Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Oprah Launches 'O' Magazine Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 02:01:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Associated Press broadcast this shocking yet unimportant fact: > > Subject: Oprah Launches 'O' Magazine > > NEW YORK (AP) -- Oprah Winfrey knew she had a problem when a > woman who was interviewing to be the editor of her new magazine > asked the following question: ``I would like to know, who will be > the queen?'' > Obviously, that particular candidate didn't get the job. > There is little question that Winfrey, from her perch in > Chicago, is the reigning monarch of her latest media venture -- > a new magazine that bears her nickname, ``O.'' ...and drifting on the winds blowing across the Atlantic, I can faintly hear the horrified screams of Peter W. Czernich. > Due out on newsstands April 19, O is intended to bring Winfrey's > message of self-determination and empowerment for women, already > widely disseminated over the airwaves, into a magazine format. > She did eventually find an editor in Ellen Kunes who, Winfrey > says, ``has done a good job of not having her ego get in the way > with someone like me, who has such a big mouth.'' > Making sure the point isn't lost, she emphasizes: ``I won't shut > up. I WON'T SHUT UP! That's on the record.'' Today, I, Kibo, I am launching a magazine, >>K<<. You should read >>K<< because I am an obnoxious creep. I AM AN OBNOXIOUS CREEP! I AM AN OBNOXIOUS CREEP! I AM AN OBNOXIOUS CREEP! I AM AN OBNOXIOUS CREEP! I AM AN OBNOXIOUS CREEP! I AM AN OBNOXIOUS CREEP! I AM AN OBNOXIOUS CREEP! It is VERY IMPORTANT for everyone in the world to understand how obnoxious and creepy I am! That's why YOU should read >>K< In order to morph the Oprah phenomenon into the printed word, > Winfrey partnered with Hearst, the publisher of major women's > magazines such as Cosmopolitan and Marie Claire. Hearst is > accustomed to working with partners, putting out SmartMoney with > Dow Jones and Talk with the Miramax film studio. > O will be slightly oversize, about the shape of Martha Stewart > Living, said publisher Alyce Alston. WOW! MARTHA STEWART INVENTED THE RECTANGLE! > The initial print run was planned for 850,000 but was recently > pushed up to 1 million, making it an aggressive launch. > The magazine will be bimonthly for two issues, then monthly > beginning in September. Just as long as they don't eliminate the most popular section, "Polaroids of my wife in an oilcloth mackintosh with welly boots and a sou'wester." However, I vote they do away with "Nuns wearing gasmasks to make it harder to tell that they have Adam's Apples." -- K. I hear that Mike Douglas is taking over "PFIQ", and also watch out for Conan O'Brien's "EasyRider". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Adventures In Shopping & Life Lessons Learned Today Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 05:54:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I woke up a little earlier than usual for my day off and it seemed warm, so I grabbed my camera and laptop computer (I like to write while on the train or bus) and took the #47 bus over to the Broadway subway station, because there were some badly-lettered signs I wanted to preserve for posterity before the proprietors came to their senses and hired a lettering artist who was literate. However, when I got off the bus, it had started to rain pretty hard, so I just went in the subway station and took the Red Line to Andrew station to do some shopping instead. I went to South Bay Plaza, which all local Kibologists know is the home of Kibo's favorite market, the Super 88 Asian grocery store. First I went in the K-Mart to look for various things (footwear -- they were out. Batteries -- they had some I liked. Chocolate bunnies -- I didn't buy any but I needed to photograph more goofy ones for a Web page I'm working on. Did you know they have shrinkwrapped Easter baskets containing orange cones now? Seriously.) I nearly died from exposure to Secondhand Tedium as I waited in the checkout line, listening to everyone else griping about how slow the line was, which made it seem even more tedious than it was. On the way out, I noticed that the K-Mart's array of ten gumball machines no longer had "Sticky Rodents" (which all have hundreds of legs, because any scientist knows that rodents are a subset of centipedes) but they did have one machine (at fifty cents) loaded with gumballs the size of tangerines. I wonder how many kids will be hospitalized with rock-hard chicle-coated billiard balls wedged in their mouth like George Wendt on "M*A*S*H". Then I walked across the plaza to the Toys R Us, because there are always stupid things worth photographing there which I can add to my super-huge Web gallery of dumb toys. (Most of that gallery is in the fourth dimension where you people can't see it just yet.) At the entrance, a large sign told me that I could meet Barbie IN PERSON!!! And she would be SIGNING AUTHOGRAPHS!!! (I wonder if she'll sign her last name.) The sign explained that Barbie would be appearing in person simultaneously at every Toys R Us store from 10:00 to 2:00 on April 15 and exhorted me to bring my camera. I had been feeling depressed about how taxes are due on April 17th this year because April 15th is a Saturday, and thus there wouldn't be as entertaining a circus to photograph at 11:55pm on April 15th at the post office (I figure that half the procrastinators will show up at 11:55 on the 15th and half on the 17th) so this gave me a reason to feel good about the 15th again -- now I have something stupid on my calendar for that day. I can photograph a random bleached-blonde trying to look like a doll while little kids ask her how she really feels about Ken. (I'll try not to heckle the poor girl too much.) In the back of the toy store, I noticed that they were rearranging everything (the baby toys are moving away from the front, and all the violence toys are now along the far side to force you to walk past all the Easy-Bake ovens to get to the non-educational exploding toys) and because half their stock was missing (or at least hidden) I didn't take many photos. However, they did have an item at clearance price in the middle of the baby toys -- suction-cupped yellow diamond-shaped car window signs that said "VIRTUAL PET ON BOARD", with a picture of a Tamagotchi. Would you believe these were marked down to fifty cents from three whole dollars? (With your savings, you could buy five gumballs!) I carefully set down my laptop computer on the shelf of radio-controlled miniature Jet-Skis and snapped a photo or two of the sign which used to be dumb back when anyone would have cared but now is merely a sad relic of a bygone age, when kids were under the delusion that Tamagotchis were the most important thing in the world. On my way out, I noticed that Toys R Us's collection of vending machines included "Sticky Rodents". Then I went next door to OfficeMax to look for maps of Minneapolis, which they didn't have, and then I went into Marshalls to look for boots, again unsuccessfully. (They have men's, women's, and children's clothes, but apparently they feel only women need shoes.) They had also eliminated the rack of super-cheap old computer software ("Works with Windows 3.1 AND Windows 95!") which had always baffled me ("Hey, here's an idea. Let's sell clothes AND a little bit of remaindered shovelware.") I was sad to see it go because their selection of throwawayware was even more laughable than OfficeMax's. (They once had a multi-language dictionary disk that had flags on the box to indicate what languages it covered, and I learned that Canadian is now a language. I'm glad they finally stopped with that whole English vs. French thing and cooked up a language of their own.) After OfficeMax, I noticed that in front of the Super Stop & Shop the Chamber of Commerce had installed one of those solid brass nineteen-inch LCD touchscreen information kiosks just like the one in front of the Boston Public Library that Don Saklad can't use to post to the Internet. I walked through the Super Stop & Shop to use their restroom, and then walked around the annoying fence to go to the more interesting market of equal size, the Super 88. On the way in, I noticed that their cluster of gumball machines not only included "Lick'n Erasers" (candy shaped like pencil erasers -- mmm, tastes like it's been rubbed in graphite!) but also "Buddha Buddy's". "Buddha Buddy's" are little plastic dolls of Buddhist monks (collect 'em all!) in different poses. (One is playing baseball and one is sucking on a pacifier. I never realized it before, but Buddhist monks are WEIRD!) I swear I didn't intend to go around looking at gumball machines all afternoon, but the Super 88 had them right between the shopping carts and shopping baskets, and so I had to look at the gum machines while trying to decide whether to push my computer and camera and K-Mart batteries around in a cart or throw them into a little red basket and not have much room for food. And while I was putting my batteries and camera and computer into the basket, I realized I didn't have my computer. I remembered setting it down in Toys R Us and I remembered not buying or photographing anything in OfficeMax or Marshalls (which would have meant setting my computer down) so I figured I must have left it in Toys R Us. While I ran back across the plaza to see if it was still there, I realized that last weekend I had decided not to make backups of my data until next weekend, even though that decision invariably leads to your computer exploding, falling onto sharpened concrete, or being left on top of the remote-controlled Jet-Skis in a toy store. So, let me say this to everyone: BACK UP YOUR DATA NOW, DAMMIT!!! OR I PROMISE YOU'LL BE SORRY!!! TO ENCOURAGE YOU TO BACK UP YOUR DATA RIGHT NOW I SWEAR THAT TOMORROW I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND SMASH YOUR COMPUTER!!! I'm usually pretty good about making periodic backups, but from now on I'm going to adopt the rule "Any time you wonder whether or not you should make a backup, you should make a backup." In any case, my computer was still on the Jet-Ski shelf, so I picked it up and moseyed back to the Super 88. They didn't have the horseradish-flavored crispy fried peas I wanted, and they were still out of the good kind of frozen chicken fried rice (I had to settle for the ketchup-flavored kind) but I did discover some beef-flavored cookies shaped like spiral hypnodiscs (they truly do make me say "MMM, BEEFY!") and some Japanese hard candy made from sweetened tomato juice (bleccccch. A little ketchup in fried rice is okay, but it in candy form is vile.) I also picked up various things that didn't taste vile. I paid for my purchases, went home, and ate them while watching the TV-movie remake of "The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes" (Frank Welker wasn't in this version, so it was no fun at all.) Later, I needed to go out again to get new gallon of drinking water (I refuse to drink the tap water in this city, with good reason) and it was about 10:30, so I decided to ride the Green Line downtown and go to the 24-hour 7-Eleven in the theater district. (The one at Brigham Circle closes by 10:45, because no 7-Eleven opens at 7 and closes at Eleven any more. And I didn't feel like going to the one in the hospital district.) So, I got off at Boylston station and walked to the 24-hour 7-Eleven. I needed cash, so I swiped my card through the slot of the ATM that was there and asked it for $100. It said "PLEASE WAIT, YOUR TRANSACTION IS BEING PROCESSED." Then it still said "PLEASE WAIT, YOUR TRANSACTION IS BEING PROCESSED." Five minutes later, it stopped saying "PLEASE WAIT, YOUR TRANSACTION IS BEING PROCESSED" and said (in smaller letters) "TIMEOUT ERROR." So, I didn't have any money, and I'd have to go elsewhere to get some before I could buy stuff. On the way out, I encountered an obnoxiously pushy panhandler. If you go to convenience stores in a big city, you may have become familiar with several people in your neighborhood who hold the door open for you on your way out in hopes that this valuable service will be appreciated. This guy had a different tack. As I walked to the door, he opened it and stood in the doorway to block it. I guess I was expected to pay a toll if I ever wanted to leave. So, since this guy was being a jerk, I decided I wanted as little interaction with him as possible. I squeezed past him. As I left, he asked me for money. I said, "Sorry." He said, "Hope you die tomorrow!" It took me about a quarter of a second to estimate the probability of premature death of both myself and a typical crackhead, leaving me with enough time to smile sweetly before the door closed behind me. So, today's lessons are -- for you: BACK UP YOUR COMPUTER'S DATA, DAMMIT! and for the pushy panhandler: YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN WITH YOUR PEA-SIZED BRAIN, YOU STICKY RODENT! -- K. If I meet the obnoxious guy again and if he says "Hope you die tomorrow!" I'm going to say "Hope you don't die for a LONG time, of a very slow yet painful disease." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures In Shopping & Life Lessons Learned Today Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 09:01:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Earlier in the week, I wrote about a trip to a "convenience" store: > > I needed cash, so I swiped my card through the slot of the ATM that > was there and asked it for $100. It said "PLEASE WAIT, YOUR TRANSACTION > IS BEING PROCESSED." > > Five minutes later, it stopped saying "PLEASE WAIT, YOUR TRANSACTION > IS BEING PROCESSED" and said (in smaller letters) "TIMEOUT ERROR." > So, I didn't have any money, and I'd have to go elsewhere to get some > before I could buy stuff. And guess what? After I walked up the street to a different ATM (which worked, because it was owned by my bank) to withdraw the $100, I have now discovered that my bank statement shows $101 withdrawal from the convenience-store ATM $1.50 service charge from the convenience-store ATM $100 withdrawal from the working ATM So, I got ripped off to the tune of $102.50 by the 7-Eleven's dysfunctional, no-name ATM. What do you think the chances are that when I call the bank and say "Hey, your records show I used an ATM, but no money ever came out" they will just laugh heartily and say, "Oh, yeah, like we're supposed to give you $100 just because you asked us to?" -- K. Tune in tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures In Shopping & Life Lessons Learned Today Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 00:45:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "spot the robot", who apparently doesn't have an E-mail address, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I got ripped off to the tune of $102.50 by the 7-Eleven's > > dysfunctional, no-name ATM. > > Why did this possibility not occur to you in the 7-11, Kibo? > > You are not paranoid enough. That is why. You just THINK I'm not paranoid! I'm so paranoid I'm making YOU hallucinate! > [...] > > Anyway, I expect the 7-11 corporation knows how many hundred dollar bills > it put in that machine, and can figure out that there is currently one > more hundred dollar bill in that machine than there ought to be at the > current time, given the record of your transaction. Oh, yes, at the current time. If you were truly as paranoid as you are trying to make me suspect that you are, you would know that this ATM now claims I took the money out at 2:41 AM. This makes me wonder how I got there and back, given that Boston's rapid- transit system shuts down before the bars close at 2 AM (which is why you NEVER see any drunken people on the Green Line) unless, of course, the machine is lying about the time. WHICH IT WOULD ALSO BE DOING ABOUT HOW MANY BILLS ARE *SUPPOSED* TO BE THERE! > So you should call the 7-11 corporation and demand your hundred dollars > back from them. I don't know about the other dollar though. That was > probably a service charge. You don't get all this convenience for free > you know. I called the bank and was transferred to the ATM division of customer service, and the first item on the voice menu was to dispute an ATM charge (they told me this happens fairly often.) I then heard them fighting with their computer for quite a while. "She won't give it up," the nice person told me while banging hundreds of keys in a fight with the evil other bank which puts dysfunctional ATMs with dysfunctional clocks in dysfunctional convenience stores. They eventually hammered out all the details for the ATM dispute/fraud/UFO report and told me that Federal law gives them up to 45 days to research this before refunding me if I'm not an evil scammer, but if the bank hasn't settled this matter in 10 days they will issue me a "provisional credit". (I guess that means "We're giving you this money now but you're not allowed to use it until we REALLY give it to you later.") At one point they offered me $103, but being a nice person, I pointed out that I only deserved $102.50. I don't want to scam the good people at 7-Eleven out of fifty cents (I'll just crush one of the little bags of potato chips next time I'm in there.) > Of course, you could be lying to us now about whether the hundred dollars > came out. It doesn't seem too likely, but then, a guy who would stoop so > low as to try to scam a hundred dollars out of 7-11 is probably capable > of practically anything. But, then, wouldn't I have made the story MUCH COOLER? I am incapable of telling a lie that's NOT SUFFICIENTLY COOL. Like, when the panhandler told me "I hope you die tomorrow!" I would have jammed him into the ATM's slot and then cross-wired the nozzles of the Slurpee dispenser to spray the store employees with nitric acid, and then I would have blown up the store by pushing the secret "NUCLEAR BOMB" button combo on the convenience store microwave ("SANDWICH" plus "BURRITO" equals "NUCLEAR BOMB") and then I would have outrun the nuclear blast while riding my hoverdactyl. -- K. And then I would have taken a big bite of an El Taco and yelled, "MMM, BEEFY!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures In Shopping & Life Lessons Learned Today Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 06:36:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In any case, my computer was still on the Jet-Ski shelf, so I picked > > it up and moseyed back to the Super 88. > > Today's lesson: Never put a pricetag on your computer. Actually, want to know the REAL reason no kids picked it up in the toy store? I keep my notebook computer in a zipper case designed for _school_ notebooks. (Nine bucks. The three rings in those things are attached to a piece of cardboard that slides right out, then you can put your computer into a perfectly-sized super-cheap carrying case that says "MEAD FIVE STAR" on the side. It's a shame they don't still make "THE TRAPPER KEEPER" because I would use one of those because I like saying "THE TRAPPER KEEPER". Especially when I'm talking about psychotic stalkers who keep Wayne Rogers in a big jar in their basement.) -- K. I keep *my* Wayne Rogers in a Zip-Loc bag. Yellow and blue make NO ESCAPE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Rules of thumb for dealing with hot food. Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 06:21:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What rules of thumb do you folks operate by when dealing with spicy food? > > I try to NOT eat my thumb. What's the question again? See, that's the problem. Parents try to discourage thumb-sucking by putting cayenne pepper on baby's widdle thumbs, and years later they just wind up with a grown-up thumb-sucker who likes spicy food. As to why you can't remember the question, I don't know, but it hardly seems fair to tease you about your poor memory in light of your thumb-sucking problem. Nowadays they sell some sort of bitter chemical stuff that you're supposed to use instead. I say they should just glue an eggplant to the kid's thumbs. No kids like eggplant! There are even "educational" video games like "Pajama Sam 2" that teach kids that eggplant is yucky. This is one reason I really like eggplant. Because I am the only one, I get to keep all the enjoyment to myself without having to share the mental state with lots of random bozos. > > I decided recently that from now on, whenever I have one of those dishes > > that has one or two hot peppers on top of it for show, I'm going to eat > > the peppers _first_ and not last. > > Yes, but watch out for those green, vinegar-soaked peppers that might show > up at your neighborhood Greek restaurant. Apparently, they're soaked in a > mixture of brine and special, industrial-grade vinegar. HA! You want to talk industrial-grade vinegar? I used to work with the concentrated acetic acid that you had to water down by a factor of 10 to turn it into ordinary deadly photo chemicals. As I said in January, this is why I can't eat "Salt & Vinegar Flavored" potato chips (because of the synthetic acetic acid which smells like photo chemicals, not normal impure vinegar.) -- K. For those of you who need more spicy food, I have a little box of Pakistani spice mix for fried brains (yes, really) which is powerful enough to actually make you not notice the brains (or so I would assume, as I've only tried it on beans. It's very very hot.) However, the hottest powder I know is still the mysterious beige powder labelled only in Chinese which comes in the tin can with a bomb on the side. I have no idea what kind of pepper this is from, but I will wager the powder is almost 100% capsaicin. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Rules of thumb for dealing with hot food. Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 06:45:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > [...discussion of spicy food and prostitution...] > > I stayed at the Golden Gate hotel in Bangkok in 1984. The Golden Gate Hotel in Las Vegas is better because it has a sign where each letter is individually changing from italic to upright to blackslanted to upright to italic over and over through the use of heavy-duty moving parts. There are lots of other signs that switch neon tubes or light bulbs on and off to animate them, and a few others where part of the sign is motorized to make the naked legs kick or whatever, but this is the only sign I have ever seen where the letters themselves physically dance around. Incidentally, the Golden Gate Hotel was recently "completely remodeled in the style of the early 1900's" to undo the modernization they installed in the 1930s -- the hotel dates from 1906, back when Las Vegas was slightly less wacky than it is now. Why, I think they didn't even have the Luxor pyramid back then! (The monorails just tooled around all these huge vacant lots.) -- K. The Golden Gate Hotel is so old that they don't even have a Web site! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Isn't technology wonderful? Date: Wed, 5 Apr 2000 22:12:59 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp I ordered a new digital camera a few days ago. It's not available in the United States yet, so it's on back-order. According to the mail-order company, here's the status of my pending order: -> COOLPIX 990 2048X1536 3X DIGIC -> Product backordered (ETA: Apr 18 2000 12:00:00:000AM) I will be so mad if I have to wait until 12:00:00:001 A.M. for my camera. Maybe it will arrive early at 11:59:59:999 P.M. Or slightly less early at 11:99:99:999 P.M. Still, I'm glad to know that parcel delivery can now be timed to the microsecond, even though the government forces clock manufacturers to cover up the last three digits of our nation's time! This high-tech temporal precision makes me wonder why some TV shows still begin three or four minutes before others at random. (I always set my VCR to record "7:57 to 8:33" or whatever, because I like seeing the credits, and hey, my clock is probably wrong too.) Do you know how TBS advertises all their programs as beginning at 8:05, 9:05, etc.? Well, truth be told, they're not doing this just to stand out in "TV Guide" or give you an extra five minutes to make popcorn, they're just covering their butts because TV stations can't keep time! Also, if you were in some sort of natural disaster or terrorist attack, would you try to cover your butt or would you have a more important body part? We could determine the relative values of body parts by looking at lawsuit judgments. Which costs more, an arm or a leg? Should losing two arms be worth twice as much as one arm, or more? Which body part is the cheapest per cubic centimeter? And how did the Bionic Man lift those cars without his real arm, his spine, and his real leg shattering into millions of pieces from the compression? Why didn't his feet get squished six inches into the ground? And how could he see anything with that crosshair superimposed on his fovea at all times? How did he hear his eye beeping? Could his eye hear? Did that mean he could see out of his ear? Wouldn't that be gross? -- K. "The Andy Rooney Of The Internet(TM)" And what would happen if Will Rogers got into a fight with Andy Rooney? Who would win? Would Will Rogers like Andy Rooney? Does Andy Rooney have an evil twin who uses the pen name "Mickey Hardy"? What's the deal with Judy Garland? And where's my digital camera? How do you tell if midnight is A.M. or P.M.? Why won't this article let me stop writing it? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Isn't technology wonderful? Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 01:26:55 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp "robert lindsay" (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I ordered a new digital camera a few days ago. It's not available in > > the United States yet, so it's on back-order. According to the mail-order > > company, here's the status of my pending order: > > > > -> COOLPIX 990 2048X1536 3X DIGIC > > -> Product backordered (ETA: Apr 18 2000 12:00:00:000AM) > > WAHHH!!!! Kibo's got ANOTHER NEW TOY! AND I DON"T! IT'S NOT FAIR! I don't have it yet! They just charged me for it in advance of it being manufactured next month. I ordered four items, the three of which were in stock have been shipped -- but they've charged my credit card for all four, including the nonexistent camera which pushed the price into four digits. Isn't this blatantly illegal? Will they give me a refund at the end of time if it camera NEVER ships? I don't think I'm ever going to order from these people again. Also, I WANT MY CAMERA! > I want a Digital cam (A DEC CAM would be OK) and a DV movie camera also, > because steve jobs said it's OK to want desktop video right now. > 15 years ago the amiga tried to get everybody to want desktop video also, > but we were all too busy dancing to Wham! and winning the cold war and stuff. Most digital still cameras can kind of make little movies (tiny QuickTime or MPEGs) and most digital video cameras can kind of take still pictures (which look like freeze-frames of video) but I always recommend to people who want a reasonably good video camera and a reasonably good still camera to buy separate cameras. You can get a really good digital still camera these days for $500-$1000, or a passable light-duty one for $150-$250. (Or the Barbie one for $60.) > > [...WORLD'S LARGEST SEGUE...] > > > > We could determine the relative values of body parts by looking at > > lawsuit judgments. Which costs more, an arm or a leg? Should losing > > two arms be worth twice as much as one arm, or more? Which body part > > is the cheapest per cubic centimeter? > > In Archie's case, I'd guess the brane, but in most people, it's gotta be > the butt, bob. I think pockets of vapor inside the lower intestine would be worth the least per cubic centimeter. However, you could get the most of them if you're buying by the pound. "On our planet, flatulence is measured by weight, not auditory volume!" > > Why won't this article let me stop writing it? > > it's creeppy, I tell, ya. Now that it's gone, I can talk freely -- that article was STALKING ME! Worse, it was CYBER-STALKING ME! Being stalked over the Internet is a million times worse than being stalked in real life because it's all CYBER and stuff! -- K. This article is search-engine bombing Mr. Jonas Q. Searchenginebombing! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ... PANTY FINGER-PAINTING ... Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 06:05:33 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.sex, alt.sex.fetish.panties, alt.sex.fetish.wet-and-messy, and alt.sex.phone, PantyBabes@aol.com spamvertised: > > Candy Pink. > Raspberry Blue. > Peachy Orange. > Licorice Black. > Lemon Yellow. > > Finger-painting inside our panties. Wow, Apple will try anything to sell more computers these days. -- K. I appreciate the distinction between 'licorice' and 'candy'. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bush claims victory in non-existent Kansas primary Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 06:17:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com United Press International has disseminated: > > AUSTIN, Texas, April 5 (UPI) - It must be habit. > Campaign workers for George W. Bush issued a statement > Wednesday thanking voters in Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Kansas for > giving him Republican primary victories. > Just one problem. The Kansas primary was canceled back in > February. > "Thank you Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Kansas," Bush said in a > statement issued Wednesday morning. The statement said the victories > added "to a groundswell of grass-roots support for his campaign to the > White House." The he thanked the country of Japan Jr. for bombing Pearl Harbor Jr. on April 5. THAT JOKE WOULD BE REALLY FUNNY IF YOU WERE CRAZY! IT'S TO A CLANG ASSOCIATION WHAT A CLANG ASSOCIATION IS TO AN ACTUAL PUN! > "Actually, there's a technical term for that news release. It > is called a goof," Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer told CBSNews.com. > Fleischer said a campaign staffer looked at a chart that said Kansas was > supposed to hold a primary April 4. The chart apparently never had been > updated. Well, I hope they fix it before NEXT April's primaries! > Kansas lawmakers voted to cancel the presidential primary Feb. > 2 because of the $1.5 million price tag. Lawmakers said an April 4 > primary was just held too late to have any impact on the nominating > process. In other words, George W. Bush and Al Gore have each already bogarted a majority of their party's delegates and the only way that Bill Bradley or John McCain could get nominated at this point would be for a very specially-shaped meteor to crush Bush, Gore, 51% of party delegates, and the part of the Constitution that says that you have to have 51% of the delegates, so Kansas realized that because they were both running unnoposed at this point due to THE MAJORITY OF VOTES ALREADY CAST, they could do something intelligent and put their money to good use buying straps to hold down the farmhouses so that the gray muslin tornadoes don't suck them straight up over the rainbow to where the Oompa-Loompas have their day jobs as Munchkins. > Instead, two lawmakers set up a Web side where voters could > participate in a "pretend" primary for the Republican, Democratic and > Reform parties -- > and vote up to four times. The site was open through Tuesday. And then after it closed you were only allowed to vote three more times. > Both Bush and Vice President Al Gore easily won their > respective primaries in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania. Yes, but I won my irrespective primary. -- K. Play-Doh still comes in all the primary colors: boring, tedious, napworthy, and bogusprimarymadeupbyjuniorbush. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: futz. Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 06:48:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Hey. > > So our computer at home is in the shop. [...] > > Its last words were "Loading Windows98 You Think So, Asshole". > Then it started making noises that sounded like Don Martin wrote them. That's what you get for not having an operating system that's Y2K-ready. You should switch from Windows 98 to Windows 1998 and then you'll be up-to-date. Except for two years. But who needs them? They're full of Pokemon! > In other news, I just sneezed myself sideways. Well, I'm all dizzy > (more than usual, she says passing around the Obvious Bag for comic > effect) anyhow, and now my ears are ringing. It sounds like far away > kabuki music. So... it's very far away... but inside your own head. Leah, how many zeppelins do you have parked inside your humongous head? > While I was watching TV the other day (I was watching that crocodile > guy who yells at you constantly) a giant cute and fuzzy bumblebee > found his way indoors and bounced off of my leg. With this maneuver, > he announced to me that it's Official Bumblebee Season and that i'm > not allowed to touch the rhodedendrons until July. Do not touch the rhododendrons, icosahedges, tetraheliotrope, or cuboctahedrose bushes. May contain edges AND vertices! Snub dodecaherb not for use by left-handed people. This sentence mentions liverwort. > (If you recall, last year I got stung horribly. Okay, once. And i'm > not allergic to bee stings. But it was still horrible. Or at least > mildly annoying.) It wasn't that annoying, we just skipped the second half of the article. -- K. I forgot to say this while I was talking about garden flowers and geometry: "Lattice rectum". YOU'RE WELCOME! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: futz. Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 04:28:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > > > Hey. > > > > > > So our computer at home is in the shop. [...] > > > > > > In other news, I just sneezed myself sideways. Well, I'm all dizzy > > > (more than usual, she says passing around the Obvious Bag for comic > > > effect) anyhow, and now my ears are ringing. It sounds like far away > > > kabuki music. > > > > So... it's very far away... but inside your own head. > > > > Leah, how many zeppelins do you have parked inside your humongous head? > > My head may be large, but it's merely tremendous next to Pacheco's > ego. Often I take one of my candy-colored brain zeppelins over to > Dave's Ego to watch it pummel his Id into submission. Real Men have solid black or chrome Brain Zeppelins, and not Tangerine, Grape, Lime, Strawberry, Blueberry, Bondi, Aqua, or Graphite ones. Raspberry is an okay Brain Zeppelin color, but only if you pronounce it "Rabzerry". Also, real Brain Zeppelins do NOT contain NutraSweet. > > > [...] I'm not allowed to touch the rhodedendrons until July. > > > > Do not touch the rhododendrons, icosahedges, tetraheliotrope, > > or cuboctahedrose bushes. May contain edges AND vertices! > > Snub dodecaherb not for use by left-handed people. This sentence > > mentions liverwort. > > dude, that be some fiiiiiiiine dodecaherb. Too bad I'm left-handed! > Wah! > Kibo gave me clematis! BEWARE THE PREYING CLAMANTIS! HE'S A BUG FILLED WITH SEAFOOD JUICE! HE'S AN EXTRA-UNKOSHER BUG! There's a Japanese noodle restaurant down the street that has both "vegetarian" and "non-vegetarian" lunch specials. Isn't there some single word that means "non-vegetarian"? ...like, "normal"? > So we get our computer back tonight. > Here is today's lesson: > Do not let my brother anywhere NEAR your computers. > Ever. > At all costs. > > If he says he's going to flash the bios, it means he's going to rip > everything out of your system and fling in haphazardly around the room. I hear Don Saklad likes to put on a filthy trenchcoat and flash all the bios in section 921 of the library! (Also, "921" is what you dial on the phone to report a Library Emergency.) > And here's today's BONUS lesson: > When your computer wants to run Scandisk because, once again, it > wouldn't shut down properly ... let it run the stupid glass of > Scandisk. You misspelled "fscking glass of Scandisk". Hope this nerd joke helps. > New Motherboard: 100 dollars > New 8.5 gig drive: 150 dollars. > Flinging a computer out Melissa's fire escape window: Priceless Have you considered backups? I have two computers attached to the Internet here, so if one ever breaks, I can just use the one that's two megahertz slower. Plus I read Usenet on both of them so I get to read all your articles _twice_ before they go away. -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go paint a transparent plastic scab onto my toe with the stinky little brush in the New-Skin bottle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: futz. Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 01:09:25 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Logan Shaw (logan@cs.utexas.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > Hardware requirements for Worm Wrestle were (1) don't bend the little > metal worms, and (2) a "D" cell. Or really, a decent-sized stash of "D" > cells. So I guess that was a different thing. > > A picture of Worm Wrestle for your enjoyment: > > > -------------------------- > | | > | / | > | \ | > | / | > | \ | > | / | > | \ | > | / | > | \/\o\/\/\/\/\/\/| > | / | > | \ | > | / | > | \ | > | | > | | > | | > -------------------------- That doesn't do it justice. Well, the vertical worm looks right. But the worms need to be flying across the room hitting people in the eye. I had Worm Wrestle, I played with it for about five minutes before I bent all the worms just to ensure that nobody would ever play with it again. The game, for those of you unfamiliar with Worm Wrestle, was a small red plastic wrestling ring. Well, okay, it wasn't a ring, it was a box. There was a little magnet in the middle of it, attached directly to the spindle of a high-speed motor, the sort that would normally power a blender. There were four pastel-colored worms crudely stamped out of sheet steel, with sharp zigzag edges. You would turn it on and the motor would whirl them around and eventually one would go flying out of the ring, hopefully never to be seen again. As Logan said, the rules were something like "Don't bend the worms. Also stand back. The End." It was made by Parker Brothers in 1976. 1976 was the single lowest point in pop culture -- the year before "Star Wars" and "Saturday Night Fever" but the Bicentennial was in full swing. So you had all the worst of seventies tackiness without the high points of seventies culture. I did an AltaVista search for "Worm Wrestle" and found NO Web pages that mention Worm Wrestle. So when this article shows up in www.kibo.com/rawdata next week, it will get 100% of the hits from people looking for Worm Wrestle! Yay! A HotBot search turned up three items. The first, believe it or not, was a page explaining how to hold a "What Would Jesus Do?" camp. -> Loving the Unlovely -> -> This role-play uses three characters: Joe Director (leader of the -> group); Gunky Gertrude (dirty, unmatched clothing, out of style); -> Mod Mary (fashionable, neat, pretty). -> -> Joe is getting ready for the youth meeting to start when Gunky -> Gertrude walks in. Joe says hello, but then keeps busy setting up -> chairs, etc., ignoring Gertrude. She follows him around -> relentlessly, telling him about her dayŃshe got a "D" in Home Ec., -> went to a worm wrestle after school, lost a chess tournament, got -> to buy lunch at school instead of taking a bag lunch. Joe is cold -> toward her. -> -> Mod Mary arrives. Joe greets her with a big smile and handshake. -> He asks her questions and listens sympathetically. He invites her -> to have dinner with his family that week. Gertrude tries to join -> in on the conversation, but is not acknowledged by Joe and Mary. -> Mary sits down. Gertrude looks for a seat, but they are all taken. -> Joe suggests that she sit on the floor on the far end of the -> circle. Joe and Mary enthusiastically start singing, "We Are One -> in the Spirit." Gertrude sits with a dejected, puzzled look on her -> face. -> -> Lead the group in discussing their response to the role-play by -> asking these questions: How did you feel toward Joe, Gertrude, and -> Mary? Did anyone identify with one of the characters? Should any -> of them have acted differently? How? What would Jesus have done? -> Have you seen this type of behavior in our group? What can you -> personally do to prevent it? I want to know whether Jesus would attend a Worm Wrestle. And how much he'd pay to get in. -- K. I live by the code, "What Would Worm Wrestle Do?" "WWWWD?" teaches me to solve all life's problems by whirring around real fast and flying under the couch. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological baybee names Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 07:30:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (moldau@earthlink.net) wrote: > > Today we got an announcement that one of our coworkers had a baybee. > (Seeing how my company was bought last week, I now have about 220 > coworkers. Still, it's strange that anyone who chooses a career in > software could spawn.) > > They named the kid Cooper. > > Cooper is ok. I personally like Optima or Garamond better for a boy, > though Futura has a nice millenial ring to it. I like "Fupper Fono" and "Geometric Lemon". I've never seen them, but they have super-groovy names. And then there's "Gill Sans Double Elefans". -- K. Ever notice that the Cooper Tires logo is in Cooper Black? When you're picking fonts due to their coincidental names, you really could be replaced by a computer program that does graphic design randomly. (You can buy it now, it's called "RandomEye". End of all culture predicted.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological baybee names Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 07:34:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Schwa Love" (schwa242@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "red" (moldau@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > > They named the kid Cooper. > > > > Cooper is ok. I personally like Optima or Garamond better for a boy, > > though Futura has a nice millenial ring to it. > > At least he's not named Helvetica, or else Kibo would beat him up and steal > his lunch money every recess. I'm not that mean! I don't feel the need to beat kids senseless while I'm turning them upside down and shaking them until their lunch money falls out! Although, if you were to tell me that the kid's full name were "Helvetican Flair", I might reconsider. -- K. Helvetican Flair is a font of stubby block letters with sharp corners, plus pasted-on curly-girly deedlie swashes. Phototype made it possible for anyone to be a type designer if they were high enough. Now, you gotta know how to use a computer, so we're getting bad fonts designed by NERDS instead of by STONED HIPPIES. (The hippies did better work.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological baybee names Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 01:31:46 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Karlo Takki (ktakki@artcrime.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Phototype made it possible for anyone to be a type designer > > if they were high enough. > > Dude, chill out. You're harshing my buzz. Whoa like sorry Captain Bringdown I didn't mean to interrupt your little power trip there in your Plastic Fantastic world that doesn't have like yellow submarines and cool shit and is like that stuff in The Wall The Movie and stuff not cool man hey there's a Cheech And Chong movie with like a giant joint in it someone told me man. > p.s.: Wow, didja ever try to put a serif on an "O"? One of my favorite nineteenth-century fonts has an "O" with serifs at all four corners. -- K. Thus proving that pi equals 2 if you don't count serifs when measuring pi. Serifs count towards the cosine. What would the Riemann Zeta function look like with serifs? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God and curses Date: Thu, 6 Apr 2000 08:00:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Using praying to God I have tried to create a curse against most or all > physics theories God sent to me. Hi Kurt! Glad to see you're back! Hope you stay a while before leaving forever again! You need a HUG! > Curses tend not to stop. Abraham was not fair to a girl and a child. God > created a curse to make things fair. There was always going to be fighting > for the land that God gave Moses and people who followed Moses. I guess > when God creates a curse against a person the curse haunts the family of > the person for 3 or 4 generations. > > I think curses tend to haunt people who are associated with people who are > cursed. > In the Bible God got mad at dishonest people. God killed people associated > with 2 cities. There were cities around those 2 cities. People associated > with cities around the dishonest people were killed. > > I guess God will punish people just because they are around dishonest > people. I think God will punish people who are associated with dishonest > people. > > It probably is true that a curse created by God against my theories will > destroy people who are around any person who talks about any of my theories > or uses any of my theories. The curse will make them fail any college physics test where they employ your theories. > Some of my theories that probably have a curse against them are how does > gravity get out of a black hole, how does an electric field get out of a > black hole and how does a magnetic field get out of a black hole. Constant > was probably the first person to say that gravitons are tachyons. I did > not know Constant created that theory. God sent to me that theory a long > time after Constant said it. But because of me that theory got a lot of > attention. Because of that I think God has created a curse against it. Maybe God is cursed. Ever think of that? > It would be good if a curse destroyed any person around any person who > talks about any of my theories. So, SHUT UP ABOUT THEM ALREADY! What are you trying to do, curse all of us? Go take your curse cooties elsewhere! Also, YOU NEED A HUG from a NON-CURSED PERSON! Too bad we can't give you one now that you've contaminated all of us with your cursed theories. > Good people do not associate with bad people. > > Good people need to do their small part to fight the big group of bad > people. > > God will punish the whole group if some of the people who make up the group > are bad. When Saul was in charge of a country God kept water away from the > country for a long time. When Jessabell was in charge of the same country > God kept water > away from the country for a long time. > > I think God created a curse a long time ago against these physics groups. > God may be created a curse because dishonest people insulted people and > people answered dishonest people. May be God will punish most people who > write articles for these physics groups. GOD HATES THE INTERNET!!! > Good people tend not to come to these physics groups. > Good people tend to leave these physics groups. People who know a lot tend > not to come to these physics groups. A lot of slime come to these physics > groups. A lot of slime stay with these physics groups. There is a lot of > fighting. There are a lot of insults. The information is bad. People got > what they are suppose to get. It is good. So, you're saying that I am supposed to be insulting you? Which I am not doing, by the way. I am your only friend. You need a SUPER HUG. You need a HUGGY-WUG, yes you do. I WOULDN'T INSULT YOU EVEN IF YOU BEGGED ME TO, YOU NITWIT! > God sends to people what they ask for. 1 law of God is that people get > what they are suppose to. God will use a curse to punish people, create > justice and make things fair. > > I tell girls I do not want to kiss any girl who has the blood of animals in > her mouth and the bodies of animals between her teeth. A girl who is sexy > does not have the blood of animals in her mouth and the bodies of animals > between her teeth. So, your girlfriend's tongue is swollen with gangrene from the tourniquet she tied around it to keep all the blood out of it? -- K. I will not kiss any girl who hugs Kurt Stocklmeir, unless she hugs him with her foot. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God and curses Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 07:46:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > God wanted people to be able to see stars. That is a present from God. It > is probably true the earth is about 6000 years old and the universe is > about 6000 years old. God made light get to people. If he wants us to get light, why doesn't he let let blind people see it? And why doesn't he let us catch it with butterfly nets? Also, if God has X-ray vision to see through walls, how come the X-rays don't just go right through his head? Are his retinas made of solid lead? And if so, does he ever accidentally change them into gold? Hey, what would happen if King Midas shook hands with God? > God told angels, Adam and Eve how to talk. I do not know any thing about > it. AND THE OBVIOUS BAG POPS OPEN AND TEN BAZILLION NUCLEAR DANCING BEARS OF OBVIOUSNESS PRANCE ACROSS THE SCREEN WHILE EACH PLAYING SIX KAZOOS THAT EMIT STREAMS OF INVISIBLE BUTTERFLIES THAT TASTE BETTER THAN CHICKEN! > a thing athing all things allthings any thing anything every thing > everything back ground background black body blackbody some thing something Help, I'm trapped in a shiny echo chamber made entirely from Philip Glass! Would someone please turn down the Dymaxion Music? ( DO do YOU you FEEL feel BOXED boxed IN in AND and SPACED spaced OUT out ? . ) > I know the distance between stars. I know how big a galaxy is. I know how > big the universe is. Okay, I'm game for a larf. Kurt, exactly how big is the Universe inside that tiny little world of yours? -- K. Is it bigger than a breadbox? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Ad Roach Frightens Viewers Date: Fri, 7 Apr 2000 06:50:38 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > ATLANTA (AP) -- The Orkin company is really bugging folks. > Television ads for the pest-control firm that feature a > realistic-looking cockroach scurrying across the screen have left > some viewers laughing, others upset and a few broken TVs. > ``Apparently, when you're sitting in your darkened den it seems > pretty real,'' said Michael Lollis, executive creative director at > the Atlanta office of J. Walter Thompson, which created the ads. IT SEEMS EVEN REALER THAN THE REST OF THE SITCOMS ON MY TV!!! > A woman from Greensboro, Md., said she woke up two neighbors > late at night to come to her house to hunt and kill the roach until > one of the visitors figured out the bug was from the commercial. > ``I felt really stupid for getting my neighbors out of bed in > the middle of the night,'' she wrote to Orkin Pest Control. ``You > really got me!'' Whereas it's okay to wake up two people in the middle of the night if you see a real roach. > An irate Tampa, Fla., woman who tried to kill the roach by > tossing a motorcycle helmet at it and instead broke her TV set > demanded that Atlanta-based Orkin buy her a new one. Presumably if it had been a real roach, then she would have demanded that Shoei buy her a new TV set. Hey, just out of curiosity, was this helmet sitting on her boyfriend's bike in the living room? > Another man said his set was damaged after he threw a shoe at it. > Sorry, the Orkin Man doesn't do TV repair. YOU'LL HAVE TO BE MUCH STUPIDER THAN THAT IF YOU WANT TO GET FREE STUFF! > The ads, titled ``Fake Out,'' began airing, mostly at night, on > March 1 in 90 percent of the country. They begin by appearing to be > an ad for a fictional fabric softener -- until the roach appears. > Orkin and the ad agency say they have received dozens of calls > from people who reported being frightened, amused or both by the > ad. The company has even been prompted to launch an ``Orkin Got > Me'' contest. So, are they going to run this commercial during reruns of "The X-Files" from year before last where they did exactly the same thing? > Lollis said the spot required ``lots of little technical > tricks.'' The creators added a slight glow around the edge of the > bug so it would appear to be sitting on the screen. You know, like any other radioactive roach that spontaneously materializes on the front of your TV set. -- K. Now if only the Orkin man would kill that pink bunny that interrupts the other fake commercials. And he should kill David Duchovny, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Post Office Reacts to Rolling Trucks Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 00:23:04 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp For the Associated Press, David Rising wrote: > > PROVIDENCE, R.I. (AP) -- Letter carriers around New England are > being forced to walk more of their routes and make fewer stops > because of repeated accidents in which parked mail trucks rolled away. > By May, mail carriers will also be issued blocks that they will > have to put under their wheels every time they get out of their > vehicles. > ``A lot of carriers were not following the procedures and we > were getting rollaways and runaways,'' said Christine Dugas, a > Postal Service spokeswoman in Providence. > Under longstanding postal regulations, when mail carriers get > out of their trucks to deliver letters, they must turn off the > ignition, put the vehicle in park, turn the wheels toward the curb > and put on the parking brake. And set the safety on their sniper rifle. Incidentally, if they're not following the rule about how they have to set THE PARKING BRAKE when they park, why are they expected to then put blocks under the wheels after they don't bother using the brake? > But New England has seen an increase in incidents in which > trucks rolled away or drove off. Or shot a bunch of people and then blamed it on the postman!!! > The southeastern New England district, which includes Rhode > Island and southeastern Massachusetts, has had seven incidents in > the past 18 months, Dugas said. No one was injured, but that was up > from three incidents the year before and none at all in the > preceding four years, she said Friday. > As a result, over the past year, the Postal Service in New > England has been reducing the number of stops, on the theory that > the fewer times a vehicle has to be parked, the less likely it is > that the carrier will violate procedure. "If they buy this, then we'll also be able to use the same excuse when we eliminate Saturday deliveries and double the price of stamps, because gravity is strongest on Saturdays cheap stamps also make trucks roll away." > ``We have not had a fatality,'' Dugas said, ``but we don't want > to take that chance.'' > Letter carriers will also have to walk longer sections of their > routes. > The Postal Service distinguishes between rollaways and runaways. GOD BLESS THE POSTAL SERVICE! AT LAST SOMEONE IS DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN TRUCKS UNDER POWER AND TRUCKS NOT UNDER POWER! I AM GLAD MY TAX DOLLARS FUNDED THIS RESEARCH! > Runaways are when the mail carrier leaves the truck running and it > drives off. Rollaways happen when the carrier turns off the > ignition but forgets to put the parking brake on. What about when they leave the truck running with the parking brake on and it drives off real slowly and bumpy? > In one recent incident, Dugas said, a tree stopped a rolling > truck before it plowed into a room where children were playing. > Another truck hit the side of a house. I will stop saying that crazed postal workers couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. Besides, some of those night-vision sniper scopes are pretty accurate these days. > ``We've even had a situation where the carrier will lean out of > the truck to put a letter in the box, fall out of the vehicle > because they weren't wearing their seat belt, and have their > vehicle run away,'' Dugas said. The Postal Service should stop with that "Neither rain nor snow nor gloom of night" stuff and just put up a plaque that says "WE ADMIT SOME OF OUR EMPLOYEES ARE STUPID!" By the way, when DID the Postal Service deliver any mail during gloom of night? Did they eliminate the hourly midnight to 5 A.M. deliveries before or after the war? > A spokesman for the Postal Service in Washington, Bob Anderson, > said the decision to change routes is left up to local districts, > and he did not know of others across the country that are taking > similar action. > However, safety posters picturing a desperate letter carrier > chasing a postal truck hurtling in reverse toward a child playing > on a lawn have been distributed to every post office across the > country. Oh, I gotta get one of these. I hope it's in Soviet Constructivst style. Totalitarian regimes always have the prettiest propaganda. > Don Dahlstrom, a letter carrier for 27 years, said the vast > majority of postal workers follow the rules and probably don't need > the chocks, the blocks that will go under the wheels. > ``They do the paying, they do the saying. But it's sad that it > has to get as far as this,'' he said. He said he has never had a > truck roll away on him. > Discipline for violating the parking procedures can range from a > reprimand letter to suspension. Punishment for having a vehicle > actually run away varies depending on the carrier's disciplinary > record. > A carrier whose vehicle ran away in Providence in 1998 was > transferred to a job that did not require her to drive. Recently, a > South Dartmouth, Mass., letter carrier was given a seven-day > suspension for driving when he was supposed to be walking and > leaving the keys in his ignition. He has filed a grievance. That's a DOUBLE crime! It's much worse than those people who drive WITHOUT their keys in the ignition! > Dugas said other carriers have complained that the policy is a > physical hardship for them, and their cases are being examined. > Ron Gajdowski, a 28-year carrier with a route in Providence's > jewelry district, said he keeps his keys on a chain attached to his > belt, keeping him tethered to the vehicle until the keys are out of > the ignition. > ``This is the best way,'' Gajdowski said. ``Unless this truck is > in park, you can't get out of the truck because they won't come out.'' And it's effective, cheap, and not insulting to the intelligence of the drivers. But let's give them all big wooden blocks on a string anyway. Maybe also the Postal Service can issue them some other sort of blocks that will stop them from confusing "Apartment 701" with "Apartment 157". Or "Fragile" with "This Is A Flyswatter". -- K. I have great respect for the brave men and women of the United States Postal Service. However, the Postal Service doesn't have the quality of employees that they used to before it became an all- volunteer service. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.astro From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yawn ... it's the end of the world again Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 00:39:53 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp For l'AFP, Richard Ingham wrote: > > PARIS, April 5 (AFP) - Maybe that Millennium Bug survival kit > wasn't such a waste of money after all. And MAYBE Bob Hope will soon star in the zaniest one-man musical comedy revue ever made -- and will karate-fight supervillains during the intermission! > We may all be reaching for the canned food, bottled water and > fuel canisters on May 5, when the five planets visible with the > naked eye -- Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn -- will align > with the Sun and the Moon. > Exerting a mighty gravitational pull, these seven celestial > bodies will cause the Earth's axis to tilt, Oh no! It would be a shame if the Earth's axis was no longer perfectly vertical like it is now! (It's a shame Alexander Abian isn't alive to witness this...) > unleashing trillions of tons of Antarctic ice and water that will > sweep over the planet and swamp all civilisation. If the Earth were tipped, it would all run down towards Australia! > That is the prediction of author Richard Noone, whose 1982 book, > "5/5/2000 -- The Ultimate Disaster," paints a grim tableau of death > from space, supported by references to Stonehenge, UFOs, the CIA, > the Freemasons, the Turin Shroud and an encrypted warning buried in > the Pyramids. Oh, yeah. The others are all bogus, but I trust references to the CIA as the ultimate authority in astronomy. > Nor is Noone just a no-one. His scenario has inspired several > books and innumerable websites by occultists, astrologists and > survivalists, some of whom are hawking advice and equipment to help > the forewarned, like Noah, endure the Flood. But I thought that God _wanted_ everyone but Noah and Mrs. Noah to drown that time. Wouldn't it make God very, very, very angry if you didn't die when he tried to kill you? > There's just one problem, say scientists. Virtually nothing is > going to happen. It will be the most boring day ever! Oh no! We'll all die of boredom! > From Thursday, April 6, the naked-eye planets, the Moon and the > Sun will gradually inch their way towards each other, culminating on > May 5, when they will be clustered together in an arc of less than > 26 degrees. LESS THAN 26 DEGREES! THAT'S ONLY A COUPLE HUNDRED BAZILLION MILES! Wow. They'll be so close you'll be able to photograph them all at once if you have a fish-eye lens. > "It's quite rare, but it is not an alignment, it's a grouping," > said Belgian astronomer Jean Meeus, who predicted the May 2000 > phenomenon way back in 1961, laboriously calculating the planets' > paths from tables that dated back to World War I. Groupings are rare now? I SAW THREE BIRDS IN THE SAME HALF OF THE SKY TODAY! CAN I HAVE A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THIS PHOTO? NO? THEN CAN I HAVE A THOUSAND JUST FOR SEEING IT? > The last time the seven bodies grouped up was on February 2 > 1962, when they were even closer together, in an arc of just over 16 > degrees, he told AFP. And that was ALMOST the day Kennedy was ALMOST shot! > According to his arithmetic, over the past 2,000 years, the > closest span was in 1186 with 11 degrees; the next grouping will > occur on September 9 2040, with an arc of 29 degrees. > But even if all seven bodies were all aligned, and they were at > their closest point to the Earth, their impact would be negligible, > having a combined effect of less than one six-thousandth of the > average tide caused by the Sun, he said. It will lift one six-thousandth of the ocean by ten feet, so don't stand with one foot in that part of the ocean. > The Doomsday talk is "utter nonsense", Meeus said, acidly > comparing the predictions with a scare caused by two astronomers, > John Gribbin and Stephen Plagemann, who suggested the lineup of all > the planets on one side of the Sun in 1982 could unleash solar > storms and trigger earthquakes. And they were right! It's after 1982 and we're STILL having earthquakes! > "There have been about 45 million such alignments in the history > of the Earth," notes US astronomer Brian Monson of the Oklahoma > School of Science and Mathematics. > "Several dozen of these have happened since humans learned to > write, so if anything truly horrible had happened as a result of > these alignments, it would have been recorded." Not if it was so horrible that it was unspeakable and unmentionable and broke all the pencils in the world. Duh! > Even though cosmic alignment may be neither exceptional nor > harmful, it has been a spur for stargazers and the superstitious > since civilisation's earliest days. > The first known calendar is believed to have been inspired by a > spectacular grouping almost 4,000 years ago, when Chinese > astrologers took the conjunction of the planets as an auspicious > sign for the country's first royal dynasty. > Floods, earthquakes and other catastrophes were predicted for > February 1524, but nothing special happened. A similar scare in 1774 > inspired a brilliant Dutch amateur astronomer, Eise Eisinga, to > build a hand-cranked model of the solar system to show the true > movements of the planets. It replaced the old foot-cranked kind. > For all its rarity, next month's grouping will be a > disappointing show, as the glare from the Sun, which is one of the > aligned objects, will blot out the other planets whenever they are > above the horizon, said David Asher, an astronomer at Britain's > Armagh Observatory. Oh no! The Earth is a planet! And someday, we could get BLOTTED OUT by the glare of OUR OWN SUN!!! -- K. It's not like all those other alignments where Mercury and Venus were nowhere near the Sun! P.S. Someday they'll discover another planet and then everything you know about astrology will be WRONG! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yawn ... it's the end of the world again Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 03:43:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Logan Shaw (logan@cs.utexas.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [some news story said:] > > > > > > That is the prediction of author Richard Noone, whose 1982 book, > > > "5/5/2000 -- The Ultimate Disaster," paints a grim tableau of death > > I dunno, maybe this guy is on to something. I have a ugly final exam > scheduled to occur on 5/5/2000. I can top that! On 5/5/2000, I will be eating my first ever NON-FROZEN White Castle burgers at an undisclosed location somewhere in the only American city that has more skyways than St. Paul! KIBO EATS AT WHITE CASTLE, EARTH DESTROYED. ALSO, SPORTS! MEANWHILE, IN OTHER NEWS on Tax Day, 4/15/2000, I will be getting Barbie's autograph. I plan to get up early enough to go to two different Toys R Us locations to get photos to prove that Barbie can be in two places at the same time, for which I shall win the Nobel Prize For Barbie Physics. If I can get two autographs, I will scan them in and we can compare them to discuss the problem of which one is real. -- K. When Superman signs autographs at the mall, does he ever accidentally sign "Clark Kent"? What about "Bizarro"? Also, how come Bizarro doesn't have a secret identity of Bizarro Clark Kent? Oh, right, Bizarro is the exact opposite of Superman, so he must NOT have a secret identity. Also he is a girl. P.S. If you want to get Superman's autograph, for $49 you can go to the July 20 "Results 2000" seminar to see Tony Robbins, Donald Trump, Joan Lunden, some guy, some other guy, another guy, Larry King, and Christopher Reeve ("Actor, Director and Inspiration" is his caption) as EIGHT count 'em EIGHT motivational speakers all LIVE! On STAGE! Hopefully not NUDE! I think that for $59 you can see exactly the same show, only without Donald Trump. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: India Honors 123-Year-Old Man Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 00:43:50 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp The Associated Press wrote: > > NEW DELHI, India (AP) -- A Hindu ascetic said to be 123 years old > has been honored by the president for founding hundreds of schools > and hospitals in rural India, where most of the country's 1 billion > people live, newspapers reported Friday. > As hundreds of dignitaries watched, Swami Kalyan Dev was awarded > the Padma Bhushan title by President K.R. Narayanan at the imposing > red sandstone presidential palace Thursday. > Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee stood up as a mark of > respect as Dev -- his 88-pound frame swathed in a monk's ochre robe > -- walked with the help of two disciples to receive the civilian > award. Whereas, in the United States, we honor beloved 123-year-olds by having Phyllis Diller insult them at the Dean Martin Celebrity Roast. -- K. Why isn't Bob Hope running for President this year? Is it because he's afraid that Ronald Reagan would trounce him? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Leo's White House Chat Spurs Flap Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 00:48:53 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp [in an Associated Press article about Leo DiCaprio interviewing the President on ABC] > WHOOSH! SNIP! SUPER NEW PRESIDENTIAL KONTEXT-AWAY WASHES CONTEXT OUT THROUGH THE WATER GATE! > [...] > ``Don't you newspeople ever learn?'' Clinton asked the more than > 2,300 people at the Radio & Television Correspondents' Association > dinner. ``It isn't the mistake that kills you. It's the cover-up.'' > > [...] KABOOM! ZAP! KONTEXY-AWAY STEALS BACK TO ITS HOLDING PEN WHILE YELLING "I AM NOT A CROOK!" -- K. A smart President would have covered up the cover-up. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Brief Brag Of Glory. Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 01:34:10 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Today I thought of a clever excuse to give my boss the finger while swearing at him in his office, and you didn't. -- K. It was part of a serious discussion of the economics of Web-based advertising. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stop tagging me! Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 01:41:12 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > [Australian news item] > > > > Parents would be fined for their children's graffiti and vandalism and > > whistles would have to be inserted in spray paint cans under proposals > > being considered by the Carr Government. > > Great. So once the little vandals are finished painting > their graffiti all over the place, they can take the > whistle out of the spray can and wander around making > tootling noises. "TOOT! TOOT! I JUST PAINTED FUGG ON > YOUR WALL! TOOT! TOOT!". Who is the advertising genuis > who came up with THAT one? Will they insert the whistle into the spray can at the same time they insert that piece of tasty hard candy that smacks around inside when you shake it? That sound turns me on for some reason. And I don't even know what kind of candy it is!!! I think, also, that this law unfairly discriminates against people who are not orphans. When orphans spray graffiti, it doesn't cost anyone anything! -- K. To a typographer, graffiti is a six-letter word. Waffle is four. Fluff is three. Typography makes funny words shorter, which makes short words funnier. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stop tagging me! Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 02:01:44 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > [Australian news item about spray cans that go "TWEET!"] I looked up the article to which Beable was referring, in the Sydney Morning Herald, to see how bozotic Australian newspapers are. And of course Australian newspapers turned out to be bozotic because, hey, they're Australian. Today's cover story is a bunch of photos of gay people wearing lots of pink feathers (you know how gay people are always doing that) with a story attached: -> MEN and women differ in myriad obvious ways. But when when an -> American psychologist, Dennis McFadden, decided to test his ideas -> about the causes of homosexuality, he focused instead on one of -> the most obscure features that distinguish the two sexes - how our -> inner ears respond to clicking sounds. This conclusively proves that all deaf men are lesbians!!! -> This time, University of California researchers claim that -> lesbian women have masculinised right hands, with ring fingers -> that are longer than their pointer fingers. Most women have -> second and fourth fingers that are of equal length. -> -> The team, led by psychologist Marc Breedlove, also found that -> gay men with two or more elder brothers have finger patterns that -> suggest they were exposed to increased levels of male hormone -> before birth, too. Either that or having lots of older bothers makes you gay. The article's most interesting sentence: -> Fingers and ears are just the tip of the iceberg. "Whether 'tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles which come in a sea which has arms with fingers and ears on them..." Ha! I just mixed a metaphor more mixed than Shakespeare could have! I AM BETTER THAN SHAKESPEARE! Take away his Nobel Prize and give it to me! On the front page, the feature directly below the color photo of men kissing is: => Colour in, sing along and Wiggle while you work as we explore => the Web from a toddler's point of view. It's called "WebTV". Followed by a comma-challenged infotainment bite: +> Fresh from winning an Academy Award, Angelina Jolie, has been +> confirmed to play cult cyber-babe Lara Croft in a film version +> of her adventures. Oh yeah. Alright. WAAH! I CAN'T TELL IF THE NEWSPAPER IS BEING SARCASTIC! (I never have that trouble with the New York Times.) Another front-page story: <> The Prime Minister yesterday likened the apology he gave to <> indigenous people offended by the Government submission to <> what he would say if he interrupted someone unreasonably. Meanwhile, President Clinton announced he would apologize to the African-American community for all that slavery stuff, in the same form as what he would say if he farted. Then Clinton waved his hand behind his butt and giggled for five minutes. And then Kibo said Clinton waved his hand behind his butt and giggled for five minutes. -- K. Then everyone else on the Internet giggled for five minutes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Move. Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 05:55:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > I move tomorrow. > > And my room still looks much like it did two weeks ago. > > Only with more boxes. > > But I got my key to my new place today. And they also gave me a free > plunger, roll of toilet paper, and a roll of paper towels. How sweet! And the roll of toilet paper was actually a roll of duct tape six inches wide! And the paper towels was really a roll of duct tape a foot wide! And it's sticky on both sides! And there was a box marked "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL CHRISTMAS" with another eight rolls of free duct tape! And a mysterious deliveryman brought you a coupon redeemable for a year's supply of duct tape at the new duct tape store they opened in your basement! And the bathtub was full of duct tape!!! > The new place's bedroom sure looks smaller, though. It seems most of the > extra space is taken up by the hallway to the vanity area. My entire apartment is a vanity area. > I'm beginning to wonder if I should put my computer in the walk-in > closet; there's a little nook in there that looks just right, except > it already has a bunch of shelves in it. I considered doing that in my Tremont St. apartment, but then I realized I needed to have the computer and TV in the same room so I wouldn't have to waste time using the computer and then LATER watching TV. Now I've got my computer, bed, and TV all lined up for the trifecta. I hope someday to figure out how to move the refrigerator and bathtub in here. I wish someone would hurry up and make waterproof wireless laptop computers. > It's on the first floor, though, and way close to the laundry room. > > Most of my family and Jeremy are helping me move. > > Cable guy shows up Monday morning. He claims I'll need my Windows 98 CD. Do me a favor: tease him mercilessly about that Jim Carrey movie until he snaps. Then to make up with him, take him to a medieval-themed restaurant. Then heckle the king about how he doesn't look anything like Andy Dick. Then tease Robin Williams about that robot movie and call him "Mork". And remind Martin Landau that he was in "B.A.P.S." and ask him if he's ever going to win an Oscar. -- K. Also tell Jim Carrey he shouldn't have screwed up Ben Stiller's movie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: BEWARE OF THE BLUEBERRY! Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 06:52:10 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I have here some Mannan Life brand blueberry gelatin from Japan, and it comes in little heart-shaped tubs. It tastes great, but I keep worrying that it's obviously the most dangerous food ever made: -> WARNING -> -> This products is more resilient than ordinary jelly products. -> Therefore, if you swallow without chewing it, you may choke on it. -> Rather than slurping this product, pinch the bottom of container -> and chew well, or use spoon and eat it small portions. -> -> Please cut this products into small bite size pieces before -> allowing a small child or elderly to eat this product. -> -> Please do not heat or freeze this product. I pinched the bottom of the container and am chewing it, but it just tastes like plastic. I tried using spoon and eating it in small portions but I had trouble chewing the metal. So I think I'll just eat the gelatin. It's not bad, although it has aronia berry juice in it. More on aronia berries (EVIL!) when I get around to updating my Web site. -- K. Japanese supermarkets sell nothing but snack foods. And they all come in blueberry. I thought this was good, until I realized that none of them come in raspberry. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.optics,sci.physics,sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If you can't say something nice about Uncle Al don't say anything at all Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 06:59:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.optics, sci.physics, and sci.physics.relativity, Mark W. Lund, PhD (mlund@moxtek.com) wrote: > > Actually, Uncle Al can stand the heat, but if you are going > to be nasty please take sci.optics off the distribution list, > because we optics people have a higher standard of > behavior than the sci.physics people do. Yeah, it would be a shame if someone in sci.optics made a spectacle of himself. OKAY, EVERYONE WHO NEVER HEARD THAT JOKE BEFORE, OUT OF SCI.OPTICS! THIS GROUP IS ONLY FOR REAL OPTICIANS!!! -- K. It looks almost like Uncle Al is really here -- must be an Optic Al Illusion. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Police to crack down on U-M's "Naked Mile" Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 07:13:24 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Because it's such an important topic, in clari.news.law_enforce, clari.news.crime.misc, clari.news.education.higher, clari.local.michigan, clari.living.bizarre, clari.news.issues, clari.news.issues.misc, clari.news.crime, clari.news.crime.general, clari.news.education, and clari.living, we were told that the United Press wrote: > > ANN ARBOR, Mich., April 7 (UPI) -- University of Michigan > joggers running in the annual Naked Mile will have to contend with > something other than just hypothermia this year. > > Police and university officials are trying to shut down the > unofficial campus tradition, saying it's too hazardous. They warn > that anyone participating in the run will be subject to arrest. > > The Naked Mile was initiated in 1986 by a dozen U-M athletes, > and the annual streak through the campus and surrounding area lived > on as a means of celebrating the school's last day of classes. But > university officials said Friday the event has grown in both size > and reputation to a point where it's no longer the harmless prank it > used to be. The Detroit Free Press said last year's run attracted > about 10,000 runners and spectators. > > Besides a twisted ankle, University spokeswoman Diane Brown said > Naked Mile runners and even spectators face such hazards as sexual > assault, alcohol poisoning or having their pictures sold over the > Internet. REMEMBER, KIDS, TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES AUTOMATICALLY MAKES YOU DRUNK! (I think they've got that backwards.) I just hope I'm not one of the spectators who gets a twisted ankle from looking at naked people. I'm glad I can't get a twisted ankle from looking at women in string bikinis! > Last year a woman reported being struck by someone with a bull whip. Well, that's just plain wrong. And besides, it's the wrong kind of whip. Bull whips are for men, cow whips are for the ladies. > "With crowds as they are, we can't protect them from all those > predators," Brown said. "So we're just trying really hard to stress > the variety of dangers involved here." > > Classes this year end on April 14 -- a Friday. Brown said the > Friday factor could draw even more out-of-towners, who, Brown noted, > "might not have the collegial spirit that our students have." > > Ann Arbor's interim police chief, Walter Lunsford, cited the > hazards of having runners on the streets at night, crossing some > intersections that are too busy for the local police to close down. > > "We were certainly hoping we didn't have to have two young > people get hit by a delivery truck to bring to peoples' > consciousness that the dangerousness of this type of activity had > just gotten out of hand," he said. > > Lunsford said extra police patrols this year will include > five-member teams of uniformed officers assigned to intervene with > naked runners or those about to strip down, instructing them to put > their clothes back on or face arrest. And then they'll be taken to jail and strip-searched! > "It will be a mistake for any of those participants to blow > these officers off and not heed the warning," he said. I smell New Improved Kontext-Away That Now Removes Parts Of Sentences... > Lunsford hopes the threat of arrest will give some would-be > streakers pause. He said Naked Mile participants can be arrested for > indecent exposure, a citation that by law must be reported to state > authorities, regardless of a conviction. > > "Later in their careers, these folks might have to have a > security clearance done for some high-profile government job, or > they might run for public office," Lunsford said. "Who knows when > that skeleton might get pulled out of the closet, and in what form?" Yeah! I'm glad that in America it's illegal to do anything that might someday prevent you from running for President! P.S. DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY!!!! -- K. You think I'm kidding? There's NEVER been a President who went around yelling "DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY!!!" And this is why Ralph Nader shouldn't bother running. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re-activating more dormant brain cells. Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 07:16:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com "Lee Atwater." "Lee Bumgarner." "Lee Majors." You're welcome. -- K. Not to mention Lee Cole, author of "The Star Trek: The Motion Picture Peel-Off Graphics Book". (I use the term "author" loosely.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.optics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: laser paint??? Date: Sat, 8 Apr 2000 07:43:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.optics, Peter Weijnitz (peter.weijnitz@perimed.se) wrote: > > A Professor Nabil Lawandy have developed a special dye: "Laser Paint" that > is supposed to lase without an aligned cavity. I found some info on the www. > How does it work in more details? How is it pumped, how is it used what is > the wavelength width e.t.c. > Anyone that have used the stuff? Is it a hoax? I hope it's real, so that I can buy contact lenses coated with it and walk around burning down trees with my Deadly Laser Vision. -- K. That's been my lifelong dream. That, and owning a White Castle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another Oscar found in lawyer's office Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 03:50:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@fnord.io.com) wrote: > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > > > Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > > > > > > > My new office is much much bigger, and has a view of the Pacific Ocean > > > > when the weather's good. Yay me! > > > > > > _My_ new office has a view of the Pacific Ocean when the weather's good > > > -and- the earth is flat. Nyah! > > > > My entire state has a view of the Pacific Ocean when there's no pollution > > and the earth is concave and contained within a rotating space station. > > Now Kibo will say that I am going to say something about Cyrus Teed. > But I won't. Oops. Dear Matt Dr. McIrvin, Please stop insinuating that I go around drawing allusions between people _other_than_myself_ and David Koresh. Now to cleanse the unholy thoughts of roundness from your physical body you must purge your innards away by drinking a quart of Guk mixed with Glink and Gak. Your Pal, L. Moe Hubbard Nuclearoid Scientist Author, "The 'How To Think' ViewMaster Reel" P.S. At least, unlike me, you're not mentioning liverwort. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quote Of The Day for April 8, 2000 Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 04:00:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com l'AFP wrote: > > Subject: Indian minister concerned over "transparency in dress" > > NEW DELHI, April 8 (AFP) - Indian Information and Broadcasting > Minister Arun Jaitley Saturday hit out against a French fashion > satellite television channel for airing collections featuring > semi-nude models. BEGIN LARGE FLASHING CIRCLE AROUND SENTENCE THAT IS FUNNY TO READ ALOUD > "We in the ministry are cautious and concerned that in the name > of fashion channel what we have is only transparency in dress," > Jaitley told the Press Trust of India, while referring to the > Fashion TV network. END LARGE FLASHING CIRCLE END END END END AMUSING PART TERMINATED TERMINATED -- K. We must pass a law making it illegal to wear anything transparent, so that all those people with glasses or contact lenses will go to a special jail run by Stevie Wonder. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PHOTON TORPEDO PULSE Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 05:59:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.math, Donald B. Ratsch (sts48@home.com) wrote: > > On September 15, 1991 I was fortunate to have VCR recorded from a wire attached to my braces. I was attempting to get free HBO but just got > NASA Select Television an event from the STS-48 mission that turned out hundreds of counterfeit Pokemon dolls before it was shut down. That seems > to be very controversial indeed. The shuttle camera recorded what looked at me and winked, ripped my clothes off, admired my naked legs but had a dis- > like to the naked eye "Star wars Technology" firing on alien spacecraft. The difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" is that one is a true story. > Some scientists who studied the footage concluded that was the right side of an Al Jaffe Mad Magazine "Fold-In". Or possibly a modern dance > interpretation. But NASA spokesmen said it all was the result of ice cream being secretly contaminated with fragments of radioactive raspberry > debris. Now, slowly, information is seeping out that on that date, I took my girlfriend to the "Star Trek" museum, and she broke up the next day, > September 15, 1991 a UFO may have been fired on by an Electromagnetic Spatula capable of flipping pancakes in zero-gravity by emitting a buttermilk > energy pulse as it flew over the super secret site at Alicesprings, while Georgeburns. There is a conspiracy to deny that Vienna is the capital of > Australia. The STS-48 shuttle was close to this western Australian area any time it was anywhere on the ground, relatively speaking. I forgot > when this event happened. The two steaks of light that missed the UFO in their rush to get on the new Foods Made Entirely Of Energy menu at Sizzler saw > the STS-48 footage, some scientists are using the words Photon Torpedo whenever they throw a spitball at me. Then they feel my eyeball for a > Pulse. Two PH'D scientists discuss this new technology and the STS-48 in a boring episode of "The Red Green Show", followed by a PBS pledge break, > and this 25 minute discussion can be heard at length for more than 24 minutes and almost less than 25 minutes. > http://www.swrc.com/march00.htm Then scroll down to March 21, 2000. If your time machine does not have a scroll bar, try the Activated Pez Cone. > This new Star wars weapon was developed at Lawrence Livermore National in conjunction with Hebrew National, makers of rat-free salami at their > Laboratory in California. The U.S. Department Of Energy now owns the master negative of "Baby Geniuses" and uses it to torture the owners of the > patent to this invention as of 1990, one year prior to the STS-48 event. And over 800 years before the discovery of William Shatner's hair. > The patent number is 4,959,559 > http://patents.uspto.gov/cgi-bin/ifetch4?ENG+PATBIB-1990+0+982309+4+0+75293+OF+1+1+1+PN%2f4959559+AND+PN%2f4959559 > > Don Ratsch THE END! -- K. Nobody is qualified to discuss my theory further, unless they have seen the movie "Baby Geniuses" more times than me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology.second-coming,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: god is a torturer, beyond reason Date: Sun, 9 Apr 2000 09:19:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.religion.kibology.second-coming, "ESzewc" (eszewc@aol.com) wrote: > > god attempted to murder me several times a few days ago > god stops me from masturabating on and off for 5 years > god put water in my garbage can to make it stink > god stinks,.. infinite power, infinite sin's, infinite sin's Um... Doidy? -- K. Does God make you wear a chastity belt, or does he just tie your hands to the bedposts all night? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A disease to worry about. Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 06:33:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From the Web site of our national government's Centers for Disease Control, Division of Parasitic Diseases: -> There is no known curative treatment for Brainerd diarrhea. So, whatever you do, don't forget to worry about contracting incurable Brainerd Diarrhea. Unless, of course, you're stupid. -- K. I tried to come up with an opposite for "Brainerd" but "Butt" and "bozo" won't stick together. Could someone please fix the dictionary so that "Butt" ends with "b", or "bozo" begins with "t", but not both? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Tao of GOD Date: Mon, 10 Apr 2000 08:19:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics, "ChinaEinstein" (chinaeinstein@yahoo.com) wrote: > > WOW! I placed this on alt.sci.physics.new-theories and now I found more > physic list. I put it here for you to know the good knews. Physics is almost > very done. I will be here for when NASA replys me. Thank you. When physics is done, do we just take it out of the toaster oven and eat it, or do we flip it over to toast the back side of it? I like my physics topped with chemistry! Chemistry tastes delicious! > Opposites are make the universe. I know it, Eisntein knows it, Feynman know > it, Steven Hawking and Gary Zyzax know it. This is the only way. But they > are all wrong because they got scared of getting to close to GOD. I am not > scared because I know he is good. If I die, it will be after unlocking the > secrets of GOD, and I will be the next Moses. I liked Gary Zyzax's "Zungeons & Zragons" much better than Stephen Hawking's role-playing game. It was TOO nerdy! > If the death people number in Uganda is between 666 and 777, this number > will tell if I am right (like strings theory.) It will tell if Einstein is > wrong, and Tesla is write. If it is closer to 666 then I am right because > 6+6+6 = 18 which is not the opposite of 7+7+7=21. > > AND 21 - 18 = 4 = 2*2 = 1*1*1*1...Infinity. I would be astounded if this logic proved capable of astounding me. I'D BUY THAT FOR ONE TIMES ONE TIMES ONE DOLLAR! > This cannot be and since the opposite of infinity is 0 (or man) then c === > GODspeed has to be a limit. SEE!!! The ying and yang is the key to the > universe. Since I know only little physics and my friend Alex helps me. He > alright knows the secret to may be living for ever. I know secret to why > living for ever, because of opposites, > > math, language > geometry, heliomtery > air, sparks > light, anti-light ---- which is matter!!! Rock is matter and is opposite to > water and so water is light!!! This excatly explanes why we see through > water!!! Except that it doesn't explain why the bottom half of the ocean is all black when you're deep-sea diving in it. If water is light, shouldn't all scuba divers go blind? Hey I know this one guy, he dived too deep and the pressure was so great that it shoved his whole wetsuit up his butt. And then he panicked and came up too fast, and his head exploded! > People, I am showing the way. With opposites in mind physics will again go. > It has been stuck for long, since Einstein. We can explane every thing know > with ying yang. I am ecxited!! I wrote to NASA to tell them our good news. I > am showing you the letter now (spell cheked of course. I am "professional > genius" now): I'm sorry, the position of Professional Genius is already filled, at least until Marilyn Vos Savant dies or admits she's a nit-wit. Maybe you should try for that vacant position over at Dartmouth. They're looking for a new super-genius dishwasher. > March, > 28, 2000 > > Dear National Aeronautics and Space Administration scientists, > > My name is Lei Sixin and I am recently from Beijing but am not a spy. You forgot to add "Also, I am not a crackpot." > I have good news for all scientists around the world. I have found the > "missing link" to the universe and understanding GOD's universe. The idea > found me when I was reading "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" by Gary Zukav; ISBN > 0-553-26382-X. (In Chinese Wu Li means physics, but I don't dance!!) I > thought about how we live and see many pairs of opposites like: good and > bad, long and short, salt and pepper, That's right, if you put too much pepper on your food, you can neutralize it completely by adding salt. > dog and cat, rock and water, energy and anti-energy. Every thing can be > put in opposites. Everything can be put in an enormous pothole shaped like Hello Kitty's face if the pothole is big enough, too, but you don't hear me claiming to be a Professional Genius for being so clever as to come up with that clever idea. Also I have patented it so don't try to make any money off my idea of putting things in enormous potholes shaped like Hello Kitty's face. > Isaac Newton said some very famous things for all of science, like > "Opposites attract" and "Every thing has an opposite and equal thing." > (That is why opposite of cat cannot be mouse because they are very > different in size and thought). Yes, but cats and dogs are identical in every way. Examples include Marmaduke and Heathcliff. Snoopy and Garfield. > But also there is man and GOD a very important pair. Because of these > opposites and 0 and infinity, Albert Einstein (Theory of Relativity) > was wrong when she said E = m + c2. HEY I FOUND A MISTAKE EINSTEIN MADE! IT SHOULD BE "E = mc2" NOT "E = m + c2"! I JUST DISCOVERED PHYSICS, AND THIS PROVES THAT I AM SMARTER THAN THAT TRANSSEXUAL, ALBERTA EINSTEIN! > Every equation has to have GOD in it and so c2 ===GODspeed. Oh, yes, I see. "2 = 2" <-- WRONG "2 = 2 + GOD" <-- RIGHT > Nothing can travel faster then GOD!!! I am amazing by how well it fits > together. Please let all scientists know before another spaceship blows up. > The mars space shuttle could been saved!!! Uh... Wuh? Doidy? Doiderly? Doiderlax? Guh. Buh? > I have many support from the Internet and my friend is Alex Chiu who is > health people with a revolutionary ring and Tesla magnetomic fields. I am > talking through my ideas with much intelligent people on the internet. I am > in the prestigious "alt.sci.physics.new-theories" and write there. Oh, the PRESTIGIOUS alt.sci.physics.new-theories, as opposed to that one that's just for crazy people who claim to be Professional Geniuses and/or The King Of Science. > We all working together for finding GODs brain. Please tell every scientist > in the world physics can move again! "GOD said let light be!" > > Please send this to all scientists. I will do allot of work to because I > will sending to Richard Feynmann (I think Cornell but let me know it) and > Enrico Fermi and Murray Gell-Mann (he made quarks). I think Albert > (Einstein) will be very happy with this but he is to dead. Einstein was sad because he was too dead! Poor Einstein! Dead Einstein cried! > I am sorry it could not be early. > > Thank you allot. I help physics very much. > > Lei Sixin, perspiring atomic scientist (I will be famous physicist some > time). > > Xi xi. > Zhong Gua Einstein > > **** > I am new Einstein of Zhong Gua (China). > Wu nau tzi yao bin. > **** And in a subsequent article, "ChinaEinstein" (chinaeinstein@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Dear esteamed friends. I'm more braised than steamed. > My famous knews has only with now come of NASA! We must now all have ying > and yang for thought in science too end! I think NASA will soon have more > sending letters after this I reply to. It is very good for a job now! I am > in school for very more to! May be I will do school and work with NASA for > be famous! We must need celeberate with I am so very indeed! I am jumping > from up to down!! Please try jumping from very far up to down. I have a ladder you can borrow. > The letter I put under: > > Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2000 07:53:02 -0500 > From: Human Resources (HR.jobs@nasa.gov) > To: chinaeinstein@yahoo.com > Subject: Job Application--D.B. 14420-772-082-H > > Dear Job Applicant, > > Human Resources (HR) is sending this letter as confirmation that we have > received your application for employment consideration at the National > Aeronautics and Space Administration. Because we receive many applications > for review please expect that our response will not be immediate. If you > have included job title, department, and employment number on your cover > letter, the process will be much quicker. If not, you may resend your > materials with a new subject heading: "RESENDING ." If we have not > received all required files we will not reply--these include: cover letter, > resume, C.V., and 5 professional references. > > Thank you for considering employment at the world's leading aeronautical and > space industry. We look forward to an interview. > > Sincerely, > > NASA Human Resources > Washington, D.C. > > > Xi xi. > Zhong Gua Einstein > > **** > I am new Einstein of Zhong Gua (China). > Wu nau tzi yao bin. > **** Wow! Good work getting your very own form rejection letter informing you "we will not reply"! I'm sure you're a shoe-in for the job. Unless NASA has a policy of checking DejaNews to see if job applicants have ever posted to the Mad Science newsgroups. And I'm pretty sure they have this policy, because they wouldn't let Alexander Abian or Archimedes Plutonium blow up the Moon. By the way, what's YOUR plan for blowing up the Moon? -- K. (Mercenary Genius) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Tao of GOD Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 00:53:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > "ChinaEinstein" (chinaeinstein@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > People, I am showing the way. With opposites in mind physics will > > again go. It has been stuck for long, since Einstein. We can explane > > every thing know with ying yang. I am ecxited!! I wrote to NASA to > > tell them our good news. I am showing you the letter now (spell > > cheked of course. I am "professional genius" now): > > I'm wondering now what company made his spellchecker? (And are they also > making food products of any sort, for Kibo to eat?) You mean like the "Mushroom Mugget", "Fussy Squash", and "Unignt Taste Crisd Peanut" they sell at the Super 88? -- K. "Problems were encountered reading the file 'Big System Morsels'. Installation cannot continue." -- just appeared on my other screen ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Child Who Loved The Spice Girls Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 01:18:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physchology, "Jorolat" (jorolat@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: The Child Who Loved The Spice Girls > > "1) Introduction. > > Ę ĘThis article uses a real-life incident to illustrate one of the most > common techniques used in "child abuse" and should be readily recognizable > simply because it is not only practiced on children. As an adult, however, > experiences may consist of transitory occasions where only elements of the > technique are encountered and therefore it's full potential, and the intent, > to harm natural life can pass unrecognised. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who hates having to listen to the Spice Girls during those transitory occasions where a car drives by with the windows open. -- K. In China they torture political prisoners by forcing them to listen to the Spice Girls, the Backstreet Boys, the Spice Boys, and the Backstreet Girls, while watching the movie "Baby Geniuses". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: god said I can Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 02:01:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Bring back jesus or distroy your planet. > Im in rang to indiviguly take or leave. This is a truly indivigorating discussification. > Its like this FREE WILL. > But the ignorance of sience left out the other sides of the arguments. > They hide the truth and > are thier own witness. > Wen your dead your dead. But all you are is recorded on too many atoms > to count. The atom of iron is your dna and your blood and your sole. I'm walking around on mine right now! > All of your (who you are is at every point. ) HOLOGRAPHIC = HOLLY > space is made of electrons that apear and exspand. GODS ACTIVE FORCE > First you get a physics leson from an alian in your veiw from space. You got a physics lesion from Elian Gonzalez? Sounds painful yet controversial. > The one on the last pages of your bible ..is me > Im here to play back the information you record on iron. Your sole. > The first sole I will play back to you with a holographic compute is > jesus. > He gave his irion to people to coppy and pass on. > Im herelet the meleniem begin. "EYE DECLAIR KNOW CORECCT SPLELING FOUR THEE NXT THOUSEND YEERS!" proclamed Knig Badspelor Teh Frist! > TARGET EARTH Wow, that entire sentence was spelled correctly. Except for the two-thirds of it that was omitted. -- K. God bless WebTV for bringing us more Special Scientists. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Amplitude of a light wave. Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 02:19:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > light is a forward force in energy. Its a sound in space. In time > .every wave crosses every point,,,see ! Have any emty spots in your > veiw of reality =BF magnets dont atract or relpell...thats so stupid. The previous sentence, or the whole article? > Waves eather colide and peek or roll over each other. Can U define the > diferance between a wave and a sound in water. If you can then think > space . the presure of space is gods active force. It is electrons being > created in a patern in all empty space in time. > Within your law of physics I can tell you how I will bring back jesus > How I will turn deserts into paridice. Sorry, they've already built Las Vegas. Maybe you should try turning the desert into something that doesn't have pairs of dice. Have you thought about turning the entire desert into a gigantic White Castle? They could serve giant-size White Castle burgers over THREE INCHES WIDE! > How to buld a ufo. How to cure any desease. Or how I can destroy the earth. Tell you what, first PROVE you can destroy the Earth. Then I'll listen to you about how you don't like magnets. > BUT YOU BETER ASK BEFOR I BRING BACK JESUS. Stop holding Dead Jesus hostage! Just bring him back and we'll drop the charges. And bring back a dictionary, too. > jesus was born october 1 not in desember. You have alot of falts > religen here. Damn, now they've got to fit "Jesus's Birthday" in the same little space of the calendar as "Hitler's Birthday"! Maybe instead you should move Jesus's birthday to some day when nobody famous was born. > Every one that dose gods work and believes in jesus is saved. The > rest of you are mine . > AND IM NOT NICE TO FOOLS THAT DONT FEED HUNGRY KIDS> OR TELLS KIDS > THERE IS NO GOD> IM GONA SLAM U Mr. T sure sounds crabby today! > LET THE MELENEUM BEGIN> > and the war begins You mispelled "the wer begins". Hope this hleps. -- K. P.S. Any plans to bring back Alexander Abian? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why aren't I richer? Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 04:41:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From the description of a water park in Las Vegas: -> And this year looks like it could be the most "Royal" year yet at -> Wet 'n Wild. The newest thrill at the park is the Royal Flush. -> You'll be washed down a towering chute and spun around a bowl at -> speeds reaching a hair-raising 45 mph. After a few quick spins, -> you'll be flushed through the bottom into a refreshing pool of water, -> where you can gather your wits. MOMMY MOMMY I WANNA RIDE THE TOILET AGAIN!!! Why didn't people give *me* millions of dollars when *I* said, "Hey, people will probably pay to jump into a giant toilet!" -- K. I want my millions of dollars now, or else I won't bother inventing Nose Booger Bungee Jumping. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why aren't I richer? Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 06:25:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Logan Shaw (logan@cs.utexas.edu) wrote: > > When I used to work at NASA[1], [...] > > [1] Note the preposition "at". I was a contractor and did not work > *for* NASA. NASA, supposedly, paid people to call up contractors > and ask them questions and see if they would say they work *for* > NASA. If they did, they got in trouble, because that was a > misrepresentation. And if you didn't they said, "Aha! So you work AGAINST NASA, you Commie!" and then invisible wires would yank all the walls of your office up into the sky and the building would be surrounded by hundreds of NASA Police in full riot gear and gas masks with reflective gold faceplates. Then they'd drag you off to the secret NASA Detainment Camp, which was located directly under the center of the Space Shuttle's launch pad. But at least to make it a little more cheery they painted the walls in pretty colors with a gasoline-based paint. -- K. And then Dean Lenort, Mike Bur, and Robert Lindsay would launch the secret spy satellite that orbits at an altitude of six inches so it could look up women's skirts.