Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Splenda: Judged, found tasteless Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 05:21:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What sort of dog is going to demand a cyan cookie over a beige one? > > (HINT: DOGS DO NOT HAVE COLOR VISION.) > > A special dog. > > Also cyan cookies are less likely to be accidentally eaten by > guests who would then go EWWW GROSS WHAT IS THIS A DOG COOKIE > and you'd say yep. Sure is. You must not have Kibologists over to visit very often. I go right for the blue food. At the moment I'm eating gummy blueberry candy from Japan -- the Japanese only discovered blueberries last year, and suddenly all candy from that country has turned bue because they're in love with this exotic new fruit which can be chemically synthesized so easily. When I bought these at the Super 88, I also bought some beef-flavored cookies and a package of honey-flavored cookies which look exactly like the fake bacon you give dogs. Hopefully they'll taste better. When I ate the dog bacon ("DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S NOT BACON!") it tasted awful. So, anyway, Kibologists do indeed prefer blue food to dog food. Most other people do not have an informed opinion about these matters, being too squeamish to ever find out what dog food tastes like. Sissies! -- K. But I draw the line at cat food. Cats enjoy putridity. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Splenda: Judged, found tasteless Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 08:17:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "SWT" (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > > > Did you know? You know how when you leave a small bag of crayons in your > > car on the front seat, in the summer, next to the Elephant the Hamster toy > > from Subway? During the day? They melt into a congealed mass of colored > > swirls? I thought you were supposed to put the crayons in the mittens of the girls who wears glasses and then put the mittens on the radiator while she's not around, because glasses give girls cooties. > > Well, the same thing happens to bags of gummi worms. SO WATCH OUT! > > (I haven't tried it with gummifrankenschwester yet.) > > Aiiiieeee! She's been sewn and bolted together from a bunch of nurses in > fetish gear, then re-animated with a giant violet wand! FLEE THE WRATH OF > THE GUMMIFRANKENSCHWESTER! And that was how they invented the best breakfast cereal ever. Gummi Frankenschwester, even better than Marquis Chocula. "Now with cat-o-nine-tails-shaped marshmallows and crunchy chocolate D-rings!" -- K. Better than Boob- erry, too. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Splenda: Judged, found tasteless Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 08:00:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > Also, dogs who don't know it's not Bacon have a 45% greater > chance of reading a sonnet by mistake. Einstein was all set to test his new invention, a spring-powered brass dog's head. He plugged in the dog's head to one of the sockets in the wall which was connected directly to a spring factory. Thousands of tiny springs shot through tubes in Einstein's rumpus room and came out inside the brass head. "TIME WAS!" barked the head. "TIME IS!" "TIME WILL BE!" ...and then the head blew up. Springs went everywhere! Einstein tried to catch the dog's eye but it rolled under the bumper pool table. While Einstein was bending over to get the eyeball, he bumped his head on the bumper pool table. The impact made him see stars, atoms, and naked ladies bathing in complex plumbing! "Oh no!" he thought, "I just felt a sharp pain in the speech center of my brain! I better test out my speech center by reciting the whole alphabet!" At the top of his lungs, Einstein yelled, "A, B!" There was twenty-four letters' worth of awkward silence. Poor Einstein! He was only able to say two letters! And neither letter was in the word "HELP!" "Aabab bbaaa babba aaaba abbbb baabb!" bbaabbled Einstein. Then, Paddington Bear slammed his suitcase on Einstein, leaving half his body dangling out the back as the bear walked off to go build a BBB Television Centre out of carpet remnants. THE END. -- K. Anyone got any more Bacons I can cram into this scene? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Splenda: Judged, found tasteless Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 08:39:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I just wrote: > > [...blah blah blah BACON blah blah blah BRAZEN HEAD...] I figured I should explain a little of that because Matt McIrvin won't be able to, because I have measured the degree of difficulty of that reference as 1.1 on the McIrvin scale, therefore by definition he can't get it. I had heard the story of Friar Bacon and the brazen head from one of my college professors (in a science-fiction writing class -- yes, they do teach useful courses like that at Emerson College) and I've always liked the story of the sorceror who builds a mechanical head that spouts cryptic words of wisdom and then blows up. So, naturally, I mentioned it in the previous article simply because nobody would get it. Except for professionally-trained science-fiction writers who remember everything they heard in college. So, in order that it should be explained to you normal people, I searched the Web for a lucid-yet-comprehensive explanation to plagiarize^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hresearch. A. Ruch has some Web pages about James Joyces, and one (http://www.rpg.net/quail/libyrinth/joyce/joyce.intro.html) explains a passage in "Ulysses" mentioning a Dublin pub named "The Brazen Head" (the oldest in Ireland), offering a splendid summary of decapitated brass robots through history: -> There are many historical and mythical references to "Brazen Heads," the -> first being an artifact created by Albertus Magnus after some three -> decades of hard labor. This oracular device was then broken "into a -> thousand pieces" by his disciple, Thomas Aquinas -- a fellow with no small -> Joycean connections of his own! -> -> Mention of a similar Brazen Head can be found in a play by the English -> poet and playwright Robert Greene (1558-1592). The play, The Honourable -> History of Friar Bacon and Friar Bungay, involves a love triangle, set -> against a comical background that involves the necromantic competitions of -> the title characters. In Act IV, Friar Bacon completes his masterpiece -- -> the Brazen Head, this time a project of only seven years' labor. The Head -> is a sorcerous creation that, when invoked, was supposed to spew forth -> great words of wisdom, as well as encircling all of England in a magic -> wall of protective brass. Needless to say, all this involved the proper -> magical incantations. As comedy demands, however, the Head is invoked -> improperly by Bacon's inept assistant Miles, who I'm sure would have been -> played by the Marty Feldman of the time. The head begins to utter its -> wisdom -- "Time is! . . . Time was! . . ." and when Miles responds -> improperly, a magical hammer appears and destroys the Head as it finishes, -> ". . . Time is past!" -> -> The fact that it was a magical head that took a long time to come to -> fruition, and then was destroyed by a moron who thought its utterances -> were nonsense. . . Hmmm. . . . -> -> Another version of this legend is told in E. Cobham Brewer's 1894 -> Dictionary of Phrase and Fable: -> -> It was said if Bacon heard his head speak he would succeed; if not, he -> would fail. Miles was set to watch, and while Bacon slept the Head spoke -> thrice: "Time is;" half an hour later it said, "Time was." In another -> half-hour it said, "Time's past," fell down, and was broken to atoms. -> -> Several poets have since made reference to Bacon's marvelous relic, -> including Alexander Pope, Samuel Butler, and the indomitable Lord Byron: -> -> Bacon trembled for his brazen head. -> --Alexander Pope, Dunciad, iii. 104. -> -> Quoth he, "My head's not made of brass, -> As Friar bacon's noddle was." -> --Samuel Butler, Hudibras, ii. 2. -> -> Like Friar Bacon's brazen head, I've spoken, -> "Time is," "Time was," "Time's past." -> --Lord Byron, Don Juan, i. 217. -> -> Other Brazen Heads were said to be owned by the Marquis de Villena, who -> kept his in Spain, and the Italian Polander, a disciple of Escotillo. And -> then there was a gigantic version, a huge Brazen Head supposedly mastered -> by a Portuguese giant named Ferragus, and hidden in his magical castle. -> According to Brewer, "it was omniscient, and told those who consulted it -> whatever they required to know, past, present, or to come." I find it intriguing that all these fragmentary recountings of the legend differ as to the most important facts such as who built it in which century, but they all agree that it was made out of brass. Oh, no, you couldn't build a talking head out of plain old copper! It would have to be brass! -- K. Everyone knows copper can't talk! If it could, we'd be deafened by millions of Gettysburg Addresses coming out of the bottoms of gumball machines! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Splenda: Judged, found tasteless Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 07:44:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Carlos May (froggy@starbase.neosoft.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Oh, no, you couldn't build a talking head out of plain old copper! > > It would have to be brass! > > But it's the plutonium atom in the center that makes it go. But only if the plutonium atom is also made of brass! > And what I was really hoping for was an explanation of why > Einstein just said the first 2 letters of the alphabet. The Bacon Cipher. (Dogs don't know it's a cipher!) Francis Bacon liked to come up with weird ways to hide his writings so that people could discover them tucked into the King James Bible and the plays of Shakespeare long after his death. He could hide them so well that people had even better luck finding them where they weren't than where they were! His cipher assigned a binary code to each letter of the alphabet, usually represented using "a" and "b" as the two binary digits instead of "0" and "1" in other explanations, just to be confusing: a --> aaaaa b --> aaaab c --> aaaba d --> aaabb e --> aabaa etc. Now, this, by itself, would be the world's lamest cipher (except for ROT-13, which was specifically designed to be readable by everyone in the world except George Hammond.) But the reason for assigning everything a series of five "a"s or "b"s is that suppose you had two flavors -- an "a" variant and a "b" variant -- of every letter in your font. For convenience, I will treat "a" letters as uppercase and "b" letters as lowercase. So, the cipher becomes: a --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE b --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase c --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase UPPERCASE d --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase lowercase e --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase UPPERCASE UPPERCASE Then, you just write some nonsense text: Four score and seven years ago our forefathers... I'm going to encode the words "bad bee". b --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase FOURs a --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE SCORE d --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase lowercase ANDse b --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase VENYe e --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase UPPERCASE UPPERCASE ARsAG e --> UPPERCASE UPPERCASE lowercase UPPERCASE UPPERCASE OOuRF FOURs SCORE AND seVEN YeARs AGO OuR F... For actual secrecy, instead of upper- and lowercase letters, we would have made the "a" and "b" variants much harder to distinguish. Let's say that they would all be roman letters but the "b"s would have one deliberately defective serif or something. The result would be a normal-looking sentence (if you didn't notice the slightly odd lettering) where the average man in the street would make the mistake of reading your nonsense text and not even realize that each letter was merely a distraction from the binary digit it carried encoding one-fifth of a secret letter. The goal was to encipher the message inefficiently, with the data so dispersed that it would be overlooked in favor of the fake message, a technique called "steganography". In our age, this is done with photos -- you take a picture of your cat and then slightly alter all the pixel values so that the color of each pixel might be off by 1/16,000,000th of the original color but whether its numerical value is even or odd now represents a bit of the secret message. But, of course, Bacon through of this long before people needed to hide nuclear-missile-arming codes in Internet pornography. NOW you KNOW the REST of the STORY! <--- Paul Harvey's odd diction transmits coded messages containing pornography! -- K. P.S. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!" screamed Einstein as he fell from a great height into the front of the Yellow Pages. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Top 10 Most Boring Web Sites Revealed 05/17/00 Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 05:33:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > What's boring about opening doors? I mean, any of them might have > > FREE CANDY behind it! > > Or Imperial Stormtroopers, who stand in cramped closets behind them, ready > to shoot anyone who opens the door. > > I wonder how people with legitimate reasons for opening the Stormtrooper > cabinets survive past the first day. Because Imperial Stormtroopers are inept, idiotic, fragile, and more disposable than the average Kleenex? Think about it: My gun fires at the little crosshair I can move around... Their guns fire randomly. Two hits from my gun will kill them (sometimes three if they're distant.) Two hits from their gun will make my shield blink green for a millisecond as it goes from "100" to "90". I can use any weapon I want, including hand grenades, land mines, the mortar, Bossk's rifle that makes everything in the room burst into blue flame at the same time, and the Zero Key BFG... They have to use the guns that fire the red rays that bounce off the walls back into their faces. They mill about aimlessly, pressing their chests up against walls as their little cartoon legs cycle back and forth. Rooms with fifty Stormtroopers are less dangerous than rooms with one, because the fifty will wipe each other out as they aim their guns at you through each other. But, especially... I can open doors and they can't. -- K. I wonder if Darth Vader ever considered spending money on either training the 'troopers properly or at least giving them better guns, just so he could win the damn game once in a while. A well-armed assault squadron could be funded by what he spends on his private river of butter! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Recipe quiz! Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 05:39:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Daniel Buettner (buettner@cse.unl.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > -> 1 lb ground venison > > > > [...] > > > > The name of this recipe is: > > b) "Ted Nugent's Bubble Bean Piranha" > > So did I pass the quiz, or what? Yes. You have demonstrated that you understand Ted Nugent's mindset better than these other people, who have probably never even CONSIDERED shooting all the Kennedys in the world with a crossbow! > And how come no one else cares about venison, the dry red meat? Hey, I had an ostrich-meat snack from the 7-Eleven last week. It was red and REALLY dry. I like venison better. -- K. The ostrich sticks were right behind the Pop Nots and microwave pork rinds, in the section where they keep the food from Planet Twelve. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: surprises at the pool Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 05:44:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [warning: THREAD MELD] Eli M. Balin (elibalin@panix.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > I discovered last week while walking around the offices at work that > > if you keep your eyes fixed straight ahead while you walk, it gives > > the feeling of being in a first-person-perspective video game. > > Except less violent. At least where I work, it is. > > I tried doing this, but every time someone surprised me by unexpectedly > turning a corner into my line of sight, or making a sound behind me, I > felt compelled to quickly glance at the ceiling, spin around twice, then > stare at my feet as I ran into the nearest dark corner. > > Also, I just stubbed my toe, and the glowing numbers at the bottom of my > field of vision decreased. This was not remedied by jumping on the > office's first-aid kit. I got bored after completing the whole office a couple times even on the hardest difficulty setting (my office's self-destruct button is just too easy to find) so I started typing on my computer and I discovered that if I typed "L.A. DOROTHY" everyone became really tiny and I could stomp on 'em. Also "L.A. DOROTHY" made all the Imperial Stormtroopers in the closet turn gay. -- K. You know, like C-3PO. And Jar Jar. And Wedge. And Donald Pleasence in "THX-1138". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: A serious comment (was: Re: goodbye...) Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 05:58:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > If a.r.k's "Official Coping Strategy" is to be constantly wacky and > > non-serious, then why am I getting flamed for observing that some people > > FLAMED A SUICIDE NOTE? Does flaming a suicide note count as lighthearted > > whimsy, or as thoughtful introspection? > > > SHUT UP! YOU ARE SO STUPID! SLIME! GAY STALKER HALF MAN PARRY! > > I went over to Kibo's house and spilled Mountain Dew all > over his bitter gourd plant and then I didn't clean it up! > > Kibo sucks! > > kibo.usuck.com! I killed the bitter gourd vine last fall because I needed that corner of the room back. I think most of the pieces of it are gone, unless there are some hiding inside my laser printer. At the moment I'm just growing baby cacti because I figure this year when I go to Canada they can't grow more than a hundredth of a millimeter. Also they don't emit horrible odors whenever anyone or anything touches them, such as Earth's atmosphere. I just wanted to tell you that to distract you while the computer virus containing live bitter gourd vine seeds was on its way to you. E-mail gets more useful every year! -- K. If your computer's turned off right now, don't even think about turning it on, just buy a new one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil #66 bus driver sighting #20000519a Date: Tue, 23 May 2000 06:04:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Doc Sigma (doc@spacemoose.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I've observed that drivers become ruder (especially to pedestrians) > > when it's raining. On a sunny day when the people in cars are happy, > > they will stop and wave pedestrians in front of them. On rainy days, > > they will accelerate towards the pedestrians to communicate "Hey! > > I'm letting you know I DON'T see you, don't even THINK about trying > > to cross the street while you're getting wet!" > > One scary thing that seems to happen on happy sun sun sun sunny days (at > least on the #36 bus) is that bus drivers will be so full of > sunshine and/or girlish-glee that they'll cheerfully go zooming past bus > stops full of people. Because they're off in their happy little place, > fantasizing about, umm, doing anything but driving a bus, I guess. The > other day, my bus driver practically ran over this cute little old lady > at a bus stop who was frantically trying to wave down the bus, but the > driver didn't stop or even slow down. When someone from the back yelled > "HEY!!!, you missed someone back there . . . but it's too late now, > idiot", I'm sure it made us all feel something similar to, but not > exactly, satisfaction. That's weird, I'll have to try riding the #36 someday because it seems to be the bus through Backwards Land. On the routes I've been on, it's always been dark and rainy when they swoosh right past me leaving a big arc of brown puddle water in the air. One even did this (in the rain) when I was in Minneapolis, a city where the bus drivers are so polite that they say "Hello!" when you get on and "Goodbye!" when you get off and don't even complain if you put your card in the slot backwards so that you won't get charged for the ride. -- K. It's always weird to leave the East Coast and encounter these millions of people who actually mean it when they tell me to have a nice day. SOMEONE NEEDS TO TEACH THOSE PEOPLE ABOUT SARCASM!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Strange encounters. Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 06:43:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Today I went over to East Boston to take photos on a couple of different waterfronts, then I went to South Boston to do some shopping. (The only things you can buy in East Boston are pink porcelain elephants with clocks in their bellies, and tortillas made by a machine which slides them out under a sign saying "TORTILLA DISCHARGE". Plus South Boston has a giant K-Mart next to a giant Toys R Us next to a giant Home Depot next to a giant Office Max next to two supermarkets, one of which is weird enough to make me go across town to go there.) While I was waiting in line at the Super 88 checkout, a nice little Chinese-American boy started a conversation with me (I didn't start it, I swear) about how the mushrooms I was buying didn't look like mushrooms. I was buying the big round white ones, and I guess his family must just use the little squishy brown ones with the surprisingly elastic texture. Anyway, that's not the Strange With A Capital S strange encounter of the day. I paid for my groceries (including "Banquet Rice Pudding With Eight Prectous Treasures" and "Dew-Dew Mix" plus quite a few things which I won't mention because they taste good and don't have funny spellings) I walked back to the Andrew Square subway station. While waiting for the train, I sat down on one of the benches and started reviewing the photos in my digital camera to weed out the duplicates. (I have it set to take two or three shots whenever I hold down the button, in case some of them have too much camera shake.) While I was busy with my camera, a guy, who looked rather, shall we say, non-alert, stumbled over and sat on the other end of the bench. Him: Skooz me, sir... Me: (looks at him) Him: Uh slee! Me: Eh? Him: Uh slee! Me: (cupping ear) What? Him: UH SLEEEE!!! Me: I'm sorry, I don't understand you. Him: (instantly falls asleep and starts snoring loudly) ZZZZZZZZZZZ. I'm not sure, but I think that the inarticulate guy was trying to say "I sleep" or maybe even "I'm sleepy". But why he wanted me to know that the crack was making him sleepy is a mystery. I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND HIM IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE! So now I feel guilty for being unable to communicate with the friendly crackhead. I've never seen anyone else start snoring within two seconds of having a conversation. -- K. It probably happens a lot on the Internet, I just don't see it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Strange encounters. Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 09:38:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Earlier tonight, I wrote: > > While I was waiting in line at the Super 88 checkout, a nice little > Chinese-American boy started a conversation with me (I didn't start it, > I swear) about how the mushrooms I was buying didn't look like mushrooms. I'd like to add a sidenote on the ethical dilemma that such situations raise. Whenever a kid starts talking to me, I momentarily consider telling him, "You shouldn't talk to strangers! I _might_ be a pervert!" just to see which of two possible outcomes I get: 1) The parent yells, "How _dare_ you teach my kid something I didn't!" or 2) The kid accepts my intelligent advice, but then he realizes that it came from a stranger, so he is required to disregard it, which makes him open to accept my advice, which causes him to disregard it, which causes him to accept it, and then his head explodes! Now, one of those two outcomes is unpleasant, because it involves me getting yelled at. Actually, I suppose the parent would also yell at me if I made the kid explode. All this flits through my mind within point two six seconds after the kid starts talking to me, and I always decide to play it safe and just have a long conversation with the small child about personal matters. -- K. Mental note: Next time a kid asks about my mushrooms, say, "They're magic 'shrooms, if you eat them, you can fly!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: I got mail from White Castle and you didn't. Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 07:08:03 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Wow! I got an actual form letter from White Castle! It's a shame this was sent as E-mail and not on paper... I'd love to see if their corporate stationery is on tiny little pieces of paper with five holes punched right in the middle. -> Dear James, -> Thank you for your recent suggestion directed to our corporate office that -> we locate a White Castle restaurant in Boston, MA. We appreciate hearing -> from customers who enjoy our products. We have noted your suggestion and -> have forwarded it to our real estate department for consideration. -> -> In immediate response to your inquiry, White Castle prides itself on growing -> slowly. We do not franchise any of our restaurants in the United States, -> only overseas. Domestically, our restaurants and market expansion are -> financed from retained earnings. White Castle believes in this business -> practice so we can provide a stable company for our 11,000-plus employees. -> -> Each year we do add approximately twenty new restaurants to our existing -> market areas. Based on our current expansion plans, it will be a few years -> before we open another new market area. -> -> Thank you again for your interest in White Castle and its products. "Growing slowly" presumably means that all those buildings around here shaped like little white castles which sell falafel and pizza and Chinese food will never again be White Castles. "We have no plans to expand into your area, please pretend we never WERE in your area." I wonder what sort of form letter I'd get if I asked them about the market research they must have done to choose behind "onion rings" and "onion chips" on a state-by-state basis. -- K. I can't get White Castle's deliciously slimy Sliders in restaurants here, but today at the K-Mart I did see something called "Pokemon Sliders". EWW! STEAMED MINCED POKEMON! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: STALL NUMBER of a BIRD Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 07:21:05 GMT Reply-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-Tos: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.sci.physics.nude-theories Followups-To: sci.physics,sci.entology,ki.bology To-Followup: physics.sci,kibology.religion.alt,bozo.a.is.hammond.george.alt Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.george.hammond.is.a.bozo In sci.physics, alt.sci.physics.new-theories, and alt.religion.kibology, John Burrage (burrage@iinet.net.au) wrote: > > Dear George > > A good way to prevent posts being sent to the wrong newsgroups is to > modify the FOLLOWUP-TO field in the header. That way, if people reply > to your post without changing the default NEWSGROUPS settings, it will > only be sent to the groups you have specified in the FOLLOWUP-TO > field. > > Similarly, you can change the NEWSGROUPS field in your header to > specify the newsgroups you want to send your post to. If you don't > want to send your post to newsgroups read by airforce pilots, but only > want to restrict it to sci.* newsgroups, you should check that the > NEWSGROUPS field only contains sci.* newsgroups. For example, if you > only wanted to post to sci.physics, you would enter sci.physics in the > field. If someone has added rec.aviation, you would remove it. > > If you would like Kibo, or fiends of Kibo, to read your posts, you > would include the alt.religion.kibology newsgroup, as I have done > here. I have also included it in the FOLLOWUP-TO field, which means > that unless you edit your header before posting, any replies will also > go to that newsgroup. > > Fields may be edited by moving the cursor to the appropriate spot with > direction arrows. If you are using windows based software, the cursor > may be positioned by "clicking" on the field with your electronic "mouse". I think maybe he might need some pictures to illustrate this process. Like, show him a picture showing the three stages of "clicking" (1. press the button, 2. release the button, 3. enjoy) and maybe you should also draw him a picture of what his screen looks like. Then we can watch him trying to click on the picture of his screen. By pressing the button on the picture of his mouse. Just, whatever you do, don't let in on the secret ROT-13 code we've developed! -- K. V urne vg pna or penpxrq va yrff guna n jrrx ol nal fznyy argjbex bs fhcrepbzchgref. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: bad people Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 07:28:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Girls and boys God has sent to you a lot of bad people. Most of the people > who answer my articles are friends of James Kibo. They slimed from their > sewer. They are like James Kibo. > > James Kibo is bad. He is a stalker. He is dirty. He is mean. He is > creepy. His friends are like him. Good people do not associate with > people like James Kibo. > > God will punish these physics groups extra because of James Kibo and his > freinds. Wow, that God sure is a bozo! I bet he doesn't have ANY friends! > Girls and boys you have a lot of power. Good people will use power to help > people. Bad people will use power to hurt people. > > Good people can do a lot. Do not read articles of mean people. Do not > answer articles of mean people. Good people can talk to each other. Let > the bad people talk to each other. > > I tend not to read articles of bad people. I tend not to answer articles > of bad people. Gee, Kurt, some would get the idea that maybe you've read some articles by me or something. > Break these physics groups into 2 pieces. Good people talk to each other. > Bad people talk to each other. Any person who is part of both groups is > bad. But, Kurt, to enforce that, YOU would have to read both groups. And that would make you WORSE THAN HITLER! -- K. ...especially at science! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: physics faq Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 07:34:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > When some girls and boys are dishonest God sends bad people to punish the > whole group. After God sends bad people to a group God punishes the group > because there are more bad people around. God sends punishment to the > whole group when girls and boys do not get together and fight the dishonest > girls and boys who God sent to punish the group. How does God find the time to read alt.sci.physics.new-theories given all the other work he has to do creating planets and stuff? Also, what color iMac does he have? > God has sent a lot of bad people to these physics groups. That is fair. > Most of the people associated with the physics faq are bad. God will > probably send a lot more punishment to these physics groups if the physics > faq is not changed. Well, if God doesn't like the physics FAQ, then he can just go change the laws of physics. Then all the physicists in the world would have to start over and discover everything again. And that might take WEEKS! > It is up to girls and boys. They have power. If they are not honest God > will punish them. It will be their fault. > > Girls and boys need to figure out if they want to be associated with good > people or bad people. So, you're saying that the Internet should be run by pre-teens? > Good people need to create a physics faq. Some of the people associated > with the physics faq are nice. > > Of course I am not trying to become part of the physics faq. I am not > trying to write articles for it. I am to pure to associate with you girls > and boys. MOMMY, KURT IS TOUCHING ME WHERE MY BATHING SUIT COVERS! -- K. AND ITZA THONG! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Attention morons. Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 08:09:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "slosh" (sloshfake@hotmail.com) wrote: > > [...re people who bang the "press button to cross street" or > "press button to see an elevator soon" button over and over...] > > The Internal variety is the moron who thinks like this: "Hmmm, I've just > stepped into the elevator and the light for my destination floor is > already lit up. DUH.... I had better press it again! Why? BECAUSE I'M > A MORON!!!". > > The External Elevator Moron thinks like this: "Here I am arriving at the > elevator. Oh look, the 'Up' button has been pressed. I want to go up. I HAD > BETTER PRESS THE UP BUTTON AGAIN AND AGAIN BECAUSE I'M A MORON AND CAN'T > UNDERSTAND BASIC ELEVATOR OPERATIONS." > > Now the Internal and External types mentioned here can be combined into a > General Elevator Moron, someone who fits both of these descriptions. If you > encounter one of these, it is advisable to attempt to push them down an open > elevator shaft and then press the 'Down' button over and over, just to make > sure. > > If you are either a Traffic Light Moron or an Elevator Moron, STOP IT! > YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!!! This is why I always push the button lots of times. To see other people go insane. Then I act out Ruth Buzzi chasing Jim Nabors around the interior of an elevator yelling "DON'T YOU PUSH MY BUTTONS!" and then the elevator doors open and Chuck McCann yells "HI, GUY!" and whacks me over the head with my own sailor hat. The John Carradine comes in dressed as a giant peanut, and a tiny plastic dinosaur chases us into a land where giant talking socks live in cardboard cutouts of giant talking socks and eat tiny giant talking socks for breakfast, and then Sid & Marty Krofft hold a press conference to deny that they have ever smoked pot, and they're smoking pot while they say that... AND EATING TALKING SOCKS!!! -- K. I like Sid and Marty, I really do. But everyone knows that "H. R. Pufnstuf" stands for "Hopped-up Rastafarian". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Introspection RULES! Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 08:41:38 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > OK, I admit. I'm self-centered. > > I could talk about me all day. > > But I won't. Not for free, anyway. > > Toodles! I refuse to talk to you unless you give me a thousand dollars. I refuse to not talk to you unless you give me a thousand dollars. The way I see it, you now owe me at least two thousand dollars. -- K. And from now on, I can only talk to you on odd-numbered days. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The theory behind Cooking. Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 08:45:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Nick Bensema (nickb@io.com) wrote: > > [...] > > Some cookbooks are on their way here through the mail and the magic of > amazon.com, and I remind myself to think about cooking whenever I get > that don't-wanna-be-alone feeling. The idea, of course, is to remind > myself that I can have good, wholesome, productive fun by myself in my > own apartment. If not that way, then just hanging out and playing video > games, for which there's nothing to be ashamed of. Stuff like that. > > [...] > > Paprika and Atari, that's all I need. I hear there's a new bundle just for you where when you buy an Atari computer you get a little can of paprika for free. No, wait, it's the other way around. -- K. Confidential to Nick: Lose the paprika, get some yellow curry sauce. Try the blocks of concentrated curry grease that S&B or House sell in Chinese and Japanese grocery stores. Just add water to make half a gallon of spicy yellow lard! Also, preheating the oven is a SCAM! It does NOTHING! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: By the pricking of my thumb, something DIFFERENT this way comes! Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 09:29:07 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Once upon a time, in past episodes of "The Special Show!", I wrote: GUY EATING HAMBURGER Hey, this hamburger is delicious! OTHER GUY It's the specialty from Diaper Burger! (SPIT-TAKE.) And: GUY EATING GREASY CHILI Hey, this greasy chili is delicious! OTHER GUY It's the specialty here at The Fudge Factory! (SPIT-TAKE.) And: TALKING DIAPER WITH THE FACE OF MARTIN LANDAU Hello, I am Martin Landau as a talking diaper! But then I saw the movie "Baby Geniuses": TALKING BABY Diaper gravy! OTHER TALKING BABY Yeah! Diaper gravy! BARKING DOG (subtitled) Diaper gravy! BABY KICKING DOM DeLUISE IN THE CROTCH Double diaper gravy... with nuts! TALKING BABIES (together) Diaper gravy! Diaper gravy! Diaper gravy! KIBO Make it stop! Make it stop! VCR This movie cannot be ejected because it's rented from Blockbuster, therefore you must rewind it before returning it, and you cannot rewind it until you've watched it all the way to the end. P.S.: Diaper gravy! As a result, in the months since seeing the atrocious diaper-gravy-oriented film "Baby Geniuses", I have been working on taking "The Special Show!" in a bold new direction! Stand by soon -- not today, not tomorrow, but maybe not the day after tomorrow -- in the abstract sense of "tomorrow" and "soon" -- to see this bolder-than-bold directer-than-direct direction! But first I need to find all the lost episodes and post them. It would ruin "The Special Show!" if you people saw them out of sequence. That would be like watching "The Prisoner" in anything other than the order the episode were meant to be seen in! Or seeing the fourth episode of "Star Wars" twenty-five years before "Episode One", which would suck! So, anyhow, somewhere, sometime -- namely: for no particular reason, here, whenever -- you will see the much-anticipated show whose very existence has been carefully concealed from all involved! You will witness the dramatic rebirth of "The Special Show!" thanks to my having seen a bad movie that said "diaper gravy" more times than was strictly necessary! WHAT DOES NOT KILL US MAKES US STRONGER! AND "BABY GENIUSES" ALMOST KILLED ME! "THE SPECIAL SHOW!" SHALL BE REBORN FROM THE ASHES OF ITS OWN PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE GLORY! TIME WAS! TIME IS! TIME WILL BE! KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED TO SEE "THE SPECIAL SHOW!" TURN ITSELF INSIDE OUT, EXPLODE TWICE, AND MARRY ITS OWN COUSIN TO GIVE BIRTH TO SOMETHING SO DIFFERENT THAT YOU COULD JUST DIE! AND THEN YOU'LL THANK ME! -- K. THE PHRASE "DIAPER GRAVY" MADE ME THINK, EVEN MORE THAN THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: HAW HAW Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 09:44:05 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > Today's kibological headline from the News-Sentinel: > > "Girl impaled by fish struggles to regain voice". > > The article had a picture of the girl (from Florida) ... > and a diagram of the fish. > > Worse yet, when I took it next door (here) to show people, someone in the > Circle of Interested Onlookers whom I'd never seen before said "Omigawd, I > -know- her!"... ...and they meant the fish! -- K. OH WHAT A ZINGER!!! JUST CALL ME DOLLY MADISON!!! NOW BACK TO "IT'S BLACK HISTORY MONTH, CHARLIE BROWN!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: (IVçN): "THE TIME IS COMING," DECLARES THE L-RD, "WHEN I WILL MAKE A "NEW COVENANT" WITH THE HOUSE of ISRAEL and with THE HOUSE of JUDAH (Jeremiah 31:31): THE LIGHT OF THE PASSOVER LAMB TO ALL MY FAMILIES AROUND THE WORLD THAT LOVE G-D AND HIS PRECIOUS WORDS OF THE TORAH AND THE TANACH, THE HOLY BIBLE; WE ARE ALL GOING TO MAKE IT TO HEAVEN WITH THE HOLY ONE THAT DECLARES EVERYDAY AND SAID: I AM THE WAY, I AM THE TRUTH, AND I AM THE LIFE; AND NO ONE MAN FROM THE HOUSE OF ISRAEL OR MANKIND IN GE Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 10:08:21 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Rev. WarFrost (d15p05abl3@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > Elio Ivan (valarezo@freewwweb.com) wrote: > > > > > > (IVçN): "THE TIME IS COMING," DECLARES THE L-RD, "WHEN I WILL MAKE A > > > "NEW COVENANT" WITH THE HOUSE of ISRAEL and with THE HOUSE of JUDAH > > > > > > You know some lard that can speak? > > > > Does it sound like Parkay does in the commercials, or do different > > kinds of talking fat sound different from each other? > > > > Does Olestra speak a different language? > > > No, but its speech patterns are fluid, unexpected, and uncontrollable. With loose vowels, plosives in consonants, assonance, nocturnal tmesis, and a big sloppy 's'. -- K. I use the word "tmesis" more than any other Emerson College graduate except for the 90% of them that went on to become articulation experts who can't do anything except teach at Emerson College. NANCY, HAND THE MAN THE DANDY EX-LAX. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: DOPPELGANGERS Date: Wed, 24 May 2000 10:44:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.george.hammond.is.a.bozo In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, alt.religion.kibology, and sci.physics, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [in response to a nasty note from a third party on another continent] > > It's illegal to threaten someone over the Internet. This threat will > be reported to abuse.com, the internet police, and your service provider > will be notified in a complaint about you. > Beyond that, a copy in a letter will be sent to: > > John E. Finnegan > Chief of Police > Barnstable Police Department > Hyannis, MA, USA > > I've known the chief of police here for 20 years, > living right next door to the John F. Kennedy > family on Squaw Island I know many of the > federal security people guarding the Kennedy compound. Yes, but why go to all that trouble if you've already contacted the Internet Police? Surely they'll just swoop in with their Internet Silent Black Helicopters and use the Internet Knock-Out Gas and Internet Paralysis Rays to subdue all the bad people in the world, and then give you candy. Just out of curiosity, where are the Internet Police headquartered? And what government agency (of which country) gave them their powers? And what powers do they have? Can they fly? Lift foreign-made cars over their heads? Grow to giant size but only when nobody's looking? Make red lights turn green just by staring at them really hard for a while? -- K. I won't even bother making fun of his claim that it "will be reported to abuse.com", because that's no big deal in light of him already phoning it in to an imaginary police force. Also, he lives next door to the place where some people who used to guard the building next to where John F. Kennedy used to live before he moved away and then died! Oh, if only the Internet Police could have saved JFK. Wait -- they still can, with their Internet Time Machine! It draws its power directly from an inexhaustible power supply -- the ravings of kooks on the Internet! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GRAND THEORY OF ALL!! Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 04:19:08 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium Ever wonder what would happen if Kurt Stocklmeir and "Wild E Cyote PHD" had a son? In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, "Paul" (plh21@cam.ac.uk) wrote: > > I have THE THEORY OF ALL!!!1 > > BUT I cannot post it here, because you will all steal it. > > Suffice to say, it reproduces all of SR and GR, QM and QED, while including > innaccuracies all of above. > > My main equasion is; > > Q= 1/2At^2/G + M/R^2 + 3^pi/8*G^3 > > This should obviously lead inquiring mings to the same convlusions as > muself. Yes, convulsions, absolutely. Just be sure to keep your vitally important new secret theory safe from evil Mings, Dr. Zarkov. -- K. Once upon a time, all the scientists in the world got together to discuss replacing the word "equation" with a word with fewer than three syllables to save time, but then they realized that the correct spelling of "equation" makes a nice barrier to entry of the scientific community by people in alt.sci.physics.new-theories. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: GRAND THEORY OF ALL!! Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 08:26:41 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Phil Glasgow (pas3181@prodigy.net) wrote: > > "Paul" (plh21@cam.ac.uk) wrote: > > > > I have THE THEORY OF ALL!!!1 > > > > BUT I cannot post it here, because you will all steal it. > > > > [...] > > > > My main equasion is; Q= 1/2At^2/G + M/R^2 + 3^pi/8*G^3 > > > > This is my repile. Why would any one steal it if they can make no sense > of it? (CUT TO Sammy Davis Jr., costumed as Albert Einstein.) SAMMY DAVIS JR. Here comes a meme! (CAMERA ZOOMS IN AND OUT wildly on a sign which says "THIS IS MY REPILE." in swirly psychedelic letters. Then, in an elegant ballroom, ARTE JOHNSON is slo-dancing with JUDY CARNE.) ARTE JOHNSON I have a lizard that only drinks coffee, he buys lots of coffee, and has no tea. JUDY CARNE Will you show me your lizard who has no tea? ARTE JOHNSON This is my repile! JO ANNE WORLEY Is that a chicken joke? Whatever it is, that joke socked it to me! (Someone dumps ten gallons of water on her. The water has "THIS IS MY REPILE." printed on it in rainbow-colored letters.) PETER SELLERS (peering through some potted plants) Interesting... but pastiche. HENRY GIBSON (holding a giant flower) I will now read my new poem titled "This Is My Repile." I think that I shall never see, a meme catchier than thee. SAMMY DAVIS JR. Eye spy with my only eye... Here comes a meme! JO ANNE WORLEY I smell a chicken joke! GARY OWENS Live, from beautiful downtown Burbank... Here comes a meme! MORGAN FREEMAN All right! I just read this whole groovy book all by myself! Outta sight! GARY OWENS It's... SPAAAAAACE MEEEEEEEEEME! (The starship SwineTrek is flying through outer space with three foam-rubber pigs on board.) MISS PIGGY You bet your bippy, buster! Hi-ya! (She karate-kicks VERY SPECIAL GUEST STAR JOE NAMATH in the knee. A pair of foam-rubber people waltz into the elegant ballroom.) BALD BLUE GUY WITH SPHERICAL HEAD I have a lizard that only drinks coffee, he buys lots of coffee, and has no tea. (RUTH BUZZI rings a large gong. THE UNKNOWN COMIC hits CHUCK BARRIS with a cream pie. CHARLES NELSON REILLY holds up a blue index card which says "WEE-WEE." A buzzer sounds. BRETT SOMERS holds up one saying "THIS IS MY REPILE." Everyone laughs at BRETT's witty repile. GENE RAYBURN is depressed that she is getting all the attention, and his super-long microphone droops with a slide-whistle noise. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN to the inside of SAMMY DAVIS JR.'s eyeball and he turns into a lizard with no tea.) LIZARD SAMMY DAVIS JR. I am this repile! Come hear a meme! I am the repile meme! (The universe explodes, represented by CAMERA ZOOMING IN AND OUT on psychedelic letters saying "ZOWIE".) FADE OUT. -- K. I really should get something to eat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Ever get the feeling you've been bamboozled? Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 08:15:48 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com So I ripped open the box of twelve garlic-flavored pierogies, and when I spread them out there are only eleven. I felt cheated. Then I noticed that the fine print on the box said "CONTAINS 10 PIEROGIES". Oh. So they changed their factory to put two fewer pierogies in a box of the same size that used to contain twelve, but they gave me an extra one. That made everything all right. -- K. I realize I always sound like I'm being sarcastic even when I'm not, so in this case I feel I should add -- "YES, SARCASM!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dot-Com Name Doesn't Change Town Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 08:38:14 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press wrote: > > HALFWAY, Ore. (AP) -- When residents of this tiny Western town > tucked against the snowy Wallowa Mountains agreed to unofficially > change Halfway's name to one with a high-tech ring, it seemed like > an answer to their prayers. > Most people hoped the deal -- a marketing stunt dreamed up by an > Internet startup with a similar name -- would pump new life into the > town's flailing economy by bringing in tourists, new jobs and cash. > So far, Halfway isn't wholly satisfied with the results of its > part-time name: half.com. > There has been no rush to this remote corner of eastern Oregon > by tourists -- or even half-interested curiosity seekers. > ``The only people that are going to come here in hordes are the > ones who love the things that we do -- the isolation,'' said Diana > Glynn, who works for the city council. ``There may not be too many > of those.'' > That pleases folks who had feared Halfway would be overrun by > people who wanted to experience life in a town with a dot-com name. So who's dumber, the imaginary tourists who were supposed to go to Oregon so they could say "Woo! I'm standing in a dot-com town!", or the bozos who predicted the town would be overrun by imaginary bozos? > Still, motels and restaurants in Halfway had been hoping for > some extra business. > ``I thought it was a neat thing. But as far as boosting business > in our town -- I don't think it's done anything,'' said 35-year-old > Meriann Digges, who has run Wild Bill's -- a downtown lounge that > offers the only breakfast in town -- for the last five years. (Ever since Laverne's dad retired when they finally cancelled the series after its eighteenth season -- you remember, that was the one which didn't have Laverne *or* Shirley.) > In January, the city council voted to temporarily change the > name of Halfway to half.com as part of a marketing gimmick by an > online retailer of the same name. It would have been funnier if it had been an online retailer of a DIFFERENT name. "Hi, I represent Amazon.Com, and I'll pay you a hundred bucks to change the name of your crappy town to Half.Com!" > The name half.com doesn't appear on any map, and the town's > official name is still Halfway. The town uses half.com strictly for > publicity purposes. I see, so, they can't publicize the name, which is solely for publicity purposes. > The half.com company hoped to increase business through > publicity about the little Oregon town that had put dot-com in its name. I'm starting to think that this article is trying to tell me that some down put "dot-com" in their name. I just wish it would slow down and explain it another three times. This nerd stuff is hard! > And many folks in Halfway had hoped the publicity would bring in > tourists to make up for industries that have gone under in the > region over the past decades -- primarily mining and logging. > ``The primary intent of the relationship was to have a win-win > situation,'' said Joshua Kopelman, the 29-year-old founder of the > company, which matches buyers and sellers of goods. ``We're helping > the town. And they've given us a level of national exposure we > didn't have before.'' > The 4-month-old company based in Conshohocken, Pa., won't say if > it is earning a profit, but Kopelman said the Web site is one of > the most popular on the Internet. While not in the top 50, half.com > ranked among the 500 most visited sites on the Internet in March, > according to tracking firm Media Metrix Inc. > ``They put us on the map,'' Kopelman said of Halfway. "Except that they required us to change our name to one that can't be found on any map." > For those who visit Halfway, the only trace of the company is a > small sign at the edge of town that says: ``Welcome to half.com > Oregon, America's first Dot-com city.'' > ``I've heard a few people talking about monkeywrenching that > sign,'' said Kifur Yosemite, a glass artist who has lived in the > Pine Valley for 20 years. ``Not everyone's happy about this.'' I bet the local signmaking company is happy. -- K. Also, SHUT UP about William Shatner singing badly in the Priceline.Com commercials! I don't need another person on TV or in the newspaper telling me that he sings badly! I THINK I ALREADY FIGURED THAT OUT ON MY OWN! AND I THINK HE MAY HAVE ALREADY BEEN BAD BEFORE HE DID THOSE COMMERCIALS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Today's non-news news story Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 20:48:35 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Remember how, about four years ago, every time you turned on the TV, one of the segments of the evening news would be "Some guy just put up a Web page about Barbie" because the news media were clueless enough about the Web that they would think, "Hey! I've never seen a Web site about _________ before, and I've seen almost ten Web sites! This has to go into the newscast!" Well, during 1999 and 2000 the big item has been "Look! Someone's trying to sell ____________ on eBay! I've never heard of anyone selling ____________ ON THE COMPUTER before!" (You get the feeling that the people who write the news are sort of hack equivalents of Gene Rayburn, where they keep filling in the SAME blank every day.) The human kidney, the guy's soul, the fake Eli‡n Gonzales inner tube, and that guy who decided to auction eBay itself on eBay are just four of the past examples of Things We Didn't Need To Be Told Were On eBay Especially Since eBay Stops The Sale Of Anything That Gets Media Coverage. Today's how news story about A Thing That's Not Being Sold On eBay is: [from apbnews.com] > > Killer Put Tickets to His Execution on EBay > Auction House Pulls Offer, Says No One Made Bids > > May 25, 2000 > > By Richard Zitrin > > LAKE WORTH, Texas (APBnews.com) -- An inmate on death row for killing > three people with a bomb apparently tried to auction five seats to his > execution on eBay. Wow! I didn't realize people got executed on eBay! If I ever get executed, I also want an execution on eBay. No, wait! I want to be executed on www.realdoll.com! > The California-based online auction site immediately pulled Michael > Toney's offer upon learning of it, eBay spokesman Kevin Pursglove said. No > one bid during the several hours the seats to Toney's execution were > posted. His death has not yet been scheduled. > > "Clearly, we do not want an item like this listed on eBay," Pursglove said. > > The death row inmate's offer was yanked because it violated eBay's user > agreement and because Toney legally does not have the right to sell seats > to his execution, he said. Yeah! The people who kill you are the ones who get to decide who to sell the tickets to! And if you don't like it, file a complaint afterwards! > The offer violated the eBay user agreement because, instead of describing > the item up for sale, it contained a long diatribe by Toney about his > trial and other extraneous information, Also, if I ever post a long, aggrieved "burnout letter" to alt.religion.kibology, I promise halfway through it'll say "continued on eBay." > including that proceeds from the sale of the seats at his execution > would go to his children, Pursglove said. > > "Bottom line is, he doesn't have the right to do this," Pursglove said. > "As we understand it, under Texas law, he does not have the right to > possess and sell these as tickets. Our bottom line is, anytime people are > selling merchandise on eBay, No. 1, you have to follow the guidelines laid > out in our user agreement and, No. 2, you have to follow the law. Here's a > case where the individual simply did not have the right to sell the item > that was described, and that right there qualifies it for removal from > eBay." > > 'This man has no rights' > > An unidentified woman who was a prosecution witness at Toney's trial last > year apparently placed the offer on eBay for him, Pursglove said. Bidding > was to begin at $100 per seat, he said. > > Texas death row inmates are not allowed access to the Internet, state > Department of Criminal Justice spokesman Glen Castlebury said. > > "The man is incarcerated on death row," Castlebury said. "He does not have > the opportunity -- nor the right -- to be doing anything. He cannot sell > Popsicles on the street. This man has no rights in the free world, period, > end of story." Waah! I want to be able to buy Popsicles from people who are about to die! (That makes them taste so much better!) > Prisoners sentenced to death are allowed five witnesses at their > executions, but they must be relatives, close friends or spiritual > advisers, he said. Oh, yeah, you could _never_ claim random people are your "spiritual advisers". But it's good to know that the government has a procedure to screen out regular friends from _close_ friends. > Lawyer: Client looks like idiot > > Anyone who bought such a ticket on the Internet or anywhere else clearly > would not be allowed to witness an execution, Castlebury said. > > "They would not even have any access to be in the system of rules and > regulations that would put their nefarious names in front of us for making > that decision," he said. > > Even Toney's attorney, Robert Ford, was critical of the inmate's attempt > to sell seats at his execution. > > "This makes him, quite frankly, look like an idiot," Ford said. Yeah, and it'll make it harder for him to be taken seriously when he sells Popsicles on eBay after he's executed. > [...] > > "I just hate to have clients do things like this," Ford said. "I think, > particularly in a capital case, the best thing you can do is stay quiet > and not bring attention to yourself. Don't make a fuss! You're only being executed! I suggest you just relax and try to enjoy it! -- K. As far as methods of execution go, I want to be executed by the world's largest atomic bomb. While eating a Popsicle. And it would be a special bomb that would vaporize thousands of square miles without ruining my Popsicle. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Today's non-news news story Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 08:56:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Logan Shaw (logan@cs.utexas.edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Don't make a fuss! You're only being executed! I suggest you just > > relax and try to enjoy it! > > Ooooh, very nice Clayton Williams reference! Impressive! I loved him on "The Mod Squad". Anyway, I figured I should drop a "relax and enjoy it" reference in somwhere just to remind people that Kurt Stocklmeir isn't the only person in the world who's an idiot when it comes to rape. Now you know: There are TWO idiots! -- K. Rape is not funny, unless you spell it "canola". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Three-way split unlikely Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 21:45:20 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > "Usenet" is this big thing with the things and the other stuff, plus nerds. On Usenet, nerds are a plus! I noticed recently that Burger King changed their receipts -- a plain hamburger is no longer indicated as "MINUS ALL". That relieves me, now I can stop worrying that it will be minus the beef, the bun, the wrapper, and the painful indigestion. On the other hand, I still worry that when I'm told that Kellogg's Brazen Nutra-Sweet Crisp is "part of a complete breakfast", that by definition a complete breakfast would include an "everything bagel", and the everything bagel would include Kellogg's Brazen Nutra-Sweet Crisp, and my breakfast would get soggy while I was recursing it until I died of either starvation or a stack overflow. Or of the stack of stuff falling on me. -- K. FRIENDS, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT TALKING TO NERDS? COME TO USENET, WE'VE GOT NERDS, NERDS, NERDS, AND NERDS! WE'VE GOT SO MANY NERDS IT LOOKS LIKE M.I.T. BLEW UP! ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS, DEMAND THAT YOUR COMPUTER NETWORK CONTAIN GENUINE NERDS WITH MY FACE ON THEM! USENET, AT THE CORNER OF THE INTERNET AND GRAFFITI! STOP IN TODAY TO GET'CHER NERDS! WE'RE SO NERDY, YOU'LL GO INSANE! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Casting Call! Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 21:51:12 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp [re the latest movie masterpiece from the man behind "Agent Action"] Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > From http://www.cybamall.com/casting/ > > 7 KROG MEMBERS: Villains 18 - 65. Worship Ancient egypt and the devil. > speaking roles. Black robes and torture tools a plus. > > I think they might consider someone who worships the devil and ancient > China (make that "Ancient china"), especially if you've got you're own > black robe. I think movies like this should be required to open with a screen saying, "WARNING: THIS MOVIE IS SO CHEAP THAT THE ACTORS BROUGHT THEIR OWN COSTUMES." However, that might just make things worse because it contains the phrase "required to open" and then William Blair would _have_ to release a movie. (Is there any proof that any of his movies like "Agent Action" have ever been seen outside his basement? Or can't he even get the level of distribution that Len Cella had? Whatever happened to Len Cella? Why isn't he on the Internet? The Internet is perfect for people like him!) Sincerely, -- Kibo THE LEN CELLA OF THE INTERNET ONLY IN PRINT AND WITHOUT THE CONSTANT BUZZING NOISE ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: William Blair Casting Call! Date: Fri, 26 May 2000 22:04:54 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp [a different followup to the same article about William Blair's latest nonexistent masterpiece] Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > From http://www.cybamall.com/casting/ > > 7 KROG MEMBERS: Villains 18 - 65. Worship Ancient egypt and the devil. > speaking roles. Black robes and torture tools a plus. I an proud to say that I own two copies of "The Devil's Rain", in their original longboxes with different pictures on the front. This is a movie (not by William Blair, but by someone much more talented, on the order of Larry Buchanan) about evil Satan-worshippers, and for cheapness^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hauthenticity it stars actual Satanists who brought their own black robes, with Anton LaVey as the "technical advisor" to make sure they didn't accidentally fail to invoke Satan or anything. The cast of this all-Satanist movie also includes John Travola and William Shatner. I know it's hard for you folks to imagine that John Travolta was in a movie made with the involvement of an evil religious cult, but I swear I'm not imagining this movie, I have two of it. I've mentioned this movie before, but I feel the time is right to describe it again lest we forget the horror that is William Shatner's authentic Satanist movie (as opposed to his Esperanto movie.) The premise is that Ernest Borgnine is Satan (with fairly minimal makeup -- oh, sure, they glued devil's horns on him, but they didn't have to work too hard to make him look demonic.) He captures William Shatner and tortures him, then he steals Shatner's soul by poking his eyes out. There are many scenes of a shirtless, eyeless William Shatner running around in circles screaming and moaning and otherwise chewing the scenery which they would have had if they could afford any. Then in the back of a crowd scene John Travolta says one line (I recall it's something like "There's the unbeliever!") and it begins to rain and everyone -- Borgnine, Shatner, Travolta, Tom Skeritt, Ida Lupino, etc. -- slowly melts into a puddle of pink goo before your very eyes. The highlight of this movie is that William Shatner wears a mask that looks like William Shatner with big puffy eyeholes to make us think he doesn't have any eyes. Fans of horror movies have heard that the mask worn by the bad guy in the original "Halloween" was modelled on an old lifecast of William Shatner that was lying around the makeup guy's studio, and "The Devil's Rain" is obviously the movie that the version of William Shatner Now With Extra-Large Eyeholes was originally created for. -- K. Too bad Shatner never made that movie where he was going to play Gordie Howe so that we could see Shatner skate. I promise to take a picture of the building that McGill University insists is NOT officially named after William Shatner when I'm visiting McGill this summer. (The students voted to name the Student Centre after him because of his generous fifty-dollar donations. Fifty CANADIAN dollars, I assume. The University refuses to formally acknowledge the building's name, because, let's face it, for fifty dollars you can't get a building renamed even if you're a RESPECTED actor.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics.relativity,sci.math,alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OPEN LETTER TO PROF LOUNESTO re: God Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 01:33:21 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics.relativity, sci.math, alt.sci.physics.new-theories, and alt.religion.kibology, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...] FLA-BOOM! SUPER IMPROVED NEW KONTEXT-AWAY ERADICATES EVERYTHING THAT ISN'T WORTH THINKING ABOUT! > Hey buddy, this isn't a poetry session. FOOP! SUPER IMPROVED NEW KONTEXT-AWAY RETURNS TO ITS PROTECTIVE STORAGE-DISPOSAL-AND-COLLECTOR'S CASE! Dear George, If this isn't a poetry session, why are you posting it to alt.religion.kibology? Alt.religion.kibology is solely for serious discussion of poetry. Please try to post your physics theories in iambic pentameter from now on. Like this: duh-DUH duh-DUH duh-DUH duh-DUH ham-MOND -- K. Also please try to use more ROT-13. V jbaqre vs ur'f rire tbvat gb svther bhg gung ur pna pubbfr abg gb cbfg uvf enagf gb n.e.x vs ur jnagf srjre crbcyr znxvat sha bs uvz va EBG-13. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.math,alt.religion.kibology,sci.physics.relativity,alt.sci.physics.new-theories From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OPEN LETTER TO PROF LOUNESTO re: God Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 09:03:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.society.neutopia In sci.math, alt.religion.kibology, sci.physics.relativity, and alt.sci.physics.new-theories, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) addressed someone respectfully: > > Sorry I didn't have time to powder my nose for you ya stupid bitch. Remember where there used to be mad scientists who LIKED women? -- K. I think someone needs a counseling session with Doctress Neutopia. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.math,sci.physics.relativity,sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: SCIENTIFIC DEFINITION OF GOD Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 01:43:16 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.math, sci.physics.relativity, sci.physics, and alt.religion.kibology, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > [...referring to someone other than me...] > > Thank you. However, thru long years of alliance with > your personality constellation, I am highly sensitive to your > natural iconoclasm. Do not try to pull my leg. Oh, no, we'd never try to pull your leg, or "trowel" you as the kids say these days. Who can understand them the way they talk? Anyway, George, I promise never to try to pull a fast one on you, and also I would never waste sarcasm on a brilliant mind such as yours. -- K. By the way, why are you posting your brilliant theories to alt.religion.kibology? The people on sci.physics and sci.math won't take you seriously if they see you posting to a silly newsgroup like alt.religion.kibology. They'll assume you're trying to trowel sci.physics! Followups set to a more serious newsgroup than alt.religion.kibology. (Guvf fragrapr vf va EBG-13 orpnhfr SECRET CODE KNOWN ONLY TO THE GOV'T --> vg vf gbb fvyyl sbe crbcyr va gur fpvrapr arjftebhcf gb nccerpvngr.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: News you can use but can't stand! Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 08:01:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Urgent! United Press International alerted me to lifethreatening matters! > > Subject: 2,800 pounds of hot dogs recalled > > WASHINGTON, May 26 (UPI) - A Michigan meat processor Friday > recalled 2,800 pounds of hotdogs after routine Agriculture Department > testing turned up listeria monocytogenes contamination. > In other recalls, Treat Makers L.L.C. recalled Medalist pig > ear pet treats, "MMM, THIS PIG EAR TASTES JUST LIKE A HOT DOG!" I recommend in light of this recall that you people should throw out any hot dogs you have which contain pig ears. (That would be all of them.) > Universal Security Instruments Inc. recalled 34,000 smoke alarms > and Warner Bros. Studio Stores recalled Tweety rattles and sandals. ...after several Tweeties injured themselves with the tiny things. > [...] > > The recalled pig ear treats bear the lot Nos. 07600EXU3 and > 08300EXU1 and may be contaminated with Salmonella. Pet owners can > become ill if they touch the treats and them [sic] put their hands > to their mouths or on food without first washing. Or if they put their hands on the pig ear in a hot dog and then put their hands in a bucket of poison and then eat their hands and then kiss a girl who has mashed-up dead animals stuck between her teeth. > The pig ears are packaged in bags of 12. Cut, cut! I'm terminating this article here before a hack standup comedian steps in with some trite observational humor disguised as comedy. -- K. It's called "observational humor" because the hacks get it by observing the acts of other hacks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a sin Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 08:36:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > Pax you are the small person. > > I do not need to impress people. If I worried a lot about what people > thought of me I would not talk like I do. > > [...] > > I would like a lot of guys to rape Pax. She deserves it. After that a big > group of people can have a party for it. All the slime can be friendly > with the slime that raped her. She would think they were all slime. She > would be right. If a lot of guys raped her and if a lot of people were > friends with the guys may be she would understand what kind of person she > is. Augh! Now I have to go refile Danny DeVito's "Taxi" character over in the "warm & fuzzy" end of my brain! I hope you're happy, making me mash Danny DeVito and little Shirley Temple together just to make room for your massive evilitude, evil dude! -- K. P.S. Who's Pax? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: PEOPLE ARE DUMB Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 09:06:31 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "And knowing is half the battle." (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > Someone put an entire kid's plastic pool in the magazine recycling bin > at the local library. Well, you see, Don Saklad had finished reading it. -- K. Welcome to pee-riodicals, notice there is no pool in it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Bee Pudding Date: Sat, 27 May 2000 09:15:57 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Schwa Love" (SCHWA242@hotmail.com) wrote: > > I have come up with a new recipe for Bee Pudding: > > > > Get a bowl of mustard and mix in black licorice whips that have been > cut to about two inches long. Try to make them line up parallel to > each other for that stripey effect. Augh! You got your "Crazy" magazine mixed in with my Internet! Help, there are invisible Obnoxio The Clowns crawling all over me... (DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: 1.43 McIrvins) ...with their Mustard Custard recipe from the early 1980s! (DEGREE OF DIFFICULTY: 0.00, self-explanatory obscurantism) > Someone please make a bowl and tell me if it tastes any good or if it > is as nasty as it sounds. Right now, I only think it would taste > horrible, so I won't try it, but if someone tells me it tastes horrible > from personal experience, then maybe I will. > > If it bothers you that much, pour some sugar on it or something. > Sheesh! That's nothing. I just had that green and orange pudding that's supposed to taste like dinosaurs. Apparently when Disney was finished making that dopey movie about the talking dinosaurs they had all these leftover dinosaurs and they squeezed them and green and orange goop came out and they sold it to Snack Pack. This is worse than the time that Burger King had Tubby Custard which I avoided eating because I didn't want to accidentally spill it all over the inside of the Tubbytronic Superdome and have the Noo-Noo come out and suck my lap with its hose. And then the glowing pinwheel would emit a shower of radioactive fallout and I'd have to say "bye-bye" fofty or sixty times before being allowed to leave. It would be even worse than the usual Burger King dining experience! -- K. That really should have said "would have been" and not "would be" but that paragraph doesn't deserve to have consistent grammar going all the way from one end to the other.