Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I AM NOT A ROBOT! At least I don't think so. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1999 04:39:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I was just signing up with an investment Web site and it asked me to swear that I was "a natural person". I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS FORM OF DISCRIMINATION AGAINST PEOPLE WHO ARE ROBOTS, HAVE ARTIFICIAL LIMBS, OR ARE JUST PLAIN UNNATURAL! -- K. I plan to become a robot on my 200th birthday, at which time I will also stop appearing in bad movies like "Hook". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.comics.peanuts From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Final "Peanuts" Strip Revealed! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 14 Dec 1999 23:56:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology We've known for years that Charles Schulz doesn't want his "Peanuts" strip continued by someone like Jerry Scott after he dies. In fact, he drew the final strip, designed to end "Peanuts" forever, two years ago and it's been locked in his bank vault with his will. Until now. Today he announced that he is retiring at the end of this year (presumably to avoid having to make "Peanuts" Y2K-compliant.) Because the final "Peanuts" strip will be printed in only two weeks, it's just been rushed by bonded courier to major newspapers to be prepared for publication. It's still being kept under tight guard, but while I was in New York City this weekend I managed to sneak into the New York Daily News building (through one of the holes Terence Stamp made in the walls when they were filming "Superman II" there in 1981) and take a photo of the secret strip with my Minox spy camera. And now, I am breaking this scoop to you about the contents of the final "Peanuts" strip. It is a fairly ordinary strip, in the conventional black-and-white, four-tiny-panels format. Here is the final "Peanuts" strip, for December 31, 1999: PANEL 1: (Charlie Brown and Linus are leaning on that two-foot-high wall that surrounds their village.) CHARLIE BROWN: You know, Linus, this will be the best Christmas vacation ever... instead of procrastinating about my book report all vacation, I did it already so I can enjoy Christmas! PANEL 2: LINUS: Silly Charlie Brown, the Bible says there will be a nuclear war today! You didn't need to do your homework! CHARLIE BROWN: AUGH!! PANEL 3: (The top half of the panel is filled with a giant "WUMP!" in rounded, friendly letters. The bottom half shows Charlie Brown being knocked backwards by the nuclear blast. His feet are sticking up in the air with his shoes and socks flying off.) PANEL 4: (A desolate wasteland littered with dwarfish skeletons with giant, lumpen heads and stubby little legs. Snoopy has just emerged from the fallout shelter under his doghouse. He regards the skeletons of the "Peanuts" cast and a tear rolls down his cheek as he says:) SNOOPY: I want a chocolate chip cookie. -- K. Also, as a special tribute to Mr. Schulz, all other comic strips have promised to be drawn with extra-wiggly lines that day. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Final "Peanuts" Strip Revealed! Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 08:47:10 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > > > Jamie Waterman (jamiewaterman@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > I think this is a awful sick joke and is not fitting for a > > > man who dedicated all these years for humanity > > > > I didn't see him mention me. > > I can think of a few 'Peanuts' strips that were almost as edgey > as the parody Leader posted. People think it's tame, but > "Peanuts" took NO PRISONERS! Hey, I can think of a couple that were funny too. But I'm sure over the next fifty years, I'll also probably manage to be funny once or twice. SO, START COUNTING!!! WHEN I GET TO THREE, I'LL WIN!!! Also, IT WASN'T A PARODY, IT WAS A PASTICHE! No, wait, IT WAS A LAMPOON! I mean A SATIRE! -- K. Wait, I was wrong, IT WAS REAL!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.peanuts,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Final "Peanuts" Strip Revealed! Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 08:42:39 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Jamie Waterman (jamiewaterman@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I think this is a awful sick joke and is not fitting for a man who dedicated > all these years for humanity I agree! All those people making fun of Charles Schulz are total bozos! Charles Schulz is the greatest humanitarian who ever lived because he spent fifty years being paid to draw a comic strip and made millions and millions of dollars off the merchandising! Why, Charles Schulz's characters have sold more Dolly Madison Zingers and Met Life Insurance than you've had hot dinners! They should take away all those Nobel prizes they keep giving to people who discover electricity or bring peace to warring nations or cure diseases and give them to Charles Schulz for having a daily comic strip! "Peanuts" is the most important positive social force in our world because it teaches people that even hideously deformed fifty-year-old first-graders with gigantic asymmetrical heads, noses between their eyes, and feet attached directly to their pelvis can quote Bible passages just as well as normal people! And let's not forget Mr. Schulz's skills in the area of litigation, suing anything and everything within reach! He stopped Nolan Bushnell from making a kids' video game, "Puppy Pong", shaped like a yellow doghouse because, as everyone knows, Charles Schulz invented the concept of the doghouse! Before "Peanuts", all dogs had to sleep in the street, risking serious injury from cars, which wasn't funny! "Peanuts" is what brought about the domestication of the dog! It's mean-spirited people like those guys who were making fun of "Peanuts" having wiggly edges these days that have caused Charles Schulz to prematurely retire after only fifty years of drawing the same comic strip over and over! WELL I HOPE THEY'RE HAPPY! THEY WON'T HAVE PEANUTS TO MAKE FUN OF ANY MORE! EXCEPT FOR RERUNS FROM BEFORE "PEANUTS" BECAME COMMERCIALIZED AND CHARLES SCHULZ RAN OUT OF IDEAS! FOLLOWED BY RERUNS OF THE ONES FROM THE SEVENTIES, EIGHTIES, AND NINETIES! -- K. Jealous of Charles Schulz? Naah! But I am jealous of those people who find "Mandrake The Magician" exciting, because they obviously have some gene that I don't. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: dumb quote of the day X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 16 Dec 1999 09:01:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com When CNN Headline News asked a CBS executive why there are suddenly so many TV-movies (and real movies) about Jesus, she said perkily, "The year 2000 is Jesus's birthday!" -- K. I always thought God was three-in-one, but apparently he's just two. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nautical gender slip-up Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 08:20:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com l'AFP (the wacky French news service) wrote: > > Subject: Nautical gender slip-up BENNY HILL EPISODE SIGHTED ON THE HORIZON! AND HERE COMES MONTY PYTHON AS WELL! OH NO, THEY'RE GOING TO COLLIDE! > BERGEN, Norway, Dec 15 (AFP) - Versatility has always been a > sailor's stock in trade, but news that a young male Norwegian naval > cadet was paid a monthly stipend specifically for women's > undergarments (While yelling "KNICKERS!!! KNICKERS!!!" Benny Hill crashes into Monty Python. They all explode. There is grainy stock footage of elderly woman applauding politely.) > has raised a few eyebrows here. AND HOW THE EYEBROWS GOT INTO MY KNICKERS I'LL NEVER KNOW! Oh no, now Groucho Marx exploded too! WILL THE TRAGEDY OF SAILORS' KNICKERS CAUSING DEAD COMEDIANS TO EXPLODE NEVER CEASE? > Officials say the "brassiere premium" was inadvertently granted > to Rene Loeseth, 19, because of a bureaucratic mix-up over his first > name, also common among women, the daily Dagsavisen reported > Wednesday. Other famous sissy men named "Rene": Rene Richards Rene Descartes Rene Lafayette OH NO! I JUST ALLUDED TO SC**NT*L*GY IN A SERIOUS DISCUSSION ABOUT NORWEGIAN TRANSVESTITES! I'M A BAD WIDDLE BOY! KNICKERS! KNICKERS! > "It's a good sailor's tale," explained Gunnar Vetlejord, > spokesman for the Norwegian naval base here, who added that the navy > had no plans to demand the young recruit based at a communications > facility here reimburse the money. I just like that the Norwegian navy makes you buy your own underwear. That's why Norway's taxes are so low compared to America's! > For his part, Loeseth says he will use the money to invest in > sexy underwear for his girlfriend. The best punchline would be if it turned out that he accidentally used the money to buy her MEN'S underwear. -- K. Someday scientists need to invent a non-sexy kind of women's underwear. Why should men have all the unsexy underwear? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Show goes on as Boy George escapes death by glitter-ball Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 08:30:47 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com l'AFP brings us another important wire-service news story: > > Subject: Show goes on as Boy George escapes death by glitter-ball > > LONDON, Dec 16 (AFP) - English pop singer Boy George escaped > death by inches when an enormous glitter-ball crashed down on him > during rehearsals for a concert, Britain's Sun newspaper reported > Thursday. > Hours later, the veteran trouper went ahead with the scheduled > show despite being injured in the incident, the tabloid daily > reported. > The 300-kilo (660-pound) globe struck him on the shoulder and > grazed his head before smashing into pieces on the ground beside > him. > The close shave happened earlier this week in the southern > English coastal town of Bournemouth. > "It would have been both ironic and glamorous to be finished off > by a four-foot glitter-ball," Boy George told the paper. In this context -- "IRONIC" means "SO STUPID IT'S ALMOST NEWSWORTHY". > "But I have survived and I'm still here, although my back is > aching like anything. It caught my ear, which is really sore as > well." > Boy George, 38, first made his name in the 1980s with Culture > Club. > He and his band have made a successful comeback in recent years, > while he pursues a parallel career as a disc-jockey. You see, it's a DIFFERENT career parallel to his other one, as opposed to having the SAME career perpendicular to itself. Anyway, this article further demonstrates my theory that wire-service articles never live up to my headlines. Let me fix that. Subject: Show goes on as Boy George escapes death by glitter-ball SWANK HOTEL ROOM, in the 1960s (MGM/UA) -- "Skin suffocation", said young Sean Connery as leered at the sparkly, naked body of Boy George (played by Diana Rigg.) "She's been covered in glitter after revealing the secret location of The Policeman's Glitter Ball. Highly airtight glitter, it's always fatal unless you leave a small hole at the base of the spine." Bond then launched into a ten-minute speech about how you breathe through your anus, but nobody noticed because, hey, naked Diana Rigg covered in glitter. Bond mentally ran through his file of skin-suffocation fetishists. Which perve could have committed such an atrocity? "Chocolate Jimmy? No, he would've dipped and enrobed her. Admiral MacWellington? No, she doesn't appear to have been vulcanised. This could only be the work of that dastardly perve, Glitterbug." With that last word ringing in his brain, Bond sipped his martini smoothly as yet another awkward sentence in the manner of Ian Fleming brought the crude pastiche to a jarring halt, then Bond drove away. -- K. So how come Honor Blackman was in "Goldfinger" and Patrick MacNee was in "A View To A Kill" but Diana Rigg and Linda Thorson were never in any Bond films? Linda would have been PERFECT as Oddjob! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Show goes on as Boy George escapes death by glitter-ball Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 10:34:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com An update on this morning's most unimportant news story: > LONDON, Dec 16 (AFP) - English pop singer Boy George escaped > death by inches when an enormous glitter-ball crashed down on him > during rehearsals for a concert, Britain's Sun newspaper reported > Thursday. > The 300-kilo (660-pound) globe struck him on the shoulder and > grazed his head before smashing into pieces on the ground beside him. > "It would have been both ironic and glamorous to be finished off > by a four-foot glitter-ball," Boy George told the paper. > "But I have survived and I'm still here, although my back is > aching like anything. It caught my ear, which is really sore as well." On the morning newscast, with the usual man-woman team of anchordroids, she just read this news item, then he reiterated that it was "ironic", and they both began to giggle giddily. Then she gushed, "IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE HE WASN'T HURT!" -- K. I hear once they tried a newscast with a third anchor, but it flopped because it meant they had to have two people of the same sex onscreen AND THAT MADE THE NEWS TOTALLY GAY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I don't have much time this week so I can't punctuate this Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 08:51:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I've been sort of busy with work and just got back from two trips to New York City and I'm about to leave for Washington and so I haven't had time to read alt.religion.kibology just post for the last few days so I need you people to tell me which the interesting threads I should read when I get back so I can skip the other three or four messages after I read the interesting fifteen hundred and also I apologize for not having any time to type a period after the end of this sentence K ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I swear I am not making this one up. Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 09:29:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Today's commercial that made my brain say "ERROR! ERROR!" -- The one that begins with the woman confidentially whispering, "Oh no! The abominable snowman has diaper rash!" I WISH I COULD WRITE LINES LIKE THAT! -- K. I COULDN'T, EVEN IF I HAD DIAPER RASH! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: misc.legal,sci.chem,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AltaVista discrimination; rigging of search engine (perhaps Kibo & Uncle Al) Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 09:52:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Could someone please check into why AltaVista Advanced Search > has been dysfunctional for about a year now? > > I suspect the below is true or false in parts and request that > people who technically know about AltaVista to investigate. > > This AltaVista address about a year ago, used to be useful for an Advanced Search > http://www.altavista.com/cgi-bin/query?pg=aq&what=news > But now it gives nothing with its Boolean query > > I still have the above address on both my websites of > http://www.newphys.se/elektromagnum/physics/LudwigPlutonium/ > http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/index.html > > but I wonder why since the Advanced Search is dysfunctional > > especially with its screwy date change of "(e.g. 31/12/99)" > > Try it yourself, > type in some date and it never works properly > > about the only things working at AltaVista is > http://www.altavista.com/ HEY ARCH, MAYBE THEY MOVED ONE OF THE WEB PAGES ON THE SITE THEY RUN. MAYBE YOU MIGHT NEED TO CHANGE YOUR BOOKMARK. ALSO, MAYBE YOU... oh, heck with it, DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ##### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ###### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ##### #### # # # > [...] > > So, what I am thinking is that Kibo allied with Uncle Al and some of the many thousands of AP haters, have > > rigged AltaVista so as to dysfunctionalize the Advanced Search located on my website. YEAH AND WE RIGGED THE SCIENCE OF NEUROLOGY TO DYSFUNCTIONALIZE YOUR BRAIN TOO! BY THE WAY, DID I MENTION... DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!!! ###### # # # # ### # # # # # # ### # # # # # # ### # # # # ####### # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ###### ##### # # ### > It would be to the advantage of hate-spite-mongers to rig a > search engine such as AltaVista such that the searcher never > gets any AP posts but sends the searcher off to some site location of hate-mongering on AP. Then why would I keep quoting everything you say? Or is your theory that your articles aren't even worth mocking? > So, that they can front-load their attacks upon Archimedes Plutonium and the searcher sees only the hate-spite attacks > of AP. > > This is not the first trick that the many haters of AP have > committed, and probably not the last trick either. > > One of the troubles is that these hate-mongers such as Kibo or > Uncle Al have special privileges to Search Engines that the general public does not have, and that they can thereby > easily rig the engines to the disfavor of the innocent public Goshers! Thank you, Doctor Plutonium! First you gave me a company and affiliated me with a bunch of colleges, including one in a country I hadn't even been in, and now you've given me all of AltaVista! Hey, wait... you got chocolate fingerprints all over it! Oh, and I almost forgot to say... ######### ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ########### ### ## ## ## ## ## ## # ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## ## ## ### ######### ####### ## ## ### -- K. So, Arch, let me know if you want me to stop quoting everything you say. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history,soc.history.science,talk.religion.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: revisited Virginia State Capitol Building; AP's science Odyssey Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 10:09:56 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.history, soc.history.science, and talk.religion.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > (posting from Duke Univ) > > I had to stop into Richmond and see the state capitol building > when it was not dark. I wanted to see it on the USA Odyssey tour > when I was on that Greyhound tour and the second time by bus was > at night and also raining, so I decided to see it even though it > was at night and raining not knowing if I would ever see it. I > called a taxi and bargained with a price to take into into > downtown Richmond and return me to the bus station. > > The reason I wanted to see the state capitol bldg has nothing > to do with science history GENIUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ARCHIE THE WORLD'S GREATEST GENIUS!!! > except that I had seen this bldg from Ken Burns history of the > Civil War documentary series and the shape of the bldg attracted > my eye attention. Your scientific theories are attracting my butt attention. > And that rainy dark night in Oct or Nov from the Greyhound bus > station via taxi to see the bldg, well, I was not impressed. If > memory serves me, I posted that I was not impressed with the > bldg at that time. > > Well, yesterday I drove up to the bldg with my Toyota pickup > around 4 pm and in bright sunny daylight I was immensely impressed. > I found out that the bldg had two side-additions and because of > these side additions it did not look like the Ken Burns pictures. ALSO NOW IT WAS IN THREE-DEE! > But the off-white painted stucco of Thomas Jefferson's > Virginia State Capitol building is very pretty. I had the thoughts > of a Thoreau-ized French architecture design for Mr. Jefferson > had copied some French building design. And Thoreau gets into this, how? Oh, yeah, because he had a last name that sounded kind of French, so he must have designed all those French buildings they built where ponds used to be. > And I was impressed that there were no pigeons around, not a > single pigeon to dirty up the place. Yeah, usually the pigeons are ONLY visible in the pouring rain! > And I was reminded of Lund Sweden of the University building there > which was made out of stone but painted an off-white and how much > more pretty was this Lund Univ bldg than the nearby Lund Dom > which was also made out of stone but has the ugly black and brown > appearance. That how much more pretty would be the Lund Dom if > they gave it a good paint coating of white or gold and would > protect the building from acid-rain. > > And how in Europe they do not mind having pigeons all over and > even dog manure in public places of its beautiful buildings and > statues (like Rome where you have to be careful of dog manure). I... see. Good architecture causes canine bowel movements. So hurry up and finish your campaign to build all those solid gold churches on the Dartmouth campus so our dogs will be allowed to poop there. > That visiting the Virginia state capitol building you see no > foul and dirty pigeons nor any dog manure about. > > And, why, oh why cannot the beautiful Cologne Dom be given a > paint coating of gold or white or some color combination that > would beautify and protect the Dom from acid rain. Perhaps the > Europeans believe that a stained black and brown and gray rock > Dom is better than a painted Dom and that a building of that > nature cannot be improved. Perhaps Europeans have the mistaken > notion that once a beautiful building is erected that it will > always remain beautiful and that no changes should ever be made. > That is a false notion, and that a building needs every now and > then a new vision to bring it up to date in the newer times. > The Cologne Dom, like the Virginia Capitol Building or the Lund > Univ building needs a paint coating for beautification and protection > from acid rain. Not to mention the DeLuise Dom which needs a girdle. And a laugh track. Hey, Arch, did you ever see "The Skateboard Kid", that movie where Dom DeLuise was the voice of the magical talking skateboard? You'd probably like it. > I asked whether the Virginia building was liked by Tom Jefferson > when he had it built and no, in that Tom did not like the brick > look and so he had it stuccoed and then painted. I agree that the > building looks better stuccoed and all of one color. And I do not > know how the pigeons are kept away because I did not see those > needle like spikes on the building They're called "Bird Barrier(R)". You're welcome. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to file my patent for Archie Barrier. It fits over school library computers. > so wonder if they have a new and better method of keeping away those > dirty birds (pigeons are rats with wings). And the worst case of > pigeons on my tour through Europe was at Darmstadt at the Ludewig > statue in the town square where a flock of those dirty birds one > dropping landed on my hat. GENIUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THAT PIGEON IS A GENIUS! GIVE THAT PIGEON THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR POOPING! So, Arch, if you want to keep pigeons from pooping on your hat next time, then you should stop wearing a hat. > Also, I want to mention to everyone about a great secret in Lund > Sweden. They have annis covered ice cream bars. Please, Arch, this is not the time or the place for you to be talking about a chocolate-covered anus. Go back to talking about something more wholesome, like pigeon doody on your head. > Great flavor and taste and a great substitute rather than chocolate covered. > So good were these annis covered ice cream bars that I ended up eating > 6 of them in a row before tired of them. Wow. Usually you just stuff your face with FIVE fudgsicles before telling us about all the wonderful scientific theories you undoubtedly would have come up with if you ever did anything except each chocolate in other people's campus libraries. > And, talking of special and new foods. Whilst in Vienna, there was > a Xmass promotion (The "X" mass is the invisible stuff that keeps the Universe from expanding forever.) > in the city shopping district where the local clubs were giving out > samples and had the road cardonned off I beg your pordon? > of car traffic. In one of those booths, I was given a sample of a > piece of sourdough bread with a whitish topping-like-jam. I ate it > and it reminded me of my mother from Germany some 40 years ago. > For the topping was a typical, or usual German type of food. This > topping is bacon fat with some specks of meat. It makes a delicious > topping on sourdough bread. And most USA people would shudder to > eat bacon fat spread on top of bread. However, we love lard! Lard is completely different from bacon fat! > Great experience, and one of the reasons I like to go on trips > like that as to build up my reservoir of fat. > experiences. That incident was great because it sent me back in time And it was bad because you returned. > to my mother of 40 years ago when she first served me a slice of bread > with this bacon fat (or some kind of fat) YOU KNOW, LIKE MAYBE BUTTER? > topping. I asked some German train passengers what it is called > and have it in my notes and will report it when I post those notes > to the Internet. It's too bad you're not posting to the Internet NOW. > Another great food of Europe, especially the northern countries > such as Switzerland and German is their preparation of cucumber > salads. They do a tremendous job on cucumbers Oh, like we haven't heard that about YOU. > and making cucumber salads. When I was heading back to Switzerland and was > hungry, the first thing on my mind was another large dish of just > cucumber salad. Gosh! And usually your mind is full of scientific theories about science and numbers and science stuff, not random ruminations about food you might like to eat someday! > Hopefully, the next time I visit Europe that the Koln Dom will be > painted a light blue with gold painted spires. Or perhaps white and > gold. And it will taste like candy if you lick it. Bacon-flavored candy. -- K. Hey, Arch, you should try pork sung. It's cotton candy made from bacon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.misc,sci.bio.systematics,soc.history,talk.politics.theory,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: animal akin to humans; Yugoslavization of USA book Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 10:18:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.bio.misc, sci.bio.systematics, soc.history, and talk.politics.theory, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...] > > And please tell me, is the use of cigarrettes in Germany per capita, the > highest in the world? Perhaps this is a beginning sign that Yugoslavization > of Germany has already begun and that the clean way to reverse it is to > enact birthing laws; It's a good thing they don't give out a Nobel Prize in the category of "sequiturs" because that would be another one you'd complain about not getting. > Again, I wonder if the rat is the best social animal to parallel link in behaviour to humans when overpopulated. But, Arch, we thought YOU were the parallel link to humans. -- K. So, Arch, what does our world look like from outside? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Here comes a meme! Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 10:28:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.news.microsoft, alt.tech-support.recovery, microsoft.public.outlook, microsoft.public.outlook.installation, and microsoft.public.outlook.migration, "Dodsond" (Dodsond@mail.doe.state.fl.us) wrote: > > We are installing Outlook 2000 and IE 5. Outlook will install but IE 5 will > not. When I click on the Outlook icon I receive a message saying " IE 4.01 > or higher needs to be install" I try to install IE 5 by it self but it will > not install. It gives a message saying "Need to close all programs and run > setup again" I have close everything that I can find running (tsr, programs > + etc.) If you have run across this before and have or know of a fix, ...and HERE COMES A MEME! > please let me know we are in a dispirit need of assistants. I think the President could use some assistants too, given that on the news they keep telling me he has AIDS. -- K. Now that's something to be dispirited about, unless the way he got it was really, really, REALLY good. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.composition,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A Great New Sci-Fi Novel! (CRIT) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 17 Dec 1999 21:30:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In rec.arts.sf.composition, Lisa A Leutheuser (eal@umich.edu) wrote: > > Cally Soukup (soukup@pobox.com) wrote: > > > > I'd say the most famous poster in Usenet would be Mike Godwin, hands > > down. Though most people don't know his first name, EVERYONE knows > > his law. > > I'd put in a vote for KIBO as most famous Usenet personality. > > (I recently read Godwin's law in one of his books and I don't > remember one word of it.) Everyone seems to have a wacky Internet law these days. HEIDEL'S RULE OF INTERNET METALAWS: All commonly accepted laws of Usenet logic are rendered humorless by self-reference. I'm still working on promoting my own law. KIBO'S LAW OF HUMORLESSNESS: This ain't funny. Unfortunately, unlike Godwin's Law, which ends the current discussion whenever the law becomes applicable, mine tends to misfire and end some other discussion in some other part of the Internet. -- K. My law also has a tendency to shout "THEATER!" in a crowded fire. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.composition,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gene Steinberg = Archie PU (was: RE: A Great New Sci-Fi Novel! (CRIT)) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 02:18:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, while we're on the subject of bad science fiction posted to the Internet: In rec.arts.sf.composition, John Dilick (dilickjm@home.com) wrote: > > "Mindcrime" (mindcrime@sff.net) wrote: > > > > Kibo's presence in this thread has given me an epiphany: > > > > Gene Steinberg, co-author of "Attack of the Rockoids", is really > > Archimedes Plutonium, greatest non-scientist that never was! > > > > Suddenly, this entire thread makes way too much sense. > > Nah, it can't be. He hasn't said "QUIT SEARCH ENGINE BOMBING ME!!!" > yet, nor mentioned the nucleus of a plutonium atom. Also, I don't think Archie ever came up with anything with a title as gripping as "Attack of the Rockoids". Nor is Archimedes Plutonium Agent Action! William Blair IS Agent Action. But... Archimedes Plutonium IS The Spaceman With Plutonium Cylinders! Compare and contrast: Attack of the Rockoids: http://www.rockoids.com > The people were talking, laughing, happy giggles infusing his ears. > > But he could see nothing; it was all black. > > Had he gone blind? William Blair IS Agent Action! And ALSO Revenge Rider! http://www.zenation.com/fanpage/ > A friend of a friend has a part in Revenge Rider.Ê > He says its gonna be an awesome action movie! http://www.cybamall.com/casting/ > SORRY REVENGE RIDER IS FULLY CAST. http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/kibology/action.html > a tight nit thriller story The Spaceman With Plutonium Cylinders: http://albertina.inesc.pt/ftp/misc/appleyard/pu/ [He added some new stuff in 1996, but most has been untouched by human hands since 1994. Here is the first thrilling sentence:] > Mr.Blore, stockbroker and director of several investment firms etc, > like most of his kind who try to stay profitable as ever more traders > and financiers live off the same amount of primary producers as people > whose school education was almost entirely paperwork get unwilling to > get their hands dirty, even when space travel is routine had to drive > himself and his agents faster and faster to get to opportunities first, > until much can be hostage to one illness or lost driving licence or > transport delay or loss of business papers or desertion. [and the last thrilling sentence of the final chapter:] > The Itan men returned to Base Langton on Itan III, where their undamaged > spacesuits and kit showed so clearly that they had `not raided but traded, > and I don't mean `trading shots'' that they had no option but to tell > the truth; the commander there realized tiredly that a fullscale court- > martial for disobedience and fraternizing would cause more trouble than > it was worth, as he struggled to keep up a hard authoritarian action-ready > naval-base spirit in the face of ever more calls of non-combatant work > needed in a place that had to maintain itself far from supply and backup, > and of sympathy with others who like them had to live in space or travel > across it. [there are two or three more sentences amid the eight chapters. Delightfully realistic characters named Jet Jack and Plutey-Pots are prominently featured in this epic masterpiece.] Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary movie "Gilgameshium": http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/Movie.Gilgameshium.html > Portrait of Gilgamesh in his city. The city has all of these > electrical lines only they are fiber optic lines which carry X-rays > that are turned back into electricity by the photoelectric effect. Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary movie "Lady Chatterley's Fusion": http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/Movie.LadyChatFusion.html > I need to start a new movie here. I have given a warning that this is > porno so do not read further if offended. > > I need to expand my movies because like a singer artist or song writer, > I have to expand my art talent. I hate it when a singer begins to sound > all the same. Hear only 1 second of a singer and be able to identify > him. Or a movie director when all of his films begin to look all the > same. So, I need a porno movie in my collection to round it out. Archimedes Plutonium IS "The E-Mail Avenger": http://www.galstar.com/~ichudov/ppl/ap/Movie.EmailAvenger.html [curiously, it used to say "Kibo" everywhere it says "Abian", before Archie caught on that I was making fun of him to his face. It is an interactive movie which allows you to select from four options even though you have no free will:] > But option 4 is my favorite for it recognizes the existence of Lord > Superdeterminism. Option 4 is the philosophy I have adopted with the > view of the universe as superdeterministic. Briefly, the philosophy > is that we are fated to do whatever happens, all of us, and there > is no free will. So, I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me that Archimedes Plutonium IS Revenge Rider and not E-Mail Avenger when we all know that he's really The Spaceman With Plutonium Cylinders and not Someone Having Anything To Do With Rockoids. For further reading, here is the original "Agent Action" spam: ------------- repost of antique spam --------------------------------------- From: agent@action.com Subject: ****AGENT ACTION!*** Date: 1997/04/01 Newsgroups: abg.acf-vor [and a whole lot of others, one by one] 1 ** "CLONING" MOVIE MAY PROVOKE THEATER RIOTS! ** Anticipation is so high for the new sci-fi action movie AGENT ACTION! that international theater owners are worried. Some feel their venues may be the magnet for riots. One of the movies main themes is human cloning. With cloning as a red-hot topic and the movies anticipated big budget look with gorgeous nude US playmates, the number of moviegoers is predicted to be record breaking! AGENT ACTION! is reported to be a sci-fi flick in the secret agent "Bond" Style. It sports exotic locations, impressive cinematography, and the aforementioned naked, big-breasted actresses. (Including Erika Olsen / Playboy Mar 97) The movie stars and is directed by charismatic and multi talented new leading man William Blair. It features celebrity guest villains and co-stars the talented Jerry Lee Kmiec. AGENT ACTION! is currently in the middle of a heated bidding war by international distributors. The winner may have more than just an ordinary hit on its hands. It may have the milestone catalyst of an international event. *************************************************************************************************** 2 OSCAR PICK FAVE FOR 97 ? AGENT ACTION! Talk for the next Oscars has already started. And the news is overwhelming for one film: AGENT ACTION! What "ACTION" seems to have is what the current Oscar picks lacked: both great directing, great acting, and great writing all in one. And the lions credit is aimed at one man; multi -talented star and director William Blair.l Insiders are predicting Blair may receive the most multiple Oscar wins ever: As best actor, best director, and best writer. What's more: as producer and special effects director of photography consultant: he might also nab the best picture Oscar and cinematography Oscars, too! Can Blair and AGENT ACTION! pull off this unprecedented feat? It would certainly be a day for the all time record books. Of course this is just speculation at this point. One thing is certain, though, 1997 is the year for moviegoers to enjoy AGENT ACTION! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3 CAN AGENT ACTION! CRUSH SCHWARZENEGGER? One fact seems clear: William Blair is the world's hot new action star! Not only that, he appears to be a World-Class director as well. It is this multi-talent capability- and freshness- that has Schwarzeneger and Stallone scared - yes, the world seems to be saying, replace these old fogies with new talent! William Blair, and AGENT ACTION! seem to be the cure for the movie goers case of tired old action star Blues! Arnold / Sly - next stop is the old folks rest home for you! We're William Blair fans now! Long live # 1 action star William Blair! - AGENT ACTION! ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// 4 SEX, NUDITY, AND AGENT ACTION! For the many curious to see big breasted naked actresses in AGENT ACTION!,- there is good news. A preview/trailer is now reportedly in the cutting stages. This minute and a half of selected scenes should wet the palate of the curious. AGENT ACTION!, a "Bond" type thriller set in the near future, is highly anticipated. It reportedly features the aforementioned Big breasted actresses ( including Erika Olsen/ Playboy Mar 97 ) among several other ravishing beauties. The movie is said to star and be directed by multi talented new leading man William Blair. Celebrity guest villains round out the colorful cast. The movie apparently also features lush exotic locations from around the world. Excellent cinematography and a tight nit thriller story round out this highly anticipated production. This is probably the most anticipated movie on the planet today. And the thought of a trailer - possibly soon downloadable on the net - is fantastic. But hurry please! The wait is almost more than curious movie buffs can bear! ****************** /////////////////////////// ************************* /////////////// 5 JAPANESE "ABREAST" OF AGENT ACTION! Tokyo. If there's one group of moviegoers clamoring to see AGENT ACTION! - It's the Japanese. They certainly have a yen for big breasted naked blondes - and AGENT ACTION! will supply that - and more! Nippon theater owners apparently are in a rare fight to obtain the first prints of AGENT ACTION! It is said to be the most anticipated movie in the Orient. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 6 WHY DOES AGENT ACTION FEATURE NUDE BREASTS? 'Cause Secret Agents love them! How could Sean Connery, Roger Moore, or Pierce Brosnan battle villains without a little jiggle? And the same goes for new Agent extraordinaire William Blair - AGENT ACTION! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 7 RUSH - FOR WORLD WIDE RELEASE IS AGENT ACTION! THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE? Film fans, critics, and cinephiles the world over are engaged in a heated debate. Is the new Sci-fi action film AGENT ACTION! the greatest movie ever made? Opposition is fierce. Names such as Welles, Kubrick, Scorsese, Spielberg, and Oliver Stone are of course getting huge support. Movies such as Citizen Kane, 2001, Goodfellas, ET, and Platoon are being heralded as the all time champs. And yet, the new found furor won't subside. AGENT ACTION! now has its own legions of rising vocal fans. And its star/ director William Blair is receiving the lion's share of the credit. Can this new group of fans, of a movie not yet even released be right? Can the few purportedly bootlegged copies of an advance rough cut be enough proof? Is AGENT ACTION! such a highly commendable piece of celluloid? History be damned these new fans seem to be saying. Forget the work of the "old fogies", William Blair Is the brilliant purveyor of cinema's future! And AGENT ACTION! is proof - at 24 frames per living color second! =============================================================== 8 SEX, ROMANCE, AND AGENT ACTION - WILLIAM BLAIR! Girls, Good News - William Blair is single! Yes the 6 ft, 185 lb. leading man is available! And if his blue eyes don't get you - his charming and suave manner will! Check him out in AGENT ACTION! Then in his exciting new upcoming feature THE RIDE! ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( 9 WAR! - BIDDING BATTLE BREWING Major movie distributors are sharpening their pens. Agents and Lawyers are taking sides. Telephone faxes are arming for duty. Why? For the bloody battle over the international distribution rights to AGENT ACTION! The movie world landscape is now upside down. How? Witness ancient releases like Star Wars now doing first run BlockBuster business. Plus expensive new releases are bombing. With this confusion its a new war out there. And formerly defended movie turf is up for grabs! Which studio army can capture the anticipated blockbuster AGENT ACTION!? Will it be a major battaliion force like UNIVERSAL? Of can a rising guierrila army like Miramax or Gramercy capture the goods? No one can predict the battle's outcome yet. But one victor is certain: the Audience. The World Audience - millions of popcorn and action loving troops who will be the happy victors as they embrace viewing AGENT ACTION! ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 10 WILLIAM BLAIR - TRUE INDEPENDENT - NOT SUNDANCE ASS- KISSER While most Independent filmmakers nowadays are just shameless ass kissers - of Sundance "god" Robert Redford, William Blair stands alone. The so called Independent movie movement is sickening. Independent - Independent of what? Most of these films are undisguised "auditions" for studio jobs. And the cast lists of these movies look exactly like their Studio cousins: Tori Spelling for godsakes! And most of these butt-kiss directors need to start living a life - rather than patterning these grotesque homages to angst populated by the ever tiring Steve Buscemi ( Whoever said this guy could act? ) The real barfola however, is how the "intelligensia" and "psuedo hip" are pronouncing Oscar kudos on these lightweight nothing movies. Lets face if folks: Ransom was a much better film than Fargo. Wake up you morons. Can anyone even sit through Fargo twice without falling into a deep coma. And last years Spitfire Grill - what a joke that was! It had all the thrills and technique of a bad TV movie of the week! Is there hope? Damn tootin! And my vote for movie of the year is AGENT ACTION! It cuts the sprocket holes off those "independent" lemming-ized ass-kisser movies . /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.composition,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A Great New Sci-Fi Novel! (CRIT) Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 03:14:19 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In rec.arts.sf.composition & alt.religion.kibology, Lisa A Leutheuser (eal@umich.edu) wrote: > > [directed at Kibo, or somewhere near him] > > Say, you're a lurker (newcomer?) to rasfc... Would you be > willing to look at the sample chapter of _Attack of the Rockoids_ > and offer your unbiased opinion about it? You can find it at > www.rockoids.com. I've seen far worse. I've also tasted nearly every brand of canned chili there is (for a Web page I'm working on.) One of them looks like diarrhea, smells like diarrhea, and tastes, well... But the thing is, I know that eventually I'll find another brand of forty-nine-cent chili that tastes even worse. So, I can think of several sci-fi novels that are worse than "Attack of the Rockoids" (even ones with real covers printed in color and everything, like "Galaxy 666" by Pel Torro and "Terror on Planet Ionus" by Allen Adler, and especially "Believe." by William Shatner and a ghostwriter) but that doesn't mean I can't also think of several million other things that are as good or better. I'm not saying I can write any better. I'm just saying I've eaten a LOT of canned chili, but I didn't get past the first chapter of "Attack Of The Rockoids". Still, it was better than "The Spaceman With Plutonium Cylinders". Almost better than the diarrhea chili, too. -- K. I've read slush piles of a couple magazines, including one well-known good science fiction magazine, and they do get far worse and far better. The continuum of badness is infinite, eternal, depressing, and hilarious with or without beans. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.composition,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A Great New Sci-Fi Novel! (CRIT) Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 07:07:16 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > I can think of several sci-fi novels that are worse than "Attack of the > Rockoids" (even ones with real covers printed in color and everything) T Nielsen Hayden (tnh@panix.com) wrote: > > Let me also recommend =Black Body= by H. C. Turk, published in a > beautiful hardcover edition by Villard (a respectable trade house). > =Black Body= has a word of mouth reputation among combat-hardened > slush-reading editors as a singularly awful book, off the scale of > normal judgement. Jonathan W Hendry (jhendry@ux1.depaul.edu) wrote: > > How did this happen? T Nielsen Hayden (tnh@panix.com) wrote: > > No one knows. Don D'Ammassa said he liked it. Perhaps it has some > inscrutable appeal to a tiny fraction of the reading population, and the > editor who bought the book happened to be one of them. I shall restate the theory which will someday win me The Nobel Prize For Understanding Science Fiction Fans Or Any Other Kind Of Fan For That Matter. Kibo's Law Of Fandom says, in plain English: The fewer fans there are who like something, the more those fans will like it (to compensate.) Thus, we all know that there are a lot of people running around playing dress-up at "Star Trek" conventions. But there are plenty of people who like "Star Trek". Now think about fans of "NBC's seaQuest DSV". There are maybe a hundred of them. And at this very moment they're all running around shouting "LA LA LA LA! I ARE A TALKING DOLPHIN!" And somewhere there are two or three people who liked Year Two ("NBC's seaQuest") better than Year One ("NBC's seaQuest DSV") or Year Three ("NBC's seaQuest 2032"). Those people like Year Two A LOT. Relative unpopularity breeds obsession. This theory explains a lot of things. In fact, it explains everything in all facets of human behavior. What personal preferences were previously puzzling are now perfectly predictable. (Although still creepy.) Billions of people enjoy the taste of strawberries. Because they are good, lots of people like them. Because lots of people like them, they don't need to go around advertising that. You don't hear about people going ape over strawberries. However, almost nobody likes durians. But among the people who do like durians, there are sad stories of people whose lives have been destroyed by their addiction to the world's worst- tasting, most-expensive fruit-like sticky, spiky, stinky object. Most people like dogs. They don't act weird or anything. (The people, not the dogs.) Many people like cats. A few of them get a tad catty about cats. A few people have ferrets. They talk about ferrets to their ferret friends and buy ferret costumes for their ferret pets while living the ferret lifestyle. About a dozen people own pet centipedes. And you just know that they avoid bathing because that would cut into the amount of time they could spend staring at their centipede sitting there. Think of this sliding scale: Windows -> Windows NT -> Mac OS -> Linux -> OS/2 -> AmigaDOS ...and the increasing degree of screaming geekdom of as the size of the community shrinks inexorably towards a single nerd whose life revolves around being the only guy anywhere who likes The Michigan Terminal System. Because someone, somewhere, has to like anything. And if he's the only one, he is indeed Very Special. -- K. I like orange traffic cones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.composition,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Open letter to Gene Steinberg X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 02:34:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Reality Chuck" (crothman@my-deja.com) wrote: > > [addressing a brick wall who is the author of "Attack Of The Rockoids":] > > If you want to live in your own little fantasyland, where your crapola > novel is the greatest thing since MOBY DICK, go ahead. But when you > get so desparate that you have to continue to make up blatant lies > (they mythical pro editor whose name you can't seem to recall, the > fictitious lurkers who are supporting you, the fantasized good reviews > that you can't seem to be able to find), only a total rockhead would > bother to continue. Hey, if Gene Steinberg gets to pretend his book's better than _Moby Dick_, can I at least pretend my novel's better than _Attack Of The Rockoids_? The best part is that nobody will be able to disagree with me because I haven't even written my novel yet! TAKE THAT, HERMAN MELVILLE! Now there are TWO reasons that Herman Melville isn't getting as many chicks as I am! My IMAGINARY book is better than his REAL book and LOOK WHERE HIS BOOK GOT HIM, HE'S DEAD!!! > I mean, you've already established your own stupidity. No question. > We all know now that Gene Steinberg is one of dumbest human beings ever > to be put on Earth (or any other planet). You've proven you are the > moron of the milleneum, so there's no need to keep trying to further > show people just how clueless you are. We will certainly be happy to > testify to it any time you want. But every time you add one of your > worthless little posts, you continue to prove you're about as bright as > a two-Watt tulip bulb. I just want to say that "bulb" is a funny word but not as funny as "chromosomal bleb". Of course, we couldn't work chromosomal blebs into this conversation because I'm not sure the fellow you're talking about merits having a whole chromosome, let alone a blebby one. Of course, blebs also occur outside chromosomes -- such as in "Blue Rubber Bleb Nevus Syndrome" (I think John Lennon named that disease.) > If you spent as much time and effor writing a novel that you do trying > to argue that black is really yellow, you actually might have a slim > chance of turning out something worth reading. It's been entertaining > laughing at you, but the joke is getting stale. BLACK IS REALLY YELLOW IF IT'S A BRIGHT SHADE OF BLACK! AND YOU PAINT YOUR EYEBALLS YELLOW! > -- > Chuck Rothman > http://www.sff.net/people/rothman > Copyright 1999 by Chuck Rothman. Permission to > quote granted; all other rights reserved. ALL other rights? WAAH! NOW I CAN'T GO TO THE BATHROOM! Mr. Rothman, please revise your .signature to allow me to quote you and go to the bathroom. (You can add "but not at the same time.") -- K. Permission to quote anything I said is granted provided your give me some of those rare Cherry Pez from Canada. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Year's Hay Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 02:42:28 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Since we magnetized all the scissors at Blockbuster, if you put them up to > the screen, the words distort and twist around the contact point. So, I take it you haven't watched any of the Nam June Paik tapes your Blockbuster undoubtedly stocks, eh? Also, it was MEAN of you to magnetize those scissors because now when you use them to cut up a videotape, it'll be RUINED by the MAGNETISM! Short shameful confession: Recently I was taking apart one of my computers when I realized that my little Philips #0 screwdriver was magnetized. So I had a lot of fun heating it until it glowed (using the awesome power of kitchen gas) and then pounding it on the metal sink rim while it was strictly upright relative to where I imagined the Earth's poles to be and how they worked. Oh, wait, I already told you people about that two months ago. Please go back to October 18, 1999 and find that article so that you can make a note in its margin to not read it, if you haven't already done so, because I never like to repeat myself. -- K. "I never like to repeat myself." -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.pets.dogs.behavior,rec.pets.dogs.breeds,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hare-Brain Storming Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 02:51:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In rec.pets.dogs.behavior, rec.pets.dogs.breeds, and alt.religion.kibology, Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Qarning: I'm cross-posting this between my three main newsgroups, > because I think I need help from ALL my net-friends. Hey, you spelled "Oarning" funny. Stop sticking your oars in my qatmeal! > So why have I asked you all here today? Well, it's like this: > > I need help in thinking up an "official" name for Harlan. I'm thinking > about registering Harlan with someone like AMBOR, so I thought it would > be cool to think up a really spiffy name. Don't forget to register him at the Crate & Barrel Bridal Registry too, providing that they're not still out of commission due to that satellite breaking a year and a half ago. > Here is what I've thought of so far: > > Tween Me St00pid > Moon Base Alpha Baloney Avenger > I Have No Mouth And I Must Bark > The Colonel's Secret Herb > Stone Cold Way Cuter Than Tikko > Kibo's Patented Bee In A Balloon > > As you can see, I really could use some help with this. Why? They're all perfectly good. In fact, you should use all of them: Tween The Colonel's Secret Bee In A Baloney Base Balloon With No Mouth And Kibo Then to make it CLASSY, add "The Second Super-Deluxe Junior XKE" to the end. Then find one of those guys you can pay to engrave your name on a grain of rice and let ex-Harlan try to buy one just to make the guy cry. -- K. That reminds me, I need to patent Bee In A Balloon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Better than Burlax Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 04:09:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > There are a bunch of workmen around renovating the various offices near > here, here being the place where I work, an office that used to be a cube > farm, but is now open space. Into the space that will be my new office, > they have cut a door through half a foot of concrete (that was a nice > sound to work next to) and installed the doorframe. They sealed the > sides of the door gap with some sort of hard foam sealant, and then > filled the gap with a drywall mud. > > So then to close off and fill in the top, they used a joint compound. > Thing is, the joint compound comes in a square box (with plastic bag > within) labelled "Beadex Lite Topping." > > And somewhere indistinctly below that it says "Joint Compound" in a > less prominent font. > > The fonts by themselves are strange. > "Beadex" in big white-on-blue letters, with tiny (R)-mark. > "Lite" <--italics > "Topping" <-- bold > "Joint Compound" <- smaller, different font, italics. > > But back to "Lite Topping," the stuff really has the exact look and > consistency of the the rich frosting you put on cinnamon rolls. Mmm. > Lite Topping. Fat Free, Sugar Free, 13 Liters (3.4 U.S. gallons), 5 bucks > a box. Yummy! > > Also, it has an image of Mt. Rainier and an hot-air balloon and says that > Beadex is "A Northwest Tradition." Hmm. Yeah, I remember the first time > I saw Beadex. A tradition handed down from the Duwamish tribe to Lewis > and Clark, to make it a part of a complete modern Seattle lifestyle. How > could I have forgotten the role of delicious Beadex Lite Topping > Joint Compound in OUR VERY CULTURE? I'd just like to say that I have photos of boxes that say TOILET SPUD WASHER from the culinary section of Home Depot. Think of the possibilities regarding swirling potatoes. It was near the Double Agent With Nuggets. -- K. Across the store from the Crack Filler. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.jaffo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Second draft of Nick's Y2K plan. Date: Sat, 18 Dec 1999 04:28:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Two words: TACO BELL. > > When it hits midnight, I'll be tasting a Gordita for the very first time. > > I'll buy two... one for me, and one to sell later. You know, after > the apocalypse. You have Taco Bells that are open at midnight on national holidays when there won't be any electricity? Wow. Maybe you better re-tool your plan to involve the kind of store that is always open. You know, a pornography store. -- K. I haven't yet heard anyone worrying that Y2K will interrupt their supply of skin mags, but I'm sure SOMEONE is scared. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Kibo's official yearly Christmas rant. Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 08:47:53 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Every year I complain about this, and every year the people who should do something about it don't! I am sick, sick, SICK of commercials that fit into this template: 1. Camera shows Santa shopping at a store. 2. Announcer tells us "Santa shops at OUR store!" This includes the "clever" variant: 1. Camera shows an offscreen person of indeterminate identity buying hundreds of things at a store. 2. Camera pulls back to reveal IT WAS SANTA!!! And the new version: 1. Camera shows Santa shopping at a store DOT COM!!!! 2. Announce tells us "Santa shops at our store DOT COM!!!!" So, anyway, if you folks who own stores would kindly never make any of these commercials ever again, I will promise to stop making commercials where I show Hitler shopping at YOUR store! -- K. And don't forget, at Denny's, Hitler eats free! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I did a duh today. Date: Sun, 19 Dec 1999 08:55:35 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I did something stupid today. I took Boston's Blue Line to the airport and went to Ronald Reagan National Airport and took the other Blue Line to downtown D.C., and then later I came back, but I didn't think of transferring to the Red Line and riding it all the way to the end and back just so I could tell you folks, "Ha! Today I rode the subway in THREE states as well as the District Of Columbia!" All I did was ride the subway in Virginia and Massachusetts and D.C., but NOT Maryland. So I apologize for screwing that up. -- K. Also, they're allowed to call it "Ronald Reagan" because they can't put you on stamps and airports until ten years after you're dead, unless you were the President, in which case they can name stuff after you the moment you die. P.S. The Postal Service's national museum's latest exhibit is named "Mayhem By Mail". I am not making this up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: why two kay typo of the week Date: Mon, 20 Dec 1999 06:26:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Boston doesn't normally have overnight subway service (the bars close at 2 A.M., so the subway has to shut down at 1 A.M. to make the taxi drivers happy) so on Y2K Day they're going to run overnight service, which they only do once every thousand years. To inform us of this fact, they've published little green schedule leaflets which say, in really sickening typefaces, N W Y A S E E 2 0 E E R' v 0 0 Why is the "V" significantly smaller than the other letters? Because... if you look close... it still has a little bit of a tail left from when it was a "Y". That's right, they wished us a happy New Year's Eye until someone with an X-Acto knife fixed the typo. -- K. HAPPY NEW YEAR'S ELBOW!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR'S BUTT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Wunder-kibological-weihnachts-robots Date: Mon, 20 Dec 1999 07:09:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > Luxembourg has gone Krismas-Krazy this year and as part of > the festivities Auchan have exceeded themselves in their > choice of terrifiying festive animatronic displays. > > I mean their foyer is usually pretty scary - last year's > giant robotic Santa was bad, and so were the animatronic > bears at easter. I can't wait to find out what will happen when Archimedes Plutonium visits Luxembourg and is confronted by a line of dancing robotic bears. > The 2-metre (12 foot 6) sad clown they have this year > instead of a Santa is pure nightmare material... but it's > nothing compared to the display of robotic blond toddlers in > front of the supermarket. These are all blond girls in angel > costumes who perform some pseudo-festive action (playing the > violin, wiggling their wings, whatever) repetitively, > silently, obsessively all day. Apart from the broken one who > just shivers. At least I hope she's broken because robotic > toddlers are scary enough, it would take a truly sick mind > to program one to stand there shaking. Yes, especially since it would be cheaper to just hire a real toddler to stand there shaking. By the way, Andrew, over there in Luxembourg, your metres must only be about half as long as our metres. A twelve-foot, six-inch tall clown would be more than twice as scary as a six-foot, six-inch tall clown. (This is because when you double the height of a clown, you square his scariness. It's The Law Of Scary Squares.) Yesterday I was in Washington, D.C., wandering around on Bill Clinton's lawn looking at our national Christmas decorations. (A fence kept me about a kilometer away from the front of the White House, but I stuck my camera between the bars and with my telephoto lens I was able to take a highly magnified picture of these little people walking around on the roof of the White House. When I got home and looked at the picture, it was clear that the roof of the White House had two Men In Black on it who were pointing a large telephoto lens at me while they were trying to figure out why I was pointing a large telephoto lens at them.) Anyway, I walked over to the national Christmas tree near the White House. It's really big, and it has a bunch of fences around it to make it harder for you to look at it. Also, there is a big pile of logs near the tree to remind it what will happen to it next month. Just south of it, outside the fences where I could actually walk over to it, was the national Hannukah menorah, which was about fifteen feet (five metres) tall. The candle flames were all big yellow light bulbs, except for the one that was burned out. Slightly further down the hill was the national Islamic display, but I couldn't get a good look at it because they were still unloading it from the back of a pickup truck. So, the pecking order goes like this: Christian symbol: 30 feet tall Jewish symbol: 15 feet tall Islamic symbol: still under construction, but fits in a truck There weren't any symbols of Kwanzaa. I couldn't find a Zen symbol, but maybe it was just invisible. After I looked at the Christmas decorations (and the decorations for all those other holidays that happen to exactly coincide with Christmas) I walked around Washington looking for orange traffic cones and canned chili. Because those are the most important things to see whenever you're in another city. (The Museums in Washington can't be any good because they're all FREE! Also, they're all the same museum: "Oh, it's just ANOTHER Smithsonian Institution!") I took photos of an orange cone in front of the White House ("Caution: May contain Bill Clinton!") and in front of the Washington Monument ("Caution: Monument is sharp!") and in front of the Capitol ("Caution: Cafeteria is famous for its overpriced bean soup!") and in front of the Postal Service ("Caution: May be armed!") and in front of Union Station ("Caution: Flying saucers may crash through window!") However, I was disappointed because I couldn't find any orange cones in front of the Internal Revenue Service (the tax people), except for a guy who was drumming on some empty plastic buckets that were nailed to some orange cones. At the airport they didn't have the X-ray screen facing me, so I didn't get to see what the X-ray pictures of my canned chili looked like as I took my groceries on the airplane. -- K. It's fun to do your grocery shopping in another state. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Wunder-kibological-weihnachts-robots Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 07:15:58 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > By the way, Andrew, over there in Luxembourg, your metres must > > > only be about half as long as our metres. A twelve-foot, six-inch > > > tall clown would be more than twice as scary as a six-foot, six-inch > > > tall clown. (This is because when you double the height of a clown, > > > you square his scariness. It's The Law Of Scary Squares.) > > > > ....The things I _learn_ in this newsgroup! Why don't they teach that in > > -grad- school where I might have got some grant money out of it? > > This discrepency between the size of Luxembourg metres and the size of > REAL ones also explains why the Luxembourg probe to Mars was lost. That's easy to prove, because everyone knows that no probe has ever successfully gone from Luxembourg to Mars. (Besides, I'm not sure they would have enough room to stand back from the rocket as it takes off.) Someday I hope there's a war between Luxembourg, Monaco, Rhode Island, and The Vatican. Unfortunately, I think Rhode Island would win because their enemies would be confused because RHODE ISLAND ISN'T AN ISLAND!!! And, David, they also don't teach about the silent "e" in grade school, just so that we can put "grad school" on our resumes at age 8. -- K. I made my first million before I was eight. Or was it vice versa? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The evils of the Moon. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 20 Dec 1999 10:11:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I was looking forward to the Space Shuttle's launch being cancelled due to bad weather this morning -- because NASA said that if it weren't launched today they couldn't launch it until January, because they don't want the Space Shuttle flying on Y2K Day -- and I really wanted to be able to say to Dean Lenort and Robert Lindsay and all the other NASA doubledome rocket-scientist brainiacs, "HA HA! YOU ROCKET SCIENTISTS ARE AFRAID OF Y2K! WHAT, THE SHUTTLE CAN'T BE IN ORBIT BECAUSE ONLY TWO OF NEWTON'S THREE LAWS ARE Y2K-COMPLIANT?" but they launched the darn Shuttle this morning so I'll have to find something else to needle the NASA rocket jockeys about. I bought my own magazines to amuse myself on the shuttle (that's lowercase shuttle and not NASA Shuttle) while flying to D.C. and back yesterday, because the tons and tons of free magazines they let shuttle passengers take are all either weirdly specific sports magazines ("Arctic Skin Diving In Clown Makeup") or magazines that only black people are allowed to read. So, I went to a newsstand and bought my own general-interest magazines: _Sys Admin_ and the December 28 _Weekly World News_. Now, I'm not one of those bozos who says, "Ha! I am buying _Weekly World News_ to laugh at all the OTHER bozos who buys it and they all believe everything in it but me!" I buy it specifically to laugh at the bozo who don't realize that EVERYONE who buys it does it solely for the intentionally humorous articles. I mean, "Dear Dotti" is to advice columns what Andy Kaufman was to wrestling. ("Dear Chuck: Sounds to me like you need to either drop her off at a Klan rally, or find out if parrot tastes like chicken!") This week's issue is especially important because it contains three articles relevant to the world we live in: 1. Pages 6 and 7: "BLACK HOLE WILL SWALLOW EARTH ON AUGUST 11, 2000!" according to top NASA bigwigs. 2. Page 36: "NASA RECEIVES RADIO SIGNALS FROM THE CENTER OF THE EARTH!" according to top NASA bigwigs. 3. Pages 38 and 39: "JANUARY 1, 2000: THE DAY THE EARTH WILL STAND STILL!" according to top NASA bigwigs. The NASA rocket scientists in #1 seem to be unaware that the Earth will already have been destroyed once by then. Article #1 is illustrated with a painting of a giant swirling drain thing in space about to swallow a NASA photo of the Earth. The photo shows a thick scary white "V" of clouds blotting out much of the Southern Hemisphere. Article #2 is illustrated with a cartoon of a little satellite pasted onto a NASA photo of the Earth, showing a scary thick white "V" of clouds blotting out much of the Eastern limb of the Earth. Article #3 is illustrated with just a NASA photo of the Earth. (Caption: "NASA PHOTO".) It shows a scary thick white "V" of clouds blotting out much of the Southern Hemisphere. There seems to be something odd going on in the atmosphere. Earth always has a big "V" on it. The "V" moves around -- but always to multiples of ninety degrees -- and I've seen dozens and dozens of photos of the full Earth showing The Vee Of Mystery. You see it every time you see a picture of the full Earth. So, you mega-brainy NASA science guys should send up some rockets to study The Super Vee and find out what it is and whether we can make it go away if we start putting hair spray in aerosol cans again! In fact, because you NASA bigdomed doublewigs seem to be asleep at the switch, I've taken the initiative and started the project for you: I've gone through NASA's archive and studied every single photo of a "full Earth" ever taken, from that one taken as Apollo 17 left Earth orbit to... um... well... hmm... I guess the others are all gibbous or crescent. SO, YOU ROCKET GENIUSES BETTER GET SOMEONE UP THERE TO TAKE ANOTHER PICTURE OF A FULL EARTH, PRONTO! THE ONLY ONE YOU EVER BOTHERED TAKING IS RUINED BY THIS BIG ANNOYING VEE BLOTCH OVER SOUTH AFRICA! AND SEEING THAT VEE OVER AND OVER RUINS THE REALISM OF THE WEEKLY WORLD NEWS! Couldn't you people at LEAST have airbrushed out that big V before releasing the photo to the legitimate journalists like _The Weekly World News_? It makes the photo look FAKE! If you don't have the budget to take more Earth photos, you could just travel back in time and blow up Apollo 17 so that magazines will have to go back to illustrating science articles with "An Artist's Conception Of The World We Live In" which will always be pretty yet goofy in a different way every time. I would like that. -- K. "Everything you type in cyberspace secretly stored in govt. data banks!" -- made-up article on page 52 Newton's Three Laws: 1. A robot must remain inactive in order to avoid harming a human. 2. Entropy always increases, even past infinity. 3. All planets move in perfect ellipses, unless there are other planets, in which case nobody knows where they'll be next week. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Undercover work in physics X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Mon, 20 Dec 1999 10:27:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: sci.physics.relativity,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics,alt.sci.joe-bay In sci.physics.relativity and alt.religion.kibology, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [addressing Simon Clark] > > Hitler was the one ranting and raving. He bit down > on his cyanide tablet and pulled his trigger at the same time > and I enjoyed every minute of it. Cool! How did you get out of the bunker before the Russians got in? > THAT'S what it got him amart aleck. That was atupid thing to type. > Don't call me Hitler or any other of your pet family names, I vote from now on we all refer to George Hammond as Nicholas Hammond and follow him around yelling, "HEY, YOUR 'SPIDER-MAN' SHOW SURE SUCKED, EVEN FOR A TV SHOW IN THE SEVENTIES!" > personally I wouldn't even work up a sweat kicking him to death. Uh, George, Hitler's already dead. -- K. Other good names for people to call George Hammond: Archimedes Hitler Alexander Albian Dan Sale ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: WebTV security leak caused by human stupidity Date: Mon, 20 Dec 1999 22:29:50 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp From _Windows NT Magazine_'s security news, at http://www.ntsecurity.net/forums/2cents/news.asp?IDF=195&TB=news which, ironically, shows as solid black in my Microsoft Internet Explorer: > > WINDOWS SECURITY NEWSÊ 12/20/99 > > Clerical Error Leads to Security Leak > > Monday, December 20, 1999 - Last week someone at Microsoft's WebTV > facilities made a mailing mistake -- Let me guess, he forgot to use all caps and append a ninety-five line .signature? > and that mistake almost cost Microsoft $1 million in research and > development. OH NO! THAT COULD HAVE BANKRUPT BILL GATES! IF THEY HAD DONE IT ANOTHER FORTY THOUSAND TIMES!!! > So what happened? A clerk intending to mail someone a normal $300 WebTV unit as opposed to the top-of-the-line $199 WebTV units you can buy in stores. Why are they worried about losing a million dollars if people are paying Microsoft a 50% surcharge to buy these things directly from them? > inadvertantly mailed out a brand new prototype unit instead worth at > least $1 million dollars. "I ASKED FOR A CRAPPY WEBTV, NOT SOMETHING BRAND NEW!!!" > Scott Posner, a Bank of New York employee, received the WebTV unit and > passed it along to his father, the end user. But before Scott's dad could > even open the package and install the unit, the New York Police Department > (NYPD) came banging on his door to collect the unit. "OPEN UP! IT'S THE POLICE! WE DEMAND TO SEE YOUR UNIT!" > The unit was supposed to be shipped to Redmond via UPS, but apparently a > clerical error at Microsoft's WebTV facility did not allow that to happen > as originally planned. UPS dropped the package off as addressed to > Posner's residence. Meanwhile, someone at Redmond opened a package and said, "Gee, we gave those engineers a million dollars to develop the new WinTV prototype and it's no better than an ordinary $300 WebTV. Bill Gates is gonna have my legs broken." > The question of the hour seems to be "why was the NYPD called in?" With > this slip-up being attributed to "clerical error," obviously there was no > crime committed. Apparently there wasn't even a suspicion that criminal > activity had taken place. Nope, nothing suspicious about Microsoft in any way. Also, FEMA is your friend. > How can Microsoft command the NYPD to do their footwork in recovering the > unit when no crime was involved? What, you think the NYPD prefers to be involved with actual dangerous crime stuff? Those cops have two things on their minds: doughnuts and WebTV. > Has the NYPD now been reduced to foot soldiers that serve to correct > simple clerical errors on behalf of corporate America? I'm sure it wasn't a SIMPLE clerical error -- this is Microsoft we're talking about. It probably took someone two hours of editing Registry keys to mail that package. > I hope someone explains all this because it is difficult to understand > how Microsoft could command that course of legal action without any just > cause whatsoever. What's so difficult to understand about the word "money"? It's easy to understand how Microsoft could push around underpaid police officers. It's just hard to understand why a company that's so rich does things that are as stupid as accidentally mailing secret prototypes to people who called 1-800-GO-WEBTV because they saw a TV commercial. I mean, why were these even in the same mailing room? "I ordered Ron Popeil's new Flowbee and instead they sent me a Trident missile!" > It was New York City after all -- there certaintly must have been some > *real* crime those policemen could have been addressing at that time. > So who is calling their shots anyway? Now, now, they didn't SHOOT the guy's father. They just ripped the unopened present out of his hand and yelled, "HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, GRAMPA!" and pushed his Christmas tree over as they left through the hole they'd blown in his wall. Hey, remember how we used to have a government other than Microsoft which ran these public-service TV commercials which said "If someone mails you something you didn't order, you can keep it!" to prevent mail-order scams? What happened to that law? Oh, wait, I forgot, those commercials were several years ago, and the Statute Of Limitations says no law lasts longer than seven years. -- K. The way no computer does. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.space.policy,sci.space.history,sci.space.shuttle,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: MIND CONTROL UTILIZING DIRECTED-ENERGY WEAPONS--NEW WEB SITES X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 05:43:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.space.policy, sci.space.history, and sci.space.shuttle, Carol Paliwoda (capaliwoda@netscape.net) wrote: > > MIND CONTROL UTILIZING DIRECTED-ENERGY WEAPONS--NEW WEB SITES (Meanwhile, I suppose she's posting about the Space Shuttle in alt.mindcontrol.) > Get the unvarnished truth about mind control involving > directed-energy weapons and usage in the Cleveland, Ohio, > area of the United States (and elsewhere)--so far > apparently censored by Internet search engines, so that I > have to do my own publicizing. Even the Internet seems to > involve a certain amount of censorship. Criminals who want > to control the social structure unhindered by any legal > restraints would rather relegate this report to an obscure > corner of the Internet. They have been operating avowedly > totally amoral for several decades now. Hardened criminals > flaunt their amorality mockingly in front of victims, knowing > police will not respond to complaints. YEAH! THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW AGAINST BEING ALL FLAUNTY AND STUFF!!! > They operate at close range with no serious police interference. Bring on the SILLY police interference! > The cost of secrecy is high in human suffering. "And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you go insane." I forget which Federal agency has that motto. I think it's FEMA. > The criminals being sought do nothing but manufacture radiation weapons > for the torture and destruction of humanity. As far as they are > concerned, these weapons are for them primarily brain damage, > torture, and extortion weapons Not to mention Terry Gilliam's dishwasher rack! HA! NOBODY ON THE INTERNET EXPECTS A MONTY PYTHON REFERENCE! I AM THE FIRST PERSON EVER TO REFER TO MONTY PYTHON! "NI!" <-- LOOK, I'M CLEVER! > for use in combat situations and wars of conquest--as instruments of > social control in disregard of any Bill of Rights. Positive applications > are lost. Did you look under the sofa cushions? > The objects of this "combat" are currently innocent, > unarmed American civilians in their homes, and preparations > could be underway to subject victims the world over to > further atrocities. > > > YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW !!!! > > What you don't know could literally kill you or leave you > vulnerable to total enslavement. That's only in the "Double Jeopardy" round. In the first round, Alex Trebek just insults you and refuses to share any of his potent potables with you. > I didn't know until I was struck that there was absolutely > no privacy in my supposedly private home. People who live in glass houses shouldn't dance around naked. > Thugs enter at will and spy on all citizens' activities with no > restraint, often out of pure voyeurism. Next you'll tell me they're reading all that stuff about you that you put on your Web page. > So-called nonlethal weapons are actually lethal when used > indefinitely without restraint and under certain conditions. Yeah, but even TOILET PAPER is lethal under those conditions. > Most victims harbor some amount of brain damage, deliberately > inflicted by literal cooking of their craniums with hazardous > radiation by thugs. This is a primary method relied upon to > seal in the secret, New! From the makers of Seal-A-Meal! It's Seal-A-Psycho! > ensuring the triumph of totalitarian control and organized crime. > > Criminals don't want you to know for one overriding reason. > They fear regulation. YEAH, THE FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION MIGHT SOMEDAY MAKE CRIME ILLEGAL!!! OR AT LEAST PUT A TARIFF ON IT!!! > With total ignorance of the population they need not fear detection, > limitation, or reprisal. They would not be as inhumanly vicious as > they are if safety were their primary concern. I agree, torturing people should only be legal if it's done safely. > It is a misguided belief that the purpose of national security is > served by suppression of information, which results in no legal or > practical regulation or preparedness for assault. Help stop them > and their Attila-the-Hun-type tactics of Control. That's right, he did conquer most of Asia by using his mind-control laser, didn't he? By the way, this is the Internet. You're supposed to compare everyone you don't like to Hitler, not Attila the Hun. Don't you know anything about Internet etiquette? YOU'RE MORE CLUELESS ABOUT THE INTERNET THAN HITLER WAS! > For more information see my web site at any of the following > web addresses (mirror sites): I tried looking at your mirror site but it just looked like me, only left and right were reversed. My tiny brain could not comprehend this mysterious reversal of normal spatial orientations and I went INSANE!!! No, wait, your mirror site isn't really a mirror, it's just a page of crazy text in big letters. But still, I looked at it, and now I'm INSANE!!! > http://www.geocities.com/capaliwoda/mc/index.htm > > http://www.crosswinds.net/~capaliwoda/mc/index.htm > which reroutes to (use either address) > http://matrix.crosswinds.net/~capaliwoda/mc/index.htm > Crosswinds has no ad banners or popups. > > http://www.angelfire.com/electronic/mindcontrol/index.htm > > http://members.xoom.com/capaliwoda/mindcontrol/index.htm They all say "Best at 800x600 resolution." at the top, but my computer is in 1024x768 resolution! Your pages were RUINED! > dealing with my particular instance of victimization and > whatever I have been able to find out. I have just started > these web sites, which are still in progress. They are > undergoing continual overhaul, but basic information is in > place. Your endless rants about NASA electronically raping you from outer space are neither basic nor information. I suggest you pick a new term. How about "Stupitainment"? > ------ > Posted via news://freenews.netfront.net > Complaints to news@netfront.net You know, I just realized I've never seen a "Complaints to:" address on an article that wouldn't merit complaining about. -- K. Compliments to: kibo@world.std.com ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Meet Conan the Bacterium Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 08:22:47 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.space.policy, Ron Baalke (baalke@kelvin.jpl.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Meet Conan the Bacterium > Marshall Space Flight Center Do I need a ticket? Can I get my photo taken with him? This is the REAL Conan The Bacterium and not just some guy with a rented costume and a giant foam-rubber head, right? > http://science.nasa.gov/newhome/headlines/ast14dec99_1.htm > > Humble microbe could become "The Accidental (Space) Tourist" > > Dec. 14, 1999: Like a muscle-bound movie hero, it withstands attacks from > acid baths, high and low temperatures, and even radiation doses. Eww. I don't care how high the budget is, I would never watch a movie where the plot is that Arnold Schwarzenegger takes any kind of bath, even if you assure me it's real acid. > Then, in a science fiction sequel, it dispenses lifesaving medications and lifesaver candy? Please please please? > reshapes a planet for new settlers. "Hooray! We now have more surface area on which to build, here on Cubicaland! I'm gonna build a McDonalds at each of the eight corners of the world!" > And in true Hollywood fashion, the star of this epic had humble beginnings, > living in cow patties and elephant dung, Oh, like Rudy Giuliani. > and coming to the attention of scientists when it refused to die Oh, like Rudy Giuliani. > in food sterilization tests. > > You need a microscope to see this miniature future hero listed as > Deinococcus radiodurans radiodurians? Oh no! They've discovered a way to send rancid fruit into your home by wireless transmission! > and known to its fans as Conan the Bacterium. But they can only see it at 12:35 A.M. (Eastern time.) > "Deinococcus radiodurans beats most of the constraints for survival of life > on Mars - radiation, cold, vacuum, dormancy, oxidative damage, and other > factors," said Dr. Robert Richmond, a research biologist at NASA's Marshall > Space Flight Center. With other scientists, he is investigating the possible > utility of extremophiles to serve human exploration to inhospitable > locations. Remind me to get by business cards redone now that I've learned the term "extremophile". > Humble origins > > Richmond and his colleagues see D. radiodurans as playing the part of > possible Martian microbes in simulations to help direct the search for life > on Mars. Next, it could be genetically altered to produce medicines for > astronauts in the short-term, rather than hauling an entire pharmacy along > on the trip, "Do we want to bring along some medicines or this escape pod?" "Oh, bring the medicines. We don't want the mission to be ruined because one of the astronauts has a cold." "Okay, I'll pack that cure for the common cold that we've been suppressing from the American public." > and restructuring Mars for human habitation in the long-term. > > With R. Sridhar of Howard University Medical Center in Washington, D.C. and > Dr. Michael J. Daly of the Uniformed Services University of the Health > Services in Bethesda, Md., Richmond presented a paper at the 1999 SPIE > Conference in Denver on the "Physico-Chemical Survival Pattern for the > Radiophile D. radiodurans: A Polyextremophile Model for Life on Mars." Darn, now I gotta get my business cards redesigned AGAIN. Please tell me the scale doesn't go past "polyextremophile" because it would cost me even more money to change them to something even cooler. > Daly and his co-workers, in a recent article in Science magazine, announced > that they had completed sequencing the genome of D. radiodurans. Hey, NASA's just getting its research by copying _Science_ magazine! I demand that NASA's budget be reduced to the cost of a copy of _Science_! And why aren't they more patriotic? They should read _Scientific American_, which is like _Science_ only without all that science from other countries! > This opens the way for exploitation of its ability to integrate external > genes selected to express products useful to explorers on Mars or other > such places. You know, all those other Mars-like planets. Like Marzon and Marzona and Mars II and Shmars. > "Radiodurans' beginnings are thought to be from early Earth," Richmond said, as opposed to the theory that they evolved in the future. > and paralleled a time when the environment may have also approximated that > existing on Mars for a few hundred million years. Given the presumed sharing > of debris generated from meteorite impacts amongst the early planets, Remember, planets can catch diseases from the sharing of debris. If you share debris with a planet, you're also sharing debris with the entire solar system it's slept with! > origins of D. radiodurans might even be accidentally common between Mars and > Earth. "By nature, it is selected to survive radiation damage very well," D. > radiodurans can withstand without loss of viability a dosage that is 3,000 > times greater than what would kill a human. "The fact that you can > genetically engineer these things is the key to the utility of this bug." I see. So even after the astronauts have been fried by a massive blast of radiation, the bacteria will still be making penicillin for them. > It's heady stuff for a primitive organism. > > But D. radiodurans has a feature that is considered all-important in > aerospace: redundancy. Its genetic code repeats itself many times so that > damage in one area can be recognized and quickly repaired. Coupled with its > range of other survival characteristics, D. radiodurans has been dubbed a > polyextremophile by Richmond, Sridhar, and Daly. alt.sex.fetish.polyextremophiles I see a great need. > Extremophiles have been known to scientists for decades but often were > regarded a laboratory oddity. The discovery of what appears to be > nanobacteria (or nanobes, smaller than microbes) in a rerun of "Mork & Mindy" > meteorite from Mars (Alan Hills 84001, or ALH84001) catapulted extremophiles > into the spotlight as a model for possible lifeforms on Mars. And don't forget those ten-mile-wide bacteria shaped like triangular faces that sit there on Mars. > The debate over whether the ALH84001 forms ever were nanobes (or just > non-living imitations) ...one of those clever rocks that TRIES REALLY HARD TO TRICK YOU! It's the rock that outsmarts NASA scientists! > led to recent discoveries of probable nanobes living in such odd places > as human kidney stones Up The Urinary Tract By Rocket: NASA to send probe to human kidney stone > and in limestone 4 kilometers under the surface of the Earth. > > "We have a new door opening on the possibilities of lifeforms," Richmond > said, "not just new species but whole new life forms that could connect to > the origins of life on Earth and could be a common link to the possible > beginnings of life on Mars." > > Most extremophiles have optimized themselves for one or two extreme > conditions and settled into wonderful ecological niches like the hot springs > of Yosemite. Radiodurans has been dubbed a polyextremophile because it can > endure many extremes, including the most dangerous space hazard, radiation. You know, I have a hunch radiodurians is called a polyextremophile. > "Radiation-induced DNA damage is an oxidizing type of damage," Richmond > said. It happens when radiation energizes an atom enough to break a chemical > bond and then act like an atom of oxygen and bind with another atom. Such > free radicals FREE THE CHICAGO SEVEN! > have been implicated in a range of cancers and genetic mutations. > > D. radiodurans, though, is hypothesized by Daly to resist such damage by > virtue of repair specialized to utilize its redundant strands of DNA. This > also means that it should resist damage from the chemistry of Mars, which > chemical experiments done by the labs aboard the two Viking landers indicate > may be highly oxidative. > > D. radiodurans was discovered in the 1950s. Scientists experimenting with > radiation to kill bacteria and preserve food for long periods found that > something kept growing back after treatment. They named it "Spam". > It remained a laboratory oddity for several years until the arrival of > genetic engineering, the science of altering an organism's basic biological > code, sometimes by splicing into it portions of another organism's code. > Daly's group is inserting specialized genes to help in eliminating dangerous > chemicals from waste sites. An established example of the value of such > genetic engineering is found with E. coli, the bacteria found in the human > gut, that has been engineered to produce large quantities of human insulin, > which once had to be refined from human cadavers. Whereas now it comes from bacteria extracted from the poop of LIVING people. That's much less gross. > "Daly has been active in developing D. radiodurans as a special model for > bioremediation to clean radioactive supersites left over from the Cold War," > Richmond explained. Some of those sites contain radioactive materials that > are not easily removed by other microbes. While some other bacteria are > being genetically engineered to thrive in toxic conditions while converting > hazardous waste into reusable effluent, I'm tired of disposable effluent! I want effluent I can use day after day! > none can resist radiation the way D. radiodurans can. > > Already, Daly and his colleagues have devised D. radiodurans variants that > can clean up mercury, a deadly heavy metal, and toluene, a dangerous > solvent. This work was sponsored by the U.S. Department of Energy. > > The capability to insert genes also makes D. radiodurans a candidate for > Mars pharmacists and to become "the plow that broke the plains" on Mars. LET US BEAT OUR SWORDS INTO BACTERIA!!! > But first, it may help search for life on Mars as a stand-in for Martian > microbes in simulated Mars environments. > > The changing face of Mars > > Mars has gone through radical changes in our perception as a haven for life. > After Sir Percival Lowell and a number of science fiction stories > popularized Mars as a dying planet, U.S. space probes in the 1960s and 1970s > rewrote the book to show Mars as long dead, perhaps never alive. > > Then came the discoveries hidden inside ALH84001. Soon thereafter, images > and data from the Mars Global Surveyor, Mars Pathfinder, and Sojourner Rover > spacecraft showed Mars indeed has significant quantities of water, and once > had running water. And it used to get free cable TV before they turned that off too. > While Mars has become more tantalizing, it is far from Eden. So the question > is, if life was there, or is there, what are the best places to find it? > Spacecraft surveying the planet to determine where water might survive > beneath the surface, or where it once may have existed, are addressing this. > > Even within those regions, you have to figure out which spots are best since > a lander will have limited time and resources compared to the open wilds of > Mars. One approach is to culture D. radiodurans in Mars simulations on > Earth. > > "We are restricted in the search for life right now to Earth-based > microbes," Richmond explained. "We have to ask, What are the restraints on > life that those microbes will have to surmount in order to plausibly exist > on other planets?" > > Extremophile habitats on Earth cover a range of conditions: temperatures > near boiling or below freezing; a nearly total lack of water, or water that > ranges from alkaline to acidic or salty; non-carbon foods; and a lack of > oxygen. One of the tricks that less durable lifeforms use to survive such > tough times is to hibernate as spores. Such was the case with Streptococcus > mitus discovered inside a TV camera recovered by the Apollo 12 crew from the > Surveyor 3 spacecraft on the Moon. To everyone's amazement, the bacteria > were viable and quickly revived in a culture on Earth. But that was after > just a three-year stay. Also it was after Dave Foley handled it after he got sent to the Moon when he was kicked out of "Kids In The Hall" for refusing to wear a dress under his spacesuit. (Even telling him that Buzz Aldrin wore a Masonic diaper under his spacesuit didn't convince him.) So they sent Dave Foley up there and he manhandled the Surveyor camera and then he pointed his TV camera into the sun, permanently blinding thousands of television viewers, and then he lost the timer for his still camera so he couldn't get a picture of himself standing on the Moon to prove he'd been there, and then on the trip back he opened Apollo 12's broom closet and hundreds of cameras fell on his head. I know this is true because every TV show Tom Hanks has ever done has been a true story, including "Bosom Buddies", which was cancelled when Dave Foley wouldn't wear a dress. > "The restraints become temporal, too," Richmond explained. "Dormancy has to > carry on for thousands or millions of years" if a life form is to last until > conditions on Mars become hospitable for growth, somewhat like the floral > seeds waiting in the desert for the rare fall of rain. > > And that's where radiation resistance comes in handy. While radiation issues > are usually associated with nuclear power or exposure to the space > environment, it is not commonly recognized as being inescapable. Radiation is not inescapable! Just build your house inside a black hole! I guarantee you nothing will get in, whether radiation or tax assessors! > We are exposed through our entire lives to potassium-40, radon, carbon-14 > and other radioactive sources. Living in the mountains or flying also > increases exposure slightly. Also, thinking about what causes cancer causes cancer. > Surviving a long winter's nap > > But the total dosage from these is small during our lifespans, so the impact > normally is insignificant. However, for an organism in hibernation for a > million years or so, the cumulative exposure can be like sitting inside a > reactor for several minutes. While singing "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! This furnace is cool!" YAY! I JUST MADE A CALLBACK TO THAT GRADE-SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF "JOSEPH AND THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT" I ONCE SAW! I'M MORE OBSCURE THAN D. RADIODURANS! > That's why crawling under a rock to escape solar ultraviolet light on Mars > is not a perfect strategy. The rock itself emits trace quantities of > radiation over time. Also eventually all the protons in our bodies will decay so it's not worth bothering to go to work in the morning. > "Within responsible imagination, no long-dormant lifeform can be expected on > the surface of Mars due to combined build up of damage over time caused by > both incoming space radiation plus the background radiation," Richmond said. > The best hope is that life got started some billions of years ago when > conditions were more hospitable, and that a few microbes adapted to extreme > conditions or learned how to hibernate below the surface. > > "But if they wake up too late, they run into the ultimate restriction, too > much radiation damage that has accumulated if it's not repaired," Richmond > said. "At that point, the population is dead." But they're just BACTERIA! A single housewife armed with a can of Lysol can kill trillions of them in a single afternoon and I don't hear NASA worrying about housewives! > So even if something like D. radiodurans evolved on early Mars, it's > possible that winter has lasted too long for any survivors to reawaken in > the artificial spring of a petri dish. > > Even so, D. radiodurans may yet travel to Mars as a Pharmacist's Mate First > Class. That was the second-lowest rank in "Star Raiders" on my Atari 800. > "Because of genetic engineering, you might do a lot with this bug to enhance > the survivability of man in extraterrestrial environments," Richmond said. > Altering the human genome to take on survival characteristics like D. > radiodurans is far too complex a task (the human genome hasn't been > completely sequenced, nor all of its 100,000+ genes decoded). But D. > radiodurans could be altered to serve man. "'TO SERVE MAN'... IT'S A BACTERIUM!!!" (MUSIC STING) > "The interesting things about drugs we use is that about two-thirds are > natural products or derived from natural products," Richmond said. "Anything > that is a natural product ultimately comes down to a gene and can be > genetically managed, in theory." > > Living off the land - after you reshape it > > Richmond, Sridhar, and Daly suggest that D. radiodurans can be genetically > manipulated to produce various drugs that humans might need while exploring > Mars, then put on ice during the mission. If someone became ill, treatment > would start with drugs in from a small supply kept on hand, while the > appropriate bugs were awakened to produce a regular supply. (This need was > presaged this summer by the need to airdrop tamoxifen, a breast cancer > chemotherapy agent, at the South Pole for a medical doctor who had diagnosed > herself with breast cancer.) Ah, yes, they should have had one of those bacteria that produces the cure for cancer. > With such an approach, the issues of shelf life for drugs could also be > circumvented. Well, okay, the bacteria would be making fresh drugs. But I say that if the astronauts can get along just fine with powdered eggs, they can make do with slightly stale drugs. I don't hear anyone proposing they take along a chicken coop just so they can have eggs that haven't expired. > This would also reduce the weight that > a spaceship would have to haul to Mars and back. Yes. You'd just have to carry along a genetic engineering laboratory and samples of every drug you might want to teach the microbes to make, instead of carrying along some of every drug you might want... hey, wait a minute. > Radiodurans next might be drafted as a Seabee (Navy Construction Battalion, > or C.B.) as humans set up camps and even homesteads on Mars. Other > engineered versions of D. radiodurans could recycle wastes - producing clean > water and oxygen - and perhaps even food supplements. "Its own food stock > might even be Mars," Richmond suggested, giving new meaning to "living off > the land." Again, the bug's genetic design might help ensure a renewable > grocery store for explorers. Unlike the Calumet down the block from me, which renews their frozen food only after ALL of it has been sold, every five years. I can't remember the last time they had anything with chicken in it. > The ultimate step would be the popular notion of terraforming, reshaping the > environment of Mars to make it more hospitable to humans. Terraforming was > first performed by ancient lifeforms that pressed little cartoon characters printed on vinyl onto waxed cardboard backgrounds... no, wait, that's chloroforming. My mistake. > converted Earth's environment from a carbon dioxide atmosphere and > calcium-rich seas MMM... MILKY OCEANS! > to the more hospitable world we have today. Because these early lifeforms > spoiled their home, they now survive in what we consider to be extreme > environments. > > Mars, too, is considered to be an extreme environment. But with a little > help from D. radiodurans, it may be made more accessible and, eventually, > attractive. After all, a Seabee's motto is, "The difficult we do now. The > impossible takes a little longer." I can just imagine life on Mars. Adam-5: Pardon me, could you direct me to the teleporter station? Eve-27: Certainly. Go past that big pile of bacteria, turn right at the lake of smelly bacteria, and climb over that mountain of squishy yellow bacteria. It's in the lobby of that big skyscraper, the one made of solid bacteria. Adam-5: Thank you! May the force be with you! Eve-27: Nano-nano! Adam-12: You're both under arrest. Adam-5: Shazbot! Eve-27: Oh, frack! -- K. I wanted to work "Space: 1999" into that somehow, but I couldn't think of a way to relate it to NASA.