Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My first trip to The Land Of Lutefisk. Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 07:57:03 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I just got back from the great state of Minnesota, with only a few mosquito bites and no other major damage (Minnesota didn't make my feet bleed the way Las Vegas did.) I didn't have any run-ins with hat-throwing pants-wearing women. Things I went to see: * White Castles that have "onion chips" instead of "onion rings". * The Mall Of America. Largest mall in North America unless you define "North America" as including Canada. Home of Camp Snoopy, one of the two "World's Largest Indoor Amusement Park"s I've been in this month. * The Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices, or as I call it, "The Wacky Quackhouse". * The Minneapolis Science Museum. * Lutefisk. * And to look for random badly-lettered signs, tipsy orange cones, or crazy ex-pro-wrestler governors to photograph. The trip was mostly successful, except for the lutefisk. I found no lutefisk. YAY!!! Lefse was plentiful but I didn't eat any because I didn't have any lutefisk to ruin it with. Another fun food I ate was a "Country Fried Steak" entree which was actually chicken (making this the only part of the country I've ever been in where chicken-fried steak contains chicken matter.) Also, I ate Kentucky Fried Chicken in Kentucky. (Because I flew to Minnesota through Cincinnati, which is in Kentucky.) You may be surprised to learn that they omit ten of the eleven secret herbs and spices even in Kentucky. CURSE YOU, TRICON GLOBAL, A DIVISION OF THE TRILATERAL COMMISSION! In Minnesota, I saw lots of Bloomington, Richfield, Minneapolis, and St. Paul. I did not see Governor Wrestler, although I did eat some White Castle burgers within throwin' distance of the state capitol. (I ate at three White Castles, all of which had different wallpaper.) The Museum Of Questionable Medical Devices is small but wonderful. I paid three dollars to have my head run through an automated phrenology machine which diagnosed my level of sexamity. However, there were certain exhibits I was happy to look at but not touch -- starting with the radium suppositories. If you are ever in Minneapolis, be sure to stop in at the MoQMD. (It's free, but you have to pay a small fee if you want to have your head examined.) It's on the north shore of the Mississippi, half a mile from the White Castle with the best wallpaper. (While crossing the river from downtown, turn on your radio to hear all the stations change from "K___" to "W___".) The Minneapolis Science Museum (in St. Paul) is quite nice as science museums go. The exhibits would actually have been educational if I were young enough to need educatin', and very few of them were broken. Plus they had a picture of Jesse Ventura which turns evil when you turn it right-side-up, and a girl who sneezes on you when you open a door in her face. However, the most vital educational propa^H^H^H^H^Hsafety lesson I learned was at The Mall Of America, where the local electric company had set up a touch-screen "game" starring your friend and mine, Reddy Kilowatt! This terrifying jagged stick figure with electrical sockets where his ears should be hasn't changed in fifty years, except that his Converse high-top sneakers have been replaced by sneakers which have Velcro instead of laces. (Is it Archie Plutonium's patented Electric Velcro?) Reddy forced^H^H^H^H^H^Hhelped me to learn what number to call before I dig for treasure in Daddy's back yard, and showed me the right way to fill a swimming pool. Oh, so you have to remove the electric radio from it BEFORE you fill it! Once I had de-activated the deadly boom box, the bottom of the screen displayed Reddy's command to now "FILL THE POO." ("Welcome to the Ma of America! Notice there is no L in our poo!") The Mall of America is a perfectly ordinary Simon-brand mall stacked on top of another ordinary Simon-brand mall. Only, because they had some extra stores to fill up, they had to make up new categories of gifts that tourists might buy. Aside from several shops selling Minnesota-flavored souvenirs (one was named "Minnesot-ah!") they had four, count 'em, four Mall Of America "logo" shops. Unfortunately, they all had the same junk (I was hoping they'd have special mugs that said "I visited Mall Of America souvenir kiosk #3!") and also my IQ was too high to permit me to go in any part of the mall containing one. However, I did enjoy "As Seen On TV", a store which sells nothing but products which are advertised as NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY STORE! (I think they had a Ronco shaver used by barbers who don't shave themselves.) Camp Snoopy may or may not be the largest indoor amusement park in the world, but it doesn't compare to The Adventuredome (Circus Circus in Las Vegas) in terms of fun. Not only is it not attached to a casino, but it also lacks a certain thrill factor -- even Walt Disney would call the rides tame. Most involve sitting in a little car that trundles around a perfectly circular track at a prudent speed. I get the feeling it's intended for small children. I avoided most of the rides, even the relatively exciting ones like "The Kite-Eating Tree", although I did pay for the cheapest attraction (squirting a water gun into the big fountain to make Charlie Brown's four swastika-shaped legs revolve as Lucy pulls away the football when she's wet enough.) All the rides feature wiggly drawings of Snoopy and Charlie Brown, except for one where you get to ride in a giant Viking axe. Oh, and if you get thirsty, there's a giant Snoopy water dish at the entrance. The Mall Of America also has a small Lego store^H^H^H^H^Hpark, which is decorated with giant version of Lego models made from giant Lego bricks which are made from thousands of little Lego bricks. Thus, Legos are recursive, possibly down to the atomic level. There were some models on display which were so wonderful that they would have made me cry I were nine years old, because there's no way a normal human could build that Lego Death Star without their own lifetime supply of fifty thousand little gray bricks. (In their three-foot-wide diorama of all scenes from all three "Star Wars" movies which didn't feature Jar Jar, if you look really closely, you can find a tiny Lego George Lucas filming a movie using advanced Lego technology.) They also have a five-foot-long Lego blimp hanging over the south food court, which is cute until you realize that a five-foot-long ball of solid plastic bricks weighs more than the average boulder. AND YOU CAN SEE THE STRINGS HOLDING IT UP! While strolling through the Mall Of America's parking garage, I found someone's wallet where muggers had tossed it on the ground. I dutifully returned it to The Rent-A-Cops Of America. All in all, it was a fun trip, although the machine didn't think the bumps on my head were sexy enough. I haven't yet added up all the numbers on my chart to see which occupations my head is most qualified for, but I sense that low sexamity points to the "Zeppelin Attendant" column. -- K. Sexamity good. Vegemity bad. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My first trip to The Land Of Lutefisk. Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 01:24:12 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Yngvar Folling (yngvar.folling@hl.telia.no) wrote: > > Greetings from The *Real* Land Of Lutefisk. > > Eck. Stomach made threatening noises at the sound of that word. > Forgive me while I hang over the toilet bowl for a minute. > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > I just got back from the great state of Minnesota, with only a few mosquito > > bites and no other major damage (Minnesota didn't make the feet bleed > > the way Las Vegas did.) > > I just got back from the toilet, with only a few gulping noises and no > other excreta (the word Lutefisk didn't make the stomach churn the way > Raspeballer did.) > > Urp. Forgive me one more moment. "Raspeballer"? Is that some weird collision between the words "raspberry" and "baller"? As in "people having sex with raspberries"? If so, I don't want to know about it, but I want you to tell everyone else on the Internet all about it. > > I didn't have any run-ins with hat-throwing pants-wearing women. > > > > Things I went to see: > > > > [...] > > I'm back. Did I miss anything important of your narrative? Of COURSE not. This is alt.religion.kibology, not alt.sci.physics.important! > > * Lutefisk. > > Excuse me. > > > Lefse was plentiful but I didn't eat any because > > I didn't have any lutefisk to ruin it with. > > LEFSE *WITH* LUTEFISK???? Are you totally flipping out of your poor > little mind?! All I know is that they're both Norwegian so I assume that all Norwegian food is mixed together at all times, because your country is so narrow. (And in Chile, everyone has to drink everything through a bendy straw.) > Frankly, do the Minnesotans really do that hideous unmentionable > combination? I can only think that they have some strange Norway > fetish, unmatched by any *real* Norwegians. Lefse is Norwegian, > L***fisk is Norwegian, therefore the most Norwegian of all must be... > > Do you realize what it feels like to need to vomit on an empty stomach? No, but I assume it TASTES better than lutefisk. -- K. What's wrong with lefse? Isn't it just potato bread? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My first trip to The Land Of Lutefisk. Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 05:56:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > Susan Parry Whelchel (peri@sprynet.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Things I went to see: > > > > > > * White Castles that have "onion chips" instead of "onion rings". > > > > Don't they have "onion chips" out east? You could have gotten them in > > Ohio and Michigan on your way to the lutefisk. > > Ok, I had a suspicion earlier, and a recent TV commercial confirmed it. > White Castles (at least in my area) now serve *chicken* *rings*. > > Yessir, ring form worked for the onion, nugget form worked for the > chicken, but let's think outside the box, people! Next up, curly onions, > curly chicken, chicken fries, onion fries, and a chicken or potato > blossom! Would you like some sour cream or butter on your baked onion? > Not enough salt on the mashed {onion|chicken}! White Castles break down like this: * Supermarket and convenience store -- frozen hamburgers with no pickle frozen cheeseburgers I won't eat frozen chicken sandwiches containing the world's smallest square, grilled chicken breast -- you can tell it's grilled because it has brown "grill flavor" sprayed on it * The Eastern United States -- hamburgers with one pickle cheeseburgers I won't eat chicken sandwiches containing a doughnut-shaped chicken nugget onion rings * Way out in Minnesota -- hamburgers with one pickle cheeseburgers I won't eat chicken sandwiches containing a triangular chicken nugget onion chips (actually, more gores than chips) So, there are three completely different White Castle chicken sandwiches. I haven't had the ring-shaped one yet (later this summer) but the other two are both vile in different ways. I like the burgers (I think a whole pickle slice is overkill with that tiny amount of meat, they should instead have a single fleck of pickle relish) and also the Deep Sea Sandwich (world's tiniest rectangular fish puck with no lettuce or mayo) is pretty good too. -- K. Still waiting for people to ask nicely for me to tell the story about my Brush With Stupidity in White Castle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.ascii-art From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My first trip to The Land Of Lutefisk. Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 04:48:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Bill Newcomb (nuke@best.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > White Castles break down like this: > > Someday a usenet poster will beable to post a message like this to > alt.ascii-art and say, "Does anyone have any ascii-art of a little car > with White Castle hamburgers for wheels where one of them is flat?" > and then get yelled at because White Castle hamburgers are square. But... all White Castles got five holes in them. I don't think you could drive as far on them as you could on, say, Nathan's Hot Dog Nuggets. > [...] > > > > onion rings > > Kibo answers. It's his dog Spot! But Spot's not allowed to use a > telephone! Especially to call Kibo on his electric onion! The worst part is that sometimes the onion rings after you've swallowed it. And then pooped it out. > > onion chips > > (actually, more gores than chips) > > Wha? A "gore" is the section of a sphere made by the intersection of two Great Circles, i.e. one of the fat-toothpick-shaped things they put next to each other to make world maps in the sixties. In Minnesota, they're too lazy to slice the onion crosswise to make rings, so they just slice it along lines of longitude to make onion slivers, as in onion gores, and they call 'em "onion chips". White Castle is weird! But only in Minnesota. > > Still waiting for people to ask nicely for me to tell the story > > about my Brush With Stupidity in White Castle. > > And your brush with stupidity in White Castle? What's up with *that*? See the other thread. -- K. Unless Tom Burman glued it to Leo Sgouros's eyeball. OH NOW, NOW I JUST INTERSECTED *THREE* THREADS! The concept of being able to sort my a.r.k archive into chronological order was RUINED! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: My first trip to The Land Of Lutefisk. Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 21:24:17 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp "Fantod" (fantod@geocities.com) wrote: > > > Brian Chase (bdc@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > "Never program a computer you can lift." -- Barry Shein > > > "Never program a computer you can't eat." "Never program a computer that people mention in their .signatures." -- Kibo -- Kibo Never program a computer that people mention in their .signatures. By the way, I like YOUR computer. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Why aren't I richer? Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 08:23:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > In alt.religion.kibology, sci.space.tech, sci.physics, > alt.religion.louis-nick, and rec.arts.sf.written, > Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > I think that all science fiction should be factual to within 6 percent. > > > > THERE OUGHT TO BE A LAW! > > Louis, congratulations on getting your post approved by the moderators > of sci.space.tech. In my never-ending quest to outdo Louis Nick, which I was on for about five minutes last week, I wrote the following post and submitted it to another moderated sci.* newsgroup (sci.physics.research) in order to also become a legitimized member of the scienteriffic community. Pending the approval of the article by whatever sort of weirdo they have moderating sci.physics.research, of course. It's a "moderated" newsgroup. This means you're Not Allowed to post there unless your article is moderately agreeable to the Scientific Cabal. Those fascist Communist pinko Satan-worshipping philatelist SCIENTOLOGISTS weren't even polite enough to reject my article before they threw it away! But have no fear. All is not lost. I saved the carbon paper I typed it on. So here it is... THE ARTICLE THAT SCI.PHYSICS.RESEARCH DOESN'T WANT YOU TO READ! From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Ping Newsgroups: sci.physics.research, alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 04 May 2000 00:54:20 -0400 In sci.physics.research, Ralph E. Frost (refrost@dcwi.com) wrote: > > What is within 22 to 24, and/or 44 to 48 light-years of the local center > of quantum gravity (Solar system; the Sun)? Me, several slices of toast, Siegfried & Roy, the birthplace of Mel TormŽ, the last surviving Hitler Pez dispenser, the concept of synergy, leftover water from Kevin Costner's "Waterworld", and parts of Canada. This is not intended to be a complete list, merely most of it. If you are also within 22 to 24 to 44 to 48 light-years of the Solar System, please add your name to the list above. -- K. It will be registered with the Library Of Congress, then you will be charged $20. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The Kibological Decade Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 08:35:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > As many of you may be aware, Nov. 2001 marks the ten-year > anniversary of the creation of the alt.religion.kibology > newsgroup. At this point in time, eighteen months before this > momentous celebration, I believe it is time to start planning the > activities with which we will commemorate the event that has > touched so many of us in so many places. This is an event which, > the Good Lord willing, will happen only once in a lifetime, and > should be celebrated appropriately. > > Ten years of Kibology! Who can believe that so much time has > passed since Kibo's head first exploded? A-hem. The tenth anniversary of Kibology was a few years ago, circa 1997. Those of us at The Cool Table were circulating samizdat Kibology on Xeroxed leaflets (on blue paper) back when we were in college for the first time, back when Ronald Reagan was not only President, but was also alive! The tenth anniversary of alt.religion.kibology is indeed in November 2001, but alt.religion.kibology didn't show up until a few years after The Movement started. BOW YOUR HEAD IN SHAME FOR NOT KNOWING THE GLORIOUS HISTORY OF OUR EXCUCIATING MOVEMENT! > These ten years have brought laughter and joy and endless mirth [...] Please stop plagiarizing stuff from that canned obit the Associated Press wrote just in case Bob Hope had died when he was ten. > Ten years of Kibology! Let's get together and relive the most > exciting, interesting, fulfilling part of our lives! And then > cry some more! The most fulfilling part of my life was when I relived the other parts. > Ten years of Kibology! Who can forget: > > - The Stillborn '91 > - The Great Famine of '92 > - The Vast Wasteland of '93 > - The Unusually Desolate Year of '94 > - The Drought of '95 > - The Deathly Quiet of '96 > - The Unusual Lacking of '97 > - The Bone-Chilling Long, Cold Winter that was '98 > - The Emotional Desert of '99 > > And 2000! Who could forget 2000! Certainly not me! Oh, the > times we've had! From the time when someone said something that > made someone else remember something funny they had heard once, > to... well, yesterday! YOU'LL FLIP YOUR DOT COM!!! -- K. Did anyone notice I was gone for five days just now? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.geo.meteorology,alt.movies From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What's the deal with "Twister"? Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 08:42:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > I watched the movie "Twister" this past weekend and was > astounded by some of the inaccuracies. Most of the movie > seemed fairly credible, but who did they consult about their > data gathering equipment? That is the kind of sentence one can only hear being spoken on the Internet, or in episodes of "The Simpsons" about the waddling comic-book-store guy. > I mean doesn't everybody know that a wind direction sensor > works by attaching the vane (which is generally made out of > flimsy styrofoam) to a variable resistor (or "pot" in the > lingo of the trade) and measuring the voltage across the > resistor? This scales linearly with the rotation of the > vane allowing your data collector to translate the voltage > reading to a direction. Obviously, these things must be > calibrated, usually by holding the vane due north and > measuring the output of the device. Clearly, driving > through fields, highways, ect will alter the heading thereby > negating the calibration. They even had them attached to > the various "Dorothy" modules. Surely once a tornado picked > it up, it would spin around and render the direction > readings meaningless. Depends on whether the potentiometer is the kind that can go all the way around or the more common kind that stops turning after two hundred seventy degrees, like the ones in "Super Breakout" for the Atari Video Computer System. DUH!!! Real weather people only use Atari brand equipment to keep their weathervanes from spinning around! Also, styrofoam ain't "flimsy" if you reinforce it with steel I-beams! > Also, they apparently had anemometers permenantly fixed to > the roofs of their vehicles. They looked like really cheap > ones, probably with a maximum integrity rating of 100 MPH. > So you're driving down the highway at 60 MPH into 40-50 MPH > wind gusts and SOCKO your cheap anemometer busts off. Not > to mention the fact that they would never withstand being > near an actual tornado with winds gusting in excess of 120 MPH. Just once I'd like to make an entire movie about scientists which would be completely accurate in every way except that they would use English units instead of Metric, just to make the sci.* newsgroups cry. > I don't get it. If they could get the rest of the movie as > close to accurate as they did, why did they totally screw up > the parts about the instrumentation? Because their bozosity detector was made of cardboard and caught fire and burned up after they waved it over the script. -- K. They used the leftover cardboard to make the characters. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,sci.geo.meteorology,alt.movies From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What's the deal with "Twister"? Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 08:49:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > > > I mean doesn't everybody know that a wind direction sensor > > works by attaching the vane (which is generally made out of > > flimsy styrofoam) to a variable resistor (or "pot" in the > > lingo of the trade) and measuring the voltage across the > > resistor? This scales linearly with the rotation of the > > vane allowing your data collector to translate the voltage > > reading to a direction. > > Get the director's cut, d00d. They do a whole explanation about how they > had a gyrocompass attached to the pot attached to the vane. And a midget > inside smoking the pot. And reading the compass. And riding inside the > gyro just like Space Camp. I'd just like to say that the Lego corporation has bowed to pressure from tough-talkin' science consultants and has designed their Space Simulation Station to whirl the astronaut around so that he's not sitting _sideways_ to the way the G-forces go the way everyone does during Bad Movie Astronaut Training. This means that the Lego G-force simulator looks ten times as realistic as the one in Ivan Tors's movie "Gog". -- K. I COULD BUILD A BETTER MOVIE OUT OF TINKERTOYS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What's the deal with "Twister"? Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 10:09:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Alex Suter (asuter@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > This means that the Lego G-force simulator looks ten times as realistic > > as the one in Ivan Tors's movie "Gog". > > What kind of a lunatic would make an entire movie using Lego figures? I don't think Mike Jittlov's a lunatic! Besides, the box said "for ages 6 and up" and so it's okay for him to still be playing with Legos at his age. I understand that for the big battle scene at the end he bought several hundred copies of the same set just to get enough little Viking helmets, and then he cleaned six Toys R Us outlets out of the "Naboo Swamp" set just to get enough spare Jar Jars to replace the ones that got melted by the magnifying glass. Also, the whole movie was filmed with a camera made out of Legos. OPAQUE Legos. TOP THAT! -- K. The only thing wrong with the movie was that all the incidental music was from old "Tennessee Tuxedo" cartoons. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: What's the deal with "Twister"? Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 22:42:29 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The only thing wrong with the movie was that all the incidental > > music was from old "Tennessee Tuxedo" cartoons. > > come on and see see see > > tennessee tuxedo > > see see see > > tennessee tuxedo > > he will be > > oh dammit, you've just ruined my day. how am i ever going to get that > out of my head now? Oh no! You just posted copyrighted lyrics on the Internet without paying royalties! This just means that now we're both banned from using Napster forever! Expect to turn on your TV soon to hear, "...said that disco sucks. In a related story, today Napster announced that it had banned all six billion people on Earth from using Napster, except for the three who use the online music-sharing service to listen only to public-domain sounds such as wind blowing and cellophane crinkling. Cellophane is a registered trademark of the Dow Chemical corporation. Elsewhere, Donato Dalrymple and Rick Rockwell were married..." -- K. I just hope that I don't get banned from the Web forever over that time I used it to see a picture that might have been copyrighted. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lego My Ego Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 05:13:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Alex Suter (asuter@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > > > What kind of a lunatic would make an entire movie using Lego figures? James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I don't think Mike Jittlov's a lunatic! Mike Jittlov (mike@wizworld.com) wrote: > > For my next movie, we'll have a Special Contest where > you guess how many Lego blocks were used to make all > the equipment and crew. Or you can't leave the theater. I'll SUE! That's like so totally obviously a total ripoff of my masterpiece, "Bloated Dead Dog!" Except for the part about Legos! But the part about being mean to the audience was my idea! Matt McIrvin gave it to me while we were watching "Embryo", a movie starring Rock Hudson and Dr. Joyce Brothers! > > The only thing wrong with the movie was that all the > > incidental music was from old "Tennessee Tuxedo" cartoons. > > But the kazoo orchestra was made from Legos! Top THAT, > James Cameron!!! Fun fact: The movie "Dondi" (1961, starring Arnold Stang) has a soundtrack consisting entirely of a single kazoo. Well, I think Stang and the kid talk, too. Stang went on to star in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" (as either Ray or Irwin, I forget), "Top Cat" (as Benny The Ball), and "Hercules Goes Bananas" (as the guy who's less inarticulate than his co-star, some poorly-dubbed weightlifter named "Arnold Strong".) ALL TRUE! I should know 'cause I've seen LOTS of bad movies! So, Mike, when are you releasing it! -- K. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go attend Andy Warhol's disco party on the Moon! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.mega-ego.yonderboy,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Lego My Ego Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 05:15:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com james dolan (jdolan@math.ucr.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [Arnold] Stang went on to star in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" > > (as either Ray or Irwin, I forget), "Top Cat" (as Benny The Ball), > > and "Hercules Goes Bananas" (as the guy who's less inarticulate than > > his co-star, some poorly-dubbed weightlifter named "Arnold Strong".) > > actually stang played top cat, imitating phil silvers's voice from > "sergeant bilko". maurice gosfield played benny the ball, imitating > the guy who played "private doberman" on the bilko show. Oh. Well, then, I don't like "Top Cat" any more. -- K. I used to think it was cutting-edge larf-a-minute animation! But then I timed it and discovered that there wasn't even any animation in most minutes. Also everyone had those huge angular butts like Yogi Bear and George Jetson. I get a headache from looking at pointy hinders. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shaking Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 08:56:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "red" (kipper@imap2.asu.edu) wrote: > > [...] SOOP-A-DOOP-DOOP! SUPER-SATURATED NEW KONTEXT-AWAY DISSOLVES CONTEXT IN A HAIL OF BULLETS MADE OF ACTUAL HAIL! > and go easy with kontext-away on this post, will ya? SHOOP-SHOOP-A-DOOP! KONTEXT-AWAY SLOWLY ERODES BACK INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE! -- K. Any posting containing "easy with Kontext-Away" is suitable for defacement, easy with Kontext-Away! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Whoosh! Super Improved Kontext-Away Visits Alt.Sci.Physics.New... Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 09:18:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Wild gets ready for round 3. What do you mean by "round 3"... did you pass a law saying that's the official value of pi in your world? > The post list are up and one days irationalisation is the next topic in > sci ,physics. That's odd, I see a "sci.space.shuttle" but no "sci.space.comma.physics". > Just because I say it you think about it. > Even if you disagree or my spelling sucks. I disagree! Your spelling doesn't always suck. You spelled "my spelling sucks" perfectly! > But when a point is made you all stand silent. > I can scribe repulsion of your prsumtuous misinterpretation of reality > physics. Does prsumtuous go good on bumbass? -- K. V jbaqre vs fbzrqnl gurer jvyy [LOOK! ROT-13!] ---> or na hctenqr gung jvyy yrg JroGIf ernq EBG-13. V fhccbfr gurl'q unir gb qbhoyr gur cebprffvat cbjre... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I vote to bring back Archie Pu (was Re: Attn. Wild-E-Cyote A re... Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 09:26:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > all your bull is irelevent. It dose not mater. Do you hab a code ib your dose? > Dose the detection of a squark from 10000 locations at the same time > see a wave or partical ? The three essential eating utensils at Kentucky Fried Chicken in The Other Universe: the squark... the spork... and the foon. > Any 12 or 13 year old from the usa can corect my spelling. No, that's above the maximum age at which they'd be allowed to use a WebTV. Perhaps I can send over a nine-year-old to help you operate your WebTV. > All you can answer mac or jack is the second question. You dont > understand the first question. Can you read the first question mac ? > That was another one mac...OOPPS!! They make Macs in funny colors, but I think they've started making WebTVs in different flavors. Hey, Dr. "Cyote", what flavor is your WebTV when you lick it? -- K. Or have you stopped licking your WebTV? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I vote to bring back Archie Pu (was Re: Attn. Wild-E-Cyote A reply...) Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 08:06:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > I would like to hereby cast my vote to get rid of Wild-E-Cyote and bring > back Archimedes Plutonium. My reasoning is this: Archie Pu was a MUCH > more lifelike bot. You could read his posts and easily pick up on the > comic content about Plutonium Atom Totality and stuff; whatsmore, most > of his "words" were spelled correctly. This Wild-E-Cyote character > y'all have created is just plain tedious! He seems more like a bot > pretending to be a 12 year old kid using his dad's WebTV pretending to > be a famous scientist. The ArchieBot was wildly popular from 1993 until 1998, when it developed a tiny bit of sentience and realized that people had been making fun of it for five years. Then it decided to take a vacation from acting like a bozo. Rumor has it that it the ArchieBot been replaced by an _ordinary_ dishwasher. Now, if the ArchieBot would come out of retirement long enough to resurrect The Alexander Abian Robo-Inertia-Haver 2000, that would be a great boon to humanity. Because if there's one thing humans like to see, it's a robot yelling "TIME HAS INERTIA! TIME HAS INERTIA! WHAT IS PURE CHEWING SATISFACTION?" -- K. This post was underwritten by a generous grant from People Who Miss Manley Hubbell And Like Saying The Word "Liverwort". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Exsperiment 2 observations. Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 09:30:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > You cant be shure you are looking at one photon ...OK . But exspain the > detection of a squark . Deap underground the value of one squark is > recorded from 10000 angels. > The total value of a squark is one squark > so they saw a wave. I disagree. The total value of one squark is wun quark. -- K. Va na negvpyr yvxr gung, vg jbhyq [ROT-13] --> or rnfvre sbe zr gb znxr sha bs gur pbeerpgyl-fcryyrq jbeqf, fb V pbhyq vtaber gur znwbevgl bs vg. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: big bang Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 09:45:18 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > It is bad scienceto acelarate one thing or a few things and draw a > conclusion for all things. > This is what physics predicted befor the sound beirior was broken. OH NO! THEY'VE BROKEN THE SOUND BEERIER! THIS MEANS WE'LL ALL HAVE TO SWITCH TO DRINKING ZIMA! > Would objects in a gravitational propusion craft be relitive to the > earths gravity or to the center of the craft. Even thou the objects in > the craft are going faster than light in the earths field their conetic > energy is not relitive t earth but to the craft . I don't like your evenner-than-thou attitude! > The man in an airplain at mock 4 can talk to the co piolet. And he can flush the tilot. > Here is a clue to wave interaction and the conductor. > Its not the force around the object that might > turn and atom into ef at light speed . THAT'S ONE EFF'ING ATOM! > It is not having an oposing force .. the force thhat it takes to pull > an atom apart is = to the force pushing it together. > Befor the airforce flew faster than sound and all the physicsist > agreed it was imposible.... > the airforce noted that it is easy to spin a weel faster tan sound and > did so . Seeing that the weel was still intact at mock 4 they lauphed at > te face of presumtion in physics giving way to exsperimentation. Let's sort that last sentence into piles: Seeing weel that mock the lauphed was te still presumtion intact exsperimentation at 4 they at face of in physics giving way to 17/23 = 74% of the words spelled right but 62/105 = 59% of the letters are in words which are spelled right You might want to consider working on your statistics. For instance, you could try misspelling only long words. It's a waste of your talents to misspell "the" when you could be coming up with an exciting new sequel to "lauphed". > Now exsperiments sugest a charge is just a vibration like ringing. That the > magnetic field is wave interaction. All within a conductor. And that conductor is... John Williams! And he's talking to the co-pilot! And they're both making fun of you at Mock 4! > The properties of the shell of the craft will deturmond if it is posible to > exsead light speed. The bubles of condenced energy > or atoms packed till no space remains between the atoms has no force to > push them apart if the outside force is removed. > A gas cant go faster than sound. But steel can. Steel can exsead the > speed of sound in steel. Clear steel is mush diferant to steel. But my new Steel Gas can go faster than sound because it's simply rock-hard steel in convenient vapor form. SO!!! THERE!!! However, I see excellent marketing opportunities for a new hot cereal based on your imaginary invisible steel, using your slogan "Clear steel is mush". > It is more clear than air. Itis as clear as space. > Now exsperimentation and observation takes president over physics > speculation. VOTE FOR AL GORE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE SUBATOMIC WORLD!!! > Its not what you think its what you observe. On the Internet, it's normally _who_ you observe, except when one is observing a total bumbass. -- K. [LOOK! A BONUS SENTENCE IN ROT-13!] Gb qrpbqr guvf grkg, whfg hfr gur "EBG-13" srngher lbhe JroGI qbrfa'g unir. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: big bang Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 01:03:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph@pcisys.no.spam.dammit.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > > > > > Would objects in a gravitational propusion craft be relitive to the > > > earths gravity or to the center of the craft. Even thou the objects in > > > the craft are going faster than light in the earths field their conetic > > > energy is not relitive t earth but to the craft . > > > I don't like your evenner-than-thou attitude! > > Forget the attitude, I want to know more about this "conetic enegy"! > Is this where orange cones get their power? Does this mean that the > objects in the craft are orange cones, or did some other object manage > to acquire conetic energy? If orange cones have power, then why do people need to put up so many of them everywhere? I think of them as Post-It Notes that can't be written on, and are even more likely to fall off whatever you put them on and blow away. Also more disposable. The real power is from those black garden hoses that go "ding!" when you drive over them at the gas station! Every car squeezes that thing, so you'd just have to connect it to some kind of generator and then you'd have a limitless source of free energy! It takes no energy whatsoever to allow cars to run over the hose, so you could set up hundreds of these and live like a king! In fact, you could tether these hoses to a squeezing-powered engine which you could then install in your car, and drive around trailing the hoses behind you, so that your car would be powered by other people driving over your hoses! In fact, you could attach the hoses to your front bumper so that your car would generate its own energy! The only drawback is that you'd need earmuffs so you wouldn't get tired of hearing "ding! ding! ding! ding!" -- K. Maybe he meant "cosmetic energy", the kind of energy which looks really pretty but doesn't do anything. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God fails to comment on the Higgs boson Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 09:51:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Taping all the elements with a hamer god can tell by the sound they make > which is which. How do you get the tape to stick to the helium? > If man couldnt hear all the diferant sounds would apear as diferant > particals. Unless he was also blind! HA! I have just destroyed your brilliant theory, whatever it was! > Every time you here a new sound a new mistery arives with much > confusion. ...such as the ever-confusing Mistery Rogers, who teaches kids that they can make peanut butter from peanuts and butter and a zeppelin! > They know not the realities around them. > Its too simple. > The patern of a magnetic field can be identical of a sounds patern in > water. > ( read snowball for nasgut. ) > If emf is a wave . And light a sound . Then so many sounds are hard to > distinggwish . That last word looks like it's still going "SPROING-NG-NG!!!" Wake me when it stops vibrating and picks a spelling. > Enlish su**s . I wonder which two letters he bleeped out. Is one of them a "Q"? > Just another noise god tells mandkind. I'm sorry, I can't hear you. God just sat on my Whoopee Cushion. -- K. [BEGIN HIGHLY SECRET ROT-13 SECTION] V jbaqre vs Qe. "Plbgr"'f CuQ vf erny be vs fbzrbar whfg tnir uvz na ubabenel qrterr va gevohgr gb uvf oevyyvnag zvaq. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A Rock Found In Florida Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 09:54:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Wild-E-CyotePHD@webtv.net wrote: > > Ihave rocks with spent uraineum that is exstint. > The iron one changed my life. Please send us a note when you find a rock that changes your underwear. > Iron without a grain. It has a swirl twards the center. You mean a marbel? > Polished it looks like a galexsy or huricain. Or a marbal? > How did the inside cool first and in space ? > I can tell by exspieriance what iron cooled first in any cast by its > grain. Why didnt it cool on the outside first. ? Because it's a merbal? -- K. Is your brain an immie or an outie? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: RELATIVITY MADE SIMPLE (update) Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 10:01:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Simon Clark 2000 (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Um, Georgie? Your update is a little out of date. I refuted your little > theory in sci.physics.relativity a few days ago. Remember? Oh, no, sorry. > Don't bother to answer that. I forgot. You're not speaking to me! (Lucky > me!) And then George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > Anyone who thinks he can refute an axiomatic law of physics > (NB: that Poisson is the equivalent of EFE) is de facto > a pedantic asshole. > Anyone who would feign to call me "georgie" is a fag > mutherfuck'n prig puke fuckin asshole. Since you've done both faggie, > that's why I don't talk to you... you have nothing original to say.. > just taperecorded college textbook spute. Go ahead... try and insult > me asswipe.. you'll spend a lifetime trying... puke. > spute All that after your mommy called your "Georgie" for the first three years of your life. It's mean of you to call your mama a "spute"! But I agree, if you don't want to be called "Georgie", then people shouldn't call you "Georgie", Cubey. -- K. Please pick one: GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE GEORGIE ...or: CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY CUBEY I like the second one because it's denser. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: If that guy had been a Kibologist... Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 10:35:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > As has been POUNDED INTO MY HEAD repeatedly, everyone in the world is > already a KIBOLOGIST, it's just that not everyone has the knowledge of > their true KIBO NATURE. > > So how do we go about ENCOURAGING THE DISSEMINATION OF THIS VITALLY > IMPORTANT INFORMATION? How do we make the unwashed masses AWARE OF THEIR > KIBO NATURE? > > [...] > > But when it came to leader Kibo, he would simply enlighten us with the > simple wisdom that you can lead a bozo to Kibology, you just can't > necessarily get him to express his bozosity. You left off the last word. "intentionally". -- K. What I'd like to know is, why do most people here think I'm still married to Barbara Bain? I've been married to Juliet Landau a whole year! Why do you people think I'm married to someone I'm not really married to? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been reassured Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 10:45:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Today I bought a roll of 'bathroom tissue' from the Super > X-Pensive Convenience Mart downstairs in my apartment building. Be careful. I once ate a summer sausage from the super-pricey "Always Open" convenience mart downstairs in my apartment building (back when I lived on Dartmouth Street before I moved to avoid Archimedes Plutonium applying for a job in my kitchen) and after I ate it I saw on the wrapper that it had expired SIX MONTHS BEFORE. True story. Except the part about Archie. He was "Ludwig" back then. As far as buying toilet paper goes... I was going to repost my article about the roll of pre-moistened toilet tissue I purchased at the Prudential Star Market (before the damp poo paper was removed from the world by forces more intelligent than humans) but I don't have it handy so instead I'll just search my most recent 18 months' worth of articles for the word "toilet" and post only the lines that say "toilet", in alphabetical order. (With the quoted lines removed, because nobody cares if someone _else_ said "toilet".) -- K. STAND BY FOR TOILETS! /////////////////// CUT HERE TO DETACH TOILETS /////////////////// toilet then he eats breakfast IS LIVING IN YOUR TOILET AGAIN!" tiny people who live in the toilet. topic of discussion to the toilet. toilets will swirl counter-clockwise, and skipping the stupid toilet humor. a toilet seat) has been growing and its penumbra (the toilet seat sell a little plastic toilet for her. * The Barbie toilet (yes, they really do Pierce Brosnan just finds her jammed into a toilet. TOILET SPUD WASHER the toilet trouble aisle and I found "Hey, why are my heart pills floating in the toilet?" Toilet's Be Friends The moral of tonight's episode: A toilet can be a very is sitting on the toilet. Suddenly, a copy of the script jumps off a roll of toilet paper and bites his face off!" waters of The Toilet Zone. FRAME MUST ALSO BE SHREDDED AND RECYCLED INTO TOILET PAPER." "At home, I see... Pokemon in the toilet..." -- Haruhisa Tachii the trash, so I poured the contents into the toilet. "I filled my toilet all the way to the top with blood!" 2) Drowning in a toilet toilet, he'd grow BLANK!" "HEY, I'VE BEEN SITTING ON A TOILET FOR SIX HOURS, NOW INHALE FROM THIS TUBE." "It's like toilet paper for your cat!" "LOOK, KIDS! THAT MAN IS DRIVING A TOILET EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T HAVE CANCER!" "What did the French toilet say to the American toilet?" "pilot eject" and "toilet flush" switches being adjacent. ("I'LL TURN ANY TYPO INTO TOILET HUMOR!" -- Kibo, Jan. 12, 1997) ("It's like toilet paper for your cat!") (A shaky hand-held camera shows up a roll of toilet paper with "HERS" (C) A talking roll of toilet paper that addressed me as "Conscientious Consumer" (He grabs at the roll of toilet paper to steady himself. As it begins (It's the toilet paper that's as smart as a toddler because it can unroll (Jervimedes Molybdenum is sitting on the toilet.) (a) a toilet paper cozy shaped like a chicken (b) a tea cozy shaped like a toilet paper cozy (f) toilets Alexander Abian was the mad scientist who liked to talk about toilet Also, they didn't mention all the non-toilet-bowl objects in the room that And because you're so sick, I'm going to drive a toilet! And the roll of toilet paper was actually a roll of duct tape six And then Benny Hill hands him a roll of toilet paper. And we'll finally get to hear Archie Bunker flush a space toilet! But I like that word "toileting". Creative would be a toilet built into every sheet of toilet paper. Creative would be a toilet so advanced that it would go to wherever someone Creative would be a toilet that gives me lots of money whenever you use it. Creative would be a toilet that's not shaped like a toilet. Creative Creative would be a toilet that's smart enough to keep you from doing Creative would be a toilet where you can choose where the poop goes Creative would be a working ASCII toilet. Creative would be an ASCII toilet that looks like a toilet when you use DOESN'T USE TOILET PAPER ANY MORE!" (I wish I were making that one DOWN THE HALL, AND INTO A TOILET, WHICH FLUSHES IT AND THEN BARFS IT BACK UP.) Einstein thought for a moment and said, "...he didn't know the toilet Fine, I'll remember what part of the toilet I'm dropping it in. GREASE OUT OF THE SINK WHILE MAKING MY TOILET REEK OF VILE ODORS! Have you considered just living in a giant toilet? That would He: "Honey, these french fries are TOILETASTIC!" Hell is like a gas station's restroom without the toilet. Hitler's toilet paper! And he knew it was Hitler's because it had a Hitler's toilet... and this means that the guy who shot Jesus was I don't know, but I'm sure glad there aren't any vehicles with toilets I mean, "Q TURKEY TOILET URNZZ 9LDX" sounds like what would happen I'm sorry, but your e-centives message fell in my e-toilet. IT ALL GOES TO THE SAME PLACE! SO NEVER PEE IN ANY TOILETS THAT MIGHT In article (Qturkey-toiletURNZz_9lD.X@clari.net), AFP (C-afp@clari.net) wrote: It was a roll of toilet paper with a female voice, and it read me its Kibology is like a beautiful girl sitting on a toilet banging pots and pan MOMMY MOMMY I WANNA RIDE THE TOILET AGAIN!!! No toilet? What, do you live in a house designed by Mike Brady? OW! THE TOILET KEEPS SHOCKING ME! Oh, yeah, god forbid there's a smelly toilet anywhere in Turkey. Or at least you have a fetish for people who have toilet paper for faces. Or was it just metaphorical, like the time you claim I toilet-papered POTAOES AT THE SAME TIME! TOILET SPUD WASHER'S GENTLE SWIRLING ACTION WILL Pink Fiberglas Fuzz roll insulation into a cardboard toilet-paper tube to Public Library's secret slush fund on a solid brass toilet-shaped STOP! WITH NEW TOILET SPUD WASHER YOU CAN RELIEVE YOURSELF AND CLEAN YOUR She: "...thanks to new TOILET SPUD WASHER!" Simply fish your poo out of the toilet and dump it into the pyrolyser. Subject: Re: An unanswered question about toilet paper Subject: Re: Briton sets off across country on motorized toilet Subject: Re: Toilet row in Turkey leaves one man dead TOILET PAPER, THE KIND THAT PREDATES SEARS MEETING ROEBUCK! TOILET SPUD WASHER! AS USED IN THE RESTROOMS OF FINE RESTAURANTS! That's not creative. Unless the toilet WORKED. Did you sit on it? The rain in Span clogs the toilet drain. Then he noticed that he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to the Toilet bowl rings. Well, now that you bring up the subject of toilet paper related catchphrases... Y2K-readiness (tonight's installment is on how to stockpile toilet paper YOU'LL NEVER USE TOILET PAPER AGAIN NOW THAT THERE'S TOILET UNDERWEAR! Yeah, but even TOILET PAPER is lethal under those conditions. Yep, it's swept around the world just like the water in a toilet bowl. You know, like those military jets with the Ejector Toilet Seats. an invisible toilet in a mystery location. and sit down because you couldn't possibly be as safe sitting on the toilet and the toilet flush lever, and I know that I would never set off the nuclear at midnight. (Damn computerized toilets!) It also told me that I body with scented toilet paper. It was like being in a jail cell made boxes that say TOILET SPUD WASHER in big letters. colliding toilets. command-line-interface toilets! could go to the bathroom without flushing the toilet down toilets that went "SHIK!" when they flushed and so I spent a whole floor the accelerators of their toilets while wearing burning loafers giant alligator with Betty White as the toiletmouth.) giant toilet we call the had most of their toilet paper, but the canned-goods aisle had been he didn't know the toilet was for BLANK. How do you fill in the impossible to get toilet paper because all the idiots are hoarding it. in case toilet paper stops working in 2000) and... not only are they information about how to survive when your toilet stops flushing into toilets. You'll have to bar-code your poop so that the toilet can invisible toilet this woman lived in as the clerk asked her if she had a it on the toilet. This is the kind of book you can only peruse on a it out as many times as we need to, to fill up the toilet-paper holder. it slipped out of his paw and landed in the toilet. "Waah! My like little cats do with little rolls of toilet paper? mongrammed toilet paper stuck to his heel.) patients. Spot downed a huge brick of Ex-Lax and sat on the toilet to wait for pre-moistened toilet paper. roll of toilet paper in and watch it all unroll along a time-like direction. seconds later.) "Dumb Donald was so dumb, he didn't know the toilet standing on a toilet in Hitler's sparkling personal bathroom. telling about the big brass toilet, but you used the word "tuba" the FLUSH-O!!! button, and I'm having too much fun just flushing the toilet the toilet and began waiting for Santa to bring him guacamole with the toilet or anything, because I'm rather attached to the former JEM. the toilet, he'd grow TOMATOES IN HIS WINDOWBOX!" And then either the the toilet. their toilets for a million years, the toilet probably wouldn't cure them that you have a bucket, not a toilet! to "FOOD OUTLETS". Eww! Do they have to call the toilets _that_? to go and not near the clogged toilet or the dunes of clotted cheese. to imagine the toilet. to the toilet. THAT'S THE BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER!!!! to unclog their toilet nine times a day and gather up mountains of rancid toilet of history, because here in the Northern Hemisphere history toilet paper, which was the weirdest thing he had ever experienced. toilet with his pants down doesn't realize there's no plumbling connected toilet, even if you don't need to go. toilets and someone knocked one over and they all fell over like dominos up a lovely mental image. And then that makes you think of "toiletries".) up. I forget what they claimed their brand of toilet paper was, other used toilet paper. Your boss would hate it. And would then feel the wall mural of Isis or Commander Adama or whoever, with a toilet plunger where he discussed his method of using toilet paper (always alternate who ever lived, Hitler's had the prettiest toilet paper. will probably pay to jump into a giant toilet!" with a toilet inside. He sits on the toilet. Suddenly five would be a toilet that's not shaped like anything. Creative would be you're sitting on the toilet as you read alt.religion.kibology. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been reassured Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 10:51:42 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > On the paper it was wrapped in, below the brand name > ("Marcal SST Super Soft Tissue"), I found the following statement: > > "Septic Safe" > > Woo! Toilet paper that you can flush down the toilet! > What will them smart science-guys think of next? /////////// LOOK! IT'S A REPOST! THAT MEANS IT'S GOOD! /////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Consumer Product Of The Decade: Wipe With This! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, misc.industry.pulp-and-paper Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 07:04:39 GMT First there was one-ply toilet paper. ("Toilet tissue" is what doctors call it, "toilet paper" is what normal humans call it.) Colors. Then two-ply. Patterns of little flowers. Scented. Quilted. Then a brief experiment marketing three-ply. Then toilet paper with aloe. Then toilet paper with baking soda. A little white cloud goes up whenever you tear off a sheet. Last year, "Wet Or Dry" toilet paper that advertised it worked even when moistened, unlike that regular toilet paper that disintegrates instantly when wet, which is why it never ever clogs up the little pipes in Erma Bombeck's toilet. Anyway, now there's... A FRESH NEW WAY ORIGINAL MOISTMATES(tm) WITH DISPENSER MOIST BATH TISSUE ON A ROLL Yes, they've discovered that they can dunk rolls of toilet paper in the creek and then charge extra. I wonder if this innovation is a result of fire damage. The MoistMates dispenser hangs from the bottom of your existing roll of toilet paper, a blatant admission that nobody will rely on the stuff. Notice they say "ON A ROLL" not to imply that it comes with a sesame seed bun, but because people have already tried marketing pop-up baby wipes for grownups. Anyway, I tried Original MoistMates (With Aloe -- you knew it had to have placebaloe) because the supermarket under the skyscraper with no floors ending with "2" doesn't carry the other flavor. Yes, MoistMates also come in A SOOTHING MEDICATED FORMULA. Let's read the side of the box, shall we? > Who Uses MoistMates(tm)? > The whole family! Mom, Dad, Junior, Sis, even Spot! > People who want to feel cleaner, fresher, and more confident will be too embarassed to let the supermarket cashier see them buying corrective toilet paper. > will love MoistMates(tm). Feel the difference "Please don't squeeze the MoistMates! They squirt!" > as hypoallergenic what, no peanut butter? > MoistMates(tm) gently cleanses These several mates is cleansing me! Apparently aloe repels grammar. AVAST YE MOIST MATEYS!!! > more thoroughly than dry tissue alone. In fact, dry tissue does NOTHING by itself! You have to pull it off the roll and wipe! > You'll also see the difference on laundry day! At last, toilet paper that goes through the washing machine more than once! > And the MoistMates(tm) dispenser makes it convenient to use! Yes, toilet paper with a special dispenser that goes in its special place and takes special refills is so MUCH better than that other kind that doesn't have a molded plastic dispenser. > Also Available in a Soothing Medicated Formula My butt has a headache! I should point out that the box has lily pads all over it -- apparently frogs also use MoistMates. > Economical - Use Fewer Sheets - Dries in Seconds Makes a convenient cast for broken legs! Mummify your kid brother! Cover your neighbor's house in an unbreakable, flushable shell! The box assures me that MoistMates are "easy to use in any bathroom", so take some on the Amtrak train with you to make the bathroom bigger and not shake up and down violently. It also emphasizes that the dispenser is also portable (I hate that regular toilet paper where one end of the roll is permanently attached to the supermarket so you have to use it within half a mile) and has a patent pending. (Big deal. Archimedes Plutonium probably has the same patent pending.) MoistMates are a product of the NuWay corporation. (I think they mistyped an "o".) And it's made in... New York City? Well, I guess that's what we get for driving the thriving Manhattan picante salsa business out of town. The bottom of the carton says "PLEASE TELL US WHAT YOU THINK." in boldface on the part of the box you never see. Anyway, it says to call 1-888-NUWAY97 to tell them what you think, so please forward this article to their phone number. And now... on to the fine print. The ingredients. Yes, it's toilet paper with a list of ingredients. > Contents: 1 roll Gee, I thought there were going to be twelve in this little cube. > of 80 moistened sheets on their first day of issue (to increase their value to collectors) > of approx. 4 x 5 in. (10.16 cm x 12.7 cm) OH NO!!! THEY'RE THE WRONG SIZE FOR MY BUTT!!! I'm glad I checked the technical specifications before attempting to use this product. > in a MoistMates(tm) dispenser. OH NO!!! I THOUGHT THEY CAME IN A PEZ(R) DISPENSER!!! > Ingredients: 100% natural cellulose fiber, I hate that other brand that's made from bakelite instead of newsprint. > purified water, And I would be really upset if I got tap water on my butt. MoistMates: The toilet tissue for people who never bathe. > propylene glycol, Always put anti-freeze on your butt before visiting Alaska so and coming home with Polaroids. > polysorbate 20, to preserve yummy fresh flavor. > disodium cocoamphidiacetate, Know those fake novelty candies from Spencer Gifts that look like they're made of chocolate but are made of plastic? This chemical magically combines chocolate and plastic with a dash of real table salt to... um... gee, I don't know why your butt needs salted plastic candy. But I'm sure there is a sound medical reason. > diazolidinyl urea, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. Okay, because I studied under Isaac Asimov (well, I read some of his books) I know what urea is. Urea's most common industrial applications is as a surfactant, or in plain English, a wetting agent. And guess where they get it from. Urea is all natural, but there are only two animals that produce it. And from its name you can guess from which part of the animal it issues forth. That's right, urea is the active ingredient in human urine -- and greyhound urine. It only comes from people and skinny dogs. So the question is, why am I putting pee on my butt, and is it people pee or dog pee, and which is worse? If they were smart they'd try the old advertising trick of "turn the perceived negative into a positive" (i.e. VW's "Think small." campaign) with a clever slogan like: MOISTMATES(tm). WHICH IS WORSE, HAVING POOP OR PEE ON YOUR BUTT? NO OTHER TISSUE IS PRE-PEED! Then there are more ingredients and the catchy slogan, > 0B301.1 (6625-BJW-II-166-E) ...which presumably means that someone named B.J.W. was assigned the thankless task for writing the fine print for a roll of pre-peed toilet paper. Note that the above code was typeset in ITC Garamond Light Condensed except for "301.1" which was in VGC Friz Quadrata. This change of fonts within one string of nonsense completely ruined all the appear MoistMates brand urine-in-a-box had for me. Plus they make your butt smell like it's wearing girly perfume. So let's file "MoistMates" under "Who Asked For This Product?" in an odorproof, leakproof vault and let us never think about toilet paper with urine in it ever again. -- K. Also any statements I just made about MoistMates(tm) containing pee are clearly not intended seriously even though the box clearly says "urea", because I'm 100% sue-proof, and because no jury in the world would buy this stuff. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I have been reassured Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 11:09:22 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Since we (meaning I) were talking about MoistMates(TM) brand pre-wetted toilet paper, I figured I should also repost the subsequent articles discussing this damp and mushy subject. -- K. It's the toilet paper for British skinheads: You can't spell "MoistMates" without "Oi, Mates!" ////////// LOOK! MORE REPOSTS! MOISTER! MATIER! /////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Frictional fagments (Episode 13) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 19:27:04 GMT In article (E85FD4744B7FB677.B4E0DE7B4395986F.5828E049F54842DC@library-proxy.airnews.net), Your Message-ID is the reason that NBC cancelled "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer". Mike Zeares (mzeares1@airmail.net) wrote: > > On of my groupies from alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer forwarded me one of rone's > posts with the quote about me in his .sig. She thinks I'm some sort of > famous net.celebrity now. No, not NOW, you USED to be one, that's why people are quoting you. If you were being famous right now, people would be busy updating their .sigs with your latest witticism and not posting your old witticisms. Me, I'm so famous that people don't even bother quoting me because they know that by the time they get my bon mot into their .sig I'll have come out with a new one which is ten times better, making all prior glories pale by comparison. > I didn't have the guts to tell her the sordid truth. "Yes, I am really famous on the Internet, but the only people who use the Internet are thirteen-year-olds who play Dungeons & Dragons." > One of these days I'll post the entire Mike Zeares saga in > atbvs. Then they'll know what kind of monster lives amongst them. I should have told them just to try to sabotage your Dungeons & Dragons game by sneaking in a pair of five-sided dice. But noooo, I had to tell everyone that you were a million times worse than Hitler squared timesed by L. Ron Hubbard and now you're almost as famous as I am, and I don't even get compared to Hitler! WAAH! -- K. I used to have this pair of dice where one was all 3's and one was all 4's and they worked only on people so stupid that you didn't NEED to cheat. ////////// THE REPOSTS KEEP ON COMING! OH JOY! ////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hitler the Clown Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1998 07:16:37 GMT Mike Zeares (mzeares1@airmail.net) wrote: > > Which of these is funnier: > > 1. Kibo is just like Hitler. > 2. Kibo is just like Hitler the Clown. Yep, I'm just like Adolf Hitler only I'm a really nice guy who isn't a dictator and mass murderer and I squirt people with seltzer from my beeping nose and I don't dress as funny as he did. ...and Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) responsed: > > That's *my* meme. Leggo my Eggo! Don't scream my meme! Lego my Ego! Klods for klods! AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T COPY THAT FLOPPY! YOU COULD GO TO JAIL FOR STEALING A COMPUTER VIRUS! > I'm gradually reupholstering all the furniture in the house > with a half-inch thick coating of Raid. ...to which Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) replied: > > It was much like that exercise they do in kindergarten in which the kids > have to deduce what unseen item is in the Brown Bag of Mystery by smelling > it, only my sister got in trouble for reading the writing on the outside > of the bag that said what was in it in huge letters. I would just like to redirect the logical flow of this well-developed chain of reasoning by updating things I said in two recent posts: 1.) The fake Morticia Addams with the scary deflated face is ex-mermaid Darryl Hannah, who apparently dessicated after spending too much time out of the water. 2.) After many scientific experiments, I have determined that medicated MoistMates(TM) toilet paper are actually sheets of Bounce(TM) fabric softener. Except Bounce(TM) doesn't smell as strong. Now regular toilet paper feels like sandpaper because the MoistMates(TM) made my butt soft. So please accept this apology for my lack of clarity: "Dear Kibo, we apologize to you for your lack of clarity. Signed, Everyone Else." Everyone Else's signature is really florid and has a happy face in the "o". -- K. You like me! You really like me! You like me as much as MoistMates(TM)! ////////// THE REPOSTS KEEP ON COMING! OH NO! /////////////////////////// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hitler the Clown Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 01:32:06 GMT Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > After many scientific experiments, I have determined that > > medicated MoistMates(TM) toilet paper are actually sheets of > > Bounce(TM) fabric softener. Except Bounce(TM) doesn't smell > > as strong. Now regular toilet paper feels like sandpaper > > because the MoistMates(TM) made my butt soft. > > [...] > > But thanks for the frightening preview of what a.r.k will be > like in the year 2038. I fail to see what MoistMates(TM) have to do with Hitler. I'm sure he never used MoistMates(TM) toilet paper, for the obvious reasons. Besides, the "perforations" is clearly a Yiddish word. Now to turn the topic of this discussion back to Hitler and/or clowns. I'm watching the episode of "Silk Stalkings" which features HITLER'S EVIL TWIN who DOESN'T DO ANYTHING. Okay, so they stole this idea from "Murphy Brown". All good "crime dramas" (that is, shows which contain crime and filler which is sort of drama-like in texture) are made in Canada and feature plots derived from "Murphy Brown", especially episodes in the final season: CANADIAN GUY: Hmm, this looks like it couldn't have been suicide... he was shot in the BACK. CANADIAN PARTNER: Could this have something to do with breast cancer? CANADIAN HITLER: Hello, I look like Hitler. Pardon me, I must be going. (HITLER EXITS) CANADIAN GUY: Were we imagining it, or did that guy, played by Martin Landau's friend Curt Conway, look EXACTLY like Hitler? CANADIAN PARTNER: Maybe it really was the real Hitler, really. (HITLER EXISTS) ...of course, having some experience with crummy TeeVee plots, I guessed the ending of this one before the opening credits: In the first low- budget scene, a guy makes his own crack from baking soda in his kitchen, with lots of close-ups of the gas stove while stock "heavy-metal-style- texture-substitute" music plays, then he passes out on the bed, and then you see a big black glove walk through the room and turn on the gas and set fire to the apartment. In other words, it's going to be a woman because in "crime dramas" bad women are only shown from the glove outwards. Now, if the killer had been the Hitler double or the wacky midget, that would have made this series a little more intelligent. -- K. Now let's talk about Clown The Hitler. HEIL SELTZER! P.S. I apologize to anyone who likes Hitler and Murphy Brown for stealing Murphy Brown's tenth-season obsession with jokes about breast cancer. And I'm not even going to mention the "Seinfeld" episode where Mr. Pitt accidentally turns into Hitler because of the 3-D painting of the Romulan spaceship, because everyone knows that the Romulans didn't control Hitler, it was Michael Ansara on "The Time Tunnel". This, of course, was before "The Time Tunnel" turned into a show about breast cancer through the ages. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Smattering of Kibology from my daily existence Date: Wed, 10 May 2000 10:58:42 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > First point: > Kibological dream #0004. It involved me joining a fraternity run by > Kibologists. Kibo (who else?) was the president, and I also recall Matt > McIrvin somewhere in there. I would _never_ join a fraternity that would have someone other than me as a member. Are you sure you're not thinking of Club 91? It's like a secret fraternity, only Matt McIrvin isn't allowed to be in it because he didn't start until '92. He has some cockamamie theory that I founded it just to keep him out. My theory is that I founded it just to get him to think that so that I could say "cockamamie" in public. COCKAMAMIE!!! -- K. What happens after you have your 9999th Kibological dream? And what is a non-Kibological dream? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Smattering of Kibology from my daily existence Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 01:24:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Logan Shaw (logan@cs.utexas.edu) wrote: > > Just to let everyone know, this thread is presently a > perfectly balanced binary tree. At least according to > the diagram that my threaded newsreader draws for it. > > Thank you, and good night. > > Compunerdily yours, > Logan > > (Darn. Now I have to post another 7 articles in order to not ruin it.) Every article I post *is* a perfectly balanced binary tree, at least if it's not a followup to any other article. But then it gets ruined if people don't post exactly two followups. Then I get upset and start making plans for my secret project to post article (1111@kibo.com) with References: (2222@kibo.com) (3333@kibo.com) and each of them references the other two articles, making the article tree a Complete Graph and Part Of A Complete Breakfast and making all the computers in the world explode as they diagram the thread: [3] / [1]-[2] / [2]_ /[1] / [3]-[2] [1] \ _[1]-[2] [3] \[3] \ [2]-[1] \ [3] ...only it wouldn't work that way because I drew it backwards and inside out but rest assured that your computer WILL explode SOMEDAY, once scientists discover the Internet's well-hidden self-destruct button. -- K. It's disguised as a puffball filled with durian vapor to keep anyone from pressing it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Smattering of Kibology from my daily existence Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 01:15:54 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > And what is a non-Kibological dream? > > I can't define it, but I know it when I have one. I keep an informal > journal on my computer, and a quick search for "dream" gave me the > following examples: > > * I find a 6-shooter revolver that only works part of the time. When it > does work, a little blue pellet pops out and falls to the floor. Kibological. It would be even more Kibological if a BIG blue pellet popped out. Twice as much so if it popped IN. > * Something about NMR spectroscopy Kibological, especially if they're taking pictures of your insides because Jar Jar Binks got trapped in there in the form of an evil lollipop. > * Taking the MCAT, and later bashing in a panel on my car. Kibological. Five times as Kibological if you take the MCAT inside an NMR. > * A dream where I say something like, "You wouldn't think so, but I guess > people really can run faster than 70 mph for short periods of time." Kibological, even if it might be true. Sometimes the truth is more Kibological than Kibology! > * Someone lives on the floor above me. This person sings along with > music, but does it very badly. Kibological, especially if they're singing the theme song to (a) "Batman" (b) "Match Game '77" (c) "Space: 1999" (d) your intestinal NMR spectroscopy > * I win the Nobel Peace Prize. (This dream was interesting because it > was the opposite of a lucid dream. At several points, I stopped and > thought, "Wow, I really won a Nobel Prize. This is really happening.") Kibological, UNLESS it's true. If you really won a Nobel Prize just so you could impress us by pretending it was a wonderful dream, then you're a bad person and your Nobel Prize should be taken away from you and then all the scientists in the world will point and laugh because you forgot to wear pants to the ceremony and all your teeth exploded and also your final exam is in fifteen minutes and you forgot to study and everyone knows it because your NMR shows that the only cramming you've done lately is Jar Jar! And then you fall from a great height and forget to die after you wake up, so you accidentally become immortal and you have Jar Jar lodged in your innards for all eternity. And no teeth. > Most of the rest of my dreams involve me going to class, sitting in > class, or talking with the major characters in my life. Some are > realistic, some aren't. > > I don't consider any of the above stuff particularly Kibological, I > suppose. A gun that dribbles little blue pellets isn't Kibological? Winning a Nobel Peace Prize for NO REASON isn't Kibological? The fact that you had all these dreams at work isn't Kibological? -- K. NANANANANANANANABATMANNN!!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibological Dream #0003 Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 02:29:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > Okay. I went to bed a little early today and just had my third > Kibological dream. > > [...] > > The back story is that I was reading this text in some kind of book. > It was about teaching elementary school kids using clay and Usenet. > > -----BEGIN NONEXISTENT BOOK TEXT----- > > Most research into walking machines is being done by researchers > playing with wire models. The models are constructed by combining > symmetrical "building blocks." The two building blocks of choice are the > simple octahedron or Graham's truncated cube. The latter is used with or > without a toroidal loop. Augh! Andrew! You just killed "Grateful Dead" composer Gerrit Graham with his own linked octahedra! You and your imaginary Tetra-Links are mean to rock'n'roll legends who act in bad movies! Gerrit Graham deserved better than this! He had a BOX around his name in "The Creature Wasn't Nice"! A BOX! Not even Cindy Williams had one of those! And now you truncated him with his truncated cube and octahedron just like the evil home computer played by Robert Vaughn in "Demon Seed"! (By the way, for those of you who still have no idea why I keep ranting about the killer Tetra-Links in that movie, I strongly suggest renting the movie. You spend about the first hour with your jaw agape in a pose of "Did someone really believe this constituted a plausibly frightening story of a woman being raped by her home computer?" and then around the time the Tetra-Links start floating around you start giggling and can't stop until well after the armor-plated baby starts talking in Robert Vaughn's voice. (The computer can materialize gravity-defying objects out of thin air, but the best way it can think of to kill Gerrit Graham is to strangle him with some cardboard tetrahedra. Which the credits refer to as Tetra-Links brand sculpture.) > No physical walking model has been successfully created, but > several have been computer simulated, and both of the simple building > blocks are bouncing models. The Jell-O! It's ALIVE! RUN!!!! > In class, I was demonstrating the simple building blocks. > "See how when you flatten either model, it becomes a regular > polygon?" And if you wad it up into a ball, it becomes a sphere! And if you grind it up into powder and then add a pound of gold and then filter out all the stuff that isn't gold, it turns into gold! > The class was provisionally excited. > We had had a pizza box sighting earlier that week. I thought John Sladek was dead, but apparently he just moved in between the hemispheres of your brain. SOMETHING in your brain is brilliant in the way that John Sladek was, and I won't rest until I figure out WHO IT IS! > It was made by me at a local hospital. I hesitated to report it to the > group because my finger was constricted, but it was of a purely > physiological nature. I hate it when my fingers have psychological problems of their own. > "So what did we say happened to our clay people when they walked > in the mud?" > "There was an itch or a tingle." > "Right. But not all of them got a cough. Now do you remember > when Mr. Williams told you about the box I saw at the hospital?" > "So how can you tell if you get sick or not?" > "Exactly." > "Subscribe!" someone shouted out. I understood all of that, except I don't know who Mr. Williams is. Do you by any chance mean John Williams, the composer of the "Lost In Space" theme song? Or do you mean Cindy Williams, star of "The Creature Wasn't Nice", whose gender cannot be proven because she wasn't important enough to get a box around her name? > I suspect most of the "a-ha" discoveries throughout history have > been made immediately after playing with clay. > > ------END NONEXISTENT BOOK TEXT------ Well, they DID give Eli‡n Gonz‡lez a can of Play-Doh so that he wouldn't be psychologically harmed by the masked men who crushed his bed when they dragged him from the house at 5 A.M. to take the six-year-old to the Air Force base. It would serve them right if this caused him to make a brilliant discovery that would earn him a trillion dollars and all the Nobel Prizes for the next thousand years! Incidentally, I know that none of you people are willing to talk about Eli‡n Gonz‡lez, but I have new material to report regarding the whole sordid affair. Remember how I pointed out that Donato Dalrymple, the fisherman who rescued Eli‡n and was driving forty miles to his house every night and was hiding in the closet with Eli‡n never once wore anything other than that green polo shirt? Well, it turns out that people have accused him of being a Kato Kaelin-style publicity-seeker because he just BOUGHT A JACKET!!! Wow! Now he has a piece of outerwear to wear with his piece of clothing! (He bought a Banana Republic safari jacket because he wanted to dress up for an appearance on Geraldo Rivera's talk show, according to _Newsweek_.) And... it turns out that he isn't really a fisherman. This was the first time he had ever been at sea. And of the two guys on the boat, he wasn't the one who rescued Eli‡n. And the reason he was driving to the house every night was that he was trying to get into bed with Marisleysis, the super-histrionic perpetually-fainting woman. And he was awed by hearing his name mentioned on Howard Stern radio show, gushing, "It was just too cool!" Again, I read that in an actual news magazine. While sitting on the toilet. -- K. Someday I hope to hear Howard Stern mention me while the fake fisherman is sitting on a toilet! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Library of Congress Bob Hope Gallery Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 02:44:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > The Library of Congress is hosting a Bob Hope Gallery of > American Entertainment, reports the Washington Post. Okay, so I went to their site to read the article. It showed up as a Web page titled "BOB HOPE? CHECK IT OUT." Which would be the greatest lyric M. C. Hammer ever wrote if only he had been creative enough to write it. Oh, great, now I have "soft rap" music running through my head: CAN'T CHECK IT OUT! BOB HOPE! BOB HOPE! CAN'T CHECK IT OUT! BOB HOPE! BOB HOPE! (cut to a striped-hair guy wearing baggy rubber harem pants doing jumping jacks while lip-syncing that) Anyway, here's the head end of the article about The Bob Hope Gallery Of American Entertainment: -> Bob Hope? Check It Out. -> -> By Linton Weeks -> Washington Post Staff Writer -> Tuesday, May 9, 2000; Page C01 -> -> "Talking with a woman in a nudist colony and she said, 'Quick, take -> off your clothes, here comes my husband.' " -> -> If you think that Bob Hope joke is funny, wait'll you see the new Three Stooges slot machine! You'll laugh 'til you lose ten thousand dollars! -> you'll appreciate the new Bob Hope Gallery of American Entertainment -> opening tomorrow at the Library of Congress. Jack Benny sure would. -> It's free. "free" as in "out of the closet and comfortable being really really really gay"? I wonder if Bob Hope would appreciate the collection of letters about enemas that Jack Benny wrote to his boyfriend, on display at the Boston Public Library. I'm sure he would say something trenchant yet homophobic. -> The first exhibition, called "Bob Hope and American Variety," -> focuses on vaudeville's influence on 20th-century entertainment. -> With material from the recently acquired Bob Hope Collection--and -> other gifts to the library from entertainers such as Sid Caesar and -> Bob Fosse--the exhibit includes film clips, memorabilia and 89,000 -> pages of Hope's trademark rapid-fire one-liners. You better hope -> that, like Hope, you live to be 96. It'll take you that long just to -> read the damn things. So... he couldn't have had time to _read_ all those alleged jokes before telling them. -> But seriously, folks. Hope, with wife Dolores, daughter Linda and -> actress Connie Stevens, flew in for the event. Boy, were their arms -> tired. And Jack Benny's 18-hour girdle turned back into a pumpkin! -> Hope, who will be 97 on May 29, doesn't get out much anymore. His -> hearing is not good. He doesn't do well in crowds. His standup comedy performance is best when nobody is watching or listening. -> He stayed in his hotel yesterday during the press preview. -> Librarian of Congress James Billington couldn't be at the preview either, -> but dapper and affable Anthony J. Hope, Bob's son, showed up in a -> pinstripe suit. Like his father, Tony's in show biz--he's a -> Washington lawyer. But Bob Hope isn't a lawyer! He's too evil. -> Tony Hope is a Georgetown alum and former chairman of the Indian -> Gaming Commission. "It's thrilling," he said yesterday. "The library -> recognizes that my father's been telling the same jokes for 80 years." Then he plugged the new Bob Hope slot machine. -- K. Also known as "the one-joke bandit." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Library of Congress Bob Hope Gallery Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 22:53:14 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > The Library of Congress is hosting a Bob Hope Gallery of > > American Entertainment, reports the Washington Post. > > This shows why Kibo is justified in making fun of Bob Hope. > Hope kept an archive of EVERY JOKE HE EVER TOLD. Kibo would never > do something that st00pid! Yeah, I'd never make the mistake of telling an actual joke. JOKES AIN'T FUNNY! Here is a joke construction kit: "BLAH BLAH BLAH Janet Reno... BLAH BLAH BLAH mustache!" "BLAH BLAH BLAH Richard Simmons... BLAH BLAH BLAH gay!" "BLAH BLAH BLAH rat droppings... BLAH BLAH BLAH Denny's!" Oh no! I just accidentally revealed Jay Leno's secret formula! Jay Leno's dream of becoming The New Bob Hope was ruined! -- K. Notice I posted three of them, because I learned in college that things in threes are funnier than things in fours. That was in a comedy class. The concept of a "comedy class" is funnier than anything else. P.S. "BLAH BLAH BLAH Bob Hope... BLAH BLAH BLAH really old!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo still controls TV Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 02:57:10 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > So I was paging through Kibo's Web site today while the Game > Show Network made noise on my TV. And as I read through > something or other on Kibo's page my eyes came to the words > "Bubble Yum." And exactly as I read the words "Bubble Yum" > on Kibo's page, a Bubble Yum commercial came on the TV. Holy cow, I didn't realize they even _had_ Bubble Yum commercials any more. I mean, I know they still make the stuff, but I thought that reminding people that there _was_ such a thing as Bubble Yum would make them wail, "Eww! That was the gum that was scientifically proven to be 99% spider eggs and rat hair! Just to be safe, I'm going to stop chewing gum forever!" > I thought Kibo's site must have cookies that deliver > targeted advertising to the user's television, but then > I remembered that Kibo doesn't put cookies on his site, > so I realized that the true explanation must be that > Kibo controls my TV, because hey, Occam's Razor. KIBO WIELDS OCCAM'S RAZOR LIKE A SWORD! I HAVE OCCAM'S LIGHTSABER! ALSO I AM WEARING THE BLESSED +2 UNDERWEAR OF RASSILON! (Wow, did it suddenly become nerdy in here, or is it just me?) > So now I have two questions: number one is, How did Kibo > come to control my TV, anyway; You didn't hear about the Kibo-Time-Warner-AOL-Disney-Atari-Pez merger? > and number two is, If he must control TV, why can't he make the > Game Show Network show better game shows, instead of showing the > execrable Newlywed Game six hundred times a day? Oh, you wait your whole life to get a TV channel that shows programs titled "Match Game '74" set in the super-futuristic world of 1974, and you STILL aren't satisfied? Whaddaya want, egg in your bear? Surely you can't tell me that you would have ever expected that they would fill a channel with throwaway game shows that were freshness-dated from before anyone important was even born! > I was going to say that "The Execrable Newlywed Game" > sounds like it would be a pretty good show, but then > I realized that execrable would be a pretty good > description for all the newlyweds who have ever appeared > on the show. All I can say is that I don't know why when they were doing "The New Newlywed Game" or "The New New Newlywed Game" or "The New New New New New Lywed Game" and they were re-making all those carefully-scripted spontaneous segments from the original show they left out the famous "That'd be in the butt, Bob!" moment we've all seen so many times in reruns. -- K. I just want to see the "Magnificent Marble Machine" episode where the guy splits his pants, then The Game Show Network can show as much boring "Newlywed Game" as it wants until the end of eternity. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo still controls TV Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 05:56:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > > > I thought Kibo's site must have cookies that deliver > > > targeted advertising to the user's television, but then > > > I remembered that Kibo doesn't put cookies on his site, > > That's because Kibo is MEAN to people who LIKE cookies > and lemonade soaked fish sandwiches. Hmm, this is an interesting new angle. Write to random webmasters and complain that their sites don't give out enough cookies. It would be a refreshing change of pace from the people who are ultra-paranoid about cookies. (I think people would be less scared of Magic Cookies if they didn't have such a fun'n'friendly name. If they had called them "globs" people would trust them more, if they had called them "rainbow unicorn ballerina snuggles" people would trust them less.) > > > so I realized that the true explanation must be that > > > Kibo controls my TV, because hey, Occam's Razor. > > > > KIBO WIELDS OCCAM'S RAZOR LIKE A SWORD! I HAVE OCCAM'S LIGHTSABER! > > > > ALSO I AM WEARING THE BLESSED +2 UNDERWEAR OF RASSILON! > > OH NO! The Blessed +2 Underwear of Rassilon has been CURSED > by an orc shaman, turning it into the Cursed -7 GIGANTIC > WEDGIE OF PAIN!!!! YOW!!! Ha ha but I know that you can't have underwear cursed below minus five because at -5 your underwear turns into a handful of potato chips and falls off, even if it's cursed underwear that can't be removed or washed! Oh what a burrrrrn, YOU don't know your imaginary role-playing underwear! > > (Wow, did it suddenly become nerdy in here, or is it just me?) > > I THINK LEE SHELTON BUMBERGARDENER CAME BACK!!! YAAAAAYYYY!! Stop being mean to Lee while he's not here to enjoy it! -- K. I think we should have a horrible nukular accident which fuses the designer of ITC Garamond, the creator of The Amazing Spider-Man, and a random a.r.k member into Tony Stan Lee Bumgarner. And then the "down" clues would work out to Tony The Tiger, Kurdistan, Sara Lee, and the guy who became homeless after "The Rockford Files" flopped in The Other Universe, James "Bum" Garner. Then we'd work on creating some diagonal clues just so we could conceal them from the newbies so we'd remain more intellectually sophisticated. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Vienna,part2, 4DEC99; AP's Sci Odyssey of Europe Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 03:19:37 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > In sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (plutoniu@willinet.net) wrote: > > > > quick quick pop the KONTEXT-AWAY cartridge into the tape drive: > > > Quick, pop into McDonalds and take a piss and I feel like a fish > > sandwich with lemonade. > > rewind the KONTEXT-AWAY tape and store it away safely for yet another day... Eww! I am never again going to ask for a fish sandwich soaked in lemonade when I'm eating at McDonalds. By the way, White Castle Deep Sea Sandwiches (tiny little fishburgers) are better than either the McDonalds Filet-O-Fish or Burger King Whaler. This is because they're smaller so you don't have to eat as much of the stamped-out bottom-feeding wadded-up fish. -- K. Okay, so the pee suggested the lemonade. But which one of Archie's body functions produces fish sandwiches? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: New Digital Camera! Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 06:36:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just got my new digital camera. It has a purple blotch on the end which says "COOLPIXId7OOD", whatever that means. It's a Nikon CoolPix 990 and I've named it "Twisty". I still have my Sony Mavica FD-91 ("Big Gun") and I sold off my first digital camera -- a Kodak DC-210 ("Leaky") a while ago. Twisty doesn't have the zoom power of Big Gun and isn't as easy to use but has some extra features (such as longer exposure times which will be good for taking clandestine pictures in dark toy stores.) Plus it's got a purple bit on the end of it to differentiate it from all those other Nikon camera which have a red stripe, conclusively proving that all camera made last year are now worthless because they don't have purple on them. So, basically, expect another delay before I update the photo galleries on my Web site because now I have to go out and rephotograph everything I've photographed over the past year before I can post it, because now I have a camera with better picture quality. (I hope none of the orange cones I've seen over the past year has moved.) By the way, speaking of cones, the sinkhole in front of my apartment is still growing, but where the white cone used to be there is now an orange barrel, trailing a shred of torn-off yellow barricade tape in the wind like some giant Hershey's kiss made of toxic plastic. I'm keeping the new camera in a case that says "X-RITE" on it, because the case Nikon sells is the size and shape and color of an Army grunt's ALICE pack, with a big "NIKON" logo on the side, thus the case is a little large and conspicuous to be carrying around when I'm sneaking photos. So I'm using the X-Rite case because I doubt anyone will ever ask me why I'm carrying a spectrophotometer around with me. (When Laser Designs went out of business, they sold their X-Rite gadgets to another shop, but they forgot to give them the carrying cases, so when the shop folded I got to take a spare carrying case home. And it fits the camera like a glove. Unlike Big Gun's case, which fits the camera like a glove shaped like a ham hock.) Twisty has a wonderfully irritating user interface -- I need to remember that "A-REC" mode is different from "A" exposure mode in "M-REC" mode although "A-REC" mode is displayed as "P". Surprisingly, digital cameras seem to be the only product where Sony has the _best_ user interface. I haven't decided whether I'll sell Big Gun yet. I'm kind of attached to it, although carrying around a camera that large (the largest digital camera ever made, except for that $25,000 studio one) plus a stack of floppy disks for it is a bit of a nuisance sometimes (that camera attracts a lot of attention.) Twisty and Big Gun have different strengths and weaknesses, and Big Gun is battered enough from heavy use (I think around 4000 to 5000 photos, and three bounces off the floor) that I don't think I could sell Big Gun for more than $200, so it might be worth keeping it. I'm not sure I'm in love with Twisty just yet. It takes nice photos but it requires so much mental effort to set it up for each shot that it's not as fun as Big Gun. THIS IS MY CAMERA AND THIS IS MY GUN! ONE IS FOR SHOOTING, THE OTHER IS FOR FUN! -- K. Do Kodak's cameras still do all their on-screen displays in that font designed to look like crayon lettering? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New Digital Camera! Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 22:47:45 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I just got my new digital camera. > > In related news, *I* just got myself a digital camera (Olympus Camedia > C-860L, or C-360R or whatever if you're in the US - in Europe, digital > cameras have HIGHER numbers). One of my employers has one of those. I haven't yet had the heart to ask him if he's ever noticed that it has exactly the same form factor* and controls and layout as Mattel's Barbie Fashion Designer Digital Camera. HA HA! YOU PAID EXTRA TO GET THE VERSION WITHOUT THE DAISY STICKER! Hey, wait, that's worth paying extra for. -- K. * form factor = the total sizeness of its longosity, widthitude, and depthic thickness, in computer- industry jargon. "Form factor" can substitute for many less prolix expressions, such as "size", "box", or "shape". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Elian Look-Alike Sought For Film Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 07:10:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Movie producers are looking for a photogenic > 6-year-old boy, with short hair who likes playing on a swingset. I've heard that William Shatner's hair likes to play on a swingset, but other parts of him are older than 6 years. > Producers announced Wednesday that filming will begin in July on > a movie about the Elian Gonzalez case. ``Elian: The True Story of > Elian Gonzalez,'' will focus on his flight from Cuba and the > custody battle after he was rescued at sea, co-producer Sam > Lupowitz said Wednesday. Well, at least the costume budget for won't have to be too high if they focus the story on the fake fisherman who always wears the same shirt when he hides in other people's closets. > Lupowitz said filming should finish by September and the movie > likely will air on U.S. television this fall. What? There won't be a MAJOR THEATRICAL RELEASE for this QUALITY PRODUCTION? > Lupowitz said he and co-producer Menahem Golan WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! CRAP ALERT! CRAP ALERT! CRAP ALERT! GOLAN AND/OR GLOBUS DETECTED! RUN AWAY! On the other hand, if they had a producer known for _good_ films (for instance, Arnon Milchan) I still don't think that a TV-movie about Eli‡n Gonz‡lez and his crazy cadre of hangers-on could possibly be any good, because, hey, _TV_-movie. It's not like they'd have to make it good so that people would tell their friends to go see it _next_ weekend. They just gotta trick people into tuning in and then they can show ants walking around for two hours and throw the master negative away. > hope it will be the first dramatized account of Elian, Whereas I hope it will be the last! > the focus of a custody dispute since last November. CBS is developing a sitcom? Please say "sitcom". > movie or miniseries on Elian's story, which it has targeted for broadcast > this fall. A comedy movie? Please please please. > Elian was rescued at sea in November after his mother and 10 > others died when their boat sank en route to the United State from > Cuba. He was staying with relatives in Miami until last month, when > federal agents raided the home and reunited Elian with his father, > who wants the boy to return with him to Cuba. > Elian remains in the United States pending a court ruling on > relatives' request for a political asylum hearing. > The movie is based on public records and news accounts of > Elian's story, Lupowitz said. ...while holding up a big sign saying "I WAS TOO CHEAP TO PAY ANY OF THESE PEOPLE FOR RIGHTS TO THEIR LIVES." -- K. WOW! A movie based on NEWS ACCOUNTS! It'll be almost as entertaining as watching actual boring newscasts! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I have 600 people living in my what? Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 20:53:47 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Spam I just received: > From: "James K" (teamswork105@hotmail.com) > Cc: recipient list not shown: ; > Subject: "YOU have 600 New Members in your Downline" > Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 13:33:35 CDT > > "You have 600 New Members in your Downline!" > > 26 people received the message above in April. > > 626 new members joined our program in April. > With our revolutionary new Single-Line Downline System, > the first 26 new members who signed up had a guaranteed > downline of 600 people their first month! What if you only > had 200, 100 or even 50 members placed in your downline? OH NO! I MIGHT ONLY HAVE HAD 50 PEOPLE CRAMMED INTO MY DOWNLINE! AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A DOWNLINE IS! > How many programs will do that for you? VERY FEW LEGITIMATE NON-SCAM ONES!!! IN FACT NONE!!! > You can try our program for FREE!! > > If we don't keep our word and build a Downline for YOU, > You've risked nothing. This Fonzi scheme sounds COOL! AYYYYYYYYY!!! -- K. So I could pay them to tell 600 people to each tell 600 people to SIT ON IT! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Spammers is stupid! Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 21:07:22 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Another piece of spam I just received: > Subject: *UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS FAST LIKE NOW!* 0 Hey! That must be where Wild E. Cyote got his PhD! > From: a197@126.com > To: (a104@doar.net) > Date: Sun, 07 May 2000 10:11:58 -0700 > > UNIVERSITY DIPLOMAS > > University diplomas help you to obtain a prosperous > future, money earning power, and the admiration of all. YOU WILL BOW DOWN BEFORE MY BACHELOR'S DEGREE! BOTH YOU AND THEN ONE DAY YOUR HEIRS! > Bachelors, Masters, MBA, and Doctorate (PhD) > diplomas available in the field of your choice. > > Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities Gosh! I wonder if they're more presitigious than the actual real accredited universities. > based on your present knowledge and life experience. "I'm sorry, you learned something new today. So now we must take your diploma away because it was based on the slightly lesser amount of life experience you had then. I guess you'll have to buy your PhD again!" > No required tests, classes, books, or interviews. > > Receive your diploma within days. > > Open enrollment - no one is turned down. That's what makes it prestigious! > Confidentiality assured. > > For your convenience a registrar is waiting to provide > information 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM Monday through > Friday, New York time (EDT) > > If you CALL our new registration office NOW, you will > receive a $500 scholarship. If one line is busy, > simply dial the next number. > > From U.S.A. and Canada (you must dial all 13 digits) > 011-409-296-1919, Extension 1001 Hmm, I don't remember New York having an "011-409" area code. And why did the person answering the phone ask me if I was a Serb or Croat? > 011-409-296-1962, Extension 1001 > 011-409-296-1971, Extension 1001 > 011-409-296-1989, Extension 1001 > 011-409-296-1990, Extension 1001 But they don't have one for the year I was born. Waah! I can only get the PhD of a person born in 1919, 1962, 1971, 1989, or 1990! I think I'll go with the ten-year-old's PhD. > From Outside U.S.A. and Canada (you must dial all 12 digits) > 00-409-296-1919, Extension 1001 > 00-409-296-1962, Extension 1001 > 00-409-296-1971, Extension 1001 > 00-409-296-1989, Extension 1001 > 00-409-296-1990, Extension 1001 But... that's not twelve digits. It's eighty total in five lines of sixteen. Can I get a diploma in counting the number of digits in Yugoslavian phone numbers? (Wait, Yugoslavian phones have more than two digits now?) > To be removed from future mailings email rmv1@mail.www.yu with remove as > the subject I THINK THAT THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE SHOULD BREAK UP YUGOSLAVIA!!! -- K. Either that or Microsoft should buy Yugoslavia. Just think... Microsoft-brand weenie cars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: kibokosher Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 21:27:07 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp epsilon_delta@my-deja.com wrote: > > For complicated reasons, I am trying to assemble a meal which offends > the maximum number of religions. What dietary restrictions are there in > kibology which could be violated? Are there any foodstuffs which are > essentially non-kibologic? > Thank you for any suggestions. Cheese is evil. So, whatever you do, DON'T PUT ANY CHEESE IN IT! DON'T GET ANY CHEESE ANYWHERE NEAR IT! CHEESE ICKY! I FORBID YOU TO EVEN THINK ABOUT PUTTING CHEESE IN IT! So, put some cheese in it. Lots of cheese in it. -- K. Also, Kibologists other than me are only REALLY offended by meals that DON'T offend any other religions. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re-activating more slumbering brain cells. Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 23:05:45 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp WE MUST NEVER FORGET! "Microsoft Bob" "The New Dick Van Dyke Show" "Bananarama" YOU'RE WELCOME! -- K. P.S.: DARVA CONGER!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: My favorite sci.physics Subject: header of the week... Date: Thu, 11 May 2000 23:14:37 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Here Comes A Meme: In sci.astro, sci.physics, and sci.physics.relativity, "Jim Graber (James S. Graber)" (jgraber@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Subject: Not proportional to jerk at all? I humbly submit to all Mankind that we work the expression "You're not even proportional to a jerk at all, bumbass!" into our everyday lives. -- K. I almost mis-typed "Meme" in "Here Comes A Meme". Now THAT would have started a memetic fire on alt.religion.kibology! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: British Maggots Ruled Taxable Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 02:25:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press brings us this urgent announcement: > > Subject: British Maggots Ruled Taxable (The Queen is apparently in the habit of referring to her subjects as "British maggots", while she wears leather and spanks them with a Ping-Pong paddle.) > LONDON (AP) -- In the matter of Her Majesty's Government vs. > Fluff Ltd., the maggots lost. But I thought that the white stuff was marshmallow! I am never buying another jar of Fluff! (Not even if they sponsor a second movie produced by Roger Corman's company featuring Garrett Morris's head exploding!) > Justice Hugh Laddie ruled Thursday against Fluff, a company > based in Colchester that sells maggots to fishermen through its > Mag-It vending machines. And then you put your New Pence in and push the button for the maggots and it flashes a sign, "SOLD OUT - CHOOSE ANOTHER" and the only other things in the machine are GROSS! > The company was appealing a 1998 decision by the Value Added Tax > Tribunal, which ruled that the maggots were bait and thus subject > to the broad-based sales tax of 17.5 percent. > That would add 52 cents to the $3 cost of a pint container > holding more than 2,000 maggots. Fluff argued that the maggots were > animal feed, and thus tax-exempt. > The judge rejected the argument that anything an animal will eat > should be classed as food. If that were true, he said, straw hats > would be exempt as well. Yeah, and we all know it would be bad if straw hats weren't heavily taxed! > ``These maggots are not supplied as an animal feeding stuff for > fish, that is to say for the purpose of feeding and growing fish. > These are supplied to entice fish towards hooks,'' the judge ruled. JUDGE UNDERSTANDS CONCEPT OF FISHING, FILM AT ELEVEN. -- K. If nobody buys any maggots from the machine for a week, does it fill up with flies and explode? And if so, does it go "BANGZZZZZZZZZZ"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: 'Millionaire' contestant's final answer: ABC lawsuit Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 02:39:33 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com United Press International wrote: > > PALM BEACH GARDENS, Fla. (UPI) -- Rob Gelbman of Palm Beach > Gardens, Fla., came away from the ABC's "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" > with a paltry $1,000 AW, POOR BABY! > but still wants to be a millionaire and is suing the network, the > Palm Beach Post reported Thursday. > Gelbman, in his suit, asked ABC for another chance on the > program or $2 million. And now another visit to The Bizarro World! Rob Gelman: "I demand two million dollars!" Tim Kazurinsky: "Yes, you lost on TV, so therefore you deserve double the prize you're not entitled to. Here, have too much money!" > He said his answer to a $32,000 question on the show last > summer -- deemed wrong by the show -- was just as accurate as the one > provided on the program. He said the question was ambiguous. > He was asked which of the signs of the Zodiac comes last and > the choices were Aquarius, Aries, Leo and Scorpio. He said Aquarius. > Show host Regis Philbin said, "Rob, I'm sorry, the answer was Scorpio." > But Gelbman, 34, said the Zodiac cycle begins with the vernal > equinox in the spring and doesn't follow the calendar year, in which > case his answer would be correct. > Gelbman said he had earlier tried to get back on the show but > officials told him that the phrase "beginning in January" was included > in the question -- implying the calendar year was being referenced -- > and that his answer was therefore incorrect. > "It was an ambiguous question," said Gelbman, because they didn't say WHICH January came first! The regular one or the one that makes Aquarius come last! > who says he is a member of Mensa, a society for people who score in > the top 2 percent on intelligence tests. Note the wording: He _says_ he is a member of Mensa. (Of course, he would say that, as you'd expect superintelligent people to be experts on astrology and the other hard sciences!) > "If I'd have said Scorpio, they could have said the answer was Aquarius." Yeah, and if he had said the secret Masonic power word "TubalCain", he MIGHT have been able to crush Regis Philbin with beams that came out of his ears! You gotta love any lawsuit which is predicated on the fact that they didn't do anything wrong, BUT THEY COULD HAVE! > Since the show, which was taped Aug. 17 and aired Aug. 18, Gelbman > has been so preoccupied that he has been unable to pass tests required > to work as a computer programmer, he said. OH NO! I FORGOT TO STUDY FOR THE IMAGINARY TESTS I'M REQUIRED TO TAKE BEFORE I'M ALLOWED TO USE A COMPUTER! That's okay, I'll just tell my boss I can't do my work because I'm filing a nuisance lawsuit against a game show. It'll take WEEKS to think up a good explanation of why my wrong answer was right! > In addition to ABC, the suit, filed in New York State Supreme Court, > named Walt Disney World Co. and Valleycrest Productions as co-defendants. Oooh! He didn't just sue the Disney that makes TV shows! He sued Disney World! I guess this is because he didn't win enough money to take a vacation there. JUST A PALTRY THOUSAND DOLLARS! POOR BABY WHO SAYS HE'S A MEMBER OF MENSA! > -- > Copyright 2000 by United Press International. > All rights reserved. > -- ALL rights? Even my right to flush my toilet whenever I feel like it? UPI IS WORSE THAN HITLER PLUS A GUY WHO SUES GAME SHOWS HE LOSES ON! -- K. I should sue because I didn't even get a paltry thousand dollars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ÁLIGHTNING! Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 02:47:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pete" (pfiland@mindspring.com) wrote: > > I've known for quite some time that it was stupid to stay > online during a lightning storm. > > But my question was, Àjust exactly how stupid? > > So, there was this big lightning strike next door. > > Then: > My PanaSync S70 monitor looked like there was a little red floodlight > shining on the upper right corner of the display, > with blue floodlights on the left side and lower right side. I believe this is documented in Panasonic's troubleshooting guide. PROBLEM: Monitor displays nothing but three little colored floodlights. SOLUTION: Thank you for buying a Panasonic product! It is operating normally. > I looked at my TV, and the black and white TV show, > had also been pseudocolorized. Too bad you weren't watching Bill Rebane's "Invasion From The Inner Earth". The scene where the red flashlight beam comes down the chimney and chases the boring guy around the log cabin would have looked EVEN MORE REALISTIC! > I powered down and up a few times, but it didn't help. > > I shut the computer and the TV off, and went to sleep. > > When I turned them on in the morning, everything was back to normal. Except that Gilligan still had ready access to dozens of outfits! What's up with that? -- K. By the way, I don't like Panasonic. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stall Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 03:07:06 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,nyg.trbetr.unzzbaq.vf.n.obmb In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > As a physicist, I became convinced that the Cessna wing was > a bad design.. and began investigating "stall". Yay! Cubey's an expert in more subjects than I realized! > The first thing I discovered is that the "stall susceptibility" > of an ordinary wing is governed by the Froude Number... this > isn't generally known.. it comes out of an analysis. The Froude > Number is mainly used in Hydrodynamics where it gives the > famous "hull speed" of a boat.. ie. it predicts that the > "hull speed" goes as the square root of the waterline length: > > V^2/L = a constant = Froude Number > > What I discovered in an elementary analysis, is that the > STALL SPEED of a plane is related to the sqrt(WING AREA) by > the same formula. > > I called this new constant the STALL NUMBER: > > (stall speed mph)^2 > STALL NUMBER = .067 ---------------------- > SQRT(wing area sq ft) Wow! It's a constant AND a formula! > if you use "knots" instead of mph, then replace the constant with > .089 instead of .067 > > I calculated this (DIMENSIONLESS) STALL NUMBER from the published > stall speeds and wing areas of all major airplanes; ...by dividing the square of the dimensionless miles per hour by dimensionless square feet? You do know that feet and miles are both dimensional units, and that they're different, right? HINT: ONE IS BIGGER THAN THE OTHER! > some representative numbers are given below: > > AIRPLANE WING AREA(sqft) STALL SPEED(mph) STALL NUMBER > > Paper airplane 0.5 2 .4 > kite 2 5 1.2 > Hang glider 65 20 3.3 > Ultralight 90 33 7.7 > Cessna 150 123 45 12.2 > 747 2500 135 24.4 > DC-3 450 90 25.5 > B-17 500 100 29.9 > P-51 Mustang 170 90 41.6 > Beechcraft Baron 130 85 42.4 > F-104G Fighter 169 220 249.0 > Cruise Missile 5 200 1198.0 George Hammond's 6(r^2) 1 10 cubical head (he stalls at that number unless he can take his shoes off) > The last column lists the (dimensionless) STALL NUMBER for each > of these well known planes. As you can see they are in ascending > order. Even the planes which aren't planes. > According to my analysis, the STALL NUMBER is a basic > "stall-spin stability" index... It's a CONSTANT, a FORMULA, and an INDEX all in one! It's THREE different kinds of dimensionless numbers gotten by dividing miles per hour by feet! > in fact a general "aerodynamic performance index" of the most basic kind. > Obviously, any plane with a STALL NUMBER less than about 15 should > be flown like a crate of eggs.. especially on takeoff or landing > or in any manuvers. If the STALL NUMBER is below 7, the thing is > practically in the "falling leaf" category and should be flown > very carefully. > The Cessna-150 only has a Stall Number of 12.2 > and comes in behind the Piper Tomahawk and the other one of the > low priced three... It has one of the lowest STALL NUMBERS > of comparable planes in the general aviation fleet.. and people > should not horse around in it at low altitudes and be very > careful in high winds. The low Stall Number confirms my original > intuition that the "Cessna wing" is a bad wing. Yeah! A little Cessna would fly so much better if you bolted a pair of 747 wings to it! -- K. I'm surprised his dimensionless made-up number doesn't have a few Abians mixed in. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.fan.beable,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stall Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 06:29:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, Edward Green (erg@panix.com) wrote: > > Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > > > [...re George Hammond's shape-shifting "constant"...] > > > > You lose this word game. Better luck next time. > > Lose? I was reading your rant with amusement up to this point. Lose? > What is this, some high school peeing contest? Oh no! It's a high school peeing contest! And I forgot to study! And I came to school in my underwear! > Pursuing the ridiculous quibble, it is quite compatible with a > "constant" being associated with each plane or there to > be several values of it, depending of swept wing or flap positioning. > Your objection is without substance. > > Anyway, your incontinent post was laced with all capital letters. > Therefore, by the rules of USENET, you had already lost. Please tell us where we can find these rules that say someone loses something or other whenever they use multiple capital letters here on capital u capital s capital e capital n capital e capital t. > However, considering the low-life newsgroups this has leaked into, > including one fathered by a man who mocks paranoid schizophrenics who > have the misfortune of having posted their delusions to USENET, I > expect no less. Yeah! People should not be allowed to make fun of people who act like bozos! People should only be allowed to make fun of sane, respected people! Crazy and stupid people have more rights than do sane people -- it's in the Constitution! -- K. And regarding fathering newsgroups, please don't talk about vulgar subjects such as humans having sex with newsgroups, at least not here on this family capital u capital s capital e capital n capital e capital t. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Stall Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 08:49:24 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics, Steven B. Harris (sbharris@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > [...] > > If you look at those airplanes, it's the F-104 that flies like a > bunch of car keys. No wonder I can never find my car keys! They're somewhere over the Persian Gulf shooting planes down! -- K. I just hope my smart cards don't drop any smart bombs. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another 'crush video' case Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 03:21:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) alerted me to this article in a newspaper in Spokane: > > Woman sentenced for role in 'crush' videos > > Associated Press - > > OKEECHOBEE, Fla. - A woman pleaded no contest to animal cruelty > for her part in "crush" videos, which show women crushing small > animals with their feet. > > Stephanie Loudermilk, 29, was sentenced Friday to two years of > probation, 300 hours of community service and psychiatric counseling. > > The videos were made by Loudermilk's husband, Bryan, who died in June > after being crushed under the rear wheel of his own truck. [CUT TO NELSON FROM "THE SIMPSONS" POINTING AND YELLING "HAW, HAW!"] > The tapes are sold to people who get sexual pleasure from watching women > crushing rats, mice and other small animals. Loudermilk was seen stepping > on rabbits and mice until they were dead. EQUIVALENCE OF RATS AND RABBITS ~ RABBITS MUST BE CRUSHED UNTIL THEY BECOME RATS ALTER THE KINKY COSMIC PARAMETERS OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM TO MAKE IT IMPOSSIBLE TO EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN SINCERELY ALEXANDER ABIAN'S MUMMIFIED GHOST > "It was abhorrent and cruel," said Assistant State Attorney Bernard > Romero, adding he sought a lesser penalty because "It was the defense's > contention that she was not a willing participant (in the videos) and that > she was beaten many times by Bryan Loudermilk." ...a man who was LOUDER THAN MILK! You couldn't even hear his Rice Krispies! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ratification Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 03:32:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "slosh" (sloshfake@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Who thinks it would be cool if the word 'ratify' meant 'to be turned into a > rat'? As in "Help! Help! I'm being ratified!"> > > [...] > > I think that this would be cool. I hate to think what you're going to say about "testify". -- K. After you're testified, you look like Q*Bert! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Son of: I like my new stapler! Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 03:44:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Theresa Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Just think what wacky burrito adventures Kibo could > have at the 7-11 if _he_ had microwave eyes. You mean you haven't heard? My eyes not only emit microwaves, but my butt is a fabric softener! > Hijinks would ensue! I don't know, I think the 7-Eleven staff already know many ways to ruin a "The El Taco" without needing me to destroy one by cooking it properly. Have you tried one of these yet? I'll say this for "The El Taco": It's better than the 3/4-dollar, 3/4-pound hot dog at the Westward Ho casino. Of course, so is having your eyes poked out from behind. My favorite microwavable convenience store food is those White Castle burgerlets that come in plastic packets of two. Not only do White Castles taste exactly the same whether you microwave them yourself or buy them at an actual classy White Castle restaurant (except that they put pickles on them and if you microwave your own you're not allowed to have pickles) but they have interesting microwave properties: Normally I microwave them and let the plastic pouch go "POOF!" as the burgers cook. But occasionally the seam along the bottom just splits open a little and the excess steam squeezes out, but then as they cool down air can't get back in because the burgers are sitting on the seam, and the packet shrivels up and crushes the vacuum-packed burgers which become tiny wrinkly things that still taste like White Castles. -- K. If you people ask nicely I'll tell you about my Close Encounter With Extreme Stupidity at a White Castle outlet in Richfield, Minnesota. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Son of: I like my new stapler! Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 06:16:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you people ask nicely I'll tell you about my Close Encounter > > With Extreme Stupidity at a White Castle outlet in Richfield, Minnesota. > > Oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeeease!!! I'm not sure your "pleeeeeeeease" was nice enough. Needs more e's. But I'll tell you the story anyway. Because you deserve to hear it because I deserve more admiration. I had eaten at the White Castle in northern Minneapolis (near the Museum Of Quackery) which had wallpaper with nice sketches of a transparent castle spraying pink and blue confetti across the countryside. Then I ate at the one immediately behind Governor Wrestler's office in St. Paul, where the wallpaper had little baby blue and navy blue castles that looked like Monopoly houses. Finally, I ate at the White Castle in Richfield (suburb south of Minneapolis) which had solid white walls. While I was eating, a guy came in and began talking to the counterwoman. "How much is a Coke?" "What size -- large, small, or medium?" "Large." "A dollar nineteen." He looked like he couldn't afford that. "How much is a small?" "Eighty-nine cents." That was still too much, so next the brainiac said... "And the medium?" She told him, "A dollar nine." "Uh, can I just get a glass of water?" "Sorry, we don't serve water." He grumbled, "WHAT IF THERE'S A FUCKING FIRE!" and stormed out, upset that he couldn't get a free drink at a for-profit restaurant. He stormed out, not noticing the public drinking fountain in the middle of the dining area. DUH DUH DUH DUH!!! So, anyway, the people in Minnesota are unfailingly polite, friendly, and perky, except for one guy who's dense and hostile and doesn't understand that medium is not smaller than small. I bet he's not even going to enter their yearly contest to see who can cook up the cleverest recipe involving ten mashed-up White Castle burgers! (Who would consider them a recipe ingredient? I thought everyone either hated them or would consider them so perfect that they wouldn't mix them in with anything else...) "Look, honey, I made Jell-O salad with mini-marshmallows and squishy mini-hamburgers! It's lime and liver flavored!" -- K. Why are White Castles open 24 hours a day? I'd think that at 3 A.M., either the White Castle would be deserted and creepy, or else it would contain other people who couldn't possibly be anyone you'd want to eat anywhere near because what sort of psycho would go to White Castle at 3 A.M.? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Mono/Poly Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 03:54:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Fire Engines All Day Long" (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > I got my Mono/Poly yesterday. I can sing the entire theme song to "TV Monopoly". Especially the part that goes "MONOPOLY MONOPOLY, MONOPOLY MONOPOLY, M... O... N... O... P-O-L-Y!" > I figure since Kibo wrote at length about his new digital camera, > it would be okay for me to talk about my respective transitional object. GREETINGS EARTH CITIZEN WE SHALL NOW COMPARE RESPECTIVE TRANSITIONAL OBJECTS AND OTHER MEANS OF STIMULATING OUR HIGH BRAINS WITH CONETIC ENERGY AND MASS QUANTITIES OF WHITE CASTLE EXTRUDED COW PUREE SANDWICHES. > [...] > So why did I get such a relatively good deal on a Mono/Poly from eBay? > Well, honestly, it's a bit of a fixer-upper. It needs to have some of its > key contacts cleaned as some of the keys don't trigger, which I knew > before I bought it, and its arpeggiator doesn't seem to work, which I > didn't. Isn't an arpeggiator the musical instrument that the evil Duran Duran strapped Jane Fonda into in "Barbarella"? Or am I confusing it with a different movie starring a naked Commie having sex in outer space? > [...] > > Everyone should have something that invites experimentation the way the > Mono/Poly does. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make love to my > Mono/Poly. And if you'll excuse me, it's time to turn on The Old Game Show Network for "TV Scrab/Ble". -- K. Can your Mono/Poly make the "stopper" sound effect from "TV Scrabble"? bididdle bididdle bididdle BLORF!!! And I'm still mad that I never got to see the _original_ pilot episode of "TV Monopoly" that featured a midget walking around. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The explanation of... BackSlappers! Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 05:43:34 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com I had been thinking about "BackSlappers" lately. "Ah, BackSlappers," I would have said to myself, had I genuinely cared about "BackSlappers" and not merely been thinking _about_ it. "But what is 'BackSlappers'?" you ask. So, I thought about how to best answer that question with the least effort. I figured I'd just pull up every mention of "BackSlappers" from the archive of my postings, and press the "REPOST" button on my computer. But all the previous mentions of "BackSlappers" had been in passing. It seems that there was no Original Meme Injection of "BackSlappers" into alt.religion.kibology (or if there were, it wasn't preserved) so I was just assuming everyone knew what the heck I was talking about, when actually nobody ever did. But now everyone will! I shall now explain the joy of "BackSlappers"! One fine day, around 1995, I was poking through the clearance-slash-remainder bin at a local electronics store. I found a computer "game" (I use the term loosely) marked down to $1.99 (from an original price of around ten dollars.) "A fun program!" said the box. Wow! A fun program at only a fifth of the original price! So I had to have it! I checked the system requirements, and it needed an IBM PC with MS-DOS 2.0. For those of you too young to remember Windows 1 through 94, the timeline of history went like this: NOW --> Windows 2000 Windows 98 Windows NT 4.0 Windows 95 Windows NT 3.51 Windows For Workgroups 3.1 Windows 3.0 Windows 2.0 Windows 1.0 MS-DOS 6.0 MS-DOS 5.0 MS-DOS 4.0 MS-DOS 3.0 MS-DOS 2.0 ANCIENT MS-DOS 1.0 HISTORY --> Atari 2600 MS-DOS 2.0 would have been in the mid-1980s. Another sign that this unloved program had been on the clearance shelf for ten years was that it was on a five-inch floppy disk. Those of you who don't own Macs are probably familiar with floppy disks, which are three-and- a-half-inch-wide hard plastic things which don't flop. In the dark days of the Reagan era, personal computers (such as the IBM "PC" brand computer -- they sued other people who said their computers were also "PC"s) typically used larger, floppier five-and-a-quarter-inch disks. (This is the reason compact disks and DVDs were picked to be that size, by the way, to fit in all the old slots vacated by obsolete 5.25" floppy disk drives.) These old disks did not have the protective metal shutter that keeps you from touching the important magnetic part, and in place of a hard plastic shell they had a piece of folded black paper. BackSlappers was sold on one of these. Another sign of BackSlappers being an old program -- and pathetic even for its era -- was that it was a BASIC program. Not a compiled BASIC program. Not a Visual Basic program. I mean a BASIC program like the kind you may have seen in textbooks for your computer history classes. This program did two things: 1. It allowed you to pick one from a list of about twenty insults, or type your own (up to 40 letters), and then 2. It allowed you to print it on a one-by-three-inch yellow file folder label, provided you had an Epson MX-80 printer. Epson MX-80 printers were what they called "tractor-feed dot-matrix" printers, which means they made "SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH!" noises (only louder than that) and they required special paper with peel-off-able strips of sprocket holes running down the sides. BackSlappers included a strip of ten little file-folder labels (estimated retail value five cents) suitable for feeding into one of these beasts, for the purpose of printing insults on them. So that you could then put a sticker on your only remaining friend's back. A sticker saying "HAS NEVER SEEN SOAP!" or "THINKS ELVIS IS ALIVE!" Most of the BASIC program was devoted to drawing a box around the list of witty witty insults (those are the only two I remember, unfortunately) and to the elaborate mathematical procedure of centering the insult on the little label. Something like this: 140 REM I$ IS A WITTY WITTY INSULT HA HA HA 150 REM NOW TURN ON SUPER-HEFTY DOUBLE-WIDTH PRINTING AND CENTER IT 160 PRINT CHR$(14), LEFT$(" ",(LEN(I$)-40)/2), I$ 170 END I feel that BackSlappers is not only the most pathetic computer program ever sold in a professionally-mass-produced package in stores by today's standards, but that it was also the most pathetic computer program of its primitive era. TEN DOLLARS FOR THIS? -- K. I find it impossible to conceive of a more worthless purchase, except for half the stuff that gets posted on eBay. "FOR SALE, ONE PERFECTLY GOOD HALF A PAIR OF PANTS. SOME ORGANIC STAINS. THE SIZE WILL BE A SURPRISE TO THE BUYER. MINIMUM BID 25c, PLUS TEN DOLLARS SHIPPING." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: surprises at the pool Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 07:30:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Leo Sgouros (lsgouro1@tampabay.rr.com) wrote: > > I just came back in from a quick hot-tub session.There were some drunks > just leaving, and the last thing they said to me was "if you find a glass > eye please leave it where we can find it.Our friend lost his glass > eye".Uhuh.Sure bub, whatever.So I get out of the hot tub to hit the pool and > do a few laps, and somewhere I stopped and stood up.I felt something under > one of my feet.What do you think it was? The Earth's gravitational pull? > Next time I might believe drunk people when they talk about losing body > parts. I'd just like to know which orifice it popped out of during the randy gay eyeball sex orgy in the hot-tub you inherited. -- K. "I had my eye on the hot tub when Leo Sgouros stepped on it." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: surprises at the pool Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 04:39:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Jim Vandewalker (jimvan@gate.net) wrote: > > [on Leo Sgouros stepping on a glass eye] > > What I'd like to know is if it was a full-round eyeball like a ping-pong > ball with an iris on one side which I guess would be used to replace an > entire missing or excised eyeball, or if it was a sort of really big > contact-lens type thingy which fits over a damaged and consequently > gross-looking but nevertheless present eyeball. So which one was it? Real prosthetic glass eyes aren't spherical, they're sort of lumpen. The spherical kind can be had from movie special-effects companies (bloodshot costs extra, they glue on red threads before they glaze it.) I know because... I HAVE ONE OF EACH KIND!!! That's what gives me my super-vision powers. You can tell whenever I'm using my bionic vision because you'll hear "BOOP BOOP BOOP" and a large crosshair will appear covering the head of whoever I'm looking at. Sometimes it freaks them out and they try to brush it off but they can't. Later I'm hoping to get a Steadicam attachment for my glass eye. Sure, it will be annoying having fifty pounds of gyroscopes sticking out of my eyes on sticks, but it'll be worth it to keep my eye pointed directly ahead at all times to help prevent me from accidentally looking at anything gross, like a glass eye on the floor. -- K. Burman Foam Latex in Hollywood is a good source for realistically- painted spherical glass eyes, if you need to build a robotic Lincoln for your theme park. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Looking for Einstein's Book Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 07:51:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, "STAR1SHIP" (star1ship@aol.com) wrote: > > Hello, > I have been looking for a book I read in 1963 that may be the signed deathbed > confession of Albert Einstein claiming it was he and not Leo Szilard that > invented the atomic bomb and saying he never said that nothing could exceed > light speed with descriptions of why and how such a machine could be found. You are confusing Albert Einstein with that other famous German scientist, Ludwig Von Drake. If you look closely you'll find that the person who drew that book signed Walt Disney's name on it. > Interlibrary loan and Amazon.com could not locate the book. The book has been > out of print for a long time but may be located in some older libraries, > juvenile section and especially those still using the Dewey decimal system. The book in question would more likely be in libraries using the Huey or Louie decimal system. Also, how does a library's choice of what sort of code number to put on the sticker make their collection have different books? Is the book you have described one which cannot be placed in any library using the Library Of Congress system because it has it has an OBSCENE CALL NUMBER? > The unlisted (ghost?) co-author was Albert Einstein Yeah, if Albert Einstein wrote a book, the marketing people wouldn't want his name prominently printed on it. > so I recall it was labeled an autobiography though called a biography > when listed in the library of congress classification. > > I suspect the distribution was to schools grade K1 to 12, but not where > I have looked. The unusual name spelling was his birth and probably > burial name. I think Wild E. Cyote PhD over in alt.sci.physics.new-theories could help you track down this Elbert Ienstien. > I found a web link under the name but could not identify the language > beyond a Mediterranean country. Well, that clinches it! It's well-known that Einstein secretly wrote children's books in Greek for secret distribution to grades kindergarten through twelve but only to schools whose libraries used God's Dewey Decimal System! You doubt he was Greek? Look at his mustache! That proves it! > It may be one of the books removed in an FBI sweep of the Nation's > libraries in the 1970's as it taught how to build his invention > (atomic bomb-with Impact and not chain reaction as cause for > atom splitting releasing energy). This was after an American kindergartener who could read Greek built a nuclear bomb and destroyed the state of Jersey. Then it was secretly rebuilt overnight as New Jersey. > Any collective conscience memories from this group about the book or can any > actually locate a physical copy I could access. I am not a bomb freak but a > rocket freak who has the knowledge (or delusion of) the rocket engine he > predicted was possible to find. > > The original book source quote would determine if I am deluded (took leave > of my senses:) or I am truly the world's top rocket scientist (by definition) > with a faster than light engine. I would tend to believe him as I read > the explosive ordinance manual inadvertently published (20,000 copies > to public library reference shelves) by the US government printing office > listing impact as the cause of detonation for uranium and plutonium bombs. > I did not see this U.S. publication as a "sign of genius" but good > verification of a children's book and my work. Yes, keep working to verify children's books. Let us know when you finish proving "The Poky Little Puppy." SOMEDAY POKY LITTLE PUPPIES WILL POWER OUR HOMES! POKY LITTLE PUPPIES WILL BE TOO CHEAP TO METER! POKY LITTLE PUPPY TO THE STARS! > Regards, > Thomas H. Jackson > inventor-see > > http://members.aol.com/tjac780754/indexb.htm > > Find below book please.... > > Library of congress search- > -------------- > Author: Freeman, Mae Blacker, 1907- [from old catalog] > Title: øAipart Ainstain. > Published: [1962] > Description: p. cm. > LC Call No.: QC16.E5F7318 > Notes: Romanized. > Subjects: Einstein, Albert, 1879-1955. [from old catalog] > Other authors: Mahadevan, R., [from old catalog] tr. > Control No.: 6186360 I think we should find people named Olbart Oenstone and Ulvert Uensteen and get them together with Aipart Ainstain and Elbert Ienstien and put velvet ropes around them with a big sign saying "MUSEUM OF ALL POSSIBLE MISSPELLINGS OF 'ALBERT EINSTEIN'." And have them all write a children's book together and then go on tour singing Backstreet Boys hits. -- K. Or Village People. After all, the Village People always had that guy dressed as Einstein! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: a scene with no script around it. Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 09:21:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com (ANCIENT GREEK FONZIE enters.) ANCIENT GREEK FONZIE Alphaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! -- K. I wish I knew how to say "Sit on it!" in some dead languages, so I could tell all those dead nerds to SIT ON IT! Especially Xerxes. He picked that name just to get his picture in all the alphabet books printed in the 1800s! But then his evil plot was foiled when the xylophone was invented by Alexander Graham Xylo. In any case, I apologize for this article only being one line long, and I promise to do better next time I write one about Fonzie being Greek. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Who Made God? Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 22:01:51 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "Smart1234" (smart1234@aol.com) wrote: > > I use to say a long time ago, it's ok to eat meat on friday, except maybe > respect Good Friday, and this wasn't catholic policy... . Then one day they > finally came around to thinking like me ( hehehe).... . If you check now, we > can eat meat on Friday, without it being a sin.... . So man made laws can be > changed in the catholic church. Hey, everyone! It's the hot new dance craze that's sweeping the nation! DO THE SMART1234! BOMP-BA-BA-LOO-BOMP-A-DOMP-A- DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! BOMP! Everybody join in! You make some dots with your left foot, then you take a step, you make a dot with your right foot, then you do it all again! DOODLE-DOO-DOO-DOOTIE-DOO-DOO- DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! DOT! DOT! DOT! DOT! SPACE! DOT! SPACE! DOOT! -- K. This is the only dance that looks the same in Braille and Morse. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: clarification Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 23:34:50 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Olivia Fortuna (o_fortuna@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Just to make sure I get this straight: alt.religion.kibology is about > bees and enemas and needy chicks with low self-esteem, and the one sure > way to get Kibo to respond to a post is to mention fonts, right? It helps if you staple a dollar to the top left corner of your message. -- K. It helps even more if you staple a dollar to MY message. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.mike-jittlov From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: TofuRella! Date: Fri, 12 May 2000 23:52:47 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp "Dagoril" of no E-mail address wrote: > > Do those of you living in the Boonies, i.e. not-LosAngeles, have the > grocery store Trader Joe's? I didn't think so. I do believe I may have mentioned on more than one occasion that I have been to the one across the street from where I work. Or one of the other several Trader Joe's Factory-Reject Food Outlets here in Boston. > Boy are you missing a treat! I just got the new Fearless Flyer in the mail, Trader Joe's has your name and address? QUICK, MOVE! AND CHANGE YOUR NAME! > and one of the new products sold by TJ is Tofurella! > I'll let the flyer expullain... > > ----------- > TofuRella Cheese Alternative, Low Fat-No Cholesterol > > TofuRella was developed as an alternative to cheese for people who are > concerned with cholesterol, calories and fat, but who miss eating cheese. I am the exact opposite. Could we please develop something for people who like cholesterol and do not want to eat either cheese or fake cheese? Something like bacon fried in butter on a White Castle burger where the five little holes have been stuffed with more bacon. And then the whole thing is wrapped in bacon and deep-fried and topped with a creamy sauce. With bacon bits made from veal! > TofuRella combines the flavor of cheese with the health benefits > of organic tofu. As opposed to silicon-based inorganic tofu from the planet Tofulon! > Although TofuRella melts, Eww! > stretches Eww! > and tastes like cheese, EWWWWWWW!!! > it has no lactose or cholesterol and has about half the fat and > calories of regular cheese. There is no saturated or animal fat in > TofuRella. No saturated or unsaturated fun, either. > Note: While Tofurella is a soy product, it does contain casein, a > protein from milk. I.e. it's powdered milk with just enough tofu stirred in to make it pass for a fake dairy product when it is really a FAKE fake dairy product MADE FROM MILK!!! -- K. Say hi to Mike Jittlov if you see him at your local Trader Joe's in Los Angeles, right before closing time at 8 P.M. And whatever you do, DON'T EAT THE ARTIFICIAL-BUTTER-FLAVORED CHICKEN NUGGETS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PlayStation 2 US Release in Oct. Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 05:29:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com From an Associated Press article about the important subject of video games: -> -> Nintendo also showed a preview of an N64 game that seemed to -> break decidedly with the company's tradition of keeping the games -> relatively family-safe. -> ``Cocker's Bad Hair Day'' features large-breasted women in -> bikinis and a squirrel who defeats opponents by urinating on them. -> The game, rated ``Mature,'' will be sold this fall. Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > So an "Immature" game would feature diverse women in > modest but powerful-looking suits and a squirrel who > defeats opponents using logic and rhetoric? > > And the squirrel is Bertrand Russell? Could be worse. It could be Helena Russell who defeats opponents by being very, very, very serious when she explains that "reversed polarity is the first stage towards antimatter." That reminds me, I need to try to read "Principia Mathematica" all the way through again. That is, I've read it before, but I got bored and found something else to do before I got to the famous mistake. > And this one time? At concentration camp? We played > spin the bottle? And I had to kiss this guy? With > tuberculosis? And it was really gross? But I had to > do it? Because those are the rules? It's mean of you to be against Naziism just because the Nazis had the worst party games! Stop being so prejudiced against people who are thoroughly evil!!! -- K. Confidential to Brian Chase and Joe Bay: When mocking a ClariNet article, you need to blank out the "Distribution: cl-1,cl-2,cl-3..." header if you want anyone to see it who doesn't already have access to the article via a really expensive ClariNet subscription. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Explanations are in order. Date: Sat, 13 May 2000 08:14:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com By popular request, I've added a description of Panty Cat (with pictures) to the exegesis on my Web site: http://www.kibo.com/exegesis/panty_cat.shtml While I'm revising this exegesis, I would like to solicit requests for other alt.religion.kibology memes/jargon/in-jokes that deserve explanation. For instance, my to-do list includes "bumbass", "all over you screen", "bee in a balloon", "Muppet Crotch", "liverwort", and so on. Anyway, if you need the significance of something explained to you, mail your favorite word to exegesis@kibo.com <-- MAIL HERE! NOT ELSEWHERE! ...and I will take it under advisement. Particularly if you write your request on message made out of delicious candy. -- K. I am performing this valuable service because Matt McIrvin refuses to explain anything to anyone nowadays. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 04:34:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics, "Xaonon" (xaonon@aol.com) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > It's a fact of genetics that your own parents are only > > 50% genetically related to you. > > Fifty percent _from each parent_, doofus. Unless your family lives > in a vat of nuclear waste (something I've not yet ruled out), > a hundred percent of your genes came from your biological parents. You're also assuming he _had_ biological parents. I think it's more likely he had entomological parents. > > [...] > > > > I would be interested to know what conventional genetics wisdom > > has to say about this theory? > > Well, by your logic, selective mating would create fewer and fewer > stupid people as time went on. Since we've still got circle squarers, > perpetual motion machine inventors, and people who think the brain > is a cube, I'd say your hypothesis is wrong. Are you implying that George Hammond might someday _mate_? AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THAT! YOU HAVE RENDERED MY BRAIN UNCLEAN! MUST... WASH... OUT... BRAIN... WITH... SOAP!!! -- K. I envision a pair of little cubical toddlers rolling around on the green baize carpet... craps all over the floor... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 18:19:58 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sci.physics.cubey In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Oh get off it... you're begging the question. it's a known fact that > "identical twins" who have identical DNA, RESEMBLE each other so > closely nobody can tell them apart even without their clothes on..! Wow, a little while ago you said MOST PEOPLE couldn't tell them apart, now you're inisisting NOBODY could tell them apart. In a few hours, you'll be claiming that NOBODY CAN TELL ANYTHING APART! (If we were all perfect cubes like you, that would be true. Also we'd all have trouble counting to four.) > In some cases minute haphazard differences in their fingerprints > have to be used to tell which one is which. obviously "look alikes" > or doppelgangers more closely approximate identical twins than do > the average brother and sister or parent and child. Therefore > I conclude that their DNA must be more closely identical. You look exactly like this voodoo doll I made out of my Mr. Potato Head. Therefore you are more closely related to Mr. Potato Head than to your real parents. -- K. Unless, of course, your real parents WERE Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 04:43:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sci.physics.cubey In alt.religion.kibology and other places, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > NOTE: Apparently whatever I did by hitting both mouse buttons has > permanently erased the DOPPLEGANGER thread from my Netscape newsreader > and I can't figure out how to retreive it.... so I only see the posts > to DOPPLEGANGER on alt.sci.physics.new-theories. So if I don't reply > to some serious inquiry on sci.physics... that's why. Maybe you should get an iMac. They only have one mouse button. That way you'd never accidentally destroy a large part of the Internet by pressing the right mouse button again. That right mouse button is DANGEROUS! They should have it show you a menu telling you what it does, or something! > [...blather...] > > I've heard this argument before, but again, consider the Elvis Presley > look alike contest that I saw on t.v. the contestants had to appear before > a large audiance of (sexually active) young people. Wouldn't it be distracting to have to judge an Elvis look-alike contest in the middle of the gigantic orgy? > [...] > > once again, I think biologically, if it walks like a duck, talks like > a duck... it IS a duck. Uh... George... ducks... don't... talk. At least not to the rest of us. > [...] > > I could be wron too.. but I DON'T THINK SO. Two minor typos there: You left out a "g", and you included "SO". -- K. What if Elvis talked like a duck? THEN where would your theory be, huh? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 05:32:47 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > An average Elvis Presley look alike contest will produce 50 people > who look far more like Elvis Presley than either of his parents > or any of his children. Therefore I conclude that ALL 50 of those > people are more closely genetically similar to Elvis Presley than > either his parents or his children. But each of those 50 is also genetically similar to some other guy, who is genetically similar to some other guy, who is genetically similar to Kevin Bacon, who is genetically similar to the President, who is genetically similar to some guy, who is genetically similiar to ELVIS'S FATHER!!! Thus, EVERYONE IN THE WORLD IS MORE LIKE ELVIS THAN EVEN ELVIS WAS. Elvis was his own father! And you're your own bozo. -- K. George Hammond can do DNA tests by just takin' a gander at men dressed as Elvis! (At least, that's what he told the police he was doing with the night-vision binoculars.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 03:40:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > I don't need to look any further than the face of the President of > > a foreign country to tell just about everything of interest about > > the country.. it's political system, standard of living, class > > structure, racial makeup, psychological structure, median life > > span, alcoholism rate, crime rate, educational norms, sexual > > taboos, or practically anything else of interest. > > REALLY???? You can really tell all that by looking at > the face of ONE D00D?? That is truly amazing. So what > happens after an election and the President changes? Well, then, the King Of Presidents sends in giant robots built by Stanislaw Lem, named "Woofer" and "Tweeter", to round up all the people who don't look exactly like the President and conceal them in underground bunkers. Also they're all forced to dress up as Napoleon to make them look crazy so that nobody will let them out, unless Napoleon is President that year, in which case they all have to dress up as Einstein. > If the presidents look the same, I guess that the > political system, standard of living, class structure, > racial makeup, psychological structure, median life span, > alcoholism rate, crime rate, educational norms, and sexual > taboos all stay the same, but if they look really different, > then all that stuff instantly changes? Yes. The crime rate has to change if the two Presidents have different Crime Rate Muscles in their foreheads. Also, some countries have oily T-zones! > > Basically, YES, I believe the entire genetic code IS expressed > > in the human face. After all, the eyes are the mirror of the soul, > > right Bud. > > I really doubt that a gene for something totally unrelated > to the face (say, toe length) would have any effect on the > appearance of a person's face. Also, the Y chromosome is mainly expressed in the Adam's Apple, which isn't part of the face unless you define "face" to include "everything but the toes". And then Cubey would have to tell the King Of Presidents to send Woofer and Tweeter to chop off everyone's toes to suppress the genes for toe length. And nobody would be allowed to make fun of how short Cubey's toes were!!! > Humans have got heaps of genes, and lots of them are thought to > do things that have nothing whatsoever to do with facial appearance. > Lots of them are supposed to do absolutely nothing, if my > understanding of genetics is correct. Yes... BUT!!! Lots of PEOPLE do absolutely nothing! Therefore my genetics are 100% expressed in THOSE OTHER PEOPLE!!! > So two people could have matching genes for all the genes that > actually do something, but different genes for all the ones that > do nothing. What happens then? What if you have two people who have identical genes but one has this nutty idea that the human brain is a perfect cube and people dressed up as Elvis with Elvis wigs become genetically identical to Elvis? Would you say that the two people are similar even though one of them has weird ideas and the other is running away really fast? > How does your theory account for all the "junk genes" that > don't have any effect at all? There's a sticker on his theory that says "Some settling of genetic material may have occurred during shipping and handling. May contain traces of peanus." -- K. Also, suppose the Human Genome Project, which recently completed assembling the entire genetic map of a human, based their work on examination of a human who was later revealed to be WORSE THAN HITLER! I hope that whoever they studied, he's less than or equal to Hitler. Otherwise all we'll be able to learn from the project will be that doctors could tell us, "These tests show you're 13% worse than Hitler, and a lousy Elvis impersonator!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 02:32:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [about George Hammond's theory that Elvis impersonators are genetically identical to Elvis because your genes determine your hairstyle and jumpsuit] George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > it seems pretty obvious to me that that is TRUE idjut. For example, > I don't need to look any further than the face of the President of > a foreign country to tell just about everything of interest about > the country.. it's political system, standard of living, class > structure, racial makeup, psychological structure, median life > span, alcoholism rate, crime rate, educational norms, sexual > taboos, or practically anything else of interest. Oh really? What can you tell me about England by looking at their President? (Also be sure to back up your theory by proving that you know nothing about England other than what you gleaned from the President's face.) -- K. We'll know whether he's looking at the Prime Minister or Queen Elizabeth by whether he says that everyone in England is male, or everyone in England is female and old. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 17:59:45 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.sci.genetics.plutonium In sci.physics and alt.religion.kibology, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > > > > > [...] > > > > > > An average Elvis Presley look alike contest will produce 50 people > > > who look far more like Elvis Presley than either of his parents > > > or any of his children. Therefore I conclude that ALL 50 of those > > > people are more closely genetically similar to Elvis Presley than > > > either his parents or his children. > > > > But each of those 50 is also genetically similar to some other guy, > > who is genetically similar to some other guy, who is genetically > > similar to Kevin Bacon, who is genetically similar to the President, > > who is genetically similar to some guy, who is genetically similiar > > to ELVIS'S FATHER!!! > > Wait a minute, I can play the numbers game too. 7 is greater than 5. > We know two things: > > 1. On average, the correlation of the genome of > a parent and a chile will be 50% (that's .5 in > scientific notation). > 2. The correlation between identical twins is 100% > 3. Therefore identical twins are TWICE as "related" > as parents are to children, in general. > 4. It's a known fact that identical twins "look > identical", in fact most people can't tell them > apart even without any clothes on (so dress doesn't > have anything to do with it). Uh, Dr. Brainiac Q. Double-Dome, as far as playing the numbers game goes, you seem to have trouble counting "two things". Unless you're dividing your four facts by two because they're bozo facts. Also, MOST people can tell identical twins apart without their clothes on. In fact, ANYONE can do that unless they're a cube-brained bozo who doesn't think to ASK them their names before ripping their clothes off. > I'm just saying that it's obvious to me that two "dead ringers" > who were actually unrelated (like the 50 Elvis look alikes) > would probably genetically correlate 75%, which is MORE than > average parent-child, although LESS than identical twins. > Criminal DNA experts have been identifying people with DNA > for years... you can't tell me they don't already know about this. They don't already know about this. HA! I have ruined your whole "Kibo is physically incapable of ruining my whole theory" theory! You might want to read a book or something. Or at least watch the "Mr. DNA Is Your Friend" cartoon in "Jurassic Park". -- K. I wish Wild E. Cyote PhD would open Bumbassic Park. P.S. Cubey, also, someone should let you know that there's more than one science newsgroup in this modern era. Have you ever considered that your GENETICS theories might find an even more appreciative audience in the newsgroup for mad GENETICISTS and not the newsgroup for mad PHYSICISTS? (These ARE supposed to be genetic theories, right? Or are you just working up to talking about candy like Archie does?) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I am dumb Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 04:40:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ladies and gentlemen... I quote in full: In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Subject: I am dumb > > God did not want me to be good at physics. I am happy I am not good at > physics. > Lizards are not suppose to know more than me about physics even if I am bad > at physics. Dear Kurt, You need a hug. Also when you were making that post you forgot to call yourself a slimy slime who slimes his slime all over the slime that slimy slimes slime from their slimers when they slime slime during slime time, and that's a crime. -- K. You may collect your hug at the Internet's customer service desk. P.S. Please tell us more about the lizards. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: I am dumb Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 07:17:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > Lizards are not suppose to know more than me about physics even > > if I am bad at physics. > > It's funny that he should mention lizards, because I happen to have two > pet lizards and just this morning I caught them dropping little > lizard-sized golf balls off of their lizard perch in an attempt to > calculate acceleration due to gravity. "BAD LIZARDS," I said, "BECAUSE > LIZARDS ARE NOT SUPPOSE TO KNOW ABOUT PHYSICS! KURT STOCKLMEIR SAID > SO!!!!!1" Yeah! And he oughta know! He's the Lizard King Of No Physics! Science works like this: A salamander forms a hypothesis. A newt tests the hypothesis, and shares his data with a skink at the Convention Of Science Lizards. If the skink agrees with the results, the hypothesis becomes a theory and then a butterfly. A chameleon eats the butterfly and the world of the salamander becomes law. > Everyone knows lizards excel in the humanities anyhow. However, bumblebees excel in lizardities. And piranhas excel in bumblebeeosities. At the office there's a deadly deadly piranha in a tank with some goldfish of various sizes. There's one that he's obviously in love with because he's allowed it to grow as long as him, with only a few teeth marks on its sides. -- K. However, he's not as good at physics as the average skink. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: WEB PAGES FOR PH.D. QUALIFYING EXAMS Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 04:47:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.math, Dave L. Renfro (dlrenfro@gateway.net) wrote: > > Recently someone asked in sci.math.research for references > to Ph.D. qualifying exam questions. Since the semester just ended > for me, I decided to spend a few hours today making a list of > every U.S. university whose mathematics department has practice > and/or old Ph.D. qualifying exam questions on the internet. > > [...] > > #################################################################### > #################################################################### > > WEB PAGES FOR PH.D. QUALIFYING EXAMS > > > |----------| > | Alabama | > |------- --| To getcha'self a PhD in Alabammer, all's you gotta do is find a way to get to the center of that REALLY EASY MAZE! -- K. I apologize for not quoting your extensive list of links to PhD qualifying exams, but if Archie Plutonium finds the ones from Harvard we'll never hear the end of it. (Harvard is his least favorite school in downtown Boston.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More Evangelion nonsense Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 05:01:26 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dag Right-square-bracket-gren (d@c3.cx) wrote: > > So, in about episode 7 or so of Neon Genesis Evangelion, there's a nuclear > reactor that has the shutdown code "Kibo". Silly Japanese cartoons can't even check their facts! In real life, typing "Kibo" into a nuclear reactor is what makes it EXPLODE! -- K. WITH WACKINESS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pathfinder to Return to Mars? Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 07:45:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In sci.astro, alt.sci.planetary, and alt.astronomy, Ron Baalke (baalke@kelvin.jpl.nasa.gov) wrote: > > Pathfinder to Return to Mars? > By Andrew Bridges > 12 May 2000 > > PASADENA, Calif. - NASA may send a modified version of its wildly successful > Pathfinder spacecraft on a repeat journey to Mars in 2003, relying on that > mission's tried-and-true method of landing to ensure the probe's survival. Genius! I can just see the wheels in NASA's head turning -- NASA SCIENCE GUY #1: Did we get any signals from the Mars Polar Lander yet? NASA SCIENCE GUY #2: No, we haven't had any transmissions from it since it smashed into the planet really hard and made an Olympic-size crater. NASA SCIENCE GUY #1: Hmmm... what if... next time... when we send something like the Mars Polar Lander... we make the lander LAND instead of crashing? NASA SCIENCE GUY #2: Yeah! And the Mars Climate Orbiter would have survived if we had LANDED it instead of burning it up in the wispy Martian atmosphere! NASA SCIENCE GUY #1: I propose writing a 300-page proposal suggesting we LAND our probes on LAND from now on! NASA SCIENCE GUY #2: Let's get to work! I'll clear the Dungeons & Dragons stuff off the desk! > The proposal is just one of several options being considered for the > upcoming launch opportunity, three NASA scientists told SPACE.com on > Thursday, speaking on condition of anonymity. NASA SCIENCE GUY #1: But whatever you do, don't let the media know that I was the one who suggested it would be good to start landing our probes safely! Dan Goldin would fire me for going against policy! NASA SCIENCE GUY #2: Didja ever notice that NASA scientists always travel in packs of three? NASA SCIENCE GUY #3: Hey, these twenty-sided dice are loaded! > NASA had originally planned to kick off its attempt to return samples of > martian rock and soil to Earth in 2003. NASA has since delayed that effort > in wake of the back-to-back losses of the Mars Climate Orbiter and Polar > Lander spacecraft late last year. So, the Pathfinder rover is going to load itself up with Martian dirt and then drive all the way back to Earth? -- K. Rovers are kind of slow. Why doesn't NASA build a nice fast bullet train to Mars? It would be easy because America owns the property rights all the way to Mars! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.all-worlds,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: god won't let me masturbate Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 18:45:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.religion.all-worlds, "ESzewc" (eszewc@aol.com) wrote: > > god w0n't let me masturbate Maybe God is punishing you for thinking "zero" is a letter. -- K. By the way, is God still putting water in your trash cans? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The Sci-Fi Channel makes my brain hurt! Date: Sun, 14 May 2000 19:04:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Psycho 2" at 1. "Psycho 3" at 3. "Psycho 4" at 5. Time has become schizoid! It's like standing on an escalator and holding onto both handrails when one is going twice as fast as the other. "Psycho 3" is the point at which regular time and Double Time become identical for one microsecond, and then the two universes peel apart forever. Or until the next time they show the same bad movies at the same time of day. -- K. I wish Alfred Hitchcock would turn up and say something droll about the commercials of today. And these sequels to sequels to sequels to actual films made when Hitchcock was actually alive and not on Nick At Nite's TV Land. But the big question is... Is "The Black Hole" supposed to take place before or after the original "Psycho"? (When watching these films, I feel so sorry for Tony Perkins. Not for Norman Bates, for Tony Perkins. "Help! I'm trapped in crap!") ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: ufo people are may be animals Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 02:50:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > It could be true some ufo people are not people. They could be animals > that do not have a soul. > > The lizards are mean. Girls and boys who live on the earth are in big > trouble. Dear Kurt Stockmeir, Thank you for writing that wonderful movie, "Battlefield Earth." You deserve a hug. -- K. From a brontosaurus. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SPQR Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 04:00:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ladies and gentlemen! Behold as the topic drifts from a dead language to the destruction of the Moon and back on a wild trip from 2000 to Ancient Rome to 1998 through the magical power of time travel via archival! You could learn a lot from reading stuff like this!* Bite into my liberry! Darla (darla4695@hfx.eastlink.ca) wrote: > > > > > > > > > > Can anyone here provide the correct Latin for > > > > > "The Senate and the People of Rome" (SPQR) ? Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > > > > > > > Senatus Populusque Romanus, if I recall correctly. Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > > > I'm pretty sure that's right, too, since Romanus is > > > an adjective and would have to be in the same case > > > as the nouns (Senatus and Populus) in the phrase. > > > It's not a full sentence, so there's no reason to > > > put it in any case other than nominative. Joern Rehse (ukqi@rz.uni-karlsruhe.de) wrote: > > > > Actually I think it's "Senatus Populusque Romanorum" > > given that the translation is "The senate and the > > people of Rome." That's not a full sentence in English > > either and it also has different cases than nominative. > > > > A twenty second web search produces pages with both > > versions. Great. Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > That's the problem with this interwebnet thingy. It's got (at least as > many) wrong facts on it as true ones. //////////// A REPOST OF EVERY POSSIBLE INTERNET ARTICLE FOLLOWS From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Sat, 26 Dec 1998 23:59:53 GMT i-cha@usa.net spammed: > > VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE > > UNLIMITED INFORMATION > WE UPDATE EVRY TIME > > http://206.184.139.135/~lilac2/unlimited.html Wow, "Universal Hovercraft", "Parks In Italy", and your server gave me a cookie to give to "www.pornfinder.com". This is a new meaning of the word "unlimited" with which I'm not familiar. "I'm sorry, sir, you bought UNLIMITED refills for your Pepsi. This means you're only allowed to drink half a cup of flat Mountain Dew and take a bite of a cookie made from porn." Besides, if the page really did have UNLIMITED information, then why would you need to "UPDATE EVERY TIME"? It would ALREADY have all the information that could ever exist! Just like Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Library! It would contain all possible text strings from " " up to "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and thus would contain all possible ideas, thoughts, and mistakes. It would contain its own index. As well as every possible incorrect index. In every possible order. It would contain versions of Manly Bannister's "Conquest Of Earth" with every possible typo, including ones that made the book better. And it would contain versions of same with every possible TWO typos up through ones which contained so many typos that the book turned into "Hamlet". And it would contain every possible perversion of "Hamlet", including ones ten times longer and more overrated. It would even contain every possible Internet spam, including your own article! NOW how much would YOU pay? -- K. Also, it would contain every possible crappy Web page, including those that required the ability to view frames even though the whole page was just one frame, like your stupid BROWN page which keeps trying to redirect my browser to lots of porn sites while setting the status line at the bottom to "Document: Done" to hide it. //////////// ANOTHER REPOST From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Thu, 31 Dec 1998 08:43:09 GMT David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Besides, if the page really did have UNLIMITED information, then why would > > you need to "UPDATE EVERY TIME"? It would ALREADY have all the information > > that could ever exist! Just like Kurd Lasswitz's Universal Library! > > It would contain all possible text strings from " " > > up to "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ" and thus would contain all possible ideas, > > thoughts, and mistakes. > > I take your Universal Library and prepend a tag. > > I WIN! No, because the Universal Library already called "NO PREPENDS!" and "NO GIVEBACKS!" and "DAVID PACHECO HAS DOUBLE COOTIES PLUS PLUS!" as well as every other possible kind of cooties on every possible person. Even Spot, despite him not being a person. Poor Spot! He got PEOPLE COOTIES but he's STILL JUST A DOG! Also, in every document in the Universal Library, Spot dies on the last page. I mean while reading it. -- K. By the way, which of you people gave Don Saklad my phone number? //////////// ANOTHER REPOST From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 12:35:05 GMT The Avocado Avenger (stacia@io.com) wrote: > Is it just me, or have I been following up to a lot of Stacia's posts lately? I think this is a sign that Stacia needs to hire a professional to finish her posts so that I don't have to. > David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) writes: > > > > You're just jealous because I'm making the first official post in ARK > > written in 1999, the year we all die. > > You mock me, but I'm seriously weirded out by this. I'm just weirded out by the fact that if the world DOES end this year, GERRY ANDERSON will have been proven to be a visionary genius smarter than even Nostradamus! > I know, I'm basing my assumption on a calendar that has no correlation > with nature, but instead correlates to the birth of one single guy who > may or may not have existed. No, Jesus was born in 4 B.C., because there was no year 0, except in large type in the middle of the time-line in the 1995 edition of Microsoft Encarta, and because God created the Universe four years early in 4004 B.C. and Jesus's immaculate conception was the result of a computer error caused by the Y0K Bug which caused civilization to collapse because they had to spend four years (starting at 4 B.C.) converting all the coin-stamping machines to print "A.D." instead of "B.C." on the coins they were making. Also as a kid I read that "A.D." stood for "After Damocles" in some really stupid One-Volume Encyclopedia For Kids Who Don't Want To Accidentally Learn Something In A Real Encyclopedia. > But! I'm still concerned. If you can stay concerned continuously throughout the year, and are still this concerned in September, you could be the real-life model for Barbara Bain's role. You should practice saying with the utmost concern for all living things, "John, reversed polarity is the first stage towards anti-matter." -- K. I've said it before, I'll say it again, 1999 SMELLS WEIRD. Also, I'm not having a happy dot-com yet! Make the era of being inside a happy dot-com start or people will get tired of hearing "HAVE A HAPPY DOT-COM!" //////////// ANOTHER REPOST From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Cooties (was: VISIT AND BOOKMARK THIS PAGE) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 1 Jan 1999 02:25:46 GMT Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > No, because the Universal Library already called "NO PREPENDS!" > > and "NO GIVEBACKS!" and "DAVID PACHECO HAS DOUBLE COOTIES PLUS PLUS!" > > as well as every other possible kind of cooties on every possible person. > > From today's paper: > ====Begin Copyright Violation==== > By James Cummings - Cox News Service > Dayton, Ohio - It's hard to believe, but we've had Cooties for 50 years. "Waah!" cried Spot. He had had Cooties since before he was born! > Not the kind you get from kissing girls. I'm talking about the plastic > ones that come disassembled in a cardboard box. PLASTIC? Real Cooties are WOOD! > Hasbro, manufacturer of Cooties, is celebrating the golden anniversary of > the venerable children's game this year by doing a complete makeover on > the bugs that are central to the game. For only the tenth time this century, yawn. > .. > According to Hasbro, a Minneapolis mailman carved the first Cooties from > wood in 1948. He was trying to design a fishing lure, but Cooties > attracted more kids than carp. I think they misspelled "crappies". Also, why would a fishing lure be five inches long and have a detachable curly proboscis and six falling-off little legs which require the fix to roll "6" 6 times in a row on all of 666 dice to be able to quit the game? > .. > Hasbro estimates about 50 million Cootie games have been purchased in the > 50 year history of the toy. > ====Here Endeth Copyright Violation==== They forgot to mention the Interactive Cootie CD-ROM, about which I will only remark that it is obviously LESS stupid than the hand-held electronic Mr. Potato Head. -- K. It coots down stairs alone or in pairs and makes a cootily sound //////////// WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE PRESENT ERA JUST IN TIME TO CATCH //////////// THE LAST REMAINING UNATTACHED ASTERISK IN ITS NATIVE HABITAT * from stuff _like_ this, but not from _this_. -- K. 404 A.D. IS NEGATIVE NEGATIVE NEGATIVE iNPuT CoNTRaRY To eSTaBLiSHeD FaCTS THERE IS NO SANCTUARY SPQR LMNOP ASDFGHJKL __END PROG__ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another BREAKTHROUGH! Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 04:08:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Women do not want to sleep with a guy that she thinks will wait until > she's asleep and then put her hand in warm water. > > I wish I had this in mind when on my last date. What, you wanted to sleep with a guy who thought you would put his hand in warm water? I'm sorry, the guy who played Frank Burns died last month, Captain Hunnicutt. But now I understand why you always wore that pink shirt during the final four hundred episodes of "M*A*S*H". And why they called you "B.J.". (I AM ONLY TEASING NICK ABOUT HIS SEXUALITY BECAUSE I KNOW HE IS SECURE IN HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HIS OWN SEXUALITY, AND BECAUSE I NEVER FOUND OUT IF HE EVER GOT THAT INFLATABLE CHAIR.) -- K. This article isn't really worth posting, but maybe if I add this sentence it will be. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Another BREAKTHROUGH! Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 01:29:20 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Matthew J McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > > > Women do not want to sleep with a guy that she thinks will wait until > > she's asleep and then put her hand in warm water. > > That is because the warm water is reminiscent of the blood of animals > mashed between his teeth. If a man wants to be sexy he should not mash the > blood of animals between his teeth in order to put her hand in warm water. > > I think there might be a curse on that warm water. I guess sometimes > warm water has a curse on it. > > God made all the washing machines in my building be in use. > > > ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ > | | | | | > > PARODY - PARODY - NOT REALLY INSANE - PARODY - PARODY > > DILUTE - OK ^ | Waah! The space after that sentence was a parody, and I didn't realize it! I liked your "Indent-O-Meter"(tm) (which would allow you to detect indentation with your own eyes) and "Font-O-Meter"(tm) (which could detect Zapf Dingbats in quantities as small as one word) but your new "I-Am-Not-A-Crackpot-O-Meter"(tm) leaves something to be desired. -- K. And what I desire is Cherry Pez! Make it give me some or I'll refuse to allow the I-Am-Not-A-Crackpot-O-Meter to measure any of my sentences. ^ | LQQK! NO SMILEY AT THE END OF THAT SENTENCE ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Recipe quiz! Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 07:38:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Here's an excitingly zesty recipe I found for those days when you say, "Gee, whatever should I do with all these Creamettes and this deer I ran over?" -> 2 green peppers -> 2 red peppers -> 1 large sweet onion -> 1 large white onion -> 1 bunch scallions -> 1 large bowl fresh mushrooms -> 1 whole clove garlic -> 1 lb ground venison -> 1 side deer backstrap -> cayenne pepper -> Mrs. Dash seasoning -> wine vinegar -> 1/2 lb. butter -> 1/4 c. olive oil -> 1 large box pasta noodles (Creamettes or sea shells) -> -> In a skillet, brown the ground meat. Dice all of the vegetables; add 1/2 -> to the browned meat. Boil the pasta and drain. Singe the backstrap in -> bite-size pieces in hot olive oil and wine vinegar. Squash and add the -> garlic to the browned meat and vegetables, stirring vigorously. Throw the -> whole load into a large pot on low heat including the remaining raw -> vegetables, still stirring. Add small amounts of water for desired -> consistency. Keep on lowest heat all day, refrigerate overnight, and -> reheat for days to come. It's the best when 2-3 days old. Serve on bread, -> mashed potatoes, rice or serve by itself. -> (Serves 5) The name of this recipe is: a) "Spee-De-Bozo" b) "Ted Nugent's Bubble Bean Piranha" c) "Porkus Forkus Sporkus Mushroom Fiesta" d) "Free Kevin Stew" e) "Deer In A Large Bowl Of Fun" f) "The Colonel's Secret Recipe" You have thirty seconds. Choose wisely. -- K. Hint: One of the incorrect answers was J. Edgar Hoover's dog. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Meet Oren for the first time, again... was:Re: Hammer. Thumb. Repeat. Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 07:52:44 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > > > [...] > > > > You are Hans Moravec, sent from the future to pave the way for post-human, > > trans-galactic supertasks. OK, fine, be that way, but...have you ever read > > I just want to point out that if you reverse the letters of Hans' obviously > fabricated last name, you get the modern name for cave-painting-as-text: > CAVEROM. > > Mostly I say that because I don't recognize the reference. > > MAAAAAAAAATT!!! Allow me to play with the reference before Matt attempts to explain this particular Silly Putty-like glob of pop culture: In the future, Hans Moravec will convert people into giant grids of ASCII art through his electro-mechanical fractal octopus that scans your brain simply by dissecting it. Then the discarded husk of your useless body shall be whisked away by a rapidly-rotating skyhook tethered to (L-5)-5, a space station orbiting a Lagrange point which orbits the L-5 station. And then Stewart Brand and Howard Rheingold would let you sit at what "The Whole Earth Review" thinks is The Cool Table. But nobody would notice because they'd thumb right past that page of the magazine to see the picture of the naked lady covered with grass and read the reviews of the latest Macintosh software. Now it's ready for you to explain it, Matt. -- K. I don't know why "The Whole Earth Review" changed their name first to "Mondo 2000" and then "Wired". Also, in this article, I forgot to mention the following: Marvin Minsky Etienne Decroux Annie Sprinkle virtual liverwort ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Meet Oren for the first time, again... was:Re: Hammer. Thumb. Repeat. Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 01:15:46 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Matthew J McIrvin McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In the future, Hans Moravec will convert people into giant grids of > > ASCII art through his electro-mechanical fractal octopus that scans > > your brain simply by dissecting it. Then the discarded husk of your > > useless body shall be whisked away by a rapidly-rotating skyhook > > tethered to (L-5)-5, a space station orbiting a Lagrange point which > > orbits the L-5 station. And then Stewart Brand and Howard Rheingold > > would let you sit at what "The Whole Earth Review" thinks is The Cool Table. > > But nobody would notice because they'd thumb right past that page of > > the magazine to see the picture of the naked lady covered with grass > > and read the reviews of the latest Macintosh software. > > > > Now it's ready for you to explain it, Matt. > > Sorry, I'd rather talk about the cover of "Popular Mechanics." > > SPACE TOURISM IN YOUR IMMEDIATE FUTURE! > IN THIS ROCKET THE SIZE OF MONTANA! Oh, as if you were Richard Garriott or something. I bet you can't even tell Ultima II from any other brand of perfume! -- K. And I bet you don't even have a SkyLab Fastener Busy Box with Owen Garriott's fingerprints! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Pathetic Font Question Date: Mon, 15 May 2000 21:06:40 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > Does Garamond really want to use commas instead of apostrophes or has > something gone terribly, terribly wrong? An early version of ITC Garamond sold by Adobe (the Adobe font which identifies itself as "Garamond", not Adobe s "Adobe Garamond" which is wholly different) had severe apostrophe problems -- they would disappear when printed or do other wacky things. I ve seen such things happen with that particular Garamond, they re annoying. You might want to contact Adobe to see if you can get a newer version of the font, don t use the defective one if it s possible to avoid it. Or switch to the Bitstream or ITC-vended versions of ITC Garamond. (The Bitstream one has better spacing than Adobe s, I haven t worked with ITC s own implementation.) -- K. Welcome to Laser Designs. How may we screw up your typesetting today? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: By Definition Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 01:33:15 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > -> BERN, Switzerland (AP) -- An American killed when he slammed into the > -> ground during a bungee jump had been tied to an elastic rope that was > -> too long, officials said Monday. > > This is as opposed to the people killed during bungee jumps when they slam > into the ground because the elastic rope is too short. Once a little girl went up to Abraham Lincoln and said, "You'd look better with a beard. How long should a man's beard be?" and he said "Long enough to reach the ground. Like this!" and he grew a beard and tied it to a bridge and jumped off and his feet gently touched the ground. But when he did that he gently crushed a colorful butterfly, and because this story takes place in the year One Hundred Million B.C., history never happened and Hitler became President of the South and HITLER WON THE CIVIL WAR!!! -- K. Also he had Lincoln's wart. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: By Definition Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 04:35:49 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Schwa Love" (SCHWA242@hotmail.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Once a little girl went up to Abraham Lincoln and said, "You'd look > > better with a beard. How long should a man's beard be?" and he said > > "Long enough to reach the ground. Like this!" and he grew a beard and > > tied it to a bridge and jumped off and his feet gently touched the > > ground. But when he did that he gently crushed a colorful butterfly, > > and because this story takes place in the year One Hundred Million B.C., > > history never happened and Hitler became President of the South and > > HITLER WON THE CIVIL WAR!!! > > Yes, but if that butterfly was crushed, everything would be spelled all > different, which leads me to believe the following: > > Wild-E-Coyote is from a separate timeline where time-travelling > dinosaur hunters hadn't accidentally stepped on a precious butterfly > causing history to change, but they did in our timeline. Therefore, > what appears to be "creative spelling" on Wild-E-Coyote's part, is > actually correct in his special universe that is lost forever. > > However, I won't go as far to say that any of his wacky theories are > correct in that timeline either. I think that I want to live in a universe where all possible science theories are true except for Wild E's, and all possible spellings are correct except for Wild E's. Also, you spelled "Coyote" right, which is wrong. -- K. Every time I think of how Dr. "Cyote" is obviously having trouble spelling his last name, I wonder if he _meant_ to be "Wild E" to have a sort of clever pun-like difference between himself and a Chuck Jones cartoon character, or if he just can't spell "Wile E". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: More Game Show Network Madness! Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 06:43:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Luke Breinig (lbreinig@ix.netcom.com) wrote: > > > > The Game Show Network is pure evil. I'm seriously considering having it > > blocked from my DSS service. I never intend to watch it, but it always > > seems to appear on my TV and I can actually feel it lowering my IQ... > > This is the cross I must bear, for it is my destiny to monitor the > Game Show Network and notify a.r.k of important developments there. > That way, no one else here has to watch it. Waah! I _want_ to have to watch it! -- K. Let me know the next time Desi Jr. is on but only if it's not also an episode where Jerry Stiller kisses Greg Morris. ("Seinfeld" and and "Mission: Impossible" were ruined! Even more so than if Tom Cruise had been in both of them!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Shaving. Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 04:48:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > Louis [Nick] mentioned the sugaring solution to women shaving their legs. I humbly submit that Matt McIrvin should, nay, MUST write "The Sugaring Solution" as a Sherlock Holmes pastiche, predicated upon the notion that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was really turned on by feet. And liked watching hairless feet pressing the gas pedal. IT ADDS AN EMOTIONAL EFFECT TO A SCENE! PLEASE FORGIVE THE ALL CAPS BUT IT DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY! Stay tuned to this station for Matt McIrvin's "The Sugaring Solution" by Sir Accelerator Conan Doyle. -- K. No fair working Andy Richter into it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: God and curses Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 04:58:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Terrorists took over a ship. At least 1 person was killed. May be that > happened because there was a curse or may be that started a curse. > > The curse destroyed the ship. It is now under about 2 miles of water. DO-IT-YOURSELF KURT STOCKLMEIR CONSTRUCTION KIT (Some generic event) once happened. Some of the people there were (bad/killed/slime). This caused a curse on (me/people/God/my theories). I am (good/bad/slime) at (physics/curses). Maybe (God/I/slime) put a curse on (some generic class of object, event, or abstract concept). (Bad/good) people (do/do not) like my theories because they are (slime/slimes). I do not like to date girls who (mash/crush) the (bones/bodies/blood) of (animals/slime) between their (teeth/thighs). (Slime/People) are (bad/slime). PLUG IN RANDOM WORDS. THEN REPEAT WITH DIFFERENT WORDS ONCE A DAY. -- K. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN OR THERE WILL BE A CURSE ON SOME PEOPLE SOMEWHERE FOR SOME REASON. THE CURSE WILL BE BAD BUT NOT OTHERWISE SPECIFIC. POSSIBLY A FUNNY SMELL OR SOMETHING. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: House Mulls Tougher Sleepwear Rules Date: Wed, 17 May 2000 05:40:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > WASHINGTON (AP) -- Since a federal agency lowered fire safety > standards for children's pajamas, one of the nation's top burn > hospitals for children has seen the number of sleepwear-related > serious burns more than double in three years, officials told a > congressional committee Tuesday. > Lawmakers are now weighing whether to repeal the changes. > [...] > The Consumer Product Safety Commission voted 2-1 in 1996 to > permit the use of flammable material, such as cotton, in some > children's sleepwear as long as the garments were snug-fitting and > thus difficult to ignite. Oh no! They allow CHILDREN to wear COTTON! That just won't do! Children must not wear any fabric used in normal grownup clothing! From now on, all children will wear nothing but ASBESTOS! Also, everything must be tight-fitting to the point of Total Wedgie. "Mommy, this asbestos wedgie hurts!" "Don't take it off, Junior, or you'll burst into flame. Now put on your scuba mask and get into your waterbed." -- K. I still want to know, assuming that Jimmy Olson ever founded a microchip- etching plant, when Superman visited, whether he would wear a baggy white Tyvek clean-room suit over his baby-blue Spandex bodystocking, or under it. Over would be more comfortable, but the Tyvek wouldn't be protected by his super leotard, so if he were attacked by something with claws it would shred the Tyvek and get Jimmy Olson's chips all dusty. Plus he wouldn't be able to fly unless his cape were on the outside. Thus, I think it is only sensible that Superman should wear baggy, wrinkly, crinkly, crumply Tyvek under his tight-fitting leave-nothing-to-the- imagination Spandex supertard.