Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tech-support.recovery From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Post Holiday ISP-Bobette Depression X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Approved: by Bob Hope Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 03:39:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I think there was a Star Trek episode where they explained that that would > > make you a tenth of an inch tall. Or was that the one where losing your > > DNA made you turn into a baby? No, wait, it was the one where losing your > > baby made you turn into a ghost. Or a spider. > > So there was this one kid I knew? In high school? And he was > allergic to his own DNA? So he had to carry around a big plastic > bubble filled with adenine, guanine, thymine, and cytosine? And > some sugar? And he had to have his proteins specially made by this > company in China? And one day he, like, fell over and spilled the > plastic bubble? And the bases all fell into a Boggle cube? But all > we could spell was CAT and TAG? Too bad the kid didn't have any RNA, you could have made CUT and TUG and GUT and CUG and GUC and GUG and UGU. This is because RNA does not have a T for thiamin, instead it has a U for urine. They both have a C for cyclosporin, a G for iguanine, and an A for adulterine. > And then when we tried to put his polynucleotide chains back together > again, we couldn't figure out the correct order, so we put the bases > back in alphabetically? And so we ended up giving him Down syndrome > by accident. Plus we turned him into a howler monkey. > > And then he died. > > -dp. > MAKE MONKEY FAST! I remember once I dropped a guy's brain on the floor and acidentally walked all over it and stuff for like a week and stuff, but after I put it back in his head he didn't realize anything was wrong, he just said "ME HUG!" and started hugging the Tensor lamp. However, eventually he moved from hugging the Tensor lamp to hugging a Quaternion lamp, and this caused the Unvierse to implode, destroying everyone and everything in it except for me and six billion of my closest friends. -- K. You may thank me in cash. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Poll: Most irritating physical force X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 06:30:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > Chris Industries International has constructed a poll > specially for alt.religion.kibology about which physical force in > the universe you hate the least. If all goes as planned, we > should be able to destroy that physical force by the year 2050: > > [ ] Gravity. > [ ] Fluid Friction. > [ ] Rolling Friction. > [ ] Regular Friction. You Know. > [ ] Magnetism. > [ ] Bees. The deadly radiation that comes out of TV sets and makes people stupid so that they become TV executives and unleash more of The Awesum Power Of Stupidity! Failing that, just destroy the magnetic bees. DESTROY ALL MAGNETIC BEES!!! -- K. RELEASE THE BEE-THREE DEER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Heading for a shop window near you: "intelligent" clothes Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 07:56:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Those wacky, wacky French newsmen wrote: > > Subject: Heading for a shop window near you: "intelligent" clothes Any chimp wearing those clothes would seem like a genius! > PARIS, Jan 7 (AFP) - Indiana Jones, it's time to lose that > low-tech leather jacket. Yeah, Indiana Jones needs a pocket computer while he's fighting Nazis in 1938. > A team of fashion gurus and electronics wizards are to produce > jackets this summer that incorporate a tiny mobile phone or a global > positioning system (GPS), enabling their wearer to determine their > position anywhere in the world within a few metres (yards). They look just like jackets with an ordinary backpack pre-attached. > Audiovisual and video gear, including miniature cameras or TV > screens, can also be included. Because it's vitally important to have a camera in your armpit so the entire Internet can see what your underarms smell like all day. > The jacket is the harbinger of a fashion revolution in which > clothes will include the latest communications gadgets, France > Telecom said Friday, spelling out its plans with seven other > companies in a four-month-old consortium, i-Wear. "i-Wear"? WAAH! I TRIED SHOVING THESE NEWFANGLED CONTACT LENSES WITH ARMS AND LEGS INTO MY EYES AND NOW I'M BLIND! > i-Wear's other members are Adidas, Levi Strauss Europe, the > French fashion house Courreges, the textile firm Bekintex, and Vaso > Data Security and Recticel, in computers and electronics > respectively. > The work is being directed by a Belgian research laboratory, > Starlab. > Over the next five years, i-Wear plans to bring out a whole > range of "intelligent" garments for sports, leisure and business, > France Telecom said. (in the near future, a man is walking down the street.) MAN'S PANTS: ATTENTION! ATTENTION! YOUR FLY IS SLIGHTLY OPEN! FLY IS OPEN! YOU MUST REFASTEN YOUR ZIPPER NOW! ALERT! ALERT! BOZO DETECTED! > The jacket will emerge in prototype this summer along with a > sports top that will record its wearer's physical performance, such > as pulse and blood pressure. Now at last I will recognize when I become excited. Then I can "party down" and be "cool". Sincerely, Al Gore. > "In the near future" will be clothes with tiny sensors that will > provide information about the location or health of a vulnerable > relative, such as elderly parent or child, or the presence of > harmful radiation or pollen in the atmosphere. Oh, yeah, it would be terrible if there were a nuclear blast and you didn't notice it. > Club-goers will be intrigued by dresses or suits that will > change colour according to the heat of their body, the lights or > music. It's called A SWEAT STAIN, folks! > "The medical world, the media, the self-employed, defence, civil > protection authorities and security authorities are... (other) > sectors that are potentially interested in these new-generation > clothes," France Telecom said. Then they went back to talking about how the 80x25 Minitel screen was the technology of the future and how the Web was just a passing fad, eating snails all the while. > France Telecom, the biggest telecoms provider in France, is a > member of the consortium through its research unit, the National > Centre for Telecommunications Study (CNET). > A CNET researcher acknowledged that many problems had to be > overcome with the innovative clothes, such as the high initial cost, > where to place the operating switches and buttons and how to clean > the garments. Wait... French people clean their garments now? > Even so, this research "will provide the clothes that people > will be wearing three, five or 10 years down the road," when cars that can drive into the future will run them over. > communications will be completely integrated with garments, he told AFP. While talking through his hat. -- K. You know, like Jim Carrey in reverse. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 08:34:28 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > > > I'm not sure what you mean by this. > > > > --Terri > > Dear cheering fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. And, cheering fans, whatever you do, don't stick a "Followup-To" in there because CERTAIN PEOPLE with very square brains don't know about them. -- K. May I humbly suggest alt.sci.physics.plutonium? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2000 06:13:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! About ten times today, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Dear cheering fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. Hey, George, have you heard? They've To everyone else: Mr. Hammond is invented computers with 80-column screens congenitally unable to understand now. Just think, if you got one you'd be "Followup-To:" headers. Pick a able to see the stuff on the right. group, any group! -- K. -- K. now I'm now he's in stereo! in sane! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 07:52:41 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.yadda.yadda.yadda Chris Hillman (hillman@math.washington.edu) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > Kibo; dude.... > > Wow, do you call =God= "dude"? No? But you call the Guy Who Runs the > InterNet "Dude"?!! > > George, may I point out that it is wise to polite when addressing an > omnipotent being? Kibo is omnipoent. "omnipoent"? Do you mean to say that... I AM THE OMNI-POET!!! EVERYTHING RHYMES WITH KIBO!!! ...or that... I AM THE OMNI-PEON!!! EVERYONE CAN SPIT ON ME!!! ...or that... I AM THE OMNI-PANT!!! ONE SIZE FITS ALL!!! Your spelling is ambiguous, so I am going to assume that you meant all three because I wouldn't mind being spit upon if I were wearing universal clown pants that rhymed with "syzygy". > God is just his underling. For your information, God just runs Heaven. > Kibo runs the InterNet!! I bought it with all the royalties I earned by inventing the smiley back in 1977. > Take a risk here, George, and think. Think hard. Or try to. You might > very well blow out your remaining brain cells, but try to understand the > implications of this statement: God runs Heaven, but Kibo runs the > InterNet!! Can you wrap your mind about that without doing something to > yourself which approximates the effect of a DIRECT HIT BY A SUPERSONIC > POTATO ON A HOLLOWED OUT HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN HEAD?!! When you say "hollowed out" do you mean completely hollow inside, or just with the pumpkin slime scooped out so that something else of a similar size, such as a human head, can be placed inside? I think the latter would be better because an exploding head that was just like an exploding head inside a pumpkin would be a recursive way of defining the coolness of exploding heads, and then when George Hammond thinks too hard and his head explodes it'll be like there's a pumpkin around his exploding head which is like a pumpkin around another exploding head which is like a pumpkin around another exploding head, ad infinitum, and this there will be an infinite amount of pumpkin pieces all flying outwards from this one tiny exploding head. > > tell me sumpthin.. is "kibology" actually named after you? > > Wow, you could be the next winner of the DARW1N AWARD! You are really > just BEGG1NG for Kibo to aim his potato cannon at you and fire a > SUPERS0N1C SPUD at your swollen head!!! Now, now, scientists have proven that it is impossible for potatoes to fly faster than sound. Just like bees. I've tried strapping jet engines to bees to see if they can break Mach 1 but they just sit there getting flatter and flatter under the jet engine. So, let this be a lesson to you: NEXT TIME YOU FLY AIRTRAN, MAKE SURE YOUR FLIGHT ISN'T ON BOARD A JET CARVED OUT OF A POTATO! > And boy oh boy are you dumb, George. Of -course- "kibology" is named > after Kibo, the Guy Who Runs the InterNet. What did you -think-? That it > was named after Xenu?! The Has-Been Guy Who Once Ran the Universe? In > that case, it would be called "xenology", wouldn't it?! I mean, Duh!! The word "Duh!!" has an interesting property: If you say it, it makes you stupid, unless you say it in a sarcastic tone of voice, in which case it makes someone _else_ stupid. Now that we have discovered that shifting your tone of voice can make adjectives come unstick from you and bother someone else, I wonder if we can do the opposite. For instance, I want to be able to run up to Cindy Margolis and say "You're really sexy!" in a sarcastic way to make myself incredibly sexy. > > or am I just imagining weird behaviors by internetters. > > That too. In fact, you're just imagining the InterNet! In fact, you're > just imagining YOURSELF! You, me, God, Xenu, Tracy and Hepburn, Gilbert > and Sullivan, the City of Winooski, the atomic bomb, Swenson's Piano > Works, Madonna, Andy Kauffman, Dick Nixon, Dan Savage, the whole KIT AND > KABOODLE --- we're all just part of K1B0's DREAMZ! > > Chris "And Very Funny Dreamz They Are Too!" Hillman I'm trying to wake up, but all I can think about is that moment in the "Jabberwocky" opening title sequence when the little boy who looks like John F. Kennedy tries to kick his grandma in the knee but his foot just turns into a happy puppy that says "Arf!" so it's okay. Until I can fully grasp the moral message of that bit, I am doomed to stay asleep here with my pleasant dreams. -- K. Did I mention that now there's a new, shorter, less coherent version of the commercial where Grandpa puts on a diaper so he can scream at the bottle of pancake syrup that won't talk to him? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 11:44:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy.doidy In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The word "Duh!!" has an interesting property: If you say it, it makes > > you stupid, unless you say it in a sarcastic tone of voice, in which case > > it makes someone _else_ stupid. Now that we have discovered that shifting > > your tone of voice can make adjectives come unstick from you and bother > > someone else, I wonder if we can do the opposite. For instance, I want to > > be able to run up to Cindy Margolis and say "You're really sexy!" in a > > sarcastic way to make myself incredibly sexy. > > Christ... here J. Kibo Parry completely describes the world's principal > and most commonly known phenonomenological piece of evidence for the > existence of God... an actual laboratory-DEMONSTRATION of the physical > mechanism of God at work, and yet, I can't get anyone interested in an > actual theoretical explanation and proof of this. > Kibo is sitting there knowing what God is, See, George, it's because you're taking me seriously that nobody will ever take you seriously. > Hillman is sitting there knowing what Relativity is, and I'm sitting here > having demonstrated that the latter is the explanation of the former.... > sheesh..! I didn't realize your theory was proved by the fact that two different people ARE BOTH SITTING IN PLACES! Anyway, I'm getting up. To go to the bathroom. I'm sorry that I'm ruining your theory by going to the bathroom, but sometimes the evidence just doesn't hold up when you take a whiz. -- K. P.S. You never answered my question about invisible pickles that I didn't ask. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: KIBO FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF UNDERWEAR Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 09:25:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (verreleah@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm trying to wake up, but all I can think about is that moment in the > > "Jabberwocky" opening title sequence when the little boy who looks like > > John F. Kennedy tries to kick his grandma in the knee but his foot just > > turns into a happy puppy that says "Arf!" so it's okay. > > Kibo, > The point of the child's foot turning into a puppy when he attempts to > kick his mother in the shin is symbolic of men's relationship with the > matron figure. And his puppy. He's trying to kiss Mommy... with his foot... which his puppy ate! Or something. Why is he John F. Kennedy? STOP RUBBING IT IN THAT I'M NOT CRAZY ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THAT SHOW! I feel bad enough about not getting any of the jokes on "The Special Show!" > It represents the latent hostility present in an otherwise nurturing > relationship as pointed out in Walker's "Drama of > the Gifted Child". When the child attempts to hurt his mother, his > psyche .. here represented by the foot aimed at the patella ... he > cannot complete the action without a pedal transformation to a canine > state, here represenented by the word "ARF!" in big friendly letters. But they're sans-serif. I find serifs to be friendlier. Can you please find me a puppy that barks only in Roman letters? > Instead of the dog biting and hurting the mother figure, it simply barks > and then the child smiles. This shows that the latent hostility is not > able to manifest itself at this point in the child's development. I WANT A LATENT PUPPY!!! > Once the child reaches puberty, however, if the anger has not been approached > and conquered, we will see the puppy no more, and in its place will be a > GIANT FUCKING LIZARD HEAD with CHOMPING AKTION ready to rip the mother's > throat out. It will say "SNAGAGAGAGAG!!!" in even bigger friendlier > letters. Much like Mac's new OS. Waah! Apple said that Mac OS X was supposed to make candy come out of my computer but it just made a giant lizard head that ate all my candy and my face too! And it called me "Mommy"! > PS: Please explain to me the legs that sprout smiley faces from their > crotch. It's just to get you to say that sentence so we can have a Mass Kontext-Away Session to set a new world's record for the number of people using Kontext-Away during the same millisecond. > And what is the exact level of humor present in a chair that > wears underwear? Anything wearing underwear is funny. This is why nobody likes Ezio Greggio. > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy. Hey, Leah, if you could redesign the DejaNews user interface to look however you wanted, how would you make it look? What information would be in the list of articles, and shown in the headers of each individual article, and how would it be formatted? What special features would it have? THIS IS A COMPLETELY SERIOUS QUESTION! -- K. I think Bill Gates resigned as CEO today because he was scared of the scary dinosaur in Mac OS X, not just because Janet Reno wants to break up Microsoft into Mic, Ro, and Soft. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 06:36:20 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Kibo; dude.... > > tell me sumpthin.. is "kibology" actually named after > you? or am I just imagining weird behaviors by internetters. I don't think you're imagining weirdness on the Internet, I see plenty of it right here in sci.physics.relativity. Like, there's this nutball who worked really hard and made a cube out of swizzle sticks and will someday get the Nobel Prize for being the first person ever to own a cube. And then there's the guy who thinks England is a peninsula. Have you met him? You'd probably like him. -- K. Well, who the hell else could it be named after? P.S. Please do not glue these swizzle sticks together into a high school cafeteria style six-sider. Thank you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 06:42:44 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics Heather Anne Nicoll (darkhawk@mindspring.com) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > In the first place 50,000 of you people wouldn't > > scare me. Yes, you should be very proud that it only takes one of you to frighten 50,000 of us. > > In the second place, what the hell is "kibology"....? > > that isn't named after Kibo Parry is it..? > > Cookie! he gets a cookie! He gets a cookie, but _we_ get to watch the parade of dancing bears passing him by. Look at that purple one holding the big neon "CLUE" sign! And the one with the striped fur passing out leaflets with a diagram showing the route to the kiosk that passes out maps to where the guy who gives directions to the bear with the clue is! > > Boy- you people are kinky. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics . -- K. I kow they love reading about relativity as much as sci.physics.relativity loves reading about straitjackets with extra crotch straps. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 09:55:41 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Poot Rootbeer" (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > "Francesco Benvenuto" (fbenvenuto@tin.it) wrote: > > > > "Andrea Chen" (fallinghawks@earthlink.net) flamebaited: > > > > > > It's pretty obvious that Hammond's stuff is bizarre (a kind of > > > Jungian physics,) what is this need of you people to gather in a > > > pack and prove yourselves normal? > > > > Quite the opposite, I suppose. We are gathering in a pack and > > proving ourselves superhuman. Or something. > > I thought the point of Kibology was to prove ourselves bozos, and by > extension prove that everyone on Usenet is a bozo...??? No, it's to prove that we're BETTER at being bozos than they are. We're PROFESSIONALS! Also, "Poot Rootbeer", your name makes you look silly. And, "Francesco Benvenuto", you too have a silly made-up name. And "Andrea Chen", your name will make people think you're a woman and/or Chinese. You should change it to something else so that nobody could ever be prejudiced against you. Then the world would be perfect. But none of you three people can steal my name, because I've coated it with contact poison and don't you DARE touch it. -- K. AND STOP USING MY INITIAL IN THE MIDDLE OF ANY WORDS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:12:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > And I can tell you for a fact noted weather forecaster Roger Edwards > drinks warm flat diet dr. pepper from 2 liter bottle while forecasting. There's nothing wrong with that, except for the diet part. Just as long as it isn't caffeine-free Dr. Pepper, which is so icky that I have never even been in a state that sells it. Also, "flat" and "from a 2 liter bottle" are synonymous. CANS Can't taste anything but the fizz GLASS BOTTLES Just right, unless you slice your lip off PLASTIC BOTTLES Patented Insta-Flat(tm) technology And, of course, anything in a 3-liter bottle is BEYOND flat. This is because they want to rub it in that you're not manly enough to drink 3 liters in one sitting so it's your fault it went flat, but nobody realizes the stuff is flat even before you twist the cap off and throw it away. By the way, here's today's recipe from Kibo: Spicy barley that doesn't taste bland 1 box barley pilaf mix 1 packet Filipino caldereta mix circa 1/2 gal. bottled water Boil everything for a hellishly long time (to get the barley soft -- this is why I'm using a lot of water) and eventually eat it if you can. It will be rather spicy. But there's nothing like a double handful of caldereta powder to turn boring barley into WOW! NOW THAT'S BARLEY! -- K. IT TASTES LIKE A SUNBURN THAT NEVER ENDS! ONLY BETTER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:15:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.postmodern George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Dear raving fans... > please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteria style one liners. > Thank you. Hey, George, have you posted that twenty times yet? Once you rack up twenty identical messages you become eligible for a special gift from a friendly robot. -- K. A friendly KILLER robot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 04:46:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics.relativity, Paul Colby (Paul.Colby@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > First rank scientists > > as you know DO NOT engage in Internet activities.. they don't even > > have email addresses. > > Perhaps true, but I can only speak for myself. As a 10'th kind of guy > I still should be able to follow your explanation of how your work is > to be evaluated as a work of physics. Since your explanation is not > forthcoming I assume there isn't one. I don't even try to evaluate his theory as a work of physics because I realize that I am not stupid enough to understand it. Instead of a work of physics, I like to consider his theory as work of a chimp. > > My website has taken 5,000 hits in the past couple of months > > AND NOT ONE of those people has had anything to say- BECAUSE > > they are unqualified scientifically. > > If we apply Occham's toothbrush a more reasonable explanation is that the > entertainment value of your work exceeds its scientific value. I think you're confusing Occam's toothbrush with that famous Polaroid of George Hammond's toothbrush inserted into a very special place. > > I thought it would be worthwhile to post the discovery on the > > Internet... just to let people know about it... now I realize > > that's a waste of time... you have to sell them a book and let > > them pay for taking up your time. > > Perhaps you can learn. This is counter to my expectations. I'm not going to buy his imaginary book just to see if he learns anything. (I hate spending my money on imaginary books.) Tell you what, let's all PRETEND to buy his book and see if it makes him smarter and not richer. -- K. I'm pretending I'm reading his book right now, and it's just as funny as I expected it to be. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 04:37:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I'm about through with talking to people on the Internet. Please do not hack up this thread with cafeteria style DANCING BEARS THAT BRING EVERYONE GREAT TIDINGS OF JOY!!! Don't let the door hit your cubical head on the way out. (But please do remember to pull a Dan Sale as you go.) > It's taken me 3-months to find out WHO THE INTERNET IS. It took you three whole negative months to do that? Didn't you find out who God is in only 2 -months? > It turns out there are no first class Physicists or scientists > on the Internet. Hey! Someone tricked you! They secretly replaced the Internet with a baby's crib mirror with the word "Internet" written above it! > You're a Mathematician with advanced qualifications and there > are others... but you're not a Physicist, or a scientist for > that matter... or you would have dispensed with an evaluation > of this theory long ago... YOUR THEORY IS STUPID, THAT PROVES I AM A PHYSICIST. HAPPY NOW? > however, you're not scientifically capable of that. > Anyway.. the whole episode is beginning to bore me.. because > there is nobody qualified to talk to. First rank scientists > as you know DO NOT engage in Internet activities.. they don't even > have email addresses. They're too busy having wild orgies all the time. > My website has taken 5,000 hits in the past couple of months ah, so I assume your front page has 5,000 icons on it. > AND NOT ONE of those people has had anything to say- BECAUSE > they are unqualified scientifically. I see, so Stephen Hawking isn't a real scientist because he won't speak to you? > I thought it would be worthwhile to post the discovery on the > Internet... just to let people know about it... now I realize > that's a waste of time... you have to sell them a book and let > them pay for taking up your time. Then, eventually after > a few hundred thousand copies have been sold.. ...we'll still have about six minutes before the last protons in the Universe decay. > the big shot scientists are forced to evaluate the theory (e.g. Darwin, > Freud etc. discovered the same thing). > So long ... good luck with mathematics. That would be a thousand dollars times how many people? > George Hammond > ----------------------------------------------------------- > George Hammond, M.S. Physics > Email: ghammond@mediaone.net > Website: http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/index.html > ----------------------------------------------------------- You misspelled "Followup-To: I don't know what this header does." Your only friend, Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 04:52:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > Dear raving fans.. please do not hack up this thread > > > with high school cafeteria style one liners. > > > Thank you. > > > > Whee, nothing beats a new meme. To death. > > "GEORGE HAMMOND-LIKE TYPING DETECTED!" Dear raving fans... please do not hack up this thread with high school cafeteria style American Chop Suey. FOOOOOOOOOD FIGHT!!! GEORGE HAMMOND-LIKE FOOD FIGHTING DETECTED!!!! -- K. We need a term for someone who doesn't know about Followup-To no matter how often it's mentioned. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S.PHYSICIST FINDS RELATIVISTIC PROOF OF GOD Summary: GEORGE HAMMOND DOESN'T LOOK AT THE HEADERS X-George-Hammond-Doesnt-Look-At-The-Headers: GEORGE HAMMOND DOESN'T LOOK AT THE HEADERS Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 08:20:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Keywords: GEORGE HAMMOND DOESN'T LOOK AT THE HEADERS Followup-To: alt.GEORGE.HAMMOND.DOESN'T.KNOW.WHAT.THIS.HEADER.DOES<--LOOK! In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Now comes the amazing part. He tells the computer to compute the > eigenvectors of the matrix and print out their angular locations. > The computer prints out 13 eigenvectors and their mutual angles. > Taking 13 coffee stirrers the physicist decides to make a > mechanical model using the inter-vector angles that have just been > printed out. He mindlessly glues the 13 coffee stirrers together > using a protractor to set the angles, and Jumpin Jehosophat, it turns > out to be a PERFECT CUBE. One coffee stirrer on each of the 13 > symmetry axes of a PERFECT CUBE. > Now my question to you Mr. PhD scientist is this: What the Hell > would a totally blind experimental result like that mean to YOU? It would mean that you enjoy playing with sticks and glue and that you're so dense that you think you are the first person ever to build your own cube. > OBVIOUSLY, IT MEANS THAT SOMEWHERE, WHO KNOWS WHERE, > THERE MUST BE A CUBIC PHYSICAL CAUSE OF PSYCHOLOGY...!! BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS CUBICAL IF YOU'RE CRAZY ENOUGH!!! > Now this "hypothetical" experiment that I have just described, has > ACTUALLY OCCURRED in Psychology. 50 years and 1,000 researchers it > took to produce the data... and I AM THE PHYSICIST THAT MINDLESSLY > GLUED THE COFFEE STIRRERS TOGETHER ONE DAY AND DISCOVERED THAT IT > WAS A CUBE. I agree with you, at least as far as the longest word in the third line of the preceding paragraph goes. > (February 2, 1993 I think it was because I walked 2 > miles through a blinding snowstorm to send a letter about it to > Raymond B. Cattell who was then 90 and living in Hawaii) Was this letter written on the back of a shovel with a chunk of coal? Or were you instead dressed as Napoleon at the time? > I've published this result in the peer reviewed academic literature > (Hammond 1994) and a copy of the paper is posted on my website. At > the time of publication I had only discovered 7 of the axes, since > then I have confirmed all 13. Uh, George, I think the symmetry axes of cubes had already been discovered, like a few bazillion centuries ago. Around the time mirrors were invented, you know, when people stopped being complete bozos. And how many years did you stare at a cube without cracking any books that might use the term "symmetry group" in a sentence? > Now, there is no way you can call this a "brain fart". Yes, because that would imply you had a brain. Also, even a bozo like you should realize YOUR BRAIN ISN'T THE PART THAT FARTS! (In fact, in your case, it may be the only part that doesn't.) > The data is known to be replicable (give or take 5%) depending on who is > doing the experiment and how much money he has to spend. GOLLY I HOPE WHOEVER HE IS HE CAN AFFORD TO BUY THIRTEEN McDONALDS MEDIUM COFFEES TO GET A READY SUPPLY OF LITTLE STICKS THAT SAY "M" ON ONE END. What kind of glue were you using, and how much of it accidentally went up your nose? > All of the procedures are by the book classic hard science methods. You know, the book on scientific procedure written by Ronald McDonald. I'm going to recommend you to the McDonaldland Nobel Prize McCommittee! > Well, it turns out that I AM THE ONE WHO HAS DISCOVERED THE CUBE > AND- HAS DISCOVERED WHERE THE CUBE COMES FROM. It turns out that > the HUMAN BRAIN IS CUBIC. That's where it comes from. So, you're saying that every salt crystal in the world is at least as smart as you? By the way, I hope you patented your discovery of the cube before someone uses it in a consumer product somewhere. (I just patented the line segment and the point, so don't try building anything that has edges or vertices.) > I won't repeat it all again, but needless to say it is but a short > step from here to the scientific explanation of God. Yes, a short step across that flashing neon line that separates insanity from more insanity. > Factoring the cube once more collapses all the oblique symmetry axes > onto the 3-Normals (so called "x,y,z" axes).. so you just get three > axes of space. Add to that a single "time" dimension from the > "Mental Abilities" field known as IQ (mental speed), and you have > the entire 4x4 spacetime metric. That turns out to have curvature > just like it has in Physics and that curvature produces "God". > GOD IS THE FINAL EIGENVECTOR. QED there is a real God. Hey, look, George -- I just found a potato chip shaped like a trapezoid! From that, I have not only deduced the existence of Satan, Potsie, and Pikachu, but I have also disproven your theory, and you can't call me wrong because I JUST ATE THE POTATO CHIP!!! (Mmm, Satanlicious...) > Now the point of all this is that you asked me how you > would "evaluate this as a physics theory". > Well, that evaluation MUST BEGIN with a simple PHYSICS EVALUATION > of WHY IT WOULD BE that a perfect (all 13 axes) CUBE could possibly > appear in anything so seemingly mindless as 1,000 random "personality > loaded adjectives" taken from an unabridged dictionary. > THAT SIR I SUBMIT, IS A BONA FIDE PHYSICS PROBLEM, PURE AND SIMPLE. How do you know the dictionary was ACTUALLY unabridged? Did you count all the words to ensure it contained all 75,000 words you don't know? -- K. DEAR GEORGE HAMMOND, PLEASE DO NOT McHACK UP THIS THREAD WITH McDONALDS TAKE-OUT STYLE McONE McLINERS. (WORD THAT SOUNDS VAGUELY LIKE "THANK") YOU. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.accelerators,sci.physics.cond-matter,sci.physics.particle,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Linking Thermodynamics with Kinematics or Quantum Mechanics Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 08:44:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.physics.accelerators, sci.physics.cond-matter, sci.physics.particle, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I noticed a link recently between thermodynamics and mechanics > of physics. HOLY SHIT, ARCHIE NOTICED SOMETHING ABOUT PHYSICS! I guess this means his days of babbling constantly about anything and everything but science (including, but not limited to, strawberries, ice cream, candy bars, microwaved spaghetti, and Airstream trailers) are over. > I noticed this link as I was hauling my Airstream from Florida to > South Dakota about 1Jan. Wait, wait, retract the swear word. It slipped out before I remembered that The King Of Science can never concentrate on science for more than about five seconds. > I was sleeping in the Airstream and realized that as dawn approaches, > that this is the coldest moment (on statistical average) of the day. > The coldest moment of the day is the crack-of-dawn. GENIUS! I hope you can patent that discovery before someone else does! > And I realized in this revelation that the fastest speed of > a bicycle or vehicle is at the bottom of the hill. So, for efficiency, ALL of the hill should be at the bottom! > So, link the two. And there is an equivalency or equality > of the thermodynamics with the mechanics. Yeah, and the stupidest part of your head is in the middle too. I HAVE JUST LINKED PHYSICS TO YOUR BRAIN! But in a bad way. Sorry! You need a hug to cheer you up now that you know that you're stupid. *HUG* > I should develop the above much further but I suspect > someone else has already developed the above and that my > above linking together is probably not new. Although, it > might be new and the above is the first time anyone > recognized that thermodynamics is connected to mechanics > from this port. That reminds me, I need to reconfigure my network's firewall to block any port coming out of the mind of any ex-dishwasher whose favorite meal is spaghetti in a paper cup. -- K. So, Arch, now that you've been booted from Dartmouth, would you characterize y'self as "self-unemployed"? Also, who or what did they hire to replace you? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Burger King recalls mysteriously lethal featureless balls Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:30:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Today's psychiatrists would determine from this that I was doomed to grow > up to be a shy person, and would write a prescription for Paxil immediately. robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Is Paxil the Cool Table antidepressant of ARK? Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > http://www.paxil.com/index.asp tells me that it'll fix > Whatchagot's Disease! Social anxiety, panic disorder, depression, > and ocd. robert lindsay (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > To say nothing of bitterness. NOT THAT I"M BITTER!!!!! NOT ME!!! > > Oh for the good old days when antidepressants didn't have their > own webpage... Somehow this thread has strayed from the original topic of Pokemon to "things that make you hyper and cause brain damage". Hey, wait a minute... Does anyone else wish that scare about the Japanese cartoon that caused seizures had happened six months later? Because... you will recall... that it was a Pokemon cartoon. But it was big news when the mass media hadn't yet learned how to say the word "pokay-mon" so it's usually just remembered as A Japanese Cartoon that caused seizures. Now, imagine what would happen if that hadn't happened until THIS year, after all that media attention about how Pokemon killed that toddler by making him hold a ball over his nose. And, on a related story of things you can eat and/or balls... A few days ago, at Toys R Us, I saw cheap throwaway vinyl balls (the ones about 2/3 the size of basketballs, and come inflated to half-pound-per-square-inch pressure and cannot be reinflated) in a big bin. Nothing unusual about that. Every toy store has to have that nine-foot-high wire rack of 99c balls (with the little stickers on them certifying that they're not made by slave labor any more) because there COULD be a run on them tomorrow if kids ever decide they'd rather have a 99c ball than a fifty-dollar Pokemon video game with a real laser sword inside. Anyway, the particular balls I noticed showed Cookie Monster. Eating his way out of the inside of the ball. Does anyone else remember the "___ Ate My Balls" Web site, which went away a couple years ago? I remember around 1995 or so hearing about that one over and over (it was the Hamster Dance of its day), one of the five Web sites that people somehow found amusing enough to tell all their friends about. It was listed in every list of links to Vitally Important Web Sites Ever. And all it consisted of was a few crude pictures of people like Chewbacca saying "I AM EATING YOUR BALLS!" on the "Chewbacca Ate My Balls" page. There was a "Mr T. Ate My Balls" as well, and a few others. I seem to recall they had a page for "Cookie Monster Ate My Balls". So, anyway, I didn't buy any of those balls at the toy store. So Cookie Monster is eating someone else's balls. -- K. How comedy should NOT be explained: > Welcome to Backstreet Boys Ate My Balls Again! > This site is a joke so don't be too offended. ...from a site in the (ack) "Ate My Balls WebRing". Damn. I believed the Backstreet Boys were actually eating people's balls through the Web until I read that explanation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.culture.usenet From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Ontological problem. Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:34:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com What would happen if you ran up to Hitler and mentioned Usenet? Would the war end? -- K. Then what if you did it again? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ice skating, anyone? Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:41:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Darla (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > Does anyone know how to ice skate? > > I won the junior girl's single figures on the Cazenovia rink in 1961. > Does that count? No, because it was the JUNIOR competition and not a REAL one. It's like being proud of doing the JUNIOR Jumble! It's nowhere near as hard as the ADULT (Must Be Over 21) Jumble! (Why isn't there a TV Guide Junior with a just-for-kids crossword puzzle with none of those difficult three-letter words in it?) > > Could you teach me? > > Probably not, but... > > > ...I have a hunch my only problem was that my skates didn't fit > > properly -- they were too tight around the shins... > > You can stop right there. If you were wearing skates that came all the way > up to your shins, you should never have left the hot-cocoa-and-apple-cider > counter in the shelter. Good skates have room in the shoe for Thinsulate > (or similar) socks, and the shank should be lace-adjustable to your ankle > strength. NEVER buy skates that have too long or too short a boot shank--- > you'll end up with a boot-top spiral fracture if you hook a pick on some bad > ice. Don't buy them at PayLess--- go to a reputable skate or sports shoe > shop. Darla, I think you're forgetting the main problem: He's male. -- K. Women like watching figure skating. Men like watching The Three Stooges. There, I've just ruined another title that John Gray had his eye on. (I think he likes watching The Stooges ice-skating, if you know what I mean.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Archives, She Explode Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 11:55:50 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > lots42@aol.com wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > Why did only 18 posts make it to ARK between 4 am and 2 pm? Is it a > > > cancelbot? Did everyone finally pass out from the Bacchanalian > > > debauchery of New Year's? > > > > Silly Stacia. It was the Kiborgy. Didn't anyone invite you? Though it > > was weird how those few people managed to post, much less get the > > computer working after the tidal wave of bannana-flavored motion lotion > > swept through the living room. > > Ugh. Banana. Hey! Stop stealing memes from upcoming episodes of "The Special Show" before I can even write them! MICHAEL JORDAN So you see, Little Billy, my disembodied head, Lucille Ball's eye makeup, and Lobotomized Tonto all ride The Little Bus, and you should too. LITTLE BILLY Radical! TONTO Ugh! Ba - na - na! (THE SCREEN FILLS WITH THE WORD "BANANA" SWIRLING AROUND IN PYSCHEDELIC LETTERS. SEVERAL OOMPA-LOOMPAS ENTER AND BEGIN CHANTING "BA - NA - NA! BA - NA - NA!" THEY ALL HAVE LARGE SCARS ACROSS THEIR FOREHEADS.) LITTLE BILLY When I grow up, I wanna have a lobommity just like you, Tonto! TONTO Ugh! Ba - na - na! KIBO I'd just like to step in here to point out that Stacia doesn't know the difference between Bacchanalia and Saturnalia. THE END! (SCREEN GOES BLACK. WE FAINTLY HEAR LUCILLE BALL SAYING, "BA - NA - WAAAH!") > True story: my roomie used to like banana-flavored stuff. Even the > Lik-M-Aid powdered candy stuff in "happy banana" flavor. After I spent a > good four seconds around him screaming bloody murder any time a real or > faux banana got anywhere near me, he started disliking banana-flavored > stuff, too. > Except bananas, as in the actual naughty-shaped yellow fruit. This boy > eats more bananas than Jack Benny, Except bananas also come in red and green. Jack Benny only came in a pink frilly lace housedress. With Ed Wood's house around it. -- K. Stacia doesn't know her Roman pagan rites and I do! BA - NEENER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Presidental Fitness Test Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:04:15 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com lots42@aol.com wrote: > > Does Clinton really CARE that several thousand kids ran the mile during gym > class without keeling over and dying? I have a "Presidential ACADEMIC Fitness Certificate" personally signed by the autopen of Ronald Wilson Reagan itself. "MR. PRESIDENT, WAKE UP! YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH THE BUTTON THAT SIGNS THIS CERTIFICATE PROVING THAT YOU CARE THAT SOME ELEVENTH-GRADER GOT IN THE TOP FIFTY PERCENTILES ON THE S.A.T.'S! THE MACHINE ONLY WORKS IF YOU AND THE VICE PRESIDENT TURN YOUR KEYS AT THE SAME TIME!" (click) "OKAY, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT! GO BACK TO SLEEP! WE'LL HANDLE THAT WAR THING! WE'LL WAKE YOU NEXT TIME A KID PASSES MATH!" I think I still have somewhere a certificate for a FREE pair of olive-drab socks that say "ARMY" on them which I could receive if I just joined the Army for four years. Having a wicked high S.A.T. score (ABOVE AVERAGE!) qualifies you for FREE ARMY SOCKS JUST LIKE THE ONES YOU GET WHEN YOU'RE IN THE ARMY! AND ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET THEM IS JOIN THE ARMY! THEN YOU CAN WEAR YOUR ARMY SOCKS FOR FIVE MINUTES BEFORE THEY TAKE YOUR CLOTHES AWAY AND GIVE YOU IDENTICAL SOCKS! THAT'S HOW THEY DEPERSONALIZE YOU TO MAKE YOU A BETTER SOLDIER! THAT AND THE DRILL SARGEANTS SHOUTING IN ALL CAPITALS! -- K. THIS POST HAS AN UNUSUALLY HIGH CAPS-TO-MINUSCULES RATIO! WE DON'T NEED NO SHIFT-LOCK KEY, HOLDING SHIFT DOWN WORKS FOR ME! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Space on the Brane. Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:07:45 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "WWS" (wschmidt@tyler.net) wrote: > > From the Dallas Morning News science section, 1/3/2000: > > "In the Randall-Sundrum picture, though, gravity does not have the > same strength everywhere. Gravitons, the particles that transmit > gravity, would condense most densely around some brane. Suppose, > Dr. Lykken explained at a recent cosmology conference, that > humanity's brane resides a tiny distance away from this prime > gravity brane. If so, gravity could be weakened by just enough > to match its observed strength. By displacing our universe from > the center of space, the way Copernicus displaced the Earth, a > basic problem in physical theory goes away." "Give me a long enough lever and a place to stand, or I'll kill you!" -- Copernicus But seriously, yes, we should solve all the world's problems by moving the Universe. Do you think we'd need a piano crane? Or should we each just lift it around the edges? -- K. Cosmology's new "M-branes" are no match for Apple's new "i-branes" which come in puce, fucshia, mauve, lavender, and Barbie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I invented a new word Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:12:41 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Aldo Pignotti (geturner@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I, Aldo Pignotti have invented a much needed word. The > word is "borange" and it rhymes with orange. It refers > to the group or range of people or topics that make a newsgroup > boring. This thread, for example is well within the borange > of alt.religion.kibology. Great, now I'm going to spend all night trying to figure out if there's a word that rhymes with borange. -- K. Any word near "borange" in the dictionary is within its neighborange. P.S. THOSE OF YOU OUTSIDE THE SPHERE OF BORANGITUDE ARE PROBABLY AWARE THAT MY WEB SITE ALREADY HAS A *PHOTO* OF A WORD THAT RHYMES WITH "BORANGE": "EXPLORANGE" FLAVORED PLAY-DOH. Freudian typo: The first time I typed that, it came out "flavored Play-Dog." Poor Spot! He was explorange flavored, and he didn't even know what that was! Also he dried out after being out of the can for ten minutes. The End! Incidentally, I need to go to bed now. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Scribbles Date: Sat, 8 Jan 2000 12:20:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Why do some people write their names on the credit card receipts as > illegible chicken scratch? I know my handwriting isn't great but at > least you can tell an A is an A and a P is a P. AHA, Mr. I-Don't-Use-An-Actual-Name-On-The-Internet, and oh what a giveaway! We've all just figured our your real identity! So, please tell us, have you stopped eating your own poop, A.P.? -- K. ALSO THAT SECRET MORSE CODE IN "SPY VS. SPY" SPELLS OUT "BY PROHIAS"! DON'T TELL ANYONE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Battlestar Galactica: The Movie: The Wacky Parody! Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 07:43:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I promised that I would post a parody of "Battlestar Galactica: The Movie" (the new movie, not any of the other three ones they tried to pass off as movies) if Matt posts a pastiche of the back third of a "Dilbert" book (the part about how evolution is a fraud.) So, here it is: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA 2000 Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Starring The Guy Who Played Apollo, Ed Begley Jr. As Ensign Greenbean, Milton Berle As Himself, And The Voice Of Patrick MacNee as "Frackula". Act I Scene I FADE IN. FLOP. THE END. I was just going to insert a cassette of "Spaceballs" instead, but I didn't think it was stupid enough to pass for a "Battlestar Galactica" movie. Now Matt owes us a "Dilbert" book. -- K. Has anyone out there ever seen the pilot episode they filmed for the LIVE-ACTION "Dilbert" show? I've always figured that was what inspired "The Drew Carey Show". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Word I never want to hear again. Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 07:51:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Made-up term I saw on a Web site: "e-lerts" You can sign up for "e-lerts" to receive important spam^H^H^H^Hnews about the particular site. I have a hunch that I never want to receive anything important enough to qualify as an "e-lert". -- K. And if I see any bees, I'll post a b-lert. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Farewell to my oldest surviving friend. Date: Sun, 9 Jan 2000 10:14:56 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Before I reflect on an important turning point, I would first like to say a few words about another: The year 2000. Every few days, whenever all the important matters in my life stop for a few seconds (usually while I'm waiting for a bus), I'll realize "Holy crap! I'm now living in the year TWO THOUSAND!" and then I'll forget it again for a few days before I remember it again. It's THAT important. But far more important to me is the close personal relationship with my pillow. I have had the same pillow (in different pillowcases) for about 25 years. I recall Woolworth's didn't have the kind I wanted (upon graduation from the little kid-sized pillow to a grownup-sized pillow) so we had to go to that new "K-Mart" store. This pillow from the early 1970s was made back in the days when it was easy (as opposed to almost impossible) to get a pillow made from _real_ foam rubber. I don't mean that sponge-like plastic you see everywhere. I mean foam _rubber_ as in actual latex-tree sap. This pillow was soft and squishy as a marshmallow and I am so habituated to it that I have extreme difficulty sleeping on an ordinary thick, firm pillow. I have usually taken this pillow with me when travelling because I am addicted to its marshmallowyness. (Also, I sleep face down, so a relatively squooshy pillow is important in preserving my good looks.) This 25-year-old pillow was (I think) once light blue with little white flowers printed on the cloth cover. (Now it's tan with tan flowers.) It has a zinc-galvanized zipper at one end that still works, although it's come detached from the pillow itself. The foam inside has turned the color of overcooked french fries, with a dark brown layer on the outside. The dark brown is stuck to the cloth cover, and the interior is crumbling, which has made this pillow a little lumpy. Also it tends to drip bits of foam rubber all over the floor whenever I take off the pillowcase to wash it. It used to have my name written on it in green magic marker (for camp) but I can't find where the name once was. Well, seeing as my old friend the squishy pillow has survived into the year 2000, I am now retiring it and replacing it with the closest substitute I could get -- an 80% polyester fiber 20% polyurethane foam pillow. Like all modern pillows (except the throwaway ones on airlines) it's about three times as thick as the one I loved, but hopefully it'll flatten out after a decade or so. If it turns out to be uncomfortable springy I guess I'll just have to order one of those super-expensive real foam latex pillows handmade by monks in Sri Lanka (I am not making this up. Actual foam rubber is hard to get because a few spoilsports are allergic to everything but plastic.) I am giving my old pillow a decent funeral by tossing it down the incinerator chute, where it will probably explode, or at least toast like a marshmallow. The new pillow had a four-page tag attached (rather, four tags in the same spot) warning me about all the potentially pillow-related hazards that I'm not able to sue them for whether I remove the tags or not, and that it has a pillow covering satisfying the Federal Requirement For Pillow Coverings. I hate planned obsolescence. Why can't they make a pillow that will last more than 25 years? I want my old pillow back already. Or at least a non-rancid one with the same shape and texture. And why did Woolworth's have to go out of business? Their pet department always had prettier guppies than K-Mart when I was a kid. -- K. And why can't I sleep on my back? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I am happy knowing that opera fans are a dumb as you or I! Date: Mon, 10 Jan 2000 08:53:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > Subject: No-Show Pavarotti Booed in Spain > > MADRID, Spain (AP) -- Italian tenor Luciano Pavarotti was booed > heavily in absentia by Spanish opera lovers who were angry because > he didn't show up for a concert. It's nice knowing that when you get a large group of opera fans together they develop a collective intelligence... of Homer Simpson. -- K. They must all like Hitler because they weren't booing him even though he wasn't there. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Subject line of the day Date: Tue, 11 Jan 2000 05:14:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.bio.technology, I just saw: > > Subject: culturing shiitake spawn I would just like to say I haven't gotten over "Need help quenching autofluorescence in nudibranch brain" yet, and now I also have the above phrase running through the other hemisphere of my brain... -- K. That and Tom Verre's pronunciation of the word "chorizo". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: This is the most important TV commercial ever. Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 07:09:21 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Hi, this is Cliff Robertson. Have you picked an operating system yet? If not, soon someone will choose for you. And you know how that can make you feel. (Picture of Dick van Dyke turning into a marionette.) So be sure to sign up with Southwestern Windows now, and not WinSouth or PacWindows or U S Windows or New York & New England Windex. Remember, all the OTHER regional Windows companies are evil, but not us. We're no more evil than the original Microsoft was. And now, back to your regularly-scheduled entertainment. -- K. ALL ENTERTAINMENT IS COPYRIGHT (C) DISNEY AND/OR AOL. P.S. And last week, Bill Clinton announced he was creating a "ROTC-style" program to train college students to fight evil computer hackers. I figure that one day a week cadets in this elite cyberforce will have to wear their official uniform all over campus, consisting of a latex bodysuit, VR goggles, and hockey gloves with random resistors and capacitors glued to the back. Unless movies have been lying to be again but obviously Bill Clinton wouldn't have announced this if it were stupid! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y2Babies. Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 08:05:03 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Some of the worst poetry in the world will be written by people born this > month, for their parents are likely to have made a drastic family planning > decision based on their desire to have a millennium baby. > > The very term "Millennium Baby" sounds like an overhyped toy, or perhaps > some genetically-engineered baby you'd find on the black market. But > perhaps it could be a term for a symptom of a social problem, like crack > babies. I AM GOING TO KEEP CRYING WHILE HOLDING MY BREATH AND TURNING BLUE FOR THE WHOLE MILLENNIUM UNLESS YOU PEOPLE ADMIT THAT I AM A BIG MILLENNIUM BABY!!! > I was watching CNN, and I saw a new mother in the hospital saying it would > have been nice to get the million dollars plus college tuition. If only > the baby had been six days earlier. I just know this little sentiment > will somehow leak out when the child is seven and makes too much noise > while Mommy is trying to nap. Lucille Ball simply scheduled a Caesarian delivery for exactly 8:27 P.M. on the Monday that the show about her giving birth was broadcast, and she even made the doctors deliver a boy baby, because the pretend one on TV was a boy and she wanted Desi Arnaz Jr. to match her imaginary son. And then Marcia Brady fell in love with him. So, you see, that woman on CNN was stupid for not simply asking her doctors to deliver the baby on the right day. Women are so dumb! I mean, they waste all that time when they're having babies! > These millennium babies will probably seek each other out in fifteen years, > and form gangs or something. Or perhaps a secret society dedicated to > secretly sterilizing the population. SECRETLY? You mean you can't taste the saltpeter in your McLean Deluxe? > By the way, I also saw on CNN that in Italy, there are more people dying > than being born, and apparently this is a problem. Yes, because if it keeps up, the population will go negative, and then all these anti-Italians will be running around eating the opposite of pasta and not liking Roberto Benigni and Ezio Greggio. It would be just like being on the Bizarro World, except for the part about nobody liking Ezio Greggio. -- K. Francesco Benvenuto will now explain whether or not the Italians who wear red underwear for luck are the same ones who made Ezio Greggio a national treasure. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Y2Babies. Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 08:12:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "llow" (llow@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > Names, in the 80's, then 90's, and now 00's have been deteriorationing. > > > > Bad poets will, in their teens in the teens, be finding rhymes for > > love-interests with NAMES such as Kyryshti, Ballpeen, and FlipOtter, > > not to mention Kryten, Mira, or Hiro Protagonist. And then in the > > neo-Victorian 2030's, embarassed adults will have to PRETEND the > > powtrry was deep and meaningfilling. > > Later on the problem will solve itself, because (as I have explained > before) the persistent higher status of boy names as tokens of social and > economic power means that parents want to give their girls boy names but > not their boys girl names, so all names eventually become girl names by > association and then boys cannot have them any more. So then the boys > will just have numbers, and it will become popular to give girls the same > numbers, and girl names will just chase boy names up to higher and higher > cardinalities. So we just need to find rhymes for numbers. It's already happening, Matt. Although Dean Lenort (who has a MADE-UP last name) and Robert Lindsay (whose name is ACTUALLY in all lowercase but I can't type it that way on this keyboard) have been working to cover it up, NASA has started assigning its employees space-age Logan's-Run-ariffic funnumbertastic names with numbers stuck to them. For instance, there's this NASA guy who keeps posting Mission Status Reports to sci.space.shuttle named "Buckingham-1, Bruce". From there it's only a small step to implementing Kurt Vonnegut's plan to giving everyone names containing a number followed by a comma plus a chemical element or state flower, like "Lenort-77, Adamantium", "Lindsay-103, Linseed", and "Irvin-55 (Mc), Electrum". -- K. (I learned the periodic table from an educational game called "Dungeons & Dragons".) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stupid dream #293 Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 08:21:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > OK, I took some NyQuil last night to knock out this cold I may or may not > have. So at first I just have spooky NyQuil am-I-sleeping-or-not hazes. I feel that way whenever an episode of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" comes on where she spends all day hanging around with Cloris Leachman. > Then I wake up, have some waffles and go back to sleep. When I make waffles, I fill every one of the little squares with a different kind of syrup, frosting, or dessert topping. Because I am more sophisticated than you. Also I make my butler put them into the toaster for me. > Marked improvement! First I have some weirdness involving an apartment > building or a giant hotel or something, then something else involving > aliens... Then I dream that my cat is still alive and that I'm keeping > it inside my apartment. Never letting it out so the landlord doesn't > know. OK, but where does it poop, then? I don't have a litter box. You do NOW! Look in what used to be your stamp collection. > I don't notice any smell either, so I just let it loose on the balcony > where it must first face off with a dog that looks like a dog we used > to have, but doesn't answer to its name. It scampers back inside, and > well, end of this stage of the dream. > > But, that's not why I'm posting this. Why, you're posting to the Internet because you can't find your litter box, silly person. I often post my thoughts to the Internet because I don't have another good place to put them because my butler is tying up my paper shredder with my receipts for all those porn videos I make him rent for me. > The reason I'm posting is because I can definitively say that I dream > in color. > > Because the last dream I had, before waking up, was that I could change > the color of objects with my mind. > > You may think flying is cool, but you can't beat remote changing of > colors. Big deal. I do that all day. It's just that the rest of you have a very special kind of color-blindness that doesn't allow you to see user-defined colors. So, Nick, even though I've just turned your head splurple with explorange dots, you'll never know it. -- K. If the colorblindness test is named "Ishihara", is the sneezing test named "Redgreenblue"? I need to know in case I ever get assigned to write a paper on it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If I had untold millions Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 08:27:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > ... or, most likely of all, George Hammond and Archimedes Plutonium > > being awarded a joint noble prize in physics for their study of cubic shaped > > plutonium atoms being the one true source of superdeterminism. > > Hey, yeah. > > yeah. > > Fight to the death between AP and George Hammond. Who would win? > > Archie says the whole universe is a plutonium atom. George says the whole > universe is a cube. I just had a revelation. THEY CAN'T BOTH BE RIGHT! > > Unless plutonium atoms are cubes. Maybe George can do a hostile takeover of > Archie's theory, subject to approval by the US Department of Justice (I > think the US has jurisdiction over Archie's theory since it's the only > superpowerdom.) If _I_ had millions of dollars, I wouldn't waste it on those two, I'd use it to discover what the Universe is _really_ made of. Then I'd award myself the Nobel Prize and zillions of dollars of prize money and then I'd be even richer and could afford to make even more important discoveries and win a prize ten kajillion times as important as the Nobel Prize and then I could die happy, unless I discovered immortality, which I would because I'd be so rich that it would be impossible not to. In fact, I'd be so rich that I'd have a specially-designed machine built for me (by the Rand corporation) that would instantly discover immortality whenever I pushed the button. And I'd hire all the scientists in the world to push the button for me and the machine would also dispense mint juleps so I'd have something to drink while the scientists did my work. -- K. P.S. Also, Hammond doesn't say the Universe is a cube, he says the _brain_ is a cube. I think in his case, it's a Rubik's Cube, and he's got it scrambled in a state where we can only ever solve five of the sides. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: kook-baiting: why? Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 08:49:47 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.followups.set.just.in.case.george.hammond.is.reading.this "b r e t t" (bretts@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote: > > Kibo's followups to Archie Pu's articles are dreadfully unfunny. I've > often wondered why he keeps at it, hundreds of lines a week, when he > produces such witty and entertaining material on other topics. No I don't, you big booger! > The endless harrassment of this one very strange person Oh, so now he's strange and I'm not? You're looking at Kibo through sane-colored glasses! > does nothing for me beyond forcing me to go find the original posts, > which are far more entertaining. I am sorry I am forcing you to be entertained. I do my best not to do that. > Of course, Kibo can post whatever he wants - I'm not saying he > shouldn't be Allowed. But what I'd like to know is: what's the point? I AM SORRY I IGNORED YOUR RULE THAT KIBOLOGY HAS TO HAVE A POINT! I AM SORRY FOR NOT FOLLOWING THE RULES OF YOUR NEWSGROUP HERE ON ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME MISTER MAN SIR!!! So, "b r e t t", I promise to stop doing whatever the fuck I want and to go back to just telling the same back-of-the-paper-cup-quality riddle over and over ("WHY DID THE GERM CROSS THE MICROSCOPE? TO GET TO THE OTHER SLIDE!") like I did back when you first decided you wanted to read every article I ever posted to alt.religion.kibology, back when alt.religion.kibology was all kitties and balloons and I never used words like "fuck". Wait a minute, I never posted that riddle! And alt.religion.kibology was never all kitties and balloons! And I still never use the word "fuck"! B rett, you're mean for making me say "fuck" here on this Internet to end the era of kitties and balloons forever! SHAME ON YOU FOR DEPRIVING COUNTLESS MILLIONS OF THEIR KITTY AND/OR BALLOON, YOU MEANIE! And I was all set to unveil "Kitty & Balloon Convenience Pack 2000: Kitty In A Balloon" too. I guess I'll just have to have the bulldozer plow them into the dump above that layer of Atari 2600 "E.T." cartridges. > Encouraging Archie to focus on his persecution complex does little > to advance Plutonium Physics, which seems (to me) far more Kibological > than pointing at someone who's a little cracked and saying, "HA HA! > This guy's pretty cracked isn't he? Isn't that funny?" week in and > week out. Why would I do that? Plenty of people already do that. I remember the days when other people cared enough to follow up to Archie so I wouldn't have to. So get off your lazy butts and talk to him so I won't have to. I'm tired of being his only friend! -- K. Also, I fail to see how posting followups to someone else's articles is "kook-baiting", unless you mean the kooks are baiting us into replying. WHAT A TRAGIC WASTE OF THE INTERNET, SEEING SOMEONE ELSE RESPOND TO SOMEONE ELSE! P.S. The best reason to reply to someone else's article is when someone tells you you shouldn't. Because the Constitution says to, in the part about the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: kook-baiting: why? X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 11:15:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote: > > "b r e t t" (bretts@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > Kibo's followups to Archie Pu's articles are dreadfully unfunny. I've > > often wondered why he keeps at it, hundreds of lines a week > > Kibo is a cruel god. In my view you're not a god if you don't use your powers. You're just some guy named Fred who is wearing a T-shirt which says "I swear I'm a god even though there is no difference between me and any other guy." > But, BUT, notice that the Archie Pu "Follow-Up To:" is always set ONLY to > a.r.k. In Hammond's case, he most recently set "Follow-Up To:" > alt.DUH!...! And TOLD Hammond (over and over again) to look at the > follow-ups line. And alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics should be GLAD I've been sending him over there to entertain them, dammit! Brett, you might want to read that group if you like insane physics kooks and/or sick sex. > Francesco Benvenuto is right. We're ALL in the asylum here, > and Kibo is the bull goose looney. I am the Moonbase Alpha male. I am the top of the pecking order with a side order of fries. I am the King of Terror. I am the only guy ever to say THIS sentence. -- K. "Dreadfully unfunny"? Is that like being LESS than not funny? In that case, I should at least get recognition for having special Ed Wood-style camp value. Also, what subject is there that I _don't_ post a hundred lines a week about? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Warning: That's Not Nougat! Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 08:53:38 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com A British candy bar just told me that it contains a layer of "nougatine". Great, they've found a way to mix nougat and Vaseline. -- K. I am getting really tired of that ad that plays on CNN Headline News every night after 3 A.M., "This is the one Bee Gees album you HAVE to own!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Warning: That's Not Nougat! Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 09:28:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Kenton 'The Great Requiem' Cernea (requiem@nemonet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > A British candy bar just told me that it contains a layer of "nougatine". > > > > Great, they've found a way to mix nougat and Vaseline. > > > Could be worse! Could be nougat and poutine. Oh, nougat and poutine. That would be poutine with gummy brown stuff in it. And there would be a little sign sticking out of it to inform you that it has nougat in it because you wouldn't be able to tell it from the usual gummy brown stuff in poutine. By the way, if you're ever in Canada and you want to scrape the bottom of the barrel canned-food-wise, buy some of those canned meatballs in tan gravy that every supermarket has too many of. I think they're made from a mixture of used hot dogs, ear wax, and that rotten foam-rubber pillow I threw out. -- K. I WANT MY OLD PILLOW BACK! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: January 12th Is My Birthday Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 09:10:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Darla (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Subject: January 12th Is My Birthday > > ...and NObody here guessed it correctly. How do you know? Just because we didn't bother getting you anything doesn't mean we didn't consider it for a few seconds. > Furthermore, I received NO durian gift basket ...THAT WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER! > and NO singing sunflowers, Kibo did NOT appear on my doorstep this > morning with PopTarts and sparkly red Orbitz, Harlan did NOT phone to > sing me "Happy Birthday To You," Shiro did NOT write me a birthday haiku, > I am NOT mentioned in Jaffo's Journal (again), and Nick has yet to reply > to ANY post of mine EVER. Hey, they're trying to split Microsoft into three "Baby Bills". That should provide endless hours of governmental and/or news-media-generated bozosity so we won't have to look as far for stuff to make fun of. You won't even have to leave your living room to find something stupid. You'll just have to turn on your TV! So what are you complaining about? TV has just gotten stupider in a way which could make you look witty! I already dibsed the pun "New York & New England Windex" though. But all the other puns about "Baby Bills" are up for grabs. Except "Baby Bills", which CNN will use about 10,000 times this month. > *sulk* You're sulking very loud. I'm glad you didn't sulk in ALL CAPS or the neighbors would be calling up to ask you to mope more quietly. Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > But seriously, did you ever stop to consider that maybe you're just being > a little impatient ... Darla (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I don't think so. I am not a "little" anything. > (Kibo will now make a fat joke) No I won't! I'd never do that! It would be mean and I'm only allowed to be mean to Archimedes Plutonium! Besides, I don't even have any idea how fat you are. -- K. I have just declared January 12th to also be Spot's birthday so that Darla won't feel so lonely about being the only one who doesn't get any presents then. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLA! AND NOBODY GIVE SPOT ANYTHING! P.S. Darla, you need a hug! So please find someone to hug you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Breakthru Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 09:59:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I've met with my therapist twice... > > He was wearing the same thing both times.. > > and so was I, it seems. "And how my therapist got into my clothes while I was wearing them, I'll never know!" (WACKY MUSIC STING.) > But last week, it appeared that we were wearing the same outfit. This > week, it appeared that our outfits were different from each other. > > I'd better remember to wear something different next time, or I think he > might have me hospitalized. Why? Have you been wearing a straitjacket to his office? Here's a tip: For your next visit, wear a clown suit. Then if he asks why you did that, say, "Because I was hoping it would make you look like a bozo!" Then hit him with a cream pie. Because everyone finds people covered with white makeup throwing cream pies at each other to be funny funny funny. -- K. If clowns are so funny, why do they have to wear those suits that are the visual equivalent of an all-toddler laughtrack and/or the words "WACKY MUSIC STING" in a typewriter font? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pez Perfume Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 10:08:32 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In article (6364F4E41A674BB3.7F43E8C060FAF5B0.0B784E8FEDF28794@lp.airnews.net), AUGH! THE GHOST OF LEE BUMGARNER IS HAUNTING YOUR PROLAPSED MESSAGE-ID! Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > Yep, unless National Public Radio was trolling me this morning, > they are going to be marketing Pez Perfume. If you spray it on Pez, it makes them smell good. > Kibochyx interested in seducing Leader Kibo should go for the > Canadian Cherry scent. Oh dear, I sense people uncorking bottles of Kontext-Away right now. No, wait! The wacky "k" spelling of "context" has collided with the wacky "yx" spelling of "chicks", creating an inescapable vortex of KRE8IF ZPELLLINK, automatically destroying ALL of this post, including the context parts you didn't even know were there! Therefore, Kontext-Away has been rendered YOUZLEZZ!! > There was no mention of any intent to market new flavors of Pez, They already had "flower flavored Psychedelic Pez" around 1970. I am not making this up. They came in the form of a Black Power fist clutching some guy's eyeball. This is what caused those race riots in Boston, and thus there are no longer any good flavors of Pez in the United States, just ones that no black people could care about. -- K. Okay, I made up the stuff that I didn't say I didn't make up. Of course, everyone on the Internet should always assume everyone does that anyhow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S. PHYSICIST FOR JAMES BOND Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 10:20:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > I would like to nominate George Hammond to play the next James Bond. > I want to see how he handles all the high school cafeteria style one liners. Just to ensure that he is exposed to as much time in the high school cafeteria environment as possible, I say he should play James Bond Junior. Unless, of course, he talks too funny to be any of the voices on "James Bond Junior". Ha! I just re-activated long-dormant brain cells in thousands of people who thought they had managed to expunge that lame cartoon from their brains! And now I dirtied up their brains again with thoughts of Q's offspring "I.Q." and that Russian woman who kept saying "CHAIMS BOND CHOONIOR!" And how it always was sandwiched between two episodes of "Captain Planet And The Planeteers"! From the first season! Before it became "The New Adventures Of Captain Planet And The Planeteers" and got STUPID! To further demonstrate my special skill at harnessing the power of the Internet to save the lives of brain cells that people are trying to wish into oblivion: 1 ---> _The Official Preppy Handbook_ 2 ---> Rick Springfield 3 ---> the Amana Radar Range 4 ---> Arbor Day 5 ---> new improved Honeycomb that tasted bad 6 ---> "The Funky Phantom of 1776" 7 ---> computers that had 40 columns or fewer 8 ---> Emmanuel Lewis 9 ---> the first time you saw a Pop-O-Matic 10 ---> the last time you wet the bed -- K. I'll keep reminding you about the last one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: uhlo Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 10:22:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Erik Gertsen (gundam@pioneeris.net) wrote [quoted in full]: > > if youre reading this it means somone actualy gets mail from my account. > thank god. > > Gundam You're welcome. -- Goddam ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Astraldome is ready Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 10:34:01 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.out-of-body, Julia Hawkes-Moore (hawksmoor@dial.pipex.com) wrote: > > Hello, all I got the chance for a long meditation this afternoon, > so I have finished constructing the Astraldome. I took in a few of > Bruce's suggestions (snigger) so I have added a few things... > > As the Group's fantasy architect, I'd like to welcome you all to a > stunning titanium 'Astraldome', easy to find on the Astral Plane > (that's the first and easiest one to get to!). The dome is located in > the cheart of a tranquil lamplit Japanese-style garden of stately > cedar trees, trickling streamlets and moss-covered rocks. > I have fully welded the geodhesic titanium structure - I got A+ > for welding in real life, so it should be sturdy enough to resist even > the Astral winds! Welding titanium gives the heat effect of rainbows > bouncing down the welding seals on the framework, the way that petrol > shines in rainbows on puddles in the road. > The triangular canopied entrance is lined with four of Floating's > plain white marble pillars.The Astraldome is ringed by a shining > mirror-smooth pool, scattered with waterlilies. You cross over a > gently curving wooden bridge to reach the dome. > Inside, a central circular slab-like granite hearth with a blazing > apple-wood log fire.The smoke rises up a gleaming copper-funnelled > chimney to the crown of the dome. Triangular windows in the structure > give glimpses into the lamplit garden and the starlit sky. A warm > beech plank floor, smooth, golden and glossy, strewn with glowing > oriental rugs. A ring of comfortable chairs around the fire. A long > table laden with everyone's favourite food and drink. Pots of vibrant > flowers and leafy plants. People could add their own art, sculpture, > music and writings. > You can feel entirely safe from scary hags and other Astral > naughties, as my Angel and I constructed an elaborate protection > system around the dome, insulating it with a thick layer of fluffy > pink love. Swimming in the pool is a pair of the Sacred Celtic Salmon > of Truth - ask them questions and they will answer, albeit > cryptically! (Please don't try to eat them, Bruce, they are very large > and have sharp teeth!). The four pillars in the porch are occupied by > four friendly and helpful Elemental beings, representing the Earth, > Air, Water and Fire. Their duty is to maintain the gardens, purify and > cleanse the air and water, and to keep the fire burning comfortably in > the Astraldome. They are also commisioned to defend the space within > from any invading bad spirits, evilwishers and sceptics... They won't > do you any harm, and they all have jobs to be getting on with! Then my > Angel spread his huge dazzling glorious wings and blessed the interior > of the dome, in one blinding flash of divine white light. > So you are all welcome. I'll pop in whenever I can, but do feel > free to visit whenever you please and meet whoever is already there! > Lovely.... > Love from Julia. I would just like to welcome everyone in alt.religion.kibology to the Official Alt.Religion.Kibology Pan-Dimensional Lurve Shack. It may look like an ordinary carboard box that smells funny but I promise you it's not only open for business, it's full of lurve. And unicorns. (For safety, none of the unicorns have horns.) All humans and all others are welcome to come and pretend to hug each other in my cardboard box, I mean, in the Official Alt.Religion.Kibology Pan-Dimensional Lurve Shack. IMAGINARY HUGS FOR ALL MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS HERE IN MY PERFECTLY REAL CARDBOARD BOX! -- K. It's January 2000. This is what comes after The New Age. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The most beautiful Logical Syllogism: The Atomic Theory expanded X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 10:57:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@nospam.unity.unity.edu) wrote: > > Kevin Buhr (buhr@stat.wisc.edu) wrote: > > > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > > > All things are made up of Atoms. > > > The Universe itself is a thing. > > > Thus, the Universe is One Big Atom. > > > > All things occupy points in space. > > Archimedes Plutonium is himself a thing. > > Thus, Archimedes Plutonium, Master of Science, has a big pointy head. > > > > Kevin "King of Syllogisms" Buhr > > A haiku > > Archemedes Pu > Still has a big pointy head > Nothing is inside A ta-ta-teetee-ta: Pu, Pu, Pointy Pu; Pu, Pu, Pointy Pu; Pu, Pu, Pointy Pu! I'm sorry, but I've had the "ta-ta-teetee-ta" rhythm running through my head constantly since that music class in second grade. It's the most invasive meme yet developed. And they didn't see "techno" music coming in 1974. Why? Anyone could have predicted that someday there would be a whole genre that would make your floor go "ta-ta-teetee-ta; ta-ta-teetee-ta" all night when the bozos downstairs get stoned and rave all night. Also, Kevin, Shiro, thank you for making fun of Archie so that for a moment Brett will complain about you instead of me. He's a real Captain Bringdown. But at least he doesn't have a pointy head. -- K. ta-ta-teetee-ta... ta-ta! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: World's greatest unsolved mathematical problem. X-My-Headers-No-Longer-Mention: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Thu, 13 Jan 2000 11:37:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I'm eating a snack I got in Chinatown (it's a small packet of "Egg Pastry", if you must know, and the little yellow cookies are quite good) but I've just read the nutrition information on the back: Serving Size: 1 package Servings Per Container: 2 Eh... huh? Wuh. Buh? DOIDY? -- K. In unrelated news, I'm NOT filling out the card in _TV Guide_ that wants to know (a) who my favorite newscaster is and (b) what types of headache I get. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quote of the Day! Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 08:29:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Operator! Would you please mail us right away our Free Catalog and 50% Less Information?" -- really excited guy about to order a motorized bed (in a TV commercial, of course) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Internet is NOT ALLOWED Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 09:35:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Sergey Bukhman (sergeyb@netropolis.net) wrote: > > Rabbinical leaders issues edict banning the Internet > > (IsraelWire-1/9) The Council of Torah Sages affiliated with the > ultra-Orthodox Degel HaTorah Party of the United Torah > Judaism faction during the week issued an edict in which the > rabbis warn of one's using the Internet, CD players and going > to movie theaters. > > Details of the proclamation were publicized in the Yated > Neeman Newspaper, explicitly banning connectively to the > Internet and detailing restrictions for computer use. Internet > use was blamed for bringing too much temptation into the > Orthodox Jewish home and was therefore banned. > > Provisions were made in the ruling for those who make a > living via the Internet and they are encouraged to limit their > use and only to connect in the office and not at home, to > distance the temptation from children. > > The Jerusalem-based Eida Hareidit Rabbinical Court has > however published its version of the Internet ban, not making > provisions for those who earn a livelihood and explaining the > "poisonous Internet" must be removed from Jewish life. If they think the Internet's poisonous, they must not have tried any of those six-year-old soup mini-mandeln at my local kosher grocery store. Incidentally, every Friday I get the urge to go there on my way home from work, but they always close early on Fridays, JUST TO ANNOY ME! Also they get the colors in their rainbow gelatin in the wrong order. THERE'S NO COCONUT IN THE REAL RAINBOW! -- K. Also I had a can of vegetarian artificial fried chicken from there where I can best characterize the insides of the nuggets as "the color of pantyhose." And just in case you think canned, soy-based fried "chicken" can't be crispy, let me inform you that they were in a can of GRAVY. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Library A Frederick Wiseman type documentary Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 09:59:57 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Don Saklad (dsaklad@zurich.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > The camera entering BPL's Boylston Street revolving doors is > taking in the scene. Librarian patron wrestle mania is > taking place next to a book display on wrestling. > > Goldberg is auctioning off Andy Kaufman type exhibition > contests matching wrestling librarians and library users for > Boston Public Library Foundation big donors. BPLF president > channel 5's Paul LaCamera is bidding furiously. > > [...] > > > The camera follows a uniformed patrol guard and nonuniformed > patrol guard into lavatory areas. While testing hand dryer > air flow, a Brunner-Cott architect is attempting to persuade > a custodian to clean lavatory fixtures in a more sanitary manner. Don -- Is this a parody, pastiche, or hommage? To Archimedes Plutonium's movies, that is. -- K. I freely admit that I stole all the best ideas on "The Special Show!" from Archie's scientific research. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Beware of Pelee! Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 10:05:12 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.geo.geology, "JAMES--2000@webtv.net" wrote: > > Call me crazy, but I had this terrifyingly vivid dream last night that > the mighty Pelee will awaken with avengence! Dear James "Em Dash" 2000, Okay, I won't bother setting my alarm clock, I trust that Pele will awaken me just fine even though he doesn't speak English very well. -- K. He's my favorite soccer player. This is because I don't know the names of any others.