Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "..." (What wonderful times we live in) X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 2 Jan 2000 10:09:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > "By 2000 ... rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and > converted into candy" > - Science Digest, 1967 So THAT'S why edible underwear always tastes like plastic made before 1967. -- K. Horror I hope never to witness: The Colonel's Extra-Crispy Underwear. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: For those of you who missed anything during vacation... Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 08:10:15 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com If you missed alt.religion.kibology while you were away last week, you can see everything I posted lately at http://www.kibo.com/rawdata (NOW EVEN LESS Y2K-COMPLIANT! LOOK AT IT IF YOU DARE!) The files 99-12-28.txt (the bottommost one) and 99-01-03.txt (the topmost one) contain the stuff I posted on and around Christmas and New Y2kear's Day. AND NOW I SHALL NEVER NEED TO USE THE WORD "Y2K" AGAIN!!! In related news: I've declared the Orange Cone contest closed (on Dec. 31) but haven't had a chance to judge it and compose a page of winners yet. Soon. This year's Christmas and Y2K-related Spot story, Einstein story, and episodes of "The Special Show!" are all archived at http://www.kibo.com/kibofic as well as in the "Raw Data" archive, depending on whether you want to see the text in text format or formatted text format. BOY, DID THAT SENTENCE SOUND STUPID! BUT NOT AS STUPID AS: ...the text in text format or formatted text format AND IT'S Y2K RIGHT NOW!!! -- K. I'll be so glad at the end of January when it stops being Y2K and old computers will start working again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: News!!! Of!!! The!!! Unimportant!!! Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 09:30:23 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com > Prison Inmate Sews Eyes, Lips Shut > > CONCORD, N.H. (AP) -- A prison inmate sewed his eyes and lips > shut with dental floss because he feared the new year, officials said. Well, that's as good a reason as any. > New Hampshire State Prison guards found the inmate, who was > serving time for cocaine possession, covered in baby powder and > clutching a Bible on Friday night, said Mark Wefers, chief of > internal investigations at the prison. Didn't William Shatner's seminal novel "Believe." include a scene where a medium was able to read minds after covering her entire body with baby powder? > ``The inmate told corrections officers he was in fear of the new > year,'' Wefers said. > The prisoner, whose name wasn't released, used needles that > guards found in his cell. It was not clear where he got the > needles. > The inmate suffered some blood loss, but not enough to warrant a > trip to the hospital. He was being held at the prison for > psychological and medical evaluation. GEE, I HOPE IT DOESN'T TURN OUT THAT HE'S CRAZY. Meanwhile: > Indian hospitalised in UAE after swallowing false teeth > > ABU DHABI, Jan 2 (AFP) - An Indian in the United Arab Emirates > was admitted to hospital in the first few hours of the new > millennium after he swallowed his false teeth while breaking the > Ramadan fast, a newspaper said Sunday. And the sad part is, because teeth don't count as food, he could have swallowed them DURING Ramadan and it would have been okay! The big question is, is porcelain halal? Note to self: Next April Fool's Day switch all the stickers on the halal and kosher meats at the supermarket. "HA HA! YOU'RE EATING SOMETHING WHICH CONTAINS NO PORK FOR THE WRONG REASON!" (DOT DOT DOT!) And meanwhile: > Cat sparks bug fear in Iran Well, stop rubbing kitty the wrong way! Every kid learns fast that rubbing the cat's fur backwards can make sparks. Plus claw marks and huge gouges in your flesh. > TEHRAN, Jan 2 (AFP) - The Iranian city of Ahar was plunged into > darkness for half an hour at midnight on December 31 -- but it was > not the much-hyped millennium computer bug that was to blame, as > everyone initially presumed. > A kitten had crept into the power station in the northwestern > city in the last minutes of 1999 and caused a power cut, the Kayhan > newspaper reported Sunday. > Iranian officials say no problems connected to the millennium > bug were reported on the night of Friday to Saturday throughout the > country. The article ends there before answering the Six W's Of Responsible Journalism (Who, What, Where, When, Why, and Whow.) They don't tell us whether the kitty pressed a bunch of buttons on the computer (WARNING! CAT-LIKE TYPING DETECTED!) or just chewed through one of the eighth-inch-thick cables which carry all the electricity for Iran, they don't tell us how the fried cat smelled, they don't say how the cat got past security or what its motives were. They fail to list the cat's next of kin or even to tell us if it was a Persian cat. (DOT DOT DOT!) Also meanwhile: > Voters Want More Beanie Babies But I don't have any Beanie Babies yet. Is the government going to require me to buy some so that they can require me to buy more? THIS IS AN UNUSUALLY DUMB PUBLIC REFERENDUM EVEN FOR CALIFORNIA! > CHICAGO (AP) -- The people have spoken, and to no one's surprise > they want more Beanie Babies. Excuse me, Associated Press, but you misspelled CHICAGO (AP) -- The people have spoken, and it sounded like this: "DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH!" (DOT DOT DOT!) And, yet meanwhile: > South Korean prison inmates allowed to grow hair The guards are just hoping they'll pull it out and use it to sew their mouths shut. (DOT DOT DOT!) Also in the world of hairy news: > Man's Hair Follicles Grow On Woman's Forearm After Transplant The key part is the "After Transplant", to distinguish this from any OTHER articles about men's hair growing on women's arms. -- K. These news articles came from ClariNet and the newspaper that they used to wrap my jar of Vietnamese pickled lotus rootlets in Chinatown. These are the kind that always have the two carrot slices shaped like flowers carefully positioned at exact opposite sides of the jar. Mmm, rootlety. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Ooh, the bug has struck, and I'm SOOO scared! Date: Mon, 3 Jan 2000 10:48:55 GMT Organization: HappyNet Headquarters > Page Report > 12/26/99-1/01/100 > > WEEK TOTAL > Total Hits Total Bytes > > 47812 445235574 Hmm, the number of hits on www.kibo.com is down to about half what it usually is. Maybe that's because not many people have Web browser programs way back now, in this modern year 100. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go visit Emperor Trajan and tell him that he's going to have the world's most beloved lettering, EVER, on his tombstone in about 13 years, and that he should adopt "JWUZ" as his middle name to be kind to future typeface designers. -- K. Wake me when the Middle Ages are over. I don't want to buy any leather mugs for mead. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ooh, the bug has struck, and I'm SOOO scared! Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 02:07:12 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > tootphase > > This is my favorite word now. > > "Tootphase, everyone! Time for the Toonerville Choo Choo!" I don't like being trapped in this tootphase. It's worse than even the Hobart Phase. I'm going to cancel out the tootphase right now with a complimentary waveform: WOW THAT QUEEN ELIZABETH SURE IS GOOD AT WAVING! LOOK AT HOW EFFORTLESS IT IS FOR HER TO WAVE! SO SUBTLE AND NON-THREATENING! GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! RIGHT NOW! -- K. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ooh, the bug has struck, and I'm SOOO scared! Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 02:02:56 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp [sorry if you already saw this, I had to repost it once or twice, most likely twice, to remove a typo that Matt McIrvin enjoyed] Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hmm, the number of hits on www.kibo.com is down to about half what it > > usually is. Maybe that's because not many people have Web browser > > programs way back now, in this modern year 100. > > GREETINGS FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE YEAR OF 19100. > IN OUR PERFECT SOCIETY, THE WEB BROWSER HAS ABANDONED > PHYSICAL INSTRUMENTALITY. WE FEEL IT AS A SOFT BREEZE. > YOUR PUNY "MANKIND" HAS BEEN REPLACED BY A REVERBERATING > MULTIPLEX OF PURE LIQUID INFORMATION IN THE FORM OF > POORLY WRITTEN PERL SCRIPTS. Get out of the city, cousin, don't be ree-diculous! Everyone knows that in the distant future Perl will be extinct because everyone will use ADA, the language of the future! I know because the government has required all programs to be written in ADA since 1983! And they require ADA-powered wheelchair lifts on public buses, and even my toothpaste has a logo on the tube to indicate it's ADA-compliant! SO TAKE YOUR FUNNY PERL LANGUAGE WHICH IS EASY TO USE AND THEREFORE MUST NOT BE ANY GOOD AND GO LEARN HOW TO USE ADA, THE ONLY PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS COBOL! > HERE, HAVE AN ERGONE VERTEX FOR HEALTH AND GLOWING HEAT. WHY ARE YOU TYPING IN CAPITALS? IT'S ANNOYING. OH I GET IT YOU HAVE ABANDONED PHYSICAL INSTRUMENTALITY SO YOU CAN'T PUSH YOUR CAPS LOCK KEY! I THINK I'LL KEEP TYPING IN CAPITALS UNTIL I "DROP MY BODY" TOO. -- K. New slogan for alt.religion.kibology: Abandon Your Physical Mentality. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I made _Suck_ again. Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 01:40:53 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp http://www.suck.com/daily/2000/01/03/daily.html _Suck_ magazine has linked to my pages of action-figure photos again (for the first time since they did back in the 1900s last month): > As James "Kibo" Parry observes, > "Sometimes you love a celebrity > so much that you wish he or she > would be dipped in plastic then > shrunk down to tiny size and > enclosed in an airtight box so > you could own him or her." The word "observes" is linked to http://www.kibo.com/photos/toys_2_action_figures/ I like _Suck_'s editorial style: Verbs are usually linked to other pages. Proper nouns usually aren't. I mention this simply as a way of encouraging myself to get up off my butt and put up the remainder of my enormous collection of photos of dumb toys (including lots of Jar Jar and Barbie photos.) I need to do that sometime because I've noticed that in the rare cases when I get hate mail about my Web site, it's either because (a) I insulted someone's super-awesome WebTV, or, more likely, (b) they used a Web search engine to look for the keywords "DARTH VADER ACTION FIGURE" and were disappointed that someone was allowed to have a Web page OPENLY MOCKING OUR HERO DARTH VADER AND HIS LITTLE DOLL!!! -- K. If you're really good, someday I'll let you folks see a list of the Web search engine queries that people have been using to find my site. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I made _Suck_ again. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 06:58:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ben Wolfson (rumjuggler@home.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I like _Suck_'s editorial style: Verbs are usually linked to other pages. > > Proper nouns usually aren't. > > proper nouns linked in that article: > > Barbie (multiple times) LA Dodgers NY Yankees > Chicago Cubs Coca-Cola Rosie O'Donnell > Evel Knievel OJ Simpson Linus the Lion-Hearted > Jeeves Wheaties US Patent 5607336 > > verbs linked in that article: > > Observes WHICH PART OF THE WORD "USUALLY" DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND? -- K. SHEESH, YOU ALWAYS TAKE THE SIDE OF SUCK! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I made _Suck_ again. Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 01:59:35 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp [warning: article contains extra-long lines, so make your window really wide, or if you're using a WebTV, make your TV screen wider by pulling really hard] Half an hour ago, I wrote: > > If you're really good, someday I'll let you folks see a list of the Web > search engine queries that people have been using to find my site. OKAY, YOU'VE BEEN REALLY GOOD. I'LL DO IT NOW! While looking through my logfile, I see: Someone just visited www.kibo.com via a link from http://ink.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=blow+job+galleries%2C+mpeg&hc=0&hs=0 ...because that query returns my "What's New?" page as the topmost item, because the stupid search engine sees "The late Alexander Abian was the guy who wanted to *blow* up the Moon..." "I've been too distracted by my new *job* to do much lately..." "I added two more *galleries* of dumb action figures..." "...adding the gigantic *MPEG* of Bob Hope's head injury..." I think this is an amusing example of how bozotic search engines are. The pornographers try so hard to make their pages get listed above everyone else's by saying "PORN PORN PORN PORN PORN PORN" and my completely innocent page just happened to get listed above all the porn sites... when someone was actually looking for porn. Other good searches people did that took them to www.kibo.com: http://auto.search.msn.com/autosearch/as_paneresults.asp?cfg=SMCAUTOSEARCH&v=1&MS=0&e=ab&q=nounderwear Don't ask me why someone was asking Microsoft where to find "nounderwear" but it found me. http://click.hotbot.com/director.asp?id=1&target=http://www.kibo.com/rawdata/98-12-22.txt+&query=Trix+ceral&rsource=LCOSW1 Hmm, someone was looking for Trix "ceral". http://google.netscape.com/netscape?q=1+link+is+inside+the+blue+link+above+(very+very+very+rare+744+uncensored+pics)&start=0&sa=N Is it just me, or do people never search for anything but pornography, sugar-coated cereals, and naked pictures of Darth Vader action figures? http://google.netscape.com/netscape?query=apiary+and+Boston Okay, some people search for bees too. http://infoseek.go.com/Titles?qt=perey+teen+erotica&col=WW&oq=japanes+anime%7Cadalt+anime&pns=1&lk=noframes&st=20 http://infoseek.go.com/Titles?qt=punishment+AND+diapers&col=WW&sv=IS&lk=noframes&st=120 http://search.excite.com/search.gw?search=bikini+conetest&trace=1&src=nsl&sorig=netscape&chk=on http://ink.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=%22strange+positions%22+images&hc=0&hs=0 http://ink.yahoo.com/bin/query?p=non+web+restricted+porno+picture+sites&hc=0&hs=0 http://localhost:1234/Select?pg=http%3A//www.kibo.com/rawdata/99-03-14.txt&qt=sunburn+skin+bathing+suit+gif&op=2&preview=1 http://localhost:1234/Select?pg=http%3A//www.kibo.com/rawdata/99-04-07.txt&qt=beautifull+blue+aliens&op=2&preview=1 http://msn.directhit.com/fcgi-bin/DirectHitMSN.fcg?cmd=qry&qry=Nicole%20Kidman%20And%20Tom%20Cruise%20New%20Naked%20Video&rs=1&attrib=1 But the people who like bees are definitely the minority. There are one or two other things that searchers want to find: http://search.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=code+list+for+pockemon+blue+version http://search.msn.co.uk/results.asp?q="Religious+music""Parry""Jerusalem"&co=20&RS=CHECKED&FORM=SMCB&ba=0&v=1&CY=en-gb&Lng= http://www.go.com/Titles?webtv=true&col=WW&sv=W3&qt=passwords-glitches-goose+egges-back+doors&st=10 http://search.cnet.com/Infoseek/1,135,0,0200.html?QUERY=free+beer&COLL=WW I get a lot of hits on "Free Beer" because my Web site says "Free Beer". http://www.go.com/Titles?webtv=true&col=WW&sv=W3&qt=freebeer And I suppose WebTV users think you CAN get free beer to come out of your computer by typing in "freebeer". Here's a guy whose search engine not only was kind enough to inform me that he was searching for free beer, but it also told me what he had searched for immediately before: http://infoseek.go.com/?win=_search&sv=M6&qt=free+beer&oq=vaginal+contraceptives&url=http%3A//www.kibology.com/&ti=Kibo+%3A+Official+Home+Of+James+%22Kibo%22+Parry&top=1766 Some searches are just plain bizarre: http://search.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=hitler+license+tag+vx ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I made _Suck_ again. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 06:57:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Some searches [done by people who stumble across my Web site because > Web search engines act stupid] are just plain bizarre: > > http://search.aol.com/dirsearch.adp?query=hitler+license+tag+vx Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > I don't see how people can afford even 16-user hitler > licenses. It's like $5000! For 64 users, it's over $10,000! > Hitlers are expensive these days. Ron E., of no fixed E-mail address, wrote: > > That's why Richard Stallman is putting out a GNU-licensed Hitler > clone, currently named Stalin. It's invading Finland as we speak. I'll have you know that I talked to Richard Stallman two weeks ago (I photographed him asking our tech support department questions) and never once did he mention Hitler. Hey... could this be a SECRET HITLER? WATCH OUT FOR SECRET HITLER! HE MIGHT BE INVISIBLE, TOO! -- K. CHECK FOR INVISIBLE SWASTIKAS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Everybody says" Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 01:56:52 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp In sci.physics and alt.religion.kibology, "john baez" (baez@charity.ucr.edu) wrote: > > Tom Jackson (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning the Magna Carta] > > > > Sci.physic.research (moderated)has a non existant vocabulary having no > > independent thoughts to add to the popular science. > > Yeah, that newsgroup sucks. I wouldn't bother posting to it if I were you. At least the moderators are very good about sending out refunds when they reject articles. After I submitted my theory of how The Pentagon Is Full Of Hexagons, I not only got all the postage on my article returned -- with interest -- but they threw in a McDonalds gift certificate, good for a small order of fries! I'm gonna keep posting to sci.physics.research until I get rich! > > John I am not > > claiming you are unamerican, just have not recognized your independance > > from England ands its language. > > I supose I should follow your example and diclare my independance from > England ands its language. Wouldn't that involve blowing up the middle part of the peninsula? -- K. Gotta go, I'm trying to develop a way to extract quaternions from shampoo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y 2 "Yes, And?" X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 06:30:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > TV: "These are to be the last people wedded during the second millenium" Why didn't they wait ten seconds to be the FIRST people wedded during the GOOD millennium? Were they just that randy? RANDY RANDY RANDY!!! > Also, this article completely forgets to mention stuff that happened in > Finland, ie, not much. But! There was a big fire in a factory in Karkkila. > This wouldn't be very wacky, except that "Karkkila" means something along > the lines of "Candyville" or "Place of candy". RANDY RANDY CANDY!!! > Waaah! All the candy in the world burned down! Hooray! Candyland burned down! Now we have no need for these little cards with the super-rounded corners and the colored dot on the front suitable for children too small to count up to 2 or to have regular playing cards with ordinary rounded corners! Now if only someone could do something about tic-tac-toe. Hey, what do they call Tic-Tac-Toe in Finland? -- K. And what's the longest sentence you can say in Finland without using the letter K? What's the longest sentence you can say ONLY using the letter K? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Six young Americans to spend week in bunker X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 06:47:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > While catching up with The Late News, I found: > > > > [ snip ] > > > > > A psychiatrist will be on hand to regularly assess the > > > survivalists' mental health. > > > > And that psychiatrist's name is... PHILIP ZIMBARDO!!! > > Doctor Philip Zimbardo! We watched his videos in my > high school pyschology class. I don't actually remember > what they were about, I just remember the name. And that my > teacher thought he (Doctor Zimbardo, that is) looked like > Satan. The teacher even paused the tape and busted out his > overhead markers to draw horns on the TeeVee. The teacher > was a very strange man. Did he also draw big circles around the head of Dr. Joyce Brothers while playing the "circle anything bozotic" game? Dr. Philip Zimbardo (host of "Discovering Psychology" on PBS) made one and only one great experiment back when he was respected (before he was reduced to being a TV host): He locked all his grad students in the basement and gave half of them truncheons and police uniforms and took away all civil rights and human dignity from the others, then waited for the ones in charge to start abusing the ones who were totally powerless, then stopped the experiment a week later. There are actual films of "Zimbardo's Prisoner Experiment" you can see. I've seen 'em. The only psychology experiment committed to film which worried me more was "Milgram's Obedience Experiment". STANLEY MILGRAM: He got the answer wrong, YOU must shock him. YOU: Okay! GUY STRAPPED TO CHAIR: Please stop, I'm having a heart attack! STANLEY MILGRAM: For the next question, turn the dial up past "LETHAL" to "X X X". YOU: Okay! GUY STRAPPED TO CHAIR: For the love of God, please help me! STANLEY MILGRAM: What are two plus seven? GUY STRAPPED TO CHAIR: Duh... three? STANLEY MILGRAM: That is wrong. Shock him. YOU: Okay! (The GUY STRAPPED TO CHAIR keels over dead.) STANLEY MILGRAM: He is being uncooperative. You must shock him again. YOU: But he's hurt. STANLEY MILGRAM: You MUST shock him again. YOU: Okay! Milgram, being the ethical and humane researcher, "debriefed" the experimental subjects by telling them something like "The guy was just pretending here's your five dollars bye!" and slamming the door behind them after reducing them to tears by demonstrating that anyone will kill sweaty fat guys with bad hearts if a guy in a white lab coat tells them to. He did this with quite a few people (the sweaty guy gave the same death scene every time, and some of the experimental subjects really did start crying as the experiment continued) and I'm not sure what the scientific value was, as there was nothing that could be measured and qualified. He just wound up with a film of a scientist torturing people by forcing them to torture people. Then there was Wilhelm Wundt and Little Albert. He demonstrated the generalization of conditioned responses by finding a toddler who had never seen a rat. He gave him a nice fluffy white rat to play with and the kid liked it because it was fuzzy. Then he fired a cap gun in the kid's ear every time he saw the rat. Not only did the kid start crying every time he saw the rat, but he also burst into tears whenever he saw anything else white and fuzzy, such as the face of Santa. One of my psychology textbooks ended the description with the chilling sentence "After the experiment, nobody knows what happened to Little Albert." SANTA CLAUS: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! ALBERT EINSTEIN: WAAAAAH!!!!! SANTA CLAUS: And here's your present -- a fluffy white puppy! SPOT: Yap! Yap! ALBERT EINSTEIN: WAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!! -- K. By the way, the modern code of ethics used by all the non-evil practitioners of experimental psychology includes stuff about how you may never, ever deceive your subjects in any way, to keep Milgram out of the loop. But I think it's still okay to make babies cry. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Watch as I operate my DEADLY DEEP FRYER! X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 08:22:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com When I got home from work today (circa 10:15 pm) I was hungry, so I cooked two boxes of frozen mixed non-carrot vegetables (the kind with the imitation butter slime which tastes even better than real butter) and ate them both. A few hours later, I was hungry again, and I realized I'd made a mistake by eating too much healthy food at once. So, for my next meal, I made myself a whole box of froxen shumai. And I didn't steam them, either. I deep-fried them. (Why do the Chinese steam most of their dim sum? Everything tastes better deep-fried!) After eating the dozen crispy little shumai, I was still hungry, and I had this panful of only slightly used hot oil. So I checked my freezer to see what else I should use up. In front was the remainder of a bag of cheap fake onion rings (the kind Burger King sells, filled with squishy white onion-and-vinyl-flavored wallpaper paste.) I figured I should get rid of those because I hate them, so I cooked them. And ate most of them. Then I saw that I had a single Chinese scallion pancake sitting in the freezer, the really good kind that has enough scallions in it to make it bright green, so I fried it and ate it too. Mmm, scalliony. It tasted so good I forgot to use any of my dumpling sauce. It is a rare thing to find a scallion pancake so green that it doesn't need the sauce to make it tasty. I'm still a little hungry but I'm tired of using the deep-fryer, so for desert I'm just going to eat this bag of chicken rinds. -- K. Rejoice for the Super 88 Super Market once again has chicken rinds! And the bags still say they won't be stale until October, 2999! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Does anyone else have dreams that are like "The Special Show!"? Date: Tue, 4 Jan 2000 08:46:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com So, anyway, I'm riding in the passenger seat as Mom is driving around the corner to her house in that gold-tone car she used to have, and we run over this basketball that's just sitting in the middle of the road. The basketball squishes really nice, looking like an orange ameba with tread marks across it, so while she's parking I go half a block back to where the basketball is and take a photo of it for my Web page. But after I've returned to the house I'm looking through all these disks (my current camera uses floppy disks) and I can't find the photo anywhere, and I'm feeling really frustrated because the photo of the wonderful dead basketball is missing, and then I look up at the picture window and I see a nuclear explosion. Cut to Peter Sellers sitting on a mound of rubble, not wearing shoes. He has something in each hand and looks sad. A guy comes up to him and says, "You look sad." Peter Sellers looks at the items in his hands and says, "All I have is this chicken salad... and this tuna fish... and I don't like either very much." Then he bends forward and takes a big bite of his right foot. And then I woke up two hours late for work because my alarm clock didn't go off, which I decided to say was due to Y2K. So, does anyone else ever have dreams that I should steal for "The Special Show!"? This one ranks right up there with the time I dreamed I was Harlan Ellison beating the librarian over the head with his largest book, and the time I dreamed I was George Bush getting beat up. Even though this one didn't have any violence in it, just a nuclear war and some minor cannibalism. I like it because it's what would happen if Rod Serling and Terry Southern were switched at birth, something I feel SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. -- K. Peter Sellers ate his foot, and now the bar has been raised for Charlie Chaplin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sensible computer advice from completely sane Apple Computer Inc. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 06:47:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Apple has just posted a perfectly serious warning explaining why it's not good for laptop computers to ever be anywhere inside an airplane: > Are there any other risks? > > If the cabin undergoes decompression, the PowerBook could be exposed to > extreme environmental factors. OH NO! THIS MEANS I'LL HAVE TO STOP USING MY COMPUTER AFTER THE PLANE EXPLODES! -- K. IT COULD DISRUPT MY WORK! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Positively the last millennium celebration: French caver has dates wrong Date: Wed, 5 Jan 2000 07:12:43 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In an article with the euphoniously Bumgartnerian Message-ID (Qmil-caveman-peopleURqO8_AJ4.RWfi_AJ4@clari.net), ClariNet disseminated: > > Positively the last millennium celebration: French caver has dates wrong > > GROTTE DE CLAMOUSE, France, Jan 4 (AFP) - Positively the last > millennium festivities were held Tuesday several dozen metres > underground in southern France by a caver who has got his timing > mixed up. The _last_? Ha! Dear AFP, I plan to celebrate the year 2000 in the year 2037. Now give me my news story or I'll sue you. > Michel Siffre has been conducting a body-clock experiment for > the last month for which he has deprived himself of all means of > gauging the time. And guess what? It turns out that the so-called "circadian rhythm" is about a day long! JUST LIKE THE LAST TWELVE TIMES PEOPLE WITH WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS DID THIS EXPERIMENT! AND ALL OF THEM WERE ATE NOTHING BUT CHEETOS AND BEER! > His surface team monitored him celebrating Christmas on December > 27 and he passed the real New Year's Day in silence. LIVE UNCENSORED WEBCAMS! WATCH NAKED FRENCH GUYS IN CAVES CELEBRATING NEW YEAR'S DAY ON THE WRONG DAY! HOT FRANCOPHONE SEX! -- K. NO WEIRDOS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 10:43:28 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Its reported frequently in archeology works that Neanderthal > man probably couldn't speak or had limited speaking ability > and that Homo Sapiens could talk. They can? Really? Okay, some of them can, I'll grant you that. But, George, just because you can talk, doesn't make you a Sapiens. > The accuracy of this is of course irrelevant to anyone but a pedant. Yeah, nobody but a pedantophile would care whether you're a Homo Sapiens. PLEASE EXCUSE THE LINE BREAK BUT IT DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY!!! > What ANYTHING is depends on who you are talking to and > what aspect of it you are talking about. To be right up > front, the theory shows that God is a "psychological factor". > The DIRECT CAUSE of God is in fact (despite common ignorance) > well known and has been well known since the time of Moses > and the Pharaohs. In modern terminology it is caused by > "incomplete growth" of the human being... no one ever reaches > their full height and weight. This means the BRAIN never > reaches full size. Because if it did, we'd be crushed under the weight of our own brains! > (all this is due obviously to the historical 'standard > of living'). Anyway, you don't need a physics lab to measure it.. Damn. I was just about to measure the standard of living here in my physics lab. Isn't the ISO standard something about how the average yearly annual income equals 153,620,000 wavelengths of an argon laser? > it can be seen with the naked eye.. PEOPLE, STOP WEARING CLOTHES ON YOUR EYES!!! TAKE OFF YOUR EYE PANTS NOW!!! > its the FIRST THING you notice about a person. > Highly developed (nearly full grown) people lead society > and occupy all the prominent positions, CEO's, Military > Brass, public Officials, Movie Stars, Sports Stars > etc. etc. on the low end of development you get all the > wimps, nerds, basket cases and people like me. I was going to disagree with that but then I read what it said. > What this means, is that this "growth curve deficit" see: > > http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/growth5.JPG > > (at my website) causes everyone to see "less than > reality" simply because 10% of their brain is missing. It certainly is if they've read your Web site carefully. > It also makes you think that there must be a "perfect or > 'normal' person) walking around somewhere. This person > we call "God". Obviously he is latent inside your own > body. OH NO GOD IS A LITTLE LEPRECHAUN WALKING AROUND INSIDE MY OWN BODY! I HOPE HE DOESN'T STEP ON MY INTESTINES! > Now, the object of life is to try and 'grow' this > complete person.. of course nobody ever succeeds in > doing it, thus "..no man hath seen God at any time". > However, this latent undeveloped brain (known as the > unconscious mind BTW) is what "controls" us and > causes our every action, or influences it certainly. > Now, evolutionarily speaking, there is the question > of "knowing" things.. this depends on intelligence. > It is doubtful that a clam "knows" anything. Certainly > a dog or a cat can't speak so they don't "think" in terms > of words like we do. So, at some point in evolution > we became able to "know that there was a God". I > put this at 33 Kyrs B.C. when Homo Sapiens arrived. I was going to elide the word "Kyr" but that could have led to a pun about "Kyrie elision" so instead I'll just elide the next page of text. > [...doo dah dah, doo dah dah...] > > [...oom pah pah, oom pah pah...] > > [...now returning to our program...] > > As you know from crystallography a simple cube has > 13-symmetry axes. (3-normals, 4-body diagonals, > 6-face diagonals = 13) You forgot to count the curved ones that squiggle around in the middle! > THIS, my theory shows, is because the BRAIN IS CUBIC. And you're a chip off the old block. head. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to elide more important text and skip ahead to where this article starts to get stupid. > [...doot doot doot doot doot...] > > It is a mathematical fact that a 4x4 can ONLY HAVE ONE > HIGHER ORDER FACTOR. Therefore, we have proved that > ALL OF PSYCHOLOGY, ends in a SINGLE FACTOR. Moreover, > as the beginning of this letter showed, we KN0W that it > is "Brain Development" that is causing the intercorrelation > of the 4x4 (i.e. WE KNOW HISTORICALLY THAT THE FACTOR IS > CAUSED BY GOD BEFORE WE EVEN FOUND IT). > Now however, WE HAVE ACTUALLY DISCOVERED THAT THERE IS > MATHEMATICALLY AND EXPERIMENTALLY, AN AXIOMATIC LAST > FACTOR. THEREFORE THE CONCLUSION IS THAT IT IS GOD (The > god of the Bible, or the God of history) > FINALLY, since Relativity tells us that the higher order > factor of Einstein spacetime 4x4 Metric is GRAVITY, we > see that Gravity is causing the higher order factor of the > 4x4 Psychometry Metric which is God. THEREFORE GRAVITY > CAUSES GOD. Let me just chalk that up on the blackboard where I'm writing all the contenders for the Nobel Prize For Having A Theory In All Caps: GRAVITY CAUSES GOD!!! <-- George "Cube-Brain" Hammond GOD HAS INERTIA!!! <-- Alexander "Moon Go Boom" Abian GOD IS A PENINSULA!!! <-- Archimedes "I Like Candy" Plutonium GOD IS A SEXY PSYCHIC PLANT!!! <-- Rob't "I'd Buy That For A Dollar" McElwaine PLEASE SEND ME PICTURES OF GOD FLOORING THE ACCELERATOR! PLEASE EXCUSE THE ALL CAPS, GOD DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY!!! <-- Accelerator "Desperate" Boy /\/\\/\\\\_^7i{f34~___--=god?--|||\\/\ <-- Manley "Neuron Salad" Hubbell > Now some will ask "WHAT GRAVITY". WHAT GRAVITY PERIOD. THAT WAS A QUESTION SEMICOLON. YOU'RE WELCOME BOZO. > This is an interesting point. Factor Analysis will not tell > you "what gravity" it only tells you it "is gravity". No, "it" is not gravity. "It" is what must be added to gravy to make gravity. > Apparently it cannot be Terrestrial Gravity, because that > is too weak, and it is a CONSTANT whereas God is a variable > mathematically. And you, sir, are one of those peanuts where you pop it open and it only has half a peanut inside, botanically. > Sir Roger Penrose has suggested (Shadows of the mind 1994) > that it is "Quantum Gravity" in the Brain that is collapsing > the QM wavefunction of mental operation. OBVIOUSLY THEN, > what we have discovered is PENROSE'S BRAIN GRAVITY. Excuse me, you're misreading your instruments. You're measuring John Pinette's gravity. > This scientific result is the ONLY KNOWN EXPERIMENTAL > CONFIRMATION OF PENROSE'S BRAIN GRAVITY THEORY. > FINALLY, OF COURSE...... IT IS THE SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF GOD. > (see my website, below) NO PROOF OF GOD HAS EVER BEEN ON THE WEB BEFORE! IT MUST BE TRUE! > ----------------------------------------------------------- > George Hammond, M.S. Physics > Email: ghammond@mediaone.net > Website: http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/index.html > ----------------------------------------------------------- And Robert McElwaine only has a B.S. so you must be a little saner than he is. -- K. Excuse me while I spell-check this article to make sure I called you a "chip off the old block" and not "chimp off the old block." Then wait another moment while I consider changing it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 08:59:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > robert lindsay wrote: > > > > > > >But, George, just because you can talk, doesn't make you a Sapiens. Hey, George, *I* was the one who said you were an unevolved protohuman, not Mr. Lindsay. See if you can figure out what those little ">"s mean. After all, if you can't understand a ">", how are we supposed to believe your mathematically sound proof that brains are cubical? > Please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. I like how your lines get a little shorter every time you repost that. Just think, George, if you keep it up, eventually you'll evolve to the point where you can say l a l a l a I a m p i c k i n g m y n o s e w i t h m y f o o t a l s o m y s p l e e n i s a t e t r a h e d r o n ...and then you'll win the Nobel Prize For Whitespace. -- K. Unless, of course, some other bozo already posted a sentence all in a column like that. Especially one that said you were picking your nose with your foot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:12:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > And I can tell you for a fact noted weather forecaster Roger Edwards > drinks warm flat diet dr. pepper from 2 liter bottle while forecasting. There's nothing wrong with that, except for the diet part. Just as long as it isn't caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, which is so icky that I have never even been in a state that sells it. Also, "flat" and "from a 2 liter bottle" are synonymous. CANS Can't taste anything but the fizz GLASS BOTTLES Just right, unless you slice your lip off PLASTIC BOTTLES Patented Insta-Flat(tm) technology And, of course, anything in a 3-liter bottle is BEYOND flat. This is because they want to rub it in that you're not manly enough to drink 3 liters in one sitting so it's your fault it went flat, but nobody realizes the stuff is flat even before you twist the cap off and throw it away. By the way, here's today's recipe from Kibo: Spicy barley that doesn't taste bland 1 box barley pilaf mix 1 packet Filipino caldereta mix circa 1/2 gal. bottled water Boil everything for a hellishly long time (to get the barley soft -- this is why I'm using a lot of water) and eventually eat it if you can. It will be rather spicy. But there's nothing like a double handful of caldereta powder to turn boring barley into WOW! NOW THAT'S BARLEY! -- K. IT TASTES LIKE A SUNBURN THAT NEVER ENDS! ONLY BETTER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 08:34:28 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > I'm not sure what you mean by this. > > > > --Terri > > Dear cheering fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. And, cheering fans, whatever you do, don't stick a "Followup-To" in there because CERTAIN PEOPLE with very square brains don't know about them. -- K. May I humbly suggest alt.sci.physics.plutonium? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 22:16:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: rec.org.mensa,alt.postmodern,misc.test George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > > > would junior high fast food two liners be OK? > > Dear cheering fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. You know, I think this may be the first time a proof of the existence of God has involved the Breidbart Index. -- K. I say Breidbart deserves the Nobel Prize. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 08:53:35 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: hammond.george.science.physics.stupid.macaroon.doidy.doidy.doidy In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...re his proof that human brains are perfect cubes...] > > No.. it's clearly a proof. It's based on 100 years of > experimental data (two decimal accuracy) in current > Psychometry. Wow, you can measure centuries accurate to within a hundredth of a year? That means you must know when Christmas is coming with an error of only plus or minus 3.6525 days! You're THAT close to being a genius! > [...] > > As "winner" of this scientific quest, I am entitled to > remind you that you do not have the authority to "tell > me what to do"... George... DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! HA! Now you can't do whatever you want because that would prove you were wrong! YOU ARE CAUGHT IN AN INESCAPABLE VORTEX OF INTERNET LOGIC! Now go say that funny sentence about polluting your baloney threads with high-school cafeteria one-liners. -- K. I predict we'll witness a classic Dan Sale moment in about two weeks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Thu, 6 Jan 2000 11:00:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > First, the opinion of any leading Physicist would be > adequate to tell us what this is.. say someone like > Richard Feynman, Roger Penrose, David Deutsch, or > any well known internationally recognized Physics authority. > [...] > Unfortunately you can't simply pick up the phone and call them. Really? I'm surprised. I'd think you'd be talking to Feynman all the time. Unless all his time is occupied appearing in those ads for Apple Computer Inc. It's the computer more dead people use than any other! > [...] > > So, in the mean time, the theory is awaiting some less > than "internationally recognized authority", but probably > someone who is HIGHLY MOTIVATED, to take a serious look > at it. With even a Bachelors degree you COULD evaluate > the theory if you really wanted to. So, who wants to? So Regis Philbin holds up the million dollars and yells "WHO WANTS TO READ GEORGE HAMMOND'S MANUSCRIPT?" and we hear crickets chirping for the other fifty-nine minutes and he gets to keep the money. > [...] > > Now, you might say.. why don't you publish it in the > refereed literature? Well, I HAVE published a preliminary > paper (Hammond 1994) but that paper only describes the > discovery of the Structural Model (my discovery of the 13-axis > Cubic structure at the 2nd order)... it DOESN'T mention the > 3rd and 4th order factors which is the discovery of the Proof > of God, which happened 3 years later in 1997. Problem is, you > CAN'T PUBLISH a paper claiming to be a scientific proof of > God. No reputable journal will even review it... (speaking very slowly) George... that's... why... they're... called... "reputable". > it goes straight into the waste basket the minute it arrives. So save the editors' time and mail them the manuscript already in a wastebasket. I bet they'll write you a nice thank-you note that you could then throw in your own wastebasket. Assuming you own one and don't just mail all your garbage to _Scientific American_. > So that means I have to write a book "WAAH! NOBODY LIKES ME! THAT MEANS I'M LEGALLY REQUIRED TO WRITE A BOOK!" > (and probably self publish it since no one would publish it either), So... NO ONE will publish your book... but YOU will publish the book... Are you that barber who cuts the hair of all barbers who don't cut their own hair? Or don't you get haircuts? > or get on the Internet and at least tell people who are > responsible and concerned about the discovery so that > THEY can at least look at it. If I got hit by a car tomorrow > the discovery could be lost for another 20 years. Unless the car backs up over you to make sure you won't come out of the coma. > BTW I have written a book and am working on getting it > published probably this year entitled: > THE SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF GOD > The copyright office in Washington told me I was the only one > in US copyright history to copyright the title. In fact, you're the only one to ever copyright a title. What song were you singing to yourself when they patiently explained to you that you can't copyright a title? You may want to read a book about copyrights, patents, and trademarks someday. If you're allowed in the grownup library. > It already appears in Bowkers Books In Print Oh, you printed your book on a bookmark? > although it hasn't been released yet. Big deal. I got an eponym in the _Oxford English Dictionary_ which hasn't been released yet for three years. I've had a nonexistent vanity publication longer than you! > At my age and in my position the flab hangs weirdly. > I could care less about selling books, I'm interested in saving the world. Too late, I already got the market cornered on that too. I'm the combination superhero and mad scientist who spends all day saving the world from MYSELF! > ----------------------------------------------------------- > George Hammond, M.S. Physics > Email: ghammond@mediaone.net > Website: http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/index.html > ----------------------------------------------------------- The rows of dashes that narrowly miss each side of your beautiful .sig make me wonder if Charles Addams is driving the Traskmobile today. -- K. P.S. And then later in the afternoon, Mr. Hammond wrote: > Please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafateria one liners. > Thanks so much. And in another article he came up with a clever space-saving version: > Please don't hack up this thread with > high school cafateria one liners. > Thanx so much. FOOD FIGHT!!!! I think "Please do not hack up this thread with high school cafateria one liners." is to "Take your sense of humor out of rec.org.mensa." what George Hammond is to rec.org.mensa. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 04:52:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > Dear raving fans.. please do not hack up this thread > > > with high school cafeteria style one liners. > > > Thank you. > > > > Whee, nothing beats a new meme. To death. > > "GEORGE HAMMOND-LIKE TYPING DETECTED!" Dear raving fans... please do not hack up this thread with high school cafeteria style American Chop Suey. FOOOOOOOOOD FIGHT!!! GEORGE HAMMOND-LIKE FOOD FIGHTING DETECTED!!!! -- K. We need a term for someone who doesn't know about Followup-To no matter how often it's mentioned. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:15:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.postmodern George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Dear raving fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. Hey, George, have you posted that twenty times yet? Once you rack up twenty identical messages you become eligible for a special gift from a friendly robot. -- K. A friendly KILLER robot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 04:46:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics.relativity, Paul Colby (Paul.Colby@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > First rank scientists > > as you know DO NOT engage in Internet activities.. they don't even > > have email addresses. > > Perhaps true, but I can only speak for myself. As a 10'th kind of guy > I still should be able to follow your explanation of how your work is > to be evaluated as a work of physics. Since your explanation is not > forthcoming I assume there isn't one. I don't even try to evaluate his theory as a work of physics because I realize that I am not stupid enough to understand it. Instead of a work of physics, I like to consider his theory as work of a chimp. > > My website has taken 5,000 hits in the past couple of months > > AND NOT ONE of those people has had anything to say- BECAUSE > > they are unqualified scientifically. > > If we apply Occham's toothbrush a more reasonable explanation is that the > entertainment value of your work exceeds its scientific value. I think you're confusing Occam's toothbrush with that famous Polaroid of George Hammond's toothbrush inserted into a very special place. > > I thought it would be worthwhile to post the discovery on the > > Internet... just to let people know about it... now I realize > > that's a waste of time... you have to sell them a book and let > > them pay for taking up your time. > > Perhaps you can learn. This is counter to my expectations. I'm not going to buy his imaginary book just to see if he learns anything. (I hate spending my money on imaginary books.) Tell you what, let's all PRETEND to buy his book and see if it makes him smarter and not richer. -- K. I'm pretending I'm reading his book right now, and it's just as funny as I expected it to be. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 04:37:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I'm about through with talking to people on the Internet. Please do not hack up this thread with cafeteria style DANCING BEARS THAT BRING EVERYONE GREAT TIDINGS OF JOY!!! Don't let the door hit your cubical head on the way out. (But please do remember to pull a Dan Sale as you go.) > It's taken me 3-months to find out WHO THE INTERNET IS. It took you three whole negative months to do that? Didn't you find out who God is in only 2 months? > It turns out there are no first class Physicists or scientists > on the Internet. Hey! Someone tricked you! They secretly replaced the Internet with a baby's crib mirror with the word "Internet" written above it! > You're a Mathematician with advanced qualifications and there > are others... but you're not a Physicist, or a scientist for > that matter... or you would have dispensed with an evaluation > of this theory long ago... YOUR THEORY IS STUPID, THAT PROVES I AM A PHYSICIST. HAPPY NOW? > however, you're not scientifically capable of that. > Anyway.. the whole episode is beginning to bore me.. because > there is nobody qualified to talk to. First rank scientists > as you know DO NOT engage in Internet activities.. they don't even > have email addresses. They're too busy having wild orgies all the time. > My website has taken 5,000 hits in the past couple of months ah, so I assume your front page has 5,000 icons on it. > AND NOT ONE of those people has had anything to say- BECAUSE > they are unqualified scientifically. I see, so Stephen Hawking isn't a real scientist because he won't speak to you? > I thought it would be worthwhile to post the discovery on the > Internet... just to let people know about it... now I realize > that's a waste of time... you have to sell them a book and let > them pay for taking up your time. Then, eventually after > a few hundred thousand copies have been sold.. ...we'll still have about six minutes before the last protons in the Universe decay. > the big shot scientists are forced to evaluate the theory (e.g. Darwin, > Freud etc. discovered the same thing). > So long ... good luck with mathematics. That would be a thousand dollars times how many people? > George Hammond > ----------------------------------------------------------- > George Hammond, M.S. Physics > Email: ghammond@mediaone.net > Website: http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/index.html > ----------------------------------------------------------- You misspelled "Followup-To: I don't know what this header does." Your only friend, Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 22:34:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: sci.pyhsics.revatility Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) writes: > > > > Dear raving fans.. please do not hack up this thread > > with high school cafeteria style one liners. > > Thank you. > > Whee, nothing beats a new meme. To death. (Suddenly, lightning strikes New York city, fusing Crazy Eddie and The Wiz into a single person. And somehow George Hammond and Archie Plutonium get in there too.) THE CRAZY KING OF MEMES: I am the King! I am the King of Memes! Nobody beats me for I am the King of Memes! Leave the extra brain cell out for extra ravings! Come on down, our prices are so low they're INANE!!! (There follow ten identical "Child World" commercials, and then the Gamera marathon continues.) My apologies to anyone who didn't watch a lot of WPIX-11 and WOR-9 in the 1980s. My apologies to anyone who did. -- K. Except no apologies to Archie and George, because they're too crazy to be worth apologizing to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 22:22:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Russell Blackadar (russell@mdli.com) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > It's the computer more dead people use than any other! > > > > Please do not hack up this thread > > with high school cafeteria one liners. > > Thank you. > > But George, Kibo's postings are NOT "high school cafeteria > one" liners. > > They are BIRDCAGE liners. Waah! I thought they were ocean liners, and I just spent a hundred million dollars filming one in which Leonardo diCaprio and Kate Winslet are wrapped in a filthy newspaper and now you're telling me nobody would want to see that! > It's a crucial distinction, and I'm very surprised that a > U.S. PHYSICIST could fail to appreciate it. This is a shocking lack of swiftitude for a U.S. Physicist. I'll mention Hammond's failure next time I meet with General Electric over at the Westing House. -- K. Hope I don't wake up Elmer Fudd. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 09:42:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Dear cheering fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. Hack it up? Who said anything about hacking it up? After all, it's not like some nitwit is trying to distract everyone from the important Proof That God Has A Cubical Brain by posting the same content-free message over and over. -- K. Besides, hacking up threads is so lame. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to see if Gard Trask will loan me his car keys. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 08:48:20 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.postmodern,rec.org.mensa,alt.sex.bondage,soc.liberries.talk In about a dozen articles, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) re-typed: > > Dear raving fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. PAGING ROGER BRYNER, ROGER BRYNER REPORT TO THE INTERNET, PAGING ROGER BRYNER... -- K. I'm impressed, George, you learned how to spell "cafeteria" after posting that only a dozen times. Your literary skills shine like a beacon of shiny dog doo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,soc.history,soc.history.science,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Thanks for the reply; but difficulty in posting follow-ups Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 08:40:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.edu, soc.history, and soc.history.science, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I thank Bob Bruner for posting a reply to one of my threads > but am sorry that I cannot easily post follow-ups anymore > because my computer set-up these days is not as versatile > as my old one of 1993-mid1999. You know, that one you owned that you kept in the school library. > But I do read follow-ups that are serious; it is just that > I cannot post a reply on this new set-up. I... see. Your computer isn't powerful enough to reply. Excuse me, I misspelled "brain". > And just yesterday I bought a iMac and a Mac Notebook so > that I can save on hard disc my websites. I will eventually > get rid of the floppy discs. Oh, I don't know, you could hang onto them just in case someday your iMac grows a floppy disk slot. > It is useful to have an iMac just for the purpose of > hard disc storage of files. I can just see Archie invading his local CompUSA store: "I AM THE KING OF SCIENCE AND I WANT THE PINKEST iMAC YOU GOT!!!" (Be sure it is a real iMac and that you didn't buy the Barbie PC by mistake.) > Perhaps I will look into a account with US West to hook up > my iMac. If I do, I suppose I will have the versatility > to reply to follow-ups Yes, having your computer connected to the Internet might make that easier, you genius you. GENIUS! GENIUS! It IS pink, right? GENIUS! -- K. And let me guess, your notebook computer will be used for taking notes when you attend those high school physics courses. (You gotta get around to it someday.) Actually, I should stop making fun of Archie's bozotic outlook on physics, because The King Of Science never even mentions physics and more, just candy bars and Airstream trailers and Lucille Ball. But I reserve the right to make fun of the time he said he ate his own poop in 1993. [excerpt from "Ludwig Plutonium, The Chosen One" (1994), page 3:] -> -> A TRIBUTE TO MY MOTHER, JOHANNA POEHLMANN: I remember vivid scenes of -> my past with my mother, the first recollection of my mother, and the -> first conscious recollection that I was alive was in the crib, I was -> hungry and wanted something to eat and so I was eating this soft stuff -> and I could hear my mothers voice differently, a harsh tone now, and I -> saw her arms flinging around and she was making a fuss and later in my -> youth I asked her about this scene and she confirmed to me that I had -> eaten my own poop. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Oh god. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 09:33:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com On my TV, "Early Today" just chippered, "IT'S JANUARY SEVENTH, THE FIRST FRIDAY OF TWO-KAY!" I suddenly feel nauseous and generally disgustipated and retcherous. "2K". Apparently they felt the need to come up with a short abbreviation for "Y2K" to save time, because there are only 999.99 short years left before the super-awesome 2000s are over. What's next, saying "dotto" for "dot com"? -- K. HAVE A HAPPY DOTTOKAY!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: By popular request, I present... X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 09:37:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Because my request shall undoubtedly prove very popular, Matt McIrvin shall now accede to it and entertain me by writing a parody of the _text_ of a Scott Adams "Dilbert" book. And don't skimp on the chapter about how evolution is a SCAM! -- K. It is! A guy who draws a comic strip said so! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history.science,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Time Travel: Your Survival Kit? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 09:50:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.history.science, "SPARTACUS" (spartacus2@mindspring.com) wrote: > > Ok, never mind the technical stuff, you're going back in time and must > survive for a year. Your first trip will take you back to Rome, circa 50 > bc. If you survive this, your next trip will be London 1066. Finally, > assuming you've managed to stay alive this long, your last trip will > take you to the Little Big Horn in North Dakota -- without a horse -- an > hour before the Seventh Calvary arrives. Don't forget Hiroshima, 1945. I've always wanted to visit it before it got blow'd up. And during. It would be a kicky blast! > The question: You're allowed an standard backpack. What do you put in it > for each trip? A time machine. > Also, what do you wear for each trip? Clothes from the year 500,000 because the Romans would think those were even cooler than a regular business suit. Also I'd take along my old T-shirt with the close-up of Mork saying "I FEEL LIKE A NIMNUL!" because it would be great to show off my encyclopedic knowledge of Mork slang thousands of years before anyone else is allowed to watch television. > Thank you. Have fun! > > Spartacus I LOVE YOU, SPARTACUS! -- K. Even in print, my Tony Curtis impression isn't any good. Also my daughter doesn't have enough Y chromosomes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.econ,soc.history,talk.politics.theory,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: cracks in the USA superpowerdom; presidential campaign X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 10:27:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.econ, soc.history, and talk.politics.theory, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I lived through the Clinton campaign WOW, YOU'RE REAL OLD! YOU MUST BE ALMOST SEVEN! > and noticed that the drug companies on the stock market were > rather languishing even depressed for years while Clinton was > campaigning and afterwards in-office. While he was campaigning, weren't there others campaigning too? How do you know the stock market wasn't just reacting to other important people like Lyndon LaRouche, Ross Perot, or Kibo? > Clinton threatened the drug companies with a social-medicine > that would cut the profits of drug companies and so the drug > industry languished on the stock market. > > On the news I hear that Gore and other contenders are > yakkity-yakking again PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES SHOULD BE FORBIDDEN TO TALK! (I'm voting for Stephen Hawking!) > on restructuring the medical-health care. I suppose they > will not let it rest until the USA is like Canada in > social medicine. And I suppose that Clinton told Gore to > design his campaign to be a mirror look alike to his of > 8 years ago. I forget, is a mirror lookalike the same or different from a mirror opposite? > But what is bothersome about the presidential campaign > of 2000 is that the USA politicians never seem to address > the world's major issues. This is worrisome because the > USA seems to not have the full-conscious reality that USA > is the world's superpowerdom and that our presidential > campaign should be more world-conscious, rather than > presidental campaigns reducing to that of "redistribution > of wealth" where every pocket of wealth is taxed away > so that the USA is another Sweden. And then the Swedes would laugh their butts off! > The big important issue of 2000 is world overpopulation > and how overpopulation will cause a world war. > > More later Only until the world war, then there will be a lot less people to wring your hands about. I'm more worried about The Population Bomb. I mean the book. Every Salvation Army store has 50,000 copies of "The Population Bomb", "The Organization Man", "Future Shock", "Jaws 2", and "Your 1977 Aquarius Horoscope". The fact that some books can never be disposed of is wrecking the segment of our economy controlled by the Salvation Army! -- K. Isn't Sam Raimi's next movie titled "The Salvation Army"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.history,talk.politics.theory,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: cracks in the USA superpowerdom; overpopulation X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 10:35:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.history and talk.politics.theory, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Sorry, but I was kicked off the other computer and now > found a different one to continue this discussion. > > I am tired, as I know many other people are tired of > hearing presidental campaigns where the politician > > [...BLAH BLAH BLAH...] > > Nothing new in that politics and one can look as > far back as Roosevelt to see that the political > > [...BLAH BLAH BLAH...] > > The thing that has changed in the USA from Roosevelt > to 2000 is that the USA is the world's superpowerdom > and yet the presidental elections and campaigns > do not recognize this vast change. The presidental > campaign of Jan 2000 is still stuck back into the mode > of Roosevelt and a social USA system of vote for > me and I will give you a social program that gives > you more money. I am tired of this type of campaign Hey, cool! I take it you're hinting you're going to run for President! Finally, a worthy opponent for me to run against! However, I don't think you'll get elected unless you can come up with a better platform than "Don't Kick Archimedes Plutonium Off The Library's Computers Quite As Often." > [...BLAH BLAH BLAH...] > > those countries are. We cannot afford a war in an > age of nuclear weapons, and disease seems not able to > reduce populations. STUPID DISEASE! > So, if countries do not start reducing their overpopulations > then, war is inevitable and it will probably escalate into > a nuclear war. Especially when all those poor people own their own nuclear weapons. In Boston, most of the homeless just have hand grenades. > I want to hear Gore or Bradley or Bush talk about overpopulation > > more later as I am kicked off this machine You should set up a webcam so we can see you moving from Mac to Mac in the public library as you explain how to run the entire world. -- K. If you're so rich, how come you don't just buy the public library? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,aus.snow From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Serious science question. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 10:43:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Why do all the scientists in the world keep telling us no two snowflakes are alike? Have they looked at all of them? I THINK NOT! And besides, each one only contains a finite number of atoms that stick together like Legos, and as any kid who has ever played with a finite number of Legos for an infinite time can tell you, eventually God will run out of ideas and just start building the Galactic Explorer over and over. And God's little brother will keep smashing it just to see the bricks go flying. TAKE THAT, THEORY OF SNOWFLAKES!!! -- K. Also, all clovers are alike, except the four-leaf ones, which are all different. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tech-support.recovery,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Post Holiday ISP-Bobette Depression X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Approved: doidy! Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 10:54:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.tech-support.recovery, "sumchyck" (sumchyck@nospam.owc.net) wrote: > > [describing typical customer-support questions from proud new > computer owners on Christmas afternoon] > > "Please help me, I've lost all of my DNA" I think there was a Star Trek episode where they explained that that would make you a tenth of an inch tall. Or was that the one where losing your DNA made you turn into a baby? No, wait, it was the one where losing your baby made you turn into a ghost. Or a spider. There's a Chinese restaurant here that has some large cut-out letters (carefully traced from Arial Rounded onto fluorescent pink cardboard) taped up in their window, and right smack dab in the middle is a backwards ampersand. I've always figured that was the international symbol for DNA. So you could send the poor DNA-less person over to the chowmeinery to get filled up with rice noodles. Okay, so they're not helical, let alone double-helical, but I'm sure any kind of stuffing will do in a pinch once you've lost your DNA. After all, without your DNA, you'd be dead in a few weeks. -- K. I've lost all my RNA. Can I get a copy of yours? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Post Holiday ISP-Bobette Depression X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Approved: by Bob Hope Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 03:39:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think there was a Star Trek episode where they explained that that would > > make you a tenth of an inch tall. Or was that the one where losing your > > DNA made you turn into a baby? No, wait, it was the one where losing your > > baby made you turn into a ghost. Or a spider. > > So there was this one kid I knew? In high school? And he was > allergic to his own DNA? So he had to carry around a big plastic > bubble filled with adenine, guanine, thymine, and cytosine? And > some sugar? And he had to have his proteins specially made by this > company in China? And one day he, like, fell over and spilled the > plastic bubble? And the bases all fell into a Boggle cube? But all > we could spell was CAT and TAG? Too bad the kid didn't have any RNA, you could have made CUT and TUG and GUT and CUG and GUC and GUG and UGU. This is because RNA does not have a T for thiamin, instead it has a U for urine. They both have a C for cyclosporin, a G for iguanine, and an A for adulterine. > And then when we tried to put his polynucleotide chains back together > again, we couldn't figure out the correct order, so we put the bases > back in alphabetically? And so we ended up giving him Down syndrome > by accident. Plus we turned him into a howler monkey. > > And then he died. > > -dp. > MAKE MONKEY FAST! I remember once I dropped a guy's brain on the floor and acidentally walked all over it and stuff for like a week and stuff, but after I put it back in his head he didn't realize anything was wrong, he just said "ME HUG!" and started hugging the Tensor lamp. However, eventually he moved from hugging the Tensor lamp to hugging a Quaternion lamp, and this caused the Universe to implode, destroying everyone and everything in it except for me and six billion of my closest friends. -- K. You may thank me in cash. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: nil holes and space X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 11:30:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [quoted in full] In sci.physics, HanJeong Lee (stststst@soback.kornet.nm.kr) wrote: > > holes in the body of water is space. > what are nil holes in the body of space? I think we should get some of those blockers and nitches to plug up the nil holes in our body of space. HERE COMES A MEME! --> "Shut yer nil hole!" -- K. It's a shame the blockers and nitches person vanished from alt.dreams.toltec before anyone could explain to me the purpose of alt.dreams.toltec. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Who writes these standards? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 22:06:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Seen in the Department of Agriculture (USDA) specification of lentils: > U.S. Sample grade: U.S. Sample grade shall be lentils which - > (a) Do not meet the requirements for the grades U.S. Nos. 1, 2, or 3; or > (b) Contain more than 14.0 percent moisture, live weevils, or other > live insects, metal fragments, broken glass, or a commercially > objectionable odor; or > (c) Are materially weathered, heating, or distinctly low quality. Yay! My lentils only contain 13% broken glass and a personally objectionable odor! Now I can sell them to Y-O-U!!!! -- K. I just like the concept that there ARE lentils below grades #1, #2, and #3. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who writes these standards? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 23:11:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Seen in the Department of Agriculture (USDA) specification of lentils: > > > U.S. Sample grade: U.S. Sample grade shall be lentils which - > > (a) Do not meet the requirements for the grades U.S. Nos. 1, 2, or 3; or > > (b) Contain more than 14.0 percent moisture, live weevils, or other > > live insects, metal fragments, broken glass, or a commercially > > objectionable odor; > > Yay! My lentils only contain 13% broken glass and a personally > objectionable odor! Now I can sell them to Y-O-U!!!! Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > If they contain less than 13% broken glass, Capitalism asserts your best > bet is to add more broken glass until the 13% level is exactly met. Assuming, of course, that the broken glass isn't contaminated with lentils. Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > The best thing is that there's nothing regulating a percentage > of broken glass or razor blades in candy bars. Or vice versa. Folks, we need a government standard keeping lentils and candy out of our filthy broken glass! Broken glass is at risk of becoming good to eat! What'll be next -- poisonous medicine that tastes like candy? I say you should not be allowed to try to improve the flavor of anything that people don't already want to eat! Is this where I should repost my article about the joys of pica? -- K. Or should I just try to be more elite? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who writes these standards? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 22:14:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com But wait! There's more! From Chapter 3 of the Bean Inspection Handbook: > 3.15 ODOR > a. Determine odor on the basis of the representative sample as a whole. > (1) Off-odors (i.e., musty, sour, and commercially objectionable odor) > are usually detected at the time of sampling. > (a) If there is any question as to the odor when the sample is > being taken, a part of the sample shall be put into an > airtight container to preserve its condition for further > examination in the laboratory. > (b) Such portions shall be returned to the sample before the > other tests are made. > (2) A musty odor shall be any odor that is earthy, moldy, and > ground-like. Do not confuse a burlap bag odor with a musty odor. > (3) A sour odor shall be any odor that is rancid, sharp, or acrid. > (4) A commercially objectionable odor shall be any odor that is not > normal to beans and that, because of its presence, renders the > beans unfit for normal commercial usage (e.g., fertilizer, hides, > oil products, skunk, smoke, fire-burnt, and decaying animal and > vegetable matter odors). > (5) Fumigants or insecticide odors are not considered as commercially > objectionable odors, unless they are caused by a fumigant or > insecticide that does not dissipate quickly. When a sample of > beans contains a fumigant or insecticide odor that prohibits a > true odor determination, the following guidelines shall apply: > (a) The representative sample of beans shall be allowed to air > out in an open metal container (e.g., a pan) for up to 4 > hours; and > (b) If the fumigant or insecticide odor still prohibits the > determination of the beans' true odor after 4 hours, > the beans shall be considered as having a commercially > objectionable odor. > b. When beans are determined to be musty, sour, or have a commercially > objectionable odor, record the type of odor on the work record and > in the Remarks section of the certificate, and grade the beans > "U.S. Sample grade." YAY! NOW I KNOW THE GOVERNMENT DEFINITION OF BEAN ODOR! YOUR GOVERNMENT AT WORK TEACHING YOU HOW TO SMELL BEANS! But whatever you do, don't confuse a burlap bag with a musty odor! Burlap bags smell WONDERFUL! -- K. I wonder how they classify the smell of Baxter's Famous U. S. Senate Bean Soup. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Don Martin Memorial Haiku X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 22:40:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit+ark@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > Another great man > shuffles off this mortal coil: > Shloop shlerp shloop schlerp spwoinnng. I am sorry to hear of the death of the most beloved cartoonist of the 20th century, Mr. Don Martin. The man who made "POIT!" a household word. Not to mention "SHPOIN-FAPPP!!!" and "GLIT, GLURT, BLEEBLE, DURP!" I sincerely hope that his death was very wacky. -- K. Not to mention "STROIN-GOINK!!!" which was the sound of Olive Oyl falling through a sidewalk grating and being saved by her nose. (Strange how vividly one recalls throwaway panels in "Mad" from the mid-1970s as long as they were drawn by someone as talented as Don Martin.) Freudian typo: When I first typed in that description of his "STROIN-GOINK!!!", it came out "falling through a diewalk grating." P.S. YES, CHARLES SCHULZ, I KNOW YOU'RE STILL ALIVE. DON MARTIN WAS FUNNIER BECAUSE HIS COMIC STRIPS MADE NOISES OTHER THAN "WUMP!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: From FEMA For Kids X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 22:55:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com FEMA (The Federal Emergency Management Agency, created by Ollie North to make it easier to turn off the Constitution whenever there's a nuclear war) has an excellent (in a bad way) "FEMA For Kids" Web site which features wonderful items such as a "Kidz Rap" song about the joys of FEMA. Recently they added this story: > The Wytookie > > by Janine Patrick > > My mommy and daddy have been talking all year > About something strange and unfamiliar they fear. > They don't tell me, they use their grown-up voices, > They talk about "preparing" and "precaution" and "choices." > Whatever it is, it's not meant for me... > But still I get scared when they say "the Wytookie." > The Wytookie, I think, is a monster, it's huge, > It's as smart as a fox and it's meaner than scrooge, > It gets into your house and it steals things at night > It's got long-reaching claws and it causes a fright. > Good thing for us, it hasn't come round till now, > But for some reason it's creeping up, somehow. > I saw my parents stuff the pantry with cans of food > (So maybe Wytookie won't eat me if I try to be good?) > They have blankets and flashlights and candles galore, > "You never know what might happen at the store." > I'm beginning to think this Wytookie is everywhere, > But I don't tell my parents, cause they're already scared. > > I'm beginning to see it on the news too, > I try hard to listen, but I don't have a clue. > I can gather when it's coming, at the end of this year -- > As the winter approaches I tremble with fear. > It must be a snowman, an abominable big lug, > But for some reason, though, I hear it's a "bug." > I have no idea, now, how a bug got so scary, > Yes they're creepy but they shouldn't make adults wary. > They've started a countdown, "it's coming" they say > Grownups cower in every country, every day. > Businessmen even, when they're stalked by this giant, > Whimper and promise to be "Wytookie compliant." > > Are you ready?" they say, and I tremble with fear, > 'Cause I'm too little and the end is too near. > This giant bug will crush me with its pinching jaws, > So why are my parents worried about their computer's flaws? > It was all too much to take, too much at this age, > If you're not afraid of what happened, just turn the page... > All of a sudden it was cheerful, on December 31st. > Excitement was everywhere, I was ready to burst. > All of my neighbors gathered in the town square > And popped the champagne and fireworks in the air. > You'd better believe, I kept looking over my shoulder -- > I was surprised the Wytookie wasn't bolder. > Sometime after midnight into my bed I crept. > I knew in my heart that Wytookie also slept. > As my parents left me I thought I could hear: > "We won't have to worry about that for another 100 years!" > I imagined that maybe Wytookie was my friend, > I'm almost sad that he won't come round again. MOMMY, WHY HAS DR. SEUSS BARRICADED HIMSELF IN OUR BASEMENT? There's also a big picture of the Wytookie eating all the digital clocks in the world, and you can print it out and color it. In fact, you're required by law to print it out and color it. The Wytookie looks a LOT like Jar Jar Binks. FEMA goes on to demystify Y2K: > So how will Y2K affect you? You might not notice it, but little > things may happen. You know, the same things elves and fairies do. You just have to close your eyes and wish real hard and say "I *DO* believe in Y2K!" and before you know it everything around you will be broken in a way so minor that you can't even tell it's broken. > You may not have electricity for a day or two. But you won't notice it. -- K. Also, FEMA reserves the right to choose which two days. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.beable,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The durians in the submarine X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 23:22:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > The Millennium Virus really did strike. I got the > flu about January (SORRY! ZEROARY!) the second > (SORRY! THE FIRST!). It was really freaky, with > lots of fever and stuff. So I stayed in bed and > watched old movies (old movie film festival on TeeVee), > and hallucinated. The hallucinations were a weird > mix of things from the movies (Gone With the Wind, > My Darling Clementine, The Miracle Worker, SeaQuest DSV, > Poltergeist 3, ect ect ect) and things from "normal" > Japanese TeeVee. > > But I knew I was ok yesterday when I had a dream: > I was in a submarine, and Kibo was the captain. We > were on a cruise to somewhere, and the ship had a > big crew, because it was a big submarine. Actually, > it was SO BIG, it might have been SEAqUEST! I bet > Kibo always wanted to be Captain Of The SeaQuest, > probably so the he could ram it into a rock or drive > it up a whale's bum or something. I was the ship's > doctor, and I was checking on food supplies. For > some reason I decided to find out what fruit was > on board, and SOMEBODY HAD LOADED THE SUB WITH > DURIANS! AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!!! And we were > underneath the ice at the North Pole, so there > WAS NO WAY TO GET RID OF THE DURIANS! I woke up > screaming and knew that the hallucinations were > over, everything was back to normal! YAY! Damn. That wasn't how the dream was supposed to end! Instead of being trapped in a submarine with durians, you were supposed to be trapped in a durian with a submarine. And instead of it being NBC's "seaQuest DSV", it was supposed to be the sub from that new version of Gilligan's Island where their submarine gets trapped in Mary-Anne's Trench. Except you probably never saw that because they couldn't air it because the courts ruled it was a ripoff of "Jabberjaw", only not as lively. So think about "Jabberjaw" real hard and then go take a nap and you won't have any more nightmares about anything else. -- K. If you were the ship's surgeon, who were the other officers? Was Fred Grandy there? Was Archie Plutonium the ship's dishwasher? Was Russell Johnson the Professor? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.beable,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The durians in the submarine X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Fri, 7 Jan 2000 23:22:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Fantod" (fantod@geocities.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > But it makes you think, doesn't it? If you mean about durians in a submarine, yes. If you mean about anything else, no. That's why my "Bee In A Balloon"(tm) is a million times better because it makes you think about many things, like finding the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade Superman balloon who always has one limp wrist and filling it with killer bees. > > A durian on a submarine? It would stink out the whole boat, > > and what could you do with it? Fire it out the torpedo tube? > > How about about sneaking durian on to the Kibo space station module? > Or better, filling dozens of delicate vials with artificial durian flavor, > which is just as, if not more, hideous. It would smell just fine until the > launch. Artificial durian flavor, when used on a space station, is more properly called by its technical name... NASAFETIDA. You're welcome! -- K. I want to see artificial asafetida flavor. NOTE: "SEE" IS NOT "SMELL". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Poll: Most irritating physical force X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 06:30:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > Chris Industries International has constructed a poll > specially for alt.religion.kibology about which physical force in > the universe you hate the least. If all goes as planned, we > should be able to destroy that physical force by the year 2050: > > [ ] Gravity. > [ ] Fluid Friction. > [ ] Rolling Friction. > [ ] Regular Friction. You Know. > [ ] Magnetism. > [ ] Bees. The deadly radiation that comes out of TV sets and makes people stupid so that they become TV executives and unleash more of The Awesum Power Of Stupidity! Failing that, just destroy the magnetic bees. DESTROY ALL MAGNETIC BEES!!! -- K. RELEASE THE BEE-THREE DEER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Heading for a shop window near you: "intelligent" clothes Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 07:56:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Those wacky, wacky French newsmen wrote: > > Subject: Heading for a shop window near you: "intelligent" clothes Any chimp wearing those clothes would seem like a genius! > PARIS, Jan 7 (AFP) - Indiana Jones, it's time to lose that > low-tech leather jacket. Yeah, Indiana Jones needs a pocket computer while he's fighting Nazis in 1938. > A team of fashion gurus and electronics wizards are to produce > jackets this summer that incorporate a tiny mobile phone or a global > positioning system (GPS), enabling their wearer to determine their > position anywhere in the world within a few metres (yards). They look just like jackets with an ordinary backpack pre-attached. > Audiovisual and video gear, including miniature cameras or TV > screens, can also be included. Because it's vitally important to have a camera in your armpit so the entire Internet can see what your underarms smell like all day. > The jacket is the harbinger of a fashion revolution in which > clothes will include the latest communications gadgets, France > Telecom said Friday, spelling out its plans with seven other > companies in a four-month-old consortium, i-Wear. "i-Wear"? WAAH! I TRIED SHOVING THESE NEWFANGLED CONTACT LENSES WITH ARMS AND LEGS INTO MY EYES AND NOW I'M BLIND! > i-Wear's other members are Adidas, Levi Strauss Europe, the > French fashion house Courreges, the textile firm Bekintex, and Vaso > Data Security and Recticel, in computers and electronics > respectively. > The work is being directed by a Belgian research laboratory, > Starlab. > Over the next five years, i-Wear plans to bring out a whole > range of "intelligent" garments for sports, leisure and business, > France Telecom said. (in the near future, a man is walking down the street.) MAN'S PANTS: ATTENTION! ATTENTION! YOUR FLY IS SLIGHTLY OPEN! FLY IS OPEN! YOU MUST REFASTEN YOUR ZIPPER NOW! ALERT! ALERT! BOZO DETECTED! > The jacket will emerge in prototype this summer along with a > sports top that will record its wearer's physical performance, such > as pulse and blood pressure. Now at last I will recognize when I become excited. Then I can "party down" and be "cool". Sincerely, Al Gore. > "In the near future" will be clothes with tiny sensors that will > provide information about the location or health of a vulnerable > relative, such as elderly parent or child, or the presence of > harmful radiation or pollen in the atmosphere. Oh, yeah, it would be terrible if there were a nuclear blast and you didn't notice it. > Club-goers will be intrigued by dresses or suits that will > change colour according to the heat of their body, the lights or > music. It's called A SWEAT STAIN, folks! > "The medical world, the media, the self-employed, defence, civil > protection authorities and security authorities are... (other) > sectors that are potentially interested in these new-generation > clothes," France Telecom said. Then they went back to talking about how the 80x25 Minitel screen was the technology of the future and how the Web was just a passing fad, eating snails all the while. > France Telecom, the biggest telecoms provider in France, is a > member of the consortium through its research unit, the National > Centre for Telecommunications Study (CNET). > A CNET researcher acknowledged that many problems had to be > overcome with the innovative clothes, such as the high initial cost, > where to place the operating switches and buttons and how to clean > the garments. Wait... French people clean their garments now? > Even so, this research "will provide the clothes that people > will be wearing three, five or 10 years down the road," when cars that can drive into the future will run them over. > communications will be completely integrated with garments, he told AFP. While talking through his hat. -- K. You know, like Jim Carrey in reverse. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.accelerators,sci.physics.cond-matter,sci.physics.particle,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Linking Thermodynamics with Kinematics or Quantum Mechanics Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 08:44:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.physics.accelerators, sci.physics.cond-matter, sci.physics.particle, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I noticed a link recently between thermodynamics and mechanics > of physics. HOLY SHIT, ARCHIE NOTICED SOMETHING ABOUT PHYSICS! I guess this means his days of babbling constantly about anything and everything but science (including, but not limited to, strawberries, ice cream, candy bars, microwaved spaghetti, and Airstream trailers) are over. > I noticed this link as I was hauling my Airstream from Florida to > South Dakota about 1Jan. Wait, wait, retract the swear word. It slipped out before I remembered that The King Of Science can never concentrate on science for more than about five seconds. > I was sleeping in the Airstream and realized that as dawn approaches, > that this is the coldest moment (on statistical average) of the day. > The coldest moment of the day is the crack-of-dawn. GENIUS! I hope you can patent that discovery before someone else does! > And I realized in this revelation that the fastest speed of > a bicycle or vehicle is at the bottom of the hill. So, for efficiency, ALL of the hill should be at the bottom! > So, link the two. And there is an equivalency or equality > of the thermodynamics with the mechanics. Yeah, and the stupidest part of your head is in the middle too. I HAVE JUST LINKED PHYSICS TO YOUR BRAIN! But in a bad way. Sorry! You need a hug to cheer you up now that you know that you're stupid. *HUG* > I should develop the above much further but I suspect > someone else has already developed the above and that my > above linking together is probably not new. Although, it > might be new and the above is the first time anyone > recognized that thermodynamics is connected to mechanics > from this port. That reminds me, I need to reconfigure my network's firewall to block any port coming out of the mind of any ex-dishwasher whose favorite meal is spaghetti in a paper cup. -- K. So, Arch, now that you've been booted from Dartmouth, would you characterize y'self as "self-unemployed"? Also, who or what did they hire to replace you? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Burger King recalls mysteriously lethal featureless balls Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:30:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Today's psychiatrists would determine from this that I was doomed to grow > up to be a shy person, and would write a prescription for Paxil immediately. robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Is Paxil the Cool Table antidepressant of ARK? Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > http://www.paxil.com/index.asp tells me that it'll fix > Whatchagot's Disease! Social anxiety, panic disorder, depression, > and ocd. robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > To say nothing of bitterness. NOT THAT I"M BITTER!!!!! NOT ME!!! > > Oh for the good old days when antidepressants didn't have their > own webpage... Somehow this thread has strayed from the original topic of Pokemon to "things that make you hyper and cause brain damage". Hey, wait a minute... Does anyone else wish that scare about the Japanese cartoon that caused seizures had happened six months later? Because... you will recall... that it was a Pokemon cartoon. But it was big news when the mass media hadn't yet learned how to say the word "pokay-mon" so it's usually just remembered as A Japanese Cartoon that caused seizures. Now, imagine what would happen if that hadn't happened until THIS year, after all that media attention about how Pokemon killed that toddler by making him hold a ball over his nose. And, on a related story of things you can eat and/or balls... A few days ago, at Toys R Us, I saw cheap throwaway vinyl balls (the ones about 2/3 the size of basketballs, and come inflated to half-pound-per-square-inch pressure and cannot be reinflated) in a big bin. Nothing unusual about that. Every toy store has to have that nine-foot-high wire rack of 99c balls (with the little stickers on them certifying that they're not made by slave labor any more) because there COULD be a run on them tomorrow if kids ever decide they'd rather have a 99c ball than a fifty-dollar Pokemon video game with a real laser sword inside. Anyway, the particular balls I noticed showed Cookie Monster. Eating his way out of the inside of the ball. Does anyone else remember the "___ Ate My Balls" Web site, which went away a couple years ago? I remember around 1995 or so hearing about that one over and over (it was the Hamster Dance of its day), one of the five Web sites that people somehow found amusing enough to tell all their friends about. It was listed in every list of links to Vitally Important Web Sites Ever. And all it consisted of was a few crude pictures of people like Chewbacca saying "I AM EATING YOUR BALLS!" on the "Chewbacca Ate My Balls" page. There was a "Mr T. Ate My Balls" as well, and a few others. I seem to recall they had a page for "Cookie Monster Ate My Balls". So, anyway, I didn't buy any of those balls at the toy store. So Cookie Monster is eating someone else's balls. -- K. How comedy should NOT be explained: > Welcome to Backstreet Boys Ate My Balls Again! > This site is a joke so don't be too offended. ...from a site in the (ack) "Ate My Balls WebRing". Damn. I believed the Backstreet Boys were actually eating people's balls through the Web until I read that explanation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.usenet From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Ontological problem. Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:34:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com What would happen if you ran up to Hitler and mentioned Usenet? Would the war end? -- K. Then what if you did it again? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ice skating, anyone? Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:41:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Darla (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone know how to ice skate? > > I won the junior girl's single figures on the Cazenovia rink in 1961. > Does that count? No, because it was the JUNIOR competition and not a REAL one. It's like being proud of doing the JUNIOR Jumble! It's nowhere near as hard as the ADULT (Must Be Over 21) Jumble! (Why isn't there a TV Guide Junior with a just-for-kids crossword puzzle with none of those difficult three-letter words in it?) > > Could you teach me? > > Probably not, but... > > > ...I have a hunch my only problem was that my skates didn't fit > > properly -- they were too tight around the shins... > > You can stop right there. If you were wearing skates that came all the way > up to your shins, you should never have left the hot-cocoa-and-apple-cider > counter in the shelter. Good skates have room in the shoe for Thinsulate > (or similar) socks, and the shank should be lace-adjustable to your ankle > strength. NEVER buy skates that have too long or too short a boot shank--- > you'll end up with a boot-top spiral fracture if you hook a pick on some bad > ice. Don't buy them at PayLess--- go to a reputable skate or sports shoe > shop. Darla, I think you're forgetting the main problem: He's male. -- K. Women like watching figure skating. Men like watching The Three Stooges. There, I've just ruined another title that John Gray had his eye on. (I think he likes watching The Stooges ice-skating, if you know what I mean.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Archives, She Explode Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:55:50 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > lots42@aol.com wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > Why did only 18 posts make it to ARK between 4 am and 2 pm? Is it a > > > cancelbot? Did everyone finally pass out from the Bacchanalian > > > debauchery of New Year's? > > > > Silly Stacia. It was the Kiborgy. Didn't anyone invite you? Though it > > was weird how those few people managed to post, much less get the > > computer working after the tidal wave of bannana-flavored motion lotion > > swept through the living room. > > Ugh. Banana. Hey! Stop stealing memes from upcoming episodes of "The Special Show" before I can even write them! MICHAEL JORDAN So you see, Little Billy, my disembodied head, Lucille Ball's eye makeup, and Lobotomized Tonto all ride The Little Bus, and you should too. LITTLE BILLY Radical! TONTO Ugh! Ba - na - na! (THE SCREEN FILLS WITH THE WORD "BANANA" SWIRLING AROUND IN PYSCHEDELIC LETTERS. SEVERAL OOMPA-LOOMPAS ENTER AND BEGIN CHANTING "BA - NA - NA! BA - NA - NA!" THEY ALL HAVE LARGE SCARS ACROSS THEIR FOREHEADS.) LITTLE BILLY When I grow up, I wanna have a lobommity just like you, Tonto! TONTO Ugh! Ba - na - na! KIBO I'd just like to step in here to point out that Stacia doesn't know the difference between Bacchanalia and Saturnalia. THE END! (SCREEN GOES BLACK. WE FAINTLY HEAR LUCILLE BALL SAYING, "BA - NA - WAAAH!") > True story: my roomie used to like banana-flavored stuff. Even the > Lik-M-Aid powdered candy stuff in "happy banana" flavor. After I spent a > good four seconds around him screaming bloody murder any time a real or > faux banana got anywhere near me, he started disliking banana-flavored > stuff, too. > Except bananas, as in the actual naughty-shaped yellow fruit. This boy > eats more bananas than Jack Benny, Except bananas also come in red and green. Jack Benny only came in a pink frilly lace housedress. With Ed Wood's house around it. -- K. Stacia doesn't know her Roman pagan rites and I do! BA - NEENER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Presidental Fitness Test Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:04:15 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com lots42@aol.com wrote: > > Does Clinton really CARE that several thousand kids ran the mile during gym > class without keeling over and dying? I have a "Presidential ACADEMIC Fitness Certificate" personally signed by the autopen of Ronald Wilson Reagan itself. "MR. PRESIDENT, WAKE UP! YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH THE BUTTON THAT SIGNS THIS CERTIFICATE PROVING THAT YOU CARE THAT SOME ELEVENTH-GRADER GOT IN THE TOP FIFTY PERCENTILES ON THE S.A.T.'S! THE MACHINE ONLY WORKS IF YOU AND THE VICE PRESIDENT TURN YOUR KEYS AT THE SAME TIME!" (click) "OKAY, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT! GO BACK TO SLEEP! WE'LL HANDLE THAT WAR THING! WE'LL WAKE YOU NEXT TIME A KID PASSES MATH!" I think I still have somewhere a certificate for a FREE pair of olive-drab socks that say "ARMY" on them which I could receive if I just joined the Army for four years. Having a wicked high S.A.T. score (ABOVE AVERAGE!) qualifies you for FREE ARMY SOCKS JUST LIKE THE ONES YOU GET WHEN YOU'RE IN THE ARMY! AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET THEM IS JOIN THE ARMY! THEN YOU CAN WEAR YOUR ARMY SOCKS FOR FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THEY TAKE YOUR CLOTHES AWAY AND GIVE YOU IDENTICAL SOCKS! THAT'S HOW THEY DEPERSONALIZE YOU TO MAKE YOU A BETTER SOLDIER! THAT AND THE DRILL SARGEANTS SHOUTING IN ALL CAPITALS! -- K. THIS POST HAS AN UNUSUALLY HIGH CAPS-TO-MINUSCULES RATIO! WE DON'T NEED NO SHIFT-LOCK KEY, HOLDING SHIFT DOWN WORKS FOR ME! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Space on the Brane. Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:07:45 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "WWS" (wschmidt@tyler.net) wrote: > > From the Dallas Morning News science section, 1/3/2000: > > "In the Randall-Sundrum picture, though, gravity does not have the > same strength everywhere. Gravitons, the particles that transmit > gravity, would condense most densely around some brane. Suppose, > Dr. Lykken explained at a recent cosmology conference, that > humanity's brane resides a tiny distance away from this prime > gravity brane. If so, gravity could be weakened by just enough > to match its observed strength. By displacing our universe from > the center of space, the way Copernicus displaced the Earth, a > basic problem in physical theory goes away." "Give me a long enough lever and a place to stand, or I'll kill you!" -- Copernicus But seriously, yes, we should solve all the world's problems by moving the Universe. Do you think we'd need a piano crane? Or should we each just lift it around the edges? -- K. Cosmology's new "M-branes" are no match for Apple's new "i-branes" which come in puce, fucshia, mauve, lavender, and Barbie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I invented a new word Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:12:41 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Aldo Pignotti (geturner@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I, Aldo Pignotti have invented a much needed word. The > word is "borange" and it rhymes with orange. It refers > to the group or range of people or topics that make a newsgroup > boring. This thread, for example is well within the borange > of alt.religion.kibology. Great, now I'm going to spend all night trying to figure out if there's a word that rhymes with borange. -- K. Any word near "borange" in the dictionary is within its neighborange. P.S. THOSE OF YOU OUTSIDE THE SPHERE OF BORANGITUDE ARE PROBABLY AWARE THAT MY WEB SITE ALREADY HAS A *PHOTO* OF A WORD THAT RHYMES WITH "BORANGE": "EXPLORANGE" FLAVORED PLAY-DOH. Freudian typo: The first time I typed that, it came out "flavored Play-Dog." Poor Spot! He was explorange flavored, and he didn't even know what that was! Also he dried out after being out of the can for ten minutes. The End! Incidentally, I need to go to bed now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Scribbles Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:20:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Why do some people write their names on the credit card receipts as > illegible chicken scratch? I know my handwriting isn't great but at > least you can tell an A is an A and a P is a P. AHA, Mr. I-Don't-Use-An-Actual-Name-On-The-Internet, and oh what a giveaway! We've all just figured our your real identity! So, please tell us, have you stopped eating your own poop, A.P.? -- K. ALSO THAT SECRET MORSE CODE IN "SPY VS. SPY" SPELLS OUT "BY PROHIAS"! DON'T TELL ANYONE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Battlestar Galactica: The Movie: The Wacky Parody! Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 07:43:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I promised that I would post a parody of "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" (the new movie, not any of the other three ones they tried to pass off as movies) if Matt posts a pastiche of the back third of a "Dilbert" book (the part about how evolution is a fraud.) So, here it is: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA 2000 Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Starring The Guy Who Played Apollo, Ed Begley Jr. As Ensign Greenbean, Milton Berle As Himself, And The Voice Of Patrick MacNee as "Frackula". Act I Scene I FADE IN. FLOP. THE END. I was just going to insert a cassette of "Spaceballs" instead, but I didn't think it was stupid enough to pass for a "Battlestar Galactica" movie. Now Matt owes us a "Dilbert" book. -- K. Has anyone out there ever seen the pilot episode they filmed for the LIVE-ACTION "Dilbert" show? I've always figured that was what inspired "The Drew Carey Show".