Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My annual report on the crush of crazed last-minute tax filers. Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 06:07:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com For those of you outside the United States, here we pay all of our taxes for the year five minutes before midnight on April 15th. (There are some crazy people who mail their tax payments a day or two earlier -- we call those people "Communists".) The standard tax rate starts at 15%, but for our convenience the government automatically removes 16% from every paycheck, to encourage people to file tax forms to get that 1% refund after April 15. Federal taxes are paid by filing Form 1040. Nobody knows why it is called Form 1040. It is hypothesized that this may be "CB lingo". Your 1040 must be stapled to your W-2 and 1040 and must be mailed in the special envelope after you affix the white sticker that denotes you owe them money or the yellow sticker which denotes "I want a refund, please ignore this envelope." Also there's a green sticker which means "Please begin my subscription to the Reader's Digest." In the state where I live, Massachusetts, there is also a 5.95% state tax. This is filed by filling out a special form which is printed in red (because the form was also designed by the Communists.) While writing numbers on the form, we are required to use a system resembling duodecimal for negative numbers: a loss of a thousand dollars is written "X1000.00". In addition, the tax form is designed to be impossible to fill out if you have earned more than $99,999,999.99 this year. This is to keep Bill Gates from moving here. He's a weenie! And a Communist! The Massachusetts form also says "Ovals must be filled in completely." and I think some people fill in all the ovals completely without realizing that they're only supposed to fill in _one_ of the ovals for each yes-or-no question. Then they go to jail. Anyhow, the tax forms and payments must normally be mailed on April 15th. This year that was a Saturday. Because the government can't keep the post offices open more than five days a week (they're running low on funds because they only take a sixth of all the money in the country every year) most people didn't have to file on the 15th or the 16th, but on the 17th (Monday.) But... I live in Massachusetts, which is S*P*E*C*I*A*L. You see, every year, thousands of people from Kenya come to Massachusetts to run the Boston Marathon. And because the marathon is so important, the entire state is required to shut down so that everyone can go watch sweaty people running towards the Boston Public Library (the finish line runs directly through Don Saklad) and because the marathon was on the 17th this year, my taxes were due today on the 18th. The marathon is more important than taxes, so I got an extra day because of the silly race. Normally I go down to the big 24-hour post office downtown (the one with the highest incidence of psychotic spree-killings by postal workers anywhere -- this is where the guy strafed people from his private plane) just before midnight to see the mob of people fighting over the stacks of tax forms and trying to read the instructions with only moments to go before they become eligible for a trip to Tax Prison. There are always several TV crews covering this circus, and Ben & Jerry's passes out free ice cream, and there are free _balloons_ for the kids who are filing their taxes. This year, a guy dressed as Uncle Sam was hanging around explaining why people should enjoy paying their taxes, and Starbucks employees were handing out coffee dispensed from hoses connected to tanks strapped to their backs (at first I thought they were the Ghostbusters, but they were just human Mr. Coffees.) The crowd was less dense than usual (I mean in the sense of people-per- square-foot) partly due to a rainstorm, partly due to 50% of people thinking the deadline was on the 15th, and partly due to 45% of people thinking the deadline was on the 17th just because the tax forms said so. As always, they had postmen and postwomen standing in the street accepting tax forms from passing cars, but the funny "CAUTION -- POSTAL WORKERS AHEAD" sign had been replaced by a less silly "CAUTION -- POSTAL WORKERS COLLECTING TAX FORMS AHEAD". (I was more scared of the Starbucks people, myself, because they could have started squirting people with their coffee hoses at any time.) Inside the post office, I had already filled out my tax forms and put stamps on them at home (well, okay, I put the stamps on at the office because I needed to Xerox the forms there -- you have to keep copies of your own tax forms in case the government decides to audit you, which means that they reserve the right to simultaneously dispute what you paid _and_ throw out all records of what you paid.) So, because my taxes just needed to be postmarked, the guy at the entrance directed me to the appropriate line by saying, "Just see any of these nice young ladies and they'll stamp you right up." I humbly suggest "...they'll stamp you right up!" as this month's hot new catchphrase. Also, I should point out that I think I was about 20 years younger than the nice young ladies. So, anyhow, my tax forms are now on their way to the Federal and state governments so I can get a refund in exchange for allowing the nice government to automatically overtax me. (The refund will pay for my trips to Canada this summer, where I will spend the money in a country with a nice easy-to-understand tax system.) -- K. Also, the Red Line subway I rode to the post office told me, "The destination of this train is Braiashmont." Apparently it was planning to jump off the rails and precisely follow the locus of points equidistant from the Braintree and Ashmont tracks. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Build A Scale Model Of The Mars Polar Lander Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 07:49:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From the "Your Tax Dollars At Work" department: In sci.space.policy, Ron Baalke (baalke@kelvin.jpl.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Mars Polar Lander > Landed Configuration > 1/24 Scale Model > -------------------- Is that 1/24 in English or Metric units? > We Invite You To Build Your Own Mars Polar Lander > > http://mars.jpl.nasa.gov/msp98/mplmodel1.html > > [...] > > You'll need a printer, some card stock, and a few other > items listed in the assembly instructions. The parts > sheets are available as PDF files, which can be read by > the Adobe Acrobat Reader on just about any kind of > computer. You may download the Adobe Acrobat Reader from > Adobe free of charge (http://www.adobe.com/products/acrobat/readstep.html) > > This detailed scale model is a construction project which is > probably not appropriate for people younger than about ten years > of age, depending on skill and motivation. Children should have > adult supervision to assemble the model. Assembly will require at > least 6 hours of time and great care. Ironically, NASA assembled the real one in 5 hours. > Once you assemble the model, we guarantee you'll know the landed > configuration of the Mars Polar Lander spacecraft very well indeed! ...after it landed, the surviving pieces did indeed look like small pieces of crumpled paper! > The launch of the Mars Polar Lander was on a Boeing Delta II > rocket on January 3, 1999. The Mars Polar Lander entered the > Martian atmosphere directly from the hyperbolic transfer orbit on > December 3, 1999, and was designed to decelerate to a soft landing > using a heat shield to aerobrake, a parachute, and actively guided > propulsion to touchdown on the surface of Mars. Unfortunately, the > lander telemetry signal was never acquired after entry into the > Martian atmosphere, and the spacecraft was declared lost. Not "crashed", just "lost". It might just be in orbit around the wrong planet. > The Lander was targeted to the northernmost boundary of the polar > layered deposits at a high southern latitude site, about 76 > degrees south latitude. The 90-day surface science mission was > planned to start during late spring on Mars in the southern > hemisphere and extend through the early Martian summer season. The Polar Lander's companion spacecraft, the Solar Lander, was designed to land on the Sun during winter when it wouldn't be hot. At night. > [...] > > The Mars Surveyor spacecraft was designed and manufactured at > Lockheed Martin Astronautics, Denver, Colorado. Model design > completed by Greg Bollendonk and Kurt Buhler, Mars Surveyor > Program, Lockheed Martin Astronautics, Denver, Colorado (an > after-hours project). Unfortunately, the reason the landing legs couldn't be deployed (amid other problems) was that they were made out of folded paper because NASA mistakenly launched the flimsy paper model instead of the real spacecraft. (But at least they didn't first load it with kids like in "SpaceCamp".) -- K. I think it would be neat if NASA suddenly regained contact with the Mars Climate Observer and the Mars Polar Lander and then the two of them collided. Especially if all the debris fell on Bob Hope. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ESPERANTO! SPEAK IT LIKE A NATIVE! Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 06:54:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > pricerbumanto@my-deja.com wrote: > > > > (fortunately, as we all know, all Esperantists are > > peace-loving vegetarians, slow to anger and quick to forgive). > > Well it's obvious what the problem with Esperanto is then, > isn't it? We need a language for MEAT EATERS, with fifty- > seven words for sausages, and eighty-two words for steak. > And four hundred and ninety-eight words for BACON!!!!11!! > And lots and lots of words for "I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU UP > UNTIL YOU USE MY NEW LANGUAGE!". And NO words for "sorry"! And there is no word for "DOIDY!" Also, all words are onomatopoetic. Especially the ones involving parts of pinball machines. > This new language will be reorbited to become a new Esperanto, > except one that WORKS and that ZILLIONS of people all over > the Galaxy use. TODAY THE GALAXY, TOMORROW SOME NICE BACON > AND EGGS! MEATERANTO R00LZ!!! I am starting a splinter language that is just like Meateranto except it has no word for "cheese" and 100000 words for "no cheese, please." This will become the official language at every Taco Bell outlet I go to, otherwise I will rip Mike O.'s Dr Pepper out of his hands and smash it down on the counter so that it makes a big mess! And then I'll say, "I WON'T APOLOGIZE, BECAUSE MY LANGUAGE DOESN'T PERMIT ME TO SAY THE WORD 'SORRY'! BYE!" and then I'll run off to participate in the Ten-Meter Checker Jump at the Meateranto Games. -- K. EAT-A-RANT-O WITH MEATARANTO! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: talk.politics.theory,sci.energy,soc.history,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: global warming to overpopulation to nuclear energy Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 03:05:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In talk.politics.theory, sci.energy, and soc.history, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Seems as though Tuesday nights > are good science nights > for me > watching TV > > Like the poem? Poem? I thought it was an equation. How are we supposed to tell your super-genius science from your super-genius poetry? Could you at least make one or the other of them rhyme? Or insert some other difference, such as posting them under different made-up names? I suggest "Archimedes Plutonium" as the King Of Science and "Iambic Thermometer" as the Poet Laureate Of The Northern Hemisphere. > [...] > > The message is quite clear. We are to use up all the fossil fuels > but in doing so will melt the ice caps and flood the lowlands of the > continents unless we hauled in the Moon and fit it into our Pacific > Ocean. To haul in the Moon we will also need to use up some > fissile fuel such as uranium. Actually, we'd need to use a REALLY fissile substance, such as magic. > What is neat about the issue of global warming is how it is > interrelated to other major problems such as overpopulation > and the problem of using up energy and forcing us to go > to other planets or moons and seriously contemplating on > bringing them unto Earth. Unless the aliens soft-land the Earth on Alpha Centauri first! MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT? -- K. I apologize for making Archie think. (I should stop giving him all his ideas.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOD = the Secular Trend Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 07:10:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.qhysics.qlutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > To alt.sci.physics.new-theories > > Dear boneheads: You misspelled "alt.sci.physics.plutonium" and "bonehead". > Look, I'm not here to start an argument with you guys. You're not getting your argument until we get the thousand dollars you owe us. > I'm here to alert you to the fact that the boneheads over > in the biology department have discovered something that > is probably more dangerous than nuclear fission.. and > they have no idea what it is. Oh yeah? Well, I've discovered something a BILLION times more dangerous than what you're thinking of, and this discovery is SO dangerous that NOBODY knows what it is, not even me!!! NOW GIVE ME THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR UNSPECIFIED DANGEROUSNESS!!! OR I'LL DO SOMETHING REALLY BAD THAT I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF YET!!! > You're supposed to be a bunch of whiz kids in new physics > theories and you're supposed to recognize things like this > when you see it.. but the problem is you haven't seen it. > I'm talking about something called the SECULAR TREND. > Right..... you never heard of it, or the FLYNN EFFECT either. Sure I did. Elementary physics. It says a beam of energy can always be diverted. Also that frisbees kill people. > You've got to listen to me, this is serious. > Massive amounts of data confirm that all races are growing > in average height, as much as 3" per century in some places. > They don't know when it started or when it will stop. They > call this the "Secular Trend" in biology. Also, average > global IQ rates are increasing at 3 IQ points per decade. > They don't know when that started or when it will stop. > Obviously this hasn't been going on forever. At > 3"/century we would have been 0-feet tall 2,300 years ago, > and we know Julius Caesar wasn't a midget. UNLESS MIDGETS WERE TALLER BACK THEN!!! > We also know humans didn't have 0-IQ 500 years ago. And I know you didn't have 500 IQ 0 years ago. > Also, no one believes we will be will be 10 feet tall with > IQ's of 400 in another 1,000 years. I do! Sorry, I guess I just ruined your whole theory. Better luck next theory. > So obviously this must be an "S-shaped" (so called Logistic) > curve that will slow down and stop (plateau) at some point > in the future. > The point is, this is NOT a genetic effect. It's much too > fast to be genetic. ALL world authorities in genetics are > agreed that the Secular Trend and the Flynn Effect are > not genetic effects.... that in fact they are ENVIRONMENTAL > effects. Naturally, almost everyone concludes that it > is nutrition, and the rising standard of living that is > causing this. I agree. > However, what they fail to realize, because they are not > PHYSICISTS, is the MEANING of all this...!!!! To a PHYSICIST > the important thing here is that it indicates that there is > such a thing as a "THEORETICAL MAN".. i.e. the actual > GENOTYPIC MAN, and that apparently, nobody has ever seen one! > There has never been a full grown man on the face of the earth > and apparently there still isn't. Dear Chris Elliott, Please stop using the pseudonym "George Hammond" in your quest to secretly install penis-measuring machines in all public urinals. > How tall he would be and what his IQ would be, NOBODY KNOWS. (Of course, George Hammond knows that the superintelligent person couldn't possibly be female.) > Incidentally, while the Secular Trend in height and weight > and the Flynn Effect in IQ continues worldwide, in some places > it shows signs of slowing down. In fact, in Scandinavia, > the growth of height has actually plateaued... they believe > Scandinavians have almost reached their true "genetic design size" > for height, altho the Flynn Effect is still climbing at an enormous > rate in Scandinavia.. so their brains don't seem to have stopped > growing. Everywhere else, Japan, Eurasia, the US, Europe, > S. America etc.. both height, weight, and IQ are on a > steady upward trend with no end in sight. So, you're saying that people are getting smarter because they're getting fatter? I think by that logic your head is full of smart. > [...] > > Christ, these anthropologists have discovered the > biological explanation of God and secured the data that > proves it, and they don't even know what it is..!! > Now, I'm simply pissed off because all this is obvious to > a casual observer type Physicist, but it turns out not one > Physicist from the Physics department has ever bothered to > take the time to notice these guys or what they've discovered, > or realized how important it is to the human race..! I think > I've got the right to be pissed.. You left out the word "on". > and scream my head off about it to the Physics department, that's all! Please scream your head as far off as you want. (I am enjoying the adventures of George Hammond's detachable, cubical head.) -- K. Weren't you on "Gumby"? ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Oprah To Debut New Mag Called 'O' Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 06:23:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com More info about Oprah's new <> magazine, courtesy our favorite French news agency: > Subject: Oprah expands media empire with new magazine > > NEW YORK, April 18 (AFP) - Oprah Winfrey is already the reigning > queen of US talk shows, a top film and television producer, an > Oscar-nominated actress, a best-selling author, and the highest paid > female celebrity in the United States. Now she has her own magazine. I have my own too, because I got tired of just reading the ones in the dentist's waiting room. (The coupons had already been ripped out.) > The Oprah Magazine hits newsstands on Wednesday. On the 318 > pages of the first issue -- including 166 pages of ads -- appear all > of the hallmarks of Oprah Winfrey's other projects, mixing optimism, > emotion and feminism in the real-life stories of women. Yes, women need a carefully-balanced diet of feminism and 166 pages of lipstick ads. > "Live your best life: start right here, right now" calls out one > headline. "Make your dreams come true: a step-by-step planning > guide" promises another. > Oprah herself appears in no fewer than 14 photos. I wish they'd counted them all and not just gotten tired and stopped at 14. > Published in New York by Hearst and Oprah's own Chicago-based Harpo Inc, > the first edition has a press run of one million copies and will sell > for 2.95 dollars on newsstands. > But critics have long wondered if Americans will begin suffering > from Winfrey fatigue. Gee, this is the first time the issue of "Winfrey fatigue" has been raised by the three "news" stories I've read about Oprah's new magazine in the past twenty-four hours. > "It is a magazine edifice to Oprah in the same way Versailles is > an edifice to Louis XIV," one critic wrote in the daily USA Today. > "The question is, will this formula -- also offered on TV and > the Web -- turn into thin, repetitive gruel as the months go by," > the article said. You'd have to remove the 166 pages of ads to turn it into gruel. Better yet, remove everything _but_ the 166 pages of ads. Then it might at least have some variety from page to page. "Hey, on page 6, there was a picture of a nose-hair clipper, but on page 7, there was a picture of floor wax! I am frightened and confused by this magazine which does not contain only pictures of one person!" -- K. "Research studies now project that one in five heterosexuals could be dead from AIDS at the end of the next three years." -- Oprah (1987) ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,sci.physics.electromag,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PBS show of "Are We Alone", Tim Ferris Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2000 02:49:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.astro, sci.physics.electromag, and sci.bio.misc, Archimedes Plutonium (plutonium_archimedes@yahoo.com) wrote: > > [...] > > And then the polluting neutron baloney got attached to these objects. Archimedes Plutonium-inspired country-western-heavy-metal rock band name #45: "Pollutin' Neutron Baloney" Archimedes Plutonium-inspired line for Ruth Buzzy to say on Sid & Marty Krofft's "The Lost Saucer" #1: "Don't you pollute my neutron baloney!" Archimedes Plutonium-inspired "Happy Days" character #1: Potsie Neutron-Baloney, Esquire Archimedes Plutonium-inspired porno movie title #19: "My Baloney Is Attached" -- K. BEWARE THE NEUTRON BALONEY! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ping: Wild-E-CyotePHD Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 07:16:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Exspain gravity ! Or emf. You cant so your english is ok but your > stupid. Its your failure to understand that physics is a big sham by > morons. They want like you to hide the truth so people wont know the > active force of god. > You cant tell them what light is or gravity. > Their like you ...too stupid to understand that space isnt empty and > electrons are part of space not mater. Light is a sound in space and emf > is a wave in space and gr is a dispacement in space. Yet your peanut > brain draws a zerro. > PENUT HEAD>>>>PENUT HEAD> > hehehehehehehehehe your stupid, > You do nothing. Buld somthing . Try clear steel you moron. Holy cow, his brain is disintegrating as we watch. He went from "peanut" to "penut" within the space of a few seconds. Please say "peanut" a few more times so we can play it backwards and watch evolution in action. -- K. I like how you can always tell the WebTV users who have the actual keyboard from the WebTV users who have the silly little painful-to-use remote control without any letter keys on it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Rules Of Food. Date: Wed, 19 Apr 2000 06:29:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] cubical carrots are definitely yucky compared to round carrots. > > I've never had anything against square carrots, but square meat and > square cheez--! > > Bleah! > > However, I seem to like both of those substances (yes, I admit I eat evil > cheese) when they're sufficiently thin. Things become more complex with > thick piles of thin slices, however. I'll explain: > > A big pile of lunchmeat slices is gross, but a spiral-cut ham isn't, nor > is lunchmeat in the container. Cubes of meat are gross, moreso when in > the presence of other meat cubes. > > Any hunk of cheese is gross. Kraft singles are worse than a hunk of real > cheese when stuck to each other, but less gross when in their > individually-wrapped, packaged state. A pile of grated cheese is not > gross. Cubes of cheese are gross. The only thing grosser than a cube of cheese: A dodecahedron of cheese. > A *bowl* of cheese cubes is the worst thing I can imagine right now WITH A LIVE BABY ON THE BOTTOM EATING ITS WAY OUT!!! Ha! I win! I can think up grosser stuff than you! This proves I'm smarter! -- K. But what about liverwort?