Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Warning! Warning! Kibo is back from Las Vegas! Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:23:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just flew back from Vegas, and boy are my arms tired! Unfortunately, the World's Largest Super 8 Motel (with attached Ellis Island restaurant/ casino which brews their own root beer) turned out to have a digital phone system (stupid modern discount motels) so, although I took all of last week's alt.religion.kibology articles along with me and composed a few dozen followups while on the plane, I haven't been able to upload them until now. And, of course, my offline newsreader is going to transmit them all with "Date:" headers that makes it look like I'm writing followups to last week's articles right now instead of last Saturday (Feb 5.) So, I just wanted to warn you that I'm about to post a whole lot of articles which may seem slightly stale. And will be tainted by having been written on an airplane -- any typos were caused by severe turbulence. I'll assemble a detailed multimedia presentation on what I did in Las Vegas when I've had a chance to recover (and to work on the orange cone stuff.) I took 445 photos and walked approximately 40 miles (just counting the outdoor part) in four days, so expect an insanely detailed report sometime. -- K. I saw everything in Vegas except that I didn't go into the Ellis Island casino to try the Super 8's house root beer. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Warning! Warning! Kibo is back from Las Vegas! Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 08:25:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I just wanted to warn you that I'm about to post a whole lot of > > articles which may seem slightly stale. And will be tainted by having > > been written on an airplane -- any typos were caused by severe turbulence. > > Wait, I thought if you used your laptop on the plane, the plane would > EXPLODIATE!!!! No, that's only if I used my camera. Or as the stewardesses always call it, my Electronic Device. The planes I fly on have those GTE AirFones where you can plug your laptop into them and send E-mail through a satellite, except that you're charged $2/minute and they only go up to 9600 baud. (For those of you reading this in the archive in 2076, by the year 2000 nothing went slower than 50000 baud unless you were a homeless person with only a 2400 baud modem.) However, the manufacturer of my laptop computer has advised me that I must never, ever bring it on the plane with me because if the passenger cabin undergoes explosive decompression, THE SCREEN COULD CRACK! Dammit, if I'm on a plane that ever rips open in flight, I'm gonna be annoyed if my laptop gets a crack when I die! AND WHY WON'T THEY LET ME PUT MY LAPTOP INSIDE THE BLACK BOX? -- K. I took my laptop to Las Vegas mainly so I could read a.r.k on way out, and to catalog my new photos (445 from las Vegas) on the way back. Plus the in-flight movies were bad so I wound up playing lots of videogames on my lap. Fortunately, I remembered to bring all the parts (laptop, two batteries, battery charger, external floppy disk drive, lots of floppy disks, camera, two camera batteries.) I lived dangerously in not bringing a backup _camera_ but even though all the casinos had big "NO PHOTOS ANYWHERE, EVER" signs but none of the guys in blazers tried to confiscate it. Just that Ferengi, but I'll tell you about him later. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hey Karlo User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:24:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > WHOOSH! NEW EXTRA-VICIOUS KONTEXT-AWAY RIPS OUT CONTEXT BY THE BLOODY ROOTS! > [...] > > (SFX: GIANT MARASCHINO CHERRY crushes Stan Freberg's skull) > > [...] KABONG! KONTEXT-AWAY CRUSHES ITSELF AND DELICIOUS JUICE COMES OUT! Karlo, I have this to say about the concept of crushing Stan Freberg with any sort of cocktail garnish that comes out of a slot machine: It's a concept! You should go with it! -- K. These drapes should also go with it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Brochure du jour User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:24:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "Industry analysts suggest that every 20 minutes someone using NT > has a fatal hard disk failure!" > > That guy had better stop buying cheap equipment. And cancel his subscription to Northern Telecom. They keep letting jagged bits with sharp edges come over your phone line and grind away the insides of your computer! Some of the stuff that's in some of this Internet porn is grittier than granola made from sand! -- K. When I was a kid we didn't make mud pies, we made pretend granola in the sandbox, because, hey, it was 1976! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Read this post in a mirror to find the subliminal message! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > I have to break in here to remind you all that Kibo is a badass. > Don't cross him or he'll beat the bacon out of you. "I'm gonna put you in the Bacon Chambers, fool!" > Then he'll put out his Marlboro in your ear as you lay on the pavement > bleeding and gasping for air. Then I'll sell you some air for a dollar. "Air USED to be free!" -- K. "Hey, who put the bee in YOUR balloon?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the hazards of the industrial kitchen User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > I was thinking about some stuff today. You know when you just sort of > think of stuff. It happens. > So I was a prep cook at several different restaurants a bunch of > whiles ago. And I was thinking today about how all the line cooks at > these respective eating establishments played the same type of music > in the kitchen. Hearing Seattle's Best Rooooooooockckck bounce and > echo through our stainless steel work area was unavoidable if you > worked anywhere near the front lines of food service. This is why I > know most of the words to popular ditties by such loveable > entertainers as AC/DC and Black Sabbath. > And heaven help you if you happened to be the scrawny little > dishwasher kid who didn't know that the cook's radio was off limits > and attempted to change the frequency. A string of obscenities larger > than David Pacheco's ego would ensue. Some noise which sounds similar > to when a metal half pan is hucked into the frame of a teenage boy > ensues. Little dishwasher kid would come skidding out of the line and > back into the soap sud pile. He wipes his brow with his cartoon-sized > orange rubber gloves. Poot Rootbeer (poot@dork.com) wrote: > > This is the best Archimedes Plutonium fan-fic ever!! And then there was this girl who lived in this land it was filled with My Little Ponies only they were all her size but they weren't big and gross because they were all normal and in this land it was okay for kids to be the size of My Little Ponies and not be teased and the weather was always fun so you didn't need to wear clothes because they would cover up the flower tattoo on your rump and there were these two rivers and one was always warm and one was always cold and when you dipped yourself in them your tattoo would change color and everyone had hair that I could comb. THE END. That's the worst Archimedes Plutonium fanfic ever. I leave it to Matt McIrvin to write something exactly halfway between the best and the worst Archimedes Plutonium fanfic. -- K. AND, MATT, NO SLASHING! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Meme User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Pope Emperor FrogMaN (popellus_frogmannus@lart.com) wrote: > > I was reading the penfriends ads on Japan-Guide.com, and I came across > this ad, and lo! and behold! A new meme: DRUM ROLL, PLEASE! HERE COMES A MEME! > > Hi,I'm Japanese girl.No smorking& can't drinking any alcols... [...] > > No smorking & no drinking alcols guy. > > DAMMIT! I SAID NO SMORKING! And then I killed Colonel Sanders with a spork and went to jail because I ignored the "NO SPORKING" sign. I better post this before I read the followups because I don't want to have no not post this just because ten other people just made the same clang association. -- K. Membership in The Clang Association, five bucks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Please Help Me Make Fun Of This Guy User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com red (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > [while making fun of That Guy] > > NEWS HAIR DETECTED! On the Internet, tragedy struck today as another innocent Usenet news participant saw his reflection in his computer screen and realized that he, too, had developed News Hair. Frantically, he started up his Web browser to see if he could get Web Hair to cancel it out, but he had no such luck. He was eventually found dead from complications of News Hair, Web Zits, and E-mail Body Odor. -- K. I have lots of News Hair but most of it's invisible. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony just called me a girl! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > That's so insane. Yeah, I love those airplane product catalogs > > disguised as magazines. They have stuff in there that would send > > even Sharper Image into fits of chuckles. > > I want those cheezy inspirational posters with eagles on them that are > supposed to make your drones work harder, IN MY HOME! Okay, fine, I'll put some there instead of just giving you a pay cut. > Also there are whole pages of devices to work some individual tiny > muscle in your body, and whole pages of thinly disguised vibrators, You misspelled "force-feedback Microsoft joysticks". Have you seen the new one, the force-feedback seat cushion? I am not making this up. Actually, it's not a cushion, just a butt- shaped piece of vibrating plastic that you're supposed to sit on so that whenever your imaginary airplane gets blown up all your naughty bits get vibrated. I keep wondering why they don't make Web browsers and Usenet news reader programs interact with these vibrating digital erogenators. I mean, it's what people want out of the Internet. DIRTY STILL PICTURES ON A TEE-VEE SCREEN PLUS A VIBRATING CHAIR EQUALS JUST AS GOOD AS REAL SEX! OR AT LEAST AS CLOSE AS YOU'LL EVER GET, YOU SHARPER-IMAGE-BUYING-INTERNET-USING NERRRRRRRRD!!!!!! > and transparent bathing suits that you can TAN THROUGH! I would prefer a pink bathing suit that would itself get a tan. Plus that way people would think I were wearing a sexy see-through bathing suit but it would just be an ordinary thick pink vinyl suit with enormous genitals drawn on the front! Also it would have a waterproof pocket for my passport in case I accidentally swim to another country. > And lots and lots of tchotchkes that are the upscale executive version > of the Precious Moments Jesus 'N' My Kitty Figurine Collection. I'm waiting for the Precious Moments Jesus Is My Kitty Figurine Collection. -- K. I can't think of anything to put here. (I already used up the joke about the fake genitals.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Chimp beats rap as city drops charges against owners User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Carlos Froggy May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > l'AFP wrote: > > > > > > West Covina has dropped charges against La Donna and St. James > > > Davis of maintaining a wild and dangerous animal within city limits, > > > filed after Moe bit off the tip of a woman's finger, lawyer Gloria > > > Allred said. [...] > > > The Davises suspect he mistook Sheryl Ortiz' painted fingernails > > > for candy. Ortiz is suing. > > KiboChimp wants ALL THE FINGERTIPS IN THE WORLD. Also I'm going to mistake Sheryl Ortiz' last name for Orbitz. MMM! FUCSIATROGENICALLY GRAPELNEIGHBORBERRY NAILICIOUS! > > [...] > > > > Rule of thumb: > > HAW HAW! ...I don't get it. Waah! You're making fun of me for a lame joke I made by ACCIDENT! Please go back to making fun of the lame jokes I make on purpose! -- K. I like that we're not making fun of Gloria Allred because none of us know who she is even though she's all famous and stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com E Teflon Piano (etp@The-Institute.firm) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > PS #3: Did I mention recently that there are an awful lot of people out > > there that can't tell what Swiss cheese, mozzarella cheese, provolone, > > or American cheese -taste- like? And that all of them live in this town? David, this is why I don't eat at the Subway you work at. All because of your "HA HA I BET YOU CAN'T GUESS WHAT KIND OF CHEESE I HID SOMEWHERE IN YOUR FOOD!" policy. I am boycotting Subway until they stop serving cheese! > Not surprising, because what most Americans expect out of cheese is > *mildness*. I saw a packet of jalape–o seeds at Home Depot that said: MILD JALAPE„O / CHILI PICANTE ...which implies that Americans think hot peppers are mild but Mexicans think they're hot. This strikes me as weird. I mean, I can't imagine Americans thinking a green bell pepper is mild, let alone a medium-strength one like a jalape–o! Here is how I would fix the label: DEADLY NUCLEAR RED HOT GREEN PEPPERS / CHILIS POR LOS QUE NO SON MACHO We could apply a similar bilingual label to cans of tripe stew that would be too tripey for Americans and too non-spicy for Mexicans: EWW, GROSS, IT'S GOT TRIPE IN IT / MENUDO POR MENUDO > So, really what they're after is texture and color. When > you dumb-down cheese for the average Uhmerican, you get a *slightly* > salty blob of whitish stuff smelling vaguely of the cologne of the last > person who handled it. Yet another reason I won't eat at David's Subway. Everything tastes like a mixture of Hand Sanitizer, except for the flattened pitas which taste like Foot Sanitizer. > In which case, no difference among Swiss, mozzarella or provolone, > except for the degree to which it has the consistency of Pla-Doh. I prefer to think of American imitations of cheese as being like Starburst candy only without the pleasant artificial candy flavor and substituting instead artificial vomit. > Stilton. Now there's a cheese. The irony is that I'm just about to be asked whether I want the chicken or the steak on this plane and I don't know the details of the meals except that one has some sort of chicken in it, and if my tray comes covered with Subway-style hand-sanitizer-flavored Stiltonoid, I'm going to give you people such a thrashing. [a short time passes] Okay, I've just eaten the meal. It broke down thusly: * Half a chicken breast, in some sort of Marsala-style sauce. This wasn't bad. It was almost cooked all the way through. * Rice pilaf. The best part. You can't screw up rice. Unless it's Minute Rice. Which, thankfully, this wasn't. * Sliced baby-carrot-style carrots. You know, those ones where they take a real carrot and abrade it in a rock tumbler until it's this little round orange Vienna sausage-shaped carrot bit that's supposed to fool you into thinking it's a tender baby carrot and not a cross-section of the toughest part of a big old carrot. And then they sliced these up just to eliminate the point of that. * Little square of chocolate cake with tan frosting. Mmm. Frostingy. * World's smallest kaiser roll (the wrapper plainly said "Kaiser Roll", but this was definitely smaller than a White Castle bun. Also the ingredients listed a "DOUGH OCNDITIONER". I wonder if this is their attempt to get me used to the Government's New Orthography through Pavlovian ocnditioning. and... and... * A salad COVERED WITH TRANSPARENT CHEESE! And a little tub of Caesar dressing. I don't know what kind of shredded cheese was all over my salad, but I sure could see through it. I think maybe it was pickled coconut being passed off as cheese. So, now I'm mad at you people for making the Hivemind try to make me eat cheese by talking about cheese while I'm trying to sit here on an airplane and not be trapped inside a Boeing 757 with lame fake cheese which is even worse than real cheese! And stop with the DOUGH OCNDITIONER already. THE ENB. -- K. I like how the flight safety instructions are now a videotape with incidental music and camera-crane moves inside the plane. Which seat has the camera crane stored underneath? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 06:50:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The irony is that I'm just about to be asked whether I want the > > chicken or the steak on this plane and I don't know the details of > > the meals except that one has some sort of chicken in it, and if > > my tray comes covered with Subway-style hand-sanitizer-flavored > > Stiltonoid, I'm going to give you people such a thrashing. > > KIBO IS DOING AIRLINE FOOD HUMOR!!! KIBO IS DOING AIRLINE FOOD HUMOR!! Yes, that's what made it funny. Airline food jokes can go back to being the late Joey Adams saying "AND THEN THEY ASKED HOW I FOUND MY STEAK, AND I SAID I LOOKED UNDER THE BAKED POTATO, HAR HAR HAR!" > But it's OK 'cause he has a special dispensation due to actually > being on an airplane. > > > I like how the flight safety instructions are > > now a videotape with incidental music > > Let me guess... "Rhapsody in Blue," the Muzak Version? No, actually, it was some sort of parody of the theme to "The Critic" that sounded a lot like the theme to Woody Allen's "Manhattan". > Or are you not riding that airline? I wasn't, but I was humming it the whole time. Also, when I got to the Bellaggio, the computerized fountains were spraying garden-hose water into the air twenty feet high while loudspeakers were playing the "Beef: It's What's For Dinner" song. -- K. You're just jealous that you've never been beamed from the lousy Las Vegas Hilton "Star Trek: The Experience" ride onto the REAL Bridge of the REAL Starship Enterprise the way I have. Also, while I was in Las Vegas, dozens of beautiful women asked if they could get me drinks. But I decided it would be stupid to drink while playing the "Three Stooges" slots. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:29:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I've always wanted to understand cheese better. (TRUMPET FANFARE) TRUMAN BRADLEY Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Even to this day, scientists are still endeavoring to understand cheese. Let's watch. PETER GRAVES (sticking electrodes into a cheese wheel in a cage) Hello, cheese. Hello, cheese. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Is anyone in there? TRUMAN BRADLEY That's all we have for tonight. Tune in next week for another thrilling tale from the world of fiction and science, followed by another twenty-nine minutes of commercials. Good night. (TRUMPET FANFARE) > Once at the Cooperstown restaurant (double-entendre because it was > both baseball-themed and owned by Alice Cooper), I ordered a burger with > blue cheese. And I found I didn't like blue cheese, at least the kind > they used there. Was it the kind with blue spray paint on it, or just the blue slime mold fungus microbes eating it and excreting blue poop all over it? Was it left over from the making of "Sleeper"? > I like pepper jack, but it's just the play-doh cheese you mention with > little peppers inside. Good stuff though. I wish I liked cheese enough that I could actually put some into my mouth once in a while to be able to describe exactly how horrible I find the taste, except that I consider cheese to be so revolting that refuse to ever taste it again because it tastes so bad. > Once, at my aunt's boyfriend's Christmas party, there was some brie with > this topping on it... that was excellent. Cheese with a topping that tasted good? It must be new Cheese Antidote. Completely cancels out the taste of cheese. Then you just put a topping on the topping and it tastes like the top topping, thanks to the antidotal action of the topping in the middle. > But, whenever I'm in the grocery store, I usually am unadventurous with > the cheese I try, and I bet that's because non-playdoh cheese is > EXPENSIVE. And besides, real Play-Doh tastes (and especially smells) a million times better than cheese. Blue Play-Doh is a TRILLION times better than blue cheese. It's a good thing that the "Wacky Scents" Play-Doh assortment includes "Pinktastic", "Explorange", and "Shaving Cream Scented" but not "Cheez Whizard". > I wonder how the French reacted to that Seinfeld episode where George > wants to take a hunk of cheese and just "bite into it, like it was an > apple." It must have been funny, because I don't recall the French giving Jerry Seinfeld a bunch of medals. -- K. I wish they loved ME in France. Except for the frotteurs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird Dream w Kibological Content User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Edward A Lowther (eal34@ciao.cc.columbia.edu) wrote: > > Well, speaking of dreams. > I had a dream, a wonderful dream. > There were people in the park, playing games- > Wait. No. Actually, all I can remember was a lot of shoe-polish cans, > and all that shoe-shiny equipment, including rags. I felt, I felt an > urge to use all that stuff. > > I'm sure there's a message in there somewhere, and not about my sneakers. Did it end with you rolling around in one of those kiddie wading pools shaped like a giant concave turtle after you dumped fifty cans of shoe polish into it? If so, you better copyright your dream real fast before anyone else thinks of it. -- K. Mike Jittlov's already copyrighted the dream where the shoe polish cans dance around with some camera tripods. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Doidy! User-Agent: MacSOUP/2.4 (unregistered) Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:25:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [on the subject of "doidy cups"] Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > > > So!! It seems that DOIDY is a REAL WORD! > > > > What? You mean Leader Kibo didn't invent it???? > > My faith has been shaken... > > Doidy is a real word NOW but that doesn't mean that > Kibo didn't invent it. Maybe he invented "DOIDY!" > and then the cup manufacturers STOLE IT! But I must > admit, the thought of people saying "Now drink that > out of your DOIDY cup, dear" is a bit strange. > Suddenly! Nothing happened! And then suddenly! Doidy > became a real word and THE WORLD CHANGED! There weren't any Web sites selling products named "doidy" anything when I started saying "doidy". Now there are. (I've mentioned this before.) I should have carved a tiny serial number into each "doidy" I ever said so I could see which one of them was stolen by which maker of sippy cups for spastic babies. I would also like to point out that I registered doidy.com long before they thought of my word, too. > > Xerox hands out docu-mints at trade shows. (100% true.) > > WAAAAAAAAHHH! YOU'VE BEEN TO TRADE SHOWS WITH MINTS AND > I'VE ONLY BEEN TO ST00PID OLD TRADE SHOWS WITH GURLS > WITH SHORT SKIRTS AND BIG BOOTS AND PLASTIC CLOTHES AND > SHINY SILVER CLOTHES AND hey that's not so bad! You forgot the purple "anti-static" wigs and the oddly puppet-like Ed Bishop. -- K. Why didn't the Mysterons even TRY to kill Captain Blue instead of wasting all their time trying to kill the guy that the title sequence kept telling us was indestructible? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sign of the times #727 -- digital lockers Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:37:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com At the Boston airport, the coin-operated lockers now not only have red and green lights to indicate which ones are occupied, but also have little computer display screens displaying the operating instructions (PUT BAGS INTO LOCKER. PUSH DOOR CLOSED.) A little stick figure who is you official digital representation here in the world of lockerland guides you through those tasks in your choice of ten languages. (The "choose a language" screen is represented by the stickman impaled by, or possibly just standing in front of, a diagonal flagpole flying the national flag of Question Markansas.) ________ / / O / ? / |/_______/ PUSH DOOR CLOSED >-+-< THEN HAVE FLAG /| REMOVED BY A DOCTOR! // \ /_| |_ In Las Vegas, they have the same lockers (with the same ten buttons to select languages) but the picture of the guy impaled on the flag isn't shown. I paid $9 to use one of these stupid lockers for an afternoon. (You have to either insert that much in quarters or your credit card to ever get your stuff out again, and who's going to have that much in loose change given that you have to walk past 500,000 slot machines to get to the lockers?) I figure that when the people who run those lockers empty them out every weekend they must collect lots of random suprises left there by people who gambled their quarters away. (I'd love to run a row of lockers. I mean, it's not like it would be a difficult job or anything.) -- K. Know why they've computerized these lockers? Because of that TV-movie where Gary Coleman was living in one of them. After fifteen years of research, they have finally harnessed the power of computers to make Gary-Coleman-proof lockers! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign of the times #727 -- digital lockers Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 07:00:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com dphayes@my-deja.com, who has no Real Name, wrote: > > The old lockers were great for annoying your friends. > a) Insert quarter to release key. > b) Mail key and location of locker to friend. > > Optional: leave something in the locker I always thought it would be more fun just to buy all the keys for twenty-five cents each and just save them forever. Or better yet, to lock the key from locker #1 inside locker #2, lock key #2 inside locker #3, and so on, and then you'd only need to lose one key to ruin everything forever. -- K. Inventor of the pay-seventy-five-cents-per-half-hour time capsule. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign of the times #727 -- digital lockers Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 06:57:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > Know why they've computerized these lockers? Because of that TV-movie > where Gary Coleman was living in one of them. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > The Kid with the 200 IQ? I thought I had dreamed that entire movie. "RainyCyanide" (rainycyanide@geocities.com) wrote: > > You only wish. I was trapped in Hong Kong for four years with nothing to > watch but a tape of Amazing Stories and one Gary Coleman movie. The one > where he's a Boy Scout and Katherine Helmond, I think that's her name, > adopts him. > > I watched it so much the tape broke because there were only 4 channels and > two were in Chinese. Ironically, they were better than the English ones > that only showed reruns of Star Trek. On my first day back in America the > NEW AND IMPROVED STAR TREK was on and I was so confused that I cried. > That's all true. Except the part about Chinese tv being ironic. Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > This is the saddest story I have ever heard. Oh YEAH? Well, afterwards, Gary Coleman's gold-plated steamroller ran over Mr. Data's cat, Picard's goldfish, and a whole bunch of tribbles! I WIN!!! -- K. KIBO HAS WON THE PATHOS BOWL 2000! KIBO, NOW WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? I'M GOING TO GLOAT!!!! P.S. No jokes about William Shatner wearing a crushed tribble on his head. Anyone can see that's not REAL hair in his wig. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign of the times #727 -- digital lockers Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 09:56:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Sarah Cherlin (scherlin@pacbell.net) wrote: > > > > > > This is the saddest story I have ever heard. > > > > Oh YEAH? Well, afterwards, Gary Coleman's gold-plated steamroller ran over > > Mr. Data's cat, Picard's goldfish, and a whole bunch of tribbles! I WIN!!! > > Hmmm...snuff "Star Trek" fanfic...flatened tribbles...steamrollers... > No, I'm afraid I'd have to say that this is a happy story. And then a florist's delivery truck ran over the happy story and all who loved it. THE END I WIN AGAIN. > Maybe it would be better with some SAD FROWNY FACES on it, like this: > > :( <--This guy is SAD > > :) <--This guy is HAPPY!!! > > 8o <--This guy is a bowling ball. <-:(-----This guy just met Vlad The Impaler. (Not his cousin Vlad The Inhaler, who goes around sucking all the air out of parties.) > For a really sad story, I will post about what happened to my cotton > candy when I left it in the closet for a month. Did the moths eat it? To prevent that, next time mix some mothballs in with the cotton candy. Makes it taste kinda coconut'y and strawbana'y all at the same time. Now if you'll excuse me, "Jabberwocky" is coming on, which means it's my bedtime. -- K. WHAT IS MY CHAIR EATING UNDER THERE? AND WHY DOES IT KEEP SAYING THE WORD "IMAGE" AND SPELLING "LIGHT BULB"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Another word from last Saturday night's plane flight. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 03:42:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [I wrote this Saturday night, on the flight from Boston to Las Vegas.] ACK! THIS AIRPLANE IS MAKING ME WATCH A TRAILER FOR A BAD MOVIE REALLY LOUD! Of course, the trailer is letterboxed, and the movie isn't. Even though it's from The Creator Of Ally McBeal which automatically makes it classy. (It's the one about people playing hockey in their underwear, not the one about the giant alligator with Betty White as the toiletmouth.) I'm going to spend the next few hours reading alt.religion.kibology instead of watching the hockey movie. Last time I was on a five-hour plane flight, they showed "G.I. Jane" with all 500,000 machine-gun bullets replaced with silence:) MUAMMAR KHADDAFI I'll get you, bald American G.I. woman! (HE GRABS A MACHINE GUN, WHICH VIBRATES SILENTLY FOR NINETY SECONDS. SMALL PUFFS OF TALCUM POWDER COME OUT OF EVERYTHING BEHIND SIGOURNEY WEAVER, BECAUSE ALL THE BULLETS MISS HER BECAUSE SHE IS A WHOLE SIX FEET AWAY.) SIGOURNEY WEAVER Missed me, you big and total ! Now I'm going to throw this grenade at your ugly ! (SHE THROWS A GRENADE WHICH RELEASES A CLOUD OF TALC. KHADDAFI MAKES HIS GUN VIBRATE FOR ANOTHER NIETY SECONDS. THEN SHE THROWS ANOTHER GRENADE AND IT BOUNCES INTO HIS PANTS POCKET.) KHADDAFI Oh ! (A SILENT CLOUD OF TALC COMES OUT OF KHADDAFI'S BUTT.) [And then on the flight back to Boston on Tuesday night, they showed a really bad movie where Meryl Streep whipped a class of unruly young black whippersnappers into shap by making them play the violin.] -- K. Then they cut the scene where Khaddafi yelled "SILENT CLOUD OF TALC COMING OUT OF MY BUTT, MY ASS!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another word from last Saturday night's plane flight. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 07:08:27 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I don't know whether to be impressed or disturbed that Kibo doesn't > know the difference between Sigourney Weaver and Demi Moore. All bald women look alike to me, unless they're eating tubes of oil paint, in which case it's gotta be a Stanislaw Fernandez picture on the cover of _Omni_ magazine, unless it's one of Hajime Sorayama's paintings. At least you didn't make fun of the way I typo'd "shap" for "shape". Thankfully I can fix it now without anyone noticing. -- K. Stanislaw Fernandez thinks oil paint tastes sexy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Yay! Martin Landau's dream has at last come true! Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 05:57:16 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In the latest 7-Up commercial (presumably inspired by a certain Arthur C. Clarke story which Matt McIrvin will type in for your elucidation), The Annoying 7-Up Guy attempts to project the 7-Up logo onto the moon with a laser... AND THE MOON EXPLODES! If this commercial weren't _fake_, I would run right out and start drinking 7-Up until I exploded. -- K. If only they hadn't cancelled "Mr. Show" right after they did that sketch where Alexander Abian blew up the Moon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lunar New Year becomes chic holiday for non-Asians to celebrate in US Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 07:28:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Isn't Hallmark allergic to ragweed pollen, but only if it's misspelled? > > > Matt McIrvin will explain the reference and then shout "601! 601! 601!" > > > > Well ....? > > *sigh* > > This is another reference to Michael Crichton material. > > Both the book and movie of "The Andromeda Strain," a pretty bozotic story > that is nevertheless one of the least bozotic things Crichton ever wrote, > are dominated by lengthy depictions of decontamination procedures in the > radikool secret underground disease control base. > > In the book, a protagonist in the process of decontamination gets quizzed > by a computer program with a not-very-good speech recognition module > (though it would have been moderately futuristic for the 1970s) about his > medical condition. He is asked if he has any allergies and mumbles "Yes, > to ragweed pollen," which the computer interprets as "ROGEEN PALEN." > > At another point, there is a "computer simulation" of the reproduction of > the evil alien disease organisms from outer space, and they reproduce > beyond the ability of the simulation to represent them. The resulting > error message is a big flashing number "601." At the end of the movie, > the flashing 601 is used again as the obligatory monster-movie-style > ??? THE END QUESTION MARK ??? scare. > > Now you know. *SIGH* That was HALF of it, Matt. The "Hallmark" was the link between that and the thing we were talking about. See, in the book (and movie), the hero's name is "Mark Hall". The computer calls him "Hallmark" repeateadly (apparently they didn't have technology to parse last-name-first back then) during the scene in question (it's visible on the screen in the movie.) The film looks great in widescreen, 'cause it was directed by Robert Wise, the guy who first dared to use a fisheye lens in a real movie. Also he edited "Citizen Kane" (allegedly the best movie ever) AND played the neighbor in "The Stupids" (the movie that lost more money than any other!) Don't ask me why they changed "Dr. Burton" to "Dr. Dutton" for the movie, though. Or why they kept all the special effects Michael Crichton drew on his typewriter. (That movie needed a smilie.) Also, in the movie, they explain that the big flashing "601" means "The computer's overloaded!" which is because it was an early Power Mac. -- K. 615! 615! 615! ########## # ########## # # # # # ########## # ########## # # # # # ########## # ########## # P.S. Wise also directed "The Day The Earth Stood Still", "The Magnificent Ambersons", "The Sound Of Music", and for some reason made a "Star Trek" movie. In fact, "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" was the _last_ movie he directed. I suspect he retired to avoid ever accidentally making another "Star Trek" film. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Your attention please. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 07:32:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I have just stopped liking Beefaroni again. -- K. Apparently I only like them during odd-numbered decades. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.tom-servo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Please help me... Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 07:55:31 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Simon Clark 2000 (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > [Simon runs about panicking whilst a chimp rides around the room on a > > tricycle to wacky 70's disco music!] > > QUITE > RAPID > KAZOO > MUSIC. > > will you people learn? Dear Leah Verre, Martin Gardner called, Dr. Matrix wants his magic square back, and when you hand it over it better still contain all 26 letters of the alphabet and the date "1514" hidden at bottom center. -- K. Also, Albrect DŸrer says to tell Lucas Pacioli to give his quadrata back. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.tom-servo From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Please help me... Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 06:43:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > QUITE > > > RAPID > > > KAZOO > > > MUSIC. > > > > Martin Gardner called, Dr. Matrix wants his magic square back, and when you > > hand it over it better still contain all 26 letters of the alphabet and the > > date "1514" hidden at bottom center. > > > > -- K. > > > > Also, Albrect DŸrer says to > > tell Lucas Pacioli to give > > his quadrata back. > > Kibo, you win the prize for posting something so obscure and confusing > that I had to enlist the help of another kibologist to help translate. > We figured out who all the guys are (I already knew of Durer, though, > smarty-pants). After running around today for eight hours with a > giant flashing question mark over my head, I think I'm giving up. > Maybe Matt McIrving can explain. Maybe, but doubtful. He hardly even explains my stuff to the peanut gallery when _I_ demand he do it. He could do a great public service by spending all day translating my writings into Basic English, but nooooo, he has a stupid job and a lovely girlfriend and a slow modem. > But I'm seeing a lot of references to math and mathmaticians, and I'm > starting to wonder if you're not making fun of my slippery grasp of > science and numbers. Again. Leah, last month, when I took you and Tom and all those other people to Boston's Museum of Science, didn't you think it was odd that I went out of my way to point out the "1514" hidden at the bottom of DŸrer's "Melancholia" on the wall of "Mathematica" just so that then I could make fun of you a month later for forgetting about that? There's a mention of Pacioli on the wall to the left of it, although I think they only have DŸrer's quadratized capital "A" (as if you could have lowercase quadrata, Aldo Novarese notwithstanding) blown up on the wall. Hans "Giovanni" Mardersteig once made a nice typeface loosely based on Pacioli's quadrata. DŸrer's are overrated in my opinion (you can get "On The Just Shaping Of Letters" from Dover books, because they'll sell anything that's old enough to be public-domain and suitable for being cut up with scissors and pasted into your science fair diorama so that you have to buy another copy next year.) > -Lahe > A chimp will now come out on a tiny bicycle and ride in circles around > my office to quite loud and rapid kazoo music. Hey, you spelled Tycho Blahe's name wrong. -- K. Also, the word you were supposed to be groping for was "pajandrum". Now go pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: With reference to Bob Hope Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 08:05:51 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > Chris Franks (chris_franks@agilent.com) wrote: > > > > Peter Willard () wrote: > > > > > > Second, who has dibs on "Durian Grey"? > > > > You thought it, you bought it. > > Perfessor Benvenuto claimed it back in the Previous Millennium [...] Yeah, well, I dibsed it a couple years BEFORE the previous millennium, all the way back in 1997! [------------------------------ old article ------------------------------] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Date: Mon, 30 Jun 1997 19:39:15 GMT Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Short shameful confession: In college I once wrote a paper in French > comparing _Les Caves du Vatican_ to chaos theory. 50,000 puntos, a > kick in the groin, a subscription to _Mondo 2000_, and a durian facial. Dr. Matt McIrvin admits he has a face like a durian. Phlegm at 11. -- K. Now could someone please post an EROTIC GIF of DURIAN GREY? Picard: Facial! Durian Grey! Hot! Ow! Ow! Ow! Retch! Ow! Thank you, Mr. Data! [------------------------------ old article ------------------------------] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.sitcom, alt.culture.usenet From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Clive James presents: Fame in the Great Taste-Less Space Date: Thu, 21 Aug 1997 05:29:49 GMT E. Stephen Mack (estephen@netcom.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > | > | [Oh, dopey me. The reason my first two attempts to post this followup > | weren't propagating was that I didn't realize alt.usenet.manifestoes was > | moderated, so I'm reposting it without the FUN newsgroup included in the > | list.] > > Thanks for calling alt.usenet.manifestoes a FUN group. It's had lots of > FUN articles posted to it -- and I don't even know what FUN stands for. For Unlawful Nawledge, which was a law passed by Ernest P. Worrell after I tried to enter his "Count The Number Of Times I Say My Stupid Catchphrase In This Crappy Compilation Video Of Hundreds Of Identical Local TV Commercials" contest eight years after the deadline just to annoy him. > I'd have responded to your inadvertent submission to a.u.m. sooner, > except I'm busy writing a computer book. It's called: > "HTML I mean Web publishing for Really Really Insanely Stupid People > Who Are Complete Morons and Probably Are Too Stupid Too Read The Words > On A Page But Aren't So Stupid That They Wouldn't Buy 100 Copies of > This Book Since It Makes A Great Gift For Dummies" > (The sequel will be called "*More* of the Same HTML Carp.") > > Actually, that's what I *wanted* to call it. We had to call it > "HTML 4.0 For Lamebrains" for copyright reasons. > > But I think "HTML 4.0: Oh Dopey Me" is a better title. Not to be confused with "Oh! Dopey Pascal!" and "HTML 4.0: Sit On It!" > And then some editor renamed it after that. Now I don't know > what it's going to be called! I still remember being told that my "Usenet Is Your Friend" manuscript would be a better-selling book if it was "Kibo Says Usenet Is Your Friend". (Don't try to buy this book under either title. It has been broken up for parts, some of which you will see scattered about in other books.) > Now that I've confused automatic news-reading software by double-posting > a sig, I'll just point out that my stupid Kibo page which is even listed > in Yahoo (but not with a cool set of sunglasses next to it like Kibo's > sig does) has only two valid links on it now. There are about 16 > invalid links. > > My question to the tenets of alt.religion.kibology: > > WHY THE HELL CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR URLs STABLE? I once heard the average lifetime of a URL was 43 days. What I'd like to know is how we can enforce that. In other words, after a page says "UNDER CONSTRUCTION! WATCH THIS SPACE! HUGE FILE LIBRARY WILL APPEAR HERE WITHIN A WEEK! LAST MODIFIED 1/13/95!" for 43 days, its author should be given an electric shock while eating rancid Sour Patch Kids and standing in a puddle of Durian Gray tea, causing him to age backwards until he becomes an embryo which is then implanted into the body of Michael Jackson's wife. > Thank you and good night and something about Startrek Mentos Pantz (the > great German expressionist painter and paintball enthusiast) here. You forgot Martin Landau Mentos, the ones which make you feel like you're skiing down a hill naked while ruining an episode of "Space:1999"! -- K. I once ruined an episode of NBC's "seaQuest DSV". Well, it's not like you could tell. [------------------------------ old article ------------------------------] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: lawsuit on Dartmouth; reasonable Motions of Discovery Date: Thu, 29 Oct 1998 07:07:00 GMT Christopher Masto (chris+usenet@netmonger.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.stdwrote: > >HOORAY! ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM HAS DISCOVERED A WONDER DRUG THAT WILL > >SOLVE THE WORLD'S PROBLEM OF HAVING TOO MUCH CELERY AND NOT ENOUGH LETTUCE! > > I misread that as "...TOO MUCH CLERGY...", and somehow it made sense > for a few seconds. I think the "Beezus & Ramona" books would have been a lot funner if they had been written by Beverly Clergy. Beverly Clergy: Ramona asked Beezus, "Why did you take one bite out of the exact center of every apple?" Beezus giggled and said, "Because God said to." But no, the books were written by dumb ol' Beverly Celery. Beverly Celery: Ramona asked Beezus, "Why did you take one bite out of the exact center of every apple?" Beezus giggled and said, "Because I hate apples so I wanted to ruin them because they're not celery. AND I WOULDA GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT TOO IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR YOU MEDDLIN' KIDS!" -- K. What other children's authors are actually vegetables? Besides Daniel Pinkgrapefruit and Durian Gray. [-------------------------- end of old articles --------------------------] In 1999 I started writing a story called "The Picture Of Durian Gray" about this guy who spends his entire life not bathing but he smells okay because this painting of him stinks worse and worse, but then he rips up the painting and suddenly he turns into an overripe durian. But I stopped writing it because I couldn't think of a good way to pad it out longer than that sentence. -- K. I'll let you folks say "Durian Gray" all you want as long as you agree that half of you have to spell it with an "a" and half have to spell it with an "e". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: With reference to Bob Hope Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 06:33:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > KIBO! > You and Ted Frank killed Jim Varney! > > On Thu, 10 Feb 2000, James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > > > > > [about the meme "Durian Gray"] > > > > > > Perfessor Benvenuto claimed it back in the Previous Millennium [...] > > > > Yeah, well, I dibsed it a couple years BEFORE the previous millennium, > > all the way back in 1997! > > > > [--- old article ---] > > > > Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.sitcom, alt.culture.usenet > > From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) > > Subject: Re: Clive James presents: Fame in the Great Taste-Less Space > > Date: Thu, 21 Aug 1997 05:29:49 GMT > > > > E. Stephen Mack (estephen@netcom.com) wrote: > > > > > > Thanks for calling alt.usenet.manifestoes a FUN group. It's had lots of > > > FUN articles posted to it -- and I don't even know what FUN stands for. > > > > For Unlawful Nawledge, which was a law passed by Ernest P. Worrell after I > > tried to enter his "Count The Number Of Times I Say My Stupid Catchphrase > > In This Crappy Compilation Video Of Hundreds Of Identical Local TV > > Commercials" contest eight years after the deadline just to annoy him. Waah! Leah, you're right! I mentioned Jim Varney by his character name just before I heard he'd died ("KNOW I'M DEAD, VERN?") and I didn't find it while looking through my archive of everything everyone ever said to find all the mentions of Jim Varney because I figured that nobody, especially me, would have been rude enough to call that dead bozo by just his character name. So, to make it up to the dead lame-o that I accidentally insulted, I'll apologize to the world by explaining the chain of memes: 1.) "Great Taste-Less Space" was from a coupon I had. I think it was telling me I should eat bagged cereal because the packages were small because I got less cereal for the same price, or something. They obviously didn't know the difference between "-" and " -- ". 2.) "Nawledge" bridging to Ernest was because he once published an instabook titled "Ernest P. Worrell's Book Of Nawledge". I don't remember exactly what the contents were, assuming it contained any. 3.) The "FUN" acronym folk etymology is making fun of the bogus folk etymology of "For Unlawful Carnal Knowlege", which will now undoubtedly bridge to "Port Out, Starboard Home" by way of "One Step Ahead Of IBM". So, anyway, Leah, thanks for pointing out that I did indeed mention Jim Varney just before learning of his tragic demise. -- K. And yes, I still have Ernest's "Win $10,000" video where the goal was to enter some stupid contest by counting the number of times he says the same catchphrase in dozens of nearly- identical commercials (really, sometimes he did the same script twice for two products, and sometimes the two got onto the same videotape) and if you want to enter the contest, I think you just have to send in your entry by 1987. P.S. BOBHOPE BOBHOPE BOBHOPE BOBHOPE LALALALAL BOBHOPEBOBHOPEBOBHOPE ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological anagrams. Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 08:14:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > Anagrams for Kibo (James "Kibo" Parry): > > Jim, a pro sky bear. > OK, pry me, IRS, baja! > Jim Kerr spy a boa! > Skimp a Joe Berry. > Irk! My, a sparse job. > My job: A rear skip. > PBS: A rare Kim Joy. > > James Parry: > > ERR! SPAY JAM! Automatic anagram-generation programs are SO 1990's. Besides, "alt.religion.kibology" makes better ones, as I found out when I was playing with a few of them last week. Anagrams of "alt.religion.kibology" emphasizing A.R.K's graphic design: No-legibility A.R.K logo Relaying kilobit logo... boiling arty-like logo logo killing obit year grey Bikini Atoll logo And A.R.K's content: brilliant oily goo keg ilk log brain etiology originally took bilge trolling bookie gaily genial Kibo troll Yogi And A.R.K's sexuality: agilely Kibo onto girl Kibo into illegal orgy And other weird stuff: balloon girl, Yogi kite oily kola giblet groin I am currently drawing a grey Bikini Atoll logo. I want it to look like a nuclear explosion going off inside a see-through bikini, and also to be shaped like the word "ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY". I'm working on making it look good at 16x16 pixels. -- K. BAZOOMS GO KABOOM! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: This week's celebrities who died on alt.religion.kibology. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 05:43:45 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Doug Henning. Mentioned by Kibo on February 7, 1994. ("Doug Henning, world's greatest politician.") And again on September 28, 1994. ("Doug Henning's vault is cracked!") And again on February 14, 1997. (as the Prime Minister of Bizarro Canada.) And again on September 23, 1997. (on a list of rejected eponyms for Kibo.) And again on July 26, 1998. ("Doug Henning washes all his leotards in the alluvial basins around Citaroma.") And again on New Year's Eve, 1998. ("When the Romans crucified Jesus, it would have been funnier if they had instead put him in Doug Henning's Zig-Zag Woman cabinet.") And again the same day, in a compilation of comments received by anonymous users of the feedback form on www.kibo.com: ("pulling what appears to be lint from my belly button (it's an inny), but is in actuality yard after yard of wacky colored scarfs like those favored by magicians that worship at the altar of Doug Henning.") And again mentioned by Kibo on June 3, 1999. (comparing him to a hyperactive sea sponge.) And again on July 18, 1999. (while speculating about Carol Paliwoda's peer group.) Mentioned by Dan Wood on September 6, 1999. ("*rolls dice* Fifteen! That puts me on Kibo Place! With three hostiles, that means I have to ante up five hairs from Karl Malden's nose and one of Doug Henning's wisdom teeth.") Roger Vadim. Mentioned by Chris Kostanick on April 10, 1995. No other mentions. Ever. Jim Varney. Mentioned by Scott J. Takacs in April, 1994. (He suggested that Varney should play Gilligan in a movie. Of course, that got back to Hollywood and they cast him in "The Beverly Hillbillies". That article was reposted -- by Kibo -- December 19, 1997, when Chris Farley died after last being mentioned by... Kibo!) Mentioned by Kibo on Christmas, 1996. (appeared in a Spot story as a physically-challenged elf.) And again on July 11, 1997. (nominated for inclusion in "seaQuest 2047".) And again on February 2, 1998. (in Kibo's movie "W H E N S C A P E", as Abraham Lincoln.) And again on May 1, 1998. (suggested for inclusion in future NASA wacky phone calls to wake up lazy astronauts.) And again on July 2, 1998. (in the cast of a movie about Kibo's life, to be written by Lorenzo Semple, Jr., who wrote a movie directed by... Roger Vadim! Mentioned by Dean Lenort on April 14, 1999. (suggested he should star in a film of "Pride & Prejudice".) Mentioned by Peter Willard on July 22, 1999. (revealing the truth that Jim Varney was Jar Jar Binks.) Mentioned by Kibo on September 6, 1999. (in a repost of the "seaQuest 2047" cast because Allen Funt just died.) Mentioned by William Gates September 19, 1999. ("jim varney scares me....") So, for Doug Henning, Dan Wood and Kibo will split the bounty because although Kibo made 90% of the mentions, Dan Wood was the last human to mention Doug Henning alive on alt.religion.kibology. For Roger Vadim, Chris Kostanick would get the award if not for Kibo's clever allusion to Roger Vadim in a sentence about Jim Varney. This matter is going to an arbitration committee headed by Jane Fonda and the surviving Beverley Hillbillies. As far as Jim Varney goes, William Gates receives the bounty money. Or would have, if it hadn't accidentally been sent to that rich jerk outside Seattle instead of to alt.religion.kibology's much more lovable William Gates. Sorry, William. (You can probably just go over to Seattle and ring his doorbell to ask for your money back.) -- K. In the next article, I'll repost some of the highlights of Doug Henning's career on alt.religion.kibology. But only if you BELIEVE! in ILLUSIONS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: This week's celebrities who died on alt.religion.kibology. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 05:48:58 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Doug Henning, Jim Varney, and Roger Vadim are dead. Here is some of the stuff I said that did it. -- K. Except in Roger Vadim's case. I forgot to make fun of him until it was too late! ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Columbia's rat-supply "dangerously low" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 06:40:29 GMT Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > The radio news just reported the space shuttle's supply of rats is now > dangerously low. ("Houston, we have a problem...") > > Their last hope, apparently, is to feed the few surviving rats on > food-gel and Gatorade (the 90s equivalent of fitting the square filter > into the round bay, apparently). > > May god save us all... That's not the last hope, you... you... CIVILIAN. The brave fly-boy rocket-jockeys of NASA up there orbiting the universe in their intergalactic space shuttle will simply draw straws to see which one of them will be sacrificed to give the rats a nourishing supply of lean muscle. So don't be surprised if the shuttle comes back with nothing but rats on board. Happy, well-fed rats who slip in the bathtub, hit their heads, and run for President. This never would've happened if they'd listened to me and put a Taco Bell Express on board, with a mixture of 50% live Animal 57 and 50% dehrdrofrozen hibernating Sea-Monkey eggs to conserve space. -- K. I liked the episode where Batman met Mr. Dehydrofreeze, played by Ingo Preminger, creator of the TV series "China Beach". ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From: Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@worldnet.att.net) Subject: Re: Columbia's rat-supply "dangerously low" Organization: Not when I can help it Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 18:26:05 GMT James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: >That's not the last hope, you... you... CIVILIAN. The brave fly-boy >rocket-jockeys of NASA up there orbiting the universe in their intergalactic >space shuttle will simply draw straws to see which one of them will be >sacrificed to give the rats a nourishing supply of lean muscle. I understand that instead of drawing straws the crew has announced that the PS (Payload Specialist) that requested ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me" as the Wednesday wakeup music has now "volunteered" to serve as Purina Rat Chow. Chow chow chow. -- Dean Lenort | Though if you are in the mood to make | love to cattle, Usenet is probably one dean.lenort@worldnet.att.net | of the best places to talk about it. --Tshen ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Columbia's rat-supply "dangerously low" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 1 May 1998 05:33:02 GMT Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > That's not the last hope, you... you... CIVILIAN. The brave fly-boy > > rocket-jockeys of NASA up there orbiting the universe in their intergalactic > > space shuttle will simply draw straws to see which one of them will be > > sacrificed to give the rats a nourishing supply of lean muscle. > > I understand that instead of drawing straws the crew has announced that the > PS (Payload Specialist) that requested ABBA's "Take a Chance on Me" as the > Wednesday wakeup music has now "volunteered" to serve as Purina Rat Chow. > > Chow chow chow. I think that the next few NASA Wacky Wakeup calls should be: 1.) Jim Varney screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason. 2.) Jim Varney screaming at the top of his lungs because a red-hot olive fork has been jammed into the small of his back and then twisted around by a robot with a bionic arm. 3.) The Macarena, played really softly at first, and then gradually increasing in volume during the twelve hours the song is repeated, to test the assertion "In Space Nobody Can Hear The Macarena Even If We Make It So Loud It Will Kill The Rest Of The Rats." 4.) The final episode of "Murphy Brown", in which everyone who has ever been on the show drops by to tell everyone else who has ever been on the show what a warm and wonderful person Murphy Brown is, and then there's a mass marriage of seven hundred pairs of lesbians. 5.) Bill Clinton attempting to explain the plot of the entire story arc of "Doctor Who" while drunk. 6.) Tom Hanks begging, "Please eat each other so I can make another movie!" 7.) Steven Spielberg begging, "Please take the space shuttle underwater and fight giant laser-breathing worms so I can make another 'seaQuest DSV' episode!" 8.) Ennio Morricone's "Spazio: 1999" theme music, played on a kazoo. Mr. Lenort, please forward this proposal to the generals of NASA so that they may see that I would make a very good Cape Com. -- K. I still say the NASA logo is ripped off from the Lego spacemen's logo. ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Indisputable Proof That Jaffo Is Old Newsgroups: alt.politics.jaffo, alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 10:38:42 GMT Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) writes: > > > > [re Stacia removing some newsgroups from the "Newsgroups:" header > > of this thread] > > > > And yet you decided to LEAVE IN Christnet? The first nine times I looked at that I wackyparsed it as "You decided to LIVE IN Christmas?" IF STACIA GETS TO LIVE IN CHRISTMAS ALL YEAR I WANT TO LIVE IN APRIL FOOL'S DAY ALL THE TIME EXCEPT THE BEGINNING OF APRIL WHEN I WILL LIVE IN MAY DAY! MAY DAY 2000! THE HOLIDAY THAT YOU CAN SHOUT IN A CROWDED THEATER!!! > Keep net in Christnet! Keep istma in Christmas. Except when > not in use, shall keep Christ in polybag. Poor Christ! He was returned to His special container when not in use. He could turn water to wine (WINE DOES NOT ENABLE DRINKER TO GET DRUNK) but refills were sold separately. Jesus not for internal use. May stain fabric and cause skin and/or eye irritation. I wan to know why frogs don't have that tattooed on them: May stain fabric when picked up and squeezed. May cause skin and/or eye warts. Turn frog into prince only with use of a frog-sized dental dam. Always practice safe froggery! Also I think that when the Romans crucified Jesus, it would have been funnier if they had instead put him in Doug Henning's Zig-Zag Woman cabinet. Especially the part where they tickled His feet to prove that they didn't belong to His stunt double. -- K. I WAS JESUS'S STUNT DOUBLE AS TOLD TO WILLIAM SHATNER ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological influence at Nickelodeon? Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Thu, 3 Jun 1999 05:06:48 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > The June 2 NY Times "Arts" section carries a brief note on some new shows > slated to debut this year on Nickelodeon. One of them is titled > "Sponge Bob Square Pants." > Let's say it again slowly, shall we? "It again slowly," Gracie! > Sponge > Bob > Square > Pants And the funny part is that Bob's butt isn't even square. IT'S A RHOMBUS!!! > According to a Nickelodeon spokeshumanoid quoted in the article, the series > is centered around an "'incurably optimistic and earnest sea sponge' Oh. Doug Henning! > who lives in a two-story pineapple at the bottom of a tropical sea." > > Until it is proven otherwise beyond the shadow of a doubt, I will be firm > in my belief that someone from the Nickelodeon programming department was > browsing through Kibo's "Virtual New England Aquarium Tour" with a mite > too many scorpion bowls under his or her belt. Hey, it's all the same water. I'm glad I hadn't posted my photo of the sign advertising Amtrak with the slogan "WE'RE CHANGING HOW YOU EXPERIENCE TIME!" or it would have been a six-hour show. Directed by Kevin Costner. On Thorazine. Right after his puppy got run over. > No mention in the article as to who's providing the voices for the show. > Somehow I think Hans Conried will not be one of them. I think maybe we should be trying to find Andy Dick work. Also, we should be trying to get that Matt Frewer/Dan Aykroyd show about how ghosts are real cancelled. By Andy Dick's new show. In which he and Kelsey Grammer would have an auto race every week. AND THEN THEY'D RUN OVER KEVIN COSTNER'S PUPPY!!! > Sean ("...and Jerry Mathers as 'Death Crab'!") Smith -- K. I was gonna say "AND THEN THEY'D RUN INTO JAYNE MANSFIELD'S HEAD!" but that was too dark. ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.battlestar-galactica From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: USE OF SATELLITES FOR MIND CONTROL Url-Of-Www-Dot-Kibo-Dot-Com: http://www.kibo.com Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3194 centons, 98 microns, 0.03 bozons Date: Sun, 18 Jul 1999 03:25:13 GMT Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.journalism.print, alt.journalism.objective, alt.org.food-not-bombs, alt.politics.org.cia, and sci.physics.particle, Carol Paliwoda (capaliwoda@netzero.net) babbled: > > USE OF SATELLITES FOR MIND CONTROL > 7-15-99 > > It is a certainty, after a period of observation, that the pot fails to boil unless I turn on the stove. In my stove > there are satellites (or space stations of some kind) that have a glowing red defense screen that burns my hands. They're > poised over U.S. territory with a mind control capability, and a convenient drawstring bag for storage, like the one I sleep in, > aiming broad beams of some type of radiation (through the generous support of PBS viewers like Y-O-U, and drunken hippies on > roofs of buildings). The persons who have targeted me obviously didn't buy "Scientific American's" mailing list. Cicadas humming > with tortures and harassments for 26 years are definitely annoying, except in comparison to Pauly Shore. He likes to spit, > aiming from an overhead source. Radiation levels drop off and sometimes GO OVER and are disqualified from the FABULOUS SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN > around the periphery of the building (my house). At times dollar sign equals schwa dot com. My laser is so misadjusted that > the beam is about the width of half a city block. It is a bird! It is a plane! It is MAN WHO CAN'T MAKE CONTRACTIONS, on a mission most > urgent to develop a means of knocking these illegal knockoffs of "Battlestar Galactica" off the airwaves they're on, via > communications satellites or stations out of orbit, for the express purpose of filling up this line of text DOO-DOO-DOOT-DOOT. The > safety of the people of the United States (and wherever else people who live in the Unites States might live) is overrated > in the world they may be deployed to threaten native music before David Byrne can co-opt it. The sensuous census measures erotic > populations). It is preferable to permanently destroy any nuclear weapons by blowing them up with dynamite. Try their new > capability they may have to harass populations by knocking chicken gravy onto cheese fries to invent poutine or otherwise gross > them out with explosive warheads, because no positive or negative particles can be detected in Spam, made only of neutrons, no other > legal use for them exists. They have been used to commit Spamwiches and poutine against United States citizens, not to mention > belligerent acts of war against peaceful citizens like Mister Rogers, Doug Henning, Ed Begley Jr., Yoko Ono, and > myself. I am unable to say for certain who is directing all these teen sex comedies they show on my TV when it's turned off, from > these satellites, but they are very belligerent and have given Don Adams a superintelligent shoe computer, which has > the sole intent of politically dominating the United Nations once their manifesto is translated to Esperanto. I live in altered > States (and probably other countries), wiping out foes leaving behind nothing but the sparkle. DING! <--Loud sparkle! Now > with torture and terrorization. The persons running my refrigerator keep making me catch it, which is HARD! Kenmore makes > these apparatuses profess a Nazi-type philosophy, have ice cube trays that leak, especially in bed, not that I have > an amoral mentality, and condone slavery. The citizens of McDonaldland all speak McEsperanto, and plan a very cheap invasion > of the United States (and also the world at large) must be forced to eat Spamburgers and McPoutine. Illuminated menus will help you > be informed of this threat from above. Look into the bottom of your Happy Meal box to find a FREE piece of > Star Wars -type weaponry. Whoever these persons are, they haven't yet realized that I mentioned "Battlestar Galactica" and Ed Begley Jr. earlier in this article and I CAN NO LONGER RESIST THE URGE TO POINT OUT THAT HE PLAYED "ENSIGN GREENBEAN" ON "GALACTICA" AND THE NEW "GALACTICA" MOVIE'S GONNA SUCK IF ENSIGN GREENBEAN'S NOT IN IT! I apologize for the interruption, and now back to the psychotic blather. Because > they are opposed to the basic intent of law and the Cylon takeover of McDonaldland, where food tastes like the original copy of the > Constitution of the United States. They are enemies of people with taste buds, and also people with tasteless buds, in > any democratic system or self-determination of native ity scenes showing Ronald McDonald being born in a major before shocked > populations, whether the threat is external or internal use only, you can't buy a stronger poutine without a prescription. > (some sort of infiltration of normal government > processes). THE END!!!! Actually, there was a lot more, but it was kind of goofy. -- K. THEY BETTER BRING ENSIGN GREENBEAN BACK!!! ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Subject: Re: WHEEEE! From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Date: 1997/09/23 Newsgroups: alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.krunk,alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick [More Headers] Louis Nick III (snick@u.washington.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > -- K. > > The Wizard Of Bandwidth & Length > > You should change this to Captain of Bandwidth & Length, so you can be > COBAL. Otherwiser, you should change it so it reads Wizard of Mo' > Bandwidth & Time, those six fan-geeks in the third row spell WOMBAT with > their T-shirts. How about if I'm "the Wizard Eating Everything Nougaty In-Edible"? I'd get a custom license plate that says "LOOK AT ME! I'M THE WEENIE!" only they'd have to cut it off after the first seven letters and I'd cry. Also someone might capitalize the "the" and then I'd be a Tweenie, meaning that either I'd be between keyframes or I'd be a guy with one twee knee. OTHER REJECTED EPONYMS FOR KIBO: "Wizard With The Gratuitously Long Eponym That Breaks Your Newsreader At Column 80" "Wizard Of Palindromes And Semordnilap Fo Draziw" "Wacky Wizard Who Lives In The Wacky Crackhouse"* "Wizard Of Winky Dinky And You" "Warlock Of War And Locks" "Wizard Of Zardoz" "Wizard Of Pez" "Doug Henning" -- K. "Wizard Now Has Extra Speeeeed" * I forget who coined the term "Wacky Crackhouse". It doesn't matter, people will only remember *me* using it, because I'm the Master Of Memes. ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PHYSICS LECTURE Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology, rec.nude Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 03:13:02 GMT In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, BIGGUY1@pacbell.net wrote: > A public lecture by John Dobson > > Title > Heisenberg's Breath of Uncertainty > and Einstein's Physics of Illusion. "Because when you believe in Magickal Physicks, the world is full of Illusion! And rainbows jumping over unicorns!" Doug Henning, Prime Minister of Bizarro Canada > "Something deeply hidden had to be behind things" Albert Einstein "Something really obvious and in front of stuff had to be behind things" Kibo > "There may be no such thing as the glittering central mechanism of the > universe to be seen behind a glass wall at the end of the trail. Not > machinery but magic may be the better description of the treasure that > is waiting." John Archibald Wheeler I heard that the glittering central mechanism of the universe is oiled with a lubricant made from clubbed baby seals! We must put a stop to this Universe thing to preserve OUR NATION'S ECOLOGY!!!! > "Space is not that which separates the many, but that which seems to > separate the one, Spock's not dead as long as we remember him. I'm wearing his pants! > and in that space that oneness shines, therefore falls > whatever falls. Again, space is not that in which we see the small, but > that in which the infinite appears as small, and in that space that > vastness shines, therefore bursts whatever bursts, Ach, now he's speaking of the Shatner Pants! > therefore shines > whatever shines. And finally, time is not that in which we see the > changing, but that in which the changless seems to change, and in that > time that changless shines, therefore rests whatever rests, ...all here on Gilligan's Isle! > therefore > coasts whatever coasts." John Dobson Space Ghost Coasts Whatever Coasts is my favorite live-action serious news show. > When: Free Public lecture February 23,1997 from 7:00p.m. till 9:00p.m. > Where: Visitors Center Auditorium in Griffith Park Los Angeles > Directions: North or south on the Golden State Freeway exit Los Feliz > Blvd and go west one block to Riverside Drive make a right and proceed > 1.2 miles to Crystal Springs Picnic area or the Ranger Station and make > a right (look for signs along the way that read DOBSON) park in the lot > on your right the auditorium is on the left. Arrive early seating is > limited. Oh no!!! I guess I'd better go to that BETTER lecture which is in one of those auditoria with an ININIFTE SEATING CAPACITY!!! > Questions: Please call Mike Kendall at 818-842-6484 or > Bob Alborzian at 818-841-0548 -- K. I'm posting to alt.sci.physics.new-theories and I'm nuuuuuude! ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Titanic' time travel - hypothetical question Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies, rec.arts.movies.current-films, soc.history.what-if, alt.religion.kibology Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 2 Feb 1998 05:04:33 GMT L. Shelton Bumgarner (leebum@nottowayez.net) wrote: > > On Thu, 29 Jan 1998 11:29:03 -0800, "Steve" wrote: > > > > Lets just say you invented a time machine that could take you back on a > > (one-way) journey to April, 1912; Southampton, England. Bogus, dude! I just did all that work inventing my Tachyonic Anti-Copter and now you want me to redesign it so it will only go one way? That's the most heinously bodacious planned obsolescence campaign ever! > > Having no currency of the time, you rob a prospective Titanic passenger > > of his clothes, money and ticket, leave him for dead - and you board. Also you steal HIS one way-time machine and use it THE OTHER WAY AROUND! I learned that part from L. Ron Hubbard. > > You say nothing (by way of warning) to the crew or captain. You decide > > you'll take your chances from the time the ship strikes the iceberg. Man, these "Choose Your Own Adventure" Dungeons & Dragons books have sucky interactivity. All the pages end with GO TO THE NEXT PAGE except for the last one which says YOU WIN IF YOU BUY ANOTHER BOOK. > > Hopefully, you'll pull through and be transported to New York by the > > Carpathia with the rest of the survivors! Have you considered the possibility that the Titanic was better than your silly one-way time machine because they only had to build it for a HALF-WAY trip? > > Your motivation for all of this? Simply - the experience. To be a part > > Great, eXtreem sports meet time travel. NEEDS A CHIMP! And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present: JAMES "KIBO" PARRY'S W H E N S C A P E A hard science-fiction novel in Usenet form Chapter One. 1998. "Come on, old bean," Nordiner Wumley said to fellow Cambridge University student Hubert Twiddles, "Let's try a four-way." "Whaaaat?" asked Hubert, displaying as much astonishment as any proper non-pervy English college student. "I mean my four-way time machine, you bloody Band-Aid. It's over THREE times as useful as a one-way time machine. It's a Tachyonic Anti-Copter, as written up in Physical Review Letters N by Benford, Bear, and Beable. Burp. Sorry, that was Time Gas." They climbed into the large iridium dodecahedron and Nordiner firmly grasped the level in a scientific clench. Hubert moved the lever to its first setting: THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC. Chapter Two. 1912. "Don't you understand?" Nordiner shouted at the captain as he shook him by his wide polyester lapels. "This ship is the Titanic!" "No it isn't!" the great man retorted. "Look below ye!" They looked down at the name stencilled on the inflatable life preserver: H.M.S. MEDITERRANEAN, FORMERLY THE TITANIC "Wow!" shouted Hubert, "By using science we have changed the past! Time travel is not paradoxical, it makes complete sense! Now the Titanic will never sink because it doesn't exist!" We got back into the Tachyonic Anti-Copter's dodecahedral time vortex before the Mediterranean collided with a time iceberg and exploded, killing everybody aboard. The ship, now radioactive, sank and later killed Jim Cameron and his crew. Chapter Three. 1865. The play was just ending in Ford's Theater. Abraham Lincoln stood up and began to speak, despite the entreaties of his mistress, MTV's Kennedy. "Four score and seven years ago..." BANG! There was a loud bang. "Hey! I heard a bang!" shouted Nordiner to Hubert, who couldn't hear him because his ears were ringing from the sound, which sounded like BANG!!! Abraham Lincoln dropped dead. "Gee, if only we could change history," said Hubert. Nordiner furrowed his brow and ran his fingers through his scientist's haircut. "Wait a minute... we have a time machine!" The two of them got back into the dodecahedron and jiggled the lever from the ASSASSINATION OF LINCOLN setting to the OFF setting and back. Travelling back in time fifteen seconds, they stepped out into Ford's Theater just in time to see themselves see Lincoln get shot. "You have to prevent this from happening!" they shouted to their other selves, and then they got back in their time machine and left for setting #3, ASSASSINATION OF KENNEDY, leaving their other selves to fix history. Chapter Three: 1963. Kennedy waved to everyone in Dealey Plaza as his chauffeur, Elmo Lincoln, slowly drove the bulletproof Presidential convertible along the street with the top down. Nordiner and Hubert materialized in the School Book Depository. "Hey, we seem to have landed in some kind of library," said Hubert. "No, it's more like a warehouse with books in it," said Nordiner. "Whatever, we've got to leave here and look for the School Book Depository!" they said. They pushed aside a creepy-looking young man who was leaning on the windowsill and walked out. Said creepy-looking young man's rifle was jostled, and his bullet missed President Kennedy... and hit fellow passenger, Bob Hope! "Yay!" shouted Lee Harvey Bumgarner, "This time I didn't miss, I hit Bob Hope like I was planning all along!" Fortunately, the two time travellers didn't hear this, as they were too busy congratulating themselves for not altering history. They moved the lever to its fourth and last setting, JACK THE RIPPER. Chapter Four. 1897. Unfortunately, the hundreds digit in their Tachyonic Anti-Copter had a short circuit, and 1897 got mixed up with 1997. Jack The Ripper turned out to be Prince Charles, and he killed Diana! After witnessing this event, Nordiner and Hubert returned to the present day. Chapter Five. 1998. Now Hitler was President, and worse, he was a super-intelligent dinosaur, and everyone lived underwater and communicated by tying their pseudopodia in knots! There was only one way to fix history and prevent Babe Ruth from marrying Cleopatra: they had to push Joan Collins in front of the bus. Unfortunately, in this alternate 1998, Joan Collins had turned her hometown into a giant casino! The two scientists were distracted by the slot machines, as all scientists love to bet huge amounts of money in the things, and she slipped out the back staircase, which was made entirely of white diamonds and went up to an orbiting space-station inhabited by superchimps. Postscript. After I type this postscript, I will put this message in a bottle and give it to my son to mail. And like me, he is... A HUMAN!!! Oh, wait, the scary part is: in this time line HUMANS ARE EXTINCT!!!! (MUSIC STING) THE END -- K. P.S. The movie of James "Kibo" Parry's W H E N S C A P E is being released soon! Nordiner - Michael O'Hare Hubert - Adrian Zmed Titanic captain - Chuck Barris Abraham Lincoln - Jim Varney John F. Kennedy - William Shatner Bob Hope - himself Jack The Ripper - Benny Hill with James Earl Jones as "Guy Who Falls Into Swimming Pool" ((((((((((((( repost ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I found Kibo's Seeekrit Hidey Spot! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1998 05:24:00 GMT Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > That's not Kibo. That's famous Stanisklavski-trained Method > > actor "Kybeaux" who spends all his time posting to Usenet > > from his ham radio on the tiny island of Citaroma. > > When the volcano on Citaroma erupts, what comes out? > > > Answer: BAD SCIENCE FICTION! No, no, no. It falls from the heavens like inedible, poisonous manna whenever the spastic orbit of the planet Venus disrupts the Irwin Allen Belt. Citaroma, The Sparkling Volcano, is the source of all the SPARKLES in the known world. Little Japanese girls go there and stick their faces in it so that their Barbie dolls will accept them as equals. Doug Henning washes all his leotards in the alluvial basins around Citaroma. In the late sixties and early seventies, Citaroma was endangered when its glitter was plundered to be put into clear Superballs to be given away in Quisp cereal boxes, but fortunately in 1975 The Source Of Swirlies was discovered so now all clear Superballs have swirly cool stuff inside. Also cereal boxes are no longer allowed to contain fun toys, only pieces of cardboard with the words "THIS IS A TOY" printed on them in toxic ink. And Quisp himself was killed in Viet Nam when he ate cherry Pop Rocks with milk and his 10,000th Tylenol. Me, I've been very careful to take 9,999 Tylenol during my life, so that if the need ever arises I'll be able to go PERMANENTLY INSANE at a moment's notice! Please try to give me said notice in written form so I can sue the Tylenol corporation if it doesn't work and I stay sane. Incidentally, regarding the Irwin Allen Belt, the premise of Irwin Allen's "Disney's 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea" knockoff, "Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sea" (before it became a TV show) was about Communists trying to stop Walter Pidgeon (as Richard Basehart) and Peter Lorre (as the guy Peter Lorre played in "20,000 Leagues") from preventing the Van Allen belt from catching fire, destroying all life on Earth. I am not making this up. Apparently Irwin Allen lived in a world where Alexander Abian was god and those godless Communists were even MORE menacing to our everyday existence than they actually are. Also, the soundtrack to my favorite "Lost In Space" episode, "Wild Adventure" (the one where an invisible green girl that only Dr. Smith can see falls madly in love with him and makes him dump all their Tic-Tacs overboard while they're in flight at the beginning of the third season before the budget ran out) includes a track named "Irwin Van Belt", which you can hear for yourself on the second disk of the Irwin Allen TV soundtrack boxed set which I bought just so I could get the "Time Tunnel" CD without suffering the embarassment of going to the desk at Tower Records and asking the LOSERS who work there to custom-order me a copy of the "Time Tunnel" disc. I apologize for using all these cryptic acronyms, like "TV" and "CD" and "TIC-TAC", here, but let's face it, this is the 21st century, so we all have to speak in Internetese. SMILEY -- K. Then, Dr. Smith is driven insane by an invisible smiley that only he can see! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Note to Kibo Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 07:11:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I don't know you failed to post about this: > > [from http://cnn.com/2000/US/01/31/fringe/spider.surgery.ap/index.html] > > > > Eighth graders use Super Glue, 'surgery' > > to save tarantula after brutal fall The combination of Super Glue and surgery can solve ANY personal problem. > > January 31, 2000 > > Web posted at: 2:04 p.m. EST (1904 GMT) Oh no! They're in a time zone 96 YEARS west of the Greenwich Meridian! Ê > > SPRINGFIELD, Missouri (AP) -- Felicia Daniels wants to be a veterinarian > > when she grows up. She's off to a good start. > > Ê > > When the pet tarantula in Felicia's eighth-grade classroom took a tumble > > and cracked its abdomen, the students reassembled its innards, closed it > > up with Super Glue and apparently saved the creature's life. Wait, you're not SUPPOSED to have a crack in your butt? Excuse me, I better go Krazy-Glue my abdomen shut now so that I don't suffer later. > > "It looked kind of gross," said Felicia, who had the task of applying the > > glue. "At first I thought it was going to make me sick. But then it looked > > kind of cool." "And after I used the glue a while everything got all sparkly and swirled around and I could taste colors." > > The spider, named Sir Isaac Newton, lives in an aquarium in Carolyn > > Mulkey's science classroom at Study Middle School. The spider should've been named Galileo if he fell off the Leaning Tower Of Pisa. Only spiders that get crushed by falling apples can be Sir Isaac Newton. > > Sir Isaac's brush with death occurred Thursday as Mulkey was trying to > > hand the spider to student Charity Thomas. The spider tried to make a > > break for it but Mulkey stopped him by stepping on him. > > instead fell about 4 feet to the floor. > > > > "I heard it," Mulkey said. "He thunked when he hit pretty hard." And then a flowerpot hit him on the head and he thunked he was King Tut until Batman dropped another flowerpot on his head and he turned back into Victor Buono. > > Hitting the floor cut the tarantula's abdomen open. Student Chris Davis > > had a brainstorm: surgery and Super Glue. Because all kids carry Super Glue at all times. > > He and the guilt-stricken Charity, by then ready "to do anything to save > > his life," donned plastic gloves and used a Popsicle stick to push the > > spider's vital organs back in place and then ate his ice cream using a Spider Stick. > > before Felicia applied the glue. > > > > Still, there was no real hope that Sir Isaac Newton would recover. The > > defenseless spider was rather lethargic in post-op. > > > > "I assumed I would come in this morning and he would be dead," Mulkey said > > Friday. Instead, she found a sluggish but hungry spider munching on a > > mealworm. The kids made the mealworm out of a piece of elbow macaroni, lithium grease, and cat hair. -- K. They made the cat hair from stuff found on the school cafeteria's pizza. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kill this cat. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 07:15:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Bob Flaminio (bob@flaminio.com) wrote: > > OK, I am getting DAMN tired of seeing the same stupid sleeping cat in > people's .sigs. KILL IT NOW. > > This one: > > zz |\ _,,,---,,_ > zzz /,`.-'`' -. ;-;;,_ > ZZZ |,4- ) )-,_..;\ ( `'-' > '---''(_/--' `-'\_) fL > > > -Bob "KILL THIS CAT OR WE'LL BUY THIS MAGAZINE" -- The Idiots Who Took Over _National Lampoon_ And Surgically Removed All Attempts At Humor Also, I believe Chesapeake Railway changed that logo a while ago so that the kitty no longer has a Courier "4" on his nose, he has an Arial "4" now. -- K. His tail is still tied to an "fL", though. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PEZ!!!!!1! Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 07:26:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > In this drawer RIGHT NEXT TO ME there's MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEZ!!!!1! > There's more PEZ here than I could EVER EAT! > > Well, almost. The physics department here sells candy from this old desk > that also has some computers on it. AT LOW LOW PRICES! > > I LOVE IT! PEZ! YAY! Dear Dag, Do you have cherry Pez? If you don't got cherry, you don't got Pez! If you need cherry Pez, please go to Quebec and buy some. For this advice, you owe me half of any cherry Pez you ever see. Sincerely, Your Pal In Pez, Pez-tastic Kibo P.S. Etienne, I keep seeing this TV commercial advertising Quebec where they tell me, "Quebec, Canada: Where People Really Live." Do Americans usually assume that people are only pretending to live up there? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Short Shameful Brag. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 07:29:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Today I ate (or attempted to eat) three more kinds of "veggie burgers" and now I've run out of kinds of veggie burgers to write sarcastic reviews of and I will never again ever need to eat any of them ever again, HOOOOOORAYYYYYYYY!!!!! -- K. They're advertising butter-flavored yogurt on my TV right now. Do I have to try it, too? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Short Shameful Brag. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 08:23:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today I ate (or attempted to eat) three more kinds of "veggie burgers" > > and now I've run out of kinds of veggie burgers to write sarcastic > > reviews of and I will never again ever need to eat any of them ever again, > > HOOOOOORAYYYYYYYY!!!!! > > Somewhere, Subway has a "Veggie Mac". > > Not here, though. I can't recommend it, 'cuz it's More Expensive Than Meat! Does it have that fake Subway cheese on it? Even if it were real cheese I wouldn't eat it because cheese is evil and besides it defeats the whole purpose of an unflavored veggie burger. Also, I'm only trying _frozen_ veggie burgers from places like real supermarkets and Trader Joe's, not ones dressed up by master Subway chefs who would cover them with toppings that would make it hard to review their lack of taste. I did have the Hard Rock CafŽ veggie burger, though, because it was in my supermarket. Hard Rock CafŽ is so classy. You can go there to eat stuff they bought at the supermarket for you. Subway doesn't buy anything at the supermarket, does it? -- K. And why isn't your E-mail address dbd@subway.com? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.politics.kibo,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The politics of kibo Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 07:36:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.kibonium In alt.politics.kibo, "Yug Hsram" (guym@ptw.com) wrote: > > Kibo, hu? Whatever. Exactly. > Tired of flame wars and generally rude people? Visit > APAC - the All-Political All-Civil forum - the only > commercially advertised Internet forum (featuring > some 191 participants and currently averaging nearly > 1,900 hits per day [as of 02/07/00]). > Click: http://www.insidetheweb.com/mbs.cgi/mb803579 Gee, given that apparently no other chat room has ever advertised anywhere, ever, you'd think that yours would have more than 191 people in it. Maybe it would be more popular if you allowed the rude people in. Can I come in? -- K. I promise I'll only be rude about 50% of the time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Plea for chili. Kibo needs chili. Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 07:54:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For the food review section of my Web site, I'm working on eating every kind of canned chili ever made. Do any of you folks have any cans of off-brand chilis handy? I have: America's Choice Armour Big Y Broadcast Casa Fiesta Castleberry Chef Boyardee (chili mac) Chi-Chi's Dennison's El Rio Hargis House Healthy Choice (chili soup) Hormel Lucky Morton House Nalley Old El Paso Safeways Southgate Springfield Stagg's Stop & Shop Texas Pete Trader Joe's Wolf If you have access to canned chilis I haven't seen, please write to --> chili@kibo.com <-- and we can talk chili. (Please use that address or else I might miss your important chili-related mail.) By the way, Texas Pete's canned chili hot dog sauce is the very worst thing anywhere near that list. Wolf's and Stagg's are the best. -- K. Anyone want to place bets on how many minutes elapse before the spam starts arriving at that new address? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I'm the greatest! Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 10:03:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > No matter what happens this afternoon, as long as I live to breathe another > day, I will still be the greatest Tetris player in all of a.r.k! Ha! I could kick your butt at the Tetris pinball machine! > I got the #1 score at DeVry's arcade, Oh, the _DeVry's_ arcade. Not one of those enormous places like the _MIT_ arcade or the _Emerson_ arcade. > just using one quarter. Then a bunch of fairies who no doubt used about > five dollars in quarters for one game, used all their continues to build > up some insane 500,000-ish score. And some weirdos have done the same > thing at the Castles & Coasters Tetris machine, the top six have been > filled with some girly-man's 999,952 type scores for at least ten years. > Fuck Atari for letting pussies keep their score when they continue. Yeah! They must have been losers because they were PAYING to play Tetris! Everyone who's cool plays it for FREE on their own computer! Unless they got the computer itself for free, in which case they're not cool. But if they play Tetris for free on a computer they paid $4000 for, then they're cool. > Have you ever played Tetris around your own initials? You get to when you > reach round 16. There's nothing like it, really. > > Whenever I go to an arcade and someone's playing the Tetris machine and I > join in and play against them, I usually totally humiliate them. I like to wait until I'm behind some guy whose initials are III. > They just keep hearing those Tetrises coming from my side of the screen and > they break into a cold sweat and they sometimes just walk away in the > middle of the game. You know, you're THIS close to becoming Tom Jackson and/or Archimedes Plutonium after a few more games. -- K. Also I dare you to even try to beat my high score on Battle-Girl. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I'm the greatest! Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 10:07:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) writes: > > > > Have you ever played Tetris around your own initials? You get to when you > > reach round 16. There's nothing like it, really. > > I see. I would just like to add that when I first saw this article, it said "Have you ever played Tetris around your own genitals?" until about the fourth time I read it. -- K. When I play it that way I need lots of those one-by-ten blocks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I'm the greatest! Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:25:20 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Dag Right-square-bracket-gren" (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) writes: > > > > > > Have you ever played Tetris around your own initials? > > > > When I first saw this article, it said > > "Have you ever played Tetris around your own genitals?" > > until about the fourth time I read it. > > Yay! I made the same wackyparse as Kibo! Dear Dag, please stop playing Tetris around my genitals. GET YOUR OWN GENITALS! > I'm 31337! Oh, 7734. > Also, after playing the "Boot Camp" part of Half-life: Opposing Force, > I realised that we need a Tetris game with a Drill Sergeant. > > "DROP THAT PIECE, MAGGOT!" > > "MY SWEET OLD GRADMOTHER CAN ROTATE THOSE BLOCKS FASTER THAN YOU!" Is not enough to have little guy dressed like Nancy Reagan come out of cuckoo clock for striptease every time you get Bonus For Low Puzzle, comrade? -- K. Damn, now I'm going to talk like Walter Koenig for the next 36 hours. Vi mist gi bick ti thi miin! (Mike Jittlov will explain the reference.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Departmental Tours at Boston Public Library http://www.bpl.org/brls/news/bfly_January%202000.htm Date: Sat, 12 Feb 2000 10:24:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In soc.libraries.talk, Don Saklad (dsaklad@zurich.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > Departmental tours at Boston Public Library > http://www.bpl.org/brls/news/bfly_January%202000.htm "Over here is--" "IS THIS WHERE THE SECRET BOOKS ABOUT THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY CONSPIRACY ARE KEPT?" "No, this is the Rare Book Room, where--" "DO YOU HAVE ANY RARE BOOKS ABOUT THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY CONSPIRACY?" "No, just antique and valuable books from--" "WHERE ARE THE BOOKS ABOUT THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY CONSPIRACY?" "Look, like I told you the last ten times you took this tour, there are NO books about the Boston Public Library conspiracy and--" "DOESN'T IT STAND TO REASON THAT YOU WOULD NOT ACKNOWLEDGE WHERE THE BOOKS ABOUT THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY CONSPIRACY ARE? NOW PLEASE SHOW ME WHERE THE BOOKS YOU CAN'T SHOW ME ARE!" "Sigh. I give up. The books are behind this secret panel..." [The librarian opens a hidden pannel, revealing a number of books about the secret Boston Public Library conspiracy. However, because they are not being hidden, this proves there is no Boston Public Library conspiracy, sending ripples back through the space-time continuum which prevent Don Saklad from ever having been born. The composition of the tour party changes subtly.] "Now, in this next room, which was designed by Scott McKim to look the same right-side-up and upside-down, we have a collection of--" "IS THIS WHERE THE SECRET BOOKS ABOUT THE DARTMOUTH COLLEGE CONSPIRACY TO SUPPRESS THE PLUTONIUM ATOM TOTALITY ARE KEPT?" [Suddenly, Ben Franklin wakes in his bed and screams. He reaches to his night table for his spectacles, lights a candle, dips a quill in ink, and jots a note on a piece of parchment:] [florid script] Note to Self: Do not Found the Boston Public Library. [Then, he signs the note by stapling a $100 bill with his picture to it. He lights a cigar and begins laughing maniacally as he sees, through the window, two working-class men hammering a signpost into the ground in a vacant lot near Copley Square. The sign says, ON THIS SPOT, THE BOSTON PUBLIC LIBRARY WILL NEVER BE FOUNDED. An elegantly-dressed man, with the name "Mr. Copley" written on his velour top hat, ambles into view on his peg leg.] "Oh no! I let that shark eat my leg for nothing! I didn't even get a lousy library!" [Flash forward to the year 2000. The librarian is standing in the middle of the vacant lot.] "I can't figure out why I keep showing up for work every morning given that no library was ever founded on this spot, and there's certainly no conspiracy involving this nonexistent library." [The camera pulls back to reveal that the vacant lot is inside a little snow-globe souvenir in a display case in the Museum Of All Snow Globes Ever.] "IS THIS WHERE THE SECRET SNOW GLOBES COMMEMORATING THE MUSEUM OF ALL SNOW GLOBES EVER CONSPIRACY ARE KEPT?" -- K. This has been a true sitcom. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 06:58:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Does anybody know if someone has written a computer > program that will show what different objects look > like in different Lorentz frames. > In particular, is their any available program that > would show us how a person's facial expression > might change from one Lorentz frame to another. This is you at rest: :) . This is you at 99.999% the speed of light: ) . > This is important to the "Relativistic Proof of God" > cited below on my website. Oh, come on. You just want to use this power to make yourself even more irresistible to women. -- K. You could also try opening lots of buckets of maple syrup. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: If I were running the Boston Globe. Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:08:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In honor of the fact that Charles Schulz finally passed away today, if I were editor of the Boston Globe, I would declare that it would be crass to print two pages of wacky cartoons on the day of this beloved man's death and so I would have left all the comic strips out of today's edition. -- K. I just found a NICE new way to be really evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Darla and Jaffo Make Fun of Death Row Inmates Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:33:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > > I wonder if (in an alternate universe, of course), Kibo were to be > brought to justice for the brutal murder of Bob Hope, and having sat > on death row for years, eventually denied a pardon by El Presidente > Teflon Piano, finally had to order a last meal... > > ...WHAT WOULD THAT MEAL BE??? Excuse me, but you misspelled "Invisible Potsie" as "Bob Hope" when making a reference to a "Special Show" episode you haven't seen yet. Also I have a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. But if I ever choose to go to jail, I hereby declare that my last meal shall be twenty pounds of Cherry Pez manufactured during 1976, two cans of Wolf brand Big Ranch Recipe Chunky Steak Cut No Beans chili, twelve White Castles wadded together into the shape of a normal hamburger, a hogshead of Lipton Brisk Artificial Raspberry Kool-Aid Flavored Iced Tea-Like Water, Veal Oscar prepared by Bob Hope's personal chef, a Tyrannosaurus Rex steak topped with everything in the Universe except cheese, and for desert a handful of those corn-flavored barley-sugar gumdrops from Ming's supermarket. And the head of the guy who decided that extra-wide shoes would cost more than regular shoes, on a platter. -- K. MY FEET HURT! and I haven't even used them since last week! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My favorite sentence, and a warning Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:40:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "Zinzo pleaded guilty last month to a reduced charge of > conspiracy to commit assault with intent to commit great bodily > harm less than murder." > > Wuh? > > That's my favorite sentence of the millennium. Yes, but have you stopped not failing to not beat your wife? Remember, you're under oath, and over this vat of boiling curry which causes large parmanent scars if any part of your body touches it. (David mumbles something.) Is THAT your final answer? (David mumbles something else.) Is THAT your final answer to "Is THAT your final answer?" (David tries to mumble something else, but nothing comes out. The curry smells really good, but deadly.) > And now, the warning: after Tuesday, there's a possibility I may > have WAAAAAAAAAY more free time to post to A.R.K. (pronounced > "AAY AAAHRR KAAAAY" by four out of five dentists). So expect > hundreds more 300-line posts detailing the differences between > Orthodox and Liberal Kibology, the History of Pants, and the > Truth About Cats and Dogs and People Who Step on Them with High- > Heeled Shoes. I want to hear about cats that wear high-headled shoes and panties, and who step on whoopee cushions filled with imitation liquid butter that gets squirted onto bicycle seats that the dogs lick before the cats step on them. Also it should be a video game we can play. -- K. And it should squirt you with liquid butter whenever you lose to Kibo if your name is Nick. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Flat TVs. Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:45:36 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I just realized how cool a flat TV would be. I would put mine on the floor (under a layer of super-strong glass stolen from the window of Hitler's Death Car) so that I could walk across the TV screen and say, "Look, I'm standing on Bob Barker's face!" And I'd keep watching that episode of Tom Snyder's "Tomorrow" show where Nam June Paik put video screens on the ceiling showing goldfish because he felt sorry for the goldfish not being able to fly, but I'd watch this tape on my screen on the floor just so that Nam June Paik's goldfish would stay trapped in the floor where they belong! Except I'd also want one screen on the ceiling so that whenever a pretty lady was on I'd be able to see up her dress. > Usually, even a small TV is pretty much going to be a big cube that has > a big footprint and is 18 inches deep and requires its own table and such. > And, it's heavy. So you have this immobile, thick device that takes up > space like furniture. Nick, four words for you: Inflatable furniture... Inflatable TV. > [...] > > Will they ever make computer CRTs thinner? I don't know if computer CRT > manufacturers even care about that kind of stuff, Yeah, I know. I'm so sick of carrying around this forty-pound eighteen-inch cubical screen built into my laptop computer. -- K. I just wish someone would hurry up and invent digital cameras like Archie suggested. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: frightening headline of the day Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 08:20:48 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com l'AFP wrote: > Subject: Leonardo Di Caprio leads US invasion of Berlin That headline would be even more terrifying if I lived in Berlin. Which I don't. And now that he's there, I never will! -- K. Today's other news story was about how a bronze duck statue was stolen from a Moscow park. The statue was an exact replica of the "Make Way For Ducklings" statues in Boston's Public Garden, where one was missing until last week... Presumably, Mayor Menino sent some thugs to swipe it from Moscow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Penis stapling ruled okay on New Zealand television decency count Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 05:36:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Guess which wire-service (HINT: IT'S FRENCH) brought us this charming article: > > WELLINGTON, Feb 15 (AFP) - A New Zealand television decency > watchdog Tuesday ruled that footage showing a man stapling his penis > to a crucifix and setting it alight did not breech its good taste rules. Those Kiwis are such prudes! Imagine, considering something to be in bad taste just because it featured a man stapling his weenie to Jesus's head, which he then set on fire, including his weenie. > The Broadcasting Standards Authority said in a ruling the stunt > was "unusual and macabre" but the edited video footage shown on > state-owned Television New Zealands Havoc 2000 Deluxe show just > avoided breaking broadcasting good taste boundaries. See, if he had done it TWICE, then it would have been tasteless. > Television New Zealand (TVNZ) is currently under fierce attack > from Prime Minister Helen Clark who accuses it of being ratings driven. Oh, yeah, everyone wants to tune in to see burning stapled penises. > Two people complained about the clips in the show which saw > Christchurch student Thomas Hendry win 500 NZ dollars (245 US) cash > and a 500 dollar bar tab last year in a Christchurch tavern's How > Far Will You Go? promotion. How Far Will You Go And How Mutilated Will You Be Afterwards? > Hendry stapled his penis to a cross 18 times with an > industrial-strength stapler, before dousing it with cigarette > lighter fluid and setting it alight before a video camera. And the tasteless part is that the video camera was owned by... Bob Crane! > TVNZ said it knew the humour was not to everyone's liking, Oh, I get it... the burning penis was _humour_. Pardon me, but I'm going to take some time off while I think about what I should do on alt.religion.kibology now. -- K. Would it be funny if I stapled my eyeballs to the bloody corpse of Tom Green?