Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV is lying to us about yet another fact. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 06:09:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Eric Jones (xeno@clark.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > T > > O > > M > > A > > T > > O > > Hey, that word is symmetric. AND HERE COME THE SYMMETRICAL DANCING BEARS, HOPPING OVER THE SYMMETRIC HORIZON AND RIDING THEIR SYMMETRICAL UNICYCLES THROUGH THE SYMMETRICAL REVOLVING DOOR INTO OUR SYMMETRICAL HOUSE OF TOMORROW! THE BEARS ARE SYMMETRICAL ALONG *ALL* AXES, JUST LIKE TRIBBLES, ONLY THEY CAN RIDE UNICYCLES! AND THEY'RE SPARKLING AND GLOWING AND DANCING WHILE RIDING THE UNICYCLES! AND THEY ARE ALL CARRYING A PERFECTLY SYMMETRIC BANNER, SUSPENDED FROM ITS MIDDLE, READING "WE ARE THE SYMMETRIC BEARS OF 'AND WE JUST THOUGHT KIBO LIKED TO TYPE THE WORD "TOMATO" VERTICALLY IN THE MIDDLE OF ARTICLES ABOUT ASYMMETRIC LETTERS FOR NO REASON AT ALL'!" AND THE THREE NESTED SETS OF QUOTE MARKS ON THE BANNER ARE ALSO SYMMETRIC AND THEY'RE RIDING DANCING UNICYCLES, AND THE DANCING UNICYCLES ARE RIDING ON A FLYING WATERBED MADE OF COMPLETELY SYMMETRICAL GOLF BALLS THAT HAVE ONLY ONE DIMPLE THAT COVERS THEM COMPLETELY! IT IS THE MOST AWESOME SITE IMAGINABLE, SO AWESOME THAT IT CANNOT BE DESCRIBED IN LOWERCASE LETTERS! -- K. AND THEN KIRK KISSED PICARD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FAQ Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 07:24:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I do note that Charles Nelson Reilly played King Llort in "A Troll in > Central Park." Where was that performed? > I am not making this up. To which of those two sentences does that "this" refer? > Kibo will now say "WEE-WEE." (Kibo puts on his snow pants and "Dr. Who" scarf and hat with ear flaps, then trudges through miles of snow to arrive at a massive snowdrift outside Ted Frank's window. He pulls down his pants and wee-wees "SAY" in the snow.) -- K. I hear that they're putting a chemical in snow now that turns the whole yard green whenever someone does that. And also they electrify it to kill homeless people. And candiru live in it. And there was this guy who was writing in snow and his winky got cold so he warmed it up in the microwave oven. I know this is true because I paid $250 to Mrs. Fields for her Bright Red Animal 57 Cookie recipe and written on the back was "SEND THIS GUY THE BEDBUG LETTER" and when they were sending out the day's letters they mixed the ten of them up and only nine of them were in the right envelopes and instead of getting the bedbug letter I learned something useful. So, don't pee in snow any more! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FAQ Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 11:07:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "robert lindsay" (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > > > I do note that Charles Nelson Reilly played King Llort in "A Troll in > > Central Park." > > In other 'how the mighty have fallen' news, Wait... Charles Nelson Reilly was once "mighty"? ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE FLORIDLY EFFEMINATE MIGHT OF KING CHARLES THE "WEE-WEE" SAYER! > The guy who played 'Q' on NexGen shows up as one of the dumb villians > on a Disney Channel movie about a guy who is pschically linked to a dog. > The villians shoot each other in the butt with dart guns. I want to make a movie where people hunt each other with lawn darts. Remember Jarts? As far as Mr. Q goes -- not Desmond Llewellyn (who is not to be confused with Desmond Llewellyn) but the even sillier guy -- you mean John DeLancie (not to be confused with the actor named John DeChancie). I was recently asked if I had a message to convey to Mr. DeLancie, who was signing autographs at a computer convention I wasn't going to. (Yes, there are some of those.) I immediately thought of Mr. DeLancie's bit part as the Army lieutenant in both parts of the "Six Million Dollar Man" episode about the evil Russian Venus Probe which looks like a VW Beetle with a crane arm holding a Death Ray Lazzer pistol on top of it, and will explode if Steve Austin (the only astronaut to make a solo trip to the Moon) lifts it ten feet off the ground with a helicopter because it's "pressurized for Venus". So I said to the guy who might be meeting John DeLancie, "Tell him I liked him on 'The Six Million Dollar Man' and ask him if he's done anything since." > This may be worse than Henry Winkler's return as Disney villian, where > he gets sprayed by mustard being blown by a fan. Oh, the mustard was being blown by a _fan_. I thought it was just that these days, instead of entering to a faux standing ovation like on "Happy Days", Henry Winkler just sucked up all the mustard in the room. > > Kibo will now say "WEE-WEE." > > Tinkle. I still find that show weird and yet it explains to me why many people like Jay Leno's and David Letterman's monologues, etc. It's because some (by no means all) of us who watch those shows are operating with the same degree of humor-cluefulness as "Match Game" contestants. They honestly can't see punchlines parachuting in for a landing no matter how obviously, because if people could everyone would have won a billion dollars on every episode of "Match Game". The whole point of "Match Game" was that Gene Rayburn would say: "Bald Ernie was so dumb that he thought if he dipped his head in the toilet, he'd grow BLANK!" And then the contestants have a minute or so to write down "HAIR" or "WEE-WEE", according to whether it's one of the filthy filthy questions or one of the rare non-wee-wee questions, and then Gene Rayburn would ask the contestant to fill in the BLANK, and she'd need it explained to her, and then she'd say "...he thought that if he dipped his head in the toilet, he'd grow TOMATOES IN HIS WINDOWBOX!" And then either the six celebrities would either make fun of her terrible answer or make fun of Brett Somers's terrible answer depending on whether or not they had an unusually bright contestant. A way to make "Match Game" actually interesting would be to cross-pollinate it with "Jeopardy" and just give the punchlines and then make people come up with the straight line. But Craig Kilborn already does that on what used to be Tom Snyder's show, and Obnoxio The Clown used to do it in Marvel's "Crazy" magazine (only he allowed you to make up your own filthy filthy straight line) and "Dear Meg" does it brilliantly every week in _The Weekly World News_. CONFIDENTIAL TO DISGUSTED IN CINCINNATI: SO JUST EAT AROUND HER! -- K. I still say we need a game show with a panel of ex-Presidents competing against a panel of game show hosts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.urban From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Resp: Human Nature Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 07:54:59 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com [re an alt.religion.kibology discussion about all the scientists in the world agreeing that bumblebees can't fly, an anecdote used on "Doctor Who" numerous times to distract you from asking why the Daleks can recognize the Doctor every time they meet him even though he's played by a different actor, and why everyone on the show can speak Ancient Greek, and why sometimes you can meet yourself by travelling through time but not other times, and why it's okay that only half the Universe gets destroyed every week] > Chris Franks (chris_franks@agilent.com) wrote: > > > What nonsense is that? Some stupid newspaper printed the first half > > of a statement by an aeronautical engineer, who said that bumblebees > > could not fly UNLESS THEY MOVE THEIR WINGS. I say bumblebees cannot move their wings! When they are born, their wings immediately fuse to a fixed location in space, and the bees have to detach their wings if they want to fly around! Also, their wings are truly fixed with no location to any particular inertial frame of reference! Einstein proved it in that book he wrote! > > In other words, they are not good gliders. Do you mean porch gliders, or the little plastic things that go under the feet of your armoire? I ask this just as that I can use the word "armoire" in a sentence and point out to Etienne Rouette that I once saw an ad for cheap video movies that said that they came in "amoray" boxes. I've always figured they dictated the ad to someone over the phone. I assume it wasn't a long-distance call because they both had to be in Bozoland. (In the videotape world, an armoire box is any piece of cardboard with a flap on it so you can play "peek-a-boo!" with the box art over and over to entertain yourself while you're suffering through the bad Herschel Gordon Lewis movie.) > > An urban legend sprang up and is used by non-technical people to > > disparage aeronautical engineers YEAH, BEES SHOULD NOT TRY TO BE AERONAUTICAL ENGINEERS! COME BACK WHEN YOU LEARN HOW TO BUZZ WITHOUT MOVING YOUR WINGS, BEE„OR WENCES! > > when once again, it is the popular media that got it twisted. The anti-bee bias strikes again! This is why we must cancel PBS's funding. That and "Sesame Street". I mean, we've got "Teletubbies" now, and it's so perky that we don't need Muppets any more. Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Yes, but when urban legends get sufficiently explained in the > alt.folklore.urban FAQ, they pupate, undergo a mysterious and > beautiful metamorphosis, and eventually emerge as running gags > on alt.religion.kibology. I hear that Bert is gay but Ernie isn't, he just got AIDS from sharing a dishwasher with Bert, and the reason they put Ernie on the show is that the government that runs PBS wanted to get people used to what mutants would look like after a nuclear war. -- K. Also in the background of the cartoon where Peter Max's pinball machine counts to 12, you can see a man being executed. He was Jim Henson and his body is buried in the unused space of Caroll Spinney's Big Bird suit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I met Nick Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:04:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > If we're going to talk about launches we definitely need to mention that a > space shuttle is slated to go up next Monday (1/31) if the weather > cooperates. I'm pretty sure that the primary goal of this mission is to > irradiate nearly every man, woman, and child on earth with DEADLY > RADIATION!!! Some might even call it an effor to map the entire earth > into a single database, but those people are FUKKEN NAIVE!!! I thought they were just going to bounce microwaves off the Earth to cook all the frozen White Castle burgers in the world so that they'd save me some time once I steal all the White Castle burgers in the world with my NASA-designed magnet that only attracts White Castle burgers. > So if you live anywhere between 57 degrees north or south latitude > I recommend that you wear tinfoil headware every time you venture out > of your lead lined bunker during the course of the mission. Oh, lead-LINED. I thought they said lead-FILLED. Anyone got a shovel that can dig a hole into lead? I hope they've discovered a metal harder than lead so they can make a shovel out of it. > Additionally, any guys who would like the begotting of heirs to > be a part of their future should take the extra precaution of > lining their underwear with tinfoil. How can I do that, if they might not be born for a few years? Do I have to line their diapers with foil or can I wait until they're wearing Big Kid underwear just like Daddy wears only with more pictures of Batman on it? > If it seems like a hassle to wear tinfoil for a couple of weeks It's more of a hassle to STOP wearing it. It becomes fun after a while. > you could look up the ground track and determine at which point in > the mission you're most likely to be at risk, How many weeks does it take the Space Shuttle to orbit the Earth? Is it longer than John Glenn took when he was the first man to go into space, not counting that Russian woman that nobody knows about because she died opening the window to make a "left turn" signal with her hand? > but isn't it better to be safe than sorry? And more importantly, > how are you to know THAT THEY AREN'T LYING TO YOU?!?!? Because I trust NASA. -- K. After all, they went to the Moon just to prove it was possible to cure the common cold. Also they used that big rocket because bees can't fly. The original plan was to just fill Buzz Aldrin's spacesuit with bees and let him float up to the Moon, which is where bees go when it rains. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New reason to slap soeone. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:26:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Recently, the ultra-sekrit Transmeta unleashed their ultra-sekrit Crusoe > processor, which promises to revolutionize the mobile computing industry. > This is the concept that will reduce form factors like crazy. Hey, Nick, there's this super-cool new piece of techno-jargon they've just invented to replace "form factors"! It's called "size"! FORM FACTOR FOOTPRINT ALL THIS --> HAS BEEN REDUCED TO THIS --> SIZE PHYSICAL CONSTRAINTS CASE CLEARANCE This new term will form a common bridge of communication between the Windows, Mac, Linux, and Amiga die-hards and will render all discussion of computer stuff clear and lucid and as easy as a _TV Guide_ crossword. Unless one of the Mac people says their computer has "applications" and the other people ask, "You mean you have to fill out a stack of forms to be allowed to use a Mac now?" And then someone will say "golden master" and some of us will think about Gert Frobe spanking Honor Blackman. > A lot of intelligent journalists asked a lot of intelligent questions > about this software-driven microprocessor: since it essentially emulates > an x86 processor, will it someday emulate a 68000 or PowerPC? Since there > is now software in the chip, can that software crash? Oh, no, the new chip will NEVER crash. Unless, of course, they ever manufacture it. > Will hackers be able to get into the processor and mess with the code > morphing software? Programmable DSPs (digital signal processors, i.e. things that turn movies on DVDs into movies on screens) have existed for a while. (TI keeps running TV commercials about how cool their programmable DSP is, and I keep saying to myself, "Wow! TI has realized there is a big market for impulse purchases of programmable DSPs in boxes of a million!") Currently one of the silly-yet-cool hacker tricks is to use the programmable DSP (or "field-programmable gate array" to use the even clearer alterate terminology) on an MPEG movie-player card to crack other people's passwords relatively fast. Instead of waiting for your computer's central processor to test a zillion potential passwords in alphabetical order, you farm the task out to the matrix of individually-twiddlable teeny circuits on the MPEG card and let them all go at it at the same time. > I would have asked whether chips like these could be used for purposes > other than a CPU; for example, for 3d rendering chips, I/O controllers, > or MPEG decoders? Too bad you didn't or I would have talked about them for a while. I'm glad you didn't because now I won't bore everyone. The drawback is that I won't be able to coin the word "individually-twiddlable". > Could there be one chip that could be programmed to do all three of > these things on demand? Think someone could make a chip that fits > on an ISA or PCI or PCMCIA card and acts as a multiple-peripheral > sort of thing, so that it can be either a HardSID card, > or a video capture card, maybe one that'll descramble Cinemax for me? And then I'll sneak a virus into it so that whenever you look at pornography, it changes the pictures to look like a naked Harold Sakata. > But, I see a huge annoyance that will be associated with the Crusoe > processor. > > Between the Gilligan's Island theme song and the existence of David > Caruso, a lot of people will be mispronouncing this processor's name. > > I will be forced to show up at work with a big rubber chicken just to > smack people across the face and say "CRU-SOE! CRU-SOE! TWO SYLLABLES! > SAY IT! SAY IT!!!!" What's wrong with saying it the way I do, in one syllable? You know, like "www". > And then one of these days I'll slip and say it wrong and people > will grab my rubber chicken and take turns smacking me with it. I'm still alternating between the normal pronounciation of Linux and the correct one, just to make sure I annoy everyone. Also, somewhere I still have the Atari 800 manual that told me to pronounce "DOS" the same as the Spanish number "2". > I remember when chips were named after meaningless numbers. What happened > to those days? People made up meanings for all the numbers. That's why there's that joke about the guys in prison listening to the prisoner telling the joke, "15, 54, 4-0-7-3, 9108, 2, 11-16... SEVENTY-ONE POINT FIVE!" and nobody laughs because he didn't tell it right. (The joke ABOUT that is a lot less funny than the joke IN that.) So, because numbers are now meaningful, please check your Social Security card for obscene numbers. -- K. Also, I apologize for mentioning Gert Frobe, Honor Blackman, and Harold Sakata but not that gal who died when they were making the movie because to keep from showing her nude they only painted most of her gold and she suffocated because her bikini was covering the base of her spine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reminders of the Future! Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:29:09 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > This came from the book _Mozart_ by Maynard Solomon. Remind me, > constantly if you have to, that writing anything this pretentious is an > automatic "Go to hell, go straight to hell, do not pass Hollywood" card. > (This isn't a half bad book, but sometimes you just have to scream or > taunt or vomit when something like this is written.) > > "If the serenade style's dominant procedure is that of constant > metamorphosis, its central organizing image is the image of plenitude, > springing from an overflowing abundance of unsullied idealism as yet > untouched by any hints of morbidity, cynicism, or disillusionment." Oh my god... ...for the first time someone wrote a book just like people really talk... ...IN ALT.POSTMODERN! -- K. OOH WHAT A BURRRRRN! Score one for the pre-postmodern era! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.postmodern From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reminders of the Future! Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 05:08:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Ben Wolfson (rumjuggler@home.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > This came from the book _Mozart_ by Maynard Solomon. > > > > > > "If the serenade style's dominant procedure is that of constant > > > metamorphosis, its central organizing image is the image of plenitude, > > > springing from an overflowing abundance of unsullied idealism as yet > > > untouched by any hints of morbidity, cynicism, or disillusionment." > > > > ...for the first time someone wrote a book just like people really talk... > > > > ...IN ALT.POSTMODERN! > > Have you been in alt.postmodern recently? Most of the subject headers are > things like "NOAM CHOMSKY OR URINATION?" Yikes! The cascade we started in 1991 is still trickling down! I've told this story before, but because Jim Bottomley asked me to dig up the evidence two years ago, I've finally gotten around to finding it so now you can enjoy the same story NOW WITH SOME EVIDENCE. The time was 1991, a day or two before Halloween. I was chatting with Iain "Ax" Sinclair about our favorite topic, the wankerousness of alt.postmodern and how glad we were that we weren't wankers like them. (And then I got my own newsgroup the next month.) We were discussing things we could do to see what reaction we could get out of alt.postmodern and I suggested we just cut to the chase and urinate on the newsgroup. I told him that if he would post "I urinate on your newsgroup," I would follow up with "I urinate on your urination." At least, I think I promised that. From the archives, it looks like I said something lame instead: -> From: James 'Kibo' Parry (kibo@world.std.com) -> Subject: Re: CASCADES -> Organization: Kibo's Home Office (in Boston's Back Bay) -> Newsgroups: alt.postmodern, alt.slack, talk.bizarre -> Followup-To: alt.postmodern, alt.sex.bondage -> Date: 30 Oct 91 23:09:48 GMT -> -> In article (axolotl.688780560@syzygy) axolotl@socs.uts.edu.au writes: -> > -> > I urinate in your newsgroup. -> -> -> -> OH, LIKE THESE OTHER PRE-POSTBOZOTIC PEOPLE AREN'T DOING THAT. -> -> Everyone, raise your hands if you're using your hands! -> -> [big, sickeningly wankerous .signature elided] I don't have Iain's original article archived (why would ANYONE save alt.postmodern articles from 1991?), just that followup. The key point is that (a) Iain Sinclair was the first person to urinate on a newsgroup, (b) I suggested it, but (c) he came up with the title "Cascades" on his own. And, needless to say, that message did, indeed, start what is now referred to as "a cascade". (I think those things where people quote each other quoting each other just to add one clang-associated sentence were around long before, but the term "cascades" I believe was new. God bless Iain.) Two years later, the spirit of this particular cascade lived on, thanks to Iain Sinclair's more evil twin, Andrew Bulhak: -> From: Andrew Bulhak (acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au) -> Subject: Re: CASCADE Mk. II -> Newsgroups: alt.postmodern, alt.sex, alt.flame, talk.politics.guns, -> alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, news.groups, -> alt.cascade, alt.stupidity -> Followup-To: alt.postmodern, alt.sex, alt.flame, talk.politics.guns, -> alt.religion.kibology, alt.sci.physics.plutonium, news.groups, -> alt.cascade, alt.stupidity -> Organization: People in a Position to Know, Inc. -> Date: 11 Dec 1993 14:28:11 GMT -> -> Andrew Hime (hime@ocf.nms.unt.edu) wrote: -> : Kevin Bailey (bailey@cebaf9.cebaf.gov) writes: -> : : In article <2e7bkj$7n@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu>, -> : : Me (su0911@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu) writes: -> : : |>Xref: murdoch alt.postmodern:5682 alt.sex:129203 alt.flame:95862 -> : : |>talk.politics.guns:77784 alt.religion.kibology:9813 news.groups:82295 -> : : |>alt.stupidity:13219 -> : : |>Path: -> : : | -> : : murdoch!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!concert!news-feed-1.peachnet.edu!emory!e -> : : europa.eng.gtefsd.com!news.umbc.edu!eff!news.kei.com!ub!newserve!bingsun -> : : ns.cc.binghamton.edu!not-for-mail -> : : |>From: Me (su0911@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu) -> : : |>Newsgroups: -> : : | -> : : alt.postmodern,alt.sex,alt.flame,talk.politics.guns,alt.religion.kibolog -> : : gy,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,news.groups,alt.cascade,alt.stupidity -> : : |>Subject: Re: CASCADE Mk. II -> : : |>Date: 9 Dec 1993 09:10:27 -0500 -> : : |>Organization: Binghamton University, Binghamton, NY -> : : |>Lines: 12 -> : : |>Message-ID: <2e7bkj$7n@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu> -> : : |>References: <2e6cui$qjt@harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au> -> : : |>(1993Dec9.135238.17620@dhhalden.no) -> : : |>NNTP-Posting-Host: bingsuns-gw.cc.binghamton.edu -> : : |> -> : : |>In article (1993Dec9.135238.17620@dhhalden.no) steinarb@hedmarkdh.no -> : : |>(steinar bergstol) writes: -> : : |>->Andrew Bulhak (acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au) wrote: -> : : |>-> -> : : |>->> : >: > : >I urinate on your newsgroup. -> : : |>->> : >: > : You like to watch dogs poop. -> : : |>->> : >: > And follow them around with a scoop -> : : |>->> : >: I thought it was a spoon. -> : : |>->> : >Youre a big goon... -> : : |>->> : No, you're the bafoon -> : : |>->> Keep the Pope off the moon -> : : |>->He got there with a balloon -> : : |>which was powered by farting baboons -> : : And driven by a flock of loons -> : Ever seen Dune? -> APPLE ][ PRODOS IS BETTER THAN DUNE !!!!! -> -> -- -> Andrew Bulhak |"A true meatball is on his way out, rolling around -> acb@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au| and around the drain, as is the fate of all -> Monash Uni, Clayton, | Criminals in this universe. To become ball bearings -> Victoria, Australia | piled up at the bottom of the tone scale." -H.W.S. So, you see, before 1991 there was no P in alt.ostmodern. -- K. P.S. I urinate on the CONCEPT of urinating on a newsgroup. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.postmodern From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reminders of the Future! Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 07:02:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. I urinate on the CONCEPT of urinating on a newsgroup. > > I urinate on your urination. I urinate on your electrified trolley tracks. I urinate on the collected works of Mark Twain. I urinate on Bob Hope's death car. I urinate on Mr. Spock. I urinate on Paddington Bear. I urinate on the red, the green, and yes, even the blue dots on your TV. I urinate on your TV on your TV. I urinate on every item ever served at The Automat. I urinate on the surface of the Sun. I urinate on the entire Universe (U for Urineverse) including all there is, ever was, or shall be, including (BUT NOT LIMITED TO) myself. I urinate on the concept of not urinating. I urinate on the concept of concepts. I urinate on the second half of this sentence, and ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Faux tact. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:36:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > If anyone notices I've been a little more tactful today than most days, > it's not because I grew a brain. Waah! I was misled about that pink cauliflower in your windowbox! > It's because that, during all the tweaking io.com's news has been going > through, somehow trn got the notion that there were 1039483436 new messages > in ark, and then crashed... but not before telling my .newsrc that I had > already read all billion-plus of those messages. > > And that was days ago. It's been fixed for a few days but I thought it > was broken this whole time. > > I hate computers. I'm not going to look for computer jobs anymore. > > I want to work in manual labor. You know, carrying computers around, putting computers in boxes, cleaning the screens of computers, manufacturing electricity that powers computers, bolting computers to hotel desks... -- K. "If you HATE computers, you'll like WebTV!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My days at ARK are limited Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 08:45:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com > "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > > > Under an Arizona law being introduced, ASU will have to provide > > filtering software that will keep students from downloading > > non-educational or sexual content. And then they'll discover the concept of "sex education" and will run around screaming that their brains hurt. Unless it's illegal to scream in Arizona. This is the basis of Harlan Ellison's new pornographic video game, "I HAVE A MOUTH AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO SCREAM!" > > This law has been introduced by Jean McGrath, who also wants to ban gender-specific first names > > co-ed dorms and all other dirty things that make innocent girls like > > me talk openly about their virginity amongst dirty old men. Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > You know, since I have a cable modem and shell access through a private > company, I can continue to talk openly about my virginity throughout the > entire millennium. > > Once the technology is available, I plan to write AI software to post > about my virginity after I am dead, or lose my virginity. But what if you forget to die before you have sex? I mean, what if you accidentally have sex in the year twenty-nine-hundred-something? Or if you die in 2525 but a bug in the computer program makes it have sex in 2998? If that happens, Dead You will be no better than those present-day potentially-dead people in Arizona who aren't allowed to be virgins! > I'll write one for Red too, for when she can no longer post from ASU > about how stupid men are. But, maybe men will decide to stop being stupid around 2733! > Perhaps I'll release a software package called "AngstBot" to > save young frustrated college students much time ranting about their > unfulfilled or unfulfillable needs on Usenet, in chat rooms, on Web > message boards, over ICQ or AIM, and in web journals. By version 2.0 > there will be a version for divorcees, and by version 4.0 the entire > package will be powered by an artificial positronic brain with a plutonium > atom in the center. By version 7.0 it will be able to emulate Maelstrom > and Beable von Polasm. And if the technology exists, it will actually > generate holographic versions of the customer to go to coffee shops, > sulk in the corner, and go home in order to create more genuine > anecdotes. Don't forget the companion BurnoutBot which posts aggrieved messages about how it's going away from the Internet forever because it just lost its virginity and got a cool job. -- K. Or the alternative BurnoutMadScientistBot which stops posting to sci.physics forever once a week. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My days at ARK are limited Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 03:01:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Kevin Buhr (buhr@stat.wisc.edu) wrote: > > "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) writes: > > > > Under an Arizona law being introduced, ASU will have to provide filtering > > software that will keep students from downloading non-educational or sexual > > content. > > Look on the bright side. This law will permit ASU to replace their > existing network infrastructure with a centrally located WebTV and > sign-up sheet. The resulting savings can be passed on to you, the > students. Alternatively, the funds might be used to purchase antique > "text-books" and "lead pen-cils". Or if the budget's low, one year they could order a lead pen and then the next year, some sils. AUGH! I JUST SAID THE WORLD'S MOST OBSCENE NONSENSE WORD AND I HAVE EVEN OFFENDED MYSELF! That why NASA never released the rest of the _Challenger_ cockpit recorder tape, you see. Dick Scobee looked at the instruments and said "Uh oh... SIL!!!" and they didn't want to release that because it would have made the _Challenger_ disaster in very poor taste. > Of course, if this law doesn't also prevent the *faculty and staff* > from downloading non-education or sexual content, you'll need more > than one WebTV. New! From the Kibo System Integration Laboratory (KiboSIL)! PORNDOUBLER! Incorporating exactly the same keyword and Web site database as SurfWatch, NetNanny, and CyberSitter, only it blocks all words and images NOT on that list! Go from THIS! --> Here is a picture of some rocks made of borate ___ica. To THIS! -------> ____ __ _ _______ __ ____ _____ ____ __ ______ sil____ But WAIT! There's more to PornDoubler than just beautifully filthy language and pretty dirty pictures! Whenever someone says a dirty word, it'll flash a large neon sign saying "HE SAID SIL!!!" and a siren will go off to alert everyone that your computer has been rendered safe from anything that is not obscene. And, for an added fifty bucks, we'll throw in this special add-on module that not only blanks out the non-dirty words, it replaces them with appropriately-chosen dirty words! Go from THIS! --> Here is a picture of some rocks made of borate ___ica. To THIS! -------> Urlap slunch inkle puh bazpacho fŸtplex woxwox SIL zoi!!!! MOST OF THESE WORDS ARE SO DIRTY, EVEN JANET RENO DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN! With PornDoubler, ordinary dancing mailbox icons and "This Site Not Under Construction Ever Again" signs and "Click One Of These Really Blurry Weirdly-Tinted Flags To Pick Your Home Country" icons will all be replaced with something much more exciting -- TINY NUDES IN FULL DETAIL! (Free magnifying glass not included in every box.) And it won't just free your computer screen from having to look at non-obscene materials, either! Whenever you print stuff on actual paper, the boring parts will turn into actual porn! SCIENTISTS HAVE PROVEN THAT PORN IS NEVER BORING! PornDoubler 1.0.0.69. Act now because this is THE PROGRAM JANET RENO DOESN'T WANT YOU TO HAVE! In fact, THIS IS SOFTWARE THAT NOBODY WANTS YOU TO HAVE! So, GET IT NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! -- K. P.S. So that we may safely spam the entire Internet with ads for PornDoubler, it's programmed not to mangle any message ending with "GET IT NOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!", but it will amend the next five messages, which will all say "I AGREE, YOU SHOULD GET IT NOW, SILLLLL!!!!!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.logic,sci.physics,talk.philosophy.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 27JAN2000 Re: the most beautiful syllogism ever writ Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 09:38:16 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology YAY! After about a month, he's BACK! In sci.logic, sci.physics, and talk.philosophy.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I like to sharpen my theories and thoughts as the years go by. You could save some time by just sharpening your whole head. I mean, it _is_ kind of dull, that way people would stop thinking you're such a blunt pinhead. You'd be the sharpest pinhead in the land. ALL HAIL SHARPIMEDES PINHEADIUM! > I wrote several years ago that the most beautiful logical > syllogism ever written was along these lines. Were the Elementary Ruled or College Ruled? > All things are made up of atoms. > The Universe itself as one entity is a thing. > Hence, it is an Atom. Also, electrons are things. Therefore, electrons are atoms. > This year I am in the process of logically sharpening > that syllogism. And reading from the carping and > negative follow-ups, where one poster snidely and > snipingly remarked that I made an error of > composition. Not really true. Most of the posts that > follow-up my threads are just pure hatred of > Archimedes Plutonium. That's odd, given that most of the followups to your articles come from yourself. > Haters that could never even see or spot a line of truth > of anything that I write. That is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. > They are so full of hatred of me that to them, every > thing that I write is "wrong-in-their-eyes". Smart > people can spot lines-of-truth and develop them further. Okay, we'll keep our eyes peeled in case another ever comes by. > I admit that I do not have my syllogism airtight, > or waterproof, or 100% clean and clear. Oh, come on, it _must_ be waterproof if you were carrying it around in your brain all these years. > That is why I like to come back to my threads as the years > go by and to add unto them. You see, the big trouble I have > in making this syllogism airtight or waterproof is that > I must combine the fact of the Atomic Theory as printed > in the first chapter of Feynman's LECTURES ON PHYSICS > those three red books where Feynman gives his plans for reshaping Chinese politics, stuff you can do with PostScript, and how audio CDs work. WOO! I MADE A JOKE ABOUT THE COLORS OF STUFF NERDS AND COMMUNISTS READ! (That's why Communism collapsed -- they weren't allowed to be nerds because then we'd get confused about which they were. So they never had any computers more powerful than a tractor with an abacus bolted to it.) > version of the Atomic theory by saying on page 1-2 "that all things > are made of atoms-- little particles that move around > in perpetual motion..." Okay, definitely not college ruled if that took two pages. You're writing it on that yellow paper with the blue lines like this, --------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - (actual size) --------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --------------------------------------------------------------------- ...aren't you? Please write your answer in this space: _ Thank you. > You see, I have to combine the ATOMIC THEORY that all things > are made up of atoms with the Universe itself. But the tricky > passage of logic is the fact that the Universe is one entity and > it is all-inclusive. Things the Universe doesn't include: * Bacon-flavored Pez * William Shatner's flowing blond hair * Concerts performed entirely with dentist drills * The episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV" that won a Pulitzer Prize Besides, even if it DID include EVERYTHING, that would require it to include several million flashing neon billboards that had brilliant proofs why your theory was wrong. Also it would contain a machine that would turn you into a hot dog if you ever thought of a word that contained an "e". So you should be very glad you don't live in that Universe because if you ever proved your theory were true, it would ruin your theory forever and turn you into a hot dog. (In THIS Universe, it's highly unlikely you'll ever turn into a hot dog, as the hot dog manufacturers' standards are too high.) > Unlike the ditties of a) A human is made up of atoms > b) thus a human is an atom. Those ditties are crap > because a human is not an all-inclusive entity that is > a Universe. That's right, humans contain at least two atoms each. But the Universe contains humans. Humans like Y-O-U!! Thus, the Universe contains lots of atoms, not just one, and it's all because of Y-O-U!! > So, where my many detractors and enemies gush forth > with their pathetic ditties trying to make me look > wrong or bad. Well, obviously they do not possess > enough brainpower to realize that the entity of the > Universe stands in a special logical relationship > with the Syllogism I am proffering and because of > the all-inclusiveness of the Universe, I can come > out successfully with a conclusion that the Universe > as an entity must be "a single atom" > > So let me add onto my "worlds most beautiful > syllogism" thread. > > 1 Everything is either the Vacuum or is Matter. > 2 All Matter is one or more of the 114 known chemical > elements But, Arch, long ago you named about a hundred more. Are you admitting you cheated and named them WITHOUT actually synthesizing them in your cyclotron in your trailer home? I am SHOCKED and DISMAYED and I am withdrawing my letter to the Nobel Prize Committee recommending that they give you a Special Prize! And I thought you had discovered all those elements just because you told us all about them. You went to the trouble of making up wacky names for them and everything. -> Element 181 , petrzhakflerovium, Pf. Element 182 , -> crickwilkinswatsonium, Cw. Element 183 , doublehelixium, Hx. Element -> 184 , bellaspectklitzingium, Bx. Element 185 , -> superpositionprincipleum, Sp. Element 186 , pauliprinzipium, Pp. -> Element 187 , komplementarprinzipium, Kp. Element 188 , -> unexaktheitprinzipium, Ue. -> Element 189 , biotechnologyfusionum, Bf. This element exists in the -> totality. Life was materialized by the Plutonium Atom Totality so that -> in the distant future some form of life would nucleosynthesize element -> 190. -> Element 19¯ , plutoniumium, Up. This element exists nowhere in our -> observable electron universe nor in the atom totality. Life was -> materialized by the Plutonium Atom Totality so that in the distant -> future some form of life would nucleosynthesize element 190. Then when -> some advanced life form nucleosynthesizes element 19¯ which -> spontaneously fissions, then our Plutonium Atom Totality will have -> transformed into the successor atom totality of an Americium Atom -> Totality. Whatever life form actually completes the nucleosynthesis of -> element 19¯, they will be "The Chosen Ones". -- Ludwig Plutonium, sci.physics article titled "ELEMENTS 109 THROUGH 190", October 1993 > 3 the Universe itself is an entity and as such is > either a Vacuum or is Matter. So, you're saying that if I have a vacuum, I have a whole Universe? Cool! There are tiny people living in my Electrolux! > 4 From observation the Universe is not a Vacuum, hence > it must be Matter. > 5 Since the Universe in its entirety is Matter, it > must be one of the 114 chemical elements One of the ones that's invisible so that you don't have any trouble seeing the distant galaxies through the solid block of matter. > And, in past years I searched through the Atomic > theory of Democritus and found a book printed circa > 1950s? where the author said that Democritus may have > believed that the universe itself was just one big > atom! Wow, what a bozo! > Of course, Democritus never knew the 94 chemical > elements and could never have guessed which one of > these 94 chemical elements best fit all the special > numbers of both physics and mathematics. And the only > modern day thinker that even comes close to the Atom > Totality theory of Archimedes Plutonium is Carl Sagan > of Cornell Univ in his book COSMOS. His idea is a > nested atomic universe. But Dr. Sagan never conceived > of the Atom Totality theory for if he had, he would have forgotten it when his high wore off. Stop harshing Carl's buzz, man! Don't be such a Captain Bringdown! > have figured out or computed what chemical element it > actually was. But the trouble I am having with the > syllogism stems back with Sagan's nested universe. I > need to incorporate "nested" into my syllogism. Oh, > well, some more thrilling work for me in the future > years for this thread, ie, to incorporate nested atoms > into the logical syllogism. > > However, I feel that since the universe as an entity > is "everything" and since it is all inclusive that it > incorporates "nested" into the body-logic and thus I > do not need to incorporate "nested". But perhaps I do, > if for no reason than to make the many carpers and > fool-attackers of this thread blush in shame. But the > fact that their attacks are archived in perpetuity > makes me chuckle. Imagine all the fools during > Galileo's life who carped at him for his "moving > Earth". Most of Galileo's carpers were not archived in > perpetuity. But most of Archimedes Plutonium carpers > will be saved for many future merriment laughs. Until all recorded history is degaussed by a stray solar flare. > Now, to address the person who carped that I was > making a logical fallacy error of composition, and > as his example of a human-- something on these lines > > All things are made up of atoms > A human is a thing > Hence a human is one big atom > > Try running the "human syllogism" along these lines > to rectify the mind I don't know who The Human Syllogism is, but you're not him. > All things are made up of atoms > Yes, a human is a thing > But a human is not a single thing > Rather, a human is a composition of matter, an > association of many atoms > So, one cannot conclude that a human is > a single atom, unlike the conclusion that the > universe is a single atom > But, one can conclude that the Universe > is a single atom from the fact that it is > either a vacuum or matter. > The Universe is special in this logical > syllogism because it is all inclusive > whereas a human is not all inclusive and > a human is an association of atoms > > ----- Is that a syllogism or a haiku? I never can remember because syllogisms and haikus always contain sixteen lines. > Also, if anyone knows the fastest way to get to the > sci newsgroups to post out from Netscape or Microsoft Explorer > (I now own my own iMac and ISP account) Did you make sure to ask them if their ISP was compaible with your color of iMac? Not all of them can handle Barbie pink. By the way, why did you never think of this during those many years that you were complaining that you hated the way the computers were set up at the Dartmouth library? You remember, you claimed you only took a job at Dartmouth so you could use their computers. Which you began doing a few years after you got the job. > please inform me at plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com. Thank you very much. > As you can see, I am still relying on my Onramp, and it is > such a shame that even though I own my own computer and have > a years subscription, that I cannot find sci.logic or sci.chem > anywhere. Oh, come on, you've drawn a map of the whole Universe, which is JUST AN ATOM, so surely you should be able to find two newsgroups in that atom. It's not like the Universe is as complicated as a molecule or anything! > That says something very alarming and depressing as > to the historical development of the computer. That by January > of 2000 if a person buys a new computer and has a subscription > that it is almost impossible for that person to post to sci.chem > or sci.physics without going through a gigantic gauntlet of > technicians and phonecalls just to post a article to sci.physics. > fusion. I spent 4 hours tonight just trying to find sci. newsgroup > hierarchy to post to and finally gave up. Back in New > Hampshire when I lived in Hanover, we had Internews 2.0.2 that > easily got me to the newsgroups. Is someone, is the government, > or someone making it more difficult or impossible to get to the > newsgroups???? Some definitely is making it difficult for you to use the Internet. I think he wears a homemade cape and a shirt with atoms drawn on it in magic marker. -- K. I'm still shocked and dismayed he didn't get a WebTV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.engr,sci.physics.electromag,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Fusion Barrier Law; date of discovery Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 09:56:59 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.engr, sci.physics.electromag, and sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Someone posted that I was trying to fabricate the > dates of the discovery of the Fusion Barrier Law. I think you're fabricating that someone other than you actually thought about your theory. > That is not the case for the discovery is documented post > by post to the Internet. I mistakenly wrote 1987-1988 > when I should have written 1997-1998. I just got the > 8 mixed up with 9. Oh, yeah, great scientists have troubles with numbers that big, you know, the ones beyond sixish. > [...] > > The month of January 2000, was a lowpoint in the postings > by Archimedes Plutonium. How could you tell? > I moved and re-established a new home. I am just now getting > back online. Thanks to my friends who have posted via email, > and especially to one friend who has given me this Internet Onramp. > I have an iMac I suspect for the next six weeks we're going to see ten postings a day which say "LOOK! I HAVE AN iMAC!" > and am trying to get on the sci hierarchy newsgroups. > I am familar with the program Internews that I used so > often during 1993-1999, and am looking for the newsgroups > but with OS-9 and a brand new iMac, LOOK! HE HAS AN iMAC! > alas, I am having trouble in even locating how people > can get to the newsgroups. And alas, it seems as if everyone > is deliberately hiding the newsgroups and programs to get > to newsgroups and to post. Yeah, because if it were easy, CRAZY people would post. > It looks as though the in-home-computer is set up mostly > for people to click on buttons where a credit card is > wanted in order for you to spend gobbs of money. I just want > to get to the sci newsgroups like sci.bio.technology or > sci.chem or sci.physics.fusion. But it is extremely difficult > to find. Could someone please tell me the easiest way to > access the newsgroups from either Netscape or Microsoft Explorer I am glad you are posting to the Internet about how you can't post to the Internet. Did you remember to press the Any key to begin? The Any key is well-hidden on recent iMacs. It looks like a tiny hole with a little triangle printed next to it. (Sometimes it's hidden behind a little door.) You need to straighten out a paper clip and push it into that little hole AS HARD AS IT CAN GO to break the factory seal over the Any key that prevents you from finding the science newsgroups. Then you will be able to post one article. You will need to repeat this procedure after each article. Sometimes you can bypass this protection by simply inserting a floppy disk into your iMac. Just push the disk in all the way, until it clicks. -- K. Also, don't forget to buy a cybernewsic buffer box that can be connected to your computer's Hardware Posting Unit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Japan loses "gold" half of 107-year-old idol twins Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 10:14:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A few days ago, l'AFP wire-serviced: > > Subject: Japan loses "gold" half of 107-year-old idol twins Did it try looking under the sofa cushions? > TOKYO, Jan 23 (AFP) - One of Japan's oldest and most famous twin > sisters, Kin and Gin, died of heart failure Sunday at the age of > 107, her family said. > Kin (meaning gold in Japanese) Narita died at her home in the > central Japan city of Nagoya. Gotta be skin suffocation. > Her death was the top item in Japanese television networks' > news programmes for the day. Well, of course, anything with Sean Connery in it would be. I bet they were all rooting for Harold Sakata, though. > Kin and her sister, Gin (silver) Kanie, first attracted media > attention in 1991 as centenarian twins and became idols with a > series of appearances on television and other advertisements. In unrelated news, Tweedledum was found drowned in his bathtub after being hit over the head with a camera tripod while tied up with pantyhose. Tweedledee is being questioned. Police are treating this as a possible murder. -- K. I apologize for adding the pantyhose to Bob Crane. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 10:28:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dan Schmitt (dmschmit@shock.tamu.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > HELL IS ONLY HALF OF FOREVER! > > This always bugs me. > > I mean, you can have something that > is eternal (Hell is forever) or > something that will go on forever > (perpetuate a hell upon someone, > or Kibo's next half) but I can't > find a word for ending something > that has existed forever (the first > half of something eternal, like > the permanent ending of some > condition.) The Church Of Latter-Day Saints (the people who insist that they're not formally called "Mormons" because they don't want the bigots to realize that it would turn into a perfectly good slur if they left out one "m") believes in a "pre-mortal" life, because we're immortal both before and after our existence here. (Makes just as much sense to me as the regular Christian way.) Basically, the LDS believes something along the lines of (please correct me since I'm probably unintentionally mangling the doctrine) when we get married, not only are we united with our spouses forever after we die, but somehow we're getting married to the same person we already had some sort of pre-mortal relationship with in the before-life. At least that's what I remember from this short LDS-produced film I once saw at a Propaganda Film Festival. (Plot highlight: She made the mistake of considering marrying someone who was "outside the church", i.e. a heathen lout. He showed up at her house to take her out and produced a gift from behind his back -- A BIG BOTTLE OF WHISKEY! She held her hands in front of her face and backed away. Also I recall that the guy liked to drive around the block over and over in Las Vegas while pictures of casinos' neon signs were superimposed in high-cliche' style.) Ha! My paragraph is exactly the same shape as yours only twice as tall and twice as wide! (Poor Spot! He was the world's worst Dachshund! He was half a dog long and a dog-and-a-half tall!) > Kibo, since you have such pull with > the dictionary folks, could you > make up a word that fits that > definition and make them add it to > the dictionary for me. It would have to be something that would mesh with that Stanislaw Lem story where Benita Bizarre's pals Woofer and Tweeter -- excuse me, Klapaucius and Trurl -- made the machine that destroyed most of the things that started with the letters W through Z, so that there will never again be any wurches and zits. (I think the translator didn't know that "zit" was a real, non-funny word.) Also, the condition you describe could be graphed on a number line as <############################o----------------------------> -5 -4 -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3 4 5 ...which, if you will recall the OTHER story I tell almost as often as the one about the Propaganda Film Festival, was what they called "Calculus" at Schenectady County Community College. -- K. We need a word for those community-college math courses which are simulatenously easy yet completely inapplicable to actual life. You know, the ones that are easier than watching TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 08:17:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > But you're saying to yourself, Dean, aren't you a scientist of some sort? > > And I come back with: NO! HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU > > THIS!!! I'M AN OPERATIONS GUY, NOT A SCIENTIST. (Did you see this Matt?) > > I will keep calling Dean Lenort a NASA scientist for as long as Kibo keeps > calling me a nucular physicist, which I never was, and besides now I'm not > even a scientist either, and it can be argued I have never been a > scientist Hey, I never said you were a REAL scientist. Just a NUCLEAR PHYSICIST. You're no rocket scientist! Now, Dean Lenort and Robert Lindsay, they're rocket scientists, unlike you, you rocket pseudoscientist! You'll never be half as rocket sciency as they are! They're card-carrying members of NASA, a government agency so secret that not even Marilyn Vos Savant can get in! You should see how confused the counter people at the NASA Taco Bell act when Dean and Robert walk up to the counter and give their orders in those big sciencey two-syllable words all scientists use that normal people on TV sitcoms can't understand, you know, like Tony Danza. > because by the definition of the Captain Video Scientist Club > you're not a scientist unless you (A) are doing active published research > and (B) have a PhD, and I have never fulfilled both of these conditions at > the same time. Yeah, they made you give back your PhD when they realized that you cheated by building a time machine to look at the answers in advance. > > The teacher, Georgia Triantifalo (one of the few teachers whose name I > > can remember) would simply write the text from the text book on the board > > for her lectures. Truly inspiring. > > I had a teacher in high school whose lectures consisted of reading the > textbook aloud, with great emphasis put on random words. She said she > was "teaching us how to read a math textbook." She had a thriving > business as a real estate agent and did some teaching on the side. Golly. Now that is a horrifying story of a teacher so sterile and loveless that she should be a question on the SAT, namely Al Gore : Tipper Gore :: Tipper Gore : ____________________ NOW PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN. UNLESS YOU'RE IN SPACE, WHERE THERE IS NO DOWN, SO JUST THROW YOUR PENCIL INTO THE SUN. -- K. Matt, it's time for the "Let your conscience be your guide!" story again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 04:00:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Short Smashful Confession: > > I > > Flunked > > Math. > > Son of Short Smashful Confession Junior the second: > So > Did > I. > > But you're saying to yourself, Dean, aren't you a scientist of some sort? > And I come back with: NO! HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU > THIS!!! I'M AN OPERATIONS GUY, NOT A SCIENTIST. (Did you see this Matt?) All Dean does all day is to stick the metal tweezers into the little cardboard cutout of the Space Shuttle and if he can't take the satellite out of the payload bay without touching the sides, its nosecone lights up red and goes "BZZZZZZT!" > But that's beside the point. During my freshman year of college I was in > Calculus II which in that school system was the introduction to integrals > and their mysterious ways. This course presented a few unique challenges > that I was unable to overcome: > > 1- The teacher, Georgia Triantifalo (one of the few teachers whose name I > can remember) would simply write the text from the text book on the board > for her lectures. Truly inspiring. > > 2- The teaching assistant was this strange Greek chyk with a wicked nasty > accent ( she calle them Sinos and Cosinos) that made minimal sense. I had one physics course with a Chinese fellow who said "stethoscope" whenever he meant "statistics" while talking about statistics. > 3- There was no homework assigned. "All problems from the book should be > attempted. However, this homework shall not be collected." I was a lazy > bastard so I did just as much as was required of me. Me too. > 4- During the lectures I sat next to one of the few people I knew at this > huge school. We would spend the lectures punching each other in our best > 18-year-old mature fashion. I spent the whole time afraid someone might someday punch me. > The failing grade shouldn't have come as a surprise. I flunked Calculus III at RPI (unlike you, we had integrals in Calc I, Calc III probably would have been hard for me even if I had already matured into the required study habits) and, when I transferred to the jokey collumity college (WOOP WOOP WOOP THRICE-TOLD STORY ALARM) they didn't process the transfer credits for Calc I and II and told me that until they did (more than half a semester later!) I would have to take Calc I because obviously they couldn't take me at my word that I had taken Calc I before the other two courses at RPI. This "Calculus" course at the community college is the one I've repeatedly described as starting with one-dimensional number lines and working it way up to computing the area of a parallelogram by multiplying the height by the width. I never did any of my homework (I sat in the back writing fiction and drawing pictures of spaceships blowing up the people who don't know how to process transfer credits) and, several weeks into the course, the teacher noticed my utter lack of homework and asked me why I wasn't doing my homework. I said, "I got an 'A' in this last time I took Calc I at RPI." She didn't bother me for the rest of the year. The grade was basically wholly determined by the final exam (less a few percent for not doing the homework) so I got a 99 on the final and 98 for the course. Then I went on to be the vice-president of the community college Math Club, but that's another pitiful story. > But on the upside, when I retook the course the next quarter I had a cool > professor who would exclaim as he finished a mathematical proof something > like: "Oh joy supreme!" or "Will wonders never cease!". But perhaps even > more important was the fact that there was this cute chyk named Kaye that > lived in my dorm that I tutored in this same calculus course. So perhaps > that's why today I can proudly exclaim, "Needless to say, I got the job." Do you ever want to go back there and find your most boring teachers and just tell them that if they had motivated you a little harder you could have gotten a cooler job than being a launch controller for the Space Shuttle to see if they cry? I think all us ex-nerds have fantasies like that. And the one about the Tie Fighters blowing up the little pre-fab building that houses the people who can't type some "A"s and "B"s and "C"s off your transcript into the computer. TYPING IS HARD! MAKE THEM TAKE THE SAME MATH COURSE AGAIN, BECAUSE MATH IS EASIER THAN TYPING! (Well, actually, at that community college, it WAS.) > So what's the moral of this story? Justification is easy, comedy is hard. > (For those of you new to ARK, that last sentence was somewhat shamelessly > stolen from Stephen Will Tanner. COME BACK STEPHEN, ALL IS FORGIVEN!) justification i s n e v e r e a s y -- K. I wanted to type a 13-character wide period after that but I couldn't find it on my keyboard. Didn't the Monotype keyboard have an optional 13-unit-wide period? P.S. I forgot to mention "Doctor Who" in this post about math nerds. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 10:46:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I had one physics course with a Chinese fellow who said > > "stethoscope" whenever he meant "statistics" while talking > > about statistics. > > Last night, I had a dream where I was in a Sociology class and the > lecturer told us that there should be Nice Value Theorem to go with > the Mean Value Theorem. Some people dream in black and white. Kibologists dream in puns. I still dare you to top my dreams that contain entire "Laugh-In" episodes starring Peter Sellers and Harlan Ellison, though. I wish Peter Sellers were alive so I could mail him a description of him eating his foot because he didn't like chicken salad. > I had a statistics prof who may have said other words, but it all sounded > like "pippsi", when he could be heard at all. I was not alone in thinking > that. Nation of origin? Elsewhere. > > Actual stats lecture: > > PROF: "mmm...hmmm...sssPIPPSI...hmmm...mmm...PIPPSImmm..." > STUDENT: "We can't HEEEEAR YOU!!!" > PROF: "PIPPSIsssPIPPSI...mmmm....hmmm...PIPPSI" > [repeat for fifty minutes] Did he also subliminally flash "EET POPPCORN" on the overhead projector? > Fortunately, I think the department intervened and gave everyone who was > failing a C, e.g. me, for humanitarian reasons. Oh, the dreaded Engineering School C Vortex where, to be perfectly fair, they give everyone Cs, which is fair because they're exactly halfway between the best and the worst grades so there's nothing wrong with being given a C like everyone else who went on to become Vice-President. > I had a differential equations prof who didn't like overhead projectors > and destroyed two pull-down screens when they didn't retract fast enough. > The first, he torn out of the ceiling, the second, he used a knife. > Engineering students who used "j" instead of "i" had to bring in a dean > or two to stop him from failing them. J think J would be annoyed by that and J would complain to the authorities. > > P.S. I forgot to mention "Doctor Who" in this post about > > math nerds. > > I really like that one rock quarry that they used for one or two of the > episodes. Just think, if Vazquez Rock, Bronson Film Cave, and LA's Second Street Tunnel and the drainage canals had all been built in London instead of Los Angeles, all British TV would be as good as American TV. I really liked the part of "Volcano" where Tommy Lee Jones saves LA from the vicious lava that's chasing him around by tricking it into the drainage canal where it won't hurt anyone except the casts of "CHiPs" and "Knight Rider", YAY!!! Also when he's knocking over the nonexistent skyscraper to make the lava make a left turn his little girl is standing under the building as it falls over and he's in the middle of a huge crowd half a mile away and only he can see the building falling on her and as it falls he has time to climb over the entire oblivious crowd and run three blocks and grab the girl and stand perfectly still while holding her directly under the falling building but she's okay because he's taller than her so only he gets a light coating of plaster dust as the Styrofoam building harmlessly bounces off his head. Disaster movies have the BEST action scenes, as long as they're not made by Irwin Allen, in which case it would be a cutout of a black and white postcard from the 1950s toppling over into half a glass of water as Robert Vaughn and Maureen McCormick act only vaguely interested and O.J. Simpson saves the old lady's cat. -- K. Graphic design problem: Suppose Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Penny Marshall, and Cindy Williams did a movie together -- who would get top billing? And how big a disaster would THAT movie be? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 08:48:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Graphic design problem: Suppose Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, > > Penny Marshall, and Cindy Williams did a movie together -- > > who would get top billing? > > The lawyers. Sheesh. > > Dave "in fact, I sense they're already circling, drawn by the explanation" > DeLaney Okay, now that you've mentioned the explanation, the lawyers now require me to make one u^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hpost the real explanation now: "The Towering Inferno" was originally two movies being made by competing studios, based on the novels "The Tower" and "The Glass Inferno". One was going to star Steve McQueen and the other Paul Newman. One of the two producers, a genius named Irwin Allen, realized that he would only make half of all the money at the box office that summer, so he orchestrated a deal between the two studios to combine them into one super-sub-plot-a-riffic three-hour-and-then-some epic of hundreds of minor celebrities dying violently one at a time. That way he'd make even more money trading in ownership of all of a lame disaster movie for half-ownership of the world's most awesome movie ever! However, McQueen's contract promised him top billing. Newman's contract promised him top billing. So, the solution that was agreed upon was that they would be listed diagonally backwards: STEVE McQUEEN PAUL NEWMAN ...so that McQueen would get top billing for the half of the audience that reads from the top down, and Newman would get top billing for the half of the audience that reads from left to right. It all depended on whether elevation trumped azimuth, leaving the decision up to Y-O-U!!! So, when they were making "Laverne & Shirley", the same thing happened. Presumably Cindy "Waah, I'm Just Shirley" Williams didn't want to be listed second underneath the producer's sister, but obviously Penny "Watch It, I'm The Producer's Sister" Marshall couldn't be listed below someone who wasn't related to Garry "I Thunk Up 'American Graffiti' All By Myself" Marshall, so they were listed as CINDY WILLIAMS PENNY MARSHALL ...except in some of the syndicated reruns, where they were CINDY WILLIAMS as Shirley PENNY MARSHALL as Laverne (Those were "Laverne & Shirley And Company", I think) and also if you believe Garry Marshall there was a version aired in Thaiwan (it's either Thailand or Taiwan depending on what year you ask him to repeat the story) which said CINDY WILLIAMS PENNY MARSHALL THESE WOMEN ARE FROM A MENTAL INSTITUTION. ...to explain why they were allowed to be "fresh" with men, and of course there was that disastrous final season of "Laverne & Shirley" without Shirley, PENNY MARSHALL ...but I would have preferred it if they had kept using the old title sequence and just replaced Cindy Williams with a big blotch of turpentine like the cameo by the giant transparent ameba in "Gunga Din" that used to be Rudyard Kipling himself except apparently the producers didn't feel he really understood the point of "Gunga Din" and so they dissolved him off the master negative and cleaned it up with a shoe brush. Thus endeth the explanation. alt.religion.kibology may not play the Kibo Explains It All card again for 24 hours, because it's attached to the red button on Bob Barker's Range Finder console. However, Matt McIrvin will do explanations at any time. He loves doing explanations. Or was that imitations? Well, whatever, ask him to do both next time you meet him. -- K. Follow-up question: If Irwin Allen had merged "Lost In Space" with a Sid & Marty Krofft show, would Penny Marshall have played both Penny and Marshall in "Land Of The Lost In Space"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 03:46:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > We need a word for those community-college math courses > > which are simulatenously easy yet completely inapplicable to > > actual life. You know, the ones that are easier than watching TV. > > Short Smashful Confession: > I > Flunked > Math. The kind that's useful in real life, or just the kind they tried to teach at the community college I was describing? Look at it this way: No matter which kind of math you lack, you could still win "The Price Is Right"'s Clock Game. > I did so poorly in anything math related in high school that when I > went to the dumb Community College I had to fill up my schedule with > math courses so that I'd get my coveted 2-year degree transferable to > a real college. (Then I went to the real college and decided that > school and I have issues and that we really shouldn't see each other > anymore. Which makes me wish that I'd heard of Emerson when I was > looking into school type places, because it seems like the complete > opposite of a school type place.) I think Emerson did have some sort of Remedial Math-Like Course that they only required deficient students to take (the ones who had been to a high school that only had two 'R's.) Emerson really had no math courses except for that, and I would love to know if their syllabus was sillier than Schenectady County Community College's. (At SCCC, I also had a science course titled "Tour Of The Solar System" that only dispensed inaccurate information about our nation's sky's back yard, while Emerson didn't have any science courses.) Of course, the first of the three colleges I attended only had four humanities courses, so I got a well-rounded attention by first going to a school that only taught nerd stuff, then I went to SCCC which didn't teach anything, then I went to Emerson which only taught useful stuff like how to analyze TV commercials. > So I had to fill up my schedule with Calculus. Only I flunked out > within days of the course so I got moved down into Math For Stupids, > or Algebra 101. I barely passed that, but only becuase the teacher > kind of dug me. There are much, much, much lower levels of math than algebra (actually, _advanced_ algebra -- number theory and all that -- can be one of the hardest brain-strainers, or so I'm told by people who understand more of Bertrand Russell than I ever did) and the lower levels of math include: * Business Math. I got kicked out of that class once in junior high school because, a few years before, I had been allowed to work at my own pace and had finished all the (skimpy) problem sets for the year in a few weeks (I'm not that great at math, but I work really fast) and wound up a year ahead of the "accelerated" class the next year. They didn't know what to do with me, so... because I had already used up the normal math course and the accelerated math course... they put me in the only one I hadn't yet been in, "Business Math". Which I still think was a code-name for "Remedial Math And Life Skills For People We Think Will Be Too Poor To Ever Afford To Have Someone Else Do Their Taxes For Them." It consisted entirely of stuff like checkbook-balancing (the word "debit" means "loss", you know, hard concepts like that) and I, one of the school super-brainiac doubledome I.Q. 5000 nerds, was plopped into the middle of this class in the middle of the semester, surrounded by the entire football team. They all knew each other well by that point and nobody liked me, so I made the mistake of trying desperately to fit in by being the class clown. And I got thrown out of the class! I assume it was just for the day, not forever, but I simply never went back. I just went over to the accelerated class and sat in the back and doodled quietly, and the accelerated math teacher understood. For the remainder of my early schooling, I was happy to only be one year ahead of the "regular students" because at least there was a whole classful of students in that situation and at least we could talk to each other about Monty Python and "Doctor Who". And below the level of Business Math: * Chisanbop. They briefly taught this imported-from-Korea concept in New York State for about two years, and thankfully I missed it. This was something they used with first-graders as a cheap replacement for an abacus: The fingers on your left hand were worth ten each, and the fingers on your right hand were worth one each, and you counted each of them twice or something so you still had tens, and it was just as easy as using an abacus except even easier because you were counting on your fingers and it had an Asian-sounding name so it must be good because we know that all those Asians are genetically predisposed to being good at math, so we should count on our fingers like someone told us they do. (I've been assuming this was made up. Have any of you folks living outside the USA even heard of "Chisanbop"?) The one easy math-like thing I'm sorry I missed: * The New Math. This was a loosely-related collection of math-like concepts (without any actual addition, subtraction, etc.) which was in vogue in the late sixties and early seventies. The curriculum usually included stuff about set theory (unions and intersections), Venn diagrams (don't you use those in your everyday life? At least if you have a MasterCard?), and different base systems, especially "Duodecimal", base 12, which was so logical and perfect that the whole world would switch to it some day! The digit for "ten" is pronounced "dek" but spelled "X", and the digit for "eleven" is "el" but spelled "E" and not "L"! It's all so perfect and useful! But then the USA got Metric Fever and everyone started foaming at the mouth over converting to Metric instead of Duodecimal (they couldn't do both, because Duodecimal would make Metric A MILLION TIMES HARDER) and then the country completely converted to Metric in 1976. For a week. Then everyone forgot. > So when we went to the Museum of Science recently and Kibo pointed out > that Mathmatica is his favorite section I sort of cringed because I > knew that I'd start to hear all sorts of things like blah blah blah > math stuff blah boolean blah blah algorithm blah thingy more math > stuff blah. > > And then I'd point to a shiny lightbulb and say "pretty!" Tom pointed to the cone with the loops of string around it labelled "ARCHIMEDES' MENTAL MODEL" and said, "HEY, LOOK, KIBO, YOU FORGOT TO MAKE FUN OF THAT!" > But I can get along okay, you know. I don't need any of your sooper > brainified advanced math to survive. I can balance my checkbook just > fine, thank you. And I have Tom around for anything that requires > actual thinking. So HAH HAH! I don't need your stinking numbers. But X and E are numbers in Duodecimal! So stop using X and E in sentences, you selective-math-ignorer you! If you're going to eschew real math, you also have to eschew the phony made-up math stuff they teach in schools too! Also, if you don't like math, how come you know so much about "Doctor Who"? > Therefore, > I > Win > Again. Yes, but I actually win, because I called a time-reversed dibs on winning after you did. -- K. It was time-reversed and upside down, just like that one episode of "Doctor Who"'s title sequence where they threaded the film of the green swirly zigzags backwards. > XXOO > Leah sqip .s.d ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 06:54:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, if you don't like math, how come you know so much about "Doctor Who"? > > Wasn't every nerd girl in the world enthralled with Tom Baker at one > time or another? So THAT'S why none of them would go out with me! > When I was 15, I was sooooooooo into Dr. Who that my parents thought I > was cracking up. I met this 30 year old guy at a Eurythmics concert > who was wearing a big idiot scarf and immediately decided we were best > friends for life. So I brought him over to show my parents. "See my > friend? He's SO COOL! He's into that Dr. Who stuff" And all my > folks could see was some 7' tall weirdo who was way too old to be > hanging around their possibly mentally challenged daughter. > Ah, those were the days! Indeed. > They actually decided he was okay when he got me a "good deal" on a > "computer" one day. A Dataview 2000. It had 64 K and TWO, count em, > TWO floppy drives. So I could play Zork and not have to switch disks. > > Eventually, though .. and forgive if I've brought this up before .. > this computer died when my nephew fed it bottlecaps. After saving up a dozen to shove in there, did he at least get a free dialysis machine? > > Yes, but I actually win, because I called a time-reversed dibs on winning > > after you did. > > DAMN you, Kibo! Damn you and your time-reversal math blah blah thingy > thing thing stuff! > > > sqip .s.d > > You have no clue as to the severe calamity you've just unleashed. Excuse me, Leah, but you forgot to tell me I misspelled sq!p .s.d But that's okay because I called a time-reversed forgiveness on you before you goofed. -- K. I wish there were one-letter words that weren't palindromes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: It Will Take Your Head Off! Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 10:55:33 GMT Reply-To: alt.dev.null@alt.dev.null Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.dev.null From a Web site that was excerpting an article from the Washington Post, headlined "Scientology's Funny Photos": > > "The Church of Scientology insists that more than 14,000 of its faithful > packed the Los Angeles Sports Arena for a millennial celebration of > Scientology's first 50 years and the 'triumph of spirituality over > materialism.' To bolster that claim, the church's PR operation posted four > panoramic color photographs of the Dec. 28 event--for use by the news > media--on the Scientology Web site. But then Arlington resident Arnaldo > Lerma entered the picture, reports The Post's Richard Leiby. > > "The 49-year-old Lerma -- an ex-Scientologist who has tangled repeatedly > with church officials since he quit 23 years ago -- immediately thought he > spotted something fishy: He says the crowd scenes were doctored > extensively. In one shot he found repeated images of some > attendees--apparently added to fill empty seats. The touch-up work left > one doppelganger parishioner with no head. Well, doctoring the photo is okay if they didn't change the head count. > In another shot, a bald man who had been replicated magically grew hair. PRAISE L.RON! I'm going to sign up for at least as long as it takes for them to give me long flowing magical hair! > "On Friday, Lerma shared his discovery with the media and posted his > findings on an online Scientology discussion group, and on New Year's Day > the church removed two photos altogether and considerably cropped the > remaining two. Yesterday, when Leiby asked church spokeswoman Janet > Weiland for an explanation, she said there was no intent to inflate the > head count. 'That was just a goof when they put it up on the Web,' she said. If a badly-retouched photo falls in the forest with no Web around to see it, is it still a goof? > 'It was later corrected.' She maintained that the celebration was > 'absolutely packed ... there wasn't an empty seat.' Yep, they just thought the stadium would look better if there were 14 copies of the same 1,000 people, not 14,000 completely different people. Also they thought some of them should not have heads. > "Lerma vehemently disagreed. 'It wasn't a mistake -- we think it took many > hours of work,' he said. 'They didn't just clone people; they squished > their heads SCIENTOLOGY WILL SQUISH YOUR HEAD! I had no idea every episode of "The Kids In The Hall" was written by L.Ron. (I thought he only wrote for "Mr. Show".) > and drew hair on them. It's only a goof because we noticed it.' Later, > Scientology's Weiland phoned Leiby back to offer further explanation. > 'Someone made an independent decision over the holidays to fill in a hole > around the camera crew for aesthetic reasons, and when we found out about > this, the photos were pulled,' Weiland said. 'That wasn't okay.'" The question is, if they had added a picture of Donald Duck and Goofy, would that have been a goof or a duck and a goof? -- K. Still, it was nice of them to withdraw the badly-retouched photos. I don't care how many people they want to claim came to the stadium, I just lost a little respect for them when I discovered they couldn't afford to hire people who were competent retouchers. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: More on the deadly, deadly Burger King Pokemon Balls Date: Fri, 28 Jan 2000 12:31:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The media are still screaming about the incredible dangers of orange-sized hollow plastic balls. The US Consumer Product Safety Commission just issued this press release: > In Wake of Second Death, CPSC and Burger King Again Urge Consumers to > Destroy and Discard Pokemon Balls It's important to do both. Don't just destroy it and save the ashes. > WASHINGTON, D.C. - The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) and > Burger King Corp. are again urging consumers to immediately destroy and > discard Pokemon balls distributed with Burger King kids meals in November > and December 1999. On January 25, 2000, a 4-month-old boy in Indianapolis, > Ind., reportedly suffocated when one-half of a Pokemon ball that was in > his crib became stuck on his face. I see, so, now we're not allowed to have anything that a FOUR-MONTH-OLD person could hurt themselves with? Correct me if I'm mistaken, but this would include: * anything long and thin (they could poke their eye out) * anything small and round (they could shove them up their nose and suffocate) * anything with corners, edges, or ends (sharp) * anything with holes (they could get their toe stuck) * anything large (it might fall on their head if they put it on a shelf) * anything flat (they could stand on it, then fall off) * anything rustly (they could wrap themselves in it and catch fire) * anything liquid (they could drown in it) * anything elastic (they could stretch it and then it could snap in their face) * anything alive (it could bite them) I mean, what sort of moron would feed a Burger King Kid's Meal to a 4-month-old infant? Why is Burger King being held responsible and not the negligent idiot parents? What sort of "FOR AGES 3 AND UP" isn't clear? Well, okay, maybe it should say "FOR AGES 3 YEARS AND UP" in case they thought it meant 3 months, but then they would probably just say "Duh, we are stupid, there are twelve years in a month, let's give Pokeballs to our three-year-old infant!" I'm a great believer in treating kids well and keeping them safe, and it burns me up that the real story here (some nitwits will throw random stuff into their baby's crib) is being lost in the hysteria about OH NO, SOMETHING AFFILIATED WITH THAT POKEMON CULT STUFF THAT DESTROYS KIDS' BRAINS IS NOW KILLING THEM LEFT AND RIGHT! WE GOTTA TAKE ALL THE TOYS AWAY FROM THE BIG KIDS BECAUSE TWO INFANTS DIED! Why haven't they recalled bicycles yet? And what about the Big Wheel? It's got a level kids can pull to make it "spin-out". AND NO SEAT BELT! And Twizzlers! Kids could jam one up their nose all the way to the back of their brain! Legos! The kid could build an airtight house around himself! Crayolas! They're wax! Kids could melt them down and make a candle which could start a fire! Finger paint! Skin suffocation! The Johnny Jump-Up! There could be an earthquake that yanks the baby up and down so much that the Johnny Jump-Up turns into a giant slingshot and hurls her across the room into a big vat of finger paint! Etch-A-Sketch! The kid could draw a circled pentagram by accident (especially given that it's so easy to draw a circle on an Etch-A-Sketch) and accidentally summon the Devil and use one of his three wishes for some finger paint and die of skin suffocation and also go to Hell! Hello Kitty stick-on earrings! Maybe she could put them on backwards and her ear would start sticking to other things, like a jet plane that's just about to fly a suicide mission into a volcano! Then she'd probably get hurt! Silly String! The kid could tie it around his finger to remember to buy a quart of milk, a loaf of bread, and a pound of butter, but because it's not regular string but silly string he wouldn't remember right and would make silly purchases like a burrito filled with live scorpions! Slinky! He could shove the two ends into an electrical socket to turn it into a toaster-style heating coil and make some burnt toast and then eat it and get sick! Water Weenie! Due to the principles of quantum physics, after the kid fills it with water, several quintillion molecules of sulfuric acid could simultaneously randomly quantum tunnel from a chemical lab six miles away into the Water Weenie, causing a tragedy resulting in a Nobel Prize for whoever documents it! The Jar Jar Binks inflatable chair! The kid could try to inflate it really fast by putting a nuclear bomb inside! And that might hurt someone! Spider-Man Underoos! The kid could get molested by some pervert who is turned on by kids in Spider-Man Underoos but not kids in plain underwear! Teddy Bears! They train kids to HUG BEARS! So, in order to prevent babies from ever hurting themselves, we should ban all toys, games, puzzles, or other fun concepts. This way we can allow all the parents of the world to be as negligent as possible (hey, it's in the Constitution!) while raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids who are extremely, extremely, extremely bored. -- K. The articles also never mention how many babies choked on the Burger King _fries_. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: NYC Ends Welfare Psychics Program Date: Sat, 29 Jan 2000 06:23:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In a ClariNet article, the Associated Press dissociated: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- New York City officials had a bad premonition > about a program that put welfare recipients to work as telephone > psychics. > Sensing bad publicity and worse jokes, officials announced > Friday that they will no longer funnel welfare recipients into jobs > with the Psychic Network, a business that offers callers > clairvoyance at $4.99 a minute. Just think of all those people crossing to the other side of the street to avoid the possibility of accidentally giving $5 to a needy person as they hurry home to call the Psychic Network. I bet if they knew they weren't talking to real psychics but welfare recipients they might think it was a rip-off! They'd start demanding a service where they could pay $5 to NOT talk to a poor person! "INSERT DOLLAR BILL HERE TO AUTOMATICALLY IGNORE THE PLIGHT OF OTHERS" > The decision by the city Human Resources Administration came > hours after the psychic connection was first reported by The New > York Times. > Since last April, the Psychic Network has hired 15 welfare > recipients, teaching them how to read tarot cards and look into the > future. Do they also teach the homeless people in my neighborhood how to hear voices? SOMEONE sure does. > [...] > > That leaves welfare recipients applying for employment with a > less interesting selection of companies: Rite Aid, Madison Square > Garden, Macy's. They allow poor people to work at Macy's now? How gauche! That's almost as bad as if they let poor people SHOP there! > Initially, HRA spokeswoman Ruth Reinecke defended the psychic > hot line jobs. > ``The pay is rather good, and it's attractive to work out of the > home for the mothers who have young children,'' she said. > The qualifications were a high school diploma ...because telephone psychics are always being asked about algebra but never about quantum electrodynamics. > and the ability to read, write and speak English. I CAN WRITE ENGLISH BUT NOT READ OR SPEAK IT. DO I GET THE JOB? SIGNED, KIBO > The pay started at $10 an hour, plus bonuses. Congratulations! Your bonus is you're fired because the New York Times made fun of your occupation! > The city refused to provide any information about the Psychic > Network, citing a confidentiality agreement with companies that > participate. > The 900-number services are legal but are required if you're too stupid to make your own decision about who to date. > to run a disclaimer that the calls are strictly for entertainment value. The calls are also required to have a laugh track. > Trying to track down the owner of the Psychic Network could > require the use of tea leaves. The only listing under the name is a > Florida bookstore that has no connection to the telephone business. The hardest part is telling apart the fifty or sixty things called "the Psychic Network". ...and, a quick Web search for "Psychic Network" brought up a page where I could fax my job application to the Psychic Network (probably a different one than was discussed in the article, as if that matters) and interview with them for a wonderful job. They had instructions on how to log on to their computer tracking system that they use to look up "psychic" information about their callers, and how to fill out my time sheets as to how long it took to do this for each bozo caller: -> LOGGING ON AND OFF THE NETWORK - 1/4/00 Update -> -> LOG ON NUMBER 1-800-848-4587 -> ENTER YOUR EXTENSION NUMBER ___________ -> ENTER YOUR PASSCODE __________ -> PRESS 1 TO LOG ON -> PRESS 2 TO LOG OFF -> PRESS 9 TO REPEAT MENU -> -> CALL BACK number to give callers is 1-900-288-0956 + Your ext. # -> -> PRN CUSTOMER SERVICE 1-402-573-9840 -> Give to customers who have any question about the cost of a reading with -> you, or any other reading they have had. The computer voice has told -> them this information. Any questions? Give out this customer service -> number. -> -> ***************************** -> -> EXAMPLE CALL BEGINNING -> -> "Thank you for calling the Network. This is ______ at Ext. number _____. -> -> "What is your full name and date of birth?" -> -> (NAME) "Why don't you get a pen and paper so that you can take notes on -> your reading. You'll be glad you did later, because it's hard to -> remember everything unless you write it down. And there's a special call -> back number I'd like you to write down in case we're disconnected - -> you'll receive some free minutes when you use it. Do you have a pen and -> paper?" -------> 900-288-0956 -> -> My extension is _____________ When you call back, LISTEN FOR THE -> COMPUTER VOICE TO ASK YOU if you know the extension you want to talk to. -> -> Then press in my extension. I'm usually on line between _____ (am/pm) -> and _____ That's (Pacific, Mtn, Central, Eastern) Time. -> -> ************** -> -> I see by your birth date (NAME), that your astrological sun sign is -> ________. -> -> This month you have some very interesting things happening. {INTERPRET A -> HOROSCOPE THAT YOU HAVE OBTAINED - DO NOT JUST READ IT! } -> -> LET THE ADDRESS CAPTURE BECOME A MINI-READING -> -> "Listening to your voice and hearing where you're from will help me -> begin your reading. At the same time, I'll be getting you on our mailing -> list so you will receive all our special discount offers...What city and -> state are you calling from?" -> -> "What is your street address and zip code?" (for instance use your -> Numerology: Do you know that the numbers in your addreess add up to a -> ONE in numerology? ONE means a new beginning, so some aspect of your -> life is just beginning. We'll find out about that as your reading -> continues (NAME). -> -> I'm going to start with my psychic impressions. Please ask any questions -> as I go along. Any thing at all that is not clear to you." -> -> IMPORTANT NOTE: WE ARE NOT SUGGESTING THAT YOU DISCUSS FRIVOLOUS THINGS -> WITH YOUR CALLERS. WE ARE SUGGESTING THAT YOU USE THE ADDRESS CAPTURE TO -> LEARN THINGS ABOUT THEM THAT WILL IMPROVE YOUR READING. "I see that your house is on a street that is main... a very main street... also you have a Southern accent." "Way-ull, gaw-lee!" Another page on the site told me: -> Your commission on this line is: -> $0.22 per minute for minutes talking with a caller for 1- 600 minutes -> in a pay period. -> OR $0.24 per minute for minutes talking with callers for 601+ minutes -> in a pay period. And an extra two cents if you can talk to the same bozo for ten hours without giggling. -> This line is best suited to those Independent Contractors looking to -> commit to a PART OR FULL TIME steady schedule. You will do well on this -> line if you give well rounded, skillful and energetic readings despite -> various free minute advertising offers promoted on television and in -> the mail. Translation: It's YOUR responsibility to swindle them out of the free minutes. -> AS AN INDEPENDENT BUSINESS, WE TAKE NO TAXES OUT OF YOUR CHECKS. -> PAYMENT OF ALL TAXES IS UP TO YOU, AS IS MEETING THE QUALITY OF -> PERFORMANCE ON THIS PSYCHIC LINE. We're "independent", that means we won't tell the IRS if you won't. The site also had useful lists of information to refer to when talking to callers, such as the personality traits of all twelve types of people in the world ("You're an Aquarius. It says here, I mean, I sense that you're a gullibozo!" "Yes! How did you know?") and what all ten possible numerological properties of all the numbers in the world are, and what the postal abbreviations for all fifty states are. ("I sense that your home state, Massachusetts, is abbreviated starting with... M... I see it more clearly now... there is a second letter... which says... 404 File Not Found!") -- K. From the site of yet another "Psychic Network": "All Psychics accept credit cards, but not all accept checks or money orders." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Literacy campaign thwarted by spelling mistakes Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 07:52:13 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com > LONDON, Jan 28 (AFP) - Teachers across Britain have had to take > down thousands of government posters promoting literacy because they > contained spelling mistakes, officials admitted Friday. > The Department of Education issued 48,000 posters after > officials failed to spot two gaffes -- "vocabluary" instead of > vocabulary and "though" instead of through. > Officials blamed the mistakes on proof-readers, but admitted > they were "unforgivable". > Taxpayers may now have to pick up the 7,000-pound > (11,000-dollar) bill for reprinting the posters, which carried the > motto "Raising Standards" and were meant to highlight the > government's strategy for improving literacy in schools. I thought they were meant to encourage the raising of standards. For poster designers. -- K. I will give An Imaginary Hug to anyone who can send me one of these posters. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sign of the times. Date: Sun, 30 Jan 2000 08:54:44 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In Brighton, a neighborhood laundromat has changed its TV lounge to an Internet lounge. "Waah! These computers with round screens just show clothes going around and around!" -- K. I went past it on my way to CompUSA, or as I call it, "CompUSA: Home Of The Total Morons Who Work At CompUSA." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: support for my Growing-Solar-System-theory; SN 20NOV99 SN 18DEC99 Date: Mon, 31 Jan 2000 06:16:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.astro and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Well, I am happy to announce that after the 1999 interruption > of posting science, Wait, you were posting _science_ before then? > is hereby no longer an interruption and that I am sufficiently > settled into my new place to continue posting and commenting on > science news items. Last night I went through the back issues > of SCIENCE NEWS for items related to my many and vast theories. How long did it take you to read all the photo captions in each issue> > This will be a typical posting behaviour on my part for the > rest of my life. Oh, darn. Just when we were getting used to hearing about Popsicles and your cool new iMac. > To show and indicate to the science community that my theories are correct Wouldn't a better way to do that be to get them printed in some magazine read by a much larger portion of the science community? You know, one of those magazines that print SCIENCE NEWS? > and that it is just a matter of time for the research data to > confirm the verity of my theories. THEY'RE NOT TRUE YET, BUT SOMEDAY THEY WILL BE! THEN EVERYONE WILL BE SORRY! ESPECIALLY THE SMART PEOPLE! > Most new great theories are way-ahead of their time and so I will > walk the science community through the verity of my theories Ow! I keep hitting my head on the low ceiling! > each time the science community reports new data. They do that once a year at the Annual Meeting Of All The Scientists In The World, right? (It's in Las Vegas. In that hotel that has a casino attached right to it.) > Since I was travelling through the USA and Europe I did not have > time to read the science news of the last 1/2 of 1999. This item > of 20NOV99 is very noteworthy and tremendously supports my > Growing-Solar-System-in-Atom-Totality-Theory. > Let me briefly summarize that > theory. It is a grand theory. It says that our solar system and > perhaps all solar systems progress from birth to death in this > manner. Recap of my Growing-Solar-System-Theory. A seed-dot of > the Atom Totality whether it is a Thorium Atom Totality or a Uranium Atom Totality or Plutonium Atom Totality starts the sun > of that solar system, the main star of that solar system. As that > star grows from mass accretion shoot from the nucleus of the > Atom Totality, other seed-dots (to be planets) start to grow. > These other seed-dots (planets) are spaced to a mathematical > rule such as the Titius Bode spacing. The star and largest > planets grow fastest because of some special relationship of > electricity to the nucleus of the Atom Totality. Thus, Jupiter > at this very time actually has *more electricity* than does our Sun Yes, but the power company there has really bad service. > and Jupiter is _relatively_ growing faster than the Sun at > this time in history. As these planets grow they move in closer > to the main star and become swallowed by the main star. And the Garry Marshall says, "Opie, we don't need you any more. I don't care if you quit, Fonzie's the main star now." > And because the Universe has different ages, for example, the > Thorium Atom Totality was 20 billion years old and the Uranium > Atom Totality was 10 billion years old and the Plutonium Atom > Totality was 5 billion years old, means, means that the age of > our Sun and inner planets is of an older age from the gas > giants of Jupiter and the outer planets which were seed-dots of > a newer Atom Totality perhaps the Uranium or even the Plutonium > Atom Totality. So, in my theory, the Sun and Earth and Mars are of a different age. Looking through SCIENCE NEWS I also see in > the 18 & 25DEC99 on page 390 > --- Quoting SCIENCE NEWS 18DEC99 --- > Mars craft finds evidence of a past ocean > ... that the northern lowlands represent a dried-up ocean basin > --- end quoting --- So, your theory is that Science News once printed an article? > Well, I could spend an entire day summarizing, Yes, you see, that is the purpose of summarizing. To go on and on. And on. And on. > but let me just quickly tell you how this theory works. It puts its punchcard in the slot then it puts on an apron then it washes a dish and then it washes another dish and then it washes another dish and then it goes to the library and then it posts to the Internet and then it falls asleep for a while and then it goes home. > A solar system is born from a seed-dot of the Electron Cloud of > that present day Atom Totality. This seed dot is the Star of that > solar system. Other seed dots become the planets to that star. > And the mechanics of those planets is usually, horrifyingly > usually that those planets become swallowed up by the main star. I need to work the phrase "horrifyingly usually" into some sentences tomorrow. "I don't just usually go to the Prudential Star Market. I _horrifyingly_ usually go to the Prudential Star Market!" > Some of the planet seed dots, like Jupiter become a second star, > what we call a twin star to the Solar System. Don't forget Saturn, and that other star that's behind the dark side of the Moon so we can't see it. > As these planets grow and often become swallowed by the main > star, many of them had oceans and life but that ocean and life > were scorched off by passing too close to the Sun, and luckily > the planet was not swallowed by the main star, in the case of > Mars and our Sun. I see, so... you're saying that... Mars... is... closer... to... the... Sun... than... the... Earth... is? Also, why didn't the Sun just get wet and go out when it touched the oceans? > Also, we see evidence that the outer gas giants are tracing an > orbital collision with Jupiter. Neptune already has abandoned its > Pluto orbit Wait, when was Neptune in Pluto's orbit? Was this back when Pluto was in Saturn's orbit and Saturn was located underground in Nebraska? Have you been smoking a rolled-up copy of Velikovsky again? (Not of his nutty theories, just a rolled-up edition of _him_.) > and is migrating every year closer and closer to a > collision rendezvous with Jupiter. Jupiter is fated to become the > twin star of our Solar System via mass accretion from the nucleus > of Plutonium Atom Totality and via supplemental mass accretion > from these to-be-swallowed up planets of Neptune Uranus and Saturn. You left out Vulcan, Krypton, Telos, Calufrax, Jittlov, and Planet Lunch. > You see, the Nebular Dust Cloud theory of Solar System birth and > death is a bunch of garbage. DUST EQUALS GARBAGE! TIME HAS INERTIA AND IS REALLY DIRTY!!! > Not that a dust cloud cannot form a solar system, for a dust cloud > could possibly form a solar system on rare occasions. But it would make a GAY solar system. > But rather the majority of Solar Systems throughout the Cosmos > are formed via my description above. PLEASE STOP DESCRIBING STUFF! YOU'RE FILLING UP THE UNIVERSE TOO FAST! > And the Mechanics-of-solar-systems-birth-to-death follows > what I have outlined above. > > The Nebular Dust Cloud theory cannot explain how Mars had a vast > ocean yet now is dry. Yes it can. Wet dust. And some of the more metallic dust spontaneously aggregated into a giant clothes dryer. As the wet planets orbited (all clockwise, because electrons always spin clockwise no matter what angle you look at them from) this cosmic spin cycle dried all the water off the planets, and also, Venus is made out of the same stuff as a sheet of Bounce which prevented static cling throughout the inner Solar System but left plenty of it around Saturn, which is why those rings got stuck around it when they drifted into our Solar System after forming in deep space. > The Nebular Dust Cloud theory cannot explain why all of these > extrasolar planets are so huge and why they are so near to being > swallowed up by their parent star. Can it explain why hot dogs come in packages of ten but celebrities always die in threes? > You see, the Nebular Dust Cloud theory has huge stupid holes in > the theory. ...wait, does this mean you're claiming you invented it? > For one, we know that virtually every star has a solar system, Anson Williams doesn't. Charles Nelson Reilly doesn't. Ann B. Davis doesn't. Even Bob Hope doesn't. > so, according to the Dust Cloud theory, you need > more Dust than there are stars, but any day that we chose to look > into the cosmos we see a rarity of dust. And the other stupidity > of the Nebular Dust Cloud theory is that it is overwhelmingly > a static type of theory. THE THEORY GAVE ME A SHOCK WHEN I TOUCHED IT! > Not much mechanics goes on in a Nebular Dust Cloud theory for the > origin of stars and planets. And, not enough can go on in a > Nebular Dust Cloud theory of stars and planets to explain the > Extrasolar data that has come to us in the 1990s. We see solar > systems with stars cannibilizing its planets. Um, Arch, you might want to look up how to spell the word that means something other than stars eating something that's NOT different from them. > Such mechanics needs my Growing-Solar-System-theory where new stars > are born of the Plutonium Atom Totality 5f6 seed-dots Did you ever think that these seed-dots might just be bird deposits on the windshield of your brain? > and where planets such as Jupiter are growing from > mass-matter shot into Jupiter in the form of cosmic rays, not > from some distant object but from the Nucleus of 231Pu. Yeah, the Super Space Nucleus is right here. I'm glad they have cops standing around it to keep kids from touching it or getting their tongues stuck to it or anything. > The Nebular Dust Cloud theory of star and planet origins reminds > me of another stupid theory in the history of science and perhaps > is the historical analog. This other stupid theory was the static > continents theory before plate tectonics came along. However, > the differences between static Earth geology compared to > Continental Drift theory is a simplistic comparison to that of > the Nebular Dust Cloud theory compared to Growing Solar Systems > in Atom Totality theory. Oh, it's only growing 'cause you keep adding fertilizer to it. -- K. Just out of curiosity, if planets are growing, shouldn't they have more than one atom in them by now? And wouldn't that ruin your whole "The Universe is just one atom" shtick? That would be sad. P.S. Don't be sad, I'm sure someday you'll make up another theory. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ARK - Super Bowl in Vegas? Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 10:41:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Last week, Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Any ARKers interested in a road-trip to Vegas this [last] weekend, drop me > a note. There's the Ripley's, the Coca-Cola museum, a bunch of roller > coasters, and I'll teach people how to count cards. Hey, Ted, guess who gets to go to Las Vegas _this_ [not last] weekend. You're not still there grifting little old ladies, are you? If so, you can show me your winning strategies for the sit-down slots! -- K. Checklist: Which of the following will be the utterly important thing I'll forget? [ ] camera [ ] camera batteries [ ] "film" (diskettes) [ ] laptop computer [ ] laptop computer batteries [ ] laptop computer battery charger [ ] maps [ ] printouts of airline and hotel electronic reservation numbers [ ] photo I.D. [ ] clothes [ ] money [ ] put the cat out (in case I get a cat before then) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: comp.lang.javascript,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: CSS Date: Wed, 2 Feb 2000 11:20:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In comp.lang.javascript, Martin Honnen (Martin.Honnen@t-online.de) wrote: > > [...] > > You could try to adjust the iframe with resizeTo in the onload handler > > > But I thought JavaScript had a single instruction that does all of that. Plugs Kibology, I mean. -- K. Or am I thinking of Procmail? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird Dream w Kibological Content Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 08:28:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > [in a wacky dream] > > Someone was passing around a long pipe that was giving off copious > stinky black smoke. They said they were smoking asfoetida. See, this is why they still sell Sen-Sen. It's the breath freshener which is a joy to use after smoking asafetida. Did you do it the cool way, by putting the asafetida inside a cigar that you smoked sideways? > I decided I'd go ahead and try a few puffs, since I'd read Kibo's > account of smoking asfoetida and it seemed okay. DEAR ALL THE KIDS IN THE WORLD, SMOKING ASAFETIDA IS OKAY. SMOKING EVERYTHING ELSE IS WACK! YOUR PAL, KIBO THE COOL CARTOON CHARACTER WHO MAKES YOU NOT SMOKE BAD STUFF. > The blobs were Amazon tree-octopus brain parasites. > Someone tried to slip one in my ear and I said, "No way, > man!" But it was already in my ear and I screamed, "Get it > out! Get it out!" A friend pulled it out with a tweezers, > and I started lecturing about never giving anyone drugs > without there permission, but the green blob started to > have effect. And then you started talking like Walter Koenig, and you got shorter and developed a terrible toupee, and became friends with Harlan Ellison, then you woke up screaming. Then DeForest Kelley bent over you and asked what your rank was and you said "Admiral" and then Scotty saved the whales with his futuristic rectangular beige iMac. Oh, and something about "Buck Alice And The Actor Robot" too. > I started halucinating within my dream. No, you started hallucinating within MY dream! -- K. YOU GOT YOUR HALLUCINATION IN MY PEANUT BUTTER!