Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I know you heard it already... Smart's Unified Helix Field Theory Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 06:27:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS. (in the style of Alexander Abian) In sci.physics, "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > Just in case you haven't heard... . Smart is the only one in the world > today that has unified all the fields ( sorry Einstein...)... . Jorell Hernandez (jorell@students.uwf.edu) wrote: > > I'm sorry but that is just plain nonsense. "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > What's is just plain nonsense? CURTAIN. -- K. Hey, "Smart", it must be wonderful to have such a short attention span. P.S. Hey, "Smart", it must be wonderful to have such a short attention span. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Baby furniture-maker fined Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2000 06:56:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com UPI (C-upi@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Baby furniture-maker fined > > WASHINGTON, Jan. 21 (UPI) - The Consumer Product Safety Commission > Friday announced a Georgia baby furniture-maker will pay a $200,000 > civil fine for violating the Consumer Product Safety Act. How will he be able to afford it? He's not even one yet! -- K. They tried to interview him, but he won't talk. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: suggestion to reporters from ASTM: People like boring standards Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 03:23:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The American Society for Testing & Materials has some lovely suggestions to reporters about puff pieces they can write: > ASTM standards affect nearly every aspect of our lives and are easily > overlooked as we pass through our daily routines. IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT ANY ONE OF THE TWO ZILLION STANDARDS BODIES THAT REGULATES THE DENSITY OF OUR HOUSEHOLD ZINC!!! > As an extra touch to a seasonal story or just an interesting factoid, > these standards are sure to interest any reader! Provided, of course, that the reader considers it possible for there to be an "interesting" factoid. > [...] > > February > > If you've ever experienced the dissapointment of opening your chocolate > Easter bunny only to find it was broken in several pieces, you may be > interested in new packaging under development to protect chocolate > bunnies from injury. Gerald Greenway and Raul Garcia Via at the > University of Missouri, Rolla have designed and tested new ways to > package the large, hollow, chocolate bunnies and have used ASTM D 999 > and D 3332, drop and vibration tests, to measure the performance of > their packaging compared to existing packaging. "One may consider the > laboratory testing excessive compared with the real conditions that the > product must tolerate," says the report Greenway and Garcia Via have > prepared, noting that the packaging already ensures that the bunnies will survive having their heads bitten off by hyperactive, sugar-crazed toddlers. > but the prototypes had passing rates of 67%, 55% and 100% > compared to a 100% failure rate of the current packaging. I just want to know how the sample bunny boxes were mailed to their lab if cardboard boxes have a 100% failure rate. > The prototypes also protect better than the current design against > food tampering, insects, odor, and other contaminants. EWW! MY CHOCOLATE BUNNY HAS AN ODOR! IT SMELLS LIKE CHOCOLATE! IT SHOULD SMELL LIKE NOTHING! VARNISH IT OR SOMETHING! > Further investigation will take place before the current packaging is > redesigned. [TAPPI J., 80, 133(1997)]. Contact Greenway at (573) 341-6153 > or greenway@emr.edu. "emr.edu"? I hope Professor Emeritus Greenway isn't being bothered by a lot of E-mail from reporters there at the Eniversity of Missouri. (Alas, he doesn't have a home page on the correctly-spelled umr.edu either.) > [...] > > July > > Vacationers traveling the roadways and airways are safer thanks to > standards like F 792 which help security personnel identify guns, bombs > and other illegal packages ...provided they bear the international standard sticker for "THIS PACKAGE CONTAINS A BOMB." > [...] > > Other ideas: cool construction materials A house made entirely of patent leather! Well, I'm sold. I'm going to start a newspaper just so I can comply with ASTM standards by writing articles about wacky standards factoids! Let me just order some of ASTM's most interesting standards: > F38-95 Standard Test Methods for Creep Relaxation of a Gasket Material "A Tisket, A Tasket, Don't Blow Your Gasket: How To Relax Creeps At Parties." > F28-91(1997) Standard Test Methods for Minority-Carrier Lifetime in > Bulk Germanium and Silicon by Measurement of Photoconductivity Decay "It Ain't Easy Being Off-Gray: The Aircraft Carrier That Was Discriminated Against Because Of Its Color" > F834-84 Consumer Safety Specification for Toy Chests "Barbie's Breasts Are Too Pointy, Say Nerdy Scientists" > F1035-91(19970e1 Standard Practice for Use of Rubber-Cord Pie Disk > to Demonstrate the Discernment Capability of a Tire X-ray Imaging System "A Delicious Recipe You Can Make At The Junkyard: Rubber-Cord Pie Disk" > F723-99 Standard Practice for Conversion Between Resistivity and Dopant > Density for Boron-Doped, Phosphorus-Doped, and Arsenic-Doped Silicon "Why You Must Wear Pants: Panty The Do-Pant Bee Says Don't Be Chilly The Don't-Pant Bee" > F720-81(1996)e1 Standard Practice for Testing Guinea Pigs for > Contact Allergens Guinea Pig Maximization Test "Maximizing Your Guinea Pigs For Maximum Odor" > F1862-98 Standard Test Method for Resistance of Medical Face Masks to > Penetration by Synthetic Blood (Horizontal Projection of Fixed Volume at > a Known Velocity) "Are You Tired Of Getting Splattered When You Cut Open A Robot?" > PS80-98 Provisional Standard Specification for Safety and Performance > of Fun-Karts "Taking The Fun Out Of Fun-Karts" > A1-92 Standard Specification for Carbon Steel Tee Rails "Golf Is So Much Easier When The Ball Rolls Along Rails From The Tee To That Damn Little Hole" > A962/A962M-99 Standard Specification for Common Requirements for Steel > Fasteners or Fastener Materials, or Both, Intended for use at Any > Temperature from Cryogenic to the Creep Range "Don't Thaw Out Dead Grandpa Too Fast Or He'll Become A Creep" > G81-97a Standard Practice for Jaw Crusher Gouging Abrasion Test "Dentists Say Jawbreakers Should Be Made Even Harder" > F221-98 Standard Terminology Relating to Carbon Paper and Inked Ribbon > Products and Images Made Therefrom "What Are The Terms Relating To The Use Of Carbon Paper, And How Do I Pronounce All Three Of Them? ORIGINAL -- ori-gi-nal COPY -- copee CARBON PAPER -- karbon pa-per The End." > F395-98 Standard Terminology Relating to Vacuum Cleaners "After Years of Debate, Agreement On Legal Definition Of The Word 'Sucks'." (I think that article would contain at least one reference to The Spice Girls.) > F327-78(1989)e1 Standard Practice for Sampling Gas Blow Down Systems > and Components for Particulate Contamination by Automatic Particle > Monitor Method "Pigs To Wolf: 'Say It, Don't Spray It!'" > F694-92 Standard Test Method for Heel-Attaching Strength of Women's Shoes "Scientists Agree That At Least One Heel Always Needs To Break So The Heroic Scientist Can Drag The Stupid Woman Away From The Space Monster Because Without One Heel She Can't Run Unless You Pull On Her Arm" > F1608-95e1 Standard Test Method for Microbial Ranking of Porous Packaging > Materials (Exposure Chamber Method) "Staphylococcus Siskeli and Ameba Ebertus Give It Two Thumbs Up" > E1207-87(1997) Standard Practice for The Sensory Evaluation of > Axillary Deodorancy "B.O. Can Be Smelled But Not Seen" > F1628-95 Standard Specification for Labeling and Marking of Cuffed and > Uncuffed Tracheal Tubes and Related Treatments Intended for Use During > Laser Surgery "Beware Of Laser-Wielding Doctors Wearing Handcuffs" > F1698-96 Standard Practice for Installation of Poly(Vinyl Chloride)(PVC) > Profile Strip Liner and Cementitious Grout for Rehabilitation of Existing > Man-Entry Sewers and Conduits For this one, I have two: "'I Am A Block-Head,' Said Tom Cementitiously." "No Girls Allowed In The Man-Entry Sewer" > F1717-96 Standard Test Methods for Static and Fatigue for Spinal Implant > Constructs in a Corpectomy Model "Corpectomy: A Simple Medical Procedure To Remove The Corpse From The Rest Of The Dead Body, Leaving Only The Soul And The Wallet" > F1720-96 Standard Test Method for Measuring Thermal Insulation of > Sleeping Bags Using a Heated Manikin "Mommy, Why Is My Heated Sleeping Bag So Lumpy?" > F1828-97 Standard Specification for Ureteral Stents "Even Knievel To Ride Motorcycle Through Flaming Urethra" > F1848-98 Standard Classification for search and Rescue Dog Crew/Teams "If It Has Four Legs, It's Probably A Dog" > F1816-97 Standard Safety Specification for Drawstrings on Children's > Upper Outerwear "Drawstrings Still Allowed On Underpants" > F1876-98 Standard Specification for Polyetherketoneetherketoneketone > (PEKEKK) Resins for Surgical Implant Applications "It's A Good Thing We Built This Boring Standards Organization On The Former Site Of The Library of Alexandria, Because We Keep Discovering Lost Aristophanes Plays" > F1887-98 Standard Test Method for Measuring the Coefficient of > Restitution (COR) of Baseballs and Softballs "Do Baseballs Really Pay Court-Ordered Damages To The Owners Of The Windows They Break?" > D121-99 Standard Terminology of Coal and Coke "How To Tell Coal From Coke And Pez From Pepsi" > D380-94 Standard Test Methods for Rubber Hose "How To Tell Exactly How Fetishistic Your Latex Stockings Are" > D531-89(1994) Standard Test Method for Rubber Property - > Pusey and Jones Indentation "Ditto" > D813-95 Standard Test Method for Rubber Deterioration - Crack Growth "Ditto" > D868-85(1998) Standard Test Method for Evaluating Degree of Bleeding > of Traffic Paint "Stop Signs Are Red Because They're In Pain" > D499-69(1990)e1 Standard Specification for White Floating Toilet Soap "Throw Away That Little Soap Dish, You Can Keep The Ivory In The Big Bowl" > D4580-86(1997) Standard Practice for Measuring Delaminations in Concrete > Bridge Decks by Sounding "Count The Barks Until You Hear All 101 Delaminations" > "F1979-99 Standard Specification for Paintballs Used in the Sport > of Paintball" "We're Still Working To Find Some Other Uses For Paintballs" > F1636-95e1 Standard Specification for Bores and Cones for Modular > Femoral Heads "Top NASA Scientists Say That In The Future, Our Heads Will Attach Directly To Our Thighs" > F1050-87(1995) Standard Test Method for Determining Winding Torque > and Tension of Typewriter Ribbons Wait, I just realized something -- STANDARDS CAN'T BE MADE INTERESTING! -- K. K666-666(2000) Standard For The Boringness Of Standards ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Are you cooking with Officially-Designated Substandard Beans? Summary: WARNING: THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS THE WORD "DIARRHEA" IN THE HEADERS Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 03:42:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com About a month ago, I ripped the lid off the U.S. government's regulations for smelly lentils, as found in the Federal Bean Inspector's Handbook. Well, today I went back to the Department of Agriculture's Web site and I read more about beans of all sorts: > 109 Foreign material > Foreign material shall be stones, dirt, weed seeds, cereal grains, lentils, > peas, and all matter other than beans. "Honey, why does this Jell-O have a German accent?" "Because it's not a bean." "Oh. That makes sense." > U.S. Substandard shall be beans which do not meet the requirements for the > grades U.S. No. 1 through U.S. No. 3 or U.S. Sample grade. Beans which are > not well screened shall also be U.S. Substandard, except for beans which > meet the requirements for U.S. Sample grade. But... if the government is defining "substandard"... this means that "substandard" is a standard... therefore... the only beans that can be substandard are those that are inferior to themselves! Augh! MY BRAIN HURTS! > U.S. Sample grade shall be beans which are musty, sour, heating, > materially weathered, or weevily; which have any commercially > objectionable odor; which contain insect webbing or filth, animal filth, > any unknown foreign substance, broken glass, or metal fragments; or which > are otherwise of distinctly low quality. "weevily" is the word for the day. And furthermore, if the bean regulations are too strict for you, you should switch to growing canola: > CANOLA GRADES AND GRADE REQUIREMENTS > > GRADING FACTORS U.S. #1 U.S. #2 U.S. #3 > > MAXIMUM PERCENT LIMITS > > DAMAGED KERNELS > Heat damaged 0.1 0.5 2.0 > Distinctly green 2.0 6.0 20.0 > Total 3.0 10.0 20.0 > > CONSPICUOUS ADMIXTURE > Ergot 0.05 0.05 0.05 > Sclerotinia 0.05 0.10 0.15 > Stones 0.05 0.05 0.05 > Total 1.0 1.5 2.0 > > INCONSPICUOUS ADMIXTURE 5.0 5.0 5.0 > > MAXIMUM COUNT LIMITS > OTHER MATERIAL > Animal Filth 3 3 3 > Glass 0 0 0 > Unknown foreign substance 1 1 1 NEW IMPROVED CANOLA! NOW WITH A MAXIMUM OF THREE COW TURDS IN EVERY BAG! AND ONLY ONE MYSTERY ITEM! ALL WE KNOW IS IT AIN'T GLASS! Hey, wait a minute! I just proved that beans are made of glass! -- K. How do you get an integer count of animal filth? I mean, how do you determine whether to count it as one diarrhea or two diarrheas? I'M SORRY! BUT IT MUST BE OKAY TO TALK ABOUT DIARRHEA ON THE INTERNET BECAUSE IT'S OKAY TO EAT IT! ENJOY YOUR CANOLA! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: More disgusting food regulations. Date: Wed, 26 Jan 2000 03:59:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From the USDA's Web site, information on the legal definition of a weenie: > They are link-shaped and come in all sizes -- short, long, thin, and chubby. I wonder where one can buy thin hot dogs. It would be fun to braid them and then wrap challah bread around them to make a challah dog. > "Frankfurter, Hot Dog, Wiener, or Bologna With Byproducts" or "With > Variety Meats" are made according to the specifications for cooked and/or > smoked sausages (see above), except they consist of not less than 15% of > one or more kinds of raw skeletal muscle meat with raw meat byproducts. I feel better knowing that my hot dogs contain at least 15% meat-like matter and only 85% chemicals. > The definition of "meat" was amended in December 1994 to include any "meat" > product that is produced by advanced meat/bone separation machinery. More things become meat every year! > Mechanically Separated Meat (MSM) is a paste-like and batter-like (but otherwise with exactly the same texture as steak) > meat product produced by forcing beef or pork bones, with attached > edible meat, (and the other kind of meat) > under high pressure through a sieve or similar device to separate the > bone from the edible meat tissue. The latter is then discarded and the crushed bones go into the Vienna sausage. -- K. The presence of the topic "Are consumers pleased with door-to-door meat and poultry sales?" on their Web site opens up a whole new world of weird. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kodak to public: Guard your body! Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 09:09:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [returning to a topic from last week] James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Zakudo" (clockzero@aol.com) wrote: > > > > I read a disclaimer on a page of Kodak's website which included the phrase: > > "STRONG OXIDIZER: Causes EYE AND BUMS [capitalization added by me]". > > Selected highlights from the pages in question, which have obviously > been spellchecked because "bum" is always spelled correctly: > > -> A bum spot on the surface of the film causes the emulsion to get > -> hard and crusty > > -> Extensive bum damage must be removed. > > -> Causes eye and bums. Stains the skin. Avoid contact. Me being the kind soul that I am, and because I'm always curious how much inertia prevents large companies from ever altering their Web site in any way, I sent webmaster@kodak.com a nice note explaining how "burns" was spelled "bums" in several easy-to-find places, including the disclaimer about how the chemicals cause severe burns of the kind they'll get sued over by someone who whines, "But you DIDN'T say that drinking the acid could BURNS!" The webmaster personally sent me a canned form letter. The site still says "bums" everywhere. -> Greetings, -> -> Thank you for your recent visit to the Kodak web site and your question -> about your experience on kodak.com. What question was that? I don't recall asking why their chemicals cause bums. In any case, I'd like to see them answer the imaginary question. (Of course, I know that "rn" tends to be mis-read as "m" by scanning software -- as in "modem" for "modern" -- so I guess my main question would be what sort of scanner they're using. Does Kodak make scanners?) -> We appreciate your taking the time to let us about your experience on -> our site. I am forwarding your information on to the right people to -> make any needed corrections; your voice has been heard. We are working -> diligently to make sure our site is free of errors and, with the help of -> visitors, like yourself, our job is a lot easier. What could be easier than sending back a form letter and NOT fixing typos? All three "bums" pages are still on Kodak's Web site. And I bet they will be. The other experience I had along those lines recently was I discovered a major bug in the mail handling of the America Online 5.0 software for Windows. If I send mail from James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) and someone using AOL 5.0 tries to reply, it goes to James Parry (Kibokibo@world.std.com) meaning that it auto-mangles my E-mail address so that AOL users can't figure out how to reply to me if they're not very bright. I figured this would be a major problem. So, I sent them a detailed description of the problem, along with sample messages demonstrating the reproducibility, and results of some tests I'd done involving names with and without quotes coming from different Internet sites. (Incidentally, quotes are perfectly legal in the parenthesized "real name" field -- technically called the "comments" field -- according to the formal Internet standards detailed in RFC 856.) Because I'm not an AOL customer, I couldn't poke around their pointy-clicky little stack of 3x5 cards they call a user interface to find where to report bugs. So, I had to go to their Web site and fill out their feedback form. Which I did. They sent me back a lightly customized form letter thanking me for being an AOL customer: -> Dear James "Kibo" ParryI understand you have questions about e-mail ...an auspicious beginning to a discussion of names being inappropriately prefixed onto other things. -> on America Online (AOL). OH, SO THAT'S HOW TO ABBREVIATE "AMERICA ONLINE". -> For AOL e-mail related issues, please write to postmaster@aol.com. You know, that address that tens of thousands of undeliverable messages are automatically sent to every day. It's the Internet equivalent of "tell it to the Chaplain". (I dare you to yell "GO TELL IT TO THE POSTMASTER!" at people if you work in tech-support. It'll be the hip new catchphrase of the '90s!) -> Be sure to forward the original e-mail and to include any routing -> information, headers, and error messages received. Oh, like those ones I included that you threw away. -> The best source for information related to AOL e-mail questions and -> problems will be located: -> -> On America Online, please visit Keyword: POSTMASTER. See, I'm trying to send mail _to_ AOL... because I'm _NOT ON_ AOL... -> On the Internet, please visit the Postmaster Web page at the site below: -> http://members.aol.com/postmaster. After first fixing the URL because I don't think there's supposed to be a period at the end of it. It showed me a very pretty-looking FAQ that told me that if I had any problems, I should... send... mail... to... the... postmaster. BUT ONLY DURING BUSINESS HOURS! Really, apparently AOL can't receive mail after 5PM. I guess they just mean they don't have human staff members watching the machines after 5PM. AOL must be way too small to have a second shift. They signed off with a friendly thank-you: > Thank you for writing AOL. I hope you were satisfied with the service > you have received. What service? I don't use AOL. I can't send mail to AOL users. Maybe I was expecting too much for them to be able to redirect me to where I could tell people responsible for the AOL _software_ that their Windows program tries to reply to non-existent addresses. Or to understand that there is an Internet outside of AOL. So, I dare you to send polite descriptions of broken things to webmasters of major Web sites. See how many of them boil down to "Thank you for telling us about this thing we're never going to fix". (In technical terms, "The Bedbug Letter".) However, occasionally you'll get a different response -- for instance, they might vociferously deny the problem you're showing them exists. But in general, you'll be met with a polite reply from people who are paid to answer complaints and shield the people who actually do stuff from ever seeing any complaints. This is a fun game to play because you're guaranteed to find at least one broken link ("404 C:\NETSCA~1\MYPAGE~1.HTM Not Found" or "403 I Forgot To Permit Anyone But Me To Ever Look My Home Page") on every Web site, not to mention an average density of one misspelled word per square foot. -- K. I dealt with the AOL 5.0 problem by creating a "kibokibo@world.std.com" E-mail alias that forwards to where AOL 5.0 is SUPPOSED to be sending mail. Those of us not on AOL can forward E-mail and create aliases and stuff. We're just not allowed to spam people as much as AOL users are. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: TV is lying to us about yet another fact. Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 09:49:38 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I was recently watching TV (it was a kids' news show because it was 6 A.M. and it was either that or infomercials or sleazy local newscasts) and saw someone telling the world that dyslexia consists of the inability to tell "b"s from "d"s. I've seen this bizarre oversimplification before. Now, I ain't dyslexic or nothin, but I know that some people have trouble with the _other_ 24 letters. I mean, if dyslexia just consisted of the "b" and "d" looking the same, they'd print all books in CAPITAL LETTERS TO MAKE THEM EASY FOR EVERYONE TO READ. Here, take this simple test: 1.) Become dyslexic. 2.) Try to read the word T O M A T O 3.) What, that's not easy? The TV says you only have problems with "b" and "d". You disagree with TV? Oh, like _your_ opinions on dyslexia should be valid! Why should we listen to you, you're dyslexic! -- K. I want to write an entire novel in a single column of symmetric prose. T O O T ! Unfortunately, that limits my vocabulary to AH AIM AM AMITY AMMO AT ATOM AUTO AUTOMATA AVOW AWAIT AWAY AX AXIOM HA HAM HAT HAY HIM HIT HOOT HOT HOW HUH HUM HUT IT IVY MAIM MAMA MAMMA MAMMOTH MAT MATH MAX MAXIM MAXIMUM MAY MIT MIX MOAT MOOT MOTH MOTTO MOUTH MOW MUMMY MY MYTH OAT OATH OH OHIO OMIT OUT OUTWIT OX TATTOO TAU TAUT TAX TAXI THAT THAW TIT TO TOMATO TOO TOOTH TOW TOY TWO UTAH VAT VIA VITA VOMIT VOW WAIT WAX WAXY WAY WHAT WHIM WHIT WHO WHOM WHY WIT WITH WITHOUT WITTY WOO YOU YOUTH but I call dibs on this concept anyway because the list contains "MUMMY", "ATOM", and "VOMIT". P.S. I am not making fun of byslexics, I am making fun of the dozos on TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV is lying to us about yet another fact. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 06:09:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Eric Jones (xeno@clark.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > T > > O > > M > > A > > T > > O > > Hey, that word is symmetric. AND HERE COME THE SYMMETRICAL DANCING BEARS, HOPPING OVER THE SYMMETRIC HORIZON AND RIDING THEIR SYMMETRICAL UNICYCLES THROUGH THE SYMMETRICAL REVOLVING DOOR INTO OUR SYMMETRICAL HOUSE OF TOMORROW! THE BEARS ARE SYMMETRICAL ALONG *ALL* AXES, JUST LIKE TRIBBLES, ONLY THEY CAN RIDE UNICYCLES! AND THEY'RE SPARKLING AND GLOWING AND DANCING WHILE RIDING THE UNICYCLES! AND THEY ARE ALL CARRYING A PERFECTLY SYMMETRIC BANNER, SUSPENDED FROM ITS MIDDLE, READING "WE ARE THE SYMMETRIC BEARS OF 'AND WE JUST THOUGHT KIBO LIKED TO TYPE THE WORD "TOMATO" VERTICALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ARTICLES ABOUT ASYMMETRIC LETTERS FOR NO REASON AT ALL'!" AND THE THREE NESTED SETS OF QUOTE MARKS ON THE BANNER ARE ALSO SYMMETRIC AND THEY'RE RIDING DANCING UNICYCLES, AND THE DANCING UNICYCLES ARE RIDING ON A FLYING WATERBED MADE OF COMPLETELY SYMMETRICAL GOLF BALLS THAT HAVE ONLY ONE DIMPLE THAT COVERS THEM COMPLETELY! IT IS THE MOST AWESOME SITE IMAGINABLE, SO AWESOME THAT IT CANNOT BE DESCRIBED IN LOWERCASE LETTERS! -- K. AND THEN KIRK KISSED PICARD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Read this post in a mirror to find the subliminal message! Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 11:18:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to announce that as per my intentions declared a few hours ago, I have written the world's first symmetrical novel. It's not a page-turner, mainly because it wouldn't be symmetric if it had a second page. Unless the second page were the same. T I M O T H Y + M A T T A W A I T A M A H A T M A . Y O U W O O T H A T M A H A T M A . M A H A T M A O U T W I T Y O U . T I M O T H Y + M A T T W A X H O T . T W O H I T Y O U W I T H O U T A M I T Y . M A M M O T H O X M A T T M A I M Y O U W I T H O U T A M M O . Y O U V O M I T T O M A T O O A T + H A M W I T H O U T T O O T H M O U T H . Y O U V O W O A T H . O M I T M A H A T M A - M A H A T M A M O O T . O M A X I M ! M O T T O ! I W I T T Y ! -- K. I deserve the Nobel Prize For Pointless Activities! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Read this post in a mirror to find the subliminal message! Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 11:17:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Ben" (latebird@usa.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I have written the world's first symmetrical novel. > > > > I > > > > W > > I > > T > > T > > Y > > ! > > > Is A > M not symmetric? > > You could have > I > > A > M > > W > I > T > T > Y > ! No, because going around saying "I AM WITTY" or "I'M WITTY" is very uncool. > Wow, I'm wittier than a minor diety... See? > Oh, and I think the book should be printed on a mobius strip. And it should be really big and made out of a loop of railroad tracks, and to read the book you'd have to ride this locomotive shaped like a red Zapf Dingbats arrow, and it would make a horrible scraping noise as it crawled around the Mšbius strip, and then after you'd ridden it for ten seconds it would have to shut down for three hours so that the other kids at the museum wouldn't wear it out. Then you'd go across the room to the big cube of light bulbs and push the button that would show you that 8 x 8 x 8 is 509, except you'd only have one second to count all those light bulbs before they went out and it went "CLANG!" And then you'd go across the hall to the "Can You Find The Manometer?" station or up the stairs to the "Margaret Thatcher Illusion" kiosk or down the stairs to learn why The Big Dig Is Your Friend. And at the cafeteria they'd have Orbitz, but only in the BAD flavors! -- K. Someday I want to open a Museum Of Buttons that would have thousands and thousands of buttons that you could push (they'd all be at knee level so little kids could get to them, and they'd just make funny noises without doing anything) and I bet kids would like it better than the regular Museum Of Science where the kids have to put in so much effort into running up to an exhibit, whacking the button, and then running away before anything happens. Mine would have whole walls with nothing but zillions of buttons. And every time the museum collected a total of a million button-presses, candy would drop from the ceiling! HARD candy. But I'm not cruel -- we'd just drop candy, not Orbitz. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Read this post in a mirror to find the subliminal message! Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 03:20:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And at the [Museum of Science] cafeteria they'd have Orbitz, > > but only in the BAD flavors! > > Oh PHEW! > So that explains it, then. I tried one of the BAD flavors! That's right, and we cross-contaminated each other with our germs because you took a swig of swill from my bottle of Orbitz when I was about half-done. You couldn't do it at the beginning or end so that only one of us would give the other a horrible Orbitz-transmitted disease that would make us break out into little spots that would keep moving around, you had to insure that we'd both simultaneously give the disease to the other. It was the bright yellow (raspberryoid citroid) flavor, the one that tastes like Regular Alka-Seltzer, and not one of the good ones like the orange (orangoid vanilloid) flavor which tastes like baby aspirin. > I think Kibo's brane works something like this: > "Hmm. I would like an Orbitz. Oh, but they only have the BAD flavors > here! Oh well. I'll just get one of these BAD flavored-Orbitz, as > opposed to the GOOD flavored Orbitz, which taste like sex. Anyhow, I > should get an Orbitz because I need to drink something strange to > uphold my eccentric reputation." > > (Leah is a high-fructose corn syrup kind of girl and thinks .. hey, > how bad can it be?) > LEAH: Kibo, may I try some Orbitz? > (Leah tries some of the BAD flavor Orbitz) > LEAH: EWWW! This tastes like STOMACH ACID! Ptui! Ptui! Icky Poo! > It's worse than that, even! It's just ... it's yellow! It tastes > like yellow! And I carefully avoided any half-digested tapioca, too! > Yuckie! Kibo, you're WEIRD! > > Kibo smiles. > > Leah gets a 50 oz coffee to wash the taste out of her mouth. > > Kibo opens a tin of asifoeteda. > We all lose. > > The end. Yeah, but Barry Shein let me try some of his Sen-Sen today, and let me tell you, you'd rather wash the taste of that out of your mouth with Sen-Sen. In return I gave him a tetrahedral blob of durian dodol, but he refused to eat it because he's never allowed to have anything with any carbohydrates in it. Sen-Sen taste considerably more mediciney than Orbitz. They were invented in 1890 and I will wager that they have been "improved" less over these 110 years than Moxie or Dr. Pepper have. They have a sort of licorice-mothballs-and-camphor flavor. So, Leah, now that you've posted a true account of our meeting at the Museum of Science, allow me to quickly type up a description of our dinner at that Brazilian restaurant the day before: LEAH VERRE Hey, Kibo, let's let Tom order for us. He's from Portugal and so he speaks Brazilian like a native. KIBO Okay, Tom, go ahead. TOM VERRE (whispering the in waiter's ear) Psst, psst, psst... (The waiter brings a plate with various unidentifiable black objects in all possible geometric and/or amorphous shapes. Everyone begins eating.) KIBO (with his mouth full) Hey, Tom, what are these things that look like sausages? TOM Shitties! (Kibo does a spit-take just like Danny Thomas.) KIBO Oh, wait, I just remembered I had a Spanish class once, so I realized you're pronouncing the Spanish word "chhhorizo" -- meaning a Brazilian sausage -- wrong because you speak Brazilian and not Spanish. TOM Please don't hit me! LEAH It's okay, Tom, he's not going to hit you. It's okay, Kibo, you can hit him. KIBO I just thought you were saying "shitties". As long as they're just chorizo they're okay with me. By the way, you know what's in chorizo, right? TOM (with his mouth full) No, what? KIBO The entire immune system of a pig! (Tom does a spit-take just like Patty Duke in "The Miracle Worker".) Okay, so maybe I embellished it a little. But this is television, where it's only entertaining if it's NOT true! Nothing interesting ever happens on the NEWS because it's all REAL! -- K. Except on CBS, where they started sticking in computer-animated flashing neon signs behind Dan Rather on New Year's Eve. P.S. Actually my meal was a platter called "Brasil 2000" which was quite good, although I didn't eat most of the fried na-nas or any of the pig's knuckles. Come to think of it, nobody at the table ate any of the pig's knuckles, although we did put them all on Matt McIrvin's plate. He likes to look at knuckly things. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Thu, 27 Jan 2000 11:49:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "HELL IS FOREVER!" yell the TV preachers. But I wasn't in Hell yesterday! Or the day before! Or the day before that! In fact, I've never been in Hell any time in the past! Therefore, HELL IS ONLY HALF OF FOREVER! So cheer up and go back to whatever you were doing. -- K. I promise I won't tell God what you did with the stolen underwear. P.S. No, wait, Hell could be all of forever, including the past, if it has time machines. Are there time machines in Hell, and if so, how much does it cost to ride one? Please let me know so I can decide what size gun to buy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 10:28:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dan Schmitt (dmschmit@shock.tamu.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > HELL IS ONLY HALF OF FOREVER! > > This always bugs me. > > I mean, you can have something that > is eternal (Hell is forever) or > something that will go on forever > (perpetuate a hell upon someone, > or Kibo's next half) but I can't > find a word for ending something > that has existed forever (the first > half of something eternal, like > the permanent ending of some > condition.) The Church Of Latter-Day Saints (the people who insist that they're not formally called "Mormons" because they don't want the bigots to realize that it would turn into a perfectly good slur if they left out one "m") believes in a "pre-mortal" life, because we're immortal both before and after our existence here. (Makes just as much sense to me as the regular Christian way.) Basically, the LDS believes something along the lines of (please correct me since I'm probably unintentionally mangling the doctrine) when we get married, not only are we united with our spouses forever after we die, but somehow we're getting married to the same person we already had some sort of pre-mortal relationship with in the before-life. At least that's what I remember from this short LDS-produced film I once saw at a Propaganda Film Festival. (Plot highlight: She made the mistake of considering marrying someone who was "outside the church", i.e. a heathen lout. He showed up at her house to take her out and produced a gift from behind his back -- A BIG BOTTLE OF WHISKEY! She held her hands in front of her face and backed away. Also I recall that the guy liked to drive around the block over and over in Las Vegas while pictures of casinos' neon signs were superimposed in high-cliche' style.) Ha! My paragraph is exactly the same shape as yours only twice as tall and twice as wide! (Poor Spot! He was the world's worst Dachshund! He was half a dog long and a dog-and-a-half tall!) > Kibo, since you have such pull with > the dictionary folks, could you > make up a word that fits that > definition and make them add it to > the dictionary for me. It would have to be something that would mesh with that Stanislaw Lem story where Benita Bizarre's pals Woofer and Tweeter -- excuse me, Klapaucius and Trurl -- made the machine that destroyed most of the things that started with the letters W through Z, so that there will never again be any wurches and zits. (I think the translator didn't know that "zit" was a real, non-funny word.) Also, the condition you describe could be graphed on a number line as <############################o----------------------------> -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 ...which, if you will recall the OTHER story I tell almost as often as the one about the Propaganda Film Festival, was what they called "Calculus" at Schenectady County Community College. -- K. We need a word for those community-college math courses which are simulatenously easy yet completely inapplicable to actual life. You know, the ones that are easier than watching TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 04:00:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Short Smashful Confession: > > I > > Flunked > > Math. > > Son of Short Smashful Confession Junior the second: > So > Did > I. > > But you're saying to yourself, Dean, aren't you a scientist of some sort? > And I come back with: NO! HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU > THIS!!! I'M AN OPERATIONS GUY, NOT A SCIENTIST. (Did you see this Matt?) All Dean does all day is to stick the metal tweezers into the little cardboard cutout of the Space Shuttle and if he can't take the satellite out of the payload bay without touching the sides, its nosecone lights up red and goes "BZZZZZZT!" > But that's beside the point. During my freshman year of college I was in > Calculus II which in that school system was the introduction to integrals > and their mysterious ways. This course presented a few unique challenges > that I was unable to overcome: > > 1- The teacher, Georgia Triantifalo (one of the few teachers whose name I > can remember) would simply write the text from the text book on the board > for her lectures. Truly inspiring. > > 2- The teaching assistant was this strange Greek chyk with a wicked nasty > accent ( she calle them Sinos and Cosinos) that made minimal sense. I had one physics course with a Chinese fellow who said "stethoscope" whenever he meant "statistics" while talking about statistics. > 3- There was no homework assigned. "All problems from the book should be > attempted. However, this homework shall not be collected." I was a lazy > bastard so I did just as much as was required of me. Me too. > 4- During the lectures I sat next to one of the few people I knew at this > huge school. We would spend the lectures punching each other in our best > 18-year-old mature fashion. I spent the whole time afraid someone might someday punch me. > The failing grade shouldn't have come as a surprise. I flunked Calculus III at RPI (unlike you, we had integrals in Calc I, Calc III probably would have been hard for me even if I had already matured into the required study habits) and, when I transferred to the jokey collumity college (WOOP WOOP WOOP THRICE-TOLD STORY ALARM) they didn't process the transfer credits for Calc I and II and told me that until they did (more than half a semester later!) I would have to take Calc I because obviously they couldn't take me at my word that I had taken Calc I before the other two courses at RPI. This "Calculus" course at the community college is the one I've repeatedly described as starting with one-dimensional number lines and working it way up to computing the area of a parallelogram by multiplying the height by the width. I never did any of my homework (I sat in the back writing fiction and drawing pictures of spaceships blowing up the people who don't know how to process transfer credits) and, several weeks into the course, the teacher noticed my utter lack of homework and asked me why I wasn't doing my homework. I said, "I got an 'A' in this last time I took Calc I at RPI." She didn't bother me for the rest of the year. The grade was basically wholly determined by the final exam (less a few percent for not doing the homework) so I got a 99 on the final and 98 for the course. Then I went on to be the vice-president of the community college Math Club, but that's another pitiful story. > But on the upside, when I retook the course the next quarter I had a cool > professor who would exclaim as he finished a mathematical proof something > like: "Oh joy supreme!" or "Will wonders never cease!". But perhaps even > more important was the fact that there was this cute chyk named Kaye that > lived in my dorm that I tutored in this same calculus course. So perhaps > that's why today I can proudly exclaim, "Needless to say, I got the job." Do you ever want to go back there and find your most boring teachers and just tell them that if they had motivated you a little harder you could have gotten a cooler job than being a launch controller for the Space Shuttle to see if they cry? I think all us ex-nerds have fantasies like that. And the one about the Tie Fighters blowing up the little pre-fab building that houses the people who can't type some "A"s and "B"s and "C"s off your transcript into the computer. TYPING IS HARD! MAKE THEM TAKE THE SAME MATH COURSE AGAIN, BECAUSE MATH IS EASIER THAN TYPING! (Well, actually, at that community college, it WAS.) > So what's the moral of this story? Justification is easy, comedy is hard. > (For those of you new to ARK, that last sentence was somewhat shamelessly > stolen from Stephen Will Tanner. COME BACK STEPHEN, ALL IS FORGIVEN!) justification i s n e v e r e a s y -- K. I wanted to type a 13-character wide period after that but I couldn't find it on my keyboard. Didn't the Monotype keyboard have an optional 13-unit-wide period? P.S. I forgot to mention "Doctor Who" in this post about math nerds. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 10:46:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I had one physics course with a Chinese fellow who said > > "stethoscope" whenever he meant "statistics" while talking > > about statistics. > > Last night, I had a dream where I was in a Sociology class and the > lecturer told us that there should be Nice Value Theorem to go with > the Mean Value Theorem. Some people dream in black and white. Kibologists dream in puns. I still dare you to top my dreams that contain entire "Laugh-In" episodes starring Peter Sellers and Harlan Ellison, though. I wish Peter Sellers were alive so I could mail him a description of him eating his foot because he didn't like chicken salad. > I had a statistics prof who may have said other words, but it all sounded > like "pippsi", when he could be heard at all. I was not alone in thinking > that. Nation of origin? Elsewhere. > > Actual stats lecture: > > PROF: "mmm...hmmm...sssPIPPSI...hmmm...mmm...PIPPSImmm..." > STUDENT: "We can't HEEEEAR YOU!!!" > PROF: "PIPPSIsssPIPPSI...mmmm....hmmm...PIPPSI" > [repeat for fifty minutes] Did he also subliminally flash "EET POPPCORN" on the overhead projector? > Fortunately, I think the department intervened and gave everyone who was > failing a C, e.g. me, for humanitarian reasons. Oh, the dreaded Engineering School C Vortex where, to be perfectly fair, they give everyone Cs, which is fair because they're exactly halfway between the best and the worst grades so there's nothing wrong with being given a C like everyone else who went on to become Vice-President. > I had a differential equations prof who didn't like overhead projectors > and destroyed two pull-down screens when they didn't retract fast enough. > The first, he torn out of the ceiling, the second, he used a knife. > Engineering students who used "j" instead of "i" had to bring in a dean > or two to stop him from failing them. J think J would be annoyed by that and J would complain to the authorities. > > P.S. I forgot to mention "Doctor Who" in this post about > > math nerds. > > I really like that one rock quarry that they used for one or two of the > episodes. Just think, if Vazquez Rock, Bronson Film Cave, and LA's Second Street Tunnel and the drainage canals had all been built in London instead of Los Angeles, all British TV would be as good as American TV. I really liked the part of "Volcano" where Tommy Lee Jones saves LA from the vicious lava that's chasing him around by tricking it into the drainage canal where it won't hurt anyone except the casts of "CHiPs" and "Knight Rider", YAY!!! Also when he's knocking over the nonexistent skyscraper to make the lava make a left turn his little girl is standing under the building as it falls over and he's in the middle of a huge crowd half a mile away and only he can see the building falling on her and as it falls he has time to climb over the entire oblivious crowd and run three blocks and grab the girl and stand perfectly still while holding her directly under the falling building but she's okay because he's taller than her so only he gets a light coating of plaster dust as the Styrofoam building harmlessly bounces off his head. Disaster movies have the BEST action scenes, as long as they're not made by Irwin Allen, in which case it would be a cutout of a black and white postcard from the 1950s toppling over into half a glass of water as Robert Vaughn and Maureen McCormick act only vaguely interested and O.J. Simpson saves the old lady's cat. -- K. Graphic design problem: Suppose Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Penny Marshall, and Cindy Williams did a movie together -- who would get top billing? And how big a disaster would THAT movie be? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 08:48:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Graphic design problem: Suppose Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, > > Penny Marshall, and Cindy Williams did a movie together -- > > who would get top billing? > > The lawyers. Sheesh. > > Dave "in fact, I sense they're already circling, drawn by the explanation" > DeLaney Okay, now that you've mentioned the explanation, the lawyers now require me to make one u^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hpost the real explanation now: "The Towering Inferno" was originally two movies being made by competing studios, based on the novels "The Tower" and "The Glass Inferno". One was going to star Steve McQueen and the other Paul Newman. One of the two producers, a genius named Irwin Allen, realized that he would only make half of all the money at the box office that summer, so he orchestrated a deal between the two studios to combine them into one super-sub-plot-a-riffic three-hour-and-then-some epic of hundreds of minor celebrities dying violently one at a time. That way he'd make even more money trading in ownership of all of a lame disaster movie for half-ownership of the world's most awesome movie ever! However, McQueen's contract promised him top billing. Newman's contract promised him top billing. So, the solution that was agreed upon was that they would be listed diagonally backwards: STEVE McQUEEN PAUL NEWMAN ...so that McQueen would get top billing for the half of the audience that reads from the top down, and Newman would get top billing for the half of the audience that reads from left to right. It all depended on whether elevation trumped azimuth, leaving the decision up to Y-O-U!!! So, when they were making "Laverne & Shirley", the same thing happened. Presumably Cindy "Waah, I'm Just Shirley" Williams didn't want to be listed second underneath the producer's sister, but obviously Penny "Watch It, I'm The Producer's Sister" Marshall couldn't be listed below someone who wasn't related to Garry "I Thunk Up 'American Graffiti' All By Myself" Marshall, so they were listed as CINDY WILLIAMS PENNY MARSHALL ...except in some of the syndicated reruns, where they were CINDY WILLIAMS as Shirley PENNY MARSHALL as Laverne (Those were "Laverne & Shirley And Company", I think) and also if you believe Garry Marshall there was a version aired in Thaiwan (it's either Thailand or Taiwan depending on what year you ask him to repeat the story) which said CINDY WILLIAMS PENNY MARSHALL THESE WOMEN ARE FROM A MENTAL INSTITUTION. ...to explain why they were allowed to be "fresh" with men, and of course there was that disastrous final season of "Laverne & Shirley" without Shirley, PENNY MARSHALL ...but I would have preferred it if they had kept using the old title sequence and just replaced Cindy Williams with a big blotch of turpentine like the cameo by the giant transparent ameba in "Gunga Din" that used to be Rudyard Kipling himself except apparently the producers didn't feel he really understood the point of "Gunga Din" and so they dissolved him off the master negative and cleaned it up with a shoe brush. Thus endeth the explanation. alt.religion.kibology may not play the Kibo Explains It All card again for 24 hours, because it's attached to the red button on Bob Barker's Range Finder console. However, Matt McIrvin will do explanations at any time. He loves doing explanations. Or was that imitations? Well, whatever, ask him to do both next time you meet him. -- K. Follow-up question: If Irwin Allen had merged "Lost In Space" with a Sid & Marty Krofft show, would Penny Marshall have played both Penny and Marshall in "Land Of The Lost In Space"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 03:46:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We need a word for those community-college math courses > > which are simulatenously easy yet completely inapplicable to > > actual life. You know, the ones that are easier than watching TV. > > Short Smashful Confession: > I > Flunked > Math. The kind that's useful in real life, or just the kind they tried to teach at the community college I was describing? Look at it this way: No matter which kind of math you lack, you could still win "The Price Is Right"'s Clock Game. > I did so poorly in anything math related in high school that when I > went to the dumb Community College I had to fill up my schedule with > math courses so that I'd get my coveted 2-year degree transferable to > a real college. (Then I went to the real college and decided that > school and I have issues and that we really shouldn't see each other > anymore. Which makes me wish that I'd heard of Emerson when I was > looking into school type places, because it seems like the complete > opposite of a school type place.) I think Emerson did have some sort of Remedial Math-Like Course that they only required deficient students to take (the ones who had been to a high school that only had two 'R's.) Emerson really had no math courses except for that, and I would love to know if their syllabus was sillier than Schenectady County Community College's. (At SCCC, I also had a science course titled "Tour Of The Solar System" that only dispensed inaccurate information about our nation's sky's back yard, while Emerson didn't have any science courses.) Of course, the first of the three colleges I attended only had four humanities courses, so I got a well-rounded attention by first going to a school that only taught nerd stuff, then I went to SCCC which didn't teach anything, then I went to Emerson which only taught useful stuff like how to analyze TV commercials. > So I had to fill up my schedule with Calculus. Only I flunked out > within days of the course so I got moved down into Math For Stupids, > or Algebra 101. I barely passed that, but only becuase the teacher > kind of dug me. There are much, much, much lower levels of math than algebra (actually, _advanced_ algebra -- number theory and all that -- can be one of the hardest brain-strainers, or so I'm told by people who understand more of Bertrand Russell than I ever did) and the lower levels of math include: * Business Math. I got kicked out of that class once in junior high school because, a few years before, I had been allowed to work at my own pace and had finished all the (skimpy) problem sets for the year in a few weeks (I'm not that great at math, but I work really fast) and wound up a year ahead of the "accelerated" class the next year. They didn't know what to do with me, so... because I had already used up the normal math course and the accelerated math course... they put me in the only one I hadn't yet been in, "Business Math". Which I still think was a code-name for "Remedial Math And Life Skills For People We Think Will Be Too Poor To Ever Afford To Have Someone Else Do Their Taxes For Them." It consisted entirely of stuff like checkbook-balancing (the word "debit" means "loss", you know, hard concepts like that) and I, one of the school super-brainiac doubledome I.Q. 5000 nerds, was plopped into the middle of this class in the middle of the semester, surrounded by the entire football team. They all knew each other well by that point and nobody liked me, so I made the mistake of trying desperately to fit in by being the class clown. And I got thrown out of the class! I assume it was just for the day, not forever, but I simply never went back. I just went over to the accelerated class and sat in the back and doodled quietly, and the accelerated math teacher understood. For the remainder of my early schooling, I was happy to only be one year ahead of the "regular students" because at least there was a whole classful of students in that situation and at least we could talk to each other about Monty Python and "Doctor Who". And below the level of Business Math: * Chisanbop. They briefly taught this imported-from-Korea concept in New York State for about two years, and thankfully I missed it. This was something they used with first-graders as a cheap replacement for an abacus: The fingers on your left hand were worth ten each, and the fingers on your right hand were worth one each, and you counted each of them twice or something so you still had tens, and it was just as easy as using an abacus except even easier because you were counting on your fingers and it had an Asian-sounding name so it must be good because we know that all those Asians are genetically predisposed to being good at math, so we should count on our fingers like someone told us they do. (I've been assuming this was made up. Have any of you folks living outside the USA even heard of "Chisanbop"?) The one easy math-like thing I'm sorry I missed: * The New Math. This was a loosely-related collection of math-like concepts (without any actual addition, subtraction, etc.) which was in vogue in the late sixties and early seventies. The curriculum usually included stuff about set theory (unions and intersections), Venn diagrams (don't you use those in your everyday life? At least if you have a MasterCard?), and different base systems, especially "Duodecimal", base 12, which was so logical and perfect that the whole world would switch to it some day! The digit for "ten" is pronounced "dek" but spelled "X", and the digit for "eleven" is "el" but spelled "E" and not "L"! It's all so perfect and useful! But then the USA got Metric Fever and everyone started foaming at the mouth over converting to Metric instead of Duodecimal (they couldn't do both, because Duodecimal would make Metric A MILLION TIMES HARDER) and then the country completely converted to Metric in 1976. For a week. Then everyone forgot. > So when we went to the Museum of Science recently and Kibo pointed out > that Mathmatica is his favorite section I sort of cringed because I > knew that I'd start to hear all sorts of things like blah blah blah > math stuff blah boolean blah blah algorithm blah thingy more math > stuff blah. > > And then I'd point to a shiny lightbulb and say "pretty!" Tom pointed to the cone with the loops of string around it labelled "ARCHIMEDES' MENTAL MODEL" and said, "HEY, LOOK, KIBO, YOU FORGOT TO MAKE FUN OF THAT!" > But I can get along okay, you know. I don't need any of your sooper > brainified advanced math to survive. I can balance my checkbook just > fine, thank you. And I have Tom around for anything that requires > actual thinking. So HAH HAH! I don't need your stinking numbers. But X and E are numbers in Duodecimal! So stop using X and E in sentences, you selective-math-ignorer you! If you're going to eschew real math, you also have to eschew the phony made-up math stuff they teach in schools too! Also, if you don't like math, how come you know so much about "Doctor Who"? > Therefore, > I > Win > Again. Yes, but I actually win, because I called a time-reversed dibs on winning after you did. -- K. It was time-reversed and upside down, just like that one episode of "Doctor Who"'s title sequence where they threaded the film of the green swirly zigzags backwards. > XXOO > Leah sqip .s.d ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 06:54:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, if you don't like math, how come you know so much about "Doctor Who"? > > Wasn't every nerd girl in the world enthralled with Tom Baker at one > time or another? So THAT'S why none of them would go out with me! > When I was 15, I was sooooooooo into Dr. Who that my parents thought I > was cracking up. I met this 30 year old guy at a Eurythmics concert > who was wearing a big idiot scarf and immediately decided we were best > friends for life. So I brought him over to show my parents. "See my > friend? He's SO COOL! He's into that Dr. Who stuff" And all my > folks could see was some 7' tall weirdo who was way too old to be > hanging around their possibly mentally challenged daughter. > Ah, those were the days! Indeed. > They actually decided he was okay when he got me a "good deal" on a > "computer" one day. A Dataview 2000. It had 64 K and TWO, count em, > TWO floppy drives. So I could play Zork and not have to switch disks. > > Eventually, though .. and forgive if I've brought this up before .. > this computer died when my nephew fed it bottlecaps. After saving up a dozen to shove in there, did he at least get a free dialysis machine? > > Yes, but I actually win, because I called a time-reversed dibs on winning > > after you did. > > DAMN you, Kibo! Damn you and your time-reversal math blah blah thingy > thing thing stuff! > > > sqip .s.d > > You have no clue as to the severe calamity you've just unleashed. Excuse me, Leah, but you forgot to tell me I misspelled sq!p .s.d But that's okay because I called a time-reversed forgiveness on you before you goofed. -- K. I wish there were one-letter words that weren't palindromes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FAQ Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 07:24:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I do note that Charles Nelson Reilly played King Llort in "A Troll in > Central Park." Where was that performed? > I am not making this up. To which of those two sentences does that "this" refer? > Kibo will now say "WEE-WEE." (Kibo puts on his snow pants and "Dr. Who" scarf and hat with ear flaps, then trudges through miles of snow to arrive at a massive snowdrift outside Ted Frank's window. He pulls down his pants and wee-wees "SAY" in the snow.) -- K. I hear that they're putting a chemical in snow now that turns the whole yard green whenever someone does that. And also they electrify it to kill homeless people. And candiru live in it. And there was this guy who was writing in snow and his winky got cold so he warmed it up in the microwave oven. I know this is true because I paid $250 to Mrs. Fields for her Bright Red Animal 57 Cookie recipe and written on the back was "SEND THIS GUY THE BEDBUG LETTER" and when they were sending out the day's letters they mixed the ten of them up and only nine of them were in the right envelopes and instead of getting the bedbug letter I learned something useful. So, don't pee in snow any more! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FAQ Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 11:07:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "robert lindsay" (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > > > I do note that Charles Nelson Reilly played King Llort in "A Troll in > > Central Park." > > In other 'how the mighty have fallen' news, Wait... Charles Nelson Reilly was once "mighty"? ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE FLORIDLY EFFEMINATE MIGHT OF KING CHARLES THE "WEE-WEE" SAYER! > The guy who played 'Q' on NexGen shows up as one of the dumb villians > on a Disney Channel movie about a guy who is pschically linked to a dog. > The villians shoot each other in the butt with dart guns. I want to make a movie where people hunt each other with lawn darts. Remember Jarts? As far as Mr. Q goes -- not Desmond Llewellyn (who is not to be confused with Desmond Llewellyn) but the even sillier guy -- you mean John DeLancie (not to be confused with the actor named John DeChancie). I was recently asked if I had a message to convey to Mr. DeLancie, who was signing autographs at a computer convention I wasn't going to. (Yes, there are some of those.) I immediately thought of Mr. DeLancie's bit part as the Army lieutenant in both parts of the "Six Million Dollar Man" episode about the evil Russian Venus Probe which looks like a VW Beetle with a crane arm holding a Death Ray Lazzer pistol on top of it, and will explode if Steve Austin (the only astronaut to make a solo trip to the Moon) lifts it ten feet off the ground with a helicopter because it's "pressurized for Venus". So I said to the guy who might be meeting John DeLancie, "Tell him I liked him on 'The Six Million Dollar Man' and ask him if he's done anything since." > This may be worse than Henry Winkler's return as Disney villian, where > he gets sprayed by mustard being blown by a fan. Oh, the mustard was being blown by a _fan_. I thought it was just that these days, instead of entering to a faux standing ovation like on "Happy Days", Henry Winkler just sucked up all the mustard in the room. > > Kibo will now say "WEE-WEE." > > Tinkle. I still find that show weird and yet it explains to me why many people like Jay Leno's and David Letterman's monologues, etc. It's because some (by no means all) of us who watch those shows are operating with the same degree of humor-cluefulness as "Match Game" contestants. They honestly can't see punchlines parachuting in for a landing no matter how obviously, because if people could everyone would have won a billion dollars on every episode of "Match Game". The whole point of "Match Game" was that Gene Rayburn would say: "Bald Ernie was so dumb that he thought if he dipped his head in the toilet, he'd grow BLANK!" And then the contestants have a minute or so to write down "HAIR" or "WEE-WEE", according to whether it's one of the filthy filthy questions or one of the rare non-wee-wee questions, and then Gene Rayburn would ask the contestant to fill in the BLANK, and she'd need it explained to her, and then she'd say "...he thought that if he dipped his head in the toilet, he'd grow TOMATOES IN HIS WINDOWBOX!" And then either the six celebrities would either make fun of her terrible answer or make fun of Brett Somers's terrible answer depending on whether or not they had an unusually bright contestant. A way to make "Match Game" actually interesting would be to cross-pollinate it with "Jeopardy" and just give the punchlines and then make people come up with the straight line. But Craig Kilborn already does that on what used to be Tom Snyder's show, and Obnoxio The Clown used to do it in Marvel's "Crazy" magazine (only he allowed you to make up your own filthy filthy straight line) and "Dear Meg" does it brilliantly every week in _The Weekly World News_. CONFIDENTIAL TO DISGUSTED IN CINCINNATI: SO JUST EAT AROUND HER! -- K. I still say we need a game show with a panel of ex-Presidents competing against a panel of game show hosts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Resp: Human Nature Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 07:54:59 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com [re an alt.religion.kibology discussion about all the scientists in the world agreeing that bumblebees can't fly, an anecdote used on "Doctor Who" numerous times to distract you from asking why the Daleks can recognize the Doctor every time they meet him even though he's played by a different actor, and why everyone on the show can speak Ancient Greek, and why sometimes you can meet yourself by travelling through time but not other times, and why it's okay that only half the Universe gets destroyed every week] > Chris Franks (chris_franks@agilent.com) wrote: > > > What nonsense is that? Some stupid newspaper printed the first half > > of a statement by an aeronautical engineer, who said that bumblebees > > could not fly UNLESS THEY MOVE THEIR WINGS. I say bumblebees cannot move their wings! When they are born, their wings immediately fuse to a fixed location in space, and the bees have to detach their wings if they want to fly around! Also, their wings are truly fixed with no location to any particular inertial frame of reference! Einstein proved it in that book he wrote! > > In other words, they are not good gliders. Do you mean porch gliders, or the little plastic things that go under the feet of your armoire? I ask this just as that I can use the word "armoire" in a sentence and point out to Etienne Rouette that I once saw an ad for cheap video movies that said that they came in "amoray" boxes. I've always figured they dictated the ad to someone over the phone. I assume it wasn't a long-distance call because they both had to be in Bozoland. (In the videotape world, an armoire box is any piece of cardboard with a flap on it so you can play "peek-a-boo!" with the box art over and over to entertain yourself while you're suffering through the bad Herschel Gordon Lewis movie.) > > An urban legend sprang up and is used by non-technical people to > > disparage aeronautical engineers YEAH, BEES SHOULD NOT TRY TO BE AERONAUTICAL ENGINEERS! COME BACK WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO BUZZ WITHOUT MOVING YOUR WINGS, BEE„OR WENCES! > > when once again, it is the popular media that got it twisted. The anti-bee bias strikes again! This is why we must cancel PBS's funding. That and "Sesame Street". I mean, we've got "Teletubbies" now, and it's so perky that we don't need Muppets any more. Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Yes, but when urban legends get sufficiently explained in the > alt.folklore.urban FAQ, they pupate, undergo a mysterious and > beautiful metamorphosis, and eventually emerge as running gags > on alt.religion.kibology. I hear that Bert is gay but Ernie isn't, he just got AIDS from sharing a dishwasher with Bert, and the reason they put Ernie on the show is that the government that runs PBS wanted to get people used to what mutants would look like after a nuclear war. -- K. Also in the background of the cartoon where Peter Max's pinball machine counts to 12, you can see a man being executed. He was Jim Henson and his body is buried in the unused space of Caroll Spinney's Big Bird suit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I met Nick Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:04:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > If we're going to talk about launches we definitely need to mention that a > space shuttle is slated to go up next Monday (1/31) if the weather > cooperates. I'm pretty sure that the primary goal of this mission is to > irradiate nearly every man, woman, and child on earth with DEADLY > RADIATION!!! Some might even call it an effor to map the entire earth > into a single database, but those people are FUKKEN NAIVE!!! I thought they were just going to bounce microwaves off the Earth to cook all the frozen White Castle burgers in the world so that they'd save me some time once I steal all the White Castle burgers in the world with my NASA-designed magnet that only attracts White Castle burgers. > So if you live anywhere between 57 degrees north or south latitude > I recommend that you wear tinfoil headware every time you venture out > of your lead lined bunker during the course of the mission. Oh, lead-LINED. I thought they said lead-FILLED. Anyone got a shovel that can dig a hole into lead? I hope they've discovered a metal harder than lead so they can make a shovel out of it. > Additionally, any guys who would like the begotting of heirs to > be a part of their future should take the extra precaution of > lining their underwear with tinfoil. How can I do that, if they might not be born for a few years? Do I have to line their diapers with foil or can I wait until they're wearing Big Kid underwear just like Daddy wears only with more pictures of Batman on it? > If it seems like a hassle to wear tinfoil for a couple of weeks It's more of a hassle to STOP wearing it. It becomes fun after a while. > you could look up the ground track and determine at which point in > the mission you're most likely to be at risk, How many weeks does it take the Space Shuttle to orbit the Earth? Is it longer than John Glenn took when he was the first man to go into space, not counting that Russian woman that nobody knows about because she died opening the window to make a "left turn" signal with her hand? > but isn't it better to be safe than sorry? And more importantly, > how are you to know THAT THEY AREN'T LYING TO YOU?!?!? Because I trust NASA. -- K. After all, they went to the Moon just to prove it was possible to cure the common cold. Also they used that big rocket because bees can't fly. The original plan was to just fill Buzz Aldrin's spacesuit with bees and let him float up to the Moon, which is where bees go when it rains. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New reason to slap soeone. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:26:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Recently, the ultra-sekrit Transmeta unleashed their ultra-sekrit Crusoe > processor, which promises to revolutionize the mobile computing industry. > This is the concept that will reduce form factors like crazy. Hey, Nick, there's this super-cool new piece of techno-jargon they've just invented to replace "form factors"! It's called "size"! FORM FACTOR FOOTPRINT ALL THIS --> HAS BEEN REDUCED TO THIS --> SIZE PHYSICAL CONSTRAINTS CASE CLEARANCE This new term will form a common bridge of communication between the Windows, Mac, Linux, and Amiga die-hards and will render all discussion of computer stuff clear and lucid and as easy as a _TV Guide_ crossword. Unless one of the Mac people says their computer has "applications" and the other people ask, "You mean you have to fill out a stack of forms to be allowed to use a Mac now?" And then someone will say "golden master" and some of us will think about Gert Frobe spanking Honor Blackman. > A lot of intelligent journalists asked a lot of intelligent questions > about this software-driven microprocessor: since it essentially emulates > an x86 processor, will it someday emulate a 68000 or PowerPC? Since there > is now software in the chip, can that software crash? Oh, no, the new chip will NEVER crash. Unless, of course, they ever manufacture it. > Will hackers be able to get into the processor and mess with the code > morphing software? Programmable DSPs (digital signal processors, i.e. things that turn movies on DVDs into movies on screens) have existed for a while. (TI keeps running TV commercials about how cool their programmable DSP is, and I keep saying to myself, "Wow! TI has realized there is a big market for impulse purchases of programmable DSPs in boxes of a million!") Currently one of the silly-yet-cool hacker tricks is to use the programmable DSP (or "field-programmable gate array" to use the even clearer alterate terminology) on an MPEG movie-player card to crack other people's passwords relatively fast. Instead of waiting for your computer's central processor to test a zillion potential passwords in alphabetical order, you farm the task out to the matrix of individually-twiddlable teeny circuits on the MPEG card and let them all go at it at the same time. > I would have asked whether chips like these could be used for purposes > other than a CPU; for example, for 3d rendering chips, I/O controllers, > or MPEG decoders? Too bad you didn't or I would have talked about them for a while. I'm glad you didn't because now I won't bore everyone. The drawback is that I won't be able to coin the word "individually-twiddlable". > Could there be one chip that could be programmed to do all three of > these things on demand? Think someone could make a chip that fits > on an ISA or PCI or PCMCIA card and acts as a multiple-peripheral > sort of thing, so that it can be either a HardSID card, > or a video capture card, maybe one that'll descramble Cinemax for me? And then I'll sneak a virus into it so that whenever you look at pornography, it changes the pictures to look like a naked Harold Sakata. > But, I see a huge annoyance that will be associated with the Crusoe > processor. > > Between the Gilligan's Island theme song and the existence of David > Caruso, a lot of people will be mispronouncing this processor's name. > > I will be forced to show up at work with a big rubber chicken just to > smack people across the face and say "CRU-SOE! CRU-SOE! TWO SYLLABLES! > SAY IT! SAY IT!!!!" What's wrong with saying it the way I do, in one syllable? You know, like "www". > And then one of these days I'll slip and say it wrong and people > will grab my rubber chicken and take turns smacking me with it. I'm still alternating between the normal pronounciation of Linux and the correct one, just to make sure I annoy everyone. Also, somewhere I still have the Atari 800 manual that told me to pronounce "DOS" the same as the Spanish number "2". > I remember when chips were named after meaningless numbers. What happened > to those days? People made up meanings for all the numbers. That's why there's that joke about the guys in prison listening to the prisoner telling the joke, "15, 54, 4-0-7-3, 9108, 2, 11-16... SEVENTY-ONE POINT FIVE!" and nobody laughs because he didn't tell it right. (The joke ABOUT that is a lot less funny than the joke IN that.) So, because numbers are now meaningful, please check your Social Security card for obscene numbers. -- K. Also, I apologize for mentioning Gert Frobe, Honor Blackman, and Harold Sakata but not that gal who died when they were making the movie because to keep from showing her nude they only painted most of her gold and she suffocated because her bikini was covering the base of her spine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reminders of the Future! Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:29:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > This came from the book _Mozart_ by Maynard Solomon. Remind me, > constantly if you have to, that writing anything this pretentious is an > automatic "Go to hell, go straight to hell, do not pass Hollywood" card. > (This isn't a half bad book, but sometimes you just have to scream or > taunt or vomit when something like this is written.) > > "If the serenade style's dominant procedure is that of constant > metamorphosis, its central organizing image is the image of plenitude, > springing from an overflowing abundance of unsullied idealism as yet > untouched by any hints of morbidity, cynicism, or disillusionment." Oh my god... ...for the first time someone wrote a book just like people really talk... ...IN ALT.POSTMODERN! -- K. OOH WHAT A BURRRRRN! Score one for the pre-postmodern era! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.postmodern From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reminders of the Future! Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 05:08:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Ben Wolfson (rumjuggler@home.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > This came from the book _Mozart_ by Maynard Solomon. > > > > > > "If the serenade style's dominant procedure is that of constant > > > metamorphosis, its central organizing image is the image of plenitude, > > > springing from an overflowing abundance of unsullied idealism as yet > > > untouched by any hints of morbidity, cynicism, or disillusionment." > > > > ...for the first time someone wrote a book just like people really talk... > > > > ...IN ALT.POSTMODERN! > > Have you been in alt.postmodern recently? Most of the subject headers are > things like "NOAM CHOMSKY OR URINATION?" Yikes! The cascade we started in 1991 is still trickling down! I've told this story before, but because Jim Bottomley asked me to dig up the evidence two years ago, I've finally gotten around to finding it so now you can enjoy the same story NOW WITH SOME EVIDENCE. The time was 1991, a day or two before Halloween. I was chatting with Iain "Ax" Sinclair about our favorite topic, the wankerousness of alt.postmodern and how glad we were that we weren't wankers like them. (And then I got my own newsgroup the next month.) We were discussing things we could do to see what reaction we could get out of alt.postmodern and I suggested we just cut to the chase and urinate on the newsgroup. I told him that if he would post "I urinate on your newsgroup," I would follow up with "I urinate on your urination." At least, I think I promised that. From the archives, it looks like I said something lame instead: -> From: James 'Kibo' Parry (kibo@world.std.com) -> Subject: Re: CASCADES -> Organization: Kibo's Home Office (in Boston's Back Bay) -> Newsgroups: alt.postmodern, alt.slack, talk.bizarre -> Followup-To: alt.postmodern, alt.sex.bondage -> Date: 30 Oct 91 23:09:48 GMT -> -> In article (axolotl.688780560@syzygy) axolotl@socs.uts.edu.au writes: -> > -> > I urinate in your newsgroup. -> -> -> -> OH, LIKE THESE OTHER PRE-POSTBOZOTIC PEOPLE AREN'T DOING THAT. -> -> Everyone, raise your hands if you're using your hands! -> -> [big, sickeningly wankerous .signature elided] I don't have Iain's original article archived (why would ANYONE save alt.postmodern articles from 1991?), just that followup. The key point is that (a) Iain Sinclair was the first person to urinate on a newsgroup, (b) I suggested it, but (c) he came up with the title "Cascades" on his own. And, needless to say, that message did, indeed, start what is now referred to as "a cascade". (I think those things where people quote each other quoting each other just to add one clang-associated sentence were around long before, but the term "cascades" I believe was new. God bless Iain.) Two years later, the spirit of this particular cascade lived on, thanks to Iain Sinclair's more evil twin, Andrew Bulhak: -> From: Andrew Bulhak (acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au) -> Subject: Re: CASCADE Mk. II -> Newsgroups: alt.postmodern, alt.sex, alt.flame, talk.politics.guns, -> alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, news.groups, -> alt.cascade, alt.stupidity -> Followup-To: alt.postmodern, alt.sex, alt.flame, talk.politics.guns, -> alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, news.groups, -> alt.cascade, alt.stupidity -> Organization: People in a Position to Know, Inc. -> Date: 11 Dec 1993 14:28:11 GMT -> -> Andrew Hime (hime@ocf.nms.unt.edu) wrote: -> : Kevin Bailey (bailey@cebaf9.cebaf.gov) writes: -> : : In article <2e7bkj$7n@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu>, -> : : Me (su0911@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu) writes: -> : : |>Xref: murdoch alt.postmodern:5682 alt.sex:129203 alt.flame:95862 -> : : |>talk.politics.guns:77784 alt.religion.kibology:9813 news.groups:82295 -> : : |>alt.stupidity:13219 -> : : |>Path: -> : : | -> : : murdoch!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!concert!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!emory!e -> : : europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.umbc.edu!eff!news.kei.com!ub!newserve!bingsun -> : : ns.cc.binghamton.edu!not-for-mail -> : : |>From: Me (su0911@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu) -> : : |>Newsgroups: -> : : | -> : : alt.postmodern,alt.sex,alt.flame,talk.politics.guns,alt.religion.kibolog -> : : gy,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,news.groups,alt.cascade,alt.stupidity -> : : |>Subject: Re: CASCADE Mk. II -> : : |>Date: 9 Dec 1993 09:10:27 -0500 -> : : |>Organization: Binghamton University, Binghamton, NY -> : : |>Lines: 12 -> : : |>Message-ID: <2e7bkj$7n@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu> -> : : |>References: <2e6cui$qjt@harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au> -> : : |>(1993Dec9.135238.17620@dhhalden.no) -> : : |>NNTP-Posting-Host: bingsuns-gw.cc.binghamton.edu -> : : |> -> : : |>In article (1993Dec9.135238.17620@dhhalden.no) steinarb@hedmarkdh.no -> : : |>(steinar bergstol) writes: -> : : |>->Andrew Bulhak (acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au) wrote: -> : : |>-> -> : : |>->> : >: > : >I urinate on your newsgroup. -> : : |>->> : >: > : You like to watch dogs poop. -> : : |>->> : >: > And follow them around with a scoop -> : : |>->> : >: I thought it was a spoon. -> : : |>->> : >Youre a big goon... -> : : |>->> : No, you're the bafoon -> : : |>->> Keep the Pope off the moon -> : : |>->He got there with a balloon -> : : |>which was powered by farting baboons -> : : And driven by a flock of loons -> : Ever seen Dune? -> APPLE ][ PRODOS IS BETTER THAN DUNE !!!!! -> -> -- -> Andrew Bulhak |"A true meatball is on his way out, rolling around -> acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au| and around the drain, as is the fate of all -> Monash Uni, Clayton, | Criminals in this universe. To become ball bearings -> Victoria, Australia | piled up at the bottom of the tone scale." -H.W.S. So, you see, before 1991 there was no P in alt.ostmodern. -- K. P.S. I urinate on the CONCEPT of urinating on a newsgroup. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.postmodern From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reminders of the Future! Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 07:02:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. I urinate on the CONCEPT of urinating on a newsgroup. > > I urinate on your urination. I urinate on your electrified trolley tracks. I urinate on the collected works of Mark Twain. I urinate on Bob Hope's death car. I urinate on Mr. Spock. I urinate on Paddington Bear. I urinate on the red, the green, and yes, even the blue dots on your TV. I urinate on your TV on your TV. I urinate on every item ever served at The Automat. I urinate on the surface of the Sun. I urinate on the entire Universe (U for Urineverse) including all there is, ever was, or shall be, including (BUT NOT LIMITED TO) myself. I urinate on the concept of not urinating. I urinate on the concept of concepts. I urinate on the second half of this sentence, and ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Faux tact. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:36:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > If anyone notices I've been a little more tactful today than most days, > it's not because I grew a brain. Waah! I was misled about that pink cauliflower in your windowbox! > It's because that, during all the tweaking io.com's news has been going > through, somehow trn got the notion that there were 1039483436 new messages > in ark, and then crashed... but not before telling my .newsrc that I had > already read all billion-plus of those messages. > > And that was days ago. It's been fixed for a few days but I thought it > was broken this whole time. > > I hate computers. I'm not going to look for computer jobs anymore. > > I want to work in manual labor. You know, carrying computers around, putting computers in boxes, cleaning the screens of computers, manufacturing electricity that powers computers, bolting computers to hotel desks... -- K. "If you HATE computers, you'll like WebTV!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My days at ARK are limited Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:45:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com > "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > > > Under an Arizona law being introduced, ASU will have to provide > > filtering software that will keep students from downloading > > non-educational or sexual content. And then they'll discover the concept of "sex education" and will run around screaming that their brains hurt. Unless it's illegal to scream in Arizona. This is the basis of Harlan Ellison's new pornographic video game, "I HAVE A MOUTH AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SCREAM!" > > This law has been introduced by Jean McGrath, who also wants to ban gender-specific first names > > co-ed dorms and all other dirty things that make innocent girls like > > me talk openly about their virginity amongst dirty old men. Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > You know, since I have a cable modem and shell access through a private > company, I can continue to talk openly about my virginity throughout the > entire millennium. > > Once the technology is available, I plan to write AI software to post > about my virginity after I am dead, or lose my virginity. But what if you forget to die before you have sex? I mean, what if you accidentally have sex in the year twenty-nine-hundred-something? Or if you die in 2525 but a bug in the computer program makes it have sex in 2998? If that happens, Dead You will be no better than those present-day potentially-dead people in Arizona who aren't allowed to be virgins! > I'll write one for Red too, for when she can no longer post from ASU > about how stupid men are. But, maybe men will decide to stop being stupid around 2733! > Perhaps I'll release a software package called "AngstBot" to > save young frustrated college students much time ranting about their > unfulfilled or unfulfillable needs on Usenet, in chat rooms, on Web > message boards, over ICQ or AIM, and in web journals. By version 2.0 > there will be a version for divorcees, and by version 4.0 the entire > package will be powered by an artificial positronic brain with a plutonium > atom in the center. By version 7.0 it will be able to emulate Maelstrom > and Beable von Polasm. And if the technology exists, it will actually > generate holographic versions of the customer to go to coffee shops, > sulk in the corner, and go home in order to create more genuine > anecdotes. Don't forget the companion BurnoutBot which posts aggrieved messages about how it's going away from the Internet forever because it just lost its virginity and got a cool job. -- K. Or the alternative BurnoutMadScientistBot which stops posting to sci.physics forever once a week. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My days at ARK are limited Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 03:01:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Kevin Buhr (buhr@stat.wisc.edu) wrote: > > "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) writes: > > > > Under an Arizona law being introduced, ASU will have to provide filtering > > software that will keep students from downloading non-educational or sexual > > content. > > Look on the bright side. This law will permit ASU to replace their > existing network infrastructure with a centrally located WebTV and > sign-up sheet. The resulting savings can be passed on to you, the > students. Alternatively, the funds might be used to purchase antique > "text-books" and "lead pen-cils". Or if the budget's low, one year they could order a lead pen and then the next year, some sils. AUGH! I JUST SAID THE WORLD'S MOST OBSCENE NONSENSE WORD AND I HAVE EVEN OFFENDED MYSELF! That why NASA never released the rest of the _Challenger_ cockpit recorder tape, you see. Dick Scobee looked at the instruments and said "Uh oh... SIL!!!" and they didn't want to release that because it would have made the _Challenger_ disaster in very poor taste. > Of course, if this law doesn't also prevent the *faculty and staff* > from downloading non-education or sexual content, you'll need more > than one WebTV. New! From the Kibo System Integration Laboratory (KiboSIL)! PORNDOUBLER! Incorporating exactly the same keyword and Web site database as SurfWatch, NetNanny, and CyberSitter, only it blocks all words and images NOT on that list! Go from THIS! --> Here is a picture of some rocks made of borate ___ica. To THIS! -------> ____ __ _ _______ __ ____ _____ ____ __ ______ sil____ But WAIT! There's more to PornDoubler than just beautifully filthy language and pretty dirty pictures! Whenever someone says a dirty word, it'll flash a large neon sign saying "HE SAID SIL!!!" and a siren will go off to alert everyone that your computer has been rendered safe from anything that is not obscene. And, for an added fifty bucks, we'll throw in this special add-on module that not only blanks out the non-dirty words, it replaces them with appropriately-chosen dirty words! Go from THIS! --> Here is a picture of some rocks made of borate ___ica. To THIS! -------> Urlap slunch inkle puh bazpacho fŸtplex woxwox SIL zoi!!!! MOST OF THESE WORDS ARE SO DIRTY, EVEN JANET RENO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN! With PornDoubler, ordinary dancing mailbox icons and "This Site Not Under Construction Ever Again" signs and "Click One Of These Really Blurry Weirdly-Tinted Flags To Pick Your Home Country" icons will all be replaced with something much more exciting -- TINY NUDES IN FULL DETAIL! (Free magnifying glass not included in every box.) And it won't just free your computer screen from having to look at non-obscene materials, either! Whenever you print stuff on actual paper, the boring parts will turn into actual porn! SCIENTISTS HAVE PROVEN THAT PORN IS NEVER BORING! PornDoubler 1.0.0.69. Act now because this is THE PROGRAM JANET RENO DOESN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE! In fact, THIS IS SOFTWARE THAT NOBODY WANTS YOU TO HAVE! So, GET IT NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! -- K. P.S. So that we may safely spam the entire Internet with ads for PornDoubler, it's programmed not to mangle any message ending with "GET IT NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!", but it will amend the next five messages, which will all say "I AGREE, YOU SHOULD GET IT NOW, SILLLLL!!!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.logic,sci.physics,talk.philosophy.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 27JAN2000 Re: the most beautiful syllogism ever writ Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 09:38:16 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology YAY! After about a month, he's BACK! In sci.logic, sci.physics, and talk.philosophy.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I like to sharpen my theories and thoughts as the years go by. You could save some time by just sharpening your whole head. I mean, it _is_ kind of dull, that way people would stop thinking you're such a blunt pinhead. You'd be the sharpest pinhead in the land. ALL HAIL SHARPIMEDES PINHEADIUM! > I wrote several years ago that the most beautiful logical > syllogism ever written was along these lines. Were the Elementary Ruled or College Ruled? > All things are made up of atoms. > The Universe itself as one entity is a thing. > Hence, it is an Atom. Also, electrons are things. Therefore, electrons are atoms. > This year I am in the process of logically sharpening > that syllogism. And reading from the carping and > negative follow-ups, where one poster snidely and > snipingly remarked that I made an error of > composition. Not really true. Most of the posts that > follow-up my threads are just pure hatred of > Archimedes Plutonium. That's odd, given that most of the followups to your articles come from yourself. > Haters that could never even see or spot a line of truth > of anything that I write. That is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. > They are so full of hatred of me that to them, every > thing that I write is "wrong-in-their-eyes". Smart > people can spot lines-of-truth and develop them further. Okay, we'll keep our eyes peeled in case another ever comes by. > I admit that I do not have my syllogism airtight, > or waterproof, or 100% clean and clear. Oh, come on, it _must_ be waterproof if you were carrying it around in your brain all these years. > That is why I like to come back to my threads as the years > go by and to add unto them. You see, the big trouble I have > in making this syllogism airtight or waterproof is that > I must combine the fact of the Atomic Theory as printed > in the first chapter of Feynman's LECTURES ON PHYSICS > those three red books where Feynman gives his plans for reshaping Chinese politics, stuff you can do with PostScript, and how audio CDs work. WOO! I MADE A JOKE ABOUT THE COLORS OF STUFF NERDS AND COMMUNISTS READ! (That's why Communism collapsed -- they weren't allowed to be nerds because then we'd get confused about which they were. So they never had any computers more powerful than a tractor with an abacus bolted to it.) > version of the Atomic theory by saying on page 1-2 "that all things > are made of atoms-- little particles that move around > in perpetual motion..." Okay, definitely not college ruled if that took two pages. You're writing it on that yellow paper with the blue lines like this, --------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (actual size) --------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------- ...aren't you? Please write your answer in this space: _ Thank you. > You see, I have to combine the ATOMIC THEORY that all things > are made up of atoms with the Universe itself. But the tricky > passage of logic is the fact that the Universe is one entity and > it is all-inclusive. Things the Universe doesn't include: * Bacon-flavored Pez * William Shatner's flowing blond hair * Concerts performed entirely with dentist drills * The episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV" that won a Pulitzer Prize Besides, even if it DID include EVERYTHING, that would require it to include several million flashing neon billboards that had brilliant proofs why your theory was wrong. Also it would contain a machine that would turn you into a hot dog if you ever thought of a word that contained an "e". So you should be very glad you don't live in that Universe because if you ever proved your theory were true, it would ruin your theory forever and turn you into a hot dog. (In THIS Universe, it's highly unlikely you'll ever turn into a hot dog, as the hot dog manufacturers' standards are too high.) > Unlike the ditties of a) A human is made up of atoms > b) thus a human is an atom. Those ditties are crap > because a human is not an all-inclusive entity that is > a Universe. That's right, humans contain at least two atoms each. But the Universe contains humans. Humans like Y-O-U!! Thus, the Universe contains lots of atoms, not just one, and it's all because of Y-O-U!! > So, where my many detractors and enemies gush forth > with their pathetic ditties trying to make me look > wrong or bad. Well, obviously they do not possess > enough brainpower to realize that the entity of the > Universe stands in a special logical relationship > with the Syllogism I am proffering and because of > the all-inclusiveness of the Universe, I can come > out successfully with a conclusion that the Universe > as an entity must be "a single atom" > > So let me add onto my "worlds most beautiful > syllogism" thread. > > 1 Everything is either the Vacuum or is Matter. > 2 All Matter is one or more of the 114 known chemical > elements But, Arch, long ago you named about a hundred more. Are you admitting you cheated and named them WITHOUT actually synthesizing them in your cyclotron in your trailer home? I am SHOCKED and DISMAYED and I am withdrawing my letter to the Nobel Prize Committee recommending that they give you a Special Prize! And I thought you had discovered all those elements just because you told us all about them. You went to the trouble of making up wacky names for them and everything. -> Element 181 , petrzhakflerovium, Pf. Element 182 , -> crickwilkinswatsonium, Cw. Element 183 , doublehelixium, Hx. Element -> 184 , bellaspectklitzingium, Bx. Element 185 , -> superpositionprincipleum, Sp. Element 186 , pauliprinzipium, Pp. -> Element 187 , komplementarprinzipium, Kp. Element 188 , -> unexaktheitprinzipium, Ue. -> Element 189 , biotechnologyfusionum, Bf. This element exists in the -> totality. Life was materialized by the Plutonium Atom Totality so that -> in the distant future some form of life would nucleosynthesize element -> 190. -> Element 19¯ , plutoniumium, Up. This element exists nowhere in our -> observable electron universe nor in the atom totality. Life was -> materialized by the Plutonium Atom Totality so that in the distant -> future some form of life would nucleosynthesize element 190. Then when -> some advanced life form nucleosynthesizes element 19¯ which -> spontaneously fissions, then our Plutonium Atom Totality will have -> transformed into the successor atom totality of an Americium Atom -> Totality. Whatever life form actually completes the nucleosynthesis of -> element 19¯, they will be "The Chosen Ones". -- Ludwig Plutonium, sci.physics article titled "ELEMENTS 109 THROUGH 190", October 1993 > 3 the Universe itself is an entity and as such is > either a Vacuum or is Matter. So, you're saying that if I have a vacuum, I have a whole Universe? Cool! There are tiny people living in my Electrolux! > 4 From observation the Universe is not a Vacuum, hence > it must be Matter. > 5 Since the Universe in its entirety is Matter, it > must be one of the 114 chemical elements One of the ones that's invisible so that you don't have any trouble seeing the distant galaxies through the solid block of matter. > And, in past years I searched through the Atomic > theory of Democritus and found a book printed circa > 1950s? where the author said that Democritus may have > believed that the universe itself was just one big > atom! Wow, what a bozo! > Of course, Democritus never knew the 94 chemical > elements and could never have guessed which one of > these 94 chemical elements best fit all the special > numbers of both physics and mathematics. And the only > modern day thinker that even comes close to the Atom > Totality theory of Archimedes Plutonium is Carl Sagan > of Cornell Univ in his book COSMOS. His idea is a > nested atomic universe. But Dr. Sagan never conceived > of the Atom Totality theory for if he had, he would have forgotten it when his high wore off. Stop harshing Carl's buzz, man! Don't be such a Captain Bringdown! > have figured out or computed what chemical element it > actually was. But the trouble I am having with the > syllogism stems back with Sagan's nested universe. I > need to incorporate "nested" into my syllogism. Oh, > well, some more thrilling work for me in the future > years for this thread, ie, to incorporate nested atoms > into the logical syllogism. > > However, I feel that since the universe as an entity > is "everything" and since it is all inclusive that it > incorporates "nested" into the body-logic and thus I > do not need to incorporate "nested". But perhaps I do, > if for no reason than to make the many carpers and > fool-attackers of this thread blush in shame. But the > fact that their attacks are archived in perpetuity > makes me chuckle. Imagine all the fools during > Galileo's life who carped at him for his "moving > Earth". Most of Galileo's carpers were not archived in > perpetuity. But most of Archimedes Plutonium carpers > will be saved for many future merriment laughs. Until all recorded history is degaussed by a stray solar flare. > Now, to address the person who carped that I was > making a logical fallacy error of composition, and > as his example of a human-- something on these lines > > All things are made up of atoms > A human is a thing > Hence a human is one big atom > > Try running the "human syllogism" along these lines > to rectify the mind I don't know who The Human Syllogism is, but you're not him. > All things are made up of atoms > Yes, a human is a thing > But a human is not a single thing > Rather, a human is a composition of matter, an > association of many atoms > So, one cannot conclude that a human is > a single atom, unlike the conclusion that the > universe is a single atom > But, one can conclude that the Universe > is a single atom from the fact that it is > either a vacuum or matter. > The Universe is special in this logical > syllogism because it is all inclusive > whereas a human is not all inclusive and > a human is an association of atoms > > ----- Is that a syllogism or a haiku? I never can remember because syllogisms and haikus always contain sixteen lines. > Also, if anyone knows the fastest way to get to the > sci newsgroups to post out from Netscape or Microsoft Explorer > (I now own my own iMac and ISP account) Did you make sure to ask them if their ISP was compaible with your color of iMac? Not all of them can handle Barbie pink. By the way, why did you never think of this during those many years that you were complaining that you hated the way the computers were set up at the Dartmouth library? You remember, you claimed you only took a job at Dartmouth so you could use their computers. Which you began doing a few years after you got the job. > please inform me at plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com. Thank you very much. > As you can see, I am still relying on my Onramp, and it is > such a shame that even though I own my own computer and have > a years subscription, that I cannot find sci.logic or sci.chem > anywhere. Oh, come on, you've drawn a map of the whole Universe, which is JUST AN ATOM, so surely you should be able to find two newsgroups in that atom. It's not like the Universe is as complicated as a molecule or anything! > That says something very alarming and depressing as > to the historical development of the computer. That by January > of 2000 if a person buys a new computer and has a subscription > that it is almost impossible for that person to post to sci.chem > or sci.physics without going through a gigantic gauntlet of > technicians and phonecalls just to post a article to sci.physics. > fusion. I spent 4 hours tonight just trying to find sci. newsgroup > hierarchy to post to and finally gave up. Back in New > Hampshire when I lived in Hanover, we had Internews 2.0.2 that > easily got me to the newsgroups. Is someone, is the government, > or someone making it more difficult or impossible to get to the > newsgroups???? Some definitely is making it difficult for you to use the Internet. I think he wears a homemade cape and a shirt with atoms drawn on it in magic marker. -- K. I'm still shocked and