflated prices to anyone who forgot to roll their windows up. > Motorists pass through nine scenes illuminated with candles, > each telling a part of the Christmas story. In a scene where > shepherds watch their flocks by night, an angel is suspended in the air. AS OPPOSED TO THE USUAL WAY WHERE ANGELS ARE SUPSENDED UNDERGROUND! > Many churches have had to turn to secular-style marketing > efforts to attract a crowd, Johnson said. > ``They're using the channels that people are comfortable with. > They're giving you something you want to see and at the same time > getting the message across,'' she said. I'M TRYING TO CHANGE THIS CHANNEL BUT I THINK IT'S STUCK! HELP ME TURN OFF MY TV! > The concept of outdoor morality plays is actually centuries old, > Johnson said. In the Middle Ages, churches sent actors to small > towns to deliver messages on morality to illiterate townspeople. > ``It's a way of reaching a culture that's more visual than > literate,'' she said. > Krutz said one man who drove through the church's Nativity > scenes about three years ago had a spiritual re-awakening. > ``He hadn't been in church since he was a boy,'' Krutz said. > ``Because it was outside, he came through it.'' > The next year he portrayed one of the shepherds, she said. > ``That one person alone is worth the work we go through,'' she > said. It's a lot like that scene in "Star Wars" where the Force gives Ben Kenobi power over weak minds as he drives past them, only the other way around. -- K. So how come there weren't any smart stormtroopers? Did the Empire only conscript the stupidest 10% of the galactic population? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: S4 Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1999 04:04:12 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) wrote: > > Monday Search4_S... & Black Bird's B ? > 40 scale > December 5, 1999 9:59 A.M.PST 10 MEN 4 MAC > Ok?/? the /\/\ark thats being attempted \/\/ill be > this was conPILED after what gets uploaded tomorrow > if everthing goes as currently planned? Which may be doubtfull? > --------------------------------------------------------------- Has anyone else ever wondered what would happen if Manley Hubbell were to cross-polinate with BIFF? I think the resulting genetic hybrid of the two would look something like... Manley Hubbell, only more lucid. > Ok2? My search4 a triagulation fix ( in Europe ) met with > the Alert! Error and was abandon for this week. I would go > searching for the radio wave from MARs if i knew where to > look for that at, tho i DO NOT! My best guess would be to > stick to ISaAC's Understanding Physics: [ I DON'T ] > I do believe however so me its a matter of faith NOT > understanding ... or first hand knowledge. {not opposed} > ======================================================== You forgot to work exactly one pair of and <> in with the (parentheses), [brackets], and {braces}. However, you're doing just fine at using every possible form of ersatz capitALiZATION with THe saMe SENTENcE. > Ok3 it was in Chapter 10 electrostatics on page 164 > where I left off last? week ? > " Another commonly used unit of charge --- in the mks > system --- is the COULOMB, named in honor of the physicist." > ... equal to 3 billion esu. > :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: B Scientists say it's impossible for bees to fly. However, occasionally a B will leave tire tracks as it drives across your screen. > Allright 3 Billion ESU so now wheres the ESU.web > hmm? there something called the "electrostatic unit" on page 164 > but thats the page i was on? I `poise its three billionths of > coulomb? ha? Alright if i must I'll read all of page 164 NOT > JUST paragraph 3! hmm? 1 esu ?= 2 billion electrons > at -4.8e-10 esu each < on average? > oh well > trying by names? > Du Fay // Franklin Coulomb // ? > Otto von Guericke [German] // Stephen Grey [English] ? > Gilbert <1570> > ===========================================oh well Listen ? > Italian physicst Alessandro Volta (1745-1827){pg168/178} /// > Pierre Curie ( 1880 ){pg169/148} /// > Michael Faraday see page 165 ? > ------------------------------------------------------------- Hey, a few words there were kind of comprehensible. Okay, Manley, who's your ghostwriter? > hmm? " Imagine two electrons one centimeter apart. Since each > has a charge of -4.8e-10 esu, the total force ( of repulsion, > in this case ) between them, using Equation 10-1, is > ( -4.8e-10 )^2 or 2.25e-19 dynes. > ??????????????????????????????????? > well just where dynes came from when all i saw was esu > I donno. maybe next week for now brain chemistry = -4 again > My ideas more along these lines? `poise i bet on my one > really fast electron theory? What repulsion would exist > between itself & itself one centimeter away? Comes to mind > the Quickness of the electron vs the slowness of force. > so the electron itself may occupy both positions a billion > times B4 the 2.25e-19dyne force has had time to act even once? > ?/? ?/? ?/? ?/? ?/? ?/? ?/? ?/? ?/? ?/? ERROR: DIVISION BY SURPRISE BONUS SPACE WHICH MIGHT CONTAIN ZERO OR MIGHT CONTAIN *A* *NEW* *CAR*!!!! > obviously restatements called for. Space(s) [empty] {EMPTY} > gets occupied by electron which upon entry must effect []{} > such that spaces are contracted ( [] {} ) > or puffed out ([ ] { }) > such that the character Dyne Force appears ^ there? > see? what's inplied?/? the Force exists in the space > and those would repell yeilding ([ ] { }) > or even [( ] { )} > an extreem example of much FORCE Ah, I ([{ }]) see. {}{}{} ALWAYS REMEMBER, REAL SCIENTISTS ALWAYS KEEP THEIR BRACKETS THREE FEET TO THE RIGHT OF THE STUFF THEY CONTAIN. WHICH IS THEN OMITTED. > I see no reason why ONE electron would find its own > ? mirrowAGE ? repulsive. I can see why & how it would make > the character string Dyne A. Force appear in some space?/? > ___12:38 A.M.PST _Line 62 yeah pretty serious about the above This is the most serious article I have ever read about "Dyne A. Force". -- K. I'm waiting to see the less serious ones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumb Y2K-related Quote of the Day X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 8 Dec 1999 11:06:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I swear I haven't edited this at all. > To most Egyptians, Y2K problem is incomprehensible > > CAIRO, Egypt (AP) -- The Problems of the Year 2000, as the Y2K bug is > known in Egypt, seem a light year away for the men puffing on water pipes > in a small cafe in a Cairo slum. > > ÊÊ"Let me first solve the problem of 1999," declares 50-year-old > Fat'hallah Mohran. > > ÊÊA quick briefing about the computer malady that has consumed much of the > Western world only confuses him further. Some computers can only read > two-digit years and if they're not fixed they won't work properly in 2000, > when they will assume "00" is 1900. > > ÊÊThe same ignorance can be found all over Egypt, where many banks, > companies and government services are computerized, but where nearly half > the adults can't read and the majority of the 60 million population lives > below the poverty line. > > ÊÊAnd that's exactly how Egyptian authorities want it to be, to avoid > millennial hysteria. You heard it here, folks. HYSTERIA CAN BE PREVENTED BY MAKING PEOPLE POOR AND ILLITERATE! The article then continued, but the damage had been done. -- K. In other news, yesterday CNN informed me that, hundreds of years in the future, people will never need to eat, just like in the utopian fantasy "Soylent Green".