Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 08:17:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > But you're saying to yourself, Dean, aren't you a scientist of some sort? > > And I come back with: NO! HOW MANY TIMES AM I GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU > > THIS!!! I'M AN OPERATIONS GUY, NOT A SCIENTIST. (Did you see this Matt?) > > I will keep calling Dean Lenort a NASA scientist for as long as Kibo keeps > calling me a nucular physicist, which I never was, and besides now I'm not > even a scientist either, and it can be argued I have never been a > scientist Hey, I never said you were a REAL scientist. Just a NUCLEAR PHYSICIST. You're no rocket scientist! Now, Dean Lenort and Robert Lindsay, they're rocket scientists, unlike you, you rocket pseudoscientist! You'll never be half as rocket sciency as they are! They're card-carrying members of NASA, a government agency so secret that not even Marilyn Vos Savant can get in! You should see how confused the counter people at the NASA Taco Bell act when Dean and Robert walk up to the counter and give their orders in those big sciencey two-syllable words all scientists use that normal people on TV sitcoms can't understand, you know, like Tony Danza. > because by the definition of the Captain Video Scientist Club > you're not a scientist unless you (A) are doing active published research > and (B) have a PhD, and I have never fulfilled both of these conditions at > the same time. Yeah, they made you give back your PhD when they realized that you cheated by building a time machine to look at the answers in advance. > > The teacher, Georgia Triantifalo (one of the few teachers whose name I > > can remember) would simply write the text from the text book on the board > > for her lectures. Truly inspiring. > > I had a teacher in high school whose lectures consisted of reading the > textbook aloud, with great emphasis put on random words. She said she > was "teaching us how to read a math textbook." She had a thriving > business as a real estate agent and did some teaching on the side. Golly. Now that is a horrifying story of a teacher so sterile and loveless that she should be a question on the SAT, namely Al Gore : Tipper Gore :: Tipper Gore : ____________________ NOW PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN. UNLESS YOU'RE IN SPACE, WHERE THERE IS NO DOWN, SO JUST THROW YOUR PENCIL INTO THE SUN. -- K. Matt, it's time for the "Let your conscience be your guide!" story again. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com E Teflon Piano (etp@The-Institute.firm) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > PS #3: Did I mention recently that there are an awful lot of people out > > there that can't tell what Swiss cheese, mozzarella cheese, provolone, > > or American cheese -taste- like? And that all of them live in this town? David, this is why I don't eat at the Subway you work at. All because of your "HA HA I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS WHAT KIND OF CHEESE I HID SOMEWHERE IN YOUR FOOD!" policy. I am boycotting Subway until they stop serving cheese! > Not surprising, because what most Americans expect out of cheese is > *mildness*. I saw a packet of jalape–o seeds at Home Depot that said: MILD JALAPE„O / CHILI PICANTE ...which implies that Americans think hot peppers are mild but Mexicans think they're hot. This strikes me as weird. I mean, I can't imagine Americans thinking a green bell pepper is mild, let alone a medium-strength one like a jalape–o! Here is how I would fix the label: DEADLY NUCLEAR RED HOT GREEN PEPPERS / CHILIS POR LOS QUE NO SON MACHO We could apply a similar bilingual label to cans of tripe stew that would be too tripey for Americans and too non-spicy for Mexicans: EWW, GROSS, IT'S GOT TRIPE IN IT / MENUDO POR MENUDO > So, really what they're after is texture and color. When > you dumb-down cheese for the average Uhmerican, you get a *slightly* > salty blob of whitish stuff smelling vaguely of the cologne of the last > person who handled it. Yet another reason I won't eat at David's Subway. Everything tastes like a mixture of Hand Sanitizer, except for the flattened pitas which taste like Foot Sanitizer. > In which case, no difference among Swiss, mozzarella or provolone, > except for the degree to which it has the consistency of Pla-Doh. I prefer to think of American imitations of cheese as being like Starburst candy only without the pleasant artificial candy flavor and substituting instead artificial vomit. > Stilton. Now there's a cheese. The irony is that I'm just about to be asked whether I want the chicken or the steak on this plane and I don't know the details of the meals except that one has some sort of chicken in it, and if my tray comes covered with Subway-style hand-sanitizer-flavored Stiltonoid, I'm going to give you people such a thrashing. [a short time passes] Okay, I've just eaten the meal. It broke down thusly: * Half a chicken breast, in some sort of Marsala-style sauce. This wasn't bad. It was almost cooked all the way through. * Rice pilaf. The best part. You can't screw up rice. Unless it's Minute Rice. Which, thankfully, this wasn't. * Sliced baby-carrot-style carrots. You know, those ones where they take a real carrot and abrade it in a rock tumbler until it's this little round orange Vienna sausage-shaped carrot bit that's supposed to fool you into thinking it's a tender baby carrot and not a cross-section of the toughest part of a big old carrot. And then they sliced these up just to eliminate the point of that. * Little square of chocolate cake with tan frosting. Mmm. Frostingy. * World's smallest kaiser roll (the wrapper plainly said "Kaiser Roll", but this was definitely smaller than a White Castle bun. Also the ingredients listed a "DOUGH OCNDITIONER". I wonder if this is their attempt to get me used to the Government's New Orthography through Pavlovian ocnditioning. and... and... * A salad COVERED WITH TRANSPARENT CHEESE! And a little tub of Caesar dressing. I don't know what kind of shredded cheese was all over my salad, but I sure could see through it. I think maybe it was pickled coconut being passed off as cheese. So, now I'm mad at you people for making the Hivemind try to make me eat cheese by talking about cheese while I'm trying to sit here on an airplane and not be trapped inside a Boeing 757 with lame fake cheese which is even worse than real cheese! And stop with the DOUGH OCNDITIONER already. THE ENB. -- K. I like how the flight safety instructions are now a videotape with incidental music and camera-crane moves inside the plane. Which seat has the camera crane stored underneath? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 02:47:12 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Matt, it's time for the "Let your conscience be your guide!" story again. > > Not much of a story, more of a disturbing little anecdote. Oh. Okay, then don't tell it. > My mother had an elementary school teacher who liked saying "Let your > conscience be your guide!" at inappropriate moments. She started saying > it more and more, and acting more and more generally disturbed, until, one > day, she was literally dragged out of the classroom during class by men in > white coats who took her to The Loony Bin and she was never seen again. > My mom usually re-enacts her screaming "Let your conscience be your > guide!" as they haul her away, but I do not know whether this detail is > realistic. You once said she (the teacher, not your mom) was standing on the desk yelling "Let your conscience be your guide!" over and over. Did your mom re-enact the standing-on-the-desk bit, or was it more of just a vocal impression? > Then my mother became a psychologist. And I hope she made sure to never, ever let her conscience be her guide! -- K. I had the teacher who wigged out whenever she encountered the word "snow", so we always wrote "SNOW" on the blackboard in huge letters the moment she left the room for more caffeine. Come to think of it, I don't believe I had any sane elementary school teachers. Well, there was one guy who was kind of nice, but I think that means he was probably a pedophile. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:29:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I've always wanted to understand cheese better. (TRUMPET FANFARE) TRUMAN BRADLEY Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Even to this day, scientists are still endeavoring to understand cheese. Let's watch. PETER GRAVES (sticking electrodes into a cheese wheel in a cage) Hello, cheese. Hello, cheese. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Is anyone in there? TRUMAN BRADLEY That's all we have for tonight. Tune in next week for another thrilling tale from the world of fiction and science, followed by another twenty-nine minutes of commercials. Good night. (TRUMPET FANFARE) > Once at the Cooperstown restaurant (double-entendre because it was > both baseball-themed and owned by Alice Cooper), I ordered a burger with > blue cheese. And I found I didn't like blue cheese, at least the kind > they used there. Was it the kind with blue spray paint on it, or just the blue slime mold fungus microbes eating it and excreting blue poop all over it? Was it left over from the making of "Sleeper"? > I like pepper jack, but it's just the play-doh cheese you mention with > little peppers inside. Good stuff though. I wish I liked cheese enough that I could actually put some into my mouth once in a while to be able to describe exactly how horrible I find the taste, except that I consider cheese to be so revolting that refuse to ever taste it again because it tastes so bad. > Once, at my aunt's boyfriend's Christmas party, there was some brie with > this topping on it... that was excellent. Cheese with a topping that tasted good? It must be new Cheese Antidote. Completely cancels out the taste of cheese. Then you just put a topping on the topping and it tastes like the top topping, thanks to the antidotal action of the topping in the middle. > But, whenever I'm in the grocery store, I usually am unadventurous with > the cheese I try, and I bet that's because non-playdoh cheese is > EXPENSIVE. And besides, real Play-Doh tastes (and especially smells) a million times better than cheese. Blue Play-Doh is a TRILLION times better than blue cheese. It's a good thing that the "Wacky Scents" Play-Doh assortment includes "Pinktastic", "Explorange", and "Shaving Cream Scented" but not "Cheez Whizard". > I wonder how the French reacted to that Seinfeld episode where George > wants to take a hunk of cheese and just "bite into it, like it was an > apple." It must have been funny, because I don't recall the French giving Jerry Seinfeld a bunch of medals. -- K. I wish they loved ME in France. Except for the frotteurs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird Dream w Kibological Content Date: Thu, 3 Feb 2000 08:28:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > [in a wacky dream] > > Someone was passing around a long pipe that was giving off copious > stinky black smoke. They said they were smoking asfoetida. See, this is why they still sell Sen-Sen. It's the breath freshener which is a joy to use after smoking asafetida. Did you do it the cool way, by putting the asafetida inside a cigar that you smoked sideways? > I decided I'd go ahead and try a few puffs, since I'd read Kibo's > account of smoking asfoetida and it seemed okay. DEAR ALL THE KIDS IN THE WORLD, SMOKING ASAFETIDA IS OKAY. SMOKING EVERYTHING ELSE IS WACK! YOUR PAL, KIBO THE COOL CARTOON CHARACTER WHO MAKES YOU NOT SMOKE BAD STUFF. > The blobs were Amazon tree-octopus brain parasites. > Someone tried to slip one in my ear and I said, "No way, > man!" But it was already in my ear and I screamed, "Get it > out! Get it out!" A friend pulled it out with a tweezers, > and I started lecturing about never giving anyone drugs > without there permission, but the green blob started to > have effect. And then you started talking like Walter Koenig, and you got shorter and developed a terrible toupee, and became friends with Harlan Ellison, then you woke up screaming. Then DeForest Kelley bent over you and asked what your rank was and you said "Admiral" and then Scotty saved the whales with his futuristic rectangular beige iMac. Oh, and something about "Buck Alice And The Actor Robot" too. > I started halucinating within my dream. No, you started hallucinating within MY dream! -- K. YOU GOT YOUR HALLUCINATION IN MY PEANUT BUTTER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird Dream w Kibological Content User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Edward A Lowther (eal34@ciao.cc.columbia.edu) wrote: > > Well, speaking of dreams. > I had a dream, a wonderful dream. > There were people in the park, playing games- > Wait. No. Actually, all I can remember was a lot of shoe-polish cans, > and all that shoe-shiny equipment, including rags. I felt, I felt an > urge to use all that stuff. > > I'm sure there's a message in there somewhere, and not about my sneakers. Did it end with you rolling around in one of those kiddie wading pools shaped like a giant concave turtle after you dumped fifty cans of shoe polish into it? If so, you better copyright your dream real fast before anyone else thinks of it. -- K. Mike Jittlov's already copyrighted the dream where the shoe polish cans dance around with some camera tripods. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: bees have nets now? Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 08:06:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com l'AFP wrote: > > ASUNCION, Feb 3 (AFP) - A swarm of bees left an ice cream vendor > dead and seven amateur football players badly injured, when a stay > football hit their net, disturbing them, police in southern Paraguay > said Thursday. Well, serves them right for playing football where the bees were trying to play volleyball! > Luis Retamar, 60, set up his ice cream stand late Wednesday on > the sidelines of a pitch at a children's football match in San > Josemi, Ayolas, close to the Yacyreta dam and some 450 kilometers > (280 miles) from Asuncion. > When the ball smashed into the bees' nest just behind him, > Retamar threw down the ice cream "MOMMY, I FREW DOWN ALL OVER MY SHOETH!" -- a lost episode of "The Family Circus" > and ran into the nearby cemetery, where he died of repeated bee stings. > Seven of the young players were taken to the local health center > also suffering from stings, according to the daily newspaper Ultima Hora. If we were to crossbreed bees with fish, would they travel in swarms or schools? -- K. Also, they forgot to say whether the killer bees were honeybees or bumblebees! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sony just called me a girl! Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 23:36:06 GMT Z-Newsreader: EASDAQ-NewsWatcher 1.6.3 Y-Newsreader: PU-NewsWatcher 7.1.0 Organization: welcome datacomp And you thought the iBook was a silly girly-looking thing for girls even though it didn't say it was for girls even though it was. We men can spot a girly girl thing a mile away. Even when they don't warn us. Now comes a new wave of consumer electronic products specifically for girls. In this case, Sony's warning all the men in the world that the girls are now running the asylum and Sony is devoting itself to the girls of the world. "What kind of Psyc girl are you?" asks Sony's latest division, http://www.sel.sony.com/SEL/consumer/psyc/ HELP! SONY SAYS I HAVE TO CHOOSE TO BE SOME TYPE OF GIRL! Wow, those things are ugly. (The Psyc Walkmans, not the concept of girls.) It used to be that stuff for girls was pastel. Now Sony had decided that Walkmans just for girls must be swirly vomit colors with random polygons and tubes sticking out of them. "GIRLS LOVE THE DESIGN OF THE JARVIK-7 ARTIFICIAL HEART, SO THEY'LL LOVE OUR NEW PSYC WALKMAN!" And I like how they have a model specifically for each possible (male) stereotype of teenage girls: the "Most Popular" girl, the plain girl, the tough girl, the nerdy girl, and the lesbian. ("...it's the perfect fashion accessory for most lifestyles," Sony says as they sock it to those uncool Amish people who have a non-Walkman lifestyle.) Psyc for perky blonde sluts with giant lips and zebra-print hookerish miniskirts ("Stephie"): > > It's not as if Stephie needs to be introduced. Voted "Most Popular," > Stephie's star sure is hitched to something special. With her swank > Sony Psyc Portable Player slung stylishly over her shoulder she's always > ready for her closeup. Tuned to the latest songs that fuel her steady > career as a teenage superstar, Stephie, like her Sony Psyc Portable Player, > never misses a beat. Let's just hope that Stephie never takes a ride on the Starship Enterprise, because Yeoman Rand was once named "the Enterprise's most popular crew member", and it would be a terrible thing to see a catfight between oh-so-popular Stephie and checkerboard-headed Yeoman Rand over who's the ship's slut. Actually, I think that was Gene Roddenberry's private fantasy, plus there were some bright red terry-cloth panties involved and a box of checkers, but I won't mention that here because he never told anyone about it. Psyc for Plain Janes ("AJ"): > > AJ's au natural look serves as the perfect foil for someone who snagged > the lead role in Romeo and Juliet. If she's not rummaging through the > racks of the costume shop, she's plugged in to her Sony Psyc Portable > Player - it's the perfect prop for any scene. Rumor has it that she's > taped her lines, but her Psyc is totally committed to the new Mandy Moore > release! And if you buy one of these units, YOU SHOULD BE COMMITTED TOO!!! Psyc for the bespectacled smart, creative, nerdy, dark-haired type ("Margo"): > > With caustic wit and artistic savvy, Ms Margo shirks the limelight in > favor of the director's chair. Get ready Sundance, this artist gets her > inspiration from all sorts of places: the cool tunes on her swank Sony > Psyc Portable Player, a local fashion show and even the dogfight down the > block. Soundtrack compliments of Sony Psyc Portable Player. No editing > required. I like how her model has a "bumper guard" sticking out of each corner because they know that she's going to do "The Bump" in that stylish Harvest Gold-colored granny dress and platform shoes. NERDS ARE SO RETRO! Psyc for the camo-wearing tough tomboy ("Olive"): > > If you drop in the Newspaper room between class, you might just find Olive > slinking around the photocopier. Always prepared, she figures five copies > of the hall pass are better than one. Fueled by the cool rhythms of > hip-hop and drum 'n bass, Olive quietly wreaks havoc on the powers that > be. Lucky for her, Sony Psyc Portable Player detaches for a clean getaway. "But, Principal Bechler, Sony *said* I was supposed to make fake hall passes or I wouldn't be cool." "Well, it's okay then. Hey, wait! You're not wearing Desert Storm surplus pants! You're not an Olive, you're a Margo! You're expelled!" Psyc for the completely androgynous-looking, androgynously-named lesbian ("Chris"): > > Talk about color coordinated! Chris has a stack of red cards to match her > fiery red hair and her swank Sony Psyc Portable Player. Funky and > fearless, this star striker led her high school to the state finals. A > team player 'til it comes to the stereo, Chris outsmarts the soccer > carpool with her Sony Psyc Portable Player. I mean, isn't it a documented > fact that easy listening is bad for your game? Remember, there's a difference between lesbians and tomboys. Tomboys have a square Walkman. Lesbians have a rectangular Walkman. And no matter which of Sony's stereotypes you are, you can express your ultimate individuality by choosing which of the five shapes of Psyc Walkman is just right for you! Each comes in two color schemes, namely purple and indigo, to give you even more artistic freedom to be yourself by buying a Walkman! Just think, once all the other girls in school have picked out their Psyc Walkmans, you'll all be different in exactly the same way! Remember when your Walkman didn't care what gender you were, and certainly didn't ask whether you were a slut? Also, why don't any of the extremely white cartoon stereotypes have any body piercings? I thought they were supposed to be hip! All teens are required to have lots of piercings if they want to be really hip these days! If you don't believe me you can look it up in the Constitution, in the part about the Dress Code! I like the fact that they still refer to the things as "Walkman" units despite the fact that THEY'RE FOR GIRLS!!! What's next, "Walkgirl" players for men? "Walkgeezer" boxes for toddlers? "Walknun" units for paramecia? -- K. Then if you want the ultimate in Sony's current family of goofball products, this one presumably for older, not-specifically-female folks, see my next post, about Sony's $800 picture frame. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sony's picture frames cost as much as their cameras. Date: Fri, 4 Feb 2000 23:57:09 GMT Z-Newsreader: EASDAQ-NewsWatcher 1.6.3 Y-Newsreader: PU-NewsWatcher 7.1.0 Organization: welcome datacomp Sony's latest technical coup, heavily advertised in airline magazines and other places read by people who spend lots of money but aren't smart enough to pick out their own magazines, is this brilliant way to get people to spend $900 on a picture frame: http://www.sel.sony.com/SEL/consumer/dimaging/browse_the_products/cyberframe_viewer/cyberframe_models/phd_a55/index.html (...and also to buy a wider screen so they can see 120-character URLs.) > Sony's new CyberFrame is a video picture frame that will display your > favorite still images or MPEG movies stored on Memory Stick(TM) digital > storage media. A Memory Stick is like a peppermint stick only without the peppermint. But you still get the stick. Sony would love very much to give you the stick! > Video Photo Frame > Now you can have several images displayed in one full color, large 5.5" > LCD constantly running in slide show mode. Wow! Now at last we have the technology to not only make our picture frames give off glowing fluorescent light, but also to blink on and off all night! > Memory Stick Storage Media > CyberFrame is unique in that it uses Sony's new storage media, Memory > Stick, as its source. OUR PRODUCTS ARE BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE ONLY OUR PRODUCTS TAKE NEW ELASTIC HELIX DATA CORES WHICH DON'T FIT IN ANYTHING MADE BY ANYONE ELSE. This is a selling point> > Memory Stick storage media is available in several different capacities > currently ranging from 4MB to 16 MB. Unlike regular photo albums, where adding storage for sixteen megabytes of photos requires buying an extra page. > JPEG or MPEG Playback > Sony's CyberFrame will play back file formats such as JPEG or MPEG from > any Sony Digital Camera or Handycam Camcorder that uses Memory Stick > storage media. Waah! Now I have to throw out my Sony camera that takes floppy disks and my Sony camcorder that takes videotapes! It would be so MUCH more useful to record video on a little plastic swizzle stick that fits only into VCRs I've never seen instead of VCRs that actually play back regular tapes! > Large 5.5" Active Matrix Color LCD Screen (224k Pixels) > Large, detailed images can be viewed on this full color Active Matrix LCD. > This 5.5" LCD is a great way to view all of your favorite images. Wow, five inches DIAGONAL! That's the biggest video screen I've ever seen sold for only nine hundred dollars! I bet one the size of a whole three-by-five card (5.8" diagonal) would cost over a thousand! > Built-in Speaker with Volume Control > Great for giving presentations, or playing back a voice-memo, or MPEG > Movie. The built in volume control lets you set the level of sound for > listening convenience. Yeah, as opposed to those REGULAR picture frames that JUST WON'T SHUT UP! > Slide Show Mode > Create a slide show of several of your favorite images. Get creative by > changing the intervals, (3 or 10 seconds, 1 or 15 minutes, or select a > daily setting). Select a repeat mode to have a set of images running > consistently. "I want you to look at my vacation photos... over and over... and over..." > Sleep Timer > Just one of the many conveniences Sony offers on CyberFrame, a sleep > timer. Select from a 30-minute or 60-minute setting. They provided this option in case some people might want to look at each of your vacation photos for more than 30 but less than 60 minutes. > Delete or Protect images > Decide which images you want to keep by using the 'protect' selection. > This will safeguard your images from being deleted. Unlike REGULAR picture frames where ANYONE can delete your photo or painting by double-clicking on it! > Conversely, delete images you don't want to save by using the 'delete' > function. Unlike REGULAR picture frames where you have to save ALL your photos FOREVER! (I think some people do think that is the purpose of photo albums.) > Index Mode > The Index Mode on the CyberFrame allows you to see 6 thumbnails at a time. > With the index mode you can have a visual display of what order your > images are in. Unlike REGULAR photo albums where you have to TURN PAGES! > Automatic Angle Detector BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... YOU ARE VERY OBTUSE... BEEP... BEEP... BEEP... > CyberFrame will automatically detect between Portrait and Landscape and > adjust the photo accordingly. WOW!!! IT'S SO MUCH WORK TO DO THAT WITH REGULAR PHOTOS! YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO MOVE A PIECE OF PAPER AROUND! IT TAXES MY TINY BRAIN! I CAN USE MY CAMERA BUT I STILL CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF "RIGHT-SIDE-UP"! > Touchless Sensor Unlike those REGULAR picture frames with a TOUCHY CENSOR! > This feature will turn your CyberFrame on and of with a wave of the hand. And if you have the Clapper, every time you turn your lamp off, it turns the picture frame on, and vice versa. > Print Mark > Use print mark to electronically mark images you want to print in your > Digital Photo Printer (DPP-MS300) WOW! WHEN YOU GET REGULAR PHOTOS YOU CAN NEVER PRINT THEM OUT IF YOU WANT THEM TO BE ON PAPER BECAUSE THEY'RE ALREADY ON PAPER! -- K. I can't wait for Sony to start making poster frames. Just think, 9" diagonal electronic poster frames for $3000. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I like most of Sony's products, but, their Web site... Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 00:05:10 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp > Dear Sony Homepage Visitors, > > Until recently, many computer programs were written to denote the year in > two digits instead of four. In these programs, the year 2000 will be > indicated as "00". Because the system may confuse "00" to signify the > year 1900 instead of the year 2000, some computers may malfunction. > The same holds true for some types of machinery and office equipment > that contain microcomputer chips. > > Sony recognizes the urgency of this problem and is making every effort > to ensure the reliability of all of our products as well as our internal > computer systems after the year 2000. We want our customers to use Sony > products without anxiety and our business partners to feel assured that > our relationship will not be interrupted. > > An investigation of our products for year 2000 readiness has revealed that > a few, such as certain models of video decks and video cameras, may have > timer recording or date indication problems. We are currently developing > appropriate countermeasures to ensure the continued reliable use of > these products. Damn! And I was planning on using my Sony camera to take pictures of the big Y2K celebration here two months ago! Now I'll have to travel back in time to ensure that my camera won't explode if there's ever another Y2K! Also, what sort of "countermeasures" is Sony developing to fix ten-year-old VCRs that display funny dates? Will they mail me the updated software on a floppy disk I can stick into my VCR? -- K. They have 7,000 products, change VCR models six times a year, and have the worst customer support on the planet. Do we really believe they will somehow magically alter the chips in all the ten-year-old VCRs out there? By the way, my Sony VCRs and digital camera all go to 2037. This is because I apparently got the Linux models. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: And another thing that bothers me... Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 00:36:35 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp I just quoted Sony's Web site, > > > Dear Sony Homepage Visitors, Another thing that bugs me: The word "homepage". Or rather, the words "home page". On the Web (where else?), "home page" has two meanings: 1.) The Web page that your Web browser shows whenever you start it up is your "home page". (It's usually some incredibly cluttered and overdesigned thing with lots of flashing ads and your horoscope and the weather in Yuma, if you didn't change it from the default that Netscape was paid to give you.) 2.) Any Web page devoted to some subject is "The _____ Home Page". In other words, every page on the Web is a home page in at least the second sense, and also in the first sense if I ever point my browser to it. So, let's stamp out this pointless terminology. Microsoft has already started saying "start page" for sense #1, and for sense #2 a suitable replacement for "The X-Ray Of A Cow That Swallowed A Barbie Home Page" would be "The X-Ray Of A Cow That Swallowed A Barbie Page". While we're at it, I'm going to issue a heartfelt plea for people to put reasonably descriptive titles on their Web pages. 1.) Titles should say what the page is about. This means actually typing something where it says "Type Title Here". Welcome to my home page <-- STUPID untitled <-- STUPID type title here <-- STUPID Page generated with gOlive cyBerstuDio <-- STUPID Fred Smith's page <-- NOT STUPID Fred Smith <-- MORE NOT STUPID (we know it's a page) 2.) Titles begin with the word that you want them alphabetized under: Welcome To The Exploding Potsticker Corp. <-- BAD The Exploding Potsticker Corp. <-- BAD Exploding Potsticker Corp. <-- GOOD ...of course, if computers were smart enough to understand that the word "The" is ignored when alphabetizing, the world would be a much nicer place. And we'd all get free candy from flying pigs, because everyone knows computers aren't capable of sorting things in any usable fashion. 3.) If your site has lots of pages, it helps to repeat the site name so that people can see what they've bookmarked: Page 75 of catalog <-- BAD ExploPotsticker Corp: Catalog: 75 <-- GOOD ...that way if someone bookmarks a couple different pages from your site, they will GO TOGETHER! 4.) Hey! Major Web browsers truncate the title to 63 or 47 characters! (The World Wide Web Consortium has said that's okay, suggesting 63. Don't ask me where one of the browser makers got the limit of 47.) Also, there are other places to put keywords (like in "KEYWORDS") and the full text of your site (like on the page). So: This page is the industry leader in producin... <-- BAD (chopped at 47) Potsie's Game Farm: Chickens,Ducks,Geese,Ost... <-- BAD (chopped at 47) Potsie's Game Farm: Poultry Products <-- GOOD (less than 47) There. I have just fixed the Web for everyone. You may thank me in the cash equivalent of the Nobel Prize I deserve. -- K. And doesn't it bug you when people post followups to their own articles? (Nobody could possibly comment intelligently on their own writings!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony just called me a girl! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > That's so insane. Yeah, I love those airplane product catalogs > > disguised as magazines. They have stuff in there that would send > > even Sharper Image into fits of chuckles. > > I want those cheezy inspirational posters with eagles on them that are > supposed to make your drones work harder, IN MY HOME! Okay, fine, I'll put some there instead of just giving you a pay cut. > Also there are whole pages of devices to work some individual tiny > muscle in your body, and whole pages of thinly disguised vibrators, You misspelled "force-feedback Microsoft joysticks". Have you seen the new one, the force-feedback seat cushion? I am not making this up. Actually, it's not a cushion, just a butt- shaped piece of vibrating plastic that you're supposed to sit on so that whenever your imaginary airplane gets blown up all your naughty bits get vibrated. I keep wondering why they don't make Web browsers and Usenet news reader programs interact with these vibrating digital erogenators. I mean, it's what people want out of the Internet. DIRTY STILL PICTURES ON A TEE-VEE SCREEN PLUS A VIBRATING CHAIR EQUALS JUST AS GOOD AS REAL SEX! OR AT LEAST AS CLOSE AS YOU'LL EVER GET, YOU SHARPER-IMAGE-BUYING-INTERNET-USING NERRRRRRRRD!!!!!! > and transparent bathing suits that you can TAN THROUGH! I would prefer a pink bathing suit that would itself get a tan. Plus that way people would think I were wearing a sexy see-through bathing suit but it would just be an ordinary thick pink vinyl suit with enormous genitals drawn on the front! Also it would have a waterproof pocket for my passport in case I accidentally swim to another country. > And lots and lots of tchotchkes that are the upscale executive version > of the Precious Moments Jesus 'N' My Kitty Figurine Collection. I'm waiting for the Precious Moments Jesus Is My Kitty Figurine Collection. -- K. I can't think of anything to put here. (I already used up the joke about the fake genitals.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony just called me a girl! Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 02:25:44 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And you thought the iBook was a silly girly-looking thing for girls even > > though it didn't say it was for girls even though it was. We men can > > spot a girly girl thing a mile away. Even when they don't warn us. > > Beware the Pink Aisle at Kay Bee Toys. DON'T go in the woods! DON'T answer the phone! and whatever you do, DON'T go into THE BARBIE AISLE! A film from the makers of "The Blair Witch Project 2". > > "What kind of Psyc girl are you?" asks Sony [...] > > > > It used to be that stuff for girls was pastel. > > Now Sony had decided that Walkmans just for girls must be swirly > > vomit colors with random polygons and tubes sticking out of them. > > Sony Psyc ad pitch guy: What we'd like to present here is the > absolute, say, "cutting edge" in the current trend of girl's reveling > in their own, say, "power". Mmmkay? And how do we do that, HOW do we > do .. that? With BLAM! In your face GRAPHICS with BOLD and EDGY > colors and designs to make you think "now THERE goes a super girl with > style! And she loves her Sony Phsyc!" I think the word you're groping me for is "sassy". Or possibly "flava" if you want to be black. > I had a bag of potato chips that had that same sort of idea going. > Has anyone seen Home Girls chips? No, but I've seen "Chumpies", the special potato chip just for homeboys. Isn't making separate potato chips for white and black people unconstitutional? I CAN'T BELIEVE GEORGE WASHINGTON FORGOT TO PUT ANYTHING ABOUT POTATO CHIPS INTO THE CONSTITUTION!!! > > Remember when your Walkman didn't care what gender you were, > > and certainly didn't ask whether you were a slut? > > I kept breaking them. Sony says that means you're a slut. > > Also, why don't any of the extremely white cartoon stereotypes have > > any body piercings? I thought they were supposed to be hip! > > Kibo, you know, that is SoooOOO twencen. Yeah, body piercings are out. Now what's hot are mental piercings. > > I like the fact that they still refer to the things as "Walkman" units > > despite the fact that THEY'RE FOR GIRLS!!! What's next, "Walkgirl" > > players for men? "Walkgeezer" boxes for toddlers? > > Okay this right here killed me: > > > "Walknun" units for paramecia? > > But maybe it's just because I find paramecia funny. The ironic part is that paramecia find nuns funny. "What's black and white and doesn't have cilia?" "A nun in a revolving door! Hahahahahaha!" > > Then if you want the ultimate in Sony's current family of goofball > > products, this one presumably for older, not-specifically-female folks, > > see my next post, about Sony's $800 picture frame. > > That's so insane. Yeah, I love those airplane product catalogs > disguised as magazines. They have stuff in there that would send even > Sharper Image into fits of chuckles. My favorite are the paranoid > items. You can get a Big Giant Fake Guy to Sit on Your Sofa and Make > it Look Like You're Not Alone in the House, for instance. I want to start an urban legend about the paramedics trying to resuscitate one of those guys for six hours and then sending the woman a bill for $500 with a recipe for Red Velvet Dr. Pepper Cake attached. Then they'd drive away in an ambulance with one tail light missing and they'd get arrested because they were driving barefoot. > It's like Popular Science Goes Bananas! It's like "Popular Science" only stupid! > I can't wait until Sony gets a contract with Sanrio for the Psyc. > > Say that three times. > No more. > No less. My Hello Kitty waffle irons still haven't shown up. Weren't you people supposed to buy me a few hundred dozen of them? I want to be able to make tens of thousands of identical waffles in parallel! -- K. And they must all be shaped like cat's heads! And the brain part must taste different than the rest! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: final message Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 00:50:46 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp In sci.physics, "Roger Kjżde" (rogerk@nvg.ntnu.no) wrote: > > just realized the only thing i was supposed to do was to make everyone > belive that using cannabis lets you talk to god,... > I where not stoned when i wrote this and the previus message,... > I have no longer access to cannabis,... i am commited in an psyciatric > instutuion,.... > > roger kjżde What previous message? Could you please repost the previous message? -- K. Why am I not surprised to learn that people in the crazy house are allowed to post to sci.physics? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: final message Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 01:09:24 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Why am I not surprised to learn that people in the crazy house are > > allowed to post to sci.physics? > > I thought they were forced to. I just had a great idea. I'm going to start a Las Vegas casino called The Asylum, with padded slot machines, cocktail waitresses who inject you with drinks against your will, and all the hidden security cameras will have flashing police lights around them making incredibly loud siren noises so you'll notice them. Also once you come into the casino you won't be allowed to leave, you'll have to either gamble or post to sci.physics. In fact, that will be an option on the slot machines: +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | S L O T S O ' S C I E N C E | | | | +-------------+-------------+-------------+ | | | | | POST TO | | | | LEMON | CHERRY | | | | | | | SCI.PHYSICS | | | +-------------+-------------+-------------+ | | | | Sorry, you didn't win. You must now post to sci.physics. | | | | TYPE YOUR MESSAGE HERE: | | | | Dear sci.physics, | | I am wrongly committed to a mental institution because I deserve | | the Nobel Prize for _ | | | | | | | | | | | +-----------------------------------------------------------------------+ I figure, hey, if people will go to an "Ellis Island"-themed casino, they'll go to "The Asylum". (Other possible names for my casino property are "The Crazy House" and a combination mad-scientist-and-cowboy-and-Indian "The Crazy Hourse".) -- K. And at Crazy Grandpa Munster's Kiddie Bumpercars you can drive The Crazy Hearse! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 01:44:11 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp l'AFP wrote: > > Subject: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners New Chimp With Real Rap Beat! City Drop Charges Against Owners, Chimp Throws Feces Against Owners. > WEST COVINA, California, Jan 29 (AFP) - Moe the chimp has beat > the rap, now that this city has decided to stop monkeying around "MONKEYING AROUND" HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT! > with his owners, their lawyer said Friday. > West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James > Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits, > filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria > Allred said. > Police Chief Frank Wills said the whole monkey business has > generated worldwide attention and driven him bananas. HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON'T GET IT! BUT IT SURE IS FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S GOT THE WORD BANANAS IN IT! THE MUTILATED FINGER MAKES IT EVEN FUNNIER! (Reporters attempting to be funny during news stories are much like doctors attempting to be funny during your vasectomy.) > "We're clearly losing the public relations battle," said Wills, > who has has received angry letters and e-mails lambasting the city > east of Los Angeles for prosecuting the couple. That's what they get for letting Koko the gorilla send mail from AOL. > "It's unwinnable ... If this was a pit bull, it would be a > different story." Oh, yeah, nobody likes dogs. But everyone loves monkeys, even though you can housebreak dogs. Ever notice that monkeys aren't intelligent enough not to poop in random places, and yet they're just intelligent enough to be able to rip off their diapers every five minutes? God made monkeys just to annoy people. And because he likes sitcoms. That's why he invented the monkey, the propeller beanie, and the tricycle. > Moe, 33, has been moved to the Wildlife Waystation near here. > Chief Wills said the Davises are still "legally prohibited from > bringing the chimp back" to their home. > He referred questions about why the case was being dismissed to > city prosecutors Martin Mayer and Michael Capizzi. Neither returned > calls seeking comment. > The couple adopted the now 90-kilogram (200-pound) chimp after > his parents were killed by poachers in Africa. > The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails > for candy. Ortiz is suing. She will have to prove in court that her fingers do not taste as good as candy. > "They are treating Moe like the Hillside Strangler," Allred told > the Los Angeles Times. Yeah, it's not like he ever strangled anybody. He just poked them in their eyes and it went "BOOP!" and then he died and then he appeared in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" standing perfectly still holding a fire hose next to the other two Stooges, one of whom was also a wax mannequin and the other was an extremely elderly Curly Joe, not even the real Shemp. > But it wasn't Moe's first run-in with the law. > Over the last three decades, the town's strongest primate has > attacked five people, including two police officers and an animal > control officer, Wills said. He only mauled FIVE people! Let him get at least two more before you throw the book at him! Whatever happened to the spirit of California? > "If it was an adult (human), it would have been arrested for > mayhem and assault," Wills said. "Lucky for him, he was an animal." Meanwhile, Bob Hope mauled several people, but it was okay because he's just a vegetable. > Then, there was last year's wild monkey chase. ...on pay-per-view! > Moe escaped from his backyard cage, and a police officer ended up > getting bitten before Moe was caught. Rule of thumb: Perhaps any animal that has to stay in a cage all the time is unsuitable as a friendly housepet. -- K. Okay, I'll make an exception for canaries. Providing you glue padded foam rubber clown noses over their beaks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Carlos Froggy May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > l'AFP wrote: > > > > > > West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James > > > Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits, > > > filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria > > > Allred said. [...] > > > The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails > > > for candy. Ortiz is suing. > > KiboChimp wants ALL THE FINGERTIPS IN THE WORLD. Also I'm going to mistake Sheryl Ortiz' last name for Orbitz. MMM! FUCSIATROGENICALLY GRAPELNEIGHBORBERRY NAILICIOUS! > > [...] > > > > Rule of thumb: > > HAW HAW! ...I don't get it. Waah! You're making fun of me for a lame joke I made by ACCIDENT! Please go back to making fun of the lame jokes I make on purpose! -- K. I like that we're not making fun of Gloria Allred because none of us know who she is even though she's all famous and stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lunar New Year becomes chic holiday for non-Asians to celebrate in US Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 02:41:58 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Coming to us from the AFP wire-service: > > WASHINGTON, Feb 4 (AFP) - The Lunar New Year, the highlight of > the Chinese calendar, has done what few other ethnic celebrations in > the United States have managed to do by jumping the cultural divide > and becoming a chic holiday for non-Asians here to celebrate. Waah! I sank all my money into Kwanzaa stock and now all the whiteys are buying into Chinese New Year! > "Asian culture for a certain section of the population is in > vogue -- be it Asian popular culture, Asian art, Asian food," > explained Saul Gitlin, director of strategic marketing services for > Kang and Lee Advertising, a subsidiary of Young and Rubican. Chinese food has NEVER been popular before! > "I think that the Asian Lunar New Year is already becoming a > chic thing to acknowledge and I imagine that trend will increase, > most notably in cities that have large Asian populations." You know, anywhere there's a good graduate school. > So on this weekend, many non-Asians will join Chinese, Korean > and Vietnamese Americans in enjoying a special meal, a colorful > parade, or just exchanging cards. And let's not forget the special fire drills. > "It's a fun holiday: there's great food, fun celebrations, it's > a warm holiday -- and it's coming at a time when there is no other > mainstream holiday around," Gitlin said. That Valentine's Day is too far out on the fringe! Let's celebrate Chinese New Year instead! > But what party-goers are just finding out about, US companies > have already researched. > [...] > Chinese language papers are filled with advertisements featuring > dragons, Internet web sites are promoting Lunar New Year cuisine, A WEB SITE MENTIONED SOMETHING! IT MUST BE HIP! That reminds me: I need to mention myself on my Web site another few hundred times. > mainstream newspapers are running full-page Asian food sections, and > greeting card giants like Hallmark Cards are expanding their lines. I can see Hallmark's sensitive Chinese New Year cards now. They'll be different from their "HA HA YOU'RE OLD AND FAT AND BALD AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN AND YOU'RE AN UGLY IDIOT" birthday cards in that they'll say "HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR" underneath the insult. (I hate Hallmark. They spend millions of dollars getting people to buy overpriced folded paper with insults printed on it. If you want that, for the cost of one card you could buy a whole BOOK of lame insults!) > "Last year we were offering eight cards, this year we are > offering 27 cards, and plan even more next year," said Kimberly > Newton, marketing manager in Hallmark Cards' ethnic business center, > Kansas City, Missouri. Hallmark is churning out lots of cards for a just-discovered holiday? Oh no! This'll displace production from all those other holidays that Hallmark didn't make up, like... um... okay, Hallmark made up all the others just to sell cards. Except Arbor Day. Jimmy Carter made that one up all by himself. > Hallmark imports its Lunar New Year cards from its Hong-Kong > based affiliate which produces a wide range of bi-lingual cards > featuring -- this year -- a lot of bright colors, mainly red, with > dragon motifs. > Anecdotal evidence, based mainly on card orders, shows that > "anyone who is culturally with it" is also buying the cards, > according to Newton. WAAH! I AM NOT "CULTURALLY WITH IT" BECAUSE I AM NOT BUYING ANY THREE-DOLLAR HALLMARK-BRAND PIECES OF FOLDED PAPER AT THIS VERY MOMENT!!! > "There is that cross-over appeal," she said. It lifts! And separates! > This New Year, ushering in the Year of the Dragon, is thought to > be particularly auspicious and Chinese, Korean and Vietnamese > American consumers here are expected to splurge on new clothes, lots > of gifts, and groceries for family reunions. Ah, that explains those sixty-dollar jackfruits at the Super 88. (The smaller of the two weighed thirteen pounds, at $4.25 a pound.) > "Not only is this the Year of the Dragon, but the beginning of a > new century and the beginning of a new millennium, making the year > 2000 triply lucky, an occurrence which happens only once every 6000 > years," explained Eliot Kang, president of Kang and Lee Advertising > and a leading voice on Asian culture in the United States. Okay, so after this month, you can stop it for 5999 years, Hallmark. -- K. Isn't Hallmark allergic to ragweed pollen, but only if it's misspelled? Matt McIrvin will explain the reference and then shout "601! 601! 601!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Notes from my life today. Date: Sat, 5 Feb 2000 08:33:55 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com 1.) Remember how I complained about having to replace my nice squishy 30-year-old foam rubber pillow with a stupid normal lumpy pillow? Well, right after posting that, after one night's experience with the normal cheapo pillow, I mail-ordered a foam rubber pillow from Florida (from a certain town controlled by L. Ron H., no less) and I've been very happy to have a fresh, non-rancid marshamllow pillow ever since ($35.) I also got a smaller travel-size one that can be rolled up and Velcro'd into a little tube. 2.) Today's Boston Herald newspaper headline: BOY, 4, KILLED IN FREAK SCHOOL ACCIDENT Well, although I feel sorry for any 4-year-olds who get killed for any reason... what were his parents EXPECTING when they enrolled him in a place with a name like "Freak School"? Also, the newspaper headline would have been five times as tragic if they had left out the second comma. Seldom have so many lives dangled from the hook of a comma! Newspaper headlines I'd like to see that would also become more horrifying if the comma fell off: YOU'RE SKINNY: EAT, CALISTA FLOCKHART AUTOBIOGRAPHY -- I KILLED, BOB HOPE PRESIDENT, HITLER DEEMED HISTORICALLY IMPORTANT 3.) I was cleaning my apartment today and I threw out the box of all-natural Dried Blood (yes, the box said "DRIED BLOOD" in 108-point Helvetica Black) that I had used to feed my bitter gourd vines last summer. I didn't want to just throw the heavy box in the trash, so I poured the contents into the toilet. I am now one of the few humans who can truthfully say, "I filled my toilet all the way to the top with blood!" The box only said it was "a by-product of the livestock industry", so I don't know whether I was throwing out cow or pig gore. By the way, dehyrdrated blood looks like those Oreo crumbs they make black pie crusts out of. 4.) I ran out of cans of the good kind of canned chili. Waah! You can't get the good kind north of the Mason-Dixon line! -- K. MASSACHUSETTS CHILI ISN'T THE BEST! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Warning! Warning! Kibo is back from Las Vegas! Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:23:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just flew back from Vegas, and boy are my arms tired! Unfortunately, the World's Largest Super 8 Motel (with attached Ellis Island restaurant/ casino which brews their own root beer) turned out to have a digital phone system (stupid modern discount motels) so, although I took all of last week's alt.religion.kibology articles along with me and composed a few dozen followups while on the plane, I haven't been able to upload them until now. And, of course, my offline newsreader is going to transmit them all with "Date:" headers that makes it look like I'm writing followups to last week's articles right now instead of last Saturday (Feb 5.) So, I just wanted to warn you that I'm about to post a whole lot of articles which may seem slightly stale. And will be tainted by having been written on an airplane -- any typos were caused by severe turbulence. I'll assemble a detailed multimedia presentation on what I did in Las Vegas when I've had a chance to recover (and to work on the orange cone stuff.) I took 445 photos and walked approximately 40 miles (just counting the outdoor part) in four days, so expect an insanely detailed report sometime. -- K. I saw everything in Vegas except that I didn't go into the Ellis Island casino to try the Super 8's house root beer. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hey Karlo User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:24:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > WHOOSH! NEW EXTRA-VICIOUS KONTEXT-AWAY RIPS OUT CONTEXT BY THE BLOODY ROOTS! > [...] > > (SFX: GIANT MARASCHINO CHERRY crushes Stan Freberg's skull) > > [...] KABONG! KONTEXT-AWAY CRUSHES ITSELF AND DELICIOUS JUICE COMES OUT! Karlo, I have this to say about the concept of crushing Stan Freberg with any sort of cocktail garnish that comes out of a slot machine: It's a concept! You should go with it! -- K. These drapes should also go with it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Brochure du jour User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:24:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "Industry analysts suggest that every 20 minutes someone using NT > has a fatal hard disk failure!" > > That guy had better stop buying cheap equipment. And cancel his subscription to Northern Telecom. They keep letting jagged bits with sharp edges come over your phone line and grind away the insides of your computer! Some of the stuff that's in some of this Internet porn is grittier than granola made from sand! -- K. When I was a kid we didn't make mud pies, we made pretend granola in the sandbox, because, hey, it was 1976! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Read this post in a mirror to find the subliminal message! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > I have to break in here to remind you all that Kibo is a badass. > Don't cross him or he'll beat the bacon out of you. "I'm gonna put you in the Bacon Chambers, fool!" > Then he'll put out his Marlboro in your ear as you lay on the pavement > bleeding and gasping for air. Then I'll sell you some air for a dollar. "Air USED to be free!" -- K. "Hey, who put the bee in YOUR balloon?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the hazards of the industrial kitchen User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > I was thinking about some stuff today. You know when you just sort of > think of stuff. It happens. > So I was a prep cook at several different restaurants a bunch of > whiles ago. And I was thinking today about how all the line cooks at > these respective eating establishments played the same type of music > in the kitchen. Hearing Seattle's Best Rooooooooockckck bounce and > echo through our stainless steel work area was unavoidable if you > worked anywhere near the front lines of food service. This is why I > know most of the words to popular ditties by such loveable > entertainers as AC/DC and Black Sabbath. > And heaven help you if you happened to be the scrawny little > dishwasher kid who didn't know that the cook's radio was off limits > and attempted to change the frequency. A string of obscenities larger > than David Pacheco's ego would ensue. Some noise which sounds similar > to when a metal half pan is hucked into the frame of a teenage boy > ensues. Little dishwasher kid would come skidding out of the line and > back into the soap sud pile. He wipes his brow with his cartoon-sized > orange rubber gloves. Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > This is the best Archimedes Plutonium fan-fic ever!! And then there was this girl who lived in this land it was filled with My Little Ponies only they were all her size but they weren't big and gross because they were all normal and in this land it was okay for kids to be the size of My Little Ponies and not be teased and the weather was always fun so you didn't need to wear clothes because they would cover up the flower tattoo on your rump and there were these two rivers and one was always warm and one was always cold and when you dipped yourself in them your tattoo would change color and everyone had hair that I could comb. THE END. That's the worst Archimedes Plutonium fanfic ever. I leave it to Matt McIrvin to write something exactly halfway between the best and the worst Archimedes Plutonium fanfic. -- K. AND, MATT, NO SLASHING! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Meme User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > I was reading the penfriends ads on Japan-Guide.com, and I came across > this ad, and lo! and behold! A new meme: DRUM ROLL, PLEASE! HERE COMES A MEME! > > Hi,I'm Japanese girl.No smorking& can't drinking any alcols... [...] > > No smorking & no drinking alcols guy. > > DAMMIT! I SAID NO SMORKING! And then I killed Colonel Sanders with a spork and went to jail because I ignored the "NO SPORKING" sign. I better post this before I read the followups because I don't want to have no not post this just because ten other people just made the same clang association. -- K. Membership in The Clang Association, five bucks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Please Help Me Make Fun Of This Guy User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com red (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > [while making fun of That Guy] > > NEWS HAIR DETECTED! On the Internet, tragedy struck today as another innocent Usenet news participant saw his reflection in his computer screen and realized that he, too, had developed News Hair. Frantically, he started up his Web browser to see if he could get Web Hair to cancel it out, but he had no such luck. He was eventually found dead from complications of News Hair, Web Zits, and E-mail Body Odor. -- K. I have lots of News Hair but most of it's invisible. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Doidy! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [on the subject of "doidy cups"] Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > So!! It seems that DOIDY is a REAL WORD! > > > > What? You mean Leader Kibo didn't invent it???? > > My faith has been shaken... > > Doidy is a real word NOW but that doesn't mean that > Kibo didn't invent it. Maybe he invented "DOIDY!" > and then the cup manufacturers STOLE IT! But I must > admit, the thought of people saying "Now drink that > out of your DOIDY cup, dear" is a bit strange. > Suddenly! Nothing happened! And then suddenly! Doidy > became a real word and THE WORLD CHANGED! There weren't any Web sites selling products named "doidy" anything when I started saying "doidy". Now there are. (I've mentioned this before.) I should have carved a tiny serial number into each "doidy" I ever said so I could see which one of them was stolen by which maker of sippy cups for spastic babies. I would also like to point out that I registered doidy.com long before they thought of my word, too. > > Xerox hands out docu-mints at trade shows. (100% true.) > > WAAAAAAAAHHH! YOU'VE BEEN TO TRADE SHOWS WITH MINTS AND > I'VE ONLY BEEN TO ST00PID OLD TRADE SHOWS WITH GURLS > WITH SHORT SKIRTS AND BIG BOOTS AND PLASTIC CLOTHES AND > SHINY SILVER CLOTHES AND hey that's not so bad! You forgot the purple "anti-static" wigs and the oddly puppet-like Ed Bishop. -- K. Why didn't the Mysterons even TRY to kill Captain Blue instead of wasting all their time trying to kill the guy that the title sequence kept telling us was indestructible? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sign of the times #727 -- digital lockers Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:37:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com At the Boston airport, the coin-operated lockers now not only have red and green lights to indicate which ones are occupied, but also have little computer display screens displaying the operating instructions (PUT BAGS INTO LOCKER. PUSH DOOR CLOSED.) A little stick figure who is you official digital representation here in the world of lockerland guides you through those tasks in your choice of ten languages. (The "choose a language" screen is represented by the stickman impaled by, or possibly just standing in front of, a diagonal flagpole flying the national flag of Question Markansas.) ________ / / O / ? / |/_______/ PUSH DOOR CLOSED >-+-< THEN HAVE FLAG /| REMOVED BY A DOCTOR! // \ /_| |_ In Las Vegas, they have the same lockers (with the same ten buttons to select languages) but the picture of the guy impaled on the flag isn't shown. I paid $9 to use one of these stupid lockers for an afternoon. (You have to either insert that much in quarters or your credit card to ever get your stuff out again, and who's going to have that much in loose change given that you have to walk past 500,000 slot machines to get to the lockers?) I figure that when the people who run those lockers empty them out every weekend they must collect lots of random suprises left there by people who gambled their quarters away. (I'd love to run a row of lockers. I mean, it's not like it would be a difficult job or anything.) -- K. Know why they've computerized these lockers? Because of that TV-movie where Gary Coleman was living in one of them. After fifteen years of research, they have finally harnessed the power of computers to make Gary-Coleman-proof lockers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Another word from last Saturday night's plane flight. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:42:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [I wrote this Saturday night, on the flight from Boston to Las Vegas.] ACK! THIS AIRPLANE IS MAKING ME WATCH A TRAILER FOR A BAD MOVIE REALLY LOUD! Of course, the trailer is letterboxed, and the movie isn't. Even though it's from The Creator Of Ally McBeal which automatically makes it classy. (It's the one about people playing hockey in their underwear, not the one about the giant alligator with Betty White as the toiletmouth.) I'm going to spend the next few hours reading alt.religion.kibology instead of watching the hockey movie. Last time I was on a five-hour plane flight, they showed "G.I. Jane" with all 500,000 machine-gun bullets replaced with silence:) MUAMMAR KHADDAFI I'll get you, bald American G.I. woman! (HE GRABS A MACHINE GUN, WHICH VIBRATES SILENTLY FOR NINETY SECONDS. SMALL PUFFS OF TALCUM POWDER COME OUT OF EVERYTHING BEHIND SIGOURNEY WEAVER, BECAUSE ALL THE BULLETS MISS HER BECAUSE SHE IS A WHOLE SIX FEET AWAY.) SIGOURNEY WEAVER Missed me, you big and total ! Now I'm going to throw this grenade at your ugly ! (SHE THROWS A GRENADE WHICH RELEASES A CLOUD OF TALC. KHADDAFI MAKES HIS GUN VIBRATE FOR ANOTHER NIETY SECONDS. THEN SHE THROWS ANOTHER GRENADE AND IT BOUNCES INTO HIS PANTS POCKET.) KHADDAFI Oh ! (A SILENT CLOUD OF TALC COMES OUT OF KHADDAFI'S BUTT.) [And then on the flight back to Boston on Tuesday night, they showed a really bad movie where Meryl Streep whipped a class of unruly young black whippersnappers into shape by making them play the violin.] -- K. Then they cut the scene where Khaddafi yelled "SILENT CLOUD OF TALC COMING OUT OF MY BUTT, MY ASS!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another word from last Saturday night's plane flight. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 07:08:27 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I don't know whether to be impressed or disturbed that Kibo doesn't > know the difference between Sigourney Weaver and Demi Moore. All bald women look alike to me, unless they're eating tubes of oil paint, in which case it's gotta be a Stanislaw Fernandez picture on the cover of _Omni_ magazine, unless it's one of Hajime Sorayama's paintings. At least you didn't make fun of the way I typo'd "shap" for "shape". Thankfully I can fix it now without anyone noticing. -- K. Stanislaw Fernandez thinks oil paint tastes sexy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Yay! Martin Landau's dream has at last come true! Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 05:57:16 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In the latest 7-Up commercial (presumably inspired by a certain Arthur C. Clarke story which Matt McIrvin will type in for your elucidation), The Annoying 7-Up Guy attempts to project the 7-Up logo onto the moon with a laser... AND THE MOON EXPLODES! If this commercial weren't _fake_, I would run right out and start drinking 7-Up until I exploded. -- K. If only they hadn't cancelled "Mr. Show" right after they did that sketch where Alexander Abian blew up the Moon.