Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Free Glove For Nintendo Players Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 07:59:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com After the Attorney General of the state of New York sued Nintendo because the "Mario Party" cartride requires you to wiggle a little joystick with sharp edges really fast, Nintendo settled by agreeing to give everyone who bought the game one (1) free fingerless glove (or up to four per family.) I tried to think of something wacky to say about that but I can't think of anything wacky about people with one glove... ...BECAUSE CHILD MOLESTERS AREN'T FUNNY!!!! Also in the news of the home video game industry today, Sony is denying that it is going to have to recall PlayStation 2 memory cards. I think maybe some reporter got mixed up about Sony's digital camera battery recall that was announced last week. My two-hour camera battery could apparently explode and wipe out the entire Super 88 Super Market next time I try to snap a photo of a durian -- it's an NP-F550 model made in April 1999, and April 1999 was the defective month for 550s. (April is always a defective month in many ways, almost as bad as September.) So, now I'm mailing my battery back to Sony for a free replacement of an identical battery with 50% less explodingness. The cute part is that I called their 24-hour exploding-battery hotline and carefully spelled my address so they could mail me the special battery-proof paper envelope to mail it back in at their cost. The woman on the line carefully read back my address, "ST. A-L-P-H-O-N-S-U-S", to verify that my street was correctly spelled. I was amazed that for once someone had transcribed it correctly. The envelope arrived addressed to someone on "ST. ALBHOMSUS" street. So apparently after a Sony employee types in the name correctly, it's printed out, transcribed in copperplate cursive, traced over with a yellow crayon, faxed to the Moon and back via crystal radio, and then entered back into the computer to correct the lack of misspellings. (I get this from Web pages too -- I will type "ST. ALPHONSUS" into a form and their computer will send junk mail to "ST. ALFONSUF" and so forth.) I mean, it's not like "ST. ALPHONSUS" is a goofy name or anything. -- K. The funny part is that it's Saint Al's Street, meaning it's spelled "ST. ALPHONSUS ST.", which _really_ baffles stupid transcribers because never before in history have two things been abbreviated the same way (IE Ireland.) PS Playstation. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Millionaire revisited Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 08:25:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...something] SHRIVELS DOWN TO THE DOT AT THE BOTTOM > > OF THIS EXCLAMATION POINT BEFORE ROLLING TO ONE SIDE'. > > Vun! Vun sight gag! Ah ah ahhhh! > > Dave "I made up a smiley a day or two ago and I'm not proud" DeLaney At first I mis-read that as meaning you were made up as a smiley a day or two ago, and I envisioned you at a major sporting event with a hyphen painted on your bare chest standing between Mr. Colon and Mr. Right Parenthesis. But then half of Mr. Colon rolled away and also he had his eye on the seat next to him but you sat on it and he ran around screaming "OW, MY EYE, MY EYE!" which ruined the bowling tournament for everyone. Hey, ever notice that the animations in those computerized scoring machines in bowling alleys appear to have been done by the same techo-wizards who did "Tic Tac Dough"? -- K. You know, the Apple II block graphics that were _lower_ resolution than modern ASCII graphics? :):):) :) :) :) :) :) :):):) :):):) :) :) :) :) P.S. I have now gone almost ten years without using a smiley on Usenet. The ones above don't count because they're touching each other and that ruins them like when your gravy touches your peas when you're six. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A consumer product you never asked for. Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 09:46:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote: > > Today at the 7-Eleven I bought a bag of old maids. > > You know, as in factory-reject used popcorn. > > POP NOTS!(TM) Ready to Eat CRUNCHY Popcorn butter flavor Well, on a _completely_ unrelated note which I bet I'll be able to tie into this later, I was surfing for interesting patents today. This title caught my eye. -> US5667024: Method of Drilling utilizing bees wings Imagine how slow that would be. "Okay, now we wait for the bee to bumble into the little hole we started, then we cap it off and let the bee beat its little wings against the rock until it's dug all the way to where the oil or diamonds are." Unfortunately, it's not actually that silly. It turns out that bees' wings grow on corn cobs. -> SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION -> ÊÊÊÊA portion of corncobs known as bees wings to those in the granular -> processing industry are used extensively for consumption by animals. Bees -> wings are added selectively to drilling fluid which may be either -> water-based or oil-based. The bees wings are ground to a powder-like -> material and added to the drilling fluid in a quantity ranging from one -> pound to forty pounds per barrel of fluid used in drilling. Adverse -> chemical effects on the borehole are minimized and friction on the -> drillpipe also is reduced through the material and method of the present -> invention. The exact particle size and amount of material will be -> determined by the applicable well conditions including the type of -> subterranean formations being drilled. In other words, "We got a patent on throwing garbage into oil wells." -> [...] -> ÊÊÊÊCorncobs comprise four principle parts Goodness, wholesomeness, yellowness, and corniness are the four principles by which corn abides, according to the ancient ethical code of King Korn. -> that are arranged concentrically. The center portion is very light density -> pith core, that is surrounded by a woody ring, that in turn is surrounded -> by a coarse chaff portion, that in turn is covered by a fine chaff portion. -> The coarse and fine chaff portions form the sockets for anchoring the corn -> kernels to the corncob. The normal methods of grinding corncobs produce a -> mixture of all four parts enumerated above. It is possible, however, to -> separate the woody ring material from the remainder of the cob. The portion -> of the corncob remains after removal of the woody ring material is known -> as bees wings. I envision that as I am posting this information on the Internet where everyone can read it, the good people at Pop Nots(tm) are about to get an idea for another snack food they can sell made from unwanted corn by-products. Sorry. -- K. I bet they'll call it Pith In A Pouch(tm). ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Washington, D.C. Date: Fri, 10 Mar 2000 11:13:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I'll be slashing my way through the nation's capital this weekend armed only with a camera with a gigantic telephoto lens (five-hundred-some-millimeter) and some batteries that the manufacturer has told me could explode at any time. (Don't tell airport security.) This will be the third time I've been in D.C. for an afternoon. Any of you folks got any suggestions for what I should see and do and taste? I plan to see the parts of the National Air & Space Museum that are open, and to see if I can hop the velvet rope and sit in Abe Lincoln's rocking chair at Ford's Theater. And to yell real loud in the Capitol's semicircular whispering gallery. I won't be there early enough in the day to get in on the White House tour, and the other fun tours (such as the FBI or NSA) either aren't offered on Saturday afternoons or are too far out of town. I also probably won't have time to see the National Medical Museum up at Walter Reed Hospital because all the other museums close at 5:30 too. After 5:30 I may kill time in the evening by going to Tyson's Corner Mall; malls are lame but after dark there won't be much I can photograph outdoors and who knows, they might have stupid signs or weird D.C.-only candy or something. Anyway, suggestions for things to look at, photograph, and/or make fun of (in the downtown D.C. area or reachable by the creepy, dimly-lit subway) would be appreciated. Yes, I already have photos of orange cones in front of the White House and Capitol and D.C. Post Office (below the "Mayhem By Mail" sign on the postal museum.) I still need to find some cones in front of the IRS and FBI. -- K. I've got maps of the subway and both the Virginia and Maryland buses in case I get really lost. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Washington, D.C. Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 03:38:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I'm back. (Remember the days when you couldn't post to the Internet until after you got back from your trip? Now thanks to cell phones we have to actually go out of our way to _say_ "I'm back." because now you can't assume stuff as often as you'd like.) "Cumey" (brian@familylight.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'll be slashing my way through the nation's capital this weekend armed > > only with a camera with a gigantic telephoto lens (five-hundred-some- > > millimeter.) Any of you folks got any suggestions for what I should > > see and do and taste? > > > > I plan to see the parts of the National Air & Space Museum that are open, > > > If you see one thing this year..... > > > SKYLAB!! > Go inside Skylab! Take pictures of Skylab! > Please share your Skylab story with us! I really wanted to walk through the backup Skylab module and pretend I was an evil Cylon from the "Battlestar Galactica" episode "The Hand Of God" (in which we learn that Cylon Base Stars are really cramped on the inside and housed in the Air & Space Museum) but, as I implied, I could only see the parts that were open. "Space Race" aka Space Hall is closed. Skylab and the Apollo-Soyuz capsules and the rockets and so on are all draped with big plastic tarps like if Christo exploded. Also, "Apollo To The Moon" is closed so I couldn't see the thirty-year-old corned beef hash under glass, and "Looking At Earth" is closed, and all the parts with boring old planes were open. But they did have these things there: 1.) Matt McIrvin's old computer. 2.) An actual lunar lander that would have been (according to Matt) used for Apollo 10 if Apollo 10 had been an Earth-orbit test and hadn't gone all the way to the Moon, but they took a different lander to the moon because this one wasn't flimsy enough. 3.) John Glenn's actual space capsule, with a yellow "CAUTION WET FLOOR" sign in front of it because apparently he peed his spacesuit so much that it's overflowing. 4.) The actual Apollo 11 Command Module, with Michael Collins still inside. (Unfortunately, the Smithsonian hasn't cleaned all that burned gunk off the bottom to restore it.) 5.) A Russian nuclear missile made entirely out of wood, except for the fissile material, which isn't there because not even the Russians would be crazy enough to put a nuclear warhead on a dummy wooden missile they used for launch practice. 6.) A really bad cafeteria serving those hamburgers that come in the foil pouches with the hexagon grid on the inside, because hexagons keep hamburgers warm. 7.) An orange cone (just outside) with blue tap wrapped around the tip, positioned where I could get a photo of it in front of the Apollo 11 capsule (seen faintly through the glass), making it THE MOST IMPORTANT CONE IN SPACE HISTORY!!! 8.) Another orange cone that had steam coming out of the tip. Once I finish updating the orange cone stuff on my Web site regarding that contest I held last year, and put up the photos from my Vegas trip, I'll post my D.C. photos (from both trips I made this winter); Now I have _two_ sets of photos of cones in front of every important D.C. landmark. This includes the cone in front of the Supreme Court that was painted like a German flag, the cone that was spewing steam at me, and the special orange barrels that said "FBI" on them to ensure that you take the FBI's barrels even more seriously than regular orange barrels. (The FBI building also had cones guarding the building, but I was asked to leave the premises before I could even get my camera out of its holster. So I could only photograph cones that were visible from across the street, where Ford's Theater is.) Every time I'm in Washington, I'm amazed that every single landmark has orange cones adjacent to it. I've collected photos of cones in front of: * The Capitol * The White House * The Washington Monument * The Lincoln Monument * The Jefferson Monument * The FBI * The IRS * The Dep't of Justice * The Pentagon * Ford's Theater * The Supreme Court * The Library Of Congress (100% Don Saklad-free) Sorry, I forgot to walk over to the Watergate. The guy in front of the American Museum Of Natural History who plays a homemade drum set consisting of some buckets nailed to orange cones (!) was still there, and he was still accompanying himself on a whistle. (As in the kind a gym teacher wears. The kind that can produce exactly one noise, designed to be annoying and not musical.) His drumming was actually not bad (certainly a zillion times better than _mine_) but I can't fathom why he chose to add "TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET TWEET!!!" On that trip, I had my floppy disks X-rayed in three separate states (if you count D.C. as a state) because after airporting into Virginia I went over to the Capitol, where everyone has to get their stuff X-rayed as you go in because of that guy who shot some people. Unfortunately they closed just before I could get a photo of their tabletop model of D.C. showing two Washington Monuments. I did like the giant floating white donut ominously hovering over the rotunda, and the drape tassels with air jets positioned directly below them to make them dance around like Mr. Weatherbee's toupee. So, sufficie it to say, I went through lots of security checks all over D.C. (and had that run-in with the security personnel while attempting to photograph orange cones at the FBI building) but the tightest security I encountered was actually in Boston: On my way to the plane, I set off the metal detector (keys) and that always means they have to stop you and give you an extra random search to punish you for making them ask you to walk through a second time. So, they swabbed the handle of my tote bag to check for cocaine residue. (I'm clean, apparently.) -- K. Also, Comair has the lamest inflight magazine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,sci.math,sci.physics.particle,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: experiments to tell whether Universe is Euclidean or Riemannian Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 09:02:02 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In sci.physics.electromag, sci.math, and sci.physics.particle, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Today I woke up. WOW!!! ME TOO!!! I AM AS TALENTED AS THE KING OF SCIENCE, ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM, HE WHO SOMETIMES WAKES UP! > [...many lines of blather elided...] > > Now, what does this have to do with any science? Well, I wrote some > years ago that the Universe has forces. No-one argues that the Universe > has forces. And the Universe has geometry. > > [...much more blather elided...] > > But getting back to my two-pole-stakes with rope attached and the desire > to not > get any knots. Please keep this junk off alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics. Thank you. > [...yet more rich foamy blather...] Damn, I left it out, now I can't make sarcastic remarks about how BRILLLLLLIANT it was. -- K. BY THE WAY, IT WASN'T. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Earth's HOLLOW Center Is POPULATED ! Date: Tue, 14 Mar 2000 09:16:06 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.physics, alt.tv.x-files, and alt.alien, Robert McElwaine (rem1@visto.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > The Earth is HOLLOW! Its hollow shell is about 1500 > > miles thick at the equator, and about 500 miles thick near > > the polar ENTRANCE HOLES. The North Polar ENTRANCE HOLE is > > about 1400 miles in diameter and centered close to the > > Earth's axis of rotation, while the South Polar ENTRANCE HOLE > > is slightly smaller, perhaps 1300 miles in diameter, and > > somewhat off-center. The ENTRANCE HOLES are usually filled > > up with some kind of fog. At the geometric center of the > > Earth is a glowing ball of plasma, about 600 miles in > > diameter, which serves as the CENTRAL SUN that warms and > > illuminates the Earth's inner surface. The HOLLOW Earth's > > shell also includes numerous HUGE ELECTRO-LUMINATED INHABITED > > CAVERNS like the one described in Jules Verne's 1864 novel > > "Journey to the Center of the Earth". (See also the book > > "The Under-People", by Eric Norman, 1969.) These locations, > > including the Earth's inner surface, are home to 25 MILLION > > PEOPLE! > > > > [...] > > > > P.S.: PASS IT ON! And then John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) replied: > > Now to comment on something. > Thanks for posting this information. It takes a great deal of > courage to post something this truthful. > John Winston. Mr. Winston, I humbly bow and bask in your brilliance. I wish I had thought to say that, but I didn't. Compared to you I am as half an ameba is to a whole lion. To me you appear over 25 million times more luminous than the central sun of the Earth on which Mr. McElwaine lives. -- K. Executive summary of this article: "Waah, I'm jealous!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Venice, Bologna, Pisa ; AP's Sci Odyssey tour Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 10:18:55 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.edu and sci.physics, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...much baloney about quantum chromodynamics, disguised as a > list of foods he remembers eating...] > > Since I invented spaghetti back in ancient Syracuse. And so > whenever you eat the pasta dish, you call for a plate of > Archimedes. "Waiter, give me a plate of Archimedes-Marinara." > Or "Waitress, I want a Archimedes with mushroom and garlic > sauce." But... wouldn't that be confusing? DOCTOR Nurse, this patient needs an Archimedes! NURSE But, doctor, how will spaghetti help him? DOCTOR I mean the other kind of Archimedes. NURSE Oh. (The nurse uses a magic marker to draw a dotted line across the patient's front lobe. The doctor pulls a gleaming saw from a holster.) -- K. Is this where I'm supposed to repost Archie's famous discussion about eating his own poop? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 11MAR00 woodstove and security locks ; Prairie-Physics Home Companion; getting comfortable Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 10:39:30 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > opening music of female soprano: > > Born Free, dot com, As free as the wind blows, dot org > As Free as the THE MECHANICAL UNIVERSE shows, > Born Free to follow the physics. That's more painful to listen to than that movie where Cybill Shepherd sung that song that crushed Cole Porter's legs. Also, scientists still can't understand why your articles are accompanied by kazoo music everywhere on the Internet. Everyone knows the Internet can't transmit sound! So please tell me how you've gotten the wacky clown music to go everywhere that you go. > Well, last Saturday, 11Mar00, I was a pretty happy cowboy at my > homestead. I was going to say happy camper but realized that I have an > international audience and they would misinterpret such expressions. > Thinking that I was camping at my homestead. Yeah, and they don't have camping outside the United States, but they have cowboys and homesteads everywhere. Hey, now that you're playing cowboy, are you going to trade in your homemade cape for homemade chaps? If so, please remember that YOU MUST WEAR SOMETHING UNDER THE CHAPS. > But let me tell you why I was happy on Saturday. I was happy because I > finished a project of intalling my first woodstove at my homestead. And > I rigged it differently from my woodstove in my homestead of 1987. > Different because by accident I incorporated a water vapor gauge into > the stovepipe. Ah, so you were tying to incorporate the Plutonium Atom Foundation, but instead you accidentally incorporated a hygrometer, some galvanized pipe, and Abraham Lincoln's hat. (How _does_ one accidentally incorporate a water vapor gauge? Does Archie do his home renovations by throwing some tools and spare parts on the floor, locking the door, and than shaking his shack until they spontaneously assemble?) > I can measure how much water vapor the wood contains. NONE! Because wood is SOLID! > [...deedle dee dee about the other two wood stoves in his shack...] > > There is another project that someday in the future I should solve. It > is the problem of security. Generally security is one of the first > issues on my mind whenever I move into a new place. It is on the top of > my list of to-do, to insall new door locks and to increase the security > with something like double-dead-bolt locks. But here in South Dakota I > am sticking with the security already in place. Reason that I have not > changed much of the security system here is because I am looking for a > special kind of security system. I am looking for door locks that do not > require keys. I now prefer number code systems, such as what many > offices now have where they dial in a number code and the door opens. I > hate to carry around with me 10 or 50 different keys to locks. Yeah, keys are so inconvenient compared to passwords because you can't put them on your Web site so everyone on the Internet can memorize them for you. You know, like you did back in June, Mr. Brainy King Of Science Guy. > I am looking for a security system that I can program the numbers I want > and so my pocket carries only one key, the key to my Toyota, well, two > Toyota keys because I carry a spare in my wallet in case I lock the main > keys inside. Chances are slim that my wallet and keys are simultaneously > locked inside. Oh, yeah, you'd have to be really stupid to do that. That would be almost as bozotic as posting your password on your Web site. > So, I have been looking around in Sioux City for a double dead bolt type > of locking system where I can program a number and not have to carry > around more keys. The best I am able to do is to find these stainless > steel padlocks but not programmable numbers and a hasp. But the trouble > with a hasp system is that I cannot lock myself in, That worries us too. > and I run the danger of some prankster locking me inside. How many times did that happen to you in the elementary school's little boys' restroom? (And how many of those were within the last year?) > It is a shame that the security industry has the overwhelming majority > of locking devices with keys. YEAH THE SECURITY INDUSTRY SHOULD STOP BEING SO OBSESSED WITH SECURITY!!! > I would have thought that by 2000 the technology of security devices would > be moving away from keys. I hate it when my pocket is full of a 50 keys > on a holder. ...and from here I can see the words "Fisher-Price Teething Time" stamped onto the green and purple plastic keys. > It would be far nicer if one could get a padlock or double > dead bolt lock or other types of lock, all of which have no keys and are > opened via a combination number that is reprogrammable. These things > probably would not do for New York City living but for most of the rest > of the country, they are a nice alternative to keys. I hereby contribute One Imaginary Internet Dollar(tm) to The Fund To Find A Lock That Will Let Archie Lock Himself In His Room Forever. -- K. So, Arch, we know you invented spaghetti. But what I'd like to know is, who invented the meatballs? Alexander Abian, Don Saklad, or Napoleon? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Brain Cell Re-Activations For March, 2000. Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 11:05:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 20: All your brain cells are still functional. Please resume filling them up with thoughts about "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" and then start forgetting stuff in a few years. IF YOU ARE OVER 20: Hey! Remember Bananarama? IF YOU ARE OVER 25: Hey! Remember John Anderson? IF YOU ARE OVER 30: Hey! Remember Pet Rocks? IF YOU ARE OVER 35: Hey! Remember Rickie Tickie Stickies? IF YOU ARE OVER 40: Hey! Remember "My Mother, The Car"? I HAVE JUST SUCCEEDED IN PREVENTING ONE OF YOUR LEAST-FAVORITE BRAIN CELLS FROM DYING. YOU ARE WELCOME. -- K. P.S. "Where's The Beef?" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Brain Cell Re-Activations For March, 2000. Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 23:33:55 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Franks (chris_franks@agilent.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > IF YOU ARE OVER 40: > > > > Hey! Remember "My Mother, The Car"? > > If you are over 60, remember: > > "Pepsi-Cola hits the spot > 12 full ounces, > that's a lot > twice as much, > for a nickel, too > Pepsi-Cola is the drink for you!" I'm not over 60, so I don't remember that yet. Ask me again in thirty years when my brain suddenly develops knowledge of things that happened around the time we elected Eisenhower. "I WILL LIKE IKE!" > or > > "Jello again, this is Jack Benny talking..." Oh, as if anyone on alt.religion.kibology's ever heard of Jack Benny. -- K. I WISH TO DRAW A CIRCLE AROUND MY CALLBACK TO JACK BENNY'S ENEMAS. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Brain Cell Re-Activations For March, 2000. Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 23:31:41 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Hey! Remember Pet Rocks? > > Hey! Here's my Pet Rock Story! Since you asked! > My Mom got me a Pet Rock sometime around Our Nation's Bicentennial, but it > DIDN'T HAVE THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL IN IT, so I wrote to the Pet Rock > Company and complained, and they sent me the Instruction Manual. Let me > tell you, the Seventies were just as fabulous as you've been told! The End Big deal. I bought the first Pet Rock and it didn't have an Instruction Manual so I called them up and complained and then they _wrote_ the manual because they were tired of hearing me gripe about how I didn't know if the rock's magnetic field had been adjusted for use in the North or South Hemisphere and what it meant when there was hail falling on the rock. IF THERE IS HAIL ON YOUR ROCK, THEN IT IS HAILING. They re-cycled that joke in the instructions for the Pet Taxi. -- K. And while we're speaking of writing to people in the seventies, let me remind you that "Battlestar Galactica"'s Ed Begley Jr. answered my fan mail last month. Unlike Lorne Greene. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: the new improved Oxford English Dictionary hits the Internet Summary: This is a repost because my stupid newsreader let me spell "sco.libraries.talk" wrong without telling me, because it doesn't use the OED. Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 22:24:50 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp The revised OED has been posted on-line as of today. You can look at it (but not touch) for only $550 a year (that's $550.00, not $5.50) which is an amazingly low price when you consider it's much less than the cost of a car you would buy so you could drive to the library and look at an actual printed one that you were allowed to touch and rip pages out of and stuff. Just point your Web browser to http://www.oed.com and insert $550 into quarters. And if you allow anyone else to look at the screen over your shoulder you will be automatically billed for another $550 every year for the rest of your life. So, anyway, if someone with 550 spare dollars would tell me whether _this_ particular edition contains "Kibo" (as the London _Times_ claimed in 1997) I would appreciate it. (And I will not refund your $550. I need it to buy candy.) The March 10, 1997 _Times_ article officially granting me an eponym (although the _Times_ doesn't capitalize me correctly) can be found at http://www.the-times.co.uk/news/pages/tim/97/03/10/timnwsnws01004.html or on the next line of your screen right now: > Computer chips and the social potatoes > BY TIM JONES > > COMPUTER addicts are being recognised with a new status placing them > somewhere between motivated and muscular - but only in a dictionary. The > Oxford University Press is to define them in its next edition under the > name: mouse potatoes. > > The people who sit for hours surfing the global network rather than > enjoying a social life will be defined as being seen by many as "having a > twilight existence, cut off from reality". Some are also defined by an > addiction to "cybersex" on e-mail. > > The new Oxford English Dictionary will include scores of computer-speak > phrases which are edging their way into common usage. Internet users are > "netizens" and "cybernauts". There is also "kibo", the web slang for God. > > Helen McManners, an OUP spokeswoman, said: "Mouse potatoes are a new breed > joining yuppies, bimbos, toyboys and others who have earned a place in the > English language." YAY! I AM AS IMPORTANT AS ALL THE BIMBOS IN THE WORLD! From now on, the world shall be a Venn diagram zoned into "yuppies", "bimbos", "toyboys", "mouse potatoes", and me. I CALL DIBS ON THE BLUE CIRCLE THAT DOESN'T OVERLAP WITH ANY OF THE ICKY ONES! As an eponym, I shall live forever, just like Earl Sandwich and Otis Elevator. Also, they put that article in the "Britain" section of the paper, not under "Arts" or "Features", because it's clearly important national news. I should buy one of those British lordships (I hear they go for about the price of forty years of looking at the OED on your screen) and then I could be in the British news section of the _Times_ every single day for the rest of my life, or I could just decide to spend my money more wisely on candy, such as buying a carload of Necco hearts with my name printed on them. Here's what I said about the OED revisions later in 1997 -- complete with the original 95% filler material around the brief mention of the topic at hand, and several words that the dumb ol' OED hasn't learned yet: //////////// re-run /////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: RANT: NOT RANT-LIKE Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, rec.arts.sf.written, alt.books.carl-sagan, alt.books.george-orwell Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 06:21:46 GMT Today I was at the mall. THE END! No, wait, come back! I hit the wrong button again! Today I was at the mall. I looked at the bozos and weenies and people with withered heads hanging around Lechmere's 40% off bankruptcy sale for about three hours, and then I decided they were all double bozos and triple weenies. Then I looked at the $4 Mickey Mouse gloves in the mutant re-incarnation of Spencer Gifts as one of those stores that's only open one month of the year, then I tried to buy a headphone miniplug-to-bigplug adapter at Radio Shack, but they'd moved across the corridor into an identical space, and they didn't have it and wouldn't have even if they hadn't moved because Radio Shack does not sell components any more. And I picked up one of my PhotoCDs (the other two are apparently still at the lab) at Ritz Camera and discovered they had made prints from it despite the fact that I made the guy write "PHOTOCD ONLY, _NO_PRINTS_" on the work order, so he gave me the CD and told me to keep my claim ticket and when I come back next week to get the other two CDs to give him all three strips so that they'll fish out the other envelope with just the bill for the first PhotoCD after he calculates the price he should charge me, but I think I already lost that claim ticket a few times. Anyway, to make a long story short, THE END! No! No! Not the end! Come back here! To make a long story short, I remembered I needed the Oxford Dictionary Of New Words from which they removed "Yuppie" and added you-know-who, because I knew it was in store shelves because I saw someone leafing through it on a store shelf on CNN Headline News, which is to news what Reader's Digest is to erotica. So I went in and eventually found the "Reference" section. There weren't any dictionaries tucked away in that little quadrant (immediately behind "Gay, Bi, And Lesbian Interest") and then I discovered that there was a separate "Dictionaries & Thesauri" section. Surprisingly, they didn't have "(this means books of words)" after "Thesauruses". Anyway, they didn't have the Oxford Dictionary Of New Words, or any OED supplements, or the full OED, or the Compact OED. They just had some paperback with some title like "The Oxfred(TM) Brand Generic Desk Dictionary, NOW A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE" as well as a whole bunch of "Skippy Webster's Ununabridged Dict." But they did have "Catflexing", which I also saw advertised, I mean described in a serious news story (because there's only so much news you can pack into half an hour) on CNN Headline News. It's a book about how you can lose weight bench-pressing your cat. It has pictures showing you how to hold your cat over your head, and pick the cat up and put the cat down. It does not explain (a) if you're stupid enough to be unable to figure out how to use your cat as a barbell, how come you can read? and (b) have they tried this with any cats of the normal "I DON'T LIKE THIS, PUT ME DOWN AND THEN I'LL STOP RIPPING OFF YOUR SKIN!" sort or just those weird zombie- like ones that just droop when you swing them around your head in circles? On my way out of that crappy Waldenbooks, or B. Dalton (I forget which the mall has because they all have the identical plum-colored molded plastic signs which say "STEVE MARTINI!" and "DEAN KOONTZ!" and "V. C. ANDREWS!", except for the K-Mart in Schenectady which had a "SIC FICTION" section where I used to buy Harlan Ellison anthologies) I saw that they had a large "end-cap" display labelled something like "READING FOR THE MILLENNIUM". It had lots of retardo books on how Nostradamus predicted we'd have a nukular war with the Soviet Union by 1999, the year in which the 21st century starts, etc. Also "The Physics of Star Trek". The only non-retardo book on the rack was a single tattered copy of Carl Sagan's "The Demon-Haunted World", his book-length rant about how even morons should be kept from reading all the other books on the shelf. It was frayed, dog-eared, generally baseballized in an Eliot Rosewater sort of way, suggesting that countless thousands of people had picked it up, riffled through it, and immediately dropped it, disappointed that there were no cool pictures of the scary demons that this super-awesome horror novel was about. (They should've made it an Ace Double with the scarier "Broca's Brain".) They also had a big display in the front window of the book of "Robert Heinlein's Starship Troopers The Motion Picture", but I don't think they adapted the movie right because there's the big rant in the middle about how everyone should have sex with teenage girls all the time and speak Esperanto and foil all those evil capitalists who go around with top hats and big bags of cash by refusing to capitulate to your evil government which wants you to believe that two and two make five. So I gave up on buying books and instead went back to Lechmere for another few hours to watch all the idiots hanging around in Lechmere. I had a lot of fun looking at the huge pool of VHS movies that nobody wanted even at the Apocalypse Sale prices: stuff like "Ernest Goes To Camp", "Ernest Goes To Sports Camp", "Ernest Goes To Space Camp", "Ernest Goes To Fat Camp", and "Ernest Flexes His Cat". What is the point of all this essaying and hand-wringing? It's to show you folks what REAL SERIOUSNESS IS LIKE. And it's the last time you'll ever see real seriousness, because we can no longer say "Yuppie", because the word has been VAPORIZED BY BIG BROTHER! So stop complaining about those nameless people who listen to Miami Sound Machine in their BMWs and go back to reading your wacky Carl Sagan horror novels. -- K. THE END! No, really, I mean it! Go home! THE END! Waah, Mommy, my friends came over and they won't leave! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the new improved Oxford English Dictionary hits the Internet Date: Wed, 15 Mar 2000 22:41:32 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp In alt.religion.kibology and sco.libraries.talk, Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > sco.libraries.talk? > > In alt.religion.kibology and sco.libraries.talk, > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...stuff...] Okay, okay, I'll cancel it and fix the spelling of "soc.libraries.talk". You librarians sure are fussy about the spelling in my article on dictionaries. (I swear I spell-checked the whole thing, except that the headers don't count for spell-checking purposes, and apparently my newsreader allows me to post to imaginary newsgroups without warning me.) By the way, the OED that just went on-line is the old Second Edition, published in 1989, so of course it doesn't have "Kibo". The revision the London _Times_ was talking about must be the forthcoming Third Edition, which won't be out until we're all too old to enjoy it. The OED hasn't yet caught on that they could make more money by doing "continuous revision", Britannica-style, where they could just print out their working database every year and force all the libraries in the world to shell out thousands of dollars once a year instead of every twenty years. Also I would think that if they're bragging about how they're keeping it up to date by adding words like "yuppies" they'd want the edition to appear before the word is thirty years passe'. OED's policy of including every word that anyone ever heard that anyone might have ever said also bothers me. You can even send in new words on-line, which will cause them no end of problems when every folk etymology in the universe becomes legitimate. And then you'll have to start spelling "posh" as "P.O.S.H." because it's an acronym like "S.C.U.B.A." and "L.A.S.E.R." I think they're just trying to get as many submissions as possible to pad out their dictionary to make people think it's more official than the dictionary in Microsoft Bookshelf, or something. But the thing is already heavy enough that it caused that library somewhere to start sinking because the architects designed it for books less massive than the OED. In fact, they've already got a whole volume devoted to words from "Battlestar Galactica". -- K. Don't you hate it when they add your name to a dictionary that you can't afford? They probably printed my picture really small, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the new improved Oxford English Dictionary hits the Internet Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 03:08:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Kibo (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I had a lot of fun looking at the huge pool of VHS movies that nobody > > wanted even at the Apocalypse Sale prices: stuff like "Ernest Goes To > > Camp", "Ernest Goes To Sports Camp", "Ernest Goes To Space Camp", > > "Ernest Goes To Fat Camp", and "Ernest Flexes His Cat". > > Dear Kibo, > > Stop killing Jim Varney. Sorry! I feel plenty bad about it too. Now I will never get to realize me dream of directing a movie starring Jim Varney, Harland Williams, and Randy Quaid as the evil triplets who get beaten up by Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, and George Clooney in "The Batman Squad". WITH NO ROBIN! But now that Jim Varney is dead I'll just have to replace him with Jim Carrey, rats. -- K. I forgot to work Len Cella into this. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the new improved Oxford English Dictionary hits the Internet Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 04:36:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com About an hour ago, I wrote: > > [...stuff about Jim Varney...] And then right after that the episode of "The Simpsons" with Jim Varney as an evil carny appeared on my TV unbidden. THIS MUST MEAN SOMETHING. -- K. I figured that _something_ he did would have to mean something before the end of time, assuming time goes on forever. The question was just whether he would do something meaningful before Tennessee Ernie Ford. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the new improved Oxford English Dictionary hits the Internet Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 02:12:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The revised OED has been posted on-line as of today. [...] > > Just point your Web browser to http://www.oed.com and > > insert $550 into quarters. > > I hear this is actually how they make the new Gold Pieces. Cram a > dollar bill into a quarter. Wait, then why aren't they worth $1.25?? Sorry, I typed "into" instead of "in" because I've been conditioned by TV that "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is "Based _Upon_ 'Star Trek' Created By Gene Roddenberry" and not "Based On ..." So now I say "upon" instead of "on" and "into" instead of "in" and "toga" instead of "to". Now that the U.S. Mint is releasing a Golden Dollar ("golden" in the same sense as "golden mustard") and people have started calling them "Gold Pieces", I figure that around the time they release the "Dungeons & Dragons" movie, the nerds of the world will start demanding that the mint produce Electrum Pieces that are worth exactly 10 Gold Pieces or 100 Silver Pieces or 1000 Copper Pieces but they all have to weigh exactly the same so they can compute encumbrance before making their saving throw on the twenty-sided die to see if they take 2d6 hit points damage from being punched by the people who don't like listening to that. -- K. DID I MENTION THAT I HAVE A PREMONITION THAT "DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: THE MOVIE" MIGHT NOT BE AS GOOD AS "CITIZEN KANE"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the new improved Oxford English Dictionary hits the Internet Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 00:33:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Glenn Dowdy (glenn_dowdy@agilent.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Now that the U.S. Mint is releasing a Golden Dollar ("golden" in the > > s ame sense as "golden mustard") and people have started calling them > > "Gold Pieces", I figure that around the time they release the > > "Dungeons & Dragons" movie, the nerds of the world will start [...] > > [...] [...] being punched by the people who don't like listening to that. > > d00d, why are you knocking role-playing gamers when you are in a > role-playing game, to whit, Shadowrun (tm) 3rd edition, "In Kibo We Trust" > indeed, you sellout. "sell" would imply that someone tried to pay me. -- K. Also, it happened while I was asleep. P.S. My appearance in a different role-playing game _was_ duly authorized, however, and I was paid in the form of role-playing games. Unfortunately, role-playing games require more nerdy friends than I have. Waah! I wish I knew more nerds! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: the new improved Oxford English Dictionary hits the Internet Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 04:39:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > [on the tradition of "this is barely worth bothering to ask for > authorization for" mentions of Kibo in various role-playing games] > > Really? I thought he was just in that one Mage: The Pretension > game book on the computer guys which I ONLY READ BECAUSE SOMEONE > TOLD ME ABOUT IT AND I WAS RIGHT BY THE COMIC BOOK AND ROLEPLAYING > GAME STORE BECAUSE IT'S NEXT DOOR TO THE GYM WHERE MY GIRLFRIEND > TAUGHT AEROBICS AND MODELED UNDERWEAR. I sense a cheap imitation "Porky's"/"Revenge Of The Nerds" crossover movie on the horizon, where the nerds in the "Modems & Magic" role-playing game store drill a hole in the wall that separates the twelve-sided dice bins from the showers at the Institute For Research Into How To Get Sexy Women To Date Nerds. With Joe Don Baker as the crusty, square dean, and Martin Landau as the no-fun-at-all President Of The World, and a cameo by Cheech or Chong but not both because this movie won't be as good as a "Cheech & Chong" movie. Anyhow, until today the "Mage" mention (I recall it was in a supplement called "The Net") was the only one I knew about because White Wolf Games were kind enough to ask me for permission and to send me a copy, which is why White Wolf is the only brand of games that has ever been cool, especially in comparison to TSR. I mean, Gary Gygax named his whole company after someone _else's_ initials! Who was TSR anyway? -- K. Was he Teddy S. Roosevelt? "Let's see if I have the strength to lift this +2 Big Stick... I rolled 18/00! Bully!" P.S. Also, if Gary Gygax had been named Gary Smith, he would have had to go into a non-Satanic profession. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I still can't understand kosher food. Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 01:42:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I bought kishka ("a kishka" or "kishka"?) today, in convenient chub form, along with various other kosher groceries at my favorite kosher store, The Butcherie in Brookline. (Hey, I may be one of the goyim, but I like a good hot dog.) I picked up some vegetarian liver (it's actually roasted eggplant and thus tastes really _good_) and other various interesting meat and non-meat products. Plus now I get to say "kosher kishka" a few times because "kosher kishka" is so much fun to say. KOSHERKISHKAKOSHERKISHKAKOSHERKISHKA!!!!! But what I don't understand is the cheeseless pizza. Now, I don't eat cheese (ever) so I understand the _concept_ of the cheeseless pizza. But I can't figure out why it is where it is in the store. I know that they have to divide the store into fleisch and milch sections so that the cow parts won't touch the cow juice, because you have to have different plates for meat and milk and if you were allowed to mix them the whole plate industry would see its revenues cut in half. But how do they decide which vegetarian items go into each of the two categories? Vegetarian liver is in the meat case, apparently because it pretends it _is_ liver. That makes sense to me. But, cheeseless (and meatless) pizza is in the middle of the _cheese_ section. I would think that it would naturally be positioned as far away from the cheese blintzes as possible, especially if they want me to ever find it while I'm avoiding evil cheese. I guess the rationale is that vege-liver _isn't_ liver, and cheeseless pizza _isn't_ cheese, and so things are logically defined by what they aren't. But I tend to think of it as vege-liver being as close to liver as possible, while no-cheese pizza is not fake cheese but the _opposite_ of cheese. Personally, I would just open up a third deli case for the things that aren't meat and aren't dairy. And a fourth for the Pez. (The Butcherie sells Pez because they're kosher and are thus good for you. But I don't think they belong in the same category as animal or vegetable matter.) -- K. Also, how come some vegetable products are labelled "glatt kosher"? Do green peppers have lungs I don't know about? P.S. Regarding the lobster, in my opinion the chosen people aren't missing much... It's nowhere near as good as pork. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The sleazy world of jerks who aren't blind Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 02:05:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A United Press article: > PROVIDENCE, R.I., March 15 (UPI) -- A blind vendor at the > snack bar at Providence, R.I., State Traffic Court has helped police > arrest a woman who was passing off $1 bills as $20s. > Richard Fracasso, 67, sees only light and dark, having lost > his sight more than 20 years ago to a degenerative disease. > Fracasso, however, makes up for his disability with an acute > sense of hearing and he never forgets a voice. Okay, so carrots improve your eyesight because no rabbits wear glasses, and elephants never forget, and blind people never forget a voice, therefore, RABBITS ARE THE OPPOSITE OF ELEPHANTS! Please pardon my digression, but I am required to say something illogical after every third paragraph. > When a friend told him that the bills in his cash drawer were mixed up, > Fracasso became suspicious. > An orderly man, he keeps his bills in separate slots and > relies on customers to tell him the amount of change they expect. > He can recognize coins by feeling them. > Fracasso remembered the voice of the woman who had repeatedly > said she was giving him a $20 bill. He awaited her return and when she > asked for a bottle of apple juice, and sought change for $20, Fracasso > slipped the bill into an electronic scanner he keeps for emergencies. The > machine verified his suspicion. It was a $1 bill, not $20. I think the most successful swindle for the evil people in the world to pull would be to switch the blind guy's scanner for one that says aloud, "THIS IS A TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR BILL, PLEASE GIVE THE NICE WOMAN NINE THOUSAND NINE HUNDRED NINETY NINE DOLLARS CHANGE. ALSO HERE IS AN ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF HER TO TELL THE POLICE LATER: SHE IS NINE FEET TALL, WEIGHS FIFTEEN POUNDS, AND HAS NEVER BEEN ON THIS COAST." > The vendor told the Boston Herald Wednesday, "I was angry > because she was trying to take advantage of my blindness." > Fracasso called security and the police arrested the woman. > Pamela Bingham, 33, was charged with misdemeanor obtaining > money under false pretenses. She was fired from her job as court clerk, > which she had begun only two months ago. Yay! I'm impressed that there are still occupations that you can't hold if you're a creep. (Now she'll have to get a job selling people the New York Times over the phone.) In other news today, a company decided to fill a void with a worthy product: a point-of-sale terminal (you know, those little keypads you swipe your credit card through at the supermarket) that can be used by the blind. It talks and has large, easy-to-find buttons. And the feature that will make the blind folks the happiest: It's that got the same rounded translucent blue-green algae stylings as the (old) iMac. Now blind people will never have to put up with insensitive jerks saying "Ha ha, I can see what this looks like and you can't!" Instead, the blind folks will just hear other people saying "Eww! Gross!" -- K. It's nice to see a company thinking about making its products usable by _everyone_ for once. Unfortunately, their description of the product on their Web site uses lots of small text in funny colors with a fancy layout inside frames with Java applets that scroll animated text. I hate to think how it's going to come out on a Braille terminal. (The scrolling marquee text would rub your fingers raw...) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological dream Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 03:47:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > Had a weird dream last night. I dreamed I met Kibo and a few other people from > ARK (don't remember who, but all guys) in a supermarket. Kibo and the other > ARKies were trying to buy weird food. Don't remember why. All I remember is > that Kibo talks really fast, like the way he writes. Hrm. Holy cow, you may have had the first _accurate_ alt.religion.kibology-related dream on record. Unless you count the one I had where I turned into Harlan Ellison. -- K. How did the supermarket smell? That'll tell you whether it was Ming's or the Super 88, which only smells five years old because it just opened last summer. Ming's, on the other hand, smells with different degrees of smellitude depending on temperature, and Mei Tung just smells like the inside of a sphere of dog doo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gold Pieces. THEY'RE NOT 20$/POUND Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 03:56:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > I've never seen a Kennedy half-dollar. I imagine it to be like the > two-dollar bill in that it is legal tender everywhere except faux- > Mexican fast food restaurants. TRUE!!! STORY!!! BELOW!!! Yesterday I was buying frozen fish sticks on my way home from work and they gave me a Kennedy half-dollar. NYAH! It was made in 1973. From study of this coin those in your generation should be able to deduce that Kennedy must have been shot before 1973, and that because he was killed it is now in extremely poor taste to own anything with his picture on it, so nobody uses fifty-cent coins, and this is why there is nothing to fill the void between the 25c gum machines and the one-dollar stores. -- K. Commerce would be so much easier if they made a 99c coin, or at least a negative-one-cent coin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Gold Pieces. THEY'RE NOT 20$/POUND Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 04:53:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > I've never seen a Kennedy half-dollar. > > Go to Las Vegas. > > Go to the Strip. > > Go to the South End, where Joe Bay's Uncle Mandalay lives. Eww! I'd never gamble at Mandalay Bay because it's all tinted yellow so that when you look in through the window you think "Yuk, the Simpsons got trapped in an Andre Serrano sculpture." Also they have that monorail that has two rails instead of one, and it goes to the Luxor and Excalibur but it's nowhere near as interesting as the Luxor and Excalibur because its theme is "OUR BUILDING IS FEATURELESS AND YELLOW" and opposed to "WE LIKE BATTLESTAR GALACTICA AND THERE ARE NAKED CHICKS PAINTED SILVER INSIDE" or "WE ARE AN AUTHENTIC MEDIEVAL CASTLE WITH A PRO-WRESTLING-THEMED RESTAURANT WITH SALAD BAR." And besides, they're about as far as you can go from that place with the blinking neon yucca plant (The Yucca Motel) as you can go in Vegas. The glowing yucca is the coolest thing there. Even cooler than if the dragon in the Excalibur's moat were real and not just a stupid motorized statue that doesn't even kill anyone. > Go to the casino. > > Go to the blackjack tables. > > Announce in a very loud voice, "I Would Like To Play A Game Of Blackjack, > Mister Blackjack Dealer Person!" > > Give the dealer a wadded-up five-dollar bill that you carefully unfold. > The dealer will give you a red chip. What kinds of dipping sauce do they have? If they don't have Honey Barbecue Chinese Ranch then I don't like them. > Tell the dealer you would like to bet the red chip. The dealer will > explain where to put it on the table. "On the TOP side of the table, you bozo!" > The dealer will then deal some cards. > > When the dealer is done dealing cards, ask if you got a blackjack. I think most of the security guards carry blackjacks. > If the dealer says yes, then he will give you $7.50. The $.50 will be > a Kennedy half-dollar. > > If the dealer says no, then run around screaming and waving your arms, > "I surrender! I surrender!" > > The dealer will ask if you're sure you want to surrender. Run around > and scream and wave your arms, "I surrender! I surrender!" > > The dealer will take your red chip and give you back $2.50. The $.50 > will be a Kennedy half-dollar. > > Ask if you can get comped for gambling so much. Doesn't that involve being rubbed with a Lectro-Stik hot wax roller and stuck to a piece of cardboard with invisible blue lines all over it? -- K. I always demand to be comped right after I lose my free pull on the $1,000,000 slot machine. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I Was Away, But Now I'm Home. Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 05:04:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Darla" (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > I was in Gainesville, Florida--- home to a sanguine, happy people who seem > to be obsessed with alligators, and who kept offering us "boiled penuts." Hey, it could be worse, they could have left out the "t"... AND THE "B". > (Alternately: "boiled p'nuts" or "boiled p-nut's") 'ndy C'pp l'k's b'l'd p'nut's. (Cut to his frumpy wife and the vicar taking turns hitting him with blunt objects at a rugby game.) IT'S STILL FUNNY TO STEREOTYPE THE BRITISH! LARF AT ANDY CAPP 'CUZ HE'S LIKE TRAILER TRASH BUT BRITISH! Did anyone carry that strip on after the artist died a few years back? I'd have for them to ruin the format by putting humor in. > There were palm trees and bugs, small lizards in the bushes and enough early > sunlight to give me a rash. I wore bare feets and sandals too soon and too > much, and got me four blisters. I got one blister in D.C. this weekend and three in Las Vegas a month and a half ago. I'm shooting for one in Minneapolis next. I wish I had one of those special carboard maps of the U.S. that would let me save them until I collect all 50 blisters. (The D.C. blister has to go into the slot for Washington state.) > I had my first Krispy Kreme doughnut ever in my life, and it was actually > really good. Grits are on the menu for every meal, but I didn't order or > sample any because they look like baby barf to me. Want me to send you some tzimas from the kosher deli? -- K. Wait'll you read my review of the Texas Pete canned hot dog chili sauce. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I Didn't Do It Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 05:16:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "The Avocado Avenger" (stacia@io.com) wrote: > > I have nothing to say here. > > > From: Fred and Marie (goodtimescouple@hotmail.com) > > Subject: Kansas couple looking for fantasy/spanking fun times > > Date: Sat, 11 Mar 2000 17:47:29 GMT > > Newsgroups: alt.personals.ads > > > > We are a 40's couple looking for some spanking fun. We are looking for > > other couples, females and selected males to explore our wildest > > spanking fantasies. My fantasies are to watch other couples spank each > > other and to watch my husband spank other people. I am into recieving > > light spankings and my husband likes it hard. We live in Kansas and > > can travel anywhere in the state. Write to us and let's share some > > stories. > > > > Marie (goodtimescouple@hotmail.com) Maybe you could hook them up with this desperate loner: -> From: jamielee24@hotmail.com -> Subject: Beat me with a baseball bat -> Newsgroups: alt.torture -> Organization: MindSpring Enterprises -> X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.01 (Win95; I) -> Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2000 23:06:58 -0800 -> -> Is there anybody who will beat me with a baseball bat? I want to be -> severely beaten from head to toe causing severe bruises and broken -> bones. I love being beaten and I am willing to travel to your home if -> you are within 100 miles from me. When I arrive, strip me naked, lie me -> on a bed and beat me with a baseball bat. Every blow should be -> repetitive and hard. The beating should leave me unconscious, when I -> wake up I want to be in an emergency room. ...I wonder if she's the REAL Jamie Lee Curtis! But remember, _every_ blow should be repetitive, not just one of them. -- K. So what is it with these couples who post to the Internet under names like "Steve and Fran (steveandfran@aol.com)"? And when they get divorced, who gets custody of the E-mail address? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apartment hunting, yay!! Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 05:30:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Tamara" (tamaraharris@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Ad: Must see!!! $800.00, first & last, great location. TTC (that's our > transit system) at the door. Two bedrooms plus eat-in kitchen. > > This one is even funnier. The great location is above a Greek restaurant in > a really bad part of town. I swear to God, the moment I got upstairs, I saw > a roach that was bigger than my cat!! Wow, man, you've like found where Cheech and Chong live, man! Hey man like don't bogart that humongous doobie, man! > There were holes in the walls and some black goop all over the carpets. > The landlord looked like he belonged in the Mob. Well, it could have been worse. He could have looked like he _was_ in the Mob. I look like I belong in the Mob, but they won't actually take me. (Something about having to weigh over 150 pounds.) > He had so many gold chains around his neck that I'm suprised he > could actually stand erect. > > This "adventure" isn't fun anymore. But didja see that super-huge roach, man? I was like all big and stuff! That was one monster doob! It was a big joint, man! If you smoked it you'd get like high and stuff! That's a big roach! -- K. CUT TO PEE-WEE HERMAN ACTING STUPID ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Weird John Cleese dream Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 05:42:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I dreamnt John Cleese was murdering an entire caravan on a hillside > person by person while making up a poem on the spot about it. This explains that mysterious blurry, shimmering blob standing at the side of the scenes that John Cleese isn't in in "Monty Python And The Holy Grail". (Matt McIrvin needs to explain that to you.) -- K. Lots, please tell us what weapon he was using (it better not be "satire") so Matt can write the entire poem. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: What is there to do in Minneapolis? Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 05:52:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, I know about the Mall Of America, which is exactly twice the size of each of the two largest local malls (yawn) and can't possibly hold a candle to the one in Edmonton which has submarines in it and weird Canadian prices. But at the moment Minneapolis is cheap with the airline I'm collecting cheap frequent-flyer miles on. Is there _anything_ to see and/or do in Minneapolis and/or St. Paul? 1. See the Mall of America. That should take two hours or so. 2. On a random street corner, throw my hat into the air and freeze-frame. 3. Find where "Mystery Science Theater 3000" used to be filmed. 4. Walk around not wearing underwear to see if anyone mistakes me for the governor. -- K. I remember back when he looked like Jim Belushi. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The sickest thing ever seen in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 08:41:17 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I swear I am not making this up. I couldn't entertain an idea this twisted in a trillion years, because I AM NOT A CHILD MOLESTER WHO DRAWS CHEAP CARTOONS. I'm watching one of Hanna-Barbera's "Superfriends" cartoons from the 1970s. Superman and Batman are trying to save Metropolis and Gotham City from The Iron Cyclops, who is using a purple beam to suck trucks and buildings into outer space. As Black Vulcan ensures that "everything" in the city is welded to the ground, the Superfriends discover that The Iron Cyclops isn't really interested in the items that are floating off into space -- he's just stealing the _gravity_ from under them because his planet doesn't have any gravity. That's not the sick part (unless you're Matt McIrvin, who goes into conniptions whenever Hanna-Barbera doesn't get their gravitational physics right.) The sick part is that the first truck that The Iron Cyclops tries to suck into space... is a white and yellow van that says on the side... GACY'S BOY'S WEAR. I kept expecting the van's doors to open so Pogo The Clown could jump out and do perverted things to the Wonder Twins. HANNA AND/OR BARBERA ARE VERY SICK PEOPLE! -- K. Hey, ever notice that that one painting of Pogo that Gacy kept drawing over and over in prison is in _exactly_ the same crude style as a Hanna-Barbera cartoon? "A clown can get away with murder." -- J.W.G. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The sickest thing ever seen in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 04:58:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > > > If there was one great thing about the 1970s, it was that comic books, > > and the TV shows based on them, adopted a Social Conscience. > > And it seemed that *every* cartoon had to integrate something Valuable > into it to convince adults that it wasn't slowly poinsoning their > children's minds. > > Like you could watch Inspector Gadget bumble around the screen like an > idiot for the first 20 minutes, so stupid that he had to have a kid and > a dog bail him out every time. But suddenly, at the last 30 seconds of > the show, he'd give you a Safety Tip. Like how to dislodge sharp objects > from your eye. So you'd know that Inspector Gadget isn't a *total* > twit... he's just Acting!!! These segments were a result of the rule that TV stations have to show a certain number of hours of educational content per week, and any show with "Kids! Always Recycle... To The Extreme!" tacked on after the killing spree is counted as such. My favorite tacked-on morals are the ones on "He-Man", where he would be beating up barbarians in outer space for 29 minutes and then he'd turn to the camera and tell you that violence never solves any problems, and the ones on "Captain Planet" where the green-haired guy with the squeaky-yet-sanctimonious voice would tell you never to use spray cans because they always destroy the environment (you know, like they did before they banned that kind over years before they drew the cartoon.) That was in my favorite "Captain Planet" episode, where President Bush didn't want to make global warming illegal so our heroes kidnapped the President and flew him to Venus in their spaceship so he could see how the Greenhouse Effect would make the Earth really hot and covered with sulfuric acid, and when they were approaching Venus and floating around in their ship, George Bush looked out the window and said "I can FEEL the GRAVITY of VENUS." in that wacky voice of his. That's the quality of the heavy-handed eco-activism on that show. If Jack Webb were still alive, he would say they were being too preachy. If Truman Bradley were still alive, he would say that they weren't being scientifically accurate. -- K. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to go write my Congressman to stop cloning dinosaurs. Actually all cloning should be banned because I don't want to wake up and discover that I now have an evil twin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The sickest thing ever seen in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 00:03:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The Iron Cyclops isn't really interested in the items that are floating > > off into space -- he's just stealing the _gravity_ from under them > > because his planet doesn't have any gravity. > > If there was one great thing about the 1970s, it was that comic books, > and the TV shows based on them, adopted a Social Conscience. They started > integrating Big Issues (pollution, racism, drug abuse, political corruption) > into the plot lines, so that youthful readers like me would realize that, > fergoshsakes, serious things are going on in this world and I -- > as one of tomorrow's leaders who, hopefully for the comic book company, > threw down 15 cents to buy this instead of getting it from Billy down > the street in exchange for letting him watch through the window as my > older sister got ready for bed, although _I_ didn't actually do this, > I'm just speaking hypothetically -- need to start thinking about how > to solve these serious problems. You know, like the problem of mad scientists who tried to blow up the space program because there are problems that need solving right here on Earth, but then they learn that it's wrong to blow up the space program no matter how many problems there are here on Earth. Then they let the mad scientist go because he apologized for trying to kill everyone. The moral fiber at the core of my being comes directly from such Hanna-Barbera cartoons, and from Adam West as Batman. Remember the one where he's at the college yelling "BOYS AND GIRL, GO BACK TO YOUR STUDIES! BELIEVE ME, NOTHING IN LIFE IS FREE!" (I don't either, but I heard that audio clip once.) > In this context, then, The Iron Cyclops is a kind of cyberalien > Jean Valjean, driven to steal gravity because the universe's laissez-faire > approach to distribution of natural resources and phenomenas MOM! ALT.POSTMODERN'S TRYING TO START ANOTHER CASCADE! > meant that his (its?) planet was forced FOR NO GOOD REASON to do without > while greedy, insensitive earthlings absoutely wallowed in their gravity > without giving it so much as a thought. I should think that The Iron Cyclops would be _happy_ to have a zero-gravity planet for floatational fun, especially since he's a big heavy robot made of iron who would probably never move again once they turned on the gravity. > I can imagine the ending: > > Superman: The Earth's gravity is back where it belongs -- safe and sound! > > Robin: Gosh! I never realized how valuable gravity is to us! To think it > took an alien from outer space to make me appreciate it! > > Batman: You're not alone, old chum. Too many of us take too much for > granted: clean air, clean water, endless supplies of petroleum and > polyester... Let's hope we don't have to have another visit from someone > like The Iron Cyclops before we understand how fortunate we are to have > our gravity. > > Robin: Well, I'm gonna use _my_ gravity to go back to the Batcave and > get ready for my date tonight! > > (Animated voice-over laughter from all, fade to black) I think it was more like Superman: One SUPER-PUNCH will take care of this NATTERING NABOB! *SOCKO* Iron Cyclops: Ow! My eye! Superman: There will be plenty of gravity where you're going... SPACE JAIL! Wonder Twin: Hey, look at Wonder Dog! Wonder Dog: (crosses his eyes because a butterfly is on his nose) All: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!! ...but I wasn't paying attention during the second half because I was too busy telling you people I saw the first half. > ...then there was the time the Incredible Hulk helped lead a demonstration > against nuclear power. What I find most socially conscientous about "Superfriends" is that they bent over backwards to have an all-inclusive group of superheros, fabricating serveral new _made-up_ superheroes just for the show so that every ethnic group could be represented: There was the black guy, the Japanese guy, the Native American, the Mexican wrestler, the midget, the teenager, the dog, and the woman. (Of course the bad guys were all white males, except for the fake Catwoman that was only allowed to fight Wonder Woman, because she wasn't allowed to beat up men.) Comic books have always tried to appeal to every segment of the marketplace. For instance, there's Daredevil, the blind superhero, who was specifically created to appeal to blind people who like to read comic books. Captain Canuck, who was like Captain America only for Canadians. And there was Northstar, the superhero who ran around in pastel tights being gay, as opposed to Batman and Superman who ran around in pastel tights being not gay. Oh, and let's not forget The Thing, the superhero who makes kids feel good about their acne. -- K. My dinner is burning. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.space.station,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Skylab Fastener Busy Board Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 09:33:07 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.space.station, "jsmith" (jsmithg@gotmail.com) wrote: > > Hello all, hate to burst out in this newsgroup like a lurker but has anyone > seen the "Skylab Fastener Busy Board" on Ebay? It was just put up a couple > days ago and is an interesting look... > > James > > to see it click the link below > > > http://cgi.ebay.com/aw-cgi/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=281255464 All I can say is that if I had had a Skylab Fastener Busy Board when I was a baby, by now I would have been the first man on Mars. Just think, if they had mass-produced these and distributed them to preschools, today we'd have a whole generation of men and women who could operate a space station in their sleep, and at least one of them would have invented those flying cars NASA used to say we were going to get. And the flying cars would have doors with Locking Expando fasteners. Looking at the Skylab Fastener Busy Board has just made my lifetime of memories seem lame and inferior compared to what _could_ have been. Waah! -- K. Why would _anyone_ want to sell such a charming piece of space history? I'm going to write Ross Perot a letter asking him to buy it for the Smithsonian's National Air and Space Museum. (I mean, sure, they have actual backup Skylab modules on display, but the Busy Board is far cooler. Plus it could be an interactive exhibit.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Albert Einstein's Motivations Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 00:54:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics, alt.religion.kibology, and alt.fan.beable, Oliver Keating (webmaster@o-keating.com) wrote: > > Please do not infect alt.sci.physics with this kind of crap. It is obvious > you are just a touble maker. It's been far too long since the last sighting of a new Accidental Catchphrase. "We will not allow yourselves to be bludgeoned." "...all over you screen!" "Keep it out of sci.hcem, fool." and now "Please do not infect alt.sci.physics with this kind of crap." *and* "It is obvious you are just a touble maker." all in the same paragraph! > Incidentally, whats wrong with communism? Its a great philosophy, in fact me > and a group of people are planning a revolution, why not join us? I'm sorry, I don't support any revolution which would involve the world being taken over by losers. -- K. IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE JUST A COMMUNIST AGITATOR AND NOT A TOUBLE MAKER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Judge says no to Santa name change Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 01:13:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com via United Press International: > > Judge says no to Santa name change > > COLUMBUS, Ohio, March 16 (UPI) -- An Ohio judge has denied > Robert William Handley's request to change his name to Santa Claus. > It's not that Handley doesn't look like Santa. He's got the > big belly and white beard, and he always plays the jolly old elf around > the holidays. It's not even that Handley lives in Columbus instead of the > North Pole. > Rather, probate magistrate Thomas Stone said he didn't want > children to read Santa's obituary in the newspaper when Handley dies. That's the DUMBEST rationalization for disallowing people to do something stupid that I ever heard. > "An obituary for Santa Claus would be the inevitable result of a name change > to Santa Claus,'' Stone wrote in his opinion. Only if there's a MEAN judge who doesn't allow him to change his name again later before he dies! And of course assuming that the guy who keeps changing his name isn't The King Of Science and has "Invent practical method of immortality" scrawled on next week's calendar. And that the real Santa doesn't die in the meantime. > "The sorrow caused from the sight of such an obituary should be avoided.'' WE MUST NOT SPOIL THE FUN SMALL CHILDREN HAVE READING THE OBITUARIES! I wonder how the judge feels about the fact that Captain Kangaroo, Mister Rogers, and Caroll Spinney are going to die someday. I think this judge should pass a law that says nobody can ever become famous so that kids won't be upset when they die. > Stone said Santa is an important part of American culture, HEY ALL THOSE OTHER COUNTRIES ARE RIPPING OFF OUR IDEA! AMERICA OWNS THE COPYRIGHT ON SANTA! WE MUST KILL NORWEGIAN SANTA! > and he doesn't think anyone can live up to the ideal. "If the petitioner > were not able to live up to this ideal in public, it may cause a young > child to lose the hope and joy which come from a belief in Santa Claus,'' > the judge wrote. And then the kid would grow up to be a MEAN OLD JUDGE! > Handley told Thursday's Columbus Dispatch he received the > ruling about two weeks ago, but he disagrees with Stone's reasoning. Well, I think lots of people disagree with the part of the movie after the "back... and to the left... back... and to the left..." scene, but -- oh, wait, you're talking about a different Stone. Well, I think lots of people disagree with the part of the movie after she crosses her legs in front of the fat guy from "Seinfeld", but -- > "Children who believe in Santa Claus generally can't read the > paper, or they certainly don't read the obituaries,'' Handley said. "What > kind of parent would tell their child, 'Oh look, Santa is dead. I don't > have to get you a Christmas present.''' No, see, if Santa were dead, the parents would have to _start_ buying Christmas presents. Unless this "Santa" thing has been a SCAM all along. > Another hearing on the matter is set for April 19. This is the worst remake of "Miracle On 34th Street" EVER! -- K. ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium - dishwasher? Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 01:29:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com This was an article I posted to some other, non-Kibological newsgroups, which is being reposted here under separate cover so that we can talk about the science newsgroups behind their back. Someone asked about Archie Pu, and I felt it was my duty as the world's leading expert on Internet-aware mad scientists to summarize the important story of the King Of Science. -- K. He ranks just below the Emperor Norton Of Science. /////////// ARTICLE FROM ELSEWHERE ////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium - dishwasher? Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag, sci.physics, sci.edu, soc.history.science, sci.econ Followup-To: sci.physics.electromag Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 09:20:18 GMT In sci.physics.elecromag, edprice@pacbell.net wrote: > > Kenneth L. Graham wrote: > > > > DanBoy2112 (dan@tambasco.com) wrote: > > > > > > Hey does anyone know if Archimedes is still a dishwasher at Dartmouth > > > University? > > > > Hi, I went to Dartmouth (College, not University). Archimedes was a > > dishwasher at the Hanover Inn. I sometimes saw him in the physical science > > library though. > > Arky once posted at length of the harsh inequities heaped upon him by > the unfair allocation of "stall cleaning" assignments. He never made it > clear as to whether those stalls were tables at the Inn, toilets or even > horse stalls. > > Dartmouth must have allowed unlimited access to computers on their > campus, and Arky must have been a good chair warmer. He once complained > that noisy high school students were distracting him from his research. > > Arky also speculated that he would file many small, nattering lawsuits > with the intent of settling out-of-court, therby funding the Plutonium > Atom Foundation. Perhaps he carried out this plan, and this forms the > basis for his present extended absence from Dartmouth. Archie was first a cashier, and then a dishwasher (although he would get very upset if anyone called him a dishwasher, he maintained he was a "potwasher".) He started at Dartmouth's Hanover Inn about ten years ago (his previous employer was a relative of the manager of the Inn so he got a good reference, he's said) and then about seven years ago started posting to various sci.* newsgroups. He has maintained he only took the job at Dartmouth (paying $7/hour when the relationship ended last year) to get access to Dartmouth's campus computers, which is a little odd because he took the job about three years before he discovered the the campus computers. (He was known as "Ludwig Plutonium" when he first started posting in 1993; previously he was "Ludwig van Ludvig" and before that "Ludwig Hansen" [adopted name] and "Ludwig Poehlmann" [birth name]. When he posted about a run-in he had with some cops a while ago it became clear that his "legal" name changes which he effected weren't effective, because when the cops looked him up he was still "Ludwig Hansen". He is also known as "The King Of Science And Logic", a title I'm sure nobody but he awarded himself.) From what Archie told us (and believe me, he's posted plenty of stuff over the past few years -- most of which is archived on his Web sites) we know that he filed a lawsuit against Dartmouth, which was apparently an attempt at a class action on behalf of "handicapped" dishwashing staff at Dartmouth's Hanover Inn where he worked (he claimed he was the one in the group who _wasn't_ handicapped) after receiving a three-cent-an-hour annual pay increase. He evidently did not win, and made a rather wonderful series of posts asking misc.legal and various sci.* groups what a "Motion for Summary Judgment" was and making repeated references to a "statue of limitations". ("Yeah, it's a sculpture of limitations." -- Jerry Seinfeld.) He then claimed he was leaving Dartmouth for an extended vacation after ten years of solving all the world's science problems, and then he claimed he was leaving after being "fired" (his term) by Dartmouth (his term), and went to Europe and ate candy in various cities. Then he bought a "shack" in or near Halifax, Nova Scotia, a purple Toyota pickup truck, and a "homestead" in South Dakota where he is now living with his new iMac (color unknown.) I think he also claims to have a vacation home in Florida. (None of these recent acquisitions have been verified by third parties, nor has the massive wealth he claims to have earned playing the stock market.) He had also claimed he was filing numerous lawsuits against (among others) NASA, AOL, a Canadian university (a Federal lawsuit against a Canadian entity provoked much mirth) and me. He described the typography (gold and green lettering) in detail but curiously these lawsuits seem to have been printed on imaginary paper. You can read more about his various misadventures on the Web sites where he archives the stuff he posts to the sci.* groups -- he also posts some of his E-mail there, which provoked even more merriment from the peanut gallery when he was bragging about how he set up a Hotmail account all by himself... and he POSTED THE LETTER THEY MAILED HIM WITH HIS PASSWORD IN IT. Currently his hot topics include (a) he invented spaghetti, (b) Allen Greenspan controls OPEC's oil price increases, (c) he's trying to install three wood stoves in his "homestead", and (d) he likes candy of various kinds. (d) seems to be the one he comes back to the most (back around 1998 he once explained that the fact that he had a craving for shredded coconut proved his theory that the Universe was a giant plutonium atom that was making him superintelligent because the center of his brain also contains a plutonium atom, unlike the rest of us who have a carbon atom at the center of our brains.) Ow. Trying to summarize his theories in understandable form makes my head hurt. I think my carbon atom is throbbing. -- K. Surprisingly, he hasn't changed his name lately. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium - dishwasher? Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 02:29:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics.electromag & sci.edu, "Nick" (of no fixed E-mail address) wrote: > > Plus, the letters in his name can be (nay, must be) > rearranged to spell: > "I pound his male rectum" > "Penis could mature him" > "Posh, numerical tedium" > and many other delightful phrases. Yes, but more importantly, could you rearrange the atoms in his brain to make someone who understands logic, eats something other than candy, and doesn't change his name to a radioactive element and then names the as-yet-undiscovered element "Plutoniumium" after himself? Even if this doesn't seem likely, I still think we should try. Next time he leaves his cranium open for a second, let's all stick our fingers in and see what we can do to improve the situation. -- K. Some anagrams I just found for "Archimedes Plutonium": "Presume Homicidal Nut" "Idiot Cleanse Rump, Hum" "Chimp Modulates Urine" "Hi, Lame Cretinous Dump" "Pi Co-Ed Hermit Alumnus" (also "Cod Pie Hermit Alumnus") "Me Hideous Culprit Man" "Mature Chimp Delusion" "Miniscule Diaper Moth" "Helium Cranium Posted" "Tiresome Cud-Lip Human" "I Am PU, Molested Urchin" "Ho, I Am Punctured Slime" "I Am Lude Spumoni Retch" (if we allow phonetic spellings) "Urinal Septic Mud Home" or "Plastic/Urine/Mud Home" "Alumni Prosecuted Him" "Chimp Emulated Our Sin" "'Mister Eunuch' Diploma" "Remedial Chimp, Out Sun." "Peculiar Nudist Homme" "Hi-Top Nuclear Dummies" "Um, Urinal Chemist Dope" "Human Computer Is Idle" "Nuclear Idiot Humps Me" "Mod Mule Penis Haircut" "Am Rude Neolithic Sump" "Muscular Hempen Idiot" "Me Plum Dish Cautioner" "Neolithic Raped Us, Mum!" Unfortunately, I think he should have changed his name to something that couldn't be rearranged into so many other words, such as "Duhduhduhduhduh D. Duh". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,sci.edu,soc.history.science,sci.econ,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium - dishwasher? Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 01:30:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: sci.physics.electromag In sci.physics.electromag, sci.edu, soc.history.science, and sci.econ, Uncle Al (UncleAl0@hate.spam.net) wrote: > > Archie-Poo is a biological afterthought who uses all four edges of his > toilet paper while bemoaning the wastrel front and back sides. In > public. Voluminously. Now, now, now. Archie never talks about poo-poo, except for those posts where he discussed his method of using toilet paper (always alternate wet and dry, and don't touch the seat with your butt) and the posts where he tried to figure out why dogs eat their own poop, and of course the first page of his autobiography where he recounted his earliest memory, which involved eating his own poop. Alexander Abian was the mad scientist who liked to talk about toilet paper (he called it "t----t paper" and kept saying things along the lines of "Einstein should be recycled into t----t paper!" except in all capitals), not Archie. Less than 10% of the thousands of dispatches from Archie have involved poo-poo. Usually he just talks about candy. Me, I never talk about candy or poo-poo, with the exception of my encounter with the Jar Jar Binks Monster Mouth Candy Tongue. -- K. And then there was Hannu Poropudas, who once said "poooooz" for reasons I don't understand. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Creepy things on "Sesame Street" Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 05:03:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > The only thing about Sesame Street that really disturbed me was that > bearded guy in the raincoat (who looked like a PERVERT) who would sidle > up to people and paint numbers on things. In one instance he stalked > some woman who was having a picnic and painted stuff on her bread with > sauces and things. All this discussion about creepy "Sesame Street" bits makes me wonder if any of you people (a) never watched "Sesame Street" or (b) watched it and thorougly enjoyed everything without being terrified of the creepy parts. Other than those of you who got old before "Sesame Street" was invented thirty years ago, I suspect every last one of you folks has seen hundreds if not thousands of episodes and been very scared during each of them. I vaguely recall the segments you mean. Which are not to be confused with the Mike Jittlov-like guy who would say "Gonna paint me a four!" and paint it on the inside of your TV screen (ha! your TV is _ruined_ forever!) and are vaguely related to the Muppet segments with the sleazy green guy in the trenchcoat who was fencing illicit digraphs. You know, the "Golden An". (It was just like the Maltese Falcon only different.) > Now, the chef guy who used to fall down the stairs with the cakes and > stuff? He was funny. It wouldn't be so funny IF YOU WERE A CAKE! -- K. Now, a birthday cake running over a steamroller, THAT would be funny. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A film criticism moment. Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 05:12:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I would just like to say that the movie "Viva Knievel!" (1977) has the most Kibological cast of any movie, ever: > Evel Knievel .... Himself > Gene Kelly .... Will Atkins > Lauren Hutton .... Kate Morgan > Red Buttons .... Ben Andrews > Leslie Nielsen .... Stanley Millard > Cameron Mitchell .... Barton > Frank Gifford .... Himself > Eric Olson .... Tommy Atkins > Sheila Allen .... Sister Charity > Albert Salmi .... Cortland > Dabney Coleman .... Ralph Thompson > Ernie F. Orsatti .... Norman Clark > Sidney Clute .... Andy > Robert Tafur .... Governor Garcia > Marjoe Gortner .... Jessie The only way it would be better would be if they fired those real entertainers who got in their and replaced them with kitschier counterparts, like, change Dabney Coleman to Gary Coleman, change Gene Kelly to Gene Rayburn, and definitely get Lauren Hutton out and put in E.F. Hutton. (Ha! And you thought I was going to say "Jabba The Hutton"!) But how could anyone not appreciate the brilliance of a cast which includes a straight role for Leslie Nielsen _and_ an appearance by Marjoe Gortner? Oh, sure, you thought Leslie Nielsen was embarassed when he was standing next to Robbie The Robot. But... Marjoe Gortner! This is a cast list to be savored. But don't see the movie. -- K. I seem to recall Matt McIrvin wrote a musical version of this movie... I WONDER IF ANYONE WILL REPOST IT NOW. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why is Africa spotty? Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 09:24:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > I was searching for a world map in jpg form, Oh, so YOU'RE the guy who filled out the feedback form on www.world.com last week complaining that the site needed to give out free maps of everywhere just like its URL implies if you make a biiiiiiiiiig assumption. > because... actually I forgot what I wanted it for. But > I have successfully implanted the command "GET! WORLD! MAP!" > into my brane, and now I HAVE to do it. So anyway, > I did a "google" search, but those guys are wackos, The Google people are very nice people, even if they're not Clever. OOH OOH I MADE A PUN ABOUT SEARCH ENGINES! I JUST BECAME NOT HIP! THAT MEANS I'LL NEVER GET A LITTLE SWOOSHY STAR NEXT TO MY NAME ON eBAY! More bad puns later. (Puns are better with advance warning!) > [...] > Anyway, after peeking at the 90000 results all of which > said "WANT LOBSTER SEX LOBSTER WORLD MAP LOBSTER SEX", > I decided to do a Yahoo! search because I think Yahoo! > is better for a search of this nature where the desired > item is easily categorised. Even though they have an even > stupider name than Google. It was stupider back when it was "akebono.stanford.edu/~yahoo" before people realized that every item in the Universe needed its own domain name and no domain should ever contain more than one thing. That reminds me, I need to take all the content off www.kibo.com except for a big picture of Kibo with the word "Kibo" on it. Except that won't leave room for the feedback form that says "Click here to send mail to the webmaster if you are upset that you are looking for maps and we're not a company that makes or gives away maps." > So I found THIS: > http://www.webcom.com/~bright/petermap.html > ["THE PETERS PROJECTION: AN AREA ACCURATE MAP"] > > So what's the deal with Africa? Why is it all spotty > like that? And why is Russia all pink? Are they trying > to imply that Russia is GAY? To paraphrase Shel Silverstein, "Russia is PINK because Russia is ALWAYS pink!" That's from his "Uncle Shelby" period, when he went around yelling "Keep it out of sci.hcem, fool!" while wearing drag. > But the Peters Projection sounds interesting in that > map area is directly proportional to land area, unlike > the ST00PID Mercator projection where Greenland is enormous. Or the "State Of The World Atlas" maps where map area is directly proportional to how much the country agrees with our liberal bias, and every home is within driving distance of at least twelve ninety-degree angles. > But I don't want to PAY for a map! I want a FREEEEEE one! > > I went to a promising-looking site, apparently > Theo Mora is a geographer, not a mathematician! > And check this out! A *C*O*L*O*R*I*N*G* map! Color > it in yourself! Make North America all spotty and > give Africa some COOL colours! > http://www.theodora.com/maps/new4/world_color.gif "Here are some safety crayons. Please color in the map and then give it to Mr. Psychiatrist. Why did you use red, which is a happy color, to color in the Communist countries? You are a very disturbed little boy. I am going to recommend that the Government lock you up until it is impossible for me to look at you and decide that you might be a Communist." > Now I have found my world map, I can pop that command > off the stack Oh, won't you folks be sorry when I post that pun about stack-oriented computer programming that I've been polishing for the past week. It's almost finished, the pun is about a page long. You'll see it soon. BEWARE! > and get to the next worrisome stuff: > I went to the convenience store to get some lunch. > I noticed that there were a lot of people lined up > behind one cash register, even though there were > five open. Like this: > --FOOD-- > > M A |ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo > R| > M A |o ====================================== > R| > M A |o o====================================== > R| > A |o ====================================== > R| B X > A |o ====================================== > R| > | > > -------DDDD------------------------------------------ > > Where: > M is a mipenguinave oven for heating bento ect > A is a shop assistant IRRASHAIMASEEEEEEEE! > R is a cash register > o is a silly human > | is the counter > --FOOD-- is where the desirable food is (not so many tentacles) > X is the strange object that I saw > B <-- that's mE!!! > D is the door > > I walked around the back of the store to get to the --FOOD-- > from the DDDD door. Noticing that everybody was being a bozo > and lining up behind the same cash register, I walked around > past X to get to a cash register with a short line. Because > HEY! Why should I wait in that big long line? There's no LAW > saying I have to wait in the ST00PID line!! But when I got to > X I saw something so strange it stopped me in my tracks, and > I stood there looking at it, giggling quietly. It seemed > reasonably normal. It was in the t-shirts and underwear section. > It was a square packet and written on the packet was: > > DOUBLE GAUZE > Handker Chief > > Yes, a wacky spelling error had stopped me. I don't even > know how I spotted it. It wasn't just a kerning error, > this device was apparently Chief of the Handker tribe, or > possibly some sort of Chief used to clean your Handkers? > So I continued to the counter, and was almost immediately > served, proving that my DASTARDLY SCHEME WORKED HA HA HA! > I could hear the gigantic silent "D'OH!" wafting over > silently from the silly humans who stood in the extremely > long line FOR NOTHING! HAW HAW HAW!! No, they waited in the extremely long line FOR GROCERIES! It's only in Russia that you're required to wait in line for nothing. This calls to mind one of the two lines from "The Simpsons" which is a million times funnier than anything else that has ever been said on TV: LISA (to HOMER): "How can you judge a country that you've never been to?" BART: "Yeah! That's what they do in RUSSIA!" The other line being: JIMBO (to NELSON): "You kissed a GIRL! That is SO GAY!" Notice that the word at the end is always emphasized. This is a rule of being FUNNY!!! > Next, I am disturbed by my television set. Why is it > covered with black grime? Because white grime (which is made from a mixture of lithium grease and tennis-court line-marking chalk) isn't as healthy because it doesn't have as many vitamins and minerals as black grime. The Government is now requiring that that white stuff that falls off donuts but never comes off your pants be replaced with wholesome black grime. > It's like it is a big dirt magnet and SUCKS dirt in the > window so that it can glue it onto its screen! If I don't > wipe the screen carefully every few weeks, I CAN'T SEE IN ANY MORE! > I suspect it might be because the screen must have a big positive > charge so that electrons will crash into it and make the > phosphor glow. Maybe the charge attracts dirt? Basically, unless you paid the three cents extra to get a TV set that has a drain wire to dissipate the static. HA HA I CAN TELL FROM HERE THAT YOU DON'T BUY SONY BRAND TVS! > Also, I LIKE BACON!!! I like Sony brand bacon. It costs more, and it has hundreds of cryptically-labelled little buttons, but you can stretch it to three feet long and it never breaks. Also it fits into a Memory Stick slot. -- K. ASK ME ABOUT MY 518mm LENS (I think one of the twelve fluorescent stickers I peeled off my camera said that. Another one said "I LIKE BACON!")