Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284641 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Why haven't you people been complaing about this? Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Wed, 29 Mar 2000 08:52:44 GMT Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b156.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 15 It would save me _so_ much time if you guys would complain about the fact that Levi's is advertising PRE-FRAYED CUTOFF JEANS now. I mean, first it was soaking the jeans in acid to make them already half-worn-out, but now they're charging extra to cut off the legs with garden shears and throw them in a rock tumbler! I would complain about this in detail but I'm sort of busy right now. Get to work on this, please. Especially you, Lee Bumgarner. -- K. I hear Burger King is testing pre-frayed French Frays. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284744 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: CURLY FRIES Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 07:25:24 GMT References: <20000329110617.02500.00005346@ng-ce1.aol.com> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b181.std.com Organization: www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: MoonBase alpha 0.1 Lines: 78 "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > The fact I cannot locate Curly Fries is proof that god hates me. Aw, poor baby. Around 1990, I complained to the whole Internet that 1990 was THE YEAR WITHOUT WAGON-WHEEL-SHAPED PASTA. And do you know what? They LAUGHED AT ME! So don't expect any sympathy from me. (Cue world's hugest tiny invisible fluorescent violin playing the sound of curly fries being rubbed on the world's greasiest violin strings.) So, TOUGH TATER ON YOU! But despite having a total lack of sympathy for you, I *do* feel your pain. However, I feel it in the form of the pain one gets from having too many consumer goods rather that too few. For instance, today at the 7-Eleven, while I was there buying a packet of Pop Nots for my boss, I found... packets of microwave popcorn... with... pork... rinds. I mean with pork rinds IN THE POPCORN. Would someone please design a bomb that draws a big Venn diagram with all the food sold by 7-Eleven in the first circle and all the food sold by real supermarkets in the second circle and then blows up the part of the first circle that doesn't overlap the second circle? Thank you very much. So, in conclusion, I apologize for being mean to you just because you can't get any curly fries. HA, HA! YOU CAN'T GET NO CURLIES! But I'll take pity on you because I feel sorry that I'm making fun of you (HA! HA! I AM MAKING FUN OF YOU!!!!) so I will tell you where to get a forklift's worth of frozen tateroid spirals. Here's an article I wrote for a newsletter that doesn't usually tell you where to buy curly fries: --------------------------------------------------------------------------- URL: Lamb-Weston french fries http://www.lambweston.com Lamb-Weston is a division of the huge ConAgra corporation (I think "ConAgra" is short for "conglomerated agribusiness".) The specialty of Lamb-Weston is the industrial manufacture of french fries. Hundreds of kinds of french fries. They supply enormous quantities of french fries to fast-food restaurants everywhere, and now _you_ can use the power of the Web to read all about other people's french fries! Click on "Product Lines" to see the different categories of fries that are delivered in huge trucks. Their product lines are divided into cutesy names such as "Generation 7 Fries", "Stealth Fries", and "Private Reserve". Then, click on one of the categories (at top left) to learn about the dozens of kinds of fries in each category. Such as "Specialty Cut Fries Taterboy Rib Cuts 24253 Deep V Steak". I dare you to go into any restaurant and ask them if they have "Specialty Cut Fries Taterboy Rib Cuts 24253 Deep V Steak" on the menu. THERE ARE TOO MANY KINDS OF FRENCH FRIES IN THE WORLD! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- K. Anyone else remember Buzzy's original "fries", which were neither sliced nor cooked? Eww. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284748 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Boss allegedly forces cleaner to eat dog faeces Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 08:11:41 GMT References: Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b155.std.com Organization: www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: MoonBase alpha 0.1 Lines: 65 Why I get all my news from clari.living.bizarre: > Subject: Boss allegedly forces cleaner to eat dog faeces Hey! Archie prefers to be called a _potwasher_, not a _dishcleaner_! > Subject: Cat thieves claw Serbian linen (cut to Herbert Lom pretending to go insane for the thirteenth time, but he falls asleep on camera. Featuring Carrot Top as Inspector Clouseau.) > Subject: George Washington's hair on display That's nothing. I've been to the "Star Trek" museum. They had _hundreds_ of photos of goofy-looking wigs. Most with Shatner still in them. > Subject: Casual Dress Is Causing Confusion Yeah, well, so's the Internet. DEAR INTERNET, R U A GIRL ???// > Subject: Don't Think and Drive THINK ABOUT THAT!!! -- K. Meanwhile, CNN Headline News has reported that a study of unknown size by unknown scientists has found that lesbians have Man Hands. Three questions: (1) Did some hand fetishist get a government grant to hold hands with a bunch of women? (2) Did this study's conclusion involve any actual research, or just watching a "Seinfeld" rerun? (3) How did the researcher determine whether the women were actually lesbians? (Currently there is no scientific procedure that can be used to detect lesbians independent of whether the experimenter is a guy in a singles bar.) P.S. R U A GIRL OR A LESBAIN ????/ I M A MILLIONEAR !!!!1 & I D0 N0T LIVE WITH MY M0M !!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284751 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibological Dream I had last night Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 08:31:16 GMT References: Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b155.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 36 "Schwa Love" (schwa242@hotmail.com) wrote: > > So anyways, I'm dreaming that there's a dolphin trapped in a several > flights up in a building, just sitting on a table in some sort of laboratory, > and he needs to be brought to a large source of saltwater soon or he will > die!!! And the dolphin turns out to be Darwin from NBC's Seaquest! It's up > to me and a couple friends to save the dolphin by bringing him back to sea, > all we have to do is carry him down a few flights of stairs to the basement, > which has a pool that is conveniently connected to the ocean somehow. The > only problem is, a) the dolphin is heavy, and b) it won't shut up. In a voice > that can only be described as a hybrid of a Furby and the baby dinosaur from > The Dinosaurs, the damn thing keeps saying "Darwin sad! Darwin want fish! > Darwin feel bad!" At any rate we finally get to the basement, where the > magical ocean pool is located. Unfortunately, there are sharks swimming in > the pool. We all say the hell with it and toss Darwin in, and watch as he is > promptly devoured. *Some* of us have sexy dreams. You know, ones that are like that except the exact opposite. -- K. There's nothing like a dolphin with the voice of Frank Welker huffing helium to spoil a good night's imaginary sex. P.S. Is this related to that mattress commercial where they show how it lets a woman dream she's on a beach in front of a beautiful sunset, having tea with Cornelius from "The Planet Of The Apes"? I say that one _was_ a sex dream, because, hey, Roddy McDowall. If they had said "Dr. Zaius" or "Charlton Heston" it would have been different, but they specifically picked Roddy McDowall, who was rumored to be better-equipped than Tom Jones plus six Mick Jaggers. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284752 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Lobster dreams reach Letzebuerg Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 08:45:31 GMT References: <38e1933e@news.vo.lu> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b155.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 77 Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > I just woke with a start, and thought it was the middle of the night. > It was a LOBSTER DREAM. I had thought that the aluminium shutters > would protect me from those. Or are they Krell metal? +ACI-That's Krell > Metal, Hollow Krell Metal a Millimetre Thick+ACE- And the dream still got > through+ACE- Aargh LOBSTERS FROM THE ID+ACIAIQ- On our planet, we yell "ACE!!!" whenever we need to make a quote mark. And whenever we need to talk about an ace, we yell "YAHTZEE!!!!" > I dreamt that a cow-orker fell over and landed on a pile of Lobsters, > and had to sew cloth badges all over his shirt to hide the > lobster-marks. "YOU MUST HIDE THE MARK OF THE LOBSTER!" > And it reminded me, once many years ago, many many years back, when I > still lived in the UK, when usenet was a distant fantastical rumour to > me and Kibo was nothing more than wind-blown gossamer, a strange > sparkling light on the waters of the beck, an odd stare, the sound of > bells reverberating in the valley. Sorry. Anyway, this morning I > remembered with some clarity an ancient dream. Back then one night as > the dark street shone dully like polished lead in the moonlight and > sparrows quietly froze to their perches I dreamt that I was walking in > a campus, where the pathways had long canopies over them. The canopy > over the path I was following got lower and lower, till I had to walk > alongside it. Then I found David Rappaport lying there unable to walk, > because he had a LOBSTER stuck to his foot. (He was a minor TV celeb > in the UK, if you've seen +ACI-Time Bandits+ACI- he was the one with the map, > I think). He was the star of a short (sorry) American TV series titled "The Wizard" in which he befriended a little kid and they went around solving crimes. It was cancelled after about six weeks and, unfortunately, he killed himself. He was a really good actor, but I'm sure Hollywood is unkind to your career if you're cursed with being a cute midget. "Yeah, it's a big role. Just shut up and get into the Ewok suit." > Anyway, in the dream it was hard for him to walk, with this > lobster stick to his bare foot, its head by his toes, its tail wrapped > round towards his achilles tendon and its little legs clinging hard to > the sole of his foot. > > I helped him pull it off. SCHhhhh-kLUERP+ACE- > > AArrgh. Woke with a start that time as well. > > For I have no lobster and I must dream. Forever in Lobster dreams.... > forever in lobster dreams... I just want to know why they're called "lobsters" given that they do NOT do any lobbing. Mobsters run mobs, and globsters form globs, but I have never seen a lobster lob a softball, a piece of hard candy, or a Beabie Baby at anything. Not even those Beanie Babies shaped like soft, fuzzy, hairy lobsters. > -- > Andrew Pearson - un animal avec beaucoup de fonctions interactives. > Parlez et riez ensemble. Il connait 800 mots et bruits. R+AOk-agit +AOA- la > lumi+AOg-re et au bruit. Ses mouvements sont tr+AOg-s r+AOk-alistes+ACE- Version > anglaise. I think that as "Dr. Who" characters go, ACE is AOk. Ha! Ha! I just broke Luxemborg! -- K. It's the cubical country that always puts you in a tractor beam and then sits there twiddling its thumbs for fifty-nine minutes so that you can blow it up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284758 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: News from the front (Cone pic tease, too!) Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 09:27:09 GMT References: <38E105E4.39E6@agilent.com> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b155.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 70 Chris Franks (chris_franks@agilent.com) wrote: > > My own college chemistry class was bad, because it included Tony Iannarone > blowing off both of his hands when he was mixing up a noise maker. > 6 months later, he was back in class with a pair of hooks, and a new major. AND HANGING FROM THE CAR DOOR WAS... HIS DAUGHTER'S SWEATER!!! No, wait, that's a different true story. It's a shame he lost his hands instead of being paralyzed from the waist down. This is because if movies have taught us anything, it's that (a) all people with prosthetic hands are evil and (b) all people in wheelchairs are evil and are mad scientists, therefore if he were in a wheelchair he would automatically become a scientist while remaining evil. So remember, if you're ever in an explosion where you wake up and the doctor says to you, "You have a choice, would you rather have your hands amputated or have your spinal cord snipped in the middle?" be sure to ask for the spinal cord thingie so that you'll be a scientist. The scientists with both prosthetic hands AND wheelchairs, and wacky German accents, and a long table of cream pies behind them that everyone carefully avoids throwing during the entire movie because Stanley Kubrick had to take out the cream pie fight because President Kennedy was killed and therefore cream pies wouldn't be funny, well, that's the best type of mad scientist to be if you have to lose a hand or a spine or something. Other important lessons about prejudice and paranoia that movies teach us: 1.) If you hate dusting crops, buy a crop-dusting plane, because no crop-duster has ever been seen dusting crops in a movie. 2.) The 90% of people who go scuba-diving without a buddy are always stabbed underwater by bad guys in a different color suit than theirs. 3.) Silencers make guns go "TWEET!". However, a better use for a gun is to whack a guy on the head with it as hard as you can, which puts him to sleep, and then he wakes up five minutes later, good as new. 4.) The further into the future you go, the slower computers will display letters, which will get continually bigger, greener, and blockier. 5.) Gay guys and lesbians are even more evil than people in wheelchairs. Unless they're cross-dressers, in which case they're incredibly funny. 6.) Midgets have magical powers. Or are evil. Usually both. But fortunately, no midgets have ever been in wheelchairs. 7.) Any time a black guy is evil, you're guaranteed to have a good guy friend who is also black. 8.) Space is bright blue, but only if you were launched from Japan. Also if you go into space before 1968, the Earth forgets to have clouds. 9.) Falling objects move in zig-zag shaped parabolas if they're named Jet Li. 10.) Gold makeup will kill you if you mistakenly get any on your butt. So, if you see lots of movies, you will become prejudiced against everyone, and you will be afraid of everything. This is why I consider movies evil. They're just not as realistic as television. -- K. And high-definition television is TWICE as realistic as regular TV. With high-definition television, you won't even be able to tell that "The Simpsons" is a cartoon! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284760 sci.physics.electromag:38338 Newsgroups: sci.physics.electromag,alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Archimedes Plutonium dishwasher Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 09:44:32 GMT References: <01bf967e$405940a0$27264f0c@oemcomputer> <38DD50A8.756F@pacbell.net> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b155.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 42 In sci.physics.electromag, Ed Price (edprice@pacbell.net) wrote: > > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > Ed Price > > > > If you have a family it is in big trouble because you are a creep. Creeps > > like you abuse people around them. > > C'mon Kurtzie, be consistent. Am I slime or am I a creep? Both? Creepy > slime or slimey creep? > > Whatever, I just may adopt you (or assume custody). Son of Slime! Now THAT'S an interesting new tactic. Adoption-on-demand over the Internet. "I only adopted you because I _dislike_ you!" I feel this could be a valuable tool for the oppression of Special people like Kurt. Unless, of course, Mia Farrow adopts them all first. By the way, Ed, as the leader of a major religious cult, I'm legally empowered to marry people. To whom should I marry Kurt? Would you be willing to be the father-in-law of Kathie Lee Gifford-Stocklmeir? > Kurt Stocklmeir-Slime has a nice flow to it. Kurt & Kathie Stocklmeir-Slime, sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G... First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the stork with the baby carriage... wait, I just realized this is a very bad idea. Babies. Stocklmeir babies. Not cute Jim Henson's Stocklmeir Babies, just regular crazy Stocklmeir babies. Tell you what, if you're still willing to adopt him, I'll marry him to someone who will never have babies. -- K. Provided that biotechnology has found a way to revive Divine. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284761 sci.edu:23676 Newsgroups: sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Physics-Prairie-Home-Companion; 24MAR00 Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 10:00:20 GMT References: <38DC5FA4.6686FCD9@willinet.net> <38DDBA13.A2020A9F@willinet.net> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b155.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 88 In sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com) replied to himself: > > Archimedes Plutonium (arc_plutonium@hotmail.com wrote: > > > > [...] > > This week I added a redwood bed to my coterie of comfort. > > I made a mistake in the above, a mistake that I often repeat, and now have > decided to correct in my life. I try to add new words to my vocabulary, > sometimes, even not fully knowing what they mean. NO, REALLY? And just how hard did the judge laugh when you brought up the "statue of limitations" in your lawsuit? > And thinking that the word means something like this.... without even > checking a dictionary. I no longer have a dictionary or else I would > have checked the word "coterie". Arch... there's this new thing called the Internet... it's got words on it... words like "www.dictionary.com"... Look: -> coáteráie (ko'tu-re, ko'tu-re') -> n. -> -> A small, often select group of persons who associate with one another -> frequently. See Synonyms at circle. -> ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -> [French from Old French peasant association, from cotier, cottager, from -> *cote, cottage, possibly of Germanic origin.] Of course, I'm not sure this dictionary is really trustworthy... Their definition of "Kibo" is somewhat bogus. > And the mind thinks up a meaning of a word from the context > used when the person last heard the word, or even from the root word > if Latin or some other. So I was thinking that "coterie" meant a > collection of things, but it does not mean that. It means something > about an association of a group of people. Presenting... The Archimedes Plutonium Dictionary. cat something with fur and stuff cot something about sleeping, kind of coterie something about an association of a group of people Just out of curiosity, what word goes with "something about an association of a _single_ person"? > I sort of want variety in my words. We've noticed you keep, um, changing the spelling of some of the longer ones. > But now I figure that it is best to forget about sticking in > new words seldom used and best to use words that make meaning > clear. So, like a New Year's Resolution come early for 2000, Arch? Arch? Wake up, the year 2000's knocking on your head. It says you were supposed to let it in three months ago. > I have decided to try to never stick in a new word, especially a word > that I am unsure of its meaning. But rather to try to pick words such that > my meaning is very clear to other people and myself. What I meant to > say in the above was this: "This week I added a redwood bed to my > collection of comforts". I have a 3 bedroom home, a very large home > and I need to put a bed in that one bedroom, so I decided to get a > unique sort of bed. I like to sleep on a hard surface because of my > scoliosis (runners back) every now and then. So I got a redwood > bench that is a bed. I love to sleep on it every now and then, to > hear the sounds of the wood squeck and well, the comfort of a > surface that is hard enough. You misspelled "squick". Hope this helps. -- K. Arch, you should get the Nobel Prize For Squicking. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284838 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: KIBO kibo K I B O Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Fri, 31 Mar 2000 06:32:52 GMT References: <20000330115700.15991.00000046@ng-cj1.aol.com> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b178.std.com Organization: www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: MoonBase alpha 0.1 Lines: 39 "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > I had a dream that the word 'KIBO' kept appearing in various 3-D fonts and > shoving itself in my face. THAT WAS NO DREAM! IT WAS THE FUTURE! Also, were any of the letters made of Cool Whip? I need to know for my homework here at Clown College. Thank you. > Then I dreamnt there were two McDonalds in the same shopping center and > the one for the boats served Chicken. The other one presumably just used regular old Animal Mc57 in their nuggets. By the way, what is the deal with "The Big Extra"? It doesn't seem to be all that big (I think it's the same size as their other mid-range burgers, except that it has "Big" in the name, just like the actually-large Big Mac) and the only impression I get from the TV commercials is that its distinguishing feature is that THE KETCHUP IS ON THE BOTTOM OF THE PATTY NOW. (Industrial accident or clever marketing?) I'm also upset that they had to re-edit that great Dunkin Donuts commercial which actually showed Ronald McDonald (in a non-speaking cameo, from behind.) It depicted him at a breakfast-food trade show (I liked the three guys wearing link sausage hats that were still connected) being P.O.'ed over Dunkin Donuts' new "Omwich". They had to remove him from the commerical, apparently, because the real Ronald McDonald actually was P.O.'ed. LOOK OUT! RONALD IS ANGRY, AND HE'S GOT A GUN! AND AFTER HE KILLS YOU, HE'LL FLIP YOU OVER BECAUSE IT'S BEST TO HAVE THE KETCHUP ON THE BOTTOM! -- K. They had to call it an "Omwich" because it's made from Zen Buddhists and witches, without any sand. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284948 alt.religion.kibology.orthodox:530 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology.orthodox,alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Greek Orhtodox Biptism Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 10:42:09 GMT References: <38df96cf@news.jakinternet.co.uk> Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b164.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 19 In alt.religion.kibology.orthodox, "noname" (stuartyork@redhotant.com) wrote: > > Subject: Greek Orhtodox Biptism Oh, dear. There are so many directions this could go. 1.) I could say something about Walter Koenig's accent. 2.) I could say something about Jo-Anne Worley yelling "YOU BET YOUR BIPPY!" 3.) Or, to avoid doing the obvious, I could say an irrelevant non-sequitur. I choose #4, which is just like #3 only with an extra melon. LOOK! A TINY HOLLOW MELON THAT TASTES LIKE THE INSIDE OF A COMPUTER! --> o -- K. Mmmm, baptism by imaginary melon. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:284949 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: how many severed fingers could be hidden inside YOUR computer? Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Sat, 1 Apr 2000 11:10:05 GMT Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b164.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 125 From the Web site of Dixons, a British computer store. > How did that get in there? The ten most bizarre objects found inside PCs Okay, I'm predicting five lame true stories and five well-known urban legends. > Tuesday 29 February 2000. At this time of year many people are spring > cleaning and some of you may think it's time to give your computer a once > over too. Some things you'd expect to find lurking inside the machine's > casing - dust, eyelashes, fingernails and the odd dead insect, and some > things you wouldn't. > > Experts at the 81 PC World PC Healthcheck clinics, a service offered > in-store by PC World to improve the performance of people's PCs, uncovered > a bizarre collection of objects while checking out customers' PCs > performance. > > These are just some of their findings from over 9000 Healthchecks carried > out from October 1999. > > * Play-do > The customer explained he had caught his son feeding plasticine in to > his PC through the floppy disk drive slot. The machine had been running > with the play-do inside for 18 months seemingly unaffected (Obviously > play-do is safe for both children and PCs to ingest!). This is why they stopped putting floppy drives in Macs. Having worked at a store where random people could walk in and pay to use a Mac, it's clear to me that Apple took out the floppy drive because there were too many people out there saying "Hey! What this slot for? Who care! Me put crescent roll dough in here for safekeeping!" > * A severed finger tip > According to the customer her husband had been installing a graphics > card when the monitor (which had been precariously balanced to one side) > slipped onto the lid forcing the PC casing to slam close severing the tip > of his finger. And they didn't care to take the finger out and take it to the doctor or anything, but getting the _computer_ fixed was a priority. Uh-uh. > * Chicken wishbone > Placed inside the Central Processing Unit (CPU) by a customer to prevent > the machine crashing. And how did he get it inside the CPU? It must have been a very small wishbone if it fit inside a single chip. > * Mouse (deceased) > The PC World technician who discovered the dead rodent believes the mouse > had squirmed into the body of the PC through an empty card slot in a bid > to keep warm. The mouse presumably died from either starvation or > electrocution ...and didn't have the strength to crawl into a Coke bottle. > * Spider (very much alive) > A spider measuring 2 inches across came crawling out of a CPU during > a Healthcheck in Croydon. The insect was destroyed by a fairly shaken > PC World technician and was later identified to be native and not poisonous As opposed to those _other_ kinds of two-inch-wide native British spiders that _are_ poisonous. (They live in beehive hairdos and eat nothing but Bubble Yum.) > * Pot pourri > A customer admitted to placing a small pile of forest scent - pot pourri > inside their PC to, 'improve the machine's smell' HA HA HA! WHAT A LUSER! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT HOT PLASTIC IS THE BEST SMELL THERE IS! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go play with my Mattel Vac-U-Form. > * Love letters > Several love letters were found tucked inside the back of a PC. > The customer denied any knowledge of the author or origin of the letters Were they addressed to the customer, or to the computer? > * Credit card > According to the customer someone using the PC had misinterpreted an > instruction while shopping online and literally inserted her credit card > details by pushing the card into the floppy disk drive slot Uh, yeah. "Credit card number: __________________" on your screen obviously means to push the card into the machine so that you can hold it up behind the blank on the screen and trace it with a magic marker, and then take a photo of the screen with all the numbers drawn on it. And, as everyone knows, it's physically impossible to remove flat rectangular objects from floppy disk drives. > * Diamond ring and knitting needle > Dropped inside the machine by a customer who was conducting her own > PC cleaning. The knitting needle had been employed to try and fish > the ring out but the attempt failed And the knitting needle, well, those are so small it's impossible to get them out. Some of those needles are only nine inches long. It's just too bad that all computers are bolted to the floor so that you can't just turn them upside down and shake them. > * £125 in notes > Discovered by a baffled PC Healthcheck technician and delighted customer > who claimed he'd purchased the second hand PC from a local church fair ...for only £5000. -- K. I used to have a bottle of Liquid Paper wedged in one of my computers to keep the case from creaking. (It was a pizza-box with no support post in the middle under where the monitor sat, and the bottle was just the right height, and who needs correction fluid when you have a real computer?) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:285052 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Rules of thumb for dealing with hot food. Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 06:57:50 GMT Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b146.std.com Organization: http://www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: Marjoe Gortner's Handheld Lissajous Lines: 23 What rules of thumb do you folks operate by when dealing with spicy food? I decided recently that from now on, whenever I have one of those dishes that has one or two hot peppers on top of it for show, I'm going to eat the peppers _first_ and not last. I'M OLD ENOUGH TO BE ALLOWED TO EAT THE GOOD PART FIRST IF I WANT, DAMMIT! Also, it's not a good entree unless it's hot enough to make my nose run. -- K. So why does Tabasco sell so well given that it just tastes like vinegar plus a burning sensation? It's not a tenth as good as any of the other hot sauces that have yummy flavorful peppers. And where does Wendy's get off calling packets of _corn syrup_ "hot sauce"? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Xref: world alt.religion.kibology:285054 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Path: world!kibo From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A Suspicious Bee. Sender: news@world.std.com (Mr Usenet Himself) Message-ID: X-Face: $T[.n?/D[sL]Jpd{Jp66*DCPkYZ-oSm9^Xw`v9eZeo`Bt?*2:Eag<1.o@h?wWD5J*]lxl Date: Mon, 3 Apr 2000 07:05:38 GMT Nntp-Posting-Host: ppp0b146.std.com Organization: www.kibo.com X-Newsreader: MoonBase alpha 0.1 Lines: 18 At a local art-supply store, one of the items on sale waaaaaay in the back, hanging from a peg, was a little doll (six inches long) of a smiling bee holding a shovel... a BLOODY shovel. Also, the bee is wearing false eyelashes and has spherical feet. So, what's the deal with this evil bee? Is it one of the new psycho serial killer bees? -- K. "Soon you'll BEE dead!" -- serial killers would find that funny. Although, I suppose they'd find it just as funny without the bee reference.