Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures In Shopping & Life Lessons Learned Today Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 00:45:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "spot the robot", who apparently doesn't have an E-mail address, wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > So, I got ripped off to the tune of $102.50 by the 7-Eleven's > > dysfunctional, no-name ATM. > > Why did this possibility not occur to you in the 7-11, Kibo? > > You are not paranoid enough. That is why. You just THINK I'm not paranoid! I'm so paranoid I'm making YOU hallucinate! > [...] > > Anyway, I expect the 7-11 corporation knows how many hundred dollar bills > it put in that machine, and can figure out that there is currently one > more hundred dollar bill in that machine than there ought to be at the > current time, given the record of your transaction. Oh, yes, at the current time. If you were truly as paranoid as you are trying to make me suspect that you are, you would know that this ATM now claims I took the money out at 2:41 AM. This makes me wonder how I got there and back, given that Boston's rapid- transit system shuts down before the bars close at 2 AM (which is why you NEVER see any drunken people on the Green Line) unless, of course, the machine is lying about the time. WHICH IT WOULD ALSO BE DOING ABOUT HOW MANY BILLS ARE *SUPPOSED* TO BE THERE! > So you should call the 7-11 corporation and demand your hundred dollars > back from them. I don't know about the other dollar though. That was > probably a service charge. You don't get all this convenience for free > you know. I called the bank and was transferred to the ATM division of customer service, and the first item on the voice menu was to dispute an ATM charge (they told me this happens fairly often.) I then heard them fighting with their computer for quite a while. "She won't give it up," the nice person told me while banging hundreds of keys in a fight with the evil other bank which puts dysfunctional ATMs with dysfunctional clocks in dysfunctional convenience stores. They eventually hammered out all the details for the ATM dispute/fraud/UFO report and told me that Federal law gives them up to 45 days to research this before refunding me if I'm not an evil scammer, but if the bank hasn't settled this matter in 10 days they will issue me a "provisional credit". (I guess that means "We're giving you this money now but you're not allowed to use it until we REALLY give it to you later.") At one point they offered me $103, but being a nice person, I pointed out that I only deserved $102.50. I don't want to scam the good people at 7-Eleven out of fifty cents (I'll just crush one of the little bags of potato chips next time I'm in there.) > Of course, you could be lying to us now about whether the hundred dollars > came out. It doesn't seem too likely, but then, a guy who would stoop so > low as to try to scam a hundred dollars out of 7-11 is probably capable > of practically anything. But, then, wouldn't I have made the story MUCH COOLER? I am incapable of telling a lie that's NOT SUFFICIENTLY COOL. Like, when the panhandler told me "I hope you die tomorrow!" I would have jammed him into the ATM's slot and then cross-wired the nozzles of the Slurpee dispenser to spray the store employees with nitric acid, and then I would have blown up the store by pushing the secret "NUCLEAR BOMB" button combo on the convenience store microwave ("SANDWICH" plus "BURRITO" equals "NUCLEAR BOMB") and then I would have outrun the nuclear blast while riding my hoverdactyl. -- K. And then I would have taken a big bite of an El Taco and yelled, "MMM, BEEFY!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Adventures In Shopping & Life Lessons Learned Today Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 04:50:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Last week I warned that today you, yes, YOU, could go to Toys R Us to meet Barbie in person. ("Bring your camera" said the signs even though they normally explicitly disallow taking photos of the inanimate objects in the store. You're allowed to take photos of teenage girls in Barbie dresses but not plastic dolls.) Well, you forgot to go, but I went to my two local Toys R Us outlets just so I could report on the relative quality of the two Barbies appearing simultaneously in different places at the same time. Barbie #1 had brown hair with reddish highlights. Barbie #2 was African-American. I'd have to say that Barbie #2 was the real one, because they make Barbie dolls in both pink and brown plastic, but they don't make any pink Barbie dolls with dark hair (except for those special cases where she's Helen of Troy Barbie or Margot Kidder Barbie or whatever.) Of course, all Barbies are to some degree specialized now: You can't just buy "Barbie" or "Ken" now, it has to be "_________ Barbie" or "________ Ken". (My favorite name: "California Nails Barbie.") In addition to having an outfit for every possible situation (Ken owns museumwear!) if you're really hip Barbie and Ken will also have different bodies for each event. The oddest one I saw at the toy store today was Space Camp Barbie. She's wearing a NASA flight suit (oh, they'll let ANYONE in to NASA these days) with the NASA logo that they stopped using ten years ago. She was equipped with cardboard cutouts of several kinds of astronaut food packets ("SPINACH", "ORANGE-FLAVORED DRINK") and... a handful of "SPACE TRAVELLERS CHECKS." I guess when you need to get your hair done on another planet you'd better have some of those. -- K. Also, today I was in a Ground Round (eww) that smelled like horse flop, and a few days ago I was in an Old Navy (eww) that also smelled like horse flop. Do invisible horses go around leaving invisible deposits in stores now? Also, Ground Round has Bingo The Clown and Howard Johnson's had Hojo The Clown, which makes sense given that Ground Round is Howard Johnson's under another name. (Same fried food, same clown, different name.) But... Howard Johnson's also owns Bisuteki Japanese restaurants. Why don't they have Kabuki The Clown? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Tao of GOD Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 00:53:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > "ChinaEinstein" (chinaeinstein@yahoo.com) wrote: > > > > People, I am showing the way. With opposites in mind physics will > > again go. It has been stuck for long, since Einstein. We can explane > > every thing know with ying yang. I am ecxited!! I wrote to NASA to > > tell them our good news. I am showing you the letter now (spell > > cheked of course. I am "professional genius" now): > > I'm wondering now what company made his spellchecker? (And are they also > making food products of any sort, for Kibo to eat?) You mean like the "Mushroom Mugget", "Fussy Squash", and "Unignt Taste Crisd Peanut" they sell at the Super 88? -- K. "Problems were encountered reading the file 'Big System Morsels'. Installation cannot continue." -- just appeared on my other screen ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Child Who Loved The Spice Girls Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 01:18:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physchology, "Jorolat" (jorolat@aol.com) wrote: > > Subject: The Child Who Loved The Spice Girls > > "1) Introduction. > > Ê ÊThis article uses a real-life incident to illustrate one of the most > common techniques used in "child abuse" and should be readily recognizable > simply because it is not only practiced on children. As an adult, however, > experiences may consist of transitory occasions where only elements of the > technique are encountered and therefore it's full potential, and the intent, > to harm natural life can pass unrecognised. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who hates having to listen to the Spice Girls during those transitory occasions where a car drives by with the windows open. -- K. In China they torture political prisoners by forcing them to listen to the Spice Girls, the Backstreet Boys, the Spice Boys, and the Backstreet Girls, while watching the movie "Baby Geniuses". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: god said I can Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 02:01:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Bring back jesus or distroy your planet. > Im in rang to indiviguly take or leave. This is a truly indivigorating discussification. > Its like this FREE WILL. > But the ignorance of sience left out the other sides of the arguments. > They hide the truth and > are thier own witness. > Wen your dead your dead. But all you are is recorded on too many atoms > to count. The atom of iron is your dna and your blood and your sole. I'm walking around on mine right now! > All of your (who you are is at every point. ) HOLOGRAPHIC = HOLLY > space is made of electrons that apear and exspand. GODS ACTIVE FORCE > First you get a physics leson from an alian in your veiw from space. You got a physics lesion from Elian Gonzales? Sounds painful yet controversial. > The one on the last pages of your bible ..is me > Im here to play back the information you record on iron. Your sole. > The first sole I will play back to you with a holographic compute is > jesus. > He gave his irion to people to coppy and pass on. > Im herelet the meleniem begin. "EYE DECLAIR KNOW CORECCT SPLELING FOUR THEE NXT THOUSEND YEERS!" proclamed Knig Badspelor Teh Frist! > TARGET EARTH Wow, that entire sentence was spelled correctly. Except for the two-thirds of it that was omitted. -- K. God bless WebTV for bringing us more Special Scientists. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Amplitude of a light wave. Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 02:19:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > light is a forward force in energy. Its a sound in space. In time > .every wave crosses every point,,,see ! Have any emty spots in your > veiw of reality =BF magnets dont atract or relpell...thats so stupid. The previous sentence, or the whole article? > Waves eather colide and peek or roll over each other. Can U define the > diferance between a wave and a sound in water. If you can then think > space . the presure of space is gods active force. It is electrons being > created in a patern in all empty space in time. > Within your law of physics I can tell you how I will bring back jesus > How I will turn deserts into paridice. Sorry, they've already built Las Vegas. Maybe you should try turning the desert into something that doesn't have pairs of dice. Have you thought about turning the entire desert into a gigantic White Castle? They could serve giant-size White Castle burgers over THREE INCHES WIDE! > How to buld a ufo. How to cure any desease. Or how I can destroy the earth. Tell you what, first PROVE you can destroy the Earth. Then I'll listen to you about how you don't like magnets. > BUT YOU BETER ASK BEFOR I BRING BACK JESUS. Stop holding Dead Jesus hostage! Just bring him back and we'll drop the charges. And bring back a dictionary, too. > jesus was born october 1 not in desember. You have alot of falts > religen here. Damn, now they've got to fit "Jesus's Birthday" in the same little space of the calendar as "Hitler's Birthday"! Maybe instead you should move Jesus's birthday to some day when nobody famous was born. > Every one that dose gods work and believes in jesus is saved. The > rest of you are mine . > AND IM NOT NICE TO FOOLS THAT DONT FEED HUNGRY KIDS> OR TELLS KIDS > THERE IS NO GOD> IM GONA SLAM U Mr. T sure sounds crabby today! > LET THE MELENEUM BEGIN> > and the war begins You mispelled "the wer begins". Hope this hleps. -- K. P.S. Any plans to bring back Alexander Abian? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Why aren't I richer? Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 04:41:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From the description of a water park in Las Vegas: -> And this year looks like it could be the most "Royal" year yet at -> Wet 'n Wild. The newest thrill at the park is the Royal Flush. -> You'll be washed down a towering chute and spun around a bowl at -> speeds reaching a hair-raising 45 mph. After a few quick spins, -> you'll be flushed through the bottom into a refreshing pool of water, -> where you can gather your wits. MOMMY MOMMY I WANNA RIDE THE TOILET AGAIN!!! Why didn't people give *me* millions of dollars when *I* said, "Hey, people will probably pay to jump into a giant toilet!" -- K. I want my millions of dollars now, or else I won't bother inventing Nose Booger Bungee Jumping. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why aren't I richer? Date: Tue, 11 Apr 2000 06:25:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Logan Shaw (logan@cs.utexas.edu) wrote: > > When I used to work at NASA[1], [...] > > [1] Note the preposition "at". I was a contractor and did not work > *for* NASA. NASA, supposedly, paid people to call up contractors > and ask them questions and see if they would say they work *for* > NASA. If they did, they got in trouble, because that was a > misrepresentation. And if you didn't they said, "Aha! So you work AGAINST NASA, you Commie!" and then invisible wires would yank all the walls of your office up into the sky and the building would be surrounded by hundreds of NASA Police in full riot gear and gas masks with reflective gold faceplates. Then they'd drag you off to the secret NASA Detainment Camp, which was located directly under the center of the Space Shuttle's launch pad. But at least to make it a little more cheery they painted the walls in pretty colors with a gasoline-based paint. -- K. And then Dean Lenort, Mike Bur, and Robert Lindsay would launch the secret spy satellite that orbits at an altitude of six inches so it could look up women's skirts. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Is there anything to do in Edmonton, Alberta? Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 07:08:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Are any of you folks familiar with Edmonton, the big city in Alberta? It's in the western half of Canada which is always fifty degrees colder than the other half, but at least speaks English. I'm thinking of visiting it this July (in the summer there are up to 17 hours of sunlight every day, which makes me wonder why it doesn't warm up more) to see: * The West Edmonton Mall -- the largest mall EVER. And it's not a Simon brand mall, so maybe it will be interesting! (And it'll have weird unfamiliar Canadian stores where the "$1.00" stores will be 1/3 cheaper than in the U.S.!) It's so big that it's got submarines in it. The only other time I've ever seen a submarine in a mall is that futuristic-submarine-shaped restaurant Steven Spielberg crashed into that mall in Las Vegas. * The Klondike Festival, which is a big annual fair/carnival thingie. (Now celebrating the 102nd anniversary of the gold rush!) I have no idea why their Web page shows Bill & Ted's electrified red phone booth flying through space. It's captioned, "HERE COMES THE FUN!" Highlights of the Klondike Festival: => EDMONTON'S KLONDIKE KATE, DAILY KLONDIKE PANCAKE BREAKFASTS, => EDMONTONFEST ENTERTAINMENT STAGE, EDMONTONFEST SALOON, ALBERTA MADE => FESTIVAL OF FOODS, MASCOT FOLLIES, MAYOR'S KLONDIKE LUNCHEON, => SALSA NIGHT, YOMP & FITFEST, DRESS KLONDIKE TEA PARTY, SUNDAY PROMENADE, => PARTY ON! RED HOT BLUES, HOTEL & TOURISM OLYMPIAD, FUN TUBS DERBY, => GREASE POLE CLIMB, A TASTE OF EDMONTONÊ- HELD IN EDMONTON'S ARTS => DISTRICT ON SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL SQUARE. The fun would come sooner if that sentence left out the word "SQUARE". HEY YOU KIDS GET OFF THE PRIME MINISTER BEFORE HE INSULTS YOU BY TELLING YOU HE'LL EVENTUALLY SOBER UP! * The first Light Rail System to be installed in any North American city with under 1,000,000 people. -> LRT vehicles accelerate rapidly and quietly so be aware of your -> surroundings and hold the handrail firmly. Duh, the train is so quiet I thought it was one of those newfangled subways that zips around without moving! -> Push the ticket in until you feel the machine validate it with a -> time and date stamp. It is important to validate your ticket, -> as an invalidated ticket is not considered a valid fare media. Gosh! I don't want that to happen to me. To ensure I never have a media that's invalid, I'm going to buy several extra medias. The best thing to know about the LRT is that, for your security, there are friendly strangers aboard: -> A Friendly Stranger is a person in the community who is available -> to help if someone is lost, confused, or being threatened. They give out candy! * The Edmonton Space & Science Centre. Because I like science museums. Also I get to see the guts of a turtal. * The Edmonton Telephone Historical Centre. A web page with a picture of Xeldon, the incredibly terrifying telephone repairman robot, tells me: => The facility, which has evolved is much more than a collection of => antique telephones. All aspects of the telephone industry are depicted. => Visitors have the opportunity to try operating an old switchboard, use => past switching equipment (I think that's a given in that part of Canada.) => and see exhibits depicting the telephone repairman. They only have one repairman for all of Alberta? => Understanding is further enhanced by science experiments that relate => to the basic principles involved in telephones. A multi-media => presentation provides a detailed look at the history of telephones => in Edmonton and the history of Edmonton itself. They don't mention whether they have a DSL exhibit. (It would be just like the phone exhibits but you could look at it fifty times faster. Or forty-nine times faster than the ISDN exhibit.) Anyway, I mainly want to go to Edmonton to see the world's largest shopping mall, and it sounds like the other stuff might be sufficiently goofadelic to provide opportunities to photograph things that I could then write allegedly wacky captions for. However, there are no direct flights from Boston to Edmonton, which means I'll never be able to get a super-cheap under-$200 airfare (unless Air Canada floats one -- they're the only airline that I could make both legs of the flight on.) Airfare from Boston to Edmonton is about $400 (American) for a round trip, which is a lot to spend on a trip to the mall. (This would also be the most remote place I've ever been, and the most arctic. It's a little further than Las Vegas, and a little colder.) So, do you folks know of any good reasons I should go or not go to Edmonton? Is there funny stuff in Edmonton that I don't know about? -- K. And hopefully not any scary street mimes like in Montreal? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Is there anything to do in Edmonton, Alberta? Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 05:01:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Darla (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I'm thinking of visiting it this July... > > Is there funny stuff in Edmonton that I don't know about? > > Well yes, but only if you change you plans and go at the end of May, in > which case Vlad and I will be there. > > If you arrange to be there then, we will take you to the West Edmonton Mall, > but only if you promise to wear a striped tee shirt tucked neatly into navy > blue poplin shorts, some red Keds, and to hold our hands while you are near > the wave machine. Also, you will have to wash your hands after touching > ANYthing, and tell the nice people at the HoJo that you are eighteen or > under so you can stay in our room for free. You WILL have a good time, > too. If you don't, we can always drop you off in Hayden Lake on our way to > Vancouver, so you just mind your manners, young man. > > DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS INTERNET AROUND!!! Well, I was thinking about staying in that Holiday Inn (because they apparently don't have Super 8 or Motel 6 in Canada or other primitive regions) but not until July 20-29 because that's when the super-awesometastic Klondike Festival is there so that I can put on my cowboy hat and wander in yelling, "HEY, THIS IS JUST COPIED FROM THE COUNTY FAIRS WE GOT DOWN THERE IN TEXAS!" At the beginning of July I'll be in a different part of Canada -- excuse me, Le C‡nada -- where they speak this weird synthetic language they made up. (I think "STCUM" is one syllable.) I suspect that in late May I won't feel like travelling (read: I'll be out of money) because in early May I'll be in Minneapolis and in June and July I'm going to Canada twice, and besides, if I went to Edmonton in late May instead of late July, it would be five hundred degrees colder and my toes would snap off. So, tell you what we can do: If you leave a secret note for me slipped under the mattress (above the Magic Fingers) I promise to read it if I get the same room in that Holiday Inn. Hey, the Edmonton Holiday Inn has a classy restaurant named "Burgundy"! -> Cafe Burgundy has a daily lunch buffet and also offers a Pizza Hut -> Express Menu. (Red wine goes great with fast-food pizza served on greasy plates.) They also have a cybercafŽ called "Networks", and I am quoting this verbatim: -> Networks has a weekday continental buffet.This cyber cae offers food -> services in a relaxed caalm environment. Surf the net on the high -> speed internet, enjoy a latte from the cappucinno bar or watch tv -> with getting all your eardrums busted. Great place to relax and read -> a newspaper or a magazine. ...at least after you're deaf. Well, I've got to give them partial credit for spelling "cyber" correctly, if not "cafŽ". Still, the Edmonton Holiday Inn doesn't have an Ellis Island-themed casino attached to it. Edmonton's got a long way to go to catch up to the goofiness level of Las Vegas USA! -- K. They're simultaneously planning THREE new casinos with San Francisco themes. (One is named "Frisco" just to annoy San Franciscans.) However, they don't have any Edmonton-themed casinos. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: More things you can buy that you didn't ask for. Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 08:59:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Yet more evidence supporting my theory that people think that other people will buy anything -- these are all actual items you would own if you weren't me: (1) Know those clear shells of thick plastic you can put around a camera to go scuba diving? Well, now you can get one of those with a disposable cardboard camera sealed inside. Kodak is selling a disposable _underwater_ camera. It's perfect for those of you planning to go diving exactly once in your life -- snap up to 27 photos of blue water, then toss the camera into the nearest recycling bin! Remember, it's not a waste of anything if you recycle it! (2) The fifth "Leprechaun" movie, "Leprechaun In The Hood". The evil midget turns out to be the driving force behind Ice-T's career. I couldn't have made this up, because my "evil midget" and "blaxploitation" neurons aren't in parts of my brain that touch. (3) Orange (colored) eggplants. "Wow! It looks like a carrot but it still tastes like an eggplant!" -- K. Coming soon: brussels beets, seedless peanuts, and banarooms. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Evil Eggplant! Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 04:33:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Okay, last night I complained that you can now get eggplant with noxious orange skin as well as the soothing purple kind everyone loves. Well, today I had another frightening eggplant encounter. In fact, I'm having it right now. As I type this, I am on an eggplant-powered bus. Well, not really -powered, just -sponsored. The bus has a big picture of a purple eggplant plastered on the side. (One of those "bus wrappers" that covers the whole bus, including the windows, and only restricts visibility about as much as a thick layer of Vaseline would.) This eggplant is standing upright and is... smiling. Yes, it's an eggplant with a scary happy face. (Apparently the head part of an eggplant is near the stem, and the big end is the butt.) The caption says "CHANGING THIS PART (the eggplant's face) <-- STARTS WITH THIS PART" \--> (the eggplant's butt) Huh? Wuh? Guh? The most sense I can make of that is, "When you diaper an eggplant, start at the top. Always diaper your eggplant's face." And if that's not exactly it, I have no idea what message they're trying to convey. It's an ad for some entity called "nutrio.com", which is odd given that it looks like an eggplant and not a nutria... unless... OH MY GOD, THE REASON IT HAS A FACE IS THAT IT'S HALF-EGGPLANT, HALF-NUTRIA!!! Call the exterminator! -- K. Don't get me started about the time I had to read a prominent literary magazine's slush pile and the best-written item in the whole pile was a sexual fantasy about a white eggplant. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil Eggplant! Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 05:15:55 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The bus has a big picture of a purple eggplant plastered on the side. > > (One of those "bus wrappers" that covers the whole bus [...]) > > I, incidentally, am the sort of person who desperately needs these buses > to bear signs reading, "YES, THIS IS A REAL BUS WHICH YOU CAN RIDE, AND > DOES NOT EXIST SOLELY TO OBNOXIOUSLY PUSH ADVERTISING INTO YOUR FACE." If it did, I'd keep trying to use my remote control to turn it off. Or at least turn it to TNT in case they're showing Barbarella. > I am otherwise convinced that the bus is something like those > vertically-squashed billboard trucks, and stand perfectly still goggling > at it, while I try to figure out if it is, in fact, a real bus, or while I > wait for it to leave and be replaced by a real, unadorned bus. You live in a city that still has real buses? Pretty much all the ones on the most important routes here have been wrapped. Some of the subway trains have been wrapped, too. They should pay me to wrap my car in an ad for something. And they should give me a car. > I once missed a plane because the airport bus was wrapped in an ad for a > TNT movie about either the Civil War, or the Old West. All TNT movies are > about either the Civil War, or the Old West, unless Ted Turner is mad at > Jane Fonda, in which case all TNT movies are Barbarella. At most other times he's mad at Marc Singer. -- K. Someday he'll have the idea for "Beastmaster: The Series" and then we'll be sorry. Today I made the mistake of telling Matt McIrvin that the Las Vegas Hilton has a Star Trek half and and Elvis half and he could have either a Star Trek wedding or an Elvis wedding, but how he's holding out to be married by Star Trek Elvis, and now that he's invented Star Trek Elvis he's going to make a billion dollars just to annoy me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil Eggplant! Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 04:32:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > As I type this, I am on an eggplant-powered bus. Well, not really > > -powered, just -sponsored. The bus has a big picture of a purple > > eggplant plastered on the side. (One of those "bus wrappers" that > > covers the whole bus, including the windows, and only restricts > > visibility about as much as a thick layer of Vaseline would.) > > > > This eggplant is standing upright and is... smiling. > > I was in traffic next to such a bus and its billboard only moments ago. > I thought about posting about it for a minute, but the need to forget > that I ever saw that image took over. "I'm sorry, officer, I had a good excuse for hitting that school bus. I had to close my eyes so as to not see the smiling eggplant's butt." > [quoting a Web page] > ``So when eggplant reached the Middle East 1,000 years ago, it's not > surprising that the most famous physicians of the Middle Ages warned > against it. Avicenna claimed it caused melancholia, and Rhazes cautioned > that it inflamed the blood and caused pustules in the mouth. It was widely > believed to cause cancer, insanity and freckles.'' All's I can say is that I eat lots of eggplant and, look, no freckles! "Cancer, insanity, and freckles" is a nice combination. You could show up at the triage cubicle at Mass General Hospital and say "Let me in, I have CANCER!" and they'd make you fill out forms until it was too late. But if you said "I have cancer... insanity... and FRECKLES!" they would rush you right in and kick all the other patients out so that you could have the undivided attention of the world's greatest Freckle Insanity specialists. And hey, does anyone remember my post from two weeks ago about how those nutty Macrobioticians won't eat eggplant because it's related to tomatoes and they still think that tomatoes are poisonous? I think a better reason would be that they should avoid eating eggplant because eggplant thinks Macrobioticians are poisonous! Also they should avoid eating the two fundamental constituents of eggplants, eggs and plants! > > It's an ad for some entity called "nutrio.com" > > Nutrias make me think of tilapias Tilapias make me think of blennies in chalupas. NEW! THE OPPOSITE OF THE GORDITA, THE SLIMITA! DRIPPING WITH BLENNIOID SLIME! > > -- K. > > > > Don't get me started about > > the time I had to read a > > prominent > > literary magazine's slush > > pile and the best-written > > item in the whole pile was > > a sexual > > fantasy about a white > > eggplant. Waah! Peter, your quoting gave me retroactive tab damage! -- K. And chromosomal damage! Blebs all over my fragile Berthold Baskerville Book "X" chromosome! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A disease to worry about. Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 09:04:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "robert lindsay" (rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > From the Web site of our national government's Centers for Disease Control, > > Division of Parasitic Diseases: > > > > -> There is no known curative treatment for Brainerd diarrhea. > > A kid in my highschool was named Brainerd. I can't remember if it was > -erd or -ard. Everybody hated him. You were just jealous of the fact that he had his own personal kind of designer diarrhea and you didn't. -- K. Never pay retail for diarrhea. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.recovery.clutter,alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cartons and crates of papers and booklets Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 09:16:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.recovery.clutter and alt.religion.kibology, Darla (darla4695@sprint.ca) wrote: > > Don Saklad (dsaklad@zurich.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > > > I've been paring down 200 supermarket orange cartons and > > crates of papers and booklets. Some are stacked 7 cartons > > high. ... > > What other hints, tips and pointers are there to complete > > the task more speedily?... > > One word, Don: FLAMETHROWER. Don, be sure to get one of those new symmetrical flamethrowers where the two ends are utterly indistinguishable, and be careful to rest one end of it firmly against your chest when you squeeze the trigger. It's 50% more fun that way! (On average.) -- K. Also try doing this in a spacious luxury cabin on the fabulous Hindenburg. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Alien Starship Emission Guide? Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 09:25:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > sound berior are you talking about or light? no diferance. The forward > force of a wave is all the conductor will allow. light is conducted in > the sea of space. Its not the fastest thing. > Your at 30000 light years from the center of galixy im from 32 from > center. Im 2000 years older than U. But im from the oter side of the > center of this galixy. Im just like U but . I have one kidny. Webbed > feet. Long hair..just a man from another town...hehehe > Except Im hee to bring back jesus. > Or what ever I think will plese god. > But Id be pleased if hungry kids ate good. > They nead shoes too. > Im lerning fast comprena. That's odd, while you're tying, the rest of us are unlearning. (After reading several of your articles I'm having trouble spelling wurds.) By the way, having one kidney is no big deal (with or without the "e".) Let us know when you get to zero (or fewer.) -- K. I only have one brane! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Here comes a meme! Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 09:30:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > U got that shit right. There suspost to be smart be their te bumbest > mutherfucers alive. Whereas you, on the other hand, are as intelligent as an average dumbledee. Ladies and gentlemen of the Internet, I humbly submit that we should, nay, MUST use the word "bumb" in as many sentences as possible. Here's an example: "People who think it's spelled 'bumb' are bumb!" -- K. I like how WebTV solved the eternal debate about Internet censorship by only attracting users who don't know how to spell dirty words. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: FORCE -- What It REALLY IS ! Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 09:56:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, our old friend Robert McElwaine (rem7@SpiritMail.zzn.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > According to the GENERAL UNIFIED Theory of the Physical > > Universe developed by the late Physicist Dewey B. Larson, > > each force is a MOTION, or a COMBINATION OF MOTIONS, or a > > RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MOTIONS, including INWARD and OUTWARD > > SCALAR MOTIONS, in the form of TRANSLATIONAL, VIBRATIONAL, > > ROTATIONAL, or ROTATIONAL-VIBRATIONAL motions. Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net replied: > > [...] > > Spaceis made of electrons that apear and exspand. But the condenced > energy that makes up mater dose not exspand. You are pushed nown to erth > because theres more energy expanding ubove you than bellow. And lo! Parading across our screens! Dancing and sparkling and twinkling and tweeting! Here come THE DANCING BEARS OF KOOKS IN COLLISION! Ur, escuxe mee, TEH DANSING BARES OFF KOKES INN COLISSOIN! They dance! They sparkle! They twinkle! They tweet! They talk about Dewey Larson's "Suction & Pressure" physics! They misspell their entire theory! No, wait, "Suction & Pressure" was Alfred Lawson's, not Dewey Larson's. But -- and this is the important step that proves my whole theory -- Larson and Lawson are the same name, just both misspelled! Aflred Dooey Lawrson wuz al won persun! MISSPELLINGG IZ TEH KEA TOO HTE GRNAD UNIFICASHUN OFF AL THOERIES! "The stomach is another Suction station that is subordinate to the center of SuctionÑthe heart." -- Lawson, "Lawsononmy Volume One", Chapter 19 "An independent mation at unit speed is alsa o progression, but it rr~sr~ change from one of the passible tgpes of simple motion ta another, ~~' ~t~F Prrd n~ ~ i~~~t nr~lt~r ~ ." -- Larson, quoted at http://www.interpres.cz/sr/dbl/cor/880603larfran.htm -- K. P.S.: ~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~r~~~~~! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Send your politician in for service now. Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2000 10:18:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The morning news was supposed to be telling me that John Deere has recalled 112,000 lawnmowers. But the newsreader lady (if you can call this newsreading) said "John Deere has recalled 112,000 lawmakers"... and then a moment later she said "lawmakers" again while telling us to check our lawmakers for a black stripe. I heard that James Kerasiotes (in charge of the Big Dig, now 3 billion dollars off course) got fired today but I wonder who the other 111,999 are. Maybe if we're lucky they just fired Kerasiotes 112,000 times. This sort of mental imagery is what makes the 6 A.M. news worth watching. News seen through a myopic haze! -- K. She's squinting at the teleprompter. I think she doesn't want to wear contacts because then she'd look really old. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Warning: STCUM may contain peanuts. Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 07:07:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From the Web site of MontrŽal's subway, the S.T.C.U.M.: -> Pourquoi peut-on parfois sentir une odeur d'arachide dans le mŽtro? -> -> Des freins mŽcaniques relaient les freins Žlectriques dans les -> derniers 20 mtres de parcours des rames. Ils sont destinŽs ˆ rendre -> le freinage plus agrŽable pour les usagers. Ils sont formŽs de sabots -> de bois de merisier enduis d'huile d'arachide, ce qui crŽe l'odeur -> particulire perue lors de freinages ˆ grande vitesse. -> -> Why can you sometimes smell peanuts in the mŽtro? -> -> Mechanical brakes relay the electrical brakes in the last 20 metres -> of the train's run. They are meant to make the braking process more -> pleasant for the passengers. They are cast in brake shoes made of -> cherry wood coated with peanut oil, which produces the particular -> odour that is perceived when the train brakes at high speeds. Hmm, I wonder why Mayor Giuliani hasn't thought of doing this for New York's subways. Saying that the odor is there for a purpose. "The brakes are dipped in urine to make the trip more pleasant." Or they could just try covering up the smell of the urine by burning ten gallons of sesame oil and a few cloves of garlic marinated in lutefisk. -- K. In French, peanuts are spiders! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God and curses Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 07:20:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > God may be some times walks away from people. I guess that could make a > curse worse. > > That may be made a curse worse against people associated with Old Dominion > University in Norfolk Va. > > [...] > > The curse against people associated with ODU may have spread. NASA Langely > sends money to people associated with ODU. God may be spread the curse > against people associated with NASA Langley. From those people the curse > spread to people associated with NASA. Also the curse would be against > their families. The curse may have destroyed a space shuttle. Part of > Hubble telescope was done by people associated with ODU. May be the curse > spread to the Hubble telescope. > The curse may have spread against Boeing planes. No, no, it's contagious cootie contaminations which run ridiculously rampant among noodle-necked NASA nerds. Also alliteratively assonant affectations. Boeing planes, on the other hand, have their own dirty little secrets. Know those barf bags? And ever wonder where they go when they're full? Maybe they go to the GALLEY! Delta always serves bagels in little bags just like those only with a round blue sticker on them! You know, just like those round blue dots they put on the back sides of Ohio highway signs to indicate the route to the secret U.N. gas chambers disguised as Amtrak stations! You can follow the dots just by driving backwards along the highway! Try it! -- K. I know Boeing's barf bags aren't real because NASA (a division of Boeing) doesn't put any on the Space Shuttle! P.S. Why do the wackos always assume there must be some conspiratorial and/or religious explanation for the Space Shuttle _Challenger_ instead of "Rockets are powered by incredibly dangerous explosives!" I would think the conspiracy/divine theories would be more believable if they were about something _safe_ exploding, like a Nerf ball destroying Manhattan. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God and curses Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 05:10:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > [...] > > I think God is killing people, hurting people and destroying people. If > he gets out of jail God will probably keep killing people, hurting people > and destroying people. If he does not get out of jail God will probably > kill extra people, hurt extra people and destroy extra people. I have several theories about this. (1) God got busted for creating crystal meth! (2) God got caught with his pants down while buying cherub porn! (3) God threw batteries at a Mets outfielder from directly above! (4) God was videotaped slipping a Snickers into his pants at the Safeway! But I don't know why one is true. Now, for the first time, YOU can help ME. VOTE on the real reason that God got put away! The reason that gets the most votes will become a chapter in The Bible! -- K. All submission to The Bible become the property of Kibo. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God and curses Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 04:42:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > [...doo-dah, doo-dah...] > > God has created curses against people associated with the U.S. > > At the end there will be justice. Say thank you to the curses even if they > kill you and your family. I'll only say "thanks" to the curses that misfire and whiz right past me and glom onto Bob Hope. -- K. I apologize for using a big word like "glom" here in this serious physics newsgroup. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A short story with no obvious twists in it. Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 08:15:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A NAUGHTY WORLD OF NOT "E" "If I can go this story (from start to finish) without saying an 'E' I will win a fabulous gift!" said lil' Spot, hopping up and down at his local savings and loan branch's walk-in banking window. "Hush, Spot," said his chum Doctor Al. "It's just a stupid promo to grab your cash. Stop your loud barks as I am looking up works by L. Ron Hubbard." Doctor Al was flipping through a book which had a frontal volcano. "Bawl!" was Spot's cry as Spot saw sliding blinds go down past that window to shut it. "Now I shan't win a fantastically bitchin' gift!" Not all was lost: Spot still had his virginity! But not for long... Spot put on his tight vinyl bikini bottom and tank top to go for a jog. (Spot didn't know Spot was so hot.) But at that point, Spot was unlucky and caught an assault from a randy local thug who brutally taught Spot many ins and outs. That hurt! "Sob!" was Spot's only word, in pain. Right now, Doctor Al put down his book, ran up to that thug, and hit him in his larynx. Thug fall down, go boom! Too bad, poor thug! But, this thug spun about to land on Spot's bag of potato chips. SNAP! CRACK! POP! Spot's chips got sat on and got flat fast! Chip bits all across this plaza! "Waah!" Spot was bawling as usual! Doctor Al stood on his unconscious thug's gut and was proud of his tough victory. But now Spot had no snack and no fabulously fantasticalariffic gift. "It's okay, Spot," said Doctor Al, "As long as you maintain your good skill at using no 'E's in any of your words." "Yay! I am totally un-'E'! Not an 'E' in sight!" was Spot's triumphal howl. But now a thought struck him. "But, Doc, I just said 'E' with "'" around it. Is that okay?" "Uh-huh, Spot, that is not bad. Do it all you want." "Hooray! It's totally rad if I say 'E' in quotes!" said Spot, not noticing his slip of using an 'E' in an actual word. Spot was a stupid nitwit bozo twit dum-dum dog who said an 'E'! And as dogs go, dogs who say 'E' stay stupid. ~ FINIS ~ -- K. I only did this work of fiction so my laptop's input buttons would all adopt similar amounts of shiny spots on top. P.S.: JQXZJQXZJQXZJQXZ!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A short story with no obvious twists in it. Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 22:07:53 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [re Kibo's reference to some of the keys on his keyboard being shinier than others] David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Since I post a lot to Usenet, my D, U and H keys are almost > completely worn down to a nub. I post a lot too, but the D, U, and H keys are the only ones that AREN'T worn down! > Also "!" and "1". > > And NOW! A short story *with* an obvious twist in the middle! > > > Koko the Happy Bunny was travelling through the forest > one day when he met Zazu the Friendly Ferret. "Hi!" > said Koko! "Hi!" said Zazu! Zazu and Koko > were friends, and they loved to play to > gether. "Shall we play?" said > Zazu. "Of course!" said > Koko. It was so much > fun! They played > all day, and > almost > didn't > no > t <- YOINK > eci > taht > saw emit > gnisrever > !wolf s'ti hO" > deirc "!ssendoog > rehtar si sihT" .okoK > dias okoK nehT "!lausunu > tuB "!uzaZ hO ?od ew llahs thaW" > uoy ,ssa ym ssiK" delley tsuj uzaZ > deppoh he yawa neht dnA "!ynnub diputs. > .dooh eht ni syobemoh sih htiw top ekoms ot > > THE > DNE! Okay, if you're going to get all serious with me, let me report on the specific details of my keyboards. My laptop computer, which I've only had for six months, has a space bar that is very glossy on the right but still has its original pebbly finish on the left, which is odd because I do use both thumbs on it when I touch-type. (I hit it both times on each end during this paragraph.) The left shift key is shiny and the right one isn't (I only shift with my left hand.) The letters are worn in the usual pattern (ETAOIN SHRDLU are shiny, CMUG YPW BVK JQXZ are still textured.) On my main computer, which has a keyboard I've been using for ten years (a wonderful keyboard that turns out to have been worth the inflated $160 price) everything is shiny. Both ends of the space bar are super-shiny, all the letters are shiny, the control key (used to fire guns at people in games) is shiny, and even the backspace key is really shiny. In fact, even the plastic _around_ the edges of the keyboard is shiny from collateral rubbing while I type. And my optical mouse, after about five years of use, wore most of the grid lines off the solid metal mousepad, so now there's a big featureless no-grid zone in the middle which is a Sargasso sea that swallows cursors. So I bought one of those new optical mice that doesn't need a pad and now I'm waiting for it to wear a hole in my desk. -- K. Incidentally, for the past week, a beautiful sinkhole (shaped like a toilet seat) has been growing in the middle of the insersection outside my building. The central hole is now about seven inches across (looking down into blackness) and its penumbra (the toilet seat part) is about two feet of sagging asphalt around it. It's only a week old, but I can't wait for it to swallow its first car soon. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A short story with no obvious twists in it. Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 16:50:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Quinn Inuit (quinn_inuit@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Incidentally, for the past week, a beautiful sinkhole (shaped like > > > a toilet seat) has been growing in the middle of the insersection > > > outside my building. [...] > > > I can't wait for it to swallow its first car soon. > > > > What? No cones? You could fall in! > > If we look at it from the cones' perspective, though, they might be > even more worried about falling into the sinkhole than we are, since > they'd have to stand there all day. > > I guess the question we'd have to ask ourselves, then, is could we > walk up to a cone and ask it to put its life on the line for us? I > certainly could. I think that the unknowable deep blackness below the hole leads to where all the millions of cones that have already been lost throughout the world wound up. Ever see one of those cross-sections of the Earth where the center is fluorescent orange? That's melted cones! -- K. (The yellowish-orange kind get made into Cheez Whiz.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Plans for first space-based TV studio revealed Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 08:38:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com NEWS!!! FROM!!! THE!!! WORLD!!! OF!!! BAD!!! IDEAS!!! United Press International brings us Michael Smith's article: > > LAS VEGAS, Nev., April 11 (UPI) -- A Washington company plans > to launch the first TV studio in orbit, capable of broadcasting space > sitcoms or celestial concerts. From a small yet extremely noisy tin can that could explode at any moment. Oh, yeah, this is a greaaaaaat idea. Sitcoms will become funnier when Tony Danza is floating around in the tiny ten-foot-wide TV studio. Imagine how funny it will be to see people spill their grape juice upwards in episode after episode after episode! And we'll finally get to hear Archie Bunker flush a space toilet! > Spacehab, Inc., which specializes in building laboratory > modules that fly on the space shuttle, said Tuesday the orbiting studio > will be about the size of a school bus and will be attached to the > International Space Station. Their first original project is "The Partridge Family Gets Lost In Space." > It will be built, at a cost of $100 million, by Spacehab, and > launched in 2002 by Russia's Rocket Space Corporation Energia (RSCE), > Spacehab chairman Shelley Harrison said before Tuesday's announcement in > Las Vegas at the National Association of Broadcasters trade show. > "We're talking about generating content in space," Harrison said, ...because everyone knows that it's important to write the scripts in space. > "and for the first time, getting the people of the planet involved > in space." Huh? Whatever. I'm sure that if I were stupider, I would understand how this is supposed to be more important than all that other space stuff, you know, like that thing with Neil Armstrong. > The content will include news programs, using orbiting cameras > to capture terrestrial events such as weather and natural disasters, he > said. The studio could also produce concerts or educational material, > using footage from the archives of RSCE, which covers the entire space > program of the former Soviet Union, Harrison said. In fact, it could produce anything else it wants from Earth-supplied material flown up to it at a cost of billions of dollars. It would become good because it would be edited in outer space. By guys with crew cuts, drinking recycled urine. > "There's a whole host of things we could do, even space > sitcoms that have material done on earth and interaction with people in > space," Harrison said. Mr. Harrison, have you considered that this just might be a dumb idea? Here, think about this: "Star Trek" as it was actually made, pretending to be in outer space. "Star Trek" as it would actually be made aboard a flying Russian-built school bus-sized tin can that makes a constant grinding noise. I think I'd rather watch the one made by sane people. > The studio will also be able to produce high-bandwidth > Internet content, he said. > The orbiting studio will be part of a space station unit > dubbed Enterprise, which will be the first privately-owned section of the > International Space Station. Also it'll be the first thing named Enterprise ever to be flown on a Space Shuttle, unless you could the Space Shuttle. > Enterprise will also supply additional laboratory space for the station, STAY TUNED FOR "ME, THE CHIMP, AND THE LARGE ELECTROPHORESIS APPARATUS THAT FILLS HALF THE ROOM FOR NO REASON!" > and extra power generation capacity, Harrison said. > It will be attached to the Russian section of the space > station, which is being built jointly by the United States, Canada, > Russia, Japan and the European Union. Yes, but who's going to build the REST of the space station? > Enterprise will be a cylinder about 25 feet long, by 10 feet in diameter, > Harrison said. Well, I see he's got all the details worked out. "WE'LL MAKE SITCOMS IN SPACE! THE BOX WILL BE TEN FEET ACROSS! THINKING TIME IS OVER, WE START TOMORROW!" > The commercial venture is enthusiastically supported by all > the members of the space station consortium, he said. "It has been the > pronounced desire of NASA and the other space agencies...that they want > to get the space station commercial as soon as possible," Harrison said. > A NASA spokesman said the agency would have no comment on the plan. Yeah, NASA couldn't comment on the stupid thing because they were busy sponsoring the movie "Mission To Mars". > But Ian Pryke, head of the European Space Agency's Washington > office, said, "Our bottom-line position on initiatives such as this is > they're fine as long as they're carried out within the international > agreement signed by the parties." > He added that the European agency is considering partly > commercializing its own section of the space station. > Harrison said his company expects to recoup its $100 million > investment within about three years from advertising and other revenue > streams, such as charges for stowage and communication. "LIVE! FROM SPACE! IT'S THE STOWAGE SHOW!" > "We're convinced that space commerce, involving people, is > around the corner," he said. Watch your step! Space is around the corner! Stay on your own block or you could fall off the Earth! > He drew a parallel with satellite telecommunication, which was opened > to private companies in the early 1980s, and is now a global industry. > Spacehab will spin off a subsidiary, Space Media Inc., to > create content using the studio, Harrison said. And don't forget the other subsidiary, "Stupid Venture Capitalists Will Invest In Anything Inc." -- K. Maybe we can convince the Sci-Fi Channel to bring back "Mystery Science Theater 3000" by trapping their execs aboard the Space Station and forcing them to watch bad TV shows produced in space. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.louis-nick,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sticky Labels on Monitors? Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 09:16:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > What's brown and sticky? A STICK! HAW HAW! sorry. > > Ugh, thank God. I thought I was reading the Diaper Gravy thread again. Hey, that reminds me! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! DIAPER GRAVY! That reminds me, I need to finish writing "The Special Show"'s special spinoff. Also I haven't said "liverwort" on the Internet in days. -- K. P.S. I liverwort you! NO GIVEBACKS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sticky Labels on Monitors? Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 09:21:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Stephen Tanner (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...___...] > > This is just like that one play-by-email conquer-the-universe game, where > somebody named all his spaceships things like ''"`'"''``"'', and all his > planets things like ==-_-===-. That way the other players would mail in > orders like "blow up planet ==-_-==-", but they'd type it wrong, and the > game would say "Invalid order! That's not the name of a planet! Your > starships stayed parked in orbit for 10 galactic years because you made a > typo! Stupid galactic overlord!" "Also, you just blew up John_-_Winston!" -- K. This message will be classified by historians as "from Kibo's early 'liverwort' period" because it mentions liverwort. Then the historians of the distant future will fly off on their hovernutria while shouting, "HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM, AND ALSO, GOD BLESS PRESIDENT POTSIE!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sticky Labels on Monitors? Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 04:18:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > This message will be classified by historians as "from Kibo's early > > 'liverwort' period" because it mentions liverwort. > > Hopefully it's also Kibo's late 'liverwort' period. > > IT'S THE EXACT SAME LIVERWORT PERIOD!!!! Okay, I'll stop mentioning liverwort. This message and all future messages will not mention liverwort. No liverwort. Even though "liverwort" isn't the word that destroys the whole Universe if anyone ever says it. -- K. P.S. doidy doidy doidy liverwort ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: On little favor, that's all I ask. Date: Thu, 13 Apr 2000 09:27:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Mork & Mindy: The Movie" starring Stephen Baldwin. The poster tag line: "We Couldn't Get Carrot Top!" Directed by Anson Williams. I DEMAND THAT YOU PEOPLE PRODUCE THIS FILM RIGHT NOW. If you don't, I'll do something cruel, like giving the idea to Hollywood. After all, if they'll make a live-action "Josie & The Pussycats" movie starring Parker Posey, they'll film anything! -- K. Wait, then why aren't *I* in a movie? HOLLYWOOD, I HATE YOU!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Dumb Dream #20000414a. Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 04:39:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Last night I dreamed that Max Weinberg was David Letterman's bandleader before Paul Shaeffer. What species of psychosis is this? -- K. And I am so glad I have never seen Jar Jar in my dreams. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Boston.com and see me.ufo Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 05:22:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > at boston .com. the first earth people to see me ...and they cant > believe some one on the net asked to look and there I am. This is a first. We have a guy who's obsessed with the Boston Public Library, but now we have a kook attaching his suction cups to boston.com. I think this means that at any moment I could snap and start raving that the bronze duck statues in the Boston Public Garden are reading my mind. AND THERE'S A CONSPIRACY TO DIG UP ALL OF DOWNTOWN!!! > flashing my lights at U like i said.n go see for yourself. Okay, going to www.boston.com, which is the Boston Globe's Web site... The headline says: -> MARATHON 2000 -> Kenyans welcomed in Hopkinton -> Chanting "Kenya, Kenya, Kenya," a gymnasium full of -> elementary school students in Hopkinton greeted a dozen -> of the Boston Marathon's most elite runners this morning. I don't think you're Kenyan or an elite anything. Which of the kids were you? By the way, for those of you outside of Massachusetts: I get an extra day to file my taxes and you don't, because on Monday nobody's allowed to go to the Post Office because that might inconvenience the marathoners. (Pennsylvania gets the extra day for their taxes too, because they have to mail them to the same IRS processing center in Massachusetts, but they don't get to enjoy a nice marathon that ends at the front door of the Boston Public Library the way Don Saklad and I do.) > Im in he midle of the big diper flashing red green yellow blue and back > to wt. Okay, I'm looking for a crazy guy in the middle of a big diaper, and I don't see one. Could you please wave your hand so I can see which guy wearing a giant diaper you are? > Give it a week maybe they will realise that is me on the raidio too. > not a earth prank. > Hello down there......Im a alian hehehe > and now the whole world can see me. Can spell better than you, too. > Its hard to miss somthing 3 miles wide and flashing . Tomarow in > flashing sos and they are watching me. Look up Damn, I missed the 3-mile-wide flashing diaper flying through the sky. -- K. Better luck with your space diaper next time. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.botany,sci.agriculture,sci.bio.technology,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Future agriculture combining biotechnology to native wild plants Date: Fri, 14 Apr 2000 05:36:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.bio.botany, sci.agriculture, and sci.bio.technology, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Sorry for the hiatus. I was too busy doing taxes and Springtime planting > of trees. So how many paragraphs did you cram into the "Occupation" blank on your Form 1040? I know you didn't put down "Dishwasher" because you're not a professional dishwasher any more, and there's no such word as "Ex-Dishwasher". What did you put down? "King Of Science And Logic And Not A Dishwasher"? > But now am back to resume my science dialogue. Yay! Archie wouldn't be able to have a dialogue if I stopped talking to him! Archie must be so glad that I am his only friend. > A thought occurred to me recently. I am planting a lot of pine & spruce > trees. But the one I favor the most is Korean pine because of its edible > large nut. Now at least we know one thing about Archie: He can't be a Korean pine because he's an inedible large nut. > [...] > > Another example, we have mulberry and chokecherries that grow native and > wild here. They need no encouraging. Now we know even more: Archie cannot be a mulberry or chokeberry. -- K. I like encourageberries, which need choking. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: A Hippie, Er, Hip New Advance In Psychotherapy. Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 05:05:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I found little green leaflets tacked to a bulletin board in a local subway station: -> A RADICAL, NEW DIMENSION TO CONVENTIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPY: -> THE CHANDRA TECHNIQUE -> --------------------- -> In psychotherapy, the principal task is going behind a person's -> defenses to the thoughts and emotions that lie behind the defenses. -> A very concrete and physical manifestation of a person's defense -> is the clothing a person wears. Clothes serve as defenses in -> relation to the outside world. My clients shed their clothing -> for their psychotherapy sessions as they would in many other -> health procedures. Whether they do so is up to them; it is not -> a requirement for psychotherapy. For male clients it is only -> the clothing above the waist. For female clients, as much as -> they would like to. Other than the clothing factor, my clients -> talk as they would talk in talk therapy. This procedure -> facilitiates the emergence of the thoughts and feelings that are -> behind the defenses. Only for people with previous experience -> in psychotherapy. Day, evening and weekend appointments. "DOCTOR... I'M AN EXHIBITIONIST!" (somewhere in the world, a trombone goes "womp, womp, wa... wa...") -- K. After "Only for people with previous experience" he forgot to say "No weirdos." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Ad Roach Frightens Viewers Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 05:34:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > "Roger Douglas (new Durian Recipe)" (rdouglas@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > > > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > > > > Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > > > > > > > [re the "fake roach printed on your TV screen" trick as > > > > seen on "The X-Files"] > > > > > > > > So this new David Duchovny movie? His wife dies? And her heart's > > > > transplanted into someone else? And he falls in love with her? > > > > > > Ah, I see... the heart got transplanted, therefore they fall in love. > > > > What? He fell in love with his wife after she died and had her heart > > removed? Now that's CRAZY! Boy, they make some sick movies these days. > > AND THEN SHE STARTED KILLING PEOPLE BECAUSE IT WAS A CRAZY HEART! > > AND SHE HAD THE PROPORTIONAL STRENGTH AND SPEED OF A HEART! > > AND AN UNCANNY "HEART SENSE"! > > AND SHE TASTED LIKE HORMEL CHILI! MMMM, HEARTY! > > and these dreams go on when i close my eyes. I want to have a Necco Conversation Heart implanted into my chest and then I'll go around saying "BE MINE" all day. And I'd taste like chalk. Now, if I could just rewind this thread a bit: I want to make a TV commercial for "Happy Days" in which Potsie appears to run across the screen to see if I get sued by anyone who thinks that Potsie is actually running around in front of the glass. (He will be wearing a T-shirt that says "I AM ON THE OUTSIDE, SO IT IS OKAY TO THROW A BOWLING BALL AT ME.") It would be like those videotapes of aquaria designed to entertain cats except it would be designed to annoy idiots. But otherwise it's the same idea. -- K. If you want to hear about heart pain, today I watched the movies "SpaceCamp", "Blues Brothers 2000", and "Burn Hollywood Burn An Alan Smithee Film". Ow! Also today I saw a person suffering from St. Vitus's Dance. I tried to join in, just to be polite. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Ad Roach Frightens Viewers Date: Sun, 16 Apr 2000 21:54:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you want to hear about heart pain, today I watched the movies > > "SpaceCamp", "Blues Brothers 2000", and "Burn Hollywood Burn > > An Alan Smithee Film". Ow! > > Yeah, but of those three, only "Burn Hollywood Burn" was bad *all* > the way through. The other two only exhibited intermittent severe > brain damage. I don't know, I think that the presence of the wacky robot with the voice of the talking dolphin from "seaQuest DSV", plus the fact that NASA tried to kill the kids by first putting them aboard a real space shuttle while test-firing the engines (in Huntsville, Alabama) and then they remotely closed the Space Shuttle doors while the astronauts were still outside is a little more than just "severe brain damage". We're talking the film has some, NASA has some, Steve Spielberg has a bunch, and definitely the robot did. Could someone please inform Hollywood that robots, space aliens, and dolphins do not all sound like the guy who played Freddy on "Scooby-Doo"? As far as "Blues Brothers 2000" goes, by popular request, here is the entire script for the next one: BLUE BROTHERS 6000 II ACT I SCENE I FADE IN, VERY SLOWLY. SHOW DAN AYKROYD STANDING MOTIONLESS FOR EIGHT HOURS. THEN SHOW HIM RE-ENACTING EVERY SCENE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE IN EXTRA-SLOW MOTION LIKE HE IS UNDERWATER AND EXTREMELY FRAGILE IN HIS OLD AGE. BE CAREFUL NOT TO SHOW ANYONE TRYING HARD TO BE ENTERTAINING, JUST SHOW JUNIOR VERSIONS OF ALL THE SCENES THAT WERE ENTERTAINING BACK WHEN PEOPLE WERE TRYING 18 YEARS BEFORE THIS MOVIE WAS RELEASED IN 1998. KEEP MENTIONING THAT THIS MOVIE TAKES PLACE EXACTLY 18 YEARS AFTER THE ORIGINAL (1980) BECAUSE THIS IS CALLED "BLUES BROTHERS 2000" AND 1980 PLUS 18 IS 2000. ALSO REPLACE JOHN BELUSHI WITH SOMEONE WHO IS JUST AS TALENTED BUT DON'T EVER ALLOW THE CAMERA TO LOOK AT HIM BECAUSE DAN AYKROYD IS A GENIUS. THE END. P.S. THIS SCRIPT IS IN ALL CAPITALS BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD. > You probably heard news reports about how bad "Burn Hollywood Burn An > Alan Smithee Film" was, and how it *actually became* an Alan Smithee film > for the usual reason. I can testify that this was not just a publicity > stunt. I figured out this movie when I realized that it was Joe Eszterhas' > version of "Neanderthal Park": if he had been a mad scientist instead of a > mad screenwriter, it would show Richard "Platypus Man" Jeni made up to > look like Albert Einstein with a PowerPoint-like bullet list on the screen > identifying him as "Albert Einstein: Liar, Douchebag, Crackpot, Feminist, > Slept in the White House." Also the word "fuck" would be replaced with the words "Hershey bar" all fifteen thousand times. And it would be an IMAGINARY movie. -- K. I am imagining that Archie is making this imaginary movie, when in reality Archie isn't even pretending to make this one, yay. P.S. Want a BAD idea for a movie? At this moment I am watching "Demon Seed", in which Julie Christie is raped by her superintelligent house, and that guy who wrote that one Grateful Dead song gets strangled by floating cardboard Tetra-Links(TM) and Robert Vaughn plays the voice of the robot baby. Also, being raped by a computer is like looking at a Spirograph for a while. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Ad Roach Frightens Viewers Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 17:15:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle" (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > P.S. Want a BAD idea for a movie? At this moment I am watching "Demon > > Seed", in which Julie Christie is raped by her superintelligent house, > > that guy who wrote that one Grateful Dead song gets strangled by > > floating cardboard Tetra-Links(TM) [...] > > What the hell are Tetra-Links? Large cardboard pyramids spray-painted gold that float through the air and connect up in a chain. The evil home computer with the voice of Robert Vaughn wishes really hard and they spontaneously appear in the basement laboratory, then they start chasing people around the house. I know they are Tetra-Links because the end of the movie has a big credit for the guy they bought the Tetra-Links from. "Oh no! I'm being strangled by one-eighth of Rubik's Magic Snake!" -- K. I wish they put breakfast sausage in Tetra-Pak containers so we could all enjoy Tetra-Links. Of course, said sausage would probably taste more like Tetra-Min. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TV Ad Roach Frightens Viewers Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 17:10:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "Blues Brothers 2000" (1998), "Burn Hollywood Burn An Alan > > Smithee Film" (no punctuation in the title, please) and "SpaceCamp" > > (a movie containing very little actual camp)] > > > > I don't know, I think that the presence of the wacky robot with the > > voice of the talking dolphin from "seaQuest DSV", plus the fact that > > NASA tried to kill the kids by first putting them aboard a real space > > shuttle while test-firing the engines (in Huntsville, Alabama) and > > then they remotely closed the Space Shuttle doors while the astronauts > > were still outside is a little more than just "severe brain damage". > > OK, I should phrase it differently. > > "Blues Brothers 2000" was a sequel that probably should not have been > made, since by the time it gets around to delivering some actual > entertainment, it is just a somewhat lower-quality version of the same > entertainment that is in the original movie, with more Dan Ayckroyd > creative control. You need to work on your circumlocutions. Instead of "more Dan Aykroyd creative control" you could have just said "it was made by a moron." I mean, the man believed that "Ghostbusters" was a documentary. > "SpaceCamp" suffered from incurable stupidity because if it had not been > stupid there would have been no story; then there was some unnecessary > stupidity actually added on top of that. Of course, it was rendered more > painful on original theatrical release due to spectacularly bad timing. Yeah, they should have scheduled its debut reight BEFORE the Challenger exploded, like they did with "Marooned" and Apollo 13. The people who made "Marooned" clearly checked the flight schedule for upcoming exploding spaceships and beat NASA to the punch. By the way, the scene in "Apollo 13" where Marilyn Lovell has the nightmare is a heck of a lot more entertaining than the entire movie "Marooned" which caused said nightmare. "Marooned" (aka "Trapped In Space") is one of those movies where it should have been disqualified from its Best Effects Oscar for just being really bad. (And having bad special effects, too, but I feel that overall boringness should disqualify you from technical awards.) > However, both of these movies contained detectable levels of > entertainment. "Burn Hollywood Burn An Alan Smithee Film" just makes you > want to gouge out your own eyeballs. It's actually worse than "Baby > Geniuses." It's worse than "Invasion From Inner Earth." It's far worse > than "Manos: The Hands Of Fate." I wouldn't say it's worse than ""Manos" The Hands of Fate" (watch that punctuation, again. It's crucial with bad movies to mis-punctuate the title exactly the same way the filmmakers said to do it.) "Manos" and "Burn" are both in that range where they score a 0 on all conceivable measurement scales (including width and length -- they're so bad that they contract into singularities from their adhesive badness force) and so I don't believe movies that are off the bottom of the scale can be compared in any meaningful way. "Which is better, the square root of negative one durian, or sitting through "Burn Hollywood Burn An Alan Smithee Film"?" > It made the other two films look good, or at least competently made. But yes, "Baby Geniuses" was considerably better because it did have some kind of story. Sure, it was stupid and apallingly offensive and garbled and obnoxious, but at least we could FIND a story. And occasionally the plot was advanced by having some people walk around instead of just showing us slides with bulleted lists. > Which reminds me to ask: Who is giving Eric Idle career advice? Hey, he did a movie with Orson Welles, Leonard Nimoy, Judd Nelson, Robert Stack, Scatman Crothers, Roger C. Carmel, Casey Kasem, Frank Welker, Don Messick, and Walker Edmiston! That one must have been good just on the basis of that cast! In fact, I know it was awesome because the movie poster said -> Beyond good. Beyond evil. Beyond your wildest imagination. And because the primary voice of contemporary crticism, the Internet Movie Database (IMDB), says: -> User Comments: Either tap in or get lost. You'll be missing -> a great film if you don't though. So I would have to say that Eric Idle is smarter than you because he was in a movie with Orson Welles and you weren't. -- K. In the movie in question, Orson Welles played a talking planet named "Unicron". I wonder how long the makeup took. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: LEEBWATCH (was Re: Re-activating more dormant brain cells.) Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 17:20:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Carlos "Froggy" May (froggy@neosoft.com) wrote: > > Do the guests at Kibological weddings throw PEZ? They didn't when I divorced Barbara Bain and married Juliet Landau last year, a fact which people keep forgetting because I think you people secretly WANT me to still be married to Barbara Bain. Well, I'm scheduled to divorce Juliet Landau sometime this summer (I'm getting tired of her not being on TV any more) so I'm currently shopping for a new wife, so if you people want me to get back together with Barbara Bain you'll have to pay me a lot more than a few rolls of Cherry Pez. Sure, she has a great sense of humor, but she's gradually changing into a skull coated with Turtle Wax... -- K. See the movie "Spirit Of '76" to see what she looked like as of the late nineties. See her episode of "The Dick Van Dyke Show" to see her at the height of her va-va-va-voom... with no annoying Martin Landau! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Edward Gorey Memorial Haiku Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2000 17:23:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit+ark@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > E is for Edward > Who died the way that he lived: > Smothered in his fur. "Detritus!" said the pins in the bloody cloth tomato. "Disease, disaster, disquietus!" The body was buried in The Rabbits' Restroom. I'm sorry to hear Ed Gorey died. This means that next season, PBS's "Mystery" will have to switch to a title sequence animated by Peter Max. -- K. "Look! Diana Rigg's head popped open and a rainbow containing only yellow and orange came out! It's cheery!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Oprah To Debut New Mag Called 'O' Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 04:22:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com A month or so ago I told you, in a horrified tone of voice, that Oprah would be taking over Peter W. Czernich's <> magazine. Today it surfaced again, in two articles from the Associated Press. -> Subject: Oprah To Debut New Mag Called 'O' -> -> NEW YORK (AP) -- It may not be all Oprah, all the time, but Oprah -> Winfrey's new magazine, O, comes pretty close. -> Guess who will grace the cover of every issue for the -> ``foreseeable future''? Um... someone really overexposed and egotistical? -> And there's plenty more of Oprah inside, too. SHE IS NOT FAT, YOU MEANIE! -> Essays from the magazine's creator and lead personality, Maybe someday some alchemist can change her personality to gold. -> titled ``Let's Talk'' and ``What I Know for Sure,'' are at the very -> beginning and very end of each issue. -> Then there's ``Oprah to Go,'' cutout cards with inspiring -> quotations chosen by the talk show host. Wow! You'll be able to cut them out and throw them away! However, I suspect that it's more likely that she intends us to carry them in our wallets so that when confronted with a moral dilemma, we can ask ourselves, "What would Oprah do?" and then pull out the card that says "Oprah is my lord and master. Read <> magazine." -> The magazine, which is a partnership with Hearst Corp., goes on -> sale Wednesday. Fans need not worry that it will dominate Winfrey's time. Most of her time will still be devoted to the "Oprah's Book Club" segment of her TV show, although every segment will now be about <>. -> ``For me, the Oprah show is still the mother lode,'' Winfrey said. Yeah, she's tapped in to a mother load of something, all right. And then... hot on the heels of that article... another one ripping the lid off Oprah! => Subject: Speech About Oprah Is Not So Free => => CHICAGO (AP) -- Oprah Winfrey may think free speech rocks, but => the talk show host apparently isn't fond of her employees speaking => their minds when she's the subject. => Employees of the parent company of Winfrey's production studio, => Harpo Inc., are barred from talking or writing about Winfrey's => personal or business affairs and those of her company -- for the => rest of their lives. What sort of job do I have to get to be barred from ever hearing about her personal or business affairs ever again? => A former producer, Elizabeth Coady, challenged the legality of => the confidentiality agreement but the agreement was upheld by => Illinois courts, the Chicago Tribune reported Sunday. => ``There's no sense of justice inside, which is so ironic in => light of the public image of someone who touts herself as an => advocate for business ethics and spirituality,'' said Coady, who => wanted to write a book about the four years she worked on Winfrey's => show before quitting in March 1998. => A representative for Harpo told the Tribune the company does not => ``discuss internal company policy in the media.'' => Two years ago, Winfrey proclaimed her support of the First => Amendment after she defeated a $12 million lawsuit brought by a => group of Texas cattlemen who said she had made false statements => that hurt their business. => ``Free speech not only lives, it rocks,'' she said in 1998 after => she was cleared by a U.S. District Court jury. Then she went back to cramming hamburgers up her butt. -- K. When I get my magazine, >>K<<, my employess will be REQUIRED to talk about me all day. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Teens Sentenced To Attend Opera Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 04:34:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For the Associated Press, Natasha Gural wrote: > > HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) -- Dressed as a monk in a floor-length brown > robe, Kevin Bochiccio celebrates the momentary defeat of Napoleon's > forces at Rome, 1800. > It's Thursday night at The Bushnell theater, where Bochiccio and > 16 other Eastern Connecticut State University students who broke > campus rules have been ``sentenced'' to attend the opera ``Tosca'' > instead of community service or other disciplinary action. > Bochiccio even landed a bit part in the show. > The sophomore from Rindge, N.H., and two other students joined > Kirk Peters, associate dean of student affairs at the Willimantic > college, in a crowd scene during Act One of the Puccini opera. > ``It was awesome,'' said Bochiccio, 19. ``I wasn't expecting > anything. I'd do it again -- voluntarily.'' I see, so, the mean old dean punished the students by forcing them to have a highly enjoyable easy role playing dress-up in an opera, and they liked it. I think the stupid dean should be paddled for encouraging these kids to break the rules over and over just to get parts in "Barber of Seville". "I wanna play the Bugs Bunny role!" > The students opted for the opera instead of working off the > hours given for various minor campus infractions. > ``I got caught with beer in the dorm,'' said Bochiccio. ``They > have a lot of things you can do like pick up trash. This seemed > like the best way.'' > Chris Perkins, a sophomore from Beacon Falls, who also had beer > in the dorm, lacked enthusiasm before the show. But the > 19-year-old, who also played a monk, had a different outlook after > Act 3. > ``It was much better than I thought,'' he said. > About 30 others, like Deborah Kitchen, joined the group just to > see the performance. > ``I loved the show,'' said Kitchen, a sophomore from Georgia who > had never been to the opera. ``It's definitely not punishment. It's > a privilege.'' But it's still much harsher than the old punishment for drinking beer -- having your mouth washed out with beer! > Similar sentences have been meted out all over the country. > In Alexandria, La., it was punishment by country music. Two men > who pleaded guilty to violating a noise ordinance last month were > ordered to attend a three-hour music appreciation session focused > on their least favorite genre -- country. Dear Judge, I like all music! Ha ha now you have to let me go. See you next infraction! > ``I'm going to put them in a room without a window because I'm > afraid they'd jump,'' Judge Tom Yeager joked. It oughta be against the law for judges to think they're funny. (Doctors and lawyers too.) > In Fort Lupton, Colo., noise scofflaws -- most of whom get in > trouble for playing their stereos too loud -- gather once a month, > on a weekend night, to listen to court-selected songs. > The offenders are mostly young, so there is a heavy dose of > lounge music, including Wayne Newton and Dean Martin, "Your punishment is A WEEKEND IN FABULOUS LAS VEGAS!!! Go there tomorrow morning, in... THIS NEW CAR!!!" > plus some Navajo flute music, bagpipes and John Denver songs. What if I'm watching a portable TV (with an earphone) and the screen is so bright that it keeps the neighbors awake? What show will the wacky judge force me to watch? > Here, the students seemed intrigued as they watched the > Connecticut Opera from their balcony seats. The romantic drama > about a strong-willed diva named Floria Tosca trapped in a web of > political and sexual intrigue proved to be a crowd-pleaser. > Many students chuckled softly at Tosca's jealousy. A few cringed > as Tosca stabbed the police chief, Baron Scarpia, to death. At > least one student shed a tear as Tosca jumped to her death after > learning her revolutionary lover had been executed. That's not historically accurate! In reality, Tosca's lover just had to listen to 20th-century music for an hour. > ``It was very exciting,'' said Larry Drew, who came to Tosca > even though he was not in trouble. The Preston freshman attended > ``The Magic Flute'' last semester after being busted with beer. > ``It inspired me. I got a little culture in me,'' said Drew, the > fourth monk. ``I have a different appreciation for the opera. > ``I thought it was just elevator music, but it's really people > singing their hearts out.'' > Peters, a former radio and television news producer, created the > new policy. He said his colleagues originally questioned his idea, > saying it wasn't discipline. > However, since the Alternative Restitution Program began in the > fall, university officials are coming around. Especially since the nutty dean forced them all to listen to the Spice Girls for several hours. > ``I think it's a great way to expose students to something > new,'' said Kim Silcox, campus hearing officer. It's so discriminatory that they only have HEARING officers and not deaf officers. This discriminates against the deaf, but more importantly, it discriminates against students who play audible music too loud!!! > Peters said he was pleased with Thursday's turnout, with more > than twice as many students participating than the four previous > trips. He hopes to make it a monthly excursion. > ``Maybe it didn't change their lives,'' said Peters, ``but they > got a new appreciation for the opera.'' and A NEW CAR!!! -- K. Maybe we should amend the Constitution to prohibit "cruel, unusual, and pathetically non-punitive punishment." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The cause of gravity EP Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 04:53:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote^H^H^H^H^Htyped: > > Lets watch gravity work. > Two glasses of water in this idia ..the water represents the space that > will doble its sis every second. DOUBLE YOUR SISTER OR NO MONEY BACK!!! > The aria of the water is the space that will double its sise. This is the worst Mozart aria ever! He must have written it after he turned into Beethoven and went insane! > But in one glass you but in a rock and the water overflows out of the glass. Out of the glass's butt, or the rock's butt? Where are you putting the butt? Please keep your butt out of my water. > > [...blather...] > > The production of electrons is gods active force. I think ienstien was > a retard that couldnt undrstand anything. I agree with you, there is a vast difference in intelligence between you and Ienstien... ...whoever that is. > Newton wasnt any smarter. Nasa is a bunch of ignorant superstupids. So you're jealous that they're super and you're the regular kind? > There is 6 states of mater not 4. I can show anyone how to buld a ufo. Okay. Show Julius Caesar how to buld a UFO. We'll wait here. > How to make clear steel superconductors. ...which taste like blue chicken! > But there are no inteligent people in physics. No content in their > intelect at all. They probuce nothing . They are incoherant in thought . beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable PROBUCE beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable beable -- K. Are you an ibiot? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: to Hammond on Who made God? Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 04:59:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Turns out man is "growing larger" over the centuries. They first > noticed this when they discovered that the average man couldn't > fit into a medieval suit of armor because we are 4" too tall. You know, Procrustes had a solution for that over 2000 years before you did. > [...] > > You probably weren't around at the time, but 6 months ago I > must have had 200 people talking about it on this Newsgroup, and > not one of them could understand it. And I'm not here to start > it all over again. I just happen to be passing thru on my way to > bigger and better things (I'm publishing a book entitled > _The Scientific Proof of God_ ,in a few months). Sorry, "passing through" still counts -- you owe us $1000. > [...] > > I thought I'd just say hello to sci.physics.new-theories. > George Hammond While you're at it, say hello to alt.physics.new-sci-theories, sci.physics-new.theories, and sci.alt.physics.theories-new. They're every bit as real as "sci.physics.new-theories". -- K. Glad to see you're back, George. Have you met Kurt Stocklmeir? Ask around for him when you're delivering those $1000 bills. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: so I'm driving home Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 05:16:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > I'm one of those single-occupant-vehicle commuters. You know, evil people. > > Well, my commute is pretty short, so I guess I'm not TOO evil. > Only a little evil. It's not HOW evil you are, but whether or not you're smiling when you do evil. Jack Nicholson smiles all the time, and he has an Oscar! Hitler never smiled. NO OSCAR FOR HITLER! > There is one traffic light on the way home from work which is > particularly long. As I approached it tonight it was turning yellow. Was it one of those new continuous-spectrum lights that goes from green to off-green to yellowish-green to greenish-yellow to off-yellow to yellow due to the very slow decomposition of its chlorophyll? > Oh no, now I would have to stop and wait for the whole cycle, which > seems like it's about ten minutes long (I think it's shorter duration > than that, but it gets hard to judge time.) > > So I sit there. Blah. Look at all the cars around me. See if there is > anyone interesting. No. Look for orange cones. There aren't even any > interesting cones in this area. Contemplate the meaning of life. Whatever > else people do at traffic lights. (Well, not EVERYTHING they do. > Some people do pretty sick things while waiting in traffic.) > > Minutes later I am still waiting. > > A bee lands on my windshield. Right in front of me. She is sitting > there stretching her wings out. It's kind of fascinating. I didn't > even know they could sit on glass without sliding off. Or maybe my > windshield is just that dirty that she has traction, I don't know. > Anyway she's just kind of hanging out. I'm kind of communing with nature. > Me and my pet bee. > > The light turns green. > > You have to be going about 20 mph to blow a bee off your windshield. Unless you are a nuclear explosion which also has massive intestinal gas. > She was pretty persistent. Killer bees are nothing. Persistent bees, they're evil. And you can never tell whether a bee is smiling! BEWARE! IT MIGHT BE A FROWNEY BEE! -- K. Also worse than killer bees: Bees that go around saying the obscene nonsense word "Sil!" WATCH OUT FOR SILLER BEES! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mr. Potatohead repression in Rhode Island! Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 05:37:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > From the Associated Press (4/14): > "The giant Mr. Potato Head sculptures designed to bring tourists to > Rhode Island (Toddlers have the most spending money!) > also have been luring vandals. Last weekend, three men were seen > hurling themselves headlong into "Hospitality Spud" outside > Newport's Gateway Visitors Center, and one of the men was carrying > an arm severed from the 160-pound sculpture. "Hospitality Spud"? As opposed to the ordinary MEAN kind of spud? > "Also last week, "Mr. Potato Head Bulb", a statue commissioned by > Narragansett Electric and decorated as a lightbulb, had both its arms > ripped off while on display in Providence." I wish I had known the phrase "Mr. Potato Head Bulb" when Dan Quayle was in office. Hey, did he die, or just become too unimportant for anyone to make fun of? -- K. There should be a law that says that famous people must always die in really weird ways so that we'll hear lots of jokes about it and won't have to wonder which celebs have died. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Rules Of Food. Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 05:56:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Convenience foods often have rules printed on them where nothing bad happens if you completely ignore them. For instance, a box of cookies with two identical ends will usually say "OPEN HERE" on the left and "OPEN OTHER END" on the right. We all know it's okay to violate those rules. However, people can be divided into two basic personality types: Those who feel guilty afterwards, and those of us who feel a warm glow of satisfaction solely from breaking the stupid rule. In fact, if they made a product which just consisted of a nested series of cardboard boxes with complicated rules we could ignore while ripping them open, some of us would pay good money for it. Now here are some of _my_ rules for food: RULE 1. No fruit which tastes exactly like the artificial flavor based on the fruit is worth eating. These fruits include bananas, coconuts, and especially tangerines. The best fruits are raspberries, which taste nothing like the artificial flavor (which is also great.) RULE 2. A few months ago I realized that I hate the cubical carrot bits that show up in some canned soup, TV dinners, etc., and always pick them out. But when the same brands of canned soup or TV dinners give me circular cross-wise slices of carrots, I really like them. I cannot understand this, but cubical carrots are definitely yucky compared to round carrots. I was quite pleased with my clever new theory of how you can taste the shape of the carrot until a few days ago when John Travolta told Jay Leno that he and his wife (Kelly Preston of "SpaceCamp: The Movie") also hate cubical food. ACK! I HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON WITH TWO NITWITS! I hope you have enjoyed reading about these rules, because they go into effect when I finish typing this article. From now on, nobody will enjoy square carrots or tangerines. -- K. And square tangerines are verboten! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Davis Square Date: Tue, 18 Apr 2000 06:10:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Richard E. Nickle (rick@trystero.com) wrote: > > I'm watching Fox 25 tonight and they have a segment > on a new sitcom being produced for Somerville Cable > Access Television called "Davis Square." > > This is the most flagrant copyright infringement of > Brigham Circle since Beverly Hills 02115. I think the biggest ripoffs were "Park Street Under" and "Next Stop Wonderland". "Davis Square" airs on a network named "SCAT", therefore the only people who will be watching it will be people mistakenly tuning in because they think it's the channel for people who like being pooped on. Just think, the sitcom's entire audience will consist of two guys who collect diapers. Just like "Meego". -- K. Hey, remember Jonathan Lipnicki? I wonder if he stopped being cute when he stopped being famous two years ago.