Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 06:58:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Does anybody know if someone has written a computer > program that will show what different objects look > like in different Lorentz frames. > In particular, is their any available program that > would show us how a person's facial expression > might change from one Lorentz frame to another. This is you at rest: :) . This is you at 99.999% the speed of light: ) . > This is important to the "Relativistic Proof of God" > cited below on my website. Oh, come on. You just want to use this power to make yourself even more irresistible to women. -- K. You could also try opening lots of buckets of maple syrup. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 07:30:19 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > In particular, is their any available program that would show us how a > > > person's facial expression might change from one Lorentz frame to another. > > > > > > This is you at rest: :) > > > > . > > This is you at 99.999% the speed of light: ) > > . > > > Dear Kibo, > > I think your theory may be WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, because in a mono-spaced > font George Hammond's face is blue-shifted, and in a proportional font > it is red-shifted. Dear Terri, Please hurry up and marry Dr. Matt McIrvin right NOW before Samantha Wilkinson does. I think if you do it when he has his glasses off and hold your hand over part of your nametag he'll confuse "Willis" with "Wilkinson" and you'll get to marry the man of your dreams, the inventor of the Font-O-Meter, and together they two of you can apply your theory that relativistic time dilation can detect mad scientists to his theory that proportional fonts make Usenet articles look like George Hammond's face (unless they're Manley Hubbell's articles, in which case they look like Plastic Man getting mixed in with a handful of Silly Putty in a blender.) As Matt McIrvin replied to me on October 16, 1997, -> I don't know if you realize what sort of figure you cut here in a.r.k, -> with your oh-so-doidy posts and your 1995 "vacation" like you were -> BETTER than us and your squinty wrong-end-of-the-telescope view of the -> elite Blue Level end of the news feed that manages to poke through the -> opaque morass of your Cerberus of a scorefile and your fancy elite -> super-technological "not reading e-mail from Matt McIrvin" technique. -> You'll never be one of the *real* Kibologists who cat the news spool -> directly to stdout and let 'er rip! I know you don't read my posts -> anyway so if you read this it was your fault so by your special -> responsibility as god of this newsgroup you should know that this post -> was intended to be irrational so whatever it says is right and everyone -> here agrees with me! -> -> -- -> Font-o-Meter! Proportional Monospaced -> ^ -> Physics, humor, Stanislaw Lem reviews: http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/ You see, Terri, he and you are made for each other. Look at my Perfect-Union-O-Meter: -- Samantha Wilkinson Terri Willis Susan Powter Roger Moore Matt McIrvin Anson Williams Perfect-Union-O-Meter! ^ However, don't look at it in a different font, because my theory is only valid in Courier, Monaco, and parts of Canada. -- K. Kibo-O-Meter! Kibo <--- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Summary: HEY GEORGE THESE HEADERS DO THINGS Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 06:57:15 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Keywords: HEY GEORGE THESE HEADERS DO THINGS Followup-To: george.hammond.looks.like.he's.moving.at.1000%.the.speed.of.light In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > Does anybody know if someone has written a computer > > > program that will show what different objects look > > > like in different Lorentz frames. > > > In particular, is their any available program that > > > would show us how a person's facial expression > > > might change from one Lorentz frame to another. > > > > This is you at rest: :) > > > > . > > This is you at 99.999% the speed of light: ) > > . > > No shit...! GENIUS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SIMPLE SHEER GENIUS! THAT'S WHAT CHARLES SCHULZ WAS! But as for Mr. Hammond, well... let's just say he still hasn't mastered the "Followup-To:" header. -- K. Followup-To: I.will.pay.everyone.on.the. Internet.a.billion.dollars.each.if.George. ever.figures.out.how.to.read.his.own.headers ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 07:45:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sandwich.george.hammond.rye In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...blah blah blah...] > > PS, please don't reply to this post if you think this is a > goddamned joke. It just hacks up the thread for serious > discussants. I don't know, George, I don't take you seriously as a discussant. You're not smart enough to be an ant of any sort. You're more like a discussvolvox. Except, since you've repeatedly insisted that your brain is a cube of some sort, this means you're a cubical volvox. It hurts my irregularly-shaped brain to imagine the concept of a cubical volvox. But I must accept it. You couldn't possibly be wrong about your block-head-shaped head because nobody would fabricate a story about their brain being a stupid shape like a cube. And in another article, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...blah blah blah...] > > For chrissake.... don't go cutsie on me. OKAY, EVERYONE, NO GOING CUTSIE ON CUBEY! NO NICKSIE, NO CUTSIE! -- K. Jbhyqa'g vg or terng gb vagebqhpr Trbetr "Phorl" Unzzbaq gb Nepuvzrqrf "Cbgfvr" Cyhgbavhz naq genc gurz va n ybpxrq ebbz hagvy gur gjb bs gurz pna nterr jub unf gur bar pbeerpg gurbel nobhg gur angher bs gur Havirefr? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 11:55:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: sic.phsyics.revatility George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > For chrissake.... don't go cutsie on me. > > > > OKAY, EVERYONE, NO GOING CUTSIE ON CUBEY! NO NICKSIE, NO CUTSIE! > > You can't get a nickname to stick on me Jimbo... I'm > an original... one of a kind, and it's too late for talk > shows... I've got serious research to do... I'm cutting > out of Usenet... there's no scientific help here.. or > anywhere for that matter. I haven't seen a serious face > since Einstein died. You're leaving Usenet forever? Again? Don't forget to promise to pay everyone on the Internet $1,000 each if you ever come back. That's what the SERIOUS net.kooks always do. And we'd take you more seriously if you had made that promise the last time you left forever. -- K. Lbh pna'g trg n avpxanzr gb fgvpx ba Trbetr "Phorl" Unzzbaq gur fnzr jnl lbh pna'g cbyvfu n gheq. Naq uvf jevgvatf fher pbhyq hfr fbzr cbyvfuvat... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Mon, 21 Feb 2000 06:12:49 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: g.e.o.r.g.e.h.a.m.m.o.n.d.n.e.e.d.s.p.e.z In alt.religion.kibology and sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > You guys should stop posting this crap to SCI.PHYSICS.RELATIVITY > and keep it on Jimbo's NG.... the scientists on RELATIVITY are > going to get pissed after awhile and make trouble for you. I am > not posting any further to this discussion. Get lost. So that would be, what, the THIRD time you've promised you're leaving forever? Are you getting frequent-fibber miles? Do you get a free sandwich or something when you get to a dozen? > TRAWL: Serious scientists don't play computer-101/Header-games So why do you keep adding "alt.religion.kibology" and "sci.physics.relativity" to the headers? > [...] > > There you go Mr. Kookity Rookity Dukity. Dear George Hammond, Please do not hacka racka sacka sis boom bah up this thread with high school drool cool fool schizophrenia cafeteria style clang-a-rang-a-bang assocididdilations. -- K. Gb shegure rqhpngr Ze. Unzzbaq, V jvyy grnpu uvz ubj gb ernq EBG-13 gur zbzrag ur znxrf tbbq ba uvf cebzvfr gb arire gnyx gb nal bs hf rire ntnva. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 05:48:10 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium.plutonium.plutonium.plutonium In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Don't play "forged header games" on this thread.. > you can get thrown off the internet for doing that. Dear George Hammond, Stop searchenginebombing Archimedes Plutonium. Also, it's good to see that you've finally noticed the big flashing signs that say "Followup-To: somewhere.else" but it's too bad you don't seem to understand that some of us are allowed to use "Followup-To:" headers, even if you can't. By the way, did you hear what they were saying about you over on Usenet3? -- K. V nz EBG-13'vat guvf fragrapr whfg fb gung ur'yy arire frr jung vg fnlf. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 23:39:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Boy... you're talking to a guy for whom it's too late > for either money or glory... at least 20 years too > late.. and believe me I've spent a lot of time being > pissed about it. "Pissed" in the Australian sense, no doubt. > Eventually, no matter what happens, you rise > above it. At this point, the only meaningful objective is to > save the world and all the wretched humanity in it. > To demonstrate that the structural laws of Psychology (perceptual) > are identically the laws of Relativity, and thus giving > us admittance to the "private world" of every individual > (visually) would eliminate the "stranger" from the world, I don't know, I think you'd still find a way to be stranger. > and would probably do it for us; a direct admittance to > the visual powers of Almight God. > Having passed the point where revenge would mean > anything, I have turned to this final course. Is that dessert, or coffee? -- K. V'z vzcerffrq gung fbzrubj ur svanyyl tbg gur fhogyr uvagf V jnf qebccvat nobhg Sbyybjhc-Gb: urnqref. V jbaqre jura ur'yy yrnea nobhg EBG-13. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 07:34:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.george.hammond.has.the.brain.of.a.trilobite George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > I will not respond to this obvious troll. > > > > > > I would suggest using the word "traul" and "trauling" > > > > "Traul" is a registered trade-mark of the U-Traul Corporation. You can get > > kicked-off iNternets if you use trade-marks without proper licensing. > > There are several variants of the spelling.. None of which you know. > [...] > > Since this word is in the dictionary, it cannot be copyrighted > by anyone. Wrong again, Watson. Check the front of your Funk'n'Wagnalls dictionary. You'll see that the WHOLE DICTIONARY is copyrighted by Funk'n'Wagnalls, and therefore EVERY WORD IN THE DICTIONARY is copyrighted by them. You now owe them a hundred bazillion dollars and if you don't pay it up the Internet Police will throw you in Internet Debtor's Prison. > [...] > > Of course, Trolls, Demons etc. have made a big comeback > in popular folklore with computer games like Dungeons & > Dragons where Troll's are demeaningly represented. I hear they have a non-computer version of the game coming out sometime soon. I'm not surprised you haven't noticed that "Dungeons & Dragons" was around in pencil-and-paper form around 1980. I _am_ surprised you've heard of it at all. I mean, it's got numbers in it and stuff. > It certainly was a derogatory slur when the word was invented. > Again, I suggest the word TRAWL and TRAWLING. Why are you laboring under the misapprehension that we would want to NOT refer to you in derogatory terms, Cubey? -- K. Trbetr "Phorl" Unzzbaq jnf xvpxrq bss Unaan-Oneoren'f Fhcre Tyborgebggref orpnhfr uvf fhcre cbjref jrer gbb ynzr. Cyhf phorf ner uneqre gb qenj guna onfxrgonyyf. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 08:04:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.george.hammond.is.what.fills.the.holes.in.swiss.cheese George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > It certainly was a derogatory slur when the word was invented. > > > Again, I suggest the word TRAWL and TRAWLING. > > > > Why are you laboring under the misapprehension that we would want to > > NOT refer to you in derogatory terms, Cubey? > > Never said you did, Jimbo. BTW, there is no Usenet3? PRIVATE NOTE TO EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE EXCEPT GEORGE "CUBEY" HAMMOND: Vg'f bxnl, sbyxf. Hfrarg3 vf fnsr nf ybat nf abobql gryyf uvz gur frperg zvyxfunxr. Whfg xrrc cergraqvat gurl bayl znqr rira-ahzorerq Hfrargf nsgre gung bar jurer QrSbeerfg Xryyrl qvrq ng gur raq. -- K. V'z vzcerffrq gung ur xabjf gur grez "OGJ". Ur'f 3Y33G! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lorentz transform of facial expression..? Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 08:26:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: nyg.fpv.culfvpf.cyhgbavhz Myles L Skinner (mskinner@lucia.acsu.buffalo.edu) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > PRIVATE NOTE TO EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE EXCEPT GEORGE "CUBEY" HAMMOND: > > > > > > Vg'f bxnl, sbyxf. Hfrarg3 vf fnsr nf ybat nf abobql gryyf uvz gur > > > frperg zvyxfunxr. Whfg xrrc cergraqvat gurl bayl znqr rira-ahzorerq > > > Hfrargf nsgre gung bar jurer QrSbeerfg Xryyrl qvrq ng gur raq. > > > > hx jvid vxvml,sj > > (typed with keyboard upsidedown) > > Qrne enivat snaf: > Cyrnfr qb abg unpx hc guvf guernq jvgu > uvtu fpubby pnsrgrevn fglyr bar yvaref. Jr nyjnlf xarj ur jnf glcvat jvgu uvf xrlobneq hcfvqr qbja. Ohg jung unfa'g orra erirnyrq hagvy abj vf whfg jung ur'f qbvat jvgu uvf zbhfr. (V qba'g xabj ubj ur tbg gur pbeq guernqrq guebhtu nyy gubfr xvaxf va uvf fznyy vagrfgvar jvgubhg hacyhttvat vg.) -- K. Hacyhttvat gur ZBHFR, V zrna. V'q ungr gb frr gur zrff jr'q unir ba gur Vagrearg vs Trbetr Unzzbaq rire hacyhttrq uvf vagrfgvar. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: If I were running the Boston Globe. Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:08:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In honor of the fact that Charles Schulz finally passed away today, if I were editor of the Boston Globe, I would declare that it would be crass to print two pages of wacky cartoons on the day of this beloved man's death and so I would have left all the comic strips out of today's edition. -- K. I just found a NICE new way to be really evil. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Darla and Jaffo Make Fun of Death Row Inmates Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:33:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Karlo Takki (ktakki@xensei.com) wrote: > > I wonder if (in an alternate universe, of course), Kibo were to be > brought to justice for the brutal murder of Bob Hope, and having sat > on death row for years, eventually denied a pardon by El Presidente > Teflon Piano, finally had to order a last meal... > > ...WHAT WOULD THAT MEAL BE??? Excuse me, but you misspelled "Invisible Potsie" as "Bob Hope" when making a reference to a "Special Show" episode you haven't seen yet. Also I have a "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. But if I ever choose to go to jail, I hereby declare that my last meal shall be twenty pounds of Cherry Pez manufactured during 1976, two cans of Wolf brand Big Ranch Recipe Chunky Steak Cut No Beans chili, twelve White Castles wadded together into the shape of a normal hamburger, a hogshead of Lipton Brisk Artificial Raspberry Kool-Aid Flavored Iced Tea-Like Water, Veal Oscar prepared by Bob Hope's personal chef, a Tyrannosaurus Rex steak topped with everything in the Universe except cheese, and for desert a handful of those corn-flavored barley-sugar gumdrops from Ming's supermarket. And the head of the guy who decided that extra-wide shoes would cost more than regular shoes, on a platter. -- K. MY FEET HURT! and I haven't even used them since last week! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My favorite sentence, and a warning Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:40:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > "Zinzo pleaded guilty last month to a reduced charge of > conspiracy to commit assault with intent to commit great bodily > harm less than murder." > > Wuh? > > That's my favorite sentence of the millennium. Yes, but have you stopped not failing to not beat your wife? Remember, you're under oath, and over this vat of boiling curry which causes large parmanent scars if any part of your body touches it. (David mumbles something.) Is THAT your final answer? (David mumbles something else.) Is THAT your final answer to "Is THAT your final answer?" (David tries to mumble something else, but nothing comes out. The curry smells really good, but deadly.) > And now, the warning: after Tuesday, there's a possibility I may > have WAAAAAAAAAY more free time to post to A.R.K. (pronounced > "AAY AAAHRR KAAAAY" by four out of five dentists). So expect > hundreds more 300-line posts detailing the differences between > Orthodox and Liberal Kibology, the History of Pants, and the > Truth About Cats and Dogs and People Who Step on Them with High- > Heeled Shoes. I want to hear about cats that wear high-headled shoes and panties, and who step on whoopee cushions filled with imitation liquid butter that gets squirted onto bicycle seats that the dogs lick before the cats step on them. Also it should be a video game we can play. -- K. And it should squirt you with liquid butter whenever you lose to Kibo if your name is Nick. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Flat TVs. Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 07:45:36 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I just realized how cool a flat TV would be. I would put mine on the floor (under a layer of super-strong glass stolen from the window of Hitler's Death Car) so that I could walk across the TV screen and say, "Look, I'm standing on Bob Barker's face!" And I'd keep watching that episode of Tom Snyder's "Tomorrow" show where Nam June Paik put video screens on the ceiling showing goldfish because he felt sorry for the goldfish not being able to fly, but I'd watch this tape on my screen on the floor just so that Nam June Paik's goldfish would stay trapped in the floor where they belong! Except I'd also want one screen on the ceiling so that whenever a pretty lady was on I'd be able to see up her dress. > Usually, even a small TV is pretty much going to be a big cube that has > a big footprint and is 18 inches deep and requires its own table and such. > And, it's heavy. So you have this immobile, thick device that takes up > space like furniture. Nick, four words for you: Inflatable furniture... Inflatable TV. > [...] > > Will they ever make computer CRTs thinner? I don't know if computer CRT > manufacturers even care about that kind of stuff, Yeah, I know. I'm so sick of carrying around this forty-pound eighteen-inch cubical screen built into my laptop computer. -- K. I just wish someone would hurry up and invent digital cameras like Archie suggested. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Flat TVs. Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 07:19:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > > > I wonder, are these new RCA flat televisions LCDs? > > > > Couldn't you just go to the store and poke one and find > > out? Or check the website? Or read a brochure? > > The stores near my house don't have them. The stores near my house > are POOPYHEAD. Niiiiiiiiiick... "Innnnterrrrnet." Say it with me. "Innnnnterrrrrrrnet." -- K. My TV set is powered by thousands of Nixie lights. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Flat TVs. Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 22:57:34 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > My TV set is powered by thousands of Nixie lights. > > [...stuff...] > > Dave "Er, that's a Lite-Brite, dear" DeLaney > > PS: Now with new poke-Suzanne-Somers paper pages! No, my WebTV is powered by the awesome power of Lite Brite. Except my little brother keeps eating all the pegs instead of his crayons the way he's supposed to. My TV is definitely powered by Nixie lights because there is absolutely nothing that could possibly be cooler than hundreds of Nixie lights. And I can make toast by putting bread in front of the TV! I hear soon they'll have a Nixie tube that can display Japanese characters, except it's eight miles thick. Hopefully they'll put the common ones like "yes" and "no" and "karaoke" in the front and not behind 15,000 others. -- K. Chris Franks will explain Nixie lights. P.S. "Nixdorf" is the funniest word in the English language. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: frightening headline of the day Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2000 08:20:48 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com l'AFP wrote: > Subject: Leonardo Di Caprio leads US invasion of Berlin That headline would be even more terrifying if I lived in Berlin. Which I don't. And now that he's there, I never will! -- K. Today's other news story was about how a bronze duck statue was stolen from a Moscow park. The statue was an exact replica of the "Make Way For Ducklings" statues in Boston's Public Garden, where one was missing until last week... Presumably, Mayor Menino sent some thugs to swipe it from Moscow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Penis stapling ruled okay on New Zealand television decency count Date: Tue, 15 Feb 2000 05:36:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Guess which wire-service (HINT: IT'S FRENCH) brought us this charming article: > > WELLINGTON, Feb 15 (AFP) - A New Zealand television decency > watchdog Tuesday ruled that footage showing a man stapling his penis > to a crucifix and setting it alight did not breech its good taste rules. Those Kiwis are such prudes! Imagine, considering something to be in bad taste just because it featured a man stapling his weenie to Jesus's head, which he then set on fire, including his weenie. > The Broadcasting Standards Authority said in a ruling the stunt > was "unusual and macabre" but the edited video footage shown on > state-owned Television New Zealands Havoc 2000 Deluxe show just > avoided breaking broadcasting good taste boundaries. See, if he had done it TWICE, then it would have been tasteless. > Television New Zealand (TVNZ) is currently under fierce attack > from Prime Minister Helen Clark who accuses it of being ratings driven. Oh, yeah, everyone wants to tune in to see burning stapled penises. > Two people complained about the clips in the show which saw > Christchurch student Thomas Hendry win 500 NZ dollars (245 US) cash > and a 500 dollar bar tab last year in a Christchurch tavern's How > Far Will You Go? promotion. How Far Will You Go And How Mutilated Will You Be Afterwards? > Hendry stapled his penis to a cross 18 times with an > industrial-strength stapler, before dousing it with cigarette > lighter fluid and setting it alight before a video camera. And the tasteless part is that the video camera was owned by... Bob Crane! > TVNZ said it knew the humour was not to everyone's liking, Oh, I get it... the burning penis was _humour_. Pardon me, but I'm going to take some time off while I think about what I should do on alt.religion.kibology now. -- K. Would it be funny if I stapled my eyeballs to the bloody corpse of Tom Green? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Live lobster arcade game lands firm in hot water Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 06:08:49 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Today on l'AFP, our prime source of News You Can't Use: "AFP / Sachiko Kinoshita" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > > TOKYO, Feb 16 (AFP) - Live lobsters are being used in the latest > Japanese arcade game which challenges players to pick them out of a > tank using a remote-controlled crane. HEY NICK BENSEMA! THEY STOLE YOUR IDEA! BUT THEY CHANGED THE GIRLS TO LOBSTERS! > The game, a new twist on the traditional lucky dip offerings of > cuddly toys and cheap watches, has outraged animal rights activists > who say it amounts to torture of the crustaceans. > Winners of the Marine Catcher game, developed by SAFCO, take the > lobsters home to eat. Yeah it's it's so cruel that they get picked up out of the tank before someone eats them! They should be treated nicely right up to the point where they get thrown into boiling water and cooked alive! Also, why don't they have a version of this game where you can use the crane to fling them into the hot water? And what about a hydrophone in the tank so we can hear them scream? > "I never imagined we would get protests when we developed the > game," said SAFCO president Shuji Fuchigami, who claimed to have > sold 30 of the machines around Japan with another 70 on order. > "I thought people would enjoy it," he added. Except for PEOPLE... who are really... GIANT LOBSTERS! (Tonight, on Ben Stiller's "Bad Twist Ending Theater".) > Fuchigami said he would consider halting production of the game > if the torture complaints mounted. > But he added, "I have had three phone calls today encouraging me > not to stop. They said it was the same as fishing." > In the game, about dozen live lobsters crawl around the bottom > of a large glass tank. > Players pay 200 yen (1.80 dollars) for the chance to catch them > with a small crane equipped with a grabbing hand. They use buttons > outside the tank to control its movements. And, because this is Japan, after the rigged claw drops the lobster back into the tank nine tries out of ten, a tiny digital camera equipped with X-ray vision snaps a photo of you, erases your clothes, and posts it on NTT's Web site with a caption saying "I AM A LOSER!" And then a robotic arm comes out of the machine and punches you in the stomach. > "I tried three times before and I finally got a lobster last > time," said 20-year-old student Keita Fukuhara, at the Omoron arcade > game centre in northern Tokyo. ^^^^^^ O tempura! O morons! > But Fukuhara was less fortunate in his latest efforts when he > failed to get any of the lobsters, each of which would cost > 3,000-5,000 yen at a fresh food market. > "I feel a bit sorry for the lobsters," he added. "But I think > this is just a game, not torture." Torture would be the next machine over, the "Whack-A-Lobster" game. > Minoru Tomitake, a 54-year-old shoe shop owner, said he found > the game challenging. > "It is very hard to get the lobsters in the tank because they > are alive and they know how to run away," he told AFP. "I have never > got lucky in this game. I think the person who created this game had > good sense." And was not a GIANT LOBSTER! > And Satoshi Yamashita, a part time worker at the game arcade, > defended the attraction. > "We think it is the same as fishing, not torture," he said. "We > change the water of the tank once a week and feed them. I think we > treat them the right way." > It was popular with families, he said. "I have never counted but > three or four lobsters caught by players in a day." > The Japan Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals said > it had sent protest lettters to SAFCO and to individual arcade > centres stocking the Marine Catcher game. > "We think this is amounts to mistreatment of small creatures," > said the society's general affairs manager, Isao Yoshino. Small creatures... so, then, it would be okay to retool the game so it only dispenses GIANT LOBSTERS? "Aaaaaiiiieee! We are a crowd and are fleeing in terror as Lobstron X has escaped from the vending machine and is eating the NHK building!" > "The game puts great pressure on lobsters every day, it is > mistreatment. It's much greater than the pressure on them at the bottom of the Pacific ocean. > "A game like this makes light of living creatures and is a bad > influence on children." > Some arcade customers agreed. > Shouki Aida, 19-year-old said, said, "I feel very sorry for > those lobsters. I cannot understand how they can make such a game. I > don't think they should do this to living things. > "This tortures the lobsters," he said. "I wouldn't want to eat > one of them." But torturing your food makes it taste better. You know, like veal, or Gummi Bears. > The head of SAFCO, which is based in western Japan's Sasebo, > said it was not required to receive restaurant licencing because it > placed notices on the tanks warning customers against eating the > lobsters raw. I can't wait to see the label on their new machine, "Fugu Grabber". -- K. One of the goldfish in the piranha tank at work is now almost as long as the piranha himself. Does anyone know how to stunt the growth of goldfish? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Live lobster arcade game lands firm in hot water Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 08:31:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Brian Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > My extensive lobster scout rescue brigade tells me that this particular > game can be found right here in the states at a place called Dick's Last > Resort. They have locations in Boston, San Diego, and elsewhere in the US. > > http://www.dickslastresort.com/where.htm > > Kibo needs to take pictures. Drunked out-of-town college students are always asking me directions to it. I usually point them vaguely in the direction of a one-way street that would lead to it if only it went the other way, and drop a subtle hint that it HAS AN UNUSUALLY OBVIOUS NAME FOR A GAY BAR. -- K. Also, it's right behind the Boston Public Library. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Rule Of Television #368. Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 06:13:42 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Every time someone is in a high school or college class, it involves a crusty old teacher pointing at parts of a skeleton with a stick. -- K. Just once I'd like to see it the other way around. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Rule Of Television #368. Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 08:30:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Every time someone is in a high school or college class, it involves > > a crusty old teacher pointing at parts of a skeleton with a stick. > > On _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_, even more so. Is that show still on? I stopped watching it after my lovely wife, the talented Juilet Landau quit and/or got fired, I don't remember which. -- K. Corollary #368a: Except on "Batman", where Burt Ward only ever attended civics classes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.psychology.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 12FEB00 AP's Movie Prairie Home Companion; spending money Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 06:33:26 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutoniduh In sci.edu and sci.psychology.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (plutoniu@willinet.net) wrote: > > Today I spent much of the day assembling a desk for the Plutonium Atom > Foundation (to be incorporated). OH MY GOD CIRCLE TODAY ON YOUR CALENDARS FOR THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY IN THE HISTORY OF SCIENCE, ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM SPENT MOST OF A DAY ASSEMBLING A DESK!!!! > It was a desk I saw at Sam's Club and having trouble recently with the > wrists of my hands on computer set up of a regular kitchen table. Didn't get the wrist supports for your iBook? > So I decided now is the time for a full fledged desk. It is a huge desk > and what especially attracted me was the granite color and the melamine > coating surface. (Mental image: Archie caressing and kissing anything made of melamine, drooling "Mmmm, mmmelamine...") > [...] > > Anyway, I learned a few new things from assembling this desk. Wow! Now you know * Quantum Physics * Statistical Thermodynamics * Molecular Genetics and * How To Assemble A Desk Merely By Following The Directions. At last you have qualified for the Nobel Prize! Unless Stephen Hawking is as good as you at assembling desks. (And, frankly, I'm betting on him.) > It is the first time I had worked with cam-bolt fasteners. Unless we count that time you built a Frankenstein monster. > And, I like rocking chairs, so I bought a rocker and > foot stool to go with this desk. (Mental image: Mary Tyler Moore is in a black and white living room. Archie Plutonium comes in and trips over the footstool, then lands headfirst in the rocking chair which catapults him out the window into a vat of Krazy Glue mixed with fire ants.) > Here again, I had to assemble the rocker for most things at Sam's Club > comes in boxes. GENIUS! > And I rather enjoyed putting together the rocker and the desk which is > only half assembled. So I will eventually be sitting in my rocker behind > my desk and posting to the Internet. But even while you're sitting in it you'll still technically be off your rocker. -- K. I'm at a loss for words re Archie's other article today, the one about how he wants to breed giant dogs to keep evil dinosaurs at bay. I couldn't make that stuff up if I tried. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why I look for articles from WebTV people in sci.physics. Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 06:42:56 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.physics, "G=EMC^2 Glazier" herbertglazier@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: Universes As Endless Snow Flacks Not to be confused with Kellogg's Corn Flacks, enriched with 58% blurbs! -- K. I'm waiting for Flow Snacks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Please help me... Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 07:16:59 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > QUITE > > > > > RAPID > > > > > KAZOO > > > > > MUSIC. > > > > > > > > Martin Gardner called, Dr. Matrix wants his magic square back and > > > > when you hand it over it better still contain all 26 letters of the > > > > alphabet and the date "1514" hidden at bottom center. > > > > Also, Albrect DŸrer says to [...] give his quadrata back. > > > > > > Kibo, you win the prize for posting something so obscure and confusing > > > that I had to enlist the help of another kibologist to help translate. > > > > Leah, last month, when I took you and Tom and all those other people to > > Boston's Museum of Science, didn't you think it was odd that I went out > > of my way to point out the "1514" hidden at the bottom of DŸrer's > > "Melancholia" on the wall of "Mathematica" just so that then I could make > > fun of you a month later for forgetting about that? > > No, because all I remember is the moebius train Monorail, Leah, monorail. Calling a monorail a train is like calling Young Elvis a guy who runs around trying to sing and isn't cool in any way. > and the 509 lightbulbs, which always makes me wonder if you sat there > one day and counted all the lightbulbs. See, Leah, the point of that lightbulb thing -- which was broken the day you were there -- was that it teaches you how to mul-ti-ply. So if you push "8" and "8" and "8" on the buttons, and 8x8x8 cube of light bulbs is supposed to light up and you have one point five seconds to count them all to learn "Oh. 512!" before it goes "GONG!" and resets. However, even if it hadn't been completely broken, it still would have given the wrong answer because at least three bulbs are burned out at any given moment, more on weekends, which is why at the Museum of Science teaches you that eight to the third power is somewhere between 0 and 509. > Did you also count all the balls in the probability generator? Do you mean the Galton Board, or that thing that is the opposite of the thing Douglas Adams made up and would cancel his life's work out and make all his books really boring and predictable? > Did you ever find out why there are ten or twelve mystery white balls > in the probability generator? If you listened closely, you would have noticed that whenever one of them came out of the gumball machine you'd hear Dawn Wells do an impression of the MovieFone guy yelling "POWERBALL!!!" and then a picture of Burgess Meredith painted on the back glass would break its back glasses. And then Robbie The Robot with the top half of his head sliced off for space reasons would say "THE ROBOT CAN HELP!" and the clock would start going backwards except it's always broken. Then it would go "GONG!" Unless you're talking about Somerville Lanes & Games, in which case all 509 balls are equivalent to the Powerball, and both staircases in the Addams Family house are the expensive one which awards you one of the two letters that spell T-H-I-N-G. Just don't try playing their Star Trek machine because one of the three flippers is stuck up, one of the three flippers is stuck down, and the other one's kinda drunk. > Maybe those are the souls of Durer, Mardersteig, Pacioli and Novarese. You're confusing them with Nicola Tesla and Patrick McGoohan. -- K. My Web server appears to be down at the moment. IT MUST BE THOSE DAMN HACKERS! I'M TELLING JANET RENO! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A scene from a life - NOW YOU CAN CHANGE THE STORY! Date: Thu, 17 Feb 2000 07:37:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > KABOOM! New Improved Two-Way Over-Acting Kontext-Away makes a Triple Snip! > [...] > > I helped dozens of people with their homework when I was in college, > and never thought I'd actually get anything out of it... > [...] > I wonder if any of them thought I was doing it in the expectation of > somehow seducing them. > > [...] KAZOO! Kontext-Away is jammed back into its storage and disposal tube! And then Matt told me about his problem and I said "AYYYYYYYY! SIT ON IT! WHOA!!!!" and I rode my motorcycle to Arnold's, where I thumped the wall to make Pat Morita turn into Al Molinaro but then a tiny postcard of Arnold's burned down in an ashtray and so we had to rebuild it and we turned it into a roller disco and I started telling everyone how they should only listen to opera music and adopt wisecracking black kids and Max Headroom was the special guest star but then we got cancelled halfway through my final "AYYYYYYYYYY!" -- K. I always liked how the camera zoomed in on the "SIT ON IT!" written on the wall during the title sequence, to make "SIT ON IT!" even more thrilling. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A scene from a life - NOW YOU CAN CHANGE THE STORY! Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 08:28:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "robert lindsay" (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I always liked how the camera zoomed in on the "SIT ON IT!" > > written on the wall during the title sequence, to make > > "SIT ON IT!" even more thrilling. > > Which was unnecessary, because it would be impossible to make > "SIT ON IT!" any more thrilling. Ah, so THAT'S the nature of the research that NASA spent $10,000,000,000 on. -- K. "What if a chimp said 'SIT ON IT!' on Uranus?" "Tried it. It only got a point three seven on the Larf scale." "What if he had a funny hat?" "Okay, prep the launch pad..." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: TV news teaser of the day. Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 08:21:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com This morning on the 5 A.M. local news: "Windows 2000 goes public today... so why don't people seem to care?" -- K. And why don't I care about anything else on the 5 A.M. local news either? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Plea for chili. Kibo needs chili. Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 08:39:39 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [concerning canned chili] > > > > By the way, Texas Pete's canned chili hot dog sauce is the very worst > > thing anywhere near that list. Wolf's and Stagg's are the best. > > Stagg's is dangerous. > Let's just leave it at that. But Stagg's is a fine quality product, as is evidenced by the fact that it comes in exactly the same cans as Trader Joe's different chili, and every one of the Stagg's or Trader Joe's cans is stamped with "EST199" at the end, just like Chi-Chi's and El Torito and Hormel, because Food Canning ESTablishment #199 is Hormel and, basically, all canned chilis except for Wolf's are secretly made by Hormel. Really, Stagg's is Hormel. They even show a picture of it in their annual report. My favorite sentence from said report: -> Military accounts, casinos and ski resorts created new growth -> opportunities for Stagg chili and Stagg corned beef hash. They don't admit to making Trader Joe's, and Trader Joe's pretends they make all their own products, but I have all the evidence I need to convict them. -- K. I bet they don't even make their own aloe vera hair gel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: US TV show 'Baywatch' struggles to stay afloat Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 22:46:12 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com > LOS ANGELES, Feb 18 (AFP) - "Baywatch," the US TV show that > gained popularity by featuring leggy, swimsuit-clad female > lifeguards, (played by David Hasselhoff) > is itself in need of a lifeline. MUST... RESIST... URGE... TO... MAKE... REGIS... PHILBIN... REFERENCE... > "The situation is awful right now," Greg Bonann, creator of the > series, told USA Today in an interview published Friday. Excuse me, you misspelled "s-h-o-w" as "s-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n". > Last year, authorities of Hawaii paid producers of the show six > million dollars to abandon Los Angeles and relocate their set to the > islands. > Now this money has been spent, and Bonann, according to USA > Today, is asking his benefactors for an additional 2.5 million > dollars. > "If we can't get assistance from the state, there's no chance > the show is coming back," warned Bonann. "Baywatch' will be out of > business forever." Aww! > The series were launched by NBC in April 1989, but the > television network was not impressed by its ratings and refused to > renew it for another season. Shows how skilled those people at NBC are. They can't even keep "Baywatch" cancelled! This is the same problem they've had with other similar shows like "seaQuest DSV" and "Star Trek". > However, "Baywatch" producers decided to continue shooting the > series after securing sales overseas. In 1990, I kept making fun of news reports which told me David Hasselhair had spent his life savings to buy all rights to "Baywatch" from NBC so that he could keep it on the air. I laughed and laughed and then I noticed he had kept the show on the air for ten years and made it the #1 show in the world and made millions and millions of dollars and gained a free German recording career and now I am very sad. > The popularity of the show based on fictional exploits of > lifeguards patrolling a beach peaked in 1994, when it was watched by > an estimated one billion viewers in 128 countries, according to USA > Today. > But six years later, the viewership declined to only 100 > million. AWW! Only a HUNDRED MILLION people like his jiggle show! That's far less than the number who watch quality programming like "The Ben Stiller Show"! I will now have nightmares about those 100 people forming their own country, Baywatchia, and installing David Hasselhoff as their god-emperor. > To add insult to injury, the show's lead male star, David > Hasselhoff, announced in November that he was relinquishing his role > in the series and would appear in them only occasionally. Aww! That means they'll have to fill the time with more close-ups of sexy girls' butts! > The reputation of "Baywatch" is also believed to have suffered > when it was revealed that 15 sun-tanned beauties, who graced the > show at one time or another, later appeared on the pages of the > men's magazine "Playboy" without any swimsuits. Yeah, and none of the guys who watches "Baywatch" can stand the thought that those bikini bimbos might sometime actually show off their bodies. (I think everyone watches "Baywatch" just to hear David Hasselhoff sing the theme song.) > According to USA Today, "Baywatch" producers are now placing > their hopes on a bill considered by Hawaiian legislators that would > create a five-million-dollar fund to support Hawaii's television > industry. THERE OUGHTA BE A LAW THAT SAYS THAT ALL THE TAX DOLLARS IN THE WORLD SHOULD GO TO BAYWATCH!!! -- K. And if the IRS audits you, you won't be allowed to watch "Baywatch" until you pay up! (You'll have to watch "Viper" and "NightMan" and "Team Knight Rider" instead!) (Yes, I know "Team Knight Rider" is long gone. But let's face it, it was the best show ever to feature a talking car that could turn into two motorcycles.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: US TV show 'Baywatch' struggles to stay afloat Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 08:57:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > (Yes, I know "Team Knight Rider" is long gone. But let's face it, > > it was the best show ever to feature a talking car that could turn > > into two motorcycles.) > > Ok, this is weird because we were *just* talking about TKR the > other day. My wife and I started watching it b/c Kibo > made fun of it, and then it became a regular thing to play cards > in front of, so whatever. The first several episodes were great > because they sucked and they didn't know that they sucked, so > they *honestly sucked*. No shame in that. Then, they started > doing all this tongue-in-cheek, incredibly lame slapstick > type stuff with the mechanic and it got pretty close to > unwatchable. Then, for the last 2 or 3 episodes, they were > actually good, somehow. Like, I was disappointed when I > missed one. It went from "Eeeeew! Another scene with the cook!" > to "LOOK OUT, TREK!" Please describe the plots of these Actually Good "Team Knight Rider" episodes. I somehow missed them when I watched every episode three times. (I only watched 'em that many times 'cause they sucked.) -- K. Also, did it ever become as Actually Good as the original "Knight Rider"? I bet it didn't because "Knight Rider" was awesomely good, like first-season "seaQuest". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Departmental Tours at Boston Public Library Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 23:04:21 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "llow" (llow@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > An elegantly-dressed man, with the name "Mr. Copley" written on his > > velour top hat, ambles into view on his peg leg.] > > This is the bestest snow day Kibo post ever! I had seriously hoped that Don Saklad would follow up to that with a serious explanation of how Mr. Copley wasn't the guy who lost the leg, the naked boy in his picture was, but no, Don Saklad responded with a random non-sequitur about the library. I was expecting better than a non-sequitur in response to my non-sequitur. So, llow, you're a'llow'ed to enjoy my romantic fantasy of the bygone days when there was not yet a Boston Public Library to have destroyed Don Saklad's brain, but I will consider that article a failure because it did not move Don Saklad to say something logical. Scientists predict that someday Don Saklad will say something logical, but only if protons don't decay and the Universe goes on forever and ever. -- K. I'm watching "The Simpsons" on Channel 50 (Al Karprielian's home) so all the characters have fluorescent green skin instead of the usual realistic tone. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ATTN: Leah Verre Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 23:08:06 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Roger Douglas (new Durian Recipe)" (rdouglas@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > > > [...doodle doodle doo-dah...] > > > > Some modern scholars, however, believe that mandrake is a mistranslation > > for a similar word, possibly "mandrill", a large West African baboon, > > BLASPHEME YE AGAINST THE HOLY RITE OF THE MANDRILL AND TEAPOT?????!!! > > By St. Halftoned Bell Labs Secretary With Giant Beehive Hair, I CURSE YOU! You forgot to mention that the beehive was shaped exactly like Abraham Lincoln's hat and that they stole it from a Salvador Dal’ painting. That would have allowed me to segue to a mention of those serious of four progressively evil cat paintings that show up in every Abnormal Psychology textbook under "Schizophrenia". -- K. They always suppress kitty #5, who is reading alt.religion.kibology. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New study confirms Internet for lonely loOzers Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 23:49:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > > > Now, take another moment to recall how many people you've interacted > > with today -- five? three? zero? -- and for how long. > > Erch. You hath reminded me of The Customers. You must now Die Horribly. Hey, Dave, the question is, are any of your Subway customers Mike O.? Do you serve Dr. Pepper? Do you serve it in anything other than spillproof d***y cups? If so, then you're at risk of a Mike O. incident. Also, I got diarrhea once at Subway. And I didn't even order it! -- K. Appended is the second half of Roger Ebert's review of a movie worse than diarrhea. -> The HAPPY GILMORE character is very strange. I guess we are supposed to -> like him. He loves his old Grandma, and wins the heart of a pretty p.r. -> lady (Julie Bowen), who tries to teach him to control his temper. Yet, as -> played by Sandler, he doesn't have a pleasing personality: He seems angry -> even when he's not supposed to be angry, and his habit of pounding -> everyone he dislikes is rather tiring in a PG-13 movie. At one point, he -> even knocks the bottom off a beer bottle and goes for Shooter. -> -> It was a Heineken's beer, I think. The label was a little torn. Maybe -> nobody paid for product placement. HAPPY GILMORE is filled with so many -> plugs it looks like a product placement sampler in search of a movie. I -> probably missed a few, but I counted Diet Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi Max, Subway -> sandwich shops, Budweiser (in bottles, cans, and Bud-dispensing helmets), -> Michelob, Visa cards, Bell Atlantic, AT&T, Sizzler, Wilson, Golf Digest, -> the ESPN sports network, and Top-Flite golf balls. -> -> I'm sure some of those got in by accident (the modern golf tour has ads -> plastered on everything but the grass), but I'm fairly sure Subway paid -> for placement, since they scored one Subway sandwich eaten outside a -> store, one date in a Subway store, one Subway soft drink container, two -> verbal mentions of Subway, one Subway commercial starring Happy, a Subway -> T-shirt, and a Subway golf bag. Halfway through the movie, I didn't know -> what I wanted more: laughs, or mustard. [Roger Ebert is Copyright (C) 1996 Microsoft Inc., because he's in Microsoft Cinemania '97, which contained only information that was already a year old, and is now even older because '97 is still the current edition of Microsoft Cinemania. This is because it was Microsoft's funnest product, and therefore had to be killed.] ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New study confirms Internet for lonely loOzers Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 07:21:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey, Dave, the question is, are any of your Subway customers Mike O.? > > I don't know. I -try- not to ask them their names. He should be easy to spot. Look for these telltale warning signs: DAVE Here's your sandwich. MIKE O. (handing over the money) And now I'll show you what I think of this sandwich! (He spits in it and then throws it in the trash.) Here's another three dollars, give me another. DAVE (puzzled) O-kay... here's another sandwich. MIKE O. And THIS is what I think of THIS sandwich! (He takes the top bun off and then drops his pants and wipes his butt with the sandwich meat, and then giggles and runs out of the restaurant with mustard all over his butt.) At least, that's what he's SUPPOSED to do. I suspect that in reality the actual ritualized interaction goes something more like this: DAVE Here's your sandwich. MIKE O. (very nervous and shy) Th-thank you. (He eats the sandwich quietly, then leaves without saying goodbye. Now we see him typing on his WebTV.) DEAR INTERNET, YOU SHOULDA SEEN ME! I WAS AWESUM! I POURED A 144-OUNCE DR PEPPER ALL OVER THE SUBWAY COUNTER AND THEN STUFFED EIGHT SANDWICHES UP THE MANAGER'S NOSE AND THEN STOLE ALL THEIR MONEY AND HAD SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AND ALL THE COPS IN THE WORLD WATCHED ME AND APPLAUDED! I DID ALL THAT EIGHT TIMES TODAY! (From offstage, we hear his mom reminding him it's his bedtime.) > > Do you serve Dr. Pepper? Do you serve it in anything other than > > spillproof d***y cups? If so, then you're at risk of a Mike O. incident. > > Oh, _that_. Our Mike O. is named Kevin Chapman; fortunately for us (but > unfortunately for Ziggy-next-door) he doesn't spill it here, he spills it > next door. Details, details. Also, do you have any of those yellow "CAUTION WET FLOOR" signs? Do you leave them up all the time, or just after Kevin Chapman's been there? Please don't tell me you have one of those weenie dining areas with "CAUTION WET FLOOR" permanently printed on the wall or anything. -- K. Also, every time someone mentions Mike O., there is an inserted closeup of me looking at Pope Emperor Frogman, and then an inserted closeup of him shaking his head sadly, and then a closeup of me shaking my head sadly, and we're always wearing the same gray suits and ties. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New study confirms Internet for lonely loOzers Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 00:45:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > STOP! > > Before you read this posting, take a moment to compute how much time > you've spent on the Internet today. More than an hour? Two? Five? Remember, you can be ON or IN a TV show, but you can only be IN a movie, or ON a TV network, or IN real life, and you can only be ON the Internet because the Internet is more like a TV network than real life. > Now, take another moment to recall how many people you've interacted with > today -- five? three? zero? -- and for how long. About eighty thousand, counting you guys. > A mere exchange of "HiHowAreYas"? A few minutes around the water cooler > to discuss that memorable "Charles In Charge" episode that changed your > perception of the world and your place in it? > A half-hour discussing the boss' upcoming birthday and what swell things > to get for him or her? > > Be honest with yourself. A recently released study indicates that if you > spend too much time online and not enough having conversations with > real-live people, READING ANY MORE alt.religion.kibology POSTS LIKE THIS > MIGHT BE REALLY UNHEALTHY AND MAYBE MAKE YOU DO BAD THINGS!!1!! Excuse me, but first you said it was a "posting" and now you called it a "post" and if you can't make up your mind, I don't know why I should be pretending to talk to you here on this lame communications medium! > If this is the case for you, DO NOT READ ANY MORE OF THIS. Push yourself > AWAY from the computer, go OUT into the street and TRY to UPSTAGE the LATE PETER FINCH!!! > find people to talk to. Right now. Make friends with the new neighbor, > the one who apparently seems to like power tools and shovels. That was a good episode of "TV Nation". It's a shame the network wouldn't show the part where the guy hung up the banner saying "Kids Only Party, Saturday, No Grownups" above where he buried the 55-gallon drums. > Talk to your local librarian -- But be sure to introduce yourself as "It's okay, I am not Don Saklad." > ask how much longer before the building sinks into the ground from the > weight of all the books; he/she is sure to get a laugh out of that one. > Find a 7-11 and invite the cashier to describe the history of the El Taco. "What's an El Taco?" is the response you are most likely to get at any 7-Eleven that sells El Tacos. > Don't become just another Internet statistic. Live your life to its fullest. Then keep living past the fullest, and make your life POP! > Pull the plug. Who do you think I am, Nancy Reagan? > Sean ("I'm debating whether to use Tony Danza or Scott Baio for the > voice-over") Why not split the difference and use Leonardo DiCaprio drunk? -- K. I'm still hoping he'll make a "Titanic" sequel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New study confirms Internet for lonely loOzers Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 00:35:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > > > Erch. You hath reminded me of The Customers. You must now Die > > Horribly. > > NO1!1!! NOT THE CUSTOMERS1!! > :::Retail-hail flashback ensues::: > NO! YOU CAN'T PAY WITH ANTIGUAN DOLLARS!! BUT THEY SAY "DOLLARS" RIGHT ON THEM! > NO! YOU MUST PAY THE PRICE THAT IS MARKED! BUT IT DOESN'T SAY "NON-NEGOTIABLE" ON THIS ONE-CENTIMETER STICKER! > NO! YOU HAVE TO PAY SALES TAX! NO! I DON'T HAVE CHANGE FOR TWO $100 BILLS! BUT ALL I WANTED WAS FIVE $50 BILLS! > NO! YOU CAN NOT SMOKE IN HERE! BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE I'M NOT PREGNANT! > NO! WE DON'T CARRY GREETING CARDS! ALL I WANT IS A FLUFFY BUNNY CARD, SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR NON-HAPPY-GREETING-CARD-CARRYING STORE! > NO! WE DON'T HAVE AN `EX-PRESSO' CART! Now I'm confused. Is this a shopping cart sized only to hold a Sanford Expresso felt-tip marker? Is it a shopping cart that makes your coffee taste all beatnicky? Or is it just a shopping cart that is much more floridly, flamboyantly, histrionically expressive than the regular kind that just sit there? > NO! I *DON'T* CARE ABOUT YOUR `CUSTOMER SATISFACTION'! NO! I MEAN - YES! > I *AM* THE FUCKING MANAGER! NO! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR *FUCKING* `CUSTOMER > SATISFACTION'! Hey, hey, there's no need for swearing here. There was already one f-word about fifteen lines above, so for you to stick some more in here was serious overkill. Don't jump on the f-ing bandwagon just because I did! IF ALL THE OTHER KIDS IN YOUR CLASS SAID THE F-WORD, WOULD YOU? > YES! YOU HAVE TO PAY THE PRICE THAT'S MARKED! THIS IS NOT A RUMMAGE SALE! I prefer the term "GARAGE SALE" because as Jerry Scott once pointed out in a "Nancy" strip, you can shove one "B" into the sign to make it even better. But working at a computer store, a fast-food joint, a video-rental place, or a supermarket can't possibly hold a candle to certain other jobs where you would encounter problematic bozos: * Bartender. * Casino employee. * One of those telephone operators who will give you the number for your long-lost cousin you last saw 30 years ago even though you only remember the middle third of his last name and don't know which state he lives in. (Like the one in the TV commercial who finds "Pete Zoria" when asked to find the only person in the world who sounds like "Pizzeria".) * Costumed "Star Trek" theme park employee in Ferengi makeup. * Costumed Mickey Mouse. * Regular Mickey Mouse. * Graphic designer. Here's my new rule of thumb: For any given job, either all the customers are bozos, or else all the employees are bozos, but not usually both. So, here's another story from my recent weekend in Vegas: I went into a little neighborhood market to look for canned chili. (They had canned whole chickens, bones and all, and they also had frozen buttered hamburger patties.) There were two checkout lanes. The one on the left was shorter, so I got in it, and then I noticed that the grizzled local at the head of the line was slowly counting out two hundred and ninety-eight pennies to pay for his food. So, I got in the other line. There, a different grizzled local was trying to buy food with a casino slot token. Those Las Vegas areas between the casinos and the suburbs are creepy. Ever store is a liquor store, pawn shop, bail bonds, or a billboard advertising vasectomy reversal. And there was that one pawn shop that had three wheelchairs in the front window. So, anyway, I don't feel the Internet is as destructive to lonely lo0zers as Las Vegas is. -- K. I'm happy that I stayed at the Super 8 Motel in the upscale part of town. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Not b4 we know -The strategy Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2000 23:54:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > Don Saklad (dsaklad@zurich.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > > > The strategy getting tested together before sex > > is what we did 2 days after meeting. We're both male. > > ...Oh, okay. Don _is_ gay. I was just -wondering-, Kibo. You know, if I'm ever in danger of turning all gay and stuff, I'll just remind myself that Don Saklad just might be gay, and that'll scare me straight. -- K. "I would like the work of a librarian." -- Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory true/false question that detects TWO things about Don ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: In the news today. Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 02:00:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press posted: > > Subject: Hi-C Products Recalled in Southeast > > ATLANTA (AP) -- The Minute Maid Co. has recalled some of its Hi-C > products from stores in Georgia, Florida and South Carolina because > of what company officials call ``a sour taste.'' Oh no! You mean some citric acid somehow got into their artificial chemical-based colored beverages? And also: > Subject: Toymakers Showcase Lines for 2000 > > NEW YORK (AP) -- Will talking dogs or dolls be the must-have toys > of 2000? How about Web-linked games or Harry Potter action figures? > Only a few toys will ever become nationwide selling sensations, > but the scouts are ready to start figuring out which may be this > year's hot toys. The hunt begins this weekend in New York when the > nation's toymakers and retailers gather at the American > International Toy Fair. > What will surely catch their eye: The plethora of high-tech toys > that have vast interactive capabilities as well as lots of > extensions of popular toys of years past, including Pokemon, Furby > and Barbie. NEW! FURBY BARBIE! POKEBARBIE! JARJARBARBARBIE! > ``Technology is everywhere. That's a given these days,'' said > Chris Byrne, a New York-based toy industry consultant. ``But there > are a lot of other fun things out there that may pique their > interests.'' > Last year was a strong one for the toy industry, recovering from > a disappointing 1998. Toy stores were crowded throughout the year -- > not just during Christmas -- thanks to a number of popular items > that enticed shoppers. > Among the big hits was anything linked to the popular Japanese > cartoon Pokemon and the new ``Star Wars'' movie. Even the > interactive Furby dolls, introduced in 1998, flew off store shelves, and bit people's faces, > with more than 12 million units sold last year. My Furby's defective. He doesn't seem to have a unit. > But now toymakers are challenged to keep the excitement going, > something analysts say may not be too easy. Especially what with modern toys sucking and all. > [...] > Mattel's newest dolls are called Diva Starz, four figurines > dressed in hip clothing that move their heads, eyes and eyelids, > and can speak with whomever is playing with them and to each other. > Fisher-Price has a yet-to-be-named robotic dog for preschoolers > that responds only to her owner's voice. Unless, of course, there are such things as identical twins in the world. It's a good thing no sets of twins have been born since they made twins illegal in 1958. > [...] > Radica's Norm Nutman is a sports trivia game that can tap the > Web for fresh data. CUT TO: (Commissioner flashes the NutSignal in the sky, and NutMan swoops down to kick the bad guys in the nuts.) > Hasbro's eSpecially My Barney AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK > is a plush purple dinosaur that can link online to get new games, songs > and nursery rhymes. And it has an eTrociously eMetic name. > ``We are starting to see the toymakers get more and more > advanced when it comes to technology, and they are making playtime > so much more exciting for kids,'' said Byrne, the toy industry > consultant. Yeah, playtime used to be BORING back when kids just had Legos and Crayolas and Barbie and stuff. Toys are no fun unless they require you to buy an Internet connection so that they can download new vocabulary words they'll use tell you how you may play with them and what accessories you must buy for them. > [...] > The latest addition to the Barbie craze is Mattel's Jewel Girl > Barbie, who wears trendy fashions and has a more realistic body, > including wider hips and a belly button -- the first time ever a > Barbie has had one. Oh, come on. I know LOTS of people who have used power drills on their Barbie dolls. > Sesame Street's Elmo will be back again with Let's Pretend Elmo > by Fisher-Price. Kids can pose the red, furry doll like a monster > or an airplane, and he will emulate the sounds of that thing. I'd hate to think what he would do in a fetal position. > And there won't a be shortage of toys tied to popular movies and > television shows. Oh, what a relief! > Toymakers like these products because they receive free advertising from dumb wire-service "news" stories > the heavy publicity that these shows get. > > Tiger Electronics has an electronic tabletop game based on the > TV show, ``Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.'' Okay, all together now -- Leno, Letterman, and Conan -- "Mine's broken. It just screams 'IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?' over and over in an irritating voice." > Playmates will have action figures, plush dolls and electronic toys > based on ``The Grinch Who Stole Christmas,'' due out this holiday season. Yes, action figures based on live-action movies based on cartoons are stupid (watch out for "Rocky & Bullwinkle" with Robert DeNiro) but Trendmasters has something better: Action figures based on L. Ron Hubbard's "Battlefield Earth". I am not making this up. (I wonder what color E-meter the John Travola-as-the-nine-foot-tall-alien figure includes.) In other news: > Subject: Birds may pass on Lyme disease And I may take a pass on that article. Next! > Subject: For shoppers, Cupid follows Santa Claus on to the Internet Probably into one of those gay chat rooms. I mean, you got these two guys who like pink fur... Hmm, I sense a sitcom in the works. "One's a twink, one's a bear, and they're both chubby chasers living an alternative lifestyle on the Internet! Coming this fall on The All-Gay Sitcom Channel!" (Seriously, if 10% of the world is allegedly gay, why isn't there an All-Gay Channel? I mean other than "E!".) > Subject: Extreme Sports Dominate Gear Market But I thought the market was still divided between Spacely and Cogswell. > Subject: Socks, light fixtures recalled So, now President Clinton's sitting in a room with no light and no cat. > Subject: Gore Torn Between Unions, Blacks All these problems would be solved if they'd just allow blacks to join unions. > Subject: Gas blast in Kiev school basement kills three, wounds nine Okay, Leno, Letterman, Conan, here's where you can make you greasy cafeteria food joke. -- K. And hey, what about airline food? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: House sittign. Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 07:59:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I'm here at home, taking care of my parents' dog Murphy, while my parents > are on vacation. > > Murphy won't eat, though.... I'll change the food in the bowl tomorrow > morning. Why not just flush it like everyone else? > He seems to always get like this when his mommy isn't around. But, Nick, while your parents are out, YOU'RE the mommy now! > Urban sprawl has scarred my dog's mind. Yeah, but unless it's pushed your dog past George Hammond on the Normal-To-Manley Hubbell scale, I think he'll be okay. > I also took Murphy for a walk around 10:00. It was the only way I could > get him out of his coma; he loves walks. Mention the word "walk" or > even the letter W and he snaps out of whatever he's doing and gets all > hyper. That's no dog! That's Bert from "Sesame Street"! Does he sing that annoying "W Is The Letter We Love" song all day? Does Ernie keep following him around and giggling and eating cookies in bed with him? ENQUIRING PEOPLE WITH THE MINDS OF PRE-SCHOOLERS WANT TO KNOW! > I think it's been a while for him, and he refused to leave the > house through the front door for some reason, except to bark at the > leash briefly. That dog ain't right. All dogs are wired up funny. Ever notice how there's this one spot on his belly that, if rubbed, causes him to talk about "Space: 1999"? > Tomorrow for breakfast: Ultra Slim-Fast. > > [...] > > If Conan O'Brien sees a joke that will provoke him to say "CAUSE > HE'S FAT!" afterwards, he should not tell that joke. So, Nick, when you're sitting around your parents' house, are you sitting AROUND the house? See, unlike Conan, I can tell those jokes correctly without doing the "CAUSE HE'S FAT!" dance. Now I'm doing the much cooler "HA HA I DIDN'T ADD 'CAUSE HE'S FAT!' AFTER THE JOKE!" dance. -- K. Oh, dear, Robby The Robot is on "The Banana Splits" with that crummy-looking cylindrical head that showed up whenever someone could only afford to rent the bottom 2/3 of the "Robby" costume. "Lighting that glass dome is hard! Take it off and put on this silver-painted cardboard cylinder left over from a Buster Crabbe serial instead." In a perfect world, Robbie's head would be a giant Nixie tube whose cathodes would be shaped like funny words such as "NOUGAT" and "VOLVOX" and "NIXIE". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: FDA inspection rules (again.) Date: Sat, 19 Feb 2000 08:17:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I was browsing through the list of secret codes that government inspectors write on imported products to reject them for the flimsiest of reasons (it's not like a few cockroaches in your coffee are going to change the nutritional value for the worse) and I noticed that they were all eight- or nine-letter abbrs (counting the spaces.) Here are a few examples: > Reason: LENS CERT That presumably means that someone needs to have a lens certified. Let me look it up: > Section: 502(a), 801(a)(3); MISBRANDING > Charge: The lenses are declared by accompanying certificate > to meet the requirements for impact-resistant lenses in 21 > CFR 801.410 but does not appear to be impact-resistant. Yep. > Reason: LIST INGRE Oh, that must mean that they are required to list the ingredients. > Section: 403(i)(2), 801(a)(3); MISBRANDING > Charge: It appears the food is fabricated from two or more > ingredients and the label does not list the common or usual > name of each ingredient. Guessed it again. > Reason: LISTERIA That means that the Listerine is adulterated with Listeria. > Section: 402(a)(1), 801(a)(3); ADULTERATION > Charge: The article appears to contain Listeria, a poisonous > and deleterious substance which may render it injurious to > health. Yep. Let's try one more: > Reason: MFR INSAN This means that the manufacturer is insane. > Section: 801(a)(1); INSANITARY MANUFACTURING, PROCESSING OR PACKING > Charge: The article appears to have been manufactured, > processed, or packed, under insanitary conditions. Oh. Well, then what code _do_ they use when the manufacturer _is_ insane? I need to know because I'm inspecting this case of chocolate bunnies whose heads are wrapped in aluminum foil. -- K. It's a product of that recent merger between Fanny Farmer and Lyndon Larouche. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Al Karprielian Rules Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 08:45:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com John J Devine (JJDEVINE@prodigy.net) wrote: > > Hi, > > Was reading a post referring to Al Karprielian. All I have to say that if > there is anyone to get weather from, it is this guy. Most of the other > "weather people" out there are just actors. I*dare* you to say that about Al's friend Marty Angstrom! Matt McIrvin does a wonderful impression of him at parties, except Matt never quite acts awkward enough. Matt needs to learn to be more awkward. I have a tape of a Bucky Lewis Christmas special where Bucky talks to Marty and Al all on the same screen at the same time and it's SO MUCH LOCAL WHATEVER-THE-OPPOSITE-OF-TALENT-IS THAT MY TV SCREEN EXPLODES whenever I watch it, which is about once a year (usually nowhere near Christmas.) > Al is the real thing. Weather is his thing. > > Even though I'm not from New Hampshire, I wish I was, so that Al's weather > would mean something to me. Still, I try to watch him as much as possible. > > Also, Channel 50 is the only TV station left (in the US) that has > competitive candlepin bowling on. I hate candlepin bowling for three reasons: (1) Several years ago, when "ReBoot" was new, Channel 5 kept pre-empting it for candlepin bowling without telling anyone. Sometimes they'd just pre-empty the first half. Sometimes just the last half. (2) As I've said many times before, candlepin bowling is a weenie game. Here is an actual diagram: PINS (actual size) | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | _ | | | | | (_) | | BALL (actual size) Know that trigonometry exercise where you keep throwing toothpicks on the floor and compute the value of pi from the number that touch a crack and break your mother's back? Well, the probability of that dinky little weenie teensy ball touching any of twiggish pins is considerably lower than the probability of the toothpick falling on a crack, even if you drop the toothpick from orbit. (3) No Serious Bowler would ever bowl with the free balls they have lying around the alley. (Most of them have lady-sized finger-holes, anyway.) A Serious Bowler will buy their own ball for normal bowling. However, for candlepin, the Serious Bowler is required to buy a box of FOUR balls even though they are only ever allowed to use THREE balls in a candlepin frame! This is a bigger ripoff than when they decided to make hot dogs come in packs of 59 and buns in packs of 61! -- K. Candlepin bowling was invented by Martin Luther, which supports my theory that Lutherans aren't good at sports. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mmm mmm mmm. Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 08:52:41 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote (and then Peter mangled > the attribution line): > > > > WHY HAVE I BEEN DENYING MYSELF FOR SO LONG? > > > > Carrots are great. > > Yeh. I *found* carrots last October. Now you people know how I feel when I discovered hot sauces that weren't as lame as Tabasco. However, you should forget hot sauce and carrots and most other foods and bow down before my new Nutrition Trapezoid Of All Foods Ever: +-----------------------------------------------+ \ ALL FOOD SHOULD BE BLUE RASPBERRY FLAVOR. / \-------------------------------------------/ \ EXCEPT FOR CHERRY PEZ. / \---------------------------------------/ Notice there is no layer of cheese in my Nutrition Trapezoid Of All Foods Ever. You may mail my Nobel Prize to: Me. Thank you, and bonap a teet! -- K. Does anyone else think Julia Child is married to Mr. Rogers? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mmm mmm mmm. Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 10:04:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Notice there is no layer of cheese in my Nutrition Trapezoid. > > Last night the topic of your hatred of cheese came up, and I think you > should answer to this. > > Does your no-cheese rule include pizza? > > IT'S PIZZA! COME ON! Everybody eats pizza! I bet they even eat pizza > in Japan, right Beable? I've had a horrifying pre-packaged Japanese "pizza" mix that made a squid- flavored fritter, topped with seaweed and mayonnaise. Eww. The best Japanese pizza is the kind with the creamed corn on it. In answer to your question, NO CHEESE, EVER. Pizzas with lots of meat are quite good that way. Crumbled sausage, bacon, pepperoni, Chinese sausage, venison, whatever. Avoid Uno's "cheeseless plizzeta" which seems to be aimed at people who don't eat cheese but like pickled artichoke heads. -- K. Also, cheeseless White Castles are the only good kind. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My, what, fifth post? Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 08:55:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > [in a series of articles caused by the munchies] > > I've posted so many posts this weekend. CAN I BE STOPPED? > > I DON'T THINK SO. > > WHITE CHOCOLATE IS GOOD, AND I HAVE A BAG OF VERY CUTE PUFFED CORN AND > CHEEZ BALLS. It's official. You have just become the new reincarnation of Archimedes. -- K. Your new job at the Dartmouth kitchen will have a generous three-cent pay increase ever year until you win the Nobel, at which point it becomes five cents. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: South Park movie up for Academy award Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2000 09:05:38 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Jaffo (jaffo@jaffo.com) wrote: > > > > In this [alternate] reality, Matt McIrvin is funnier than Kibo, > > Ted Frank bags groceries at Super-K, and Jaffo is a crossdressing > > hairdresser from Iowa. > > Please. I bagged groceries at National #14 on Gen'l DeGaulle Highwway in > Algiers, LA. > > *And* ran the laser-scanner. [begin Thrice-Told Tale Times Ten] In the late 1980s I sort of bagged groceries at a Great American outside Schenectady, except they never actually let me bag groceries because I had to unclog their toilet nine times a day and gather up mountains of rancid cottage cheese that were lying in their parking lot of some reason, and then they'd yell at me for not responding to their requests for me over the loudspeakers which were only audible where the customers were allowed to go and not near the clogged toilet or the dunes of clotted cheese. When they suddenly had to lay off half the employees due to severe financial mismanagement (i.e. HQ found out they'd been violating their budgetary restrictions, the state found out they'd been violating labor laws, and the inspectors found mounds of moldy cottage cheese in their parking lot) I profusely thanked the manager for firing me. And since then, I have formally refused any job which involves any of the following: (a) orange double-knit polyester vest (b) purple clip-on bow tie (also made of double-knit polyester) (c) piles of rancid white slime in an outdoor environment (d) five cents an hour above minimum wage unless you take the AFL-CIO initiation fee into account (e) senior citizens catching me sweeping the parking lot at 6:57 A.M. and complaining that we're not open yet because it's plenty late in the day and besides the sign says "OPEN 24 HOURS" (f) toilets -- K. and (g) watermelons