Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: 98th Sign Of The Apocalypse. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 06:41:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From Sanrio's Web site: > Now you can shop online at Sanriostore.com, even if you're under 18 > and don't have your own credit card. ...all you need is Mommy or Daddy's credit card! Just think, now your five-year-old can send you into dept by firing up your computer and double-double-double-double clicking on the bright shiny "BUY HELLO KITTY NOW" icon a few thousand times. By accident. > Club Sanrio ships *ONLY* to the UNITED STATES, CANADA, US TERRITORIES, > and US MILITARY BASES. It's very important for our armed forces to have a steady supply of Hello Kitty stickers. Also, if you live in Japan, you cannot buy Hello Kitty! Ever! YAY! > Hello Kitty Waffle Maker > > Makes 4 cute waffle shapes, nonstick surface for easy cleaning, stands > vertically for space saving storage, convenient carrying handle > > LIMIT 1 PER CUSTOMER > > Item #65812 > $59.95 Oh. There's a limit of only one sixty-dollar waffle-maker per toddler. I guess that's so the kids can't bankrupt Mommy and Daddy. Unless Sanrio sells other overpriced items too. Naah, they won't have any other stupid stuff in the Hello Kitty store. > Hello Kitty Bee Banana Comb Well, okay. But at least there's a limit of one Hello-Kitty's-Head-Shaped waffle iron per customer. Strictly enforced by the unerring power of computers. It will be physically impossible for me to order more than one waffle iron as I add a few more things to my cyber-shopping cart: > Product # Product Quantity Price Per Unit Total > 65812 Hello Kitty Waffle Maker 100000 $59.95 $5995000.00 > 57787 Tuxedo Sam Vinyl Pouch 2000 $4.50 $9000.00 > 39615 Hello Kitty Chopsticks(green) 3000 $4.00 $12000.00 > 80990 Hello Kitty Moving Plush 4000 $24.00 $96000.00 > 66411 Chococat Balloon Kid 5000 $9.75 $48750.00 > 75375 Pochacco Cyber Cell Phone Case 6000 $11.00 $66000.00 > 65979 Hello Kitty Bee Banana Comb 7000 $4.95 $34650.00 > Shipping $15.00 > Grand Total $6261415.00 At least the shipping cost is reasonable for six million dollars worth of crap. Now let's see, where did I put Mommy's credit card... -- K. HEY THESE WAFFLES TASTE CATTY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 98th Sign Of The Apocalypse. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 07:02:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just ranted about: > Hello Kitty Waffle Maker > > Makes 4 cute waffle shapes, nonstick surface for easy cleaning, stands > vertically for space saving storage, convenient carrying handle > > LIMIT 1 PER CUSTOMER > > Item #65812 > $59.95 Subsequent research has determined the actual limit: > Product Quantity Price Per Unit Total > Hello Kitty Waffle Maker 2147483647 $59.95 $128741644637.65 ...any sufficiently large number becomes "2147483647" in Sanrio's special little world. So, folks, remember, the next time you're shopping on-line at Sanrio's Web site, you're not allowed to order more than a hundred twenty-eight billion dollars' worth of Hello Kitty waffle irons. Also, after you've picked which items you want to buy several million of, you get this exciting option: > Email this order form to yourself or someone else to print/view/submit later. HA! HA! I JUST MAILED AN ORDER FORM FOR $128,741,644,637.65 OF WAFFLE IRONS TO BILL GATES! -- K. Gotta have wacky waffle irons. Constructed of durable, easy-to-melt thermoplastic! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Are any of you folks in Las Vegas? Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 05:51:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com It's incredibly freakin' cold here on the East Coast, so I'm considering flying to Las Vegas (on a plane) (for the second time) to search for things to photograph. And to stuff my face with those translucent two-dollar MRE-quality steaks at the casino buffets. So, the question is, are any of you people in the Las Vegas area? If so, wanna get together? I'm still not sure whether I'm going or not, but I might be going this weekend. (Or a subsequent weekend.) -- K. Are either of Siegfried & Roy still performing now that they're divorced? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Ever have one of those days... Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2000 03:13:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ever have one of those days... ...where you complain to your boss that you don't have enough work to do, and then he gives you a massive raise? WELL, OF COURSE NOT! YOU'RE NOT KIBO! -- K. Now I can buy that pet tiger I've always wanted. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Hypothetical question #869 about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 09:13:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com When you open your newsreader -- assuming you have a choice of the following options, which you probably don't, but let's assume you're using a magical newsreader program that lets you choose -- and go to alt.religion.kibology, do you prefer the default view to be (a) a list of just the new articles that have arrived since you last read a.r.k (i.e. it would assume all articles have been read when you close it) (b) a list of the new articles and the old ones you haven't read yet (i.e. tracking the "read"/"unread" state of each article) (c) a list of all the existing articles, new and old, read and unread and, in terms of the order the articles are listed in -- again, assuming you have all these options at your disposal -- would you prefer the default view of the list of articles to arrange them (a) sorted by the date they were written (oldest first) (b) sorted by the date they were written (newest first) (c) sorted by "Subject:" (not counting "Re:") (d) threaded (e) sorted by author's "real name" (f) sorted by score, label, highlighting, or other filter results (g) sorted with Kibo's articles at the top, and to hell with everyone else and, for the record, which should be the first thing shown when you open an individual article (given that there is no standard order for headers?) (a) the author's "real name" (from From:) (b) the author's E-mail address (from From:) (c) the author's (d) the Subject: header (e) the Date: header (f) the Newsgroups: header The answers to these questions are unimportant in the grand scheme of things and I do not have any ulterior motives for asking them and there is not a massive secret conspiracy involving a massive redesign of the fundamental underpinning of the Internet going on at this very moment. -- K. Also, how many of you have NEVER seen an actual ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hypothetical question #869 about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2000 04:58:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > Thanks for mentioning it. Xnews is nifty, for a win32 thingdo, but JKP was > plugging MT-Newswatcher, heyHEYheyHEY!!! Just because I was _using_ a newsreader I didn't write doesn't mean I was _plugging_ a newsreader I didn't write. -- K. Also, MT-NewsWatcher only does BLACK AND WHITE faces. I mean, GRAY ON GRAY faces. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2000 01:44:22 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Hypothetical question about alt.religion.kibology. Organization: http://www.kibo.com Let's suppose some newbie is browsing the list of 50,000 newsgroups and the name "alt.religion.kibology" whizzes past. The name isn't terribly clear as to what sort of content one would find inside alt.religion.kibology (which is fine, as this is one of those "anything goes, especially stuff that's hard-to-define" newsgroups.) But let's say that, hypothetically, each newsgroup had an icon associated with it. What would the proper icon be to represent alt.religion.kibology? Various memes come to mind (such as "a bee in a balloon eating Pez while the Moon explodes in the background and Kibo counts a huge stack of money") that could be wonderfully silly visual representations of one or two particular catchphrases or buzzwords, but I think that if alt.religion.kibology had a big sign sticking out of it with a bee in a balloon, the group might gradually shift from being about "stuff" to being largely about bees in balloons. And something overly general (to represent that alt.religion.kibology is for "stuff") such as a blank icon or a picture of static would not serve to represent why alt.religion.kibology is different from (better than) other places where people babble randomly (talk.bizarre, alt.slack, alt.online-service.webtv, etc.) So what visual metaphor would represent all the stuff that goes on in alt.religion.kibology, without being overly specific or pointlessly vague? (Assume it will be displayed at 48x48 pixels in full color.) -- K. Iain Sinclair started me worrying about this in 1994. Of course, hypothetical questions were in black and white then. Now I've got a full-color imagination. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2000 04:11:02 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hypothetical question about alt.religion.kibology. Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So what visual metaphor would represent all the stuff that goes on in > > alt.religion.kibology, without being overly specific or pointlessly vague? > > (Assume it will be displayed at 48x48 pixels in full color.) > > Animal 57. Hmm. Well, it sums up everything that's unpleasant about a.r.k... I think I'd prefer an icon that's more huggable and not swimming in its own slime, though. Also slime is hard to draw. Iain Sinclair has suggested a close-up of my face in one of my many fashionably evil gas masks, with a large explosion behind me, and I think adding "YOU'RE ALLOWED" in tiny goofy letters across the bottom would properly convey that a.r.k is both (a) a creepy newsgroup and (b) a wacky fun newsgroup at the same time. Plus it would have a gas mask in it so we'd get weird fetishists wandering around looking for people to play hazmat dressup games with. But I'm still open to suggestions... especially good ones. -- K. I wonder if I could draw an Animal 57 wearing a gas mask... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 16 Jan 2000 05:04:24 -0500 From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hypothetical question about alt.religion.kibology. Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Two possibilities: A full-color (though not necessarily the normal color(s)) > picture of Kibo. EWW! I'm sorry, my fleshtone is so light that I do not appear on film. (Unless you have one of those special cameras that can pick up X-rays.) You'd just get a picture of some clothes floating in space. With a blinding white glare coming from inside. > Or an orange cone with an empty thought balloon. I *like* that, except that if said GIF were to show up on the Web (and I ain't saying it will and I ain't saying it won't) it would probably get lost amidst all the millions of other Web icons that say "UNDER COSNTRUCTOIN, LOOKIT OUR ORANGE CONE WHILE WE EMPTY OUR THOUGHTS." That reminds me, I still have to judge the Conetest. Maybe the icon should look like a picture of me not having time to judge a contest? I think I'll spend the weekend drawing that one... > > Iain Sinclair started me worrying > > about this in 1994. Of course, > > hypothetical questions were in > > black and white then. Now I've > > got a full-color imagination. > > Dave "What if hypothetical questions had flavors?" DeLaney That tastes unknowable. IT IS THE UNKNOWABLE TASTE FROM OUTER SPACE! -- K. "a.r.k: the unknowable taste" I could just carve that into an icon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hypothetical question about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 11:49:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon Clark 2000 (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What would the proper icon be to represent alt.religion.kibology? > > It would look something like THIS: > > +-------+ > | | > | . | > | | > +-------+ AAAAAIIIIEEEE!!! Shield your eyes, it could be THE DEATH DOT! > except the background would be black and the dot would be a very very VERY > bright white. It would be to white what ultraviolet is to boring violet. > In fact it would be so bright that it would burn a hole in the head of > anyone who dared to sit in front of the monitor. And it would burn a hole in the colon of all others! > Also, closer inspection (at the autopsy) would reveal that it WASN'T > a dot at all, but tiny tiny TINY writing. And that writing would say: > > Kibo MeLtED > My BRaNE!!!!1 > > in the font of Kibo's choice. Tralfamadorian. > Either that or the bee in a balloon thing. Actually, come to think of it, > I prefer the bee in a balloon thing. How about a bee in a dot? -- K. LOOK OUT! IT'S A SWARM OF FLOYD-STEINBERG DIFFUSION BEES! P.S. The specs for these icons say "no animated GIFs" but I suppose I could make a glowing blinking beeping flashing dot for a.r.k provided I figure out a tactful way to rewrite the specs to say "no animated GIFs unless you're the guy who wrote these specs, nyah." Ask me about this in six months. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I'm dead. Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 07:21:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I must be dead. I just saw a Web page that told me exactly 00000000 people had looked at it. -- K. Wasn't there some big party three weeks ago where everyone watched some counter go up to 0002000? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Modern Problems. Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2000 11:46:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com CNN Headline News recently informed me that, if I am browsing for medical information on the Web, that there are both GOOD sources of medical information and BAD sources of medical information on the Internet. (Thus perpetuating the media myth that the Internet carries ANY good information. I mean, it's not even as reliable as Headline News.) The report ended with, "Be prepared because your doctor may not be familiar with the on-line information you bring in." DOCTOR, I HAVE WHAT THIS MAN CRUSHING THE MOUSE UNDER A STILETTO HEEL HAS! -- K. ALSO WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A HIDDEN CAMERA IN YOUR EXAMINING ROOM LIKE ALL THE GOOD INTERNET DOCTORS HAVE? YOUR NURSES DON'T WEAR ENOUGH RUBBER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: News Of Science And Other Stuff Too. Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 08:59:32 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Today in the wire services: > Subject: Butterfly species have ears on their wings > > PARIS, Jan 19 (AFP) - An unusual species of butterfly has ears > on its wings that provide it with ultra-sonic hearing to avoid bats, > Canadian researchers report in Thursday's issue of the British > weekly Nature. > Nocturnal tropical butterflies called hedylids have a > microscopically thin eardrum, stretched over an airfilled chamber on > the front part of their wings, they found. > The eardrums vibrate when there is a burst of ultra-sonic sound, > which is used by bats to locate their insect prey -- and in > response, the butterfly dives or climbs in an evasive manoeuvre. > The discovery is a first, because previously only moths, which > mostly fly at night, were found to have ultra-sonic hearing. Most > butterflies fly during the day. > The researchers, Jayne Yack of Ottawa's Carleton University and > James Fullard of the University of Toronto, conclude that more than > 50 million years ago, butterflies took to daytime flight in order to > survive the predations of bats. > "The butterfly, in effect, was ... 'invented' by the bat," they > say. So THAT'S how Bruce Wayne became a millionaire! If butterflies have ear-wings, do earwigs have Shatner-styled ear hair? > Subject: Charles dubs Millennium Dome a 'monstrous blancmange': report Then Graham Chapman stopped this sketch because it was about to cause people to drop Monty Python references on the Internet, which would make the Internet a bit silly. > Subject: Necropsies performed on dolphins If they're so smart, why aren't THEY doing necropsies on US? > Subject: Computer armoires recalled > > ARCHBOLD, Ohio, Jan. 19 (UPI) -- Sauder Woodworking Co. on Wednesday > recalled more than 200,000 computer armoires because the upper doors or > parts of them can fall off. Oh no! My computer armory could go off accidentally! (Note that this article would not have made the national news if it had been "Armoires recalled" because it's the fact that they're _computer_ armoires that makes it scary -- OH NO, SOMETHING RELATED TO A COMPUTER MIGHT BREAK! I BETTER STOCK UP ON BOTTLED WATER! > Subject: McQueen mixes hard and soft for next summer No comment. Besides, he can't be bi, he's dead. > Subject: University ends freshman animal experiments Freshmen will no longer be kept in tiny cages and forced to wear ten pounds of eye makeup! (They will be allowed to roam freely while wearing as much eye makeup as they want!) > Subject: Chef who cooked for pope and Queen Elizabeth dies That headline would me more exciting if it were split across two pages. And if the second half came first. And if they didn't print the part about the chef or the pope. But the part from "Q" onwards is a Pulitzer-worthy headline. And the most newsworthy article of all, and I am quoting all of it here: > Subject: Comfort, convenience new product keys > > CHICAGO, Jan. 19 (UPI) -- Convenience and ease of use are the driving > forces behind many of the new products introduced this week at the 2000 > International Housewares Show in Chicago. Appliance makers say they are > responding to consumer calls to keep it simple > > > > -- > Copyright 2000 by United Press International. > All rights reserved. Oh, great, now the editors have started LISTENING to the news. -- K. Someday they'll see an article titled "READING CAN KILL YOU" and the paper will shut down forever. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Poooooop Frommmmm Spaaaaaaaace! Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 04:18:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From a news site: > > Tuesday January 18 10:10 AM ET > > Comet Debris, Not Excrement, Rains on Spain The rain in Span clogs the toilet drain. > MADRID (Reuters) - At least ten melon-sized ice balls that have slammed > into Spain in the last week are probably debris from comets, not human > excrement as first suspected, a Spanish scientist said Monday. Yes, you see, comets are fluffy snowballs of bright blue ice with brown chunks, and the fluorescent blue dye native to comets allows these snowballs to travel through the Earth's atmosphere without melting from the awesome temperatures generated when a flying blue space turd confuses stupid scientists in Spain who can't tell frozen air from Shinola. > Enrique Martinez, head of a team at the Higher Council of Scientific > Investigation studying the phenomenon, said it was first thought that the > ice balls were human excrement ejected from high-flying aircraft. You know, like those military jets with the Ejector Toilet Seats. "SPROINGGGG!" > ``But they lack the typical coloring and texture we find in those cases,'' > he said. ``However, the flavor was the same.'' > A man in southern Spain escaped injury last week when an ice ball > eight inches across weighing nine pounds smashed into his car. A further > nine ice balls have since been reported around Spain over the last week. Oh, yeah, gotta be a comet. One of those comets that only orbits over Spain, and that keeps going to the bathroom. -- K. Spain is a peninsula, if you count Portugal. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.chem From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: AltaVista discrimination; rigging of search engine (perhaps Kibo & Uncle Al) Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 10:28:56 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In misc.legal, sci.environment, and sci.psychology.misc, Uncle Al (UncleAl0@hate.spam.net) wrote: > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > > > One of the troubles is that these hate-mongers such as Kibo or > > Uncle Al have special privileges to Search Engines that the general > > public does not have, and that they can thereby > > easily rig the engines to the disfavor of the innocent public > > Quality sells. Boring prolix trolling crossposted bullshit is > forgotten to death. But, Uncle Al, he posts _quality_ bullshit. I think he works really hard at making that bullshit. We should be so lucky as to be a tenth as good at it. > Kibo was here before all. Kibo is God of the Internet. Up yours, > little smelly wannabe mammal trying to breed out of season. Like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower, Uncle Al's wisdom swoops from subject to subject gracefully. -- K. ("Segues are for kids!" -- Jeff Marder) P.S. Archie, dear pal, hypothetically speaking, if I somehow had assumed complete control of DejaNews (due to a wacky mixup caused by a chimp pushing random buttons at the stock exchange) and if, hypothetically, I didn't want anyone to read your wacky insane rants, why would I go out of my way to quote all of them? I mean, quoting is you _hard_! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ask me anything Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 10:37:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > What does Kibo's .sig look like? I _am_ my .signature. -- K. Also it's ten billion lines long but most of it is in the 4th dimension. The rest of it is in the 3rd dimension, which is why I can't use it here, because computers can't do 3-D yet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Astronomers Reveal Coolest Solar Neighbor Ever Imaged Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 10:20:47 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.space.news, Ron Baalke (baalke@kelvin.jpl.nasa.gov) wrote: > > EMBARGOED FOR RELEASE AFTER 9:20 a.m. EST, January 15, 2000 > > ASTRONOMERS REVEAL COOLEST SOLAR NEIGHBOR EVER IMAGED YAY! FONZIE MOVED IN NEXT DOOR TO THE SUN!!! "Ayyyy... Whoa, my flesh just got vaporized!" > Today astronomers announced that they have reached an all- > time low ö low temperatures, that is. Adam Burgasser and Dr. Davy > Kirkpatrick at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) > in Pasadena, Calif., have identified the coolest body ever imaged > outside of the solar system, a brown dwarf Look, no matter how the scientific community feels about NBC's "seaQuest DSV", that's no way to refer to Roy Scheider! > that lies only 19 light years from Earth. You know, really really really close. So next time you go outside, duck so you won't bang your head on it. > "Brown dwarfs are essentially failed stars," said Burgasser, PLEASE STOP MOCKING ROY SCHEIDER AND THE CAREER HE USED TO HAVE! > a Caltech physics graduate student who is heading up the > investigation of these objects as his doctoral thesis project. > "They are too small to ignite nuclear reactions in their cores, > so they simply fade with time." Scientists belive that talking dolphins may accelerate the process. > This newest brown dwarf discovery was imaged by the Two- > Micron All Sky Survey, called 2MASS, whose goal is to image the > entire sky at near-infrared wavelengths. 2MASS is a collaboration > between the University of Massachusetts and the Infrared > Processing and Analysis Center (IPAC), operated by Caltech Formerly the Information & Personal Assistance Center (IPAC) at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, but of course Cal Tech stole it from RPI just like they do with all their best ideas. (Fortunately, Cal Tech can't get them all because MIT steals the other half of them. Don't believe me? Look how wimpy RPI is compared to MIT. This PROVES that Caltech and MIT steal all the best ideas from them.) > and NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. > > 2MASS data was compared with existing optical photographs > that were digitized. This comparison revealed that the object > had no associated optical counterpart, implying that it was most > likely a very cool object shining primarily at near-infrared > wavelengths. Burgasser confirmed the object's status as a brown > dwarf by taking its spectral "fingerprint" using a spectrograph with a fingerprint on the lens > at the 4-meter (160-inch) Victor M. Blanco telescope, located at > the Cerro Tololo Interamerican Observatory in Chile. Ohio State > University built the spectrograph. > > The optical photographs were obtained as part of the first- > generation Palomar Observatory Sky Survey and were then converted > into digital form at the U.S. Naval Observatory in Flagstaff, Ariz. These images are stamped "Copyright (C) 19100 U.S. Naval Observatory." > The 2MASS discovery image, taken in 1998 during routine > survey operations from the 2MASS southern observatory at Cerro > Tololo, showed that the brown dwarf lay close to a nearby triple > star system called Gliese 570ABC, located in the constellation > Libra. A second 2MASS image taken 14 months later confirmed that > the brown dwarf was in fact a previously undetected fourth member > of this system. "Gliese 570ABC moves across the sky very slightly > every year, undetectable with the naked eye but detectable with a > telescope," said Burgasser. "The triple star and the brown dwarf > moved the same distance and in the same direction, which means > they are part of the same stellar family." That's a terrible thing to say about Roy Scheider just because you don't like his new show "Me And My Three Stooges-In-Law." > Using the known distance to Gliese 570ABC and the brightness > of the brown dwarf, Burgasser and Kirkpatrick, an IPAC senior > staff scientist and member of the 2MASS team, computed that the > object's temperature must be only 500 degrees Celsius (900 > degrees Fahrenheit), or just one and a half times warmer than the > maximum setting on a conventional kitchen oven. Or over a TRILLION times hotter than a refrigerator!!! > "This makes it the coolest star-like object ever imaged beyond > our solar system," said Kirkpatrick. > > The spectral fingerprint that Burgasser obtained shows that > the brown dwarf contains methane That's, yadda yadda, Scheider. > as well, a trait also shared by planets such as Jupiter and Saturn > but not by stars. Although the new discovery, now dubbed Gliese 570D, > shows methane SHOW ME YOUR METHANE, YOU'RE ON CANDID SPECTROGRAPH! > and is believed to be roughly the same size as Jupiter, it is believed > to be about 50 times more massive. "The dividing line between > planets and stars was once obvious," said Burgasser, "but we are > now finding objects that really blur that distinction." So where on that line between planets and stars did the following objects sit: * Potato chips * Silly String * Paramecia * Imitation Paramecia * Hello Kitty THE BRAINIEST SCIENTISTS REFUSE TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION! > The 2MASS telescopes are in the midst of a 3 1/2-year survey > of the entire sky. IPAC's processing of the 20 terabytes of raw > survey data will create a publicly accessible catalog of 300 > million stars and more than 1 million galaxies. Already, 6 > percent of the sky -- more than 20 million objects -- has been > released to the public. Nearly one-half of the sky -- almost 200 > million objects -- will be publicly available early in 2000. I call dibs on that half. If you folks would like to buy part of the sky, stay the hell away from my half! From now on, you'll have to pay me five bucks if you want to look at it. > The 2MASS project is based at the University of > Massachusetts, Amherst. The JPL/Caltech Infrared Processing and > Analysis Center combines and processes 2MASS images into usable data (just like most scientific instruments, it returns useless data until the scientists work on the data really hard. "If I'm careful, I can draw a little curl on the bottom to turn this '2' into a '3'...") > and makes them available to the public. Previously available only to the crowned heads of Europe! Hey, NASA, when are you going to make a second photo of a full Earth available to the public? I'm getting tired of seeing that one with the big sideways "V" over South Africa. Maybe you should send a second ship to the moon someday so that you won't have just the one photo. -- K. Such a waste, the three astronauts on Apollo 17 only took one photo between them. And they didn't even post it on their Web page until after they got back! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Baby furniture-maker fined Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 06:56:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com UPI (C-upi@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Baby furniture-maker fined > > WASHINGTON, Jan. 21 (UPI) - The Consumer Product Safety Commission > Friday announced a Georgia baby furniture-maker will pay a $200,000 > civil fine for violating the Consumer Product Safety Act. How will he be able to afford it? He's not even one yet! -- K. They tried to interview him, but he won't talk. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: By Michael Brennan All I really need to know I learned in the library American Libraries Jan 1992 hHjUj"P=|(gUcMvIia~=w8)iPY">GjQM~G2nOkdfAR7&2}AA7uN#^uf9Y7;c'G:J`!g/ _N)@Yw*k2ger#6EJgW?.[Hm/U$-.>W@R4)C7AqWmD(@5H?rx;xJunS*E}|dJK5xTn:Y\OV.wd&Cci$A$GRRUT.I<\C@MaLsfsDD1^?tyS_7_gi4%J(h[Mn= Ng/h|V{~J&/(LW7GLzS/2p Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 10:03:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Don Saklad (dsaklad@zurich.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > 1. Enter: Your library card code Folks, don't listen to him! Don Saklad is trying to steal YOUR library card code so that he can check out books from the grown-up section and charge hundreds of dollars of ten-cents-a-day late fees to Y-O-U! When "surfing" the "net", remember to surf safely and never reveal your library card code number to strangers, and Don Saklad is certainly stranger than you! -- K. Also, why are you reading library industry journals from 1992? Don, the nineties were a thousand years ago! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Doctor Carved Initials in Woman Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2000 08:55:56 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- A doctor delivered a baby by Caesarean section, > then used his scalpel to carve his initials into the mother's > abdomen. Well, then, that's okay... as long as he didn't carve them into the baby. > Dr. Allan Zarkin -- later dubbed ``Dr. Zorro'' by hospital staff > members -- ``felt very close to this woman, but something clicked on > and off in his brain,'' his lawyer, Kenneth Platzer, said Friday. Well, then, that's okay... as long as it clicked off again. > Liana Gedz is now suing the 61-year-old obstetrician for $5 > million, saying the 3-by-1 1/2-inch ``A'' and ``Z'' ``makes me feel > like a branded animal.'' > According to the Daily News, witnesses in the operating room > said that after delivering Gedz's daughter on Sept. 7, Zarkin > announced: ``I did such a beautiful job, I'll initial it.'' Yes, extra scars make any operation more beautiful! > Zarkin's lawyer said the doctor suffers from a ``frontal lobe > disorder'' called Pick's disease -- a progressive form of > Alzheimer's-like dementia characterized by personality changes and > inappropriate behavior. Well, then, that's okay... He should go back to being a doctor because he's just got an organic brain disorder which causes him to act like he's insane but he's not insane, he's just demented. > Platzer said his client is being treated by a psychiatrist and a > neurologist. Who will hopefully carve their initials into his lobotomy scar. > Gedz, a 31-year-old dentist, said the initials ``were carved in > such a manner as to be permanent,'' according to her lawsuit. Not like one of those stick-on skin gougings the hip teens of today get from those gumball machines! [from a second article from the same wire-service:] > > Barry Fallick, Zarkin's lawyer, said the doctor admits carving > the letters as a sedated Gedz was recovering. Fallick says the > doctor blames a ``frontal lobe disorder'' affecting his personality > and behavior that was diagnosed after the incident. Hey, wait a minute. Are my frontal lobes also damaged, or did the lawyer just change from being Mr. Platzer to Mr. Fallick? OH NO! ZARKIN WAS CALLOTOMIZED AND NOW EACH HEMISPHERE OF HIS BRAIN IS SUING THE OTHER! -- K. I apologize for using the word 'callotomized' in a sentence with punctuation and everything. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DYSFUNCTIONAL PSEUDOSCIENTIFIC BUREAUCRACY Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 10:26:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, christopherbjerknes@my-deja.com wrote: > > The pseudoscientific community has degenerated into a massive > bureaucracy with dangerous powers. Yes, and the Plutonium Atom Foundation now has an enormous Legal-Law Lawsuitery And Searchenginebombering Desk spread across several plots of land! > As with all dysfunctional bureaucracies, pseudoscience today is concerned > more with extending its political power, than it is with its stated > purpose÷the exploration of phenomena in an atmosphere of reason and > responsibility. DAMMIT, I'M GOING TO STOP VOTING FOR THE MAD SCIENTIST PARTY! Instead, I'll do the sane thing and vote for Lyndon LaRouche. > The guild of pseudoscientists demands caste loyalty and unquestioned > submission to accepted mythology. All voices of dissent are effectively > suppressed. Thereby, the most ridiculous assertions of > schizophrenic ãscientistsä who attain power are protected and > perpetuated through indoctrination and censorship. All counter- > arguments, regardless of their merits, are suppressed and dissenters > are punished through the political processes of the university systems > and the print media. Those who raise the voice of reason are attacked > ad hominem in an effort to avoid the message and attack the messenger. Hey! "ad hominem" is a sexist term, you male chauvinist person! > This process of censorship, GroupThink, and wolf pack attack on > creative thinkers affords the leaders who propagate myth, the less > creative, and those submissive to authority great security. Their > thoughts and opinions are provided for them, and they suffer no fear of > contradiction. Scientist #1: "WAAH! THE CONCEPT OF CONTRADICTION FRIGHTENS ME!!!" Scientist #2: "No it doesn't!" Scientist #1: "WAAAAAAH!!!!" > Corporations have taken advantage of the myths of chemistry and > Relativity Theory to lull the public into a false sense of security > throughout the 20th century, That's what they get for allowing Einstein to discover Relativity on January 1, 1900. And chemistry. Just think, until 1899 there was no chemistry. To make bleach they just had to leave a bottle out in the yard and wait for it to spontaneously fill with bleach. And you should see how they made Pez back then. > ãEverything is natural, and our meager human trespasses can't possibly > affect our environment or our genetics.ä The myths of modern science > have led to an insane acceptance of the rapid degeneration of the systems > of life on this planet. Just as religion has been misused to shirk the > responsibility of mankind, and placed faith in the hands of the unknown > for a resolution of human destruction, so has modern science, with its > unquestioned authority, been misused to shirk the responsibility of > mankind for the destruction of our environment and our genetic makeup, Yes, the Communists are polluting the purity of your precious bodily makeup. To say nothing of your facial makeup. > while placing faith in the hands of the mythmakers for a resolution > of their destructive lies. > > The debate over scientific ideas must be held in the public arena where > human beings accept their responsibilities and make informed choices in > an open environment of competing concepts. The parrots and their > misguided trainers in the pseudoscientific community stand little to no > chance of perpetuating their inane myths in a forum in which the public > is exposed to lucid counter-arguments. The public will lose its faith > in the cult of modern pseudoscientists when the truth of their > obliteration and pernicious distortion of historic facts comes to light. But without science, we wouldn't have words like "obliteration" or "pernicious" or "pseudoscientists"! I THINK YOU OWE THE SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY A DEBT OF GRATITUDE FOR MAKING IT POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT HATING SCIENCE! > In an atmosphere of open competition, great advances are far more > likely to occur. The battle for the research buck will open up to > funding for counter-theories and progress and insight may have a chance > at undoing some of the enormous harm the myths of modern pseudoscience > have left undeclared. It is a fight for survival. The twentieth century > mythmakers have poisoned our world. We cannot look to them to fix it, > or even to acknowledge the destruction in which they have participated. > > It is the responsibility of each individual to undo the denial of the > obliteration of a healthy world environment. Each individual must > reconcile his or her selfishness with a love of life and enchantment > with the love of future generations. You're absolutely right. I'm going to print your manifesto out on my laser printer and make 500 copies for all my friends. Whoops, I don't like that font. Let me just throw those out and print another 500. And to make sure everyone gets this important message about the environment, I'm going to print 20,000 leaflets and drop them from an airplane. No, better yet, a Space Shuttle. Powered by a mixture of diesel fuel and burning rainforest biomass. TAKE THAT, ENVIRONMENT!!! > A bustling economy which depends upon women having artificially-enlarged butts was the focus of the nineteenth- century fashion industry. > a race to consume what is not needed and what is destructive to > life, is the silver which sold Christ to the cross. Yeah, but it was Krazy Glue which held him to the cross. > Letâs build our economies on undoing the damage, and not on perpetrating > worse harm. Letâs open up the marketplace of ideas to the free exchange > of theory and experiment, and not the suppression of insight and > perpetuation of nonsensical myth, which only currently exists so that > halfwits and those who play follow the leader can feel secure that their > idiocies will not be exposed. It is time to expose to the public the lies > and idiocies of the pseudoscientists of relativity theory. It is time to > count the dollars they have wasted and weigh the harm they have done. I see, so your point is that Albert Einstein personally destroyed the whole environment but fortunately he stopped in 1999? > Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ > Before you buy. Oddly enough, people who pay for Usenet access are seldom mad scientists. Someday, when I start my own free Web-to-Usenet access portal, I'll be kind to all the other people on the Internet and give the users this .signature: Sent via Xxxxxx.com http://www.xxxxxx.com/ WARNING: THIS SITE GIVES OUT FREE ACCOUNTS AND THEREFORE THIS GUY IS WEIRD. -- K. Would "xxxxxx.com" be a good name for it, or does it need more X's? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: George Hammond Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2000 09:43:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.relativity, "Dwhig265" (dwhig265@aol.com) wrote: > > Hammond had as his primary criteria, > to keep his theory out of the cafeteria. > Because the one liners > would alert all the diners > that his ideas were colder than Siberia. I hope he gets diphtheria. -- K. Because I think it would be fun to see him try to say "diphtheria" because his mouth would emit more spittle than Daffy Duck and Sylvester French-kissing. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.kibology.second-coming From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Humanity rules Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 11:07:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.religion.kibology.second-coming and several other places, "Dharmadeva" (dambiec@ozemail.com.au) wrote: > > Subject: Humanity rules YEAH, HUMANITY RULES! DOLPHINS ROT! TAKE THAT, DOLPHINS! > The world moves fast, the universe moves very fast, and the psychic > counterpart is also moving fast. Telepathy travels almost as fast as sound. > Recently the speed of this movement has been greatly accelerated. That's the opposite of what I said about the Prague Philharmonic playing the "Space: 1999: Year 2" theme music. > You should realise this, and you must accelerate the speed of the duty > allotted to you.You should maintain a proper balance with the revised speed. DO... YOU... FEEL... BOXED... IN... AND... SPACED... OUT? OUT? OUT? > Everywhere sanity and rationality will rule human psychology. Especially in mental asylums. Mental patients will required to be sane and rational from now on. Or else we'll lock them up! -- K. We'll put them in a solitary confinement cell located inside their regular solitary confinement cell! Then EVERYONE will be perfectly sane, not counting the people who are crazy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I know you heard it already... Smart's Unified Helix Field Theory Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 06:27:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS. (in the style of Alexander Abian) In sci.physics, "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > Just in case you haven't heard... . Smart is the only one in the world > today that has unified all the fields ( sorry Einstein...)... . Jorell Hernandez (jorell@students.uwf.edu) wrote: > > I'm sorry but that is just plain nonsense. "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > What's is just plain nonsense? CURTAIN. -- K. Hey, "Smart", it must be wonderful to have such a short attention span. P.S. Hey, "Smart", it must be wonderful to have such a short attention span. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I met Nick Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 06:06:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > BOFF! NEW EXTRA-HETEROSEXUAL KONTEXT-AWAY REMOVES THE NON-NAUGHTY PARTS! > And by the way. WHEN I HAVE SEX, I AM NOT POSTING IN PUBLIC ABOUT IT. ROMP! EXTRA-HETERO KONTEXT-AWAY POPS ITSELF BACK INTO ITS PROTECTIVE SHEATH! > No matter who it is. So quit it with the betting pools and the theories. > One day, far in the future, you'll read a post of mine and notice I'm > not talking about certain things in the subjunctive anymore. And that > will be it. Don't forget to promise to pay everyone on the Internet a thousand dollars if you don't lose your virginity in private. -- K. WHENEVER I AM POSTING IN PUBLIC, I AM HAVING SEX IN PRIVATE. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I met Nick Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 10:54:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Bill Newcomb (nuke@best.com) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, I'm trying to reassure the world that nothing is happening CLICK > > CLICK between me and her, and I bet she appreciates the effort. Maybe I > > should have used the word "plutonic" in every sentence to spell it out. > ^^^^^^^^ > Your Kink Is Not OK. Please stop making fun of Archimedes Plutonium just because he's totally helpless and mentally impaired and really sexy. Thank you. -- K. Making the Internet a happier and less sexy place since 1987. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I met Nick Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 06:12:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > ZING! NEW EXTRA-VIRGIN KONTEXT-AWAY CLIPS OFF ALL BUT THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG! > Wouldn't it be the coolest thing ever if I had my first time on the > day that Bob Hope died? SWISH! NEW yadda yadda stuff. Oh no! I've worn out Kontext-Away! And I was all set to say something like "Yeah, I hear he does have a weak heart, and I'm sure it would explode if he heard that Nick Bensema stopped complaining about having a virginity to lose, and especially if Nick lost it in front of him, and/or to him," but I've got to run out to the store and buy a new Kontext-Away. You can buy a Kontext-Away at that store next to the one that sells virginities. -- K. NEW AEROSOL VIRGINITY! Just spray it on anyone and they turn back into a virgin! WARNING: NOT FOR USE ON PEOPLE WHO ARE ALREADY VIRGINS. MAY ATTRACT UNICORNS. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bloodlust-Crazed Matt McIrvin Murders Unpopular On-Line Service Date: Wed, 19 Jan 2000 11:06:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > In other news, Paul Guertin was kind enough to inform me of my first-ever > confirmed ARK Mentioning Death Ray kill... of the GEnie on-line service, a > remote descendant of the system on which I first learned programming. I > posted about the slow dissolution of General Electric Information Services > Company on Dec. 29, and mentioned offhand that GEnie was probably defunct. -> Eventually PCs came along and GEISCO got flattened. -> They managed to dust themselves off a little later -> and turn into an online service (GEnie), but that is, -> I think, gone now. -- Matt McIrvin, article dated "Wed, 29 Dec 1999 04:07:56 GMT" > The next day, this appeared: > > > From: Nic Grabien (sf-nic@dm.net) > > Newsgroups: alt.online-service.genie > > Subject: Genie TOD: 12/30/99 14:15 PST > > Date: Thu, 30 Dec 1999 14:35:42 -0800 > > Message-ID: (386BDE3E.44BB9569@dm.net) > > > > Official Time-of-Death: > > > > 12/30/99 14:15 PST > > > > The system still answers the dial-up, but there is no longer any content > > available. Wait... when did GEnie add the content? I don't remember it having anything more intense than 40-column-wide numbered menus, and lord knows you can't pack anything meaningful into 40 columns. beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable <---------------------- see? beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable What I miss most about GEnie is its radical support for *both* kinds of terminals -- General Electric TermiNets *and* "dumb" terminals. Also it saved bandwidth by sticking with half-duplex for many years after everyone else had gone to echoing characters so you could actually backspace. It did have really good security, though. After you typed your name and password on the same line of your TermiNet, it would back up over them and type a row of asterisks *and* then type a row of pound signs. The Soviets were never able to crack that! -- K. GEnie is like CompuServe would have been if it had been BIX minus Delphi. Times the opposite of Plato. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kodak to public: Guard your body! Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 10:26:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Zakudo" (clockzero@aol.com) wrote: > > I read a disclaimer on a page of Kodak's website which included the phrase: > "STRONG OXIDIZER: Causes EYE AND BUMS [capitalization added by me]". This > prompted me to wonder what might happen to the world's eye and bums if Kodak > went out of business. I wonder if they mean "bums" as in Benny Hill's favorite word ("bum" is just as funny as "botty", "rump", "behind", "fanny", and "dairy-airy") or "bums" as in "filthy disgusting degerate homeless people who should be treated with respect and dignity while we ignore them while shopping for designer antiques." Anyway, because I wanted to see the page for myself so I could see if their optical character regonition software also swapped the words "modern" and "modem" (as in "What's your computer's modern speed?") I went to their Web site and typed in "eye and bums" (with the quote marks) in the "Search" slot. Then it said > /^+eyebums$/: regexp *+ operand could be empty at > /web/cgi-bin/webSearchLib.pm line 1919. Eh-huh-uh-heh-ah-daw-duh-durr, someone's Perl script explodes when it tries to think about the concept of "and". So, I just typed "bums" into the slot, and found three bums: > You searched for bums > Search Results (1 - 3) of 3 > > * Motion Picture Films, Module 4: Reagent Preparation Procedures > (Date Posted: Nov 2 1999) > STRONG OXIDIZER. Causes eye and bums. Stains the > > * Motion Picture Films, Module 4: Reagent Preparation Procedures > (Date Posted: Nov 2 1999) > skin bums. Avoid contact with eyes, skin, and clothing. > > * Professional Motion Imaging: Technical Tips: Film Care > (Date Posted: May 19 1998) > The stopping of the film in a projector, even for a short time and > for any reason, will cause film bums. Bum-ba-bum-bum, bum-ber-bloop, blip-blop-bloop-bum-bleep, Kodak's site is covered with WACKY FILM BUMS! Selected highlights from the pages in question, which have obviously been spellchecked because "bum" is always spelled correctly: > A bum spot on the surface of the film causes the emulsion to get > hard and crusty > Extensive bum damage must be removed. > Causes eye and bums. Stains the skin. Avoid contact. Bums may have stained pants. Avoid contact. Do not do the lambada with bums. -- K. I used to work with those 10x concentrates of photo chemicals, and if you think that stuff is noxious, you should see it when it comes OUT of the film processor after a week's worth of film has soaked in it. Those of you who were at the 1997 a.r.k party (the day before Laser Designs closed) may remember the enormous brown stains on the rug where the stuff ate through the protective mat. (Such brainiacs, putting a nice carpet under the toxic chemical machine.) Because of that job, I still have trouble eating "Salt & Vinegar"-flavored potato chips, because they always use synthetic vinegar (pure distilled acetic acid) which is the same weird scary smell of certain kinds of photo developer (which often contains acetic acid.) I have no problem with actual vinegar, just with the potato chips that smell like that stinky job. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Saving George Hammond's Soul Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2000 08:32:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.potsie-tastic In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I claim that the "physical mechanism" that causes what we > call "God" is simply the incomplete growth of the human body > (particularly of course the BRAIN). > It is legendary that "no one ever reaches his full height > and weight". Let me draw a picture of this: > > > ____ Actual Adult (90% grown) > / > / ____ Full Grown Adult (100%) > .../.. / > . _/_ . / > . / - ^ \ .<---/ > . | O O | . > . | | >| |<----- This 10% missing part of > . \ - / . the brain causes "God" > . . . --- . . . to 'exist' in the human mind > . ____| |____ . > . | | . > . | | . > . | | | | . > . | | | | . > . | | | | . > . | | | | . This brings two possible mental images to me: #1. Leonard Nimoy: "One... Six... Three... Oh... Nine." Computer: "DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT DOOT!" Judson Scott: "Leader Khan, the Reliant's shields are dropping!" #2. Little Girl: "Now you have to take out the Wrenched Ankle!" Little Boy: "Oh, no! Not the Wretched Ankle!" Guy With Red Light Bulb Instead Of A Nose: "BZZZZZZZZZZZT!" -- K. I REMEMBER WHO JUDSON SCOTT IS. That makes me even BETTER than a regular full-grown adult. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Saving George Hammond's Soul Date: Sat, 22 Jan 2000 05:18:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > "StanAZ" (stanaz@aol.com) wrote: > > > > Dear Mr Hammond.. > > I would like to raise an important issue of physicotheistic > > acrophysiognomy. > > As I understand it, to approach "God" means to grow towards one's > > greatest spiritual height. > > First of all, leave the word "spiritual" out of the statement > and it's correct. However that would be TOO SIMPLE a statement > for you to understand. > You obviously don't understand it. It's too simple for you. > You apparently need what any school child could comprehend, > rephrased in 15-letter words as above so that it will be > "complicated enough to understand". A PSYCHODRAMA IN ALL CAPS. CRAZY PERSON: BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH MY THEORY BLAH BLAH BLAH. SANE PERSON: BLAH BLAH BLAH I AM THINKING ABOUT YOUR THEORY. CRAZY PERSON: HOW DARE YOU THINK ABOUT MY THEORY YOU INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE WORM WHO USES WORDS THAT HAVE (takes off one shoe to count) FIFTEEN LETTERS I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! NOW I AM FLAMING YOU FOR TRYING TO UNDERSTAND ME!!! > Full growth is full growth... its DEFINED by the DNA code. > No adult person ever reaches this design objective (for obvious > reasons). The shortfall, especially in brain size, CAUSES what > we call "GOD". Our stunted, shrunken BRAINS tell us that there > might be a "perfect person" walking around somewhere (read > fully grown). How do YOU know? Maybe your theory is wrong and YOU'RE the perfect superintelligent person and thus you'll never meet Mr. Perfect, you perfect bozo! > That belief OBVIOUSLY is generated by a brain that is stunted, > dwarfed, shrunken, malnutritionally incompletely grown..! Yes, mentally malnourished. I put it to you that a hand drill would make just the right size hole in your skull for you to insert the proper carrots, green beans, and a frozen banana to make you a more god-like person. Also, "malnutritionally" has 16 letters. > EVERY SINGLE LIVING THING suffers from this condition, and this is why > "God" is universally recognized in humanity and history. > FACT IS IDIOT, IT SURE IS! HA HA LOOK AT THAT DUMB FACT! > God is a physically real fundamental biological physical fact. So are zits but you don't see people comitting genocide in their name. > Now, a 6 year old MORON could comprehend that, especially after > drawing you a picture of it. Oh, so THAT'S what that picture you posted was. > Should you fail to understand it, I suggest you try to figure out why > ANTIDISENSTABLISHMENTARIANISM is the longest word in the dictionary. Oh, you couldn't get past the A's. Look up "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis". Hint: it's under "P". > Perhaps you'll have better luck at that more complicated task. > Succeeding, perhaps you could found a new religion on the concept. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, WATCHED GEORGE HAMMOND NOT UNDERSTAND HOW NOT TO POST FOLLOWUPS TO ITS NEWSGROUP. > > Suppose, in the course of approaching this height, I bump my head. > > Does that bring me nearer to "God"? > > > > Suppose, on the other hand, I dent my head. Does that bring "God" > > nearer to me? ..Sincerely, StanAZ. > > > [Hammond] > Moron Hey, I'm glad to see you came up with a concise new signature. But you're supposed to put two hyphens before it. (The brackets can stay.) > > > > > > ____ Actual Real Adult Man > > > / (only 90% growth) > > > / > > > / ____ Theoretical Full > > > .../.. / Grown Adult (100%) > > > . _/_ . / > > > . / - ^ \ .<---/ > > > . | O O | . > > > . | | |< >------- This 10% missing part of > > > . \ - / . the BRAIN causes a "God" > > > . . . --- . . . to "appear" in the human senses > > > . ____| |____ . > > > . | | . > > > . | | . > > > . | | | | . > > > . | | | | . > > > . | | | | . > > > . | | | | . > > Legend: > . . . . = God > _ _ _ _ = Man "DOT DOT DOT DOT" is God, and "BLANK BLANK BLANK BLANK" is Man? That means Charles Nelson Reilly is only a quarter of a man! Hey, wait! I think I just accidentally proved your theory correct! -- K. You may thank me in cash. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Scientific explanation of Archie Pu Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 06:52:43 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Shiro Akaishi (akaishi@nospam.unity.unity.edu) wrote: > > [re a _New York Times_ article] > > Anyway, the gist is that stupid people are stupid and it takes one > to know one. Well, DUH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shall now go fetch the article in question and read it to learn whether I am stupid. (The _New York Times_ always has news you can use.) from http://www.nytimes.com/library/national/science/health/011800hth-behavior-incompetents.html > Among the Inept, Researchers Discover, Ignorance Is Bliss > > By Erica Goode > > There are many incompetent people in the world. Dr. David A. Dunning is > haunted by the fear he might be one of them. Whereas I'm afraid I might be six of them! > Dr. Dunning, a professor of psychology at Cornell, worries about this > because, according to his research, most incompetent people do not know > that they are incompetent. If Dr. Dunning were so kind as to mail them nice notes saying "Dear Person, you are incompetent," they would just buy some Depends. > On the contrary. People who do things badly, Dr. Dunning has found in > studies conducted with a graduate student, Justin Kruger, are usually > supremely confident of their abilities -- more confident, in fact, than > people who do things well. Didn't rec.org.mensa once fly off the handle when this theory was scientifically proven in _our_ laboratory back in 1994? [a giant-size pull-quote was interpolated here:] > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > HUMOR-IMPAIRED JOKE-TELLERS RATED THEMSELVES AS FUNNY. > ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I'm so glad I'm not funny. > "I began to think that there were probably lots of things that I was bad > at and I didn't know it," Dr. Dunning said. Oh no! I might be bad at all sorts of things I've never even tried! I MIGHT BE AN INCOMPETENT BRAIN SURGEON! THAT'S THE WORST KIND! > One reason that the ignorant also tend to be the blissfully self-assured, > the researchers believe, is that the skills required for competence often > are the same skills necessary to recognize competence. Wait... competence requires skills now? I always thought competence just required following the directions printed on the poster on the wall ("THE KETCHUP GOES ON TOP OF THE MEAT BUT BELOW THE BUN") or, alternatively, paying $1,000 to get a certificate that makes you Microsoft Certified. > The incompetent, therefore, suffer doubly, POOR SPOT! HE FELL ON A HAND GRENADE AND IT BLEW HIM UP TWICE BECAUSE HE WAS STUPID! > they suggested in a paper appearing in the December issue of the > Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Well, I've often gotten MY papers in scientific journals, but usually they just fall out when I shake the magazines. I need to switch to using paper clips for bookmarks. > "Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate > choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it," > wrote Dr. Kruger, now an assistant professor at the University of > Illinois, and Dr. Dunning. "Dr. Kruger, Dr. Dunning, I'm here from the government, and I'm here to give you a million dollars to fund your research project to discover whether or not other people are stupid." > This deficiency in "self-monitoring skills," the researchers said, helps > explain the tendency of the humor-impaired to persist in telling jokes > that are not funny, WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? BECAUSE A BABY GOT RUN OVER BY A FIRE TRUCK!!!! HITLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I SMASH THIS WATERMELON!!!!! > of day traders to repeatedly jump into the market -- and repeatedly > lose out -- and of the politically clueless to continue holding forth > at dinner parties on the fine points of campaign strategy. Yeah, that oughta be made illegal before it ruins the values America was founded on! > Some college students, Dr. Dunning said, evince a similar blindness: after > doing badly on a test, they spend hours in his office, explaining why the > answers he suggests for the test questions are wrong. And we all know now college professor has EVER graded a paper wrong. > In a series of studies, Dr. Kruger and Dr. Dunning tested their theory of > incompetence. They found that subjects who scored in the lowest quartile > on tests of logic, English grammar and humor were also the most likely to > "grossly overestimate" how well they had performed. Well, see, assuming that all people are behaving in a completely unpredictable manner (i.e. randomly), those who actually scored 10% have a 90% chance of circling any number to the right of "10%" and a 10% chance of circling any number to the left of "10%". Thus, the smartest people are also most likely to _under_estimate their own performance, and the only people who can predict their performance accurately are those who are EXACTLY AVERAGE! This is why the world is run by C students. > In all three tests, subjects' ratings of their ability were positively > linked to their actual scores. But the lowest-ranked participants showed > much greater distortions in their self-estimates. Asked to evaluate their > performance on the test of logical reasoning, for example, subjects who > scored only in the 12th percentile guessed that they had scored in the > 62nd percentile, and deemed their overall skill at logical reasoning to be > at the 68th percentile. But, 68 out of HOW MANY percentiles? > Similarly, subjects who scored at the 10th percentile on the grammar test > ranked themselves at the 67th percentile in the ability to "identify > grammatically correct standard English," and estimated their test scores > to be at the 61st percentile. It's amazing that they all picked the EXACT SAME percentile. Methinks someone is trying to dumb things down for us by leaving out big words like "average" and "about". > On the humor test, in which participants were asked to rate jokes > according to their funniness (subjects' ratings were matched against those > of an "expert" panel of professional comedians), Consisting of Carrot Top, Gallagher, Kibo, Anson "Potsie" Williams, and the dad from "Small Wonder". > low-scoring subjects were also more apt to have an inflated perception > of their skill. But because humor is idiosyncratically defined, the > researchers said, the results were less conclusive. Therefore they deserved another million dollars to study it again. HEY COOL WITH OUR RESEARCH BUDGET WE CAN AFFORD TO FORCE CARROT TOP TO GRADE THESE TESTS FOR US!!! > Unlike their unskilled counterparts, the most able subjects in the study, > Dr. Kruger and Dr. Dunning found, were likely to underestimate their own > competence. The researchers attributed this to the fact that, in the > absence of information about how others were doing, highly competent > subjects assumed that others were performing as well as they were -- a > phenomenon psychologists term the "false consensus effect." Is falsely consensual more or less illegal than non-consensual sex? I NEED TO KNOW BEFORE I GO FOR MY MIDNIGHT STROLL!!! > When high scoring subjects were asked to "grade" the grammar tests of > their peers, however, they quickly revised their evaluations of their own > performance. In contrast, the self-assessments of those who scored badly > themselves were unaffected by the experience of grading others; some > subjects even further inflated their estimates of their own abilities. > "Incompetent individuals were less able to recognize competence in > others," the researchers concluded. "Also, incompetent individuals were kinda not competent and stuff." > In a final experiment, Dr. Dunning and Dr. Kruger set out to discover if > training would help modify the exaggerated self-perceptions of incapable > subjects. In fact, a short training session in logical reasoning did > improve the ability of low-scoring subjects to assess their performance > realistically, they found. Then it made them wonder why they were wasting their time around these bozo experimenters. This research led to the new ad campaign: "Here, try new Kellogg's Clueful! Eat all the way to the bottom of the bowl and you'll see a smarter you!" ...unfortunately, Kellogg's Clueful had no repeat customers. > The findings, the psychologists said, support Thomas Jefferson's assertion > that "he who knows best knows how little he knows." Yeah, well, I know that not only do I not know anything, I also don't think Thomas Jefferson knew anything! In fact, I think that EVERYONE is really stupid, and thus I have proven that I am A SUPER-GENIUS!!! > And the research meshes neatly with other work indicating that > overconfidence is a common; studies have found, for example, that the vast > majority of people rate themselves as "above average" on a wide array of > abilities -- -- but still none would admit to being able to sit through a three-hour Garrison Keillor performance during a PBS pledge drive. > though such an abundance of talent would be impossible in > statistical terms. And this overestimation, studies indicate, is more > likely for tasks that are difficult than for those that are easy. > Such studies are not without critics. Dr. David C. Funder, a psychology > professor at the University of California at Riverside, for example, said > he suspected that most lay people had only a vague idea of the meaning of > "average" in statistical terms. As opposed to what other kind of terms? > "I'm not sure the average person thinks of 'average' or 'percentile' in > quite that literal a sense," Dr. Funder said, "so 'above average' might > mean to them 'pretty good,' or 'O.K.,' or 'doing all right.' Whereas, 'above average' really means 'bad'! > And if, in fact, people mean something subjective when they use the word, > then it's really hard to evaluate whether they're right or wrong using the > statistical criterion." (Somewhere, a clue begins to dawn on a scientist. Then he calls the _New York Times_ and says it to them instead of thinking about it further.) > But Dr. Dunning said his current research and past studies indicated that > there were many reasons why people would tend to overestimate their > competency, and not be aware of it. Mainly because scientists aren't kind enough to spend all day telling people that they're stupid. Well, except for the mad scientists. YOU ARE FOOLS, ALL OF YOU, FOOLS! YOU LAUGHED AT MY MOTORIZED BOW TIE BUT SOON YOU WILL TREMBLE BEFORE ME, THE POPE OF SCIENCETOWN! > In some cases, Dr. Dunning pointed out, an awareness of one's own > inability is inevitable: "In a golf game, when your ball is heading into > the woods, you know you're incompetent," he said. Unless you MEANT to do that. > But in other situations, feedback is absent, or at least more ambiguous; > even a humorless joke, "Two plus two equal four." "Hey! That joke was completely humorless!" > for example, is likely to be met with polite laughter. The really funny stuff is the stuff that makes people run from the room in tears. > And faced with incompetence, social norms prevent most people from > blurting out "You stink!" -- truthful though this assessment may be. But all those deodorant commercials tell us we stink. > All of which inspired in Dr. Dunning and his co-author, in presenting > their research to the public, a certain degree of nervousness. "THEY MIGHT CATCH ON THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE A REAL IDEA FOR A PAPER!" > "This article may contain faulty logic, methodological errors or poor > communication," they cautioned in their journal report. "Let us assure our > readers that to the extent this article is imperfect, it is not a sin we > have committed knowingly." (Kibo laughs POLITELY.) -- K. (I always try to be polite when I'm laughing at idiots.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S. PHYSICIST PROVES GOD EXISTS (Ode to George) Date: Tue, 18 Jan 2000 09:43:31 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: hey.george.hammond.have.you.started.reading.headers.yet? In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Dear raving fans: > Please do not hack up this thread with > high school cafeteriao style one liners. > Thank you. Duho. -- Ko. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S. PHYSICIST PROVES GOD EXISTS (Ode to George) Date: Thu, 20 Jan 2000 09:38:44 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt..........sci.............physics.............plutonium? Simon Clark 2000 (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > Dear raving fans: > > Please do not hack up this thread with > > high school cafeteriao style one liners. > > Thank you. > > Does this mean that ALL those times George posted this, he > actually TYPED it? EVERY? SINGLE? TIME? You think he types? I always figured he had one of those little plastic steering wheels made of primary red, yellow, and blue plastic, with a big button in the middle that goes "BEEP BEEP" whenever he pushes it to make a carriage return. Sort of like a Dymo labelmaker only without the labelmaker part. And it probably has a sticker with a drawing of rear-view mirror. > All work and no play makes George a dull boy. Or, as he might type it, a doll boy. -- K. I wonder if he can figure out how to operate Lincoln Logs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why Archie is frustrated Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 06:16:03 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > From the Archie Comics website: > > > ACP Guidelines for Use of Characters > > > > Any use must portray the characters in a manner which is substantially > > consistent with the wholesome manner in which they are portrayed in the > > comic books published by ACP. For example, they shall; (a) not be > > depicted in explicit activities inappropriate for a youthful audience; > > (b) always be shown wearing seat belts when driving; (c) never be shown > > taking drugs; (d) never be shown smoking; (e) never be shown drinking > > alcoholic beverages; (f) never be shown nude; (g) never be shown engaging > > in violent or abusive behavior; (h) never be shown in knowingly engaging > > in illegal activities; and (i) never be shown engaging in any activity > > which is contradictory to the commitment of ACP to the use of the > > characters to promote good dental and personal hygiene. > > > I liked the hygiene part. "Archie wasn't brushing his teeth in that panel you just drew! You're fired!" "But he was brushing his teeth in the previous panel. And he brushes his teeth again next panel. I had to put in the extra panel to explain that he got a fresh toothbrush from the drugstore." I like the part about how they can never, ever show Mr. Weatherbee nude. -- K. And "never KNOWINGLY engaging in illegal activities" gives them lots of wiggle room because, let's face it, Archie is CLUELESS. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's greatest unsolved mathematical problem. Date: Fri, 21 Jan 2000 06:04:36 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Joern Rehse (ukqi@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de) wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re some dumb "TV Guide" poll] > > > > I like the categories for what kinds of books you like: something like > > (a) romance (b) mystery (c) cooking (d) non-fiction > > German rail (Deutsche Bahn) hands out train tickets in small envelopes. When I start a railway, I'm going to hand out train tickets in HUGE envelopes! > These envelopes have a little checklist on them. This is supposed to > keep you from forgetting stuff when packing your things. > > It looks something like this: > > Do I have everything with me? > [ ] Tickets > [ ] Seat Reservation > [ ] Travel Insurance > [ ] Other Things (in German "Sonstiges") > > That last point... I love it. World bestest checklist. > I WILL NEVER FORGET ANYTHING ANYMORE AGAIN!!!!1! > > I always wanted to suggest that they change the checklist to: > > Do I have everything with me? > [ ] Yes > [ ] No Do German TV commercials for non-nutritious cereal (FrŸt LŸps und so weiter) always say the cereal is "a PART of this COMPLETE breakfast"? (The camera always shows large piles of all sorts of food as far as the eye can see, because Honeycomb only becomes nutritious if you add everything in the world to it.) If it's that way in Germany, this means that no railway checklist is complete unless you bring a breakfast, and the breakfast is not complete without your railway checklist, so every breakfast must contain train tickets which must contain a breakfast which must contain train tickets which must contain a breakfast. Also, how do you know if you've lost your train tickets, since then you wouldn't have the checklist? -- K. Last time I flew, my "E-ticket" was some string of letters and numbers ending in "4Q". I enjoyed walking up to the Delta counter and saying "blah blah blah, FOUR-Q!"