Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Big Bertha Thing sumation Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 07:37:36 GMT Organization: www.kibo.com In sci.math, Tony Lance (tonylance@yahoo.co.uk) wrote: > > Big Bertha Thing sumation > Cosmic Ray Series > Possible Real World System Constructs > www.geocities.com/tonylance/sumation.html > www.bertha.ndirect.co.uk (disabled) > Access Page for 78K Zip File > PI Webring Access Point > > Count the number of polka-dots on an equilateral triangle. Seven. What do I win? > [...] > > Big Bertha Thing posting features;- > 1. Ornate Engraving and Scrollwork. > 2. Re-useable. > 3. Armour-piercing. > 4. Zero casualties. > 5. Re-configurable. > 6. Accurate. > 7. Tactical. > 8. Strategic. > 9. Scientific. > 10. Weighty. > 11. Start of Thread. > 12. Brand Name. Yes, but MY postings feature: 1. Ornate Engraving and Scrollwork. 2. Re-useable. 3. Armour-piercing. 4. Zero casualties. 5. Re-configurable. 6. Accurate. 7. Tactical. 8. Strategic. 9. Scientific. 10. Weighty. 11. Start of Thread. 12. Brand Name. 13. Free candy dispensed by Potsie! "Hi, everyone! I'm Potsie from 'Happy Days'! Have some candy!" Get back in your box, Potsie! "Okay, Kibo! Bye, everyone! I'm Potsie!" (sound of padlock being clicked shut) -- K. There were an additional 19 items on his list of all possible non-sequiturs, but I didn't quote them because they were SILLY. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil #66 bus driver sighting #20000519a Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 03:49:51 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > "Doc Sigma" (doc@spacemoose.com) wrote: > > > > So much as uttering the phrase "Picking up passangers is more important > > than making the green light" is grounds enough for explusion from MBTA > > School. > > However, the universally useful lie "There's another [bus|train] coming > right behind this one" is taught on the first day. I think they even use that one on the commuter boat. "If you squint really hard you can see the (bus/train) down there somewhere. Just jump in and I'm sure you can find it." The MBTA School also divides them into the two secret groups, one of which yells at you when you try to put a dollar bill into the slot without first putting it in the tiny envelopes they give you, the other of which has never heard of the tiny envelopes. -- K. Does the MBTA School also teach them how to pronounce those weird local place names like "Boyilston" and "Gummit Center"? My personal favorite MBTA sign: At Maverick there is an electric sign showing where the trains (represented by light bulbs) are relative to the station: AQUARIUM MAVERICK AIRPORT WOOD ISLAND ORIENTS HEIGHTS INBOUND <------------------oooooo----------------------oooooo----------------- OUTBOUND >----------------------------------oooooo---------------------------- AQUARIUM MAVERICK AIRPORT WOOD ISLAND ORIENT HEIGHTS It's carefully hand-lettered to make sure that the two different spellings of the same place on the same sign look their best. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil #66 bus driver sighting #20000519a Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 22:15:52 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Andrew Pearson (apearson@pt.lu) wrote: > > Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > > > p.s. The worst thing about the subway is I always seem > > to end up in a car with a bunch of kids who hear the > > door-chime then think it's really hilarious to keep > > going "BIIIIIIING BOOOOOONG!!!!!! BIIIIIING BOOOOOONG!!! > > BIIIIIIING BOOOOOOOONG!!!!!!!" in extremely loud > > high-pitched voices until I strangle them. > > This reminds me (Thank you Very Much!) of a nightmare journey on a > commuter train across Scotland one day. This guy with two kids had got > one of the pairs of seats with a table in the middle, and sat across > from his children, making an hour-long video of "the kids on a train > ride". The kids had books, which they banged on the table for the > whole journey - they started before we left Queen street, and kept it > up continuously till the train stopped at Waverley, and the guy made a > video of the whole thing. Two kids banging their books on the table > Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang BANG! Then > shout/singing "Quake and QUIVER". > > Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang BANG! Quake and QUIVER! > Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang BANG! Quake and > QUI-i-I-VER! Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang, Bang-bang-bang BANG! > Quake and QUIVER! > > It's a catchy tune though. > > Have you ever noticed that when K*bo transcribes a tune into a usenet > post, you can recognise it quite easily? ...which is ironic, given that I don't *know* any tunes. Except for the "Match Game '76" "think music", which was misnamed because it clearly couldn't make Brett Somers think. bwamp bwamp bwananadada doot-doot-doodoo-doot. (Those were the lyrics as well as the tune.) Oh, and the other tune I know is the theme from "TV Monopoly", M! O! N! O! P-O-L-Y! M! O! N! O! P-O-L-Y! MONOPOLYMONOPOLYMONOPOLYMONOPOLY M! O! N! O! P-O-L-Y! ...although I'm not sure that even counts as a piece of music, more like Rain Man trying to win a spelling bee. So you see, I know nothing whatsoever about music. Music is evil and should be destroyed! -- K. And The Spice Girls tried very hard to do just that! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Evil #66 bus driver sighting #20000519a Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 23:38:06 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [...] the "Match Game '76" "think music", which was misnamed because it > > clearly couldn't make Brett Somers think. > > The thing that always weirds me out when I watch old "Match > Game" shows is how frequently Gene Rayburn calls that music > "forgettable" and challenges anyone on the panel to hum > it after it stops playing on the speakers. And nobody can! > Meanwhile, I frequently have to get elective brain surgery > just to get that tune out of my head! And in some of the later episodes, when he complains, they pop in the tape of the rejected alternate version instead, a more peppy, more upbeat, more irritating version of the same synthesizer music. Alas, that version isn't on my CD of game-show music which has the full, unexpurgated extended dance cut of the "Match Game" closing theme. (The "think music" was really just about one and a half bars of it repeated endlessly, probably composed by Philip Glass.) > Of course it is hard just to *hum* it, because I always find > myself trying to imitate the sound of it a little more than > that. When I do it, it comes out like this: > > WAWMP boomp ba DEE-doot-doot-da-doo > WAWMP boomp ba DEE-doot-doot-da-doo > WAWMP boomp ba DEE-doot-doot-da-doo > WAWMP boomp ba DEE-doot-doot-da-doo > WAWMP boomp ba DEE-doot-doot-da-doo > > And in the background, you can hear Brett Somers asking > Gene Rayburn to repeat the question five times, so he > walks up behind the Lower Tier celebrities so he can > show his card to her, and meanwhile Charles Nelson Reilly > makes catty comments about her, and she starts saying > "OOOH, I've got the perfect answer, I've got the perfect > answer," and Gene Rayburn says, "Well, just write it down, > then." And her answer always ends up being far less than > perfect. The line of hers I remember from childhood was printed on the back cover of the "Zingers From The Hollywood Squares" record (now that's classy auditory entertainment!) where she said of the word 'toilet', "In New York, they call it a 'terlet'!" They couldn't have just put a recording of that on the record, because then we wouldn't have known that she spelled it t-e-r-l-e-t when she said that witty line. I think the reason she was on "Match Game" was that they felt they had to have one celebrity who made the contestants look brainy. There's no other reason they had her in _every_ episode when she clearly had trouble understanding the basic concept of the game, which was to put your "wee-wee" into Gene Rayburn's "blank". -- K. I just saw one where she referred to a penis as a "wa-wa". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OPEN LETTER TO PROF LOUNESTO re: God Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 03:55:50 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Dear George, > > > > If this isn't a poetry session, why are you posting it to > > alt.religion.kibology? Alt.religion.kibology is solely for > > serious discussion of poetry. Please try to post your physics > > theories in iambic pentameter from now on. > > Hey, sorry.. since you have "religion" in the title of your newsgroup > I thought you guys were into religion. Didn't realize I was bothering > you. I'll delete alt.religion.kibology from future headers.. no problem. And then, exactly 89 minutes later, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) posted to alt.religion.kibology: > > Let me get this much straight. In my opinion Kibo Parry is > performing a public service. It's obvious that his understanding > of mental phenomena and it's social causes is profound, so is > mine. However, his is practical and mine is theoretical... therefore, > we really don't have much to discuss. I've stopped posting > this stuff to alt.religion.kibology because it's apparently too > theoretical for their efforts. And as a theoretician i don't belong on > the front lines.. I belong in the library. Yes, you do. Don, skooch over, we're putting George in there with you. -- K. Fbzrgvzrf Trbetr fubjf synfurf SPECIAL TRIPLE-ENCODED ROT-39 CODE ---------> bs jvg. Yvxr jura ur fhttrfgf (press the "ROT-13" button three times) ur rire tbrf gb n yvoenel. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: OPEN LETTER TO PROF LOUNESTO re: God Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 22:18:06 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.george.hammond.is.a.bozo In about twenty articles during the past twenty-four hours, George Hammond (ghammond@mediaone.net) spammed this over and over: > > Hahahahahaaaa...........aaaaaahaahahahahhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahahahahah > ahahaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaaa..............aaahahahahaaaaaaaaa > ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaHahahahahaaaaaaaaaahaahahahahhhhhhaaaaa > aaaaahahahahahahahaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahaaaaaahahahahaaaaaaaaa > ahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa...............Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaahaaha > hahahhhh........................hhaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaaaaaaa > hahahahahahahahahaaaaaahahahahaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa > Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaahaahahahahhhhhhaaaaaaa..............aaahahaha > hahahahaaaaaaa................hahahahahahahahahaaaaaahahahahaaaa > aaaaaahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa..........hahahahahahahahahahahaha Dear George, You misspelled Duhduhduhduhduh.........duuuuuuhduhduhduhduhhhhhhhhhhhhduhduhduh duhduhhhhhhduhduhduhduhduhduhhh..............duuuhduhduhduhhhhhh duhduhduhduhduuuuuuuuuuuhduhduhduhduuuuuuuuuuuhduhduhhhhhhduhduh duuuuuhduhduhduhduuuuuuuuhduhduhduhduhduhduuuuuuhduhduhduuuuuuuh duhduhduhduhduuuuuuuuuuuh...............Duhduhduhduuuuuuuhduhduh duhhhhhh........................duuuuuuuuuuuhduhduhduhduhduuuuuh duhduhduhduhduhduuuuuuuuhduhduuuuuuuuuuhduhduhduhduhduhduuuuuuuh Duhduhduhduuuuuuuuuuhduhduhduhhhhhhduuuuh..............duhduhduh duhduhduuuuuuh................duhduhduhduhduhduuuuuuuhduhduuuuuh duuuuuhduhduhduhduhduuuuuuuuuh..........duhduhduhduhduhduhduhduh Hope this helps. Sorry about breaking your brain. -- K. Be znlor ur'f gelvat gb gryy hf fbzrguvat BLOCK OF TOTAL NONSENSE va n Onpba pvcure. V jvfu guvf cebtenz WHICH COULDN'T POSSIBLY -------> unq n Onpba rapelcgvba/qrpelcgvba ohggba CONTAIN A HIDDEN MESSAGE evtug arkg gb gur EBG13 ohggba. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Nudibranch of the week Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 04:08:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > It took me a while to remember that a Kinder Surprise is a European > > > thing where you get a plastic ball and after you've paid for it you > > > can open it up to find a molded plastic critter inside. (Cost of > > > manufacture: Two cents. Or half an Euro.) We don't have anything > > > like that in the USA John Burrage (jburrage@cyllene.uwa.edu.au) wrote: > > > > Sorry, I thought Kinder Surprises were a global thing. Well, you're > > not missing out on much; the last three Kinder Surprises I bought all > > contained a small gnome holding a pie and a mug of beer. And the pie contained a smaller Kinder Surprise, which contained a slice of a carrot cut to resemble a geometric butterfly, which contained a tiny red plastic mouse you couldn't see unless you bathed! Oh dear, I think I just drove the Traskmobile over the evanescent birthday cake that is the McIrvin Limit. I'd like to apologize to everyone who has never eaten at Bea Arthur's Chinese restaurant. And also to everyone who has. "Rax Deathclam" (stickhead@iname.com) wrote: > > i know how you feel. the toys are really awful a lot of the time. but when > i was in italy i saw an ad for the italian version, i forget what they're > called (probably bimbo surpriso or something). but, anyway, since this was > around easter, they were advertising the special, extra-damn-large kinder > surprises, which were about 10 inches tall, really. so, in the ad, these > little italian children all pop open their hideously bloated choco-eggs, and > get really big (relatively) toys of some sort. like, one of them got this > little roller coaster thing like the battery-powered ones you slide little > plastic penguins down. and the last kid holds up this beanbag fred > flintstone, and happily shrieks, 'IL FLINTSTONE!!' and joy ensues. > this is my inspiration. he didn't say, 'fred flintstone,' he said 'A > flintstone.' and, he said it really loudly. "A *REAL* FOSSILIZED FLINTSTONE! MMM, CANNIBALISTIC-JERKY-TASTIC!" I noticed that in the USA Nestle is still selling the chocolate balls with stuff inside, but the only stuff inside is more candy, because I think they're not allowed to sell things inside other things unless BOTH things are digestible if accidentally swallowed whole. Although this doesn't explain the stuff inside those Cadbury eggs that come out of the hinder of a talking rabbit. -- K. Also those eggs hatch into things that rip people's faces off and give Lewis Stiller nightmares if you watch that particular 1/24 of a second of a movie. (Difficulty of that reference: 0.2 McIrvins plus 0.3 for each year you haven't been around on a.r.k.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: All together now! Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 04:23:28 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > > > There were Eugenics departments at many major universitites. Hitler didn't > > invent all that crap, he was just the first person to put it into > > action. There were also laws passed in the US and the UK that > > allowed the sterilization of criminals and the "feeble-minded". A > > few municipalities used these laws to sterilize hundreds (IIRC, > > it could be thousands. My ref is at home.) of people. > > In some states in the US they kept doing it until at least the 1970s. > I believe Virginia was one of the last. ...and they stopped nine months before Matt was born! MAKES YOU THINK, DOESN'T IT? Someday I need to find a sentence that makes people stop thinking. Then I'll turn it into a hit sitcom starring Tony Danza! > > So, famous lab scientists make some important discoveries (about > > population genetics and mutations.) Some of these scientists > > and many uppity socialites mis-extrapolate these findings to > > human populations and convince lawmakers to change social policy. > > New laws are passed, textbooks are re-written across the world, > > thousands of people are sterilized aginst their will and THEN > > Hitler enters the picture. > > A popular theme was that genetically dumber (i.e. poor) people were > outbreeding genetically smarter (i.e. rich) ones, therefore intelligence > was selected against unless scientifically informed men of stern character > stepped in to regulate breeding. C. M. Kornbluth, a writer of great wit > and excellent style, got some famous science fiction stories out of the > idea ("The Marching Morons," "The Little Black Bag") even after Hitler. > The idea is superficially seductive, especially if you are already > convinced that the people you meet are getting dumber and dumber. Not the people other people meet! Just the people Y-O-U meet are getting dumber! Quick, wrap your head in aluminum foil before the rays from your brain make everyone stupid! > There's absolutely no good scientific evidence for it (in fact, though > it may not mean anything, raw IQ test scores have been increasing for > decades-- something that, last I checked, psychologists had not adequately > explained), but this can be hard to believe. > > The most recent major outbreak of this notion was in Singapore in the > 1980s. The government reasoned that, welfare having erased all artificial > class distinctions, success was now primarily genetically determined, so > they decided to help natural selection along by selectively giving > educational aid to *rich* families, and running a national computer dating > service. I'll do my part to improve our race thru racism^H^H^H^H^H^Heugen^H^H^H^H^Hsex: I swear on a stack of L. Frank Baum novels that I will never, ever have sex with anyone who isn't rich, a movie star, or someone who makes interesting alt.religion.kibology posts. (It came out today that the guy who wrote "The Wizard Of Oz" wrote a newspaper editorial calling for the execution of all surviving American Indians. Of which I think there were about five at the time. I don't know the details of his plan, but I think it involved silver slippers* with Odor-Eaters soaked in smallpox.) * Yes, they were described as silver in the book. Because if they had been red everything else in Emerald City would have been red too, because of the two-color Denslow illustrations. And that would have confused kids into thinking that emeralds and rubies were two versions of the same mineral or something. -- K. Also the reason rap music exists is that a certain idiotic Nobel laureate named John Shockley came up with that plan to give a free transistor radio to any black guy who got a vasectomy. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: All together now! Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 04:35:55 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit+ark@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > "Fantod" (fantod@geocities.com) wrote: > > > > I think an ultimate goal of society is to be able to devote the > > maximum time to pleasure. > > and > > > When you can build a space station by inflating it, > > then you can fire up the rockets. > > But... what's the connection between the pursuit of pleasure > and sophisticated inflatable technology? Dear Ranjit, Next time you borrow the Super New Two-Pronged Kontext-Away Now In Stereo, please remember to wipe the sweat off it after your done. As far as the pursuit of inflatables, I believe that's in the Constitution, or possibly the Bible. It's somewhere between the part about being allowed to do whatever the hell you want at all times and the part about how nobody but you is allowed to have a gun as good as yours. You know, near the thing about how you can't make gravy images or otherwise play with your food. -- K. The Constitution is what made this country great! And no fun at all! Too much BLAH BLAH BLAH CONGRESS CAN'T DO THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH THE PRESIDENT CAN'T DO THAT. Life would be so much wackier if the President could do whatever he wanted, like James Bond! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll have to get my gun and go fire at a crowded theater. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: All together now! Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 04:29:16 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > [...] > > There are some interesting demographic changes coming in Southeast Asia, > where gender selection has resulted in 10:9 or more male:female ratios > among the young. Historically, wars are used to return imbalances like > these to equilibrium. Is that why people occasionally try to stir up a flame war in alt.religion.kibology? I agree that a.r.k needs more girls of the female sexy gender, but I'm not sure flame wars are what'll get them to come visit us. I think instead a better idea would be something that we know girls like. The problem is that because we're guys we don't know what the gals want. We just know that they don't like anything good, like The Three Stooges. Hey, wait a minute... Let's make a movie in which The Three Stooges are gruesomely murdered! The chicks will love that! -- K. I'M A SENSITIVE GUY *AND* A HETEROSEXUAL! I'M THE PERFECT MAN! SO, BRING ON THE BROADS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: All together now! Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 06:50:46 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "yvette" (yvette@axion.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > [some stuff about not seeing enough girls] > > I'll delurk for long enough to inform you that you have at least one > female *lurker*, if not poster. Or do I now qualify as a poster? Anyway, > you folks intimidate me with your razor-sharp dialogue and hair-trigger > wit. I'm quivering in fear of being shredded. > > Going back under the blanket now. Hi, Yvette! Wait a second, your E-mail address has both an X and a Y! That makes you MALE! -- Kibo (my E-mail address is asexual, waah.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Attention morons. Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 04:43:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > On Beacon Street in Somerville, Massachusetts, near > the Star Market with the sorry produce section and a bar where the > particle physics guys used to hang out, there is a crosswalk with a > traffic light that exists entirely for pedestrians; the crossing signal is > the old fashioned "red+yellow means WALK" type that you don't see much any > more. There's a great big button there, of the sort that you'd expect to > turn on an emergency eyewash in a chemistry lab, and when you push it, a > mechanism inside goes CLUNKchugchugchugchugchugchugCLUNKchugchugchugCLUNK > and it actually makes the opposing traffic light go from blinking yellow > to solid yellow to solid red. It is the most profoundly satisfying > pedestrian crossing signal in the world. No it isn't. The most satisfying is at the intersection in front of the building. There's no button to push, but while you wait you get to see cars fall into this enormous sinkhole. > They may have torn it down by now. I sure hope so. The government wouldn't want you to enjoy crossing the street. You'd wear it out, and then real people who have cars wouldn't be able to drive on it! -- K. So I asked the guy at the Mall of America how to WALK west from the parking garage on FOOT, and he asked which floor I was parked on. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Attention morons. Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 04:52:02 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [re bozos who push the elevator button dozens of times] > > Kibo once described Web browsers as "fragile collections of bugs held > together with Hello Kitty stickers." Human minds are like that too-- > somewhat less fragile than Web browsers, but more buggy. Hey! I _was_ talking about human minds! I said "Web browsers", meaning people who are staring at their Netscape Explorer window! > The little ratiocinating guy in the Cartesian theater is not even > remotely in control of most of the things that go on in there, Please stop making fun of Tony Randall. He's got enough to worry about what with that guy in the stomach getting beat up my the fake Jim Carrey dressed as a Slim Jim. > and this is a good thing because he is too slow and demanding of resources > to be relied on for everything, which in turn is because organ meats and > meat by-products did not originally evolve to grind out Boolean truth tables. Please stop making fun of Slim Jims being bad at symbolic logic. That's not what they're for! They're for filling up the counter at 7-Eleven so that they won't ever have to refill the counter displays again! > Anyway... > > Suppose you are pressed for time and thinking about something else > anyway. You don't want to apply your logical reasoning engine to the > problem of whether to push the stupid button. There is a cost associated > with not pushing the little button when you should (at least if you > believe the button does anything at all-- maybe it doesn't!) but a much, > much smaller cost, almost nil, associated with pushing it unnecessarily. > So it may make sense to put into action a much stupider piece of brain > code that just pushes the button a lot. Of course, nobody would make this > decision *rationally*, since that would defeat the whole purpose. In > practice, it's just a behavior that is known to work; if it's not known to > be optimal, at least it doesn't matter much that it is not optimal. NON-BOZO: Pushes the elevator button once BOZO: Pushes the elevator button many times MATT McIRVIN: Spends twenty minutes writing a rationalization for why it's okay to be a bozo, in which he mocks Tony Randall, Rene Descartes, Slim Jims, and Bo Olean (inventor of artificial fat which can construct truth tables) -- K. I always liked Lewis Carroll's versions of Venn Diagrams that could also be used for Nine Men's Morris. Also, new from the makers of Slim Jims: NINE MEN'S MORRIS SUPER SUPPER! (Makes a great dip.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Showcase Showdown Optimal Strategy Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 05:10:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ted Frank (moe@Radix.Net) wrote: > > In "The Price Is Right," three players get up to two spins to get the > highest number without going over $1.00. The wheel has twenty equally > probable spots ranging in nickel increments from $0.05 to $1.00. If a > player's total is over $1.00, he or she is disqualified. If two players > tie, there's a tie-breaking round. > > Mathematically solvable problem: what's the lowest amount the first player > can get on the first spin before refusing to go for the second spin? > I.e., if someone gets $0.60 on the first spin, should they stand or try > to add to their total? Dear Ted, I know you're jealous of the fact that I got comped by a casino *neither* of us has ever spent a dime in, but there's no sense in trying to cheat at "The Price Is Right" with a hidden shoe computer just to prove that you have a bigger gambling problem that I do. Besides, you failed to factor in that there is an extra payout (a fixed amount) for scoring a total of exactly $1.00, so the strategy would have to depend on the value of the showcase prizes relative to the importance of going for the $10,000 bonus, and because we don't know the showcase value in advance (duh, the whole point of the show is that people are supposed to be bad at guessing the prize value) your problem is INSOLUBLE, just like the white stuff in Alka-Seltzer. Also, you can get two dollars off tickets to play the MGM Grand's "Wheel of Fortune, Live on Stage" if you ride their monorail. I suggest that if you get on stage, you use this line on Michael Burger: "Hey, Mike, you're so good, someone should give you a TV game show!" Then hold up a little blue card that says "WEE-WEE" and chuckle like Charles Nelson Reilly. Also ask him whether he spells his name "Burger" or "Berger" because I don't know. So, anyway, I apologize if I've been comped by more Las Vegas casinos than you, and for getting into "Wheel of Fortune, Live on Stage" while you're still working on "The Price Is Right". Also, I apologize for hosting "Card Sharks". -- K. For extra credit, compute the estimate return on your $20 "Wheel Live" ticket, given that the only cash prize is the super-awesome jackpot which nobody has ever been able to win because, hey, it's against the laws of probability. (For a room of 300 people, a 1/(20^3) chance of being picked and then winning $60,000 works out to an average two and a half cents return for twenty dollars. Of course those are only estimates, the actual return is as much as half a cent more. Plus I only paid $18 to get in because I'm smart.) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Quick TV-related question. Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 05:40:01 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com On my TV, the 1 A.M. rerun of the 11 P.M. local news just showed Big Bird conducting the Boston Pops, with a caption, "THIS PROGRAM WAS RECORDED EARLIER." When the hell else could it have been recorded? Mr. Pacheco, your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to write a novella set in a dystopian society in which all local television programs come from the future. -- K. Please destroy this tape in the usual manner, unlike Peter Graves who we don't trust to set fire to the tape on his own. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a sin Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 06:40:56 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > I would like any person who thinks I am dishonest to not read my articles. You're lying, you really want us to read 'em. -- K. It's weird that he has a name that's hard to make anagrams of even though it contains "s", "l", "i", "m", and "e". The only anagrams I can make out of him are about sexual perversions on "Star Trek". Kirk met Orc slut to Mr. kilt sucker tumor licks Trek cult toes Mr. Kirk Kirk lost rectum ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a sin Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 06:47:08 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > A lot of slimes are coming to these physics groups because of the slime. What about the slemons who are coming for the slemony new taste of Slimy Sprite? > ALT SCI PHYSICS NEW THEORIES IS A SEWER. So what's the rest of alt.*? > The devil and bad angels have attacked alt sci physics new theories and won > the war. THE DEVIL IS ALMOST AS BAD AS HITLER!!! -- K. I would like to hear more about your theory that slimy slimes are slimy. I always thought that slimy slimes were more like burlap. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: a sin Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:35:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Teg Pipes (teg@fruitfly.berkeley.edu) wrote: > > Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) writes: > > > > Oxford University has come across a slime mold that has 13 sexes. This is > > no ordinary slime. > > Boy. > > I hope they wipe it off. 13 sexes? Does this mean each slime mold can have sex with only 1/13 of the others, or with 12/13, or does it always have to involve thirteen of them? Is this going to turn into a Stanislaw Lem story about a little slime mold and its Mama, Papa, Gaga, Tata, Fafa, Lala, Wawa, Nana, Vava, Baba, Caca, and Zsa Zsa? And what about the 10% of slime molds which are gay? -- K. And then there are those perverted ones which dress up as okra... ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Need a title. Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 06:55:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I need a title for a column of political (mostly) rants. And "Mostly Rants" doesn't grab me as much as it should. "Kibo's Mostly Rants" is a bit better. And my title of choice ("Ranty, Ranty Kibo!") is already reserved for a different series of apolitical rants. The column that needs a name is to be pretty short, as opposed to "Ranty, Ranty Kibo!" which rambles. Can anyone suggest a good title? The person who suggests the best title will have the honor of seeing their idea stolen by me, Kibo. -- K. Come to think of it, I'll go with "Kibo's Mostly Rants". Never mind. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Need a title. Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:26:43 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Simon de Vet (sdevet@istar.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I need a title for a column of political (mostly) rants. > > "Rant-Like Typing Detected" Hey, that's pretty good. I'll have to work that in somehow. Like having it flash on-screen in 72-point red Arial Black letters every thirty seconds, superimposed across the middle of whatever you're trying to read. Especially if it's not something I wrote! -- K. I also call dibs on anything anyone else is going to suggest. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Need a title. Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 07:31:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > The person who suggests the best title will have the honor of > > seeing their idea stolen by me, Kibo. > > > > Come to think of it, I'll go with "Kibo's Mostly Rants". Never mind. > > Waaah! I was going to suggest that very thing! I got to see my idea stolen > by you before I even had the idea! > > So, how about Kibo's Mostly Pants, instead? Hmm, I could set it so that the right leg of the "R" is missing from the logo on every 1000th visit. I think I'll do that too. Also I think I'll do the other thing you're about to suggest, about the candy, the dolphin, and the red balloon. -- K. I came up with a nice-looking logo in my head but I can't get it out because Adobe Illustrator stopped working. Waah! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: San Francisco: Through the Eyes of a Pervert Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 07:10:52 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [...] > > Anyway, we found The Park, walked around its perimeter, found > low-quality porn abandoned by homeless people which led us to > start a movement to Porn The Homeless (the march on Washington is > in July: contact me for details), and then found the HORSIES! Wait, go back. Describe the concept of low-quality non-Internet porn. I thought "low-quality" porn was synonymous with the Internet. STOP SKIPPING THE BAD PORN! > There's a horsery of sorts in the middle of The Park, and all the > horse stalls have signs which read: > > WARNING: DO NOT COVER YOUR HAND IN CARROTS, > INSERT INTO HORSE'S MOUTH AND USE OTHER HAND > TO MOVE THE HORSES JAW UP AND DOWN, > CAUSING A 'BITING' SENSATION > > ...except for the one stall that had the sign reading "THIS HORSE > BITES", a sentiment with which, after brief examination of the > horse in question, we had to agree. At the back of the stables > there was a large painting on the wall of a beautiful horse, with > descriptions of the terminology professional trainers use to > describe the body parts of these wonderful creatures: I have > attempted to recreate the painting below. > > .--.-. > ( |\ `) <------ glue > (__/` ) ) > head ------> / e ( ) <------ glue > .' \ ) > \^ __/ ) ) .'"-. <------ glue > glue ---> \-__/\ ( )______ / `\ > | `-; | `\.-. ) <------ glue > glue ---> | \ / \ ) ) > | '--' | ( ( <------ poop comes out here > glue ---> | .-. .-. | `--` > |\ /\/ | | \/ /| <------ glue > |\ './ / /------\ \ _.'//| > \`';_/ / \\ \'_.'`/ > '. `-./_`"""""` ;\_.-' .' > '-._ `""""""` _.-' > `'-.........-'` > > > Truly, truly majestic animals. They make e's out of horse eyeballs? EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! Whoops, I mean, IIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! I just hope they don't also make I's out of eyes. Also, you forgot to label the tiny square part with the five holes punched through it and a white stucco castle-shaped drive-thru around it. > But despite their obvious use as an alternate form of > transportation, we decided to continue walking, lest we end up > covered in horse bites. Or covered in the poop that comes out from the tips of their tails. -- K. That horse looks round and stubby and plump and puffy. Is he inflatable, or just Japanese? (Hi, Xydexx!) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apology/Retraction Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 07:12:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote: > > To whom it may concern, > > On Friday, May 26, I made a post to this newsgroup that mentioned someone > shooting Janet Reno. Although I intended the post to be a joke, it was in > very poor taste. I do not advocate shooting Ms. Reno or anyone else and I > did not intend to threaten her in any way. The office of the Attorney > General is an important part of our nation's government, and Ms. Reno > deserves all the respect due her office. Shooting people is not something > to joke about. Law enforcement officials are required to take such > "jokes" at face value. I apologize for the misunderstanding, and will not > post threatening statements of any kind from this account again. > > Yours, > > Michael Straight Damn, and I missed the original article. If you were clever you'd have said "I hope nobody shoots Janet Reno!" and then the Feds would smash down your door and force you to post "I retract my statement about how I hope nobody shoots Janet Reno!" MS. RENO, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, I AM BEING WHOLLY FACETIOUS. THESE STATEMENTS ARE OBVIOUSLY ALLEGEDLY WHIMSICAL IN NATURE AND ARE PROBABLY THE PRODUCTS OF A DISORDERED MIND. ALSO THEY ARE OPINIONS AND NOT FACTS AND THEREFORE I AM LAWSUIT-PROOF. ALSO, WHY DON'T YOU GO PICK ON JAY LENO? -- K. Did they tell you to say "from THIS account" or did your lawyer find that loophole? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apology/Retraction Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 08:29:35 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > If you were clever you'd have said "I hope nobody shoots Janet Reno!" > > and then the Feds would smash down your door and force you to post > > "I retract my statement about how I hope nobody shoots Janet Reno!" > > This is not a death threat. It is a death "suggestion". > > Any death threats, real or imagined, are solely in the spirit of fun. Except if they're against Bob Hope. I wonder why no law-enforcement agencies contacted me in 1996 when I said that BOB HOPE COULD GET RUN OVER BY FRED FLINTSTONE'S CAR. Maybe they're waiting for it to come true. -- K. ...who isn't? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apology/Retraction Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:50:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dave (ratboy@gate.net) wrote: > > What's the official term for a really lame wackylace? > > Just wondering. The obvious answer: "A wackylame." An even more obvious answer: "A wackylace not by Kibo." -- K. "palimpsest with a capital limp"? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Apology/Retraction Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 08:41:20 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > To whom it may concern, > > On Tuesday, May 31, we reported here that Michael Straight had been > thoroughly questioned and found to have had no role whatsoever in > the shooting of Attorney General Janet Reno. > > This article should not have been run until June 5. We regret the error. You know, if she does have a heart attack or something between now and June 5 this is going to top what I did to Carl Sagan, Kurt Cobain, and a couple of celebrities nobody ever heard of. Mr. Straight, you should predict the imminent death of a different random celebrity every week and then when one happens to come true by accident, we can send a notarized copy of your article to every tabloid newspaper in the world and then you'll get rich writing a phony psychic advice column for a sleazy fake newspaper. I will truly envy you! This is a variant of an old scam where you send mail to 512 people saying: AT&T stock will go UP ...and to 512 people saying: AT&T stock will go DOWN Then, the next week, you cross 512 people off the list if they got the incorrect prediction, and send out 256 "General Electric will go UP" and 256 "General Electric will go DOWN". After a few weeks, you'll be able to send the 32 survivors notes saying "I have predicted the stock market without error for five consecutive weeks. This proves this is not a scam, so give me all your money." (Or you could send all 1024 people all five predictions at the same time, it's just more dramatic if you reveal one prophecy each week.) I don't know why E-mail spammers haven't tried this, it would be so much easier to do with an E-mail list than the old-fashioned way. Plus it would save on postage. So, let's each of us predict the imminent death of a different random celebrity. Eventually someone's got to get lucky and then they'll become insanely rich for being able to predict when movie stars will die. Just remember, I'VE GOT DIBS ON BOB HOPE! -- K. I'VE HAD DIBS ON BOB HOPE FOR FOUR YEARS! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Play Pez Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 07:36:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "pjh" (chiba@btinternet.com) wrote: > > Apparently there will soon be a new collectable card game released, all > about pez. > > I kid you not. I believe you have to fill up your dispenser to score > points, thus winning. That's the second dumbest idea ever, right behind motorized Pez dispensers that don't have a clown on the end. I think someone needs to come up with a "collectible" card game (translation: a game that requires you to buy lots of refills to have better odds at winning War) where the object is to come up with other stupid collectible card games to separate suckers from their money. "I counter your 'P.T. Barnum' with my 'Egress'!" -- K. Also, it should have a Ponzi scheme with a picture of Henry Winkler on the card. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Play Pez Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:47:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Doc Sigma" (doc@spacemoose.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote... > > > > "pjh" (chiba@btinternet.com) wrote: > > > > > > Apparently there will soon be a new collectable card game released, all > > > about pez. > > > > That's the second dumbest idea ever, right behind motorized Pez dispensers > > that don't have a clown on the end. > > The third dumbest idea ever being those new "ADULT!" Pez dispensers which > are cobalt blue, come with 5 rolls of *peppermint* Pez, and don't have a > clown on the end. They don't even come with one of those little > puzzle/maze/color-me things. > > And they're not even motorized. They're called "Pez Regulars", and the dispensers are designed to look vaguely like cigarette lighters. I think they want to compete with Altoids but without the oral-sex legend that Bill Clinton likes. They're actually a re-introduction of the original flavor of Pez. (Pez got its name from the first, middle, and last letters of the German word for peppermint, "PfeffErminZ".) This was before the factory switched over to producing Zyklon-B dispensers during the war. They had little Jerry Lewis clown heads on them. DIFFICULTY: 0.9 > This is sad. Really friggin' sad. Almost as sad as when McDonald's tried > to become all "adult" by featuring new "adult" sandwiches, which were > actually just existing sandwiches on a slightly different bun -- and what > better to complete the theme than commercials featuring Ronald dancing in > a night club? Here's the new horror: I went to Minnesota a month too early. They just introduced new lottery tickets with pictures of Spam on them. Really, the whole point of the scratcher tickets is that they're blue and look like cans of Spam. I bet this is something personally proposed by Governor Wrestler. I know they didn't have them there last month because I looked at all the tickets in the vending machine in the airport while waiting for my plane, and then I read a copy of the airport newsletter (airports always have 'em, they're wonderful reading) which had a photo captioned "No, this is not a funeral for light rail", and a full page of photos of the winner of the "Spot the supicious person" contest. To encourage good security through paranoia and tattling, an airport employee apparently skulks around in a trenchcoat and black-and-white striped shirt and driving gloves and domino mask holding a bowling ball with a sparkler sticking out of it, and if you find him before he blows up the airport they give you $20. So I immediately started loitering extra-hard while acting even more supicious than usual just to see if anyone would try to redeem me for twenty dollars. Unfortunately, nobody did. However, at the Boston airport, I once got questioned by a security guard because I was taking photos of the "MUSICAL FLOOR REMINDER SYSTEM" patent notice in the parking garage, clearly suspicious behavior. -- K. But it's not like I crashed a Ryder truck into the Boston Police Area D (Roxbury) Drug Enforcement Headquarters while being a theoretical physicist or anything. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Once... Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 07:45:29 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "SWT" (dumplechan@hotmail.com) wrote: > > "Schwa Love" (SCHWA242@hotmail.com) wrote in message > > > > So what collective nouns are used for Kibologists? > > An Allowance of Kibologists? I swear on a stack of Internet Bibles that the first time I read that, my brain wacky-parsed it as "What collective nuns are used for Kibologists?" and immediately had a mental image of a group of Borg-ified nuns attacking "Star Trek: Voyager" saying, "Resistance is futile. You will say five million Hail Marys." and they were all wearing corsets over their habits. I'm not sure whether they were gummikrankenschwesters or just regular evil hiveminded fetish nuns from outer space, because at that point the other side of my brain read that sentence a second time and figured it out. However, by then, the first half of my brain had pressed the "followup" key, so now I have to think of something to say. Um... I HAVE A 24-HOUR VIRUS AND SOON I'M GOING TO BE DELIRIOUS!!! -- K. Meanwhile, Ray Harryhausen is stop-motion-animating a gummikrakenschwester eating Harry Hamlin. Yay! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: We made Nick drink yogurt Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 08:01:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > [...stuff not about yogurt...] > > Our primitive ancestors believed many stupid things. For instance, it was > once believed that Mercury always keeps one face toward the sun. Now the > onward march of science tells us that it indeed does keep one face toward > the sun, but only in the fourth dimension. This invisible channel for > radiant heat is what keeps Mercury liquid even at room temperature, but > I would not advise handling it, since the accumulated sunlight can give > you skin cancer. Now there's a science fact you can use! > > A similar phenomenon keeps glass a liquid at room temperature, according > to science's foremost tour guides. It is commonly believed that glass is > a solid, but it is a little-known fact that actually it is a variety of > beverage, and is drunk with dinner in many cultures. But you still haven't addressed, disproved, or even codified through mockery my super-brilliant theory that the Earth has a second moon we can't see because it's over the exact opposite side of the Earth. Also, I am designing an inflatable Dyson sphere, but I don't know where I'm going to get enough buckyball gas to fill it up. Once I solve that, I'll move on to my next problem: Building the ultimate Dyson sphere, which will enclose the entire universe. -- K. I have also discovered Super Silly Strings and Silly Super Strings, one of which bursts into flame when used near little Billy's first birthday cake, the other of which costs a dollar per quintillion- pound spray can. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: We made Nick drink yogurt Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 03:59:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Louis Nick III (sunburn@seanet.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Also, I am designing an inflatable Dyson sphere, but I don't know where > > I'm going to get enough buckyball gas to fill it up. > > The hardest part, I think, will be the part where you have to manufacture it > seamlessly all the way around the sun, and support it until it becomes a > rigid structure. So you're saying that things which aren't spherical can't orbit? I say they can. They're just less efficient. Round things orbit in ellipses. Cubes orbit in rectangles. Hot-dog-shaped spaceships orbit in chalk-outline- of-a-rat shapes. > And then the rest of your unnatural life will become a ceaseless infinity of > puncture-repair. No, because I am going to pressurize the outside too. -- K. But the bees will be confined to the inside. In zero gravity, it's impossible for bees NOT to fly! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's Cheapest Food! Date: Wed, 31 May 2000 08:17:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > Andrew J. Zimolzak (zimolzak@msu.edu) wrote: > > > > There is no explicit pattern for the application of relish and onion. > > However, relish should typically leave no hot dog visible between > > individual relish pieces, whereas onion pieces should be farther apart > > than this. > > As I've stated before (once in '97 and again earlier this year) I worked at > a pickle factory one summer during college. Were you first assistant picklemaster, or just a junior assistant picklemaster? > Pretty decent money and the other summer employees working out in the > "tank farm" were also college students. This made the job pretty bearable. > That and the hour long cucumber fights at 1:30 in the morning, but that's > another story. "Hi, I'm Tony Robbins. I'm here to tell you the story of little Dean, a boy who worked in a pickle factory dreaming of being an astronaut. I sold him a copy of my book and today Dean flies the Space Shuttle from the safety of his swivel chair at NASA. Dean's vinegar-to-hypergolics story begins here... in Chapter One of my book. Please buy and read my book before watching the rest of this infomercial." Also, I hope you stopped the nightly picklefights when you were hired by NASA. Remember when I asked you what happens to the leftover maneuvering fuel when the shuttle lands? That's because I have a suspicion that certain pickles are marinated in rocket fuel. > Now it took me a while but I can eat relish once again. Not with the > reckless abandon that I exhibited back in my pre-pickle factory days, but > no medication or therapy is required to use the dreaded condiment. > However, based on what you may have read of my eating habits aforetimes on > this group, that may not be of much comfort to the average relish eating > public. > > But what is there about relish that makes it something to be wary of? What > evil lurks in the hearts of the relish jar? It's the onions that I'm scared of, after having the seventy-five-cent point-seventy-five-point hot dog in Las Vegas. The onions tasted like they were dehydrated rancid onions which had been turned back into regular rancid onions by soaking them in pond water frothy with volvox. They tasted like how I imagine licking the green fuzzy inside of an aquarium would. Don't get me started on the vile chili, the horrible, horrible weiner, or the inadequate bun. This is why I only get my hot dogs at Nathan's (Mmm! Crunchy!) or that place at South Station that has the bright red hot dogs with delicious Red Dye #2. Why doesn't White Castle have hot dogs? They could have little toothpicks through them so you could pick them up without tweezers. Also they'd be cooked by putting them under a magnifying glass near a fluorescent light. > It's still too painful to recall fully. In a couple more years it will > have been a full 15 years since I walked the rows of the tank farm and > maybe then I'll be able to look back on it without fear, without a > momentary shudder. For now, just know that at least one brand of relish > was not made from what one might consider top drawer vegetable matter. Tuong ot Sriracha. Now THAT'S a relish. Also if you put "Sriracha" on "Lenort" you might get a whole word out of it. -- K. You'll never get to go to the Moon with a name like "Lenort"! "Dean" is a great astronaut name (especially if you're the engineer on a ship powered by a Bumble Ball mechanism) but to really be an astronaut, you should change your name to one of these: Dean Rockwell Dean Erg Dean Railgun Dean Tektite Dean Impact ...then insert a nickname from this list: "Punchy" "Crom" "Randy" "Picklemaster" "Randy Picklemaster" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's Cheapest Food! Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 07:20:59 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [advice for Nick Bensema now that he's learning to cook for himself] Joe McMahon (mcmahon@titan.oit.unc.edu) wrote: > > A basic curry consists of frying one cinnamon stick, two cloves, and > three coriander seeds in oil, adding onions to your taste, cooking them to > limpness, adding whatever meat, fish, or seafood you prefer, then adding > cayenne and turmeric (as much cayenne as you prefer, and enough turmeric > to about cover your thumbnail). Chicken, beef, and pork get a little > fennel. Seafood and fish are better with a little powdered coriander. > Everything else from there is dependent on what you feel like that > particular day; just make sure the cayenne gets well-cooked -- you can > tell that when the harsh taste of the raw cayenne goes away, and it > changes color to a darker red. That's really it, as far as curry goes. A basic curry _properly_ consists of a block of S&B or House brand curry from the local Japanese grocery store (most Chinese grocery stores will have them too) which looks like a giant chocolate bar and feels somewhat greasy. You dissolve it in three-quarters of a gallon of boiling water and the super-concentrated water-soluble lard will make three-quarters of a gallon of creamy golden curry, to which you follow the recipe on the back of the box if you want to add the same amounts of meat and potatoes and carrots they do, or if you're like me you do something different like red lentils (udad dal), okra (the good kind, not the ten-foot-long Chinese kind), spinach, and eggplant (any color or shape.) Just remember to pick the gravel out of the red lentils first. Don't mess with curry powder, canned curry, or the pre-made curry in little foil pouches marked "RETORT POUCH". Get the blocks of the compressed brown lard. It's the lardiest! Japanese curry bricks are available in various flavors, including "Mild", "Medium", "Medium Hot", "Hot", and "Vermont", which includes cheese, peanut butter, and applesauce. There's also a "Java Curry" and various curries optimized for seafood. They also make non-curry sauces in brick form, such as "Hokkaido Cream Corn Stew", and a blueberry-flavored "Hashed Beef". Ground chicken and ground beef work particularly well. (Avoid buying ground veal at the supermarket unless you like the smell of cat urine -- ground veal turns to pure ammonia moments before it reaches a supermarket. Ground beef is best when used the same day you bought it, ground chicken will keep in the fridge for a whole week.) If you don't have any of the S&B or House curry to go with your ground or cubed beef or chicken, there's always Hamburger Helper. Or, if you have ground chicken but no other fun ingredients, just dump the chicken into a pot of boiling water and wait for it to turn into chicken soup with 500% more chicken flavor and 500% less salt than ordinary Campbell's chicken-water soup. Add crackers shaped like Hello Kitty for a real taste treat. "Mmm! Tastes teriffic, and I can pretend I'm eating Hello Kitty!" Hot & Sour Soup is also great fun to make, because you can add whatever you want without screwing it up, unless you bought the wrong brand of Hot & Sour Soup Mix. Ask me about my other fine recipes, like Canned Roast Beef Hash With Green Chili, Vegetable-Free Tacos, and Crunchy Ravioli. -- K. Gotta go, I think my bagel dog is almost shrunk down to a nub. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's Cheapest Food! Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 00:28:17 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com CURRY UPDATE! CURRY UPDATE! HURRY HURRY COME HEAR THE UPDATE ABOUT THE CURRY! A couple of days ago, I wrote advice to Nick Bensema: > > A basic curry _properly_ consists of a block of S&B or House brand curry > from the local Japanese grocery store (most Chinese grocery stores will > have them too) which looks like a giant chocolate bar and feels somewhat > greasy. You dissolve it in three-quarters of a gallon of boiling water > and the super-concentrated water-soluble lard will make three-quarters of > a gallon of creamy golden curry, to which you follow the recipe on the > back of the box if you want to add the same amounts of meat and potatoes > and carrots they do, or if you're like me you do something different > like red lentils (udad dal), okra (the good kind, not the ten-foot-long > Chinese kind), spinach, and eggplant (any color or shape.) Just remember > to pick the gravel out of the red lentils first. Important correction: red lentils are massoor dal. udad dal are chick peas, aka ceci, aka garbanzos. I don't think they're as good in curry because they have too much Lumpy Bean Texture, unless you get split ones (which mush up like split peas) or the canned wet kind which are already nice and soft (and have the skin peeling off.) Green peas are also great in curry. > Don't mess with curry powder, canned curry, or the pre-made curry in little > foil pouches marked "RETORT POUCH". Get the blocks of the compressed brown > lard. It's the lardiest! Japanese curry bricks are available in various > flavors, including "Mild", "Medium", "Medium Hot", "Hot", and "Vermont", > which includes cheese, peanut butter, and applesauce. There's also a > "Java Curry" and various curries optimized for seafood. They also make > non-curry sauces in brick form, such as "Hokkaido Cream Corn Stew", and a > blueberry-flavored "Hashed Beef". Today I encountered some new sorts of curry bricks. I bought a "Roasted Curry Sauce" today, which could be interesting. By the way, the good curry bricks are in boxes proportioned like giant chocolate bars, and the lamer pre-mixed single-serving curry (with carrots and potatoes already added) is in the boxes which are almost square. Beware the curries which contain gouda cheese! > Ground chicken and ground beef work particularly well. (Avoid buying > ground veal at the supermarket unless you like the smell of cat urine -- > ground veal turns to pure ammonia moments before it reaches a supermarket. > Ground beef is best when used the same day you bought it, ground chicken > will keep in the fridge for a whole week.) This will of course present a problem if you buy one of the boxed sauces for "Stew de Veau". Then you _have_ to buy veal because the box says "Veal" in French in Japanese letters. So if you don't make your curry smell like cat urine you'll go to jail, where I promise you they won't have good curry. > If you don't have any of the S&B or House curry to go with your ground > or cubed beef or chicken, there's always Hamburger Helper. Not to be confused with a Japanese product named "Hamburg Helper". Many Americans who have never had Hamburger Helper seem to believe it is some sort of powder that just pads out the ground beef. Nothing could be further from the truth (except for a box of live bees) because Hamburger Helper consists of a box of noodles, rice, or potatoes, plus a pouch of dried carrots and gravy mix. You can get it in about a dozen varieties, six of which are different shapes of noodles with identical tomato-garlic sauce (for making tiny lasagna or empty ravioli in ground meat sauce.) My favorite is the Beef Stew flavor. Least favorite: Beefy Noodle. EW, BEEFY! However, the Japanese "Hamburg Helper" _is_ what clueless people think Hamburger Helper is. It's a mixture of bread crumbs, soy flour, soy crumbs, bread flour, and sawdust which when added to hamburger makes puffier hamburger. I've seen it in regular and teriyaki flavor, in case you like the option of having sugared hamburgers. (Also note that as other correspondents have pointed out, a hamburger in Japan is usually served without a bun or other fun stuff. So this is presumably why they have to mix bread crumbs in with it, because you need squishy bread in your diet along with the meat.) And, on closer inspection, I just noticed that my box of Japanese hamburger texturizer is officially named HAMBURGER HELPER "HAMBURG HELPER" ...complete with quote marks around one of its two names to indicate that it's just a wacky nickname only used by its close friends. Also, it costs _more_ than the hamburger you have to add! It better be good. Today's other curry-related surprises from the Japanese grocery store: I have two pouches of ready-to-eat curry (the kind with the carrots and potatoes) which are... are... POKMON CURRY! That's right, delicious curried Pikachu. Why did you think he was bright yellow? It's because he's been soaked in tumeric! It also explains why lightning bolts come out of his butt. It should come as no surprise that there are many kinds of Japanese curry made specifically for kids. Because in Japan everything has a kids' version. In the US, we have canned spaghetti for kids and for grownups (kids need it to have no chunks of tomatos, almost no garlic, absolutely no spice, and tons of sugar) as well as various other kid-specific food products. So you can imagine all the different sorts of Curry Jr. that they sell in Japan. They tend to be a little sweeter and less spicy, and sold in smaller, more expensive quantities with Pikachu or Anpanman or Hello Kitty on the box. The two flavors of Pokmon Curry I have are unusual in that they contain corn as well as carrots and potatos. (The Japanese like to add corn to random things, such as mayonnaise-covered pizzas. Unlike the French, who will not eat corn because horses like it.) The one in the red box allegedly has chunks of beef in it (sometimes curry-in-a-pouch does have some meat in it -- and remember that Korean curried-hamburger-patty-in-a-pouch I suffered through a while ago?) but the one in the green box looks more interesting. It doesn't show any chunks of meat in the photo, but the ingredients mention "sausage". Yay! They ground up Pikachu before cooking him! I promise detailed reports on these and various other recent acquisitions to my food collection at some point in the future. At the moment, I have some Indian soups in the oven -- a Gujarati red lentil soup (very spicy) and a Bengali eggplant mush (slightly less spicy.) Those are the two Deep brand Indian frozen entrees which cost $2 instead of $4, because they're the ones with the fewest lumps. (Lumps mean it's got stuff in it! Note that "chunky style" salsa costs more than less-chunky salsa, even though it's _less_ work for them to not chop up the tomatos as much.) -- K. Pikachu, Anpanman, and Hello Kitty also show up on other traditional Japanese grocery items, such as the mixture of dried seaweed and fish flakes you're supposed to sprinkle on stuff that doesn't taste Japanese enough. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's Cheapest Food! Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 23:44:25 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Here's an update on the Pokmon Curry: The red box (showing chunks of beef in its photo) claimed to have beef in it, while the green box (with no meat in its photo) claimed to be sausage curry. One needs to be aware that the photos on Asian products are usually much less realistic than the ones on American products -- neither curry had bits of meat large enough to pick up without tweezers. One had tiny dots of beef, the other had tiny dots of what was probably sausage (although the question is whether a single particle of anything can be considered "sausage".) The curries were (as expected) sweet and mild, and weren't bad, although they were rather runny (you'd have to pour them over rice.) There were quite a few corn kernels in each, and a couple of small pieces of carrot and potato, and the little bits of meat. The serving size was small, suitable for a light snack of mild curry. Each box included one super-size pog, or perhaps they were circular trading cards suitable for use as Frisbees. -- K. I can't understand how bonito powder, nori, and laver were omitted from these Japanese convenience foods. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's Cheapest Food! Date: Mon, 5 Jun 2000 02:52:52 GMT X-Complaints-To: Bob Hope Organization: http://www.kibo.com Beable van Polasm (beable@my-deja.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Here's an update on the Pokmon Curry: > > > > The curries were (as expected) sweet and mild, and weren't bad, > > although they were rather runny (you'd have to pour them over rice.) > > Oh you silly barbarian! You don't POUR CURRY OVER RICE! > Curry Rice is served on a plate with half curry, half > rice. They are allowed to touch along the centre line, > BUT YOU CAN'T POUR THE CURRY OVER THE RICE! NOT ALLOWED! > You are also NOT ALLOWED to mix the curry and the rice > together while eating it, unless you're a little kid > (or possibly a barbarian). Well, that was the way it was shown on the packages. Along with a cherry tomato (with green stuff still attached) and half of a hard-boiled egg white with an entire yolk jammed into it. > Also, a delicious curry meal can be made by using > "Patak's Vindaloo Paste" in a jar. Simply follow > the directions on the side of the jar, substituting > "beef" for "prawns". You can add some chillis as > well if you want it hotter, because IT'S ONLY VINDALOO! > When I open a jar of that stuff and smell the vindaloo > paste, I start drooling like one of Skinner's dogs, let > me tell you. This stuff is THE BEST! You do realize that Patak's is made by Hormel, right? I am not making this up. -- K. They even admit it openly in their annual report. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: World's Cheapest Food! Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 01:24:04 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Ranjit Bhatnagar (ranjit@moonmilk.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Important correction: red lentils are massoor dal. udad dal are > > chick peas, aka ceci, aka garbanzos. > > NOT! Oh. Well, then, why didn't you correct me BEFORE I corrected myself? Also, please post the names of every type of bean there is, in every Indian language. And tell me why 90% of the stuff in Indian grocery stores feels that a complete breakdown is "Ingredients: Masala. The End." And why there are no warning labels on the asafetida. > p.s. I miss the "Helping Hand" who used to shill for Hamburger Helper. Yeah, especially since it probably caused lots of people to try to make Hamburger Helper by stirring it with their hands, and suffering exquisite, dried-onion-flavor pain. Also, why did the hand always wear a clown glove? Were they saying that Hamburger Helper is a food product made by clowns? -- K. BETTY CROCKER. FOOD MADE BY CLOWNS, FOR CLOWNS! FOOD SO GOOD YOU'LL EAT 'TIL YOU BARF! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Waah! They fixed my sinkhole! Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 04:33:42 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com It now has a rectangular area of extra-dark asphalt covering it. And the orange barrel with the blinky light is gone. The weenies fixed my beautiful sinkhole just a month and a half after it opened up! I'm tempted to go out and rent a jackhammer at Home Depot so I can fix it and go back to waiting for cars to disappear into it. -- K. I wonder if they paved right over all the garbage people threw in. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Horrible ad I hate, scares me, bad, scary. Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 08:02:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Joe Manfre (manfre@flash.net) wrote: > > Here's a commercial I heard today while listening to my > favorite local cheesy radio station, written down as > close to verbatim as I can remember it: > > Everybody's talking about it. What they're going > to wear, who they're going to talk to ... and who > they're *not* going to talk to. It's the social > event of the ninth grade. Unfortunately, nobody > has invited the little apple of *your* eye yet. > You'd make sure she had a date to every event if > you could, and you make sure her chicken is free > of hormones and steroids because you can..... > > That's right! It was a commercial for the agribusiness > giant Tyson Foods about how healthy and au naturel^W^W > all-natural its chicken is! That's fine, but the > way it starts out as a poignant vignette (if I may be > permitted to use to "gn" words in a row), and then > suddenly takes a turn for the weird, has left me in > pain ever since. > > Oh, yeah, and it ended with something like "...and is > that a ringing phone you hear?" Followed by "HEY, THIS IS THE POLICE, OPEN UP, THIS IS A DRUG BUST!" and then your radio showed a still picture of Andy Kaufman jittering up and down until you got off the couch to fix it and then the still picture laughed at you, and then Albert Einstein said "Choosing a cranberry juice is confoozink!" and then couldn't decide between Coke and Pepsi and then founded Dow Chemical, but then he couldn't get into Princeton because he didn't get the right brand of SAT cramming, so he had to get married in the 1950s, and from then on he was only allowed to cross the street while holding the hand of a policeman who also required him to use Microsoft Bob. And then his daughter complained that he shot up the AOL again and he had to go to jail so she had to eat Brand X chicken at the Home For Wayward Orphans, and it was full of steroids, and she turned into Joe Piscopo and was never seen again. Then Andy Kaufman morphed into Andy Dick who had blood smeared all over his face when he yelled, "MMM, BEEFY!" -- K. Oh, and an announcer shouted something about how they were on "AN UNDERWATER SUPERTRAIN!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: This post talks about talking about the word "ass". Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 03:32:09 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Two years ago it was scary plastic Christmas trees with eyes and mouths which sang creepy songs whenever someone walked past their photocell. Ten years ago it was Coke cans which gyrated to '80s music whenever they heard noise which triggered their high-tech mechanism consisting of a revolving bent wire. This year's dumb tacky battery-powered novelty is the plastic fish mounted on a plaque, which starts wiggling stiffly whenever anyone walks past. Several manufacturers are producing these. Well, there is one named "Boogie Bass" which is being advertised constantly on TV. Boogie Bass sings several wacky, ribald song parodies -- that is, songs with "funny" lyrics substituted for the real ones, the height of wit. For instance, in place of "Pretty woman, walking down the street..." it sings "Pretty fishy, what a lovely bass..." IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THE WORD "BASS" CONTAINS THE WORD "ASS"! HAW HAW! So, you can buy one of these for your home if you would like a mechanical fish to yell "ASS!" at random times. In case you're completely sessile and can't activate the motion-sensing fish, you can also trigger it by pushing a button. (Presumably with your telekinetic powers.) And, amazingly, they also throw in a CD of all the songs the fish sings, as well as some extra songs that wouldn't fit in the fish! WOW! I CAN LISTEN TO REJECTED FISH-SAYING-"ASS" SONGS IN MY CAR ALL DAY! I suggest running over to your local toy store and buying one of the many sorts of mechanical wacky fish plaques, and then altering it so that it yells "THIS IS A STUPID WASTE OF MONEY! IF YOU BOUGHT IT, YOU'RE STUPID! ASS!" and then slip it back into the store. -- K. Or just stuff it full of real fish guts and give it to a friend you don't like. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Store I saw today. Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 03:33:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com In Lynn, Massachusetts, there is a store named: GROSS FLOOR COVERINGS Wow! I had always wondered where I could buy several hundred square feet of rubber vomit! -- K. Shag vomit costs extra. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: New catchphrase discovered and hereby propagated. Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 03:38:30 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I saw A TV commercial showing kids having fun with squirt guns. Then they flashed a disclaimer, "Substantial pumping required." I hereby declare this article to be the Original Meme Injection of "Substantial pumping required." in alt.religion.kibology. Go to town with it! -- K. So much memes it is all over you screen! You won't they're there! We will not allow yourselves to be bludgeoned! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: New catchphrase discovered and hereby propagated. Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 03:17:32 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Peter Willard (petew@drizzle.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > I hereby declare this article to be the Original Meme Injection of > > "Substantial pumping required." in alt.religion.kibology. > > Of course, this is just the well-known Roman slogan, abbreviated "SPQR". Or, as the ancient Roman equivalent of BIFF would have written it on his primitive Roman teletype: ##### # ######### ###### ######### # ## ## ## ## ### ## ## ## ## # ## ### ## # ###### ####### ## ## ####### ## ## ### ## ## ## ## # ## ### ## ## ### # ##### ###### ###### ###### #### # #### ### ######## ####### ####################### -- K. Fred Goudy would have done exactly the same except the Q would have a zigzag tail. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hammond is a Psychotic Moron Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 03:48:00 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.george.hammond.is.a.bozo Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote -- and I swear he chose the Subject: line himself: > > Subject: Hammond is a Psychotic Moron > > Most losers learn a little when they are about 16 it is time to stop trying > to make fun of people. They keep doing it but not a lot. > > I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW OLD THESE LOSERS ARE. > > LOSERS TELL PEOPLE HOW OLD YOU ARE. YOU PROBABLY WILL NOT BECAUSE YOU KNOW > WHAT YOU WILL LOOK LIKE. Yeah! Everyone knows that only people under 18 or over 65 can be losers! Those of us who are in our thirties aren't allowed to be losers! WAAH! I DEMAND MY RIGHT TO BE CALLED A LOSER! Kurt, please call me a loser or I will never speak to you again. -- K. Writing Internet postings is another matter. "That's not speaking, that's typing!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Kibo is or is not a loser Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 04:59:34 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "yvette" (whose E-mail address is a big secret) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > WAAH! I DEMAND MY RIGHT TO BE CALLED A LOSER! > > > > Kurt, please call me a loser or I will never speak to you again. > > I'm not sure I have read anything by or about you that would indicate > loserhood. You must be one of those "newbies" I keep hearing about. > I am led to believe, though, that you have a substantial amount of free time. I don't have _any_ free time! Because _of_ alt.religion.kibology! -- K. I wonder what Kirk Cameron is doing right this minute. Probably nothing. Whereas, I am thinking about Kirk Cameron! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hammond is a Psychotic Moron Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 03:45:39 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Schwa Love" (SCHWA242@hotmail.com) wrote: > > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > Most losers learn a little when they are about 16 it is time to stop > > trying to make fun of people. > > It's true! I remember that in high school! We all had to sit in the > cafeteria and watch the video sponsored by CocaCola and Jostens that > had flashy graphics swimming across the screen and a bunch of vibrant > fun-loving teenagers going around, er, loving fun and stuff and then > Janeane Garafolo or Pearl Jam or Bart Simpson showed up on the screen > drinking a Coke and yelled, "You are now 16! It is now time to stop > trying to make fun of people. LOSERS!" We had a videotape of the cast of "Happy Days" performing a very special episode where they all made fun of the new guy in town because he was a loser. Then Fonzie gave them a big speech, "Only nerds make fun o' losers! Makin' fun o' people ain't cool! Making OUT w' people is cool!" and then everyone went back to making fun of how pathetic Potsie was, and how square Richie was, and how fat Mr. C was, and how big Al's nose was. > > They keep doing it but not a lot. > > > > I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW OLD THESE LOSERS ARE. > > > > LOSERS TELL PEOPLE HOW OLD YOU ARE. > > > > YOU PROBABLY WILL NOT BECAUSE YOU KNOW > > WHAT YOU WILL LOOK LIKE. > > If I tell you how old I am I will get a mirror and see my horrid horrid > face! Waaaah! Why did mom have to remove my pimples with a waffle iron? And then she made you eat the waffles! It was the worst episode of "Happy Days" ever! The Very Special Episode where Mrs. C had to go to the fifties mental asylum! But in Part Two, she got a lobotomy and was normal again. And then Mork From Ork came on the show and made fun of everyone, because only an outsider could have the distance to see that they were all LOSERS! -- K. Dear Kurt Stocklmeir, So, why have you started picking on George Hammond? I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy other than the crazy stuff and the spam stuff. Why don't you stop picking on George Hammond and make fun of someone who deserves it even more, like Kurt Stocklmeir? P.S. Trbetr jvyy abj erfcbaq gb guvf jvgu n ovt erpgnathyne oybpx bs "ununununun.......unununununun." Gbb onq "Fzneg1234" vfa'g vaibyirq be ur pbhyq nqq "unununun.... . unun." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.new-theories From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Hammond is a Psychotic Moron Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 01:29:40 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium "Simon Clark 2000" (clarksj@my-deja.com) wrote: > > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > I would like to know what the parents of Steve Eaton, EL Hemetis, Slavek, > > Paul and PA Carr think of their kids. > > > > It is not good to have kids that are bad people. > > Only people without parents are allowed to be bad. Well, that explains Original Sin. Adam and Eve were bad because they didn't have parents to bring them up right. And we all inherited a little of their sin because Adam was stupid enough to put it in his will! Also, Adam and Eve didn't have belly buttons, so their T-shirt lint didn't have any place to go. -- K. I believe in spontaneous germination, but only of robots. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: BOB HOPE DEAD AT LAST Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 04:21:11 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com ...is an inappropriate "Subject:" header for this article, which consists of quotes from a wire-service article about Bob Hope being not dead today. > Subject: Bob Hope in stable condition in Calif. hospital > Date: Thu, 1 Jun 2000 17:50:08 PDT > > LOS ANGELES, June 1 (UPI) - Venerable entertainer Bob Hope is > resting comfortably after being admitted to a Southern California hospital > with abdominal pain. > A spokesman for Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho Mirage > said late Thursday that Hope's condition had "stabilized," and that > he was "comfortable." Also that "he looks like he's sleeping." > The exact nature of Hope's physical distress was not > immediately known. > Hope, who turned 97 on May 29, was taken to the Desert > Regional Medical Center in Palm Springs early in the day after he awoke > with pain in his lower abdominal area; the quadrant -- left or right -- > was not released. RELEASE BOB HOPE'S QUADRANT! WE WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT BOB HOPE'S ELDERLY INTESTINES! ALSO WE WANT TO KNOW WHY THEY'RE "QUADRANTS" IF THERE ARE ONLY TWO OF THEM! > Hope was then transferred by ambulance to Eisenhower, which is > coincidentally located on Bob Hope Drive in neighboring Rancho Mirage. I think Bob Hope could singlehandedly keep an entire hospital in business. > Hope's wife of 63 years, Dolores, was at his side along with > their daughter, Linda. > Los Angeles television station KNBC said the Hopes had > returned to Palm Springs Tuesday from a 2-week visit to the East Coast > where he took part in the opening of the Bob Hope Gallery of American > Entertainment at the Library of Congress in Washington. (He cut the ribbon with his fingernails.) -- K. I still miss that nice North End Italian restaurant run by his personal chef. Although, I suppose if it were still open, the menu would now consist entirely of intravenous dinners. "Mmm, intravenous veal!" ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: The return of Wacky Hitler! Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 04:38:27 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com The Associated Press reported: > > Subject: German TV Plans Nazi Comedy > > STUTTGART, Germany (AP) -- A German television station is filming > a movie of a kind never before attempted here: a comedy about the > Holocaust. > In the film still under production, a Jew named Harry Geduldig > manages to infiltrate the Nazi party and take the place of > Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels in order to free the woman he > loves. > At the climax of the movie, under the working title ``Goebbels > and Geduldig,'' the character ends up in Adolf Hitler's southern > mountain retreat with Goebbels' wife, Magda. > ``I think such a subject also has to be possible today,'' said > lead actor Ulrich Muehe. ``It's already been done abroad.'' Yeah, it just might be possible today, given that it was done perfectly by Ernst Lubitsch _before_ World War II ended. ("To Be Or Not To Be", 1942.) This is one of the most brilliant poltical satires/farces ever made, ranking right up there with "Dr. Strangelove". The 1942 version starred Jack Benny. (There was a bad Mel Brooks remake.) The good one from almost _sixty_ years ago also starred Robert Stack. However, Jack Benny steals every scene he's in, even the ones where he's not playing Jack Benny Hitler. I highly recommend renting it and then thinking about the relative quality of movies made for TV. Especially German TV. Now, movies made for TV are always bad. And a wacky movie about Hitler made for TV, well, I'm sure it will be almost as good as "Hogan's Heroes". On the other hand, I think it'll probably be better than "The Day The Clown Cried" (an unreleased film starring Jerry Lewis as a wacky Jewish clown who leads children into the gas chambers, and gets into boxing matches) but because that movie was never completed, I can confidently restate my main assertion: WACKY TV-MOVIES ABOUT HITLER ARE ALWAYS WORSE THAN WACKY REAL MOVIES ABOUT HITLER BECAUSE TV-MOVIES ARE ALWAYS BAD. TV-MOVIES ARE MADE FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE, BY PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE. > To prepare for his role as Goebbels, Muehe said he listened to > original speeches, playing them on the set just before filming > scenes. > The film is to be shown sometime in the fall of 2001 on > Germany's Suedwestrundfunk public station. The big question is, will it be funnier than Martin Landau as Hitler on "Mission: Impossible", or at least funnier than Curt Conway (Martin Landau's acting coach) as Hitler on "The Twilight Zone"? (In "The Twilight Zone Companion", Marc Scott Zicree points out that making Curt Conway act all his scenes in front of a giant photo of the real Hitler's face was probably a bad idea. Curt Conway looked more like Oliver Hardy. As opposed to Landau's Hitler, who looked like Martin Landau with a different comb-over.) -- K. I never found out if Rupert Murdoch's Hitler sitcom for BSB made it past the first episode. And whatever they do with this Hitleriffic new comedy, they better not work Einstein into it or I'll sue them for ripping off MY HITLER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The return of Wacky Hitler! Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 00:51:23 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com "Tlerll" (tlerll@earthlink.net) wrote: > > > STUTTGART, Germany (AP) -- A German television station is filming > > a movie of a kind never before attempted here: a comedy about the > > Holocaust. > > In the film still under production, a Jew named Harry Geduldig > > manages to infiltrate the Nazi party and take the place of > > Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels in order to free the woman he loves. > > This plot is going to involve swastikas, no two ways about it. The problem is, > swastikas are illegal in modern Germany. Ah, so, in their wisdom, they not only outlawed the Nazi party, they outlawed any photographs or depictions of their symbol? Do all the school history books show photos of Hitler with a little black rectangle covering his armband? And Leni Riefenstahl's films now show thousands of people marching down the street sauliting a big black rectangle? You know, if Hitler had been really smart, he would have had a swastika-shaped mustache! And he would have registered the trademark on the swastika so that no other pinheads would ever use it for anything! > So how the hell are they going to do this? Are they going to put an "H" for > Hakenkreuz in the white circle on the red background? Or are they going > to have nothing at all? Or a black dot? Or a square with a + inside it so it > looks vaguely like a swastika but with lines connecting the ends? Or maybe > put red cloth around their arms and blot it out with those blocky pixel > thingies so people think they have swastikas but they dont? Or be really > bad evil historically inaccurate people and have no flags or armbands at all? Or they could make up one of those wacky things that looks almost like a swastika, like they use on bad science fiction shows that have learned from "Star Wars" that modelling the evil space aliens on Nazis saves trying to come up with any story points about why we should hate them, but think the viewers are so clueless that they won't be able to spot the alien swastikas unless they look like ######### # # # ##### # ###### # # # ######### (as seen on "V") My solution would be just to hire some American thirteen-year-old social outcasts to draw the same things they've been drawing in the backs of their English notebooks, namely ######## # # ####################### # # # # # # # # # # # # ######## -- K. The big question is, would a Hakkencruez still keep away Dracula, or do Christian icons lose all their super powers when you add extra bits? If so, then how do Greek Orthodox priests keep away Dracula? I know that Orthodox crosses with the extra cross-bar have super powers because I just saw Martin Landau escape certain death inside a sarcophagus by using one as a jack to lift off the lid, and he wouldn't have been able to use a single-bar cross as a twist-to-operate screw jack. God bless "Mission: Impossible" for teaching me why Orthodox Christianity makes life more exciting than Regular Christianity. And also for teaching me about how real ghosts control swarms of bees that look like beaded curtains, and how Peter Graves can build a working immortality chamber at the drop of a hat. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: The return of Wacky Hitler! Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 04:54:19 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com [...I just wrote an article about Wacky Hitler appearances on TV...] I forgot to mention the "Time Tunnel" episode where Michael Ansara, covered from head to toe in silver greasepaint (because he's photosynthetic, and apparently chlorophyll is sparkly on his home planet) plays an alien who sends his Official Time Traveller ("OTT"), wearing a dime-store space helmet with a large hole cut in the front so he can breathe, to kidnap the most important people from Earth's past moment before they died, and Robert Colbert and James Darren pull back a sheet from a gurney to reveal the face of -- HITLER! -- and the soundtrack goes "BOING!" to add to the drama. And then there was the unproduced episode of the original "Star Trek" titled "Tomorrow The Universe", where Kirk goes to an alien planet and meets Hitler. Well, actually, it's one of those studio backlot planets where they have chosen to mold their entire society around a particular Earth society, and their leader has been given plastic surgery to look exactly like Hitler, because you can't have a Nazi regime if your Hitler looks too handsome. Kirk then tricks Alien Hitler into thinking that the Enterprise is a good Nazi ship by ordering Scotty to paint a giant swastika across the hull, and the script described a scene where Hitler looks into a telescope and sees the Nazi Enterprise cruising around. I don't know offhand whether this was written before the Alien Nazi episode they actually filmed (and rejected and rewritten to be less goofadelic) or whether it was written afterwards (in preparation for the fourth season, when they were getting really desperate for ideas. Did you know that Captain Koloth was supposed to be in _several_ episodes of the fourth season?) Please post other TV sightings of Wacky Hitler and/or Space Hitler, and no, you can't count all the bad guys costumed to look like Nazis in "Star Wars" or the fact that the evil grunts in "Star Wars" are called "sotrm troopers" or the "Triumph Of The Will"-inspired victory rally the alleged good guys hold at the end, because none of those really references Hitler, even though both the bad guys and the heroes in "Star Wars" are all modelled on Nazis. You _can_ count the guy who looked like Hitler on "Murphy Brown", because even though it was clearly stated that he was not meant to be an actual Hitler, Murphy pointed out that he looked exactly like Hitler. And then there was the "Seinfeld" where Mr. Pitt turned into Hitler. (Whereas, for "The Special Show!", I plan to have Mr. Pibb to turn into Hitler. "Don't drink that, it's Hitler!") -- K. You know, whenever Hitler drops by on Conan O'Brien's show, he looks much more like Hitler than Curt Conway did. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Non-sensical signs Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 22:01:30 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Chris Dual Lansdell wrote: > > Walking through the poor excuse for a local mall (Wal Mart, and > one gaming store that carries 3 games. Joy), I see a sign saying > "Ears pierced while you wait!". Uh huh. Well there's a relief. > Saves me removing them at the door right? That would be a good practical joke, though -- have your ears surgically removed, then attach fake ears with double-sided tape. Then let the piercer accidentally pull one off while you start screaming about a lawsuit. It would be even funnier if you looked like Leonard Nimoy. "Waah! You ruined my career! It's your fault there will never be any more Star Trek!" -- K. The one I've always wanted to do is to have a fake rubber foot filled with blood, so when the shoe-store guy clamps it into the foot-measuring vice it'll squirt all over the place. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: slime slime slime slime slime slime slime slime slime Date: Fri, 2 Jun 2000 22:06:08 GMT Organization: welcome datacomp Greg Neill (gneill@netcom.ca) wrote: > > Kurt Stocklmeir (kurtstocklmeir@worldnet.att.net) wrote: > > > > Greg Neill you are weird slime. God is with me. God is against you. It > > is good that you will burn in hell. > > I suggest that we form the Weird Slime Club. In order to become a > member, one must be proclaimed to be "weird slime" directly by His > Exultant Magnificence, Grand Pubah Kurt. I'm not exactly sure what > the raison d'tre of this club should be, but the by-laws should > say something about oral hygiene for women. Ooh! Ooh! Can I be President For Life of the Weird Slime Club? Or should we ask Kurt to choose one? -- K. P.S. Kurt, before you choose, I think you should know that you're dumber than a peeled volvox. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Bob Hope 'not on his deathbed' Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 07:02:15 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com I swear that UPI picked this headline themselves. > > Subject: Bob Hope 'not on his deathbed' > > RANCHO MIRAGE, Calif., June 2 (UPI) -- The doctor who is > treating Bob Hope for gastrointestinal bleeding says the legendary > entertainer is "not on his deathbed." They should have strapped him down better! > At a Friday afternoon briefing on Hope's health, Dr. Gary > Annunziata told reporters at the Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho > Mirage that he "would still classify him as critical," but the doctor > said "that will probably change tonight or early tomorrow morning." > In response to a question, Dr. Annunziata said, "I can say > that he's not on his deathbed, and he's in stable condition and showing > improvement -- within the realm of a 97-year-old who's been through what > he's been through." In related news, I'm recovering from a minor cold. > Annunziata also said that Hope's wife, Dolores, "wants > everyone to know that -- that he's not going anywhere right now." > The doctor said there was no indication Friday of any > deterioration of Hope's condition, but there were several signs of > progress. > "When you talk to him," said Annunziata, "he smiles and > squeezes your hand." He also reported that Hope is responding to > commands. CRUSH THE HUMANS, IMMORTAL ROBOTIC BOB HOPE! > Hope -- who turned 97 on Monday -- received some blood > transfusions on Thursday, which is standard treatment for internal > bleeding. Dr. Annunziata said there are no plans to administer any more > transfusions because "there's no ongoing bleeding and he's very stable." > He said that, in accordance with the wishes of Hope's family, > he will not receive any visitors. At least this article doesn't say, as CNN Headline News did, that he is "expected to make a full recovery." Which I guess means that he'll suddenly sit up and yell, "Wow! I'm no longer blind, deaf, frail, and senile! And I don't have lingering aftereffects from being dropped on my head in Iceland forty years ago!" -- K. Also in the news, they announced that castrated men live 13 years longer. Bob Hope is scheduled for the operation tomorrow. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Start Condition with the Option to Abort Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 08:00:22 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theoriesm, sci.physics.relativity, alt.math, and sci.math, "BEN BulleT.in" (el_felino_negro@my-deja.com) wrote: > > (I'm psychic with security cameras, ergo, I'm psychic with Stephan > Hawkings. (If you knew that Stephan Hawkins was cured from before, > what premise did you have for making my psychic with him again?)) Maybe while you're being psychic with him you can ask him which of those two misspellings of his name he likes best. > Some of you may not know this but topology is supposed to be the most > elite branch of higher mathmatics. I feel that I have a lot in common > with topology except... real topologists build nuclear bombs yeah, but they got holes in 'em. > and are probably experts in static control and critical mass... > I don't know, my best guess is that they take a lump of the stuff > and cover it with microprocessors to keep it from exploding. > Nuclear physics, for some mysterious reason, is in love with capacitors > and spinning tops because... I guess because there are three parts to it: > > 1) Spinning top on one side. > 2) Whatever is in the middle. > 3) Spinning top on the other side. Don't forget the blueberry topping in the middle. > Ergo, every other telephone pole in Houston is under their discussion... > Oh, right... b(())n, we need... b(())n... p((((()))))z... > So, I personally am willing to humor the notion that mind has structure > but obviously AI is a computer and not a mind. My original mind definition > was a 3-pole electromagnetic axis pattern superimposed with 9 serial caps > parallel. 9 caps parallel takes care of the vision specifications but > the auditory parameters disrupts the symmetry. I guess what you have to > imagine is that ear rings are a capacitor so my mind structure has two > differant types of capacitors on each ear. Just out of curiosity, are you wearing nine caps made of aluminum foil? > OK. So like take a saturn like model and rotate it off the obvious axis Excuse me, I need to go update the newsgroup definitions file... alt.religion.kibology: off the obvious axis > by, say, 10-15 degrees. The rings oscilate in a capacitance like space > and if you take the rings and rotate them about an axis separate from > the interior sphere portion of the model then that sphere is under a > capacitor. If the sphere has plane symmetry then the capacitor is > bisectioned for ear rings. 8BALL gets under and falls to the center > of the earth and a sphere with plane symmetry has an umbrella which > is analogous to the top portion of a helicopter rotor. Oh no! It's the Penguin, using his helicopterbrella to steal The Double Black Diamond, the most difficult heist of all! > The next part is hard to explain except to say that there is a > mechanical analogy to be had between the LN function and the start > condition of a helicopter rotor. I don't know... is this under gravity? > I guess so because if you pulse a helicopter rotor, the earth inverts. I say we must NEVER test your theory, just in case you're right and the Earth turns upside down when the helicopter rotor starts to spin! > Well, let me explain it like this: If you take a rotor and attach a rope > to it with the mass at the end of the rope and you give that rotor a huge > pulse, the portion of the rope that is attached to the rotor end will rise > above the connection slightly and then just as this loop begins to > flatten out a little bit, the entire length of rope will invert even if > the mass in question (at the other end of the rope) is situated at the > center of the earth. Well, anyways, what I say is that helicopter rotors > and capacitors have a lot in common. I can visualize the rotor/rope/mass > scenario but I don't know how it would pan out experimentwise. Well, now > that I think about it, this scenario is under gravity because 8BALL > falls to the center of the earth at a constant velocity and the start > condition begins the moment that it reaches the point on the axis where > the moon and earth revolve about each other. So, you see, the start > condition is preceeded by a start condition with the option to abort... > Well, I guess I learned something today... go forth and build nuclear > weapons! That is a differant breed of engineering... A start > condition...with the option to abort...has premise. You)Yo!(know, I used > to think that it was about levels of redundancy or something. I feel like Manley Hubbell and Alexander Abian fell into a giant blender. -- K. But when they switched on its spinning blades, the Earth fell off The Obvious Axis and the eight-ball knocked it into the side pocket of the Universe! I CALL A DO-OVER! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.new-theories,sci.physics.relativity,alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Red Shift in Slow Motion Date: Sat, 3 Jun 2000 08:21:36 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In alt.sci.physics.new-theories, sci.physics.relativity, sci.math, and alt.math, "BEN BulleT.in" (el_felino_negro@my-deja.com) wrote: > > OK. So like, if the mind's eye snaps a photograph of the gravitational > body in question, then it is like all of the fields between the mind's > eye and the gravitational body in question are momentarily without > effect or better might be that the field that includes the mind's eye > suddenly expands to include the gravitational body in question. OK. I > give up the ghost because it is obviously a three-body issue beyond this > point. It must be the case that the moon shoots a yellow laser at the > Sun but the mind's eye can only determine a 2-D interpretation and the > observation is that the moon proves a yellow shift left. Since the > mind's eye draws the moon into its field, then the illusion is that the > moon is much closer than it actually is. With that being the case then > the notion of time and motion rests on the three-pole axis which is left > behind. The illusion which follows may be that the red shift occurs > beyond the orbit of the moon but what is actually the case is that the > moon is frozen in time and is much closer then that which appears to be > farther away. The red shift which appears to be farther away then the > time locked moon represents the actual location of the moon. So the > yellow shift response brings the moon closer in to the observer and this > is opposed by the red shift response to the response which emanates from > the moon's actual location and not beyond as the illusion might indicate. Not only is the Moon time locked, but it has a sign which says "NATURAL SATELLITE CARRIES LESS THAN $30 IN CASH AFTER DARK." Of course, because the same side of the Moon is always dark (I learned that from "Space: 1999") people only rob the bright side. > You know, I keep having to go into greater and more > fundamental depth on red shift because all these *JACKASSES* just keep > pounding away and pounding away and pounding away at this *STUPID > FANTASY* that everything is an illusion and that they are the center of > the universe. *WHAT IS IT ABOUT LOCK DOG THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND?**I > AM NOT GOING TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I CAN LOCK A DOG, EITHER.* I need your help -- Spot's escaped from his cage again! Please prove to us that you can lock a dog. Also please clean up his poops. I will heartily endorse your contribution to the world of science once you have my dog's poops in your hand. > Red shift proves that the world is 3-D and therefore there is only one > or at the most... two universes and not the 6 billion universes that all > these *ACADEMIC FAGGOTS* would have you to believe. Time-space is obviously > 5-D. The 4th dimention is temperature I see you haven't yet discovered the 6th dimension, which is speling. > because although time reversal has priority since you guys need to > totally know about that right off the bat, I still haven't heard anything > that supports the 2nd Law under 8BALL. I imagine these are the sort of lyrics one would recite to the tune of a "Real Rap Beat" from Rappin' Ken's little pink plastic boom-box. IT'S DA LAW OF 8BALL! WORD! -- K. I assume your pants are baggier than M.C. Hammer's. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Subject: Re: Dumb sign Date: Sun, 4 Jun 2000 01:14:13 GMT Organization: http://www.kibo.com Jeff Gerstmann (jeffg@wco.com) wrote: > > The building I work in has metal signs near each elevator that says, among > other things, "DESCRIPTION OF FIRE ALARM NOISE: WHOOP." I swear that my brain wacky-parsed that as "mental signs". That's what I