Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Eddie Eagle Wuvs You. Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 02:11:05 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp I went to the NRA's Web site to learn about gun safety and found more rules than I expected. > Eddie Eagle Costume Available To Law Enforcement > > Rules & Regulations for Using Eddie Eagle Mascot Costume > > * Eddie Eagle must be used only for the purpose of firearm accident > prevention. You can't dress your Chasey Lain Inflatable Playmate in the suit. > * Anyone who receives permission to use Eddie Eagle incurs an obligation > to maintain the integrity of the character. So that Eddie won't have any skeletons in his closet when he runs for President. > * Eddie Eagle prevents accidents and must always be portrayed in this > role. He provides a helpful firearm accident prevention message and may > only be portrayed as a teacher/mentor figure. But... I thought he was an _eagle_. "HEY, KIDS! I'M A TEACHER, NOT AN EAGLE!" > * Eddie Eagle is helpful; he must only convey positive, constructive > messages. Eddie Eagle never blames anyone for failing to take action; > rather, he helps children learn what they can do. Eddie Eagle is the "good cop". Meanie Mole "bad cop" costume sold separately. > * Eddie Eagle must be portrayed at all times as someone who values and > is respectful of good relations with law enforcement, community officials, > teachers, parents, youth, senior citizens, businesses, and community > organizations. In other words, everyone except unemployed single people in their 30s. > * Eddie Eagle never endorses any person, product, or company. He never > endorses, either directly or indirectly, any candidate for political > office, any political party, or any campaign, whether issue oriented or > not. He does not appear at ribbon cuttings or store openings, nor can he > be used for advertising purposes. That's the main difference between him and Ronald McDonald. That, and that Ronald carries a loaded shotgun in his jodhpurs. (Why _do_ unfunny clowns always wear jodhpurs? Only Nazi, old-tyme movie directors, and polo-playing royalty wear them, and those three are even less popular than unfunny clowns.) > * Eddie Eagle may be used in conjunction with other characters with > positive images for educational purposes in the areas of crime, violence, > accident, and/or drug abuse prevention. Like the NRA's newest character, "Ronnie The Rules Rodent", who teaches kids the rules of how to use Eddie Eagle. > * Eddie Eagle is always clothed in a red vest and white high-top > sneakers. He may not wear a hat or any other types of clothing, including > T-shirts. When in print or in person he may carry an appropriate prop, > e.g., holding a flag on July 4, in his hands. He's not allowed to have hands, he's an _eagle_! But at least he's not allowed to wear jodhpurs. Also, since he promotes gun safety, shouldn't he be allowed to wear a bullet-proof vest? > * Eddie Eagle may not be shown holding a firearm or a weapon of any type > or any weapon-like object. He must not behave in a threatening manner. He must be as non-threatening as any other seven-foot-tall giant predatory bird containing a police officer performing mime. Hey, what's the policeman allowed to wear under the costume? Jodhpurs? > * Eddie Eagle may never be associated with violent activity and may not > be portrayed in a violent scene. "Eddie Eagle was found murdered in this alley... but we couldn't draw a chalk outline of him because that would be portraying him in this violent scene." > * An appearance by Eddie Eagle in costume at any national or > international event must be approved in advance by the NRA. But an appearance by Eddie Eagle out of costume is okay. > * The costume may be used only to help promote firearm accident > prevention that is sponsored by or conducted in conjunction with a law > enforcement agency. Also it must be a law enforcement agency that doesn't own a costume. > * Eddie Eagle must always wear full costume in public. But behind closed doors, the red vest comes off! > * Eddie Eagle never reveals his true identity. He stays in character at > all times. Even while being mailed to police departments around the country. > * Eddie Eagle does not speak and must be accompanied by a spokesperson > at all times. Can't they just get him one of those computers like Stephen Hawking has? > * Eddie Eagle always uses appropriate mannerisms. That is, he only uses effeminate mannerisms when he's actually being gay. > * Eddie Eagle is never offensive: i.e. jokes, vulgar language, obscene > gestures. So remember, he can only say things that aren't dirty when he talks, which he doesn't. > * Eddie Eagle never appears where firearms are being used, sold, or > displayed. That's okay, the NRA will have other people on the scene. > * Eddie Eagle does not smoke, use illegal drugs, or drink alcoholic > beverages. He will never be placed in situations where these items are > located. "Oh no! Someone is smoking a cigarette! Eddie Eagle has to leave!" > * Eddie Eagle avoids potentially controversial, offensive, or dangerous > situations. I am offended by the fact that he avoids controversy. > * Eddie Eagle does not sell any product, request donations, or accept > charitable funds other than for the Eddie Eagle Program. "I was going to give my money to the NRA, so I tried to give it to their mute cartoon mascot. But he wouldn't take it, so I gave it to Ronald McDonald. So that he can help the kids at Ronald McDonald House learn why they should never eat at Burger King." > * Eddie Eagle never responds negatively to hecklers in a crowd. However, it's okay for him to beat up hecklers if they're alone. > * Eddie Eagle avoids being overly aggressive or scaring children. He > will generally allow children to initiate contact. I'm glad he tries not to scare kids while teaching them "NEVER EVER EVER TOUCH GUNS! GUNS ARE DEADLY!" > * Eddie Eagle does not make appearances to support political candidates > or causes. So, if I'm in third grade, and I'm running for class president, and Eddie Eagle comes to my school, and I hug him, and someone takes a photo for my campaign Web site, do I have to go to jail, or just resign from the NRA? > * The Eddie Eagle costume must always be stored in a secure area, > inaccessible to the general public. Any loss must be immediately and > formally reported to local law enforcement and to the NRA. And to McGruff, The Crime Dog. > * Only participants in a law enforcement program may use an Eddie Eagle > costume. Thus stamping out the lucrative "PAY A NICKEL TO WEAR THE EDDIE EAGLE COSTUME FOR FIVE MINUTES" business. > * Law enforcement related pins and badges may be worn on the vest. A > small tag, button, or pin crediting the purchaser of the Eddie Eagle > costume (if it was donated to law enforcement) may be worn on the vest as > well. No patches may be sewn on the costume. Even if there's a big hole and his butt's hanging out? > * To maintain consistency of the image, the costume wearer should be > 5'5" to 6' in height and should appear reasonably fit and of normal build. And have a great chest if female. > * The wearer of an Eddie Eagle costume must put on and take off the > costume in private, never in view of any member of the public. However, Eddie Eagle must be accompanied by a spokesperson at all times so as to never be in private. Thus, once you put on the suit, you're going to die of old age in the suit. > * The Eddie Eagle costume must be kept out of sight of the public both > before and after its use. However, these lists of rules may be left lying around. > * Eddie Eagle should always be accompanied by an appropriate law > enforcement or crime prevention escort. In handcuffs. > * Only one Eddie Eagle may appear at an event. Children in particular > may become confused if there are two or more Eddie Eagles present. So, if I show up in my own Eddie Eagle costume, the other one has to leave? > * The wearer should use caution when walking in the Eddie Eagle costume. > Line of sight is restricted. Always have someone accompany the wearer of > the costume to help guide Eddie Eagle and indicate when there are children > in his path, when someone wishes to meet Eddie Eagle, or where steps or > other obstacles are nearby. Kids should have it explained to them that Eddie Eagle has vision trouble from that time a bad old gun exploded in his face. > * Common sense must be used in wearing the costume. Rain or snow may > damage it, and extreme heat may be hazardous to the well-being of the > wearer. No one should be allowed to wear the costume for more than 20-25 > minutes in temperatures above 85 degrees Fahrenheit. Individuals may take > turns wearing the costume in such conditions, taking care to change out of > sight. And to wring out the sweat. > * Eddie Eagle never drives. Eddie Eagle should never appear to loiter > after an event. When the purpose of his appearance is fulfilled, the > wearer should depart, remaining in costume until out of the area. Eddie Eagle should remember to carry bus fare since he can't drive. > * Photographs of Eddie Eagle, alone or with others, must always present > the Eddie Eagle image in a responsible, positive manner consistent with > these guidelines. Ah, like the one at http://www.nrahq.org/safety/eddie/graphics/eddiekids.jpg that shows him smacking the kid on the head. And the one at http://www.nrahq.org/store/details/279.gif where he's making a gesture inappropriate for international events. > * Eddie Eagle should never be positioned for a photo in any manner that > will obscure his name on his vest. Ah, like the one at http://www.nrahq.org/safety/eddie/graphics/videographic.gif which shows almost half of his name. Or the one at http://www.nrahq.org/store/details/270.jpg where his vest just says "E". > * Eddie Eagle should never engage in conduct unbecoming or inappropriate > to his image. To maintain the integrity and credibility of the Eddie Eagle > symbol, all inappropriate uses of the Eddie Eagle costume or the "STOP! > Don't Touch. Leave the Area. Tell an Adult." slogan should be reported > immediately to the NRA. If you see Eddie Eagle misbehaving, STOP! DON'T TOUCH! -- K. You can be the coolest kid in school with an Eddie Eagle lunchbox, from the NRA's online store. You know they've got good security there because it says, "The NRA -- Protecting online orders." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Space: 1999" Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 06:48:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Jim Nowotarski (of no known address) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is there anyone else on the Internet who remembers where they were > > when "Space: 1999" was _new_? And when Oscar was orangish-brown? > > Uh, in high school? I remember being upset that I had to do something > at school the > evening that the local TV station ran the half hour promotion for the > series. > My father dutifully watched it for me (this is pre-vcr, you know) and > helpfully told me, > "They were fooling around on the back of the moon and it blew up." > > Many years later I was to realize the wisdom in that sentence. Maybe someday we will _all_ come to realize the wisdom of blowing up the Moon. > Sadly, I had to watch all of the episodes at least twice. I usually can't find the plot until at least the ninth viewing. Ever seen the one where the rock that makes The Death Color falls in love with Maya? Pee-yew! That's the dumbest plot about an evil rock that I ever saw! -- K. The episode did have Barbara Bain screaming in agony, so it wasn't all bad. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:00:46 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > For some reason I always really *liked* Mummenschanz. I think I was > severely disturbed. Or at least you have a fetish for people who have toilet paper for faces. Your sex life is going to be very, very, very unhappy. > What scared me was one of the things Nick Bensema mentioned: whenever > there were TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES while I was watching my PBS kiddie TV, I > had to go and hide. For a long time I thought that this was because of > some deeply metaphysical sensibility: I had feared that reality was going > to disintegrate someday and be replaced by a card that said PLEASE STAND > BY. (I actually did have a nightmare about that once: I dreamt that I > woke up in my bed in the middle of the night to see a giant, glowing, > 1970s-vintage WETA-26 PLEASE STAND BY card covering one entire wall of the > room. Maybe I was dreaming about "Fahrenheit 451.") Dear MATTHEW J MC IRVIN, Please cease STANDING BY. The state of EMERGERGENCY TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES has been resolved and there is no need to continue STANDING BY. If you have been STANDING BY all this time, you will not be DE-MOLECULARIZED by our new Benevolent Muppetator, Lord Kermit. Thank you for STANDING BY, unless you thought it was just a dream, in which case you are being DE-MOLECULARIZED even as you read this sentence. END END END > Anyway, recently I was thinking about this, and I realized that it wasn't > anything profound at all. As I've previously mentioned, when I was little > I had an incredibly sensitive startle reflex, and consequently had a dread > of anything that might make a sudden noise. TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES were > usually associated with a total absence of audio for an unpredictable > interval lasting a minute or so, followed by a sudden disembodied voice > saying "please stand by," usually at a fairly high volume level. I was > just afraid that I was going to be startled by the scary voice. RESUME STANDING BY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is all. END END END DELETE DELETE DELETE DE-MOLECULARIZER PREPARED FOR NEXT VICTIM RESETTING CEREBRAL TOMOGRAPHY APPARATUS END END END 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:07:33 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Keith Handy (keith@indierecords.com) wrote: > > Oh, incidentally . . . one thing that genuinely upset my young mind was > an episode of "Davey and Goliath" where Davey fantasized about getting > revenge on a kid who bullied him . . . they showed "fantasy scenes", one > where the bully kid gets tied to a tree on a high mountain where no one > can hear him, and another where he's getting his face pushed into wet > cement and leaving an imprint. I don't know if it was the principle or > the claymation, but in any event it kept me awake an extra hour that night. There really should be a show just to teach kids that revenge against bullies is wrong. It would feature a solid hour of this nerdy little boy torturing bullies every day, except at the end there would be this voiceover that said "The preceding was wrong!" and this would end all violence everywhere in the world forever, except for the bullies beating up the nerds and the nerds building giant robotic arms that pick up bullies and drop them in vats of acid. Oh, and there would be spaceships in it too because kids like spaceships, except for girl kids. So we'd have some fluffy pink half-pony half-whale creatures living in the spaceships and powering the spaceships with kissing. It would be the cartoon that's wholesome for EVERYONE! Except bullies. But that's okay because we'd amend the Constitution so that bullies wouldn't be allowed to vote so they'd never be able to undo the amendment. The End. -- K. Also the pony-whales would be real and you could have as many as you wanted unless you're not a girl in which case you'd get your own country. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 07:51:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Darla (darla4695@hfx.eastlink.ca) wrote: > > Man. You guys sure are pussies. *snort* Scared by "Sesame Street" or > "Davey and Goliath." *snicker* > > In MY day, "kids' shows" were half-hour nightmares like The Pinkie Lee Show. > Pinkie wore a bad sportcoat and a porkpie hat and did a stupid dance in the > opening and closing segments. One day he had a heart attack and DIED during > the show on live TV. After he died on your TV he hosted "The Gumby Show" for a little while, and then appared on "The Ed Sullivan Show". He did some Bob Hope specials and also appeared on the same screen as Ricky Freakin' Schroeder during a 1983 awards show on NBC, which was called -- I am not making this up -- "The Yummy Awards". (I'd hate to see "The Yucky Awards".) He died of a heart attack again in 1993, but this time I heard about it and Darla didn't, so I WIN!!!! Also, "Pinky" was just his nickname. It was short for Pincus. The only other Pincus I've ever heard of was in that one Pink Panther cartoon where he tried to catch the incredibly rare Pincus Fincus butterfly. > YOU weenies have a gander at a grown man thrashing around on the studio > floor with his tongue lolling and his eyes bugged out and people with 45 > pound headsets yelling and rushing at him. And then see the picture replaced > by an Indian head test pattern and that alien-landing "oooooo" sound, and > THEN tell me about "scared." HA! What's the big deal? He stole his whole act from Paul Reubens. The scariest thing about Pinky Lee was his theme song, "Yoo-hoo, it's me My name is Pinky Lee I skip and run with lots of fun For every he and she." -- K. If he were still on the air he'd get kicked off TV for ALMOST BEING GAY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sign Of The End Times #20000227. Date: Thu, 2 Mar 2000 07:27:52 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Tom says that everyone he went to college with worked at either a > > Cumlun Fahms or a Market Basket or a Purity Supreme. > > Something about the name "Purity Supreme" always made me expect > to see a Nazi rally going on inside. > > > Only, Purity closed down recently, > > GODWIN'S LAW KILLED PURITY SUPREME! I would insert something about Bucky O'Hare running around shouting, "NOBODY COULD LIVE UP TO THOSE STANDARDS OF SUPREME PURITY, NOT EVEN YOUUUU!!!" as Robert Vaughn slowly turns into Ian MacShane as a hideous space beetle but I think I've already stretched my chain of obscure sci-fi references to the point where the gluons have broken into little shards in a previous post so instead I'll just say that the Super 88 Super Market has more food with big red swastikas printed on it than any other supermarket even if you let a troubled junior-high student carry his notebook into the A&P and count all the deformed three-arms-go-one-way-one-arm-goes-the-other-way swastikas on the back. That sentence was brought to you by The Committee To Wipe Out Obscure Sci-Fi References To Bring About Supreme Purity Through Run-On Sentences That Are Followed By Another Really Long Sentence and now it's time for me to go because my stomach hurts and also I'm getting bored with this sentence exclamation point. -- K. I keep wondering why they made all those old horror movies where at the end the screen said THE END and then it changed to THE END? but they never made one where it changed to "THE END" THE END!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A serious stupid question. Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 08:00:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Canned hash comes in two flavors, Corned Beef Hash and Roast Beef Hash. Both are made from cheap cuts of mechanically-separated comminuted beef and rehydrated potato-like cubes. (Hormel's Mary Kitchen brand also has a terrifying Sausage Hash.) My question is, what _is_ the difference between Corned Beef Hash and Roast Beef Hash, except that one has pink dye in it and tastes bad? Also, why doesn't my favorite brand of non-Hormel hash come in Roast Beef flavor any more? -- K. And do the good people at Hormel have more or less concern for quality than Hanna-Barbera? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A serious stupid question. Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 13:00:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chip Salzenberg (grout@pobox.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Both are made from cheap cuts of mechanically-separated comminuted beef > > and rehydrated potato-like cubes. > > Do I want to know what "comminuted" means? I _could_ write an hour-long drama titled "The Dictionary: It's Your Word-Filled Pal That Defines Love" but I'm under a court order not to help the Teens Of Today ever again, since the incident where I taught some kid some new words and the school nurse washed out his mouth with expanding foam insulation. So I'll just tell you what I'm talking about without actually mentioning that you could have just looked it up in Mr. Dictionary. "comminuted" means "whoops, we ground this up until it was too runny to make hot dogs out of". It's between "pureŽ" and "frappe" on your blender. Note that "mechanically-separated" meat also means pureŽd, except that they mechanically separate it by grinding it up with the bones still in it, and then they squoosh it through a screen door to filter out the larger bits of the bone and the bits too small to see become an important source of calcium. (The bits that are larger get weeded out and put into dog food. Don't ask me where the "ash" content in dog food comes from.) They now have a technology where they can toss a quadrant of a chicken into an automated milling machine and it will scrape the bones clean, much like desert termites, without breaking the bones. Meat produced that way is considered real meat by the government, whereas meat with ground-up bones is "mechanically separated". Also I think snouts count as skeletal meat and not organ meat. This is because pigs have their skeleton on the outside of their nose. If you're really good I'll tell you what the natural red coloring named "cochineal" was before they put it in your candy. -- K. Hint: After you grind up a ladybug you can't tell how many spots it had. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A serious stupid question. Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 12:59:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > I eat more bugs than any of you, given where I work (in > a fruitfly genetics lab) and how sloppy my cow orkers are > about letting flies escape (really very much so. After > eating a banana I have a flock of escapees darting at > my mouth for an hour or so.) (Also, and I've posted about > this before, they like coffee for some reason [even tho > coffee ain't fruit] and they regularly commit suicide into > my beverages. I stopped bothering to fish them out a > couple of years ago; now I just swallow fast.) Yes, but you won't be a REAL mad scientist until you start bragging about eating your own poop. > Also, I have it on pretty good authority that any sort of > dark dried fruit (raisins, dates, prunes, etc) is RIFE with > embryos and larvae: it's too hard to inspect for something > that's black in a black background. That is NOT the reason I am never eating dried fruit again. -- K. Goddamn Jar Jar... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A repost about Aibo, the robotic dog that makes Spot look hefty Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 09:16:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sony's "Aibo" robotic dog has been mentioned in the news every two months as An Incredibly Cool Brand New Thing That Nobody's Ever Thought Of Before, and I've received several requests to comment on it, so I'm pulling what I wrote about it last year out of the archives and forcing you to read it here now because I don't want to write anything new unless it's a run-on sentence which is the best kind of sentence there is and I like bacon. //////////// RERUN //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sony gives the world a robotic dog Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 12 May 1999 08:38:51 GMT In ten newsgroups (clari.world.asia.japan, clari.tw.electronics, clari.tw.computers.misc, clari.tw.top, clari.tw.new_media, clari.world, clari.world.asia+oceania, clari.tw, clari.biz.front_page, *and* clari.news.photos), because it was so important, "AFP / Kiriko Nishiyama" (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > TOKYO, May 11 (AFP) - Sony Corp. Tuesday unveiled its first > litter of robotic dogs that can play, bark, talk and even develop > their own personalities, but cannot die. That's because when you buy them THEY'RE ALREADY DEAD!!! I just hope they don't have a stupid name. > The gleaming metallic puppy-sized robot is named AIBO, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! > the Japanese word for partner. The first two letters of the name also > refer to "artificial intelligence." And the last three letters of the name refer to a lawsuit. > The AIBO acts much like a puppy, although it cannot move as fast > and does not urinate on lamp posts. To prevent constant urination, Aibo must be surrounded by lamp posts. If you don't have lots of lamp posts, Aibo will piddle all over your house, and in no time at all you'll be so terrified of Aibo's constant flood of robot urine that you'll develop Aibophobia. And then you'll develop it again. Backwards. (That was a callback to 1990. I would do a ten-year callback but I don't think the good people on alt.religion.kibology would get references to ACM:CB. I said the *good* people.) > It has 18 types of movement allowing it to play ball, crouch as > if urinating, and to move its head, body and all its legs in > coordination depending on its action or mood. WHEN IT IS HAPPY IT URINATES, WHEN IT IS SAD IT MOVES ITS BODY BUT NOT ITS HEAD OR ITS LEGS. AIBO IS PERFECT. AIBO IS PERFECT. > The dog likewise reacts to petting, stroking and punishment, > either by sulking or playing with a ball of its favourite colour. ERROR! ERROR! DOES NOT COMPUTE! ROBOTS DO NOT HAVE FAVORITE COLORS! DANGER! DANGER! IT IS NOT A ROBOT! DESTROY! DESTROY! > They go on sale over the Internet for a hefty 250,000 yen (2,500 > dollars) each from June 1. Sony says it hopes to sell 3,000 in Japan > and 2,000 in the United States. Ha! And we all thought that Japanese executives thought Americans were stupid. Well, Sony just insinuated that American consumers are only 2/3 as dumb as Japanese consumers. > Among the myriad of commands and reactions already installed, > Sony's "staff debated whether to create something called a death > function," said general manager Tadashi Otsuki. MARTIN LANDAU: Helena, while Computer is off-line, I'll have to risk computing our trajectory with this manually-operated calculator. BARBARA BAIN: John, don't touch it -- COSINE COULD BE THE DEATH FUNCTION!!! MARTIN LANDAU: Yaaaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh! Grunt! Harrrrrrrrrghhh! Fnoor!!! BARBARA BAIN: John! Stop adjusting your shorts and do something! MARTIN LANDAU: Oh no! MY SHOES ARE UNTIED! UUNNNNNNTIIIIEEEEEEEEEED!!!!! GHARRRRRRRRRRR!!!! RRRROWWWWRRRRRR!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BARBARA BAIN: I see. > But Sony decided death was not required, instead allowing owners > to simply restart their pets with a fresh programme. I programmed my robotic dog to bite the guy who delivers the electronic mail. > "It is technically impossible to replace real animals with > robots," said Otsuki. "In a sense, it would be a profanity to God." And God has sensitive ears! > The dog comes with an array of sensors -- a colour > closed-circuit camera, heat sensors, infra-red range finder, touch > sensors, acceleration and speed sensors and a stereo microphone. > "The last 10 years of the 20th century were dominated by > personal computers and the Internet," said Sony vice president > Toshitada Doi, showing off the new pet, which stands 27 centimetres > (11 inches) tall. > "For the next 10 years until 2010, we are certain that robots > with independent movement will be the big thing," he added. And then for the next ten years, paper money that flies around the room constantly while biting people will be the one and only popular thing, and then for the next ten years it'll be inflatable water that boils at thirty-six degrees C and explodes at thirty-one degrees F, and during the next ten years the only thing anyone will be allowed to like will be individually wrapped pre-used diapers to save you the trouble. > Accepting most of its commands via a remote control, AIBO also > barks, talks and even sings in English or Japanese. It's hard to tell which, of course. > Owners can also train their dogs via a programme on a computer > screen. I showed my robotic dog some alt.religion.kibology articles and he said, "I wish I could die." But he couldn't, so I had the last laugh. > And future AIBO generations are being developed to respond to > their masters' verbal commands, and maybe even to play soccer, > according to Doi. Nothing is more fun than watching a $2,500 robotic dog playing soccer. Except maybe the idea that I could sell people robotic dogs for $2,500 even though this year's model can't even play soccer! IF IT CAN'T PLAY SOCCER THAN WHAT GOOD IS THIS ROBOTIC DOG? > For now, an AIBO owner can praise his dog by touching its head > for more than two seconds. One shove to the head is interpreted as > punishment and can immediately depress the artificial canine. And if you shove the dog for three seconds it means you're punishing him by praising him too much. > Expressions of joy or sorrow are helped by 18 joint motors in > the mouth, tail and head. That brings a smile to the joints in my mouth. > At the news conference demonstration, AIBO rose from a table > after being patted on the head. THE UNDEAD DOG FLEW AROUND THE ROOM!!! (Insert brief stock footage of Flaming Carrot chasing the flying dog-corpse as it ruins little Timmy's brithday party by sticking its icky paws in his birthday cake.) > It waved its front paw -- a greeting in AIBO language -- and > then stepped forward to catch a pink ball which the dog tracked with > a colour camera installed in its nose. Why couldn't they put the camera in its eyes? Because the smell organs are there, DUH-UH! > Sony says it will take orders from June 1 at the Internet > address http://www.world.sony.com/robot/ Okay, I'm going to go there now and mine it for funny sentences to point at: -> The pause button on AIBO's chest is used to stop AIBO in any emergencies, THANK YOU, GOOD MONSTER GAMERA! THAT TINY ROBOTIC DOG WOULD HAVE DESTROYED TOKYO IF YOU HADN'T PUSHED ITS PAUSE BUTTON! TRULY YOU ARE FRIEND TO ALL CHILDREN AND STOPPER OF ROBOT DOGS! -> This software is for creating and editing AIBO's operation data (motion -> data). With this, you are the master of AIBO's motions and can make -> original performances only your AIBO may know! Hundreds of Japanese men are at this very moment inventing perverse new forms of interactive erotic fiction beyond my capacity to imagine. -> Does AIBO bark? -> Yes, AIBO barks! But AIBO is multi-talented, and can sing little -> robotic melodies, as well as make lots of different kinds of -> sound effects. You'll have fun just listening to AIBO! Oh, joy, if there's one thing I like more than a melody, it's a robotic melody. You know, like DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE-DEE and DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA. And the only thing better than a robotic melody is a little robotic melody, like DEE-DEE-DEE or DA-DA-DA. And hey, it makes LOTS OF DIFFERENT KINDS of sound effects to. You'll wake up to your dog making fingernails-on-a-blackboard noises through its mouth- mounted stereo amplifier as it sits on your chest, and if that's not enough, you'll also enjoy the sound of your dog constantly making the sound of a crying baby on a Boeing 747 through its rectal speaker. Sound effects are fun! I won't even mention that Sony's site also includes a screen-saver depicting Aibo sky-diving, and the dreaded "Aibo Alert" sounds for your computer (WOW IT'S AMAZING THAT MY COMPUTER CAN SOUND JUST LIKE A ROBOT DOG!!!!) or the photo gallery, which includes such photos as "Fairly Tale" where Aibo is cavorting in a field of red poppies. Incidentally, Aibo looks just like the Imperial Walkers from "The Empire Strikes Back" only wearing sunglasses that make him look more evil. -- K. I will buy one when the price drops to $2.98. And when they add a Death Function. With a pushbutton for it. On the outside of the package. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mother killed, baby "serious" after attack by deadly bees Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 09:40:35 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In clari.living.animals, clari.world.oceania.australia, clari.news.crime.murders.misc, clari.living, clari.living.misc, clari.world.asia+oceania, clari.news.crime, and clari.news.crime.murders, AFP (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: > > Subject: Mother killed, baby "serious" after attack by deadly bees I'd hate to think what would have happened if they had been attacked by The Serious Bees! Also today's news of our evil animal friends: > Subject: Eagle deaths concern caregivers In a tragedy at a popular series of revival concerts featuring really old rock bands, The Eagles were attacked by The Byrds, The Monkees, and The Beatles. The Turtles couldn't be reached for comment because we didn't care enough to dial the phone. > Subject: Python not cause of death RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! IT'S SOMETHING OTHER THAN A PYTHON! -- K. Notice I didn't say it was "something completely different." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why you shouldn't be afraid of Hell. Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 09:54:29 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Mojo Jojo" (niwashi@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > > > All telephones should be in hexidecimal. > > I would rather have a binary phone, since two digits are far easier to > remember than twelve. However, the tradeoff is that in an emergency, I > would need to dial: 1110001111. If I wanted phone sex, I would need to > dial: 10001110111100000110001. Hmm, maybe a binary keypad *isn't* such > a good idea. You guys are just trying to get me to make my yearly rant about the joys of Base Negative Two and the Gray Code a little early this year, aren't you? Well, it won't work, because instead I'm going to post a much more recently-devised rant, from 1994. The following article was once selected (on a whim) as my favorite article of that era: \\\\\\\\\\ SLANTY THINGS MEAN A RERUN \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) \\ Subject: Our plan to SAVE THE WORLD! \\ Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology \\ Date: Sat, 18 Jun 1994 10:37:38 GMT \\ From now on, while you read alt.religion.kibology, our little semi-transparent logo--only about three inches across--will be constantly hovering in the lower-right corner of your screen. This is so that you don't forget which channel you're watching. After all, you *must* be a moron, because you're *watching TV*! Beginning next week, all broadcast stations, cable channels, and Usenet groups will adhere to this rule, and in two weeks these extensions to the basic concept will be added: 1.) Below the logo it will say "YOU'RE WATCHING TV." in case you forget what you're doing; 2.) A large digital clock will be superimposed in the center of the screen in the middle of an analog dial (so as not to discriminate against people who dislike the digital clock); 3.) All laugh tracks will be accompanied by a woman's voice saying emotionlessly, "YES, THAT WAS FUNNY, SOMEONE JUST TOLD A VERY FUNNY JOKE, NOW WE'RE ALL LAUGHING HERE IN TEE-VEE LAND." and 4.) All programs made before 1953 will be Moronized(TM). For instance, when "Casablanca" is shown on television, the ending will now feature a cream pie fight accompanied by wacky clown music. Rebroadcasts of Edward R. Murrow's classic "See It Now" will show him picking his nose. The famous Nixon/Kennedy debate will be a burping contest. "Married With Children", "Beavis and Butthead", and Mentos ads will be unaltered. Currently in the draft stage is a plan to make all printed matter as easy to understand as TV. For instance, Dostoyevsy's "The Idiot" will be rewritten by Bob Saget and retitled "DUH, LOOK AT ME, I'M STUUUPID!". Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" will be called "12TH NITE", and even the Bible will be rewritten: 1 In the beginning the Universe sucked. Then God did cool stuff to it. Everything was cool, and that was nice. In the future, all literature will be Moronized(TM) to make it more easily accessible to people who aren't rocket scientists like Albert Einstein. Even this very post will be retroactively rewritten by BIFF. Also, it will be officially declared that it is always midnight, so that bozos won't have to suffer the slings and arrows of admitting that they can't set the clock in their VCR. (How can people be capable of setting the clock in their watch, but not the clock in their VCR?) And also, other ways we will make the world more convenient for complete idiots include: 1.) Free lobotomies for anyone who has trouble understanding the new, more easily understandable television programming; 2.) Free cars with computerized steering controllers programmed with the location of every McDonalds in the world to automate 90% of all driving; 3.) TV sets will have simplified controls, eliminating many of the buttons, such as the one that turns the set off; 4.) Restaurants will be required to circle one item on the menu and label it "THIS IS REALLY GOOD AND EVERYTHING ELSE HERE TASTES LIKE DIRT" to save you the trouble of deciding; 5.) Your computer will be replaced with a Lite Brite(R). Lite Brite, makin' spreadsheets with li-i-ight! and 6.) We'll see simplified telephones. HAVE YOU EVER MADE A PHONE CALL WITHOUT NEEDING A BRAIN? Y O U W I L L ! Phase One will be to introduce a phone where any phone call can be made by pressing a single button, and no numbers will be needed: the phone will have six billion little buttons, one for everyone in the world, arranged geographically with little pictures of they people right on the buttons! Nothing could be simpler--except Phase Two! Phase Two will see a phone with only *one* button. To call 555-1212, you would simply push the button 5551212 times in rapid succession! But wait, we can simplify further! In Phase Three, phones would have no buttons at all! You'd simply pick up the handset, and all the phones in the world would ring, and then you'd just shout "EVERYONE EXCEPT MYRON BEABLE, PLEASE HANG UP NOW!" and they all would because if they didn't they'd go to jail. Of course, in this society for the stupid, even jail would be simplified. Convicts would simply be placed in a room that has a five-dollar bill on the floor. We'd simply wait for them to not take the money, and this would prove that they've been rehabilitated, and we could let them go! Currency would also be simplified. If you needed to give someone $67.98 for a tank of gas, you'd just pull a generic bill out of your wallet and fill in the blank that says, "THIS PIECE OF LEGAL TENDER IS WORTH $_____"! One bill, no fuss, no muss! Fuss would be frowned upon, and muss would be punishable by a fine. The fine would be a million billion trillion zillion dollars. Everyone would be able to afford it, it'd just take a long time to write out the number. It's just another example of how in this utopian world everything will be made illegal so that there will be no crimes! And all this improvement, this perfect society, will be brought about by the superimposition of tiny little transparent logos on the corner of your screen! THE WORLD IS YOUR FRIEND AND WE WANT TO MAKE IT EASIER TO HUG. IT'S OKAY TO BE STUPID--WE'LL LOVE YOU EVEN *MORE*! -- K. (transparently) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reason #387 Why Kibo Needs To Visit LA Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 10:17:00 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.religion.kibology and la.eats, Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > LA really is the most kibological city on earth. What? Did Las Vegas fall into the ocean? > From Jonathan Gold's column in the LA Weekly > > Pork pump > > Nobody outside L.A. may ever have heard of the stuff, but pork pump -- > basically 2 pounds of Chinese braised hog lard with a fist-size lump of > soft meat at the core -- is the quintessence of sweet, heavy Shanghainese > cooking, perfumed with garlic and star anise, flavored with rock sugar, > and approximately the molecular weight of plutonium. The term pork "pump" > supposedly originated as a typo on the original menu of Chinatown's Mon > Kee (pork rump was the intention, one guesses), but the dish, and the > name, soon spread to serious Chinese restaurants all over the San Gabriel > Valley. The definitive version, served on a bed of snow-pea leaves at the > splendid modern-style Shanghainese restaurant Lake Spring Cuisine in > Monterey Park, is as luscious as the finest foie gras, and though it feeds > 10 people, you may be tempted to polish it off by yourself. 219 E. Garvey > Ave., Monterey Park; (626) 280-3571. He's right, I've never heard of the stuff. Even NOW! I just hope scientists are working on splitting those plutonium molecules up into pluto atoms and ium atoms. It is interesting to find out that there is a restaurant somewhere which actually does use the uninteresting part of the pea plant. I had suspected there might be because Boston's 88 Super Market (the mid-size one, not the enormous Super 88 Super Market one) has always had a big bin of pea stems and leaves and tendrils. THEY'RE TENDRILICIOUS! But I've never before encountered any recipes involving them. I knew they had to exist, because a Chinese chef would never throw any piece of any sort of plant away. "Hey, don't throw out that perfectly good gall!" But just to make it hard for us foreigners, the Chinese markets always separate the plants into three pieces and put the leaves in one bin and the fruit in another bin and the roots in a third bin and put different signs on them in Chinese cursive written in ballpoint using names that have never been translated properly so that any Chinese-To-English dictionary will tell you that everything in the supermarket is "vegetable". (I wonder when they'll settle the "alimentary paste" vs. "imitation noodle" war.) Other interesting plant parts I've seen at the Super 88: * frozen bitter melon leaves * pickled grapes * 88-pound plastic hazwaste drums of pickled unspecified vegetable * very small Chinese Okra (only two feet long) * frozen durian juice * sixty-dollar jackfruits the size of Chinese Okra * jujubes (the actual fruit the candy tastes better than) * caltrops (the only vegetable that is also a defensive weapon -- I have no idea why water-chestnuts evolved that shape before there were barefoot people) * and the beguilingly-named "Q Toy" and, yes, galls, which are those brown ball-shaped things that grow on tree trunks when insects lay their larvae in the tree. Mmm, larvae in a crispy bark shell. This reminds me, I need to try the Gingko Gruel I bought at the Super 88 today. -- K. I am NOT buying the 88-pounder just to find out that it's got kimchi sealed inside. Also, it's around the corner from even heavier things, such as the 100-pound drums of MSG. How many people would that kill if I dumped it into the reservoir? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,la.eats From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Reason #387 Why Kibo Needs To Visit LA Date: Fri, 3 Mar 2000 10:34:14 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com [I have already posted one response to Ted's article, but it wasn't cross-posted to la.eats because it would frighten and confuse them.] In la.eats and alt.religion.kibology, Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > LA really is the most kibological city on earth. It isn't until I visit it. So let's see, we're currently up to about twelve parts of the country that Kibologists want me to visit so that I can annoy them in person. Los Angeles is definitely on the list, as are Seattle and Dallas and lots of other places. Of course, my travel habits are highly fickle, dependent on whims, where the Delta Web Fares specials are that week, and most importantly, what's on TV that weekend. (I'm staying home this weekend because "Baby Geniuses" is on HBO four times and I want to make sure they're all bad.) That's another reason to visit LA. To find the people who made "Baby Geniuses" and ask them if the movie was based on a true story. > From Jonathan Gold's column in the LA Weekly > > Pork pump > > Nobody outside L.A. may ever have heard of the stuff, but pork pump -- > basically 2 pounds of Chinese braised hog lard with a fist-size lump of > soft meat at the core -- [...] > supposedly originated as a typo on the original menu of Chinatown's Mon > Kee (pork rump was the intention, one guesses), I think the big question is whether "Mon Kee" also originated as a typo. Does LA still have the "Poo Ping" restaurant? Or was that somewhere else? In Boston's Chinatown there aren't any restaurant names I can make lame jokes about. (There's the Golden Palace, which has the same name as a sitcom spin-off nobody remembers. "Wok-In" is gone. Other than that, none of the restaurants here have funny names. Unless you count "Orientaste" as a restaurant, which I don't.) > but the dish, and the name, soon spread to serious Chinese restaurants (I wonder if Poo Ping is a serious restaurant or a silly restaurant.) > all over the San Gabriel Valley. The definitive version, served on a bed > of snow-pea leaves at the splendid modern-style Shanghainese restaurant > Lake Spring Cuisine in Monterey Park, is as luscious as the finest foie gras, > and though it feeds 10 people, you may be tempted to polish it off by > yourself. It sounds like something I'd enjoy a lot (I love sugared roast pork in all its incarnations) but I don't think I could eat a 10x portion. "I'd like the Pork Pump with a side of Stomach Pump, please." -- K. Anyway, to get back to the topic at hand, I promise everyone in Los Angeles that I'll visit someday. If you see someone standing on the Walk Of Fame yelling, "WHOA, I'M ACTUALLY STANDING ON MARTIN LANDAY!" that'll be me. Or Barbara Bain. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A question for Kibo Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 03:32:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Brad Sims (bmsims1@home.com) wrote: > > Oh Supreme Omnipotent Being, please answer my humble question > What is the fundamental unit of Bozosity? The "unit". -- K. The standard is overseen by a task force based in England, with the assistance of a guy who wears a long rainbow-colored scarf indoors and fights monsters that can't climb stairs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.knight-rider,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: David Hasselhoff Dies Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 03:39:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.tv.knight-rider, "richard clauser" (michknight@webtv.net) wrote: > > I heard a rumor that David Hasselhoff will die in the ending episode of > "Baywatch"! I guess that since he will not be doing "Baywatch" anymore, > that perhaps he can do "Knight Rider" again! Let's hope so! > > That's it for now, Terry So, when David Hasselhoff dies, will they also kill Mitch? Or will they have Mitch played by some other guy? -- K. I think Marjoe Gortner's available. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Attention people of NASA. Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 12:28:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Which is more implausible, reality or a made-up "Space: 1999" plot? YOU be the judge! [ ] Martin Landau spends days looking through the lunar nuclear waste dump in order to find Moonbase Alpha's life support system, which Barbara Bain accidentally threw out, but he can't find the large object anywhere. [ ] Boeing spends days looking through the local dump in order to find the International Space Station's oxygen tanks, which Boeing accidentally threw out, but they can't find the large objects anywhere. ANSWER: "Space: 1999" was made up. Boeing's stupidity is a true story. Even though they couldn't find the oxygen tanks (approximate retail value $750,000) under the mountain of disposable diapers, at least they noticed they were missing. It would have been so embarassing if they had put astronauts on the space station and they had all suffocated because they forgot the life-support system. So, NASA folks -- yes, you, Robert, and yes, you, Dean -- I call on you to use all your conspiratorial powers to see that the thing which used to be the Japanese Experiment Module isn't accidentally flushed down the toilet or anything, because I'm rather attached to the former JEM. (If they lose it, I'm going to sue NASA.) -- K. If Boeing wanted to get rid of the oxygen tanks, why didn't they just donate them to charity? I'm sure there's some boy in a plastic bubble who could use 'em. Hey, why doesn't NASA just skip all the expensive astronaut training and simply launch bubble boys into space? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mood drugs curl brain cells in rat study Date: Sat, 4 Mar 2000 12:44:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com United Press International alerted the world to this: > > PHILADELPHIA, March 1 (UPI) -- Extreme doses of popular > prescription diet and depression drugs made lab rats' brain cells shrivel > or curl into corkscrews. This is how curly fries were invented. "Hey, when I sprinkled harmless LSD on these toxic McDonalds fries, they became _kinky_!" Scientists have also devised a means to test whether people have this form of brain damage: If they're willing to pay extra for fries that are curly, they have brain damage. (And liking Tater Tots, well, that's a whole new dimension of dementia.) > While the researchers said the study raises questions about > long-term use of such medicines, a spokeswoman for the company that makes > Prozac, one of the drugs studied, said people would have to swallow > hundreds of pills to reach the kinds of doses given to rats in the > experiment. Also people would have to be rats. And it would have to be bad to have brain cells that look funny up close. (Can brain cells see each other?) > In the research, investigators from Philadelphia's Jefferson > Medical College over four days fed rats toxic amounts -- up to 100 times > the normal dose -- of the depression-fighting drugs Prozac and Zoloft, or > the obesity treatments Meridia and Redux. > Three of the drugs -- Prozac, Zoloft and Meridia -- are on the > market. Redux was removed from the market in 1997. > At the highest doses, nerve endings suddenly swelled and > started to curl, said lead author Madhu Kalia, a Jefferson professor of > biochemistry, molecular pharmacology, anesthesiology and neurosurgery. > Similar abnormalities were seen in studies with the street drug Ecstasy, > which has been shown to destroy brain cells. Several dozen pills were jammed into a hole in each rat's skull, and for some reason, they suffered brain damage! > The study is published in the March 6 issue of the journal > Brain Research. Laura Miller, a spokeswoman for Indianapolis-based Eli > Lilly & Co., makers of Prozac, said the doses given to the rats were too > high to be meaningful. Miller said it would be like a person taking 300 > capsules a day of Prozac. "That's an extraordinary high dosage," she > said. "But it's necessary in Andy Dick's case." > Prozac has been on market about 12 years. Miller said no > similar effects were seen in research leading up to the drug's approval. > The drugs belong to a class of medications called selective > serotonin reuptake inhibitors and they are designed to boost levels of > the mood lifting chemical serotonin. > Kalia said it is unknown whether therapeutic doses of the > drugs over the long-term can produce the same effects and what impact > these shape changes have on behavior. She plans other studies to answer > these questions. Like, will the rats become mad scientists if their brain cells become cubical? > Kalia said that even though the drugs have been rigorously > tested, doctors should still be cautious about their use. The changes in > the rat brains were subtle and similar effects would be difficult to pin > down in humans. > "You can't assume it won't have an effect on the structure of > the brain," she said. Never mind that. Does it make brain meat taste funny? -- K. When reached for comment, Andy Dick yelled, "I GOT CURLY FRIES IN MY HEAD!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A new dimension in human stupidity? Date: Sun, 5 Mar 2000 07:59:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For those of you who have ever done laundry at a coin-op laundry (variously referred to as a "laundromat", "laundramat", or "laundrymat") you know that the clothes dryers have big signs on them saying YOU WILL NOT GET GOOD RESULTS UNLESS YOU CLEAN THE LINT SCREEN FIRST. HEY, BOZO, REMOVE THE LAYER OF PUCE FELT FROM THIS THING OR YOUR CLOTHES WILL STAY DAMP FOREVER. SEE? HERE IS A PICTURE OF HOW TO DO IT IN CASE YOU ARE A CLUELESS COLLEGE FRESHMAN WHO NEVER WENT INTO MOM'S LAUNDRY ROOM. LOOK AT THIS RED ARROW! CLEAN THE LINT SCREEN, DAMMIT! And, of course, the clueless newbies still somehow manage to forget to clean the lint trap before doing their laundry. That's somewhat forgivable, because even illiterate people who can't read red arrows pointing at lint screens need to do their laundry once a year. However, today I encountered something which exposed me to a new dimension of human stupidity: Someone had pulled out the lint screen. (So far so good.) And then they had thrown the layer of puce felt into the trash can... along with the lint screen. That's right, someone thought that the purpose of a clothes dryer is that you have to throw part of it away every time you use it. I imagine this person's apartment (or dorm room) has a TV with all the knobs pulled off, a computer with three keys left on the keyboard, and I don't want to imagine the toilet. -- K. Why is the lint always a sort of mauve-ish puce, given that nobody has clothes that color? They just have red and blue and a lot of white, NOT PUCE! The lint should pick a color and stick with it! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A consumer product you never asked for. Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 07:30:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Today at the 7-Eleven I bought a bag of old maids. You know, as in factory-reject used popcorn. The scorched kernels that didn't pop when you tried to cook them and that need to be picked out so you don't shatter all your teeth. The things Orville Redenbacher spent his life trying to eradicate. They look the same before and after going through your dog. On Bizarro World, they pick the good popcorn out of the old maids. And now we have this fine product imported from Bizarro World: POP NOTS!(TM) Ready to Eat CRUNCHY Popcorn butter flavor You can tell it's a terribly hip product because the lettering on the package is in a distressed typewriter font. "Let's make it typographically crude, because that will make it cool! Kids hate typography!" I assume they plan to make other flavors of these available someday because it says "butter flavor". What other flavors of unpopped cooked popcorn would you folks enjoy? ("roasted motor oil"? "burnt pepperoni"?) If you doubt a product this bozotic exists, allow me to quote from the back of the little packet: -> Who doesn't dig through the popcorn just to get down to those -> crunchy, little, half-popped pieces at the bottom of the bucket? MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! -> You know, the ones that have so much more "real corn" flavor than -> regular popcorn. You know, the ones that taste exactly like burnt, rock-hard corn. -> We like them so much, we figured out a way to half-pop every piece -> and soften up the kernel so you can enjoy the great corn flavor -> you love in every bite of PopNots! "Hey, what are we going to do with this silo fully of stale popcorn kernels from 1994?" -> How do we do it? The question is not _how_, but _why_. -> Simple, first we kerpop(TM) the rascals(TM) and then we poppernot(TM) -> the diggers(TM) until they're just right. Enjoy! I can't, I'm barfulating(TM) from your stupoppidicious(TM) packaginglish(TM). -- K. P.S. The fake butter flavor wasn't bad, these tasted almost like real butter-flavored gravel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A consumer product you never asked for. Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 09:49:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today at the 7-Eleven I bought a bag of old maids. > > > > [...] > > POP NOTS!(TM) > > Ready to Eat CRUNCHY Popcorn > > butter flavor > They sell little cans of these at .. brace yourself .. TRADER JOES out > here. What? Surely you are mistaken because everyone knows that Trader Joe's makes all their own food out of pure natural ingredients right in the store and is not just some stupid extra-large 7-Eleven selling overpriced snack foods that you can buy in any other store from clerks whose heads aren't coated with aloe vera hair gel. > I've seen Cheddar Cheese (Run, Kibo! Ruuun!) and Spicy Cheese. > So apparently we get a choice of butter, fake cheese, or spicy fake > cheese. There are a couple other flavors, too. You can order up to 9999 cases over the Web at www.popnots.com. They are based on some little Texas alleyway named "Bee Caves Road". YIKES, BEE IN A BALLOON IN A CAVE! AND THE BALLOON'S HALF-POPPED! > Tom seems to like them, but I tossed a whole bunch in my mouth and > commenced chewing, and I couldn't stop chewing for about five minutes. I like the way that the hulls of popcorn kernels, when lodged between your gums and the roots of your teeth, feel exactly like cockroach wings. > And it's always at times like these that I can't find any Orbitz to > wash it down with. (Or hasten its return) The Museum of Science is still the only place in Boston I can find them, and I don't know why. It's not like Orbitz is disgusting or anything. Well, okay, Orbitz is disgusting. But that's not enough reason to not try to sell it! I mean, they sell Pop Nots. -- K. If you turn "POP NOTS" upside down you get "SLON dOd". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A consumer product you never asked for. Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 09:50:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Today at the 7-Eleven I bought a bag of old maids. > > > > [...] > > POP NOTS!(TM) > > Ready to Eat CRUNCHY Popcorn > > butter flavor > They sell little cans of these at .. brace yourself .. TRADER JOES out > here. What? Surely you are mistaken because everyone knows that Trader Joe's makes all their own food out of pure natural ingredients right in the store and is not just some stupid extra-large 7-Eleven selling overpriced snack foods that you can buy in any other store from clerks whose heads aren't coated with aloe vera hair gel. > I've seen Cheddar Cheese (Run, Kibo! Ruuun!) and Spicy Cheese. > So apparently we get a choice of butter, fake cheese, or spicy fake > cheese. There are a couple other flavors, too. You can order up to 9999 cases over the Web at www.popnots.com. They are based on some little Texas alleyway named "Bee Caves Road". YIKES, BEE IN A BALLOON IN A CAVE! AND THE BALLOON'S HALF-POPPED! > Tom seems to like them, but I tossed a whole bunch in my mouth and > commenced chewing, and I couldn't stop chewing for about five minutes. I like the way that the hulls of popcorn kernels, when lodged between your gums and the roots of your teeth, feel exactly like cockroach wings. > And it's always at times like these that I can't find any Orbitz to > wash it down with. (Or hasten its return) The Museum of Science is still the only place in Boston I can find them, and I don't know why. It's not like Orbitz is disgusting or anything. Well, okay, Orbitz is disgusting. But that's not enough reason to not try to sell it! I mean, they sell Pop Nots. -- K. If you turn "POP NOTS" upside down you get "SLON dOd". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: News Of The Repulsive, March 7, 2000 Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 09:11:47 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com l'AFP wrote: > > Subject: Six kilo foetus removed from male Chinese farmer > > BEIJING, March 6 (AFP) - A Chinese farmer lived for 28 years > with the foetus of his identical twin brother inside him, and it was > only discovered after he hurt his stomach at work, state media > reported Monday. "The good news is it's just a stomach ache. The bad news is that it's because... you're pregnant with a 28-year-old dead man inside you." > Surgeons removed a six kilogramme (13.2 pound) cyst containing > an ossified male foetus from the farmer identified only as He from > the northern province of Shaanxi, Xinhua news agency reported. And the fetus was identified only as It. > "The foetus' teeth, hair, skin and pubes are similar to that of > an adult but his anus and bellybutton are those of a foetus. His > genitalia is the size of a three-year-old kid," said surgeon Liu > Jianmin, who was far too interested, > in charge of the operation at Hanzhong medical school. > Liu said the foetus was the man's identical twin, and he > described the discovery as an "unprecedented medical phenomenon". > Experts at Xi'an University of Medical Science said the foetus > grew inside the man at first, but once it died the growth continued > to get bigger because it was fed by nutrition from the spleen artery. > He's family said he was born with a particularly large stomach. > The growth was discovered by ultrasound during tests after He > went to hospital after hurting his stomach working in the fields. Never mind that, what we really want to know is: Did the fetus resume growing after they removed it? > Subject: Boy Survives Having Heart Pierced OH THE KIDS THESE DAYS! -- K. Why doesn't l'AFP ever have a heartwarming, useful, serious story that ends with the phrase "...and by the way, none of these people has a dead fetus in his stomach!"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.fetish.diapers From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bad Movie With Diaper Gravy Date: Tue, 7 Mar 2000 12:03:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology After having seen four extraordinarily bad movies in one day ("Baby Geniuses", "Fearless Frank", "Wing Commander", and "At Long Last Love") I only have enough strength left to type up one review, so I'm going to talk about the very worst of the four. Please forgive me if these notes aren't the most linear, but I have so many bad memories of the movie in question that they're rushing to get out faster than I can type them. I won't even proofread this draft because thinking about this movie even a second longer than is necessary makes my brain want to cry. "Baby Geniuses" isn't just any bad movie. Roger Ebert named it the worst movie of 1999, but I would have to disagree -- it is the most painful-to-watch major release of at least the past ten years, if not the entire 20th century. (I've seen films that were more ineptly made, or contained less content, but none have made me squirm in my seat as much as "Baby Geniuses".) How bad is it? Seeing this film made me want to find a time machine so I could travel back in time and blow away all the writers, producers, and director with a machine gun. The last time a bad movie moved me to contemplate this violent act was "The Unborn II", a movie in which Robin Curtis travelled back in time to blow away some babies with a machine gun. (And she's supposed to be the one we're rooting for.) You may remember Robin Curtis as the "We couldn't get Kirstie Alley" woman from "Star Trek 3". And then you may remember Kim Cattrall as the "We couldn't get Robin Curtis" woman from "Star Trek 6". She is best known for her role as a mannequin in "Mannequin" and "Mannequin 2: On The Movie" and, after seeing her in "Baby Geniuses", let me just say she still is. "Baby Geniuses" also stars Peter MacNicol (as seen on "Ally McBeal"), Kathleen Turner (the voice of Roger Rabbit's wife), and Christopher Lloyd. Oh, and Dom DeLuise and Ruby Dee. It was directed by Bob Clark, whose best work was "Porky's" and "Porky's II". Do you _really_ want me to detail the plot? Okay, there's this company named "BabyCo" that is the leading manufacturer of plastic potty seats. It's run by evil people (Kathleen Turner and Christopher Lloyd) who have invested hundreds of millions of dollars in a gigantic underground lab where they take kidnapped babies to see if they can decode the secret language all babies use to communicate until they turn two years old and create a race of superintelligent babies. All babies can communicate in this secret language until exactly the age of two, at which point they "cross over" and become as dumb as normal people. We know this because the two mad scientists explain their own theory to each other over and over, and they watch it summarized on their computer screens, and they do everything except wave semaphore flags to keep reminding us dumb viewers that THIS MOVIE HAS TALKING BABIES IN IT!!! And, more to the point, their smartest talking baby is the identical twin of Peter MacNicol's and Kim Cattrall's baby, as Christopher Lloyd's computer explains to him and he explains to Kathleen Turner and she explains to the computer so we can get it through our thick heads that THERE ARE TWO IDENTICAL BABIES IN THIS MOVIE AND BY THE WAY. (A large neon sign which says "CAN YOU GUESS WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?" would have helped take the shock out of the surprising plot twist in which the babies get mixed up later. By the way, the two babies get mixed up later.) Note that both babies can speak the secret baby language and are smarter than any grownups in the film, but one of the babies is much smarter than the other. Or at least that's what they say, because none of the stuff they say is actually intelligent. I should add that all these babies appear to be about three years old and should _actually_ be able to talk, but never mind. Anyway, the super-smart baby escapes from the egg-shaped house that the mad scientists are keeping him in (on a surreal, nightmarish limbo set) and toddles out of there. He gets out of the mad scientists' lab by hiding in a laundry cart filled with dirty diapers. We know they're dirty because they've got yellow and brown splotches and the baby yells "DIAPER GRAVY!" Then he falls out of the laundry cart and lands on his head. Next, he toddles to the middle of the highway and sits in the middle of the highway a while so we can experience the delightful sensation of watching cars almost hitting a baby. Then, another baby walks past him, and he's poopy, so she yells "DIAPER GRAVY!" And then he comes face to face with a vicious Rottweiler, and guess what happens? Yes, the dog actually says "DIAPER GRAVY!" (via subtitle) and runs away. Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse (and trust me, the movie's just getting started) the kid is grabbed by a homeless pervert. It's fun for the whole family as the baby beats the crap out of the intoxicated molester! He pokes the guy in the eyes Three Stooges-style. (And, all the while, the kid is spouting catchphrases from other movies. In fact, the babies' super-smart chatter consists entirely of "DIAPER GRAVY!" and catchphrases from other movies which didn't make me want to murder the people who made them.) He hops into a baby girl's carriage and asks her to take off her clothes, leading to a conversation about sex that is supposed to be charming because it is infants talking dirty. He switches clothes with the girl and, because her dress doesn't quite fit him, says "Who designed this dress -- Moe, Larry, and Curly?" GET IT? IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE THREE STOOGES WERE NO GOOD AT DESIGNING UNISEX CLOTHES! Superbaby toddles over to the Macy's on 34th Street (we know it's Macy's because there are at least four loving closeups of the "MACY*S" sign above the entrance) and wanders around in the Mall of Manhattan. By sliding under a security grate as it closes (sliding babies make slide-whistle noises, because slide-whistle noises are funny) he goes into Baby Guess (product placement, ka-ching) and plays with some Sony video equipment (ka-ching) and a Sony PlayStation (ka-ching) and uses a Sony TV to watch "Jeopardy!" (ka-ching. Sony produces "Jeopardy" and Tri-Star movies, such as "Baby Geniuses".) Then, there's one of those bad-movie musical interludes where he tries on a whole bunch of wacky outfits in front of a mirror. Surely you've done that -- "Gee, I think today I'll dress like a cowboy for five seconds, and then an astronaut..." For some reason, Baby Guess has a baby-sized tuxedo, and he puts it on and yells "Smokin'!" and sings "Putting on the Ritz". Then, he puts on a baby-sized version of John Travolta's white bellbottoms (they sell those, right?) and disco-dances. Amazingly, whenever the toddler dances, his legs become three times longer than they are in the scenes in which the baby's head isn't electronically superimposed on a dancing midget. (I should add that these special effects are not very special, for instance, the lips of the talking babies never quite sync with the voices. This ain't a quality film like "Babe".) Eventually, the hero baby puts on some regular Baby Guess clothes and wanders around in the mall some more. Kim Cattrall and Peter MacNicol are there with their matching twin baby and his little sister, and guess what happens? HINT: THE TWO BABIES JUST HAPPEN TO BE DRESSED IDENTICALLY FOR NO REASON. After the two babies crawl past each other in super-slow-motion (all the important scenes in this movie are projected "on twos" to ensure you don't miss a thing) the bad guys stuff the non-genius baby into a duffle bag (!!!) and haul him back to the lab, while the super-genius baby goes home with Peter and Kim. Of course, being superintelligent, the first thing he does is to whack Dom DeLuise in the crotch with a pipe wrench for no reason. Then he has a long conversation with his twin's little sister about investment tips, which Peter MacNicol overhears because he's looking at the kid through his Sony camcorder's viewfinder, and as we all know, camcorder viewfinders automatically allow you to hear babytalk with your eyeball. And just how dumb is Peter's character? He never shows his wife the tape when he's trying to convince her that the baby's giving stock tips. Later, when the BabyCo goons kidnap the genius kid and the little girl is trying to tell Peter and Kim what happened, Peter doesn't think of grabbing the magic camcorder. The smart little girl baby doesn't think of grabbing the magic camcorder. The writers were just that dumb. (Also, it's established that the babies can do things like build laser guns, so why can't they just use a crayon to write a message?) Like I said, the BabyCo people come to kidnap the other twin baby once they realize they have the wrong one, so they send goons around to the house in a "P. Oopie Diaper Service" truck. I swear I am not making this up, they thought naming something "P. Oopie" was the zenith of clever word play. (And the sad fact is, "P. Oopie" isn't even as funny as "diaper gravy".) Superbaby confronts the first goon, and explains at length how he is about to whack the guy in the crotch with a ski, and then he whacks the guy in the crotch with a ski, rendering him unconscious. Then the other goon comes in, and Superbaby explains about the ski and the crotch again, and then he whacks the other guy in the crotch with the ski. Fortunately after two of these scenes the filmmakers realized they were being repetitious and went to a different scene before smashing more crotches. Meanwhile, all the other babies have escaped from BabyCo's surreal baby habitat, and are undergo ninja training. They wander into Peter and Kim's house, where Dom DeLuise is asleep. For no adequately defined reason, they hypnotize him while he's asleep to make him stick out his tongue and wiggle it. We see Dom DeLuise wiggling his tongue with his eyes closed, for far too many seconds, then a reaction shot of the babies laughing, and then we see the same extreme closeup of his tongue wiggling for many more seconds. The upshot of all this is that Peter and Kim's teenage son gets hypnotized too. Why haven't I mentioned him so far? Because he doesn't do anything in the movie, ever. In an early scene, he wanders through the room with pink spiked hair, because he's one of those tough punk kids (and/or gay). In the middle of the movie, he wanders through the room dressed as a Buddhist monk, chanting his mantra really loudly (apparently meditation doesn't work unless it annoys others.) In his third appearance, he happens to have a "STOP" sign tattooed on his forehead for no reason. But he gets hypnotized and Ruby Dee tells him to dress like a normal person. This scene appears to be the sole justification for having Dom DeLuise, Ruby Dee, or the teenager in the film. All the babies toddle over to the world's largest indoor amusement park, which is owned by BabyCo. Well, in actuality, these scenes were filmed in the Adventuredome, which is indeed the world's largest indoor amusement park, but it's not run by an evil corporation, just a Las Vegas gambling casino with clowns painted on the walls. (It's behind Circus Circus on the Las Vegas Strip. How the babies toddled all the way from the area of the 34th Street Macy's to Las Vegas is beyond me.) The twin babies and the others take over the amusement park, seizing control of the giant robot baby that is supposedly a fixture of the amusement park. (The giant robot baby is scary looking, and has a deep voice, because he's a _giant_ robot baby.) The tots make the robots beat up Christopher Lloyd and then he gets hurled from a roller coaster. Ha, ha, ha! Kathleen Turner grabs one of the twin babies (I don't care to try to figure out which) and takes off in one of those movie helicopters that has a convenient rope ladder hanging from it. Peter MacNicol grabs the ladder but she beats him up and knocks him off and he lands on his head. This enrages Kim Cattrall, so she grabs the rope ladder and pulls the helicopter down with her enormous weight! Then they adopt their baby's twin (the two have just turned two during that fight scene and so are no longer superintelligent) and resume a normal life. Oh, and their little sister doesn't talk to them any more because that would be against God's will, or something. BUT WAIT! IT'S NOT OVER YET! There are about ten minutes of highlights of the movie we just saw -- every dancing baby, every crotch shot, every fish-eye lens close-up of Christopher Lloyd's wart -- and then one of the twins looks into the camera and promises us a sequel! AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Thankfully, that's it. And I doubt they'll make a sequel. Because Hollywood is only dumb enough to make _one_ movie about superintelligent babies kicking grownups in the crotch while yelling "DIAPER GRAVY! DON'T HAVE A COW! DIAPER GRAVY! HASTA LA VISTA, BABY! DIAPER GRAVY! SMOKIN'! DIAPER GRAVY! TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES! DIAPER GRAVY!" I suspect that the inspiration for this movie was that someone saw that creepy little animated Dancing Baby that was all over the Web, and then was on "Ally McBeal" (with Peter MacNicol), and was in a Blockbuster commercial, and a Pizza Hut commercial, and showed up on at least two of my local newscasts. Then they thought, "Hey! People are obviously _never_ going to get tired of seeing the dancing baby! Let's make a movie out of this animated Web icon!" Just think, right now they're probably working on "The Hamster Dance: The Movie". (An alternative theory is that the people in Hollywood read my script for "The Special Show" concerning the people discussing the fact that the word "diaper" is inherently funny, but I sure hope not, because this would imply that I have been allowing people with no sense of irony to read my work.) To cap it all off, what's the most horrifying tidbit of information about "Baby Geniuses"? Do you know Jon Voight, the respected and talented actor who was in "Deliverance" and "Midnight Cowboy" and so on? Well, after his helicopter exploded in the Chunnel in "Mission: Impossible", he apparently suffered a head injury and decided to switch from acting to producing -- this well-known actor has produced one (and only one) movie so far: "Baby Geniuses". That's right, "Baby Genius" was overseen by the guy from "Deliverance". And then after "Baby Geniuses" I watched "Fearless Frank", a movie in which Jon Voight can fly. Normally I would have called that a bad movie, but it was pure bliss to sit through "Fearless Frank" after having seen Jon Voight's very worst movie. -- K. P.S. DIAPER GRAVY!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bad Movie With Diaper Gravy Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 08:03:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ben Lesnick (loaf@mail.utexas.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > After having seen four extraordinarily bad movies in one day > > ("Baby Geniuses", "Fearless Frank", "Wing Commander", and "At Long > > Last Love") I only have enough strength left to type up one > > review, so I'm going to talk about the very worst of the four > > [...] "Baby Geniuses". > > Hah! Kibo says Wing Commander was a better bad movie than Baby > Geniuses, sweet revenge for all (three) Wing Commander fans who > were embarassed that Baby Geniuses made more money. > > Well, not *sweet* revenge. But some form of revenge, at least. > > And now, something terrifying: according to the first Wing Commander > game, Bob Hope doesn't retire for another 154 years. I _hope_ you misspelled "Mark Hammill" or "John Rhys-Davies" or "Malcolm McDowell" or one of the other people who flies the cartoon spaceships around the Wing Commander universe (you know, the one where there's a quasar directly between Earth and Vega) and are not actually implying that not only does Bob Hope live until 2154, but also survives when the Kzinti^H^H^H^H^H^HKilrathi cut him open to steal the NAVCOM from inside his pacemaker. "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Aaaaahhh. 'Wing Commander'. The movie wherin we learn it's too dangerous > to rescue a hurt pilot from a damaged ship that has crashed on a platform > outside of the forcefield airlock. You see, the pilot is OUTSIDE. In space. > The pilot CANNOT BE RESCUED. But...this is the good part. A BULLDOZER CAN > GO OUTSIDE AND PUSH THE PILOT'S SHIP OFF THE PLATFORM AND INTO OBLIVION. > > No, we cannot rescue the pilot. But we can go outside and PUSH THE DAMN SHIP > OFF THE PLATFORM!!!!!!! Yeah, that scene was stupid because the bulldozer driving around in outer space had knurled rubber tires like for on dirt and rubber tires don't work in space because there's no friction outside the atmosphere. Also once the ship got pushed off the roof of the air-coated space station it shouldn't have falled down, because there is no down in space, it should have just fallen in a random direction like upways or zigzag. My vote for the greatest cardinal sin committed by "Wing Commander: The Movie": It broke Dramatic Rule #1: Our hero wears a large gold cross around his neck. In one of the first scenes he shows the audience that it is a switchblade cross with a super-K00L barbed blade that pops out of it at the touch of a button. For the rest of the movie, the cross is mentioned about every thirty seconds because of the strange subplot about everyone in the Universe being intolerant of this stupid made-up religion that only this one guy still believes in because all the other Jedi^H^H^H^HPilgrims were killed off centuries ago and only this one guy still believes in The Force^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HThe Force and he's wearing his late father's lightsaber^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hswitchblade crucifix. And... despite the fact that we are shown that this cross, this cross that we'll be looking at constantly, this cross has a switchblade cleverly hidden in it that only the audience knows about... IT'S NEVER USED! THE MOVIE WAS RUINED WHEN NOBODY GOT STABBED! There were plenty of other stupid things, too, like the little green beepy slow computer letters (OCR-A, designed in the 1960s) told us that Venus was a planet in Earth's solar system. But I really liked the way they could go walking around on top of the space aircraft carrier without spacesuits but they had to use a bulldozer to push wrecked ships over the side. If only space didn't have all that damn gravity! -- K. Rule of thumb: Movies based on video games are always bad. Rule of all the other fingers: Especially if you let the head programmer of the video game direct it. (I think this is a sign the studio didn't expect there to be a possibility of making "Wing Commander" worth seeing, as they let some guy direct it instead of calling in a pro like Anson Williams.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bad Movie With Diaper Gravy Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 07:45:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "llow (UDIL)" (llow@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] Hollywood is only dumb enough to make _one_ movie about > > superintelligent babies kicking grownups in the crotch while > > yelling "DIAPER GRAVY! DON'T HAVE A COW! DIAPER GRAVY! HASTA LA > > VISTA, BABY! DIAPER GRAVY! SMOKIN'! DIAPER GRAVY! TAKE OFF > > YOUR CLOTHES! DIAPER GRAVY!" > > AUUGH! Reading about it once was enough, my fervent imagination balks > at having to think it again in my followup on USENET GRAVY! > > AUGH!!! BAD MEME! Other gravies that make bad memes: EAR GRAVY! BRAIN GRAVY! AIR GRAVY! BOB HOPE GRAVY! YOU GRAVY! and most horrifying of all: POO-POO GRAVY!!! -- K. GRAVY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Actor John Colicos Dies at 71 Date: Wed, 8 Mar 2000 09:54:20 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Oh no -- I accidentally killed another celebrity just by using the power of the Internet! Waah! I've ruined at least one of the two "Battlestar Galactica" movies that would have undoubtedly been produced if this hadn't happened! > TORONTO (AP) -- John Colicos, who won critical acclaim as a > Shakespearean actor but was best known as the villain in the TV > science fiction series ``Battlestar Galactica,'' has died at the > age of 71. > Colicos died Monday in Toronto after a series of heart attacks. > Colicos, who was born in Toronto, also appeared in the soap > opera ``General Hospital.'' > At age 22, he became the youngest actor to play King Lear at > London's Old Vic. He joined Canada's Stratford Festival, where he > won critical acclaim playing the lead in the 1964 Stratford > production of ``King Lear.'' > He also earned strong reviews for his portrayal of Winston > Churchill in the London and New York productions of the play ``The > Soldiers.'' His first major screen success was in a supporting role > to Richard Burton in the 1970 film ``Anne of a Thousand Days.'' > Other major film credits included ``Raid On Rommel'' (1971), > ``Red Sky At Morning'' (1971), ``Doctors' Wives'' (1971), ``The > Wrath Of God'' (1972), ``Scorpio'' (1973), ``Breaking Point'' > (1976), ``Drum'' (1976) and ``The Postman Always Rings Twice'' > (1981), which starred Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange. > His best known TV role was as the treacherous Count Baltar in > ``Battlestar Galactica'' (1978-79) starring Lorne Greene. He also > played Mikkos Cassadine in ``General Hospital'' and was a guest > star on dozens of TV series. I like the fact that they mentioned "Battlestar Galactica" a few times but ommitted his appearances on that _other_ low-budget cancelled sci-fi show. \\\\\\\\\\ RERUNS OF THE LAST MENTIONS OF HIM ON A.R.K \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Speculation: Cast of SeaQuest 2047 Newsgroups: alt.tv.seaquest, alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 9 Jul 1997 09:35:07 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7748 centons, 83 microns, .01 hrothgars In alt.tv.seaquest, boyd@utah.uswest.net wrote: > > There is no Michael Ironside. SeaQuest will have a female captain. > > > SEAQUEST 2047 > > Starring > Stacy Haiduk > Rick Moranis > > > You fill in the rest of the actors yourselves. Richard Basehart, David Hedison, Al Hedison, Vincent Price, Truman Bradley, Susan Olsen (age 6), Jonathan Harris, Pee-wee Herman, Andy Rooney, Victor Mature, Nicole Kidman, David Rappaport, Ronald Reagan (age 5), Joe Piscopo, Benny Hill, Jane Leeves, John Colicos, Ralph Nader, William Shatner, his hair, Marc Singer, Jane Badler, Duncan Regehr, and the Freddy Krueger guy. I know, I've forgotten a lot of seaQuest-worthy actors, but surely you folks can fill in the other 95% of the list. Then after that we get to cast *my* new series, seaQuest 9999999999999999999! -- K. P.S. I get to be the voice of the magical talking dolphin. "Darwin want chocolate pudding like Bridger!" \\\\\\\\\\ DEATH RERUN \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stuff That Doesn't Explode On Contact Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians Date: Wed, 31 Mar 1999 13:15:03 GMT Chris Franks (chris_franks@hp.pants.com) wrote: > > David Pacheco wrote: > > > > "Have you ever noticed that elevators only go up or down? I mean, > > what's up with that?" > > The elevators inside the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas go sort of > diagonally sideways, in the same direction as the sides of the pyramid. A-*HEMNH*. Not only are you confusing the elevators with the escalators, but, as someone who has not only been in the Luxor but has seen every episode of "Battlestar Galactica", I think you should know that you are the bozo here, because the Luxor does not have any escalators. The Luxor has INCLINATORS, which are better than escalators because they go diagonally, not straight up. (When I was there one of the inclinators had a sign on it saying that this "AMUSEMENT RIDE" carried "ASSUMED RISK".) The Luxor's elevators go straight up, which is why most people don't ride them because when the doors open you're looking down at the outside of the pyramid, and that fifty-billion-watt light bulb is shining up into your face, which will either toast your skin to a Roy Schieder-like brown or at least make you look evil like Jon Colicos on "Battlestar Galactica", the show that inspired THE SECOND COOLEST CASINO ON THAT BLOCK IN LAS VEGAS!!! Also, the Internior of the Luxor is covered with Real Egyptian Hieroglyphs, complete with upside-down and backwards ASCII characters with slashes through them. You know, sort of like the International Phonetic Alphabet only silly-looking. And my favorite site in the Luxor was the genuine Egyptian-style spray-painted wall mural of Isis or Commander Adama or whoever, with a toilet plunger (marked "FLOOR 5") standing in front of it. Luxor contains a miniature New York City street, which is almost as cool as the giant miniature New York City across the street, with the roller-coaster going around the tenements. There's nothing realer than Las Vegas, except maybe if "New York New York" contained a miniature Las Vegas which contained a miniature miniature New York City inside both the miniature "New York New York" and the miniature Luxor so that we could recurse and bifurcate at the same time, not unlike trying to decide what ice-cream toppings you want in the afterlife. -- K. Me, I believe that there is an afterlife, but it's NOT infinite, it's only a season long. Then you get cancelled and replaced with reruns of "TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes". \\\\\\\\\\ DEATH RERUN \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ZOLTAN IS BACK! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1998 00:27:15 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes Zoltan (zoltan@well.com) wrote: > > Known as Lucifer 5 years ago is back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get ready, > lock up the women and children. Get lots of canned goods, cancel your > E-mail, and hide. > > We gonna have some fun Dag ]gren FYSI (dagren@news.abo.fi) wrote: > > Hey! I just realised he was know as "Lucifer" 5 years ago, not as > "Lucifer 5" years ago. Michael Driscoll (fenris@edgemail.com and/or fenris@ulfheim.local) wrote: > > LUCIFER 5: THERE IIISSS NOOOOOO SCCHHEEENEEECCTADYYYYYYY. > > > > BARBIE: WAAH! Somebody broke my Malibu Beach House! No, no, no, no, no, NO. You're confusing "Logan's Run: The Movie"* with "Battlestar Galactica 1980: The Movie 1980".** The scene, as I recall seeing it in the original theatrical version before George Lucas sued them because they showed Jabba The Hutt and they had to take the scene out, was: BALTAR: Lucifer... bring me the axe. LUCIFER 5: By your command. Centurion, the axe. CENTURION #1: By. Your. Command. Wakka. Wakka. Wakka. LUCIFER 5: Stop that! JABBA THE HUTT: Worgle garglox fruggle blard ungorb zob. (Subtitle: "I have a red pencilbox.") BALTAR (pointing to the edge of the screen): LOOK! LUCIFER 5: You mean Starbuck, not Luke. BALTAR: Why, you cantankerous cacophony of clattering cogs, LOOK OUT THE OFFSCREEN WINDOW! (Scratchy, worn stock footage of the Battlestar Galactica sailing across the screen from left to right.) LUCIFER: Oh dearie me, that darn Starbuck is steering the Galactica right towards us. CENTURION #1: He. Is. A. Very. Good. Warrior. CENTURION #2: That. Is. A. Very. Small. Consolation. We. Are. Going. To. Crash. BALTAR: We must repel them with a force of fifty billion repellons. Activate the repellzor beam! CENTURION #1: Repellzor. Beam. Activated. (Scratchy, worn foortage of the Battlestar Galactica sailing across the screen from right to left. The lettering on the hull of the ship says ACITCALAG RATSELTTAB.) JABBA THE HUTT: Orgle glarb zarblog ongflup. JAMES BOND: I believe what my associate is saying is that the Galactica is taking STOCK of the situation. JABBA THE HUTT: Ahr ahr ahr! JAMES BOND: Now, Baltar, why don't you take a giant leap for mankind? (He pushes Baltar out the window of the Cylon Base Star. Baltar falls thousands of feet towards the planet below. CAPTION: "TO BE CONTINUED.") (PART II) JAMES BOND: Now, Baltar, why don't you take a giant leap for mankind? (He pushes Baltar out the window of the Cylon Base Star. Baltar falls thousands of feet towards the planet below. Suddenly the film reverses and Baltar comes back in through the window.) JAMES BOND: Next time there won't be a bungee cord. (Lucifer 5 begins untying the large and obvious bungee cords that are strapped around Baltar.) BALTAR: Lucifer... destroy the Galactica. LUCIFER 5: By your command. Centurion, destroy the Galactica. CENTURION #1: By. Your. Command. Destroying. The. Galactica. (Scratchy, worn stock footage of the Battlestar Galactica sailing across the screen from left to right. Cut to stock footage of a barn exploding from a black and white Republic serial.) LUCIFER 5: My lord, the Galactica has been destroyed. BALTAR: Yes... FOR NOW. (DRAMATIC MUSIC STING. FREEZE FRAME. CAPTION: "TO BE CONTINUED.") -- K. * Based on the hit TV show. ** Actually two episodes of the original (1979) "Galactica" released to theaters in 1987. *** Before he was replaced by Leonard Nimoy during the Peter Graves episodes. ////////// THE DEADLIEST REPOST OF ALL //////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Star Wars: The Even More Very Special Edition II Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.starwars,alt.startrek.vs.starwars Date: Tue, 2 Sep 1997 06:53:57 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1015 centons, 79 microns, .04 nokia Okay, so my "Star Wars: The VERY Special Edition" got rave reviews with its low-tech, high-fun approach to harmless family fare. But now that that weenie Lucas is trying to top it by making more movies, it's time for STAR WARS: THE EVEN MORE V*E*R*Y SPECIAL EDITION II!!! >>>>> SEE the ALL-NEW cast, which George Lucas cannot possibly top: Luke Skywalker is now Marc Singer Princess Leia is now Barbara Bain Han Solo is now Richard Hatch* Truman Capote is now Darth Vader Obi-Wan Kenobi is now Jerry Lewis with Gharlane as R2-D2 and a Hajime Sorayama painting as C-3P0 >>>>> THRILL to the new SCENES! Marc Singer: "The power of this battle station cannot compare to the power of the giant crease down the middle of my hair!" Truman Capote: "That's not a moon, that's typing!" Barbara Bain: "I nearly feel a very mild disturbance in the Force, sort of... excuse me while I try to have a facial expression." Jerry Lewis: "May the force be with THE NIIIIICE LAAAAAAAADYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" >>>>> GAWK at the new SPECIAL EFFECTS! The Death Star explosion now has TWO orange circles drawn around it! The computer-generated spaceships now have Netscape windows around them so you can tell they're computer-generated for COOLNESS! Everyone rides the "Jurassic Park" dinosaurs all the time! Now Boba Fett, the coolest person who ever lived, is in EVERY scene! And he DIES IN GORY WAYS in ALL OF THEM!!! And so does BALTAR!!!! NOW how much would you PAY? But WAIT, there's MORE! And while you're watching the movie, the director will PERSONALLY appear in the theater to change the title from "Star Wars: The Even More VERY Special Edition II" to "Star Wars: A Newer Hope"! Everyone who comes to see "Star Wars: The Even More VERY Special Edition II" will be filmed for a cameo in my upcoming prequel, "Star Wars: The Even More VERY Special Prequel I"! And everyone will receive at least 20% of the profits from sale of their personal action figure to them! YOU CAN'T LOSE! BUY YOUR WAY INTO STAR WARS AND GET RICH SPENDING MONEY!!!! >>>>> SEE "STAR WARS: THE EVEN MORE VERY SPECIAL EDITION II" AND DIE HAPPY! -- K. Wearing his red, skull-shaped knee pads in his space cruiser * See, celebs, giving Kibo your autograph can get you work. \\\\\\\\\\ END OF RERUNS \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ So, anyway, sorry about that. I regret accidentally causing the death of John Colicos, because not only was he the best actor anywhere within ten centons of the Battlestar Galactica, but he was also the only Klingon ever to be smarter than Captain Kirk. -- K. Did I mention I have Richard Hatch's autograph, and Ed Begley Jr.'s E-mail .signature? Unfortunately, I don't know the name of the chimp that played the robot dog on "Battlestar Galactica", so I don't think I can mention the fake robot chimp to increase my chances of scoring another hit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Other things that scared you as a child Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 08:24:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...] a STRING OF ATARI ST BOMBS! I bet Matt was scared of the Atari 400's "DIVE! DIVE!" klaxon which it made (through the _keyboard_'s buzzer) at nine million decibels whenever it was reminding you that you had inserted a cassette before you typed "CSAVE" to save onto the cassette you had inserted. > Anyway, back on topic... I suppose it's unnecessary even to mention being > scared of clowns, but when I was four years old, I was specifically scared > of Hojo the Clown, the mascot of the Howard Johnson's kid's menu around > 1972. > > Hojo the Clown frightened me in a pivotal time of my life: we had come > from Cleveland to Washington, DC to look for a new house, because my dad > was being transferred to GE's Bethesda office, and I had just gotten a new > baby sister. I had to fly on an airplane, the first time since I was a > baby, and this would have been fun except that I had a raging ear > infection that made it an excruciatingly painful experience. I screamed > the whole way and annoyed everyone on the plane. My baby sister slept > blissfully through the flight. > > Then we stayed at a Howard Johnson's somewhere in Virginia, and I had to > eat yucky food that was unfamiliar to me, and Hojo the Clown was featured > prominently on the menu. > > Later on, sleeping in the hotel room, I had bizarre nightmares. I seemed > to have woken up (much as in the PLEASE STAND BY dream), but the leering > head of Hojo the Clown was hovering over me, blown up to about ten times > normal scale, glowing red and blue in the dark room, saying something or > other that I could not make out. Then there was a more baffling vignette: > Hojo the Clown reclined half-submerged in a body of water, and said "Hi! > I'm Hojo, the WATER CLOWN!" Hi! I'm Kibo, the FIRE CLOWN! I'm not sure who the Air and Earth Clowns are, but I suspect there are about six billion Earth Clowns. I think Air Clown is made by Glade. > I did not like that. > > I think this is the first time that I've ever described that dream in full > detail. Granted, it was not as freaky as the dream I had a few years > later, about the giant flying bar of soap with a scowling human face at > one end, which glided silently through a sunlit forest. This is because Matt's childhood nickname was "Dirty Frank". -- K. An' den da giant flyin' bar o' soap built da biggest hot dog machine in da woild an' pushed all da peoples in! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Other things that scared you as a child Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 09:12:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > When I was in 7th grade, I was kicked-out of the ``after-school computer > club'', which had 5 C64's, for typing too loudly. Which is to say I was > touch-typing, instead of two-fingering it like the ``advisor''. Your advisor was Archimedes Plutonium? > It was more fun to use the Vic20 at home anyway, once I got the > Super Expander. ...from Charles Atlas. -- K. My high school had Commodore Pet 2001s, with the grid of square keys with circular tops that still remain a shining example of bad industrial design. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Other things that scared you as a child Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 09:07:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Tamara" (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > When my older brother brother played "Whole Lotta Love" by Zep, I would hide > in the closet and cry. > > I think I'm over that. I think you'll be very scared again if you just find an old Zep album and play it in reverse, because ZEP BACKWARDS IS PEZ! > Oh yeah, and bees. Still the bees. G-D FREAKIN' BEES!!!!!!! Once when I was a kid I was lying down on the grass and there was a wasp under me and it bit me with its pointy butt. The end. -- K. I think there should be a deadly insect called a Yellow Straitjacket whose bite makes you temporarily insane just long enough to make you commit horrible acts that you're not responsible for. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Millionaire revisited Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 08:42:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > WHOOSH! KONTEXT-AWAY SWOOPS DOWN LIKE A CANNIBALISTIC SUPERMAN SPOTTING A TASTY FAT GUY! > [...] > > She didn't put out. That still makes me giggle, I don't know why. > > [...] VOOSH! KONTEXT-AWAY CURLS UP INTO A BALL AND SHRIVELS DOWN TO THE DOT AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS EXCLAMATION POINT BEFORE ROLLING TO ONE SIDE'. Dear Nick, That's the saddest autobiography I've ever read, and the second shortest. -- K. The shortest was William Shatner's, if you only count the parts he personally wrote without Ron Goulart. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Wood She or Woodn't She? Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 08:53:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > Tamara (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > > > I absolutely cannot stand the feel of raw wood. Varnish something and I'm > > OK with it but hand me a popsicle stick and I run away screaming. To me, > > it's like biting down on tinfoil. The only thing worse than raw wood is raw > > WET WOOD!!! I cannot use a wooden spoon, I definitely cannot ever WASH a > > wooden spoon, and popsicles (other than the very top part > stick with a serviette, of course>) are absolutely out of the question. > > Well, I have some issue with licking a popsicle down to the wood, but I > have no problem touching the wood itself. And if they ever made popsicles > with plastic sticks, I'd lose all my popsicle inhibitions. Wasn't that the premise of "The Gong Show Movie"? CHUCK BARRIS My show sucks, so now I'm going to kill myself. EVERYONE IN THE WORLD (dancing into view) We love you, Chuck! "The Gong Show" is the greatest TV show ever! You should kill the people who make other TV shows instead! And because we love you so much, here's our present for you! (NICK BENSEMA, wearing only a bikini top, sticks a Popsicle stick down his throat while playing a kazoo with his butt. CHUCK BARRIS is so turned on that he jams his hat into his mouth and moans. The camera zooms in and out on NICK.) EVERYONE IN THE WORLD Now we love you even more than we did a minute ago, Chuckie baby! PHIL HARTMANN Hey, Chuck, you spelled my name wrong in the credits. (NICK swallows both sticks of a Twin Pop simultaneously without it breaking in half and falling off the sticks. Everyone gasps in awe. CHUCK is showered with wads of cash that fall from the sky because GOD loves "The Gong Show".) FADE OUT. > But what I hate... or, rather, try to avoid as much as possible, is > frayed cardboard or paper. You know when you open a milk carton or a > cardboard box, the adhesive holds out and you get that rough fuzzy stuff > exposed? That really grides me, or at least it did. Maybe I'm more > desensitized now, or maybe they just make boxes better. > > Also, once I was writing, my pencil lead broke and for nearly half a second > I felt the wood scrape against the paper on the desk and it left my teeth > feeling weird for a good five minutes. > > How does one get over that kind of thing? Wait five minutes. Or have all your teeth removed. > Maybe it's a phobia, maybe not. Hope it is, though, because I hear > phobias are easy to cure if you know how. BOO!!!! Did I scare the phobias out of you? -- K. Or are phobias the mental illness that gets cured the second time you're hit on the head with a flowerpot? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Special Deal for Kibologists Only Date: Thu, 9 Mar 2000 09:18:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote: > > Patrick Snerf wrote: > > > > Hi, I'm going DOOR TO DOOR making this SPECTACULAR > > OFFER! My company, ABC Subsidiaries Incorporated, > > has recently authorized me to make you, the > > bonafide residential consumer, this unparalleled > > deal. Not one, not even two, but three, that's > > right, THREE for the price of one! Just sign here > > please, may I have your credit card number now? > > Aaaaaaaaaa! SALESMAN! You know, Glenn, if you hadn't said that, I would have had to, so I thank you for saving me the effort of typing "Aaaaaaaaaa! SALESMAN!" just to make sure that the world never forgets the powerful educational values of "Pee-wee's Playhouse". -- K. Like, always slam the door in people's faces, go around jumping into TV screens, and keep food in your fridge for so long that it starts talking. NOTICE I DIDN'T EVEN MENTION HIS LITTLE INCIDENT!