Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ÁPAXIL! Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:09:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And then, to cheer you up, they'll have to give you another kind > > of pill full of tiny midgets who read aloud thousands of > > never-before-performed scripts from your favorite cancelled sitcom. > > The mere notion of such a thing happening, makes me feel better already. Okie dokie, lowercase Pete, name your favorite cancelled sitcom and I'll write the first script just for you. Jamming it into a pill with several live midgets will be your own responsibility, but I volunteer to write one script for any sitcom you want. At no charge! Unless it's one of those atrocious sitcoms made just for children, such as "Small Wonder", "Punky Brewster", "Meego", or "Knight Rider". I'll only write one of those if you give me the appropriate amount of money, which would contain over a trillion zeroes and at least one other kind of digit at the beginning. -- K. Preferably in Base 16, which has special digits for things like "Jackpot" and "Lose A Turn". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ÁPAXIL! Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 05:35:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pete" (pfilandr@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Okie dokie, lowercase Pete, name your favorite cancelled sitcom and > > I'll write the first script just for you. > > "I Love Lucy" > > I liked her half baked money making schemes. LUCY Okay, Ethel, we don't have time to burn all of Ricky's money right now to make him so poor that we all have to get jobs in the musical theater. We've just got enough time to turn on the oven and start baking the money. ETHEL Oh, really, Lucy... have you gone completely oddball? LUCY Let's just say that when Ricky gets home, I'll treat him to his favorite dinner... arroz con money-o. ETHEL Hey, I think I hear Fred calling me, bye! (ETHEL jumps out a window. LUCY grabs another handful of money and prepares to throw it into the oven.) LUCY Oh, wait, I turned the gas on an hour ago but I forgot to light it. I'll just light it with this lighter that I use to light my Philip Morris cigarettes. (Everything in the room bursts into flame, including LUCY's hair.) LUCY (running around in circles) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! RICKY (entering) Ba-ba-loooo... Honey, I'm home! (his eyes bug out) Ay-yi-yi, you are wearing a fire on your head! (begins raving in Spanish) LUCY Some husband you are, don't just stand there, put me out! VICKI THE ROBOT Put... you... out. (lifts up Lucy and carries her outside.) RICKY Hey, what's the little robot girl from "Small Wonner" doin' in my home on my show? LUCY (offscreen) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH RICKY!!! MY HAIR HURTS!!! ALSO I DIDN'T WANT IT TO BE THIS ORANGE WHEN I DYED IT!!! RICKY I'm comin' to help you, honey, but firs' I got to find a babysitter for little Ricky! LITTLE RICKY Ga ga goo goo duh... AUTOMAN (a hunky male model wearing glowing spandex) Mr. Ricardo, I am the world's most perfect babysitter. RICKY No, no, in Cuba, the men do the hard work, and the women take care of the kids! Vicki, you be the babysitter! VICKI Sit! (pause) on! (pause) the! (pause) baby! (very long pause, then she slowly sits on him) RICKY Oh no! She is sittin' on the baby! AUTOMAN That's because you told her to sit on the baby. RICKY Oh no! What's that smell? AUTOMAN My computerized nose detects the aroma of burning money coming from the kitchen, and burning henna rinse coming from Lucy. And you only have time to save one... YOUR MONEY OR YOUR WIFE! RICKY Automan, you go peel Little Ricky off Vicki's butt and then get my money out of the oven, while I go help Lucy! (He runs outside. He immediately returns, dragging a carbonized skeleton wearing heavy eye makeup.) RICKY Lucy, are you okay? SKELETON I'm fine, Ricky. Can I go to the beauty parlor now? RICKY NO! SKELETON WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! -- K. Okay, I admit it, it wans't as funny as any actual episode of "I Love Lucy" involving two different robot people. This is because I forgot to make fun of the fact that Lucille Ball was terrified of pictures of birds. She liked birds, but she was scared of _pictures_ of birds. What a nut! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELATIVITY MADE SIMPLE Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 05:45:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo,alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo.mod,alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo.d In the newsgroups alt.sci.physics.new-theories, alt.religion.kibology, and alt.george-hammond.is.a.bozo (!) George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [to Simon Clark] > > Look out Simple Simon asshole punk .. you're talking to > someone who makes "original statements" that you can't be > looked up in a dictionary. Don't let it throw you. Dear George, *I* can be looked up in a dictionary... I've had my photo printed in more dictionaries than you've had hot breakfasts. -- K. And why HAVE you been having your hot breakfasts printed in dictionaries? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Sinkhole status report. Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 09:30:54 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com An update on the sinkhole in front of my building: Its penumbral region is now about three by four and a half feet. I am eagerly awaiting a good rain so I can witness the street folding in on itself like a hexaflexagon in hyperbolic space. -- K. Only louder. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God is pure Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:03:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > GOD HELP BOB HOPE > > May God help Bob Hope, I saw his picture on National Enquirer..... . That's it! It's brilliant! We should all wish that Bob Hope _lives_! That's why it didn't work to wish for his death, we have to use reverse psychology on God! EVERYONE, START WISHING THAT BOB HOPE NOTE DIE! Mr. "Smart", you are a "genius"! -- K. It's weird that creating alt.sci.physics.new-theories as a place to draw the mad scientists away from sci.physics actually worked, but took several years to really catch on. It's also weird that "Smart1234" ends every sentence with "..... ." (several periods, a space, and a period), a new form of punctuation with a beat you can dance to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another reason why the CAPalert guy is loony Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 04:02:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Brian Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > I just found out during lunch today that one of my coworkers worked on > Baby Geniuses, she even has a credit. > > She didn't understand why I was laughing so hard when she mentioned it. > I tried to explain the a.r.k backstory behind my fit of giggles. As to > be expected, she just looked at me like I was fucked in the head. > > So mostly I think I just managed to end up offending her. She did agree > that the movie was terrible. Before she gets the restraining order against you, could you please ask her (a) whether Jon Voight was under the influence of some sort of alien brain-destroying Diaper Gravy Ray when he produced the movie, and (b) how they managed to color-correct the scenes filmed at the Adventuredome at Circus Circus in Las Vegas, which in its natural state is illuminated in Pepto-Bismol pink-colored sunlight which comes in through its Barbie-eqsue magenta windows. All my photos from there look like they were photographed through an aquarium filled with pureed salmon. -- K. Also, (c) why did the toddler's legs triple in length whenever he started dancing? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another reason why the CAPalert guy is loony Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:03:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (of a secret E-mail address) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [re "Baby Geniuses"] > > > > Candlepin bowling is a hundred times funnier than that movie. > > Candlepin bowling! YAAAAAAAAY!!!!! Something I haven't seen since junior > high, when I lived in Assachusetts. My HickTown had a place called > "Crowell Bowl," and their balls were smooth and small and brown, like.... > > SKEE-BALL!!! > > What were YOU thinking? The difference is that with Skee-Ball, the ball _has_ to go in somewhere even if you're such a shlub that you can't get it in the three-foot wide outer ring, because the area south of the outer ring either returns the ball to you or counts as a pittance. With candlepin bowling, you can get the ball to go right through the middle of the cluster of pins without coming within an inch of any of them, in much the way you can compute the value of pi by dropping a two-inch-long toothpick on a floor with fifty-foot-long boards a million times and counting the number of times it covers the entire board and then adding 3.14159. Basically, candlepin bowling sucks because it's nearly impossible to get a strike, and because everyone is equally bad at it, and because the equipment is more expensive than regular bowling (you have to buy a box of _four_ balls even though you're only allowed to use _three_ unless you wear one down to a nub, in which case the other two would be worn out too and you'd still have to buy another box) and it's just plain not fun because it's like bowling except for the satisfying KA-POW of the huge sixteen-pound cannonball smashing into the giant human-shaped pins that were used as war clubs in the olden days, instead you get a sissy little tangerine-like jawbreaker gently tapping a paper-towel core standing on end. Also it doesn't require you to have fingers, because they don't bother drilling finger holes in the balls, which are so small that magicians like to palm them and then pull them out of your ear. Whereas, if someone pulled a _real_ bowling ball out of my ear, I'd either be very impressed or in great pain. The midway games alt.religion.kibology would like better than Skee-Ball are: (these are all actual ones I've seen in kids' arcades in the past week) (1) "Whack-An-Alien". It's like Whack-A-Mole except there's this astronaut in a super-cool red and white spacesuit (with stubby arms and legs) lying down and you get to pound on these dozen glowing rubber guys who pop out of his chest, and they randomly turn from green to red and the sign says "DON'T HIT RED ALIENS!" but the little kids do anyway because they don't know which kinds of chest-burster are your friend. (2) A game whose name I don't know, which involves perfectly spherical bees (Ping-Pong balls with yellow and black stripes) blowing around and you have to catch them with a honey dipper and drop them into a honey pot to win points. I forgot to memorize the name of this game when I played it at an imitation of Coney Island, so I just call it "The Spherical Bee Game." (3) "Disco Fever", which is one of those where you put the quarter in and it bounces off some posts and then lands in this huge pile of quarters that the pathetic little rake isn't pushing into the payout slot (which would magically turn the quarters into valueless tickets) except that the obstacle the quarter bounces off at the start consists of this big silver ball moving back and forth across John Travolta's crotch. -- K. At my midway, I'd have a game where you whack the thing and a weight goes flying up this twenty-foot tall post to ring a bell, and it would be calibrated from "50" to "150", and the sign would say "TEST YOUR IQ! HIT THIS WITH YOUR FOREHEAD!" Also, there would be a roller coaster which would travel along a Mšbius strip, and it would be shaped like an arrow and be really noisy, but it would jam up for four minutes every five minutes. Plus it would have a sign saying "THIS IS EDUCATIONAL." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Serious poll about Wild-E-CyotePHD Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:21:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > we do that george... lets take one up. > I cant wait to see all of you doge my first point all overagan. Doge? I know Archie Plutonium has proclaimed himself The King Of Science And Logic, but who is The Doge Of Science? Does he at least have a palace with an annoying pink-and-beige diamond pattern like the one in Venice that the crazy billionaire faithfully recreated for The Venetian casino in Las Vegas? > WHY DOSE GUNPOWDER react faster on earth then in space. Or any > reaction.=BF Resublimated thiotimoline reacts _slower_ on earth than in space! EXPLAIN THAT, BUCKO! > Another you all ran from.. and this is also a fact. > The revoling plate of steel and sound exsperement. None of you faced > the fact. Why would we want to face a revolting plate of excrement? STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME EAT AT DENNY'S AGAINST MY WILL! > we got to the point where all of a suden you cant read or understand any > facts ,,,so you think beeing funny counts in physics ,,wile you denie > god. IM NOT HERE TO GIGLE AT MORONS I agree, YOU'RE not the one who's here to do that. > I dont care if you can spell . You can teach a munkey to spell. > FIRE THE MUTHERFUCKERS YEAH! FIRE THE MUNKEYS WHO CAN SPELL! -- K. MAKE THEM USE DOEDORANT SO THEY WILL STOP SPELLING!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Serious poll about Wild-E-CyotePHD Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 06:00:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > If EI was here hed be the bigest bumbass in the group. He was incoherant > and arogant. ^^^^^^^ ||||||| ||||||| !!!!!!! !!!!! !!! ! LADIES! AND! GENTLEMEN! AND! MAD SCIENTISTS OF ALL AGES! I HEREBY ANNOUNCE THAT I NO LONGER FEEL THE NEED TO MAKE FUN OF ARCHIE PLUTONIUM! -- K. However, I reserve the right to mock Archie if he ever resumes being this big a bumbass. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOD - Smart shows again God exists with the parting of Red Sea... Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:33:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > a fact ... 27000 years ago god told moses > that the earth would be distroied when the sun exsplodes. > 2000 years ago jesus said your soul was in your blood. les than 100 > years ago dna was dicoverd. I alone can ( by gods word ) pruve > law was given through Moses. > Your forgivness through Jesus Crist. > The tuth in physics through Elijah. < -- me > These are the last days I say. You selibrated > the melentiem 2000 ... but it was a lie. "melentiem"? Mr. Cyote, if you keep talking like this, people are going to stop making fun of Archimedes Plutonium. > The meleniem begin wen I touch the earth. Oh, so when you touched the earth, the melentiem ended and the melenium began. > With jesus by my side ... armed by god. > Educated by this room. I Elijah can tell you what no other can . But > when I do .. you just ignore the facts. This world has intrusted you to > be a physicsist . To show us the truth. You say there is no god. Piss on > you, dont juge me. I will not be juged by a fool teling me Im stupid. I > dont run from facts..nor your idioligy of reality. > Act like children I will treat you like children. Okay. Give us candy NOW! > There is no point arguing with fools. > So you think your smart but cant master the most simple questions. Is > there a god. > My eyes are open are yours. > Next time you chalenge my intelect .. bring yours. I am alive and will > live forever. > Every atom of iron I have recorded all I know on makes me my own > witness.... provides a path to eturnity. And when the sun exsplodes I > will see yuo in heaven befor the real guge. You're going to be gunged in Heaven? You _do_ understand that there is a difference between the Bible and "Beat The Clock", don't you? > Even if wiked men have changed the bible to hold the truth from > you..its still true. Life is not by chance and the active foce of god > sustains you . Im not impressed or intimadated by fools > with dictionaries. NO SIHT!!!! > Im not scraching my head mad at god. DEAR GOD, YOU MAKE ME SO MAD I AM GOING TO SCRATCH MY HEAD AT YOU! HA HA, LOOK AT MY DANDRUFF, GOD! > Im not retarded. Do you have that written on your T-shirt? > Im not a lier. > Im not perfect .. that dont mean you a lier can guge me. Why the fascination with gunge all of a sudden? Did you wander in from alt.sci.physics.super-sloppy.double-dare? -- K. "Your theory, whatever it is, will be proven true if you just go down this slide into this vat of chocolate pudding mixed with Crazy Glue..." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOD - Smart shows again God exists with the parting of Red Sea... Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:57:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Nazgul" (nazgulk@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > > > a fact ... 27000 years ago god told moses > > that the earth would be distroied when the sun exsplodes. > > Did you just roll 3 dice and multiply by a thousand to get this number? Oh no! If true, this means that Mr. "Cyote" is using dice with at least nine sides! And that means he's one of those Dungeons & Dragons fans who went insane during the early 1980s! Maybe he was the inspiration for Tom Hanks's character in the movie of "Rona Jaffee's Mazes & Monsters"! Wow. Suddenly that movie seems _stupid_. > > [...] > > > > These are the last days I say. You selibrated > > the melentiem 2000 ... but it was a lie. > > True, the millenium changes in 2001. Lying politicians! Conspiracy! > > > The meleniem begin wen I touch the earth. > > ... but not when you touch a keyboard or WebTV remote apparently. I would really like to see how Mr. Cyote uses his WebTV keyboard and/or remote control. Remember those old American Tourister ads with the gorilla flinging the suitcase around his cage? I figure it's like that only with a keyboard bouncing off the walls. Also he's wearing Acme brand jet-powered roller skates. Except he got a cheap knockoff where "Acme" was misspelled so they don't even work that well! > > [...] > > > > provides a path to eturnity. And when the sun exsplodes I > > will see yuo in heaven befor the real guge. > > As opposed to the fake guge. Or Mike Guge, creator of Geavis & Gutt-head! -- K. I will pay five dollars to the first person who writes a "Beavis & Butt-head" fanfic story which ends with Butt-head explaining why Wild E.'s science theory, whatever it is, is stupid. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOD - Smart shows again God exists with the parting of Red Sea... Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 09:29:08 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I just wrote: > > Maybe he [Wild E. Cyote] was the inspiration for Tom Hanks's character > in the movie of "Rona Jaffee's Mazes & Monsters"! > > Wow. Suddenly that movie seems _stupid_. I has struck me that some of you folks may be too young to remember that trenchant TV-movie. In fact, some of you may be too young to remember the deconstruction of it that I did a year and a half ago. Therefore, the immutable laws of physics (as applied to bad movies) command me to re-post what I said about "Mazes & Monsters" in late 1998. ////////// REPOST //////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" 2000 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 09:44:19 GMT I would just like to point out that I am the only person on the Internet who has figured out why "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" is stupid. But I haven't been able to segue into it because nobody posted any followups to my "Mazes & Monsters" article which were as BRAINY as my original, so I'm just going to start from scratch and say it here and yet you bask in the reflected glory of this post which is not a followup to any of you people. Okay, here's my revelation. Ready? The movie's premise is that if you play a game where you pretend to be other people, because you're not good at pretending to be other people you'll base your game character's exploits on your real life, and this will blur the distinction between reality and fantasy, and you'll think you're playing Dungeons & Dragons in real life and go permanently insane and kill Lenny or Squiggy and then jump off the World Trade Center after strolling onto the roof through the locked door which you opened with one of your imaginary spells. Now, the problem is... Tom Hanks spent the entire shooting schedule of the movie PRETENDING TO BE A GUY WHO'S INSANE!!! This means that if the "Dungeons & Dragons causes permanent total insanity because it involves pretending" theory is true, then Tom Hanks is now permanently insane, and indeed, all other actors are suffering permanent brain damage as we speak! James Earl Jones thinks he's Darth Vader! David Prowse also thinks he's Darth Vader! William Daniels thinks he's KITT! The guy who plays Barney thinks he wuvs you! Lucille Ball thinks she's an idiot! Joe Piscopo thinks he's a movie star! Ha! I have destroyed Rona Jaffe's whole movie. I demand the Academy strike the movie's Best Picture Oscar from the records. ALSO, NOW I DESERVE THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR DUNGEONS & DRAGONS! -- K. I want to know why characters in D&D can't skip Experience Level 13 the way my building's elevator does. (And I'm glad it does, because the Secret Floor holds an evil ventrilo- quist dummy that shoots tranquilizer darts from its eye socket.) ////////// ANOTHER REPOST //////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.dungeon-dragon, rec.games.frp.dnd Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 6 Dec 1998 08:23:17 GMT So, am I the only one here who has seen this fine movie over one hundred times? In one day? And am I the only one here who likes to make believe he's Tom Hanks making believe he's Robbie making believe he's Pardu for weeks on end? I am looking for people who are pretending to be the other three actors in "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" so that we can play a game of Kibo's "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters". Requirements are: 1.) The three people must be unable to figure out that, in New York City, "The Two Towers" refers to the World Trade Center. 2.) There has to be one guy who has a 190 I.Q. (verified by his mother, who decorates his room in solid white) and has a different funny hat in every scene to show that he's an eccentric genius just like Chuck Barris. Also he has to celebrate Brigette Bardot's birthday and go to Halloween parties dressed like Noel Coward just in case we don't already know that there's no difference between having a 190 I.Q. and being gay. Don't forget to have a "Casablanca" poster. 3.) There has to be a young woman who wants to be a writer but has writer's block due to a lack of life experience. 4.) And the other guy has to be the really good-looking, smart, well-liked, normal person nobody would possibly expect to go out of his way to play a stupid board game that makes you go permanently insane. 5.) Oh, and someone has to bring a badly-dubbed talking bird that can dispense plot points repeatedly while we're ignoring it. Anyway, I'm going to go wander around wailing "I THINK I KILLED SOMEBODY! WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER!" in Tom Hanks's voice until Lenny and Squiggy start chasing me around to steal my bag of spells and I run away from them like a big sissy who would grow up to play Forrest Gump running away from people like a big sissy. Remember, if they catch us sneaking into Pequod Caverns, we'll be expelled! -- K. Also my favorite scene is where the Jack Webb-like detective intones seriously, "Mazes & Monsters is a 'far-out' game." ////////// ANOTHER REPOST //////////////////////////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: "Rona Jaffe's Mazes & Monsters" Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 7 Dec 1998 07:32:26 GMT Lynne Simpson (savitri@mindspring.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also my favorite scene is where the Jack Webb-like detective > > intones seriously, "Mazes & Monsters is a 'far-out' game." > > And that voice-over at the end is ridiculous and way condescending. I agree with you that the rest of the movie was brainy, like "The Purple Rose Of Cairo", "Brazil", and "Logan's Run". However, I think more movies need ridiculous yet condescending voice-overs. For instance: (at the end of any James Bond movie starring Roger Moore and his hairpiece:) "JAMES BOND IS REAL!!! HOPE YOU WEREN'T TOO INTELLIGENT TO ENJOY THIS FINE QUALITY PIECE OF CINEMA!!!" (at the end of any Don Bluth Studios cartoon:) "ALL DOGS REALLY DO GO TO HEAVEN!!! AND IN HEAVEN EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT SHADES OF LAVENDER!!! YOU LIKE LAVENDER!!! HOPE YOU WEREN'T THE KIND OF JERK THAT DOESN'T LOVE THIS SORT OF WONDERFUL MAJOR MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE!!!" (at the end of any Chris Farley movie:) "HA HA HA HA WE MADE YOU WATCH THIS!!! WE GOT YOUR MONEY!!!" That last one's especially ridiculous, as no force in the Universe could make me watch a Chris Farley movie, not even Darth Vader holding a lightsaber in each hand and blocking the exit with a big glob of rancid Cheez Whiz. That came out of his butt. (I would like to apologize for making a bathroom joke about Darth Vader, but there is something about the concept of Chris Farley movies that makes me think of space poop.) > Bleah. It *is* funny how movies portray people who have high IQs. It > might have been more accurate to show the guy wearing the SAME hat in > every scene, and in his closet there'd be a dozen more of them, all > alike. :-) Excuse me, I think you misspelled "a twisty maze of little hats, all alike." (WELL, SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT. I'M JUST SORRY IT HAD TO BE ME.) -- K. I was actually going to make a serious observation on the logical fallacy of the core conceit of "Mazes & Monsters" but it's hard to be serious when you're thinking about Darth Vader making orange space deposits on Chris Farley. ////////// END OF REPOSTS //////////////////////////////////////////////// -- K. There is nothing better than a row of slashes if you have to repeat one punctuation mark to make a pretty pattern. The question is, are virgules or solidi easier on the eyes? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GOD - Smart shows again God exists with the parting of Red Sea... Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 05:52:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I will pay five dollars to the first person who writes a > > "Beavis & Butt-head" fanfic story which ends with Butt-head > > explaining why Wild E.'s science theory, whatever it is, is stupid. Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > make it a pair of shoes for the poor kid down your street that you dont > like instead of 5 bucks! > Bevis ( if your head wasnt in your as you might see some reality other > than your own shit) > Buthead ( whats teee veee ... a VD ? Pual watches teee veee hehe... with > his head in his ass ) and stupid is your preceptor for reality/. I don't remember Beavis and Butthead being this stupid. -- K. Sorry... NO SHOES FOR YOU! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WILD-E-Cyote Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 06:45:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mad scientist season continues on alt.sci.physics.new-theories with this beautiful collision between Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) and another wacko: > > Subject: WILD-E-Cyote > > I got email from a person who said they were Wild Eye. I think I know what > would happen if I tried to talk to him using email. > > I am not trying to be mean. I am trying to help people. > > Wild Eye said you e me. I did not send email to him. I guess that means I > wrote an article about him. He said if you e me again I know where you > live, I will be at your door I am coming to get you. He said a small > number of other things. > > Wild Eye needs to know some things. It is a crime to send that kind of > email. 1 year in prison for a threat. 5 years in prison for a death > threat. Or in his case, a deth thret. > I am kind of nice and I would not try to get him in trouble for > what he did. But if he keeps sending that kind of email to people he will > probably end up in a federal prison. Some people are not as nice as I am. > Also people can get him off the internet for that kind of thing. (CUE PEE-WEE HERMAN JOKE #267B) > I guess if I sent a copy of his email to his internet company they > would not let him use their company. I am a third party in this, so I will not give you any help in figuring out which company wild-e-cyotephd@WEBTV.net buys his access from. > I try to be fair to people. But I think Wild Eye is mentally ill. I did > not insult Wild Eye. I just like the fact that you've misspelled the name of someone who can't even spell his _own_ name correctly. This is like a game of "telephone" only not as intellectually stimulating. I expect that in a week someone will be talking about "Wild Blue Razzberry Eyeball Q. Toyote". > I understand why Wild Eye is mad. If I talked to people around me like > some people talk on these physics groups nice people always would hit me. > If I always said dirty things to a nice girl she probably would hit me. Hey, you're a scientist -- do the experiment! > Wild Eye has a not normal name. A wild eye animal could be dangerous. > That does not mean he is dangerous. May be he would like to think he is > dangerous. > > I do not think he is dangerous to me. But may be in about 1 year he will > get a gun go out to a street and kill some people. I think he keeps saying > things like God is coming. It will be soon. He gives days and times. May > be he says there will be punishment. Some times he says he is coming. You > can see him. > > May be he is trying to tell people that he is going to kill some people. I am a third party in this dispute, so I will refrain from suggesting any names, such as "Bob Hope". > I think to an extreme he needs to go to a doctor. Get some drugs and do > not stop taking them. > > People need to be nice to him. Tell him to go to a doctor. Try to explain > to him how he is acting and what is wrong with his thinking when he writes > an article. Do not make fun of him. > > GO TO A DOCTOR. GET DRUGS. DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM. YOU ARE MENTALL ILL. > YOU ARE PROBABLY DANGEROUS. > > GO TO A DOCTOR. GET DRUGS. DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM. YOU ARE > MENTALLY ILL. YOU ARE PROBABLY DANGEROUS. > > GO TO A DOCTOR. GET DRUGS. DO NOT STOP TAKING THEM. YOU ARE > MENTALLY ILL. YOU ARE PROBABLY DANGEROUS. Dangerousness is more entertaining than repetitiousness. -- K. If I've said that once, I've said it a thousand times. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WILD-E-Cyote Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 08:54:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Here are the e mailers with the help of the sheriff have been exsposed. > Both have poped thier ugly heads up and shot there own feet. How does one pope his head up? By putting on a spiffy zuchetto? > But you use the fake naims wile harasing in e mail cowards aganst a 70 > year old man. > Oh Im 71 now ! I take back my theory about Mr. "Cyote" having the optional WebTV keyboard. He must just have the little remote control, because it took him a year to type those two sentences. I'm just glad that Mr. "Cyote" uses his real name and not a poorly-spelled made-up cartoon name. By the way, Wild, how would you spell "pseudonym"? > [...] > > Most of you ignore the facts even if you must resort to childs play. I > did not run a foundry for 45 years on childsplay. Monotype? Bitstream? Stephenson Blake? You're the guy who drew Bitstream Old Dreadful No. 7, aren't you? HEAVEN FORFEND THERE COULD BE A CRAZY FONT DESIGNER LOOSE ON THE INTERNET!!! > I will be with jesus soon for you non believers ...well there are > no nonn believers here. You will change your minds some day. When > you have seen enouph. > My 52 patents and trips to the us pat off long ago led me to a place > around th corner at the pub . Here I ran into the man every day from the > patt office. He was a goofy man but fairly smart. We argued abot god and > drank till > they shut the cealing fans off every night for weeks. Every night, they shut them off for weeks? However, I am sincerely impressed by your 52 imaginary patents. That blows the doors of Archimedes Plutonium's grand total of only 3 patents. However, his had actual patent numbers, which was good because we could look them up to see that there were no patents connected to those numbers. Could you please post a list of your 52 patent numbers so that we could look them up to be sure you really do have 52 imaginary patents and didn't slip a real one in to raise your total? > Old joe stoupher and elbert einstine > would laph and joke like me till we wasall too drunk to leive the pub, You misspelled "Albart Ienstien." Also, what position did Einstein have in your foundry? > One night as we left the pub Einstinne says to me with tears in his > eyes. ( is it a curse ..to have one thing you must loose another, > Inteligents dose not amount to happiness.) You're mean! You made Einstienne Rouette cry! Even though English isn't either of your native languages! By the way, when it comes to words like "Einstein", your super-genius theories might be taken more seriously if you'd just pick one spelling and GO WITH IT! If you misspelled it the same way every time, that would be evidence of some sort of intelligence. > I leave you with When god puts inteligents in your hands work it with > all your might. > When god puts love in your hart love with all abandonment. Science is > good but herd dont let it consume you because none loves science. > EI often felt cursed . He would have rather been stupid and pappy with a > home full of love. Who is EI? Oh, I get it, you were referring to Elbert Ienstienne. Understanding your articles is hard! I guess I'm just not dumb enough to understand you! > Why do you think we sat at the pub every night. > Is it so smart to traid intelect for love ? > Wich would you leave to the world. > My millions will go to feed kids. Im too old to enjoyit anyway. Hey, cool, you have millions of dollars AND you get Internet access through your TV screen. Just out of curiosity, do you have an imaginary foundation with a "Legal-Law Desk" somewhere near Dartmouth? Do you like candy? > Bot moost of you should go spend your time living instead of non rest and > thinking. At least somthing you do will make sence. And I hope athieisem > if a tempoary condition you will over come. Ieeiensteiiein was not an aithieieist!!! He was a good Jeieieieiw!!!! -- K. I wish Einstein had a middle name so Mr. "Cyote" could misspell it too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WILD-E-Cyote Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 04:11:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > That reminds me. I was watching a "Family Feud" show from the '70s > today, and one family was trying to think up the number-one answer > for "a profession in which Russian people become famous." The > other three answers (ATHLETE, DANCER, and SCIENTIST) had already > been figured out. The first family got three strikes so the other > family tried to steal. > > And... > > they... > > responded... > > "COMMUNISM!" Hmm. I wonder if professional communism pays well. Do they have a good union? > p.s. The correct answer was "COSMONAUT." I think every country should have its own made-up word for "astronaut" instead of the real word "astronaut" which appeared in the Bible. For instance, French people could be "Cheezonauts" and Australians could be "Austronaut Astaroos". -- K. And a Kibologist astronaut would be addressed as "Please don't drop any pennies on me from orbit Mr. Kibologist sir!" Unless he's a woman. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibology ?! Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:06:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Quinn Inuit (quinn_inuit@POINGyahoo.com) wrote: > > kawdyr@mailbox.bellatlantic.net wrote: > > > > Very cool, but that doesn't precisely answer the question > > Exactly. Now you're catching on. I caught onto A.R.K. through the > Geek Code myself (which I found through a cartoon which I found > through Sluggy Freelance, but that's another story for another time), > and it's a cool place. There's only one good answer to your question, > and that's not to ask it. If you want to know what a newsgroup is, > read the posts. What's a post? -- K. What's a .signature? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Made-up diseases. Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:15:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [regarding AIDS] Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > > > > > But, at it stands, whenever I take a blood test, and they give me that > > > questionnaire, I'm like "guys, do not even bother. I'm so clean, I > > > don't have to wash my hands after I use the bathroom." > > > > Yeah, but you still *do*, don't you? > > That's a stupid question. Of course I do. > > And not just my hands. I've found that when you live alone and have > lots of time, the shower can be a splendid replacement for toilet paper. EWWWW! I think you should stop having your blood tested for the AIDS you know you don't have, and instead, run right out and get yourself tested for whatever disease makes you turn into Archimedes Plutonium. The Seven Warning Signs Of Turning Into Archimedes Plutonium: 1. Weird bathroom habits. 2. Telling the entire Internet about your weird bathroom habits. 3. Microwaving raw spaghetti in paper cups. 4. Wanting to see professional wrestlers opening buckets of maple syrup. 5. Declaring yourself to be the King of any hard science. 6. Writing "movies" which consist entirely of religious hymns with all the nouns changed to "the nucleus of Plutonium". 7. Believing your head is powered by the single atom inside it. Nick, as a friend, I _implore_ you, have your head examined to make sure that it doesn't have an atom inside it. -- K. I think you may have caught Plutoniumitis from Matt McIrvin, who is a carrier. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Giant Pink Easter bunnies Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:24:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Susan Parry Whelchel (peri@sprynet.com) wrote: > > In Parma Ohio, where I work, the local meat store has > a two-and-a-half-story tall pink inflatable Easter bunny on its > roof. This is quite eye-catching, given that all of the stores are one or > two stories high. On the bunny's stomach is a sign advertising > kielbasa. > It's too bad there weren't any little kids around at the > time -- I was all set to tell them that after Easter this > is what happens to the bunny -- he gets made into sausage. (But, Mom, the > lady at the library told me it was true!!) The good part (the pink ears) gets made into Nathan's hot dogs, and the remaining 90% gets made into those seventy-five cent three-quarter-pound hot dogs they serve in casinos. > -Susan > who decided for some reason > that she didn't want sausage > for dinner until she finds > out exactly what's in it. But if you _could_ tell what was in it, then it wouldn't be sausage of any sort! Today at the supermarket I saw some salami which contained "turkey, turkey hearts, beef hearts, beef." Wow, FOUR completely different kinds of meat! Only THREE of which don't belong in sausage! Also, at the Chinese supermarket next to the normal supermarket, they had three completely different things marked "beef tendon". Two of them were grosser than actual beef tendons. -- K. The Chinese market is also the place to get things which look like sausage but aren't, such as "beef pizzel". This is not to be confused with "beef pizzelle" which I would probably enjoy -- they have some beef cookies there which taste great with or without onion dip. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Startling Realization Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 07:28:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "revjack" (revjack@radix.net) wrote: > > All my childhood friends were weirdos. I'm jealous, you... you... FRIEND-HAVER! But at least my imaginary friends were all weirdos. -- K. And then there were the voices in my head that spoiled the endings of movies. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Skank Ho Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 08:13:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Fire Engines All Day Long" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > This is a post containing unfunny musings about para-musical objects and > situations in my life. It's not funny. You have been warned. We'll make it funny! (It's a lot easier to make an unfunny article funny than it is to make a funny article funny.) > Yesterday my sister mailed out a check for $440 for a Korg Mono/Poly > synthesizer I won on eBay. I swear on a stack of graves of all the people in the Bible that when I read that, my brain parsed it as "a Kong Porno Monopoly synthesizer". That would be like Phil Dick's idea of the "Penfield Mood Organ" only with more emphasis on "organ". > My parents don't know about it, but are certain to go apop when they > hear news of it, Cool! I wish more Internet service providers would go APOP, because I don't like sending my password over the network unencrypted. WHOOSH! I JUST SNUCK A NERD JOKE INTO YOUR POST ABOUT KORG SYNTHESIZERS! > -- and my sister and I are determined to keep it a secret as close > to the time of the package's arrival as possible. One thing you have > to understand is that my parents spent an entire evening dissuading > me from buying a $290 Juno 60, evidently believing it ludicrous that > I should bring another keyboard into the house, be it pre-MIDI or not. I was going to say something about your parents forcing you to use a WebTV, but that would have been unnecessarily cruel. I will save all my cruelty for people who actually do have WebTVs. > My argument was that the Juno 60 was a synthesizer in the classic sense > of the word, ...and not one of those new "Star Trek" synthesizers that dispenses chicken sandwiches and tea (Earl Grey, hot)! > and thus totally unlike anything I presently have. In the end, > I was pacified with the vague promise of the Korg MS2000R, a > then-unreleased rackmount synth with real-time control to sate me, > and no superfluous keyboard to leave me with that much less room > in which to swing my arms. "You've got to see this new band! When they play... they really swing their arms!" > Well, the MS2000R is out, and there's still no way in the forseeable > future that I'll have the money to afford it. So where am I getting > the money for the Mono/Poly, you may ask? It's a loan, from my sister, > to whom I am currently $280 in debt as it is. My mother thinks it > unfathomably insane that I should spend as much money as I do on > musical equipment, Oh, you could make your own musical instrument from a paper-towel tube, some rubber bands, and a cat! Then you can progress from being The Band That Swings Their Arms to being The Band That Can Swing A Cat! > and has made little secret of the fact that she doubts that my musical > talents justify the expense. Tell her that the LESS talent you have, the MORE you need good equipment! > The shit'll hit the fan when she hears of the TG55, which shouldn't be > long before the Mono/Poly arrives. You see, I have $280 in savings with > my parents,-- $100 of which is being spent on a Yamaha TX81z module I > won off eBay, and $150 of which will be spent on a Casio VZ10m I won > on Auctionsoup.com,-- a transaction I'm trying to delay as long as possible. > That's where the TG55 fouls everything up. You see, the TG55 was evidently > won off eBay for $175, but the creepy thing is... I don't remember > bidding for it. Seriously, it seems like something I *would* bid on, > I just really honestly seriously don't remember bidding on it. It's the new artificially-intelligent online-auction site that figures out what you want to purchase and sells it to you without you having to make any annoying decision about whether or not you want to buy it! > Maybe I'm a compulsive spender, maybe it's a disease and I can't be > held responsible for my actions. Still, the TG55 will be a faith-buster, > it might take years before I'm able to bask in my parents' good graces > again. But the really distressing thing is that my wants don't end > with the Mono/Poly;-- sure, the Mono/Poly is all the synthesizer > I'll ever need, but beyond that I still want a DeltaLab Acousticomputer > (~$150) and a CD burner (~$500), and that's just off the top of my head. You're going to burn CDs directly from your occipital lobes? Cool! (I have a soft spot for jokes about occipital lobes.) > So I'm thinking if I could get my parents more interested in my projects, > or at least more aware of the fruits of my projects, I might be able to > contain the fallout of the TG55 fiasco. I had a brief tutorial session > with my father about the capabilities of the sampler which I believe to > have been genuinely informative,-- previous to that, he called it a >"scrambler", and I could imagine why he thought the sampler was an > extravagance, as nothing called a "scrambler", no matter what it *could* > do, could *possibly* be worth what we paid for it. I could see spending a few hundred bucks on a scrambler if it made really good omelets and put them directly into my mouth. > So getting the folks involved would certainly smooth over the hurdles > to come. Maybe, as a lad and dad project, the old man and I could > assemble that pAiA compressor kit. "Another thing that makes noise?" > my mother would certainly counter, in response to which I would I > would direct her to the promotional literature;-- pAiA doesn't market > these things towards musicians, but rather for home theatre enthusiasts, > something about being able to watch nudie movies on Cinemax late at night > without having the orgasmic yelps waking up the kids. Jes' a lad and dad > project, is all. Unless this convinces him that your equipment is the type that makes all the incidental music in soft-core porn films. "Whoops! I accidentally had this set to 'gay'!" > So what does this have to do with music, you may ask? You never asked to > be subjected to my unspeakably mundane barrage of alphanumerics, and, > besides which, everybody knows that all that expensive synthesizer shit > isn't for *real* musicians anyway. Well, you wouldn't be saying that if I > wielded a big phallic axe like Chris Jackson. Korg wielded a big phallic axe. I've always wondered why the synthesizers were named after that Saturday morning kids' show about the caveman. > Chris Jackson, and I wish him the best, has always been on the periphery > of my very sparse circle, mainly as the guy a degree of separation away > from one Neb Rogers. He does lead guitar and vocals for a local band > called Lookwell,-- a band which I've been trying to weasel myself into > in the capacity of a keyboardist, to no avail. Anyway, Chris Jackson > invited me to his birthday party in February, held at a Tate Street > haunt called College Hill Sundries. My sister dropped me off, and I > hung around until I just disappeared into the tilework. Seriously, I > never fit into these gatherings, and quietly withdrew. Quite unexpectedly, > I was approached by a woman. She said her name was Renee, and that she > knew me from high school. Supposedly, I was a Junior or Senior when she > was a Freshman or Sophomore, and we skipped class one day and hung out > at the bleachers... which sounds like something I *would* do, but I just > honestly don't remember it happening,-- just one of those embarassing > lapses of memory. New improved eBay not only makes your purchases for you without bothering you first, but it now also pick up chicks for you! "Hello, this is eBay calling to inform you that you lost your virginity last night. And you enjoyed it very much." "Wow, thanks!" "In fact, you enjoyed it very, VERY much -- whoops! Sorry, we had this set to 'gay'." > She said I said something about liking Skinny Puppy, and that she said > something about how she was aware of them, but, as I later learned, she's > not particularly fond of them anyway. We resumed our conversation at > the bar, where she bought me a root beer. She explained that she's in > a group called Ash Ray Facts with fellow Western Guilford classmate > Alex Chutney. I know his sister Mango. (Cut to Alex saying, "How clever, that's the first time I've heard that... TODAY!" and then Bob Eubanks says, "And let's see what Kibo predicted you'd say..." and I hold up a big card saying "That's the first time I've heard that... TODAY!" and we win hundreds of dollars and a blender.) > She described their music and I expressed an interest in perhaps > collaborating with them. It was around this time that my sister > returned and Neb Rogers made his appearance. We exchanged email > addresses and I directed her to my web page. You know, given that people sometimes trade fake phone numbers during pickup conversations that go horribly wrong, I wonder if there are any women these days who give creepy guys fake Web page addresses. I think I should set up one that everyone can use, as a public service. (Unlike phone numbers, where you can just give out Disneyland's number without them recognizing it [hopefully], you can't say 'www.disney.com' without looking like a complete moron. Thus, I should call my important service something like 'www.this-is-my-real-address-just-for-me.com'.) > Now one thing you must understand about me, gentle reader, is that I > don't get out of the house much, thus making the coincidence to follow all > the more freaky. The *very next time* I leave the house is to go to my > therapist, after which I have my father drop me off at the Music Loft to > deposit my application for employment. I go down to the music technology > section, loiter, go up to the main desk, hand in my application, go back > downstairs, just begin loitering some more when I hear a voice saying > "You're Robert Caponi." I look up and see a man with tight curly black > hair standing there. My name is Alex," he said, to which I immediately > rejoined with "...Chutney!?!" Indeed it was him. He explained that he was > there when Renee visited my website, and I'm guessing that's where he > recognized me from, as he was unfamiliar, and I look nothing like I looked > when I was in high school. Anyway, we talked about our respective musical > equipment. He said they had a Juno 60 at their studio, and I expressed an > interest in noodling with said instrument. He said he was into making > "fucked up" noises, "whoops, I had it set to 'gay'!" Sorry. I'll try to stop saying that. > and I expressed an interest in same. The conversation was rife with > awkward pauses, and, in the end, I kind of just unceremoniously broke > it off. In the weeks to follow, I started an email correspondance with > Renee. She invited me to a Jello Biafra oratory at Guilford College, > but never gave me a time and a place to meet her, so that fell through. You know, if Jello Biafra had been born a few decades later, she might have been named Orbitz Biafra, Mentos Biafra, WebTV Biafra, or even Space: 1999 Biafra. > Her apartment is well within walking distance of my house, and within > spitting distance of an old abandoned fish hatchery, which I promised > to show her, but we never got around to that. I'm still interested in > perhaps collaborating with Alex, but we never got around to > meeting again. Still in all, within the space of a few days, I met two > people who promise to figure prominently in my future. I feel like I'm > living in a Hermann Hesse novel. This apprehension reached a point of > self-parody when, the day before yesterday, I met a jazz bassist as I was > walking past the buildings of Guilford College to walk in the woods. He > was practicing scales in a grassy area next to a parking lot as I > approached him. I introduced myself and he introduced himself, although, > for the life of me, I can't remember what his name was. He extends his > hand for a handshake... *panic*. Let's see, this occurance is not entirely > without precedent, as the drunken, grieving man I met on Dobson offered > his hand in friendship, and I accepted his offer. Oh, what the hell, I > thought, as I lept over the drainage ditch to meet the bassist, I can > always wash my hand later. I ask if he was with the Eastern Music > Festival; he explains that he was, at one point, with the EMF, but not > this year, and besides which, the EMF is a month and a half away. Now _there's_ a cool idea for a band. One guy swings a cat, the other guy (inside a Faraday cage) operates a huge instrument that produces EMF. And the best part is that nobody would be able to bootleg it with a smuggled-in tape recorder, because all electronics within ten miles would explode simultaneously during your finale. > I tell him that I recently wrote a string quartet, and ask him if he has any > string quartet buddies who would be interested in performing the piece. He > asks me if its written in a particular style, and I explain it's written > in the style of Anton Webern. He doesn't seem familiar with Webern, so I > explain that it's written in an atonal idiom, whereupon he launches into > an ad-hoc parody of atonal music, replete with enormous open intervals. I > explain that my piece, quite unlike what was customary for Webern, uses > alot of semitones and whole tones, but, had Webern chosen to write a piece > that makes extensive use of such intervals, it might end up sounding like > my piece. I dictate to him one of my favorite jazz scales- F Ab Bb B D# > E-, which he then plays, and explain that I'm exploiting its combinatorial > properties for my follow-up the-first-was-not-a-fluke piece. He identifies > the scale as a blues scale without the fifth and with a passing tone. > Later on, I hear him playing the same scale in its inversion, and identify > it as such, but he seems nonplussed. You know the commercial where the guy looks puzzled because the other guys says, "Your Web site's going to be set up like an MMDS gigabyte with a rotating geostationary satellite, and a key feature of the site will be binary riddles that users love!"? For the first time in my life, I feel like that commercial wants me to feel. Please explain everything you just said. (Keep in mind that I don't listen to music and in fact have never heard any popular music, ever.) Thank you. > I tell him that I sometimes improvise on the piano, and ask him if he'd > be interested in collaborating, whereupon he informs me that he's > graduating from Guilford College this spring and promptly moving back > to California, adding "I'm afraid it's not in the stars." For fear I > was taking too much of his time, or engaging him in conversation > longer than he wanted to be engaged, I excused myself and said I > must resume my walk through Guilford College woods. And resume my > walk I did, stopping only to wash my right hand in the creek. What is it with creative types like you and Mike Jittlov being afraid to shake hands? You'll never get into the Masons that way! And it's the Masons who control the entertainment industry! > I spooked Luke Rossi. Seriously, if I had to identify my one superpower > that sets me above other men, it would have to be my extensive knowledge > of obscure teen idols. So when I was punching in random names in ICQ's > name search thingy, I decided on a whim to enter in the first name "Luke" > and last name "Rossi." Sure enough, the names matched up with a Luke > Rossi, ICQ handle "Hulkster." The next day. Hulkster was online, and I > dropped him a line, asking him if he was indeed the Luke Rossi of _I Love > You To Death_ fame (he's in it for about fifteen seconds, exchanging like > two lines with an inconsolable Tracy Ullman.) Luke's response was "ya, > ok." We exchanged a few more instant messages, until he finally asked me > "do I know you?" Ever wary of coming across as a creepy stalker, I > protested too much, telling him "I have never met you, I have no intention > of ever meeting you," leaving it well enough alone to say "I am aware of > your work." Luke's response was something to the effect that he was busy > and had other matters to attend to, and I might believe him, just as I > might believe that there's absolutely nothing vaguely creepy about a 23 > year old man collecting pictures of Aaron Carter. The Australian guy from "Space: 1999"? He was the dreamiest one! Him and that gal with the plastic eyebrows shaped like Twizzlers. > So I spooked Luke Rossi. What does this have to do with music, > you might ask? Oh, come on, I spooooked Luuuuuuke Rossi, it's pure music; > even I, a man of dubious musical talents, can see that. > > Sincerely, > Causa Suuuuuuuwwweeeeeeeee > > P.S. DIAPER GRAVY! Now _that's_ the bogus Web address to give people when the pickup conversation is going horribly wrong and you want to bail. "My personal Web site is -- are you writing this down? -- double u double u double u dot dee eye ay pee ee ahr gee ahr ay vee why dot com. NOW READ THAT BACK TO ME WHILE I GIGGLE!" -- K. P.S. DIAPER GRAVY BIAFRA!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Skank Ho Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 08:18:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > "Fire Engines All Day Long" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > > > Yesterday my sister mailed out a check for $440 for a Korg Mono/Poly > > synthesizer I won on eBay. My parents don't know about it, but are certain > > to go apop when they hear news of it, > > Buy a kazoo! Smaller! Simpler! Cheaper! Wackier!!1!! NASA's new "Smaller, Simpler, Cheaper, Wackier" program got off the ground today with the launch of KAZOO-1, the first musical instrument to be sent into space. About the only difference between KAZOO-1 and an ordinary Earth kazoo is that KAZOO-1 does not have a membrane of common household tissue paper but of solid gold, and a price tag of fifty-eight billion dollars. NASA plans to launch twenty of these orbital space kazoos in advance of next year's mission to put twenty chimps into orbit. "Space Shuttle astronauts deserve to get wacky wakeup calls every morning," NASA Admiral Dan Goldin explained, "And with this plan the astronauts can wake up to the theme from '2001' being played by twenty chimps with super-expensive kazoos." -- K. Then crazy people started claiming the real purpose was for the kazoos to beam mind-control rays at people. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My recent articles are now slightly easier to find Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 10:23:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I've rearranged the files in my "Raw Data" archive at http://www.kibo.com/rawdata to be a little easier to wade through, as the list of batches of articles was getting too long for one screen. These files are just bundles of a week's worth of articles by me (and only me) in plain text form (with a few duplicates here and there because the batches overlap by a day or so in order to not miss anything.) This includes only articles I've posted in the last two years, just for those of you who miss a few articles when you're out of town, or have flaky newsfeeds, or otherwise want to look up what I've said lately. New batches of articles are uploaded approximately once a week. Because each file contains massive amounts of text on many subjects, a lot of Boolean search-engine queries ("find all pages mentioning both 'Pez' and 'diarrhea'") have been finding these files -- hopefully by moving them around I haven't inconvenienced too many people. I expect to get nasty notes from people complaining they couldn't find my Web page about Pez And Diarrhea. I assume the search engines will eventually find where I moved the files. -- K. This article mentions Pez and diarrhea and liverwort. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two giant metal objects crash from sky in South Africa Date: Mon, 1 May 2000 22:15:47 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp l'AFP just wire-serviced: > > CAPE TOWN, May 1 (AFP) - Two giant metal objects, one weighing > around 100 kilos, fell from the sky and onto farmland in the Cape > region of South Africa, press reports said Monday. > A white-hot metal sphere weighing around 30 kilos crashed into a > field near Worcester, 70 kilometers (43 miles) northwest of Cape > Town last Thursday, reported The Star newspaper. > A farmworker reported hearing a double bang shortly before the > ball hit the ground, said the paper. > "The witnesses said it was white hot when it landed. It appears > to be solid iron and there is a section which contains bolts. I dont > know what it could be," a police spokesman said. > A larger, oblong object measuring betwen one and one and a half > meters in width and weighing around 100 kilos landed Friday on > farmland close to Durbanville, again preceeded by a double bang, > according to witness accounts. > The objects, which it was speculated could be the debris of an > old satellite, ...assuming satellites ever consisted of "solid iron" balls and that a "giant metal object" of "solid iron" would weigh only 30 kilograms... ...also, I understand that meteors are cold by the time they hit. There's a lot of wind moving past 'em. The popular conception is that they always stay red-hot after the hit, but the truth is that if they don't burn up completely, the wind cools them down to normal temperature after they slow down to a few hundred miles an hour. (I wish I could dig up the reference where I read this, because I know nobody's going to believe me.) There are pieces of Skylab which obviously didn't get "white-hot", with insulation and stuff that didn't burn up. Besides, if these chunks of scrap metal really did fall from the sky while "white-hot" they would probably have gone "splat" when they hit... > were taken to Cape Town airport but are expected to > be moved to Pretoria for examination by the South African Bureau of > Standards, a civil aviation spokesman said. Wouldn't the time to pull this hoax have been around the time Skylab came down in 1979, or a few years from now when Mir burns up? I think everyone else who is desperate for media attention but too stupid to fake anything realistic has moved on to finding live mice holding syringes inside empty Pepsi cans inside Taco Bell tacos. -- K. HEY LOOK I JUST FOUND A SOLID GOLD BALL TWELVE FEET IN DIAMETER, WEIGHING OVER SIX POUNDS!!! QUICK, TAKE IT TO THE CAPE TOWN AIRPORT WHERE THE SCIENTISTS WILL GIVE ME A MILLION DOLLARS! AND SOME FREE TACOS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two giant metal objects crash from sky in South Africa Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 04:37:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > Now being a simple country doctor I don't know nuttin' about silicon based > > life forms but I can tells ya that the space shuttle is still pretty dang > > warm to the touch when it returns to earth. One might even say that heavy > > duty oven mitts would be in order. > > Well, yeah, but the space shuttle is designed to *not* lose ninety > percent of its mass on the way down. That's what impressed me the most about the Mercury, Gemini, and Apollo capsules on display in the lobby of the National Air & Space Museum -- they were kind enough to mount them all on their sides so we can look at what little is left of their heat shields. I was absolutely astounded at the Apollo 11 command module's heat shield, which was burned away to such an extent that there was clearly almost no safety margin, if they had been just a little hotter (or been hot for a little longer) they would clearly have not survived. And of course for the heat shield to work this reliably with these low tolerances it had to be absolutely flawless -- it consisted of a metal honeycomb mesh where each of the little holes had heat-resistant ceramic pumped into it, and then they had to X-ray each cell and if they found an air bubble they had to drill it out and redo it. If there had been even one air pocket in any of the hundreds of thousands of cells, Apollo 11 would have been this little wad of white-hot metal which would have _really_ splattered in South Africa. Also, after Apollo 11 splashed down and Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin got a heroes' welcome, they forgot to take Michael Collins out of the capsule. You can see him still strapped into his seat. Gus Grissom's de-barnacled Liberty Bell 7 capsule should be coming to Boston in about three years, I'm looking forward to going to go see it and then accidentally opening the museum's emergency exit door. (Apparently they still haven't settled the issue of whether the door blew open on its own or whether he pushed the destruct button.) It's owned by the Kansas City Cosmosphere so you can't see it in the same place as Glenn's and Armstrong's capsules in Washington DC. Next time you're in the Air & Space Museum, play the fun game of "Can you find two completely different things named 'Pioneer 10' in the same room?" -- K. Then see if you can rip apart the spare Apollo 8 lander with your bare hands. It looks almost as flimsy as a Panasonic product! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two giant metal objects crash from sky in South Africa Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 03:56:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, after Apollo 11 splashed down and Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin > > got a heroes' welcome, they forgot to take Michael Collins out of the > > capsule. You can see him still strapped into his seat. > > Well, DUH. That's why they had to put it in the Air and Space Museum. > He was the museum's first director, and he commanded the whole place from > inside his little command module. He'd only take his helmet off to chow > down on some tasty, pumice-like Astronaut Ice Cream from the gift shop. > Interns had to bring it to him, and they had to wash their hands if they > had touched the moon rock you can touch. I would have licked it if that NASA SS officer hadn't been standing guard a foot away. So I just touched it. Here's what a moon rock feels like: +--------+ | | touch here ------> | | <------ then pretend this is colder and greasier | | +--------+ The touchable moon rock is an isosceles triangle about one inch by half an inch, and is embedded in the Formica veneer of the tabletop. What a ripoff! I want my Smithsonian admission back!!! I'm never going to touch another touchable moon rock ever again... I'm going back to touching plain ordinary tektites from my back yard. -- K. And they never found out what happened to Michael Collins after he reached into V'Ger and was then covered with glowing wads of cotton that made scratches all over the lens. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Two giant metal objects crash from sky in South Africa Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 04:19:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Now being a simple country doctor I don't know nuttin' about silicon based > life forms but I can tells ya that the space shuttle is still pretty dang > warm to the touch when it returns to earth. One might even say that heavy > duty oven mitts would be in order. Well, yeah. And a meteor the size of Texas would be pretty hot after it hit the Earth, too. I should have clarified that I was speaking of small objects, like the thirty-kilogram solid sphere of iron (which would probably be about the size of a small cannonball.) > For proof all you need to do is catch some video of a night landing when > the infrared images show that the leading edges of the aerosurfaces are > still glowing as the orbiter turns on to the HAC just a couple minutes > prior to touchdown. Also, the orbiter is covered in that ceramic stuff with a very very very low thermal transfer coefficient, as is evidenced by the standard demo film where J. Arthur Nasa Nerd holds up a cube of it which is cold on the outside but still glowing orange on the inside. The Shuttle is designed not to transfer heat to/from the atmosphere, whereas a ball of solid iron would fritter all its heat away really fast as the wind blew past it. > Of course this may not extrapolate to meteorites and items that pretty much > come screaming down in an uncontrolled and pretty dang steep re-entry on > their way to crushing Austrian jack rabbits. But maybe it does. But what > do I know, I'm just a simple country fry cook. So, here's another question: Let's assume the giant solid iron sphere weighing 30 kilos is about the size of a small cannonball, six inches across. Now, the guy claimed it was glowing _white_, which would suggest a temperature which is very high (I don't have a book I can look it up in, but I would expect this temperature to be on the order of a thousand degrees F.) If this thing allegedly re-entered from space, how many seconds would it be in the atmosphere for? And given the rate heat propagates through steel, how many seconds would it take to heat up the whole ball? And how would a white-hot (essentially, somewhat molten) steel ball act when dropped onto the ground from a great height? -- K. I could fake a better Space Bowling Ball than those guys in South Africa. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: `Survivor' Contestant Charged Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 05:02:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press told me: > > MIDDLETOWN, R.I. (AP) -- A contestant newly back from filming the > reality TV show ``Survivor'' was charged with child abuse after he > allegedly forced his son to go jogging, then roughed up the boy > when he stopped. > Richard Hatch, 39, turned himself in after his son, a > fourth-grader, told administrators at his school that his father > assaulted him. "He beats me when he gets drunk on ambrosia and then says 'frack' a lot while playing Pyramid with the other Colonial Warriors for centons at a time!" > Hatch, a management consultant who specializes in team building > and conflict resolution, OH MY GOD! IT *IS* THE GUY FROM "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"! I'M SORRY! I APOLOGIZE FOR ACCIDENTALLY MAKING FUN OF THE REAL GUY FROM "BATTLESTAR GALACTICA"! I ONLY MEANT TO MAKE FUN OF SOME LOSER WITH THE SAME NAME! Seriously, from Richard Hatch's official Web site: -> I would like to introduce myself; my name is Richard Hatch. -> You may remember me from my starring roles on All My Children, -> Streets of San Francisco, and Battlestar Galactica. For the past -> several years, I have been traveling around the country speaking -> and teaching success strategies, personal and business communication, -> moving from fear to self-mastery, unleashing your creative vision, -> and becoming a powerful communicator for speakers, teachers or -> anyone who wants to communicate in a more dynamic and effective way. (However, I think he's actually a little older than 39. So, now I'm worried: There is a guy who has the same name _and_ same occupation as the "Battlestar Galactica" guy, only he has two strikes against him: He's a child-beater and he was never on "Battlestar Galactica". They should put him in jail for being a child abuser, and then they should extend his sentence for not being on "Battlestar Galactica".) > had just returned home after spending 40 days marooned on a > remote tropical island off Borneo being filmed for the CBS show, > set to air beginning later this month. > The 9-year-old boy told police Hatch woke him at 4:30 a.m. > Thursday to go running because he wanted the boy to lose weight. > The boy said he got tired and started walking, when Hatch pulled > him by the ear and wrapped his hands around his neck to move him > along. > Police said the boy had red marks on his right ear, around his > throat and on his upper arms, along with a scrape on his forehead > and right knee. > Hatch remains free on $10,000 personal recognizance. He did not > return a message Monday seeking comment. The boy is in temporary > state custody until the case is resolved. And what about his pet robotic dog with a chimp inside? > Hatch was among a group of 16 people left on the remote island > in March to live without running water or electricity. The > ``castaways'' built rattan huts, caught fish and grilled rats for > protein and, every three nights, the contestants voted to eject > someone from the community. It was not known how long Hatch lasted. > The final person left at the end will get $1 million. ...which they can use to make a trailer for any movie they want as long as it's based on "Battlestar Galactica". > CBS spokesman Chris Ender said Monday the show would go forward > as planned with Hatch in it. ``Survivor'' will be aired weekly > starting May 31. > The network has said that 6,000 people applied to be on the > show. It said it interviewed 800 people, then flew 48 to Los > Angeles for 10 days of grilling and six hours of psychological > tests before selecting eight men and eight women. I say they should do a show where Richard Hatch marries Darva Conger. And then at the divorce trial, one juror will keep showing up in a "Star Trek" uniform. -- K. But that juror would get into a fistfight with Ed Begley Jr. when he shows up dressed as Ensign Greenbean. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Whoosh! Super Improved Kontext-Away Visits Alt.Sci.Physics.New-Theories! Date: Tue, 2 May 2000 06:14:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Oh no! Somehow, Super Improved Kontext-Away got loose in alt.sci.physics.new-theories and has eradicated all of today's posts from Wild E. Cyote, except for the funny parts! Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > if your intelect thinks light is a fle shower you have te right to tell > us what you think troll So, do you wear an aluminum foil flea collar to protect yourself from annoying flea showers? Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > A simple way to make superconductors and > graviry machines OH NO! WE CAN'T SHUT THE GRAVIRY MACHINE OFF! IT'S COVERING THE WHOLE TOWN IN RICH, BEEFY GRAVY! WE'LL HAVE TO EVACUATE THE TOWN! EVERYONE INTO THE CHUCK WAGON! > [...] > > ducks can trade memories with transfusions !!! Maybe you should get a transfusion to see if you get the intelligence of a duck. Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > ozzy steals his writings. he is a fraud. > out of my deapest darkest ming. You know, Buckminster Fuller is more lucid than you... ...AND HE'S DEAD! Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > [...] > > I told you I could seed tect... I promise I won't make fun of this until I figure out what it means. -- K. Is that some new form of encryption the CIA can't crack? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Whoosh! Super Improved Kontext-Away Visits Alt.Sci.Physics.New-Theories! Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 08:29:25 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Quinn Inuit (quinn_inuit@POINGyahoo.com) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > > > > > > > A simple way to make superconductors and > > > > graviry machines > > > > > > OH NO! WE CAN'T SHUT THE GRAVIRY MACHINE OFF! IT'S COVERING THE > > > WHOLE TOWN IN RICH, BEEFY GRAVY! WE'LL HAVE TO EVACUATE THE TOWN! > > > EVERYONE INTO THE CHUCK WAGON! > > > > Yes, Kibo, but WHAT KIND of gravy? > > Can I say it? Please? Only if I can say "liverwort". -- K. EWW, LIVERWORT GRAVY! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a girl and relativity Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 08:38:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Today's science theory, from alt.sci.physics.new.theories. Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > A girl is suppose to be not flat all over to have a big area. You know, if Mike Nelson weren't so gay, he would talk about girls' areas all the time on "Mystery Science Theater 3000". Or the nuttier version, "Alt Science Theater 3000". -- K. So, Kurt, do you like your girls to have positive or negative curvature all over? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a girl and relativity Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 04:30:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Weird people run into the world on the internet. I agree, although it took me a minute to figure out what you meant until I realized that you accidentally added an extra word to that sentence. "into". > Normal people need to watch out. The thinking of normal people can > change if they are around weird people. Most of the people I meet are > not like people on the internet. May be the weird people need to > use the internet because people around them will not associate with them. > The world would be better for good normal people without the internet. Okay, Kurt, please clarify your position for me by checking one box in each row: BAD GOOD INTERNET --------> [ ] [ ] COMPUTERS -------> [ ] [ ] WEBTV -----------> [ ] [ ] FAX MACHINES ----> [ ] [ ] SMELLOVISION ----> [ ] [ ] POKEMON ---------> [ ] Thank you for participating. > The internet is good for bad people and weird people. > > There are not a lot of normal people associated with these physics groups. > These physics groups are a weird mess. That's because of all the gunge! I don't mind Wild E. Cyote dumping buckets of green slime over fashion models in bikinis, I just wish he'd mop it up once in a while. It keeps going rancid. Do you know how hard it is to win a Nobel prize for doing scientific research while standing hip-deep in goopy gunge? > A person does not need to take physics classes to know a lot about physics. > I do not go by how many physics classes a person has taken. > > I know why there are lot of bad people associated with these physics > groups. I know why there are a lot of fools associated with these physics > groups. I know why there are a lot of people who do not know a lot about > physics associated with these physics groups. God has sent them. God > wanted to make these physics groups bad. > > God is creating justice. If these physics groups were good there would not > be justice. I... see... so... God... sent... you... to... post... to... the... Internet... to... punish... us... for... reading... posts... by... wackos? -- K. P.S. What did you get on your SATs? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.bondage.particle-physics From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a girl and relativity Date: Thu, 4 May 2000 04:38:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > [apparently in reply to Simon Clark, but we don't know because > Mr. Stocklmeir doesn't know how to quote or attribute] > > I was making it up. I did not know people said it before me. I could say > more but some girls will get me. They would find me and torture me. Waah! I tried to read <> magazine to learn about Oprah's new plan for shooting all the beef in the world into space, but it turned out that <> was filled with pictures of rubber nuns spanking Kurt Stocklmeir with spiked Ping-Pong paddles in a bathtub full of leather-flavored Jell-O! In those four snippy little sentences, Kurt has simultaneously ruined physics and S&M forever! -- K. P.S. Hopefully Wild E. "Cyote" will show up here and say "gunge" now. He deserves the Nobel Prize For Gunge! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who Made God?1234 Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 09:05:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "Doris Frazier" (toasjeferson@webtv.net) wrote: > > The energy presure of space is the diferance > between the reaction time of gunpowder on earth and in space . There is > less energy presure near earth because some of the space that makes up > earth is condenced. Space is not empty. > By the way. Is my spelling and english improving? A 13 year old can > spell beter but can they tell you what EI wished he could tell you? A 13 year old can usually spell both his real name and his pseudonym correctly, and can figure out whether they're a boy or a girl, Mr. "Cyote" / Mr. "Jeferson" / "Doris". By the way, could you please tell us some more about the scientist you call "EI"? -- K. Was he the scientist in that Steven Spielberg movie, "TE"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ADVANCED BEINGS CAN CAUSE DROUGHT Date: Wed, 3 May 2000 10:50:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.astrology, "Intelligences" (intelligences@my-deja.com) wrote: > > ADVANCED BEINGS CAN CAUSE DROUGHT > > We post this for the BENEFIT of the TRADITIONAL peoples of India > who have suffered in recent years because of bad weather, such > as DROUGHT, cyclones and other NATURAL phenomena that occur when > human GOVERNMENTS are making fatal mistakes: > > There are ADVANCED BEINGS who can modify any physical substance > to conform to THEIR plans to defend the Planet from human evil. > > For example, when the SOCIALIST Governments of mainland China or > North Korea are busy creating nuclear weapons, then ADVANCED > BEINGS can cause excess RAIN and FLOODS to occur. > > ADVANCED BEINGS can do this with ease because THEY have THESE > abilities. > > Also, ADVANCED BEINGS are in control of the UFO phenomena. [...it goes on about other important subjects, but I omitted most of the middle of the article because you people are already familiar with the way the flying saucers are harassing the people of India...] > One has only to look at the CORRELATION between World Government > plans to destroy Iranian oil platforms in the Gulf of Iran in > October 1987 and the MASSIVE STORM that hammered Britain's > buttocks to see what Nature's Advanced Beings can do in times of > human serpentine deviationism. Her Majesty's new tourism slogan: "Britain. The Country That Has Buttocks." > The time has come: > > STOP MONKEY A WHITE PEOPLE > > and Big Money Rubes who rule over a White People. > > NO EINSTEIN BOMB! I'M GONNA SIC THE STOP MONKEY ON THAT EINSTEIN GUY! LET THE STOP MONKEY OUT OF THE OFFICIAL STOP MONKEY SACK! GO MAUL EINSTEIN, MY LITTLE STOP MONKEY! EINSTEIN, I'M OPENING A SACK OF STOP MONKEY ON YOUR BUTTOCKS! OH NO, EINSTEIN KILLED MY STOP MONKEY! HE'S GONE TO STOP MONKEY HEAVEN! NOW I'LL HAVE TO PUT A REPLACEMENT STOP MONKEY IN MY STOP MONKEY SACK! I JUST HOPE THE REPLACEMENT STOP MONKEY STORE IN THE REPLACEMENT ANIMAL MALL IS STILL OPEN! OH NO, THE STORE IS CLOSED BECAUSE ALIENS ARE CONTROLLING STORE CLOSING TIMES! -- K. I will give one invisible dollar to the person who captures the first photograph of the Stop Monkey in its native habitat, Stop Land... THE COUNTRY WITHOUT BUTTOCKS!