Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: a supermarket divider bar story of the futuristic year 2000 Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 06:44:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com So I'm at the Prudential Star market. I get in line. The woman ahead of me has brought her husband and son with her so that she can set two or three items on the conveyor belt and make Pop and Junior go back for the other 90% of the groceries while she holds a place in line. So, I get in line behind her, and then immediately Pop and Junior appear and squeeze in ahead of me with armfuls of stuff. They load it onto the forward end of the conveyor belt, putting down the divider bar immediately behind their items, and because there are three of them standing in line to pay as a family, I have to unload my basket onto the end of the belt: (clerk) +----------------------------------------+ | o o o o # o o o o o o | (me) | my stuff # their stuff | | o o o o # o o o o o o | | o o o o # o o o o o o | +----------------------------------------+ (Junior) (Pop) ^ (Mom) | divider bar But, before the clerk begins ringing up the happy family's group purchases, he thoughtfully pulls the spare divider bar from the reservoir and tosses it onto the belt: (clerk) +----------------------------------------+ | o o o o # # o o o o o o | | my stuff # # their stuff | | o o o o # # o o o o o o | | o o o o # # o o o o o o | +----------------------------------------+ (me) (Junior) (Pop) (Mom) Needless to say, I was afraid that the line would halt for an hour as the clerk waited for the Invisible Man to pay for his invisible groceries in his special sealed-off invisible section of the belt. Do YOU have a story about a strange encounter with a divider bar at the grocery-store checkout line? If so, please illustrate it too! -- K. Sometimes when I'm feeling mean I put the bar down rotated ninety degrees. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a supermarket divider bar story of the futuristic year 2000 Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:19:49 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...] > > HATE, said WOX. IF YOU HIRED SANFORD WALLACE TO SPAM THE > WORD HATE NINE HUNDRED AND FORTY TIMES TO EACH OF EIGHTY > THOUSAND NEWSGROUPS FIFTY TIMES A SECOND FROM THE DAY OF > THE GREAT RENAMING TO THE PRESENT IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE > MILLIONTH OF THE GLORIOUS HATE PIE THAT I FEED YOU TODAY. I'm going to tell Harlan Ellison that you're making fun of him and he'll send his wife, Majel Barrett, to come over and beat you up and then he'll make it into a movie directed by Anson Williams and laugh at how rich he's become off your suffering. Of course, the real reason HE had Majel Barrett beat you up just now wasn't because you were making fun of his most famous stories, "Faith Of Our Fathers" and "Typewriter In The Sky", but because you used too many capitals and HE is an expert on how to use computers. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go paint black circles around my eyes and put on a swim cap so I can keep The Terminator from travelling back in time to find his lost mannequin fingers which were hidden throughout Ray Bradbury's house. > ACCEPT NO MISPRINTED VERSIONS OF THIS ARTICLE WITH THE QUOTED > TEXT UPSIDE DOWN! IN THE FUTURE ALL SCHEMES WILL REVERT TO MY > SCHEME! UN-altered reproduction and dissemination of this > IMPORTANT information is ENCOURAGED. In the future, people will still be trying to figure out everything we just said. IF WE'RE LUCKY! -- K. If we're unlucky, they WILL figure out everything we just said. P.S. Is it too late to insert a cameo by Forrest Ackerman into this sentence? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a supermarket divider bar story of the futuristic year 2000 Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 11:08:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Once again, I apologize for this post. I'm getting on a plane in > the next few hours, and in case I die in a massive fireball over > the Atlantic, I wanted to make sure that my last post ever to > alt.religion.kibology wasn't meaningful. George Hammond lived ever day as if it were his last, and now he's gone. But I'm sure he'll be back in a few days, before we find a new mad scientist to play with. (I still miss Manley Hubbell, who mysteriously disappeared long before anyone could figure out what was wrong with him. And Alexander Abian, who passed away.) > Tell... my wives... that I loved them. I will spare you the indignity of seeing the results of running that though my HTML syntax checker. I'll just print the results on your tombstone. -- K. Wouldn't it be funny if I were the next wacko to die on the Internet? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Duchovny Chides Fox Millionaire Show Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 06:56:12 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Associated Press informed me: > > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- David Duchovny calls the Fox network's ``Who > Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire'' a travesty. > ``It was a travesty when it was popular. Now it's a travesty > that it's a hoax,'' the ``X-Files'' star told TV's syndicated > ``Entertainment Tonight.'' Ladies and gentlemen, I have just decided that David Duchovny might be sane. > [...] > > But he admits he also tunes in. ``They're fun to watch. I watch > them too. They're like a bad smell that you got to keep smelling.'' Whoops! Let me fix that. I have now decided that David Duchovny is a PERVERT. -- K. I bet he has a BIG collection of bicycle seats. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Now, THAT'S odd... Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 07:04:06 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I was just sitting here using my computer and my TV set turned itself off. This proves the Government is secretly aiming a super-strength remote control at my apartment! Actually, no, it doesn't. But it does CORROBORATE that theory. I am interested in hearing whatever alternative explanations you people can fabricate. -- K. Is this related to the fact that I forgot to water my cactus for almost a whole week? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Microsoft Network drops Usenet newsgroup support Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 07:27:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Jorn Barger (jorn@mcs.com) wrote: > > > > It breaks my heart to tell ya, but word on the grapevine is that Deja is > > looking to _sell_ the newsgroups part of their business. > > > > (I'm steeling myself for the day when all my posts are just gone...) > > This will ruin Archimedes Plutonium's carefully constructed filing system > for all of his personal information. And on the day that my archive turns out to be the last surviving copy of everything Archie ever wrote, we'll have a big party... and a bonfire... and the purpose of the Universe will have been fulfilled and God will be able to go back to bed and get some sleep for once. -- K. BURN, DEJA, BURN!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: US TV show 'Baywatch' struggles to stay afloat Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 07:31:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [...something we stumbled into through topic drift, if not genetic drift...] "info starlight" (info@starlight.org) wrote: > > "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > That was also the debut of the "sparking ricochet", > > a very unrealistic special effect which still persists > > in Hollywood for some reason. > > Nonsense. When I was in 'Nam, Charlie was always shooting > at us with cheap Chinese tracers that still had plenty of > magnesium on them by the time they got to us. They'd spark > off Jello if they hit at the right angle. I hear that wintergreen Jell-O makes sparks when you bite it in the dark. AND THEN YOUR HEAD EXPLODES! -- K. Ever put your hand into a big pile of Jell-O that used to be in your best friend's mouth? IT'S A FREAKIN' BUG HUNT! GAME OVER, MAN, GAME OVER!!! IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER? I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP! YOU BET YOUR BIPPY! TWENTY-THREE SKIDOOOOOOO! (*** Kibo's head explodes. ***) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.knight-rider From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: US TV show 'Baywatch' struggles to stay afloat Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 07:36:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also all the other cars on both shows were either parked or tooling > > along even more slowly than the ones Adam West used to drive past. > > That was my favorite frequently-played "Knight Rider" sequence: > > 1. KITT trundling along at about 38 mph > > 2. Closeup of digital speedometer: digits racing madly past 100 > > 3. KITT trundling along some more at about 38 mph Matt, that's because KITT was _metric_ because KITT was a car from the _future_, DUHHHHH!!! -- K. By the way, why are all you people talking about "Knight Rider" here in this "Baywatch" chat room? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: #1 sign I'm too old for this crap... Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 07:42:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Also, I still don't understand why those people at Cadbury were sitting > > around the conference table and one said "Hey! Let's make a candy with > > the appearance and texture of raw eggs!" and nobody shot him. > > "Wait, wait. Since it's brown and kind of a prolate spheroid, > why don't we imply that it comes out of a rabbit's BUTT? Because > it's not NASTY enough." J. M., that's just in the _commercials_ that they show their candy coming out of the rabbit's hinder (and very loudly, too, I might add.) Everyone knows that the candy _really_ just comes out of a large mechanical anus powered by the fire in the local medical-waste incinerator. Nothing gross about that. Also, a rabbit doot the size of a Cadbury Egg would require ten dollars' worth of lettuce to produce, and so they wouldn't be able to sell them at a price that would make people want to buy them. -- K. Also, those hollow chocolate bunnies are filled with uranium hexafluoride gas. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stick Figure Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 07:50:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re some book] "Maelstrom" (potsmaster@sga.nu) wrote: > > A picture is worth a thousand words so let me summarise my thoughts > on this oversight and shorten this review. > > ( )--------Waauuugh! No Pictures! > -|- > | > / \ You misspelled ( )--------Waauuugh! No Penis! -|- | / \ He also doesn't have any fingers or toes or face, but those are the least of his problems given the lack of genitalia. On the bright side, because he doesn't have a you-know, he's allowed to walk around naked all the time! The police can't do anything because you're not technically naked if you have no genitalia! -- K. Michael Moore should find a guy with none and put this to the test. Also he still needs to go to a "Star Trek" convention. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: splain me a English thing, here. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 07:56:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re "break" -> "broke"] Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > According to Microsoft Encarta, there are exactly sixty-something > "strong" verbs in the English language that do a vowel shift like this > in the past tense. Yes, but Microsoft Encarta also once drew me a picture of Year 0 on their timeline, so they can't be trusted. More to the point, they just released Windows 2000 with 64,000 "known issues" (i.e. bugs they took notes about so they'd never have to fix them) because Windows is a 16-bit operating system so it can only go up to 64k of bugs. -- K. Also, Microsoft Cinemania spelled "Spinal Tap" incorrectly, like I just did. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My desk broke. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 08:06:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > My desk broke. Nick, last year, we TOLD you not to buy inflatable furniture! -- K. I noticed at the mall that one store had the Darth Maul Inflatable Chair for 50% off, and at another it was 75% off, but I can't find any of the Jar Jar Binks Inflatable Chairs! I really wanted to buy one and inflate it with some of that insulating foam that expands ten thousand times to see if I could make Jar Jar the same shape and size as the conferencing room at work. (You don't think I'd allow him in my home, do you?) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Idea for mind discipline. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 08:20:25 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > I stayed up until after 4 AM last night writing a paper about electrons > even though I am not even a real scientist any more. I think this is a > sign that very soon I am going to write a 6000-page treatise/ > autobiography about how the false orthodoxy of the Big Bang is a > transparent attempt by the power illuminati to suppress the obviously true > fact of Squantum Vacuo-Suction Vibratory In/Out Quintality, and start > wearing a colander on my head to keep out Alien Hits. Either that or you're going to become the new driver of the #66 bus. -- K. Also, once you go insane, I'm going to go find Twirling Boy and invite him to mock you. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Throwing up photons Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 08:24:39 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, Robert J. Kolker (bobkolker@usa.net) wrote: > > After having a light lunch I > took sick and went throwing > up photons. PRIVATE MEMO TO ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM: See, that's how you should be writing your science poetry. Look at Robert Kolker's work above. It's a much better limerick than any of yours. It even rhymes better than yours. -- K. It's a good think you didn't split your lunch, or you'd be throwing up quarks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.knight-rider,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: CASTING: David Hasslehoff look - a - like for feature film! Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 08:38:19 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.tv.knight-rider, "cd" (casting4@yeehaa.com) wrote: > > CASTING: David Hasslehoff look - a - like for feature film! Wouldn't it be cheaper just to get the real David Hasselhoff? So, what's the title? "Agent Action 2000"? "Knight Rider 2000 II"? "Attack Of The Fifty-Foot Guy Who Isn't Even David Hasselhoff"? "Not Rider"? > http://look-a-like-cast.xrs.net/ You know, most webmasters set up their Web site BEFORE they tell the entire world to go look at it: -> It Worked! The Apache Web Server is Installed on this Web Site! -> -> If you can see this page, then the people who own this domain have just -> installed the Apache Web server software successfully. They now have to -> add content to this directory and replace this placeholder page, or else -> point the server at their real content. -- K. My favorite movies starring a David Hasselhoff look-a-like with no acting talent: "StarCrash". This David Hasselhoff guy pulls off this gold helmet and his big hair pops out and he says, "THIS! is an ENERGY SHIELD MASK!" "Light Blast", in which a David Hasselhoff guy fights a mad scientist who has a deadly laser gun that can make digital watches (and nothing else) explode. "Ring of the Musketeers", starring some David Hasselhoff guy. The movie's title is "Ring of the Musketeers" at the start and "Ring of the Muskateers" at the end. I SWEAR I HAVE SEEN THOSE ALL THE WAY THROUGH. THREE TIMES FOR "STARCRASH". (Hey, it had Marjoe Gortner and Caroline Munro in a little rubber bikini too.) I promise I'll watch your movie too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 08:47:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com You'll soon be able to buy gasoline over the Internet. -- K. I wish _I'd_ thought of that bad idea. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 05:55:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Aldis Ozols (aldis@zeta.org.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You'll soon be able to buy gasoline over the Internet. > > Cool. I can buy a car over the Internet, buy gasoline to > go in it, hire some geek to drive it, then travel > around the country without leaving my room! Why not just get a WebTV for your car so you can surf the Web while driving? I think this would be an important safety feature because you could have the screen display big flashing "PLEASE DRIVE FRIENDLY" notes every few minutes while you're looking at the pornography. I call dibs on being the first one to spot a new car with the Internet projected on the driver's heads-up display in about five years. They already have cars with TV screens in them so you can watch Steven Seagal movies while driving, and little screens in the back so the kids can play a thrilling game of Tetris while you're driving, and people talk on their cell phones constantly while negotiating dangerous intersections, so I feel it's only a matter of time before we see people using chat rooms and playing a Quake deathmatch while careening into your car. Imagine being able to actually have a deathmatch *and* smash into things at the same time! -- K. Also, be sure to download only gasoline which uses lossless compression, not that JPEG gasoline that makes your car all blurry. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 11:34:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You'll soon be able to buy gasoline over the Internet. > > Oh gee, lock up your daughters and small furry animals, it's E-GAS! > NO ONE WILL BE SAFE! The Apocalypse is SO TOTALLY upon us because > someone had a stupid idea! > > I hate it when people point to fringe idiocy and call it a "sign of the > end times," I mean it's one thing if it's something everyone's involved > in like pirated software or masturbation, but e-gas? MOMMY! THERE AREN'T ANY KIDS MY AGE TO PLAY WITH IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ANY MORE! THEY'VE ALL GROWED UP! AND GROWED-UP KIDS ARE LESS FUN THAN NORMAL REG'LAR ONES! WAAH! MAKE PEOPLE NOT GROW UP!!! Okay, fine, Nick, be that way, with your "Stupid stuff is STUPID!" attitude and all, but I am still going to inform you about another sign of the pocky-lips, which hopefully you'll enjoy if you ever stop being so OLD. LIGHTEN UP AND LEARN TO ENJOY THE APOCALYPSE! There's a cake-printing machine at Shaw's. You bring them a photo, they scan it, print out some sort of non-waterfast transfer, flop it down on the cake, and presto, you have a cake that looks like Uncle Harold's face. (Hopefully it tastes better.) I assume this is just a plain old computer hooked up to a plain old flatbed scanner and a plain old Hewlett-Packard inkjet printer, running some special bozo-proof program like "CakeMaster 2000, Supermarket Edition" because I can't imagine a supermarket bakery being expected to understand how to work a computer that doesn't boot directly into a multiple-choice screen. But surely the thing that prints the page of inkjetted food coloring on butcher paper is just a plain old cheapo PC of some sort with magical software that can flip the photo left to right automatically. Thus, there is the exciting possibility of terrorist hackers breaching the security of this CakeJet Professional Workstation Console Device Thing and putting a Pac-Man game on it just to hear the Shaw's baker whine, "Hey! My Adobe Frostingrapher Unit has been tricked into pretending it's a computer and not just a common kitchen implement!" Either that or they could hack the thing so that all the cakes it prints out come out with mustaches on everyone's face. -- K. "The Guidance Department computer is not for computery stuff!" -- my high school, ca. 1984 P.S. At the Jackson Square Stop & Shop today (just on the far side of the subway station I couldn't go in because of some silly murder) their in-store information kiosk's touchscreen was displaying a special on CMOS BATTERY FAILURE. P.P.S. Portions of this article previously appeared in less interesting form in another newsgroup. Contains 51% new content. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 22:46:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > There's a cake-printing machine at Shaw's. > > This past summer I enjoyed a cake from my local supermarket > (the one in which I failed to deploy the separator bar) with > the Teletubbies on it. I think it was constructed with this > very amazing technology. Oh yeah, and as I recall, I didn't > really enjoy it all that much. The frosting was too sweet, > even by my standards, and I *like* wedding cake. It's all part of PBS's plan to make "Teletubbies" fans hyperactive. "This high fructose corn syrup isn't high enough for this Teletubbies cake! Children require more sugar in their diet than grownups, and children who watch lots of 'Teletubbies' need massive amounts of sugar to maintain that degree of hyperactivity! Open up the magnetic bottle where we store the molten super-saturated fructose corn syrup and let's keep Daniel Buettner as hyperactive as he's supposed to be!" > > But surely the thing that prints the page of inkjetted food coloring > > on butcher paper is just a plain old cheapo PC of some sort > > Actually, the one I ate seemed more like the picture had > been printed on a really thin napkin which was then wet down > and pressed onto the cake. I hope it didn't have any bacteria in it. Of course, if it didn't, that would mean you ate an ultrathin _sanitary_ napkin. > Po's face tore instead of cutting cleanly when I started eating. Ladies and gentlemen, I had been hoping for years that someday I would hear someone say that sentence and now I can die happily. > You also had to be careful when cutting the cake, as the napkin > tended to slide around a little bit. It's an _animated_ cake! Like that store in the Stratosphere in Las Vegas that was having a sale on "Animated Candles"! (This apparently meant that they were selling candles shaped like Mickey Mouse and "Donold Duck" -- their spelling, certainly not mine.) -- K. I need to go to Shaw's and order a cake with a photo of a much nicer cake printed on it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 01:01:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > MOMMY! THERE AREN'T ANY KIDS MY AGE TO PLAY WITH IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD > > ANY MORE! THEY'VE ALL GROWED UP! AND GROWED-UP KIDS ARE LESS FUN THAN > > NORMAL REG'LAR ONES! WAAH! MAKE PEOPLE NOT GROW UP!!! > > Reading Usenet will -stunt your emotional growth-, young man! Now put it back > inside its box and go out and -play outdoors-! I can't, the box says "Usenet must be returned to its special case when you are through playing with it," and I lost its special case, so I'm not allowed to stop playing with it! It says so right on the box!!! > > There's a cake-printing machine at Shaw's. You bring them a photo, > > they scan it, print out some sort of non-waterfast transfer, flop it > > down on the cake, and presto, you have a cake that looks like Uncle Harold's > > face. (Hopefully it tastes better.) > > ...See, Nick, if you are all growed up, you just don't -come- across paragraph > fragments like the above and burst out laughing for three minutes and make > everyone else in the store look up from their StarFleet Battles and Magic and > D&D games and the computers and, for all I know because I can't see that far > from where I'm sitting, Guillotine or Chez Geek, and stare at you. [Um, at > your friend, I mean, who's doing this. Not you, no.] The Subway where you work has a cybercafe? SIGN OF THE END TIMES #20000227B! There's a laundramat in Newton that has a cybercafe where its old "TV lounge" used to be. But you've got them beat because you sell stuff with salami, and it's more important to have salami while using the Internet than it is to have clean clothes. > > Thus, there is the exciting possibility of terrorist hackers breaching > > the security of this CakeJet Professional Workstation Console Device Thing > > and putting a Pac-Man game on it just to hear the Shaw's baker whine, > > "Hey! My Adobe Frostingrapher Unit has been tricked into pretending > > it's a computer and not just a common kitchen implement!" > > Actually, that would be "Waaah! I came into work and there's a line of cakes > 500 feet square, arranged in a maze with most of them looking like | o | !!! > And five of the cakes are -moving-!" This is the _worst_ episode of "Fridays" ever. Ever worse than the one where Kramer beat up Latka! I have a pinball game on my computer where one of the voices sounds exactly like Melanie Chartoff. SIGN #20000227C! > > At the Jackson Square Stop & Shop today (just on the far side of the > > subway station I couldn't go in because of some silly murder) > > Please report silly details of silly murder ASAP. Guy on platform, 18, was wearing gold chain. Other guy, 31, tried to snatch it. 18 shot 31 and ran into subway tunnel to escape. Police ran after him while yelling "DUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and of course they caught him between two stations because, hey, they have police at more than one station. -- K. I think they caught him by putting a supermarket divider bar across the tunnel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 23:14:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > At the Jackson Square Stop & Shop today (just on the far side of > > the subway station I couldn't go in because of some silly murder) > > Is this the store near the Brazilian restaurant that only serves > knuckles? Is this the Stop & Shop that's also near the poster of a > woman cut in half that says "Which Half Would You Hire?" No, they don't have murders in Brookline. The Jackson Square Stop & Shop is on the outskirts of Roxbury. Where The New Kids On The Block were from even though they were waaaaaay too white to live there. > Cuz I'm still boggled by that store because it was your typical > in-city convenience store, meaning it's grungy and run by mean people. > But they had a computer kiosk there that wanted to know how you like > their service. [...] But why would a dirty, nasty, bum-ridden corner > store want customer feedback? Why would they care? That was a Store 24 in Brookline and/or Allston, depending on whether or not you draw the dividing line between Brookline and Allston through the middle of Bacon Chambers. Store 24 cares because it's 6 better than 7-Eleven even if you add up both halves of the store. 7-Elevens used to be somewhat rare in Boston (there was the colonial-style one behind "Cheers") with 90% of the convenience stores being Christy's. Christy's claim to fame was that every store had a big sign saying "ALWAYS OPEN" even though they closed at the same time as the 7-Eleven. Their chain got bought out so all the Christy's have become 7-Elevens, meaning that now there are about a thousand places in Boston you can get the disgusting El Taco or Bakery Stix. I like that 7-Eleven has breakfast-specific Bakery Stix (cheez with dots of sausage) and dinner-specific Bakery Stix (cheez with dots of pepperoni, which is _not_ sausage) although they don't have the appropriate wine to go with each. Also, there is still no evidence that any employee at any 7-Eleven still knows what an El Taco is or how much they cost or how to assemble one for you. Other convenience stores in the area include White Hen Pantry, which is weird because people in Boston only eat brown eggs and everyone knows you can't get brown eggs from a white chicken. -- K. They keep showing this crudely-made "Star Wars"-styled commercial with the "BROWN EGGS ARE LOCAL EGGS, AND LOCAL EGGS ARE FRESH" jingle to prevent anyone from ever buying any white eggs. This is why at Easter kids can only dye their eggs to be brownish-pink, brownish-purple, or brownish-green. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:27:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Tom says that everyone he went to college with worked at either a > > Cumlun Fahms or a Market Basket or a Purity Supreme. > > Something about the name "Purity Supreme" always made me expect > to see a Nazi rally going on inside. > > > Only, Purity closed down recently, > > GODWIN'S LAW KILLED PURITY SUPREME! I would insert something about Bucky O'Hare running around shouting, "NOBODY COULD LIVE UP TO THOSE STANDARDS OF SUPREME PURITY, NOT EVEN YOUUUU!!!" as Robert Vaughn slowly turns into Ian MacShane as a hideous space beetle but I think I've already stretched my chain of obscure sci-fi references to the point where the gluons have broken into little shards in a previous post so instead I'll just say that the Super 88 Super Market has more food with big red swastikas printed on it than any other supermarket even if you let a troubled junior-high student carry his notebook into the A&P and count all the deformed three-arms-go-one-way-one-arm-goes-the-other-way swastikas on the back. That sentence was brought to you by The Committee To Wipe Out Obscure Sci-Fi References To Bring About Supreme Purity Through Run-On Sentences That Are Followed By Another Really Long Sentence and now it's time for me to go because my stomach hurts and also I'm getting bored with this sentence exclamation point. -- K. I keep wondering why they made all those old horror movies where at the end the screen said THE END and then it changed to THE END? but they never made one where it changed to "THE END" THE END!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 22:37:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [regarding convenience stores in Boston] Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, there is still no evidence that any employee at any 7-Eleven knows > > what an El Taco is or how much they cost or how to assemble one for you. > > This is because the only person in the world who ever orders one ... > is YOU. But then they _should_ know how to make one correctly... I'M KIBO! > > Other convenience stores in the area include White Hen Pantry, which is > > weird because people in Boston only eat brown eggs and everyone knows > > you can't get brown eggs from a white chicken. > > Tom sings the White Hen jingle sometimes just to annoy me. I've never heard it, because I don't listen to the radio, and the radio is the only place that convenience stores are allowed to advertise for reasons nobody understands. The only time I hear the radio is when I'm on the #66 bus because there's this one bad drive who doesn't like to listen to the dispatch radio so he brings his boom box so that he can listen to Howie Carr instead. > Also, the one convenience store in New England that I keep remembering > is Cumberland Farms. Only everyone calls it "Cumlun fahms". We don't have Cumberland Farms _in_ Boston, they're a suburban gas-station sort of thing, like Stewart's. Also Cumberland Farms are everywhere in New York State, so I've seen far more of them there than in Massachusetts because I didn't grow up in Massachusetts. > Also, Tom says that everyone he went to college with worked at either a > Cumlun Fahms or a Market Basket or a Purity Supreme. Everyone _I_ went to college with wore only black and either wrote poetry or did standup comedy. (Tell Erin I said hi!) > Only, Purity closed down recently, and it seems that Whole Foods has > stolen their peach* logo (Not to be confused with Li'l Peach) and > slapped it on to the side of their own trucks. Purity went out of business, and their natural-food store, Heartland, which was an imitation of Bread & Circus (owned by Whole Foods) got bought by Whole Foods, and the handful of Heartland stores are still open with that green-heart logo with the flames coming out the top. The Purity Supreme in Central Square turned into "City Foods", which had a sign saying "City Foods" in Helvetica Ultra Compressed stretched out into an extended font, and then slanted at about 45 degrees to make it ever-so-subtly italicized. They didn't last long. I think the space is now an empty space. -- K. We now return you to our regularly-scheduled discussion of... YOUUU!!! Big Brother TV. It's All About You.(TM) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Puppet Sidekick. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 08:51:40 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I've decided that I should start posting to alt.religion.kibology with a small, foam-rubber-based fake-Muppet-like sidekick looking over my shoulder to add important educational content and much-needed laffs. Something along the lines of Dirty Frank on "Jabberwocky" or the dinosaurs on "Land of the Lost", only not so expensive. So, who should I adopt as my imaginary puppet pal to help me entertain you? -- K. Also I'll let him take over whenever I go to the hospital after eating toxic candy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 11:13:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Oh, creepy, "Sesame Street" is showing a cartoon about "The Quadratic Equations", who appear to be an obese four-headed man with really oily skin. Help! So, what "Sesame Street" clip or puppet or dead elderly shopkeeper do you think is the creepiest thing on the show? As a kid, I found "The Electric Company" scarier, though. I can think of two "Electric Company" segments that deeply disturbed me, and only one "Sesame Street" segment that made me flee the room in fear. However, there was another "Sesame Street" segment that made me cry with frustration, so "Sesame Street" probably warped me more even if it was less scary. I will detail those four segments in a future article once I am assured that you folks also have similar scars from embarassing TV-borne childhood traumas so that I don't look like the only weenie here. -- K. I'M ONLY WATCHING "SESAME STREET" BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY SEEN TODAY'S EPISODE OF "HEADLINE NEWS" 47 TIMES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:00:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > For some reason I always really *liked* Mummenschanz. I think I was > severely disturbed. Or at least you have a fetish for people who have toilet paper for faces. Your sex life is going to be very, very, very unhappy. > What scared me was one of the things Nick Bensema mentioned: whenever > there were TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES while I was watching my PBS kiddie TV, I > had to go and hide. For a long time I thought that this was because of > some deeply metaphysical sensibility: I had feared that reality was going > to disintegrate someday and be replaced by a card that said PLEASE STAND > BY. (I actually did have a nightmare about that once: I dreamt that I > woke up in my bed in the middle of the night to see a giant, glowing, > 1970s-vintage WETA-26 PLEASE STAND BY card covering one entire wall of the > room. Maybe I was dreaming about "Fahrenheit 451.") Dear MATTHEW J MC IRVIN, Please cease STANDING BY. The state of EMERGERGENCY TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES has been resolved and there is no need to continue STANDING BY. If you have been STANDING BY all this time, you will not be DE-MOLECULARIZED by our new Benevolent Muppetator, Lord Kermit. Thank you for STANDING BY, unless you thought it was just a dream, in which case you are being DE-MOLECULARIZED even as you read this sentence. END END END > Anyway, recently I was thinking about this, and I realized that it wasn't > anything profound at all. As I've previously mentioned, when I was little > I had an incredibly sensitive startle reflex, and consequently had a dread > of anything that might make a sudden noise. TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES were > usually associated with a total absence of audio for an unpredictable > interval lasting a minute or so, followed by a sudden disembodied voice > saying "please stand by," usually at a fairly high volume level. I was > just afraid that I was going to be startled by the scary voice. RESUME STANDING BY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is all. END END END DELETE DELETE DELETE DE-MOLECULARIZER PREPARED FOR NEXT VICTIM RESETTING CEREBRAL TOMOGRAPHY APPARATUS END END END 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 22:54:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote: > > I saw a performance of Mumenschanz (sorry, I dunno the spelling either) > where they had several people (I HOPE they were people) dressed up in > hard to describe sort of triple-segmented costumes such that they were > symmetrical top to bottom. Their heads were encased in big rectangular > blocks of foam, and so were their torsos and they had blocks of foam the > same size as the head block depending from their butts, and they rolled > around the stage like Escher rollemups and you couldn't tell which end > was the head and which wasn't, if either. It was creepy. I was not a > little impressionable child so I did not run screaming from the room. > > _ _ > / ___ \ > // | | \\ <==== Moomenchance rollup person (not rolled up) > \\ |_ _| // > \_ --- _/ > | | _______ Audience people with either > |___| | little heads or big eyes > //---\\ | > //| |\\ \/ OO OO OO > |||___||| OO OO OO > _|| ||_ OO OO > ------- --------- OO OO > ---------------------------| OO OO Yes, those are the Mummenschanz players dressing up like asterisks I had referenced in another article. This particular act is especially disturbing when you realize the only thing they're trying to communicate is "YOUR HEAD IS INTERCHANGEABLE WITH YOUR GENITALS". Also, you forgot to mention that the costumes were solid black (on a solid black stage) to ensure that you get a migraine headache if you enjoy Mummenschanz. 90% of their acts just consisted of dressing up as something which is more symmetrical than people are and exploiting the fact that MUMMENSCHANZ IS MORE SYMMETRICAL THAN YOU!!!! -- K. I always had the feeling they were mocking the audience. Hey, wait, that means they're Kibologists! Waah, I'm Mummenschanz! (Kibo dresses up as an all-black Rubik's Cube and stands on stage turning slices of his body and confusing the audience as to which end of the cube is his head. The end.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 06:12:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "RainyCyanide" (rainycyanide@geocitiesgeocities.com) wrote: > > The people with large heads covered with toilet paper rolls. They would > silently slink around and pull paper off of their heads as an expression of > their emotions. Truly frightening. What? You don't like mime combined with bathroom humor? Those were members of Mummenschanz, a Swiss mime troupe that appeared on the show from time to time. (And they turned up on "The Muppet Show" too.) I've seen Mummenschanz perform live. Up close. In Schenectady. They did a sort of abstract mime, where they would dress up as asterisks or balls and come out and move back and forth a while. One of their costumes was a big flexible pipe pretending to be an inchworm because there was a guy inside it. I think you've heard all you need to know to be more than adequately warned about Mummenschanz. I think they preferred to be called "a modern movement troupe" and not "scary mimes". They were quite clever, although obviously out of context any of their acts would seem rather weird. And the ones they showed on "Sesame Street" were usually the most abstract, least interesting ones (like the ones with someone dressed as a ball rolling around on the floor.) I found several Web pages, but they don't seem to have an official page of their own. Apparently people have trouble spelling their name for some reason -- here's a 1996 review that uses three spellings in one paragraph: -> Memmenschanz: Parade -> -> As part of a highly acclaimed world-wide tour Mummenschanz bring their -> higely popular and wildly entertaining "greatest hits" show Parade to the -> Big Top for their long-awaited Galway debut. For more than 25 years -> Mummenschan have been wowing audiences of all ages with their distinctive -> brand of visual theatre [...] And here's an oddly excited review from MIT's student newspaper (1990): -> MUMMENSCHANZ is the most delightful, creative, and exciting entertainment -> I have seen in a long time. It is also extremely difficult to describe. -> The Swiss group could be called "mimes," although that word falls far -> short of what they do. True, the actors never speak during the -> performance, but the emotional power that they express is far beyond that -> of run-of-the-mill mimes. In addition, their exotic costumes are so -> convincing that it takes some time before one realizes that there must be -> people inside. -> -> One of the first scenes involved "the blob," a reddish-brown ball that was -> attempting to get onto a higher portion of the stage. Almost magically, it -> was able to tell us that it had to get onto that platform, no matter how -> difficult that would be. When the blob failed, much of the audience shared -> its tension. When it finally reached its goal, and began jumping in place, -> the audience laughed and applauded, sharing the blob's success. -> It was this sort of silent, emotionally charged dialogue that made -> Mummenschanz so special. No matter how outrageous or strange the creatures -> appeared, there was always a humanness to them that made it possible to -> communicate through the silence. -> -> The actors had a wonderful sense of humor, which added much to the show. A -> life-sized hand, a six-foot-long centipede, and a person with a black box -> instead of a head made fun of the audience, patting bald people on the -> head and scolding others for returning late from the intermission. Another review: -> It is hard to explain exactly what seeing the Mummenschanz perform is -> like. Numerous times during the performance the phrase; "What the hell -> am I looking at?" was heard. More reviews, each from a different site: -> Although the trio known as "Mummenschanz" presented its first programme -> in 1972 as a fringe event at the Avignon Festival [...] -> Dressed in black body suits, the three don a variety of masks -- -> ranging from a huge glove that takes up half a body to a monstrous -> Slinky that more than covers the entire mime. -> Although Mummenschanz's silent performances are accessible to a broad -> range of ages, Confer says it helps children to know in advance that they -> will see actors pretending to be giant noodle-shaped objects and -> characters with electric plugs and suitcases for heads. -> If you like Blue Man Group, you'll LOVE Mummenschanz! I'd like to note that I couldn't find any negative reviews, just all those reviews about how wonderfully creepy they are. You gotta admit, mimes don't get any more interesting than Mummenschanz! So, whatever happened to Mummenschanz? Are they still doing this stuff? -- K. Are mimes now passŽ? -> Frassetto has heard the rumor about how this tour is supposed to be -> the last hurrah for the troupe. She angrily attributes much of the -> confusion to postings on the Internet that have said that the mime -> troupe is breaking up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: www.mummenschanz.ch [was: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 23:02:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "RainyCyanide" (rainycyanide@geocitiesgeocities.com) wrote: > > I went to the [Mummenschanz] site and showed the face movie to my son, > in order to scare the bejesus^W^W^W perform a little experiment. > I had hoped he would prove my point that Mummenschanz is terrifying to > children. He just waved, said hi to it and tried to give the screen a kiss. > So I guess it's just me who has an irrational fear of performance art. All's I know is that although Mummenschanz is really, really, really scary, I would much rather be stranded on a desert island with them than with any other mime troupe in case a computer error ever causes Congress to pass a law saying that I have to choose a mime troupe to be stranded on the desert island with and Bob Odenkirk and David Cross don't go into the mime business. -- K. I like how all the navigation on their Web site occurs through printed w-o-r-d-s when everyone knows mimes aren't supposed to have any language skills, especially in Switzerland where everything has to be a pictorial icon because they can't pick an official language. Also, is it just me, or do still pictures of Mummeschanz rolling around in a garbage bag just look like a still picture of a garbage bag not doing mime? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: www.mummenschanz.ch [was: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 10:35:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > www.mummenschanz.ch seems as official as anyone would want to get. Pick the > "deutsch" entrance, the "english" one is "under construction", anyway the > "deutsch" side is half "english" anyway. I couldn't find that site in the three search engines I used, and it wasn't linked from any of the other pages I read about Mummenschanz, and it won't show me its goods (I think Switzerland is being electronically neutral right now) so I think you made it up, you Mummenschanz-maker-upper. -- K. If I wore a black leotard and put a cardboard box over my head and walked around trying to act like a piece of dryer lint, would I be internationally beloved like Marcel Marceau and Benny Hill? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 07:59:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "RainyCyanide" (rainycyanide@geocitiesgeocities.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Those were members of Mummenschanz, a Swiss mime troupe that appeared > > on the show from time to time. (And they turned up on "The Muppet Show" > > too.) I've seen Mummenschanz perform live. Up close. In Schenectady. > > Thank you for the superb explanation of Mummenschanz. From Kibo himself, > too! [It must be true if Kibo says it!] But it doesn't make Mummenschanz > any less creepy to me^H^H a toddler. > > MY SON: "Aaaaahhh! Mommy the scary man has a box instead of a head!" > ME: "But honey, it's Mummenschanz." > [no effect] > > See? Thanks though. The easiest way to think about Mummenschanz is that they were to the 1970s what Blue Man Group were to the 1990s, except that they were advertised on "Sesame Street" instead of Jay Leno's show, and they don't get naked at the end of their performance. -- K. I wonder if colorblind people find Blue Man Group completely disinteresting. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 01:36:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > So, what "Sesame Street" clip or puppet or dead elderly shopkeeper > > do you think is the creepiest thing on the show? > > The two monsters from outer space who have big, upward-facing > mouths and googly eyes who confront the radio and go "RAAAAY > DE-O! RAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYDE-O RADIO! RADIO! RADIO!" > That drove me out of the room. Ah, yes, the monsters from the planet Koozbane. Just like the ones that showed up on the first season of "Saturday Night Live" (the staff hated them -- Marilyn Miller called them the "mucking fuppets") and those interminable Koozbane segments on "The Muppet Show". Come to think of it, Jim Henson spent a lot of time doing the same _bad_ things over and over and over. He really should've just done Kermit and only Kermit. > Also, I wanted to smack that little "Near! Far!" beast. Who > was that? Was that a proto-Elmo? You are close to formulating a Theory Of Muppet Evolution for which you will someday win the Muppet Nobel Prize. Which would be this gold puppet that would keep telling you how much it wuvs you. > Also, I was pissed about the construction of Oscar's pet > Slimey: they made him out of wide-gauge, ultra-thick felt > such that you could see that he WASN'T SLIMEY! If they > had taken some felt and covered it with slime it would've > been OK. As it was, they shoulda called him "Felty". Or "Linty". Also, real worms don't usually have sticks holding them up. -- K. I just hope Caroll Spinney got a pay raise when they switched to the Big Bird costume that requires him to operate his mouth _and_ both arms simultaneously. He had it much easier when Big Bird had one withered arm, although they never thought about giving him a pen like Bob Dole. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 22:55:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > I found it very very disturbing when Bert's TV went on the fritz, > and the only thing it broadcast was the letter "I", repeated over > and over again. Oh, they stole that segment from "The Prisoner". It was the episode where they tried to break Patrick McGoohan by forcing him to live with Ernie for a week. And then his TV set kept shouting "I! I! I!" even after he smashed it. And then a big weather balloon came in the window and ate his face. This leads up to my story about the "Sesame Street" segment that terrified me the most... There was a segment where the camera just panned across dozens of kids blowing pink gum bubbles. The soundtrack consisted of kids' voices droning in a creepy monotone, "BEEEE... BEEE.... BEEE... BEEEEE ISSSS FORRR BUBBBBBLLLLE... BEEEEEEE ISSSSS FORRRRR BUBBBBBBBLE..." and while this was happening the bubbles were popping and clinging to the kids' faces and I would burst into tears and run from the room screaming. The nearest I can reverse-engineer this event is that I must have seen the American broadcasts of "The Prisoner" with the balloon suffocating Patrick McGoohan -- I _did_ have a fear of balloons for several years, and I was never able to figure out why I didn't like "BEEEEEEEE ISSSSSSS FORRRRRRR BUBBBBBBLE" or balloons until I saw reruns of "The Prisoner" twenty years later. (I got over my balloon-phobia on my own.) The other segment that made me cry, although not for the same reason, was that one I've described before that had the six-by-eight grid of yellow dots that appeared in time to some cheesy music, O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O X ...except nine times out of ten the bottom-right one would come out wrong (it would be a square that went "thud" or a blob that went "blorch" or something) and they would play this segment several times an episode. I think the intent was to teach you "Just be patient, 'Sesame Street' is teaching persistence, don't give up after your dots go 'blorch'" but the message I always got was "'Sesame Street' keeps getting it WRONG!" and I would cry out of frustration. (Think how powerful an emotion frustration was when you were a kid. Remember when your ice-cream cone fell on the ground, or you let go of the balloon's string for just a second and Daddy wouldn't get it down from the sky for you?) The ones that scared me on "The Electric Company" (although they didn't make me cry, because "Electric Company" was for _big_ kids ages 4 to 7) were (1) two people mummifying Arte Johnson at super-speed because he was done reading the news ("And now, a quick wrap-up...") and (2) this surreal sequence where a guy at the top of a slide would send "g"s down the slide to these people bringing words past in little red wagons and the prefixed "g" would change the meaning. The segment ended with someone having "lob" changed into "glob" and the guy on the slide yelled "WATCH OUT FOR THE GLOB!!!" and the screen filled with this shimmering orange-and-purple wad of Flexitroned psychedelia and the soundtrack went "blorch". I also had trouble with the girl turning into the foam-rubber blueberry in "Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory", and with the people getting hit with pies as punishment on "Beat The Clock". There. Now you know _everything_ about my television-induced childhood neuroses. > Second-most disturbing was the PBS pledge drives that would pre-empt > the show. Chris Franks will now tell us about how they pre-empted "Howdy Doody" for Joseph McCarthy. -- K. Did you know that "Howdy Doody" started as a radio show with an _imaginary_ marionette? Of course, _Charlie_ McCarthy was also on the radio back in the 1930s (when his show was over, people switched to the middle of Orson Welles's show and two or three of them freaked out because the Martians were invading and it must have been real because everything on the radio is real) but I think if they had pre-empted "Howdy Doody" for Charlie McCarthy, it still would have been annoying, and Candice Bergen still would have grown up to run "Murphy Brown" into the ground for ten years. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 07:51:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Darla (darla4695@hfx.eastlink.ca) wrote: > > Man. You guys sure are pussies. *snort* Scared by "Sesame Street" or > "Davey and Goliath." *snicker* > > In MY day, "kids' shows" were half-hour nightmares like The Pinkie Lee Show. > Pinkie wore a bad sportcoat and a porkpie hat and did a stupid dance in the > opening and closing segments. One day he had a heart attack and DIED during > the show on live TV. After he died on your TV he hosted "The Gumby Show" for a little while, and then appared on "The Ed Sullivan Show". He did some Bob Hope specials and also appeared on the same screen as Ricky Freakin' Schroeder during a 1983 awards show on NBC, which was called -- I am not making this up -- "The Yummy Awards". (I'd hate to see "The Yucky Awards".) He died of a heart attack again in 1993, but this time I heard about it and Darla didn't, so I WIN!!!! Also, "Pinky" was just his nickname. It was short for Pincus. The only other Pincus I've ever heard of was in that one Pink Panther cartoon where he tried to catch the incredibly rare Pincus Fincus butterfly. > YOU weenies have a gander at a grown man thrashing around on the studio > floor with his tongue lolling and his eyes bugged out and people with 45 > pound headsets yelling and rushing at him. And then see the picture replaced > by an Indian head test pattern and that alien-landing "oooooo" sound, and > THEN tell me about "scared." HA! What's the big deal? He stole his whole act from Paul Reubens. The scariest thing about Pinky Lee was his theme song, "Yoo-hoo, it's me My name is Pinky Lee I skip and run with lots of fun For every he and she." -- K. If he were still on the air he'd get kicked off TV for ALMOST BEING GAY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:07:33 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Keith Handy (keith@indierecords.com) wrote: > > Oh, incidentally . . . one thing that genuinely upset my young mind was > an episode of "Davey and Goliath" where Davey fantasized about getting > revenge on a kid who bullied him . . . they showed "fantasy scenes", one > where the bully kid gets tied to a tree on a high mountain where no one > can hear him, and another where he's getting his face pushed into wet > cement and leaving an imprint. I don't know if it was the principle or > the claymation, but in any event it kept me awake an extra hour that night. There really should be a show just to teach kids that revenge against bullies is wrong. It would feature a solid hour of this nerdy little boy torturing bullies every day, except at the end there would be this voiceover that said "The preceding was wrong!" and this would end all violence everywhere in the world forever, except for the bullies beating up the nerds and the nerds building giant robotic arms that pick up bullies and drop them in vats of acid. Oh, and there would be spaceships in it too because kids like spaceships, except for girl kids. So we'd have some fluffy pink half-pony half-whale creatures living in the spaceships and powering the spaceships with kissing. It would be the cartoon that's wholesome for EVERYONE! Except bullies. But that's okay because we'd amend the Constitution so that bullies wouldn't be allowed to vote so they'd never be able to undo the amendment. The End. -- K. Also the pony-whales would be real and you could have as many as you wanted unless you're not a girl in which case you'd get your own country. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 11:44:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Franks (chris_franks@agilent.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Chris Franks will now tell us about how they pre-empted "Howdy Doody" > > for Joseph McCarthy. > > At the time, I was a design engineer for a company that was making > television test equipment. We had a 12-inch Westinghouse color TV set > that we used to test our test equipment on, and the McCarthy hearings > were in black and white. We watched them anyway. [...] > At the end of the project, they gave me the Color TV as a bonus. > There weren't that many good color shows on in 1956, What about "Science Fiction Theatre"? Oh, wait, you said _good_ shows. Never mind. > so I converted it to a 19" black and white set. > > > Of course, _Charlie_ McCarthy was also on the radio back in the 1930s > > (when his show was over, people switched to the middle of Orson Welles's > > show and two or three of them freaked out because the Martians were > > invading and it must have been real because everything on the radio > > is real) > > Our town was about 80 miles north of the "invasion site", and there > were a few people who loaded up their tanks at the gas stations on Route > 202 and headed north that night in 1938. I had just read the book and > enjoyed the show immensely. Wow. That was back when both Orson _and_ H.G. Welles were alive. I can sort of remember when one of them was alive. > Radio was much more real than TV. Your imagination could run free > with Jack Armstrong, Tom Mix, the Lone Ranger, Secret City. "Secret City" was that PBS show where Commander Mark enlisted kids into his secret fascist army that spent all day drawing pictures of tanks running over mean gym teachers, right? > Later on, I met Jean Shepherd, who played Billy Fairfield on Jack Armstrong. Even though his mom never let him have that Daisy Red Ryder BB gun because he would have shot his eye out. > If you think Sesame Street was scary, try "Lights Out" with Leiningen and > the Ants, or "The Inner Sanctum" with the screeching door slowly > closing. Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The > Shadow knows, m-m-m-m-r-r-r-r-a-a-a-ha-ha-ha-ha. I know of Arch Oboler's "Lights Out" but I've never heard the radio version; I've seen the TV version, with the floating bald guy's head slowly moving back and forth so the glare wouldn't burn the image-orthicon tube. I prefer "Tales Of Tomorrow", myself, because it opened with a picture of a black velvet glove with the coiled wire handle of an old teakettle glued to the back of it, then the glove slowly closed a knife switch where nothing was connected to its screw terminals. They did _really_ low-budget H.G. Wells stories. (My favorite H.G. Wells dramatization, however, is the one he himself wrote for a Jack Benny movie, in which Jack Benny turns evil and destroys the world.) Thankfully, the Sci-Fi Channel shows ancient (over 40 years old) shows such as "Lights Out", "Tales Of Tomorrow", "Science Fiction Theatre", and "Thriller" very late at night. In fact, I think they only do so between 4:30 am and 5:30 am on Friday mornings, where they have scientifically calculated that the fewest number of people will stumble across the shows and say "Ew! Black and white. I'm never going to watch the Sci-Fi Channel again. They show stuff even older than 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'." Chris Franks remembers where he was when Orson Welles read "The War Of The Worlds" aloud on the radio. I remember how 20th Century Fox seemed to be baffled when "Star Wars" became a hit despite their lame attempts at promotion ("Princess Leia" did a daytime talk show) and how long the lines were for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture". Is there anyone else on the Internet who remembers where they were when "Space: 1999" was _new_? And when Oscar was orangish-brown? HA! I HAVE RETURNED THIS THREAD TO ITS ORIGINAL TOPIC! NOW WE CAN DRIFT IT ALL OVER AGAIN! -- K. I bet you folks are too young even to remember NBC's "seaQuest DSV" and only saw "seaQuest 2032". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Space: 1999" Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 06:48:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Jim Nowotarski (of no known address) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is there anyone else on the Internet who remembers where they were > > when "Space: 1999" was _new_? And when Oscar was orangish-brown? > > Uh, in high school? I remember being upset that I had to do something > at school the > evening that the local TV station ran the half hour promotion for the > series. > My father dutifully watched it for me (this is pre-vcr, you know) and > helpfully told me, > "They were fooling around on the back of the moon and it blew up." > > Many years later I was to realize the wisdom in that sentence. Maybe someday we will _all_ come to realize the wisdom of blowing up the Moon. > Sadly, I had to watch all of the episodes at least twice. I usually can't find the plot until at least the ninth viewing. Ever seen the one where the rock that makes The Death Color falls in love with Maya? Pee-yew! That's the dumbest plot about an evil rock that I ever saw! -- K. The episode did have Barbara Bain screaming in agony, so it wasn't all bad. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 22:36:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > well, when I was 4, the sound of a piano being destroyed really scared me. > It occurred during one segment where a piano was being moved, I believe, > into/out of Oscar's can piece by piece (first the white keys, then the > black keys, etc.) And between each piece there was a horrible horrible > ruckus with random notes and crashing sounds. This was presumably during one of the many segments concerning de-segregation and Oscar's piano exploded because he put all the white keys on the left and all the back keys on the right. And then Schroeder tried to play Beethoven on it. > I also became scared of that pinball machine that counted to twelve > because one time, at the end of that segment, instead of immediately > cutting to the next scene, they played that horrible horrible sound > at the end and then cut to the next scene. I loved that faux Peter Max-style pinball machine. I still do. However, I have intellectual difficulties with the version of it that counts to "1". I assume they did all twelve versions, although I haven't catalogged them (I've probably seen them all, though.) The one where the ball hits Some Thing and then the voice yells "ONE!!!" and then the ball hits Another Thing and the voice yells "ONE!!!" is just too weird. They should also have a "zero". Also, I like how there's sky behind the pinball machine on the left and outer space behind it on the right and there's this little zeppelin that goes from the clouds into outer space while you watch. > I also remember our PBS affiliate had a lot of "AUDIO DIFFICULTIES" > during children's programming. The sound would cut out and words > that I could sound out but not understand were at the bottom of the > screen. This was presumably before they decided that "Sesame Street" needed to be 1/3 English, 1/3 Spanish, and 1/3 American Sign Language. (Now they just leave off the "AUDIO DIFFICULTIES" caption.) Is it just my imagination, or does every local PBS station have bad audio? Except for WGBH in Boston, of course, but it's special. All the others transmit crackly sound with the gain turned up so high that everything becomes muffled mumbling at maximum volume. -- K. I have trouble understanding what the Teletubbies are saying. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 12:51:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, what "Sesame Street" clip or puppet or dead elderly shopkeeper > > do you think is the creepiest thing on the show? > > Oscar, but only because I think of Sesame Street > as being in New York City. It is. The closing credits show the Statue Of Liberty now, and for a while the opening titles showed a skyline consisting of two Chrysler Buildings as Big Bird traipsed through Central Park to Sesame Street ("where the air is clean", yeah, right.) So "Sesame Street" is in Bizarro New York, but that still counts. It's not like it's in Metropolis or Gotham City or some other made-up city that's not New York. > In New York City, when I was a kid, > I saw a pair of legs sticking straight up out of a sidewalk garbage can. TWO! ... TWO VONDERFUL LEGS! HA HA HA HA! (sticks with rubber bats on them shake up and down) > Then the bum, whose legs they were, got up out of the can, > with a newly aquired half sandwich, and the closest thing to what > might literally be interpreted as a "shit eating grin", > that I've ever seen. Oscar doesn't eat that. His favorite food is cold, lumpy oatmeal. His pet Slimey the worm, on the other hand, probably isn't so fussy. I didn't follow this year's story arc with Slimey landing on the Moon, so I don't know if he took any little foil packets of freeze-dried doody. -- K. Did he at least say, "Hey, someone threw out a perfectly good piece of a rancid sandwich!"? And was he wearing a barrel supported by two straps and drinking from a big brown jug marked "XXX" and wearing fingerless white gloves and carrying a stick over his shoulder with a polka-dotted rag bundle on the end containing a baby he had stolen from a stork? I think that, in light of Disney taking over Times Square, New York's bums now actually dress like that, only with giant paper-mache heads. And they all have one finger missing. (Leave it to Disney to amputate the middle finger of all its employees so they can't offend.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 23:09:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Demian Phillips (demian@cmhcsys.com) wrote: > > [re "The Electric Company"] > > Most bizarre thing I remember was the whole 2 shadow faces who say > parts of a word and then faster and faster until it's whole. > It was gra-ss as I recall. Once they were done one of the heads did a > motion like taking a hit from a joint. That wasn't two faces, it was just a talking vase covered with mouths! There's nothing creepy about optical illusions covered with body parts. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy some tires that will leave Zšllner lines on everything I run over as I drive to the horizon past increasingly-large dwarves who all appear to be the same size. -- K. And then there's the Margaret Thatcher illusion, which teaches you that the Museum of Science hates Margaret Thatcher. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 01:09:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com William Clifford (wobh@yahoo.com) wrote: > > "Foolcow" (foolcow@aol.com) wrote: > > > > The sentient typewriter who would roll into view, singing, > > "nooneenooneenooneenooneenoo" > > > > Also, there was one animated skit where a kid sets out from home, and > > then walks past about ten or so really creepy-looking buildings. > > Eventually, he just sits there crying because he is lost. Then this > > tall scary dude with a metallic voice explains that in order to find > > his way home, he just has to walk past everything he saw once again, > > in reverse order. > > Hey! I saw that one. Oh yeah? Well, I've seen some "Sesame Street" segments TWICE!!! > The creepy guy was shaped like one of those Christmas tree ornaments > with a sharp top and bottom but a round middle. He walks around on > tiptoe and advises the lost kid, "All you gotta do is walk backwards > through your mind." > > Also the buildings changed. As I recall, they were less creepy when he > first walked by them but after he walked backward through his mind > they transformed into true wierdness. They morphed into each other in this liquid psychedelic way, too, suggesting that the moral was that you should trust strangers to give you psychoactive candy because you'll always be able to find your way back to reality just by falling the trail of imaginary bread crumbs you left as you went to Crazyland. > Before it was subverted by Elmo, _Sesame Street_ was a truly > groundbreaking show in that it would attempt to educate young people > through psychedelia. I think very creepiness is a symptom of a much > higher goal of the show. So what you're saying is that "Jabberwocky" was as good as "Sesame Street", if not better? > I still remember when Ernie and Bert's house was invaded by flying > furry squid-like aliens who said some thing like: > "neebeeneebeeneebeeneebeenbeeneeb uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh." I don't remember any flying aliens. Waah! That must have been the year I decided I was too big for "Sesame Street" any more and stopped watching it for a while! I do remember worrying about whether the guy who helps the kid retrace his steps was the same as the scary talking typewriter that worked its own buttons, though. (After all, they could morph, and they were both creepy and psychedelic.) I think you spelled it wrong, though. The typewriter didn't say "nooneenooneenooneenooneenoo", he said "noo-noo, noo-noo, noo-noo" because his purpose was to prepare your mind for The Noo-Noo (the living vacuum cleaner with the pink hiney on "Teletubbies".) > [The flying monsters] were unintellible, impersonal, and terrifying. > They clearly didn't know anything about Earth and you didn't know what > they would do. They seemed impersonally curious like a little kid poking > at an anthill or perhaps like a doctor doing a biopsy. Except that you > couldn't quite say why they showed up where they did. No other SF that > I've seen or read has ever so successfully portrayed anything as > completely alien as that skit did. Well, Phil Dick did write the perverted fantasy "Null-O" (not to be confused with anything by Alfred Bester) about the little boy who is a _perfect_ sociopath and so he keeps cutting people open because he's curious what's inside them, and he gets taken to a psychiatrist, who is impressed that he's a _perfect_ sociopath and it's okay for him to kill anyone he wants because he's a _perfect_ sociopath and the psychiatrist becomes his friend and gets to follow him around and worship him as he blows up the world. YAYYYY!!! While reading that story you always get the feeling that he wrote it when he was 13 and was getting beat up a lot, but it turns out that it was written during his middle period when he wasn't _very_ insane. (The stuff he wrote when he was _really_ insane was less disturbing.) This gets back to Louis Wain, whose cat paintings eventually reached a point where they got less creepy because they became completely abstract Mandelbrot sets. I'm still working on a long article about him. > I'm guessing that that alien skit freaked the shit out of people > because they stopped showing it and tamed those guys down in their > subsequent appearences. They were still freaky as hell and when I > stopped watching the show (not long after the initial Elmo takeover > bid) you didn't see them anymore. Too bad. _Sesame Street_ has always > taken a multi-cultural but taming down and abandoning the scary > seeming aliens is sad case of closing the borders due to irrational > fears. _Sesame Street_ now reinforces and is an example of the very > kind of thinking it was trying to stop when it introduced those > characters. Or maybe the Muppets in question just died. I mean, that can happen. I keep hearing this rumor that says that Ernie is dying of AIDS and is going to drop dead on the same day that Jim Henson dies, and I've heard this rumor whispered to me so many times that it must be true! > Back in those days all the monsters really were monsters and they had > to be dealt with. This was the pinnacle of that show's achievements. > Ernie was constantly harrassed by the cookie monster and had to find > ways of staving him off. Oscar the Grouch had be dealt with on his own > terms. When Telly first appeared on the scene he was watching a TV > constantly and wouldn't move or even acknowledge the existence of > other people. There was at least one more I only vaguely remember. The > point is that they were difficult people who had to be dealt with? I've always thought of them as Freudian-influenced archetypes. Cookie is orality, Oscar is the personification of anality. Grover is neurotic and somewhat schizophrenic. Telly is a hysteric. Kermit is the superego, Big Bird is the ego, and all the scary ones are the id. (Especially the invisible ones that chase Leslie Nielsen around.) > What happened? > > I say it was Grover. > > With Grover the children had what seemed to be a cute furry friend. He > was oafish, nosy, insecure, but otherwise a totally sympathetic > character. The parents boards must have loved Grover and from all over > the country the pressure came to do more of the same. How could anyone dislike the twist ending of "The Monster At The End Of This Book"? We all thought it was going to be something creepy, but it turned out to just be Grover. Awww! Everyone wuvs Grover. Even though he's obviously nuts and flails his arms around histrionically while screaming for no reason and is covered with matted blue hair, he's the most sympathetic Muppet. > But I thought _Sesame Street_ was preparing to do a very brave thing. > They had managed to rehab most of the monsters somewhat over the > years. Oscar had become more compromising, Cookie less gluttonous, > Telly had acknowledged a world outside of his TV set, but what about > Grover? Grover stayed the same. This made Grover perhaps the most > dangerous monster of all. LOOK OUT! GROVER HAS A GUN! > Apparently unable to mature as he got older how Grover wouldn't enter > the adult world willingly. He would look longingly back at childhood > and at children. He wouldn't play with the kids his own age instead we > saw him abandon his playmates as they grew out some halcyon age group > that Grover has fixated on. Grover only plays with the younger ones > who come to the street to play. In fact this has been evident since > those first, seemingly harmless, improved, one-on-one sessions that we > saw Grover having various small children. Grover is too old for this. > What is going on? > > I remember throughout my childhood, in those years as I watched Sesame > Street, there was, at the same time, a great push to 'educate' > children about the dangers of strangers. Those shadowy figures created > by parental paranoia, those candy handed kidnappers who do terrible, > unspeakable things to children for no reason. (They're scarier than the ones who have a very good reason for torturing children.) > I believe that Grover was created to educate children that the danger > doesn't always come from someone you don't know but, more likely than not, > someone you know very well. In fact, even from someone you have always > known. Someone who is friendly, and kind, someone you look up to and trust. > But behind their kindliness and sympathy are dark needs and > frustrations with each passing year. BOB HOPE!!! > Grover was to be the embodiment of this kind of stunted maturity. > > However, when the letters started coming in about Grover's nation-wide > popularity I think the CTW chose to abandon the original plans for > Grover. One can't help but wonder what might have been though. Well, see, Grover demanded to be paid more than all the other Muppets combined, and couldn't act his way out of a paper bag, so J. Michael Straczynski fired him, which forced them to abandon the story arc where we would see the outcome of that flash-forward where Sesame Street is burning and Grover is screaming, "Kermit is dead! They're coming through the walls!" and then Big Bird would take off his giant bird head and inside he'd be Bert, only fifty years older, and he'd say "I tried to warn them... but it's all happening again." And then Snuffy would turn into an energy being. But they couldn't do this without Grover, so instead they used the other ending where J. Michael Straczynski just walked onto the set and pushed the button that turned the show off. > Of course nothing would have happened. I doubt that the bleeding edge > progressives who created _Sesame Street_ would have tried to show the > nightmare of a person whose developing sexuality is twisted by such > emotional immaturity. I think maybe they did. In their earliest years, they did insinuate attempts at social re-education into the show. For instance, do you remember a sequence just showing two little girls washing their hands, brushing their teeth, and drinking water? They started running that one in the first season, and it got "Sesame Street" booted from some TV stations in the South, because the whole point was that it just showed a white girl and a black girl sharing a faucet for several minutes. (I find it interesting that apparently there were racist _PBS_ stations.) I think the original goal of "Sesame Street" was not solely "let's teach the alphabet" but "let's get white people to like black people under cover of teaching the alphabet." So I wouldn't put it past them to have slipped in some other attempts at psychologically conditioning the children to undo the effects of bad parenting. You can see the famous clip of the two girls sharing a sink at the Children's Museum in Boston right now. However, their "Sesame Street" exhibit still refuses to acknowledge that Kermit was created to get people to accept public nudity. > And yet they could have educated millions of children to recognize > false faces in older people. They could ahve taught them to try to see > the very real needs and motives behind their front of playfulness. > They could have shown them how to deal with them somehow in a way that > protects their own integrity since often such people can blind the > child's real guardians. How could this have been bad? > > Instead, they created Elmo, young, innocent, light colored, and as > obnoxious a shit in a steamer. And the parents must have approved > because Elmo has taken over. Maybe Elmo just took over because he's evil. He's got the _fun_ Muppets locked up in a basement somewhere. "Errrrnie, we're trapped in Elmo's erotic torture chamber!" "Yeah, Bert, we sure are!" "Ohhhh, Errrrrrnie, I don't like this! This is kinky!" -- K. I leave it to the reader to figure out whether that dialogue is an obvious fabrication or not. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 01:39:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Aldis Ozols (aldis@zeta.org.au) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I do remember worrying about whether the guy who helps the kid retrace > > his steps was the same as the scary talking typewriter that worked > > its own buttons, though. (After all, they could morph, and they were > > both creepy and psychedelic.) > > I wonder if it's the same one as the talking > mutant giant cockroach typewriter in Cronenberg's > _Naked Lunch_? I think it has a lot of talent, and > could easily star in the musical remake of _2001_. That was an Arabic typewriter, if you will recall, and the one on "Sesame Street" had normal letters. However, there is an Arabic-language version of "Sesame Street" (produced in Kuwait, it went on hiatus when Saddam's troops stole the "Noman The Camel" costume -- I am not making this up) and I don't know if they have their own talking typewriter. I am never going to watch the movie of "Naked Lunch" ever again because the first time I did, I was enjoying it, and then the nice-looking woman rips her skin open and inside, SHE'S ROY SCHEIDER SMOKING A CIGAR! If I had been five when I had seen that, I'm sure I would have burst into tears and run from the room wailing, "MOMMY! THE GREASY BROWN GUY FROM NBC'S 'SEAQUEST DSV' IS GETTING INSIDE OTHER PEOPLE NOW!" and been scarred for life. If Roy Scheider took a role as an albino, would he make the makeup person put the pale makeup over his brown makeup, or would he admit that that stuff that looks like chocolate pudding all over his body is actually removable? Also, suppose David Cronenberg and Terry Gilliam got into a fight over whether Hieronymous Bosch or Gustav DorŽ was better. Regardless of who won, I bet the zero-budget TV-movie about the true story would be directed by Anson Williams. -- K. "Someday maybe I'll be in a movie directed by Potsie!" -- Steve Martin thought he was making a joke, but unfortunately he gave Potsie an idea... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 11:20:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just wrote: > > Oh, creepy, "Sesame Street" is showing a cartoon about "The Quadratic > Equations", who appear to be an obese four-headed man with really > oily skin. Help! And then Big Bird talked to Elmo about his pregant hamster, and Maria drove up in her prop car and said she also had a hamster when she was little, and Big Bird looked into the camera and declared, "EVERYONE USED TO HAVE A HAMSTER!" This is the kind of dialogue DESIGNED to cause psychological trauma in impressionable youngsters, or at least to boost the sale of hamsters. IS "SESAME STREET" IN LEAGUE WITH THE HAMSTER CARTELS? I used to think every episode of "Sesame Street" was gone over with a fine-tooth-comb by educators and child psychologists and a priest and a minister and a rabbi and two Nobel laureates because they genuinely cared for childred and did not want to make anyone cry, and then I found out that Mark-Jason Dominus (the man who named Kibology) used to work for them. -- K. ALSO, I NEVER HAD A HAMSTER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Hamsters, was: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 23:01:55 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > ALSO, I NEVER HAD A HAMSTER! > > is there something wrong with you? EVERYONE had a hamster! I never had a hamster. I had some gerbils and some mice at various times. My best gerbil died while he was in an Earth Day diorama at school They made us set them up outdoors and leave them in the hot sun all day and at lunchtime my teacher was calling to me from the other side of the fence to come get my gerbil who looked sick, and the f'ing playground monitor wouldn't let me go. My gerbils also completely demolished a plastic gerbil wheel once when I was out of town for a few days. All that were left were lots of tiny plastic fragments and this little nub where the wheel attached before they chewed it up instead of being smart enough to run around on it. However, I think it was the mice where my family took a vacation for two weeks, and when I got back the two mice had turned into about twenty cannibals. That was what made me decide that pet rodents were a bad idea. > everyone mail kibo a hamster, so he'll feel better Please, don't E-mail me anything that will die before I read my E-mail. -- K. AND DON'T SEND ME BOB HOPE, EITHER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hamsters, was: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 06:15:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > My rodent pets used to use their wheel to kill themselves. > > I am not making this up. I want to know more. Do you have photos? Also, your story would be funnier if you changed the word "themselves" to "Bob Hope". -- K. BOB HOPE KILLED BY DRUNKEN GERBILS AT THE WHEEL ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 12:01:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Further notes on the degeneracy of modern "Sesame Street": Okay, you probably know that a decade ago the "Sesame Street" muppets -- Bert, Ernie, Grover, Herry, The Count, Guy Smiley, Cookie Monster, etc. -- were replaced by Elmo, Elmo, Elmo, Telly, Rosita, Elmo, and more Elmo because Jim Henson died and Frank Oz left to direct bad movies, and between them they were all the interesting muppets. So now the show is about 95% Elmo. (Big Bird and Oscar are still there, with Caroll Spinney still playing only one of them at a time.) Then someone discovered that anything with quick edits in it (no matter whether the content was violent or not) made kids beat each other up, so they reduced the twitch content of "Sesame Street" and are now trying to increase kids' attention spans by ending every episode with a fifteen-minute "show within a show" called "Elmo's World", which is just like "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" at one-eighth speed, and starring only Elmo, and with all the humor removed. Today's episode built up to... it ended with... it had... OH, IT'S TOO HORRIBLE TO THINK ABOUT! Elmo used the World Wide Web. I know because his TV told him he was using "the World Wide Web". And I know it was a TV and not a computer because he turned it off by shrieking, "THANK YOU, TEE VEE!" Yes, folks, Sesame Street not only mentioned the Web, but Elmo has a WebTV! And he's required to be polite to his WebTV! WEBTV IS OUR LORD AND MASTER! Now they're playing the technofunk dance mix of the original "Sesame Street" theme with lots of seventies-disco-style laser gun noises added. It's not as good as the original, but it's far better than the atrocious White Reggae song they used in the early 1990s. I predict that the peppy technofunk theme song will become even more Kraftwerkish now that a German company purchased Jim Henson's estate this week. -- K. It's a terribly unpopular thing to say, but I think "Barney" feels more like the original "Sesame Street" than the current "Sesame Street" does. I am getting tempted to go back to the Children's Museum just so I can watch that tape loop of the first episode of "Sesame Street" (complete with the Claymation title sequence) a few more times. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Please kill me. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 11:36:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > During one of the last few days of work at the video store, I discovered > someone who STILL thought 'Blair Witch Project' was real. I'm sure such people will exist until the end of time. Why am I confident in this? Because I know there are people who think "Star Trek" was real. -- K. I thought it was obvious that only _parts_ of it were actually filmed in outer space and that it wasn't an actual World War II documentary like "The Philadelphia Experiment". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Please kill me. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 12:42:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com You will forgive me for posting two completely different followups to the same article, but I thunk of something different to say, and I didn't want to wait for someone else to post a followup that I could post a followup to because I need to go to bed once my stomach stops making these loud noises that would keep me awake. "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > During one of the last few days of work at the video store, I discovered > someone who STILL thought 'Blair Witch Project' was real. I like how human beings, left to their own devices, have a somewhat greater than 50% chance (maybe even 55%) of recognizing that something completely ridiculous, with a credit for the screenwriter, is quite possibly made-up, but if that same item has a sticker saying "THIS IS REAL BECAUSE IT HAS THIS STICKER ON IT" it automatically becomes real because now you have two independent sources (the box AND the completely separate sticker on the box) corroborating and confirming your conclusion. Lots, here's an experiment you can do at the video store: 1. Point to a "Teletubbies" tape and ask someone if it's really real. 2. They'll say, "No, what do you think I are, a moron?" 3. While they watch, pick it up and move it to the next shelf over, which has a sign that says "ANYTHING ON THIS SHELF AUTOMATICALLY BECOMES TRUE". 4. Again ask if it's really real. 5. They'll yell, "HOO-EEE, OF COURSE IT'S REAL! THEY COULDN'T SAY IT IN PRINT ON THAT HAND-LETTERED SIGN IF IT WEREN'T TRUE AND STUFF!" This demonstrates that humans ascribe much greater importance to labels than to logic. Which is good, because it's easy to make a label when you need to bamboozle someone. (Bamboozling people with logic is, paradoxically, difficult because people are too _stupid_ to be easy to trick with brainy logic.) I've heard there once was a psychology experiment that went thus: The researcher invites himself into your kitchen. They take two glasses and some sugar out of your cupboard. They fill your two glasses with your sugar. Using one of your felt-tip pens, they write "SUGAR" on one glass and "CYANIDE" on the other. They brew some coffee in your Mr. Coffee and ask you to put some sugar in it and drink it. You use the sugar labelled "SUGAR". They ask you to try some of the other sugar. You refuse. They tell you your income tax will double and you will get a terrible rash if you don't try the other sugar. You still refuse, and inform the researcher that it's not sugar, it's cyanide, can't they read? (If anyone has a citation for this experiment, I'd love to look up the original. Assuming, of course, that it really happened. But I know it did because the guy who told the story to me said it was real. And he must have known because someone else must have told him it was real! So now two people have said it's real! Three, if you count me! Count me count me count me!) -- K. When I film "The Special Show: The Movie" I'm going to put a sticker on it that says it's the ONLY true story ever filmed. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Um who? Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 23:22:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Eric, Ebony, Marble and Damon" (demonorgy@clara.co.uk) wrote: > > Now i'm just a lamer. > But i have a question. > Who is Kibo? What does he do, What is his angle? Why is he here? > Sorry > > Bye > Eric > > -- > ====================================================== > Please feel free to join any of my Onelist newsgroups. > Discussion on Rodents:- http://www.onelist.com/community/Rodents > Discussion on Formula 1:- http://www.onelist.com/community/GreatFormula1 > > ====================================================== > RatCode: RC(0.2) 1m1r B-- C D++ F- N S+m 0r2c1 OCU a- > -----BEGIN GEEK CODE BLOCK----- > Version: 3.12 > GU d? s:+ a--- C+++ ULU P+ L+(+++) E---- W++ N++ o-- K- w O M-- V? PS+++ > > PE-- Y PGP-- t++@ 5-- X+ R tv+++ b++>++++ DI-->+ D- G e* h! r++ y+ > ------END GEEK CODE BLOCK------ What's my angle? Obtuse observations about acute bozosity. Especially if it involves supermarket checkout divider bars, 7-Eleven's "El Taco", children's TV shows that were cancelled in the 1970s, remakes of "Battlestar Galactica", durian-flavored Pez, Charles Nelson Reilly, computers with too many rounded corners, the people on "CNN Headine News" who can't understand the news they're reading aloud, Potsie, airline food, the "Three Stooges" slot machine, Citroma The Sparkling Laxative, the word "woxwox", machines that print photos on cakes, and the mouse that lived in my stove back in 1991. Also, I was the guy on "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?" Why am I here? To answer questions about why I am here. By the way, your Geek Code is wrong, especially the "K" part. -- K. "What's My Angle?" was a classic game show where Larry Blyden got bent. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gravitational field cannot be constant. Date: Sun, 27 Feb 2000 23:31:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, Pertti Lounesto (Pertti.Lounesto@hit.fi) wrote: > > In another thread, Mikko Levanto wrote: > > > > Gravitational field cannot be constant. > > Let us take this statement literally. > > Assume that the gravitational field would > make a 90 degrees bending in the middle > of your apartment. How would you feel > gravity? Hey, Pertti, "If gravity moved in zigzags, what would be on TV tonight?" is _my_ crazy made-up science theory! Stop trying to steal my crazy made-up theory! It's registered with the International Registry Of Crazy Ideas! -- K. Also, no matter which way gravity went, one would still feel it the same way -- with the magnetic particles that sense gravity located at the base of the brain. I think the earlobes are also involved, because they always hang down, even in outer space. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The iBook: Still Wimpy-Looking After All These Months Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 00:05:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I saw an ad for Apple iBook today (you know, that portable computer I had been making fun of because it's all rounded and pastel and blown-up-Barbie-toy-looking, and you carry it from a purse handle) which said, and I am quoting precisely: BUILT TOUGH TO STOP CROWDS "Our computer will get you beaten up by roving gangs of gay-bashers, but don't worry, it's made of thick plastic so it won't break while Andrew Dice Clay is jumping up and down on it." I still like how everything sold in the United States is available in Guy Stuff and Girlie Stuff models. Computers, wristwatches, glue guns... FOR HIM FOR HER --------------------------- ---------------------------- endorsed by George Foreman endorsed by Martha Stewart black & chrome white & pastel blocky corners softly rounded melted case normal size 5% smaller molded-in handgrips fold-away carrying handle that cut open your fingers makes howling noises whisper-quiet when you turn it on waterproof kidproof includes spare parts so extended warranty you can repair it yourself costs only $300 extra ...but it includes COUPONS! -- K. When will they stop making sexist appliances? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Logic! Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 01:58:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I'm watching "Dateline", and they're doing a segment about how horrible it is that police officers undergoing training have to be sprayed with pepper spray but THEY CARRY GUNS AND YET THE TRAINEES DON'T HAVE TO BE SHOT!!! It's logic like that that impresses the part of my brain that doesn't understand logic. Things I like about "Dateline": 1. Whenever they mention that a document exists, the various pages of it spin onto the screen from different directions before arranging themselves in a pretty fan shape. Then all the nouns get real big and develop red-and-black dog-bone shapes around them. Other channels just use little noun-shaped spotlights. 2. The host often stands in front of a bank of a hundred TV sets all showing the same picture, which is so much more impressive than Channel 5's bank of TV sets showing all sorts of different pictures (most of which are simply printed on translucent plastic.) 3. The show's title is "Dateline NBC" because all their news reports are filed on a day named "NBC". -- K. I'm waiting for "Dateline DSV". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: to Athens; AP's Sci Odyssey tour Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 07:33:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (plutoniu@willinet.net) wrote: > > --- quoting from my travel notebook --- > > [...large chunk of travel notebook omitted for clarity...] > > It is around 12 noon and our bus is stopped for lunch at a Greek restaurant. > Something about Greek food that is less appealing to me than Italian food. > Maybe too much meats and oils. Maybe because I as Archimedes of Syracuse > invented spaghetti noodles and made a wood device that makes the noodles > in large quantity. And perhaps that was one of the reasons for the Romans > and Marcellus to invade Syracuse, much like drug companies want to raid > other drug companies for their blockbuster formulas. Spaghetti sure was > a blockbuster new food when I invented it, and it still is. And since history > repeats in blocks only with a spice kicker added to each new block, I will > invent a new food in this reincarnated lifetime. Sometime before I die > in this life, I shall invent a new food dish that becomes a major food of > the future just as I invented spaghetti in Ancient Greek time. Back then, were you also the guy who proved that tomatoes were poisonous? -- K. Nowadays we know that tomatoes aren't poisonous unless you eat them. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: News Of The Neutered! Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 11:42:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com United Press International informed me: > A First In Indian Politics > > A eunuch has won India's provincial elections to become the > first member from the widely castigated sexual minority to enter the > legislature. > Independent candidate Shabnam Mausi, who's also known as > Shabnam Aunty, defeated the candidate of India's largest Congress Party > in the central state of Madhya Pradesh. > Khairati Lal Bhola of the All India Eunuchs Welfare Society > calls Mausi's victory a landmark achievement for the country's nearly 1.3 > million eunuchs. > Eunuchs are also known as hijras, or impotent ones, in India. > They consider themselves neither men nor women, but most of them wear > feminine dresses and adopt female names. They make a living by dancing on > happy occasions such as the marriage of a son or the birth of a son in a > family. While some are born with deformed sexual organs, others are > either hermaphrodites or homosexual cross-dressers. > Eunuchs could not vote in India until 1994, when the Supreme > Court gave them the right to vote. Please sort the following into the order they will occur: * America's first female president * America's first gay male president * America's first lesbian president * America's first male eunuch president * America's first cross-dressing male eunuch president * America's first female eunuch president * America's first cross-dressing female eunuch president * America's first hermaphrodite president * America's first president with deformed sexual organs * America's first computer-generated president * America's first midget president * America's first toddler president * America's first non-white president ...although maybe we should strike a couple of those questions in light of Millard Fillmore. -- K. And I still want to know if it would be legal to walk around nude if I woke up with no genitals tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.econ,talk.politics.theory,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Birth of the Science of Economics; new movie: FED CHAIRMAN Greenspam LASSOES Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2000 23:58:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.econ, talk.politics.theory, and sci.physics, "Uncle Al" (UncleAl0@hate.spam.net) wrote: > > [re Archimedes Plutonium] > > To: abuse@willinet.net, postmaster@willinet.net > > This jerk is a chronic spammer and troll who was discharged for cause > from his job as a dishwasher at Dartmouth for Net abuse through > university hardware. This has no business being crossposted in > sci.econ, talk.politics.teory, and sci.phyiscs all. You misspelled "Keep it out of sci.hcem, fool." -- K. Say what you want about Archie, but at least you gotta admit he knows how to spell "physics". (Whereas Uncle Al knows what the word _means_.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: NOT ENOUGH NEWS Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 01:38:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > You there! Go out and make something happen! Why? Because there's not enough > news in the world! The afternoon news had to report on a movie special > appearing on their station later that day. > > NOT ENOUGH IS HAPPENING IN THIS WORLD!!!!! More evidence of that: Anson "Potsie" Williams has not set up an official Anson Williams Web site yet! I guess he's just too BIG to be on the Web! -- K. However, I got personal E-mail from Ed Begley Jr. today. Called me "Kibo" and everything. Now there's a celeb who knows how to work the Web, unlike Potsie! I'm going to stop liking Potsie if he doesn't set up a Web site. I think that Ed Begley Jr. should not only reprise his role as Ensign Greenbean in _both_ of the "Battlestar Galactica" movies that people are trying to make, but also he should play Potsie if they ever make a "Happy Days" movie. (And they could have Harrison Ford play the Fonz!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Got Me a new Credit Card today Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 06:06:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tom Kraemer (tkraemer@world.std.com) wrote: > > I used to have an MBNA mastercard, the Star Trek edition ("You know > you've got too many credit cards when you've got the Star Trek > MasterCard!!), the new card I received today is the MBNA German Heritage > MasterCard, with the German flag colors on the front. This was a little > surprise, I didn't sign up for this special edition card, and I get no > dicount when taking a cash advance in DeutscheMarks. > > I think I'll have to run out and buy a monacle or some lederhosen, or > maybe a Luger or a Meerschaum pipe. I don't think there's enough limit > here to buy a BMW. Dear Tom KrŠmer, There are two possibilities: 1.) Elie Wiesel has found you and you're about disappear, leaving behind nothing but your credit history, or 2.) They've simply used the powerful technique called "data mining" to determine that there is a slight correlation between being a Trekkie and being German, therefore, watching "Star Trek" makes you turn German. I don't recall feeling particularly German after I used my credit card to pay seventeen bucks to ride "Star Trek: The Experience" in Las Vegas last month, but maybe that's because I only rode it to laugh at it, so I'm not a Trekkie. If hypothesis #2 is true, my bank will now conclude that because I do not like "Star Trek", I must like Jerry Lewis, and am therefore French. So I better tell them I hate cheese just to make sure I don't become French. If I had to pick an ethnic stereotype for my credit card, I think I'd go with one that says "Wealth Arab Sheik" on the front in one of those fonts that's supposed to remind people of Arabic writing even though it's just 18th-century French cursive. That would make my bank happy because it would be secretly French but it would tell everyone else they don't need to check my credit limit because I'm so rich they can trust me. Either that or I'd get the "Klingon Heritage MasterCard" with "Federal Breast Inspector" printed on the back. -- K. And a License To Kill. WITH MY GAZE!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Got Me a new Credit Card today Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 06:18:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tom Kraemer (tkraemer@world.std.com) wrote: > > I (tkraemer@world.std.com) just wrote: > > > > Any suggestions? > > Never mind. When I called to activate the thing I found it only had a > $200 limit, which is useless. No MP3 Player, no Luger. I _thought_ it would cost more than $200 for you to buy an Olympic athlete wearing a crash helmet and a tight rubber bodysuit. But it does explain why that Olympic event exists. The Olympics are just pimpin' pretty boys in fetishwear. I still want to know why some people are supposedly better at the luge than others. I mean, the only skills required are hanging on tight and pointing your toes inwards to reduce wind resistance, or possibly because you have to pee. I would think everyone would go downhill at the same rate now matter what (skinny people would have lower wind resistance, and fat people would be heavy enough to slide fast anyhow.) Also, if the driver is allegedly employing some sort of skill, why isn't the doubles luge twice as fast as singles luge? AND WHY COULDN'T THE PROFESSOR FIX THE HOLE IN THE BOAT? -- K. And wouldn't amputees have even less wind resistance? They should ban handicapped people from the Olympics because they'd have an unfair advantage! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.space.policy,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: February 29 is a Leap Year Day Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 07:41:03 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.space.news, Ron Baalke (baalke@kelvin.jpl.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Forwarded from John Mosley (jmosley@earthlink.net) > > February 29 is a Leap Year Day > > (Press Release) Ron, no offense, but... FEBRUARY 29 IS *ALWAYS* A LEAP YEAR DAY! Now you can cancel further research into which February 29s are leap years. (I just saved NASA several million taxpayer dollars.) You're welcome. -- K. I paid to have a lunar crater named after my cat at the Museum of Science. When is NASA going to get around to mailing the crater to me? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: February 29 is a Leap Year Day Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 00:33:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "info starlight" (info@starlight.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I paid to have a lunar crater named after my cat at the > > Museum of Science. > > Wow! What kind of cat do you have that it's at the > Museum of Science? Is it one you built yourself? > > Frankenpuss? You're confusing me with Louis Wain. My cat at the Museum of Science is the "PUSH BUTTON TO SEE CAT" cat, where when you whack the button and run away, a light comes on a moment later so that people standing where you were can see the cat. The light comes on for five seconds and then goes off for a minute, because it would annoy the cat to have the light on more than 10% of each minute. Also the cat has a window in the side so you can see its innards working, and if you put a quarter into it the cat will play tic-tac-toe. It seems magical, but it's all the result of a clever trick with electronics: Whenever the cat loses, it's given an electrical shock. (In the basement we're training a puppy to play chess this way. Poor Spot!) Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go write a story about Louis Wain, because I like Louis Wain because Wain was insane in the brain. -- K. Also he had that Batcave under his mansion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Purging -- what's your policy? Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 07:55:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In soc.libraries.talk, PJ Browning (pjbrowning@earthlink.net) wrote: > > "tromp" (tromp@newnorth.net) wrote: > > > > OK, we all know that sometimes things have to go. Our Purge Police are > > wiping out entire sections of the collection (up to 60 or 70%), and the > > rest of us are cringing in horror. > > 60% of your collection isn't that insane. If it is inline with your > collection development policy. For example, here are library categories that could easily be reduced 60 to 70%: * Horoscopes Fortelling The Years 1920 Through 1940 * Used Coloring Books * Equal Numbers Of Books About The Three, Six, Nine, And Twelve Stooges * Biographies Of Paramecia * Books That Advocate The Violent Overthrow Of The Dewey Decimal System * Books Where All The Pages Fell Out Long Ago (also known as "Dover Books") * Applied Mythology * Books That Eat People * Books Whose Title Contains The Misspelling "Jar Jarb" * Large Smelly Print Books * William Shatner's Novels * Catalogs Of Catalogs Which Don't List Themselves * Books On Bubble Tape -- K. Remember, if you sell off the unwanted books, when the buyers die their estate will try to donate the books back to the library, so be sure to burn all the books. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: from the sci.* newsgroups, my favorite Subject: lines of the week Date: Tue, 29 Feb 2000 12:23:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I dipped into the science newsgroups today and read only the Subject: headers, which is the same as only reading the photo captions in "Scientific American", except that you get to make up your own mental imagery. In sci.bio.misc, "Rcjohnsen" (rcjohnsen@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: New Corn Plant Draws Fire They ran out of second-rate celebrities and are now using vegetables on "Win, Lose, Or Draw". (Is the late Bert Convy still hosting that, or did they finally replace him?) In sci.bio.technology et al., "Bart" (b-k@niria.nl) wrote: > > Subject: Shareware biological waste gas cleaning "If you wish to continue farting after 30 days, you must pay the shareware fee. Paying your shareware fee will remove the computer voice saying 'THIS FART IS UNLICENSED' each time." In sci.archaeology, "Aquila198" (aquila198@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: Betty's Hope Archaeological Dig "We have carefully brushed away the outer layers of Bob Hope's skin, revealing evidence of an ancient civilization deep within..." In sci.physics.research, Michael Weiss (michael@spamfree.net) wrote: > > Subject: Photons, Schmotons: Counting Fotons Hey... that rhymes! And more about photons, from the WebTV contingent: In sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Subject: Einstine Dont Know Photons!!! YAY! A WEBTV OWNER WHO'S SMARTER THAN IENSTIEN! But other WebTV owners seem to be less smart than Ienstine, at least when it comes to mastery of spelling one-syllable words: In sci.astro, Steven Rogers (Barrister@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: Black Hoes There seems to be a theme of sorts today, ho ho ho: In sci.astro, Salvatore Russo (SalvatoreRusso@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: Is there ane one ho can Explan the di namics of the planets . And this thread from a few weeks ago is still going on under the same title: In sci.physics, "G=EMC^2 Glazier" (herbertglazier@webtv.net) wrote: > > Subject: Universes As Endless Snow Flacks But the winner for WebTV Bozo Spelling Of The Day is starwolf51@webtv.net in sci.astro: > > Subject: OUR WE ALONE MAYBE WE OUR'NT! -- K. I OUR ALMOST TWICE AS SMART AS EINSTINE! IENSTIEN, SHMIENSTIEN! EIENSTAEIENE WAS A FLACKY HOE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: HAW HAW! Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 02:15:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > HAW HAW! I'm posting this but YOU CAN'T READ IT! > HAW HAW HAW! THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A BIG PQQPYHEAD! > Unless you can read it, and then I WUV OO IN aLL CAPS! I posted a very witty reply where nobody can read it or verify its existence. -- K. Unless you knew I was going to say that, in which case, I WUV YOU WITH MY FOOT!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: This Day In Calendars Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 11:59:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Via ClariNet, United Press International disseminated: > > REASONS TO CELEBRATE TODAY: > > WEDNESDAY: This being March 1, today marks the beginning of > American Red Cross Month, Bible Women Awareness Month, Ethics Awareness > Month, Hemophilia Month, "Waah! We can't stop bleeding until April!" > Humorists Are Artists Month, "Let's go see The Artist Formerly Known As Carrot Top!" > International Mirth Month, "Let's go see someone a hell of a lot funnier than Carrot Top!" > International Listening Awareness Month, Irish-American Heritage > Month, Mental Retardation Awareness Month, It's mean of them to spend a whole month going around making sure all retarded people are aware that they're retarded. > Music In Our Schools Month, National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness > Month, National Craft Month, National Eye Donor Month, Well, I was planning on using both of my eyes, but what the hey, now's the best time to have one of my eyes removed because the month says to. It's legally binding! I just hope there's not another Eye Donor Month next year. > National Frozen Food Month, National Humane Education Awareness Month, > National Kidney Month, (All kidneys get to take the month off.) > National Nutrition Month, National On-hold Month, "Waah! I have to stay on hold a whole month, and I'm still bleeding!" > National Professional Social Work Month, National Sauce Month, > National Talk With Your Teen About Sex Month, National Umbrella Month, > National Women's History Month, Optimism Month, Play-The-Recorder Month, OH, THE HORROR! THE HORROR! THE PLASTIC MUSICAL INSTRUMENT LOBBY IS GOING TO FORCE US TO LISTEN TO ELEMENTARY-SCHOOL STUDENTS PLAYING "HOT CROSS BUNS" AND "THREE BLIND MICE" ON THEIR DAMN TOOTERS! > Poison Prevention Awareness Month, Rosacea Awareness Month, > Workplace Eye Health and Safety Month and Youth Art Month. > Today through next Tuesday is National Write A Letter of > Appreciation Week, Return the Borrowed Books Week, Save Your Vision Week > and Universal Human Beings Week. Wasn't that a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie? No, wait, he was "Universal Soldier", not a human being. > It's National Pig Day. Take a porker to lunch. Just don't > order pork chops. But do order kidneys! Before they stop bleeding! > This is Stop Bad Service Day. > Today is Independence Day in Bosnia Herzegovina. > Korea celebrates Samiljol, or Independence Movement Day, today. Korea and Bosnia aren't independent at all! They're "independent" in exactly the same way! They shouldn't call it "Independence Day", they should call it "Cheap Rip-Off Of A Different Country's Holiday Day"! > This is Chalandra Marz in Engadine, Switzerland, when costumed > young people - ringing bells and cracking whips - drive away the demons > of winter. Except for the demons that like young people with whips. Hmm, this explains a _lot_ about why Switzerland is filled with kinky perverts. And Mummenschanz. Don't forget Mummenschanz! NEVER FORGET MUMMENSCHANZ! > And today is St. David's Day in Wales, celebrating the patron > saint of Wales. Welsh tradition calls for wearing a leek on this day. That must cause a terrible dilemma for Peter Davison. -- K. I thought the only Welsh tradition was to never pay up on a bet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bad typography on the Internet Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 12:04:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com via ClariNet, UPI just tried to pass off someone else's press release as news: > > LENEXA, Kan. - You don't HAVE to get the flu. There are things > you can do to stay healthy and decrease your chances of catching the flu > or a cold. > B.F. Ascher & Company, Inc. -- a pharmaceutical firm and maker > of Ayr(R) nasal saline moisturizing mist and gel -- offers these tips: > 1. Get a flu vaccine. The CDC suggests that individuals, > especially those at high risk, get the vaccine "as long as flu > vaccine is available and flu activity is continuing." Call your > doctor or local health department for more information. > 2. Get adequate rest. Most people need 8 or more hours of > sleep to maintain good health. > 3. Eat a balanced diet consisting of a variety of foods, > especially fruits, vegetables and grains. This can help your body > have the "fuel" to maintain its energy and strong natural defenses > against viruses. Would you say that little typographic flaw is a "river", or is it more of an "ocean"? -- K. Also, these flu tips are only good in Lenexa, Kansas. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Einstein's mistake Date: Wed, 1 Mar 2000 12:42:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics, hugonews@my-deja.com wrote: > > in my opinion Einstein spent his life > trying to be recognized by his father, > (his father had stolen his soul) > not because of some 'pussy galore' with > all due respect. > > And no, there never was no party, > it's all in your heads. > > In my case i prefered working to save my soul. > My soul is not for sale. > > NH2O3-what does this mean? This is the first time I've ever seen a crackpot theory in the form of a rap lyric. -- K. The best crackpot theories all boil down to "I don't like Einstein 'cuz he went around thinkin' he was all smart and stuff!" with no attempt at science. It's rare to see one that waits until the second sentence to slam Einstein for being brainy. You know, if scientists ever actually decide Einstein was wrong, then the crackpots won't have anything to talk about. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Eddie Eagle Wuvs You. Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 02:11:05 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp I went to the NRA's Web site to learn about gun safety and found more rules than I expected. > Eddie Eagle Costume Available To Law Enforcement > > Rules & Regulations for Using Eddie Eagle Mascot Costume > > * Eddie Eagle must be used only for the purpose of firearm accident > prevention. You can't dress your Chasey Lain Inflatable Playmate in the suit. > * Anyone who receives permission to use Eddie Eagle incurs an obligation > to maintain the integrity of the character. So that Eddie won't have any skeletons in his closet when he runs for President. > * Eddie Eagle prevents accidents and must always be portrayed in this > role. He provides a helpful firearm accident prevention message and may > only be portrayed as a teacher/mentor figure. But... I thought he was an _eagle_. "HEY, KIDS! I'M A TEACHER, NOT AN EAGLE!" > * Eddie Eagle is helpful; he must only convey positive, constructive > messages. Eddie Eagle never blames anyone for failing to take action; > rather, he helps children learn what they can do. Eddie Eagle is the "good cop". Meanie Mole "bad cop" costume sole separately. > * Eddie Eagle must be portrayed at all times as someone who values and > is respectful of good relations with law enforcement, community officials, > teachers, parents, youth, senior citizens, businesses, and community > organizations. In other words, everyone except unemployed single people in their 30s. > * Eddie Eagle never endorses any person, product, or company. He never > endorses, either directly or indirectly, any candidate for political > office, any political party, or any campaign, whether issue oriented or > not. He does not appear at ribbon cuttings or store openings, nor can he > be used for advertising purposes. That's the main difference between him and Ronald McDonald. That, and that Ronald carries a loaded shotgun in his jodhpurs. (Why _do_ unfunny clowns always wear jodhpurs? Only Nazi, old-tyme movie directors, and polo-playing royalty wear them, and those three are even less popular than unfunny clowns.) > * Eddie Eagle may be used in conjunction with other characters with > positive images for educational purposes in the areas of crime, violence, > accident, and/or drug abuse prevention. Like the NRA's newest character, "Ronnie The Rules Rodent", who teaches kids the rules of how to use Eddie Eagle. > * Eddie Eagle is always clothed in a red vest and white high-top > sneakers. He may not wear a hat or any other types of clothing, including > T-shirts. When in print or in person he may carry an appropriate prop, > e.g., holding a flag on July 4, in his hands. He's not allowed to have hands, he's an _eagle_! But at least he's not allowed to wear jodhpurs. Also, since he promotes gun safety, shouldn't he be allowed to wear a bullet-proof vest? > * Eddie Eagle may not be shown holding a firearm or a weapon of any type > or any weapon-like object. He must not behave in a threatening manner. He must be as non-threatening as any other seven-foot-tall giant predatory bird containing a police officer performing mime. Hey, what's the policeman allowed to wear under the costume? Jodhpurs? > * Eddie Eagle may never be associated with violent activity and may not > be portrayed in a violent scene. "Eddie Eagle's was found murdered in this alley... but we couldn't draw a chalk outline of him because that would be portraying him in this violent scene." > * An appearance by Eddie Eagle in costume at any national or > international event must be approved in advance by the NRA. But an appearance by Eddie Eagle out of costume is okay. > * The costume may be used only to help promote firearm accident > prevention that is sponsored by or conducted in conjunction with a law > enforcement agency. Also it must be a law enforcement agency that doesn't own a costume. > * Eddie Eagle must always wear full costume in public. But behind closed doors, the red vest comes off! > * Eddie Eagle never reveals his true identity. He stays in character at > all times. Even while being mailed to police departments around the country. > * Eddie Eagle does not speak and must be accompanied by a spokesperson > at all times. Can't they just get him one of those computers like Stephen Hawking has? > * Eddie Eagle always uses appropriate mannerisms. That is, he only uses effeminate mannerisms when he's actually being gay. > * Eddie Eagle is never offensive: i.e. jokes, vulgar language, obscene > gestures. So remember, he can only say things that aren't dirty when he talks, which he doesn't. > * Eddie Eagle never appears where firearms are being used, sold, or > displayed. That's okay, the NRA will have other people on the scene. > * Eddie Eagle does not smoke, use illegal drugs, or drink alcoholic > beverages. He will never be placed in situations where these items are > located. "Oh no! Someone is smoking a cigarette! Eddie Eagle has to leave!" > * Eddie Eagle avoids potentially controversial, offensive, or dangerous > situations. I am offended by the fact that he avoids controversy. > * Eddie Eagle does not sell any product, request donations, or accept > charitable funds other than for the Eddie Eagle Program. "I was going to give my money to the NRA, so I tried to give it to their mute cartoon mascot. But he wouldn't take it, so I gave it to Ronald McDonald. So that he can help the kids at Ronald McDonald House learn why they should never eat at Burger King." > * Eddie Eagle never responds negatively to hecklers in a crowd. However, it's okay for him to beat up hecklers if they're alone. > * Eddie Eagle avoids being overly aggressive or scaring children. He > will generally allow children to initiate contact. I'm glad he tries not to scare kids while teaching them "NEVER EVER EVER TOUCH GUNS! GUNS ARE DEADLY!" > * Eddie Eagle does not make appearances to support political candidates > or causes. So, if I'm in third grade, and I'm running for class president, and Eddie Eagle comes to my school, and I hug him, and someone takes a photo for my campaign Web site, do I have to go to jail, or just resign from the NRA? > * The Eddie Eagle costume must always be stored in a secure area, > inaccessible to the general public. Any loss must be immediately and > formally reported to local law enforcement and to the NRA. And to McGruff, The Crime Dog. > * Only participants in a law enforcement program may use an Eddie Eagle > costume. Thus stamping out the lucrative "PAY A NICKEL TO WEAR THE EDDIE EAGLE COSTUME FOR FIVE MINUTES" business. > * Law enforcement related pins and badges may be worn on the vest. A > small tag, button, or pin crediting the purchaser of the Eddie Eagle > costume (if it was donated to law enforcement) may be worn on the vest as > well. No patches may be sewn on the costume. Even if there's a big hole and his butt's hanging out? > * To maintain consistency of the image, the costume wearer should be > 5'5" to 6' in height and should appear reasonably fit and of normal build. And have a great chest if female. > * The wearer of an Eddie Eagle costume must put on and take off the > costume in private, never in view of any member of the public. However, Eddie Eagle must be accompanied by a spokesperson at all times so as to never be in private. Thus, once you put on the suit, you're going to die of old age in the suit. > * The Eddie Eagle costume must be kept out of sight of the public both > before and after its use. However, these lists of rules may be left lying around. > * Eddie Eagle should always be accompanied by an appropriate law > enforcement or crime prevention escort. In handcuffs. > * Only one Eddie Eagle may appear at an event. Children in particular > may become confused if there are two or more Eddie Eagles present. So, if I show up in my own Eddie Eagle costume, the other one has to leave? > * The wearer should use caution when walking in the Eddie Eagle costume. > Line of sight is restricted. Always have someone accompany the wearer of > the costume to help guide Eddie Eagle and indicate when there are children > in his path, when someone wishes to meet Eddie Eagle, or where steps or > other obstacles are nearby. Kids should have it explained to them that Eddie Eagle has vision trouble from that time a bad old gun exploded in his face. > * Common sense must be used in wearing the costume. Rain or snow may > damage it, and extreme heat may be hazardous to the well-being of the > wearer. No one should be allowed to wear the costume for more than 20-25 > minutes in temperatures above 85 degrees Fahrenheit. Individuals may take > turns wearing the costume in such conditions, taking care to change out of > sight. And to wring out the sweat. > * Eddie Eagle never drives. Eddie Eagle should never appear to loiter > after an event. When the purpose of his appearance is fulfilled, the > wearer should depart, remaining in costume until out of the area. Eddie Eagle should remember to carry bus fare since he can't drive. > * Photographs of Eddie Eagle, alone or with others, must always present > the Eddie Eagle image in a responsible, positive manner consistent with > these guidelines. Ah, like the one at http://www.nrahq.org/safety/eddie/graphics/eddiekids.jpg that shows him smacking the kid on the head. And the one at http://www.nrahq.org/store/details/279.gif where he's making a gesture inappropriate for international events. > * Eddie Eagle should never be positioned for a photo in any manner that > will obscure his name on his vest. Ah, like the one at http://www.nrahq.org/safety/eddie/graphics/videographic.gif which shows almost half of his name. Or the one at http://www.nrahq.org/store/details/270.jpg where his vest just says "E". > * Eddie Eagle should never engage in conduct unbecoming or inappropriate > to his image. To maintain the integrity and credibility of the Eddie Eagle > symbol, all inappropriate uses of the Eddie Eagle costume or the "STOP! > Don't Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an Adult." slogan should be reported > immediately to the NRA. If you see Eddie Eagle misbehaving, STOP! DON'T TOUCH! -- K. You can be the coolest kid in school with an Eddie Eagle lunchbox, from the NRA's online store. You know they've got good security there because it says, "The NRA -- Protecting online orders." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A serious stupid question. Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 08:00:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Canned hash comes in two flavors, Corned Beef Hash and Roast Beef Hash. Both are made from cheap cuts of mechanically-separated comminuted beef and rehydrated potato-like cubes. (Hormel's Mary Kitchen brand also has a terrifying Sausage Hash.) My question is, what _is_ the difference between Corned Beef Hash and Roast Beef Hash, except that one has pink dye in it and tastes bad? Also, why doesn't my favorite brand of non-Hormel hash come in Roast Beef flavor any more? -- K. And do the good people at Hormel have more or less concern for quality than Hanna-Barbera? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A serious stupid question. Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 13:00:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chip Salzenberg (grout@pobox.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Both are made from cheap cuts of mechanically-separated comminuted beef > > and rehydrated potato-like cubes. > > Do I want to know what "comminuted" means? I _could_ write an hour-long drama titled "The Dictionary: It's Your Word-Filled Pal That Defines Love" but I'm under a court order not to help the Teens Of Today ever again, since the incident where I taught some kid some new words and the school nurse washed out his mouth with expanding foam insulation. So I'll just tell you what I'm talking about without actually mentioning that you could have just looked it up in Mr. Dictionary. "comminuted" means "whoops, we ground this up until it was too runny to make hot dogs out of". It's between "pureŽ" and "frappe" on your blender. Note that "mechanically-separated" meat also means pureŽd, except that they mechanically separate it by grinding it up with the bones still in it, and then they squoosh it through a screen door to filter out the larger bits of the bone and the bits too small to see become an important source of calcium. (The bits that are larger get weeded out and put into dog food. Don't ask me where the "ash" content in dog food comes from.) They now have a technology where they can toss a quadrant of a chicken into an automated milling machine and it will scrape the bones clean, much like desert termites, without breaking the bones. Meat produced that way is considered real meat by the government, whereas meat with ground-up bones is "mechanically separated". Also I think snouts count as skeletal meat and not organ meat. This is because pigs have their skeleton on the outside of their nose. If you're really good I'll tell you what the natural red coloring named "cochineal" was before they put it in your candy. -- K. Hint: After you grind up a ladybug you can't tell how many spots it had. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A repost about Aibo, the robotic dog that makes Spot look hefty Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 09:16:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sony's "Aibo" robotic dog has been mentioned in the news every two months as An Incredibly Cool Brand New Thing That Nobody's Ever Thought Of Before, and I've received several requests to comment on it, so I'm pulling what I wrote about it last year out of the archives and forcing you to read it here now because I don't want to write anything new unless it's a run-on sentence which is the best kind of sentence there is and I like bacon. //////////// RERUN //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony gives the world a robotic dog Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 08:38:51 GMT In ten newsgroups (clari.world.asia.japan, clari.tw.electronics, clari.tw.computers.misc, clari.tw.top, clari.tw.new_media, clari.world, clari.world.asia+oceania, clari.tw, clari.biz.front_page, *and* clari.news.photos), because it was so important, "AFP / Kiriko Nishiyama" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > TOKYO, May 11 (AFP) - Sony Corp. Tuesday unveiled its first > litter of robotic dogs that can play, bark, talk and even develop > their own personalities, but cannot die. That's because when you buy them THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!!! I just hope they don't have a stupid name. > The gleaming metallic puppy-sized robot is named AIBO, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! > the Japanese word for partner. The first two letters of the name also > refer to "artificial intelligence." And the last three letters of the name refer to a lawsuit. > The AIBO acts much like a puppy, although it cannot move as fast > and does not urinate on lamp posts. To prevent constant urination, Aibo must be surrounded by lamp posts. If you don't have lots of lamp posts, Aibo will piddle all over your house, and in no time at all you'll be so terrified of Aibo's constant flood of robot urine that you'll develop Aibophobia. And then you'll develop it again. Backwards. (That was a callback to 1990. I would do a ten-year callback but I don't think the good people on alt.religion.kibology would get references to ACM:CB. I said the *good* people.) > It has 18 types of movement allowing it to play ball, crouch as > if urinating, and to move its head, body and all its legs in > coordination depending on its action or mood. WHEN IT IS HAPPY IT URINATES, WHEN IT IS SAD IT MOVES ITS BODY BUT NOT ITS HEAD OR ITS LEGS. AIBO IS PERFECT. AIBO IS PERFECT. > The dog likewise reacts to petting, stroking and punishment, > either by sulking or playing with a ball of its favourite colour. ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE FAVORITE COLORS! DANGER! DANGER! IT IS NOT A ROBOT! DESTROY! DESTROY! > They go on sale over the Internet for a hefty 250,000 yen (2,500 > dollars) each from June 1. Sony says it hopes to sell 3,000 in Japan > and 2,000 in the United States. Ha! And we all thought that Japanese executives thought Americans were stupid. Well, Sony just insinuated that American consumers are only 2/3 as dumb as Japanese consumers. > Among the myriad of commands and reactions already installed, > Sony's "staff debated whether to create something called a death > function," said general manager Tadashi Otsuki. MARTIN LANDAU: Helena, while Computer is off-line, I'll have to risk computing our trajectory with this manually-operated calculator. BARBARA BAIN: John, don't touch it -- COSINE COULD BE THE DEATH FUNCTION!!! MARTIN LANDAU: Yaaaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh! Grunt! Harrrrrrrrrghhh! Fnoor!!! BARBARA BAIN: John! Stop adjusting your shorts and do something! MARTIN LANDAU: Oh no! MY SHOES ARE UNTIED! UUNNNNNNTIIIIEEEEEEEEEED!!!!! GHARRRRRRRRRRR!!!! RRRROWWWWRRRRRR!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BARBARA BAIN: I see. > But Sony decided death was not required, instead allowing owners > to simply restart their pets with a fresh programme. I programmed my robotic dog to bite the guy who delivers the electronic mail. > "It is technically impossible to replace real animals with > robots," said Otsuki. "In a sense, it would be a profanity to God." And God has sensitive ears! > The dog comes with an array of sensors -- a colour > closed-circuit camera, heat sensors, infra-red range finder, touch > sensors, acceleration and speed sensors and a stereo microphone. > "The last 10 years of the 20th century were dominated by > personal computers and the Internet," said Sony vice president > Toshitada Doi, showing off the new pet, which stands 27 centimetres > (11 inches) tall. > "For the next 10 years until 2010, we are certain that robots > with independent movement will be the big thing," he added. And then for the next ten years, paper money that flies around the room constantly while biting people will be the one and only popular thing, and then for the next ten years it'll be inflatable water that boils at thirty-six degrees C and explodes at thirty-one degrees F, and during the next ten years the only thing anyone will be allowed to like will be individually wrapped pre-used diapers to save you the trouble. > Accepting most of its commands via a remote control, AIBO also > barks, talks and even sings in English or Japanese. It's hard to tell which, of course. > Owners can also train their dogs via a programme on a computer > screen. I showed my robotic dog some alt.religion.kibology articles and he said, "I wish I could die." But he couldn't, so I had the last laugh. > And future AIBO generations are being developed to respond to > their masters' verbal commands, and maybe even to play soccer, > according to Doi. Nothing is more fun than watching a $2,500 robotic dog playing soccer. Except maybe the idea that I could sell people robotic dogs for $2,500 even though this year's model can't even play soccer! IF IT CAN'T PLAY SOCCER THAN WHAT GOOD IS THIS ROBOTIC DOG? > For now, an AIBO owner can praise his dog by touching its head > for more than two seconds. One shove to the head is interpreted as > punishment and can immediately depress the artificial canine. And if you shove the dog for three seconds it means you're punishing him by praising him too much. > Expressions of joy or sorrow are helped by 18 joint motors in > the mouth, tail and head. That brings a smile to the joints in my mouth. > At the news conference demonstration, AIBO rose from a table > after being patted on the head. THE UNDEAD DOG FLEW AROUND THE ROOM!!! (Insert brief stock footage of Flaming Carrot chasing the flying dog-corpse as it ruins little Timmy's brithday party by sticking its icky paws in his birthday cake.) > It waved its front paw -- a greeting in AIBO language -- and > then stepped forward to catch a pink ball which the dog tracked with > a colour camera installed in its nose. Why couldn't they put the camera in its eyes? Because the smell organs are there, DUH-UH! > Sony says it will take orders from June 1 at the Internet > address http://www.world.sony.com/robot/ Okay, I'm going to go there now and mine it for funny sentences to point at: -> The pause button on AIBO's chest is used to stop AIBO in any emergencies, THANK YOU, GOOD MONSTER GAMERA! THAT TINY ROBOTIC DOG WOULD HAVE DESTROYED TOKYO IF YOU HADN'T PUSHED ITS PAUSE BUTTON! TRULY YOU ARE FRIEND TO ALL CHILDREN AND STOPPER OF ROBOT DOGS! -> This software is for creating and editing AIBO's operation data (motion -> data). With this, you are the master of AIBO's motions and can make -> original performances only your AIBO may know! Hundreds of Japanese men are at this very moment inventing perverse new forms of interactive erotic fiction beyond my capacity to imagine. -> Does AIBO bark? -> Yes, AIBO barks! But AIBO is multi-talented, and can sing little -> robotic melodies, as well as make lots of different kinds of -> sound effects. You'll have fun just listening to AIBO! Oh, joy, if there's one thing I like more than a melody, it's a robotic melody. You know, like DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE and DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA. And the only thing better than a robotic melody is a little robotic melody, like DEE-DEE-DEE or DA-DA-DA. And hey, it makes LOTS OF DIFFERENT KINDS of sound effects to. You'll wake up to your dog making fingernails-on-a-blackboard noises through its mouth- mounted stereo amplifier as it sits on your chest, and if that's not enough, you'll also enjoy the sound of your dog constantly making the sound of a crying baby on a Boeing 747 through its rectal speaker. Sound effects are fun! I won't even mention that Sony's site also includes a screen-saver depicting Aibo sky-diving, and the dreaded "Aibo Alert" sounds for your computer (WOW IT'S AMAZING THAT MY COMPUTER CAN SOUND JUST LIKE A ROBOT DOG!!!!) or the photo gallery, which includes such photos as "Fairly Tale" where Aibo is cavorting in a field of red poppies. Incidentally, Aibo looks just like the Imperial Walkers from "The Empire Strikes Back" only wearing sunglasses that make him look more evil. -- K. I will buy one when the price drops to $2.98. And when they add a Death Function. With a pushbutton for it. On the outside of the package. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mother killed, baby "serious" after attack by deadly bees Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 09:40:35 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In clari.living.animals, clari.world.oceania.australia, clari.news.crime.murders.misc, clari.living, clari.living.misc, clari.world.asia+oceania, clari.news.crime, and clari.news.crime.murders, AFP (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Mother killed, baby "serious" after attack by deadly bees I'd hate to think what would have happened if they had been attacked by The Serious Bees! Also today's news of our evil animal friends: > Subject: Eagle deaths concern caregivers In a tragedy at a popular series of revival concerts featuring really old rock bands, The Eagles were attacked by The Byrds, The Monkees, and The Beatles. The Turtles couldn't be reached for comment because we didn't care enough to dial the phone. > Subject: Python not cause of death RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S SOMETHING OTHER THAN A PYTHON! -- K. Notice I didn't say it was "something completely different." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 09:54:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Mojo Jojo" (niwashi@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > > > All telephones should be in hexidecimal. > > I would rather have a binary phone, since two digits are far easier to > remember than twelve. However, the tradeoff is that in an emergency, I > would need to dial: 1110001111. If I wanted phone sex, I would need to > dial: 10001110111100000110001. Hmm, maybe a binary keypad *isn't* such > a good idea. You guys are just trying to get me to make my yearly rant about the joys of Base Negative Two and the Gray Code a little early this year, aren't you? Well, it won't work, because instead I'm going to post a much more recently-devised rant, from 1994. The following article was once selected (on a whim) as my favorite article of that era: \\\\\\\\\\ SLANTY THINGS MEAN A RERUN \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) \\ Subject: Our plan to SAVE THE WORLD! \\ Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology \\ Date: Sat, 18 Jun 1994 10:37:38 GMT \\ From now on, while you read alt.religion.kibology, our little semi-transparent logo--only about three inches across--will be constantly hovering in the lower-right corner of your screen. This is so that you don't forget which channel you're watching. After all, you *must* be a moron, because you're *watching TV*! Beginning next week, all broadcast stations, cable channels, and Usenet groups will adhere to this rule, and in two weeks these extensions to the basic concept will be added: 1.) Below the logo it will say "YOU'RE WATCHING TV." in case you forget what you're doing; 2.) A large digital clock will be superimposed in the center of the screen in the middle of an analog dial (so as not to discriminate against people who dislike the digital clock); 3.) All laugh tracks will be accompanied by a woman's voice saying emotionlessly, "YES, THAT WAS FUNNY, SOMEONE JUST TOLD A VERY FUNNY JOKE, NOW WE'RE ALL LAUGHING HERE IN TEE-VEE LAND." and 4.) All programs made before 1953 will be Moronized(TM). For instance, when "Casablanca" is shown on television, the ending will now feature a cream pie fight accompanied by wacky clown music. Rebroadcasts of Edward R. Murrow's classic "See It Now" will show him picking his nose. The famous Nixon/Kennedy debate will be a burping contest. "Married With Children", "Beavis and Butthead", and Mentos ads will be unaltered. Currently in the draft stage is a plan to make all printed matter as easy to understand as TV. For instance, Dostoyevsy's "The Idiot" will be rewritten by Bob Saget and retitled "DUH, LOOK AT ME, I'M STUUUPID!". Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" will be called "12TH NITE", and even the Bible will be rewritten: 1 In the beginning the Universe sucked. Then God did cool stuff to it. Everything was cool, and that was nice. In the future, all literature will be Moronized(TM) to make it more easily accessible to people who aren't rocket scientists like Albert Einstein. Even this very post will be retroactively rewritten by BIFF. Also, it will be officially declared that it is always midnight, so that bozos won't have to suffer the slings and arrows of admitting that they can't set the clock in their VCR. (How can people be capable of setting the clock in their watch, but not the clock in their VCR?) And also, other ways we will make the world more convenient for complete idiots include: 1.) Free lobotomies for anyone who has trouble understanding the new, more easily understandable television programming; 2.) Free cars with computerized steering controllers programmed with the location of every McDonalds in the world to automate 90% of all driving; 3.) TV sets will have simplified controls, eliminating many of the buttons, such as the one that turns the set off; 4.) Restaurants will be required to circle one item on the menu and label it "THIS IS REALLY GOOD AND EVERYTHING ELSE HERE TASTES LIKE DIRT" to save you the trouble of deciding; 5.) Your computer will be replaced with a Lite Brite(R). Lite Brite, makin' spreadsheets with li-i-ight! and 6.) We'll see simplified telephones. HAVE YOU EVER MADE A PHONE CALL WITHOUT NEEDING A BRAIN? Y O U W I L L ! Phase One will be to introduce a phone where any phone call can be made by pressing a single button, and no numbers will be needed: the phone will have six billion little buttons, one for everyone in the world, arranged geographically with little pictures of they people right on the buttons! Nothing could be simpler--except Phase Two! Phase Two will see a phone with only *one* button. To call 555-1212, you would simply push the button 5551212 times in rapid succession! But wait, we can simplify further! In Phase Three, phones would have no buttons at all! You'd simply pick up the handset, and all the phones in the world would ring, and then you'd just shout "EVERYONE EXCEPT MYRON BEABLE, PLEASE HANG UP NOW!" and they all would because if they didn't they'd go to jail. Of course, in this society for the stupid, even jail would be simplified. Convicts would simply be placed in a room that has a five-dollar bill on the floor. We'd simply wait for them to not take the money, and this would prove that they've been rehabilitated, and we could let them go! Currency would also be simplified. If you needed to give someone $67.98 for a tank of gas, you'd just pull a generic bill out of your wallet and fill in the blank that says, "THIS PIECE OF LEGAL TENDER IS WORTH $_____"! One bill, no fuss, no muss! Fuss would be frowned upon, and muss would be punishable by a fine. The fine would be a million billion trillion zillion dollars. Everyone would be able to afford it, it'd just take a long time to write out the number. It's just another example of how in this utopian world everything will be made illegal so that there will be no crimes! And all this improvement, this perfect society, will be brought about by the superimposition of tiny little transparent logos on the corner of your screen! THE WORLD IS YOUR FRIEND AND WE WANT TO MAKE IT EASIER TO HUG. IT'S OKAY TO BE STUPID--WE'LL LOVE YOU EVEN *MORE*! -- K. (transparently) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reason #387 Why Kibo Needs To Visit LA Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 10:17:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.religion.kibology and la.eats, Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > LA really is the most kibological city on earth. What? Did Las Vegas fall into the ocean? > From Jonathan Gold's column in the LA Weekly > > Pork pump > > Nobody outside L.A. may ever have heard of the stuff, but pork pump -- > basically 2 pounds of Chinese braised hog lard with a fist-size lump of > soft meat at the core -- is the quintessence of sweet, heavy Shanghainese > cooking, perfumed with garlic and star anise, flavored with rock sugar, > and approximately the molecular weight of plutonium. The term pork "pump" > supposedly originated as a typo on the original menu of Chinatown's Mon > Kee (pork rump was the intention, one guesses), but the dish, and the > name, soon spread to serious Chinese restaurants all over the San Gabriel > Valley. The definitive version, served on a bed of snow-pea leaves at the > splendid modern-style Shanghainese restaurant Lake Spring Cuisine in > Monterey Park, is as luscious as the finest foie gras, and though it feeds > 10 people, you may be tempted to polish it off by yourself. 219 E. Garvey > Ave., Monterey Park; (626) 280-3571. He's right, I've never heard of the stuff. Even NOW! I just hope scientists are working on splitting those plutonium molecules up into pluto atoms and ium atoms. It is interesting to find out that there is a restaurant somewhere which actually does use the uninteresting part of the pea plant. I had suspected there might be because Boston's 88 Super Market (the mid-size one, not the enormous Super 88 Super Market one) has always had a big bin of pea stems and leaves and tendrils. THEY'RE TENDRILICIOUS! But I've never before encountered any recipes involving them. I knew they had to exist, because a Chinese chef would never throw any piece of any sort of plant away. "Hey, don't throw out that perfectly good gall!" But just to make it hard for us foreigners, the Chinese markets always separate the plants into three pieces and put the leaves in one bin and the fruit in another bin and the roots in a third bin and put different signs on them in Chinese cursive written in ballpoint using names that have never been translated properly so that any Chinese-To-English dictionary will tell you that everything in the supermarket is "vegetable". (I wonder when they'll settle the "alimentary paste" vs. "imitation noodle" war.) Other interesting plant parts I've seen at the Super 88: * frozen bitter melon leaves * pickled grapes * 88-pound plastic hazwaste drums of pickled unspecified vegetable * very small Chinese Okra (only two feet long) * frozen durian juice * sixty-dollar jackfruits the size of Chinese Okra * jujubes (the actual fruit the candy tastes better than) * caltrops (the only vegetable that is also a defensive weapon -- I have no idea why water-chestnuts evolved that shape before there were barefoot people) * and the beguilingly-named "Q Toy" and, yes, galls, which are those brown ball-shaped things that grow on tree trunks when insects lay their larvae in the tree. Mmm, larvae in a crispy bark shell. This reminds me, I need to try the Gingko Gruel I bought at the Super 88 today. -- K. I am NOT buying the 88-pounder just to find out that it's got kimchi sealed inside. Also, it's around the corner from even heavier things, such as the 100-pound drums of MSG. How many people would that kill if I dumped it into the reservoir? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,la.eats From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reason #387 Why Kibo Needs To Visit LA Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 10:34:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com [I have already posted one response to Ted's article, but it wasn't cross-posted to la.eats because it would frighten and confuse them.] In la.eats and alt.religion.kibology, Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > LA really is the most kibological city on earth. It isn't until I visit it. So let's see, we're currently up to about twelve parts of the country that Kibologists want me to visit so that I can annoy them in person. Los Angeles is definitely on the list, as are Seattle and Dallas and lots of other places. Of course, my travel habits are highly fickle, dependent on whims, where the Delta Web Fares specials are that week, and most importantly, what's on TV that weekend. (I'm staying home this weekend because "Baby Geniuses" is on HBO four times and I want to make sure they're all bad.) That's another reason to visit LA. To find the people who made "Baby Geniuses" and ask them if the movie was based on a true story. > From Jonathan Gold's column in the LA Weekly > > Pork pump > > Nobody outside L.A. may ever have heard of the stuff, but pork pump -- > basically 2 pounds of Chinese braised hog lard with a fist-size lump of > soft meat at the core -- [...] > supposedly originated as a typo on the original menu of Chinatown's Mon > Kee (pork rump was the intention, one guesses), I think the big question is whether "Mon Kee" also originated as a typo. Does LA still have the "Poo Ping" restaurant? Or was that somewhere else? In Boston's Chinatown there aren't any restaurant names I can make lame jokes about. (There's the Golden Palace, which has the same name as a sitcom spin-off nobody remembers. "Wok-In" is gone. Other than that, none of the restaurants here have funny names. Unless you count "Orientaste" as a restaurant, which I don't.) > but the dish, and the name, soon spread to serious Chinese restaurants (I wonder if Poo Ping is a serious restaurant or a silly restaurant.) > all over the San Gabriel Valley. The definitive version, served on a bed > of snow-pea leaves at the splendid modern-style Shanghainese restaurant > Lake Spring Cuisine in Monterey Park, is as luscious as the finest foie gras, > and though it feeds 10 people, you may be tempted to polish it off by > yourself. It sounds like something I'd enjoy a lot (I love sugared roast pork in all its incarnations) but I don't think I could eat a 10x portion. "I'd like the Pork Pump with a side of Stomach Pump, please." -- K. Anyway, to get back to the topic at hand, I promise everyone in Los Angeles that I'll visit someday. If you see someone standing on the Walk Of Fame yelling, "WHOA, I'M ACTUALLY STANDING ON MARTIN LANDAU!" that'll be me. Or Barbara Bain. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bad Idea! Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 12:10:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie." I am _not_ making this up. Now, that would have been a bad idea even if they had made it at the peak of the D&D craze... in 1984... sixteen years ago. Now, it's a worse idea and a relic of a bygone era. What's next, "Pac-Man: The Movie"? "Rubik's Cube: The Motion Picture"? I had been looking forward to a highly bozotic year in movies -- what with "Mission To Mars", "Red Planet", "Ghosts Of Mars", and "Mars IMAX 3D" all being released this year, and not just one but _two_ "Battlestar Galactica" movies in pre-production -- but this is a mind-bogglingly flopworthy idea. Movies based on games are a bad idea. Movies based on games specifically designed to appeal to detail-obsessed nerds ("Is this canon? Is that canon?") are a _really_ bad idea. Making a movie of "Dungeons & Dragons" is like making a movie of "The Star Trek Technical Manual". Except that the D&D rules fill about five books that size. Also, all the knockoffs of the movie beat it to theaters by sixteen years. (Remember Marc Singer in his little loincloth?) From www.creationent.com: > Corey Solomon, director of the feature film version of the game > Dungeons & Dragons, said the movie will follow the rules of the > game--unless they get in the way of a good story. Oh, great, this means we'll be able to thrill to the sight of nerds leaving the theater discussing, "Did that ogre look like he lost the right number of hit points after he failed his saving through on that d20?" > Solomon told the Dungeons and Dragons Movie fan Web site that > filmmakers "took very careful care since the inception of the script > to ensure that the D&D [game] rules would be followed in the film." Even the rules that contradict the other rules? Even the rules that only psychotic dungeonmasters force the players to use because they suck all the fun out of the room, like computing your encumbrance every fifteen seconds? OF COURSE, I DON'T KNOW ALL THE RULES OF D&D. Also, is it going to follow the Advanced Dungeons & Dragons rules or the Dungeons & Dragons Basic Set rules? And which version of the Basic Set? They've changed the rules completely a few times. I STILL MAINTAIN I DON'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT D&D TO BE A NERD!!! > But, he added: "Obviously, with the difficulties of translating D&D > to a film and creating an exciting film, some of the rules had to be > compromised or altered in order to make the film work. But generally > speaking, we followed the rules. We have altered some spells, or > created new ones, but we have also used a bunch of the spells people > would expect to see in a D&D world." What? They're going to ruin it if they use _made-up_ spells instead of the completely real ones from the game! > Solomon added that the movie won't use settings from the games or > from books based on them. But I bet there will be a book based on the movie based on the game. And then a game based on the movie. I mean, they made a home game for "TV Scrabble". > "Sumdall is a city of mages created by mages, and much of the film > revolves around the city of Sumdall THAT'S SURE SUMDALL CITY YOU PUT IN YOUR MOVIE!!! And the small part of the movie that doesn't take place in Sumdall City will be set in Boringmovieville... on the Planet Sucko. > and [the] Empire of Izmer. The film needs to be looked at ... > as an adventure that takes place in a D&D world. Due to the nature > of the game, and every adventure's being different, we felt that > this was a good approach." So, a movie based on D&D should be set in a D&D world... _This_ was the hardest they thought about it before throwing money at it? It's been filmed in Czechoslovakia. It has a small role for Tom Baker, who was in "The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad" and was "Doctor Who" longer than any of the other twelve actors. Also appearing is the guy who directed "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". They're presumably in the film just to guarantee that all the nerds in the world will be in the same place at the same time so the Cool People can lock them in the theater and give them wedgies. Tom Baker was also in the TV series based on the board game "Clue", not to be confused with the movie based on the board game "Clue", which was a major flop because (HEY HOLLYWOOD) movies based on games are always BAD IDEAS! About five years ago they tried to make a "Doom" movie but it never got to theaters. Presumably the people who got the word to Hollywood that movies based on games will be bombs have been killed so that they'll be free to make more films like "Super Mario Brothers: The Movie", "Mortal Kombat II", "Street Fighter II", and "Wing Commander". I expect that someday they'll try to make "Yahtzee: The Movie" and, as a serious Oscar contender, "Candyland: The Motion Picture". -- K. I hear that when Gary Gygax heard about the D&D movie, he jumped off the World Trade Center. P.S. Anyone who tells me they knew about "Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie" six months ago will get a wedgie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A question for Kibo Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 03:32:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Brad Sims (bmsims1@home.com) wrote: > > Oh Supreme Omnipotent Being, please answer my humble question > What is the fundamental unit of Bozosity? The "unit". -- K. The standard is overseen by a task force based in England, with the assistance of a guy who wears a long rainbow-colored scarf indoors and fights monsters that can't climb stairs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.knight-rider,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: David Hasselhoff Dies Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 03:39:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.tv.knight-rider, "richard clauser" (michknight@webtv.net) wrote: > > I heard a rumor that David Hasselhoff will die in the ending episode of > "Baywatch"! I guess that since he will not be doing "Baywatch" anymore, > that perhaps he can do "Knight Rider" again! Let's hope so! > > That's it for now, Terry So, when David Hasselhoff dies, will they also kill Mitch? Or will they have Mitch played by some other guy? -- K. I think Marjoe Gortner's available.