Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Man Of The Millennium Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 06:49:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Waah!" cried Hitler as he saw that _Time_ magazine hadn't named him Man Of The Millennium. He hadn't been saluted by _Time_ since 1938! He made a mental note to cancel his subscription as he threw away his copy of 1999's final issue, the one with Albert Einstein on the cover. Meanwhile, far away... Albert Einstein was watching "E!" which was showing a two-hour profile of the life story of Erik Estrada. Just then, an announcer broke in: "We interrupt this program to bring you this important news: Albert Einstein is _Time_'s Man Of The Millennium!" "Waah!" cried Einstein, "I'm missing Erik Estrada!" Meanwhile, not so far away... Spot checked his little mailbox (nailed to the side of his doghouse in Einstein's front yard) to see if his copy of _Time For Dogs_ had arrived. And indeed, it had! "Yay!" yapped Spot as he fumbled to find the front cover in his excitement to see if he had made Dog Of The Millennium. Spot hadn't had that honor since... well... never! Eventually, Spot untangled his copy of _Time For Dogs_ and the Dog Of The Millennium was... on the cover was... was... Albert Einstein! "Waah!" cried Spot, "Albert Einstein is a better dog than me!" Meanwhile, in a distant and insignificant place, Erik Estrada cried because he was now so unimportant that he wasn't even allowed to subscribe to _Time_, let alone be Man Of The Millennium. IT WAS THE WORST MILLENNIUM EVER! THE END. -- K. Sometimes you just have to write a story even if you can't think of a plot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Christmas in Iran Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 07:48:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Found on the Web: > CHRISTMAS IN IRAN > > Christmas in Iran is "Little Feast" and begins with a fast on December > 1st. Iranians eat no meat, eggs, milk, or cheese on this day. No cheese? YAY! I AM CELEBRATING IRANIAN CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY! But I'll still move to Irania if it means I can eat even LESS cheese on December 25th. > It is a time for peace and prayer. On December 25th, Little Feast begins > after church. A favorite dish called harasa is eaten. It is a chicken stew. Sounds good. Especially the part about it NOT HAVING CHEESE IN IT! > People in Iran do not give gifts on Christmas. I wonder why our government used to tell us that Iran is evil. It sounds like I'd be very happy living there. "No Christmas gift for you, Potsie! I'm Iranian now! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to the bank and watch my money not being withdrawn!" > But children always get new clothes and wear them proudly at Christmas time. I don't plan to have any kids so I see no impediments to me moving to Iran. Wait! Wait! I found another Web page that was right next to that one! > CHRISTMAS IN IRAQ > > Christians in Iraq celebrate Christmas in a special way. On Christmas Eve, > the family gathers together and one of the children reads about the birth > of Jesus while other family members hold lighted candles. And if you don't have children, you are not allowed to celebrate Christmas in Iraq! > After the reading, a bonfire made of thorn bushes is lit in the yard. That's from the part of the Bible where the talking cross appeared before Jesus while he was nailed to a burning thorn bush. > If the thorns burn to ashes, it means good luck. I think I'd rather go to Iran and have chicken stew instead of bush ash. So, that whole war thing just happened because George Bush was afraid they were going to burn him? > While the fire burns, everyone sings and when it dies, everyone jumps > over the ashes three times. Each person makes a wish. On Christmas Day, > another bonfire is lit. This one is in the churchyard and the signals > the beginning of the service. The bishop comes in diagonally > carrying a figure of the Christ child on a red pillow. After the > service, the bishop blesses one person with a touch. Then that person > touches the person next to him or her. Everyone touches the next person in > turn. Finally everyone has the "touch of peace" on Christmas Day. THE IRAQI TOUCH OF PEACE IS NO MATCH FOR GEORGE BUSH'S STINGER MISSILE!!! Anyway, after having read those articles, all I can say is that Christmas in Iraq sounds really boring but Christmas in Iran sounds like it would be even more fun than Christmas in a Christian country. -- K. If I move to Iran, I'll have to stop using a .signature at the end of the article, and start using a .basmala at the top. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why do dogs bark according to QM? Mommie please help me... Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 08:05:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: sci.physics In sci.physics, Smart1234 (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > [...rant about the wrongness of quantum-mechanical theory...] > > BUT MY THEORIES ANSWER EVERYTHING, IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. Okay, then you should have no trouble here: What are eleven words that rhyme with 'orange'? Have you stopped beating your wife? If gravity moved in zigzags, how could we stop from getting dizzy? What's the opposite of Pez? Why couldn't Einstein figure out how to comb his hair? Why are Wendy's burgers square like White Castles but without the five holes? Why am I watching a "Happy Days" rerun? Aren't you going to stop beating your wife? > Why don't I get credit? Have you tried taking out a debit card? > Because I don't to this, or that or the other, according to their > distinguished modern "armchair" standards. That's right, because you didn't to this, you're a tope. -- K. Why don't I like cheese? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why do dogs bark according to QM? Mommie please help me... Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 09:41:13 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: sci.physics In sci.physics, "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > > > > > BUT MY THEORIES ANSWER EVERYTHING, IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE. > > > > > > [...] > > > > > > Why don't I get credit? > > > > Have you tried taking out a debit card? > > > > Answer to all of the above. > > C== ----------------- > | | > | | > ______________ > ( ) > ( ) > ( ) Helix Spiral Field > _________ > _________ > > Flush..... > > Any more questions??? Yes. Why does your ASCII picture of Garfield The Cat look so deformed? Why does your Commodore-64 logo have two equals signs and not one? Shouldn't you add a star for Perth? Have you stopped beating your wife? -- K. WOO! I JUST GOT ZINGED BY SOME GUY WHO PICKED HIS NAME TO SHOW HOW SMART HE IS! ...IT SHOWS THAT HE CAN COUNT UP TO 4! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: US Mind Control Crimes Against Humanity Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 08:20:57 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: sci.physics.electromag In sci.physics.electromag, someone anonymously posted: > > Mind control psychological torture is now being used against > many peaceful Americans in there own homes. A typical case > involves a) constant (24 hours a day for years on end) bombardment > of the victim with mind-controlling microwave synthetic telepathy > devices, coupled with b) constant verbal harassment by neighbors, > coworkers, fellow students, and passersby. My god, Carol Paliwoda has brainwashed another person with her anti-mind-control-laser mind-control-laser! > Such victims find it difficult to obtain gainful employment, Someday I'd like to find the other kind of employment. The one where I'd have to pay someone to work for him. And then there's painful employment. I might enjoy that too if Tia Carrere and a Ping-Pong paddle are involved. Or if the money's good. > if they are still capable of work, or engage in meaningful social > relationships, especially with members of the opposite sex, It's the mind-control laser that turns you all gay and stuff! A Nobel prize-worthy discovery: Your theory just proved that it's impossible for the government to harass gay people. Quick, tell the Army. > as all such attempts are deliberately sabotaged and foiled via government > operatives, shills, informants, etc. The reason seems clear: a long term > (terminal) study will allow government agencies (FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, etc.) You left out FEMA, the Trilateral Commission, the MBTA, and UNICEF. > to obtain data on how victims react to various mind-control > and psychological manipulation strategies, while at the same > time building up a vast network of civilians who, by cooperating > with this new cruel and cowardly system of totalitarian control, > are thereby vetted as trustworthy government loyalists, true-believers > in the necessity of cradle to grave mind-control and torture. How do YOU know they stop when you're dead? You sound like you have INSIDER INFORMATION! I bet YOU have a mind control laser in your closet! > [...] > > The more people who resist mind control and take it seriously, > the more likely it can be defeated. Mind-control victims > aren't just struggling for their own survival, they're really > fighting for the future of the human race and life as we know > (or knew if you're a victim of this evil outrage) it on this > planet. Since if the U.S. government wins this secret war > against the human mind, all people on Earth will be subject to > this cruel form of electronic slavery. Except for the ones who walked across the border into Canada. > [...] > > ** > I am not certain that a generic model of the human mind can be built. If so, your psychiatrist could save you a lot of money by substituting it for your mind. > If a model of a specific mind can be built, what would be the value of it? Yeah! Unless it's someone interesting, like Albert Einstein, Lou Costello, Queen Beatrix, Fonzie, or Charlie Brown! > I know what the idea is though; to preserve forever the thought > processes of the best psychopathic minds so that the Agency can consult > them down through the ages. It's called "DejaNews". -- K. I need to get a better joystick to control my mind-control laser. Does Microsoft make a good joystick that has both force feedback and force feeding? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.culture.indian,soc.culture.pakistan,soc.culture.usa,sci.med,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Girl who changed color . Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 08:27:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.culture.indian, soc.culture.pakistan, soc.culture.usa, and sci.med, "Mo" (100336.3631@compuserve.com) wrote: > > Jai you idiot . STOP PUTTING YOUR HEADERS IN CAPITALS > YOU BLIND SO AND SO .. > > DOCTORS are being warned about Sunny Delight syndrome. The popular > sweet fruit drink has turned a child yellow and could be affecting > many others, a paediatrician has found. Yes, but does it counteract BooBerry Syndrome? > The youngster, who had been drinking 1.5 litres every day, was brought > to him after her hands and face turned bright yellow and orange. > Analysis revealed that her condition was caused by beta carotene, an > additive which boosts the drink's orange colour and vitamin A content. It's a good thing that Sunny Delight is the only food or drink that contains either carotene or Vitamin A! > Dr Duncan Cameron, a pediatrician at Glan Clwyd hospital near Rhyl in > north Wales, said he had been amazed. "The child was aged about five. > We tested her blood levels for vitamin A, which is derived from beta > carotene, and they were very, very high." QUICK! GIVE HER AN INTRAVENOUS DRIP OF KOOL-AID TO ENSURE VITAMIN DEFICIENCY! -- K. I wish that back in the early '90s when they were making clear food, they had invented BooBerry Clear. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.simpsons From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I Smell A Banana-Flavored Lawsuit! Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 08:38:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Those of you who saw tonight's "Family Guy" cartoon special on Fox, the episode where the world blows up on Y2K, have undoubtedly noticed that they drew major inspiration from one of my Web pages: http://www.kibo.com/photos/nightmares_of_consumerism/ ...about halfway down, I show the Twinkies/Wonder Bread factory outlet store in Natick, Massachusetts, and there's a lovely photograph I took of Twinkie The Kid in the wooden flesh. The plot of tonight's "Family Guy" was that, after the world blew up, the only place to survive was the Twinkies factory outlet in Natick. As far as I know, I am the only person who has ever seen the Twinkies factory reject store. (Well, okay, Scott Ramming was there too, but he doesn't count because he was driving.) Therefore, I plan to bring a one-million-billion-trillion zillion dollar lawsuit against "Family Guy", and to blow up the Twinkies factory so that they can't make any more episodes like that, or those vile new "banana"-flavored Twinkies. (They were actually banana-flavored until World War II, when they switched to vanilla. Recently they decided to switch back when the amyl acetate fairy* whispered something in their ear about how artificial flavors had been invented some decades back.) * Not to be confused with the amyl nitrate fairy. Also, Leah Verre will be pleased to know that tonight's Simpsons rerun included a sign which said "Enjoy Fine Dining In Our Bee-Filled Atmosphere". I say we should cancel NASA's funding now so that they can't discover any planets that have bee-filled atmospheres. -- K. I was planning on adding to my photo gallery really soon, but if Fox is going to steal my ideas, maybe I better just shut it down for the good of humanity. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I Smell A Banana-Flavored Lawsuit! Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 09:44:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I was planning on adding to my photo gallery really soon, but if > > Fox is going to steal my ideas, maybe I better just shut it down > > for the good of humanity. > > Aah, screw humanity. I need more purty pictures! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AS OF TODAY THE INTERNET HAS AN OFFICIAL SLOGAN! -- K. and it might be the one above! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sports.gerstmann From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: How to get ready for the apocalypse, step 1 Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 08:51:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.religion.kibology and alt.sports.gerstmann, James Calhoun (lordjames@corrupt.co.uk) wrote: > > [...] WHU-WHOOSH! NEW DOUBLE-ACTING KONTEXT-AWAY (WITH NUGGETS) BLASTS AWAY TWICE AS LITTLE CONTEXT AS IT USED TO! > That's it, Jeff. I'm calling your mommy and having her take away your > Carmageddon CD-ROM. > > [...] > > I'll bet Kibo can do a better pirate impression than that. SWA-SWISH! DOUBLE-ACTING KONTEXT-AWAY RETURNS TO ITS TWO PROTECTIVE CONTAINERS THAT STORE ONE INSIDE THE OTHER! WHICH STORES INSIDE THE ONE! AT THE SAME TIME! DO NOT STICK FINGERS INTO MOEBIUS STRIP! As to whether I can do a better pirate impression than that, here's mine: HEY D00DZ I F0UND THAT IF U P0P 0P3N THE D0R 0F THE C0MM0D0R 154O DISK DRIVE WHEN FORMATTING A DISK U CAN F0RMATT IT HALFWAY 2 MAKE A BUTTL0AD 0F BAD S3CT0RS S0 THAT YOU CAN MAKE A P3RF3CT C0PY 0F AN 3L3CTR0NIC ARTS GAME UNLESS U'VE ALR3DDY M0DIFIED U"R DRIVE!!! BUT THIS DOESN'T S33M 2 W0RK 0N CARMAGEDDIN !!!1 WHICH SIDE 0F THE CD IS THE MAGN3TIC 1 ???// -- K. It's the guys who talk like that who DON'T have computers who are the scary ones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Total Recall! Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 08:59:13 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com God bless ClariNet for telling me that the Associated Press said: > > Subject: Supreme Beef Recalls Meat And the mean part is that they recalled all the beef sold by OTHER companies! > WASHINGTON (AP) -- Supreme Beef Processors, Inc. voluntarily > recalled Saturday thousands of pounds of ground beef with sell > dates of Dec. 28 or earlier because federal inspectors say it may > be contaminated with E. coli bacteria. Well I'm okay because I only have five pounds of it, not a thousand. > [...] > > Also included is Supreme Beef Processors, Inc. five- and > 10-pound chub ground beef -- an industry term denoting ground beef > packaged in a cylindrical or tube-like container -- I won't say it, I won't say it, I won't say it... > [...] > > The recall comes a few days after the company scuffled in court > with the federal government in Dallas after the Agriculture > Department tried to shut it down because it said it found > salmonella in the company's meat. But bacteria ARE a kind of meat! In a related horrifying story: > Subject: Mike Douglas Recalls Talk Show Years OH NO! NOW I HAVE TO MAIL BACK ALL THE VIDEOTAPES I MADE BETWEEN 1978 AND 1983! -- K. "a genial yet exacting host, sensing when to draw out a guest or cut off a verbose, boring visitor" is the Associated Press's description of: (a) Mike Douglas (b) Procrustes ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quote of the Day. Date: Mon, 27 Dec 1999 09:09:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com > You are stupid and evil about the > Earth's top and bottom, front and > back and it's 2 sides. -- from www.abovegod.com -- go there and click the picture of the globe to visit www.timecube.com, which has more pictures. Anyway, I think "You are stupid and evil about the Earth's top and bottom, front and back and it's 2 sides." is the best pick-up line I've heard yet. I'm going to try it out tonight and see if it's good for finding brainy chicks. -- K. I'm stupid about all TEN sides! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: How I know we're living in the World Of The Future. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 08:49:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com You know, if, seven years ago, someone had told me that it would not only be possible, but desirable, to download a 114-megabyte porno movie from the Internet, I would have called for the men with the butterfly nets because everyone knows computers can't do that. And now we're getting people pirating entire CDs by posting them on their Web sites as 650-megabyte files. I predict that in about three years we'll be discovering the joys of people E-mailing five-gigabyte DVDs to us. Without asking first. Just think, for every automatically-attached Netscape-generated ".VCF" business card you see, seven years ago it would have been a four-line .signature, and seven years from now it'll be a 3-D IMAX movie. I remember being very sad the day my 1000-line .signature stopped scaring people. And I think we've just reached the point where my third-generation one-megabyte 11x17" .PDF .signature is no big deal. I mean, it's not even as big as ELFBOWL.EXE! I feel the urge to run out and set up a terabyte disk array and fill it all up with one file just so I can E-mail it to everyone who E-mails me ELFBOWL.EXE. Although that still wouldn't be mean enough because it wouldn't spy on you the way ELFBOWL.EXE does when you run it. -- K. The phone company is warning that the phone system will start breaking on Y2K because everyone will pick up their phones simultaneously to make sure they still work. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: More important Y2K paranoia. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 08:55:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com CNN Headline News just warned me to watch out for important Y2K-related fraud: Some people are selling knockoffs of popular champagnes ("HEY, THIS CHAMPAGNE TASTES LIKE GINGER ALE WITH LITE BEER IN IT!" "That's the REAL champagne you're spitting out, you putz!") and we must be ever-vigilant about this because drinking a champagne that's not expensive enough could ruin the millennium for everyone! Especially the people selling $200 champagne! Secondly, they warned me not to buy pirated copies of computer programs for use around the office, because bootleg copies of programs could have the Y2K bug. Huh? (Apparently the good folks at Macrovision have come up with a clever new copy-protection scheme that clips off the first two digits of any year when you duplicate a file.) -- K. They use a similar system to copy-protect porno videos, except it doesn't take off two digits, it takes off two inches. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics,alt.online-service.webtv From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AP hauling Airstreams Re: USING GREAT QUOTES FROM MOVIES Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 09:20:13 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.edu and sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Re: USING GREAT QUOTES FROM MOVIES TO MAKE A NEW MOVIE Re: USING GREAT QUOTES FROM ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM TO MAKE PORNO MOVIES > Well, I am happy and relieved. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #1: "Archie Is Happy And Relieved" > With the help of my friend, Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #2: "Archie Is Happy And Relieved With The Help Of His Friend" > we were able to deliver a 32' Airstream to my SD property. Now I > have only the 19' Airstream to deliver. Both will be the offices > of the Plutonium Atom Foundation. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #3: "Archie Takes It In Both Offices" > I will incorporate in SD to set up a charitable trust that > donates money freely to Darmstadt Germany GSI, Berkeley > California, Dubna Russia of heavy element nucleosynthesis. > And some donations to my alma maters of UC and Utah State > and perhaps Univ South Dakota. > > I posted about a week ago before that I was really scared and > I had every right to be. The rig of the Uhaul plus Airstream > was 64' in all, longer than even most huge trucks on the road. > And about 30 miles north of Chattanooga the Airstream hitch > came off the ball Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #4: "Archie Comes Off The Ball" > and only the chains were holding the Airstream. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #5: "Only The Chains Were Holding Me" > Luckily it did not detach from the Uhaul for people could have > been killed. (Yes, it would hve been tragic if people who weren't you were killed.) > And the nicest, kindest truck driver saw us at the rest stop Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #6: "The Nicest, Kindest Truck Driver" > where we were trying to put the rig back together. And he called > ahead on his CB to MontEagle truck stop where we had our ball > torched off Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #7: "Archie Has His Ball Torched Off" (This is really too easy.) > and a new one, larger arc welded on. The truck driver escorted > us up to MontEagle and even spoke to the Uhaul representative > to get the authority to have the proper size ball. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #8: "Archimedes Plutonium, Ball-Size Authority" > Then a day later we had trouble with tail lights Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #9: "Archie had trouble with tail Lights! Cameras! Action!" > so that we could no longer drive at night. > > But the last day we were balanced out with all of these bad things, > for on Friday, we made it all the way from Booneville > Missouri to my home in SD two hours before nightfall, giving us > plenty of time to park the Airstream, unload and get down to > Sioux City Iowa to catch a Greyhound back to Florida. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #10: "Archimedes Catches A Greyhound" > When we have a string of bad events, it is balanced out by some > great smooth days where things seem to go correctly and smoothly. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #11: "Archie's Great Smooth Days" > And in Sioux City Iowa, Christmas eve a Chinese living in Vietnam > and now in Sioux City was so kind and nice as to drive us from the > Uhaul dealer to the Greyhound bus station. We meet > so many fine and nice and outstanding people in the world. And > also in Sioux City, we had to wait several hours for the bus > and so a nearby hospital and the security guard let us wait inside > the hospital before our 10:55 departure. The world is full of kind > and generous people. > > So far this has been the best Xmas I have ever had, because of > no Xmas blues. I have done this Xmas like a Puritan, Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #12: "Archie Does Xmas" Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #13: "Archie Does Xmas Like A Puritan" Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #14: "Archime Likes A Puritan" > where I have done a huge project. Hauling an Airstream across the > country, and now I will spend a great New Years because I am > hauling one more Airstream. (Wow! So now you'll deserve TWO Nobel prizes for your scientific research into driving around aimlessly!) > I am looking forward to settling down in SD. And I realize now > better why South Dakota will be the home of the Plutonium Atom > Foundation. It is the best state to incorporate in. It is a > state that is clean and living there is simple and unencumbered. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #15: "Archimedes Unencumbered" > It is the most Thoreau-like state of the USA. It has huge-blue- > sky country where the sun is glowing bright and warm; good for > a bright psychology of mind. Clouds and rain and trees can be > gloomy. > > I am glad that SD is my home state, and I really cannot think of > a better state in all of the USA to settle in. I perhaps would > like to be near Cornell or Duke or Iowa State, but in all things > there is a weighing of good and bad, and South Dakota has the > best of everything I desire. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #16: "The Best Of Everything Archie Desires" > Now I think I will get Web TV; Wait, wait, scratch the porno movies, that just cancelled out all possible eroticism. GEE, FOLKS, I WONDER IF ARCHIE WILL BE EASIER TO MAKE FUN OF ONCE HE GETS A WEBTV? > get a iMac; and an ISP of US West or QWest and get a personal account > for Internet posting. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #17: "Archie's Personal Account" Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #18: "Archie's Personal Account... For Internet Posing" -- K. He's experienced with all positions, especially dishwashing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TODAY on The WORLD, Vol. 5 #231, Monday, December 27, 1999 X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 11:26:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Over in wstd.general, in "Today On The World", today@europe.std.com wrote: > > Could you have passed 8th grade in 1895? > > While bitching and moaning has been elevated to an art form recently, > a few valid points have been raised amist the wasteland of whining. Hey! That's a mixed metaphor! > Examples of questions we should all know, but may not: > > * Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, > Penn, and Howe? Morse -- Played the scientist with the mechanical heart for the first season of "Space: 1999", and then mysteriously vanished between episodes. Whitney -- Made a fortune selling fog lights with smiley-face covers through a mail-order catalog. Fulton -- In the early 1800s, Boston was getting kind of crowded. So they founded a suburb in the west, "New-Towne", and renamed Boston "Full-Towne". Over the years, generations of bad spellers have caused the names to be shortened to "Newton" and "Fulton". Of course, people stopped calling Boston "Fulton" after some other guy used that name on his steam engine. Bell -- Has a highly-popular radio talk show where he tells only the truth nobody else is willing to admit they know about UFOs. Lincoln -- Inventor of the log. Penn -- Best known for being the one who doesn't not talk. Also, was married to Madonna. Ew. Howe -- Of the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe, he also dug a popular tourist hole-in-the-ground in upstate New York. -- K. I bet Lincoln didn't know who *I* am! That proves I'm smarter than Lincoln! Better skin, too! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y2K national security concerns prompt emergency Pre-Xmas story X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 11:31:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Before he stopped trying to test-drive a newsreader program that liked special \"quote\" \"marks\", "James \"Kibo\" Parry" (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > [quoting CNN Headline News from December 23rd] > > "Officials are asking Americans to be on alert for > possible terrorist threats, but don't see any reason to > call off New Year's celebrations at the Seattle Center." It worked! Today they managed to get Seattle to cancel the Y2K party by filling the airwaves with 24 hours a day of "THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC!!! WE DO NOT HAVE ANY INFORMATION THAT TERRORISTS ARE GOING TO BLOW UP SEATTLE!!! WE HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD ANY RUMORS ABOUT IT!!! NONE OF THE OTHER CHANNELS ARE REPORTING IT!!! THERE IS NOTHING WRONG!!! THERE IS NO NEED TO PANIC!!!" Yes, indeed, Seattle called off the Y2K celebration BECAUSE they didn't see any reason to call off the Y2K celebration. -- K. "The Special Show" is never going to run out of material. And I used to think that socio-political satire was HARD. Take that, Mark Russell! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Burger King recalls mysteriously lethal featureless balls X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 12:01:55 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, so I do think that toys should be designed in such a way to make it just about impossible for kids to hurt or kill themselves. Kids shouldn't be killed by toys if the toy makers can do anything about it. That being said, as Dan Aykroyd once deomstrated, sufficiently bozotic kids can hurt themselves with any sort of toy, including jamming Nerf balls down their throats while Candice Bergen watches. Today Burger King announced that it is recalling its latest crop (THAT VOWEL IS AN "O") of Pokemon toys because some kid died. The Pokemon dolls come in three-inch-wide hollow plastic balls which separate into two halves. You know, just like those eggs pantyhose come in only with some stupid sissy thing inside instead of pantyhose. Now, three inches wide is much too big to get into a kid's throat. And it's not covered with Krazy Glue. (But I think the BK Big Fish patty is.) And yet some kid managed to suffocate by "covering his mouth and nose" with half of a hollow plastic ball the size of an orange. I have been trying to figure out how this could have worked: 1.) The kid was holding it over his mouth and nose for about ten minutes and just happened to be missing the reflex that makes you pass out and go limp before you die. 2.) The kid duct-taped the thing to his face and then handcuffed both hands to the radiator. 3.) The kid's nose was so big that the plastic shell got stuck on it. 4.) The kid took an overdose of crack and got wobbly and hit his head on the sink and passed out lying face down on top of the ball half. 5.) The kid somehow figured out how to separate the ball into THREE halves and, with great strength, rammed them inside his nostrils and mouth. But try as I might, I can't imagine how this tragic death could be the fault of the toy itself and not either a freakish accident or a case of deliberate stupidity on the part of the kid. I don't see how this merits dire warnings about the dangers of hemispherical objects or the recall of a toy that has many other attributes that would be more important for the world to learn to dislike. (You know, like the fact that Burger King is giving kids plastic incarnations of toy commercials whose motto is "Gotta Catch 'Em All!" -- and there are 157 Pokemon to get. Meaning you have to eat at Burger King at least 157 times this month to get them all, assuming you could choose which one is inside the opaque sealed ball, so you would probably have to take your brat to Burger King about 600 times this month.) I can't sympathize with public outcry simply because IF YOU MAKE A MILLION OF ANYTHING, SOMEONE WILL HURT THEMSELVES IN THE VICINITY OF ONE, AND SOMETHING MUST BE DONE ABOUT THIS!!! Yes, even one kid hurting himself is tragic. No, there's not anything to be gained from taking their toys away unless we're talking about toys that actually catch fire or are wrapped in wads of razor wire. Take away the kid's plastic hemisphere and he'll have to go play with a rock. AND THEN THE KID WILL FALL AND DENT HIS FOREHEAD ON THE ROCK AND THEY'LL HAVE TO CLEANSE THE EARTH OF ROCKS! It brings to mind this summer's banning of all "dive sticks" ever made because somehow several of them spontaneously got up kids' asses after they fell on them butt-first after their pants accidentally fell down. (A repost of my dive stick rant is attached.) So, now you see why I get all my news from CNN Headline News. It's like The Three Stooges only funny because it's a lot stupider. A whole TV network devoted entirely to the lowest percentile of news stories sorted by IQ! I think they get their material by going through the dumpsters at the _USA Today_ offices. "Hey, this one says in the margin, 'Don't print this, it's too dumb for anyone to ever think about.'" "All right! Top story!" "Only 10% of all computer failures will occur during the first two weeks in January." -- what "experts say" according to CNN Headline News today. "In the future, the line between food and medicine could disappear! ... And hundreds of years from now, food could become obsolete!" -- ditto. -- K. So if they recalled dive sticks because kids were putting them up their asses, why not recall rectal thermometers? I mean, people have them put up their asses AGAINST THEIR WILL! And that's WRONG AND SICK! >>>>>>>>>>>>> dive stick repost <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mattel Stifles Tarzan's Hand Action Date: Fri, 25 Jun 1999 20:03:37 GMT The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > This was a green vinyl vest YOU could put on (under your torn child-size > > T-shirt) and then inflate so that you could bulk up in a flash, just by > > draping smelly green plastic pouches over your shoulders. The ads always > > showed the kid actually bending an ordinary garden hose, and then the > > other kid said, "HERE'S YOUR ICE CREAM, STEVE!" and the kid with the muscles > > crushed the ice cream cone and said, "RRRRR!!!!" > > I am not ashamed to admit that I, a gurl, wanted this bulking-up vest thing. ^^^^ Please stop making fun of AppleEvents. The correct term is "singular of CHYX". Anyway, Stacia, I can understand why you wanted an inflatable chest to make the boys lust after you. But why GREEN? > > MATT McIRVIN'S MOST TREASURED CHILDHOOD MEMORY TRACE... AND ITS NAME IS... > > THEEEEEE SNOOOOoOOOoOoOoooOOOPY SNOWWWWW COOOONE MAAAAAACHIIIIIIINE! > > Kibo is really mean for bringing up, in one post, two things I wanted > most in my childhood. And I bought the last of the original Snoopy Snow Cone Machines a couple years ago. I tried to use it once. The stupid little revolving tinfoil grater has so much trouble shaving the ice cubes that by the time you've gotten a teaspoonful of shavings, they've all melted! > Things I wanted and got were: a Star Bird, Is that another name for an ethnic Sneech? > 6 different Barbies, a Blip (still works!), GEE, I'M SURE GLAD THE ELECTRONICS IN YOUR BLIP DIDN'T DIE. And now, my impression of Blip: (crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank crank) BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (one-second pause) KLIK BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (one-second pause) KLIK BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ (one-second pause) KLIK BZZZZzzz...z...z... (crank crank crank crank crank) For those of you who didn't grow up in the seventies, "Blip" was the first handheld thing to pretend to be a video game (in this case, "Pong".) However, microprocessors hadn't yet been released to the public ("Pong" had discrete components such as transistors, no central processor) so "Blip" was entirely mechanical -- you could play it without the battery. It was wind-up. (It did take a battery, which just made the red LED on a stick -- representing the ball -- glow continuously, but you really didn't need the battery.) At each side of the board there were three buttons, and the ball could only ever go (VERY SLOWLY) towards one of the three spots on each side. If you didn't press button 1, 2, or 3 by the time the ball came firmly to rest there, it would stop and you'd have to turn up the knob which allowed you to keep track of your opponent's score. It required two humans with very slow reflexes and infinite tolerance for tedium. I think I got mine at the same time as Gnip Gnop, which was like Blip only faster and it balls that glowed in the dark. But it was easier to break. > and a Lite Brite. (CALLBACK TO A FEW YEARS AGO, ONE OF MY FIRST ARTICLES ON THE SUBJECT OF THE WEBTV) Lite Brite, makin' spreadsheets with li-i-ite! > Blip is really, really cool, and you can prove it to people by showing > them the box with the Digital RoboFont that spells "BLip". Dear Bee Lip, Stop buzzing at me. Go wind down. The "BLip" logo was presumably designed by the same guy who did those Danvers police cars that have square letters saying "PoLice". Spot took a tick bath! Po' Lice! > I will now sit back and wait for Kibo to bring up the recall of 87 > million kids' light sabers that heat to a dangerous level even when turned > off. I think it is more important to note that the same batch of government-mandated toy hazards, or recalls thereof, included every dive stick ever made. What's a dive stick, you ask? It's a hollow plastic tube (capped at the ends, with a Taiwanese pebble inside to make it slowly sink). You throw 'em into the pool and then it's supposed to be fun to take them out again. YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE A GAME FOR DOGS, ONLY FOR PEOPLE! Anyway, the stupid government is no fun at all because they're recalling all 19 million dive sticks ever made just because six people were -- and I quote -- "rectally impaled". And now I'm going to make Stacia cry by reminding her of the time they took away her lawn darts, and then I'm going to make Jeremy Reimer cry by explaining that the reason his Battlestar Galactica Cylon Warship's missiles didn't actually fire was that they used to and the government took them away too, because several kids were killed by Cylon missiles. -- K. I'm just sad because I never had any toys that the government took away! I was, however, the only person in the audience who identified with Harold Ramis's claim (in "Ghostbusters II") that "I had PART of a Slinky... but I straightened it." I ruined at least three Slinkies. For you kids out there, in MY day the things were made of spring steel, and Tinkertoys were WOOD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Burger King recalls mysteriously lethal featureless balls Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 08:22:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Now the respectable French news media have picked up the story. > WASHINGTON, Dec 28 (AFP) - The Burger King Corporation is > voluntarily recalling more than 25 million Pokemon balls distributed > in the last two months with children's meals nationwide. THEY SEEM HARMLESS FOR THE FIRST TWO MONTHS BUT THEN WATCH OUT!!! > The company and the US Consumer Product Safety Commission > announced Monday that the balls may be dangerous for children under > three, because when split in half, the ball fits over a child's nose > and mouth, AUTOMATICALLY!!! > preventing the child from breathing. So poke some air holes in the ball. What's the problem? > A 13-month old girl reportedly suffocated while playing with the > ball and an 18-month old was found with half the ball stuck on her face. The real question is, why were Mommy and Daddy feeding their BABIES Burger King burgers? > It took her father two tries to remove the toy, but she survived. Whereas in the other case the ball also killed the father and six neighbors. > The balls are plastic and up to 7.5 centimeters (three inches) > in diameter. They were designed to be split in half, revealing a > Pokemon card inside. > The company recommends that consumers immediately take the balls > away from children under the age of three, and throw them away. The balls too, or just the toddlers? > The balls can also be returned to a Burger King restaurant for a small > order of fries. Packaged in Burger King's new fry box which has a spring causing it to clamp shut with unimaginable force whenever it senses a toddler's nose inside. -- K. I bet a baby could suffocate if they got one of those gloppy BK Big Fish sandwiches stuck to their face. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Strange shaped stools Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 12:17:16 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.health, sci.med, alt.support.crohns-colitis, kriskirk@hotmail.com wrote: > > For the last year or so, I've noticed that the shape of my stools is > sometimes not round, instead it has flat sides to it, almost like a > diamond shape. STOP THE PRESSES! WE HAVE FOUND THE MOST IMPORTANT NEWS STORY OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY! SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET HAS STOOLS THAT ARE SOMETIMES NOT ROUND! > What can cause this to happen? Could it be internal > hemorrhoids (I have no bleeding or itching)? Ever? Not even after being stabbed with a knife that was just used to cut poison ivy? > I do have an anal fissure - could this somehow cause the strange shape? > What else could it be? Two words: JAR JAR. -- K. My stools are all perfectly circular. The ones with four legs are more solid than the ones with three. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Oral Millenium Jgirl Pix [1/2] Date: Tue, 28 Dec 1999 12:33:57 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.fetish.latex, ztoqyi@cockjockeys.com wrote: > > Subject: Oral Millenium Jgirl Pix [1/2] Excuse me, but is the Oral Millennium the one that ends in 1999, the one that starts in 2000, or the one that starts in 2001? Also, PLEASE tell me that afterwards there's no Anal Millennium. -- K. I want an Annual Millennium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I am not making this up. Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 08:02:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Kenton 'The Great Requiem' Cernea (requiem@nemonet.com) wrote: > > ...although I wish I were. Hey, your E-mail address looks like an anagram of Dean Lenort's even though it isn't. STOP CONFUSING ME! > Today, I got a tech call from a person who was having problems with > her hard drive - General Failure errors, Sector Not Found errors, the > whole nine yards. She was particularly upset because she had just > purchased this computer "a week ago". > > I asked her, "Where did you purchase this computer?" > > After a few seconds of deep thought, she replied, "... I DON'T KNOW!" She's been talking to Matt McIrvin, hasn't she? According to him, this is my all-time favoritest most favorite favorite joke: (Phone rings.) KIBO: Hey, Matt! You awake? MATT: Yeah, now. KIBO: Why Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? MATT: Um... why? KIBO: I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up.) I deny ever even attempting to use that one on anyone else. However, Matt required The Special Joke. I'm currently working on getting him to spell the word "IMAGE" and then say "LIGHT BULB" and then "PLEASE TAKE MY WALLET". > This is why I love having such an easy stress-free job. Her mystery computer MIGHT have been that missing WebTV prototype that Microsoft accidentally mailed to a random person (due to a computer mix-up)! You should have called the New York City cops to smash into her apartment and make sure she didn't have a WebTV! > I won't mention the other person who called, telling me that she got a > new sound card for Christmas (purchased elsewhere) that a friend of > hers from out of town was going to install into her computer (also > purchased elsewhere). No questions or problems, I suppose she just > wanted to tell somebody. She was pretty brainy. She knew that if she told you, you'd tell the entire Internet. Did she at least tell you what she was going to do with the old sound card? If not, I hope you gave her some suggestions. > DOIDY! Yeah, and if you look at the discrete components soldered onto that sound card, it's really DIODY!!! -- K. WHY DOES DR. DOIDY COME ON A CARD? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Cities make more wonderful Y2K preparations Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 08:07:50 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com To be ready for the big New Year's Eve party in Times Square, New York City is taking these two precautions: 1. Removing all public trash cans. 2. Welding all the manholes shut. "HOORAY! THE CITY IS OFFICIALLY ENCOURAGING LITTERING! NOW WE CAN THROW CRUD ALL OVER THE STREET AND WE'LL NEVER NEED TO STOP! HEY, LOOK! THE LIGHTS JUST WENT OUT! LET'S RIOT AND LOOT WHILE CON EDISON IS SPENDING THE NEXT EIGHT HOURS TRYING TO CUT THEIR MANHOLES OPEN!" Would someone PLEASE tell me why they don't just make manhole covers that have locks on them? -- K. Or they could just make them too heavy to be easily liftable, and then for further protection have cars driving over them all the time. Hey, wait... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: N.J. Co. Recalls Exotic Foods Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 08:32:11 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In clari.biz.industry.food, clari.living.consumer, clari.tw.health.misc, clari.usa.gov.misc, clari.usa.top, clari.biz, clari.biz.industry, clari.living, clari.living.misc, clari.tw, clari.tw.misc, clari.tw.health, clari.usa, clari.usa.gov, and clari.usa.gov.general, the Associated Press brought us this incredibly important article about pate de foie gras: > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- For the third time this month, a New Jersey > food company is recalling exotic foods, mostly French delicacies, > because they may be contaminated with a bacteria that can cause an > uncommon but potentially fatal illness. What, it causes them to go to Burger King and buy Pokemon balls? > Tests revealed that 26 additional products from D'Artagnan Inc. > of Newark, N.J., French food from NEWARK, NEW JERSEY isn't of the finest quality? I am SHOCKED, I tell you, SHOCKED and SARCASTIC!!! > may contain Listeria monocytogenes, which can cause listeriosis, which makes your breath smell mediciney, > the Agriculture Department said Tuesday. > Healthy people rarely contract listeriosis, Um, duh, but healthy people NEVER contract diseases. Also, living people are seldom dead! > but the disease can cause high fever, severe headaches, neck stiffness > and nausea. And if you've ever had any one of those four symptoms, it means someone has been slipping pate de foie gras into your turkeyburgers. > It can be potentially fatal to people with weak immune systems -- > infants, the elderly, chemotherapy patients and persons with HIV > infections or other chronic diseases. Which is worth, being an HIV patient and getting listeriosis or being a listeriosis patient and getting HIV? > Listeriosis can also cause miscarriages and stillbirths. > The latest recall applies to all varieties and sizes of Terrine > of Foie Gras Natural, Terrine of Foie Gras Sauternes, Terrine of > Goose Foie Gras, Mousse of Foie Gras, Mousse of Foie Gras with > Truffles, French Kisses -- Prunes with Foie Gras, Duck Galantine, > Indian Summer Pate, Mousse Basquaise, Mousse Basquaise -- slice, > Mousse Truffee, Mouse Peppercorn and Quail Terrine Bacchus. Mental note: Never buy anything named "French Kisses" because it's just prunes with goose innards. And the prunes are contaminated with listeriosis, so they could cause intestinal effects! > The recall also includes Rillettes, Terrine Chicken Du Soleil, That's the chicken that paints its face and does mime on a circus trapeze during PBS pledge drives. (It's like butoh only without the mass appeal.) > Terrine Mousquetaire, Terrine Pheasant Herbette, Vegetable Terrine, > Venison Terrine En Croute, Smoked Magret Duck Breast Half, Smoked > Magret Duck Breast Quarter, Smoked Duck Wings -- 4/Pack, Pastrami of > Smoked Duck Breast, Duck Leg Confit, Gizzards Confit and Truffle > Butter. Mmm, gizzardy. And you just gotta wonder how the bacteria got inside the duck guts. > All the products have the number ``P9678'' or ``EST9678'' inside > the USDA seal of inspection. You know, the seal which guarantees the food is free of deadly diseases. > Earlier this month D'Artagnan recalled 8-ounce packages of Pork > Free Mousse Truffee and Pork Free Peppercorn Mousse when tests > showed the products may contain Listeria monocytogenes. And the Listeria-Free Mouse Truffee may contain pork. > The government said consumers who purchased any of the recalled > D'Artagnan products should return them to the store where they were > purchased. Anyone concerned about illness should contact a doctor > immediately. Duh, is THAT what they're for? > For more information consumers can call USDA's meat and poultry > hot line at 1-800-535-4555. The hot line is staffed from 10 a.m. to > 4 p.m. EST Monday through Friday. But what if I have a problem with COLD food? -- K. I also note that the hot line is off the hook during dinner time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Humans and cats share similar chromosomes Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 08:37:40 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com America's most-respected French news agency reported: > > Subject: Humans and cats share similar chromosomes And all along we thought they shared completely different chromosomes. > WASHINGTON, Dec 27 (AFP) - The sex chromosomes of humans and > cats share a number of similarities, Which accounts for all those half-man half-cat hybrids running around. PLEASE don't dig up Gene Roddeberry just to whisper that idea in his ear. > according to a report by researchers at the National Cancer Institute > (NCI) published in the journal, Genome Research. > William Murphy and Stephen O'Brien of NCI discovered that the > genes of humans and cats are organized similarly on the X and Y > chromosomes. Yeah, but EVERYTHING'S organized similarly if you're lining them up by Cartesian coordinates! > The researchers said that the discovery could mean that > scientists will be able to use cats to study human sexuality, "Please take off your pants. The cat will be in to see you shortly." > including male fertility. "Mr. Jones, the good news is that you have a very high sperm count. The bad news is, it's all cat sperm." > The mammalian sex chromosomes, X and Y, began to differentiate > from each other about 250 million years ago, shortly after mammals > separated from reptiles. I wonder how the divorce settlement went. Did the reptiles get custody of the compact disc collection? > The two chromosomes have evolved considerably, especially the Y > chromosome, and geneticists generally believed that this chromosome > was different even in closely related mammals. Next up on your TV: A black-and-white documentary on the problems of identical cousins, including zany scrapes, hilarious mixups, and a laugh track. -- K. I always preferred the identical ancestors they had on "The Time Tunnel". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: An Open Letter to George Hammond: Date: Wed, 29 Dec 1999 09:19:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > OK, it's a go. I need 24 hours. The reason I need 24 hours > is that I wish to request a "change of venue" in order to gain > a fair hearing for my theory. I don't know, I think the courts around Dartmouth are already full up. > I wish to "convene" a grand council to hear my theory. Therefore, > I will summon the spirits, or shall we say "ghosts" of the famous > scientists of history who have a knowledge of this subject to engage > in an interlocutory presentation, That's right, we won't believe you, but we'll believe your ghost friends. I want Freddy and Velma to cross-examine. Especially that Velma. You know she's good with science because she doesn't dress pretty. > the same as Hamlet summoned a ghost. This will take me 24 > hours at least, to write, since I am more a scientist than a dramatist. Yeah, but I am EQUALLY as much a world-famous scientist as I am Mr. Universe! > "Androcles" has given me the inspiration. We shall convene personages > of the Golden Age.. Pericles, Hippocrates, Plato, Aristotle. Don't forget Archimedes. > Joining them will be authorities from later ages.. DesCarte, Newton, > Aquinas, Gallileo, (The guy who dropped things off the Leanning Towwer of Pizza.) > and even scientist from the modern age.. Freud, Hilbert, Einstein, Don't forget Archimedes again. And Abian. I would be very happy to see the ghost of Alexander Abian right now. > Thurstone, Cattell, Fischer, Feynman, Pauli, Heisenberg, Sperry. Salright, I'll do it, Mr. Shammond. > They will all be there to look into this rumor that a > scientific proof of God has been discovered. We shall convene the > conference in a special antechamber of St. Peters Cathedral. There > will be several Popes present and a number of heads of state, Lincoln > for instance. It might take more than a day for the Secret Service to secure the area so he won't get shot again. > I have extended Jesus of Nazareth and Peter an invitation and they > have agreed to attend also. Yeah, Jesus couldn't show up in the cathedral WITHOUT an invitation! > OK, that's it. By 11pm EST tomorrow, I will post this exposition and > "verbal inquiry" into "Hammond's Scientific Proof of God" by the Grand > Council. We will hear these great authorities from Aristotle to Penrose > inquire of Mr. Hammond as to just what the substance of his "proof of God" > actually is. Okay. I shall wait for your proof of something incomprehensible about you and God being best buddies by five hours ago. > The only thing we won't hear about, is their DECISION. The decision on > the theory will be left to YOU. > See you tomorrow night. A few hours later, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [to "Java Joe Androcles"] > > YOUR POST IS A VIOLATION OF THE NEWSGROUP CHARTER. > YOUR POST IS A VIOLATION OF INTERNET POLICY. Oh no! Al Gore will be very angry! > YOUR POST CONTAINS NO SCIENTIFIC CONTENT. Oh no! Archimedes Plutonium will sue for plagiarism! > YOUR POST CONSISTS SOLELY OF AD HOMINEM HARASSMENT. YOUR POST CONSISTS SOLELY OF VERY LARGE LOWERCASE LETTERS THAT LOOK LIKE CAPITALS. > I will gladly report you to abuse.net, the Internet police What's the proper sort of smiley that I would use to indicate I just about fell off my chair if I didn't eschew smileys in favor of just pointing out that the above phrase is one of the funniest sentence fragments I've ever quoted? > and other Internet investigative/policing organizations > including your webserver. OH NO! APACHE COULD BE ARRESTED! And then a few hours later, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Apparently the situation has taken a turn for the worse since > by optimism of this afternoon, when I planned to present an > exposition of my theory tomorrow. Please continue to present your theory this afternoon tomorrow instead of the other way around. > The continued personal attack by Hillman, Androcles and others is > something I am going to have to nip in the bud before they begin > throwing their weight around Mixed metaphor! I am going to have to call in the Internet Police and have them take away your poetic license when they throw you in Internet Jail for using a mixed metaphor ON THE INTERNET! > with some more dangerous action (which they are all too eager to do). > Anyway, one thing I can't afford to do is give them any legitimate > leeway; break any formal rules for instance. Turns out there is > an express prohibition against the posting of any "theological > discussion" in the FAQ (according to the above). Well, then, don't post your theological discussion in the FAQ! > Therefore I have decided I don't have a sufficient legal leg Have you contacted Archimedes Plutonium's Legal-Leg Law Desk Foundation? > to prevent them from doing something really viscious HEY EVERYONE LET'S POUR MOLASSES ON GEORGE HAMMOND!!! > and will cease posting to this newsgroup. Dear George "Dan Sale" Hammond, Don't forget to promise to pay everyone on the entire Internet a thousand dollars each if you never come back which you're obviously never going to do. Sincerely, The Internet Police's Official Mascot. Now back to Mr. Hammond's final post ever... > As you might suspect, I have also concluded that "casting pearls > before swine" is acutely inadvisable in this instance. I am NOT > apparently talking to anyone who is potentially part of the > solution, but in fact to people who are simply part of the problem. > I have therefore concluded it is disadvantageous to continue posting > to .relativity, as it is detrimental to a greater objective rather > than a benefit. It appears that the "Grand Council" I envisioned > will have to be convened with the publication of my book rather > than in the posts of sci.physics.relativity. So much for the corruption > of the Internet. I TRIED TO CORRUPT THE INTERNET BUT SOMEONE HAD BEATEN ME TO IT! WAAH! THE CORRUPTION OF THE INTERNET WAS RUINED! > I've taken a lot of ignorance, brutality and threats from street > kids on alt.sci.physics.new-theories, I agree with you up to the first comma. > but it escalates to a serious matter when one is dealing with the > privileged academic class who actually have the means to be materially > dangerous THOSE RICH COMMUNITY COLLEGE TEACHERS ARE BEATING UP GEORGE HAMMOND AGAIN! > and are swaggering drunk with aggravation and just looking for a target > of opportunity ("to have a little fun with" as they say). I don't > intend to play into their hands. IT SHOULD BE AGAINST THE LAW FOR COLLEGE PROFESSORS TO SAY THE PHRASE "TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH"! > I won't respond any further to threats or insults on the NG, in fact > I won't even be reading the NG. Remember, tradition says you must promise to pay everyone a thousand dollars if you ever post to this newsgroup again, and two thousand if you mistakenly spell out the word "newsgroup". > Sorry indeed that things are this way, but the fact is I knew they > were before I tried to talk to you. GENIUS!!! > Apparently Physics is too ignorant for a scientific proof of God, > and it will have to be published directly to the public thus > bypassing academia, a fact that even Darwin and Einstein discovered. While they were collaborating on that paper with Erdos. > Fact is, I don't need academia for anything... What's the sort of smiley I would use to indicate "this is the same sort of smiley I would have used above if I still didn't use smileys instead of just pointing out when someone said something really funny"? > and I have FINALLY discovered why it is that even the most sincere > efforts are continually met with ridicule and attack... the fact > is the people one is talking to are corrupt..! > You're not help, you're the opposition, and the last thing I should > be doing is tipping my hand to you. Since I now see a conspiracy brewing > to get me off the list, I'll simply move first and leave now. THAT'S A WAY TO SHOW THEM WHO'S BOSS! Also, I hear they're trying to make you look like a complete bozo. But I see you're already ahead of them in that field, too. > I'm not going to work up a sweat posting more entertainment for you > in the naive belief that you are actually looking for scientific truth. NO, REALLY, I AM ONLY READING YOUR CRAZY RANTS WHILE NOT USING SMILEYS BECAUSE I AM LOOKING FOR SCIENTIFIC TRUTH! NOW RIDE YOUR TRICYCLE AROUND HONKING YOUR NOSE SOME MORE! > Fact is, you are only looking for political advantage, and I'm the > LAST PERSON who should be talking to you. I disagree. It hasn't yet been demonstrated that you're a person. > Carry on. > George Hammond Carry off George Hammond. And then, a few hours later, George Hammond posted again: George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [to "Androcles"] > > The only way to shut you up is to killfile > you, and Hillman, and the others, on my computer, > Which I have just done. > You people can rant and rave all you want.. > BUT NOT TO ME. Because already a crazy voice is raving in your ear 24 hours a day. As far as killfiling those who dare call you a wacko, yeah, be sure to killfile everyone else on the newsgroup while you tell everyone that you're not posting to the newsgroup any more. While you're not posting to the Internet, be sure to keep us posted on how the Internet Police are handling your complaint that a guy is laughing at you. BY THE WAY, I'M NOT LAUGHING AT YOU, MR. PERFECTLY SANE CLOWN SCIENTIST SIR! -- K. I know bozos. I am a bozo. And you, sir, are a bozo! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOVERNMENT-INSTIGATED SCHOOL_SHOOTINGS ! Date: Thu, 30 Dec 1999 08:31:57 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In talk.politics.theory, alt.society.anarchy, sci.edu, and alt.religion.christian-teen, our old friend Robert McElwaine (rem1@briefcase.com) wrote: > > GOVERNMENT-INSTIGATED SCHOOL SHOOTINGS ! > > The GREATEST THREAT to a POLICE STATE is an ARMED > POPULACE. The SECRET-GOVERNMENT agents within our own > government want to DISARM the Public as much as possible, by > INSTIGATING excuses for more gun-control laws. > > Most mass-murderers and assassins in the U.S. are > VICTIMS of SECRET-GOVERNMENT MIND-CONTROL ! Some of them, > such as Mark David Chapman and "Squeaky" Fromm, TRIED to > resist, but the mind-control was TOO POWERFUL ! THAT'S WHAT WE GET FOR ELECTING JOHN LENNON AS PRESIDENT!!! > It seems LIKELY that recent SCHOOL SHOOTINGS are part of > this GOVERNMENT-INSTIGATED MIND-CONTROL CONSPIRACY ! You know, when Archimedes Plutonium posts his rants, I can kind of understand in what way his brain is broken. But with Robert McElwaine, I always just get the feeling that either I've had a lobotomy or he's not comprehensible by mere mortals. HE HAS BEEN TOUCHED BY GENIUS! AND SQUISHED BY IT LIKE A BUG! > P.S.: PASS IT ON ! You forgot to say "PULL MY FINGER !" first. Fun factoid: Mr. McElwaine has been ranting like this for a LONG time. When Ludwig (Archie) Plutonium first appeared in 1993, I remarked that he was "the NEW McElwaine!" Little did I know that the OLD McElwaine would still be just as good after all these years. -- K. Number nine... Number nine... Number nine... Word doidy... Word doidy... Word doidy... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOVERNMENT-INSTIGATED SCHOOL_SHOOTINGS ! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 00:42:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Last night, Robert McElwaine called for John Lennon to be assassinated again, and I heartily concurred: I quoted what Robert McElwaine (rem1@briefcase.com) wrote: > > > > Most mass-murderers and assassins in the U.S. are > > VICTIMS of SECRET-GOVERNMENT MIND-CONTROL ! Some of them, > > such as Mark David Chapman and "Squeaky" Fromm, TRIED to > > resist, but the mind-control was TOO POWERFUL ! ...and, today, George 'Arrison is in the 'ospital in 'ngland because some nut tried to kill him. (He stabbed Mr. 'Arrison in the chest, and the ex-Beatle is apparently recovering nicely.) So, anyway, yes, we must all attempt to break free of the government's mind-control lasers by shooting celebrities like John Lennon, but please don't pick on the three living Beatles. They've suffered enough what with John Lennon being killed and Paul McCartney being arrested for drugs in Japan and Ringo Starr being replaced by George Carlin on "Shining Time Station". Celebrities that can be picked on without making the remaining Beatles unhappy: Bob Hope Yoko Ono The cast of "Murphy Brown" (but only as a group. They're nice people individually.) The cast of "Happy Days" (individually or as a group.) Eddie Fisher Fannie Flagg, JoAnn Pflug, JoAnne Worley, or Leslie Uggams The talking dolphin on NBC's "seaQuest DSV" Martin Landau and Barbara Bain Dick Ebersol Kevin Costner Kevin Costner's horse The people who were recorded laughing to make laugh tracks Dan Aykroyd, Ernie Hudson, and Bill Murray, but not Harold Ramis (Matt Frewer may be substituted for him) Monica Lewinsky Archimedes Plutonium The dog on "Frasier" Doc Marten Enrico Caruso Truman Capote Mrs. Abraham Lincoln ...I'm aware the last three are already dead, but I think that makes people less likely to get upset if you pick on them. -- K. Was Doc Marten a real doctor of shoeology or was he just lying? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Movie by using quotes from other movies Date: Thu, 30 Dec 1999 08:50:59 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.edu and scu.physchology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Well, I am feeling fine Aw, damn. By the way, Arch, I hope you don't mind if I use your post as the basis for a wacky little game here on this Internet thing. It's called "Can You Spot The Punchline?" I'll quote all the stuff you just said, and the object of this game is for people to shout "PASS!" when you say something dull and "DING! DING! DING!" when you say The Punchline. Ready, everyone? > and happy for I depart tomorrow with my second Airstream (the 19') > to deliver up north as offices for the Plutonium Atom Foundation > in South Dakota, PASS! > and I need some rest and settling down after this year of much travel. PASS! > And the earlier quote from I CLAUDIUS comes to mind of "say no more.. > say no more" PASS! > Only for me at this moment it is cut no more oak trees.. cut no more oak > trees here in Florida. PASS! > Cut no more trees and get on the highway to go home to South Dakota. PASS! > On my Florida and Canadian property which I want to convert to horticulture > fruit trees or plants, but first I have to clear the wood. PASS! > And like my Canadian property, it seems that I have to clear trees there > also before I can start the horticulture I so desire, PASS! > but at least those are pine trees and easy to saw but here in Florida > those oak trees are tough. PASS! > I have to almost saw 97 percent of the oak trunk before it falls. Um... PASS! > By the way, I use only a Sandvik bow saw and sawing trees and logs sure is > energy consuming. PASS! > I suppose tree loggers expend the most calories in their work than most > every other profession. PASS! > It seems as though I am fated to learn more about wood and sawing trees > before I can grow an established orchard. PASS! > I suspect this is because I was mostly trees in my past reincarnated lives. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING !!!! > And another quote comes to my mind that I seem to dwell upon often. PASS! > It is the quote from Shakespeare's HENRY V, where he says "I know thee not" PASS! > And also, an established music artist is contemplating on doing > a song on Archimedes Plutonium. I WOULD DEFINITELY PASS ON THAT ONE! By the way, is this anonymous made-up musician the same imaginary friend who gave you all that money to file that imaginary lawsuit you may or may not have filed against me? I forget whether you did or not because I can't find your invisible lawsuit here. > I hope it becomes a big-bang-hit. I hope you say something else that goes "DING DING DING!" someday. -- K. Can you promise me me the mysterious "music artist" isn't "The Artist Formerly Known As Ludwig"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Man Finds Pants Worn by Elvis Date: Thu, 30 Dec 1999 09:09:28 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In article (Aelvis-presleyUROJC_9DT.X.X.X@clari.net), in newsgroups clari.living.music, clari.local.north_dakota, clari.living.top, clari.living.celebrities, clari.living.history, clari.tw.new_media, clari.living.movies, clari.living.human_interest, clari.news.front_page, clari.living, clari.living.entertainment, clari.tw, and clari.living.misc, the Associated Press calmly announced: > > Subject: Man Finds Pants Worn by Elvis From the makers of "THEY SAVED HITLER'S PANTS!" comes "IN SEARCH OF ELVIS'S PANTS!" Narrated by Leonard Nimoy! With a special guest appearance by Orson Welles as Elvis! > GRAND FORKS, N.D. (AP) -- They weren't blue suede shoes, but a > pair of pants found by Ross Rolshoven could definitely be one for > the money. One for the money? Oh, so he only found HALF a pair. > Rolshoven said he was sorting through a pile of old Hollywood > movie costumes at a bargain store in Dilworth, Minn., when he found > a pair of pants once worn by Elvis Presley. > Rolshoven paid $50 for the pants and is hoping to make big bucks > on his investment by selling them on the Internet or at a > collectors' show in Minneapolis next month. > The pale yellow pants were worn with a yellow rain slicker and yellow rain hat when Elvis rode the tricycle during that episode of "Laugh-In" that Colonel Parker suppressed. Somewhere it's in a vault along with "The Day The Clown Cried", "Buckaroo Banzai Against The World Crime League", and the other ending of "Dr. Strangelove" where George C. Scott says, "I SURE HOPE SOMEONE SHOOTS JOHN F. KENNEDY TODAY!" > with bold braid on the side had Elvis' name typed on the label. They can't be his unless his middle name was misspelled. > They were part of a collection of old movie props purchased by > the store from a Hollywood company that was selling the items > as Halloween costumes. I'M GOING TRICK-OR-TREATING DRESSED AS ELVIS'S PANTS!!! > Rolshoven said his research showed the pants were worn by Elvis > in the 1966 movie ``Frankie and Johnny.'' This costume store wouldn't happen to have any costumes for people wanting to dress up as Elvis, would it? And the costume pants and costume jackets wouldn't happen to have labels indicating which ones go together, would they? I mean, it's not possible that the people making Elvis costumes had ever seen that Elvis movie! Elvis fans NEVER watch Elvis movies! -- K. And NOBODY likes the Three Stooges! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: two damn cheeseburgers! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 01:00:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > I'll try to summon enough strength to post this article; but > since my lunch was not fit for human consumption, I'm > starting to feel a bit woozie. HAN SOLO: Hey, kid, stop feeling my Woozie! CHEWBAZZA: Aaaaarrrrrrrrrr! DARTH VADER: Does this cape smell funny to you? > I ordered two PLAIN hamburgers from McDonalds (mmm...) and > what did I get? Two "plain" cheeseburgers. Erg. Cheese. > Or, more properly, Cheez. This is the main reason I stopped eating at McDonalds. > On simulated meat. This is the less important reason. > At least there wasn't any ketchup present, as its aroma has > reminded me of vomit ever since a traumatic vacation incident > involving a carsick sibling. Yes, but wait until you see a third-grader eat half a box of Cheese Nips. Mmm! Orange vomit that smells like a McBurger with cheez and ketchup! > I had to throw them away. No way was I going to put that stuff in > my mouth. The cheeseburgers, I mean. Did you at least stick them to the underside of the counter and then order an extra-large Dr. Pepper and smash the cup on the counter and yell "HAPPY MOP-DAY FROM MIKE O., SUCKERS!"? Or any other sentence which had ".", ",", "!", and "?" in rapid succession? And, after throwing your money over the counter into the deep-fryer, then you need to get a job there for just one day, which is long enough to spit in all the food they'll serve for the next year if you don't take any bathroom breaks that don't involve the milkshake machine. > Now I'm going to be forced to purchase something stale from > the vendo to make it the rest of the day. > > BUT iN SOME 36 HOURS, THE COLLAPSE OF SOCIETY WILL MAkE TH1S > JUST A iNDISTINCT, HAZY MEMORY!!!!!!1! Hot tip: If you order tacos without cheez at Taco Bell, sometimes they throw chopped tomatoes, sour cream, or other stuff on for free without telling you. Usually they just fill the tacos with extra lettuce, though. And some shreds of cheez that remained after they put on the cheez and then you reminded them you didn't want cheez so they took most of it off because they couldn't just make a new taco for you because then they'd have to save that taco until someone else ordered a taco and that might not happen for WEEKS! or, more likely, three seconds. -- K. So, I missed the movie "Good Burger". Did it turn out to be an erudite and witty satire? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Do You Have Your Y2K Gun Yet? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 01:17:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From CNN's Web site: > > Gun sales up as New Year approaches > > DETROIT (AP) -- Gun sales across the country have jumped since November > and firearms dealers say they are surprised by some of the buyers. Yes, it's the first time gun dealers have interacted with creepy people. > "We're seeing people who I wouldn't call 'gun' people," said Brian Peot, > 26, who sells guns at Rylee's Ace Hardware in Grand Rapids. "We're getting > people who have never owned guns." Wait... some Americans have never owned guns? > He said some customers have asked specifically for a "Y2K gun." Waah! My gun isn't Y2K-compliant! I pulled the trigger and it fired a bullet in 1900 and killed President McKinley! > FBI officials ending their first full year of monitoring federal > background checks say more time is needed before national sales patterns > can be tracked accurately. > > But some gun sales associates and law enforcement officials here say they > think Y2K fears are driving the 16.7 percent increase found in federal > records checks this month. The checks are performed on everyone legally > buying a firearm. The checks are performed by a computer that may or may not be Y2K-ready, so new buyers should receive their guns in the first week of 1900. > Wayne County Sheriff Robert Ficano said people "shouldn't be falsely > alarmed" by security concerns in the coming days. Yeah! Just be truly alarmed! > But "obviously in the past year, there's been a consciousness in the > public domain (about Y2K) that has continued," he said. Oh no! I can't get to the .public domain in my Web browser! Y2K is worse than we thought! > A normal month in Wayne County sees sheriff's officials handle about 30 > background checks for Detroit and the area's townships. Last month, he > said, they handled between 65 and 70. Just once I'd like to see someone pass a FOREGROUND check. > [...] > > Jerry Haddrill, who owns Jerry's Gun Shop in the Detroit suburb of > Rochester, said he doesn't think any spike in sales is entirely > Y2K-related. However, an increase in sales of spikes is. Gotta be ready to nail Jesus to that cross if he comes back tomorrow. > But he said "everybody in this business has seen an increase," and cited a > 15 percent sales surge this year. I'm sure sales will go down once again once enough people get killed by those guns. > Some store owners say ammunition is selling better than this time last > year, too. When David Graves left work last week at Bass Pro Shops Outdoor > World in Auburn Hills, the buckshot shelf was full. > > "When I came in this morning it was all gone," Graves told the Press. "I > checked in the back and it's all gone, too." People are stocking up in case Y2K causes deer to run amok. -- K. RELEASE THE Y2K DEER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Advanced Boring" X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 03:57:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David "Ersatz Haderach" O'Bedlam (thedavid@tsoft.com) wrote: > > [...] while short-cutting through UC campus the on my way home, > came across a sawhorse-thing, marking off some kind of repair or > construction project, with a sign on the front reading "ADVANCED BORING." THIS is why everyone should carry digital cameras at all times. Because there's still about 26 hours left to E-mail submissions to Kibo's Orange Cone Photo Contest. And sawhorses count as cones if they're sufficiently amusing. I can't say when I'll be_able to judge the entries (hopefully a couple days after Y2K Day, since I'll be busy snapping photos and watching TV for the next few days) but the contest does officially close at the end of December 31st. If anyone mails me any photos five minutes after midnight they'll be ineligible because everyone knows you can't mail Kibo real photos after the Internet crashes at midnight. So, this is the last call to E-mail photos to --> orangecones@kibo.com Those of you who have just been leaving your photos on your Web sites rather than mailing them to orangecones@kibo.com better cross your fingers and hope your Web server's still up when I'm trying to pick a winner, buckos! -- K. Next contest is going to have to have a way of punishing people who mail photos to the wrong mailbox. Hint: orangecones@kibo.com is for the one for the orange cone contest. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I've said it before, and I'll say it again until they stop it. Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 05:51:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Why do the major news wire services continue to ignore my complaint that the articles are never as interesting as the headline would have you believe? > Subject: Italian men, women turn to red underwear as year ends Roberto Benigni turned into a pair of boxers with polka dots, and Luciano Pavorotti turned into the opposite of long johns: wide johns. At least, that's what they SHOULD have said after that headline. But, no, they had to say something less interesting: > ROME, Dec 30 (AFP) - Red underwear has become the big seller in > Italian stores in the runup to the New Year as men and women stock > up on the items reputed to stave off bad luck. That's why the Devil is always so lucky! Because he wears those red shorts over his red leotard! > "Red means joy and vitality; it's a color that has brought luck > since ancient times," explained journalist Mara Parmegiani Alfonsi, > a historian who has collected red lingerie from various periods for years. Wait... Italians wore underwear more than 20 years ago? > Alfonsi traced back the custom to the post-World War II years > and believes it originated in the United States. > "Blood is red and vital. So why not bring your skin in contact > with something which is already under your skin?" she said. The logic is... stunning. > Alfonsi admits that red is not easily worn above the waistline. 'cause then you get killed whenever you beam down to the planet. > "But there may be that sexy hope that things will liven up from > the waist down. For a couple of years red underwear has also been > given to men as a gift and they wear it exactly like women: as a > good-luck charm." > Alfonsi explained that red is the color of cardinals, who elect > the pope, YEAH, BUT THE POPE WEARS WHITE -- VIRGINAL WHITE -- AND POPE TRUMPS CARDINAL! > and the symbol of the power of Christ but also the color of the cloak > of Mephisto, the prince of darkness and one of the seven chief devils. Don't forget the Santa Claus, the Nazi flag, Chinese New Year's, Mars, Conan O'Brien's hair, cherry Pez, Marlboros, certain kinds of hot peppers, and the laser beam coming out from under my Microsoft mouse. > People see red when they become enraged and are red-blooded when > believed to be virile. WAAH! MY BLOOD GOES FROM VIRILE TO NON-VIRILE SEVERAL TIMES A MINUTE! > The color is also linked to hatred and selfishness, according to the > historian. And to Italians running around in their underwear after Christmas. -- K. I wish you could get edible underwear that was in normal white so that people wouldn't think I were weird or anything. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I just realized what bothers me most about "the Millennium". Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 05:58:40 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I don't give a damn whether people think it begins in 2000 or 2001. I do, however, feel like bugs are crawling all over me whenever anyone on TV gushes that "it happens only once every 2000 years!" Remember, folks, we can't have a party like this one in 2999. You'll have to wait until 3999 for the next one exactly like the 1999 one... AND YOU MIGHT BE DEAD BY 3999! -- K. Also, I took Spot for a walk in New York City and dropped him into a manhole just before they welded them all shut. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I just realized what bothers me most about "the Millennium". X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 00:39:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > For some reason, the movement of the South Pole marker was > extrememly fascinating and Y2K-relevant. An astrophysicist (?) > was brought in to explain to Jennings why the marker had to be > moved. Get this -- the ice cap moves and stuff? That's because of > the Big Bang, if I followed their line of conversation, with real > computer graphic animation, correctly. The most meaningful thing about time I saw on TV recently was on yesterday's rerun of "Whoopi Goldberg's Hollywood Squares" on The Game Show Network: Question: "In the Gettyburg [sic] address, to what does 'four score and seven years' refer?" Correct Answer: "Time." I only saw that one question, then I realized, "HEY, I'M WATCHING THE GAME SHOW NETWORK!" and turned off my TV and took a bath. > Celebrations in Hong Kong included a man wearing large, silvery bat wings. It's a cheap bootleg knockoff of Adam West! Check him for the hologram sticker! > Was it just the moment I tuned-in or did the networks totally > ignore Japan in favor of French-like nuttiness in Beijing? > > Meanwhile, Paris looks gloomy. But they have a digital clock stuck to the side of the Eiffel Tower and they have ELEVEN non-rider-capable ferris wheels turning all around the city for no reason except that I guess French people are fascinated by things that keep going around and around and around real slowly. Now that Greenwich Mean Time has just rolled over -- and GMT is the base for most Internet stuff and all air traffic -- ABC just assured me that there are always "dozens and dozens of airplanes in the air" and they're all unaffected by Y2K. That's odd, from here it looks like, in the USA, there are about 2300 planes in the air. Does 2300 equal two or three Millennium Dozens? -- K. I wish the Y2K bug would break TV news but not anything important. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I just realized what bothers me most about "the Millennium". X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 00:31:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > The year 2000 is now a couple of time zones wide. Our non-US or non-TV > readers might like to know that the ABC network is inexplicably spending > the entire day covering identical festivities around the world, probably > in the hope that some city will catch fire or fall into the earth's crust. I'm just hoping Roxbury will STOP burning for one night. > I turned on the tee vee just in time to catch Adelaide's countdown, and > noted, in the thirty seconds I spent watching the all-day broadcast, that > Peter Jennings ALREADY sounds bored. > > Actually, he always sounds bored. Never mind. Here's my recounting of what I saw on ABC this morning when I tuned in as Y2K came to New Zealand: 1. Peter Jennings reported no "K2" problems. 2. Sam Donaldson reported no "2YK" problems. 3. The silly guy using his "laser baton" to "conduct" the "virtual orchestra" in New York City ("Instructions: wave the stick until the music stops") played a piece the TV people claimed was composed specifically to celebrate the millennium, "Fanfare For The Common Man". What? You mean Aaron Copland DIDN'T compose it just for all those Navy commercials? 4. The guys dancing on the non-flat roof of the Sydney Opera House were cool. 5. Then, for the next six hours, they showed this: A. Fifteen seconds of some monstrous celebration happening somewhere, with lots of cross-fades to crowds of people, half of whom were watching fireworks, and the other half were looking into the camera. B. Forty-five minutes of watching a wide-angle shot of Times Square as they told us over and over that they will be raising the ball in only forty-five minutes so they can drop it like they do once every hour all day, and it was made of Waterford(TM) brand crystal, the crystalware with the spinning laser mirrors. C. Repeat ad nauseum. Oh, and Hillary Clinton gave a long speech somewhere around noon, but I missed it because I was out trying to throw my newspaper away but I couldn't because all the newspaper recycle bins had green sticky tape over the openings. Meanwhile, CNN, which had been advertising their 100 continuous hours of super-awesome live New Year's coverage for months, chose to cut to a four-frame-per-second video-phone image of the hijacked plane in Afghanistan sitting on the runway for a solid hour because that was Breaking News. Even if it was just a series of near-identical still pictures. 6. At 7 P.M. (midnight in England), they told us for twenty minutes how they were going to "set the ENTIRE Thames on fire" when Big Ben began striking, and not only did they not set the river on fire (they just launched some fireworks) and not only did they do it only on four miles of the enormous Thames, ABC chose to remain focused on a closeup of Big Ben's clock face until well after all twelve chimes had sounded and the offscreen river had pretended to explode. 7. Also at 7 P.M., as London was setting off the world's largest fireworks (over the nearly-complete Millennium dome and the as-yet-not-certified- as-safe-to-go-near ferris wheel) my local affiliate split the screen in two so that they could also show Boston's wimpy little fireworks (Boston has them at Greenwich Mean Time so that little kids are allowed to look at them, and then they'll have some adult ones -- hopefully X-rated -- at midnight local time.) The subway is very crowded today with people who don't know where they're going but are certain they have to go there in an absolutely straight line, shouldering you aside as they head towards the wrong subway train. ("WHY IS THE HOTEL OUTBOUND NOW? IT WAS ON THE INBOUND TRAIN WHEN WE CAME IN, WHY IS IT OUTBOUND NOW?") The supermarket is very busy with people buying up cartfuls of the few remaining bottles of bottled water -- hey, guys, it's too late to stock up now! It's already Y2K in Europe and all the water supplies are connected! I checked the K-Mart and they still had most of their toilet paper, but the canned-goods aisle had been ransacked. (They still had all the canned tomatoes, canned chili, and condensed soups, but all the green beans were gone, because green beans are the only food that can survive a power failure.) I'm going to go out again a little later and see if any nuclear plants blow up in the middle of Boston (like that one they put in place of Chinatown in "SimCity") or if any terrorists hid bombs in the ice sculptures. Also I'm going to keep walking up to cash machines and yelling, "OH MY GOD, THE BANK JUST THREW MY MONEY AWAY!" to see if I can make other people look stupid. Then I'll drop my pants for the same reason. -- K. In Boston this is called "First Night" because they have it every year -- ice sculptures, fireworks, face-painting by clowns on kids, and all the computers explode at both 7 P.M. or midnight so the kids can see it. Boston's "First Night" is an oddly kid-friendly mutation of New Year's Eve. (They don't let Dick Clark host it because he's too old.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I just realized what bothers me most about "the Millennium". X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 05:41:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Back in the 1900s, I wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I turned on the tee vee just in time to catch Adelaide's countdown, and > > noted, in the thirty seconds I spent watching the all-day broadcast, that > > Peter Jennings ALREADY sounds bored. > > > > Actually, he always sounds bored. Never mind. > > Here's my recounting of what I saw on ABC this morning when I tuned in > as Y2K came to New Zealand: > > 1. Peter Jennings reported no "K2" problems. > > 2. Sam Donaldson reported no "2YK" problems. I just got back from the middle of Boston, where nothing exploded. I got home and turned on the TV and immediately heard Peter Jennings say that there were no "2YK" problems in Osaka, Japan. Matt, do you think you're just confusing "bored" with "tired, drunk, and/or not really bright"? Incidentally, the Internet seemed a little sluggish around 8 P.M. (local time) but everything ws working. Now (12:30 A.M.) everything is running very fast. And, OF COURSE, the computers didn't blow up or anything. world% uptime 12:32am up 3 days, 7:27, 76 customers, load average: 6.72, 6.77, 5.47 www.kibo.com% uptime 12:37am up 24 days, 2:34, 13 users, load average: 5.12, 5.06, 4.55 Damn, I WAS REALLY EXPECTING ALL FAUCETS TO START DISPENSING SAND INSTEAD OF WATER AT THE EXACT SECOND DICK CLARK YELLED "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Just think, there are lots of people who face a very difficult decision right now: Eat a whole lot of MREs or throw them out. -- K. And there weren't even any terrorist incidents, riots, drunken fights, or streakers here! The potential for mayhem was RUINED! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I just realized what bothers me most about "the Millennium". X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 07:52:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Heather Anne Nicoll (darkhawk@mindspring.com) wrote: > > "This is not a Y-2-clay gitch!" - News announcer on Boston's Channel 5 OH NO! The Y-2-clay bug has destroyed Gumby, Mr. Bill, and Muhammad Ali! I was taping Channel 5 for much of the afternoon to see if anything happened, other than Barbara Walters talking about how much she likes Paris. I didn't see any Channel 5 vans in Copley Square (maybe they were over in the Common, or maybe they just stayed in the studio.) I did see Channel 4's Joyce Kulhawik (the one who made Roger Ebert's jaw drop when she gushed about how wonderful "Pokemon: The First Movie" was in her professional opinion) hanging around in a fur hat shaped like a hatbox, and Rondella Richardson was there too. But I was looking across the fenced-off area towards Joyce & Rondella where I could see the countdown behind them, while 99% of the crowd was was behind the newscasters because, when at a New Year's countdown, it's far more important to be seen on local TV for a fraction of a second than to actually watch the countdown. The countdown (at least the one in Copley Square) was pretty lame compared to the ones in other cities -- no announcer. Just slides projected onto the (very lumpy) side of Don Saklad's favorite library. No big dropping ball, no fireworks (until half an hour later), just some numbers that went down from 10 to 2000 (2000 equals 0), oh, and some guy let go of a cluster of three pink balloons. (It's on the Fourth of July when Boston has the really spectacular fireworks.) Right after the countdown, the crowd started breaking up. I think 3/4 of the 100,000 people entered the Copley subway station simultaneously, and to prevent the Y2K bug from interrupting subway service, the trains were all turned off from 11:55 to 12:15. So I can only imagine the horror of all the people crowding onto the train that was sitting in the station all that time. (It was the one wrapped in the DSL ad saying "HOW MANY HOURS HAVE YOU BEEN OFFLINE?") Me, I walked a couple blocks to Back Bay station -- which is on the Orange Line, Copley is on the Green line, Back Bay has commuter rail and Copley doesn't, and they confuse tourists by showing commuter rail at Copley on some maps because Copley is only three blocks from Back Bay and on a different subway line.) At Back Bay station, I knew I could pick up the #39 bus (which is an exact duplicate of the Green E subway, in convenient above-ground form) and there was a line of ten buses sitting there waiting for the mob. I got on the first bus. I said "Happy New Year!" to the driver, who was all alone. I don't think I've ever been the only person on the #39 bus (assuming the driver doesn't count as a person) before. So, now we have a qualitative measure of just how icky people think buses are: Out of 100,000 or so people (I didn't count them) there was exactly one person who knew where the buses left from (I did count myself, and I affirm that I am a natural person.) I got lots of photos of huge mounds of garbage covering the areas where the trash cans were before they took them away to keep the city looking clean. I also took a bunch of photos of the funnier ice sculptures (I particularly liked the one shaped like a hand making an obscene British gesture with a barricade behind it to force people only to look at the side that makes a different American gesture, and the random piles of discarded broken ice blocks) and some of the other goofy "First Night" items. I only saw one bomb-sniffing dog. He was sniffing a lamp post pretty furiously. Hey, on my TV, Peter Jennings just apologized for ABC News having "spent so much time in Latin-speaking countries" today. Is that too stupid to be racist? He looks just like Jerry Lewis used to when he actually hosted the whole telethon instead of just the head and tail ends. Or like Louise Lasser did just before she went insane on camera on "Saturday Night Live". He's really tired now. He's slurring everything and there are big pauses after every three or four words as the cars of his train of thought start spontaneously uncoupling. And he's wearing a Mr. Rogers sweater to show how relaxed he is. Next time they have a Y2K they should make it more exciting for the newscasters. Like, they should have something actually break. -- K. They did tell us that the ball in Times Square could be lowered by pulling on ropes if it failed. I think it would have been cute if everything but that disco ball were Y2K-ready. Oh, now they're showing pictures of the "Star Trek" casino in Las Vegas. Make that TWO things that I want to be not Y2K-ready next time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Anal bleeding Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 06:15:19 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.med, Don Saklad (dsaklad@zurich.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > ?1. You have a bit of blood on the paper when wiping... > > ?2. Or you have a bit of blood in the water... > > ?3. Or you have more than a bit of blood... > > ?4. It could be a hemorrhoid... > > ?5. Or it could be something else... > > 6. In each case what would be advisable?... Good librarians of soc.libraries.talk, See, Don Saklad really is interested in at least one thing other than the Boston Public library's conspiracy to conceal their finances from him. Now we know that not only is he interested in the Boston Public Library, but he has a bloody butt! That's two things. Unless the Boston Public Library shot him with their secret bleeding-butt ray. -- K. DON, WHEN BLOOD IS COMING OUT OF RANDOM BODY ORIFICES, ASKING USENET WHAT TO DO IS GOING TO GET YOU A LOT OF MAIL SAYING "HAVE YOU CONSIDERED SHOWING YOUR BUTT TO A DOCTOR AND ASKING THE DOCTOR WHAT TO DO?" I think you can find Doctress Neutopia over in alt.society.neutopia. Please show her your butt. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.chem,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: pineapple flavor Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 08:07:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.chem, Lloyd R. Parker (lparker@emory.edu) wrote: > > Tim Shanley (shanley@hunterlink.net.au) wrote: > > > > on this topic, does anyone know of any sites with lists of esters > > and their corresponding flavours/fragrances? > > No, but books often list some. > > Here are some from "Chemistry & Society": > > isopentyl acetate = banana > isopentyl pentanoate = apple > butyl butanoate = pineapple > isobutyl propionate = rum > isobutyl formate = raspberry > benzyl butanoate = roses > > And a few more from Bettleheim & March: > > ethyl formate = rum > octyl acetate = orange > ethyl butyrate = pineapple > methyl butyrate = apple > methyl anthranilate = grape > methyl salicylate = wintergreen Those are highly incomplete! Here are the corrected versions: isopentyl acetate + tons of yellow dye = banana isopentyl pentanoate + tons of green dye = apple butyl butanoate + tons of yellow dye = pineapple isobutyl propionate + caramel color = rum isobutyl formate + fluorescent blue dye = raspberry isobutyl formate + fluorescent red dye = red raspberry isobutyl formate + fluorescent green dye = wildberry isobutyl formate + fluorescent black dye = black raspberry isobutyl formate + non-fluorescent blue dye = blueberry benzyl butanoate + a hint of pink dye = roses ethyl formate + caramel color = rum isobutyl propionate + ethyl formate = double rummy octyl acetate + tons of orange dye = orange ethyl butyrate + tons of yellow dye = pineapple butyl butanoate + ethyl butyrate = something I would never eat methyl butyrate + tons of green dye = apple isopentyl pentanoate + methyl butyrate = snapple methyl anthranilate + purple dye that turns green in your intestine = grape methyl salicylate + antimatter = wintergreen that makes sparks when you bite it I humbly offer the secret formulas above as my gift to mankind, in an effort to encourage the Pez company to make some more flavors. Hey, you left cherry off the list! And let me tell you, there ain't no way artificial pineapple could ever compete with cherry Pez! (Cherry Pez are so highly addictive they're not allowed to sell them in the United States!) -- K. That reminds me, I need to go to Canada again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: my Y2K New Year's wacky Web page Date: Fri, 31 Dec 1999 08:47:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com If you're reading this before the end of New Year's Day: http://www.world.com If you're reading this after New Year's Day: http://www.world.com/index-1900.shtml (It's running as the site's home page for the weekend only, and after then only the second URL will give you the interesting page.) I threw it together really fast. And yes, all the typography is SUPPOSED to look like Donald Knuth did it. -- K. Also, if you want to see a different style of antique Web page, I found the site's home page from 1994 (designer unknown) in our version control system, and it's at http://www.world.com/1994.html ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: my Y2K New Year's wacky Web page X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 00:09:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > http://www.world.com/index-1900.shtml > > > > And yes, all the typography is SUPPOSED to look like Donald Knuth did it. > > And the spelling is supposed to look like T. Herman Zweibel did it. I'm still mad at him for never writing any lyrics to "This Is The Theme To Garry Shandling's Show". Also there was that time he was trapped in an elevator with Dick Van Dyke until he became an alcoholic. > But it doesn't matter because as soon as another ISP webguy gets wind of > it, he'll rip it off in a most un-honorable way. Yeah, I'm sure I'll see bootleg copies of it everwhere next time a century ends, provided they come up with a New Improved Y2.1K Bug that makes clocks jump back 200 years. > ow my eye. The screen version's a little fuzzy, ain't it? -- K. WAAH! NOW NICK BENSEMA WILL HAVE POOR EYESIGHT ALL BECAUSE OF ME! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Six young Americans to spend week in bunker X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 00:53:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com While catching up with The Late News, I found: > > NEW YORK, Dec 25 (AFP) - If the world comes crashing down at the > threshold of the new millennium, six young Americans chosen by the > musical channel MTV for a special project may be the lucky > survivors. Oh, great. The world will be repopulated by fans of Britney Spears, Ricky Martin, and Pauly Shore. > If, on the other hand, the world decides to hang on, the channel > may have pulled off a big publicity stunt. WOW! MTV HAS NEVER DONE A PUBLICITY STUNT BEFORE! ESPECIALLY NOT ONE INVOLVING SIX YOUNG AMERICANS LIVING IN A FREE HOUSE ON TV!!! > Obviously banking of the latter scenario, MTV will put three men > and three women in a makeshift bunker in the basement on New York > Times Building Sunday for a seven-day monitored survival > experiment. Then they will be killed. Please? > Their new digs will offer bare-bones accommodations with no > windows to the outside world. > But every minute of their stay, except for private moments in > the bathroom, will be broadcast to the channel's web site, MTV.com. (Chuck Berry already bought exclusive rights to the other stuff.) > "Of course, this is absolutely not bomb-proof. It is > entertainment first," said Kim Morgan, producer of the program. WHAT? AN ENTERTAIMENT PROGRAM ISN'T BOMBPROOF? OH NO! Scientists are currently working to make Kevin Costner's next movie bombproof, but one of them just gave up, saying "You can't bombproof or polish a turd." > "But people can learn a lot from the Bunker Project." Like how to survive the next Y2K. Wasn't The Bunker Project the ill-fated attempt by Alan Parsons to do a music video with Carroll O'Connor? > The new survivalists will feast on the army's MREs (Meals Ready > to Eat) It's mean of MTV to promote teen bulimia by showing people eating rancid pre-chewed spaghetti and then immediately vomiting all over. I've had MREs. They are exquisitely vomitrocious. It's good that they retired Ham Slice. Now if only they're retire all the others. The Army could just get cans of Slim-Fast or something. > and listen to instructions proffered by real military > experts in survival techniques. > The instructors will, in turn, write performance reports about > their trainee's ability to survive Doomsday, which will be immediate > posted on the Internet. So, then, after the world blows up, we can all logon to the Internet to learn how to do it better next time. > A psychiatrist will be on hand to regularly assess the > survivalists' mental health. And that psychiatrist's name is... PHILIP ZIMBARDO!!! > And, a 100-strong MTV crew will forgo the holidays in a bid to make > the project a success. > "The Project Bunker combines voyeurism with reality television > and online audience participation to create an entirely new form of > entertainment," argued Allie Eberhardt, artistic director for > MTV.com. She then lost the argument. > The bunker extravaganza will end on January 1, 2000, when the > six will emerge to see daylight after seven days cyberspace > publicity. Okay, everyone, time to get out the monkey-suit joke AGAIN. > They will still have a chance to catch the end of a big New > Year's bash on New York's Times Square, according Morgan. > "I mean, if the world is still around," she added. I hear Geraldo's spending the day hiding inside Al Capone's vault. -- K. To set the digital clock on the side of the Eiffel Tower, did someone have to climb up to the top and hold down a tiny button in the tip until the clock advanced to the right time? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My midnight +1 picosecond post X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 05:45:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > And I don't care what Kibo sez, I think watching the different world > celebrations each hour has been kind of cool. Hey, I *wanted* to see 'em, it's just that I'm mad that they only showed about 15 seconds of each one (except for a few biggies like London and Washington D.C.) and the commentators WOULD NOT SHUT UP while the people were singing and dancing. And then they'd go to Times Square for 45 minutes. And never, ever was the camera pointed where I would want to point it if I were holding it. -- K. I mean, they never showed any closeups of orange cones. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Holy instavid, Batman! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 06:53:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com CNN just showed a commercial for a home video of the "best of" their millennium coverage, "24 hours of celebrations" edited down to one short tape. Of course, those 24 hours haven't even all happened yet (there are still about three to go) and... the commercial says... "Coming January 3rd to video and DVD." Wait, wait. Do they mean this will actually be in stores on the day after end of the celebrations (5 a.m. January 2nd my time)? I sort of doubt that. They must simply mean they'll send the tape to the duplication house on the 3rd. But even so, that only gives them one day to edit 24 hours of footage down to the length of the tape (I don't know if it's 30 minutes, 120 minutes, or what, but you gotta agree, it's kind of hard to do a good editing job where you pick the best of 24 hours of material and re-edit it within 24 hours. I mean, they won't be able to watch it all.) Then again, who could? -- K. *I'm* taping all but the first hour. But I think I'll erase it so that I won't be tempted to force my grandchildren to watch it every year. P.S. Isn't CNN actually supposed to be continuing their live 24-hour coverage for _100_ hours? Will those extra 76 hours be released as a sequel video? Will half of it be about the Atlanta Braves? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Short, Shameful Confession X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 07:59:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > Checking my websites tonight after midnight, I found one of > them trumpeting the date as "Jan 1, 1910". > > I'm sorry. I'll never make fun of anyone again. Hmm. It's probably printing the first two dates of ctime()'s year, which is now "100" (it returns year minus 1900, not year modulo 100. So it's sort of barely Y2K-compliant in a really stupid way.) You'll see a lot of things printing "19100" this year if they're calling ctime() and not realizing that it can return numbers past 99. Basically, a lot of things that are computing the date with a Y2K-aware function (like ctime()) may still show goofy stuff because, hey, programs show goofy stuff if you look at them funny. If you're using something like to make that datestamp on your Web site, look up strftime() to see what can do for you. (If you're not using Apache, then you'll just have to suffer.) -- K. I can't wait to see what all our Web sites look like in mid-2037. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Y 2 "Yes, And?" Date: Sat, 1 Jan 2000 08:33:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com > Subject: New millennium dawns across the world as bug fails to bite > > LONDON, Jan 1 (AFP) - Spectacular celebrations united millions > of people across the globe on Saturday, as the new millennium was > ushered in untroubled by computer failures, terrorist attacks or > mass suicides. There's still time! There are still 999.99 years left to ruin the millennium for everyone! I just gotta find one of those Hanna-Barbera villains who wants to sabotage the space program (because there are plenty of problems here on Earth!) and convince him to blow up the millennium to remind people that there is bad stuff that needs to be dealt with. Including cartoony supervillains. Very poorly animated cartoony supervillains. > Preparations for the historic date had been overshadowed in many > parts of the world by fears that the so-called millennium bug could > shut down computer systems or that extremist groups could exploit > the symbolism of the moment. But we foiled them by taping the newspaper recycling bins in Boston shut! Any terrorist who could make a deadly bomb is unable to comprehend the mysteries of how to penetrate a piece of sticky tape! > But as fireworks and the traditional rendition of Auld Lang Syne > marked midnight GMT in London's Millennium Dome, directly over the > Greenwich Meridian, half the globe from the Pacific islands > westwards had seen in the New Year in relative safety. > The midnight sky above the British capital was lit up Saturday > by a spectacular display of pyrotechnics, when on the stroke of > midnight, more than 40,000 fireworks were set off in a > carefully-coordinated movement along a five-kilometre (three-mile) > stretch of the River Thames. Hmm, it was "four-mile" on CNN. I really like the idea of "setting the Thames on fire", as they kept describing it. Even though they FAKED it, the fireworks were pretty nice, though. And those must've been damn big lasers they had shining on the uncertified-for-human-occupancy ferris wheel! Fun fact: When Ferris invented the big wheels (in the United States), he conceived them as a weapon of war -- in the Civil War, he figured you'd be able to ride one, fire your rifle at the enemy from the top, and then reload as it went around. > Queen Elizabeth, Prime Minister Tony Blair, his pregnant wife > Cherie and thousands of others toasted each other with champagne at > the dome, the showcase of festivities in London. Oh, pregnant women drinking alchoholic beverages. That's exactly the sort of thing that could make Y2K seem tacky! > One hour earlier Paris brought in the millennium with an > explosion of light and sound that made the Eiffel Tower appear to > take off like a rocket and shook the entire city to its > foundations. I didn't realize that was what it was supposed to be. The fireworks were pretty nice, though. The big digital clock on the front of it was so lame. I'm glad they didn't put one of those on the Parthenon or Big Ben. > With three minutes to go before midnight, the base of the > century-old structure exploded in a white star-burst, as the first > of 20,000 flash-bulbs and 5,000 fireworks erupted in in a > synchronized frenzy. "synchronized frenzy" should be an Olympic event. > Traditional street parties and hi-tech firework displays > captured the imaginations of revellers in Madrid, Rome, Vienna, > Berlin and in towns and villages across the continent. > On a truly global night of celebration while 700,000 Swedes > braved freezing temperatures to attend a open-air party in > Stockholm's old town the citizens of Kinshasa, capital of the > war-torn Democratic Republic of Congo greeted midnight with bongoes > and cries of "Bonana." BANANA! BANANA! BANANA! orange. ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN'T SAY BANANA? > Most police forces in Europe reported that crowds had been well > behaved during what was seen as a family event. I noticed here that lots of people had little kids with them, and a lot of the tots weren't wearing hats while they stood around for hours in the below-freezing weather. (The weather was very clear all day, a nice 40 Fahrenheit around lunchtime, but after dark it got really cold. My camera kept thinking the batteries were dead and I had to swap the one that was keeping warm in my pocket for the one that was freezing several times. I need to get a heated camera. Does anyone else remember the Polaroid Cold Clip?) > The only major outbreaks of violence took place in Denmark where a > skirmish between stone-throwing leftist youths and Copenhagen police > lead [sic] to four arrests, Of youths or of police? You're not giving me all the information I need! > and the now traditional spate of arson attacks on parked cars in Paris They should do something different for once. Like a spate of arson attacks on moving cars. > and some regional French towns. > In Tromso, Norway, a man died when he fell from a rock while > watching fireworks. > After the enthusiasm in Europe, Sub-Saharan Africa, the Pacific > and much of Asia a strong dose of politics and religion intervened > as the Middle East only partially joined in the festivities. > In Bethlehem in the West Bank, 2,000 doves soared into the air > to the crackling of fireworks I liked the one that was desperately trying to escape the rockets that were shooting right through the cloud of doves, and the bird flew into the camera lens! BOY, I BET THAT BIRD IS SO EMBARASSED NOW! Unless he got roasted by one of the rockets. > in an unprecedented party for the Palestinians, coinciding as it did > with the night-time feasting of the final Friday of Ramadan. > In Israel rumours were rife that Christian sects could perform a > mass suicide, but as midnight passed Jerusalem, in the grip of the > Jewish sabbath, was one of the quietest cities on the planet. > The other main celebration in the Middle East was in Egypt, > which ushered in its eighth millennium with a "cyberconcert" by > French musician Jean-Michel Jarre at the pyramids. > Elsewhere the overwhelmingly Muslim Middle East largely turned > its back on the festivities, with a Saudi prayer leader sternly > warning that it was strictly forbidden to mark the occasion. > Further west in Moscow's Red Square, at least 50,000 revellers > digested the surprise of President Boris Yeltsin's resignation > earlier in the day and gathered to see fireworks lighting up the sky. > The nuclear energy systems of Russia and Ukraine passed the > critical date-change without any problems, Russian Energy Minister > Yevgeny Adamov said. > In Colorado Springs, where the United States and Russia are > monitoring each other's missile systems for possible Y2K glitches, > Russian Colonel Sergey Kaplin said Yeltsin's resignation showed that > Moscow was not concerned about Y2K problems. Or maybe Yeltsin WAS! Of course, most Russians were probably more worried about the Drunken Frail Old Nutty Leader Problem than about the Y2K Problem. > But the goodwill which brought Russians out into the streets in > Moscow did not extend to their forces in Chechnya which continued to > bombard Grozny, capital of the breakaway republic, reported an AFP > photographer situated 10 kilometres (7 miles) from the city. At one point during the Y2K status checks today it was reported that Russian missile launches were detected, but then the Pentagon was relieved to realize that the Russians were just bombing the crap out of people they consider their own citizens again. I am not making this up. > The New Year had got underway hours earlier, on tiny, > uninhabited Millennium Island, off Kiribati, and moved across the > South Pacific to be welcomed by vast crowds packing cities across > New Zealand, Australia and East Asia. The ceremonies they had in Kiribati (aka Kiribas) and New Zealand were the ones I found the most interesting. They weren't tacky displays of fireworks-just-like-all-the-other-fireworks with a virtual orchestra and laser-art doodling. They were brief tribal ceremonies where the emphasis was on the _meaning_ of the event they were celebrating, the passing of time and the continuity of tradition. > In Auckland the new century's first baby, a boy, was reportedly born "Mr. Smith, we looked over your employment application and we discovered you lied about having been born! Get out of here and don't come back until after your birth!" > and not even looming clouds could hold back the biggest > crowds Sydney has ever seen for a massive 3.8 million-dollar > firework display. Those Aussies have some nerve. First they design an _opera_ house shaped like an origami shuriken, with no straight lines and absolutely no surfaces with less than a forty-five degree slope, and then they make people _dance_ on top of it. > The scene was repeated across East Asia as millions took to the > streets of Tokyo, Manila, Seoul, Hong Kong, Beijing, Bangkok, > Singapore, Taipei and Kuala Lumpur for parties, fireworks > extravaganzas and official ceremonies. > In New Delhi, gloom over the hijacking of an Indian Airlines jet > turned to euphoria with the release of all 160 hostages in Kandahar > in Afghanistan hours before midnight. > In the Americas meanwhile, five million party-goers were waiting > their turn on the beaches of Rio de Janeiro. "I'm sorry, but due to the crowding, you have to go to the beach in alphabetical order." > New Yorkers, however, did not wait to start their party: it was > in full swing at the city's Times Square 24 hours before midnight there. More than that if you count the sparks coming up from welding the manhole covers shut last week as fireworks. The most interesting celebratory mechanisms I've heard of today: 1. Somewhere in Northern Europe (I forget where) they celebrated the transition from "the age of steel" to "the age of information" by dumping a ton of molten steel into the freezing ocean. 2. In Las Vegas, they didn't just drop a ball -- they dropped "a human ball" from the top of their fake Eiffel Tower. (Which didn't have a digital clock on the side of it.) -- K. I was going to say something about the human ball being Hitler's, but if I mentioned Hitler the millennium would end early and it would be 3000 A.D. tomorrow, and that would probably make postage rates go up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "..." (What wonderful times we live in) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 2 Jan 2000 10:09:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > "By 2000 ... rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and > converted into candy" > - Science Digest, 1967 So THAT'S why edible underwear always tastes like plastic made before 1967. -- K. Horror I hope never to witness: The Colonel's Extra-Crispy Underwear.