Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Yow, it's hot in Las Vegas! Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 00:34:05 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I just flew back from Las Vegas, and boy are my arms tired! Not to mention that I think this is the first time I've _ever_ gotten a visible tan. The temperature kept getting up to about 96 degees (F) which actually wasn't bad because it was so dry that all my sweat evaporated instantly and I stayed dry (but very thirsty, I drank lot of icky Gatorade.) When I got back to Boston, it was snowing. My feet have been really damaged from all this walking. The good part of the Strip is about four miles long, and there's so much stuff to see and so much traffic that it makes more sense to walk down it taking photos than to wait for the stupid buses, and this time I walked two round trips. I don't mind walking to the Stratosphere from the south end of the Strip -- I've even walked all the way to the Fremont Street Experience [which is on Fremont Street Experience Street] -- but I did get some big blisters from my boots. On two days, I wore sandals instead, which was a mistake because they ground all sorts of desert dust into my heels and now I have black marks that won't come off until my feet grow new skin. I took another 250 pictures to add to the 400 from my last trip, and I'm working on a super-gigantic photo gallery that'll feature the best 200 or so of the total. This'll take a while. This trip, I had enough time to do just about everything I wanted (I didn't get to go to the Liberace Museum, or see The Secret Garden Of Siegfried & Roy, or shop at Nevada Gambling Supply or The Defective Store) but I did get to try to eat the 75c three-quarter-pound hot dog* at Treasure Island, I watched the videotape loop of all the casino fires at the Tropicana's museum ("Look! All the OTHER casinos have had fires!"), I've seen the dragon and the pirates and the clowns and the Klingons from every concievable angle (I got covered with ashes after one particularly good pirate battle), and I avoided touching at least a dozen kinds of cactus (my favorite was the bright purple prickly pear.) Oh, and I attended a live "Wheel Of Fortune" game hosted by a guy who used to be an actual game-show host on TV. And I saw one of Siegfried's and/or Roy's tigers take a poop and not eat a watermelon. The strangest thing that happened to me in Las Vegas this week was that one guy thought I must be related to Steven Spielberg because the back of my head looked similar while he wasn't wearing his glasses. On the trip back, the airlines served bags of weather.com, which appeared to be a mixture of Cinnamon Life cereal and peanuts. I can't wait until they discover more new places to advertise on the planes. "Lavatory door will unlock in 60 seconds, after you watch this commercial for American Express." Incientally, I wouldn't have bought my latest pair of boots if I had known that they had steel safety toes that would set off the safety-toe detector at every airport in the country. (The people in Las Vegas are a little nicer when they frisk you than are the people in Boston, which is to be expected. I can't wait to see what happens when I wear these into the U.S. Capitol.) My theory is that there are a lot of people like me who set off the metal detector every time, and we pass through three stages: (1) removing the wristwatch, all the change from the pockets, etc., in a futile attempt to avoid setting off the beeper; (2) not bothering because we know it's going to go off anyway; and the final stage, (3) looking forward to setting it off to get a good frisk. -- K. Dumbest slot machines in Las Vegas: 1. "Y2K" 2. "The Three Stooges" 3. "Seattle" 4. "Yahtzee" 5. "UFO" without the marionettes 6. "Monty Hall Presents Let's Make A Deal" starring Monty Hall's head from 1958 Also, I like how the lower the demonination, the more coins they force you to play at once to get the advertised odds -- the nickel machines sometimes let you play up to 45 nickels at once, while the dollar machines usually go up to 3. (I found some $100 machines that only required you to play two hundred-dollar bills at once. What a bargain!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yow, it's hot in Las Vegas! Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 02:47:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [stuff about being frisked] > > Anyway, the guy who was frisking me was nice enough, but > he was doing a very thorough job, like, making sure I didn't > have any toast in my asscrack. So I loudly said, "What, you > aren't even gonna buy me dinner first?!!???" and he laughed > so hard that he fell over. Then you told him that the joke that made him laugh so much was used in the film "Baby Geniuses" and he started to cry, unable to ever laugh again. -- K. Why would you have to hide toast there? It fits into my giant clown shoes much better. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Yow, it's hot in Las Vegas! Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 00:53:04 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I just wrote: > > I didn't get to go to the Liberace Museum, or see The Secret Garden Of > Siegfried & Roy [...] > but I did get to try to eat the 75c three-quarter-pound hot dog* I forgot the other half of the asterisk: * I think that's the same thing that Siegfried & Roy do in their Secret Garden. -- K. And I'd just like to mention again that they feed their tigers watermelons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Y2K: The Bug! It's still alive and kicking and NOBODY NOTICED! Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 00:41:18 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In alt.religion.kibology, some bozo spammed via Singapore: > > Affiliate and associate programs have quietly swept Internet marketing. > Discover how to set up you online sales channel now. SO MUCH SPAM IT IS ALL OVER YOU SCREEN! The reason I mention this spam is that it contains an interesting header: > Date: 20 Apr 100 18:09:24 GMT I hereby announce the formation of a betting pool -- send me a dollar and try to guess when the LAST occurrence of a Y2K-bug-damaged date will be. At the end of time, the best guesser will get their dollar back. -- K. My newsreader parsed that header as "Fri, Jun 9, 1939 2:08 PM". I'm just wondering why the article was accepted by the news server to begin with, given that it's already over two weeks old. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Rules Of Food. Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 05:18:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > > > Since everyone already got bored and stopped reading by this > > point, it won't hurt to keep ranting about art. So every once > > in awhile I cruise through the mini art gallery in the Union > > that normally houses student art. > > > > [...] > > > > CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING, SO I WILL JUST COPY PICASSO'S THREE > > MUSICIANS!!!1!". Maybe I just misunderstood. Perhaps the > > point of that particular art class was to duplicate a famous > > work. Except that the other works were more original. > > Remember in grade school when the art teacher would show you a famous > work and then say something like "Okay, paint something like it," well, > one time we were supposed to paint a picture of a statue of N00D > PEEPIL!!!!!!1!!1 I said it was against my religion and the art teacher > thought I was *really* offended, so I got out of art class for two > weeks! Why would you _want_ to get out of art class? I mean, you get paid to play with fingerpaints and clay for an hour. Weren't you getting the usual $20/hour paycheck for going to elementary school? (Were you in some backwoods part of the world where they don't even pay little kids a subsistence wage? Even Kathie Lee Gifford does that!) Also, the first time I read this article, my brain swore it said Remember in grade school when the art teacher would show you a famous work and then say something like "Okay, paint something WITH it," ...and I fantasized for several minutes about ripping Vermeer's "The Lace Maker" out of its frame, wadding it up, and dipping it in fluorescent orange hippie poster paint to use as a brush for my new mural, "Crying Fluorescent Clown Playing Poker With Fluorescent Dog Who Is Holding A Straight Flush In Fluorescent Orange Clubs." And then I'd activate my growth cells and become a hundred feet tall so I could use my hands to crumple up the wall the mural was on, and use _it_ to paint a copy of "The Lace Maker". -- K. Except that in the picture, she'd be embroidering a lace doily with pictures of clowns playing poker with me. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ABC's "3 Stooges": My misbegotten misgivings Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 06:19:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > One thing that struck me right off the bat (*Oh! OWOWOWOH!*) was the > scene of the three young Howard brothers performing at Luna Park. I remember > Luna Park from a terrific film about Coney Island shown on "The American > Experience" (Luna Park being one of the major amusement parks on the island > in the early 20th century). I was in Luna Park less than 24 hours ago, after I ate at the Nathan's in Coney Island in New York New York in Las Vegas in Nevada. This is as opposed to the Nathan's across the street in the MGM Grand, and as opposed to the Coney Island next door at the Holiday Inn Boardwalk, which has a Coney Island but no Nathan's (they sell fake White Castle Slyders named "Castle Burgers".) The Holiday Inn Boardwalk also has a _fake_ roller coaster track around it, while the New York New York has a real roller coaster (which turns upside-down right behind one of their two Statues of Liberty.) So I'd have to say that New York New York's Coney Island, with a Nathan's and a roller coaster and a Luna Park, is More Real than the Holiday Inn's with its fake burgers. However, New York New York doesn't have any of the three and a half Eiffel Towers in Las Vegas. There used to be four, but one of them was decapitated when they moved it and the smaller one inside it from the airport to Bally's. (The other two are the one standing on top of the casino in Paris, and the one which forms the superstructure of the Stratosphere.) I'm still disappointed that I wasn't there the day the Stratosphere caught fire (in 1993, when it was only 500 feet tall.) Just my luck to go there during a week when no casinos burst into flame or explode. (There weren't even any fire alarms going off in Circus Circus, which is unusual because during my previous two visits I heard a total of three fire alarms there. I think there's something about the presence of clowns which causes people to start fires.) I plan to start a casino which will compete with New York New York and Circus Circus, to be named Kibo Kibo Kibo Kibo Kibo. It will sell seventy-five pound hot dogs for two cents, and the men's room will be equipped with talking urinals that will have a computer voice saying, "These computerized urine analyzers are even more fake than the ones over at the SpaceQuest casino." Oh, and I'm going to build it where the Stratosphere is now, simply because I want to see what happens when they set off the demolition charges to knock over an 1,149-foot tower. I love the Strat, but you gotta admit knocking down something that tall and skinny and top-heavy has to crush a lot of other buildings in an interestingly unpredictable way. For those of you who don't know, the Stratosphere is exactly like Seattle's Space Needle, only twice as tall, and the revolving restaurant goes even slower, and it has a roller coaster going around on the outside of the top, as well as a bungee simulator which launches you straight _up_ from the tip of it. It is not only taller than the Space Needle and Las Vegas's Eiffel Towers, it's taller than the _real_ Eiffel Tower. It totals 135 stories if you count the thrill rides and radio antenna -- originally there were going to be more floors at the top but the FAA claimed it posed a hazard to aircraft. Note that the lower 100 or so "floors" are just an elevator shaft. It's frighteningly skinny. It opened in 1996, but when it was half-built it caught fire in 1993 -- apparently some of the construction equipment at the top had a gasoline tank or something, because at one point a gush of liquid fire came rolling down the side like a fifty-story volcano. The video of this incident is about a million times more thrilling than watching the "volcano" at the Mirage squirt Tang and butane into the air in the casino parking lot. On the other hand, the Mirage isn't broke, probably thanks to Siegfried and Roy and all their pretty white cats. The Strat is located too far north of the South Strip to get much foot traffic from all the glitzy new stuff (the Excalibur, Luxor, New York New York, etc., are about three miles south) but it also isn't close to the downtown area (the Fremont Street Experience.) It's a shame the Strat has money problems, given that it is the coolest building in Las Vegas, and it absolutely dominates the skyline -- no stereotypical picture of Las Vegas (such as a backdrop for a newscast) is valid without being centered on the Strat. You know, like the Space Needle in Seattle, but not so short. The Strat is clearly a copy of the Space Needle -- it looks almost identical, but a bit snazzier because its shaft is solid white and not with that exposed hollow framework -- but it's nearly twice as tall. AND IT HAS GAMBLING INSIDE! They're the only casino I've seen that has "The Three Stooges" slot machines. For those of you who find _regular_ slot machines too intellectual. -- K. The MGM Grand (aka "the deathtrap") also has a big arch that's greener than the desaturated one in St. Louis that has the sewage treatment plant next to it. The St. Louis one's bigger, but you can't pay to jump off it like MGM's. "Whee! We are pretending the hotel is on fire again!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cinnamon Baldwin Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 06:51:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > ...was a very fyne chyk from my high school in New Orleans. Oh, phew. I'm relieved. I was worried that you were going to post "Mission: Impossible" fanfic where you revealed that there was only one obnoxious Baldwin brother who kept donning different disguises to fool us. But, fortunately, you just meant a woman who must have been born around 1966 because she's named after the character my ex-wife, television's Barbara Bain, played back when her face was flexible. > Last night, I'm flipping through channels, and I hit upon Fox's "Greed," > being broadcast at its-not-regularly-scheduled-time. At the urging of a > friend, I tried out for the show a few weeks back, and we both made the > short list, but they told me that I had to actually watch the show a few > times before they'd consider putting me on the air. > > So, I'm sitting through it. The questions are actually a bit harder than > on the Regis Philbin show, plus there's more strategy involved. > > And who should pop up as the captain of one the teams, but Cinnamon > Baldwin? I didn't catch her new home city (most N'Awlinians my age > who went to my high school fled). I was disappointed to see > Cinnamon blow $40,000 by failing to recognize that the Washington > Monument was not on the back of any currency. And because she was > the captain, Chuck Woolery didn't even get to do the standard game- > show-interview-tell-a-clever-anecdote-about-your-life dealie. > > There's a moral here about disillusionment with high-school crushes, > except everyone knows that my high-school crush was on Cathy McElveen, > rather than Cinnamon Baldwin, so I'm not sure the moral applies in this > particular instance. > > Good night, Cinnamon Baldwin, wherever you are. Maybe she has a hot daughter you can marry. Assuming that she was married to a fake Martin Landau while they were both on a cheap imitation of a cheap imitation of "Star Trek". Anyway, if there turns out to be a hot young Juliet Baldwin, I suggest you marry her posthaste, unless it turns out that she really _is_ a Baldwin Brother. Ewww. You just made me think about "Bio-Dome" (Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin), ruining precious seconds of my life forever. I'm going to tell my lovely wife, Juliet Landau, not to send you a Christmas card this year. -- K. So, did Tom Cruise replace the entire cast of "Mission: Impossible" permanently, or just until we're through being punished for our sins? It was bad enough when they replaced Peter Lupus with _O.J. Simpson_ for "The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Pilice Squad" but to have them replace Steven Hill, Martin Landau, Barbara Bain, Greg Morris, Peter Lupus, Peter Graves, Leonard Nimoy, Lynda Day George, Lesley Ann Warren, Sam Elliott, Barbara Anderson, Jane Badler, Thaao Penghilis, Phil Morris, Tony Hamilton, and Terry Markwell with one solitary Scientologist is just too much. They should pass a law saying that they never legally replaced any "Mission: Impossible" cast members and go back to making episodes with Steven Hill, and then these wannabes like Tom Cruise and Peter Graves can go back to being nobodies. "Mission: Impossible" got stupid after they added Peter Graves! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: permanent magnet training class Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 06:57:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics.electromag, "Tho X. Bui" (blah@prodigy.net) wrote: > > Just a quick announcement for the Permanent Magnet Training Class at > Arnold Engineering Company. HAVE YOU ALWAYS DREAMED OF BECOMING A PERMANENT MAGNET? BE TRAINED IN THE EXCITING WORLD OF BEING PERMANENTLY MAGNETIZED AT ARNOLD ENGINEERING! WE'LL HELP YOU START YOUR CAREER AS A MAGNET BY HITTING YOU WITH A HAMMER UNTIL EVERY IRON ATOM IN YOUR BODY LINES UP! AND THEN WE'LL GIVE YOU YOUR FINAL EXAM BY STICKING YOU TO A REFRIGERATOR! DON'T DELAY, APPLY TODAY! -- K. I want to be one of those Hanna-Barbera magnets that attracts all the gold in the world. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Is there a RELATIVITY MADE SIMPLE..? Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 07:20:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics.relativity, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > For heaven's sake, can't someone give us a simple explanation > of Relativity without beginning by saying that "two ships are > sailing north from the equator and notice that they are getting > closer together...???? > I am faced with the problem of explaining Relativity to a > bunch of Psychologist's... there has to be a simple explanation of > WHAT IT IS. It's bad enough that high school students ask the physics newsgroups to do homework for them, but now we have guys trying to cheat on their sanity tests. -- K. Besides, even if we were to help you with that question, there are 599 other questions on the MMPI. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.society.civil-liberty,alt.current-events,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Use of Satellites for Mind Control and Acts of Torture? Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 07:46:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.society.civil-liberty, alt.current-events, and sci.physics, capaliwoda@yifan.net wrote: > > USE OF SATELLITES FOR MIND CONTROL AND ACTS OF TORTURE? > > Psychotronics users have been attempting to retaliate for > my exposure of them on the web with intensified assault. > > As has happened on many, many occasions before, on the afternoon > of April 20, 2000, it was definite (beyond question) that there > was a highly focused high-energy beam aimed at me from directly > overhead in space. Well, then, stop sleeping directly downwards from outer space! > [...] > > Harassment continued into the days following. At about 4:00 A.M. > on April 22, 2000, I awoke to find myself the target of an > incredibly intense beam aimed at my head as I slept on the living > room floor under a metal table (plus a wall plate). It was > obviously a punishment beam. Has you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, large metal objects are really easy to detect, and that perhaps the people with the mind-control lasers point them _at_metal_objects_? I think you should get rid of any objects that contain metal. In fact, get anything that contains metal atoms out of your body. Especially sodium or calcium. > I had given up sleeping in my bed > upstairs because of recent harassment there with intense radiation > beams as I slept. There was transmitted the heavy roaring of what > sounded like loud whirring jet engines in the background and a male > voice engaged in a countdown from ten. When he reached zero he > uttered the word "Jackpot!", as though a target had been hit. Oh no! It's the Gambling Ray that's projected directly upwards from the tip of the Luxor pyramid in Las Vegas! During the day when it appears to be switched off, it's actually reversed so that it goes directly downwards through the Earth to where you live. This is why sleeping _under_ the metal table didn't help you, as the beam was directed at you from below! You should sleep _on_ metal to protect yourself from this deadly beam that goes up your butt! > It sounded as though I was attached to someone doing a launch or > detonation of some kind. It came from the same location as someone > maneuvering these intense radiation beams directed from an overhead > source with which I have been tortured lately. The voice had no > perceivable foreign accent (sounded American). I've considered > some type of hovercraft, but there is never any of these in sight. I often consider some type of hovercraft when there is none in sight. But, whenever I see hovercraft I _never_ think about them. > I did not actually go outside to check. The irradiation occurred > over a prolonged period of time, not momentarily. It sounded like > a jet launch and missile countdown from some war zone. Other > possible explanations are that someone was feeding in recorded > sounds or was watching a war film while transmitting. Thank God they weren't watching "The Harlem Globetrotters On Gilligan's Island" over at World Domination Headquarters while they were plotting to conquer the Earth by beaming stuff into one person's head. That would have made them accidentally beam something stupid into you. > I have been a mind control target utilizing psychotronic > weapons since late 1973. My knowledge of their crimes has made > me a target of continuous harassment, terrorization, and torture > designed to break me. Perpetrators have been tracking me with > long-distance telemetry everywhere I go. They refuse (for close > to 30 years now) to let me alone, overzealous to extinguish every > last trace of evidence of their plot. Apparently, all victims > are driven crazy and phased out into mental institutions, disposed > of through suicides, or goaded into violent behavior which > necessitates their removal from society (and various other disposal > methods). Perpetrators like their selections to be terminated, > particularly the lucid ones. They espouse something like Naziism They are all members of The Something Like Nazi Party! Its insignia is a swastika with between two and seven arms, but never four. > and profess total amorality at times. They were bothering my now > somewhat developmentally disabled brother Bill for several years > prior to switching to me. I can tell from unmistakable behavior > symptoms, like seemingly unprovoked fits of violence and other > visible responses. Please tell us more about your seemingly unprovoked fits of violence. Is this one of those afllictions that could also be a catchy new dance step? I like those. > Had the perpetrators not been so thorough about viciously tidying > up loose ends by trying to dispose of innocent witnesses they > might not have this report out on the Internet. I would not have > been as tenacious as I am about exposing them, not caring what > anyone thinks of me as a result, I am sorry, but it is my sad duty to tell you that nobody thinks anything of you because all of our minds are erased by The Purple Beam Of Not Thinking About Carol Paliwoda every night. > might have gone on with just living my life as it was supposed to be > lived. They are so damn vicious that they necessitate these retributions. THEY DESERVE LOTS OF UNPROVOKED VIOLENCE, DAMMIT! > [...] > > I don't know if the Star Wars program was related or not, > but it did involve beam weapons in space. Ronald Reagan was > the U.S. president who initiated it. He seems to have undergone > some kind of brain deterioration since then--a normal product > of aging? Or is he another pawn phased out by military forces > controlling this space hardware, either our own or a rival clique? Now _that's_ a new conspiracy theory: Reagan's brain was remotely erased during the 1980s. But how do you explain Gary Busey? Surely the beam couldn't have been in two places at the same time! > They insist on phasing out participants to be assured of maximum > security. There were attempts again and again to wreck my brain > with powerfully focused beams even before I publicized their > existence on the net. At any rate, they could easily cause > stroke in an elderly person. There's a flaw in your logic: If they could do this, they'd just use The Elderly Beam to make you elderly, then they could give you all the strokes you needed. If you don't think The Elderly Beam exists, look at any of Bob Hope's movies and then look at him today, only a few years after he made all those movie comedies! > It is just a peculiar roll of the dice that it falls to me > to break the news to the population. It should actually be a > defense official. Most of the victims for testing were > overwhelmed by the experience, and few were computer savvy. > I notice that a number of those smart enough to be vocal on > the web were either slightly unconventional or engaged at some > time in some form of dissent (atypical religions, minorities, > foreigners, criminal types, criticized government policies, > or simply knew too much). Others were just assessed to be > easy prey. I'm sorry, but Kibology is the most atypical religion of all, and there aren't any "erase Carol Paliwoda's beams" aimed at alt.religion.kibology. I know because I can't feel anyone shining a beam that would erase someone else's brain on me. Also, we've wrapped the entire newsgroup in wax paper, the only substance more mentally opaque than aluminum foil. I assure you, there are no deadly beams hitting alt.religion.kibology. (In fact, alt.religion.kibology emits Weird Rays to _other_ newsgroups.) > [...] > > Theoretically, what goes up can come down. It might be > possible to disarm satellite systems by knocking them out > with missiles or with their own medicine--directed energy. > I read something in a newsgroup about EMP weapons > (electromagnetic pulse) being suitable for this purpose. Wait... you _read_ newsgroups? In addition to posting your brain-eraser beam manifesto over and over? I challenge you to _prove_ you are reading this. Please post a followup which says "DEAR KIBO, I CAN READ." Until them, I will continue to be rude to you because you're not reading this. > The presence of these systems can lead to nothing but > tyranny. Do you want anyone poised overhead both ready and > willing to fry your cranium the moment you arouse their ire? Mmm, fried cranium. And now, Ocean Spray has added tasty red fruit juice to create new Cran-Cranium! > Further information is available at my mirror (identical) > web sites at: > > http://www.crosswinds.net/~capaliwoda/mc/ > http://www3.cybercities.com/c/capaliwoda/mindcontrol/ > http://www.geocities.com/capaliwoda/mc/ > http://www.angelfire.com/electronic/mindcontrol/ Don't you realize that all these mirrors just help them focus their mind-control lasers at you? -- K. Just once I'd like to see someone say that William Shatner was persecuting them with his mind-control phaser. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov,alt.flintstones From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The People Vs. "The Jetsons Vs. The Flintstones" Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 07:53:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology According to "The Jetsons", life in the distant future will be perfect, but everyone will keep whining about it at all times. George Jetson: "Ooba Dooba! First I had to take a grueling five-second commute to my fifteen-minute workday, and now I have to go home and push the button that makes love to my wife!" And in "The Flintstones", life in the distant past was pretty icky, but everyone was happy about it. Fred Flintstone: "Hey, Barney, care for a glass of regurgitated chewed-up caterpillars from the gullet of this bird we pretend is a soft-drink dispenser?" Of course, Fred Flintstone complained about his middle-class job just as George Jetson did, but Fred was genuinely happy to read a newspaper that weighed eighty pounds and was carved into a boulder by a monkey. George complained about everything, including the fact that his sissified life was too hard even though he never had to do anything but push buttons. So, according to Hanna-Barbera's sociological theory, people are happiest when they're worse off. The moral: Don't use technology. Give away all your modern possessions. HANNA-BARBERA IS COMMUNIST PROPAGANDA!!!! Think about it. Note that on "The Jetsons", which was made in the 1960s (and 1980s), the future was exactly like the 1950s. The decade that was the pinnacle of the Cold War. Korea. McCarthyism. Fallout shelters. Hanna-Barbera had a third series, "The Roman Holidays", which was practically identical to the other two (except for the title.) In all three, the father is the star of a typical middle-class family (happily married with children.) The father is a salaryman who toils for an unrepentantly mean capitalist fat-cat. The guy on "The Roman Holidays" toiled for Crassus, an anti- capitalist symbol as overt as the parodies of Communist propaganda Orwell used to pad out "1984". Of course, they didn't have a "middle class" stratum of society in Roman times. Or in caveman times. And, due to certain changes in the modern workplace, we probably won't have a lot of middle-class salarymen in the future, either (now we have "flextime" and "temps" and "telecommuters" and even an "underclass", concepts that didn't exist in the 50s.) So, Hanna-Barbera is telling us that no matter where and when we live, society is stuck in the 1950s, and we should be unhappy with our middle-class lifestyles and hate our mean boss, Mr. Spacely/Slate/Crassus. We should long to live in caveman times when nobody was better off than anyone else and men were men and women were bashed over the head with clubs before sex. The next question is, WHY are these seemingly innocent Hanna-Barbera cartoons filled with Communist propaganda? Well, obviously, they want to indoctrinate the children to make Communists-for-life. And because nobody would suspect a cartoon. Or would they? In the 1950s, the United States State Department worked in conjunction with the Walt Disney company to inject ANTI-Communist propaganda into such comic books as "Donald Duck", particularly the Spanish-language editions. (You can read all about this in "Como Leer Pato Donald" -- "How To Read Donald Duck", a book that people are said to have been executed for reading in Latin America.) You may recall from childhood that the plot of a 1950s or 1960s "Donald Duck" comic book was always the same: Uncle Scrooge needs to buy a tiny banana republic island to gain a ready supply of some commodity that will make him richer. And the evil, swarthy Beagle Boys are always trying to take control as well. Donald and his nephews always convince the backwater natives that it is in their best interests to trade their island to Uncle Scrooge in exchange for a handful of trinkets rather than throwing in their lot with the swarthy, angry fellows. Sometimes the bad guys were fairly overtly portrayed as Communists (via character names, dialect, etc.) but the message was always the same: Good capitalists are the salvation of banana republics that turn over control to the capitalists rather than to the Communists. (Again, if you don't believe me, look up "How To Read Donald Duck" and some of the original comics referenced.) So, State was asking Disney to make anti-Commie comic books, and Disney was more than happy to do so. Was Hanna-Barbera's saturation of the airwaves with thinly-veiled Communist propaganda merely an attempt to do something different than what Disney was doing? Or did Disney do this solely as an attempt to counteract what Hanna-Barbera was doing? Which came first, the Commie cartoons or the McCarthyist cartoons? Or was it simply a reflection of the style of Hanna-Barbera management that had their workers toiling in the cartoon equivalent of sweatshops cranking out minimalist (Soviet Constructivist, even) styled cartoons requiring large quantities of unskilled labor? Or was it just that the KGB was slipping these messages into Hanna-Barbera cartoons without the permission of Hanna or Barbera, unwitting dupes of the Communists who secretly control the bad cartoon industry? We may never know, as famous cartoon producers are oddly reluctant to discuss whether their cartoons are a plot to overthrow the government via violent means. But I will say this: FRED FLINTSTONE SHOULD BE PUT IN JAIL UNLESS HE CAN PERSONALLY APPEAR IN FRONT OF CONGRESS AND PROVE HE IS NOT A COMMUNIST! -- K. More proof that Hanna-Barbera is a Communist front: They're owned by Ted Turner! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The People Vs. "The Jetsons Vs. The Flintstones" Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2000 08:43:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Yngvar Folling (yngvar.folling@hl.telia.no) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > You may recall from childhood that the plot of a 1950s or 1960s "Donald > > Duck" comic book was always the same: Uncle Scrooge needs to buy a > > tiny banana republic island to gain a ready supply of some commodity > > that will make him richer. > > Have you ever read "Christmas in Shacktown"? The first time I read that, my brain saw "Christmas in Smacktown". DONALD: WAWAWAWA! I CAN'T WAIT FOR SMACK CLAUS TO COME AGAIN!!! UNCLE SCROOGE: Calm down, Donald! I'll loan you the money to buy some more smack. Have you learned about interest yet? DONALD: No... UNCLE SCROOGE: Then let me loan you some money so you can learn about interest from my pals, The Beagle Boys! BEAGLE BOY #1: Time for break leg now? BEAGLE BOY #2: Me like-um break-um legs. DONALD: Yay! Due to Unca Scrooge's generosity, I can score some smack! DIRTY FRANK: Uh, Donald, y'sure dat's wise? What widda Beagle Pusses an' all? MR. B: Oh, Frank, there you are. You know you're not supposed to try to escape from "Jabberwocky". DIRTY FRANK: But dis sentence made Leah Verre laugh until milk came out her nose. MR. B: But, Frank, she's not drinking milk. DIRTY FRANK: I know, dat's wot I liked about it. BEAGLE BOY #1: Time for break leg now? MR. B: Have at him, boys! [They break DIRTY FRANK'S legs.] DONALD: WAWAWAWAWAWA! You guys are distracting me during my big smack deal! MR. B: Donald, would you like to see a "Peanuts" cartoon about smack? [While DONALD thinks about it, CUT TO a film of several unshelled peanuts sitting on a table. There is no motion except for the scratches on this twenty-year-old four-millimeter film. THE END.] > > But I will say this: FRED FLINTSTONE SHOULD BE PUT IN JAIL UNLESS HE > > CAN PERSONALLY APPEAR IN FRONT OF CONGRESS AND PROVE HE IS NOT A COMMUNIST! > > Kibo invented the netwide scan for keywords commonly used to make > profiles of net users. > > KIBO SHOULD BE PUT IN JAIL UNLESS HE CAN PERSONALLY APPEAR IN FRONT OF > CONGRESS AND PROVE HE IS EMPLOYED IN THE NATIONAL SECURITY AGENCY! Of which country? -- K. When I visited the U.S. Capitol, the security guards made me nervous, which made them suspicious of me. They then proceeded to make pointless small talk with me so they could observe just how uneasy I was. If only Matt McIrvin had been there to distract them by crashing a rented truck into the "STOP" sign. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The People Vs. "The Jetsons Vs. The Flintstones" Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 02:44:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Sean Smith (smthsen@bcvms.bc.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Fred Flintstone: "Hey, Barney, care for a glass of regurgitated > > chewed-up caterpillars from the gullet of this bird we pretend is > > a soft-drink dispenser?" > > Non-sequitorial thought: What, if anything, did Fred, Barney and other > males wear under their tunic-like garb? A small green bird that covers your private parts with its wings and shrieks "UNDERWEAR HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET!" whenever you look at it. > And how come no one seemed to pick up on the fact that males and females > both essentially wore skirts, thereby raising any number of questions > about gender-identification? They weren't skirts. They were brightly-colored togas with a perfectly geometric zigzag bottom edge, the kind that only cavemen can make with their zigzag-shaped swords that fit snugly into their zigzag-shaped scabbards. I think that if Bart Simpson wore a yellow Flintstones outfit nobody would be able to tell whether he was standing on his head, and then a little bird would say "MUMENSCHANZ HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET!" -- K. To avoid promulgating more misinformation on the Internet, let me just clarify something: Mumenschanz was NOT invented by Bart Simpson during cartoon times, because he is just a cartoon, unlike Mumenschanz, who are Swiss people rolling around in bags. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: STORY (new): Way To Go, Einstein! Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 08:00:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com WAY TO GO, EINSTEIN! Copyright (C) 2000 James "Kibo" Parry Einstein was bored, so he invented a time machine. Well, actually, he was trying to invent a pop-up toaster that could be used in the bathtub when he accidentally invented a time machine. He put the time machine away until he could think of something that would be fun to do with it, and went back to tinkering with his toaster. Weeks later, while eating dinner (factory-reject toast with five kinds of butter) Einstein remembered that once he took a trip to New Jersey, and while staying at the Motel 6 he had tried to read the Gideon Bible, but stopped after reading Matthew and Luke because Matthew said Jesus was born in 4 B.C. and Luke said Jesus was born in 6 B.C. This continuity error ruined the story for him. Was Jesus born four years Before Christ, or six years Before Christ? But now this problem could be solved! Einstein was lucky in that now, thanks to his time machine, he'd be the first person to ever see Jesus! He washed himself good with Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap so that he'd smell his best when he asked Jesus how old He was. Climbing into his time machine, he set the controls for quite a few years after the birth of Christ, because Einstein didn't want to meet Jesus when He was still a toddler. (Grown-up Jesus would be much better at answering Einstein's questions, and would be potty-trained too.) Einstein pushed the "GO" button but the time machine just made grinding noises. They onboard computer yelled, "HEY, EINSTEIN, YOUR PARKING BRAKE'S ON!" Einstein disabled both the parking brake and the obnoxious computer, and then he was on his way speeding through the whirling mists of eternity. (Travelling through time was much like going down an infinitely long corridor, except that instead of being made of bricks it was made of time, and the "EXIT" signs were in futuristic lettering.) Back in Biblical times, he flew the time machine to a leafy glade and parked it in a convenient spot where it wouldn't be likely to get dented when one of the other two time machines in the glade pulled out. He straightened his pants cuffs and set out to find Jesus. Einstein climbed to the top of a hill and found Jesus. Unfortunately, He had already been nailed to a large cross! (The Romans had mounted it on a swivel base so they could turn it to cook Him evenly on all sides.) Jesus was hanging limply in his silly-looking underpants. Einstein examined Him. "Oh no! I'm too late! He's dead! And from the looks of this .45-caliber bullet hole in his chest, it wasn't from crucifixion -- IT WAS MURDER!" Obviously, another time traveller had already come back in time, and had shot Jesus because He knew too much! With his time machine, Einstein would have to prevent this to keep the Bible from getting all scrambled! He ran back to his time machine so he could return to the present to prepare for his most important mission ever: To save the life of Jesus so that He could be crucified the way He was meant to. Back in the present, Einstein plotted to assassinate the guy who was going to assassinate Jesus. But he didn't know that much about assassinations, so he decided to join the CIA to get some training. He began writing a letter: "Dear, CIA, I would like to join --" but just then four agents broke down his door and dragged him off to headquarters without waiting for him to finish his letter. "So that you can get good at infiltration," said CIA director Ollie West, "we're going to drop you in the middle of the Soviet Union. But first, we'll teach you fluent Russian, then we'll bore a hole through the part of your brain that remembers fluent Russian so you can't cheat by using any of it." West prepared to drill Einstein in Russian and then drill into Einstein's brain. "If you survive the Soviet Union and make it out without being detected, return here for your next training mission." "But, there isn't any Soviet Union any more. They broke up like the Spice Girls." "Oh, don't worry about that. We have time machines just like yours, copied from your blueprints. You see, when you join the CIA, all your property becomes government property, just like when you get drafted." Einstein was dropped in the middle of Moscow in 1957 with a hole in his head. He managed to get out by disguising himself as a dog so that the Russians put him in Sputnik IV and shot him into orbit. He bailed out of the satellite over Canada, which was safe because Canada was a CIA-controlled country. They picked him up in one of their time machines. "Good work," said West, "so now we're going to do the same thing again to continue your assassin training. This time, we're going to send you to kill Hitler." "Are you going to teach me German and then cut another hole in my head?" "Naah, we'll just stick this giant menorah into the existing hole in your head, just in case Hitler doesn't know you're Jewish, Einstein. After you've killed Hitler, come back here and we'll move on to a more dangerous assignment." This time, instead of a time machine, Einstein was sent back through time wearing only a one-way time parachute. He materialized standing on a toilet in Hitler's sparkling personal bathroom. "Oh boy! I finally get to realize my childhood dream of blowing up Adolf Hitler!" Unfortunately, the candles in the menorah in his head set off Hitler's smoke detector, and SS guards came running, so Einstein jumped out a window and escaped into the Black Forest. He ran past alternating layers of cherry trees and chocolate trees. Einstein settled on a simple plan: To find Wernher von Braun and give him the idea for the V-2, just like the time travellers did in "Galactica 1980". Then, Einstein would turn one of the V-2's around and use it to blow Hitler to bits! Unfortunately, by the time German rocket science had advanced enough for Einstein's needs, the damn war had ended and Einstein had missed his chance to kill Hitler! He had failed in his mission, so the CIA wouldn't come to pick him up, and he had to come home via the slow route -- sitting in a corner and waiting fifty years. (And all that time, he never realized there was a square of Hitler's fancy-schmancy mongrammed toilet paper stuck to his heel.) Einstein was drummed out of the CIA for not killing Hitler so he went home, dejected. This assassination stuff hadn't worked out too well. After all, if deadly weapons couldn't kill Hitler, what good were they? Einstein resolved to use non-violent means to prevent the assassination of Jesus. He spent the next few minutes inventing the perfect non-lethal weapon... a gun that encased the bad guy in an unbreakable plastic bubble and then sent the bubble to the Museum Of All Evil People Ever Plus A Few Bubble Boys. He tested his gun by firing it at his TV. The squiggly beam travelled into the TV screen, captured Tom Green in a plastic shell, and sent him off to the museum. It worked! (And with Tom Green gone, "The Tom Green show" was much more pleasant to watch.) Now Einstein could use his new non-lethal weapon to put the kibosh on the guy who offed the Son of God. Because this would be Einstein's greatest adventure of all, and because he might be gone quite a while, he packed some extra underwear and took steps to ensure that nobody would break into his home while he was away. He tossed several cans of foam into his freezer (that kind of expanding insulating foam that swells up to ten thousand times its normal volume) and then when they were frozen, he set them on his coffee table, chopped them in half with an axe, and then ran. As he locked the door, he heard the distinctive sound of foam thawing, and then instantly his home was filled with rock-hard burglar-proof foam. Then he spray-painted "I AM HOME!" on the front door just so that burglars wouldn't think he was out of town saving Jesus. This time, he made sure to arrive in Biblical times a few hours before the last time he was there. He found Jesus right where he had left Him, only earlier. He was still alive, just asleep. And naked! Einstein worried that the other time-traveller might be a pervert who would have brought a digital camera to take photos of Jesus's winky to sell them on eBay, so Einstein decided to put one of his spare pairs of underwear on Jesus. This woke Him up and he looked down at the design of His new Underoos. "Who is this Batman?" "Oh, good morning, Jesus. Batman is this made-up imaginary fictional guy who is a superhero and fights crime and evil and injustice and stuff like that, but he's different from other superheroes in that he's just a regular guy who can be killed easily, not like Superman. Superman has infinite powers and is impervious to all pain and cannot be harmed or killed." There was an awkward pause in the conversation as blood dripped from the nails that Romans pushed through Jesus's hands. In the distance, Superman flew past, laughing. Einstein decided this might have been a faux pas, but fortunately he had also brought underwear that didn't have Batman printed on the crotch. "I think maybe the Fonzie Underoos would be more appropriate. They say 'SIT ON IT!' on the fanny, get it? Hey, Jesus, let me pull down your underpants." But just then, the conversation Einstein and Jesus were having about underwear was interrupted by the appearance of another time-traveller. Einstein couldn't quite make him out through the morning fog, but obviously he was some sort of demented lunatic with wild hair and mismatched socks. The other guy held up a Colt .45, pointed it at Jesus, fumbled with the safety, and -- Einstein, thinking quickly, used his non-violent Bubble-Encasing-Museum-Teleporting gun as it was intended, and sent the other time-travelling wacko directly to permanent confinement in the Museum Of All Evil People Ever Plus A Few Bubble Boys. Jesus was saved! "Hooray for Einstein!" shouted Jesus, who applauded as best as he could with his two hands nailed to separate logs. With his mission complete, Einstein piloted his time machine back to the present day, landing on the roof of his Styrofoam-filled home. Weary from his fun adventures, he sat down and examined the scrap of paper he had taken from the other guy before he had zapped him. It was some sort of very soft tissue paper. In fact -- it felt like Hitler's toilet paper! And he knew it was Hitler's because it had a drawing of Spike Jones's face printed on it! Then he noticed that he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to the heel of his own shoe. Einstein now had two of the same piece of toilet paper, which was the weirdest thing he had ever experienced. He compared them and they were absolutely identical. "Hmm," he mused, "I must have picked up one of these when I was standing on Hitler's toilet... and this means that the guy who shot Jesus was also me! Of course! Now it all makes perfect sense! I wouldn't have bothered saving the life of Jesus if it hadn't been endangered by some time-travelling mad scientist shooting at him, so now I have to travel back in time again... If I don't shoot Jesus, then I won't bother travelling back in time to prevent myself from killing Jesus, and then I'll have shot Jesus!" Einstein powered up his time machine again in order to shoot Jesus in order to save Him. But then he remembered that when he tried to shoot Him, he would also be there shooting at him with his gun that trapped people in plastic bubbles. He didn't want to get shot with that cruel non-violent gun, even if he was only being shot by himself! Being encased in plastic was not fun! While in transit, he turned the time machine around and headed straight home, materializing in the middle of his living room. Which, of course, caused him to be encased in plastic instantaneously as he found himself at the center of an enormous block of Styrofoam. He tried to scream but his lungs were filled with Styrofoam. In fact, because he had materialized so rapidly, the Styrofoam didn't have a chance to get pushed out of the way, so every cell of his body was permeated with internal Styrofoam. His Styrofoam-filled brain could only think about Styrofoam. Styrofoam Styrofoam Styrofoam. Outside, Superman flew past. His red bikini bottom had been damaged in a nuclear explosion, so instead he was wearing Underoos over his blue leotard. They showed a crude drawing of Fonzie. He was saying "SIT ON IT!" Superman liked the Fonzie Underoos so much that he decided not to rescue Einstein, because then he'd have to give back Einstein's underwear. Superman laughed and flew off to continue defending the free world. Meanwhile, in a distant part of the cosmos, the curator of the Museum Of All Evil People Ever Plus A Few Bubble Boys polished Hitler's bubble, which was next to Tom Green's in the Wing Devoted To Men Who Have Only One Testicle. The curator loved looking into Hitler's bubble, because of all the bubbles inhabited by all the evil people who ever lived, Hitler's had the prettiest toilet paper. THE END -- K. It's fun to write in the bathtub. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A corny story and technological inquiry Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 08:14:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > Dear Kibologists: > > > > I've recently recalled a story from my youth that I need to share > > with someone, and I think this newsgroup seems to be the most > > appropriate place. > > > > [...] > > > > So if any of you ever find one of these popping pads anywhere, > > I suggest putting it to use to make your corn fly. Also be sure to try new Dr. Scholl's Flying Corn Pads! > > Also, can anyone here explain the operative principle behind > > those little wax-coated cardboard sleeves in which frozen foods > > are placed before being cooked in the microwave so the food will > > turn out crispy? > > Sure. They're keeping the water from escaping, so it stays in the surface and > bakes it, because -only- the water in something heats up in the microwave > (because there's li'l demons sitting inside it to make sure no other > molecules intercept the microwaves, or some such; red will now explain). > > This is the same sort of thing that makes people think bread is -soft- > when it comes out of the oven. (It's not; it's -crusty-, because it just > -baked- for goodness' sake. It softens up when it sits in an enclosed area- > or-bag for a while after that, hence the term "moister than a breadbox".) David, you cannot trap me with your silly trollery, no matter how hard you try. I know the true story of what makes the inside of a microwave a much better place to cook food than the outside (unless the area outside your microwave happens to include an actual gas oven, that being the appropriate technology -- fire -- for cooking food.) So, to prove I am an expert in the science of bad-tasting overpriced convenience foods: Most of those microwave "crisping sleeves" aren't even remotely water-tight (usually open at the ends) but if you look at one, you'll notice the inner side is generally a dull gray. Look at that really closely (at the microscopic level, that is) and you'll see that the waxed cardboard has been sprayed with vaporized metal spittle on that side. You know how microwaves make electrical currents in metal things -- you can prove it by drawing a big "C" in thick pencil lines, with the gap in the "C" fairly short, and then putting that piece of paper in the microwave to see the mouth of the "C" catch fire from the electrical arc -- so these sleeves basically get hot enough to actually brown the Hot Pocket or whatever because the cardboard sleeves get very hot due to all the electricity screwing around between the metal spittle dots. Sort of. Matt McIrvin will now explain about the guy who used calcium chloride to map the nodes and antinodes to visualize the resonances coming out of that darn cavitron, and then someone will claim that the microwave will short itself out for safety reasons if it detects that you've taped down the little button that tells it the door's closed. -- K. If you like flying food, try poking holes in white grapes before 'waving. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: animal crackers Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 08:28:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > > > i have a package of animal crackers here > > > > they are unrecognizable animals. i think they are alien animal crackers. > > You're holding them sideways. It's hard to recognize amoebae that way. MMM! CRUNCHY AMOEBAE!!! Mark, you should get those educational Japanese crackers with the names of the animals printed on them in English, with the Japanese translations on the back of the box. Just the thing to teach your toddler English if you're a kyokumama.* I had a box of these once where the ducky was stamped "M. DUCK" and I wondered if he was related to Raul Julia as "M. Bison" in "Street Fighter: The Movie" but then I transliterated the Japanese on the box to see that they meant "Mallard Duck". * If I'm spelling that wrong, that's just too bad. -- K. I apologize for reminding everyone of the existence of these movies based on games: Street Fighter Mortal Kombat Double Dragon Super Mario Bros. Wing Commander The Last Starfighter Dungeons & Dragons Clue Twister ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Re-activating more dormant brain cells. Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 08:37:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leigh Witchel (dae@panix.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > > > Leigh Witchel (dae@panix.com) wrote: > > > > > > David DeLaney (dbd@panacea.phys.utk.edu) wrote: > > > > > > > > "Leigh Witchel." > > > > > > Umm. . .you rang? > > > > Hi, Leigh! Welcome to the all-new all-different all-recycled ARK! > > Oh wow. I feel like Woody Allen must have felt in Sleeper after waking up > wrapped in tinfoil. Waking up in tinfoil is kind of fun. Crinkly, too. > I'm not sure I can handle an alt.religion.kibology with an actual Kibo. > I entered after the Exodus and left before The Great Return. Can one person be an exodus? Even a person as great and useful as me? -- K. I hope you people aren't upset that I went to Las Vegas for a whole week without you. (You guys were pretty good while I was away.) No, I didn't bring you anything. (I spent all the money for your gifts on that machine with the little rakes that keep pushing the piles of quarters up to the invisible force field that stops them from ever falling off the shelf.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ÁPAXIL! Date: Thu, 27 Apr 2000 08:44:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Pete" (pfilandr@mindspring.com) wrote: > > According to this commercial I saw on TV, > they have pill now, that cures my personality. The pill contains thousands of tiny midgets with interesting personal lives who take up residence in your brain and constantly fiddle with the strings and guy wires that connect your brain to the parts of your body that interact with other people. Just be sure not to accidentally take too many of the pills, otherwise you will have too much personality, and everyone will love you so much and give you so much money to be on the world's best-loved TV show that you'll be terribly unhappy and turn into one of those celebrities who whines to dozens of interviewers that being a celebrity is hard. And then, to cheer you up, they'll have to give you another kind of pill full of tiny midgets who read aloud thousands of never-before-performed scripts from your favorite cancelled sitcom. -- K. Don't take the "Small Wonder" pill. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ÁPAXIL! Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:09:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then, to cheer you up, they'll have to give you another kind > > of pill full of tiny midgets who read aloud thousands of > > never-before-performed scripts from your favorite cancelled sitcom. > > The mere notion of such a thing happening, makes me feel better already. Okie dokie, lowercase Pete, name your favorite cancelled sitcom and I'll write the first script just for you. Jamming it into a pill with several live midgets will be your own responsibility, but I volunteer to write one script for any sitcom you want. At no charge! Unless it's one of those atrocious sitcoms made just for children, such as "Small Wonder", "Punky Brewster", "Meego", or "Knight Rider". I'll only write one of those if you give me the appropriate amount of money, which would contain over a trillion zeroes and at least one other kind of digit at the beginning. -- K. Preferably in Base 16, which has special digits for things like "Jackpot" and "Lose A Turn". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ÁPAXIL! Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 02:36:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > "Pete" (pfilandr@mindspring.com) wrote: > > > > > > According to this commercial I saw on TV, > > > they have pill now, that cures my personality. > > > > The pill contains thousands of tiny midgets with interesting personal > > lives who take up residence in your brain and constantly fiddle with > > the strings and guy wires that connect your brain to the parts of your > > body that interact with other people. > > It feels like that has happened to me recently, and I haven't taken > anything. Now, really, can you honestly say that you haven't taken ANYTHING? We have you on record as swiping an orange-yellow Crayola from Sally J. in the first grade because you were jealous that hers still had a label on it and you had accidentally peeled yours. And besides, as every professional lie-detector operator knows, EVERYONE feels guilty about stealing SOMETHING, you CRAYON-PEELER! > I don't know what it is, but it's as if something was holding me back, > but not anymore, and now not only am I more sociable, but I'm also > babbling incomprehensibly at every opportunity. > > Yup. My inhibitions are gone, and now I'm reminded why they were there. To safeguard the species from becoming dangerously inbred after 51% of all children born within the next fifty years are the direct descendants of Nick Bensema? > What's worse is, I often use humor as a defense mechanism... even when > I'm defending myself against my own flawed sense of humor. > > Building up a real personality takes hard work. They used to have a Barbie doll that yelled "Being interesting is HARD!" whenever you pulled her string, but they had to stop selling her when the National Organization For Women complained that real women didn't have strings coming out of the back of their heads. So Barbie is back to having her boring plastic personality, or lack thereof. -- K. I'm eating cherries that have been soaked in chemicals to remove all traces of cherry flavor and replace it with Blue Bazzberry flavor! I guess that makes me Interesting.* * That asterisk isn't connected to this one, it's just a visual representation of a little sparkle that went "DING!" when I said that. Because I'm so interesting that I go "DING!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.tv.game-shows,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: MY NEW NET GAME- MATCH GAME 2000!!!!! Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 03:04:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > In alt.tv.game-shows, "Kpathfinder" (kpathfinder@aol.com) wrote: > > > > My net game creation- Match Game 2000 is under way!!! We'll need 6 > > "celebrities" > > (see below) and 2 players. > > It's not a real net game Match Game 2000 unless Kibo has the Charles > Nelson Reilly role. I accept the invitation! Unless I have to wear that same toupee he did. It made him look GAY! > > The site's address is : > > Genius! To put a "blank" where the site's address should be! > > I choose "weewee.com". > > Of course, I've been leading the movement (so to speak) to have > www officially pronounced "weewee" in honor of Charles Nelson Reilly. > As soon as I can get William Safire (who invented the word "dot") > over to the cause, you'll be seeing it on all the tv ads. > > Have a happy dot com! I'd just like to mention that I saw the _final_ host of TV's "Match Game", Michael Burger, hosting "Wheel of Fortune" live on stage (at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas) last week, and even though he sort of looks like Bob Goen, he's a much wittier host than Pat Sajak or any of the other "Wheel" hosts on TV. This was in a show that was being performed completely extemporaneously -- the contestants were chosen randomly from the audience right then and there, so he didn't have any time to think about what to say when talking to each of them, and he did a really great job. I was impressed that not only did someone manage to be a witty game-show host, he did it without Dick DeBartolo writing cue cards. Of course, nobody won the $68,500 grand prize, because the bonus round of the MGM Grand's "Wheel Of Fortune" is impossible. (You have to spin the big wheel three times and match the secret number exactly on all three spins. Otherwise you just get a TV set and wristwatch.) What I don't understand about the live "Wheel of Fortune" is why they need _two_ fake Vanna Whites, especially as neither of them has to push the buttons to light up the letters the way the real Vanna does. One just stands next to the board, and the other writes down the names of the contestants on a slip of paper to remind the host who he's talking to. Also, when resetting the board between rounds, they played a clip of the funniest moments from "The Newlywed Game", but for some reason they didn't show the "That would be in the butt, Bob" or "Cram it, clown!" segments. -- K. Incidentally, the contestants on "Wheel of Fortune" on TV really are selected as the most intelligent of the applicants -- when they select actual normal audience members to play, they invariably call the same consonant two or even three times in a row, even though the famous Used Letter Board is staring them in the face. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Missing Link Appears in IBM Stairwell! Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 03:14:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Glenn Knickerbocker (notr@bestweb.net) wrote: > > On my way in to "Take Our Children To Work Day" (IBM's latest > contribution to our Great White Male Conspiracy), I was barred from the > stairway by what can only be the missing link between the yellow tentlet > and the orange cone. Spelling out "PISO MOJADO" in dark, blood-red > letters was a never-seen PINK TENTLET. That's nothing. Two days ago I photographed a PURPLE one! It was at the Las Vegas Hilton, in one of the men's rooms that _doesn't_ have talking urine analyzers, across from the Benihana run by "Thunderbirds" puppets. It was the most hideous shade of purple imaginable... It was the color of Barney! > Cross a yellow tentlet with a pink tentlet like so: > > /'. > / '. > / P /\ > / i /. \ > / n / '.\ > .'\ '.k / '\ > .'Y \ './ > /\ e \ > / .\ l \ .'/| > /.' \ l \ .'.//| > /' \ o.' .'.'//|| > \.'w // || > // || > // > > and what do you get? It's somewhat squarish, but orange and clearly > recognizable as a cone. I understand, except for the way the one at the top says "Knip". Who is Knip? Did he invent the game of Knip Knop? -- K. I like how "Ping Pong" is a registered trademark for one brand of table tennis equipment, but it's legal for someone else to trademark "Gnip Gnop". HEY EVERYONE COME EAT AT MY NEW RESTAURANT, GNIK REGRUB! HOME OF THE DRUTBURGER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Trump Statement Misses Point of Suit Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 03:51:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > NEW YORK (AP) -- Donald Trump is no chemical engineer. But THE DANCING BEARS OF OBVIOUSNESS aren't either! And here they come, just dripping with lack of chemical engineering ability! > Responding to a lawsuit filed by a man claiming one of Trump's > construction sites is kicking up too much dust, a spokesman for the > real estate mogul released this statement: > ``Silicone is used in breast implants. This is just someone else > trying to make a buck off Donald Trump with a frivolous lawsuit.'' > Harry Burstein, 78, complained that silicon -- no ``e'' -- and > other pollutants from the construction project were affecting his > breathing. > Sand -- commonly used in construction -- is a form of silica, a > granular substance that can contribute to silicosis, a respiratory > ailment. Silicone is a semiliquid or rubbery material. > Burstein is suing Trump for $25,000, claiming construction dust > from the high-rise near the United Nations is damaging his health > and sticking to everything he owns. Now that the difference has been explained to Trump, he's going to switch to having his building spew breast implants over the city. -- K. I bet he confuses the words "nuclear" and "nucular" too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The All-Puppet Trial Of The Century Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 04:30:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com God bless the Associated Press for letting me find out about news as important as this. > Pets.com Socks It to 'Late Night' > > By JESSIE SEYFER > Associated Press Writer > > SAN FRANCISCO (AP) Ñ Online pet supply store Pets.com says the friendly > reputation of its kitschy ``spokespuppet'' has been defamed by a > foul-mouthed dog puppet featured on NBC's ``Late Night With Conan O'Brien.'' > > In a federal lawsuit filed last week, Pets.com accuses ``Late Night'' > writer Robert Smigel, creator of the show's ``Triumph the Insult Comic > Dog,'' of defaming the ubiquitous sock puppet. > > ``Triumph is a rubber-dog that ... regularly uses vulgarity, insults both > the humans and other dogs around him and often conducts physical attacks > of a sexual nature on female dogs,'' the complaint says. > > The lawsuit goes on to say that in ``an attempt to harm the Sock Puppet's > audience appeal and ... to increase Triumph's popularity through a public > `controversy' or `scandal,''' Smigel has claimed to media outlets that > ``the Sock Puppet is a `rip-off' of Triumph.'' > > The lawsuit names only Smigel and not the show or NBC. It seeks > unspecified damages and legal costs. It's interesting to note that they're only suing the writer behind (and inside) the puppet, and not the actual show or network who would be actually responsible if Conan's non-cloth-made rubber puppet hadn't first appeared TWO AND A HALF YEARS BEFORE the stupid annoying pets.com sock puppet that wants to be Tom Green, but isn't even that good... ...FOR ME TO PQQP ON! > Marc Liepis, a spokesman for ``Late Night,'' said neither the show nor > Smigel would comment on the lawsuit. But, he noted that the cigar-smoking > Triumph made his debut long before the arrival of the sock puppet. > > Liepis said the cigar-smoking Triumph first appeared on Late Night on Feb. > 13, 1997. The Pets.com puppet made its debut in August 1999. YOUR HONOR, I CONTEND THAT CONAN O'BRIEN INVENTED A TIME MACHINE JUST TO PERSECUTE ME! -- K. Didn't Jim Henson once have some sort of green sock puppet with glued-on Ping Pong ball eyes back around 1958? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 06:06:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Do you know what I think is odd about a.r.k at the moment? Every other newsgroup has been abuzz with bozos explaining the correct way the government should solve or should have solved the Elian Gonzalez situation, for the past six months. But he's hardly been mentioned at all in a.r.k. Is it because (a) you're just completely sick of hearing about El*an G*nz*lez or (b) you're afraid that even mentioning him will start an enormous flamewar that will take ten years to die out, leaving the shattered ruins of your favorite newsgroup or (c) you folks live in caves that don't have tee-vee? I'm not suggesting that anyone talk about the poor little kid with the crazy relatives who had more accent marks in his name than regular Americans and a friendly fisherman who always wears the same shirt hiding in his closet and Cyber Flying SWAT Ninja Gestapos ripping him from his home while the Associated Press photographer leads the flying wing of people stepping on his toys, 'cause frankly, it's not interesting (it's not like Desi Arnaz Jr. was involved or anything), I'm just pointing out that so far nobody's pointed out that nobody's pointed this out on a.r.k. -- K. OH MY GOD JANET RENO JUST CAME OVER TO PERSONALLY THROW OUT ALL THE MOLDY RAVIOLI IN MY REFIRGERATOR! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 23:48:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > Doug Horne (dhorne@uoguelph.ca) wrote: > > > > P.S. - I read a story about Bob Hope in the New Yorker that revealed > > a terrible secret. Seems that Bob has been keeping EVERY 'JOKE' > > EVER WRITTEN FOR HIM in a rather massive collection of filing > > cabinets (there are millions of the things). I believe that he may > > be holding us all ransom with the knowledge that when he actually > > does really die for good, this horrible collection could fall into > > the hands of someone THAT MIGHT LET THEM LOOSE ON THE PUBLIC! > > It's kind of like the opposite of that Monty Python sketch with the > killer joke. Oh no! If the spies smuggle the Opposite Of The Killer Joke into Germany and tell it to Hitler, he'll NEVER DIE! Fortunately, so far Bob Hope is the only person ever to have read the joke that makes people immortal. We must track it down and carefully destroy it without reading it, because immortality is not worth having unless we can discover a form of it which works only on regular humans and not celebrities. Also, mentioning Hitler being made immortal by the world's lamest joke will cause any Usenet thread to never die. -- K. Unless I counter it by saying HITLER HITLER HITLER HITLER HITLER HITLER DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY DOIDY LIVERWORT LIVERWORT LIVERWORT LIVERWORT!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 23:35:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > I'm not sick of hearing about [Eli‡n]. When I first heard about him, I > correctly smelled the whiff of Impending Stupid Media Circus emanating > from the wire stories, so I deliberately avoided paying attention to it, > and to this day I maintain my carefully tended lack of knowledge or > opinions about the case. So, what you're saying is that you missed that Miami Cuban guy's sworn testimony in Congress that if Eli‡n went back to Cuba, Fidel Castro would _eat_ him? I SWEAR I WOULDN'T MAKE THAT UP BECAUSE IT WOULD BE SO STUPID THAT PEOPLE WOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT REALLY HAPPENED UNLESS IT ACTUALLY DID! AND IT DID! But hopefully Fidel won't eat the boy. -- K. He'll probably just give the boy some cigars to smoke. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 16:46:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Doug Horne (dhorne@uoguelph.ca) wrote: > > [on the Federales taking Eli‡n Gonz‡lez away at gunpoint] > > I just didn't find the entire thing that odd ... every time I try to get > my two year old to leave the house (particularly during Blues Clues) a > team of SWAT Ninja Gestapos would be quite helpful .... Yes, but that's a _two-year-old_. Eli‡n is _six_, which is almost grown up. I think this is why everyone who wants him to stay in the USA forever keeps telling us that Eli‡n wants to stay, because everyone knows that six-year-olds are free to choose whether or not to live in a different country from their parents. > I though firearms were quite appropriate since those Ninjas weren't > running around picking up all of the kid's stuffed animals and dolls > and teletubbies and little porcelain turtles and bottles and > shoes and rattly egg-thing and trying to take them all along. I envision it as being something like the scene with the firemen from "Time Bandits" stomping on all the kid's toys in extreme close-up. "Hey! Look! A glass unicorn statuette! Good thing I'm wearing these giant paratrooper boots!" *CRUNCH* They shoulda let Terry Gilliam direct that raid. As far as toys go, after they bundled him up in a blanket and tossed him in that unmarked white van driven by the guy with the fireproof black Nomex ninja hood and dumped him into an Air Force plane, they gave him a can of Play-Doh to make it up to him. Really! "Hey, kid, we're taking you somewhere where you'll get a wonderful American substance called Play-Doh. Play-Doh is non-toxic and completely harmless in every way. Now come along or we'll shoot your crazy relatives." > My kid would have been screaming too ... (just because we were going > outside ... she wouldn't actually notice anything at all past that outrage). Is your twoser in the phase where they run around shouting "NO!NO!NO!NO!NO! NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!NO!" constantly without being prompted? I find this a highly interesting stage of development, because you never hear any toddlers yelling "YOU'RE ALLOWED!" over and over. > P.S. - I read a story about Bob Hope in the New Yorker that revealed a > terrible secret. Seems that Bob has been keeping EVERY 'JOKE' EVER > WRITTEN FOR HIM in a rather massive collection of filing cabinets > (there are millions of the things). > I believe that he may be holding us all ransom with the knowledge that > when he actually does really die for good, this horrible collection > could fall into the hands of someone THAT MIGHT LET THEM LOOSE ON THE PUBLIC! Well, the publication of L. Ron Hubbard-sized volumes of "Milton Berle's Private Joke File" hasn't brought about horror and chaos. On the other hand, it hasn't exactly revived Mr. Berle's career. It's weird to think that a lot of people insist television would never have caught on if Milton Berle hadn't dressed up in a dress every week. IN THE 1950S, THIS WAS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER! Oh, forget about "I Love Lucy" and "The Honeymooners" and "Burns & Allen". People would only fork over money for Philcos if they could see a guy dressed like a woman. THE 1950s WERE SO GAY!!! > As long as he keeps quiet, it's O.K. with me if he just keeps on living .... Even his webmaster seems to want him to die. From www.bobhope.com's official Bob Hope souvenir shoppe: -> Bob Hope Christmas Ornament ($27.95) -> If you've ever wanted to hang Bob, here's your chance. Just below that is the following puzzler: -> Bob Hope Mug ($11.95) -> A 7" glass mug with Bob's caricature and signature etched into it. -> Ideal for any beverage, but wouldn't an Itish coffee be nice about now? QUICK, EVERYONE! DRINK COUSIN IT! "Mommy, there's not enough hair in my coffee!" "Hush, dear. Daddy's busy trying to ski on both sides of that tree simultaneously." And thus the topic of conversation comes back to _The New Yorker_, because Kibo can take any conversation to the edge of the Universe and then return it from whence it came so that nobody will notice! -- K. _The New Yorker_ is such a classy force in pop culture. You know, all those "Addams Family" movies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 16:27:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leo Sgouros (lsgouro1@tampabay.rr.com) wrote: > > Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > > > Can you -- SPOT -- THE -- REALITY????? Where IS the Universe, anyway??? > > You wacky kids are playing in the fuzz of the margins again. > Mind you manners! SO FEW MANNERS THEY AREN'T ALL OVER YOU SCREEN!!! Someday I need to add that meme to the exegesis section of my Web site. If I ever update it again. It's a Web site! It should NEVER need updating! Also, margins aren't really fuzzy, as anyone who has ever gotten a paper cut can tell you -- have you ever heard of anyone getting a paper cut from the CENTER of the page? -- K. I've got the flu! But that doesn't matter because none of you people can tell, because I'm the only one here living in the OFFICIAL reality. The rest of you are just people on the Internet to me! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 10:35:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Roger Douglas (new Durian Recipe)" (rdouglas@zipworld.com.au) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > Incidentally, I also haven't seen any Bob Hope movies or TeeVee > > shows or anything really. I don't know why youze guyz always > > complain about Bob Hope. > > I saw a Bob Hope movie the other day, or part of one anyhow. > > It was the one where Bob Hope plays an ascerbic and mean-spirited theatre > critic and his wife, played by Lucille Ball, writes a play and has it > produced. > No hilarity ensues. > They get into arguments about whether he should go to the opening night and > review the play, thereby proving that he takes her seriously. (early > feminism, folks!). In the end he does, but only after he has got severely > drunk, and he makes a nuisance of himself and nearly falls over the balcony > and so forth (Charlie Chaplin did it better). > Then they make up and live happily ever after. > > It was mind-bogglingly awful. The one you're thinking of was "Critic's Choice", but I have no information about whether Lucy or Bob hurt themselves severely while filming it. Of several films Bob Hope did with Lucille Ball (before he discovered Phyllis Diller, who would do the same stuff cheaper) the best is one called "The Facts Of Life", no relation to the series about the handful of bubbly girls who go to school together for ten years. According to the book "Desilu: The Story Of Lucille Ball And Desi Arnaz", during filming: * Lucy was knocked unconscious during a scene where she was supposed to jump onto a boat. * The director broke his ankle. * Actor Don DeFore hurt his back while filming, and was put in traction. * Their publicist came down with the mumps for two weeks. * A drugstore messenger came by to give Lucy painkillers for her head injury -- he tripped and fell into the water by the boat. From the book: -> Ball at one point peered around a crowded "Facts Of Life" Desilu-Gower -> soundstage and cracked, "How do you get out of this firetrap?" -- -> eerily, the set caught fire a few nights later and was partially -> destroyed. After smashing a finger during one take, Bob Hope quipped, -> "This film should have been shot at Cedars of Lebanon Hospital." The plot of that film is that she's a married woman tempted to have an affair with Bob Hope. Another infamous Lucy-Bob film is "Fancy Pants", in which Lucy and Bob appeared with the world's most Shatnerian over-actor, Victor Mature. Bob Hope fell off a fake horse while filming that one. Forgetting about Lucy, you should note that I've seen that famous kinescope of Bob Hope being dropped on his head by some other actress (whose name I forget) during a USO show in Iceland. It made a nice "KLUNK!" If only Lucy had dropped him on his head. Then the soundtrack would have been "KLUNK! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! QUICK, ETHEL, I HAVE TO DRESS UP AS BOB HOPE AND DO HIS ACT IN KOREA!" But just the "KLUNK!" was good enough to make the clip good, unlike those ones on "America's Funniest Home Videos" where they dub in _fake_ "KLUNK!" noises when someone suffers serious head trauma. Bob Hope's head was so talented that it went "KLUNK!" on its own! -- K. I judge comedians by whether their head goes "KLUNK!", "SQUISH!", or "DOIDY!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 09:28:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com And do you know what else is weird about the whole Eli‡n Gonz‡lez saga? At this very moment, on Nick At Nite, I am watching the "Dick Van Dyke" rerun where a Hispanic maid moves in with him and to get rid of her, he calls the I.N.S. and asks, "Do you have a pickup service?" I expect that within minutes, people will be firebombing the offices of Nick At Nite to demand they never show the episode again, and to have them show fewer than four episodes of "The Beverly Hillbillies" every night because "The Beverly Hillbillies" just plain sucks. After all, when "Seinfeld" did an episode showing Puerto Ricans rioting because Kramer accidentally burned their flag, they were agitated that they were being stereotyped as being easily agitated, and NBC had to burn the master tape of that episode. (Of course, if they had printed a still picture from the episode on the outside of the tape -- showing the Cuban flag -- then NBC would never have been able to burn "Seinfeld", and nobody would have been happy!) So, I expect that there will be pressure to never show this episode of "Dick Van Dyke" another 48,397th times. Also, when he trips over the ottoman, it's deeply offensive to Turks. -- K. And his name offends lesbians. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 07:14:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > They should have nuked Cuba, that's what they should have done. But that would make Desi Arnaz Jr. cry. And all the tears would run into his wide-open mouth and drown him. And then I'd only have Bob Hope to have a pointless vendetta against! And Archimedes Plutonium. And the guy who invented cheese. BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! I DON'T CARE WHO INVENTED CHEESE! JUST TRAVEL BACK IN TIME AND KILL HIM! Also, if we nuked Cuba, the Commies would retaliate by building a giant tractor-powered robotic Nikita Kruschev who would crush us by pounding on our buildings with a giant shoe. > Incidentally, I also haven't seen any Bob Hope movies or TeeVee > shows or anything really. I don't know why youze guyz always > complain about Bob Hope. Well, in 1996, I was complaining about him because the airwaves were filled with weepy tributes about how great Bob Hope was back when he was alive... and he was still alive. They obviously made a bunch of documentaries to be ready for his imminent demise (because anyone could see that he was ready to drop at any second, in 1996) and the meanie decided not to die, so they wasted all that airtime! But because he's been formally declared dead so many times since then (the Associated Press _twice_ accidentally posted his obit, and once he was even Eulogized in Congress!) people have started to forget about him, now that he's gone from being "Hurry up and die so we can air our weepy tribute!" to "Didn't he already die a few times? You know, like that Aesop fable about the boy who died wolf?" As a result, people are treating him as if he's been dead a long time _because_ he's alive, whereas if he had actually died he would have gotten much more attention. What a bozo!!! -- K. I think Desi Arnaz Jr. should drop Bob Hope on the man who invented whatever kind of cheese Archimedes Plutonium likes. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 07:07:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Quinn Inuit (quinn_inuit@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Does that make this somewhat of an escapist newsgroup? A strange > meta-reality we've created to make it easier to deal with actual > reality, which is far, far stranger? Wait... there _is_ an actual reality now? I'm frightened. I'm going to go hide in the closet with that fisherman who moved in with us and only wears one green T-shirt at all times and otherwise looks a lot like that wacky Kramer on the other channel. Are you saying that Kramer is real? > Ok, I've been spending too much time messing with the kooks in > alt.sci.physics.new-theories. They're starting to rub off on me. That's nothing. You should see the kooks over on the "Seinfeld" newsgroup. -- K. LET'S ALL WRITE TO NBC AND THEN THEY'LL **HAVE** TO DO A "SEINFELD MEETS SEAQUEST DSV" CROSSOVER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Something odd about alt.religion.kibology. Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 07:01:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Stefan Elisa Kapusniak (stefan.kapus@zetnet.co.uk) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Is it because > > > > (a) [...] > > > > (b) [...] > > > > (c) [...] > > (d) Chip manufacturer AMD have just elected to call their > latest processor the 'AMD Durian', instead of the wimpy > codename 'Spitfire', thus garnering MORE VOTERS for > Kibology and our ATOM POWERED future. Hmm. AMD claims the brand-spanking-new AMD Duron is designed to compete with Intel's wimpy little Intel Celeron. So now we have proof that a misspelled durian is as smart as a misspelled stalk of celery. And like all major corporate press releases, AMD's unveiling of the Duron name carries this charming disclaimer with as much text rest of the press release: -> Cautionary Statement -> This release contains forward-looking statements, which are made pursuant -> to the safe harbor provisions of the U.S. Private Securities Litigation -> Reform Act of 1995. Forward-looking statements are generally preceded by -> words such as "plans," "expects," "believes," "anticipates" or "intends." -> Investors are cautioned that all forward-looking statements in this -> release involve risks and uncertainty that could cause actual results to -> differ materially from current expectations. Forward-looking statements in -> this release include the risk that AMD may not launch the AMD Duron -> processor on the expected schedule and that comparable competitive -> products may be developed and launched by competitors in a similar -> timeframe. We urge investors to review in detail the risks and -> uncertainties in the Company's filings with the U.S. Securities Exchange -> Commission. Remember, kids, anything preceded by words such as "plans," "expects," "believes," "anticipates" or "intends" is probably not true. Therefore, if I were to say, "I INTENDS TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!", the Secret Service would arrest everyone _else_ on the Internet because I would have just demonstrated that I were _less_ likely to kill the President than those who didn't make such a useful forward-looking statement. Not that I intend to say that I intend to kill the President. He's no Bob Hope! I would actually be upset if someone killed the President because then it would pre-empt all TV for a week and I wouldn't be able to watch regular news 24 hours a day to wait for the Bob Hope story. -- K. I think Paul Krassner should have called for the death of Groucho Marx so he could ask the Secret Service why Kibo could get away with calling for the death of Bob Hope just to raise the bar on The McIrvin Limit. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: BOB HOPE IS DEAD! Date: Fri, 28 Apr 2000 10:37:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com ...is a "Subject:" header I won't get to use until he's dead. Oh, fooey. -- K. Bob Hope is old enough to remember when "fooey" was a dirty word. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELATIVITY MADE SIMPLE Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 01:37:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Chris Hillman (hillman@math.washington.edu) wrote: > > Anyone with an ounce of common sense who has read very many of Hammond's > posts will recognize that he is, to put it mildly, not playing with a full > deck of cards, but for the benefit of newcomers who might not have read > more than one or two of his posts and who might not see what's wrong this, > GH is basically confusing the magnitude of the acceleration vector of a > proper time parameterized timelike curve in spacetime with the Riemann > curvature tensor, a completely different object. And he thinks he's better than us because his brain is a perfect cube and our brains are just shaped like brains. Don't forget that part. No discussion of the ways in which George Hammond's physics ideas are wrong could be complete without a treatise on whether or not human brains are ever actually cubical. -- K. I say we should try to mate Archie with Cubey to see if we get a guy with a cubical plutonium atom powering his super-duper-genius brain. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELATIVITY MADE SIMPLE Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 02:13:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > I sir, have the same question for you, and the rest of the geniuii > in the field of Relativity. If you all are so smart, how come you > can't simply explain the origin of Curvature in Einstein's equation > to someone who is as stupid as me? Gee, I don't know. What POSSIBLE reason could there be that would prevent us from teaching General Relativity to someone AS STUPID AS YOU? -- K. Also, what's the plural of "geniuii"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELATIVITY MADE SIMPLE Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 05:45:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo,alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo.mod,alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo.d In the newsgroups alt.sci.physics.new-theories, alt.religion.kibology, and alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo (!) George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [to Simon Clark] > > Look out Simple Simon asshole punk .. you're talking to > someone who makes "original statements" that you can't be > looked up in a dictionary. Don't let it throw you. Dear George, *I* can be looked up in a dictionary... I've had my photo printed in more dictionaries than you've had hot breakfasts. -- K. And why HAVE you been having your hot breakfasts printed in dictionaries? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Re:_WILD_E_COYOTE'S_TRIAL_IF_..Wheres_Jack_now=BF?= Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 01:46:12 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > I was a nice dude in here but I do learn evry fast. One your incoherant > bull runs into reality youall go hide. Could someone please translate this from WebTV into English? And wouldn't Incoherent Bull Runs be the ickiest disease ever? > 1 there are no cristens in here .except me. What about Cristen Johnson on "3rd Rock From The Sun"? I hear she has an extra "Z" chromosome. > 2 None of you want to learn ..all you want to do is cover up reality. > # when you are dead you will stay dead. > the rest of the planet will be dead and then live forever. Your the > losers. Im not exspaining it all agan . See you when I walk the earth. > I will be the one with 5 bilion folowers. > The reality is at hand jack. you take swings and run for cover. > Tell me about th sole jack..and the univese befor the big bang ! Are > you hiding your true intelect jack.=BF=BF Do you have one =BF > Where did electrons come from. anyone ?? I AGREE, WE SHOULD FIND THE GUY THE ELECTRONS CAME FROM, AND PUNISH HIM! MAYBE THE ELECTRONS CAME FROM HITLER! AND THEN TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT, WE'LL HAVE TO REMOVE ALL THE ELECTRONS FROM OUR BODIES! > no lies ...no bs...just the facts without coveing anything up. you wont > even edmit you understood the question. > Your all idiots pretending to be interested. Ah, yes, the rallying cry of the WebTV user, "Your all idiots." > But all thou wants is to rob god of his glory. By the way, has anyone ever pointed out to you that there's normally a second "o" in "coyote"? -- K. We need an alt.orthography.new-theories. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WILD E COYOTE'S TRIAL IF YA WILL - BRING THE AXE DOWN! Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 02:00:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net sat on his keyboard: > > Jack....Its physics telling kids there is no god. > Befor the big one... > Jahova our god created exspanding energy that was void of form. The > exspanding energy chilled aganst the nothingness outside our universe > and caused liqufied energy (condenced energy ) as our space paservated > with the nothingness outside the univese. SET YOUR PASERS ON PASERVATE!!! > The energy space is made of is exspanding but the liquified energy > isnt. Gravit.!! Gravit is that new salmon-flavored sparkling water, right? > The liquified energy cooled into layers of energy having more force > inside the baloon than out and elements wer formed. > Then god spoke. the big bang !! > Gods active force is still at the same rate. > Light is a sound in space like a sound in water. > emf is a wave in spac like a wave in water. You misspelled "wav in spac". Hop this helps. > the condenced energy mater contains dosnt > exspand but all space exspands at the same rate. There is alot of space > in an atom. But the center of the atom is condenced energy. > Electrons are created in a patern in time in all space jackass. Tell me more of this "space jackass". > Jack denies god his glory and thats saitens wish to blind you. > Jahova still creats our universe at the same rate. > If light hit a spining electron then its deflection would never be back > over its own path an each time light jumped to another atom threw glass > it would lose coherant direction. WATCH OUT! THE ATOMS ARE THROWING BROKEN GLASS! > But when light is reflected it passes over all points of the univese. > Just like a wave in water. > A raidio make a vibraion in the antena and the wave is conducted in > energy.Electrons dont move. The speed of light is what the conductor > will allow. Every element has its own shape , sound and color. > It looks lik hot air rises and gravity pulls and magnets atracts, but > thats not whats happening. > Less dence air is pushed up by more dence air. gravity is a push into > a lower rate of exspansion as condenced energy dont exspand and magnets > make waves by thier ringing and wave interaction is the cause of atract > and repell. Physics is the view of the way things look without > understanding what your seeing. > Jack ...define within the laws of physics your sole . You misspelled "flounder". Hope this helps. > the trip to heaven and the universe befor the big bang, this is reality. > Not the bullshit picture physics paints of reality. REALITY IS BULLSHIT, MAN! > If you cant understand or say this is senceless then you are a lier. > Dont use physics to denie god to our childern. > Time is running out ...you have till oct 1 to be saved. Thats the day > I walk the earth. > Now jack ...who am I....Im no angel > Im the alian of revelation. > The one god sent. > The alian...not of this earth. Quick, someone call Janet Reno! > The noble one whose work is not perfect in the eyes of the lord jesus or > jahova our son and the father. Who am I jack the disboleaver the fool > that coves his ears as god speeks to him. "I'm not staying in this disco. Its sign is off by one letter." "Come back here, you disbo-leaver!" > Im the one that beat saitens ass. That scorned him . Im no angel. Im > not perfect. Just out of curiosity, wouldn't it be wise to learn the guy's name before you try to play with his ass? > The world has reason to fear me as I tell you the truth. every day > thousands of E mailers beg me to stop. Wow, you get more imaginary E-mail than I do. > Reality dosnt fit thier lifstyal. > I wont distroy the earth...but I will shake it. > You claim to be inteligent and understanding.. > then feed the hungry. Rid your greed. > I will walk the earth befor Jesus returns. > your physics will no longer hide the truth . > Any notion that anything else less thans gods active force is a lie > befor reality.It robs god of his glory . Jahova has fealings too. > I will not die on a pole. I will fight. > you wont silence me jack with your garble. Does anyone else find it ironic that the longest word he can spell is "garble"? > God in the last pages gives controle of all nations to the alian. > Saiten scrambles my message to earth to conseal its meaning. Ah, okay, now I understand, your WebTV is possessed by Satan. Well, I'm glad that you're the first WebTV user to have a valid excuse for being a bozo. > But soon Ill have my hands on saiten. > This time Im not just going to beat his ass. > Im going to let you watch jack you fool dienier of your father in > heaven. Why is understanding gravity so important. =BF=BF=BF=BF > It will proof the glory of god and fools will no longer say itisnt so This was one of the longest posts I've ever read from a WebTV. You must have the optional keyboard. I'd hate to think what your articles would look like if you just had the little four-button remote control. -- K. I just hope that when Janet Reno breaks up Microsoft, it doesn't damage Wild E.'s WebTV. I'd hate for WebTV to have to split up into Web and TV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WILD E COYOTE'S TRIAL IF YA WILL - BRING THE AXE DOWN! Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 04:51:55 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Chris Costello (chris@FreeBSD.org) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [regarding a nutty WebTV owner] > > > > Wow, you get more imaginary E-mail than I do. > > I send more imaginary e-mail than you get. What do you think of that? I have more imaginary thoughts about that before breakfast than you have all day! Mental note: Write story about Lewis Caroll in the Royal Army with Oscar Wilde. Also write an imaginary story about them which is even better and have the characters in the real story talk about the imaginary story. Also work Sir Bertrand Russell and Douglas Hofstadter into it as one would expect. > > This was one of the longest posts I've ever read from a WebTV. > > You must have the optional keyboard. > > > > I'd hate to think what your articles would look like if you just > > had the little four-button remote control. > > Here is how web-tv composes news: > > [A] B C D E F G H > > I J K L M N 0 P > > Q R S T U V W X > > Y Z :) :( DEL ENTER POST . > > ? , : = - _ * $ > > And you use the error keys on the remote to navigate the little > square around. The caps lock key is hidden in the vertical space > between two characters at random. Folks, he's not kidding. The onscreen keyboard literally does have all the letters in alphabetical order (at least by default) because the assumption is that WebTV people are too dumb to master "QWERTY" even though the optional real keyboard is "QWERTY". The digits are arranged like on a phone (123 456 789 0) rather than like one a computer (789 456 123 0). Granted, both of these choices are really arbitrary -- studies have shown that people can type just as rapidly on any arbitrarily-shuffled keyboard once they've memorized it -- but it illustrates that the designers of the WebTV assumed that their target audience was unfamiliar with computers and did not need to become familiar with computers. The only two errors of fact in Chris Costello's description are (1) The WebTV does not have ":)" and ":(" keys. WebTV users thus have to say "" to make a smiley, just like CompuServe users did. ("g" stands for "grin" because ":-)" is too hard to figure out.) (2) There is no "caps lock" key. There is a "shift" key at bottom left, and if you click on it twice, it goes "whoosh" and functions as a caps lock. Incidentally, the keys are all labelled in capital letters, which explains why WebTV users can't figure out that there is a purpose to the "shift" key. (Given that it's just a _picture_ of a keyboard on a TV screen, shouldn't they be able to show the letters in the proper cases to reflect the status of the shift key?) Here's the actual layout: continue delete / . : ~ @ ' " ? ! = \ | + - 1 2 3 A B C D E F G H I ; _ ^ [ ] 4 5 6 J K L M N O P Q R return < > 7 8 9 S T U V W X Y Z , % $ & ( ) * 0 # shift space left up down right Notice they tried hard to make it _shaped_ vaguely like a Real Keyboard. There's no reason for that island of eight keys in the middle except that actual computers have useful keys there, and WebTV had to jam in some extra punctuation marks somewhere because they couldn't make you shift to get them because they can't show the keys changing when you press the "shift" key. I wonder if giving WebTV users such easy access to relatively useless keys such as "\" might not be a good idea. (They did leave out a few ASCII characters such as "{" and "}".) Obviously, some GENIUS decided that all the punctuation marks that show up in Web or E-mail addresses should be together at top left ("/", ".", ":", "~", "@") which means that the comma is roughly where it would be on a Real Computer or Real Typewriter, but the period is as far away from it as possible. I suspect this is why you see so many WebTV people only ending sentences with commas,,, In fact, find these characters --> ".", ",", ":", ";", "!", "?" <-- and think about whether they had any reasons in mind for scattering them about at random. What "QWERTY" does for letters, WebTV's "ABCDEFGHI" does for punctuation! There is also a "QWERTY" layout that can be selected, but I doubt many WebTV users know how to set the box's options. (And as to why I know, it's because I'm a super-duper-double-looper genius.) The "QWERTY" layout, however, is still not a real "QWERTY" layout, but at least the letters are in the order anyone would expect them if they've ever seen a typewriter or computer not made by VTech. The other major secret option is that you can choose to have it display everything in big blurry speckled Helvetica, huge blurry speckled Helvetica, or giant blurry speckled Helvetica. (The largest one is the default, and yes, Helvetica is the _only_ font it has. Well, there's also a monospaced font made from Macintosh Monaco, but they pasted the Helvetica "a" into it to make it match.) My favorite touch in the WebTV user interface is that, when dialing the phone, it makes fake modem noises that sound sort of like real modem noises only happier and perkier. > NOTE TO WEBTV USERS: This is not actually the letter board > thingie. Do not attempt to compose messages with it. Horror stories of novice computer bozos encountering on-screen manuals that show a picture of the installer screen captioned "Click the 'Next' button to continue" and then trying to click on the button in the picture are unsurprisingly common. The WebTV probably avoids this problem because it doesn't have a mouse where you can click on whatever you want -- you can only use the arrow keys to highlight individual links. The interface is actually pretty well designed in terms of how the Web browser works; I've never seen a Web browser for a real computer which can be operated that easily from a keyboard. I'd love to listen in on the WebTV Technical Support telephone number for a while. Just think, the WebTV people we see are the smart ones who figure out how to use it. There are others out there who don't get that far, I'm sure. (And the really smart ones, the ones as smart as normal people, figure out that they should post through DejaNews or SuperNews with a Hotmail return address so as not to have their articles say "SENT FROM A WEBTV" all over to make everyone assume they're a boob.) -- K. Dr. Aaron and HoleFamily will correct me if I said something not backed up by factual evidence about the crappiness of WebTV. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ALL QUANTUM THEORY IS WRONG. Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 02:04:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > wxsactly. I do agree. That was an wxsellent point, whatever it was. You're an wxspert! -- K. I bet you've never had swx! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: to Hammond on Who made God? Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 02:09:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Subject: Re: to Hammond on Who made God? > > gods active force is the stuff that space is made of. And gravity is a > dispacment between exspansion rates of energy. > and dont mind jeffmo the blowmo hes a fool. > And smatr thinks Jahova is cathilic. > Whats gods name smart >? Today was easter. Oh my word, "Wild E Cyote" is talking to "Smart1234" in one of George Hammond's threads. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe we are witnessing the first-ever three-way intersection here on the Internet's Kook Super-Collider! -- K. I'll give you three a dollar if you all pose for one Polaroid to prove that you're separate people. I'll give you two dollars if you work Kurt Stocklmeir and Archie in there too. Five dollars if you're each holding a copy of today's newspaper from your home planet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S. Urges Breakup of Microsoft Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 02:42:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From the Associated Press: > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- The government asked a federal court Friday to > break software giant Microsoft into two companies in the largest > trust-busting move since AT&T was carved into seven Baby Bells. > If accepted by a federal judge, the proposal would bar Microsoft > officers and directors, including billionaire co-founder Bill > Gates, from owning stock in more than one of the new companies. > Under the government proposal, Microsoft would be split into > rival companies. One would produce its Windows operating software, > the source of Microsoft's monopoly power, according to a court > filing. The other company would handle other software applications, > such as word processing, spreadsheet and database programs. > Ownership of Microsoft's Web browser, Internet Explorer, would rest > with the applications company. I... see. So, they split up AT&T into seven companies that competed with each other in the same business, but they're splitting Microsoft into two companies, one of which will have a monopoly on operating systems, and the other will have a monopoly on Web browsers. Wouldn't it make more sense to break it up by region, or cut it diagonally, or something? Like, have one company sell Windows 95, another sell Windows 98, and another sell Windows 2000? Then they might actually compete with one another and not have a monopoly. But of course I'm making the mistake of assuming that the object of breaking up Microsoft is to do something logical because the government understands the software industry. > [...] > ``This is like telling McDonald's that it can only sell burgers, > not fries, and that it has to give away the recipe for its secret > sauce,'' said company spokesman Jim Cullinan. ``Except that this doesn't involve burgers, fries, secret sauce, or McDonalds, and everyone knows the formula for secret sauce, and McDonalds has strong competition. A better analogy would be that this is exactly like Hitler invading Poland! Except for all that Nazi stuff.'' I think they should install little beepers in every microphone that would detect when someone was attempting to argue by analogy during a press conference and sound an alarm that said, "WARNING! REASONING BY ANALOGY IS AS STUPID AS RONALD McDONALD INVADING POLAND!" > [...] > The company also would be barred from designing software for the > purpose of interfering with or degrading the operations of rival > products. My rival product is another operating system that also wants to erase the entire hard disk when it's installed. So now Windows will be required to run without placing any files anywhere on the hard disk because that would interfere with the other operating system's intent to have a nice clean hard disk. > [...] > ``This has never been about punishing any individuals,'' Klein said. Damn. I was hoping they'd finally deal with Carl Sagan's nuisance lawsuit! -- K. I think that they should break up the Internet! Think about it... the Internet has a 100% monopoly on Internet stuff! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: U.S. Urges Breakup of Microsoft Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 03:20:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com And more on today's announcement that the Department Of Justice is going to try to split Microsoft to punish it for breaking the law -- here is a quote from Bill Gate's response explaining why the DOJ shouldn't break up Microsoft: "Microsoft would be greatly damaged by this kind of split." Dear Bill, I agree. The government should punish you by giving you more money. I propose that the government break up Microsoft into two companies, one of which is given all of Microsoft's assets, and the other of which would be given all of Red Hat's and Apple's and Netscape's and Sun's assets. And Steve Jobs would have to walk around wearing nothing but a barrel hanging from suspenders! Giving all the other companies in the world to Microsoft would help ensure that there will never be a second monopoly in the computer industry! Also, I was upset to learn that Janet Reno broke into your robotic house and shot your beloved goldfish. The fact that she gave you Play-Doh to calm you down is irrelevant -- your goldfish is irreplacable! Unless you happen to have fifty cents for another one. Maybe you should try converting all your assets into a hundred billion goldfish, and then train 'em to take over Washington D.C. with their power of millions of simultaneous tiny bites. -- K. Incidentally, why didn't the clip of Gates at the Windows Hardware Engineering Conference _dressed as Austin Powers_ earlier this week get played on the news? I wanted to see if his lip trembled when he tried to yell, "Shag me, baby!" But it's probably harder to fake a video clip than it was to make that picture of Gates dressed as Austin Powers that doesn't seem to have shown up on any real news sites. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bob Hope obituary Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 04:59:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (who has a secret E-mail address) wrote: > > Does anyone here work at a newspaper? > > Newspapers do this cool thing where they write a famous person's > obituary years before s/he dies. They're usually stored electronically > on a big old server. > > When I worked at the Republic, I read Mother Theresa's obit two years > before she died. The obit leaves spaces, like "Bob Hope died _________ > from ____. He was ___." > > It's rather like a Mad Lib. > > So if you work at a paper, cough it up. We wanna see it. Shame on you! If you have joined alt.religion.kibology in 1991 like you were supposed to, you would have remembered not one but _two_ cases where the Associated Press (et al) accidentally distributed their canned obituaries. In one of the two cases, members of Congress spoke at length about the passing of Bob Hope until someone explained to them that the fact that the obituary said he died from "XXXXXXXXXXXX" meant that it wasn't a real obituary. And here it is: -> The Net didn't kill Bob Hope -> -> Rebecca Eisenberg -> -> June 14, 1998 -> -> (C) 1998 San Francisco Examiner -> -> -> For all the yammering by TV, magazines and newspapers bemoaning -> the death of the "news" in the Matt-Drudge-rocket-gossip digital -> era, one would think that the "old media" could learn from their -> own advice. Fat chance. -> -> Ten days ago, in a classic clash of traditional and new media -> played out on a national stage, a human error was blamed on -> computers, with aging comedian Bob Hope taking the brunt of abuse -> through a false report of his death. -> -> Clueless congressmen misinterpreted a mistakenly posted Web site, -> only to have the error passed on by the traditional media. Once -> the error could be traced to the Net, old media were quick to -> blame new media, but the Internet's not to blame - people are. -> -> If Congress and the media - both old and new - had thought twice -> about the story (much less bothered to double-check) before -> passing it on, no scapegoat would have been needed. -> -> News specials, not to mention presidential warnings, about the -> perils of speed Net reporting notwithstanding, this error, like -> most others, was caused by old-fashioned human carelessness - -> carelessness that is bound to happen again. It's up to us to get -> wise. -> -> Soon after the Bob Hope story broke, I heard it from my favorite -> Net correspondent, Matt Drudge himself. Surprising as it may seem, -> Drudge's e-mail dispatch got the story right - although he did not -> break the story. This time it was the Net that showed restraint -> and did not resort to gossip. -> -> For those who missed all the fun, here's Bob Hope's death was -> greatly exaggerated on June 5th. During the early afternoon an -> Associated Press editor was working on an ongoing assignment: -> assembling a package of obituary tribute materials for Hope, who -> had recently turned 95. -> -> Although it's a morbid task to write these "prepareds," it is -> standard practice at news outlets, lest competitors beat them to -> the punch when a celebrity dies. -> -> The headline read, "Bob Hope, Tireless Master of the One-Liner, -> Dead at XX." -> -> The body said, "LOS ANGELES (AP) - Bob Hope, the master of the -> one-liner and tireless morale-booster for servicemen from World -> War II to the Gulf War, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx He was xx. (born May -> 29, 1903)." -> -> Usually stories-in-progress like this are viewable only to AP -> staff. But because the editor had made a coding error, this one -> accidentally was posted to AP's Web site - viewable to all. Within -> 20 minutes, an AP staffer noticed the mistake and pulled the -> obituary from view - but not before a staffer for House Majority -> Leader Dick Armey, R-Texas, read it. -> -> Not recognizing the XX's for what they were - placeholders for -> what will someday be the date and place of death - the staffer -> printed the story, XXX's and all, and handed it Armey, who then -> handed it off to Rep. Bob Stump, R-Ariz.. Armey asked Stump, an -> official Hope fan, to deliver the bad news. Stump reluctantly -> agreed. -> -> Apparently neither man found the XXX's confusing. "Mr. Speaker," -> said Stump, "I have the sad responsibility to tell you this -> afternoon that Bob Hope passed away. We will all miss him very -> much." "We are all saddened by his passing," chimed in Rep. David -> Bonior, D-Mich. "We thank him for the memories." -> -> Meanwhile, the C-SPAN cable news network, as usual, was -> broadcasting all proceedings live from the House floor. The -> congressmen's comments were heard by zillions of TV viewers -> worldwide, including someone at Reuters wire service. -> -> Reuters (notably, AP's biggest competitor) then sent the story, -> marked "code red," to its subscribers. -> -> "Lawmaker reports, Entertainer Bob Hope dead," said the Reuters -> headlines flashed to newspapers and other media all over the -> world. ABC News picked up the Reuters tip and broke into its -> regular broadcast to air its own ready-to-go obituary. -> -> That tribute was still running when Hope, who was eating breakfast -> in his Toluca Lake, finally caught wind of the news. Hope's -> daughter, Linda, then did what the journalists themselves had not -> thought to do: She picked up the phone. She told Reuters, "Dad is -> at home, having his breakfast, at this point. He is fine." Back in -> Congress, within hours of the original announcement, lawmakers -> were still eulogizing. -> -> Armey politely interrupted, his tail between his legs: "Earlier -> today I had made an announcement that was erroneous regarding a -> report that Bob Hope had passed away. I want to apologize to Bob -> Hope and his family." Stump called Linda Hope to apologize as -> well. And, along the chain of mistaken media, stories were -> corrected. ABC News's radio tribute was still in progress when it -> again interrupted programming - this time to apologize for the -> error. That's about when I received my e-mailed "Drudge Report" -> triumphantly telling of the chain of traditional media slip-ups, -> but by then it was too late. The Internet was blamed. -> -> "The erroneous report, which prompted spontaneous tributes from -> grief-stricken lawmakers, was spurred by that vast font of -> unsubstantiated rumor and innuendo: The Internet," said a Reuters/ -> Wired News story on June 8. -> -> "Web News Nightmare!" screamed the headline on FoxNews' Web site -> that same day (the story attributed to AP). -> -> The only news outlet that did not so blatantly blame the Net for -> the bad information was AP, the one that had set the chain in -> motion. In a press release sent out the next day, the AP took full -> responsibility for the error, blaming not a technology slip-up but -> plain old human error. AP was right, but it was too generous. -> -> Human error extended far beyond AP. Human error infected Congress, -> too. After all, what kind of person sees an obituary with XX's in -> place of the date and place of death as conclusive evidence of a -> passing without calling the subject of the article? -> -> Human error infected Reuters and ABC as well. What kind of news -> agency values breaking a scoop so much that it interrupts a -> broadcast before making one phone call? -> -> Perhaps most infuriating of all is that Hope's un-death is an old -> story. Long before the Net existed, the media have been making -> mistakes. There was the Chicago Tribune headline that gleefully -> proclaimed Republican candidate Thomas Dewey as the winner of 1948 -> election that returned President Harry Truman to the White House. -> How about Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" radio broadcast that -> led thousands of listeners to panic on Halloween, 1938? -> -> As a new medium, the Net provides a new pipeline to fast -> information, but it also provides a new scapegoat for the mistakes -> caused by our own laziness and desire to believe what we hear. -> Both new and old media have been wrong in the past and will be -> wrong again. Mistakes happen; we can't stop them. It's up to us to -> get wise. Perhaps seasoned Net-users have become more accustomed -> to this reality. On Usenet newsgroups alt.showbiz.gossip, -> alt.celebrities, rec.arts.tv and alt.obituaries (among others), -> the responses to congressional eulogies were far more -> disbelieving. -> -> "I just heard it on the radio-Congress mourns Bob Hope's death," -> said one user. "Yeah? Since when has Congress ever been right -> about anything?" quickly responded another. -> -> There's an old adage about the news, and with the Net it's true -> now more than ever: "Trust NOTHING that you read and only HALF of -> what you see yourself." -> -> That formula works pretty well in both old and new media. We -> should use it more. I recall Bob Hope's official Web site posted contradictions of his death both times this happened in 1998. -- K. 1999 was a bad year for false reports of Bob Hope's death. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who Made God? Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 06:08:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > Harmony of the Gospels confirm, verbatim in the bible... . The red is what > God spoke directly through Jesus Christ. And the blue words are the ones where Jesus made a clickable hyperlink! That Jesus was sure good with HTML. -- K. What font did Jesus use when he wrote the Bible? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who Made God? Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2000 03:56:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Hey stupid.. dont put it wrong > I dint say the world woud end oct 1 > I said Im walking the earth oct 1 and thats the day I will have the dna > . the record of jesus to play you with a hologhraphic life form. > Im telling you jesus left me elijah and you his blood and your sole is > inyour blood.. No wonder my shoes are always damp! > A ridle for you idiots .. > 1 you physicsist know it > 2 the poor has it > 3 the rich nead it > 4 its more powerfull than god > 5 its more eivel then the devel > 6 it you eat it you will die. > what is it ???????????? Beaf? Chiken? Prok? Veel? Orbetz? Cheeze? Psam? Candee shapped liek teh tounge off Jarr Jarr Binx? -- K. Kin eye bee mor eivel then teh devel two, Mistir Coyte? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Sinkhole status report. Date: Sat, 29 Apr 2000 06:22:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The sinkhole in the street in front of my building is still growing, it's now between two and three feet long. When I left for Las Vegas a week ago, they had fixed it by putting a cone next to it (it was an all-white cone.) When I got back, the hole was much bigger, and the cone is gone. Was it cone-napped, or did it just fall into the Earth's core? -- K. I'm hoping the sinkhole will eventually swallow the city's only sinkhole repair crew, thus enabling it to grow unchecked until it destroys the Earth! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God is pure Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2000 01:24:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > I think may be people who do not think the Bible is true can go to Heaven. > God does not care a lot what I think. God sends punishment to me all the > time. I am a dirty thing to God. Have you considered bathing? After a good bath, God would probably like you again. You wouldn't even have to go out of your way to tell him about it because I know that God watches people in the bathroom all the time. > In the Bible God said to the 12 people go out and tell people about me. > God said some thing like do not get upset a lot if people are mean to you > because God will destroy them and it will be worse than what the people of > the 2 cities got. The 2 cities are now under the Dead Sea or around the > Dead Sea "You're wicked, so I'm going to move your city to the same continent as the Dead Sea!" > 11 of the 12 people were killed by people. That tells me people are bad. GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE! PEOPLE IN THE BIBLE KILL PEOPLE! BAN PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE BIBLE! > I want to be fair to God. God will send punishment to me if I am not fair > to God. God has gone to a lot of trouble for people. God wants some thing > for it. God wants his cut of the action, see? Or God'll cut ya! > God said if a dishonest person abuses a person the dishonest person > is also abusing God. If you are a deity and a mortal touches you where your bathing suit covers, tell a parent or teacher to call The Deity Abuse Hotline. > God feels what people feel. The doctor who kills people is now in jail. > God feels what the person feels. Most people look the other way. > God feels that just like a person who needs help and people look the > other way. God is in jail and most people look the other way. Hey, God deserves to be in jail because he created all those drugs! > 1 of them 2000 years ago came to the earth and was killed. Wow! I didn't realize Jesus wrote the whole Bible and was crucified before he was one year old. I guess that explains why he's always wearing that diaper when you see him on a crucifix! > God wants people to know that. God wants people to say thank you. > God wants people to do some thing because of what God did like be good > to people and animals. Hey, Kurt, did you know that every time you say something on the Internet, it uses up HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS, OF DOLLARS worth of electricity -- electricity which is generated by BURNING UP COWS? > If I do some thing nice for a person I probably will want certain things. > Say thank you. Do not do mean things to me. Do not say thank you to a > person who is not there. Can we at least say thank-you to a person who isn't all there? Thank you, Kurt. > [...repetition elided...] > > May be what God wants is fair. I do not know what God will do to people > who think the Bible is not true. I am not God. It is not up to me. I do > not always know how God thinks. I am just a dirty thing. So what you're saying is that you're torn between sleeping with your "Bible-quotin' Linus" and "Dirty dirty Pig Pen" Peanuts dolls tonight. -- K. I hope they ain't inflatable dolls. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God is pure Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:03:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > GOD HELP BOB HOPE > > May God help Bob Hope, I saw his picture on National Enquirer..... . That's it! It's brilliant! We should all wish that Bob Hope _lives_! That's why it didn't work to wish for his death, we have to use reverse psychology on God! EVERYONE, START WISHING THAT BOB HOPE NOTE DIE! Mr. "Smart", you are a "genius"! -- K. It's weird that creating alt.sci.physics.new-theories as a place to draw the mad scientists away from sci.physics actually worked, but took several years to really catch on. It's also weird that "Smart1234" ends every sentence with "..... ." (several periods, a space, and a period), a new form of punctuation with a beat you can dance to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another reason why the CAPalert guy is loony Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2000 07:43:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [regarding a Christian-oriented movie review site] red (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > Subject: Another reason why the CAPalert guy is loony > > http://www.capalert.com/capreports/babygeniuses.htm > > While it has many moral shortcomings, "The movie was a delightful romp > into 'remembery' about raising toddlers and can be an entertainment > treat for adults and older adolescents who have an affinity for toddlers." The guy is indeed a major bozo, but I agree with some of his observations: -> About 99 and 44/100% of "Baby Geniuses" cannot be understood by a toddler. -> If you take your toddler to see it, s/he might fall asleep or do the other -> things toddlers do to express boredom in a movie theater. BUT, your older -> kids won't be bored with it. They may embrace the ethics- and behavior- -> shaping properties of the movie to attempt on their own issues of -> unmerited dangerous control, independence, and autonomy. Remember the -> Bible verse -- [Prov. 22:15] "Foolishness is bound in the heart of a -> child..."?. Well, this movie FEEDS that foolishness. Evidence of this was -> the frenzied see-me-laugh laughing and screeching by the adolescents -> in the audience. It sounded as though they did not really know what it -> was they were laughing at but knew it was supposed to be "funny" in a -> sense of disobedience and naughtiness. But he went on to gripe about all the wrong things, and then there was the aforementioned use of the phrase "delightful romp" at the start of the review. The paragraph above shows that he came close to realizing that the movie could not be enjoyed by any normal human, but then brushed that aside and went off on his usual rant about how the movie is bad because it doesn't teach about the Bible. My review: +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | WARNING: MOVIE CONTAINS NO ENTERTAINMENT FOR ANYONE WHO CAN READ THIS | | | | "Baby Geniuses" is not for small children because they will be bored | | or confused or scared. This movie is not for anyone over the age of | | six because the alleged entertainment consists solely of babies | | yelling "DIAPER GRAVY!", hitting men in the crotch, and jumping into | | vats of used diapers. If you like that, and you are between the ages | | of 5.9 and 6.1, see this movie. If not, find the people who made | | this movie and kill them. This includes Jon Voight. | | | | -- James "Kibo" Parry | | I WARNED YOU! | +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ While I was in the Adventuredome last week (the setting for the end of the movie) I kept looking around to make sure there weren't any heavily-armed toddlers around. But the scariest thing I saw was a sign indicating the way to "FOOD OUTLETS". Eww! Do they have to call the toilets _that_? (At least they didn't say "DIAPER GRAVY".) Also, I went on an Imax ride that will make Matt McIrvin barf from envy when he hears about it. -- K. Although, I kept worrying that halfway through it would be replaced by candlepin bowling. (But it would have been an improvement if that had happened during "Baby Geniuses". Candlepin bowling is a hundred times funnier than that movie.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another reason why the CAPalert guy is loony Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:03:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (of a secret E-mail address) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "Baby Geniuses"] > > > > Candlepin bowling is a hundred times funnier than that movie. > > Candlepin bowling! YAAAAAAAAY!!!!! Something I haven't seen since junior > high, when I lived in Assachusetts. My HickTown had a place called > "Crowell Bowl," and their balls were smooth and small and brown, like.... > > SKEE-BALL!!! > > What were YOU thinking? The difference is that with Skee-Ball, the ball _has_ to go in somewhere even if you're such a shlub that you can't get it in the three-foot wide outer ring, because the area south of the outer ring either returns the ball to you or counts as a pittance. With candlepin bowling, you can get the ball to go right through the middle of the cluster of pins without coming within an inch of any of them, in much the way you can compute the value of pi by dropping a two-inch-long toothpick on a floor with fifty-foot-long boards a million times and counting the number of times it covers the entire board and then adding 3.14159. Basically, candlepin bowling sucks because it's nearly impossible to get a strike, and because everyone is equally bad at it, and because the equipment is more expensive than regular bowling (you have to buy a box of _four_ balls even though you're only allowed to use _three_ unless you wear one down to a nub, in which case the other two would be worn out too and you'd still have to buy another box) and it's just plain not fun because it's like bowling except for the satisfying KA-POW of the huge sixteen-pound cannonball smashing into the giant human-shaped pins that were used as war clubs in the olden days, instead you get a sissy little tangerine-like jawbreaker gently tapping a paper-towel core standing on end. Also it doesn't require you to have fingers, because they don't bother drilling finger holes in the balls, which are so small that magicians like to palm them and then pull them out of your ear. Whereas, if someone pulled a _real_ bowling ball out of my ear, I'd either be very impressed or in great pain. The midway games alt.religion.kibology would like better than Skee-Ball are: (these are all actual ones I've seen in kids' arcades in the past week) (1) "Whack-An-Alien". It's like Whack-A-Mole except there's this astronaut in a super-cool red and white spacesuit (with stubby arms and legs) lying down and you get to pound on these dozen glowing rubber guys who pop out of his chest, and they randomly turn from green to red and the sign says "DON'T HIT RED ALIENS!" but the little kids do anyway because they don't know which kinds of chest-burster are your friend. (2) A game whose name I don't know, which involves perfectly spherical bees (Ping-Pong balls with yellow and black stripes) blowing around and you have to catch them with a honey dipper and drop them into a honey pot to win points. I forgot to memorize the name of this game when I played it at an imitation of Coney Island, so I just call it "The Spherical Bee Game." (3) "Disco Fever", which is one of those where you put the quarter in and it bounces off some posts and then lands in this huge pile of quarters that the pathetic little rake isn't pushing into the payout slot (which would magically turn the quarters into valueless tickets) except that the obstacle the quarter bounces off at the start consists of this big silver ball moving back and forth across John Travolta's crotch. -- K. At my midway, I'd have a game where you whack the thing and a weight goes flying up this twenty-foot tall post to ring a bell, and it would be calibrated from "50" to "150", and the sign would say "TEST YOUR IQ! HIT THIS WITH YOUR FOREHEAD!" Also, there would be a roller coaster which would travel along a Mšbius strip, and it would be shaped like an arrow and be really noisy, but it would jam up for four minutes every five minutes. Plus it would have a sign saying "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: On my TV, Bill Clinton is... FREAKIN' ME OUT!!! Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2000 07:46:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com BILL CLINTON IS ON MY TV BUYING A SMOKED HAM FROM EBAY! I MEAN THE REAL BILL CLINTON! THE ONE WHO'S PRESIDENT RIGHT NOW! I swear, this was the best 24-hour flu I've ever had. Yesterday I could have sworn I saw a photo of Bill Gates dressed as Austin Powers at a Windows trade show, and today I swear I saw Bill Clinton buying a smoked ham via eBay. But now that the virus is wearing off, these hallucinations better stop! IF STUFF LIKE THIS REALLY HAPPENED IT WOULD BLOW MY MIND! -- K. Hey, CNN Headline News is repeating my hallucination every thirty minutes! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World War Three begins ... Date: Sun, 30 Apr 2000 09:10:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In misc.activism.militia and various other newsgroups, Nancy Luft (NancyLuft@webtv.net) wrote: > > A copy of my email: > > Message From: NancyLuft@webtv.net (NancyÊLuft) > > Date: Sun, Apr 23, 2000, 12:37pm > > To: chnun@undp.org, jcarollo@ci.miami.fl.us, cuba@un.int, web@usdoj.gov, > little.rock@fbi.gov, charlotte@fbi.gov, Media.chicago@fbi.gov, > CINCINNATI@FBI.GOV, houston@fbi.gov, knoxville@fbi.gov, > little.rock@fbi.gov, los.angeles@fbi.gov, new.orleans@fbi.gov, > newyork@fbi.gov, Philadelphia@fbi.gov, phoenix@fbi.gov, > raleigh.charlotte@fbi.gov, richmond@fbi.gov, su@fbi.gov, > seattle@fbi.gov, tampa@fbi.gov, albuquerque@fbi.gov, > First.Lady@whitehouse.gov, Gephardt@mail.house.gov, > wisgov@gov.state.wi.us, governor.jesseventura@mail.state.mn.us, > mayor@ci.mil.wi.us, mayor@dcgov.org, mayor@metro-dade.com, > Mrs.Gore@whitehouse.gov, lmpaul@nytimes.com, carletk@nytimes.com, > andergb@nytimes.com, rickf@nytimes.com, Freedom-For-All@webtv.net, > We_The_People_@webtv.net, president@whitehouse.gov, president@gov.ru, > politic@dol.ru, info@kprf.ru, secretary@state.gov, > Vice.President@whitehouse.gov, webnews@washpost.com Cc: > > NancyLuft@webtv.net Subject: WWIII begins! That's a first. Jess Ventura getting mail FROM a wacko. > President Clinton, > > IMMEDIATELY put Elian Gonzales, his father, his step mother, and baby > half brother on Air Force One and fly them to Havana and APOLOGIZE to > Castro! > The Special Sputnik Forces of the Russian Military are still sending me > ESP, thoughts, saying that they will soon nuke in an utterly one sided > nuclear war wipe out the USA. They are mentioning nuking NYC, DC, and > Miami! "Kurses! It is a fatal flaw in our plan for vorld domination! Ve should not have beamed all of our sekret plans into head of Carol Pali--excuse me--Nancy Luft!" > The Russians have video taped and audio taped all our radio and TV since > WWII, Even NBC's "seaQuest DSV"? > plus have endless copies of our magazine and newspapers. I bet they even have endless copies of "Mad" magazine. (They're called "Cracked", "Crazy", and "Sick".) > Warehouses of PROOF that the USA is corrupt at all hell. The Russian > military is telling me that they are going to nuke the USA because the > USA is corrupt. Hell, I can not argue with that fact of life, as I have > not yet met one honest, brave American which Rockefellers' RIGHT WING > Rich Man's Mafia does not control! If I speak to anyone more then once > or twice they intimidate them with threats to control them. So, let's see, you're telling everyone on the Internet this over and over. > [...blather about "the Rockefellers' Mafia" elided...] > > The Special Sputnik Forces of the Russian Military used their sputnik > lasers to send the predictions to Nostradamus, Edgar Cayce, etc., that > WORLD WAR THREE commences, begins, in the year 2000AD. Whew! It's a good thing you said "AD", otherwise I might panic when I thought the war had ALREADY STARTED AND I MISSED IT! > [...blather about the evils of background checks for gun buyers...] > > Clinton, do not make a bad situation any worst, IMMEDIATELY fly Elian > Gonzales, his father, his step mother, and his baby brother back to Cuba > and APOLOGIZE to Castro. And put him back on that baseball team! And make people stop laughing at the fact that he's worn the same clothes every day for forty years! > Then have an emergency closed joint session of Congress and lift the > economical sanctions against Cuba, etc., and address these complaints > from the Russians about these TREASONOUS ACTS! > > STOP the TREASON or the Russians will soon nuke to hell New York City, > Washington DC and Miami! > > PLEASE get your ass IMMEDIATELY into high gear, Clinton, as The Special > Sputnik Forces of the Russian Military keep sounding dead serious about > nuking the USA because of massive, widespread corruption, etc.! I don't care how many TV campaign ads I see, I am not voting for Nancy Luft for "Person Who Bosses The President Around" again this year. > It is now the year in which psychics predicted WORLD WAR THREE commences > .. and the Russians sent those psychics their predictions, plus the > Russians use their sputnik lasers to detonate all nuclear bombs! Maybe we should just wrap all our bombs in aluminum foil. Or put them under Carol Paliwoda's metal coffee table. (Especially if the rays are unaffected by metal.) > Since World War Two when Rockefellers' RIGHT WING Rich Man's Mafia took > total and complete criminal control of the USA, the US Constitution has > been overthrown so many times, so very many different ways, that has > reached beyond the point of being insanely outrageous! > > Three INCOMING TOPOL NUKES for NYC, DC, and Miami: > > ------<<<<<(((((0)))))>>>>>------ > ------<<<<<(((((0)))))>>>>>------ > ------<<<<<(((((0)))))>>>>>------ > > > -----<<<<<(((((0)))))>>>>>----- What's the fourth one? Also, why have nuclear explosions become sideways vaginas? > NOTE: > > Washington DC is trying to copy Russian sputniks with gamma ray, x ray, > lasers that already exist. This will soon cause the Russians to nuke > the USA and annihilate the USA in an utterly one sided nuclear war, > because all nukes only work if they are zapped by those sputnik lasers > to make them work! I must have missed an issue of "Reader's Digest"... > [...more blather about the Rockefeller family and Eli‡n Gonz‡lez...] > > There are TRAITORS who do not like me posting this information and they > will post things to try and discredit me ... PLEASE ignore them and read > my revised (14 Apr. 2000) web pages COMPLETELY and decide for yourself! > > Thank you greatly, > > Nancy Ann Luft > 1515A S. 10th Street > Milwaukee, WI 53204 > (414) 645-2390 > NancyLuft@webtv.net > > http://community.webtv.net/NancyLuft/Nancy You know, instead of typing all those lines in your .signature, you could distill it down to one line containing all the information we need: "I have a WebTV." > FREEDOM FIGHTERS: Spreading the TRUTH to everyone is the very first step > in the fight to free us! I'm not comfortable with the idea of being totally free. Can I just be "Buy one, get the second one for a penny"? -- K. I don't have a WebTV. BUT I DO HAVE A SPUTNIK! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Serious poll about Wild-E-CyotePHD Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:21:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > we do that george... lets take one up. > I cant wait to see all of you doge my first point all overagan. Doge? I know Archie Plutonium has proclaimed himself The King Of Science And Logic, but who is The Doge Of Science? Does he at least have a palace with an annoying pink-and-beige diamond pattern like the one in Venice that the crazy billionaire faithfully recreated for The Venetian casino in Las Vegas? > WHY DOSE GUNPOWDER react faster on earth then in space. Or any > reaction.=BF Resublimated thiotimoline reacts _slower_ on earth than in space! EXPLAIN THAT, BUCKO! > Another you all ran from.. and this is also a fact. > The revoling plate of steel and sound exsperement. None of you faced > the fact. Why would we want to face a revolting plate of excrement? STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME EAT AT DENNY'S AGAINST MY WILL! > we got to the point where all of a suden you cant read or understand any > facts ,,,so you think beeing funny counts in physics ,,wile you denie > god. IM NOT HERE TO GIGLE AT MORONS I agree, YOU'RE not the one who's here to do that. > I dont care if you can spell . You can teach a munkey to spell. > FIRE THE MUTHERFUCKERS YEAH! FIRE THE MUNKEYS WHO CAN SPELL! -- K. MAKE THEM USE DOEDORANT SO THEY WILL STOP SPELLING!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOD - Smart shows again God exists with the parting of Red Sea... Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:33:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > a fact ... 27000 years ago god told moses > that the earth would be distroied when the sun exsplodes. > 2000 years ago jesus said your soul was in your blood. les than 100 > years ago dna was dicoverd. I alone can ( by gods word ) pruve > law was given through Moses. > Your forgivness through Jesus Crist. > The tuth in physics through Elijah. < -- me > These are the last days I say. You selibrated > the melentiem 2000 ... but it was a lie. "melentiem"? Mr. Cyote, if you keep talking like this, people are going to stop making fun of Archimedes Plutonium. > The meleniem begin wen I touch the earth. Oh, so when you touched the earth, the melentiem ended and the melenium began. > With jesus by my side ... armed by god. > Educated by this room. I Elijah can tell you what no other can . But > when I do .. you just ignore the facts. This world has intrusted you to > be a physicsist . To show us the truth. You say there is no god. Piss on > you, dont juge me. I will not be juged by a fool teling me Im stupid. I > dont run from facts..nor your idioligy of reality. > Act like children I will treat you like children. Okay. Give us candy NOW! > There is no point arguing with fools. > So you think your smart but cant master the most simple questions. Is > there a god. > My eyes are open are yours. > Next time you chalenge my intelect .. bring yours. I am alive and will > live forever. > Every atom of iron I have recorded all I know on makes me my own > witness.... provides a path to eturnity. And when the sun exsplodes I > will see yuo in heaven befor the real guge. You're going to be gunged in Heaven? You _do_ understand that there is a difference between the Bible and "Beat The Clock", don't you? > Even if wiked men have changed the bible to hold the truth from > you..its still true. Life is not by chance and the active foce of god > sustains you . Im not impressed or intimadated by fools > with dictionaries. NO SIHT!!!! > Im not scraching my head mad at god. DEAR GOD, YOU MAKE ME SO MAD I AM GOING TO SCRATCH MY HEAD AT YOU! HA HA, LOOK AT MY DANDRUFF, GOD! > Im not retarded. Do you have that written on your T-shirt? > Im not a lier. > Im not perfect .. that dont mean you a lier can guge me. Why the fascination with gunge all of a sudden? Did you wander in from alt.sci.physics.super-sloppy.double-dare? -- K. "Your theory, whatever it is, will be proven true if you just go down this slide into this vat of chocolate pudding mixed with Crazy Glue..." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOD - Smart shows again God exists with the parting of Red Sea... Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:57:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Nazgul" (nazgulk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > > > a fact ... 27000 years ago god told moses > > that the earth would be distroied when the sun exsplodes. > > Did you just roll 3 dice and multiply by a thousand to get this number? Oh no! If true, this means that Mr. "Cyote" is using dice with at least nine sides! And that means he's one of those Dungeons & Dragons fans who went insane during the early 1980s! Maybe he was the inspiration for Tom Hanks's character in the movie of "Rona Jaffee's Mazes & Monsters"! Wow. Suddenly that movie seems _stupid_. > > [...] > > > > These are the last days I say. You selibrated > > the melentiem 2000 ... but it was a lie. > > True, the millenium changes in 2001. Lying politicians! Conspiracy! > > > The meleniem begin wen I touch the earth. > > ... but not when you touch a keyboard or WebTV remote apparently. I would really like to see how Mr. Cyote uses his WebTV keyboard and/or remote control. Remember those old American Tourister ads with the gorilla flinging the suitcase around his cage? I figure it's like that only with a keyboard bouncing off the walls. Also he's wearing Acme brand jet-powered roller skates. Except he got a cheap knockoff where "Acme" was misspelled so they don't even work that well! > > [...] > > > > provides a path to eturnity. And when the sun exsplodes I > > will see yuo in heaven befor the real guge. > > As opposed to the fake guge. Or Mike Guge, creator of Geavis & Gutt-head! -- K. I will pay five dollars to the first person who writes a "Beavis & Butt-head" fanfic story which ends with Butt-head explaining why Wild E.'s science theory, whatever it is, is stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WILD-E-Cyote Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:45:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mad scientist season continues on alt.sci.physics.new-theories with this beautiful collision between Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) and another wacko: > > Subject: WILD-E-Cyote > > I got email from a person who said they were Wild Eye. I think I know what > would happen if I tried to talk to him using email. > > I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to help people. > > Wild Eye said you e me. I did not send email to him. I guess that means I > wrote an article about him. He said if you e me again I know where you > live, I will be at your door I am coming to get you. He said a small > number of other things. > > Wild Eye needs to know some things. It is a crime to send that kind of > email. 1 year in prison for a threat. 5 years in prison for a death > threat. Or in his case, a deth thret. > I am kind of nice and I would not try to get him in trouble for > what he did. But if he keeps sending that kind of email to people he will > probably end up in a federal prison. Some people are not as nice as I am. > Also people can get him off the internet for that kind of thing. (CUE PEE-WEE HERMAN JOKE #267B) > I guess if I sent a copy of his email to his internet company they > would not let him use their company. I am a third party in this, so I will not give you any help in figuring out which company wild-e-cyotephd@WEBTV.net buys his access from. > I try to be fair to people. But I think Wild Eye is mentally ill. I did > not insult Wild Eye. I just like the fact that you've misspelled the name of someone who can't even spell his _own_ name correctly. This is like a game of "telephone" only not as intellectually stimulating. I expect that in a week someone will be talking about "Wild Blue Razzberry Eyeball Q. Toyote". > I understand why Wild Eye is mad. If I talked to people around me like > some people talk on these physics groups nice people always would hit me. > If I always said dirty things to a nice girl she probably would hit me. Hey, you're a scientist -- do the experiment! > Wild Eye has a not normal name. A wild eye animal could be dangerous. > That does not mean he is dangerous. May be he would like to think he is > dangerous. > > I do not think he is dangerous to me. But may be in about 1 year he will > get a gun go out to a street and kill some people. I think he keeps saying > things like God is coming. It will be soon. He gives days and times. May > be he says there will be punishment. Some times he says he is coming. You > can see him. > > May be he is trying to tell people that he is going to kill some people. I am a third party in this dispute, so I will refrain from suggesting any names, such as "Bob Hope". > I think to an extreme he needs to go to a doctor. Get some drugs and do > not stop taking them. > > People need to be nice to him. Tell him to go to a doctor. Try to explain > to him how he is acting and what is wrong with his thinking when he writes > an article. Do not make fun of him. > > GO TO A DOCTOR. GET DRUGS. DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM. YOU ARE MENTALL ILL. > YOU ARE PROBABLY DANGEROUS. > > GO TO A DOCTOR. GET DRUGS. DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM. YOU ARE > MENTALLY ILL. YOU ARE PROBABLY DANGEROUS. > > GO TO A DOCTOR. GET DRUGS. DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM. YOU ARE > MENTALLY ILL. YOU ARE PROBABLY DANGEROUS. Dangerousness is more entertaining than repetitiousness. -- K. If I've said that once, I've said it a thousand times. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibology ?! Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:06:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Quinn Inuit (quinn_inuit@POINGyahoo.com) wrote: > > kawdyr@mailbox.bellatlantic.net wrote: > > > > Very cool, but that doesn't precisely answer the question > > Exactly. Now you're catching on. I caught onto A.R.K. through the > Geek Code myself (which I found through a cartoon which I found > through Sluggy Freelance, but that's another story for another time), > and it's a cool place. There's only one good answer to your question, > and that's not to ask it. If you want to know what a newsgroup is, > read the posts. What's a post? -- K. What's a .signature? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Made-up diseases. Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:15:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [regarding AIDS] Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > But, at it stands, whenever I take a blood test, and they give me that > > > questionnaire, I'm like "guys, do not even bother. I'm so clean, I > > > don't have to wash my hands after I use the bathroom." > > > > Yeah, but you still *do*, don't you? > > That's a stupid question. Of course I do. > > And not just my hands. I've found that when you live alone and have > lots of time, the shower can be a splendid replacement for toilet paper. EWWWW! I think you should stop having your blood tested for the AIDS you know you don't have, and instead, run right out and get yourself tested for whatever disease makes you turn into Archimedes Plutonium. The Seven Warning Signs Of Turning Into Archimedes Plutonium: 1. Weird bathroom habits. 2. Telling the entire Internet about your weird bathroom habits. 3. Microwaving raw spaghetti in paper cups. 4. Wanting to see professional wrestlers opening buckets of maple syrup. 5. Declaring yourself to be the King of any hard science. 6. Writing "movies" which consist entirely of religious hymns with all the nouns changed to "the nucleus of Plutonium". 7. Believing your head is powered by the single atom inside it. Nick, as a friend, I _implore_ you, have your head examined to make sure that it doesn't have an atom inside it. -- K. I think you may have caught Plutoniumitis from Matt McIrvin, who is a carrier. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Giant Pink Easter bunnies Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:24:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Susan Parry Whelchel (peri@sprynet.com) wrote: > > In Parma Ohio, where I work, the local meat store has > a two-and-a-half-story tall pink inflatable Easter bunny on its > roof. This is quite eye-catching, given that all of the stores are one or > two stories high. On the bunny's stomach is a sign advertising > kielbasa. > It's too bad there weren't any little kids around at the > time -- I was all set to tell them that after Easter this > is what happens to the bunny -- he gets made into sausage. (But, Mom, the > lady at the library told me it was true!!) The good part (the pink ears) gets made into Nathan's hot dogs, and the remaining 90% gets made into those seventy-five cent three-quarter-pound hot dogs they serve in casinos. > -Susan > who decided for some reason > that she didn't want sausage > for dinner until she finds > out exactly what's in it. But if you _could_ tell what was in it, then it wouldn't be sausage of any sort! Today at the supermarket I saw some salami which contained "turkey, turkey hearts, beef hearts, beef." Wow, FOUR completely different kinds of meat! Only THREE of which don't belong in sausage! Also, at the Chinese supermarket next to the normal supermarket, they had three completely different things marked "beef tendon". Two of them were grosser than actual beef tendons. -- K. The Chinese market is also the place to get things which look like sausage but aren't, such as "beef pizzel". This is not to be confused with "beef pizzelle" which I would probably enjoy -- they have some beef cookies there which taste great with or without onion dip. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Startling Realization Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:28:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > All my childhood friends were weirdos. I'm jealous, you... you... FRIEND-HAVER! But at least my imaginary friends were all weirdos. -- K. And then there were the voices in my head that spoiled the endings of movies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Skank Ho Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 08:13:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Fire Engines All Day Long" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > This is a post containing unfunny musings about para-musical objects and > situations in my life. It's not funny. You have been warned. We'll make it funny! (It's a lot easier to make an unfunny article funny than it is to make a funny article funny.) > Yesterday my sister mailed out a check for $440 for a Korg Mono/Poly > synthesizer I won on eBay. I swear on a stack of graves of all the people in the Bible that when I read that, my brain parsed it as "a Kong Porno Monopoly synthesizer". That would be like Phil Dick's idea of the "Penfield Mood Organ" only with more emphasis on "organ". > My parents don't know about it, but are certain to go apop when they > hear news of it, Cool! I wish more Internet service providers would go APOP, because I don't like sending my password over the network unencrypted. WHOOSH! I JUST SNUCK A NERD JOKE INTO YOUR POST ABOUT KORG SYNTHESIZERS! > -- and my sister and I are determined to keep it a secret as close > to the time of the package's arrival as possible. One thing you have > to understand is that my parents spent an entire evening dissuading > me from buying a $290 Juno 60, evidently believing it ludicrous that > I should bring another keyboard into the house, be it pre-MIDI or not. I was going to say something about your parents forcing you to use a WebTV, but that would have been unnecessarily cruel. I will save all my cruelty for people who actually do have WebTVs. > My argument was that the Juno 60 was a synthesizer in the classic sense > of the word, ...and not one of those new "Star Trek" synthesizers that dispenses chicken sandwiches and tea (Earl Grey, hot)! > and thus totally unlike anything I presently have. In the end, > I was pacified with the vague promise of the Korg MS2000R, a > then-unreleased rackmount synth with real-time control to sate me, > and no superfluous keyboard to leave me with that much less room > in which to swing my arms. "You've got to see this new band! When they play... they really swing their arms!" > Well, the MS2000R is out, and there's still no way in the forseeable > future that I'll have the money to afford it. So where am I getting > the money for the Mono/Poly, you may ask? It's a loan, from my sister, > to whom I am currently $280 in debt as it is. My mother thinks it > unfathomably insane that I should spend as much money as I do on > musical equipment, Oh, you could make your own musical instrument from a paper-towel tube, some rubber bands, and a cat! Then you can progress from being The Band That Swings Their Arms to being The Band That Can Swing A Cat! > and has made little secret of the fact that she doubts that my musical > talents justify the expense. Tell her that the LESS talent you have, the MORE you need good equipment! > The shit'll hit the fan when she hears of the TG55, which shouldn't be > long before the Mono/Poly arrives. You see, I have $280 in savings with > my parents,-- $100 of which is being spent on a Yamaha TX81z module I > won off eBay, and $150 of which will be spent on a Casio VZ10m I won > on Auctionsoup.com,-- a transaction I'm trying to delay as long as possible. > That's where the TG55 fouls everything up. You see, the TG55 was evidently > won off eBay for $175, but the creepy thing is... I don't remember > bidding for it. Seriously, it seems like something I *would* bid on, > I just really honestly seriously don't remember bidding on it. It's the new artificially-intelligent online-auction site that figures out what you want to purchase and sells it to you without you having to make any annoying decision about whether or not you want to buy it! > Maybe I'm a compulsive spender, maybe it's a disease and I can't be > held responsible for my actions. Still, the TG55 will be a faith-buster, > it might take years before I'm able to bask in my parents' good graces > again. But the really distressing thing is that my wants don't end > with the Mono/Poly;-- sure, the Mono/Poly is all the synthesizer > I'll ever need, but beyond that I still want a DeltaLab Acousticomputer > (~$150) and a CD burner (~$500), and that's just off the top of my head. You're going to burn CDs directly from your occipital lobes? Cool! (I have a soft spot for jokes about occipital lobes.) > So I'm thinking if I could get my parents more interested in my projects, > or at least more aware of the fruits of my projects, I might be able to > contain the fallout of the TG55 fiasco. I had a brief tutorial session > with my father about the capabilities of the sampler which I believe to > have been genuinely informative,-- previous to that, he called it a >"scrambler", and I could imagine why he thought the sampler was an > extravagance, as nothing called a "scrambler", no matter what it *could* > do, could *possibly* be worth what we paid for it. I could see spending a few hundred bucks on a scrambler if it made really good omelets and put them directly into my mouth. > So getting the folks involved would certainly smooth over the hurdles > to come. Maybe, as a lad and dad project, the old man and I could > assemble that pAiA compressor kit. "Another thing that makes noise?" > my mother would certainly counter, in response to which I would I > would direct her to the promotional literature;-- pAiA doesn't market > these things towards musicians, but rather for home theatre enthusiasts, > something about being able to watch nudie movies on Cinemax late at night > without having the orgasmic yelps waking up the kids. Jes' a lad and dad > project, is all. Unless this convinces him that your equipment is the type that makes all the incidental music in soft-core porn films. "Whoops! I accidentally had this set to 'gay'!" > So what does this have to do with music, you may ask? You never asked to > be subjected to my unspeakably mundane barrage of alphanumerics, and, > besides which, everybody knows that all that expensive synthesizer shit > isn't for *real* musicians anyway. Well, you wouldn't be saying that if I > wielded a big phallic axe like Chris Jackson. Korg wielded a big phallic axe. I've always wondered why the synthesizers were named after that Saturday morning kids' show about the caveman. > Chris Jackson, and I wish him the best, has always been on the periphery > of my very sparse circle, mainly as the guy a degree of separation away > from one Neb Rogers. He does lead guitar and vocals for a local band > called Lookwell,-- a band which I've been trying to weasel myself into > in the capacity of a keyboardist, to no avail. Anyway, Chris Jackson > invited me to his birthday party in February, held at a Tate Street > haunt called College Hill Sundries. My sister dropped me off, and I > hung around until I just disappeared into the tilework. Seriously, I > never fit into these gatherings, and quietly withdrew. Quite unexpectedly, > I was approached by a woman. She said her name was Renee, and that she > knew me from high school. Supposedly, I was a Junior or Senior when she > was a Freshman or Sophomore, and we skipped class one day and hung out > at the bleachers... which sounds like something I *would* do, but I just > honestly don't remember it happening,-- just one of those embarassing > lapses of memory. New improved eBay not only makes your purchases for you without bothering you first, but it now also pick up chicks for you! "Hello, this is eBay calling to inform you that you lost your virginity last night. And you enjoyed it very much." "Wow, thanks!" "In fact, you enjoyed it very, VERY much -- whoops! Sorry, we had this set to 'gay'." > She said I said something about liking Skinny Puppy, and that she said > something about how she was aware of them, but, as I later learned, she's > not particularly fond of them anyway. We resumed our conversation at > the bar, where she bought me a root beer. She explained that she's in > a group called Ash Ray Facts with fellow Western Guilford classmate > Alex Chutney. I know his sister Mango. (Cut to Alex saying, "How clever, that's the first time I've heard that... TODAY!" and then Bob Eubanks says, "And let's see what Kibo predicted you'd say..." and I hold up a big card saying "That's the first time I've heard that... TODAY!" and we win hundreds of dollars and a blender.) > She described their music and I expressed an interest in perhaps > collaborating with them. It was around this time that my sister > returned and Neb Rogers made his appearance. We exchanged email > addresses and I directed her to my web page. You know, given that people sometimes trade fake phone numbers during pickup conversations that go horribly wrong, I wonder if there are any women these days who give creepy guys fake Web page addresses. I think I should set up one that everyone can use, as a public service. (Unlike phone numbers, where you can just give out Disneyland's number without them recognizing it [hopefully], you can't say 'www.disney.com' without looking like a complete moron. Thus, I should call my important service something like 'www.this-is-my-real-address-just-for-me.com'.) > Now one thing you must understand about me, gentle reader, is that I > don't get out of the house much, thus making the coincidence to follow all > the more freaky. The *very next time* I leave the house is to go to my > therapist, after which I have my father drop me off at the Music Loft to > deposit my application for employment. I go down to the music technology > section, loiter, go up to the main desk, hand in my application, go back > downstairs, just begin loitering some more when I hear a voice saying > "You're Robert Caponi." I look up and see a man with tight curly black > hair standing there. My name is Alex," he said, to which I immediately > rejoined with "...Chutney!?!" Indeed it was him. He explained that he was > there when Renee visited my website, and I'm guessing that's where he > recognized me from, as he was unfamiliar, and I look nothing like I looked > when I was in high school. Anyway, we talked about our respective musical > equipment. He said they had a Juno 60 at their studio, and I expressed an > interest in noodling with said instrument. He said he was into making > "fucked up" noises, "whoops, I had it set to 'gay'!" Sorry. I'll try to stop saying that. > and I expressed an interest in same. The conversation was rife with > awkward pauses, and, in the end, I kind of just unceremoniously broke > it off. In the weeks to follow, I started an email correspondance with > Renee. She invited me to a Jello Biafra oratory at Guilford College, > but never gave me a time and a place to meet her, so that fell through. You know, if Jello Biafra had been born a few decades later, she might have been named Orbitz Biafra, Mentos Biafra, WebTV Biafra, or even Space: 1999 Biafra. > Her apartment is well within walking distance of my house, and within > spitting distance of an old abandoned fish hatchery, which I promised > to show her, but we never got around to that. I'm still interested in > perhaps collaborating with Alex, but we never got around to > meeting again. Still in all, within the space of a few days, I met two > people who promise to figure prominently in my future. I feel like I'm > living in a Hermann Hesse novel. This apprehension reached a point of > self-parody when, the day before yesterday, I met a jazz bassist as I was > walking past the buildings of Guilford College to walk in the woods. He > was practicing scales in a grassy area next to a parking lot as I > approached him. I introduced myself and he introduced himself, although, > for the life of me, I can't remember what his name was. He extends his > hand for a handshake... *panic*. Let's see, this occurance is not entirely > without precedent, as the drunken, grieving man I met on Dobson offered > his hand in friendship, and I accepted his offer. Oh, what the hell, I > thought, as I lept over the drainage ditch to meet the bassist, I can > always wash my hand later. I ask if he was with the Eastern Music > Festival; he explains that he was, at one point, with the EMF, but not > this year, and besides which, the EMF is a month and a half away. Now _there's_ a cool idea for a band. One guy swings a cat, the other guy (inside a Faraday cage) operates a huge instrument that produces EMF. And the best part is that nobody would be able to bootleg it with a smuggled-in tape recorder, because all electronics within ten miles would explode simultaneously during your finale. > I tell him that I recently wrote a string quartet, and ask him if he has any > string quartet buddies who would be interested in performing the piece. He > asks me if its written in a particular style, and I explain it's written > in the style of Anton Webern. He doesn't seem familiar with Webern, so I > explain that it's written in an atonal idiom, whereupon he launches into > an ad-hoc parody of atonal music, replete with enormous open intervals. I > explain that my piece, quite unlike what was customary for Webern, uses > alot of semitones and whole tones, but, had Webern chosen to write a piece > that makes extensive use of such intervals, it might end up sounding like > my piece. I dictate to him one of my favorite jazz scales- F Ab Bb B D# > E-, which he then plays, and explain that I'm exploiting its combinatorial > properties for my follow-up the-first-was-not-a-fluke piece. He identifies > the scale as a blues scale without the fifth and with a passing tone. > Later on, I hear him playing the same scale in its inversion, and identify > it as such, but he seems nonplussed. You know the commercial where the guy looks puzzled because the other guys says, "Your Web site's going to be set up like an MMDS gigabyte with a rotating geostationary satellite, and a key feature of the site will be binary riddles that users love!"? For the first time in my life, I feel like that commercial wants me to feel. Please explain everything you just said. (Keep in mind that I don't listen to music and in fact have never heard any popular music, ever.) Thank you. > I tell him that I sometimes improvise on the piano, and ask him if he'd > be interested in collaborating, whereupon he informs me that he's > graduating from Guilford College this spring and promptly moving back > to California, adding "I'm afraid it's not in the stars." For fear I > was taking too much of his time, or engaging him in conversation > longer than he wanted to be engaged, I excused myself and said I > must resume my walk through Guilford College woods. And resume my > walk I did, stopping only to wash my right hand in the creek. What is it with creative types like you and Mike Jittlov being afraid to shake hands? You'll never get into the Masons that way! And it's the Masons who control the entertainment industry! > I spooked Luke Rossi. Seriously, if I had to identify my one superpower > that sets me above other men, it would have to be my extensive knowledge > of obscure teen idols. So when I was punching in random names in ICQ's > name search thingy, I decided on a whim to enter in the first name "Luke" > and last name "Rossi." Sure enough, the names matched up with a Luke > Rossi, ICQ handle "Hulkster." The next day. Hulkster was online, and I > dropped him a line, asking him if he was indeed the Luke Rossi of _I Love > You To Death_ fame (he's in it for about fifteen seconds, exchanging like > two lines with an inconsolable Tracy Ullman.) Luke's response was "ya, > ok." We exchanged a few more instant messages, until he finally asked me > "do I know you?" Ever wary of coming across as a creepy stalker, I > protested too much, telling him "I have never met you, I have no intention > of ever meeting you," leaving it well enough alone to say "I am aware of > your work." Luke's response was something to the effect that he was busy > and had other matters to attend to, and I might believe him, just as I > might believe that there's absolutely nothing vaguely creepy about a 23 > year old man collecting pictures of Aaron Carter. The Australian guy from "Space: 1999"? He was the dreamiest one! Him and that gal with the plastic eyebrows shaped like Twizzlers. > So I spooked Luke Rossi. What does this have to do with music, > you might ask? Oh, come on, I spooooked Luuuuuuke Rossi, it's pure music; > even I, a man of dubious musical talents, can see that. > > Sincerely, > Causa Suuuuuuuwwweeeeeeeee > > P.S. DIAPER GRAVY! Now _that's_ the bogus Web address to give people when the pickup conversation is going horribly wrong and you want to bail. "My personal Web site is -- are you writing this down? -- double u double u double u dot dee eye ay pee ee ahr gee ahr ay vee why dot com. NOW READ THAT BACK TO ME WHILE I GIGGLE!" -- K. P.S. DIAPER GRAVY BIAFRA!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Skank Ho Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 08:18:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > "Fire Engines All Day Long" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > > > Yesterday my sister mailed out a check for $440 for a Korg Mono/Poly > > synthesizer I won on eBay. My parents don't know about it, but are certain > > to go apop when they hear news of it, > > Buy a kazoo! Smaller! Simpler! Cheaper! Wackier!!1!! NASA's new "Smaller, Simpler, Cheaper, Wackier" program got off the ground today with the launch of KAZOO-1, the first musical instrument to be sent into space. About the only difference between KAZOO-1 and an ordinary Earth kazoo is that KAZOO-1 does not have a membrane of common household tissue paper but of solid gold, and a price tag of fifty-eight billion dollars. NASA plans to launch twenty of these orbital space kazoos in advance of next year's mission to put twenty chimps into orbit. "Space Shuttle astronauts deserve to get wacky wakeup calls every morning," NASA Admiral Dan Goldin explained, "And with this plan the astronauts can wake up to the theme from '2001' being played by twenty chimps with super-expensive kazoos." -- K. Then crazy people started claiming the real purpose was for the kazoos to beam mind-control rays at people.